#like i was fine. just sad that someone had chosen that but didn't feel emotional about it

[bougainvilea]

tw suicide mention & also cancer mention in the tags

[nyxthejinx]

Hello! How’s your day/night going?

May I request a drabble of Diluc with an g/n s/o that haves fox’s ears? Like Miko but it’s pointing upwards not down. And their ear’s go with their emotions ;

Happy = go straight up

Sad = slowly go downwards

shy/embarrassed = go downwards really fast

If not that’s completely fine! Have the good rest of your day/night!

Archons-know-how-many-months-later, my night's going pretty well, sleep deprivation aside. I'm sorry it took so long, but it was an interesting prompt to go with. I'm not fully satisfied with how it came out, but I hope you'll like it anyways <3

𝐓𝐖: Nothing but fluff, one kiss. It's a misunderstanding but comical.

𝐅𝐭.: Diluc - GN!Reader

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1.1k

𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨: Hanging With the Boys - OMORI

Diluc has always been secretly fascinated by your ears.

He never really brought up the topic or pointed out anything, fearing it would make him sound rude and you feel uncomfortable. And yet still to this day he founds endearing the way you show emotions through them.

On most days they'd be staying up proudly, paired with one of your unresistable smiles, while on some occations he'd seen them bend like a withered flowers, pulled downwards just like your lips in a sign of sadness.

But his favourite has to be without a doubt the sight of them flattening in a heartbeat, as you poorly hide that clumsy shyness he's grown so fond of.

What Diluc doesn't like, though, are those days when they're leaned backwards, forming a sharp 90 degrees angle with the back of your head. Days when you're upset, annoyed at something and/or someone.

Days when he automatically returns on his footsteps and tries to figure out whether it was his fault or not.

Today is one of those days.

It had started in the morning, with you marching down the corridor and completely ignoring the open door of his office. Being with his nose buried in paperwork, Diluc didn't exactly notice the lack of usual "have a good day" kiss. It was Adelinde who pointed out your strange behaviour and rang the bells in the back of his mind.

But why? He'd come home earlier yesterday, cuddled on the bed while you read your book, had a nice dinner together and slept with you in his arms. You'd kept your ears pointed all the way up the entire time!

Was someone bothering you? Did he subconsciously annoy you? Were you feeling unwell? Should he call a doctor?

"Please, calm down, master Diluc," Adelinde sighs, as she dusts the libraries in his office. "If they were in any pain they'd voice their discomfort. Master [Name] knows how concerned you get over their wellbeing."

Diluc, on the other hand, is having none of it. "I wouldn't know, Adelinde." He sinks in his chair, a frown etched on his forehead. "We're both well aware of their stubborness."

"You ought talk to them, then." She says. "Communication is the key."

Communication is the key.

Well, it is either the key for peace or chaos, Diluc thinks, an idea that's surely bound to fail popping up in his mind.

Candles? Lit. Table? Set. Dinner made by the man himself? Ready to help you ease the mood, it's your favourite after all.

It took him the rest of the evening to lay everything out for when you'd be back. It's a bit old fashioned, nothing too special, just like he is, but he knows you like it exactly this way.

Adelinde actually shook her head at the length he was going for this whole ordeal. But anyways-

Diluc stands by the window, waiting for any sign of your arrival. He focuses on his dull reflection, checks the outfit he'd chosen -casual, but still flattering in a way- and perks up upon seeing your figure approaching the manor.

He squints and- yes, your ears are still bent backwards, but not completely: more like a perturbed neutrality.

Well, make or break.

The door clicks open and he hears you shuffling around.

"Welcome back, Love." He makes his way to the entrance, hoping to look natural in his movements. When in reality he's a nervous wreck. "Let me help you with that."

Diluc gives you a small smile, makes quick work of your jacket, hanging it to the rack and subtly pushing you towards the decorated table. He doesn't give you time to ask any question, nor elaborate your confusion and stupor, as he accompanies you by the small of your back.

"How was your day?" He questions. Meanwhile he's already moved the chair, waiting for you to sit.

"Uh, fine, I guess?" You don't hide your hesitancy, as you lower yourself on the cushioned seat with a quirked brow. "What about you- this," You gesture around yourself, then towards Diluc. "What's the occasion?"

Diluc pushes you into position. He clears his throat, hands stilling on the seat back. "You seemed... Off, earlier this morning, Love. I was hoping a nice dinner would ease your mind."

"I prepared your favourite." And with that he slinks away. Or at least tries to.

You're quick to latch your fingers onto the sleeve of his shirt. "'Luc, I appreciate the thought, but I'm pretty sure there's something more going on."

You yank him gently, force him to face you fully and look at you in the eyes, when you notice that his gaze is aimed a little above yours.

"...Well?"

He stares up, back down, up again. And then he sighs. He sounds absolutely mortified. "It was my intention to have a chat about your sour mood. You appeared distressed when you left the Winery, your..." His cheeks start to gain colour. "Your ears. I've only ever seen them that way after an argument, or whenever you're upset. I was worried I enraged you unknowingly."

His free hand flies to cover the lower half of his face, as if he knows he's blushing like mad, while his eyes wander to the floor. Diluc looks like a kicked puppy, poor thing.

And suddenly you chuckle, your ears perking all the way up like usual. As if nothing at all had happened.

"'Luc, Love, I'm sorry." You smile. "I wasn't mad at you!"

"U-Uh?"

"Remember the book I was reading before bed?" You place both your hands on his biceps and get on your feet. "Well, I read the few pages I had left right this morning. And I didn't like the ending at all."

Oh. Oh.

So it was about the book.

Diluc stares at you dumbfounded. He's overheating, and he doesn't know if it's from shame, stress discharging or the incredible proximity of your bodies.

He feels your hands slide all the way up, locking behind his neck as your face inches closer and closer. A soft, yet amused smile pulling at your lips. "You're too sweet for this world."

And you peck him, quick but loving nevertheless. Take a step back and pat his chest. "You said you cooked my favourite, right? Can't wait to dig in."

And you sit once again, starting to ramble about your real day with a cozy enthusiasm he loves so much.

It takes him another ten seconds. But then he smiles, gazes at you with eyes brimming with adoration.

How he loves seeing you with your ears up.

DON'T copy/repost my work. REBLOG instead! ©nyxthejinx

[ejtheoneandonly]

COMFORTING THEM AT THEIR WORST (or some sh*t I thought of at 3am)

Feat.Haruka Sakura, Akihiko Nirei and Hayato Suo.

Haruka Sakura.

Haruka was bruised and normally, you would treat his wounds, he never admits it but L O V E S when you are the one doing it, as he consider your touches to be one of the most warm he has encountered in his whole life, you can even see it in his eyes, he is so mellow. When you try to talk to him about his day (before the brawl, of course) he remains strangely quiet, as if he is reflecting about something, you tilt your head "Haru-kun?", his eyes turned to you "what?" He coldly said...

"Is there something wrong?"

"Nah, nothing at all, why you keep asking?"

"Because it seems like you're going through something, do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

When you're done with your job, you both go sit somewhere outside, Sakura's face seems still at unease. You decide to try talk him out one more time

"Haru-kun-"

"Oh for f*cks sake what?!"

"How did you just talk to me..?"

"I said I'm fine! I don't need anything now!"

"If you say you're fine with that face that means you are not necessarily fine, you don't have to carry everything alone you know?"

"Ugh!" The bi-colored boy stood and groaned "I am not telling you I feel terrible just because you say-...so..." he said it himself. "And?" You were curious to hear the story. "..." Sakura grabbed his head and fell into the ground "Goddammit!!! Why can't I just feel to fit in no matter what I do!!! If I am not strong I am nothing! I really have no other things to offer!! I...I..." His voice was breaking and you didn't think twice before embracing him "You need to be patient, from what I've seen, things have been going very well in Furin for you, and you seem to have fun, I'm pretty sure your peers have already accepted you, or else, who are Nirei and Suo to you?"

Sakura is hesitant, but at the same time...he doesn't want to let you go.

Akihiko Nirei

You and Nirei were in a date, you were walking on the streets, admiring every single thing while you also see the yellow fluffball taking notes of the things you 'wow' at. Today was pretty nice, you bought some food, drinks and took some photos. The thing happened when he was walking you home, it was dusk time and some criminals arrived, threatening to harm you both, Nirei, wanting to be your hero, decided to face them himself but got outnumbered, fortunately, you knew how to fight, so you decided to help him. You both won, they left, you both went to your home, checking if there were any severe injuries. Suddenly, the yellow fluffball wailed.

"Oh no, what happened? Do your injuries hurt?" Your voice sounded so sweet and attentive, you were always like this, main reason he fell in love with you.

"It's just..." *sob* "Just..."

"You can tell me anything."

"I'm tired of being useless, I always wonder, how did I even get to enter Furin if I don't even know how to fight! Even if Suo-san trained me, I will still never be as cool as him or Sakura-san! I am so useless!! I am so useless!!" Nirei was 😭

"No! Don't say that! I love you just how you are! I chose you for you, I could have chosen Sakura or Suo as you say but no, want to know why I chose you?" You said getting closer to him

"🥺?" He looked to your direction

You kissed him in the cheek "Because you always have good intentions, even in the things you are not good at, you always give it all and that's what made me fall in love with you, you are the strongest in my eyes and heart, and always will"

Nirei just kept crying (lol) but it was okay, crybaby and all you still loved him.

Hayato Suo

Hayato Suo is someone who you rarely see sad, this patched person always kept in control of his emotions and thoughts, you were always certain he always had everything under control, but what would happen if those restraints...

...snapped...?

You and the patched guy were drinking tea at a chinese market, both enjoying the view as you enjoyed each other's company, even if you didn't spoke much, the silence was already good enough, but you decided to now check on him, you could feel it, there was stuff he has hiding, you sensed his mind was in a tempest, an unpredictable force that could break out at any moment. Hayato Suo is very good at hiding his emotions to the point it's scary, you will never know what's going on with him, unless he wants to tell you...

At last, you decide to break silence "Suo?"

He turned at you, with a tiny grin "yes?"

"I...have feeling you...you um..." You were sometimes scared that he might take your words the wrong way or worse, that a possible argument arised, but decided to take the risks. The chinese presenting guy blinked "anything you need to say?" He said as he finished his tea.

"You are going through something terrible right now and as much as you want to avoid it I know! I just know it! And I don't care if you say 'I'm fine', I know you're not but let me tell you, whatever you are going through, let me be there for you! As complex as it may be I will do until my last breath to-" You were passionately pronouncing those words you did cause a scene at the market, everyone was now staring at you "...sorry" you sat down again. He chuckled "your passion and dedication towards me is so admirable but..." his aura abruptly changed to a darker one "even if I told you, you would never be able to handle it, this is something very personal of me and I kindly beg you to leave it..."

You were speechless but mainly concerned, of course you never feared he attacked you, you knew he could never but the situation of right now, left you thinking, if he even trusted you enough, maybe not yet...

In the end, you both walked away from that place, you hoped one day, Hayato Suo would trust you and let himself be as vulnerable as ever, so you could be there for him with no doubt...

Forgive if this looks ooc, oh God T-T, also, to the 3 people that read this, you deserve the whole world ⚘️)) if you want another part then say so, I guess.

[booboodaddysblog]

I want to touch you again…

Part one

Warnings: kissing, talking, doubts, a bit sad and emotional

Words: 3312

It was after 1 pm when Marg waited for Colin at the exit door of the police station. Annoyed, she glanced at her watch. He was late, and she disliked it very much. She went to his office. She wanted to enter without knocking, but saw that the door to his office was open.

- Where can he be? - thought Marg.

She noticed that the door to the men's bathroom was also open. She went there to see if Colin was there. She entered and saw Colin washing his face with cool water. She quickly approached him concerned.

- Oh, Colin, is something wrong? You are pale.

Colin looked quite tired, especially his eyes looked extremely dark, which was probably not a good sign. He knew it was hard to hide anything from Marg.

- Eh... I... I don't know... - he answered quietly.

- Is everything okay? Colin? - she touched his forehead and cheeks to check for a fever - you don't have a fever. What's going on? Be honest with me.

He was slightly surprised by her behavior. The way she touched him and looked at him with tenderness made him feel even worse now than before.

- I am...

He found it difficult to formulate the words he really wanted to use to describe everything. He didn't want to lie to her. He wanted to be more open.

- Please tell me what is going on? If you care about me coming back to you, you have to talk to me. You can't be so closed off - she looked into his eyes.

She was right. She was here with him and she knew something was wrong. If he wanted things to be the same again he had to start talking to her.

- I... - he fell silent for a moment looking into her eyes, but suddenly looked away - I... I just feel pretty depressed right now - he sighed.

- I understand. It's not surprising, more than a month ago we separated - she touched his arm - we need to work on each other, on our relationship. I care about you, Colin.

- I know... I know we have to do it... I... I'm just not sure how to start...

- Why don't we just go to that lunch? I'm hungry, and I'm not the only one - she laughed and stroked her belly.

She grabbed his hand and led him to the exit of the police station.

It was a nice feeling to feel the warmth of her hand again. She squeezed his hand tightly as if she was afraid he would escape her. He followed her slightly smiling. He didn't try to protest, he just let her take him where she wanted him to go.

They left the police station and went to a restaurant across the street. They went inside and sat down at a table. A waitress immediately approached them and handed them menu.

- What would you like to eat, Colin? - Marg looked at him from over the menu.

He stared at the menu for a moment then looked at her and smiled slightly.

- I'll let you decide.

She sighed.

- Well, okay, how about something light then? Chicken salad? - she looked at him questioningly.

- That... that sounds like a good idea - he said with a slight nod.

He was grateful that she had chosen something light for him to eat, since his stomach was not in a good state right now to eat something too heavy.

- Fine, and water to drink - she waved to the waitress to come over. She ordered their food and looked at Colin again - So? How are you doing after our breakup? Skipping the alcohol.

She noticed that Colin flinched.

- I... still feel really awful...

He was frankly, he felt like being brutally honest when it came to this topic. He had to talk about it before it consumed him further. He had to get it out of his chest.

She looked at him sadly.

- Colin, I want you to know that I still love you. It's not so easy to stop loving someone, you know? - she smiled at him - I really understand you, that you feel awful. Believe me, I do too...

The waitress brought them water. Marg immediately took a sip.

He started drinking his glass of water after she did as well. He felt a little uncomfortable now, as he realized she was starting to talk about it a little more openly. He felt he should do the same.

- I know... I know all this. I just... - he paused for a moment, as if he wasn't quite sure what he wanted to say - I just really regret everything I said... all those things I told you... I really regret it...

- It's true, your words were really hurtful. From now on I want you to be honest with me and tell me everything that bothers you. I am here to talk to you and help you whenever you need it. Don't close your thoughts to me, please.

- I will... I promise... I know I said a lot of things I shouldn't have. I just felt so anxious and stressed and scared… didn't know what to do with myself, so I just threw out everything I was thinking. It was the stupidest thing I could have ever done.

- I understand. I'm glad you're opening up to me. I hope it won't change.

- No, it's not going to change. I really want to fix this. I know I'm not the best at talking about how I feel, but I'm going to do everything I can to try to fix myself - he sighed loudly - but at this point I know I wouldn't be the best husband or partner right now...

- I'm really not forcing you with this marriage. It's not on fire anywhere. We can stay engaged and get married when you are ready for it. Even in a few years, or even not at all, we don't have to get married. It's important for us to be together and raise our child in happiness.

The waitress brought their salads.

- Oh, but I'm so hungry!

Marg grabbed a fork and shoved a large piece of chicken into her mouth.

Colin mused for a moment. If he had to spend a few more years to fix all his problems before marrying her, he absolutely would.

He looked at Marg again. He watched with a smile as she absorbed the food. She must have been really hungry.

- It seems really delicious - he laughed quietly.

- It is, oh my gosh, it's so good! - she said with her mouth full and smiled at him.

- Yes, I agree - he decided, also shoving a piece of chicken into his mouth. It was really nice to see her enjoying her food like this.

She patted her belly.

- I hope our baby likes it too - she laughed and continued eating.

- Could I also do it?

Marg looked at him and nodded.

He stroked her belly and smiled gently, looking into her eyes. He was happy to see her laugh. He missed it.

Marg smiled when Colin touched her belly. She touched his hand that rested on her belly. The moment touched her. She leaned over and lightly kissed him on the cheek.

- I love you, remember that - she whispered and went back to eating.

The few simple words she just spoke made all the negative emotions he felt inside disappear in an instant. He also smiled and looked down at his plate before he started eating again.

- Tell me what are you thinking about? - she said with her mouth full.

At first, he was a bit surprised that she asked such a simple and uncomplicated, yet so important question at the moment. It forced him to think for a moment before responding, as he took a moment to chew first.

- Just... I think about how nice it is to have someone like you - he said, still continuing to eat, but stopped now to look at her and smile.

- Oh you’re so sweet - she smiled at him too.

- No, not really... - he said humbly, it was hard for him to take kind words, but she really was kind to him - I'm just happy to have someone who cares about me so much. Even if... even if I recently acted like an absolute idiot.

He felt he had to be honest with her, he had to let her know how ashamed he was of his past actions.

- I would like to trust you again. Please try to make it so - she grabbed his hand and squeezed it lightly.

- I... I want that too. I feel that I have been such a terrible partner to you - he said, squeezing her hand for a moment.

His behavior has been unacceptable over the past days and even weeks.... months... He had to fix it, and he was going to start now.

- Well, let's eat and get back to work. I've been away from work for over a month. I have a lot of catching up to do. I think you too - she smiled and kissed him on the cheek again.

- It's true, I have a lot of work.

He simply had so many things on his mind that work was not at the top of his list most of the time. But she was right, it was time to pull himself together.

- How has Mare been treating you lately? I heard she's really mean to everyone. Is that true? - she changed the subject and shoved a piece of lettuce into her mouth.

- Yeah, that's actually true... I just don't understand this sudden change in her behavior - he said, shaking his head from side to side, recalling the last conversation with his colleague, which was not a pleasant one.

- Or maybe she has worse days or some problems at home? And that's why she's like this? - Marg shrugged her shoulders.

- Maybe... - also shrugged his shoulders.

- Okay I finished the salad. Do we feel like having some more dessert? I feel like something sweet - she laughed - ah these pregnancy cravings - she reached for the menu and looked at the desserts.

He smiled at her enthusiasm for dessert, it was quite cute to see her like this.

- I agree. I need some sugar right now.

- Oh my goodness, look, they have a brownie warm with vanilla ice cream! I want one! - she showed him an item on the menu. Her eyes sparkled at the thought of this dessert.

- Oh, that sounds quite delicious - he said, looking at the dessert with quite a bit of enthusiasm. He had always been a fan of sweets, and this sounded like a really good option. He immediately smiled at her because she looked so beautiful when she was smiling, and he wanted to make sure she got what she wanted and needed - sure, let's do it!

- Ah can't wait for that taste on my tongue! - she waved at the waitress, to beckon her to their table and order dessert.

- I also can't wait to try it too - he said, smiling at her and taking her hand as they waited for the waitress to arrive with their dessert.

Marg looked at their joined hands. She leaned over and without hesitation kissed Colin on the lips. It was a long kiss. They could feel the longing in it.

He felt quite surprised by this sudden kiss, but didn't think too long about it and allowed himself to return the kiss. He kissed her as long as she wanted, and didn't really think about anything else at the moment. It was just the two of them and it was so nice.

They didn't break their kiss until they heard the grunt of the waitress standing at their table. They quickly pulled away from each other and broke the kiss when they realized that the dessert they had ordered was already on their table.

Colin had to catch his breath because he was so lost in the heat of the moment. The presence of the waitress brought him back to reality. Although he did not complain about what had just happened. He himself didn't know what he wanted right now. On the one hand, he wanted to kiss Marg, and on the other, he craved this dessert.

- You taste really sweet, dear - said Marg as soon as the waitress left their table. She licked her lips - okay then, now it's time for that brownie - she laughed and stuck her fork into the cake.

These words made him blush. He was glad that she was now focused on eating the cake and did not see his blushes.

- Yes, let's eat - he said slightly embarrassed.

- I missed your lips - she winked at him and put another piece of cake in her mouth.

The blush on his face began to grow, now she had to notice that he was blushing.

- Uhm... I better not say what that comment made me think...

It's not that he didn't want to say some other things himself. But at the moment he felt he couldn't.

- Oh yes I know, we are in a public place, a restaurant. It's not appropriate to talk about obscene topics - she laughed and showed him her tongue.

- Yes... definitely not a good place for this kind of conversation... so I guess I'll just keep quiet - he said, laughing slightly nervously, unsure if he should bring up these topics just yet.

He felt he needed to get it off his chest. This could get them kicked out. So he'll just have to be careful, that's the only solution. So he decided to take another bite of dessert while he spoke.

- But there is something else I would like to talk about...

- Oh really? What is that? - Marg looked at him curiously.

- Well... I think... - he took another bite of dessert before speaking again. He didn't want to rush things. He felt that he wanted to choose his words carefully now - Well, you know... I know that sometimes I have not been the nicest partner for you in recent times... in fact... - he paused for a moment, unsure how to say the last part.

- Keep talking. I want you to be open and honest - Marg took another bite of cake into her mouth.

- Well, sometimes I think... I've been jealous of you lately - he said with some difficulty.

He wasn't sure how she would react, but he knew it was something he needed to tell her so she could understand him a little better. He really hoped she wouldn't react in a negative way, though. He felt that he was already entering dangerously sensitive territory, so he was as cautious as possible.

- Oh? Jealous? Why? - she raised her eyebrows in surprise - you really have no reason to be jealous of me. You know very well that I am a person who can be trusted.

- I... - he felt uncomfortable talking about it - I really don't know... I just felt jealousy lately... like I have no control over anything... - he sighed - lack of control is not the right word... - he mumbled, feeling really embarrassed about it.

- Honey, I know we've had some worse days lately, but that's no reason for you to be jealous of me.

- I know... I should be more understanding in your current state. But I can't help myself... just... don't laugh at me, but... I was and still am jealous...

He seemed to apologize for the way he reacted and behaved now. He would like to be normal and stop worrying about so many things. He would have liked to let her live without any interference from him. But it was difficult for him to do so. She certainly understood what he meant now. He was just a bit apodictic.

- Do you mean that I was too close with my girlfriends? You yourself participated in a threesome with Roby and me. Then with Nour and me. You really didn't complain. You were even delighted. Don't pretend to be innocent now. But given my current state, because I've been pregnant for more than a month now, I really don't even think about such games - she took a big piece of cake into her mouth and sighed loudly.

- I know, I know I was also involved in... all this... but I just feel that my emotions have been out of control lately. I just feel that maybe... It was a bit too much for me... - he sighed deeply - I was and am just a little confused about what my feelings are now... just... it's so complicated... and seeing you and girls together disgust me a bit, I mean I was involved too... but it is still quite strange... which is not to say that I didn't like it...

- But now you are feigning innocence. You're so cute. I hope you remember that after the threesome with Nour and me, you asked me to be your girlfriend - she laughed.

- I remember, yes... and I don't regret it in the slightest... - he said, feeling a little more relieved now, hearing her laughter instead of anger - I don't pretend to be innocent... it's just... I feel that I wish I could talk to you sometimes... just to talk about how I feel and what seems strange and bizarre to me... Marg, do you understand?

- Colin, of course I understand. And I'm very happy that you finally want to talk to me about your feelings and what ails you. It's very important in a relationship - she kissed him on the cheek.

- Yes... - Colin felt more and more like he had gotten out of the dangerous situation he was in before. But he was going to just enjoy this moment and try to take more steps forward to better understand everything - I'll try to do this more often... it's just... sometimes difficult. But I'll do my best.

- I'm very pleased with what you say - she got up from the table - let's go pay for our food and dessert and get back to work.

- Yeah, sounds good... - he said, still taking small bites of his dessert. He, too, stood up and was quite pleased with how they had managed to get the conversation back on track and hoped that everything would remain normal for the rest of the afternoon. And that it would get even better. But for now, they were just going to pay the bills and get back to work.

Marg looked at Colin with a smile as he paid their food bill. He was relaxed now and seemed as if he had completely sobered up. The alcohol really wasn't doing him any good. Marg decided that she would try to help him with his addiction. He couldn't drink alcohol whenever something bad happened, whenever he couldn't cope with his emotions and his mistakes. This was not good for him. They were about to become parents. It was important for their relationship to be devoid of understatement and bad behavior. They had to give the child good role models.

———

@robnovetre

Part two

[hymnserendipity]

Age gap with Akaashi

Age up, no gender mentioned

"Stop acting like that! Stop thinking I'm too young!"

He said with an annoyed tone while taking your hands. That's right, you have a considerable age difference, and although you have strong emotions for him, extremely strong, you can't accept what he feels for you.

You decided to date someone older than you, but that person turned out to be a jerk. He acted so roughly that you had to break up. You did this to distance yourself from your feelings for Akaashi, your junior who fell hopelessly in love with you.

"Akaashi... You are 20... I'm 25. We have 5 years gap."

"And? Why does that matter all of the sudden?"

He replied firmly. He wasn't looking at your face, but the annoyance was palpable.

He clenched his jaw, his slender fingers trace yours.

"You're fine with going out with an older guy but uncomfortable with me?"

He muttered this resentfully, the jealousy evident in his voice.

"It's just.... You deserve someone your age. I'm too old for you, I will have gray hair before you."

"Don't give me that bullshit."

He snapped, his eyes finally meeting yours, the annoyance now mixed with pain.

"Stop saying that you're too old! It's age, it doesn't even matter and you know it. I love you because of who you are, not your appearance, not your age, and I don't care about any of that."

He didn't stop taking your hands, but his hands felt shaky.

"I love you too. I'm just scared to ruin your life." He paused in his actions, his eyes wide as he processes you words. His cold demeanor melted slightly, replaced with something akin to hope.

"You... Love me too?"

His voice softened, his breath catching in his throat. He carefully placed his hands on your vheek, his expression now vulnerable.

"Why are you scared of ruining my life, then? I'm not a kid anymore, and I can make my own decisions."

"I'm scared you will leave me for someone younger." His gaze softened even more, and he gently reached out with both hands to cup your face, his touch surprisingly tender.

"Why would I ever do that? I've chosen you. I don't want anyone else."

He tilted your chin up, making you look at him, his serious expression conveying his sincerity.

"I want you, only you. You're the one I've chosen, and I swear I won't leave you for anyone else, no matter their age."

"I tried to hold back my feelings for so long." A small, sad smile tugged at the corners of his lips, his thumbs caressing your cheeks gently.

"I know. I could feel it. Your hesitation, your pulling away, it hurt me."

He leaned closer, his forehead touching yours, his breath warm against your skin.

"But I stayed, I waited. Because I knew how you felt about me."

"I'm Sorry baby....." He closed his eyes, his embrace firm yet gentle as he pulled you closer.

"Don't apologize." he murmured, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I understand why you held back. But I'm here now, and I don't want to part from you anymore."

He gently tilted your head to the side, placing a soft kiss on your forehead.

"You love me just as I love you."

"But .. what about your parents? What will they say?" He sighed slightly, his hand gently stroking your hair.

"My parents are open-minded. It's not about the age gap for them. They care about our happiness. If you're the person who makes me happy, they will support us."

"So... You sure? Akaashi, for real...?"

He pulled away slightly to look at you directly in the eyes, his gaze unwavering.

"I'm sure, for real. I've been sure for a long time. I want us to give this a chance, to be together without hiding our feelings any longer." You kiss him in a soft way. He was slightly caught off guard at first, but soon he melted into the kiss, his arms encircling you tightly. The kiss was slow, gentle, filled with the feelings he'd kept suppressed for so long.

His hands moved to your waist, pulling you even closer, not wanting a single inch between your bodies. His lips moved against yours, exploring and cherishing this moment.

He sighed against your mouth, his fingers tightening slightly on your hips, conveying all the pent-up yearnings he had for you. He held you close, his face buried in your hair, his breaths ragged. The sound of your heartbeats mingling with his, their thumps forming a melody of their own.

His arms enveloped you, bringing you flush against his chest. He deeply inhaled, the familiar scent of you grounding him in reality, confirming this wasn't another wishful dream.

"Promise me" he murmured, his voice low and rough against your ear. "Promise me we won't hold back anymore."

"Never again."

He tightened his embrace at your words, his voice filled with determination and love.

"Good. We won't hold back again. I'm yours and you're mine."

He pulled away slightly to look at your face, his gaze filled with a mixture of adoration and possessiveness. He gently cupped your cheek again, his touch caressing your skin as if you were the most precious treasure he had ever held.

[9800sblog]

hi if it's okay can you do seonghwa love reading? it's okay if if you can't don't worry 💗💗

Seonghwa tarot reading

his love life in 2023

do I have his energy permission to do and share this reading? 6 of pentacles

to sum it up, his love life: 🏜🏜 non existent, dry, not moving, nothing, nada

how it was

9 of wands reversed, 4 of cups, 5 of cups, 6 of cups, page of swords reversed, the chariot reversed

i think he had a little crush and he couldn't go for it, he didn't have the opportunity to explore this option and that brought him some disappointment, the person might have chosen someone else. he doesn't seem to be in a point of his career where he can think of romance, since he carries so many emotions, it would be too reckless for him. he might have been very annoyed with happy couples, working on valentine's day was probably not a happy memory for him.

how it is

the magician reversed, wheel of fortune, 5 of swords, 10 of wands reversed

still, he can't get the relationship he wants. I think he wouldn't be able to think of anything else once he gets that, so he's waiting. he knows he can't plan or change destiny, so he's changing his perspectives and trying to be good and comfortable for himself, so that when that moment comes, he's good to go. nothing outside of himself seems to be happening, he is just thinking thoughts.

how it will be

the hierophant, 4 of wands, the tower, the devil reversed, the empress reversed, the emperor reversed

I think a couple is gonna be formed around him and he's just gonna be sad, like he's happy for them but "why can't that be meeee". I do think that this couple is a good influence on him, they're like mom and dad, they will be nice and thoughtful of others' feelings. I think it's gonna make him more excited and hopeful that things are gonna move faster for him too. he'd definitely hide it with fans but with friends, he'd be playfully physically fighting this couple and stuff. I think he likes them. the thing is that the empress and the emperor also indicate to me the fans and the company, both in reversed, meaning they're both taking a lot from him, so he has nothing to give to a possible partner (it's a blessing in disguise).

he'll be fine, this dude is so funny! I was laughing throughout the entire reading, he is such a nerd

[ultfreakme]

Helloooo, hope you’re doing well! What’re your thoughts on the last issue of aosjk?

Hi!!! I'm kinda sick and traveling RIP but I'm resting now thanks for asking!!

About AOSJK- it had so much potential and then it all got thrown in the dumpster for Beast World. AOSJK should've been a 12 issue, or 18 issue book, not 6. I didn't get time to be fully invested in Jon's arc, his struggles, his relationship with the people in Injustice. Everything interesting happened off-panel and was told through internal dialogue.

I'm just really disappointed with the horrible pacing. The hug, okay I GET IT. I GET that Jon has chosen to not give into his anger and grief, but I seriously feel like that shouldn't apply to Jon. Anger, frustration, sadness- those are all the right emotions for him to feel in his circumstance and expressing them IS healthy(also his powers have been hyped up for MONTHS and then he just HUGS THAT ASSHOLE like no fuck you- you either make him power down, or you do a fight. I hate how AWKWARD that moment was).

I think, that Jon is a good Superman, but in being so, he's not allowed to be himself. Superman doesn't fight, doesn't let his anger and grief guide him and is always doing his best to be kind, right and objective.

Superman hugs InClarkstice and doesn't fight because violence is what started all this. But what about Jon? What's Jon supposed to do with all his valid emotions?

I think Tom Taylor gave us a good Superman story idea, and delivered on the Superman values, but failed in giving Jon a proper emotional arc OUTSIDE of Superman(and also sucked at pacing this), I liked SOKE because it did a good job of showing how burdened Jon is by Superman but it's very clear it's distinct from 'Jon Kent'. In AOSJK, Jon's not much outside of Superman.

I think, that AOSJK needed more issues, and making this about Injustice ruined Jon's story arc. I think it should've been either an Ultraman story or an Injustice Clark story. If Tom Taylor wanted to do both, he should've done it in a much longer book.

I'm so mad because the idea is GREAT. The fact that Jon got what he wanted when Ultraman was insta-killed, him realizing WHY Clark doesn't do more through Inclarkstice, him witnessing abuse taking new form in someone like InClarkstice, and having to free another world from a dictatorship.

I like that InClarkstice wasn't forgiven and Jon continues to hold him accountable. But the story potential for AOSJK got crushed by-

This being a mini-series

The writer being Tom Taylor

This ham-fisted Beast World bs

No shade to Gar but I DO NOT CAAAARE. I DON'T CAAAAAARE. I HATE that a very compelling and good setting for Jon to explore the idea of non-violence and what he must do as Superman in this situation got completely RUINED BY FUCKING. BEAST WORLD.

Jon rescuing Val Zod and RT Lois, Jon's reaction to InJaystice getting hurt BECAUSE of him, Jon antagonizing ANOTHER Justice League, him being confronted with a whole new kind of abuse from another man wearing his father's face and having it reinforced even more that 'Superman' isn't 'Clark Kent' and thus his father isn't reliable, his still-existing trauma from the volcano and his emotions about Ultraman's death, him realizing Injustice is set in a world that he can't recuse all on his own and needs a lot of work--

All of it. Unexplored.

for BEAST WORLD.

One thing I hate about TT's writing these days is that he doesn't take risks and push his characters anywhere extreme. It gets close, but then he chickens out. He keeps doing that with Jon. Oh Jon's frustrated with Clark? Dw it's resolved in one issue. JonJay are having a tough time after project blackout? Hahaha here's one line about it and that's it. Injaystice is in serious danger? Actually no it's fine his arm just broke a little Jon's fine, Jay's fine, EVERYONE's fine.

The man doesn't know to take risks anymore.

Overall I was just...disappointed.

It's time Jon gets a new writer and gets taken in a different direction. I frankly think he's the best Super now for a +18 series that actually addresses his trauma PERCHANCE??? He's the one super that needs and frankly deserves to not abide by the 'Super' way. AOSJK left me disappointed tbh.

[emmycorcoran]

i wish i could unrecall how we almost had it all -> penemmy

TAGGING: @pennysylvester @emmycorcoran

LOCATION: PSU parking lot

SUMMARY: After awkwardly realizing that Penny is following her on social media again, and even more awkwardly calling her out via text, Emmy awkwardly runs into Penny crying in her car. It's... you guessed it, awkward.

PENNY

There was a reason Penny needed to be consistently moving, consistently busy, and this was exactly it. If she paused for even ten minutes, she had to think, and if she had to think, she had to acknowledge her life and what it had become, which is how she wound up seated in the driver's seat of her car with her phone in her lap and her head in her hands, ten minutes after reading a text from her husband. It was a simple text: will be home late, but the guilt that came along with her relief had grown too much, as had the realization that she was never going to truly be happy, because this was the life she'd chosen and Penny hated that.

Squeezing her teary eyes shut, she leaned her head back against the headrest, hands now gripping the steering wheel despite the car being off and stationary. Penny took a few deep, shaky breaths, willing herself to calm down. "Pull it together," she muttered to herself through gritted teeth. The staff parking lot was largely vacated by now, so she released one hand from the wheel and used it to push open the door some, letting a little fresh air into the vehicle.

EMMY

Emmy had spent the better part of the afternoon sawing away at the cello, wondering why on earth she had opted to play when one of her hands was starting to act up. She didn't want to panic over it, but panicking was so easy. She also didn't want to text Andy about it, because she'd already texted them about some kind of weird ailment that day, so Emmy decided to just pack it in. She had almost reached her car when she nearly tripped over an open car door. "Oh-- I'm so--"

But Emmy stopped dead as she realized it was Penny in the driver's seat, and Penny who looked very upset about something or other. Emmy's eyes flew open as she realized who it was and how she was clearly feeling, but it was like a train wreck she couldn't look away from. Not that Penny was the train wreck, but Emmy was done for no matter what when it was something regarding her, and there was no possible way she could walk away from that car without saying something.

Gently, Emmy crouched beside the open door, her mouth in an awkward, thin line as her eyes opened widely in a bit of a grimace. "Um, Penny? Are you okay?"

PENNY

Penny was usually so good at keeping up appearances. She barely even cried behind closed doors, never mind in public, but apparently that one simple text had been too much, and she'd accidentally let her usually solid facade slip. Too caught up in her emotions, she hadn't even considered anybody seeing her, let alone the person who actually did.

"Oh." Penny sniffed, immediately straightening. "Em, hey. Yeah, I was just—" Too flustered to even think of an excuse, even more so because of all people, it just had to be Emmy, someone she actually had been happy with, crouching beside her, Penny easily folded. She slumped, croaking out a soft, sad sounding, "No. No, I'm not okay." She shook her head, her teary eyes on Emmy.

EMMY

Emmy wasn’t totally sure how to handle this situation. It was one thing for Penny to be working at the same school as her. Really, that was fine. But it was wholly another for her to see just how upset Penny was— for whatever reason— and not know why or how to make it better. Emmy, despite her years of therapy, was not someone who was great in a crisis. And she could parrot all of those buzzwords back, but at the end of the day, it was really difficult for her to feel like she was doing anything that could genuinely help.

“What’s going on?” Emmy asked, frowning. God, she felt so unbelievably stupid. She had no idea how on earth she was supposed to react to Penny crying. “Are… are you sick?” What an idiot.

PENNY

It certainly wasn't that she viewed Emmy as weak, but Penny had always tried to be strong for Emmy. She knew the struggles Emmy faced, and she'd always hated adding to them. Being the one who needed comforting was weird for her, so Penny swallowed down a few deep breaths, then shook her head. "No, I'm not sick." She brushed the salty tears from her cheeks. "I'm just...stressed," was the word she landed on, and decided it wasn't totally a lie. "Life's just stressful, you know?" Despite herself, she gave Emmy a sad smile, her very presence bringing a certain sense of calm. Emmy had always had that power; it was incredible it still remained all these years later. "But I'm okay. Or I will be okay, I promise." She moved her eyes to her hands on the wheel. "Do you have your car?" She asked. "I mean, do you need a ride or anything?"

EMMY

God, Penny might as well have asked Emmy to start reciting War and Peace from backwards to forwards, but in Romanian. "Life-- yes," Emmy agreed, nodding her head as she swallowed, trying to buy herself some time to come up with something intelligent to say. "Life can be very cruel. I'm sorry you're so stressed." Can I do anything to help? The question died in her throat, because that wasn't really her job anymore, was it? "Uh-- no. I'm still not really driving. It's been-- a lot. I'm just waiting for Izzy to be done with classes, so I was heading over to the library..." Emmy raised and lowered one shoulder, but it couldn't stop her next few sentences. She wished she could stop the floodgates, but they'd opened. "You should be happy. Not stressed."

PENNY

Emmy was right, life could be cruel. But Penny’s wasn’t, or it shouldn’t have been. She had the picture perfect, cookie cutter life: a loving husband, a nice house, a dog, a picket fence, all she needed now were the 2.5 children and she was doing everything right. And yet here she was, hating everything about that. She should be grateful, so she needed to snap out of this now. “I should, you’re right,” she said with a false smile. “And I am. It’s just…one of those days, I guess.” While her voice still sounded croaky, her tears had stopped—both helped and hindered by Emmy, whose presence was, again, calming, but also heartbreaking, because…well. She’d once been Penny’s happiness, and she wasn’t sure she’d ever really stopped. “Do you want to wait for Izzy, or can I drive you home?”

EMMY

Emmy nodded. She knew this was not how she wanted to spend her afternoon, but she felt bad that Penny was struggling so much. It wasn’t that she no longer cared for the blonde, but more that their lives had been changed for the worse. They weren’t a unit anymore. And frankly, Emmy felt like she was an inconvenience— a part of Penny’s grueling schedule that didn’t need to exist. And so they didn’t. “No, that’s okay. You can go ahead, I’ll wait for Izzy. I’m sure you have a lot of things to do today. I don’t want to be a bother. But I’m glad you’re okay, and you deserve to have good and happy things.”

PENNY

It shouldn't have made Penny's heart sink, Emmy rejecting her ride home. They'd had nothing to do with each other for the last ten years, so what was one more day? Regardless, she nodded. "Okay, as long as you're sure." She refrained from telling her she had nothing to do, and that she was basically just going to drive around and stay out of the house as long as possible. It didn't matter anyway; Emmy didn't want to be in her company, and Penny couldn't blame her. "Thanks, Em." She flashed her a small, grateful smile. "You do, too."

[cleliacleliadatura]

On adopting unique traits for survival....

My observation of Italian men, and people, while in Italy was never one of fear. Not one Italian man ever made me feel pressured, scared or hunted-including at "aperitivo" hour. Maybe I was just lucky not to be their type.

While there may be the stereotype of the Italian lover and a wandering eye and sun-soaked trysts that Hollywood loves to portray, my immersive moment in time with the Italian culture suggested a sense of safety-a down to earth approach to life that was not a cinema ready trope. Although one time I did wander too far and didn't have money for a bus ticket so I hitched a ride with a classically handsome Italian man on his Vespa. That was magical.

So refreshing.

When Jack made it clear he had moved on with another woman, I found myself riding random city buses with no destination in mind, sketch pad in hand during some evenings. I felt numb. Hurt, betrayed. The whole reason I chose this location to study and live was to be closer to him, in my foolish 20 year old mind, I should've known someone 8 years older than me had more serious objectives in mind than being a free spirit.

Reality sets in, though. I got fined a thousand euros for going on bus rides without paying for tickets. Still haven't paid it to this day.

That summer, Jack & I had worked on a project together. It was during this project he met his current wife. The warning signs were there, including me spending hours drawing telephones for an animation, only for it to barely make it in the final cut. The whole time, I was sitting there, with a streak of dyed blue hair, at a desk face to face with him, as he ran pencils up and down my legs flirting with me.

^our favorite song at the time (cue eye roll)....

The whole time, she had been there....at the show, where over a hundred people gathered to watch the final work, they took photos together standing side by side. He pretended as if I didn't exist.

Later in a one sentenced email where we officially broke it off, he said "It must be the magic of dancers"....in reference to why he betrayed me for her. How hurtful and twisted that felt, knowing only 5 years earlier I was that person. How I wished then and there I had chosen a completely different path in life, one that did not involve consulting therapists for medications that made me gain weight, because that's what American culture told me to do when you felt sad, even for two weeks. How I hated myself for choosing college instead of sticking with full commitment to the creative and performing arts. I didn't believe in myself, and the idea of being a "creator" online, where any person can give the illusion of success and fame was not commonplace. Then, it was real or it was not. In the flesh.

I was a complete fool. Blinded by my own youthful privilege of assuming honesty. When I look back, I think we were better suited as bandmates or coworkers, nothing more....He was a drummer afterall, can't trust drummers.

Thank God Regina Spektor had released a new album just that summer, her lamenting emotional music helped me feel less alone. To be honest, I haven't sung with the same passion as I did back then since this event. He used to film me singing, including one time at the Machipongo Clam Shack. He really believed in me, and his artistry and devotion to the creative world blended with a keen aptitude for technology inspired me, motivated me. Whenever I sang a song, it was my love for him that made the words flow with genuine intention. Now I feel like there's a lump in my throat, and a frog lives in my voicebox. Blocked. I once asked him if he would share all the videos he took of me singing, when I was younger and my voice was powerful. He completely ignored this request. Maybe it gave him satisfaction knowing that this one thing I desired, some evidence, wouldn't be so easy. My dream of being a singer required more than just saying it, I had to show it. He took some of that away by refusing to give the footage. I recall a moment where he came to visit the States and I could tell he judged me for my privilege in many ways, including being an american citizen-of knowing English so well. Life was a lot easier for Americans than the modern Italian man in the contemporary capitalist world. Especially for an aspiring artist and filmmaker. I can understand his feelings, he was right about this and many other things. I suppose it was his lesson to me, a bitter one. One that has repeated in my life in many ways, of people not really being happy for me when I'm doing the things that make me feel happiest. Maybe to a few important people in my life where I perceived this sentiment, it was because they felt I didn't truly deserve it. Get in a kitchen, go be a waitress. Get a real job, you're no artist.

One night, after coming up from the beach and catching the sun, with a dumb grin on my face, we had a dinner with family and friends. We were talking, laughing and in the middle of a sentence he pointed up towards my parent's bedroom window. He didn't say anything else but "It's because of Babo." He laughed. This was his way of letting me know he knew my secret, that most of my luck in this world was because of my Dad.

Jack told me once, "...we are all tiny grains of sand..." At the time, it was the most profound thing I'd ever heard. So different than the general attitude and culture I was used to, it made me uncomfortable. At first, I didn't like thinking we were just here for a temporary experience or existence, to face the reality of our personal insignificance in the cosmos. I thought in order to achieve we were supposed to hone a strong sense of individuality, to know thyself. To compete, stand out. Meeting him taught me to open my mind, to step outside of myself and what I knew to be true. When he left, it was as if all I did was retreat into an even more self-centered chrysalis of self-doubt.

I realize now his philosophy was very particular to Italian culture, of not taking up too much space, or more than necessary in order to survive. This is reflected in an ecological way straight into the cuisine and daily habits. In America, people like big, fast, fancy, rich, and opulent. To me, perhaps I am wrong, most Italians that I met valued simplicity. They didn't eat too much, they didn't waste a lot, their living spaces were not huge. Many in the city didn't have personal cars, maybe a rideshare (not Uber). Many got food from a local market, not a store, and went every few days to replenish on fresh produce and smaller bags of grain, pasta, a modest selection of formaggio or a cut of meat from the machelleria. I had many awkward conversations in broken Italian with elderly men puffing on cigars playing chess in the vibrant squares, some muttering about Mussolini and the evils of fascism. I loved the espresso bars, with forest green marble countertops and faded gold trims, where people stood at all hours of the day to get their doppio espresso in a tiny porcelain bicchiere. There was something about this area that drew me in, maybe a legacy of the mind's eye from the Carlo Petrini "Slow Foods Movement" and ensuing lifestyle. Not living to work, savoring the day to day. Recyling. Not always needing "new". This was then, who knows what it's like now or if perhaps what I observed was merely a reflection of what I was seeking.

Jack used to comment on my need to edit.

During the celebration in the streets I mentioned in the post about Mopsey, the seeing eye dog, not once did I ever feel unsafe. I wasn't looking over my shoulder like I've felt in other places of the world.

It wasn't centered on drinking and getting black out drunk or violent/ransacking stores, which seems to inevitably happen in some places once a 100 or more people gather and run through streets. There was no stench (or aroma, depending on your point of view) of hashish fumigating the airwaves.

Plus, locals warned me hashish in Italy, if you looked for it, would most likely be cut with contaminants that caused Hep C, and it was very expensive, not a necessity.

It seemed to me the people of this city didn't need that to have a good time.

Moderation is an embedded practice.

There were a few times when I felt unsafe walking alone in the city. A man with a deep imposing voice and square hat tapped me on the shoulder, asking for money. He then started following me for about ten minutes-trying to get information about me. What is your name, where are you from, are you from America? Bionda bionda.

I entered a cafe and stayed there until he got bored and left.

Another time, someone in the rotating group, Chloe, wanted to go to a nightclub. She was younger than me and far more intent on partying it up and being the opt-in Serena Vanderwood of Italy.

Nothing impressed her, she always kept her cool.

She was a smart young woman and not easily stressed yet came back sobbing one night.

A man, not from Italy, had tried groping her and sexually assaulting her at the discoteca.

One night, after singing at the Jazz Club, I walked home at 2 am by myself.

I saw his long dress skimming the sidewalk and heard the sucking noises.

He was shouting lewd things at me and started circling me making very lewd gestures and calling me horrible names "American whore".

Never had our paths crossed, wittingly, prior to this moment.

Not having cell service, tired and alone, with at least a 20 minute walk ahead of me, I decided to use my past acting skills.

I starting hissing at him, the same way my childhood friend Thomas had taught me since kindergarten.

Making weird noises, like a monkey calling in the forest, and making a boxing stance.

He kept following me, circling me on his bike and trying to grab at me-it was so bizarre.

Finally, without thinking I just started running at top speed without looking back and cut through a few side streets. All in a romper and two inch wedges.

Another disturbing event was one of my roommates had a very abusive older boyfriend, American Lex, who worked for the "music industry". She was only 19, he was 40. He was at least 6'2. He reminded me of a snapping turtle aardvark, or a beanstalk with a large gut. He always wore expensive loafers, impossibly skinny black jeans, and a tight black turtleneck with a leather jacket. He was extremely controlling of her, his bald head a shiny mirror to the passerby. His skin was a pale shade of Voldemort. Every five seconds he would call her, it seemed, asking where she was and what she was doing, who she was with. Then when they'd spend time together, he'd ignore her and make it seem like he was super busy on really important business calls with super important people and that she was a waste of his time-all while seemingly glued to her body.

She spent most of her short time in Italy, the country she had always wanted to see including the Uffizi, which she made sure to let everyone know she had memorized each room because of her Art studies-in a state of PTSD.

At night she would cry and start eating chocolate stuffed croissants, sitting upright in her bed-staring at the wall in a dream state. I'd wake up in the morning to see at least 4 wrappers on the floor as her ringtone "Gasolina" by Pitbull woke all of us up.

She had dark circles under her eyes, one time her pale arm had what seemed to be a mark from someone grabbing it.

She was always tense, nervous, confrontational.

Without ever speaking to this man, I resented him for being a jerk to someone two decades younger than him which then made everyone else's life difficult.

Sometimes it works, but I've found that many relationships with a large age gap are not very psychologically healthy for the younger person.

Just my observations, there is no formula.

[vizthedatum]

I keep thinking about how to describe it

CW: descriptions of rape and brain fog after emotional and psychological abuse -- It's so hard. In my relationship with my ex/spouse, most of the time - I would say, according to my memory at this moment as I transition into menstruation-day-2 and I am so hazy from the pain, I wholeheartedly consented.

I was wildly attracted to them, and I'm (to my deepest chagrin) incredibly demisexual and hypersexual with physical touch/affection being my primary love language. Ugh, it's all so difficult.

I was literally calling it "coerced sex." (I am so sorry to my friends and my obgyn - with whom I've used this term, SIGH SIGH)

It's just that it felt different than all the other times I've been assaulted or raped. It turns out, you can still be surprised at all the forms of rape there are.

And I loved them. I loved them so much that despite everything, I married them.

I felt like I had to fawn and people-please to consent.

I felt like I would betray them if I didn't.

The way that the whole *love-bombing ~ controlling critical remarks ~ the fighting ~ the general control cycle* would work... was to initially get me into a reactive state.

I am a highly emotional and sensitive person who TRIES THEIR ABSOLUTE BEST to be grounded and level-headed.

But once you have me doubting my logical abilities, you can get me to whichever emotional state you want (*realizing that they're typing up a how-to in abusing me, but whatever*).

And when I'm highly stressed, I become highly sexual, even if I don't want to be. Even if I'm in so much pain that I can't move.

It's fine if I'm in that state with someone who makes me feel safe - then it's fun and nice and healthy.

It's maddeningly confusing when you're with someone who is supposed to love you -but- you don't want to be touched by them -but- you feel attracted -but- you are so so sad -and- they aren't even going to really have sex with you in a way that's going to be pleasurable anyway because they think you're too much work so you're really just an oversized human fleshlight who is prone to extreme pain and is "always in a crisis" -and- they weaponize your physical need for intimacy for their own needs - and- they don't do any foreplay (on purpose - they withhold it from me on purpose. they engaged in non-consensual psychosexual torture, and they will claim that they didn't know) -and- they cannot empathize with you.

...

I've been listening and reading to a lot of survivors of situations involving abuse from "narcissists" (or those who have narcissistic qualities who have chosen to abuse their partners in a consistent way -- I am trying to figure out how to best describe my experience without being ableist but it's so so so FUCKING hard - and I don't know yet, so please give me some grace). Anyway, this is really common!

They get you into a reactive emotional state (and I often was, despite all the things I did and used to cope) and you're often pushed to your limits with all the emotions you're feeling.

I suspect they were trying to get me into a state where I'd start abusing them. I definitely did yell back and cry sometimes. I never hit them. I never tried to coerce sex. (They did accuse me of doing that once, and I wrote about that in my PFA - because my memory is so fucked up from that incident (gaslighting), I don't know what happened really) It was almost like they were egging me on. And then when the visibly negative "abusive" part was over, it was a stark transition into loving stuff - things that they knew I like - things that were indicative of peace - and even if I didn't want to be touched, I was already feeling sexually charged - and then we'd have sex or have some sort of physical affectionate make-up... :/

...

The last time we had sex, and I still don't know if they know, I really didn't want to. I verbally consented, but I was just about to leave - leave the place where we lived to... uh be homeless. I was already in a daze - I don't drive intoxicated so I wasn't using any klonopin or weed or any other medication... so my reality was STARKLY REAL to me. Still in a haze. Autistic and heavily traumatized and feeling like trash.

I hadn't eaten, I don't think. They offered to get me food.

I hadn't moved from the same place on the couch all day. I don't even remember going to the bathroom. I don't think I had any clothes on - I don't remember how long it had been.

I had signed a lease that started in mid-December the previous day. It was the nicest place I had seen, somewhere I could maybe be comfortable and heal for a while? And it didn't check pay stubs. So many other landlords correctly suspected domestic violence even when I briefly mentioned why I was moving out. So I lied. I hadn't admitted it yet because when I tried telling my ex/spouse that it was abuse (because who else was I going to tell? My therapist?! sigh) - it got pushed to the side.

I had given up asking and figuring out how I was going to get my stuff.

I didn't know how I was going to support myself financially - I had been so careful. I knew I could do it - I could make something work. I was just going to figure it out as I went along, with contingencies in place. I didn't become skilled in math and statistics for nothing.

I was leaving knowing that I could still be trapped - we were married even though I had broken up with them. I still loved them. I needed them? (A common tactic is to get people completely dependent on them - even if they have options - it's all a part of the control.)

The previous day, my housing plan for until I could move into my new place fell through - my meta called and said it was off the table; it would have been my other partner's (now ex-partner) old place. I remember crying (or internally crying?) on the phone with them, and remembering that they told me that they understood. Just crying in my car with flowers I bought myself for my last weekend with my ex/spouse.

I couldn't feel my body, but I knew somewhere deep inside, I was in pain.

I had just gotten back from 2?3? weeks of traveling back to my hometown (well, mostly my hometown) to help my brother move out of my abusive parents' home. FINALLY. It was fucking awful. I love my parents, and it was my mom's birthday, and she gave me all the family heirlooms and the stuff she had saved for my wedding/marriage.... and like surprise medical announcements! and more abuse! and I hated it all, even though there were some good moments. And my ex/spouse had yanked out my IUD before I went there so when I got back... my body was in shambles.

I was barely eating. I was hyperfocused on: voting, not getting covid, seeing my other partner and the other person I was dating (I don't think I had time to see friends), emotionally preparing for isolating forever with ex/spouse, finding an apartment as fast as I could, vaguely asking friends if I could stay with them, finding a job, figuring out what I even wanted to do for a job, publicly stating that I have autism....

My ex/spouse had me isolated in an Airbnb when I came back - so I negotiated to figure out how to see two people (and only those people) before my isolation period ended. They'll tell you this was all my idea, but they cornered me into unnecessary isolation - and they were not happy I was seeing my other partner and the person I was dating (not because of jealousy, but because they wanted to control me -- a reminder, they are poly too, and I was "officially" dating "approved" people -- and well whatever, my ex/spouse is doing relationships all wrong so it doesn't even matter. I never cheated on them - they knew what I got up to, and I got up to a lot. They just didn't like it, and they didn't want to work on it with me because they just wanted to control me.)

They got testy with me if I didn't take my covid test at the same time every day. Even though IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.

The last person I hung out with before I came back to my ex/spouse slept in, and I was having a really nice time, and I didn't take my covid test until almost 3pm that day (Friday). So my ex/spouse had me shift my return back to our home to 3pm (the following Tuesday).

I remember driving around a bit after checking out of the Airbnb, telling myself I was so excited to see them. I truly was. I missed them.

It was nice when I came back until they started to yell at me for all my disgusting behaviors. I had torn a hole in our marriage. I needed to leave. Strands of my hair were burning their tongue. They didn't want me.

And then they apologized but not really.

And it continued like that cyclically, hour after hour, as long as I was conscious. I tamped down my anxiety and trauma responses as best I could. So that was the state I was in... the day I left. I was fully broken. I had masked behaviorally with my future landlord and my friend (who I had snuck out to see on Saturday UNMASKED (no face mask) - he just wanted to get me tea and comfort me. We weren't/aren't seeing each other or anything. He and I had been friends for years, and I think he could tell, but I couldn't even tell him, even though he'd understand. And now he does. He's one of my biggest supporters.), and it took everything out of me.

I dropped my touch boundary. I don't remember dropping it. I wanted them so badly. I wanted them to LOVE me. To be actually affectionate with me. I was not in the right state of mind. I felt like I was blacking out on the inside. I had to stay conscious to drive to the house down the street, where the friend I was dating lived and even though they were already triggered by what was going on, I didn't have that many options until later in the week, so that's what I was going to do.

Well, suddenly, we were having sex and I remembered being disembodied and saying yes - I felt like I was a robot, I knew what to do and how to be - just mindlessly being in position.

And then I had a panic attack. I think I collapsed where I was or went on the floor - I can't remember. I think I was screaming. And crying. And wanting to throw up.

They yelled at me. I couldn't respond at all. I couldn't stop screaming or maybe I was screaming inside my head - I don't know.

I think the sex continued and then stopped? They kept yelling.

I don't know what happened until I was grabbing my suitcase and the boxes I had packed earlier that week and shoving them into my car. They tried to help, unhelpfully. I needed them to carry things because I often ended up with no physical strength around them. They remarked on how things wouldn't fit, even though they did fit - I made them fit.

I didn't want to kiss them goodbye. I felt like I would die if I didn't say yes.

I did kiss them goodbye. It was the worst kiss of my life. I hated myself. I loved them. I thought I was pathetic.

--

And then I got in my car, texted my friends, and got lost driving even though I was literally going less than a mile away.

And then I probably triggered my friend even more - and I felt like I was too damaged to ever really be loved again. I was very shaken up when I showed up at their place. I felt like a monster to be dating them. They were so nice, even though also kind of shaken? I'm sure it all seemed so chaotic. We ended up making out, and it made me feel warm on the inside like I meant something to someone. And then they retreated... and I realized sadly that they probably thought it was inappropriate. I don't know if they were joking or not, but it was implied that maybe I seduced them? I don't know. I shouldn't take it personally. I don't want to force something on someone, like that. I just enjoy being held and kissed - I don't think it's wrong to want that, even if you went through something. On the flip side, it's also not wrong to stop kissing a friend you're dating who has just fled their ex/spouse. We stopped, and I went to bed. Thoughts went through my mind (and they still do): No one will want to be with me like this. They only want you when you're quiet and look the part - they only want to use you for *some* of the things you know and your body - they don't actually want you. They can't give you what you need. Only you can.

And then a couple days later, my friends convinced me to truly cut things off with my ex/spouse and start actually saying it was domestic violence... and life has been brighter ever since. Hard as fuck. But better.

[muresetivoire]

Moony × Reader

Word count: 3577 words

Genre/Warnings: Fluff/Angst

If you want you can check out some more on wattpad (:

As I ran along the corridor, late for class, I bumped into someone with a loud ouch. "I'm so sorry" "Hey its no problem, let me help you," a soft voice responded. As I reached for my potions home work, a hand brushed mine. Remus John Lupin, my rival. The only person who's intelligence rivaled mine. The person who makes my life living hell. The sweetest gum-drop to everyone, loved by all. However, I'm not "all."

"Y/N?" he asked, looking at you with those big brown eyes. "I'm fine Lupin," I respond as I grab my book from his hand. "At least let me-" "I said I'm fine." He slowly gets up, and offers me a hand. I huff and shove it as I stand. "You know I was only trying to help y-" "I'll see you in class Lupin," and with that I storm off, leaving a very confused boy.

Now you're probably wondering, what makes one hate Remus Lupin, the sweetest guy, the glory of the marauders. Well let me tell you, not much.

My mother and his were the very best of friends, there by, we became best friends. Every holiday, every weekend, every opportunity we got, we were at the Lupins. Remus and I grew close. He shared his love for reading with me, a love I always had but never felt so confidence to share with him. From fantasy to romance, I read it all, but I never shared it with him. The vulnerability I felt knowing he'd see what I enjoyed, what I loved, what I wanted, it was too much. His mum told my mum about his "illness." He thought himself a freak, a monster. He would cry about it, the pain he felt, the embarrassment of scars. To me, he was all but an angel sent from heaven, beautiful and pure.

Before we began Hogwarts, we made a promise to never leave each other's sides, to remain best of friends, no matter the houses or the circumstances. As it turned out, we weren't sorted in the same house. Everyone was shocked knowing that studious Remus was sorted in Gryffindor while me, odd-ball and awkward, was sorted in Ravenclaw. At first we were both shocked, but we kept the promise.

Until one faithful day.

Now while I never shared my love for reading with him, I did share everything else. My love for baking, knitting and potions, you name it, he knew. We shared our darkest secrets with each other. He shared his insecurities about his scars, and me my insecurity about being "fat." We made plans to open a book/tea shop, he would supply the books and I the tea, obviously. He knew everything about me, except for my reading and I knew everything about him. And for that, I loved him, but he never loved me.

In the beginning of the first year in Hogwarts, in the middle of a potions class, we were presented with amortentia. Why we were presented with such a complex potion at such a young age, I couldn't tell you. Perhaps Professor Slughorn was feeling cheeky. I smelt him in it. I smelt the soft worn out pages of the books that he read, I smelt the roses he always grew, his chocolate he always carried and something entirely him. After class, we met at the lake, our place where we'd meet and study. As I approached him, he seemed really tired, as usual, and something I thought I never imagined he would posses, anger, raw and bitter anger.

"Hey Rem, you alright?" He turned to me with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. "Rem oh Gods, whats wrong?" I rushed towards him and slowly wiped his tears away. "Talk to me, please," I asked softly while I wiped all evidence of tears. He looked up at me, those beautiful kind eyes, eyes that held so much emotion but always the best ones. "I don't want to talk about it," he said batting my hands away. I awkwardly fixed my glasses, "Okay well whenever you're ready, you want to start studying for our potions exam?" I began to unpack my bag when he got up, fuming. "You know what, yeah I do want to talk about it" I sat up, completely confused. "Remus?" "Y/N how is it, the one person, the one person who hates reading, detests it, passes every exam without fail? And not just passes, but tops every class. How?"

I sat there gaping, "Well I-" "Don't lie to me, don't you dare." I stood up, a feeling of anger consuming me. "What do you mean Remus? I study just like you, just like everyone." He grunted and groaned, "Stop lying to me," he screamed, "I read everyday, I study all the time, and yet you, you get all the awards, all the academic glory" I feel myself begin to heat up and tears begin to form, tears I begged not to fall. "What do you want me to say Remus? That I cheat? That- That I use spells to make me remember? Is that what you want to hear?" He stares at me, his gaze hardening. "I'll give you one chance, and one chance only, tell me the truth." I step back, gaping, confused. "I already told you Remus, I do the same as you, I study." He looks to me and says in a tone I never believed he could conjure, "Fine, if that's what you want to tell me, don't talk to me at all." "Remus you can't be serious." The tears I tried my best to hold, began to spill furiously as his words made me crumble. "Y/N, I don't ever want to talk to you, I don't want to see you, I don't want to study with you and I sure as hell-" "I smelt you in the amortentia today," I blurt surprising myself. "You what?" "I smelt you, the chocolate, the roses, your books," I say sniffling. He laughs, a cruel sarcastic laugh, "Oh really? Me? You must be joking?" I stare at him, confused and hurt. "You think I'd ever smell you, or like you. Y/N you're bloody lying to me, I could never like, or for that matter, love someone as hideous as you." My eyes begin to gush now. How dare he? The one person I trusted, my best friend. "Remus you don't-" "Oh but I do," he said while he picked up his bag and looked at me. "What about our plans?" He looks to the school, "I could never work with someone like you Y/N, I've never disliked someone as much I dislike you now." He begins to walk to the school, "Remus wait I-" "Leave me alone forever Y/N, and don't come here anymore, I have other plans here, plans that don't include you." With that, he walked away, leaving me, my tears streaming, my glasses foggy and my heart broken.

So you see, I never really hated him, but I obliged to his wishes. We never met again, he hung out with his friends, James and Sirius and Peter. As for me, I hung out with the first person I spoke to in Hogwarts, Andromeda Black. Now, Andromeda and I are two very different people, but we shared a love for potions . She knew of my love for reading, she saw me reading on my first night at Hogwarts. We became quick friends, and she soon became my best friend. She's like a sister to me, but I never did tell her about Remus.

After I left Remus on the corridor, I ran and met Andromeda in potions. "Hi dearie, saved me a seat?" She laughs and moves her bag. "Students, please note, today we will be brewing potions in pairs," the class sighs, "pairs that have already been chosen." I sigh loudly. "Cmon its not that bad, you could be paired with that cute Hufflepuff guy." We laugh softly. Remus and another guy run in and swiftly sit down. Professor Slughorn begins to call the list of pairs. "Andromeda Black and Xenophilus Lovegood," with that Andromeda groans and gets up. "Y/N Y/L/N and Remus Lupin," and my mouth fell open.

Remus came to my seat and we began to collect and prepare the potion. No one knew the potions name, only its ingredients. However, these ingredients seemed familiar but it never clicked. I felt his eyes stare through me. From the first year to the fifth year, my body didn't really change, I still remained a "fat girl" but hey I grew some boobs. Does he still think I'm hideous, I thought. I shake my head and we work in silence. "So how are you Y/N" he asks softly. Those beautiful innocent eyes stare right through me. Nope, not happening. "I'm fine Lupin" "Quite the tumble you took today, I-" "Let's just finish this okay?" He shakes his head and we work in silence. He seemed, nervous? Sad? Distressed was the word. After finishing the potion, we all gathered at the front. Dread began dawn on me as I fit the puzzle pieces together. "Now, who can tell me the name of this potion hmm?" "Amortentia , sir," I say in a soft voice.

"And Y/N can you tell me what happens when you smell this potion?" "You smell things that you like sir," I answer shakily. "Very good Miss Y/L/N, please, do us the honours of smelling the potion first." Dread fills me, but I still walk towards his desk. Please, I silently beg, please. "Well Y/N what do you smell?" I inhale the the aroma. "I smell- I," I gulp, "I smell roses, chocolate a-and books." Professor Slughorn applauded and awarded Ravenclaw 20 points and I return to my original place. I feel his eyes on me, but I only feel pain. After four years, how can I? As class is dismissed I begin to rush outside, but he grabs my hand. "Y/N please wa-" "Let go of me Lupin" "Y/N, please I-" "Lupin let go of me," I hear my voice break with emotion. He hears it too and let's me go.

Later that evening, at the brink of dusk, I sit in my room reading. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, a favourite of mine, and one of Remus' too. I sighed and stared out the window. Its been four years Y/N, pull yourself together. Those four years were one of the most brutal years. Thank goodness for Andromeda, without her I'd be so lost and defeated. After that day where Remus and I fought, he moved on well, he was constantly surrounded by his friends and well I, I was alone. I spent my time helping Madam Pomfrey. I learnt how to conjure spells to fix injuries and how to fix bones and so on. Although Remus and I stopped speaking, I never told anyone about his "illness," but I did help make the potion to control it, Madam Pomfrey taught me how to. He didn't know this either, not that he'd care or want to talk to me or- Pull yourself together Y/N, he forgot about you, he kept his promise and you did too. I sighed and began to turn in for the night, my mind racing.

To say I avoided Remus for the next week was an understatement, I ran from him. I spotted him the corridor, I ran the other way. Saw him in class? Sat away from him. Saw him in the library or lake? I'd be gone before he could say quiditch. It hurt, but I needed to do it, our last conversation played in my head over and over again. I couldn't bear his venom again, but I missed him, but could I manage without him? Hell yes.

On the Sunday that week, I walked down the stair well of my common room, wearing a fluffy sweater and cozy joggers. It was exactly midnight and I'd gone avoiding Remus perfectly. The heavy monsoon of October interrupted my sleep, but otherwise the school was sound. I crept down and checked for anyone. No one, lovely. Now I know what you're thinking, Y/N what on earth are you doing? Its bloody midnight. Well, I'll tell you. I was going to read. Due to my hectic schedule and lack of free periods, I spent most of the day working. But at night, it was the only time I read. I grabbed my wand and made my way to the library, my footsteps muffled by the pitter patter of the rain.

As I reached the library, I sighed in relief. No hiccups on the way, thankfully. However, the scent of chocolate lingered in the air. I tensed but brushed it aside, he was here today Y/N, I said to myself. I shook my head and began to search for a new book. I gently tapped my wand against a lantern and held it. Tonight was a mellow night, I wanted some excitement, a bit of comfort. I sighed, laughing to myself as I grabbed Pride and Prejudice from the bookshelf. I made my way to my reading nook, a cozy little spot, very hard to find, between the ends of the furthest bookshelves. As I read, my eyes became droopy. Five minute won't kill me, I convinced myself. As my eyes grew heavy and began to shut, a loud crash jolted me awake.

Who on this bloody earth would be in the library at this hour, I thought to myself. I extinguished the lantern and hid between two bookshelves. I held my breath and counted silently as I heard footsteps approaching. I exhaled slowly as I heard them fade away slowly. I stood up and sighed, picking my book from the ground, making my way back to my nook. Or I would have, if it weren't for the hand that grabbed me.

I spun around and was promptly shoved against the bookshelf, a warm lean body pressing into my cold soft one. They covered my mouth but I saw no hand, their other hand trapping my hands above my head. They slowly removed their hand from my mouth, and removed their cloak. The warmest brown eyes, eyes filled with emotions I've only read about, met mine. "Remus," I exhaled in a mix of shock, hurt and relief.

He stared at me, those big thoughtful eyes watching my every move. He took his hand and fixed my glasses that slipped down. "Hi Y/N," he said softly. My heart caught in my chest and my throat felt thick with emotions. "Let go of me Lupin," despite me being a larger girl, Remus was still stronger, by a lot. "Cmon Lupin, let me go, I'll leave and you can have your private time," I begged looking into those beautiful hazel eyes. "If I let go," he whispered softly, his breath tickling my ear, as he leaned in,"will you let me talk for a minute?" My heart hammered, "Yes." He slowly let go of my hands and stepped back. I sighed with relief, and then shoved him and ran.

I ran out the library, down the hall. I heard him calling my name but my tears that streamed my face answered why I couldn't stay. After four years, I never did stop loving my- the big goof. I reached the end of the corridor and ran onto the lawn, a stitch forming in my right side. I gasped as I felt myself begin to freeze in the cold rainy night. Bloody twit used a hex on me. He approached me with a vigor and I stared at him, tears streaming, and my heart hurting.

"What the hell Remus, let me go," I gritted as I tried to move. He took my wand away and held it. "Look, I just want to talk, I'll let you go but please, please listen to me," he pleaded. How could I ever say no to that beautiful boy? I nodded as best as I could and he unfroze me, my wand still in his hand.

I stared at him, my tears flowing in torrents, just like the rain, "What do you want Remus? I did as you asked, I left you alone," I shout over the boom of thunder. He looks at me and I saw tears flowing down his face too, "Tell me the truth Y/N" "Remus I di-" "No Y/N, tell me why you wake up every night, why you sneak off to the library every night." "I-Remus b-" "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, his voice cracking, "You made everyone believe you were uninterested, bored by reading. You lied to me," I sobbed. "I didn't want you to-" "To what Y/N to judge you?" he stepped closer to me as the rain and soaked our clothes. "To what, think you a nerd? Like me?" "No I-" "Y/N is that really what you think of me, well than-" "I lied because I couldn't let myself be vulnerable around you," I say as I sob looking away, "Remus, I- I didn't want you to see what I liked or what makes me cry, or angry or happy," I sniff as thunder booms, making us both jump. "Then why did you tell Andromeda?" I gape at him, "Yeah why?" I felt my anger build up, "She found me reading one day Lupin, I don't have to explain myself to you," I huffed as I began to walk away. "I smelt you, in the amortentia," he admitted, his voice thick with emotion.

"In our first year, I smelt you," he said, stepping closer to me,"I smelt green apples, like your perfume, cookies, like what we baked, and books. Books." I stand staring at him but he continued. "I smelt you but you never told me about how you read, why you'd come to class tired, or why you stayed up all night. I thought you trust me Y/N" "I did Remus and I do," I cried, "I just couldn't afford to be vulnerable around you." "Wh-" "Because I love you Remus," he stared his mouth ajar, "I've always loved you Remus, I love that you trust me, that you showed me everything, your likes, dislikes, loves, hates, the good and bad." The thunder boomed but I continued, "I didn't tell you because I was scared Remus, it felt like sharing a piece of my heart with you, and I didn't know if I wanted to share so much, knowing that you didn't love me." I sob miserably as tears flow slowly down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry Y/N, I never meant to hurt you," he cried stepping closer to me,"I know what I said that day, and I've never forgiven myself for it," he said as be wiped his eyes, the thunder rolling. "I'm sorry and I know I hurt you, I thought you hated me," "Remus I-" "I thought you hated me and preferred Andromeda to me." "Rem, you were my best friend, and I loved- I still love you," I admit, defeated, "I didn't want to show you everything, I didn't want you to hate me." He holds my hands and intertwined our fingers, "How could I hate you when you're my love?" he asked, as he crashed his lips to mine.

My eyes widened but I slowly melted into his embrace. He dropped my hands and pulled me in gasping softly. His hands wrapped around my waist and mine, tangled in his chocolate locks. I never felt such passion, such emotion, emotions I only read about. I felt tingling sensations stretch across my body but his touch soon soothed it. He pulled away slowly, both of us gasping for air. "I've always loved you Y/N," he said as he pulled me close, his hands wrapped around my waist,"I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm so-," I silence him kissing him softly, "It's okay Rem, I would have probably gotten mad too," I said sniffling. He chuckled stroking the small of my back. "Well, I think of a way I can make it up to you." "Oh?" I sniffle as I look at my beautiful boy. "Y/N, you are the love of my life, I love, love, love you," he holds my chin and and makes me look up at him. Raindrops and tears mixed and fell down both of our faces. "Be my girlfriend, and maybe one day-maybe one-," I kiss him and he sighs, relieved. "Yes Rem, I'll be your girlfriend."

He hugs me and kisses my forehead. We hold hands and walk in the rain, talking and laughing. "So how on earth did you know that I read in the night?" I ask him. He laughs and pulls us into the corridor, sopping. He shows me the marauders map and explains it. "I'm sorry I spied on you," he apologised blushing. He held my hand and led me back to my common room. When we reached, I turned to him. "Thank you for the walk Rem, I'll see you in class today?" He smiles his signature gorgeous grin, "How about we skip today?" I laugh and I kiss him, "Whatever you want Rem, Whatever you want."

[petri808]

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Inukag Royalty Au *in honor of Tanabata coming up, it was worked into the chapter 😊

“Oh, look Rin, there’s a traveling marionette show today. Do you want to watch?” She and Kagome had been wandering around the marketplace when they stumbled onto it.

“Yeah!” The child squealed in delight. “I’ve seen them before and they’re really good!”

“I think we got here just in time,” Kagome scanned for a seat. “There,” she pointed, “let’s sit down before it starts.”

It was quite amazing to see this group of traveling entertainers. Such troops would pass through her own kingdom, but Kagome was rarely allowed to leave the castle to watch them. From what she could see on their signs, they put on different shows for adults with a variety of acts, and puppet shows for the children, staying for a few days before moving onto the next town. The story they were about to perform was a classic tale of the star-crossed lovers Orihime and Hikoboshi. It was cute, albeit a bittersweet tale of eternal longing. Just as the show was getting ready to start, Kagome felt a body sit down beside her. She glanced over with her peripheral to make sure they weren’t a problem and noticed a familiar set of claws on the persons hands.

“Prince?” Kagome whispered not wanting to draw attention. “What are you doing here?”

“Miroku and I saw you two,” Inuyasha whispered back.

Kagome leaned forward a tiny bit and noticed Miroku on the other side of Inuyasha who nodded in recognition. “I see…”

“We we’re bored,” Inuyasha threw in, “so decided to join you.”

The comment made Kagome chuckle, which then caught Rin’s attention, who looked over and saw the men. The child’s eyes lit up at seeing her uncle and in her excitement, she got off her seat and quickly plopped herself onto Inuyasha’s lap.

“Guess I’m just a chair now,” he chuckled too. "Behave and watch the show or I’ll kick you off my lap.”

“I’m always a good girl,” the child retorted with a grin before turning back to the stage.

And she was. Rin sat enthralled by the whole production. They really were as good as she’d portrayed to Kagome. From the quality of the marionettes to the actor’s voice work, they truly pulled you into the story. But for the adults, it brought on a different wave of emotions, at least it did for Kagome. While the story was beautiful, she could identify with Princess Orihime’s longing for the one she’d fallen in love with despite her father’s rules… and to be torn apart because of it… At least, the Princess in the tale got to see her love once a year. Kagome won’t be able to do the same. She didn’t notice the small frown growing on Inuyasha’s face, because she avoided looking in his direction. He was her Hikoboshi, but she didn’t want him to notice the moisture clouding her eyes or realize how much the story was having an effect on her.

Once the final act was complete, the puppeteers came out from behind the curtain to bow to the audience’s wild applause. It was a great success for most including Rin who was clapping and bouncing on her uncle’s lap with excitement. Kagome was happy the child enjoyed the performance even though it took a toll on her.

“I love this story…” both Kagome and Inuyasha mumble at the same time, causing them to stiffen and turn to face the other.

“You do?” Inuyasha questioned.

“It’s sweet,” Kagome responded with heat coloring her cheeks. “Even though I feel bad for them.”

“Me too.” Inuyasha mumbled. “It’s not fair.”

Her eyes slightly widen, fully understanding what he was feeling in that moment. But as much as she would have loved to say more, Kagome knew she couldn’t, not in public like this.

“What’s not fair?”

Leave it to Rin to bring them back to the present.

“Oh, um,” Kagome quickly gave her attention to the little girl. “What uncle Inu means is it’s sad that Orihime and Hikoboshi only get to see each other once a year.”

After a brief pause, the child’s eyes widened. “Ohhhh,” Rin acknowledged her understanding. “Yeah, that’s not very fair. But at least they found someone.” She turned around and looked up. “Isn’t that a good thing uncle Inu?”

Again, the innocence of a child worked wonders for lightening the mood.

“Yes,” Inuyasha smiled down at his niece. “It is a good thing.” But his eyes drifted towards Kagome as he continued. “I’m sure Hikoboshi appreciates all the time he gets to spend with his Orihime.”

For several seconds the pair hold a gaze with one another. No words needed to communicate a sense of longing despair. Kagome may have been painfully aware of Inuyasha’s insinuation, but so was Miroku. The princes guard cleared his throat loudly, breaking the moment. “Inuyasha, we should get back to our patrols.” He spoke matter of fact.

“Right,” the hanyo grumped. Miroku constantly warned him about letting his true feelings slip, and even though he knew his friend was just looking out for him, Inuyasha didn’t need to like it. He sighed. “Okay Rin, time to get off. Uncles gotta go back to work.”

“Okay!” Rin jumped off his lap and stood next to Kagome who’d also risen to her feet. “We should finish our shopping and get back to the castle too,” she took hold of the child’s hand. “Say goodbye to your uncle Rin.”

“Bye uncle Inu!” She waved as the pair made their way back into the throng of market goers.

For the rest of the day, Kagome pushed aside the incident in the marketplace. Why think about it when it would only make her sadder at her circumstances, especially since for Rin it had been a fun experience hanging out with her uncle. She didn’t want the child to see that side of life for as long as possible. Even at dinner, Inuyasha was quieter than usual, but Kagome didn’t want to assume anything, so she went about her routines like normal pretending everything was fine. Sometimes it was easier to ignore reality. That is until Rin was already tucked into bed and Kagome headed towards the library to get some reading done. If there was one thing that could take her mind off most things it entailed drowning her thoughts in an academic book.

Most of the time.

Of all the stories that troop could have chosen for a children's play, why a sad love story? Why not a fanciful fairytale like a prince saving a princess from an evil villain or an adventurer searching for treasure and fame? But it wouldn’t be fair to pin all her woes on the performers. The Tanabata story was a popular one after all. Kagome sighed as she shifted in her seat to pull her legs up and under her body. The book she'd chosen was about medicinal herbs because she was curious about useful treatments. She'd hoped the interest would be enough to pull her away from thinking about the play, but it wasn't working. Maybe she just needed to give herself more time to process everything. 'Or maybe you need to do the opposite and stop thinking about anything!' Kagome chided herself. She really did need to stop letting her emotions control her. 'You're supposed to be hiding out here, remember?!'

It was the sound of approaching footsteps that caused Kagome to stop reading and look up from her book. Was it a guard? Nope, just Inuyasha.

“Oh, good, you’re here,” Inuyasha dropped onto the couch next to her. “I didn’t know who else to turn to.”

“Inuyasha? What’s wrong?” She put the book down when she saw the anger brimming in his eyes. “Did something happen?”

The prince let out an annoyed sigh. “I just had a huge fight with my dad.”

“A fight? Over what?”

“You.”

“Me?!” Her eyes widened. “Did I do something wrong?!”

“No, no, not you,” he grabbed her hands. “It’s all me. I… I-I told him— I told him that I refuse to honor the agreement to marry someone else. He wouldn’t even tell me who she is, so how would I ever be okay with it? I just can’t! Not when I’m already in love…”

Kagome swallowed back hard. “You are?”

His grip tightened, gaze turned serious and focused. “I told him I was in love with you. Kagome I can’t deny that anymore no matter how much I tried.”

“But you know we can’t—”

“I know, I know, it’s crazy, but after that story…” Inuyasha let go of her hands for a moment to gesticulate. “I just couldn’t stop thinking about it! I told him I’d rather stay single for the rest of my life if it meant still being around you… even if that’s all I get to have. I just want to stay in your life in any way I can.”

Kagome didn’t know what to say. With all her heart she wished it could work, but knowing she too was living a lie that she couldn’t reveal coupled with such a major potential for scandal… her voice lowered in hesitation. “Inu this is crazy…”

“Do you love me?” Is all Inuyasha blurted out.

“Yes—” she spoke from the heart, “but—”

Inuyasha took her hands again and brought them to his chest. “Then that’s enough for me.”

Despite his efforts to reassure her, Kagome couldn't be happy about this declaration of love. She'd heard some of the whispers starting around the castle about their forbidden relationship. What if someone started to talk? What if someone started to question her true origins? All it would take is someone mentioning to the wrong person the woman in the castle who'd stolen the prince’s attention. And what about the royal family? How will they treat her now? Will they see her as a jezebel? A woman who’d infiltrated their life to cause problems?? Kagome shook her head. “But there must be consequences!” She knew all too well as a hypocrite, the rippling damages that could occur from breaking such trusts. “You don’t just break an agreement like that without consequences.”

“Nothing’s gonna happen to you, I give you, my word. As for me, I can handle my dad. He was angry but believes he can make it work, probably honor the rest of the deal just minus the marriage part.”

“Which was?”

“In exchange for the marriage, we guaranteed to protect that kingdom. They’re smaller than us, so they really have no choice but to take the amended deal because it at least assures them of safety.”

Kagome was so torn in that moment about what to do. She couldn't tell him the truth yet, not because she didn't trust him, but because she didn't want to burden him with it. If anyone were to find out who she really was, they might notify her parents and her life at the palace would truly be over with. It was selfish, but could anyone blame her? This was the first time in her life she's experienced freedom and happiness. Ugh, why’d she have to fall in love with Inuyasha? Why’d Inuyasha have to fall in love with her? Is fate always so cruel? First the idea of an arranged marriage, but now to be stuck in a forbidden one. Was she cursed? Were they both cursed?

“Y-You’re sure your father won’t hold this against me? Because I-It wasn’t planned. I never intended for any of this to happen.” The tears had begun to fall down Kagome’s cheeks at the enormous weight levied onto her shoulders.

“Neither had I,” Inuyasha wiped at the tears and cradled her cheek. “Neither of us could have controlled what our hearts desired.”

“But I’m scared Inu…”

“I swear on my life nothing will happen to you and if it comes to it, we’ll run away, far away and hide just me and you.” He leaned their foreheads together. “I don’t care about my title. I just want to be with you.”

“I wanna be with you too,” Kagome breathed out.

“Then have faith in our destiny.” Inuyasha tilted Kagome’s face up and swept his lips over hers, earning a shivering sigh. He then centered and placed pressure into a deeper kiss.

Kagome melted into the kiss as her fingers moved up and gripped to his shirt. Let her fears be damned in that moment, for if this earned her banishment in the end, just tasting his lips this once… she could die happy knowing she’d felt love. It was more than she ever thought she’d achieve in this gilded life.

“I’ll try,” she whispered an honest answer. “In you… I’ll believe…”

[masc-reader-insertss]

birthday- klaus hargreeves

ahh i've been away for so long i have a job now n i'm applying for a start into a degree (crazy,,) soo i wanted to write something small just to make up for me being away (plus it was just october first aka hargreeves day soooo)

y/n and klaus look out for each other on the streets, and though they don't have much, y/n is determined to make his best friends birthday special

tw - homelessness, poverty, hints at drug dealing/prostitution/drug addiction (this is set way back on klaus's 21's, he/they pronouns klaus and he/him pronoun reader but tbh you could read it as they/them or any other nonbinary pronoun because it doesn't go into detail on body, also i kind of wanted to give a backstory to the jacket sooo)

——

y/n and klaus had known each other for over a year now. they were both out on the street, and they watched over each other. it didn't take long for them to get close, they were all each other really had out here, so when y/n realised that's klaus's birthday was coming up, he wanted to make it extra special. he knew how down the other got, he'd seen it last year, and really he couldn't blame them. this wasn't a situation anyone ever wanted to be in, and on special days like that, it all just felt even worse.

they didn't have much money, only what y/n made from busking, and what klaus made from whatever he did that he refused to tell y/n about no matter how many times he pleaded to know. still, y/n wanted to make today special for them, to show them that even out here, he still had someone who cared about him, no matter what. the challenging part was making up an excuse to get away to go and get everything he needed. they never really left each others side, except for when they both went off to make whatever money they could so they wouldn't have to starve, so y/n knew he had to be careful about how he did this, or klaus would know something was up.

"where are you off to?" klaus tilted their head a little as y/n grabbed his guitar case. y/n gave a small shrug and pointed to the case before he spoke up. "i'm gonna go busk, make us enough to eat" he hummed, but he could tell straight away klaus wasn't buying it. "we have way more than enough.. you've been going out even later than normal.. can't we just rest for a day?" he asked, reaching out to grab his friends hand.  y/n shrugged and gave klaus's hand a small squeeze. "i'll only be half an hour this time, i promise. i just wanna make sure we have enough in case something goes wrong. you know how cold it gets this time of year" he gave klaus a reassuring smile, and klaus sighed in response, pulling their hand back and giving a nod as he pulled his knees to his chest. "okay.. but you better not be out there all day, i miss you when you're gone so long.." they murmered, and y/n felt a pang of guilt in his chest. he hated seeing the person he cared about so much so sad, he just had to hope this surprise made up for it.

"i promise, i'll be back before you know it" he smiled, bending down to give klaus a small kiss on the forehead before he stood up again, slinging his guitar case over his shoulder and heading off, and if he'd been just a little bit slower, he wouldn't have missed the way klaus's whole face heated up from the small kiss. as he reached the bakery and walked in, he took a look at the cakes at the front. compared to what food they normally lived off, they seemed outrageously expensive, but y/n wanted today to be special, which is why he'd been working so hard to make so much extra money. after a few moments of browsing, y/n pulled out his wallet and pointed out which one he'd chosen, handing over the money to the cashier. it wasn't often that he and klaus had this much money, so it still felt odd to be paying so much for something, but seeing how happy it would make klaus would make it all worth it.

after he'd thanked the person at the counter, he took the cake in the paper bag they'd put it in to, and he headed off to the corner store to pick up some snacks for them to share, and candles for the cake, of course. by the time he'd finally returned, klaus was still in the same spot as before, he hadn't moved an inch, and y/n knew he was trying not to let it show how much today was getting to him. "what's in the bag?" he asked, and y/n shrugged again, putting it down with his guitar. "dinner" he hummed, wrapping his arms around klaus and pulling them close. "as much as i love sitting here with you, i need you to go do something" he started, and klaus groaned quietly, but nodded none the less. "what is it" they mumbled, looking up at y/n and moving a hand up to push some of his y/h/c hair put pf his face.

"i need you to go get me some cigarettes from that store down the street. they're only place round here that has the ones i like, and i got trespassed when i stole that time we hadn't gotten anything in days" he reached into his pocket to pull out a ten dollar bill, handing it to klaus. klaus gave another nod, taking the money and standing up. "fine, but you owe me" he gave a small smile, the first from them that y/n had seen that day, before he left, and y/n quickly began the work of setting everything up.

birthdays had never been something that were widely celebrated in the hargreeves household. when seven kids all shared the same birthday, it was too much effort for their parents to go to all that trouble, though grace had always made sure they each got their favourite things to eat for dinner, it was more than their father ever did for them. after dark, they would all get together to give each other something small, usually something odd and insignificant, but for all of them, it was the best part of it all. it was the only time they really got to feel like kids, and now that klaus was out here on the streets, they missed it. as they made their way to the store to get y/n the cigarettes he asked for, he thought back on those days, and he couldn't help but get emotional. they missed their family, but they couldn't go back. they knew that. not when he was like this, they'd all just agree to send him off to rehab, and klaus didn't even want to think about going through that, even if they really did need it. as he made his way back, cigarettes in hand, klaus sighed. it wasn't fair. they never wanted to be this way, but they were stuck now, and there was nothing he could do to get out.

while klaus had been out getting the cigarettes y/n asked for, y/n was frantically trying to set everything out before klaus got back, and when he heard approaching footsteps, his excitement began to skyrocket. he couldn't wait to see how klaus would react. "you know i think the owner's starting to get suspicious of me too.." klaus trailed off as he pushed past the door of their makeshift shelter, his eyes widening as he saw the cake lit with candles. "happy birthday" y/n smiled wide. "i know it's not much but, this is why i've been working so much more. i wanted to make today special for you-" he was cut off by klaus throwing their arms around him, hugging him with more force than y/m had ever felt. "it's perfect.. thank you" he whispered, pulling back to look at y/n, tears of happiness welling in his eyes. "there's one more thing, i saw it the other day, and i just knew you would love it" y/n reached under the pile of blankets that lay near their rollout mattresses and pulled out a wrapped present, handing it to klaus. the tears that had been building up finally began to roll down his cheeks as he took the package, holding it tightly. it was like being home again, everything they'd been missing so much, it was all right here.

y/n couldn't take the waiting anymore, he'd always been an impatient person, so he quickly began to urge klaus to just hurry up and open it. "c'mon, open it" he grinned, and klaus gave a laugh as they finally began to open the present. it was a jacket, a patchwork of browns, greys and blacks with a fur trim. "i love it" he looked down at the present for a moment before he lent in to hug y/n again, and y/n hugged back, gently pressing a kiss to the side of his head. "i saw how sad you were last year, and i didn't ever wanna see you that sad again" he spoke quietly, and klaus just nodded, the happy tears turning into a full on sobbing. even though they had so little, y/n still went out of his way to do all of this for him, and klaus knew they would never know what they did to be lucky enough to have him. "i love you so much" they whispered, pulling back to look up at y/n as he spoke back a soft "i love you too", reaching a hand up to stroke his cheek gently before they lent in and pressed their lips against his. y/n kissed back, and when the kiss finally broke he smiled against klaus's lips before he spoke quietly. "if you don't blow those candles out soon this whole place is gonna burn down"

klaus laughed, their laugh really was the most beautiful sound y/n had ever heard, and he watched as klaus leant down to blow out the big "21" candles. they didn't have much out here, it was dangerous and they both knew it always would be, but as they laid down on their mats (that they'd pushed together this time, so they could hold each other) later that night, they both knew as long as they always had each other, it would all be okay.

[mimisempai]

You are enough just as you are

Sam senses that something is wrong with Bucky since they left Madripoor, but he doesn't know how to reach him. Zemo plays matchmaker (of sorts), to help him open his eyes...

"Are you sure you're okay, Bucky?"

"Yeah..."

Ever since Bucky had come back from his meeting with Ayo, Sam had felt he was different. In fact, now that they were settling down for a bit in Zemo's mansion in Riga, Sam had had time to think about everything that had just happened and actually Bucky had been strange since the plane ride to Madripoor.

Sam couldn't put his finger on it, but he had the impression that Bucky was distancing himself.

"I'm going to bed. I'm dead." Bucky got up from the couch and headed for his assigned room.

"'Night." he added and closed the door behind him.

Sam, convinced now that something was wrong, got up and made his way to Bucky's room, determined to get to the bottom of it.

"If I were you, I'd give him some time."

"What are you meddling with, Zemo?" Sam turned back to the baron who was lying on the sofa.

"Samuel, do you realise the impact our little stint on Madripoor has had on James?"

"Of course, I know it couldn't have been easy." Sam came and sat on the arm of the sofa.

"Really?" asked Zemo, raising an eyebrow at him in his characteristically mocking manner.

"I realise how hard it must have been to consciously put on the costume of who he once was, to act like the one he's desperately trying to forget." Sam had been aware of this, though he had beenl surprised by the fact that Bucky could act so easily.

"Fine, but there's one little detail missing Sam."

"Oh yeah? And what's that?" Sam was growing increasingly annoyed with the man who acted as if he knew something Sam wasn't aware of. He waited for his answer.

"It's that he had to do it in your presence."

"I don't see what difference it makes, I knew him when he was the Winter Soldier."

It was true. He'd seen Bucky fight, he'd even fought against him, he'd seen him act like the robot killer he was back then. The killer with no conscience.

"So blind... you two are so hopeless. But thank you for the entertainment..." Zemo chuckled making Sam's annoyance rise a notch.

"Geez, are you going to end up talking in more than just riddles!"

"Think about it, what's different between the time you knew him and now, other than the fact that he was being controlled? And what did you feel? Weren't you worried to see him slip so easily into the skin of the Winter Soldier?"

After  a few minutes, Zemo could see on Sam's face the realization of what his words implied.

"You understand now?"

"Yes." Sam stood up, "All the more reason for me to go."

Zemo rolled his eyes, said with a sigh, "So much for subtlety." then got up and headed for his own room.

"Good night Sam, give my regards to James."

Sam walked toward Bucky's room. He didn't bother to knock, he gently opened the door to Bucky's room and slipped inside closing the door behind him. The room was lightly illuminated by a bedside lamp in the corner of the room.

He wasn't surprised to see Bucky sleeping on the floor, they had already talked about it, their years in the war had left all sorts of traces. Bucky had spent more than half of his life in war, it was normal that the old habits were hard to die.

He went to sit on the floor next to Bucky who had his back to him.

"Bucky, I know you're not sleeping. We need to talk."

"Hm...no, not in the mood."

"And yet I think you know it's necessary."

Bucky let out a long sigh before rolling over onto his back, sliding the blanket off and revealing his perfect bare torso to Sam, who struggled not to gasp at the sight. But this was not the time. His eyes slid to Bucky's face, and he didn't like what he read. He'd seen a lot of emotions on Bucky's face before,, but never such deep sadness.

"Hey Bucky, I know something's wrong. Talk to me..."

He saw the expression of stubborn defiance come over Bucky's face, that expression he knew well, the one Bucky took when he didn't want people penetrating his shell. The one he wore the day of their couple therapy session.

Bucky said to him in a challenging tone, "You think you're my shrink Sam?"

"No, but I think I am your friend."

"Precisely..." sighed Bucky, the sad expression returning to his face.

Sam placed a tentative hand on Bucky's shoulder. He felt him tense under his hand before relaxing again.

"Precisely what?"

"It's even worse because you're my friend Sam. Do you understand?" Bucky ran a hand over his face before throwing his head back and closing his eyes.

"Yes, I think I understand, but I want you to explain it to me. No pretenses or wordplay. Tell me!"

Bucky sighed again.

"Who am I Sam? Who am I? When you look at me Sam, do you see me, or do you see the Winter Soldier? Do you-"

"Hey Bucky for as long as we've known each-"

"Let me continue… What if Zemo was right?"

"In what way?"

'James, you will have to become someone you claim is gone.'

'Didn't take much for him to fall back into form.'

Sam remembered Zemo's words.

Bucky continued, "What if it was just me who thought the Winter Soldier was gone? It was so easy to impersonate him again, and so horrible at the same time! I don't want to be that man anymore Sam! But if that was all there was in me. And then I think, if I don't have it in me anymore, am I still useful to you? And if I'm no longer useful to you, will you still want me around? And-

"Wow, wow, wow,  stop that right now! Your cyborg brain is smoking again. You're overthinking it Bucky. Let's go sit on the couch." He stood up, reached out to Bucky to help him up, sat him down on the couch, and sat next to him, so close their thighs were touching.

"Let's think rationally first okay?"

"Hm." Bucky nodded, keeping his head down.

"Bucky, look me in the eye and tell me, do you think the Dora Milaje would have let you go if they didn't think you were completely free?"

Bucky looked up, swallowed and thought back to the day Ayo looked him in the eye and said, "You are free white wolf."

He replied in a low voice, "No."

Sam patted him lightly on the back and exclaimed, "Ha see? And on top of that, I saw you as the Winter Soldier, you don't have anything of him in you I swear. I know it." He let his hand rest on the back of Bucky's neck feeling the man's tension.

"Secondly, what's this about you being useful to me or something? You've never been an instrument to me. Just like the winter soldier, that's all in the past. Bucky, you are you, free to decide, if you don't want to follow me then don't, but don't think you are here because you are useful to me. That's so far from the truth, from what I really feel-"

Bucky interrupted him, "That's just it! I don't know how you feel, you say we're friends, but what connects us if not the fact that we have or rather had a friend in common? Who am I to you?"

"I keep telling you you're my friend Bucky, but..."

He felt the tension rise under his hand and saw Bucky's features harden.

"Let me finish Bucky..., you're my friend but I want more for us." There, he had said it. The naked truth laid there in front of them. It wasn't the moment he would have chosen, but he had known that for a long time, not everything was going as planned.

Bucky turned his head towards him, "You mean you, that I- that..."

"I mean exactly that." Sam slid the hand that was on Bucky's nape around his neck and brought his face close to his, before kissing him, putting everything he was feeling into it.  Seeing that Bucky wasn't pushing him away, he deepened the kiss while tightening his embrace around him. Bucky was not to be outdone, he placed his hands on Sam's head responding to the kiss with equal ardor. Someone moaned, and Sam didn't know if it was him or Bucky. They separated to catch their breath, letting their foreheads against each other.

Bucky whispered against Sam's mouth, "Are you sure that... hmph."

Sam put his heart into proving to him how sure he was. Then he moved sightly back and whispered, "I'm sure of myself and my feelings, but what you feel, I don't know...you still haven't told me what you want Bucky."

Bucky kissed him gently before saying, "You, Sam Wilson, you're the one I want, you're the one I've always wanted." before kissing him again.

When they caught their breath once more, Sam had a slight mocking smile and pushing back a short strand of Bucky's forehead he said softly, "My white wolf, what am I going to do with you and your cyborg brain?"

"Whatever you want, Sam, whatever you want." replied Bucky before settling down, his head in Sam's lap and raising his feet on the couch. Sam leaned back, and let his hand slide over Bucky's hip, who gripped it with his own, while Sam's other hand stroked Bucky's tousled hair.

They let themselves be lulled by the moment of serenity that was offered to them, a moment of respite in the middle of the chaotic time.

There would be time tomorrow for battles, conflicts, disagreements and they would face them, together as always, but aware now of the strength of the bond that they shared.

_________

https://archiveofourown.org/works/31097006

Thanks for making it this far, I hope you enjoyed your read. Feel free to say what you liked (or not 😬) in this story.

Not beta'd

[meg-noel-art]

Why do you believe that Catra never got over her what you called "obsessive and selfish love" for Adora? Because I didn't see that.

-gestures vaguely to all of the show-

Okay, you know what, let’s get into this. Because I’m honestly tired of it all. First let’s start with this: In popular media, is there a common theme of erotic subtext between rivals? Uh, yeah. Hell yeah. Tension between two people looking to one up each other that can be read as romantic or sexual? Oh absolutely. So, let’s, for the sake of argument assume that was the type of dynamic that Noelle and Co. were going for all along, as they’ve stated. Because they weren’t the first to play with this dynamic and they won’t the last.

So again, tension and subtext between rivals that escalates into passion or eventually real love? Yes.

On the other hand: betrayal, emotional manipulation, physical maiming and injury and outright seeking the utter demise and failure of you ‘rival’ because they made you sad by making a better choice than you did? That doesn’t equate to love.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s approach Catra’s motivations as all based around this deep love she has for Adora, which I will argue through this post is more of as passionate and selfish obsession than actual love. (And honestly, that’s a super cool character motivation, but pretending that it’s an epic love story is gross and I hate it.)

So, let’s return to Season 1

One of the first real battles we see Catra and Adora in takes place at the end of the season. This comes after ‘The Promise’ wherein Adora tries again to get Catra to come with her, but Catra doubles down on her desire to spite Adora for hurting her and leaving her, by being as nasty as she possibly can and putting Adora in just as much emotional pain. Here, she not only fights Adora, but cuts her down to her deepest insecurities. Catra knows Adora and she knows how desperately she wants to be a hero. It’s an aspect of Adora that Catra has always disliked because it made her feel lesser. In order to fully cripple her rival here, Catra tugs at the strings she knows will hurt the most.

“You will fail them (you failed me)”, “You’re friends will hate you (Just like I do)” “You will never be the hero you want to be (I will be the reason you can’t)”. If you want to talk about subtext in this scene, Catra’s unhealthy and obsessive desire to be the only thing Adora needs/wants/thinks about is literally all over the place. If you want to argue that she’s saying all of this because she’s hurting, then it’s literally the cruelest possible way she could say it. And the show doesn’t bother selling us on the fact that Catra is in pain here, it just hammers home the idea of how badly she wants Adora to fail so she can feel that pain too.

In no universe, would I call that treatment of someone love.

Next up, this moment in Season 2:

I remember everyone losing their minds over this scene, and again, arguing a sexual tension between rivals, then yes, that makes sense. But in the context of this entire episode and the ones leading up to this point? This statement from Catra is disgusting. And it gets worse.

In the next scene, we see Catra literally planning to use Adora as her own personal weapon (an aspect I find personally icky when considering the struggle Adora has with destiny/her own autonomy at the end of Season 4 being use by Light Hope as a weapon. Catra literally has the same idea.)

And moreso than that, Catra won’t just use her as a weapon. She will use Adora to cut down anyone else who has ever cared about her or shown her affection. It’s a new level of jealousy/possession that is touched on even moreso as the series goes on. But what’s crazy to me is that it seems to have developed from Season 1. In the Battle of Bright Moon, Adora could only fail them. Now, however much later this is, Catra wants her to hurt them too. Adora will hurt, her friends will hurt. Everyone will hurt like Catra does. Because she’s possessive of Adora’s affection. It makes her feel like she has meaning. Which is an entire other can of worms about Catra’s motivations and character, but we’re gonna move ahead to season 3.

This is a fascinating moment to me. At this point, Catra has essentially flunked out of the Horde, but she’s NEVER been more determined to prove herself to Hordak, to SW, to Adora, to everyone. But here, Scorpia points out how truly happy she is when Adora isn’t even in the damn picture anymore. The poisonous environment of the Horde is gone, Catra is claiming respect for her abilities and personality. Adora has nothing to do with it and she’s happy.

And then:

Look, I am remise to sound like a total asshole, but the entire show is pointing this out for me through even it’s dialogue. Catra’s pain and hate and obsession returns when Adora mentions that their shared abuser Shadow Weaver has chosen her yet again. Suddenly, nothing matters. None of Scorpia’s kind words, or the achievments she made in the Waste. All that matters, is beating Adora. Hurting her. Being better and more loved than her.

Honesty, at this point I’m losing the thread of ‘love’ entirely. Now it just feels like a total mission for vengeance.  But, once again, okay, let’s argue she’s really just angry and wants Adora’s love back. So what does she do to get it?

She opens the Portal to hurt Adora. As Adora screams don’t, begs her not to, tells her what it will do to their world, Catra does it anyway. Because Adora must hurt. She broke Catra’s heart and Catra must break it back. That’s how love works, I guess.

Once again, if the show was working on selling me on Catra’s motivations being sympathetic and fueled by love all along. It is failing.

Now, let’s talk about the Portal world that it takes them into. What everyone called their “perfect universe”.

So we have this moment, where Adora gets to the heart of the issue and asks Catra about her real pain. Catra avoids it, once again. Yes, of course she’s wanted this, they both always have. I suppose at this moment you could argue her true motivations come through, but it also just emboldens my point that Catra is not growing. She’s not gaining any character development. If she did just always want Adora by her side, this scene shows us that Adora has moved past these Horde induced childhood dreams they have. She has seen a bigger world and a bigger issue and Catra is still holding onto the hope that they will keep this promise to always have each others backs.

Which, is an ironic thing to hold onto considering Catra was the first to break this promise, by not going with Adora when the time was right. And yet she believes Adora is the one who owes her the apology. Now, this would be great set up for an arc about Catra coming to terms with the fact that she is the problem and Season 4 seemed ready to set that up but then... didn’t.

This line in particular has always stuck with me because it broke their relationship entirely for me. At this point, Catra could apologize all she wanted in a possible redemption arc, but the damage was done. She admitted a pain so deep that it would change her and Adora’s relationship forever. Her hurt ran so deep that she would rather die, see everything end, than see Adora find happiness outside of her.

I could stop this post here and honestly, my point would have been made. But we’ve got more to go.

I was so excited after the moment. After an entire season of snapping under the weight of her own choices. It is the image of Scorpia, who loved her unconditionally, who tells Catra that she is the problem and she always has been.

At this point, I was ready. Catra had hit rock bottom, there was nowhere to go but up. She would approach her pain and figure out who she wanted to be as a person. She would team up with the Rebellion because she knew it was the right thing to do, she would atone for her mistakes. By the end maybe she would go on her own adventure to find herself?

And.... No?

She doesn’t.

Season 5 rolls around and suddenly she is right back where she started, scrambling up the ladder for power and respect. It sure doesn’t work for Horde Prime, putting her in real danger. She even gets a few moments to connect with Glimmer (maybe apologize for the Portal...no... oh okay.) 

In fact, she saves Glimmer! But.... why does she do it? Certainly not for Glimmer’s sake, a character who has been stated by the crew to be literally her narrative foil, her other half. But...

Like...? At this point I don’t even know what the show is going for anymore, it’s a fucking mess. You could even argue that up to this point, Catra HAS been manipulating Glimmer to trust her so that she could in turn save Adora. Which is all kinds of fucked up, as we see in the conversation with the BFS squad that Glimmer WANTS to save Catra, and trusts her.

And then this memory that incited Catra’s desire to save Adora was:

I could have just answered with this screenshot and saved myself an hour. You wanna argue love? Fine. 

Then Catra has NEVER let go of her frankly concerning obsession with Adora’s attention and affection and that is no more clear that this memory where she also physically assaults her and steps on her, and Adora goes crawling after her trying to comfort her.

Oh? Are you, Catra? Well that’s cool. You are allowed to be sorry. But that doesn’t mean Adora owes you literally anything at this point. No one is ever obligated to accept any apology no matter how heartfelt it might be.

At the end of the day, this love story their trying to sell me on is so twisted I can hardly stand to watch the final season. Because it’s never worked out!! Adora immediatedly forgives every moment I’ve listed in this post and more. Catra never apologizes to someone who deserved it most, Scorpia. 

And more than that, Catra never grows into who she should have become as a character. She is stuffed into an OTP the show wanted from the beginning but failed for 5 seasons to make convincing or compelling.

Also Adora has such a huge heart she deserves someone who would treat her better than Catra could. Catra can’t. Catra can’t even treat herself right.

Like... Yeah. I don’t even know what to say anymore. Hope this answered your question. 

Obsessive, possessive....Gross. I’m tired. C/A won at the end of the day I guess, but at what cost?

[screaming-silence-proxy]

I had spent many days just sitting in the silence of my comfortable room, head filled with the pained thoughts of my old life. I couldn't understand just why I was chosen, or why Boss didn't just kill me. Even better yet, why was The Mother so possessive over me, to the point of telling Boss to back off? Surely I couldn't be that important.

The thoughts kept eating their way through my mind, leaving me completely enveloped in the deafening quiet. Why did I continue to survive even when I knew damn well I didn't have the strength to keep going.

Instinct, I guess.

My mother no longer wanted me and I cut all contact with my father because he had a new family, with two beautiful babies, he didn't need a screw up like me to taint his image. His perfect family.

I felt so alone.

Soon, instead of sadness, I felt a heat well up in my stomach. How dare these people do what they did to me? My father completely leaving me behind to suffer, my mother lying about her love for me, only to leave me with nothing and nobody.

Soon I boiled over.

I started to scream again, this time instead of anguish, it was unbridled rage. A rage I was not prepared to feel, a rage that could be felt miles away. I couldn't handle being held down anymore and started pacing, anxious and angry. I, in this moment, completely in control of the screaming in my brain.

I had enough.

I finally gave in to the anger and came to a conclusion. If my mother no longer wanted me, that was perfectly fine. I would become the version of myself she would hate the most, I would work out and eat how I felt like. Who cares if I get a little curvy? A whore? Fine. I would sleep with whomever I wanted and not feel guilty about it. Useless? I would take my own hands and make things, write things, do things that I wanted. No more doing things for other people.

I wanted to document this world and the people, the creatures, the anomalies in it. I would keep detailed writings of everything. Just like Boss said when they had locked me up during my last mental breakdown, just like Mom said when she held me in her arms. My past egg donor was gone, but I could envelope myself in the love of a million blue roses.

My mental shift would now be focused on loving myself, not waiting on those around me to love me. Well, not waiting for emotional connection anyway.

With a new found independence, I stood up and decided to first visit a woman who had reached her had out to me to keep me from going into the water.

After all, I needed someone to help me change the way I looked, desperately needed a haircut and some new clothes, and a shower. Especially a shower.