#like ok the one year i was in catholic school fucking SUCKED

[mxbitters]

doubt is a really fucking good play and i’m glad i’m writing a paper about it tbh

[radicalitch]

so i get a lot of religious content on Instagram bc i find it all interesting, and a few months ago i stumbled across the account of this man in his early 20s who was all about being a ‘traditional Catholic’ (usamerican Catholic who has absorbed too much evangelical fundie shit, imo).

anyway he was always posting excerpts from papal bulls, scripture, and other stuff directly from the Catholic Church, yet one of the things he posted about more than once was his stance on abortion. obviously, he was pro life—nothing new there, the Catholics were some of the first to get up-in-arms over abortion.

but this man posted, more than once, about how he believed ALL women who got abortions should get the death penalty.

which told me, immediately, that the Catholic Church was not the most important part of his life as he’d proclaimed: misogyny was.

for those not in the know, the Catholic Church is notoriously anti death penalty. from official church theology/morality books to pop culture pieces like ‘dead man walking.’ i was pumped with more anti death penalty propaganda at Catholic school than i was anti abortion propaganda. catholic majority countries, such as many in South America, have really low max prison sentences and often no death penalties because of the church’s influence.

so for this dumbass to be posting about how he thinks women should be murdered by the government for having abortions—no exceptions for rape, incest, health, etc—is fundamentally against the ethos of the church he sucks off all the time, and shows he doesn’t understand Catholicism nor the church. he’s just looking to justify his misogyny.

not that any of it is surprising, really. I just usually see this shit from fundies, and it’s weird to see Catholics inching more toward fundie ideology, because, well, in instances like this, shit doesn’t add up.

these fundie-Catholic influencers (usually young and recently converted/recently started taking the religion seriously) also LOVE to shit on atheist/agnostic or otherwise critical people who went to Catholic school bc ‘just because they went to Catholic school doesn’t mean they know everything about the religion.’ like, please, i completed all my fucking years of CCD, went to mass regularly for years, come from a family that’s Catholic and attended Catholic schools for generations, and attended one myself but you, twenty year old trad Catholic influencer who went to mass for the first time last year, are more educated on the church than i am. ok.

(unsurprisingly, last i saw the dickhead’s profile, he was single and looking for Catholic women)

[theangelofthedesert]

Can't Think Straight ~Pt. 1~

I always thought of myself as a normal person. Just a regular 17-year-old girl going to school and trying not to fuck up her life. A girl with a few-but good friends, good grades, excellent parents, and an awesome boyfriend. Like I said, I always thought I was normal, just like anyone else. But…There’s this thing, this…feeling, like there’s something wrong. Most of the time I choose to ignore it, as long as I can move on with my day as usual.

Everything was going according to my schedule: Wake up. Take a shower. Have breakfast with my family. Go to school. Do homework with my friends and finally, hang out with my boyfriend. Until the point where I saw a moving truck parked in the garage of the house next to mine, which normally isn’t something weird but…

“Oh, new neighbors!” said  my boyfriend, Matt. “We should go say hi, Annie.” The thing about this town is that it’s so small, every time someone new moves in everyone finds out and tries to investigate every little detail about them, which leads to gossip around the town. Only a few families that have lived here for generations are the ones that still stay in Murkwell Valley for the rest of their life. That was the case of my family. The Watsons have lived in this town for 10 generations and the current Watsons have no intentions of leaving. My parents: Robert and Galena Watson, had dated since high school and, according to them, always thought of getting married once Dad finished college. By the time they were my age, they had already planned their whole future together; and they always make it a point to remind me that I should do the same.

Me? I don’t even know what to study in college, how the heck am I supposed to think about getting married right now? I don’t know if Matt is planning for us to have a future together either. Dad always talks about the way Mom looked the first time he saw her: long dark-brown hair, hazel eyes, and a beautiful smile. He says he just knew he had to marry her. Mom remembers Dad as a tall, black haired bad-boy with gray eyes and that it was love at first sight. Dad says I look just like Mom, but with some of his facial features. My sister, on the other hand, looks exactly like Dad, and my brother looks like Mom. I’m more like a combination of the two of them. That being said, Matt and I have only dated for like 3 months and my parents act like he is the one who will carry me to the altar.

“Ok, let’s go just to say hi, then we can go home.” I said, a little tired. I just wanted to go to sleep after the hard day I had at school with all the preparations for the school’s Pride Dance for the anniversary of its founder, and college counseling to help with choosing the right major; but Matt was too nice to just ignore the new people next door. We started walking towards the truck, when we saw a fluffy dog running in our direction trying to get away from its owner. 

I kneeled and grabbed the runaway dog. As I was trying to look for its tag among all the fur, a girl’s voice caught my attention.

“Hey! That’s my dog!” When I turned to look at her, I went into shock. The girl looked my age but had bobbed, curly, colorful hair, with the right side shaved off. She also had a little piercing on her nose, sky-blue eyes and pale skin. The word that came to my mind was “beautiful”. I had never seen a person that looked like that in this town, since everyone is VERY catholic, we're usually not allowed to dye our hair or pierce our skin. She looked so cool. “Sorry, I was returning from a walk to calm his energy, but it seems he needed a longer walk”

“Oh, don’t worry, I was just catching him for you” I said as I laughed awkwardly and scratched my head. “That’s a beautiful dog,” I added. For someone who is leader of the welcome committee at school, I suck at social interactions with new people, but since I pretty much already know everyone here, I don’t have the necessity of introducing myself that often.

She smiled at me and then looked at the dog. “Yeah, he is pretty cute. It’s a Finnish Spitz, aka a domestic fox,” She laughed “The downside to the breed is its energy.” Once the dog was secured with its leash, she got up and waved at us. “Hi! You must be our neighbors” The girl extended her hand at me. “I’m Minerva, but my friends call me Mina!” She smiled as I grabbed her hand. “And you are…?” She’s so formal.

“Oh! My name is Annabelle, but I go by Annie” Her eyes looked so deep, yet so soft as they gazed back at me. A strange thought came to my mind, but quickly disappeared when Matt shook her hand.

“I’m Matt, Annie’s boyfriend.” Her smile dropped for a second, but came back again as she looked at me. What was that about? “Welcome to Murkwell Valley, Mina.” 

“Thanks for the welcome. It’s nice to know the neighbors are friendly” She kept her eyes on me with a big smile. “And thank you, for catching my dog, I owe you one.”

“Oh, I was just worried that it would run onto the street and get hit or something, you don’t owe me anything” I said, while playing nervously with the edge of my sweater sleeves. She then continued to insist, saying her conscience wouldn’t allow the savior of her ‘precious baby’ go unrewarded. “Ok then, you can pay me back by coming for dinner at my house.” I suggested, but quickly added “-you can bring your family, of course. That way our parents can meet and talk before the other neighbors organize a welcome party and make things awkward by asking a bunch of questions” Her face lit up and nodded. “Great! Dinner at eight, hope you can make it.”

“I’ll tell my parents right away. See you later, Annie.” For some reason, the way she said my name left me feeling weird, as I saw her jump back to her house being followed by her dog. Well, that interaction didn’t go as badly as I imagined. Maybe there’s hope for my awkwardness after all. I’m actually glad we ran into each other, and I hope to get to know more about her…

“What a sweet girl, I hope you can make friends with her!” Matt brought me back from whatever I was thinking, into reality. I shook my head to clear my mind and looked at him. “What happened? You spaced out for a second there.”

“Sorry, I must be mentally beat after today. Volunteering to help Ms. Matisse grade papers was seriously a terrible idea” Matt giggled as he took my hand and walked me back to my house. “You can come to dinner too if you want, babe.” I said hopefully.

“Ehm… I think I’ll pass. The boys invited me to a pre-game party to prepare for this year’s Battle of Murkwell Valley High. Lots of schools from different towns are coming to challenge the current winning team. Us. I even heard a school from the big city is coming.” The big city was actually the state’s capital, Kingsham, but we in the town call it that because there’s only small towns around it and no other city. Matt left a kiss on my forehead and smiled, “Besides, you can start getting to know your new neighbor. You have been a little sad since Holly went to see her mom for the holidays.” I appreciated Matt’s attempt of making me feel better, but I had forgotten Holly left since I had too many things to do, and meeting Mina just now had also cleared my mind of any thoughts. Matt wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in for a kiss. As our lips touched, all the weird thoughts in my mind cleared out, except for one, preventing me from totally enjoying my boyfriend’s embrace.

“Ok, I’ll try to be her friend.” I said with a big sigh because I knew he wouldn’t let the situation go until I caved in. “I love you, babe.” He let out a nervous laugh, probably because he still wasn’t ready to say it back, even when he said it was fine that I said it first.

“I… should go. Gotta help mom with some things before I go to the meeting” I thought it was a party? Whatever, I’m not gonna say anything. He let go of his embrace and quickly grabbed his thing and left. I stood outside the door until I saw Matt leave the street of my house, then I went back in, just to find my parents in the living room watching a movie. I went past them, leaving a kiss on their cheeks and walking towards the kitchen, where my food was in the fridge, waiting for me to reheat it since I got out of school late.

Once I was done washing my plate, I stayed in the living room, chatting with my parents about school and other stuff for a few hours. They asked if Matt had already invited me to the dance, to which I said yes, knowing full well that he didn’t want to come in the first place because he thought it was boring and a waste of time, even though he was aware I was one of the people organizing the damn thing. Nevertheless, I felt that if I said anything he wouldn’t pay attention, like he does when I try to tell him how I feel. 

Later in the day I went upstairs to get ready for dinner. I told my mom as I was going up that I invited the new neighbors over to get to know them, she didn’t seem to mind and started to cook dinner for more people. Gotta love her ability to adapt to a change of plans. On my way to my room, I said ‘Hi’ to my brother, who had his door open and just waved at me; and to my sister, who only responded by closing her door. 

When I was in my room, I quickly took a shower and started to look in my closet for possible options to wear tonight. I narrowed it down to two dresses. One was pink with white flowers on it, the other one was red with black details at the bottom. I decided the pink one was too girly, so I grabbed the red dress and got changed.

As I was putting on a red bra, I noticed the window in the house next to mine had the lights turned on. When I took a closer look, I realized it was Minerva’s room, since I could see the jacket she was wearing today hanging by the door. My face suddenly turned red at the thought of that girl watching me change. I dressed as fast as I could, then I went to see if she was in her room, but Mina wasn’t there.

Since I was already dressed for dinner, I just sat down next to the window while I analyzed the things I saw in her room. There was a shelf with a lot of books, some boxes with the labels “make up” and “winter clothes”, her bed with blue sheets and her laptop on top of it. Multiple band posters were already up on the walls and some weird plushies adorned her desk. She clearly had a busy morning setting up her room. I also saw her dog’s bed in the corner with the word “Zero” stitched to the front, but as I was looking at it, the door opened. Her dog walked in like it owned the place, then Mina walked in wearing just a towel around her body and another on her hair. My face lit up red again, making me throw myself to the ground so she couldn’t see me. 

Once the awkwardness went away, I decided to take a quick look, just to see if she’d noticed me on the window. I slowly raised my head, hoping she didn’t notice how creepy I was being, just to find her looking at dresses like I was doing moments ago. That’s when I realized she was just as nervous as me to have dinner tonight, even if it was with our whole family. I figured making friends was probably difficult for her. Mina looked just as nice as she was this afternoon, the only thing different was the fact that she was still wearing only a towel. Just as that thought crossed my mind, she turned her head around towards the window, forcing me to close the drapes in panic. I don’t know if she saw me or not, but I wouldn’t blame her if she changed her mind about coming to dinner…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is gonna be a long story that I hope I can continue to update and not leave unfinished like all of my other works lmao With the help of a dear friend serving as my editor, I'll make sure to write a few chapters in advance to keep posting regularly <3

[lnsfawwi]

Ace!Steve thought:

Steve was raised Catholic. he knew later in life that masterbation and sex outside of marriage was normal, even people from his church did it

The church made sexual desire out to be some devil, Steve spent half his childhood fearing it, but that devil never came for him. Steve was 16 and he overheard boys at school talking about sex and Bucky too. the first time Bucky did it with a girl, he told Steve all about it under the duvet, all hushed and excited. it was the best feeling he's ever had. Bucky told him.

so Steve tried. masterbation. he couldn't even get off the first couple of times, so he thought it was just another thing wrong with him.

he never wanted a girl. or a guy, for that matter.

he did date. and very occasionally he'd actually enjoy it. he liked communicating with ppl, hanging out and having fun. he kissed a girl once, on their second date. it was good, but not great as other boys described, and he was sure he didn't want to have sex with her.

he stopped dating her cus he didn't want to face all the “why don't you want it” inquiry from her or Bucky. Bucky was great, he was wonderful, perfect, but nosy sometimes.

he'd rather spending time w Bucky anyway.

he did get off though, w no one particular in mind.

ok that was a lie. he was trying to think about some girl, some girl from Bucky's colorful tales. but it ended up being Bucky, Bucky's hands sliding up and down a curvy body, fingers flicking the pink buds, mouth sucking on the delicate, soft skin. his cock, hard and thick, sliding in and out of the area between the legs (Steve didn't know what that looked like so the image was just Bucky).

he felt good physically, awful mentally. he tried to convince himself that that was just bc he lacked any point of reference except for Bucky's words and Bucky himself.

he still didn't want sex.

he still liked Bucky the most. and Bucky stopped messing around with girls after Steve's ma died, too busy keeping them fed. Steve liked that too.

they shared a bed sometimes, for warmth or comfort, and Steve would remember that time he touched himself w Bucky in mind. he liked touching Bucky, Bucky felt nice. but he didn't particularly want to touch him in a sexual way, no more than he wanted to touch himself, which was almost never. almost.

he thought the serum would fix him, his dick, to be exact. it didn't. but it was ok, they were at war anyway.

and then it was ok too, cus ppl did expect Captain America to be a prude.

one day, Sam and he were on their way to Turkey to chase a lead, and Sam asked, “so were you guys ever...?”

“ever what?”

“lovers.”

“no. Why would you think...”

“hey, sorry man. It's just, maybe I was reading into things. no offense.”

“I'm not offended, I'm just...” Steve paused for a while, “I do love him.”

“I get it.”

“no. I mean...I, I used to think about, future. After the war. And, I couldn't...I don't know. I couldn't imagine myself with another person. And I couldn't stomach the thought of him with one either. I thought, and I still think the years before the war, when we lived together that's all I want. Just us, broke as fuck but we'd always have each other. And we could always visit his folks cus they were just 20 minutes away.” Steve sighed, “I know how it sounds. I knew homosexuality before you were born, Sam. I'm not...I don't want him that way. Sexually, I mean. I just...”

“you just want to spend the rest of your life with him.”

“yeah.”

“Steve, I ask this sincerely, do you want to have sex, with anyone, man or woman?”

“not really, no.”

“ok. right. So I guess whatever crash course on modern sexuality SHIELD gave you left out this one.” Sam typed something on his phone and showed it to him, “It's a real new concept compared to homosexuality. Literally a 21 century invention, so it makes sense that you didn't know, and that's why it confuses you.”

Steve read it. Asexual. There was a related term, aromantic. The two were not in anyway mutually exclusive, or bound together.

Suddenly everything made sense. The selfish possessiveness he had for Bucky, the incompatibility of the desire to be intimate but not sexually, and the soul crushing love he's never had for anyone but Bucky, it all made sense.

“oh.” he gasped. “I'm in love with him.”

[irene-dimension]

ok well just let me type this out to get it out of my head. senior year was seriously ass. and now thats its over..; im in this weird in between right now of classes having ended but so much senior stuff is still coming up. and i feel like a complete and utter failure. not academically. academically, i got my aice diploma junior year, went to college full time as a hs senior, got into my dream school and the top school in florida, and had straight A's every year. yeah, it sounds good all typed out, but i cant help but feel that the struggle for all that was worthless. because somehow, i still failed. i hardly have any real friends. many of my friendships crumbled this year. i have severe social anxiety. i feel like everyone else in my class is so social and has such strong bonds with so many people, and i dont have that. i dont know how to interact normally. making friends is simply a skill i never really developed. and a lot of the blame for that falls on how i was raised. i went to a tiny private catholic school for 11 years. the same 30 people in my grade (15 per class as we were divided into two, because 30 was considered a large class) for ELEVEN YEARS. it truly does something to the psyche. and only a handful of my peers werent assholes. then, i started hs during covid. it was frustrating in terms of making friends, because there was such a heavy expectation to branch out and do that, but we also weren't really supposed to be near each other? and going from a school with maybe 230 people to one with 1,500 was not an easy transition. i didnt know how to really socialize! and i feel like ive never been able to change the effect all that had on me. then being labeled "quiet" and "shy" makes you never wanna open your mouth ever again. i was in three clubs, and it made no difference. seeing everyone else with their large friend groups makes me feel so insecure and shitty. and fucking THEATER KIDS should not be making ME feel insecure like what the actual fuck?? anyways. i feel like ive cried more in this in between time than all year, and i wasnt particularly doing well all year either. it just sucks. im so so sad over the what ifs. i have to grieve the person i couldve been and the life i couldve had. its not fucking fair. on top of that, the school im going to is the one my parents, grandparents, and many of my other family members went to. my older sister didnt get in, when they really wanted her to go. i worked so hard to get in because i had some stupid notion that i could "win" and finally they could love me as much as they love her. yet, they dont even seem happy about it. they act like they dont care at all. like everything they have to do regarding college stuff is just a burden to them. like, great. i wasted my whole life,, i couldn't make friends, i couldn't make my parents like me, nor the rest of my family. everyone just views me as some shy loser freak.

at least i didnt peak in high school, right?

[cassandralexxx]

👎(not fun vibes scroll on)

So context, we all know and love it:

at the high school I’m zoned for my local community high school the place where I would have gone had I not attended to Catholic School, the place a good portion of my friends and classmates went to post middle school there was a school shooting. It happened when we were all freshman in high school. It’s been forever and at the same time no time has passed. People I care deeply about are still so affected by it. I don’t know if our town will ever truly heal.

Anyways the point of this post is I’m feeling bad about something I said the other day. I didn’t mean it I swear but it’s like do you ever say something so stupid that it is cruel. You hear one person say something like “oh” and then you realize wait what did I say. How could I say that. What kind of person am I that I could say something so callous. It is so rude that it feels vile. It’s devastating after the moment passes and you comprehend the meaning and what is IMPLIED by what you said.

ok so I was watching School Spirits with my mom. Cute show super fun. But yknow they are a small town and so many of the ghosts are always talking about how they really thought they “had what it takes to make it out of there” but they didn’t they died and they are trapped not just in their shitty post industrial town but they are trapped at their high school which yknow objectively sucks.

you know what I said? I was joking I wasn’t thinking I was just thinking about the dumb show. I said “imagine dying in your local high school like that’d be so lame that sucks”

how could I say that. I didn’t mean it like that. I said it like 4 days ago and I’m still devastated. I immediately backtracked when my brain reconnected at the sound of my mom (not gasping but more so being like oh). I felt so bad I feel so bad. I don’t forget them. The ones who died. There is rarely a day I don’t think about the impacts of what that asshole did. why don’t I think before I speak how could I say that.

how could I say that it’s so fucking cruel. Not to the characters in the show; to the real people to people I know to my friends friends. To my families friends. To the girl I danced with when I was in preschool. The girl all the girls of my middle school was friends with because they all played soccer and So did She. The man who my friends used to complain about having to do his school projects. People with dynamic lives. One of my sisters friends best friends had been killed. My sister still cries about it sometimes when she drinks.

now that I’m home (I never really would go home post graduating high school and going to uni) I keep passing that fucking building. I keep thinking about it. In my closet I still have my school lanyards from that year. With the orange ribbons, the think pray act, the lanyard from when I volunteered for the beautification project bc yknow they had to fence off an entire new building at school bc it was a crime scene it was the first resting place of So Many People.

I want to cry every time I think about it.

how could I say what I said. I didn’t mean it I swear; it was meant to be a joke about the nature of the show. It’s so awful of me how could I do it. Words are a cruelty.

I took it back in seconds I think from the moment it came out my mouth to the second I realized why that was fucked was near instantaneous but that wasn’t quick enough. I think I’d still be pissed at myself if I processed it when I thought it but to say that out loud is so fucked. I didn’t mean it.

anyways I’m sorry

we won’t ever forget, I get devastated by the passage of time like when I graduated hs since I was a freshman at the time that meant that everyone there would have graduated then. In a year there won’t have been any students that went to class with the kids who were there. Some teachers ofc still there but still it’s like a new generation. Those kids know of course they still know it’s still the community we were all affected and their schools their middle schools were also put on lockdown.

anyways I’m so sorry for what I said I swear I didn’t mean it. I swear.

[reki-of-the-valley]

Ok, ok, @babysgarage really has me thinking about the possibility of a Quebec-born Langa and while I'm terrified of that thought, I just.... I hate it and I love it

There's no doubt about it that this kid is fluent in English. I'd even go as far as to say that English is his first language. So if English is his first language, then this kid is, drumroll please, Montreal based. (Let's be honest here, it's more English than French. Walk into a french school, elementary or high school, you'll see the kids speak way more English than French, even if the teachers are screaming to talk French.) And with that, I could narrow it down even further and pinpoint a neighborhood he'd be from, but I'll refrain from doing that

Ok, let's list what I wanna touch on here. 1) Snowboarding. 2) language. 3) that catholic thing he's got going on.

So fun fact, we're actually really big on skiing and snowboarding around here! (Personally have been on the mountains since I was 5, my brother since he was 2) So that means it's totally possible for Mr Oliver to have brought Langa to the mountains every weekend during the winter for some snowboarding fun. (though personally I think the kid would have started on skies because you can't control a 2 year old on a board, but shhhh that's not too important.) Quebec has mountains of all sizes and they're not that far away from the city, so it's not a stretch to have that happen. Otherwise, who's not to say they don't have a chalet (is that the English word?) by the mountain side, so they just go up on a Friday night and come back down to the city on Sunday night? They can spend the whole weekend on the slopes, which also explains why Langa would be so good at it. His parents obviously work, he has school, so he can't do it during the week, but he's still amazing at the sport, meaning he has spent a lot of time on the slopes. So every week for 6 months a year, the whole weekend going up and down? It makes sense. So snowboarding in Quebec, very possible!

So language. Quebec born means the kid would be trilingual (I missed up on that opportunity, rip. But I already suck at just being bilingual so I would have died) And while we could argue that he could be kinda shitty in french, that he would have gone to an English school, there's a 90% chance that he'd have gone to French because of our policies. So would he have an accent? Probably (and it would be adorable). But he would be pretty much fluent. You know, 11 years forced in a french school does that to a person. So this kid knows his french, and he's a pretty good student (he'll skip but he would still keep his grades up) so even if he doesn't learn it at home, he's still pretty good at it.

So french and Langa. Langa who, despite being in a pretty anglophone environment, does hear the Frenchies and does pick up on that culture. So he could be walking and he'll overhear something so specific to Quebecois culture that no outsider would understand, but he still scoffs because it's a lil bit funny. Or he'll say things in English (or even in Japanese) that has a french construction so no one understands him. Or Langa that fucks up verb conjugations because why are they so complicated?? (Even with french as a first language, conjugation is hell) Fluent but still fucks it up like a good kid from this godforsaken province (but if he were to lose a language due to not using it, french is the first to go)

Now that catholic thingy he does with the bathroom during the beach episode. I think about it a lot. Now hear me out: he isn't religious, just raised in a religious environment even if it's not supposed to be (they say Québec is supposed to be separated from the church but it's not). He has no religious background, but catholicism is so ingrained in his day to day life that he just... It's automatic. In moments of desperation, pray to God, even if you don't believe in said God. For me, it's more of a ridiculous thing to do, something to make me laugh when things are going to shit. A "please if there's a god out there, let this not be too horrible" thing. And given that he does it for a toilet, I feel like he's the type to do that. And it feels like a very catholic province thing to do? God is invoked a lot, but never seriously. I don't know, but it just makes sense to me, especially if in a multi cultural city. I won't dwell too much on that though, religion just isn't my forte

ALSO I KNOW Y'ALL KEEP SAYING "poutine is a Canadian thing" BUT ITS QUEBECOIS ITS FROM HERE BECAUSE HONESTLY CANADA AND QUEBEC ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS AS MUCH AS I HATE SAYING THAY

I feel like I went on a tangent but I'm very passionate about pre-series Canadian Langa. I forgot what my initial point while writing this so I'm gonna stop now. Maybe take a nap now

Oh, also has nothing to do with anything, but I don't know how it works in other provinces, but here kids can take either parents last name, so I think Langa definitely took his mother's name, which means we have no idea what Oliver's last name is. So it could be an English surname or a French one or even a Japanese one if you want the man to be half Japanese

[ruethestorm]

my contribution for the free day of the @meroniaevent ☺️

meronia college roommate au headcanons

both go to Columbia University on full scholarships

were both valedictorians of their high school

mello was on the wait list at first but of course he’ll take that to his grave

mello

a math and Russian literature double major. he chose math cause he likes and it is good at it, and Russian lit cause he’s a good Russian Boy™

has always studied russian on his own, and has always felt connected to his home country. he wants to study abroad in Moscow for at least one semester. knows Russian history and politics like the back of his hand. always clung to his heritage for a sense of security

ready engage in heated, almost violent, debate about the USSR and russian politics at any given moment

the first day on campus, he makes friends with the other Russian (international) students and they’re shocked when they find out he’s not native

Unlike me, he doesn’t have any religious trauma, and wherever he was he was living pre-adoption he could always find comfort in his local catholic church, wearing his rosary, and the idea that his saints were watching over him

he has a marble statue of his favorite saint on his dresser, he bought it at a thrift store in his junior year of high school for $6 but it’s his most prized possession

near

a bio and chem double major on a premed track, plans to become an anesthesiologist and retire at 50.

a secret Pixar and Disney Fanatic. runs a blog reviewing all the Disney movies when they come out, and posting character analysis and essays on the older ones. has about 50 followers, and It makes it his day whenever he gets a new one, or someone comments on his post

likes to listen to Disney soundtracks to study.

a major jazz fan, and his favorites are Ella Fitzgerald and Duke Wellington. He had a mild obsession with the Harlem Renaissance as a child and his love of jazz is the lasting remnants of it.

mildly embarrassed at his toys and the teddy bear he keeps hidden behind his pillows.

both

sticklers for getting to class at least 10 minutes early and submitting assignments on time. both fought tooth and nail to get in with a full scholarship. have experienced the foster care system, insecure housing, were forced to grow up early. they don’t take it for granted.

disgusted at all the legacy kids and spoiled rich kids they see at school

didn’t know about the each others background, but one day:

“so, are you going home for break?” mello asked.

“yeah. honestly i didn’t really feel like it- but Maggie is honestly quite stubborn, she swore she’d throw out my stuff if i didn’t come home,”

“You call your mom by her first name?” mello chuckled. Typical spoiled rich kid, he thought.

“Well, yes. She’s my adopted mother. I’ve always felt more comfortable calling her that. And she’s always insisted on it. To call her ‘mom’ would be awkward for the both of us, I suppose.”

“Wait, you’re adopted?”

Near steeled himself for the incoming barrage of insensitive, invasive questions he was so used to.

Mello’s face had lit up. “So am I,”

“Really?”

“Yes. I was adopted by my parents when I was nine. How old were you?”

“Maggie adopted me a week before my twelfth birthday,” he answered, smiling fondly at the memory.

“Wow. I never would have guessed it. You’re so- put together, I guess? You’re not like any foster kid I’ve met,”

“Well, that’s somewhat Maggie’s doing. She asked me, on my 12th birthday, where I wanted to go to college. I said Columbia. She said, ‘Okay. Columbia it is, then.’ And here I am,”

“Wow. That’s incredible,” mello said, genuinely awed. “What does she do?”

“She’s a case worker. She was mine, actually. It’s a quite charming story. I could tell it to you- if, if you wanted to hear it, of course,” he said, confidence faltering at the end. He started to twirl his hair, looking at the carpeted floor.

“That is definitely a story I want to hear. Look,” he said, putting on his jacket, stuffing a calculator and pencils into his pockets, “I’ve gotta go make this calc final my bitch- but- when I get back, we’ll trade stories, Ok? Don’t fall asleep on me,”

For the first time, Near gave him a genuine smile. “I’ll make sure of it,” he said.

After The Talk, one night:

“You know, Nate. There’s nothing wrong with having toys, or stuffed animals, or whatever the fuck you feel like. You’re almost 18, right? You can’t go your whole life being embarrassed of the shit you like. I mean, I’m catholic. I don’t give a fuck about anyone else’s beliefs, but those are mine. If someone has a problem with it, they can suck a dick about it,” he yawned.

“Thank you, Mello. No one’s ever said that to me before,”

“Yeah, whatever. Go to sleep. You’ve got an 8 am tomorrow and I’m gonna kill you if you sleep through your alarm for an hour like last time,”

nate couldn’t help the smile plastered on his face as he fell asleep

<3

[mustyrosewater]

𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙘𝙚. 𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚.

𝙟𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙧 𝙥𝙚𝙣𝙖 𝙭 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧 ( 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙛𝙤𝙪𝙧 )

𝘴𝘺𝘯𝘰𝘱𝘴𝘪𝘴 : 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘬𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘧𝘭𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵. 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯.

𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 : 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘴𝘮𝘶𝘵, 𝘫𝘢𝘷𝘪 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘺, 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨

𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵 : 8,189

𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 : 𝘙 18+

if someone were to have told you a year ago that you would not only sleep with, but develop weekly bouts of flirty back and fourth banter with a dea agent, you'd have laughed in their face and told them they weren't thinking straight; now, that was exactly what was happening. had you known that this is was the result of having what you thought was a one night stand, a quick fuck to deal with a stressful week? you would have done it all anyway. it didn't matter, because you were loving every minute of it. it had only started becoming a noticeable routine after the second time javi visited the store. the first time was complete coincidence, you knew that, or at least that was what you were telling yourself. you weren't as stupid as some might think, you knew that since being arrested the dea would have needed to look you up in the system, they would have seen your place of work. hell, they probably knew your full name, your parents name and what high school you went to as well. you were aware that the possibility of javi going to the effort to track you down at your place of work was long shot, but some part of you did secretly the love the idea that he was so struck after your night together that he just had to see you again. ok, now it sounded like one of those cheesy romance movies that were always on tv. the second time that javi had come into the store was hardly coincidence. it had been just under a week since his first surprise visit, along with your flirty back and fourth across the counter and stealing of one of his cigarettes, which still sat snugly by your ashtray at home, ready for when you needed a particularly intense unwind after a hard day. until then, you were sitting in your usual spot on the stool behind the counter, once again scrolling through lifestyle magazines that you cared little for but still read to pass the time. the routine that you were usually so content with was suddenly becoming painfully boring and you knew exactly why. javi's absence was notable each passing day, like a little school girl waiting for the boy she liked you found your head whipping up to the door every single time the electronic jingle of somebody entering filled your ears, with exasperated disappointment each time you looked up to find just another customer and not the man you were looking for. it had gotten to the point that the likelyhood of actually seeing him again was starting to feel less and less. you hated to admit that you'd found yourself wanting to see him again, even if it was only for two minutes to buy the shitty coffee from the machine at the back of the store, just a chance to see his face one more time, even if he didn't say a word to you. as that thought crossed your mind, your brows furrowed as you caught yourself, could you sound more desperate? the last time you were this infatuated with a man, or more so, a boy was with your ex, and that was a man you were so obsessed with you'd moved to columbia with him. you didn't exactly feel like a reminder on how that had ended. you shook your head slowly, shutting your eyes and letting out a sigh, some small attempt at snapping out of the utter trance that man had managed to put you in. the nights spent with you hands between your legs had only worsened since he'd asked you if you'd been a good girl. maybe the reason he hadn't returned had been your reply, should you have said yes? been complacent? he certainly hadn't had a problem with that two weeks ago when you were sucking his di- the bell went off once more, causing your own thoughts to be cut off. this time, unlike practically every other time someone had entered, you didn't look up, simply kept your eyes glued to the magazine in front of you. starting today you were going to get javi out of your head; he'd obviously made it clear that this was a one time thing to him, and if that was the case, it was going to be a one time thing to you as well. neither of you had even stated whether or not it was supposed to be a one time thing. stupid, you thought to yourself, he was an agent fucking someone he arrested, of course it was a one time thing, how could you have been so blind. this thought caused you to let out another sigh, much louder and more noticeable than you would have preferred. you let the magazine fall from your hands a land onto the counter with a soft thud, leaning your head forward and shutting your eyes, resting your forehead on your palms. "if that's the reaction i get i can leave." if your head shot up any quicker, you're fairly certain that you may have broken your neck. standing just a few meters away from the counter, hands on hips and aviators tilted slightly down his hooked nose, was javi. it was as if the universe was trying to play a cruel joke on you, just as you had begun convincing yourself that it was not worth it to obsess over this man, here he was, as if the very mention of forgetting him had called him to you. "javi." was all you could manage to breathe out in your state of mild shock. if he saw how much surprise his presence had caused you, he certainly didn't show it. he still looked as relaxed as ever as he strolled up to the counter and laid one of his hands on it flatly, leaning down ever so slightly to make sure you could hear him. "just a pack of cigarettes." you were almost insulted, he didn't even ask how you knew his name, he'd never told you and yet you knew. of course, it was his partner that hold told you in the first place, but he didn't know that. he wasn't even the slightest bit curious as to how you knew his name. if that's how he was going to be, you could give it back just as much. maybe you were being stupid, maybe you just needed to remember that just minutes ago you were reassuring yourself that it was a casual hook up and nothing else, he didn't owe you anything. but then why would he flirt with you last week? could you have even called what the two of you did flirting? hardly. you say nothing as you take your sweet time getting up from the stool, making sure to pull it out and make a loud dragging sound as you do. turning to the shelf of cigarette boxes, you stare at them for a few moments, hoping he remembers that you know exactly which kinds he smokes. "which kind?" you ask, still not facing him, partly so that you can really rub it in but mainly so that he can't see the smug grin that has befallen your face, you were already having fun. you want to turn around to see his expression so badly, but you know that you have to let this sizzle, wait and see if he catches on to the game you're playing. he seems to pause before telling you the brand and specific type, of course, you already knew. if it were even possible at that point, you go even slower to reach for the box, twirling it around in your hands and inspecting the label, reading it quietly to yourself. you pause once more, basking in the silence and the annoyance you must be causing him. if anything, this was payback. "these ones?" you finally ask, holding them up so that he can see the box but still not facing him. you hear him take a shark intake of breathe and feel your grin grow, knowing that you had him now, all of his attention was on you. "yes. those ones." he repeats your words back to you. you can hear the edges of a mocking tone to the way he repeats your own words, almost mimicking the way you said it. finally turning to face him, you don't bother hiding your satisfied smirk, knowing you'd managed to struck a nerve with him made you feel so in control, giving him a taste of his own medicine filled you with satisfaction. and the best part was that you weren't even close to finished with him. for a brief moment, some small part of you, the part that was rationalizing this all out in your head, questioned whether or not it was right to keep tormenting him. maybe you should just hand him his cigarettes and let him leave. it wasn't like he owed you anything, he was probably busy as well. unfortunately for you, that small part was quickly snuffed out by the memory of the sheer amount of times he'd been in your fantasies, the amount of times he'd filled your mind with images of him doing downright sinful things to you, things that could give your catholic madre a stroke. that was the part that quickly gained control over your thought process. scanning the box of cigarettes with a soft beep, you repeated the price to him, the same price they'd been since last time, probably the same price they'd continue to be for years to come. as he reached behind him to grab his wallet, your curled your nails under the plastic and ripped it open without hesitation, taking extra care to make sure it was audible enough for him to pick up on. watching his expression, you almost missed the ghost of a smirk that came across the corners of his lips when he heard the sound of the plastic, almost like he was expecting you to open the packet right in front of him, purely just to spite him. oh, now you were committed. you didn't even look away from him as you opened the packet and used your fingertips to pull out a single cigarette. as you did so, he finally looked up from his wallet and made direct eye contact with you through his aviators. just as they were before, his eyes resembled that of a lion watching over an antelope in the sahara, a predator, looking at its prey. only this time it was different, this was a lion staring down a lioness, one that he could try his hardest to tame, but more likely than not wouldn't be able to. tucking the cigarette into the same spot as last time, your front pocket, you gave him a devilish smirk. your intentions of pushing his buttons were made clear, this was done out of pure spite and an attempt to keep his attention. maybe even a your own little way of keeping him on his toes. "can i ask what the tax is for this time?" when he finally spoke after a tense bout of silence, his voice was low and his attention was focused on you and you only. just the way you wanted it. in your haste to actually open the box and take out one of his cigarettes, you hadn't actually been able to devise a witty comeback. what was this one for? capturing your bottom lip in your teeth, you let your eyes rake over his figure as you rested your forearms on the counter, leaning forward. all this while making no attempt to hide that you were mentally undressing him right there. there was no need to hide that sort of behavior seeing as he'd already fucked the daylights out of you. deciding to be completely truthful, you simply admitted it right then and there. "no reason." you shrugged, tilting your head as you finally regained eye contact with him. he didn't seem to care for your answer either way, if anything, he seemed to impressed that you were willing to admit that there really was no reason for taking the cigarette other than the purpose of getting under his skin. maybe he was used to most women playing coy and finding excuses to garner his attention, you wouldn't know. what you did know was that whether or not it had been due to your answer, javi was now leaning against the counter, his face growing ever closer to yours until you could smell the traces of spearmint gum on his breath. he was so close that you could note every nook and cranny in his slightly aged face that still looked so handsome it was practically criminal. whether it was the sex, or his ability to keep you on your toes every minute spent in his presence, you weren't sure why, but you were absolutely infatuated with this man. every single time your mind would begin to forget about him, he returned to your thoughts, invading your mind practically every minute of every day. so much so that you both loved and hated it. did he know how downright crazy he was making you? did he realize that the mere scent of his cheap cologne was enough to make you weak at the knees? if he did know, he certainly didn't show it. whether or not that was the result of him being clueless or humble you weren't sure. everything about him left you in shambles, the way he carried himself, the way he spoke, especially to you; everything he did was like walking sex and he may not have even known it. you had been so caught up in your own train of thought that you hadn't even noticed the fact that you could feel his heavy breaths falling directly on your lips, your faces were now so close together that you could see the golden flecks littering his dark eyes, you were able to concentrate on the way his pupils dilated. you were so close it was intoxicating. you weren't exactly sure what your thought process was, but giving him the satisfaction of your lips touching felt too easy. for a brief moment there you forgot that you were even playing a game, a game that you desperately needed to win. so you waited, refusing to move your head in the slightest, you simply held yourself in place, waiting oh so patiently for him to make the next move. it seemed that patience was not a virtue for javi, who was only able to wait for a few moments longer before moving his head forward in an attempt to place his lips on yours. you moved your head back quicker than you realized you were capable of and turned your head to the side in the process, quickly managing to thwart his attempt at kissing you. the sound that he let out went straight to your core, causing you to take a sharp intake of breath. the sound that he'd made was practically animalistic, the sound derived from pure instinct and need. you knew then and there that you'd captured him in your web. that had been just over a week ago now, at the time, he'd left without another word, only exchanging another smirk with you before taking his cigarettes and leaving. you had to admit, you were incredibly satisfied with your work. since that day he had returned twice, each time continuing your routine of him buying a packet of cigarettes and allowing you to steal one. it had become more than a game at this point, even by your standards you were growing more and more impatient with both him and yourself. where was this even leading? was he going to do something eventually? make some sort of move? or was it all up to you? he’d spent one day getting you so worked up that you needed to go home and smoke one of the stolen cigarettes. you had your own packet, but it was something about smoking his that calmed you even more than yours regularly would, maybe it was the knowledge that you’d taken them from him, or the emotions you connected with stealing them, either way, it always left you in a state of bliss when you smoked one of them. his visits became more and more frequent, with you and javi finding more and more ways to torture one another. you were particularly proud of what you’d come up with on this day. after finding a particularly low cut shirt from the market earlier that week, you bought it without hesitation and were now wearing it to work, taking extra care to put on one of your more expensive bra’s. you’d even made a bit more effort with your appearance in general, wearing a pair of small hooped earrings that your madre had sent you for your birthday. the day went by painfully slowly, every single time somebody came through the entrance doors, your head was shooting up to see who was coming inside and each time, it wasn’t javi. for the first few hours you were able to hide you growing worry, this was one the days he came in every week, he hadn’t let you down so far. By the time the six or seventh hour of your shift rolled around, it became increasingly difficult not to seem upset by javi’s absence. One of the sweet old ladies that came in every few days to get cat food and a jar of coffee had actually noticed and asked why you seemed so upset. Despite reassuring her that you were fine, she was easily able to see through your lie and forced you to fess up. you explained how you’d made yourself pretty for a man who always came in on this day and that he still hadn’t shown up. She quickly reassured you that was sure it was going to fine, but not before taking the time to reminisce about when she would make herself pretty for the boy who lived down her street. You always enjoyed her company, a friendly little abuela who barely even reached your shoulder and always had some sage advice about life. now you were back on the stool behind the counter, chin resting snugly on your hand as your gaze shifted to the small digital clock on the wall, displaying the time in neon red numbers. numbers that read the time, which had just clocked around to 11:23 pm. You almost felt like you were going to cry upon the realisation that you close in less than fourty minutes. Almost twelve hours had gone by and not once had javi appeared, you’d made such an effort for nothing. as you sat there, you began to realize how stupid it actually was to be getting upset about this. the man was a dea agent, of course he was busy, it wasn’t like the two of you had agreed on a set time for him to show up or anything. you mentally kicked yourself as you sat there and let out a tired sigh, you suddenly felt so pathetic, more pathetic than the day you spent sitting in your room with tears streaming down your face after kicking your ex out. You were able to fight back the first few tears that you’d felt burning on your eyes, but after that first round, the second one hit you just as hard and within seconds you felt the tears sliding down your cheeks. not wanting to risk the embarrassment of your boss or worse, a customer, seeing you cry, you stood up suddenly and walked into the bathroom, trying your hardest not to slam the door behind you. as you stared at yourself in the mirror, you couldn’t help but cringe, the t shirt that had made you feel so confident before had now left you feeling self conscious and wishing that your vest covered more of your chest, the hoop earrings that you had left home adoring now made you feel trashy. and worst of all, the small streams of mascara running down your cheeks made you feel beyond messy. frantically ripping a few paper towels from the dispenser, you rinsed them and wiped off the small amount of makeup you’d put on that morning, leaving you bare faced with red puffy eyes. at least the rest of your face being red from the scrubbing had seemed to hide the fact that you’d bee crying. your hair that had been left out all day was now getting in your face and annoying you, so you instead chose to tie it up in a loose ponytail, leaving a few wisps of it to hang around your face. letting out one last shaky sigh, you dried your face off and left the bathroom, willing yourself to forget about this day as soon as possible. no, willing yourself to forget about javi as soon as possible. you weren’t just upset, you were disappointed, in yourself, you’d let a man take over your life again, hell, the whole reason you were even in Columbia in the first place was because you’d let yourself become utterly whipped by a man; and like. An idiot, you’d let it happen all over again, had you even learnt your lesson? now you were paying the price for being so stupid. just as you’d sat back down on the stool and managed to get your breathing back to a regular pace that was no longer shaky, your boss poked his head out of the back room and looked across from you. ”hey chica, you al good to close by yourself tonight?” You knew he wasn’t really asking, this was just his way of kindly telling you that he was going home and that you would have to close, you’d learnt that very quickly when you first started working there. nodding your head, you gave him a small wave and wished him a goodnight, telling him you’d seen him tomorrow. now here you were, bored out of your mind and still upset, waiting for the last ten minutes before you could finally lock the doors and leave for the night. the only thing you were able to do to pass the time was rearranging the cigarette boxes that had been misplaced by your boss countless times. As you rearranged the smal boxes, you picked up a box without even thinking and caught sight of the packaging, realizing that they were the kind that javi bought. you couldn’t help but feel bitter as you stared at the box of cigarettes in your had, you could physically feel your heart rate speeding up as your breathing became shaky. Less then twenty minutes after finally calming down, you had suddenly been just as upset as before, if not more. you weren’t a hundred percent sure if you held any ill will towards javi himself, he hadn’t done anything objectively wrong other than just not showing up when he’d given you little reason to believe he even would in the first place. If anything, you were the wrong party in this scenario, and it only upset you more. what you realised you truly felt was disappointment, in yourself, for letting thoughts of a man you’d slept with a whopping tota of one time fill your head for weeks, for getting utterly hypnotised by somebody you’d had a quick fuck with, you hadn’t felt this pathetic for so long it almost felt completely foreign. standing from the stool, you walk around the counter and towards the sliding door where you slip the open sign to instead read closed. You turned it over a minute early, but if somebody was willing to try and show up one minute until closing, you wouldn’t want to serve that type of person. turning away from the door, you begin walking back to the counter when you hear a car pulling up to the store. Letting out a long and annoyed sigh, you silently pray that whoever it was would just pay attention to the ‘closed’ sign and be on their way, you really didn’t feel like dealing an annoying customer. hoping to avoid any sort of interaction, you walk behind a stack of shelves and stand there, hoping that this person would see nobody was around and decide it wasn’t worth trying to get service. whoever you were praying to was obviously not listening, because less than a minute after you retreated behind the shelf, you heard the electric chime do the door sliding open and immeadiately hung you head forward and let out a heavy sigh of deep annoyance. “we’re closed.” You said loudly, not bothering to hide your tone of voice, you were in no mood to make acceptions and we’re good tired to even attempt keeping your customer service voice on. rather than being deterred by your tone, whoever had come inside was only walk-in closer to you, you were able to hear the clicking of their shoes getting louder as they approached. deciding to meet them halfway, you began to walk out from behind the shelf. “listen, i said that we-re closed so ju-“ you almost bump into the person in front of you, only making eye contact with their chest at first. The second you look up to see who’s just walked inside, you feel like you want to crumble up and die then and there. Standing in front of you, hands tucked into the pockets of those tight jeans, stands javi. just like last time, the minute you actually begin to be over this man, he appears, as if by magic. It infuriates you. shaking your head, you don’t even say anything, just side step and walk back to the counter “we’re closed.” You repeat. we’re you being petty? probably, you didn’t have the energy to put up with this anymore, you were already remembering crying in the bathroom earlier that day because of this man, you weren’t going to eat it happen again. nothing but flirting for nearly two weeks was enough to drive you insane, somehow miraculously it hadn’t been able. To just yet, and you weren’t going to let it. you weren’t sure whether or not javi was surprised by your response seeing as you refused to even look up at him. Even if you told yourself that you were completely over him, some small part of you knew that there.   Was still a chance that you’d fall for the charms all over again, and you weren’t going to let that happen all over again, you’d just be back, where you started. out of the the corner of your eye, you could tell that javi was now standing across from you on the other end of the counter, you could see his hand resting flatly against its surface. you weren’t going to let him do that, he would just have to take no for an answer tonight. standing up quickly, you turned and headed for the storage room, quickly unlocking it and heading inside. you didn’t really need anything in here. maybe it was just a way to let javi know you weren’t in the mood for his shit, or maybe it was you running away from him, either way, you didn’t really care so long as you didn’t have to be within five meters of the man. you couldn't help but feel a bit stupid thanks to the fact that you were essentially running away from the man, but his presence sent so many different emotions flooding through you all at one that it was hard to keep a stable train of thought, for this you couldn't help but feel a growing dislike building towards him. maybe that was petty and truly showed your bitterness, you didn't exactly care. as you walked inside the storage room, you reminded yourself to throw out the two cigarettes of his that you had left when you got home, you knew that smoking them would only leave you feeling more hurt, getting rid of them completely was your best chance at making you forget about javi, which was all you wanted to do in this current moment in time. it seemed that despite being a dea agent, javi was unable to take the hints that you didn't want to speak to him and instead followed you to the storage room, leaning in the door frame and watching you began a feeble attempt at making yourself look busy by stacking and rearranging a few boxes, letting out a few small grunts, partly because the boxes were heavy, but mainly using it as an excuse to let out the noises of frustration that couldn't be channeled. you felt his eyes on you the entire time, finding that the longer he stared at you, the more you could feel your frustration bubbling in the pit of your stomach. why couldn't he just leave you alone? could he really not understand that you were upset and obviously didn't want to see him? his stubborness and oblivious nature immediately reminded you of your ex, only leading to you feeling more resentment towards the two men, honestly? all men in general. you couldn't have just been a lesbian couldn't you, no, you had to like men as well. "what do you want javi?" you finally asked, slamming one of the boxes down and turning to face him, finding that he was now only inches away from you. you'd been so wrapped up in your own internal ranting that you hadn't even realized his current proximity towards you. your tone of voice wasn't even as angry as you thought it would come out as, you sounded more tired than anything, almost edges of helplessness to it. this only made you feel more frustrated, the idea that you my have appeared vulnerable was disgusting to you. it was obvious that this was an issue raised by your ex, ever since the day you'd realized you were now alone in columbia, you'd refused any help that was offered to you, even from your parents. that was why you were still here in the first place, to show your ex that you could make it on your own. you'd promised yourself that you weren't going to let another man have that much power over your life ever again, and now here you were, getting the smallest bit of attention from a man and ending up as putty in his hands, you couldn't even keep your own promises. maybe he wasn't so oblivious after all, though it could just be because you snapped at him, but it seemed that javi was finally able to tell that you were upset. tilting his head, he reached up and placed a hand on your upper arm; his touch caused you still your movements almost instantly, within seconds, you'd forgotten what you were trying to do. you refused to look up at him, instead choosing to focus on his chest, staring at the brown buttons of his shirt, some small attempt to regain some of your own dignity. the soft, reassuring squeeze you felt on your upper arm was not helping, if anything, it made you want to wrap your arms around javi's waist and hug him, and yet you remained still. it was only when you felt his thumb graze against your chin that you formed your lips into a thin line, attempting to turn your head to the side only for your chin to be grasped by javi, his fingers digging into your cheeks ever so slightly. the grip he held on your jaw didn't hurt despite how he was holding it, he only used it to force your head back towards him, making you look into his eyes for what you realized was the first time for the entire night. looking into his eyes was the final nail in the coffin for you, as if you hadn't cried in the bathroom about him hours ago, you were once again entranced by this man. and you'd be lying if you said you didn't hate yourself for it. he still hadn't spoken a word to you, all he did was stare you down like a lion. in this moment you were no longer the lioness you'd been trying so hard to be, he was the predator and you were the prey. you were no longer able to deny it. your breathing had become shaky, one of the many ways you were unwillingly showing this man the affect he had on you, the sly bastard probably knew that he made you weak in the knees every time he touched you. "what is this..?" you finally spoke, your voice barely above a whisper, it was all you were physically able to muster without your voice cracking as his head began to lower until his face was only inches from yours. he had become so close that you could feel his breath on your lips. the fact that he didn't reply only served to make you even more desperate, desperate for anything. you weren't even sure yourself what you wanted him to do. kiss you? obviously. hold you? maybe. your eyebrows furrowed as you stared back at him, unblinking. "what do you want from me javi..?" as soon as those words left your mouth, he left little time for anymore words to leave you when his lips were on yours. the kiss was aggressive, far more aggressive than you were prepared for, causing your immediate reaction to be bracing yourself by placing your hands on his broad shoulders. you melted into the kiss instantaneously, pressing your body against javi's, who seemed more than accepting of the physical gesture, returning it by wrapping his arms around your waist and lifting you off of your own two feet. being suddenly lifted off of the ground caused you to wrap your legs around his waist as he lowered one of his hands palm your ass through your jeans, showing no mercy in squeezing it as he carried you towards the desk in the back of the storage room where records and stationary sat. sitting you down on the desk which immediately began to creak with your added weight, javi finally broke away from the kiss, panting heavily and resting his forehead against your own. its only now that you've gotten the chance to breathe that you realize how much your lungs were burning for air. maybe that was just another symptom of the many affects javi had on you. when he finally speaks, it's like music to your ears. his voice is husky and velvety, almost makes you think it was all worth the wait. "i want you." you're unsure whether or not he means physically or emotionally, hell, even both; but in that moment, you really can't seem to find the energy to care. you both physically and mentally exhausted, and if there was one thing you knew would relieve some of your stress, it was getting fucked silly by the man in front you. you don't say anything in reply, simply grip the back of his head and bring your lips back onto yours, resulting in a low growl to admit from deep within his throat. the sound itself rock you to your core and sends shivers throughout your entire body, a chilling reminder of the effect that he had on you. there is so much just in the way he kisses you, it's reminiscent of a man starved, desperate and full of lust. the way his lips mold against yours feels like two puzzle pieces designed for each other. him grinding himself against you sends waves throughout your entire body, making you shake and whimper. that was the effect he had on you. he utterly destroyed any train of thought you attempted to keep hold of. his fingers manage to weave their way into your hair, barely even giving you time to enjoy the feeling before he grips a fist full of your locks and pulls harshly, breaking the kiss and forcing you to tilt your head back with a small hiss of pain leaving you. as soon as your head is tilted back, his lips trail from your jaw to meet the soft skin of your neck where he immediately begins to suck and nip at it, leaving a painting of small bruises and love bites littering your neck and collar bones. from what you can tell based on his reaction, he appreciates the shirt you were wearing, and takes the time to kiss the top of your breasts roughly, leaving red marks along your cleavage. your eyes have already fluttered closed at this point and your letting out a series of small mewls and whimpers, holding your mouth open and running your fingers through his own dark hair. there is little hesitation when you feel his fingers pulling at the shirt to untuck the bottom of it from your jeans. the moment he free's it he pulls it over your head with little remorse, leaving you there with the bra you had specifically pulled out on display. he seems to take a moment to appreciate the lacy detailing as he pulls at the buttons of his own shirt, ripping it off of his own body and throwing it to the floor with little regard. maybe its because of the fact that you were emotionally drained, or maybe it was because you'd been lusting after him and craving his touch for nearly two weeks, but you want him even more than you did that first night in the police station. your desperation to feel him inside you outweighs anything else in this moment, it's all you can think about. every inch of your body craves his touch and it's enough to drive you insane. you don't have time for foreplay, all you can think about is how much you need him inside you, the two of you could worry about the rest later. reaching down to his waist, you pull at his belt buckle, showing little regard for how to undo the stupid thing, instead only tugging at it until you feel it click open and immediately pull it out of the loops in his jeans, letting it fall to the floor with a loud clang that you pay little mind to. the jeans themselves are just as tight as always, hugging his legs and perfect ass in just the right way. you quickly undo the small golden button at the top and pull down his zipper with shaky hands. within seconds his hands clamp around your wrists and stop your hands from venturing any further. for a few panicked seconds, you think he might be having second thoughts, that he wants to stop. the thought alone is enough to make your heart beat faster if that were even possible. you don't even want to think about how embarrassed you would feel. your worried thoughts are proved wrong when he instead reaches for your own jeans, repeating the process of unbuttoning them. however this time, he curls his fingers around the waistline and tugs harshly, barely even giving you time to lift your hips in order for him to pull them off of your legs. as soon as you legs are freed from within your jeans, javi is back to standing between your legs, once again leaning forward to capture your lips within his own. you can feel his hand travelling further and further down your stomach and find you are unable to stop the small moans from leaving your throat already, just the sheer proximity of his hand and your core as you aching for his touch. when his hand finally slips past the seam of your panties, you can't stop yourself from grinding against his hand and letting out what you think is the most desperate little mewl you've ever head leave your own body. his fingers trailing through your folds feels like pure heaven and you can tell by the sound emitting from between your legs that you are already soaked. "this all for me?" he grunts against your lips, starting his slow torture of massaging slow circles against your clit as you grind against his hand. the sheer desperation you feel for him has even you taken aback and yet not exactly surprised, you'd imagined him taking you every which way so many times, the fact that it was actually happening again was obviously causing you to be just a little bit eager. for a brief moment, you wonder if you're dreaming; that any minute now you were going to wake up and find that you're laying in bed, completely soaked between your legs and needing to take care of the problem yourself. you tell yourself that that isn't the case, that this all feels so real that i couldn't possibly be a dream. you're broken from your thoughts by the growl that leaves your throat, finding that you've gripped javi's wrist tightly, stopping his movements. within seconds, your eyes are staring into his and the look on each of your faces portrays exactly what the other is thinking. "please javi..." you breathe, taking note of the way your chest rises and falls with deep panting. "i need you." you finally whisper. your words seem to light a fire within him, because the next thing you know, javi has pulled his own jeans further down and is now fishing his cock out from within his boxers, hard and ready. you can't help but look down at it and let your teeth find your bottom lip as memories of sucking it through a jail cell fill your mind. now, all you can focus on is how much you want it buried inside you. quickly reaching down to pull your panties off, you can't even be bothered to unhook your other leg from the hole, instead letting them hang slightly past your knee as you spread your legs for him, reaching down and using your fingers to feel your on wetness, taking care to make sure you were ready for him to enter you. he hardly even bothers to line himself up before he slipping inside of you effortlessly. the stretching feeling of his cock inside you is enough to make you tilt your head back and cry out, quickly wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him closer to you. his movements are slow for the first few thrusts, only in order to establish a basic rhythm that the two of you are able to get used to. as soon as that is established his speed quickens rapidly and his thrusts only get harder, slamming into you with little to no remorse, desperate to chase after the release that you both crave more than anything. his grunts and groans are music to your ears, even just the sounds he's making is enough to send tremors through your body. "been waiting...all week...to have my cock inside this..god..perfect little pussy.." the words he's growling into your ear are downright pornographic, the things he says are so filled with lust and his tone of low and breathy, its intoxicating. his own words are quickly muffled when he buries his head into the crook of your neck, his breathe hot and heavy against your now sweat slicked skin as he continues to thrust into you even harder if that were even possible. your hands have once again managed to find themselves buried in his hair, your fingers curling to tug on it harshly, resulting in javi growling against your skin. "such a good little girl, always taking your papi's cock so well.." the words themselves catch you off guard for about half a second, but the reaction they cause your body to have is enough to ignore any and all surprise caused by his dirty talk. "fuck, papi. please don't stop." the words flow out of you naturally, there is no embarrassment caused by the names, it only makes you feel more alive. you'd never used those sorts of words during sex before, though you were now wondering why you never did. arching your back, you feel him begin to hit that one spot inside you that has you seeing stars, stroking it to perfect with the head of his cock. "fuck, right there, papi, please.." you manage to choke out, shutting your eyes again and wrapping your legs around his waist in order to keep his concentration on that one spot. "say my name.." he's able to breathe out against your collar. you quickly comply, leaning your head down lightly to whimper his name into his ear; as soon as you do, his thrusts get noticeably more rougher. one of his hands reaches from around your back to place itself flatly against your chest, pushing you down until your back is flat against the desk, which is now creaking audibly and rocking back and fourth with javi's thrusts. before you can even focus on the thought of breaking the desk, you can feel javi's fingers curling delicately around your throat and begin to place light pressure on it as he squeezes softly in order to test the waters. you give him confirmation by reaching up with your own hand and squeezing his wrist softly, your small sign of encouragement. that is all it takes to motivate javi to apply more pressure. hastily adding more until he is choking you fully. the lightheadedness you slowly begin to feel creeping up on you is what finally sends you over the edge; you tighten around him suddenly and arch your back, letting out a cry mixed with what you assume is a whimper as you cum around his cock which is still pumping in and out of you brutally, showing no signs of letting up. while riding out your high, you whimper out his name several more times which causes javi's thrusts to turn into glorified ruts as he lets out his own loud growl. you can feel his cock twitching inside your now numbing entrance, yet you can still feel the exact moments he floods you with his cum, coating your walls and filling you. it's only when you feel your head grow heavy with pressure that you tap javi's arm, to which he immediately relives your throat of his hand, resulting in you gasping deeply for air. he's still resting inside of you by the time you both come down from your highs, panting heavily as he leans down to lay a series of soft kisses along your chest and collar bones. you lay your head back on the desk and let your hand stroke the back of his head softly, trying to ignore the somewhat uncomfortable feeling of your own hair sticking to your sweaty forehead. you don't have time to be disappointed in yourself for once again succumbing to the man now resting on top of you, the experience that you've just had was too close to euphoria for you to even care about the consequences; you're too dazed by your own pleasure to think about what was going to happen tomorrow. leaning your head down, you try to escape your own lingering thoughts by kissing the top of his head; his reaction is to hum happily and lift his head to rest it on your chest, staring deeply into your eyes with what you could have sworn was hints of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. for what feels like the first time in just under a year, you find yourself wanting more than just sex from this man. this man who each time, without failure, has made you feel like an absolute goddess every single time you've been together. even if he's only fucking you, he's still managed to make you feel more worth than your ex or any other man for that matter, ever had. you want to keep him in your life, and yet you have no idea how and it scares you. you're not sure whether or not you can tell if your thoughts are going in that direction, maybe your face gave it away you didn't know; but javi leans forward to capture your lips in another kiss. this one is different, it's not as lustful or aggressive, its simply a kiss; which he quickly follows through with laying another to your sweat covered forehead, shutting his eyes softly as he does. you inhale slowly and release it with a long sigh. unable to focus on any of the negatives any longer. the only thing you're able to focus on for the rest of the night is the fact that you were indeed absolutely smitten with this man. and you still didn't even know his full name.

[cromulentbookreview]

I See What You Did There

What’s two plus two?

Huh? What? What’s happening?

What’s two plus two?

Oh, shit, right, I have a book review blog, don’t I? I mean, things have been a bit hectic these past few months and I’m also trying to be a real writer...

What’s two plus two?

Yeah, you’re right, I shouldn’t neglect my tumblr, even if nobody reads it. And come on, computer, it’s not like I’ve been in a coma for four years, two plus two is clearly five and we all love Big Brother, OK? Gah.

Uhhh...And by that, I mean: Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir!

Dr. Ryland Grace wakes up in a spaceship with no memory of how or why he’s there. He’s a junior high school science teacher, what the hell is he doing on a spaceship? Also, the other two astronauts are dead. Like, really dead. So far as how things are going for Dr. Grace right now, I’ll let Pete Campbell give you a hint:

Slowly, veeeery slowly, Grace’s memory starts to come back to him: he’s on a mission to save the Earth. There’s this nasty space bacteria-thingy called Astrophage that’s dimming the light of Mr. Burns’s archnemesis: the Sun.

There’s a lot of science involved, but Weir explains, in great detail, just how Astrophage dims the Sun and why that’s really, really, really, really bad for the Earth. Like, apocalyptic-bad. Billions will die bad. Famine, disease, war, rocks fall, everyone dies and freezes to death bad. Only not right away. Over the course of several years. So everyone will die, but they’ll get to do it real slowly. 

Yay?

Like so, but it ends with everybody dead and the Earth being rendered uninhabitable. All of Grace’s wee little students will grow up watching their Earth slowly die. Unless Project Hail Mary finds a solution. And there seems to be a solution out there - Tau Ceti seems to be the only star not infected with Astrophage. Why? How? What? So this all powerful woman called Stratt, who has been given authority by just about everyone (how? Reasons. Don’t ask questions) yanks Grace out of his classroom - first to study Astrophage, and then, somehow, he can’t remember exactly, roped him into going on a dozen-light-year journey to Tau Ceti with the crew of the Hail Mary.

Only the rest of the crew is dead. Something went wrong while they were in a coma during their four-year space voyage. Grace is alone.

Inside the Hail Mary.

Full of a dude called Grace.

I see what you did there, Weir. Don’t think I didn’t see what you did there. I mean, you don’t even have to be Catholic to see what you did there.

Anyway, long-winded flashbacks and lots of science ensues. I struggled with the first quarter of the book - not for any particular reason other than I started reading this book in the latter half of 2020 and I was having a hell of a time concentrating on...well, everything. Remember 2020? Yeah, it wasn’t great. I mean, I’d need a lot of “not great, Bob!” gifs to describe just how bad those last few months of 2020 were.

And then I thought 2021 would be better. Ahahaha we barely made it six days. Seriously, everything is terrible and how do I even concentrate on a dumb book blog let alone a book all about science and the Earth slowly dying because the sun is dimming and -

Soon enough, however, Grace spots something on the Hail Mary’s radar. It’s...another spaceship? All the way out by Tau Ceti? At first, Grace thinks maybe its another ship from Earth, like a backup plan, that’d make sense, right? Only it’s not.

Who could it be?

Aliens?

Yeah, it’s aliens.

Our friend Grace gets to be the dude to make first contact with the sentient, spider-like creatures of the first planet in the system 40 Eridani. Turns out 40 Eridani is also infected with Astrophage, which is causing all sorts of problems for the Eridians, and their ship just happened to be around Tau Ceti at the exact same time as the Hail Mary. Crazy, right? Anyway, after the initial first contact and the long, drawn-out process of learning to communicate with one another (with no help from Amy Adams or Jeremy Renner), Grace and the lone Eridian, whom Grace christens Rocky, team up to save their respective worlds.

Science and plenty of flashbacks ensue.

I’m not a scientist - well, I have a master’s degree in library and information science, which, I guess, is a science? I mean, uh...I could tell you where all the sciency books are in the library. 500s if you’re using Dewey, and if you’re using Library of Congress, it will depend on what you’re looking for - you’ll want to start with Q for general sciences, QA for math books, QB and QC for astronomy and physics, QE, GC, GB, QC, TN for earth sciences, QD, TN, TP, and TR for chemical sciences, GE and bits of GF, QE, QH, QC, and TD for environmental sciences, QH, QK, QL, QM, QP, and QR for life sciences, QA75-76.9, TK5101-TK6720, TK7800-TK7895, and Q334-Q390 for computer sciences, telecommunication and artificial intelligence, Q, R, S, and T for the history of sciences and if you’re looking for bibliographies and finding aids for topics in the sciences, look under Z.

You know. Science.

OK, so I may not be a scientist. I may be bad at math because numbers somehow magically switch themselves around on paper whenever I look at them. Why? Because my brain sucks, that’s why. I may have spent most of my chemistry classes reading YA books under my desk (worth it!). I may have only passed high school physics by cheating off a girl younger than I was, but hey, the joke was on me: my high school physics teacher wasn’t even qualified to teach physics.

Gotta love rural public schools.

My point is, while the science may be lost on me and my brain which is full mostly of Simpsons quotes rather than actual knowledge, I do loves me a fun story where Science (with a capital S) saves the day. And, make no mistake, this book is fun. You might get a bit bogged down by the science, but once you get past it, this is a highly enjoyable story of one dangerously unqualified guy desperately trying to save the world with his new BFF, alien spider guy who speaks in musical notes. It’s up to them and them alone. Good luck, guys! Don’t forget that billions upon billions of lives depend on you. No pressure.

Seriously, if you loved The Martian, you’ll love Project Hail Mary. They’re similar, but Hail Mary is on a much larger scale than The Martian - there’s a lot more at stake in the hands of one guy. Plus: aliens!

Without spoiling anything, I’ll just say I would have loved more from the ending. I would’ve loved an epilogue from some of the other character’s perspectives or something. I mean, I could even go with a sequel! Maybe something where Erid and Earth are finally able to communicate? There’s a lot of potential for short stories or novellas set in the same world as Project Hail Mary - there’s got to be bonus material there and I want it. More, please? That’d be nice. I’d definitely read it. So... Hop to it, Weir!

One last complaint: Grace doesn’t swear. Like, at all. Meanwhile, Mark Watney is over here like

Come on, Grace, would it kill you to say “fuck” or “shit” every now and again? I mean, I sipped coffee that was too hot and let out a bunch of words that’d make a 19th century whaler blush. Geez.

RECOMMENDED FOR: Fans of The Martian, science-y people, people who enjoy a heavy dose of science in their sci-fi, people who just want a fun story

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: People with no mind for science, people who are against fun, anyone who doesn’t like sci-fi, aliens, fun, etc.

RATING: 4/5

ALIEN RATING:

RELEASE DATE: May 4, 2021 (HEY! Don’t think I didn’t see what you did there, too, Ballantine Books!)

ANTICIPATION LEVEL FOR SPINOFFS / SEQUELS / BONUS MATERIAL OF ANY KIND: Olympus Mons.

DID I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE?

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[normal-thoughts-official]

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeHHDBpb/

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeHHCTwq/

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeHHUxHb/

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeHHDxww/

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeHHCtVm/

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeHHCvo3/

She's hilarious but there's two videos where she starts to speak more mumblingly

ok first of all these are brilliant and i'm losing my mind and i love you, thank you for curating these to me.

i will transcribe them in a bit but i just felt the need to leave this "little" (it's long sorry) note:

as someone who's been raised catholic i just want to say that she is pretty wrong about almost everything she said about catholics, and i say that as someone who hates catholicism with my whole mind body and soul and who's been traumatized by this stupid fucking faith to the point where i can't get into a church without breaking into sobs dauihdasiuh. the catholic guilt is real but catholics are absolutely allowed to divorce and use contraceptives, and also have sex before marriage. the first one is met with some guilt esp from women altho honestly i think it's more due to mysoginist reasons than religious reasons, and the second and third ones are commonpractice and if you say that it's wrong and bad everyone will think you're a fucking weirdo

and even with the divorce thing, while the guilt is there (im pretty sure half the reason my mom doesn't divorce is because she would feel guilty about it, although again, i feel like that's got very little to do with religion and way more with internalized mysoginy), i cannot stress enough that divorce is allowed, almost everyone i know has divorced parents and they're all catholics. the church's official position is kinda weird (as of now pope francis basically said that it's "morally necessary" in some cases but he also referred to ppl who divorced and remarried as "imperfect", but like, it hasn't been forbidden for years, so much so that people get second marriages at catholic churches literally all the time, and i kinda feel like ppl overestimate how much ppl care about what the pope says. at least here in latam, cuz we've always kind of freestyled religion since it was imposed on us anyway, but like... in my experience the average catholic practitioner is INCREDIBLY less conservative than the vatican and i feel like most people don't even know what the pope says or doesn't say. and i'm saying that as someone whose grandfather almost became a priest and only gave that up because he fell in love with my grandmother, and he's been a ferverent catholic his entire life. also two of his kids divorced, one married a divorced woman, one is gay and living together without marriage with his divorced boyfriend, one never married, and one had two kids before marriage which necessarily means that they fucked, and none of that was ever a problem to him. oh, also, my dad had divorced AND he was a buddhist when him and my mom married. currently he is a spiritist)

i think it might be possible that u technically have to ask for "permission" to the church to remarry in church, but in practice i think it's more of a ritualistic thing than actually asking for permission, cuz i've never met a single person who had them say no. it was pretty much "hey local bishop guy so my husband sucked and we divorced can i marry again" "sure lol". obviously it sucks that you even have to ask, but it's nowhere near as strict as people seem to think

the contraceptive thing is also absurd. like i cannot stress enough that my family would absolutely flip if they found out i DIDN'T use contraception. that was always something that my family reinforced very strongly, ESPECIALLY my grandpa. i've never met a single catholic who does not teach their kids to use contraceptives. my high school was catholic (literally named the Holy Cross, fun times, although they didn't impose the faith or anything. in fact almost half of the students in that school are jewish, but like, still, there was a priest in the school board) and we were taught to use contraceptives, put the condom in a banana and the whole pizzazz during biology class

like yeah the bible says not to but it also says not to mix different fabrics and that doesn't mean it's actually a thing that's reinforced in most catholic communities doaihdaj at least not here in latam. in here non-catholic christians are actually way more hardcore about the puritanism rules than catholics are, particularly evangelicals, which are kind of overtaken the catholics' traditional role of being colonialist fuckers as they are mostly from the US so they come to further US imperialism through religion here. watch out catholic church they're coming for ur crown

and even outside of puritanism, "non practicing catholics" are absolutely a thing like ppl who are catholic but don't even pray or go to church, much less care about that shit douahdsaohj so like the stereotype that all catholics are like the very small minority of hardcore catholics is like the stereotype that every muslim lives by the ultra-conservative muslim rules. it's not true and it's stereotypical and taking the minority ultra conservatives to be the rule when they are not

there's also the fact that there are many different currents of thought inside the catholic church (a little bit like with judaism although way less flexible than judaism is), some of which are very conservative, some of which are progressive. here in latam in particular the teology of liberation is extremely popular (it's the one my family subscribes to, and i'm pretty sure it was actually born here in latam) and it's pretty progressive. for catholics, that is

and like mandatory disclaimer that i am coming from my own experiences with latam catholicism, which i feel is different from other catholic countries - my polish friends for example have experiences with catholicism that are a lot closer to those stereotypes than mine ever were - but since most of the catholic population in the world is brazilian (like me), and second place goes to mexicans, i feel pretty comfortable taking it as a ruler to measure general catholic practices

with that being said, however, the catholic church can choke and die in a fire as it is a symbol of colonialism first and foremost, its proselitism is one of the worst things ever, and even the progressive currents are still way too damn conservative for my tastes. i just don't feel comfortable transcribing something that i know is incorrect and stereotypical (and that in some cases is used to further oppression like with the Irish in the UK or armenian catholics, and i've even had some US-diaspora latinos hear some incredible things from gringos who assumed they were catholic, or, in their beautiful words, "had latino religion". but obviously in most cases catholics are the oppressors, especially here in the third world)

also, her assessment in the third video is absolutely correct. A/B/O IS just conservative gender roles born of christian and catholic imposition transposed to a fictional world where the genders have slightly different names, which is why i, as a rule, hate it dauhdsaiuhdauhda and even though the assessment that catholicism is thaaat much more conservative than other christian religions (it's absolutely not, it's Exactly As Conservative) isn't true, catholicism is still where most if not all of western conservative rethoric is born of, and ugh, it's so refreshing to see someone understand this and put it into words so well

so yeah keep that note in mind but anyway, transcriptions:

[Video transcription #1: in reply to a tiktok question, which says, "now i'm thinking about the catholic guilt that would come with it oh my god". user @Omarsbigsister is saying, "good morning", she then covers her mouth as she starts to laugh, before continuing, "I guess I'm the religious omegaverse tiktoker now. I did not know catholic guilt was more than just sex, I thought it was just about sex, but nO. people who are catholic, if you don't know, they get guilt over every little thing, they get guilty when they eat, they have guilt when, like... [dismissive gesture] they have fun... it's messed up *cut* [mumbling i don't understand, sorry] in which you HAVE to be bonded before... *sticks tongue out* *cut* and catholics, from what i know, uhm, cannot get divorced, so you can't be unbonded, you're stuck for life with that alpha or omega, and then you can't use contraceptives so if you have a heat or rut, good luck, you cannot escape it, and on top of that, they preach abstinence, right, so if you're having a heat or rut in your teen years you just gotta deal with it alone like you are not allowed to be bonded, so, that would be really intense."

#2: in response to a question, which said, "follow up question: if in the real world hijabis are women, in ABO universe would hijabis be omegas of all genders?". the user is shown stroking her chin in contemplative silence for a long time, before she says, "actually, both men and women have to wear a hijab, it's just more visible on women, but men also have to cover from like, the neck all the way down... so like when you see them [mumbling i don't understand, sorry] that's their hijab. *cut* Islam is actually treating men and women, like, fairly somewhat equally, so, I feel like in omegaverse alphas, betas, and omegas would all be held to the same standards, and alphas and omegas would also be held by the same standards but then culture would ruin it, just like western culture has ruined it. for your other question. 'would muslim families prefer betas more, and would betas be spiritual leaders', i feel like everyone prefers betas more, but then also Islam came to like, uplift women [a written note then shows up, which says, "like girls are seen as a blessing to have as kids"], so like omegas would be seen as like, a blessing to have as a child.

#3: in response to another tiktok question, which says, "fun fact bestie you cannot get divorced in the catholic religion even if your spouse is abusive and horrible to you so in omegaverse how would that work?". she replies, "the reason that Abrahamic religions seemingly fit so well into the omegaverse universe is because catholicism specifically and christianity, uhm, all the gender norms and all the cultural norms especially in the west came from catholicism and christianity, they were forced on people, and then you know, people might not be religious, but the norms stay. but now you have omegaverse which is basically just a bunch of like youth exploring the youth through this, like, werewolf fanfiction trope, using all these gender roles that you have in society on their head, so, really, what i'm saying, is that... omegaverse is just catholicism fanfiction"

#4: she looks at the camera and says, "getting islamophobic comments is one thing, but getting islamophobic comments that say that muslims cannot be in the omegaverse".... she then breaks into laughter for a solid 30 seconds

#5: she is shown reading out loud, in a mock-outraged face, a tweet that says, "about to murder tiktok they try to make Ramadan a 'quirky' trend. it's a religious holiday. stop it, get some help. /srsly /g.", then a follow-up tweet, which says, "saw a tweet saying on tiktok they are asking questions about how ramadan would work in omegaverse. i'm done with y'all, just say you disrespect muslims and go". then another tweet by a different user, which says, "i tried to read, i got secondhand embarrassment-" they then break out of character and say, "oh, that's fair," before going back, "if it wasn't ramadan i'd be boxing those people right now. those people should be ashamed to even think that way wtf". then another, which replies, "well i'm not celebrating it, so as a non-muslim, i'll happily box them". then, back to her normal voice, she says, "i really was just making a silly little tiktok and seeing that stuff really hurts... i'm just kidding, i can't keep a straight face. you like minecraft youtubers, what are you gonna do to me? what are you gonna do to me?"

#6: in reply to a tiktok ask, which said, "prince philip was an omega". she slowly films herself as she takes a walk, finds the nearest trash bin, and tosses the phone there, before putting the lid over the box. end ID]

[mothbug]

maggie i’ve been trying to suss out the plot of ur bug lesbians for so long please tell me abt them. somehow it got into my head that they were?? like jaeger pilots? please confirm or deny

i can’t do a read more on mobile so i’m sorry in advance (coming back here after i’ve written this: it makes no sense. it’s all rambling. sorry. and i just put things everywhere randomly so this won’t even be typed chronologically)

yeah there’s giant fun robots! most of them are normal and fine but like a few of them are very fucked up

so there’s four pov characters and at the start of the story three of them are on the same ship and the fourth is the target they’re chasing? only one of them knows they even HAVE a target and is trying her best to stall because she and the target were roommates in fucked up robot catholic school. the other two are playing crazy 8s and being romantic and also terrified all the time but also doing a lot of theorizing about things because they know SOMETHING is up they just don’t know what’s going on. Bc you know. their commander won’t give them any information. and also avoids them because she hates narrative parallelism

also the one stalling is also having her blood drunk by her giant robot. and maybe being mildly possessed by it? so it’s maybe The most fucked up robot. it’s also a giant dog and a good boy. and an heirloom of a fucked up family. which may explain some stuff but honestly i think nisa’s mom was just a bitch and it didn’t have anything to do with the robot she’s just like that.

and she’s stalling bc she Knows she won’t turn perovskia in she knows she wouldn’t let her get hurt she Knows it’ll change her life forever if she finds her and she’s just not ready to face that. but yknow she has to so it was all just very silly of her but when something will change your life dramatically it’s terrifying even if you know that things currently Suck.

somewhere in here Arkansas’s family is threatened and it’s. upsetting. and i’m not sure what direction to go in with it but it will be important because her family means a Lot to her. she has two very good kind dads and a little sister named Tinsel. basically she has the only functional biological family out of all the characters and they make me :’) I also think they eventually meet Idabel and ADORE her and since she grew up without parents it’s just a very strange and emotional experience and. h. they r Wives. and the Trust family is all very sweet and kind even if Arkansas struggles a lot w gifted kid syndrome like i think her dads did their best even if they fucked up sometimes yknow. idabel goes fucking wild at the arcade like legitimately bloodthirsty and arkansas is just like i love my furious and powerful wife

anyway there’s some (a lot of) homoerotic space fighting (which perovskia usually wins BECAUSE she remembers when she and nisa used to spar and can predict what she’ll do. nisa ALSO remembers this bc. ofc she does. but perovskia had to learn how to adapt after Events bc her physical health changed a lot and she had to learn to be more careful about overexerting herself and also now knows how to swordfight. and moves more fluidly and confidently. so what nisa expects to happen often doesn’t bc perovskia’s fighting style has changed so much while nisa hasn’t really bothered to refine hers. anyway) perovskia (the gay little target that does a gay little crime and makes fun of you to piss you off) is like hey. what if you all committed treason it’s really fun and sexy. and then her adoptive mechanic mom gives everyone spinal surgery so their bodies don’t shut down and they won’t die :) that’s a thing by the way i won’t elaborate bc uhh :( but it is why perovskia has all the. nerve damage and chronic pain. i can elaborate on the actual Pre-story perovskia stuff later bc i think about it A Lot and it has a lot of bearing on her character but it’s also. before all this. but anyway if she hadn’t been bleeding out on Slice’s front lawn specifically she Would be dead. and there’s some fun narrative foil character shifts that happen four years before the main storyline but i will not say bc i’m tired

after this is Vague in my mind but a lot of it is Perovskia and Nisa reconnecting and just. talking. but being weird and repressed and deflective about anything Meaningful. And I have written a Lot about this so there’s more than I can condense but it’s very fucking good and. Idk. it’s a big shift in the narrative at this point and they’re just Agonizing about their dumb little feelings and it’s good. and P doing some work to make their giant fucking spaceship more stealthy. and Idabel and Arkansas being really cute and also going THROUGH it because i mean. a lot is happening. And it’s nothing either of them ever expected to happen but they’re like. hopeful for the future or whatever don’t look at me. It’s just like. put all of these characters on a spaceship in the middle of nowhere in transit and they all Have to have conversations even if they don’t want to because it’s HARD. nisa is forced by slice to learn how to make pancakes

Slice makes stew. They’re good at stew and contraptions and having a mild new england accent somehow. also canonically back in the scrapyard they would make things like the knife wielding tentacle constantly and perovskia would just stumble upon them. slice changed the live laugh love sign to say die cry hate because perovskia made fun of it. they r her mom.

so now they do some fun fun robberies and various crimes and it’s so sexy and i don’t think N and P are like. fully caught up at this point or know where they stand, so there’s a lot of very fun banter and having to work together despite really being afraid but also yearning to get to know each other again and just connect with one another honestly and openly after four fuckin years apart. because they’re both so different now but also very much the same. horse staring out into sea MAN. the thing is there’s no direct like. reason for them to avoid each other (at first P was shocked and overwhelmed and felt a little bit betrayed when she found out who was chasing her until she found out WHY. oh i forgot to mention Nisa BEGGED to be assigned commander for this mission bc she knew anyone else wouldn’t hesitate to get Perovskia killed. Forgot to mention that it’s IMPORTANT she fucking loves her so much god DAMMIT) but it’s just. tense and there’s a lot happening and it’s just. Ghhhdhbnm and ofc I and A have picked up on it since P showed up but it’s like. ok so what is Happening here. OH AND ONCE THEY START WORKING THINGS OUT IDABEL DOES START BEHAVING LIKE NISA’S SHITTY LITTLE SIBLING AND ACTING FUCKING DISGUSTED BY THEM ITS VERY FUNNY. they’re like perovskia you’re pretty cool what’s up with this. nisa sucks and also is a bitch. and perovskia says SHE CAN GET IT. and idabel says GET WHAT? BANNED FROM OLIVE GARDEN? and perovskia fans herself and is like yeah~ and idabel was just joking around but now is debating between mercilessly making fun of her and hitting her with a cricket bat. but god when P and N just get to hold each other in silence and security and just be. it’s . they. god. fuck. man.

oh i know this is a space story but perovskia just straight up has a sword (and some knives and maybe a gun idk) don’t ask me why idk but it’s very lesbian of her and she does gay little flourishes and is just. very annoying and i like her a lot. she’s very dramatic like her alias was madame revenant when she was living in the scrapyard and just doing some petty crimes like. she embroidered that jacket herself nobody calls her that she’s just a goofball. also warrior cats exist and she makes warrior cat fan animations. that just has to be true so warriors has been preserved for centuries. also she was presumed dead for a while uhh don’t think abt it too much but she likes that aesthetic.

Idabel takes the best to this new life of crime they are fucking FOR it she gets a FLAMETHROWER and Arkansas is like. wrow honestly my favorite thing abt them is that they’re both fucking INCREDIBLE pilots. like they know what they’re doing. and nisa is really really bad at it btw she cannot pilot a mech well. but this block of text isn’t about her i’m talking about THEM. Their chemistry is so good they r just. 🥺. and they both become Fast friends with perovskia because she’s just pretty likeable?? and ofc nisa’s jealous bc a) you guys don’t even like me :( but also b) that’s MY friend. it’s very funny. honey of course they didn’t like you you were being very unpleasant to be around. but arkansas does rlly wanna be friends with her and she and idabel have so much sibling energy it’s insane. i think they’d abel and cain each other for a scooby snack but also kill for each other. because they’re tiny girls who will growl at you solidarity and also probably hang out and just destroy things with bats sometimes. they all become closer and get a rlly sweet found family dynamic it just takes a While. oh also idabel is basically the chosen one and can set things on fire with her hands but it’s barely touched on because i think that’s a really funny thing to just ignore. but i also think it does become important because it’s largely fueled by anger and emotion and. h. i think idabel has a lot of feelings ok. Arkansas and Perovskia bond over having fucking anxiety disorders and have caprisun drinking competitions. i think it’s just like. these people all have similar trauma and need people to lean on when things are hard so they stick with each other once they have the option to split apart because by then they’re friends and work well together and Care. auto tuned baby crying mp3.

Alia and Agent Variety show up somewhere around here? They’re Slice’s very cool wives and Alia has a Vechicle Collection and own fucking stupid race cars and stuff and I love her. perovskia is afraid of being in vechiles so she has to take a fucking benadryl every time they have to make a getaway. Variety isn’t actually an Agent anymore and I also love HER because she’s very fucking good. they started out as just contacts slice had but it turns out they’re all in love <3 alia is also actually a sports car racer like. unprofessionally. illegally. which is just very cool of them.

Also i don’t think it has. a very BIG end, yknow? it’s like, they’re doing very good things and are up against a lot, and I don’t think they like.. singlehandedly take down the government or anything because they’re only a few people. but i think they get a happy ending and get to grow old while making positive changes to the world around them. like i don’t think they’ll be able to solve everything but they’re sure as hell gonna do what they can. But idk maybe they actually do get like. some good shit done. but again they’re not. an army. they’re a bunch of 20-somethings and their rube-goldberg-machine-creating chaperone. but i think they should get a fun climactic moment so i guess this is all to say i don’t. have an ending planned. but there should probably be one at some point.

OH AND the giant evil blood sucking dog vineyard vines robot Definitely almost kills Nisa (or at least fully destroys her in some way) and. it’s very narrowly avoided and she’s very very weak for a while because it took a lot out of her. also the dog robot does make grape vines grow and uhhhh any grapes that show up are 100% full of the pilot’s siphoned blood. also i think there’s still some remnants of that bitch in nisa’s mind afterwards bc an old mechanical god is hard to get rid of. but it’s mostly ok.

Also the bug people are just. a thing. like every person in the most recent generation in this specific society are at least a little bit genetically experimented on because. it sucks there. and i think if your parents bribe the government you can be a little Less fucked up but yknow. everyone’s a little weird. this was an excuse to put bug ppl in here they’re just the folks who were probably the most fucked with and i have many bug people here because i think bugs are cool and i want them to look like weird little bugs. This was all also an excuse to give the main characters fangs bc i’m gay. i don’t think randomly fucking with your genetics will make you a bug in real life so do not try this at home or at all PSA

SPEAKING of the society ok it’s very much obsessed with earth nostalgia and stuff and very yknow. basic cyperpunk shitty capitalism you know the drill you’ve seen space operas whatever but it’s also weirdly oligarchical? and like? it’s weird and bad and kind of a corporatocracy?? and. fuck. idk man they’re a fucked up space catgirl greeble-y amazon with catholic imagery. The Academy is also a thing but. idk how to describe it more than i already have it’s just kinda shitty boarding school. And after a certain point ppl can get sent on like. missions and stuff? in their fucking robots? but again i’m not sure what For. an option could be that there’s nearby Shit and nobody can tell if it’s safe because space is weird? also it’s only about 3200 so i’d say like. whole societies out in space is a relatively new thing and there’s some weird shit going on. so they sometimes send teenagers out in robots to see what’s up and that ends SUPER well for EVERYONE. hmm something SHOULD be going on actually there should be some weird eldritch space stuff. it should be connected to the more fucked up robots. it should also be Core’s fault somehow because uhhh capitalism and lack of foresight? anyway here’s women kissing i don’t know things. WAIT FUCK I FORGOT TO MENTION HOW SHADY SOME OF THE STUFF GOING ON IS LIKE THE DEATHS OF THE CREW PEROVSKIA WAS ON UHHH JUST TRUST ME DUDE like they are NOT afraid to get kids killed which was IMPLIED but also like it goes a little deeper than that and uhh i don’t know exactly what’s happening. but i’m sure it’ll all fall into place eventually. basically it’s very fatt shitty faction vibes idk how else to describe it. man it‘s like. just. there’s stuff happening they have goals and ideals and there’s probably more to it than i know so far bc stuff happens but i don’t KNOW what i’m tired and have been typing this for a year i don’t want to talk abt the bad capitalists i want to talk about tenderness and girls but unfortunately the ways in which the girls are tender are deeply informed by the environment they grew up in so i do have to think about it even if they all deserved better.

i think they all get a cat or a dog or something eventually. like they all deserve it. i think the final home they build together is actually pretty reminiscent of the scrapyard house. i think they get to live there for the rest of their lives and. just build something small and wonderful for themselves :’)

also i forgot to put men in the story they exist i just forgot about them. there’s nisa’s one ex i already forgot his name but he’s mentioned i think.

[tracle0]

hello hey hi and a splendid saturday to you, I come bearing a question for the wip4 gang and that question is: what is each of their most significant memories? additionally, are there any memories they would jump at the chance to get rid of? ok bye please have an excellent day \o/ (and before you yell at me I'm going to sleep now I swear)

I’m glad that when you even LOOK at me you think ‘oh sleep time’ I am Pavlov and you are my dog and this metaphor is stupid I will answer your question now

I’m gonna... assume this is uhh pre-story question because I know for a fact that at least three characters would change their answer to at least one question if it was post-story. My house, my rules. 

Keaton’s most significant memory is p r o b a b l y the time when he was in year 12 (17), and he was called to the head of sixth form office. He’d been at this school since year 7 (11), and had realised he was trans in year 8 (12/13), and had then been fighting for the right to use his bathroom ever since. This had previously resulted in punishment. In year 10 (15), he made progress, being allowed to use the disabled bathroom, but he wanted the men's bathroom dammit. 

Anyway, called to head of sixth form, assumed it was related to that issue. Pessimistic about the whole ordeal. 

Turned out there was another student in like year 9 who had come out as trans as well, and the school had gone ‘UHHHHHHHHH LET’S DO BETTER THIS TIME’ so Keaton, being the only other trans student in this rural Norfolk school, was assigned as her... mentor??? I guess? 

He was half like ‘fuck y’all’ and half like ‘I will not let this young woman go through the same shit you all put me through, I will guard her like a HAWK’. He was still not allowed to use his bathroom, but he makes her fight a little easier; she’s allowed to use her bathroom in year 10, after he left. They still meet up every now and then for coffee. 

Memory to be rid of: First day on a Professional Set, he walked backwards whilst taking a tea order and fell into a bin. Terrible first impression. He still got jobs afterwards, but sometimes people will be like ‘oh yeah I’ve heard of you you’re the bin guy’ and he wants to punch them. 

This is getting long already I’m gonna put the rest under a cut

I know you’re here for Mika so I’ll go to them, most significant memory: probably his first pride? He didn’t intend to go to pride, but he was in the city on the day of pride and just walked past all these rainbows and flags and people being so open and proud and themselves. He was maybe fifteen, and had been having those fun Gender Feels that you try and hide at age fifteen, because you’re only fifteen and most people tell you you’re not old enough to know anything about yourself, yknow? 

Someone gave him a flyer at one point, and when he got back to his Ultra Christian Household, he hid it and would read through it some nights. When he had it memorised, he started to explore more about queerness online. He’s the guy who can tell you all about LGBT history due to this research. This was only done in the city on the library computers, where his trail couldn’t be tracked. It gave him some sort of start for labels, some sort of safe space, some sort of New Approach to everything he’d been feeling. 

Memory to be rid of: last day in Ultra Christian School. He was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school and it wasn’t awful until he was about fourteen, at which point he started to grow his hair. They told him to cut it constantly. He was punished for it. He kept the hair. 

It got bad but it wasn’t until he was about seventeen that it really buckled; first real notable psychotic episode. He told people, they were convinced it was some sort of possession, convinced he’d sinned, convinced of all these horrible things about him and drove him out until he could ‘act normally’ again. He did not go back. 

In all honesty, the second he turned 18, he took his savings from various dead grandparents and a part-time job, bought a second-hand (maybe third-hand) camper-van and left home. 

He goes back for Christmas only. 

Mooooving on, Lynne! Who I do not talk about enough; she’s also part of the documentary squad, and actually the reason the whole squad exists. Producer and director, she’s very cool okcoolthanks

Most significant memory: That one time she was thirteen and her parents had officially declared their divorce. She was living with her dad and it was really, really weird and she was not enjoying it. Divorce is a big deal to some families, and this family was one of them, and she was really unsure about her entire future. 

Cue Mika, young and mostly obedient, kicking down the door (not literally) and kidnapping her (again, not literally) to come pick blackberries with him (very literally). They stayed out until the sun went down in early Autumn. She forgot about the divorce for a small amount of time. They ended the day eating fish and chips straight from the paper whilst sitting in a tree and talking about nothing important at all. 

They made jam out of the blackberries the next day. It was gross. Both of them refused to admit it was gross. 

Memory to be rid of: She went camping one time with friends from school. Lynne is Muslim and so did not go to Catholic school with Mika, they just lived near each other, and so school friends went ‘hey we’re going camping you should come’ she did come. 

It was a mess. They were fifteen and determined to drink, and English peer pressure to drink is weird, so she did take some drink but didn’t drink it. Someone threw up on her tent and blamed it on her. No-one bought any food or water, the only thing she was able to drink was lemonade bought for mixing and that had ants in it within two hours. 

She woke up first and left them all there, then walked home because she was meant to be lift-sharing. It took an hour and a half. She preferred that to being in the car. 

That group wasn’t her only group of friends, but it was her main group, so things were awkward for a while. 

Moving on from Documentary Squad, Percival! Percy Percival who I wish I could call Percy because it’s so much easier to write. 

Significant memory: winning an art contest when he was like. Eleven. Really living the high-life, ol’ Percival. It was a city-wide contest, with various age categories. He was part of the 11-18 clump, which put him at a disadvantage, but he still won. As a reward, his art was replicated on a mural in one of the shopping malls in town, and he got some fancy vouchers for a fancy art shop in the city. 

Winning the art contest made him go ‘oh wait I’m actually good at this thing I really like doing I should learn how to do that more’ and you could barely pry him away from his sketchbook from that point on. 

Those vouchers were stored away until he was 14 and doing art GCSE, at which point he bought a nice sketchbook and oil paints. He’s now very good at oil painting. I hate him for being good at oil painting. Oil painting SUCKS. 

Memory to be rid of: I’m torn between three and they’re all similar so I’ll go for all of them. 

#1 - losing an eye to Abby’s experiments. You read the lil short story I think (I know I checked just now) - she’s a very kind and loving sister who sometimes moves his body parts around. One time, he lost an eye and went blind for a few weeks. He had nightmares about it for months. It was very painful.

#2 - losing a finger. To Abby’s experiments. It was the middle finger on his left hand and it didn’t go back into place quickly enough - now it’s always numb and discoloured. Good news is he’s right-handed and not a musician so no worries about losing dexterity on that hand. 

#3 - losing two ribs. To Abby’s experiments.  There’s a very clear trend here. She wanted to try moving things she couldn’t see around. She moved two ribs away. She decided it was more dangerous to put them back. Now they just have two of Percival’s ribs lying around. 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

On that note, final person, this is very long. Abby! She’s fun. Most significant memory;

okay the word ‘significant’ has caught me off-guard several times cause like wow how do you figure out significant memories for people. I don’t have just one, yknow? But I think I know one for her. 

She’s the eldest out of her and Percival and, for a while, people wanted her to set an example for him, which she tried to do, but she wasn’t good at what people wanted her to be good at. She’s good with people. She’s good at very specific parts of biology. She’s good at psychology. She’s not good at school and tests. 

So, when Percival started to beat the standards she set for him, her parents almost... egged competition on. Played favourites, compared the two siblings. Nobody really noticed what she could do, they only cared about what she struggled with. And the parents were rarely around to help out with what she was struggled with. So she struggled on and tried to keep her head high.

Cue a family wedding, she was snooping around the snack table at the reception and overheard her parents talking about her. And how they were almost disappointed in her. How they were annoyed that she couldn’t be more like Percival, honestly, what did they do wrong? 

She got bitter. She pretends she doesn’t care but she’s bitter, and with no parents around to lash out at, she lashes out at Percival, who isn’t even aware. Good times. Not good times. Significant times. 

Memory to be rid of: Honestly? Probably hearing her parents talking about her at the family wedding. It stings. 

A n y w a y this was extremely long I like going into detail with short stories, if you read this far then thank you I appreciate it I will give you a feather from my feather collection. Probably a swan feather. I have a lot of swan feathers. 

[sugarchains]

theres a whole open schools hashtag on twitter bc people suck and it constantly takes everything within me to not be like yall got me and all the other teachers fucked up

they keep going “the kids need to go back to school” like

my guy

what the fuck do you think we are DOING im so tired of them

like every time teachers go “hey we dont wanna teach in person because literally we dont wanna die” they go “then quit” 

theres already a teacher shortage in literally every state, WHOMST is gone teach your kids

and for real they have me all the way fucked up, because like. i have a masters degree??? i can literally go work anywhere

fuck it i could go work in private school, and know that i wouldn’t have to buy my own ppe and worry about my students having internet because private/catholic schools have that covered

but NOOOO im here for these niggas and people who have no teaching experience or certifications have so much to say, but are not putting any money or work in 

ANYWAY-

“you all get off 8 weeks in the summer, and you dont do anything so i dont know why youre complaining”

last summer i got 3 different certifications and attended like 3 seminars, one i paid for out of pocket. like i have to CONSTANTLY be working on this certification. i need a hundred hours of professional development every 3-5 years, or else they take my license HELLO? 

Im on break, and im gonna spend tomorrow grading and then working on a personal statement for at least 1 summer program, like i really need niggas to like

comprehend that it’s A LOT of work. put up or shut up ok 

“you knew the job was hard when you got into it” AHT AHT i didnt sign up to teach through a pandemic bitchass, with no ppe or barely any technology like suck my whole entire dick 

[jamiecostello]

(DEAKEN BLUMAN, CIS MALE) - Have you seen JAMES COSTELLO? JAIME is in HIS JUNIOR year. The PSYCHOLOGY MAJOR is 21 years old & is a AQUARIUS. People say HE is ATTENTIVE, CHARISMATIC, CLOSED-OFF and SARCASTIC. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID. I heard from the gossip blog that HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR A HIT AND RUN THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND DIED IN. (Olive. yea luv xx)

his pinterest is here :)

Uhhhh so if you want to know much more about the family in detail just check out dear Anna’s will intro bc im too lazy to type it out

He was raised Catholic, in an Italian family in New York. His family was involved wit the teamsters and he had kind of a classic, old New York upbringing in Brooklyn. Born on January 25th, he’s an Aquarius

Him and his older brothers ran circles around each other growing up. From a young age they pretty much had figured out how to live independently in New York.

In school, Jaime was the kind of kid that got in trouble for reading under his desk during lessons. He was naturally smarter than most of his peers, but in a way that his teachers didn’t really appreciate. He always cracked jokes in class, smart ones, but he was still a distraction. He was like the kid in class u didn’t want to laugh at but u did. BUT he was also like. Very focused on his grades. If he got anything less than an A he would panic

The one time he and his brothers got caught doing shit as a kid he cried :/ but he was teased for it most likely and then just never cried again

He grew up and his older brother Sean became a cop and he was like wtf?? the last time he saw sean Jaime spat in his face literally

So once he got to high school he was relatively normal?? But then he met like. The love of his life junior year. A girl named Alexandra in his class. They quickly started dating and tbh they were like that. gross couple drawing hearts on each other’s hands and making plans to get married at age 17

But it was okay bc she was Italian too and his family was like?? Nice. And she felt the same way about him. It was honestly fucking gross. But they were in love.

But he also started drinking around this time and experimenting with drugs so?? He was kind of a mess. Not the best boyfriend. He’d abandon her all the time in the middle of parties bc some dudes with fake ids were going to a bar. He’d text her the next day like sorry xx

He’s not the best with emotions be to him they’re like weakness?? Anyways

Uhhhh one day Jaime was driving both himself and Alex back form a party, drunk. He t-boned another and Alex died on impact. Miraculously, or funnily enough, the other driver involved was also drunk. As the man stumbled out of his car they assumed he was at fault. Jaime never bothered to clear up the situation and this other man? Yeah he’s in jail even though it was Jaime’s fault

SO SURVIVOR’S GULT YEAH!!! he sucks

UHH SO PERSONALITY!!!

He’s kind of like.... anal... idk another way to put it... for a guy that jokes around a lot he has a very particular way of doing things

For instance he keeps an excel spreadsheet of everyone he’s slept with :)

but HIS humor is more sarcastic than like himbo which also makes him most likely to get punched in the face

Very hardworking!!! uhh drinks as hard as he studies. Most likely to go to the library with a hangover

He’s a weird dude! Acts like he’s on spring break all the time. Or alternatively like he’s 40. It’s an odd balance

Grumpy.

Stubborn too. If you tell him to do soemthing he Does Not do it

HC TIME!

okay so going to church growing up he would always make gaggin motions when he thought the priest wasnt looking

He can cook! Mostly pasta. He makes Sauce. A Sauce Man.

Uhhh its a hc for me that he’s dated one other person since Alex so WANTED CONNECTION ALERT

HOOKUPS!!!

An awkward Tinder hookup that he expected to never see again but oops now you’re in the same class

Uhhhh give me someone who lives across the hall from him in Kincaid that he’s secretly simping for

um an ex that he actually cared about?? but then he was like nope bye out of fear of hurting someone and broke up with them with no explanation

NY friends!!!A good influence.

Blease… someone tell this boy to study

A drug dealer!!!

Someone he’s a bad influence on….

Ok but give me someone that actually knew his gf before she died