#like genuinely i cant. think. i dont remember i struggle with words with memory with. figuring out what i want to say. its so bad.

[therewithinthestars]

ice tea save me ......

iced tea..

save me iced tea

[eustasskidagenda]

omg hi hi! i adore your writing so much :3! if its alright with you, could i get headcanons for how crocodile, law, kid, and ace would be with an autistic s/o who loves to infodump, but is nervous to do so. theres always this odd bit of shame that accompanies infodumping for me because i get so excited i cant properly articulate myself *lays down* its just a mess of stimming, stuttering, and laughing at my own jokes. i feel embarrassed after, even if its totally an illogical response. im unsure if you write for autistic y/n so feel free to ignore this if you dont. thank you so much <33

☆Crocodile, Law, Kid & Ace with an autistic s/o who loves to info dump 

Hello, dear anon! I'm not used to write autistic y/n, because I don't know enough about this and I wouldn't like to be harmful. However, the situation you're describing is something close to ADHD, which I know well. So I've made some additional researches to be sure and come up with something, I hope you will like it. Thank you for your request, it was a sweet one ♡

CW : g/n reader, slight curses for Kid, fluff 

WC : Around 1,500 words

Crocodile 

Crocodile doesn't talk much, he's always serious and quiet. It's just that he's often thinking about his business and plans. But he's a good observer and would immediately notice if you want to say something but are too nervous to do it. He knows you perfectly, so he would recognize the way you're fidgeting.

He's a man with good manners, so his first reflex would be to lock the door and make sure no one can enter and destabilize you. When it's done, he will point his chair towards you.

"Sit. I'm listening, y/n." 

Actually, he likes hearing you speak during hours. He knows it's a way to express your love and feelings. He's flattered that you want to share your world with him. Go ahead and speak, he will listen. Even if he's just nodding or commenting short sentences in response, he has a good memory and will remember everything you said to him. 

If you're talking too fast and start to get really flustered, he will let you know that you're speaking too fast, like 'y/n, what did you just say?' 

Your hyper-focus and info-dumping are appreciated by Crocodile because he enjoys learning new things and you're a source of knowledge. Maybe he's impassive and struggles to express his feelings, but sometimes you will hear him talk about what he learned with you, so clearly he listened to every single word. 

"Don't be ashamed, it was interesting. Can we talk more about this specific point?" 

If you say something that he is really curious about, he has no shame asking for more. It's a way for him to express his genuine care for you. For him, it's a way to prove to you that even though he's always quiet, he cares.

Law

Law is similar to Crocodile in his lack of emotional expression and limited speech. He is always busy, struggling with his parasitic thoughts and taking care of his patients. Finding some private time with you is a challenge for him. 

If you run into Law with excitement about your passion or new hyper-focus, he may feel embarrassed because it's not the perfect time for him. Autism is something he knows about, and he is an intelligent and educated man. And, he wants to make you feel safe and comfortable. 

"I'll be yours in a moment, y/n-ya."

He has a complete understanding of you and is an excellent observer. The way you're already blushing, fidgeting, and swallowing nervously. He can even hear your heart racing. So first thing first, he will tell you to take a deep breath. After all, he’s a doctor. 

"What do you wanna talk about?" 

As Crocodile, he's a great listener. When you're full of passion and excitement, he thinks you're cute. He likes the sound of your voice. He loves when you want to find him and talk about your passion, because you're offering him a break from his work. If you weren't there, he would be stuck either in work or in his own head. When he's with you, he can forget about his dream of avenging. You're his safe place, truly. 

He doesn't speak a lot. But he is listening.M and asks questions from time to time.

"Yn-ya, there's been no urge. Take your time." And if you're stuttering a lot, he would just say nothing because it's pointless to make a remark, as long as he can understand what you're saying, he will never say something about your elocution. 

"That's interesting, where did you learn that much?" 

Law is a curious and intelligent man, so he likes to learn more about almost everything. If it can help him with his plans or maybe his patients, it might even be beneficial for him.

During your bedtime together, he would ask you to talk about your passions. The way you talk and laugh is like his own lullaby. When you speak, he can find inner peace because it shuts down all the voices in his head. He might fall asleep sometimes when he feels tired. It's just that you're providing him with some relief. When he wakes up, he would be deeply sorry. "So, yesterday, you stopped at this precise point… what were you trying to say after?"

Kid 

Kid is so goddamn loud. And really passionate. He's focused on his goal of becoming the next PK and has loved mechanics and robotics since childhood. He would be aggressively sweet, like frowning when he notices how stressed and nervous you act towards him. "Hey, Y/N, why are you so fucking nervous? Just speak" 

He thinks you're cute with your cheeks all red. On the flip side, he's a bit confused. Why are you nervous? Is it his fault? He knows he's loud, hard to love and rough, but he cares about people he likes. Have you seen how he acts with Killer and his crew? He loves his people. 

And, as a punk, Kid is marginalized. He knows a lot about being different, and if you feel ashamed about it, he can understand. "Come on y/n, let's find a private place" 

Grab your wrist in an aggressive yet sweet way and lead you to his workshop or bedroom. He sits you on the bed with his arms crossed and eyebrows raised. "Now we're alone." 

So, you start talking nervously. It doesn't matter if the topic is interesting to him or not, he will listen. Because as I said, Kid is a passionate. Everything can be made interesting by passionate people. So, yeah, talk about birds, cakes, plushies, or anything stuck in your head. He will like it. And he enjoys the sound of your voice. He’s even flattered to be your special someone, the one you’re looking for when you need to talk. It fuels his ego and pride.

He will deal with your stuttering as he deals with Killer's laugh. He'll shut up and smash all the people making fun of you if there's something you hate about yourself. You're his s/o, no one can laugh at you and continue to live without facing his rage.

"Goddamn, slow down" yes, not the best with kindness, but at least he's paying attention. 

He wouldn't help but think you're really cute, with your eyes shining as you finally manage to relax and express how passionate you are. He understands your excitement because when he talks about robots, music, punk or weapons, he's exactly the same. 

Kid is not the most culturally advanced, it depends on the topic. He enjoys learning new things thanks to you or Killer, it's important for him to be credible, and he hates looking inferior in front of others. 

"See, there was no reason to be that nervous" When you finished speaking.

Just poke your cheek, grin and leave a mark of lipstick on your front-head before returning to his activities and yelling proudly to everyone he knows everything about the subject you just info-dump about.

Ace

The sweetest. Ace's personality is both compassionate and protective. He grew up with Luffy, so passionate and talkative people are something he knows a lot about. As he's proud of his brother, he's proud of you and can listen to everything you say for hours. 

"Y/N, is there something wrong?" 

Yeah, he would immediately notice that you're starting to get nervous. His first reflex is to find a more private place, if that's not already the case. He wants to do everything to make you feel safe and loved. If it's winter or just cold, he would even use his DF to warm the room. As soon as you're all comfortable, he'll run his fingers through your hair. "You know I will always listen." 

Ace doesn't speak a lot about what's on his mind. He's way too stubborn and always struggles with guilt due to the blood running through his veins. So he enjoys having someone like you. Your voice is soothing him, and he loves how passionate and honest you are always. 

For him, it's even amazing and unreal to have someone talk to him. You're treating him like a normal human and not a failure, because he feels like it often: unloved, unwanted and unworthy.

"Sweetie, you don't have to rush, we have the time, I'll always listen" if you start to speak too fast.

Would entwine his fingers with yours when you're stuttering and laugh heartily at your jokes. You remind him of his dear little brother. He feels lucky to have you by his side. 

"I could listen for hours." And he's totally honest.

If someone makes fun of you, he's truly mad. You are as significant to him as his brother or Whitebeard. And if someone makes fun of his loved-one, Ace is merciless and really impulsive.

"Please, say more about this specific point!", "Oh, really, that's so funny?" He wants to make you talk even more. Until you're finally relaxed and able to speak without stuttering, blushing, or anything else. He doesn't mind it, even if it lasts for hours. Once you're done, he has his usual sweet smile on his face. "That was so interesting, why are you so embarrassed?" 

So you explain to him that you feel embarrassed about your info dump because you're afraid to annoy people or talk too fast etc." It's alright, you won't bother me." 

You're his sunshine. He feels loved with you. He feels more than just the son of someone; he's just Ace, and that's the most beautiful thing in the world for him.

Such a sweet boy. ♡

[wolvertooth]

~ The Transfem Nb Logan Essay ~

majority of his identity, his mask, is tied to masculinity. he doesnt want to lose that, as its the only solid part of himself he knows.

it’s what he remembers. hes on a constant search for the man he used to be, the man he thinks he was, to distract on how he actually feels in the present.

he doesnt want to lose that side of himself in fear of change, in fear of losing what little he has of his identity again. but what he fails to understand is that he doesnt have to keep clinging to it.

he'll still always have it, just as he'll always have other parts of himself as well. the mask isnt all he is, but he doesnt know how to deal without having it. the mask is what others like. the mask is the self he likes, the one that keeps him safe. and the mask isnt entirely fake, its just that those parts of him are just being used in the wrong way. its also the way the animal side of him is referred to. ‘not a man’. im aware its used an emotional metaphor, but it has potential for a trans metaphor too. he feels different and doesnt have the words to explain it. being Man is what he knows to choose over the animal, knowing he needs to keep that over whats inside. especially after the memory loss, he wants to hold onto that more ‘human’ side of himself. to hold onto ‘Logan’. not only is he presenting exactly as hes always known Logan to be, hes presenting as everyone else has always known him. he already struggles with accepting others can even tolerate him for his problems, and doesnt wanna risk changing something as big as his identity. when u dont feel solid, when u dont understand ur own feelings, u attach yourself to whatever solid thing u can. except, what if that solid self wasnt really you either? i think a lot of this realization would come from remembering who he was before weapon x, before the wars, and realizing the Logan version of himself that hes been trying to hold onto isnt as genuine to who he is as he thought. he didnt know himself then either. even further back, childhood, before anything bad happened...he lacked that sense of toughness. he had a happy carefree spirit. its closer to being real, but still, a child also hasnt developed yet. and the realization hits that the selves in his past arent what hes supposed to be looking for. thats something youre supposed to keep defining as you change and learn as you age, and hes definitely done a lotta aging since then. if you dont have a proper grasp on how u feel, the person youre perceiving yourself to be isnt gonna be entirely true. the immortality concept hits next. how other people get a time limit to discover themselves, while his is never ending. theres no finish line, no final self, which would likely freak him out a bit at first. and due to his spiritual side, i think he'd have a long journal sesh about this topic. like, what is 'self' if you peel back all the layers and find it? then what? would you still stay the same? or would you be cursed to be forever changing and evolving?....thing is, your core doesnt really change much. just the outer parts, like opinions and interests and ways of presenting. those are meant to change forever, while your core sticks with you. so whats his core feel like?

he can do anything he wants, and all the time to do it. why keep limiting himself?....what does he even want? or rather, what does he want now? 'anything' is a pretty large category of things to choose from. hes never really had to choose much before. surely he cant like everything, everyones got some kinda preference. but he doesnt need to do a complete ego death and give up everything thats interested him in the past, just reevaluate what things he still resonates with, and what things he's been repressing. so, he goes out and starts practicing, to search for who he is in the moment, rather than the past. searching for his future. its hard at first, breaking out of that small box in order to allow new things and conflicting interests. if he didnt have to be just Man, what would that person enjoy? i think over the years of accepting his mutantness, he's also grown to like the way his body looks, and would lean towards revealing clothes to show it off. (but its not just his clothes, he'd be seeking out other things that his toxic masculinity has restricted him from as well obv). and after accepting that he'll still look and act exactly the same no matter what he wears, he'd probably get into all kinds of styles, feminine masculine casual fancy, whatever, to make up for wearing the same stuff for basically a century. i only use transfem as a way to describe the direction he went from moving his gender away from masculinity, but he'd probably fw identifying as unlabeled(to represent his goal of defining himself by the present moment and accepting change)(but also if he knew about neogenders he'd probably be like 'my gender is feral type mutant', as well as still being a bit of a guy)(as ‘guy’ has a lot less pressure than Man) its true that its important to remember parts of your past, of what make you You, but only as a stepping stone to lead into who you’ll be in the future, or else you’ll forever just be stuck in the past as an incomplete person. sure, a person is never forever complete, but they can be someone in the moment, which can get clearer over time the more you experience being yourself. letting yourself be influenced by emotions, reactions, and the world around you, not restricting to be just a fixed mask or defined certain labels. as the caged animal metaphor implies, thats exactly what his identity is. caged. his striving to be a Man, used in the way of meaning Mankind, taken the wrong manner and caging himself within the perceived views of men, rather than in the human way. to be human is to define yourself, not to be defined by others. by not allowing the animal out, in fear of being defined by it, he unknowingly is still forcing himself to be defined by what he thinks those around him expect of him. he isnt just caging the animal, hes caging himself.

authors note: i have a long history and complex relationship with my identity, not knowing if i should return to who i was or keep trying to craft someone new, having constant on and off body dysphoria. i see a lot of people who resonate with wolverines butchness and potential to be ftm, but i had a basically the opposite reaction. i already had his exact body type upon becoming a fan of him(short, incredibly hairy, bushy eyebrows that i would shave out of hatred, and parts of me arguing over wanting to keep my sideburns or not). i wanted to embrace my prettiness, parts of me feeling more on the girl side, but other parts liked the socially viewed ‘masc’ things about my body, especially tied into my more ‘masc’ acting attitude....my guy sides and girl sides were at war. how could i have both? i wanted everything, but didnt know how, didnt know if it’d be ok....

from the first time i saw him(in x1), i didnt see a Man, i didnt see him as butch. i saw him as pretty. almost like a girl, but in the way parts me felt sorta like a girl. it was like it was telling me ‘you can be both. you can be all your contradicting parts, bcuz this guy can too. these dont have to be seen as masculine things if you dont want to see them that way. and when youre older, this is what you’ll look like. you’ll be ok.’

instead of being body goals like a lot of trans fans experienced for him, he was my body acceptance.

[autisticlee]

when you're autistic and can't mask and genuinely don't know how to talk to and interact with people, but you really want friends or something.....people tell you "go to places and ~just talk to people~ it's easy" but when you ask how to talk to people they say "just say anything" but you're super confused because any attempts to try to speak either end in getting completely ignored, bullied, or worse, because you're "weird and creepy" and can't say things right, make everyone uncomfortable, and making strange noises to communicate when you can't speak actual words isn't acceptable. that's if you can even physically say anything at all! because if you struggle to speak in general, then it's game over before it even begins. small talk seems simple because you can script most of it, but I can't even do that irl. even online when I do it, it never goes past that. i never feel connected to people, get bored/uninterested, don't know what to do after, and don't know when it's appropriate to start talking about special interests, if at all, because most people dont share my interests at all

no one has advice for that besides "just do it" and no one is ever patient or kind enough to try to engage themsleves, because no one understands how hard speaking is! it's always expected that *I* initiate everything and have to do all the work because im the one that wants a friend. no one is interested in me first, so no one will be the one to initiate first. i've gone to things alone, awkwardly did everything alone, tried to talk to people and failed, but no one approached me first or tried to converse and be friends. if someone did try to talk to me, i'd be so overwlmed with sensory processing disorder that i dont hear them and before i can try to clarify what they said, they walk away. my processing speed is so slow that i cant react before they get lost in the crowd.

I always end up extremely overwhelmed, burnt out, and need to find a quiet place alone to have at least a few meltdown or shutdowns. i'm struggling and suffering the whole time, but i'm "just doing it" because people keep telling me I need to "just try" and no one will help or support me and my needs and struggles so I have no choice but to put myself in dangerous situations where I can't be fully aware of my surroundings because i'm so disabled by my brain. I don't know how to behave if i'm not following and copying someome i'm with. instead I just dissociate until i'm not present and i'm unaware of myself and everyone and thing around me, while also being painfully aware of all the sensory input that wants to send me into meltdowns.

realistically, I don't think I *should* be going anywhere alone. I need help. I need support. I've gotten into near trouble with strangers who see me as an easy target but somehow got lucky and got away. I can't ask got help if I need it. I can't scream if one of those strangers got ahold of me. actually one DID get ahold of me once. I don't remember how I got oht of it. i dissociated so bad I have no memory after being grabbed...I don't know how to react to trouble correctly. I don't know basic common sense needed for being out alone. *I* know i'm in danger by being out alone but everyone in my life ignores my needs and struggles and forces me to either do everything alone or rot in my tiny dark room alone. so I decide to prove to them doing things alone is dangerous and doesn't help me. i'll tell them the dangerous stuff I got into they don't care. they just lecture me for not acting normal.

but I try. I try so hard. I hate every moment of ot and never get anythjg out of it except misery and pain and mental and emotional turmoil. but people don't believe me that i'm actually trying because they swear it will work if I "just try" so I keep trying and keep having a horrible time. it always ends in me feeling horrible physically and emotionally, being burnt out and disappointed that i didnt make friends like i was told i would just by going there alone. going to places does not mean you automatically make friends!!!!!! everyone else goes there *with* friends. they aren't looking for new ones. people who are good at making friends don't need to go places to make friends, because they already have them! so no social person who is good at talking and really nice is going to be there looking for friends, see i'm alone, and become my friend. hell, most social people talk one look at my awkward ass and turn the other way. they dont want someone awkward around them. my first impression is horrible. that's what people judge by. it's expected that i'm the one to try to break into a group of people and sell my soul to them and make them want to add me to their already established friend group. but i'll never know what group i'd fit in. I barely have the social energy to be around a crowd of people. how am I expected to interact with even a single person??? when you don't have the skill, social energy, or general ability to do any of the expected social stuff and cant mask on top of it, you have no other choice but to accept being alone forever...😞

[retarded-faggot]

back (please read the whole thing im begging you)

uh, hi

yeah, i still exist lmao

so, i decided to actually open tumblr after about 2 years i believe

and, oh damn. none of the links in the theme i have on my blog are functional, and what the fuck was up with all the lavender i used back then? god, such a child, right?

yeah, well, if someone still tried to navigate there, im so sorry, i just hopped outta the fandom for a couple years. and social media. and life.

not to say i have it together even now, but ive decided to be a little more liberal with myself and indulge myself with this shit.

yeah, so, not sure how many people are reading this, but all the stuff i had in the previously pinned "welcome" message? fuck it.

here's a new intro :

hey, im shades <#3

1.

i was previously :

(oh wow. did the bulletins exist before because idfr and i cant find them)

la-fille-noire-13: okay, cringe asf, but hear me out. I was like, a dumb tween, okay? i was so fucking obsessed with miraculous that i decided to learn french on duolingo and shit. which is why my username was in french. honestly what's worse is that i had just started learning it, and tbf google translate sucks so i have no idea what i typed in, but i wanted it to be "the girl in black" and it came out to be "the black girl" which I didn't realise until a year into it. tbf louis-oui-baguette would have been better. please forgive me for that atrocity.

chaotic-fiwwe: set by a slightly more mature, slightly more recent me. it isnt really good, but it is what it is folks. this feature on the miraculous fanworks server allowed us to "owofy" words if i recall correctly. so i was "fiwwe" for a long time on that server. i decided to finally come out of my cringe asf early teenage phase after like, 2 years and change my username. but im nostalgic asf so the "fiwwe" stayed.

shades: well. here we are. this will likely get similar thoughts in the very near future (im already contemplating hating this because why not) but this was completely randomized and safe.

2.

oh yes, im still a minor, so stop flashing me, please. i mean, i know im hot, but im just not interested thanks. go post this shit on onlyfans or stuff.

but yes nsfw jokes i shall make because well. why not. (for those of you who read this and think, god, she's a minor, why the fuck should she know this? uhm, i believe we've all been through the lockdown, right? and we all know that what came out of the lockdown is not exactly an innocent generation, right?)

3.

also yes,i may be young but im not gen alpha tyvm, so i shall hate on gen alpha brainrot because i can (no genuine hate meant loves)

right, and, my vocabulary isnt as proficient as it was before so fuck grammar (but my perfectionist ass will try to make it almost 100% grammatically correct in terms of words. not punctuation, words. i write in my voice. )

4.

ive been in the mlb fandom since 2019, i think. i love it and i hate it because

the plot is good but the amount of cringe in seasons 1-2 is not

i got back in touch with the series and fandom like a week ago, but unfortunately i couldn't find anyone to really match my freak (wrt mlb) anymore

which is why im back here <3

5.

ive read kotlc, percy jackson, 39 clues, a few books of agatha christie, and..

uh

idfr lmao i dont even remember what i read in these books either. i have the memory of a goldfish

and yes a huge huge huge sabrina carpenter, taylor swift, eminem, billie eilish fan <3

6.

im honestly kinda fucked up but not messed up if ugwim. my jokes aren't always the best, my posts wont always be people pleasing anymore, and majorly, there will be no more "mlb update posts" anymore.

i will curse 90% of the time so if its an issue please leave <3

i will post when i want to, what i want to, how i want to. but ill tag them properly so nw

7.

im not at all academically dumb so i may post stuff roasting you dumbasses (but i dont mean it, we've all struggled <3)

feel free to tell me if i havent tagged shit properly but you cant tell me what not to post unless its like, completely inappropriate and violates tumblr terms.

lmao im delusional asf to think anyone would actually be bothered to read this much but this is me indulging myself so

see yall suckers <3

[nonbinaryaubrey]

Also, because I genuinely want to hear more about it, what's the Revived Mari AU? You've talked about it before and it seems very interesting, but I don't think you've given a proper summary before. I mean, I talked to you about my AUs for days in your ask box, that makes it fair game for you to talk about AUs to me. -🎀

OKAYYYY.. revived mari revived mari. i dont know entireellyyy?? how to summarize it <- theres a lot going on and also i tend to be a bit indecisive so i kinda change things around sometimes. i can answer any other questions you have thoo!!

anyways uhh. basic plot rundown. forgive me for poor wording i kinda struggle to explain this stuff </3. After Mari's death and her being a ghost for a short while, she ends up inside Sunny's headspace, taking the form of headspace Mari.. For awhile being there is actually,, very nice for her. Of course it would be to her, especially at this point.. Its a world where shes alive. Where she still has her friends. Where she feels... a lot less angry and upset. She isnt sure how to feel about.. her brother here. Omori.. silent and near emotionless. It doesn't feel right but when shes here she cant exactly figure out why. But she can easily disregard it for now. This place is nice and shes happy here.!

But,, then headspace resets. She doesnt exactly,, remember it. or what happened before it but. she can kind of tell something is wrong. things feel like theyre repeating. it feels off and. she wants to leave. and she does,,, but. not for long. shes quickly drawn back to headspace.. (<- made up ghost lore stuff. ghosts easily get attached to certain things, such as buildings, people, etc. they can go away from these technically but will always end up being drawn back). Mari cannot leave Headspace pretty much,, even less so the longer she stays there. Things quickly go down hill from there. which is explained in this post but tldr: with each Headspace reset Mari loses a piece of herself and her memories in the process.

Things continue like this for the next 4 years up until Sunny begins going outside again. I think him doing that and him repressing some of his memories a bit less also helps Mari regain some of her memories too. which allows the scene at the dreamworld ocean and the scene at her piano to happen.. though when she really gets all her memories back is first when the black light bulb gets broken and Sunny goes through the truth sequence + when Sunny goes through Memory Lane... She performs the Final Duet with him and watches him leave Whitespace behind before her vision and consciousness fade away. She is happy and shes ready to pass on.

Thats until... she wakes up some time later (a couplee months id say? maybe during christmas break.), in the middle of the night and shes seemingly broken out of her own coffin. Its the most alive she's felt in years, its feels nothing like Headspace. But she feels as if this has to be a dream, another version of Headspace perhaps? One thats more like the real world Faraway town now. But either way she.. kind of has no idea what to do with herself, she no longer has a script to follow like she did in Headspace. Which I imagine is,, quite the sudden change after 4 years. She ends up just kind of wandering for a bit after leaving out the church, eventually finding herself at the old hangout spot (and.. accidentally scaring off Angel and The Maverick, who had decided to sneak out there. idk to be rebellious or what ever <- kind of a joke idea i came up with ig) She sits down at the abandoned picnic blanket and falls asleep there. <- thats kiinda where she hangs out for a little bit. Up until a small black cat runs in and quickly goes over to her, its purple collar having the name Mewo on it, soon followed by 2 younger boys, Sunny and Basil. She immediately stops at the sight of them, and they do the same. The 3 of them are all kind of stunned, but Basil and Sunny almost immediately run off as soon as Mari opens her mouth to say something.

^ ^ thiiiis is kind of where the stuff i have becomes very non-linear. i still have ideas and stuff but theyre more broken apart and inconsistent. but this is most of like the main plot/lore stuff thats important

I HOPE THIS ALL MAKES SENSEE!! heres a little mari for u if u read this all <33

[c-optimistic]

Great! I asked because if you didnt take prompts I wanted to be respectful of it, also okay if you dont feel like doing it or if you take your time, I admire and appreciate all your work. It's an angsty one😅 after the supergirl reveal, all the events and their drifting apart, Kara and Lena are rekindling their friendship, kara tells lena she's in love with her, lena confesses her feelings too but tells kara that after everything they cant be more than friends, angst here, then a happy ending 😁

“You’re my Lois,” she said softly, almost to herself. 

(It had been on her mind for days and weeks and months now, words she was afraid to fully verbalize, thoughts and feelings she wasn’t sure she quite wanted to string into something coherent. 

But now, in the silence, in their solitude, the words slipped out as easy as breathing, slipped out without her consent, her knowledge, her desire.)

Lena didn’t turn towards her, just wrapped her arms tighter around herself to stave off the chilly bite of the air. “I don’t know what that means,” she finally offered, voice terribly soft, eyes still focused on the city lights below them. 

(National City was beautiful in the fall. Parks turned orange and yellow and red, pumpkins and cartoon turkeys and the strong scent of cinnamon could be found on every street corner. Jackets got dusted off and pulled on, scarves wound their way around people’s necks, the smell of hot chocolate seemed to permeate the air. 

And Lena looked at home in the fall. Her hair was down more often than not, gentle curls framing her face. She was wrapped in soft sweaters and warm colors, looking gentler, calmer, more at ease.

And she was, in every way, Kara’s Lois.) “It’s...I—well.” Explaining was harder than she thought. Giving meaning to what she said was harder than she expected. “You’re the one I’d spin the world the opposite direction for, you know?” “Don’t be ridiculous, Kara,” Lena scoffed, turning away from the city and meeting Kara’s eyes briefly before walking through the sliding glass doors and back into her apartment. Kara followed sullenly behind. “What good would that even do?” “Turns back time,” Kara joked softly, watching Lena pour herself a glass of wine. Once maybe, days and weeks and months ago, she would have offered Kara a glass as well. Now she just set the bottle aside and sipped slowly, as if daring Kara to comment. “Why would you want to turn back time for me? And what does this have to do with Lois?” She seemed genuinely confused, and Kara realized she needed to be more direct. 

(In and of itself, it was a scary thought. She didn’t want to confess her feelings and be rebuffed. She didn’t want to tell the truth and leave herself open to...what, pain? A lack of reciprocation? Laughter at her expense?

And yet, and yet...Lena was her Lois, and she was worth it all the same.)

“What I’m trying to say,” Kara tried again, biting on her lip as she attempted to find the right words, beginning to think there were only three, not quite sure how to gather the courage to say them. “Remember Mon-El?” she said, switching tactics.

“Vaguely,” Lena responded, amused. She walked over to her kitchen, pulled out a kettle, a mug, and a packet of hot chocolate mix (an item she only kept at her place because she knew about Kara’s preference for it over tea). “What about him?” she asked as she put the water to boil, raising her eyebrow and looking at Kara expectantly. 

“When I sent him away, chose to save everyone over keeping him, Clark told me he could never do that,” Kara explained, that moment etched into her memory, inescapable and dare she say profound in the absence of feeling. “He said if it came down to keeping Lois or the world...well, he wouldn’t know what to do.”

Lena looked down, focusing on pouring the boiling water into the mug and adding the hot cocoa mix, stirring it in slowly. “Oh,” she whispered finally, pushing the mug towards Kara, “that’s what you mean about my being your Lois.”

“Lena, I—”

“—to be honest, though,” Lena interrupted, frowning, “I don’t think you have a Lois.” 

(Well, if anything could make those three words Kara wanted to say shrink back into their shell, it was that.

And for it to be said so casually, so abruptly, so utterly convincingly, as though there wasn’t any doubt in Lena’s mind. Well. That more than hurt, that felt vaguely offensive.)

“That’s so—”

“—you’re too,” Lena waved her hands, struggling with finding a word, “honorable,” she finally settled on. “You believe in duty, in sacrifice, in putting everyone before you.” She smiled, looking inexplicably proud, and picked up her wine glass, taking a small sip. “You’re too selfless. If it came down to it, Kara, you’d break your own heart a thousand times over for the world.” 

Kara blinked, wondering how Lena misinterpreted her. “No, Lena, I’m saying—”

“—no, I know,” Lena interrupted, setting her wine aside and walking over to stand in front of Kara, so close that Kara could practically smell the alcohol on Lena’s breath. Rather than meet Lena’s eyes, Kara kept her gaze on the ceiling. “And I love you, too. But we’re not Clark and Lois.” 

(And oh, Lena got it. She got it and she was braver than Kara, laying the words out there, giving the feelings between them a name, finally, finally, calling it what it was.

Love. She loved Lena.)

“I don’t pull off the suit as well as he does, I know,” Kara joked sadly, eyes still on the ceiling, knowing where Lena was going with this. 

(It was too soon. It was too much. It was too hard.)

“Kara,” Lena admonished, forcing Kara to meet her gaze. Kara’s vision was a little blurred, so she wasn’t quite sure if those were tears in Lena’s eyes or if her allergies were just working up again. “We can’t,” Lena told her, voice trembling. 

“Right. No. Of course.”

“Kara, after everything, being friends is hard enough, do you really—”

“—I said I got it,” Kara interrupted, blinking, horrified when her vision cleared and she felt something wet roll down her cheeks. She was crying. Crying. How utterly embarrassing. 

(She looked away again, unwilling to see pity in Lena’s expression, unwilling to confirm for herself that what was welling up in Lena’s eyes was indeed allergies. 

She looked away again, because she was willing to break her heart a thousand times over for the world, but she didn’t know how to cope with her breaking heart now.)

“I’m just.” She stopped, heaved a breath, and nodded curtly. “Just friends sounds good. But I’m going to go now.” She stepped back from Lena, practically power-walked towards the balcony door, stopping only when she felt something tug on her cape.

“Kara,” Lena began, but Kara didn’t turn. Couldn’t turn. Whatever courage Lena had been on when she’d managed to say the words Kara couldn’t seemed to fade, however, and she released her grip on Kara’s cape and pulled back. “You pull the suit off way better than him, don’t sell yourself short.” 

(It wasn’t what Lena wanted to say, Kara didn’t need the uptick of Lena’s heartbeat or the soft, regretful sigh she released a moment after the words escaped her lips. 

It wasn’t what Lena wanted to say, but it was what she did say, and Kara managed nothing more than a strangled laugh in response, taking off into the night and leaving Lena and a mug of hot chocolate untouched behind her.)

xxx

The next time she saw Lena was at game night.

(This was not for a lack of trying on Lena’s part. She’d invited Kara to lunch, to coffee, to a variety of science-related events—even Lena’s TED Talk—but Kara had declined them all, citing work or Supergirl-catastrophes.

Finally, Lena had sent a text reading just hmph, and Kara had spent the rest of the afternoon asking Nia if it was a good or bad hmph.) 

Game night, however, Kara couldn’t avoid. Namely, because it was at her own apartment. She had managed to avoid directly inviting Lena, resorting instead to a group chat message, something that had Nia shaking her head and muttering “children.” 

(And rationally, Kara knew better. She knew that she was supposed to be a better friend, that they were working on repairing their tattered and bruised friendship, that they needed to reestablish all those lines of communication and trust that had been burned to the ground. 

She knew, but she struggled. She struggled with the thought of looking at Lena and not thinking about how much she loved her, not thinking that Lena felt the same way, not thinking that had she been better—a better friend, a more honest friend, a kinder friend—then there would have been nothing in the way of her reaching out to take Lena by the hand, tug her forward, chase her lip, and—

Well. All those were things she was determinedly not trying to think of.) 

She was a bit of a mess by the time Lena arrived, looking as beautiful and breathtaking as ever, a bag of takeout in her hand, an unsure smile on her lips. 

“Are you sure?” Lena whispered, not entering Kara’s apartment. “If this is too much—”

“—I want you here,” Kara cut in, not really embarrassed by how desperate she sounded. Because now that she was looking at Lena, she forgot why she had wanted to maintain distance in the first place. Self-preservation no longer seemed very important to her. “I always want you with me.” 

“As a friend,” Lena added, cheeks flushed, suddenly very interested in her shoes, her heart pounding away, teeth digging into her bottom lip. 

Kara wasn’t sure what it all meant. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know. So instead, she responded with the honesty she should’ve afforded Lena sooner—the honesty her best friend was owed. “In any capacity you’ll have me,” she said.

Lena didn’t respond, but as she walked by to enter Kara’s apartment, the fingers of her free hand ran over the inside of Kara’s hand, barely brushing over Kara’s palm, really, and it was like an electric shock, leaving Kara paralyzed to the spot until Alex took pity on her and unrooted her—physically dragging her over to the food and games.

(And the entire night, as Kara flexed the hand Lena touched repeatedly, she noticed that every time she looked over at Lena, Lena was already looking at her.

And the entire night, as Nia muttered “children” under her breath, Kara began to hope.)

xxx

As the weeks dragged on and Lena showed no signs of wanting anything to evolve between them, much of that hope evaporated. She was only holding onto the last tendrils when she had to show up at L-Corp (again) to stop some madman’s mad henchmen from trying to kill Lena (again). 

When the men were appropriately stopped and detained, Kara found herself on the balcony with Lena (again), staring out at the city (this too, again). Lena wasn’t drinking anything, and she wasn’t dressed in her soft sweaters. Instead, she was wearing a navy suit, hair pulled tightly back, hands in her pockets as she leaned against the balustrade, eyes on Kara. 

“You took awhile to get here,” Lena finally said, and Kara turned to her, a little offended.

“There was a fire, Lena. I had to make sure it was out before—”

“—but I thought I was your Lois?” she interrupted, with more than a little snark. Kara straightened, standing at her full height as she approached Lena.

“First of all, low blow. Secondly, you said it yourself, I don’t have a Lois. Maybe you need to find a less honorable friend,” Kara told her, eyes narrowed. 

Lena didn’t look sorry. If anything, she seemed...content. “I’ve been thinking about it, you know?” She tugged her hands out of her pockets, and Kara thought her heart slammed to a halt when Lena reached out and placed her hands on Kara’s shoulders, drawing her in. “I think the truth is,” she continued, hands sliding across Kara’s shoulders, interlocking behind Kara’s neck, “you’re my Lois. Because there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you, even give up a chance at something more, something I really want, because I was scared it wouldn’t work and I’d lose you completely.” 

“Something you really want, huh?” Kara said, her heart jumpstarting at the feeling of Lena’s fingers against her neck, at the way Lena’s thumbs rubbed gently against the base of her skull, at the way Lena leaned up, pressing their foreheads together. “Are you still scared?”

“Terrified,” Lena breathed. “But I figure I could be a little more like you, potential heartbreak and all.”

Kara tried to nod, managing nothing more than gently head-butting Lena and making her laugh. “We probably need to figure out a better way to describe how we feel about each other, I think my cousin and Lois may get concerned—”

“—Kara?” Lena interrupted, pulling away just a bit.

“Yeah?”

“We can definitely talk about this if you want. Or you could just kiss me. Whichever you prefer.” 

(In the end, it was an easy choice.

And judging from the way Lena sighed into her mouth, she felt the same way.)

[incorrecttwoset]

Lesson time with Dani:

I think the lesson here is that... you cant destroy your self esteem if you dont have self esteem. Gosh, this is the first time im rewatching this in days and im IMMEDIATELY REMEMBERING THE TALENT.

Onto the reviews!

My little swiss roll by a 33 year old Japanese composer. If it is not yet clear, i cannot read Japanese. And Eddy, we don't make you fat you just like eating. (omg i like eating too! Soulmates confirmed?! Yeah nah my heart will always be for my brettybae) Also, fUCK now i want bubble tea. (I am smelling bubble tea right now. Even though there is no bubble tea. Am i gOING INSANE.)

1. Kitai - Anticipation. Oh, i can dEFINITELY feel the excitement in this one. Is there a word for excitedly waiting? Or is that just the word anticipation? Because let me tell you, i genuinely yEARNED for swiss rolls with that part. Its so light and joyful, like watching a baker prepare your swiss roll as a young child who's most important worry is the swiss roll he's about to eat. Yes, there are some questionable parts but overall, i think the bois conveyed the proper emotions and feelings correctly. Its either that or my stomach is asking me to eat breakfast.

2. Gochiso - Feast. I am already getting an image of putting a piece of cake in your mouth and savoring the wonderful sweetness and flavors of the cake, icings and fillings. The way your face slowly turns into a smile as the sugar dissolves and spreads onto your tongue and the way the fork just cuts the soft cake. And the strawberry topping you pop in your mouth. Thank you for that perfect pizz. Turned my heavy romance fluff fic back into a happy lil comedy.

3. Akogare - Longing. Okay, this is too sad to be felt IMMEDIATELY AFTER eating the cake. Its still fits the title of longing its just wOAH OKAY EMOTIONAL WHIPLASH EXISTS. If this was set like a story thing, i feel like this takes place after our protag has left the bakery and has lost the sweet taste of swiss roll cake from his lips. And started to yearn once again for more, the faint flavors of his tongue reminding him of a happier time. A time with swiss roll cake...

Damn now i want swiss roll.

Aviolintango by Lorezno Gutierrez. wOAH THIS ONE SOUNDS EPICCCCCCCCCCC. Dude, this sounds like something that could play in like a fight or chase scene in a fight scene. Its pretty short but its still a wonderful piece. And that soft troll ending? Perfect. Not just because of the reactions. Because youd want it to end on an even bigger grander note than the one before it right? But, the composer decided to step away and let the cheeky spy vibes flow until the end. Please do not judge my opinion, if it isnt clear yet, even though ive said thus a thousand times over, i am just a kid who likes two violin bois and classical music. I just vibe yo.

Inspiration by Vladimir Bodunov, 39 years old. Damn. The first part they played sounded to me like the desire and struggle to lift off the ground and fly. Like, the person wants to, the desire is there but its not enough. I feel like they stopped that part near the "climax" where the tension finally breaks and it takes off. The final part to me sounds like... (a dying seal) the person in focus of the piece or whatever finally reaching the sun. And having a phoenix-like rebirth. With just two chords too! The talent and skill. I kent.

Duet for two violins by Robyn, 13 years old. (Okay flex) Also pretty nice of her to leave dynamics up to interpretation. (Even though i have nO IDEA what that means) And i kNOW THAT ITS A DUET BUT- for some fUCKIN reason, its giving me quartet vibes. And i dONT. KNOW. WHY. IS THE PIECE JUST THAT GOOD. (Lol probabky just heard a quartet playing something like this and my memories were instantly. Unlocked.) I guess it gives me vague schubert or schumann vibes. I forgot which one had a lot of chamber music. BASICALLY WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY IS. It nice. Me like. (Tiny claps)

Flying Fledglings by Anastasia Loiko, 14 yrs old. (Please stop flexing. I already know im uSELESS) It sounded very smooth, in the way that the first few bars personally sounded like a strange... denial despair troubked feeling feeling, ykno? That typa tension, when youre still riled with emotion. And it transitioned over to a more uplifting feeling like yeah, it might not be with us anymore but its probably gone to a better place. It sounds like a person slowly letting go of their saddness, and even though there was some rocky parts (not just from the bois playing OOP-) they still accepted that its not there anymore and learned to live wih that saddness. Ykno? (Or I'm overthinking this too much because of too much angst fics and depression things. Personal life bABEY. IT COMPLI.)

Undicht by Jiro Yoshioka, 20 yrs old. Omg, i LOVE this. The first violin part on its own sounds like some kinda James Bond spy theme. BUT THEN THE PIZZ- OMG its sounds like sUCH a whimsical spy theme oH MY GOD AHAHAHA (i mean it kinda morphs into a more chill and serious part after that but like cMON. THE WHIMSY. I KENT-) And aCHK Eddy's lil hip shake i cANNOT. THIS IS JUST SUCH A FUN PIECE TO LISTEN TO AHAH

[larksinging]

What was your first impression of each sh game you've played, and how do you think they've changed over time?

im gonna do them in chronological order, because i cant for the life of me remember the exact order i was exposed to them

SH1 - i think at first i knew it basically as “idk, the janky original one, sh3 is a sequel?”. i assumed it was pretty meh and weak. and then at one point i really learned to love it! i actually love a lot of the thematic stuff, and there was a lot of interesting horror stuff going on. it has a sort of... comfy feeling. i dont think id chose it to replay before some of the others, but still a good game

SH2 - i came in knowing it was a great game, from.... pat saying so, i think? and just word of mouth i knew all the twists and stuff so that stuff didn’t surprise me. when i first experienced it i did think it was really great! i think that was the game where i was like “okay yeah, silent hill is really something special”. then i went through a period where... i did an academic project for it, and while im still proud of that, like. the pressure from it made me struggle to enjoy it again. and then after some time and enjoying the others i learned to appreciate it again. if i picked up one to replay tomorrow it’d probably be this one. i still think its one of the best games ever made.

SH3  - i don’t even remember my first impression? or when i first experienced it? i just remember it... Being. i think there was a heather rper who was popular in some pokemon panfandom rp i was in once? i dont remember. my initial thought was “pretty cool!” and then “oh this is really good” and then “oh this is great!”. at some point i think it was my favorite game, just because some of the thematics resonated with me a little more personally than sh2. as time goes on im like... still surprised how good of a game it was for how bad it COULD have been, and i wouldnt call it my favorite anymore, but its still up there. id happily replay it. 

SH4 - i think when i first heard about it i was slightly intrigued. it sounded cool! ive always liked serial killer stories. i actually think i REALLY wanted to like it, the way i sometimes do when i see nuggets of greatness inside bad things. and then i actually started watching lps of it and hearing people play it and. boy. im glad ive never played it myself, lets just say. i dont actively hate it as much as i did, because im not engaging with it as much, but booooy. still not a good game. someone make a spiritual successor that takes the few good concepts and rip away the other 75% please

origins - at first, “meh”. then “why does this exist wtf”. then “oh, this is alright”. then “oh this has a few nice moments and interesting ideas, but weird execution”. now “eh.... could be worse”. i think if itd been a sh2-style game just about travis it might’ve been better.... but then again, some of the stuff with travis is why its so bad

homecoming - “oh this is terrible” to “oh this is COMICALLY terrible”. homecoming is a bad game, a bad story. in some ways its the worse game because its so broken and unplayable. the music is still sick though! 

shattered memories  - i think this was like the second or the third SH i was exposed to, so i was like “well this is pretty neat! spooky! unnerving!” and generally thought well of it. but when i got more into silent hill, my impression of it only improved. i thought it was a great way to mix up the formula. i think it has a very sh2 approach to what is really sh1/3 material, but the fact it was nods to the earlier one makes it clever. it has a few slow and awkward spots and flaws, but... i think it kinda predicted some modern horror game design, lol 

downpour - i used to think it was awful, just the Worst. but as time passed ive really grown on it! i think its a good game that was hampered by a small studio, not enough time, and not enough support from konami. there are some really genuine character moments buried under... just some amateur-ish weird writing choices. the larger town is actually pretty neat? the environments feel different, but they feel like with more work and more games in that style they could’ve redefined sh in the modern era. i think it has a SH2 heart to it that just needed... more polish to it. it was a real diamond in the rough that just needed some extra something that konami denied it by shoving it to another studio. im a downpour defender, i think its judged pretty harshly. 

book of memories - i know nothing about book of memories and i refuse to learn. 

PT - “holy fuck this is so scary! im really unnerved” to “near.... far.... wherever you are... i believe that the heart does... go on”. on the bright side, i think it highly influenced RE7, which was a great horror game. so not all was lost. 

[pinned-moth]

having memory problems! sucks! i hate it!! gonna do my full post under a read more because i talk. way too much its the adhd but i just need to yell about this somewhere!

like GENUINELY it sucks so much? adhd comes with memory issues and trauma causes memory issues and all that and dissociation? also causes memory issues! so I’m just fucked! I can’t keep a schedule because i literally cannot remember! i’m months behind on schoolwork because i just. lose time constantly and never know what day it really is or what that means because of that + time blindness! and I’m only getting help for the adhd literally nothing else has been diagnosed or even Tested For which sucks too!

like i want to do good in school! i really do! i like learning things and i love to do science but i literally just. cant remember ANYTHING. the words just slide right off my brain and nothing sticks! numbers are even worse! i cant remember formulas to save my life and even the stuff i ENJOY is hard because i just cant remember anything! and thats just issues for the present!!

trying to remember the past is worse! its just like. not there really! and what i do remember i dont trust at all! it feels like it happened literally like a minute ago when i think about it but i bring stuff up and get told thats not how it happened and idk what to think! like! i remember the old apartment having an ant infested bathroom and it being REALLY bad but when i mention that my parents say it was like. a few ants. which whatever that doesnt change that my brain decided that ants are a trigger (dont even care about saying this bc its REALLY specific and like. seeing a picture of ants online wont mess with me at all) but MAN.

it just sucks not knowing what thoughts of mine i can trust i guess! literally just wanna like. know why it sucks so much! but thats why i hate standardized testing like for school! my memory just doesnt work like that! but my current school literally doesnt even offer accommodations like. wtf. at least its online so i can still cheat on things. i dont even feel bad because otherwise i just wont. know anything. but it sucks seeing my politics teacher going “it seems like you didnt study :/ this shows poor grasp of material” like okay one i hate this class two i didnt study and i struggle to process information three you gave me a zero on a whole assignment for typing one wrong word (i accidentally typed reputation instead of representation somehow??? literally dont even know how that one happened lol).

like i can remember some stuff yeah but a lot of it just doesnt stick and its like. grrr. why cant my brain just Work why is this so HARD. i cant even read anymore its like everything just bounces off of my brain i hate this

[emperor-lover]

hi. loved your minhyun college!au. can i request for tutor!minhyun whom your mother hired since you're struggling with a certain subject. something like tutor to lover. thank you btw! ♡

hi anon, thank you so much for being the first request i’ve gotten and i’m glad you enjoyed the college!au, it really means a lot to me!

Hwang Minhyun Tutor!AU

it’s your final year of high school and you really want to get into a good university but one of your subjects in particular is dragging you down

it’s chemistry btw (i hate chem lol)

because your teacher sucks and does not help at all 

so you’re complaining to your mum about it and she’s like “I’ll get you a tutor”

and you absolutely refuse, you’d rather try learn it all by yourself than get a tutor

because one of your friends had a tutor for maths and apparently she was super intimidating and the sessions were overpriced af

but nothing stops your mother once she’s decided on something

a couple of weeks later you’re coming home from school

and your mum is sitting in the kitchen with a young man

you don’t think too much of it, like you just assume it’s one of your brother’s friends or someone 

but you don’t want to be rude so you just nod your head and give them a smile

the guy doesn’t exactly return the smile, but they still give you a nod back

it’s a bit awkward and you don’t want to continue the awkward eye contact 

because his gaze is so cold and piercing, you’re a bit flustered

it’s a Friday afternoon, you’re exhausted and you can’t wait to just relax and enjoy the weekend

so you quickly grab an apple from the kitchen bench, and turn to head back to your room, but your mum is like “where are you rushing off to y/n?”

and you turn round with your mouth full of apple like ???

“this is your chem tutor, Minhyun. Minhyun, this is my daughter, y/n, I hope she pulls her act together for you and….”

your eyes widen because you were not prepared for this at all

you were not expecting someone….as visually stunning as Minhyun

which you then are ashamed of yourself for thinking because hey, tutors can be hot too, you cant just dismiss them like that 

but Minhyun is like god level, your ideal type visuals so you’re just a tad stunned

you’re caught up in your own thoughts because you hear your mother sigh loudly before telling Minhyun that you have a tendency to zone out mid conversation

and Minhyun laughs

and his laugh is sO BEAUTIFUL

it’s such a genuine, happy laugh, which is a contrast to the cold first impression you got when you had the stare down less than a minute prior

but, back to business, you start your first chemistry tutorial with him 

and you realise that wow, without a tutor you probably would’ve failed

Minhyun is really clear and concise, and you’re a bit embarrassed by how little you know

But he’s super understanding

“chem is hard y/n, don’t worry I struggled at first when I did it last year”

he says as he blinks 10x a second

you note down somewhere in the back of your head that he’s only a year older than you lol it’s useful info to have you know, who even needs chemistry

“how did you get so good at it then?”

“uhhhm, I listened to my tutor?”

“don’t lie, you’ve always been good at chem, haven’t you?”

he looks away in embarrassment and nods

the first tutorial goes smoothly, he refreshes your memory on the basics 

your mother brings the two of you some fruit and snacks to eat while you study

and you notice that Minhyun’s a really polite and nice guy

like after the two of you had finished eating he had gotten up and was going to go wash the dishes you’d used

“Minhyun it’s fine really, I’ll wash them later, just leave them”

but he insisted on washing them, and there was no stopping him

The next few tutorials went well and you feel like you’re slowly starting to get the hang of chemistry

and you’re also getting more comfortable around Minhyun and vice versa

conversations aren’t awkward anymore and you find out a bit about him

He’s in his first year of uni and studying health sciences, which surprises you because you wonder how he has time to be a tutor and study

Minhyun just shrugs it off, but from then on you notice whenever his dark circles are clearer than usual

or when he asks you if it’s okay for him to eat his food he brought with him because he didn’t have time to during lunch

but he never complains about being tired at all unlike you lol

and over time Minhyun practically becomes your confidante, and you tell him a lot of your concerns about school and your future etc

he gives you really good advice, and always listens to every word you say and takes it all in like a sponge

So usually you have your tutorial sessions in the dining room

But one day your mum had guests over so she ushered the two of you into your room

you only have one chair in your room though so before that you had to go into your younger brother’s room to get a chair for Minhyun to sit on

His room lowkey stresses you out though because it’s as if a wild animal has torn through the room with dirty clothes and books strewn everywheRE

Minhyun follows behind you, and when he sees your brother’s room you swear his eyebrow started twitching

“uh, yeah sorry, please ignore my brother’s mess of a room, it’s actually disgraceful”

Minhyun looks at you in concern

“Please tell me your room isn’t like this too.”

you have never been more thankful to yourself because you like to keep your room clean and organised.

when you two sit down in your room, Minhyun breathes out a very audible sigh of relief

and you can’t help but laugh at how adorable he is

Minhyun doesn’t know why your laughing at him but he does know that he really likes your laugh

your brother comes home a little while later and he barges into your room demanding where his chair is

and he sees Minhyun and proceeds to freak the f uck out

“HYUNG!!!”

Minhyun’s eyes widen and he looks back and forth between you and your brother like a deer caught in headlights

“oh my god y/n, your little brother is Yoo Seonho????

that’s when you realise that this Hwang Minhyun, your chem tutor, is the same “Minhyunnie Hyung” that your little brother idolises so much

From then on Seonho tries to crash your tutorial sessions much to your dismay, so your mother decides to permanently move the tutorial sessions to your room

You apologise so much to Minhyun

“if you’re uncomfortable we can meet in the library instead?” 

“Seriously y/n i’m fine! If you want to move to the library, we can, but it’s probably more convenient for both of us to just continue having them at your house”

He’ll usually make sure that you’re listening to his help and that you’re studying for the two hour sessions you have

But sometimes he comes over a bit earlier or stays a bit later and the two of you have good chats and eat snacks and drink tea because you both dislike coffee

sometimes you feel bad for rambling on about your worries to him because he must have worries too and you dont want to dump it all on him

so you decided that the next tutorial you wouldn’t talk as much and just focus on chemistry

and as you’re finishing up for that day, you start clearing up your books but Minhyun looks at you in concern

“are you alright y/n? you haven’t said much today”

tbh you’re surprised he even noticed 

“I just thought that you’re probably sick of hearing about my life every week..”

“I like listening to you talk about anything though”

His ears go as pink as your blushing face, and you both shy away

Around university exam time Minhyun had to take a break as your tutor in order to focus on his studies

but he felt really bad so he made you a little care package and he came round in the weekend to personally deliver it to you 

and it had all his chemistry notes and your favourite snacks and chocolates

he had even put a little fox plushie in because he said it resembles him

and when he gave it to you, you were so touched

the funny thing is that you had made him a similar care package too (minus the chem notes lol), to cheer him on for his exams

and the two of you were a blushing mess when you gave them to each other

like it’s become so obvious that the two of you like each other

Minhyun gives you a quick hug before he turns to leave and is about to get in his car

but he has second thoughts and turns around

“um, y/n…after my exams, do you want to go on a date with me? 

After his exams (which went well ofc), you start dating, and you go on little dates here and there

the two of you try to keep it a secret from your mum and Seonho

but one day your mother asks if Minhyun wants to stay for dinner to thank him for being such a good tutor and boyfriend to you

the two of you were originally going to go watch a movie that night but because you were now stuck at home to eat dinner you didn’t see a reason why minhyun shouldn’t join your family

lol regrets

because minhyun can’t lie for shit remember (you’re not that much better either)

he’s so suspicious at dinner and keeps blinking constantly your mother can see right through the two of you

and then she dead ass asks “so how’s the dating going?”

and minhyun replies “it’s good!” before realising that she said dating not tutoring and he’s like asdfghjkl shit.

Seonho is horrified but your mum loves it, she thinks Minhyun is perfect boyfriend material and was hoping something might happen between the two of you wow matchmaker mother in the house

However, Minhyun still insists on being the absolute professional when he tutors you

but he’ll schooch his chair closer to yours

or feed you fruit when you’re busy writing stuff down

and sometimes he’ll hold your hand under the table

or sneak in a kiss here and there

he also cleaned Seonho’s room “it’ll be good bonding time!”

and one time he fell asleep on your bed after a long day at uni and you didn’t have the heart to wake him up because he had been so tired and he looked like such an angel and you realised then that you really really love him so much because how can someone be so perfect 

you end up falling asleep at your desk but when you wake up the next morning you’re all warm and snuggled up in his arms in your bed and he kisses your forehead and gives you the sweetest eye smile that you feel like melting and you can’t help thinking at that exact moment that you’re the luckiest person in the world

[dontjudgememp3]

i can't find all these emojis on my phone so...ALL EMOJIS LET'S GO DO ALL THE EMOJIS

oh lordt okay [lady gaga voice] here we go! (the rest of my answers are after the jump, woo!)

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone? - i cant think of anything? i’m incapable of keeping shit to myself hashtag queen of venting

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be? - well i wish i had a dog so i could hug them 

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why? - squirtle because i identify strongly with those pictures of squirtle in sunglasses. also all of the hoenn region starts (torchic, mudkip and treecko) because they are beautiful brilliant angels and i love them

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like? - well, first of all it would be legal to eat the rich so jot that down

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had? - last night i had a dream that i went grocery shopping with zoe kravitz does that count

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend? - i like that my best friend (@gryffinddor) doesnt judge me for my bad decisions and that she supported me even when i used to caption everything with ‘me gusta’ and ‘THIS^^’ (on the real shes just an all round brilliant and beautiful person aw)

😘 talk about your crush or partner - well i dont have a crush or a partner so, next!

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back? - you may be petty punk but being honest...im just as petty and would definitely be rude back

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!) - oh jeez okay I like my eyes, I enjoy my own sense of humor and I enjoy being tall as heck

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it? - i’m really scared of octop*s tbh and i guess i’ll try and overcome it by watching The Handmaiden a bunch

🎁 what never fails to make you happy? - bipharah.tumblr.com/tagged/rainy-days i stock it with good, joyful content 

💙 what annoys you about some people? - ignorance and being judgemental.

😤 do you get angry easily? - not really? I get frustrated but not outright angry

🐇 what do you always daydream about? - living my best Gay life

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change? - the ignorance, the judgement and the general lack of compassion

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry? - ya didnt send me any names ya goof!

✈️ what is your dream city and why? - idk about dream cities but I really really want to go back to Paris. I love it there and wanna experience it as an adult

☕️ talk about your ideal day - i get to stay in bed and watch a bunch of netflix. my imaginary gf is real and next to me and there is a dog snoozin on ur feet

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert? - OH big introvert

💧 when was the last time you cried? - idk about a full blub but i genuinely teared up yesterday looking at the photos of yr dogs

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment - There’s Nothing Holding Me Back by Shawn Mendes, Down by Fifth Harmony, Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood, Winter by Pvris and Bad 4 Us by Superfruit

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why? - i’d be able to teleport. I just wanna visit all of my friends all of the time. like, I just want that to be easy

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say? - no one cares that yr a wuhluhwuh ya big gaymo, dont worry about it

💚 who are you jealous of and why? - i’m jealous of people living fulfilling lives with loved ones and partners and careless attitudes. god i wish that were me.jpg

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why? - bravery. i’m not an idiot, i don’t think i’m totally hideous, i’m not an asshole and i’m not struggling financially either. just wish i had a bit more courage to get shit done.

🙊 what are you ashamed of? - i’m ashamed of my lack of courage lmao. everything would be grand if i would just take more leaps and didn’t worry so often. it’s embarrassing 

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn? - I studied German for a bit so I know some of that but I’d like to be fluent. I also want to finish learning Korea and start learning Mandarin and Spanish

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be? - i wanna be friends to lovers trope with fareeha amari please and thank you

☁️ talk about your dream universe. - whomst on earth has a dream universe, goodness gracious

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today? - the day is nearly done but tomorrow i’m going to say some affirmations to myself. self-care is kindness am i right

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why? - i would turn into an elephant. they live in a matriarchy and thats #goals

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike - the tories can eat shit. they were the first people that came to mind, so!

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately - what doesnt make me anxious these days hahahahaahah, fuck.

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now? - i wanted to be a writer. now that i’m a writer i want to be a better paid writer

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods? - in this house we appreciate DOUGHNUTS

🍑 what are you obsessed with? - my current obsession is ovw. but i’ve been obsessed since launch so that ain’t new!

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed? - one time i was so stressed that i started losing my hair so uh, that.

😪 what are you sick of? - me, self-sabotaging my own dam self!

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker? - oh heck no

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have? - that wynonna earp is a good show, actually

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person? - yes, i think so.

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies? - does spending an exorbitant amount of time on tumblr count as a hobby 

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself? - There’s Nothing Holding Me Back by Shawn Mendes bc I couldn’t remember what it was called

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it? - I’m not always so open about my thoughts, feelings and fears. I guess I’m improving it by just being more straightforward?

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored? - i can’t draw for shit my dude, so I don’t doodle

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams? - it’s the anxiety

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you? - intj. I have no idea if it suits me tbqh

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite! - okay well i can’t do this one

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why? - normani kordei x 1000. because i love and appreciate her and she’s just good people

🐴 opinion on __? - can’t do this one either!

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person? - me, whomst cries at dogs? being emotional? its more likely than you think!

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them. - honestly i’m too lazy to go and find three books i’m sorry

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help? - focus too much on work/use my rainy days tag. and it works sometimes!

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad? - i remind myself that being sad is unproductive and try and shut that shit down

🌍 which country do you live in? - england

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words - tall, gay loser

🐵 which quotes changed you? - no quotes have changed me oops

💭 do you keep a diary? - no i do not

💫 who inspires you? - my mother

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why? - i refuse to answer this question because i don’t wanna get haunted

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like? - smart, preppy and includes a lot of blue

🎬 what are some of your favourite films? - Carol, The Handmaiden, Up, Imagine Me and You and White Chicks

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory? - playing mario party 8 on a gamecube with my cousins i miss when we all had time for that

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why? - i would meet normani and say thx for following me on twitter bbs

[bucketofkay]

Music Asks

Requested by @theshippingdocks

~playlist~

1.  a song from the year you were born

ugh i hate this prompt there are like no genuinely good songs from 2000

All The Small Things - Blink 182

(i looked up the top 100 songs of the year and the only two songs id heard of and didnt hate were this and bye bye bye)

2.  a song that reminds you of school

Proud - Heather Small

bc its used in every motivational assembly and end of year video

3.  a song tied to a specific moment in your life

Guren no Yumiya - Linked Horizon

we do not speak of these dark times

4.  a song that is not sung in your native language

Von - Yoko Kanno ft Arnor Dan

icelandic! a language i dont think ive ever used for a music asks playlist (in fact this whole list is turning out really different to usual. ill see if i can keep that up.......)

5.  a song over 5 minutes long

most of the music i listen to is over 5 minutes......

I left you ~ Not sure if I did - Reimi Horikawa

its one of those really slow but beautiful OSTs that i just love

6.  a song under 2 minutes long

Bim Bim Bim - Jay Foreman

there was no limit on what the song was.....

(but its gr8)

7.  an instrumental

oh no.... what will i do...... how do i possibly find an instrumental track i enjoy.....

Stories Not Forgotten - Windsor Airlift

8.  a classical piece

Fur Elise - Beethoven

i just kinda like it?? idk im not rly into classical

i prefer modern orchestral stuff

9.  a song with no percussion

Inevitabalis - Yuki Kajiura

i LOVE pure piano songs

theyre so emotional

10.  something you’ve heard performed live

Time is Running Out - Muse

(this song is my most vivid memory from a concert)

11.  something you’d give ANYTHING to hear performed live

Nothing Without You - Emma Blackery

(im sorry ill try and make this the last predictable answer, but no guarantees)

12.  a song by an artist who’s from where you’re from (town/city/state/country)

Together in Electric Dreams - The Human League

god its been so long since ive listened to this song

(the human league are from south yorkshire)

13.  a song made suddenly precious because of a special someone

Saviour of the Waking World - Toby Fox

(anything hs really)

14.  a song made suddenly awful because of a special someone

there isnt one, so:

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ shrug midi art - CrystalVisionOKC

15.  something to BELT SHAMELESSLY/do DIVA HANDS to

this obviously screams musical, so:

Gone to Oregon - The Trail to Oregon

16.  something to SCREAM ALONG to

Mr Brightside - The Killers

obvs

17.  a song for raging

Don’t Stop - Black Lagoon

(like the whole ost tbh)

18.  a song that demands lipsyncing into a makeshift microphone

We Built This City - Starship

it was suggested on electric dreams, and its perfect for this one

19.  the last song you had stuck in your head

why is this even a question?? the only songs in my head now are songs from this list

Duder’s a Spy - Brian Holden and Michelle Chamuel

is the last i remember

20.  a song you’re dying to master all the words to

another predictable one, but

Bravely You - Lia

i still cant get the fast bit quite right

21.  a song that you could SLAY at karaoke

hey, an excuse to put another instrumental song in

Rely on Thermal Winds - Seas of Years

(im not gonna be slaying anything at karaoke any time soon)

22.  a song you can’t help but dance to

Hold my Hand - Jess Glynne

the problem with learning dances to songs is that you lowkey never forget them

23.  a song that makes you want to dance on a table

Defying Gravity - Wicked

i struggled w a non-predictable answer for this one, but just bc it needs to be performed dramatically from a height

24.  a song that makes you wanna STRIP

Naked in a Lake - The Trail to Oregon

p self explanatory

25.  a song with a great music video

ive said this before, but im not a music video person, so the next two are def gonna be predictable

Perfect - Emma Blackery

26.  a song that makes you act out the music video when you hear it

uh, none

but the closest id say is 

Lonely People - Orla Gartland

bc it just kinda makes me wanna go out and do something awesome

27.  a song with counting

5 6 7 8 - Steps

i couldnt think of anything better, im sorry

28.  a song with spelling

Revolting Children - Matilda

29.  a song with lots of clapping

Faces Going Places - Dodie Clark and Lucy Moon

this is the only thing i could think of

30.  a song 40 years older than you

back to googling to find a song i dont hate.....

Beyond The Sea - Bobby Darin

31.  a song you wish your parents didn’t know the words to

All About the Bass - Meghan Trainor

(im sorry) my mum WONT STOP SINGING IT

32.  a song whose lyrics shocked you once you were old enough to understand them

The Circle of Life - The Lion King

bc of how fuckin simple the lyrics actually are when you translate them

33.  a song you have ZERO patience for

Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke

no. just no.

34.  a song you’d like your favorite artist to cover

taking my favourite artist as emma blackery (rather than ZHIEND, as i like them for their original music)

and sorry for predictability again:

Not Over You - Tessa Violet

35.  a great song you discovered thanks to a movie

Someday - Steve Earle

(i dont like the original but the bridge to terabithia version is p good)

36. a great song you discovered thanks to television 

First Things First - Neon Trees

37.  a song you’re ashamed to have in your music library

Dead Gorgeous Opening Theme

not really tbh, but i have to save something for 38 (why???)

38.  ok what’s the song you were too ashamed to even post for #37

Mickey Mouse Club March

bc i have a disney compilation cd, and for some reason they decided to put this on instead of any songs from the lion king 2

39.   the most played song in your music library

i have no idea overall, but on my phone probably

Clouded Sky - ZHIEND

especially since its my alarm......

40.  favorite disney song

They Live in You - The Lion King

and thats it done!

i hope this is different enough to every other music ask game i do

~playlist~

[me-importa-mother-blog]

it FINALLY fucking happened

i have a migraine and awful cramps from this stupid IUD rn but i have to get this out. i have to capture the authenticity of my feelings right now. it finally happened. i could cry happy tears because of how incredible and great i feel in this moment. brendon and darian are back together. i saw a pics of them on instagram w captions about how much they love each other and wanna know what i felt when i saw those pictures? fucking NOTHING. I FINALLY FEEL NOTHING. ok, i feel sad for them but thats honestly truly the only emotion that came up for me. i no longer feel the intense nausea, feeling like i am getting stabbed in the pit on my stomach, rush of emotions pouring over my entire body, ringing in my ears, dissosiation that i felt the first time i heard the words from his lips “i have a girlfriend now”. that feeling that didn’t seem to go away for MONTHS. that feeling that would resurface every time i looked at their social media and saw how fucking happy and perfect they were. it was fucking disgusting. i can finally say i don’t feel those feelings anymore and u know what that means? 

i means i have healed. it means i have moved on. it means I have successfully mended the broken pieces of my heart that he left me with. i did that. with the help of some loving and supportive friends, yes. but it was me. i’m the one that chose to live all those times i wanted to die, and i chose to pretend to be happy to the point that my bones hurt to their core because i was faking it so hard. i chose to move back home to something familiar and stable so i could feel safe, so i could get away from the torment of his memory, from the fear of running into her, or him, or worse the both of them together. 

at one point i felt that i gave everything i had built so hard for the past two years away. my life in california was ruined because of him. the reason i went out there in the first place to get clean back in april of 2014 was because he told me to. my body was deteriorating faster than i could keep track of and i mentioned, maybe i should move back to cali and get clean, and you should too and we can be together. and he told me to go out there so i fucking did. hes the reason, the motivation i had to get clean. everything i did from that point forward was for him or because of him or for us. so WE could live together happily for fucking forever. 

originally we had a plan to go to rehab for a bit then run away together but at some point something switched in me. i think it was god working in my life honestly. but at some point i decided u know what i wanna give this thing a shot. i wanna see what its like to be clean and happy and all that these weird ppl in AA rave about. and then he went down there from fresno and he got clean and holy shit that was the most incredible summer of my life. i wish i had pictures but i deleted probably 98% of them. but i had so many good times w him, riding my bike to the beach while he rode his skateboard. holding hands, going to meetings together. i was so fucking proud to tell everyone he was my boyfriend. i was so goddamn fucking in love. 

and now i’m crying, but not because i want to be with him. no, never. i’m crying because the happiness i felt was so pure and genuine and incredible and indescribable. i wouldnt change it for anything. if i could go back and relive those moments we shared that summer but i would have to relive the heartbreak again then i would probably do it. but i wouldnt change anything. i would relieve the good and the bad but i would want the result to be the same as what it is in this moment. hes with her and i’m with myself on my ellies bed in my parents house with rocky and luna sleeping at my feet. i don’t want to be with him anymore but i don’t regret what we had because it was true love and it was passionate and intense and a type of love i will never feel again. because it was extremely toxic. as intense as the good moments were so were the bad. and it got reeeeaaally bad.

he told me i deserved to be molested when i was 5. he told me this while we were in line for the screamin eagle at disneyland, because i was paying more attention to my phone than to him. he was upset and we got in an argument and thats what he said to me. that a fucking five year old deserved to get some creepy mother fuckers fingers in her asshole. real cute huh? but i’m not a saint. at some point i told him i’m glad his dad left him and that he probably did because he hated him cuz hes useless and that his mom is a slut cuz she has 4 baby daddies. i said some horrible things too that i’m not proud of but in those moments i felt so justified. as the anger wore off tho i felt guilty for saying those things, and so would he. so we would always make up. and thiings would be really good again until the next fight and shit would hit the fan. and then we started calling the cops on each other. he was never physically abusive to me, except one time he pinned me down like a pretzel cuz i was beating the living shit out of him. the position he had me in hurt a lot but he was protecting himself cuz i had lost it. i dont remember what that particular fight was about. the weather maybe? idk dude we would fight over the DUMBEST shit. 

i remember thinking and telling him, “if you act like a bitch u get treated like one”. which means youre a fucking dick to me so i’m a dick right back mother fucker. i ran him over w my car once. he smashed my phone to pieces cuz i searched a guy on facebook. he would go through my phone and find texts from months ago where i said a guy was hot and he would flip out call me a whore tell me nobody is ever gonna love me, and go spread my legs somewhere. he would accuse me of fucking literally EVERYONE. if i was off work 5 minutes late its because i was fucking my manager in the back. if i wasnt texting him back while i was w jenny or kolby its cuz i was fucking them. oh he hated all my friends also. and had no friends of his own. i was his whole world which really bugged me at the time but i lowkey miss that now. i miss feeling that important and special and loved. and i miss having that much power over someone, i’ll admit it. 

but despite all this bad shit there were good times, and they were really fucking good. specifically its the feelings. i felt safe with him. like nothing could ever hurt me or touch me, besides him. but i was addicted to the chaos so i didn’t mind the verbal and emotional abuse and i dished it right back. although lets be real here according to my sponsor, therapist, mentor, friends, anyone w a brain. he was definately the sicker one out of the two of us. we were both so fucking sick but i was a wee bit healthier i would say. there were so many times we would ride around costa mesa on harbor blvd at midnight complaining about how much it sucked to not have a car, or money, or anything. we had NOTHING. he really had nothing when he got there besides like 3 shirts and old pair of vans 2 sizes too small and shorts. i created him. everything he got from that point forward was from me. all of it. and there were weeks at a time where he had no money and he ate because i bought him food. not that he owes me anything or that he ever did, i did those things because i wanted to because i was in love and he was gonna be my life partner. everything i ever wanted i wanted with him or nobody else. anyway, we would be riding through the kmart parking lot on harbor and wilson, he would be coming w me to drop me off at fordham and we would complain about how much it fucking sucked but “one day we would look back on all of this and laugh.” because “one day were gonna make it” we said. we had so many hopes and dreams together. he was supposed to be my fucking husband. i was going to be the mother of all of his children. 

but you know what? it was all a fucking fantasy. a beautiful fantasy but a fantasy nonetheless. and after spending summer 2015 apart because he decided drugs were more important than me, we got back together in september and shit didnt get much better. it was a bit at times but mostly no. same shit. really intense good times. really intense bad times. passionate love, passionate hate. a couple days before new years 2015 going into 2016 we broke up for the last time. this is when he broke my phone cuz i searched jacob berry on fbook. after that i was done. i had been done thousands of times before but i was really done this time. we didn’t talk at all for like a week then i saw him on his birthday january 7th and we decided we were gonna get back together in august when he had a year sober. we werent gonna talk in the meantime but we were for sure getting back together. then one day i added a guy, kyle on facebook and he lost it. again with being called a slut and blah blah blah. and this time we were really done. like FORREAL. i was moving on everything was great blah blah. i dont think i actually thought i had lost him tho. it was gonna be like every other time where we will get back together again. so i wasnt really that sad. i think i was thriving off the anger i felt towards him. like are u seriously gonna be done w me over adding a dude???? how stupid. 

and then one day in late february my world came crashing down in the middle of the target electronics section. hannah texted or called me i cant remember but said she needed to tell me something. i demanded to know immedietally and she hesitated, i knew it was bad. she told me darian and brendon were talking. darian, my former client darian. darian, the girl who I TOLD STORIES ABOUT BRENDON TO WHEN SHE WAS STRUGGLING W HER EX IN HOPES THAT I COULD OFFER HER SOME EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE. i was vulnerable w her about him. i was trying to be helpful, i shared stuff w her i dont share w everyone but since her sitution at the time was similar to my realtionship w brendon i opened up to her. how fucking dare she. that fucking stupid bitch. how dare HE. knowing she was my client. i even had considered her a friend up until this point. i had considered moving in with her for christsakes wtf. and that the first time i felt that feeling. that awful awful feeling i no longer felt tonight. and then i felt it again a month later when he told me they were officially together. and again when i learned she met his family. (oh yeah thats another reason i think i stayed as long as i did because i adore his family. )

a bunch of other shit happened in between. him and i started talking again in march briefly when he basically cheated on her w me, then he came back in my life just this past december only to leave again like the coward that he is. but i’m grateful that happened because before i had always wondered what i had done to make him basically leave me for her, or so i felt. because he DID choose her over me. he chose to start a new relationship over mending the one that we had that was supposed to be forever. and i lost my shit. was literally destroyed shell of a human for months. extremely emotionally and mentally unstable. lost a bunch of friends cuz they couldnt handle me. got kicked out of school, lost a scholarship, almost lost a job, attempted suicide, went to the psych ward. it was really really rough for a long time. but today all of that has changed. i no longer feel that deeprooted sadness, devastation, horrid unbearable pain. today i have healed. i feel very sad for the both of them because i know how unstable their relationship is. cuz i was there. i was her. and i HATED her for a long time but i dont anymore because i feel bad she is in love w him and is gonna get hurt and heartbroken like i did. 

but i’m glad he came in my life again this past december because it cleared up a lot of unanswered thoughts i had. A. he still loves me and will always love me as i will him. B. he is thankful for me being in his life and will never forget me, and C. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. i fought w every fiber of my being for us to be together and hes the one that threw it all away. hes the one that walked away. i promised him from the moment i knew i was in love w him that as long as we both loved each other we could fix anything. but he wasnt willing to try anymore so at least i know i gave it my all and its his loss cuz he was too weak to try to work together to make things right. or maybe we just werent meant to be. or maybe both.

irregardless, my arm is so mother fucking cramped i can barley type. and i have so much more i could say, i could go on forever. but the point is that the horrid feelings i once felt are no longer there anymore and i am truly 100000% happy today when i once thought i was going to die without him. so i am proof that healing from the most excrusiating heartbreak is possible and its possible to be happier when u lose ppl u cant imagine losing, and when u get a new life that u didnt even want

[kosmicdream]

I was thinking about scissor the other day (fantastic reveal by the way) and then thought about the conversation paper and scissor were having most recently & I was wondering if you wouldn't mind talking about their dynamic little (if you wanted)??

Certainly! I mean. I’ll try to. as you can guess its gotten a bit more complicated as we have found out about Scissor. Here is a long assortment of my thoughts on the characters and their dynamics, i guess.

We already knew Scissor had violated Paper’s boundaries, (somewhat) forcefully manipulated her into working for him and also aggressively insulted/combated her morals.. phew.. but to add to that now, we find that Scissor is not actually a robot. He isn’t in the position he claims to be. It makes him that much more of a hypocrite, really. But, he is still defending the actual person’s rights he does genuinely care about, which is Cash.. who is unable to be in the position to call people out on their opinions on robots.. and who has completely agreed to let Scissor pretend to be her all in the quest to free herself and memories from the humans since Leadman has gone somewhat comatose.. So, in any case, there are many complicated layers of what is lies and what is truth. How does scissor use lies for his quest of truth, and how does the present established truth (such as, robots are not alive) hold back progress. All the while, some issues never go away. AKA, Transness is still disputed as being a legitimate thing, even in a world of shapeshifting monster people. Paper struggles to be seen as a specific binary gender where her species is often open to debate for not biologically adhering to established connotations of what is male and female. Hekaton species is.. pretty awful in terms of determining gender as being WHATEVER your eyes are. They also tend to judge the bodies, that they should reflect what they determine to be “the human equivalent” of what a male or female body should look like.. so. In this case, Knife is certainly a confusing case for not only being a Transman (what, why would anyone want to do that!!1 screams almost every hekaton YOU ARE FORFITTING YOUR SPECIAL CARD oh wait you cant even lay eggs? nvm) and then generally preferring to keep his boobs. And yeah, that was a difficult thing for Spoon to get around to understand at first, but once it clicked with him it was a very freeing experience-- not only for himself, but he was able to spread to others.. like Cash!This has gotten far away from the dynamic between Paper/Scissor but like....as u can see its difficult to determine who the fuck Scissor is, because.. he is Spoon, but he is -- Spoon avoiding being himself. He is embodying an idea or purpose of something else. Its the only way he can feel he can survive at this point by, sacrificing all his real feelings about his life and leaping into the skin and shoes of someone else he cares about, so he can do something good and helpful to them. That is how he finds he can keep going after this loss of his loved one. Cash doesn’t.. completely agree with these choices. But, It is what Scissor wants. And she did say she would do anything for him. And in this situation, she is getting a huge amount of help and support shes always desperately needed too, so, its a benefit for her as well. It still doesn’t make it the easiest thing to watch. It kind of seems like Scissor is progressively killing himself by destroying his hekaton self completely. He wants to believe he’s a robot instead. Who can turn off emotions, bottle memories and keep going as planned. In a way, that ‘perception’ of what it takes to be a robot kind of feels.. insulting. Like, you can be a cyborg and wear my skin and literally fight for my rights but you cannot actually become me, or understand what it is to be me. Of course, Spoon knows he’s doing this, He apologizes (profusely) well, tries to, he brings up how bad he is at apologizing, the memories flood back of his mistakes, he remembers the last words he got to say to knife, how he’ll never see him again, he starts to unravel, it all gets dark again. Cash.. lets it slide for the sake of her friend, Its far more important he live.. somewhat delusionally, somewhat insultingly, instead of not living at all. He is in so much pain, its wounds are fresh unlike hers. She knows that pain and she knows that she has her own.. imperfect coping mechanisms that she uses to bury her true feelings. Which are those again? She has to find them. Its not a perfect situation by any means. But they are surviving anyway. And with scissor the way he is, Cash is able to reflect on her own issues. She wants to be able to help her loved ones, but she realizes that to do that she also has to help herself. So she is finding the patience, the understanding and forgiveness of all these things when others can’t do that. She is unsure if she will ever have the answers she needs but she is going to pursue them as fearlessly as she can, for the sake of her loved ones.Anyway. Onto paper! FinallyScissor likes Paper. He thinks she’s fun and he likes how mean and nasty she can be. He likes that shes judgmental, its fun to play with people like that. He likes how she reacts to things in a violent way but also, obviously, has a big sentimental side that shes trying hard to conceal (But isn’t able to at all.) He is obviously preying on her because she’s in a vulnerable position and he knows it wont be long before someone else does. But, to gain the trust of a worm is a very good thing to have. He knows how loyal they are, that can be useful in situations. It also helps that paper is a little.. Tunnel visioned, like most hydragora worms tend to be. It makes it easy to sneak past their blind spots and confuse them. Scissor kind of does circles around Paper... Its rock he’s more worried about. Rock is a robotics expert........he might have already seen signs that Scissor might not be a Robot.Paper is fucking terrified of Scissor and wants to shoot him into outer space, but then thinks, oh god can robots survive in outer space? fuck me, they totally can. I fucking hate robots. What the fuck did i do to deserve this creepy green asshole fucking with my life. What do i have to do to get rid of him. Oh my god I hate this so much even if he might be my only chance to getting my poor sweet Helix out of prison. I fucking hate everything.So in the end, their relationship is basically, Scissor is manipulating Paper, but Paper is trying her best to figure out how she can manipulate him instead because she DOES want things from Scissor. However, she is too scared and doesnt have the right tools avaliable to do this successfully, so shes kind of cornered. She finds this exceptionally annoying because she hates being cornered. It is not in her nature to accept those sorts of things. She only reserves subservience to those she loves dearly (Like Crimson, rest in peace) not to asshole strangers that threaten and berate her. SHE CANT EVEN PUNCH HIS FACE N HAVE THE SATISFACTION OF SEEING HIM BLEED iTs so annoying. I am eating lunch and I forgot what else I wanted to write, I am too lazy to proofread so enjoy this collection of my thoughts. Goodbyemy after thought as im about to publish: “Talk about it a little they said. Why dont i ever talk about it a little. ITs always SO MUCH”

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What we learned from the Golden Globes: Meryl Streep always wins and Ryan Gosling never fails

The curtain has fallen on this years ceremony and heres our key takeaways, including the best anti-Trump speech, the wittiest mention of syphilis and what it all means for next months Oscars

Theres no stopping La La Land, the post-truth underdog

Right from the start, which saw Jimmy Fallons opening skit entirely devoted to a spoof of La La Land, it was obvious Damien Chazelles hymn to Hollywood had converted the 90-odd members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association men and women who had left their homelands to travel to La La Land and pen their own hymns to Hollywood.

But just how faithful the converts proved couldnt quite be predicted: the film took seven gongs over the evening (best song, best score, best director, best screenplay, best actor, best actress, best comedy or musical), beating the likes of One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest to make new record.

Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone with their awards. Photograph: Kevork Djansezian/NBC/(Credit too long, see caption)

So how did they do it? Especially when some of the awards (such as screenplay) were felt by some to be a bit optimistic? Well, that opening sequence was also significant, because it showed that La La Land is a lot easier to parody than, say, Moonlight (black gay man in Miami struggles with sexuality and addict mother) and Manchester by the Sea (gloomy janitor returns home after the death of his brother to grapple with previous family tragedy) and may end up with a lot more cultural currency, even significance, as a result.

That the Globes split their categories (drama and comedy or musical) naturally favours movies such as Chazelles, but, as Benjamin Lee pointed out in his liveblog, every La La acceptance speech also pushed the notion of the movie as an underdog a crazy mad idea and a wild punt for the studio to back.

But remember: this is a romance starring Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone, directed by a man whose most recent movie won three Oscars, and which like Argo and The Artist strokes that hand that feeds it. But, whatever works.

Unless its the actual underdog

La La Lands main rival, Barry Jenkinss Moonlight, went into the race with nearly the same number of nominations, and came away with just one win. But what a win: best drama. The fact it was robbed in the supporting actor category (where Mahershala Ali lost out to Aaron Taylor-Johnson) may even help its chances going forward for what we now have is a genuine underdog (albeit one thats so far picked up 120 awards) with a little outraged momentum behind it (thought #JusticeForMoonlight felt a bit of a trending punt). The last movie to take just best drama at the Globes? Best picture Oscar winner 12 Years a Slave

Congratulations can still come with a bouquet of barbed wire

Despite significant wins for actors of colour actors this year, there were slightly fewer than expected (see Ali), and efforts to forget the #OscarsSoWhite controversy were undermined by not one, but two, people (George Bushs daughter, Michael Keaton) conflating the names of the two big nominated movies featuring black actors. Fences are still visible; perhaps Figures still arent, quite.

Meryl 2020

Meryl Streep attacks Donald Trump in Golden Globes speech

Can a blonde white woman in her late 60s defeat Donald Trump? If anyone can, Meryl can. Her speech picking up the Cecil B DeMille lifetime achievement award was easily the runaway moment of the night: impassioned, funny, fearless and picking up perhaps the prize dreadful moment in the president-elects campaign: his mocking of a disabled reporter on the campaign trail.

It kind of broke my heart, and I saw it, and I still cant get it out of my head because it wasnt in a movie. It was real life. And this instinct to humiliate when its modelled by someone in the public platform by someone powerful, it filters down into everybodys life because it kind of gives permission for other people to do the same thing.

Disrespect invites disrespect. Violence incites violence. When the powerful use definition to bully others, we all lose.

Trump duly responded, not on Twitter, but by telling the New York Times he hadnt watched the show but was not surprised that the liberal movie people ridiculed him. Sad!

Hugh Laurie for VP

A shock choice for supporting actor in a drama series over favourite John Lithgow for that other great statesman, Churchill but Laurie made up for it with a pitch-perfect address, which preceded Streeps and lamented that this was likely the last Globes ceremony. Accepting the prize on behalf of psychopathic billionaires everywhere, Laurie said:

I dont mean to be gloomy, its just that it has the words Hollywood, Foreign and Press in the title. I just dont know I also think to some Republicans, even the word association is slightly sketchy.

Viola Davis for secretary of state

A controversial one this, not because she aced the supporting actress performance for which she won her prize, nor for her great speech, nor even her composed anti-Trump rant backstage:

Viola Davis makes powerful anti-Trump speech backstage at Golden Globes

But for allowing us all to get a glimpse of the real Streep, sharing a strange food-shaming incident in her introduction to the great woman.

Streep: Whatd you do last night, Viola?

Davis: Oh, I cooked an apple pie.

Streep: Did you use Pippin apples?

Davis: Pippin apples, What the hell is Pippin apples? I used Granny Smith apples.

Streep: Did you make your own crust?

Davis: No, I used store-bought crust. Thats what I did.

Streep: Then you didnt make an apple pie, Viola.

Davis: Well, thats because I spent all my time making collard greens! I make the best collard greens. I use smoked turkey, chicken stock and my special BBQ sauce.

Streep: Well, they dont taste right unless you use ham hocks. If you dont use ham hocks, it doesnt taste the same.

Accidents can happen, thank God

In what looked like one of the most locked-down ceremonies in years, a couple of bona fide surprises leapt out. The first with the HFPAs love for Paul Verhoevens hot-potato rape revenge comedy Elle a movie previously deemed too controversial for major acclaim. But it took not just best foreign language film (over the more politically safe Toni Erdmann) but also best actress for Isabelle Huppert: now a major Oscar contender, leaving both previous frontrunners (Natalie Portman and Emma Stone), fretting into their frocks.

The second shocker also showcased the Globess more offbeat taste: two big wins (best comedy series, best actor for Donald Glover) for Atlanta, about the citys rap scene. The Globes can be notoriously wacky this time round, in a good way.

We need to pin our hopes on the other Jimmy

Fallon had a lot to live up to. In part because Amy Poehler and Tina Fey set such a high benchmark for this gig a couple of years back; also because Fallon patsied to Trump on his chatshow a couple of months back. But despite a few early digs at the president-elect, he failed to deliver. Most glaring was his inability to competently wing it when the teleprompter broke. All such issues were highlighted by the brilliance of some of the presenters, in particular Kristen Wiig, who having stolen the showin 2013 with her Will Ferrell double act, repeated the trick this time with Steve Carell. Can fellow talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel top it at the Oscars next month? Probably.

Heartthrobs are called heartthrobs for a reason

Ryan Goslings best actor speech saw peak metrosexual pin-up this year: losing nominees Ryan Reynolds and Andrew Garfield shared a snog, while Gosling further confirmed his dreaminess at the podium. He ended his speech by paying tribute to his lady Eva Mendes for looking after their daughter and her brother (who had cancer, and to whose memory he dedicated the prize) while she was pregnant with their second child and he was off twinkling his toes on La La Land. So, sweetheart, thank you.

Tom Hiddleston, meanwhile, went full humanitarian, closing with a story about a recent trip to South Sudan with the UN Childrens Fund and dedicating his prize to aid workers everywhere. The weird cuts to Christian Slater and the kids from Stranger Things didnt help, but it was still stirring stuff.

The Brits are coming! But so is Netflix

Hiddleston won for The Night Manager, the Beebs big hit of the night gongs also for Laurie and Olivia Colman but the series-which-should-have-been-made-by-the-BBC-but-wasnt took best TV series (drama) and best actress (for Claire Foy). After the anti-climatic hoohah around Netflixs first big film production, Beasts of No Nation, the streaming service finally made good. Lucky, given The Crown still has five very expensive series still to fund and run.

Real actors are never off

Lithgow backstage with Claire Foy and Peter Morgan. Photograph: Mario Anzuoni/Reuters

Greatest ad-lib of the night? Probably John Lithgow, who channelled Churchill with aplomb in the press room. Being told his fly was undone, Lithgow quoted back the great cigar-chomper: Its not a problem. A dead bird never leaves its nest. The runners-up prize goes to Hugh Grant, wrongly leaked as the winner of best actor (comedy or musical), who describes the plot of Florence Foster Jenkins as, accurately enough, about a woman slowly dying of syphilis.

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