#like not to mention the drama of some kids that's none of my business but the songs slap and i saw so many music critics

[bunnyhugs77]

Daddy Daycare

Pairing: Technician! Jungkook x Teacher's Assistant! Reader

Word Count: 6.7k

Part: 1, 2, 3

Series Content: daycare au, suggestive themes, love at first sight? dilf jk, mentions of antidepressants, mint jk and blonde jk, jk cant sleep, sexual themes, he's so whipped, toxic ex, minor baby mama drama, gold diggers, mentions of death, complicated family history, cute kid cameos, reader can't drive, jk is good with his hands, mentions of abusive relationships, so much fluff.

Other Series Content: soft dom! jk, muscle kink, pussy puts his ass to sleep, unprotected sex (just don't), oral sex (f! and m! receiving), brief choking, minor breeding kink, hickeys, brief dom! reader, reader makes him wait, intimate cuddling, praise.

"And the kiss. Oh, Vanessa, the kiss was something else!" You exclaim, helping to set up the Christmas decorations around the class.

It was only the day after Thanksgiving which means the Christmas season was now in full swing. Stepping up on the small stepping stool to hang the green tinsel over the whiteboard.

"It sounds like you had a good night. What's the problem then?" Vanessa sets up the miniature Christmas tree in the corner.

"I did. Everything was going so well. Dare I say perfectly, until his phone was going off non stop from someone named Hanna saying things like 'when am I gonna see you again' and 'I can't stop thinking about our night together'"

Vanessa gasps. "So what did Jungkook say?" You chew on our bottom lip, "He was putting Ryan to bed in the other room, so he wasn't there when I saw those messages pop up." She tsks.

"I tried to tell you. Nothing good comes from dealing with a parent." You sighed heavily, looking out the window at the playground that was covered in a thick white blanket of snow.

"I know, but I couldn't help it. Him and his stupid smile and his pretty eyes." Vanessa hums smugly. "I'm sure Hanna thinks the same thing." You groan. She's right.

"You're right, I shouldn't get involved. She could be the mother of his child for all I know."

"For your own sake. You better pray she's not. Ex's are a royal pain in the-"

"Good Morning." Vanessa interrupts her own words as she greets the parents that walked in.

Crouching near the bookshelf while you organized the fallen books, from the corner of your eye you were able to pick up on the entrance of your minor headache. Not Ryan, of course, his father.

Ryan was just a sweetheart who greeted you with a hug so tight that he'd knocked you out of your crouched position onto your bum. "Ryan! Be careful." You'd never heard Jungkook's voice so stern. You make sure the boy is okay and help him back to his feet before moving your hair back to where it should be.

"Sorry, Ms. Hill." He apologizes with those big brown eyes that he clearly gets from his dad. "It's okay, I'm fine." You reassure with a smile and he runs off.

Jungkook offers you his hand to help you up but you stand on your own, dusting off your jeans with a clearing of your throat. "Are you okay?" He asks.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I promise. I landed on the carpet."

"That's not what I meant." He says.

Taking a quick glance around the classroom, noticing some parents still making their way in and out of the classroom and the kids making their way to their seats. "You know, now really isn't a good time-" About to move out of his way, he steps in front of you.

Instinctively your eyes rolled, trying to remember what Vanessa told you. Not to get involved. "I know you saw the texts. Let me explain." You shake your head, "It's none of my business, there's nothing to explain. You should get going. I wouldn't want you to be late for work."

With that said, you walk away, heading towards the desks where your students waited patiently for instruction.

Jungkook walked out of the daycare that day deflated and unable to think about anything aside from you, and that look in your eyes. Like you were disappointed, as if you had high hopes for him and he let you down.

He thought he could just move past it, maybe even accept that things wouldn't work out between the two of you, but seeing you everyday, smiling with all the other parents and giving him nothing more than a simple head acknowledgement was killing him.

As much as he wanted to explain himself, he didn't want to force himself into your life. He wanted you to want to hear him out, even if that meant the two of you not talking much or at all for a few weeks then he was going to have to be okay with that.

But there were some days he had to physically restrain himself from breaking the no-contact. He remembers the day vividly. It was the first week back from winter break, maybe he was so pent up because he hadn't been able to see you for two weeks or if it was how good you looked in your leggings.

All he knows is that somewhere between that mix and you squatting to pick something from off the ground, for the briefest of seconds he'd caught sight of the strappy black thong that rose over your hips before they were hidden once again under your bottoms.

No one would've noticed it. No one that wasn't mildly obsessed with you that is. He quickly sent Ryan off and left for work. Managing to somehow squeeze in 13 hours of work into an 8 hour shift, he'd overcompensated as a means to distract himself.

"So you guys just haven't talked since you shooed him?" Vanessa asks for clarification, wrapping her scarf securely around her neck, getting ready to head out after offering you a ride which you couldn't object to, weather conditions were worsening as you were entering the heart of winter in the middle of January.

"I didn't shoo him, but I definitely would've handled things differently if I knew he would start avoiding me. I didn't want things to end like this." You explain, digging your hands deep into your pockets the moment the two of you stepped outside. The chilling air blew in your hair and around your earmuffs with determination.

You strapped yourself in passenger seat, "So you didn't actually want things to end?" With your head laying back on the headrest you puffed out a stressed breath, unintentionally making a small circle of condensation on your window. Like a child you drew a little heart in the middle.

"I thought I did, y'know? Wanted to do what you said and stay away, but maybe I got hasty." She hums oddly, making a ominous "Mhm" sound. "What does that mean?" She pulls out of the parking lot slowly, the snow was really falling tonight, laying on the ground in thick increments.

"Nothing." Turning to face her with your body, "No, no. Say it."

"I've been here. You know I've been here, I've been in a very similar position, but I did somehow manage to get a decent outcome, but things could've gotten much worse, not just for the relationship but for his kid at the time. So, I guess what I'm saying is, take this little break to really think about if this is the kind of thing you want to get yourself involved in."

You nodded, sitting with your hands in your lap like an obedient child. Really taking what Vanessa was saying into deep consideration. Deciding to reflect on it for the rest of the car ride to your building.

"What a day." You sigh, as you drop your keys onto the small counter you kept near the door.

The first thing you noticed was how cold it was inside your apartment, as if trying to compete with the flurrying outdoors. "Why is it so cold in here?" You whisper to yourself.

Flicking on the lights, or at least that's what you wanted. "What the--" the switch flies up then down then up again with the tip of your finger as you restlessly try to turn the lights on. "You've got to be joking."

Wrapping yourself tighter into your jacket as you walk through your dark apartment, relying on the sheer memorization of the layout to get you to the bathroom where you tried turning on the tap. Nothing.

The pipes must've frozen. and the snowstorm blew out your power.

This was great news for you, you'd always loved the movie Frozen and now you get to experience it first hand!!

"You've reached the voicemail box of--"

"Fuck you!" You shout at your phone after 5 hours and the twelfth attempt you'd made at calling your landlord. He's always been an asshole but ignoring his tenants when they were freezing to death is an all new low even for him.

You'd managed to wrap yourself in a blanket burrito surrounded by the 4 candles you were able to light before your hands began to freeze. Your body was barely managing to keep warm until you remembered the small cheap space heater you'd bought from a thrift store a few years back.

But it was buried deep in your closet. However, it took you no time to find it as you dug through the mountains of miscellaneous objects and finally pulled it out from the bottom.

Rushing to plug it in with desperation. Then you remembered. There was no power. As badly as you wanted to scream and toss the heater across your dimly lit room, you didn't. Instead you sat quietly in your burrito and began to cry.

What if this was it?

Tomorrow your students would find out their teacher had frozen to death. Were you being dramatic? You weren't even sure. You're not even sure how they would react, but you're sure the parents would be shocked- and Jungkook.

Jungkook.

"Jungkook!" You gasp. Your freezing hands reaching for your phone, trying to type in his number as fast as you could but your joints felt like they were dead locked in place and moved 1 key per minute.

The phone began to ring, and ring,,,

On the other end of the line, Jungkook was also having a pretty rough night. Laying on his bed with his bare stomach facing the ceiling eyes wide open and his brain a never ending circus.

He tried to focus on his breathing, but he couldn't sleep.

He hasn't been able to get a good sleep for a few months now.

Turning on his side he looked at the picture of him and Ryan at his third birthday party. He was so much smaller then. 'I looked so happy' he thinks to himself with a sad smile on his face.

Beginning to wish that Ryan was with him in that moment but he knew it was for the best that he'd dropped him at his parents' for the weekend. He was beginning to enter one of those episodes and he couldn't stop it, no matter how badly he wanted to, no matter how hard he tries to.

Ryan deserved a father who could be happy all the time-- He sits up. Holding his head in his hands, taking deep breaths. Erasing those thoughts- trying to. Slowly letting his vision roam back to his night stand drawer where he kept his pills.

God, was it always going to be like this?

Lifelessly he reached for the handle and pulled it open, his hands blindly reaching for the cylindrical bottle and unscrewing the cap taking the recommended dose before putting it away.

He lays back down with a soft grunt, staring up at the ceiling tumultuously. Resting his hands on his firm core, focusing on the way it rises and falls with every breath, thinking about the day it stops. The day he's no longer sentenced to the time he's currently serving in his own mind-

"I should try to get some sleep" He mumbles to no one in particular.

His eyes shoot open after a mere 3 seconds of being closed. He listens to it ring, ring and ring, not sure he's in the mood to be taking any calls right now.

Though, it may be his parents with an emergency. He finds himself rolling onto his stomach, more than shocked to see your name pop up on his phone.

"Hello?"

"H-Hi! It's me. I'm sorry if I woke you up," Your voice was refreshing, like the first ray of sunshine after a dark and stormy night or the smell of fresh coffee in the morning.

"No, you didn't wake me. What's up?" You weren't sure if you were looking too deep into things but he sounded different. His voice was flatter, none of that familiar bubbly hint to be found in it, then again, It was nearly one in the morning.

"You probably don't remember but you gave me your card, and said if I ever had any technical issues I could give you a call," your teeth were chattering, prompting you to wrap yourself even tighter.

"I remember." How could he forget.

"Yea! Well, my apartment has no power or running water, so its pretty cold over here, and I was wondering if you had any tips or tricks on how to get something to work."

He sits up abruptly. "What?"

"Yeah, my landlord is pretty shitty and hasn't answered my calls, I'm not even sure if maintenance is available or even knows about the situation themselves." You hear some muffling on the other end assuming he'd dropped his phone but it was actually Jungkook rushing to put on a shirt.

"Hello?" you say blankly, wondering if you'd lost connection.

"It's a fucking snowstorm outside. You'll freeze." You laugh, and that stops him in his tracks for a moment, "Oh I know, I'm getting a little taste of that right now actually. Do you by any chance know what the first signs of frostbite are?"

"Send me your address, I'm coming to get you."

"No, Jungkook. I wont let you do that, the roads are terrible." He doesn't respond, or maybe he does, you couldn't hear over the sound of keys jingling.

Clearly it was useless trying to change his mind, and the last thing you'd want is for him to go out of his way for nothing so you sent him your address.

What would usually be 15 minute drive had turned into 40 with the poor weather conditions but it wasn't any more than an hour before you heard knocking on your door.

Still wrapped in your thick blankets you opened it.

"Are you alright? How do you feel?" Jungkook inspects you, taking your hands in his, "You're ice cold." He says, reaching into his jacket pocket and placing his hand warmers in yours. "Keep those, they'll help you warm up." He insists.

"Do you have everything?" You nod while briefly raising your overnight bag. "Okay, let's go."

The drive over was silent, you somehow managed to fit your seatbelt over your jacket and blanket that you couldn't part with. Jungkook periodically looked over to se if you were okay, never actually saying anything but the concern in his eyes was evident with every glance.

The first step inside his place gave you chills, the good kind, finally. Not the ones that left you shaking for warmth. It was so warm, Jungkook took your bag while walking you towards the living room as he turned on the fireplace, suggesting you warm up before doing anything else.

"Here," He hands you a warm mug of hot chamomile with a bit of honey for sweetness. "Thank you, Jungkook. For everything." You say sincerely, afraid you'd be repaying him for all the times he'd saved your ass in this life and the next.

"Don't mention it." Unwilling to accept such a humble response, "No. I'm serious. I disturbed your night, and you dropped everything to help me." He smiles for the first time all night, it was a small one but it was still a smile.

"I told you, already. I wasn't doing anything. I'm actually glad you called, it was nice to get out of my head for a bit." your head tilts unconsciously at that last part. "Nevermind." Checking his watch, it was nearly three in the morning.

"I set up your stuff in my room. It's getting pretty late, you should get some rest." Your eyes were feeling pretty heavy now that he mentioned it, you didn't fight it. Slowly standing from the pile of throw overs you'd buried yourself underneath making your way upstairs.

"Wait." You pause at the first step.

"Where's Ryan?" You should've realized sooner, but what could you say, you were a bit wrapped up earlier. Literally. "He's at his grandparents, probably snoring right now as we speak." You smile.

You'd gotten ready, taking a much needed shower and tying your hair back into two braids so that they would have some soft waves for tomorrow.

You sat cross legged on Jungkook's bed with your MacBook on your lap as you went through some of the classroom picture's you were yet to send to parents from the Winter Wonderland Concert the daycare had put on last week.

"Hey," Your head snaps up to see Jungkook peeking his head through the door, "I just wanted to say Goodnight." He says and you smile, but you'd just come across something you're sure he would love to see.

"Come look at this video of Ryan singing his interpretation of the opera singer we had perform last week." Jungkook sits beside you on the bed with his legs stretched out in front of him.

He paused when he turned to look at you, "What?" Your face is puzzled at his concentrated expression. "I didn't know you wore glasses?" He says and it reminds you that this was the first time he'd seen you with lenses on, or anyone for that matter.

"Yeah, I usually wear contacts-- Look! This is the part," You get distracted as the video begins to play. And somehow one video turns into five and the computer slides off your lap into the gap between the both of you as your head laid against his padded shoulder.

You'd fallen asleep. Slowly Jungkook closes the laptop and places it on the nightstand, even more carefully removing your glasses and placing them on top of the stowed away device.

Letting you down gently until your head hits the pillow, he sneakily begins to slip out of your grasp. "Stay." You say, your eyes closed and body still. Maybe he was hearing things. He shakes it off and begins to step away.

"Please, m'Cold." You mumble into the pillow with your eyes still shut.

"Do you want me to turn up the heat?" He offers like the gentleman he is, for the first time he saw a sign of consciousness as you slightly shake your head. "I want you to stay, please?"

He was nervous. Settling himself under the convers with you, remaining as far as possible and turning off the bedside lamp. Within two minutes his body froze as you'd rolled over from your side until your head was on his chest.

He wonders if you could feel the way his heart was racing.

you could.

"Relax," you quip, half-awake. Oddly enough, that actually does help him to relax, his arm instinctively wrapping around your waist for comfort. Feeling your body against his didn't trigger his perversions as he once thought it would.

It felt so much better than that. He felt, comfortable. The way your body radiated a calming heat onto him and reassured him that someone was both physically and emotionally present was just enough to lull him to sleep.

As the night morphed into a radiant sunrise you began to stir in your sleep. Your limbs stretching across the the grey sheets and soft blankets while the tips of your fingers roamed the surface.

Slowly remembering where you were and realizing you were in the bed alone. Though you specifically remember going to sleep with him. When did he get up?

Tugging down the leg of your sweatpants that had rolled up at the ankle at some point during your blissful sleep. Rubbing your eyes as you stepped into the bathroom to brush your teeth before finally following that pleasant scent that was wafting around the house.

"Still avoiding me?" You joke as you laid your eyes on Jungkook's broad back that was facing you as he flipped pancakes. He turns to you with a lopsided smile.

"Avoiding you?" Nodding, letting your hands trace the back of the chair before taking a seat at the island, watching him.

"Yeah, you've been avoiding me since thanksgiving." His brows furrow then raise in a mix of confusion and astonishment. "Me? I have not been avoiding you. I was giving you space."

Bracing your hands down on the countertop you shake your head. "Yes you have. Every day you see me and just leave, not a good morning or anything."

Jungkook flips this battered treat a little harder than he should. "Yeah, because the last time I had tried to talk to you, you made it pretty clear you didn't want to talk, so why would I force it?"

You sigh. Vanessa was right, maybe you did shoo him. "I didn't mean to disregard you so inconsiderately, I was just-- I don't know what I was feeling in that moment, honestly." He turns to face you once again, leaning back on the counter.

"I know, that's why I wanted to explain myself." Your eyes watch his buff chest raise and fall as he takes a deep breath, "My eyes are up here." He points between the two of you, and you felt like you could just fall over and die.

You clear your throat, deciding that you simply couldn't make eye contact with him at all after that!

He notices your embarrassed body language, "Hey, I was just joking, I don't mind your eyes wandering a little." He teases and it somehow made your face even hotter, you were afraid you would burst into flames.

"Just-Just go back to what you were saying." You almost plead as you run a hand through your wavy hair.

Jungkook plates the last pancake on to your elegantly presented plate, before sliding it in front of you. Making a plate for himself he decides to eat standing up in front of you with his plate on the counter you could maintain direct eye contact.

"I met Hana about a year ago at Ryan's old school before we switched here. She's another parent I'd met at one of their events. I was going through a lot of shit back then, so relationships were the furthest thing from my mind but one night about 6 months ago, our kids were away at a summer camp for 2 days; and after a few play dates over the prior months, she'd called me to let me know that Ryan had left one of his toys at her place. So I went to pick it up, but we ended up talking, had a few drinks and one thing led to another and then shit hit the roof." He sighs before taking a bite of his breakfast, which is delicious by the way.

Your head tilted to the side ever so slightly, subconsciously of course but Jungkook took it as an indication to explain. "I made sure it was clear to her it was just a one time thing and she agreed. For the first few weeks I thought we were on the same page, but then she started calling me and leaving these... desperate voicemails. After that I already knew I wouldn't be be bringing Ryan back to that preschool, besides their teachers were terrible." You nod, no longer eating as the story kept you fed and engaged.

"At first I thought she would stop over time, but she didn't. It only got worse, so I finally called her back to let her know she needed to stop but she wanted to have the conversation in person, which sounded reasonable to me at the time, but I should've seen right through it because low and behold, the same mistake was made, once again."

"Wait," You pause him, "So when did you guys hook up the second time?" His eyes look up to the ceiling as though the answer was written on it, "Sometime around the end of August, just a few weeks before school started." The twinge of jealousy that bubbled in your stomach was undeniable but you had no right to be jealous. He literally had no idea you existed at the time.

"And she kept calling your phone all the way until Thanksgiving?" you say with a weird tone, unsure how Jungkook would've let her continue to bother him for so long. Almost with shame he nods,

"I kept saying I would get around to cutting her off once and for all, but I went to a pretty dark place, y'know how life can get sometimes. I didn't care much for anything at all, but when I saw what it had done to us," he gestures between the two of you, "I realized my negligence was driving away people that were important to me, and I didn't want to lose you. So I had ended things with her once and for all shortly after new years. Y'know, wanting to start off the year fresh and shit like that."

You swallow, "I had no idea, you were going through such a hard time." You say almost sadly but maintain the soft smile on your face. A similar one creeping onto his face, "Well then that's good. Means the antidepressants are doing their job." He chuckles and you didn't know whether to laugh along or be concerned.

"It's okay Y/n, you can laugh." You smile, "I-I just don't know what to say. All this time I was thinking I was some kind of home-wrecker or that you were seeing someone else, but to hear you explain what was actually going on makes me feel like such an idiot."

Jungkook scoffs jokingly, "Homewrecker? If Ryan's mother was still in the picture, a 'homewrecker' would be exactly what I would need, and a bullet to the head if I'm being honest." he shakes his head, remembering what he describes as the worst time in his life. Your hand boldly clasps over your mouth stifling a laugh at his dramatic expression.

He laughs, "I'm serious, though." His smile fades, "Those are seven years I can never get back." You flinch at the number, that's almost a decade. Calculations begin to roll around your head autonomously. "So-" You begin to say but he already knew where you were going with this.

"We met at 15, had Ryan at 21 unexpectedly, but no regrets of course, and broke up at 22, thank god." Releasing a calming breath of air as he says that last part, clearly they didn't end on good terms if he feels so at peace every time he mentions her absence.

"But that's enough about me for the day. How's your apartment? Any updates on the power?" You shake your head, digging back into your food, "Hopefully it should be fixed by tonight, I'd hate to over stay my welcome." Jungkook rolls his eyes, "You know I want you here more than anything, and I'm not letting you go back to your place until things are up and running again."

You didn't bother fighting him on it, you knew it would be you fighting a losing battle so you let him have it.

It would be a lie to say that you didn't enjoy your lazy Saturday with Jungkook, the two of you lounged around the house talking the day away. You watched breaking bad and kept saying that you had to stop to do some schedule planning for the kids but you couldn't seem to leave the couch, or his arms. "Just one more episode" becoming a meaningless statement.

He was seriously invested in your stories from your travels in Europe over the summer, expressing how he dreams to visit one day.

Time seemed to have zoomed for the next 3 hours, now bringing you to a dark sky and the crackling fireplace keeping you warm as you played a childish round of truth or drink.

The two of you sat comfortably on the carpet with the game cards stacked neatly on the coffee table which was also responsible for holding your shot glasses.

Your chest was already warm from the consequences of three passed questions while Jungkook only had passed two.

"Your turn," your voice bubbly and excited as you pick up the card for Jungkook, flipping it over to ask him. "What's something you've never told anyone?" He sits there, and you can see he really thinks about it. Glancing back and forth between the shot glass and the card in your hand.

"I'm a millionaire." He says it so casually, with a bit of booze in your brain you begin to die of laughter. "Yeah, me too." You snicker, slwoly beginning to quiet down as you realize he wasn't laughing with you.

"Oh my god, are you being serious?" He shrugs, "I guess so. Remember when I said I was going through a lot of shit a year ago? Well part of that stems from me getting some cryptic ass letter that basically announced the death of some rich guy who claimed to be my biological father and left me his inheritance."

You sit there quietly, "I showed my parents the letter as a gag, expecting to get a good laugh out of it and that turned out to be one of the most depressing conversations I'd ever endured." Jungkook honestly wasn't sure why he was telling you all this, he'd told you things today he never thought he'd share with anyone but there was something that let him feel like he could be open with you.

"So you're telling me, you found out you were adopted and suddenly a millionaire on the same day." A slow nodding of his head was all it took for you to see he clearly wasn't thrilled about it. "I still haven't touched the money, really. Although I did use it to cover my parents' mortgage for the next few years. I don't really know what to do with the rest of it."

A small hum escapes your throat as you ponder, "If you ever feel like it's a burden to you, don't hesitate to just pass it on to me. It'll be hard but I'm sure I could think of something to do with it." His head falls back as his body shakes slightly with his laughter, "I'll keep that in mind."

"Your turn," He says, hands reaching to flip over a card as he reads it out to you. "How many people have you slept with?" He makes a certain face at the card as if he was displeased. "This is a bit invasive, do you want me to pick up another one?" You shrug, "I don't mind answering. It's one."

"Like one this year?" It slips out before he can catch it, and he regrets it, you can tell. "No. Just one person, ever. My ex. I'm not really one to have any sexcapades. I have a rule." You're sure if he had bunny ears, one would flop up in curiosity. "Oh?"

"I never go all the way with someone until at least six months of dating them so I can see that they're all in for the right reasons. hence why only one has made it so far. Everyone else usually thinks they can like persuade me three months in." Suddenly your throat felt like it was lined with sandpaper. "Is that a deal breaker for you?" Intently you watched the way he played with the ring hooped in his bottom lip with a serious expression.

"Are you saying we're dating, Y/n?" A teasing smirk spreads across his lips. You look away, unable to handle the intensity of his gaze on your from a mere foot away. "If that's okay with you-" A gentle hand cups your jaw as he turns you to face him, taking your breath away with a sweet kiss. His lips were as soft as you remembered them to be.

You could feel a certain shift in the kiss, turning from gentle and sweet to something a little deeper. It were as though there were magnets between your bodies, you found yourselves impossibly close to the point Jungkook forced himself to pull away from you, only to welcome you to straddle his hips.

"I'm okay with that." he grins before resuming his passionate attack on your lips.

2:04am

Your glasses were on and your hair was up, that was a sign that it was time for you to finally go to sleep yet here you were. Sitting up at the table with a stack of files you'd brought from your place that you needed to go through.

The border around your eyes were tinted red as you strained to stay up and finish, but you weren't even close.

"You're still up?" Jungkook says softly as he comes down in nothing but his black sweatpants. "I could ask you the same thing." Hardly sparing him a glance as you write down numbers onto the papers.

"You know I don't sleep much ever since I got my prescription. I can get 3-4 hours at night if I'm lucky." You frown, finally looking up at him, proud of yourself for not letting your jaw hit the floor as you patrolled him as he went to fill a glass of water from the fridge.

You knew he had a sleeve of tattoos, it was one of the first things you'd noticed about him, but you had no idea his back had its own art as well. The sleeve of tattoos that creeped over the back of his shoulder as it morphed into the most beautiful pair of inked angel wings that spread out across the expanse of his upper back.

You swallowed, shaking away your filthy thoughts. "What's got you up so late?" He leans over you to get a glimpse at the papers. "Regulatory compliances." It was so cute when he was confused. "Basically I have to cross reference the curriculum with our lesson plans and report that everything we're doing is aligned with the boards' outline." It dawns on him in the form of a soft 'ah'.

"When does this have to be done by?"

"Wednesday," It comes out with a rough tone and exhausted groan, you were clearly stressed. "Okay, Y/n, it's only Sunday. How about you put a pin in it and get some rest, hm?" Warm hands are placed on your shoulders and you nearly fall asleep right there but you shake your head, "I'm fine, I can keep going-" You yawn for what must be the 4th time since Jungkook came down.

"Okay, That's it. Come on, we're going to bed." He closes your files and takes your hand, letting you hop out of the chair and follow him up the steps debatably against your will as you're sure you would've given up no longer than 15 minutes later.

The moment your head hit the pillow, you were out like a light. Jungkook chuckles to himself softly at the thought that you truly tried to argue that you weren't tired.

He slips in beside you, loving the way your body naturally detected him and began to roll over towards him just like you did the night before, slotting yourself into his side. Once again, your warmth and the soft feeling of your heartbeat on his ribcage mixing together, prompting his brain to release enough melatonin until his eyes closed.

-

"Good news." Is the first thing you say as you walk into the living room at 2pm after your well needed shower. "The power is working again at my place," Jungkook pouts at what he took as bad news, he was not-so-secretly hoping you would be staying a little longer.

"Don't look so sad, you see me literally every day." the dimple in your right cheek making a brief appearance as you smiled, making your way over to him on the couch.

"I know, but I really like having you here." You poke his cheeks that puffed up with his sad expression. "If you want to see me a little longer, then would you be okay with giving me a ride back to my place?"

He scoffs, "It's funny you thought I wasn't going to drop you off in the first place." he leans forward to drop a quick peck to your lips catching you off guard before bouncing up out of his spot, hardly giving you a chance to process.

The two of you making comfortable conversation with small giggles as you begin to put your jackets on, preparing to return you back to your apartment. Tugging your hat on with a firm pull before you picked up your bag and declared that you were ready to go.

Jungkook opened the door, stepping out with you closely behind him. Not sure if your eyes were blinded by the gleaming light that was reflected off the snow or the bright flashes of light emitted from the dozens of paparazzi camped outside the driveway.

Jungkook's name was shouted from various different people as they waved to get his attention as if being outside his front door wasn't alarming enough. Jungkook's face had been covered in disbelief just like yours, but differently he was able to shake it off and maintain his composure.

Taking your hand in a reassuring manner, he continued his path down the steps, whispering to you to keep your head down as you followed behind him. "Is it true that you're the secret son of the late business tycoon Jeon Jaehoon?" The woman holds a microphone to Jungkook, looking for an answer, and she most certainly got one.

"How about you ask me again when I make sure you're all behind bars for trespassing and harassment hm? How does that sound?" The flashes finally stop and some photographers begin to leave, Jungkook doesn't even wait for them all to leave, trusting that he got his point across clearly and makes his way to the drivers seat.

Once the doors closed it was as though you'd trapped in a foot deep layer or tension within it. Jungkook's chest rises slowly, flared nostrils and tensed brows before a slow and agitated exhaled. "It wasn't you right?" He asks.

Your posture straightens as you face him.

"What?"

"Tell me that it's all just a coincidence, Y/n. I tell you about the inheritance last night and suddenly there's paparazzi buzzing outside my house today?" Your head juts back, offended. "Are you implying that I told someone what you told me in confidence last night? Are you being serious right now?"

"I'm paranoid, okay? I'm sorry."

You sigh. As pissed as you wanted to be, you had to see it from his perspective. A swarm of paparazzi showing up less than than 24 hours after he shares the information with the first person outside his family doesn't exactly work in your favour.

"It's fine, I get it. I'd be paranoid too." He starts the car, leaving his now vacated lot behind. "Then who would do this?"

"Your guess is as good as mine."

-

The following day was as hectic as any other day but you loved your job. Working with such big personalities that were bursting out their small bodies.

But you did love the end of the day too, sayin goodbye and mentally preparing for some relaxation when you finally got home. All day you'd be fantasizing about drawing a nice warm bath with eucalyptus and lavender oils.

You thought of it as the perfect way to wind down after a long day. Although seeing Jungkook's face for a few minutes while he picked up Ryan.

"I'm here to pick up my son." You turn around with a smile, to the new and unfamiliar face. She was tall with dark long locks that were curled at the ends, her heels were high and her face was looked like it belonged billboards and magazines.

You were a bit confused, you'd never seen her before, and you're sure you'd remember someone that brought in such a domineering aura the way she did.

"Sure, if you don't mind me asking who you are." You wanted to remain as polite as possible not wanting to offend her.

"I'm Ryan's mother."

Tags; @talyaaas-blog, @chaconnelatte, @tokkiggukie, @skzthinker, @fangirls94, @xumyboo, @sugakookie132, @katsels, @appleh4ad, @cassies-cookies, @cassies-cookies, @bangtans-momma, @kissyfacekoo, @coralmusicblaze, @busanbby-jjk, @hrndez2008, @looneybleus, @gimeow, @jungkookslittlecarrothoe, @aiselle90210, @jungkookieeee97, @aloverga, @lovelytaes-blog. @itstiredteenager0207, @keiarajm, @junecat18, @nellyboosworld, @imaginethatblog, @gyukookswhore, @chxnb97, @jeodoll, @parkinglot-nights, @jjk97091, @rahullhere, @chaewonsrealgf, @thehxoe, @lpgirl2324, @coconchanel, @minaamhh .

[starlightkun]

❧ word count: 26.1k ❧ genre: angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, paranormal/supernatural au, ghost!jisung ❧ warnings: mentions of death, prominent side character dies early in the fic, depictions of grieving, family member of the reader is sick (it’s dementia-like, though the disease is never named in the fic), family tension/drama (reader has some family members that are not very nice to her), reader has some sleep/physical health issues at one point, reader is just really going through it in this fic for a while ❧ extra info: the reader’s mom in this has early-onset memory issues; i didn’t name a specific disease because im not a medical expert of any kind and didn’t want to misrepresent any real-life illness in this fic. i combined both my own experiences with my own family members who have had these kinds of illnesses and some research, but i am not an expert and the representation in this fic may not be entirely accurate! ❧ author’s note: i don’t think i’ve done a spooky fic like this before? but this one was super fun! also i will say it takes a little bit for jisung to show up, so please be patient when you don’t see him in the first few scenes, he’ll be there, i promise! ❧ sequel

That night, the rain was still pounding against the windows. Your mom had gone to bed a while ago, but your mind was restless. Something had happened again as you were helping your mom get ready for bed. Your stepdad’s reading glasses, which were on the nightstand on his side of their bed, as they had been since he passed, had fallen off with seemingly no rhyme or reason. Not wanting your mom to get spooked about the house again, you reassured her that you had just bumped into the furniture—her back was turned when they fell—but it left you with an uneasy feeling.

“Hi, Hyukjun.” You picked up the phone call from your stepdad as you headed back towards your office building from the restaurant you’d taken your lunch break at.

“Hi, sweetheart. How are you?” His warm, familiar voice was on the other end as always, though there was something different about it, something you couldn’t quite put your finger on from the quality of your phone speaker. Your steps slowed thoughtfully as you listened more attentively, a pit growing in your stomach.

“I’m good,” you answered shortly, suspicion creeping over you. “How are you two?”

It wasn’t that you didn’t appreciate hearing from your stepdad, you were on good terms with him. Your father passed when you were a little girl, and your mom continued to raise you on her own, not even considering any romantic prospects until you graduated high school. She and Hyukjun only dated for six months before marrying and had been happily married since. Hyukjun was a mild-mannered divorcee with three adult sons of his own, all of whom were at least a decade older than you, and none of which you were exceptionally close with. When your mom had been diagnosed only five years into their marriage, he began taking care of her—no question and no complaints. With her condition, you were fairly certain that you visited them more than Hyukjun’s own kids did, despite all of them living nearby to your knowledge.

He at least didn’t beat around the bush anymore. “She’s getting worse, Y/N.”

“How bad?”

“She thinks the house is haunted,” he admitted. “And I…”

“What?” You prompted him.

“She’s been asking for you. I know you’re busy, but if you could visit soon, I think it’d really help her.”

“Yeah, I have some time this weekend,” you agreed immediately. “I’ll be there.”

“Thanks.”

You were arriving at the building then, slowing to a stop outside as you prepared to hang up. “My break is ending, Hyukjun, I’ve got to go.”

“Of course,” he acquiesced. “Hey, I love you.”

“I love you too.” You looked up at the gray storm clouds gathering in the sky above you. “And tell Mom I love her, and I’ll be there soon.”

“I will. Have a good rest of your day at work, sweetheart.”

“Right. Bye.”

When your mom and Hyukjun got married, you already had a lease on a small place closer to your job in the city, so your mom sold your childhood home and moved in with Hyukjun. Despite the small twinge of sadness at her selling your childhood home, the place where you, your mom, and dad had all been together, you were happy that she was no longer there by herself. Their home was a quaint two-story, two-bedroom townhome, with well-tended flowerbeds and a porch swing out front. A long time ago, you knew that this house had been your stepbrothers’ childhood home, the three of them sharing what was now the guest room, Hyukjun and his ex-wife occupying the primary bedroom that was now his and your mother’s. Hyukjun had been divorced for many years before he met your mom, you didn’t know the exact number off the top of your head—you weren’t sure if you had ever been told.

The snapdragons were in bloom, stalks of purples and blues and pinks, and you squatted down next to one. Feeling a bit like a child, you gently squeezed the sides of one flower to make the “mouth” of the dragon open, like Hyukjun had shown you one of the first times you’d met, the very first time you ever went to his house. The front door opened, and you looked up to see your stepdad stepping out of the house. You stood up, walking up the three short steps from the sidewalk to meet him on their porch.

“I saw you coming up the street,” he explained, gesturing to the front window. “It’s good to see you, Y/N.”

“Hi, Hyukjun.” You hugged him. “Good to see you too.”

“I just wanted to give you a heads up. She’s calm, but she’s not exactly… here,” he explained. “I didn’t want you to be caught off-guard.”

You nodded in understanding. “Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”

Following your stepdad into the house, he guided you towards the living room at the back of the house.

“Hon?” He poked his head into the living room.

Your mom looked up from where she had been reading a book in an armchair, her face breaking into a gentle smile. “Oh, Sangwoo, you’re back.”

“Yes, I picked Y/N up, just like you asked.” Your stepdad stepped aside to let her see you.

You pushed aside the alarms going off in your mind to give your mother as calm of a smile as you could, approaching her with your hand outstretched. “Hi, Mom, it’s Y/N.”

“Y/N, hi, sweetie.” She beamed at you, taking your hand that was offered and squeezing it tight. “How was school?”

“It was good, I had a good day,” you answered brightly. Looking down at the book in her lap, you asked, “What are you reading?”

Your mother had been a Literature teacher for all her life, before her diagnosis forced her to retire many years before she ever wanted to. She would read to you at any opportunity when you were a kid, especially at bedtime. It was always easiest to get her talking now about whatever book she was reading, no matter where her mind was.

“Oh, I’ll tell you about it later. First, do you have homework?”

“No, Mom, nothing today.”

Hyukjun cleared his throat then. “You must be hungry, Y/N. Would you like something to eat?”

“Yes, yes, go get a snack.” Your mother insisted.

“Okay,” you acquiesced, giving her hand another tight squeeze. “I’ll be right back after my snack. I want to hear about your book.”

In their kitchen, you turned on your stepdad with wide eyes. “She’s not just mixing up your names anymore, she thinks you are my dad!”

“Sometimes…” Hyukjun nodded, leaning against a kitchen counter. “Not always. She has her lucid days still.”

In the bright kitchen lighting, you could see a certain tiredness in Hyukjun that was new, a pallor in his skin, a hitch in his breaths, a lag in his movements, none of which used to be there.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, eyes locking on his. “With you? You were going to tell me something on the phone, and you didn’t. Tell me.”

He sighed, the sound dragging out into a wheeze and then a hacking cough that he covered in his elbow, and you winced just watching him. When he’d caught his breath again, he answered, “They found a tumor, in my lung. I have maybe six months, Y/N.”

“That’s it?!” You blurted out. “I-I mean, even with chemo, or radiation, or whatever?”

“I’m not—”

“It’s not treatable?”

He cast a sidelong glance down the hall, at the room where your mother was. “Someone needs to take care of her. I need to be here, and after I’m gone, our savings will go towards her care. We can’t spend it all on something that might give me another few months.”

“Another few months with her! With us!” You grabbed his arm, knowing how desperate you sounded. “What about your kids? Do they know what you’re doing?”

“No.” His voice was heavy, but determined. “I know you all don’t talk… but don’t tell them, please.”

His face wavered in your vision as your eyes filled with tears. You tried to swallow them down, but a couple spilled over. “Let me move in, and help. I want to take care of both of you. Please.”

“What about your job?”

“I’ll figure it out. Don’t worry about me. You’ve done enough for me, for us. Let me do something for you.”

“Thank you.”

Your work agreed to let you move into a part-time remote position. Most days you were able to get all your done, early even. Not only was Hyukjun there, but a memory care aide named Nayoung came by for an hour three days a week to assist as well.

It had been a month since you moved into the primary bedroom on the second floor, the bedroom that used to be your mom and stepdad’s. You found out that they moved their things into the guest room on the first floor two months ago, when your mom hurt herself on the stairs. It had only been a skinned knee, but Hyukjun didn’t want to risk something worse.

That night you laid in bed with your laptop open, desperately trying to finish up a report that was due the next day. Today had been rougher, your mom needing constant redirection and reorientation, not to mention the conversation that you had with your stepdad earlier this evening. Usually after your mom went to sleep, the two of you would watch a movie or a couple episodes of a show, or just have a drink and chat. It was a nice, slow, easy part of your day with just the two of you. But this time as you rooted around the for the fresh tub of ice cream that you had just bought from the store, and called to him over your shoulder asking if he wanted a bowl, you saw him waiting for you with papers in his hand.

One of the errands he’d sent you on today, in addition to groceries, the post office, and the pharmacy, had been to an attorney’s office. You’d known that, you weren’t stupid. There, you had been handed a large envelope with the law firm’s name embossed on it, and your stepdad’s name typed on a label under that. You didn’t inquire as to the contents of the envelope from the receptionist, nor your stepdad when you delivered it to him upon returning home. It was none of your business. But at the kitchen table that night, he showed you the documents that he had drawn up.

Once he passed, you would own his house, the one that you lived in now, as a life estate pur autre vie. For the life of another. Until your mother passed, you would own his house, and could stay here and take care of her. Then, once she passed, the house would go to his sons, your stepbrothers, as he’d always intended.

You sighed and deleted the sentence you’d just written. “Stupid, stupid,” you muttered to yourself. Looking at the time, you let out another sigh and rubbed your face in exasperation. “I’m never going to fucking finish this.”

Setting the laptop aside, you pushed your covers off yourself and got out of bed. Keeping your footsteps light, you crept downstairs and into the kitchen to get yourself a glass of water. After drinking a whole glass in the kitchen, you refilled it to bring it back up to bedroom with you. Halfway up the stairs, the sconce on the wall next to your head flickered on, making you pause. You’d left all the lights off on your way down. Peering behind the frosted glass cover, you reached your hand back there and tightened the bulb. The light stopped flickering, and you looked around at the empty, dark staircase again. Shrugging to yourself, you finished your journey to your room.

Cutting up your mom’s breakfast into small pieces, you hummed a song that had been stuck in your head. The sound of something clattering startled your peaceful reverie, and your head snapped up immediately. You darted around the kitchen counter to get your eyes on where your mom was sitting at the kitchen table.

“You okay, Mom?” You asked, eyes searching her for any signs of injury or distress.

“Oh, I’m fine, sweetie,” she reassured you, pointing at a point on the floor further away from her. You saw that a silver utensil was gleaming up from the tile. “I dropped my fork, that’s all.”

“I’ll grab you another one when I bring your food in, don’t worry about it,” you reassured her. “Leave it, I’ll pick it up in a sec.”

Returning to the kitchen, you finished cutting her food, then prepared yours and Hyukjun’s plates. Carrying all three of them in, along with your mom’s clean fork, you cocked your head when you saw the fork sitting on the closest edge of the table to the kitchen. Looking at Hyukjun, who had joined your mom at the table in the interim, you said, “You didn’t have to pick up the fork, Hyukjun, I was going to grab it.”

His face betrayed his momentary confusion, looking between the food you just set in front of him, then to the fork on the edge of the table. “That was there when I came in. I didn’t move it.”

As you set your mom’s food down for her, you asked, “Mom, did you get the fork?”

But her eyes had a familiar far-out appearance, and you knew she wasn’t going to be able to answer you. You shook your head at yourself, putting your own plate down and grabbing the dirty fork off the table. Dropping it in the kitchen sink, you then returned to the table to take your seat next to your mother and across from Hyukjun.

You weren’t sure why you were awake at first. Everything seemed quiet, but something didn’t feel right. Sitting up in bed, you checked the time on your phone. 2:48 a.m. You desperately wanted to go back to sleep, but you couldn’t shake the uneasiness in your mind, and so you pushed the covers off of you.

As soon as you were at the top of the stairs, you could hear voices downstairs, your mother’s and your stepdad’s. Your stepdad was clearly trying to keep his voice down, but your mom wasn’t, and she sounded distressed.

“Sangwoo, I’m telling you something’s wrong with this house! We need to go! Where’s Y/N?!” She demanded of him.

“She’s fine, she’s sleeping. Please, tell me what’s wrong with the house, and we can try to fix it,” he pleaded with her quietly.

You finally made it to the hallway just outside their bedroom, taking in the scene of your mom’s wild, scared eyes and Hyukjun’s desperate concern. “Mom, I’m here, I’m okay.”

“Y/N!” She let out a gasp of relief as soon as she saw you. “Oh, you’re okay.”

“Yes, Mom, I’m okay.” You offered her your hand, and she grabbed it tightly. “What’s wrong? Why are you up?”

“I’ve been trying to tell your dad—” She gestured to Hyukjun pointedly. “But this house isn’t right.”

“What do you mean?”

“It just isn’t right,” she repeated insistently. “What happened to our old house? We need to go back there!”

You looked at Hyukjun desperately, at a loss for words to explain that she sold it years ago. Thankfully, he took over.

“It’s late, hon. We can’t go all the way back to the old house this late at night, especially not with Y/N. It’s not safe,” he persuaded her gently.

She seemed to relax a little at this. “Oh. Right. It’s late.”

“Can you read me something, Mom?” You requested sweetly.

This finally brought a smile to her features, and she nodded, her grasp on your hand turning tender. “Oh, of course, Y/N. I’m sorry I woke you, sweetie.”

“It’s alright, Mom,” you reassured her, leading her back into their bedroom. “Everything’s alright.”

Hyukjun’s funeral was quaint. It was kept to family and close friends, and organized mostly by his sons and ex-wife. You didn’t mind, your mother was in no shape to organize a funeral, and you were more than happy to step aside and support her through this while they dealt with the details.

Today of all days was one of your mother’s better days, possibly one of the best that she’s had in a while, and you didn’t know if that was better or worse. Better, you decided, so she could say goodbye to him properly. After the small funeral was the wake, held at Hyukjun’s home—which was now your home, you realized—and was a more open-door affair. Your mom’s memory care aide, Nayoung, came as well, which you were glad for. While your stepbrothers and their mother played host more than you, greeting guests as they showed up, chatting and reminiscing with them about all their shared memories of Hyukjun from years or even decades ago, it was still your residence, and you couldn’t bring yourself to just stay in a corner. Hyukjun had been your family too, for however brief a period of your life.

You were alone in the kitchen getting refreshments for yourself, your mom, and Nayoung when you sensed that you weren’t by yourself. Turning around, you did in fact see your stepbrothers entering the kitchen, followed by their mother.

You offered them all a small, polite smile. “Hi.”

“Glad we caught you, Y/N,” the oldest brother flashed you a grin. “You got a sec?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“We know it must be really tough for you, taking care of your mom by yourself now,” their mother said, her voice coated in an over-the-top sugary sweet sympathy.

You shrugged noncommittally. “Nayoung helps.”

The youngest jumped in, “We just wanted you to know that you and your mom can take as much time as you need to move out.”

“Of course, of course,” their mother agreed. “You know, a week or two.”

They all nodded and murmured in agreement, focusing the same overeager, empty, sympathetic faces on you that made you feel like you were surrounded by some kind of predator that wanted to empathize you to death. Steeling your nerves, you met all of their eyes in turn as you went to answer.

“We’re not moving out.” You informed them firmly. “Hyukjun left the house to me to keep taking care of my mom. After… it’s all yours.”

“And we’re supposed to believe you’ll just give it to us?” The youngest scoffed, immediately dropping his kind, caring act. All of their faces were somewhere between disbelief and anger.

“No, he set it up that way. You can get your copies of the papers from his attorney, Mr. Shin.” You brought out the business card for the attorney who drafted the papers. You’d tucked it into your wallet absentmindedly when it’d been given to you on your initial errand from Hyukjun, and you were glad you hadn’t had the time to clean out your wallet since. You set the business card down on the counter between you.

The oldest snatched up the card. “There’s no way…”

“We’re going to fight this. No way the house is yours,” the youngest swore.

The middle son spoke finally, his gaze hard as he glared at you. He practically snarled, “You’re not his family, you’ve never been.”

“It was good seeing you all again,” you said, no emotion in your voice. Abandoning your three glasses, you scooted around the counter, then around them, heading towards the kitchen door that they had been blocking the whole time. “Please have all communications about the property go through Mr. Shin. He’ll be able to answer your questions better than I can.”

Crying at a wake was normal. Encouraged even. But you weren’t amongst loved ones, remembering someone you’d lost. You were alone, sitting at the top of the stairs in the dark, crying into your arms to muffle your sobs as you tried to compose yourself from the confrontation you’d just survived. Barely. Your hands were balled into fists to keep them from shaking.

“Are you okay?” A quiet voice caught your attention, gentle, then hushed as he seemed to be speaking to himself, “Why are you asking that? Stupid, stupid.”

You picked your head up out of your arms, quickly wiping the tears that had been streaming down your cheeks as you spotted a young man at the bottom of the stairs. He had dark hair and was dressed in a pair of black pants, a white shirt, and what looked like a black cardigan over the shirt. You didn’t recognize him from the wake, but you hadn’t greeted everyone, nor did you know all the mourners personally. Many were either family friends of Hyukjun’s from before he met your mother, old colleagues, or distant relations.

Sniffling and trying to right your clothes, you offered him as much of a smile you could muster, “I’m sorry, it’s uhm, been a long day.”

He froze, his eyes locking on yours and going wide. The man looked behind him, as if expecting you to have been addressing somebody else, and upon seeing an empty hallway, he turned back to you and hesitantly replied, “That’s… okay. Are you alright?”

“Oh, as alright as I can be, I suppose,” you admitted, dabbing at your eyes with your sleeve again. You weren’t sure why you were telling this random man that, but he had spotted you sobbing at a wake, so there wasn’t much of a point in covering that fact up. “Were you looking for the bathroom or…?”

“No, just stretching my legs.” He pushed his hands into the pockets of his cardigan. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you.” You nodded. “I don’t think I saw you at the funeral. How did you know my stepdad? Family friend?”

“Yeah, I was around when his kids were growing up.”

“Oh, are you a childhood friend of his sons or something?”

“Friend is a stretch, I think,” he chuckled.

You couldn’t help but laugh bitterly as well, adding a polite but hollow, “I’m sure they appreciate you coming out to pay your respects.”

As he shifted on his feet, the shadows on his face lessened, letting you see his features better. You furrowed your brow with interest.

“How old are you? I mean—You don’t look older than me, you must’ve been much younger than them growing up.”

“I-I mean, we weren’t very close,” he stammered, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

Feeling bad about putting him on the spot in this sort of scenario, you offered him a sympathetic smile. “Sorry, I didn’t mean anything by that. I didn’t grow up with my stepbrothers, so I guess it’s a bit hard for me to imagine them having friends—Oh!”

As soon as the words were out of your mouth, you slapped a hand over it, wishing you hadn’t said them, especially not to some stranger, who for all you know could turn right around and repeat it to your stepbrothers. That would be the last thing you needed, to give them another reason to hate you, and by extension, your mother.

“That didn’t come out right!” You desperately tried to backpedal, holding your hands out in front of you. “I-I meant that I haven’t met a lot of their friends, since our parents got together later in life, and—”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he reassured you calmly, taking a couple hesitant steps up the stairs. You scooted over to make room for him to sit next to you on the top step. He pressed himself against the banister, leaving plenty of space between you two. “I didn’t mean to, but I heard some of what they said to you in the kitchen.”

“I would normally be upset at you for eavesdropping, but I’m kind of glad that somebody else heard some of the shit they said to me this time,” you chuckled cynically.

“‘This time?’” He repeated questioningly. “Are they always like that to you?”

“I don’t see them that often. I think the first time I met the middle son was at the wedding, actually,” you said. “They started spending more holidays with their mom instead of Hyukjun when my mom… after her diagnosis.”

“Oh.”

“God, sorry, you don’t need to be hearing all this shit.” You shook your head at yourself. “I mean, I don’t even know your name.”

“I’m Jisung.”

“Y/N.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s true. You and your mom are his family, too.”

You messed with the sleeves of your shirt as you stared at the bottom step, gnawing on your bottom lip, ignoring the metallic taste of blood when you broke skin. Finally, once you’d swallowed down the lump in your throat, you replied with a tight, “Thanks. And I mean, I understand why they would be upset. Their dad just died and two people who are essentially strangers to them are now living in their childhood home. Of course they feel weird about it.”

“That’s... gracious.”

“It’s true. And like I said, their dad died, they deserve some grace.” From elsewhere in the house, you could hear your mom calling your name, and immediately jumped to your feet. “Sorry, I’ve got to go.”

“I understand.” Jisung nodded to you. “It was nice talking to you, Y/N.”

“Yeah, you too. Thanks for listening, Jisung.” You waved to him over your shoulder as you rushed down the stairs and off in the direction of your mother’s voice.

The next day, you had habitually started preparing three plates of breakfast before you caught yourself. In the first couple days after his passing, it was painfully in the foreground of your mind with everything you did, but this was the first time you’d found yourself going about a daily task and it had slipped your mind. You left the full plate of food in the kitchen to clean up later, and took just yours and your mom’s plates to the kitchen table.

“Do you want to go on a walk after breakfast?” You proposed as you ate.

It was something that Hyukjun and your mom did every morning. Sometimes you joined them, but usually you took the opportunity to clean up around the house or get work done in the quiet. Your mother had no trouble ambulating, it was her mind that was going faster than anything else. With Hyukjun no longer here to walk with her, you didn’t want her to lose that precious time going out, or the exercise. Not to mention, you needed to get out of the house again.

“Oh, I’d love to, sweetie,” she agreed with a smile, one that you noticed didn’t reach her eyes.

“After we’re done, I’ll clean up while you get ready.”

As you scooped the extra food into a plastic container at the end of breakfast, you realized the lid that you’d grabbed was the wrong size. Opening the cabinet that contained all the plastic containers, you squatted down with a sigh, mentally preparing yourself to ransack through the absolute mess that greeted you down there. Hyukjun normally kept it meticulously organized, all containers accompanied by their proper lids, but in your rush to clean up after everyone left the wake late last night, you had effectively ruined all of it.

You tried to just look under a haphazard stack of plastic containers, and they of course all came crashing out onto the kitchen floor. You groaned, plopping down onto your butt as you got ready to have to put them all back. But as you went to pick up the first one, an overwhelming, crushing feeling of loneliness and sorrow hit you like a bus, and you covered your face as you started sobbing. The hot tears stung your eyes, every shaking breath you took hurt your chest, and even the task of putting the tupperware back seemed impossible and monumental now.

Rubbing one of your eyes, you inhaled and forced yourself to grab just one container to put back. “Come on, don’t have time for this.”

Slowly, you put the containers away, until there was one lid left that had slid much further away from you. You crawled over to it, realizing the shape seemed familiar as you held it in your hands. Standing back up, you fitted it over the container of leftovers you had perfectly.

“Huh.” Your sobs petered out as you looked down at it curiously. “That could’ve been easier.”

Throwing open the front door, you grunted as you hauled your heavy grocery bags into the home.

“Y/N? Is that you?” Nayoung’s voice called out. She had increased the frequency and duration of her visits since Hyukjun’s passing, and today you took the opportunity to do some much-needed restocking of the kitchen during her stay.

“Yeah!” You yelled back.

“Do you need any help?”

“No, I’m fine!” You hopped on one foot as you tried to wedge your other foot behind the door to close it. “Just—Shit!”

The door suddenly came loose, slamming closed even harder than you had opened it. Nayoung came around the corner with wide eyes, looking rather startled.

“Is everything okay?” She asked, taking a couple bags from your hands, looking you over inquisitively.

You looked between your still-raised foot and the door, a bit dumbfounded. You swore you hadn’t kicked it that hard. This wasn’t actually your house, after all.

“Yeah, Nayoung, I’m okay,” you reassured her, leading the way into the kitchen. “Do you have a window open? There must be a cross-breeze or something.”

“No, I don’t think so.”

It was pouring rain outside, the sky dull and gray, occasionally lit up with flashes of lightning. The constant pounding downpour was interspersed with cracks of thunder that would rattle frames on the walls. The weather was so bad that Nayoung couldn’t even make it out, leaving just you and your mom all day. It wasn’t so bad, today was a better day for her. She was calm at least, despite the weather, absorbed in her books for most of the day. Maybe a little too absorbed, as it was hard to tear her away for meals or snacks. But you could get your work done and do chores around the house uninterrupted, and once you finished your own to-do list, you were able to sit down in the living room with her and read as well.

After a particularly bright flash of lightning, followed by a boom of thunder that made you feel like you were in a low-level earthquake rather than a thunderstorm, the lights went out entirely. You heard the telltale clatter of your mom dropping her book in surprise as she gasped.

“Mom?” You called out to her, both to check on her and so she knew that you were still there.

“I’m okay, sweetie,” she promised. “I just got startled and dropped my book.”

“Stay there,” you directed her, pulling out your phone and turning on your flashlight. You could see that her book had skidded some distance away from her, out of arm’s reach. “I’ll check the breaker. Don’t get up, I don’t want you tripping over anything.”

“Alright. Be safe.”

Opening the utility closet in the laundry room, you threw your hands up in exasperation as you looked over the circuit breaker. You had no fucking clue what you were doing. Right as you had turned on your phone, fully intent on searching the internet for what the fuck you were supposed to do now, the power came back on all on its own.

“Well, there we go!” You called out through the house, starting back towards your mom. “I’m a genius!”

Upon your return to the living room, you stopped when you noticed one key difference: The book was no longer on the floor. It was on the side table next to your mom. There was no way your mom could’ve moved fast enough to have gotten the book and then sat back down in the time since the lights turned back on.

You sighed gently. “I told you not to get up, Mom.”

“I didn’t.”

“Then how’d the book get there?” You pointed to the book knowingly.

“I didn’t—” She looked at it curiously, then at where it used to be on the floor. “Oh… I guess I must’ve… Sorry, sweetie.”

You walked over to rest a hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay, Mom. I’m sorry if I seemed upset with you. I just don’t want you getting hurt.”

She patted your hand. “I know, Y/N. You’re doing a good job.”

The rain was still pounding against the windows that night. Your mom had gone to bed a while ago, but your mind was restless. Something had happened again as you were helping your mom get ready for bed. Hyukjun’s reading glasses, which were on the nightstand on his side of their bed, as they had been since he passed, had fallen off with seemingly no rhyme or reason. Not wanting your mom to get spooked about the house again, you reassured her that you had just bumped into the furniture—her back was turned when they fell—but it left you with an uneasy feeling.

You’d pocketed the glasses instead of replacing them on the nightstand, and were staring at them on the kitchen counter now, fondly remembering the way he used to peer at you over the lenses as he read the newspaper in the morning and you made sarcastic quips about whatever headlines were on the pages facing you.

“Hyukjun?” You said his name into the empty air, uncertainty making your voice waver. After a beat of silence, you hissed, “Of course you weren’t going to get a reply, stupid, stupid.”

Trying to gather yourself, you moved to open the freezer, securing the tub of ice cream from inside it. Sitting at the kitchen table with two spoons, you set one in front of Hyukjun’s spot across from you. Glumly spooning some ice cream into your mouth, you barely tasted it as you stared at his empty chair.

“I miss you,” you said softly, not expecting an answer this time. “A lot. It’s not fair. I know that’s what your sons think, it’s not fair that it was you and not her. But… it’s not fair that we only got… so little time with you.”

You sniffled against the oncoming tears, eating another spoonful.

“I wish… I wish my mom had met you earlier, I wish you didn’t leave us so soon, I wish we got more time…” You looked down at the tub in front of you, your appetite gone. “And I wish I wasn’t eating your favorite ice cream by myself.”

You stood back up, taking both spoons with you into the kitchen. Dropping them into the sink to deal with in the morning, you put the ice cream away and shut off the kitchen lights. You left his glasses on the kitchen counter, deciding you would put them back in your mother’s room tomorrow. As you headed up the stairs, you paused at the top step, a memory of Hyukjun’s wake coming back to you. The nice guy who sat with you and listened to you. You really wished you could have somebody to talk to again.

Something in you made you look over your shoulder then, back down at the bottom step. You swore a darker shape was standing there, unclear in the night. Your heart rate spiked.

“Hyukjun…?” You whispered, hesitantly going down one more step to try to make out what you were seeing better. The shadow seemed to back up one step at the same time you did that, and another name came to your mind.

“Jisung?”

The figure moved closer, a beam of moonlight illuminating half of his shocked face. “You remember me?”

You should’ve yelled. You should’ve shouted at him to get out, called the police, any number of things ahead of what you actually did. Getting even closer, you nodded slowly. “Of course I remember you, Jisung.”

He was still staring at you in disbelief. “And you can see me? Again?”

“Yes,” you confirmed, standing on the step right above him. “You’re a ghost.”

It was meant to be a question, but it came out like a statement, like you had known all along, just saying common knowledge.

He swallowed. “Yes.”

You peered at the space around and behind him. “Is my stepdad here?”

“No.” He shook his head. “He wanted to stay, for your mom. I told him if he stayed, he could get stuck. He decided to go.”

“Go… where?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted.

“What about…” You looked up into his dark eyes hopefully. “Is my dad here?”

“It’s just me,” he answered quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m glad he’s not… stuck. Either of them.” You breathed out, a mixture of relief and disappointment in your chest. Remembering what he told you at the wake, you asked, “You used to live here?”

“Before your stepdad bought it, yeah.”

You recalled the surprise on his face both tonight and at the wake when you addressed him. “You’re not used to being seen, are you?”

“No, I’m not. You’re the first person who’s seen me since…” He trailed off, biting the inside of his cheek as he seemed to be picking his words. “Since I’ve been like this.”

You nodded slowly, understanding what he meant. “Have you been… helping? Picking up my mom’s book? And closing the door? And the tupperware lid and the fork?”

Jisung nodded fervently. “I didn’t mean to scare you, or make you sad. I’m sorry. I just wanted to help you.”

“What about Hyukjun’s glasses today? Did you knock those off?”

He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “It was an accident… They were really close to the edge, I didn’t want them to fall off and break. So I tried to move them away from the edge, but there was this thunder, and I dropped them.”

You couldn’t help but burst into laughter at the mental image of a ghost getting spooked by thunder, slapping a hand over your mouth as you giggled. Jisung wasn’t laughing, but he did have a soft smile on his features as he looked at you.

“Sorry, sorry,” you were still chuckling as you tried to compose yourself.

“It’s okay…” He assured you. “I’m sorry for dropping them.”

“You didn’t break them, it’s fine.” You looked at him thoughtfully. He was wearing the same thing he was wearing when you met him at the wake, dark pants, dark shoes, a white button-up, and dark cardigan. You tilted your head curiously. “Are you sure my mom hasn’t seen you? She swears the house is haunted, you know.”

“I think she can tell that something is… off, sometimes. But no, she’s never seen me.”

“I’m guessing you have no clue why I can see you right now?” You surmised. “They don’t exactly give you a ghost handbook, do they?”

Jisung shook his head. “No, I don’t know.”

“Thank you again, by the way. For being so nice to me at the wake.”

“They really shouldn’t have been talking to you like that.” He frowned. “They have no clue… He loved you and your mom so much. You two are his family, too.”

You chuckled sadly. “So did you actually hear all of it, then?”

“I was already in there when they went in after you,” he confirmed. “I thought you might… I could create a distraction in another room if it got bad.”

“Do you do that a lot? Follow me around?”

His eyes widened as he clearly began to panic, shaking his head fervently. “N-Not like that! Only like, in normal places! I mean, like, there’s not a lot to do when you’re a ghost stuck in a house, and I think you’re cool—Oh god, I meant, uhm, I mostly stay on the first floor, promise!”

You couldn’t help but giggle again as he had missed the light teasing in your tone. “Mostly?”

Jisung visibly gulped. “I woke you up one time, when your mom was having a really bad time in the middle of the night and your stepdad couldn’t calm her down. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”

“Jisung, it’s okay,” you tried your best to be reassuring, even as you let out choked laughter. “I don’t expect you to sit in a corner for eternity. Thanks for staying in normal places.”

“Thanks for not being creeped out…” He muttered, rubbing the back of his neck.

You let out a yawn, covering your mouth with your hand. After it passed, you gave Jisung a sheepish smile. “If I go to sleep right now… will I still be able to see you in the morning?”

“You… want to?”

“Yeah.” You smiled and shrugged. “Better than just talking to my mother, Nayoung, and myself like I usually do every day.”

The corners of his lips twitched as he went to nod. “I’ll try to be here in the morning. You should go to sleep.”

“Alright. Goodnight, Jisung.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

Halfway up the stairs, you turned back around to see him still standing at the bottom, watching you. You threw back a teasing, “Promise you’ll stay on the first floor?”

“Cross my heart.” He made an X over the left side of his chest.

“Not sure how much that’s worth coming from a ghost,” you grinned. “But I guess it’s the thought that counts.”

In the morning, you sat with your feet dangling over the edge of your bed for an extra few seconds, very calmly contemplating your sanity. You had been spending the majority of your time in this house, talking to nobody else except your mother and Nayoung, who came five days a week for three hours at a time, your only other regular human interaction coming in the form of emails or the occasional phone calls with your co-workers. Was it really so unlikely that your brain was inventing someone new for you to talk to? How could you even determine if he was real or not? Did that even really matter?

With a sigh, you got to your feet and shuffled into your bathroom. Your mom had always been an early riser, something that hadn’t changed now, and you had to take care of your own morning routine before she woke up. While the shift in your schedule initially took some getting used to, the daily alone time that you got to devote to your own self-care was something you treasured, and helped you start your day in a good headspace.

Coming out of your bedroom refreshed and in clean clothes, you meandered down the stairs, listening for any signs of life in the rest of the house. If your mom was up, she would at least be moving around her room, if not elsewhere in the house. And then there was the possibility of seeing the ghost again.

Right as you reached the bottom of the stairs, your mom’s bedroom door opened, and she poked her head out. You smiled and walked over to her.

“Morning, Mom.”

“Hi, sweetie.” She took your arm, looking around the hallway.

“You okay?”

“Did he go out?”

You tilted your head, keeping your tone light as you asked, “…He?”

“Hyukjun,” she answered. “He usually leaves a note.”

You bit your lip and nodded. “Yeah, he had some errands, said he’ll be back soon. You can get on him about forgetting your note when he gets back.”

Her features relaxed, and she rubbed your back. “Thanks, Y/N. Don’t know what we’d do without you.”

There was a knock on the front door then, and you went to go open it up for Nayoung. As she helped your mom with the rest of her morning, you headed towards the kitchen to start on breakfast. A figure was already at the kitchen table, however, his back to you as he sat in the fourth chair that had always been empty for as long as you’d been in the house. Jisung turned around when he heard your footsteps, giving you a small wave.

“Morning,” you smiled and nodded, hoping you didn’t look too put-off. You weren’t sure if you would’ve been more surprised if he was here or not.

“Good morning.” His eyes followed you as you continued into the kitchen. From his seat, he could still see you over the kitchen counter. His hands were folded politely in his lap, and he watched you as you started pulling out ingredients for breakfast.

“So, what do you do all night?” You questioned. “Do you sleep?”

“Sometimes. Sometimes I read, or look at the moon, or think.”

“I think I’d hate being alone with my thoughts for eternity.” You shook your head, bringing down plates from the cabinet.

“It’s not so bad.” Jisung shrugged. “I wasn’t much of a talker before anyway.”

“An introvert?”

“Yes.” He tilted his head curiously. “You don’t normally cook for Nayoung.”

You looked down at the plates in your hand and realized that you had grabbed three instead of the normal two. Nayoung always ate breakfast before coming over, so you just had to make food for you and your mom. You’d done this before, accidentally making a serving for Hyukjun out of habit, but you knew that wasn’t what happened this time.

Putting the extra plate back, you said, “No, I was… I think I was about to make you a plate. Felt like I had a guest over.”

Surprisingly, this made Jisung crack a smile. “I appreciate it. Your food always looks good.”

“I don’t think it’s anything special.” You shrugged, turning on the stove. “I learned to cook from my mother, we just did it to survive. Hyukjun was a much better cook than either of us.”

“To survive?”

“After my dad passed…” You pursed your lips as you tried to think of how to phrase it, pushing around food in the pan. “She sort of closed up. My mom gave me a good life growing up, don’t get me wrong. But it’s hard being a single parent, and she never really made any friends, she spent all her time taking care of me or working. Then when I moved out, she closed up even more. I was kind of afraid she’d close all the way up, until she met Hyukjun.”

“I see…”

You heard footsteps coming from down the hall, and halted your conversation. Nayoung and your mom entered the kitchen dining area just a few moments later, paying Jisung no mind, clearly not seeing him at all.

“Y/N, were you on the phone?” Your mother asked as Nayoung guided her to her usual seat.

Nayoung took Hyukjun’s old place beside her.

“Oh, yeah, work call,” you fibbed. “Something urgent, couldn’t wait until I clocked in, I guess.”

“That’s inconsiderate.”

You chuckled, then looked to the aide. “Coffee, Nayoung?”

“If you’re making some, please.”

“Was just about to start a pot.”

Sitting down at the full table with your food and coffee in front of you, your mother to your left, Nayoung across from you, and Jisung to your right, you couldn’t help but smile, an odd sense of peace settling in your chest that hadn’t been there in quite some time.

That night, after your mother went to sleep, you traipsed into the kitchen, opening up the freezer. Turning to Jisung with the carton of ice cream in your hand, you said, “I don’t suppose you could help me with this?”

“Unfortunately not,” he chuckled.

“Figured I would ask,” you sighed, grabbing a spoon. “Come on, I’m thinking a movie?”

Curled up in the corner of the couch under a blanket, you had just opened the ice cream when you realized you left the remote on the coffee table out of your reach. Jisung was still standing, seeming unsure of where to sit.

“Can you pass me the remote?” You requested, stretching an arm out towards it but ultimately not reaching it.

“Oh, sure, sure.” He picked it up with ease just like you would, handing it off to you.

“Thanks.” You turned the TV on. He was still standing, so you gestured to the rest of the empty couch. “Sit, Jisung.”

“Right,” he mumbled, taking a seat next to you.

“You haven’t seriously been standing there like that this whole time, have you?”

“I… sit sometimes, yeah.”

“Good.” You patted his arm—or you tried to pat his arm, but instead your hand hit the back of the couch, a cold shiver running up your arm starting at your fingertips. You jerked your hand back in alarm, eyes going wide. “Shit! Sorry! Did I just like, smack your lung or something?”

Jisung laughed hard, his nose scrunching up and his hand flying up to cover his mouth as he giggled. “I’ve never thought of it like that. I don’t—I don’t think so, no.”

“It didn’t like, hurt, did it?”

“No. Feels a little weird, like… Ah, I don’t know how to describe it if you’re still corporeal. But it doesn’t hurt.”

“Okay good,” you breathed out. Looking down at the remote in your hand, you frowned thoughtfully. “How come you could grab this just fine, but I just go through you?”

“It used to happen with objects, too,” he informed you, reaching his hand out towards the coffee table. The ghost moved it down, his hand effortlessly gliding through the table just like yours had gone through him a few moments earlier. “I can control it now. But for some reason, people, I still can’t.”

“That sounds… lonely.”

Jisung shrugged, offering you a sort of sad smile. “Hey, I just spent a few decades not being seen or heard by anybody either. I’ll take what I can get.”

“Alright, what are we feeling?” You hummed as you pulled up the streaming service. “Ghost movie?”

He gave you a skeptical look. “You hate horror movies. You made Hyukjun turn all the lights in the house on when he put ‘Saw’ on.”

“Aw come on, no laugh? Not even a chuckle? Ironic scoff?” You wrinkled your nose at him.

“I’m laughing on the inside.”

“I was very brave for watching it all, though, wouldn’t you agree?” You grinned, grabbing a big spoonful of ice cream.

Jisung’s amused smile was apparent that time. “Very. If I had gold stars to give out, you’d get one.”

“Okay, what about ‘The Batman’? The one with Robert Pattinson, I literally don’t care about the other ones.”

“I’m not sure who that is, but sure.”

“Jisung, I’m about to change your afterlife. Possibly for the worse.”

From when you woke up to when you went to sleep, if you were at home, Jisung was usually around. You found that you didn’t mind his presence, if anything it was comforting, he made the house feel less empty than it would be with just you and your mother—and occasionally Nayoung. You had to catch yourself from talking to him when your mom or Nayoung were within earshot, or looking too obviously at where he was standing or sitting when they were in the room. Your evenings that you used to spend with Hyukjun were now spent with the ghost, watching shows or movies, showing him your favorite music, or just talking.

This morning, as your mom bathed herself and Nayoung waited for her in her bedroom, just in case, you had some extra time. Which you were glad for, as you knew you were moving slow, feeling more like a zombie than a functioning human being as you prepared breakfast. You yawned, covering your mouth with the back of your hand before gripping the tomato again and continuing your cuts.

“So what—”

“Y/N!” Jisung’s cry of warning came before you registered your tomato juice-slickened fingers slipping down the food and under the blade.

You looked down to see crimson red welling up and joining the tomato’s seeds at the same time you felt coldness on your hands. Jisung had tried to grab you, both too late, and in an ill-fated attempt even if he hadn’t been, as his hands went right through yours. You belatedly hissed as your sleep-slogged mind finally registered the pain, made extra by the sting of tomato juice in the cuts. Jisung swore under his breath as he grabbed a kitchen towel instead, wrapping it around your fingers and pressing hard as his other hand knocked the knife out of your uninjured fingers that were still lamely holding it. He reached over to turn the sink on, and pulled you over there by the grip he had on the towel. He couldn’t move your hand under the water once he took the towel off, though, staring at you pointedly.

“Right,” you mumbled, putting your fingers under the stream of the faucet to rinse the cuts clean of tomato guts. “Thanks, Jisung.”

“What—” He was cut off by the doorbell ringing.

You hurriedly ripped off a wad of paper towels to press to your cut, calling out to Nayoung, “I’ll get it!”

You knew Jisung was following you, not bothering to keep his sighs quiet as you peered through the peephole first—habit. A pit formed in your stomach when you recognized the man standing on your doorstep immediately.

Forcing your features into a pleasantly neutral expression, you opened the door just enough to greet your eldest stepbrother. “Good morning, Seohyuk.”

He fixed you with the same wide, dazzling grin that he always had, one that made you think he should be doing real estate instead of whatever his real job was—investment broker or something. He was in a suit, looking like he had stopped by on his way to work. You bit back the urge to look down at your own lounge clothes and hair still damp from your shower.

“Y/N! Good morning!” He was still beaming. “Looking beautiful as always.”

“Can I help you?” You asked politely, stepping onto the porch and forcing him to back up a step off the welcome mat, keeping one hand on the door handle.

He then seemed to have noticed your hand. “Are you alright? Did you hurt yourself?”

“Nicked myself with a knife in the kitchen just now. I’m fine,” you shrugged off his concerns. “Why are you here?”

“Oh my god! We should go in and get that washed out!” His hands fluttered over you with feigned worry, trying to usher you back into the house, put you stayed put, firmly shutting the front door behind you.

“I already washed it out,” you informed him flatly. “What do you want?”

The expressiveness immediately dropped off his face, and a cool, suave smirk overtook it as he sized you up. “Alright. Big girl can handle herself.”

“We’re both adults, Seohyuk, I’d appreciate it if you can act like one and get to your point.”

“Funny, my dad never seemed to think you were one,” he sneered. “You were the little princess he never got to have.”

“If this is all you came for, I’m going back inside,” you sighed, reaching for the handle again.

“I came to inspect the property.” He finally gave you his reason, holding his chin up. “As is my right, to make sure you’re not letting it go to ruins. So you have to let me in.”

Right, as if the house could’ve fallen to the wayside and become dilapidated in a week. You turned back to him, meeting his gaze head-on. It was easier like this, just one of them. Especially Seohyuk, he didn’t have a temper like his younger brothers, nor did his words cut as deep as his mom’s, he was just… a jerk. You could deal with a jerk.

“And, as I’m sure you saw when you continued reading the papers, you have to give me at least twenty-four hours’ notice before conducting any inspection of the property. So, I will see you in twenty-four hours.” You grabbed the door handle again. “Goodbye, Seohyuk.”

You didn’t wait for his response, rushing inside and slamming the door shut behind you. You locked it up as quick as you could, not wanting to take any chances.

“You’re not seriously going to let him come in here?!” Jisung blurted out, wide eyes focused on you. Of course he heard everything again.

As you opened your mouth to answer, Nayoung stepped out your mom’s room hesitantly, worried eyes focused on you. You turned to her instead, offering her a reassuring smile.

“Is there anything I can do, Y/N?” She asked quietly. You didn’t want to know how much she had heard.

“I’ll try to arrange it so the inspection is during your time. If she’s up for it tomorrow, could you take my mom on a walk? I need to be here, and she really shouldn’t be.”

The aide nodded quickly. “Of course, yes.”

Back in the kitchen, Jisung pulled the first aid kit down, and you applied your own bandages to the cuts on your fingers. You could feel his eyes boring holes into your hair as you bowed your head to pay extra close attention to your injuries.

“Y/N—”

“What did you want me to do, Jisung?” You hissed, not meaning for it to come out as venomous as it did. “They’re entitled to inspect the premises, it’s technically also kind of their house. I would’ve been in bigger shit if I told him no!”

The ghost was quiet, and when you finally looked up, you saw the hurt on his own face. You sighed, throwing away the bloody paper towels and bandage wrappers. Rolling out your shoulders and your neck to relieve the tension that had built up there, you loosely wrapped your arms around yourself.

“I’m sorry,” you said quietly. “I’m not mad at you, none of this is your fault. I’m just… stressed, and I slept like shit last night. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“It’s okay, Y/N,” he reassured you. “I just… hate the idea of you and that guy being in this house by yourselves, you know? I don’t trust him.”

“Oh, we won’t be alone.”

“I know I’ll be here, but that’s not the same as having someone who could actually do something.”

“I know you’ll be here, and that’s reassuring,” you replied, an amused smile playing at your lips. “But that’s not entirely what I meant.”

“Mr. Shin, thank you for coming on such short notice,” you greeted the attorney with a polite bow, welcoming him into the house.

Mr. Shin was an older man, around Hyukjun’s age, with salt and pepper hair, who hastily returned the bow. He wore a simple black suit, white dress shirt, and black tie, thick-framed glasses perched on his nose, and he held his black briefcase tightly to his side. He was exactly as you pictured him from speaking to him on the phone yesterday—when you picked up Hyukjun’s papers, you’d only dealt with his secretary.

“Of course, Ms. Y/L/N, it’s my duty,” he replied briskly. “Your stepbrother has not arrived yet, has he?”

“No, I’m expecting Seohyuk in a few minutes.”

“Good, good.”

“Would you like some coffee? Or tea?”

“No, thank you, I couldn’t intrude.” He shook his head fervently. “Your mother isn’t home, is she?”

“She stepped out for a walk just before you arrived. She doesn’t need to be here, does she?”

“No, no, not at all.” He seemed relieved at this news, if anything.

The doorbell rang then, and you smiled at the lawyer. “That should be him.”

Looking out the peephole first, it was in fact Seohyuk. You opened the door wider than yesterday, offering him a polite smile. “Good morning, Seohyuk.”

“Alright, Y/N, it’s been twenty-four hours, let me in.” He skipped pleasantries entirely, a glare already on his features.

“Of course.” You obliged gracefully, opening the door all the way for him.

He obviously hadn’t seen anybody else, as he faltered upon stepping inside and spotting Mr. Shin in the entryway. It was as if a magic spell had been cast on him, Seohyuk straightened up, adjusting his own tie and throwing on his charming smile, offering a hand out to him. “Kim Seohyuk, nice to meet you.”

Mr. Shin once again bowed formally, ignoring the hand in front of him. “Attorney Shin. I’m the lawyer in charge of your father’s estate, and I’ll be overseeing this inspection.”

“Great. Yeah, I’m glad Y/N remembered to call you like we talked about,” Seohyuk lied through his teeth, keeping his voice casual. “She’s been a little all over the place with taking care of her mom by herself since Dad passed, so I offered to, but she insisted she would do it since she only works part-time now.”

You clenched your jaw to not call him a piss-poor liar to his face. Or punch him in the face. His ‘she’s a mess, but we love her’ tone really irked you. Jisung had been lurking in the corner the whole time with his arms crossed over his chest and chose now to mimic choking Seohyuk—it took everything in you not to burst out laughing, but it successfully dissolved the anger that had been bubbling in your veins.

Mr. Shin either didn’t believe him or didn’t care, as he simply nodded and then looked to the both of you. “If there are no questions, we will begin in the kitchen.”

The inspection was uneventful—you passed with flying colors, of course—and at the end, you got to see both Mr. Shin and Seohyuk out at the front door simultaneously.

“I will be making note of this in the estate’s file, of course,” Mr. Shin said in closing. “So as to not intrude on Ms. Y/L/N and her mother too much, inspections are limited to once per year, as you know.”

“What?!” Seohyuk’s jaw dropped. “Th-That’s per person, right? Like, if my brothers wanted an inspection—”

“I’m afraid not, Mr. Kim. One inspection of the property per year. Unless good cause is shown.”

“Good cause? Like what?”

“If there is some damage externally that would lead you to believe Ms. Y/L/N has caused similar damage internally, or if she posted pictures to her social media of the inside that showed some damage. Something like that.”

You had to cover your mouth to keep from laughing in Seohyuk’s face as his jaw gaped open like a dead fish. After composing yourself, you gave the both of them a cheerful wave. “So I guess I’ll see you two next year.”

“And hopefully not any sooner!” Mr. Shin confirmed, bowing deeply once more.

You closed the door with a satisfying click. Turning back around to Jisung, you finally burst into laughter with him. He pumped his fist victoriously. “Gone until next year!”

Holding your hand up, you cheered, “Whoo! Come on, ghost five!”

Jisung whooshed his hand through yours, and the chill zipping up your arm only served to make you more excited. Finally, a win in all this.

3:16 a.m.

You glared at your bedside clock like it was doing this to you personally. Rolling onto your other side, you let out a disgruntled sigh. No matter how comfortable you were, how exhausted your bones and your brain were, you couldn’t fucking sleep. Sitting up, you threw your covers off of you and padded out of your room.

In the kitchen, you drank a glass of water, but couldn’t bring yourself to go back upstairs to your room. You wandered into the living room, plopping into your usual corner of the couch and pulling your knees to your chest. Turning your phone on, you once again glared at the time like it was invented to hurt you in particular.

3:20 a.m.

You could be doing something better right now, reading a book, laying very still with your eyes closed, meditating, anything but scrolling on your phone.

3:49 a.m.

Had you ever gotten a good night’s sleep in your life? You couldn’t remember in that moment. Your eyes stung looking at the screen, they stung when you closed them, but you blinked it away.

4:17 a.m.

“Y/N?” Jisung stepped into the living room. “Why are you still up?”

“Mm, Jisung, hey,” you greeted him dully, setting your phone aside on the arm of the couch. “I’m surprised it took you this long to find me.”

“I figured you were just getting a glass of water or something. I didn’t want to bother you. But you’ve been out here for almost an hour now.”

You sighed, resting your chin on your knees. “Can’t sleep.”

“Is something wrong?”

“I slept for a couple hours, but then I woke up and I just... couldn’t go back to sleep,” you sighed.

“Staring at that screen isn’t going to help you get back to sleep.” He frowned.

That made you chuckle. “And how do you know that?”

“Your mom used to get on your stepdad about using screens too close to bedtime,” he confessed. “Something about the light keeping your brain awake.”

You smiled as you could imagine that perfectly. “Yeah, that sounds like her.”

“Can I do anything to help? Do you want like, hot chocolate? Or…” He trailed off as he was clearly wracking his brain for another option.

“You want to keep me off my phone?”

He nodded.

You stood up, your fingers tapping over the spines on the bookcases before you grabbed one. You offered it out to Jisung. “Read to me.”

Jisung gently took the book from you, then nodded to the couch. “Sure. Lay down.”

“I’m not sleeping on the couch,” you snorted, taking your phone back off the arm and heading for the stairs. Tilting your head indicatively, you said, “Come on, you get to go to the second floor.”

His footsteps were quiet behind you, squeaking some of the same steps that you did as he followed you up the stairs. You opened the door to your bedroom, stepping in first and holding it open to gesture him in as he had stopped uncertainly by the threshold. Closing the door behind him, you then sat down on your bed again.

“Here.” You patted the empty side of the bed for him.

Jisung shuffled over, sitting up against the headboard with his long legs stretched out on top of your sheets. With amusement, you noted that he was no longer wearing his dark shoes, only black socks. You laid back down under your covers again, pulling your blankets up to your chin.

He clicked the lamp on his side of the bed on, and seemed to have read the title for the first time then. “Poems?”

“My mom used to read to me every night, way past the normal age that you stop doing that stuff I’m pretty sure. And whenever I got nightmares, or couldn’t sleep, I’d climb into her bed. It didn’t matter if I woke her up at two in the morning, she’d grab one of the five or ten books that were always on her nightstand and start reading to me until I fell asleep,” you explained, readjusting your pillow under your head. “That was one of my favorites. I figured it was worth a shot.”

Jisung opened the book to the first poem and began reading. His voice was soft and steady, deep and soothing. Despite your want to keep watching him and the focused look on his face as he read, his dark eyes following the words on the page, your own eventually fluttered shut against your will.

When you woke up, Jisung was no longer in your room. The book was resting on the nightstand on that side of the bed, and the lamp was off. Upon entering the kitchen, you saw Jisung standing at the humming microwave. He perked up when you walked in, despite the confused look on your face.

“Good morning!” He said brightly, then gestured to the microwave. “I’m making you hot chocolate. I heard the shower.”

“And if my mother had walked in and saw the hot chocolate making itself?” You asked dryly, still rubbing sleep out of your eyes. Your shower didn’t do much to wake you up this morning.

Jisung visually deflated, looking around guiltily. “Oh. Right…”

“It’s sweet, Jisung, thank you,” you added with a smile, watching his shoulders relax. “You’re very sweet. I just don’t want to give my mom a heart attack.”

“Of course.” He was smiling again too. “Sorry.”

Sitting halfway down the stairs with Jisung, you stared blankly at the front door. Dinner had been difficult for your mom tonight, and with no Nayoung at that meal, you had to do it all on your own. She was asleep now, and you held your head in your hands. Jisung was quietly sitting beside you, resting his elbows on his knees as his laced and unlaced his fingers in front of him. This was probably one of the best parts about having Jisung around. Despite being practically omnipresent at this point, if you didn’t want to talk, he didn’t talk. If you wanted to chat, he would talk to you about anything, but if you wanted utter silence, he would let you sit in utter silence—he just wouldn’t let you do it alone.

You felt nearly suffocated by the house in that moment, but you couldn’t leave your mom alone.

“Can you go outside?” You lifted your head to ask Jisung.

“Not very far,” he answered as if you were asking any other piece of trivia about him and his predicament.

“The porch swing?”

“Yes, I can go there.”

“Do you want to? Now? With me?”

He chuckled softly. “When have I ever told you no?”

It was a warm night, which you were glad for as you were only in your sleep shorts and a t-shirt as you sat on the wooden porch swing with Jisung. Holding the chain next to your head with one hand, you peered out at the nighttime around you, glad to be out of those walls finally.

“Pretty moon,” you commented, looking up at the silver half-moon above you.

“Mhm,” Jisung hummed his agreement.

“And stars,” you added, taking in the twinkling dots all around the moon.

“Mhm.”

“Pretty stars,” you clarified.

“Mhm.”

Looking at Jisung out of the corner of your eye, you kept the same tone of voice as you said, “Pretty garbage can.”

“Mhm.”

“Jisung?”

“Mhm?”

“You’re not listening to me.”

“Huh?”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Uhm… nothing.” He coughed. “Pretty moon.”

“Mhm.” You hummed back in the same sing-songy tone that he had. “I wish I could touch you.”

“Huh?” He spluttered out.

“Just feels like a nice moment to rest my head in your lap, don’t you think?” You looked over at him, meeting his dark eyes.

He looked down at his legs, then around him in what you would almost call an attempt to avoid your gaze. “Well… we could put one of the pillows on the swing where my lap is, and you can rest your head there and pretend it’s me.”

“That won’t be uncomfortable for you?”

“No, I’ll be fine,” he promised. “Just make sure it’s not too far over here, I don’t want to make you cold.”

After you settled onto your back with your head on a pillow, right on the edge of where Jisung’s thigh started, you could see Jisung and the porch roof directly above you. The corner of his mouth twitched as he looked down at you, and you smiled back up at him.

“Can you push the porch swing?” You requested.

“Sure,” he agreed, and you felt the swing gently push off backwards then sail forward.

You rolled your head to the side to be able to look at the moon again.

“Can I ask…” You poked your tongue on the inside of your cheek. “How did you die? If you want to tell me, you don’t have to.”

Jisung sighed. “I don’t know. I went to sleep one night and when I woke up, I wasn’t in my body anymore.”

You felt your eyes widen involuntarily. “Seriously? You weren’t sick or anything?”

“I felt fine,” he confirmed. “I didn’t even realize until I couldn’t grab the handle to open my bedroom door and leave. My hand just went through it. When I turned back around to my bed, I saw myself lying there. I thought I was still dreaming.”

“God... I’m sorry, Jisung.”

He shrugged, his fingers messing with the edges of the pillow that your head was on. “It could’ve been worse. It didn’t hurt, I wasn’t dreading the end or anything.”

You reached for his face, despite knowing that it wouldn’t work, holding your hand up as if you were cupping his cheek, hovering right on the edge of where your skin passed through each other. “Does that... I always feel cold when I try to touch you. Is this warm? To you?”

“I never notice that I’m cold until I touch you.” He hesitantly put his hand over yours. “Like when you’ve been outside during winter for so long that you don’t even feel temperature anymore. And then you step inside again and you can suddenly feel just how cold you are because everything else is so warm.”

“Is it… I don’t know, nice?”

“It’s… a lot,” he admitted. “It’s not bad, but I can never warm up.”

“Oh.” You took your hand back, resting it on your stomach.

“It’s late,” he said quietly. “Are you tired?”

“No, but I should probably head to bed.” You sat up reluctantly.

Only a few minutes after saying your goodnights, you were at the bottom of the stairs again, searching for Jisung. You found him in the living room.

“Can you read to me?” You asked, fidgeting with the sleeves of your shirt.

He chose a book off the shelves and followed you upstairs wordlessly. Back under your covers again, you listened to the sound of his fingers running over the edges of the pages, folding back the cover of the book before he started reading. It wasn’t the same book of poems as last time, instead you fondly recognized it as one of your favorite books from when you started reading novels as a kid, about a young girl who went on a grand fantasy adventure with all sorts of magical creatures. In the back of your mind, you thought to yourself that you were a little disappointed that you’d be asleep before the end, when she finally came home to her mother in the real world. That had always been your favorite part.

“Do cameras work on you?” You asked Jisung as you kneeled by one of the flowerbeds at the front of the house. It was early in the morning, and you made sure to keep one headphone in your ear so that any passerby who did happen by on morning walks or jogs would hopefully just think that you were on a phone call.

“Don’t know,” he shrugged, sitting on the porch swing. “I think I would’ve found out if I was in the background of any Kim family photos over the years.”

Curious, you took out your phone, opening up the camera and pointing it at him. The sun hadn’t fully risen yet, but in the low light you could see the porch swing just fine, seemingly rocking along on its own on your screen. Taking just one picture, you paused your weeding to look at it from your camera roll. Again, you definitely couldn’t see Jisung sitting on the porch swing like you could with your own two eyes, but there was something going on in the picture this time. The air seemed to shimmer and distort in the vague shape of a person sitting in the photo, exactly where he was in real life. You zoomed in on the fuzzy edges that nearly turned into shadow, squinting as you tried to make out whether the distortion was in the image file itself or part of Jisung somehow.

“Well?” Jisung questioned, tilting his head.

“I got... something.” You stood up, walking over to show him. “It’s not what I see when I look at you. I see, like, a person.”

“Oh.” His face fell as he looked over the photo of the strange figure.

“I think it’s cool,” you tried to cheer him up. “Very mysterious, you know.”

He gave you a half-hearted smile. “Thanks, Y/N.”

“I get why you’re bummed, though. It’s probably been a while since you’ve seen yourself, right? I never see your shadow or your reflection. Can you?”

“No, I can’t.” He shook his head. “It’s… I have my dad’s nose, and my mom’s smile. I just thought that even if I couldn’t see them anymore, it’d be nice to see the parts of them that are in me.”

You blinked back the tears that were pricking at your eyes. “I know what you mean. My dad’s mom was alive when I was younger, and she always said I looked just like him. I used to sit on my bathroom counter in front of the mirror with an old picture of him from when he was a kid for hours to try to see it too.”

“Do you look like him?” He asked quietly.

“Don’t you see it? I look just like my mom,” you laughed and shook your head.

Jisung chuckled softly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, I know. I wasn’t going to spoil your connection to your dad for you.”

“It makes me happy to know that my grandmother saw my dad when she looked at me anyway.” You permanently deleted the photo you’d taken of Jisung. “I’m sure you have something else from your parents that you don’t need a mirror for, though. Like, for me, when I laugh really, really hard, I start wheezing—it’s honestly an awful sound—and clutch my sides and stomp my left foot. My dad would laugh with his whole body like that too. I didn’t even know until my mom pointed it out a few years ago out of the blue. I sneeze like Hyukjun now, too. Don’t even know how I picked that up in such a short time. I was dusting the other day and when I sneezed, I realized it sounded just like him.”

“Really?” He laughed, a real one this time.

“Yeah,” you smiled fondly at the memory. “I’m sure you’ve got lots of pieces of your family in you other than your nose and your eyes, Jisung.”

The ghost held your gaze, his dark eyes that you tried to imagine belonging to some ambiguous father of his that you could never recall, smiling up at you with a smile that matched a memory of his mother you didn’t have. Even if you would never know them, you remembered them in that moment for him.

You chewed on your bottom lip as you leafed through the large tome of local genealogies in front of you. At first you were worried that Mr. Shin would have questions for you as to why you wanted information on the deed of the house, primarily who had owned it before your stepdad bought it. But instead, he simply had his paralegal fetch the information from the previous title search they’d done when drafting the documents for Hyukjun. You took the list of names with you to the local library, where they kept an archive of all sorts of birth, death, and marriage records, including genealogies of local families.

Kim Hyukjun had purchased the home from a husband and wife, the Parks, decades before you were even born. The Parks were the first owners, and despite neither of their names being Jisung, you figured he must be related to them in some way to have lived there before Hyukjun bought it; their son, a nephew, grandson, something.

You finally found a married couple whose names matched, and eagerly read on for their children. They had one child, a son, Park Jisung—deceased.

“Found you,” you whispered to yourself, tapping the name in the book. Taking a picture of all the relevant information, you shut the book and returned it to its place before taking down another one, death certificates.

Finally landing on Jisung’s, you read with bated breath and a morbid curiosity. It started with all the normal stuff—name, age, date of birth, address—and you skimmed on, trying to find the thing that you really wanted to know. But as you got to the end, and desperately re-read again from the beginning, more carefully this time, you realized there was no cause of death listed. They must not have requested an autopsy. As your chest deflated, you shook your head at yourself. What would knowing even change now? You took a quick note of the cemetery listed before shutting the book.

The information—or lack thereof—that you’d gotten from the library was still on your mind when you returned to the house. Nayoung was sitting at the kitchen table, and looked up from her phone when you came in.

“Ah, Y/N, how were your errands?” She asked, clearly noticing your empty hands.

“Fine,” you gave a non-committal answer. “Where’s my mom?”

“She’s taking a nap in her room. She’s been asleep for about fifteen minutes or so.”

“Good.” You glanced at the time on the stove. “You can head out for the day. Thank you, Nayoung.”

“I’ll see you all tomorrow, then.” She stood up and flashed you one more bright smile before showing herself out.

A few moments later, you heard the sound of the front door locking after her, then Jisung entered the room from that direction. He stopped next to you.

“So where’d you go today?” He asked curiously. “You didn’t pick anything up…”

You sighed, taking a seat at the kitchen table. “Library. They didn’t have what I needed.”

“What book were you looking for?”

You grimaced at yourself, picking at your nails uncomfortably as you braced yourself to tell the truth. “I wasn’t checking out a book. I was… I was looking up stuff in the archives, about you.”

Jisung’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Me?”

“I’m sorry, I was nosy and shouldn’t have done that without talking to you first,” you apologized. “I’m sorry.”

“Y/N, you’ve got a ghost living in your house,” he reminded you frankly. “Normal personal boundaries aren’t really applicable here.”

“I… guess that’s one way to look at it.”

“And I mean, all you did was look in the archives, right?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s fine.” Jisung sat in his chair next to yours, leaning forward towards you eagerly. “What did you find out?”

You chewed your lip nervously. “Not much. I know your full name is Park Jisung. Your parents didn’t have an autopsy done, so we still don’t know why you… passed. I know where they buried… you, though.”

He kept looking at you expectantly, waiting for you to say more. But that was all you had. When he realized that you were done, his face fell, and he let out a breath, sitting back in his chair.

“Oh.” He nodded slowly.

“I’m sorry, Jisung.” You instinctively reached for his hand that was resting on the table. You did a double-take when your hand didn’t impact with the wooden tabletop under him, though, but with him.

Jisung’s hand was cool to the touch, but solid, yours didn’t just slip right through it like usual. You stared down at your hands as you readjusted your grip in disbelief.

Your ghost was similarly bewildered, eyes locked on your hands as he squeezed yours back. “Are you…”

“Yeah, I can actually touch you!” You laughed in amazement.

He looked up from your hand to your eyes, lifting his other hand towards your face. “Can I…?”

You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak, or even breathe, in that moment.

Jisung’s fingertips gently caressed your cheek, his eyes filled with wonder as he murmured, “You’re so warm…”

“Are you… you know, cold? Is it like before?”

“No, it’s-it’s nice,” he said, clasping your hand with both of his now. “Thank you. For letting me…”

“Oh, sure, yeah,” you cleared your throat awkwardly, looking around the kitchen.

“It’s funny, it’s one of those things you take for granted until you can’t do it anymore.”

“What?”

“Touch people.” He squeezed your hand softly. “I used to complain when my mom would kiss me, or my friends would give me hugs. Now… I can’t believe I’m holding someone’s hand again.”

You patted his arm, at a loss for words, but hoping that you could give him some kind of comfort in the moment. It sounded like a heartbreakingly lonely existence. You couldn’t imagine what you would do if you could never hug your mom again, or even bump into strangers on the train—small things that reminded you that you were real, that you took up space.

You felt your heart truly shatter when Jisung leaned over, pressing his forehead to your linked hands, and you saw his shoulders shake with quiet sobs.

“Oh, Jisung,” you whispered, scooting your chair closer to gently stroke his dark hair. “It’s okay…”

Tonight had been rough. This was the third night in a row that you had gone in circles trying to calm your mother down from a frightened state, afraid that every creak of the house settling, gust of the air conditioning rustling a curtain, or wind blowing a tree branch outside was a ghost. Despite being aware that your house was actually inhabited by a ghost, you knew it wasn’t Jisung doing any of those things.

You had finally gotten her back to sleep at almost one in the morning, and shut her bedroom door behind you with a sigh. Shuffling into the kitchen, you stopped in the middle of the room, rubbing a hand over your face as you just stared blankly at the countertop. You couldn’t even remember what you had come in here for.

“Hey,” Jisung called for your attention softly, his quiet footsteps approaching from behind you. “Did you want water? Hot chocolate?”

“Ugh, I don’t even know,” you groaned, turning around and burying your face in his shoulder. “I’m so fucking tired, Jisung.”

“Then let’s get you to bed,” he suggested, trying to usher you out of the kitchen, but you didn’t budge.

Looking up at him, you sniffled, “This is the third night this has happened… I don’t know if I can… What if I can’t—What if—What am I—What if I can’t do it by myself? What if I can’t take care of her like she needs on my own? She’s only going to get worse and I’m… Oh God, I’m tired.”

Tears streamed down your cheeks now as you felt an exhaustion from deep within. You felt it in every fiber of your being, in your bones, deep in your chest. You couldn’t remember a time when you didn’t feel worn out like this.

Jisung’s eyes widened as his hands frantically fluttered over your arms and shoulders, clearly unsure of where to settle as he went to try to comfort you. “Ah, Y/N, oh, no. Oh, God, I’m so sorry that you feel so tired. You’re doing so good.” He squeezed your shoulders. “You’re not alone. I know it can feel like that, but you’ve got Nayoung, too. Your stepdad left a fund to pay for your mom’s care, right? You can use that to have Nayoung here more if you need her to, can’t you? I’ve heard her ask if you want to adjust her schedule…”

“Yeah, she has,” you nodded, the admission only making you cry harder. “I just—I don’t want to think about needing more help, about needing Nayoung more, because that really means that she’s getting worse. But I can’t—She needs more than me.”

“I’m so sorry, Y/N,” Jisung said, his own eyes shining in the dim light. “I wish I could make everything better for you.”

You gave him a shaky smile, the best you could muster in the moment, patting one of his hands that were still holding you by the shoulders. “I know. Thank you, just having you here to listen to me means a lot.”

He wiped at your tears with his thumbs, his hands shaking slightly as he gently cradled your face. “Let me help you however I can—you know, without freaking your mom out. You can take care of your mom and I’ll take care of you. Please.”

It was all you could do to nod your head in his hands. He let out a breath of relief.

“Come on, let’s get you back to bed.” He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, guiding you out of the kitchen successfully this time.

At the top of the stairs, you stopped and grabbed his hand, pleading, “Don’t leave me, Jisung.”

He chuckled lightly, lacing his fingers with yours. “Where could I even go? I’m stuck here.”

“I mean, you always leave after I fall asleep,” you explained. “Don’t go this time.”

He nodded, using the index finger of the hand that was holding yours to trace an X over his heart, pulling your hand along with it. “I won’t leave you.”

You fell asleep curled up under your covers, Jisung reading a book of short stories to you, one of his hands resting on your head, fingers gently carding through your hair—a silent reminder of his promise that he would still be there in the morning.

When you woke up, you felt terrible. Not only because of how poorly you had slept lately, but all of your joints and muscles ached, your sinuses felt like they were stuffed up with concrete, your throat was scratchy and sore, and it felt like someone had turned the thermostat up to a million degrees. You winced as you rolled over and threw the covers off of you, already feeling that your sheets and clothes were damp with sweat. Groaning and clutching your head, you involuntarily coughed, having to prop yourself up on your elbow to avoid choking on your own mucus. Gross.

“You’re sick,” Jisung said from the other side of the bed, his voice sympathetic. You’d forgotten that he was even there, actually.

Sitting up, you tried to look as normal as possible, shaking your head. “No, just had something in my throat.”

You winced at the sound of your own voice; it sounded almost as bad as you felt.

“Y/N, you sound awful,” he pointed out. “And you were tossing and turning all night.”

“I’m fine—”

“Y/N.” He was giving you what could only be called a stern pout. “We just talked about this last night.”

You opened your mouth to argue again, but faltered at the intensity of his gaze. Letting the tension fall from your shoulders, you grabbed your phone off your nightstand. “I’ll see if Nayoung or another aide can stay all day.”

Jisung finally smiled at that, standing up and moving to leave the room. “I’ll make you breakfast before your mom wakes up.”

You watched him walk to your door, and instead of grabbing the handle to open it, walked right through it. That must be why you were never woken by the sound of the door when he would leave in the middle of the night before.

Once Nayoung arrived, you hauled yourself out of bed and to the doctor’s office. As soon as you got back, you trudged right back upstairs. From the living room, you could hear the sounds of your mother and the aide chatting. In your room, you shrugged off your jacket and had just grabbed the hem of your shirt when Jisung appeared through the door.

“So what did—”

“Ah!” You yelped, yanking your shirt back down and whirling around to stare at him incredulously.

“Sorry! Sorry!” Jisung sputtered out, covering his eyes.

“Knock! I know you can!” You yelled, gesturing at the door with exasperation. “What is wrong with you?!”

“I didn’t think—I’m sorry!” He fully backed up and out of your room through a solid wall, still covering his eyes.

A few moments later, you heard soft footsteps accompanied by creaks on the stairs. Nayoung’s voice came next, “Y/N? Are you okay?”

“Oh, yeah, Nayoung, I’m fine,” you called back. “Just stubbed my toe getting dressed.”

“Alright…” She didn’t sound like she believed you, but apparently wasn’t going to press the issue. “I have another visit to make today, so another aide from the service will be here in the afternoon to take over from me. Her name is Hyesoo.”

“Okay, thanks for letting me know.”

“I’ll say goodbye when I leave.”

“Thanks.”

You heard her retreat down the stairs, and finished getting changed in peace. Sitting down on your bed, you then heard a soft knock at your bedroom door.

“Come in,” you replied, crossing your arms over your chest.

Jisung stepped through the door, averting his eyes to his feet guiltily. “Sorry...”

“Forget about it, Jisung,” you sighed, flopping all the way under your covers. “I’m too sick to be mad at you.”

“What did the doctor say?” He asked, perching on the edge of your bed.

“It’s just a cold, but he said that all the stress I’m under isn’t helping,” you huffed, fluffing up your pillow under your head. “He gave me some meds, they’re in my bag.”

Jisung picked up your tote bag from where you’d dropped it by your nightstand, handing it to you. “I’ll get you some water to take them with.”

After he’d left the room, you set two of the bottles on your nightstand, and tucked the third in the drawer. Your ghost came back soon with a glass of water, and you eyed him suspiciously as he gave it to you.

“Nobody saw the floating glass of water?” You questioned, sitting up to be able to properly take a sip.

“Your mom and Nayoung were in the backyard,” he confirmed, watching you knock back the pills. “Are you hungry?”

You shook your head, shuffling back under the covers. “Sleepy. That doctor’s visit took a lot out of me.”

“Take a nap.”

“Will you wake me up before Nayoung goes?”

“Sure. But sleep right now.”

You were faintly aware of Jisung’s cool hand resting on your head as you let yourself get swept away by sleep.

Blinking your eyes open, you were greeted by the inky blackness of your ghost’s eyes first. Jisung was laying on top of the covers on the other half of your bed, cheek resting on his hand as he gazed at you. You rubbed the sleep out of your eyes as you rolled onto your back, suddenly feeling much warmer under the intensity of his eyes.

“The other aide just arrived, Nayoung is getting ready to leave,” he informed you quietly.

“Mm,” you grunted in acknowledgment. “Thanks.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Still feel like shit,” you admitted. “The doctor did say the meds wouldn’t start working until the second or third dose.”

You heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and both you and Jisung went quiet. There was a soft knock at your door.

“Y/N?” Nayoung said your name quietly.

“Yes, Nayoung?” You replied.

“I’m heading out. Hyesoo and your mom are in the living room. There’s an extra serving of lunch, would you like me to bring it up for you?”

You were hungry now, and against your instincts, agreed, “If you don’t mind.”

“Of course not. I’ll warm it up for you, give me a few minutes.”

You stared up at the ceiling bitterly, trying to swallow down the uncomfortable, shameful bile rising up in your body. You don’t have to do everything yourself, you can accept people’s kindness, you can let people help you. This was exactly what you were getting upset with Hyukjun for doing, putting others before himself at the detriment of his own health. If you didn’t take care of yourself, your mom wouldn’t have any family left to take care of her—only Hyukjun’s fund to pay for more aides.

“Y/N, I’m setting it down outside your room,” Nayoung’s voice was back outside your door, startling you. You hadn’t even heard the stairs this time. “I made you some tea, too. I hope you feel better. See you tomorrow.”

You were out of your bed and opening the door before Jisung could. Nayoung was still on the top step, and looked over her shoulder, clearly a little startled. You looked down at the plate of food and steaming mug of tea, recognizing it as Hyukjun’s favorite coffee cup. Tears suddenly filled your eyes, but you didn’t move to hug her, knowing that she’d be visiting more elderly and possibly immunocompromised patients today. Instead, you stayed put in the doorway, giving her a small smile.

“Thank you, Nayoung.” You couldn’t string together any more words than that, but she seemed to get it anyway.

She beamed back at you, her young features holding a gentle understanding and wisdom. “You’re welcome. Rest well, Y/N.”

After getting ready for sleep that evening, you were sitting with your feet hanging over the side of the bed, taking your next doses of medications. You took the two on the nightstand, then pulled open the drawer to fish out the one that you had put away earlier. The nap you’d taken earlier had thrown off your sleeping pattern, you weren’t near tired enough despite the time.

“Y/N?” Jisung lightly touched your shoulder. “Everything okay?”

You were staring at the orange pill bottle in your hands, gnawing on your bottom lip. “What if I can’t see you?”

“What?”

“He gave me stuff to help me sleep.” You looked up from the bottle to your ghost. “But what if I take it and I can’t see you anymore?”

Jisung sat down next to you, shoulder-to-shoulder, and took the bottle from you. He turned it over in his hands as he spoke, “You could see me before you started having problems sleeping, right?”

You thought about this for a moment, then slowly nodded, relieved.

“And even if you took these and couldn’t see me anymore for some reason—I would rather you be well than see me,” he said, pushing the bottle back into your hand and wrapping your fingers around it. He held your eye contact sincerely. “Okay?”

You swallowed the lump in your throat and nodded. “Okay…”

Jisung watched silently as you opened the bottle, shook one out into your palm, closed the bottle back up, and knocked the tablet back with some water. He stood up to move to his usual spot against the headboard, grabbing the book that was sitting on the nightstand. You crawled under the covers, watching him open the book to where he left off.

“Jisung?”

“Yes?” He turned his gaze from the pages to you.

“Will you—” You sniffled, rubbing at one of your eyes as you yawned. “Will you just lay with me?”

“Oh. Sure.” He closed the book back up and set it aside, then laid down on top of the covers facing you. “Do you want the lamp off?”

“Mhm… please…”

He reached behind him to turn the light off, plunging the room into darkness. You could barely make out the outline of him from a strip of moonlight filtering in from a gap between the curtains. Your eyes were getting heavier, and you desperately fought to keep them open, just in case this was the last time you could see him.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” Jisung murmured. He crossed his finger over his heart. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Goodnight, Jisung,” you managed to mumble back as your eyes fluttered shut.

When you woke up, you were face-to-face with Jisung, his eyes shut this time, eyelashes resting delicately on his cheeks. You would’ve almost felt bad for what you were about to do, but you didn’t think that ghosts actually needed sleep, so you threw your arms around his neck, burying your face in his chest.

“Y/N?!” Jisung squeaked, freezing up under you. “What’s—”

“I can see you!” You cheered victoriously, your voice muffled by his shirt.

He let out a sigh of relief, one of his hands tentatively patting your back. “And a good morning to you, too.”

It was a couple weeks later, and you were all better. Just in time for winter, too. You let out a huff as you heaved your groceries up the porch steps, your breath coming out as a puff in the cold air. Unlocking the front door, you grinned when it was immediately opened for you, Jisung on the other side. He closed it behind you, taking your hat off you and brushing stray snowflakes from your hair, his brow furrowed in concentration. You mouthed a ‘thank you’ to him, well aware of the sounds of your mother and her new evening aide, Hyesoo, in the kitchen already. He just smiled and murmured “You’re welcome” back.

“Oh, Y/N, back already, dear?” Hyesoo greeted you brightly as you walked into the kitchen. The two of them were playing cards at the kitchen table. Hyesoo was an older woman, closer to your mom and Hyukjun in age, but insisted on you calling her by her first name nevertheless.

“Yep, just had one stop to make today!” You informed them, putting your bags onto the kitchen counters. “I think the snow kept everyone away, too.”

“It was snowing?” Your mom questioned, the disapproval clear in her tone. “You didn’t walk all the way there, did you?”

“I wore all my layers, Mom, promise,” you chuckled, beginning to unpack the groceries. “And my snow boots!”

“I’ll put those away,” Hyesoo insisted, setting her cards down and standing up. “You go warm up, we’ve got a fire going in the living room.”

“Well, I do have some work to get done before dinner...” You said sheepishly. “Thanks, Hyesoo!”

You took the stairs two at a time up to your room to get your laptop, then ran back down to sit in front of the fire with it. Opening up your email first, you were unsurprised when a familiar figure sat down beside you, holding his hands out towards the flames. You hummed to yourself as you answered a couple emails, marking some under your to-do list to deal with later, getting the easier ones out of the way first.

“Ugh, not him again,” Jisung complained from next to you, having been reading them over your shoulder. “Decline!”

You elbowed him with an eyeroll, whispering under your breath, “He’s my boss, I can’t decline a meeting with him.”

“He’s not technically your boss.”

“Okay, supervisor. Still, I can’t decline a meeting with him.”

“They’re never about anything important.”

“Yeah, that’s every meeting ever.”

“He’s just doing it to talk to you. It’s an abuse of power.”

“We’re working on a project together and he’s actually in the office and I’m not. He gives me updates. It’s helpful.”

Jisung made a ‘hrrmph’ sound, pulling his knees to his chest as he opted to stare into the fire instead. You looked at him out of the corner of your eye, mild amusement on your features.

“What? Are you jealous or something?” You teased. “He’s like, married with three kids. Have I not mentioned that? He just doesn’t know how to use computers so he makes everything a video call meeting.”

“Oh.”

“Jealous, jealous...” You said in a sing-song voice. “I already spend almost 24/7 with you, what more could you want?”

You had meant it to be rhetorical, but you swore Jisung’s mouth opened, about to answer, when Hyesoo walked in.

“Hey, I’m going to start on dinner, unless you had something planned?” She pointed to the kitchen over her shoulder.

“No, no, go for it,” you waved her off. “I have to take a call anyway. If I’m late, start without me.”

“Weren’t you just on one?”

So you hadn’t been as quiet as you’d hoped.

“Yeah, different department,” you fibbed quickly, getting to your feet and bringing your laptop with you.

You could hear the soft footfalls of Jisung following you, and at the top of the stairs, you turned around to put a hand on his chest, satisfied that Hyesoo wouldn’t be able to see you here. Jisung pouted, looking down at the hand you had on his chest.

“Work call,” you whispered, gently pushing him back. “Wait downstairs. Please.”

He nodded, not looking very happy about it, but descended the stairs anyway. It’s not like there was anything that happened on your work calls that Jisung couldn’t hear, but you didn’t want to risk a floating object in the background, you looking over at Jisung, or otherwise reacting to him in any way during one of your work calls. It was just easier to concentrate without him there.

The call with your supervisor once again really could’ve been an email, but you didn’t mind catching up with him after you got through the two or three minutes of real work conversation that you had. He was a younger guy, and had been one of the people that you were friendlier with when you actually worked in the office full-time. He filled you in on how his three kids were doing, as well as his wife, who you would always chat with at office social events. He asked about how your mom was doing, and you did inform him that she needed aides in two shifts now, to which he reminded you that if you needed to adjust your schedule or workload, that could be discussed. You appreciated that, but if your workload was any lighter, you wouldn’t be employed, and you needed money. The fund from Hyukjun paid for your mother’s medical care, but you still needed to cover the rest of your living expenses like food, utility bills, incidentals, and yourself.

“And you know those staff dinners that get put on your calendar aren’t just to say we invited everyone,” your supervisor added. “You really are wanted there. We know it’s difficult with your mom, but everyone still talks about you.”

You smiled to yourself. “Thanks. Her evening aide is going to be staying the night a few days a week now, so I might be able to make it out one of these days.”

“No pressure, Y/N. Just wanted to let you know,” he leaned back in his own office chair, and seemed to take a glance at the time for the first time in a while. “Sorry, I’ve kept you for a while.”

“It’s fine, Mr. Choi,” you reassured him. “I always enjoy our chats. Give your family my best, will you?”

“Oh! I’m late for dinner!” He suddenly shot up straight in his chair. “Thanks, Y/N. I’ll talk to you soon!”

“Goodbye, Mr. Choi,” you chuckled, hanging up the call.

Closing your laptop, you went back downstairs to the kitchen to see your mom sat at the table, reading a book. Jisung was sitting in his chair across from her, and turned around expectantly at the sound of your feet. You poked your head into the kitchen to check on Hyesoo, who looked like she was still cooking.

“Hi, Mom,” you announced your presence to your mother, coming around the table to her seat.

She looked up at you with a smile, her eyes clearly focusing on you. You wrapped your arms around her shoulders from behind, resting your cheek on the top of her head. She held onto your arms with one of her hands, squeezing gently.

“What are you reading?” You asked, trying to glean any information from the pages that were opened in front of you.

“Oh, this was Hyukjun’s favorite book,” she explained, closing it on her finger to let you see the cover. “I was thinking about him today…”

“I think I read that in a Lit class I took in undergrad,” you commented. “I never knew it was his favorite.”

“Funny enough, it was your father’s favorite too.”

“Here I spent my whole life thinking ‘Goodnight, Moon’ was Dad’s favorite book,” you snickered, referencing the answer he had given you when you were a kid, one of the many children’s books you had at the time.

“Well, he didn’t really want to tell you about this sort of book when you were that little, I think.”

“Can you let me know when you’re done with that book?” You requested. “I think I’d like to reread it.”

“Of course.”

Hyesoo came into the dining area then with three plates, and you let your mom go to take your seat. Your mother set her book aside as dinner was set in front of her.

“Did you look at the mail today, Y/N?” Your mom asked.

“I skimmed it, threw out the junk,” you shrugged, taking a bite of your food. “Why? Did you?”

Your mom must’ve had a very good day today. She usually didn’t bother with things like the mail at all.

“Did you see that Seohyuk’s getting married?”

“Yeah, again,” you snorted. This was marriage number three, if you were up to date on your stepbrother lore. “I’m surprised we even got an invite.”

“Y/N.” Your mother said your name sternly.

“Sorry,” you mumbled. Clearing your throat, you kept your tone more neutral as you said, “Yeah, I saw. Good for them.”

“What do you think?”

“About what? I just said good for them?”

“Going.”

You looked at her incredulously. “Like, to the wedding?”

“He’s family, Y/N.”

“Hyukjun was family,” you didn’t mean to snap at your mom like you did, your voice filling with vitriol. “They’re just three assholes that Hyukjun had the misfortune of being related to. We don’t owe them shit.”

“Y/N!” Your mother gaped at you.

Hyesoo and Jisung had both been silently watching the two of you go back and forth, and you suddenly became aware of the presence of two others in the room again. You took a deep breath in, looking over at the aide.

“Sorry,” you muttered, pushing your chair back from the table. “Good food. I’m not hungry anymore.”

“Y/N, sweetie, can we—”

You ignored your mom’s pleas to talk, scraping off your plate into the garbage and putting your dishes in the dishwasher before storming upstairs. Flopping onto your back on your bed, you stared up at your ceiling fan.

When you heard a knock on your door some time later, you rolled your eyes, but called out to Jisung anyway, “Come in!”

Your door handle turned and opened, revealing not Jisung, and not even your mother, but Hyesoo. She paused at the doorway, obviously aware that you hadn’t been expecting her.

“May I come in?” She requested.

You sat up straight on your bed, nodding. “Sure.”

Hyesoo came and sat beside you, leaving a polite distance between the two of you. “I don’t want to overstep, Y/N… But I imagine there’s some stuff that has happened between you and your stepbrothers that your mom doesn’t know about?”

“Yeah, lots,” you scoffed. “They hate us. They’ve always been rude to me, but ever since Hyukjun left us the house… it’s just gotten worse.”

“When’s the last time you saw or talked to one of them?”

You breathed out. “Uh… probably when Seohyuk came to inspect the property a few months ago now. Mom didn’t even know it happened, Nayoung took her for a walk.”

“Hyukjun was family to you, right? That’s what you just said.”

“Doesn’t meant his shithead sons have to be my family,” you retorted. “They said to me, at his wake, that my mom and I weren’t his family. Like, how awful do you have to be?”

“Hyukjun saw you as his family. His wife’s daughter,” she said slowly. “Do you think, your mom might see Hyukjun’s sons the same way? I’m not saying you have to. But consider your mom’s feelings for a moment.”

You took a deep inhale, trying to separate your thoughts from your own swirling emotions in that moment. “I… I didn’t think of that.”

It was then that you saw she had something in her hands, and she held out two small pictures to you. One was the wedding invite, a picture of Seohyuk and his fiancée smiling on the front. The other was of a young man around Seohyuk’s age, the image grainy, as it was clearly older and taken on film. It was undeniable who this was, though—Hyukjun.

“Your mom was showing me some photo albums earlier, when she saw the wedding invite,” Hyesoo explained. “She didn’t say it, but don’t you think he looks so much like his dad?”

You swallowed the anger in your throat, eyes tracing over the two photos, the similar smiles, the way their crow’s feet crinkled, their noses, cheekbones, and jawlines. It was hard not to see Hyukjun in his eldest son now.

“Yeah, he does,” you agreed.

“Nobody is saying you have to go to the wedding and be best friends with your stepbrothers,” she said. “Or at least, I'm not saying that. But it might be a good idea to think about why your mom would want to go. Those ‘assholes’ are living, breathing pieces of Hyukjun that are still walking around. They’re his sons, and maybe she wants to feel connected to him by connecting with them.”

“He was such a good guy,” you reached for the picture of Hyukjun, holding it between your fingers. “How did he raise three absolute fucking jerks?”

“A mystery we’ll never be able to solve.” Hyesoo clicked her tongue. “I’m about to help your mom get ready for bed, do you want to talk to her before?”

You sighed and nodded. “Yeah, let me do that.”

She handed you the wedding invite as well, standing up from your bed. “She’s in her room. Let me know when you’re done.”

Steeling your nerves, you knocked lightly on your mom’s bedroom door. “Mom? It’s Y/N.”

“Come in, sweetie.”

You opened the door quietly, immediately spotting her sitting on the corner of her bed, as if she had been waiting for you. Sitting down next to her, you took her hand, squeezing it.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” you started. “I should’ve listened to you instead of being rude and talking to you like that. I was only thinking about my feelings about Seohyuk and them, and not yours. Can you tell me more about why you want to go to the wedding?”

“I-I know you and your stepbrothers haven’t gotten along, sweetie,” she prefaced her reasoning. “But… When I think about the fact that Hyukjun won’t get to see this… Even if he did see the first two, you know.”

The both of you snickered a little at that, bumping your shoulders together affectionately. You held the two pictures out to her just like Hyesoo had done to you.

“I get what you’re saying, Mom,” you leaned your head against hers, looking at the nearly identical visages of Seohyuk and Hyukjun. “I miss him too. If this will make you feel closer to him, or that you’re honoring him or something like that, then we should go. I’ll support you.”

“Thank you, Y/N.” She ran a thumb over the picture of Hyukjun.

“What do you want to do for your birthday?” You asked Jisung, searching the table for your next puzzle piece. Your mom had gone to sleep and the two of you were putting together a jigsaw puzzle in your relaxing time before your own bedtime.

Jisung dropped his own puzzle piece that he had been trying to place, staring at you from across the coffee table. “My what?!”

“Your birthday. It’s next week.” You finally fished an edge piece out. “When I looked up the genealogy stuff, it had your birthday on there.”

“I mean, I figured that’s how you knew, but I didn’t think you’d actually—I don’t know, I’m surprised.”

“What? It’s probably been a while since you’ve celebrated it, right?” You put your puzzle piece down. “We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, I just figured it might be nice.”

“No, I-I’d like that,” he smiled softly. “Just don’t get me a cake with an accurate number of candles in it, please.”

“I think that’d get more candle wax on it than frosting.” You wrinkled your nose, making him roll his eyes. “Are you telling me I have to plan it? I asked you what you want to do.”

“Just you remembering is enough to make my birthday feel special this year, Y/N.” Jisung reached across the table to grab your hand. “I don’t really care what else happens. But I’ll think of something, promise.”

One week later, and Jisung’s birthday lined up with a night that Hyesoo was staying over, so you couldn’t use the living room, as she slept on the couch whenever she stayed. So the two of you retreated to your bedroom after dinner. Closing the door behind you, you turned to Jisung with your arms crossed, narrowing your eyes at him.

“You still haven’t told me what you want to do for your birthday,” you reminded him, tapping your foot. “And your birthday’s almost over.”

“I know what I want,” he reassured you. “But you need to change into your pajamas first, so—”

And with that, he stepped back and through the wall, out of your room. You begrudgingly changed from your casual daywear into your pajamas, then called for him to come back in. Your ghost popped back in immediately, heading towards his side of the bed. You watched him suspiciously as he sat down and grabbed the book on the nightstand. Instead of turning on his lamp as he would usually do, though, he reached over to the lamp on your side of the bed and clicked it on, then offered the book out towards you.

“I want you to read to me tonight,” he requested.

“That’s it?” You frowned.

“That’s it,” he confirmed. “You can sing me ‘Happy Birthday’ too, if it’ll make you feel better.”

You took the book from him and sat down against the headboard, pulling your covers over your lap. Jisung laid down on top of the blankets, looking up at you, waiting. You sighed and shook your head, fondly brushing some of his hair out of his face.

“Happy Birthday, Jisung,” you said, opening the book to where he had left off when he’d been reading to you.

“I can’t believe you’re actually going,” Jisung grumbled, handing you a lid to the plastic container.

“Me neither,” you sighed your agreement, snapping the container shut.

Today was finally the day of Seohyuk’s wedding. You, your mom, and Nayoung had just finished up lunch, and the aide would be helping her get ready while you got yourself dressed. Your ghost had made his distaste of the situation plenty clear.

“You couldn’t just send money and a card?”

“My mom wanted to go, and she doesn’t have another daughter to go with her,” you put the leftovers into the fridge. “I would’ve looked like a bitch sending her with an aide while I stayed home. And felt like a bitch.”

“Can’t believe that guy has even found three people who wanted to marry him.”

You laughed heartily at that. “Me neither. It’s got to be the money. Investment brokers make good money, right?”

“To fuck if I know,” your ghost snorted.

“Anyway, stay here while I get ready.”

Jisung saluted you, making you chuckle a little as you left the kitchen. The dress code was cocktail, unfortunately for you, meaning that you had to dress in the nicest outfit you’d worn since Hyukjun’s funeral. Most of your day-to-day wear was lounge clothes lately. After putting on your outfit, and doing your hair and makeup as well, you did a final once-over in the mirror, honestly a bit surprised at yourself.

Walking back downstairs, you could tell that Nayoung was still helping your mom in her room, so you looked around instead for Jisung. You saw his dark head of hair sitting on the couch in the living room, and started that way. He turned upon hearing your footsteps, jaw actually dropping when he spotted you.

“You’re going to catch flies like that,” you teased, pushing his chin back up as you stopped in front of him.

He looked up at you with wide eyes instead. “Woah…”

“Good woah?”

Jisung nodded, standing up and offering you a hand. You gently placed yours atop it, and he lifted it to twirl you around, making a giggle bubble out of you.

“Great woah,” he confirmed. “So not fair you look like this for that asshole’s wedding.”

“It’s not for him,” you scoffed. “It’s for me.”

“Still… I think the bride is going to get jealous.”

“Oh my God.” You rolled your eyes, putting your hand over his mouth insistently, despite you being the only person in the house that could hear him. “You’re awful, you know that?”

He was obviously grinning behind your hand, eyes crinkling up with a mischievous twinkle. You sighed and dropped your hand from his mouth.

“So not fair to be that cute when I’m trying to be mad at you,” you huffed, pinching one of his cheeks.

“Ow,” he pouted, covering the reddened skin once you’d let go.

You heard your mom’s bedroom door open, and her and Nayoung came out a moment later. You walked over to give her a hug.

“Mom, that dress is so pretty,” you complimented her.

“Oh, Y/N,” she cupped your cheek. “You look so beautiful, sweetie.”

“You’re really beautiful, Y/N,” Nayoung added quietly.

“Oh, thank you,” you brushed down your outfit. “Thank you for your help, Nayoung. We should be good to go, I think.”

“Yes, yes, we need to get going!” Your mom clapped her hands together. “Don’t want to be late!”

After putting your mom to bed following the reception, you crept out of her room with your heels in hand. Jisung was at the bottom of the stairs, clearly waiting for you. He held his hands out to take your shoes from you, following you upstairs.

“So how was the wedding?” He asked, stopping outside your door to let you get changed inside in peace.

“Oh, it wasn’t bad, actually,” you answered him as you got undressed. “I think everyone was on their best behavior because it was a wedding, you know?”

“That’s good.”

“Seohyuk’s wife is actually really nice,” you informed him, chuckling in disbelief. “I hope he treats her right. And if not, I hope she’s got a good pre-nup.”

“Did your mom have a good time?”

“Oh yeah, she tore up the dance floor.”

“Really?”

“Yup.” Finally in your pajamas, you called out, “You can come in.”

Jisung materialized through the door, and went to put your shoes away for you that he was still holding. “I’m glad you two had a good time.”

“Me too.” You plopped into bed, feeling the exhaustion of the night hitting you all at once. “I’m almost glad that I went.”

“Almost?”

“I’m still thinking about how I could’ve spent all night in my pajamas instead of getting hit on by Seohyuk’s best man.”

“Seriously?”

“Mhm…” You yawned and pulled your blankets up over you as Jisung sat down against the headboard and robotically grabbed the book on the nightstand.

“Was ‘fuck off’ not clear enough for him?”

“Didn’t tell him to fuck off,” you shrugged.

“What?!”

You winced and rubbed your ear. “Loud…”

“Sorry, sorry,” he quieted his voice down again.

“I was bored, and he wasn’t a jerk about it or anything,” you explained simply, closing your eyes and pushing your cheek against your pillow. “Still would’ve rather been here in my pajamas with you, though.”

“Oh. Okay…” Jisung took a deep breath, opening the book up to pick up where he’d left off in the story.

You were putting leftovers from dinner away some nights later as Hyesoo dispensed your mom’s medications for the upcoming week. You knew your worry was written all over your face. Your mom had been having so many good days—so many lucid days—lately, but today was bad. She asked you why you weren’t at school multiple times, refused to eat, and had another fit over the house being haunted. You were putting her plate of food away right now, entirely untouched.

“It was stupid,” you sighed. “For me to think she was getting better. I know her diagnosis—she’s only going to get worse.”

“There will be ups and downs, Y/N,” the aide reminded you gently. “The important thing is to not blame yourself for any of it.”

You sighed. “You’re right. Thanks, Hyesoo.”

“You don’t have work to do after this, do you?”

“A little bit. You’re staying the night, right?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Good, good.”

“You know, I’ve been doing this for a while, dear,” she said kindly, shaking out a few pills. “And while I don’t know everything, I do know you can’t run yourself into the ground trying to take care of them. Or else there will be nothing left of you, and then how will you take care of her?”

“I know, it was hard to focus on work today, that’s all.”

“I mean—I’ve been with you all for some time now, and when was the last time you hung out with your own friends? Or went on a date? You’re a beautiful young lady, you’re doing the world a disservice staying cooped up in here all the time.”

You laughed and shook your head. “Really—”

“I’m being serious! Just think about it, dear. I promise, taking some time to keep living your life now won’t be the end of the world. This way, you’ll have a support system when you need it.”

You nodded in understanding, putting the leftovers away with robotic movements as your brain continued turning over her words.

Just about a week after that conversation with Hyesoo and you were fixing your hair in the mirror when a gentle knock came at your bedroom door. You called out to the person as you continued messing with your hair. “Come in!”

Jisung phased through your door. “Dinner’s ready, are you—”

He stopped his words as he seemed to take in what you were wearing, tilting his head with a curious frown. “You got changed?”

“I’m going out for dinner,” you told him, leaning over to focus on putting your earrings in.

“Out? Like, a work thing?”

“No, I’ve got a date.”

“What? With who?” He sputtered, then collected himself a little. “I mean—This is the first I’ve heard of it. How did you meet them?”

“His name’s Dongmin. I met him at the wedding last week.”

“Wait, don’t tell me he’s the best man you were talking about?”

“He gave me his number.” You shrugged. “So?”

“I thought you didn’t even like him?”

“What does it matter to you?” You crossed your arms.

“What do you—? Of course I care if you’re going on a date with some creepy guy who you don’t like.” Jisung ran a hand through his hair.

“I reached out to him, Jisung.” You didn’t know why you were getting so defensive, why you felt so on edge at the moment.

He crossed his arms. “Why did you hide it from me?”

“I didn’t hide it from you,” you scoffed. “I don’t have to tell you everything.”

“Yeah, but this is—”

“What? This is what?”

He held his hands up in surrender, looking away from you. “Never mind. Hope you have fun.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t passive aggressive,” you snorted, grabbing your phone. “You’re just pissed because I’m the only person you can talk to all day but I get to actually leave this stupid house and hang out with people other than you.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Jisung glared back at you, raising his voice to match yours. It was quite possibly the most venomous you’d heard the normally soft-spoken ghost be towards you. “You leave the house all the time, you always talk to your mom or her aides. I don’t give a shit.”

You checked the time on your phone, setting your jaw. “I need to go. I don’t have time for you to keep avoiding what you’re actually trying to say.”

“Oh, right, I’m the only one avoiding,” he retorted sarcastically.

“Lalala! Not listening! Too busy avoiding!” You said in a purposefully childish, loud, and sing-songy voice, plugging one ear as you threw your door open and slammed it shut behind you.

The lights in the house were dark when you got back. Good, you didn’t want to face Hyesoo like this. It was already going to be bad enough risking running into Jisung. Hopefully he was still pissed at you and would stay scarce. Taking a deep breath to dampen your sobs for a few moments, you unlocked the front door and opened it as quietly as you could. No paranormal force on the other side opened it for you this time. Hyesoo’s light snores could be heard from the living room, but other than the sleeping aide, the house was eerily silent. You locked up behind you and started up the stairs, but couldn’t even bring yourself to make it all the way to your room. You all but collapsed at the top step, letting your tears stream freely again as you cried quietly into your hands, hunched over your knees.

That was a fucking disaster.

“Y/N?”

You opened your eyes back up at the soft, familiar voice. Jisung was at the bottom of the stairs, hands in the pockets of his cardigan.

“Oh, Jisung, hey.” You didn’t bother wiping your tears this time as you greeted him. He hesitantly shifted his weight from one foot to another. You patted the spot next to you for him. “Déjà vu, huh?”

He sat down next to you on the top step, deep frown on his features. “What happened?”

“Ugh, guy was an asshole,” you sniffed. “Like, I thought he was really nice and everything, but as soon as he realized I wasn’t going home with him, he turned into a jerk.”

“He didn’t…”

“No, he just said a bunch of rude stuff. Called me a bitch, a whore who was just using him for his money or whatever.”

“Y/N—”

“All that, I didn’t really care about,” you admitted, curling your hands into fists and digging your nails into your palms as his words came back to you. “It was what he said about my mom that really pissed me off. Essentially said I should just put her up in a home and get on with my life. I about threw a punch in the middle of the restaurant.”

Jisung let out a light chuckle at that, but the humor in his features didn’t last long. He scooted closer to you, tentatively wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “I’m sorry it didn’t go well for you.”

You shrugged, leaning against him and resting your head on his shoulder. “I don’t know what I expected, really. He was Seohyuk’s friend, of course he was going to be an asshole.”

Jisung wasn’t warm, but you found his cool embrace comforting enough, the steady pressure of his arm encircling you, his sturdy body supporting you as he let you lean against him.

“I’m sorry, for getting upset at you earlier,” he apologized quietly. “You didn’t have to tell me where you were going, and I shouldn’t have reacted like that.”

“I wasn’t being very fair either,” you replied. “I’m sorry too.”

“But… Why did you go out with that guy? I mean, if he had been nice, would you have… Would he…” Jisung stopped, apparently frustrated at not knowing how to phrase what he wanted to ask. “Why not me? I know that sounds so pathetic, but that’s all I wanted to ask you before.”

You squeezed your eyes shut tighter, biting your bottom lip against the emotions rushing up in your chest at his words. “Jisung…”

“I’m not… imagining all this, right? I mean, there’s something here, Y/N. A-A connection.”

“What kind of relationship can you even have with a ghost?” You asked sadly.

“Maybe the kind you need now.” He grabbed one of your hands, holding it tightly in your laps between you.

“I’m going to get older, Jisung,” you reminded him calmly, despite each word piercing your chest like a knife. “Not to mention—I won’t be here forever. Like, in this house. I don’t own it. I’ll have to leave once she… I’ll have to go. I can’t stay here.”

“Does everything worthwhile in life have to last forever?” He murmured, his voice practically begging now. “Tell me you didn’t think about me while you were on that date…”

Your breath hitched in your throat. “I can’t…”

“You did? Think about me?”

“The whole time,” you admitted. “Even when it was going okay, I was thinking about you.”

“Y/N…”

You looked up from your entwined hands, realizing that you were gripping onto him maybe even harder than he was you. Meeting his dark gaze, you blinked away a few more stray tears.

You finally let out a shaky breath and nodded. “Until it’s over, you and me.”

A smile overtook his features as he rested his forehead against yours. Readjusting your hand to cover the back of his, you moved his index finger to his chest, tracing an X over his heart. Your ghost watched your movements fondly, echoing, “Until it’s over, you and me.”

“Do you have anything left here that’s yours? Hair in a locket under a floorboard or something?” You questioned, looking around your room.

“What? No,” Jisung scoffed.

“Figured I’d ask.”

The two of you were brainstorming. Jisung really wanted to be able to go somewhere out of the house with you, but the best ideas you had of course came from popular ghost media.

“Your stepdad kept a lot of the original house fixtures when he bought it. Maybe one of those,” your ghost suggested.

“I’m not carrying a faucet around in my purse,” you replied frankly. “Not to mention, I’m not allowed to damage the house while I live here. My stepbrothers could sue me for anything that’s not exactly how it was when Hyukjun left it.”

“What about…” Jisung walked through the closed door, and you could hear the squeak of the stairs as he went down them. A few moments later, he went back up them, then came through the door again. He held out something in his closed fist towards you.

You stretched out your hand palm-up, and he opened up his fingers to drop a small piece of metal into it. It had some weight to it, and you turned it over in your hand to get a better look at it. It looked like a knob to a cabinet or drawer, in the shape of an eight-pointed starburst. It wasn’t familiar to you at all, it didn’t look like he had taken it off any place in the house that you could tell.

You looked up at him with a furrowed brow. “Where…?”

“It’s one of the original knobs that was on the cabinets in the kitchen,” he explained. “Your stepdad’s first wife wanted them all replaced when she moved in. He put them in a box in the laundry room closet and they haven’t been touched since. I doubt your stepbrothers even know about them. She probably thought he got rid of them.”

“These were on the cabinets when you lived here?”

“Yep.”

You pocketed the cabinet knob. “Can’t hurt to try.”

Once you’d given your mom and Nayoung your goodbyes, you headed for the front door. Jisung was right behind you, looking positively giddy as he watched you put your shoes on.

Patting your pocket again to reassure yourself that the cabinet knob was in there, you stepped down from the porch and onto the walkway. After nodding politely to a jogger going by, you looked around hesitantly at the empty space on either side of you.

“Jisung?” You said quietly.

“I’m here.” He appeared next to you, beaming down at you. “I’m here.”

The two of you had never gone past the porch swing, not even down to the flowerbeds you had continued to tend to. You grabbed his arm to pull him down with you as you squatted in front of the snapdragons that had just come back into bloom. Pride and bittersweet nostalgia welled up in your chest as you looked at the flowers that used to be Hyukjun’s hobby.

“Do you know the secret with these?” You asked Jisung.

“No?” He replied, tilting his head.

You reached out to gently squeeze the sides of a pink flower, making the dragon’s “mouth” open and close. “You can make their mouths open and shut.”

Jisung watched you fondly, then tried it on another bloom. He giggled. “That’s kind of fun, actually.”

Standing back up, you continued to the end of the house’s short walkway, stopping on the sidewalk.

“This is the furthest I’ve been in… a while,” he said, eyes shining.

“We’re still in the lay lines of the property…” You kept your hopes guarded. “I don’t want to call it a success yet.”

Walking down the sidewalk, you kept your eye on Jisung the further you got from the house, waiting for him to hit some invisible barrier and disappear entirely, or at least flicker or something else to indicate that he was losing his connection to the house. But he looked… normal. Fine.

When you were a full three blocks away from the house, Jisung grabbed your hand, lacing his fingers with yours.

“Would you stop looking at me like I’m going to die again?” He joked.

“Sorry, sorry,” you sighed. “I just… can’t believe it. How do you feel?”

“Fine. Great!” He grinned.

You'd never seen Jisung in direct sunlight before, only ever the lights of the house, sunbeams that filtered in through curtains and windows, or moonlight at night. You were surprised at how… normal he looked. His skin had a lifelike rosy tint to it in places, his hair shone and reflected a dark brown at some angles, and he didn’t have any sort of ghostly pallor to him. The only thing that didn’t change were his eyes, still as dark and enrapturing as ever, his pupils melting into his irises.

“So where are we going?” He asked, swinging your linked hands.

“You’ll see.” You squeezed his hand before letting it go, hearing the sounds of other people around the corner that you were about to turn.

The destination you had in mind wasn’t very far, which was good, because your shoulder was getting tired carrying your tote bag. Veering off the sidewalk at a seemingly random place, you walked through a gap between two bushes. Jisung followed you diligently, keeping whatever questions he had to himself. The path underfoot was overgrown with grass and clover, only a path to a keen observer, or those who already knew it was there.

Finally, you ducked around a large tree and emerged at a clearing in front of a small pond. Jisung looked around in wonder as you proudly put your hands on your hips.

“Hyukjun and I came out here a couple times, when he and my mom first got together,” you explained. “Bonding stuff. I’m happy I remembered where it was.”

“I think…” Jisung slowly turned around in a circle, still taking it all in. “I think my friends and I used to swim here in the summer. And when the pond would freeze in the winter, we’d skate…”

He walked over to the largest tree nearby, fingers tracing over the bark that had endless initials carved in it, until he squatted down by the base. “Yeah. I didn’t recognize the streets when we were walking over here, but…”

You joined him by the tree, watching as he pointed out a cluster of initials, seven in total, ending on PJS. “There you all are,” you said quietly. “I didn’t even know this was here.”

“They’re probably all old men now,” Jisung chuckled, a laugh that you could tell was forced.

You reached for his hand, holding it with both of yours. “It’s okay to be sad that you didn’t get to grow old with your best friends, Jisung. I know you’re the one that passed away, but have you mourned them yet? All your friends and family that you didn’t get to see grow old?”

“Damn it.” He shook his head. “I didn’t want to make you all sad on our first real date.”

“I’m dating a ghost,” you pointed out, running your thumb over the back of his hand. “I think a little doom and gloom comes with the territory.”

“To answer your question, I haven’t thought about it like that,” he sighed. “I always felt bad that I left them, that they had to mourn me. But I never… grieved the fact that I lost them too.”

“I don’t want to make you sad on our date, either,” you panicked a little at the shadow that had fallen over his features, moving to wrap an arm around his shoulders and hug him. “I’m sorry!”

Jisung laughed a real laugh this time, hugging you back. “It’s okay, Y/N. It’s better than feeling guilty for something I had no control over.”

“Well, that’s true.”

“I honestly hadn’t even thought about coming here with them in so long… Really, it’s nice to remember them all again.”

You let go of him to reach into your tote, pulling out the large picnic blanket you’d brought with you. “How about instead of the both of us making each other sad, you tell me a bunch of fun stories about your friends while I enjoy the picnic food I packed?”

He pecked your forehead, taking the blanket from your hand. “Deal.”

The pond had become one of yours and Jisung’s favorite spots to go when you could find time between work and your mom. The two of you could get out of the house together without risking you getting some very strange looks in public. Sometimes you brought a picnic, sometimes books or a crossword puzzle or deck of cards or just laid on your blanket and tried to find shapes in the clouds. Every so often, you’d get someone coming by walking their dog, or a gaggle of kids cutting through from one of their backyards to another, but nobody ever paid you much more attention past a ‘hello’ or ‘lovely afternoon, isn’t it?’

After submitting a big project at work, you finally had some free time again. As long as your mom was having a good day today. She’d been more sensitive to you leaving the house lately on her bad days, and while the aides promised that she always calmed down eventually, you hated causing her so much stress if it was avoidable—errands were one thing, but a date with your ghost boyfriend that already haunted your residence could take a raincheck.

You looked in the living room first, then the dining area and kitchen, and frowned thoughtfully when you couldn’t find your mother and Nayoung. Turning around, you were greeted by Jisung, who pointed to the backyard knowingly.

“They’re in the back drinking lemonade,” he informed you. “She’s having a good day.”

“Oh, good. Thanks, Jisung,” you let out a breath of relief, giving him a kiss on the cheek as you passed by on your way back into the living room.

Opening up the door that led onto the back porch, you immediately spotted your mom and Nayoung sitting beside each other on two rocking chairs, a pitcher of lemonade between them as they overlooked the small backyard. Their conversation stopped when they heard the door open, both of them turning to look at you over their sunglasses.

You held your hands up defensively. “Woah, I feel like I just interrupted something…”

“Yes, you can go, sweetie,” your mom said knowingly.

“What?”

“You finished your work and are checking on me to see if you can go out.” She took a sip of her lemonade, pushing her sunglasses back up and settling back into her chair again. “I’m telling you I’m fine, and you can go.”

“Nayoung?” You turned to the aide. “Everything okay—?”

“We’re fine, Y/N!” Nayoung waved you off with a smile. “Really!”

“Alright, alright.” You surrendered, backing up towards the door again. “I’ll be back before Hyesoo gets here.”

“What day is it, Nayoung?” Your mom asked.

“Wednesday.”

“You know, my memory isn’t the best, remind me, when does Hyesoo stay the night?”

“Mondays and Wednesdays.”

“Hm.” Your mom tsked. “Interesting…”

Nayoung didn’t add anything further, but giggled as she took another sip of her lemonade.

“You two are nuisances,” you scoffed and shook your head, finally heading back inside.

You beelined for your bedroom, finding your ghost already sitting on your bed clearly waiting for you.

“Oh yeah, she’s having a great day,” you snorted in lieu of a greeting, grabbing your usual tote bag. “That new medication her doctor put her on is doing wonders. I might have to have him cut her off.”

“I think she’s a lot of fun,” Jisung snickered. “Earlier, when you were on that work call, she was telling Nayoung about your third-grade science fair—”

“Ahh!” You cut him off by planting two hands over his mouth, eyes going wide with mortification. “Of all the things she remembers, that’s what sticks around?! Are you kidding?”

His shoulders were shaking as he let out muffled laughter behind your hands, and he eventually collapsed backwards onto your bed. Your hands dropped from his face as you stayed upright, allowing his laughs to echo freely in your room.

“If you’re going to keep making fun of me, we’re not going out.” You crossed your arms. “I’ll bury your cabinet knobs in the backyard, and your soul will really be stuck here forever.”

“You’ve got to stop being so cute when you pout, and I’ll stop teasing you.” He was still chuckling as he sat up and reached for you with two hands. With an eyeroll, you let him pull you into his lap and wrap his arms around your waist.

“This isn’t fair, I can’t find out embarrassing stuff about you unless you tell me,” you huffed, well aware you that you were still pouting.

“I always answer your questions. You just don’t ask me that stuff.”

“Well now I will.”

“Anything else you need to pout about?”

You let out a deep breath, your face relaxing a little bit. “No. Done for now I think.”

He cupped your cheek, leaning in to press his mouth to yours. Like everything else, Jisung’s lips were cool as they meshed with yours. Not uncomfortably so, he wasn’t quite an icicle, just unlike any human you’d kissed before. You put your hand over his on your cheek, remembering when even that used to be a far-away impossibility.

You left him with one more kiss on the tip of his nose before asking, “Are you ready to go? Mom and Nayoung gave me the okay.”

He started playing with your fingers, eyes focused downwards as he spoke. “I actually wanted to ask if we could maybe go somewhere else today?”

“Sure. Where were you thinking?”

“I don’t want to be a bummer or anything but…”

“What is it?”

His throat bobbed up and down as he swallowed. “You wrote down the cemetery, right? When you went to library and looked up the genealogies and stuff about me. You said you wrote down where my parents buried me?”

“Yeah, I still have it,” you confirmed, cradling the back of his head as you patiently waited for him to finish asking what you knew he wanted to ask you.

It took him a few inhales and exhales to ask, “Can we go?”

“Of course.”

This was officially the furthest you and Jisung had gone from the house together. He’d gone with you on errands a couple times before—the post office, library, things within walking distance—but you had to get on a train for this. You were a little nervous that he might not be able to go this far, even with the cabinet knob safely tied onto a leather cord and tucked under your shirt. So far, the only limit you’d discovered to his leaving the house was time—six hours or so seemed to be the magic number. You’d found that out on a particularly lazy day, when you were looking up at clouds together and suddenly his lap disappeared from beneath your head. He’d apparently popped back up in the foyer with the first headache he’d experienced in decades. Since then, you’d been more careful to keep an eye on the time when you brought him with you.

But he sat comfortably through the whole ten-minute train ride at your side as if he were any other passenger. The car that you were in wasn’t full, meaning that you had a row to yourself, leaving an empty seat next to you for Jisung. After arriving at your stop, you had another five-minute walk until you finally arrived at the cemetery.

“This is where my parents are from,” Jisung stated as you passed under the metal archway at the entrance. “That’s probably why they didn’t choose somewhere back in town.”

A winding path went through the center of the land, smaller pathways breaking off into other areas. It was a big cemetery, gently rolling hills dotted with headstones, grave markers, elegantly carved statues, all sorts of tributes to loved ones. The two of you took a meandering pace, eyes scanning all the names for just one. You looked around the property warily, now extra aware of being a public nuisance somewhere so sacred. You especially didn’t want to risk disturbing any mourners who might be here. But you couldn’t spot anybody except yourself and Jisung, maybe because it was the middle of the day in the middle of the work week.

“There,” Jisung announced, his gaze locked on something in the distance, while you had been looking at markers much closer. He grabbed your hand and pulled you with him as he rushed across the cemetery.

You stopped in front of a simply shaped granite headstone with a carved border. The name at the top read ‘PARK JISUNG’ and under it, a birthdate and death date that were familiar to you. It was the epitaph that was new to you, however.

‘THERE WILL ALWAYS BE LOVE

CROSS OUR HEARTS’

Jisung reached a finger out, tracing over each letter in ‘LOVE.’ He said, “I always wanted to know what they wrote. What they said about me. How they wanted to remember me forever.”

“It’s lovely. They love you a lot,” you replied quietly, resting a hand on his back.

He looked over at you hopefully. “You’re talking in present tense. Are they…?”

“The records I looked at didn’t list them as deceased when I was looking for information about you, but I don’t know how often it’s updated,” you informed him. “I didn’t look any further into them, I was only trying to find out what happened to you.”

“Do you think two more headstones could fit there?” He gestured to the empty space beside his own.

You took the seemingly random question in stride, genuinely contemplating it. “Probably, yeah. Or one big one would fit better, like the couples that get buried together.”

Jisung had a satisfied smile on his face as he nodded. “Yeah, one big one. That’s it.”

It dawned on you then what he was thinking—his parents had most likely reserved the plot next to his for themselves once they passed, and since it was still empty, they were still alive.

“Thank you.” He took your hand, lacing your fingers together. “For coming out here with me. This must be the weirdest date you’ve been on.”

“Visiting my boyfriend’s own grave with him?” You tilted your head back and forth contemplatively, a teasing lilt in your tone. “Mm, yeah, definitely up there. But I’m glad that you wanted to do this with me, Jisung. I can’t imagine what this feels like for you.”

“I’m ready to go,” he declared, looking up at the blue sky above you. “It’s such a nice day, isn’t it?”

“It is,” you agreed, fondly admiring his little one-eyed squint against the sunlight.

Back home that night, you shook one of your sleeping meds from the bottle, setting it down on your nightstand as you went about getting ready for bed. Your ghost was already sat against the headboard, his legs covered by your blankets, hands folded over the book in his lap as he waited for you. Finally ready, you knocked back the tablet with a gulp of water and climbed under your covers. Jisung rested one hand on your head, thumb stroking over your forehead, but after an abnormally long period of silence, you opened one eye to peer up at him.

He was just gazing down at you tenderly, and you fought the instinct to cover your face, instead reaching over to tap the cover of his closed book.

“Aren’t you supposed to be doing something?” You complained in jest.

“Sorry, I was just thinking,” he responded, still not moving to open the book.

“What about?”

“My epitaph. ‘There will always be love.’”

“It’s nice.” You bit back a yawn.

“Yeah. I was thinking about how they probably meant it like their love for me will persist, and proof that I was here and was loved and loved others when I was alive will persist.”

“I like that, Jisung. I think that’s what they meant.”

“And… there was no way they could’ve known this when they picked it, but I was thinking…” Your ghost paused, dark eyes enrapturing you in that moment that you didn’t even think about breathing. “About how even after I died, you somehow found me.”

You grabbed the book from his lap, reaching behind you to blindly put it on your nightstand. Jisung immediately understood, turning his lamp off and leaving the room in darkness as he slipped the rest of the way under the covers. You buried your face in his neck, tangling your fingers in the hair at the back of his head as you simultaneously pressed yourself into him and pulled him as close as possible. He wrapped his arms around you tightly, digging his fingers into you hard enough to make you feel real, which you were glad for.

“I’m going to bring you with me,” you choked out past the tears rising in your eyes. “When it’s time for me to leave. I’ll bring all the cabinet knobs, a chunk of the foundation, whatever will make it work. Fuck my stepbrothers—I’ll pay whatever damages. If you want—”

“Of course I do.” He didn’t even let you finish that thought, and you could hear the tremble in his voice. “But we’ve never been able to get around the time…”

“I’ll figure it out for us, Jisung.” You pulled back just enough to show him as you drew an X over the left side of your chest. “Cross my heart.”

He took your hand from your heart, kissing the back of your fingers tenderly. “We knew it was going to be like this. We promised.”

“We said ‘until it’s over,’” you argued. “I don’t want it to be over yet.”

“It’s not,” he agreed. “But I don’t think it’ll be our choice when it is. Not everything worthwhile has to last forever.”

“Jisung—”

“We’ll try everything,” he assured you, squeezing your hand. “I’m not giving up on you, Y/N. You and me, until you hand the keys over and close the front door behind you.”

“You’ll be coming with me when I do that, Park Jisung,” you declared, your voice cracking over his name.

He wrapped both arms around you again, tucking you under his chin. “Of course.”

⤷ sequel | masterlist

[moononmyfloor]

Dashing Youth Ep 15-16: Master Li

So I have some thoughts about Master Li and need to compile them, please note that I have only seen BoY and all the available eps of Dashing Youth, but none of the donghuas or the novels. This commentary is purely based on the observations from the drama, I might change my thoughts in the future and those who know the canon, please don't spoil me on his character arc!

I actually "love" Master Li's character, as in I really appreciate seeing a properly done grey character. Actual morally ambiguous characters are quite hard to come by.

He's all fun and games and nice and kind, but only if he feels like it.

He explicitly stated he doesn't give a damn if the kids who are participating in the entrance exam for his school are in mortal danger, he doesn't really care if unauthorised people infiltrated the premises because such is the nature of martial arts world anyway.

Like, wow.

He couldn't care less when two students dissappeared right in front of his eyes, and the only reason he waited for Ye Dingzhi was because Dongjun wanted to wait, and he wanted Dongjun, because Dongjun was a student who wasn't grovelling at the feet of him in respect and that piqued his attention. (His older students have repeatedly commented on this before, that the Master only keeps intriguing disciples and not necessarily the most talented. And he especially seem to like kids who don't give him much importance, such as Xie Xuan, because it makes him go like: How? Why?)

Upon finding about Dingzhi's identity, I feel like he decided to help safely escort Dingzhi out of the city not because he really cared for the kid, but because he wanted to reassure Dongjun and keep him away from the trouble plus if Dingzhi was captured, the unrest from years ago might potentially repeat and that would be headache-inducing.

When he told Dingzhi that he should be stronger and return to save Wenjun, it WAS the truth, yes. But did he necessarily wanted the poor girl to be saved? I don't think so. He just wanted to convince Dingzhi to leave and Wenjun to let Dingzhi go. (And not to mention just how borderline creepy and unempathetic it was of him to circle around that imprisoned young girl and say "I can see why men thirst over you, if I was 100 yrs younger I'd be the same.")

When Dingzhi and Dongjun had their reunion and were spouting promises of youthful optimism and future heroisms, he stood by side shaking his head about the pointless sentimentality.

When Dongjun was asking Lei Mengsha why Shifu was always busy doing this and that and not teaching him, Lei Mengsha answered that you learn things on your own, by being your shifu he only bestowed you the privilege of being able to boast that you were his apprentice in the future, it was simply the cherry on the top to this character's design.

That last scene in ep 16 was

A

M

A

Z

I

N

G

But you basically sealed the fate of martial artists with that hubris 🥲 It was badass but incredibly unwise. You angered the Emperor and now the future generation will have to deal with the repercussions.

He's not your quirky fun grandpa who will always have your back when you are in danger. He's a bored af immortal who's humanity and heart is slowly eroding away and will only help you not really out of kindness but because he thought you were amusing enough. Jeebus. And this actor plays him to a tee, unassuming sagely old man at first glance, apathetic and insufferable on closer inspection.

In fact, it was sad to see how these young martial artists, full of hopes for adventurous futures do not have any adult who actually care about their troubles (Dongjun does, but they are back at home. Changfeng's shifu is lovely but he's a recluse), except for those who find they are amusing/want to use them for their own agendas. The only people who care are some more kids who are only a little bit more older than them. 🫠

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook

𝓣𝓪𝓴𝓮 𝓒𝓪𝓻𝓮 : Unsaid Rules

There's forbidden words in the hospital that you're simply not allowed to say. But some people just can't keep their mouths shut, it seems like.

Tags/Warnings: Hospital/Medical AU, Doctor!Jungkook, slightly aged up!Jungkook, Doctor!Yoongi, Nurse!Jimin, Doctor!Namjoon, mentions of Doctor!Hoseok, Paramedic!Jin, blood, medical terms, hospital stuff come on this is a medical au, somewhat of an intro to everything really

Length: 3k words

A/N: Please do not come for my throat if some stuff doesn't make sense. I've tried hard, but I'm not a doctor, and so none of this should be taken too seriously. Treat it like a medical drama. Those ain't real either haha

-> Masterlist

⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅

"Alright!" Jungkook greets everyone in his department, walking around to find all computer screens dark. "What's going on here?" He asks, tapping at the keyboard- but nothing springs to life.

"Jimin jinxed the shift about half an hour ago." Namjoon, an emergency physician and also best friend of Jungkook's, sighs. "Said the 'Q-word', now all the computers down here and in pediatrics' crashed. They've sent someone out already though." He explains.

"Oh come on now-" Jungkook whines. "-three weeks leave and you come back and drop something like this? Go back to where you came from!" He jokingly curses at his friend, who just rolls his eyes.

"Don't you have to be in your own department, Doctor Jeon?" He asks playfully sarcastic, making his friend laugh, as he grabs his water bottle and some files, before he does just that.

Jungkook has been working in the hybrid care department for almost five whole years at this point. He's one of only a few specialists in the country- making his department pretty busy most of the time. But he doesn't mind it- he's studied his ass off for a reason, pursued this career because he truly wanted it. So in a way, he's proud to be the one many people trust in.

He greets fellow members of staff- some he knows, other's he's not too familiar with, before he finally enters the familiar hallways, starting his day.

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When Jungkook was still in school, he didn't have any ambitions at all.

He's not the kind of doctor who always wanted to be one ever since he was a kid- in fact, quite the opposite. He remembers his mother always telling him how terrified he was as a child to have to go to a doctor, even if it was just for a regular check up, or flu shot. It scared him, the needles and strange people and noises- but by now, they've become normal, routing, comforting even in certain cases.

At the beginning, he wanted to be a pediatrician. Work with kids, cause that seemed to be the easiest for him back then. But then, things changed.

He changed.

Watching someone die in front of you can be life changing- sometimes just a moment, but other times for your entire future as well. He remembers the young cat hybrid playing with him, without a care in the world. They were both not even fifteen when the young boy suddenly fell, for no apparent reason, and never woke up. He'd seen him be worked on, watched from the sidelines, frozen in place. Could he have done something?

In hindsight, he knows there was really nothing he could've done to prevent things from happening. It wasn't his fault- but simply a problem in the system, back then.

Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome had been, and is still, not something entirely uncommon in human children, hybrids, and even more common in infant hybrids than anyone else. Untreated heart arrhythmia, combined with a change in blood pressure, rush of adrenaline, or even just sleep- things he now knows, but back then, had been absolute horror to him.

To imagine that the young boy simply died because people didn't check properly still hangs heavy on his mind.

It's why he chose to study them, instead of work at his father's restaurant. Chose to be different, make a change, even if it's just a drop in a bucket not even halfway filled. He's not going to simply shrug his shoulders when he can't find a reason for someone being sick. He's not going to be told that he simply didn't do his work properly.

He's one of the most active doctors around. Has inspired some others to be more on-patient as well. And it fills him with pride, knowing that he can influence the hospital staff in that way.

"Ah, there you are." A doctor with a grim expression calls out, grabbing his coat. "Was just looking for you. I've got the CT back for the otter hybrid in 210." He says, holding some papers out for him to check out. "It's not conclusive, but considering that she's never had it happen before, I'd agree with you on encephalitis, honestly. Temperature's been climbing steadily, and nurses said she's complaining of stomach pain too." He nods. "Though I want to see her personally together with you, if you've got time." The man asks, and Jungkook nods.

"Of course. You know I trust you most with things like this." He nods, walking to the room in question with his friend next to him.

Min Yoongi is his name, and most of the staff around here don't like him all that much.

Mostly because the neurologist barks demands and commands around like a testosterone filled wolf hybrid, and walks around as if someone had pissed bladder stones in his iced americano he drinks every hour of the day. Only the people who witness him talk to the hybrids and younger patients around know, that there's a lot more to the medical professional than he lets on.

And he's also great with the angry drunk people- because what he lacks in height, he makes up for in scary when he wants to.

"Hello there!" Jungkook chimes up at the young otter hybrid in question sitting on her bed, monitors beeping in rhythm as they approach her- her owner sitting close by. "Do you remember me?" Jungkook asks, while the nurse adjusts the drip of medication on the side. The hybrid shakes her head, before she looks around again- sometimes staring in interest at the other, shorter doctor next to Jungkook. "No? That's okay." He chuckles, walking closer with his friend and colleague in tow, who takes out a pen with a light on the other end. "My friend here is a bit quiet just like you are, but I heard you can call him Yoongi if you want." He chuckles, making the doctor roll his eyes at the common joke Jungkook tends to make.

"Just look at me for a moment, alright?" Yoongi questions, trying to grab the hybrid's attention. "I know he's handsome but I'm not too bad either, am I?" He jokes, making the other hybrid smile a bit shyly as she nods. It makes him smile as well, as he checks the pupil's reaction, satisfied with his results before he turns the light off, tucks the pen away in his front pocket. "Can you tell me what day we have?" He asks.

"…monday." The meek hybrid answers, looking at Jungkook with her big brown eyes. They remind him of his own, back when he was a kid.

"Monday, alright." Yoongi nods to himself. "Do you know where you are?" He questions further, owner scooting a bit closer as he watches everything with a nurturing gaze.

"Home?" The otter answers a little unsure, before something near the window grabs her attention. "Birds." She chimes up, and Yoongi chuckles a little.

"I know, there's a lot outside there, hm?" He nods, before he tabs her leg to gain her gaze back. "Can you tell me your name? You've not introduced yourself yet." He asks, hunching a bit over to make himself less of a threat. Though, it's clear that the hybrid patient has got no fear really.

"…Min?" she asks, pointing at his name embroidered into his coat. Yoongi nods.

"Hm, disoriented in time, place and person." He tells the nurse he's noticed come in behind him, voice a lot more authorative and deep as he talks to the staff. He knows the young student doesn't mind. He shouldn't, really. 'you're still too soft for the real deal', he'd told him only yesterday after the poor guy had been found crying outside the hospital after witnessing his first cardiac arrest. 'Don't take it home.' he'd patted his shoulder- a rare gesture of compassion, before he'd left the young student by himself.

They both excuse themselves for a moment, Yoongi scratching the back of his head before he puts his head in his pockets. "Blood test?" He asks, and Jungkook shrugs.

"Didn't get it back yet- the lab computers crashed, because Jimin said the Q-word this morning." He chuckles, crossing his arms. "But they should come in any minute, same as urine."

"I'd still like to take her for an EEG, just to make sure." Yoongi nods to himself, grabbing his little pager that starts to chime obnoxiously. "I'm wanted in majors right now, but I'll tell them to schedule it." The neurologist tells his coworker, already walking off- and Jungkook nods, shouts a thank-you after him, before he enters the room again to give the owner the proper updates.

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A few days later, Jungkook is getting ready for his twelve-hour shift at the emergency department, rolling up the sleeves of his shirt when he hears the familiar shuffling of his best friend's slides on the smooth hospital floor coming closer.

"Alright park-" Yoongi walks in, making the nurse in question snap his head around at the sound of his voice. "-you're stuck with me for the next 12 hours, and if I hear you drop that Q-word one fucking time I swear to god I'll piss in your energy drink the moment you're not looking." He threatens, making Jungkook chuckle as he clips on his nametag, and checks for his ID card and other necessities he will need.

"It slipped out okay?!" Jimin whines, though everyone knows he did it on purpose.

Jimin is a senior nurse- and very good at his job. Even if everyone jokes around with him, he's still a person of authority, and even people like Min Yoongi respect him for his work a lot. He pulls a huge weight after all, working almost always in the emergency department by choice, a very compassionate person with deep care for every patient that comes in.

"Alright, I'll go try and get myself some coffee-" Jungkook starts, when suddenly, a voice rings out.

"Adult male hybrid trauma in 10, Adult male hybrid trauma in 10."- and everyone looks at the doctor with sympathy, Yoongi patting his back as he walks by.

"Seems like your caffeine has to wait, kid." He jokes, as Jungkook throws his head back. The moment of rare playfulness with the man lasts for a moment, before he turns around to write something down. "I don't know if you've all forgotten that ten stands for ten minutes and you've wasted two of them already, but if you don't want me to remove all chairs here again-" He threatens, finishing his writing, "-I better see you all on your feet before the time left hits 7." The doctor scolds, forcing everyone to scramble and get everything in order and ready for the arrival of the call.

Everyone's now getting ready when the door opens, paramedics entering with the patient, rolling the young man into the spot the medical staff want him- or rather, where Namjoon, the leading emergency doctor, had said he will want him. He'd just started his shift as well, having only really had time to wash his hands and get a bit of info on what's to come, as he now get's filled in by the paramedic.

"So his name is Hajoon, 22 year old canine hybrid, owner has called after he's been hit by a bus." The man offers, while everyone else starts assessing him. "No visible head injuries, no disorientation whatsoever, was conscious at scene but has drifted off a little from the medication we've given." Yoongi stands by closely, listening to everything with a serious face. "Definite pelvis fracture and broken humerus, full sensation and ability to move the lower arm, hand and fingers so no apparent nerve injury." The man with the name tag 'Kim Seokjin' reads all the medication given from his clipboard, filling everyone in on what's happened until now. "He's usually a very active and healthy guy, no underlining health issues whatsoever, vaccines are all up to date, and owner is on it's way as we speak." He finishes, and Namjoon nods, having soaked up all the information flowing around while everyone else does what they can.

"Alright let's send him out for CT right away to check for any internal injuries and to catch a good look at the fractures, and I want a Hybrid Special's to look at him right after. Until then we'll lower down the medications to get him conscious again, We can switch to something else regarding the pain later but I want him up and alert, the faster the better." Namjoon calls out, and everyone moves to do what's been told.

Jungkook is watching from the sidelines for now, waiting for the first scuffle to clear up as the young man is being cared for.

"Haven't seen each other in a while." Seokjin says from the side with a soft smile, washing his hands after he'd given his notes to the younger doctor. "Hope your break has been good."

"Yeah well, you know me." Jungkook offers kindly, looking through the patient's records. "Can't really keep still for long. Was he actually fully conscious when you guys got to him?" The young doctor wonders, and Seokjin nods.

"Was pretty surprised. He was folded like a pretzel, obviously complaining, but entirely alert." He shakes his head. "It's surprising what they can endure, really." He chats, before he gets ready to leave again, saying goodbyes.

Jungkook knows that he'll see him again sooner than he'd like to, probably.

"Doctor Jeon?" Jimin chimes playfully after a while of calm in the emergency room, and Jungkook looks up from the clipboard, already used to the older one's antics. "Namjoon wants you to check out the CT upstairs." He informs him, and Jungkook nods, making his way to the proper department, greeting some staff on his way before he enters the room.

"Ah, Jungkook. Here, you might wanna see this." He says, letting the young doctor walk closer to check out the scan images.

Jungkook can't help but shake his head. "Well that's gonna be fun to put back together." Jungkook snorts to himself. "Hoseok's gonna have the time of his life pulling that one off."

"Well he always brags how good he is-" Namjoon shrugs, crossing his arms. "So he'll have more to show off if he gets that boy up and running again." He jokes, before they pull him back out and into the hallway. It's on the way back when the young man starts to move, eyeing his surroundings as he becomes conscious again. "Oh- hello there, please stay like this okay? You're fine." Namjoon immediately reassures. "My name is Doctor Kim I'm a doctor at Seoul Central Hospital, do you know what happened to you? He asks, and the young man nods, groaning a bit in pain.

"Let's give him some pain relief but please don't knock him out again okay?" Namjoon suggests, while Jungkook looks over the young man, instantly in work-mode as he looks out for any potential signs that his situation could slip to the worse. "Jungkook can you ask someone to fetch Hoseok for me please? I want him to schedule surgery asap." He says, and Jungkook nods, already off to find a nurse.

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Jungkook can sometimes be seen as scarier looking than he is.

He's got a pretty muscular body, tattoos he knows the hospital only tolerates because he's the only specialist they got their hands on, and piercings as well. He also tends to not wear his doctor's coat all that much- rather dressed in casual-formal wear, sleeves rolled up and nametag stuck to his front shirt pocket. Not to be a rebel- but because it makes people feel a bit more at ease with him, especially the hybrids who tend to be easily frightened and withdrawn in hospitals.

"Hey, before I go-" Jungkook says, walking past Jimin who's also ready to end his shift. "-do you know what happened to the canine hybrid from this morning? Hajoon, wasn't it?" He asks, and Jimin lights up, nodding.

"Was confused for quite a while, but after Yoongi had worked his magic with him, he finally responded to everything." He chuckles. With 'working his magic', he's talking about Yoongi's rather.. commanding tone of voice, something he does often when he notices a patient being capable of responding, but simply too 'lazy' to do so. It can come off as a bit harsh sometimes, but he means well- and after his words had found listening ears, it had reassured everyone including the rather distressed elderly owner in her chair at the side. "Here, let me pull up…" Jimin says, typing some things on the computer, before he pulls up some x-ray images. "Look at that!" He laughs, and Jungkook shakes his head in disbelief.

"And he's gonna be all good?" He asks, Jimin nodding in response.

"Hoseok said he's probably going to walk again just fine in a few months. And he'll have a pretty interesting story to tell every time he gets screened at the airport from now on." The nurse jokes, making Jungkook laugh. "Oh, and I heard Yunhee was discharged today, wasn't she?" He asks about the otter hybrid who had, indeed, caught encephalitis- an infection affecting the brain.

"Yeah- pretty much demanded I'd get Yoongi though so she could give him a goodbye-hug." He chuckles, and Jimin puts his hand to his heart.

"I wish he would give me a hug too!" He complains, and both laugh, very much aware that that will probably never happen at all with the rather stoic and withdrawn neurologist. And with the reassurance that today, he's been able to help save a life yet again, Jungkook walks into the staff room; takes off his nametag, puts on his jacket, his shoes-

waving everyone goodbye, after an exhausting twelve hour shift.

Just to do it all over again the next week rolls around.

[notfreetoday]

MPW Ep 3 Subtitle Corrections

EP 1 || EP 2 Cultural/Language Tidbits: EP 2

Same translation disclaimer applies. Thanks again for indulging my crazy long t/n, please keep geeking out with me in the notes!

We've got a change of director this episode - to Funabiki Shinju (twitter linked here) who was the scriptwriter for Jack Frost. This date is also a drama-only episode and does not appear in the manga. So, we have quite a few ad-libs here! I'll point out these out, as well as any interesting comments by the director and the producer from the Ep 3 twitter space as we go on. (Due to tumblr's image space limitations, some of these scenes will have no pics, just a description)

Ep 3, let's go! (If you read nothing in this post, please just read Yoh's monologue)

Since this is the theme of this episode, and Yoh's favourite word, let's talk a little more about it. I've mentioned it previously, but both "嫌い (kirai)" and "大嫌い (dai kirai)" are often translated as "hate/really hate", when they really function more as the opposite of "(suki)", ie "to like". That said, the amount of emotional weight this word carries depends on the context. It can accurately convey the pain/anger of hating someone, but it can also be used very mildly. For eg, it's often used by kids in the "I hate homework/vegetables/the rain/etc" form, or by teens/young adults in the "I don't want everyone to hate me" form, as opposed to other synonyms. When introducing yourself/getting to know someone, it's not uncommon to be asked "what are your suki/kirai?"

In other words, overuse of this word can actually come off as slightly childish, because kids/young people are usually the ones using this word to reject small things/express themselves. Yoh's constant insistence that he hates Segasaki pretty much sounds like this - which is why Man-san expresses doubt about it, and why when Segasaki repeats this line back to Yoh, Yoh understands that Segasaki is teasing him. (The word "love" is considered too heavy and precious of a concept to be thrown around easily, so "suki" is the default go to even in committed relationships.)

Y: 相変わらずすごいよ、この人の外面モード。 Y: As always, this person's "public mode" is amazing.

"外面 (soto zura)" literally refers to the "outside face", and when used to describe a person means someone who puts up a certain personality/attitude depending on who they're speaking to/the situation.

The reason Yoh's saying this is because Segasaki is speaking to him in a much nicer way than he usually does at home 🤣He's using plain forms yes, but he's also praising him and smiling at him and actually saying a whole, proper sentence as opposed to the one-word sickness he has at home🤣 This is most obvious right before Segasaki leaves, when he warns Yoh to be careful when drawing other people - he says "気をつけてね~ (ki o tsukete ne~)", ending with a ne~ which is sweet and cute and which he almost never does with Yoh at home 🤣🤣

Twitter Space Note (TSN): They decided that since they finally got to shoot an "outdoor scene" for Yoh, they'd try to make him look a little more fashionable with a shirt instead of a hoodie 🤣

Y: いってらっしゃい Y: Itterasshai - this is a standard greeting that you say when someone is leaving the house (or the office, if they're going out on a business errand). Basically, the one leaving says "ittekimasu" and the one staying behind says "itterasshai". They mean "(I'll) go and come back/Go safely and return well" When returning, you say "tadaima" and the one welcoming you back says "okaerinasai" meaning: "(I have) just now (returned)/ (you have) returned safely". Unlike Yoh, Segasaki does none of these standard greetings (which Yoh complained about in Ep 1 whilst chopping onions).

Y: だからね、気持ちが通じ合った*っていう描写が必要だと思うんだよおれは Y: だからこそ、体が盛り上がる**、的な？ M: はーん。中高生処女みたいなこといってろ Original: Y: That's why I think it's necessary to depict the feeling of "mutual understanding" Y: That's how the physical aspect also gets exciting... or something like that? M: Hmm.. talking about it like a high school virgin, huh? Mine: Y: So that's why, I think it's important - showing that (the characters') have this unspoken understanding* of each other's feelings. Y: It's precisely because of that, that you get physically excited** - something like that? M: Mm.... you're saying things a high-school virgin would say **体が盛り上がる - literally, "the body gets excited/heated up/lively etc" - given that they are talking about erotica, he probably means physically aroused here, but this term also works to explain the feeling of excitement or emotion just swelling in your chest for eg *通じ合った - is not just "mutual understanding" - it specifically refers to a situation in which both parties understand each other without having to say a word - like when you look at someone and just get them, or like in sports, you just look at your team mate and you know.

This is an important distinction because in this line, Yoh again emphasizes "I" - at the end of the sentence he ends off with the pronoun "俺 (ore)" marked by the subject particle "は (wa)" - which means that in this sentence Yoh is emphasizing that this is his opinion - that he himself thinks it's important to show that 2 people simply get each other, because that's exactly what translates to that sensation you feel in your body. This is what Yoh wants - he wants to understand Segasaki, and he wants Segasaki to understand him, without them having to actually say anything. Which at the moment, only Segasaki is achieving, ironically.

[ Man-san's dialogue, where she says "a sex scene follows]

TSN: Man-san actually only says “se-“ here, and then mutes herself (because they’re in public). In the script, it was supposed to be the full “sex” word, but they weren't sure whether it would be ok (it's not clear whether they mean ok for the actress to say this or ok for the show in general) so in the end it became "se-". Yes it's an odd place to be concerned about given the whole Ep2 but #Japan

Again, the word here used is “kirai” but translated as “dislike” instead of hate 😉

TSN: Between this scene and the start of the next scene, they praised how Acchan uses his eyes to convey Yoh's dejection and how he expresses Yoh's emotions very sensitively through his gaze (and I agree!)

TSN: The director mentioned that she had thought it would look good if Segasaki to put his hand up like this on the ceiling partition, but the moment Kouhei walked in, he just did it naturally without her having to say anything, and so she was really amazed.

S: じゃ、出かけるぞ (Jya, dekakeru zo) S: Then, we’re going out.

“Let’s go out” would be more of "じゃ、でかけましょう (Jya, dekakemashou)" – by using the ending form “(-ma)shou”, the listener is included in the action of going out as an equal to the speaker, the same way “let’s” is used in English. It is by far the most common way Japanese people make a statement without trying to sound too overbearing. But here, Segasaki once again demonstrates his habit of simply stating what they’re going to do, and speaking for Yoh. The sentence-final particle “zo” at the end of his sentence is an assertive one that doesn’t leave much room for argument.

TSN: Again they talked about how they emphasised to Acchan to do the housework improperly, since Yoh isn't supposed to be good at it. Also, when Yoh thinks, "what's with this, all of a sudden?", the director asked that he move his hands "more" as he folded the clothes, like he was still happy to be asked out.

Y: デート自体ないんだよ Y: I’ve never even been on a date.

Y: 俺、いま一体何してんだろう Y: What am I even doing right now?

Yoh’s not wondering what they’re doing, he’s questioning his own actions, like "why am I even here, doing this, what am I supposed to do" etc, because you know, he's never even been on a date before and he has no clue whether this actually is one.

[The scene with the 2 of them on the bench, and Segasaki asks Yoh what he'd like to eat]

TSN: The script only went up to Yoh answering that he wanted to eat “Chinese food”, and this whole bit afterward just happened naturally when they let the camera run.

Yoh says “たっか(taka)!” which is short for “高い(takai)” aka ��expensive!” but his voice is so cute here I’m dying. (It really is bloody expensive, these things are usually anywhere between 180 yen – 300 yen pre-pandemic. Even with the big one they have here, I don’t think anyone would sell this above 500 yen)

TSN: They said they searched for a 1200 yen steamed pork bun but couldn’t find one, and in actuality the store sells them at a really reasonable price, so to please go give it a try 🤣🤣

[The scene of them walking and sharing the chicken cutlet]

TSN: This scene, as well as them walking along they alley way looking at the shops, was mostly ad-libbed (which is probably why we see Acchan smiling so much here hahaha I’m guessing the question about which he liked better was probably an adlib, which surprised Acchan). For the alleyway, they were told that their conversation was not going to be used, so they were quite relaxed (and that explains the audio fade out lol)

[The scene of them drinking Boba/Bubble Tea]

About Gyaru - when Boba/Bubble Tea first came to Japan, it became pretty popular amongst Gyaru, and quickly became associated with Gyaru culture - hence why they both felt it was something only Gyaru drank. It's similar to the idea that only ladies eat sweets/desserts that was briefly mentioned in OFC (which makes Nozue feel awkward about 2 men eating cake in a dessert cafe) - here they mean they both felt too embarrassed to try Boba out before due to the idea that it's a "Gyaru" drink (and I love how Yoh looks at Segasaki then, like he only just realises that even Segasaki might get embarrassed/feel awkward sometimes).

S: 乗るぞ (noru zo)

Again, this is “we’re riding it” instead of “let’s”.

Y: 思ったよりすごく透明で Y: (The cabin) is more transparent than I thought

The floor of the cabin is actually clear, so you can see right down through to the bottom, which is why Yoh is a little freaked out here. Not because he thought glass wasn’t transparent.

TSN: Acchan is also afraid of heights, so the stiffness you see here is real, he really didn’t like it, but they went 4 rounds in total to finish this scene. (Kouhei apparently was fine and enjoyed looking right through the glass, though I can’t remember which interview this was mentioned in, sorry!)

S: ほら S: See?

ほら (hora) is commonly used to draw the listener’s attention to something, so here Segasaki really just means “look (I was right)”

TSN: They apparently redid the scene where Segasaki dismisses the store attendant many times so they could make sure it was done in a way that looked natural and wouldn’t be off-putting.

We’re back to one of Segasaki’s humming sounds – the “hmm…?” here again conveys the “oh, really/is that so?” sort of lazy drawl that can easily be mistaken as Segasaki being bored – which is why Yoh immediately suggests they go do their own thing.

Y: そっちも、好きなところいっていいから Y: You too, it’s okay (if you go) to the places you like so…

Yoh uses “そっち” here to refer to Segasaki - which literally means “your/that side” and is another way in which Yoh avoids addressing Segasaki directly (remember, in Japan we don’t like being direct, and “you” is sometimes too direct).

Fun fact: Depending on which part of Japan you’re in, this can either be seen as a totally normal way of speaking, or it might annoy you a little to be referred to as if you were an object/place, or you might feel like the speaker was treating you a little like an “outsider”. The divide in opinion seems to be somewhere between the northeast regions, and the western regions. Tokyo and the rest of the Kantou region (where the show is based, judging by the lack of an obvious accent) are sort of 50-50.

Y: もしあれ*だったら、あ、あの、こっちはこっちで、好きにやってるし Original: Y: Ah, if you want to. Well… we’re both doing our own things… Mine: Y: If (you feel) that way*, then, ah, umm, I can… do as I like, by myself too...

*that way - this refers to that sort of awkward, uncomfortable feeling you get that is hard to describe when you’ve been put on the spot. So, this makes it clear that Yoh is offering Segasaki an “out” from this uncomfortable, weird position he thinks Segasaki is in.

Similar to his earlier sentence, Yoh refers to himself as “こっち (this side)”, and the phrase he uses pretty much means “I can entertain myself”. This is an example of kizukai – or at least, what Yoh thinks is kizukai - which is a concept where you do your best to think of the other person’s needs and wants, so you can anticipate what help they might need and so you don’t inadvertently inconvenience them. Ok, now get ready for some mental gymnastics:

From Yoh's POV, Segasaki wants to buy clothes, and has brought Yoh along to carry the bags. Therefore, Segasaki’s offer to buy him a shirt, and asking him if he is having fun, is Segasaki’s kizukai – Segasaki is going out of his way to make sure Yoh is taken care of. But! Yoh doesn’t want Segasaki to feel inconvenienced (similar to how in EP 2, Yoh said he doesn’t want Segasaki to dislike him), so he instead almost reflexively rejects Segasaki’s offer, then encourages Segasaki to go enjoy himself, and in response to Segasaki’s “Ha!?”, doubles down and says he’s totally ok by himself - This is Yoh’s kizukai.

Tired yet? This is a normal consideration in daily interactions! You can see why the phrase “yokei na kizukai (excessive/unwanted kizukai)” also exists in Japanese lolol 🤣

S: ああ。せっかくの休日に、大嫌いな俺*と一緒にいてのはたのしくない？ Original: S: Ah. So spending a day with someone you hate on your precious day off isn’t enjoyable? Mine: S: Ah. On your precious day off, being together with me – who you hate* – isn’t fun?

*“大嫌いな俺 (dai kirai na ore)” is literally “the ‘me’ that you hate”, or “me who is hated by you” - emphasis on "me", the person standing right in front of you.

Y: いや、それは…違。。。あ、その。。。 Y: No, that’s…not-…- ah.. um…

“A, so” again.

S: 五時にここ集合*な (goji ni koko shuugou *na) S: We’ll meet here at 5, *yea?

*Ending with “na” is softer than “zo” – this statement is still pretty much an order, as with his other statements that ended with “zo”, but it’s gentler, and softens the fact that he’s walking away from Yoh here.

TSN: Pretty much everyone was just going on and on about “oh, poor thing!” in response to Segasaki getting rejected and chased away, and how even though he’s sad here he’s still sweet and gentle with Yoh. Yes, that’s right, everyone loves Segasaki.

[The scene of Yoh spilling water on his shirt]

TSN: This was apparently pretty difficult to shoot in a way the camera could see the water spilling, but the wardrobe team came to the rescue with hairdryers so they could keep reshooting 🤣🤣

S: じゃ、帰んぞ  (Jya, kaen zo) S: Then, we’re going back

“zo” is back! Sorry for being so pedantic about tiny things like this, but I do think it gives us insight into Segasaki's character and how he may be feeling.

This line is the most important correction in this post.

Y: 本当はさ、ずっと、ささいな表情とか、しぐさとか、 俺が言うこと聞くとちょっと嬉しそうにするのとか、 晴れの予報を告げる優しい声とか、 全部バカみたいに俺ばっかり。 毎日俺ばっかり心臓大暴れさせてるみたいで　 嫌だった Y: むかつくとこ拾い集めて　大嫌いだって思ってないと　 その気持ちの不釣り合いに　息ができなくなってしまいそうで 嫌だった Y: 嫌いじゃない　嫌いじゃないよ Original: Y: Actually, all these times, your expressions, gestures, the way you look kind of happy when you listen to me, and your gentle voice forecasting good weather. All of them, make my heart beat as if it’s coming out. I don’t like it. Y: I gathered everything that annoyed me, thinking that if I didn’t, the imbalance of my feelings would suffocate me. I don’t like it. Y: I don’t hate you. I really don’t. Mine: Y: In truth, all this while, the little expressions you make, the gestures you do, the way you seem just that little bit happier when I listen to you, and the gentle voice with which you announce the sunny weather… All of that - like an idiot, it's just me who… It feels like it's just me whose heart has been made to pound and race wildly and - I didn't like that. Y: If I didn't gather up all the things that frustrated me and told myself "I hate this" then, the disparity (between us) in those feelings would suffocate me, making me feel like I could hardly breathe and - I didn't like that. Y: I don't hate you. I really don't hate you.

TSN: This was ad-libbed too. It just happened that the metal post was coming up in between them as they walked, and Acchan saw it and planned to go around it, because he felt that emotionally there was a gap forming between Yoh and Segasaki at this point. But right as he was about to do that, Kouhei grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him over, which Acchan was really surprised by, because they both had the same thought to ad-lib something about that post, and they both did it as their characters would do it, but it was the exact opposite action. The director said that when the 2 were walking back towards the start point they were both smiling a little, and then asked the director “how was that?” to which she replied “It’s really great!”, and then Acchan looked a little frustrated (in a sorta arrgh I got it wrong sort of way) whereas Kouhei was all “I was definitely right” (Acchan mentioned he was abit worried about the ad-lib, so I’m guessing they both were discussing as they walked back and finally decided to settle it by asking the director hahaha)

Y: すいません S: なにが Y: その。。。いろいろ S: だからなにが Original: Y: I’m sorry S: For what? Y: Well, for everything S: What do you mean? Mine: Y: I’m sorry S: About what? Y: That… for many things S: And (I said,), about what?

Yoh uses the formal "すいません (suimasen)" here, as opposed to his usual and more casual "gomen" or "gomen nasai", because this line is important to him, and he means it. "Sorry" in Japanese does not always carry the meaning of regret/remorse - it can be used to express gratitude as well. You''ll often here people say "Sorry that you had to (go through the trouble)" after they've accepted a gift, or "Sorry, I've caused you much trouble" as a way of thanking someone for their care. So, Yoh says "sorry" here after accepting Segasaki's gift, which could be seen as a thank you, but he also means he's sorry that he's like this, that he can't be honest/straightforward about his feelings (a theme that is brought up in Ep 4), that Segasaki has to care for him like this etc. "For many things" is a common way to encompass all of these mixed feelings, and yet not say them out directly.

Y: どうせ口じゃ、うまく言えないから Original: No matter what, I don’t dare say it Mine: Since I can't get the words out of my mouth properly anyway

S: よくできました (yoku dekimashita)

This is a formal way of saying “well done”, and if you did well in your work/test in elementary school you’d get a stamp that says just this, or your teacher would draw you a flower. The more elaborate the flower, the better you did. This is the only time thus far that Segasaki has said anything formal to Yoh at all. The sudden shift, and the imagery this phrase evokes – a literal stamp of approval – emphasises not just Segasaki’s approval, but also his role in Yoh’s life (ie, his role as Yoh’s provider, or well, maybe keeper is more accurate. Honestly Dom makes the most sense, but I’m not qualified to talk about that so see @lutawolf posts for more!). We’ll talk more about how both Segasaki and Yoh acknowledge the power dynamic between them in the way the speak in the language analysis post (that will come after this, before Ep 4's).

Y: この人、もしかして本当はめっちゃ俺のこと。。。？ Y: This person… could it be that he actually…really is… …me?

Y: 信じていい？ Y: Is it ok if I believe? sue me, I think believe and trust carry different nuances.

S: よかったな* (yokatta *na) S: シーツ買ったからいっぱいできんじゃん、大好きなセックス S: まあ　残念ながら　相手は大嫌いな俺**ですけど Original: S: Great, S: with more sheets, we can do it more often. Your beloved sex S: Well, unfortunately the other person is someone you hate Mine: S: Isn't this nice* S: Since you bought more sheets, we can do it a lot - the sex that you love so much S: Well, unfortunately, your partner is me - who you hate **so much

*The use of "na" here is slightly different from the one earlier - here it is used more for emphasis, and the downward tone carries a hint of mockery.

Again, Segasaki uses the same "the me who you hate" phrasing as he did earlier, emphasizing to Yoh once again that Segasaki is the one Yoh hates. Except here, he also ends off the sentence with "ですけど (desukedo)", and the whole phrasing of this line too, from the word "unfortunately" onwards, just feels business-like. As before, the shift in style gives the statement more weight- Segasaki is really not letting Yoh get away with this line here, and Yoh feels this acutely. The sharpness of the line makes him turn away abruptly in shock and even some anger.

S: お前が好きにしていいって言うんだから S: 好きにさせてもらうけど　*な (na)？ S: お前　本当バーカ Original: S: You told me to do as I like, S: then I’ll do what I want. Okay? S: You really are… an idiot Mine: S: You said I could do as I wish so, S: I'll gratefully do as I please... *yea? S: You're...really an idiot

*The "na" used here is similar to the one Segasaki used when telling Yoh to meet back at 5, in that it assumes the listener will agree with the speaker. This time it's not so much used to soften an imperative, but rather, to soften the teasing of the preceeding line - "I'll gratefully do as I please".

The phrase used here is "~させてもらう (~sasete morau)". "Sasete" means "to do" something, with the permission of the other person, and "morau" means "to receive (with thanks/gratefulness)" so together this phrase means that you're going to "do something (with the permission of the other person)", and you are thankful to have received that permission. It's usually used for things like asking your boss "May I please go home early with your kind permission" sorta thing, or telling someone that you "ate a meal someone provided for you that you are grateful for".

So here, Segasaki is pretty much saying "I'll do as I please since you so kindly told me I could, didn't you?" which is why he smirks as he says it.

/////

And we're finally done with EP 3!! Finally! Now I can finally talk about their general speech styles and what it means when they choose to switch between them. Thanks for joining me! Also, shout out to @eralkfang for tagging me in their meta post - I'm really glad these posts are helpful that way!!

[bp-zb1fics]

Something cute with Zhang Hao where the reader became close with one of the boys (Jiwoong maybe?) and he's jealous because poor boy has the biggest crush on reader :( with a cute lil confession? 🥰

A real kiss~

pairing: jealous zhang hao x long time friend reader ft. jiwoong as the cause of drama (jk)

pronouns: none used

genre: canon au, fluff, humour

tw/tags: introvert things, nicknames, jealousy lol, jiwoong giving hands-on acting lessons (maybe a lil too hands-on for hao but he’s just being nice y’all), woong best wingman (yes he can sense the tension), kdrama mention, flashback, kissing, confessions

wc: 1175

summary: maybe hao’s a teeny little bit jelly of how well you get along with jiwoong. 

a/n if any of you saw this earlier than scheduled, it's because tumblr hates me and likes to confuse me constantly~ anyways thanks for the req anon, this was really cute and i enjoyed writing it very much, a little content note: xiào xiào is a nickname used for kids who are like happy or smiley but hao calls mc that bc they make hao happy shdsd ok if any better mandarin speaker would like to correct me or suggest another nickname, just lmk~

check my pinned for more fics!

Zhang Hao likes to think he’s a fairly laid back person.

Or at least, that’s what he likes to think when you’ve been deep in conversation with Jiwoong for the past hour and not spending time with the person who actually invited you over (him).

Okay maybe he isn’t being fair. You’ve also, over the past hour, checked in on him and tried your best to involve him in your conversation. It’s just that Hao is an introvert and today is one of the days where he doesn’t feel like making it a three way conversation. Also they’ve mostly worked it out but he and Jiwoong still have their awkward moments so there’s that too.

“You alright Hào hào?” Well at least he can enjoy the fact you’re using the nickname that only you call him. (Because absolutely no one else is allowed to call him that ever).

“I’m fine, Xiào xiào.”

You had joined Yuehua around the same time, Zhang Hao as an idol trainee while you were preparing to go into acting. To say you were close would be an understatement. You clicked immediately, the other Yuehua trainees would joke that you were Hao’s co-parent with how often you would come over to their dorm with food. 

Hao spent every free day he had off the program with you if both of you weren’t busy. Sometimes you’d even accompany him to visit his subway ads, obviously sporting a mask and hat and keeping it lowkey so as not to draw attention to yourself. While you’ve been an extra or had a line or two for a few drama gigs, you haven’t exactly made your public debut just yet.

It just so happened that you’d be working with Jiwoong on your first minor supporting role in The Good Bad Mother, alongside your actor sunbaenim in Yuehua who had the starring role. The eldest hyung also happened to have quite a bit of experience in acting and you happened to have questions. While your company sunbaenims and teachers were helpful, they were also quite busy and you didn’t want to bother them too much.

“So for kissing scenes-”

Suddenly, Hao’s full attention is on you as you ask his bandmate how one goes about filming such scenes. He’s not dumb. Hao knows once you start getting bigger roles, you might do scenes like that. But dammit, he wants to be your first kiss, not some actor who’s playing your love interest.

“You’ve never been kissed before?”

It’s one of those moments where you’re too tired from the hours and hours of PR training, Hao preparing for Boys Planet and you for the eventual conferences and public appearance you’ll make once you make your acting debut. 

“It’s not that.” You sink into the sofa of the little room you’ve been in for hours, learning how to avoid getting a bad edit on camera. 

“It’s just that none of them really meant anything, you know? It was for fun, for a dare or some shit like that. To figure out whether I liked boys or girls or both. I just don’t think it’s a real kiss, you know?”

“What’s a real kiss then?”

You’re quiet for a bit and Hao’s about to move on with the conversation when you speak again.

“With someone I like. I’d be nice to kiss someone I like. Someone who likes me too.”

I like you, Hao thinks. I’d like to kiss you. 

He could do it. He could offer. But he’s shy and your friendship is only a few months old and he’s going to get shipped off to this Mnet program soon. So instead he says:

“That sounds nice. I’ve never thought of it that way.”

“Maybe because you’re the type to go around kissing everyone, Mr. Campus prince.”

You tease.

“Hey! I wasn’t like that at all.”

Hao protests. You grin mischievously and your conversation devolves back to light, playful back and forth.

But Hao doesn’t forget.

Maybe that’s the day that he decides to try and become the someone you like.

Jiwoong’s hands are on your shoulders. Zhang Hao’s not sure when that happened but he does know that he doesn’t like it.

“So my hands should go here?” You ask, patting Jiwoong's rib cage. He nods, expression completely placid and wholly focused on teaching you how to manoeuvre yourself.

“You can also put it on their waist, the director will be giving you instructions and you can monitor yourself on camera between takes as well.”

You nod thoughtfully, tentatively placing your hands on him. Zhang Hao’s fingers twitch, just a little. Most of the members who had been filtering in and out of the room seemed to have disappeared. It’s just him, you, and Jiwoong.

Which is why you decide to lean in, your face just about a few inches away from the eldest ZB1 member.

“So I just go like this?”

That’s it. Hao’s had enough. He can’t do this. He can’t watch you anymore.

“Xiào xiào?” 

Hao’s careful not to show how happy he is when you pull away from Jiwoong and look at him. His hyung must have sensed it anyway, standing up and saying he’s supposed to meet Seobin soon. You thank him for the help, he says you can text him anytime (Hao’s not sure how to feel about that one) and then he leaves the two of you alone.

“There goes my acting teacher.” You pout a little and Hao can’t help himself.

“You came here to spend time with me, not take lessons from Jiwoong-hyung.” 

“Awww, is Hào hào jealous?”

“I miss you.” He says instead of answering, hugging your side like he usually does.

You hug him back, and in a small voice, you admit.

“I’ve missed you too, Hào hào.”

There shouldn’t be anything special about the moment. You’ve done this before, hugged like this before, said things like this before. But this time, he just-

Hao pulls away, his arms still wrapped around you loosely. It’s just enough so he can see your eyes, looking at him, he can’t read you too well, he swears his heart’s beating so loudly that you can hear it. But you don’t pull away. He leans in.

His lips are soft against yours, you can feel the slightly sticky sensation of the lip balm he uses, taste a little of the tea he was drinking a while ago. It’s warm and nice and it feels perfect.

His arms slide to your waist and your fingers circle around his shoulders, holding onto the fuzzy knit fabric of his cardigan. You can smell the perfumed lotion he uses, pleasantly floral and addicting. He keeps kissing you. You keep kissing back.

Hao only stops when his heart feels like it’s going to give out, catching his breath and looking at you with your flushed cheeks and swollen lips. He can’t help but ask.

“Was that a real kiss?” I like you so, so much.

“I think it was, Hào hào.” I like you too.

[archivalofsins]

Let's talk about Amane's trailer~

Updated this because new information was brought to my attention and to fix some errors.

“we in turn, will forevermore mark YOU as the GUILTY one.”

They didn't capitalize the "W" in "We" so is this the middle of a sentence from her voice drama or just an error? Guess we'll know on the thirtieth, but I think it's the first thing. Amane is still the same as usual and as such Yamanaka has asked the audience to,

"Please, take care of her."

X

So, please be kind to Amane.

Futa and Amane's Possible Team Up

We know how the Milgram fandom claims to feel about picking on children from trial one right?

It'd be rather hard to take being lectured for picking on minors from people who continually harass minors. It's no wonder that Futa and Amane have gotten close. Her treatment is a direct example of Milgram's continued hypocrisy. I too would go what about you in this case.

Saying that bad things are bad, acting on the idea that something you believe is wrong has taken place, and that leading to others getting hurt- what you're saying is all that's okay when you do it...Right?

Well, it's none of Futa's business anyhow.

He said he can't afford to be worrying about other people during his second written interrogation,

Q.02 What do you think of Haruka?

Futa: I can’t afford to be worrying about other people at the moment. Anyway, he’s not a little kid.

Mu: We get on well, he’s always really kind to me.

Well, to be frank what he says is that he can't afford to worry about others currently, then states that Haruka isn't a little kid. So, he's not really worried about him, at the moment, because Haruka has shown that he is capable of taking care of himself.

I think the focus here should be on Futa specifying that, "He's not a little kid".

Amane is and she's someone that Futa has been shown to be concerning himself with during trial two.

2023/04/19 (Futa's birthday)

Futa: …! Oi, it was you. You scared me. Don't just stand there like that. Ha, what is it? Did you come to laugh at me for being weak? Brat.

Amane: No. I'm just observing; what people are thinking, who is tainted... What about you, Kajiyama Futa?

Futa: You're talking even more nonsense than before. Brat, you're guilty too, aren't you? …How can you even still stand? You probably heard it. That voice that kept blaming us. …..I ain't got the guts to do anything.

Amane: It goes without saying. Because we have something more important than incomprehensible and irrational voices. Humans can stand up if they have guidance. Kajiyama Futa, it's a coincidence, but today is your birthday, isn't it? It may be a good day to be reborn. If you can break free from the temptation of corruption around, you and change your ways-

Then guess who we have not heard about receiving help from Shidou after this interaction?

The focus and treatment suddenly became heavily focused on Mahiru. We see this in regards to Amane's birthday when Yuno is discussing giving care to Mahiru and on Kazui's when Shidou takes a short break from taking care of Mahiru.

In both cases there is no mention of continuing to give Futa treatment.

Shidou Lying about the Severity of the Prisoner's Injuries

Even though Futa needs care just as much if not more so considering the severity of his injuries. As he is stated to have,

An orbital fracture and traumatic retinal detachment. Along with bruising, lacerations (where is unspecified). Partial fracture of the thorax.

In this case, all the stated injuries involving his eye(s) and thorax could require surgery to be properly treated based on the severity of the injury.

X

X

X

In contrast Mahiru, despite all the care she's been receiving and the more visibly injured she is got off more lightly between the two. At least when taking into consideration none of her injuries require any sort of surgical treatment to heal. Despite Shidou hamming it up and saying,

"Shiina's injuries are even worse."

Looking into her injuries in comparison to Futa's easily proves this is not the case as she has,

Lacerations (Head)- Something that sounds bad but basically amounts to cuts on her head.

X

Bruising (All over her body)- It is literally just bruising. I don't know how to make this any simpler.

X

Sprain (Neck)- Does not require surgery to heal gradually heals over time with the right treatment.

X

Fracture (Ribs)- Again sounds bad but it's not.

X

Fracture (Left arm)- He says fracture, but this is literally just a broken arm. This is something that has happened to many people in the world and does not require invasive surgery to heal most of the time. Just a lot of rest.

X

"And furthermore this may be outside of my profession but her mental health is deteriorating as well."

Edit: @doctorbunny brought to my attention I missed one for Mahiru.

Compression Fracture (left anterior)

X

NOT SO FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT THE PRISONERS CAN LIE IN THEIR VOICE DRAMAS AND SHIDOU DID ABOUT THE SEVERITY OF MAHIRU'S INJURIES!

All of Mahiru's injuries in comparison to Futa's are light shit. However, Shidou knew that no one without his expertise would know that. Along with possibly rightfully deduced from the voices he does not mention hearing that there may not or were not enough people with his particular skills to correct him or call him out on his lies. That or he believed most wouldn't care to look past the surface anyhow considering what Es has deduced so far.

So, he lied highlighting Mahiru the more visibly injured of the two because he rightfully believed that the audience wouldn't realize that Futa was the more injured out of the two of them. Because it's easier for people to believe someone who looks like this,

Is more injured than someone who looks like this,

Not even touching on the fact that how injured someone believes another person is heavily dependent on external factors such as gender, ethnicity, and the communication skills of the individual in question.

So, Shidou just picked the person that needed the most consistent care, who could play the role of being injured properly, and would garner the most sympathy to latch onto in order to better his chances of being voted innocent. Then he expressly lied not only about their physical state but brought up that person's mental health as well. Something he states is not his area of expertise.

Despite people literally coming across Futa talking to himself in the fucking halls!

22/04/19 (Futa’s Birthday)

Futa: Ahh…… I’m not wrong…… I wasn’t doing anything wrong…… Shut up, why are you going on and on about something so minor…… It has nothing to do with you…… Aaahhh……

Amane: Oh, were you talking to yourself, Futa-san? Or maybe there’s something there you’re able to see?

Futa: ……! O-oh, it’s just you. It’s nothing. ……but well, on that note. Hey. Don’t you have anything happening too? Since being in here, just suddenly getting anxious. Feeling as though loads of people are all there condemning you, telling you you were wrong.

Amane: ……I’m fine. I don’t know what you’ve done or what it is you’re worried about, but I think if there’s something you believe in, you should stay true to it. It’s not something that should waver just because other people said something. I personally don’t plan on changing my own beliefs even if I’m told I’m wrong either…… ……today is your birthday, correct? I’ll pray for God to keep you under his care.

Making Futa's statement in his second written interrogation make far more sense given the fact that like Shidou said he would do from the beginning he,

"Choose between superiority or inferiority"

Prioritizing Mahiru's care for the benefit of himself and to an extent her as well while neglecting Futa's.

"I can’t afford to be worrying about other people at the moment."

He literally cannot afford to worry about other people in the prison because none of them have bothered to concern themselves with him outside of Kazui and Amane. Who once again comes up to him when he's freaking out on his birthday and is like,

"Kajiyama Futa, it's a coincidence, but today is your birthday, isn't it? It may be a good day to be reborn. If you can break free from the temptation of corruption around you and change your ways-"

Amane: Disavow the false god preaching to a choir of heathens and reject his medicinal ways and be reborn into a true deity of strength through your own will alone and my guidance. Do it- don't disappoint me like the others.

Futa: Ya, know what fuck it he's not really helping me anyhow...sure why not.

We haven't been shown or heard anything regarding Futa being checked over by Shidou or having his injuries cared for in a while now. I find it kind of odd how the only one receiving consistent treatment is Mahiru given everything here. I also wonder how Futa's friendship with Amane is going.

Amane has shown disdain towards Yuno, Shidou, and Mahiru yet...we haven't seen how she is with Futa after that interaction yet. I wonder if they'll have a timeline conversation again soon.

Honestly, I too would team up with the kid that's been consistently checking in on me. Can't even fault him.

Next the lyric.

“I disavow you, eyes corrupted.”

It seems like they’ll be continuing to update and tweak the English translation of the lyrics from what we were given in the song trailers. Though the snippet of Amane’s is much shorter than what we got previously. The MILGRAM/2nd Trial 8th EP Amane (CV: Minami Tanaka) “The Purge March” Trailer in my opinion more so highlights Amane’s message to the guard(s) than be a trailer of The Purge March proper.

So, it seems they’re really keeping the mv’s song under wraps up until release. Something that only makes me more interested in. I like the use of disavow it really fits Amane.

X

While giving her words that very smart-alecky know-it-all kid emphasis.

(Star here; I'd also say the usage of disavow works, given the likelihood of her victim being part of the cult. Whether that's an ongoing member or someone who decided fuck this is up for debate though)

The Cover Snippet

Her cover of Animal keeps up with the pattern of the Guilty prisoner’s songs so far. Unlike within their second trial songs when they are singing their cover songs, they are incredibly happy. This contrasts with the Innocent prisoners, who’ve been a bit of a mix bag when it comes to their covers but erring on the melancholy introspective side in tone. In contrast the guilty prisoners within their covers have sounded as though they’re having the time of their lives.

The staff even going as far as changing the entire tone of Parasite in Mahiru’s case to fit her mood. Something that I just thought was specific to Mahiru but upon further inspection all three of the guilty prisoners covers have had upbeat tones this trial and I’m curious as to why.

In Futa and Mahiru’s cases their main songs make their stress apparent seem, but their covers show they’re brimming with confidence and are incredibly pumped up. Futa’s cover is literally about wanting to go again, how he doesn’t want to stop, wants to escape, and unable to. Something we’ve been shown Futa pondering attempting to do from Milgram since it started and asking people for help with doing. Mahiru’s while about ending a bad relationship in contrast to Mu’s MKDR cover something dealing with a similar theme is very upbeat and seemingly ready to move forward or on from whatever is being left. Something that she’s also made clear she’s ready to do over the course of Milgram and continues to reiterate.

Having a relatively relaxed beach energy to it the most serious the song gets is when she’s asking why over and over again. Neither really touching on the tone that covers before theirs have had. It’s incredibly confusing considering it wouldn’t be surprising for the Guilty prisoners cover songs to be more downtrodden or melancholy, but it seems to be the exact opposite which I find interesting. The only cover outside of the guilty prisoners that gets remotely close to capturing this hype feeling in my opinion is Vampire but even then, Yuno sounds rather reserved.

So, like the heck are all of them so happy about; will Reversible Campaign have a similar tone? All that to say Amane’s cover of Animal sounds really good and upbeat. Her voice is so peppy.

[andreal831]

Hey, I just discovered your vlog and I've been enjoying reading your replies very much. Idk if this has been asked before but I wanted to know if you think having Legacies in the making influenced The Originals ending. I think killing most, if not all parental figures was done because them existing in the same universe where the kids were in life thretening situation and not coming to help them wouldn't make sense.

Hi! Thank you for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed them.

I think it was very clear that Legacies ruined The Originals. To the extent that even the cast discussed it. Daniel Gillies was always very open about this, which is why (in my opinion) they did what they did to Elijah's character. He mentioned rushing through the last couple of seasons in this interview. I used to be more into the cast and would watch interviews, but I unfortunately never saved them so I don't have all of the receipts. But here are some quotes by Daniel regarding TO:

"That time was so complicated and difficult that to walk away from it knowing I had given it a great shot, it felt good – to walk away from the inherent difficulty of it."  "I was exhausted at the time, almost more exhausted than I have ever been. I had just directed an episode, I was sort of in these throes of the edit. I was consumed with having worked for long hours. I hadn't seen my family in weeks. We were also making a lot of changes to the scripts because scripts were struggling at that point. We had a backdoor pilot come in for another spin-off for the character of Hope Mikaelson in episode 11 or so, and because of that there was this tremendous pressure on the show. We were basically doing another show, another project, when we ought to have been wrapping up ourselves."

There is also a video interview where I distinctly remember Daniel talking about feeling abandoned by the producers, but I can't find it. We do know that Michael Narducci left after Season 4, as well as a lot of the crew. Daniel talks about a lot of upheaval on set that I find hard to believe was just normal business. He also complains about so many new characters in Season 5 which cut into the main characters storylines. With actors who have devoted years of their lives to these characters, it must have been difficult to watch them get ruined by the writers.

It is clear that none of the actors were happy when they left, which is why so many of them refused to come back. Phoebe even refused to sign off on them using her likeness and was only a "guest role" in Season 5.

I also think it is very telling that there are so many rumors that TO was supposed to be more seasons. It had good ratings and yet they decided to not even give us five full seasons. JP was definitely rushing to get to Legacies. That was always her goal, TO was just a means to an end. Season 5 wasn't about the TO characters, rather about launching Legacies. So much of Season 5 made no sense.

You're absolutely correct. Hayley, Elijah, and Klaus all dying was simply so Hope would be orphaned. Although they should have just killed the entire family because how the rest of them abandoned Hope was terrible. But, Hayley, Elijah, and Klaus would never have done it. There was no way Legacies was happening with those three around. It goes to show just how much of a parental figure Elijah was because JP also wanted that same pattern for Legacies. All three shows' lead woman is an orphaned teen thrown into the chaos of supernatural. Hayley and Klaus were never going to survive TO because JP wanted that for Legacies. Elijah got thrown in because in no world does he abandon Hope. I guess they could have left him with amnesia, but she wanted more drama than TVD.

But yeah, JP can deny it all she wants but she rushed the best show in the TVDU to create the worst. She wanted to create her own legacy (pun in tended) by creating a never ending spinoff universe.

Thanks for the ask!

Also feel free to send me the interviews if you can find them!

[sparklywatercolors]

alright, this might be a doozy so hear me out.So my partner is staying with my family and I until March.My friends know this and pretty much all of them are friends with him. They all get along pretty well. My best friend adores him. Like she gets excited when he asks her to hang out with us.Anyways.So usually I just hang out with my 3 girlies. All of them start of them with A so I can't use initials so I'll use emojis.🐯 Is my best friend (the one mentioned previously)🦔 Is our other friend she's really chill and basically just always busy cooking and dealing with her many chaotic students And finally there's 🐱 this one is very intense and the one I'm having a bit of an issue with.So the first time my partner and I had everyone together we were all getting ramen together. It was going well until 🐱 coerced 🐯 into trying a heavy edible at my house and it made 🐯 get sick and have a panic attack. 🦔 And my partner were comforting 🐯 in the living room while I was keeping 🐱 away from her cause she was stoned as fuck and was pissed that 🐯 wanted to watch some very chaotic dork she likes watching for her calm down. 🐯 Is okay by the way. She still feels guilty but we've been assuring her it's not her fault.And then the second time we all hang out 🐯 can't make it bc stuff but tells us to have a good time. It was going well until we were all hanging out in the food court, splitting a pretzel cup and then 🐱 basically tells us she was stealing while we were all together and 🦔 called her out on it. Look none of us don't give a shit abt it but don't drag us into that. And it got brushed aside because 🐱 had to rant about her 4-Chan friend group. Who she doesn't like but she cries when they hang out?? 😭 I accidentally butt dialed one of my friends during this and it ended up causing SO MUCH DRAMA 🗿. Because that's when 🐱 demanded we go home despite saying we can all go out to dinner after the 4 chan rant. And on the drive home, me and partner were scared to even speak to each other on the ride home with 🐱. And a few weeks later, 🐱 calls me up. Her family member had suddenly passed. Which is horrifying. I'm so sorry oh my god. And my partner overheard and he said his condolences. And 🐱 got mad and hung up and then didn't speak to me for a week. When she did, she told me that I should know no response is a response and that I was wrong for letting my partner offer condolences and that it was immature for him to butt in, and this is why she isn't friends with 21 year olds. (Note: she's 28, my partner is 22, 🐯 and I are 25 and 🦔 is 26). Which is hypocritical of her because she's friends with our mutual friend who is 21. Not the point. And then she takes my partner and I out to sushi. And she was ranting about her job. She works with disabled or mentally ill kids as a teacher's aid. And her one kid has a lot of issues. 🐱 Was venting about her and called her a c*nt because she was self harming and her schizophrenia was acting up. We were appalled. How can you call a 13 year old little girl that? Especially a little girl with issues like that. My partner was disgusted for the little girl and also the fact that his little sister is also 13. Luckily 🐱 got removed from working with that little girl but that's still horrible. :( Last weekend 🐱 called and we caught up and she told me she wishes she never ranted to my partner about her work cause he didn't seem like he was listening? He was listening he was just angry?? Which I was too. I was boiling internally. I work with middle schoolers when I tutor, those kids have enough on their plates how can you call them that wtf.

[lacilou]

I'll start out by saying that I'm a 45 year old woman. I'd like to think I've learned a few things in my journey. My entire life does not revolve around every minute detail of the SPNverse and/or the actors associated with the show. I love the show. I love the characters. And I absolutely adore Jared & Jensen. Now I could just let this go and ignore it, buuuut I can't. What in the hell is wrong with people?! The pernicious, monomaniacal, fatal attraction-like zealots who have crossed a line by pushing their narrative onto the ACTORS and not the fictional characters. These actors are people, just like us. They have families, jobs, stress, kids, and car payments. They are fellow human beings. One, you do not personally know these people. Their personal lives are theirs and theirs alone. Two, your malicious desires for J2 to have a relationship that YOU want them to is terrifying. You cannot put YOUR narrative onto other people just because YOU want it to be true. These men have spent 15 years working together, starting in their younger, formative years. They grew up together. They've been through all the ups and downs we all have. Just because they act doesn't mean it's an easy job. Fifteen years of the entire scope of emotions. They started young and by the time the show ended, they had fell in love with their spouses. They had children. Their families are extremely close. As best friends, brothers who went through the trenches together for 15 years, their love language is physical.

These men love each other. And yes, I think they're soulmates. But what some of you don't seem to understand is that there are many different forms of love and diverse kinds of soulmates. This does NOT mean they are romantically linked. In my 45 years, I have found three soulmates: my husband, my best friend of 40 years, and my mother. My BFF and I absolutely love each other. We hug. We hold hands. We act just like Jared & Jensen do. We're not romantically linked. We are absolutely in love; a sister-from-another-mister kind of love.

Some of you are so vicious and mean that that it affects not just J2, but their families. You treat them like circus monkeys, making them do whatever it is you want. They give their time, their blood, sweat and tears for all of us and some of you take it for granted. There will come a time when they have both had enough of the drama, the hate, the lies, the ungratefulness that the toxic part of this Fandom spews. And then we'll all miss out. And knowing how some of you are, you'll just turn around and hate on them for doing that. Leave these memories alone. Sure, be fans. Love them, support them, take comfort in them, but don't put YOUR narrative onto them. It's disrespectful, it's dangerous and it could ruin lives. Oh, one more thing - one of you mentioned Jared & Gen's "couples vacations"...well, when you're married and in love with said spouse (and you have the money to take these extravagant trips), you take VACATIONS TOGETHER. Maybe once you find your person, and you travel with them, you'll understand why Jared & Gen take so many vacations together. Also, he works so fucking hard and is away from his family going from convention to convention that he NEEDS these trips to rekindle their love. I'm just sick and tired, and beyond baffles, with some of this Fandom. Do better. Be better people. Massive eye roll on this childish post.

Lesson to learn: Their lives are none of our fucking business. They give us so much of themselves already. To us. And what do some of us give them in return? Lies. Your narratives. Insults thrown at their wives and families. All this on a public forum!! That's cyberbullying. And it's cowardly, childish & leads to nothing but trouble.

J2 are brothers for life. I said what I said.

[darkx-the-dragon-kn1ght]

Pokémon Reborn Screenshot Let's Play: Chapter 34

Oooh my goodness…here we go. This chapter is going to be one that is long overdue…that is, because we’re finally gonna challenge the fifth Gym! 

After all the drama of the kidnapped kids, Blacksteam, Azurine Island, and Apophyll- we’re finally here! I feel both terrified of the prospect of another Gym battle, especially a Double Battle, but also…strangely elated? Maybe it’s because it’ll mean my Pokémon will be allowed to become even stronger now with the new level cap, or maybe I’m excited about the new areas that we’ll get to see to progress the story, or maybe it’s something else I can’t put into words.

So- how did we get here? How did we find the elusive Gym #5 after all the trouble and turmoil of this past story arc? Well, luckily, I’ve got a recap to explain exactly that, so here we go-

Xera takes Amaria’s boat back to Reborn City and makes her way to Obsidia Ward. She finds Cain standing in front of the gates to Byxbysion Wasteland; despite his fears about facing his family again, he decides to no longer hesitate and unlocks the gates, allowing free access to the Wasteland for everyone.

Xera follows Cain into the Byxbysion Wasteland, a strange and toxic landscape where objects and structures from all over the region appear with little explanation. The two immediately split up, leaving Xera to explore on her own.

Eventually, Xera runs into Ace (now called Ace of Diamonds), who is working on something on a computer. They tell her she and they have been deceived- turns out, Ace had no knowledge of a PULSE in Byxbysion, and decided to do some digging. They agree to share what they learned with Xera, but only if she beats them in a ‘game’- the game being a Pokémon battle.

Xera is able to defeat Ace, and the Meteor agent keeps their word. They explain the so-called PULSE in the Wasteland is actually an old prototype that Team Meteor had lost some time ago, likely as a result of the strange properties of the Wasteland. Regardless, the PULSE is inactive and harmless, and so there is no need for Xera to go looking for it.

Ace further explains Team Meteor has no quarrel with the people living in the Wasteland, as they live alongside the land rather than against it. They also mention there being a Gym located in the area before disappearing. 

Xera follows Ace’s directions to the Wasteland Hideout, finding Cain standing before the front door. The Hideout was not only the location of his Gym, but also where his family lives- hence his fear to go inside. After learning from Xera that the PULSE poses no danger to anyone, Cain runs off, unable to go home after all.

Xera enters the house, meeting Cain’s parents- mother Lana and father Tez. She also learns from Lana that her daughter (Cain’s sister), Aya, is the current Poison-type Gym Leader, and a new Leader at that. Aya is busy with another challenger at the moment, but Xera is free to go watch the battle if she chooses.

Xera enters the Gym proper- which consists of just an arena- right as Aya is defeated by the challenger, who is none other than Fern. Fern is a sore winner as usual, but someone else comes to visit Aya as Fern is gloating- namely, Hardy.

Hardy introduces himself to Aya as the Rock-type Gym Leader; he was hoping to give the newcomer a warmer welcome into the League. He and Fern exchange snide words with each other, during which Hardy mentions his sister was friends with Fern’s sister, Florinia.

As Aya leaves the room to heal her team in preparation for Xera’s challenge, Fern decides to give Xera a battle of his own, to make up for Aya being such a ‘pushover.’

As unamused by Fern’s antics as ever, Xera soundly defeats Fern, to Hardy’s delight. Aya returns, ready (though, seemingly, not exactly willing) to battle Xera. Fern stays to spectate in the stands, and Hardy decides to act as the referee.

So now, it’s time to put all I’ve learned since the battle with Shade- including my newfound knowledge of Wasteland as a Field- into this next battle. My track record with being able to beat boss battles has been kinda hit-or-miss these last few chapters, and it’s been since Florinia that I was able to beat a Gym on my first try, so…who knows how this will go. But I’ll still prepare as I always do, and when the time comes…we’ll see. Let’s get this started.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10

Part 11

Part 12

Part 13

Part 14

Part 15

Part 16

[quodekash]

its 1pm and im finally well-rested enough to watch last nights episode of abaab, wish me luck (im rly excited for more threezo pls gimme more threezo) 

im eating a pomegranate while watching so my commentary may be slightly limited 

NOOO CHER WHY ARE YOU SAD ITS GONNA MAKE ME SAD 

i just accidentally sprayed pomegranate juice everywhere 

this is my first time eating a pomegranate and im sitting on my bed 

i have a towel on top of me just in case and im glad i have it 

otherwise my funky hufflepuff blanket would look like a crime scene rn 

anyway back to the show 

awh :[ 

comforting kiss 

im gonna cry 

“its not a company owner and an intern. its just you and me.” GHEIBRHGERH THATS SO PERFECT and also makes me feel better cos i was still feeling a little weird about the power imbalance/age gap so yay 

THEY HUG

NO, BC YOU WONT BREAK UP 

THIS IS THE HAPPIEST FLUFFIEST SHOW, I WILL NOT ALLOW IT 

JACK, YOU AND YOUR PERFECT HAIR, HELLO 

THREEZO 

LOOK AT ZO’S LITTLE HEART JUMPER

I WANT IT 

THE ARM THE HAND ON THE ARM LOOK AT THEM AAAAAAATYFYTUUVJ (ft jacks perfect hair on the left) 

OMG

THATS AMAZING 

IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU JACK 

GJERKDGBKRHEBGKJREBJGRE 

ah shoot 

wait hang on 

what the hell 

ive been wondering whats in that folder since day one

ohhhh okay its a groupchat 

props to that one person for saying its none of your business 

yOU HAVE ONE OF THOSE?? 

i nearly dropped my pomegranate 

why was i surprised to learn he has a mother 

a lot of people have mothers 

thats exactly what she said, isnt it? 

bc theyre actually in a drama 

its gonna cut to a scene of her saying exactly that 

damn i was wrong 

thERE’S A HUG QUOTA??? 

damn then i guess im going to jail 

my hands are covered in pomegranate juice this feels like a murder 

hey, does pomegranate juice wash off? 

MY BOY AND HIS EYEBROWS 

HAH, SUCKS TO BE YOU (checks notes) oregano? 

i do love that and that’s very sweet, but bro needs his coffee 

already at two kisses and were not even halfway through the episode. if only tinngun could live up to their standard. 

(this is mostly a joke, im just really salty because tinngun COULD have kissed SIXTY-SEVEN FREAKING TIMES and they DIDNT and no i will not shut up about this i spent way too long combing through the show counting every single time they didnt kiss to not mention it every single time any characters kiss. shameless self promo here)

no wait hang on what the hell 

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN??? 

“drunk or not, i love you” i see now why that line was significant 

and also the slight breakup foreshadowing earlier 

i understand it now 

they wont break up tho bc (i pull out a sword) i will not allow it 

(just kidding) 

(i dont have a sword) 

(if i did have one tho i would absolutely take it out of its sheath right at that moment) 

FRIENDSHIP COMFORT TIME 

YAY FRIENDSHIP 

they make me happy 

HIS PERFECT HAIR 

I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH GFYTDFYTFCUTVJHV

oh yay we get some tub time!! i cant wait to learn more about him so that i can pick him apart and do a character autopsy on him to find out how he works! 

is he speaking from experience? tub, what do you have going on in life? what have you gone through? tell me all about it :] 📝📝

is it texas chicken or is it kfc? 

MY BOYS 

IM GONNA CRY THEYRE SO FREAKING CUTE 

ilysm three 

RIGHT????? he gets it 

THREEZOOOOOO

i love them so much

NOOOOOO

CHE??? 

something good better happen 

(eret son of eret voice) is tha’ who i fink i’ is? 

it might not be 

if anyone knows who plays this man, pls lemme know 

NOOOOOOO NOT THE GAMEBOY 

OH IT GOT WORSE 

sir do you have the technical skills for this 

i know hes the head of a game developing company thing but the actual physical insides of a gameboy are an entirely different thing, right? 

i was waiting for the thoop situation to come up again 

the MOOD that this is-

i have finished my pomegranate and can confirm that the juice does in fact come off of human skin, which is nice bc i looked like id murdered someone 

👀

and how are you gonna do that, gun? 

idk man, i reckon id appreciate you as my big bro 

yayyy that was really good, a little bitter at times but really sweet overall. 7/10, would try again 

oh and the episode was also really good 

huge lack of threezo tho 

theyd better make up for it next week 

still good tho 

bye bye everyone! have a good day!! 

[nowandajenn]

Blue Christmas- chapter 5 (depression and isolation)

Series warnings: angst (like a lot), mentions of infidelity, language, family drama, pregnancy, sexual situations.

Voicemails on Kelly Evans’ cell phone from December 7-11:

“Hey, it’s Allie. Listen, I’m really worried about you. Listen, I don’t know what’s going on, but I just want you to know I’m here for you if you need me. I called Chris when I came in and saw the shop….I didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t say much, just that you guys were going through something. Just please call me back and let me know that you’re okay. Okay, bye.”

“Kelly, it’s Mom (Lisa). I haven’t heard from you in a couple days. I know things are pretty busy at the studio, but just give me a call and let me know you’re okay, alright? I love you sweetheart.”

“Hey, it’s Shanna……so everyone’s been trying to get in touch with you, but you’re not answering. Not to be a stalker, but you haven’t been on Facebook or Insta either, which is telling me that something is wrong. I tried talking to Chris but he’s not saying much. Just that you guys fought and you were taking a breather from everything. Listen, I know my big brother can be a dumbass, but whatever it is, you guys will get through it. Just let someone know you’re still alive.”

“Baby, please pick up your phone. Please, please, please. I need to talk to you. I need to hear your voice. I know none of this is okay. You’re not okay, and I’m not okay. I miss you so much. I just want you to come home. We can fix this. I can fix this, I promise. I’ll do whatever it takes to get you back. I love you.”

“Kelly Lynne, it’s your mother. You know, it’s really rude not to return people’s phone calls. I’ve been trying to reach you, and you apparently haven’t checked your messages or you’re just actively ignoring me. I raised you better than that.”

“Kelly, it’s Mom again. So, I finally corned Christopher to try and find out what the HELL is going on, but all I could get out of him was that you were in Boston with Connor and Livie. I don’t know what’s going on, but I know that there’s more to the story here. I’m really worried about you, honey. Will you please just get in touch with one of us? You don’t have to tell anyone what’s going on if you don’t want to…we just want to know that you’re okay.”

“Hey, Sweetie, it’s dad. Your mother and I were wondering if we were going to see you and Chris here on Christmas Eve for dinner. I know you guys are always super busy this time of year, but your old man would love to see you. I love you, pumpkin.”

“Hey…..it’s me……it’s about 4am….baby, I fucked up so bad. I know I did. Please….I feel like I can’t breathe without you here. I’m trying to give you space, but it’s so hard. I just….I want to see you. I want to try and make things right. We can start over. I’ll do anything; everything will be perfect. Just please don’t leave me. I love you, I love you…..just please….please call me back. Please.”

“Kel, it’s Scott. Listen, you’re brother just called me and he sounds freaked out. He said you’re really not doing to good, and he asked me to come over. I’m assuming this has something to do with your fight with Chris……listen, I don’t know what happened, but your brother sounds worried, so I’m on my way over there now. I love you, kid.”

“You want to tell me what the hell is wrong with your sister? I’ve been trying to reach her and she won’t return my calls and I tried calling her shop but it’s closed.”

Connor presses his fingers to the corners of his eyes, trying to stave off a migraine. Our mother could be a force to be reckoned with, and right now, he had bigger things on his plate than dealing with her. 

“Listen, she’s going through a rough time right now. She’s not talking to anyone. She decided to close the shop for a little while so she could take some time for herself.”

“Going through a rough time? What, is living in that beautiful house too hard on her? Her husband paying too much attention to her? I know she and Chris are having issues on the whole baby front, but that’s no reason for her to just shut everyone out and clock out from life. Things don’t work that way.”

Whatever grasp Connor had on his self control snaps. 

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, or what’s even going on with her. She’s going through some stuff right now, and she’s allowed to take some time to deal with it. The reason that she hasn’t called you back is probably because she doesn’t need you sitting there, picking her apart and making her feel like shit more than she already does. Now, if that’s everything, I have to go. Bye, mom.”

He grabs his jacket and goes out on the front porch and lights a cigarette as he watches Scott pull into the driveway. Scott gets out of the car and makes his way up to the house, and pulls Connor into a bro hug.

“Hey, man. Thanks for coming. I didn’t know who else to call.”

“It’s not a problem. The whole family is kind of freaking out because nobody has heard from her, and Chris is keeping his mouth shut about everything.” Scott says.

Connor scoffs. “Yeah, I bet he is. Kelly’s been staying here for the past week. Things blew up between her and Chris, and it’s bad. She came back here on Monday afternoon and went in the spare bedroom I set up for her, and she hasn’t come out since.”

“That was four days ago.” 

“I know. Listen, I’ve tried everything I can think of. She won’t come out, she won’t eat, she won’t talk. I’ve been bringing her bottles of Ensure since she won’t eat anything, and I think that’s all she’s been living on. I managed to get her up and in the bathroom to take a hot shower this morning…..I don’t know what to do.” Connor tells him. 

“What the hell happened? Chris won’t tell me anything. The party line is that they had a fight and she fled. Nobody’s heard anything from her. My mom and sisters are freaking out, Chris is a mess. None of this makes any sense.” Scott says. 

Connor hesitates for a second and Scott can tell that he’s trying to decide if he should tell him the truth about what happened. 

“Listen, I don’t want to violate the twin bond and say anything I shouldn’t. If she wants to tell you, she can tell you. I’m really worried about her man. I don’t know if I should take her to the hospital, or what….Livie is really worried…she’s never seen Kelly like this. Neither have I, honestly.”

They head into the house together, and Scott gives Olivia a big hug before heading to the spare bedroom and knocking on the door. 

“Hey, it’s your favorite brother in law. Can I come in?”

When he gets no answer, he gently pushes the door open. I’m laying on my side on the bed, staring out the window, not saying a word. 

“Kelly?” he asks softly. He hesitantly steps towards the bed, and sits down gently next to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. 

“Kelly, can you hear me?”

Tears fall from my eyes as I stare at the grey sky outside the window. It looks like it’s about to snow again. 

“Today’s our anniversary, you know.” the words come out so quiet that Scott can barely hear them. 

“I know.” he says softly, rubbing his hand softly over my back. “I got you guys a present, but you don’t seem like you’re in the mood to celebrate.”

“You might as well take it back. It doesn’t matter anymore.” I whisper. 

Scott toes his shoes off and lays in the bed, spooning me from behind. He just holds me tightly and waits. 

“You didn’t have to come here to check up on me.” 

“Connor called me. He’s worried about you. We all are. He said you haven’t talked to anyone or come out for four days. You haven’t been eating. Have you slept?” 

I shrug as much as I can. 

“A little. Here and there. I keep having bad dreams.” I whisper. 

“Kelly, what happened? I can’t help you if I don’t know the whole story. I know it had to be something big…..this isn’t right. You and Chris don’t fight like this. Ever. Come on, you can talk to me.”

I squeeze my eyes shut and try not to cry. I turn over to face him, the blankets wrapped around me tightly. 

“He slept with someone.” 

Scott pulls back from me, looking me dead in the eyes, searching for some indication that I’m messing with him, even though he knows in his heart that you’re not. Everything starts falling into place, and he has to stop himself from crying. 

“Oh, sweetie……Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry.” he whispers, holding me close to him. 

Scott stays with me for about two hours, just laying in bed with me and holding me close, not pushing me to tell him anything. He just holds me and lets me cry. 

“Will you do me a favor? Will you charge your phone and turn it on for me? Just so if you need me, you can call me. I’ll come running, I promise. I need you to promise me that you’re going to eat something. Even if you don’t want to, you have to try. Okay?”

As soon as Scott leaves, he drives straight to our house in Concord and bangs on the front door until Chris answers it. 

Chris opens the door and Scott pushes past him into the living room. There are beer bottles everywhere, and an empty bottle of Scotch on the coffee table. Dodger is laying in his dog bed, snoozing, unbothered by human problems. 

“What the fuck did you do?” Scott demands.

“Scott-”

“Tell me it isn’t true. Tell me that you did not cheat on your wife.”

Chris looks up at him with bloodshot, teary eyes. 

“I can’t do that.” he chokes out.

Chris is down on the ground before he even knows the punch was thrown. 

“You know her brother called me this morning. He called me to come over and try and talk to her because he was so fucking worried about her. She hasn’t gotten out of bed in four days. She hasn’t eaten, she’s barely slept. I can’t remember ever seeing her look so devastated in all the time that I’ve known her. And that? That’s ON YOU. You did that to her.”

“I fucked up. I know I fucked up. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to do. She won’t talk to me, she won’t answer her phone. I have everyone calling me, asking me what’s going on, where she is, and I can’t tell them. I miss her so fucking much, man. She’s my wife, and she won’t talk to me.”

“Chris, you’re my brother, and I love you…..but I’m going to tell you this right now. Whatever happens, however this ends up going, I’m on her side.” 

Connor hears a car pulling into the driveway, and wonders if Scott came back. He opens the front door and scoffs in disbelief. 

“You’ve got a lot of fucking balls showing up here, Evans.” he says as Chris steps out of the car. 

“I need to see her.” Chris tells him, stepping towards the front door. Connor blocks him and gives him a push in the chest. 

“No, you don’t. Not like this. You’ve done enough. Trust me.”

“You can’t stop me from seeing my own wife!” Chris yells. 

“Like hell I can’t. She’s barely holding it together as it is, and you want to, what, rub salt in the wound?”

Chris moves to get past him to get into the house, and Connor pushes him again, making him stumble down a step or two. 

I’m laying in bed staring out the window when I hear yelling and what sounds like a fight happening outside. I frown, throwing the covers back and wincing at how sore my muscles are. I make my way to the front room and the voices get louder. I pull back the curtain to see what’s going on, and I shake my head in disbelief. 

Chris and Connor are rolling around in the snow covered front lawn, trying to kill each other from the looks of it. I watch as Chris throws a punch at my brother, and he retaliates by putting Chris in a headlock. 

“What the hell is going on?!” I yell, my voice strained and cracked from not talking for four days. 

They both stop fighting at the sound of my voice, and get up, both looking at me. 

“Kelly….” Chris breathes. 

Our eyes meet and my heart feels like it seizes up in my chest. Half of me wants to sob in relief that he’s here in front of me, because I miss him desperately and want nothing more than to be in his arms. The other half of me…..well, that half wants to punch him in the face. I see the bruise forming on his cheek and it seems to me like someone already beat me to it. 

“Are you two serious right now? Fighting on the front lawn in front of the whole damn neighborhood? What are you, twelve?” 

“He started it. Should have known better than to show his cheating fucking face around here.”

“You’re a grown man. Go inside and fucking act like it.” I tell him, pointing towards the house. 

“You can’t be serious. I’m not leaving you alone with him.” 

I turn towards him and grit my teeth. 

“GO.”

He stands there looking like he’s about to fight me on the issue, but he finally concedes, and starts heading into the house, his eyes on Chris the entire time. 

Once Connor is inside and the door is closed, I turn to my husband. 

“What are you doing here, Chris?” 

“Honey, I am so sorry. Please, you have to believe me. I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant to hurt you. I swear to God, on everything I am. I love you so much……I love you more than anything in this world. I can’t breathe without you. Please come home so we can try and fix this. I’ll do anything you want, I promise.”

We’re both quiet for a few minutes, before I finally find it in me to speak.

“You want to know the worst part about all of this?” I look up and meet his blue eyes with my own. “I never even saw it coming. I was blindsided. I’ve never been the jealous, insecure, crazy girlfriend or wife, because you never gave me any reason to be. Even when you were a million miles away from me, on the other side of the world, filming or doing press, or on a movie set with gorgeous women I could never even hope to live up to, I trusted you. I knew that I was yours, and you were mine, and I never had any reason to doubt our relationship or our love or our marriage. And then you come to me, and you tell me that you…….” I suck in a deep breath and wipe the tears away from my eyes. “You made me feel like the world’s biggest sucker. I trusted you. I gave you everything I had, and you just turned around and fucking destroyed me. And as much as I hate it, I still love you, but I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for that. I don’t know if I can ever look at you the same or ever trust you again. And I don’t know where that leaves us.”

“I would give anything in the world to go back in time and undo everything I did. I hate myself so much for hurting you, and breaking your trust. I promised you from the beginning that I would do everything in my power to never hurt you or make you cry, and I failed. And I’m so…..so sorry, I know that probably doesn’t mean much to you, but I am. I miss you so goddamn much that it’s killing me, but it’s nobody’s fault by my own. If you never believe anything else I say, believe me when I say that I’ll never stop loving you, no matter what. You are, and always will be, the other half of my soul.”

Chris pulls me into him and wraps his arms around me, kissing me softly on the top of my head, breathing in the smell of grapefruit and mint from my shampoo. He takes a moment to pull a small black box from his pocket and transfer it to mine without me noticing. 

“You should go inside. It’s cold out here, and I don’t want you getting sick.” he tells me. As much as he doesn’t want to, he lets me go and walks away to get in his car. As I watch him pull out of the driveway and drive away, a sob crawls it’s way up my chest. 

As I walk back to the house, I stick my hands in my pockets to warm them up and stop when my hand curls around a small, velvet box in my left pocket. I pull it out and turn around, realizing Chris must have slipped it in there when we were hugging. I flip the top open hesitantly, revealing a gorgeous six stone diamond journey necklace. 

There’s a small note taped to the inside of the box. 

Happy Anniversary, gorgeous. Love, Chris.

[phoenixkaptain]

I finished rewatching Total Drama Island (and I only almost threw up five or so times. All on episode 25. I only had to stop watching for, like, five minutes though. Whoever came up with that episode is seriously fucked up, but I can’t help but to respect it.)

I just think that rewatching Island is hilarious with the foresight of World Tour existing. They could not have set up Heather’s future narrative mirror any better if they tried, like, it’s kind of amazing! I mean, I’m sure the creators had some idea that the show would continue, but that had to be near the end right? Otherwise, I’d have to assume that the creators gave so many of the characters nice, happy endings with the intention to fuck them up. Which, the creators did create TDI episode 25, so it isn’t outside the realm of possibility, but-

Anyway, none of that’s the point. Heather having to deal with Heather 2: Electric Boogaloo is the funniest thing they could have made happen in World Tour. I know it’s a redemption arc, and I think they couldn’t have given Heather a redemption arc if they tried anything else. Like, if Heather was antagonized and antagonizing Alejandro, who Noah says best is just like Heather only prettier more socially adept, Heather would never be redeemed. Some of the stuff she does in the first season is just cruel for the sake of being cruel. If they tried to redeem her any other way than making her deal with herself 2.0, it just wouldn’t have worked.

(And it wouldn’t have been as funny)

I really liked a lot of the episodes. It really takes me back to my childhood, you know? I was only 6 when Island first premiered. I didn’t understand a single thing going on. I think I liked Leshawna because I liked her shirt. And, Leshawna, I feel, definitely has the least second-hand embarrassmant scenes, so that was probably a part of it. I liked DJ because I could relate to his anxiety. Even at 6. That’s probably a bad thing, huh…

Anyway, point being, I totally watched this show as a kid and I absolutely hated every other moment and wanted to die and understood approximately none of what was going on (as a kid andanadultcoughcough I tended to zone out. I missed a lot of plot in movies and tv shows. I was busy thinking about something else) and I think I only watched the show because I wasn’t supposed to. My brothers told me not to, so I went out of my way to. Success.

I do think the series’ humour peaked in World Tour (“If it’s any consolation, you do get *gestures to Tyler falling down the side of a pyramid*” This makes me laugh every time. The line delivery, the timing, even the animation- everything is wonderful. Not to mention Tyler climbing the fence in Area 51 and getting electrocuted and Duncan and Alejandro going in through the open gate. Tyler is the funniest character in all of Total Drama (that I know of, which is seasons 1-3) and I will fight you on that.) but Island is still very amusing. DJ screaming at Heather, her saying “stop, it’s me, Heather,” he stops, then starts screaming again. A little joke I don’t see people mention a lot is Chef saying “25 of us went in, only 5 of us came out,” twice. The second time always gets me. Chef telling Chris he’s an inspiration while cradling Chris in his arms is only as funny as it is because of Chris awkwardly saying “thanks, dude.”

I really like all the characters. Watching it again, there really aren’t any characters I actively hate. I mean, Ezekiel just isn’t in the show long enough for me to hate him, and even Heather has her most redeeming quality (being very funny). The characters are fun to watch interact. I really like Geoff, who was voted off for being too good of a person. Of course I really like Leshawna, who connected the sewage pipe to the showers while Heather was showering to get revenge, which was just really satisfying. I like Gwen and Owen, especially because they’re just the most unlikely duo of all time and their friendship is kinda cute. Noah is fun if only because he is very obviously a 2007 stereotype of a gay man: calling people “honey,” being sarcastic, his voice, hanging around mostly with girls, not liking traditionally masculine things (sports), limp wrist, the scathing way he talks to people (he did kiss a dude that one time but it was in his sleep, so I’ll give him a pass on that one. Plus, it wasn’t even the only scene of a dude kissing another dude. Owen kisses dudes. Kissing someone’s ear and people’s cheeks, I just don’t know if I buy that being significant in any way other than the creators making gay jokes). Noah was obviously meant to be a gay caricature only for the creators to figure out he was a fan favourite and give him a girlfriend, most likely at the behest of the studio. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Noah’s popularity in the first season stemmed entirely from him being a gay caricature. 2007, man. Things were wild.

I guess you could say that I sort of understand Noah’s popularity, especially coming from seasons where he was not the third person to be booted, but also I don’t? He’s funny, which is enough for me to like him, but I don’t know if others agree. In fact, I can almost guarantee there are people who disagree, because I like Heather for the same reason, and people have claimed that no one should like Heather. Unfortunately, she made me giggle once, and now I will defend her to the death. That’s just the way I am, sadly, and I can’t change it, nor do I particularly want to.

Speaking of Heather, I really enjoyed the running gag of Chef being a good chef who purposefully makes terrible food for the campers. I like when he complains about no one showing any gratitude for him slaving over a hot stove all day. I really like that he seems to hate Owen, because he just can’t gross Owen out, but he also seems to like Owen, because Owen compliments his cooking.

Owen is such a weird character, because he is the butt (pun intended) of so many gay jokes. But my favourite Owen bit is him in the confessional spilling all of his secrets because the confessional makes him want to confess everything. Also, Mr. Coconut. Also also, Owen easily defeating the snake keeping them up in the treehouse and, upon being asked why he didn’t do it earlier, him saying “What, and miss out on all of this bonding?” I love Owen.

I quite enjoyed watching the show. It is nice to understand what’s going on. And to understand the jokes. And to realize how weird it is that Lindsay couldn’t talk about eating disorders or boob jobs but Harold could talk about seeing boobies (on American television). And now I get how weird it is that they aged down the cast, yet kept the adult themes. I mean, the teens very rarely act like teenagers, they more act like college students than high school ones, and the discrepancy between their ages and the ages they were meant to be portrayed as is incredibly funny to me.

All in all, I will continue to watch the show’s seasons. Because it’s either that, or pull my hair out trying to get myself to hyperfixate on something else. I can’t guide my hyperfixations, I can only ride them. And this is what my mind wants to focus on. I don’t really have a choice, y’know? If I did, I think I would choose literally any other show (any other show that didn’t make me almost throw up a dozen times). There are worse shows to fixate on, but there are definitely better ones too.

[autumnhobbit]

Hi! I was hoping you could talk more about not having friends (at least those around your age), like the reasons behind it and how its impacted you? I'm asking because I get it all too well! My three closest---and, let's be real, ONLY---friends are women I met decades ago, and none of them live within two hours of me so I hardly ever see them at all. Plus, they have lives of their own, and a lot of our friendship is based more on habit and history than anything we share in the present, you know?

Well, I actually did have a decent group of friends in high school, & growing up I felt like I had a lot of friends because you know how it is when you’re a kid, you see somebody and find them interesting, they’re your friend, you both like the color yellow? You’re friends now. But it feels kind of surreal sometimes to think about the fact that I had a friend group in high school because I see myself as such a loner/so fundamentally unlikeable that it kind of doesn’t make sense that I had several friends who I knew from other people did genuinely like hanging out with me.

I’m sure people would like to blame my being homeschooled but frankly I think I had maybe too much unencumbered social interaction as a homeschooled kid, if anything I think the way it was treated was more, hey, the other kids are the same religion as you and are also homeschooled so do whatever there’s no problems. I still dealt with bullying, I’m sure I to some extent bullied others myself. I grew up in a pretty tight-knit homeschool group that had its own dramas and messes and when the official ‘group’ fell apart we still all hung out and went to each others sacraments and such. Anyway, the reason I think it’s relevant to mention is because basically every friendship I had was from this group.

I had one girl I considered my best friend growing up because we had known each other literally our whole lives and we were both the oldest girls in our family, and as previously mentioned were both Catholic & homeschooled. And I was way invested in it. Like, we were gonna be in each other’s weddings type stuff. And I always assumed we’d stay friends. But when we got to being around teenaged she got way big into school (her parents made all the kids get into college early and take dual enrollment/sign up for every scholarship & award) and they never had time to hang out. And even when we did, I was finding that I had different ideas about what I wanted in my life, and she couldn’t understand that & also couldn’t accept it. I feel now that I was somewhat defensive since my viewpoint was so hated in the for some reason weirdly obsessive white-collar community that was the homeschool group, but I would have been accepting of her plans and choices if she had been accepting of mine. But eventually I got tired of always being criticized and beat over the head with my ‘wrong’ decisions and I just stopped initiating, and as soon as I did it was like. Radio silence. Once in a while she’d still talk to me if we were in the same place (some of our siblings are still friends), if she wasn’t busy with her boyfriend. And then she didn’t talk to me at all, and she moved and we haven’t spoken since.

I had other friends in high school, but one by one everybody else moved and got married and started their lives, and I just couldn’t. I was stuck at home with my abusive dad messing all my attempts at independence up and I had no job prospects & didn’t want to go to college. Nowhere to go, nothing to look forward to.

Looking back, I acknowledge part of it was my fault, because I’m one of those people who just assumes that if you want to talk to me you will, and if you don’t talk to me it’s just because you don’t want to. Some people stayed in contact when they left and are still friends with them today. But I didn’t have the capacity to reach out at the time, if it had even occurred to me, so I just let things die. Now I know that from their end it must have looked like I didn’t care too much about them, either, so of course they didn’t talk to me. It’s something I regret, but can’t change now. My problem isn’t lack of caring about people, it’s lack of knowing what my place in anyone’s life is. And I’m still not great at that, tbh. If somebody says ‘we should get together sometime’ I don’t know whether to push for it, even if I miss the person and want to see them too, and so things just slide and before you know it I haven’t seen someone in seven years.

Nowadays I just genuinely don’t know many people my age, and I don’t see them, even. My assumption is people my age are either busting their asses working, in graduate school, already have kids, or what have you, and none of us have the time or energy for others who aren’t in our lane already. Zach’s the first friend I’ve made in a long time, and I probably wouldn’t have if he hadn’t initiated because he saw & was interested in me. And it’s a source of stress for me, because at the same time that I have so much baggage with friendships and feel really jaded and lonely like I’m just not worth being friends with or other people aren’t worth my effort for nothing, I believe friendship is worthwhile and sacred and important and that cultivating them are incredibly important life skills, but I just. Don’t have it in me to do it, and it really feels pointless and hopeless to me. I have some great internet friends, but you can’t at the drop of a hat go antiquing, or go try that new ice cream place, or go to a movie or go to the park, or take a walk or do housework, or any of the millions of things I’d like to share with people. Mostly, I just miss talking. You can’t have the same sorts of conversations with older adults you can have with someone your age who’s going through the same things you are. I have no one to tell when I got my dream job, or promoted. I’ll probably have no one to tell when I finally get a house or a dog, or have a kid, or write a book, or any of those things. And I know I need to change it before it’s too late but I just can’t find the drive to when I’m still so effed up from the last time.

I wish this were more positive or had some sort of ‘but,’ but right now, for me, it doesn’t. I pray sometimes, when I think of it, for God to help me find a good friend, or maybe someone who needs a good friend, and to recognize it and jump on it when I see it. But so far it seems like that’s just not something I can have for right now.

[skellietoonz]

The Wish Granter's Apprentice AU

Because I want to yowl into the void:

As I've probably mentioned before, this is a Canon Rewrite/Patchwork Fic that borrows some things from the J-Drama and live action film

That means none of the Tsubasa crossover stuff, though Clow Reed still plays a major role

Yuko and Clow had a kid and he looked just like Watanuki because of course he did

This kid we'll call him Kimihiro Reed died, they wished to see him again but the price was that Yuko would have to grant wishes in the shop and outlive Clow until she sees their son again boy oh boy that sounds familiar huh

....and then Clow fucks off to go make those damn cards I guess

Years later Watanuki's parents (who are normal ass people and not the Sakura/Syaoran clones or whatever) go to Yuko wishing for a child since they're not able to have any

Yuko agrees to help them but the price is that Yuko has to raise their kid in if anything happens to them

Their son is born and whaddya know, he looks just like Clow and Yuko's dead kid and he can see spirits, they don't know what's wrong with him

Little Watanuki gets lured into busy traffic by a spirit one night, Mama and Papa 'Nuki go to save him but get run over by a truck, rest in fuckin peace

Yuko shows up and takes Watanuki to the shop and raises him from then on

He's sick and beginning to well, "disappear" from his run-in with the spirit and his general sadness/blaming himself for his folk's passing I guess, Yuko nurses him back to health until he can go back to school and rejoin the outside world

He meets Himawari and Doumeki when he goes back to school

Stuff from here on out plays out a bit similarly to canon but with a kind of Stranger Things/80s kids movie vibe

They all grow older over the course of events

DouWata, DouWata everywhere

Watanuki does end up taking over the shop after Yuko dies but there's none of that "I can't leave and I watch everyone I love get old and die" bullshit and he gets to live a mostly normal life with Doumeki and nothing hurts

There's quite a bit more but that's all I can squeeze out of my tired brain at this time....