#like genuinely it's just not in the question. I cannot risk it.

[mosspapi]

I still need to cancel my adobe subscription bcuz I just can't deal with their bullshit anymore, but also like. In theory I'll eventually be using photoshop n shit as part of my job (assuming I even make it that far and am able to even get a job. But also just like freelancing shit online ig) and using Totally Legal Software for money-making purposes can get into Really Risky Business. But I don't think I can learn any other programs- my brain just doesn't work well enough to pick it up atp. So it's like. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place yknow

[consultingwives]

As someone who works in the reliability sector of IT I cannot emphasize how much you have to give 0 fucks about professional standards and best practices in order to do something like what Crowdstrike did.

At the company I work for, which you have definitely heard of, there are thousands of people (including me, hi) part of whose job it is to sit in rooms for literal hours every week with the people building new features and updating our software and ask them every question we can possibly think of about how their changes might impact the overall system and what potential risks there are. We brainstorm how to minimize those risks, impose requirements on the developers, and ultimately the buck stops with us. Some things are just too risky.

Many of the practices developed at this and other companies are now in wide use across the industry, including things like staggered rollouts (i.e. only 1/3 people get this update at first, then 2/3, then everyone) and multi-stage testing (push it to a fake system we set up for these purposes, see what it does).

In cases where you’re updating firmware or an os, there are physical test devices you need to update and verify that everything behaves as expected. If you really care about your customers you’ll hand the device to someone who works on a different system altogether and tell them to do their worst.

The bottom line here is that if Crowdstrike were following anything even resembling industry best practices there should have been about twenty failsafes between a kernel bug and a global update that bricked basically every enterprise machine in the world. This is like finding out the virus lab has a direct HVAC connection to the big conference room. There is genuinely no excuse for this kind of professional incompetence.

[empty-vessel-of-a-person]

Reasons why Sylus and MC’s Love is Strong and Enduring

The Front Side

Their relationship may have started in a wrong foot but they gradually (specially MC) come to terms that Sylus will constantly be at her side.

In “No Way Out” and “Radiant Brilliance” Sylus, the ever elusive and strong leader of Onichynus has no problem is showing weakness with MC. This is huge considering Sylus reputation. Being vulnerable and open is not something easy for a man like Sylus, but he let MC see every side of him.

Sylus is the first LaDS men to ever directly tell MC that he loves her and proves it to her in every way possible. (Source: Razor Grip)

Sylus is a man of confidence and conviction. MC is not very fond of him at the beginning (Nor he is fond of her) but I don’t feel that they genuinely hate each other. More like irritated and frustrated. But after all of the things ended in Sylus’ branch of the story, Sylus gradually but firmly makes his way to MC’s life. He always makes sure MC is alright and got everything she needs.

The memory “Wild Gaze” and “Melodic Weave” Is probably where Sylus gets the “sugar daddy” label. He really doesn’t mind spending his fortune with MC.

The Back End

They are on the opposing end of the society. Let’s not forget MC is a Hunter and Sylus is a wanted person of her organization. But romantically involved or not, MC never spilled anything about Sylus upon her return to Linkon from the N109 Zone. From this perspective, MC might be eternally grateful that she was able to return home, but this is huge for her. Considering she is all about being a hunter that not even Zayne is able to stop her from doing dangerous missions, her keeping secrets of Sylus whereabouts ans dealings is no easy feat.

Secret Dates and Escapades Shenanigans. This is one of the best tropes Sylus and MC have. The thrill of not to be caught together adds flavor to their relationship. We can see this on both “Melodic Weave” and voice call “Keep Distance”. Yes, Sylus couldn’t care less about what happened to him but MC is clearly not comfortable in the idea of them being seen together.

Given the conclusion above, they both still makes efforts to be together. And one of my favorite moments of them was during the “Riverbank Scenery” Phone Call. Sylus have to send a”suspicious” letter just to invite her out. And the fact that he called their meeting as a “rendezvous” instead of a date adds to anonymity on it and also heartbreaking. They may not directly say it,but they cannot be seen together. Which is why towards the end of the call, Sylus almost pleadingly ask her to stay with him longer.

The Consequences. By the time the we get to the “Razor Dance” memory, it’s clear that MC already has feelings for Sylus. But they are still keeping things a secret and I feel that the deeper reason for this is MC’s situation. What will happen to her once they are found out? MC might be branded as a traitor and lock her up. I know that Sylus will do anything and literally everything to save her but the real question is, will he risk it? I know for a fact that MC will not die but if the association finds out about it, she might be facing a problem same with what Ever Group is posing. MC has a very valuable asset and there is no guarantee that the Hunters Association will not take advantage of her as well.

The Conclusion

MC do not show any signs of giving up being a hunter or ever leave Linkon. She mentioned it in all the memories under the Wander in Wonder Event. She really hopes to return to Linkon and she misses her home. In the same event in the “Grassland Romance” with Sylus she asks him if he ever consider living in Linkon so they could always meet up and he readily agrees. With this we can assume the extent of Sylus love for her. He is willing to give up everything for her and be anything for her.

But although MC is not ready or willing (Depends how you take it) to give up being a hunter or leave Linkon, we cannot ignore the danger she is putting her self in every time she meets with Sylus. MC inviting him to live in her hometown can be taken as she wants him being in a more peaceful environment to keep him safe.

Their love story ma not be easy flowing but it’s not toxic. It may need a lot of effort, but it doesn’t make it less true. Loving Sylus can be a pain but it’s still rewarding.

[pernesophe]

Ren Kaji x reader who likes being talked to like that

(Minors, Ageless and Blank Blogs DNI)

TW: MATURE CONTENT: suggestive, a little bit of smut here and there (vaginal penetration (pnv) fantasy scene), f reader, no ages mentioned, but all characters written as 18+ in mind (read at your own risk please 🙏🏻) MDNI

Had this thought at like 3a two days ago and had to get it out. This is the first suggestive/smut piece I’ve written (also barely proofread), so please be gentle🙏🏻

If you’re reading this, then thank you and I hope you enjoy it!!

As the third man approaches you from the other end of the bridge from behind - effectively caging between the two men in front of you - you know you should’ve taken a different route. There’s been reports of men holding people up on this bridge, and specifically young girls getting roughed up on their way to school. As the man before you raises a bat in preparation to knock you out, you curse yourself for your stupidity.

Suddenly, a guy with snow white hair comes flying in from behind them - landing between you and them. Grabbing the bat at the same time as he punches the man holding it, knocking him out cold. He then kicks the man standing next to him, sending him flying into the railing. Turning around, he swiftly grabs your hand and pulls you towards him causing you to yelp, and then he raises his leg up high in front of him to kick the third man squarely in the jaw. As the dust settles, you look over your savior.

He’s attractive to say the least. A muscular build hidden under a few layers, dark cerulean eyes framed by white fringed locks contrasted by the black and silver headphones on his ears, and a face that could put Adonis to shame. Most notable was the fierce look on his face accompanied by sharp canines glinting in the sun when he turned to face you.

“What the hell are you doing on this bridge? Haven’t you heard the reports?” He practically shouts at you. “Do you not care about your own safety, or do you have no survival instinct?” His voice raises an octave as he chastises you. Despite his tone, and some of his words, it did seem like he was chastising you out of genuine concern. Unfortunately, you cannot help the physical reaction you’re having to his looks, his tone, and his voice. Oh his voice… you think dreamily as your cheeks flush a bright pink and heat burns in your veins. The cedarwood and tobacco scent of his shampoo and body wash wafts into your nose from the gentle breeze, and at that point you’re finished. Your breath hitches noticeably and you can’t find your words.

“What’s wrong with you? I asked a question.” He said bluntly. Just then his seconds -Enomoto and Kusumi - come up behind him and begin apologizing profusely for their captain who goes by Ren Kaji. They ask if you’re okay. Kaji’s eyebrow quirks at their apologies, but he regards you with a softer expression as if he’s trying to figure out if he really hurt your feelings or not.

“O-oh no, I’m fine! Please don’t apologize. I’m actually sorry, Kaji is right - I should’ve been more careful. I’m sorry to have troubled you, a-and thank you for your help!” You stammered out quickly, feeling your cheeks burn hotter.

“I actually have to get going - sorry - I’m running late!” You say quickly as you take off at almost a sprint towards your school. Kaji, Enomoto, and Kusumi watch you go. He starts to worry that he did hurt your feelings, and groans softly at the thought.

“I’m glad you already realized that you should’ve been kinder to her,” Enomoto chastises Kaji gently, and his captain shoots him a look in return. “Just apologize to her, I’m sure it will be fine.” Enomoto reassured, and Kusumi nodded quickly in agreement. Kaji sighs and nods as he tries to form a plan of how he would go about doing that.

Kaji truly thought that apologizing to you would be easy, but for the following two weeks it felt like anytime he got close to you, you would just disappear. It got to the point where he got his seconds and some other Furin members to start intercepting you so Kaji could meet up with you, but somehow you got one over on them every single time. Usually disappearing mere moments before Kaji arrived. The scene he’s grown accustomed to is a couple of Furin members standing with bewildered faces and a space between them big enough for you to fit. Finally, he forms a different plan that he calculated would have a higher success rate.

You arrived at Pothos after school feeling completely dead. Avoiding Kaji seemed to be a full time job, especially when it seems like most of Furin was helping him to corner you. Kotoha serves you an omelet rice with coffee as she regards your exhausted face carefully, putting away her phone.

“Y/N, I hear Kaji has been looking for you, but you’ve been avoiding him. Why?” She asks gently, but still direct.

When you don’t respond, she continues. “He’s really not as mean as he seems, you know.” She reassures you.

“No, I know… I’m actually not afraid of him… like at all.” You admit sheepishly.

“Then why have you been avoiding him?!” She asks, a little exasperated. You feel your cheeks growing redder as you try to stammer out a response, but complete gibberish falls past your lips in the form of grunts and sighs as you grasp at the words. Kotoha bursts out laughing right then and begins pointing at you accusingly.

“You LIKE him don’t you?!” She practically shouts. You reach across the counter and clap your hand over her mouth to stop her.

“Kotoha!!!” You whisper-shout at her with wide eyes. She quickly quiets down as you lean back into your seat.

“So why have you been avoiding him, actually?” She asks cautiously. Your head immediately droops in shame. Raising your gaze to hers again, you open and close your mouth like a guppy trying to find the words. Finally, you sigh heavily before coming clean.

“I kind of like it when he talks to me like that. All gruff, and kind of mean y’know? I kind of… malfunction when he does it…” you admit just loud enough for her to hear. Kotoha obviously tries to contain her laughter, but inevitably releases a symphony of gasping guffaws as she holds her sides.

“Please don’t say anything to him! Actually, please don’t say anything to anyone! I’m so embarrassed…” you plead to Kotoha, and then let out a pained groan as you drop your face into your hands.

“I won’t say anything, I promise.” She swears with her right hand raised. “But you really need to talk to him. At least accept his apology, because honestly he’s been going a little crazy about it.” She said seriously. You sigh, but nod and promise that you will talk to him.

Kaji has been thinking about you nonstop since meeting you on the bridge. He really didn’t know he was being such an ass. He was wearing his headphones, so he had yelled at you when he never meant to. Still, you had flushed the prettiest pink, and the way you could barely respond had his cock straining against his tight denim. He especially loved the way your breath hitched, making it seem like you were breathless. His imagination ran wild with how many different ways he could make you breathless with that pretty pink blush dusting your cheeks. That’s probably why he was so worried about apologizing. You hadn’t seemed scared of him, if anything you seemed flustered by him. He was curious about you. About what you thought of him. About what your soft curves would feel like against him…

Which is how he found himself standing outside of Pothos looking at the message from Kotoha one more time: ‘Y/N is here eating. Wait for her outside and walk her home!’

He held a striking bouquet of stark white roses and black dahlias intertwined, waiting for you… like a stalker. Sighing heavily about the optics, he begins to straighten up to leave, but then you walk out of Pothos and look right at him.

“Kaji!” You cry out as if you just saw a ghost. “H-how are you?” You ask in a calmer tone - trying to cover for your weird greeting.

“I’m good,” he said calmly. He didn’t really script out what he was going to say, so he scrambled for how to proceed. Watching you fidget and remembering the goons on the bridge, he decided. “Let me walk you home.” He stated - clearly not asking for your permission.

“O-okay!” You say softly, but shoot him a gentle smile as you walk in the direction of your apartment, Kaji in stride with you. As you approach the bridge, he hands you the bouquet. You’ve never seen an arrangement of such contrast - perfect white roses, and deep black dahlias. Honestly, you wondered where the hell he found a bouquet like this. You almost asked him, if he didn’t speak first.

“I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. I was out of line.” He apologized, his tone truly genuine.

“Oh no, don’t worry about it! It really wasn’t a big deal. I’m fine anyway,” you chuckle softly. He doesn’t laugh though. “I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you…” you continue, eyes falling to the ground in shame. The two of you finally arrive at the bridge where you met.

“Really?” He asks a bit incredulous. “It’s not a big deal? I assumed you just wrote me off. Why have you been avoiding me then?” He was direct and firm with his question, but by no means rude. Your heart clenches at his admission - sad that he thought you had written him off.

“Oh, um… I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you feel that way…” you say softly. Pausing on the bridge you play with the wrapping of the bouquet trying to find the words. A pregnant pause passes.

“Look. I wasn’t asking for another apology. I was asking why. If you don’t want to tell me that’s fine, but don’t waste my time acting coy. You know what you want to say, you’re just avoiding that too.`` He said pointedly and then huffed as he ran his hand through his white locks. His steely blue eyes glinted with annoyance.

Immediately, your face began to burn and your heart pounded against your chest. Pupils dilating, your gaze zeroes in on the canines poking out as he sighed, and the way his soft locks fell through his fingers and framed his face. You find yourself eying his muscular build under his layers once again. Lewd thoughts began to race through your mind of what he could do with that hidden strength. Your imagination doesn’t help as it produces scenes in your mind’s eye of Kaji holding you against a wall - his hips slotted between yours and his mouth devouring yours hungrily as he grinds into your core. Another image of Kaji sitting on a bed with you in his lap - both of you stark naked. His hands gripping under your thighs and your arms draped over his shoulders as he holds you up and slides you down his length over and over in one fluid motion. He taunts you in your vision. Saying things like:

“Oh? You said ‘it’s too big! It won’t fit!’, and now look at you. Moaning like a whore for more.” He grins against your throat - canines skimming the sensitive skin there. He’d talk dirtier the closer he got to climax: “Who does this little hole belong to? Hm? Talk to me, Y/N. Who else can make you feel this good? Say it.”

“Kaji! She belongs to Ren Kaji!” You cry, voice straining in pleasure. “Only you-hah make me feel this-hah way Ren! Hmmmm-aaah!” You’d pant out, between desperate moans.

“I love your cock!” Unable to stop yourself from babbling now as his tip bumps that spongy spot that makes your thighs tremble in his strong grip. “I-I… You s-stretch me so good… Please, please- nnnnghh! Don’t Stop!” Drool collects on your lips as you whine into his neck about how he makes you feel.

“Yeah?” Is all he would respond with, breathless and sultry, before he’s speeding up his pace, lifting you up and dropping you down his length faster and faster - his thick cock bullying your gummy walls deliciously. Only your toes skimmed the bed sheets as you babbled and moaned into the crook of his neck.

Once again, you were malfunctioning.

“Okay. You say it’s not a big deal, but now you’re blushing again and not responding. What the hell is wrong with you?” He spats at you accusingly. Kaji’s blood starts to boil from rage at the fact that he tried at all - you were just like every other person who’s called him a beast. He turns to leave you there on the bridge when you finally let out a small squeak as you try to say anything. He turns back to glare at you, but waits for you to speak.

“I-I… goddammit!” You say with a heavy sigh as you rub your face. “I like the way you talk to me, Kaji. I-it’s… I just like it, okay?” You say back, unable to hide the bit of annoyance in your voice. Kaji stares at you owl eyed.

“What?” He asks quietly, but he certainly heard you. You’re positive he did, but you humor him anyway.

“I like the way you talk. You’re gruff. To the point. You don’t mince your words and I really, really like that about you. When you talk to me like that, or when you tell me what to do I just…” you trail off with another heavy sigh. Scratching the back of your neck as you continue. “I get really flustered. I don't know what to do or say, and you look so good when you talk like that…” you sigh again, your eyes having been glued to the bouquet in your arms for a while now, unable to meet his gaze. “I completely malfunction.” You admit shamefully, as you finally dare to peek up at him.

He's not able to look at you, but his face is beet red, and he’s holding a fist in front of his mouth like he’s trying to hide his reaction. The other held his hip causing his elbow to point out dramatically. Honestly, he could pass as a model like this.

“I’m sorry… I know it’s completely inappropriate of me... That’s why I’ve been avoiding you…” you whisper, feeling tears well up in your eyes - completely embarrassed by your own confession. All you wanted to do was to crawl under a rock and just die.

Kaji looks up to see you trying to hold back tears, and his brain short circuits. Fuck. She’s even pretty when she’s about to cry. He feels desperate to make you feel better, but a more depraved part of him wants to see just a few droplets fall down your cheek. If only so he can kiss them away.

Before the first tear can fall, he steps forward without thinking it through any further. You press your back to the railing as he closes his hands around it on either side of you - caging you between the railing and his chest. Breath hitching in your throat as he comes inches from your face. Steely blue eyes pinning you in place.

“Don’t you cry now. I told you I don’t want anymore apologies.” He said, still gruff, but there’s a softness to it. A hidden joy there. “Are you sure though? You like how I speak? You like me?” He asks tentatively. You nod quickly, meeting the steely blues that are boring into you now with determination. He chuckles low at the change in your demeanor, his cock twitches approvingly.

“And you’re sure you can take it?” He asks, his gruff voice developing a sultry edge as his eyes travel down to your lips and then lower before bringing his gaze back to yours. A soft moan escapes your lips from those words being said in that tone having been in your darkest fantasies of late. It’s just soft enough for Kaji to believe it could’ve been his imagination, but he feels your breath caress his lips. You nod slowly as your gaze becomes heated and half lidded.

“I need to hear you say it, Y/N. Can you take it?” His breath fans your lips as he demands an answer from you. Refusing to accept the silent yes - he wants to hear you scream it if possible. His voice sends liquid heat straight to your core as you rub your thighs together for any kind of friction.

“I can take it Kaji, I promise.” You whisper back softly, even though the darkest point in your eyes reflect the promise you have in store for him. His whole body is set ablaze with desire as he wraps one arm around your waist, pulling you flush against his chest. His mouth crashes into yours, devouring it hungrily. You moan against him, and his tongue darts through your parted lips, quickly claiming your mouth as his own. He doesn’t stop kissing you until you're both breathless and the need for air forces him to finally part from you. He takes a moment to look over your puffy, kiss-bitten lips and wanton expression. Then, he takes your hand in his and tugs you towards your apartment.

“Let’s go.” He commands as he leads you along. “Do you have any plans tomorrow?” He asks bluntly as he looks at you in his periphery.

“Uh, no…” you say quietly as you are ushered down empty streets, Kaji’s warm hand enveloping yours securely. You can’t help but steal quick peeks at his broad shoulders, sharp jawline, and the way the veins popped out in his hand. Occasionally, those deep ceruleans kept meeting your gaze from Kaji taking the same peeks. You avert your gaze quickly with embarrassment, but Kaji isn’t shy about taking in your blushing face - planning out how he intends to keep you blushing.

“Good. You’re gonna need the rest.” He states flatly, but the corners of his mouth slyly turn up from the obvious taunt. Your heart almost explodes right there for a couple reasons. One, it’s the first time you’ve seen him smile and it is downright angelic. Two, his eyes glinted with a promise of his own that made your heart skip a beat and your pussy drool and clench in anticipation.

[midnight-bay-if]

(NSFW Question) How would the RO’s act in a situation involving an aphrodisiac? Say Mc accidentally ate something that makes them extremely uncomfortable until they have sex, though the effects aren’t permanent or life-threatening. Would any of the RO’s be willing to help them out? Deep crushing but pre-relationship :3

(NSFW content warning. Not explicit, but very suggestive.)

S: As soon as they realise what your symptoms are demonstrating, S is very conflicted. They've read how unbearably uncomfortable the effects are, so they want to help. Not to mention the self-control it has already taken them to take it slow and court you properly, as you deserve. When S imagined falling into bed with you, it was after a romantic evening or bold love confession. It didn't involve the risk of rolling over after the deed with a deep regret.

In the end, they can't bring themselves to do it. They will stand guard, wait on you hand and foot, give you everything you desire... everything except them.

"I know you are strong enough to withstand this; should you feel the same after... perhaps we can talk."

Rain: They hesitate. In any other instance of you begging, they wouldn't. Absolutely not. They've been craving to see you like this for a long time. They've imagined countless ways to steal your breath; their imagination has kept them good company on many a lonely night. But it frightens them to believe you only ask out of necessity and not desire.

Still, they can't resist. They have ached for you much too long, and your heated gaze is enough to set their heart ablaze.

"Tell me how I can take it away. Breathe the word, and I am yours."

Taj: Taj realised their feelings were genuine only recently. In the middle of another verbal spar with you, they imagined your absence, and it hit them like a punch to the gut. They see you now, desperate and wanton, and fuck, do they ever want to give in. Had this happened before... when they thought you were nothing more than a chirping bird, they would have. No hesitation. It wouldn't be the first time they've rolled into bed with someone for the sake of fucking.

But now it matters. God, why does it have to matter?

"Ask me again when you're not blitzed out of your mind, Koel. I want to know when I'm making you beg, it's me your begging for."

N: All it takes is one heated gaze and whispered "please" for them to fall to their knees in front of you. They are no stranger to the effects of such a potent aphrodisiac, having fallen victim to such a ploy from their enemies. Except, they were locked into a dark room after, bound, left to rot. Why use pain to inflict torture when pleasure can be just as excruciating and lacks the mess?

They will satisfy you for as long as you desire. Then, they will don their mask that keeps them protected, smile, and leave. Feelings do not need to play a part. They cannot afford to expose themselves to you.

"Whisper your every desire, my dear; I want to hear everything."

Umbra: They can't stand it. They watch as you writhe and squirm before your eyes lock onto theirs, and you beg, "I need you". The words are their Achilles heel, and they fall to their knees like a devotee might pray at an altar.

"Tell me how."

Nothing can be worse than watching you struggle. If they can take it away, they will. There is not a single thing in this world they would not do for you.

[transmutationisms]

Genuine question here, how can we increase patient autonomy and handle psychiatric medication for people who are disabled to a point where communication and understanding medication schedules would be difficult? I think a lot of people in my circles have gotten to a point of understanding, yes, anti-psychs can be more detrimental to patients with no positives when talking about a person with psychosis in their 20s who is somewhat able to manage themselves, but have difficulty parsing what would be best in the case of an older person with a neurodigenerative disease, and as someone who is at risk for developing Alzheimer's, I'm not sure what patient autonomy would look like for myself at that stage of life.

alright so, the question of how to increase patient autonomy for those who are mentally incapacitated in various ways is a legitimate one -- this has been a problem in paediatric and geriatric medicine for reasons both social and biological, and also affects disabled/injured/sick people of any age.

the assumption you've attached, though, is that 'antipsychotics' (neuroleptics) are actually in a patient's best interest, and that therefore it might be justified to administer them without consent in cases where it cannot be obtained. this is just incorrect and tells me you didn't read any of the links in my other posts about neuroleptics. these are not drugs that 'cure' 'psychosis' -- they are drugs that used to be marketed as 'chemical lobotomies' for a reason! they are unsafe in the long and short term, and are administered because they make patients compliant (incapacitated, numbed out, chemically dependent). the question of consent is just moot here imo.

to touch on the general question: usually with patients who are unable to consent, what is supposed to happen involves a mix of designated legal representatives, loved ones who are present, professional patient advocates, and the patient's own advance directives. my opinion (& this is common among disability advocates) is that doctors are often overeager to decide patients cannot consent, and will talk over/about them rather than taking the time to try communicating with them in ways they can understand. a person's own legal representation or the hospital's patient advocates sometimes help bridge this gap, but many times these people are also nakedly ableist, and fundamentally it's ableism that is exacerbating this tension.

obviously there will also always be some cases where it's simply impossible to get consent from the patient themself (for example, my uncle had a pituitary tumour that made him suddenly and irreversibly experience a total break from reality, resolved only after his wife consented to surgery on his behalf) -- in those cases, yeah, medicine sometimes means intervening without a direct yes from the patient. but the reality is that many people who are currently considered unable to communicate, choose, or advocate for themselves are in fact capable of a trying to do those things -- they're simply not being granted that right in current social/economic conditions. this often includes people dealing with neurodegenerative conditions btw -- these are incredibly difficult conditions, i won't pretend otherwise, but it is a myth that they completely and instantly rob a person of all ability to formulate preferences about medical treatment or quality of life, or to express those preferences.

[ohara-n-brown]

The way people talk over Black Autistic people is... Mind-Boggling. Truly.

There are so many people in the autistic community that genuinely believe that them and Black Autistic people have the same experience, and that everything Black Autistic people go through they go through as well.

That's NOT TRUE.

Black Autistics face more questioning and doubt than White Autistics do.

Yes, all Autistics face doubt.

But when White Autistics face doubt they're often told 'You aren't autistic' - as in YOU in specific are not Autistic.

Meanwhile when Black Autistics face doubt we're often told 'You CAN'T be autistic'. Not just 'You aren't', but you can't.

As in 'You physically, biologically CANNOT be autistic because you are black'.

Do you see the difference?

I've had multiple people say to me 'I didn't know you can be black and autistic', or 'I didn't know black autistic people existed.'

Our mere existence as an entire GROUP is called into question. Because of our race.

No one will ever say 'I didn't know you can be white and autistic' because Autistic Representation revolves around Whiteness.

-

And yes, 99% of people with autism had communication issues.

But if you're a white autistic person you have never had to decode micoagressive racism through the lens of your autism.

- Especially at risk of your safety or life.

Allistic black people already have to carefully choose our behavior and wording with law enforcement under threat of imprisonment or outright on-the-spot execution.

Now imagine having to navigate conversations with law enforcement while also autistic.

Especially knowing that most of the time when a mentally disabled person is killed by law enforcement - they are usually also black.

Elijah McClain and Ryan Gainer - both autistic AND BLACK. Osaze Osagie - also black.

So even if you say that all autistic people experience this, it's very clear that Black Autistic people face it to a higher, more dangerous degree.

We are not 1:1. We are not the same.

This doesn't even factor in things like having to learn to codeswitch or speak AAVE. Or how predominately black schools have less resources for their autistic students.

Or how many professionals in mental health DON'T diagnose black people because they've never studied the Black Autistic experience, and thus cannot spot it.

Or how many Black people that ARE identified to be neurodivergent are instead labeled with ODD or BPD instead.

There are so many layers and factors to this that cannot be ignored.

The autism community needs to get better at understanding intersectionality. We need to get better at representing Autistics of color for ALL levels.

And y'all need to stop talking over Black Autistics. Our experiences are not the same. And that's okay.

[andhumanslovedstories]

Hi Sarah (or Sara? I remember you discussing the h but don't remember which way it's spelled). I hope you're doing well on your break and enjoying September. I have a question - how much schooling did you have to do to become a nurse? I'm considering becoming an elementary school teacher in Norway, which would require me to go back to school for 5 (additional) years. Seems like a long fucking time and i didnt do great the first run tbh. It would be free though. Investment in the future seems like it could pay off, so i guess im looking for inspiration from other ppl who have perhaps made a similar plunge

Hi, anon! I wish I could give you some straight up inspo. Instead, I navel-gazed for a while. Schooling-wise, I already had a (completely unrelated) bachelor's degree so I was able to do an accelerated nursing program after two semesters of community college doing the prereqs. I did struggle in nursing school. College has always been brutal on my mental health and nursing is a hard pivot from my original degree (double major history and english w a concentration in creative writing) (you cannot imagine how many books I read and essays I wrote). It took a little over two years in total.

You don't have to don't have to worry about student debt which is so so wonderful. I didn't have to either, and that's let me be way more adventurous with my life choices. The cost of your education would just ("just") be your time, energy, and the potential money that you could earn by focusing on work instead. I had to stick around in my hometown instead of going traveling with Cyrus. I worked a lot fewer hours than I would if I'd not been in school. I had to miss the live airing of the Jesus Christ Superstar on NBC in order to study for an anatomy test which was genuinely so distressing to me. 2018 was a hell of a year for me. (I aced that test btw. It was such an improvement over my previous test my teacher emailed me a congratulations note with twelve exclamation points.)

All of this while people were constantly talking about how shitty it is to be a nurse and how so many of them leave the field within six months. (Similar to teaching in that way, at least in America.) I was doing work I didn't enjoy for a job I might not stick with. There were a lot of times I resented nursing school for interfering with my life.

I'm still very glad I did it. My degree gave me a lot. On the very practical side, my degree has given me more financial freedom and a much higher earning potential. On the idealistic level, my degree has enabled me to do work that I find meaningful. The work touches a lot of things that I find interesting. My nursing degree has benefited my life, regardless of if I stay in nursing for the rest of my career or move on to something new. I didn't like getting my degree, but I don't regret that I got it.

Maybe it'll go way easier for you, maybe it won't be worth it. When I thought about becoming a nurse, it felt like my life plan clicked into place because it ticked every single need I had for a job. I didn't know if it would work out, but the rewards outweighed the risks. More than that, it was the first plan I had for my future that made me excited. I liked the life I pictured if I was a nurse. I've found that excitement to be rare and precious. If teaching gives you that, I'd strongly consider pursuing it.

Besides, you can always use my last-line defense against school despair: being like "fuck it I'm gonna drop out after this semester" and then keep not doing that. You can bail on stuff! It's rad.

[yuripira4e]

i already posted this in some tags but I want to be more insane acryally. This is kind of just my opinion on Edwin and The Cat Kings relationship n why I don’t think fans should try and push their relationship.

Their relationship is starts off and is mostly the cat kings own narcissism and predatory (not age wise; I mean literally) behavior towards Edwin and Edwin's need for someone to push him into understanding that his queerness doesn't have to be torture and can be something giddy (even if he doesn't return those feelings). This is super important to Edwin but his rejection of TCK is also as he immediately recognizes his lack of feelings and actual literal discomfort at the moves placed on him. TCK is good about boundaries and consent sexually wise but that doesn’t stop their relationship from progressing from there.

At first, the cat king does like Edwin but he doesn’t know anything about him. He sees their relationship as a game and Edwin simply as someone he wants to have simply because he can’t. He continues to torment Edwin (showing up as people he does like, propositioning him still, being threatening when his control is questioned) through out the show but starts to feel that “romanticism” towards him because hes infatuated by the kindness he's shown despite the cruelty he's presented to Edwin. Queerness and performance always go hand in hand and Edwin’s lack of it entices the Cat King.

The show runners and Lukas, the actor, have said themselves that the cat king is an older secretly insecure character. He’s jaded by heartbreak the the world’s condemnation of everything he is. Edwin is this younger, genuinely kind character that shows him that projecting his hurt on others and romanticizing it only hurts both people in that relationship. Their relationship is about the isolation of queerness and the walls put up to protect yourself and the coping mechanism used to not be hurt again; even at the risk of hurting those just like you- or those who used to be (cough cough the show runners saying that TCK represented the older men with bad intentions that every young gay man has met that welcomes them into the space and makes them feel loved to use them). The Cat King uses Edwin and Edwin knows this. That kiss from edwin was not a reciprocation of feelings; it was to say "I'm sorry your loneliness had caused you to think you have to use your power to control those weaker than you. (Naive, young, and someone he can literally trap) It's the easiest way to feel. And while I cannot and will not give you what you want or need, you deserve to feel happy and not like you have to gain attention of those uninterested to feel good enough.”

I just can't even explain all my thoughts about their dynamic it's just so much about the predation from older queers because of the trauma they've endured from their elders and the cycle of hurt and abuse that is passed down and the way we can break the cycle with kindness. The way we can protect our youths by healing those traumas.

Something the cat king learns and accepts because he can like Edwin. He can show Edwin the sweetness and beauty of being queer while also not being the one that should hold his hand through it. Edwin cannot be a romanticized replacement for the pain others have caused him and trying to force him to be so, continuing to treat him like prey to catch, will only continue the cycle.

tdlr: their relationship is super important for both of their relationships with queerness and trauma and becoming more aware of their identities but their relationship is not romantic- it’s simply an attempt to romanticize Edwin into someone he could love (hurt and control) in place of the people who’s actually hurt him and is supposed to be a parallel of real life predation in the queer community but the realization of this created an amazing acceptance and new bond I do hope they explore without TCK trying to force a non-platonic relationship

Off topic but I don't like people defending their age gap because, yes, Edwin is 86, but he died with a teenage boy brain and then spent 70 of those years in hell where he certainly was not getting his brain developed while TCK has possibly hundreds of years of sentience and experience. The power imbalance is not it y'all and that’s like super clear in the show

[elisysd]

3. Wonder why you took a risk on a broken heart you cannot fix

Masterlist - Previously - Next

Chapter soundtrack: Purple Irises - Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton 

Another DNF. On a track he loved and had witnessed him achieving great performances. But now, being out after not even a corner, it was painful. He knew he couldn’t have done anything to avoid it but still, it was a bitter feeling. And a feeling that didn’t go away when he saw you waiting for him, your mic ready. He hadn’t talked to you ever since that day at the restaurant, didn’t ask for your number, didn’t ask for your social media, didn’t ask for anything and a part of him regretted it. Kind of. He had promised to show you not everyone was untrustworthy but didn’t even think to ask for a means to contact you. He knew it was stupid but he hated empty promises. He was man of his word and to think he could let you down like everybody else was unsettling for him. 

He moved to you, Silvia by his side and gulped, bracing himself for a petty question that surprisingly didn’t come through.

“A very sad day for you Charles, can you tell us what happened with Lance?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t been able to watch the images yet but I guess he thought he had space and clearly, it was not the case.”

“Two DNF in three races, it’s not the start of the season you hoped it would be. What are your plans for now?”

“See what went wrong and try to learn from it with the team. That’s the best we can do and we will come back stronger next time.”

“Thank you Charles.”

As she was cutting her microphone he saw you looking at him.

“I’m sorry about the race. Truly.”

“No teasing this time?” he asked, surprised.

“I’m not a heartless monster.” you replied as Silvia pushed him to go talk to other media.

The meeting with her team went nice. They talked a bit about race, debriefing each other's interventions of the day and looked at what they should have done better. You were happy when Marion told you that you had improved, your questions sharper and more precise, and happy, you had decided to wander the paddock in search of new information or to meet interesting new people. That is something you’ve always liked to do, hanging out somewhere to get the atmosphere and to have conversations with people who could provide you with new enlightenments about contracts, performances or any changes inside the teams. You had learned it while being in New-York, during one of your internships while you were covering  basketball games where your boss had told you to let your ears wander. A few words that you were clinging onto. Near the Mercedes hospitality, you had not expected to run into Mick who was coming out of it, a bottle of water in his hands. Out of habits you smiled at him, giving him a little nod which he took as an invitation to talk to you.

“Hey! I saw you around, right? The new interviewer for French TV?”

“That should be me, yes. Y/N, nice to meet you.” you greet him.

You found it surprisingly easy to talk to Mick. The discussion flowed, laughter could be heard from the other side of the paddock and soon the sun was setting. He was friendly, caring, and offered her to sit somewhere so they didn’t have to stand in the middle of the way.

“You know, I’m going to a bowling place tonight with some friends. Do you want to tag along?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure it’s very professional of me.” 

“No pressure, of course. The offer stands but we all need to let go from time to time.” he added, winking at you before leaving.

You spent another half an hour debating with yourself on whether or not you should go. You could use some friends for sure, and Mick is not a bad guy, you know it.  He doesn’t have any hidden agenda behind his kindness, he just genuinely wants to get to know you and be your friend. And you saw how some journalists are buddy-buddy with the drivers, including in your own team. So why couldn’t you? You took a deep breath and decided that for once, you would have fun. And it had been a while since you had gone to a bowling area. You quickly went back to your hotel room to change into more comfortable clothes and you met Mick there. You recognised Esteban there as well and you were not surprised, you knew the two drivers were closed. 

You had fun. More fun than what you expected coming here. You sucked at bowling but it didn’t stop you from laughing. You also enjoyed Esteban’s calm confidence and how laid back he was. You told him you felt sorry about his crash with Pierre, Alpine could have realized something amazing out there.

“I know, I’m gutted. It’s not the start of the season we hoped it would be, for sure. But the season is long, so we have time to improve.”

“I’m sure it will keep on being better, Esteban. Trust your team.” Mick said, coming to them, a grin on his face. He sat down next to you before turning his head in your direction. “I’m glad you decided to come. I wasn’t sure you would.”

“I’m happy I did, it’s been a while since I’ve felt this relaxed.” you confessed. “I don’t have many friends, I’m not good at making connections.”

“Well you have us, now.” Mick shrugged.

“Aren’t you afraid that I’ll betray you?”

“Do you intend to?”

“No.” you admitted after a few seconds.

“Then it’s all good.” he smiled.

“You trust people easily, you know. A little too easily.”

“A few years ago, I wasn’t like that. I was doubting everyone and everything. I thought people only wanted to be around me because of my dad and not because of me. And then I decided to stop caring because usually those people end up leaving at the first obstacle. It’s better to give people a chance than being closed off. My friends are basically my second family, my home away from home. I’m a family guy, it’s tough for me to be away from them, so that’s why my friends are so important.”

“I’m not that close to my family.” you confessed and your heart wrenched at the thought.

“Because of your job?”

“That and I made a few mistakes in the past that really altered our relationship. And a lot of regrets, mostly about my brother. When you’re halfway across the world, it’s tough to be there when he needs you most. I should have been there for him.”

“It’s never too late to fix things.”

You gave him a sad smile and a shrug. You don’t want to bother him with your complicated family’s stories. And frankly, you don’t want to think about them.

“I understand you know, the regrets. I have so many when I think about my dad. I’ve never told him I loved him enough,  I should have told him everyday. I even regret things that are so far ahead in the future, like my wedding, my first kid… I often think about how he won’t be completely there to see all of that.” he bitterly said. 

“At least he is there. Even if it’s not how you want it.”

“I guess.”

When you ended up leaving, after this very heartfelt conversation, you felt somehow relieved. Maybe he was right, you didn’t have to assume the worst about people. You took your phone out of your pocket and looked at your lock screen. A picture of you and your brother. You smiled tenderly, you missed him. 

Coming back to Paris and to your flat felt weird after such magical weeks. The gloomy weather made you regret the sun on your skin and you definitely didn’t miss the messy public transportation. Your days were filled with preparing the next races, organizing a few livestreams here and there where you invited fans to talk about the first few races of the season. And thanks to your connection at Alpine and the good relationship you had started to build with the drivers you even managed to get an interview from Pierre where you get to talk about his first weeks in his new team. It had been a nice and chill discussion more than an interview and you were happy to see that people had liked the concept and hoped you would keep it going with other people.

Despite how happy you were feeling about your week, it had still been a busy one and you couldn’t wait to go home and hop in your shower to relax before going out again to meet your best friend in a nice parisian restaurant. You arrived earlier than her and got to your table as the waiter gave you the menu and asked if you wanted to drink something. You ordered a Martini and started to wait for her, scrolling on your phone to pass the time. But as if fate had decided to play with you tonight, right when you decided to lift your chin, you saw him entering the restaurant. Charles Leclerc. And in good company if you could judge by the brunette walking right behind him. A date you thought to yourself. You unconsciously sat further down in your seat in hope he wouldn’t recognise you. You couldn’t help but give him little glances, your curiosity getting the best out of you. It didn’t last long, though, as your friend soon arrived and Charles wasn’t in your mind anymore.

“You have so many things to tell me and I have so many questions for you!”

You laughed. She has always been your number one supporter no matter what you were going through in your life. You didn’t expect anything else from her. Happily, you told her everything, even the slightest detail.

“So, who is the hottest? And is there anyone who is single?” she whispered to you as if you were both part of a gigantic conspiracy.

“I don’t know, I don’t really think about it. And I don’t have the mental space for that.”

She knew what you were implying. She knew all too well. She put a hand on yours and squeezed it gently before diverting the discussion to a lighter topic. The conversation flowed until your friend received a call. She quickly apologized to take it in a quieter space and came back a few minutes later, biting her lip, visibly worried.

“I got a call from my mom… my grandmother fell at home and she hit her head. She is at the hospital… I’m sorry I have to cut our dinner short, but…”

“Dont. I understand. Go.” you reassured her as she threw her arms around you and kissed your cheek before making her way out.

He was fed up. Clearly, he was not having the time of his life. The girl right in front of him had been sent by Ferrari and Silvia in another attempt to set him up with someone. No pressure, she had told him, she just wanted him to meet her and who knows? Maybe they would hit it off. And if it wasn’t the case, then she would leave him alone. For now. So he had agreed, a few weeks of peace seemed like a good option.

But he was bored out of his mind. The girl, who seemed nice, he had nothing against her, was agreeing to everything he was saying and was waiting for him to hold the conversation. He hated that. He needed someone who could challenge him, someone who didn’t care about who he was and clearly the brunette in front of him wasn’t what he wanted. They weren’t even at the main course that she had already mentioned the growth of her following and the new opportunities being seen with him would bring her, if they decided to date. He hated it. And he didn’t intend to spend one more minute in her presence. When the waiter came to take their order, he looked him straight in the eyes.

“You know, come to think of it, I’m not hungry. Can I have the bill instead?”

He knew it was a dick move, and if his mother would hear of it she would most certainly give him an earful. But it would still be more enjoyable than sitting there. He apologized, quickly made sure that the girl knew he had no interest in going out with her another day and made his way out to pay. That’s when he noticed you, alone, sipping on your drink. He could laugh. Out of all places, he had to cross your path. As if acting on their own, his feet carried him to your table.

“Fancy, seeing you here.” he said, making you look up. He expected to see a surprised look on your face but it wasn’t the case. You didn’t take your eyes off of him, making him slightly uncomfortable. “What are you doing here, all alone? A date who hasn’t shown up?”

“I was supposed to meet my friend but she couldn’t stay for long, an emergency came up. So here I am, sipping my drink, alone. It’s okay. I’m enjoying my very own company. And that very tasteful assortment of pastries. I most likely won’t be able to eat that alone, though.” you shrugged, putting a piece of chocolate cake in your mouth.

“You know, I’m in a mood for sweet… care to share?”

You were about to offer him to sit with you when he quickly recalled that his date was still there.

“Actually, would you mind getting a doggy bag and going elsewhere to eat? I kind of want to get the hell out of here.”

“Your date wasn’t that good, I assume then.” you said as a matter of fact.

“How did you…”

“I have eyes. I saw you.”

“You saw me…” he repeated, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I was facing the door.”

And suddenly he felt stupid about trying to see a deeper meaning in her words than what she intended to.

Out of the restaurant, they both wandered along the docks, enjoying the fresh air and the almost empty streets, the bag of cakes between them as they were sharing in a natural way. Almost as if they had done it all their life. Charles told her all about his very bad date and enjoyed making her laugh.

“Glad to see my very poor and inexistent love life is entertaining.” he smiled.

“It really is. I mean, look at you. You have the fame, the money, the good looks you could have anyone you wanted and here you are, having the exact same issues as us common people.”

“Believe it or not, but dating has become harder and harder the more famous I become. Whatever that means. We are all searching for the same thing, at the end of the day and famous or not. We want someone to complete us. Someone we feel good with.”

“Yeah, it’s not easy to find.”

“Clearly not.”

They kept walking in silence, enjoying each other’s company.

“I’m shocked you don’t try to pry or snoop around. You could ask so many questions about the season and try to get insides… but you don’t. Why?”

“I’m outside of my job hours. Right now, I’m just Y/N and not Y/N the very insufferable journalist. And you hate my questions, it’s me who should be shocked that you want to hear them.”

“I don’t hate them, I just don’t understand why I seem to be the only one to be on the receiving end of your bluntness. Every freaking time.” he defended himself.

You let out a sigh.

“They are legitimate questions and they are always validated by the team before being asked, if something was out of line they would tell me and I wouldn’t ask them.” you simply said.

Charles felt that there must be something else, something she wasn’t saying but they didn’t know each other well enough for him to dare ask her. From the corner of his eye, he saw her repressing a yawn.

“It’s late, do you need someone to drive you back home safely?” he asked.

“No.” she immediately said. “I mean, it’s kind of you, really. This whole hour talking felt nice but I’m not sure it’s something that should have happened. I know I can make friends with drivers, and some journalists do it, but I don't think I can, personally. That’s just not how it works for me. It would make my job harder and I need a clear mind to focus.” you tried to explain, perfectly aware of how hypocritical you sound.

“Do you say the same things to all drivers or do I receive special treatment?”

You opened and closed your mouth. You didn’t want to lie to him and somehow he read it in your eyes that it’s not that you didn’t want to have friends among the drivers. You just didn’t want to be his friend. And somehow it hurt more than what he expected.

Author's note: Happy first GP of the season! To celebrate it, here's the new chapter! I hope you liked it.

Don't hesitate to leave a comment or an ask, as well as reblogging and leaving a like. Besides the fact that I absolutely love to read you, it helps a lot for the story to find its audience. I also have a taglist for this story, so if you want to be added so you never miss a chapter, let me know.

If you wanna be part of the taglist, let me know.

Taglist: @itsjustkhaos @thirstylion @cmleitora @charizznorizz @sltwins @boherahpsody @herondalism

[sunnynwanda]

Trouble of Mind: Part 1

Part 2

It's been a week. A week since Hero did something unacceptable. It wasn't exactly forbidden, more like a rule they imposed on themselves for ethical reasons. No matter how much they needed information reading Villain's mind was always out of the question.

They did it a week ago. Amidst the battle, for no particular reason. A thought had flickered behind Villain's gaze only to disappear in the dark pools. And Hero followed. Unconscious at first, an impulse that drew them in. That was the biggest mistake they had ever made. And it backfired.

Villain had no idea why they jerked away so quickly and accepted defeat just so they could escape. The contents of Villain's psyche traumatised them. The things that Hero saw inside their consciousness were disturbing, but what they found deep in Villain's unconscious mind sent reverberating waves through their body. Hero hasn't been able to sleep ever since - countless nightmares served as their only companions for seven long and lonely nights.

Hero sighs, brushing their hair back from their forehead. The sleepless nights were taking their toll on them. Dark bags had settled under their eyes, heavy with the knowledge of the secrets held in Villain's mind.

They hadn't attended to any of the challenges presented by their enemy in the week that ensued. It was not because of the lack of proper rest but rather rooted in their inability to face them after discovering things meant to be hidden. They hadn't left their house at all for the risk of running into someone they knew. Hence why the knock on their door didn't surprise them. They remained quiet for a long moment, waiting for the person to leave, and when the knocking seized, exhaled in relief and returned to their couch for another attempt of rest to turn into torment.

Except it did not. Hero lets out a content sighs, turning so that they are now lying on their back. They yawn, stretching to snap their muscles in place. It feels like a heavy burden has been lifted off of their shoulders. It's only when they try to open their eyes, that they realise something is off.

"What the f..." A hand on their chest prevents them from sitting up, then presses them back down. What the hell?

"Shh, it's just a compress," a familiar voice fills their ears, only increasing the panic. "Don't freak out."

"Villain?" Their throat goes dry. They reach for the cloth that's covering their eyes and forehead. Villain is seated by their bed with a glass of water ready.

"Drink this," Hero shakes their head, propping themselves up against the headboard. With a sigh, Villain takes a sip. "See? It's not poisoned. Just drink it, it'll help."

"What are you doing here?" And what am I doing here? They could bet they were on the couch a few minutes ago. How did Villain get into their apartment and move them without them waking up?

"Helping you deal with the consequences of your own actions," despite the sarcastic tone - Villain seems genuine in their concern. "You shouldn't have done that."

"Pardon?" They jolt, almost jumping in place. No one knew Hero had that ability. Villain couldn't possibly know. Right?

"You shouldn't have read my mind, babe." Hero's eyes widen in shock. Villain shrugs nonchalantly, taking the cloth from their hand. "My past is too much to handle even for myself."

"How did you..?" A million questions are circling in Hero's head, yet they cannot form a single full sentence.

"Gosh, for a mind reader, you are quite dense," Villain shakes their head, then presses a palm against Hero's burning forehead. Their fingers are gentle and cold, Hero almost leans into their touch. "Did you think I wouldn't feel you in my head?"

"I-I'm sorry," their heartbeat is accelerating, which doesn't help the fever, so they take a deep breath, attempting to steady themselves. "I really am. I didn't mean for it to happen."

"I know." Villain dips the compress into a bowl of ice water, then brushes Hero's hair back, wiping their forehead and temples. Hero lets out a content sigh, allowing their eyes to fall shut. "Why didn't you come to me?"

"What for?" They can feel the cloth against the bridge of their nose, then right behind their right ear.

"Help, obviously," Villain tilts their head for better access. "When was the last time you slept?"

"You know the answer to that," is all they can muster, their body relaxed under gentle touches. Villain nods, ignoring the fact that Hero's eyes are closed.

"Put a cold compress on your forehead and ice cubes on your pulse points - that helps." They stop their manipulations, and Hero has to stop themselves from huffing in complaint. Instead, they open their eyes to look at Villain. "I use essential oils and sleep in complete darkness when it gets bad."

"Do you have them often?" Hero's voice is barely above a whisper, but Villain hears.

They nod with a heavy sigh and focus their gaze on Hero's ear, which is crimson red. They wonder if it's a reaction to the cold or their touch. "That's what failed brainwashing does to you, babe."

Hero freezes for a second. When they finally speak, their voice is coarse. "I'm sorry."

Villain offers them a quiet smile before getting up. "Come find me if you still can't rest," they say over their shoulder and vanish before Hero has a chance to thank them.

Hero knows they've made a mistake. A mistake that makes it hard to breathe and almost impossible to sleep. One that led them into the dreams and nightmares of their nemesis. One that gave them a chance to repair the damage they've unearthed and - potentially - heal Villain's troubled mind.

They know they've made a mistake, so when the sun begins to set on the horizon, they knock on Villain's door.

Part 2

Masterlist

[sgiandubh]

Hi, I don't know if you understand me or go through this, I would like to know your feeling about it.

After all this circus (which I can't take anymore and after a few years in the fandom) I can't stand Caitríona anymore. I swear I try, I swear I try to get excited about her projects. I swear I try to understand her reasons, her anger, her antipathy towards us all these years. For a long time I managed to suppress this sad feeling I feel for her, but now it screams. I can not anymore.

On the other hand, I still support Sam, even more than I should, because he, along with her, plays the main role in the narrative and is not a saint. I think these feelings would be the signal to leave the ship. I no longer admire her, I no longer miss her, at least on social media, I no longer even want to see her face.

I feel bad for feeling this way, I don't know what to do. Have you ever felt like that? And before you start offending me, I'll tell you: I'm not anti, only or whatever. I am someone who paid a lot of attention to this narrative and ended up hurt, very hurt by them, by her specially…

Dear Feel Bad Anon,

I was just about to go to bed after a very, very long and dense day, but your question stopped me in my tracks. Story of my life, really: that banging on the dorm's door at midnight ('it's vile X, we just broke up, help') - ah, the memories. So, I will not let you down.

First of all, thank you for this ask. It is a genuine one, I know it. It takes a lot of honesty to write it down without cackle, hysteria and the everlasting 'they owe me' refrain (no, they don't owe anybody anything, because, Anon, do you owe anybody anything when you are that much in love? I am sure you don't give a hoot about Aunt Y and Neighbor Z, Anon, and fuck them and their curiosity, eh?). And, my goodness, you really do sound exhausted, here.

Take a good look at this pic I took in Mandalay (see post below) of a Yama Zatdaw (Ramayana) puppet show:

All these public ten years are summed up in here: the puppeteers (TPTB), the puppets (S&C) and the convenient prop ( T) in the middle.

Where are the private ten years? I could think of this Amarapura pic, taken the day after the puppet show:

And that is ok, Anon. It's them. Their lives. Their love. We are just peepers through a keyhole, in here: let's try and do it gracefully.

You don't like C anymore? S couldn't give a damn about how you feel, Anon, and forgive me if I sound brutal. He loves her and he already did the unthinkable for her. C does give a damn about you, however. Not because she cares about you, but because she probably thinks your intelligence and your questioning endanger her narrative and put at risk all the negotiated perks. This is why she thought intelligent to bark at you and publicly insult you: by a simple zealot reflex, her part of the bargain. It has nothing to do with her private truth. You are disappointed by a puppet, not the real C. Or, using this time Plato's Allegory of the Cave, you are mad at the silhouettes reflected on the walls of that cave, not at the people whose reflections you see - those people are outside the cave.

Get out of that mental cave, Anon. Stop racking your brains off trying to give definitive answers that cannot be honestly given with the amount of information we have. Stop obsessing about a visibly curated social media presence, online times and all this shit - they mean very little, especially at this point in time. Trust your heart and your intuition. Trust your life experience. Trust yourself, not me. All this side of the fandom can offer you is based on our own life paths and street smarts. Do I think it's legit? Of course, otherwise I'd not be here or I'd be a pervert. Do I think that together we'd be a step closer to what really is? Oh, by all means. But you are the only sovereign master of the course, here. You are the only one able to choose between believing or rejecting, staying on deck or jumping ship.

I chose to be interested in the puppeteers, Anon. The paper trail. The minute intricacies. The boring details Mordor does not want to see or doesn't know how to translate in simple English. That is really what keeps me going and that is something I will never publicly trade. The more I look into it, the clearer the picture is. Oh, for sure, I take great pleasure in seeing and discussing the script inconsistencies - don't we all? But to me and as I see it, this is the tip of the iceberg. The bar I set myself for public happenings, statements and all the shit show is very low. It avoids undue disappointment and even allows me to be relaxed about it. Not always. Not a perfect strategy. But it is my way of managing it and so far, it works.

Take at least a day off Tumblr. Think of it as detox. I can guarantee you will see it way clearer. I wish you well, Anon. And I really hope my long, long answer helped at least a little bit.

[bl00dlight]

Ooh I just saw the ask you answered about if Aemond genuinely cares about people and what not, and I loved your answer, very succinct. But it got me thinking, just food for thought really; if Aemond were to meet someone who genuinely loves him back and shows him this love, in a sense that he perhaps would know this person wouldn't betray him/wouldn't hurt him (be it a romantic partner or otherwise). How do you think he would react then? Do you think that, if he knew this person cared for him the same way, he then would allow himself to be vulnerable and trust the person enough to open himself completely?

I won't say similar because it's not that kind of relationship that I mean, I mean an actual real one, but kinda like the vulnerable we see him being in the brothel with the madam? Because there he looks fairly comfortable letting his walls down.

An Analysis Of Aemond Targaryen: Relationships, Romance, Cluster B Personality Disorders, Avoidant Attachment and How Childhood Trauma and Family Dysfunction Fucked His Ass Up.

I've written a psychology paper for you.

I have not proof read this. Idgaf about typos.

Also obviously as I say later, when I talk about this shit - it's in the context of me talking about a FICTIONAL, exaggerated character who has ungodly levels of power. Not your average traumatised irl person. So please do not come for me, I'm analysing AEMOND not you/others irl.

●●●●●●●●●●●●●

Answer;

I think it would be a nightmare.

I don't think he is capable of a stable reltionship. Just like many men in our world, Aemond needs CBT and like maybe a prescription for vallium to help him chill the fuck out.

This isn't a call out by the way, thank you for your question its a genuinely interesting one that Ive thought about alot. But I think fanfiction can start to feel like accurate interpretations of characters. So alot of the idea of Aemond being this soft baby boy on the inside who just needs a woman who loves him to fix him is a completely false dichotomy.

So here is why -

ATTACHMENT ISSUES? PROBABLY.

Aemond didn't actually really care about the Madame. We know that because he walks out and basically says 'A whore is a whore.' In his mind she is just a means to an end - he feels comfortable with her because she is familiar, but ultimately she is still below him, still what he would consider immoral and dirty. Remember he is paying her, he is buying her silence, her discretion and her submission. This is a consensual relationship, she isn't CHOOSING to do these things. He is buying her out.

The reality is, Aemond wouldn't be any different to Daemon. He would neglectful and likely alot less redeemable than Daemon - because ultimately Daemon's wounds are far more surface level, because Daemon is loved and has known compassion/warmth/supportive family etc.

Aemond hasn't. His ENTIRE identity is fractured. For example, take how he treats Alicent and Helaena - two people he knows both genuinely love him and cares for him (in there own dysfunctional ways) and he reciprocates this love and care. Yet look at how he treats them when he is triggered by something (feels weak, scared, confronted, vunerable).

Most people who come from dysfunctional families and have attachment issues or personality disorders or whatever other labels you want to give to trauma. Espeically for men who mainly become more avoidant or anti-social as a result.

They don't lean in to the people who genuinely care for them, they pull away. It's easier for Aemond to give in to the Madame, because she is familiar, but she's also distant. He has all the power. He can be vunerable because she literally cannot hurt him at all, she can't use that vunerablity against him, she can't abandon him etc. Why? Because he can do whatever he wants to her. He could just have her killed if she fucks him off. He doesn't actually care about her, there is no risk for him in being vunerable with her. Ewan Mitchell basically said it himself:

" 'Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.' That’s the code his character utilizes so he’s able to maneuver around this world without getting caught by Al Pacino.Aemond has a similar code that stops him from being hurt like he was as a kid. That’s why he’s able to walk out on the madam in that scene. He’s humiliated by his brother and all his crew, and it’s like this switch flips. The madam is no more. All of these people in front of him? They mean nothing. He stands up, he owns it. 'Yeah, I’m bulletproof. Anything you say, it will not work.' "

He isn't attached the Madame. He CAN just get up and leave because the dynamic is risk free. He has the power. But with Alicent or Helaena for example? Notice how he easily he crumbles? How he desperately wants/needs things from them. Comfort, validation, support, love? And when he feels he is being denied that - he shatters.

The trouble is, Aemond would never know someone isn't going to hurt them. If they are choosing to be there willingly, from what we've seen from his characterisation so far - that wouldn't make him less likely to hurt that person. It would make him more likely to hurt them. Which is standard practice with people who have been abused, they repeat that abuse onto others.

Genuine love, genuine vunerable is a fucken huge risk for him. A HUGEEE risk. That's why he kicks Alicent from the council - he can't be around her because she makes him feel vunerable and when he is in the council room he can't afford that. He'd rather convince himself the other person is weak/useless etc, then actually admit it's him who is the problem.

Again... look how he talks about Alicent and Helaena when they deny him, he calls both of them weak.

I legitmately think the Balcony scene is the perfect example of what you're asking about. Aemond does trust Helaena, and he does know she cares. He even thinks she won't hurt him. I mean she is the only one who HASN'T abandoned him. Look at how he approaches her, he is gentle and unknowingly manipulative. And when he feels those feelings become too much, the fear, abandonment, vunerablity etc, when he is rectifying with his own guilt the fact that he might have pushed away the last person who he had- he is literally about to cry. He didn't cry over the Madame that's for damn sure. He just gets up and leaves?

But Aemond doesn't leave at all. She denies him help over and over again, denies him validation and calls him out, and instead of walking away, he stays and threatens her in the hopes she'll give in. He is trying to maintain power over her, even though he knows he is completely powerless. That he can't do anything to stop her from walking away.

That is exactly what it would be like if he knew someone truly cared/loved him. He would be distant to maintain control most of the time, he would probably seek out alot of validation, he'd likely be gentle to some extent/ want to gain their approval - but once he has all those things, it would be an endless back and forth cycle and when he feels them pull away he would crumble and try to manipulate them back. And if they didn't give in, he would probably go back to threatening or abusing, just like with Helaena and Alicent.

Dont ask why but I know ALOT about attachment issues/personality disorders. He reminds me of a former narcissist I had a thing with, whom also had a raging avoidant attachment style.

BPD? Probably.

Now if we were to diagnose Aemond, I'd go down the bpd with narcissistic/anti social tendencies line of thought. Insert this tweet I found the other day:

There is really no fixing Aemond, the closer you are to him to more likely he would fuck you up basically. Because think about it? If he can be legitmately vunerable with you, if he ACTUALLY cares/loves you? There is a greater risk involved for him. It's harder for him to just up and leave when he needs to.

I mean we see him LITERALLY stay even after Helaena walks away. And then we see how he has another one of those shut down moments, his tear dries up, and he gets them cluster b shark eyes, like he did in the brothel.

Ewan Mitchell is unknowingly giving one of the most intensive, exaggerated yet nuanced depictions of a SERIOUSLY dysfunctional cluster B mf. Forget American Psycho or Girl Interrupted - Aemond Targaryen

And by the way, when I talk about this- just know I have alot of bpd friends, so I've had personal experience with them and they are some of the most deeply loving, insightful people I've ever met. All of them are trying their best to heal, which most borderlines really do try and want to get better. I also speak from a place of similar attachment issues and trauma - and believe me, my ass don't behave like Aemond at all. So I always speak with the knowledge that, I'm talking about fictional characters and not real people. And fiction is always exaggerated.

99% of people with bpd or dysfunctional attachement styles dont have narcissistic or anti social tendencies to the extremity Aemond does. It's a TV show, and Aemond is more comparable to the cluster B' s who are fascist leaders/cult leaders/serial killers/criminals etc then your average sufferer. So that's important to note.

I'm applying real world ideas to fictional characters to get a better understanding of how they tick. Aemond was written basically as a sociopath in the book. That's why I stress that his relationship with Alys is NOT a good one.

But in the show, the writers have 'humanised' Aemond which is code for "let's make his eventual villainy rooted in deep familial trauma and neglect, but also make it so he is capable of love, care - etc" So basically you've given him untreated, festering BPD which as a result of the fact he is male, a Prince and a rides Vhagar: he develops narcissistic tendencies as a result of a superiority complex compounding with the fact he can only get validation when he achieves things/ feels powerful when others feel inferior ON TOP OF THAT in s2, the lack of familial support/abandonment is installing an even deeper lack for empathy for those he views below him. He is also validated by Targaryen supremacy and subscribes to the idea that he is more deserving and entitled to power and a Targaryen legacy. He thinks being vunerable is a weakness because thats what he is taught. He thinks you get power via violence. Thus why he idolises Daemon who is his parallel.

Daemon also might be a tad bit cluster B. But, significantly less. He probably falls more into the line of general male fuckery and an unhealthy attachment style.

Aemond is sort of leaning into the Anakin/Scarlet Witch line of psychology more so then the typical American Psycho or Joker or Ramasy Bolton, Joffery Lannister etc etc; chaos for chaos sake.

In fact I think Aemond's greatest parallel isn't Daemon - it's Visenya Targaryen. Which is no doubt WHY Vhagar chose him. And Visenya too devolves into a total state of genocidal mania too. Probably why Jace told Rhaenyra not to idolise her.

Visenya was extremely stern, powerful, dutiful and most importantly: believed DEEPLY in Targaryen supremacy and loved her siblings fiercely. She was basically the one who got shit done, who was the driving force of the conquest and was able to whip Aegon into shape. She didn't fuck around, and she didn't like being fucked around. She even pulled a knife out on Aegon to prove his guards were slow and shit - thus establishing the King's Guard.

But she devolves into chaos and rage after Rhaenys dies and ESPECIALLY when it's Rhaneys' son who is Aegons heir not Mageor - WHOM ALSO IS A PARALLEL TO AEMOND.

But we won't get into that.

DOES HE HAVE WOMAN PROBLEMS? PROBABLY.

So basically as I said, Aemond has woman issues. Not just mummy issues. He has WOMAN ISSUES.

Number one he is a teenage boy. He wouldn't be some daddy dom sex god. Espeically since he has zero experience outside of the Madame where... it seems like he just cuddles with her.

As Ewan said, Aemond finds substitutes for the love he couldn't find in his mother/family. Ultimately, no matter what - that's what he is after. He wants the love of his family. And so any outside source he gets it from is disposable, because it's a substitute- because it will never not be a power dynamic for Aemond. He is the most powerful mother fucker in Westeros. He literally tried to kill the KING and didn't get in trouble for it. He wants to be in control of the world around him, he wants to as Ewan said 'Be the Daddy' of his family. He wants to make THEM rely on HIM.

And isn't that funny? Isn't that funny... how desperately Aemond wants the throne, how he'd sacrifice anything for that power. Why do you think that is? Because it means his family has to answer to him. They can't ignore him, can't invalidate him, and they can't deny him love/respect. He'd have total power over the people he feels powerless against.

And look at what happens when Helaena for example denies him, she's the Queen and Alicent reminds him of this. That she doesn't BOW to Aemond. And it shows, it shows because he begs her to help him, because he knows he holds no power over Helaena.

In a weird way, his desire for the throne is the closest he can get to being a baby. Baby's hold a lot of power over those around them. And being King well? Basically everyone does everything for you. You can have what you want, you can do what you want and everyoneeee HAS to love/adore/admire you or its treason.

Think about how valuable that is for a man like Aemond, who wants that comfort, that adoration. He was literally being held by the Madame like he was JESUS.

I think Ewan is right in saying, Aemond doesn't have 'mommy issues' - as I'm watching him, I don't think he wants to submit to woman or be dominated by them. I think the whole coddling/adoration etc IS his version of dominating them.

It's his version of power. Of having a mother dote over you. It's not a humiliation thing, Aemond doesn't want to be humiliated or made to feel inferior or at the mercy of anyone ESPEICALLY NOT A WOMAN. (Again look at what he does to Alicent and Helaena. He legit tells his own mum to go back into the kitchen.)

He wants a woman to make him feel special and validated. To not see any wrong in him or make him feel othered. And even the Madame does this, she validates him by TELLING HIM THE BLACKS SHOULD BE SCARED OF HIM. And that he isn't a boy anymore, he is a man.

It's alot more trauma based and psychosexual then some pornified kink. He isn't really getting off on it. And we see that because when she goes to kiss him, HE PUSHES HER AWAY. If he wanted to be dominated then he'd let her do what she wanted?

It's very specific to show that. He is in control. Again, he isn't taking comfort in the fact he can feel like a helpless little boy. He is being comforted because he feels empowered.

And I think ultimately that dynamic would play out in what you're asking. That genuine love/care you felt for him would be weaponised into him basically siphoning validation from it. It would be a very.... transactional thing, why? Because that's all he knows. His whole life has been transactional. He's been taught that love IS conditional and love IS synonymous with power.

He is looking at Aegon and thinking??? Look at how much attention he gets from Alicent? It's not because Aegon is more worthy of being King, it's because Aegon has power? Aegon has been given everything already just for being born first.

I think Helaena files into that. He WISHED Alicent had given him Helaena as a wife. Why? So he could prove himself worthy. So he could outsource all the love/validation he could from being given that power.

And what is that? Well Aemond tells us as a kid, 'To keep the Valyrian bloodline pure'. Which is what? Power. That's a big reason why Targs marry each other politically is to reinforce power. Had Aemond married Helaena, that would grant him power. Not only from the fact he's basically been provided a wife the point of heirs/politics - but it also because a wife is supposed to love and be dutiful to her husband. A wife is supposed to tend to her husband, even over her children, her duty is to HIM.

So in conclusion - I don't think anything could truly replace that for Aemond.

But I think the fact he views Helaena and Alicent as equals to him, makes it worse. In a weird way as a woman, the more he cares/loves/views you as an equal- the more likely he is to lash out against you because you have the power to hurt him.

He has to actively PUT DOWN his mother, when speaking to Helaena. He literally mentioned that ALICENT IS NOT LIKE US, SHE DOESN'T GET IT. In order to distance himself further from her, and distance himself from the pain of being abandoned by her.

IN CONCLUSION

Can you fix Aemond? No.

Would he become better just if he was shown love/care? No.

Is he capable of love/care. Yes.

Is there a chance at a healthy relationship with him? No. Not without him going to therapy which doesn't exist in Westeros.

Would he be a nightmare? Undoubtedly.

And remember there is a big different between not being capable of feeling love and care VS being capable of it and only being able to express it unhealithly because that's your experience with it.

It's a really tricky thing, because we are taught that abusive people and ABUSIVE MEN in particular are basically psychopaths. And absolutely, they are a section in the vast range of abusers.

But the nuance and unfortunate truth to abusive relationships and why in particular they are so dangerous and AEMOND would be so dangerous - is because many abusers aren't psychopaths. They aren't innately evil or want to hurt you sadistically at least.

Alot of abusive people, are simply reliving their familial trauma. When love/vunerablity/care become weapons, become points of abuse - you don't know any better. And you view them as weaknesses. Because well? They are. They risk you being hurt, you being traumatised. Or for Aemond 'being that scared little boy again'.

So the unfortunate reality is, the closer you get to Aemond in terms of genuine love/care the darker it becomes. Because it would become a source of pain for him - which would trigger all the nasty things we see him do to Alicent and Helaena.

The only way THE ONLY way you could bypass it, is if you basically lost all sense of self and completely submitted to whatever he wanted. As long as you validated him in some way, or comforted him in some way - then it might work. But i don't think that would mean he would turn into a loving and warm man. I think the extent of how gentle he would be is how he is with Alicent and Helaena. And notices how quickly that switch is flipped and how easily he pushes them away when he feels he is getting too close.

And it's not like you could talk to him about it, it's not like you could point that out and say - because he'd view that as you challenging him, making him feel less then, small, inferior, bad, unworthy.

Again... cough cough. Helaena and Alicent? When they call him out for him burning the village and trying to kill Aegon? What does he do? He gets ANGRY. He pushes them away further. He even outrightly LIES to Helaena. Like poing BLANK LIES and tries to accuse her of treason.

Yall see? There would be no winning. If you did everything he wanted, and he loved/cared about you the relationship would still not be loving or warm or fulfilling because he is scared of his own vunerablity in it.

And if you tried to fix it or God forbid had your own desires/free will - he'd threaten you and feel abandoned and do what's called 'spiltting'.

He is black or white. He doesn't know the grey scale. He can temper himself only to the point and only when it benefits him, just so he can strike later. He is calculating. He didn't flip out on Aegon at the brothel. He waited and when he had an opportunity, he took it. Aegon was dead to him already.

So you'd be walking on egg shells. Your best bet if you wanted him to be soft and vunerable with you, is to be the Madame. Meaning he don't give a fuck about you and you'd have no say at all about what actually happens to you. And he holds all the power via money.

But this is just my analysis based on his character SO FAR. It might change as the seasons change because... lord knows his characterisation has been all over the place as everyone's have.

[autisticlancemcclain]

fic rec friday 37

hello and welcome to fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.

1. Fade to Black by @yokohogawa

Things between Keith and Lance are changing but Keith is restless, especially with Shiro still weak, and ends up taking a bad decision: he leaves Lance alone in the Castle with a Lion he cannot pilot. Unable to form Voltron without the newly appointed Red Paladin, the four Paladins left struggle against the sudden attack of a Galra ship and later on take damage from the explosion of a star in close proximity. Lance, on the other end, is left to defend the Castle by himself and has little time to succeed: without energy, the Lions have only 6 hours of breathable air. Beyond that point, his friends will be dead.

okay yes technically this series is unfinished. HOWEVER the first two works ARE finished, and they are amazing showstopping incredible etc. tbh im not much of a black paladin lance fan, i genuinely think solo leadership is not what he is suited for, but this fic made me way more open to it. the way he handled severe crises was as fear stricken as it was awe inspiring highly recommend

2. once again i am a child by @lilaclavenders

“You’re not a spare tyre,” Adam interjects.  “I know that,” Lance says, too unsure to sound completely defensive.   “That almost sounded like a question.” “No... it didn’t,” Lance says.

Lance and Adam talk.

i have always been a fan of lance and adam even tho its the most evidence lacking fanon thing in this fandom. its truly just so interesting. and to have lance as a young cadet getting slammed so badly just in so many different directions being given at least one grownup in his corner...its a good read.

3. Lance the language man by @irish-vampire-blog

Lance didn't really try to learn a language. He just, kind of, picks up the basics and then works from there. Its usually unintentional. Ish.

He isn't stupid though. He isn't an idiot. He just isn't the same kind of smart as his friends are.

this kind of smart for lance is so REAL bc no he cannot do like quantum physics or whatever probably but the way he seems to have a pretty innate ability to successfully do many things that he tries. he just can u know?? thats the autism with the gay audacity i would imagine but i love seeing fics like this

4. my boyfriend's back (and you're gonna get in trouble) by teacupfulofbrains

hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back

Keith Kogane has never heard of Vine. Lance McClain takes personal offense to this, and makes it his personal mission to teach his boyfriend to meme. Keith is confused, mostly.

(OR: several instances of Keith not getting the meme™ and two times he did)

I LOVE THIS FIC SO BAD I CANT BELIEVE I HAVENT RECCED IT BEFORE. yes i am a cringe zillenial who still finds vine funny and quotes it on the internet but truly idc idc. this fic is funny. this fic is cute. established klance my love and light. also keith comparing lances eyes to the star of bombay is some of the gayest shit ever and also the only time i will entertain blue eyed lance

5. The Most Dangerous Thing is to Love by running_downn

Last time something like this happened to Lance, Keith wasn’t there. He’d thought he would have been able to do something if he had been there, or at least if he was, the guilt wouldn’t be so heavy on his chest. But this time he was there. He was right fucking there and he decided that it was infinitly worse.

~

Basically there's a new threat after the Galra and it almost kills Lance. Desperate making out ensues, but it's okay to recognize when it's not the right time for it. Keith cries a lot cause he's older and grizzled and therefore not as emotionally stunted.

green sock reality? team still out fighting as adults and lance isn’t a fucking farmer while the rest of the team isn’t? keith’s abandonment issues treated with respect and dignity and also the acknowledgement that he’s older and therefore mature enough to handle those issues in a way that doesn’t risk a relationship that is important to him? lance understanding all this and using the supportive nature he is known for??? yes yes yes. stellar fic that should have way more hits than it does

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!

[accirax]

Attempting to Debunk the Arei Dress Up Theory

(CW: death, a mention of blackface, and discussion of the BMI system. Spoilers through Chapter 2 of Trigger Happy Havoc and through Chapter 2 Part 1 of Danganronpa: Despair Time.)

As most of you are likely aware, it’s a popular theory that, for one reason or another, the killer of Danganronpa Despair Time Chapter 2 dressed up as the victim, Arei, and that you can see them doing so in this conversation.

Because Veronika brings up Teruko’s prosopagnosia (face blindness) later in the episode, because Arei unusually says nothing throughout this conversation, and because the Dress-Up Room was oh-so-conveniently introduced this chapter, at first glance, it seems very plausible that this could be the twist the Class Trial is heading towards. I, too, liked this theory at first, but then I got to thinking. And the more I thought about all the risk factors, the more I became convinced it was nearly impossible that anybody would have chosen to dress up as Arei.

So, that’s what I’m trying to prove today: no possible killer amongst this cast could have been dressing up as Arei at this exact moment. And, my method is the most fair thing I could think of: bringing up a bunch of points of contention that could trip up anybody, and giving each character either an X or a pass based on their own traits and skills.

Given that there are 14 points that I came up with, I think it’s fair to say that if the character in question receives seven Xs or more (AKA 50%), it would be basically impossible for their disguise to have fooled anyone for this long. I will be giving out double Xs (XX) on some occasions where I think that someone would have a particularly bad problem.

That is based on my discretion, but, uh… so is this entire theory. The good news is that, with this one, it’s particularly easy to play along at home! If you disagree with any of my points, you could run this experiment and change the boundaries or participants to your liking. I’d love to see it if you do!

For this theory, I will be tackling any important character that I think could be dressing up as Arei at this moment. However, that isn’t everybody. Here’s who I eliminated and why:

Because we’re looking at this particular conversation, no one who is present in the Cafeteria could be pretending to be Arei at this point. I mean, I guess if Arei was in on it, then the eventual killer could be dressing up as Arei, and Arei could be dressing up as them. But, if Arei is willing to cooperate… why wouldn’t Arei and the killer just act as themselves? So, Teruko, Hu, Ace, Nico, Veronika, and Levi cannot be dressing up as Arei.

Xander and Min are dead, so I’m excluding them from this conversation.

If Arei is dressing up as Arei, she’s just being Arei. That’s nothing unusual, so we’re not talking about it.

If you genuinely think MonoTV dressed up as Arei and is the Chapter 2 killer, I have many concerns for you.

…Please don’t make me speculate even further about Mai, my heart can’t take it. More seriously, I think that the odds of this huge Mai twist resulting in her being the Chapter 2 killer (and thusly getting executed) are low enough that I can excuse her. I guess it could be that Arei was already dead at this time due to someone else’s hand, and then Mai stepped in from who knows where to impersonate Arei for reasons unknown, but… that’s so speculative that, again, I’m not going to bother. It'd really freak out the killer, too; can you imagine?

Cool! So that leaves us with Arturo, Charles, David, Eden, J, Rose, and Whit as people who could theoretically be dressing up as Arei, likely as her killer.

Before we really get started, I just want to clearly state that, for the most part, I’m not relating this to the actual theories of the timing or method of Arei’s murder. I think it makes the most sense if the person dressing up as Arei then became the blackened, but I’m not actually going to tie anyone’s culprit feasibility into how well they could dress up. There’s no category based on “do they have an alibi for Arei’s time of death” or “could they overpower Arei in a fight.” It’s just an objective look at how good everyone would be at impersonating Arei. I'm going to address the hypothetical person dressing up as Arei as the killer for the remainder of the analysis, though, so keep that in mind.

Let’s get started with issue #1!

Issue #1: Arei’s Hair Color

One factor that even Teruko could notice is if the killer didn’t have the same hair color as Arei. The girl is super blue (Arei even claims so herself in the Chapter 2 Part 1 Q&A), so the killer missing her distinctive hue would be a definite misstep. Out of the characters we have left, I think that David or Arturo would be the best at matching her hair color naturally.

Thankfully, though, they don’t have to.

A point frequently brought up is that we’ve seen these wigs in the Dress-Up Room already. If the killer simply put this on as part of their Arei disguise, it doesn’t matter what their original hair color is. Now, this wig is a lighter color than Arei’s hair, and it’s a little curly, and you’d have to style it, and the white wig being so similar to Sora from SDRA2’s hair makes me think that this wig is meant to parody an existing fangan character… but I’m willing to ignore all that for the sake of theorizing. Plus on that last point, just because the wig may be referencing somebody else doesn’t mean it couldn’t have been used by the killer.

So, no Xs given out this time! A round of applause for all our contestants.

Issue #2: Arei’s Eyes

Similarly, if you showed up dressed as Arei without her beautiful cerulean orbs, a lot of people would probably notice that something was up. J, Whit, and debatably Arturo pass this one for having blue eyes themselves.

The frequent counterpoint to this is similar to the wigs– the Dress-Up Room could easily contain colored contacts which could allow anybody to make their eyes blue. So, let’s talk about the Dress-Up Room.

This is what it looks like in full. As you can see, it’s mostly clothes. Teruko calls it “a boutique,” and Whit and Hu only mention getting “new clothes,” implying that there’s mostly only clothes in this room. However, it’s not only clothes, because Teruko has this to say:

Teruko mentions things besides clothes in this room, but has nothing to say about contacts or makeup. If they do exist, I think it would have to be in this dresser area, either in the drawers or in the pink box.

Now, I don’t think it’s impossible that there could be contacts in either of these places, which is why I’m giving people who don’t have blue eyes a pass here. I’m also ignoring the specific iris/pupil designs that people have here (such as David’s stars or Whit’s heart-shaped pupils) for the sake of the benefit of the doubt. Nobody has patterns on their irises or heart shaped pupils in real life (even after eye surgery), so that could just be a fun design quirk the creator ignored.

However, I will be giving our first X of the game to Eden, because of her glasses. If Eden was dressing up as Arei, she couldn’t wear her usual glasses, which she presumably needs to see. She could remedy her vision impairment with contacts, except that she would have to be wearing colored contacts to have blue eyes.

I did look it up, and it is possible to make colored contacts with a prescription. However, they would have to be customly made for Eden, which would mean that either A) she had to already have them on her at the start of the game (highly unlikely) or B) whoever created this killing game’s set specifically made colored contacts with Eden’s prescription on the off chance that Eden both decided to kill someone AND decided to dress up as someone to do it. They’d have to do it in several colors, too, because they would have no idea who Eden was planning to kill/dress up as. That seems implausible enough to me to discredit her on this one count.

You could also argue that Eden decided to chance just not wearing her glasses here. However, that would raise the obvious problem that she wouldn’t be able to see either what’s in front of her or who’s far away from her, which are both bad for someone trying to go undercover. It would be really hard for her to get through the day without accidentally scrunching her eyes trying to see something, which would start giving her away. Additionally, if Eden’s vision requires a double prescription (such as needing bifocals), you cannot make contacts for that kind of vision impairment.

So, yeah. TL;DR, it’s still an X for Eden only here.

Issue #3: Arei’s Skin Color

Arei has light skin, which you can see on her face and other various body parts in her typical clothing. Thus, anybody with dark skin would struggle impersonating Arei, because they would need to put paint/makeup on their face, neck, arms, hands, and thighs to avoid suspicion.

My point about the Dress-Up Room also comes back here. We haven’t seen any evidence that there is makeup in the Dress-Up Room, and other than potentially in Storage, I don’t think there’s a great alternate place to get it. I would believe that both Whit and Hu might wear makeup, so it would have been easy for one of them to comment about the cosmetics present in this room if they existed, and particularly if they would later be murder relevant.

However again, for the sake of theorizing, I’ll say that there is light skin paint/makeup in one of the drawers that a darker skinned person could use to cover themselves up. It would still be a time consuming plan with a high chance of failure, though, so I’m giving Charles, Eden, and Rose an X for impracticality here.

Issue #4: Arei’s Ethnicity

(This section has been edited since its original posting. Thank you to @another-danganronpa-fan and @xmicrophonyx for drawing my attention to the August 6th Q&A and more importantly the March 6th Q&A!)

Although Google says that the last name “Nageishi” is most common in Brazil (???), given that it’s Japanese in origin (as are Arei, Fuyuko, and Natusko’s names), I’m pretty sure that Arei is Japanese. And many of the other students… are not.

Look, I don’t want to bring real world politics into silly anime murder theory, but I really, really doubt that the creator would want to have a person of one race dress up as someone of another race, especially for characters who would have to change their skin tone. It’s not as obviously bad as a character straight up doing blackface, but it’s close enough that I think the creator would know to avoid putting that beat into their story. I’m tempted to give characters that fail here a double X, but since it’s technically only my opinion, I’ll leave it at one.

Now, I am assuming characters’ ethnicities here based on last names, which isn’t a foolproof plan. It doesn’t account for characters who are adopted, or who have a mixed race lineage. Still, I think that, combined with their designs, it’s the best we have to go off of.

Therefore, I’m giving an X to Arturo (likely caucasian), Charles (confirmed Hispanic), J (confirmed Hispanic), and Rose (French last name, but given that she is obviously black I would say likely Afro-French/potentially Creole?). Because David (likely Vietnamese) is still East Asian, I’m letting him slide; same with Whit (confirmed caucasian/asian). Although Eden's skin tone still troubles me, I try not to penalize or benefit characters multiple times for the same trait. Thus, because Eden is canonically half black and half Japanese, she will also not get an X.

I truly hope that I did not offend anybody with this section. If I said something incorrect, please let me know so that I can apologize and either correct it or remove this section as quickly as possible.

Issue #5: Arei’s Height

Arei is 5’7” (170 cm), so for the killer to impersonate her, they’d have to be somewhere around her height. I know that the Arei we saw was probably sitting down, but like… the killer would still have to walk to and away from the table to get there, which means people could have seen them standing. Not to mention, your height still shows when you’re sitting down if it’s off enough.

I think that being one inch (2.5 cm) off in either direction would be enough to bypass most people (we’ll get to that), so anyone in the 5’6”-5’8” (167-173 cm) range could pull it off. Therefore, J passes at a perfect 5’7” (170 cm), and so does Whit (5’6”/167 cm). Arturo (6’3”/190 cm) gets our first XX here for being literally over half a foot (15 cm) off. Eden just barely avoids being half a foot off at 5’2” (157 cm), so she gets an X. So do Charles (5’9”/175 cm), David (5’9”/175 cm), and Rose (5’4”/162 cm).

Issue #6: Arei’s Weight

I bring in this point mostly to communicate how likely it is that the killer could properly fit into Arei’s clothes. If the killer weighed too much more than Arei, then the clothes would be too tight, and if they weighed too much less than Arei, the clothes would be super baggy.

The best way I figured I could analyze this is to use a Body Mass Index (BMI) chart, which, if you didn’t know, is a ratio doctors use to compare people’s heights to their weights to determine whether or not they may be over- or underweight. Now, there have been several critiques of the BMI system, particularly regarding athletes– muscle is more dense than fat, so some of the fittest people in the world classify as morbidly obese under the system. It also wasn’t designed for anime characters with unrealistic weight expectations (seriously how tf was Mukuro 5’7”/169 cm and 97 lbs/44 kg she should've been DEAD long before the Spears of Gungir).

Because of how unreliable this method is, I won’t be giving any characters XX on this one no matter how far off they are. However, I will be giving one X to anybody who is more than two points off of Arei’s BMI. Because Arei clocks in at 19.5, that means anyone in the range of 17.5-21.5 would be safe.

Weirdly enough, with that range, the only two people who get an X in the weight category are the same people who passed the height category, J (22) and Whit (22). Arturo (21.5), Charles (21), David (21), Eden (20), and Rose (20) all have fairly similar proportions to Arei.

Issue #7: Arei’s Build

Speaking of muscles, Arei’s the Ultimate Bowler, dammit! She’s a professional athlete, and Rose even points out her strength during the arm wrestling contest.

Although I don’t think that the killer would need to expect to demonstrate Arei’s strength (or especially her bowling skills) when in disguise, you can still gauge how muscular someone is just from looking at them. For example, were Levi an option, he would be way too muscular to pass off as Arei.

This point becomes a lot easier to score with the official strength chart that the creator released in the Chapter 2 Part 1 Q&A!

I know that the creator warned us to not take this diagram too seriously, but for the sake of fun speculation, I think that this semi-canon material is the best we have to go off of. Not to mention, each section is only one point out of fourteen overall. If we're a little off here, it'll be okay.

Besides, I suspect that they put in that warning more so for people who do intense math about crime theories (like people who calculate that anyone who lifted Arei’s body using a single pulley system would have to be able to lift approximately 64 lbs/29 kg what who said that). It's understandable if they didn’t complete a physics thesis paper on exactly how a drop of blood would fall on a cashmere sweater when it’s a humid July day and the victim ate sauerkraut ice cream earlier.

Jokes aside, I’ll say that anyone in the fit to average range would be able to pass as Arei at a glance. That means that David and J are a-okay. Arturo, Charles, Rose, and Whit all get one X for being out of shape. Eden gets XX for being even more out of shape than the out of shape people.

Issue #8: Arei’s Voice

Out of all the voices in the cast, I think that Arei has one of the highest pitches. Thus, if the killer was suddenly called upon to speak as Arei, they would need to possess the ability to speak in a high pitched voice to even have a chance of mimicking Arei.

You could argue that the killer would go in with the intention of not ever speaking as Arei, but you have to remember that this killer was intentionally going out and being around people so that their disguise could be seen. A simple “how are you this morning?” or “did you get enough to eat?” could ruin your plans. You could choose to not respond, but part of the reason why people suspect that the Arei in this conversation isn’t Arei is because she doesn’t speak. AKA, Arei being quiet is out of character for her, and not speaking would immediately raise suspicion!

I’m giving David a XX because his voice is deep enough that I think he would seriously struggle to reach Arei’s pitch. Arturo, Charles, and Whit have deep enough voices that I think that they could easily be caught, but it wouldn't be so unreasonable that they couldn't give it a try. So, they get a regular X. Eden and Rose pass this test with flying colors. J has a lower voice among the girls, but I think she could speak in a higher pitch if she wasn’t so concerned with sounding girly, and her experience with actors might give her an edge.

Issue #9: Arei’s Wit

If “Arei” is forced to talk, then “she” also needs to sound like Arei when she does. Therefore, the killer needs to be someone who could mimic Arei’s personality to a certain degree– AKA, they need to bring the savage energy that Arei brings to her bullying roasts. After all, responding rudely is probably the best way to make sure that your interrogator shuts up and leaves you alone.

I’m just gonna run through this one in alphabetical order. Arturo insults people on the reg, so other than the fact that “Arei’s” insults might be a little more appearance-based than normal, he’d be fine. Charles has been seen trading verbal blows with Teruko, so I believe he could pull it off. David radiates so much theater kid energy that I’m sure he could pull Arei off as if it were the role of his life. Eden… is the first character here that I think might get an X. Her general personality is super nice, and even when she does oppose someone, it’s either out of sad desperation (like when she defends Arei in the second Class Trial) or in a silly way (like when she blackmails Teruko). Even if she decided to be mean for the sake of her murder scheme, I just don’t know if she has the killer instinct to come up with ruthless burns as quickly Arei does. While not as much as Arei, J is pretty blunt and rude, plus she’s had plenty of target practice with Arturo. Although Rose is very good at replicating paintings, I don’t think she’d have the energy or present-mindedness to replicate Arei’s personality, so she gets an X too. Whit has made jokes that come off as rude to others in the past (like Xander in the prologue, or Charles in the laundry scene), and he’s hung out with Arei a couple of times, so I think he could do it.

Issue #10: Arei’s Relationships

We’ve discussed somebody talking to Arei in the abstract, but now I want to get more specific. Right before the Class Trial occurred, Arei made some very notable relationships with people that were not made public knowledge– namely, her emotional reliance on David, her unwavering loyalty to Eden, and her defensive feud with Arturo.

The Arturo one isn’t really a problem, as just being normally mean to Arturo would probably suffice. But what if David came up to her at lunch, put a hand on her shoulder, and asked her how she was doing? If “Arei” started insulting him or manipulating him, he would immediately suspect something was up.

Considering that, as the evidence stands, I’m pretty sure no one character (other than Arei) definitely knew about all three of these relationships prior to the Class Trial, I could give everyone an X. However, there is a way you can bypass this– if the killer was confident that they knew about the way Arei felt about everyone, even if they were actually wrong.

I was already going to give Eden, David, and Arturo a pass for knowing about at least some of the relationships, but under this lens, it’s even more believable. Eden is in the best position, given that she knows about herself and Arturo, and at least saw David there when she ran away. Given that Arei thought of her as a friend, it’s also possible that Arei would have mentioned to Eden that David was the one who motivated her to defend Eden. David knew about Arei’s relationship with himself, and knew that she planned to patch things up with Eden. He didn’t have any reason to suspect anything weird with Arturo, but again, the relationship didn’t change all that much. Arturo would have struggled with David, but he at least knew about himself and Eden. I believe he could have been overly confident in assuming that Arei hated everyone other than Eden, so I’ll let him slide.

However, I think Charles, Whit, Rose, and J would all get an X. Charles is a smart guy who I can’t remember ever talking to Arei one on one, so I find it hard to believe that he believed he knew everything there was to know about Arei’s relationships. Whit spent more time with Arei, but he’s also more emotionally aware– he knows how complex people are, and therefore probably wouldn’t bank on nailing how Arei feels when he’s spent so much time off with Charles. Rose is often asleep and therefore misses out on a lot of the daily life. She sometimes can’t even remember who people are period, so I doubt she’d have the confidence to believe she understood Arei’s relationships. J is definitely the closest on this point, given that she’s interacted with Arei a decent amount and is pretty confident in herself. However, she’s pretty practical (just like her effects), so it’s still enough of a stretch that I’d give her the X.

Issue #11: The Killer’s Skill

This category asks, “how much does this plan rely on the talents included in the killer’s own Ultimate ability?” Don’t get me wrong– not every case, canon or fanon, needs to utilize part of the killer’s Ultimate talent. For instance, Mondo didn’t use any skills involved in being the Ultimate Biker Gang Leader when he killed Chihiro, unless you count his overall strength and attitude.

I’m actually asking this because I think that the disguise plan makes a lot of sense with J’s talent, the Ultimate Effects Artist. As I’ve explained before, J specializes in practical theater effects, which would make her far and away the best at pulling off the visual magic needed to make herself look like Arei. So, what of everyone else?

Think about it this way: imagine if you were playing the first case of Trigger Happy Havoc, and you learn that the blackened threw Hiro’s crystal ball at the buttons to make the Trash Room open. Then, you deduce, aha! Taka must be the culprit! In this universe, you’re right, and Taka is executed. But, wouldn’t it be weird if Taka committed the crime doing something that lined up exactly with Leon’s skill, and there was no focus given to it at all?

If someone was killing Arei and using J’s talent to do it, I would expect that they would be doing it with the intention of framing J. And I don’t think that anything else in this case purposefully makes it look like J did it, even if J actually did do it. Thus, I feel justified in giving Arturo, Charles, David, Eden, Rose, and Whit Xs for this category.

Issue #12: The Killer’s Absence

In my mind, the theoretical point of dressing up as Arei is so that, if you killed or otherwise incapacitated Arei earlier in the murder process, nobody would find it suspicious that she was gone. That, of course, raises another question– what if people find it suspicious that you are gone? Because of that, I think that the killer is someone who would have to be able to slip away from the group relatively unnoticed.

Charles and Whit are giving each other Xs here. Since the beginning of Chapter 2, it seems like these two hang out with each other pretty much 24/7. If one of them was gone, the other would certainly notice. (I’m excluding the possibility of one of them being an accomplice for the other because I find it incredibly implausible for actual murder- and character-related reasons.) Not to mention the incredibly gay funny sequence of events in the second Class Trial where David questions if anybody could really have a solid alibi for the entire day, then Charles says that he was with Whit for the entire day, and David doesn’t even bat an eye. In theory, this also means that Charles and Whit were actually together for the entire day, which means that it probably should be impossible for either of them to have been Arei during the scene at lunch. ...Oops?. Speaking of spending the day together, though…

J and Arturo are also exchanging Xs. If J was busy dressing up as Arei all day, Arturo would have been roaming the halls calling her name. And even if J would enjoy Arturo being gone for a day, she would certainly remember it. She even says as much in the Class Trial:

Given that the “that time period” J is talking about is around 7:30 PM, it’s not fully impossible that either of them could have been Arei at lunch. However, they would still both generally notice the absence of the other, so they get an X.

I think Eden, David, and Rose all get passes, though. Eden is a generally sociable person who likes to talk to others, but she doesn’t have one particular person she’s attached to as much as Charles and Whit/J and Arturo are. The person who would probably be most likely to notice would either be Arei, but she would be dead/incapacitated, or Hu, who was dealing with Nico and Ace at the time. Plus, if she was absent from one conversation, people would probably just assume she was talking to someone else somewhere else. David also generally seemed to get along with people, but also seemed to spend a lot of time alone. Rose… really doesn’t have a lot of close friends, and also isn’t much of a talker. If she was gone, people would probably just assume she was off sleeping somewhere.

Issue #13: The Arturo Pass

Arturo is a plastic surgeon, a profession which looks at the smallest details of a person’s face and tweaks them, even in slight ways, to make them look their conventional best. Or, essentially, if something is even the slightest bit off about Arei’s face, Arturo could probably pick it up from a mile away.

Now, I know that Arturo did not appear in the specific conversation in which Teruko saw “Arei” being quiet. However, there’s no reason that the killer would have to believe that they couldn’t run into Arturo unless they were Arturo, right? Anybody could come into the Cafeteria, so unless the killer did something to stop him, Arturo could have come, too. Since we can’t prove that Arturo and the killer meeting did or didn’t happen, I think we have to assume it was a possibility.

Therefore, I think that all candidates except Arturo fail here because it’s unlikely that they could stand up to Arturo’s scrutiny. Additionally, I would say that J doubly fails because Arturo has spent so much time staring at her face specifically. It’s possible that he could have forgotten what the rest of the casts’ ugly mugs look like, throwing them all into the pile of disgusting rejection. But there’s no way that he wouldn’t be able to recognize Julia’s glowing beauty under the makeup and clothing that makes her look horrifying.

To summarize, Arturo passes his own check because he would have no reason to call himself out, J gets a XX because of how tuned in Arturo is to how she looks, and everybody else (Charles, David, Eden, Rose, Whit) gets a regular X for being ugly in their own unique ways.

Issue #14: The Rose Pass

Same as before, except even worse. Remember when I said we were coming back to the “one inch in either direction could fool most people” thing? We know that Rose can canonically notice 1/16th in (0.16 cm) growths in people, so having literally anything off here could spell death.

I am aware that Rose is sleepy, forgets what people look like sometimes, and is somewhat absent minded. So, let me address those concerns as best I can.

For the first, recall that this is the day where Teruko wakes up four hours late. Therefore, when she enters the Cafeteria, it’s actually closer to noon than it is to morning. Even if the killer was only dressed up as Arei around the time of that meal, we already know that she was awake at that time– Teruko leaves the Cafeteria and runs into Rose around the Gym directly afterward.

For the second and third, we only know that she only forgot about who J was before the first Class Trial. I would expect that after a murder actually occurred, she would be much more aware of her surroundings, and more likely to remember what people look like. She has nightmares about the trial and execution, which every student (except Xander) attended. With her photographic memory, I would expect that she would remember exactly what they looked like at that time. Not to mention that, under my system, everybody has at least one unrelated X. Those are all things that would stick out, which Rose is much more likely to notice than something that’s normal.

That’s my longwinded way to explain that pretty much everyone (Arturo, Charles, David, Eden, J, Whit) is getting an X here. Rose doesn’t because she, again, would not have to worry about running into herself.

The Grand Summary!

So, in the end, we see that (drumroll please…)

DAVID COULD FUCKING PASS AS AREI ARE YOU KIDDING ME–

Ahem. Well, with my analysis today, we have proven that nobody in the cast could have been dressing up as Arei at the time of that lunch conversation… other than David fucking Chiem, apparently. Now, keep in mind that he is just barely hitting under fifty percent here, and that he double failed on the voice.

But, uh, there you go, swap theorists. If anybody was going to swap with Arei, it would have been David. I look forward to seeing everybody’s theories about how David is the true killer of Chapter 2 via crossdressing.

Tip: I am so fucking mad. See ya, everybody– thanks for reading!

[femmefatalevibe]

What are some things you would have done differently? The most important lessons you learned throughout the years?

Hi love. Great question!

Things I would've done differently:

Stopped taking on/internalizing people's emotions sooner and never apologizing for my needs

Not allow myself to feel responsible for other people's drama

Took warning signs of people's codependency and victim narratives more seriously earlier in life

Reached out to others that earned my trust for support and allow myself to be more honest/vulnerable with them rather than resorting to hyper independence

Spoke up for my genuine needs and desires more

Expressed and follow-through on my "no" consistently and unapologetically

Let go of the belief that guilt trips can be worth emotionally entertaining or investing in

Learned that it is okay to disappoint people. Understanding that I don't exist to make others happy or comfortable

Most Important Life Lessons:

When evaluating who is trustworthy, see whose words and values consistently line up with their actions. Those who contradict and make exceptions for themselves are too self-involved to see you as fully human

Always live your life for yourself. Discover your personal values and aspirations. Do what you need to do to live in alignment with who you truly are, and don't let others' opinions stop you from working towards your goals. Don't make personal life decisions based on other people's feelings or opinions

You're always allowed to say no or leave a situation/relationship if you feel drained or disrespected

Your chosen family can or cannot be comprised of people who share DNA or are related by marriage. All that matters is that you have mutual respect and unwavering support from the people who have earned this role in your life

Emotionally distance yourself from anyone in your life who dismisses your emotions or experiences, attempts to obtain ownership of your life experiences when they fit their narrative, or expects you to put their needs above your own

Taking well-thought-out social and professional risks can greatly enrich your life

Don't be afraid to reach out to ask for help, advice, or connection. Most other people want the same thing and are happy to chat if they're available. Don't fall into the trap of trying to fix everything yourself. Only selfish people have these unrealistic expectations of you

Your health and sanity are your most important assets

When in doubt, advocate for yourself. Learn to discern when to express empathy and/or when to double down & stand your ground

There are (next to) no rules for living a productive and fulfilling life. Once your basic needs are met, and all essential bills/taxes are paid, the only genuine success metric of your life path is whether it allows you to feel generally fulfilled and satisfied on a daily basis

Set and stick to your boundaries. Prioritize interdependent relationships. Avoid codependency like the plague

Learn to praise yourself for all of your wins – big and small. Life is hard enough. Find ways to celebrate yourself as often as you realistically can – even if it's just getting up on time or cooking a healthy meal that day

Hope this helps xx