#like i like letting people do whatever but also im allowing myself to be selfish. Once

[trainingdummyrabbit]

the mortifying aspec ordeal of wanting t draw fanart but 'if you tag this as ship No You Are Not.'

[silverislander]

gradually learning that coping w my anxiety is gonna require a level of what feels rn like narcissism (but i know logically is not). i have to respond to "what if everyone hates me" with "so what if they do, they can all have bad opinions if they want to, i hate some people too that's just life". going out wearing outfits i like but am nervous about with the mindset of "i look hot as shit and anyone who disagrees is wrong because it's subjective anyways". about half of trying to get over my fear of social situations has been me hyping myself up by telling myself that not only do i have as much of a right to be where i am as they do, someone there is going to be happy to see me for some reason

[agirlwithglam]

becoming selfish is the best thing i ever did.

✧*. * · ~ thewizardliz 💖🕯

💖 stop going into arguments with people who are not willing to listen. it is completely useless. if your boundaries were crossed, and the other person is not willing to say "im sorry for doing that, i won't do it again", then conversation over. its done. its not worth your time or energy.

🕯prioritise your own needs and wants. fill your own cup! are you okay? are you whole? if you don't want to do something, dont do it. whatever you want, comes first.

💖 stop being always available and trying to save everyone. if you keep on being there for people- again and again and again, you are letting people use you. people will only reach out to you if they have problems or they need help. but what about when everything is going good? then what? do they come to you? you are showing them that they can always come to you and you will always be there but that shouldn't be the case. be able to say "i dont want to listen to your problems today. i have enough of my own problems and goals to worry about." the only reason they come is because YOU allow them to come.

you ask yourself why does anyone not make sure i am ok? thats because YOU do not make sure you're okay. remember that you cannot save everyone. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO SAVE EVERYONE.

🕯sometimes god gives you situations so you can grow. also if you are constantly trying to step in for God to help and save everyone, you may also be sabotaging God's plan. people give certain problems/ situations in their life because God gives it to them so they can grow wiser and better! why are you trying to save them? its not your responsibility.

💖 be okay with people misunderstanding you. if you have a goal or a dream in your life, NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO UNDERSTAND YOU. people come from different households, religions, schools, etc. they will not understand you or have the same mindset/ heart as you. be OKAY with people not understanding you. they are not you.

"oh why did they hurt me/ treat me like that, i would never do that to them" honey, they're not you. they don't have the same personality or heart as you. if you're constantly gonna go through life thinking that everyone has the same heart as you, you will be hurt. i have done that so often thinking that i'm a good friend to them so they will do the same back, its not always true. you will be hurt. people are just different. and thats okay! let them be.

🕯realise that you can only change yourself. stop trying to change people. they will not change unless they are willing to. our human nature is comfort- humans love comfort. in order to change, it takes going through discomfort. it takes strength. some people are completely oblivious to themselves- they think that everything is perfect and nothing is wrong with them, etc. and yk what? let them be. you cannot change them. but you can change yourself. and if you do not want to change, you're not going to change. no one can force you to change unless you want to. by trying to change others and help them become their best version, you're wasting your energy to become YOUR best version and to create your dream life!

💖 stop needing people to validate your self worth. "i dont need anyone to tell me how good i am. i dont need anyone to tell me how beautiful i am or smart i am. because i see those qualities in myself already." KNOW who you are. if you get a compliment, say thankyou, be grateful. but don't crave it. be okay with not receiving it and not needing it because you already know that you're all that. if you need that compliment or words from other people, then they are basically in charge of you because their opinion can change your reality entirely and shake you. when YOU are the one that always creates your own reality! be strong in your ownself otherwise you'll be like their little puppet. know that you know what? im amazing. i've been through so much stuff in life but i'm still coming out strong and i'm still standing.

🕯treat yourself as your own best friend. talk to yourself! in her video, liz said that she talks to herself before bed and tells herself about her day. (for that i recommend videoing yourself! its so much fun) or when she's stressed she says to herself why are you feeling stressed? what exactly are you feeling? and then she tells herself and talks to herself. BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND. hype yourself up in your mind! comfort yourself, have a conversation, etc. give the advice to yourself. go on dates with yourself, hug yourself, love yourself.

💖 less chasing, more attracting. being feminine basically means letting it flow and go. being calm and at peace. being relaxed because you know that you attract all your blessings. when you're not desperately looking for things, or chasing after things, then your whole. your energy is whole. when the energy of desperation is gone, then you can attract everything you want into your life.

🕯only add great people to your life. make sure that whoever you date, are friends with, hang around- they need to add value to your life. its not only in terms of money, its also in terms of are you making me happy? are you reciprocating my energy? people that are always negative or always complaining, do not allow them into your life. do not be friends with people who are being miserable then complain about being miserable but don't do anything about it.

💖 stop seeking other people's permission to do whats best for you. you don't need someone to say "you can do it!" because you know you can. be independent- liz doesn't need to ask anyone for money because she is already making her own money. she is doing everything for herself. she has everything she need to support herself and people she loves.

like how cocky are you to think that you know be better than i know myself? lol. you have not been through what i have been through. you have not lived my life and yet you're here deciding whats good for me and what i should be doing? um, no thanks! xoxo.

[sphericalbee]

this is long asf and i know it STARTS w me being like 'i should kms' but im gna spoil it for u all and say that's NOT where it goes lmfao im just dumping out all my thoughts

!! very very rambly, not proofread even once, probably makes no sense and is very cheesy

i wrote a fucking novel holy shit LMFAO no hard feelings if u skip

if i can be kinda depressing for a second i think ab killing myself too much for someone who is basically fine (that might be a lie idk i don't feel like thinking ab it more rn) 😭 like the world just has so many issues i dont wna deal with,,, yk? and it would be so much easier to just move on to whatever's next, bc i KNOW ill have a fuckton of debt in college and have to live through miserable relationships and watch the earth fall apart bc our leaders r so incompetent. even now im living through like 5 genocides, insane global warming, a poverty crisis, inflation, and all of this can be boiled down to greed and hatred

also a lot of kids my age are so horrible for no reason and it's sad to think how many people just absolutely suck ass

but at the same time i won't kill myself bc there are people who i wna make sure get through everything alright, and ik i have good things to live through too

so ive compromised and decided i get to shoot myself in the head when im like 60 if i don't have a wife and the world is still a mess 💀 like i don't wna live longer than i'll enjoy it (lets be reallll global warming will kill us all before i have to do anything anyway)

surprisingly, i got a lot better after reading philosophy books? making sense of the world and appreciating the genius of the philosophers, who were ppl just like me, helps

i feel like ive found so many new ways to think ab and experience the world through philosophy. it's a beautiful part of humanity, trying to understand and having genuine fascination about the way things are and what everything means

good music helps too. yerin baek to fall in love with everything and cry over every single feeling you've ever had ever, universe mongae when that's too much and i have to detach

i listen to universe mongae a lot in class bc my classmates fuckingh SUCKK and she sets me apart from my emotions or feeling lonely when im leaving myself out on purpose bc they're not good people

a few days ago, i was listening to yerin baek as i walked back to school from lunch and the world was suddenly so beautiful and i realised how everyone else has a consciousness and worlds just as real as mine and i fell in love with everyone (by everyone i mean like 30 people)

suddenly i couldn't even care how much i missed out on or the people who i wish loved me more because in the grand scheme of things, im allowed to be careless and love without reciprocation and it won't matter because i hold no more worth than a dragonfly... to have zero expectations for what you could and should feel or be and just enjoy yerin's voice in the moment might be one of the happiest moments i've ever had, honestly

yk whats ironic? it was a love song directed as another person that made me realise i could feel love and not care if i was still no one's favorite. life is beautiful anyway because i can love and make it beautiful on my own

not that my state of 'im fine with loving everyone alone' will last very long. i mean,, im just a mammal LMAO i can't deny my own brain chemistry

even just earlier today i finished the math test earlier and accidentally started thinking ab my childhood. idk why it happened but i did

and i remembered how i was so selfish and couldn't let anyone see i was anything less than perfect

there's one memory where i mispronounced a word and a girl corrected me. and i immediately tried to say, "no i know, but my brother says it that way and i do it too on accident". she called me out, obviously, and i rolled my eyes before whispering "it's true though" in the hope that someone would hear and think "oh she actually knew that"

it's sad to think how i used to be. that's from around 7th grade, i think, so i would've been 11 maybe?

up to a few months ago i would randomly remember that and feel insane anger and hatred for my younger self

it seems so foreign to me now and weird that i could hate a child for being brought up with horrible conditions and lacking emotional maturity. i thought that if i could go back in time i would just look at her and feel bad bc i got so much better since then

maybe even love her idk she's not having fun either 💀 do u think she enjoys holding herself to absolute perfection and looking like a dumbass in front of everyone when that's inevitably impossible??

there was another time that made me so sad to think ab

i got dragged along to my brother's friend's birthday party and some kid did smth rude

and i watched as the kid got chewed out by his mom and then went to apologise to the birthday kid

and the birthday kid just said, so seriously, "I accept your apology"

and i remember thinking smth like 'whoa that's cool id be so embarrassed talking like that'

thinking ab that time (i think i was 12ish maybe) is so crazy. like my parents did such a shit job that i thought i had to be SO ALOOF and above it all that accepting an apology was weak and embarrassing?? jesus i cannot wait to move out 💀 ill send them an email when im gone telling them everything they'd send me back to therapy for

ive been reading too much philosophy, and a lot of that revolves around the meaning of life and how to achieve happiness/catharsis. but i think i have my own conclusion of what it means to be happy even without plato haha

ive never been happier than when i began to forgive and understand myself

it feels like i can live as i want and it's not important. one of my favorite quotes is "i could die tonight and hold no more significance than a dragonfly's death". i wouldn't say im a nihilist but i do like the idea that nothing means anything other than the worlds we have in our minds

it's my mission to make those i care about happy and carve out a good future for myself

ive tried to follow a lifestyle of "i work for my future without ruining my present" but ngl i just ended up anorexic literally three times in the past 5 years 💀 idek what i did wrong like DAMN?? chill tf out hggsdhgfsgd i had a panic attack over eating an extra bit of cheese one time

also fuck my parents for giving me no life skills. raising urself is really hard and you end up with so much internalised bullshit

im honestly so proud of myself for turning everything around after 8th grade

i guess i owe a lot to my classmates for not letting me get away w bullshit and caring ab political issues

it's pretty wild that i cry at movies now when last year i was apathetic all the time

i think i like having feelings? pretty undecided still ngl

i think it's a step up

but i can't even talk to my parents ab how they fucked everything up for me and i had to pull myself out pf the absolute trenchessssss or theyll make me do family therapy and ill end up forgiving them which id rather explode than do

anyway ig my point is if you're having trouble with existence or mental health, pls don't give up on yourself. i promise there's people out there who either love you or will in the future and you just need a few quality coping mechanisms to make it through the day

whether that's antidepressants, the powerpuff girls, philosophy (:33 which it should be), yerin baek (which it also should be), or vent art, find ways to make life liveable until you're ok again. bc you always will be in the end

i probably don't know you but i love you because you have a life and a consciousness

please recognise that about everyone

i read somewhere that everything will always be alright in the end and if it's not okay yet, it's not the end either. it sounds dumb and doesn't really make sense (where's the logic lmao site ur sources at least) but it's such a nice sentiment

i think ummm i will go to school and give all my friends a big hug tmrw so pls don't be sad in the meantime

anyway loossemble's new album is good im so happy for them

this is the happiest and healthiest hyeju's ever looked i lowkey wna cry over how well theyre doing ;v;

also highkey want her to put me in a chokehold like GHSFDFJFSDHGJK those ARMSSSSSS MOTHER??

fuck modhaus tho i hope artms r doing well... fucking jaden jeong ugh

[ryujnn]

Hello from 🍪 anon!

Thank you for being back and writing the best chapter! Not to sound selfish, but I don’t know why you doubt yourself when you have the best writings ever! But I understand, do please take your time. Just want to assure you that I really love Akuma and everything else you put out. ❤️ I was so excited when I saw that you posted!

For Akuma 😮‍💨, I had to compose myself after reding the latest chapters. I am curious about a LOT that will be unveiled in upcoming chapters. Just dumping here (pls ignore if annoying haha) :-

1. What was the deal between Gojo and YN’s mom?

2. Is Gojo not allowed to fall for YN or does he refuse to accept that he’s falling for her?

3. Say YN were to bear Gojo’s child (omg just thinking about it is so cute), will they have the elements as well?

Can’t wait to finally find out 😭 And YN falling for Gojooooo holy 😭😭 I love to see more of this, more of them.

Haha ok this is getting long and boring now, pls skip if u want. Once again, thank u for an amazing chapter, really excited for the next. Pls get some rest ❤️

cookie anon!!!! i missed ya!!! ♡♡ i love reading long asks about akuma, i recommend everyone do that because it helps me want to write it even more,, but let’s dive into your 🍪 thoughts!

1. that’s the million dollar question, right?! what the hell did himari promise gojo and what was their deal 🤨🤨🤨 obviously i won’t tell you (hehehe) but i can say i’m excited to write the readers reaction to it. her mother was her best friend… yet she wasn’t aware of their little ploy. ugh it’s so exciting,,,

2. now this i can answer. the gojo satoru makes it seem like he has no time for love, when the real scare is him loving for the first time. it’s not that he’s not allowed, he’s just scared, and you’ll figure out more to that in the next chapter im sure!!

3. hypothetical questions! my fave! ^^ there is a chance that their child will bear all five elements + gojo’s power OR it’ll just be one or two elements. honestly with the shio clan, it’s like rolling a dice and whatever number it lands on is the amount of elements they get. (but that would be so cute!!!)

YAAAY, i love knowing people are excited for the plot twists & secrets, but also for gojo and the reader. they’re truly the cutest!

🍪 ‘non, i love your long messages, don’t be afraid to send them! you’re not annoying and your kind words are always good to see them pop up in my inbox! i will rest, you rest too, and thank you for chatting with me about akuma!

[trash-iest]

1,4,12,15,23,35,38,40,4650,55,60,75,78,83,86. You don't have to answer these. It's alot I know and I'm sorry. Just.. curious 😅

1. What do you crave in a psychological sense? Intimacy, passion, purpose, belonging, social interaction, etc.?

Passion & purpose (im sorry it's impossible to choose one)

4. Who's the most important person in your life right now? Why?

Myself because i need to consistently work towards my 5 year goal. Its the bare minimum but feels a lot so im hoping ill adjust and become a better version of myself if not the best.

12. What's your most controversial opinion? Would you state it publicly? What's the most controversial opinion that you would publicly support, if it's different?

The moon is made of cheese and pluto is a planet. Oh i would shamelessly state that publicly and stick out my tongue if the other person tries to educate me on the matter (im sorry if you were looking for serious answers, we dont do that over texting)

15. Is there a song, book, movie, or other piece of media that has drastically altered your life? What was it, are there multiple?

This is stupid (but youre allowed to laugh at how basic i am) Book: 13 reasons why. So just a bit of context: Up until grade 7 i was an extremely insensitive kid like id mindlessly laugh at people in school, made fun of their insecurities and was completely clueless about feelings/emotions. It was just considered banter since i was the class clown but the way id gang up with my group and tease other kids was wrong, yet no one corrected this behaviour (tbf i didnt grow up with cousins and they rarely ever visited so there was no sense of realisation) Now end of grade 7 i came across this book and I casually started reading it like any other book and lets just say i didnt expect the traumatising details. It was nothing like the stuff i used to read and it ended up giving me the biggest reality check. I started analysing my behaviour and realised how i might be an actual bully and i couldnt fathom the thought of someone resorting to self harm or suicide because of my silly jokes so i stopped and apologised to those few people. Lets just say this book was the first step towards developing eq and becoming a better person.

23. What would you never admit to in real life?

A LOT of things. I cant really think of anything atm but i mostly just stay quiet when people say questionable shit because i dont have the energy to explain my pov and idc about their opinion lol.

35. What's wrong with you? Physically, mentally, whatever comes to mind. What's right about you? What are your best and worst traits?

Physically— i have a HUGE nose, kinda short, dont have grey/hazel eyes, i wear specs (doesnt look cute), my nails chip every time i grow them out and theyre not a natural pretty shape. Also, i dont feel pretty like an actual girl; im not elegant or any of that and neither am i a hot tomboy. Im just eh. (Edit: i just remembered the dark circles and i look dead without lipstick/lip taint lol)

Mentally— anxious sometimes but thankfully no more anxiety attacks. I feel like my major trust and commitment issues come under personality disorders but ill just list them here. My therapist said im stubborn and very rigid (and I believe him over anyone else) and quite frankly i feel incapable of forming a real human connection. To sum up my worst traits: Im mostly horrible at reciprocation, im always emotionally unavailable, im selfish, hella lazy, careless, stupid. Im definitely forgetting something so whenever I remember it ill add it here lol. My best traits: im very understanding when it comes to the other person needing their space. Im a good listener because i rarely have good advice or solutions lol. Im calm and rarely ever lose my temper which doesnt really last long. I believe in communication instead of letting misunderstandings grow until they explode (im guessing thats good because it has strengthened my friendships)

38. Who do you miss, if anyone?

My 15 year old self. She was so happy, loved the way she looked and was so mentally stable (i might be considered a narcissist at this point)

40. Would you sacrifice your life for a stranger? An acquaintance? A loved one?

I WILL SACRIFICE MY OWN LIFE FOR PAKISTAN (its hard for me to be consistently serious, bear with it pls)

46. Do you have a "right person, wrong time"?

Yeah feels like it

50. What qualities do you find charming?

Whatever prince charming brings to the table (its so hard to be serious about this im sorry it reminds me of middle school)

55. What reminds you of your childhood?

Certain songs, snacks and a few places.

60. What are you afraid of? What are your worst fears? Are you afraid of any of the following - the dark, fire, heights, being alone, people, spiders, snakes, blood, drowning, or death?

Betrayal/abandonment from someone i truly love, getting attached to the wrong person, staying unemployed after graduation, childbirth and raising my own kids, emotionally depending on someone and lizards 💀 Of the following: people, only the big spiders like tarantulas etc, snakes, drowning only because i dont know how to swim and its a very painful death from what ive heard so no thank you.

75. What is your favourite fairytale?

Definitely hansel and gretel because of that edible cottage (still such a dream) but I recently read the story of the youth who went forth to learn what fear was (grimm's fairytales) and its my favourite one as an adult now.

78. Have you ever written a poem or song about someone? Or had someone write one about you? Do you hope to have either of those experiences in the future?

Nope i havent. My best friend has written poetry for me, about 3 times. It was super cute but it constantly made me feel indebted because ive never made a grand gesture like that and what she wrote was proper poetry and she appreciates me so much. Ive only ever written her letters with my ugly handwriting yet she treasures them. Hypothetically if i do find someone in the future like that idk how id react but ill definitely be thinking about ways to reciprocate.

83. What's your type? Otherwise, do you think you attract a certain sort of person?

An aromantic asexual or at least someone whose love language isnt physical touch and theyre naturally not a cheezy person but i feel like im asking for a lot here since most people associate romance with their partners and what i say is considered abnormal or bs so lets not go there. Ill need to be attractive to attract a certain type of people or anyone for that matter lol.

86. What could you talk about for hours?

Honestly my chattiness depends on my mood or the type of day im having instead of a particular topic.

[keefwho]

May 27 - 2023

9:37 AM

Currently finding it difficult to focus on something. There are so many options and other things to think about. I feel upset that I don’t have more friends to turn to. I’m sad that Daisy is upset about her rats and debt. I wish I could do more for myself and others. I don’t even know what to say half the time. I’m still thinking about all the lost friendships I have and how I should be moving on. Also how I don’t want to keep adding to that pile. I don’t want to be alone, all because of how I am. 

10:39 AM

I hate having to take care of myself before I can take care of others. 

11:22 AM

I feel like the TOTK meme I’m making is stupid and a waste of time. I don’t even know if it makes much sense because I don’t have the full context of the story yet. Also the frame I used for ganon doesn’t make sense since it’s from the opening cutscene and I have Link responding to him with all the sage abilities already. Maybe I thinking too much into it but it’ll be stupid if it doesn’t add up. Also don’t know what to do for the background since inside the cave would definitely not make sense but that’s where I took ganon from. SO WHAT DO I DO

Maybe no background.

1:28 PM

Currently trying to distract myself from how much of a loser I feel like. I feel bitter at myself and everyone else. I wanted to socialize today but I am in no shape to do so properly. All else I know to do is to isolate. 

I keep remembering that something is very wrong with me. I keep getting comfortable thinking I’m happy but I am horribly fucked up. I don’t even feel like I deserve friends. Like it’s irresponsible for me to near anyone lest I bring them down with me. 

3:58 PM

It’s clear I’m not wanted but I don’t blame anyone. 

I let everyone down

5:22 PM

All I’m looking forward to tonight is giga drinking. Either alone or with people that don’t want me there. WOooo 

6:56 PM

lol im so fucking lonely

11:07 PM

FUCK the friendships of the past, if they let go then I will let go. At least with a couple of them I’ve tried to reach back out but they won’t reciprocate. Ultimately I don’t know who they are anymore, I am fond of who I knew them as, who they once were. They are all strangers now not worth my time. If hating them is what it takes then so be it. I want to move on from all the friendships that didn’t work out. If they were good things then they would still exist. There are good reasons each of them ended. 

No matter what, no matter how bad I feel, tomorrow I have to keep myself occupied. I know the consequences if I don’t. I know how bad it is when I am allowed to fester in my thoughts. I have to keep myself present in whatever I am doing at all costs. I’m tired of continuing this stupid cycle of mine. I just want to be happy. 

11:57 PM

Today was horrible, and still is. I basically didn’t do anything aside from play TOTK and finish a sketch. I hung out in VR for a little bit but I couldn’t get out of my own damn head. I’ve felt so excruciatingly alone because I fucking hate myself. I feel horrible that I feel this way, because it means I can’t have friends or be there for other people. I have to be selfish just to barely keep myself alive. 

I know it was sort of a joke but on Henry’s stream he said how important it is to be able to recognize yourself in a mirror and honestly tonight, I did not recognize who I saw. It was alarming. It’s like I was looking at someone else. Someone without a purpose or identity. I’m so afraid I’ll be alone forever because I can’t come to terms with accepting who I am. Who could ever be expected to put up with me like this. 

On top of that I’ve never felt like I’m someone’s priority. As much energy as I’ve put into others in my life, I don’t feel like it’s every been returned properly. I can’t tell if it actually hasn’t or if I have the inability to see it. 

I don’t know what to do. I feel like it is inevitable that I will lose the few friends I have and will never be able to make new ones. I feel like I will always be alone. And it’s all my fault. No matter how much I try to be a good person or cry about it, no one is there for me. I wish I could end it all. I don’t feel like I deserve to be on this earth. No one fucking wants me. I know it. 

12:33 AM

I’ve been frantically sobbing for about half an hour. I can’t stop. Please let me die, it would be so easy. I don’t think I’d be missed 

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

so this morning, while scrolling through my fb feed, i came across an nyt opinion/advice piece from a 27yo (ie basically me lmao) who is obviously lucky, in a sense, to finally land their “dream job using my (their) skills” etc. like obvs i can’t read it bc of the stupid “you get one free article a month if you either don’t have an account or subscription” (my one free article was used up reading an article about adult adhd like last week)….. thing that nyt does.

but anyway. back on topic lol. the crux of the article in both the headline and the quote snippet was that the advice asker was really dissatisfied with the 40 hour work week that came with her “dream job”. with how having this 40hr workweek gave her no time to do her busy chores like house cleaning or laundry or didn’t even give her time to let her have her hobbies/creative pursuits (whatever they were/are).

however, in the comments on the article (and apparently from those who read the article on the comments, the advice/opinion column writer) a good bunch of like gen Xer’s and baby boomers (im assuming) were ganging up on the asker like “suck it up princess, it’s what life is!!! i work 70+ hours a week and LOVE IT and have just resigned myself to the fact that i have NO time left over to do my “chores”! learn to O U T S O U R C E these life admin tasks to someone else!!! everyone MUST LEARN this in america!!! it makes life so much easier ☺️” and such.

of course, there were plenty of the same bs comments that you see on anything about careers or home ownership towards millennials/gen Z’ers about “learn to go WITHOUT and save save save and squander your time so that you NEVER live and HAVE FUN or TIME FOR HOBBIES! my bet is that your parents did that and they survived just fine while also raising your ungrateful spiteful ass (not including any type of health issues they might have picked up from such long hours/shitty working conditions) so why can’t you just L E A R N to do the same you precious spoilt brat!!! because the reality of Real Life™️ is that you can’t have it both ways!!! then you’ll have early retirement guaranteed, hopefully!!! and know that hobbies really are time wasters most of the time ☺️ or at least they were for me!!! and your precious so-called “creative pursuits” most definitely are time wasters. no one needs THOSE.” and so on so forth.

they also had jibes for her bc the asker wanted to start a family at some point apparently… and apparently it’s “much worse” once you have kids. like. thanks geraldine and henry. you’ve just told us how much you’ve resented having your kids/family in one fell swoop. your opinion which you’ve framed as unhelpful, condescending advice is now voided.

like. i don’t know how rhonda or paul or deandra or philip could miss the point so fucking entirely. why the fuck should anyone- nay everyone (bc that’s what they make it sound like)- learn to outsource their busy chores like laundry/house cleaning/grocery shopping or god knows what else- to someone else???? why is that apparently a standard expected to be learnt in the US???

like why the fuck are you so desperate for people not to have free time to do these things (unless of course they live in some of those shitty nyc or other big city apartment blocks that don’t come with individual private laundries in the self-contained flats or a communal laundry on like the bottom floor or w/e for example) frank????

deidre why the hell are you so bitterly hankering about “be grateful that you have it easier than most and learn that hobbies mean jackshit and just sell your soul and time to your boss!!! when will the generation stopping being “me me me!!!” and “work life balance!” and think about the company’s bottom line!! learn that “work life balance” is never important! work like a slave for 50 years and see if your valuable experience is needed then! that’s when you’ll learn that those hours where you were never being lazy, instead of just expecting life to be handed to you, will have paid off!” or whatever other ridiculously toxic capitalist bullshit they were spitting out.

obviously there were FAR MORE people actually supporting the question asker and echoing the idea that the 40hr workweek is now redundant. they were also putting down the opinion/advice piece writer’s advice to the asker….. that was apparently similar to the all the bitter people on the comments saying that the 27yo was just “asking for too much” and had to “learn to suck it up instead of being a petulant and overly selfish dick!!” etc etc etc. we all know the spiel as thoroughly as the macarena now.

because whats so fucking wrong with wanting time to yourself and wanting time to do your busy chores??? why the fuck should i be outsourcing these to other people (unless of course you’re still living at home and your parents are still like “hey what clothes do you need washed i’m doing a load rn” or you have a partner that works from home or has some type of parental leave etc)???? i want to do my own laundry. i want to do my own gardening (ok lawn mowing or tree lopping (if needed) i’d actually outsource bc i can’t lift or push lawn mowers bc they’re heavy af for me or and i obvs can’t use a chainsaw)… but i want to do my own grocery shopping. i want to do my own cooking (although i would consider the meal kit services once i had job that allowed me to afford like $50 a month for one of those meal kits sub services) i want to do my own cleaning.

why, if i lived in the US and not australia, am i just expected to learn to outsource all of these tasks even if i don’t have the money for it??? like why the actual fuck are so many of you so fucking weirdly proud of being absolutely worked into the fucking ground for your “great country” (although this is actually bleeding through to australia too and i hate it); working like literally close to 100 hours a week???

because i wasn’t aware you had to be whatever the fuck his name is from 127 hours and cut your fucking limbs off just to fucking survive a job in either corporate america or just let alone any goddamned job in america….. all so they can supposedly “learn to like working for free and devaluing your worth even more to your employer through overworking yourself and always being available!!! mental health is for those who aren’t built for the Real Adult World™️!!! this person is a prime example of the younger generations being weak and dissatisfied with life so often because of their “oh poor little me!!! care for me!!” act. NO ONE CARES FOR YOU today. stop being so over-expectant/demanding and juvenile!!! only YOU care yourself and you should NEVER expect someone else to pick you up from YOUR bootstraps!!! you’re fucking whiny and conceited babies. the lot of you!!!”

because i honestly don’t know who the fuck would enjoy working 70+ hours week with no time to themselves to do what they enjoy doing…. or enjoy having zilch time to catch up on errands and life admin duties or just general house chores; especially if you’ve moved cities or an entire fucking state/s away from your family and support network. let alone doing the same thing on 40 hours a week.

and on top of everything, let’s not even get started on the time spent commuting to and from work or even commuting for life errands/tasks etc etc- especially if you’re like me and you’re nowhere near the capital city’s centre (ie sydney australia for me) for there to be reliable enough public transport and longer commute times to certain places in those cities (that i’ve bitched about plenty before on other posts on here about work/jobs).

get your head out of your asses warren and viola et al and realise that work life balance is literally NOT ASKING FOR MUCH and is asking employers to just have basic respect for their employees time if they work fulltime. it’s literally detrimental to ones health if they have to sacrifice what feels like (or what is literally like) their entire fucking existence to their employer just for meagre pay and just to fucking survive.

because i read a heart-breaking article last night from huffpost (posted by buzzfeed on fb) about a woman in the US who literally hid her having a second baby from her employer for an entire fucking year (literally the entire pregnancy and birth of the baby and the first 6 months post pushing the baby out) during the pandemic all because she was scared she would get demoted or lose her leading of a project and lose her bs “temp” job which had really turned into full time work although the employer never said anything about it being actually full time hours or whatever…. and plus the lady herself was apparently to scared to ask to be put on the books fulltime too for some weird reason.

like honestly. fuck capitalism. fuck thinking that “work life balance is just too hard for employers to add and regulate. it’s an excuse and ploy for workers to be unprofessional, unproductive and lazy!” or whatever the fuck. everyone deserves time to themselves to pursue their interests/hobbies and busy chores/life admin. no one deserves to waste their entire life working 70+ work weeks for those employers who literally have no respect for their employees personal lives and time.

and particularly during the time that is the pandemic as we’ve seen so many companies having to learn to wholeheartedly embrace working from home and more flexible schedules for their workers. worklife balance is absolutely fucking beneficial for everyone involved.

america fix your bullshit work ethic right now lmao.

[pradaksj]

AOT THEORY 139

AOT THEORY/RANT ‼️ DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE NOT A MANGA READER // 138 SPOILERS

ok so im like 90% sure that Eren has been going through a time loop and that dream or alternative reality or whatever with Mikasa was just one of the many or  multiple times he’s lived that reality. When he closed his eyes and Mikasa said “see you later Eren” he then wakes up under the tree bc the time loop isn’t allowing him to live that peaceful reality and he also sends those memories of that alternative reality to the Eren of the past. 

So in other words he MUST go through with the rumbling in order for the time loop to stop. When he asked Mikasa what he meant to her and she said “family” , that was his sign that the time loop was broken and the only way to move forward was to continue with the rumbling. Had she answered any different and they would’ve lived in the cottage with him dying and waking up under the tree once again. 

In the right panel along with the top left, we see Mikasa with the shortest her hair has been, which is why when Eren wakes up he questions her hair length. 

I think 139 will be Eren finally admitting everything to us (the readers) on how he’s lived through the time loop many many times, trying to find a different loop hole with each and every time it ending up with him waking up under the tree. Thus meaning the ONLY way to break the time loop has always been to continue with the rumbling aka the only way to move forward. 

To add to this, Kruger himself says “save Mikasa, Armin, and everyone else” never does he mention saving Eren. Eren can’t be selfish because every time he is, the time loop just starts over again. So by continuing with the rumbling Eren enters a timeline that’s never occurred meaning it’s a new beginning BUT he has to die in the end in order for the time loop to stop. 

Ymir will most likely revert all the eldians into humans and remove their ability to become titans thus making them “normal’ beings with the world starting anew, absolutely FREE. 

Historia’s child will be the first Eldian to be born “free” of the curse, war, bloodshed, etc. Maybe Eren is her baby daddy (honestly I dont care bc im not a shipper for either EH or EM or anyone for that fact) but ive been thinking that Historia’s going to be dead from childbirth or something (this is just a random long shot btw) and that MAYBE it’s Mikasa holding the baby in the final panel saying “you are free” which is bittersweet because it’s all Eren’s ever wanted but will never get to experience. I'm only saying it could possibly be Mikasa because of her short hair. 

And so the whole point of AOT has always been TO BREAK THE TIME LOOP.

I know a lot of people fear of the last chapter ending with him waking up but 138 is that. It’s showing us that he’s been waking up under that tree for who knows how long but we’re now watching for the first time is the time loop being broken. 

Now like I said I’m not even 100% confident and im sure there’s even better theories than this with better explanations but idk man the time loop is definitely the most plausible theory I think especially if there’s only one chapter left. 

Also something that stuck out to me that doesn’t really add to this rant but more of the time loop is when Zeke says ...

“I guess I wouldn’t mind being born once again after all.” 

when I read 137 that was the line that had me ?????? and I felt like no one was talking about it 😭 (on twitter at least). idk if this means he really will be reborn as historia’s baby or??? hopefully yams ties this in 139. 

Who knows maybe Eren’s body is in Paradis and he really will let everyone die, and it'll ultimately be him holding that baby in the end. or isayama can do a complete mind fuck to us and have it be grisha holding a baby Eren and restart the time loop. IDK IDK IDK but im literally this meme 

I feel like I could add more to this to make my theory stronger but I legit just needed to rant and get this out my system bc I felt myself going crazy. ANON OR MESSAGE ME ur thoughts and theories, I need someone to discuss all of this with. 

[yn-dreamlife]

Can you hear me?

Bakugo Katsuki x reader (hero name: Elementas)

Quirk: Quantification of Emotions (shorten to QoE), basically whatever emotion your feeling strongest (out of six) will allow you to control that element. Your hair also changes to that color. 

Emotions: 

Anger, vivid red, wind

Sadness, pastel blue, water

Longing/Love, white, light

Happiness, pink, fire

Loneliness, black, darkness

Confusion/Anxiousness, green, earth  

Summary: There was a villain attack and as your about to die you think of your last words to Katsuki.

warings: yelling, swearing, angst, like ANGST, character death, blood, villan attack, blood, depression, fluff?

Song: Train Wreck, James Arthur  (I hope that works, I've never done this before) 

Word count: 3206

Laying in the silence Waiting for the sirens Signs, any signs I'm alive still

Coughing I look around me. “Wha-” I place a hand on my forehead feeling a liquid underneath my palms. “What’s happening?” I speak as my ears ring and I see a red fluid on my hand. 

I look around and see the chaos around me. All around me is ruble, I can't see an inch of sky. I look around seeing the dust flying around the air, the small fire scattered around trying to find anything amongst the concrete to consume and stay alive with. 

At least I can't see any civilians around me, thats a good sign. As I continue to assess my surroundings, even with my blurry vision and ringing ears know that the villain is gone, or at least not near me. 

When I finally look down at my own body I wince. There was a giant metal rod sticking out of my abdomen, I guess the adrenaline must be preventing the full brunt of the pain. As I look at it and see the amount of blood being lost I know I won't be saved. 

I don't wanna lose it I'm not getting through this

Tears well in my eyes as the regret swims into my heart. I don't want to die like this. I don't want to die not knowing if everyone is safe. I don't want to die not knowing if Katsuki is okay. I don't want to die in pain. 

Of course every hero knows the risk, we’ve known since we where in high school. But it doesn't mean anyone actively wants this to be there way out. 

Everyone deep down hopes for a peaceful death. Or at least to die with those we love. 

Hey, should I pray? should I pray To myself? To a God? To a saviour who can Unbreak the broken

What if I could make it? What if I scream loud enough? Can I even scream right now? And even if I can who's to say it'll get to the surface? And I would want them to get the civilians first. “Damnit!” I try to yell but all I can manage is a weak whimper. 

“I should be stronger than this!” I said as my throat constricted. ‘God I sound just like Suki.’ the thought of him makes my heart clench. ‘I shouldn't have said all those things. I shouldn't have-’ I was swept up in the memory of my last conversation with him. 

Unsay these spoken words Find hope in the hopeless

“Jesus y/n what is wrong with you?!” He screamed at me. “Like can you calm the fuck down for once?!” 

I scoffed at him whirling around on him. “I need to calm down?! Don’t you tell me to calm down!”

“You're the one who started all of this!” He screamed at me. 

“And you’re the one who flirts with other people!” I fire back. 

He scoffs again, “I wasn't flirting with her! It’s not my fault you're so insecure that you think that you shitty woman!” 

My face drops slightly more sadness seaping into my heart. “Why do you think im so insecure Kasuki? You call me shitty woman every other sentence! You talk about how great other girls are and how strong they are! You-” 

“You know thats just how I am! And I don't talk about them romantically im taking about them from a hero stand point! Shouldn't you be happy now that I don't look down on every single person!” He screamed his quirk popping off in frustration. 

“Yeah I know thats how you are but it still an hurt me you dick! And it’s different when those girls are clearly in love with you!” he scoffs “If you tell me they aren't I swear to god you must be really blind!” I scream again. 

“Of course I don't notice because why would I when I have a girlfriend!|?!” He screams. 

“Do you?!” I shout the words spilling out of my mouth. “Because it doesn't always feel like you want to!” his next words break my heart. 

“Maybe I don't!” I watch his face drop the second the words leave his mouth. “y/n- wait I didn't-” But I cut him off as my alarm goes off. 

“I have to go to work. At least I know they need me.” I whisper bitterly. 

“Y/n wait! We can't leave it like this!” he calls frantically after me. 

“You never had a problem leaving me heartbroken before. Why care now?” and with that I got in my car driving away as the tears streamed down my face. 

Pull me out of the train wreck Unburn the ashes

When I got to work I quickly dismissed anyone at my hero agency as they asked what was wrong. I even ignored Kirishima, who was one of my best friends. “Go ask you ‘Bakubro’” I muttered bitterly at my fellow hero. 

I looked to my side kick, she was nice. She wasn't a cocky self assured teen like me and my classmates where. Both me and her quickly left to patrol. I was happy when she started rambling about the latest guy she found an interest in instead of asking me what was wrong. 

Not that I didn't appreciate my colleagues concern I just didn't want to think about it. Or I didn't want to talk about it, theres no way im not thinking about it. Even now, I couldn't help but tune out my sidekick/intern as my thoughts where consumed with my final words. 

“You never had a problem leaving me heartbroken before. Why care now?” Damnit I know thats not true and yet I still said it. Katsuki always at least texts me after wards, and he’s never left without muttering some form of I love you. I moved to pull out my phone when I suddenly heard screaming. I look up to see five of our most wanted villians up ahead wreaking havoc. I stop my phone Turing to my intern who looks ready to fight.    

Unchain the reactions, I'm not ready to die, not yet Pull me out of the train wreck Pull me out, pull me out, pull me out

”No.” I said placing a hand on her shoulder. She looks at me shocked as I continue. “I need you to help civilians.” 

She hesitates,”But I can help-” 

“I know but these guys are to strong. Please trust me, I want you making it out of this alive. Go help the civilians. If you have to I give you my permission to use your quirk for defense and defense only. Do you understand?” No response 

“Minako!” she stares at me “Please, you're like my kid, don't make me beg.” Tears well in her eyes and she nods before running off and I run onto the scene.

I should have known the second I asked her not to fight that this wouldn't end well. I should of said something to him before I left. I should have- 

  Pull me out, pull me out Underneath our bad blood We still got a sanctum, home Still a home, still a home here

I was pulled from my thoughts as coughs ripped there way through my throat. the pain in my stomach worsening. Was I really going to die like this? Filled with regrets and what ifs? 

No. I still have people to live for. I still have things I need to do, things to say. A man to kiss and marry and love all I can do know is hope. 

‘Please, damnit if someone is out there please help me. I know I don't pray enough, hell I know I don't deserve this but god damnit Im selfish. Im selfish and I want to live longer. I want to get married and have kids. I want to at least kiss him one last time. I don't even have to live, just let me hear him say I love you one last time. let me hold him again.’ 

As these thoughts consumed me I didn't notice the light blooming around me becoming brighter and brighter. 

It's not too late to build it back 'Cause a one-in-a-million chance Is still a chance, still a chance

“Y/N!!” I heard someone scream. “Y/n baby hold on!” he screamed again. My light glowed brighter. 

“Katsuki!” I cried. 

“Thats right! Im here princess I’m gonna get you out of there okay?!” I dint respond knowing he wasn't really answering. 

“Hurry Deku please!” Deku was here? after a moment he spoke again “Riot! Cellophane! Thank god you are here! Please you have to help me I can't blast through the rubble I might crush her!” He cried frantically. 

I saw some rubble begin falling next to me and screamed on instinct. “Oi be careful!!” He screamed. 

“Ground zero!” I heard a familiar voice. 

“S-sensei?!” 

‘What? Easers here? But- he's retired.’ 

“You need to stop shouting, your friends are here trying to help you. We both know they mean her no harm.” I can only assume he nodded because there was no more shouting, but there was also no more anything. Not a single sound. 

And I would take those odds Unbreak Unsay these spoken words

“H-Hello?” I called 

“Don't worry Y/n-chan we’re still here!” I heard deku yell. I sighed relieved. 

“Y/n!” I heard red riot or as I know him Kirishima call out. “Pop quiz whats Eraser heads child named?!” He yells out, and confusion builds in me. 

‘What? He has a kid? Oh my god is the kid here?!’ I thought anxiously. 

“Now!” I hear cellophane or Sero scream and before I knew it the rubble was being ripped away but I saw some coming towards me before I could think I manipulated the earth around me into a ball. 

“Yes!” I heard them all collectively say, except for katsuki. 

“Y/n! You're okay its okay!” He said as I placed the earth back and he ran over to me. He went to touch me but stopped short. “Oh god, princess!” he exclaimed looking down at my abdomen. 

Find hope in the hopeless Pull me out the train wreck 

“We need some help over here! Anyone who has a strong healing quirk get over here now we have a hero down!” He screamed but I didnt care about the pain, I didnt care about the medic. All I cared about was him. 

“You came.” I whispered he looked to me and cupped my cheek. 

“Im always gonna come for you.” He said softly smiling down at me as tears leaked from both our eyes.  

“Im sorry.” I whimper out and he shakes his head. My eyes begin feeling heavier. 

“no no no!” he says shaking me slightly “Don't apologize just keep your eyes open for me, yeah?” 

“Can you hold me?” I whisper. 

“I can't move you if I do-” 

“Please suki, I want to feel you hold me one last time.” I whimper my eyes getting heavier. 

                                                                                       Unburn the ashes Unchain the reactions, I'm not ready to die, not yet

“Well then I have great news, and that’s the fact that I’ll hold you for the rest of our lives but I can't move you princess.” I shake my head smiling sadly. 

“Katsuki.” I hear a soft voice whisper and look to see a teary eyed Kirishima.

“N-no!” he screams at him. “She’ll be fine!” he looks to me now. “you’ll be fine!” I shake my head my hair turning a murky blue. 

He relents and eventually very quickly pulls me off of the pipe. But I don't make a sound, I don't even wince. I don't feel the pain at all my body to numb.  

Pull me out the train wreck Pull me out, pull me out, pull me out Pull me out, pull me out, pull me out                                                              

I smile as he pulls me into his arms, “Thank you.” I whisper. 

“Anything for you princess.” He cups my cheek and wipes the tears that are still slipping from my eyes. 

“Im sorry.” we say in unison. 

“I shouldn't have been so insecure.” I whisper, and he shakes his head.  

“No baby no. I shouldn't have been so insensitive and I shouldn't have said what I said. I never question my love for you, or me wanting to be with you.” He says placing his forehead on my own. 

“I love you.” I whisper. 

a sob leaves his throat. “I-i love you too.” he sobs holding me to him. I try to lift my hand but I can't. I feel a gentle material curling around my wrist and pulling it around his neck. I look to see Mr. Aizawas capture weapon I smile up at him. 

“Damnit where are they!” Katsuki yells pulling away from me. I see a team frantically running to us but before they get to me I feel my eyes growing to heavy. 

“Be happy...Suki” I whisper as the darkness envelops me. 

You can say what you like 'cause see, I would die for you

I, I'm down on my knees and I need you to be my God Be my help, be a savior who canUnbreak the broken

Katsuki watches as you eyes close, “N-No!” He screams. “Hurry up , please!” He calls out to the people who run impossibly quicker. Once they get there and he has to place you down he automatically wants to hold you again. But he's held back and he sees its Deku who’s holding him back. 

He wants to rip his hand off of him but he can't find the strength in himself so he relents and allows the freckled boy to pull him away. He sees his red haired friend and doesn't hesitate to accept the hug he gives him. 

he balls his hands against the gears of his friends hero costume. “Damnit kiri I can't lose her!” he sobs. No one says anything, theres nothing they can say. No words can comfort the fiery blonde except for your own.  

but he does pull away from his friend as he sees them placing you on a gurney and begin rushing away. 

“Wait!” he calls after them. 

“Sir you can't come with us you have to meet us there its to risky!” A female medic says as sets pumping oxygen into your lungs. 

“I can drive you!” He hears a voice behind him say quickly. He turns to see who only to see your side-kick Minako. He nods and quickly runs to her car. 

The drive there was silent, he isn't even mad at her which shocks both of them. She breaks the silence whispering, “She begged me to help the civilians.” he nods still remaining silent. “I should have- I should have been there.” just then a sob rips through her throat. 

Katsuki looks to her remaining silent for a long moment. “She would have been devistated if you had you gotten hurt.” he whispers. 

“huh?” she glances over to him quickly before looking back to the road. 

“she talks about you all the time, she feels a motherly bond to you.” he whispers. 

“s-she was serious about that?” She asks wiping her cheeks.

“Yeah, maybe because she never had a mother figure or maybe because you remind her so much of herself. But she does, and I know she's tankful for all the civilians you helped save.” The girl nods smiling softly.  

Unsay these reckless words (find hope in the hopeless) Pull me out of the train wreck

When they arrive to the hospital they both quickly run to the front desk. 

“Elementas, I need to know what room elements is in!” Bakugo cries. 

“Mr. Ground zero sir you can't see her yet.” the nurse states standing up and stopping him from running off. 

“Why the hell not?!” He screams fist firing off slightly.

“She had to go straight into surgery.” the woman states calmly. Bakugo grunts as he sits down. 

twenty minutes later the same nurse approaches. “Sir they've already set up her room you tow may wait for her there but when they ask you to leave you-” before she could finish Minako interrupts. 

“Understood.” she says quickly. The nurse nods giving them the number and they make there way there. 

It was another half hour when Kirishima showed up with a spare change of clothes for Bakugo and offered to drive Minako home so she could rest. She only left when he promised to keep her updated. He changed into his civilian clothes before he finally sat down on the chair next to the bed you would soon be in and before he knew it he was asleep. 

Unburn the ashes Unchain the reactions, I'm not ready to die, not yet

When he woke he looked around confused but he perked up when he saw a nurse. “Sir we need to get her settled and then you can come back in.” He nods quickly heading back t the waiting room. The quicker he left meant the sooner he would see you. 

It was fifteen minutes later when a doctor approached him. “How is she? Is she okay?” He asks anxious. 

“she sustained grave injuries. A head wound which concussed her. Five broken ribs, a punctured lung. Not to mention the damage from the pipe in her abdomen. But other than these things she is fine.” The doctor said as he walked away. Katsuki quickly made his way back to your room as he saw your eyes blink open. 

Pull me out of the train wreck Pull me out, pull me out, pull me out Pull me out, pull me out, pull me out

“Y/n!” he called happily. You looked pail, and honestly an inch from death, but never in his life had he been so happy to see you. 

You smiled at your boyfriend as he walked into the room. “Suki.” You whispered holding a hand out to him. He quickly came to your side taking it and covering it in kisses before moving up your arm and kissing your face. He placed a loving kiss on your lips before placing his forehead on your own. 

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again.” He whispered. 

You chuckled but winced. “easy there princess your ribs might not be happy with you for a while.” he says cupping your cheek and you nodded. It was a long day between all the visitors. Wether it was a crying Minako who had heart felt apologies and confessions with you. Or a group of your former classmates coming to make sure you where alright. Or even a soft spoke Mr. Aizawa who came once Katsuki had left to get you and himself some food. 

By the end of the day you where exhausted and you where more than happy to allow your boyfriend to carefully lay next to you only intertwining your legs and holding your one hand with his own while the other rested on your cheek. 

“Hey y/n, what you said about me being happy,” Katsuk whispered and you hummed for him to keep going. “I’m going to be... with you.” with a soft exchange of I love you’s and a sweet kiss after that you where both asleep. 

[gxlden-angels]

Death, Sacrifice, and Purity Culture TW

I hate the martyr complex I developed the last few years I was christian and I can't tell if it's because of christianity itself, my church's insistence that I was "one of the good ones" or because I tried to force myself into a progressive form of it or a bit of all of them. This one gets a bit personal

Like I was praised by people at church all the time for being kind and respectful. I was told I was a good christian girl because I was soft spoken and didn't do much outside of going to school. I didn't participate very much out of my own will, but I didn't cause trouble either. I basically started basing my identity around being good, innocent and pure

The few times I didn't just go along with everything and let people do whatever, I was told I was abandoning Jesus and choosing the Devil or told Im being prayed for to do the right thing (read: what they want) or told I should take time to talk to G-d about it (read: I'll give you time to think about the consequences of not choosing what I think) so I started associating me not wanting to do something as a trial. Too sick for church? Just another trial. This testimony/message/prayer gave me a panic attack? That means it's working! I'm enduring it. My suffering is bringing me closer to Him

And then I kept insisting that I was a "modern christian" with "modern views" and all the christians that were treating me wrong were old, fake christians who just didn't understand, which just made me feel like I had to defend christianity as a whole from both sides all on my own. I put the weight of the entire, hundreds of years old, religion on my shoulders

So now I have this combination of feeling like I must be pure and sacred but must also suffer for it. A metaphorical virgin sacrifice willing to die for this singular set of christian beliefs I was scrambling to justify and reconcile with the christianity I was raised on. I will call G-d she/they to fight the misogyny/lgbtphobia forced on me. I will stop fully believing in Hell to fight my fear of going there for being lgbt. I'll retranslate to change this. I'll analyze to justify that. I Will die on this hill, hated most by those I love, and I Will be the image of perfect holiness when I do. I must give and give and give until there's nothing left because that is my fate and I will die doing this and people would remember how pure and kind I was because I'm the light of the world

I'm learning to live for myself now though. Kindness and respect are good, but I do not have to suffer for others' sake. That is not my place. That is not my fate. I am not a candle; my purpose isn't to burn away to be a light for others. I am allowed to be happy and selfish. I do not have to die a hero.

[midnightsnyx]

Matthew Tkachuk - In Your Dreams: part 2

a/n: a couple people requested a part 2 and i couldn’t help myself!! thank you for all the love on part 1!! <3  also im bad at writing cheesy romance so i apologize in advance at how bad it will be lol

part 1 here

warnings: angst, fluff, insinuated smut (i may get there some day folks but today ain’t that day)

word count: 2967

tag list: @buckybarneshairpullingkink​

my masterlist

Matthew Tkachuk

“Are you sexting my brother?”

You yelp when Brady drops on the couch beside you and snatches your phone from your hand. Luckily, you were only scrolling through Instagram so he didn’t see the suggestive texts you and Matt had been exchanging all morning.

After the summer, you and Matt had been texting back and forth, trying to get used to the idea of talking without insulting each other. It was much easier than you were expecting and you discovered rather quickly that you enjoyed talking to him. He was sweeter than you’ve ever seen, thoughtful, good-humored and you were completely infatuated with him.

After a couple months of texting and Facetime, you flew to Calgary to spend the weekend with him. He wined and dined and took you to his bed and you hated having to leave.

You snatch your phone back. “No. Although I’m not sure why you would want to see them.”

“I don’t!”

“Keep your nose out of my business then.”

. . .

“Heck no.” Brady says when you meet him at the Canadian Tire Centre. “Oh, heck, no. You’re not wearing that!”

You look down at you Calgary Flames jersey and shrug. Matt sent it to you and asked if you would wear it for tonight’s game because the Sens were facing off against the Flames.

“I mean, technically, it still has your name on it.”

“You’ve betrayed me!”

You roll your eyes at him. “You’re being dramatic. Look,” you lift your jersey up to show a Sens t-shirt with number 7 on it. “See? Now c’mon, you have a game to play.”

He follows you like a sad puppy and sighs. “My own brother is stealing my best friend. You know, I think I liked it better when guys hated each other.”

You groan and shove his shoulder. “Grow up.”

 Along with buying your jersey, Matt also bought your ticket so that you’d be on the visitors side. Which means he spent most of warm up showing off to you as if you’ve never seen him play before which you have but you’ll never admit it to him.

It’s an intense game and you’re not sure who you’re cheering for half the time but they go into overtime so at least they’ll both get a point.

Matt ends up scoring the winning goal and when he points to you and mouths, that one was for you, you think your heart might burst out of your chest.

. . .

The two of you haven’t put a label on whatever you are and part of you is okay with it because it is fairly new but you’re also worried about what he does when the two of you aren’t together which is quite a lot. Sure, he sends you flowers and calls you after every game no matter how tired he is. He texts you every morning and calls you before you go to bed and it makes you feel special but sometimes you can’t help but wonder if he does this for other girls and if it makes them feel special too.

It’s something that’s on your mind on a weekend that Matt brings you to Calgary. He had practice in the morning so you’re hanging out at his apartment waiting for him to come home. You’re cooking lunch when you hear the front door open, and Matt calling out to you.

“Babe, I’m back!” He shouts and your heart swells at the term of endearment but it drops when you think about him calling other girls that when you’re not around.

His arms wrap around your waist and he presses a kiss on your neck.

“Something smells good.”

“Yeah, it’s fettuccine… I think I might’ve messed it up a-”

“I’m not talking about the pasta.” he mumbles, pressing more kisses down your neck.

“Oh?” you squeak and you really shouldn’t, because you’re still worrying about not being the only one, but you let him drag you to bed anyway.

Later that night, long after he’s asleep, you’re trying to ignore the taunting voice in your head reminding you that he might be holding other girls like this. Reminding you that someone else might also wake up to his sleepy smile and messy hair.

. . .

“So you’re her.”

You raise your eyebrows at Johnny Gaudreau, who Matt had introduced you to when the two of you first arrived at the bar. He introduced you as Brady’s friend and when you looked at him, he just shrugged.

You’re not sure what you were expecting - certainly not saying you were his girlfriend - but Brady’s friend? It was bothering you and you were doing you best to hide it but you knew you were failing because Matt had been sending you weird looks all night all while basically ignoring you. He’s barely touched you since you sat with his friends.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You reply, glancing at Matt who is deep in conversation with one of his teammates.

“He talks about you a lot.” Johnny shrugs. “I thought you two were dating.”

“Apparently not.” You mumble, standing up and giving Matt a quick look. “I’m going to get a refill.”

You leave before he can reply and push through all the sweaty bodies trying to get to the bar. While you’re flagging down a bartender, someone sits on the stool next to you. You look, expecting it to be Matthew but instead it’s a stranger. A handsome stranger so when he offers you to pay for your drink you almost say yes but a familiar arm wraps around your shoulder.

“Thanks, but no thanks.” Matt says, glaring at the man until he mutters an apology and leaves. When he’s out of sight, Matt turns so he’s facing you and now you’re the one on the opposite end of his dirty look.

“What the hell was that?” He snaps and you scoff, shrugging his arm off you.

“Excuse me?”

“You were going to let him buy you a drink!” He says loudly and you glance around but nobody seems to be paying attention to you thankfully.

“It was a drink, Matthew. I wasn’t inviting him home.”

“Well I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.” He says harshly and you flinch. His eyes widen immediately and he reaches out but you hop off the stool and run out of the bar, ignoring him calling your name.  

You run out of the bar and down the street until you come across a quiet diner. A bell dings when you open the door and a kind looking, older woman greets you and tells you to seat yourself.

You’ve been sitting in the diner nursing a glass of water for no more than fifteen minutes when the bell rings, signally a new customer.

You don’t have to look up to know who it is but you do anyway and you’re greeted with a very guilty looking Matt. He slowly walks over and seats himself across from you.

“How’d you find me?”

He shifts in his seat and stares at the table instead of you. “I tracked you on snapchat.”

You swear under your breath for not turning that option off. When you look at Matt again, his eyes are on you already. He opens his mouth to speak but you cut him off right away, wanting to speak your mind before he says anything.

“You introduced me as Brady’s friend.” you say quietly and he nods. “you barely spoke to me the entire night and then you got possessive when that guy spoke to me.” he nods again and you sigh. “look, Matt. I’m not asking you to say something you’re not comfortable saying or you’re not ready to say - I don’t think I’m ready for it - but you’re not allowed to act like I’m nothing to you when there are people around but get jealous if someone talks to me. And you’re not allowed to say what you said to me. That was unfair.”

“I know.” he replies. “and I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you, I was out of line.” He looks back down at the table and you know he’s trying to think of what to say so you give him a moment. “I know it’s selfish… but I guess I just want you to myself a little while longer. I like the two of us in our bubble and that bubble is going to be popped when people find out about us. I’m in the spotlight, people are going to want to know our business and I don’t want it to freak you out.”

You nod in understanding. You were aware of how the media can be and it’s not something you look forward to.

“I’m scared.” He admits and you reach across the table, squeezing his hand.

“I’m scared too.” you tell him, lips turning up in a tiny smile. “but it’s better to be scared together than alone, right?”

He mirrors your smile and leans across the table and you meet him halfway.

. . .

You spend Christmas with the Tkachuk’s and Matthew proudly introduces you as his girlfriend and Chantal and Taryn squeal, Keith smiles and hugs you and Brady rolls his eyes and says “I knew this would happen all along. The two of you should really thank me.”

Matt blushes when his mom gushes about how glad she is that he found someone like you and that she had a feeling the two of you were meant for each other but later that night he tells you how happy he is that you gave him a chance.

The two of you debate over how it would be best to tell everyone you’re dating and you decide on a cliche but simple post to his Instagram.

It’s a picture of the two of you standing in front of the tree, his arms wrapped around you and lips pressed against your forehead. The caption reads, it wasn’t love at first sight, but we turned out okay.

It accurately sums up your relationship perfectly and you tease him about how long he’s had that one in his back pocket.

But it still makes your heart race and you want to shout I love you from the rooftops.

. . .

It’s not easy being 2877 kilometers apart and it becomes more obvious the longer the two of you are together. You fly to Calgary as often as you can but you still have school and Matt can’t visit Ottawa much because of his hockey schedule.

It’s a test for the two of you - and your relationship - and sometimes you feel frustrated and you wonder if you can do it but you think about when Matt Facetime’s you nearly every night that you’re apart from each other and you know that it would break your heart to live without seeing his curly brown hair and blue eyes and hearing his voice so you tell yourself it’s worth it.

And it is, until it isn’t.

. . .

“I don’t understand what the big deal is.” Matt says, obviously frustrated.

The two of you had been arguing for hours. You were graduating in less than two weeks so you’re job searching and when Matt brought up the idea of you moving to Calgary with him to get a job, you panicked.

You have been together for just about eight months now and you know that it’s normal at this stage to move in with someone but you were scared. There’s always been the fear in the back of your mind that one day Matt is going to wake up and decide that you’re not who he wants and if you uproot your entire life in Ottawa for him, you don’t know what you would do if something happened between the two of you.

But you couldn’t explain this to him so you kept making up lame excuses as to why you couldn't move in with him.

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” You say quietly and he huffs.

“Can you please just think about it?” He pleads and you’re tired of arguing that you just agree even though your answer will still be no when he asks.

“I love you.” He says and you smile softly. One thing about Matt is that no matter how big an argument and even if it’s not solved right away, he tell you he loves you.

“I know. I love you too.” You say before he ends the call.

You flop back on your bed and even though it’s only seven o’clock, you feel ready for bed. Ten minutes later, you’re just dozing off when you hear your door open and slam shut. You would freak out but you hear Brady call out to you and you tell him you are in your room.

You expected him to come over because when you and Matt argue, he makes sure to check on you.

What you’re not expecting is to see him fuming with anger.

“You’re an idiot.” He says.

“Excuse me?” You snap and he huffs, putting his hands on his hips and glaring at you.

“You love my brother, right?” he asks and you nod. “and he loves you.” you nod again and he raises an eyebrow.

“So why won’t you move in with him?”

You roll your eyes and sit up. “It’s not that simple, Brady.”

“Why not?”

“It’s just not.” you say because you don’t actually have a valid explanation. You know most of your reasons are foolish but you can’t help it.

He sighs and sits on the bed next to you. “What’s going on in your head? We’re best friends, you can talk to me about anything.”

You look at him and can’t help but smile. Brady always had a way of making you feel better when you were kids.

“I guess I’m scared.” You admit quietly and he knocks his shoulder against yours more gentle than normal.

“’bout what?” he asks and you shrug.

“He wants me to move across the county.”

“Yeah.”

“What if it doesn’t work out?”

A small smile crosses his face. “But what if it does?”

. . .

Three weeks later you’re holding a one way ticket to Calgary in your hand and saying goodbye to Brady in the airport.

“You got everything?” He asks, passing you your carry-on. You’re pretty sure if you looked close enough, his eyes would be a bit watery but yours are too so you can’t poke fun.

“Everything I need.” You tell him, and hug him tightly. You hold on to him a little longer than usual but it’s hard leaving your best friend after being attached at the hip for so long.

When he pulls away, he grins. “I’m proud of you.”

“I know.” you say. “I’ll text you when I land. And don’t forget-”

“I won’t tell him.” he promises and you hug him once more before leaving.

You’ll miss Ottawa, but it’s time for the new chapter of your life to start and you can’t wait.

. . .

Matt’s not surprised when he opens his front door to find you standing in front of him. He just grins and leans against the door.

“Missed me, did you?”

“Yeah.” You tell him, wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing him soundly. “I really did.”

[leviskokoro]

Mari In Twisted Wonderland | Abridged Version | Savanaclaw

Chapter 2

Days after the Overblot Incident and Revenge Unbirthday Party, Mari gets another dream and this time it’s about the furries-- I mean, animals. She didn’t really get what it meant.

Lunch happened and Ruggie stole Grim’s lunch. Mari was confused but then they were called to the Headmaster’s office so she couldn’t question it. 

Crowley explained shit to the shared brain cell trio and Mari. Blah blah blah. Grim got upset that he can’t play magift and show off. Mari rationalized with him that he won’t be able to show off if he’s only a beginner and that she’ll treat him to canned tuna to cheer him up. He seemed to be having a terrible day, getting his lunch stolen and then being told he can’t participate in a sports event. 

She asked Crowley if he was searching for a way home but quickly realizes that he didn’t seem to be doing it. Though, she didn’t really say anything about it since the demon brothers were probably looking for a way to get her back. 

Then they got back to their dorms later but Crowley came to visit and explained that students were getting injured and shit was real sus since there were a lot of them. Grim told him that he didn’t want to help but he pretty much just forced them by saying the Ramshackle Dorm wasn’t free. He also bribed Grim by saying he’d let him participate in the magift tournament. Though, Mari was aware that he was lying through his teeth. However, she said nothing since she didn’t want to break Grim’s spirit again. Plus, she was going to help regardless of the situation. Might as well be helpful while she’s stuck in there. 

So the investigation started. They looked in the infirmary and Mari noticed that there were no Savanaclaw students that were injured but figured that maybe the culprit hasn’t got to them yet. Then they interrogated two injured students from Heartslabyul and they didn’t get any helpful answers so they tried looking for more clues. Only to fail and go back to the Ramshackle Dorm. 

Ace visited and they explained the situation to him. But then Deuce ran in and yelled about how Trey got injured too. So they ran to the Heartslabyul dorm and saw him. 

Mari was genuinely proud of Grim for being nice enough to give Trey the can of tuna she bought for him earlier in order to cheer him up. 

Riddle came by to check on Trey and then explained how he got injured. Then Cater pulled everyone excluding Trey to a different room and let Mari tell them about the other injured students. 

So, the Heartslabyul gang + Grim and Mari went to investigate together and saw the Pomefiore Dorm, which was probably Mari’s favorite dorm so far. It was certainly pretty. 

And now for Mari’s first impression of Rook: “Dang he kinda hot” 

Rook will remember that

Then the rest of the gang decided that he didn’t look strong enough so the culprit probably wouldn’t wanna target him, then went on to Octavinelle to see the tweels. 

First impression of the tweels as she and the rest ran for their dear lives: “Jesus fuck they’re creepy” 

They escaped and Mari finally remembered what she noticed about the injured students again. “Savanaclaw might be the next targets since there weren’t any injured students from there” 

So they got to the Savanaclaw Dorm and met Jack. She was like “oh you’re the hot furry” and he was like “excuse me?” Then he tells them that he won’t be targetted and that they should fuck off. 

Then they got in trouble with Savanaclaw delinquents and Leona and Ruggie came. Leona recognized Mari as the herbivore that stepped on his tail. The delinquents get angry but he still drinks respecc women juice and just challenges the gang to magift. Since Mari had no magic, she had to sit this one out. 

She goes home and sleeps, but then realizes she can’t and decides to have a midnight walk because she hasn’t seen enough horror movies to know that’s not the best idea. Then she meets Malleus. Probably thinks he’s the hottest guy she’s seen in NRC besides Leona and Jamil. 

“Oh, you are a child of man” “And you’re a man with horns”

She isn’t particularly intimidated by him. Like— She’s met Lucifer and has been nearly killed by him twice. Some strange dude with horns got nothin’ on him. Mari asked who he is and he seemed to be surprised by that, then he smirked. 

Dude said it would be better if she didn’t know and let her call him whatever she wanted. She was like “Aight” then he left. 

Mari goes to sleep and has another dream. She wonders why she’s having another dream about animals and why does the lion look familiar. Then she woke up, wondering what it meant. Barbatos was rather vague when he gave her his parting gift. 

On the way to school with Grim, she told him about the Tall handsome dude with horns. He dubbed him “Tsunotarou”. She liked the name a lot and decided to use it. 

They meet up with Cater and Riddle, who tell them that Jamil got injured. So they go meet him. 

‘Ah fuck his voice is hot too’ Mari thought when she met him. It seemed that she was right about Kalim, he was quite friendly. 

So they finally found out about Ruggie but couldn’t catch him. Then Jack appeared again. He’s like “Why are you working so hard for other people’s sake?” 

Ace is like “Lmao we just wanna get picked for the magift tournament and show off. We don’t give a shit about these guys.”

Mari sighed and said, “Why is literally everyone in this school so selfish?” And Jack questions her as to her reason for doing it. Then she replies with “Well-- Crowley kinda said that living in the Ramshackle Dorm wasn’t free. Though, he didn’t really have to force me since I would’ve helped regardless because I just like feeling helpful.”

Then Jack told the shared braincell trio that they’re worse than he thought. Though, he also mentioned that he didn’t trust Mari’s type. As in, “Guys that just do things for others” 

Ace was like “no u” 

Then Jack was like “Fight me bitch. If you want me to spill my guts, you gotta defeat me”

Deuce went bad boy like “fuck yeah lets go dude” and they fight

And they win. The rest of the guys are surprised that Mari knows how to fight. She’s like “The Future King of Hell taught me martial arts for like a year” and they’re not sure whether she’s being serious or if she’s crazy. 

And then Jack went into this whole spiel about how cowardly tricks make him nauseous and how he wanted to use his own power to claim victory at the top. Then he finally spills the beans on what Ruggie’s unique magic is and how Savanaclaw is in on the plan. 

“Why would they?” “How well you do in the magift tournament can have a big impact on your future, right? So I can’t say I don’t understand their feelings” 

“GRRRRRRRRRRRR” 

Mari is like “Dude, chill. Understanding someone doesn’t mean you agree with them.” 

Jack replied with “The now comes before the future! Show what you can do now!” 

Then goes onto yet another spiel about how he can’t stand Leona and how that guy is amazing but never gives his full effort. 

Ace whispers to Mari like “Damn he tsundere for his own dorm leader” 

And Jack tells them that Savanaclaw is going to target the dorm leader of Diasomnia, Malleus Draconia during the day of the magift tournament. 

Riddle and Cater come by like “Lol thanks for telling us” Then Riddle was going to tell them the plan but Jack was like “bitch im not gonna help. Im gonna do this shit myself. Bye” 

Mari countered with “What have you accomplished on your own?” 

He’s just >:(

“Smart wolves hunt as a pack” “Ugh fine. But if your plan sucks, I’m leaving.” 

So after hearing Riddle out, he’s like “Aight I’ll help.” 

Everyone came to an agreement and went to their respective dorms. Mari has another dream, then thought “Bruh he really wanted to be king then when he became king, he didn’t even do it right.”

“Oi, wake up.” 

Mari felt someone shake her awake. She groaned and swatted away the hands, wanting to sleep more. It didn’t quite register in her mind that someone broke into her room. It was only until her blanket was tugged away from her. The cool air hit her bare body. She shuddered and her eyes finally fluttered open to see Jack with a flustered expression before he threw the blanket over her body. 

“WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NAKED?!” 

“WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?!” 

“Tch.” He looked away and rubbed his neck. “I came from my morning run to wake you up early. I couldn’t let you oversleep on the day of the tournament. S-Sorry for breaking into your room…”

Grim perked up and was motivated to go immediately so that he could collect his reward to play in the tournament. “Come on! Let’s go already!” 

“Just let me get dressed and I’ll be right with you. Be patient.” 

For the rest of that morning, Jack couldn’t look at her directly. When he did, images of that embarrassing situation all came back to his mind 

So they got to the stadium. Shit hit the fan but everything was fine because Heartslabyul revealed their plan. Diasomnia is perfectly alright. 

Leona got pissed and he revealed his unique magic. Sand is everywhere. He’s trying to kill Ruggie. 

Mari is like “Ugh I hate sand” 

Jack also revealed his unique magic and turned into a full furry-- I mean, wolf. This surprised Leona, which gave Riddle the opportunity to collar him. 

Lilia be spittin facts. 

Hearing Leona yell about agony and despair and that things will never change kinda made Mari’s heart hurt because it felt… familiar. How hopeless he seemed to feel. It reminded her of how she was before coming to the Devildom. 

Then he overblotted.

Then they beat the sit out of him. Mari is like “Does this usually happen?” 

So the magift tournament went on and Savanaclaw still got to play because the injured students wanted revenge. Grim also reminded Crowley about his reward so he was allowed to play against Savanaclaw. 

Grim did an oopsie and tried to do a special move but it backfired and hit Mari in the head instead. She had to be rushed to the infirmary. 

She woke up to see the shared braincell trio and the furry boys. Ace told her that she’s been asleep for so long that the closing ceremony was over and they’re dismantling the venue. 

Leona told her that Diasomnia was the champion. 

Ace and Deuce talked about how good Malleus was for a moment. Jack was like “No one can win if they give up before they try.” Mari agreed with him. He then said that he was going to beat Diasomnia fair and square next year. 

Leona was like ““Underhanded tactics” require one’s strength too” and she asked if he even felt bad. He was just like lmao no 

A wild Babie has appeared. Leona went >:0 but introduced Cheka to them. 

Mari squealed at the sight of such an adorable child. Internally she was saying “I’ve seen Cheka for 4 seconds but if anything were ever to happen to him, I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself.”

Jack: So the root of all Leona’s pain is… 

Mari: The cutest lil angel ever! 

Cheka: Are you guys my uncle’s friends? 

Everyone else laughed at Leona except Mari who was busy introducing herself to the lil babie. 

Leona will remember that. 

Timeskip to when Mari went to sleep and saw the creepy shadow in the mirror. She’s lowkey shook but then she woke up. Seeing the time was pretty early in the morning, she decided to have a lil stroll to see the sun rise. 

She found a good spot and sat down, singing lightly to herself. 

The sound of leaves being crushed under one’s feet reached her ears from behind her. Mari didn’t bother looking up at the source, being too enamored with seeing the sky as its hues morph from navy to a golden yellow. The dark clouds turned into tangerine and peach ones. She gave a dreamy sigh. 

“Oi, Mari.” She heard the gruff voice of Jack. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh you know, just… Watching that gorgeous sunrise. I’ve lived in a land with no sun for a year so seeing it like this is quite the blessing,” She responded, still not looking up. 

“Seriously? I’ve never heard of a place like that.” Jack sat beside her. 

“Yeah. Living in Hell was quite the experience but it was fun.” Mari chuckled lightly. 

Her words caused him to furrow his eyebrows, wondering if she was kidding or not. He shook his head, deciding that it wasn’t important. He turned to her. 

“So… about that time…” 

“Hm? What time?” Mari finally looked at him, confusion swirling in her pools of chocolate. She tilted her head. 

His face felt warm as the blood rose to his tanned cheeks. “Y-You know what I’m talking about!”

Upon seeing his flustered expression, she finally remembered what he meant. Her mouth formed an ‘o’. What could he possibly gain from bringing that up now? 

“I wanted to apologize properly…” He spoke up again, rubbing the back of his neck. “I shouldn’t have violated your privacy like that and broke into your room.” He finally had the courage to look back into her eyes. Golden hues meeting chocolate. 

“How can I make it up to you?” 

Mari saw this opportunity and a smirk crept up onto her lips. “You could make it up to me by letting me pet you.” 

He yelped and his eyes widened to the size of saucers. His ears stood erect. “Wh-What?!” 

She pouted. “I thought you wanted to make it up to me? This is the least I could ask for after you broke into my room and saw me naked!” 

“Okay! Okay! Just don’t yell or someone’s gonna hear you.” 

Mari stopped and looked at him with expectations glinting in her eyes. 

He leaned downward. His head was lowered and ears curled back, anticipating her touch. 

She grinned and laid her hand over his head, caressing it tenderly. “Oh my~ Your hair is quite soft. I see that you groom yourself well, Jack. How nice~” She cooed, continuing to pet him with such pure glee swimming in her chocolate eyes. “How are you liking this? Does it feel nice~?” 

“Tch… Just because I’m letting you do this, doesn’t mean I like it,” He told her. 

“But your tail is wagging.” She pointed out. Blood spurted to his face and he pulled away. 

“Alright, that’s enough!” He exclaimed to her, trying not to show her that he was flustered. “We’re going to be late for school if we don’t hurry.” 

Mari glanced at the sun and nodded. “Oh! You’re right. I’ll go wake up Grim and head to class. Thanks again, Jack.” 

“Don’t expect me to let you do that again. We’re not friends or anything.” He walked away from her. 

A smile graced her lips as she watched him leave with a mirthful gaze. “Alright,” she whispered and made her way to the Ramshackle Dorm.

[itsdangeroustorunaboutinthedark]

19, 20

18 hours~

18 hours ive just slept. dont know how much i slept yesterday. the day before that slept 3 different times, 2-3 hours each. it felt like 4 days went by in that one day, not just because of the sleep patterns. that morning i woke up, or i was woken up, with an already shit feeling that was just about to get worse. i realized, if todays events were to go as planned, id probably kill myself. there was a plethora of reasons for that, going so far back it's almost laughable. a large component to ensuring i would carry it out, was that id be alone for the next few days. it felt, feels? extremely pathetic, even though the being alone in itself had no part in the reasons building up to such major suicidalness. suicidality? whatever. the conditions surrounding that being alone were some reasons; the being alone itself was just the perfect setting to allow it. but i couldnt say that. i couldnt say, in this situation specifically, that if i was left alone id probably kill myself. it'd be manipulative, would it.. though maybe what i ended up doing was no different. "i think im going to admit myself to the psych ward" was essentially what i ended up saying. i was met with so much support, it felt worse in a way. not as in worse than if id been met with anything else, just, worse than i had felt before. i felt guilty. i felt selfish. it felt like i was saying whatever just to get my way. even though all "my way" was, was to live, and to hopefully not leave the animals unattended in the process. foremost the animals, really. after having been shown awkward support, albeit shocking in a good? way, i regretted saying anything. or maybe i didnt, maybe those feelings didnt come til later. either way, the guilt was, still is, all-consuming. making calls to inpatient services piled on the guilt even more. i shouldnt be wasting these peoples time, there are surely those worse, ill be fine now, probably. the same feelings of guilt towards the person i admitted this to, and to the admissions people at the looney bin, grew even more while at the crisis center the next day. there were cases, serious cases, serious-er cases, being discussed by the staff. severe drug addict, has uncontrollable seizures, huge gaps in memory, is in and out of the hospital, only 21. someone came in with a fucked up leg, brought in by someone else. another came in with 5 bags packed, as if this was a usual visit, prepared to stay for a long while. another person, also accompanied, came in, just as quiet as i was. i knew not to compare. i knew everyone goes through things differently, presents differently, and presentation alone hasnt a sole explanation on whats actually going on with a person. and it wasnt these exterior comparisons that lead to the guilt, but that i was no longer feeling the unbearable despair and violent willingness to go through with what i had planned the day before. i didnt feel good, i didnt feel okay, i felt numb. but numb is better than That, numb is no reason to take up the time of people who are busy trying to help people with worse problems. they were kind, and seemingly all too knowing, and they sent me home with a couple phone appointments. i didnt know how to feel about it or what to think, the only prominent feeling still being guilt, somehow residing along nothingness. perhaps emptiness would be a better word. i was so confused about what to feel and think and so overwhelmed with guilt, that for a short while after any time i tried to speak about it, my mind would go blank and i sounded like a malfunctioning printer trying to get words out. now its the day after, technically two days after, and i still feel nothing. or i feel empty. or i feel numb. the words i was told when i first spoke of my plans to admit myself, and in turn some of the feelings/reasons that led to that, still ring in my ears; "it often looks you're doing better, but i think you're just distracting yourself."  im still not sure whether thats entirely true, but it is at least partly, and its distinctly how i decided to live at the ripe-old age of 12 or 13, when i was in a different, arguably worse and far more hopeless set of circumstances. i remember it now n again, and every once in awhile i come across the note i wrote to myself at the time as a reminder, it saying only "distract yourself". its been 7 or so years since. so much has changed, i have far more ability to make further changes by myself than ever before. a week before all of this happened, i was determined and taking the first steps to make what would probably be the largest change of my life so far. and all it took to take me from that to the pits of despair was several ever-smouldering struggles and a couple of current happening-problems. and now i dont know what to do. im mostly numb, maybe a slight bit anxious, and i dont know what to do next. im going to have to face everyone about what's going on, and I don't know what to tell them. and I'll once again feel guilt, because I don't know how i feel or what to say, because i didn't go through with the attempt, because ive wasted people's time over this. because i knew as soon as i wasnt going to be alone, the main excuse to kill myself was gone, and i couldn't admit that to the person who was leaving, the same person who contributed to so many of the events that brought upon the feelings that lead up to this point. that lead up to it this time, that lead up to it several times before. i told work i had been admitted earlier than i actually had been because i didnt want to let them know very last minute, and they were so kind about it; and then i was discharged within an hour. i dont want to go anymore. i dont know if i should. i can think of 100 reasons why i shouldnt, maybe only a few convincing reasons why i should. i look at my ongoing suicidal ideation, and since now that it's met with indifference to the actions and potential outcomes rather than turbulence, i shrug it off. i think, i think thats what im supposed to do. 

and all of this sounds like self pity, self loathing, utter dejection, such things that i hold such disdain for and cant handle in other people anymore. its irritating, its pathetic, all i need to do to improve is take a step, a step in literally any direction. and eventually, i will, maybe. if i make it to that point. but right now, i dont know. im not sure any of this is true. im not sure of anything, period. and thats a lie. and its not. ah

[faemen]

Hello again, colleague!

Now, getting more serious, have you ever stopped to think about the type of character that you like/relate? It might lead to a pattern, and that says a lot about you.

From your main communities, can you spot your favorite, relatable characters and see what kind of features they have in common? It can be about their personality, their looks... pretty much anything. It is just an experiment, and you are not obliged to do that.

— Wonder

hello! and YES actually ive thought about this a lot.

theyre all edgy looking murderers!!

jokes aside, yes. every. single. one. turned out to be a murderer/jailed for murder. and i didnt suspect a thing before adopting them as my favourites even though most of them literally had chains and stripes in their design idk what i was thinking

i wont specify exactly, since who knows how many spoilers are involved with this,,,, but i know why they all turn out to be killers after i like them.

disclaimer, i dont like them because theyre all prisoners. it just kinda turned out this way. i like them because similar to myself, most of them are all the types to put up a harsh, intimidating front, not allowing anyone to get close to them. when viewed by anyone else, they may seem rude, or selfish, or just plain stuck up. but heres the thing; i think im drawn to them bc im the same way. because pushing others away is genuinely the best way to keep them safe and let them avoid seeing what youve become.

all of the characters, somehow killed for a good cause, or took the blame, or whatever for their loved ones. despite being extremely closed off, theyre the most loyal people ever, and would literally kill for you. i guess, being similar somehow, i felt some kind of kinship with the way they acted? mean and sarcastic but caring when it actually counts?

also also, a lot of them ended up having animal companions. its really fascinating seeing such a supposedly terrifying individual bond with an animal, and then their true loyalties really show.

characters who i can never, ever stand, are in fact the optimistic, energetic protagonists, and the soft, shy, needs safekeeping baby ones. i know, i know this entire answer must seem very edgy and not like other kids, but i have my reasons for this too. first of all, the quick petty explanation i give most people: they annoy me bc i hate extroverts trying to make me do stuff

(which isnt a lie but,,,, i digress.)

generally, these characters can be loyal, but not when it really counts. in most media, when you end up falling for and adoring the kind best friend, or the cute child, theyre the ones who end up being backstabbers. and i heavily dislike being betrayed so i be suspicious of them from the beginning, essentially. and even when they dont do anything bad, their emotional views of "keep going" "everything is possible" "save everyone" dont make sense at all and even if i end up agreeing to some degree eventually,,, yeah that stuff does NOT work.

there are obviously a few exceptions, but theyre hard to come by. and one of those exceptions is a murderer anyways too so.

also, poorly written characters. boring. i need at least a potential arc that i can take over if you wish for my interest.

oh god apologies for the entire essay 😔😔😔 hope you enjoyed reading it, and ty for the fascinating question wonder!!

[theultimatenonbinarynerd]

Choked In Confusion

Tw: Self Harm Mention, Heavy Angst, Self Loathing. Hurt/Comfort

This was the first-ever sander sides fanfic I ever wrote.

Roman was a mess, he had bruises all over his arm from hitting himself and red eyes showing that he'd been crying for a while. The creative side sat on his desk, he knew he had to take off his mask and write his feelings down. Patton had broken his heart he didn't know what the moral side wanted from him anymore. Logan always hid his feelings too. So he decided to pull off his mask in a more creative way. A monologue, he knew that would suit him a least he thought it would.

Roman conjured his feather pen and began writing his emotions. He wrote like he was running out of time. All the emotions came, he knew the others would scold him for feeling that way but he didn't care anymore there was no point in being what people wanted him to be. Anger, Regret, Sadness, Confusion and Insecure.  A knock broke him from reality, he knew it was Patton, probably wanting to scold him for laughing at Janus's name. He still kept his mask off as he knew it was time to give Patton and the others the wake-up call they needed. The King was everything they loved but then they split him and tried to create a creativity without flaws.

"Hey Kiddo, it's me, Patton can I come in?"

"Fine but not for long?!"

"Kiddo we-"

"I'm fine I have ways of getting my emotions, I honestly can't your first instinct is to come crawling back to me when you and I ignored every word Logan had to say."

"What doe-"

"He obviously feels unwanted and not listened to. Especially since he made his facts optionally. I mean I stood there and let you skip him. Me I'm probably the one out of all of us who drove him to hide and lie about his feelings."

"That's not we-"

"Right, you totally do, ever since the others started to desire being listened to you shut me and Logan out."

"That's not tru-"

"It is Thomas has the right to listen to all of us and not shun us. Go see Logan, please. Janus can apologize-"

"Roman you shouldn't have made fun of his name."

"I know! I'm an idiot I hate myself and screw up, when I make a mistake it's spat in my face but when you guys act rude nobody calls you out on your behaviour."

"Roman, kiddo aren't you over-"

"Overreacting! Patton, I have the write to express how I really feel and not have it brushed off, same for Logan."

"Alright, I'll go see Logan. I'll leave these cookies for you here but please understand we do love-"

Roman felt bad for rudely slamming the door in Patton's face but he didn't deserve comfort he just wanted to scream till he couldn't speak and then put on his crumbling mask as if everything was ok again. He thought by sending Patton to Logan he'd be doing something right for once. Roman nibbled one of the cookies and got back to writing his monologue.

After a few more minutes of writing down his feelings, Roman cleared his throat. This certainly was going to be a heartbreaking performance, deep down however he just wished someone would watch him and acknowledge his mental health struggles.

Lost I feel lost, from the day I was born I have felt nothing but lost. I feel like a statue that has to be perfect otherwise they're just filthy and an old rusting relic never meant to be touched. I am strangled by vines of expectations. Apparently, I was created to be flawless but im more than just a figment, im- actually I don't think I really know who I am anymore at all. 

Anger!

My voice feels like a cold weapon wanting to lash out when everything feels too much and when everything gets other whelming. I fire away but I can't stop myself, I am a flame of passion desperate to not die out. Life feels like thunder I want to strike and harm someone to cope but it's wrong. Justice, I get karma but the others never get it whenever they insult people and act mean.

Regret!

I'm fighting the urge to cut my throat and slice it till I can no longer speak. I feel so vulnerable myself so of course, I'm stupid enough to mock someone else in a vulnerable moment. A name defines who are you and what you stand for. I feel like I should be nameless. I hate myself so illogically I project my feelings out to someone else via name-calling. Me, I try to get better but I only seem to get worse. If I could turn back time I would stay silent and bluntly accept the truth that the world isn't black and white. My only wish is to take all those cruel worse and project them onto myself.

Sadness and Betrayal!

I feel helpless like I should have never ever been creative. Am I really that pathetic that the storybook ended sadly? Am I a hero! No, I'm nobody's hero everyone I've ever cared about have been pushed away by stupid egotistical self. My darling brother isn't evil he's better than me! He deserves my seat at the table. Janus is correct I'm a piece of trash that can be replaced it's not like there's two creativity's after all. Nobody has ever been on my side.

Confusion!

When was the last time I had an idea that was actually helpful? Even Thomas's fans think I'm useless and annoying. Back in the courtroom, I was scolded by Virgil and Patton for siding with the bad guy, the snake. I wanted to understand De-Janus especially since the others pointed out that I never treated Virgil with kindness. But no I'm wrong for giving Janus a chance, have I ever been right? Patton always gets what he wants and giving up that call back felt like I was having my petals picked off.  Then he decides to do a one-eighty and tells me I'm wrong for being the selfless Prince. Also, im supposed to trust the snake after being told he manipulated me and used me to get what I wanted. I was wrong to label the others dark. The truth im the bad guy, not the one who's being used as a puppet. Grey, I've never liked the colour but it appears I must get use to it.

Insecure!

I am the fanciful side, the ego, the passion, the good creativity. They we're wrong I'm a mirror cracked. I never ever should have been crowned the Prince. I'm not royalty I'm an earthquake bringing destruction everywhere I go. 

Janus was right I should have been crowned the Duke! I'm rude, bratty and pathetic. My fist reels, desperate to punch every single mirror I come across. I am broken! Who am I?

I'm an idiot choking on the confusion I feel.

A loud applause made Roman flinch, his brother was sitting on his bed, full of tears. He never expected his brother to be here especially since Remus had been told he's just like his twin. Warm arms wrap around him pulling him into a tight hug. Roman did not expect this he really thought his brother hated him.

"Oh, Ro-Ro, fate time hasn't treated you kindly. Part of me wishes I didn't knock you out."

"You did right you gave Logan his time to shine."

"Ro, Janus was wrong and even if have to skin all of his scales off to make sure he apologizes to you. I'll do whatever it takes."

"Thanks, bro but that won't help, I honestly feel bad for you, now you're stuck with Orange and we know he isn't a nice side to hang out with."

"I don't care at least I'm not stuck with a bunch of losers who ignore every single time you try to say you need help. Janus is a jerk, heck they're all selfish jerks."

"Remus I know I was wrong for labelling you guys the dark sides and us the light sides. We're all flawed but it's just too hard to accept."

"You know what you need?"

"What?"

"I think you need a job where you're allowed to be yourself and not strangely by people's expectations.

Ever since they've wanted us to be black and white but we're not."

"Wait bro are you proposing that I take your place?!"

"Yes I'm proposing I take your job and you take mine. Join me I'm not gonna let them bruise my self-esteem and confidence as they have done yours. Join me, let's work together and show these sides that we will no longer be controlled by their words. So are you with me or are you gonna sit here and stay silent. All I know is that you shouldn't go speechless."

"Nice Disney reference and I accept Its about time I crumble my mask! Thank you, bro I'm glad someone loves me."

"You've always been my hero."

The twins held hands and a bright flash accrued. It was about time the brothers worked together and stick together. Nobody was ever gonna separate them again.

Tagged: @full-of-roman-angst-trash @romanangstismyfuel @sandersidesfics @sandersidesfanders @romanvirgil @roman-sanders-appreciation-blog @romanocheesy @princemesscharming @lowkey-logan @misconceivedcapricorn @pwinceyroman @royalprinceroman