#like im pretty sure its a medical issue 100%

[vamprnce]

I'm feeling really annoyed and insecure abt my hair ngl

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi guys! Got an anon ask with some triggers, so I'm copying it here so I can put a 'read more.'

TW: ED, SH

Here's the original ask:

hey Cas!

hru today? <3

I rlly don’t wanna bother u but I just need some advice bc I’m in a pretty tricky situation and I don’t know who I couldn’t turn to who wouldn’t then tell OTHER people (adults etc)

also a TW b4 anyone reads further: ED (not me but a a friend) and generally bad mental health (including sh and sui)

Basically I have this friend (one of my best friends) who’s struggled with really bad mental health and attempted in the past (we weren’t friends during this time but they’ve shared it with me) they have told me they no longer sh but I’m not entirely sure if I believe him on that but I guess there’s nothing to do except just take their word for it and they are definitely doing better than they were before (about a year or two ago)

thing is this friend does still have a (pretty bad I think) ED (specifically I think they have anorexia but I’m really not sure because I don’t know that much about EDs. I’ve tried to do some research but it’s actually incredibly hard to find any info about them especially in terms of ways to emotionally show support. In a medical sense they always seemed to be talked about like minor things(?) idk it’s hard to explain but often times I’ve been reading actual factual medical stuff and just been disgusted at the ways it’s discussed, like they try so hard to describe it from a technical viewpoint that they essentially the entire mental health aspect of it which kind of demeans the whole thing bc EDs ARE a mental health disorder)

sorry went on a little side rant there but basically I’ve tried to find stuff out but it’s really hard to learn about the mental health aspect and even harder to find stuff out about how to HELP someone through an ED

I’ve even resorted to looking thru some more unsavoury places for info (including anablr), I know these types of places encourage EDs and I am actually not a person who really loves their body very much but I do think I’m in a strong enough place emotionally to do this (and so far I’ve been correct, I’m unaffected) because I just wanted some actual insight on what it’s like

the problem with my friend is that she’s ALREADY in therapy. Her parents put her in it when they found out about her vaping habit but they just lie all the time (she tells me about it) because they have like serious trust issues due to past trauma and I’m gonna be honest, I 100% believe therapy is a good thing but sadly it is also entirely useless if the person doesn’t make any effort to get better

all I can do in that aspect of it is hope the therapy is going better than the jokes he makes about it or that eventually she will feel comfortable enough to share and process her issues

in terms of the ED what im really lost with is how to help

and don’t get me wrong, I know you can’t really help a person who doesn’t want to be helped but honestly I’m not giving up on this person I care about that easily. I will NOT be another person in their life who abandons them for being ‘too much’ or ‘too difficult’. I’ve already accepted the fact that I will not be able to help them out of it really (as best as I can at least)

I’ve already taken to carrying gum and mints in my school bag as much as I can (usually I’ll have a pack of both and I just share them with everyone so this person doesn’t actually catch wind that they’re the reason I do as quite often when they skip lunch they do help themselves to a few of my mints or gum pieces but ik if they knew it was for them they’d stop bc she’s just like that)

I just don’t know how else to help emotionally though, I’m one of the only people (I might be the ONLY person at all) that they feel comfortable enough to talk to about these issues and I just think its better that they’re telling someone who cares about them and is trying to help than telling no one at all which seems to be the alternative. The issue is I don’t know how to respond or show support especially because (thank u trust issues and trauma (/s) the window of vulnerability is SMALL (I’m talking a couple of seconds literally) before they’re joking and changing the subject

Also a small (but frankly compared to the rest of this, not very important) detail is that like I previously mentioned I am also not suuuper happy with my body ( I don’t sh really or have an ED in any way shape or form) and sometimes the stuff he says slightly upsets me (just like once I told him about how my mean grandma told me I was fat and had to eat less and he said his grandma forces him to eat more and that my grandma ‘sounds like her wet dream’ - I know this was just a joke obviously but I didn’t rlly love it considering my grandma is a pretty big source of my looks based insecurities)

like I said in no way is it on the same level and obviously I know it’s not coming from a place of malice because this friend also really looks out for my mental health like way more than my other friends tbh (I don’t know if it’s bc they struggled with it or whether they’re the only one who seems to notice I’m the therapist friend haha but they are the FIRST person to ask if anything’s wrong if I’m acting different and I rlly want to stress that because I know that from what I’ve said so far they may have come across as selfish or something but they are actually one of the kindest people ever) that’s especially why I’m worried if I bring anything up about wanting to help with little things or especially anything about not being a fan of little jokes that she’ll just stop talking about it at all in an attempt to make me feel more comfortable)

for context for all of this, I’m 15 (we both are) so still in school and they’re parents absolutely SUCK (in the most non violent way possible I would like to kill them [not actually but I do really hate them and wish them only the worst]) so there’s no emotional support coming from home for him

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this in real life because (for privacy reasons) they’ve asked me not to share it with like my other friends and I don’t have the greatest relationship with my parents (they’re not like abusive or neglectful or anything but we just have a lot of differences and just I’ve very much emotionally distanced myself from them)

sorry if this is too much because I do know it’s a really tricky situation and even though all of us sort of deify you, you’re still only one person and if this does make you uncomfortable or upset (not just if it’s triggering I mean just in general if you’re reading this and you don’t feel comfortable) in anyway please don’t force yourself to answer or feel guilty if you don’t because the last thing I’d want to do is put you in that kind of position

Im not sure if ill send in more anons but if I do then ill refer to myself (and you can call me) lacy anon so you know who I am (yes after the song bc i rlly love it haha)

Anyway sending lots and lots of love from the person who does basically look up to you as their adult role model and who I wanna be like when I’m older <3

Hi love! You're not bothering me at all!

So, first, I want to let you know that I am an adult, but when I say this, I hope you don't take it as...condescending, I guess? Because I don't mean it that way at all. I want to be realistic in the fact that these things you are dealing with are VERY grown-up and scary, and you are handling them in a remarkably mature way, but you are still legally fifteen.

This is way too much for a fifteen year old to take on.

You genuinely seem like the most amazing person. The fact that you have done research and carry around things for your friends, all to help them with their ED is frankly restoring my faith in humanity a bit. But I worry that you are placing WAY too much of the responsibility on yourself. I don't mean to be bleak or too blunt, but if god forbid anything ever happened, I would hate for you to blame yourself, and it sounds like you would. Your job is to be this person's friend. Not their therapist or caretaker.

So, here's my advice: I absolutely agree that you should not give up on them! But make sure you have boundaries. It broke my heart to read that you were going to places like anablr just to help- that's not healthy for you! As a friend, especially at your age, your most important job is to make sure your friend doesn't feel alone. And you're doing an amazing job, in my opinion. They seem to be willing to talk to you, and that's a big deal. But, in the best way, you are fifteen, and you don't have to have all the answers! Sometimes, the best way to support someone is to remind them that they are loved and they have someone in their corner. BUT remember that being there for someone doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself or your mental health. Say something if a joke makes you uncomfortable. "I love you so much, but that joke makes me feel uncomfortable. Can you maybe not joke like that?" It's okay and healthy to set those boundaries.

Please remember, you are not responsible for this person. You can love them and be there for them and care deeply, but you are responsible for you and your own health. Don't forget you.

My last very gentle suggestion is this: If you ever get to the point that you are so genuinely worried about this friend that you think it is a life-or-death situation, please don't take that on by yourself. I know it is scary, and I know that telling adults mean that there can be ramifications, but remember that if you are genuinely scared, then an adult needs to be there to keep everyone safe. Very bluntly: Trust can be rebuilt but you can't bring people back from some other very permanent decisions.

Again, you are a wonderful person, and a fantastic friend. But remember to take yourself into account and stay safe in all ways. I know this is probably not the advice you want to hear, but I hope maybe you'll consider it.

Sending so much love! <3 <3 <3

[astro-break]

Thoughts on the 10th ep of Hypmic Rhyme Anima+. Spoilers beware

Season 1 | Ep.1 | Ep.2 | Ep.3 | Ep.4 | Ep. 5 | Ep. 6 | Ep. 7 | Ep. 8 | Ep. 9

LETS GOOOO MCD flashbackkkkk

Oh look finally a good look at TBH and the mastermind's faces, nice thanks OFC the big bag is Kaibyaku the medical dude

ah so in the end it all leads back to that company if all three of them worked in the same place

Ofc the classic cheek punch then pass out, always happens

LMAOO they knocked each others teeth out and made friendship bracelets out of it thats a romance right there.

Oh damn does that mean that kaibyaku has some of of medical issue? that was an IV in his arm im pretty sure or at least some sort of drip. Maybe Jakurai will play some sort of big end of series role that heals him? I hope not, that would be a bit boring but it would make sense since kujaku posse is the only duo not affiliated with the whole TBH trio thing

Leader battle lets goooo we'll probably get another leader song which is always fun

I hope we get a TBH one

EYYY HEADSET MIC LETS GOOO I looooveddd rosho's one and im so glad theres another one which is always fun

Huh mic embedded in the hand? Thats an interesting concept

[On a second rewatch I think its interesting how Kenji specifically says "I can't fall here. Not we. Theres some foreshadowing that he is the only real one here. He specifics in his rap vers that its "that wretched party" that belongs in a grave, not any of our characters in particular]

[also another detail. The necromancy + skull imagery to their rap verse…. they are bringing back old ghosts with their song… they are so tragic. The rap on as second watch is just so much more tragic once you know everything]

Kuko's rap uses the letters T B H as the starts of his verses which is fun

NIce imagery of three dragons fighting for dominance, a very apt metaphor for IchiSamaKuko who are just hothead extremes

huh wonder what was ripped up

oh thats a neat explanation of how they were able to do a lot of supernatural stuff. I feel like it would have been more interesting if it was a hallucination, but hey I'll take that L its not that bad even if a bit uninspired/not very well foreshadowed

Also the vibrations as controlling element, as someone who can hear electronics, is something that would work for me 100% wwwww I would go crazy if i had to hear those annoying sound waves 24/7

I mean exposition episode but its kinda cute actually? I hate that they're doing this after revealing that they're dead but it does put in the point that they were people, not good people, but still people

bro… bro… satoru specifically says in his rap that the world's our kitchen… he has so many kitchen metaphors here…. bro still holds his dream of opening a restaurant with his totally platonic life bro even after death… bro…..

I mean its not that bad of a motive, im not that convinced that they're in the wrong. I'm also very much a sucker for acts of destructive love which is why i may be more inclined to cheer for kaibyakumon

While I do wish that they had fleshed out Kenji's relationship with Satoru and Akira a bit more, I do feel like the duo's dynamic on its own was really well presented before the big reveal. Like what's Kenji's feelings about SatoAkira, why is he so invested in this whole plan other than borderline idolizing kaibyaku?

I feel its hilarious how kenji's just sitting there while kaibyaku is just going on his monologue wwww

Nice, i like how they used Oosaka's island nature into their planning but there Are other bridges going into the mainland im pretty sure?

okay but why should you care? Like hes doing a overall good? Kaibyakumon's goals are aligned with the overall cast's motive of making sure that the government is placed in check so if the team wants us to have a reason to root against them, gotta give a good reason, esp after that backstory

LMAO HIFUMI oh i feel so bad for him

[irregulardiaryposts]

20:40 07/03/2024

okay wow well its been well over two years since i updated this 'diary' blog lol

so weird seeing all those old posts about being a teenager with existential thoughts lol i dont really think like that anymore, at least not so much. i guess an update is in order then lmao okay so im in my 3rd year of uni now and im doing my year abroad! doing it in a small city in spain and i really quite like my job, ive only got 14hrs, i have a 3 day weekend, the city is small so i can walk everywhere and this job really gives me a sense of purpose that ive been missing in my life. makes me really realise that university is NOT for me lmfao i was so depressed during my second year i probs went to like 20% of my classes loool. im pretty sure i mightve almost failed aswell but since the professors were doing a marking boycott they released grades without marking the final exam and so since i was already doing well enough in all my classes i passed! quite lucky i think cos i wouldve been so entirely embarrassed and ashamed if i had to repeat a year cos of mental health. i think things are better here tho my issues havent disappeard completely like eg i have these evening classes 6-7.40pm tuesdays and thursdays and for the past like month i havent attended :/ at first it was cos i was sick (i think it was covid lol either from glasgow or on the plane back idk) and then i just didnt go back to class. i think my main excuse is that that is dinner time for me and i dont wanna move dinner time lol. but also i think the class itself is just not for me i dont feel like i learn a whoooole lot while im there and learning on apps is easier for me? but i always felt better for going to the classes cos i was like ha! im not depressed would a depressed person do this!? but of course depression doesnt work like that and i think i need medicated ! but that seems too scary to say. but at least i found someone to do a language exchange with! ive only had one hour with her in spanish, which was yesterday, but i already feel like ive improved lmaooo like i literally dreamt last night in a mix of spanish and english ahahahah cos when i think about it i literally have not ever regularly spoken spanish, ive only really spoken for activies in class or speaking exams so no wonder i have 0000 confidence in my speaking abilities but im hopeful that this will really improve my speaking :) about my job i guess- i work in a high school and i really enjoy interacting with the kids they really do make every day different and more interesting so i am grateful for them but sometimes damnnn sometimes i wanna jump out the window especially with this third year class they are the class KNOWN for being a bitof a pain lol and sometimes i have to lead the class by myself lmaooo mid u ik im 20 but i dont look it and they certainly dont treat me like an adult or a teacher and ngl they are a bit disrespectful at times but also what are u gonna do they are 14 and i have no proper teaching experience to help them by myself i can only hope that im actuallt helping them learn english lol. it is quite difficult tho with my scottish accent to try and sound as clear as possible because i pronounce almost 100% of the vowel sounds differently than rp english which is what i think they are used to so i have to realllyyyy annunciate all my words and man is it tiring lol.

what else. im going to madrid this weekend with bestie and im really looking forward to having a relaxing and fun time but i still havent packed my bags looooooool i alwyas do this tho and its fine not a big deal at all but i def need to do it tonight cos im leaving tomorrow immediately after work so ill have to have an actual breakfast and take snacks with me. im really enjoying my time in spain or at least im trying to but i feel like i have pushed myself enough out my comfort zone to be able to look back on this and say yeah i really took advantage of that. like i think i need to be more personable (is that a word yes it is i used it right) in teaching and be more interactive with them and stuff also i feel like i shoulve arranged a language exchange sooner cos i think this will really help, and i need to interact more with the other assistant but the thing is is im just not a sociable personnnnnnn aghgh. any way cutting this short cos i need to pack my bags for my trupppppp

[emberkyrlee]

15 Questions

Tagged by @hectic-hector

1. Were you named after anybody?

My mom was inspired by her cousin for my given name. I think its a different spelling though maybe? Too bad it never fit me.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Came close to it yesterday. Very frustrated with my medical issues and mental health and can't seem to get actual help and I just want to be in Australia already. Its been a lot.

3. Do you have kids?

Nope.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Yeah, especially in regards to me messing things up or something sucking. Examples "Oh boy, that was FUN." or "That's me, pinnacle of grace." (things have just fallen and it was definitely my fault.)

5. What sports do you play/have played?

I never really got into sports. Like, I HAD to play certain things as a kid, but I constantly was getting injured or bullied so I hated it. To this day I DREAD dodgeball. (I could dodge just fine. Could never aim or catch)

6. What’s the first thing you notice about someone?

Honestly it varies I think. I genuinely cannot think of one specific thing. Its VERY much a "depends on the individual" thing.

7. Eye color?

Dark green amber? Most people don't notice, they just see its dark and think its brown until they look closer.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings 100%. I've had enough of scary or depressing IRL.

9. Any special talents?

Singing? Or do you mean like those weird oddball talents you wouldn't necessarily bring to a talent show. Cause I'm not sure what to tell you for that. XD

10. Where were you born?

Seattle, Washington.

11. What are your hobbies?

Singing, doodling, watching/listening to youtube, tried learning balisong tricks for a bit, but turns out almost all of them require having meaty, strong hands and mine are bony.

12. Do you have any pets?

I have a calico cat, Neo, short for Neapolitan. (Roomie has 3 cats)

13. How tall are you?

5'1".

14. Favorite subject in school?

In high school it was Choir, Drama, and maybe English? The short time I was in college, it was pretty much anything related to Anthropology.

15. Dream job?

I honestly do not know... Folklorist? It's something I've been thinking about lately, what kind of job would I WANT to have. And I'm kinda... struggling to think of one. I tried for a pet grooming job at one point, and I didn't hate the idea? I'd need more detailed training though. Also not sure if my current average amount of spoons would cover it. Could be a bit much for me now.

Tagging (no pressure):

@devilmaycrye @lady-vossler @im-tom @oraclegazes@overly-dramatic-artist

[chasing-rabbits]

After meeting with my psychiatrist my new one I’ve managed to take my meds every single day for I think I’m at like over a week now that’s for sure I’d have to go get my med packet to check and I’m being lazy but the point is I’ve not missed a single dose for over a week I haven’t been able to go a single week without missing a dose since well since the pandemic really probably before that tbh. I’m not 100% sure because the year before the pandemic started I was discharged from my MH unit and had to start a PAL’s complaint and it was all a bit ajslkajdl and they left me on medication that caused a major manic relapse so my recall of that time isn’t exactly brilliant and the medication they left me on was only making me worse.

Giving a Bipolar patient anti depressants and nothing else is going to guarantee they have a manic relapse so yeah and then mid summer they eventually took me back and got me on the medication I’m on now but it took awhile to kick in because it doesn’t actually stop manic episodes so I had just wait til I’d transitioned out of my mania before they actually did anything it’s a preventative as I understand it but from what I was told at the time at least because I was mid mania that it’s not gonna like stop that particular manic cycle now idk if that’s because the meds don’t work like that or maybe it’s because a lot of these meds often take at least a month or more to even kick in and well I’d already been manic for many months at that point and as someone who doesn’t usually have mania for more than 3months I’d already gone past the point so idk if they were assuming I’d be coming out of it soon anyways before the meds could be in my system enough to actually work idk I’m pretty sure its the former and not the latter but hey ho. So yeah that was a long winded way of saying holy shit it’s been 2 years since I’ve managed to consistently take my meds and I’m pretty proud of myself right now this is a big achievement for me I also realised I think I struggled so much because of my old psychiatrist. I always put it down to depression because over the pandemic I lost two grandparents and had a lot of other family health issues going on amongst some other rather horrific events so it was a LOT of stress on me at the time but the thing is it’s still been pretty stressful lately and whilst I’m in a better home environment as I am now no longer living with my abusive dad I’ve had other worries because I’m now no longer living with my abusive dad in the middle of a cost of living crisis trying to figure out how to afford everything on benefits. Plus I spent an entire week in Spain last month dealing with all the responsibility of trying to find my granddad a care home so the hospital would release him as his condition has deteriorated quite a bit - he’s been on dialysis a while he’s had ongoing health issues so it’s not anything new but he is getting a lot worse but he lost his wife/my grandma last year very suddenly to cancer so it’s understandable he’s not coping so great rn.

So it’s not like the stress of family illness has gone either which made me realise I think some of my issues taking my medications stemmed from a severe lack of trust in my psychiatrist and I say this because I am someone who has had really severe side effects on EVERY mental health medication I’ve EVER been on and had side effects that you shouldn’t even get on such low doses and when I’d brought some concerns up with him about my current meds he went off at me rather aggressively about how I dared to ask him questions or question the meds he was giving me because he’s the professional and im here to see him - irony is I was asking the question because my first psychiatrist was very adamant he’d never put me on an anti seizure medication EVER due to some family history medical stuff so I was asking/concerned about why he was putting me on these meds and clarifying something with regards to risks these meds have based on my family history. I think after that and his lack of ever listening to me like I would report about how I was getting xyz side effects so I didn’t wanna up the meds and his immediate response was ‘How about we up ‘x’ medication’ he obviously was zoned out the entire time i was talking to him this was during the pandemic so it was all phone call appointments at first bcos they’d not set up video calling yet. This created a distrust especially because this came after the events in 2019 where I was discharged whilst manic and honestly that was such a traumatic time for me. So I was already wary of any new psychiatrist I was gonna have after that even and he didn’t help matters at all he was cold showed no empathy and really most of the time didn’t listen to what I had to say. This new psychiatrist took me off a bunch of medications that were not helping my anxiety or bpd which my old psych new because he then prescribed me something else but never removed the old meds which idk why tbh from my prescription so I just got more and more meds piled onto me with more and more side effects that were often already more prominent/severe because I’m so damn sensitive to medications.

Being taken off the anti depressants has made a BIG difference not so much in that they were making my mental health worse (they caused major heartburn issues to the point I was having to take more than the recommended dose of my meds for it and so far I’m not sure that’s changed yet so who knows if that’s permanent because long term use of these heart burn meds can do damage to your stomach anyways so its just circular). But it more so made a big difference to my mindset I guess I was feeling shitty I had so many meds and I had all that shit with the old psych as well I’d lost hope I guess in the system & I was taking meds that did nothing for me so it was hard to be motivated to take any of them at all tbh. But now I got to see that new psych he went over the things I’d been wanting to ask the old one about risks of ‘xyz’ stuff and I felt confident in him and his answers and my ability to trust him. So that made me feel a bit more relaxed and less worried about taking them and because in the end he decided to remove more medications from me than even I’d been asking for and instead decided to just leave me on the one med that has been working for my Bipolar. And I know I talked about that before about how happy I was with him and the way he works but yeah I’m just happy I’ve been able to take my meds for an entire week and more now. Although I’ll be honest I originally opened this post up to vent about how despite being on these meds again I’m still having a super depressed day today which okay these meds aren’t for the bpd although they can help some people with bpd too. Also I’m only just back on them but like as much as I’m happy I’m back on my medication again for my bipolar I’m still suffering with the bpd and I’ve still got some concerns about private therapy more so issues with my dad and stuff as opposed to the therapy itself. Although I heard back from the therapist yesterday and she’s gonna let me know when a spot opens up which will hopefully be soon I imagine not til the new year sometime though but hoping it’s not longer than like Easter time because I’ve been wanting/needing this for awhile now and I’ll obviously wait as long as I need to but yeah I just hope it’s not too long a wait. And hopefully by then my dad will be on board with everything and not create any issues or drama about it all.

[horce-divorce]

i have my Big appt w the Gender Doctor tomorrow... I've already had my letter and my "diagnosis" (fun fact: they actually asked me if it was ok to diagnose me w dysphoria or w/e, they seem to be aware of the controversy around pathologising language) as well as gotten my levels checked.. i am pretty sure this is the last thing is this big visit where he has to explain everything incl needles, get my consent, and all that shit

soooo... I think im about to start T????? scrreeeeee

lil rant about my nervs under the cut

im very nervous, more about my pharmacy & my family than anything actually related to T. ive had issues w the pharmacy just trying to get my birth control and normal meds (like they'd give me my meds but would straight up "forget" my birth control... very relevant: we have about 100 fundie churches in this town and some actual bona fide fundamentalists cults as well. its not a large town). plus theyve been constantly understaffed and have taken up to a week to fill my scripts. my friend a few towns over gets his stuff from WG and sometimes they give him the wrong needle sizes which seemingly is smth that happens to trans folks a lot... i am prepared to switch pharmacies and/or go running to corporate like a Karen if they give me issues, but i've never had to switch from walgreens before (only to a different wg?) so idk specifically what to do if that's the case

but anyway yeah. lil worried about pharmacy giving me the runaround. and a lil worried about my moms reaction. even tho she's been nothing but supportive, it still seems to surprise her when i talk about being trans. if I make a joke about how trans I was as a kid in hindsight, she's wont laugh along, she's kinda just like 😳 😳 and goes on w her day. but other times she'll bring it up?? one time she said something about "when youve got your van and are transitioning" like she doesnt think I'm transitioning right now lol. i think she's gonna be surprised to find out that im starting T now but fuck I waited 15 years. aint waiting any longer.

its just like. there is a non-zero chance she still has ties w folks from the west mich womyns music fest (good fucking riddance). we actually had a huge fight once (yearrrs ago) bc even in the midst of them going under BECAUSE of their transphobia, she kept trying to get me to support them "as a feminist."

so despite how supportive she's been and that she is absolutely trying I can just FEEL that there are still reservations she has that she simply doesn't want to talk about. she's not gonna tell me what to do w my body or any of my medical care. I'm an adult, and that's generally the rule in our house, but idk it's like. this tension in the air. i think she still separates my "being trans" from "me" in her head, and i think she does it w other folks too (my parents are HUGE fans of Eddie Izzard, esp her Dress to Kill special from back in the day. and yet cannot wrap their heads around her being trans. she's been out for like. 30 years. she doesnt make a secret of it). i feel kinda bad saying it bc she DOES try. she actually corrects my pronouns (and Eddie's!) more than anyone else in my family when others fuck it up. I just don't think she fully understands why she's doing it and im not sure if she cares to. challenge her notion of what a trans person is?

idk its pretty obvious when cis ppl are doing the whole "her > no, i have to overlay an image of a boy on the body that I am seeing bc You Are A Her Who Wants To Be a Him" or vice versa, instead of just "You Are Him". it's like they're trying to translate me into a different language without changing the words. does not compute.

ughhh idk. anyway i am just hoping that she can see how much of a change it makes for me and sees me being happier and calmer and stuff. i already have been WAY more chill even in the last 2 years just since being out. i think that it will make it easier for me to like. express emotions like love and gratitude? i think part of why i've always kinda felt stunted in that area or like I couldn't connect w my parents like I sometimes do w other people, was bc of being closeted.... if she sees me as an extension of herself, Her Daughter, and I cannot be myself fully and truthfully, how can i express my emotions fully and truthfully, they are a part of who I am? I've just been told many times by the world that expressing myself honestly makes other people uncomfortable... anger was the only thing i could reach for so long. oof.

its just funny (not ha-ha funny) how even after having a feminist mom who didnt make me dress girly as a kid; after having lived in a huge queer household; having almost exclusively queer friends for 10+ years; after having BEEN OUT in high school; and now, again, being in a supportive environment where everyone is trying to validate me... despite all of that I STILL find myself feeling guilty for transitioning, guilty for showing people who I am. wondering "Wouldnt it be easier if I didnt. Wouldnt it be better for everyone if I just let them think I was a girl. wouldnt it be easier to deal w my other medical stuff w/o being outed every time I go to a new Spectrum location. wouldnt it be easier for everyone who has to deal w grandpa right now. there's nothing wrong with being a girl. Maybe I could keep being a girl if I had to."

but i know that's not right. if I don't live my life at this point it will kill me faster than anything that's medically wrong with me. i am not a girl. trying to be a girl when I didnt want to be made me suicidal for years. it made me into a horrible person and informed all kinds of terrible decisions I wish I hadn't made.

i know that transitioning is the right thing. to be perfectly clear, I am nothing but excited about testosterone and ALL of the changes it will bring me, there is literally not a single one that I don't want, that I havent wanted with my entire being my WHOLE life. i know that i am doing the right thing because for the first time in my life these are choices I've made FOR ME, for no one else and for no purpose but for the joy and sense of peace and completeness that it brings me to know that I am trans.

my fear is that I won't be able to articulate that to other people. or that ill have 1 bad experience and regress to not being able to stand up for myself or w/e.

so yeah, nothing but actual love and excitement for my T appointment. im just outlining how much cis bullshit really ends up defining the experience of transition for so many of us, and how much anxiety and fear it can still impart. even when you surround yourself with queer and trans support, even when ppl in your life are being cool, even when you are SO SURE of who you are. despite all of that, I am still afraid I'll end up detransitioning because of other people's issues...

but tbf i kind of have this with everything. I move into a new place, it TERRIFIES me rather than brings me comfort. how am I going to lose this home, too, and how long do I have? i've never felt at home in my body before, and every time I thought I found/built a home, I lost it. I've been evicted and lost my housing so many times and... have kinda had the same thing happen w my body, in a sense. feeling like if I start trying to decorate how I want ill get in trouble somehow bc nothing good can truly last and there's always some higher authority to answer to... idk.

anyway I need a proper therapist obviously lmfao and I dont expect anyone to read this. to be clear I am mostly very excited and optimistc. just nervouscited u know what i mean

[pa-panda-heroes]

Hi! This is chest surgery anon! Im sorry I didn't see your character limit! So sorry! If your requests are open, could I have possibly Dabi, Shigaraki, and Toga? And as for the medical stuff anything is fine with me! You can go all out if ya want! Thank you so much and again so sorry!

Aww, sweetheart!! It’s okay!! I understand <3 a lot of people tend to miss character limits and a while back I didn’t have one, so i take no offense to it! ( ◠‿◠ )b I hope you’re recovering well still~

Dabi, Tomura, and Himiko helping out their s/o who has had chest surgery!

Dabi:

Oof. He understands the struggle of recuperation, hardcore. Because of his staples, stretching too much for Dabi is sometimes agonizing. And replacing the staples into torn skin? Hell itself.

So while he’s not that great at encouragement and would be a nurse with horrible bedside manners, he’d rather do things for you and leave it at that. Dabi can reach out for your phone or your drink, or help you wash your hair if that is a problem for you (he’ll get frisky if you’re well enough, though! He’s a greedy bastard at times).

A lot of his staples he can’t reach, so oftentimes you have to help with that. But now, it’s you that needs help, and he’s kinda relieved in an odd way. It makes him feel less weak, so he’s more than happy - though he won’t admit that - to help change your bandages and keep everything clean and drained out.

He’s a professional at being careful with stitches if there are any, because he has experience from his staples. Bandages, however, are a different story. He has to be really careful not to wrap them too tightly or too loosely, which is hard to do when it’s not your own body.

If you’re stuck with a drainage tube or more (or just regular seepage), he won’t be bothered much by it. After all, he has seen and smelled much worse with his own problems and there’s the burning people alive part. Almost nothing fazes this man.

One concept he doesn’t understand, though, is the whole “it will look worse before it looks better” part. Hold up - you just had surgery, doesn’t that mean it should be, ya know, healing? Why does it look like you got hit with a truck y/n are you dying what tHE FU-

Bruising happens sometimes, Dabi. It’s cool. Swelling means white blood cells are doing their part to repair damaged tissue, higher temperature just means increased blood flow. You have to look up several explanations on the internet before he finally gets it. You’d think he would have experience in this department!

Will 100% secretly whine about it all, though. He’s a massive cuddler behind closed doors, so with your stitches, limited movement, and the likely pain, he’s practically frothing at the mouth to fully cuddle and then some. He knows you can’t help it, though! So he pouts in total silence.

Tomura:

When you tell him you’re gonna need help during your recuperation, he’s totally fine with it. It can’t be that hard, he’ll say. Helping you get dressed? Nah, he’ll be fine. Can’t help cook? That’s fine, he’ll get take-out because he can’t cook for shit. But bandages? Oh.

He’ll be fine, he says. He can do it without looking away, he says. But when it comes to it, Tomura is gone. He’s lost. What the fuck is that? Is that a tube?! Why is it swollen?! Tape is nOT MEANT FOR HUMAN BODIES, Y/N-

You poor thing, you have to teach him how to help out. Removing bandages, cleaning everything with antisceptic, watch out for drainage and note down its color, don’t tug on the stitches, signs of infection - all of it. But at least he’s a good listener! He may not know why he’s doing it, but he knows what he’s doing now, at least.

Tomura won’t be totally clueless to everything. If you’re in pain, he’ll bring out painkillers and something to wash it down with before you can even ask. He’ll also ask if ice or a heating pad is okay. He’s a little clueless, but he’s got the spirit. He’s pretty observant, too.

Tomura will get plenty of pillows to put under your arms if you have to hold them a certain way, too. But they get in the way of his putting his head on your lap, so he’ll get all mopey and just use one of the pillows under your arms. Except he can’t get comfortable because it just isn’t the same, so he’ll constantly adjust his head.

His bedside manners won’t be great, he’ll be gruff when telling you to get better, but you know he means well because he won’t look you in the eye. And because he spoils you with treats like his life depends on it, even though that’s really not the kind of diet you need.

Entirely unfazed if you need help bathing. This, he knows how to do! Unlike Dabi, he won’t get any funny ideas and carries on as if he’s bathing himself. Tomura’s utterly silent most of the time, but it’s not difficult to sprout a whole conversation out of him. It’s really peaceful and serene, and he much prefers it over cleaning out any drainage...

Super gentle, sometimes too gentle. Tomura just worries about hurting you. If you share a bed, he will absolutely refuse to sleep in bed with you and instead opts for the floor next to you. He’s a very active sleeper and he’s afraid he’ll end up whacking you with an arm or something. But then, he has to be close to make sure you’re okay or if you need anything. Hence why he ends up on the floor next to you.

Himiko:

She’s creepily compliant when you ask her to help out during your recuperation. But poor Himiko has no idea what this entails for herself or you. She’s used to creating wounds on other people, not fixing or healing them.

Himiko is average height (for a Japanese woman), so reaching things won’t be a major issue unless you’re much taller and store things up high. ...she’s really good at climbing, though, but if memory serves her, you don’t like it when she does that!

Doesn’t mind blood, swelling, bruising - you name it. The sight, the smell, none of it bothers her at all! In fact, seeing you all banged up and bandaged makes her love you more! It’s like you’re all beaten up and bloodied, and she thrives off of it. She really kinda hates that you’re trying to heal and get better.

Of course, when there’s pain she doesn’t quite care much for that part. You’re not like yourself when you’re hurting so badly, she can tell, and it makes her really nervous and anxious. Himiko gets really quiet and mopey, and even more clingy than she already is.

She’s also pouty because she can’t hang off of you like a sloth off a branch. Himiko is too cuddly for her own good, so on a normal day she’s constantly all over you in any which way. It’s just in her nature. However, if you’re able to reverse the rolls, she’ll be much happier!

Really bad at bandaging. Really bad. She forgets to keep everything clean and what to use, she tends to be rough around the sutures, and she can’t get a bandage to keep in place to save her little butt. There’s tape everywhere when she’s done, and half of it won’t stick. How do people do this for a living?!

She’s not a great nurse. Not really. But she’s definitely a source of entertainment. Himiko talks to herself under her breath a lot, and sometimes she’ll say the funniest things when she’s confused about how to do something. Doesn’t matter if it’s her nurse-ly duties or be it cooking and getting clothes for you.

Himiko won’t really bother looking up medical jargon and what’s needed to help you in that department. It’s not that she doesn’t want you getting better. She just really enjoys having you rely on her even if for a short while! It’s more time you get together after all, and she’s super clingy.

[coldvampire]

few thoughts rattling around in my brain beyond re8 oc vibes

i kinda just copied over my ideas for lasombra abilities for her lmao but to be fair i dont think the shadow stuff is entirely canon there? whatever we can reuse them fgfhgjh

im tossing around some names in my head currently and i seem to be liking myrcella/marcella a lot sound wise but im not sure if its whats going to end up being the final choice. i also kind of enjoy Florence as a nod to florence nightengale bc of the medical themes connecting with the whole mortician thing but that’s a pretty loose reference and im not sure it would be obvious enough. p set on Blackburn as the surname tho, i think that has a good ring to it & also sounds like it fits with the rest of the character names. i recognize that doesnt make a lot of sense but im sure you know what i mean lmao. i did throw together a look for her in the sims but ofc i dont have a screenshot on me and its too late to boot up my pc, but she’s pretty creepy & cute.

i also like the idea of her being instrumental in the ‘everyone lives/is revived’ au bc her background as a mortician/embalmer means shes almost definitely performed autopsies before & knows how the body works. i think her cadou would be left alone since its Very internal and we’re not about to do self surgery gfgjhkj heisenberg’s also has to be pretty well hidden? and imo i think he’s probably attached to his metal powers? like he’s legitimately human passing he’s probably just quasi-immortal or at least very sturdy and long-lived. alcina & her daughters are some others i can’t see any post-revival changes being made to, she seems fairly comfortable with her stature and bela/cassandra/daniela also see like they’d miss their abilities. donna might want some cosmetic partial removal just based on where her cadou implant is on the face & ms blackburn would be very much accommodating. moreau is. a whole other story gfhgjhj like im sure blackburn is just very much of the ‘yeah no we’re not bringing him back unless i can remove at least Some of the implants from him i feel like thats just inhumane at that point he has Four’ but also lowkey she probably gfhgjhk finds him annoying and since no one is even going to remotely approach the topic of bringing back m*randa, he would be. so much worse. (we’re also just like. gonna completely ignore what happened to the village itself or! perhaps the blast radius wasnt as large as we assumed? idk regardless the post-crystal-revival place of residence is still a village in the ass end of nowhere) 

anyway onto fgfhgjh self indulgent relationship ramblings lmao. this is all still pretty fluid in my head & im just playing with ideas. 

so like. karl heisenberg yeah? (are we surprised this is the one i went for i think not if you know my history). it’s 100% a tedious slow burn lmao i mean years of buildup. she’s fairly quiet and mostly keeps to herself however she also used to abide by the ‘keep your head down and obey’ strategy of dealing with miranda and i suspect that would probably? chafe with heisenberg a bit? because on one hand she clearly has no love for the woman but she’s also not doing anything about it. so they don’t exactly fight because it’s not like he really knows her well but there’s a long feeling-out period before she finally gets approached with the request of providing more of the organic components to his army. once again it’s a pretty neutral response & at first she’s more motivated by curiosity instead of anything altruistic but other time you know, conversations happen, there’s a nice little routine they’ve built up. he even walks her back after family meetings a few times without realizing because he’s focused more on whatever they’re talking about. i also keep going back to the glasses thing because its sweet & he can brush it off as something practical. the low-light vision is very much still an issue for her and while the factory is usually okay, some areas are still no good. same with a lot of the indoor areas in the village actually, to the point where her usual eyewear is basically a somewhat translucent blindfold to ‘muffle’ light (outside she’s got a parasol with a black veil on the edge of it too). so he just like. makes a pair with an appropriate lens but probably doesn’t mention they were made by him until years later lmao. but they’re super useful and she wears them often which i think he would kind of love & probably get weirdly bashful about. they probably don’t actually for real get together until after the game and things have more or less settled down & everyone is trying to figure out what they do with their lives next but i think seeing him again is probably one of the most blatant displays of emotions she’s ever had lmao. like as fun as the idea of a secret relationship going on while miranda is still alive is, i just don’t see either of them being receptive to the idea with everything thats happening. but after? that’s another story. feral looking man and woman who looks not feral but is actually just as unhinged inside, we love to see it. 

also have some picrews why not 

link  link link link

[uncloseted]

i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

[fanficsrusz]

Toothache - John Wick oneshot

A/n: so this was requested by @babymadz. Its kinda on the shorter side but its fluff. I hope you enjoyed it and im sorry if its not that good im kinda having some family issues at the moment so im not 100% commited to writing at the moment 😅

_________________________________________

Stepping in the shower, john let the hot stream of water wash over his body. Sighing he brushed his hands through his hair. John had taken some time off from his work and word had gotten out that he had become 'soft' because of a certain girl. Well girl was a term john used loosely, he would describe her as more of a God. He smiled thinking about her. Maybe he had gone a little soft because of her. Her name was y/n and for some reason unknown to him, she had fallen in love with him and accepted his marriage proposal more than two years ago. She was always kind and put others first despite the countless times john had told her to not forget about herself and to not let people abuse her. She had this glow about her that made anyone within a 5 mile radius get drawn to her. Her jokes were lame but kept john entertained for hours. She was beautiful on the inside and out.

He looked down at the gold wedding band on his finger and his smile grew even larger, this was the first time in a while he had truly been happy and it was all thanks to her.

Before he knew it the bathroom door slammed open, interrupting his train of thought. 'speak of the devil' john thought just before the shower curtain was drawn back abruptly and y/n stood there, her face red and stained with tears. John was shocked to see his normally smiley wife a crying mess. "Y/n? What happened? Who hurt you?" his voice was serious as jumped out of the shower so he could check over her body, looking for any indication that she had been hurt. Seeing nothing he was confused and so took in her appearance. Comfy shorts and one of John's old shirts. Her hair flowed loosely around her face, finished off with a bit of popcorn stuck to a strand and it soon became apparent as to what caused her to cry. "what movie was it this time?" he laughed and she just sobbed harder as she leant forward to hug him "marley and me" she said, well that's what john interpurated the sounds between cries to be. He laughed again as he leant down to rest his head on top of hers before giving her a small kiss. "y/n its only a film. No dog was killed for real" she pulled back and looked up at him through wet eyelashes before looking down at his naked form. She blushed instantly despite the fact that she had seen him naked thousands of times. John laughed at her actions before grabbing a towel and wrapping it around himself. "come on. We'll go watch a movie were no animals die" he began to lead her out towards to living room before leaving her to go get dressed.

A few minutes later and john came out seeing y/n sat on the floor looking through movies, all evidence of her previous crying session was gone and replaced with her usual smile. She stood up turning to him as she grabbed the popcorn that was placed on the table. Popping a piece in her mouth she walked towards john "babe, i thought we cou- OW"  she stopped halfway through her sentence as she grabbed her mouth in pain and john rushed over. "let me see" he asked opening her mouth blood slowly filling it. "looks like you've cracked a tooth. We have to go to the dentist" y/n stepped back shaking her head. "NO! Its ok i can just take so- OW" another wave of pain shocked her. John knew of her fear of the dentist and stepped forwards holding her shoulders "you have to go. I'll be right there with you holding your hand. It won't be that bad. I promise" he kissed her forehead before she sighed, '' I have no choice but to do it do i" she said carefully trying not to cause herself anymore more pain and john just pushed her towards the bedroom "nope. Go get dressed and i'll make an emergency appointment."

Within 20 minutes, y/n was laid down in the dreaded dentist chair and her hand nervously tapped on the arm rest as the dentist looked in her mouth. John placed a hand on her leg and rubbed it soothingly just as the dentist stepped back ready to give his diagnosis. "well it seems you have chipped a part of your wisdom tooth so we can just remove it for you today" he said it so calmly and y/n sat up tears in her eyes. "are you sure? Won't it hurt? Im-"

The dentist cut her off before she could ramble on with any more questions. "Mrs Wick, your husband has already told me about your fear and rest assured, you will only feel some mild pain for a day or two after the surgery. You would be completely anesthetized and will feel no pain, think of it more as a little nap. It will take no more than an hour" the dentist said it in such a way that y/n felt silly for even being scared and out of embarrassed just nodded as she agreed to go along with the procedure. "ok give me 5 minutes and i will get the anesthetist and we can begin" he smiled and walked out. Y/n laid down again as fear consumed her. John leaned down and kissed her deeply "y/n don't worry, i will be right here" to shaken to speak she just nodded again as she laid waiting for the torture begin.

An hour later and the dentist had called john back into the room where y/n had the surgery. "Mr Wick, everything went fine and she is perfectly alright however she will be a little out of it for the next couple of hours or so, so just watch out for her and make sure she takes her pain medication regularly" he lead john into the room where y/n sat talking to the nurse about something with a big grin on her face, her mouth stuffed full of wool. 'so far she seems normal' he thought but he was soon proven wrong. As y/n caught sight of john she grabbed the nurse and pulled her closer "you see this is my husband he's actually a secret ninja but but you cant tell no one" she pulled her finger to her lips making a shushing noise and john just laughed awkwardly hoping the nurse would just take it lightly and not think she was telling the truth and luckily she did. "she has quite the imagination" the nurse laughed and john nodded "you have no idea" he stepped forward and began to help y/n up "come on let's get you home." she reached out for his face like a child before she began to poke and pull it. "you're really good looking and i want to kiss you but my husband would kill you if he found out" she whispered and john laughed "well you are pretty special to him".

At this time, y/n attention span was the same as a toddler and she couldn't keep to one conversation the whole ride home. Once they were finally parked outside john helped her to the front door as she spoke gibberish about some fairy. He let go of her for one second to unlock the door before turning around to her. "ok lets get you t- y/n" as he turnt around, she was gone and he panicked "Y/N!" he shouted not being able to see her but then her laugh broke the silence and he followed it around the house and made his way to the garden where she sat playing with a stray cat. He walked over to her slowly and he could begin to hear her talking to the cat softly ".... I really love him mr kitty cat. He's the beeeessssssttttt. He's tall he's handsome he can kick people's asses and he's reallllly good in bed" john smiled and walked closer before crouching down next to her scaring the cat off. She looked up at him before smiling "Jooooohhhhnnnnnn there you are. I just wanted to tell you i love you and that i want to have the sex with you" she laughed and booped his nose. John looked dow. At her "as much as i would love to have the sex with you, you need to rest. Come on" he scooped her up and made his way inside before putting her in bed. After an hour of y/n talking nonsense and john just laughing at her, she finally fell asleep as john stroked her hair. Despit her swollen face and messy hair, she was still the most beautiful girl he had even seen. He smiled as he leaned down to kiss her forehead before slowly getting out of the bed, careful not to disturb her.

Five hours later and a groggy y/n staggered out of the bedroom holding her face. John looked up and smiled when he saw her "hey" he said and she just looked at him before making her way over and falling on top of him "my face hurts and im hungry" she mumbled hiding her face in his stomach as an attempt to hide from the pain. He stroked her hair and she looked up at him "thank you for looking after me. What can i do to repay you?" she hugged him and he just smiled. "being next to me is more than enough" he kissed her on the lips and she smiled " no seriously". John looked up and thought for a second before smirking. "well if i remember correctly a little someone called y/n promised to have the sex with me. That might be a good place to start" he laughed holding her cheeks in his hands and she sat up. "I said that?" john sat forward and kissed her gently before nodding "yep". It was her time to smirk "in that case i will have the sex with you as payment for you taking such good care of me" john smiled brightly but y/n just laid back down again "but maybe in a week or so because my face hurts to much" john laughed "cock block" he laughed as he stroked her hair slowly sending her back to sleep "youre too good for me. sweet dreams my favourite little toothache." he smiled relishing in the happiness that y/n had given him over the last few years and for many more years to come.

The end

_________________________________________

A/n: i hate the dentist so very very much....

[australian-desi]

Qurbaan Hua ~ Episode 5-9: Of IVF Being Horrible, Windchimes, Cunning Aunties and Disgusting Husbands

Gonna dive right in

Episode 5

Mans has gone from “me and Meera have been dating for 6 months” to screaming “I LOVE YOU MEERA” at the top of the mountain 

Time for another coincidance - it’s purnima so he’s going to go ask for a mannat and on this day different people from different faiths go to this certain place for their wishes and prayers - and we all know what that means

Also now that I’ve watched a few episodes, I have to say I really like the styling  for Chahat they’ve given her a mix of ethnic and western wear and the fancy clothes she wears are really pretty (so far) and I hope it stays this way

I am a complete slut for mannat scenes and this one was very pure

Why can’t these people say Saraswati, it isn’t that hard

Also it’s 2020, surely it’s time we understand just because a woman is pregnant doesn’t mean she’s disabled and needs to be carried everywhere

Also, Naveli (Anjali2.0 and Neil’s cousin) is superrr suss

SHE TAPED HIS FACE OMG IM MORE IMPRESSED BY HER BY EVERY MINUTE

And she’s given him meds to give to the people he interacts with coz he causes them headaches (and he’s held onto it the whole time coz Pehle Pyaar Ka Pehla Tohfa) 

Awww our OTP has ‘Bhags stamp of approval’ 

They’ve also touched her feet how cute

Episode 6

So Ghazala has ruined Chahat’s mum’s sharara and like this is what I mean they’ve written her horribly, like why would someone go out of their way to hurt a kid like that - her mother’s dead what more does she want

And daddy dearest has another pooja to attend so he’s said no to attending his daughter’s baby shower, something Neil is now salty about

For a doctor, Chahat’s dad is quite daft 

And for a pandit, Neil’s dad is quite mean

Nice touch by Ghazala by turning this whole thing on Chahat, and thankfully her dad believes her

Episode 7

So this Kamini wannabe of a mami has said that Saraswati’s baby is najayaz, and at this point I really have got to ask - how the fuck did she jump to that conclusion?????

Apparently coz she was barren for 8 years, so how can she be pregnant now, so something must be up 

The logic fails me here, IF SHE WAS BARREN/WAS UNABLE TO GET PREGNANT, HOW TF IS THE CHILD ILLEGITIMATE???

OMFLLLLLL SHE’S SAYING THAT COZ THE CHILD WAS CONCEIVED FROM IVF, THAT’S WHY IT’S ILLEGITIMATE 

I CANNOT

I’M SO CLOSE TO QUITTING 

DO THESE DUMBASS PEOPLE NOT REALISE THAT AN IVF BABY IS ALSO A BLESSING IN ITSELF, IT’S NOT 100% GUARANTEED TO GET YOU PREGNANT EITHER BUT IT HELPS 

By this logic they shouldn’t use annnnyyyy modern technology 

I understand Neil now, and why he’s so done with this bullshit

YAAASSS NEIL, GO FUCK THEM UP 

Look Chahat, I love you and all, but like listen to Neil when it comes to his crazy psychotic family

Also do not tell me like the Oberoi family, this whole family cannot have 1 smooth sailing function/party 

We love a sibling duo that had to raise each other because their parents were dead/useless 

I’m so fucking done, now not only does your doctor have to be of the same religion, he/she has to be from the same caste 

YEH DOCTOR DHOOND RAHE HAI KE RISHTA 

Neil’s trying to talk some sense to these people, but as usual, he gets shut down for talking sense 

OMG HE’S COME OUT WITH FACCSSSS AND HAS GIVEN HIS DAD AN ULTIMATUM - His daughter or his dharm 

Also by saying that if he’s so for modern technologies in other areas, why is he against iVF 

Omg daddy pandit finally got some sense - this was an exhausting feat

Poor tacky Kamini, unlike the og, this one’s plans always fall short 

Neil, take Saraswati and just get the fuck out of here, this dumbass mami has come with a plan and is not going to rest until one of these kids gets disowned 

Episode 8

So Vyasji in a twisted turn of events has accepted Neil’s gf, as long as their kundlis meet 

Let’s be real their stars ain’t aligning in this life 

Chahat is talking to her mother through this windchime she made with her mother’s jhumke (I guess its a coping mechanisms) about how she’s gotten a cake ordered and needs to pick it up

The windchime has told her that she needs to learn how to cook to get married 

Basically even if your Indian mother is dead, her ghost will still taunt you on your inability to get married even when you are a doctor 

She has decided she will marry a chef so that she doesnt need to learn how to cook 

The foreshadowing, the cluelessness

Omg Neil’s dad writes with ink and a peacock feather (why did I think this man would write with a pen like a normal person)

He’s literally whipped out a chart and started making Neil’s (ex)gf’s kundli RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS DAUGHTER’S BABY SHOWER BECAUSE #priorities 

Anjali2.0 is literally sitting there praying as if Vyasji is sitting there calculating her Year 12 results and not a kundli

And we’ve got an “asambhav”, but we all knew that - Neil’s literally smirking coz he knew no matter what, the stars won’t align 

Omlll he’s inherited the whole “I write my own destiny” from Arnav 

“Main uss ladko ko kabhi nahi apnaunga” “Toh kya faraq padta hai, main usse apna chuka hoon” Boisss I really like this dude 

I wish I had this confidence but alas, I do not

And Neil has decided to leave the chat, go to Delhi and get married there, while giving everyone a fuck you (except his sister ofcourse)

Little does he know he isn’t even gonna make it to the bloody bus stand before he ends back here 

Anjali2.0 is begging her dad to stop him, but he’s talking about the stars and shit 

And right on cue Chahat and Neil are walking on the same bridge, none of them paying attention, they crash and just like that, the cake has fallen into the deep sea, adding to the pollution 

OMGG THIS MAN TOLD HER HOW ALL DADS ARE USELESS AND SHE GOES “oh hello, tumhe bohot saare childhood issues hai, lekin mere baba aise nahi hai ... woh mere liye taare bhi tod sakte hai” 

THIS IS WHY WE NEEDED A FEMALE LEAD IN THE MEDICAL FIELD - SHE UNDERSTOOD WITHIN 2-3 MEETINGS HOW FUCKED UP OUR DUDE IS 

and now he’s sarcastically congratulating her on her father because “aur ek mere baba hai jo hamesha taaron mein uljhe rehte hai, aur vaise tumhe tumhaare taare todne waale baba, bohot, bohot, bohot hi ziada mubarak” 

LOLLL SHE’S PULLING AND DRAGGING HIM TO GET HER THE SAME CAKE AND HE TRIED TO GIVE HER MONEY TO BUY A NEW ONE, AND SHE’S LIKE NOPE, THE BAKERY I GET THIS FROM IS CLOSED AND SO YOU WILL PROVIDE ME WITH A NEW CAKE 

Lolll I never knew he will be stuck here because of a cake 

AND NOW SHE’S TAKEN HIS BAG AS HOSTAGE AND HE’S LITERALLY SCREAMING THAT SHE’S LOST THE PLOT 

But personally, I feel she gained it 

Turns out the shop that she got the cake from, is his friend’s shop, and now he’s baking the cake himself because my man is also a pastry chef 

And he’s friend has left the chat because he doesnt want to get beaten up 

So it’s time for the kitchen romance.tm

Omg he told her he’s a chef and she’s so turned on 

OMGGGGGGG IM DEDDD 

But should’t she tie her hair #justsaying

Now back to the Neil’s crazy fam, where the only other person with sense, Anjali2.0 has also said to her dad, that Neil was always right about him 

Yesss gurlll, give it back to him

She’s telling him off how he forego his religious beliefs for her, but why can’t he do the same for Neil

I actually like her so much and the way she’s written

She’s also telling him how she tried to make sure that Neil never felt their mother’s absence (a responsibility she didn’t to take up), because her dad never let Neil feel loved 

OMG SIS SAID THAT BY BEING HEAD PRIEST, YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN YOUR DUTY AS A FATHER AND SHE DID NOT STUTTER 

Everyone is shook (including me)

I was not expecting her to give her father an ultimatum

So she said, that if he does not give Neil and Meera his blessing, he will see her dead 

OMGGG WHYYYAYFOIHFBEI THE ANXIETY 

Episode 9

We’ve begun with some cuteness regarding her rubbing flour all over face 

And like the idiot he is, he’s told her that her face is completely clean 

OMGGG HE’S GUIDING HER HANDS 

HOLY SHIT SISSS IS ALREADY IMAGINING HERSELF BEING MARRIED TO HIM 

Like same, but I also cannot 

Also I’m lolling at the fact she’s imagining their Nikaah, like his family won’t kill him for that

OMG THIS DICKHEAD HAS GIVEN THE CAKE HE MADE FOR HER DAD TO THE GAREEB CHILDREN LIKE SHE GAVE HIS SANGORIA TO THE GAREEB CHILDREN 

Awww I spoke too soon, she left the cake at the shop and he was just messing with her 

Guysss I really love their chemistry

He said that he won’t sit behind her, coz he doesn’t sit behind girls *rolls eyes*, but she’s not having it and reminded him that she beat him in a motorcycle race so he should suck it up

And they’ve had their first ‘accidental’ pressed up on each other fall 

A trope I do love with all my heart  

NOW HE’S COVERING HIS CHEST LIKE HIS IZZAT HAS BEEN LOOTED 

I’m hoping that Shyam1.5 isn’t as bad as his predecessors, but I do realise that is wishful thinking coz the couple scene where he talks to Saraswati was quite sweet

OMG THERE’S AN INTRUDER IN THEIR HOUSE AND I REALLY DON’T WANT SARASWATI TO GO CHECK, AND I’M FREAKING OUT 

She’s found Naveli’s earrings on the ground, Shyam1.5 and her are having an affair aren’t they

I FUCKING KNEW THAT NAVELI WAS SUSS AND SO WAS THIS HARAMKHOR SHYAM1.5 

I AM SO GROSSED OUT RN, WHAT IS SHE 10 YEARS OR MORE YOUNGER THAN HIM 

OMG HE’S ACTUALLY YUCK, LIKE SHYAM WAS YUCK BUT AT LEAST KHUSHI WASN’T HIS SAALI

AND WHAT TYPE OF COUSIN DOES THAT 

Saraswati please go fuck him up 

OMG OMG OMG YEH PADA THAPPAD!!!!!!! 

Well that’s another week done

[shadowfae]

Hi im pretty sure I'm kin but I have doubts and shit because I have multiple kintypes. How do you know you're kin?

Okay, I’m home, time to jump right in. So, we’re gonna do this in two parts like we did the first guide I did on this. Part one: What Is Otherkinity, What’s Related To It: A Crash Course To Terminology. This is gonna be so we’re clear from the getgo on things. Part two: A Few Methods That May or May Not Work To Figuring Shit Out. This is some of the ways I know - but your experience will be deeply personal and unique, so don’t worry if you don’t stick to any one method, and it’s not about following the method so much as it is finding the answers and being satisfied with what you know.

This guide, however, will not go over most community things, like history and culture. That requires [groaning noises] sourcing things, and I hate doing homework. That you can hunt down from folks who have been here much longer than me. It also isn’t a comprehensive guide on experiences, because trying to mention everything would quite possibly kill me and requires a lot more teamwork and surveys and interviews and chasing down books that are no longer in print. So yeah, don’t expect everything.

I could just link the first guide I made, but it’s good to make a new one a few years later. Under the readmore, but let’s go!

Part One: Otherkinity, Related Experiences, and A Quick Guide To Terminology.

Side note - this is not a comprehensive guide of the terminology, there’s far too many terms and I am literally writing this entirely off the top of my head. If I forget stuff, don’t @ me unless it’s a glaring issue. :p 

Otherkinity: An ontological experience in which a person identifies wholly or partially as a nonhuman or fictional entity, on a nonphysical, involuntary, and profound level. Every one of those words is important. It is not necessarily spiritual or psychological, though it can be. You ID as the thing, not with it. It is you. You are the thing. It can be nonhuman or fictional or both, but not neither because that just leaves humanity. Some identify partially, and some identify wholly as nunhuman/fictional. I don’t ID entirely as nonhuman, but I do identify wholly as fictional, for example. (I’ll get into that later). It’s nonphysical, you can’t physically shapeshift, obviously. It’s involuntary, you don’t choose it. This isn’t a roleplay, this is identity at its base. It can be changed, but not easily, and not really voluntarily. It is also profound. It is a part of you, it’s never going away, you aren’t exactly who you are without it.

Therianthrope: An ontological experience in which a person identifies wholly or partially as a nonhuman, physically real Earth-based animal, on a nonphysical, involuntary, and profound level. Otherkin, but for Earth animals, like dogs or dinosaurs or bugs. 

Fictionkin(d):An ontological experience in which a person identifies wholly or partially as a fictional entity, on a nonphysical, involuntary, and profound level. Often considered the other side of the Venn diagram to therianthropy. This is where you’re a fictional character or entity or member of a fictional species. Harry Potter or a Pikachu, it’s all fictionkin. 

Fictionkind is a bit of an older term, and there has been a push to use it more as ‘fictionkin’ has seen more use amongst those who think it’s a form of roleplay, trading cards, or who have figured out that they can misuse community terms into their purity cults in order to control others. As well, otherkind was one of our first terms, but you’ll rarely see it used. They both share an ending of -kin, which is not from ‘kin as in your blood family’ but -kind, as in mankind, elvenkind, so thus otherkind, fictionkind. It’s not a relating to, it’s a being of.

Theriomythic:An ontological experience in which a person identifies wholly or partially as a mythical nonhuman animal, on a nonphysical, involuntary, and profound level. This is for those of us who are unicorns, griffons, dragons, etc, all the nonhuman animals that do not physically exist but are not necessarily under what’s considered fiction. It’s one of the prettiest words we have, in my opinion. 

Phytanthrope: An ontological experience in which a person identifies wholly or partially as a plant-based lifeform, on a nonphysical, involuntary, and profound level. Otherkin, but you’re a plant. I’m including it here because it’s a very pretty-sounding word, and although not as common, certainly real and not something you might recognize. It’s completely interchangeable with ‘plantkin’, but it sounds cool, so.

Otherhearted: An ontological experience in which a person identifies wholly or partially with a nonhuman or fictional entity, on a nonphysical, involuntary, and profound level. Like otherkin, but you are not the thing, you ID with the thing. It is close to you, it is what you’d be if you weren’t what you are. The difference, to put it in layman’s terms, otherkin is #me and otherhearted is #god i wish that were me. But like, way more profound. Are you the thing, or is it just incredibly close to you? Both are a part of your identity, just slightly different. 

Synpath: Like otherhearted, and was made by someone who didn’t know the word for otherhearted. It caught on and the difference is mostly accepted as linguistic: if it’s a general noun it’s a hearttype, if it’s a proper noun and thus is a name or requires a capital, it’s a synpath. Tl;dr: you can be unicornhearted, but you’re a Harry Potter synpath.

Otherlink: An ontological experience in which a person identifies wholly or partially with a nonhuman or fictional entity, on a nonphysical and voluntary level. This one’s a little more recent. It is like a kintype, but it is voluntary, you can choose it, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a Big Thing like otherkinity. You will also see ‘copinglink’, which actually came first - that one’s an otherlink made to cope with something. (Both terms were made by @/who-is-page, aka a person you Need to be following if you’re gonna be on the tumblr community with us.) Otherlink and copinglink are incredibly handy terms, and when you need ‘em, you’re glad they’re there.

Shifting: An experience in which something ‘shifts’ in the mental or emotional shape to a different state of being, related to otherkinity and/or any related experiences. This one is such a common term, and hard to properly define without going into nuances. Mental shifts are when your mental state shifts to align better with a kintype, aura shifts are when your aura does that, shadow shifts are some sort of astral projection, astral shifts involve the astral realm, berserk shifts are extreme mental shifts that typically involve violence or loss of reason, etc, etc. Most of the time, if someone says they’re in an X shift, they mean mental shift. 

Multiplicity: An ontological experience in which a person is not alone in their body. Before someone @s me, I know it’s badly worded here. This is DID, OSDD-1, and endogenic systems, alongside a few other things. A kintype is you, a multiple is not you but also in your body. I won’t be going over this much as I am not multiple, but it’s good to know about. It’s not otherkinity, nor really related, but if you’re gonna learn about otherkinity, it helps to know about multiplicity. Also see soulbonding and tulpamancy.

Alterhumanity: An overarching community term for all those who do not feel completely, 100% human; or rather those who feel an altered version of humanity. Basically, someone got really tired of saying ‘otherkin, otherhearted, otherlinks, OSDD-1 and DID, endogenic systems, etc etc’ and made a term for everyone. It’s controversial on just who it defines as it also includes transhumanists (those who wish to physically become nonhuman, even if they ID as human) and many other things in a gray area, but as someone who’s gonna be typing otherkin, otherhearted, otherlinks, systems, etc etc a whole lot in this post? It’s handy. 

Phantom Limbs: An experience in which a brain maps out limbs that do not physically exist. This is originally a medical term, but it’s also incredibly useful. It refers to all limbs that don’t exist but you’re still pretty sure are there. Amputees experience this, and you know the rubber hand experiment where they hide your arm and trick your brain into thinking a plastic arm is your arm, and then hit the plastic arm and you feel pain? Yeah, phantom limbs. There’s also supernumerary phantom limbs, which is the Extra Bits like fangs and wings and horns and tails. Astral limbs, however, refer to the astral realm, and that’s a magic and spirit work thing, not an otherkin thing.

Paratype: An identity that is related to one’s alterhumanity but does not precisely adhere to any known definition. This was made by @/aestherians as a ‘fuck it you’re related and I don’t really know how but you’re worth mentioning’. It’s a ‘misc’ term, when you’re not sure if it’s a hearttype or something else but is important to your identity. It doesn’t always mean you’re questioning it, but it’s there. It’s new and does need to catch on, but it’s pretty handy.

ID: Short for ‘identity’ or ‘identify’. Occasionally used as shorthand. Be wary of someone who insists that an ID is ‘more you’ than a kintype. A kintype is an ID. So is a hearttype, or a linktype, or anything else. ‘ID’ is just an umbrella term that has been occasionally misused.

Kintype / Theriotype / Fictotype / Hearttype / Linktype: The noun versions of being otherkin, therianthrope, fictionkin, otherhearted, and otherlink/copinglink respectively. You are otherkin, you have a kintype, you are fictionkin, you have a fictotype, etc. If I catch you using ‘kins’ after this I will eat you.

Awakening / Questioning / Kinfirmation: A few terms to describe one’s journey through understanding their alterhumanity / otherkinity. Awakening is generally the moment you start feeling alterhuman or otherkin. For some of us, we’ve always been like this, for others, we just suddenly notice it. Questioning is whole journey from awakening to understanding and being sure of things. You’re never really done questioning, but when you’re happy with it, technically you’re done. Kinfirmation is a controversial term, sure. It’s otherkin + confirmation. Basically it means the opposite of awakening - the moment you’re sure, you’re done questioning, you’ve confirmed that this is a kintype. Awakening is how you start questioning, kinfirmation is how you finish. It’s controversial because it sounds stupid. But I like puns, so I’m keeping it. (You can slap ‘kin’ into any word and make it hilarious. That’s why I use a ‘kinformation’ tag. :p )

Banned / False Terms: kinning, kins, kinnies, etc - just don’t. Please, just don’t. This is how you make sure nobody takes you seriously and you get dismissed as a troll. ‘Kinning’ as a verb implies that otherkinity is a choice, which is prevalent and dangerous misinformation, and most of the community says burn it with fire - and for good reason. ‘Kins’ is just what people say when they don’t know the word ‘kintypes’, and implies you know very little about this. ‘Kinnies’ is a term made by antikin that’s quite controversial. On one hand, it’s hilarious to use to spit back at them, on the other hand it’s rude, on one foot like ‘kins’ it makes you look stupid, and on the other foot for a fair amount of folks it looks too much like ‘tr*nnies’ to give anything but a gut reaction of horror. (‘Kinnie’ is not a slur and does not hold the same societal weight, but as a gut reaction if you’ve had ‘tr*nny’ thrown at you, ‘kinnie’ isn’t going to make you feel all that great either.)

.

Part Two: A Few Methods That May or May Not Work To Questioning Kintypes and Related Alterhumanity.

So we’ve learned terms, and now there should be little confusion in what we’re talking about here. If you were expecting a step-by-step list, you will absolutely never get one, not from me or from anyone else.

Your journey through awakening, questioning, and ‘kinfirmation will be your own. It will be unique. You will never start in the same place as someone else, you will never finish in exactly the same way. The questions you ask will not be the questions I will ask. You do not need to justify it to me. You only need justify it to yourself. A second opinion always helps, sure, in case you missed something, but it’s not my job to tell you what you are. That’s yours.

So let’s take a look. At this point, one should hope you’ve awakened. It has occurred to you that you’re not quite human, you’re not quite what you physically are. You are aware that this is not a common experience. There are lots of things that could draw you to this. Homesickness is the big one. Memories, sometimes. Habits you shouldn’t have. Methods of thinking that don’t have a reason that makes sense. A feeling of belonging, of hiraeth. Your identity is not entirely your experiences in this life, this moment. Shifts are also a pretty big indicator. And so, so much more that I can’t possibly put a name to.

You know you’ve got Stuff going on here, but you don’t know what, it may be multiple things, it may be one thing. You said it may be multiple things, and fuck, it sure might be. It is for me, and lemme tell you, when those things like combining that makes it harder to sort them out. But you kind of have to, if you’re here and asking these questions.

You’re done questioning when you’re happy. You don’t need to know everything, and tbh you never will know everything. That’s okay. You just need to be happy with what you’re sure of. 

So you’re not entirely human, or you think you might be fictional. Shit happens. But you’ve got to figure out what you are, if you’re not that. For some of us, it’s obvious. For some, not so much. I’m the sort of ‘stare it in the face and not recognize it’ person, because I’m stupid, but that’s a way to do it. 

Your first step, of course, should be to take every sign you’ve got of this, every indicator that makes you think the craziest thing of all, ‘oh shit I’m not human’ / ‘oh shit I’m fictional’. Because kid, this isn’t a conclusion you immediately come to. Think about it, for a moment. If you’re actually here, with this conclusion in mind, there’s a reason you think that this is it. So gather all the reasons you’ve got, notice a few more and grab those too, and stick them in a box. Or write them down. Just put them somewhere and take a look at what you’ve got.

Now figure out if X habit here is related to Y homesickness of Z aesthetic, if that’s a Normal Human Thing or a Odd Alterhuman Thing. The lines will blur. You will have something that’s a Normal Human Thing, but in context is possibly an Odd Alterhuman Thing. Note that it’s both depending on perspective, and continue.

Try not to define stuff too much. Before you say you’ve got wings as supernumerary limbs - do you have wings, or just a weight on your back? Because those ‘wings’ might be wires, or a saddle, or gods know what else. Note that it’s a weight, check to see if it’s not a normal human thing medical issue, that you think it’s wings, what it feels like other than a weight, if it’s just there like clothes or if you can feel through it like your hands, and whatever else you’ve got.

You should probably figure out what you’re working with before you start putting it together. If you’re sorting by colour or by shape, essentially. Question things. Do you know it’s this because that’s just your first reaction, or do you know because that’s what it is and you’re not arguing the sky is blue? 

Do not, and I repeat, do not overkill it. Keep questioning to a quiet thing, if you must sit down and dedicate time, do not do more than an hour or two. Brains do confirmation bias. You’ll see shit that isn’t there, or make things up to fit the puzzle you think you just solved. When you do sit down to question, write down exactly how you got from point A to point D. Take some time away after, and revisit it, see if point C still holds up on its own.

Try not to question too little and assume things, try not to question too much and make yourself full of doubt. Some things just are, okay? You don’t have to convince yourself it’s not That, that you aren’t sure, that it can’t possibly be. Sometimes it’s just like That, and that’s okay. It’s all right to accept the impossible. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t, you’d be dismissing me. Don’t take things at face value, but sometimes, what they are inside is exactly what it says on the tin.

This is going to be long, and great at times, and sucky at times, and downright confusing. If you turn to divination like tarot and pendulums, ensure they work before using them on this, and like all things, take with a grain of salt. Tarot that someone else does on you? Yeah, okay, it’ll work. Asking someone on the internet to use a pendulum for you? No. Do not. That is not going to give you a good answer on anything.

If you can do it for a different part of your identity, you can do it for this - as a decent rule of thumb. 

You may want to ask why you’re like this, if it’s spiritual or psychological or how it happened. Key word may. A lot of us do ask why, and sometimes find answers, but if you’re “Idk, I’m just an elf, don’t ask me,” then that is also completely fine! So long as you’re happy with that answer. 

Multiple kintypes can make questioning an utter nightmare. Tackle them one at a time, use elimination methods, check if X is a symptom of Y kintype or Z hearttype or gods know what else. Don’t be afraid to admit you don’t effin’ know, and deal with it later. You won’t get this overnight. You’ll be questioning for at least a month. Anything less and ehhh, you sure, buddy? You might be right, but under a month and you might’ve missed something critical - it just isn’t enough time to be absolutely sure. Like marrying someone, this takes time to understand and learn. Bad example, but it works.

You may be questioning for years. Happens to the best of us. My friend Gryph spent five years asking ‘is this a hearttype or a kintype’ and was only sure after I used the ‘#god i wish that were me versus #me’ comparison and it made enough sense that they figured it out on the spot. That was like, three years ago. It was actually kind of funny considering Gryph was like, twice my age at the time. 

Point is, this takes time, sometimes you just know, sometimes you really don’t. It’s weird, it’s unique, it’s personal, it’s an adventure and if you’re here you’ll probably be glad to go through it. Some of us are actually not happy with being otherkin, and would trade it away if they could. This is also normal. Not as well-spoken about, for obvious reasons, but it happens.

The key is introspection. It’s not divination, it’s not what someone else says - though that can help. It’s introspection. It’s about you, it’s what you are. It’s what’s right, what is true to your story. It’s a truth of the world, something you understand a split second before it defines itself, something that really just doesn’t give itself easily over to words.

There’s no step by step guide to otherkinity, to alterhumanity. Nobody could make one. But if you’re sure that this rings true, that this is the key to a part of you, then to you I say only two things.

Welcome to our subculture. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Luteia 💚

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[tits-tats-and-pussycats]

Odds!

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Uhmm.. I think it was my best friend? Honestly its been a hot minute since I’ve held hands with anyone. 

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

There is someone I really want to see, but I’m not jinxing myself with saying it out loud. So I’ll just say that I am looking forward to seeing my friends again,

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I’m not sure, probably. 

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

I mean who knows what is going to happen, I am just taking life as it comes at this point. 

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Lmao no.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

Plague Doctor? lmao my best friend asked for suggestions on what to draw.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

I LOVE when people play with my hair. 

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Well summer 2019 was spent working and going to school. And summer 2020 is closed because of a pandemic..soo....

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

I think that we can't be the only intelligent life out there. 

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes, bubbles, music, some nice wine and a good book

21. What are your bad habits?

Depends on your outlook on a bad habit. I don’t always speak to myself nicely, when I am super stressed or drunk I occasionally have a cigarette. 

23. Do you have trust issues?

I do. 

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

I hate this question, so I will tell you something I like about myself. I like the color of my eyes and the freckles on my shoulders.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Darker, I’m basically a vampire. 

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

I think that this is a question that is better left between me and that person. 

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tell? 

Yes it is, I am thinking about cutting it really short though.. But I’m slightly terrified to do what I want to it.

33. Spell your name with your chin

marksss lmao well I guess I have a new name.

35. Would you rather live without tv or music?

Uhm.. I’d have to say tv. I can live without watching something as long as I have something in the background while I am doing things.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Lol if we are being honest I usually don’t say anything because I am feeling to awkward and shy to do so. Or I’ll just go “welllll......” 🤷🏼‍♀️

39. What are you favorite stores to shop in?

Columbia, 5.11, amazon, idk I don’t really shop 

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? 

Yes I do and I have given a lot of second chances.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yes I do, I try to smile at everyone that I can.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? 

Well my dog because he wants fed. But also the fact that I have a job that I actually like for once. I get out of bed for my friends. And I get out of bed for myself. 

47. Have you ever been high?

Yeah I have and it was the worst experience of my life. It’s not something for me. 

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

No I haven't, I haven’t had much of a life to be able to do so. 

51. Ever wished you were someone else? 

I used to wish that all the time, but now that I actually like myself I am happy with being me. 

53. Favorite makeup brand?

I don’t have one

55. Favorite blog? 

@coopuah 

57. Favorite food?

Itallian, Mexican, Thai, anything my best friend makes

59. First thing you the this morning?

Some water. I didn’t eat until this afternoon when I had a sandwich. 

61. Been suspended\expelled? For what?

No I haven’t. Was that “goody” student 

63. Ever been in love?

I have indeed been in love.

65. Are you hungry right now?

No I am not, I am more exhausted than anything. 

67. Facebook or twitter?

I don’t really care honestly, I’ll scroll on both because im bored but I don’t prefer one over the other. 

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Yes I am, Killing Eve. If you haven’t watched this yet I highly recommend it!

71. Craving something? What?

Yeah more like someone. But I guess something salty would be nice too.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

I have a husky named Balto that lays at the head of my bed while I sleep. I have to have something on my bed with me now because my bed is empty without my cat that I had to put down 3 months ago. 

75. Favorite animal?

Wolf.

77. Chocolate or vanilla?

Chocolate for ice cream. Vanilla for general flavoring in like coffees and stuff. 

79. What color shirt are you wearing? 

Not wearing one currently

81. Favorite tv show?

I have way to many honestly. Friends, Killing Eve, Grey’s Anatomy, Gilmore Girls, The chilling adventures of Sabrina, The 100. And probably a million more.

83. Mean girls or mean girls 2

Mean girls

85. Favorite character from mean girls? 

Janis Ian

87. First person you talked to today?

 A person who came back into my life.

89. Name a person you hate?

My father

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Yeah every single person who still thinks its okay to hangout and have parties together, go to the store for non-essential shit, and overall think that this entire pandemic is a joke. Stay the fuck home y'all it’s not that hard. Go out if you need to, but do it alone, go for a drive alone, go for a walk alone. The key word is ALONE. I’m not trying to be quarantined for a year and also have to wear a mask 24/7 at work because people are fucking stupid. Yeah I work in the medical field but I’m sick and tired of the dumbasses. Stay home before everything is cancelled for longer than a month. For fucks sake. End rant. 

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

2-I know I’m a horrible lesbian. Aren't we supposed to have like 20?

95. Last movie you watched?

Princess Diaries 

97. Favorite actor? 

I don’t really have a favorite actor, I’m more of an actress person lmao. But I guess I really like Robert Downey Jr. 

99. Have any pets?

Yes I currently have a border collie named Rocky. He is my entire world. I used to have a cat named Abby but I recently had to put her down. 

101. Do you type fast?

About 70-80 words a minute, I guess that's fast?

103. Can you spell well?

Yeah not at all.. 

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? 

Yeah but it was back in the day when I went to church before satan granted me with lesbianism. 

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yes I have I think I was 10? I would like to go horse back riding again though

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Yeah there is actually, but it’s something I can't talk about because it really shouldn’t be irritating me or bothering me. 

111. Do you have trust issues?

Pretty sure this question was already answered. 

113. What was your childhood nickname?

My family calls me bug. 

115. Do you play the WII?

Nope because I don’t have one

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Not unless it’s homemade 

119. Favorite book?

Harry Potter

121. Are you mean?

I mean I definitely can be but I try not to be.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Lmao no, I can barely keep white clothes clean.

125. Do you believe in true love?

I do wholeheartedly 

127. What makes you happy?

My dog, my family, my best friends, iced coffee, rainy days, being in the forest, being at the beach, cuddling movie nights, etc.

129. Whats your zodiac sign?

I am a capricorn

131. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Tell him that I am flattered but he knows I am a lesbian and that it will not work. 

133. Favorite lyrics right now? 

I don't really have any specific lyrics that I like at the moment, But I highly love the songs shotgun by George Ezra, honeypie by Johny Utah, anything by Billie Eilish, 

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

“I’m straight”

137. How tall are you?

5′3

139. Brunette or blonde?

Like am I brunette or blonde? or which one do I like the most? My natural hair color is blonde, I don’t really have a preference on the hair color for the person I am attracted to, I guess you could say dirty blonde or strawberry blonde to meet in the middle? 

141. Night or day? 

Both, it depends on the situation and what is being done. I honestly kind of like the in-between times like dusk and dawn. 

143. Are you a vegetarian?

No I am not, I tried to do it for awhile and I couldn't.

145. Tea or coffee? 

Depends on the situation and time of day. I would rather have coffee in the morning and tea at night usually. 

147. Mars or snickers?

Neither

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes I do. 

Honestly unholy shit, this was the longest thing I have ever had to do lol. 

[daisyxbuckley]

OKAY So, after being told to post this story I am. I have been OBSESSED with an OC that is  set in The 100 timeline, so I decided to write about it. I will be doing Y/N dabbles but this is something thats been running through my head so here is its. 

It’s going to be a series but PLEASE give me feedback, reblog, all that stuff. 

A/N: This is about Marcus Kane’s daughter. In this his wife is still alive and such, and she ends up being floated after taking all the blame for stealing medication and other rations for sick kids. Calliope was with her and 19 at the time. But instead of floating her, Marcus convinced Jaha to send her down with the other kids. 

Word Count: 2k+ Warnings: None as of right now  Pairings: BellamyxOC (little fluff but not a lot)

-----------------------------------

Prologue PT 1 

2 years before going to earth

The pounding sound was what woke her first. A pale, slender arm covered the eyes of Calliope Kane as she sighed trying to wake up. As the fog cleared and she started to become more coherent, the redhead heard the knocking on her door more distinctly. 

“Calliope, you need to get up and come eat. You have class.” Amara Kane said, knocking on her daughters door. “Quickly because i don’t want to hear you complain that you’re hungry again.” Callie knew her mother was waiting for an answer so she sighed and swung her legs out of bed. 

“I’ll be out in a second.” She yelled back as she threw her hair up in a ponytail. Walking over to the chair at her desk she looked down at her legs before putting them on. Rolling her eyes, Callie noticed the dark bruise blossoming against her cream colored skin. It must of come from her sparring session the day before. Her father wanted her to keep up her self defense classes by practicing with the guard cadets. Unfortunately that resulted in her getting bruises and the occasional face shot. But it also resulted in them getting their ass kicked for underestimating her. Smiling to herself, the red headed teen threw a tank top on and put a jacket over that before heading out of her room. 

Walking over to her mom, Callie gave her a kiss on the cheek and started eating what was in front of her. Amara leaned against the counter and smiled at her daughter while fixing her own brilliant red hair. Callie May look like her father but she had her mother’s hair and eyes. Watching as the girl got up, she handed her daughter her bag and brought her in for a hug. 

“I love you. Remember your father wants you to meet him later today okay?” Callie nodded as she made sure she had everything and started to head out the door. “Roger that mama. I’ll see you tonight, i love you too” she said stepping out into the hallway. 

The Kane’s lived in the nicer part of the Ark due to her father's position. Though she would be considered privileged, Callie tried to not be that way. She hated the clear divide that separated people and tried her best to not let that interfere with anything. Grabbing her book out of her bag, the redhead didn’t realize that someone had come up behind her till she felt her ponytail get yanked gently. Spinning around she came face to face with the brown eyes and olive, tan skin of Bellamy Blake. Shooting her a grin that made a small blush creep under the freckles on her face, Callie laughed when she realized who it was 

“What Blake, didn’t get enough of me when i kicked your ass sparing yesterday?” She asked as she continued walking. Bellamy was someone that didn’t treat her like glass due to her father. He was someone that actually put up a fair fight and he was that someone that gave her the bruise on her leg. “Come on cadet, I thought you would be tired of telling your friends that a girl bested you.”

The smile he gave her made Callie turn away. That damn dopey grin twisted her stomach into knots and made her want to trace the outline of his face. “Cal, I distinctly remember me going easy on you. It wouldn’t look right if i fought a girl.” The dark haired boy said. He focused on the way her tongue traced her lips as she turned back to him and laughed. Her red hair was able to shine bright under the harsh fluorescent lights and unlike everyone else that looked washed out, she managed to glow. Slowly shaking his head he smiled slightly at her laugh. He had dreams about that laugh since he met her two months ago.

 “Whatever you have to tell yourself at night Blake.” Callie said smiling at the nickname. Everyone called you Calliope or Callie. Bellamy started shortening it when you started hanging out and thigh she hated people calling her it, she didn’t mind when it rolled off his lips. Realizing he had stepped closer to her Callie’s heart started beating so fast that she thought it would jump out of his chest. Damn he smells good. She thought to herself as she slowly trailed her eyes up to his. “How about we have a rematch today? Then we can see whose the best.” He said quietly running the back of his hand up her arm. Callie’s breath caught as she noticed his smile widened. 

“Calliope there you are.” Marcus Kane’s voice boomed through the quiet hallway making the two jump apart. “Dad, hey!” Callie said turning to him, hoping the blush that was appearing on her face wasn’t too noticeable. Marcus stares at the kids and noticed that even though his daughter was beaming up at him, the Blake boy continued to look only at her.  “I wanted to speak with you before class today. I think we need to cut back on the training. Your mother noticed some big bruises on your legs this morning and was worried.” Callie rolled her eyes and sighed. 

“It’s not that big of a deal. It’s bound to happen, besides Blake over here needed to have some hits in.” She said laughing as she pushed slightly on his shoulder. Noticing the look of worry on Bellamy’s face she laughed. “Chill out pretty boy. It doesn’t hurt that much.” Walking away from him, she winked. “I’ll see you later tonight for a rematch.” 

Going over to her father, Callie stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “I’ll see you after class dad. Love you.” She said happily as she walked down the hallway. What she didn’t notice was the pair of eyes that followed her till she turned the corner. 

“Cadet Blake. I don’t think I need to remind you about the relationship you should be having with my daughter.” Marcus said focusing on the boy in front of him. Clearing his throat, Bellamy ran a hand through his hair. “Uh yes sir. Cal and i are just friends.” Nodding Marcus started going down the hallway before turning around with a small smile on his lips. “Try not to take it too easy on her in training. Just lay off the bruises for her mother’s sake.” 

Bellamy nodded at the retreating figure and started walking his own way. The entire time his mind was on the red headed wild girl that made him smile. 

--------------------

Calliope stood in the locker room changing into her work out clothes. It had been a long day and it turned into an even longer one after the meeting she had with her dad. Closing her eyes Callie rubbed her forehead as she remembered the talk with im. 

“Calliope, you turn 18 in seven months. You NEED to figure out what you want to do.” Marcus said looking at his daughter. Sitting in his chair with her hair falling in her face, he marveled at how grown she already looked. How did his small, little girl become a woman over night. When she raised her green eyes to his brown, he sighed. That defiance that was showing he knew well. Too well sometimes. “You mean you want me to decide to follow you with the council.” She said, her eyes narrowing as she looked back down at her book. “I’ll figure it out dad, when I know you will know.” She said finally looking back up to him. 

Callie knew her dad wanted her to follow in his footsteps. Become the next Kane on the council, but the redhead knew that she never wanted to go down that path. Going down that path meant she had to follow the rules, and she honestly thought the rules were bullshit. Throwing a baggy tank top over her sports bra, the girl pulled her hair up into a braid and started wrapping her hands. Heading out to the practice room for sparring she noticed that only a few cadets were there today. Shrugging she went over to the punching bag and started. 

She had been zoned out for about five minutes before she heard her name. “Kane, Kane….Calliope!” She finally stopped and turned towards the voice. Noticing LT Shumway standing next to her, she stopped. “Hey! Sorry, I guess I was zoning out.” She said flashing him a smile. Chuckling, he shook his head as he looked at her. “No harm no foul. Just wanted to let you know that a lot of the cadets are out today due to some other issues. So you may be on your own today.” Nodding, Callie shrugged. “Not a big deal.” She said “Thank you for telling me.” Callie watched him walk away before she went back to what she was doing. 

After about 30 minutes she decided to go and shower and head back to her room. Walking down the hallway, she noticed she had about 45 minutes till she had to be back before curfew and decided to take her time. Standing in front of a window, she looked out at the vast emptiness that expanded in front of her. Seeing earth, she wondered what it would be like to finally be back down on the ground. To be able to live and be free, instead of suffocating to death up in space. Feeling hands on her shoulders, Callie tensed up and quickly shoved whoever it was against the window. Her forearm located against their neck. Hearing the chuckle, she released and let her arm fall at her side as she stared into the eyes that made her stomach do back flips. Raising her lips in a grin, she kept her hand resting on his arm. “Sorry about that. You know you can’t just sneak up on me like that.”

Bellamy tried to ignore the heat that rushed through is body when she pinned him against the window. He tried to ignore the way her body was still pressed to his when she let go and how her touch sent his mind into a frenzy. “My bad Red. I promise I will make myself known next time. “ He said laughing a bit. Callie had finally realized how close she was to him and  stepped back. The dark haired boy tried to hide his disappointment. “How about I walk you back to your quarters. Don’t want you getting in trouble because of me.” All Callie could do was nod as they started walking that way. 

“I didn’t see you at the training area today.” Green eyes flicked over to catch the dark brown ones that she was starting to fall for. “I thought you owed me a rematch.” Callie said flashing a smile. Bell nodded and ran a hand through hair. “Yeah, I had to do some other training and shadowing, next time though. I promise.” It was a promise he intended to keep. Any way to get the feeling of her hands on his body, or her underneath him was something that he wanted to accomplish. A lot of people thought that Callie was little miss perfect. Perfect life...perfect family...perfect everything. Truth be told, he thought the same thing. Till he got to know her and everything changed. Now he can't imagine not being able to talk to the girl, even if it's just passing her in the hall and saying hi. 

“Well i’m here. Thanks Bell for walking me back. I should probably get inside before my mom has a fit.” She said. As if on cue  the door slid open and low and behold her mother was standing there with a small smile on her face. “Calliope, it’s almost curfew.” She said with knowing eyes. “Yeah mom, hence me being here ten minutes before.” The redhead said with a small smile. Looking at Bellamy, she squeezed his arm before stepping inside. “I’ll see you tomorrow for that rematch okay?” Callie smiled and the door shut. 

“It’s a date.” The dark hair boy said chuckling as he walked back down the hall.