#like i'm having a good week mentally ('maybe it's the start of the semester / maybe it's vyvanse' joke - but actually)

[astriiformes]

Had a really good conversation with my therapist yesterday that has left me feeling better about life & the future than I have in... months, honestly (which also has me feeling really good about her ability to help me continue sorting through things).

I was talking about my distress about the future and in particular what I'm going to do when I graduate, since grad school isn't the most stable option, and she pointed out that since I was spiraling over hypotheticals, maybe it made sense to simply make up my mind about the first step, since applying to grad school is hardly the same as committing to grad school. And she was so right. I am so good at feeling like I need to make the right, perfect decision -- especially after making mistakes with school in the past -- that I have been worrying myself into depressive spirals over what the "right" decision is here. But making up my mind to at least apply and find out what my options are is a decision, that will give me a lot more information in the long run than paralysis over if it's "okay" to apply at all.

It'll still take a lot of work, obviously, and l don't know if I'll even get in anywhere, much less actually commit to doing a PhD if I do. But it has taken such an incredible weight off my shoulders just to say "Okay, I am going to apply, what next?" Because it means I can put all that nervous energy to actual use! Instead of spiraling the next time I start thinking about my options in the future, I can go do research on different PhD programs (without feeling guilty the whole time, like I have been until now)! I can ask my favorite professors for advice! I can reach out to current grad students to ask what they think of their advisors! All of which is actually productive and will help me make the most informed choice I can if and when the time comes, instead of ruminating endlessly on what the "best" one is!

TL;DR -- my therapist is very smart and understands me and the things my brain gets stuck on in a big way, and her advice has dislodged literal months of extremely disordered thinking just like that. Because now I feel like I've made a choice and have something to work towards. And also like I can breathe.

[fyodors-husband]

Hihi! Can i request some Verlaine sfw and nsfw hcs??? I hope you have a good day!!!

ANON I LOVE YOU.

(Also I assumed you meant x reader so i made them that way, i can make another if it's general hcs!)

Thank you so much for giving me a chance and reason to write for him 💜 he's my favorite!

I hope you have an amazing day aswell!

Also, I apologize if you've been waiting a long time for me to answer I've been less active since my semester is just ending now, but over the summer I'll be much better!

Anyways, here's NSFW and SFW Paul Verlaine HCs!

CW: smut, Very very very slight OOC (we don't mischaratarize verlaine here), stormbringer spoilers, no beta we die like the flags (I'm sorry 😭)

°~•~○~°~•~○_FLUFF BELOW THE CUT_○~•~°~○~•~°

Verlaine is a very clingy lover, some might even say possessive, the thing about him though is he dosent want to control you

He loves you alot and he feels that your the only person who loves him, so he dosent want to loose you

But he also wants you all to himself, know what I mean?

during, and post stormbringer, he's a spy (post he's in the pm basement but still a spy)

So he's probably got money, and once of his love languages is definitely giving gifts

Another is acts of service. Definitely

Hes not to good at showing his affections for you, so he'll do things for you and buy things for you to try and make up for that

If you knew him pre / during strombringer, you'd be able to see how he's changed between during / post, especially pre / post rimbaud incident (death) and he'd honestly be so grateful that you still love him after all of that

Hed be insecure though, that you'd leave him, please reassure him you do love him alot

Hes definitely a fan of cuddling / snuggling up to you (after a while)

He wouldn't be very open to touch in the start of the relationship (maybe holding hands)

But as he comes to trust you and realize you do actually love him he's alot more fond of touching you and maybe even some PDA

Takes you on the fanciest dates, anywhere you want to go, to the most high-end restraints definitely (he'll have a subordinate get it for you and take it in if he can't leave the basement)

Flowers, lots of flowers, one of thoose guys who keeps one for himself so he knows when he needs to get you new ones

°~•~○~°~•~○_NSFW BELOW THE CUT_○~•~°~○~•~°

Switch.

Definitely takes him alot of time to be comfortable enough to trust you with something like actual sex

Within the first few months you've had your first kiss and cuddled

After the six month mark you've most likely made out, but never done anything more

Possibly he'd service you but he's also nervous

Hes not a virgin per say, he definitely has experience, just not alot

When he finally comes around you will not regret waiting

So soft and gentle with you the first time, checking to make sure everything is okay, the most considerate lover

Hes take it very slow at first, especially your first time together, finding out what you like and what you dont and what he can and can't do

After all the foreplay and that, he could get a little rough, not on purpose because he'd never want to hurt you, (without previous discussion) and as soon as you tell him to slow down or stop he would

After the first time, you two talk about what you do and don't like and he's very respectful of it

If you like to be degraded, he'd most likely only say a little bit, he dosent want to hurt your feelings or mentality by accident

he's a hand holder during sex, or some part, he has to be holding onto you all the time atleast on one spot

Scared you'll disappear honestly

If you want to top him, he'd take some time to come around as that's a whole new level of trust but it wouldn't take him as long as it did to agree to sex

Maybe a week or two at most

If you do top him please be gentle, very into soft making love more than rough fucking

Don't degrade him he will cry :(

very very into praise, tell him how good he's doing and how pretty he is, he'll melt (and probably still cry, but not in a bad way)

Will absolutely die if you show any concern for him if he winces or groans, wouldn't think you cared that much about him

He still holds onto you even when he's on the bottom, wraps his arms around your neck

The position is definitely tame at first, he wants to always be facing you aswell, whether he's top or bottom, to make sure your okay and if you two can keep going

He miiiiight be open to positions where he isn't facing you but again, takes a couple weeks

Afterwards very clingy, dosent want to get up or clean up, just wants to lay and hold you

Basically no pillow talk, only because, as i said, not very experienced so he falls asleep quickly

[windbreakes]

get to know the mun! repost, don’t reblog.

——— BASICS.

NICK NAME(S): nana, nams, namnams, nami, nimnuts, i have been amassing an army. i don't care what people choose and actively encourage nicknames!!

PRONOUNS: he/they/it, please alternate!

ZODIAC SIGN: sagittarius! fun fact my bday is the same as sako's :>

TAKEN OR SINGLE: shingle

ANYTHING ELSE?: i volunteer at a local apothecary and just grind up herbs every week...?

——— THREE SERIOUS FACTS.

i realized i had bpd because my roommate who got diagnosed started talking about her symptoms and it was like something clicked. i had an "oh, shit" moment and it's actually been really helpful in processing my emotions ever since!

i have early onset arthritis. ripe old age of twenty. and carpal tunnel probably

unsure what else i can put here... this is sort of basic but i'm a junior in uni right now and i really want to do a semester abroad and go to grad school. not in that order and unsure how financially that will play out but we'll see.

——— THREE RANDOM FACTS.

i have a dog named milk who is evil but i love her anyways; i also technically have a cat named beef who is the cutest cat in the world. i say "technically" because i don't live with my friend who owns him but i basically do. (beef is my godson)

i have the cilantro soap gene...?

i binged wind breaker in like a three days. i don't think a piece of media has affected me this much since haikyuu and that's saying something because haikyuu made me throw up

——— EXPERIENCE.

i've been rping for over a decade now i think...? i started really young (maybe not even 12 oops) on places like wattpad, skype, kik, google+, animal jam, etc. i don't really remember why i switched to tumblr rp but it was one of the best decisions of my life—— i've met so many of my close friends here!

that isn't to say i didn't have bad experiences though. oopsies

——— MUSE PREFERENCE.

LMFAOAOEWRIJAMSDFLDSFM I WRITE ANYONE AND EVERYONE IF YOU COULDN'T TELL. i rarely make single muse blogs—— the only time i really do so are for ocs—— and even if i make a single muse blog for a canon character, i guarantee you i write others from the same media somewhere. i am physically incapable of only writing one character.

i do think i generally go for muses who have bad home lives, who have several mental illnesses (either confirmed, coded, or projected), and most of the time kind of bad people. examples: endo yamato, sylvain jose gautier, childe tartaglia, among others. i look like a walking red flag and i'm so sorry about it.

——— FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT.

FLUFF: i love fluff so so much! sometimes it's about the comfort and the happiness of it all... i'm always down for some feel good threads! however——

ANGST: —— i love to put my muses in situations. it is my favorite past time. call me a torturer the way i treat my muses because even though i love them they're always going through it cuz of me. i do love angst for angst's sake, but you will rarely see that from me because in the end i do need something to balance it out. it's always hurt and comfort with me!

SMUT: not on this blog, no, but i do write smut! i get embarrassed very easily though so it takes me a while to get to them. not my preference but if it happens, it happens.

——— PLOT / MEMES: i love love LOVE plotting!! i get so excited talking about how my muses would interact with others, it's why i may jump to respond to some things over others.

TAGGED BY: @cherriedrage !! thank you zag ♡ TAGGING: obligatory "if mari sparky and rain see this you have to do it" here; @prudenze; @taritsu; @timewounded; and anyone else who wants to!

[sara78]

Family don't end in blood - chapter 9

Summary: Jensen stumbles into a familiar, but not-so-loveable face and learns how far and how bad things can go for him, his friends and his family, including Y/N. Everyone is alarmed and has to work together if they want to stay as safe as possible

Word count: 5,000 and some more

Warnings: Scary situations, angst, mentioned death/murder (nothing major but SKIP IF IT TRIGGERS YOU), angst, SO MUCH DRAMA

Transcription - Y/M/N: Your mother's name ; Y/H/C: Your home country

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x foster!daughter reader

A/N: Whoops...

3rd person POV

After meeting with Jensen's and Danneel's lawyer most of the things got cleared up.

Y/N's mother must be working with Jane. Disowning a child is a felony in the US, therefore when she got disowned there would have been absolutely zero records of it here in the States, but Jane had no trouble finding Y/N and obviously scaring her and everyone else to death.

They also found out that Jane is in the dirty part of CPS. Just what they heard she did to some kids made shivers run down their spines and they definitely didn't want to see that woman ever again. But, since she is probably working with Y/N's mother, she won't be able to get a hold of warrants for forcefully taking Y/N away for a long time, maybe she never gets them in the first place. And that made everyone sleep a little easier at night.

What had all three of them a bit under the weather was the fact that pushing Jensen and Danneel into the foster care system will take much more effort and it might not be doable. There were too many things to do and some people are corrupted enough to just fuck people off for no good reason. This time, the reason was the supposed publicity Jensen and Danneel wanted that came with adopting a child. Which was of course pure bullshit. But then, how do you explain that to someone?

But as of now, Y/N's been staying with Jensen. They flew back to Vancouver to finish filming for the season, second semester of high school started for Y/N and she really didn't have a lot of time to worry about the whole disowning thing. She couldn't care less if she was being honest.

Jensen's POV

I was waiting outside a pizzeria, getting some fresh air while waiting for my order to be done. I wanted to surprise Y/N with her favorite pizza and a shake, as I knew she has a documentary to watch in her history class which she enjoys and she could use a little dinner beforehand.

I was looking around the dimly lit streets that led to where I stood. This part of Vancouver isn't always crowded, but in the evenings, just like this, a lot of teenagers and grown-ups walked around these parts, in search of some good fun or just a place to grab a bite and hang out in.

Until I saw a face that made my blood boil.

The first person my mind went to was Y/N. I had to act quick, so I dialed Jared,

"Jared, Poughkeepsie."

"Poughkeepsie? What?"

"Poughkeepsie. Now," I ordered sternly as I ended the call, seeing the face walk up to me and tug me for my sleeve,

"You and I need to have a little chat," Y/N's mother spoke as she pulled me to an alley behind the pizzeria. I followed her, not planning to make a scene in a more or less crowded street,

"You need a little visit to the mental ward but here the fuck we are," I growled back, "What the fuck do you want?"

"I want Y/N," she said, slamming me against a wall,

"I told you this weeks ago and I'll repeat now - you won't go near her ever again."

"Now, now, you can already tell how big of a waste she is, how worthless and stupid she is. How about you drop that little game of yours and we can talk the real shit. We could both benefit really well if we work together."

"I don't have to drop any games because I'm not playing," I said, getting into her face, "I'm not faking a thing when it comes to that child."

"I could give you money," she said, making me huff a smile, "She'll get her master's and doctorate in 10 years tops and I'll give you a part of her paycheck. Don't tell me you don't want some money, just to be safe if your job ever goes to shit."

"And I'd rather die than work with you, so I'll happily reject your sick offer and whatever sick game you have planned in your twisted mind."

"I don't have a problem with you dying," she laughed evilly, "Especially if I get to be the one end you. So, choose wisely."

"You're insane," Jensen breathed, "Why can't you just let her go? She's old enough to have her own life. She's done with you to the point where she won't even sue you for everything you did to her. Just go back to Y/H/C and forget about her. Let her go."

"I am either leaving here with her or I die. I do not accept failure."

"What was your point?" I asked, "In disowning her. We know you work with Jane. I know that was some poor attempt from your side to take her in with a fake name on you or something. We know many things you think we don't. We can put two and two together and we're not stupid, especially not Y/N. But then, you would know that. She's everything you never were. And now, you're nothing without her. And that hurts a whole lot, doesn't it?"

Y/M/N had no problem kicking me in the stomach, making me double over but I managed to push her away, not wanting to attack her but just to defend myself. But something shifted in the way she looked at me after that punch. Something told me that she was scared, that she didn't expect us to put things together and read her master plan as easily as we did. Hell, she probably counted on us not even thinking of it.

"Oh, how sad," she mimicked, "Poor Y/N, always being the victim. What other lies did she feed you with? How awful of a mother I am? Or how she didn't have a daddy to love her?"

"Yeah, she told me all about that," I huffed as I leaned against the wall again, "She told me how he never loved you. And you punished her for it even though it wasn't her fault. She never cared about the man. She, a ten-year-old child, went over a stupid, worthless man. But you never did. I think that should tell you a thing or two about maturity and all. I know heartbreaks are hard, but there was no reason to punish Y/N. She didn't do anything wrong in the whole situation."

"She existed!" Y/M/N exclaimed, "She ruined me!"

"You could have ended her existence," I spoke, gulping, "You could have aborted. But you didn't. Instead, you made this master plan where you make her into a robot and try to get revenge or whatever you thought you were gonna get. But you ran into a little problem, a little flaw. Me. And, well, you didn't expect Y/N to act the way she did. That's definitely why you're chasing her now. You didn't see it coming and it's killing you and you can't explain yourself to all those people you brag to about how amazing your daughter is."

"As I said, I have no problem with killing you. Her too. So, are we going to work together or are you going to die? Or is it gonna be her who's gonna die? You pick."

"I'll take the rain check," I smirked, knowing she was bluffing. She didn't have a weapon on her. I couldn't spot one, with how light she was dressed, "Maybe some other time."

"You have a family," she spoke up as I walked away. I froze, turning around, anger flailing,

"You don't want to do that."

"Ooh, how scary you are. Who is it going to be, Y/N or your family? I saw how cute your boy is. Shame to shoot that little smile."

"You can't cross the border," I smiled at her, "You can't hurt them. You're a wanted fugitive. No fake names can rub out how ugly you are."

"Well, as much as I'd like to hurt them with my own hands, you're right about that. But then, I have my ways."

"If you try to come at them, there's going to be one big difference in who's chasing you down."

"Oh really? And what is that, sweetie?"

"Y/N," I said, "She doesn't want to have anything with you. But, see, there's something very important about her that you never seemed to notice about her - she loves. She has a big heart that loves with all it has."

"What the fuck are you talking about!?" she exclaimed, making me smile,

"Nothing. Just pointing out something obvious about your daughter that you should have known by now. Now, if you excuse me, I have to get dinner and go back to the set," I said, walking away. As soon as I made it to the street, I hid behind the first object I found, seeing Y/M/N walking away furiously in the opposite direction, where the set was located. I gulped, taking a deep breath before going to the pizzeria.

As I walked out of the pizzeria I could finally answer my phone which went crazy as soon as I ended the call with Jared.

"Dude, for fucks sake! What the hell is going on?!" Jared's worried voice rang on the other end,

"Are you at my place?"

"No, but Misha was there already. I asked him to stay until you come back. What is going on?"

"Y/M/N found me."

"She-are you hurt?!"

"No," I breathed, "I'll be at your place in a few."

I'm greeted with a big moose hug as soon as the door to Jared's apartment flew open. I returned it before entering the apartment, looking around for a second before slamming the door shut and locking them fully,

"Dude, you're white as a sheet," Jared said, guiding me to the couch, "Sit down, breathe. Here," he made a few long steps to his kitchen and gave me a bottle of cold water, "Drink."

"Thanks," I breathed, gulping down the content of it,

"Are you sure you're not hurt?" Jared asked and I nod,

"She hit me in the stomach but nothing bad."

"Fuck, she's been here this whole time," Jared gulped, "What did she want?"

"To persuade me into working with her to get Y/N. Probably bring Y/N back to Y/H/C. I didn't even let her spit out the entire thing. I got sick by just looking at her."

"She's really a stubborn bitch."

"Yeah," I breathed, looking up to Jared, "She threatened."

"She what?"

"Murder," I whispered, "Murder me, Y/N, take your pick."

"What?!" Jared exclaimed, "Is she out of her fucking mind?! Jensen, you have to get security for Danneel and the kids. Cliff will have you and Y/N covered here. And we have to report her too."

"I'll fly Danneel and the kids here," I whispered, "I can't sleep without them all here."

"But the kids are in school," Jared frowned, "And if Y/M/N sees them-"

"I'll think of something. Dee will think of something," I gulped, grabbing my phone, noticing how shaky my hands are, "Fuck. They gotta pack and leave as soon as possible. They might be able to make it by tomorrow morning if they can catch a plane tonight. When I have them within arms reach we will discuss further into their safety."

"Yours too," Jared added, "I'll call Cliff and have him send someone he trusts over to follow Dee and the kids to the airport and Gen to help. Jensen, look at me," Jared tried, making me look up at him, "Everything will be okay."

"Yeah. Yeah," I nod, "Just, be fast. I... I gotta get back to Y/N. She must be worried by now."

"Did Y/M/N follow you here?" Jared asked and I shook my head,

"I told her I'm going back to set."

"Okay. Misha is with Y/N, don't worry. I'll tell him to let her know you'll be late and he'll keep her safe until we make it there."

Not 10 minutes later, Jared and I set everything up. Danneel will fly with the kids over tonight and Cliff and me will pick them up tomorrow morning.

I had to take a quick shower and gather my shit together before going back to Y/N. When I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror I now understood why Jared told me I look white like a sheet.

I shook my head, turning on the faucet. She can't see me scared. She can't know any of what happened tonight. I washed my face, taking deep breaths to calm myself down.

She's gonna be so scared and she might run away again and this isn't downtown Austin and Y/M/N is here too. I can't risk her knowing what went down tonight.

"Hey, Dee and the kids are on the way to the airport. Cliff's friend and Gen are following them. Dee's gonna let us know when they board it and what their arrival time is," Jared informed me as I left the bathroom,

"Okay, yeah, sounds good," I nod, taking a deep breath,

"We should go to Y/N now. Misha is worried too probably."

"Y/N can't know," I spoke up, Jared frowning,

"What? What do you mean, Y/N can't know? Jensen, her mother-"

"I know what she did and that's the exact reason why she can't know," I said, "I'll tell Dee to lie to her, to tell her that there was a problem with the house in Austin and they had to leave here until it's fixed. She simply can't know, brother."

"Jensen, I don't think it's smart to hide this from her."

"I don't want her to run away again!" I yelled out, tears welling in my eyes,

"Jens, hey," Jared walked up to me, giving me a hug, "Brother, she's not going to run away again. She promised me."

"She-she promised me too," I whispered, Jared breaking the hug,

"See? She's not gonna do it again. I know you trust her."

"But I-I don't know what would happen if she found out. What if-what if she tries to find her and turns herself in? Jared, she'd rather suffer than have any of us in danger. I know the lengths she's ready to go to protect the ones she loves. Especially if she heard... "

"Heard what?"

"Her mother said I have a cute little boy," I breathed, "She threatened to kill Zeppelin. If she were to hear that she'd go rampage and hunt her down. She loves that kid more than she loves herself."

"Brother, first of all, she loves you too more than she loves yourself and second of all, no matter who she threatened to kill, Y/N would go rampage. Now, I get what you're saying, but we must be honest with her. Whatever went down, she has to know. She trusts us, more importantly, she trusts you. You have to be honest with her. In this moment you're everything she has. And I am sure she won't try and do anything stupid again. She learned some things that night back in Austin. We gotta trust her to make the right calls and I trust her. I know you trust her too and this is just your fears taking over, which is totally fine, but lying won't solve anything. Come on brother. You're not alone. We'll win this together. Let's go now."

"She can't see I'm scared," I whispered,

"That's bullshit," Jared spoke up, "She's already seen you scared and there's nothing, absolutely nothing you should be ashamed of. She's your kid."

"Exactly. She's my kid. I'm supposed to be strong for her."

"I'd very gladly kick your ass right now," Jared sighed, "She's not gonna think any less of you if she sees you scared, Jens. Showing her this version of yourself, you're sending her a quiet 'I trust you'. She's not a little kid either. There's no reason to lie to her. In any way."

Your POV

You didn't expect to see Misha in your doorway but you surely didn't mind his company. He's a crackhead but also a teddy bear.

You saw him frown at the phone a few times but he didn't mention anything, so you let it be, knowing that if it was something important he'd tell you.

At some point he told you that Jensen will probably run a bit late because he had to do a few things on top of filming. You shrugged your shoulders, knowing that happened sometimes, and you were in his shoes quite a few times.

So, here he is, sitting next to you on the couch as you both watched the documentary in your history class.

As the class ended, the door to the apartment unlocked and you smiled as you turned around and saw Jensen and Jared enter the apartment. Jared carried some pizza, and Misha immediately jumped from the couch, helping him, but you couldn't miss Jensen's pale, scared face.

Jensen couldn't miss the frown you made and he's fast to make a few long steps and give you a bone-crushing hug. You returned it, letting him hug you for as long as he needed to.

When he let go, Jared was the next one to give you a hug and you now found this behavior rather suspicious. The three sat down on the couch and you came up to them and found a spot right next to Jensen,

"Guys. What's going on here?" you asked, looking at everyone for a few seconds before locking your eyes on Jensen, "First, Mish just comes in and makes weird faces at his phone, then you're late from filming and then Jare shows up with you. Is something wrong?" Jensen gulped, looking down.

Chills ran down your spine.

"Did she hurt you?" you asked but Jensen kept quiet, "Did she hurt Dee or the kids?" he didn't respond, "ANSWER ME!" you yelled out, abruptly standing up.

"No," Jensen's voice was quieter than a whisper and you could have missed it if you weren't looking at him. The way he hunched over himself and made himself as small as possible didn't give you any good feelings. You slapped Jared's hand off as he was biting his nails and he smiled sadly at you. You kept looking him in the eye, waiting for some sort of words to come out, to tell you something, anything that Jensen hid so well, but Jared shook his head. He didn't want to tell you. He wanted Jensen to be the one to tell you.

So, you sat down on the ground, facing Jensen as you crossed your legs and made yourself as small as possible, finally being able to see his face. He gulped, just looking at you and you nudged his leg gently,

"Jense. What happened?"

"She found me."

You froze, but took a deep breath,

"She hurt you, didn't she?" you asked, standing up and pushing Jensen to sit straight, "Where?" you asked but Jensen shook his head. You grabbed the collar of his hoodie, "Jense. Where?"

"She didn't hurt me," he whispered. You looked to Jared who didn't say anything, again.

"Then what did she say? What did she want?" you asked, letting go of Jensen's collar,

"You don't want to know," he whispered,

"I very much want to know," you responded, "Come on. Talk to me. You're upset and scared. Did she threaten to kill me?"

"Amongst other things," he whispered,

"What other things?" you asked,

"Uh, can we go back for a second to the part where she said she's going to kill you?" Misha pointed out but you shook your head,

"No. I don't care about that right now. At least not until I hear the rest."

"She said I have a pretty son," he whispered, finally looking up to your eyes,

"She..." you gulped, grabbing your phone, "I gotta call Dee. Jare, ask someone Cliff trusts to guard their home. I-"

"They're flying here," Jared spoke up, "Dee and the kids. They boarded the plane half an hour ago."

"Fuck," you breathed, "Fucking fuck. I told you," you said as you began to pace around the room, "I told you that you'll be in danger if you kept me. See, now she's threatening Zeppelin! If she just thinks about threatening you too I'm going to find her and kill her and I don't care about the sentence I get."

"Jensen," Jared warned, making you look to him and see Jensen shake his head in a negative answer, a tear rolling off the bridge of his nose, his head still bowed down. It took you a moment before you realized why Jared had that reaction,

"She threatened you too, didn't she?" you whispered, "She threatened to hurt you."

"Kiddo, please," Jensen breathed as he stood up and came up to you, getting a hold of your shoulders, "Please, don't..."

"She didn't say she was gonna kill you, did she?"

"It doesn't matter what she said."

"She said she's gonna kill you," you whispered.

You didn't know what to do.

Your mind kept going to running away, but you promised. You promised Jensen and Jared not to do that again. You can't break their hearts, the trust they have in you.

But then the face Jensen sported hit you like a train and the only thing you thought of in that given moment was to slam your body into his, squeezing him into a tight hug.

You felt his arms wrap around you and you shook your head as tears began to fall and the threats kept repeating in your head. You could hear her say it, you could hear her say it in every language she knew, in every expressive way she had up her dirty sleeve. You could see her, clear as day, as she spoke those words, as she threatened to kill two people you loved more than yourself.

"She-she can't kill you. She-she can't hurt Zepp or-or anyone else," you began, not even knowing how long did the silence last, "I-I have to give her what she wants."

Jensen's arms only wrapped tighter around you and you could feel his head shake in a negative answer by the way he leaned his chin on the top of your head,

"Not in hell you're doing that," Misha spoke up, "She's gonna have to go through all of us if she wants to get you."

"That's the exact problem I have!" you yelled out, breaking Jensen's hold, "I don't care about what she's got planned for me. What I have nightmares about all the fucking time is her hurting all of you! Because she knows I hurt the most when people I love hurt. She knows me, Misha! And she has no problem with killing anyone if it meant that she's gonna get her hands on me. I'm not willing to sacrifice any of you or the kids. If she wants me that bad then she will get me."

"No!" Jared exclaimed, "We never thought about the fact that she might be bluffing, or something else."

"She's not bluffing," you breathed, "You don't know her. She's insane. Insane enough to kill. She's killed before. And I don't want you to die."

"She killed before?" Jensen breathed and you gulped,

"I can't say for sure but I think she could have saved my grandpa when he was dying," you turned to look at Jensen whose eyes were glued on you, "And that little fact, that's why we can't keep this up anymore."

"We can," he whispered, "We can and we will. Just don't leave."

"Jensen, I have to."

"No you don't," he breathed, "Maybe Jared's right. Maybe she's bluffing. To scare us, to scare you. To make you come to her. She's a master manipulator."

"I... I don't know what to believe anymore," you whispered, running your hands through your hair, "It's the safest option we have right now."

"Do you trust us?" Misha spoke up and you moved your look to him, "Trust Jared, me?" you nod, "Trust your dad?" you nod again, "Then trust us when we tell you that everything will be okay. It might hurt a whole lot and it might take a while to get to that point, but we're gonna get to the point where everything is okay. You just have to trust us."

"Do you think it's worth it?" you asked, looking down, "All this? For me? For a stupid human?"

"You're my kiddo. Not a stupid human," Jensen whispered, giving you a warm hug, "No matter how old you get, no matter what it says on a stupid piece of paper, no matter what tomorrow brings. You're worth everything."

"Your real family is in danger because of me."

"You didn't tell your mother to kill them, did you?" Misha asked and you violently shook your head when Jensen let you go, "Then how is it your responsibility?"

You were about to respond but Jensen's phone rang. He looked at it, seeing Rich's phone number,

"Take it," you whispered, looking at Misha who nod, walking away to another room with Jensen. You stayed behind with Jared.

"She took it too far," you whispered, "I don't care if she were to kill me. But she threatened my dad and my baby brother. What do I do?" you asked Jared, tears quietly rolling down your cheeks, "He's so scared. Mom too, for sure. You and Mish too. Fuck me, I'm scared. How do I make this right? How do I fix this?"

"Stay here with us and keep up with your promise," he reminded you and you nod, gulping, "Mish and I will stay the night here. Cliff's on his way, he'll stay alert and we can all get some sleep. Stay with Jensen for me. Please."

Misha walked out of the room and towards you, giving you a warm hug for a few moments before nodding you to Jensen's room. You nod, walking away quietly,

"There's some of Jensen's shirts in the dryer. Help yourself."

"Don't worry about us," Jared smiled, "Night, munchkin."

"Night, angel," Misha added,

"Night guys. And thanks."

You walked into Jensen's room, to where he was sitting, at the side of the bed, his head leaning against his palms, his elbows digging into his knees. You moved his arms away and hugged him tightly, Jensen returning it immediately. Your heart shattered at the sob he let out, taking you back to that night in Austin from a few months back and the aftermaths you faced.

"Don't run away," Jensen whispered as he clutched the back of your shirt and you shook your head, "I'll do everything. Just don't run away."

"I promised not to do that again. I want to leave, but only if you know and agree, which doesn't seem to be the case right now."

"Please, don't," he choked out, "Please."

"I won't. I'm staying here, with you."

"We-we just have to stick together," he murmured, "Just stay close to each other and we'll be safe. No way she's getting her hands on any of us - hey, shhh," he shushed you as you sobbed.

You knew the stunt with running away you pulled a few months back hurt Jensen, but you didn't know he was this scared of you running away again. And that, as a cherry on top of this shitshow of a cake, just made you lose it altogether,

"She's not going to hurt us. Y/N, look at me. Please, look at me," he begged and you had to do as told, meeting his swollen, red eyes, "I know how much you love us. You might not say it with words but knowing that you're ready to sacrifice your life to protect us tells me more than you think. I know how much you love us and I assure you, she's not gonna hurt me or Zeppelin."

"He's just an innocent kid," you whispered, "And you didn't ask to be a part in any of this."

"Hey, you said it yourself," Jensen sniffled, tugging at the sleeve of his hoodie and wiping your tears, "You said it yourself, she knows how to get to you. She didn't have a weapon. She dragged me into an alley but all she did was hit me in the stomach once. She threatened to kill me right there but she didn't have a weapon."

"She has one back in Y/H/C. What if she brought it in?"

"There's no way she could have," Jensen shook his head, "Only weapon she could get is a kitchen knife."

"That's more than enough to harm people."

"That's not the point I'm trying to make," he said, "I'm trying to tell you that she's not going to hurt us because she's bluffing. She didn't have balls to hit me again. She retracted as soon as I pushed her away. She was scared. I told her we're not as stupid as she takes us for and something in her expression changed and she became more reserved."

"She's not scared, just waiting to bait you. If you were to make a move, she'd report you to the police. And that would throw all of your work to get into the foster care system down the drain and she'd win."

"Well, she's got nothing to report me for because I just gently pushed her away in self-defense. She's not going to hurt us and she's not going to win. Dee and the kids will be here until this all is sorted out and until you become an Ackles."

"You know that might not happen."

"It will happen one way or another. Besides, I don't care what a stupid paper says. You're an Ackles and that's a done deal," Jensen said, finally breaking a soft smile, "We're gonna win. We're scared and that's okay. And what we feel is okay too and there's no shame in that. But we'll win. Just like Mish said. It might take a while, it might hurt, but we will win."

"I love you," you whispered, going to hug him again, "I love you so much."

"I love you too, kiddo," he said, squeezing you tight to his chest, "She's not gonna get us. She doesn't have one important thing."

"What?"

"Love," he smiled, kissing your temple. "She isn't driven by love. She might as well stick her money, fame, and insults where the Sun shines. Love will win. Always."

"Thank you," you said, burrowing your head into his shoulder, "For everything you do."

"There's nothing to thank me for, kiddo. It's my job to protect you."

A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY @crasmuna ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S A BELATED BDAY PRESENT FROM ME TO YOU (don't kill me pls (but then if you do you won't find out what happens hehe)) SINCE YOU LIVE SO FUCKING FAR AWAY AND I CAN'T GIFT YOU AN ACTUAL PRESENT AND GIVE YOU A HUG. Thanks for being there for me and keep being the amazing human being you are!!! Oh, also, we're in our 20s, when are we talking about options for nursery homes?

[savventeen]

OOH IF YOU'RE STILL TAKING ASKS FOR THE TROPE THING can i get vernon and like you two are assigned partners on an art project but he's awful at art LMFAO okay thank love you xx

JJ BELOVED HI HELLO I AM FINALLY GETTING AROUND TO THIS <333333

okay first of all i LOVE this idea skfjllkdfl this would definitely be a fun, comedic, romcom nonsense fic hehehe

i'm picturing this being set in like, a fucking calculus class and this project is the professor's way of trying to "bring more creativity to the sciences" or whatever. and vernon's just like. 'dude. how on earth is making a collage...sculpture...thing... supposed to help me learn calculus???' no one in the class really gets it either, since they can just, you know, do the math without having to create anything. but whatever, a little arts n crafts never hurt anyone [spoiler alert: it maybe hurts someone *cough*vernon*cough* a little at some point]

anyway, vernon ends up being partnered up with reader who, thank god, actually has an idea for what they can do for their project and also talks like someone who knows about art. in fact, they seem really into art and like, super pumped for this project. which is great! except, they're also really cute? and like, they're maybe kinda sorta the person he's been lowkey crushing on from afar since last semester???

and because having a crush sometimes makes you say/do stupid things, he tells reader that he can totally help with the art portion, easy peasy. [narrator voice: it was not, in fact, easy peasy] queue montage of the week leading up to when they're supposed to meet up again: - vernon desperately watching all kinds of youtube videos trying to learn how to Art™️ - him walking into a Michael's and just being so lost and overwhelmed that he just. has a bit of an existential crisis in the fabric section - he somehow manages to accidently cut himself with a pair of scissors while trying to do some kind of papercraft thing and has to go to the nurse's office. - his roommate (let's make it chan for funsies) is convinced that he's having some kind of mental breakdown "hyung, i don't know what to do, he's just staring at a pile of children's playdough like it holds the secrets of the universe. or maybe like it killed his pet goldfish. i don't know, he's just being weird."

all of this leads up to when reader and vernon meet up again to present their 'prototypes' of the art part of the project so they can decide which they like better and then start actually working on it. reader is already at the cafe they agreed to meet at, and vernon (sleep deprived and already overly caffeinated) walks up to where reader is sitting, drops his sad attempt at art on the table, and blurts "i lied about being good at art because you're really cute and it broke my brain a little bit and i'm actually really, really bad at it. i'm so sorry." and then he fucking WALKS AWAY because he's a LOSER and you were extra cute today and his brain is still a bit broken and reader ends up having to chase him down the street, his shitty attempt at art clutched in one hand, to tell him that it's fine, they can handle the art part as long as he does his fair share of the math

"and like. maybe i could, teach you? sometime? if you want to learn, that is. and i'm not the best artist, but i've taught some summer camp classes before, and—" / "wait, you'd really wanna do that? after seeing how bad at it i am?" / "well... it means i'd get to spend some extra time with you outside of school, so... yeah"

vernon of course readily agrees, and they start going on little art dates together (and yes, they're Date dates bc vernon finally gets his shit together and asks them out) and they get a solid B- on the project bc while reader is great at art, turns out neither of them are the best at math rip </3

[send me a person and a trope/au and i'll tell you what kind of plot i'd write for them]

[reverie-starlight]

hello, hope ure doing well :D may i please request an akaashi fic where the reader is going thru grief of the passing of their mother and can’t focus in class leading onto low grades for their semester exam making them feel even worse bc that’s not what their mom wants (reader always gets good grades) and reader feels like a disappointment and just breaks down one day?? i’m so sorry if this is too specific, just finding it hard to cope and no one understands!! thank you so much <3

ANON I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG, but I have literally been dealing with exactly what you requested (still am, but now I'm on reading week so :P). And since I'm literally writing this immediately after a rough grieving session of my own, I feel like now I can tackle it and do it justice. bc... as someone who also used to get good grades before my mom died then started almost failing everything after... this hits hard!!

And just another little side note, I'm so sorry for your loss. if you ever want to reach out to talk to someone who's going through the same thing, my inbox or my messages are always open <3 dead mom club solidarity !! thank you so much for your request, anon and again i'm SO sorry this took so long.

{Grades and Grief- Akaashi}

warnings: death of mother (mentioned and focused on, no descriptive details), depression/grief, anxiety, this counts as hurt/comfort right? fluff and lots of support from akaashi. university life needs to be a warning tbh so its here.

gn!reader, timeskip!akaashi (except it's more like, in between the time skip cause it's university)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

your heart dropped as you opened your emails and saw that the grades for your midterms had been posted.

on one hand you were hopeful. maybe you did better than you expected? maybe you would open up the online portal and see that you passed. just a pass, that's all you were hoping for at this point.

you ignored the way your stomach twisted at the fact that all you wanted was a pass. you used to be at the top of your classes in high school, and now you were barely scraping by.

but deep down you knew it would be a failing grade. it was getting impossible to hope for anything better. you could barely find it in yourself to go to class some days, let alone actually study. it required more brain power than you could expend.

and on the days you did go to class, you felt like a zombie. mindless, lethargic, stupid. definitely not in any condition to take notes that were good enough to aid you.

you opened the email and sighed. another fail. you tried to convince yourself that you'd do better next time. that you'd start studying earlier, you'd go to your professor's office hours and ask questions, you'd do the work that needed to be done.

your future was at stake, why couldn't you just put in the the work-

this was one test in one class. there would be other chances to raise your grade.

breathe.

how many times can I keep telling myself that before I stop believing it? before it becomes an empty promise?

breathe. you'll be okay.

it's self-sabotage, how much longer can I just stay like this? mom wouldn't have wanted this for me. she'd want to see me succeed. I'm such a-

breathe.

you tried to do exactly what your boyfriend kept telling you: be kind to yourself. "you're grieving the death of someone who was supposed to be there your whole life. the one person you never thought would leave. it's completely natural to be struggling with your mental health right now. don't be mean to yourself." is what he had said. "take the time to feel what you need to feel, bottling it up will only make it worse."

you sighed and curled yourself into a ball on your bed. you were finding it hard to breathe.

feel what you need to feel, huh? when was the last time you had a good cry session, anyway?

the tightness in your chest only grew as you started to tear up. you tried to keep the thoughts of being a disappointment to your mother away, but you glanced at the picture of her smiling face on your nightstand and winced.

if she could see you know, you wondered if she would be angry or comforting.

grieving was one of the loneliest experiences anyone could ever deal with. unique to each person, not one person to share the same memories with, becoming acutely aware of your own timeline. and not something that happens often to young people. none of your friends understood. they could try, but they'd never get it. and sometimes you felt like they didn't even care enough to attempt it.

you've never felt more alone and you've never been more aware of it.

"and if you ever need comfort, I don't know how much help I'll be, but I'm always here to listen. it's never going to be too much."

so instead of dwelling on it, you picked up your phone and called the one person who would.

it took three rings for akaashi to pick up.

the smile in his voice immediately soothed you. anything related to your boyfriend felt like a blanket to you. comforting, warm and soft. "hello, my love, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

you sniffed and tried to get some words out without choking up. "keiji," his name came out pitifully.

"oh sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"can you come over, please? I need you."

"of course I can, I'll be right there. I love you."

"I love you, please be careful."

the second you hung up the phone, you let more tears fall freely. you didn't even know what you were crying about anymore, there were so many emotions mixed up inside you. but for some reason you didn't want to fully let loose while you were alone. you wanted comfort when you were at your most vulnerable- comfort and validation you weren't capable of giving yourself in that moment. there was only one other person who could give you that now.

while you waited, you thought more about your mother. it really wasn't fair that you had to lose her, why did she have to go? it didn't matter how long it had been since she passed, this type of pain will be everlasting, you thought.

ten minutes later you heard the door to your apartment unlock and you got up to greet him. he had a bunch of bags in his arms that he set down the minute he saw you walk out of your room.

he held his arms open and you crashed into him immediately. finally you felt safe enough to let the dam break. akaashi shushed you as you sobbed into his chest, rubbing your back gently and whispering soft affirmations into your ears.

"what happened, my love?"

"I- I failed another test," you hiccupped. "and I don't know what to do to help myself get out of this hole."

"oh dear... it's going to be okay."

he tenderly picked you up and carried you to the bedroom and you continued to cry into his shoulder. his heart broke at the sound of your whimpers.

once you were both settled comfortably on your bed, you took one of his hands and played with his fingers. "keiji, am I a disappointment?"

he shook his head before you could even finish speaking. "never."

"I just feel like I'm letting so many people down, myself included, but mainly my mom... her one request throughout my whole life was that I do my best in school. and now I'm failing and I can't help but think-" your voice cracked and he cupped your cheek with his other hand.

"baby, look at me. you are not a disappointment, okay? you are so far from that ever even being a possibility. and she would be so proud of you."

you looked up at him and your eyes widened. "but I'm not living up to her expectations-"

"you're doing your best. she would understand that."

"I'm not, though!" a flash of red hot anger ran through you. "I'm not doing my best! If I were doing my best, I'd be passing. I'd be studying, paying attention in my classes and not just staying in bed. not just staring at the ceiling and dissociating for hours when I need to be working on assignments. I'm not doing my best and I don't know how to fix it!" instead of getting upset at you for blowing up, he just listened to what you were saying.

as you got up to pace the room, you kept ranting. "I know something needs to change, I can't keep going on like this, but it's like I'm stuck, keiji, I don't know what to do and I'm so angry. and I'm tired, exhausted, actually. I hate this, I feel useless. I'm in limbo. I don't know why I can't force myself to change, but I'm absolutely not doing my best."

true anger wasn't an emotion you felt often before your mom died, but now you were well acquainted with it. you thanked your lucky stars you scored a partner as patient as akaashi.

"have you considered that you're doing the best with what you have right now?"

you paused and looked at him. "what?"

he shifted and took your hand. "my love, you've been through something extremely traumatic. you've told me before that you've been in survival mode for a very long time now. that's not your fault. you can't control it on your own. keeping that in mind, you absolutely are doing your best. you get up and keep going everyday. even though it scares you. you're still kind, and actively striving to be a good person. this rough patch is temporary, everything will be okay. she would be proud of you for everything you've overcome so far."

you bit your lip and looked down, shaking your head. "what if this is 'my best' forever? what if I'm not capable of changing anymore?"

"anyone is capable of change at any given time, my love, you're the one who told me that. I promise you, everything will be okay. and besides," he tugged your hand to guide you onto his lap. "the willingness to change and not just refuse to heal is there."

"but what if it takes too long?"

"it won't. there's no such thing as too long, everyone's healing process is different. and you have me by your side as well, ready to help however you need." he finished his speech with a kiss to your nose and you smiled a bit.

"...thank you, keiji. I love you."

"I love you too, dear. I'll be here as long as you'll let me."

"forever, if that's alright with you?"

"of course, my love." his arms tightened around you.

"can we stay like this for a bit longer?"

"mhmm, you've had a big day. we can cuddle for as long as you need."

you buried your face into the crook of his neck and planted a few kisses. "I love you,"

he kissed the top of your head. "I love you too, sweetheart."

you repeated the phrase over and over again, smiling a little wider each time he returned the sentiment with a kiss to your face.

"can I ask you one more thing?"

"go ahead."

"are you proud of me despite me failing so much this year?"

"I'm so proud of you, baby. nothing would ever change that."

looking up at him with wide eyes, he just smiled and leaned down to kiss your lips. "so proud of my baby. always trying their best. so sweet, so kind, just needs to be loved on a little extra sometimes. all mine."

a happy sigh was released, and with it, most of the tension in your body, so you rested against your boyfriend. "all yours."

you felt a lot better now. not perfect, and still uncertain about some things, but at least with akaashi there you knew you didn't have to go it alone.

~BONUS SCENE~

after a while of cuddling in bed, a thought hit you and you shot up, obviously in a clearer, less fuzzy state of mind.

"love, what were all those bags you had earlier? did you stop somewhere before you came?"

his eyes widened a bit and a blush spread over his cheeks. "yes and no. uh... before you called, I was actually picking us up some food and other things for a stay-in date night. I was planning on surprising you today."

you could have burst into tears again at how cute his confession was. "keijiiiii, you're so sweet!" you ran your fingers through his hair a bit and he melted into the touch. "what a sweet boy I have," you cooed.

he made a noise of protest and you giggled. "can we go see what you bought? please?"

he nodded and smiled at you. he was so glad you seemed to be in better spirits now. there wasn't anything akaashi keiji wouldn't do to see you happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this was literally just me projecting holy shit. that was really a look inside my brain, wow. but anon I hope you enjoyed it!! and I hope it was worth the wait, I'm so so so so sorry it took so long. this is the first thing I've managed to write in a while (and I wrote this all in one sitting!!). But the ask was very therapeutic for me, I really need this type of validation :'D

[the-cookie-of-doom]

for a while now, I've really been doubting my career choices with nursing. I know a lot of it is burn out and depression, and being so overwhelmed between work, school, and clinical, that I didn't have time to breathe. I was in the hospital/on campus for 60 hours a week last semester, and that's not counting the time I had to study outside of that. It was awful. I quit my job because of it, I was almost involuntarily committed because of it.

But the scariest part for me has been how much I've hated clinical. It makes me miserable. And that's terrifying, because once I graduate? That's what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. So if I already hate it now, what does that mean for my future?

Sometimes, though... Sometimes I'll have a clinical that is just so good, it reminds me of why I'm doing this. Why I'm putting myself through the pain and suffering of becoming a nurse, which is honestly one of the hardest careers a person can have. It's mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. It destroys your body and your mental health. Most of the time it's thankless. It doesn't pay nearly enough for what we go through.

Despite all of the reasons there are not to become a nurse, there are some patients that will remind you why it's all worth it anyway.

Last week, I had a crotchety old bitch of a patient. She had been in the hospital for 10 days, was refusing all of her treatments, screamed at anyone that came in her room, and demanded dilaudid around the clock, despite having no injuries to justify it. Everyone hated her. Her own nurses went in her room as little as possible; I think in the entire 12 hours I was there, her nurse spent maybe a total of 20 minutes in her room. I was in there for hours. A couple minutes at a time in the beginning just so she could warm up to me. Then I spent 2 straight hours at her bedside just talking to her. Letting her tell me her life story. Which was tragic, of course, and no wonder she was so run down and bitter and wanted to get high off narcotics. She was miserable, lonely, and in chronic pain from a body that was deteriorating around her.

So I spent as much time with her as possible. Sure enough, she didn't ask me for any pain medications a single time, once she realized she could trust I was going to look after her. I Explained her medications and her treatments, and the reasoning behind them. I offered to reach out to out chaplain when I noticed she was hyper focused on some televangical broadcast. I got her to call her son to come visit her. I got her to agree to take her medications and allow us to take blood sample for her labs, which were days overdue. I got her up and working with physical therapy so she could start walking again.

By the end of the day, that patient loved me. Not a single complaint all day, she wasn't screaming down the halls and cursing everyone's existence. She was still crotchety and mean in that way old hillbillies are, but she wasn't angry. She wasn't lashing out. She was finally being cooperative. All because I took the time to talk to her and offer her company.

Tonight, I had a shift in our mental health unit. There was a patient who I noticed was very withdrawn and avoiding everyone, mostly just standing in a corner at the end of the hall, by a window. I went down and talked to him. Kind of stilted at first, but slowly he opened up to me. I really only meant to talk for a few minutes, mostly for my own sake, to get used to interacting with mental health patients like this.

Instead, we talked for hours. Nearly 3 hours straight at the start of the day alone, and then more throughout the day. My feet were killing me by the end of it, but it was completely worth it to see the way this poor guy came to life. We talked about everything from social topics like music and movies, to his medications and treatments, and how to manage his depression once he leaves. Something I was able to connect with him about on a personal level in a way his nurse hadn't, because I've been living with depression for a decade, I've been on antidepressants, and I understand. I think that was the point it clicked for him, when he really started reaching out to me, instead of answering when I prompted him. Because humans need connection and understanding.

By the end of the day he was talking freely and smiling nearly non-stop. We'd made plans for him to get back into an old hobby he hadn't touched in years, and he seemed genuinely excited to start it back up again. He was nearly bouncing in place when I went to say goodbye to him at the end of the night, and thanked me for talking to him all day. Even the staff nurses noticed the way his demeanor had completely changed.

Another patient (my actual patient for the night) started the day very combative. To the point she had to be redirected to her room (not locked up, just strongly encouraged to go and cool down). She was screaming at everyone, having some very serious and severe delusions. Same story; I talked to her throughout the day, little bits whenever she was feeling calm. I noticed she had a tattoo from an old semi-niche XBox game I used to play, and we bonded over that. By the end of the shift she loved me. Kept asking me if I'd gotten lunch/dinner, made sure all the other patients on the unit got their snacks, told us all to get some rest once it was curfew for the unit (we had to stay another 2 hours) and said we could use the spare bed in her room if we needed. Which sounds really weird but coming from her was incredibly sweet. Again, total attitude change.

I am very cognizant of the fact that the way I approach my patient care is largely a privilege of still being a student. It's easy for me to stand at a patient's bedside for 2 hours straight and listen to her life story when I have nothing better to do, let alone 3 other patients to take care of. But that nurse didn't talk to her at all. Even when she was in the room, she dismissed everything the patient said. The mental health nurses? Most of their time is spent in the nursing station gossiping and messing on their phones. There's no reason for them not to put in the extra effort of spending time with their patients. And especially there, it can have such an impact.

All of that is to say, I love the relationships I'm able to build with my patients. It's so important for me to be able to connect with people like this, to make them feel seen and cared for and important. No one wants to be treated like an inconvenience, especially not while they're in the hospital, sick and hurt and exhausted and in pain.

Nights like these are why I'm going into this field. I love medicine and I always knew I would end up in the hospital, I've always wanted to be able to save someone's life. But I think now that I've grown up and I'm actually working with these patients, I've come to see not only how rewarding it is to save someone's life, but to nurture that life, too.

[sab-teraa]

Tye Talks: A Diary Entry

(22/02/24 || 22:58 pm)

Good evening friends, I hope you are all well and having a lovely Thursday! Just one more day till the weekend! Yay <3

Inspired by the lovely @the-winds-of-destiny-xxx , I've decided to start blogging about my day. Hopefully, I will be able to stay up to date lol.

Work

Ugh, I've been up since 5am prepping myself to deliver my second lecture of the semester. It went well, kinda. The students were super interactive which is great. Application + practicality > regurgitating information. They did super well. Also, we have a new HoD, and while I really liked our previous heads, the new HoD is a breath of fresh air and I really enjoy their approach towards education.

My full-time job is actually soooo … atm. My colleague has resigned which is all cool and I wish her the best.

But, there’s a trend I’ve noticed recently within our organization … and I hope it does not present any problems in the future. Tbh, I think it has presented a problem before … but idk. Anyway, constructive criticism goes a long long way … only if you’re keen and willing to learn …. which this person defo is NOT.

Enough about my colleagues, the CEO presented me with an opportunity but I'm lowkey nervous .. bc I prefer being a private + somewhat anonymous person lol, but I obviously said yes. Let's see how it goes, anything can happen and this whole project might fall through. Especially in this economy.

All in all, I really love my job and the career path I’ve taken. I hope it does not backfire on me later on in life.

Uni

Gosh. Uni is the bane of my existence atm. Tho, i did make a bit of progress on my thesis today. I know exactly what I need to do, but I just don't have the motivation to it. But, I think I've finally got myself together .. so let's see what happens.

Also, I'm so grateful for my thesis supervisor <3 she is so understanding and supportive.

Health

Is this tmi? Maybe? Apologies if so?

But, my nose and throat have been KILLING me recently? Idk if it’s bc of the fan or what … but yup. Thank god for cloves! They’ve helped wayyyy more than anything else I’ve tried lol. Also, my pms is really starting to hit 😭😭 I’ve been in soooo much pain since I got back home.

My mentally, I’m doing okay … there’s obvs moments in the day where I’m like shit?? I’m an adult adult?? Yet my life feels so stagnant 😂 but then I try to keep it moving and not think so much about what I want … and I try to focus on what I do have…. bc I’ve done my best.

Fun and mundane

I finally got to go to my first gym class of the week - I really needed that! The housewives from my class invited me for smoothies afterwards … and they are so fun! Are they my mums age mates? Yes 😂😂 but I loved hanging out with them .. they truly live in their own bubble .. I wanna be exactly like them when I’m older lol.

Oh Oh! And I finally finished the second season of Al Rawabi School for Girls ... flip, it truly broke my heart. What an amazing show.

I really wanted to start the new season of Real Housewives of Durban … but the new Showmax app is truly YUCK! I have the ick 🫠🫠 but, I love the show waaaaay too much, so I’d probs get over it soon lol.

Other than gym and catching up on tv, I made a delicious lasagna for dinner. I'm convinced that my homemade meat sauce and cheese sauce remains undefeated, or maybe that's just me being cocky lol. If I had more space, I would have defo attempted to make the pasta too.

I'm super excited for this weekend bc my friends and I are going to this art and music event and getting food afterwards. I also really wanna buy that duvet set I saw online ... since I'm no longer purchasing an apartment (recession boo boo boo 🍅🍅🍅), I may as well just re-do my current apartment lol. It already looks great, but I've been putting off getting a new duvet set bc I presumed I was gonna buy a bigger bed lol... so I've just been rotating between the two sets I have ... and damn they've seen better days lol.

Relationships

After all he has been through, my brother finally has some great things happening. I am so proud of him. I know he will achieve everything he aspires to <3 This has also done wonders for his self-confidence, he truly needed this, and I hope ... I really hope that it stays on this positive track.

Positive family news aside, idk if anyone saw the post about my uncle? But god damn I'm annoyed af. (Side note: He is my mums cousin btw; but my entire family is close). Anyway, my uncle called my mum to rant … and according to my mum he was sooooo proud of what he said to his wife??? I’m just disgusted. Idk how. His wife could forgive him for this. I’m so glad my mum put him in his place ✋🏽✋🏽✋🏽

I know its not about me and I have no right to speak on other people's relationships, but I hate seeing people put their all into a relationship and even go against their own family to be with someone ... only for their partner to treat them like this. His wife deserves soooooo much better and its sooo heartbreaking that she has to go through. My heart truly breaks for her. I pray everything works out for her.

Conclusion

Anywho … if you made it this far! Thank you for reading my ramblings <3 wishing you a lovely day! Stay safe babes 😘

[evanpeterswifeyyy]

Personal Beef/ Vent Stuff. Absolute behemoth of drama, read at your own discretion

warning! topics of clear mental issues, sa, excessive yapping, lying, sexual content, drugs (weed)

lowkey might delete this if I regret it but oh well

I need to air this out into the void before I go insane because just talking about it with irl moots is not enough, and journaling isn't the same to me, and doesn't feel right. This is gonna be long, so buckle up buttercups.

Ok, so a little background.

I will be referring to this person as Amanda for privacy sake.

Me and Amanda have known each other since about third grade. We used to be friends for about a year around that time, but things went south when I realized that she had some major anger issues and lied about a lot of things. Obviously, we were children so it was petty stuff, but it was real for me at the time, and overall I just don't respect liars. It's something I was grown up on.

We stopped being friends in about fourth grade when she threatened me with violence, but became friends again about a year or two later when we were forced back together because of after school activities. I accepted that maybe she had changed and matured during that time, but things had only gotten worse.

During this time she lied to me about being one of the most popular animators on Youtube at the time. Childish, yes. But I was also a kid and a huge fan of said Youtuber at the time. I believed this lie for a few years until I pieced things together, the inconsistencies with her "proof" about animations and the fact that she only showed her drawings on paper. This isn't super important to the story, but it sets a start of a long pattern of attention seeking and lying.

Also at this time, we were going through puberty. We were both exploring our sexuality and gender expression, and there were inappropriate topics brought up. I have never been super comfortably talking directly about explicit content, at least not when I'm not the one trying to engage that sort of conversation. It's a very specific circumstance to me. (I'm saying this because it's important for later). Amanda used to pull up inappropriate material in front of me and we would laugh about as pre-teens do.

Eventually we stopped being friends again, I don't remember exactly why this time though. Just know that we wouldn't speak again until middle school.

During about eighth grade I believe, a new kid (we'll call him Jack), joined a few weeks into the beginning of the semester. I became friends with him because a large friend group I was in during that time were all friendly with him already. I ignored a growing gut feeling about him because all my friends liked him and also he had a more alternative style that I enjoyed. Only a few weeks into knowing him, he would begin dating Amanda, and me and good chunk of my friend group having known her since elementary school began to warn him about her pattern of behavior.

He brushed us off and we all started arguing with him about how we had known her for years and they had been dating for weeks, yet he kept arguing that she had "changed" (unsurprisingly she had not). He also told us that she had claimed that we didn't like her because she was too "caring". Which was obviously a complete lie. Eventually we gave up after finding out that he had his own problems, like believing that bullying fat people was a valid way to make people lose weight to "save them" from health issues.

Fast forward a few weeks that year and we began hearing rumors of them doing...things, in public in the school. ie the library, bathroom, locker rooms, etc. I knew that Amanda was already a slightly sexual person, but not to this extent. So I became worried, it was out of character even for her. I knew what it was like to have rumors spread that ruined reputations, so I wanted to confirm if they were true or not and see what was going on.

Amanda confirmed that yes, most of the rumors were true. I was of course then worried she was being pressured, and she sent me a long message that essentially implied that she was and that he was coming onto her all the time without her full consent. At that age, I knew what that meant and that it was serious. So I told an adult about what happened and reported the situation to proper authority (not the police, there was no evidence of actual assault). She received a call and so did Jack, and after that, she thanked me for doing and I believed all was solved and well. Oh boy, I was severely mistaken.

After that, I would begin to occasionally check in on her and see how things were doing, only dipping my toes into a friendship. I told her that I only wanted to be acquaintances, still traumatized from our past friendships. She agreed and understood, but eventually we got to highschool and we became inseparable. The most we had ever been friends. Amanda had never stopped dating Jack. We began having issues already a month later when they started dating on and off, leading into highschool.

To keep things short about their messy relationship, she would come to me all the time and talk about her relationship with Jack. She would tell me when they broke up, would bring him up if they were back together, told me all the times he supposedly cheated on her (conversation from a few months ago now implies that he may not actually have, but I can't say for sure.).

It got to the point where every month they broke up for a week and then got back together, and during that time they would both sleep around, Amanda would find out and then tell me how she was talking to a girl he had been with during/ between their relationship and we would both become friends with said girl. Every single time, Amanda introduced me to them. Every time, Amanda told me about it herself. Everything I know about their relationship is from her mouth (this is important).

During our friendship, I knew 3 girls that Jack had been with. But there was one that stood out in particular. We'll call her Susie.

Susie met Jack and one day they were hanging out at someone's house, Jack smokes weed big time and offered some to Susie for her first time. (She had never smoked before). She ended up greening out, and became conscious to him trying coerce her into doing stuff with him. She obviously didn't want to, and I don't know if things went any further. I remember it not, but the point is, he at least tried to assault her.

Susie told both me and Amanda about this situation and we all talked about it. Obviously mortified, I hoped that this information would finally keep the toxic relationship of Amanda and Jack officially broken. But alas, it did not.

Eventually we all drifted apart, and during that time they kept breaking up and getting back together over and over again. It was genuinely exhausting because I'm not exaggerating when I say 90% of our conversations were about Jack, and most were instigated by Amanda. So I knew essentially every detail as soon as it came about.

I found out later/ during this time that Amanda was also doing the same thing to some mutuals we had, and I talked with them about what was going on. Amanda later claims that me talking between these friends that already knew was "spreading rumors". Despite the fact that they were facts that came from her mouth, and were only shared to people we both knew or that already knew because of her.

There were a few times (and I also found out later that this happened to other friends of mine as well, more people I know that I haven't even spoken to about it) where she would show me private photos of her and Jack. Their entire relationship was and is very sexual. A lot of the positive conversations Amanda had about Jack was about how they had slept together, or when they were broken up she said word for word to me that she was "addicted to sex" so she was sleeping around between their breakup. As time went on, their relationship became more and more physical after middle school.

These photos that Amanda showed me were very explicit, and I never gave my full consent to seeing them nor had the rational mind at the time to consent. I brushed off because we were friends still, but looking back, I'm disgusted and I feel disgusting. This is something i feel she brushes off a lot just because I didn't say no.

And it doesn't help her case that I was not the only one to see these photos, and without explicit consent.

By the end of Freshman year, I tried to break the friendship off. I was becoming exhausted and couldn't keep up anymore. I had a conversation with her directly about it, but the very next day it was ignored and she kept talking to me. By the beginning of Sophomore year we had officially gotten into our first full argument over Jack and their relationship and everything that happened and stopped being friends.

There are details between then, but lets fast forward to now. We still have mutual friends, like a lot. And what I've noticed is that every time my name is mentioned by someone or a photo of me is shown, she begins a tirade about how I'm a bad person, and how I was "spreading rumors". She was apparently upset with me for "getting involved with her business", despite the fact that she always included me in and told me about it--and never once said I couldn't tell anyone. Especially when I knew she was telling other people the same information.

There were a few more arguments, mainly over text as usual, but eventually the arguing ended. I had thought.

I've heard from friends many of times how she brings me up, which I want to say--I barely talk about her or think about her anymore. The only time I do is when I actually see her, or someone is talking to me about her. Which I never tell any of our business to people who don't already know either of us, and I don't bring it up unprompted. And no, I don't mean I talk about when her name is brought up or there's a photo of her. I only talk about what happened if someone is already telling about something she did to them, or they ask me about it because she was talking about me to them.

Now we have today.

Today I received a message from a close friend of mine that informed me she was still talking about me to my friends.

Here's how it happened:

She posted on her social media alluding to me, about how she was upset that we had mutual friends because I'm a "bad" and "problematic" person (for caring about her well-being and toxic relationship she threw me in the middle of).

I feel the same way, the issue here is, I don't talk about it. I don't. I don't go to my friends and talk about it and try to sway them away from her, I don't post on my social media (except for now, but tumblr is more like a public diary to me) about it, and I don't bring her up every time I see her face or in my friend's following. Not even if she's in their posts or comments and dms.

I have no idea what prompted her to make the post, but I do know that the same post prompted my friend (we'll call her Trish) to message her and ask her what it was about. She began talking about me (the details I'm not aware of), and then Trish came to me and told me about it. I told Trish my side of the story, and she believed me and told me she already didn't enjoy being friends with Amanda and didn't believe her because me and Trish are much closer.

Fed up at this point, I go onto an unblocked account and message Amanda, respectfully and as kindly as possible, asking her to stop talking about me--especially to my friends. She tells me a bold faced lie that she was in fact not trying to turn my friends against me, but no matter how many times she says she's not trying to control the fact that her friends are mine as well, it is very obvious that's not actually the case from the amount she talks about me, and how my friends have described/ shown her talking about me.

She tells me that she is just explaining what I did wrong to her, and I'm still in the dark of what exactly I did to upset her specifically and how she thinks I'm the bad guy, so respectfully (again), I ask her and try to have a conversation that may finally settle the bad blood between us so we can both finally go our separate ways and I can stop hearing about this. But no, as soon as I ask she blocks me.

I find out she has posted MULTIPLE posts alluding to me again, a final one saying (paraphrasing) "normalize talking things out. Something that hurts other still exists even if you don't realize it". Which is ironic, because I was fully aware she was upset and hurt and acknowledge that in my message, and was trying to have a civil discussion about it. She also has never recognized the fact that she has done things to hurt me as well.

All this is to say, AMANDA I KNOW YOU WON'T EVER SEE THIS AND I RLLY HOPE YOU DON'T, BUT I'M TIRED. PLEASE FUCKING DROP IT AND LET ME LIVE IN PEACE.

Istg this gets brought up to me every few months and I'm genuinely done with it. I can't do it anymore.

Her and Jack are still together and are still having issues to this day and somehow I just cannot escape her mouth. All I have to say anymore, is that if she wants me out of her business, she can keep my name out of her mouth--and I'll give her the same respect.

If you listened to this unholy yap session, thanks. I'm actually exhausted from all this drama and I wish it would end already, but I know it's gonna resurface all over again and I'm going to have to explain to another friend that what she says about me isn't true and she's twisting what happened.

Some side notes:

She retracted Susie's statement about being practically assaulted, and genuinely used "well they made up and are friends now" as an excuse for not breaking up with him after what he did. She also claimed that because I told people about her boyfriend essentially being a rworder, I was "telling her story when it's not my place", when Amanda was the one going around and telling everyone. I had not mentioned Susie's name once when I told people, I just told them what he had done. Amanda was the one associating her with it and also told her that I was talking to people inside the group Amanda had told. And to be fair, I told people who I knew would not spread that kind of thing to anyone else but to me and the people involved. Susie ended up messaging me about it because of Amanda, and I explained to her the situation and everything was fine. I'm not sure if Susie and Jack being friends afterwards is true, and I can't confirm with her anymore because she either blocked me or deleted her Instagram. I'm still in close contact with one of Susie's close friends who joined in on the conversation during the time to this day though.

Whenever they broke up and she told me the reason (usually cheating or arguments) I would tell her that it's good they're not together anymore because of that (and I would also bring up the past issues they had as well, adding to the list each time) and that they should stay broken up this time. Every single time she told me "yeah, you're right" and agreed, and then went on to talk shit about Jack with me, before getting back together with him again a week later. And I would only ever find out because she would begin talking about him positively again unprompted, or about the last time they had sex. She apparently still does this same exact thing to her friends to this day, because the mutuals she's still "friends" with (most of them that I talk to say they are actually fake friends I find out, which is crazy to me, because so far it's been most of her friends) tell me how they have the same exact behavior from her after I tell them how she acted around me. Most of her conversations with people are always about her and Jack and especially how they're always supposedly having sex. It's so strange and vile.

Really hoping talking about this on here doesn't bring me some bad karma or anything. I don't even care if no one reads this, I just need to get it out and have someone other than 10 of the same people know about it. I need a fresh opinion, someone not involved or with personal ties.

[eternalcelestialchaos]

8/19/24 - 8/30/24

Okay, so this is my first ever formal post, feels kinda weird. I kinda wanna have pics for each post I make, but I don't make any promises.

So it's been two weeks since the semester started! A bit bittersweet since it's my last year of college. But overall, these weeks have been going well. My classes are chill so far and I hope they stay that way. I am in another design course this semester, so I'm gonna try to post pictures from that! It's designing communication circuits.

I've also set the goal of socializing more this year and I've been doing pretty well at that! I've been to a few club meetings and campus events so far. Pretty tiring (I'm an introvert with anxiety lol), but I'd say it's worth it so far. I've met new people and that's pretty fun.

I also finally feel like an adult, which is pretty ironic. I've been realizing how far I've come in a lot of ways, and I'm pretty proud of myself. It's scared the shit out of me for a long time (still does), but maybe I truly will be okay. My birthday is around the corner (the 5th!), so we'll see how I feel then.

Overall, I feel pretty good so far with some minor mental hiccups :)

[byyliss]

I might take a break from college. That's what I want anyway.

So I've been anxious when going to college for awhile now, for the last semesters I completely lost interest in going, I aas trying to power through just to get the diploma, but now it's becoming too much. For the past weeks just the thought of going to college makes me anxious, it's not a good time for me at all.

I'm barely able to sleep at night, always tossing and turning, and when I eventually fall asleep, I wake up with headaches and my body hurts from my muscles getting incredibly tense. A bunch of times I just started loosing my breath and having my heart beat so fast it feels like I'm dying. Obviously it's not the college's fault I'm a mess mentally, but it's one of the main causes. The other being unemployment.

It's just, I have no friends there. Sure one or two people know me and say hi when I pass by, but it's classmate behaviour, not really people that will go out of their way to talk to me or invite me to hang out. Everytime it's me who makes an effort to talk and the whole time it feels like I'm being an annoying parasite. My classes also aren't much better, I dont feel motivated to go and do stuff, especially when it's a 2 hour bus ride.

I'm probably sounding extremely annoying and bratty, but this stuff makes me extremely anxious. I just want a break.

I want to learn things in my own pace and things I want. I want to get a job. I feel like college right now its just this cinder block that is dragging me deeper into the water to drown.

I'm trying to convince my parents to at least eat me take the semester off, I need to reorganize my life, get back on my feet, maybe fiz my broken ass brain.

Sorry for the long rant, I'm just so tired.

[pbandjesse]

I suffered with my allergies all last night and it was terrible. I would wake up at 730 without an alarm just so dried out and uncomfortable. It was not a fun way to get up.

I would get up to get some water and wash my face. And I felt. Fine. I didn't have as much energy as yesterday. But that was fine. I didn't have as many things on my mental list.

I had a piece of cornbread for breakfast again. And started figuring out how I was going to attack the day. It was going to be very warm and I would take advantage of that later on.

I made my outfits for the week. And end t downstairs to start pulling out the stuff for the music festival market next weekend. I am frustrated that my pet shop idea isn't coming together the way I wanted. I maybe have a plan but still I was struggling with it.

I would make a list for all the things I would be selling. And would finish up the mice I started last week. They all have tails now. And I got more pins made up. They aren't all the way done yet but that shouldn't take long. I just struggled to stay motivated today.

At 930 I left to go to target. I would have a nice time walking around. Listening to music. I got my lotions and soap. I would also get some bug spray wipes for our trip. And a little Lego flower set for James because I love them so much.

I would go check out the clearance section and was disappointed by how little it is now. I found that a lot of clearances I checked out today were pretty picked over ot just very small. Disappointing. But I did find a very soft grey cropped button up for $7 so I still got something too.

I went to the craft store next to look for display stuff. But no luck. I did get two small baskets that I really like but I was frustrated still and was getting more and more upset as I kept looping the store. I just wanted to go home.

I went back to the house and decided to take advantage of the nice weather and brought the screen door to our front door so I could work on there and have a nice breeze and it worked great and not only did it make me happy, Sweetp seemed thrilled by the new sunny spot.

I would make a set up for my table. I think I have a plan now. And I would get everything put away for now. I still want to make a new sign but that's not something I had the motivation for today.

I would start working on a new stamp for the music festival. And sat in the doorway carving it. I want to do another couple passes on it but I'm happy with it so far. It was nice to have a little project.

While I was finishing tearing out the stamp I got a text from Sophia at awah asking me if I could come and sub. Super short notice, as it was 1145 and I have to be there at 1230. But lucky for them I was available. She was super grateful.

I finished what I was doing. Let my phone charge for a second. Pour a new drink. And right before I headed out I scratched the back of my leg and it wouldn't stop bleeding so I had to pause to clean that and get a bandaid. But then I was off.

I was still pretty early so I sat outside for a bit to get some color on my legs. And I just felt really happy. It was a good day.

And my class was great. Everyone was so nice. And I got to see some students who weren't there last time so it was just really nice to see them.

And I really enjoyed my two groups. They were finishing an eclipse project they started last week. And we had some issues with one was missing? But we were able to give them one that was extra and it was all okay in the end. But it was fun and a good project. And I got to teach them some painting skills, specifically that adding white can help with the opacity and cover the newspaper they were working on. And I had some really wonderful conversations. With parents and students and Naomi. Me and her had a good system going with cleaning and resetting and we had some weird stinky bottles of paint but we just laughed about it and it was really a good time. They only have one class left for the semester and I really hope I can be with them again in the fall.

I would leave there at 3 and headed over to the museum. I was very happy to see my James. I hugged on their head for a little. They did my hands felt good on their ears. Cute.

I headed to the print shop and started putting together a chase for Jesse. He wanted something we could possibly just create for couples, rather then just offering that if I'm there. A better guarantee.

Deborah was finishing a tour while I was in there and it was really nice to see her. Once her tour was over she would help me look for my old flower trays but we had no luck. So I just showed her how I made my little chases. We chose a font we thought screamed BMI. And it was fun putting it together. Jesse would come in and kept saying how cool it was. Which it is! Printing is very cool!!

I finished up my examples and checked in my James. I let them know I was going to go check out the dollar store for my market ideas. They would meet me there.

I had no luck there either. I found one thing that was a maybe but I ended up not liking it as much as I hoped. So I just got candy. And walked to five below.

I also had no luck there. Got more candy. Got a hair clip. And went to wait for James on the bench outside.

They took a few minutes because they were trying to help with a tech issue with the wedding at the museum. But then they were over and they had to quickly take my picture because my visa was declined for having the same photo as my passport photo. Apparently you need a totally different picture. They said this happens a lot. So I'm not to worried. Even though the sun was in my eyes so I'm kind of squinty.

We would walk to the grocery store and got cereal and eggs and Pop tarts. Which was $20. Which is insane. This country is a nightmare.

I was having fun with James. And we decided to go to the diner for dinner. I was kind of being weepy and was struggling to express myself. But James gets me. I love them very much.

We took the tunnel because it was a 10 minute drive vs a 30 minute drive if we didn't. And that was great because I was very hungry.

We had our dinner. I had some emails from feildtrips. One be was super complimentary about Friday and even asked me to come give an earth day talk at their school but I won't be in the country! Still very flattering to be asked.

We would head home after dinner. I felt a little off. James asked what I wanted to accomplish when we got home but my only answer was to put up the last shelf in the little room. But then when we started I got very dizzy and James told me to go lay down.

So that is what I did. And James would gather themselves and go do laundry. Which is greatly appreciated.

I would just lay here and rest. And now James is home! I am looking forward to being together tomorrow. I hope I am in a good head space and in a good mood.

I hope you all have a good night and a great day tomorrow. I love you all. Goodnight!!

[lesless]

glowing, growing 🔮 🍀

It is gently dropping small, delicate flakes of white outside & the air is so still, quiet, like a whisper. My love took the dog & headed out to a town 2 hours away to meet his father so he can spend tomorrow working on an initiative that may prove to be a wonderful investment of time/energy/etc., but not without quite a lot of work first. I am proud of him in a lot of ways, but I will miss him. I do enjoy my down time though, so I will make the most of it.

I had planned on meeting up with a friend tonight after she had dinner with her sister, but neither of us wanted to do much once the sky grew grey & it began to snow. I wrote a list of what I want to do solo tomorrow--tea (I need to reign back my coffee consumption, again), journal, breakfast, eat, go to yoga, get a juice from the place next door to the studio, a bath with the bath bomb I bought at the botanical gardens. Then, get some work done on the photo and/or writing project, buy some yarn to make gifts, write xmas cards, then maybe meet up with that friend I missed today. It sounds like a great solo day, exactly the kind of thing I like to do! A little chill, a little activity/movement in the A.M., a little productivity, a little shopping, a little fun.

It is funny that since I sorted through my clothes & replaced them with quality items I enjoy wearing that I feel like I have SO many options but I have SUCH a small number of items now compared to when I started weeding out synthetics. I have reflected that life is funny like that, sometimes when we lack quality we go for quantity, don't we?

Being deliberate in purchasing/replacing items has been a years-long thing & lately I do feel surprised that interacting with quality on a regular basis is satisfying, though I have kind of always held the idea that spending extra $ on things you interact with daily will make your daily experience more enjoyable. A nice face wash, comfortable bedsheets, decent rubber gloves to wash dishes in. I suppose I will just never stop appreciating little things in life.

Sunday bb will return, we will relax & play BG3, spend our last little bit of solo time together until next year, quite literally. Tuesday our friend arrives, I visit the allergist, then Thursday my cousin arrives, then Sunday we fly to Texas, then it's holiday madness & remote work, then we fly to Mexico, the new year blooms, more remote work, & we return to life & a new semester.

In more mundane news, I told myself that I would learn how to french braid my hair while it's short so I can become accustomed to it as it grows out & I have stuck to my word! 3 successful braids so far, though my arms do get exhausted & I feel feeble every time I braid it. Just as I feel weak every time I do core exercises (2 down this week! pretty good considering I spent 3 full & exhausting days in the office today) at least I'm doing it! I will get better! I can't expect myself to be good at something right off the bat, as much as I want to be for my ego's sake.

I still always feel at least a little anxious after socializing with people I am not intimately close with, & I have done an assload of socializing over the last 3 days, BUT I feel relatively unscathed after this week. 2 fumbles, which I felt I saved, & maybe I shouldn't be cataloging my social blunders mentally but also maybe mentally I'm a little left of center & I should just be OK with that, too, instead of self-monitoring so heavily. Anyway, I think the level of comfort I DO feel has a lot to do with the fact that I really just feel delightful about the people I work with; I really genuinely like them all. They are all such characters, so knowledgeable, incredibly well-intentioned, & most of them are as sassy & quippy as I enjoy in a person without the malicious undertone that often accompanies that trait.

Anyway I am trying to remind myself that bettering is incremental & when I look back at how far I have come I am proud of myself, too. Lastly, perhaps, I must shake the scolding I want to give myself at every imperfection.

It is a beautiful night & I am comfortable, listening to music & watching everything collect a thin layer of white outside of my window. I have things to look forward to, people to love, people to love me back, humble goals, & a deep appreciation for the now. I hope you, too, find a quiet sort of peace as the year wraps itself in darkness & cold. I hope spring makes you feel like you can start over if you need to. I hope you treat yourself gently tomorrow.

[reggieblk]

Hi! So, I'm just starting reading Equals In Life and omg. How the heck were you able to write this full thing in more or less a month??? I am staring in both admiration and a little bit of terror because that's a super power if anything is!

hi !! I hope you like the fic! It was recently re-edited, so hopefully it's a bit better than what it was a couple weeks ago.

I actually answered an ask like this a while ago, here's the link to that, so that I don't rehash everything I already said haha

but to make a long story short, I was struggling at uni, in that I didn't want to go anymore. I was fully burnt out, and frankly I can't remember anything that's not equals in life from my last semester 😭 And writing the fic provided the escapism I needed to not go absolutely insane, and it was actually something I enjoyed, which reminded me that yeah, things can actually be enjoyed in life and not just suffered through lol. So I'd write constantly cause it made me happy, and if I wasn't writing I was thinking about the fic, so the plot was quickly sorted out in my mind.

It also helped that there wasn't a chapter that I didn't enjoy writing. Every chapter had at least one scene, or a piece of dialogue, or something, that I was excited to write. So it was very easy to always want to write.

the stuff I mentioned in the other post are relevant too! especially the thing about being unsure if I was capable of writing an entire fic

To make a long story even shorter : it was the mental illness

Bonus: I'm sure you can imagine what happened to me when I actually finished the fic..... I lost the one thing holding me together, so I dived head first into a new one. But I have mellowed in the last few months, and writing is no longer my sole reason for existing...but maybe that's bc I finished uni idk (btw i did get my degree and passed all my exams with a pretty good average, which I still can't believe happened)

this answer is a bit scattered sorry, it's 7 in the morning rn lol. Thank you for the ask, it's always nice to chat about writing. And I really hope you like the fic!! I'd love for you to let me know what you thought of it!! I'm pretty sure it contains a part of my soul, so be gentle haha

xx

[b1mbodoll]

AAAAAAA OMG DO I HAVE A LONG ASS ASK FOR YOU. MY DATE/NOT DATE HAS JUST CONCLUDED....

So a little back story - I worked with this guy this past summer and like the first time we met I alr liked him. Like he was exactly my type. Like 100%. But I'm super shy (never dated anyone, never kissed anyone, never held hands with anyone) so I never really did anything obvious that I liked him bc I was nervous. We kind of flirted (maybe) a lot near the end of the summer. We texted a lot a lot but he ended up moving up to college for his apartment earlier than expected so we never got to see eachother after our last days of work. There was lots of drama on my end surrounding that trust. Like mental anguish bc I fumbled the bag hard.

Anyways. We start school respectively (I go to school in NY and him in TX) and we don't talk that often, just snap like everyday. But as the semester goes on we reply to each other's stories and have short, friendly convos more frequently. Flashforward to like, a week ago or something. I reply to his insta story and we start talking. He finds out that I'm going home for Thanksgiving and he is to so he asks me to hang out. This is odd bc we weren't close enough as friends for me to think that he would ask to see me.

Anyways again, I'm skipping details bc otherwise I'll never finish this lmao - the date/not date was like everything else we do. Vaguely romantic but could also be friendly. He picked me, we ate dinner and then went ice skating together. He walked up to my door to get me, held open doors for me, and opened the car door to walk me back to my house after we got back. But like - no moves were made. No attempts to hold my hand or kiss me. AT ALL. But like he also complimented my butterfly hair lips like sir 😭😭 idk what you want from me.

But now I'm feeling kind of tired of 6-7 months of not knowing where we stand with eachother. So I texted him afterwards saying "Thank you so much for tonight, I loved seeing you again! Although, I did want to know if it was a date or if it really was intended as just a hangout, bc it did seem like it sometimes? Either way, I'd love to meet up with you again if we're both in town!" He then liked bith of the thank you messages and replied, we definitely should. But then he replied to the daye/not date ask with - I don't know. I'll have to think about it. He then said something about it being more than he anticipated but still good, so idk if that means that it wasn't intended as a date but became one and he enjoyed it or if he meant it as a date but I fumbled the bag (I give just as many mixed signals bc I'm an anxious coward lmao) but it still ended up okay.

HOWEVER, I AM A GENIUS, LIKE RIZZ MASTER 1000. I accidentally left something in his car so tmmr morning he's gonna drive back to drop it off (It's like an hour round trip for him). And tomorrow is the day I will stop being a bitch. I'm gonna tell him that I'm interested but that I also do genuinely enjoy him as a person so like, however he intends to meet up with ne in the future I'll be okay with that.

So yeah. Story time over 🫶🫶🫶🫶 Sorry that it's actually so long but I remember how excited you were so I wanted to let you know how it went 💗💗💗💗

IM ON MY KNEES RN STOP u r so cute and agh!!!!!! i will be needing an update with whatever happens pretty please, honey 🤲

im so ☹️☹️☹️ u guys went ice skating ☹️ that’s so so so so fucking cute!!!!!! that actually is so cute my heart cant take it ໒꒰ྀིっ˕ -｡꒱ྀི১ but no moves being mad.. 🤬 yeah i need to have a stern talking to with this man!!! what r ur intentions with my little angel, you HEATHEN!!! hehe no but srsly dont be anxious sweetheart! i know its hard n way easier said than done, but you seem so wonderful and im sure he thinks that as well! im so glad you had a good time <3

rizz master 1000 has me crying omg ur too silly 😭 but him driving AN HOUR TO GIVE U UR THINGS STOP IT my little heart is so warm :( im proud of u for messaging him and asking for clarification about what the lil hangout was! n pls u r anything BUT a bitch!!!!! ur perfect and i hope things work out well with him!

dont apologize for he length! i love anything romance so inwas looking forward to this update!!!! wishing u the best of luck with him <3 mwah

[gillianthecat]

.

punishing myself/avoiding Tasks (punishing myself for and by avoiding Tasks)* by binging Extra-ordinary You, a 2019 high school romcom kdrama. started watching because Lee Jae Wook is sooo beautiful and compelling in Alchemy of Souls and I was curious to see him in something else. And I don't know if it's that I was already primed to like him but he is by far the most charismatic actor on the set. his character is asshole with hidden depths and tragic backstory, and he is making those hidden depths way to deep and upsetting the balance of the love triangle. which isn't even really a love triangle but he's making me want it to be. it doesn't help that the main actor comes across as so incredibly bland and forgettable. some of that is the character, but like also it just feels like there's nothing happening behind the eyes there. whereas Lee Jae Wook has so much going on in his head at all times and is simply on fire.

also i would actually be interested in the story of kyung and dan oh falling in love in spite of being written to fall in love and rebelling against that. he's to much of an asshole to make that story work, but with some slight tweaks it could have been great. sigh. i suspect the Haru romance will continue to be fairly dull despite some interesting premises.

mostly i'm still watching to find out the deal with the dried shrimp fairy. who honestly i think should have been given the lead as they have a similar "look" but that actor can actually act.

i also enjoyed the supposed "main" love story. i hate hate hate bully romance, but i am entertained by awkward rich assholes being totally flustered by falling in love and this comic book premise gave it enough distance that i could enjoy Nam Ju. Props also to that actor for making it work. (My Beautiful Man being of course another (and far superior) path to making this story work)

Maybe I just don't like sweet guys? Who am I kidding, I've long known i don't like purely sweet (fictional) guys. they need a little bite to them to compel me.

It also makes me appreciate much more the work that Seo Yul's actor is doing in Alchemy of Souls—another sweet devoted character played by a pretty idol actor, but he's got me riveted every second he's on screen. Some of that is the inherent tragedy of his role, but Haru has a tragic side (though I'm genre-trusting he'll get his happy ending) so I think it's just that Seo Yul has a better actor.

*the mid semester adhd breakdown finally hit, starting Wednesday. I was really hoping a could avoid it but then i ran out of clean underwear and needed to do laundry and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. also i was supposed to do thanksgiving with my family and even though it was a very small low key casual thing i'm finding I couldn't face bring around people at all. maybe i should go do that thing that's a week late. which is like 90% done and it's so stupid I haven't finished it but it was originally late because i was sick and then I just felt more and more angst about it being late. Of course i am still coughing and today was the first day with no digestive issues, so that doesn't help. On the other hand in good news we did get 100% on our presentation Tuesday. i was completely exhausted Tuesday night but I survived. mentally i feel like i'm on another planet right now and i know i will get back eventually but it's always a question of just how long it will take to get there. not sure that this makes any sense or I want to expose the ramblings of my broken brain but sure why not.