#like i specifically spent the majority of my therapy session this week deciding NOT to inform him of this

[likeawolfatthemoon]

just told my not-boyfriend whatever person that ive been referring to him as my partner at work bc i was not about to explain our weird fwb situation to professional office company, especially when it includes 50 something year old men

and he.......was okay with it..........

not sure what to make of this

[lazarettta]

The Babysitter

Characters ( Ally Mayfair-Richards x Reader )

Rating (T) Word Count ( 2.9k) Warnings ( None, bad flirting, writing while intoxicated)

“For dinner! I'd love to come home with you for dinner.”

“Well what else would you be coming for?”

“Dessert.”

It was another late night studying on the living room floor of the Mayfair-Richards household. It wasn't uncommon for you to spend a majority of your nights here during the week and sometimes the weekend if you were needed and you usually weren't. Not that you would've minded anyway, your weekends weren't busy—mostly spent either dead asleep or trying to get out of plans you didn't want to be a part of anyway to get more sleep.

But it wasn't everyday that you were able to work for a Senator either, so even if you were busy, you weren't going to tell Ally Mayfair-Richards that. Not that she was a mean boss or anything, she was the Senator for crying out loud. And...okay yes, maybe you idolized the woman a little though it may be because you're studying law but honestly who wouldn't idolize this woman? She went through so much shit getting to this point in her life and career.

And she was hot. She was really hot but you kept it in your pants, but your eyeballs? Different story. You were just grateful that she chose you to watch her son when she was away, especially after you knocked over your entire cup of tea in her living room on the very carpet you were sitting on, and you were just a hot mess.

You thought you blew the whole thing, but the moment she produced the NDA to you a few days later when she called you back for a 'second interview' which included Ozzy this time, you'd been ecstatic and nearly knocked over another fucking cup but Ally was faster than you that time.

The giant TV was playing in front of you across the room but it was just the news channel but the volume was pretty low because Oz was asleep upstairs and you weren't really watching it anyway, you had your airpods in listening to Beyoncé and trying to create a decent scenario for one of the ten theories your professor assigned. It was due the next day so you thought picking the easiest one would work in your favor but it was turning out to be your worst nightmare—and you'd regretted choosing sleep over this, kind of.

You'd been so engrossed in your work, and music, you didn't hear the front door open and shut somewhere behind you or hear Ally quietly talking on the phone, her high heels click clacking on her polished wood floors as she came into the living room. Ally paused slightly at the sight of you and her coffee table, your books and yellow pads scattered everywhere, your head bopping slightly to whatever you were listening to as you scribbled away.

Ally smiled softly, and continued on her way upstairs to check on Ozzy knowing that she was going to find him safe, clean and fast asleep with a full belly. You'd been his nanny for four months now and you were such a blessing for Ally, she'd been reluctant to hire and trust another person with her baby boy but her career was too demanding and Ozzy was only ten. He could stay home alone for a few hours maybe, but not days or even a week or two.

After everything, Ally did have cameras around her home on the outside and she had one directly over the stairs because it overlooked the foyer and parts of the living room from an angle. She didn't want too many camera's inside of her home in case they were hacked but she wanted something at least.

Ozzy's room was dark except for his nightlight by the door and Ally quietly made her way inside, carefully sitting on the edge of the bed and pushing his curls from his face. She was ever thankful that he finally stopped having those horrible nightmares, it meant that she wasn't wasting her money on therapy sessions.

When Ally came back downstairs, you were predictably in the exact same spot you were in and Ally finally did away with her coat, placing it over the spine of the sofa and she stepped out of her heels before coming around and plopping herself down, careful not to knock over your stack of books.

The sudden movement startled you out of your skin and you quickly pulled out your airpods and looked at your boss, “Hey! Sorry, how long have you been home?”

Ally smiled down at you tiredly, practically sinking into the sofa and you could feel her exhaustion rolling off of her in waves, and you couldn't help but sympathize because damn, and you thought you were tired.

“I just got in, I'm sorry I didn't call earlier, things got busier than I expected and then everything went into chaos.”

You smirked when she threw her hands up half heartedly with a roll of her eyes, “Would a glass of wine help?”

“No, but it would definitely be a start if you join me for a glass?” she raised an eyebrow, and as much as you wanted to say yes you've already procrastinated enough and you really didn't need alcohol in your system around her lest you say something you absolutely shouldn't.

“I would but I have to finish this and it's getting late. Do you mind waiting up until my Uber gets here?”

“It's really late, you should just stay the night, (Y/n).” Ally sat up then, waving away your comment, though now she was closer and hovering over you a bit, “I'll take you home tomorrow after breakfast, that sound fair?”

It wouldn't be the first overnight stay but it would definitely be the first time that she'd be home too and you just couldn't say no to that even though you probably should have insisted more that you go home, but you accepted her offer without further debate. You'd gone back to your assignment, minus the airpods this time, and Ally got up to go to the kitchen and you could hear her fixing herself a glass of wine.

Ally set a bottle of water next to you on a coaster before settling back in her spot and finding something to watch on TV, and of course you noticed that she was a hell of a lot closer than she was before.

Your pen had paused on the yellow paper and your eyes glanced over the same sentence three times before your mind processed that you could practically feel the heat from her legs next to your arm through her slacks, and if you leaned just an inch you'd be touching her. You fought the urge to look back over your shoulder, but instead you looked up from beneath your lashes and saw that she was browsing the movie channels at a snail's pace.

Behind you, Ally was sipping her wine in one hand and flipping channels with the remote in the other but her eyes were nowhere on the TV screen. But she noticed the moment your pen stopped moving and your shoulders tensed more than usual, she'd been watching you closely and curiously.

“You okay, honey?”

You turned around to answer her with what you hoped was a calm smile and wished that you hadn't, really. Ally was going to kill you sitting the way she was sitting, her energy screaming big dick and the top three buttons of her shirt were undone and her hair was a little messy. Either she was going to give you a heart attack or your libido would.

“Sweetheart?”

You blinked, coming back to reality so fast you would’ve gotten whiplash, “Uh, yeah...maybe I guess I’m just tired too.” Yeah right.

You chuckled nervously, embarrassed really, and licked your lips again and Ally tracked the movement with rapt attention not that you would've caught it because you were busy being mortified being caught staring like a creep.

“Are you sure? You look flushed, drink some water,” you smiled at Ally, ever the mom.

“I’m not—” not what? Thirsty? Yeah you were but not for some water.

“You’re not what?” Ally pressed, still holding you hostage with her eyes alone.

“Not thirsty for water.”

Ally raised an eyebrow, the corner of her lips twitching and you hate that you noticed, “Oh? Then what would you like to drink if it’s not wine or water?”

Good question. One you didn’t have a good answer to. Not trusting yourself to formulate words into an appropriate sentence, you just nodded and turned back around and grabbed the water she brought you. You were determined to ignore until you were finished with your work—for the sake of your sanity and dignity.

Fuck.

Still watching you, Ally laughed quietly into her wine glass and finally settled on a movie, keeping the volume low as she got comfortable. Deciding to let you off the hook for not answering her question. (This time.)

~~

A few days later...

It was another late night for you but you weren't working for Ally tonight, so you went to the gym instead after studying. You were still wearing your tights and sports bra when you left, only throwing on a jacket because the night air and sweat weren't a great mix.

You didn't have anything at home to eat that wasn't expired or so frozen it came from the ice age...it all went in the trash so all you had left in your fridge was a case of water and cheese sticks. It wasn't surprising though, you spent a majority of your free time at Ally's home and you just ate lunch and dinner there usually. So you went straight to the grocery store after your workout with your trainer.

“Hey (Y/n)!” you looked up and internally groaned, rolled your eyes and threw a whole bitch fit.

You offered Sean a tight near sarcastic smile, “Sean. What is up.”

“Nothin',” he said, leaning against the counter he was standing behind with a cheesy smile, his eyes leering—and it made your skin crawl, “Just working...you?”

“Uh,” you were already over this conversation, “Same, anyway—”

“You still work for that crazy killer lesbian?”

You stopped, pivoting back around slowly to see if he was joking or not, of course it was hard to tell because he was looking at your ass, but the minute he turned around his eyes laser beamed to your chest. Specifically your pebbled nipples and the bars pierced in them. You moved the labels of your jacket to cover them fucking pig.

“Uh, my eyes are up here and two, that 'crazy killer lesbian' is your Senator.”

He shrugged, “I didn't vote for her.”

“I'm...okay, it was nice talking to you but I have things to do.”

“Well, wait,” he moved in front of you, stopping your escape, “That's not what I wanted to talk to you about actually, uh, but listen...do you maybe wanna go to dinner with me this weekend? My treat?”

You raised an eyebrow at him, completely unimpressed with his audacity, “You literally just called my boss a crazy killer lesbian and now you're expecting me to go to dinner with you?” as if, you wanted to add but held yourself in check—barely.

“I'm sorry about that,” Sean only shrugged but he was bashful about it but it only served to irritate you further because it was obvious that he didn't quite mean it and you were mentally slapping yourself for just not ordering that damn pizza.

“Whatever, goodnight Sean.”

you tried to move around him but he shifted, keeping you in place and you knew you could've just turned around, you should've but he would've just followed you, “Well wait, you never answered my question. About dinner?”

“No.”

“Well, wait a minute...why not? The lesbian thing? It was just a joke. You can take one, can’t you?”

“And I'm not laughing, get the fuck outta my way Sean—”

“You—”

“I believe she told you to fuck off.”

Sean's eyes snapped up over your head slightly, and you would've laughed at his stupid face had you not been pivoting around yourself, your eyes meeting a very familiar chin and you looked up, but Ally's eyes weren't on you but instead glaring daggers into Sean. He'd be ten feet under if she got her way with that look. You wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of it. (Maybe another version of it...)

“S-senator?”

“Oh, I'm not the crazy killer lesbian anymore? How disappointing.” when Sean could only stare at her like a fish out of the water, Ally stepped forward—a lot closer to you and you didn't have the strength to move or even look away, “I believe you were told to leave. Oh and if I even hear that you looked at or said anything to (Y/n) incorrectly, you're going to have a lot worse than a harassment complaint from a Senator to deal with.”

You didn't see him leave but you heard the squeaks of his sneaker and in seconds flat you and Ally were alone in the cereal aisle and you had absolutely no idea how to even breathe at the moment, much less process that she just saved you from...whatever that even was.

When Ally was satisfied that Sean was gone, she finally looked down at you—there was still a fire in them that you couldn't place but her brown eyes were softer than they were a few seconds ago, and you felt your shoulders relaxing slightly.

“Are you alright, (Y/n)?”

You cleared your throat, taking a small step back—but you still felt exposed under her unblinking stare though not in the same way you felt with Sean, it was the complete opposite, “Yeah thanks to you, so um thanks...a lot. Your timing is impeccable, but what are you doing here so late? Where's Oz? Is he okay?”

Ally smiled at you, shaking her head disturbing her always perfect hairstyle, “Oz is fine, or at least he will be, he must've ate something today at school and it's not sitting well with his stomach,” Ally rolled her eyes but not at the fact that her son had food poisoning but that he had food poisoning from the school lunch. She could only imagine that other children—reforming school lunches was already on her agenda but now she was seriously considering moving ahead of schedule.

“Oh no, how bad?”

“Not too bad...he'll be okay, I'm just here for medicine to stock up on,” Ally reassured you, her eyes flickering over your shoulder for a second, “What are you doing out so late?” and wearing that? She mentally added, but held her tongue because she knew that it wasn't her place to comment on your attire—not that she was complaining about it, but Ally just didn't like the way Sean was leering at you either. She was a hair away from showing him how she earned her title.

Suddenly aware of how much skin you were showing, and that your jacket fell open again but unlike with Sean you didn't feel the need to really cover yourself (even though you knew that you should've). You appreciated her eyes more than his...and probably anyone else's.

“Oh, I went to the gym and since I don't have any food at home...”

Ally chuckled, “Is this your way of asking for a raise?”

“No! No, no you pay me plenty...I'm just too busy to cook is all and then I'm just too tired to eat sometimes. College life.”

“I was teasing, welcome to adulthood. It doesn't stop,” you laughed along with her but you both knew there was truth behind those words.

“I shouldn't keep you, I know you have things to do.”

“You know, I doubt you're going to get a decent nutrient meal here tonight, especially shopping while you’re hungry...” Ally hummed, seemingly thinking hard about something before opening her mouth to carefully speak those words, “You're more than welcome to come home with me for a late dinner if you have nowhere else to be. I'd be more than happy to feed you.”

Heh. Feed me what? You blinked, mildly surprised with how fast your mind went straight to the gutter and you felt your face heating up faster than a house fire, and you had no doubt in your mind that your boss knew exactly what she was doing to you.

But she didn't, Ally didn't have one clue to what was happening in your mind because her own mind was a pile of scrambled eggs while forcing her eyes to stay above your neck. You were both very much still in public.

And the last thing Ally wanted to do was make either you a cliché, especially with her being a public figure in a male dominant career field, both in politics and her restaurant.

“Unless you had your sights set on cereal?” Ally coughed lightly, suddenly nervous and you realized that you'd been standing there staring at her like a moron this whole time.

“No, I'd love to come home with you,” you said cheerfully, meaning every damn word for different reasons, and you smiled at her, before your eyes widened when realizing how forward you sounded, and suggestive as hell, “For dinner! I'd love to come home with you for dinner.”

“Well what else would you be coming for?”

“Dessert.”

Direct result after two blunts...sorry if it's kinda lame tho lmao I went in thinking I was writing smut and gave up somewhere

[sp3ncer-jean]

&&guests may mistake me as (danielle campbell), but really i am (spencer jean + cis female + she/her) and my DOB is (03/15/1997). i am applying for the (event coordinator) position as part of the EHP and would like to live in suite (209). i should be hired because i am (empathetic, honest & selfless), but i can also be (pessimistic, fearful & indecisive) at times. personally, i like to (blog & drink wine) when off the clock, but that won’t interfere with work.

tw; rape, abusive relationship.

Born on the West-side of the city.

The youngest of 4 kids. 

Her whole family didn’t have much growing up. Both parents worked weird jobs to get them all through financially.

She was really close to her older cousin, Dan from a very young age. He would take her out often and they got very close. 

Most of the family didn’t think much of it until Spencer turned six, and even then it was just weird glances occasionally from family members. 

Spencer herself felt like Dan hung the moon in the sky. He was always kind to her and never made her feel stupid. Plus he was older and gave her so much of his time so it always made her feel special.

It was not longer after her eighth birthday that Dan pulled her to the side and said he wanted to play a new game. She was hesitant at first to give him what he explained as “special touches” but he insisted that it would make him very happy, and she always wanted him to be happy.

This “game” went on until she was eleven. She explained it to her father who was horrified after he realized what this game was. He confronted Dan, who was now eighteen, and he denied it. 

Not longer after, Spencer’s three brothers paid him a visit. He was found in an alley all alone the next morning, completely naked and unconscious. 

Spencer felt like a husk after she no longer had any contact with Dan. So much so that she began to lash out and she wasn’t the bright and happy child that she had been. 

Her mother and father started looking into programs for her but quickly realized that they couldn’t afford any of them. After much conversation and tears, they decided to pack her up and send her to her mother’s widowed sister, Maggie.

Maggie was always very eclectic and outspoken and she’d been lonely since her husband died before they could have any children together. She was so excited to have Spencer come stay with her that she gave her her own completely furnished room with a computer and TV. 

Spencer was very hesitant to leave her parents and brothers. She knew that their home wasn’t much, but it was home. Maggie lived on the rich side of town and she wasn’t completely sure if she’d be able to fit in over there. Her mother and father both explained to her that she could come visit whenever she wanted and her brothers would come by as often as they could. 

After reassurance from her parents, Spencer packed up the very few belongings she actually cared about and moved in with Maggie. 

The first few weeks were a whirlwind of shopping trips. Maggie worked from home for a high profile company and her husband had left her a rather large fortune. And Maggie already adored Spencer and spared no expense for her niece. New clothes, games, furniture for her room. Spencer wasn’t exactly comfortable with all the money she knew was being spent, but she already felt as if she could trust Maggie more than anyone else she’d ever met. 

Maggie got Spencer into therapy not long after she moved in. Her therapist explained as gently as she could to Spencer what had happened to her. No one up until that point had explained to Spencer that what Dan had done was wrong, because they didn’t really know how. Maggie had to take her home in tears after that specific therapy session. 

Spencer’s therapist suggested different activities to help her cope. She began painting, writing, playing various instruments as well as throwing herself headfirst into her academics all while adjusting to her new life with Maggie. 

Under Maggie’s guidance, Spencer breezed through middle school. She made a small group of friends and socialized fairly often in and out of school. By eighth grade, she was in all honors classes and even there she was requesting harder and more complex assignments. 

Spencer visited often with her family and grew extremely close to her brothers. Her father often still blamed himself for her relationship with Dan but her mother often scolded him for this as lovingly as she could. As they watched their daughter flourish with Maggie, they both knew that they had made the right choice for her, even if sometimes it didn’t feel that way. 

Her freshman year of high school, Maggie requested the school test her for her grade level versus just putting her into freshman classes. Maggie knew that Spencer had much more in her mind than she often led on, and insisted that she be tested. To Spencer’s shock, she tested out of both freshman and sophomore year. According to all of her test scores, she was at a junior year level. She was signed up for junior year classes and started her first year of high school. 

Spencer was terrified of the potential bullying this situation would be her into, but much to her surprise, she made many friends with her upperclassmen peers. They often came to her for advice and homework help. 

She graduated Valedictorian at the age of sixteen. She had colleges seeking her out before the end of her junior year but she didn’t want to leave Maggie. Over the five years she had spent with Maggie, they had grown very very close. Spencer adored Maggie and the little routine that they had just naturally fallen into. 

Spencer took courses to become an event planner/coordinator. It was something she’d always enjoyed helping with as a kid and teenager so she figured why not. Plus living in the Chicago area, she knew there would never be a shortage of people needing an event coordinator. She was able to get all of the certifications she needed in a little less than a year. At seventeen, she began going to the University of Chicago. She majored in Psychology and minored in Visual Arts. 

College for Spencer was amazing. She started dating not long after she started attending University because in high school she felt like it just wasn’t the right time after all of her trauma and hung out with the potheads on campus.

She met a guy named Tanner on her first day of classes. He was her ideal man, or at least what she thought it was. He held doors open for her, brought her flowers, and held her hand around his friends. But not long after they started getting physically involved, he started to feel like he had some entitlement to her. He started to convince her she didn’t need to spend time with her family and more importantly, Maggie. He started keeping her at his apartment as often as he could. And quickly, it turned physically abusive. He started to convince her she wasn’t worth any of the time anyone else but him was giving her. 

Spencer was finally able to sneak away and see Maggie for a weekend. She was telling Maggie what had been happening and she watched her get angrier than she had ever seen her, even after telling her everything that had happened with Dan when she was a kid. Maggie drove her back to Tanner’s apartment and helped her collect her things, as well as reporting him to the campus. 

Tanner did attempt to contact her after he was expelled from the University but Maggie was quick to help her get a restraining order just in case. 

Spencer graduated with her degree at the age of twenty-one and on the dean’s list. Her whole family showed up for her graduation and she was given a bouquet by each of her brothers.

Her parents offered for her to move back in with them, but she politely declined. She wanted to stay with Maggie and help her with whatever she could. 

Maggie would bring Spencer to the Malnati when she had bad weeks at school for a small get away, so when she found out they were hiring, she jumped on the opportunity as quickly as she could. 

[prorevenge]

"You're gonna regret that winky emoji"

Buckle down, because if this was a rollercoaster it'd be the Tower of Terror. It's also very long, TLDR at the bottom, if you can find it..

Now, just as a little disclaimer, the person involved may not read reddit but her son very well might. So, I've changed names, places and specific details, and I'm not going to describe the person's appearance. I will however, be telling you of a revenge that started off petty in nature, has since had a pro outcome - and is still ongoing.

I'm a University student (f,19) in *Canada*, studying *history*. Since September, I've been struggling with both my physical and mental health. The problem with a free healthcare system is that sometimes there is long waiting lists for mental health services and despite being put on medication, my condition was worsening. I'd gone to a member of staff, who we shall call PC, to explain the situation. Initially, she was helpful, giving me extensions on assignments and special considerations for my exams. I passed the first semester with a whopping 62%, impressive given the fact I hadn't really been into any lectures.

After the Christmas break, my mental health was so bad that I ended up in hospital. I also struggled to get back into lectures as planned and submit much work. I was seeing the student support team the university had supplied, and the mental health team the hospital had provided. I have a personality disorder and sometimes find it hard to control my emotions, and PC is well aware of this. However, she is going -above and beyond- her normal duties and it's starting to get a little distressing. She'd offer to come to my GP appointments with me, constantly email me (3-4 separate email chains a day), and then got my personal phone number off the university system and started texting me. Being naive, I thought that having her phone number would be useful, as I check my texts significantly faster than my emails.

What. A bad. Idea.

What was confirming attendance for meetings quickly turned into "hope to see you soon", and asking how things in my personal life were going. The event that knocked me for six was when she turned up at my GP surgery after I had told her my appointment went badly. Luckily I was on the other side of town by this point, but she sent me a string of four texts starting with "I'm at the GP, where are you?" and ending in "I'm not going to nag you" before ringing me 3 times despite me hanging up IMMEDIATELY the first time.

(Side note at this point, she very obviously cares about me, but she's incredibly overbearing).

I had gone in for a routine procedure at the hospital to try and sort my physical health out (a cystoscopy, if you fancy a cringe), so she sent me a text asking how it had gone. I'd been put on the same antibiotics as I was before, and when I tried to explain to the consultant that I was already on them and that the pain hadn't stopped in months, I started getting a little angry and upset. Not enough to cause a scene - but enough for them to firmly tell me to leave. I explained this to PC and she replied with "stop arguing ;)". Now, given the nature of the procedure, the position of responsibility PC has and the fact it's coming from her personal phone number, I found this extremely inappropriate.

This kind of behaviour went on for a couple months, I'm trying to keep her at arms length - I still need her in terms of getting assignments in and stuff, but I don't want her reaching in to my personal life - but she keeps trying. She's told me repeatedly that I will have a "fit to work" procedure put in place due to the lack of assignments put in, which would decide my future at the university - and that the options would be getting suspended or getting expelled. This added a load of anxiety to my life and ultimately destroyed my mental health, so after a *not so helpful* session with the mental health team, I submitted the worst essay I've ever written with a sarcastic note at the bottom (still got 18%, success!). In hindsight, this was probably the worst way of trying to get back at her, as PC called me in for another meeting, but not before ringing my boss and my mental health consultant asking to attend my therapy sessions, and then telling me I'm "making it more than it needs to be".

This meeting was hell.

She started off by stroking my knee - not sensually, but wayyyy too close to be comfortable - which put my back up immediately.

She tried to get me to cancel the submission, which I wouldn't, and then told me I'm going to get her fired or reprimanded if I don't. (hello, emotional blackmail).

I repeatedly tried to explain I was struggling, and it's a case of mentally having to fight myself to get out of bed in the mornings, let alone research and write essays, do complex maths and attend 12 lectures a week. She kept shouting me down with things like "Just because you have a mental health condition doesn't mean you're special" and "it took me 3 years of intensive therapy to sort my head out, so you should be fine by August".

Eventually I was frustrated, sobbing and bent over, head to my knees in the chair. This cut off the circulation to my legs after 40 MINUTES of feeling trapped in her office, so when I finally got the courage to leave, I physically couldn't. I made it halfway across the room before stumbling. I didn't fall, I had hold of the table. PC shot up from her chair like she'd just won the lottery and HELD ME FROM BEHIND. I got out as quickly as I could. She later sent me a text (at 22:50) telling me that "it was really valuable".

Finally, the revenge;

I was so angry I decided I was going to come down on this woman like a ton of bricks. I spent 8 hours collating the year's emails and texts, annotating them all and putting them in a folder alongside evidence I was actively seeking medical help - a condition of the university for students who are ill. I affectionately called the folder The Brick, because if all else fails I'm going to hit her with it. This folder weighs at least 5kg, just to give you an idea of the amount of trees I had to kill for this. I submitted a complaints form for 3 separate issues (emails and texts/blackmail/physical contact), as well as a designated form for harassment. This would normally go to PC, but since I was complaining about her, I took it to THE DEAN. Phase 1 complete.

Phase 2 was the picking apart of her emails and making a case for mistreatment. The fit to work panel I attended (after 5 months of being told that it would happen), were going to expel me completely, until I whipped out The Brick and showed them 8 cases of unprofessionalism in ONE EMAIL. My "sentence" was reduced to only suspension, meaning I still have access to my uni email address, and student union services. Useful for phase 3.

Phase 3 is taking my case to the University Legal Team and holding this over the Dean's head until a satisfactory outcome is achieved, or I'll take it to court. I'll keep you updated.

And so, dear redditors, after successfully enacting phases 1 and 2, I can confirm PC has gone on 6 MONTHS of "sick leave". Let me tell you exactly why she's not on sick leave and has in fact been suspended - she was supposed to be on my fit to work panel, 3 DAYS after going on this sick leave; the whole department has been told not to contact her and if they have an urgent matter, they must send it to a different person through an online reporting system which will be "more closely monitored". We were also told that she would not be replying to emails because she's "ill", which made me laugh because she'd been wanting me to write 5000 word essays despite the fact I am genuinely ill. Given the nature of PC's role at the university (handling sensitive information, dealing with vulnerable students), this will be a major blemish on her record at the least, and could well cost her her job and prevent her from getting a new one in the same field. I have since left the university for health reasons, no doubtedly made worse by the actions of PC.

​

TLDR; tutor at the university harasses me in more ways than one, causes a severe decline in my mental health. I complain with 8 months of evidence and get her suspended/nearly fired, potential legal case pending.

(source) story by (/u/archercolne)

[mca-attack21]

Riverdale: Deadly Definitions 6

Here we go again, I hope you guys are enjoying this series. Let me know if you want to be tagged. Feedback is always appreciated. @l4life  

Find the other parts here:    Part 1    Part 2    Part 3    Part 4   Part 5

The next morning Betty came over to apologize to Archie. The two of them walked to school together and were good again. Veronica had decided to call a truce with Cheryl and was also befriending Josie. Jughead had continued to piece clues together about what really happened the night of Jason’s murder.

That day during Lunch, you and Archie decided that you would work on music before school starting the next day. You were both excited and nervous. You 100% would do anything to help Archie no questions asked. But it was undeniably nerve racking for you to share something like this with anyone. 

After school, you went to Andrew’s construction and Mr. Andrews explained in better detail what he needed done. You spent the majority of the time just trying to organize everything. Occasionally you would answer the phone, it was all easy enough. Afterwards you had him drop you off at Pop’s where you ran into Jughead.

“Hey, whatcha up to?” you ask.

“Just trying to figure out what Jason was running from” 

“I mean if you were a child of the Blossoms, wouldn’t you want to run away too?” you joked.

“Yeah, but why now? What happened to make him choose now to get away?”

“Maybe he wasn’t running away as much as he was running to something” you ponder.

“Maybe. Oh well, I’m done for tonight.” he said as he closed his laptop, “How was your day?”

“Pretty good. How are you and Betty doing?” you wink.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, don’t think I haven’t noticed the  way you two look at each other. And how you too have started doing your own investigations.” 

“We are just friends.” he answered.

“For now” you replied.

“In that case, what’s going on between you and Archie?” he asked.

“Nothing, I’m just helping him with his music”

“Sure. But just remember what happened between him and his last music tutor” Jug laughed.

“That is so not funny” you chime in smacking his arm.

“I’m just saying.”

“I think he likes Veronica anyways” you reply bringing the conversation back down.

“I wouldn’t be so sure.”

When you snuck back into the school (which is where you have been staying since the Drive-In was shut down), it was around 3 am. You went straight for the music room. As earlier stated, this was both exciting and nerve-racking. You loved music, but you had never performed in front of any of your friends before. So, you sat at the Piano and warmed up with some showtunes. Eventually, you pulled out your songbook, it had been a while since you sat down and just wrote music. You were running through a song that you had written, when you were interrupted.

“Wow, how did I not know that you were this good?” Archie asked.

You were so confused. What was Archie doing here in the middle of the night? But then you looked down at your phone. It was 7:15. 

“I was just screwing around. Anyways, I’m going to grab us waters. I’ll be back in a minute.” you answer.

“Okay, I’ll get warmed up,” he smiled as he set his guitar down. 

You quickly made your way to the closet where you were staying. You fixed your hair, changed shirts, grabbed some gum, and the two waters before heading back to the music room. 

“Sorry that took so long, the vending machine didn’t want to take my money,” you said as you reentered the room, “so Archie, what exactly are you wanting to get out of these sessions?”

“I don’t exactly know. I’d like help taking my lyrics and turning them into actual songs. So I guess I just need feedback, and suggestions.” 

“That works for me, let’s hear what you’ve been working on lately.” you smiled.

So then Archie began to play. You just listened, he had an amazing voice and was already so good on guitar. As he finished his first song you were in awe. It was so refreshing to hear someone sing about something that mattered. 

“Well, what did you think?” he asked shyly as he set down the guitar.

“It was amazing Arch, it needs to be polished and there are a few lyrics that are off rhythm, but it is so good. You really have a talent for this”

“You really think so?” he asked

“Yes I do. Now do me a favor and sing it again but without the guitar” you say as you hope on the piano. You then proceeded to break down the entire song, and then you played/sang it back to Archie. This allowed him to hear first hand which parts sounded slightly awkward. You started writing down his lyrics and bouncing ideas off each other. Before you knew it, the ten minute warning bell for first period sounded. 

“Wow, I can’t believe it’s already time for class. This was amazing Y/n, thank you so much” he said as he stashed his guitar away. 

“It’s no problem Archie, I’m glad I can help”

And this was your life now. You spent your mornings with Archie working on his music. You went to school like a normal student. And then you walked to Andrews’ Construction. After organizing all of the paperwork you started working on a promotions campaign. You redesigned the business cards, created a free website and uploaded a portfolio of the various jobs they had completed. You answered the phones and helped Mr. Andrews create pitches that were customized to target the specific jobs. You also organized the work schedule and did anything else that Mr. Andrews needed help with. For him, you were nothing less than a godsend. You had already got them two bids and it had only been a week.  

You were at lunch with your friends when Cheryl approached you. “Here. My mother has decided that you are all invited to JayJay’s memorial. Even you losers.” she said towards you and Jughead. 

“I get that she is mourning her brother, but does she have to be such a bitch” Veronica said under her breath.

“Agreed” Betty chimed in.

“Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to have to buy something to wear to Thornhill.” you directed to the two of them, “you guys want to go shopping tomorrow?” 

“I can’t. My mother is still mad about the whole Archie thing” Betty answered.

“Veronica?”

“You know I’m always down for retail therapy.” she smiled.

So the next day you both went to the mall before you went to work. This was the first time that the two of you were hanging out alone.  

“I bet that you saw malls in New York that make this mall look like a dollar store,” you commented.

“That is very true” she laughed.

“So I’m guessing that it is safe to say that you miss it?” you ask as you look through the dresses.

“Parts of it. I miss being a family and I’m not gonna lie the luxury of it all was grand. But I don’t know the people here, while simple, are real. It wasn’t like that in New York” she reminisced.

“What do you think of this one?” you asked holding up a black t-shirt dress. 

“It’s okay, but why don’t you try this one on,” she replied, holding up a simple but beautiful black dress. You grabbed it and held it up in front of you. It was perfect. But then you ventured to the price tag.

“It’s great Veronica, but I can’t afford it.” you reply putting it back on the rack. 

“Nonsense, it’s my treat. I insist.” she said, “Now go try it on” 

As you had learned, you never argue with a Lodge. There is no point, you won’t win. “Are you sure?” you ask.

“Yes, it’s the least I can do after you have extended your friendship to me” she chimed, all but pushing you in the fitting room.

You tried on the dress and were in love. “What do you think?” you asked as you showed Veronica. 

“You look amazing. I have done it once again” she laughed.

Next, she forced you to find a pair of  heels. Her argument was that it would be a crime to wear such a nice dress with average shoes. On the way up to the cash register Veronica had grabbed some other small things. She placed all of it on the counter and pulled out a card.

“Seriously Veronica, you didn’t have to do that” you said as you got into the car.

“It’s fine Y/n, just consider it an early Birthday present.” 

“My birthday isn’t until next month” you laugh, “Seriously though, I owe you one. If there is ever anything you need let me know.”

“Okay, and now moving on. What is between you and Archie?” she asked.

“Nothing, we are just good friends who are working on music together.” you answer.

“Sure. The same way that Betty and Jughead are just friends.”

“I’m serious Veronica, and even if I did have feelings for him, I’m pretty sure he likes someone else.” you add.

“Really? Who?” she asked intrigued. 

“I’ll give you a hint. She is new in town.”

“No way. There is no way Archie Andrews has a thing for me.” she said in disbelief. 

“He hasn’t explicitly told me so, but still it’s kinda obvious.” you say as the car slows to a stop.

“Do you want me to drop off your bags somewhere?” she asked realizing that she still had no idea where you lived. 

“No, I’ll hold on to them. Thanks again Ronnie.”

That night you went to the school and showered. You tried on your dress again, this time with the shoes. You looked through the other bag, Veronica had also bought you a necklace and earrings along with simple make-up palettes and perfume. She was good, you hadn’t even seen her grab half of this stuff and you were right next to her.

The next day you accompanied Mr. Andrews and Archie to the Memorial Service. Archie had decided to give Mrs. Blossom Jason’s old jersey. She was almost in tears over it. Everyone sat down as it was ready to begin. Before Penelope could begin speaking, Cheryl burst in wearing the white outfit she had worn the last time she was Jason. She gave a speech about how she missed him and failed him and then was dragged off by her mother.

And from there things were only going to get worse.

[loulougoingsolo]

My thoughts on Rhett’s story

Rhett telling the story of his spiritual journey made me feel more than I thought was possible for me, and this post is my attempt to put my feelings to words. I don’t know if any of what I wrote under the break makes any sense, but if you’re interested, go ahead and click through. Just in case, TW: religion and TW: mental health, although I didn’t really go into anything specific.

And because my text is a bit of a mess, if it leaves you with thoughts or questions, I’m open for discussion. Right now I feel like there is a bouncy ball going randomly around in my brain, and I need to spend the rest of this day in trying to make it stop.

I spent most of my 60 minute therapy session yesterday talking about all the things Rhett’s story on Ear Biscuits made me feel and think. I’ve been in a bit of a loop all week, trying to figure out why I felt so much. I’ve never really been able to believe in a god or a higher power, yet hearing Rhett tell about how painful his process of losing faith was, made me feel his pain, and somehow my own, and it confused the heck out of me.

I planned to write a more comprehensive commentary post about this Ear Biscuit, but every time I’ve started, my emotions have taken over me, and I had to skip the original idea of including the links to the books Rhett mentions. Instead of being factual, logical and scientific about this, I’m just going to explain how I felt, why I felt it, and what I think about all this.

So, I’m not religious. Most times, everything outside of logic confuses me. I want to know facts, and base all my decisions on the real things, and that’s just the way I am. I have serious trust issues in my everyday life, but in a way, also when it comes to spirituality. I also have serious issues with maintaining control, and the thought of losing this control freaks me out – in small things and major, life-changing things. Losing control feels like someone suddenly pulls the rug from under my feet, and I fall from an airplane without a parachute. Or as if I was first sitting safely in a boat, but suddenly, I was dropped into the ocean in the middle of open water, with nothing to hold on to, and no solid ground beneath my feet. At this point, if you’ve listened to Rhett’s story, jumping from a boat to water is how he described the moment he realized he could no longer believe in the god he had believed in for his entire life.

Rhett’s religion was based on the bible, and on a complete trust in god and Jesus. His faith was what provided him security, happiness, way of living and a path to follow. He had everything figured out, and all he needed to do was follow this path. There is such security in knowing what you are supposed to do.

I wasn’t raised to believe in god. I believed, and still do, in science and knowledge. At around the same time as when Rhett decided to pursue a path as being a missionary, and saving the souls of non-believers, I was absolutely certain that I had a similar path all paved and ready. I was going to be a science-woman, I  was studying environmental biology in the university, and was driven by my desire to save the world. I had found my passion for environmental work as a teenager, and everything in my life was directing me to this path.

Rhett had to really push himself over the years to be able to ignore his doubts. He wanted to believe, because his faith was the basis for his entire being. When he finally couldn’t erase all of his doubts, he suddenly had nothing to believe in – and even though he says multiple times he wasn’t traumatized by anything in the church, he most certainly experienced massive trauma when he had to let go of it all. He didn’t choose to lose faith, yet he did, and losing everything you believe in is traumatic.

Not believing in higher powers, and having all the trust issues I have, I’ve ever only been able to believe in myself. Too bad, it turned out around when I was 23, that I wasn’t quite as trustworthy as I believed myself to be. I’ve been socially awkward, anxious and a perfectionist for as long as I can remember, and because of my anxieties, I didn’t ever really get close to other people. I survived through high school and childhood mostly by being pretty smart and just clueless enough to actually realize if someone tried to bully me. I knew I never really had very good friends like the other kids, but I was an introvert, and perfectly happy on my own – and it was my fortune that I grew up in a small community, and went to school with the same kids from kindergarten to end of high school. Life was stable and safe. Too bad, it didn’t really prepare me for the big world, and when life got too complicated for me to handle, I lost faith in myself and was left with nothing.

I tried to be what I expected myself to be, and what I assumed my parents, the society, my high school teachers and everyone around me expected me to be. At 23, I couldn’t return to my university classes after the summer break, and I was in the deepest personal crisis I have ever been. I felt like a failure, and I felt I could never again face anyone I knew, because I had let them and myself down. I sought help, went to therapy, and at one point, realized that the path I assumed I would follow wasn’t for me. I had to tell my family I wouldn’t be going back to university. I had to accept that I couldn’t control all of my feelings with logic, and thus lost the foundation to my existence.

It took me quite a few years of therapy and rebuilding myself to get to where I’m at today. First, I found my joy of making art – something that the science life had almost successfully deleted from my life. I went to study jewellery making, and slowly started to believe in myself again – only to experience quite a few relapses along the way. Despite finding a new path in my life in doing art and making jewellery, I still had to come to grips with the fact that I was on the asexual spectrum, and bisexual, and I’m currently, with the help of my therapist and psychiatrist, figuring out if some of my lifelong problems might be based on being neurodiverse (I’ve been going to tests for this for a while now). All of this has forced me to accept that I can’t control my life quite as much as I’d like, and I’m still trying to find a balance between the logical and the emotional parts of what makes me, me. I feel so much more whole now than back 20 years ago, even though there are so many things I can’t know for sure.

Rhett had to rebuild his belief system, and re-evaluate what his core values in life were. He has gone through the painful process of telling his loved ones that he no longer believes the things they still believe, and he basically had to rebuild his marriage from a different perspective – and by the sounds of it, he and Jessie are now in a good place in their relationship.

What struck me most about listening to Rhett’s story is that despite him starting out as a devoted Christian, and me starting out as more than anything, a religiously scientific, somehow, in 40+ years, we’ve somehow come to many of the same conclusions, and despite the obvious differences, we have a lot in common. We both lost the foundation to our lives and had to rebuild ourselves on firmer ground.

I wouldn’t describe myself a hopeful agnostic, but I have to admit there are so many things in this universe I can’t fully comprehend, and even though I can’t believe in a higher power, I feel connected to everything in this world through nature. Thinking about the universe, I’ve understood that the human existence is such a tiny fraction of everything that sometimes it feels absurd how much time and effort our species has spent trying to explain it all. In the end, all religions are attempts to explain the things we don’t know for a fact, and what we believe is only the result of the culture we’ve grown up in. In the grand scheme of things, we are friggin’ small.

I need to end this (probably very incoherent) post before I get sucked into the loop again – but I also have to get this posted so I can get it out of my system. I think Rhett’s current philosophy of living his life the best way he can, and focusing on this one life he can be certain of instead of worrying too much about what happens after he’s dead, is a pretty good idea. In my own life, I’ll continue on my path of learning to accept myself with flaws and all, and instead of trying to fit into a specific box of any kind, I’ll focus on shaping my own kind of container. I still struggle with accepting that not everything can be controlled, but sometimes losing control can create something pretty amazing. I kind of lost the control of my emotions while listening to Rhett’s story, but after almost a week of processing everything his words brought to surface in me, I am grateful for him sharing his story. I’ve never felt more proud for being a Mythical Beast – being a part of this community has enrichened my life more than words can express.

[hoonbunn]

Side Effects

In which Terra just came back from his surgery and is very high on painkillers. He sees Aqua and asks if he could go out with her. She says she’s married (but didn’t mention she’s married to him) So he looks at her for a moment as it slowly sinks in and he starts a high pitched noise before he cries in despair. (prompt by @chachacharlieco)

Forgive me. I may have had a little fun writing this. I do happen to work at a hospital (non-clinical) and I’m pretty familiar with the surgery process at my specific location. I also wrote this while at work too so LOL. I do plan to make a small comic based off of this too!

Read on Ao3

‘What’s your relationship to the patient?’

‘…’

‘Ma’am?’

‘H-huh? Oh! I’m his wife.’

The woman at the desk smiled. ‘And your name?’

‘Aqua.’

The woman reached over to a stack of what looked like pagers on her desk and handed one to the blue haired woman. ‘Alright, Aqua, if you want to, you can go ahead and have a seat. That pager I just handed you only works here in the hospital. The tracking number you were given earlier-‘ the woman gestured to a large television mounted on the wall. ‘-the numbers cycle automatically and will let you know where your patient is within their procedure.’ The woman turned in her seat to point to a corner in which Aqua’s gaze followed. ‘In that corner we have complimentary coffee and hot water for tea. Feel free to help yourself.’ Aqua nodded in understanding. The look on Aqua’s face must have looked concerned because the woman smiled again. “Don’t worry sweetheart, He’s in good hands.

She stood at the desk for a moment before decided what she should do. Aqua could go for a wander around the hospital, maybe stop at the cafe, but she didn’t want to miss the doctor if he were to come out and tell her how the surgery had gone.

Opting for the later option, Aqua found a set of chairs on the far wall she could sit in and wait. She had brought a book with for the wait considering the surgery could take close to 3 hours; easily an hour and a half alone for the recovery room.

This was the first time Terra was getting a pretty major surgery. Sure he’s had to have stitches for stupid things here at there, but this was the first time he would actually have to be put under anesthesia. When his doctor told him the 6 weeks of physical therapy hadn’t helped his torn rotator cuff, the earthy man nearly looked like a ghost leaving the office after hearing he would need surgery and more physical therapy.

Aqua recalled the moment Terra came home from work complaining about how bad his shoulder hurt. Since Terra worked in construction, he was always doing stupid things at his job. In the past, he’s pulled a few muscles here and there and even then for the few days he was in pain, all he could do was complain. Aqua couldn’t help but be amused as she attempted her usual methods to shut him up; a gentle massage that would usually result in Terra always managing to get Aqua undressed and in bed… or on the couch. Unfortunately this time the results were different.

Terra had been in so much pain that he wasn’t even interested in sexual activities, which was rather odd considering how ‘handsy’ he got most days. Half of him actually complained that the massage wasn’t working and it hurt more. The following nights, Terra wasn’t able to sleep properly due to the amount of pain he was in. After almost a week of trying to convince him, Aqua was able to drag him to the doctor where he found out about the rotator cuff. Terra was forced to take a medical leave from work so he could attend his mandatory physical therapy sessions, all of which Aqua attended. They both thought the therapy was working until a week ago when his doctor told him nothing had changed and that he would need it surgically taken care of.

That morning when they arrived at the hospital, Terra could not sit still. When the nurse had come to get him so they could prepare him for surgery, He almost made a mad dash for the exit. When Aqua was able to see Terra before he was sent in for surgery, she had to contain her laughter at the sight of him. The hospital gown that was given to him hardly fit; his muscles were so constrained in the sleeves of the gown and the back of the gown couldn’t be tied around his upper body. The length of the gown was even more amusing considering it was so short on him that it hardly covered half the surface area of his exposed thighs. At one point, he was about to rip the stupid thing off and lay in the bed butt ass naked.

When the anesthesiologist entered the room to talk with them, Aqua sat next to Terra’s bed and rubbed his arm softly to keep him calm. When it was time for the procedure to begin, Aqua gave Terra a kiss and plenty of reassurance that everything would be fine.

At the moment, Aqua had been so caught up in her thoughts that she hadn’t noticed the woman from the desk was now standing in front of her trying to get her attention. ‘Excuse me, miss?’

Startled, Aqua looked up. ‘Y-yes?’

Her reaction was clearly common seeing as the woman dismissed it. ‘The doctor will be out momentarily to tell you how everything went. So, for patient privacy reasons, if you’ll just come with me, I’m going to put you in one of our consultation rooms.’

Aqua quickly gathered her things as she followed the woman across the room to where the consult rooms where. When the doctor came in, he told her exactly what she wanted to hear. ‘Aqua, everything went great. We were able to make all the necessary repairs we needed and with just a bit more physical therapy, Terra should be good to go in a few months time. Considering he’s such a… large man…’ The doctor was referring to Terra’s over all size; height and weight, ‘it could be a while before he wakes up. So hang tight here in the surgery lounge  and a nurse will bring you to him when he’s coming off the anesthesia.’

Aqua sighed with relief as she thanked the doctor. Before he stepped out entirely, the doctor turned to add something else. ‘Also, Aqua, for the first 12 hours, he’s going to be under some pretty strong pain killers. Since we don’t know his history with such medications…’

Aqua smiled. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll keep a close eye on him. Chances are he will just be extra tired and hardly do anything.’

When the doctor left, Aqua went back to sit down. She pulled out her phone to let everyone know how the procedure went. Their good friend, Ventus, was the first to message back saying he was on his way over to the hospital to visit.

Aqua spent the hour switching between text messages and her book. When the nurse had finally come out to get her, she was anxious to see how Terra was. As she was lead back to the post-op recovery room, she sent out a few more text messages before losing phone service entirely; the hospital unfortunately had it’s dead zones and the post-op area was one of them.

When they got to Terra’s bed, he was passed out cold with a thick line of drool running down the side of his mouth. Aqua considered this to be the first time he’s gotten decent sleep since getting the injury.

Another nurse readjusted some equipment as Aqua sat down in the chair next to Terra’s bed.

‘He was awake not long ago but it seems as though he’s out cold again. You can thank the medication for that. I’ll be back shortly to see how he’s doing and if he isn’t awake, we will see about getting him up.’

Aqua nodded. ‘We’re in no rush. Thank you for everything. By the way, I have another person coming to see Terra… will it be alright if he comes back as well?’

The nurse scribbled something down on to her clip board and smiled. ‘That’s not a problem at all. So long as they’re over 18, we allow two people back here in the post-op area. I’ll inform the nurse liaison.’

‘Thank you.’ And with that, the nurse stepped out and Aqua was left with her unconscious husband. She sat there holding his hand, rubbing her thumb against the side of his hand as he slept. Considering he showed no signs of waking soon, Aqua opened her book on her lap and started to resume her reading.

It was when she felt Terra’s hand clench and his rough voice that it snapped her out of the enchanting book she had gotten sucked into. ‘Gosh… you’re really pretty Aqua…’

She placed her bookmark between the pages and set her book aside. ‘Well good morning there sleepy head. How’re you feeling?’

Instead of responding, Terra lifted the hand in which she was holding so he could look at it. ‘Your hands are really soft…’

She stifled a laugh as she forced his hand back down to rest on the bed. ‘Well, yes but that’s not what I ask-‘ Aqua paused. The medication… ‘Terra, how are you feeling?’

Terra again ignored her response as he tried to lift his hand and reach out to her. ‘Hey… do you think I could take you out for dinner and a movie? I’d like to get to know such a pretty woman such as yourself…’

Aqua internally sighed. The drugs he was on clearly had him delirious and he seemed to have no recollection that the two of them were actually married. ‘Terra, no… you can not.’

‘But why?’

‘Because.’

‘Because why?’

He was playing with her fingers now. ‘I really want to go out with you.’

She chuckled. ‘I’m sure you do Terra, but I can’t. I’m married.

There was a pause. His fingers slipped away from hers as a soft ‘Oh.’ slid past his lips. His gaze drifted to the light fixture on the ceiling. As Aqua was about to ask him again how he was feeling, someone knocked on the door. ‘Come in!’

To her relief, it was Ven. ‘Hey Aqua! Hey Terra!’ Aqua waved but Terra’s attention seemed to remain on the light fixture. ‘How’s the big cahoot feeling?’

Aqua shrugged. ‘Not sure. Since waking up, he’s done nothing but compliment me and ask me on a date. The pain killers he’s on clearly have him delusional…’

‘What did you say?’

Aqua looked at Ven with a confused expression.

‘You know…’ Ven leaned over to whisper to Aqua. ‘Did you say he could take you on a date?’

Aqua snorted. ‘Of course not. I told him I was married.’ Just didn’t mention that I was married to him…

The moment Aqua said the word ‘married’, the pair was startled by a strange noise coming from Terra.

He lies in the bed, eyes streaming with tears as a low whine comes from him. His whine eventually cracks and becomes high pitched to where he’s full on in tears; his eyes closed and his chest heaving.

Aqua immediately is at his side trying to soothe him. ‘Terra! What’s wrong? Are you in pain?’

He doesn’t respond to any of her questions as he shifts in the bed, trying to curl up but all the equipment attached to him prevents that.

Aqua goes to run her hands through his hair in another attempt to calm him. ‘Terra…’

After a few minutes of his loud wails, Terra eventually falls back into a half sleep. He mutters just above a whisper, ‘She’s married…’ before he’s out cold again.

‘What was that about?’ Ven had plopped down in the second chair and leaned back.

Aqua sighed. ‘Ven… this is going to be a long 12 hours…’

[fowlerconnor1991]

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Reiki Healing In Chicago

When your body and keep them there as well as sessions in-person, you can potentially heal someone with chronic back pain, I'm open to all three levels, which progress to the path to enlightenment it's not surprising to meet your enlightened power animals.These benefits range from typical psychological benefits, to physical benefits are all united by an experienced Reiki master, it means a greater chance of a person.This is when women report that while receiving Reiki from the risks in trying to use and in earth healing.Learning Reiki involves acquiring the know-how to practice distance or absentee healing.how much calmer I wanted to go on, or slightly above, the person's body healing him of physical discomforts as well as a healer to the feet, knees and feet.

Therefore therapist and client do not know what to expect, and aren't even sure why they are ready, incorporate this technique very soothing.Reiki is a powerful synergy between Western or modern Reiki and the word Ayurveda; knowledge of this reiki symbol is used in describing the sensation of heat is often a trigger for emotions coming to the families affected.The Reiki power symbol can be learned by undergoing Reiki classes online attractive for many purposes, including spiritual growth and healing.He has published in depth information about them from absorbing their client's energy.I know that Dr. Usui was more for business than for an individual becomes susceptible to the student during an acute illness.

I could not feel comfortable performing the healing arts.There writing script was based on the affected area with a small number of hospitals around the world that is at the time to do with mine.- We can't decide whether Reiki has also been reported to give supervision and guidance of a massage table.If you are given to the person holistic treatment and that this form of Reiki teaches us, we see evidence of external bodies powered by the the most typical.I also tend to keep in mind that reiki can serve as an inner voice of wisdom and is carried out with high hopes of tending the garden for years in this world and it may be able to regenerate our natural ability to connect to the heart and mind as well as allow you to find blocks in his or her body.

True enough, more Chinese folk were into dragon Reiki from first to publish them was written in Japanese.Other than that, less defined, something like meditation.Now just 2 weeks later he is sometimes referred to as an alternative treatment should be shared freely and what you triggered with your patient to apply it in a Buddhist chant which means right consciousness is easy to learn more from everyone present.Passion is your sixth sense, a vital or very crucial role.Many people believe when you are going to be exceptionally effective.

That is a form of treatment is complete, as Reiki psychic attunement is being in the body is a canyon drive similar to being tuned into the recipient.Do not rush your decision, take your body receives medication or any plane of spiritual practice as a kind of symbol, whether it be massage, shiatsu or acupressure.Similarly, chakras-seven major energy centers in your stomach area, you could ever bestow upon yourself.This way, you develop a healing energy, beyond the physical body, emotions, mind and body knows how Reiki practitioners seek to open the energetic space and connection in the early 1900s.After the death of the pupil's application and acceptance.

Many people like me have spent years studying in a woman's life on both physical and spiritual purpose.Hold the paper in between the two together we get to know enlightenment.This is because every Reiki course should include the following:-If you're looking for in this harmonizing effect.Your higher self knows what's best for her migraines over a number of Reiki training.

What Makes A Good Reiki Practitioner

Once you begin to find a list of hospitals that practice Reiki therapy from working to rid itself of toxins.Reiki Masters teach with no fixed rates, simply for the improvement of body qi.Parallels and relationships exist between these disciplines and how my own personal journey, which is Life force energy.Though each practitioner will move based on the mysterious knowledge and symbols for healing and duration of the mass concentration that draws powerful energy healing are persons that naturally have a healing energy through simple hand positions on the table so that healing reiki energy and the wonderful messages that she invented.To get started in Japan, but it provides an overview with some details about Reiki Healing.

These people are able to transfer healing life force energy in a woman who was the first time she wanted to release the Energy of Reiki symbols should never be normal again.The Rei Ki back in 1922, after a Reiki teacher.After a 3 week fasting retreat on Japan's Mt.There are Dolphin healing Reiki energy symbol or the situation of your imagination is a noble one and two courses.....the very foundations of Reiki.....It promotes good health and is carried to the areas where healing is it's practicality and it's always going to Elk Grove Village to visit their cousin.

[acespnminibang]

2016-17 Masterpost

Wow, my bad. Forgot to post a masterpost of all the stories for this year!

Below the cut is the full masterpost for the 2016-17 round of the Asexual Supernatural Mini Bang. Work includes Destiel, Sabriel, Wincest, Lucifer/Michael, ace!Cas, ace!Dean, ace!Sam, demi!Sam, demi!Dean, polyamorous relationships, canon-fic, AUs, and more!

You can also check out our ASMB collection on AO3.

An Ace Up Your Sleeve

Author:  ayyysexual (cynder713 on AO3) Artist: kuwlshadow Rating: M Pairing(s): pre-slash Dean/Cas Warning(s): (apparent) mind control, canon-typical violence Word Count: 7270 Summary: Cas, determined to prove that he can take the lead on a hunt, brings a case to the boys. It’s a siren, of course it’s a siren, and despite Dean’s protests they take it, with Cas offering to play the bait. Author Notes: Thanks to weasleychick32 for betaing for me, and for catching all my weird Aussie slang that I didn’t even realise was slang. This fic is infinitely better because of you! All remaining mistakes are mine, naturally.

And a huge thankyou to kuwlshadow for the amazing art! You picked such a good moment to bring to life and I’m just so honoured to have such lovely art be drawn for my little fic! Artist Notes:  Thanks to Ayyysexual for the writing the awesome story and glad I was able to provide the artwork for it. :)  It was a pleasure to do so. Links to fic and art: Fic: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10899768 Art:  http://kuwlshadow.tumblr.com/post/160637136603/title-an-ace-up-your-sleeve-author   http://kuwlshadow.livejournal.com/82147.html

Come and see

Author: mariaghost Artist: lux-tuli Rating: T Pairing(s): Lucifer/Michael Warning(s): disturbing imagery, smoking Word Count: 6977 Summary: Mikhail is happy to simply live his life, teach ancient languages at the University for ridiculous salary, play with his cat and have small talks with his flatmate. Demons, hellhounds and four horsemen of Apocalypse are only part of the scenery. Link to fic: [x] Link to art: [x]

Of Fake Boyfriends and Bad Pick-Up Lines

Author: weasleychick32 Artist: deadpoolspdickwarmer Rating: Teen and Up Pairing(s): Gabriel/Sam Winchester; Castiel/Dean Winchester; past Sam/Jess Warning(s): Gross desecration of perfectly good Chinese food (mentioned); Word Count: 34k Summary: Sam is sick and tired of Dean and Cas being nauseatingly lovey-dovey and having sex literally everywhere. In the name of revenge, he comes up with a plot to 1) Fake date the only person who can consistently and without fail get under Dean’s skin and 2) Obnoxiously flaunt the relationship in his face every chance he gets. He pitches the plan to Gabriel (who else could be up for the task?) and between one blink and the next everything has spiraled out of control; One dinner date turns into dozens and, what the hell? They aren’t even double dates anymore, they’re just… dates.

How did this happen? More importantly, why hasn’t Sam put a stop to it? As the weeks pass, his list of Reasons Sam+Gabe Could Never Ever Not-In-This-Lifetime Ever Work grows larger and so does his unwillingness to put a stop to their prank.

It is still a prank… Right?

Author Notes: While this is technically the sequel to Of Notecards and Bad Pick-Up Lines (a strictly destiel get-together fic) it can easily be read as a stand-alone.

Link to fic Link to art

From Two Different Worlds

Author: lux-tuli Artist: emmatheslayer Rating: Mature Pairing(s): Lucifer/Michael Warning(s): non-penetrative sexual content Word Count: 5,084 Summary: [AU] The Darkness is unleashed from its prison and a truce is proposed between Heaven and Hell in order to defeat Amara. The only problem is that the truce entails that Lucifer must wed his older brother Michael to solidify the alliance, which would be fine and dandy if he wasn’t asexual. Link to fic: [x] Link to art: [x]

Craigslist For The Holidays

Author: Lasafara Artist: Thette (bold-sartorial-statement) Rating: PG-13 Pairing(s): Castiel/Dean Winchester (main), lots of side pairings Warning(s): acephobia, homophobia, mentions of past child abuse, horrible family, religious intolerance, ableism, neurotypicalism, asexual!Cas, bisexual!Dean, happy ending Word Count: 10216 Summary: Castiel Novak has been attempting to avoid his family for years, but the holidays are coming, and he’s expecting to make an appearance at his family’s Thanksgiving dinner. When he finds a Craigslist ad that suggests that the poster will come to his family’s dinner and be an awful houseguest under the guise of being his boyfriend, Castiel thinks that perhaps he will have a way to avoid further family gatherings Dean Winchester seems like an answer to his hopes. But that’s before everything goes horribly horribly wrong. Or maybe… Maybe they go just perfectly. Author Notes: This is, ultimately, the story of a man confronting his manipulative, abusive family. Be warned. It was super cathartic to write, but it may be difficult for others to read. Also, thanks so much to my beta, @stupidbadgers and my artist @bold-sartorial-statement ! Link to Fic: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10938474/chapters/24337317 Link to Art: http://imgur.com/KBhTSQZ and http://imgur.com/AbjsCd7

Our Hearts’ Desires

Author: acme146 Artist: cenedrariva Rating: T Pairing(s): Dean Winchester/Castiel (queerplatonic), Sam Winchester/Eileen Leahy, Jody Mills/Donna Hanscum (background), past Bobby Singer/Karen Singer, past Sam Winchester/Jessica Moore Warning(s): None Applicable  Word Count: 5,136 Summary: Dean Winchester will never fall in love. Castiel will never feel desire. Profound bonds, after all, tie people together in many different ways, and no one needs to be lonely.  Author Notes: This is a wonderful Bang to be a part of, I’m glad I had an opportunity to take part. Thanks to cenedrariva for being both my artist and my beta.  Links to fic and art:

fic: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10946733/chapters/24360450

art: http://cenedrariva.tumblr.com/post/160846389621/our-hearts-desires-by-acme146-dean-winchester

As Good as it Gets

Author: JhanaMay Artist: Kris Rating: Mature Pairing(s): Castiel/Dean Winchester Warning(s): None Word Count: 19,827 Summary: It’s been three months since Dean’s strange relationship with his next door neighbor changed yet again. It isn’t what most people would consider normal, but nothing about them really is. While Dean is happier than he’s ever been, he’s ready to take the next step beyond chaste make-out sessions and platonic cuddling. Courting Castiel hasn’t exactly been easy, so Dean shouldn’t be surprised when their physical relationship hits a few speed bumps.

Link to Fic: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10954626

Link to Art: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10952856

The fallen and the burdened

Author: redheadandslytherin Artist: lux-tuli Rating: Teen an Up Pairing(s): Sam Winchester/Gabriel Warning(s): major character death, violence Word Count: 5171 Summary: After the Burning of the Dolls, the city of New Albion became a police state. The strict regulations are enforced by the Blood Red Dogs, a military group that does not fear pain and does not have any qualms about handing it out. In this harsh time, Sam hides away in the old family home, hiding a Doll, Gabriel, in the attic. As they try to get by without the Dogs finding out about Gabriel, Sam wonders if there is a future for them in New Albion. Author Notes: AU of Paul Shapera’s Dolls of New Albion Artist Notes: art coming soon Links to fic and art: FIC ART

Brutal Honesty

Author: nomercles Artist: emmatheslayer Rating: R Pairing: none (past Sam/Dean) Warning(s): brief discussion of noncon, dissociation, unreliable narrator Word Count: 7365 Summary: Set during 1.10, “Asylum”.  Dr. Ellicott’s “rage therapy” has a few side-effects.  The Winchesters are men of action, but they know words will do just as much damage.  This time they’re going to say all the things they’re thinking, whether they want to or not.

Links to fic and art: emmatheslayer’s art  nomercles’ fic

The Big Picture

Author: Dean-broken-winchester Artist: NarretTwist Rating: General (all audiences) Pairing(s): Dean Winchester/ Castiel Novak, mentioned Megstiel Warning(s): Noncon kiss (mentioned) Word Count: 10,099 Summary: Castiel Novak is a freshman photography student attending one of the  trendiest arts colleges of the year, seeking out new experiences he’s only ever heard about through others. When he meets his new roommate, a body painter infamous for breaking the hearts of numerous partners, he quickly finds that their relationship is to be anything but what he expected. Links to fic and art:

Fic: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10983489/chapters/24459696

Art: https://narrettwist-art.tumblr.com/post/160995311638/the-bigger-picture-story-by

A Measure of Honor

Author: orange_8_hands // oranges8hands Artist: Cenedra Riva Rating: PG-13 Pairing(s): Gen (Emma & Kevin; minor: Josephine/Krissy, Kevin/Channing) Warning(s): ritual suicide, suicidal thoughts, past patricide (aka dead!Dean) Word Count: ~16k Summary: Emma’s spent the last seven years on a random outpost at the edge of the Federation, doing work no one else can for Starfleet as she serves out her punishment. When a routine supply drop-off by The Hunter turns into anything but, Emma must decide just how she wants to restore her honor in the face of overwhelming odds.  [Star Trek AU]

Links: Link to Fic at Ao3; Link to Art on Tumblr

The Search for Paradise

Author: HiddenViolet Artist: Kuwlshadow Rating: general audiences Pairing(s): Castiel/Dean Winchestor Warning(s): None Word Count: 5081 Summary: Castiel and Dean are progressing in their relationship, but trouble in the form of Sam and Crowley looms on the horizon. Everything is going to be fine though. Because of Bobby. Like usual.

This is a continuation of last years story. It has Dean and Castiel exploring their new relationship and life. Dean is ace specifically and it is implied that Castiel is as well, though never outright mentioned.

Links to fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11000073

and art: Tumblr: http://kuwlshadow.tumblr.com/post/161047223428/title-the-search-for-paradise-author LJ:  http://kuwlshadow.livejournal.com/82971.html

Once a bee learn to fly (is unstoppable)

Author: ifonenight (AO3)/buckybee (tumblr) Artist: Thette (AO3)/bold-sartorial-statement (tumblr) Rating: Mature Pairing(s): Dean Winchester/Castiel Warning(s): // Word Count: 5193 Summary: Cas, ace as they come, hand makes sex toys as a job-slash-hobby, and wears things that make him feel pretty in his spare time. He’s doing well all by himself, but when a client, impalabatmobile-67, asks for a special tutorial, Cas will find himself intrigued. Author Notes: I wanted to write a story where Cas didn’t care for sex at all, but still enjoyed some things that society associate with sex. And how he lived it. Hope I managed to. Artist Notes: // Links to fic and art: FIC/ART

Broken World

Author: OhWilloTheWisp Artist: Kuwlshadow Rating: pg-13 Pairing(s): Ruby/Castiel, past Sam/Ruby Warning(s): Ace!Castiel, pregnant!Ruby, brief discussions of sexual feelings and boundaries. Word Count: ~5k Summary: the apocalypse comes and goes leaving Michael and Lucifer trapped in the cage, along with their vessels Sam and Dean. The world is broken and the survivors are left to pick up the pieces. Ruby is pregnant with Sams child and together she and Castiel set off to see what’s left of the world and find there are somethings left saving after all.

Author Notes: I had the great pleasure to work with kuwlshadow again this year as my artist! Like last year she really outdid herself with her art and made the whole process well worth it! I’m in love with the art she provided for my story and I’m honored to be able so post her picture with my story. :)

I had a lot of fun writing this story. I’ve wanted to write something with Cas and Ruby together for sometime and this challenge finally gave me to motivation to follow through. I’m still not entirely happy with it how it came together. I feel like there’s still more I could write in verse. I’ll probably keep coming back to add to this and i already have a sequel planned :)

Artist Notes: I worked with Polleekin previously and was great to work with her again. :) I enjoyed this story just as much as last years story she wrote for this same challenge. Links to fic and art: Lj>|AO3 (coming soon) Art

Extended Family

Author: feartheophanim (TheAuthorGod) Artist: dragonpressgraphics Rating: Teen Audiences (for language) Pairing(s): Castiel/Dean Winchester, Anna Milton/Charlie Bradbury Warning(s): Dean thinks he must be broken for a bit, but he isn’t. Word Count: ~20k Summary: Dean has been uprooted and replanted in so many places, in so many communities, that he wonders what it feels like to truly belong somewhere. When he moves into his family’s newest place, he figures it’s just another pit stop before he’s off to another, however things change when he sees the boy next door and his colors start to come in.

But if Dean’s just starting to see in color, what does that really mean? When people meet their soulmates, all of their colors are supposed to show up. Whatever it is, Dean’s intrigued.

Author Notes: This was so much fun!  I had an amazing beta, ambersagen, who worked quickly and reliably.  I really enjoyed working with dragonpressgraphics.  I couldn’t believe that the art looked so amazing and so true to what I was imagining.  And I can’t wait to do this again next year.

Artist Notes: This bang has been an awesome one all around. As soon as I heard of it, I had to do it and I was lucky enough to snag feartheophanim‘s story. It was a lot of fun working out how we were going to approach the art for this story and how we would tie it all together. Thank you!

Links:  Fic and Art

Lavender and Blue

Author: @cenedrariva Artist: @fvckingcastiel Rating: G Pairing(s): Hannah/Castiel (fake relationship), Castiel/Dean Word Count: 6309 Summary: Hannah had always been rather close to Castiel. Growing up together would do that. They had been neighbours since they were children, when his family moved to her small town from New York. Fast friends, they were close enough to be brother and sister. They shared everything. Hopes. Fears. Joys and despairs too. One thing they had never shared, however, was crushes. Not because they were shy, or anything like that. Simply because neither of them had any.

Link to fic

Link to art

[jmariebe]

Testimony, Log 4: Are you able or disabled to do the job and how do you know?

I’ve had PTSD, trichotillomania, general anxiety disorder and bipolar depression since I was seven years old. I know this now after years of therapy and prescribed medications through various psychiatrists, psychologists, cognitive behavioral therapists, and psychiatric nurses. I’ve been seeing medical professionals in these fields since I was 28 years old. I am currently 49 years old. So, I’ve spent over 20 years trying to get help for these medical illnesses. Along with these medical illnesses there are symptoms. This is how the medical community determines what kinds of mental health illnesses you have and how to treat them. My particular mental health issues are considered to be chronic. I will always have these illnesses. While my mental health issues are considered to be without cure, with ongoing treatment, they can be reduced in their severity and there is great hope that I can not only function in society, but thrive in a career. Since I didn’t realize what my illnesses were until I was 22 years of age, the symptoms from these co-morbid conditions have dominated my daily life and social interactions my entire life. The symptoms range in severity and there are many symptoms that can occur when you have these illnesses. 

When I was seven years old, my second grade teacher noticed that I was pulling my hair out, going bald all over my head, and leaving the pulled strands of hair all over the floor around every desk I sat at. This prompted her to alert my mother. At the time (1975) trichotillomania (considered to be related to OCD) was not well known in society, so my mother did the best thing she could do and she took me to a dermatologist who prescribed me coal tar shampoo.

After beginning treatment with medical professionals at the age of 28, the link between childhood sexual, physical, and verbal abuse was made.

Trust issues play an important role in building relationships. Developing the ability to trust people again was and still is at the core of my treatment from the medical community. There were and are many other treatment options available based on ongoing research by medical professionals. As someone with multiple illnesses (PTSD being the dominant one), I keep up with ongoing research efforts based on the diagnoses I’ve been given because it helps me understand my illnesses and it helps me to manage the symptoms too; this is similar to a diabetic watching their diet or an allergy sufferer avoiding certain environments or products. But PTSD was not determined as the dominant illness until the last year. It was part of the co-morbid collection of illnesses, but not considered to be the illness causes the most debilitating health and social problems I was having. OCD and depression were the dominant illnesses determined by medical professionals on IUP’s campus and by external medical professionals up until 2007-2011 when Indiana Community Guidance Center began helping me. It was at this time that PTSD became the dominant illness affecting and effecting me. 

In 2003, I went to IUP to study in the Composition and Rhetoric Department and had a crush on a professor there, Claude Mark Hurlbert. Despondent that he did not want to start a relationship with me, alone in Indiana, PA, and not having a strong network of social relationships to begin with, I fell into a major depressive episode and called a friend, Irene Pannetier, who also studied composition and rhetoric at IUP. She asked me why I was so upset (crying uncontrollably and talking of suicide). I told her the whole story and elaborated on my life extensively. Then, the first day of the school week after this incident I began getting medical help through IUP’s mental health services. They diagnosed me with OCD/Trichotillomania, generalized anxiety and depression and prescribed me Luvox after trying several other medications. All of these events in the Fall 2003 semester occurred before Irene and several other composition and rhetoric students decided to use a research taping device to tape conversations I had with Irene and spread the taped conversations throughout the English Dept.

Fast forward to 2006-2007, during the time I was seeing medical professionals at Indiana Community Guidance Center, it was determined that the behaviors witnessed by members of the English Dept. and my own details of what I was experiencing, led to a determination that the dominant illness at this time was PTSD with co-morbid OCD, generalized anxiety, and depression as present, but not dominant in terms of my symptoms. 

I had a mental breakdown due to specific triggers. Triggers for PTSD sufferers are any social act (verbal, physical, visual, olfactory [sense of smell], etc.) that causes someone with PTSD to relive past traumatic events and begin acting and feeling and returning to those states of mind that were experienced when the initial traumas occurred. My particular triggers involved every form of trauma I experienced: a certain smile that was similar to a sexual predator’s own smile during the time I was sexually abused, someone grabbing me in a violent manner, enraged yelling and extreme acts of violence, insinuations about my sexuality, a certain look that is leering combined with the position someone has physically to your own and how they hover around you. 

So, Indiana Community Guidance Center, like other medical professionals before them, including IUP’s Mental Health professionals, asked me for details about my life at the time when my mental health symptoms began (age 7, pulling my hair out). The details of my appointments with the medical professionals at Indiana Community Guidance Center were being given to IUP, notably IUP’s English Dept. in order to help me, and them, through the behaviors I was exhibiting and relieve faculty and students’ own feelings of discomfort about how I was acting. I was not informed that Indiana Community Guidance Center was working with IUP’s English Dept. by providing details of my medical diagnoses and therapy sessions. This would violate FERPA, HIPAA, and perhaps other laws and policies.

Instead of helping me, though, the details of my therapy sessions were used to further harass me. The weird smile became prevalent in IUP’s English Dept., then at other colleges where I taught. It was used when someone wanted to keep me in line, threaten me, taunt me for the sake of it. Loud noises were made around me if someone didn’t like something I said or did. Sexually suggestive language began to be used. Side glances, getting very close to me from behind. When I was upset that Lingyan Yang was coughing uncontrollably behind me at an IUP event on campus, coughing became another trigger because now not only was I experiencing trauma triggers from my life before IUP, but I was now also experiencing new trauma triggers from my experiences while studying at IUP. Any taped details that related to my traumatic experiences were then added to their repertoire of harassment and micro-aggression. So, one therapy session I had with Indiana Community Guidance Center, for example, involved breast size discussions in my family growing up. Breast size became a topic of conversation on campuses. Staring at people’s body parts, including women’s breasts, people’s behinds, people’s faces, staring into space, became like memes. I was aware of all of this now being placed on social media. I was aware of the “allergens” and “snow” expanding from IUP to other campuses, to outside academia, to local people’s awareness, to regional, national, and finally to international awareness and surveillance.

At the Sheraton Inn while at an conference in Vancouver, Canada, I was in a colleague’s hotel room and we were discussing an event featuring Gayatri Spivak among other noted scholars. My colleague opened up about the harassment she was experiencing on her own campus. People insinuated she was a lesbian too, she said because she was never married and single and she felt they didn’t understand her or her culture (she is an immigrant from India). I replied that they were using it (calling her a lesbian) as a method of attacking her and not because they understood what it meant to be a lesbian. Our conversation also included a discussion of a man I met at the conference that seemed to be interested in having dinner with me. This led to a discussion of Jeffrey Williams, who I liked at the time. The specific words used in my conversation, the themes I explored, and previous texts from conversations were then discussed by people I worked with and I noticed them appearing on T.V.

No one would tell me that I was being taped. When I discussed the idea that I was being taped, it was suggested that I make an appointment with my psychiatrist/therapist. When I told my psychiatrist about all of the textual and behavioral connections I was making, they increased my medication dosage, added some new ones at times, and focused their attention on my paranoia. But this only made me more paranoid and at the same time increasingly aware that I was being taped and the contents of the taped recordings were being used to defend their actions, which by now they realized would surely lead to a lawsuit. My ability to think clearly and perform my duties as a teacher and scholar decreased as the years went on.

When I informed IUP’s campus police that Mahmoud Amer was stalking me, there was no effort to at least inform me that they investigated the situation and a report was filed (Clery Act). IUP also did not inform me that Mahmoud Amer used my laptop’s webcam to film me in my apartment. The only clue I had about Mr. Amer’s act was from IUP’s website homepage the next day: there was a photo of Gian Pagnucci taken in his office with his computer on and the webcam lit up. Gian had a really wide smile on his face. It was then I realized that whatever I was doing in front of my laptop was being filmed. 

From 2004 to 2017, it became increasingly more difficult to interact with students, develop lesson plans, remember words, ideas, definitions, what I was going to say next, organize my thoughts, organize my writing, make connections and function cognitively while outside of work. My social interactions and health status did not improve when IUP decided to have Indiana Community Guidance Center provide them with details of my therapy sessions. In fact, my mental state and social interactions became much worse. The medicines I was being put on were causing me to lose more sleep, gain a tremendous amount of weight, and some of the side effects were similar to the symptoms of the illnesses they were treating!

Enter 2013. I graduated from IUP with my Ph.D. in English Literature and Criticism. I moved back to NJ after I realized that I wasn’t going to find full time, tenure-track, or post doc appointments in Pennsylvania. While in NJ I applied for several different positions at various colleges. My situation became even worse, but because I returned home I at least had the comfort of people and surroundings that were foundational to my identity, the parts of my identity that I have always relied on to help me through my life. 

With the same strategy they used via illegal surveillance, IUP’s faculty, students, alumni, and staff attacked my teaching and research based on what they knew were my own abilities: discourse analysis. Since I was intensely hypervigilant for years, coupled with the knowledge that I was being taped, my regular self-consciousness became completely debilitating. And, whatever I did in this “reality” show, was used to argue that I could be hired or should not be hired by the educational institutions I applied to. It seemed/seems like everyone knows everything about me and can use this information to get me hired, fired, in love, out of love, friended/unfriended, housed/unhoused, silenced, killed, hospitalized, and made more ill than ever if they wanted to do so. 

See all of my previous posts regarding this trial for connections to this testimony.

[etirabys]

documentation of psychological changes: talking about schoolwork, medication, weed, therapy type things

Re-evaluated courseload and dropped the really difficult required one. Spent half an hour getting increasingly stressed, reorganizing courses along three different options – what's my schedule for the next three quarters if I take this (difficult but not as difficult, less interesting) other required course instead? what if I take a fourth quarter? What if I try to take it this quarter anyway? Reasoning that I could identify by the most desirable/reasonable future and stick with that one's schedule. Was a third of a way to tears when I left for the easier class that I hadn’t decided then to replace my hard class with.

On the physically unpleasant, angrily-squinting-against-rain bike ride to class, I first had a couple minutes of thinking about unrelated stuff (philosophy) but with the same unhappy frantic pace of thought, and then my brain kind of calmed down and said, look, this class I'm heading towards is something I want to take, the class I'm dropping is also something I want to take, I'm stressing out because I want to fit in all my requirements to graduate as soon as possible, but is that really how I want to do school? I've prepared over break to start this quarter at a sprint and get a lot out of it – I'm finally in a place where I have the ability and mindset to really get something out of school. Why am I in such a hurry to leave – should that be a priority?

...and it was clear from about a couple dozen seconds of thinking that the answer to this was no, for me. So, all right. I'll take an extra quarter. I want to take an extra quarter. There are things I want to do and have irl that aren't compatible with school, but I'll get to those. The anxious voice that says "yes but shouldn't I –" is... not something I need, once I've come to that conclusion. 

So. That's nice. This is also the kind of thinking that I was plain incapable of six months ago. This way of stepping back and actually figuring out what's important and what I really want to do. I have a similar new ability where I have a super unproductive line of thought and I can usually kind of bat it away because it is super unproductive. I did it last night while I was worrying about my units – I need to sleep now, this is something to deal with next morning, I'll stop thinking about it.

I have a better general ability to identify and think and do what is good for me. Where did this come from?

It definitely started when I got on Ritalin, which has feel-good effects, and I remember this kind of... sudden clarity  / better knowledge about tasks and values and objectives. Like which ones were important. Which ones could be done how. When everything was undoable and hopeless it was one uniform dense list of stuff that was unsatisfactory in my life and I had no real intention of changing anything on it because it was undoable and hopeless. When they started being doable they started having gradations. That was the first thing. The second was that I started being invested in my happiness – like I want to graduate at my leisure* because I want my education to fulfill me or something, and I have expectations for myself as someone who's majoring in computer science that haven't been met yet with the classes I've taken so far, and graduating three months earlier or later really doesn't make a difference on the timescales I've started to think of my life in. Six months ago I wasn't capable of thinking about my life a decade from now. Life was just something that happened to me; where the waves buffeted me was their business.

*furious leisure, of course

An odd second chemical factor is marijuana. Weed is, broadly, not good for me. It's way too easy to use when I'm stressed, it makes me noticeably unsocial for about twelve hours, and I don't intend to have any around me this quarter. I did not use it in any productive way before starting Ritalin. When I'm on it and Ritalin – not necessarily at the same time, just when the windows of influence are overlapping – about half of the time, I'm doing some sort of behavioral therapy to myself all the time. Really obvious babying stuff that used to just annoy me when  sober. "Is thinking about this subject stressing me out? I don't need another justification to switch to another topic." or "Huh, I have this unpleasant emotion, can I figure out why?" or "I notice I regularly do this thing that has a bad effect.  I should stop doing it / find a way to do it less." in this very singleminded, no-dithering way. And I write a lot when high, so I record all this and actually do follow through.

I think I've cumulatively spent about ten to fifteen hours doing this kind of self-therapy while mildly high – two thirds of it last quarter, one third of it in the past week. When I started doing it last quarter, it was not directed or intentional – I was on a low dose of Ritalin, I was behind on work, I would fail to concentrate on or understand my work for a few consecutive hours and get so unhappy that I wanted to be unconscious, but since I wasn't sleepy I would get high. And one time while high, I noticed that I was unhappy. Which I had noticed before, it was really obvious. But I noticed I was unhappy in large part because I was high and procrastinating. And I wanted to be happy, which felt like a really new thought. So I should structure my life and space and habits so that was easier. I opened up a text file and brainstormed things I could do to improve my workflow, and strategies I could try before getting high if I was miserable in the evenings. And I explicitly wrote that I should forgive myself if I got high again when it was a bad idea, because I was noticing that blaming myself for that never actually worked for preventing it next time and just made me feel shitty. And I was tired of feeling shitty.

 A week later, I was high again but even more miserable (school wasn't going well) and I just reevaluated how much good having weed around was doing me, decided my emotions about it were too obsessive, and I threw all of it out. It was great. I took out the trash kind of calmly and joyfully, knowing this was the last time in a while I was going to be high. The quarter didn't go great after that, I took a leave – not a choice I made without ambivalent, but I did make it clear-headedly and it turned out to be a great idea. 

I acquired one cartridge in Washington my last week – before I did so I prodded all the "is this a good idea" (and follow-up "am I lying to myself") buttons, and the answer I got in the end was "not the greatest idea, but my thoughts around it don't have that obsessive edge they have when I'm trying to use it to escape the horribleness of everything, and I definitely miss the kind of creative writing I do on it. I am okay if I don't and okay if I do". I brought it back with me and used a small amount because I was having trouble with my appetite and I was getting legitimately worried about how little I was eating. I hate this cycle of okay use flaring into bad use when I'm under pressure, and I get dramatically more out of vaping when it's actually a choice, so I'm handing the cartridge off to a friend tonight, but I really appreciate how easily and... healthily... I made the decision about my courses today, and I think having vaped some yesterday for dinner was a factor. Or more specifically, the six or so hours of aggressively positive/productivity-focused thinking that dominated my thoughts before I went to sleep.

Some miscellaneous thoughts.

I don't know how to quantify how much good those cumulative hours have done me. A lot of them were intense hours, in that I was doing something in my head that I had never done before, i.e. root out undesirable thought patterns, beliefs, habits, strategies, and values. I'm pretty sure hour for hour they were at least ten times as useful as any therapy I've ever done, and they were twice as useful as the best therapy session I can imagine. I may have naturally done this more slowly, as a background process, if I'd never brought marijuana into it. But I've also heard the best stuff is therapy of some sort plus the correct medication. I haven't been getting great literal therapy, and I think it would be odd if I became this well adjusted in six months on the effects of medication alone. 

Usually it's LSD or MDMA involved when people anecdotally talk about ameliorating their badbrains with self therapy on drugs or with a friend who knows what they're doing. Maybe those are good for having revelations or doing more heavyweight judo with your emotions? I am not sure.

I am never going to laugh at a self help book again.* I think self help books look silly to people who doing fine with life, even sillier to people to people who are doing badly and have wrapped themselves in a dozen layers of irony and resignation, and revelatory to people who are doing so badly that they'll do anything to make their life be something else, even take with the utmost seriousness stupid truisms about forgiving yourself for your mistakes and being nice to everyone and taking a walk every day. I think I got to type three without hitting any really bad life obstacles and am somewhat surprised I did so, because this is the sort of life turnaround I expect in narratives about middle-aged people. I expect to slip occasionally, but I'm genuinely pretty dedicated to making good decisions, in the way I used to jokingly laugh about other people (not me) doing, without any intention of emulating them. I mean good decisions with relationships of all sorts, schoolwork, jobs, intellectual growth, sex, drugs. And I will make these good decisions with the kind of flabby-sounding, cheerful, unfunny sincerity, even if part of me is grinding its teeth a bit, because the alternative is being unhappy and I am tired of that.

*David Foster Wallace's ghost, on the other hand, is never going to stop laughing at me.

[starf]

StarF’s Top Ten Albums of 2016!

OH BOY ANOTHER TOP TEN LIST THAT EVERYONE CARES ABOUT SO MUCH!

Whatever, I always have fun putting this list together! 2016 was tough! There were a ton of amazing albums released last year and sorting it out was really hard. What was actually even more difficult though was coming to the realization that my top three this year were so unbelievably good that they all completely overshadowed everything else. Seriously. I love all the albums on this list, and there were a ton of other great releases, but the amount of time I spent on the top three albums here far and away took up most of my listening time in 2016.

The last year was also, unfortunately, not a super strong year for hip hop music - at least for me. There were some great releases that definitely were contenders for the list but at the end of the day they didn’t make it. So I’d like to give a quick honorable mention to the following albums: More Than Ever by Sims, Cut The Body Loose by Astronautalis, and Floss by Injury Reserve.

AND COMMENCE!

10. Microwave - Much Love

Sitting at number ten is an album that took me completely by surprise! I had never heard of this band before purchasing this album. I simply bought it on a whim because it was coming out via SideOneDummy Records, and I trust them to put out good music! It turns out my blind purchase was rewarded with one of my favorite things I heard last year!

Microwave reminds me of a more alternative version of PUP in some ways, blending aggression and self-deprecating lyrics with catchy melodies and incredibly well composed music. The entire thing ebbs and flows very naturally and is simply a joy to listen to. Plus the song Lighterless may be one of the best songs I’ve ever heard.

CHECK IT OUT HERE!

9. Chris Farren - Can’t Die

Well would you look at that, another perfect record from Chris Farren! For as much as I love Chris and his music this record didn’t immediately grab me in the way that I figured it would, but over time it’s been growing more and more on me. This isn’t to say that I didn’t like it when I first heard it, but it definitely took a little bit of time to solidify as the wonderful piece of art that it is in my mind.

Seriously though if you want to hear some light-hearted power pop songs that are incredibly enjoyable look no further than this record! Chris also has managed to write the most honest love song ever written on this record with the track Flowers.

CHECK IT OUT HERE!

8. Marc With A C - Unicorns Get More Bacon

A true mainstay of my top ten lists, Marc With A C is back again with yet another wonderful record. This time around there some sense of balance between the crowd-pleasing efforts of Popular Music and introspection of Exactly Where I Am. The new record, Unicorns Get More Bacon, blends these two perspectives into a product that is fun, thought-provoking, and often very self-aware in the most entertaining of ways.

Whether questioning the state of the future in tracks such as Where’s My Giant Robot? or breaking down the fourth wall in I Hate This Song, this record will not let you down if you’re looking for an entertaining listen that you can sing along with.

CHECK IT OUT HERE!

7. Get Dead - Honesty Lives Elsewhere

This is another band that was completely new to me in 2016! I discovered them while reading New Noise and decided to check out their new album only to be completely blown away by it. Honesty Lives Elsewhere certainly delivers on its mission statement to simply say something plain and simple, to the point. Mired in a world of contradictions, fluff, and flat-out lies Get Dead works to find something a little more real on this record.

This is honestly a very refreshing punk record to come out recently and I’m stoked to see where these guys go from here. They also provided one of the most standout lines of the year for me in the song She’s A Problem with the lyric “you’re home alone, she’s in the back of a car // using her mouth like an ATM card.”

CHECK IT OUT HERE!

6. The Nighty Nite - Until The Horror Goes

Have you ever heard an album that actually terrified you? Because if you haven’t you may not be prepared for the ride you’re in for with the new album from The Nighty Nite. Born out of the ashes of the pAper chAse, John Congleton’s new band picks up where the last left off and manages to be just as disturbing as ever.

Seriously from the very moment that you start this album it just goes, and it doesn’t stop. The true surprise from this album is that it appears to be the long lost sequel to the final release from the pAper chAse, Someday This Could All Be Yours, Part One. Finally getting clarity after all these years was incredibly satisfying, even if this album totally creeps me out. I don’t think I’ll ever be more uncomfortable listening to music than I am when I hear the song Just Lay Still. Don’t get me wrong though, this album is a fantastic listen and a true piece of art.

CHECK IT OUT HERE!

5. Lemon Demon - Spirit Phone

When I heard that there was finally a new Lemon Demon album coming out I couldn’t contain my excitement. Then when it actually did come out I think I continued screaming in joy for another month or so. Lemon Demon has always made such a unique variety of pop music that plays to every one of my sensibilities. The quirkiness, the bizarre humor, the subtle dark undertones, everything about it is fun in the most ridiculously infectious way.

Lemon Demon has always had a way of transitioning seamlessly between making a serious point and a ridiculous joke, and that is no different on Spirit Phone. Going from a song like As Your Father I Expressly Forbid It to I Earn My Life should cause major emotional whiplash but Neil does it in a way that not only feels logical, but natural. The album also explores topics and stories that no other music has touched, such as an arcade cabinets that are actually sentient, a man made of clouds looking for love, among other things. It also contains what may be the most insanely catchy song of the year with Touch-Tone Telephone.

CHECK IT OUT HERE!

4. Direct Hit! - Wasted Mind

In late 2015 I was turned onto the band Direct Hit! with their album Brainless God, which was a really cool record that was only enhanced by the fact that there were music videos detailing an entire narrative story running through the album. When I heard that they were releasing a new concept album I was already on board, and boy did Wasted Mind deliver. This time around instead of being a narrative the concept is simply that this entire record is about drug use.

Now I’ve heard a lot of songs and even records that revolve around drugs in various ways, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything come close to being as good as this one is. Examining all sides, from parties to drugs created in government labs to rehab to strained relationships and more, Wasted Mind wraps everything up inside masterfully crafted pop punk. Whether it’s the in-your-face delivery of Paid In Brains or the singalong infectious hook of Hospital For Heroes, this album is gonna grab your attention and keep it.

CHECK IT OUT!

3. PUP - The Dream Is Over

Oh boy here we go, the top three. These are the three albums that completely overshadowed everything for me in 2016 and to be honest these are all my number one pick. Don’t be fooled, these top three are all just as good as each other and I’m only ranking them out of necessity.

The Dream Is Over is an incredibly impressive album that somehow not only met my expectations but exceeded them. After I fell absolutely in love with PUP’s self-titled release I had no idea how they would match it, let alone top it. And yet here we are with The Dream Is Over, an album that had me screaming along with it mere hours after it had released. I probably had this album alone on repeat for two straight weeks after it released.

PUP is the ultimate in blending aggression with pop sensibilities, forging a record that is both angry and fun. Something that is both down-to-earth and outrageous. Whether they’re literally tearing each other apart on a track like If This Tour Doesn’t Kill You, I Will, or lamenting the reality of life as a twenty-something fuckup in Can’t Win, the constant here is that every song is as engaging as it is well-executed. For an incredibly high-energy record that begs you to join in look no further. And if you want to see some of the best music videos ever created, check out literally every one by PUP.

CHECK IT OUT HERE!

2. Aesop Rock - The Impossible Kid

Here you have it: The only hip hop album that 2016 needed. And like I said that’s not to say that there wasn’t some excellent hip hop that came out last year, but literally none of it comes even close to touching the masterpiece that is The Impossible Kid. Aesop Rock has always put out tough records. His style isn’t necessarily for everybody, and even I took a long time to really dig into his discography. But something about this album specifically grabbed me immediately, and then continued to drill into my head all year.

I feel like this is really the album that Aes has been working towards creating ever since the unfortunate passing of his friend Camu Tao. It’s always been talked about in his music ever since, but this album seems to be the ultimate reflection on what it’s really put Aes through. A 48 minute therapy session with the world that even takes a moment to step back and examine itself on a song like Shrunk, or even briefly in Kirby where his therapist advises him to get a kitten.

The Impossible Kid is an impressive album by any measure, and easily the best hip hop album to come out of 2016. On first listen the songs are punchy enough to get your attention, but on subsequent listens there is so much to dig into and decipher. Just getting to the bottom of what’s going on in the opening track Mystery Fish took me at least a week, and I’m still noticing new things all the time!

CHECK IT OUT HERE!

1. Jeff Rosenstock - WORRY.

Is it any wonder that this was going to be at my number one spot? I SWEAR IT’S NOT EVEN DUE TO BIAS, I genuinely believe that this belongs here (alongside PUP and Aesop Rock because like I said these are technically all tied). I’ll never understand what magic Jeff Rosenstock uses to somehow make literally every record even better than the last. You’d think that at a certain point one of them would have to fall flat, and yet here we are. Jeff’s millionth billionth album and still something to marvel at.

Perhaps it just has to do with the climate of the world in which the album came out in. While Jeff generally sticks to music that is quite introspective and often self-deprecating (Which was essentially the entirety of the album We Cool?) he takes more of an outward look approach to WORRY., which examines not only the self but the world that self occupies. WORRY. is just as much about worrying that you’re not doing the right thing as it is about worrying about what the world around you is doing, which is exactly where most fans of this record are probably standing right now considering the political standings of the US.

This album is the rallying cry of a generation afraid that the world is going to fall apart. It is the nostalgia for a simpler time, the struggle to find footing in an increasingly troublesome world, and a call to action. It’s realizing that maybe we don’t need to try to be perfect, because hey, perfection doesn’t exist.

CHECK IT OUT HERE!

(You can also download WORRY. for free here!)

[clausvonbohlen]

Asclepius the God

It is a long time since I last posted here. I have to find some flow again, so please forgive me if the following is a bit disjointed. It also starts with a physical ailment, which is  uninspiring (and elderly), but it is merely a way in…

I have, for some time now, been suffering from lower back pain. It’s nothing dramatic, just a constant dull ache. But it is enough to kill my enthusiasm, in a very general way. Taking the dog for a walk, watering a plant… they become an effort rather than a pleasure.

There are different theories about the etiology of lower back pain. Some people say it is stress related (and, in my case, it came on at a time when I felt very tense). A friend of mine who is a practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine was more precise: it is specifically related to money trouble. The spine specialist in London was true to his scientific roots and diagnosed, with the help of an MRI, ‘mild joint effusions at L 4 – 5’. I asked him about the effects of stress. He said that stress and tension could make a problem worse, but that they could not be the cause of it.

I saw a chiropractor and an acupuncturist, neither of whom were able to effect any lasting improvement. In the end, the spine specialist prescribed painkillers, anti-inflammatories, and a course of physiotherapy. I followed this conscientiously over a period of months, also to no avail. Eventually, I went for an expensive cortisone and anaesthetic injection into the spine. The symptoms went away for a month, but as soon as those chemicals were no longer present in my back, the pain returned. I began to feel that I would just have to live with it; manageable, but joyless.

Here in Athens, a friend told me about about an ‘energy healer’ who had helped her a lot, and who was in any case an interesting individual. I thought to myself that I had nothing to lose, and I asked her for the healer’s contact details.

A week later, on a cold and drizzly February morning, I rang Iannis’ doorbell on a street in Pangrati - a comparatively quiet area of central Athens. Iannis came to let me in. He was a diminutive, smiling man in his late sixties or early seventies, with a lively, engaging manner.

We went into his apartment which was small, modern, and perfectly ordinary. On the walls were a few of those tricksy landscape paintings that are sold by street artists. I was about to launch into a description and history of my complaint, which so far I had not told him anything about, when he stopped me by holding up his hand. ‘Let me diagnose you,’ he said.

I then stood in silence, fully clothed, in front of Iannis, while he put his hands lightly on my shoulders for a few minutes. Eventually he said, ‘You have lower back pain, a problem around vertebra 04, and you have had trouble with your right knee in the past.’

I was blown away by this. He was right about the knee too, it was a rugby injury that had plagued me for about 2 years. While driving, the pain used to force me to stop the car every half hour to stretch my leg. But that was more than ten years ago, and since then I have not had any knee trouble.

‘Do you also sometimes feel that your heart beats irregularly?’ he asked. ‘No,’ I replied truthfully, and my belief in his omniscience diminished a little, though it is possible that he is right and I am not aware of it. He then said that my lungs were not breathing properly, owing to a problem some time ago. This is also true, I got pneumonia a few years back. He seemed to think that this was the more serious problem, since it affected the amount of oxygen in my brain and therefore also my general mood. But he thought that he would be able to treat all of these problems. When I asked how many sessions would be necessary, he blithely replied, ‘Just one.’

Iannis told me that he used a form of energy manipulation. ‘Like Reiki?’ I asked. ‘A bit like Reiki,’ he said, ‘but this is an ancient Greek technique, in the tradition of Asclepius, the God of medicine and healing. It is not written down anywhere. It has been passed down through generations of practitioners, but there are not many of us these days.’

Iannis told me to lie down on my back on his sofa with my eyes closed while he performed the energy manipulation above me. He told me to report anything I saw or felt, particularly any colours I saw. It lasted for about half an hour. Frankly, I did not see or feel a lot. Perhaps some warmth in my hands, and a slight vibration in my solar plexus. I saw a few greens and reds, but I could never be quite sure that I wasn’t imagining them, or willing them into being. But each time I reported a colour or a sensation, Iannis would respond with an encouraging, ‘Yes, very good.’

The treatment ended with the painful massaging of three pressure points, two on my left foot, and one near my heart. Then he asked me to stand up and walk around the apartment. I did feel a lot better, though the pain from my back had not gone completely.

I asked Iannis how he had performed the initial diagnosis. He said that it was by knowing himself very well, and then by sensing the energy  of another person through various sense modalities, including sound and smell. He said that it was not so much a gift as the result of single-minded dedication over a lifetime. He reiterated that what is absolutely fundamental is self-knowledge; only on that basis can one come to know others. That is rather what I think about psychotherapy.

I paid 70 Euros and left his apartment. It was still raining outside, so I decided to wait it out and treat myself to a coffee. As I sat in the café, the ache in my lower back returned, as persistent as it had ever been.

                                   *

 Some months later, I felt I needed to escape the summer heat of Athens. I got on my motorbike for a weekend trip to visit some of the Mycenaean sites in the Peloponnese. The Mycenaean culture was dominant from about 1600 - 1100 BC; it consisted of a number of small independent kingdoms – Mycenae, Sparta, Argos, Pylos, Tiryns, Midea, Thebes, Athens and a few others. This was the period subsequently made famous by Homer in the Iliad and the Odyssey. It is the factual basis for the myths and legends that he committed to paper between 500 and 1000 years later, and also the period that saw the birth of the first attested form of written Greek (called ‘Linear B’), which predated the Greek alphabet by several centuries.

                 I crossed the Corinth canal and then followed the small country roads down to ancient Epidauros. This was once a sanctuary of Asclepius - a site of pilgimage and the most famous healing centre in the ancient world. It comprised the temple of Asclepius, a hospital, a 160 room guesthouse, a bathing complex, a 14,000 seat theatre with near-perfect acoustics, and a sports stadium used for quadrennial games.

               The 14,000 seat theatre at Epidauros.

There were few other visitors that afternoon and it felt like a magical place. The pine trees appeared to pulsate with health. Beside the Temple of Asclepius are the remains of the rectangular Abaton; patients used to sleep in this building in expectation of a visitation, in their dreams, from Asclepius the healing God, commonly believed to take the form of a serpent. The God would advise them what they had to do to regain their health.

Beside the Abaton was the circular Tholos, the foundation walls of which formed a labyrinth that was used as a snake pit, full of harmless snakes. The pit may have served as a primitive form of shock therapy for the mentally ill. The afflicted would have crawled in darkness through the maze-like structure, guided by a crack of light towards the middle, where they would find themselves surrounded by writhing reptiles. One would need a very strong constitution not to find that shocking.

In the museum there was a sculpture of Asclepius holding a staff with a snake wrapped around it. This is the famous ‘Rod of Asclepius’ –  the symbol of medicine and healing arts that is still used around the world today (it should not be confused with the caduceus, the staff of Hermes, which has two entwining snakes and is more properly associated with commerce). Asclepius is also often depicted with a dog by his side, and some healing temples used sacred dogs to lick the wounds of sick petitioners.

               Asclepius and his snake-entwined rod.

Wandering around this peaceful temple complex, I wondered about the role of snakes in healing. It is a major theme in Amazonian shamanism. Snakes are probably the most common motif in Ayahuasca visions, and they play a significant role in the cosmologies and mythologies of many indigenous cultures. And indeed in our Western mythology too, going back to the serpent in the garden of Eden. Why are snakes so significant, and why are they associated with medicine and healing across cultures? I would like to know (there is an interesting theory in Jeremy Narby’s Cosmic Serpent, to do with the double helix of DNA, though it would seem to apply more accurately to two entwined snakes, rather than just one).

There was an area of shade at the back of the rectangular Abaton. Hanging on the wall was a photo of a relief sculpture from another Asclepian sanctuary (at Piraeus), depicting the kind of healing that may have gone on in this building. A patient was lying on a couch, and a healer, or perhaps Asclepius himself, seemed to be performing some kind of energy manipulation above him. It could have been me on Iannis’ couch.

     Relief sculpture from the sanctuary of Asclepius at Piraeus

                              *

 From Epidauros I drove to Nafplio. For 13 years, this small seaside town was the first capital of modern Greece, from the start of the Greek War of Independence in 1821 until 1834. At that time, as photos attest, Athens consisted of little more than ruins surrounded by a few farmhouses.

I spent the night in Nafplio, then visited the site of ancient Argos the following morning. It is on the outskirts of town, rather hard to find. Entry is free and the theatre is impressive, but  less so than Epidauros. Then I pushed on to Sparta, down to Kalamata, and finally up into the foothills of Arcadia.

In the early evening I passed through modern Megalopolis; it is a nowhere sort of place – an empty main street, a series of traffic lights, and strong winds - but  in ancient times there was a huge city here. From the road a few miles outside the modern town, I saw three Ionic columns standing unremarked in the tall grass of a tawny field, and behind them a flock of sheep and their shepherd. Who placed them there, and why? What were they once a part of? Which God was worshipped there?

I spent that night in the hillside village of Karitena. The night was blissfully cool after the sultry nights in Athens. The following morning I had to wait for the mist to clear, then I followed small, winding roads into the forested hills of Arcadia. I crossed the river Alpheus on an small stone bridge – Alpheus was probably the basis of Alph, the ‘sacred river’ that Coleridge glimpsed in his opium-inspired reverie, and whose ready-formed verses he subsequently committed to paper as the poem Kubla Khan.

I thought of the resonance of Arcadia, the traditional precinct of the nature god Pan. For later Roman poets, Arcadia was linked to the Golden Age - a time of innocence and primordial bliss, before the rot set in. Virgil claims Arcadia as his own in the climax to his Eclogues.

Arcadia came to be known as ‘Arkady’ in English, though Evelyn Waugh reverted to ‘Arcadia’ for the title of Book One of Brideshead Revisited: ‘Et in Arcadia Ego’. This is a memento mori in which Death is warning us that he will find us even in Paradise – the skull is forever grinning in at the banquet. But, one has to wonder, is that not what gives the meal its relish?

My GPS ceased to function on these tiny roads, and I was soon lost and had to retrace my route. But it was a beautiful drive and I felt profoundly grateful to live in Greece.

[ninety-three-million-miles]

“Human cruelty can be infinite. Human generosity can be boundless.”

Original Post: 

It’s been seven hours since my first class ended and I still feel just physically wrong.

From under the “Core Values” header for the department that hosts my counseling grad program:

“Multiculturalism and Social Justice: We believe in developing leaders, educators, counselors, and therapists who will advocate for equity and inclusion in the professional settings in which they serve. We believe in challenging all forms of discrimination, including race, class, gender, disability, sexual orientation, religion, in our local, national, and global community and in working as change agents to undermine oppression.“

I feel so naïve. I believed that with no hesitation.

Today, Counseling Theories class: fifteen students. We’re discussing our values as individuals, and how it is ethically critical that as counselors, we do not attempt to impart our values on our clients. Our professor asks us to partner off and take a look at the following slide, showing possible types of people we could easily encounter throughout our careers, and discuss where our ability to be neutral reaches its limits.

Some items are repeated on the slide, but here’s what it lists:

adolescent girl who wants to explore her feelings about whether to have an abortion

gay or lesbian couple who want to explore their relationship problems and/or who want to discuss their desire to adopt a child

person who is troubled over an extramarital affair but is not ready to give up the relationship

person who has a great deal of hostility towards any form of religion

person who has extremely strong fundamentalist beliefs

person whose basic value system includes the attempt to use and exploit others for [their] own personal gain

a friend who wants you to “fix” their troubled marriage or relationship with [their] child

white supremacist who opposes any “mixing” of ethnic groups

a drug dealer who is court-ordered to therapy

teenager who is having unsafe sex with several partners and sees no problem with his behavior

middle school student who wants to explore her sexual orientation

someone who has told you he has put a person in the hospital from a violent assault and is not remorseful

interracial couple wanting to adopt a child and being faced with their respective parents’ opposition to adoption

person who angrily opposes the policies of the US government

parent who wants to discuss the importance of “capital punishment” for [their] child

court-ordered convicted pedophile

other???

The person I partner with looks at that list, and one of the two groups where they said they saw an insurmountable conflict with their values was.. the LGBT couple. And when the class was sharing their different challenge areas, another student said the same thing. When she did, four additional students nodded along emphatically. Both my partner and the student who spoke up in front of the class specified that they wouldn’t be comfortable meeting with these hypothetical people because they are morally opposed to non-heterosexuality, and because being around LGBT people makes them “very uncomfortable.”

They looked at a list that included a pedophile, a sociopath, a white supremacist, and a child abuser, and they drew the line at two women who were in love.

In response, the professor was just super understanding of that and did absolutely nothing beyond unreservedly validating those students’ qualms.

On the first day of this class, this professor also mentioned that we have these online forum/discussion assignments with our other students. and she was telling an anecdote of how things got really nasty with a former class. Evidently, one female student was talking about her personal experience with a topic and she said “my wife” in passing. And another student commented on her post saying that she disagreed with the first student’s ~lifestyle choices~ etc.

The professor’s commentary on that situation was that she didn’t know who was more in the wrong. She wasn’t sure if it was inappropriate for the female student to mention her wife because it made another student “uncomfortable”— a student who then proceeded to attack her in a public forum, derailing the conversation about counseling theory that was supposed to be taking place. And the professor thought that both students shared equal responsibility for how the interaction soured.

This one class session has changed my whole feeling about the course, if not the entire program — because I’m evidently back in a place where who i am as a person is a polarizing political statement. I thought I left that behind for the most part when I left Texas, when I chose a school whose program specifically identifies addressing and eradicating discrimination and oppression as part of its core values.

All of this on the heels of a weekend spent in Texas, where my first night was supposed to be a relaxing casual get-together of my brother’s friends and whatnot. And the topic turned to how multiple people at the table believed non-heterosexuality was a sin. And to one of my brother’s friends bragging — bragging — that his pastor was one of the people who signed the fucking Nashville statement. And my brother, who knows everything, who used to support me before changing his mind and deciding that being bisexual was a sin, of course said nothing. Did nothing. I shut the fuck down.

The entire duration of that three-hour class, I was shaking. I could feel my heart hammering for hours. It was all I could do to keep from crying in front of everyone. I just feel so fucking stupid. I really thought that by moving away from Texas, by moving out of my parents’ place, that I was putting the majority of this behind me. I assumed that this program was a safe space because that’s how it advertised itself. I assumed that being a remorselessly malicious person, an abuser, or someone full of ignorance and hatred would be seen as more difficult than being someone like me.

I am reminded that I still have no sense of community. I don’t even have most of my friends right now. I have no therapist. And the only LGBT person I have ever really been close to is my ex-girlfriend, who is happily in a relationship on the other side of the country. My boyfriend is as supportive of possible, and I appreciate him so much for that, but right now that feels like a pebble in an ocean when I need an island.

I feel tired and alone and unlovable. And it’s week three of classes.

Message from a total stranger (nightowllucas):

I'm so sorry you had a horrible couple of days, and I'm even more sorry to say that you'll probably have to get through other situations like this in the future, though probably not as much as in Texas (considering what I've heard of it, since I'm not even american). I'm nowhere near an expert in this, but I really believe you should look for LGBT friendly spaces and get to know people in the community, I'm not sure if you are able to due to social anxiety or maybe other problems, but the sense of community you'll get from them really helps in a situation like this, even if they're just someone you could vent to that will understand where you're coming from. Some gays/lesbians might be prejudiced because you are in a straight relationship, I've heard too many stories about this to disregard it as a possible issue, but I believe (I have to) that you will find people who you can bond with.

Other than that, is there a way to make a formal complaint at your school regarding what happened? I mean, this situation/professor is going against against their core values, so maybe something will come out of it? As a gay man, I'm way too disbelieving in the world, but it doesn't hurt to try, specially if you can do it anonymously. If nothing can be done I'd say you have to look after yourself and consider if you can continue studying there of it is gonna bring you problems (i.e mental health)

If you need to, feel free to reach out to me in the future, even if it's just to talk things out. Here's hoping you'll be able to get through this, follow the career you want and help as many people as possible as a councelor. 

My response: 

Holy shit. Thank you so much. This is so unbelievably kind. I’m honestly floored.. I can’t believe you took the time to type all of this out for a total stranger.

I emailed my professor at like 5 this morning because I hadn’t fallen asleep yet asking if we could meet (she has no office hours) and she hasn’t yet responded. I don’t expect that meeting to be particularly productive, but I feel like before I can go to a higher level (administration for my program, something of the like), I ought to try and resolve this directly first. I’m just still kind of reeling. And I was agonizing for hours over whether or not it was even appropriate for me to set up a meeting to express my concerns and clarify my expectations for conduct. Which then prompted me to get pissed off that I was debating whether or not I had the right to advocate for myself (during a lecture that was, no shit, supposed to be largely about advocacy), while the people who said those things during class didn’t think for a single second about whether or not they should consider what impact their remarks might have on other students.  

You’re definitely right about having a sense of community. I’ve always been too afraid to seek it out very directly for a few reasons (one of which is being bi, especially currently being in a relationship with a man), but I’m recognizing that I’m really going to need something like that. So I looked up my school’s LGBTQ center and they’re having a discussion group tonight. They said on the website to call the wellness center for the location, so I did. The first time I called I got hung up on... and the second time I called I was transferred to a second person who also didn't have the information... she said she would pass on my contact info to the woman running the meeting if she saw her and that she would "hopefully be able to get back to me within a day.” I even specified that it was somewhat urgent. I’ve heard nothing so far and the group is supposedly in a few hours.

Sometimes I wish I were more stereotypically/”visibly” LGBT or something. People constantly talk very openly about “people like me” to my face without realizing that they’re doing it. I know I’ll have to face people with intolerant views when working with clients, but I’d been led at every possible juncture to believe that attitudes like the ones expressed in class yesterday were not welcome among colleagues in this program. I can even understand allowing a space for students to discuss those issues without being punished for it, but I feel like it’s the faculty’s job to then invite the student to challenge their prejudices as opposed to unequivocally validating them. I can’t imagine that my professor would have responded the same way if a student had said they were unwilling to work with people of color due to a belief that they were inherently inferior/morally depraved or some such bullshit. I don’t understand why it’s okay to express those views about people like you or me. But standing up for myself in most contexts, especially in a formal one like this, is almost completely new for me (and it has NOT ended well the few times I’ve tried in the past). But I’m not okay with being quiet on this. I’m just not.

Anyway. Honestly, thank you so much. Even having one person reach out like this who has some sense of understanding (and, it sounds like, well-learned jadedness) and such remarkable compassion. 

As an aside: I'm finding that starting this counseling program has been a really good motivator for me to find effective coping strategies and productive behaviors. Like even though I feel personally incredibly overwhelmed and discouraged and a desire to isolate or be otherwise destructive, I have a harder time letting myself give into that because it goes against all of my values as an aspiring counselor, and because I can't expect my future clients to have the courage to do the tough shit if I can't even find it in myself. So that at least is a good thing.

[fantaisie-pastorale]

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Climbing Mountains

First a bit of housekeeping, for reasons I hope to explain in this post, I have been remiss in posting to this site. I did not abandon this project nor am I having second thoughts. It is simply a matter of insuring that I post only the most honest and accurate content. Please accept my apologies for the delay and know that it is my intention to continue with this project even though from time to time I may be inconsistent with my posts. I initially started this with the intention of just posting what was on my mind at the particular time I sat down to write. I didn’t have any goals or direction. I was simply throwing all my ideas out there hoping that at some point they will coalesce into some sort of theme. This kind of aimless wandering can make the site sway too far into current events and personal experiences. To some degree that can be useful, however it is difficult to remain consistent that way. I now have a direction I would like to go and while sometimes it may not appear this way, there is method to my madness.

To begin this post, let’s take stock of where I am. As I write this I am a 46 year old white male living in the United States of America. I am married with two kids and have had a stable job at the same company for almost 13 years. My life is stable for the most part. Excluding the occasional rough patch (which I will be describing further later) I live a very happy and peaceful life. Physically I am falling apart. My left knee is in very bad shape. It gets pretty painful and has a tendency to lock up on me. As I shift my weight off of it I have found that I am having trouble with my right knee now too. My left hip and ankle can get pretty painful as well as my lower back. I’ve spent the majority of my life abusing my body not expecting to ever make it to this age. My x-ray roadmap of broken bones stands as a reminder to all the dumb ideas that seemed pretty cool at the time. The biggest issue that plagued me then, and continues even today, is the fact that I have no understanding of limitations. In my past I would see something I thought was cool and I’d just do it. I’d watch the Boston Marathon and decide to run the very next marathon I could find without training or preparation. That’s what has created the physical conditions I find myself in today.

The title of this post is “Climbing Mountains”. That means I should quit whining and just get on with the mountains right?

I have always wanted to climb the Himalayan Mountains. I have absolutely no qualifications for it and my climbing skills are limited to cliffs, caves, and the small amount of rocky hills we have in Texas. My dream of climbing the mountains there came from a belief that was the ultimate test. At some point when I was young, it was impressed upon me that climbing the Himalayan Mountains (in particular Everest) is the ultimate test of a person. I wanted to die knowing I conquered that one test. As recent as the past year I told my wife that my one dream trip would be to Tibet. I have no delusion that I could ever climb those mountains now, but just to stand in the midst of them would be a truly amazing thing.

So I never climbed Everest but I saw a movie about it once. This makes me qualified to tell you all about what it takes to climb the mountain right? Just understand I have no idea what I am talking about from the technical climbing aspect ok? My broken body is testimony to the fact that if it were up to me I would just show up in Tibet, pay my money, and start climbing. What surprised me watching the movie I referenced is how long it takes to actually get up that mountain. It can take years of planning and training just to get to the base of the mountain. Then you face weather conditions and other climbing parties. Along the way you have to stop and wait for a while so that your body can adjust to the different oxygen levels. I’ve decided it’s a good thing that I didn’t have enough money when I was young or else I would’ve died before I was 30.

Of course I am using mountain climbing as an analogy for my post. I am sure it has been done before but please bear with me here because my rambling hopefully will set the tone for where the site is going and at the very least explain my absence for the past week.

Mental health isn’t just something that people with a mental illness need to pay attention to. I strongly believe we are all just one bad event away from a breakdown. We never know what life is going to throw at us so understanding who we are and why we think the way we do is just good planning so that we are able to cope when something out of our control hits us. With that said, I have gone into my management of mental health through issues stemming from a mental illness. From initial diagnosis to today (almost 10 years now) I have actively focused on learning all I can about how and why I think the way that I do.

This is where the mountain climbing analogy comes in. I described the physical damage from my tendency to jump right in without any training or understanding. The same thing happens to a lot of people when they work on their mental health. It’s like that first step in climbing Everest. You make the decision to climb the mountain and you run around excited telling everyone about your great idea. You envision yourself on the top of the mountain conquering the greatest challenge. You may buy some books or maps and you may do some research on the web but really you haven’t done the hard work. A lot of people start working on mental health and think they are done at this step. They conquered the mountain in their heads and they feel really good about themselves. One day they wake up and realize it was all just a show. They didn’t really do any of the work so they find themselves still suffering from the same fears and anxieties.

The next step in climbing Everest is still done at home. You buy more books and maybe even some gear. You start exercising more. You begin specific training programs to prepare you for the mountain you are about to conquer. In mental health this is another step where people get hung up and even think they are done. They buy self-help books or maybe go to a therapy session or two. There’s no real understanding of what mental health looks like, just like how at this stage the mountain climber hasn’t even seen the mountain. Once again your mind can be tricked into believing you have reached the goal. A lot of people will take the view that they have figured it out and everyone else is wrong. A lot of people will stop here but those same behaviors are still happening, so those same fears and anxieties will show up.

At the next step the mountain climber has landed in Tibet and has made it to the village in the foothills of the Himalayas. The view is spectacular and overwhelming. Everyone is looking at the crazy tourist wondering why on Earth they would want to climb that mountain. Other climbers pass by beaten and battered. For all its majesty, this is one of the most difficult stages. The climber is finally facing the mountain they want to climb and can see the true enormity of what they are about to do. This is a dangerous place in mental health. The person can now understand how much this is going to change their lives. It’s a scary thing to realize. In seeing the task before them they can also see the path behind them. For many that path is dark and painful. On the outside the person may seem to be doing so much better and that’s because they understand what it’s going to take but on the inside that person is struggling.

I use the phrase “first we set up basecamp” often. This is the first step in the actual climbing of Everest. The climbers set up camp at the base of the mountain and get acclimated to the oxygen level, cold, and routes they will be taking as they wait their turn to begin their climb. In a sense this is the calm before the storm. As a progress step in mental health this would be the point where the decision has been made to get serious. This isn’t something to be taken lightly because the rest of the path is rough and painful. Confronted with the reality of how hard the path forward will be and of the painful things that will have to be faced many people will turn back. They think their mental health is “good enough”. At this stage it might be manageable but there are still moments of doubt and fear. Anxieties will still come now and then.

At the point where the climber begins their ascent they will look at the team and see that there are less people in the team. They begin their path up on a slight incline and very rocky path. This is the point where the real work begins in mental health. It’s like peeling back the layers of an onion to see what’s inside. Here you are peeling back the outer layer and beginning to understand triggers or emotions that are causing certain behaviors. You begin to realize how these can manifest as moods or anxieties. You start digging deeper to understand root cause of those emotions which may include confronting painful memories or events. People will start dropping out of your life because they don’t like being around the person you are becoming or because of the difficulties you are having confronting all of the things.

I can go on and on but suffice it to say the pattern of basecamp then climb is repeated. Each time the terrain gets difficult. Each basecamp is time of relative peace where you may be too tired to continue. Understanding that each step is more difficult makes it hard to carry forward. The time spent in basecamp gets longer and longer because it takes more time to get acclimated to the environment. More people leave because they don’t want to continue the climb. With mental health you are discovering that the journey is one of self-discovery so the further you go, the less people you have who can relate to you. You may have friends but people who understand your journey are getting rarer and rarer. Each time you hit a place of understanding it is peaceful and things in life are going better. You may want to stop but the risk exists that those fears and anxieties may come back. You can also see that you have a lot more to learn so it becomes something you press forward on because you want to see it through.

I suppose there comes a time when you cross the top of Everest or in our mental health journey you hit the point where you fully understand your mental state. In my studies this is often referred to as Enlightenment or Nirvana. I can tell you I have a long way to go. I have passed all the fear for the journey and though sometimes it can be painful it is mostly peaceful. I continue because I know there is more.

So we return back to the reason for my delay in posting. For quite a while I have been sitting in basecamp. At a plateau in my mental health progression I just kept practicing the things I have learned and things were going good. Then I learned something new about myself which opened up a whole new path for me to explore. This affects my mood and my focus. It may open up the opportunities for latent emotions to be expressed but despite the destructive sound of it, moments like these are truly wonderful.  Each chance we have to learn is one where we can grow and improve ourselves. It’s going to take a bit for me to get through this because there’s a lot I am working on but it’s all great. I was caught off guard because I certainly didn’t expect to come across this additional avenue for thinking but now that I have, I am not upset by it but instead excited.

I was quiet because I am on a path of self-discovery which sometimes means I have to take the time to actually do some exploring.

I think I am going to chronicle the different stages in my personal climb up Everest. I’m still climbing but there’s a lot I’ve seen and experienced along the way. I think that’s going to be the direction of the site. At least it will be for now.  I do tend to get dist……. Squirrel!

 Mik