#like idk I have trans men friends and they’re all going hard with surgeries

[goblingirlpicnic]

Olive’s girl rant 👉👈😵‍💫

So like idk abt y’all but bottom surgery has been on my mind a lot recently. I find that when I get into a bad mental space my dysphoria like gets much more in my face if that makes sense.

Like I’m not even sure where I stand on wanting it, like it’s terrifying and like I don’t think I could handle it but also like it’s the end goal of transitioning for me. I think it is at least, I’m still trying to figure out my next step in my transition and like what I need to get there.

Idk like I think I’m just overwhelmed with life and my brain is kinda putting more stuff on top of it.

[acecademia]

What do you think is wrong with The 57 Bus winning an award? Do you like the book and author?

Hi, nonny!

You have activated Rant Mode TM

All my friends are probably sick of me ranting about this book and how much it pissed me off. (It's one of those "okay I'm done." *five seconds later* "AND ANOTHER THING" situations 😂) I wrote a review of this book a while back, which can be found on my website, but I'll go into some of the major points here as well.

Quick overview of the book: The 57 Bus is a non-fiction book written by a journalist named Dashka Slater. It covers a hate crime that occurred in California in 2013. An agender teen named Sasha was riding a public bus and fell asleep. They were wearing a skirt. Another teen (Richard) was also riding this bus with his friends. He didn't know Sasha, but upon seeing them asleep on the bus, he and his friends thought it would be "funny" to set Sasha's skirt on fire (because Sasha didn't present as female and, y'know, people who aren't women wearing skirts is like "offensive" or some shit idk). Sasha woke up on the bus literally on fire. They were burned very badly and had to have surgery. The 57 Bus tells the stories of Sasha and Richard and covers their lives before and after that horrific day.

Deadnaming: Sasha is repeatedly deadnamed throughout the book. There is no indication that they consented to their deadname being published. Deadnaming Sasha does nothing. To quote a popular social media post "if you know a trans person’s deadname, no you don’t." You delete that shit from your memory and move on. That is not their name, and unless they specifically tell you to use it (like in front of family or other people they're not out to), you do not know their deadname. Sasha is also referred to with he/him pronouns occasionally despite explicitly giving their pronouns as they/them. The author also deadnames one of Sasha's trans friends and uses their transness as like a kind of shock/plot twist like "oh hey these kids knew each other before they both came out as trans!!" Also, the author uses she/her pronouns for Sasha's friend before she reveals her big "plot twist" even though he is a trans man and uses he/him pronouns. I've brought this up with trans friends to make sure it wasn't just like cis girl ally crying transphobia, and the people I've spoken to were all super uncomfy with the author's misuse of deadnames and pronouns. Obviously, that doesn't mean that all trans people feel that way, but it's a weird choice that alienates people in that community, so like... bad call imo

Sympathy for Richard: Look, I am a white girl. I don't know what it's like to grow up in the US as a Black boy. I will never fully understand that experience. I recognize that it is difficult and that there's some frankly horrifying bullshit that Black boys and men are put through. However, that doesn't make it okay for them to set people on fire???? There's a weird amount of sympathy for Richard in a "he had a rough life" kind of way when he literally SET SOMEONE ON FIRE. Like, yeah, we need to address systemic racism in our society and move toward racial justice and equity, but we also can't just be like "oh he didn't know any better. society made him that way uwu" when someone literally commits a hate crime.

Misunderstandings of queer identities: One of these isn't on the author, but one of them is. I initially picked up this book because I was writing an annotated bibliography of youth literature with asexual protagonists/subjects or resources that covered asexuality. One of the Library of Congress subject headings for this book was "Asexual people—California—Violence against—Juvenile literature." Here's the thing: Sasha is asexual, sure. But the crime that was committed against them wasn't because they were asexual but because they were agender. So that's like just a complete misunderstanding of terminology there. Secondly, the author includes a glossary of LGBTQ+ terms but chose to write her own definitions rather than, say, going to a reputable source or, idk, asking queer people? As such, she defines being asexual as "Not physically attracted to anyone," which is kind of reductive and overly simplistic. It's a spectrum.

Sources? What Sources? (aka Citation Needed): SERIOUSLY, LADY, WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR INFO FROM??? She says that she got some information or quotes from the social media pages of Sasha and Richard (and maybe their friends? idr), but other than that, she gives 0 indication of the sources of any of the facts she spews. Like, there are parts where she gives statistics. Like hard numbers. And she doesn't say where she got the numbers from??? There are no in-text citations, no footnotes, and no backmatter explaining where she's getting this information. And like hey, she's a journalist, so maybe she's not used to like doing full-on academic source citing, but come on, you can't just use numbers to back up your argument, refuse to tell me where they came from, and then expect me to just accept it at face value. You can't just say you did "extensive research" and refuse to elaborate. You could have googled that and gotten your numbers from a Twitter shitpost for all I know.

Format: This is a non-fiction book about a real and traumatic incident that actually happened. It was written by a journalist. So why, why does it randomly switch between prose and poetry?? What is the point of the poetry? What does it add? Nothing, that's what it adds.

I don't understand why this book won awards. I'm not sure who was on the committees for those awards that year, but like.... I'd be surprised if there was more than like maybe 1 trans person at most (and I kind of doubt that there was even 1).

Anyway, that's my big rant about The 57 Bus and why I hate it. If there are trans people who felt differently about it, I'd love to hear different perspectives! That also goes for people of color who have comments on the way that Richard was portrayed and treated throughout the book.

[ierohero]

How do u deal with dysphoria? My body is SO feminine and i have hips n titties and I cant go on t or get top surgery yet and I feel horrible.

oh bro i feel you so hard,, i am on t but i’m still super curvy too and while i do have a top surgery date (in fucking next april tho lol) i currently have no idea what im gonna do about these *john mulaney voice* feminine hips so i know exactly how you feel,, i don’t bind at the moment (tho i am considering maybe starting once i go off to college we’ll see) so i don’t have a lot of knowledge/experience to speak to that but as far as i know gc2b is a really good brand to get binders from and they also have a tumblr (@gc2b) where they answer people’s questions about binding so if you think that could be an option for you theres a lot of good information on their blog,,, as for stuff that’s personally worked for me i think one of the things that has made me feel the best in general was switching to wearing men’s underwear,,, it doesn’t affect ur outside look at all obviously but 1) its literally so much more fucking comfortable than women’s underwear oh my god why do we make anybody wear that shit and 2) getting dressed/undressed can be one of the most dysphoria inducing times in your day and having something to see yourself in under your clothes that actively combats that is really helpful,, and it just feels better to know your wearing them,,, also if you’re still shaving at all try stopping and see if you like it, the one upside to being relentlessly conditioned by society to view any body hair as unfeminine means you do feel more masculine when you have it,, on that note switching to men’s deodorant can also help,,, as for clothes the best anti dysphoria things i have in my wardrobe are 1) every trans person’s best friend the big baggy hoodie 2) this pair of heavy duty workman’s pants i found at the thrift store,,, they’re very baggy cuz they’re a little big on me but the material is super stiff so it doesn’t cling to, hang against, or so much as pay attention to the shape of my thighs/legs at all which is ideal,, the ones i have are dickies brand and i did look on their website to see if i could find the exact pair but the closest i could find where these (the pockets on the side and the material look to be the same as mine but mine are black and dont have the big knee patches) but yeah i’m guessing most workman’s jeans will have that same stiff, form hiding quality 3) cargo shorts for summer,, they are supremely unsexy but they do hide the shape of your hips/thighs Super well and can kind of fit into a skater look if you wear them with ur aforementioned big baggy hoodie and some chucks 4) my patch vest,, the stiff denim makes ur torso look super straight up and down while also covering your chest and the sleeveless nature of it means you can wear it in hotter weather than the big hoodie,, also idk if ur a diy patch person at all so you could achieve the same effect with a plain denim vest the patches just have the added bonus of looking dope and also further distracting people’s eyes from the lines of ur body 5) pants from the men’s section in general,, this isn’t higher on the list because the men’s jeans i do have still don’t totally hide my thigh situation but they are A Lot better than the old women’s jeans i used to have and also the way men’s pants are sized is actually consistent across brands so once you know which pants measurements make you feel the best dysphoria wise you can literally always find the same thing in any store,,, as for direct ways of dealing when the dysphoria gets super bad sometimes i just,, take a nap,, usually when i wake up my mind feels a little bit reset or moved on to other things at least for the moment,,,, i also find showering with all the lights off helps immensely,, can’t feel so bad if you can’t see shit,, that might be all i got for now i really hope this helps hang in there dude shit gets better i Promise

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

also, dumb shit i’ve learned during my first year on t

-i can pass most of the time except for when i’m at work. i think that’s because customer service voice at my old job plus carryover work anxiety to my new job (i was borderline sexually harassed at my old job because i am trans, so i’m stealth at my new one, very anxious about anyone finding out, and VERY defensive when i get misgendered. perhaps to my detriment, but i always explain that it was the “running joke” at my old job that i “looked like a girl,” which is as true of a story as i can make it without telling my coworkers i’m trans. similarly, they think i’m having back surgery in december.)

-the only people who misgender me now are clueless people who see me without my binder on in like dining halls or some shit and adult women. actually, the amount of time i get misgendered by women between 30 and 60 has caused me so much anxiety around that demographic that my anxiety voice has probably increased the percentage of times they misgender me. even the bro-iest of broskis apologize profusely and turn red when they misgender me. (thanks nick ur a bro, i won’t drink 14 beers with u tho. maybe 2.) women between 30 and 60, or at the very least ones at my job seeing my customer-service persona? they just don’t seem to care, or can’t seem to remember. they either get defensive or give me the “oh you’re one of THOSE” stare. i can’t fucking stand it.

-on that note, i am tired of being called kira and karen. open your goddamn ears. kieran is not THAT uncommon of a name where you insist to your dull minds that a man is called kira or karen, 30-to-60-year-old-female-coworkers. jesus fucking christ on a bike. please. i am whole-ass begging you. when i spell or sound out my name for you, and you continually insist it’s karen, i have every right to be angry at you. i am very apprehensive around middle-aged women at my job now, which i am aware could be interpreted by them as sexist without the context for my anxiety, but the anxiety is there, despite me actively realizing it’s shitty and yikes-worthy. i need a fucking beard please.

-contrary to the last points, women in my own age demographic are much better than men at reading me as male. i predict that it’s because i’m not actively trying to get in their pants like most guys they interact with on a daily basis, they actually remember what the fuck my name is, and i’m less anxious around people my own age anyways so my voice is deeper. men my age may read me as female more because i don’t have facial hair and i make “i hate men” jokes with my female friends all the time. this is all theoretical, but it’s interesting to realize that the gender who misgenders me more is different for different generations. is there a study on this? should i do one myself?

-on the beard note, i gave in and bought minoxidil. will it work? possibly not. do i just need facial hair like yesterday to make up for my slight bone structure and small head? yes, so i am willing to drop $23 on a six-month supply of that shit for the gamble that it will work. i frankly don’t care if i’m out $23 because of it later, at least i tried. and considering all the results i’ve seem from trans guys (even those who are pre-t!!) with minoxidil beards, i have faith that it will work at least somewhat well. besides, i need an excuse to take better care of my skin and stop scratching my zits open during the day. this will probably have multiple benefits.

-you know, i don’t even WANT a beard, i just feel like i NEED one. ideally i want like a 5 o’clock shadow but i’ll probably end up having a beard for a bit just to enforce that i’m male whenever my fucking facial hair grows in. i don’t like how this means i’m conforming to societal standards of masculinity, but you know what? sometimes, you ahve to do what you have to do in order to feel safe and comfortable in your own skin. being trans is like walking a tightrope sometimes. i think in general most of the trans people i know agree that gender roles are stupid, but there are enough radical “fuck gender roles entirely i’ll do what i want who cares if i pass” people and enough “i can’t understand why amab trans people would want to keep their facial hair/penis or why afab trans people would still want to wear makeup and dresses” that i feel like i’m an odd one out for not agreeing with either side entirely. i’ll never be caught dead in makeup or a dress, but i also wear neon pink cat socks and don’t bind all the time. i feel like no matter what i do it’s still problematic to SOME trans person somewhere, and most of me doesn’t really care but some part of me thinks it’s stupid that me desiring to pass is problematic to some people or that me owning neon pink cat socks is problematic to some people. i’ve been distancing myself from the online trans community because of it.

-my mother and i had a talk about how she treated me during my transition, and it was a lot to handle. i don’t really wanna write out a whole paragraph about it right now because it’s still a lot to process, but i am in the process of deciding how much i want to let her back into my life or if i want to continue to keep her at a distance. i think i’ll have a better idea about that after thanksgiving or christmas break (she’ll be taking care of me post-surgery, and she was hurt that i was afraid to ask her to - but it made sense to be afraid considering she had such awful reactions to things as simple as my name change, you know?) idk. we’ll see where that ends up. we’re never going to be close, but we may end up being less far apart.

-i’ve been in a depressive/executive dysfunction episode for the past like month, and not only am i failing my classes but i’ve been wearing the same like 6 shirts and 1 baggy sweatshirt and 4 pairs of basketball shorts. i regularly wear my shower shoes out (they’re just flip flops, but still) because putting on socks takes more energy than i have. the plus side is they make me look masculine, the downside is i look like literal shit almost 24/7 and someone should really force me to do laundry. if you’re reading this and you know me irl, actually please text me/fb message me and yell at me to do laundry.

-all the negative experiences i’ve had being trans no longer make me want true trans soul rebel tattooed over my top surgery scars. sorry, laura jane grace, your music saved my life and i have failed you because i am weak and want to be stealth. maybe i’ll incorporate it into the t-shot date tattoo that i’m getting on my left thigh where i had my first t-shot. 

-that being said, i can’t be stealth ~yet~ outside of work because too many people already know, so i’m still wearing the iconic “i have no tits” shirt i got from wish for a whole 71 cents plus shipping to pride next time i go. (i wear it now for fun too and it makes a pretty excellent sports bra for under The Baggy Hoodie, believe it or not lmao.)

-THAT being said, i live with three men. my roommate definitely knows i’m trans bc he’s one of the first people i came out to irl, my one suitemate might know i’m trans but i can’t remember if he remembers, and my third suitemate (who is terrible and gross and i hate living with him because he leaves rotting food in the bathroom sink) does NOT know i’m trans. i was in the bathroom literally topless, with a towel around my waist and a towel over my neck/shoulders (and therefore covering my titties), and he didn’t bat an eye. my roommate saw the two of us silently coexisting in the bathroom and tried very, very hard to stifle his laughter at the situation. next semester after i have surgery, i’ll probably continue doing that for a while till i heal more, but eventually just be like “oh yeah i had ugly scars and now look at them they’re baby” lmao

-yeah that’s it for now i’ll add more if i think some

[ladyloveandjustice]

Fall 2018 Anime Overview: Continuing Series- Golden Kamuy Season 2 and Banana Fish

Golden Kamuy Season 2

If you enjoyed the first season, this is pretty much more of the same, so check out my review of season one to know what to expect.

Though I guess you could say this portion of the season DOES lean even harder into weirdness than the first one did. There’s not many anime where you’ll see two dudes having the time of their lives modeling fashionable outfits made out of human skin, which include...crotch appendages...only in Golden Kamuy y’all.

Interestingly bizarreness tends to overlap with queerness a lot in this season and its hard to know how to feel about it. For instance, it’s definitely an unexpected revelation that dudes are attracted to Lieutenant Tsurumi like whoa. 

IDK apparently he’s a catch. Half of his subordinates are in love with him. It’s handled as comical and of course the dudes are mentally unbalanced weirdos (as is everyone in Golden Kamuy except Asirpa and Sugimoto only sometimes) and one of them dies, but the show is never overtly mean to them either. Nobody acts disgusted about it and when one character observes the attraction, he basically shrugs about it.

 Satoru Noda apparently also REALLY loose with his fixation with dudes muscles with this part of the story, to the point we got the beef-cakiest hotsprings episode I’ve ever seen, which includes an extended fight scene where the male characters were naked throughout. There’s also an entire scene where apparently otter meat is an aphrodisiac that causes the dudes to be really into each other, so they engage in nearly naked sumo wrestling.

This is all clearly supposed to be wacky and funny, but at the same time it’s pretty clear the mangaka must REALLY LIKE drawing these scenes of muscular, naked men, and I support him following his dreams. Also I won’t deny it’s refreshing to see a hot springs episode where not a single woman got objectified, but there was dude oglin’ a plenty. It healed me a little.

I guess while we’re talking about this show and its weird relationship with queerness I should reporting that my prediction was right and the trans woman I mentioned in the previous review did become an ally. Her transness hasn’t been bought up again (though for some reason the subs decided to switch to “he” despite sticking with “she” before) and her role is pretty minor, she does reveal she’s skilled in both cooking and surgery (because she likes dismembering people) and talks about how great it would be to see people murdered every so often, so pretty much more of the same.

And that’s really all there is to say. Golden Kamuy has only gotten weirder and the plot only more convoluted (I’m starting to have a hard time keeping track of the characters tbh), but it’s an entertaining story and there’s still characters with resonance and heart underneath it all (the scene where Sugimoto discusses his trauma from being in the war with Asirpa genuinely tugged a heartstring. These two are still great and have really settled into a kinda of adorable dad-daughter dynamic at this point) and the historical and cultural research that went into this story is still amazing. 

I can tell the anime’s still skipping a lot of the manga (most of volume 7 was completely skipped), but since the English release of the manga is so slow, I’m happy to watch it in the meantime. It helps that the show has a bangin’ soundtrack and and it managed to pull its ginormous cast together for some truly exciting and action packed final episodes that left me eager for more. 

Banana Fish (13-24)

Again, if you read my review for the first half of the show, you can basically expect more of the same, both with the good and especially the bad parts. We do get more downtime with Ash and Eiji’s relationship, and they continued to make me think this show would be so much better if it focused more on these quiet scenes rather than on piling as much trauma on Ash as it possibly can. 

I think this second half did allow me to see what was compelling about Ash and Eiji’s relationship and why it’s stayed with so many people. When Ash explained that he’s finally found someone who will love him without expecting anything in return, so of course he’s willing to do anything for that person, that got me in the heart. Ash is someone who has either been viewed as a threat or someone to exploit- he’s especially used to being treated like he’s nothing more than a body, a receptacle for desires. Eiji isn’t afraid of Ash, or in awe of him, and never asks anything of him other than for him to be okay and by his side. Ash genuinely can just be a dumb teenager with him while he can’t with anyone else. Eiji is an outsider, to Ash’s gang-bangin’ world, to his culture in general, and that allows him to see Ash as he truly is, just a kid who needs to get out of this mess.

The romantic in me really loves that concept, and as an ace person, I especially connect to the underlying implication that Eiji is a romantic partner who isn’t going to demand sex from Ash or try to force him into it. Though Ash’s implied desire to avoid sex almost certainly stems from trauma, I know how he feels in a broad sense. And I think it’s a thing a lot of women can relate to even if they aren’t ace, wanting to find a relationship where they aren’t used or objectified, so it goes back around to how Ash acts as kind of a representation for the anxieties and desires of (likely) the mangaka and many women despite being a male character, and I still find that very interesting. The scene where Ash has a complete breakdown and screams at his rapist while laughing hysterically was really affecting.

So there’s moments of real resonance here, but is it worth the bullshit surrounding it, which includes every single gay man being represented as a rapist, to the point a gay bar is connected to a child porn ring? The nasty implication that gay sex is inherently evil and non-consensual, and Ash and Eiji’s relationship is only okay because they’re not doing it is very strong, and as much as this ace appreciates a romance that doesn’t require sex, I don’t want it THIS way.

There’s also some SERIOUS anti-Semitic bullshit that I can’t believe MAPPA didn’t edit out in a couple episodes. Like it would have been so easy to cut. Also some more pretty rough scenes of black men being murdered (they’re extras this time at least, and the main black dude for this part of the anime miraculously manages to both survive and not be an offensive caricature. Also his name is Cain Blood which is the best name in this story, and possibly ever). 

The second half of the anime also involved some of the more absurd elements worsening. I got REALLY tired of every character commenting on how hot and amazing Ash is like. I GET IT.  Also Ash’s life of being sexually exploited somehow gives him the ability to seduce any man holding him captive, and every bad guy is down for raping a teenage boy, I guess. It’s actually again, a little surreal to see these tropes with a male character. I’m used to seeing hot female characters who’ve been through sexual trauma and have magic seduction powers and are endlessly drooled over...I almost want guys to watch these segments so they can see how uncomfortable it feels when the tables are turned. 

There’s also some really good examples of ACTUAL jarring tone shifts, where the anime really fails to land some of its attempts at a funny, light moment in the midst of really tense and tragic situations. I think it’s possible the manga managed this better, but I can’t imagine the “joke” where Ash has to crossdress and a male doctor gropes him and Ash punches him out cold and his friends chortle and tell him he’s not a gentle woman could ever be done in a non jarring way. Like, I don’t like sexual harassment humor in anime at the best of times, but it’s especially bad when the person who is harassed has been raped more times than he can count.  We’re expected to take that seriously, but not this, because Ash is in a dress? It’s also like, appalling that his friends who are fully aware of his history would laugh about him getting assaulted again. It’s a moment that feels like it comes from a completely different anime. 

So um, yeah. My conclusion is those resonant moments are not worth the bullshit. The ending really cemented this for me. I had an (admittedly overly flippant) reaction that kind of sums my feelings up. Let’s just say I HATE meaningless cruel tragedy for the sake of tragedy, and I especially hate the implication abuse victims can never find happiness. 

I can’t say Banana Fish is an anime I’ll think fondly of or recommend. I do still find the discussion about it interesting, much more interesting than the actual story (as presented in the anime, again, haven’t read the manga), tbh. And I can see the seeds of a good story there, and I can understand why fans would want to see a reboot that truly modernized the story, cutting out the worst stuff and giving it a better ending, while keeping the resonance of the main relationship and the good characters (I really did like Sing, and Yut Lung was interesting. Shorter and Skip both deserved way better. Also Jessica, who at least got to do something besides be victimized at the last minute. One whole female character got a few moments of agency. Hallelujah.) Maybe someday it will happen. 

In the meantime, there’s a bunch of cool articles on Banana Fish that are worth a read. All of the pieces published on animefeminist as well as this post on Otaku, She Wrote are really informative, illuminating, and break down a lot of the issues I found here.

[awolspaceman]

how my dysphoria manifests i guess

just gonna warn u right here: this is gonna get in depth talking about dysphoria. if that triggers you, keep scrolling and have a lovely damn day! (also, i anticipate that this is going to get l o n g)

so i’ve seen a ton of shit coming from tucutes about how us “nasty horrible transmeds believe you need to despise yourself to be trans!!!!!!! they’re so harmful to the trans community!!!!!!!” so i just wanna dispel some of those myths. please keep in mind that i’m one person and my experience is totally not universal. i have trans friends who do hate themselves due to dysphoria, and i have friends who aren’t super dysphoric but still experience gender dysphoria. it’s a varied experience. here’s mine. 

i don’t hate my body. if we add up all the things i like/love about my body and then subtract everything i don’t like, we still end up with a positive. i got blessed by the genetics from my parents that i have a relatively masculine face, as well as a pretty pronounced adams apple by female standards. i have really nice eyes in my opinion, and i have some of the thickest eyebrows that i know of. so yeah, i got a masculine face. 

i am very unlucky with the rest of my body. from the neck down, here’s some of the things i like about myself: my collarbones, my shoulders, my hands, my arms, my calves, and my feet. those are all pretty masculine if you ask me. i’m 5′7 and wear US men’s size 9 shoes, and i’m a broad dude (my dad is disappointed in me for one reason and it’s that i don’t competitively swim). unfortunately, i’ve got a big chest. i don’t just have a big chest by trans guy standards, i have a big chest by female standards (if you wanted to put me in a size i’d be a 36 DD, which means i have a bulky ribcage and an even bulkier chest). i’m never perfectly flat while binding, and trust me, i’ve tried on a lot of binders. i live in sweatshirts. i’m also pretty damn curvy, with a smaller waist and thick thighs (mostly muscle, but it still makes me fairly hourglass). apart from my shoulders (which are probably the reason i don’t have that “perfect” hourglass figure thing), i have a super feminine build. that’s just how it be. we’re not even gonna talk about bottom dysphoria because i think you get how my entire body is contradicting itself.

so how does my dysphoria manifest, i hear you asking. my dysphoria is this weird thing that never really goes away. however, it’s not complete and total self hatred. let’s use the shower i took tonight as an example. when i look at myself naked, my body doesn’t register my feminine “bits” as mine. seriously. my brain cannot comprehend that my chest is a part of me. it cannot comprehend my lack of penis, so its circuits overload and i just feel... nothing about it. that feeling of nothingness is then replaced with a similar feeling to touching raw meat. just kind of “huh, that’s weird and kind of gross. i’d like this to be over as quick as possible, please and thank you.” i��m currently sitting in bed, and my chest is pressing into my stomach slightly. i’m not constantly focusing on it (yes, it’s physically uncomfortable, but it’s not making my dysphoria make me want to die), but in the back of my mind, the “ew raw meat” feeling is constantly running. not a fun time. my brain would like to be rid of that feeling as soon as possible. problem is, i’m kinda stuck with it. no matter how much i bind and how much pointless youtube i watch, it’s always there and isn’t going to go away until after i’ve had surgery. 

you know those cursed images that make you go “yeeeeeeeeesh, that’s n a s t y oh god it gets nastier the more i look”? yeah, that “ewwwwwwwww” feeling is the feeling i get. it just feels wrong, and i sure would like it to feel right. do i feel this way all the time? pretty much, unless i’m super distracted, which i try and do all the time. does my dysphoria get to debilitating self-hate sometimes? yeah. lemme explain, with a few choice excerpts from my life. 

this was june, 2018. not that long ago. i needed some sports bras so i could work out, go on long road trips, etc, without binding dangerously or for too long. let’s just say, buying high support sports bras for people with large chests is.... difficult. so, since my mum is a Saint and understands how my dysphoria works, we measured me and bought stuff online. when the stuff came in, there was a return deadline, so i needed to make sure it fit. this is where my dysphoria becomes near debilitating. i ended up sobbing in my room and writing in a small journal i had about how horrible i felt, and this is the gist of what i remember: i want a knife to cut off my chest. i dont care how painful it will be, i just need it GONE. 

i’m on a medication called norethindrone. it stops ovulation and therefore, i don’t get my period (its a fucking blessing. i gained a little weight with it but it’s not too bad, no heavy mood swings, and so if ur a trans dude who wants to stop your periods, check in with your primary doctor about it! they can prescribe it to you, you don’t need to be in gender therapy or anything). however, my natural hormones overloaded it once, about a year ago almost to the day. i got my period for the first time in four months (i had only been on the medication for about that long), and it was hell. i was having more cramps than i had ever had, and my dysphoria was just skyrocketing. i’d had the privilege of not menstruating for a while, and so i’d gotten used to it, and wasn’t prepared for the mental toll of my medication failing. it was horrible.

tomorrow, i’m going into the city with my parents to meet with some people to talk about freezing my eggs. it’s the one thing i need to figure out before i start HRT, so hopefully we figure it all out rather quickly (testosterone is on the horizon babey!!!!! we’re talkin like hopefully under a year until i can start it but idk). however, the thought of even talking about my uterus makes me feel sick. my brain refuses to acknowledge that i have it, so forcing it to acknowledge a part of me i try hard to ignore is 1. exhausting and 2. really distressing. talking about it with my parents made me dysphoric, and when this special flavor of my dysphoria rears its ugly head, i swear i can feel my internal organs shifting with discomfort. so, yeah, my dysphoria gets pretty nasty. 

so let’s just review. personally, my dysphoria manifests as this weird thing my brain cant quite comprehend but definitely does not enjoy, and sometimes it spikes to those self-hating, “everything about me sucks and i want to die” levels, but those are normally induced by me getting deadnamed or misgendered or i’m forced to think about aspects of my body that i work hard to ignore. this is my experience and i’m allowed to share it. not everyone’s is like mine, but i think maybe, just maybe, one person who sides with tucute ideology will read this and maybe, just maybe, they’ll change their mind about the “horrible self-hating transmed ideology” that other tucutes talk about and demonize. 

have a nice night y’all. get some sleep and eat breakfast tomorrow.

[fandomiseverything]

Pros and Con of Countries - Written by two Americans (Who both live in Minnesota)

Canadia

Pros:

Marriage equality (the gays can get married!) (SINCE 2005!!!!) (YEAH!!!!!)

Free healthcare :0

People are truly friendly

Politics are lighthearted and easily run

Higher wages

They have a town called Regina

Money has little windows that when a laser pointer is shined through it, it shows the value on the wall

They hate Justin Bieber

I’m pretty sure Justin Bieber can’t go into Canada? So that’s good (that is good)

Avril Lavigne

AVRIL LAVIGNE (yeah shes great but why is she a pro 2 times) (cuz she’s a clone) (ohyea)

Its a themepark (what) (their money projects the amount on the wall, its monopoly money, its waterproof, and its a scratch and sniff….. Its a themepark)

GingerPale

Rei & Shane (and Rei’s cats)

Canada is one of the most gay-friendly countries in the world

Change of legal sex available in all provinces and territories

under varying rules without sexual reassignment surgery

Tim Horton’s (YEEEEE, now i want tim hortons, ive heard of it never had it, and now i want it) (it’s gooooood. One day we could drive down to Brainerd and get some) (THEY HAVE TIM HORTONS IN BRAINERD????/!111/1/1?1/1?!?!?!?) (ye) (WEEEENEEEEEDDDTTOOOOOGGOOOGOGOOO!!!!11!!!1!11!!!!!, LEAVE IT TO MINNESOTA OR AS WE KNOW IT, SOUTH CANADA, TO HAVE A TIM HORTONS)

Cons:

Higher cost of living

Snow. lots of fucking snow.

Their money??? Is weird???

Consumer choice is low (especially with Netflix. The Canadian library is half the size of America’s)

Environmental impact (they’re one of the top oil producers in the world)

They spell Canadien with an “e” (its Canadian you matherfeker)

Its kinda hard to get into Canada

*Chloe voice* they are not French they just PRETEND to be for ATTENTION. (wow)

A lot of people only speak French (thats pretty much the same for any country, they speak a different language)

How do you speak French (very difficultly, lots of vowels, slightly similar to italian and spanish)

Its a themepark

It doesn’t exist (vtru)

COLD

Sweden

Pros:

It’s very clean. Like, seriously.

Most attractive people in the world

The locals are anti-social

The Gay has been legal since 1944

Right to change legal gender since 1972,

No sterilization required since 2013

Sexual orientation and gender identity/expression protections

Gays can adopt

Gay marriage legal since 2009

the first country in the world to allow transgender people to legally correct their gender

HomO, was the Swedish office of the ombudsman against discrimination on grounds of sexual orientation (i think its a funny name)

after one year of abstaining from sex, gay and bi men can donate blood

Sweden is Europe's most gay-friendly country

Cons

Very high taxes

Can’t ask for directions no one will talk to you :(

The locals are anti-social (so am i)

Germnay

Pros:

Central hub makes it easy to travel to other european countries

Good healthcare

Very active, with fairs and parties

Oktoberfest is pretty lit i guess (you guess?) (I’ve never been to Oktoberfest but my friend from Germnay - fuck you - says it’s great)

Legal drinking age is 16

Rammstein

Furries (i’m not a furry i sWEAR) (are you sure about that??) (i dOnT kNoW)

Legal to be gay  since 1968 East Germany and 1969 West Germany

Gay marriage legal since 2017

Transgender persons allowed to change legal gender without required sterilisation and surgery

Sexual orientation and gender identity protection nationwide; some protections vary by region

Full adoption rights since 2017

gay and bisexual men have been allowed to donate blood, provided they haven't had sex for twelve months

83% of Germans support same-sex marriage

Cons:

Nearly everything is closed on sunday

Legal drinking age is 16

Germans dont get sarcasm

Finland

Pros:

They, unlike the Germans LOVE sarcasm

Very clean air

walk anywhere in nature at anytime

SEALS they have a special breed of seal native to finland

Very clear northern lights

They’re modest?

Extremists

Good heavy metal music apparently

People say they’re kind

Some of the most progressive lgbt laws in the world

Transgender people allowed to change legal gender, but only after sterilization

Sexual orientation and gender identity protections

Gay marriage is legal

Legal to be gay since 1971

one of the most LGBT-friendly countries in the world and public acceptance of LGBT people and same-sex relationships is high (lots of gays!!)

Cons:

CANCELLED, THEY HAVE FAT RARE SEALS

Norway (Richie’s fave country besides Canada)

Pros:

Snow is wet so you can actually do stuff with it (unlike MINNESOTA) (you CAN do stuff with minnesota snow!) (NO YOU CAN’T IT’S POWDERY AND WEIRD) (swhy you wait for wet snow or wait till it melts slightly, cause then its warm and thereswet snow) (NO) (yEEE) >:(

Norwegian elkhounds :0

People seem friendly?

Transgender persons allowed to change legal gender

Sexual orientation, gender identity/expression, intersex status protections

Gay marriage legal since 2009, Gender-neutral marriage has been legally recognized since 1 January 2009

Married and committed same-sex couples allowed to adopt

Gay is legal since 1972

1 year deferral period was implemented, gay and bisexual men can donate blood

generally gay-friendly

Cons:

Shrugs

COLD (VERY COLD)

Russia

Pros:

Furry coats are nice

Furry hats called ushanka

Babushka means grandma but buska means bitch

Vodka

The GayTM, Decriminalised in 1917; Re-criminalised in 1933; Legal since 1993

Legal gender change since 1997

But only after what they call ‘medical procedures’ (idk what they mean by that but i suspect surgERY)

Cons:

No gays allowed

Religion is bAD

Religion is GOOD

THEY CAN’T DECIDE???

ALSO COLD (SO COLD)

Too much snow

They like to destroy things? I saw two Russian guys put a stick of dynamite in the sewer and explode the road? Why? (BAD but thins going boom is fun, but not important things)

Vladimir Putin (yee, but we have sarah palin to watch him) (o shid u right)

Government is weird? You can get killed if you say you don’t like the tsar?

If you gay and live in ‘Murica you can’t adopt from Russia (fuck russia)

Communism I guess (thought you liked communism?) (to a degree. I like the idea of it but it’s also bad? Like you can’t/don’t own anything? Your dog is not your dog it is everyone’s dog? I do not like that my dog is mINE)

No discrimination protections

No recognition of gay relationships

tends to be among the most hostile toward homosexuality

Japan

Pros:

SHIBES!!!!! AKITAS!!!! FLUFFY DOGGIES!!!

Sakura trees :0

Pretty colors

Gay is legal, it was legalized in 1880

Very strict gun laws

Never had a school shooting EVER

2015 opinion poll found that a majority of Japanese support the legalisation of same-sex marriage

sex among consenting adults, in private, regardless of sexual orientation and/or gender, is legal under Japanese law

Cons:

Killer bees (we dont like killer beeeees, NOT THEEEE BEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!) (the killer bees will kill you in a heartbeat)(bad bees…. , NONONONONONNOTJAPAN) (they only live in the forests tho. I think)(ILIKEFORESTS!!) (me too)

No nationwide recognition of same-sex relationships

No gay marriage

Gay and Lesbian Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands

Pros:

All the gay is allowed

They have their own website you know it’s legit when they have their own website

Government is gay (everything there is gay) (shhhhhhhhhggSTOPITgggg)(NO)

Dingos

Cons:

Im pretty sure you cant permanently live there

It was technically at war with Australia for a while

Dingos (I want,,, to pet them,,, but they will bite me,,,)(i was gonna put them in the cons too if you didnt)

Kangaroos (vdangerous) (they scare me) (THEY SHOULD)

Greece (i like greece)

Pros:

Ruins

Anti-lgbt discrimination explicitly banned (ooo nice)

Food

Ocean!!!!!!! Ocean ocean ocean ocean ocean ocean ocean!!!!!!!!! (SaME)

Goats :0

Male homosexuality has been legal since 1951, female homosexuality has always been legal (nICE)

Hate crimes laws covering all areas incl. sexual orientation, gender identity and sex characteristics

school  sex ed classes include segments on sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, homophobia and transphobia (NICE!!!!!)

Pride has been held since 2005, and has been held in most other moderate sized cities since 2010

Trans people's can legally change their gender without having to undergo sex reassignment surgery (NICE!!!!!!)

GAY CULTURE IS VERY VIBRANT

a 1982 law that legalized civil marriage between "persons", without specifying gender, acted as a test-case for same sex marriage

Since 2005, discrimination based on sexual orientation in the workplace is prohibited.

A lot of boat traveling

Cons:

Quality of life is kind of falling apart

A lot of animals roam freely, which means LOTS of poop

Goat farmers (whats wrong with goat farmers) (they won’t let me pet their goats :( ) (really…. Thats why this is a con?) (yes. I’m a petty bich) (......) (i like goats. And i want to pet them. If you do not let me pet your goats I will be sad [and kinda mad because I want to love them])

Lots of fucking goat cheese

Too close to Italy (whats wrong with italy???) (too friendly. It’s suspicious) (OMFG SERIOUSLY???) (YOU PUT THE FACT THAT CANADA SPELLS CANADIAN WITH AN “E” IN THE CONS) (thats because it iS A CON!!!!! CANADIAN IS SPEELED WITH AN “A”) (NOT IN CANADA)

The Netherlands

Pros:

quite strict gun laws, not seen as a right, but a privilege (????) (you wanted strict gun laws, they have really strict gun laws, its a privilege to have guns, and only for hunting and target shooting, not for self defence, or for other things at all) (nice!)

Homosexuality legalized in 1811 (holy shid)(yeeee)

Gay marriage legal since 2001 (i was born in 2001, they knew i was coming) (I was born in 2000)

The first country to legalize gay marriage (I approve)

banned discrimination on sexual orientation on the grounds of employment, housing, public accommodations, and more.

Lesbians can get IFV (???)(in vitro fertilization, they implant a fertilized egg so they can carry their own child, instead of just adopting)

Transgender persons allowed to change legal gender, only after a diagnosis but without surgery or hormone therapy

. Amsterdam has frequently been named one of the most LGBT friendly cities in the world

Homomonument, was the first monument in the world to commemorate homosexuals who were persecuted and killed during World War II (this is so cool)

85% of the Dutch population supported same-sex marriage and adoption as of 2013

Cons:

Cold? I think?

Republic of Ireland

Pros:

Ireland (nice pro) (thanks)

first country to legalise same-sex marriage on a national level by popular vote

Affordable for any budget

Entitled to 20 days of leave

Yes, transgender people can change legal gender by self-declaration since 2015

Safe, with few guns

Less police

Lots of pubs

Speak English (this was a pro on a website) (IT IS A PRO I ONLY SPEAK SPANGLISH) (Spanglish) (YES SPANGLISH , DONT BE A DIC) (I can’t be what I don’t have)

Fear nothing and no one

Gay marriage legal since 2015

Low crime rate

Cons:

In a fight with Northern Ireland because they don’t want to be ruled by England but Northern Ireland does. Now Northern Ireland is a separate country.

The potato famine (I like potatos) (exactly)

Bad weather

Less police

Not much of a non-alcohol social scene

Fear nothing and no one

The Philippines

Pros:

Have to be at least 21, and pass a background check to be issued a Possession License for guns

If you’re a foreigner and you have a gun, you’re going to go to prison.

They are poised to make stricter gun laws

LGB allowed in the military

Low cost of living

GORGEOUS!!! IT’S GORGEOUS!!!

The Family Code of the Philippines says that marriage is “a special contract of permanent union between a man and a woman,” but The Constitution does not prohibit same-sex marriage

One of the most gay-friendly countries in the world

Is the most gay-friendly country in Asia

Cons:

Can’t donate blood if you gay. You will give them The GayTM. (don’t drink the tap water)

Drug problems

Healthcare problems in some areas

Tagalog is very complicated to learn

Malta

Pros:

Transgender people can change gender with or without surgery

Homosexuality legal since 1973

Gay marriage legal since 2017

ban on anti-gay discrimination in employment

sexual orientation and gender identity protections

the first country in the European Union to prohibit the use of conversion therapy

Cons:

Gay and bi men in Malta are not allowed to donate blood

Though there’s talk to change that law

Poland

Pros:

In Warsaw they have a Hatsune Miku statue

Never illegal to be gay

Transgender persons allowed to change legal gender.

one of few countries where sexually active gay and bisexual men are not legally restricted from donating blood. (give them The GayTM, drink that dam tap water)

Cons:

Apply to high schools

School is weird

Gay marriage is banned (wHAT) (I KNOW! Im sad too) (what if you’re gay married BEFORE moving to Poland) (idk are you planning to get gay married?, also … i dont remember waht i was gonna say) (no i’m just thinking about all the other gays who might move to Poland)

United Kingdom

Pros:

The Queen (YEEEE!!!)

Always legal for women to be gay; decriminalised for men in: 1967 England and Wales, 1981 Scotland, 1982 Northern Ireland

Right to change legal gender since 2005

Gay marriage since 2014, not in northern ireland

All discrimination protections since 2010; some existed since 2003 for sexual orientation and 1999 for gender identity

Tea

Crumpets

Cons:

Under the Gender Recognition Act 2004, transgender people who are married have been required to divorce or annul their marriage in order for them to be issued with a GRC. (??????? wtf????) (ikr, its kind of very mean)

The legislation of gay marriage also does not restore any of the marriages of transgender people that were forcibly annulled as a precondition for them securing a GRC

What time is it? ...ITS SEVEN BONG!! (you know they don’t actually tell time like this, right?) (IDONTCARE)

Still #salty about the Revolution (VERY)

BISCUITS (NO!!) (aka cookies in America) (FUCK BISCUITS)

conversion therapy remains legal in the UK (NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO) (IKR LIKE FUCK THAT)

Rains a lot

France

Pros:

Baguette (noice)

DEPENDING ON THE TIME OF DAY THE FRENCH GO EITHER WAY

Legal to be gay since 1791 (no wonder Lafayette was like how he was)

Transgender people allowed to change legal gender without surgery

Sexual orientation and gender identity protections

Gay marriage legal since 2013

amendment to existing anti-discrimination legislation, making homophobic, sexist, racist, xenophobic etc. comments illegal.

gay and bisexual men in France can donate blood after 1 year of abstinence

Transsexuality declassified as an illness

Cons:

Lots of crime? (from what I’ve heard)

Denmark

Pros:

Gay is legal since 1933

Transgender persons allowed to change legal gender without a diagnosis, hormone therapy, surgery or sterilization

Sexual orientation and gender identity/expression protections

Full adoption since 2010

Gay marriage legal since 2012

Gays in military since 1978

Lesbians can get IFV

Laws against hate speech for seual orientation

Lgbt sex ed and relationships taught in schools

Cons:

Iceland

Pros:

Legal to be gay since 1940

Transgender people allowed to change gender without surgery

Gay marriage since 2010

No standing army

Sexual orientation protections

Both full joint and stepchild adoption allowed

2016, Icelandic President participated in the Reykjavik Pride Parade

the first Icelandic President to attend a gay pride parade

Cons:

No standing army

currently unable to donate blood in Iceland

Though they are wanting to remove the ban

Greenland

Pros:

The GayTM has been legal since 1933

Sexual orientation protection laws

outlawed hate speech on the basis of sexual orientation

Gay marriage and full adoption rights since 2016

Cons:

Cant donate blood

trans people cant legally change gender (fACK YA GENDA RULES)

This is all we got for now, but if anyone has any input or tidbits about these countries that wasn’t listed, that you think is important (especially if you live in said countries, send one of us a message, we’ll add it asap! (most likely me, because im on more often and as such am more likely to check my messages) Sorry for the extremely long post!

[damnitaddie]

Adventures in Mental Health

I wanted to write this up before I forget any of the finer details. As I’ve mentioned before, I tend to take my mental health very seriously. With the amount of stressors that I have experienced in the last 2 years, I’m not ashamed to say that depression has been a problem. When you also consider that one of my best friends committed suicide about 10 months ago after losing his battle with depression, it becomes even more important to me. 

Over the last year, I’ve been working with my family doctor and my psychologist to find a balance. My GP has tried adjusting my dosages, as well as trying different drugs, to no avail. Both at separate times suggested that I see a psychiatrist that had more specific knowledge on psychotropics. I was recommended to a center that was staffed with both nurse practitioners and doctors of psychiatry. I called and set up an appointment for this past Thursday. 

As I normally do when visiting a new doctor, I downloaded their intake paperwork completed it a couple days prior to the appointment. Nevertheless, I arrived about 13 minutes early for my 10:15 appointment. I signed in at the front desk and took a seat. The first thing I noticed was how busy the place was. The building being a repurposed house didn’t have a large waiting room and it was full. Additionally, some of the people waiting had restaurant style pagers. 

10:15 came and went as I amused myself on the internet as usual. As 10:30 came, I called my

Seriously?

manager to let him know that I would be coming in later due to a doctor’s appointment. At 10:38, I finally got up and went back to the window to see if they had forgotten about me. She motioned towards the check-in book. 

“I signed in at 10:03. The sticker I signed has been peeled off”, I replied. 

With no apology or explanation, she took my paperwork and a copy of my ID, then provided me with a pager of my own. I sat across from a mother and daughter, who were waiting for a 10AM appointment. She was finally paged at 10:52. In less than 5 minutes, her appointment was over. I’m thinking, “Seriously? SERIOUSLY?” in my best Meredith Grey voice.

About that time, I get called and simultaneously vibrated as my table for four is ready.. Oh wait, this is a mental health office, not Texas Roadhouse. So I meet my new person. His name is, well, we’ll call him Steve. So Steve invites me into his office. The first thing I notice is that it’s like my office at home. A mess. Stuff everywhere. Which, I can’t cast stones in glass houses, but hey! I don’t see patients in my office. We just play video games and post passive aggressive tweets. I digress. 

He introduces himself, and we’re exchanging pleasantries. He mentions that there’s an Addison in his family, but that Addison is a boy. I told him that a hundred years ago, Addison was primarily a masculine name, but in recent decades has become more popular as a woman’s name. I also mentioned that I had a non-binary/agender friend and their name is Addison as well. This is where things started to go sideways.

 “What is non-binary?” he asks. 

At first I think he’s joking. Then as I look at his face, I can actually see the puzzled look on his face. It’s the same face my seven year old makes when I explain something technical. It’s not dramatically different than my dogs cocking their heads to one side when you say, “Who’s a good dog?”

I explained that there are people who don’t identify with either male or female, that there are people who are fluid between genders and then some, like my friend, who are agender. They don’t identify as any gender. I got the feeling that, maybe.. I was his first trans patient. Somehow, it feels slightly unfair that this guy brings in at least $75-100 an hour, but I have to educate him on things that he could find on google. 

Next, Steve starts with a brief history. I give him the broad strokes, my laundry list of medications. What we’ve tried, etc. I always like when a professional asks me, “Why such a low dose of X?” To which I’m thinking, “Uh, IDK. That’s what the doctor told me to take???” 

Anyway, he asks about family history. I tell him what I know, in terms of mental health. Then we go into alcoholism and addiction. I explain about my father and his sobriety up until his passing. He pushes deeper about the rest of the family. 

“Well, I was raised catholic, so that should give you an idea”, I quipped. 

He doesn’t get the joke and continues to push on it. I explain that if you go AA’s “Twelve Questions Only You Can Answer” page, many of my family members would have fallen on the spectrum at some point in their lives. 

Finally, moving on, I’m asked about any past surgeries. Mind you, all of this was listed on my intake paperwork. I tell him that I had GRS in May and then Breast Augmentation in November. That I had my wisdom teeth out about 16-17 years ago but other than that, no other significant medical interventions.

I explain that I’m having a number of issues aside from just typical depression. My problem list: 

Trouble concentrating

Issues staying on task

Constant exhaustion, lethargy, and malaise. 

Nervous Anxiety

Clenching my jaw subconsciously when I’m awake.

Then we take, what feels like, a drastic course change back to Transtown™.  First is a question that’s so hard for a trans person to answer, at least in the first couple years. 

“Are you still,” motioning with his hands towards his crotch, “…. um… male down there?”

I shot him the kind of look that only a mother would give to her kids when they’re out of line and replied, “I was never male.”

It’s called a penis.

As he stumbled over his words and tried to make a coherent sentence, I asked if it was medically relevant to my mental health? Mind you, if he had read my intake paperwork, or had any familiarity with trans patients, he’d have know without asking. He said it was, because some of the drugs have sexual side effects, including erectile dysfunction. 

And once again, I had to come back to Trans 101 and explain that a decent percentage of trans women who are post-op or non-op have issues with getting or maintaining an erection. Because of the use of anti-androgens, such as Spironolactone, our testosterone levels are typically lower than the average cis woman. I explained that mine were normally somewhere in the 8-12 range, on a scale of 8-55 for cis women, cis men having a much higher range from ~300-1000 (ng/dL). 

I went on to explain that there was a much better way to ask those questions to a trans person. I suggested, “Do you still have a penis?” Or even better “Do you still have testicles?” 

From that point on, I pretty much checked out on this dude. Especially when he started to show me facebook pictures of his sister’s lesbian wedding on his phone. Because, you know I’m a lesbian, so we must all lesbian together. Or something. 

In the end, he had two cardboard boxes of some drug called “Trintellix” of which he rummaged through and gave me two sample bottles. He basically claimed it to be the best stuff on the planet and that a number of his patients had seen improvements in 1-3 days. Which is odd, because my understanding of SSRI’s is that they usually take a couple weeks to build up a normal level in your system. He wants to see me back in two weeks.

Sorry, I think I’ll skip it. 

Adventures in Mental Health was originally published on TransVentures

[bpd-bojack-horseman]

Trans asks

How did you choose your name? My first name comes from a character off doctor who that I like. My second name (which I am mainly known by now) is closely related to one of my birthnames. 

What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria) Probably the weird psychological things I can’t quite put my fingers.

Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria? I would have probably have said social previously, but I think in the past year physical dysphoria has been worse. 

What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric? I think I just sit with the hell most of the time unfortunately. 

What was the first time you suspected you were transgender? Probably 15

When did you realize you were transgender? Later in the year of being 15

What is your favorite part of being transgender? Having a community

How would you explain your gender identity to others? I’m male. I don’t particularly identify closely with words like man, but I think that’s mainly because of dysphoria. 

How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed? I came out very slowly over the space of about 2 years to various people. Mainly told people face-to-face

What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been? I pack on and off. I used to have a lot of hilarious experiences with my packer, but I’ve just about got the hang of not looking like I have a boner. 

What are your experiences with binding or tucking? Been binding pretty much every day for the past 5 years. That’s about to change though thank fuck. 

Do you pass? Probably about 40% of the time. Even though I’m 2 years on T lmao. 

What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition? As mentioned, I’m over 2 years on T, and I’m getting top surgery next month. I’m considering getting phalo in the future. 

How long have you been out? Been about 5 years since I came out to the first person I told. Been out to my parents for about 4.5 years. 

What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set? Before I came out to anyone (expect 1 friend) I identified as non-binary for about half a year. 

Have you ever experienced transphobia? More times than I can even remember buddy. 

What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public? Go in the men’s no matter what I look like, fuck ‘em. 

How does your family feel about your trans identity? My parents took a long time to understand but they’re just about chill now Siblings have always been okay with it. Think my grandparents are a little uncomfortable, but they don’t mention it, so it’s fine. 

Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth? I’m stealth at work, but that’s it. It’s mainly because it’s just not relevant. I can’t see a reason why it would even come up that I’m trans. 

What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans? That I don’t have to feel guilty. 

Why do you use the pronouns you use? I use he/him and that’s because I’m a binary guy. 

Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender? Well, I’m pretty sure that I have BPD because of being trans so it’s more the other way around. 

What’s your biggest trans-related fear? That I’m never gonna pass consistantly. 

What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition? Been out for almost 5 years, T, nearly got top surgery etc etc. 

What do you wish cis people understood? That their perception of a person is not always correct. 

What impact has being trans affected your life? Well I think it’s fucked me up pretty bad, it gave me severe dissociation since I was like 11 and ruined relationships and made people hate me for no reason. It’s also given me a community of amazing people and freedom from gender stereotypes. 

What do you do to validate yourself? Eh, don’t really do anything actively. Sometimes I do stuff like walk around in my boxers and that feels validating but sometimes it feel bad so idk lol. 

How do you feel about trans representation in media? Mainly bad, I wish they’d stop talking about us tbh. 

Who is your favorite trans celebrity? Chelsea Manning!!! 

Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most? Jay Stewart, founder of GI. Idk what my life would have been like without my trans youth group, seriously. 

How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online? With GI! I’ve been connected with them even before I came out to anyone. Now I’m in the over 18s group, and I met my QPP there and I’m kinda a veteran there. 

How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years? Still a binary man, probably will be a bit more attractively masculine? I hope? Will always like to dress up fem though I think. 

What trans issue are you most passionate about? The cis shutting their mouths. 

What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them? Find the community. Seriously. You are not alone. 

How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality? Well it’s interacted with my disability pretty badly because being trans has made it hard to access therapy in the past. Being trans has definitely made my mental illness worse as well. Though I am lower-middle class, and would have never have been able to fund my own transition, I am lucky enough to live in a country with universal health care. So all I have to put up with is long waiting lists. 

What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression? I’m always a binary male, but I can dress very femininely sometimes. My presentation goes everywhere on the spectrum depending on the circumstance. For every day, going to work, I have to present masculine. 

Do you feel more masculine, feminine, both, or neither? I definitely feel I have aspects of masculinity and femininity in me. 

What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it? I’m bisexual and aro-spec. I’ve known I’m bi since I was 13, only realised I’m aro-spec in the last year or so. I’m pretty chill with both these things.

Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference? I’ve dating many lovely cis people and would do so again. 

How did/do you manage waiting to transition? Fkcn. Dissociate the fuck out of that shit. 

What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things? Idek know. Tungl.hel unfortunately lol. 

Do you interact with other trans people IRL? YEs!!!! I have so many lovely amazing trans friends! And I trans QPP! And these two people I’m kinda dating!! 

Are you involved in any trans-related activism? Not much currently, but I want to be.