#like i literally had the worst depressive episode ever last fall and yet i was the happiest ive ever been in my life

[duck-era-lexi]

my twt thread about how discord was actually ruining my life and i never rly realized

[razorsadness]

“I think friends can literally save your life,” Dolly told Ladies’ Home Journal, and I agree. In his book Nothing Personal, James Baldwin writes, “I have always felt that a human being could only be saved by another human being. I am aware that we do not save each other very often. But I am also aware that we save each other some of the time.” That saving doesn’t have to be sexual. There’s a particular sadness in thinking—as wonderful as sex is—that it’s the only kind of love that can save us. During the worst of the many wounds of 2018, if I hadn’t had my friends messaging me throughout the day and night, I would have folded. I can assure you I never fucked any of them, but the intensity of my love is not less than if I had. “You can’t make old friends,” Dolly and Kenny Rogers sang to each other in their 2013 duet. In so many ways I think of my friend Jess as a life partner, and she is just about the straightest woman I’ve ever met. Maybe sex is easier for people to understand than love. It’s more straightforward. Love is complicated and easy prey for nostalgia, which itself is not nearly as simple as it seems.

These days we think of nostalgia as a harmless walk down memory lane, but the term was actually coined in the eighteenth century to describe a unique kind of depression experienced by sailors away from home. It was seen as an actual ailment, and that seems correct. Think of the whole “Make America Great Again” thing...; think of people’s yearning for things to be as they were, when life was “simple.” A lot of forgetting is involved in this. In an episode of her 1970s talk show, Dolly visits noted monster, and former president, Andrew Jackson’s house wearing an antebellum dress and holding a parasol. She sings—and one can’t cringe enough—that de facto Confederate anthem “Dixie.” Later in the same show, she has musician Freddy Fender on to talk about Chicano music, and they sing “Before the Next Teardrop Falls” in Spanish. I wonder how much she stopped to think about any of that, because it’s not like she’s not a thinker.

Dolly herself, in her 1969 song “In the Good Old Days (When Times Were Bad),” ultimately rejects the notion of the past as preferable, although her songs are very often steeped in nostalgia, whether rosy or wistful. Still, the song states that you couldn’t pay her enough to go back and live like she did in her youth. This is pretty unequivocal! Yet when my grandmother lost most of her memories, what she retained were mostly those from her foundational years into young adulthood. Maybe we’re hardwired for nostalgia. I’ll admit that the last time I was in Los Angeles, riding down Fairfax or La Brea or La Cienega and seeing the dingbat apartment buildings with their tiny windows, my throat choked up, not because I miss being inside of them but because my body felt so far from it and yet those sights and sounds and all of it are actually inside of my body, somewhere, waiting to be reactivated.

“Is nostalgia even an emotion?” poet Becca Klaver wonders in a 2017 essay about the subject. “Maybe it’s a drive, like hunger or lust. It’s in the body.” She notes that “the past seems so easy to lose.” Remembering, then, is urgent work.

—Lynn Melnick, from “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind” (I’ve Had to Think Up a Way to Survive: On Trauma, Persistence, and Dolly Parton, University of Texas Press, 2022)

[olivia-anderson-fanfic]

I am looking forward to reading the continuation of the alternative ending of satisfied! Can’t wait! 😜

Happy Easter lmao here’s your monthly dose of depression ig

Though this one is slightly more lighthearted than usual

first part

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@solangelo252

The life of a captive of Bruce Wayne was surprisingly posh.

Maybe her standards were just really low because the last place she’d been held had been a lab where fear gas was tested on her almost daily(? her concept of time was fuzzy)... or maybe the Waynes just knew how to treat a kidnapee. Who knew.

But, hey, she’d been given a phone!

It was hacked, of course. Anything on the internet that even vaguely mentioned Bruce Wayne, the bats, or the Rogues was impossible to access. This had been a little annoying, but not necessarily unexpected. She was more surprised that they were giving her a phone at all.

She sat on the end of the bed, legs swinging like a toddler’s as she looked through twitter.

Gotham twitter just wasn’t the same, though. Where were the people joking about how they’d been praying for a Scarecrow attack so they wouldn’t have to take their finals? The underpaid cafe workers talking about how Batman had come in at 5am for coffee to get through the last leg of patrols and they had to turn him down because they weren’t open yet? Even the usual jokes about the Next Wayne(TM) were hidden from her! No, the internet almost seemed empty.

This left her with very few things to do. It wasn’t like she could request people to talk to her -- not that she’d wanted to, she didn’t want to bother them -- so… she was pretty much always working out or sleeping.

Working out was nice. She hadn’t been allowed to do it much while with Harley and it felt weird to be so out of shape. Who knew it could happen so fast? Certainly not her, and she was going to rectify her newfound lack of athletic ability. Dick even came by daily to help, so she was quickly getting back into the swing of things.

But as for sleeping...

Kwami, she missed caffeine.

Her subconscious was apparently determined to torture her.

(She supposed someone had to do it, since Joker hadn’t followed through on his intentions.)

Most dreams were haunted with memories of the stupid fear gas-induced hallucinations. The bats, now accompanied by Harley, would tell her exactly how much of a screw up she was. They’d give her disgusted looks and admit that they regretted ever talking to her or taking her in. And then they’d leave her, alone, surrounded by the corpses of she hadn’t been able to help.

She’d wake up crying and alone. She’d put on a random podcast and then wrap herself up in her blankets to try and trick her mind into thinking someone was with her.

And, when it wasn’t that dream, she found herself drowning in acid again. For such a short part of a series of unfortunate events, it sure did have an effect on her. She’d scream as the acid touched her skin, burned her lungs, tried to seep into her ear canals… and then she’d get pulled out to look at Joker’s smug face and she’d almost want to be pushed back under because she hated to see him looking so satisfied.

Those ones hurt. She’d wake up, her throat screamed raw, her lungs aching. Even hours later, she’d find herself running her hands over every bit of exposed skin to try and get rid of the feeling of the acid gnawing away at her.

The worst dreams, though, were the ones where she’d be visited by Bruce. Everything would go to plan. She’d stab him in the jugular and then pull the pen out, watching as blood spurted from the wound. He’d fall to the ground at her feet, unable to speak above the blood gurgling in his throat, and she’d just watch him. He didn’t even look betrayed, he just looked… he looked like he accepted it, like he accepted her and what she’d done and that he still cared for her after all that she’d done.

And then she’d wake up, but she never really felt awake when those dreams came. She felt like she was still half asleep, her body more limp than Bruce’s had been at the end of her dream, and any emotion she should have seemed impossible.

She hated the numb. At least she could do something with the screaming and the crying, at least she could bring herself down from those. How do you bring yourself down when you aren’t up in the first place?

But, maybe it was a good thing she was numb. It boded well for her. At least she wouldn’t be hurting if -- WHEN -- she managed to do it for real.

~

She turned off her phone, disappointed as always by how little content interested her, and almost cringed when she caught her appearance in the black screen.

Her skin was bleached from her time in the chemicals. The blood vessels under her eyes had burst when she’d been forced to go without coffee for too long. One of her cheeks were sucked in seemingly permanently from how often she’d been biting it. Her lips were stained cherry-red and stretched thinner than she remembered. Where her ears should have been were large holes in the sides of her head...

But nevermind that! The door slid open with a metallic hiss.

She didn’t know why she’d hoped it would be Bruce, she’d known perfectly well that that wouldn’t be happening for quite some time -- if ever -- but there she was, hoping it would be him. That this would end quickly.

Nope.

She looked up at Cass and Duke and her heart twinged painfully when she saw them.

She had missed them. So much.

(She’d almost been disappointed when she’d found out that they wouldn’t be home when she was going to try and kill Bruce, but then again she wanted them to continue liking her so maybe it was for the best she didn’t attempt to kill their father right in front of them...)

It was nice to see them again. Honestly, she’d missed them more than anyone else. They were her favorites.

(She couldn’t bring herself to feel bad about that. They were pretty much everyone’s favorites.)

She practically threw herself into Duke’s arms. He laughed and, though he struggled a little, he managed to catch her. She buried her face in his chest.

“Wow. I see how it is,” Cass said, but Marinette could hear the smile in her voice so she didn’t bother pulling away. Instead, she reached an arm in the direction of her voice and, once she’d managed to catch the sleeve of her shirt, dragged her into the hug.

The three Diversity Adoptees stayed like that for a long time.

And then she pulled back. “You guys better not have gone ahead in the show without me.”

Duke’s face twitched into a frown momentarily before he smiled again, ruffling her hair. “We didn’t. Scout’s honor.”

“You were a scout?”

He snorted. “God no.”

“Then --?”

“Shhhhhh,” he said, using the hand already in her hair to pull her into a noogie.

“Fuck offfffff,” she whined, trying to peel his knuckles away from her scalp.

Cass pulled her away from Duke. Strong arms wrapped her in a new hug and she blinked before returning it.

“Little sister. Leave her alone,” said Cass.

Marinette shot him a nasty grin from between her arms and Duke sputtered. “But I --.”

“Little sister,” she said again, like that explained anything. Maybe it did. Marinette didn’t particularly care because Cass was smoothing out her hair and it really did feel much better than the noogie she’d been getting…

She closed her eyes and leaned into her, relaxing.

Or, at least, she’d tried to relax. Until Duke sighed dramatically and said “Oh well, I guess I have five months of episodes to go through alone…”

“Wait --!”

~

She barely managed to lift her head up when she heard the door slide open, and then she bolted upright when she saw who it was.

Jason.

Her hand slid into her pocket, to the pen resting there, and she slowly pulled off the cap.

No. She couldn’t do that. If she tried to kill him then her pen would be confiscated and she couldn’t even imagine being able to kill Bruce with her bare hands.

(Granted, she didn’t really think she had a good chance of killing him with a pen -- it was a PEN -- but it the chances were more than 0% so it was overall way better than just trying to choke him out or something.)

She closed the pen and settled for glaring at him.

This fucker was the reason that she was there in the first place, and he hadn’t even given her an honorable battle that would have felt satisfying, what a --!

He held out a cup of coffee as a peace offering.

What an amazing person. Literally an angel. She loved him. Her favorite member of the batfamily.

If she’d had any less pride, she would have ran to get the coffee. As it was, she still speedwalked to take it off his hands.

The moment the drink touched her tongue, tension she hadn’t even noticed seemed to dissipate. The calm was quickly taken over by desperation, though. She had to fight herself not to chug it down.

(She also had to fight a wave of nausea, her body was not at all used to taking in any food or drinks anymore, but damn it she was going to get this coffee down if it killed her... again.)

Even with her super amazing self-restraint, the drink was gone within seconds. She swirled the remaining dregs, considering the pros and cons of trying to drink it because she remembered someone telling her that the last sip of drinks are always backwash…

But it was backwash that might have had caffeine in it, so she drank it.

She smiled brightly at him. Kwami, she’d missed caffeine so much. The only person who had given her coffee was Riddler the few times he had come to visit. Apparently Harley didn’t approve of it, though, because he had only brought her coffee three times before he’d suddenly stopped appearing.

… she hoped Riddler was still alive. She’d liked Riddler.

But she knew that asking about any of the Rogues would make the bats think that she wasn’t ‘healing’ up properly. So, instead of asking about him, she said “You know, B is gonna kill you for giving me coffee. I just got unaddicted.”

Jason groaned. “Great. Thanks for telling me AFTER you drank it all.”

“Of course. I wasn’t going to let you take it away from me,” she chirped.

He rolled his eyes. “Rude. Fine, I guess you won’t be addicted since it was only one cup. Can’t get in much trouble if I don’t give you more.”

Her eyes widened. “Wait --.”

“Yeah. I’d really prefer if the bats weren’t annoyed at me, so I guess that’s all you’re going to be getting.”

“Jay, wait, I didn’t mean it --.”

“Oh well,” he sighed. He brought a hand to his forehead like he was feeling faint. “If only I had an amazing little sister who would give me a hug --.”

She was wrapped around him before he’d even finished his sentence. Sure, it was blatant manipulation, but there was no way in hell that she was losing her one chance at caffeine.

(Besides, it was a hug. Hugs were nice.)

She’d spent the rest of the day with him, exchanging jokes about death.

The others didn’t really like them. Even Dick, who always liked a good pun, would only get sad when she joked about how she wasn’t alive anymore.

Jason, though… Jason understood.

And his death had been years ago. So he had a lot more jokes than she did.

“Ohohoh one time someone tried to flirt with me by saying they were a necrophiliac and I said ‘deadass?’ and…” He snickered. “And they said ‘yeah, exactly’.”

She brought a hand to her mouth, trying to hide her smile. “Oh my kwami, really?”

“I’m dead serious.”

She rolled her eyes. “I mean, I’d say they were going to hell, but they’d probably like it there.”

He laughed a little, shaking his head.

“It’s nice having someone to make jokes with. Damian doesn’t like joking about it.”

“I know. He’s always all…” He screwed up his face and raised his voice to a whine “‘It is not a joking matter, Todd’.”

She gasped. “It’s almost like he’s here with us.”

“Uncanny, right?”

She closed her eyes, allowing herself to relax.

“... I missed you. We all did,” he said quietly.

She didn’t know what to say to that. Not really. She ended up just giving a tiny laugh and shrugging her shoulders.

His phone beeped in his pocket and she heard him shift to check it. He groaned. “Sorry, kid, I’ve got patrols.”

She nodded slightly and fell back on the bed with a yawn. “You’re coming back tomorrow, right?”

There was a beat.

She cracked her eyes open to see him considering the idea.

“Please?” She tried.

Another beat.

He broke into a grin. “You just want more coffee.”

“Guilty as charged,” she said, not even a little sheepish. “But I don’t mind the fact that you’re coming either.”

“I feel so loved.”

“You are,” she said, with a little pout thrown in for good measure.

He ended up agreeing to bring her coffee daily. She smirked after him. He wasn’t the only one that could manipulate people for things he wants.

Her smirk dropped the moment her hand slipped into her pockets and she realized he’d taken the pen from her when she’d given him a hug.

Bastard.

~

Her eyes flicked past her visitor briefly and she was met with a nondescript, white wall. She was pretty sure that this wasn’t Wayne manor, with it’s dark reds and browns, but she was almost willing to ignore that logic so she could believe that it was. At least if it was Wayne manor she might have been able to guess her coordinates by making portals appear in rooms at random until she found it. But if she was just… in a place then how was she supposed to ever get out?

She didn’t let this show on her face, because of all of them Dick was the most emotionally intelligent and would definitely notice. Instead, she beamed at him.

“Ready for our workout session?”

It was kinda weird, because it was so much like their old routine. They would stretch and talk and practice new moves… but it didn’t feel at all the same. Before everything had happened they had talked about meaningful things; list off their emotions and talk shit about the other bats (they loved them, sure, but they were a handful).

Now, though, neither of them were actually talking much. There was very little going on in her life, so she didn’t know what to say and he… he seemed to think she was weak or something, like she couldn’t take it. One time he’d almost slipped up and told her about how Tim was worrying him because he was getting borderline obsessive and then, when she’d politely pressed for more, he’d clammed up and told her that she didn’t need to worry about that.

She kind of didn’t like the sessions with Dick. They felt wrong.

But she really missed him and his octopus hugs that she could melt into. So she never told him and they kept doing them.

“Jason gave you coffee,” said Dick instead of greeting her.

“... I managed to do a triple backflip!”

He raised his eyebrows at her and she chose to interpret this as him being disbelieving of her ability to do a triple backflip from the ground (which was fair, she’d taken ages to manage it even once and she had nothing but free time) and not him noticing her feeble attempt at changing the subject.

“I did! Look!”

She tried and landed flat on her face. She could hear his strained breathing as he tried his hardest not to laugh. She wished the floor would just swallow her whole.

At least he wasn’t concerned about the coffee thing anymore?

He took a seat in front of her and she slowly raised her head to look at him despite the fact that she very much wanted to burrow into the floor and never emerge ever again.

“We have footage of it, so I’ve seen it, don’t worry. Tim was pretty proud of you so he showed everyone… and I’m proud of you, too, obviously. That took me years.”

She smiled brightly. Tim was apparently proud of her. She didn’t see much of him, so it was kind of nice to know that he was watching over her... even if it was a little creepy that there were people watching her pretty much every moment of every day to make sure she didn’t escape or kill herself.

“Seriously, though, I’m not letting Jason back if he keeps bringing you coffee.”

The smile on her face dropped and she bit the inside of her cheek. Part of her was kind of mad that Jason had taken the pen from her -- really, she should have figured out that that was what was going on, though, he was never the most cuddly -- and the other part was desperate for coffee.

The coffee addiction won out.

“But…” She sniffled a little and pulled tears to her eyes. She tried not to think about how easily they came. “But I need…”

Dick groaned quietly and she felt arms hook under hers and pull her into a hug.

“This isn’t going to work.”

She buried her face in his shoulder and let the tears fall.

“I know what you’re doing.”

“I can’t sleep,” she whispered. “Please. I can’t. Please.”

Ah. That was a little more genuinely vulnerable than she’d intended on being.

But, hey, it was working. She heard Dick’s breath catch at the admission.

“Why not?” He said softly, running a hand up and down her back.

Why he even bothered to ask, she didn’t know. The bats knew about her nightmares. They knew about everything she did, why would they stop when she fell asleep? But she hadn’t mentioned it up until that point and they hadn’t brought it up either.

Still, she mumbled “Nightmares.” She hesitated only slightly before adding that it was “Ironic that NightMare has nightmares, but...”

Dick gave a laugh and she felt herself smile at the sound. He always did like bad puns. Her smile dropped a little when he told her “You still need sleep.”

She laughed bitterly. “It’s not like I’m getting much of it when I wake up every ten minutes anyways.”

He sighed and she felt his head rest on top of hers. “I guess one cup a day isn’t that bad…”

She gave a halfhearted cheer.

“Would you like to talk about your dreams? Sometimes that helps...”

She didn’t even hesitate to shake her head no. She did, however, hesitate to pull away from the hug. She liked Dick’s hugs far more than she’d ever admit, and ever since she’d come back she’d liked them even more. He was just about the right size and just squishy enough for her to pretend she was getting a hug from Harley.

But, eventually, she managed to pull herself together and she pushed him off as gently as she could.

“Ready to workout?”

Dick was wearing a particularly sad look that she decided didn’t look right on his face.

But then he brought a smile to his face and nodded. “Bet you I’m still more flexible.”

“Probably, but don’t get used to it. Your days as the world’s best gymnast are numbered.”

“Hm. We’ll see.”

~

 Damian.

She blinked at him. She really hadn’t expected him to… come by at all, honestly. Sure, they’d been getting along better than they’d used to and they were partners before she’d disappeared, but they weren’t partners anymore. He had no reason to come talk to her.

She smiled at him nonetheless. Company was company, and she wasn’t about to be picky when she was locked in a room for the foreseeable future.

“Dami!” She said brightly, crossing her legs criss-cross applesauce and then -- after thinking about it for a moment -- smoothed her dress out to make sure everything was hidden. (Damian was only a few months younger than her, she knew that logically, but some dumb part of her kept saying ‘child’.)

He regarded her for a moment before taking a seat beside her.

“Marinette,” he greeted carefully.

“Are you here for something?” She asked.

He hesitated, just slightly, and then nodded.

Ah. She wasn’t sure how she could be of help, compromised as she was, but she was certainly ready to try.

“I would like to know about my miraculous. Plagg has been… behaving oddly recently.”

Her smile slipped off her face at that. “Oddly how?” She said, eyeing his pockets like she believed the kwami would pop out at any moment and show her himself (which, granted, was entirely possible, but apparently not going to happen).

“He’s been more energetic. Less hungry. It doesn’t make sense.”

She thought about this for a few minutes, resting her head on her hand. Damian was right, that didn’t make sense… if anything, Plagg had been getting more laidback and mellow as time has stretched on...

Unless…

“Have you been using him?”

“... no. Is he just hyper from not being used, then?”

She stared at him, her head tipping to the side slightly as she considered him. Why wasn’t he using the miraculous? She would understand if it was a tactical decision to keep Catw -- was she called something else now that she was using the ladybug miraculous? -- Selina from using the miraculous as often, but it seemed he didn’t really know about that… so why…?

She pushed the thought from her mind. Maybe Damian just didn’t like the smell of Camambert. She wouldn’t blame him.

“It’s a balance thing. If the ladybug is used without the cat, the ladybug gets weaker and the cat gets stronger. Opposite thing happens when you use the cat without the ladybug. They’re meant to be used as a pair.” She clicked her tongue. “It probably doesn’t help that you’re on different sides.”

He nodded his understanding.

There was a beat as they just stood there (well, technically they were sitting, but whatever). She was kind of wondering why he was still there when he apparently didn’t need anything else from her, but what was she going to do? Tell him to leave? No. She was kind of desperate for the company of someone that wasn’t Jason or Dick (Cass and Duke only came by weekly so she didn’t mind them as much… also, they were Cass and Duke, so...).

He cleared his throat awkwardly, pulling her from her thoughts.

“Drake has informed me of your state.”

“I’m dead, yeah,” she confirmed.

He winced and his eyes fell to his lap. “I have also died before, if you would like to talk about it.”

She stared at him. She really hadn’t taken him for the kind of person who would offer moral support…

She pulled a smile to her face and leaned over to press a kiss to his cheek. Her smile became a little more real as she watched him scowl and wipe away the kiss.

“Thanks for the offer, Dami, but I’m fine.”

He gave her a skeptical look.

“Really. I’ll tell you guys as much as I need to for you to believe it: nothing much happened while I was there. Honestly, it was more boring than scary. So relax, I’m fine. I’ll live.”

And then, because she couldn’t help it, she added: “Well, that ship sailed long ago, but you know what I mean.”

He clicked his tongue. “Now I have to deal with terrible death jokes from you AND Todd? I wish I were dead.”

“You wish you were STILL dead, you mean?” She teased, reaching out to pinch his cheeks and breaking out into laughter when he swatted her hands away.

He rolled his eyes at her and then, with a short ‘Goodbye’, he left. She watched him leave, and the smile slid from her face in time with the door sliding shut behind him.

She fell back on the bed and closed her eyes. She didn’t get why people were so concerned about her. They’d faced worse. Hell, even SHE’D faced worse. Why were they making such a big deal about it?

Nothing had happened! Did they believe her when she told them that? She’d had no reason to lie, and she hadn’t been lying... and even if they’d thought she had they had Cass to prove she wasn’t. Hell, that was probably why Cass had come by at all, to check on her mental state! So why were they all so worried? They should know it was fine!

And even if she wasn’t fine (which she was!) it wasn’t like she didn’t have the same training as them. She could spot the victim questions from a mile away and she could even ask them to herself. She knew the answers, and she knew which ones she should be avoiding because she knew that they sounded way worse than they actually were.

Some vague part of her whispered that if anything sounded at all bad to the victim questions then she was, in fact, a victim. She buried her face in her pillow and gave a strangled scream of frustration. Now she had their stupid voices in her head telling her something was wrong, too.

~

She didn’t even look up from her phone when she heard the door slide open. Partially because she was kind of addicted to Geometry Dash and she wouldn’t win if she was looking up and partially because she could smell coffee so she knew who it was anyways.

“Thank fuck you’re here, Jay, I was --.”

“Sorry, but you’re going to have to wait a little longer for him, bean.”

Her eyes snapped to the door and her little box thingy on her screen died but she could hardly bring herself to care.

Tim!

Her face lit up. She hadn’t seen him in a while and she had really been missing him. Also, she noted vaguely, he was apparently healed from all of his injuries. Nice!

Except, as she scrutinized his face, she noticed he looked even more tired than usual. His skin was deathly pale, the bags under his eyes made him look like a raccoon, his hair hung limply around his face…

“Damn, and I thought I looked dead on my feet,” she teased softly to hide her concern.

He managed a smile and she waved him over to lay down with her. He hesitated before coming to sit beside her on the bed.

“When’s the last time you got some proper sleep?” She asked, tugging on the sleeve of his turtleneck to try and get him to lay down and cuddle with her. If she could get him to he might accidentally drift off.

He must have known what she was trying, because he resisted her attempts. “I’m fine. It’s been a while, but it’s nothing I’m not used to.”

She crossed her arms. “Fine. What’s wrong?”

He stared at her confusedly.

“You only get this bad when something is going on. What is it?”

He just kept staring at her and she shifted awkwardly.

“... bean…” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s you. I’m worried about you.”

She groaned. “Not you, too.”

“Obviously I’m --.” He cut himself off and then mulled over his words for a bit. He decided on: “I don’t want to keep you here forever. I don’t want you to get ‘better’ because we Stockholm syndrome-ed you. Or re-Stockholm syndrome-ed you, since Harley already did it.”

“She didn’t --,” Marinette started, but she gave up on that. She knew they all didn’t understand it and arguing would probably only solidify their belief that Harley had messed her up in some way. Instead, she settled to address the rest of the statement:  “I mean… I already liked you all beforehand so… it’s not like caring about you would be exactly NEW...”

“It’s still wrong.”

She gave a tiny shrug. “It’s not like you have any other options. I’d probably be doing the same thing if everything was reversed.”

“That doesn’t really make me feel better,” said Tim with a tiny shake of his head.

She bit the inside of her cheek to keep the frown off of her face. “Then I don’t know what you want from me, Tim.”

He sighed. “I want you to get better.”

“Hard to do when I’m already fine.”

“But you’re not! You’re literally dead! How is that at all fine?!”

She rolled her eyes. She was getting a headache, though she wasn’t sure whether or not it was because of caffeine withdrawal (she was pretty sure Jason was supposed to have come in a few hours ago) or annoyance at repeating herself so many times. She pressed her cold hand to her forehead to try and alleviate it somewhat.

“It’s not even that bad, honestly. I can still drink coffee and sleep and that’s all I really care about. I can even feel pain! It’s pretty much the same except I don’t have to go to the bathroom and I can’t change clothes!”

Tim stared at her for a few moments before slamming his palm against his forehead. “That’s what it is!”

“Huh?”

“I thought something was weird about you being dead,” he explained, though it didn’t really explain anything. “Give me a minute, I’ll be back.”

She watched him practically run out the door and frowned confusedly. Sure, it was a little weird that she could still do most stuff, but that didn’t really warrant getting up in such a rush. Maybe the dead thing creeped him out more than he let on and he needed a breather?

So she picked up her phone and started playing Geometry Dash again while she waited for him to come back.

About an hour later she heard the door slide open and she raised her eyebrows at the sight of Tim holding a thermos and a plastic tray of food from Red Robin (the restaurant; anything he cooked was straight poison and if she tried it she might just die for real).

She watched him sit down with them. “You hungry?”

He shook his head and shoved them towards her. “They’re for you.”

Her confusion only seemed to grow.

“Sweetie, I don’t eat,” she reminded him, though she did take the thermos in case… nice! Coffee!

“Except you can if you want to, which is weird, right?”

She shrugged a little, not bothering to tear her lips away from her drink to give him a proper ‘I guess’.

“But where’s it going? Because you don’t go to the bathroom so it has to be used up in some way otherwise you would have probably exploded by now.”

She finished the drink and then set down the empty thermos beside herself. “Magic, probably…”

“Maybe,” he gave her, but that didn’t seem to put him out. “But then there’s the pain thing. Sure, it’s muted, but it’s definitely still there. Why should a dead person feel pain?”

“Because I’m not fully dead…?”

“Exactly!”

She shrugged again. “I really don’t see where you’re going with this.”

“What if you just need food or something to come back? Because you clearly had a headache, and it seems like it’s caffeine-related because you’ve relaxed a little since you had your coffee, which means we know that your digestive, nervous, and circulatory system are still working on some level...”

She stared at the food he’d given her.

“You think that if I eat enough I can come back.”

He nodded. “I know it’s a longshot, but we should at least try it, right?”

[queen-of-my-goofball-army]

Now This Story Has Some More You'll Hear It All At The Candy Store Fic

Hi everyone! So I finally have some writing for everyone, I know that it's been nearly a month since I've last posted something that I wrote. I love writing but if I get depressed then I can't write anymore. But now that I started taking more time for me the ideas that I've been having are actually being finished for once! This idea came to me last weekend when I decided that I wanted to get caught up on Owl House. The moment that I met Hunter I was a goner. I knew that I was screwed when I heard his "BYE" in the first episode. So I welcome you to my newest poly ship between my OC, Edric, and Hunter!

“So before you go in there Ken, there’s something you should know.” Luz mentioned right as we were passing the woods to get to the Owl House.

“What’s that? Did King leave another disaster that we have to clean up before we can actually start the club meeting?” The girl laughed a little bit rubbing the back of her neck. I could tell that this was something that she had put off telling me about.

“Not exactly as far as I know anyways. It’s that Eda’s adopted another kid, he was the golden guard.” My eyes widened and I instantly looked around to make sure that it was just the two of us here.

“Are you sure that he’s… that?” She nodded her head a little bit nervously. I sighed a little bit, wondering what kind of scheme was clearly going on inside the other teens head and if he would cause harm to the human girl.

“He’s a good person though. I can tell, he’s basically kinda become like my brother. I was an only child back home so I never got to really have any siblings. I was lonely a lot of the time since everyone I knew had somebody to talk to. But me, I had nobody.” My heart broke for the human girl that had fallen into basically my younger sister’s lap.

“I understand I think. I always had Kendra and Kelvin. When I wasn’t with them I had Ed and Em. I always had somebody around to keep me company. I’m sorry that I was so judgmental. It’s just that I’m worried. This is the nephew of the Emperor’s Coven. I hope Eda knows what she’s doing.” Luz just smiled softly at me.

“Trust me I can just tell that he isn’t a threat. He wants to have a better life a real family. The Emperor surprising to no one is a really shit dad.” I laughed at Luz loosening my hold on my satchel that was around my waist.

“Does Amity know about this?” She nodded her head with a small laugh thinking about her girlfriend and the brother that had come into her life.

“She does that’s why she isn’t walking with us. She got a free period this afternoon and wanted to go to the house before we did. How did your big illusion presentation go today?” I opened my cloak to show her the being that I created using my magic to show her a purple dragon baby with a pink belly and orange horns, wings, spikes and talons on his feet.

“That’s amazing!! You’re really, really talented at what you do Ken!!” She encouraged me and I felt a bright pink flush come over my cheeks.

“Anyone could have done it if they just put their mind to it. Edric and Emira just mainly use magic to goof off but I’ve always taken it way too seriously. I love my boyfriend but… damn he’s an idiot.” Luz just laughed at me lightly nudging my shoulder.

“I’m sure that Amity has the same thoughts about me sometimes. That awkward moment when you realize you have a soft spot for goofball idiots that can’t not create chaos. That’s another reason why I think you’re really going to like Hunter.” For some reason the idea of meeting Luz’s brother now made me really nervous. The same nervous that I used to get when I had to be around Edric for any length of time when I was pining after him.

“Well I’m sure that I will too…” I saw the house in front of me and when Luz opened the door I was instantly caught in a hug attack from King.

“Kenny!!” I hugged the demon pup close to me with a small laugh as I saw magenta eyes out of the corner of mine.

“Sorry! He got away from me, I was watching him with Amity but as soon as he heard your voice he started running for the door at notch twelve.” Oh hex. This is not going to end well for me. A boy with fair skin, a gap between his teeth, scars on his ear and his cheeks, dark circles under his eyes due to a serious lack of sleep, and ash blonde hair in an undercut. Tell me that this isn’t Hunter Luz, tell me he’s just some rando that was here to get help from Eda.

“Hunter? Did King find Kenny?” I saw Amity standing in the doorway with a small smile on her face as she saw my current predicament.

“It would appear to be that way, I’m Hunter. I’m.. staying here for a while.” He rubbed the back of his neck a little bit awkwardly and I looked at him with a small understanding smile.

“I’m Kenneth, I go to the same school as Luz and Amity.” I introduced myself to him and I saw his small smile.

“You make illusions? Can I see one?” I nodded my head with a small smile summoning Figment again and bringing the dragon back.

"I made him myself! He got me an A on my assignment from earlier. Ed and Em pulled another prank on the teacher and got in trouble for that. When my boyfriend starts taking magic seriously give me a call. It would be really helpful.” I whined a little bit and Amity just laughed at me giving me a hand while King was continuing to cling to my side.

“He’s been having one of his more touchy days he was curled up between us while I was painting his nails.” I heard King mutter something optimal cuddles that made my heart melt. I looked down and saw the painted nails of the boy across from me.

“That’s fine, I get it I can deal with it. It’s like having one of my younger siblings not wanting to leave me alone so I can bake or get something done.” I shrugged it off like it was nothing pressing a gentle kiss to the forehead of my best friend.

“How long have you known your boyfriend?” Hunter asked and I turned to focus on him with a small smile on my face pushing a lock of hair behind my ear.

“My boyfriend is Edric! I’ve known him since I was five years old and he’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. He’s one of the goofiest yet at the same time most exhausting people I’ve ever met. I say that with the utmost love.” Luz put her backpack down and saw her brother’s face fall a little bit when she nudged his shoulder.

“You good bro?” He nodded his head with a weak smile that reminded me so much of Edric when he was trying to pretend that he was okay when in reality he was the exact opposite.

“Don’t worry about me Luz the Goose. I’ll just be in my room I guess. Have fun at your meeting.” He turned and went up the stairs to his bedroom and I looked down at King.

“Did I say something wrong?” I asked Luz and she just sighed a little bit running a hand through her brown hair.

“I don’t think so. He is still adjusting and sometimes he’s just needing quiet time to himself. He doesn’t have any magic. It just… never came. So maybe either seeing you make Figment or you talking about how you met Edric at such a young age got to him.” So it was my fault. I put King onto the floor lightly getting down on his level.

“Can you tell me which your brother’s room is?” I asked the small puppy and he nodded his head scampering up the stairs.

“At first when he got here I was hesitant. Mostly because I was always the only boy around here. But I rather like Hunter. He’s a good kid really smart. I know that he cares about Luz and Eda even though he’s still calling her Miss Owl Lady. He’s been through a lot that much is clear. He goes to therapy twice a week for PTSD at Eda’s encouragement. He’s only been here for a little over a month. It’s why Luz hasn’t wanted to hold the book club meetings here.” My heart broke for the boy that was clearly just trying to keep his head above the water. I saw the door with his name on it and I sat next to it. “I’m not going to come in if you don’t want me to. I know that you’ve been through a lot and you don’t have to tell some stranger about it. I wouldn’t ask that of you anyway. I’m sorry that you were born without magic. I can’t even imagine what that life must be like for you. In a world where magic is everything to not have it that’s got to be the worst feeling in the entire world. I just wanted to apologize because it felt like I said something that was wrong.” I apologized to the boy that was inside of his room and I heard him sit down next to the front door to his bedroom.

“It wasn’t your fault. I never really had friends or knew people my own age. I guess hearing you talk about knowing your boyfriend for so long made me think about how lonely my life has been so far.” I sighed a little bit hitting myself in the forehead.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid, I’m an idiot. Look I’m really, really sorry Hunter. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about your childhood. That wasn’t your fault because the Emperor is a coldhearted dick. You have a family now right? You like being at the Owl House?” I heard a soft but watery laugh that made me tear up with a sad smile.

“I do. It’s just that sometimes I wonder when I’ll get thrown out of here too. I’ve already been thrown out of one home it’s only a matter of time before it happens again.” The sound that left me was somewhere between a broken sob and a cry of utter sorrow.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you. I can’t even imagine what that was like for you. I’m sorry that I brought up my relationship with my boyfriend. If it makes you feel any better I won’t talk about it around you.” The door opened behind me unexpectedly and I fell backwards hitting my head on the hard floor that was behind me.

“Ow! I’m fine, I’m good nobody needs to panic.” I rubbed the back of my neck with a small smile on my face as Hunter looked at me.

“I am so sorry! I didn’t know that you were sitting literally right there!” He apologized frantically and I just laughed a little bit.

“I’m fine, you’d be surprised by how often that happens to me. I’m really klutzy. Let’s start over yeah? I’m Kenneth Krantz, it’s nice to meet you Hunter.” I introduced myself to my new friend that was kneeling across from me.

“I’m Hunter Clawhorn still getting a bit used to the last name. This is my paladin.” I looked at the bird that was on his shoulder that chirped and nuzzled against his master’s cheek.

“That’s adorable! I love that so much. My paladin is probably Figment my dragon that I can make but I haven’t officially decided on that yet. It was just an idea that I had. That was my presentation today I had to summon my own paladin. I thought what better than a fictional dragon who’s idea is to make the world a more creative and imaginative place.” I explained a little bit about what my thoughts were about creating my own paladin.

“I think that would be really cool! I’d love to see if you could actually do it!” He exclaimed and my heart leaped at his enthusiasm towards magic and spontaneously broke because he couldn’t do it himself.

“If you two could stop the flirting we do have a book club meeting to run.” Amity told us from the hallway and I flushed a bright pink.

“We weren’t! I wasn’t! Don’t tell Ed…” I put my cloak hood over my ears tapping my feet against the floor.

“Hey, my brother will understand okay? Hunter, go downstairs I’d like to talk with them for a minute alone.” The boy smiled meekly at me before he picked up King and went down the stairs. Amity sat down on the floor next to me.

“You know that there are some people out there who can love more than one person right? Luz tells me that they’re called polyamorous relationships. Most of the time they are sexual in nature which I know is not your thing but if anybody needs platonic physical affection it’s him. I knew that this would happen if you two ever met. Admit it Ken your type is idiotic goofballs that are super dorky.” I buried my head in my hands feeling the humiliation come over me.

“I always said that Ed would be the only person that I’d ever love. So I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now or why this boy with a gap between his teeth decided to show up and ruin everything that I had going for me…” Amity squeezed my hand with a small smile on her face. She just leaned against my side her lavender hair clashing with my cloak.

“Kenny you’ve always said that because you thought that you’d never meet anybody else. You can still love Edric and Hunter at the same time.” She made the mind blown mime with her brain and I felt tears escape my eyes.

“Or I could just sit back and do absolutely nothing. I’m going with stand back and do nothing and hopefully these feelings can go away.” She sighed a little bit pushing a lock of hair into my ponytail. I untied my hair retying it again.

“Kenny you spent five years not doing anything but pine for my brother. I love you, you’re one of the best things that have ever happened to me other than Luz. You change people for the better. I can’t sit back and watch you torture yourself for no reason. Just talk with my brother.” She entwined our hands lightly thumbing over my hand.

“He’ll hate me for sure though if I tell him and he’ll never trust me again…” Amity just sighed a little bit running a hand through her hair.

“I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. I love you both and you make my brother incredibly happy. He’s going to understand and do you know why? Because he flirts with literally everyone. He’s going to find him just as quirky and adorable as you do.” I tapped my feet against the floor knowing the younger girl that was next to me.

“Come downstairs when you feel better.” She kissed my cheek with a sympathetic smile on her face before she left me alone. My phone buzzed with an impending message. The username alone made me groan.

My idiot: I miss you already gorgeous!! I know how much these book meetings mean to you though. I sighed a little bit wondering if this was a weird thing to discuss over text.

Me: Can I ask you something? It would be a lot less awkward for me if I did this over text and I instantly got a response.

My idiot: Of course you can ask me anything!! What’s going on Kenny? I bit my lower lip hard enough to leave an indent as I messaged him back. Me:Luzhasanadoptedbrothernowandhe’ssocuteIcan’tfunctionIstillloveyouIswear I sent the text without even thinking about it and before I could regret anything.

My idiot: Whoa!! Slow down, I didn’t understand any of that it’s going to take me a minute, all I got was Luz and adopted brother. I sighed heavily running a hand through my bright pink hair with a nervous smile on my face.

Me: Luz has a new adopted brother, his name is Hunter, he’s really, really, really cute. I can’t help it he’s just the cutest thing that I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I smiled nervously as my boyfriend sent me a series of question marks.

My idiot: Send me an image!! I summoned what Hunter looked like to my idiot and got a message back in all caps.

My idiot: HOLY HEX THAT IS A 10/10 CUTIE!! Kenny, if don’t flirt with him what are you doing?! I give you full permission if this ends you two kissing. We’ll talk later come by the house once you’re done!! I blinked owlishly at the boy that stole my heart.

Me: So wait a minute, you’re not going to hate me? Break up with me because I can’t keep a normal relationship? I looked down at the living room when I heard a soft laugh that literally lit me up inside. It was the cutest sound that I’d ever heard in my entire life.

My idiot: Babe, this is a “normal” relationship. Every relationship is different. If your relationship entails adding a cute ex-cop to our dynamic who I can totes learn to love than what’s the harm? As long as we’re happy why should anybody else give a rats behind? I couldn’t help the light laugh that left me in sheer disbelief.

Me: You’re right baby. I’m sorry for freaking out on you I was just so scare that you might break up with me over something like this. I love you so much it’s just that this boy… he has me thrown all off my guard. I don’t know what to do around him other than just comfort him. He’s never had friends before. The Emperor kept him from literally everything. I say that we talk about this between us after the meeting. I’ll come over to the mansion. I should really get down there and join everyone. I kinda had an emotional breakdown. I smiled softly. Ed understood and was willing to talk about what this meant for our relationship. I knew that I’d always love my childhood friend but this new arrival I couldn’t help but be drawn into his orbit. I wanted to get to know him, to be his friend. To eventually learn for him to trust me… and then we’d figure everything out from there. I went downstairs with a contented smile on my face seeing the found family curled around the couch.

“Sorry about all of that everyone. I just kinda feel like I was hit by a thunderbolt.” I sat down on the rug that was in front of couch even though there was a spot but it was between Luz and Hunter. I didn’t want to take any chances of doing something that I’d regret later on.

“You don’t want to sit on the couch Kenny?” Eda asked me a small smirk on her face and I looked at the witch that changed everyone’s lives that she came into contact with.

“It would be kinda cramped. I don’t want to cause any problems.” I murmured and she just smiled softly at me ruffling my hair.

“It will be a little bit tight but I don’t mind.” Hunter argued and I felt my heart pick up speed. It wasn’t a feeling that I was used to having with anybody other than Edric.

“Yeah Ken!! There’s plenty of room!!” Luz encouraged taking my arm and nearly shoving me into the seat next to her brother. I flushed a bright pink turning away and looked down at my cloak wishing that I could vanish into it.

“Luz Goose what the hex was that for? Are you okay?” Hunter asked me inspecting for injuries while I could hear the light cackle of laughter. Oh she absolutely did that on purpose. I was not nearly as bad with her and Amity when they were just friends. I’ll get my revenge somehow one of these days.

“I’m fine thank you for checking hun.” The pet name accidentally slipped and I covered my mouth a bright pink flush covering my mouth.

“What is my problem?” I muttered to myself pulling at the ends of my hair with a huff of breath curling my arms around my waist.

“Sweetheart, there is nothing wrong with you and you have no problems.” Eda’s voice brought me out of my head and I looked over at the woman that helped me out with finding my confidence.

“Does anybody want snacks?” I quickly changed the subject opening my satchel with a small apprehensive smile on my face.

“Did you bring cookies?!” Luz asked me excitedly and I handed her the individual bag of cookies that had her name on them.

“Everyone has individual favorite flavors but I didn’t know yours. Do you like chocolate chip?” I asked the boy next to me and he nodded his head tentatively.

“I actually have no idea I’ve never tried cookies before…” My heart broke for the boy breaking one of mine in half so that he could try it. Watching his eyes bulge and the sound of surprise leave him made my heart warm and grow three sizes.

“I’m still trying to get him to learn what it means to be a normal teenager. There’s a lot of things that I haven’t gotten around to having him try yet. I love having him around though. He’s picking up glphys a lot faster than I did.” Eda ruffled her son’s hair with a loving smile on her face as Hunter reached into my bag and took his own individual cookie.

“These are the best things that I’ve ever tasted… you’re really amazing Kennth.” My heart started to skip beats and I shook my head animatedly.

“It’s nothing really all that special. It’s just baking and following a recipe. My parents run a human bakery where they sell all sorts of things that they have in the human realm. I work there part time when I don’t have club meetings.” I got out the book from my satchel well worn after many years of use. I had read this book so many times when I was growing up.

“Can I share yours? I still need to get my hands on a copy. Luz lended me some of her’s but I want to collect them all. I’m a bit of a nerd about magic.” He rubbed the back of his neck and I nodded my head opening my book while he leaned over my shoulder. If he leaned a little bit closer he’d be pressing against my cheek. If I could have another gay panic that wasn’t slow dancing with Ed I would have another one right here.

“How are you doing over there Kenny?” I glared half heartedly at Amity mouthing that she was dead to me.

“I’m fine.” I lied lightly trying to just get through this two hour meeting so that I could talk with my boyfriend about how this would all go. I didn’t know I’d get through this without knowing if it was okay for me to flirt with the magenta eyed boy.

“You look about as fine as I did when I was pinning for Luz.” I kicked her foot harshly hoping that she would drop the subject.

“Not another word Amity, not one more word or I swear I won’t talk to you for a day.” I threatened lightly and heard Hunter’s light chuckle.

“That sounds like my threats to Luz when I can’t think of anything else.” My heart positively melted when I heard his light chuckle. I fell in love with Edric when I first heard him laugh once I got old enough. Hearing somebody laugh was how I knew where they would fit into my life. Actually being able to hear Hunter’s was how I knew that I was positively screwed. There was no getting out of this situation.

“I know I’ve had a day cut me some slack. If I had a better day then I’d be more threatening. And here I thought that I was the smooth talker of the three of us only to turn into a flustered awkward mess…” I muttered picking at a thread on my uniform even though my mom always lectured me when she saw me doing it because I could tear a hole in it.

“Smooth talker?” He asked curiously and Amity put her legs across her girlfriend’s lap with a relaxed smile.

“That’s their role with my siblings. Since they often get into trouble they needed to be the one who got them out of trouble. That was their job. They learned to get over their social awkwardness and became stronger because of it.” My heart warmed as Amity bragged about how usually smooth I was until you put me next to a cute boy by force just about.

“How were you able to get over something like that?” Hunter questioned curiosity burning in his magenta eyes and I couldn’t not answer him.

“It wasn’t easy I can tell you that much. Basically what happened was I finally learned to stand up for myself for one thing. I’ve always been good at telling a story and once I found my sexuality and my gender identity I became a lot more confident in my abilities. I used my intelligence to get us out of quick situations.” My new friend finally settled against me with a small smile on his face. Luz lightly nudged my arm and mouthed touch starved.

“Shut it Goose you’re the one who introduced me to platonic touch. Are you okay with this?” I nodded my head with a small smile on my face my blush finally going away.

“I’m fine with it. Thank you for asking though.” I thanked him before finally clearing my throat and flipping to the page where we left off our last meeting.

“Have you read this one?” I asked the boy that was now settled against me and looking over my shoulder at the book.

“It was the last one that I just finished. It’s where she has to fight the sultan snake right?” I nodded my head. This had been one of my favorite books, Azura and The Magic Lamp. Ever since I was a kid it brought me right into the action and the adventure.

“That’s right! But that isn’t until the very end so spoilers geez!” I lightly teased and he just laughed at me. It was the first time that I heard his actual laugh and not his quiet little chuckle. I also couldn’t help but find his gentle teasing nickname of calling his sister a Goose one of the cutest things ever.

“Oh I’m so sorry that I’ve spoiled a book that knowing the three of you, you’ve read twenty times already.” Ohh cutie adorable has an attitude problem… not going to lie that makes me even more attached to him.

“This part is good.” He mentioned off handedly and I cleared my throat before I started reading the fairy tale that I had grown up reading.

“As Azura rubbed the lamp that laid in her hands after feeling her most betrayed and left for dead at the bottom of the cave a sudden puff of pink smoke erupted from the lamp…” Reading aloud had always been one of my favorite things. Seeing Hunter finally relax against my shoulder and all the tension left him and just left him with a soft smile as I read the pages aloud.

“And that’s the chapter for today.” I closed my book and Hunter whined plaintively that I had stopped reading my book.

“One more?” He begged and I couldn’t help but feel my heart warm a little bit at the look on his face. He was just so innocent and pure. How anybody could hurt a face that looked at them like that and decide that they want to stab them in the back amazed me. I will protect him. I have the ability to protect others and I’m going fight to keep him safe. Not that I think he needs my help or anything he can take care of himself. He did for many years. It’s just that he wasn’t alone anymore he had friends and a family now. No matter what happened between us even if he didn’t ever want to be anything more than friends with me.

“Sorry Hunter we only do one chapter per meeting. It’s what we’ve always done because most of the time Luz gets distracted.” The human in question whined and kicked her legs back and forth against the couch.

“It’s not my fault blame my stupid ADHD.” Her brother just laughed a little bit at her getting off my shoulder. I instantly missed the warmth of his weight there and just wanted to pull him back to where he had been originally sitting.

“Do you have any mental health problems Kenneth?” I shrugged my shoulders toying with a lock of pink hair that was on my head.

“I probably do. I’ve honestly never really thought that much about it. I don’t need help or anything like that. I mean maybe I have aspergers but I’ve always been able to make friends since I came out of my own shell. I probably had it a lot worse when I was younger. What about you?” I asked him carefully and he just sighed a little bit.

“Other than PTSD from having to deal with you know the Emperor being my father figure and all that fun stuff I’m pretty much normal.” Luz squeezed his hand reaching over my lap to hold her brother’s hand with a small smile on her face.

“You’re getting better though Hunty. Your nightmares are still prevalent but they’re probably going to stay that way for a while.” My heart broke at the idea of this poor thing waking up screaming from a nightmare.

“I’m sorry for asking…” I apologized and the boy just shook his head. I could see all the pain from years of isolation from the rest of society written all over his face.

“It’s not your fault you were just curious if there was anything else. Besides King probably already told you so it’s not some big surprise. I love him but he’s a blabber mouth.” I laughed a little bit at the idea of the demon puppy being a blabber mouth because it was true. I looked over at the television seeing a copy of Mulan over the top of it.

“Mulan is one of my favorite Disney movies. I have a soft spot for Sleeping Beauty. I know it’s trash and not the best out there but it’s the one that I grew up watching the most. I love the atmosphere and the artistry the most. It’s so pretty.” I talked about my favorite animated film from the company on Luz’s world that tried their best to bring the world of magic into their world.

“I haven’t seen that one yet. I’m still trying to get through the popular ones. I just watched that one last night it was really amazing. It was probably my favorite that I’ve seen so far. Do you watch a lot of them?” I shook my head with a small laugh at the thought of my movie night’s with Ed and Em. It was mostly just with Ed now because Emira couldn’t be around us for too long without fake gagging. “I love both cheesy horror movies and the real psychological ones. Most of the time that’s what I pick to watch when I have movie nights with my boyfriend.” I looked to my left only to find that Luz and Amity had dipped.

“We didn’t want to listen to you two flirt!!” I blushed a bright pink looking down at my periwinkle uniform that I was wearing.

“Like you two are any better you’re almost nauseating to be around!” Hunter shot back at his younger sister and I couldn’t help but laugh at the two of them.

“It must have been a big change for you. Going from not having anyone to having Luz basically being like you’re my brother now deal with it mentality.” He laughed a little bit and I put that into my recorder so that I could replay it later on.

“It was a lot for a while. I’m still working on feeling comfortable around here because it’s just so loud. It was all but silent in the castle. That’s probably why I became so loud. I wanted to stand out in that environment so I adopted the persona of Golden Guard. This fake aura of confidence like my whole life was fine when in reality it was hell. He tried to make me get rid of my paladin. That’s when I finally left because I wanted to learn wild magic. I was always fascinated by it. Funny the kid with no magic fascinated with the wildest kind of magic that’s out there in the world.” I listened to my new friend rant about his childhood. He was so kind that it hurt my heart how people had treated him.

“Well you can come to the bakery whenever you want if you want a break from all of this. I can’t promise that it’ll be quieter and my younger siblings might ask you a lot of questions. I have fraternal twin younger siblings, Kendra and Kelvin. All of us have K names I don’t know why specifically that letter won my parents over but it’s what did.” I offered him the out to come to where I worked part time not even thinking about how embarrassing my parents would be. I would have to sit them down and explain to them everything that I talked with Ed. Hopefully they understood what I was talking about and would still accept me. It would be my third time coming out about something to them. It was almost becoming a running joke. It had been three years since the last time that I came out to them and six years since the first time we talked about the fact that I was probably gay.

“I’d really enjoy that. Plus if there are more sweets like those delicious cookies that you brought with you then I might have a new favorite place to study when I want some quiet. Sorry that you only got one of them.” He apologized gesturing to the bag of cookies that I had brought for me. I couldn’t help but laugh and shake my head at him.

“It’s no big deal Hunter, I didn’t know that you were here. Luz told me right before we reached the Owl House. I love her I really do but she needs to work on her bringing about bad news. After she told me I was a little bit worried. I mean, the Golden Guard. But you’re nothing like what I had expected you to be.” I mentioned to him and he just looked at me his eyes big with a small nervous smile on his face, like he would get shut down at any moment.

“Really?” I nodded my head. I sat up on the couch putting my book into my satchel. The sooner I went to talk to my boyfriend the better so we could set up some ground rules as to how this all would go.

“Really. I want to spend more time with you believe me I do but I want to talk to Ed about something kind of important. Did Eda give you a cell phone?” He nodded his head writing down his phone number on a corner of notebook paper. I looked at the number seeing adorably dorky little hearts on it.

“I hope that you come by the bakery sometime. Just ignore anything that my parents tell you. They can be really, really embarrassing.” I rubbed the back of my head a little bit putting the note into my pocket and putting the cell number into my phone next to a golden heart.

“I think that’s most parents that raised their kids. They know everything about them so that’s why they can be so humiliating. Eda is already definitely becoming the embarrassing parent the more she learns about me.” I couldn’t help but laugh a little bit at Eda’s I heard that you little punk from the kitchen. I finally got off the comfortable couch.

“It was great meeting you Hunter. I’ll text you for sure.” My new friend smiled softly nodding his head a soft glimmer of hope in his magenta eyes.

“I look forward to it.” I smiled softly before turning around and with a heavy heart leaving the boy on the couch. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw Amity and Luz holding hands and going over homework together.

“I’m going back to your place Amity. Want me to cover for you?” I asked the teen and she just nodded her head with a faint glimmer of a smile.

“You got it! Consider yourself covered. I’ll se you both at school tomorrow. Bye Eda! Thank you for having me again.” I thanked the Owl Lady before I left the house waving to Hooty and ignoring the calls that he yelled at me. The walk from the Owl House to the Blight mansion wasn’t actually that long but I saw the car that was sitting in the driveway.

“Guess we’re going the back way today.” I twirled the key that was around my neck as I crept quietly behind the house so as to not draw the attention of Odalia Blight.

“Kenny!!” Em whisper yelled from her bedroom and I looked up at my best friend waving to her. I walked carefully over to her bedroom.

“What’s up? Why are the parentals home?” I whispered back to her and she just sighed heavily running a hand through sea green hair.

“They found out that Ed and I got sent to the principals office again today. So we’re under strict surveillance right now. Did you want to talk to him about something? There’s an abomination at the back door so I’ll help you get in if you want to talk to him about something if it’s critical.” I nodded my head climbing the tree next to my best friend’s window and she offered me a hand inside.

“There we go, good job Kenny!!” She whispered encouragingly and I saw the divider that led to her brother’s side of the room.

“Gorgeous!!” He accidentally said a little bit too loudly before he pulled me into his arms while Emira stood guard at the front door of their bedroom.

“How did book club go?” Ed asked me leading me around his piles of filth and dirty dishes that were in his bedroom.

“It went fine. Luz did something really embarrassing I think that the teens are definitely onto something. Especially Amity I think after five years of watching me pine for you she knows what my expression of smitten looks like. Luz shoved me next to Hunter.” As I told him the story about what had happened earlier that afternoon at the club meeting he just laughed at me.

“I’m sorry that happened to you Kenny but hey it all worked out alright? Did he seem interested in you? Did you tell him about me? More important what did you tell him about me?” He started asking me rapid-fire question a million miles an hour and I couldn’t help but overwhelmed.

“Ed hex don’t overcrowd them, they’ve obviously had a rough meeting if they had to deal with a cute boy. You know how they get when they’re around a cute boy.” I wanted to ask her what she was insinuating with that sentence but I knew what she meant. All my natural smooth talking went right out the window whenever I encountered a cute boy.

“He did seem a little bit interested I think? He’s going to need some time though and you’re going to have to give it to him Ed. I just want to be his friend for right now. He needs a friend. The Emperor in all his assholery kept him isolated from the rest of society so he’s never had any real friends before. He doodled hearts next to his phone number on the notebook paper.” I smiled softly pulling out the notebook paper that the boy had drawn on. Edric picked up the piece of paper and plugged it into his phone.

“Hey don’t you dare Ed, listen to me don’t you dare okay? We have to give him time to adjust to this sort of thing. I don’t even know what this is so I don’t want you talking to him. Not until I’ve figured out for myself what I want. It might have just been a fluke as to what I felt for him today.” Ed gave me a look of outright suspicion.

“Did you save his laugh so that you can replay it in the future?” I blushed a bright pink burying my face into his shoulder with a small whimper.

“Maybe? Is that creepy?” I asked him curiously and my boyfriend just laughed at me a little bit. He thumbed over the sides of my cloak.

“I don’t think so since mimicking voices and faces is a huge part of your magic. You need to have it as part of your arsenal but I’d like to hear it anyways.” I summoned the laugh that had lit me up from the inside that I had heard earlier.

“Why won’t you let me text him?” He whined a little bit and I toyed with the ends of his sea foam green hair.

“Because you’ll just openly flirt with him and it’ll scare him away. I don’t want to say that he’s fragile because he isn’t. It’s more like you can be super intense with your feelings and you tend to throw all caution to the wind and just do whatever you’re feeling anyways. I know that you want to help me with this recent development but you are just going to have to trust me. I’ve loved you since I was ten. I thought that I would only ever love you. Only to find out that I was totally wrong.” I rested my head against my long time love’s chest and he just lifted my chin making me look into his golden eyes.

“You know that’s okay right? To love more than one person at one time? That there isn’t ethically wrong with it? It’s just society thinks that it’s wrong because people are only supposed to have one according to their skewed logic.” My boyfriend reasoned and I felt tears come to my eyes when he kissed my forehead, cheeks, nose and then me gently.

“Thank you for understanding Ed. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I know that I want to spend more time getting to know him. He’s a good person I can just tell.” Ed just sighed a little bit running his hands through my hair.

“I know that you have an excellent judge of character sweetheart and I know that you can do whatever you need to. Do you think that he’d like me?” I cradled the cheeks of my idiot for a boyfriend laughing a little bit.

“He’d have to be stupid to say no sweetheart. Trust me I know that he’s going to agree to date us I just want to be there for him as a friend until either he comes to me or I decide what exactly this is.” He just huffed a little bit crossing his arms over his chest. I melted into the affection until I heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

“Hex, Kenny you’ve got to go!! If mom finds you here I don’t know what will happen but it won’t be pretty.” I kissed my boyfriend one more time squeezing his hand softly. I got out of his bed and he just waved to me when I went down the side of the mansion.

“I love you gorgeous.” I smiled softly at him blowing him a kiss as I ran off of their property. I picked up my headphones that Luz had given to me for tuning out the rest of the world. I had fallen in love with the sound of older music, especially Elvis and Johnny Cash.

“Kenneth!” My mom called out to me from inside of the bakery and I put my headphones around my neck with a small smile on my face.

“You’re just in time! I was starting to get worried, did you stop somewhere else on the way home from the Owl House?” I nodded my head taking off my cloak and putting on my apron and my work clothes. I heard the familiar sounds of Ballad Of A Teenage Queen coming from the speakers of our small establishment.

“I stopped at Ed’s sorry mom I had to talk to him about something really important.” I tied my apron into a bow around my back and she just smiled softly at me.

“Was it really or did you just want to sneak away to make out with your boyfriend?” My face turned a bright pink and I got out the big bowl that I usually used to make my treats.

“Mom…” I groaned and she just laughed at me openly without shame that I was feeling. She was whipping frosting for my double chocolate cupcakes.

“What? Did I say something wrong?” She joked lightly and I just sighed heavily looking deep into the bowl in front of me.

“Mom… did you ever think that you could have feelings for somebody other than dad but still love dad?” She cocked her head confused at me and what I was insinuating. It suddenly dawned on her and she put her hand on my shoulder.

“When I was around your age I thought that I was in love with your aunt Miri.” My eyes widened, of all the times that I had come out this was the first time that I had heard anything about my mom being anything less than a straight edge.

“We dated for a little while actually the three of us. But then we decided that we were better off just friends. She found out that she was more gay than straight and that she was mostly with me and Jared because she wanted to be with me. Shortly after that she met your aunt Claude and things went happily ever after for her. So yes there was a point in time where I dated your father as well as somebody else. Almost a year of the three of us dating. I wanted for it to work out so badly but some people just aren’t meant for a poly relationship. Did something happen when you were at the Owl House today?” I nodded my head thinking about the former Golden Guard with the dorky laugh and obsession with magic.

“Eda adopted another kid, a boy this time around. The former Golden Guard after he found a paladin that he didn’t want to get rid of. His name is Hunter. He’s this kind of dorky magic obsessed all sorts of adorable boy.” I summoned an image of him to show my mom and I watched as her heart melted in front of me.

“Oh sweetheart he’s adorable. I’m sure that you three will be very, very happy together. What’s his paladin’s name?” I laughed a little bit getting out the ingredients that I would need to make my double chocolate cupcakes.

“I didn’t ask him actually. I’ll make sure to ask him the next time that I see him. I told him that he should come here sometime if that’s alright with you mom.” She just kissed my forehead with a small understanding smile on his face.

“My project today actually got me an A! They are letting me use something that isn’t from this world. I think that the magic world is quickly growing become more accepting of people that are different. I think that we have Luz to thank for that.” I summoned my purple dragon and gave him a strawberry that my mom was working with.

“That’s amazing sweetheart! I’m so proud of you baby you’ve been doing so well in school. I for one can’t wait to meet your new friend that you made today. I don’t know how your siblings will handle it. They’re still so young and there’s a lot that they don’t understand about the world around them. I’ll talk to them before he comes here. Remind me to do it tonight.” I nodded my head and saw my dad peak his head into the kitchen where we were.

“Hi Ken!! How was your school day? How did your project go?” I nodded my head with a small smile on my face.

“I got an A on it! I worked really hard to make it as realistic as possible so everyone was impressed when I told them that I carved it myself using my illusions.” I bragged a little bit since I got my magic from my dad. He was always really good at using his illusions to tell stories for the younger twins.

“That’s great, I knew that you could do it!! You worked your tail off on that assignment once you found out that you could do your own fictional creatures for the illusions track. Let met guess, your boyfriend and Em used it as an excuse to pull some big elaborate prank.” I sighed a little bit with a small laugh mixing the wet ingredients together.

“However did you figure that out dad? They got sent to Principal Bump’s office and I wasn’t able to talk him out of it this time. They got suspended for a few days and their parents, mostly their mom, is super mad at them.” My dad just sighed a little bit ruffling my hair with an understanding grimace at the horror of Odalia Blight.

“You know that she doesn’t really hate you love. It’s just that well she’s a wicked person and doesn’t have the speckle of love that most people do. It’s not your fault. You can’t make her love you.” My dad reasoned already knowing that’s what I was upset about.

“Dad that sounded like a she hates me but she also hates everyone mentality. It didn’t really help me.” He just laughed at me lightly cradling my cheek in his palm.

“I know that you want to do what’s best for your boyfriend. But if you keep doing what’s best for him you’ll stop doing what’s best for you. I get that you worry about Ed but he’s alright. He’s still his same goofy self always getting into trouble the whole nine yards. I’d say that at his point you have a right to be selfish just like everybody else does in the world.” He reminded me and I just sighed heavily knowing that he was right. The something that would make me selfish though is really selfish. Why should I want to have another partner when I’m perfectly happy with Edric? Why does Hunter strike me as so unique yet so familiar at the same time?

“Darling if you keep thinking so hard you’re going to pop a blood vessel in your head.” My mom joked lightly hitting my hand with her wooden spoon.

“Sorry mom…” She just turned off her hand mixer and turned so that she could face me. She took my hands in her’s.

“There is nothing for you to be sorry about. I know that it must have been a lot for you to deal with in one day. Going from thinking that you could never love anybody but Edric to finding out that there’s a boy out there that you want to love as well. I don’t think any less of you though sweetheart. It’s not selfish to chase the things you want if Hunter wants them too. That could never be selfish. Love is pure and innocent. It’s the one thing that everyone in the whole world wants collectively and dreams of finding.” I felt tears escape my eyes and she just lightly thumbed over my cheeks with her hand.

“It’s okay to want to be selfish. That’s something that everyone wants in the world. We don’t get to do it a whole lot at least not until we find the person or rather in your case, the people that we want to be with. That can never be wrong not ever. I’m so proud of you Kenneth. My sweet darling child. You’ve come so far just in the last year able to admit your feelings and why you’re feeling them.” The bell rang overhead and I saw Edric slip into the back kitchen.

“How did you escape?” I asked him with a small laugh as he slid into his spot next to my work station where he’d usually keep me company.

“Warden let me off for good behavior.” I rolled my eyes knowing that hadn’t been the case in the slightest and that he’d pulled a trick on her.

“You snuck out of the window didn’t you?” I saw the scratch on his uniform that proved me right and I sighed a little bit.

“I’ll have to mend that now. Why did you sneak out the window Edric?” My boyfriend lightly took my hand kissing it gently.

“Because our time was cut short due to her ranting and raving like a madwoman about how we’re making the wrong choices in life. I don’t care about what she thinks of me. I care about what my partner thinks and what they want to do.” I smiled softly at my boyfriend lightly kissing his mole underneath his eye. I finished the cupcake batter adding it to the individual tins.

“I want to ask Hunter out on a date. Just me though, we work our way up to you. If that’s okay with you anyways.” Ed just sighed dramatically but I could tell that he would say yes after he acted like a drama queen for a few minutes.

“I suppose that I can let my gorgeous partner go on a few dates with a cute guy that isn’t their devilishly handsome boyfriend.” I shook my head at his stereotypical dramatics huffing a breath before putting my cupcakes into the oven.

“You’re devilishly something alright. Maybe devilishly annoying.” He gasped at me loudly shaking my shoulders with his overly enthused nature.

“Am I annoying to you?!” I put my hands on top of his to make him stop shaking me mainly. I squeezed them softly and understandingly.

“Baby no way you are the exact opposite of annoying. I was just messing with you seriously. I love you, you know that right? I would do anything for you. It’s different with Hunter. I want a different relationship with him than I have with you. It’s complicated and I know that it isn’t selfish now.” He shook his head at me resting his forehead against mine.

“Even if you never want me to meet Hunter I know that you’ll still love me. The only reason that I’m not freaking out right now is because it’s you and I trust you. I know you’d never leave me but that fear is still there. That I’ll be all alone one day.” I sighed a little bit putting my arms around him despite me being covered with flour due to work.

“I promise if anything changes I’ll talk to you okay? For right now this is what I want to do. It might change in the future and it might not. I might have two husbands one day and I might have just the one. I don’t know what the future holds for either of us. I know that you both make me happy though. Happier than I’ve ever been with anybody else.” I reminded Ed with an understanding smile and I saw that little bit of doubt melt away.

“Whatever the future holds as long as there’s a spot for me there we’ll be alright. You’re my best friend Ken. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’d probably be stuck with my head inside of a hole at this point. I love you so much Ken.” He reminded me lightly and I nuzzled his nose against my own. Having Ed in my life taught me so much about myself. He taught me about taking risks and what things were worth the danger.

“I love you too Eddie. I know that you’re just doing your best and I’m so proud of you. Even if I have to often talk you out of trouble it seems. Is Em overing for you back at home?” My mom just smiled at the two of us and went out to help my dad at the front of the shop since more kids were coming in after they had finished school for the day.

“She is, I owe her a big favor though. She hasn’t exactly figured out what that favor is going to be yet but I just know that she’s going to make me pay for it. What about you? What are you going to do the next time that you see Hunter?” He asked me and I sighed a little bit leaning my head against his shoulder running a hand through my pink hair.

“Probably just try and not look like the most flustered dumbass to ever flustered dumbass.” Ed just laughed openly at me and I stuck my tongue out at him.

“What if he doesn’t mind the flustered dumbass side of you?” I sighed wistfully at the idea of maybe the cute boy actually liking me despite what a mess I was currently.

“I should hope so. Because as you well know I’m like this around cute boys that flirt way too often. I hate it.” I huffed turning away from my boyfriend and he just lightly cradled my jaw in his hands looking into my violet eyes.

“I wouldn’t change a thing about you Kenny. Even when you are a flustered awkward mess of adorable. That’s simply another part of who you are. You’re the smartest person that I’ve ever met able to run academic laps around me and Em. How you’ve stayed best friends with the two of us nimrods never fails to surprise me. I think that Hunter would be lucky to have you whether that be as a friend or as a boyfriend that’s all up to you. Does that mean that I can finally flirt with other people too?” He winked jokingly at me and I averted my gaze.

“It’s not like I’ve ever stopped you anyways. You’re one of the most flirty people that I’ve ever met in my entire life. I know that you’d not listen to me even if I made that rule. One of these days I’ll introduce you and Hunter. Just let me get comfortable with him first. Then we’ll figure things out from there.” The oven dinged and I saw the cupcakes had risen. I tested them with a toothpick and found that they had perfectly cooked.

“It’s rare that people catch your attention like that right off the bat. I’ve tried to get you interested in other men over the years and you’ve never looked at any of them twice. So what’s so different about him?” My boyfriend went back to his seat his long legs dangling over the edge as I cut the sour belt that I would use around the top of the cupcake.

“I don’t know what’s so different about him okay? Just that something about him intrigues me and makes me interested in him. He’s cute and adorably snarky once you get through his walls. He’s clingy with physical affection because he can’t get enough of it. He grew up without it so when he snuggled against my side after asking if that was okay how could I possibly ever say no? Not when he looked at me with his big magenta eyes that are just the right shade of beautiful. I don’t know how to function around his style of beauty. I really don’t. Like who decided to make him so cute and awkward?” I asked my boyfriend animatedly starting to mend the sour belts to form mermaids tails for our under the sea cupcakes.

“Apparently somebody figured out that you have a soft spot for cute and lovable dorks like me. How long do you think you’re going to be able to last?” I half heartedly glared at my boyfriend. He knew how impatient I was when it came to something that I wanted to get my hands on. And I never wanted to get my hands on something nearly as much as I did with Hunter. You might think that during my pining years for Edric that I would be comfortable in this spot of pining but this was an entirely different beast.

“I haven’t the slightest idea. I’m just trying to stop myself from texting him and asking him on a date right now.” My phone buzzed and my boyfriend typed in his password, the date that we met in preschool.

“It’s from him!!” He showed me my phone and my pink eyebrows scrunched together as I read the message that was written there.

Hunter <3: Is the bakery busy today? I know that we just met today but I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind me passing by? I wanted to talk with you more than I was actually able to without Luz the Goose or Calamity sitting around. I laughed lightly at his nicknames for her sister and basically my younger sister at this point.

“If I wasn’t calling her Mittens already I’d be calling her Calamity. That’s actually really smart.” I smiled softly at the thought of how well the two boys in my life would get along. I shook the thought right out of my head.

“Oh god he wants to come here, where I work? I’m not even remotely ready. When I offered him I thought that he’d come in like a week or something not the same day?! Edddddd help me…” I pleaded my boyfriend and he just lightly thumbed over my cheek.

“Hey, you’re going to do just fine sweetheart. I know that you will and I’ll tell you why. Because you’re a gorgeous, intelligent, amazing, kindhearted, naturally gifted wizard that is going to make this Golden Guard their new beau.” Edric encouraged me blustering up my confidence with an understanding smile on his face.

“Alright I can do this, it’s just the cutest boy on the entire planet that I’ve ever met. Other than you but you’re more handsome than cute. This guy is just cute.” He laughed at me settling back into his chair as I typed out a text with my right hand finishing the tails on my sour ropes.

Me: Wow! I didn’t think that you’d come you know today or anything. You can come whenever you’d like! I’ve already done what was one my list for the day. I have this deal with my parents where I’m only allowed to make one of my recipes per day and my mom helped me out on this one. You can taste test them! I hope you like sour belts. They’re super sour we make them in house. They’re delicious though! We sell them in the candy store that we also own next door to the bakery. They came as a package deal. I smiled softly at the idea that my new boy of interest was actually coming to the store today.

“I can’t compete with cute looks wise. I know that you’ve always had a soft spot for the cute ones. Which is why I was surprised when you told me that you felt the same way that I did about you. I didn’t think that you’d ever reciprocate my feelings.” I squeezed my boyfriend’s hand understandingly picking up one of the cupcakes and started to swirl the icing around it.

“He texted back!! He said that he’s never tried sour candy but that you’ve intrigued him. He also said that he can come at another time if you’re busy. Want me to write a response back of my own creation or be you as best I can?” I sighed muttering be the best me that you can while I’m doing this. I just hope that he wouldn’t say anything embarrassing. I swirled the top of the cupcake adding the shimmery dust to the cupcake and finally the crown on the cupcake’s head along with the tail that I made.

“Princess mermaid cupcake number one complete! Only fifty more to go. We can do this, we can do this, we can do this.” I hyped myself up and my best friend cheered for me from his spot as I started getting down to business not letting myself be distracted by the idea that Hunter was on his way from the Owl House.

“Hey gorgeous, can I ask you something?” I nodded my head listening to my boyfriend’s question that he had for me.

“Do you think that Hunter would like me? I mean you’ve known me for most of your life. I just think that I’m catching the feels already and I’m kind of panicking about that right now.” I smeared a little bit of my icing on his nose with my magic.

“Hey!! Actually, hey that’s really good frosting.” I laughed at him as he did the same to me cuing a frosting fight using magic.

“Oh my Titan, he’s on his way oh no I look AWFUL Edric!” I shouted at him and he just rubbed the back of his neck a little bit.

“The frosting is a really pretty color that matches your skin tone really well?” He offered as compensation and I sighed a little bit heavily.

“Why do I let you talk me into doing stupid things like this all of the time? I don’t even know why I listen to half of your ideas. You wasted a good amount of frosting. Now guess who gets to help me with the rest of these. That’s right it’s you.” He helped me ice the rest of them and decorate them as I heard the bell ring in the shop seeing Hunter with his plasmin looking around the shop.

“Oh crap, cute boy alert that’s my cue to go bye good luck, love you gorgeous!!” He encouraged me and I put on an illusion that my face wasn’t covered in flour and frosting from my food fight with my boyfriend. I carried both of the trays outside of the kitchen leaving two of them on plates and cutting up an apple tart for the bird.

“Kenny, there’s a cute boy asking for you out front, goes by the name of Hunter. What does he want?” My dad asked me helping me carry everything out since I was struggling to balance both of them and the plates with everything.

“He’s Luz’s new adopted brother and the newest member of the Bad Girl Coven that Eda started. He just wanted a quiet place to read and study and I recommended the bakery. I didn’t think that he’d come here so soon but I have really no idea what he wants.” I watched as Hunter looked around at all the treats in sheer awe. It was really, really cute.

“Hi! I’ll be right with you I just have to get these all set up. I just finished baking all of these. I have to put them out for display and then I can talk with you.” I explained and I saw my younger sister peak her head into the shop.

“It’s okay Kendra, he’s a friend. You and your brother can come out. This is Hunter, he’s Luz’s new adopted brother. Eda adopted him and now they’re siblings.” I explained to her and she tentatively came out of the side room where she and Kelvin usually played.

“It’s nice to meet you both. I’m Hunter and this little guy is Rascal he’s my paladin.” He introduced himself and my sister looked at the bird that was perched on his shoulder.

“I’m Kelvin! The shy one is my older sister Kendra she doesn’t talk a whole lot to people that she isn’t comfortable with.” My new friend got down to my younger sister’s level with an understanding smile on his face.

“That’s okay. I hope that you know that you don’t have to be like everyone else in order to fit in. You just have to be yourself and somebody will want to be your friend.” He reminded her lightly pushing a lock of hair into her braid.

“That’s what I’ve been telling as well. She’s always been different and loves reading books unlike her brother. Kelvin is the one that we have to keep an eye on since he has the terrific tendency of getting into trouble.” My younger brother just looked a little bit sheepish down at his shoes that he was wearing where they weren’t tied.

“Come here, I’ll show you my trick…” I got down onto my brother’s level with a small smile on my face concentrating on tying his shoes for him.

“You make a loop de loop and pull…” I showed him so that he could do the other one which he did making me smile.

“Good job kiddo!” I supported him and Hunter looked at his shoes with an understanding smile. I got up from the floor balancing the three treats.

“Does Rascal eat food usually?” I offered him and the bird slowly crawled down his arm smelling the apple tart before nibbling at it.

“He likes apples, which I guess makes sense. Now what exactly am I looking at here?” I laughed a little bit showing him my cupcake.

“That is a double chocolate cupcake. It’s basically like two times the chocolate they are the cookies that I make for Amity usually. They’re chocolate cookies with chocolate chips inside of them. The frosting is tye die buttercream that has blue, green, and purple inside of it. Then I top that with a fondant crown, and a sour belt tail around it. We call it the Princess Mermaid cupcake.” I explained all the technicalities of the cupcake that was in front of him. He tentatively unwrapped the cupcake before trying it.

“That’s really good! I actually like the sour flavors a lot. It’s not as god as the cookies that you had with you earlier today but it’s still good.” He encouraged my love of making treats and I felt my heart seize up when he found a smidge of the frosting that landed on his thumb. People should not ever, ever be this cute. It’s hazardous to my health.

“So your paladin, I’ve been meaning to ask, where did you find a baby dragon? They’re really rare at least that’s what I’ve read.” I blushed a bright pink giving my dragon the crown and flew around in small circles.

“Well I made him myself using my magic. I wanted to make something myself that I had full creative freedom over. That our bond could be unique and special because nobody had ever done that before. They had only found ones that were already in existence. I asked Principal Bump and my teacher if that was allowed and they both agreed that they would love to see what I came up with. I named mine Figment. I wanted to do something using my imagination to bring something to life just like I do with my illusions. Except he isn’t an illusion he’s actually tangible. That’s what makes him so special. It took me a lot of trial and error but eventually I was able to give him his own personality and his own special interests.” I explained about my new friend that I had made to the boy across from me who looked at me in awe.

“That is so cool! Oh my titan so you made yours completely out of your own head? Nobody helped you?” I shook my head shrugging my shoulders with a small smile. To me it wasn’t anything nearly that special it was just something that I was passionate about.

“I’ve always been a really creative type of person especially about the things that I know a lot about. I know a lot about my magic, my hobbies mostly baking and sewing, and I’m super into animation. I’ve always been fascinated how you can create something like that and bring it to life. I found my first Disney movie in the trashcan here. It was Sleeping Beauty. Ever since then that’s been one of my favorite movies. Now that I’m a bit older I love watching cheesy horror movies and non cheesy ones.” I reasoned why part of me would always be interest in the way that magic worked.

“I’ve only seen a couple with Luz because she’s still trying to introduce me to the genre of animation. She wants to show me something called anime next. I have no idea what that means for me but I just hope that it isn’t a bad thing.” I laughed at the boy that was planning to spend some quality time with his sister as I settled into the cushy soft booth behind me.

“So I’ve been wondering, how exactly did that happen? How did you meet Luz and Eda?” A small smile appeared on Hunter’s face as he talked about his adopted sister and mom.

“I had found them on an island when they were trying to track down some mythical creature to make big money. I was just out there doing my job. My uncle… he wanted me to set them back a few paces and that’s what I tried to do. It didn’t go as I originally planned. But that’s how I met my family and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It was like I instantly knew that there was something special about them. Especially Luz. I always wanted a sibling that I could share my interests with. It just so happens that I got lucky and my sister is also a huge nerd. ” I laughed openly at his description of Luz since that was really accurate to how I saw her as well.

“Can I ask you something though? I don’t want to come off as rude or anything but what pronouns do you go by? What’s your sexuality?” I blushed a light pink knowing that this was coming thumbing over the end of my frilly blue apron.

“I have they/them pronouns. I started off male, I was just your average gay cis male. But once I started taking potions classes and I learned about cosmetics I got really into the idea of makeup. Shortly after that came well me wanting to wear skirts and dresses. I thought that there was something wrong with me at first. I came across a book in the library about gender. I looked at the book and saw that it talked about a gender identity called gender fluid. It’s basically where you feel male some days and female somedays. It all depends on the mood that you wake up in that day.” I explained my sexuality and gender to the boy across from me and he just nodded his head understandingly.

“That made perfect sense to me. I think that it suits you really well because you have a very feminine sense of self. But you still have masculine characteristics as well.” My younger sister looked up at me and I patted the seat next to me.

“You can sit up her too witchling hold on one second. I’ve got to help her up.” I picked her up and lightly sat her down when my mom came over to our table.

“Do you want anything else Hunter? A hot chocolate maybe?” She offered and I watched my friend’s head tilt to the side.

“Hot-what now?” I laughed at him nodding my head since I had wanted one as well and my younger sister probably did as well.

“It’s a chocolate beverage that’s warmed milk with chocolate. But we make ours fresh in house you’ll love it I just know it. It’s so good.” I bragged and my mom just threw me a wink and a thumbs up from behind her as she got us some cocoa to drink while we talked.

“Do you go to school yet Kendra?” Hunter asked my younger sister who nodded her head hesitantly. She kicked her legs back and forth squeezing her stuffed animal with a small smile on his face.

“I do. I don’t really like it though. The kids are mean and bully me because I don’t have any friends yet.” I squeezed her hand with a small smile of understanding. She had been through so much of what I had to deal with when I was her age and the empathy that I had felt for her was unreal.

“I’m sorry to hear about that. I wasn’t able to make friends until recently either. It takes time to figure out the good ones the ones that aren’t going to hurt you like others have. That hurt doesn’t go away either you have to learn to live with it. Thankfully you’re still young and you have plenty of time to make friends with your classmates and people around your age.” He reasoned with my younger sister who’s eyes welled up with thankfulness and emotion.

“How did you get that scar?” She asked him pointing to his face and I lightly looked at my younger sister sighing.

“You don’t have to tell her that. Princess we’ve talked about this, you can’t just ask people things like that. You have to remember what thoughts aren’t seen as polite and that you should keep to yourself. I know that it isn’t your fault that you’ve struggled with that sort of thing for a long time. I did too. It’s alright though sweetheart I understand what you’ve been through. I was the same when I was your age.” He shook his head with a small understanding smile on his face. He squeezed my sister’s hand as he looked at her his magenta eyes filled with emotional turmoil.

“It’s a battle scar that I got that made me stronger despite the person that gave it to me. I got from somebody that I thought that I could trust but he stabbed me in the back.” My sister gasped and her eyes filled with tears.

“I’m sorry mister I didn’t mean to bring you back unpleasant memories…” She apologized genuinely and Hunter just waved his hand with a small smile.

“Don’t worry about Kendra it’s okay. You didn’t know any better and you’re just a kid you shouldn’t know what that experience is like.” Hunter reminded her lightly and his words were genuine despite not knowing my sister very well.

“Are you happier staying with miss Eda and Luz?” He nodded his head with a small laugh as he rubbed the cheek of Rascal.

“It’s definitely a lot more entertaining than I’m used to. The whole house is chaotic so I’m just trying to adjust and keep my head above the water at the moment. I love having them around now they’re good people especially Eda. She didn’t need to take me in but she still did. I don’t think even she knows what that meant to me. It’s the fist time that I’ve had a real family. All my life I haven’t had anybody around me but myself. It was a lonely childhood but I think that things are finally starting to look up to a not so lonely teenage years and adult years.” He reasoned and I smiled softly at him as my mom came delivering our drinks to us winking at me.

“I like the Owl Lady she’s funny. Sometimes she comes here and gets sweets for Luz and King. King is my favorite he’s cute like a little demonic puppy.” My younger mentioned with a small laugh kicking her legs back and forth as she colored in her coloring book that she had with her.

“You’re very good at coloring in the lines Kendra, do you like coloring?” She nodded her head a little bit nervously about the mention of her passion.

“I love coloring it’s one of the few things that gives me complete control over what I can and can’t do. Creating things has always been one of my favorite passions. Mom says that it’s going to get me into potions magic when I get older. What kind of magic do you have?” I felt the little bit of anxiety for my friend come creeping back up my spine.

“Kendra love, he doesn’t have magic. He can’t use it at all. He uses glyphs the same way that Luz does. Has she been teaching you?” I asked him and he nodded his head tentatively. He smiled watery at me thankful that he didn’t have to answer that.

“I’ve been getting better at them the more that I practice like anything else in the world. You work hard at something and you practice even harder to get what you want.” Kendra looked at him in this state of awe and wonder for the boy that taught himself to do magic.

“I’m still too young to have any magical talent at all. I hope that I get it soon. Then I can use that magic to help people.” Hunter looked over at what she was coloring and I saw a curious expression on his face. She had the coloring book that I made for her with my designs since her favorite movie from the human realm wasn’t common.

“What are you drawing?” He asked her curiosity peaked as she stuck her tongue out and colored in the fairy’s green eyes.

“So her favorite thing right now is this Irish trilogy of movies from the human realm The Secret Of Kells, Song Of The Sea, and Wolf Walkers. Even more than Disney that’s what she’s really interested in. I’ve always been a decent enough artist and for her birthday I made her coloring books for all three films. That’s her Secret Of Kells book. What she’s coloring is her favorite character Aisling. She’s a fairy that can transform into a wolf. Maybe Luz knows about she at least knows about Wolf Walkers because she showed that one to her.” I explained the background of what my sister happened to be coloring in as Hunter looked at the page in surprise.

“That’s amazing that you actually made that all by yourself Kenneth. It’s clear that you love your sister otherwise you wouldn’t have gone through all that effort in order to make something that she’d enjoy. What about your brother? What does he like doing?” I smiled softly at my younger brother that was on the floor building something with his LEGOS.

“He loves superheroes at the moment that’s stuck around for a really long time. He has a lot of fun with those because you can pretty much do anything with that. My sister takes more after me with her interests when I was younger. I loved movies, I loved imagining things, and I loved coloring. That was how I got my creative energy out when I was younger was I colored. Now that I’m a lot older I feel more creative freedom as to what I can’t and can do.” My younger sister finished coloring in the green eyes of her character and moved onto her gray dress.

“You’ll have to show me those movies sometime Kendra. I love finding new forms of art.” My sister looked up in surprise that my friend wanted anything to do with her interest that she found to be so carbon copy.

“Are you sure?” He nodded his head in affirmation with a small smile gracing his features. My sister packed up her things and went scampering up the stairs.

“She’s probably going to go and find the first one right now. You should tell Eda not to expect you back for some time. I think you just walked into a landmine. I’ll try to get her to only show you one but I make you no promises that she’ll follow through with it.” I teased and my new friend just laughed at what he had gotten himself into.

“Well I’d rather spend more time with you if I’m being really honest. I want to know you better Kenneth. Something about you is fascinating to me.” My cheeks flushed a bright pink for the first time since I put up my illusion.

“Umm you have frosting everywhere.” I blushed an even brighter pink wishing that this chair would just do me a favor and swallow me whole.

“I got into a frosting fight with my boyfriend before you got here. You flustered me and my defensive illusion fell. I’m sorry I look like such a mess right now.” I apologized and my friend just shook his head at me scooting over to my area.

“It’s alright you don’t look like a mess in the slightest. Here, it’s actually not that bad.” He looked at me face and managed to get rid of the frosting.

“There it really wasn’t all that bad Kenny. Sorry! I heard Amity calling you that earlier.” I nodded my head with a small smile.

“I found that when I transitioned it was easier for me to shorten my name to nicknames. I don’t mind my full name it’s just that I like it to be shortened. I didn’t want to say anything because it’s just kind of awkward to talk about.” He shook his head at me and I old see the varying emotions in his magenta eyes glancing at me sympathetically.

“It doesn’t have to be awkward not if you’re happy with yourself. If you’re happy then who else cares?” The way that was worded reminded me so much of how Edric reasoned with my anxiety of not being perfect.

“The way that you worded that reminded me so much of my boyfriend. It’s kind of adorable. Sometimes I need to be comforted about the silliest of things.” I rubbed the back of my neck my tying my hair into a better ponytail to keep it out of my face.

“Did you grow up watching the older Disney movies? What was your favorite other than Sleeping Beauty?” I laughed a little bit getting the book off of the shelf that was next to me showing it to him.

“Alice In Wonderland was my childhood favorite. It was the one that I watched the most because my parents prefer classic Disney. My sister is still the biggest Frozen fan so I’ve had to watch that movie way too many times over the last decade. It’s my curse.” I joked and he just laughed openly at the idea that I would always be there for my younger sister.

“Just because you’re a good older sibling doesn’t mean that you’re cursed to have to watch the same girly movie over and over again. I think that the message is really good. I still need to see a lot of the classic ones. Could you show them to me?” I nodded my head with a bright smile on my face at the idea of introducing him to the things that I had grown up with.

“The original animated film is the best keep the live action one’s away from me. I hate them. They tried to make them too serious and that’s not what this is. It’s chaotic and unique I get to pick the next book to read to my siblings and this is the one that I want to read to them.” I felt Hunter slowly start to shift a little bit closer to me.

“There’s something that I should tell you…” He looked down a little bit nervously and I blinked in confusion.

“You can tell me anything that you need to. As long as it doesn’t make you uncomfortable hun.” I encouraged him letting the pet name slip this time without fighting it back down again.

“I think I really like you. More than I should like a friend and I don’t know how to approach the topic because you’re clearly in love with your boyfriend.” I hugged my new friend with a small smile on my face.

“Oh hun I get that. That’s why I bailed so quickly on you earlier today. I had to talk to Edric about how far this all could go. I care about you too more than I should probably considering that before today I thought that I had only room in my heart for one idiot. Only to find that there was another one out there that surprised me. I want to be there for you in any capacity that you’ll allow for me to be. Whether that be as your friend while you get your bearings or something more once you get more comfortable with whatever you want me to be. I know that I don’t want you to meet Ed until you know what you want. He’s tried to get me to give him your phone number but I don’t want him to scare you off. He can be… a lot on a person and he’s just got a lot of chaotic energy and forgive me if I just want to be selfish and keep you to myself for as long as I can.” I felt new friend hug me as he leaned his head against my shoulder with a small smile.

“I want to be something more than friends with you I know that much. But I also want to wait until we’re better friends if that makes any sense at all. Is that okay with you?” I nodded my head knowing that it would be difficult for me to not just simply bundle him up in a blanket and keep him protected from the rest of the world.

“That’s perfectly alright with me. I won’t lie and say that it won’t be a challenge for me. I’ve always been the type to just go with the first emotion that I feel which usually isn’t good.” Hunter just laughed softly against my shoulder.

“I appreciate it. I’m still adjusting to having a normal life and it would be nice to have some sort of normal before I decide that I want to make a big life decision and start dating the most amazing person that I’ve ever met in my entire life.” My cheeks flushed a bright pink. Keep it together Kenny you can do this who cares if he’s the cutest boy that you’ve ever seen?

“I knew that I’d probably have to wait until you were more comfortable which is also why I’m trying to keep you away from Ed. See with my magic is I can replicate images of people and also save people’s voices to little places with my powers. Usually I save little things. Want to hear Edric’s genuine laugh?” He nodded his head excitedly and I used my summoning to summon the sound that I loved so much when I got to hear it.

“Oh my Titan that is the cutest thing that I’ve ever heard in my entire life…” I couldn’t help but smile softly at the fondness of that sound lighting me up inside.

“He’s a snorter when he laughs and it’s always adorable whenever I hear it. He rarely does it genuinely unless he’s really tickled by something because his parents had to go and make him feel self conscious of it.” I sighed a little bit thinking about Ed’s relationship with his mom. Hunter pulled back from the hug and I instantly wanted to wrap him up again.

“He’s been through a lot too?” I nodded my head playing with the tablecloth beneath my fingers taking a sip from my now cooling cocoa.

“This is the best thing that I’ve ever tasted… I used to just live off of black coffee.” I gagged feeling my reflex coming on really strong.

“You’ve got to add things to coffee Hunter. You can’t just drink it straight up because that’s disgusting. Haven’t you ever tried a mocha? You add hot chocolate mix to your coffee.” I asked him and he shook his head animatedly.

“That sounds amazing. I’ll have to take your idea and try it the next time that Eda gets coffee for Luz and I. She has to get decaf because Luz on caffeine.” He shuddered at the horror story and I laughed openly at the idea.

“I can imagine that’s a story that I would love. I love crazy Luz stories. That sounds like Ed and Em on a sugar high which is an absolute nightmare to manage. They get into even more trouble with sugar in their system. It’s why I can’t give them more than one treat whenever they come in. If it’s big they have to share it and give a majority of it to Amity. You’ll hear him call her Mittens quite a bit. That’s the family nickname for her. I call her it sometimes as well to mess with her.” I hummed the song that was playing over the radio today. It was one of my favorite older country songs by Johnny Cash, Ballad Of A Teenage Queen.

“Are you good at singing?” I nodded my head with a small smile on my face. Everyone that I’ve ever come into contact with told me that I was a good singer and I sang a lot to help Kendra and Kelvin get to sleep at night.

“I love singing I always have it’s one of my favorite things to do. Singing my siblings to sleep has always been something that I’ve done. I do it every night they curl up and listen to me sing. They still share a bedroom but we’ve been talking about them moving into separate bedrooms for the future. They’re almost six now so they should have their own spaces to be happy.” Hunter leaned against my side listening to my rambling about my siblings.

“I’m painting their bedrooms as well. I haven’t decided what to do for Kendra’s maybe something garden related? She really loves the outdoors.” He entwined his fingers with mine and I couldn’t help but melt into the touch.

“I’m sure that whatever you design for her that she’ll love it either way because her older sibling is the one that put forth all the hard work and effort to make her happy.” He reminded me lightly and I sighed a little bit into the touch of his caring nature.

“Is this okay?” I nodded my head with a small smile on my face. Affection was something that I always soaked up like water to a sponge. I could never get enough of it.

“It’s perfect thank you for being so supportive. Is there a particular reason that you came to the shop so quickly?” I asked him out of sheer curiosity and he just blushed a light pink looking down at his shoes a little bit.

“Well it’s because I just really wanted to see you and spend more time with you. You interested me in a way that nobody ever really has before. You intrigued me and I wanted to know more about you, about your family and what they did. I thought that if I did I’d find out what it was about you that fascinated me so much. Only to find out that your whole family is just full of this unique energy to them. You all understand each other and the needs of everyone in the family.” I laughed a little bit because my family was crazy and he just didn’t know that.

“You might think that now but my parents are kinda goofy I’m just giving you the heads up. You probably think that I’m just joking or whatever but no I’m being totally serious. They make up their own songs the whole nine yards. I just hope that are never around when they do that.” I warned him about the sheer insanity that happens in our kitchen from time to time. My entire family was just full of this concentrated quirkiness that we had to get out someway but never really knew how to do so.

“I actually really want to see that mostly to see if you do the same thing.” I flushed a bright pink nodding my head tentatively. Sometimes my mom would start singing her own made up song and I’d take it from there.

“I probably shouldn’t have told you that. When Ed found out he basically never let me live that down. It’s so embarrassing but he gets entertainment out of it. I’ll have to put you a chair in the kitchen so that maybe you could keep me company while I work. Ed has his own and I should make one for you.” I played with my index fingers a little bit and I saw his small smile.

“I’d really like that. I can distract you with my own rambling according to Luz I can be quite the bookworm.” I laughed a little bit at the idea of Hunter getting engrossed into something because the thought just seemed so adorable and cute. I could picture him rambling about whatever he was reading about magic related and my heart warmed at the thought of it.

“I’m a rambler too so I get that feeling. It’s hard when you’re the only one that does it because you eventually worry that people tune you out. Thankfully Luz is a rambler too so you can do it together.” I encouraged him and he just laughed at me a soft but at the same time open sound.

“Yeah that’s the plus side to it, does your sister do it?” I nodded my head with a small smile thinking about my younger sister who was probably debating which of the movies to show Hunter first.

“She does but she’s still kind of learning what words mean what so her rambling is really cute. She’s a lot like me when I was that age so I’m a bit closer to her than I am to Kelvin. Sometimes I don’t know how to relate to him or how to be a good older sibling to him.” I heard Kendra’s call from upstairs that she had the movie ready.

“It looks as though we’re being summoned. Come on you can take your drink with you. I’ll carry it the stairs can be quite treacherous.” I referenced one of my favorite movies to watch around Halloween and when I heard his laugh. Not the quiet one but one that I heard earlier the open one where his shoulders shook with humor.

“Luz showed me that movie it was one of her favorite’s that she would always watch with her mom. It was really, really funny. I was going to ask if you had ever seen it since it is your style of movie. That kind of cheesy horror movie that you mentioned earlier.” Rascal flew behind him and I couldn’t help but smile softly at the two of them.

“Do you know how Rascal got his scar?” He nodded his head and I looked at him curiously as I carried our drinks up the stairs.

“He had an abusive master before me. He never told who but I guess we had that in common and that’s why he picked me.” He shrugged it off like it was nothing but my heart went out to him and all the sorrow that he had seen.

“I’m sorry for all that you’ve both been through.” His smile even though it was soft it was still something that made my heart light.

“It’s okay. I’m getting through it just like everybody else does that struggles with the same pain that I did. I’m not alone anymore. I have Luz, I have Eda, and I have you now.” He grinned boyishly at me as we walked up the stairs together. My cheeks flushed a bright pink but I just led him up to the couch where Kendra had her mug on the tray in front of her. I put ours next to hers and made sure that everyone knew who’s was who’s. Hunter leaned against the back of the couch as his eyes widened at what he saw on the screen. I hoped privately that it wouldn’t be the last time that I’d get to see him with stars in his eyes.

[b0oker18]

On the anniversary of ‘My Struggle IV’ I have many thoughts:

I became a fan of The X Files in 2008 when I saw ‘I want to believe’ on DVD. When I watched it I fell in love with Mulder and Scully and the strange universe that they lived in. Long story short over the next few months I watched every episode, then I watched them again and then again (and then again). Not only did I fall in love with M and S but I fell in love with the Mythology, the MOTW, and the themes of science and religion. I’m such a big fan I even (sort of) defend seasons 8 and 9 (I am very much aware of all the problems with both seasons ok lol).

I was so enthralled with this journey that these two lovely people had together! And you know what? I was somewhat happy to leave them and never see them again after ‘I want to believe’ While we didn’t get all the answers like colonization, William, etc. I was ok with that! I even had my own elaborate head canon of what happened after ‘I want to believe’. Basically it involved Gibson getting into contact with M and S to tell them that the colonists had left Earth because William was normal now (so colonization would never happen) and it also involved Mulder writing a series of memoirs that gave him a renewed sense of purpose in life, but maybe I’ll get into it another time cuz it’s a lot lol.

Anyway, one day in 2015 (I think) season 10 was officially announced and I was very happy! I thought finally we were getting closure! Then the Mulder and Scully breakup rumors came out and I knew we were in trouble, but I still wanted to give it a chance. Then Chris Carter called the “revival” series a “reimagining” and again I thought we were in trouble, but I still wanted to give it a chance.

I remember the night ‘My Struggle I’ aired. The Files fandom was SO excited and so was I. I remember loving it! Sure the entire mythology was flushed down the toilet and sure Mulder and Scully were broken up and none of things made any sense, but we got 5 more episodes! The mythology will go somewhere and Mulder and Scully will get back together. None of things happened and I felt horrible! Season 10 is the worst season of The X Files in my opinion. But I didn’t think the show would come back and somehow it was easy for me to ignore and I did for a while.

A year or so later Season 11 was announced and again the hype got to me! Finally we will get the answers to the shows original mythology and finally Mulder and Scully will get back together (noticing a theme here). Then ‘My Struggle III’ aired and it sucked! Haha. But then ‘This’ aired and OMG Dana Scully and Fox Mulder are back together as a romantic couple again! Hooray!!!! 🥳🥳🥳🎉Nope! they weren’t. 😞But that’s ok cuz next week Mulder and Scully will have sex, twice! Then the episode aired and while the episode was somewhat entertaining, it had what I feel is the single worst Mulder and Scully scene in the history of the show. Im sorry but that bed scene was horrendous! It was like two high schoolers talking about if they would still love each other after graduating. These two characters have WAY to much personal history to have any conversation even remotely like that. But they had sex twice and you know HYYYYPPPEEE ZOMGS they did it.... twice!! 😱😱😱.

‘Ghoulie’ was good but William is like a shape shifting monster now or something??? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But dear god the acting of Gillian Anderson was TOP notch! So you know MORE HYYYPPPE!!!

‘Nothing Lasts Forever’ was kinda boring but that ending!!!! They are back together!!!! They are talking about their regrets and letting them go!!!!! YAY!!!! HYYYYPPPEEE level over 9000!! But that shit should’ve happened WAY sooner. And is as fans deserve to know what Scully whispered.

Then we get to ‘My Stuggle IV’. We got car chases! We got Mulder shooting like 20 people! We got Scully doing.... stuff! We got Chris Carter doubling down on William not being the true son of Mulder! But who cares SCULLY IS PREGGOOOSSSSS!!!😱😱😱😱. Greatest series finale EVERRRRR.!!! I got the Mulder and Scully happy ending I have always wanted y’all! Ty Chris Carter!!! 🥳🥳🎉🎉🥳

Yeah, I thought that way for months. Then I walked away from the show for a year or so and I honestly didn’t think much of it! Then the “revival” came back into my conscience. My “revival” HHYYPPEE brain had left me. I started objectively thinking about the revival. Literally nothing made any sense. Mulder and Scully are back in the FBI in there 50’s? With no training? As Mulder is clinically depressed?? Mulder just believes some random person that alien colonization is all bull shit and it was all evil white dudes? This man has been lied to his entire life yet he just believes? That ain’t my Mulder. Where was all that character development from the original series? It certainly wasn’t in Chris Carter’s show bible (I think only a few people will understand that joke lol).

I don’t want to make this post much longer so what I’m trying to get at is the revival as a whole was noting more than a soft reboot. That REALLY bothered me for months when I came back to this show. It’s so goddamn disrespectful to the original fandom. There are still so many fans that care about the original mythology and Mulder and Scully, we wanted to see both progress into new and interesting ways. Instead it’s all burnt down to the ground. Sure Mulder and Scully are cute in the revival series, but what’s it really worth when they aren’t truly together. I get the show needs angst, but at what cost? Breaking them up is the easy way out. That shit hurt me. Same with the mythology, Carter just deletes all of it so he can tell a story that would connect to a new audience. Instead it pissed off just about everyone.

I’ll never, ever begrudge any fan for loving the revival. Actually I’m a little envious, but now that I look at it objectively I just can not reconcile the new Mulder and Scully we got and the new mythology that were being told. So for me the “true” X Files ended after ‘I want to Believe’. Mulder is writing his books, finding his new purpose in life. Scully is still working as a doctor helping children get better. Colonization will never happen and William will have a happy life with his loving adoptive parents. Sure maybe the rest of Mulder and Scullys life may be rather dull. But in my heart of hearts it’s what I believed they longed for, it’s what I longed for after I first saw ‘I Want to Believe’. So I’ll give it to them, they deserve it. I’ll love this show forever. 💜

[ilkkawhat]

Any tips for first time writers? Specifically any tips and tricks for writing CSI stories and the Nick/Greg ship? Trying to stay in character and make the story interesting like a show episode instead of a boring text procedural is hard.

lmao as someone who is forever insecure about my own writing when it comes to keeping the characters in character, I think something to keep in mind is that you may view a character differently than someone else--and sometimes those views align with others, and most of the time it's better than what's presented in canon, and it can be really difficult to get confident about that, but I think that creating anything, even if it's not just writing--drawing, giffing, photo edits, etc, you do know and love that character enough to bring them to life under your hands and it's something that's just so like, poetic about keeping these characters alive, even if the show offed them or the show is cancelled, in these works (honestly the song "poet" by bastille says this best imo) and you may end up discovering parts of yourself as you explore these characters in depth, you'll learn more about them, too, and the more you write, the more confidence you will gain

but be weary of the validation trap (says someone who falls into it literally every time I post a fic)--do not rely on comments and feedback to let you know you're doing it "right." the fact that you're getting thoughts into words onto paper is good enough, and you are good enough and even if you don't end up sharing it, you still did something special that nobody else has done before, and that, is amazing!

I'm not gonna lie, a huge weakness of mine that I feel I've known ever since I started writing CSI fic is that I really don't do well in making cases for the CSIs to work on--and even when I do, the case is usually forgotten by the end of the fic and I end up just kinda focusing on the emotions between the characters and describing their feelings and actions the best I can and unfortunately the plot sometimes suffers because of that.

I guess it really depends on what you want out of your story--do you want a really intriguing case and basically make an episode of CSI, or do you want to kind of bend out of the procedural drama, and just write something fluffy like Nick/Greg going on a roadtrip or something actiony like them getting into some sort of trouble? (as I often do lmao)

Something that does always help me when I do decide I want an actual like, "plot" to the fic beyond just playing around with the characters and making them do things or experience things is that I'll make myself a very flexible outline--which I will admit, at times, does kinda drain the fun out of the actual writing part but I found that I'll try to write chapters/fics in segments in this way, like I'll have the start of a fic, and then when I feel like I need to break but want to write what I got going next, I'll have something in brackets like: [Self deprecation at home/drinking, evil Nick in the mirror?] (for agony), and sometimes maybe a bigger summary, and sometimes less to just kinda remind myself of what I wanted to accomplish with a fic

BUT know that there are gonna be things that pop up sometimes. twists that come to you halfway through a fic--or if you're lucky, you'll find that your reader friends will kinda give you a twist to add in (my fic Last Breath is the greatest example of this--I originally was gonna do like, 12 chapters but then @dannilea said "HEY MK GIVE NICK AMNESIA" and then the fic got doubled in length lmao) so don't feel confined to any sort of outline. go with the flow, go with what feels right for you.

I know it's a lesson I'm still learning myself, but do not pressure yourself with these sorts of things. there are no deadlines. you're not doing anything wrong. if you don't like something you wrote? don't delete it (i've deleted so many things--fics, my entire blog, old art and gifs I did and it's one of my biggest regrets that I carry with me and god...it just hurts) but don't be afraid to tweak, re-write or rework if you need to--I know ao3 has an option where you can even say something is a "remix" of another work if you write a fic and then somewhere down the line, decide to expand on it or change it up? (I think it's meant for that at least, I haven't done that sort of thing....yet)

and that's another thing--you'll always be learning new things as you keep writing. I've been writing since I was like, twelve years old. Had a long ass depressive gap (though I did still write some things, just not...as intensely as I used to) before I came back to the CSI fandom (which I never felt I contributed to before, when I joined tumblr I posted some caps but that was about it, it really wasn't until 2018 that I started giffing and writing and three years later lmao here we are!) and there are just hard lessons you do learn--like I said, the validation trap and pressure and all of that

but motivation wise, something I've been (trying) to do is write at least 100 words per day. Doesn't have to be a specific fic, doesn't have to be anything I intend to make a fic, but just...getting the words flowing. But again, no pressure, because I recently had another depressive bout and went 33 days without writing and it climaxed to me having another mental breakdown swearing I was never gonna write again and damn near deleting everything and giving up.........only to start writing again the next day (and full disclosure, I did have a friend helping me literally every day with that and if they read this, I hope they know how forever grateful I am that they convinced me to keep going and I would not actually be here without them)

You will need to recharge, you will need to be mindful of outside stresses that may be impacting your creative energies. And sometimes, you can try doing things not relating to writing at all. Make a playlist of songs that make you think about the fic; if you can, draw or make photo edits of the fic. find a friend to bounce ideas off of--so many of my fics were enriched by that, I can't even begin to list them all lol.

But above all, again, just know that what you're writing is unique to you, nobody else will be able to write the way you do, and that is just...so special. writing can be difficult, it's exhausting, it's a thankless job at times but when those words start clicking together and your fingers just keep typing/writing, you'll just kinda get this like, rush like nothing I've ever been able to match.

and lmao I know you said specifically CSI and Nick/Greg and feel like I got sidetracked--but the great thing about CSI is I feel like you'll have excuses to put them in situations given their line of work, but like I said before, you can bend out of the genre a little bit. Have Nick and Greg go on a vacation, or make an AU (even something as wild as a sci-fi AU--honestly Specimen Stokes is the most fun I've had in writing the past three years) or if you do want to stick to canon, and don't want to make a whole new case or elaborate on the details--play with an established episode. If there was a Nick focused episode, what was Greg doing and vice versa? Did they talk about things afterwards, or did something happen leading up to the episode that made them act a certain way around each other?

I'll honestly find inspiration also just watching the episodes--something I've been doing in these past few months of my rewatch is making little ficlets about the episode, like I wrote one about Nick and Greg post 6x02 elaborating on the breathplay that Greg hinted about earlier in the episode, or I made a revenge fic for 14x12 where that douchey abusive husband went after Nick, etc. So sometimes it helps to dive back into canon and play in that sandbox too

I hope these tips can help get you started and honestly, don't feel obligated to agree or do any of these things I listed above. We all have different ways of going about writing, and it is just one big learning process and something I don't think I'm ever gonna perfect or master in any sort of way--(not to say I think I'm the worst writer in the world but I just...try to humble myself and not believe I'm the best or better than anybody else cause that's part of the validation trap, you get those ideas in your head and then it can destroy you when you realize you're definitely not)--and there will be times you get heavily discouraged, but...you just gotta keep going. keep pushing. find outside encouragement, but don't rely on it. practice a lot of self care and don't pressure yourself to finish or share or write more than you think you can. just...let it come, and enjoy the ride

I honestly feel like I'm one of the least qualified to say all of these things, but I really do hope it helps and hey, you already got one cheerleader, me, who will be excited to read whatever you share!

[in-tua-deep]

tua rewatch with the roommate

Episode five

Oh fuck the “I found you. all your bodies.” scene

“We died?” “Horribly.” throwback to the ben convo o o f

“If perfectly arranged under rubble and otherwise unharmed counts as ‘horribly”’  - roommate

I like that Diego says he’s going to kill Hazel and Cha-Cha like it’s a challenge?? lol five doesn’t care if they live or die he only cares if u do you big dumbass

“Well I know none of the main characters die bc there’s a season 2... and i’m pretty sure they’re all in s2... like all of the family?”

I mean luther is kind of valid for being frustrated that five didn’t share about the apocalypse but also like,,, the first person five told about it (Vanya) suggested he might be insane. so. i can understand some reluctance on his part on top of the whole “the last time my siblings fought this the Whole World Died Including Them i would like them as far away from apocalypse stuff as possible”

okay okay so five says “they turned me into the perfect instrument” so do y’all think that implies experimentation like in the comics or ????

all i can think about during the kennedy scene though is my high school history teacher. he went over the assassination in intimate detail and i’m pretty sure he was writing a book about it and everything. mr. hansen if you’re out there - 

i like feral beard five more than mustache five tbh if i’m picking 

“Someone ELSE shot the president? Was he supposed to shoot kennedy or was he supposed to kill the person who shot kennedy?” - Roommate

love that five tells luther to grow up over murder,,, though to be valid pretty sure they did actually murder people as kids SO. grow down?

fuck i love mary,, will you love me like you loved me in the january rain??? just shoot me in the heart

GOD rob is such a good actor

“wait a second... how is he wearing pants?” oh roommate you have a big storm coming

i have some serious questions about the commission and their methods of communication. where do?? the tubes come from? where do they go after?

Allison: i have a bad feeling [about leonard]

where are these instincts for everything else tho??? her marriage?

“Vanya. she really is trying to look out for you. i really would trust her. you could invite her to come along so she can see he’s perfectly fine??” - Roommate, whose instincts regarding not trusting leonard-harold are spot on

apparently my roommate knows people who put salt in their coffee. i have. so many questions.

“That’s suspicious?? that’s suspicious right?? did he do that? is he a secret serial killer? is he a FUCKING secret serial killer?” roommate when they talk about helen cho going missing

“What do you mean stop showing up it’s been like. a day” - I mean. the roommate has a point. 

Klaus’s depression bath is a mood :(

did klaus put eye shadow on before his bath or did he get his hands on eye shadow in vietnam?? the questions that will never be answered

Five is so enthusiastic about having someone who understands... he doesn’t even notice absolutely Not Being In The Mood,, klaus is grieving and five is just like !!! where did you go!!!! like it was a vacation

klaus: yeah i’m ten months older now. when i’m done being depressed i will lord that over diego for the rest of our natural lives.

does five write in all caps all the time?? why? 

roommate: I wonder what the upper size limit on the knives her can use. like is it machete length? forearm length? what are the limits on his powers. if he sharpened a very sharp mechanical pencil could he use it? if he sharpened a piece of the chandelier? at what point does something become a knife?

me: could he hurl mia (my cat)? mia and her knife feet?

allison also writes in all caps to write leonard’s address

we stan agnes and hazel in this household

“I never said we didn’t !! i just thought she was just a random extra in the first episode and every time we cut away i think that’s the last we’ve seen of her” - roommate because i keep saying that this is an agnes stan household

“OH THERE’S THE PATCHWORK COAT i was afraid it didn’t come back” - okay though good question he definitely didn’t have the coat on the bus. what is it with klaus and his magically appearing coat????

oh :(  oh klaus :(  every time klaus is sad i am also sad :(

honestly a family conversation IS the threat in this family

god though this random vet in this bar is actually an asshole though like. klaus doesn’t owe him shit. klaus served. he’s clearly having a moment with the photo. that could have been a family member or something who died i don’t even know

agnes: i’m a twitcher :)

“like a twitch streamer?” -Roommate

PLEASE give me twitch streamer!Agnes au

look i just enjoy hazel and agnes

roommate: honey you’re too young for her

me: NO DON’T BE MEAN TO THEM,,, agnes deserves a boytoy

“does diego drive a manual?” my roommate once again focusing on things that i do not

five: i have to find the people whose deaths could save the timeline

my roommate: is it agnes?? is he going to kill agnes????

i’m still laughing about that fact that luther is holding dolores.... over the fire escape... she couldn’t drop that far lads

luther’s dumb sometimes but he does have some nice heart to hearts with his brother,,,, honestly he and five get along pretty well in the early episodes. kindred spirits. body dysmorphia and isolation squad.

my roommate has to keep remembering social media doesn’t exist in this universe

i am still confused as to why

that won’t stop me from giving everyone iphones and youtube accounts in my aus though

diego can curve ANYTHING he throws, usually knives, according to cha-cha’s research. but that doesn’t explain the spoilers i have seen about s2 sO

Klaus: You also told me that licking a nine volt battery would give me pubes

HOW DID I FORGET THAT LINE

oh diego got a bullet graze forgot about that as well?? does he ever get like. medical attention for that? diego?????

it really has been like. maybe two days since helen cho died. is no one??? concerned????? they just immediately jump into replacing her??????????????????? hellO? 

“very clear camera angles to show that this actress did not actually play the violin for this role” - i mean that’s fair but ellen is trying rip

me: who’s your favorite character so far?  roommate: that’s a tricky question. klaus is very entertaining to watch. allison is the most reasonable and i’m very interested to know, well, she seems like the best combination of reasonable and has the least selfish intentions. diego and luther i feel like are both good in a bland way in that they’re both doing good in the best way they can which usually involves punching people. five is fun. five is very fun. five is as fun to watch as klaus, they’re both very fun actors to watch on screen. they’re more expressive than diego and luther tend to be.  me: so which is your favorite?????  roommate: first instinct says allison, though she probably has the least dynamic or interesting arc so far

are hazel and cha-cha the best because their victims never see them coming?? like. they aren’t really THAT competent.

“I do LOVE the aesthetic of an ice cream truck playing ride of the valkyries” - my roommate is valid

“LOVE the hypersaturated background in this scene. it’s more fun that having it be desaturated.”

five looks so baby in this scene with the handler :(

still unsure where five got that handgun but i’m vibing

hate when she touches his face !! awful!!!

the handler’s little “all of them??” like yeAH ALL OF THEM even though they irritate the living FUCK out of each other. siblings man

ben gets shotgun for the getaway !!! go ben!

“I’m starting to think... given how space and reality seemed to be warping during her playing... that her medication... isn’t for anxiety...” - oh, oh roommate

ah i blocked out the leonard vanya make out as well

“DIDN’T YOU MEET HIM TWO DAYS AGO?” - yeah i feel u roommate

yup there’s helen’s body

“CSI call crime scene investigation - that’s going to start to smell real soon”

pogo: and you understand that the children can never know

me: actually pogo fuck you

and that’s episode 5 everyone thank you and goodnight

episode six

i do love a good flashback to klaus

klaus: sees a shirtless soldier and instantly falls in love

they don’T EVEN QUESTION HIM just “KATZ GET THIS MAN A PAIR OF PANTS” and they go with it?? he just APPEARED and they don’t even care

klaus was really just vibing in the 60s huh

wait this is like 1962 or 63 right

when does s2 take place?? also the 60s right???

didn’t kennedy die in 1963 i feel like what i know about s2 contradicts that date but i could have sworn they said a round trip to 1963??????

luther is SUCH A MOOD in the family briefing.

“aww he’s a bad liar” - roommate

“I realize that [the umbrella] was necessary for the title drop but where the fuck did that come from”

@ the handler please stop touching five,,, but also five has such. non reactions to her touching him. which worries me. like she grabs his shoulder walking alongside him and he doesn’t even look at her

why are there gas masks in the briefcase room...

can you IMAGINE if your boss toted a child into the room and introduced him as the Legendary Time Travelling Assassin that the whole office had a betting pool over who would die that one time and is Definitely approaching 60 not 13... and then called him LEADERSHIP MATERIAL. implying that this child will probably get a promotion before you do?? can you IMAGINE?

“again... two days ago...” roommate about leonard and vanya

vanya really chose literally just the worst time to come back to the academy huh

okay but vanya going off?? valid, but also,, i mean. it IS their dads fault that they don’t have any relationship with vanya?

luther: it’s about the moon  roommate: critical role moon theory

hey like. how did the family get together in the first timeline holy fuck. it’s hard enough to get them together when they Literally Know The World Is Going To End

so remember diego getting grazed with a bullet yeah well he has a sling on now which makes sense!! and yet. when five got grazed by a bullet he SLAPS A BANDAID ON IT. someone please address this.

five is such an asshole coworker i love it

i wonder if dot is a mother. or just a nice coworker. she keeps trying to talk to him and invite him to lunch aww

i wonder if it’s purposeful on the handler’s part to call him “mr. five” instead of “mr. hargreeves” to like... further isolate him from his family? by removing his last name they’re sort of removing his ties to his siblings considering it’s not like they’re related by blood

forgot how much i hate the bathroom scene !! wow !! hate it so much!!! there’s so many violations of social etiquette in such a short scene! it’s so deeply uncomfortable!

luther: stop it pogo! you know everything our dad did

i am remembering once again how much i hate pogo all over again!! reginald literally locked klaus in a mausoleum!! he abused the kids! pogo didn’t even speak up about sending luther to the MOON,,, oh luther :(

he just learned his dad exiled him for no reason he has lots of rights his entire world view was just shattered wow i am like infinitely more sympathetic to luther on the second watch

“I knew allison and luther was a thing. you told me allison and luther was a weird thing. still not a fan.” - my very valid roommate

they could have made the fort so much more sibling-y instead of romantic and it would have been so much better honestly

oh dave :(

“I wonder who her primary care physician is and if she can find out what that medication was...” roommate i wish i knew

“I’m trying to decide if he knew ahead to time to try and get at her specifically or like... i don’t know when he took the figurine I was like ‘doesn’t he own an antique shop is he there to steal antiques from the family home’.” roommate on leonard

forgot the handler gifted five a suit. also don’t like that. don’t like her talk about his body and everything either.

“is it too much to ask to give him two outfits? one he can wear now and one with the new body?” - roommate

honestly with hazel’s talk on budget cuts i’m not surprised he only gets one suit

STOP TOUCHING HIS FACE,,,, HANDLER. STOP TOUCHING HIS FACE

five and his sweet tooth. don’t take the candy five. come on. what did your father TEACH YOU. honestly reggie probably was like “let them get kidnapped it will probably teach them a life lesson”

“there were like... villages that needed rebuilding after disasters. he could have been sending these packages to legit lunar research facilities. legit facilities would have adored to have that information.” 

okay but people KNEW he was on the moon. cha-cha mentioned it. it was in vanya’s book. why were scientists not knocking down reginald’s door demanding the research??? if i was a moon scientist i would have the mansion staked out trying to demand info jesus

“love his eye fluttering in the way of ‘oh shit i got something in my eye i can’t break character scene is still going scene is stILL GOING’“ - hilarious observations from the allison luther fort scene 2.0: grown up version that gets erased

did they just leave the fort up all those years. did no one USE the green house??? did grace lovingly work around it all that time?

oh :(  dave :(

grace is capable of lying and pogo is a shadowy motherfucker

“okay now that they’re actually putting it into the plot i understand why you don’t think he’s trustworthy but you really got on my back about that”

in my defense i just hate him tbh i did not like him when he first showed up and i never particularly liked him tbh

allison: i think you’re the only person who knows who i am and likes me anyway

me, remembering the theory that allison rumored luther to love her: HMMMMMM

okay but i think the luther and allison dance scene is fucking HILARIOUS. absolutely ridiculous. i mean i hate that it’s incest but also the fucking LIGHTS DESCENDING. the RANDOM WARDROBE CHANGE. 

roommate likes the green underskirt thing under allison’s random dance dress

are they just doing this in public???

ugh. the kiss. ugh. erased that from my memory as well

“they clearly want romance in this show but they painted themselves into a corner with the siblings thing” - roommate

five and his fucking STAPLERS isn’t this the second time he’s knocked someone out with a stapler?? the bank robber and now gloria??

five please your siblings were finally doing some decent work on their own issues :/

five is the kind of dramatic as fuck entrances 

“love how he just grabs [allison’s] coffee. kid needs a coffee after all that.” - roommate

five actually does a good job of rallying the siblings though?? they just broke the fuck up in the og timeline

“something tells me that harold jenkins might be leonard”

oh roommate

episode seven

uh oh harold was born

i feel vaguely bad for him

“me the night before a convention” - roommate on harold’s tape and cosplay and everything

okay but how did reginald even KNOW harold jenkins had no powers?? did he? keep tabs on all the forty some kids not just the seven he kept?

but also why the fuck are these people laughing at An Actual Child fuck all of them honestly

“did HE kill hargreeves?? I mean. he’s got motive.” - roommate

harold really said “i think my superpower is actually this hammer motherfucker”

how did he get twelve years?? was he tried as an adult?? was he in juvie? how old WAS he

twelve years ago... they’re 29 soooo seventeen? he did NOT look seventeen? he was NOT seventeen in that flashback what???

roommate theorizes that harold ran off after the murder and committed petty crimes until caught and tried for murder when he was seventeen so was maybe 13 in the flashback

okay so i looked up the timeline and he got out in 2014 or something so he was like 13 in the flashback which makes SO much more sense honestly but also what the FUCK was he doing for five years

“he’s actually laying out all the facts as he knows them and I appreciate that.” -roommate about five briefing the team

five?? the only member of the family with communication skills? it’s? somehow more likely than you think?

“allison’s pants that she’s wearing now are the most perfectly tailored things i’ve ever seen. not even a wrinkle when she’s standing still. do you know how hard that is to do?” again my roommate noticing the things i absolutely do not

five. five. you have a GUT WOUND and also jumped a BUNCH OF TIMES. you are not blinking into the police station and getting the file. you need some SLEEP. and REST. and WOUND CARE FIVE FOR FUCK’S SAKE. you still have a GUNSHOT GRAZE on your upper arm and a SLICE on your wrist from DIGGING OUT A TRACKER. FIVE.

diego wants to be batman SO BAD.

five crossing his arms and Not Uncrossing Them because he’s literally HOLDING HIMSELF TOGETHER.

wow luther is really handling this so much worse in this timeline rip

luther is losing validity points for CHOKING KLAUS i knew this happened but i didn’t remember how awful it was !!! bad and terrible! and luther is very drunk and very sad and very angry. oh. he’s saying he never left the house and never had friends for nothing :(

klaus had the realization that reggie was an asshole YEARS ago and he’s just kind of like “aww. luther :(” 

klaus is trying so hard

“Klaus has had the most heart to hearts with the most siblings honestly.” - roommate

allison at the beginning making her laugh in the office with the EYES, five on the steps of meritech, diego after the vet bar, luther on the couch...

wow cha cha really thought hazel was talking about how meaningful his partnership was with her when he was talking about agNES

five limping up the lawn and staggering up the stairs and clinging to the rails baBY SIT DOWN. YOU ARE BLEEDING.

“inspiring leadership” “one of the greats” what a sibling moment honestly.

five really said “i think i will pass the fuck out now”

five really said “hey i am literally willing to die for this mission because this mission is the safety and lives of my entire family and i love you guys :(”

except he doesn’t because five is decent at information sharing but getting feelings out of him feels like pulling teeth at times smh

is leonard trying to vicariously live his “normal child born on the umbrella academy day discovers they have had powers the WHOLE TIME” dream through vanya??

we yell about how leonard and vanya have known each other for like a week but i mean same for hazel and agnes!! he’s literally asking her to run away with him and she says yes !!!!! agnes is here for the romantic adventure with this man she’s really living her first hot girl summer and living for it

“she’s having her own little rom com! she thinks she’s living in a rom com not a dark sci fi!” - roommate accurate as usual

she just called ben the emotional support ghost and i mean... she ain’t wrong

honestly klaus should have just left luther to his rave, he didn’t get to party in his teens or during his college years or anything

i do appreciate the viking yell of “B R O T H E R” that luther greets klaus with though because that’s exactly how i greet my own siblings whenever i see them

oh klaus :(

oh klaus :(

he’s having war flashbacks, cravings, is in withdrawal, AND experiencing sensory overload while reliving one of the more traumatizing moment of his life

oh klaus :(

five in a bed for the second time of the season which is nice for him. if only the first time wasn’t because he passed out drunk and the second time wasn’t because of a whole shrapnel wound. i am now that captain of the Let Five Sleep brigade holy SHIT like at least they imply that the others sleep five is just feral and ready to go at all times

are the police allowed to just. remove someone’s arm sling? is that permitted? his arm could be fucked up? i mean. it is? he was shot?

“I saw everything my brothers and sister could do ruin their lives” VANYA some REALIZATION up in here,,,, admitting that the umbrella academy wasn’t exactly a desirable place to be is actually some real growth for her and leonard just fucking shuts her down? fuck that man

VANYA SEE THE RED FLAGS FOR WHAT THEY ARE COME ON

oh klaus :(  oh luther :(  oh :(

“love his corset side pants, like benedict from violet evergarden” - on the topic of Klaus’s pants

“I made everyone else so I must have made you” says god except for the fact that the kids just... surprise popped up instead of coming about the natural way. maybe god DIDN’T made them????????

oh klaus :(  prepare for disappointment :(

oh i didn’t notice the photos of the umbrella academy in the barbershop the first time i watched this

so klaus gives an age for the mausoleum... thirteen... do you think that was before or after five left? statistically it’s probably after bc it was only a couple of months after they turned thirteen that five vanished

Klaus’s “we were just kids” breaks my heart every time

if i was one of reggie’s kids i would have just not gone to the funeral. rip to the hargreeves kids but i’m different

he doesn’t even call klaus klaus in death, he still calls klaus number four. fuck that man.

“i was gonna say i’d have been very very surprised if they kept him dead” - roommate on klaus waking up

“Five bucks says he set these guys up to try and get something out of her” - the roommate being very perceptive

cha cha is VERY rude to my girl agnes

honestly why DIDN’T hazel just kill cha cha after her whole speech and threats about killing agnes slowly in front of him???? like he literally watched her try to kill him as well

why wasn’t diego arrested in the original day that wasn’t actually?? he was being considered already. he still left the house, albeit with grace instead of allison. why wasn’t he arrested then???????? 

roommate thinks it’s interesting how committed the show is to their old timey shit. she used a nicer words like anachronisms but the point is: w h y

are these episodes even longer than i remember?? holy SHIT

[starlight-ascension]

My Friend Watches Suite: Part 3

this actually happened weeks ago but i keep forgetting i haven’t already posted these. will be somewhat half-assed since i scrolled for AGES to get the reactions and it’s rather laggy as a result. 

she keeps calling Bassdrum “Buttbeard”. Sounds like the world’s worst pirate. 

she sent XD emojis at the villains watching a recording of the girls’ henshin sequence and the reason i am bringing this up is that this is more evidence that anyone who thinks magical girl transformations are actually instantaneous is an idiot and i am putting this out there. 

“Okay, HECK YOU Buttbeard, you actually made me smile when you blew a bubble 'cause I love bubbles but then it had to be to trap Hummy, you used BUBBLES for evil, if anything's unforgiveable it's THAT >:-( >:-( >:-(” 

'You TRAP Hummy? You trap her body like the bug? Oh! Oh! Jail for Bassdrum! Jail for Bassdrum for One Thousand Years!'

She FREAKED OUT and capslocked when Siren disguised as Hummy, with things like “PLEASE RECOGNIZE THE SILVER CHARM AROUND HER NECK, I THINK HIBIKI CAUGHT ONTO THAT LAST TIME” and “THAT EXPRESSION DOES N O T LOOK RIGHT ON HUMMY'S FACE”

“Yo imagine if somecreature walked into the gym right now and saw these three Gandalfs with colored hair harmonizing and this weird skeleton-closet thing and this cat speaking and monologuing at another cat trapped in a floating bubble XD XD XD XD XD”

Every time Muse does the rainbow keyboard she keysmashes. I get it. 

"You're awesome, Mephisto!" “Greater lies have never been spoken.”

and i’ve got 66 unreads and no patience so i’m just going to skip to the episode with Beat’s first transformation and 

[initiate direct copy-paste]

And it looks like we're getting right to it, no replaying the final scenes from last episode or anything

So they're getting a stage ready for her instead of doing this right now. Cool. That buys some time for the good guys

HE CAN JUST?????? MAKE MINIONS????? FROM THE HAIRS OF HIS BEARD???????? KLFDHSGKJSHAGKJSHFGKJLFHLXDXDXDXDXDXD JKWEOSOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNGGGGG

GIANT DEMONIC MUSHROOMS

A) Yeah, the old dude I keep forgetting the name of is definitely from the world Hummy's from B) What the heck is Mephisto doing with his hand sjdglksfg

I'm skipping the intro.

"I believe in Siren, so everything will be fine!" ...Hummy, even I think that's going a bit too far

"I understand. Please tell Siren your feelings." ...wELP, okay then klsdjglkds

Do I see Hibiki and Kanade both blushing a little there? Oh yeah, these girls definitely gay kdlsjgslkg

"She did something that horrible, and yet we still must believe in her?" Yes.

"If one of you turn to evil, will you stop believing in each other?" *CLAPS*

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

"I wonder what Hummy's doing right now." Eating cupcakes and thinking of happy times with you to keep her hopes up?

"She's probably so depressed!" ......She's actually not.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

"You actually love her, Siren!" "Nope. No use in trying to convince me. Sorry to disappoint all of you, but I hate Hummy. I don't have any feelings for her." *sings* Who'd you think you're kidding? She's the earth and heaven to ya! Try to keep it hidden - Hoooney we can see right through ya!

hmm. Buttbeard and Mephisto still up on some junk. Also, those hate-brainwashy things, I'm seeing some in Mephisto's ears too? djkfowmoh dang

The old dude just said "It's off" and had no other reaction to this??????HUMMY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! D~= D~= D~= D~= D~= D~= D~=

JFDBNDFSLIGUNFGIUFASNGIULAFSNGLFASUILGBFUISLGABRLOGARINLGBSDGOISDABGLNGBAFILGNEAHTEA

FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK

*sings, looking shell-shocked* dO-do-do-do-do... CommerciAL breAk...

*SCREAMS*

HERGJHSFGSFJDKL HUMMY WAS TOTALLY UNAFFECTED BY THOSE THINGS KLSDHFSDKLADKL?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FJSKGLSDHGIUASR XD XD XD XD XD I THOUGHT FOR A SECOND THAT SHE WAS JUST THAT STRONG BUT TURNS OUT SHE WAS JUST ASLEEP WHILE THE SOUND OF THOSE THINGS WAS PLAYING IN HER EARS XD XD XD XD XD

"I'm not stopping you." ?????

"I'm your friend, so I'm not going to get in your way." jfdiogjsfoiglJFKLOfjlksopqHSDJKGH????!!!!!! HUH?!?!?! WHAT WAS THAT--IS HUMMY BREAKING THROUGH TO HER??????

"I'm about to sing the Melody of Sorrow. The world will fall into sadness. Is that fine with you?" "Yes!" JKSDLKGJWljisow?????!!!!!!!!!!

"Even if this world falls into sadness, everything will be fine!"

JKFSGORSLHGUIOE ='~O ='~O ='~O ='~O ='~O ='~O !!!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

"Because when that happens, you'll be crying with me."

JFIGHSFNLUGHSJGHSFLIGBFIGBSAUBIIHRAIUSHGDFSGBLIUSFAHGBIURSOTWYWONRIUBEFL

H-- HUMMY???

TOT TOT TOT TOT TOT <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HUMMY'S SINGING NOW OKAY FJKBNSFOR

(*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT)T (TOT) (TOT) <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3(TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

IT WORKED IT WORKED I THINK IT WORKED KLSDJGKSDHGLJKSDHGIURWHGUILSBHO

"Believe in them. A miracle will definitely occur."  ldfjsighsauihuibsdufggbaiurshfuwi4agbJNKSDGNWIR

(;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) (;O;) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) (TOT) <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh frick

OH FRICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DHSGJSDHBGLJKFSBNGLUSFHGLESIURGSFGHRSDIUHGESROIHGERHSFIOHGSFAPIGHARSIPGHSRDFJPISFHGSAFIPHASFIPGJSFAIGARHASFIGHSFAPIGJRSAGJDFIKGSAFOIGSAIGJSARIGJRAJSFIKGHSFPIGJARSGPIWRASJGSFAGHSAFOIGBRSAPUGWNRAGUWRAHGPIWRSHFPUSDANGPISAGRASHFIPSADHGSDPIAHGSADFWHASDIOGHBSADPIGFSHDANHPIGSDAHGWASDFHSDAIGHSDAPUGIDSHFSDAHGSDIGHSPDUIAFHNESAGRHSAIGPSDHAFPISAJGWAHGSIRAHWHJDSKFHADJKFGSDHKJFGDSBAJIFGBSDUILBUDBSH

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD

KDSLJGODSHG OH GOOD THE THINGS CAME OUT OF HER EARS LKSHGLDSKGIR

HUMMY'S OKAY BUT ALSO FRICK FRICK FRICK FRICK GIANT MONSTER MADE OF ALL THE NOTES OH GOD

DJSLKGSADHGLJKSDAHG

TRANSFORMATION TIME!!!!!!!!!!

(*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*)

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH KICK THOSE ARROWS YEAH!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

FRICK

MUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH NO OH NO OH NO IH NO OH NO

SAVE HUMMY SIREN

FRICK FRICK FRICK FRICK

FRICK FRICK FRICK FRICK

"Stop it!!!!!!!! Stop making Hummy sad!!!!!!"  DFJGIULESRHBNHGLIUSDBGLJDSABGHGRISUAGJIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O =~O !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HSDJKFGSDALKJFHSDAIUFADSBGIUFBSDAIUFABDSIGUAESBFULAEISBFWIUAESLHGAWLIUEGWDHIUSGLSHDAIULGSBDALIUFBSDAUVIGASBIUFSAHBHFLUIWDSAHGILUSDABGSDIUABSDAIUBSADIUGHSDNAIUFSDAHIGUASBGIUARSBIUSABWASIUGHASGRHGIAS

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SIREN'S A NEW CURE SIREN'S A NEW CURE SIREN'S A NEW CURE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJFDSOKGLSHDLJKGFSHGJKLSDHGLASBGSAGOARULBGRALIBGARSIHGNARSIULGJWARSG I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN IT SOME POINT BUT STILL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASDFGHJKLQWERTYUIOPZXCVBNMEFVBSIUBGURBGSRAIULGBSRLIUGBSDIUGSHNRDKGUBSDREIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NJXNVCPFFFT she dropped Hummy sdjhvsdlkjikeXD

jklJFLKDSOH! CURE MUSE GONNA CONVINCE HER TO STAY AND FIGHT???

DKJGLKFSJGHOISF

"I don't care what happens to Hummy..." Uhhh, literally everything that just happened says otherwise.

Muse speaks the truth

HECK YEAAAHHHH GO MELODY AND RHYTHM JKSDHGJKDSHGADU

"The Precure don't run from their feelings, no matter how hard it gets." YEAH. SLKDHJGLKSDGOFDHGFJDSFGRDFJTSGFDHHFDJ

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HECK YEAAAAAHHHH WE GOT ALLLLLLLLLL OF THOS ENOTES NOW WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Awwww, is Mephisto gonna throw a tantrum? >:-)

"But I have the legendary score right here!" Oh, they'll get that back sooner or later.

"I'll defeat you later and take back those notes!" HA! Just you TRY

Where you gonna go now Siren?

*dances in my seat to the end theme*

NEXT EPISODE

Ha. Alexa play 22 by Taylor Swift. klsfjlgkfs

Okay, Hibiki's probably right in saying it won't be that easy, Siren still needs a bit of time to come to terms with this and all before she fully becomes their ally, but as to Kanade's "This may all be part of her plans again"....excuse me, I HIGHLY doubt turning into Precure is something that can be faked. Like, at all, remotely, EVER. And as good of an actress as Siren is, I don't think she could've faked that breakdown she had right before it either.

Wow, even Aphrodite doesn't know how that happened...

*doesn't skip the opening theme, but doesn't jump up and dance either*

*does tap my foot and hand though*

Oh hey, the kids found her

Oh dang, it's like Setsuna in that one episode, with that kid whose dog she turned into a monster I think--Oh friiiiiiiiiiiick

Wait, she's not an animagus anymore? =~O

And she can't shapeshift into other people anymore either klsdjglksdhgsljdghjriso =~O

Ohhhh is that necklace what let her do that????

Holy FRICK

I don't know what that title was, but I'm gonna call it Siren's Big Identity Crisis

"Appear before me, Siren!" Ha. You can't control her anymore, turdface.

I'm seeing those things in Mephisto's ears again... klsdhglksdg

Bassdrum: "We're letting Siren go, right?" Mephisto: "No! She's the only one who can sing the Melody of Sorrow!" Ohhhhhhh :-o :-o :-o :-o

"I have a good plan." I doubt it.

"My head doesn't hurt anymore..." hfisugfsdyygbafsyludhbaufukshdahnuisdhgai

;o;;o;;o;;o;;o;

"What a pretty sound. I thought I hated it, but why?" She was brainwashed into villainy from the start, wasn't she? And this was part of it...

"You don't need to have rights to enjoy music." Yeah! :-) :-) :-)

"No, I used music to do bad things!" ...And you feel bad about that now and aren't going to do it again, right? So it's fine.

;o; ;o; ;o; ;o; ToT ToT ToT ToT <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

....Cure name foreshadowing?

XD XD XD XD FACE TACKLE<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

ToT ToT ToT ToT ToT <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

TOT TOT TOT TOT <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

*sings like Gumball and Darwin through my tears* Do do do do do...! Commercial break...! *grabs a tissue and blows my nose*

Ayyyyy, Siren joining in the singing! 😄😄😄💗💗💗

oh? Note!

Does Hummy know how to be mad?

Doesn't seem so. XD

Oop, there they are

"Don't call me by that name anymore." Oh. I did wonder if she was gonna get a new name. I wonder what it'll be.

Oh! Ellen! She used that in one of her disguises, right?

Oh, get outta here Gandalfs. >:-(

Oh HECK, on top of everything else Bassdrum has to have complete disrespect for the environment too??? He can go step on a lego right now please.

TRANSFORMATION TIME!

Also it occurs to me now that they've said "Unforgiveable!" to all these villain attacks including all the ones Siren's been at the head of, and Ellen's like...seriously taken that to heart thinking she can never be forgiven for them........T-T ToT ToT ToT T^T <3 <3 </3 <3 </3 <3

(*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*)

FRICK

"If you want us to free her, then come with us to Minor Land and sing the Melody of Sorrow!" ...Or, she could just come over there and kick you in the groin and take Hummy back herself.

You didn't think thsi through at all, did you

Oh hey there Muse!

KICK HIM JUST KICK HIM

"No, I won't sing it." HECK YES

"It's because I don't want to make her sad! If I sing the Melody, then Hummy will drown in sorrow. I want her to sing happily, always." LET'S GOOOOO *APPLAUDS*

HECK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

TRANSFORMATION TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And her henshin item was inside her alll along :-) :-) :-)

HECK YEAH, TRANSFORMATION TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HECK YEAH, EAT THAT, MEPHISTO

HECK YEAH, SHE HIT HIM AND GOT HUMMY

HECK YEAAAAAAAH GO BEAT GO

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!1 YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEESSSS PURIFICATION ATTACK TIME AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

HECK YEAH ROCKIN' GUITAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

*grooves in my seat to the end theme somewhat*

So it looks like this is continuing still into the next episode. Which I will be watching now too. hjdsfgjsfkhsd

*dances in my seat to the opening theme*

New base?

Why are they hiding from this kid's dad... this looks like the start of something cute and wholesome dksjhg

"Ellen is confused right now. It's hard turning into a Precure all of a sudden." Yeah. Especially right after having been on the villain's side for some time.

<3 <3 <3 <3

Well, they showed up with cupcakes at just the right time

Yeah, why take the dad's work stuff

Okay then

Sooooo did he take his dad's work and run away because the dad was busy with work not paying attention to his kid or something?

OH..... ;O; well dang... ;o; ;o; ;o; <3 <3 <3

"When I was little, I got separated from my other too." Oh yeah! Hibiki really is the best person to talk to him about this then, she's had to deal with the same thing--Ellen???? 

Not the time, Ellen, not the time--D-:<

Freakin' heck, Ellen needs the same talk from these two that this kid does...

"The connection we have may disappear in an instant. So it's better not to have bonded in the first place." WRONG. If you just avoid any experiences that'll make you happy just so you won't have to deal with any pain that can also come of them, where does that leave you? Just not feeling anything for all your life? That would SUCK, dude.

ToT ToT ToT

oh hey Hummy

the faceless background characters be a little creepy if you focus on them too much

Oh? Stuffed cat?

"Why does Papa have this?" Maybe he was planning to give it to you.

OHHHH DID HE HANDMAKE IT TOO <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Heck yeah, you tell her!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!!!!!!!!!'

*sings like Gumball and Darwin* Do do do do do! Commercial break!

TvT TvT TvT TvT TvT <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!!!!!!

uh oh

DON'T YOU DARE NEGATONE THAT SWEET LITTLE STUFFED CAT

OH HECK YOU

TOT TOT TOT <3 <3 <3

TRANSFORMATION TIME

(*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*)

WOOP WOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAH GO RHYTHM

GO MELODY

POOP

WOOOOOOOOO<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

She didn't realize exactly the harm she was doing until now huh.... ;-;

"I don't have the right to be a Precure." Yes you do! For heck's sake, just 'cause you did things that were wrong doesn't mean you can't recognize that and make up for them now, dummy! skfjdgls

"Siren. Forget about the Precure or what you have done. Siren. What do you want to do now?" *CLAPS*

"You gotta let go of that stuff from the past 'cause it just doesn't matter. The only thing that matters... is what you choose to be now." - Po, Kung Fu Panda 2

HECK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LET'S FREAKING GOOOOOOOOOOO

TRANSFORMATION TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*) (*O*)

HA HAAAA I REMEMBER THAT MOMENT OF HER MAKING A GUITAR CHORD WITH HER HAIR HA HA HAAAA XD XD XD !!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOLY POOP I DIDN'T KNOW THOSE THREE COULD DO THAT KLSDGLKS

HECK YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PURIFYING TIME

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bye bye Mamoru's dad! <3

Oh hey Otokichi. Which is your name they're saying now which I'm trying to get properly stuck in my memory.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Wise words from this guy. One of the best arguments I've seen against that stupid "Every one of us is all alone" sentiment.

Oooooooh backstory reveal??????

hjklshdgdslkjfhdgslaru ;o; ;o; ;o; ;o; ToT ToT ToT ToT ToT ToT ToT <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOT TOT TOT TOT TOT TOT TOT TOT TOT <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*dances in my seat to the end theme while crying rainbows*

I think that's a good place to end for the day

*collapses backward across the couch* Woooooooooo!!!!!!! 😂😂😂😂💗💗💗💗💗💗💖💖💖💖💕💕💕💕💕💕😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂💖💖💕💕💗💗💗😊😊😊😊😊💕💗💖💖💖

[spinnenpfote6]

Hey guys, I just wanted to ask if there are some of my mutuals who suffer from a phobia of germs and dirt as well.

I definitely have one though it hasn’t been properly diagnosed yet. I mean, I have developed weird cleaning rituals, thought processes and I’ve been in multiple fights with my parents because I keep using up our medical disinfectants which I know are necessary - but I can’t stop. I don’t want my mom to hug or kiss or even touch me anymore, solely for the reason that I think of every person as “unclean”, wash my hands a million times a day until they bleed and keep wiping everything clean with disinfectant-soaked baby wipes. Nobody is allowed to touch my belongings or bed or even me without my permission and everything that hasn’t been washed or disinfected is “contaminated”. I love my plushies and big action figures but I keep them in my closet in fear of getting them “dirty” so they don’t really bring me joy anymore. I don’t touch doorknobs or lightswitches without a small piece of napkin anymore. And finally, the most ridiculous thing of all: I can’t even slightly bump against a doorframe without feeling the urge to clean my shoulder afterwards. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I’m literally like that overly clean person comedies make fun of. I know I must sound like an absolute nutcase to you while you’re reading this and reading this myself - I can’t blame you. If I saw a person acting like me on TV, I’d laugh about them.

This whole problem started about 6 years ago and built up veeeery slowly. I can’t quite remember but I think it started out with me thinking about wanting stuff to be “cleaner” and only putting on freshly washed clothes. We were always a tiny bit “cleaner” of a family because of my illness, but only to a rather insignificant amount. To be honest, I can’t even for the love of me connect my old mindset to my new mindset. Why wasn’t I grossed out by this stuff back then? How was my thought process different? But honestly, it literally feels like someone pulled a switch in my brain between for and after I was about 14 years old. So I can’t put my finger on what went wrong in my head during that time. Now I’m just so insanely grossed out by so much stuff that I feel like I’m going insane if I don’t “clean” them. No one understands my “confusing procedures”, as my mother put it, but they seem perfectly calculated and reasonable to me. In contrast to other germaphobes though, I never have the urge to clean myself too long to get rid of all the germs, like washing hands for 10 minutes or something. I just need a short wash and everything is fine, but I need it.

Now, with these mental problems I have noticed certain rocky relationship days with my parents (they are surprisingly understanding but also think that it’s unhealthy behaviour and that I’m overreacting and just stop - you must know that we are very close) and that I frequently have extremly depressive episodes for a few hours which keep coming back very quickly almost every day. It’s all definitely causing me quite a lot of distress sometimes: I think of preparing “cleaning routines” quite a lot over the day. There was one day - well over a year ago - where we were running out of disinfectant where I was literally awake for hours at night, heart racing, shaking and crying while trying to think of a way to get new bottles without my parents noticing.

The worst thing is that due to everything seeming “contaminated” I don’t have such a good relationship with my pets as I wish I had. I don’t want my cats - Waylon and Ygor - to touch me at all. There was one time where I almost kicked Waylon away in a sudden fit of disgust and anger because he touched my leg. What’s even worse are those extremely aggressive thoughts I sometimes have against my pets when stuff like this happens. I literally thought about grabbing my cat and kicking harshly him or choking him or breaking his neck or something like that - just for a second. And honestly, I was horrified and ashamed by having these thoughts. It’s not the first time either, I know I have the same kind of bad thoughts after a failure of mine with mostly a fight attached and realizing this genuinely made me believe that my mental illness is turning me into a monster, despite having never laid a finger on one of my pets. I don’t think I’ve ever properly talked about this with anyone except maybe my mother but I was too ashamed of telling her the whole thing. After having done some research I now know that apparantly, my mind is using violent fantasies to cope because it doesn’t know how to handle distress and intense negative feelings overall.

Now, of course I want to get this problem treated as soon as possible. I’ve tried in the past (i.e. last year) but my therapist was - despite being nice - still very young and seemingly unprepared/unsure/insecure and paired by the fact that I didn’t want to have a group appointment discussing my feelings and behaviour with my parents immidiately, she basically told me that she couldn’t treat me because I “didn’t cooperate” and “didn’t suffer enough” from this germaphobia. Oh well. She didn’t say it in a mean way, but I was a quite disappointed for sure. Then the pandemic started and I had to stop therapy all together anyway. Since my chronic illness is causing the virus to be extremely dangerous to me, I haven’t been able to start a therapy yet, but I’ve been searching for good therapists and reading about my symptoms, hoping that the pandemic will eventually come to an end and I’ll get a good vaccine soon. I’ve tried to stop or tone my behaviour down a few times over the years but I always end up falling back after a while, despite it somehow working. To be honest, I’m very scared of a full therapy but I know that without therapy, this phobia will keep dragging me down. Even if my family thinks that it’s “not so bad” and “just a phase”.

Stuff like this is also why I hearing rumors that Adam Driver might have anxiety comforted me in a weird way. Of course I want him to be well, but thinking that this guy whom I love for his performance as Kylo Ren, a famous Hollywood actor, is a normal dude who might have seemingly “dumb” symptoms of mental health issues as well which are making his life more difficult - just like mine - is kinda comforting. Like I’m not alone with this. You know what I mean?

I’m sharing this story because I wanna know if there are people with similar feelings and/or experiences to connect with them and to spread some awareness. Maybe some of you know coping mechanisms or first steps for a sort of self-therapy? If I’m able to help just one other person with sharing this, that they are not alone or that others have weird mental health problems too, it would already be awesome enough.

Thanks for taking the time to read about my experiences!

I love y’all!

Shiny over and out

(Btw sorry for mistakes - I’m German and it’s already 3 a.m. and writing this made me cry at times since this is a very difficult topic for me. But I had to get this off my chest so badly)

[ricky4479]

Whiskey Business and an acurate portrayal of depression

So, I’m back with a bit of a controversial topic, modern Simpsons. Now, let’s make something clear here, I agree with all the people saying modern Simpsons is not as good as old Simpsons, especially the humor, which always made the Simpsons so special. Yet I have to admit that in my opinion modern Simpsons has some hidden gems, mainly in the way they portray certain topics. The episode I want to talk about here is season 24, episode 19 „Whisky Business“ and it’s portrayal of depression.

Why do I want to talk about this episode specifically? Why not season 29, episode 3 „Whistler’s father“ and it’s portrayal of child stars or season 19, episode 4 „I don’t wanna know why the caged bird sings“ and the portrayal of obsessive behavior after trauma? Well, „Whisky Business“ has always been close to my heart simply for the fact that I could identify myself in a lot of the things happening to Moe in not just this episode, but also a lot of the other episodes regarding Moe like season 14, episode 22 „Moe baby blues“ or season 3, episode 9 „Flaming Moes“.

Let’s start then. Disclaimer and trigger warning I guess, since I will interpret a lot into simple one liners or off side comments that the writers most probably meant nothing with but making a joke of the entire situation. I will also talk about abuse, depression, suicidal tendencies and a lot more in that direction, so if anything like that triggers you, you should stop reading or proceed with caution. It’s gonna get personal guys.

 So, I’m obviously only gonna talk about Moes storyline in this one and his first appearance already hit me close. Moe tries to talk to his friends, telling them he needs to talk about something important, but Homer, Lenny and Carl don’t even acknowledge his exsistence in any way, even when Moe literally calls out for help, saying things like „I’m begging you, please, please show me some love“, yelling it into the bar without any sort of response. This shows perfectly what it feels like for me when I’m asking for help. There are moments where I know I will do something to myself or have a panic attack or simply break down and I don’t want that to happen, so I reach out, may it be in subtle ways or full on approaching the situation as it is. I once had a really fucking terrible day, in fact a completely shit week and everything I wanted was for someone to show me some love, just to feel like my world isn’t breaking apart and like I’m okay, like things are going to turn out okay, so I asked my father if I could have a hug, nothing unusual to ask your dad I think. He just laughed at me and refused, jokingly asking why I’d need that and then going on about his day as normal. I felt completely invisible. I felt like I wasn’t even deserving of his attention and like he didn’t take me serious nor even listen to me at all. It really felt like yelling at someone that you need help and they don’t even realize you’re there. Like you don’t exist.

After Moe ties the noose around his neck, he sees the suicide hotline number on the wall and decides to call, giving „the new kid a chance to talk to the legend“. It’s like he’s glorifying his depression, like his reputation at that hotline is the only real thing he has ever achieved in his life and this feeling is even further enhanced when you see the pillow and blanket on the couch, almost seeming like Moe has been sleeping at his bar again, not even having an apartment. This feeling of worthlessness, having achieved nothing in your life is I think something we all have felt to a certain degree at some point.

But something that almost brought me to tears, as stupid as it sounds, was when Moe was going to go through with it, but then his phone rings and Moes face instantly lights up as he quickly picks up, answering after hesitating with a quiet and hopeful „Hello?“.

Now it’s going to get really personal because I’m going to tell you guys about something very few people know about me. I tried to kill myself on a class trip in eight grade. I’m not gonna get too into the details, but I was very agitated and stressed and I went to the only person who I trusted and asked if we could talk, but they just shoved me away, which was the last straw and pushed me over the edge. I passed out in the bathroom after a particularly bad panic attack, woke up around 45 minutes later, went into our room and was fully ready to take an entire bottle of painkillers I had packed because I’m stupid and break shit easily. In the end I snapped out of it, but I was fully ready to die in that moment. I had tried to cling to the last thing I thought could be help and it turned out to be shit. It was, similiar to Moe, the thing that inevertibly led to me almost dying and watching how Moes face lid up when he thought there was someone who cared brought me right back to when I tried to talk to that person. It was a moment I believe so many people who have gone through similiar things can relate to.

Turns out it’s just a prank call from Bart and Moe in his rage ends up falling off the chair and actually almost suffocating to death, but a bar broke and he crashed to the ground which alerted his friends, who then come running in and Homer applied CPR, saving Moes life. Moe seems happy afterwards, saying how thankful he is for another chance at life, although his „post suicide happiness“ doesn’t last very long and he goes right back to realizing how shitty the world is and how little he matters. Again something I saw myself in. On that trip after I almost od, my teacher with some classmates put on a little play and it was the funniest shit that entire trip. I was happy, I laughed, I forgot all about what had happened until afterwards. The person I trusted realized what happened, they berated me for it, took away any access to meds I had and left me alone. It wasn’t long after that I called my parents, who basically told me how they hated me for trying to be who I am and I was stuck in a house with people who hated me with a burning passion, so life wasn’t good. I felt like shit again and if I had had the oppertunity, I’d have tried again. It was again so good portrayed that it took me back and made me feel with Moe.

Marge barges in, asking Homer where the fuck he has been, Homer telling her Moe had an accident and Moe very casually says how he tried „to end it all“ but shortly after starts to cry after turning away from everyone. This very much shows how many of us, at least many of fhe people with depression I know, behave. We see it as almost normal, something that, although it impacts our lifes in the worst way possible, is just another part of us, almost like a character trait. But it’s not that, it’s hate and painful memories, feelings that shouldn’t exist, hopelessness, sadness, emptyness, it’s so much no person should feel, yet we tend to act very casually about it in public. Yet once we’re alone, it crashes, so much at once that most of the time I come home from school, the moment I close my rooms door, I start crying. It’s nothing to take casually.

Marge then decides to take Moe on a roadtrip and Moe starts joking, asking if Noosy can come too. Again, something I see in a lot of us. We joke about our depression, our lifes, things we simply shouldn’t joke about because they’re not funny, but it’s a way for many of us to deal with those intrusive thoughts, those feeling of worthlessness.

On the trip Moe is not enjoying himself because all he sees „are 2 million people happier than me“. Sometimes, even the things you love the most will seem extremely dull and pointless to you, because no matter what you do, there will always be countless people who are happier than you and suddenly you feel like you don’t deserve happiness or anything for that matter. Just like Moe feels like he doesn’t deserve the suit his friends want to buy for him, but after some encouraging Moe accepts it.

Moes new suit can be read as you changing to a „new you“, a you that is more acceptable in the eyes of society. You’re sick of society hating you, so you try to appeal to it and it works, suddenly people are nice to you, opportunities show themselves that you just have to take and for a while life seems perfect. Yes, this may not be the real you, but who cares, everything is what you always wanted and as long as you keep up the facade, it will stay this way. But facades break, or in Moes case, suits can rip. Now what is there isn’t the one everyone loved, but the one everyone hated or thought was a freak.

Moe desperately asks Marge for help and she tells him to just be himself, so he actually takes the advice, but everything just breaks apart. Moes partnership he had built with two businessmen over his self-brewed whiskey gets completely ruined since everyone seems to hate or be disgusted by suitless-Moe. It shows amazingly how it feels to have so called „friends“ turn their backs on you once you start to act more like yourself and even though you try your best to show them it’s still you, they leave.

The episode ends on a bittersweet ending with Moe returning to his normal life, only this time a bit more hopeful. He knows it’s not going to last forever, but for now life is okay, he can deal with it.

And that’s just a powerful message. No matter what happens, you will be able to take it and in the end you will emerge alive, fine. You’re going to be okay and even if everything crumbles, it’s okay, because you can rebuild it. Baby steps.

Of course the episode is trying to be comedic with all this, like a string of Moes suit getting stuck in the elevator door going down 98 floors, but to me it still presented depression in a very understandable way and managed to visually show what it sometimes feels like to have depression and to try and deal with it. In my opinion this was one of the better modern Simpsons episodes and I will always hold it dear to my heart just because of how accurately it portrays parts of depression once you scraped through the surface of bad jokes and lame punchlines.

I hope you enjoyed reading this, I hope it was understandable and please don’t cancel me just because I said I enjoyed some modern Simpsons episodes. As always, English isn’t my first language, it’s late at night, I’m dead on the inside, so please excuse any mistakes.

Stay squeaky.

[masked-puppetmaster]

(Put under a read more bc I got emotional and started rambling quite a bit)

----

Not to be emotional on main but the McElroys and all the content they produce is just so incredibly important to me

We all have that thing or two, you know? Those things that are just so important to you, that your heart goes !!! Every time you think about it, that you hold so dear to your heart you never want to let go of it.

the mcelroys for me is one of those things. 

I first discovered the McElroy brothers (and subsequently their father, and wives later on) through The Adventure Zone. I honestly wasn't even planning on getting into the adventure zone at first; I'd seen a YouTube video at the time that used some audio from TAZ balance and I just thought it was funny. I didn't even expect to make it halfway through episode one. I never could have predicted the amount of impact it would have on my life, and how important it would become for me. 

Taz balance honest to god, saved my life, figuratively and quite possibly literally. Taz balance in all honesty came to me at the time that I really most needed it. Life was incredibly hard for me at the time; I was lonely, I was severely depressed, I was stressed in school and even more stressed at home. I was dealing with loss, and pain, and I was just tired of everything.

The world of balance gave me an escape. It gave me a world to go to. And I went there every day, every day falling more and more in love with the world, and the characters. I felt myself becoming indescribably close to the characters in this absolutely incredible story, and to the mcelroys as well. 

I laughed with these people. I cried with these people. I went on this amazing journey in this phenomenal world. I felt like I never have. Like I just had this life changing experience. And maybe it was. 

I've fallen in love with the rest of the McElroy content as well- from griffins amibo corner, to monster factory, to mbmbam. the mcelroys are just a group of dudes goofing around on the internet but honest to god, their content is sometimes literally what keeps me going, what keeps me alive. When I'm feeling at my worst, when I'm sure I've hit rock bottom, when I'm inconsolable, the mcelroys give me hope. They give me a reason to live. They give me the ability to smile and laugh again just when I thought I'd lost it. 

I think that one of the things that makes the mcelroys so goddamn appealing is the family dynamic. This is a family that, when you watch them, when you listen to them, it's not an exaggeration to say that the love radiates off of these people. When you listen to the mcelroys interact, you can tell just by their voices that these are people who love each other. Maybe this is so appealing to me because that's the dynamic I always wished my family had. Maybe the idea of love is just appealing in general.

And the mcelroys seem to have this magic way of making you feel welcome. Listening to the mcelroys, you don't feel like an outsider. You feel like part of this amazing and loving family. Some people need that feeling- I know I did. 

Taz amnesty, too, came to me at a time that I needed it. At first I was nervous to listen to it; I had become so used to the world and characters of balance I was deathly afraid to leave it behind. It was something that has been a light in my darkness, that had brought me copious amounts of joy when nothing else did, and I was afraid to walk away. But then I did. I had been afraid that amnesty could  never do for me what balance did. I was wrong. 

I travelled through the world of amnesty as well. I fell in love with a place, and with the characters, all over again. I laughed loudly and cried harder than ever with these characters, and the people who created them. 

Amnesty gave me renewed hope. A true saviour in my life came in the form of Aubrey Little. I felt connected in my life with Aubery - it was like she was a mix of everything I already was and everything I wished I could be. Aubrey helped me in a lot of ways. She gave me, as silly as it sounds, a role model to look up to. I saw myself in Aubrey - and I saw in Aubrey what I could become if I just kept hanging in there. And I'm getting there, one step at a time. 

And now we're here, at the final chapter of another amazing story. We've learned, and we've lost, and we've loved - not just with the characters, and with the mcelroys, but as a fandom as well. The taz fandom is a wonderful group of some of the most creative, talented people I know. It's been an honour to be with you all, and it will continue to be an honour still.

so as we brace our hearts and minds for the finale of amnesty, let us remember everything it's given us; and everything it's still yet to give. We'll all be emotional; but we'll be emotional together, and I think that's beautiful. We can cry when the story we've loved so dearly for so long now ends- but we can wipe out eyes and smile as we await a new chapter, a new story, and a new world that will make us fall in love all over again. I, for one, can't wait.

So let's metaphorically hold hands, buckle our seatbelts, and enjoy the ride of one last hunt. 

We're with the mcelroys, and with each other, till the end. <3

[fizzingwizard]

I reread the Sherlock Holmes stories at least once a year. Every time, I’m impressed with something new. I’ve really got to start a Holmesian side blog.

For now, enjoy what is basically me live-tweeting “The Problem of Thor Bridge,” although I actually read it a few days ago. Holmes is in his late 40s.

The story in short: A woman has been killed, and the family’s governess is accused, because the woman’s jackass husband is totally into her.

It was a wild morning in October, and I observed as I was dressing how the last remaining leaves were being whirled from the solitary plane tree which graces the yard behind our house. I descended to breakfast prepared to find my companion in depressed spirits, for, like all great artists, he was easily impressed by his surroundings.

We start off with an image of the moody, artistic, disconsolate Holmes, and a depiction of Watson, the guy who knows everything about him.

On the contrary, I found that... his mood was particularly bright and joyous, with that somewhat sinister cheerfulness which was characteristic of his lighter moments.

"You have a case, Holmes?" I remarked.

"The faculty of deduction is certainly contagious, Watson," he answered.

Every. Little. Thing.

Also, please note, sinister cheerfulness.

Watson: Holmes, you’re... happy. Good Lord, who’s been murdered!?

"... We may discuss it when you have consumed the two hard-boiled eggs with which our new cook has favoured us. Their condition may not be unconnected with the copy of the Family Herald which I observed yesterday upon the hall-table. Even so trivial a matter as cooking an egg demands an attention which is conscious of the passage of time and incompatible with the love romance in that excellent periodical."

Ooh. Victorian burn!

"I am getting into your involved habit, Watson, of telling a story backward."

Holmes’s pastime - casually insulting Watson.

Watson’s probable reaction:

By the way, let’s keep track of Holmes burns, shall we? So far he’s roasted both Watson and the poor cook at Baker Street.

"... A revolver with one discharged chamber and a calibre which corresponded with the bullet was found on the floor of her wardrobe." His eyes fixed and he repeated in broken words, "On—the—floor—of—her—wardrobe." Then he sank into silence.

Sherlock Holmes abruptly cutting off, repeating himself in staccato, then getting lost in thought and forgetting he was talking to someone. Just a day in the life of Dr. Watson.

When this sort of thing happens for a prolonged time, Watson has a habit of... falling asleep. Lol. Not that I blame him

Enter Bates, who is a manager for today’s client, Gibson, a gold mining magnate. Bates does not like Gibson.

"Those public charities are a screen to cover his private iniquities."

A breakdown of big business if I ever saw one.

Holmes doesn’t like Gibson either.

"What the devil do you mean by this, Mr. Holmes? Do you dismiss my case?"

"Well, Mr. Gibson, at least I dismiss you."

Holmes Burn Count: 3.

I sprang to my feet, for the expression upon the millionaire's face was fiendish in its intensity, and he had raised his great knotted fist. 

Gasp! Someone makes a threatening gesture at Sherlock Holmes, something that surely happens with regularity!

Watson:

We learn Gibson has a crush on his governess, who is accused of killing his wife.

"I could not live under the same roof with such a woman and in daily contact with her without feeling a passionate regard for her. Do you blame me, Mr. Holmes?"

"I do not blame you for feeling it. I should blame you if you expressed it, since this young lady was in a sense under your protection."

Holy cheese whiz, Batman! Don’t hit on your employees! See! Even in a world without bills against sexual harassment in the workplace, this was understood!

"I've been a man that reached out his hand for what he wanted, and I never wanted anything more than the love and possession of that woman. I told her so."

"Oh, you did, did you?"

Holmes could look very formidable when he was moved.

Sherlock Holmes:

"I said that money was no object and that all I could do to make her happy and comfortable would be done."

"Very generous, I am sure," said Holmes with a sneer.

Holmes Burn Count: 4

On a side note, more Holmes actors should sneer.

"Some of you rich men have to be taught that all the world cannot be bribed into condoning your offences."

PREACH IT BROTHER.

"And women lead an inward life and may do things beyond the judgement of a man."

I love how this is just accepted in this time period. Gibson is speaking, and Holmes and Watson are gentlemen, but no one’s going to contradict this statement.

Man: does something completely against his character. Everyone else: How strange! There must be some reason. Meanwhile, Woman: does something completely against her character. Everyone: Well, she’s an illogical woman, what do you expect?

I mean dude. They talk this way in the original Star Trek, which had female character working in high-level positions (albeit not starship captain). And the “illogical woman” line appeared pretty much every time a plot involved a woman. It’s crazy how persistent a stereotype this was. At least “female hysteria” was still considered a Thing in Holmes’s time - by Star Trek’s time it had been dropped since the 1950s.

Anyway, I can’t understand a thing men do.

"[My wife] was crazy with hatred and the heat of the Amazon was always in her blood."

Whenever a character isn’t English, they are assigned some ethnic trait that usually makes them more passionate and unreasonable than English people. The English don’t escape critique, but foreigners definitely feel the burn the greatest. If an excuse can be found to blame something on a character being “tropical” or “fiery” because they’re from the Mediterranean or overseas, it will be used. And it’s usually a female character. (Though probably the one who gets it the worst is the poor Andaman Islander in The Sign of Four, who is a man, but barely even afforded humanity by the text.)

Holmes and Watson travel out to investigate. They meet the local police, who’s grateful to work with Holmes.

"And your friend, Dr. Watson, can be trusted, I know."

This is just how you react when Holmes shows up with Watson, since Holmes’s modus operandi is “Anything you say to me will eventually get back to Watson anyway.”

"Well now, Watson, suppose for a moment that we visualise you in the character of a woman who, in a cold, premeditated fashion, is about to get rid of a rival..."

So there’s an episode of House MD where House asks Wilson to envision himself as his patient, who is a middle-aged Chinese woman. Wilson is like “ok” and House says “Say it.” So Wilson says “I’m a middle-aged Chinese woman.” And House is like, “good.” And clearly it’s from “Thor Bridge” bwahahahaha.

"Your best friends would hardly call you a schemer, Watson, and yet I could not picture you doing anything so crude as that."

Watson Cannot Lie. It Is Known. At least, he cannot lie convincingly for more than a few minutes. Also, he is a Good Guy, Whom Holmes Trusts Implicitly.

(The Casebook has quite a few Watson-validating moments.)

"I can see now that I was wrong. Nothing could justify me in remaining where I was a cause of unhappiness, and yet it is certain that the unhappiness would have remained even if I had left the house."

^This is the governess, Ms Dunbar, teaching us all that a good deed never goes unpunished. I disagree with calling Ms Dunbar the “cause” of unhappiness, as the cause is clearly the husband. Ms Dunbar’s one bad decision was in not putting some form of distance between herself and Gibson. She seems to have thought they were safe as long as they were not being physically intimate, but other forms of intimacy were okay. And, to be frank, it seems not unlikely by the end that for all Gibson’s lack of morals, and in spite of her own, Ms Dunbar loves him back.

At the same time, she’s also right that no matter what choice she made, Gibson and his wife were not going to be happy together. It’s completely Gibson’s fault though. And the fault of a society where leaving a marriage left a black mark.

"How do you know [the murder weapon wasn’t already planted in your room]?"

"Because I tidied out the wardrobe."

"That is final."

Who is she, Marie Kondo?

Holmes did not answer. His pale, eager face had suddenly assumed that tense, far-away expression which I had learned to associate with the supreme manifestations of his genius. So evident was the crisis in his mind that none of us dared to speak, and we sat, barrister, prisoner, and myself, watching him in a concentrated and absorbed silence.

More of Silent, Pensive Holmes and his Rapt Audience. Watson won’t fall asleep when others are around, so instead they all stare at Holmes. Literally. That’s what it says. No one dares speak and they all just stare at him.

Suddenly, as we neared our destination he seated himself opposite to me—we had a first-class carriage to ourselves—

I like that Watson feels compelled to explain this to us this.

and laying a hand upon each of my knees he looked into my eyes with the peculiarly mischievous gaze which was characteristic of his more imp-like moods.

The body language in this passage. Holmes getting all silly and excited. Watson still just staring. This scene is probably the most Guy Ritchie-like it gets.

Also, please note imp-like.

Watson: Get your hands off my knees Sherlock Holmes you adorable fucker.

"Watson," said he, "I have some recollection that you go armed upon these excursions of ours."

It was as well for him that I did so, for he took little care for his own safety when his mind was once absorbed by a problem so that more than once my revolver had been a good friend in need. I reminded him of the fact.

"Yes, yes, I am a little absent-minded in such matters."

Holmes: Hey Watson, are you packing heat?

Watson: Well YEAH, you careless bastard. Someone’s got to prevent your death, since you won’t.

Holmes: YOLO

(Although, it’s more like YOLT, in this specific case.)

"See, Watson, your revolver has solved the problem!"

^After using Watson’s revolver in an experiment which results in the gun falling off the bridge into the depths of the river.

Watson: Thank you, Holmes. I liked that revolver.

Holmes: Psh, quit your bitching, we’ll drag the river for it.

In the end, it turns out the wife concocted a plan for her own suicide that would make it look like the governess murdered her. Although this story would definitely have been better without the racism and sexism, one thing that I can’t help but appreciate is that Gibson, a Generally Bad Guy, is not The Bad Guy, and gets to continue living his rich and ruthless life. On top of that, he’s even rid of his wife who wasn’t beautiful anymore, and potentially going to marry the beautiful younger woman. So he gets no consequences for treating his wife terribly, putting the moves on his employee, or just for being a jackass. Instead, he gets even More. It’s hyper realism. ACD ain’t pulling his punches with this one. /cynicism

And that’s it for “Thor Bridge!” This was very fun for me to do though I doubt anyone will read it! But I’ll almost definitely make more so I can continue to share the running inner monologue that goes on in my head whenever I read Holmes stories. I enjoy snickering to myself with or without an audience.

Our Holmes Burn Count was only 4, though I could have included a few more barbs he threw at Gibson.

This probably doesn’t need mentioning, but all the Sherlock Holmes stories are in public domain so y’all should go read them.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

[tonystarkstan]

come morning light

Words: 2,016

Author: hopeless_hope on AO3

Summary: It’s a bad brain day. (In which Peter is caught in a depressive current, but one Tony Stark is there to make sure he doesn’t get swept away.)

It’s a bad brain day.

Peter knows this from the second he wakes up and registers the syrupy feeling in his lungs and the heaviness in his soul that has no explanation. At least, not right now.

He breathes in, and the effort it takes to do that alone nearly tires him to the bone, and he’d give just about anything to roll over and sleep the rest of his depressive haze away.

But school doesn’t care about any of that, so when his alarm goes off, he gathers his strength and gets ready for the day. (He uses that term loosely. He doesn’t feel like he can possibly be ready for whatever the world wants to toss at him today.)

When he gets to school, he’s greeted by Ned, who, upon realizing Peter’s not going to start the conversation, takes up the slack and fills the silence. But from the way Ned glances at him worriedly whenever he thinks Peter isn’t looking, Peter knows that he’s caught on.

They’d started a system awhile back.

Ever since Ben died, Peter had been wrecked with episodes of depression and anxiety that seemingly hit him out of nowhere. The anxiety - now that makes sense. Peter’s always been an awkward person, never quite getting the hang of social interaction, a loose thread in the fabric of social hierarchy.

But the depression. God, that’s the worst. After Ben, sadness permeated Peter in an ever-present current. He couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep - he stopped talking altogether. And May, desperate and grieving and so scared of losing someone else, had sent him to therapy. He came back with a bottle of pills and a shiny new diagnosis of clinical depression.

With the help of his meds, the current that he’d once been so swept away in, slowed and evaporated to a shallow pool, mostly manageable but still capable of weighing him down. Most days, he floated near the top, able to go about his day normally. And other days, he had to tread water to do anything. And every so often, out of absolutely nowhere, he’d wake up laying at the bottom of the pool.

Ned knows all of this, though, having been there from the beginning. He got to see Peter in each stage, had learned to deal with it better than almost anyone, save for May. He recognizes the signs, can spot the heaviness in Peter’s posture a mile away. He knows not to treat Peter differently or delicately. Ned simply fills the silence and picks up Peter’s slack, steering him throughout the day.

And lunch, Ned grabs Peter an apple, casually setting it in front of him with a look that allows no argument. With Peter’s enhanced metabolism, skipping meals is much more dangerous, but on days like these, so much as opening his mouth is enough to wear him down.

In classes, he does the bare minimum, knowing Ned will give him the notes later. Peter wouldn’t be able to retain any information if he tried, anyway. He watches teachers with glazed eyes and tries to breathe through the thick fog that seems to surround him. He wonders if he’ll choke on it.

The day passes by slowly and yet all at once when he spends it deep inside his own head. Peter’s painfully aware of the tightness in his chest that seems to make every second stretch on insurmountable, and yet, suddenly he’s walking out into the sun, students all around him leaving.

Ned patiently leads him forward, stopping suddenly at the sight of the familiar black car. He swears.

“Crap, Peter, you have the internship today, don’t you?” Ned asks, not expecting an answer. Not that it matters, he thinks, because of course Peter has the internship today. It’s a Thursday, and Peter has the internship every Tuesday and Thursday after school, an arrangement that had been set up shortly after the homecoming fiasco.

Peter swallows thickly, anxiety suddenly breaking through the haze. He opens his mouth to speak, to tell Ned to ignore the car and take him home, because he hasn’t had a bad brain day like this since before he met Mr. Stark, and he doesn’t think he can handle putting on a facade of normality.

Just as he’s about to tug Ned in the opposite direction, he sees Happy get out and make his way to the passenger side of the vehicle, gesturing for Peter to hurry up, and Peter fills with dread.

“Peter, do you want me to tell him you’re not feeling good?” Ned asks worriedly. “I can just say you’re sick and should probably go home.”

And God, Peter is so tempted to nod, but then he sees the look of irritation that flashes across Happy’s face at being kept waiting, and he figures he probably shouldn’t bother the man with something so stupid anyway. No need to make himself look even more pathetic.

So Peter just shakes his head and tries to muster a reassuring look, but he’s certain he fails when Ned just continues to look worried. After a quick wave goodbye, Peter takes another deep breath and wills his feet to move forward.

It’s so heavy that he’s half-convinced if he looks down, he’ll see cracks in the pavement from where he’s stepped.

Happy opens the door for him, looking bored. Peter gets in, movements slow and lethargic, distantly frustrated at how incapacitated feeling like this makes him.

When they pull away, Peter lets his head fall forward onto the window, hoping the cool glass will offer some relief for him, ground him. He’s so far away, so worn and tired, that he doesn’t even notice the concerned looks Happy shoots him at his uncharacteristic quietness.

(It’s not quiet, though. His head is so loud.)

Peter spends the entirety of the ride to the Compound letting himself lay at the bottom of the pool, a thousand pounds of water weighing him down, filling his lungs, and making it difficult for him to breathe.

When they arrive, he sits there for a second, not really registering anything and wanting so so badly to just go to sleep. To sit here forever. To never have to move or do anything. To stop thinking.

But then Happy opens his door and calls his name, and he’s jolted into action, fumbling to undo his seatbelt clumsily.

He walks to Tony’s lab on autopilot. At one point, he just stops in the middle of the hallway, tempted to sink to his knees and curl up, but then he shakes his head and makes himself move.

Peter hates being like this.

(He’s useless.)

When FRIDAY opens the doors to Tony’s lab, the man himself looks up at him, already elbow-deep in his latest project.

“Hey, Pete. Your stuff is still on your desk how you left it last time, so feel free to keep working on it. I looked over your formulas, and I think you’re getting much closer to a more durable form of web fluid,” Tony tells him conversationally.

On a normal day, Peter would be absolutely preening under the high praise from his mentor. Today, however, all he can muster is a small smile, even the uplift of his lips draining him.

In the absence of a verbal response from the usually chatty kid, Tony does a double take.

“You okay, kid?” he asks cautiously, taking in the uncharacteristically subdued figure. Peter just nods his head, and Tony tilts his head, studious eyes taking in the kid’s sunken posture.

“Did something happen at school?” Tony prompts, brain rushing through the list of possibilities of things that could have reduced the teen to this. He sighs when he’s just met with another head shake.

For now, Tony decides to leave the kid be, opting to watch the kid from the corner of his eyes as he continues to work on his own project.

However, ten minutes later, Peter has had yet to move at all, staring unblinkingly at his open notebook, and it’s clear his mind isn’t in the room.

Full-blown concern rushes through Tony now, and he puts down his tools and brushes off his hands, turning his chair to face the young vigilante.

“Peter,” he calls, hoping to gain the boy’s attention. When he doesn’t even flinch, Tony tries again, making his voice a little sharper. “Pete, look at me,” he commands.

This time, Peter jumps, a strange mixture of surprise and guilt coloring his face, before it morphs back into a numb, blank slate. Tony moves closer, alarm racing through his veins because something is wrong with his kid. The older hero cautiously turns the boy’s chair to face him, reaching out with a single finger and tipping Peter’s face towards his own.

The heavy look in Peter’s eyes sends chills down his spine.

“Peter, do you think you can talk?” Tony asks.

A head shake.

“Okay, that’s perfectly fine,” Tony says. “Can you keep shaking your head yes and no?”

Peter nods slowly.

“Good, that’s very good,” Tony praises. And so the twenty questions begins. “I know I already asked, but did something happen today at school? Or even with May?”

Peter minutely shakes his head.

“Is it...” Tony hesitates, wondering how to phrase his words. “Is it a bad day?”

Peter nods. Inside he’s screaming and screaming but he’s at the bottom of a pool and he knows his words and pleas for relief would never make it to the surface. So he does his best to at least get this right.

“Okay,” Tony says, running a stressed hand through his hair. “We can work with that. Has this happened before?”

Another nod.

“Does May know?”

Peter hesitates, unsure of whether Tony means about the bad days in general or just today specifically. He nods anyway.

“Do you want me to leave you alone and let you work?”

Again, Peter hesitates. He doesn’t want to be left alone, and he definitely doesn’t have it in him to work on literally anything, but he also doesn’t want to make Tony worry even more or go out of his way to accommodate him. Tony must read it on his face anyway.

“That’s okay, we can do whatever you want. We don’t have to work in here. We can go somewhere else. Do you want to go lay down?” Tony asks, desperate to find a solution that will help. He can’t help but feel relieved when Peter nods, because oh god, Peter wants nothing more than to lay down. He’s so tired. He’s so damn tired. And it hurts to breathe. He feels like his lungs might stutter to a stop at any moment.

He barely even registers the moment when Tony gently puts an arm around him, guiding Peter out of his chair and to the elevator. Tony never once tries to force him to talk or make Peter feel bad for not being able to, and Peter’s never been so grateful.

They arrive a few floors up, and then Peter’s being ushered down to the end of a long hallway and through a door, leading to a vast room. Distantly, Peter takes in the sight of the slightly untidy room, screwdrivers and wires and spare parts that must follow Tony up from his lab strewn carelessly on the floor and dresser. Peter realizes with a jolt that this must be Tony’s room.

Without a word, Tony delicately tugs the kid forward, pushing him gently over and onto the large bed sitting against the far wall, and Peter looks up at him with uncertain eyes.

“It’s okay, kid,” Tony reassures, pulling up a comfy lounge chair next to the bed.

“Just close your eyes. I won’t leave you,” Tony promises.

And Peter sags into the mattress, curling his knees tightly to his chest and reminding himself that when he wakes up, perhaps breathing won’t feel so hard, and the pool of sadness won’t feel so deep.

A hand gently cards through his hair, and Peter, soothed by the tender touch of calloused hands, finally lets himself fall asleep.

[y01te-moved]

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

i almost cant even count how many this is but im doing every single one anyways and you cant stop me despite the fact that this obviously took me ages to actually answer

1: if ur reading this ur legally obligated to follow max (sender of this ask) Right Now. Just Do It.

2: i think more ppl with my sense of humor should watch Spider Riders bc listen..  if somewhere along the line that show suddenly gained more popularity again in this fine year of 2019 id be both actually funny for once but also revolutionary. by all technicalities some of my hcs are fucking great but i dont think i could say a lot of them and even be comprehensible outside of orientation based ones that are just rlly controversial. granted im not even sure i could or would actually recommend the show to people cause its kinda dumb a lot of the time and also fairly long at least to my standards so its harder to finish unless ur like really invested in it :pensive:

3: also on that note the next time a horny person even THINKS about Corona im Going to break into their home and then break their knees. i hate that she has so much fanart thats basically just fetish art or otherwise managing to be nsfw in some way shes like 15 at best fuck off!! its rlly only a problem on like. deviantart but it still makes me die inside.

4: character development is hard i never actually keep my ideas and what i have written down on like.  my actual bios for everyone on the same pace so its a confusing mess and i wish i was better at combating that

5: anon and kanon r such good loids i wish people used them more but i think a part of the problem is that i dont always look That hard for things that use them ahdbsadgashdj

6: alex is the best sdv bachelor and im not accepting criticism on that notion. 2nd best would probably be like..  sam except i havent tried hard enough to be friends with him yet which i feel bad abt bc he seems nice

7: i miss the cracking open a cold one with the boys meme that was still one of my favorites

8: (goes BACK to thinking about SR shdfjds) the anime had no right having like so many characters base their ideals off of how brade used to be in the past and all those good takes on like not necessarily Having to resort to violence as the ultimate solution and all that good stuff just to be like, “surprise!! he actually IS still around! but also he’s going to be minimally helpful at all until the last few episodes and otherwise we’re going to make a ton of gags about him trying to hit on the like 2 girls in the team who are also like 15 while he ignores practically everyone else because thats funny!” im still so mad about it. he is the absolute worst and he has no rights. there was also so much potential they seemed like they could have used and were trying to hint at using in terms of further developing more important details about the history of the inner world or at least some of the things that had been going on well before hunter ever showed up and then they didn’t do anything but hint at the idea of brade having known hunter’s grandfather. but even that wasn’t 100% confirmed bc they dodged around it the one time they had hunter ask. its a mess.

9: my taste is so fucking weird and i hate it bc its mostly just, “oh yeah i heard abt this thing and it seems cool im hoping to start getting into it soon!” for most things that are actually cool or popular or all that and never actually get into it, but then i see smth dumb as shit that i know would probably make me look like an absolute fool for liking and im like, “oh yeah yknow what i can do this one” and then i do like it but i cant say much about it either cause i dont wanna look like.   a fool.

10: these have been depressing as fuck so im gonna lighten the mood and say that himbo is a fucking hilarious word and i love it

11: also axel (kh) is a himbo. why? he just is.

12: im also bad at character design i think bc i always worry that my characters look too similar in terms of hair style like all the time and idk if its rlly that bad or not jfhgkf.  that and like. so many of my characters just wear jeans and boots in terms of the lower half of their body its so unoriginal but it always works so well…

13: still disappointed in myself for having never 100%’d even 1 tlodw game. lunatic mode.. Difficult

14: i dont keep up with ace attorney fans but i hope everyone out there agrees that miles has peak vampire energies based on the way he dresses alone

15: re:zero fans have no rights only bc i only ever see ppl talking abt rem and ram like. wh..   was no one ever going to tell me about reinhard or was i just supposed to watch him get introduced in the first few eps and then fall in love w/him immediately before even finding out hes supposed to be a knight which makes him 20x better

16: leon and/or leonhart is like genuinely a good name idk why it just sounds rlly nice

17: ive had like so many technical difficulties with this site since trying to answer this i hate tumblr

18: im pretty sure im like. genuinely just gonna go mute or some shit one day cause honestly ive mostly only ever gotten worse and worse about not actually being able to say things even when i know exactly what thought im trying to say, both physically and like. online. its so weird i feel like i just cant say things. it may just be being self conscious but i restrict myself soo heavily and its WEIRD….  its like being trapped in ur thoughts and it sucks.  probably doesnt even actually mean all that much but it still makes it hard for me to accomplish anything ever which i hate.

19: despite all the titles like ssbu and all that existing for the switch i think id only want one to play the new(er) inside system games i havent had the chance to yet like the spinoff card game and rudymical and also brave dungeon but w/neville and klinsy and whoever else was dlc on that game cause obviously i own the 3ds port but also neville..  good…  i wanna see how she plays..

20: i miss when i could be passionate abt cave story it just makes me feel tired seeing it sometimes at this point but it also still holds a great significance to me so its just confusing and im not sure how i feel abt it

21: the SR novels were cowards only on account of not giving us any official design for petra but also for writing igneous like.  That.  novelverse igneous is just too bitter in general and like i get it but they couldve done a lot more with him even though he is still somewhat respectable in the end, granted its hard cause like holy shit hes so fucking mean to hunter literally who asked for that. im just glad the anime let him be somewhat more idk..  i guess sociable while still keeping a lot of the inherently essential aspects his personality had like his almost over the top loyalty to the prince and taking things like training/combat in general very seriously. its just good and animeverse igneous is so good id die for him thanks for coming to my tedtalk

[awed-frog]

hi there! i dont tend to trust sdcc interviews but i figure i'd ask this so i could get your opinion! a big thing they were talking about was the aftermath of michael on dean.. if they do this right it could be SO good and SO interesting for his character.. so i was gonna ask what you think this means for his character? after he is done being possessed by michael?

Hi! I haven’t heard the spoilers, and to be honest my enthusiasm about the show is pretty much in free fall - under a cut and sort of bitter, okay?

So, the obvious parallels that come to mind are Dean coming back from Hell and Dean being freed from the Mark, and I think the time and energy the show spent of those aftermaths is very telling of what the narrative priorities are. 

If you look at the post-Hell period - was intense. I haven’t rewatched that season in a while, but I seem to remember they spent a lot of time on how broken and not himself Dean was? And the whole thing, of course, was revealed to be even more tragic than what fans expected when Dean decided to tell Sam about how he’d chosen to torture others. Ouch. That was some truly powerful stuff, especially because in the pre-Hell period Dean had mostly pretended to be carefree - scarfing down burgers for breakfast, having threesomes, and generally trying to convince himself (and others) that since he never had much of a lifespan anyway, this death made complete sense. All of that, of course, was masterfully contrasted with how Dean actually died - he never got the hero death I’m sure many were expecting, the beautiful and sexy death main characters and pretty people are mostly gifted (or burdened) with. Instead, it was terrifying, base, humiliating affair - Dean was literally torn apart by dogs as his baby brother watched (not to mention he regretted his righteous decision as soon as he landed in Hell, and found himself calling for Sam like a frightened child instead of suffering his fate in manly silence). Jesus Sycamore Christ. That was beyond sobering, as was the whole post-Hell period - and especially how Dean wasn’t, in the end, all that happy to be alive again. Again: ouch.

What happened in S11 was rather different. On the whole, I enjoyed that season a lot, but while there were some tense and emotional moments for Dean (like his conversation with God), I found it very odd - and somewhat disappointing - that nobody ever mentioned the Mark again. After all, it was implied (or stated outright? I honestly don’t remember) that the Mark didn’t exactly change Dean; its power was preying on people, and taking their worst instincts to horrifying extremes. For instance, Dean kept hunting, but where he would normally give people a second chance, or find a solution that didn’t involve a full-out massacre, MoC!Dean never cared about that at all. However necessary it was for Dean to choose this burden (and even that is debatable), it led very directly to the death of a bunch of innocent people - Charlie, of course, but also the NoHomo hunter, knockoff Draco Malfoy and Rowena’s godchild (you’d think she’d mention him again at some point, or that Sam and Cas would bring him up in a kind of ‘Hey, remember when we slaughtered an innocent teen on the off chance his beating and bloodied heart could cure Dean? Good times’, but nope). To make matters worse, those four deaths happened in the space of a couple of days? And I get that Dean had other things on his mind soon after he was cured, but I still found it bizarre that they never came up at all. I mean - sure, there were subtextual clues and all that - when are there not, amirite - but to me, it was too weak. Honestly, it looked like Dean (and Sam, and Cas) just didn’t give a damn about the trail of destruction they’d left behind. Because this is what’s never acknowledged in S11: that those deaths were on them. Whoever got killed when Dean had the Mark: on them. And, more directly and unequivocally, all those people Amara killed: on them. That’s some powerful stuff, and yet it’s never explored at all, because it’s not what the current showrunner is interested in.

All this to say: in theory, post-Michael!Dean should be huge. The fact Dean took the decision so quickly was already a narrative blunder, considering how he’d been in exactly the same situation (and worse) in earlier seasons but had decided to say no to Michael. I mean - Dean’s free will and how it clashes with his need to help others - that’s the core of the character, and yet it took one line of dialogue to erase it into nothingness. Now, heading into S14 it looks pretty likely that Dean will rid himself of Michael very early - we’re talking two or three episodes, max, and apparently that’s our fault or something (don’t even get me started), which means this Very Meaningful and Earth-Shattering thing is already losing importance in favour of - I don’t know.

(More KFC demons? Lucifer’s cousin Throckmorton? Bobby and Mary’s budding romance and how that is finally the thing that turns Mary into a Tupperware wife and removes her from the boys’ lives in a believable way? I guess we’ll see.)

Will it have an effect on Dean? Obviously I can’t say for sure, but I doubt it. 

Like, for one, Michael has no beef with Dean, and vice versa. These two characters are not connected in any emotional way. To Michael, Dean is just a random and contemptible human; to Dean, Michael is just another over-ambitious freak in need of a good beheading. As for archangel possession - that’s tricky. Some guys are left empty shells; Sam wasn’t, and Cas wasn’t (and Dean is another main character, so he can’t be hurt too badly). Sam suffered a lot, but that’s because Lucifer hated him and had a personal vendetta against him. As a comparison, when Lucifer possessed Cas, he basically gave Cas a nice TV and never bothered him again, and I think that’s a more accurate description of the connection between AU!Michael and Dean. Neither of them cares enough for this thing to escalate. So whatever happens between them (Michael dies; Michael is kicked back to the AU!world; Michael finds another suitable vessel; Michael is forced into an unsuitable vessel), I don’t think there’ll be a lot of focus on how that changes Dean.

On the plus side, there are solid narrative reasons for that lack of focus to make sense. For instance, Dean’s never been the emotionally stunted troll fanon keeps pretending he is, but over the last two seasons he’s really made an effort to make his feelings crystal clear, and he’s been berated and ignored every single time. So if I were him, I don’t think I’d be very eager to confide in Sam ‘What about MY feelings?’ Winchester, Mary ‘Ew, I don’t want to be your mom’ Winchester or Cas ‘You humans make everything so needlessly complicated’ Winchester (he’s a brother now, right? even if for some reason we’re seeing him less than Jack). No, Dean is likely to keep his feelings private - despite the fact this experience should, logically, be a turning point for him. We know Dean has big issues when it comes to giving up control, and possession is - inevitably - also a metaphor for rape, which is - canonically? - a part of Dean’s past (look at Alastair’s unnecessary queering, for God’s sake). So a post!Michael Dean - he could have less confidence in himself, especially if his decision ends up doing more harm than good for some reason, or he could develop PTSD and decide to retire because he’s got nothing left to give (narratively sound, but not a place the show can afford to go to) or he could become nihilistic and even more determined to get his blaze of glory ending, and sooner rather than later (after all, we know he gets suicidal when he feels he needs to atone, so).

From a RL perspective, I don’t know how much of that we’ll see. Considering how little they used post-MoC!Dean, I think maybe we can expect some new crisis which will keep the focus off Dean’s feelings and opinions. On the other hand, S13 was basically a ‘best of’ of the Kripke era, so it’s possible that S14 will revisit the post-Hell!Dean theme in some way. I don’t know. Lately, the show seems determined to prove our heroes are Good People Who’ve Done Nothing Wrong Ever, so from that perspective Dean saying yes to Michael should turned out to be a Big Mistake, because Dean saying no to Michael is basically half of what saved the world the first time around. Then again, I’m not seeing a lot of coherence on that front (I’m on team ‘Why was the AU!world even about Mary’, sorry about that), so, really - everything is anyone’s guess. At this point, the one thing we can predict about Supernatural is that if you’re interested in the characters’ inner lives and in them actually evolving in some healthy way, you’re better off with fanfiction.

I apologize. I know that was depressing and bitter. Here is a baby owl.