#like genuinely im so fucking exhausted
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this time around i don't have anyone to just hug and collapse against. it's eating me alive. last time i got through it with him and he's further away than ever. it's getting really hard to keep going
#my post#not to doom post but im so exhausted#like genuinely im so fucking exhausted#i am not going to lie the only reason i've stuck it out since may 10th is his promises to come back which feel less and less true#he won't even give me a simple assurance even if it's a lie but he'll say i love you and that he's happy to see me doing stuff on my own#which feels so underhanded. i just want fucking honesty. if he moved on with rooke and is staying in california#just let me move on if you've made up your mind i want to stop suffering so fucking much for nothing!!!!!!#the thing is that i am bearing it because the promise he'll come back is worth it!! but if he doesn't then!!!!#the only thing holding me back is my pets. that's about it#really truly. with him or with anyone i feel i have a purpose and a goal and something to strive for and a reason to carry on#but in my heart he was the last one. my soulmate honest to god i feel this strongly half a year later#im not strong like my parents carrying unrequited love like this. i don't think im cut out for it#and now all this shit with the country#im so tired#im not going to do anything#i don't think i am. i don't know anymore. i haven't felt this lost and despondent in a long time#i lost the one thing that really truly mattered and made me the happiest in the world and he won't give me a simple assurance#about the promises he made#i don't have parents. brothers don't speak to me unless i pull teeth#it's all getting to me now#i've beared it for so long and thought i was through with loss and grief and having my heart mishandled#im so tired of losing the ones i love and need most#and now all this shit#im so fucking tired and i just want a hug that won't make me feel gross
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Idk who needs to hear this but time and time again isn't over!!!
Webtoon removed the "time and time again will return!!!" Banner and I don't know why, but it's not over!!! There's still another 1/3 of the comic to go! There's a lot more stuff that I'm working on and it'll be coming back soon!
Please be patient with me, I know it's been a long time... But the stuff I'm making is really good and there's a lot of reasons it's taken this long. I promise I want it back more than anyone.
I'm trying to come back around the end of October. I'm doing my best to get everything ready in time, so no promises, but I'm on track to do so! I'm just one person writing and drawing everything, and my editor was fired so I'm not even getting any notes anymore. It's literally just me. I'm doing my best I promise!
#im so frustrated that banner has been gone#and people think the comic is over because of that#which is reasonable to think#but it... idk#its already an uphill battle to try snd retain audience after a hiatus this long#let alone when webtoon is actively building thr expectation that theres no need to come back...#im so frustrated#every day there is something new with them its so exhausting#this isnt even the thing I've been majorly stressed about this is a fresh new frustration#i feel like they're not just being unhelpful#at this point i feel like theyre actively sabotaging my career.#im not allowed to promote my books#i can't make my links too big so no one can find me#people dont even know i have a patreon#i can't make any announcements on the comic#and now people think th whole thing is over and it isnt!#im so ;_;#im so frustrated and demoralized#and people complete reasonably are losing patience and interest#and. ah... it's fine. like genuinely it is fine.#it will come back soon and i am doing a good job#and everyone who sees it's back will be happy with what ive done#cause it's good. its really good...#but. yeah. idk. webtoon has been actively keeping me down since the beginning and im so over them#I've been so mistreated aysudjejjdjdjdj#i just want to finish the series and go ;_;#taking all my power to not **** ******#just gotta power through and get the fuck out#text post#update
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dude how the fuck is it that everyone on this server has insane chemistry with each other. my brain just fuckin bounces between dynamics like wow foolish and bad, wow baghera and forever, wow baghera and bagi, wow philza and etoiles, wow fit and pac, wow pac e mike, wow favela five AND six (bagi screeching "DON'T MESS WITH FAVELA" paraphrased had my mental hamster wheel hitting unprecedented rpms), wow the french and the french + bebou, wow antoine and mouse, wow bagi and tina, wow tina and forever, wow morning crew, wow slime and mariana WHO I'VE SEEN INTERACT LIVE O N E TIME, wow rivers and roier wow, wow rivers + the vaca crew, wow girl town, wow jaiden and roier, wow baghera bad and forever, wow forever and cellbit, wow cellbit and tazercraft, wow cellbit and roier, wow quackity and etoiles, wow phil and forever, wow bad and etoiles, wow tina and etoiles (fucking love them), wow aypierre and maximus (what the fuck, love it), wow foolish and jaiden (and also bad), wow missa and phil, holy shit jaiden and cellbit, jesus christ antoine and maximus and SEE
I AM MISSING A MILLION INTERACTIONS THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY GONE INTO MY SIBLING'S TEXTS TO SAY "GOD I LOVE THEM" AND I GUARANTEE I WILL ADD TO AND UPDATE THIS LIST WITH MORE (bc wit of the staircase) there is so much enrichment in my enclosure my brain literally doesn't know what to do with it. i've stalled out. i'm so happy. how the fuck did they do this.
additionally, bc i KNEW i'd forget something: foolish and vegetta (HOW), cellbit and baghera, baghera and fit, mouse and cellbit
#qsmp#shut up vic#block game brainrot#i'm literally so excited for whenever german and lenay find time to play#esp bc i haven't seen german since his first day and i'm excited to get to know him#im really glad lenay was able to be there for the timer event that was really cool to see her there#honestly that goes for all the members i haven't been able to see on much#like niki and luzu and mariana and the like#genuinely i'm just so happy watching these people bounce off each other#their energy is incredible and it's so fun to watch#this is not an exhaustive list and i think that's really telling that i can name so many fucking dynamics and still not have named them all#i'm extremely happy. this is very cool what they've managed to do. holy fuck man. i'm never gonna be able to express it fully.
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finally coming out as a dyke in 2023 is realizing i dont need to pretend to simp that Guy just because everyone else in my friend group does
#finally coming out as a dyke in 2023 is realizing i can be insane abt women the same way my friends are insane abt men#life changing#mochats#im sorry to my friends who think me simping that guy was genuine#i was just trying to fit in#its a good time to admit that 90% of the time i also dont care abt male characters same way how-#-some straight women dont care abt female characters#i refuse to waste my power on a guy everyone else cares about#im tired enough and i have assignments to do#if i become an outcast for only sparing my energy on women then so be it.#i care about my friends and love them gushing abt a Guy but i personally cannot be made to care in a way they do#not just because i think (often neglected) female characters deserve more of my attention but also because-#-my attraction does influence my interest LETS BE FR HERE#growing up is realizing that putting attention on things you dont care about#is exhausting#as fuck#and i kind of hated how i feel like i wasted my youth energy drawing characters idc abt to please others#now im just tired all the time#while wishing i can draw more women more often#so like#dont do that#draw and write what YOU want#btw its not that i dont care abt men i just have such low energy lately that if i care for anything else but women — it may be unfulfilling#live laugh fatigue#every time i see a guy fanart i scroll past life has never felt so good#(unless its by a friend which i will appreciate dearly i love my friends art and how passionate they r)
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Went to the showing. Accepted the offer. All I can do now is wait and see what the landlord thinks about my special circumstances. Next week, I will probably know. ALSO LOOK AT THIS DAMN PATIO
#its only half of the patio too!#dog tax included. waowie#im so fucking exhausted my entire body is trembling#im gonna. lay down and stare at the ceiling. for a while#idk man. the queueing system in stockholm is weird so its genuinely 50/50 bc it looks like i might not make the deposit because of the delay#ed salary from my extra jobs. but who knows. who knows. ceiling staring time
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medic but hes in a shitty i cant decide animatic from 2017
#tf2#team fortress 2#tf2 medic#tf2 spy#im so tired right now i was gonna just upload this unfinished#but than my fucking mom came in and told me shes goong out#and needs me to be awake incase the fucking mailman comes#im a bit oissed about that im so fuckgin tired#like im genuinely exhausted#anywyas you can see my art deteriorate thru out this sorry about thst#hope you liek it anyways
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Raughhh I'm fine rn but frustrating to think that I haven't been able to like - just relax and enjoy things lately cause I'm too busy overthinking and having a constant anxiety attack ( exaggeration ) about nothing
#like can i pls just#live in the moment#broooo#its so augh#this is a vent but an unserious one#just pre-emptive cause i know ill probably be havung a meltdown tomorrow evening#i am prepared for it#in theory#likely i will forget all this and have 0 rational thoughts#abd if youre wondering why i will have one#its cause im playibg a game that i love with friends that i love#and FOR SOME REASON i have had a meltdown after every single session#genuinely dont know whats wrong with ne#but im learning how to Deal™#yay#anyway anxiety is exhausting so if you know someone with real bad anxiety you should hug them or snthn#but also explain why cause they might assume the worse#just saying#also this is queued cause im going to bed#NEVERMIND I FUCKING POSTRD IT ON ACCIDENT
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I hate work
#igm.talk#chey is back in depression mode!!! we cheered#depression mode means i have no energy to do anything 👍🏻#tmr im going to the beach with my best friends after work for a picnic and when we planned this a month ago i was so excited#and now i dont want to get out of bed tmr#bc the thought of having to go to work and then fake a smile all throughout the night is exhausting#but rescheduling also isnt an option bc the perks of adulthood is having maybe 1 day every 7 months where everyone is able to meet#but anyways about work - it sucks being the new kid and it sucks even worse when im younger than everyone else#when everyone else chats they'll talk about their kids and stuff and im here single and childless so ofc idk how to relate to them#and 90% of the staff are chinese and they all ignore me bc i look like a different race (we can all speak english tho so idk whats the issue#but when i speak to them in chinese they suddenly make a 180 and are SOOOOOOO nice to me?? complimenting me and shit??#and this has been a thing in every fucking job I've ever had like the racism is so obvious#i hate it so much#like between the racism and the loneliness and being underpaid im genuinely considering quitting#but at the same time i dont wanna be that kid who quit after 2 weeks... like i cant commit or something#and the company is 20mins away from my house and it's a 4.5 day work week so there are those perks...#but i legitimately dont know how long i can keep this up#pls can they hire another young person or at least treat me like a human being and not a statue or smtg...#im sorry for the rant i just really needed an outlet and i dont have anyone to go to irl 😞
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this might be a tad too personal of a post But do you guys ever come out and then stop c aring about your gender and then, some time later, realize that your loved ones slowly overtime start treating you as if youre not that gender Still just because youre just not like. scrambling to get top surgery
do you ever look at urself in the mirror a year after you came out and realize that you still dont like to talk about gender, that you let distant relatives say "oh he, or she or whatever", that you dont correct anyone calling you a "whatever" or a "they" even though youre binary, that you feel more and more insecure about it and that you like. just dont like how they talk about you as if youre nonbinary even though youve told them youre a man for two years now!
#this IS too personal LMAO#but idk. i feel like i lowk went back in the closet as i came out#its rly weird#trans#ftm#mtf#idk. its so exhausting#i wanna not care i reaally do#i dont want my transness to be my personality 24/7#but. they make it really hard#thwy just dont fucking respect it at aol#theyll never believe me about it to their core#IFGSHDGSHSV IN TIRED!!!!! IM SO TIRE#genuinely one of the hardest parts of being trans is. i WANT it to not be the center of my univers#personally i just like that idea#but its fucking impossible. because cis people just dont respect us#nyways
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twitter is so funny for constantly getting into best media literacy matches on a site where youre not allowed to type more than 280 characters at a time. meanwhile i spent my limitless characters here on tumblr to post abt emet selch's erectile dysfunction
#xivposting#twitter is simply not where i go for nuanced takes so it genuinely baffles me that people get mad when i dont offer it there#this post was inspired by a qrt that was furious w me for saying emet selch was not sorry and then went on a rant abt how burdened he is#i shouldnt say this out loud but i feel safer here so im gonna admit it. i fucking hate twitter#i have 280 characters to make a point of course im gonna make jokes its not my fault if you take it way too serious#and i genuinely find having to write tweet threads exhausting. if i break my thoughts up like that#then any one of those points can be spun out of context#i havent posted serious thoughts on there since i was into fuckign fire emblem fates dawg#sorry im ranting im kind of very sick rn and its making me cranky
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also picking raspberries turned out to be.. really fucking hard
#it's so physically demanding broo ToT#idk i feel like im just weak af because some people there seem to do it so easily and i can barely#do half a day#and they want me to do a full day tomorrow bro#like#I'm so tired after half a day..#i genuinely feel like i might just collapse or something#i do want that bit of money tho but it's sooo exhausting#i went there for half a day today and it killed me bro i was just lying in bed#and i didn't want to fall asleep cause it was like noon already but#i didn't even have the energy to look at a phone lmao#well it's gonna be over this week probably cause#the raspberries are going to stop growing in a few days apparently they're saying in 2 days#we're going to be done#I'd love to make more money but I don't think i can fucking do ittt#its so physically demanding whyyyyy#and why are there grandmas working with me in that field and they seem just fine BROOOO TOT#but yeah now that im thinking about it this also might be part of my problems cause#im soo much.ore irritable rn just cause im literally exhausted all the time ughhh#i came back home 3 days ago and i haven't even had the time to sit down at a desk and draw something#not even mentioning energy aughhh
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me to me: i would like to buy one disability support item please
me: but you already have something like this
me: i know, but this is easier to use and will put less strain on my body
me: but you can just use the other one
me: the other one puts me off doing essential things bc of how daunting it is to use
me: but it’s a waste of money
me: it’ll improve my quality of life
me: but-
me: just buy the fucking thing
#today on ‘just buy the fucking thing’ im looking at freezers#bc i really need to stop putting off eating bc of how difficult it is to look through a chest freezer#and it genuinely does#it makes all my pain worse plus the exhaustion of standing and digging through it#so im looking at vertical freezers#also having a clear divide of this is mine and this isnt helps my anxiety so i dont eat something i wasnt supposed to#and i can keep better track of what i have again bc its all just my food#and its eofy sales everywhere so hopefully i can get a deal on one#but yeah bc we have a freezer and i could just keep using that my brain really doesnt like the thought of spending upto a grand on a new on#but theres a hundred reasons why i could use a vertical one so my brain can shove it#just bc the situation is manageable doesnt mean it cant be better#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#spoonie#pots#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#chronic illness#chronic fatigue#chronic pain#fibromyalgia#eds#dysautonomia
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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need to skip to the part of my life when money won't be a problem
#txt#its so . why does everything cost so much. why isnt it easy. WHY ISNT IT EASY#every month trying to keep ur head above water is so fucking tiring like genuinely im exhausted
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i said i wasnt gonna do it but damnit i took the voluntary time off offering today with work because god ive been so fucking stressed these past few days that i need to just not be there. i still have work today but its just 3 hours and itll give me more time to sleep (even though i slept a bunch-) and maybe even take care of myself more.
plus i need to mail off this check later today and i just dont feel like getting up from bed.
body hurts, and im just so tired, but im glad pride month is tomorrow. i hope theres so much pride fanart on my dash then
#i hate being this way#in pain and stressed that is#its all because of this health insurance bill and genuinely being confused about this check#and then my data took a shit on me yesterday and i couldnt really use my phone when i got home#to google questions about the check bc it said i needed to put my state id on it and i didnt know if i could/should#and i also didnt know who tf is supposed to “endorse” the check either because its made out to the state so its all just so confusing#i think i figured it out but fuck i just feel so mentally exhausted from this. its not even like a big deal to normal adults??? but ive#never had to go through this before and im so indecisive and i need to know what to do with indepth instructions or else ill feel anxious#i just need a break from work and just the world
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every race weekend ferrari is like "yeah we use this race as a learning experience so we don't make the same mistake again" and then next week happens and they have 9 new and different learning experiences
#i am so tired i am genuinely exhausted i cannot even imagine having to sit on their fucking garage#listening to these people who do not make any sense next time i need charles to blow it up idgaf#its just so tiring reading the same interviews over and over again from different people on the garage#and they all say the exact same thing and the months go by and the script doesn't change and you have to wonder if he really is wasting /it/#doing the hate at 8 am on a monday like im getting paid to sit here LMFAO k i gtg to class see u guys later or not idk#scuderia ferrari
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