#like if i knew the man irl i COULD
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guys call me crazy but i think if i really really really really tried i could pull woonhak
#yuya brainrot ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁#YEAH I AM VRAXT#stop bc let me live#him in that elle photoshoot a while ago made me start tweaking#honestly IF I TRIED HARD ENOUGH I COULD#A SMALL PART OF ME BELIEVES SO.#LIKE I COULD FR IF I PUT SOME EFFORT INTO LOOKING GOOD#let me be delusional PLEASE#ok but no.#i could if i really wanted to#like if i knew the man irl i COULD#if i TRIED#like we’re basically the same age so he’s js another guy so he’s legit like js my classmate and i could frl js date him if i wanted to#this is me coping bc i actually have zero game it’s embarrassing#i cant even ask out cute guys irl i don’t have the balls to ask out kim woonhak#OK BUT#IF IT WAS WOONHAK MAYBE I COULD GROW THE BALLS TO DO SO#guys i might just be tweaking WHO KNOWS.#let me have a little bit of happiness in my life#woonhak wants me trust 😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
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you guys aren't gonna believe who I've ended up F/O-ing after I started Arcane today while I recover.
#x. talk#I mean. imo it could be a tiny bit easy to guess given my types are rather. motions to my f/o list. a bit consistent#there's actually 2 of them. one much stronger than the other but they both have me in a headlock rn </33#I actually have sadly irl been way longer into League than even before Arcane was pitched :'') I'm Ahri irl woooo#It took me so long to start it because I have personal hangups abt getting into things with really big fandoms but I needed a distraction#it's so good...I knew from many people telling me to expect good stuff but Man...#I'm on the fence abt putting them in my carrd both because I'm still in a good bit of pain rn and I feel oddly territorial already over one#I have too much love in my stupid body but have so many issues with it irl that I collect fictional lovers like cards
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Hooray... it's 7 in the morning and I stayed up all night listening to the imperium... I feel so happy and satisfied with my life choices...
I am feeling very much not cowabunga, dude
[SEVERE rambling in tags]
#ouww it hurts!! it hurts!!! this is the stuff you're supposed to leave for angst fic writers not make canon in an alt universe?? ERIK PLEASE#i hate the whole entire world right now. genuinely cannot speak to anyone normally for the next 3-4 business days.#I have no one irl to rant to about this FUCK im stranded. im quarantined. im being held against my will free meee#The irl friend i have who knows anything at all about redacted only knows freelancer s1 i cannot drop this bigass plot on them#Genuinely i might start going mad out of repression. Erik writing “hope you enjoy” in the desc as if that wasnt the most painfully torturou#experience I've ever had in my life. The fucking inevitability. I knew Echo was going to pull some shit. IM JUST GLAD VIN AND FL ARE OK#they were NOT the turning point just let them live their cabin in the woods fantasy for however long they can okay...#Also I kinda love imp!vega. not the biggest fan of prime bc of the whole child beating situation but i sure loved this guy.#really knew what he was talking about when it came to revolutions and stuff. Like he's good. no disrespect to avior but vega did good#and he was so gentle with his partner which i find more appealing than torture but that's just me. that's just me i get it#And uh. speaking of that. Imp!sam. Yeah i get why some of yall are goin wild over him and i wish i could say i shared the sentiment but hes#too scary im weak like that. when i know a bastard would simply kill me without a care im just not into that yknow? or maybe you dont#Glad we got twisted gay damihux at the end though MUAHAJAJA that's one of the only redeeming lights that kept me alive#FUCKKKK SHIT FU K SJIT DAM ASHERS ENTIRE SCENE WITH BRACJIUM GOD HELP ME. ID DIE FOR THAT MAN#he's so fucking sad!!! he just wants his husband back!!! HE WANTS HIS FAMILY BACK!!!!!!#No even I don't understand how it's possible to get this attached to characters. I don't know. Im in deep shit.#Is this the end for me? Is my life over? These are the questions I have today. I probably just need to sleep because again#it's 7:30 in the morning. but regardless. These characters mean so much to me and this silly anthology has pulled emotions out of#me that i am terrified of feeling [survivors guilt hits me right in the fucking heart] and im scared. of what? don't know#That little shit Echo was right about one thing. It may not be real but the emotional damage it caused me is real. AND IRREPARABLE#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redacted imperium#redacted imp!asher#redacted echo#redacted imp!vega#redacted imp!sam#redacted vindemiator#tired of tagging. hitting the pillow. good night.
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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.
#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it#asmr#audio roleplay#rp audio stuff#redacted audio#anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud#and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators#but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it#which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium#like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform#and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication#and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements#like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh#tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that#and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno#i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it#bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it#this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable#but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself#feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything#who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl#anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now#actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon#u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.
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Do you ever think about how if a person got into a series/fandom after peak popularity they totally missed out? Not in a bad way, I just think getting to experience and participate in the explosion of a fandom is a totally fun and insane thing that might only happen to a person once. It's not just "a fandom" it's when the fandom of a series you totally love and resonate with happens.
#{domino talks}#this is 100% about haikyuu btw 😂#LOOK my life would definitely different if i hadn't gotten into hq just before s2#and i was at a con in a hq panel that was like 'shit all these people are totally younger than me'#and before i continue I AM NOT JUDGING OR CITICIZNG ANYONE I PROMISE#i could tell they all only watched the dub because they said 'date' tech like the english word whatever that's just how i could tell#and that's just what had me thinking about this#i have not watched watched the dub just heard some clips and just knowing the english language i personally feel like#watch the dub if that's your thing! dub is not bad! i probably would have watched this dubbed if it had existed back then tbh#BUT i think you wpuld probably miss out on the full spectrum of emotion because the english language is really... more bland#than so many languages actually it kinda sucks#and more than that the fandom explosion was before the dub released (i think) like no one talked about the dub#i only knew it had been announced (・_・;)#uhhh so anyway feel free to ignore the nostalgic old man (• ▽ •;)#i just don't think i will personally experience that again and *haikyuu* is hard to beat in it's irl effects
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i posted that stupid shit on my instagram i might just kill myself fr
now im afraid i wont sleep for another 24 hours damn 😭😭
#took me like 50 hours but we did it 🔫😼#i might still delete jt#the anxiety is no joke#like no joke#ahahs7bsudbdus#im so tired man#so like fuck me.but i cant justify killing myseld before trying. after that i can. somehow. Im tired and i want nothing more than that but#maybe i just want to stop the pain. nevertheless#i hope someone anyone who sees. that even if im being too open or too vulnerable online i hope it inspires someone a little bit to do the#same. i hope the reactions wont be too harsh. just dont ask me abt it irl cuz ill cry.#fuck mental illness and traumas man. acchan i hope it wasnt so suffocating for u. at least hopefully the people who loved u could make it#better.#tbh now my anxiety ia better cuz nobody is awake xddd#whatever its not that serious. only for me ig#sorry ppl the mental illness really said emphasis on the illness these past 2 days. i didnt think id live it so badly but here we are. well#i hope with this i managed to get something heavy off my chest. i hope i can continue for just a little longer#to see if it's worth it. i dont even wanna think abt tge fact imma have prom on sunday. why is that im always most suicidal when i have to#graduate? i skipped elementary graduation cuz of it. im not skipping this one but im not participating in the dance cuz i knew id somehow b#at a bad place and i wouldnt have a partner also. hmm whatever. i should sleep now maybe. i feel good now a bit. really have to sigh get my#shit together now.#not sunday friday the 50 hours no sleep getting to me
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read the scratch upd8. little too close to home
#tw vent#in tags at least#when i was reading hs like 3 ish years ago i related a lot to vriska and terezi cause i was in what i think was a really destructive#friendship qpp thing with my best friend online and a boy who liked both of us but mostly her.i was incredibly isolated irl as was my friend#and all my other online friends. i really should have seen that something bad could happen but i didnt and i got into a really deep#depression for like 3 months after but. my dearest friend girl decided to start befriending a 30 yo man and i. like an idiot. followed her#like a lovesick puppy even though all the warning bells were going off. we were in a gc with him that we texted in at all times of the day &#night and we shared selfies and dreams and our daily problems with isolation or hw or whatever. he got more and more creepy and my dearest#friend lashed out at him because she was scared while i sort of stopped talking as much because i was scared but. he still talked to me lots#in dms. he talked shit about the authority figures in our lives and isolated us from our ither online friends he made creepy picrews of me &#my friend getting married and he talked about moving in with us one day. we blocked him but sometimes he still tries to contact me. after it#blew up my friend left me and discord which is probably best and after my depression time i eventually got an irl friend or two but. i never#got over it. he did it to other people too we found out later. he always complimented me on being so sharp and talented and it was nice caus#it was really my first compliment from an adult who wasnt my family and. ig it got to my 14 yo head. anyways. the update made me cry. i had#read that it was bad and knew it would be bad for me specifically cause doc scratch always reminds me of that time in my life but. i didnt#think it would be that bad. i dont blame hs2 creators or anyone else and ig im glad i braved the storm but it was really painful to read#gonna go watch a more light hearted thing now.#if anyone sees this dw ill get over it#anyways. believe the warnings this update is very triggering and you can skip it if you want#glad i have like 5 followers rip
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“JUST SOME GUY TO ME” ugh queen gojo would be obsessed with u i wish i could be so chill about him but he is just so cool and sad and i need him
:((( i also feel (know) that he would hate my guts because i’m just as obnoxious and annoying as his ass (my phone is fucked so i can’t use emojis but imagine i put the crying emoji) i would also 100% worship the ground he walks on he’d kick me to the curb embarrassingly enough
no you two would be that (lovingly) embarrassing couple that are so in love and obsessed with each other that everyone in the vicinity clears out to give you guys space. also in case you have not noticed gojo feeds off of attention. he craves it. he is lovesick and a fool. the two of you would be That couple that cannot stay away from each other. YK.
#like gojo genuinely craves your attention you could look at him and he'd sidle up next to you and play with your hair or take your hand etc#please even the thought of being with gojo is so.....i could never 💀💀💀💀💀 i could care less about that man im tryna get to HIS bf#i think i could pull geto but also i hate fake men#geto is smiling at you and then shit talking you to gojo in the next second he can not be trusted#my tastes in fictional men are so drastically different to my irl tastes like if i knew geto irl i would probably hate him 💀#all of you could pull your favs period#.jjk ask
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take a shot every time i make a new draft for yet another art post about azuma
#🌙#listen i keep putting them in styles i like to wear#which gives me irl outfit inspo#which i then immediately draw azu in#its a vicious cycle man#but i cant put em all in one post cuz the styles are different and my brain says No#this is exactly what happened with naru and ienzo#i just couldn't stop dressing em up and before i knew it all i could draw was my favorite little guy ( gn ) in cute little outfits#sigh
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sometimes seeing pictures/watching transmasc / butch related media fills my chest with warmth and feel this sense of connection and happiness but sometimes it just makes me sad and wish i could cut my boobs off unfortunately
#butch#personal#i just wish i knew someone butch or trans irl so badly sometimess like. i don't know#I know there's probably a lgbt community i could join but i don't rly have time atm... just feels like i'm alone sometimes#(this was brought on by listening to mulan reflection a lot and watching a she's the man review video and then lurking on tumblr tags of al#things#and I wish I looked different#(am not transmasc I just feel a kinship to transmasc experience)
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ive set a monday alarm to go to the doctor because im so fucking depressed i cant imagine anything worthwhile about tomorrow so. wish me luck babes im gonna try really hard to go at all, for a referral to a new psyche+maybe therapist i desperately need meds
#every once in a while i think. what the fuck is wrong with me why cant i just. live like others do#and its like. ohhh ive been unmedicated for goin on 4 years now an that directly corresponds to how little ive been able to do in that time#unmedicated depression+anxiety + untreated agoraphobia is quite literally killing me#sorry to be so depressing on here but i just. dont want any of my friends to wonder where i am one day#im just trying to post stuff so i have to stick to going to the doctor#cause i wanna be okay n shit#no plans to go anywhere rn but im pretty passively suicidal#so ya im just. trying to be okay rn. really fucken hard#not a lot worth it rn. not very wanted around anyways. irl at least. sucks.#not to sound hopeless but ya im just tryin to have Some hope ig#ough. fuck man. its been a long time since ive been this bad off#it was comin and i knew it especially cold turkey off meds but. goddamn i really hoped i could get on meds b4 i got this bad#://////
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go watch this even if you dont like asmr youre gonna like this guy i promise cuz i dont like asmr and even if you dont like guys youre gonna like this guy cuz i dont like guys either you get it
youtube
lesbian APPROVED hes the most beautiful man ive ever seen full stop
#mypost#asmr#HIS MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i KNEW something was up when they animated miles morales laugh when he has his mask half up i was like HOW am i gonna#capture that mouth shape#as always im fixated on mouth+teeth combo#normal thing to be extremely interested in.#anyway this man has that shape. YOU BETTER BELIEVE IM USING HIM AS ART REF. BELIEVE IT#hes so gorgeoussss damn#ngl i dont like the flirting tone but id LOVE to tell him how beautifully sculpted his face his. bro let me speak to you no homo#hes so hottttttt hes got me wishing the asmr flirting wasnt bothering me mans got me wishing i could see him irl#yeeeeeesh#what a pretty boy WITH charisma to match hes deadly hes on dangerous levels of hotness ngl#this is an atomic weapon#Youtube
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I just saw a post that unironically just triggered a part of me that would defend Edward Cullen to the ends of the earth, and I didn't even know this intense fervor I have existed.
#like i wish ppl i knew irl liked twilight#so i could argue w them the reasons edward is so much fucking better than jacob black#or any other man in that fucking franchise#god#random ramblings#twilight
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unsurprisingly i am once again thinking about nikolai
#breaching the self shipping containment and saying i wish i knew someone like him irl#someone who makes life interesting. in a fun way#i don't mean the killing people but like the quizzes and the talking like he's a game show host and the unpredictability#but with a purpose like. like the post i made earlier it's bc life is just going through the motions. and this is breaking it#and i wish i knew someone who does that like at all#don't tell me to become that person. i barely have enough energy to get out of bed most days 😔#lmao seems like i need a manic pixie dream girl (gender neutral) huh. very lame of me tbh.#anyway i am emotional about this fictional man and wish he was real so i could hold him. what else is new.
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i wrote more in january of 2018 than in 2022 (thesis hell), 2023 (rsi onset hell) and 2024 (full rsi hell) by themselves. jsyk, this is why i will kill myself
#I HAVE TO POST IT I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT#ik it's not a fair comparison bc 2018 was a statistical outlier but like. you simply cannot argue with the numbers#when i say having irl friends ruined me. you can fucking SEE IT. i am not making that shit up#like thesis hell played its part ofc for sure for sure#but the fucking fact that i wrote more in /////2024////// where i could not move my fucking HANDS for most of it lol. lmao even#like yeah those 30k are real pathetic but once im done actually finishing all the snippets that are just a couple lines BC I COULDNT TYPE#i bet you it's breaking 50k if not 70k#i just want my heart back. ive been fighting so hard. i cannot stomach another second of this#i dont want to be here i dont want to talk i dont want to exist i dont wanna waste another second#until ive reclaimed who i was who i should be#nauseous with grief and anger. i will never forgive the people and systems involved in this#i will never forgive myself bc i KNEW BETTER i felt it happen i SAW IT HAPPEN i knew all along#and now i have to claw my fucking way back up thru the mud it's so humiliating to be a stranger in your own head#to know with such clarity the potential you had and pissed it down the drain for social clout that never made me happy to begin with#execute me. end me. i cannot bear to be alive with this shame rotting where my heart used to be#dont fucking read this dont acknowledge it dont talk to me about it i am so fucking broken and recovery fucking sucks ass#elia txts#rsi samsara#is not even my problem anymore im just a loser who's too stupid to recover like a real man
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youtube
Me when I have 1000 thoughts about The Character and several critiques but then I remember it's a kids show
#posts#this is a cedric the sorcerer post to me#because girl. ever since i rewatched In Cedric We Trust i am a changed man.#rewatching gave me new appreciation for this ep but now i cannot stop thinking about bro#that episode is cruel on the psyche#roland just acts like his s1 self and thinks he can be so slick with it#like dude. bro. i see u. like ok sure cedric took over the kingdom BUT I THOUGHT U PROMISED TO CUT HIM SOME SLACK????#INSTEAD YOU SIT THERE BLAMING HIM FOR A ROBBERY AND THEN HTJRJJRJDJJDNDNNSNSSN#like hes TRYING#i get that him holding the crown and roland poppin in were very much gonna give someone an idea but still WHAT#wormwoods betrayal hurts bc i knew it was happening the whole time. i knew it and i still sobbed#i love not consuming episodes normally anymore im just viscerally reacting to every scene at this point#i wish more of my irls would ask me abt bro bc i could pull up a PowerPoint presentation so fast
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