#like in my actual physical mouth
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#wanna hear something that happened today to me that I find both viscerally appalling but also somewhat mind boggling#I got fuckin gum surgery#like in my actual physical mouth#like earlier today#I’m not like an 80 year old women either#I’m a spritely young thing myself#but because of modern orthodontia (getting braces)#which I had done#it’s become slightly more common for gum recession to occur on young adults#ain’t that just absolutely fucking freaky#of anybody wants my to tag my tags as anything as I continue to narrate my journey just lemme know ig?#if your not sure maybe just don’t check the tags for the next day or two#basically I won’t explain anything gory#but it will all be revolving around the same#frankly revolting topic#of gum surgery#slav#slav every day#voltron
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the only thing i took away from hsr 2.1 is that march is gay
#who is this bartender and can she become playable she deserves a full on the mouth kiss#hsr spoilers#hsr#also aven meeting his younger self is cute tho i still havent gotten to the part where they explain who tf is speaking thru his future self#but i actually hate how the game pushes you to keep pulling for newer units oh my god like i dont wanna do dot damage stop making your boss#bosses able to be oneshotted by black swan acheron kafka and nobody else#pov person who hasnt progressed through aven boss fight because it's taking way too damn long. prolly a skill issue but just let me play#my fav characters i dont need this fucking powercreep stuff T_T#ramblings!#also aven is growing on me but also idc his design is too dripless and so is boothill's im like -_-#the only pretty people are robin and siobhan the bartender and im so sick of physical..............#also i tghink this is just a side effect of being way more invested in genshin bc i cannot fully pay attention to the lore tm#they be revealing things left and right and i just dont care so it flies over my head#at least they properly gave everything needed to understand avens backstory before we have to fight him
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#Utami Hayashishita#the sound - that actually physically came out of my mouth. Look. I'm not proud. Am I ashamed of myself? Yes. Am I embarrassed? Absolutely.#sorry didn't mean to moan like that my bad#I have a problem. Like. BAD
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ooh talking about kissies.. i did that for a qrp chain on bluesky.. Ambrose and Olive kissies.....
#mostly sketches because i actually don't draw kisses that much#i like it a lot.. but it's not my fav physical touch to draw i think#And you can notice that when Olive is the one doing the kiss it's often on the mouth#and when it's Ambrose it's often on Olive's neck..#do whatever you want of this info#also i wanted to only put the one where you can see both of their faces#but i also have some tummy kisses..
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i've never been physically violent to my coworkers but i got awfully close earlier
#ace rambles#worst part is that guy is normally cool he just decided to ignore every word that came out of my mouth for no reason#it was a very simple issue. the lock to the lego case was jammed#like physically actually jammed. i needed someone stronger than me to get it loose because i am Weak#first he said ''just push on it'' like i hadn't already tried that#and then he rattled off like 4 different solutions that involve my work phone as if it was an issue of me not being able to unlock it#when i TOLD HIM. i TOLD HIM!!!!#i said to him multiple times that no. it's not my work phone. it's not that i don't have access or that the app doesn't work.#it's PHYSICALLY JAMMED. THE ACTUAL PHYSICAL LOCK IS STUCK.#and then he had the audacity to go ''oh it Is jammed'' YEAH MAN THAT'S WHAT I TOLD YOU SEVEN TIMES#i didn't punch him but it was very very close#negative//
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i love my new therapist so much cause she’s the first person i’ve ever met who takes me seriously when i talk about suicide even though i don’t have a concrete plan and haven’t actually made any attempts yet
#with everyone else it’s like. hey i feel violently suicidal i started s*lf h*rming again and i feel so miserable im in physical pain#‘oh cool. well have you attempted suicide in the past?’#no. ‘well do you even have a plan for what you’d do?’#also no.#’okay well i don’t really care. have some more prescription medication that you continually threaten to od on’#’btw have you tried just not being depressed? maybe give that a shot. okay that will be one billion dollars see you next month’#but emily (that’s my new therapists name) actually listens to me#and acknowledges how scary and concerning being in my mindset is#and she walks me through what my options are for when it gets really bad#and i like that when i go quiet cause i don’t know what to say she doesn’t get frustrated with me for wasting time and she doesn’t#put words in my mouth and decide what i’m feeling for me#she asks what im thinking and gives me the space to process what i am thinking and if i can’t talk about it she tries to walk me through#the thought process and doesn’t push me. if i don’t wanna talk i don’t have to#basically. i like her a lot so far. and i still feel bad a lot#but having someone finally actually listen and take me seriously makes me feel a little better#she doesn’t just repeat ‘oh it’ll get better you’ll be fine’#she’s willing to stay in the present with me and figure out how i’m going to get through the next week instead of making me figure out my#whole life right now#sigh#snow.txt
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maybe i should talk/show more about my oc now that i’m thinking… idk! everyone is doing something for their ocs/self inserts idfkkkk…
like i just made her for funsies like haha what if i’m eltingville also everyone is eltingville/northwest why not do it…
#nobody will care anyways ANWAYS#she could be based in worse part of me to show and how toxic someone can be with their friends#or also based on how people have treated me back then when i was a teen and met some not so good friends…#yeah… maybe it could be like that but she would be very much a men hater god so toxic so she would never meet those nerd boys#is not like she wants to anyways BUT i think she meets Josh NOT in the comic store#but in some random store that sells everything yknow and they both saw a book/comic they both liked so much and then started to argue#but Vick is kinda the same as Bill and she doesn’t take a no (although she’s not physically violent like Bill but she has a big mouth)#but she’s a loser so she stfu to Josh and get the book. until they made some weird decision bc he never saw a girl like that#or fought with a girl about something he likes more than just getting insulted from his back so like they would exchange numbers/socialmedia#to read the book they want aaand that’s how they became friends because then josh started to chat more with her yknow#bc they both like akira and also robots so bc he is autistic and annoying he can’t stop yapping now that he has a friend#if he thinks that’s a friend bc Vick always blocks him bc he is so fucking annoying. yknow. meeting more toxic ppl in his life poor guy#but yeah that will be the arc of her i guess she’s also pretty lonely but the thing is she got used to it so she likes it#although doesn’t like to deal with idiots and that’s the first guy friend she ever had#her other best friend and only friend (also half toxic relationship but she treats her better) is with fake geek girl#they are from the same school and Vick always give her terrible advices and how men are terrible blah blah blah actual nonsense#also Vick is like the toxic equivalent of Bill in a girl but less violent and not that loser (she is tho)#so she will put fake geek girl into problems when she didn’t do anything and it was all Vick faults! so yeah that’s their friendship#it’s like Jerry and Bill but girls and they don’t punch each other or insult each other. but is still toxic#SO YEAH AHAHHA A LOT OF YAPPING IN HERE ABOUT MY OC MAYBE I SHOULD DRAW HER#i guess idk maybe yes maybe nah too busy
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havin a week/few days where i think: i deserve a fucking nobel peace prize and a congressional medal of honor for not being the biggest bitch in the whole wide world to everyone right now
#theres not even like. A Thing. it's 2800 million little things#i'm not even mad at. no that's a lie i am mad at a very few specific people who are not on tumblr#but more just triggered. ptsd wise. only ive healed so much that the fight/flight/fawn/freeze response keeps coming up 'kill' i mean fight.#while also being healed enough to fully recognize that the temporary anger i'm feeling and urge to lash out physically doesn't reflect my#actual issue wouldn't solve anything wouldn't make me feel better and isn't within my moral standards. physically hurting someone out of#everyday frustration is not it. i can fantasize about slapping the nearest jerk with a smelly trout or frothing at the mouth in rage#but does that actually productively work towards solving the problem that frustrated me? not really. there are better ways to express that.#and to actually communicate my needs. but yeah i do probably have to work on expressing that stuff bc i am a little stuck in it rn.
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"your experience with romance repulsion as an aromantic person is exactly like me :) I'm the same way with everyone except my partner" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUHHHH
#IMGOIJG TO KILL MYSELF IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF#please oh my god for the love of fucking god i dont care if youre also aromantic if you are in a relationship with anyone or you want to be#you CANNOT relate to me. it is physically not possible for you to relate to my experience#because being so romance repulsed that im incapable of being in a relationship is FOUNDATIONAL to my experience.#im not trying to revoke your aro card. im not the fucking faggot police and im not trying to be#you can be aro in whatever way you want#but if im telling you my experience as an actually romance repulsed person and you have a partner how about before you say you relate to me#you instead. close your mouth#or better yet: say something that ISNT “i relate to this!” BECAUSE YOU DONT AND YOU CANT#nobody has any fucking idea how isolating it is to feel like theres something wrong with you because the only aro people you meet are#partnered or not averse to partnership and yet theyre claiming they have the same experiences as you#NO YOU DONT#and again. im not saying that means youre not a “real” aro whatever the fuck that means#but i am saying we are completely different in this way so stop telling me you relate. YOU DONT.#aromanticism#vent
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Nothing pisses me off more than when people talk about my friendships with mid-support needs autistics and other people with differently-wired brains as if I am descending to help them because I’ve taken them on as a charity case. That is NOT true. Oh they’re a burden because they’re neurodivergent? WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT: SO AM I! THE REASON I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS WITH SO MUCH SHIT WRONG WITH THEM IS BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF SHIT WRONG WITH ME. WE ATTRACT EACH OTHER! WE LIKE EACH OTHER! IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND!
#How about I just start strangling ableists from now on?#Would THAT convince them I’m actually this person’s real friend?#Literally nothing I say to them is able to get through their dense fucking skulls—#as if it’s sooooo hard for them to believe I actually enjoy their company#Also (halfway unrelated): if I hear “It takes a special person to work with special children” one more time I am going to SCREAM#Tell me I’m calm; tell me I’m patient; tell me I’m creative— do NOT tell me I’m “special” for doing a job I LOVE#Can you imagine telling a quantum physics major “It takes a special person to solve special math problems?”#😂💀 WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I’m gonna start saying that to people from other professions. To see how they like it.#The children are not a burden to me; the children are very enjoyable to be around#and I enjoy troubleshooting what is preventing them from learning and coming up with workarounds for them#I made a glued roll of paper for a kid who constantly peels their skin because I saw them peeling crayons#It works!#I made math problems into a Skibidi Toilet role playing game for another kid who hides under tables when it’s time to work. It works!#You know why I was able to come up with either of these inventions? Huh? You wanna fucking know?#1.) I peel my lips and mouth and palms of my hands and calluses and cuticles and scabs; and#2.) I have awful executive dysfunction and have to do weird stuff to engage myself#People talk to me like I’m one of the “normal” ones; little do they know I’m getting assessed for ADHD and score 142 on the RAADS-R#and I essentially self-destruct when I get mad so I don’t break valuable items or punch through drywall and oak doors#I give myself bruises that swell a half inch high and form hematomas under the skin#I think I’ve permanently weakened the blood vessels and a vein in my right thigh from beating it so much#because it only takes one well-placed blow on my right; but several blows to my left#And I can see the bruise pooling towards my heart along the path of that vein from day to day after the initial beating#and sometimes it just randomly aches when it’s not injured; so I have to shift my weight when the kids sit in my lap wrong#so with that and something else I did to it not super recently that I should have gone to urgent care for… I probably have nerve damage lol#so it’s gross when people say such things about other NDs to me as if I am above them#Just fuck off already
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why he so mysterious…
demur
#weezer#rivers cuomo#i had a bad day! well actually i looked freaking amazing and got sm compliments today sooo!! i am pretty as freaksauce.#it was fairly good but i failed my physics test :(( …. it’s so sad… 34 percent before the curve.#34?!??? HOW???? I THOUGHT J ATE TS UP???#so yeah; insane …. but it’s okay because i’m good at other stuff and have other things i am good at!#oh yeah so guys guys guys.#there’s this girl who i do not like and i have not liked her since freshman year; right? and she’s fairly popular; your average overachieve#ing person; BUT i always didn’t like her. she left a bad taste in my mouth and i didn’t know if i was just jealous or WHAT#BUT I HAVE REASON TO HATE JER! MY GUT WAS RIGHT!#good job lyss#she’s a homewrecker and basically likes to get w people who have partners…. AND SHE WSS BEING FLIRTY W MY BF LIKE HELLO ???#who she think she is?#my bf doesn’t talk to her anymore since i said i don’t rlly like her and how she is thankfully#but my friend was talking to me in Seminar and was like ‘oh ya if i had a bf i’d kms than let him be around her.’ is that mean ? or is it#okay since she has done that multiple times then gets defensive and hates to be called out for kt#her gf right now had cheated on her boyfriend for the girl i don’t like; and this has happened TWICE!#HELLO???#like wtf…. and she sends the screenshots of it when she stops talking w the person who cheated on their partner for her and starts to play#the victim… like the weezer song. you can’t pay for dinner w the victim card ya.#well billy talent; but you know what i mean. so she’s playing the victim and she was saying “omg…. this feels so wrong…. but-but i love you.#stfu yn 😭#like holy moly. holy guac. “i don’t know how to quit you…’ turn off your phone ! (^^) close the app !#easy as that girl dw i got you#but for real. NOBODY LIKES JER BC SHES SO TOXIC. OMG IM SO JAPPY IM NOT ALONE ONNMY HATE TRAIN#anyways yeah. i can go more in detail for you all if anybody cares about my silly high school drama
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the reason i brought any of this up is because I really appreciate this space and enjoy it a lot, and I'd like to help keep it safe and comfortable for everyone !! This is not me trying to stir up negativity of any kind - I'm actually hoping to do the opposite of that. I tend to keep to myself for the most part but I don't want to let things fester, y'know?
I'm hoping that by bringing it up in an open (and hopefully non-shaming) way, I can help to cultivate a space where we feel safe and don't feel like we have to watch our backs all the time. I don't want people feeling like one wrong move will get them ex-communicated or something (but maybe that's just a personal paranoia of mine that nobody else shares ^^;;), and I don't want anyone feeling left in the dark and wondering if they're doing something wrong or that people don't like.
This feels like a very silly post to make because at the end of the day I really am sort of a nobody in the community (not to mention, I have zero authority in any sort of way dsfjkl) and I'm far too socially anxious to step outside of the bubble I have currently, but ... I'd like to do what I can to make this a good bubble I guess fsdkl
#i just feel like every time there's an issue then people get worried and feel like the community has become unsafe or too negative#and that is not my goal !! i do not want that to happen !! i actually want the opposite of that !! i'm aiming for the opposite!#and I am very sorry if I have made a mountain out of a molehill but I get very worried about racism starting to run rampant and unchecked#i've seen it happen many times in many different spaces so I want to ensure it doesn't happen here!#I feel like all of you in my bubble are very kind and thoughtful and smart so I felt it would be worth it to bring it up just in case#sorry I feel like this is just... sticking my foot in my mouth so much. i really try to stay out of things as much as possible#because i get genuinely physically sick because my nervous system is so ridiculously broken ^^;;#but I just felt it'd be worth bringing up to try to help keep this a positive and safe environment! but i worry i've made it worse! ack!!#so i do very genuinely apologize if I've made a big deal out of nothing dsfjkl I'm just so afraid of things heading in a bad direction here#i treasure this space too much to let it go like that! but then I worry I will be the one to dig it into the ground by being overly anxious#dandy.cmd
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ever since i was a kid i knew i should get lip fillers or a lip lift or something && i am still so in need of it i detest my lips n the general way my mouth moves so much but then even the thought of having 2 go for that feels so embarrassing because like. theyre gonna take one look at me n be like OH Boy. there is so much work 2 be done here. u are so hideous and this is the only thing you're doing ...?
#i think its made a lot worse by the fact i have always been so conscious of it that ive trained myself to barely move my mouth#so i just. look even more awkward#even vids of me as a kid talkibg u can see how hard im trying#another thing that makes me look worse is that when i talk u see my bottom teeth more than my top#and i dont. know why#i actually have an overbite#&& yes i do take videos of myself talking 2 scrutinize every part of my face LMAO...#god i hate the way my face moves so much i just. i dont know what to do about it#it looks so alien#u can tell i dont know how 2 be a person#i genuinely dont know if it's a physical thing or its just the autism#because i know i do have a lot of like. very common autistic mannerisms#esp in my face#& i wonder if i could train it out#only some of them though most i dont mind#i feel like theyre all so cute on other ppl it's just me it. looks so bad#i just o(-< dont want to be ugly anymore man i want 2 offer something i want to be worthy of love im given
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So yesterday I (French), had to do a wisdom teeth operation (in a French hospital) while having a general anesthesia (yes it hurts that bad that they had to put me asleep).
And then me (still French) woke up in the waking room (still in France in a French hospital) and asked in the millisecond of me waking up, before even opening my eyes « How much longer until the dizziness wears off? » (in English)… (English..???)
Yes English.
But it gets worse : I didn’t even realize it at first, until one of the nurse laughed and said « Elle est entrain de parler anglais! » « quelqu’un parle anglais? Je comprends pas ce qu’elle dit » (« She’s speaking english ! » « Does someone speak English? I don’t understand what she’s saying »).
And then. Upon realizing that I was speaking english, I realized something even more horrible : I couldn’t speak french anymore.
Like I understood french (obviously and pretty much normal when you are BORN AND RAISED FRENCH), but I couldn’t for the life of me remember how to speak french for a solid TWO MINUTES.
And two minutes might seem okay, but no it isn’t. It is NOT "okay"
Anyway I made the nurses laugh which is a win to me anyway.
#also my little brother did the same surgery as me 45 min before and was still in the waking room when I came back from mine#and he decided to address me a middle finger because he was completely off because of the anesthesia and thought he was funny#spoiler alert: it was actually#I woke up with the anesthesia shooting me physically but not mentally (which apparently should have)#so it was really funny seeing him like that (not that he is any less dumb usually)#I made him a heart with my hand right after#he made one back#Wich let’s be honest wouldn’t have happened in any other situation lmaooo#🫶🏼#Also I’m coughing blood#but they said it was normal so I guess I’m just gonna have fun and play with the members of my family who are gonna visit today#Like « Oh no I’m coughing blood what is happening#actually no I shouldn’t#still debating it#surgery#bilingual issues#bilingual issues I didn’t know could exist but apparently does#But I guess it makes sense since I think in English A LOT and the anesthesia was still shouting me down enough for me not to switch back#Whatever bye I’m tired and my mouth the size of a balloon#(a win is a win)
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Getting spoiled on four major plot points of one of my fave shows of all time during its last arc is not the fucking vibe man
#tazzykiki#are manga readers physically incapable of shutting the fuck up#like it doesn't fully ruin it for me#but also it'd be nice to be able to experience it in my own way????#I have so many tags blocked#I had to unfollow so many tags because people do not tag spoilers#despite tagging every single fucking pixel of whatever they post#and yet ppl just cant keep shit to themselves for one fucking second#like OH MY GOD#it's such a nothing complaint#but jesus christ#like beforehand I always got spoiled on like one or two minor things#but with THE LAST FUCKING ARC#I get spoiled on 3(now 4) major fucking plot points#with only one that i dont mean being spoiled on#because otherwise I would've been genuinely upset#but like JESUS#SHUT UP#FUCK#Im gonna be sad when it ends#but also so grateful because i'll actually be able to fully interact with shit#and make my dash a lot more fun hopefully#ough#ugh#if someone came up to me#and said 'hey i'm a manga reader'#i'd glue their mouth shut#for my sake and theirs
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we have a dentist appointment tomorrow and on the plus side we're not really anxious about the appointment itself because the dentist was so nice last time and actually took our medical trauma into account.
unfortunately though we do have to have anaesthetic which makes us feel like shit for at least the rest of the day, and no matter how considerate the dentist is, having a medical professional touch us at all does still trigger certain trauma and then I end up having a bunch of panic attacks at some point within the next few days and it's a really shit time. I really don't wanna have to deal with that and the concept of it is making me nauseous
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#<- kinda#medical trauma#(this turned into a long rant about medical trauma and consent so here's your warning for that if you read the tags)#I didn't like medical professionals touching me anyway but ever since the stuff last April when we went to the hospital#it's been a way bigger issue and I end up being an absolute wreck for a while because of it#I cannot begin to express how much I do not want a medical professional touching me at all but especially not in my mouth#and any other situation where someone shoves their fingers in your mouth when you don't want them to would be considered really violating#but because it's for medical reasons and we have to put up with it if we actually want treatment nobody around us seems to see it like that#same goes for various other medical procedures where it's like if a stranger touched me like that when I really didn't want them to#in any other situation that would be assault but because it's a medical setting I'm expected to just be okay with it???#idk I probably haven't explained any of this right but I just don't like that people treat medical stuff as a special scenario#that's exempt from causing the same distress as any other scenario where someone touches you when you don't want them to#even though our brain is processing them the same way and we can't magically make that not happen#I know technically with medical procedures you (usually?) consent#but it's like... the choice is either consent to it or have your health keep getting worse#and once again in any other situation if your choices were to either consent or experience physical harm#that wouldn't really be considered consent and would be really distressing#I'm literally only consenting out of fear of what happens if I don't which... technically isn't consent but what choice do I have#idk this stuff is probably an issue specifically because of our trauma#but even still I would like to be taken seriously when I say I feel violated after medical procedures
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