#nauseous with grief and anger. i will never forgive the people and systems involved in this
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i wrote more in january of 2018 than in 2022 (thesis hell), 2023 (rsi onset hell) and 2024 (full rsi hell) by themselves. jsyk, this is why i will kill myself
#I HAVE TO POST IT I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT#ik it's not a fair comparison bc 2018 was a statistical outlier but like. you simply cannot argue with the numbers#when i say having irl friends ruined me. you can fucking SEE IT. i am not making that shit up#like thesis hell played its part ofc for sure for sure#but the fucking fact that i wrote more in /////2024////// where i could not move my fucking HANDS for most of it lol. lmao even#like yeah those 30k are real pathetic but once im done actually finishing all the snippets that are just a couple lines BC I COULDNT TYPE#i bet you it's breaking 50k if not 70k#i just want my heart back. ive been fighting so hard. i cannot stomach another second of this#i dont want to be here i dont want to talk i dont want to exist i dont wanna waste another second#until ive reclaimed who i was who i should be#nauseous with grief and anger. i will never forgive the people and systems involved in this#i will never forgive myself bc i KNEW BETTER i felt it happen i SAW IT HAPPEN i knew all along#and now i have to claw my fucking way back up thru the mud it's so humiliating to be a stranger in your own head#to know with such clarity the potential you had and pissed it down the drain for social clout that never made me happy to begin with#execute me. end me. i cannot bear to be alive with this shame rotting where my heart used to be#dont fucking read this dont acknowledge it dont talk to me about it i am so fucking broken and recovery fucking sucks ass#elia txts#rsi samsara#is not even my problem anymore im just a loser who's too stupid to recover like a real man
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