#like i know i have very little patience
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
local noob catboy underestimates the complexity of housing yet again circa seventh astral era
oh what if ease myself back into playing 14 again by doing a fun housing project, what a grand idea it is haha.. 💀
#anya plays ffxiv#it's okay i know my limits#and i operate within those limits#like i know i have very little patience#so we r keeping floating to minimum#i absolutely hate to redo things if i'm like a millimeter off#and i keep telling myself who's gonna fucking see it#just me and my friend#and yet#it's such a time sink still#i'm too invested#i have a *vision*
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
to my all little liars!! (edit: wtf happened to my english? 😭)
we’re at 24.6k words rn 😟 if you plan on reading it next week, i recommend you read it on the weekends when there’s no school or work for you waiting in the morning 😀
calling in the troops rn ‘cause there’s still one final scene i have to write and it’s gonna be LONG (this isn’t including the bonus scene btw) but it’s extremely important for the story to continue, and without it, the rest of the story literally cannot go on 😭
we’re locking in guys. it’s 100% gonna border 30k words for sureee. sm has happened in that ONE chapter and i literally cannot wait to release it for all of you, you have no ideaaa
gonna go to bed and then wake up, study, break, write for the fic, repeat. had to randomly drop an update here cuz i’ve been edging you guys for so long i’m sorryyy, but it really is nearly here <333
edit: fck it guys i’m writing it rn (the immediate comments got me motivated)
#the little asks and messages and dms have been so nice tho#like yes pls remind me of ur existence so i can know why i was put on this planet despite the reason that life is a test of faith#think of this chapter as the main one before everything stars to fall crash and burn#the fall is VERY slow tho#the crash is VERY loud tho#and the burn is enough to kill#do they survive it?#maybe#idk 👀 (i do)#but you don’t so muahahahahahaha#feeling like megamind rn#the bonus scene is gonna be pretty long too#so it’s definitely gonna be above 30k words for sure#100%#i am excited and you should be too#this might just be my most fav chapter so far#sm happens#you learn a little more about the stupid things megumi and y/n have done together as kids#and the stupid things their family have done too 💀#chaotic family fr#(we watch it happen in real time guys)#*AHEM* toji and gojo fighting again *COUGH*#that’s all i’m giving you guys#no sneak peaks before i release it cuz i want all of you to go in BLIND!#i’m evil but you’ll thank me for it i promise#<3#ty for ur patience!!!!!
58 notes
·
View notes
Text
It's so funny to me that the fandom has come to see Hirano as a Sasamiya promoter of sorts because while he is, it took him some time to get accustomed to the idea of them together. And while he was never a hater Sasaki's actions towards Miyano certainly used to get on his nerves.
At first he was so worried and probably even felt a little guilty because (as mentioned in the following screenshot) because the only reason why Sasaki knows which class Miya is in, is thanks to him.
But like, that's not the face of a friend that's happy to play cupid and get their two acquaintances together. Not at all, that's the face of someone who puts his sempai-kouhai relationship with Miyano over his (pseudo) friendship with Sasaki.
Hirano from the first chapters would have jailed Sasaki if he were allowed to. (And he has his reasons, Sasaki has been something since the first chapters)
Anyway, the progression of events is really interesting.
He started, quite literally, shielding Miyano from Sasaki.
Then, he came to accept their relationship.
And at the end he really was rooting for them, to the point he ended up outright lying just so Miyano could meet Sasaki and they could talk it out and confess.
#I know the point of Sasaki to Miyano is watching how their relationship develops#but I think Hirano is really important as an spectator of their relationship#everyone thought the pair was and odd couple#him too#so watching him come to terms with their relationship and finally even rooting for them is super sweet#since it shows that he let go of his prejudice (mainly against Sasaki lol)#also I love the message he leaves Sasaki#he really did his everything to give them that last little push that they so needed#and he didn't have to!!!#like two pages before that he curses them both for having never exchanged number#and still he helps them out#idk I just love to ramble about him#he gets angry easily and he lacks patience but he always does his uttermost best to help his friends#even when he isn't particularly close to miya or sasaki#the (pseudo) in pseudofriendship comes from the fact that they are som weirdos that consider each other just classmates#but that's a talk for another day#got sasamiya brainworms again#does this count as a character analysis? (lol)#Hirano might not know of relationships and social dynamics but he really cares about everyone regardless of what those people are to him#both his kohais and his classmates are people he considers precious#and people for whom he would make sacrifices#I'm sorry I just love him very much#sasaki to miyano#if Hirano Taiga has no fans I'm dead#meaning that I'll defend him till my last breath
89 notes
·
View notes
Text
Starting to think, going by the MXTX fandoms, that a lot of people are comfortable with being a bit terrible and not thriving for an ideal whatsoever, because they really really reeaaally want to believe Xue Yang and Jiang Cheng are poor cuties who weren't lucky and the heroes are a bunch of holier-than-thou arrogant bitches who need to be taken down a peg when the text says the opposite, because then it justifies their own faults and hatred of genuinely awesome people who seem to have it better in life and isn't that sooo unfair and isn't it fair that they should suffer to learn what it's like to suffer like them, poor tortured, petty, flawed humans who see themselves in the villains rather than the heroes.
#Bloom talks#I'm out of patience with people who have decided not to be better and won't take any responsibility for it#oh but I suffer so~#newsflash asshole most people struggle horribly at some point or another and yet some of us decide to be good#and also some of us are indeed gifted and impressive and it is something to be celebrated and yes admired on occasion#I love a good gifted person#who shines bright and leads an amazing life#the Wei Wuxians of the world are a treasure#you want to love Jiang Cheng because you feel you are like him and want to be loved?#I don't know man have you TRIED not being an asshole? people have an easier time loving you if you try you know?#you don't have to adopt it as your whole identity and make it everyone else's problem#so fucking tired of seeing people not even try#IT'S FINE TO BE CLEAR to relate to Jiang Cheng and be an asshole inside#we all are a little bit of an asshole inside!!#just stoop pretending he's actually good and Wei WuXian is bad!#yes I'm talking about a general thing with this very specific thing yes#mxtx#mdzs
74 notes
·
View notes
Text
A big part of the Haikyuu rewatch is watching the characters interact and worrying that I fandomized their relationships too much in my head, particularly with the Karasuno first years because Hinata and Kags keep Yamaguchi and Tsukishima at arm’s length for so long. But then I remember. Oh wait the squad is literally Hinata’s phone background by the end of the story. You don’t put a picture of just some dudes in your after school club as your phone background.
#ane discovers character development takes time who wouldve thought#personally I think wthe change happens when Yachi and Tsuki start tutoring them#It’s around the time that there’s a shift in their bickering so that it’s more. ‘familial’ isnt the term I’m looking for but like#the kind of razzing you can only do with someone you know#Tsukishima for example starts bringing up specific things they studied together to dunk on Kageyama not remembering any of it#And another subtle thing I noticed- cause again I started going like ? did I fandomize my entire perception of Tadashi too much?#cause for the first season he doesn’t interact with ANYONE but Tsuki. Like practically not at all except to brag about Tsuki to others#But I have a sneaking suspicion that this starts to change around the time that he starts getting on the court more often as a pinch server#Probably because it gives him more courage#Cause I remember him having a lot to say in the Shiratorizawa match#and I remember him getting along with Yachi! So like I’m keeping an eye out for those changes#haikyuu!!#Also my favorite part about rewatching Haikyuu is how the reveal of Kag’s backstory really does affect. Your entire perception of him#Like I know its probably cause he’s my fav but I always feel so frustrated when people assume the worst of him and so sad that even Oikawa-#who knew him back when he was a very happy and shy kid- doesn’t even question why his personality had such a sudden shift#but then I realize that the only reason I’m so aware of these changed is because Kageyama has ‘opened up to me’ as an audience member befor#Furudate waited hundreds off chapters to tell us that he’s been grieving a loved onesince a little before the very first scene of the manga#So that it would feel like we earned it#Idk how to explain it like when you meet someone who’s hurting it takes a lot of effort and patience for them to tell you why#in the same way bc we stuck by the story for so long and watching Kageyama learn to be more open#we got the privilege of learning why he was closed off in the same place#but Kageyama didnt give anyone at his old school the chance to stick around- not Kindaichi or Kunimi or anyone#So it makes total sense#kageyama tobio#hinata shouyou#yamaguchi tadashi#tsukishima kei#yachi hitoka#karasuno first years#my post
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
there are valid reasons to have an antagonistic relationship to academic scholarship, but those reasons are overwhelmingly not raised in graduate classrooms, where students instead bitch about theory in general, jargon in general, making them sound ultimately like conservatives, who view any attempt to systematically account for social phenomena as a form of useless intellectual degeneracy
#you’re in a PhD program and you’re bitching about reading theory? Aren’t you just a little bit embarrassed?#this is a vague about my graduate cohort lol don’t mind me#I have increasingly little patience for grad students who refuse to engage with anything even slightly abstract or dense#you are literally in a social science graduate program. That is like one of the primary tasks you need to do in grad school#If you want to engage with it for the purposes of critique that is completely acceptable#but seeing a word you don’t know and immediately quitting and dismissing it as useless nonsense is not going to get you very far#we have to read Capital for our comps lol. what are you gonna do then
94 notes
·
View notes
Text
a friend who'd wait :)
#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops.#and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can!#and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol#finn's ocs#finn's art#i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me#and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun#i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here:#barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past#he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it#he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned#which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them#they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore#but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird#and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place#though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library#and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together#since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door#eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement#barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time.#barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate#but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd#he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself#but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done.#and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies.#and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them)#and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances''#from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov#sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3#but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
i have managed to actually do a hobby for the first time in months. yippee
#executive dysfunction and depression are kicking my ass#like severely. i am apathetic about everything and so so tired. things that brought me the most joy are no longer available to me#like. i love you so much you are so important to me but i no longer have the ability to care or do anything about it#things i love the most are behind a glass door that i can't unlock. or break.#sewing and embroidery especially are like. things i very much love and aspire to do but they are SO time and energy consuming#i don't have the patience#i stayed up till 4 am listening to lenka králová's interviews with trans people and it made me a little hopeful#currently transition doesn't really feel possible and i kind of just want to die so. hearing from others who made it was important#i also appreciated the comments#because a lot of them are from cis people. who didn't really know things about trans people but are learning thanks to lenkas channel#and after hearing a bit about our lifes their reaction is usually to applaud the strength we have. to be ourselves#and it's heartwarming to read. that there are people who learn. and can empathise in some way. that not everyone hates us#'you only have one life and no one else is going to live it for you. so you better be yourself' or something along that was in one of them#most of the comments under every video are just people saying how beautiful Lenka looks and yeah. true#i love her
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
re: "good girl" i think they say it once randomly as a joke and its just one of those things that gets him wayyy more than they expected it would. so now its their secret weapon and they use it very sparingly and every single time he gets super embarrassed about it but it works ill tell you what.
#HES MY PRINCESS IDEK.#i dont think it happens naturally all that much because theyre usually in the business of calling each other names and being mean#so i think this would just be a random night where theyre on top and just think it would be really funny. to yank on his leash and call him#a good girl after bullying him into doing something. and well i just think it would get him is all i dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwww#i havr a lot of thoughts on the matter but i will stop for now#but the tldr is that with each other they tend to switch frequently and are always fighting#so i think itd take someone else being in the picture for hog to even realize how much he likes being a good boy :3#and i also dont think fish would be good at straightforward domming in the way he would want and they both know that#so its something he keeps between him and rat mostly. please dont ask me questions abt jrs sex life i have too many opinions on it#anyways. i think even tho fish knows theyd be bad at that they still feel left out so sometimes they go watch. they dont get anything out of#doing that theyre just sort of taking mental notes#all of this circles back to i think fish has always been the more sexually experienced of the two. and romantically.#i dont rlly think hog is a guy who dates i dont think hes ever been that and i dont think he made much time for hookups#(i think its cute if hes a virgin when they meet but 🤷 im not solid on it)#but i think for him hes just only ever fucked this one person and they do a LOT of stuff and it gets the job done so hes just never really#tried anything else. but. and again i have too many opinions on this but i think rat wouldnt be into their usual shteeze#i think hes a bit of a freak in his own way but the blood and weird anger issues is just not doing it for him most of the time#but i do think if given the opportunity he would LOVE to be The Boss for a little bit so i think he and hog can explore that together and it#will work out beautifully for them. this is great because i am not into strict d/s dynamics like that but i know in my heart that hoggy#would be. and i cant do that for him#again i think fish would be butthurt about this. mostly in a 'why didnt u tell me so we could try this :(' and he would go#'because you would suck at it and wouldnt like it' and they go oh. right. well im still mad#ANYWAYS. circling back. i think the good girl thing would be something fish knows that rat doesnt. and idk if theyd tell him or not#because i do think if they tell him he is using that for evil hog is going to be a good girl forever and ever. rat doesnt have the patience#to space it out the way fish does. which idk maybe thatd be good for hog he could work through some stuff...#but on the other hand i think its fun if they DONT tell him and just bust it out sometime when all 3 of them are doing the deed. or whatever#because again they mostly like how embarrassed he gets about it and i think he would be reallyyyy flustered by it#^ this is essentially part of my fantasy about spitroasting my beautiful wife until he cries just so everyone knows#idk i just think when he lets go of himself hed be a very cute and kind of needy subby bottom and i think hed be really easy to fluster#about it and i want it so bad
8 notes
·
View notes
Note
the combination of oshamir brainrot and new tbhtbh is making my brain malfunction sjsjfjc and got me wondering what do you think bloom's dynamic with someone like qimir would be like?
Game recognizes Game. They respectfully keep their distance and only try to kill each other once lol
#the fact that Qimir has no problems killing padawans is def something Bloom would consider murder-worthy#likewise I feel like Qimir has very little patience for Bloom's genre-required moral code#ON THE OTHER HAND!#both of them have spent time as lonely friendless losers pining for connection#I feel like they would understand each other a little bit#they both want to be wanted SOOOOO bad it’s embarrassing#they might trauma bond a little bit#also YAAAAAAY good to know I’m inflicting the brain damage on others too!
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
with the year coming to a close, i hope that anyone who's reflecting about how the year went remembers to be kind and fair to themselves with how you evaluate the year as a whole.
i think there are definitely times when life throws things that are... Not So Great at you. whether if it's some external circumstance that surprised you, or maybe your mentality wasn't at it's best. i wish for anyone who's encountered those kinds of challenges to be able to triumph over them and be able to say that they got through it.
heck, it might still be a work in progress even though you've kept chipping away at it, and that's ok! the results will show themselves eventually as you work through it! and i hope that we can all remember to be patient with ourselves as we go through these processes (learning, healing, etc.), because damn, it can be frustrating when you feel like you're "not there yet."
knowing that life can be rough at times, i think it's unfair to yourself (and others) to discount and downplay any progress you've made this year- whether if it's something that you did for the first time, or maybe you came to a new understanding and insight that you didn't have in the previous year.
it's not to say that you should undermine the validity of your experience with hardship, but to take the time to remind yourself what makes life worth living. to recall what moments were the most satisfying to you- and use it to strengthen your resolve for the next year and beyond. no amount of hardship will ever take away from the fact that you deserve to have hope that things will get better.
i hope that looking back on the year, you don't leave out the things you cherish. that you can remember the good that came this year. whether if the small victories are things like meeting someone new, trying something out for the first time, or making some strides in a long-term project/obligation...!
i wish everyone a happy new year! may it be prosperous, and that your life can move in a direction that's close to what you want out of life. you're all going to do great! remember to congratulate yourself for what you did well! despite everything, you're still here, and that's wonderful. never forget that!
#lizzy speaks#hello everyone. i know that there are *checks calendar* still 20 days left of december and 2023#but i've had a lot of strong emotions and feelings i've had to sort through as i've been thinking about how 2023 went for me#so a lot of what i've written here comes from the perspective of someone in their early 20s#it's like... a crash and burn from when you were a teenager thinking that you know everything#and realizing how big the world is and how many responsibilities there are#all while a feeling of overwhelm looms over as you try to sift your way through the world and adjust your understanding of it#for me i've definitely had an underlying thought that 'you should have your shit together by now why aren't you there yet'#and it's! not motivating! at all! to think that way. and it's made me more than ever want to be a friend to myself. to extend a patient-#kind voice to myself that reminds me that others are also trying to navigate these feelings and to accept that i'm not going to have an-#instantaneous understanding of how one goes about adulthood. and neither will they. even if they look 'put together.'#like... these people have also undergone similar stresses and along the way figured out how to navigate through that space#and personally i've found peace in knowing that there are people who are older than me. trusting that they've dealt with these things too i#some shape or form and that them living... being here.. is proof that we shall be fine in the end and that we will move past what plagues-#our mind. there's definitely been some... anger i've had this year that. school didnt teach me these things or skills!! i was so mad lol#but hey if we are little guys who are living on planet earth for the first time we shouldn't condemn ourselves to an unrealistic standard-#of going through life and being able to instantly do everything 'correctly' and know how everything works#i'm still working on improving that patience... and also trying to put in the work to understand these things.#in the midst of a very tough week for me i was tempted to say that 'nothing happened this year it was not productive'#but then i was like. that's. objectively not true if you just look at other things. also theres worth in life outside of 'productivity'#...i think i passed 20 tags at this point. but like. my favorite thing about 2023 was meeting so many cool awesome people!#who would've known that funny lil squid game could bring so many connections and friendships i cherish!#thank you so much! for being a part of my life and changing me for the better! for giving me many fond memories!#and i'm very grateful to anyone who supported me and my art this year... for sticking around even though i wished i could do more#it means the world to me knowing that there's proof that i exist and have touched someone's life in a positive way! thank you! truly!#ANYWAY. happy early new year. i hope everyone can nourish a friend in their head that extends acceptance and patience to themselves#as we try and make sense of the world together. there will be things that we don't understand yet! but one day we will! and it'll be like#wow! look how far i came! i'm okay! i'm alive! yipee! thank you for reading this post i made to get my feelings out! have a nice day!
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
I've been reading and watching some reviews of Oppenheimer and am shocked at the way some people don't seem to be able to connect to characters who are a little bit closed off and inwardly complicated.
This is a film you need to bring your own empathy to. It isn't actively provoked and drawn out of you.
Which, given that it deals with the construction of the Atomic Bomb, I think is something that should be self explanatory. If you go into making this thinking "Oh I will make people feel so bad about the bombs" you're already headed in the wrong direction. It's not the question whether or not it's bad. The question is whether or not you realize it's bad when no one tells you outright how to think about it.
This movie is incredible for doing this.
#oppenheimer spoilers#oppenheimer#also it is very much not impartial or distant or anything like that#there's razor sharp opinions in the details; the script is fucking amazing#they just don't jump in your face with it; you gotta notice for yourself#I see in this movie a tiredness of needing to discuss baselines of human decency#'if you cannot recognize for yourself that constructing a bomb like this is horrible then I have no patience to discuss it with you'#is a sentiment I felt very hard throughout the whole thing#people paying attention to it will notice the affirming details#and it's a delight how simple it is in terms of many other things#it's amazing how good Nolan becomes when he's not trying to make another gimmick movie for once#I had so much fun in the theater and it was horrible#how can you have fun knowing what it all means#incredible experience. pretty upsetting. I cried on the way home#can recommend it for people who are a little bit tired of flashy emotional symphonies in movies#and for people who like to start analyzing and reflecting while the film is still running#and honestly for people who like pretty movies#because honestly this movie was very very beautiful in the best oldschool simplistic way#(maybe slightly tasteless side note: Cillian Murphy would make an amazing Frankenstein)#(pathetic wet rat of a man (tragic and unhinged variety))
30 notes
·
View notes
Text
hi what
#uhhhh me#atla#listen i have very little stakes in this#i didn't grow up with atla so it doesn't hold nostalgic value the way it does for a lot of people#i think a lot of live action remakes are unnecessary but i do try to give them a chance#however comma. due to recent underwhelming adaptations my patience with them is wearing Thin#i am getting tired of showrunners trying to change things from the source material that had no reason to be changed#sometimes even things that are straight up important or The Point#i'm sure they'll still try to give sokka an arc w the kyoshi warriors but their reasoning for it is#questionable to say the least#like sokka's sexism is literally A Thing He Had To Overcome. it's not portrayed as a good trait#if a kid's show can handle this then the grittified remake absolutely can too#and i KNOW. i know this is just a soundbite from an interview. it might not be as bad as it sounds#but given what i've been seeing from adaptations in the past few months/years. i really doubt it#also lol love the comments on the thread saying 'can't wait for the show to say azula is actually nice now!'#(also i do not blame the actors for defending this change. they are basically obligated to never say anything bad abt the show)
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
i hope more mobile games/franchises do switch ports/adaptations like the upcoming ichu one. so many games i want to play but cant bring myself to play a freemium game
#very very intrigued by ichu chibi edition. i played it years ago and liked the songs and gameplay and also the annoying blonde one#but 1) it was only jp at the time so i had no idea what was going on LOL and 2) i have so little patience for mobile games i dont know why#sometimes its the tutorial that kills me before i can even start the game. i have very little patience when on my cellular phone#and of course every day i still hope and pray they will translate the ikesen switch port. someday.... i hope....
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
the sinus headaches are already not great but Extra Shit has been added to the pile and im just sat on that right now trying to figure out what the fuck to do
#ive uh not processed it yet and it also wont really shake out for a little while now i guess but .. yeah#long story short my friends who ive been A Trio with since we were 11 might be done with each other#theres a LOT of additional factors but theyre splitting a house share so one can go live with a boyfriend#and in the process it sounds like theyve made a lot of selfish choices for some unknown reason#ngl theyve pissed me off a little bit for being so weird and reclusive since theyve had the boyfriend as well but only with us#its ... yeah i dont know what alls happened because i dont live with them#but i just cant fathom how they got to this point quibbling over the contents of their shared house of 5 years#over a boyfriend whos been around for 2 or 3 years ..... to ruin a friendship of 18 years ????#again i dont know the whole story but i trust what the friend whos still good at talking to us to not lie about them being screwed around#i just dont get it at all how to reconcile what ive been told with who ive known over half my life#theyve felt off .. or wrong for a while now tbh ... i miss them#i havent seen the other one since before may ...#the thought that mightve been the last time we all hang out is kind of killling me inside lol#and it was also pretty weird and stilted again because it was very boyfriend-centric#this always happens to me lol ive lost count of all my school friend groups who end up basically fighting over me after they fall out#its a MAJOR trauma point for me and i thought we kind of grew past that but i guess i was wrong#ive been catching myself with a weepy eye or a single sob all day#i dont know what to do i wanna know what the fuck happened and what was worth doing this for#i wanna confront everyone and ask for a fucking explanation as to why my single life solid bedrock is falling apart#i mostly wanna dig a hole and die in it ... im fine im safe but im bothered by like ...#what a total fool ill look like if i just melt down at work ... i might find the mental health first aiders list and write an email lol#im like not okay cksbdkssj fucking hell#i have some hope but its ... its hard out here#i need to go to bed fuck#id dont neeeeed thiiiiisss im gonna choke on life agaaaiiinnn#the battle to keep my shit together enough to at least not self-sabotage ??? its testing my patience#rory's ramblings
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)
#i guess it affected me more than i'd like to#i don't want to make people uncomfortable#and i am sorry if i did that with any of my posts i know they have been overly emotional and maybe a bit insane#it's true that i am trying to deal with losing and finding peace i am not very good at this due to my intense emotions#and my fear of loneliness and losing people. i am also in a very bad depressive episode. i am aware that this isn't an excuse for any#of my behavior. i never had a support system so dealing with all this on my own and getting no therapist who is willing to see you#it's a downer. guilt is eating me alive and my mental condition is the something that has ruined a lot for me but it has never before done#such a terrible job before. recovering from that and dealing with the aftermath of this is exhausting and has taken a toll on my physical#and mental health i know this post doesn't mean anything to most of all and is at best confusing but i guess it's my poor attempt#of avoiding that people will hate me. i don't want to self-pity more than i already did. but i do that all on my own already.#i know that life is so much more difficult than fiction and you can't expect miracles or believe in faith to fix anything#i know there is no cure to who i am. i can only try to navigate it better in the future. it doesn't mean that i can't regret what i did.#that i can't feel guilty about it. i know that won't change anything but i am also trying to get better and i understand if that's not#visible. i just have to believe that one day it will be enough for people to say 'hey. i know you are fucked up.#and you hurt me and you've been a bitch. but we'll work on it. i believe in you.' otherwise i have to believe that this loneliness#is all there is and that i'm gonna die hollow#i don't want much. i just want some patience and peace#i want to believe that i am worthy of love and that i can get a future. and yes. me talking about wanting a wife and this stupid apple pie#life... maybe it's cliche and stupid but i have been alone for years and i am so tired of fighting. is it so bad that i don't want to do#this alone? and that goes for friends as well. i want to cook for people built things and tend to a garden to take care of animals#and to create instead of destroying for once.#i don't know why i am still writing i guess when the dam breaks... again. i am sorry for ever making people uncomfortable or even hurting#them that was never my intention. i promise#so i really hope. whoever is reading this. i hope you are doing alright. i hope you had/have a good day. tell the people you care about#you love them and enjoy the little things. read that book. eat that chocolate or do whatever brings you joy. the world is so difficult to#navigate but you are doing such a great job by just existing. you are making this world a better place with the light you radiate#the last thing I want to do something I never can forgive myself for is hurting people#not only but especially the ones I care about. but beyond that those I barely know too because I care about you guys too#I just don't want that... I want to leave the world better than I found it but I'm having a hard time doing it due to this stupid fucking#brain of mine.
2 notes
·
View notes