#like is it my autism making me not able to identify my own emotions or like. ignoring them.

[linkedin-offficial]

is this anything . sky:cotl au

details (aka my rambling) under the cut

mostly set upon the whole idea that caine came from eden and tries to help everyone gain their wings (albeit doing a terrible job the entire time)

bubble keeps the name bubble!

they r a mantatee :3 suprisingly chaotic for a light creature and sort of has the "eat light and puff out candles" personality that caine should have but doesn't

i contemplated caine being called "the creature" just for shits and giggles (and eventually went with it) since im absolutely certain everyone who ever meets him ever would be terrified for a little bit until they realize hes sentient; he doesn't understand that the name is supposed to be sort of derogatory

caine is the only one with wings because hes the only one who can canonically fly/float!

(and yes his head is supposed to be a dark plant . i like to think im big brain for this)

the reason why his dark plant head is tinted red btw . my thought process was basically "ah yes. red = good bcus eden :]" even though thats convoluted since everyone hates eden but that makes it better in a way. i think

zooble > mismatched worksmith

"bows" given to them by ragatha as an identifier; not like theyd need one though ..

constantly making their own prosthetics due to growing boredom with their previous ones (autism™) and also carved the designs into their mask themself

kinger > reluctant royalty

same old kinger as usual .. when asked what he rules he doesnt particularly remember nor have an answer so hes usually treated with respect out of pity for being old and senile

second tallest behind jax , also the oldest (if you dont count caine i guess? whos sort of. ageless)

ragatha > plush friendfinder

matching bow with jax :3 sibling moment! (yes i like the ragatha + jax sibling dynamic . its amazing to me)

right eye does not glow and actually looks like a hollow hole if you get close enough to her face! also clothing making buddies with zooble :] she taught them how to sew without pricking themself

gangle > wrapped up theatre-goer (i had such a hard time thinking of a name .. and to be honest?? im not solid on this but WHAGEVER.)

shortest. obviously

likes to write plays in her spare time and reads them to zooble while they work

clothes are sectioned and Very flowy, and has a few (cracked and broken) masks she likes to use for play improv (and also uses for herself sometimes if she has a hard time expressing a certain emotion)

jax > towering tease (it sounds stupid but THIS is so fucking funny.i cannot resist this)

tallest OBVIOUSLY. like stupidly tall . has its advantages and disadvantages (like being able to steal things from gangle with no consequences . on the other hand. doorframes)

him being tall and having that be the only thing hes got going for him is absolutely hilarious to me and im leaning into that hard

he has a tail also, but its small and not visible from the chart

pomni > jittery jester (i had to look up "other words for anxious" for this.my intelligence is showing)

pretty much the only one i referenced real in game clothing for, which sort of fits! protag moment

this was all i really had, since other established things like their personalities and relationships arent really changed much. but this was fun to think about :3 input is appreciated !

[luveline]

If you ever start requests up again (if you don't thats fine lol), I'd wonder how Miguel would be with an autistic (or any neurodivergent disability) reader? Thanks regardless for the great reads you've given!

hi!! i don't have autism so please forgive any inauthenticity, but i have a frame of reference in someone close to me so I hope this is somewhat like you wanted! if you ever want to request with specific traits, please do! ty for requesting

"This is the worst thing that could've happened," Miguel says, furious. 

You, sitting on the table by his workbench, glance away from your book reluctantly. Your lips part, confusion a line between your brows as you ask, "Are you making a joke?" 

"It's hyperbole. I'm exaggerating." 

"I thought so, but it's hard to tell. You said it very convincingly." 

"Sorry," he says, glaring down at his broken doohickey. Useless plastic, useless screwdriver useless Miguel. 

"Exaggerating… you're upset," you say. 

Miguel is both surprised and not. He doesn't always expect you to be able to read him. Your autism complicates how you recognise emotion, but you're caring, and now you've been told an effect (exaggeration) you can identify the cause (Miguel's broken device). 

"I'm frustrated," he tells you, leaning back in his chair. "I really thought this one would work." 

"I think the wrong thing all of the time," you say, sympathy creeping into your tone. Some might think you're unemotional, and the reality might be true for others, even yourself when you're with unfamiliar people, but it's not true in this instance. "Maybe I can help." 

Miguel scoots back his chair and you stand between his thighs, eyes roving over the fragments of his device, taking everything in. You love engineering —your involvement with the Arachno Humanoid Poly Multiverse had been, in your own words, the best thing that ever happened to you, as it dropped you head first into new technology, better technology than you ever saw on your Earth. You spend longer than you should bending over books about science undiscovered on your planet, your life a pressing of hydraulics, centrifuges, holographic projection, and magbelt machinery that Miguel loves to play. 

"It's badly soldered," you say. 

He winces. No punches held. "I used to be better." 

"You're bad now." 

You asked him a while back to let you know if you ever stepped on his toes, so to speak. Usually Miguel would leap to agitated disagreement, but you asked, and he likes you. He explains.

"Ah, that hurts my feelings," he says, without heat. "I know objectively that you're right, but people appreciate fluffing when it comes to observational critique." Miguel scoots his chair back as you turn to face him. "It's okay. I'm not mad." 

"You're patient," you say, nodding. "Sorry. Fluffing… how would you say it?" 

"I'd say, your soldering is a little iffy." 

"It's a lot iffy." 

"That's the fluffing. A white lie. No one's feelings get hurt and the problem is still identified." 

You nod more. "I'm a little better at soldering. I can fix it for you." 

"Nice," he says. 

He stands up and squeezes your shoulder gently. Your face dips to his hand and holds it there, cheek pressed to his knuckles, a smile turning the corners of your mouth up. Miguel isn't expecting it, but he doesn't rush you. 

"Can we spend time together after we fix it?" you ask.

"If we fix it." 

"I can fix it," you say happily, straightening your head and freeing his hand. "I'm much better at soldering than you." 

Miguel's a prideful person by instinct. He walks to the side of the workshop where he keeps the soldering iron and associated paraphernalia, throwing a quip over his shoulder, "You think you're better."

"I know I'm better," you say, sitting in his chair. "Sorry. I know a little that I'm better." 

He should say, Hey, we'll work on it, but Miguel doesn't want to. He likes you just as you are, accidental insults and all. 

[heartbeatbookclub]

I was looking at a few posts about autism (as one does) and it just suddenly clicked into place a fundamental thing about Yuri's character that I'd been grasping at, but hadn't really been able to adequately identify. I still have a much longer and more thorough analysis going through a whole lot of my thoughts on Yuri's character and her experience of autism that i'm working on (of which this will likely be a component), but I thought I'd share this separately just to emphasize.

Post I saw which made this click for me was making fun of the fact that most media depicting impaired empathy in autistic characters explicitly depicts them with this unflappable confidence of never having been rejected by people they love. The crux of this is that in actual reality, autistic people almost always have that experience at some point, for some behavior, for reasons they don't really understand. "There is an invisible line where people will get sick of you, and you have no warning of when you're about to cross it." So frequently, autistic people attempt to ride a razor thin edge, walking on constant eggshells to desperately attempt to avoid crossing that line.

Very often autistic people will attempt to avoid doing anything at all which could be considered weird, or off-putting, and will try their absolute hardest to do things in a way that is acceptable to other people, sometimes to the point of outright suppressing their emotions, because they are afraid that they'll say something just wrong enough that the people they care about will push them away, and they don't understand WHY it happened, but they know it's THEIR fault. Sometimes masking is fighting to appear aloof all the time because you can't regulate your emotions in a way that is acceptable to other people.

And holy fucking Jesus, that fits the exact mold of what I've been trying to talk about with the particular way Yuri's anxieties manifest.

It really feels to me like Yuri has this constant fear of breaking the "rules" of socializing, despite not really understanding what those rules even are. She's constantly afraid of saying something wrong, when she doesn't even know what wrong would be, she's just sure everyone ELSE will know it when they hear it. I think a huge part of her social anxiety comes from her own understanding of herself as a very weird person who doesn't really get a lot of how to socialize, and it seems to me like she's probably dealt with her fair share of social rejection and isolation based on those traits. She then felt she had to take responsibility for those traits, probably because it's the one thing she can change, and she is the one common denominator in all of these bad situations (This is something which is pretty common, actually! "Everyone else can socialize just fine, and I have so much difficulty with it! I must just be broken in some way. I have to try super hard to be normal to make friends!")

I think a big part of why it's so apparent in the Literature Club is because she really thinks she's found a place where she can make friends in spite of all of her issues, so when she starts...being herself, and receives even the smallest HINT of pushback, she overcorrects and tries to rein all of herself in to fix her "mistake", because she really wants to make friends here, and doesn't want them to reject her as well.

She's had this experience of others pushing her away for being weird so often that, coupled with her acknowledged trouble for reading situations, when anybody responds poorly to something and she recognizes it, she immediately overcorrects out of fear of being an annoying burden to everyone around her, and that "correction" consists of suppressing herself into being "normal" (or at least "less weird"), because she believes nobody could actually like her just for being who she is. There's something wrong with her fundamentally, and to make friends, for people to like her and want to be around her, she has to "fix" herself.

it's just, like...

it's really hard for me to interpret Yuri's character that doesn't involve her being somewhere on the spectrum, bros. she's written with such delicately constructed autistic coding, despite the appearance of just being a hackneyed weird girl visual novel trope. she deserves the world.......

[emerald-truth]

Yesterday I watched Data's Day and it made me cry and I need to talk about it.

First of all I love that it was lowkey a slice of life episode? Like Data is just describing his normal day and some crazy stuff happens as usual on the Enterprise but it's also just like. The crew hanging out. I especially love his conversation with Worf about what wedding present to buy because it's just so normal? Everyday? And just seeing his casual friendships with everyone? And they all love each other? I love the whole tng crew so much.

Anyway, what made me really emotional was how much I related to Data as an autistic person and I know people talk about this all the time but I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN FOR MYSELF.

Right in the beginning of the episode he talks about how he used to have trouble maintaining friendships but now that he's become better at predicting other people's emotions he's become able to form friendships. And just. The whole ordeal of having to take years and years to LEARN TO MAKE FRIENDS when it seems to come so naturally to everyone else, when it seems like something that should just be easy. Yeah. But then also the absolute joy when you succeed! When you think ah yes I've finally learned to understand others enough, to do the correct analyses, to make the correct predictions, I can finally make friends! And Data is so pleased with himself just like I have been the past couple years. And the thing is! He makes mistakes still in predicting emotions! But his friends forgive him and help him understand! And it's just so??? Oh my god the happiness that comes with being accepted despite your flaws, despite who you are and what you can't change about yourself. With being reminded that you still deserve friendship and a special place in people's lives even when you make mistakes. Because even though he upsets Keiko by trying to change her mind about the wedding she forgives him and still lets him act as "the father of the bride" because she still loves him! Everyone does! Because he's so sincere! Oh my god I love Data so much-

But the thing that made me cry was one little moment when they suddenly redirect their course towards the neutral zone and Data says it's a good thing his duties can't be interrupted by emotions such as the uneasiness he might feel about such a change to the course. While clearly exhibiting signs of being nervous like tapping his fingers and glancing behind himself at the drivers. And this is something about my experience of autism that I hardly ever see in fiction. Not only do I have trouble understanding the feelings of others, I have trouble identifying MY OWN FEELINGS. I have low body awareness so instead of feeling emotions in my body I have to engage with them intellectually which means I often can't tell that I'm experiencing an emotion even when people around me can. I saw another post a month or so ago talking about how Data probably has similar troubles because his emotions don't manifest physically the way they do for humans. And just. I've spent so long feeling like and being accused of being an unemotional person because I don't feel my emotions the way other people do, so to see this implication that Data DOES have emotions even when he himself doesn't always notice them is so lovely. Just because he or I don't always feel emotions physically, and must understand them intellectually, doesn't mean we are uncaring. It just means so much to see a character who thinks of himself as emotionless be portrayed as so gentle, kind, and loved.

And then the end of the episode- Data says he believes humanity is not an inherent quality but a way of thinking and something he can achieve. And that's so reassuring. Even if I'm not human now, maybe someday I will be. And even if I'm not human, even if I'm never human, I can still be good, I can still feel, I can still make friends, I can still be like Data.

[yanderelmk]

Paternal Syntax Hours B/c I'm In A Mood

A/N: Sometimes I just need to do a lil scribble to get my brain going, have a lil autistic Syntax headcanon & drabble with a smol spider demon. The Spider Queen's technology had begun advancing towards a fraction of what it had once been, and that meant there were resources enough for Syntax to generate another spider demon. This time Syntax decided to use a measure of his own DNA to see if his intelligence could be replicated. The result was a little spiderling who the queen absolutely adored. Huntsman and Goliath's developments had been accelerated for the sake of necessity, and Syntax wanted see how a 1/3rd human spider demon's development differed from a full-bred spider demon's. While typing up an update regarding the child's growth and development, Syntax frowned as he re-read the report in full. After checking that it was around noon, he stood and went to make his way to the kitchen. There would be the toddler and Huntsman, who was very frustrated and trying to hand the kid a ham-and-cheese on a little plate. The exasperated demon turned to Syntax and said, "Can you deal with your brat? I made his food exactly how I always do and now he's refusing to eat it." The toddler looked close to tears, but Syntax had a feeling it was more than general toddler upsets. "Small one, why don't you want your food?" Syntax asked calmly, kneeling down to his level. "No!" The toddler shook his head, trying to give the plate to Syntax. "It looks fine to me, is it..." The scientist pointed to the bread itself and asked, "The bread type?"The toddler shakes his head said. "Is it the ham, is there something wrong with it?"Another head shake. "Do you not like the crust?"A smile lit up the child's face and they nodded. "Ahhh, I see." Syntax turns to Huntsman. "Normally I just get them off since he doesn't like them, it's never really a big fuss."Huntsman crossed his arms, calmer now that the issue was identified, and looked down at the kid. "If that was all, you could've just said so, little buddy." His tone is still frustrated, but it's obvious he's trying to keep a more gentle tone.When the toddler looked down, his pointed ears lowering sadly. Syntax just patted the child's head and said, "It's almost time for you and Goliath to watch that show you like, why don't you go wait for him while I fix your food?" The small kid smiled, hugged Syntax, and ran off for the living room. When he did Syntax set the plate on the counter and began digging around for the proper knife. As he did so, he said to Huntsman, "I noticed some interesting patterns in behavior when I was typing updates about his personal development: being upset if routines are broken more than the usual toddler degree, noises that are at low volume to us greatly distressing him, preferring certain materials over others. He also speaks in mainly one-word sentences while most toddlers his age speak up to three-word sentences. All of these are behaviors I had with my age and can be indicative that the young one has autism like I do. When I was a human, my family did have several autistic members who were non-verbal or semi-verbal. It's likely my genetic history led to this developing." Huntsman frowned and peeked his head out of the kitchen to look at the toddler who was now sitting beside Goliath on the couch, his favorite cartoon playing on the TV. "Should...what does that mean? Is he gonna be okay?" "If I didn't know any better, Huntsman, I would say you were worried." Huntsman let out one of his growls which Syntax ignored. "It just means we must have more patience when speaking with him. At three his emotions are already primitive, to not be able to properly communicate what's distressing must be very frustrating. In other words..." He lifts the plate. "We care for him as part of the family, and above all else we don't treat him like a freak in a zoo. I could be completely wrong, it is just something we will have to keep in mind."

[barnabytremayne]

Why I use multiple types of therapy

Growing up, I always felt like there was something "off" about me. I struggled to make friends, had trouble understanding social cues, and often found myself feeling overwhelmed and anxious in situations that others seemed to handle with ease. It wasn't until my teens that I was finally diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and autism spectrum disorder.

At first, I was hesitant to seek help. I thought that I should be able to handle my issues on my own, and that therapy was something only "crazy" people did. But eventually, I realized that I couldn't keep going on like this. I was barely able to function on a daily basis, and I knew that I needed to do something to take care of myself.

I started off with traditional talk therapy, which helped me to unpack some of the trauma and negative thought patterns that had been holding me back. But as helpful as it was, I found that I needed more. That's when I began exploring other types of therapy and counseling.

I tried cognitive-behavioral therapy, which helped me to identify and challenge the negative thoughts and beliefs that were contributing to my depression and anxiety. I also tried art therapy, which allowed me to express myself in ways that I had never been able to before. Through creating art, I was able to tap into emotions that I didn't even know were there, and to work through them in a healthy and constructive way.

Throughout my journey with therapy and counselling, I also found solace in creating music. Whether it was writing lyrics or picking up an instrument, music allowed me to express emotions that I struggled to put into words. It became a form of therapy in itself, and I found it helpful to incorporate it into my sessions with my therapists. Music gave me a way to communicate what I was feeling without the pressure of articulating it perfectly, and it allowed me to feel a sense of control over my emotions. I found that incorporating music into my therapy helped me to better understand myself and my experiences, and it gave me an outlet to continue to heal even outside of my sessions.

Another form of therapy I found beneficial was group therapy, which gave me the opportunity to connect with other people who were going through similar struggles. It was a relief to know that I wasn't alone in my experiences, and to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with others who understood what I was going through.

All of these forms of therapy, in addition to medication and lifestyle changes, have helped me to manage my depression, anxiety, and autism. Of course, I still have bad days - but they're becoming fewer and farther between. I'm grateful for the support and guidance that therapy has provided me with, and I know that I wouldn't be where I am today without it.

If you're struggling with mental health issues, I encourage you to reach out for help. It can be scary to take that first step, but it's worth it. There are so many different types of therapy and counseling out there, and it's important to find what works best for you. Don't be afraid to try something new - you never know what might make a difference.

[woodlandscab1n]

I have been sappy over some human shit I'm not able to experience, and it makes me upset so I'm gonna ramble about it.

Back then I didn't give a fuck. I guess it was bc I was younger and I didn't realize why it was I was different and couldn't relate to the large majority of people. I didn't find it a flaw, I found it I was better than everyone, because everyone was so emotional and distracted by love and their own feelings. When I was focused on what I wanted, smart, strategic, attentive, uncaring for love and just caring about having fun and being caught up in my own bubble of fiction. Yet, the formula for friendship and connection was easy to solve, and achieve.

And now? Well, I am discovering I'm not better. And if you wanna take it there, in reality, a defect. My trauma, my disabilities. It all made me "smarter" than kids of my age, including adults but it doesn't matter. Smart doesn't matter when you start to realize you appreciate the people around you and you want to form connections. That formula is...meaningless at the end of it, sure I have friends but what do I do with them, how do I keep them, how am I the friend?

And that's ... when you start to notice, you're not smart at this, you're at a disadvantage; things that should be natural, aren't because I'm just not programmed like that.

I know I'm not human, not in headspace. We haven't been human since and before a singular host. But I like humans, I want to be part of humans just as badly as I want to be part of animals and nonhumans. Despite me not identifying as such, I wish to still feel human in some way or the other, because that's just the environment I was raised in and... the species so far is the only one that can fullfil my social needs in the way my brain requires it.

I feel so

Alienated. So... strange. Even between autistic and queer peers, my passion, my interests. It all falls short, or overdone.

It feels I am too much, too little. Not enough love, too much passion. A different perspective every time, in a space of millions and millions of people. So little ppl can see what I see, understand what I understand.

And perhaps that is due to my own isolation from fandom and the world too. But I've been looking, and looking, and looking. It only confirmed how...different I am and I don't like it. I am not a fan of it. I had to act, most of things on my blogs and accounts is just purely acting. I have to have a damn persona for every blog, every account.

Because without it I am unable to socialize safely, I am too vulnerable, too true. I am taken advantage of, made fun of, get in trouble. I don't want to deal with shit like that, I just wish to have interesting, deep conversations about our shared interests, I want to share my interest and be shared interest back.

Am I boring? Am I not enough, what is it? Am I only looked for what I can do? Am I just...not like you? Is my persona not credible enough, do you see it? My nonhumanness, my autism, my trauma? Is it uncanny, weird, scary?

A bunch of questions I ask myself when I am sappy like this, but in the end I know I will go back to what the brain wants, pushing away all this doubt that is unhelpful and redundant.

At least I have 4 days left until my next therapy session.

[roleplay-abiogenesis2]

[Sensitive] Let's Talk RP and Mental Illness

//Hello hello, Saru-mun here to post a lil disclaimer that I felt to be due on my blog for quite some time now.

Let me preface all this by saying that yours truly has past and present long-lived experiences with mental illness, as someone affected directly by it and even indirectly when co-existing with others affected by it. Nothing in this post comes from a place of ignorance, intolerance, or even indifference to it.

I've always been a reserved person when it comes to my personal mental health. Oversharing and "trauma-dumping" have put a stigma on being overly open about these things, and I for one loathe the idea of being labeled as the person "playing the victim card". That said, I'm happy to find that this personal choice of mine does not reflect in my writing and roleplay. I like to write on these topics and explore their intricate and deep thematics like most other people here.

With THAT said as well however, I am also someone who puts a priority on realism before all else.

We live in a very lucky time for mental health awareness. Psychology studies have made leaps and bounds and uncovered, identified and explained many aspects of mental illness that I still remember being completely misunderstood and unheard of when I was a child. I think it is great and am thankful for this progress.

This however is due to the world we live in and the many advancements research has made over the years. This is a factor that I am never unaware of and that I am unwilling to cheapen by pretending it's to be given for granted.

What does it mean exactly? It means that when writing in settings that do not match our present-day progress, I will keep that in mind and have my muses match the emotional intelligence and knowledge that I would expect to be average in the world and universe they live in.

You probably should not expect Cyno the desert-dweller with a degree in elemental studies to know much about things like autism, PTSD, identity disorders or depression. The world he belongs to simply does not reflect that degree of awareness towards these conditions and as such, characters that belong in it should not be expected to understand them like we do in real life.

What should you expect? Ignorance and the mistakes born from it. Expect him to think your muse with executive dysfunction is lazy. To point out smell and filth if they are not able to keep up with their hygiene. Expect him to be confused by things like panic attacks, or to not understand one's deep-rooted anxieties.

In fact, Cyno himself has some degree of mental health problems that he is completely unaware of. And I've made him this way on purpose, because I remember the way I behaved about my own mental illness when I lived in a time where it was poorly understood. I downplayed it to personal flaws of mine that I should overcome.

You should expect this from any of my muses who live in a universe that is not as advanced as our real lifetime. My Mystic Messenger characters for example are more likely to be aware of these issues compared to, say, my Japanese feudal era demon lord character.

Why have I decided to go this route? Because I think mental health is important, and so is its history. I do not like the idea of pretending that the problems surrounding it and our understanding of mental illness never existed. These are stories that truly happened, and I want my readers to remember this, because it is by its mistakes that humankind has learned to be better. I want the ignorance of my muses to be a lesson, and a warning.

With that out of the way, I am making this post because the last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable. If you think something like a negative or indifferent reaction to your muse's mental illness might be something too insensitive for you to handle, then please, please please refrain from bringing these topics to the table with my muses.

You can talk to me OOCly if you're unsure how my muses would respond to these topics as well. I don't like breaking character (or what I perceive to be in-character for my muse anyway), but I am open to discussion and compromise on the language used in my responses if it will help you be comfortable with my portrayal more. A solution can almost always be found.

This turned stupid long already, so I'll be back to draft mountain now. You be good and stay off my soda.

Saru-mun\\

[anxious-rainbow-creature]

interpreting "what was i made for?" by billie eilish from the barbie movie through the lens of an autistic person coming to terms with their identity

lemme first start with how when i heard this song i started fucking CRYING my eyes out because I felt so seen but not in the way that the song intended

like the song is very literal in the context of the film with barbie realizing she's a doll but wanting to be human

but the way I heard it was very different and I took some time to deconstruct why exactly it hit me so hard so heres my explanation of "what was i made for?" as an exploration of an autistic person finding out they're autistic and all the baggage that comes with that

I'm also gonna be speaking from my own perspective because I was diagnosed on the cusp of becoming an adult so this whole experience is VERY fresh for me

FROM THE TOP

"I used to float, now I just fall down"

you find out you're autistic after a long time of not being aware of how you were different. ignorance was bliss. you had no idea that other people saw through you and could identify that you were weird.

"I used to know, but I'm not sure now, What I was made for,"

you didnt have to question your identity, because you just were. you existed in the world just like everyone else. but now, you question what parts of you are autistic, and what parts of you are just you. are you entirely autistic? partially? is your personality just one massive autistic trait? what other autistic traits do you have that you're not aware of? so many questions.

"What was I made for?"

the penultimate question. if you're not neurotypical, what now? if I don't fit in here, where do I fit in?

"Taking a drive, I was an ideal"

you thought you were neurotypical. normal. the thing that the world was made for and what it caters to.

"Looked so alive, turns out I'm not real"

re-enforcing the very first lyric of how you didn't know you were different until you became aware of it. if you looked in the mirror, you thought you looked and acted just like your peers. but that reality was shattered when you look back at all your experiences with a new perspective. oh no, that one moment in 4th grade? oh my god, it was so obvious that you weren't neurotypical. and then there are more moments like that. and more. it suddenly starts making sense.

trying to tell other neurotypical people about your experiences leads to invalidation. "what? you're not autistic." "you're just attention seeking." "well, everyone's a little bit autistic."

"Just something you paid for"

this is everyone who saw right through you but still cared for you. they heard the comments being made about you behind your back. they felt the secondhand embarassment from you doing something odd. they spoke to the cashier for you when you were too scared. they made you food when you couldnt. they were the breadwinner when you couldnt work, couldnt get a job, or couldnt keep a job.

you acknowledge how much those people do for you, and you feel guilty. you feel like a burden on the people you love.

"What was I made for?"

as your awareness of yourself and your circumstances grows, the hope that you'll be able to fit in somewhere seems more far away than it used to. this world wasn't made for you, but surely someone will make room for you, right?

"'Cause I, I, I don't know how to feel"

when being diagnosed with autism, you experience a swirl of emotions. you feel relief that your thoughts about you being different are correct. you feel anger that you didn't find out sooner. you feel sad that so many people left you behind just because you didn't fit the mold of what they thought a person should be. you feel exhausted that people don't understand you, or don't care to understand. you feel confused at the realization that there's all these neurotypical rules that you're expected to follow but no one seems to talk about. you feel scared that, now that you know you're autistic, history will repeat itself and you'll be invalidated, made fun of, ignored, and misunderstood again and again again.

"But I wanna try"

in your efforts to understand yourself and the world around you, you try deconstructing these emotions. some are explainable, but some aren't.

"I don't know how to feel"

alexithymia is very common in autistic populations. even though you can explain certain aspects of being diagnosed autistic, there's still a lot that you don't understand. sometimes you feel prickly for seemingly no reason. or you want to run away. or you want to flap your hands or make noises or shake your body.

"But someday, I might, Someday, I might"

there's a reason for these things that hopefully, eventually you'll figure out. you might find out that you get very easily overstimulated. or that really loud places like concerts or big rooms are a sensory nightmare for you. or that certain clothes are so intensely uncomfortable that you can't stop thinking about them.

"When did it end? All the enjoyment?"

you discover that you were bottling things up for a long time. you hid your interests because you were afraid of being made fun of. you kept your feelings and thoughts inside of you for so long that you forgot what you were holding in. at some point you just became...numb. at some point you realized that existing was so difficult that all you needed to do was focus on surviving. it didn't use to be like this.

"I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend"

to tell anyone how difficult it is to be alive just feels like a burden on other people. it happens so often. you feel like a broken record talking about the ways in which living is hard.

"It's not what he's made for"

in a world of neurotypicals, it feels so isolating. they don't understand your experiences because they're not autistic. they don't get it. there are few people who are equipped to understand and explain the autistic experience.

"What was I made for?"

it gets clearer and clearer what this diagnosis means. in the most extreme sense, it's a death sentence. this world doesn't want autistic people to exist.

"Think I forgot how to be happy"

the crushing weight of all these obstacles that were always there reminds you of its presence. hiding who you really are just to have a chance of fitting in hurts so much. you just want to be accepted for who you are. all the good and the bad. existing overwhelms you.

"Something I'm not, but something I can be"

you're not happy. but this diagnosis is a step. it's gonna take a lot of work, but you can move towards figuring out what makes you tick, and do your best to work with what you are. there are people out there who care about you. there are people who will listen. there are people who will accomodate you. there are safe environments out there. there have to be happy autistic people who exist, right? it has to be possible.

"Something I wait for"

the times need to catch up, but we're further along with our understanding of autistic people than we were a year, 5 years, 10 years ago. it will take a lot of time to understand yourself. it will take a lot of time before the world will accomodate you better. it will take time for you to find the right people and the right places. but it is possible.

"Something I'm made for"

I might not be meant for this world, but I'm meant for someone. for something. for somewhere.

aaaand scene!

like i said, this was my journey to being diagnosed autistic at a late age. i hope other people find it relatable

[defectivegembrain]

Do you maybe have advice on learning to identify things that autism makes more difficult for you? I can't seek a professional diagnosis (for many reasons) but have had a child psychologist recommend seeking professional diagnosis and have done some digging on my own and do find that a lot of symptoms line up for me and some of the coping mechanisms I've found work wonders. But I also have a habit of bottling everything up so hard that even I don't actually notice when something is a problem for me until it's so bad I just can't function I also struggle greatly with actually recognizing emotions so I can rarely tell if I'm actually angry, anxious or just overwhelmed, and I'd really like to not do that it makes it impossible to learn what things specifically bother me and more importantly it makes it impossible to try and either remove myself from the situation or make myself more comfortable with coping mechanisms if I don't even realise I'm being overstimulated or upset until I've passed the point of no return.

Oh that is such a hard thing to do! I'm not always very good at it, but I guess I have a few suggestions. If a child psychologist has recommended diagnosis before, not sure how old you are or how long ago that was, but do you possibly still have access to therapy? If it's at least been recognised that you have traits, a good psychologist might be able to look at ways to understand and work with those traits even without an official diagnosis. Of course that depends a lot on your circumstances.

Independently of that, I know I've found some value in learning about DBT skills, particularly those specifically about emotional regulation, with things like a feelings wheel and a tool to remind you of physical things that can make you more emotionally vulnerable. I've taken a short course a couple of times at my local recovery college (name doesn't mean you have to be working to actually recover from something, basically it's just peer based mental health support). I don't know if there'd be anything like that somewhere near you? Or there are books you can read about it too.

I've also found it helpful to just keep track of emotions, sensations etc just so I can recognise patterns. It doesn't have to be in detail or with great awareness, just whatever you notice is useful. And maybe also what things help, like sensory things that soothe you or a special interest that you engage in? The app Animi is designed specifically to help identify emotions, you input things like body sensations and it tries to guide you towards what emotions might be associated with them. It might also help if you have someone close you can trust who might notice patterns in your behaviour that you don't.

Of course this is all just from personal experience and everyone's different, but just some suggestions. I hope this does get better for you, but also please try not to be too hard on yourself for it. Having trouble telling your feelings and how autism affects you can be an autism thing in itself. It can be really hard and that's not your fault. I wish you good luck.

Followers, anything to add? Pretty sure some of you have experience with this issue

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Hello !! I’d love to request a matchup for mha, pjo, & haikyuu <3

- I use any pronouns & identify as genderqueer

- I am polyamorous, queer, and on the aromantic spectrum. I don’t really experience romantic attraction but I’d be with someone of any gender. For me, I’m just happy being close to those I love whether it’s in a romantic or platonic context. I also enjoy typically romantic stuff like dates and all that :^)

- I am a Gemini & INFP (I think ?)

- I am 5’10, pale, lanky & built like a cereal box. I have freckles and dark circles under my eyes. My hair & eyes are both dark brown, my hair being streaked with white and usually kept down & cut sort of in a shag around my shoulders. I also have a nose that’s kinda big with a bump. I’m almost always wearing glasses & have a wardrobe of long flowy skirts, cute grandma sweaters, graphic t shirts, & fun socks.

- I’ve been told that at first glance I’m a very shy and closed off person, sometimes coming off as cold & like I hate everyone. I’m naturally awkward & socially anxious whenever I’m around people I don’t know well which makes me clam up and rarely speak unless spoken too in which case I’m still soft spoken. It can take a while for me to open up but over time I become a lot more talkative & outgoing around my loved ones. My personality is usually described as dorky, very kind to a fault, a little awkward, and a daydreamer. I would describe myself as very emotional, I’m a huge crybaby, a huge dork, introverted, friendly, and very giggly 24/7. I make a lot of bad dad jokes/puns & will laugh at basically anything. I love rambling about my interests & am very enthusiastic about it.

- I love reading & writing, I have my own worlds that I’ve created in my head and would love to share with anyone who’ll listen. I like reading fantasy & mythology, specifically Alaskan myths because I’m Alaskan. I play peaceful games like stardew valley & animal crossing. I also like sweet things, dnd, music, & animation.

- I dislike big social events & loud music because it overwhelms me. I also don’t like school since it does not work well with my anxiety, ADHD, and (probably) autism. Too much social interaction can tire me out and cause me to shut down & stop speaking until I can recharge.

- My hobbies include writing, drawing, skateboarding, jigsaw puzzles, & crochet.

- My love language is gift giving & time spent together !! I give my loved ones things I’ve made for them like stuffed animals, bracelets, or other art & will buy them snacks or something that reminded me of them. I like spending time with my loved whether we’re talking or just existing in comfortable silence.

I think I included everything I want to !! Thank you very much in advance <3 👾

Hi Anon! Thank you for your request! I hope you like your matchups!

In My Hero Academia, I match you with...

You and Shoto are like the cold-at-first-glance-but-actually-really-nice couple of UA!

You're one of very few people who has heard Shoto genuinely laugh. I see him as someone who loves dad jokes so please tell them to him! He's going to have the best time.

Enjoys listening to you rant about your interests. He doesn't really say a whole lot but be rest assured he's listening attentively.

Similarly, he'd love listening to you talk about your fantasy worlds. He thinks you're very clever to be able to come up with such amazing things.

Shoto also doesn't particularly like loud noises or places so he'll help you avoid them if at all possible. He can't do much about the rest of 1A though. There's no one who can make them quiet down.

Please teach him how to crochet! He'd love to have those sort of skills and has been meaning to try knitting for ages so he'd also love crocheting.

Quality time is also Shoto's love language, so you'll be spending a lot of time together in comfortable silence. Whether you're reading, crocheting, or doing a puzzle together, he just loves your company.

In Percy Jackson, I match you with...

The main man himself! Percy is the most supportive partner you could ever hope for.

Loves skating with you! Percy Jackson is definitely someone who knows some cool tricks on a skateboard and he'd love to have staking dates with you.

Definitely wants to train with you. The best way to make sure you can defend yourself, demigod or not, is to see for himself how strong you are.

Always wears the bracelets you've given him. Yes, he knows he's wearing seven bracelets on one arm. So what?

Another one who loves listening to you ramble about your fantasy worlds. He can't believe you can come up with such creative things when you already deal with all of Greek mythology on a near daily basis.

Super respectful of your dislikes. The minute you walk into a noisy environment, he's scanning to see where a quiet spot is and as soon as he sees you starting to shut down, he's gently pulling you over there for a break.

He'll stay there with you as long as you need, wrapping an arm around you and sitting in comfortable silence.

In Haikyuu, I match you with...

Hinata would love to teach you how to play volleyball. But only if you can teach him skateboarding!

Please teach him skateboarding. But make sure he's wearing a helmet and guards on his knees, elbows, hands...basically everywhere.

He's going to fall over a lot until he gets the hang of it (and still a fair bit after than as well) but he's loving every minute of it.

Keeps everything you've ever given him. Whether he's wearing your bracelets or hanging a crocheted keychain from his volleyball bag, Hinata likes the little reminders of you.

Loves listening to you ramble. And loves rambling to you as well. No one else can get a word in sideways when you're both in the zone.

He can be pretty loud but he'll always try to be more mindful when you're around. He's told you a few times that if he's being too loud, just hit him (or get Kageyama to do it).

Hinata would enjoy relaxing with you after a full day of volleyball. He may have almost inexhaustible reserves of energy but even he needs a break sometimes. Those are the moments when he just wants to relax with you in comfortable silence.

[litterateur97]

Rating My Autism

I saw @isomorbism do this and decided I must do the same. So here’s what being autistic is like for me and how I feel about my symptoms.

Sensory Issues: 5/10 They kind of suck, but I spent so much time masking and trying to ignore them that I don’t always notice how they bother me. Only really becomes a problem when I get to the point that I’m super overstimulated and burnout.

Motor Issues: 5/10 Kind of annoying, but at the end of the day not my worst symptom that I have to put up with. I still bump into stuff and can’t drive, but oh well there are worse things.

Special Interests: 9/10 For the most part these are a lot of fun, I love hyperfixating on shit and making it my entire personality for the rest of forever. However, it does at time annoy others and I don’t like feeling like I am annoying. Otherwise I really love engaging with my special interests.

Rigid Thinking: 1/10 I think this is the worst for me. It makes it really hard for me to get along with others. I wish I could be more understanding with some things, but it is really hard when it comes to my morals and what I think is “right.” I also really really hate that I need things spelled out for me and constant clarification. People treat me like an idiot for it and I hate it. I really wish I could just get things done on my own without asking for directions, but I can’t.

Need for Routine: 3/10 This one is super damn annoying, especially because I also have ADHD and I’m really bad at sticking to routines. I have very little ability to plan things out and prepare for alternative situations on my own, and yet I have a breakdown when others don’t plan things out or prepare for alternate scenarios. It is very frustrating. Also annoying that my ADHD is best treated by me maintaining a routine and yet my ADHD will fucking obliterate my every routine.

Alexithymia: 6/10 I guess it is kind of bad that I don’t know how to identify or express most of my emotions, but considering I usually think I’m on some level of “eh things are alright, could be better, could be worse,” I feel like it’s not a huge deal. 

Hyperlexia: 9/10 It was super fun as a kid being able to read well beyond my level, but I have now burned out and find it hard to read unless something is tied to one of my special interests. At least it still comes in handy when I’m reading fanfiction.

Difficulty Recognizing Social Cues: 1/10 It makes me so damn mad, wtf is a social cue?? I don’t know how to magically guess what someone is trying to say to me. I cannot read subtext. I wish everyone could just speak more directly like I do. And then once again people treat me like an idiot because I do not know how to read their minds. It makes me feel bad. I am able to mimic what I see and read about in regards to social interaction, but it takes so much effort and always leaves me feeling incredibly drained afterwards. 

Difficulty Maintaining Relationships: 2/10 Makes me feel very alone in the world, but also sometimes I like being alone. I have a lot more energy when I am by myself. I just wish it didn’t make me feel like a bad person.

Pattern Recognition: 10/10 Makes me feel like I am psychic.

Average: 5.1 Not too bad.

[thelostgirl21]

It's not too late to find some measure of peace and happiness in your life despite your limitations, and learn to adapt to any permanent health issues you've developed as a result of your trauma, either.

While I appreciate the intent of this message, denying that some of us have suffered devastating physical repercussions that have forever robbed us of having a job, children, a richer social life, and/or the same opportunities as people that grew up and had their whole body and brain develop in a healthier environment is not exactly helping.

If the level of stress you've sustained in your developmental years as a child has sadly left you physically disabled and/or suffering from severe chronic illnesses that makes it impossible for you to sustain a job, have and/or raise children, do a huge number of sports, engage in regular social activities, is forcing you to carefully pace yourself in everything you do, has made you severely allergic/hypersensitive to a number of foods and environmental triggers, etc.

Well, you won't have the option to do everything you dreamed of as a kid, nor shape yourself and your life into what you want.

HOWEVER, you can take a good look at what you have left and what is accessible in the NOW, mourn all of those dreams that have been robbed from your life - cry, rage, throw plates against walls to get the unfairness of it all out of your system - and then decide that you're going to play the cards life has dealt you with to the fullest!

What you have left is yours to own, make the most of it, and find happiness in the most unsuspected places.

At the worst of my illness, when all I could do was lie in bed all day in a room with heavy blind (I have severe reactions to direct and indirect sunlight), I trained my brain to have a complete blast and experience intense joy from running my fingers against the texture of my bed sheets for hours!

Happiness, for me, became having access to soft bed sheets!

When I finally got access to a diagnosis for my condition (after 7 years of research and being seen by 24 different doctors), and was able to go to the mall on my own to shop for a gift for my dad's birthday, I almost broke down in tears right in the middle of the shop because I was extremely overwhelmed with joy.

Every day I'm able to just get out of bed and leave the house on my own, without needing someone driving me around or pushing me in a wheelchair, feels like I'm enjoying ride in Disney World.

When even the smallest little thing brings you joy, things that people take for granted: walking, driving, preparing yourself a sandwich, become a miracle and the greatest gift in the world!

And I hate that people tell me that "I have the right attitude" or that they admire my ability to adapt to my condition and the limitations of my life.

Because that level of adaptability is, and I believe this with all my heart, also a biological feature.

Life is unfair. In the set of cards I was dealt, you found a genetic predisposition to developing a severe case of Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS), that initially presented as Myalgic Encephalomyalitis (ME), under certain circumstances.

HOWEVER, you also found a neurodiverse brain (I've got ADHD with some high functioning autism traits, and was also identified as gifted as a child) that thrives on being alone, can experience the same joy watching the same movie a hundred times, and doesn't feel a need to constantly compare itself to others.

Even my sensory processing disorder seems to play a part as there are some textures / tastes I crave to the point of them bringing me genuine joy, and others I can't stand.

And while I do get moments of despair and what feels like near unbearable emotional pain, experience has taught me that they rarely last more than a few hours or days.

So when I'm having an episode, I've learned not to trust my feelings and hold onto the knowledge that it's a phase that'll go away.

I've made sadness, anger, and pain my "friends". They are emotions I'm familiar with and their job is to let me know that some of my needs and expectations aren't properly being met, and it hurts.

They are encouraging me to pay attention to what's wrong and try to do more things for myself that will make me feel better.

They aren't there to ruin my life, they are there to protect me.

And as soon as I'm back on track, they will go away.

But that is how those emotions work for and with me.

So if you are reading this, please please PLEASE don't you dare feeling defective or like there's something wrong with you for not being able to adapt to your trauma and/or any chronic condition you've developed as a result as well as I seem to be able to.

You may have a predisposition for depression or anxiety that makes finding a silver lining in your limitations a miracle in itself. The efforts required for you to be happy will be greater...

...but perhaps you have access to more energy reserves to get you there than I do.

And perhaps happiness is overrated and your goal should be not to find happiness, but to find another feeling that makes the whole human experience worthwhile.

You can experience a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment in one specific domain that will make you glad you were alive to do it. You may not be "happy", but you'll still be emotionally fed in a sense and feel good in that moment.

In life, there are factors playing against you. Factors playing in your favor.

Identify what they are, take a good look at your own set of cards - the good and the bad - and if you can, then figure out how to make it all work for YOU. Use the resources you have to their fullest potential, be kind with yourself, and give yourself the right and the freedom to live life you own way according to realistic expectations.

Set goals for yourself that you can reach with what you have. Be everything you want to be according to what you are able to be. Have accessible dreams reflecting your own reality.

And if you can, cherish and value those dreams with the same love and intensity as an actor would winning an Oscar! Make those little dreams feel big and redefine the parameters of your world.

For those of you that have the power to reshape your expectations it is going to be one of your greatest ally, so use it.

There is hope, and there is no reason why you should let yourself become trapped in old behavioral patterns of toxic patterns of thought.

If your trauma and/or mental health issues haven't affected your physical abilities as well, then there is indeed time for you to figure out how to enjoy your life and follow some of the dreams you had as a kid.

If the consequences of that trauma and/or mental health issues have permanently impaired certain aspects of you life, then look at what you still have access to, build, and nurture new dreams that may have nothing to do with what you wanted your life to be as a kid, but that will reflect who the person you are wants to do with what they have now.

if you've lost years of your life to abuse or mental illness, please know it's not too late for you. it's never too late for you. you can do everything you dreamed of when you were a kid - there's still time. you have time to shape yourself and your life into what you want. there is no time limit on happiness.

[frogsandfries]

Today's rabbithole is brought to you by

Tulpas. Tulpae?

Anyway, at about midnight this morning, Hannah the Horrible on Youtube posted a video about tulpas and I thought it was kind of interesting. I definitely wanted to do some research on it when I woke up. (Read on at your own risk; I'm no scientist or psychologist.)

So, as any of us do in these times, I poked around with google while also goofing around on my graphic novel. It was fascinating to find, as I had hypothesized, that in my opinion, it is somewhere between schizophrenia and DID on the splitting your mind. I was beginning to put these thoughts to words with my sister, but let me start here:

Before I had started first grade, I was sent to live with my aunt. I was not able to retrieve the files on why this happened, so I'm not going to get into it, but she was already caring for two mentally unstable kids--my older, at the time already a teen, cousin had some emotional issues that went beyond just being a teen, and she was sent away for her behavioral issues at least once; and my other cousin who I think I've talked about proportionally more, who is so severely autistic that he's a ward of the state, and his autism has come with some comorbidities. Anyway, the point--the reason I mention this--is that during the three years, give or take a few months, that I lived with her, I hardly saw her.

She spent so much of her time sleeping through her apparently untreated, or treatment resistant, again not really sure, depression.

Anyway, this escalated at one point, which was the beginning of the end of her care of me. She ended up being briefly institutionalized, diagnosed with bipolar schizophrenia.

Not even a year later, I was back with my womb donor, back in the care of another woman who was biologically related to me who also spoke to people who were not there.

I'm now well over the age of thirty, which is typically the oldest that most people develop any type of schizotypal brain differences, so the fear of developing schizophrenia or bipolar schizophrenia or any of that is well past. But that doesn't undo the fact that I spent the first third of my life very aware that this was something that was written into my very code. It is a door that could be opened in my theoretical child. It makes sense that it would become a bit of a special interest of mine (I know, I sure do have a lot; some of them are much more prominent and some of them only come up when triggered, like now).

To my understanding, schizophrenia is when you understand your internal monologue to be a party separate from yourself. (Completely side note, but I believe this is where some people's concept of the abrahamic god come from. In my personal opinion, I believe a person hearing "god" is actually hearing their own semi-conscious/subconscious/intuition.) I feel it's more of my own personal conjecture that this inability to identify your own personal internal monologue may be why westerners with schizotypal thinking have cruel internal monologues while certain easterners with schizotypal thinking have kinder internal monologues. Westerners, in my experience, tend not to be very kind to ourselves.

Anyway, to me, it makes sense that a person with a morbid fascination with schizophrenia would develop a resulting interest in DID. In my mind, even though schizophrenia and DID don't have anything to do with each other, schizophrenia feels like a stage one and DID feels like a stage two. Where schizophrenia is the mistaking of a certain part of one's mind for something external, DID is the fracturing of a mind so that something that may be triggering or traumatizing can be handled/dealt with/managed by the brain but it doesn't necessarily have to be stored in a readily accessible way.

Now, as we've seen from the last millenia or so, just because we think we've completely figured something out doesn't preclude our understanding evolving. It is most likely that one day, if we don't already, we will have an even clearer understanding of what exactly DID is in the actual tissues of the brain, exactly what it is and how it works and why exactly some children who go through traumas and split and some children deal with their trauma through dissociation or maladaptive daydreaming and the like.

But for now, I want to move to something that I see as an inbetween, between schizophrenia and DID: tulpas.

The human brain is so fascinating. Just. So fascinating. We are only just beginning to understand how it works and how we can interfere with it and how those interferences work on the brain. I envy those in the future where we could potentially do things like record dreams or memories; where we could point to precisely why, for example, SSRIs work. I would love to live in a future where we might one day be able to pinpoint exactly who is going to become, just for example, depressed or schizophrenic, or even autistic, and/or, in cases where we can prevent these complications, we do. I would love to live to see a future where, for example, someone with antisocial personality disorder might be able to be rewired to be empathetic.

But for now, we can only wonder precisely what it is that causes some people to be able to create tulpas. Are these just incredibly detailed imaginary friends? Are they a real splitting of the existing personality? Are they just an unlocking of the innate that is already present in the "host's" mind? What does the brain of someone who created a tulpa look like, compared to someone with a relatively healthy brain?

I'm almost tempted to give it a shot, to see if I could make my own tulpa, but man, I already have so many responsibilities--I take care of the whole house, and all of my sister's multitude of pets, and, at points, I take care of her. I still have to take care of my own cats and make sure they don't feel neglected or forgotten, and I still want to work on my graphic novel sometimes. I just don't have space to be fucking around any more with my brain, even if it would unlock an objective part of myself who could be therapeutic and help me find the solutions that I'm too close to see and too preoccupied to try.

I think that's what this reddit post is getting at. To reiterate, the human mind is absolutely fascinating. It's fascinating that there are brains out there that are autistic and it is fascinating that there are brains out there that are schizophrenic and it is fascinating that there are brains out there that maladaptively daydream and it's all just so fascinating.

It is fascinating that your brain can choose to peel apart and stop accepting the internal monologue (and possibly intuition?) as a part of the brain's self. It is kind of fascinating, when it isn't actively happening, how the brain can peel away from reality itself, to stop accepting reality as reality. Frankly, depression probably would be fascinating (like, what purpose does it actually serve? Why is it beneficial for some of a population to sleep for twelve or more hours a day and do little more than eat and sleep? How does it benefit anyone that an individual can hardly function enough to care for their body??) if it wasn't so exhausting.

I'm going to go off on a bit of a tangent here, but before I started using marijuana, I didn't realize how full of anxiety my brain was. I didn't think it was anxiety; I just though everyone's brain was nonstop full of internal monologue going a mile a minute. It's fascinating that one can know what anxiety is supposed to be, and to be afflicted with such, and to not even know that one has anxiety.

I would say that I don't believe the depression drugs do anything for my anxiety, but on the depression drugs, my constant hamster wheel of thoughtsthoughtsthoughts sure is a lot quieter. In a period where I was recently out of depression medication, my anxiety nearly drove me to a complete panic attack over existential dread.

Anyway, all of these things--things I learned about my own brain and mind through marijuana, and things I learned through talking to other people and things I learned from being on and off and on depression medication--I have found it all very fascinating. It's even been fascinating for me to explore that I might actually have autism and ADHD, to find that I'm not as weird as I have been made to feel.

But all this to say, humans may not have telepathy and clairvoyance and telekinesis, but that doesn't make the human brain any less powerful and magnificent and fascinating. Really, in my opinion, who needs a god. Maybe humans are a scourge on this planet, a species of destructive parasites, but we're also the universe's answer to entropy. Or....at least one answer. Maybe there are other species out there who build things and put things together and craft things, like humans do.

I think my fascination with DID and tulpas is just a general fascination with something that can be done to or with the human brain which is rather niche and unusual, with not enough explanation. I think it's absolutely fascinating that with some meditation, you can split your brain on purpose, and unlike in DID, the whole point is that you know that this other persona is in there, and you have some kind of relationship with that persona. I would love some proper scientific information on what exactly is going on inside the brain when a tulpa is made and when the tulpa is doing its thing. There is no possible way that your brain could just have this other "entity" around all the time, right? Even in DID, the personae switch around, and in DID, its commonly understood that the personae never interact with each other, and most never even know the others are there. Running more than one persona/lity at once--wouldn't that be like trying to run two PCs on one PC? It would be so resource intensive, wouldn't it??

There is no way a tulpa is a completely unique being; it is literally just another part of the brain, kind of the way that people with their (I believe it's the corpus callosum) cut so that the lobes of the brain can't directly communicate to each other, will button their shirt with one hand and unbutton it with the other; except now, in a way, in theory, one could ask the other side of the brain like "why do you keep unbuttoning our shirt?" and the other side of the brain would have access to the resources that would allow it to communicate this to the side of the brain that's in charge.

It's also fascinating in itself to know that there is essentially one side of the brain that is in charge, constantly quieting and quelling the other side of the brain--or perhaps outright ignoring that side of the brain. This knowledge alone is like a drop of water on your tongue when your mouth is completely dried out, it's so compelling but the information I want is just out of reach at present. There's so much I want to know about the intricacies of tulpa that we just don't have enough knowledge about the brain yet.

Also, what magic is meditation that you can either create a tulpa, or find inner peace, and in the right hands, could those be the same thing and how does that work???

Anyway, I don't even feel like I really have anything cogent to say. I just want more scientific literature on tulpas. Tulpae? Tulpar? I want to know. I almost don't even care about people's like, wonderlands and the actual tulpa themselves. I just want to know literally how the mechanics of the brain are mechanicking.

But again, to be totally honest, I don't want to do it to my own brain because I don't think I'm mentally stable enough to create a healthy tulpa, and I definitely do not get enough spoons in a day to be devoting that much energy to meditating essentially a magic imaginary friend to life and then trying to cultivate that relationship with myself/this newly unlocked part of my brain. I'm already trying to cultivate about five other relationships with myself. And then to continue to have it using my brain spoons?? Yo. You guys know why I'm still single: I live in the middle of fucking nowhere and don't have fucking energy to cultivate new relationships with presently-strangers. Otherwise I would be spending some nights at a home that is not my sister's. Literally no offense meant to her home. I just spend literally days at a time here because there is no-fucking-where else to be and I do not have the energy to try to get other places.

Plus, the energy I could be devoting to a tulpa, I want to preserve for my house duties and my cats and my graphic novel. I think I have enough hobbies, and I'm okay enough with my solitude. I don't need essentially a fancy imaginary friend. Even if that friend would be everything that I've ever unconsciously aspired to be and never could be. Even if that imaginary friend might theoretically be like, not autistic and maybe have a higher EQ than I have, and maybe they could theoretically find us a really good life partner and/or help me pick up driving. I'd rather just focus on working on my graphic novel. Selfish, I know. But I already have two pets and that's so much for me. I'm honestly not sure how I would do having a child. I mean, I make space in my day for my sister and her shenanigans. I'm certain I could definitely make space for one more entity in my life. But I'd rather it was an entity outside of my brain.

On another tangent though, I'm really pleased and proud of myself. When I first left my parents' home at nearly, basically twenty, I was absolutely anguished. I had survivor's guilt bad. It was also hard to be suddenly away from my abuser, like withdrawals. I know it's been over a decade, and I better have gotten over these things. I will never tolerate in my home yelling and raging like my womb donor used to do. I'm also getting much better at identifying abusers and cutting them off at the knees. Every time I enter a long-term relationship, I'm more and more an abuser's nightmare. I'm difficult and stubborn and demanding and expectant.

And furthermore, after paying my own rent on my own apartment leases for about four years, I know that I can support myself and I can live entirely by myself--furthermore, in one of the most dangerous cities in the country. I've lived in two of the most dangerous cities in the country, by myself. I've become quite comfortable and secure living by myself. So when I am next ready to expend my energy looking for a life companion, I'm in a fantastic place of power. I don't need a relationship for survival. I can choose a relationship that benefits me and serves my higher desires.

I figured since I spent this whole ramble talking about mental health, I should point out further why I don't believe a tulpa would really fit into my life right now. But at twenty, or seventeen, or twenty-five, I might have thought it was worth the time and energy and commitment. Would it have accelerated my growth and confidence as a person? Would those still be journeys I would have to take for myself? Would it have stunted my growth as a person?

Honestly who knows, but I don't think I have whatever it is--the desperation? The mental illness?? The peace?--for a tulpa. And so, at least for now, I'll just have to wonder.

[type1cyclingdan]

Mentors

What is a mentor?

“A mentor may share with a mentee (or protege) information about his or her own career path, as well as provide guidance, motivation, emotional support, and role modeling. A mentor may help with exploring careers, setting goals, developing contacts, and identifying resources”.

A mentor can be someone that guides you, coaches you in person, but you can also have people that you follow from a distance such as famous successful people that have achieved great things in their field whether it be sports, acting, business etc.

I have all different kinds, I class my boss as a mentor and role model, I follow lots of different people in business and sports that I can learn from and then there are people that I have followed in cycling professionals and local racers like a guy called Colin Ward when I started cycling he was one of the best in Essex and could more than hold his own around the country. (And still can by the way).

He is amazing on a bike and he makes it look so easy and at times effortless, there were many a Time Trial where Colin has passed me, but he has always been so approachable at races and on the occasions that he used to come to the club I rode with Athlon CC for the Saturday group rides he always had time to talk. Colin now has his own coaching company, so if you want to be coached by one of the best, look him up. Tried and Tested Cycle Coaching.

Then there is a recently retired pro cyclist who is based in Essex that also used to come to Athlon rides occasionally called Alex Dowsett who again always had time to talk to you and give advise and as someone that has haemophilia is an inspiration to those that get told that they should not try to race. Really looking forward to his book coming out on the 28th September about his life, but he once told me that he would bring a book out about being a Time Trialist once he retired so hoping for it soon.

Some of the other people that I follow are Luke and Tom Stoltman, Tom has been the world strongest man twice, he has Autism but has found that training has really helped his confidence and Luke his older brother has been a massive part of Toms success. I find their story really inspirational and love their attitudes.

There are many more out there that I take things from the newest person that is up there is a guy called Andrew Kerr he has type 1 diabetes and has had it a lot longer than me and races bikes also. He recently started up the team Inflite Type One, which is a team that is for people with type one diabetes. And ever since I have been diagnosed with T1D, he has been a source of support and is always there with encouragement and guidance, and he is a pretty good racer as well.

Then there are those that you would love to be able to be like. One of my favourite cyclist was a guy called Fabian Cancellara. He was so strong on a bike that he made it look easy at times. He could just ride people off of his wheel without getting out of the saddle.

I 100% believe that it is important to have these people to look up to and try and take the bits about them that you like and try and put them into your own life.

I have recently been watching everything that I can about successful people in all walks of life the latest was Michael Jordans The last dance on Netflix which was really good for seeing what can be achieved if you work hard but obviously have some natural ability.

One of my favourite films is a film Will Smith was in called The Pursuit of Happiness. It was about a guys struggle to become a successful businessman. In one scene his little son is saying how he want to be a famous basket ball player and he shoots him down and the kid gets upset and the dad then says to the boy don’t ever let someone tell you that you can’t do something not even me.

If there is something that you want to achieve, then go for it. If you work as hard as you possibly can to achieve something within reason, then why can’t you achieve it. The only certain thing is that you will not achieve anything if you do not even try.

Henry Ford said that “If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.” So believe in yourself and work at it every day, and you never know what you can achieve  “Shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you will land amongst the stars”.

 Dream big, keep trying and never give up and always believe that you can achieve.

[ghosty1111]

cant decide if its my depression making me numb to anger and sadness or if my brain is just in denial as a coping mech ):