#idk this stuff is probably an issue specifically because of our trauma

[yourentity06]

WARRIORS ANALYSIS SORT IF MAYBE IDK (PLS READ THIS IS SO INTERESTING TO ME)

Hi!! I’m not currently active, but I’ve been a long time LU fan. Because I haven’t been super on, I'm not aware of all the happenings, so sorry if someone has already done something similar to this!!

While I am not active in LU, I am very deep into Marvel, specifically Captain America and the Winter Soldier. In that fandom I have learned so much more about war and intense combat related PTSD and how it affects a person during said war and after said war, and me being myself I’ve fallen into a fun and exciting hole of more realistic behavioral things the Chain would do due to each of their journeys, but specifically Warriors.

To start off, we need to understand that the Chains’ journeys are absolutely nothing compared to the wars and stuff our world has faced. If you think about it, most of their trials and traumas are due to scare factors and being at constant risk. They only really fight monsters, who aren’t necessarily sentient beyond that of a malicious animal and when one of the Links do fight sentient beings they usually do not end up out right killing them like the monsters. Since this is the case, there’s only a small factor of guilt that adds to their trauma like not being fast enough or not saving the kingdom or not saving a single person etc. The only Links (off the top of my head and to my knowledge) who have actually killed another human are Warriors and probably Time considering he was a member of the royal guard.

Here’s where it gets even more complicated.

In the American army one of the things that they contort your brain into doing at boot camp and throughout their service is to dehumanize the enemy. In doing so it makes it easier for soldiers to function in combat and not mentally collapse (it also makes it harder for them to integrate back into society). Even though they do this, it is in their human nature to see humanity and feel that guilt when they kill people, especially when their service is over. That guilt is added on to the regular traumatic and horrific act of killing in general. Because of the guilt and everything, soldiers often cut off their emotions, get that ‘thousand yard stare’, are distrustful of people  (because if they did it to other people other people could do it to them), and distrustful of themselves. They will go quiet or loud, have big outbursts or lay motionless, isolate themselves and push people away. These things could lead into so many other things but I don’t wanna get into that right now.

Now, considering Hyrule’s history of only like, 4(?) wars (against each other) from Sky’s time to Wild’s time, I think it’s safe to assume rulers would get a little too comfortable and just train their soldiers in combat against monsters rather than people. This leads me to assume that when Warrior’s was training to become a knight, he did not get that training that dehumanized the enemy because the enemy already wasn’t human to begin with. 

So, while I agree with everyone that Warrior’s finding out that some of his men were made into traitors would give him huge trust issues and all, the fact that he had to kill another human being has affected him so much worse, especially since he didn’t have the training that real life soldiers had to keep them from losing it in combat.

I have so much more I could say about this kind of stuff, but this is getting super long lol. DO WITH THIS INFORMATION WHAT YOU WILL!! :))

[thelittlemermage]

Actually, I do completely understand how and why Gen Z came to feel the way they do about internet/fandom culture. I just think their solution to fixing the issue is misguided and more reactionary than solution-oriented based on personal trauma. The open internet and fandom culture itself was never built for small children to be able to safely wander around in. There were specific spaces for children like Neopets, Disney.com games, stuff like that. You wouldn’t have a little kid on social media. There was no social media. You’d have forums and myspace at best. Youtube was literally built because the creator wanted to show an uncensored nip slip. So the idea of protecting children was not a necessity because children were not online yet in the way adults or older teenagers were online.

What happened was technology progresses at and extremely fast rate. Faster than you can move around content on the internet or develop a different culture where kids are expected to just be around. And this unfortunately happened alongside child-friendly sites being eliminated. I’d say even with those sites tho, no one should have ever been giving two year olds ipads with unrestricted internet access. None of these kids should have been in the position to be able to come across fandom porn without their parents noticing. That’s crazy to me. My parents would check what sites I was visiting on our family computer. I think these kids were failed by ignorant parents and just...our ability to create technology faster than we know what to do with it. I think it’s horrifying we have a generation of kids who were all exposed to porn at a young age. I think a lot of things they say and do are because it fucked up their view of sex. And that’s not their fault, but I think a lot of young adults probably need to be in therapy about it and idk if they’re aware. Attacking art on the internet can’t heal your inner child. But I’m getting ahead of things.

I think we can all agree a lot of shit came to a head with MLP fandom. Those guys generated an unprecedented amount of porn, even for fandom. And this was also at a time when a lot of kids were now online and looking up their favorite shows. I don’t think there could be worse timing for anything. I don’t even want to say MLP fandom was all bad, a lot of them dedicated time to rounding up nsfw images that show up in google search and reporting it. But it was definitely a huge shitshow that I think molded a lot of people’s ideas of cartoon porn on the internet.

I still find the idea of a “kid’s fandom” oxymoronic because until recently a fandom for any cartoon would not be a “kid’s fandom”. It would be a fandom of adults and teens talking about a show that as aimed at kids, but no one would find that particularly relevant. Because the people present were not young kids. Animaniacs was actually one of the first big fandoms on the internet and it was big with college students. (Btw I feel like someone is going to purposefully start something because I keep referring to kids and teens separately. This is because there is obviously a huge difference developmentally in what content say a 7 year old and a 17 year old can handle. Whether or not a 17 year old should look at adult content, it’s not going to fuck them up the way it would a prepubescent child. I think that’s obvious. Trust and believe I’d look at a lot of shit I wasn’t supposed to as a teen and that was a purposeful choice on my part. I don’t have any particular regrets about this and I don’t feel any disgust towards sexual content, nor did I at the time. But if I was a little kid and it was being shoved in my face at random, I imagine I’d have to shit to work through. So for clarity, that’s what I mean.) I think fandom in the current year would look at something like patb fandom and be like “yea, a kid’s show for kids. It’s a kid fandom.” Maybe it would be currently, idk, but until now everyone here was in their 20′s and 30′s because it’s a show from the 90′s. So I do think there’s a culture gap in the understanding of what a fandom even looks like.

Ultimately tho, and this is my opinion based on living through all of it so far, I don’t think the problem is with the type of content people make. Frankly, having grown up in a time when every other fic was untagged noncon (because believe it or not, it’s a very common fetish and I promise that has not changed as much as people act shocked and outraged by it now. The same amount of people are still into it. They’re just in an environment where all their friends would come after them if they knew and they aren’t stupid. So they join in attacking others, but just know a lot of your friends do read it on the side, regardless of what they say publicly. 🤷‍♀️I see those kudos.) and I’ve never been as disgusted and genuinely distressed by that as I have with how real living people are treated in fandom today. It makes me sick to my stomach the things people do to each other. Fanfic and fanart have NEVER triggered me. This shit does. That CANNOT be the solution. It’s an impossible fight to begin with to eliminate everything you don’t like from fandom. And really things have come a long way with tagging believe it or not. I can avoid things like never before. So actually going out of your way to attack something you don’t NEED to look at just because it exists is just stupid to me. I’m not sure how purposefully looking at stuff you hate actually helps you with not seeing the things you hate. People obviously won’t agree with me, but I don’t think your art defines your morals. Art can be/mean anything, and I don’t personally want to live in a world that dictates “immoral” art as illegal because it’s obvious where that sort of thing can lead and it’s not pretty. (I do not necessarily agree with everything people make. I just think censorship is ultimately worse like...as far as real world ramifications go.) What you do to other people determines what kind of person you are. It’s weird this is even an unpopular opinion, but it is. You can treat others like absolute trash and still be seen as a good person so long as they “deserved it” for making The Wrong Kind Of Art. Which varies depending on which fandom you’re in anyway. And I really can’t get behind hurting people for reasons that are often so arbitrary to me.

I think the issue is just. The internet exists and kids are on it and there’s no place for them. And I really don’t know what the solution for that is. Because fandom aside, the internet is the internet. There are random porn ads on any given site, tiktok can lead you down an alt right rabbit hole in a matter of hours, twitter is....twitter lol. It’s a hostile environment for anyone these days tbh. I don’t think kids should be exposed to any of that. I think childhood is shrinking in our culture. Kids don’t have a tween phase anymore. It’s like you’re a kid and then you’re expected to look and act like a mini adult. It’s sad to me. I think that’s why a lot of people want to recapture some type of innocence and childhood. You were pushed out of it way too fast. There’s some state I think that was proposing children be banned from the internet until they’re 18. While that would be cool for me, I think that’s dangerous in a different way given how a lot of extreme alt right parents are starting to homeschool their kids. I think it’s more about putting a stopper on information than about protecting kids. And I think this would have a devastating effect on queer kids in particular. So idk. There has to be something in between we can do.

More than anything I wish we could all work together to try to fix this because I don’t think people WANT to see kids get hurt. We’re all on the same side at the end of the day. But I think the environment is too hostile to actually achieve anything useful atm. 🤷‍♀️I think that sucks. I’d love for fandom to be a fun and close-knit community again. It’s something that always meant a lot to me growing up and I think it’s sad people can no longer have what I had. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

[willowser]

willow!! i so love the way you characterise our faves 🥺💗 it’s spot on every time!!! as someone who writes as well, i honestly find it so intimidating to tackle complex characters (for me: bakugo, gojo, ++) & am amazed every time i read your works bc hOW ?????? you write them so well 🥹 forgive me for this q&a but!! are there any characters that you find are a bit intimidating because of their complexity? who? and how do you navigate characterising them 😳

omg tysm !!! 🥺🥺🥺 i really, really appreciate this bc characterization is probably the most important thing to me, when i'm writing !!! 🥺 and so to be complimented over it feels so like I'VE BEEN WITNESSED !!!! ajfhejak you're so kind, thank you truly 🥺🥺🩷✨️

BUT OH MAN i'm so afraid to write for so many because of their depth !!! gojo is a big one !! though i've started kicking him around in my head a bit more, he still intimidates me SO MUCH bc his character and trauma and backstory, how it all manifests into his personality, how that would translate romantically — it's all SO COMPLEX AJFJDKA so 👀 he scares me quite a bit 👀 but others would be like hawks, deku, aki, yuuta, shouto is another BIG one — though i literally just posted something for him LOL — toji, too !

characterization is honestly just so fun for me, like i love anything that's going to test how i specifically view a character, and i love trying to fit them into specific situations and seeing how i would justify their reactions ! i feel like in order for me to feel confident writing for a character, i just have to really understand them, like their goals in their stories, their friendships, how they form bonds, how they are socially compared to how their emotions are portrayed, what struggles they've overcome and how that would shape their personality, their fears and deep desires, etc. it's a lot !! so it's why i can only write a handful of characters at a time ajfheja bc then there's just so much space in my brain being taken by all the little hc's i have LOL

i think reading A LOT for them helps, as well !! and that's usually the first thing i do, because it's like research ! and i read from many different writers so that i'm not getting the same characteristics over and over again, and then once i kind of understand some of the more common themes they're written with, i start making connections between their personality and personal beliefs, fears, wants, etc. their past !

another thing that i actually think helps is like — writing so many au's LOL bc one thing about me, i'm gonna write an au akfhskak but i feel like if you take a character out of their world and stuff them into another, you still have to keep their core personality consistent or else you're just writing for some original character with a known and loved face slapped over it. but things can still be a little bit different, ofc, because THAT au character is going to have a different backstory than the original, so that will shape the personality some.

like for example, werewolf bakugou is a bit rougher and tougher than canon bkg, because he's LITERALLY a werewolf LOL and he's got those animalistic tendencies, plus all that he went through when that change affected his life. there's no all might or edge shot or anything like that, but !! he's got his own issues !!! .....maybe that's why i like au's so much, bc it's just another characterization test LOL

it's 2am. idk if this makes ANY SENSE or is even COHERENT. but thank you for asking i cherish you so so much !!!!

[straydogkins]

Hello! I see that there are a lot of asks about not only requests but also about other things… I want to make sure to ask first but things unrelated to request should be sent to anywhere else (such as a alt blog of somekind?) or it is ok if done here?

Ooh this is a good question I hadn't considered, thank you for asking anon.

Tbh we're fine with any questions on any of our blogs but

For straydogkins we'd rather questions and asks in general stick to light hearted kin and/or identity stuff (ie what was your life as [kin] like, ask games, talking about your own memories, ect) or genuine questions about the DNI and/or queeries if we've said anything out of line.

However we would rather not answer asks that ask why we kin specific characters here because some of them are trauma related and we don't want depressing stuff on this blog (although ngl I doubt any of us will go into too much deph about trauma topics anywhere) we would also rather not answer questions about our system (privacy reasons) here. However they can both be be asked on mahoupup.

For mahoupup you can ask more personal questions (including ones not linked to kinning). While we do have limits theyre pretty basic so it shouldn't be too much of an issue. Uh, idk how to explain it because all asks are friendly to us and we love them all dearly but if you want to get to know us more outside of editing or in general mahoupup is also probably the better blog.

Uhhh I'll let you know if there's anything else we can think of, otherwise thank you for the ask!

[ittybxttykxttytxtty]

everytime i read your updates, the first thing that always comes out of my mouth is "omg" in all emotions...happy, sad, extra sad, extra angsty sad 🥹

“Sorry.” He hums, uncurling his body from around you and lying back.

this is a crime, how dare you uncurl away 😮

The very thought of leaving his bed created a physical ache inside of you. You wanted this, you wanted him, and you wanted so much more than he was probably willing to even give.

im begging you...please talk it out. please talk everything out 😭

It had taken every ounce of control in Billy’s body, every shred, every atom of it, not to reach across and pull you back into his arms.

all im saying is take that control and shove it up the stalker's ass 😌✨ we dont need that around here 😌✨

What label would you even put on that?

generally? idiots to lovers. specifically? strangers to mates to trauma buddies to pervy!neighbors with a hint of emotion to friends to boss x employee to ex!hook up to trauma buddies again to currently roommate to whatever chelsea decides next honestly 😂 and we love that for us 💖

Billy was forever haunted by a day you would know him, really know him, and not turn away, or leave.

omg, i havent even thought of the reader finding out about the panther business stuff 😌🔫

That he didn’t like you like that, that he was just letting you stay here because he was nice. This was nothing more than pity, and held no meaning beyond friendship.

we should put i tape over the mouth of your conscience. we dont need that kind of negativity in our life 😌🔪

“I can’t remember a single thing about myself.” You whisper to him in horror.

this is me during the first days of being in college, i hated that introduce yourself stage 🥹🔫 idk who i am, please dont ask 🥹🔫

He wants to know me, you think affectionately.

THIS IS THE KIND OF THINKING WE NEED. STAY IN THIS KIND OF HEAD SET, PLEASE AND THANK YOU. 💕

"Good girl.”

everytime, everytime billy says this an angel gets its wings. fly high, lil cherub. 😌✨

You swallow.

resolve that issue fast enough and you'll be swallowing his big load instead. 😌✨

“It’s my favourite place for a nap. I think you’ll like it.”

all i can imagine is his panther napping while his tail wagging in relaxed form

We can, he’d responded, but you don’t need a suit. Wear whatever you’re comfortable with.

congratulations, you played yourself. in an instant i already knew what baby girl was going to do 😂😂😂

okay, im not gonna put every line i liked in this part because it will just be the whole part of her describing the pool and thats like a portion of this chapter. it must feel so nice and relaxing tho like imagine swimming in a dimly lit pool with rain falling and the fucking forest sound?!?!?!?!? im immature so id play in the pool like i was in the movie waterworld or recreate that scene in the latest Jurassic park movie, the one where bryce dallas howard was slowly swimming her way to safety. all in all, it feels fun having that kind of pool and now i want one. so thanks for that 🥹✨

Billy’s losing control. Fast.

lose it fasterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The panther had rejected this argument. The panther was currently trying to urge Billy into removing his clothes and joining you.

GO GO PANTHER GO!

Was this the right idea? Should he give you more space?

how much more space does she neeeeeddddd?!?! at this point she'll be even farther away than pluto 😭😭😭😭

“Well, I spent most of my time in the woods. I’d break into abandoned cabins and stay until peak season. I’d read whatever books I could find, and explore the forest to pass the time.”

....

"I’m not sure.” You whisper softly, worried about his reaction.

this is valid, take your time baby girl 😭😭 dont listen to me, im like an irrational thought you always ignore. 😭😭😭

“Don’t feel sorry for telling me how you feel. I’d rather you stop me now, than regret it, or feel bad about yourself later.”

I SEE YOU, MS. CHELSEA. I SEE YOU.

THERE'S NOTHING MORE SEXY THAN A MAN WHO RESPECTS YOUR BOUNDARIES. 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

honestly, the pool stole the spotlight, ik you already described it in the chapter before but like..in action? beautiful 💕

im kidding, the emotions, the yearning, the little tidbits about billy 🥹

Teeth

Part 18

Werepanther!Billy Russo x Female reader

Masterlist

Warnings: Conversations about stalking and being afraid, some sexual frustration.

You woke up in his arms. A deep sigh when you realise your face is buried in his chest, his scent wrapped as tightly around you as his body was.

Your leg is kicked over his hip, your nightgown rucked up but you barely care, not when his soft breaths are tickling your ear like that.

You can’t help it, your hand rubbing his back, appreciating the feel of his skin.

He lets out a soft sigh, waking slightly the more you begin to shift beside him.

“Sorry.” He hums, uncurling his body from around you and lying back. You withdraw your leg, sighing and stretching your arms upward, back arching naturally to help you wake up.

You yawn, groaning a little as you rub your eyes. 

You feel good. Really good. You’re well rested and you feel so calm, turning on your side to look at him shyly. He blinks slowly at you, fighting sleep.

“Hey.” You say on a raspy breath, closing your eyes for a moment as they sting a little in protest at being open.

“Morning.” He replies, his voice is deep and rough and sends tingles of delight over your skin. Fucking hell, his voice in the morning was divine. You wanted to hear him speak more.

“Hope I wasn’t too much trouble.” You mumble, eyes still closed.

He makes a small hum.

“No, you-” He breathes out a small sigh, “You were perfect.”

God, you wanted to record his voice and save it for later. You could feel your body slowly getting aroused, you peek an eye open to glance at him, observing his shirtless form.

Is this what waking up with him would have been like? Close, perhaps, but if you had woken up with him that morning after you’d had sex, you wouldn’t have been able to stop touching him. 

Unlike now, where you were only close enough to feel the residual heat of his skin.

Wow, this was a really confusing situation. 

You definitely shouldn’t stay, despite how badly you wanted to. He was a friend right now, and nothing more.

The very thought of leaving his bed created a physical ache inside of you. You wanted this, you wanted him, and you wanted so much more than he was probably willing to even give.

Your throat closes up, you feel tears pool in your eyes. You blink fast to get rid of them.

Sitting up, you avoid looking at him and you scoot your way to the edge of the bed.

“See you at breakfast.” You murmur lightly, walking out of his room and back to yours.

.

It had taken every ounce of control in Billy’s body, every shred, every atom of it, not to reach across and pull you back into his arms. 

He’d even held his breath at one point, your scent so thick in the air, soaked into his sheets and lingering on his very skin, another gulp of your strawberry scent would decimate his self control. 

He wasn’t sure what words could be used to define a relationship like yours. His employee that he’d slept with once before he fucked up and you ended things with him, in his bed, because you were too scared to sleep alone after he’d brought you to his home to protect you from someone following you.

What label would you even put on that?

Luck, Billy thinks, because it gave him a second chance, one he would not destroy again by coming on too fast or leaving you alone. Something sours in his stomach at the idea of him considering this situation lucky, there was still someone out there after you, not that they would ever get another chance to be near or hurt you again. He would make sure of it.

The panther inside of him had been silent, placated by a night beside you, hums of serenity in his head, which had only stopped the moment you’d gotten up and left the room. 

Billy was forever haunted by a day you would know him, really know him, and not turn away, or leave. He was tormented by thoughts of you, by the ways you could bring him to his knees if you so wanted.

He’d do anything for you.

The concept of it didn’t even frighten him.

.

Billy makes a little sound to get your attention, and you turn to him with the kettle in hand.

“The kettle has a short somewhere and doesn’t turn on unless it’s in the right position, here-” He extends his hands out to you and you curiously place the kettle, halfway filled with water, into his hands.

You watch him angle the kettle slightly before slipping into the base and clicking it on. The little light in the on switch turns red for a second before blinking off. 

You’re mildly amused as you watch him swear under his breath, flipping the switch off, before turning it back on again. This time, it stays on and begins heating the water for your tea.

You give him a little smile of thanks when he turns to face you, not even bothering to ask him why he doesn’t just get a new one, before he’s explaining it to you.

“It was a housewarming gift from my friend.”

You nod in understanding.

“It’s probably not that hard to fix. I can take a look at it while I’m here… If you’d like.” You offer, already thinking about the tools you’d need to strip the wires.

He nods, tilting his head a little, looking at you with a depth in his gaze that makes your stomach feel like it’s twisting.

“Thank you.” Billy says, taking a step forward.

He takes another step and you swallow, hands curling into fists.

Was he going to kiss you?

You have to tilt your head higher the closer he got.

You jerk in surprise when the kettle clicks off behind you and he’s reaching for it.

Right…

You press your teeth together as a flood of negative emotions flood your mind. That he didn’t like you like that, that he was just letting you stay here because he was nice. This was nothing more than pity, and held no meaning beyond friendship.

It almost chokes you, the pain in your chest is searingly sharp.

You blink, pretending everything is alright, turning to watch him pour steaming water into two mugs.

“Sugar?” He asks, after placing a tea bag into each cup and letting it sit for a while.

You tell him how much, and you watch him prepare your tea how you like it, looking up at him, desperate to see more of this side of him, yearning to touch him.

You find yourself looking out of his windows, looking at your own apartment in the distance.

You can’t see much since the curtains are drawn, but you imagine what he could have seen when they were open.

It makes you a little uncomfortable now, that you know he wasn’t the only person watching you. That there was someone else peering into your life, enjoying your suffering. Why else would they have photographed the robbery instead of helping you? 

“Can I ask you something?” You ask softly, deep in thought, still staring at your shut curtains.

“Anything.” He replies.

“You’ve seen the photos. What do you think he- the stalker I mean- what do you think they think of me?”

He looks up at you for a moment, and doesn’t say anything until you glance at him curiously.

“I’m not equipped enough to give an analysis-”

You smile.

“Fair enough. But I just want to know what you think.”

He inclines his head, sliding your mug of tea over to you.

“Dinah said yesterday, that they might want you to feel scared, maybe they enjoy that.”

“Yeah but, don’t I look scared enough?” You say with a laugh.

“Maybe not.” He answers softly.

You smile sadly, shaking your head.

“So this person thinks I’m weak? Or… vulnerable?”

“If that’s what they think then they’re wrong.”

“Are they?” You mumble beneath your breath, looking down into your tea.

He tilts his head down, to find his way into your line of sight. You smile when you notice the odd way he bends to get your attention.

“Yes. And it doesn’t matter what this person thinks of you.” He follows easily.

“They’ve been watching me for a while, seeing way more intimate moments than I probably even know. What if this person knows me better than anyone?” 

Your heart squeezes in your chest, paranoia filling you, the idea that you really were just weak and scared becoming your most defining attributes.

“Then tell me something.” Billy says decisively.

You look up at him warily.

“What?”

“Tell me something you’ve never told anyone.” 

The corner of your mouth twitches up in amusement. You try your hardest to come up with something and fail. 

“I can’t remember a single thing about myself.” You whisper to him in horror.

He smiles, and then you watch his nose scrunch as he breaks into a grin. Adorable and boyish, you feel your stomach squeeze in delight.

“Okay okay,” You say, trying to come up with something that you’re sure you’ve never told anyone, “Oh here’s one- watching videos of people painting calms me down sometimes- Oh no, my therapist knows that. Shit.”

You think again for a long moment.

“My favourite painter is Vincent Van Gogh?” You offer instead.

Billy inclines his head in acceptance.

“Why?”

You blink.

“I like the way he doesn’t blend his brushstrokes, that you can see each one and see the separation of the colour, and still have a really amazing painting.”

He smiles at you, his eyes hold a depth that you adore.

“Tell me something else.” He says.

He wants to know me, you think affectionately.

“I think scars are beautiful,” You murmur, “They show where you’ve been and what you’ve lived through, and in a way, they’re no different than brushstrokes.”

“I have a lot of scars.”

“I know.”

I’ve seen you naked, you want to remind him.

The moment feels charged, soft electricity humming in the air, a call between your bodies.

“Well now I know things about you that no one else knows, and when I say that you’re smart and very brave, you have to believe me right?”

“Don’t guess,” He says, hand cupping your face, “believe me.”

“I guess.”

“I believe you.” You echo.

The corner of his mouth lifts into a smile.

“Good girl.”

You swallow.

Suddenly he blinks, tilting his head as if he’s just thought of something and smiles.

“I just remembered, I didn’t show you the whole house yet.”

He doesn’t say anything further, simply taking your hand in his, turning around to lead you in the direction of his bedroom.

Your heart pounds in your chest, ambling behind him with your mug of steaming tea still in hand, you try your best not to spill as you walk.

“It’s my favourite place for a nap. I think you’ll like it.” He says, and you study the back of his head, desperate to memorize everything about him.

When you’re back in the green walls of his bedroom, he releases your hand and approaches a wooden door you had assumed was a closet.

He tugs the door open, and you look at him curiously as he stands beside the door. He inclines his head for you to go in.

It’s a little dark, but you can see the little room immediately leads into a stairway, and your heart beats a little fast as you step in.

The space is enclosed, and the next thing you know Billy is right behind you, his voice in your ear.

“Don’t be scared,” he soothes, “Go up.”

“I’m not scared.” You grumble, gripping the handrail to step carefully to the top where you can see another door at the top of the stairs.

At the top, you don’t hesitate to turn the doorknob, pushing the door open swiftly.

The light hits you all at once and you squint, frowning in discomfort as your eyes try to adjust.

When your vision finally clears, your mouth drops open.

It’s a sunroom.

Sitting in the centre of his rooftop, is a room in the shape of a glass hexagon, large, soft, dark blue couches along each edge, filled with an array of potted plants and throw pillows. 

In the middle of the room, is a large stone table, with short legs.

The sun streams through the glass, lighting up the room effortlessly, an immaculate display of design.

“Billy.” Is all you can find the words to say.

He chuckles behind you, moving to sit on the couch.

“It came with the house. It was the main reason I bought it. Fixed it up in my first summer here and I’m glad I did.”

You nod in agreement, still looking around in wonder.

After a moment, you sit as well, the couch embracing your body easily.

You smile, tuck your legs under you and bring your cup of tea up to your lips for a sip.

It’s lovely, it’s cozy, you watch the sun shine into his hair.

He looks at you, and you feel like cold butter melting on warm toast.

Your grip on your cup tightens.

.

He’s dangerous.

He’s the most dangerous person in the world.

He’s dangerous because he cares, because he’s kind to you, because he’s patient and calm and is too willing to accommodate your needs.

He’s dangerous because he’s so far away, because he won’t kiss you and he won’t touch you and you have to stand here and pretend like you haven’t seen him naked and you don’t know what his mouth tastes like and pretending is going to kill you much faster than any stalker is.

You stand outside of his home gym, listening to him grunt as he took swings at a punching bag. You’d stepped in a few moments before to ask about swimming in his pool.

He’d been shirtless, covered in a sheen of his own sweat, a single strand of his hair sticking to his forehead.

Hey, I don’t have a swimsuit but I really wanna go in your pool. Can we take a quick trip back to my place?

We can, he’d responded, but you don’t need a suit. Wear whatever you’re comfortable with.

Any then you’d nodded, and left like an idiot because you couldn’t very well form new thoughts with him looking like that, right?

Fuck you, Billy Russo, you think, titling your head back to take a breath, fuck you and your hot fucking body and your stupidly handsome face.

You close your eyes, remembering the way he looked, lean and muscular, his hair moving with each powerful swing of his arm.

You gasp, arousal sticky between the lips of your cunt, soaking into the fabric of your underwear.

He’d said to wear what you felt was comfortable, and a devious thought fills your head. That maybe you’d be comfortable wearing nothing at all.

It feels easy enough to do. Step into his lovely pool room, take a deep breath in, and out, pulling your shirt off, and dropping your shorts unceremoniously onto the floor. You reach for it, folding it neatly and placing it onto the wooden bench on the far wall of the room.

There's a small shelf on the wall nearby with white rolled towels, maybe about five or six, and you consider them carefully as you approach the pool.

Your plan is foolproof, turn on the overhead rain feature, tug your underwear off and get into the pool as fast as possible. 

There's a panel on the wall near the entrance of the room, but there's also another waterproof control panel on the floor beside the pool for ease of access.

You smile absentmindedly, admiring the foresight that went into the pool design, wondering how much of a hand the man constantly on your mind had in the planning of it all.

You second guess yourself at the water’s edge. Were you really going to do this? 

Yes, you decide, sitting beside the pool so you could adjust the settings easily. 

The first thing you do is dim the lights, bringing it down to a much lower setting, and then turn on the small lights above your head that looked like stars. 

When it was satisfactory, you eagerly tap the tiny rain symbol on the panel, and select the lowest intensity.

To your amazement, it starts of like soft drizzle, and you pause to take in the ambience of it.

Some parts of the pool’s edge are lined with plants and large rock shapes to give the place a very natural effect. It’s got a kidney shape, or maybe something more irregular, that helps play into the nature theme you assume Billy was going for. 

After a moment, you increase the rain intensity, feeling it soak into your hair and over your shoulders. The droplets hit the leaves of the surrounding plants, creating a symphony of relaxing sounds.

It excites you now, to swim naked here, you tug your undergarments off so much more easily in the low light, curious to feel what it’s like to swim in a marvel like this.

You place your wet underthings near the pool’s edge, but far enough to keep it out of the rain, and you slip into the pool with a deep breath.

The water is warm, not too warm, but enough that you don’t shiver when you climb in. The rain falls around you, droplets disturbing the water, leaving transient ripples only there to be replaced by more raindrops.

It’s magical, the way this space makes you feel. You take a breath and dip your head below the surface of the water, feeling your hair float around you.

You come back up for air, taking your time to move around the pool. You’ve never swam naked before, but in the low light, it’s not as scary as you thought it would be.

You paddle around for a little, and after a while, you find your way back to the nearby control panel to explore other features.

You discover there’s an option to light up the interior of the pool, and another feature that plays ambient forest sounds. You find that you don’t like that as much, because it reminds you of past experiences you’d rather forget.

You find a comfortable spot on the edge of the pool, folding your hands under your head to rest your cheek comfortably, half floating in the gentle artificial rain.

You’re incredibly relaxed when you feel the rain intensity soften on your back. Peeking an eye open, you raise your head with a smile when you catch sight of Billy at the door.

“Sorry, didn’t want to disturb you.” He murmurs, approaching calmly. He’s still dressed the way he was before, shirtless, with a pair of dark grey sweatpants on his lower half.

“That’s alright.” You gulp, eyes trailing down his form shamelessly, too caught up in the way he looks to worry about him looking at you.

When he’s halfway to you, he stops suddenly. You raise an eyebrow at the small shocked expression on his face. You tilt your head curiously when you see his fists clench tightly.

“Are you naked?” He asks in a calm voice, his overall demeanour clearly displaying that he was not calm.

“Yes.” You say slowly.

You watch his jaw tighten, you swear you’ll hear his teeth crack with the amount of pressure he puts on them.

“You said to wear what’s comfortable.” You defend yourself, pushing away from the wall of the pool to float on your back peacefully, no doubt giving him a subtle glimpse of your nude body in the low light. You can’t discern the exact expression written on his face.

“You can join me if you’d like.” You offer.

You watch him debate with himself, unsure of what exactly is going on in his head, but you try to give him the space to decide, turning away from him to glide to the other end of the pool, holding your breath as the water moves all around you.

.

Billy’s losing control. Fast.

The panther has locked him into place, refusing to allow him to move away from you, after he’d decided he was going to allow you your privacy and gently turn down your offer of a swim.

Of course he wanted nothing more than to shed his clothes and join you, but he didn’t want to intrude.

The panther had rejected this argument. The panther was currently trying to urge Billy into removing his clothes and joining you.

It’s a war within himself, fighting with the deeper, darker base urges inside of him, rational thought being pulled from his mind as the beast demands he go to you.

He watches you push away from the wall, your head dipping under the surface as your ass raises into the air for a small moment. Graceful in your movement. 

Even with his ability to see in the low light, the small ripples of the water caused by the small raindrops obscure his view of your body.

Naked, he reminds himself.

The beast inserts imagery of your naked bodies against each other in the water, his arms caging you in while he sinks his cock into you.

He exhales, reaching down to push his pants down the length of his legs.

When he has his boxers off, and he’s just as naked as you are, he hesitates again.

Was this the right idea? Should he give you more space?

He turns away from the pool’s edge.

The panther, having enough of his internal battle, takes sudden control of his legs, one small push, and he tumbles into the water against better thought.

.

You take a breath when you reach the other end, only distracted by the sound of something large crashing into the water behind you. 

You turn suddenly in surprise, watching as Billy breaks the surface of the water, shaking his head and pushing his now wet hair back to pin you with his dark gaze.

You glance down shyly, unable to see anything more than dark shapes in the water, nothing that can tell you the state of his undress.

“So, h- how did you come up with the design for this place?” You ask, lowering your body into the water until only your head is above the surface, the water licking at your neck and chin, soft droplets just barely pattering onto your head.

He stays a small distance away, a wet strand of hair falling in front of his face as he begins speaking. You try not to get distracted by the way he looks.

“Remember when I told you I ran away from that group home when I was fifteen?”

You incline your head in affirmation.

“Well, I spent most of my time in the woods. I’d break into abandoned cabins and stay until peak season. I’d read whatever books I could find, and explore the forest to pass the time.”

You blink, your throat closing up at the lonely existence he was painting for you.

“I thought I hated it. When I came back to civilization, I didn’t think I would want reminders of it, but after all of that, I realised, that was the very first place I heard myself think.”

He looks up, and you keep your eyes on him.

“In the dark, under the trees, looking up at the stars.”

He looks back at you, and you can see the faint shine of the lights in his eyes.

“That was the first place I learned who I really was.”

You smile softly at him, inching closer.

“That’s amazing, Billy.” You hum.

He moves closer too, unable to be too far from you, or so you hope quietly.

“I know you’re afraid of the forest, of the reminder.”

You swallow, nodding, looking down at the ripples he creates as he moves.

“It makes me feel like I have no control, anything could happen and I have no power to stop it.”

It’s easier with you around, you want to say to him.

Like he did before, he inserts himself into your line of sight, pulling a smile onto your face at his antics.

“You have to know by now that you’re not powerless.”

You open your mouth to protest.

He cups your cheeks, bringing you close to his body, until you swear he’s touching you all over.

“Don’t argue.” He says in a stern tone that makes you gulp, looking up at him demurely, feeling yourself get comfortably small under his gaze.

“You’re resilient, you’ve been through so much and you’re still so strong.”

“But this is breaking me.” You confess, voice cracking as tears rise to the surface, having never admitted it out loud, not even to your therapist.

He looks pained for a moment, eyebrows drawing together, a tilt of his head before he’s dipping to take you into his arms.

A few tears fall, your breathing shallow as you cry for a moment, emotions overwhelming you, stealing your ability to breathe.

His large palm moves over your bare back, soothing you, his cheek is cool where it presses against yours.

You sniffle after a moment, getting control of your emotions, clinging to him in the water, unwilling to let him go.

He says your name softly, reverently, capturing your attention.

“You’re not broken yet, sweetheart, and I promise I’ll keep you safe. No one is going to touch a hair on your head, and no one is ever going to get the chance to hurt you.”

“That’s not your job, Billy. You don’t have to.” You protest.

His hands rise to cup your face, drawing back a little so that he can look at you, nose to nose.

“I want to. I want you to feel safe, and protected and relaxed because you deserve to be.”

You make a small sound, and before you can stop yourself, you rise onto your toes to kiss him.

His reaction is instantaneous, gripping the back of your head to press his mouth firmly to yours, a low groan in his throat, something dark and desperate.

You reach for him, wrapping your arms around his bare shoulders, pulling him close until your bodies are pressed to each other.

His hands grip your thighs, encouraging you to wrap your legs around his hips, the water sloshing as you move so eagerly.

You gasp against his mouth as you feel the largeness of his erection press against your thigh.

He grips your jaw tightly, placing punishing kisses onto your mouth, no doubt bruising your lips with the fervour.

His desire is matched with your own, your fingers scraping against his skin, wandering over the scars on his shoulder, smoothing over his wet hair.

“Are you sure?” He pants against your mouth, groaning when he feels your lips kiss the spot right below his ear.

He says your name on a groan, tilting his head back when your teeth scrape the base of his neck.

“Sweetheart,” He tries again, “You need to tell me.”

You pause suddenly, gasping as you come back to your senses. In truth, you weren’t sure about this, past experience telling you that doing this with him was probably a bad idea.

You give him a shy look, his breathing harsh as he looks into your eyes.

“I’m not sure.” You whisper softly, worried about his reaction.

Like he can sense your worry, he nods, withdrawing from your grip.

“That’s alright. It’s okay to be unsure.” He says, turning away for a moment, cupping a handful of water to pour onto his head.

Yet guilt fills you, past experience trying to pressure you into thinking that you’ve done something wrong.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper.

He turns back, concern in his gaze as he drops himself to eye level with you.

“Don’t feel sorry for telling me how you feel. I’d rather you stop me now, than regret it, or feel bad about yourself later.”

You think about mentioning your fear of him leaving again, after he’s done that so many times before, but you decide against it, because it would do no good at this point to say.

“I like you, I really do,” You whisper, “but I worry I’m using you to distract myself from the way I feel. That’s not fair to you.” 

He looks down, a somber expression on his face that makes your heart crack.

“I get it. Trust me, I do, I’m here for you, anything you want.”

You reach out to take his hand, bringing it up to your face so that you can kiss the back of his knuckles.

“Maybe we can take it slow? Until I can get my brain around things?”

He gives you a little smile, nodding acceptingly at the notion.

“Slow is good.” He says, leaning forward to kiss the top of your head.

You smile happily, looking up at him, feeling something different in your chest, a fondness, an appreciation, like nothing you’ve ever felt before. You may be naked, but you’re not remotely concerned about him violating the boundaries of your consent.

You toss your arms around him, holding him close , feeling him return the embrace.

After a few moments, you lean back, smiling up at him.

“Exactly how hard can this artificial rain fall?” You ask playfully.

He takes on an amused expression at the idea.

.

.

.

[angelicalchaoticabyss]

Random Affogato Cookie and Cookie run headcanons.

Okay so today me and my friend were talking on Discord about Affogato and this is what went done. Enjoy our headcanons, thoughts, and other stuff. This legit went from talking about his parentage to the religions and possibly cookie racism but we're having fun.

Affogato has to be the hybrid child of a Coffee tribe Cookie and someone from the Vanilla kingdom. The vanilla kingdom has the ice cream thing going with the Waffle bots and aesthetic, literally Pure vanilla himself is vanilla ice cream with a chocolate drizzle. You make Affogato with Espresso and Vanilla Galetto or Ice cream. Parent from the Vanilla kingdom was probably dead so he grew up in the Coffee tribe. Idk if was just Espresso being a jerk but they seem to have a thing against those who aren't pure coffee (I.E his interactions with Latte). Could be why Affogato says the best medicine tastes sweet. Enduring the bitterness of the tribe (and probably couldn't even stand bitter tasting medicine) was hell. The ingredients really show the personality of the cookie.

Lattes are a Sit and Chill drink which is very much Latte cookie

Espresso is more refined and stronger than regular coffee which checks out for Espresso cookie.

Affogato is cold ice cream topped with hot coffee and you gotta drink/eat it before it all melts together, checks out for Affogato cookie as he is very much on the calmer side but since Espresso is specifically used he has the more refined and strong side of that coffee type while still having the sweetness of a vanilla cookie. Which all mixes together for a powerful and manipulative magic user who uses sweetness to get others good side. He wants to belong somewhere. He couldn't go to the vanilla kingdom cause the other parent wouldn't be around to care for him, the Coffee tribe probably didn't want him but was stuck with him and he resents Dark cacao. Either doesn't know Latte or like many cases in trauma and abuse was too shy and quiet to interact because his mind associated hatred and fear with everyone in the tribe.

Everywhere you go cookies just kinda...stick to their own kind. Kingdoms are given set names and only have citizens of that ingredient or similar ingredients, Dark cacao, Golden cheese, Vanilla, etc etc.

So there does seem to be a type of subconscious racism or something but over time like with many things this is naturally being mending. Like in the Magic city and Parfaidian institute cookies of all kinds and not just Parfait cookies are gathering and living in the same area without issues. The players own kingdom is the same way.

That could be where the tales of The Baker come and set religious divides. Cookies were so use to the old way that it's hard to believe some powerful mythical entity from beyond their world is commanding cookies to make a kingdom that is home for all kinds. Gingerbrave and co's kingdom could be seen as so incredibly strange to other cookies, talking to someone who can't be seen, doing tasks for them, building things in a set pattern that changes based on player preference and more cookies find themselves naturally gravitating to The Baker's area of control.

Affogato I could see probably secretly clinging to this idea of The Baker. It's...so bizarre, based on everything he's faced that's made him who he is. To hear that this powerful being loves them....just because they do. And they don't care what their flavors are or what makes them, it's just an out there concept that he keeps close in private

(Friends words)

A special secret all to himself. Is it selfish? Maybe but he can't help it

Makes him so very jovial to have such knowledge

Helps his previous devious demeanor improve since he feels welcomed

(Back to me)

In fact, his words when you tap him could quite possibly be sincere, just sinister and manipulative is a tone of voice he naturally has now since he's used it so much and has only down that. I mean he can't overthrow a god.

Like Saying that he'll prepare the finest sweets just for you and refers to you as a formidable and powerful ally. He calls your style blunt cause let's face it, it is. He wants to be spared flattery cause he actually doesn't want anything insincere said to him (hypocrite). But he does show awareness the power of the Cookie kingdom isn't coming from the cookies...it's...coming from something else

"Where the source of all power in this kingdom lies. I wonder..."

He knows you're there, powering the kingdom and making the cookies stronger. But he doesn't WHERE you are.

Who knows, maybe Fortuna is his own name for The Baker since it sounds more refined. After all you bring fortune to the kingdom you watch over. Fortuna itself could be an alternate name for The Baker that other cookie cultures have since in real mythos there are multiple names for the same deity it's just different depending on the region or other specifics.

I can TOTALLY see Affogato becoming more attached to The Baker than any other cookie, those who do seek a place to belong would, rather secretly or publicly, cling to someone who accepts and loves them. (I'm one of them) So hearing that a being loves him just because they love him and his character (bonus if he learns he's your favorite among the cookies) would make him go crazy for The Baker/Fortuna.

The coins and crystals the cookies give you when you tap the ones with speech bubbles over their heads are their offerings to the baker. I can view Affogato becoming a heavy worshipper of The Baker to the point of even being in love because he secretly craves that genuine love and wants it so badly. Takes interest in cookies who have a more perceptive ability to see and hear their god, if he follows that road, uses that power, perhaps he can meet Fortuna himself. To be together.

Idk how we ended up here but we just did, if you wanna know what other headcanons I might have about certain things just ask.

[helloamhere]

Hello! I just happened to see a reblog of This Multiplicity of Powers with your add about dealing with covid stuff, and I’m being shy bc that’s how in awe I am of your writing, but I wanted you to know that I’ve been recovering from long covid for the past 9 months and this fic was a literal turning point for me.

Idk how that even makes sense but the way you described Louis’ powers and feelings definitely intersected with the way my nervous system has been on the fritz and and the trauma of the whole experience and yeah. You deserve a more coherent message than this about it but I’m afraid if I wait and try to do that it’ll never get sent so I hope this will do!

And re being sick specifically, at this point I have a list of resources as long as my arm about what has gotten me from being bedridden for 3 mos to 2 Harry concerts - solo! On a train for an hour! - in one week, and daily long walks in the woods again, but I won’t share that unsolicited. however happy to come back/come off anon because the world NEEDS you well and making your art.

Like, I’m a professional writer irl, and have read plenty of literature, and probably tens of thousands of fics in the last 20 years and there’s maybe 5 authors in the whole of them I’d say this too—you have a gift unlike anything I’ve ever seen. The sentences you craft, the characters you create, the worlds you build?! The mythos?! Unfuckingbelievable.

Please stop believing in yourself in all of the levels you need to. Sending all the healing you’ve given me back at you. ❤️‍🔥🙏🏼

I saved this message like....like it was waiting for something that's too hot to pick up, but here I am a few days later and it's still burning my fingertips. I can't even tell you directly how much this meant to me because it's too hot to touch, too hard to look directly at it.

Thank you. I'm in pain and I'm scared and you have helped me so much with this one message. Thank you. I am so profoundly glad that TMOP spoke to you in a way that you could take up and do your own work with -- I fully believe that people read things and bring their own problem-solving genius to things and that when we write things we're mostly just trying to create a stage for someone to have their own process -- it's also just so SHOCKING to me, such a surprise to feel like everything I put in that story about bodies and healing and loving our fragile selves was helpful to real healing.

I would love to hear any of your resources about long covid. No obligation and do not fear or feel pressure, as I have a lot of support around me and a lot of access to information, but I am in the early days of struggling right now and truly having a hard time understanding what is happening and would welcome even just the comfort of other people's journeys (my current long covid experience seems focused on some kind of lung issue, like severe pain & tightness that just seemed to happen overnight even though I have no shortness of breath and all my cardiac health seems good). Feel free to send on anon or off, in any way you like. "long walks in the woods" is all I dream of right now. I am so happy for your progress and so full of warm wishes that it continue.

I've read this message over and over again. You are the reason I opened my novel manuscript file for the first time in a month, this weekend. I feel that healing you are sending back at me. Thank you for giving me this unconditional love and support. In the depths of all the bullshit right now your message feels like a literal gift from the universe.

[friedloverballoon]

hi I followed you recently, saw your post about how LGBT terminology shouldn't be losing it's meaning.

I don't have any big beefy intellectual arguments about this, just personal experience and observation.

As someone whose lived experiences have been very much shaped by certain aspects of who I am, having precise language to describe those experiences is important to me. I see this language appropriation happening in more spaces than just LGBT (mental health is the first that comes to mind).

The word "trans" is a great example... I am starting to feel almost a sort of disconnect with the term trans/transgender - which frustrates me, but it's happening anyway. Because like... you go into "trans spaces" and most people in them now are not living a transsexual experience. People have told me I'm a terrible person for saying that hormone therapy is not something to "play with" in response to someone spreading the idea that you can "microdose" T to get specific changes and not others... like I'm sorry, no, your sexual characteristics are not fun, customizable traits in a video game character creation. Health issues related to hormones are very, very common whether you are trans or not. I have chronic health issues and I have had to take transition very seriously and carefully. Like... no, I don't want there to be an "us" vs "them" mentality but it's almost like they did it for us. They started ostracizing trans people in trans spaces. Those who didn't conform got labeled transmeds and whatever else. Clearly they don't see themselves as trans as in transsexual (and made that a dirty word) but take over our spaces, spread misinformation about medical treatment we need...

sorry that's all kind of rambling.

Re: the word gay... I mean yeah I've seen people literally say "no gay is an umbrella term! everyone who is queer is gay! anyone can use it!" I mean... idk how do you think that make gay men feel you guys? to take the ONE word they have to describe THEIR experience and dilute it?

I have seen older lesbians (like, in their 60s) who are uncomfortable with the word lesbian, so prefer to call themselves gay... I don't know if there is maybe a historical reason/trauma attached to that.

then, you know, the "queer community" was like "well now queer is the umbrella term!" but it's also a bunch of different identities...

it took be a long time to be okay with calling myself bisexual because of these, what I consider, regressive behaviors in the "community" that I was sort of... idk. I feel like I was indoctrinated as a young person. I never wanted to call myself queer. I was called that when someone tried to kill me in a hate crime. I don't need to reclaim it. It doesn't describe anything about me. I'm not queer. I'm bisexual. I'm transsexual. That's it.

Now this is the type of discussion I love. I don't know if I'm supposed to post this or not, I usually just post the stuff I receive, so here it is anywaysss

I also see the appropriation you're talking about, mental health mixed in there too. It's very entitled, especially considering the positions they take as "inclusionary".

I don't want to add that much to your thing, since there's nothing more than really needs to be said, (and I don't want to take away the attention from you), although I did have a related confusion because of this type of stuff. I'm sure I've said it on here before, but when I was still questioning, I hopped from sexuality to sexuality, settling on "omnisexuality" for the longest time (I got really swept up in the different types of sexualities and all that, which is why looking it up online is probably even worse now), until the mere fact that omnisexuality didn't have an article on Wikipedia led me down the path to just letting myself be bisexual.

I honestly don't know how younger LGBT people can just erase the history and labels of their own community and then wonder why so many people who have been there longer than they have are basically just "opting out" of the community in its entirety. It feels poisoned by identity politics too, this whole "make 'gay' the new 'queer'" type of thing. Either way, I'll leave it there, I'm grateful for the follow, and it's kind of like a mystery. Like who could the anonymous follower of mine be 👀

[indigochromatic]

@korya-elana Ask and ye shall receive /lh I think the biggest part of our experience, broadly speaking, that has a lot in common with many non-disordered plurality experiences is that...lemme put it this way: I "look" a lot like an unintentional parogen and/or soulbond, and this was especially true when I first showed up.

Fictional character who acted like a helper figure in a time of stress

Immediate strong mental visualization/voice/imposition/the works from day 1

Feels like a separate person from L who just "walked in one day and never left"

Spent the first 6-8 months talking internally for hours every day, as well as going through daydream and exomemory narratives that basically felt like...sub/semi-consciously "downloading" an life history self-narrative for myself (in other words, even if I hadn't existed before, that'd probably have been more than enough to create me all on it's own)

There's still just two of us, after 4+ years (even with my subsystem shit)

There's some "mild echos" of things in L's past that I relate to/feel related to me, but definitely not the sense that I existed, in a meaningful way self-wise, prior to that one very specific day that I strolled into her mind out of stage left and started talking. It's more like "those experiences probably provided some of the building blocks for me" than "that was me and we hadn't Syscovered yet"

I relate metaphysically/personal-idiosyncratic-spirituality-or-whatever to a lot to some types of archetrope and/or godshard labels, in that it feels like I'm...I dunno, an instantiation of some larger multi-dimensional concept or theme or something? Like if we were living in, idk, Ancient Greece, and folks were like "I think L's being possessed by a version of Ares", that wouldn't feel wrong to me.

Probably some more stuff I'm forgetting?

On the other hand, one of the big reasons why we don't just call me a soulbond and leave it at that is that I'm also traumatized as fuck, lmao, with all the symptom-management and processing work that implies. It's true that I "feel like I showed up in order to help, because L was in a tight spot and she felt like One of Mine/kindred spirit in some deep way", and also, simultaneously, it's true that I need a lot of help myself, too. L has mental health issues and trauma stuff of her own, and in a lot of ways it feels like we're...complementary, kinda? Like, we have complementary traumas in ways that let us sort of lean on each other as we both try to move forward and heal. (And yeah, it takes a lot of work to make sure we stay on the constructive side of that cycle, as opposed to the "seeking out friends/partners/etc that let you reenact your trauma patterns in self-destructive ways" side of it). Also, we also have a lot of dissociation problems in our daily life, and my subsystem shit definitely feels "dissociated parts of self"-y, including mild memory issues sometimes. (see: L's joke about "I don't have DID, but my headmate does!").

Anyways, thanks for asking! super curious to know if there's anything you're surprised by or have more questions about. -S Edit: P.S., we'd also be super curious to hear if there's any particular aspects of non-disordered plurality experiences that you all relate to as well, if you want to share!

Bringing Back an Old Invitation for Conversation

This was something we posted wayyyy long ago (okay, well, 2021, which feels like forever), back on the birdsite when that was our main form of social media:

{L+S} Hey! In the spirit of reaching out and, I guess, opening up echo chambers? We're just yet another random people on the system twitterverse, so who knows where this will go, but tl:dr, we'd like to talk to anyone who would like to talk to us, even if it looks like we'll disagree on things. We're a non-DID/OSDD (that we know of) system(?)/pair of folks in the same brain. Endogenic? Neurogenic? Accidentally parogenic? No idea. Non-DID/OSDD systems/etc are not a monolith--we can only speak for ourselves, not any larger community. We fully respect the right of anyone to not interact with us if they don't want to, & we will always try to converse with respect and collaborative intent.

3-4 years later...yeah, most of this is still true, actually! Technically, and largely for insurance purposes, we've had a CDD dx on paper with a prior therapist, though we still don't fit the stereotypical presentation or etiology of a textbook CDD system in a lot of ways. We've continued to not really bother with origin labels (#It'sComplicated, lol), though we're happy to talk about the best ways we've found so far for understanding our experience. There are a lot of aspects about our plurality that we see reflected in non-disordered systems, and also several things we recognize in disordered experiences, too. We certainly Have Mental Health Problems, and they interface with our plurality in a lot of ways, but we don't experience being a system as aversive or disordered.

Happy to compare notes about experiences or share our perspectives if anyone wants to send us an ask or a reply, and we will assume good faith/good intent even if it seems like we're starting from very different points of view. - L + S

[edrecovery-space]

So, two things…

number one isn’t ED related, but I’m worried the anxiety of it could potentially make me relapse? But so far I’ve been doing good… I have a yummy sandwhich for lunch and I’ve been doing really good about eating healthy this past week or so

for thing two : tw weight loss and sort of vent??

I’ve been waiting for a DID diagnosis for a while now… and the other day my psych reached out to my father and therapist. She said I don’t have DID, but that I have major depressive disorder and PTSD… and that I may have or am severely at risk for having BPD… my therapist disagrees and still thinks I have DID. The main reason I think my psych said I don’t have it is because she asked about alters and I panicked and mentioned this one alter who is a trauma holder and basically her whole role is to hold guilt and trauma… which made the psych think I have BPD and/or just have “personalities” as a “coping mechanism”… because the alter only holds a specific emotion so she took that as my alters are just me but different emotions and aspects of myself, just not in a DID way. Weirdly the way she explained it all sounded almost exactly like DID though… and some sort of other disordered system… and she said that that may not be a final diagnosis and that me thinking I have DID and my symptoms are still valid and should still be taken seriously… so I’m very fucking confused about all that… she’s going to talk to me personally and talk to me more about all that stuff. BRIGHT SIDE- she lectured my dad for an hour on how he needs to use he/him pronouns and our chosen name for us

I fucking lost weight and I am pissed about it… I was finally happy with my body, but then I had a health issue/concern so I had to exercise more and lose weight… so I had to work out a lot and eat healthier but also had to eat 3 meals a day minimum… and that was a bit ago. And now that I’ve stopped exercising and working out I’ve somehow lost fucking weight… I was confused at first, but honestly it could just be that my body is no longer in starvation mode so I’m actually eating properly now… still upset about it… because my old jeans from 2+ years ago are still way too small… but my new jeans are way too big and literally falling off me… you can see the difference in my stomach size… and idk. I’m annoyed. I realize I should probably be happy but it feels like more of a loss than a win… because it reminds me that I still need to lose so much weight and makes me feel gross because I’m still heavy and overweight

im keeping up health eating habits. So yay

hoping I can continue keeping them up…

the other night I did almost start binging BUT I did not… someone in the system stopped me… so yay… I’m proud of myself about that at least

sorry for sad stuff 😅

-🐥

sounds a tad bit like your psych might not fully know about did or is mistaking what they understand for something else, the later of which tends to happen a bit.

very very proud of you for healthy eating /gen

i hope things only keep getting better for you from here on out!

[stitch1830]

Ok, so I keep seeing your posts and have had more Zutara thoughts because of them (thank you for that, btw 😊) so I was curious if you have read any fics or like the Mom Friend!Katara and Dad Friend!Zuko trope? It’s one of my personal faves.

Some common things I’ve seen with this are:

Zuko noticing Katara does a lot of the work while staying at the Western Air Temple and stepping up to help, but Katara is rightfully wary of him at that point and gets frustrated for varying reasons

Katara getting sick from constantly doing everything for so long and Zuko helping take care of her and the Gaang while she’s down for the count (usually happens after TSR so they’re slightly awkward friends at this point)

Katara and Zuko late night conversations where Katara isn’t just being Zuko’s therapist, or Zuko isn’t just being Katara’s therapist, but they’re giving each other advice and listening to each other in equal measure overall (even if some nights one is feeling more down than the other and they focus on that for just that night)

Katara and Zuko getting some solid cooking together/doing chores together/bending together content

Katara and Zuko getting teased by the Gaang bc they’ve started to call them Mum and Dad when they’re being extra Momtara and Dadko (you know what I mean lol)

Katara and Zuko working to comfort anyone else in the Gaang over relationship problems (usually Sukka stuff here with misinterpreting stuff and overthinking and all that), childhood issues (Toph and her stuff with her parents), not feeling good enough (Aang, the sweet boi son who is so nervous abt all the pressure on his shoulders), or just war trauma stuff (nightmares and cuddles from Momtara and Dadko - is best with Toph imo)

Toph accidentally calling them Mum or Dad while super tired is the wholesome stuff thing

Idk if you’ve got other stuff that you’ve seen or headcannons you’ve got abt this trope, lmk bc I feel like I don’t seen enough of it lol

Hello! Thank you so much for the ask, and I'm glad you are enjoying the HC's. We all deserve to have Zutara live in our minds rent free haha!

I actually don't think I've read a specific fic with that particular trope, sadly. I'm kind of new when it comes to reading Zutara fics and haven't spent too much time exploring ao3 (There's so much I was shook the first time I glanced at it!). I've seen a few fan art comics with this referenced, that's all though. But, I am totally on board with this headcanon and honestly think it's super accurate. It probably should be explored more!

Both Katara and Zuko seem pretty selfless when it comes to their friends and family, so it would make sense to me that they take care of the others first, either individually or together. And then in turn, noticing when the other is struggling and offering support. It's probably an interesting story to see how they navigate the rough waters, because Katara is probably somewhat skeptical of Zuko still, and Zuko just isn't sure how to handle the situation. They're also two of the most mature members of the Gaang, so it makes sense that they take it upon themselves to take care of the group. (Also the cuddle sessions? Talk about uwu).

If I were to add to this list, I think they would often scold the group if they were only using a single braincell between them all.

Zuko probably stays up the latest in the group to watch for any trouble. Sometimes he notices Katara or another member of the Gaang shivering, so he'll give them his blanket.

I can see them when they're alone complaining to each other about the group's shenanigans and finding comfort in being able to relate to each other.

Katara would scold the group for giving Appa too many treats. But then Zuko sneaks one more apple to the sky bison :)

This might not fit the HC, but maybe if Zuko needs to tell Katara something and he's afraid of her reaction (maybe it's bad news and they're all already stressed), he'll practice his speech on a badgerfrog.

Katara and Zuko definitely spar a ton together and they learn each others moves and tendencies well. That's why they're so in sync during their practice battle.

Those are my immediate thoughts on HC's! Also, if you have a fav fic with this trope, feel free to send it my way! Love reading some good stories haha. Thanks again for the ask, and hope you have a nice day! :)

[elytrafemme]

HELLO

i’m writing this so late but hi i’m responding to your response on our previous ask. yippie! i am enthralled to be talking system things because i like don’t talk much with anyone who i know of who is a system. other than you! wowzerz.

(i am forever and always in the mood to talk system things just because i literally cannot through my entire day where i’m larping as a fully functional and well rounded member of society)

oh yea hi this is puzzle and also worthy (who cocons all the freaking time like oml. anyway he is technically doing most of the writing but i (puzzle) am working to come up with the response. ect ect. idk there might be a note about a specific alters experience but tbh i’m trying not to take too long)

for starters i think i get what your saying about the foreground and background. all though its probably different in theory for us. like uh. there’s the foreground where there are those who are active. that’s where there’s trains of thought and emotions and generally the presence of whoever. plus the like big conscious voice and occasionally a second or third one. not often thou, most of the time cocon means there’s like just emotions/concepts being handed over to whoever is mostly* in front along with their own like subconscious train of thought.

*like whoever has more control of the body i guess

but like anyone who isn’t in this foreground area is off somewhere else. i just call it “warm brain” because yea it’s warm. i guess

plus there’s also like 3 different ways i look at my headspace and it’s changes overtime. honestly at the moment i feel like it’s a rough kinda lounge or something. but there was a consistent view of my brain beating like a stage and having a long fancy dinner table before i even thought of being plural so idk!

to touch briefly on information, i think your posts actually helped me a lot! okay slight embarrassing confession but your system posting actually made me get like anxious. like not really anxious but it perplexed me more than anything. it actually prompted me to do more system research to try and get by brain less anxious on the topic. then eventually i found somewhere that having unexplained anxiety when thinking about systems could be a system thing. idk probably not but by then i had kinda fully realized i was plural and gotten over that anxiety. 

but your posts on your experiences helped kickstart like my final sort of questioning period i had. and it made the concept of systems more like fermented in my brain or sox it’s interesting i guess

and as far as amnesia goes we’re still figuring that out because there’s some massive memory issues going on. and tbh everyone i know is just like “yea okay whatever your just bad with remembering things” but the specifics of my issues kinda aligned with system stuff. like vague blurry memories with no emotions attached. like not just trauma related memories just normal memories that are like that

and yea that’s pretty interesting i think

okay and touching on the fashion related thing, there’s a gal in my brain (Jupiter aka juniper) who has an upmost respect/admiration of dahlia (from your system specifically) and idk where it came from. tbh she doesn’t come round often and none of us know anything about ace attorney. but it will see a mention of dahlia and be like “oh me gee” whenever it’s around. oh yea and this is related to fashion somehow idk my brain made this connection and now it’s written <3

i also wish you luck with keeping track of things ect ect! it’s such a difficult thing, especially for me on busy days everyone can get blurry fast and sometimes there’s a moment where like someone is trying to make a full switch in the middle of class and it’s like a battle in the brain for staying in the moment. thank goodness most classes i can come back to my form after and cat nap for half an hour after and hope whoever wants to show up uses that time.

and okay last note because oh boy have i just talked!!!! realizing i’m like a system has been so weird. but like part of my life feels like it’s been slotted together. and being recognized as plural and being treated as our own individuals has been very gratifying. there’s also stressors but we will figure out how to explain things to the therapist/irls eventually. 

and also lots of LOVE!!!! for you my friend. i am joyful as all hell to talk about this stuff even though i kinda just talked about me and such. okay i’ll end with a question :]

do different alters/headmates effect you appearance in any ways? oh and uhh have you ever dreamed something vaguely related to your plurality or an alter.

personally i had a crisis after dreaming i was a trans man (and feeling some euphoria from it) after being agender for ages and then later realized that there was a trans man in my system

so have a good day!!!! thank you for like indulging me in system talk i am !!!! jumping up and down ya know

-@evilpuzzlingpapercrown

HI BELOVED!

no same it's so hard not telling my IRLs bc even though they hardly know specifics to things, at least a few of them know some of the more broader mental health stuff i have (like a few know i hallucinate, just nothing about what those are). but none of them rly knowing about this is kind of like. so many things i say make way more sense if you know JEKFHSHJKDFS

no idea who is fronting atm but a belated HI WORTHY & PUZZLE!

OHHHH I SEE! that's fascinating :O yeah I feel like my inner world will get more sorted out once i know who all else is here, because when it's basically just four people (including me) that are distinct in the headspace, and all but one of them frequently front, it's kind of hard to tell where they go. and like if they aren't fronting or in the co con soup (or at least close to it if need be) then idk where the fuck they go. but that's so fucking interesting ty for sharing that :O ...

honestly i feel like it's the mcytblr tradition to have one blogger post about systemhood and their mutuals go "hang on a sec..." and then it fractals from there. because like from you to me to my friends etc etc etc you can see the pipeline of people learning they're systems from one another its so interesting to me

oh huh that is super interesting. honestly so much of our memory difficulties are because i am so tired all the time that i get like, mental fog, and then very few totally repressed memories, but like. God systems are so funky with that

question for you if you see this but do you also like... ever feel the process of a memory actively getting repressed? there have been a few times where i being a tenacious bastard trying to recover a trauma memory and i actively feel someone take away parts of it until i can't remember anything about it. it's kind of terrifying but also just a safety precaution i know. do u all also do this?

it's honestly kind of a relief to talk with people that don't know a ton about ace attorney b/c, while we love it and all of our friends that also love ace attorney are like very cool about things, Dahlia's source character is a pretty polarizing one. so I think she's glad that some people don't really know the Dahlia from ace attorney, and just know ours!

also omg if Jupiter ever wants to chat with Dahlia she is totally free to send a message or something! Dahlia does love fashion it's one of the things that brings her out to front so maybe that's where the associaton comes from? but that's really sweet :] for what it's worth, from what I can tell, Dahlia likes your whole system quite a lot from the interactions we've had! she finds you guys rather safe, so you get the Dahlia Hawthorne seal of approval (a big deal)

GOD YEAH IT'S SO FUCKING HARD... the cat nap strategy is actually so based i'm glad that that seems to sort of work for you guys!!! it's so fucking difficult fr. we are handshaking our way through that misery

i totally get that. i think the stressors are like; i mean there's a lot of responsibility to it, y'know? not only just telling people but like, just adapting to sharing a body with so many other people. it's stressful! but i'm glad u can feel that satisfaction from realizing you're a system, too, because it's honestly just. so nice :]

SO MUCH LOVE FOR U FOREVER!!!!! <333 /P

oh damn that trans man dream sounds like such a mindfuck my goodness. glad u figured that out FHDHFHHB im picturing u waking up like. Hey What The Fuck Was That

for us, we don't dream a ton about other alter things, which is a kind of boring answer but we like really don't :( our dreams are very much like me-centric, i'm usually the one fronting by the time we sleep

as for appearance, yes! that's how we figure out who's fronting if it's hard to tell! one big way we found out Dahlia was here is b/c Dahlia wrinkles her nose a lot and has this different look in her eye in general to when I (Mare) front, so that's how we knew it was different. Nightshade puts a lot of tension in her jaw and generally looks kind of older? in a way? we had another front once that hasn't done it since and they looked very differnet, like our jaw was more angular than it is. i don't know shit's confusing but tldr yeah appearance is big for us

jumps up and down beside you :]

[narcolepticelf]

Hi my names Damien (but you can call me anything from my pronouny! ) I primarly use He/They,but neos are listed there as well ^-^ . I don't really have a carrd yet but I'll make one eventually. I do art [ #zzz.img ] !

Most recent art Here [c!quackity las nevadas finale art]

I interact from my main [ @sunflowerseraph ]

!! Icon creds here. !!

If ur breaking mutuals lmk pls ^_^ !! More under the cut

Greatest hits: eret answered our ask, I've met Karl,Austin, Boomer, and Ted !

I main Foolish,Punz,Quackity,Wilbur,Sapnap,George,Karl,Tina,Techno ♡ and other non dsmp/Osmp/mcyt streamers (Sneegsnag,Boomer Slimcecicle Ted) P much chucky sammy? :) idk what else to add here but uhmm yeah! Just ask me who I like ig ^0^

We are a system! If you ever see someone sign off/tag with an emoji and you don't know who they are don't hesitate to ask! Friends can ask for our SimplyPlural. We have a Twitter (Main-NarcolepticElf , Alt-SeraphimSyss and Priv-PunzMaleWife ) we also have a marvel/dc/darkhorse/comics/etc twt under KonshusAvatars !!

I almost always try to tag my blog for easy navigation and triggers (for example: blood tw, tw blood, blood) or for specific characters (for example: c!sapnap, c!sapnap art, cc content, cc art ) hope that makes sense! Lmk if u need anything trigger tagged and I'll do my best to remember it!!

Hate proshippers with my whole heart. Please don't send heavy angst/gore regarding c!tommy !!!! Always happy to talk about characters from the dsmp!

Ok. Heavy stuff ig ! I don't talk much on the dream situation because I have My own issues/problems/trauma things lol! Don't pressure me to talk abt it. Don't send me asks or links or "proof" or "evidence" or whatever. I don't have a positive view of CC Dream anymore. But if I see anyone trying to start shit with Cc/C Dream Introjects I will slay you with my sword. Just bc I don't interact with Cc dream content anymore doesn't mean I have dropped The rest of the dsmp/mcyt streamers! I still mildly enjoy lore, but my Hyperfixation on the Dsmp as a whole has greatly diminished (its BEEN dying, even before the whole drm situation.) I'm not really gonna comb my whole blog for like mentions of him or whatever to delete because that's 1: tedious 2: tiresome and 3: time consuming. And I am constantly tired and busy with Real Life Things. 👍 anyways idk what else to put here but !! Thank u all ^_^ !!!!!

This blog mostly runs on a queue, and it may have old content in it! I'll probably delete anything that Bothers me, but I don't check it often.

[omegawolverine]

Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

[illfoandillfie]

I’d love a platonically blurb ab them applying to foster/adopt kids 🥺

i love you for this request but also it made me very soft and emo and how dare you

It ended up being a little less about them actually applying and more just them deciding they wanted to adopt or foster and discussing their options because i can't read but perhaps i could do an actual fic later about the process involved and them meeting their kid and stuff?? idk...dad ben makes me 🥺🥺🥺

Anyway, here's the second last blurb in my Platonically event!

Words: 1,683

Warnings: Nothing much really, discussions about children including pregnancy, adoption and fostering, a little mention of sex but nothing explicit.

“I wanna be a dad.”  You weren’t surprised to hear Ben say it. You’d seen the signs. There was the way he’d befriended and doted on the adorable toddler who’d played his daughter on a TV project. Every day he’d come home and his face would light up as he talked about her – how she babbled little kid nonsense at him all day and how they’d played silly games sitting on the floor of the set while the cameras were set up around them. You’d almost expected him to bring up the possibility of having kids then but he’d surprised you and not mentioned it. You could tell he was thinking about it though which made you think about it too. It made sense to at least discuss it and see where you both stood now that you’d been in the QPR for a while and knew that it worked and that you made a good team. You asked about it one night while you were washing the dishes and Ben was drying them. “Do you ever think about kids? Like having one?” “Yeah, sometimes,” he said, bumping your shoulder gently with his, but the conversation didn’t go any further than that.

It wasn’t until about three months later that you heard him say it. It took one of his mates having a baby with his wife for Ben to bring it up. You’d gone over a couple of weeks after they left the hospital, gifts in hand (a cute little spotty onesie and soft toy elephant that he hopefully wouldn't grow out of as quickly as he would his clothes). It was a lovely afternoon, catching up with the new parents and meeting brand new baby Bertie who just stared at everyone who cooed over him. You each had a turn holding Bertie too, marvelling at how anything could have such tiny hands and such big brown eyes. Ben happened to be handed the bundle of blankets that Bertie was swaddled in as the baby began to fall asleep. He didn’t mind though. When the new father asked if he should take Bertie and put him in his crib Ben waved him off. He said he didn’t mind sitting there a little longer to make sure Bertie really had dropped off. The parents didn’t argue, a little relieved that they were able to take a break and just relax. Both of them excused themselves for a moment to get some more food and use the bathroom which left you and Ben and the sleeping Bertie alone together. Quietly you stepped towards the armchair Ben was in, sitting on the arm so you could run your fingers through his hair. “I wanna be a dad.” Ben glanced up at you as he said it, and you could see how much he meant it. “Let’s talk about it tonight,” you reached out to stroke Bertie’s pudgy cheek as Ben lent his head against your side, his attention turning back to the baby.

Neither of you mentioned it on the drive home. In fact you both specifically avoided mentioning it, though not from fear of what might be said but rather just wanting to make sure you had adequate time to go over it without rushing. Once you were inside, shoes kicked off and the kettle on, you opened the discussion.  “So....a baby?” Ben nodded, as he settled into the couch, body angled towards you, “I’ve been thinking about it for a bit, it’s not just because of this afternoon but that did help. I really want kids and I think I’m at a place where I feel ready to. Is that...is that okay?” “It’s wonderful Ben. Honestly, I’ve kinda been waiting for this conversation for a while. I’ve seen you interact with kids and I knew it wouldn’t be long before you wanted your own.” He laughed and inclined his head in amused agreement, “So does that mean you like the idea?” “Yeah I do.” “Really? Just that I know you weren’t really sure about it when we first decided to be partners.” “I might not’ve been then, but I am now.”  “What changed?” “Well...you, obviously.” “Me?” He seemed surprised. “Look, before we got together I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship that didn’t make me feel at least a little uncomfortable. I figured I’d be single forever and I was okay with that. I’d considered just having a kid on my own – sperm donor or whatever – but that seemed like a really hard thing to do and I wasn’t sure I’d ever want it bad enough to do that. But then you showed me that it was possible to be in a partnership that felt good and, I don’t know, I started thinking about the possibility of having a family with you, and the more I thought about it the more I liked the idea.” Ben smiled as if he was trying not to look as pleased with your answer as he felt, “So we’re doing this then? For real?” “Yeah I think so. Weird.” “Bit weird.” There was a pause as you both just sat with the knowledge that you were planning a future together, that you both wanted to go ahead with it. You never would have guessed you’d get to that point with anyone.

Ben was the one to break the moment, “How would you want to...I mean how should we...How do you feel about being pregnant?” You bit your lip in thought, “I’m not sure. Honestly, it still kinda freaks me out.” “That’s understandable.” “I mean, if it was a dealbreaker for you then I would. I’m not entirely against the idea of carrying our baby and it would mean we’d get to do the fun part of making it.” “We do the fun part a lot as is,” Ben laughed, “But it’s actually something I thought about a lot.” “The fun part? That doesn’t surprise me.” “No, the you being preggers part,” he said exasperatedly, “I knew you weren’t super keen on the whole thing so I got thinking about whether or not it really mattered to me and I don’t think it does. I think I could be just as happy with a kid that came from someone else. And,” he paused as if giving you time to prepare for what he was about to say, “I might have looked into our options for adopting or fostering.” “You did?” “Mmhmm. It’s kinda complicated so we shouldn’t rush into anything and we should probably contact some agencies to ask questions and stuff.” “How complicated are we talking?” “Well, basically, if we want to adopt I think we have to put our names down with an agency and then there’s an interview process and if they think we’re suitable candidates then they’ll put our names in the system and find us a kid. And I guess it depends on the age bracket you’re looking for. I think if we wanted a newborn we’d be more likely to get one through adoption but it might still take a while whereas older kids are a little easier to find, so that’s something we need to consider.” “What about fostering?” “It sounds even more complicated. Like adoption you put your name down and go through an evaluation process but then there’s a few different options. There’s short term fostering where we’d look after kids for a couple of weeks or months while plans for their futures are finalised. Then there’s long term fostering which is usually for kids who can’t go back home but don’t want to be adopted out of their birth families and they mostly stay with you until they’re adults. Emergency fostering is another option which is a few nights or weeks at most but it’s for kids who need to be moved quickly and you don’t always get a lot of warning about them coming to you. And like, there’s possibilities to end up adopting the kid or kids you foster depending on what they want and how it goes.” You puffed your cheeks up with air and slowly blew it out, head swimming with the sudden influx of information, “That does sound complicated.” “Yeah. We’ll really have to consider out options and decide what sort of family we want to have. I think reading about adoption and fostering made me want to do it more though. Cause like...” he paused as he tried to find the right words, “These kids are out there without good homes and I really believe we could give them that.” You noted Ben was getting a little misty eyed, blinking more rapidly to hold back the emotion, so you tried to make him laugh by nudging him and calling him a sap. But you loved seeing how much he cared.  It worked a little as he chuckled softly and shrugged, “Look, either way – adopting or fostering – it's probably not going to be easy. There’s challenges involved in fostering for sure – kids with trauma we won’t be able to understand, kids who are grieving the loss of their birth families or who’ve had bad experiences with other foster carers and who struggle to trust anyone. And the kids who are up for adoption might not have the same problems, especially if they’re younger but, I don’t know, I think finding out you were put up for adoption would leave its own scars. Issues with abandonment and things like that. So I think we have to be really, really sure before we put our names down anywhere. But I also think we could properly help someone doing it, maybe more than one someone. So, if you’re up for it then so am I.” “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “What are you thinking?” More pros and cons lists?” You both

laughed at that but Ben grabbed your arm, encouraging you to leave your seat and sit on his lap instead. He wrapped his arms around your waist and tilted his head up for a kiss which you gladly gave.  “I’m really happy we’re talking about this,” He almost whispered, squeezing you a little tighter. “Me too. I guess we should start by going through all our options and seeing which ones would suit us best.” "I've got some websites bookmarked and a few documents downloaded so why don't I go get my laptop and you make us a drink and we'll start working through it, okay?" "Okay,"

[sunsetsover]

"I swear half this fandom don't actually like Ben" lmao true! Thing is though he's not likeable all the time and he can be a right old dick. But personally even if I don't like him or his actions at certain times, I feel like the broader picture is still there and I root for him because I get why he's like he is? And I can see and appreciate the softer sides of him even if they're fairly well hidden at times.

I also think some people in the fandom intellectually understand that he's traumatised and a survivor of various abuses, and when that shows in certain ways e.g. like if Callum or Lola is comforting while he's crying. But when it comes to situations like this week with Jags and Whitney, I personally think some people have struggled to understand how his trauma connects to it because it's not as obvious as e.g. Whitney's fiance dies, Gray manipulates her, bish bash bosh hit and run. Even more broadly I think it's easy for the audience to underestimate how Ben's experiences have shaped him because there's a distance created by time, his criminal actions, his (un)likeability factor, not viewing Phil as an abusive parent etc.

I don't wanna say everyone criticising him is like that btw! I'm sure there's a few reasons but I think this plays a part tbh.

i get what you're saying but to me it's like.... why would you even waste so much time invested into someone you don't like most of the time. i genuinely don't get it. ppl tend to ship ballum but hate ben AND hate the majority of the sls lately and it's like.... it's 2021 bro it's not like gay couples are THAT rare anymore there is so much media out there if you're not enjoying what ee are doing then you literally do not have to watch. in fact im BEGGING you for your sake not to. literally just do not engage with media that you aren't enjoying. do not sit in your own negativity writing 20 posts a day abt 'why are they doing this? why don't they do that? if they did this i would enjoy it more' bc you're only making yourself miserable. like this goes for any type of media but literally just stop engaging w it if you're not enjoying it anymore. the think pieces don't help anyone. your opinions aren't universal and they aren't gospel. we all need to stop confusing our opinions w facts. just bc i'm not enjoying smth doesn't mean other ppl aren't and vice versa. just bc i'm not enjoying smth doesn't mean that the thing needs to change. eg i hate the fact that callum is a copper and pray every day that something will force him out of it BUT it doesn't really affect my overall enjoyment of him as a character and it doesn't mean that the show has to make him quit just bc i don't like it. you (the royal you not u specifically anon lmao) might hate the fact that ben still does illegal stuff but that doesn't mean the show has to make him stop just bc you don't like it. if it affects how much you enjoy him as a character/ben and callum as a couple then maybe consider stopping watching. festering in the energy of 'i hate this, i hate what they're doing and here's 1200 words why' is unhealthy! i learned this the hard way !

i know this seems like an irrelevant ramble but i think i've realized that this is what my issue is. ppl not understanding trauma is frustrating and damaging and still pisses me off, but i feel like what actually pisses me off more are the ppl who just don't even attempt to be understanding bc underneath it all they're angry/frustrated at the show/sls and that's how it manifests itself. ppl don't like the direction ben and/or callum are going in and so the minute they (and it's usually ben lbr) step out of line they JUMP on that as an excuse to vent their frustrations and often end up saying shit that is ignorant or damaging or mean or just straight up cruel abt things that are so often symptoms of mental illness or trauma. so they're out here posting so many things and making these cruel little comments bc they can't just acknowledge that they don't actually like ballum anymore meanwhile ppl who are actually disabled/mentally ill/traumatised are sitting there reading all of these things and seeing all the people agreeing w them and it's doing real life damage to people.

is it on purpose? probably not. but that doesn't make the damage any less real. i have never forgotten or forgiven the way ppl reacted after ben went deaf. it was vile. as a disabled person who reacted very badly to being disabled just like ben did, it genuinely fucked me in the head seeing what ppl said abt him during that time. now i understand that it was partially ignorance but also a big chunk of it was ppl being unhappy bc they thought they wouldn't be able to enjoy their ship anymore bc ben was disabled (not that he hadn't been disabled before, but now it wasn't ignorable anymore).

idk there's more i could say but i feel like it's pointless. ppl don't care lmao all they care abt is their ship. which, ok fine whatever, but stop letting ur mentally ill/traumatised/disabled followers get caught in the crossfire bc you can't just admit you're not enjoying it anymore and feel the need to tear the thing down and rant about how it's 'bad writing' or 'out of character' etc etc. it's frustrating to read (which is why im never on here anymore) and speaking from experience it hurts YOU in the long run. negativity breeds more negativity.

you don't need to make excuses! just let it go! find something that does make you happy! you deserve that! and we deserve to be able to enjoy something without seeing ppl tearing it (or worse - us) down every 5 minutes !!

(edit - to clarify anon none of this was aimed at you i just sort of started ranting and didn't even really answer ur question im sorry !! i get what ur saying tho lmao 💞💞💞)