#like fuck my ENTIRE life CRIES
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fuckkk i just remembered how she says "i love you" before resetting everything again to continue this endless loop to still be together and stop the end the world 😭😭😭
#like fuck my ENTIRE life CRIES#like its so CRAZY like you get to talk to the REAL her inside of her god self to end w this decision#the entire thing just makes me wahhhh#the tagline of this psychological horror game was right. this IS a love story 😭#tape entry circa 1980#f/o:🌹every rose has its thorn🗡️
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i’m so sorry if i seem a bit off or post less in the next week or so — i just found out my beloved 17 years old soulmate cat got diagnosed with bone cancer and he doesn’t have much time left. he lives in my family home with my parents still whilst i’m abroad so it’s double tough because i can’t be with him. i just need some time to calm down and make my peace with everything
#vic.txt#i’m just so damn sad he’s my most beloved boy i got him when i was fucking 7#we grew up together i cried with him i laughed with him he’s been my companion my number one boy for my entire life#i know it’s silly like yeah it’s a cat not a human being but we formed such a strong bond#when i had c0vid last year he lied with me all day all night#i love him i love him i’m so fucking mad at the universe he does not deserve this fate#and he’s so old the treatment isn’t really an option#he’s fine now he isn’t in pain but as soon as his cancer progresses he will have to be put down so he doesn’t suffer for nothing#i just want to be with him when that happens i want him to know he’s not alone and that i love him very much#txt#tw: animal death#tw: animal sickness
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that was the most beautifully crafted and moving piece of media ive ever consumed in my entire life im ill and im sick with it oh my god im never going to be the same
#i have never cried harder watching anything in my entire life. im so sorry spies to betray you this way but OH MY FUCKING GOD#i say this wholey and genuinely this show actually means the entire world to me im never going to be able to stop thinking about it#cinderellas castle#cinderella's castle spoilers#cinderellas castle spoilers#spoilers#cc spoilers#cinderella's castle#mars says stuff#i dont really think this is spoilers but like?? just in case haha
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I hope the person who made this mod has both sides of their pillow cold tonight
#I feel like the video of that one girl 'that's the cutest fucking thing I've ever seen in my entire life *cries*'#yapping
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well🙂
#*visibly trying not to burst into tears* hey guys whats up#surprise surprise another absence bc my life can’t stop getting WORSE evry day it seems haha!#so. now who’s gonna tell me how u deal w the loss of ur fave person n the one person u were 100% certain truly loved u no matter what#who also inspired u to be an artist in the first place n who's been there for u ur ENTIRE life#like idk how to start dealing w it lmao. one min ill be basically okay n then the next ill feel like smthing just tore a chunk out of me#looked outside just a sec ago n thought “oh so she'll never see my progress in art. oh ill never get to make another painting for her”#n yk part of me just wants to pretend like none of it happened honestly#like “hey that was a fucked up dream oh well let me call [x] n tell them I love them”#n I dont fucking KNOW how to deal w this grief n idk whats normal n what isnt#no I havent cried rlly but almost every day I feel like I cant breathe n tht my chest is collapsing in on itself#no I cant talk abt it but i can’t draw like I used to n thinking abt my last art project makes me wanna throw up#< considering it was going to be a present for her tht she'll never get to see. Haha so funny right guys#fuck I need to get so entirely drunk over this now RELAPSING TIME BABY!!#anyways. will try to be normal tm n talk to ppl again instead of isolating as a way to cope n sorry to ppl who have msg'd me Ill be back
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wake up babe new crane wives song just dropped
#This song (the well) is going to be on loop for the next month of my life#It is going to take over my entire life#It is so Barbara (genshin) coded to me it's crazy#I have the beginnings of a fic in my Google docs#That is how powerful this song hit me#I also cried if that's anything#Song hit me like a fucking truck#the crane wives
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so I completely forgot how to draw, and write music
like, the tune is there, the idea is there, but it refuses to mold , it's not taking form at all, whatever I do with my hands, or try to relax it just does not EXIST and as a creative it's driving me fucking NUTS because I thrive on creating, it's the equivalent of air to me and not being able to do that is sending me into depression AGAIN
#does NOT help I have a painting due this monday#and what do my parents do?#drag me to a function that I literaly begged and cried for hours not to take me to but apparently I just HAD to for the sake of the family#I couldn't be left at home for 12 hours blah blah blah#I turn 18 soon mind you#and my thighs are SORE I cannot walk#they tell me “oh but you have tmr” YOU'RE DRAGGING ME TO CHURCH TMR NO WE DO NOT HAVE FUCKING TIME#and ONE thing that intrudes my already set schedule will ruin my mood for the entire day and worsen productivity#GOD i hate this#and it's killing me not being able to create#it's so integral to me to express myself because words just DON'T make sense and bring them to life as art is smth that's like breathing#dramatic#but#I said what ii said#vent#so sorry about the vent#I"m just so AAAAAAAAAA
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Imagining how 16 year old me would have reacted to not only the fact that I made it to 20, but also that I've become a wakes up at 7am on purpose and in bed by 12am latest person with a boyfriend I get to see every few weeks studying at my dream uni and honestly fucking thriving guys I'm so fucking happy this is amazing
#imma be real actually if you told even just me at the start of this year specifically the boyfriend part I would have been like.#respectfully. what the fuck happened#also the uni part i was so certain i wouldnt get in that i cried when i did i literally saw the offer and called the guy in literal tears#also its so weird actually talking to my grandma about a guy i met through playing minecraft like thats a crossover in life i never thought#could happen. the websmp has had such an impact on my life that im straight up moving to a different country after my degree. who could#have predicted this when i joined the server in 2022#ITS SO STRANGE!!! ITS SO WEIRD TO THINK ABOUT!!!#how did joining a goddamned minecraft smp drastically alter the entire course of my life!!!!#im going insane#its also late and i. am going the fuck to sleep
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Holy shit what a way to end pride month…
#just got back from the cavetown&mothermother concert in atlanta#it was incredible#i cried#when cavetown sang home to be exact#but yeah the whole thing was magical#and kindof an extra thing: i dont think ive ever been sureounded by that many other queer people in person in my entire life#that alone was something so special and felt like my way of celebrating pride even tho i couldnt actual go to pride#and the actual show itself… omygod#it was so much better than i even thought#this was my first concert ever btw#and holy fuck i never want to forget that#i never want to forget the show i never want to forget that feeling#i never want to forget that feeling
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#hhhhhh reread the flashback chapter i wrote w d/dirk and just hooh boy i love it so much ugh#im tempted to post it on its own but i want to save that bomb of a scene for the middle of the larger fic its in#just ughhhhhhh i love everything about how i wrote d#im going nuts bc i have been working on it since like december? ish? but the past couple months have been hell for me personally#fuck like i remember going thru an entire calendar of movie release dates for that historical year and found the perfect spot#to where it accounts for historical events and events in canon and has its own special date and how the release of the movie...#...effects how d managed to make it a success and just#fuck man i researched the hell out of that and only had to put one anachronism to grease a moment in it#like#this fic is so big for me and i am so scared that i wont finish it bc i have so many things planned out for it and so many ...#...annotations i keep adding to modify things i wrote earlier in it (which is why im not publishing any of it yet)#i want to share it w the world so fucking badly but i keep getting amazing ideas to weave in from an earlier point i already wrote#cries lol#ughhh this is why im so tempted to post the flashback as a standalone chapter/separate posting#but#i wrote it to match a scene from both the previous and next chapter so i dont wanna ruin that either#fucking writers block man ahhhh wish my life wasnt shit rn bc i need to finish it#tag edit: i used the wrong spelling of affects earlier lol#but yeah ughhhh so frustrated w life rn i have such bigger problems going on rn but#rereading my fave chapter kinda just made my day at least lmao#personal#vent#kinda i guess#delete later / /#maybe idk lol#ShitPost.exe#like this wip is over 33k words and its probably not even halfway done in terms of event points i want to happen in it lmao fml#all bc i wanted to make one punchline happen which happened a long time ago before i wanted to write all that backstory into the fic
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if i had a nickel for every time the best friend duo that was the cornerstone of an entire trilogy got split apart at the end of the 3rd movie, ruining the entire trilogy for me, i'd only have 2 nickels, but it's strange that it's happened twice
#BUT FOR REAL THO#the entire lord of the rings i kept thinking that sam and frodo were gonna get together#but i had to keep reminding myself that they're movies from the early 2000s based on books written in the 1930s (i think the 30s?)#so gay couples weren't an option#and then they just go their separate ways and i feel like the movie made it clear that they don't see each other again#and then httyd oH BOY#i understand why toothless had to leave i do#kinda#but the fact that the movie made it seem like “yeah it's sad but hiccup and astrid got married so it's not really THAT sad” is what got me#like ok got it lesson learned: all your friends will eventually leave you but it's ok cause you'll have a romantic partner for life#if you don't have a romantic partner for life well then i guess you're just fucked#it's this alloromantic Thing that society does where they treat romantic relationships as better than friendships and i HATE it#i cried for so long after i saw that movie#and the friend who i saw the movie with and who i was talking to about how sad i was#was like “i'm never gonna ditch you”#and then guess what you guys#she just stopped talking to me one day#hasn't spoken to me since#my post#ALSO I JUST FOUND OUT YOU CAN EDIT TAGS AFTER YOU HIT ENTER#SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO RETYPE THE WHOLE THING IF YOU NOTICE A SPELLING MISTAKE AFTER YOU HIT ENTER
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When you're tryna be reasonable about getting all rejections except for one place when a lot of your groups got more but wise mind feeling like a struggle rn
#venting#nah bro my top site rejected me and I straight boohoo cried#cuz it was the last one. over 15 rejections for a month#and then tryna hold yourself up and ppl trying to hold you up but also I'm lying if I said that doesn't hurt#this shit was traumatic fr#I got so much anxiety cuz I got an email that a friend asked me why I was breathing hard#didn't even notice it jumped like that#I got one chance#and either I get this place or I gotta do the process again#you get constant rejections and then have to put your dog down#and still have to go to work and teach and help and try to make time for yourself#and your life is still in the hands of people who feel nothing at the end of the day#cuz they're so far removed from you and your position#literally couldn't cry for a month until yesterday#my chest hurts with just how much this has been sitting on me#fuck bro and I still have to wait more time to even figure out what's next#bro I just want this to be over#how tf do you want stable psychologists when you're traumatizing them the entire time
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im beginning to think that i am mentally ill and the internet makes my mental illness Worse
#i dont often get personal on this blog but im going to be so honest idc anymore. no one has 2 read this if they dont wanna i promise#but anyway. if *ACCIDENTALLY* rbing a Bad post and deleting it within ~5 seconds of it happening AND blocking the op#is enough to send me into one of my downward spirals of NEEDING to check my notes and inbox#and opening and closing my blog to make sure its Actually deleted and im not just Imagining its deleted#in order to feel even slightly okay#only to immediately remember/realize that blog notifications on mobile not only send INSTANTLY upon a rb happening#but show every detail of the post and dont stack either#therefor sending me even FURTHER into my checking and sending me into a panic#because this means people possibly Wont Know It Was A Mistake and instead might think its a genuine opinion of mine#therefor making me panic MORE#if ALL OF THAT is just because this fucking website cant impliment a proper quick-rb button for desktop#and a mistake happened#then i dont think the internet is good for me at this point and i think i need to smash all of my devices#i already get a lot of those like... needing to do Something to make sure nothing bad happened/happens#like i get that a lot already from my irl life i do NOT need it to happen online too.#because like.. i dont know WHO saw that. so am i making a huge fuss out of nothing/a mistake everyone could have made?#yes! probably! but i cant really stop myself now that ive started so this is going to Legit Haunt Me which is Not Normal!#whatever mannnnn#got so upset over this i cried and then circled back around to just Mildly stressed to apathetic entirely within the span of 4 minutes#still checking my notifs/inbox every two seconds but at this point ive accepted Someones probably gotten a notif and well. nothing i can do#kitkat chitchat
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#been really struggling lately because idk I guess now that I’m in therapy#I’m thinking extra about all the things that have made me this specific fucked up#and it really just boils down to feeling unwanted#I wasn’t supposed to be born my grandma told my mom to abort me#I spent my entire childhood hearing my mom say that she’s not parent material but I insisted on being born#like putting the responsibility on me even tho it was her choice???#and then they idk just didn’t take care of me good#like I had to have my teeth taken out at 17 because they were literally rotting out of my head and like coming out in chunks into#my food while I was eating#and when I finally got to the emergency dentist I had to pay for it#and I’m broke but I don’t want this job I just started I’m so scared#but we need money#I just feel like I can’t do it anymore I just want someone to take care of me#I want my life to mean something to someone#I can’t type what she said somewhat recently because I alresdy cried about it yesterday#but idk I just feel like dog shit and I can’t reach out to any of my friends because they’re all busy rn#but it’s been really really bad lately I won’t lie I don’t feel like I can keep going anymore
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#apple babble 🍎#non fandom#i need life to give me a fucking break fr like?????#almost immediately after i finally crawled out of a major depressive episode#infected fucking dog bite from some asshole’s unleashed dog#major tooth abscess that literally has my entire left side of my face and head and neck throbbing with pain#can’t afford to get the damn thing pulled until a few more days#so my body is fighting 2 major infections rn and my heart rate is at a constant 100-115#can’t think straight can’t focus on anything#couldn’t walk priya today bc of how shitty i feel#had an EXTREMELY stressful anxiety ridden day with my client today which didn’t help anything#my work days have been so fucking long that i don’t have time to take care of my medical stuff before everything closes#i had to race to get my antibiotics WHILE i was working bc i knew i wouldn’t get there in time after work#bc my fucking client kept adding shit for me to do last minute#then was like ‘oh btw you only have an hour to make these 10 fucking stops bc my appt is soon’#give me a fucking break liKE COME THE FUCK ON#IM SO MAD AND ANNOYED#i didn’t even walk the dogs this morning#i just too them to a secluded place off the trail and fucking cried for an hour#i really hate things rn like i really hate how difficult and fucking expensive it is to stay alive#i fucking HATE IT#delete later#i guess idfk whatever
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Girl are you okay? Cause you've been looking through the "My lesbian experience with loneliness" tag again
Well the short answer is no :D
#the long answer is I saw one post of someone going 'well now that I'm 28 too maybe I'll try doing the same thing the protag does here''#and nearly cried because 28 is such a ridiculously long time away except not really except it's SO#fucking long and so close to what I was gaslit into believing I would ever have that I'd be lucky to make it to my thirties for no reason#and I never wanted anything different and just wanted to live and had panic attacks when reading but I'd still believe it was inevitable#and now I am suddenly having to come to terms with so much I want from life that I had resigned myself to never having because I couldn't#but how am I meant to do that? it's just hanging over my head now and it feels so stupid and I feel so out of place everywhere#it feels like I'm too bad at being a person to be loved and too angry to even admit I want to be#and too regretful to seek it because I'm scared of trampling over people's boundaries like people have done to me#and like I did too before I grew up and thought my way through having some empathy#why do only boys show any interest in me.... why is every friend I make entirely outside the range of people who could possibly reciprocate#why is it so easy for me to brush crushes aside aren't people supposed to suffer for this stuff#does that prove it's not a romantic crush and it's just that I want to be held and wanted#it feels so wrong to want this after fighting so much just to have fulfilling platonic relationships what's wrong with me#that I still want something else what more could I want this life is so ideal as far as 12 yo me is concerned#...when did my brain start viewing any and all kinds of want or ambition as doomed efforts for me?#I have such a headache all of a sudden#I think... the way I value self preservation has gotten all the way around into being harmful maybe#at least a little#everyone I know is nowhere near the amount of control freak as I am and they just go do things they want to do#have I seen them hurt over the consequences multiple times yes. but . I'm tired of hurting over absence#''did you know wishing you had more extreme and easily verifiable trauma is in itself proof of having undergone trauma'' well yeah but like#fuck why couldn't I be traumatized by anything else that wasn't literally the profession supposed to help you with all the trauma#delete later#like for real I want to delete it rn but I also don't
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