#like for her bc i feel like she would be fairly manipulative and also need assurance often that he is into her | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

datastate · 3 months

Text

chapter 16 of nabari. short, but stings... i have a lot to say.

i love when characters have their facades forcibly ripped away from them & these past few chapters have utilized oda's character/ability SO well, but. holy shit does it hurt every single time... i'm fairly certain this is the first time we've seen yoite smile as well, which just. in hand with the fact that it's once this is spoken aloud, he immediately retaliates as if to reiterate that 1) this isn't real, then nothing being said or done matters, he's permitted to be selfish at the expense of others, or 2) prove his point that he doesn't deserve to have existed in the first place if he's capable of this much destruction...

i've reread this chapter multiple times over. i'm still gonna be sick. at least in the last panel you can see tobari fretting over miharu already bwehaha...

& before i get carried away, i just need to point out the above panel with this: miharu steps in clearly - at least primarily - to save the others from dying with yoite... which makes the grey wolf agent intentions also just. curious, to me. because... even now, he's been reduced to nothing but a "cold-blooded death god" to so many people... they assume yoite's death's own scythe, a weapon to be wielded once you forgo any chance of his agency (an easy mistake, with how careless he's been with himself thus far), which results in those prior grey wolf associates being killed so that he can seek out miharu (i'm assuming he killed them. i forgot if that was confirmed or just implied </3) because they assume full obedience.

however, the agent's reaction isn't solely based on having a sound plan until he finds out oda's true identity -- his first reaction is the warning "you'll die!" in reaction to him using kira recklessly. and he goes on to say aloud, to yoite's face (which is. just fucked in its own way, don't get me wrong), that this was just a choice to fulfill his role of being his guardian for the meantime bc of the boss' orders. which... while that may be true, it feels so. backhanded. and maybe i'm being too soft in this reading, but i do think that there was something more there to him jumping out and risking his life by calling out to yoite. especially as it's immediately contrasted with tobari reaching out to stop miharu from reaching yoite's range of attack. there's that belated reaction to realizing that yoite was truly fearful, but... i don't know. you wouldn't reach out to grab your boss' favorite gun before it's out of bullets, would you... even if instinctive, fear can reinforce sympathy; it's just not something you would've ever expected to see on yoite's face & in the moment it's not as if you're given time to linger on the why, only on the "this kid'll die if he keeps this up." ... WHO KNOWS! WHATEVER...!! WHAT IS THE GREY WOLVES' DEAL...

but yes... in this sense of forgoing one's agency, i do think that is why oda also fails to control yoite's reaction.

oda sees her hijutsu as a tool, which isn't exactly wrong, but she's forgetting that she uses this to retrieve her "weapon of choice" (to pick and choose what thoughts/feelings she uses against or to manipulate her opponent) ... which is, in fact, one's consciousness. disregarding all privacy or agency with the assumption that they won't fight back. but prodding at yoite like this when he's already endured that treatment, and what's more, giving him a reason to fight back (pushing on that reminder that he's human after all, the "aren't you happy someone's finally discovered the real you?"), it's that thought which gives him an actual reason to retaliate. she's found & grasped onto the one thing he has to make himself 'himself'... even if that itself is shaky.

but just... where do i even begin to wrap this up. this chapter's so interesting to me because it truly forces oda to deal with the consequences of spitting out people's secrets so easily, and serves as the perfect counter to yoite without being able to reveal too much that hasn't already been implied -- just the surface level thoughts that he's already been forced to articulate so he may divulge his wish to miharu, which he's probably been stuck mulling over ever since that point. it's a new line of thought: there's hope yet (well... not exactly hope, but an actual path to follow, no longer aimless...)

it's. agh... you get so much on yoite without ever truly getting what's the core of what's beneath that. and it's cool. seeing just how much these internal thoughts/beliefs overwhelm him & oda... it's comparable to the previous chapter w miharu's "knowledge" but with much more... intent. yoite doesn't have that barrier to keep from peering at 'himself' or peering at the 'knowledge' accumulated or determined from musings/experience in this life, leaving her struggling to sort through everything yoite's kept. it's already been said, how he's repeated it to himself endlessly until he could make sense of it (even if it landed, evidently, in dpdr ("if the world in front of my eyes is 'real'...")) as his present solution until miharu came along and gave him that chance out completely; but it's unapproachable for someone like oda. we've seen that she is a very goal oriented person; direct and ruthless after rising from the world that fell apart around her. partially given the chance because she's an adult, of course, but also because (albeit unintentionally on that fucker's part) she was given a person to focus that attention onto. i think that if it wasn't for talking through things a bit with miharu, oda would've experienced much harsher repercussions because she was unprepared and, naturally, seeing miharu (who now embodied that 'hope') wouldn't have necessarily stopped him.

this entire sequence makes me wither beyond repair. by the way.

just. all of the pain imbued in yoite's expressions/poses every time he cuts through the others is so heartbreaking. and finally seeing that even he was unable to see the full extent of what he was doing, still covering his face, is so 💥💥💥

i don't have much to say here. i just really love tobari & continue to as the chapters march on. she really needed to hear this, though whether or not she takes it to heart is her own decision... and one that she probably no longer has the privilege of doing away with due to the state the other shinobi groups are in -- this same sort of turmoil, she needs to be on her guard more than ever, though it's for that same reason that the tensions are rising so quickly in the first place between the four we've been shown... do what it takes to survive, but once she's finished this, will she even stop to reflect on how little she has left after having stolen everyone else's stories/memories/feelings and stepping upon them for her own gain? what left is there to gain once she's carried this out? again, just the inverse of yoite here. projected so much outward that she never had the silence necessary to reflect. rather than truly consider what she's learned from other people, she sorts them into three separate boxes to determine how to best use the information she's given; there's nothing to their experiences other than things to flaunt for her own use. she is hearing them, but she's never listening. it's terrible. i love her. sorry <3

always the first to raise his weapon, isn't he... i'm always so suspicious of the ones who go understated, but i'm still so reluctant to believe that he'd heel-turn. it's just another case like tobari where he has something to hide but. I need to throw him in a blender until i can dissect what exactly that'd be... i don't understand.

just such a good panel...

#SHAKILY THUMBS UP. GOOD CHAPTER...#still not the entirety of my thoughts i think. but the rest is static & i'm just waiting to attune it as i read further #jestersvaguely #nnolb #character death

2 notes · View notes

blondiest · 1 year

Note

About your headcanon of fem Near and Mello, why do you think that fem near would be more manipulative and sneaky? Why would Mello show her 'complicated' feelings for Near visibly?

(my original answer that you're referring to i'm gonna link here!!)

okay i am actually going to get slightly long-winded here so bear with me. it's also gonna be really disorganized and at least kind of poorly articulated lmao. but! thank you for the ask!! ❣️

a) fem!Near being manipulative / sneaky

a theme i like in general is (Wammy's era, mostly) Near attempting to learn how to navigate social situations better. i like the idea of Near doing research on and then taking an analytical & strategic approach towards things he finds difficult (in the situations where he feels the need or desire to get better at said things— i think much of the time it wouldn't be necessary for him, which is why i don't tend to imagine him learning to cook very well). when i refer to fem!Near being more sneaky / manipulative, i guess i'm mostly saying that i like to do a slightly more ‘dialed-up’ take on being strategic about navigating interactions with Mello better.

part of why i imagine fem!Near this way is literally just bc i think it's fun when teenage girls are weird. i found it very hard to fit in as a teen & tried very very hard to get people to like me, sometimes in calculated ways. ‘calculated’ here should not be mistaken for ‘successful’ or ‘smooth’ — i just mean that i put a large amount of thought into my behavior and interactions with others. also, i feel like teen girl friendships are sometimes fraught in very specific ways, so i imagine weird one-sided rivalries might be even more fraught in those specific ways. i can't really articulate this as well as i'd like to, but hopefully it's clear ishhhh what i mean?

(more under cut bc i'm going to refer to specifics of two different Near POV fics i've written)

in hot soup on a cold day, Near mentions having tried fairly standard, friendly methods to attempt to get closer to Mello, which didn't really work bc Mello was interpreting everything as insincere. so in this case, Near isn't trying to manipulate Mello, but Mello thinks he is. on the other hand, in what doesn't kill you makes me want you more, fem!Near takes a more underhanded approach and decides that she'll play into the image she surmises Mello wants to see & attempts to give Mello an artificial sense of power / superiority to incentivize further attention from Mello. this is actually an attempt to manipulate Mello, but because of the interaction that catalyzes the whole thing, it plays into what Mello wants to believe & will end up being more effective than the sincere efforts mentioned in hot soup on a cold day. tbh, this also just fits into my love of Mello misinterpreting Near with spectacular consistency.

b) fem!Mello being worse at hiding her hatecrush on Near

i have less insight for this one tbh, but i also tend to think of this as a specifically Wammy's era dynamic. i think it's delightful when Mello is a mess, and i like making fem!Mello slightly more of a mess 🥰

#mello #dn #near #asks

14 notes · View notes

sinisteryuri · 5 months

Note

HII FOR THE TAG GAME. please do elaborate on #girl???

sickos: HAHA YESSS.

i actually answered with a little excerpt already so im going to talk about my characters from this general universe because. i love them.

cw for suicide and abuse under there

MOLLY my best friend molly. here is some older art of her !!!

so molly is 18, she lives in a world where some people have superpowers. kind of dc style. she’s an up and coming vigilante in the Big City (which is ILLEGAL but public opinion is mixed bc the government is like. not the best). she ran away from her suburban home after her older sister, angel, attempted to ritually give her superpowers for a plan to turn her into an Actual angel (not a real thing in universe). the powers thing worked but was traumatic and destroyed their relationship. molly is really self-sufficient, reckless, and attributes her continued, lucky survival to the existence of a higher power of angel’s creation. she has a grudge against the government because of the way angel was harmed by the government’s systems. her reckless but effective methods quickly get a lot of attention, both positive and negative, from the media and other heroes and vigilantes like lyov and lyra.

ANGEL the worst ever.

i don’t have a picture of herSORRY.

angel, got into like a sidekick training program really young and was considered a prodigy. she would spend winters in the city with the big shots and summers at bible camp with molly. her and molly’s parents commit a religious double suicide when she’s 17 and she walks in on it and develops a sun-centric religious belief system to deal with her grief. she keeps making increasingly dangerous mistakes at her internship under her manipulative mentor and returns home full of a justified but incredibly misdirected anger that she unleashes on molly, and molly’s friends, darcy and elise, over the next few years, culminating in grievous injury to all of them. she believes herself to be chosen as a divine being and her goal is to get revenge on the ex-mentor who scarred her face and also become an Actual angel with molly so they can meet their parents.

LYRA my best friend

lyra is a career hero following in her brother’s footsteps by day, a masked vigilante doing gritty rescue work by night. she doesn’t want the flashy fights and advertisements of her brother’s career, and instead she’s drawn to disaster work, holding up fallen buildings, pulling people out of fire, the hands on help people need. their parents want her doing magazine spreads and pr interviews, something primarily rescue heroes are notoriously not offered due to the lack of glamour in their work. so she takes things into her own hands in the mean time and does double the work, because anything is worth it for helping real people outside of publicly hunting down individual criminals. and as a bonus, she gets to meetup with this mysterious other vigilante who is really cool (it’s molly).

ORFEAS my best friend

child actor of hero work. he is actually a pretty normal dude. he wants to retire early and go to college for med school and his and lyra's parents are pushing him to wait longer, which he doesn't want to do. he's worried about his fame affecting how people treat him because he doesn't want an advantage. he briefly trained with angel. they had a little teen romance going on but she also scared him because he didn’t know how to help her.

LYOV MY SPECIAL GUY

old man yaoi. it's them. they knew angel fairly well when she was in training because at the time they were working as a hero. since, they've learned of corruption and separated themselves from the industry, working alone as a vigilante figure, though lucille helps them with tech behind the scenes. they come from a big family that they don't feel they can talk to after the death of an estranged brother who almost killed them when they were a child in a drowning, and they still feel the guilt of tearing the family apart, as they feel their family members took sides after the incident. they want to help molly out because she reminds them of angel who they still worry about as they never found out what happened to her. she just disappeared. they live with lucille and rowen and their kid and have a sad old man yaoi self-pity desire to date them and help them parent their kid.

THIS ISNT EVERYONE BUT IM ON MOBILE. PLEASE ASK MORE QS IF YOURE INTERESTED EVER. I LOVE THESE GUYS SO MUCH.

#seabirds.asks

2 notes · View notes

goblins-riddles-or-frocks · 1 year

Note

since apparently there is a darklina Secret History AU in the world i had a fun ask idea. what would the general premise before these various darklina aus: - vampire story, - Heathers (1988), - POTO adaptation, - The Devil Wears Prada (2006), - Star Wars. Almost said Victorian era but i think it IS the Victorian era lol

AGDJFHDGGFF see the trouble is, most of these don’t need much adjusting!

Vampire AU

This would be really funny bc the Darkling is basically a vampire anyway. And him as like a centuries old melodramatic bitch and Alina as the disgruntled fledgling from the modern era with no sense of glamor whatsoever trying to figure out how to get rid of the fang lisp and being most bummed out bc she can’t buy a fucking mcmuffin in the morning anymore would be so funny.

As for the actual premise, I could see like really leaning into the age old reincarnated wife trope, but maybe going in the OG Dark Shadows take on it, where it’s more about trying to *make her* into the old GF and kind of brainwash her into it. But she actually turns into a vampire very early on and you get the above incompatibilities in full force.

(That being said. A typical Dracula AU of the TGT gang would also be VERY FUN)

Heathers

OH MY GOD I mean frankly I don’t think this needs any changing whatsoever, the Darkling is simply JD. Alina as Veronica is a mildly harder fit but she has that same kind of sarcastic grit. I feel like the biggest hurdle is getting his characterization to a point where he’d want to suicide bomb the whole school— I do not think he’s at all typically prone to self destruction over having the chance to at all control anything. But if LB managed to make Dark Academia Darklina *cute* and actually compatible then I think Heathers!Darkling can be a messier more destructive flavor.

If we’re going way off script though. I think Darklina as the very very fucked up teacher/student serial killer duo could be INTERESTING.

Phantom of the Opera

Not going to lie, the funniest part of this is making the Darkling ugly because he’s SO vain. I think if his face ever got fucked up he’d be so wretched about it. I would like to see it!!

I think it’s actually really simple to just swap out his grand plans with the obsession over music. And there’s a fairly 1:1 similarity there of Erik’s belief that he is owed Christine’s love because he’s suffered so much in his life and the Darkling thinking Alina is like the cosmic answer to his loneliness and his rightful soulmate whether she wants to be or not goddammit! And of course there’s the mentor/protégée aspect and inherent manipulation. I think the end result of such an AU would probably just be Kay!Phantom if Christine was an angry wet cat.

Anyway literally like 75% of the reason I like TGT as a fandom source material is because it allows me to play dolls with characters that can be slotted into a POTO meets Elisabeth das Musical type dynamic with a) actual magic, b) no real history to feel weird about c) a phantom type character that is not ugly agshdf I’m shallow okay

Devil Wears Prada

I’m kind of going insane over the thought of the Darkling in the fashion world. He would kill at it tbh. I think pretty much everything would be the same as the movie except we just have Alina and him as Andy and Miranda Priestly analogues, and they shack up together lmfao. 10/10 no notes, I don’t think anything else needs changing.

Star Wars

So on principal I refuse to Star Wars AU anything but also I mean wouldn’t that basically be if Palpatine and Padme were fucking? People want to make Darklina and Reylo comparisons all the time but come on he’s 100% a Palpatine

#for context I’m reading ninth house and you can’t convince me darlingstern isn’t just darklina in a different font #idek how to tag this #darklina #alarkling #grishaverse #all the bendy punctuations #i ramble sometimes #AU corner #AU hour #whichever is my AU tag lol

14 notes · View notes

andiwriteordie · 2 years

Note

Okay so I've only been like vaguely reading most of the atla au asks (I'm with family bc it's break) so idk Everything that's been said (so sorry if I accidentally contradict smt or ask smt that's already been answered) also I love the scene with Joyce trying to make will breathe and all that implies afterwards bc. Ow. Breathing.

Anyways, I know avatars learn in a specific order and reincarnate in that order so El would be learning air last (like Korra did) and like Korra, I imagine she learned earth and fire fairly quickly but has difficulty with air... Like imagine Henry trying to teach her 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 what a mess lol. But then imagine like. Will being the one to help teach her it like wonder twins 😭😭

Like what if El knew all the bendings Except for air and that's also why she failed at actually defeating Henry the first time they fought? Like she never figured out how to airbend and when they had the initial confrontation (after Henry already tried + failed to teach her airbending) she didn't kill him bc he still knew how to use airbending to live or smt idk. But also in s1 she still doesn't know air very well so she can't reach into the spirit world and get will herself??? Like idk. But eventually will is the one to Properly teach her airbending... (And him saying it's all due to Jon's teachings 😭😭😭)

Yeah just. Wonder twins. Trauma and all that ✌️✌️

Ngl I never finished LoK (I watched the first 2 seasons and like half of 3??? And I don't even remember atla bc it's been a few years.) So I don't really know/remember all the avatar Lore lol. I'm just here bc I love aus and world building and angst and your writing and st and nostalgia lmao 👏👏

TOY HI I'M HERE AND I WILL ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS NOW SORRY IT TOOK A MINUTE.

WHOA NOW THAT IS A CONSIDERATION THAT I HADN'T THOUGHT OF. @messrsbyler are you seeing this? what if henry had been the one to begin el's airbending training? literally that would be so fucking cool and it's perfect because in st canon we see how much el's powers mirror henry's and like??? yes. i love this. and then that's perfect because it gives henry the perfect opportunity to begin to try and manipulate el for his own gain.

also will eventually teaching el about bending? what if i cried. what if i CRIED? it's the way that el in this world has been so traumatized by her bending. her bending has been the representation of her abuse, and she didn't know about the importance of her role as the avatar until she met the party. so now, she has to be this hero that the world needs, and god. she doesn't know how to be this incredible master of all four elements when she hates her bending and it scares her when she uses it? but but but but then, through her relationships with the party, it helps to heal her trauma. the party, who represent the four elements and the nonbenders of the world, show her the beauty and the strengths and the goodness of what bending can be.

and none of them are very good at bending either, which like wow. talk about the juxtaposition between the freaking avatar being one of your best friends and then you're a bender who is just okay? dustin can't bend and has always been insecure about being the only one who can't do it. max never really got formal training because her family couldn't afford it, and what if the earthbending was from her dad? her dad, who walked out on her when she was just a kid. she wishes she could've been born a firebender, because she feels like a firebender, and earthbending just doesn't feel like it fits her. lucas excels at healing, but he has to work 3x as hard to get combat waterbending down. he gets embarrassed when the kids at school make fun of him, because it's still viewed as weaker to be a healer, a caretaker, instead of a fighter. mike has never ever been good at firebending, especially not compared to his protege of an older sister. he can't seem to move past the basics, and he burns things, and he's reckless and destructive with his bending. will always loved his bending until he was kidnapped by another airbender and was left traumatized and terrified of the very air he breathes and bends and used to love so much?

the party needs el, just as much as she needs them. and these kids, all of whom don't seem like they have much to offer—especially to the avatar—show her the best parts of what their elements represent. dustin shows the versatility and the importance of nonbenders, because he's flexible. he's the jack of all trades. he's the mastermind and a strategist, and as he grows healthier, he helps all of them remember their value doesn't come from their bending either. max shows the beautiful steadiness and stability that the earth provides. the strength and the resilience that comes from the earth—that though it may get weathered and worn down, it inherently does not change, and max doesn't either. a cornerstone for the party. lucas shows the adaptability, the willingness to change and become better, and the focus of community and love. he can rage like the ocean and his temper is dangerous, but he's also quick to learn from his mistakes and bring that sense of peace and community back to the party. mike is the driving force of the party—the fire and the determination that propels them forward. he's their guiding light, the one who sees the way forward, and the one who makes sure that they get there... together. he's their heart! and will, sweet will who has suffered so much but who also seems to understand el the best, struggles to relearn what freedom means in the aftermath of his own trauma. how does an airbender relearn the concept of freedom when his own control was ripped from him? how does an airbender find the joy of the free fall and the unknown and the never-ending mystery of the sky when he's seen the darkest parts of the unknown? when freedom turned into chaos and was used again him? he and el go on this journey together, as two kids who suffered through similar (but not the same) traumas, and they find their freedom and their joy together.

okay so i only just finished LoK like 2 years ago in the pandemic, and i would say if you have the time, definitely watch s3. it's by far my favorite of the 4 seasons, and while the og series will always be my favorite, i think s3 of LoK is fantastic. i always like a lot of the themes that s4 brings with discussing korra's ptsd and her humanity? so that's cool too!

oof, if you (and anyone else who read this) made it to the end, congrats. sorry that was so damn long lol

#andi's asks #atlagate #stranger things/avatar au

15 notes · View notes

idealisticrealism · 2 years

Text

TCL 2x09 recap

Phew, this week was busy as hell so ngl this show picked a good time to have a set-up episode haha. Still, I thought the ep was actually really great, and I’m excited for what’s coming next!

Ok I’m really happy to see more of Thony’s buddhism! Lbr she needs his help rn. Was it really necessary for Fi to bring Luca to meet at the temple though? The threat of Kamdar is fairly under control for the moment, so really she could have just brought him to the house. (Sidenote, but in terms of timeline, it sounds like he’s been at JD’s for 2 nights, meaning this ep is only a day or so after last ep?). But anyway. Ngl I like seeing Thony in her jacket bc it just makes me think of her connection to Arman, but tbh I was like ‘why is everyone in long sleeves?? It’s summer in Nevada????’ but oh right no, the filming is in summer/fall, but the show must be at least nearing winter by now (not that winter in Nevada is all that cold anyway haha). But yeah in the pilot, Thony says they’ve been in the US for 8 months, and in 1x07 they celebrated all the holidays they missed having with Marco, which included Christmas. So Thony took Luca to the US in December at the latest, and then the two of them were there for 8 months already before the events of the show started taking place, and it’s now been about 3 more months since then. So I guess we could almost be in November/December again? Too bad this isn’t the kind of show to do a christmas episode lol, I would have loved that

Ok speaking of jackets/wardrobes etc, Arman needs to stop wearing the same goddamn thing every single day (as utterly sexy as it is), bc it’s making it harder for me to know exactly when everything is happening haha. I’m gonna assume that this scene actually occurs the night before Fi and Thony meet in the temple (aka still the same day as when Thony told him about RK and Nadia’s marriage). Bc I’m guessing that Thony told him, then he left and spent a while being upset (and conflicted, because yes the lying and the manipulation sucks but hey on the other hand, suddenly he’s a free man lol) before looking up the public record, and then he goes to La Habana, where Nadia is excitedly setting up what looks to be a dinner date for them (sigh, I feel sad for both her and us lol). Tbh I think that is the timeline that makes the most sense, bc lbr, if this was happening the following day after he finds out (so the same day as Thony in the temple), then Nadia would have been upset or suspicious about where he had disappeared to for a whole night, because clearly this is their first time seeing each other since Thony’s reveal. But anyway I guess it really doesn’t matter much haha. Also I like how he’s like “so it’s true” and then later tells her that he looked it up on the public record. Like duh of course it’s true lol, you literally saw the proof? Also ngl I was very satisfied when he turned away from her kiss, and then when she hugged him, begging forgiveness, and he didn’t hug back. I know it’s mean but I just love every single thing that further proves that this relationship really has no future… (well, the romantic part of it, at least.)

Also YAAASSSSSS I knew she and Robert were still married!! I mean I’m sure I’m not the only one who called it, but still, gotta love being proved right. And like I said, gotta love Arman no longer being a married man haha. Also incidentally, if RK and Nadia ‘divorced’ after a year, then that was 7 years ago, confirming that her and Arman have been together less than that. (even if they met while she was with Robert, I doubt that she would have dared get with Arman until the divorce was supposedly finalised, given that she was afraid of RK). But anyways then aaaaahhhh the way Arman walks away from her– idk about you guys, but I just really can’t see them going back to being together after this, bc firstly there’s been a betrayal of trust on both sides, and secondly, cmon, the dude knows he’s in love with Thony, and knows that it’s her that he really wants to be with, not Nadia. Tbh though this did all work out a bit differently than I expected; I absolutely assumed that Nadia would demand to know how he found out, and would then learn of how he’d used her. But now instead of both of them being pissed at each other, we have her feeling guilty and desperate for forgiveness, while also accepting that she may have caused the end of their relationship. Which is kind of true but also not really haha. I think the dooming of this ‘marriage’ was a mutual effort tbh lol

Ugh the combination of Hyper-competent Doctor Thony and Worried Mom Thony gets me every time. But man seriously can the universe just give her and Luca a break?? Like she said in 1x06, why does it always have to be so hard?? (Bc it makes for good TV drama, of course, haha). Loved the throwback to Dr Saroyan, who has probably been enjoying the last few weeks of respite from these very stressful clients haha. I kinda wish we’d get to see him again bc I miss him, but at the same time we don’t really need him as much bc Arman has a new personal doctor now :P

Speaking of Arman, ughhhh at the fact that she’s clearly told him about Luca being sick again. Despite the uncomfortable way their last meeting ended, they’ve obviously been in contact, arranging the next med pickup and talking about Luca and still just being there for each other even when they’re kind of being pushed into being on different sides in regards to their situation with RK/Nadia etc. Tbh I just love this scene: the way he and Fi greet each other (from her expression, it looks like she has come to accept him and his place in Thony’s life and I’m so happy about it); the way he immediately asks after Luca; the simple sincerity and the eye contact with the “I wish I could help”/”You are” ughhh. (Bc the thing is, he’s not helping Luca directly; Thony and Dr Saroyan have that covered. But he’s supporting Thony, and that’s what she truly needs).

Nooooooo Boscoooo my boy :’C I know the writers have been basically telling us this was coming since like 2x03 but I’m still sad!! I do love that in this scene, Thony’s first response was to start checking for survivors/people needing medical help, then she saw the truck and her focus shifted to the meds and what their absence meant for Luca (and also her and Arman). Which is very much her character– help anyone in need if she can, but her family’s needs take priority. Arman’s response was just as perfect– his first reaction was Protect Thony, by warning her to stay back and also scanning all around them for further threats, and only once things appeared safe did he even think to look for Bosco. But ugh I really didn’t want to have to see Arman lose another friend, especially another whose death he’s going to torture himself over ughh. I’m sad Bosco didn’t even get to say any last words either but at least he wasn’t alone when he died. Ugh my boy deserved better :(

And then suddenly there’s magically appearing bikers (let’s ignore that their engines should have been audible way before they got that close, shall we? lol) and Armony running from bullets and stealing a bike and a high speed chase on a dirt road and honestly I didn’t need this kind of stress in my life haha. Also damnnn son I guess Arman is an amazing rider because do you know how hard it is to keep a bike steady at speed, on dirt, and with a passenger?? I do! It’s bloody hard! And kicking an object while riding without then causing yourself to crash is even harder lol. And don’t even get me started on that chain they broke through– like dude if that chain was attached at all to more than one side of the gate, riding into it would have clotheslined them both and sent them hurtling right onto the road in the path of that RV lol. Good thing it was apparently not attached and was just draped across the gap or something though… and like man I know it’s Vegas and all but that was a hell of a gamble lol

I am immensely satisfied that I accurately predicted exactly what Arman would do and say the moment they got off the bike haha, though lbr he IS kind of predictable when it comes to Thony and being worried for her safety. And okay I’m very glad they’re both uninjured (and look, shooting a target is hard at the best of times, so I understand them not being hit by bullets shot from a moving vehicle while they were also moving at speed), but I mean couldn’t Thony have gotten just a little bit shot? Like nothing serious, just a nasty graze across the shoulderblade or something? Just enough for Arman to freak out over and for her to have to take off her shirt for him to check it lol. But sigh, I guess I’ll just have to save that for fanfiction lol. Anyway though, you really gotta feel for Armony rn because they are really not having a good week lol

Ah, everyone’s least favourite sociopathic peacock is back. But how satisfying to see him get slapped right in the face haha (though lbr he probably likes that kind of thing?). Ngl though I almost enjoy how utterly pathetic he is when it comes to Nadia? Like with everyone else he’s self-assured, powerful, always at the advantage; but with her he’s a total simpering mess and I want her to crush him under her heel like a bug lol

Nope, not okay with hearing Thony just barely holding back tears over the phone with Dr Saroyan, and then trying so hard to keep things together as she explains the situation to Fi. She’s right about Luca never surviving the flight though ugh; I literally just did a course on the physiological stress of flight in critically ill patients and no way would he make it in his condition. Maybe on an official repatriation flight with a medical team accompanying him, but not as a deported immigrant on a commercial flight ugh. But anyway, I digress lol

And now Thony’s bad day is getting even worse as she has to go deal with RK’s shit lol. But oooh the burner phone is back! Given that later in the ep RK texts her on her other phone, I’m guessing that it’s Arman who texted her just then to let her know RK was back and that they have been summoned to see him– considering they show up to RK’s office together, it’s likely that Arman came to pick her up and take her there. And ugh that’s yet another moment between them I wish we could have seen, bc like did they talk about what they would say? Or the possibility that RK might hurt them as punishment?? I need to know lol. But ugh that moment when RK does snap and signal Joseph to kill Arman? (which tbh I don’t think he would have dared to do if Nadia hadn’t basically just told him she wanted nothing to do with him; bc previously it was only the fear of turning Nadia against him that kept him from killing Arman). Ngl I am obsessed with the way Arman clenches his jaw and stands straight, accepting his death like he has known ever since the prison that it was only a matter of time, that there would be no escaping it, not after everything that’s happened. But Thony will never accept that, will never stop fighting to protect him, and so she immediately moves closer to him, pleading on his behalf and getting herself even more deeply ensnared in RK’s web as she saves him ughhhhhhh

Ugh more DoctorMom Thony… I can’t deal with the way she looks at Luca before she walks out of the room. She knows that this may be a one way trip to the Philippines for her, but I guess she’s holding on to the thought that even if it is, she’ll be able to send the meds back and he’ll get better– and then eventually he may be well enough to fly back too and they can be reunited. (Well, if she doesn’t get murdered by RK, that is. Ugh). But at least in the meantime he will be safe with Fi– although dude “give him more morphine whenever he needs it” is an INCREDIBLY dangerous statement to say to someone who doesn’t have medical training haha. But I’m sure she wrote down some clearer instructions lol. Also aww at the fact that Fi has apparently been sending money back to her parents all this time, despite having such a challenging relationship with them and also having little money to spare?? I love her Your Honour

Seeing Arman and Thony pull up to the plane in the caddy reminded me that his motorbike is still back at Bosco’s camp ughhhhhh. Maybe he’ll be able to ride the other bike back and go get it? Though lbr the risk is probably not worth it. Ugh RIP you beautiful motorcycle I will miss you and all the Armony-embracing you created. Ngl the power couple in the caddy look is still hot though haha. As is the fact that Arman is dressed rather similarly to the last time these two took a private jet flight together, and then later slowdanced by firelight… got some subconscious hopes rising to the surface there buddy? Me too tbh lol. And then ugh RK shows up and completely ruins all our hopes, as usual. I love that both Arman and Thony tried to argue against Arman being left behind (“I need Arman to come with m–” yes you do need him ughhh). But then ugh when Arman realises that he has no way to fight this, that he has already been pushed out and deemed worthless, and as a result has no power to protect her anymore? And he just stares after her and she looks back at him for just a second and they’re both thinking, is this the last time we’ll ever see each other?

Boooo the ledger didn’t actually help?? So Arman went through that ‘reconciliation’ with Nadia for nothing? Great. Also ngl I am still stuck on my ‘Russo is indebted to Kamdar and under his influence’ theory. C’mon show, tell me what side she’s on, I need to knowwwwww

Of course RK chose the seat right across from Thony and is watching her sleep. Goddamn creep. Though tbh we all know that she is completely under his power rn and so there are far worse things he could be doing to her (things I’m sure Arman’s imagination is currently torturing him with), so I guess I should be glad that sexual violence does not seem to be one of RK’s proclivities. But ugh this flight is still so uncomfortable, especially the way she is forced to reveal her friend’s identity to him, knowing that it will put her at risk but having no choice. But holy shit the line “The chief of cardiology? That’s a lot to give up… the godlike power of saving lives, just to become a maid for criminals” is possibly one of the most powerful statements we’ve had in the show. And then her response: “My life became about saving one person’s life. My son.” Like wow, that really captures the entire essence of the show, doesn’t it? The lengths that a mother will go to for her child, the sacrifices she will make to save one person above all others. Though tbhI would argue that the truth has shifted a little bit now– in S1, yes, her life was all about saving Luca. But since the end of S1 it has become about saving her family– Luca, Fi and the kids, and Arman. Thony says in 1x04 that she became a doctor to be like her father, who her mother always said was brave and risked his life for others. She clearly dedicated so much of her life to that goal, to being the best doctor she could be, to help all the many the people who needed her knowledge and abilities. But after Luca got sick, and after she reunited with Fi and saw the way she was struggling through life as a TNT, and after she met Arman and developed such a deep and unexpected connection with him, I think that all that determination and caring and protectiveness that had been spread across scores of cardiac patients instead focused itself intensely on just five people. Of course, she always helps whoever she can, but those five people are who her life is really about. And I think that RK actually respects that, respects that she is willing to do whatever it takes for the people she loves, even when it comes at a huge risk to herself. Tbh I think he’s found her quite intriguing for a while, ever since he’d learned that she was more than what she’d claimed at their first meeting, and since seeing the power she held (in different ways) over both Nadia and Arman. Let’s just hope that he stays intrigued enough to not have her murdered lol

Ooooh I have been hoping for AGES that Joseph is Filipino!! Honestly I always felt it was too much of a coincidence that RK’s right hand man– who we’ve seen RK abusing more than once– should just happen to be South East Asian. Like that casting has to be deliberate. And now he and Thony are kind of vibing?? Like yaaaaassss c’mon Joseph, turn on RK and take Thony’s side instead!

Aw Thony being welcomed by her friends is so sweet (and I love the very classic bilingual conversation), but oh mannnn it’s so uncomfortable to watch her trying to be normal and social all the while knowing that she’s there with a motive and that RK is outside and that so much is riding on her friends taking a huge risk for her ugh. When she escaped to the bathroom I just wanted to give her a hug ugh. Just like I wanted to give Arman a hug when he was suddenly faced with Isabel selling the club, kicking him when he’s already down, and god as much as I’m suffering rn I do love the way the show juxtaposed those two scenes, like it’s saying that even separated by thousands of miles, their pain is still shared. Ugh our babies really are going through it lol

Nope nothing to say about this awful scene with Thony and her friends and her trying to beg for their help while suffering such a mortifying level of shame and guilt and ughhhh nope can’t deal with this at all. Although I feel like the drug he mentioned about hepatic damage might somehow become relevant later on? It seems Luca is copping every possible side effect or complication so who knows lol. But ugh when her friend gives her the name but then realises that Thony brought RK with her and basically exiles her for it ughhhh it hurts me. Especially because Thony has said before that many of hers and Marco’s friends stopped talking to them because he would borrow money and not pay it back– this woman may have been one of the only friends Thony had left from her life in Manila. And now she’s lost that too.

Lol I like this bisexual lighting in La Habana– I’m gonna headcanon that Nadia chose that lol. It’s also really cool to hear that she was the one who made the place into a cigar lounge; between that and her influence on RK’s business, I’m definitely getting the sense that this woman should absolutely be running the show. But ugh when he says he’s not going to say goodbye to either her or the club, I honestly kind of liked it?? Because I want her and Arman to be able to stay in each other’s lives, just not in a romantic partnership, and tbh I think we are actually getting closer to achieving that with each episode? Because they’ve had their heated, angry breakup, they’ve had their unwilling (on his part at least) make-up, and then they’ve had the reveal that their marriage was never ‘real’ and all the painful emotional fallout that came as a result of that. And now they’ve made peace, have apologised to each other for the way things happened and how they hurt each other, but it’s definitely got a ‘forgive but don’t forget’ vibe to it, in that while they can absolve each other for what they’ve done, they’re not just going to pretend it never happened and go back to what they were. Bc in my mind, they’ve now reached a place where returning to the relationship they had– the marriage– is impossible, yet it is still possible for them to have a new relationship, one where they are partners of a different kind, two people who know and respect and trust each other and can work well together toward a common goal. And tbh we’ve all always noted even from early in S1 that they seemed to behave more like business partners than husband and wife, and now maybe they can have that, and can see that it fits them better than being married ever did.

YEAAAHHHH BOOYYYYY “I’m gonna kill Kamdar. And you’re gonna help me.” Aaaaaaahhhhh you guys I have been WAITING for this and I am so excited. And you know what the absolute best part is???? The timing of this decision from Arman. He is suddenly filled with determination to kill RK, but that determination didn’t appear after RK forced him to commit murder, or after he found out RK caused his whole marriage to be a lie, or after RK literally almost had him shot dead in his office. Yes all of those things contributed to it, but it was truly cemented the moment RK flew away in the jet with Thony completely at his mercy, and Arman realised he no longer had the power to protect her. Like yes I know that RK has made it clear that he no longer has use for him (and that therefore he may potentially have Arman killed at any moment) but honestly, I don’t think that “it’s either him or me” is Arman’s real reason. It’s an effective reason to give Nadia, because if forced to choose, she would absolutely choose Arman; but I really don’t think Arman truly cares about the possibility of his death. Like in 2x07 he literally told RK that he wasn’t going to follow his orders to kill Maya, and to just kill him instead; and it was only when Thony’s life was threatened that he gave in. Even earlier in this ep when Joseph nearly shot him, he didn’t do a thing to try to stop it happening. Honestly I think that he believes that he deserves it; I think he’s now convinced that he only brings death and destruction and pain to those around him– Matteo, Carlos, Hayak, Maya, Bosco (and that’s not even counting the people he killed for Hayak)– and that by dying he would be paying penance for them, but also protecting Thony and Nadia from suffering the same fate. And so that’s why he is suddenly so desperate to kill Kamdar: because of Thony and Nadia. Because that moment at the hangar made it clear to him that unless he takes out RK permanently, neither woman will ever be able to get free of RK’s grip, and will always be in danger from him. Which means now he knows that he needs to act fast, to kill RK before RK can kill him, because if he dies before RK then there’s no one left to protect his family– the two women he loves.

Also, can I just say that I called it about the fact that if RK dies, Nadia– as his still-legal wife– is likely his main beneficiary, and so she would inherit his entire kingdom? Like ngl I could see some potential issues there, like the fact that if he died, the FBI would probably be pretty interested to investigate exactly what happened, and would most definitely tie up all his assets rather than releasing them to the estranged wife that had very suspiciously just made a very recent return into his life, and whose second ‘husband’ is a known enemy of RK’s lol. But who cares about logic and legalities, right? And tbh it was a very smart move of Arman to appeal to Nadia’s greed and ambition by reminding her that she could become queen of it all, and could finally have what she has worked so hard to earn. There’s a look of almost disgust on his face as he says it, which may be because he’s acknowledging that Nadia is RK’s wife, not his, but tbh I read it as also being disgust at a) manipulating her again, and b) the fact that money and status and power mean so much to her. If the situation were switched and it was Thony in her position, Thony wouldn’t care at all about what she might inherit from RK; she’d only care about keeping Arman safe. But to be clear, this is not a judgement of Nadia! Her greed and covetousness are actually really interesting character traits and they make her more nuanced and real, and tbh I can totally understand why someone who came from nothing (and who worked hard for everything she had and yet still lost it all, while watching others get richer and richer without ever working for it, purely because they were born into privilege) would be drawn to the idea of doing one ‘bad thing’ to get to have everything she feels she deserves.

Ugh at Thony keeping her promise to Fi and going to Fi’s parents’ house to leave the money she gave her. I’m glad she didn’t have to go meet with them– she could have stopped them when she saw them leaving, but she chose not to (in fact it seemed like she was waiting for them to leave), and she clearly knew where the spare key was kept (she may have had her own copy when she lived in Manila, but lbr she wouldn’t have taken her copy of the key to the US with her). Also the envelope Fi gave her was white, and she puts that on the counter first, but then she also takes out a thick, fresh stack of cash, and a yellow envelope– and tbh I think the cash and yellow envelope are from her. @enigmaticfox said, and I agree, that this moment feels very much like a goodbye; a goodbye to her former parents-in-law– the only parents she has had for years– and to her connection to the Philippines. Her work life there ended 5 years ago with Luca’s diagnosis, and her friends were lost one by one over the years due to Marco using them, with the last finally lost on this trip due to Thony using them; and then with the loss of Marco and the fallout from his death, the family ties she had to this place are gone now too. She says it herself when she gets back on the plane– “The Philippines are not my home anymore.” And it’s true. Her home, her life, everyone she loves– they’re all in Vegas.

Oh Russo what the actual fuck were you thinking? Kissing Garrett at any time is an incredibly terrible decision for many reasons, but kissing him at work only days after he lost someone he loved?? Someone whose picture he was literally just staring mournfully at as you walked in the door?? Like woman I have so many questions about your sanity haha. (Also about your loyalties. Seriously tell me, does Kamdar have you under his thumb???)

Damn Thony’s outfits for this trip have been so good. She looks so effortlessly elegant and sophisticated, and while I love that as a character she’s clearly not at all vain and will normally just wear the same simple clothes repeatedly, it is nice to see a little variety being included– tbh I feel that her tiny wardrobe was a symbol that her time in Vegas was only temporary and that she didn’t ‘belong’ there, so the more clothes that get added to the mix, the more it feels like she is putting down roots and really claiming Vegas as her home. Of course she doesn’t have a lot of closet space rn so she can’t go too wild with the wardrobe lol, but I hope it does get at least a little bigger by the end of the season. Anyway phew at RK basically pulling the rich-people equivalent of a jedi mind trick (aka bribery) on the customs guy lol; money really does open all doors huh

Okay so either RK is even more of a ridiculous simp for Nadia than I previously thought, and is completely fooled by her (let’s face it, rather terrible) acting lol, or he knows she’s deliberately trying to manipulate him into buying La Habana but doesn’t care and is happy to give her what she wants anyway, because it will get him what he wants– Nadia’s affection and gratitude. Tbh I hope it’s the first option because that’s just so much funnier. But either way, now that he’s the owner of La Habana, she can just “what’s yours is mine” her way into being the next owner upon his untimely demise haha. Work smarter not harder ladies!

Why do I feel a sense of foreboding hearing Luca say “mommy I don’t want you to go”? Bc like she literally just came back? Maybe he means he doesn’t want her to go away again? And ok even though I know nothing will happen to her (she’s the main character after all, and this show is no Game of Thrones lol), it makes me afraid of foreshadowing lol. But ugh when she tells Fi that the meds will fix Luca and Fi says “well, then whatever you went through over there, it was worth it”– yet another line that has really captured the heart of this show. Whatever Thony goes through, no matter how bad, it’s worth it to her as long as Luca (and her family) are okay. She will bear any pain, any burden, as long as it keeps them safe and healthy and happy. Which is why she will keep working with RK, bc even though she knows that he’s so unpredictable and mercurial that just being in his vicinity is a danger in itself; she’s willing to take that risk as long as he can supply the meds that keep Luca healthy. Which means that the situation between her and Arman is about to get a little complicated lol, because right now she needs RK, and Arman needs him gone. Bc just like her, Arman will do anything to protect the people he loves– and for him, that means protecting her from RK by eliminating him before he can hurt her. It’s the best kind of conflict imo, because it’s one person saying to the other “I love you enough to do what needs to be done to save you, even if it makes you hate me”. Of course, Arman doesn’t want to endanger Luca by taking away his access to the meds, but in his mind, RK is a far more immediate threat to Thony’s safety than the short supply of meds is to Luca’s wellbeing, and so he probably figures that once RK is eliminated he can then use RK's funds and connections (via Nadia) to get Luca all the meds he will ever need.

But the real question now is whether he will tell Thony what he’s planning to do to Kamdar??? I honestly can’t decide, because on one hand, keeping her in the dark would protect her (plausible deniability, etc etc) and that definitely seems like something he would do– plus, in terms of storytelling, it would create some delicious angst because Thony would see Arman suddenly shutting her out and instead spending most of his time with Nadia, and she would assume it means that Arman has now definitively made his choice regarding who he wants to be with, and so she would then endure their every following interaction with the quiet suffering of a secretly broken heart ugh. (God I would LOVE to see that, because the eventual reveal of the truth– that he loves her, has loved her the whole time and has only been trying to keep her safe– would be glorious). However, if on the other hand he tells her what he’s planning, and she tells him not to do it because she needs RK (also bc she doesn’t want him to get caught for RK’s murder, of course) then there’s a different kind of delicious angst where they both know how they feel about one another but they’re stuck on opposing sides regardless, due to external factors outside of their control. Which tbh would also be glorious. So basically, whatever happens next will be a freakin delight lol. And ok I know there’s a lot of fans who are unhappy about Armony being potentially pitted against each other while Arman teams up with Nadia, but I honestly cannot wait, because the truth is that any conflict between these two now will just make it all the sweeter when they eventually– and inevitably– finally give in to their feelings and accept that everything they’ve done, they’ve done for each other, and that there’s nothing they want more than to be together.

Oh no. The gun. Lbr, RK absolutely just had it planted in order to get Arman out of the way now that he thinks he’s got a chance with Nadia again– gotta remove the competition, y’know? lol. Though I definitely do take issue with the fact that he dared to plant for the FBI to find, considering that in 2x07 he himself touched it with his bare hands before Arman did, and that seems like a risk he would never take, but whatever. Plot hole maybe. But anyhow aaaaahhh now Garrett (and ofc Russo/the FBI) know about Arman, and I can’t WAIT to see what he does about it. Tbh my ideal headcanon would be that he immediately goes to arrest Arman, and Arman argues that if he’s already going to be going down for murder, why don’t they make it count– and so convinces Garrett to give him a couple of days to kill Kamdar (thus making him truly pay for what he did to Maya) before he takes him in. It would be fascinating to see Garrett agree to that, clearly venturing more into the moral grey zone, and also to see these two nemeses teaming up in that way. Especially if part of their agreement is that Thony is kept completely out of it so she won’t go down with Arman, because neither of them wants anything to happen to her. Ngl, I’ve already drafted the fic haha, and I’m sure I’ll get around to posting it one day– but in the meantime, I’m so goddamn excited to see what the show gives us over these next few episodes ugh. Honestly I am living the fangirl dream here kids and I hope you guys are too lol

#The Cleaning Lady #Armony #TCL recaps #oops late again #I blame my patients lol #also a very lovely wedding haha #but anyhow aaaaaahhhh guys we are REALLY getting into the epic part of the season here #these next few eps are going to be inSANE #and i could not be happier about it lol

8 notes · View notes

urionstandby · 4 months

Text

hi everyone! how r u doing?

i was looking for some advice here, to anyone that might know what to do. just in case this topic is triggering for someone, im gonna talk abt psychiatric medication, mention mental hospitals, some abuse and several other mental issues. im not gonna get into detail but please, if any of these things will make u feel bad, don't read this. I just really don't know what to do.

i had some issues from when I was twelve til I was like 17, when i started getting a lot better. I was in a mental hospital at twelve, fifteen and sixteen, a month and a half each time. I was given a serious diagnosis at twelve and plenty doctors told me later in life (pretty late honestly) that it totally wasn't that. also, every brain scan I've ever had showed no symptoms of this condition that would have totally appeared on the images.

for context, the place I grew up in was a total nightmare. not gonna go into detail as I said in the beginning, but it had to do a lot with the fact that my mother was neglecting me, emotionally and also verbally abusing me from a very young age, and it didn't help at all that she had a lot of boyfriends she'd bring to live with us after only a month of knowing them (since I was four till I decided to gain some inner and mental peace and got a job and moved out, this happened). so the first time I was addmited to the mental hospital, I discovered there a safe place where I was heard and cared for, also a routine and stability I had never had (for more context, at nineteen years old I moved houses about ten times, that I can remember obviously).

so, I been on different medications for the last seven years. the final diagnosis was this thing where my mood can shift from being very happy to very sad (not bipolar disorder), supposedly being about my brain chemistry and not about the fact that I've been on survival mode since my birth until I finally left my mother's house and moved with my father (a very loving, patient and caring man that showed me what compassion and true care really felt like). plenty of doctors told me that I don't really need the medication at all right now, and also I don't have the best psychiatrist honestly. she never really texts me to see how I'm doing or to call me, the only times we talk are when I text her to get my prescription or when I'm feeling down and need to talk. she is being paid for doing nothing basically.

three months ago, I moved in with what started as a three-person relationship, a girl and a boy. the girl turned out to be narcissistic and manipulative, something I learned to detect and stay away from based on my mother and past relationships. she hurt me and this boy a lot, phisically and emotionally, and then acted like it was our fault if we got sad or angry. anyway, with my boyfriend we discussed this and ended things with her, she moved out and we're living alone. it wasn't easy obviously. she wouldn't leave without screaming and saying very hurtful things, trying to turn my boyfriend and I against each other which clearly didn't work. I also would like to clarify that at least my boyfriend and I were very excited with all the future we were planing for the three of us, trying really hard to keep going even though things were very complicated and were making us so sad all the time. we truly loved her, and although I saw fairly quickly what she was all about, I would never get involved in my boyfriend's process and talk shit abt her with him, I would never want to feel like I'm getting in the way and trying to split us up. so I waited even if it hurt, every word and hit and every trigger she caused in both me and my boyfriend. and u may wonder, why did I stayed there after all that? simply bc of the loving boy that showed me some true and unconditional love I have never had; someone so sweet, patient, sensitive, kind, compassionate and so so empathic that hurting me will make him feel just as bad but won't even make it about him. the very few times it happened, he was able to apologize and recognize what he did wrong and most importantly, never did it again. I would never leave him alone in that situation, and what made him see all of this was seeing the way she hurt me, which also made him notice he felt the same way without me saying anything. it may sound like the bare minimum but honestly, I come from a very very abusive (in every way imaginable) past relationship were I was only worth my body and what I could do with it, just showing me the right amount of affection to make me stay there while he just got what he wanted: someone so broken and selfless that wouldn't care how many times she was truly hurt and would run to confront him even though he was the one who really messed up. I'm a lot better now about it, sometimes it hurts to think about those two years I stayed with him but at least now I can recognize the patterns and stay the hell away from them. (don't know if this is important, but I was 17 when we got together and he was 19).

so, now things are getting better, really better. it's so sad that the house feels so much lighter and filled with love and laughter since our ex girlfriend left, but it's also so relieving. my boyfriend and I are able to laugh and dance and love eachother every day although things weren't easy, proving that we are really stronger that anything that can happen.

it's important to mention that when I started taking my pills I was taking a very high dosage (two 100mg pills every day) and it was truly horrible. it only turned off my brain, made me feel absolutely nothing and really sleepy, unable to focus and unable to think straight. thanks to this, I missed all of my high-school years. I was there, but my brain wasn't. with the years and talking with my psychiatrist, I was able to take down the dosage to only a quarter of a 100mg pill. the thing is, in the almost three months I had been with my ex girlfriend, when I was taking half a pill, I missed it for one or two days at a time. sometimes because I forgot and when I remembered, it was late and I knew I wasn't going to wake up for another 16 hours like it always happens, and other times because I just didn't want my brain to shut off like that. it's so horrible that my body just keeps going until it gives up. and almost every time I took the pills, I suffered serious tics until my body gave up and I fell asleep. it was a nightmare. so, I talked to my psychiatrist and managed to take it down to a quarter. gonna be honest, I'm not taking them anymore. I had always hated them, but now I know that I went slowly with it and not suddenly, and that other therapists that really care told me I never really needed them (I just needed to get out of my house honestly. another nightmare I lived in for 18 years). as u can see, I hadn't had it any easy haha.

to make things worst, I started to work again in a very stressful job that keeps me away from home and my partner all day, that started to make me really depressed and so so tired. I wasn't feeling like this before, it all started with this job and as things are very complicated economically, I was willing to try and hold on. it was really turning me into a different person, I was being so impatient and sometimes desconsiderate with my partner, something I only realized after I said some things and got so hurt that I would ever say it and make my partner feel that way. I'm not the kind of person to not think before I talk, and I would never ever hurt anyone intentionally, even less if it's my wonderful boyfriend. I was also feeling so distanced from him and from the only place I could call a home and a safe place, and that hurt so much.

I take a bike for work, and two days ago when I was going to the afternoon shift (I worked morning and afternoon, with enough time to go home at 14:30 pm and stay there for half an hour to eat and talk a bit with my partner before having to go back and come home around nine pm) I got hit by a motorcycle that was going fast and not really looking where they were going. the hit was bad, but at the moment with the adrenaline and the shock I just got up, carried my broken bike for eleven blocks and worked anyway. when I got there, I could barely lift my right arm and everything hurt so much. I was dizzy and felt like I had a fever, and I worked anyway. at night, i told my supervisor (that knew exactly what happened and how I was feeling) that I didn't know if I could go in at work the next day. she got mad that we're short-staffed and she wasn't being noticed with enough time, and forced me to go anyway. the next day (yesterday) I woke up and couldn't get up. I was so uncomfortable and crying from the pain, I actually been needing help getting dressed up, getting up and even going the bathroom and showering. when my boyfriend saw me like this, he talked some sense into stubborn me and I talked with my supervisor to let her know I couldn't go in that day, that I would be going to the hospital as soon as I could. she got really mad and told me that they didn't handle things that way there, and that we would need more organization.

my boyfriend took me to the er that day and we spent the whole day there, me crying from pain and exhaustion and barely moving without help. they gave me very strong medication that did nothing, so they had to put me into the emergency room and give me morphine, which only made me stop crying and feeling everything in my body except for my shoulder. also, in this whole hour I was with morphine and being mistreated by nurses (which had to put the morphine twice as the first time they did it so wrong my arm started to swell and hurt really bad) my partner couldn't even be there bc of the protocol, so I was alone and scared in a white room I found so recognizable with no battery on my phone to talk to my loved ones.

after being in the hospital for almost eight hours, I found out I have a fractured rib and a very badly hurt shoulder. I was prescribed the strongest medication they could give me and an orthopedic thing to cure my rib. I haven't been sleeping well because every position is either hurting me or extremely uncomfortable and not eating well because of the nausea from the two medications I'm taking. I talked to my mom (that tried to be helpful and payed for food and medication but in the process told me that I was exaggerating and other really, really hurtful things a parent should never say to their child even if they think they're joking) and she says that if I'm feeling down or having tics (that only come when I'm truly exhausted and not home) it's just because I suspended my medication. this got me thinking and after a rough night were I slept like five hours and had to wake up from the pain, I woke up so sad. so so sad. I get it after writing all of this that is comprehensible to feel this way, also because I'm probably getting fired and the economy in my country is in such a state that we would need serious help from my father and mother-in-law if I don't have the job. but it also makes me angry, because my boyfriend has been so wonderful with all of this. he has been caring for me and doing everything for me, even helping me to take my pants down to go to the toilet and showering me. also, he made things so easy and I was even laughing and feeling kinda good emotionally when I was with him. he never once made me feel bad about all the help I was getting (and needing so much help for everything is very hard for me, especially bc I was forced to do everything alone since I can remember, the only help I got later being thrown in my face and giving me so much guilt).

the question is, I don't really know if I'm feeling like this bc of my medication. I know I didn't quit taking them suddenly, my psychiatrist told me we could take the dosage down and I went really slowly with it. also as I said, plenty of doctors told me I didn't really need them and that my doctor was just giving them to me to get paid, not really caring about how I was really feeling. I was doing pretty well considering how things are going, and considering I was told all my life I could never live on my own or do basically anything on my own. I've acomplished so much in the last years that everyone that cares is so proud, and I am too.

it's just that after the comment my mother made, I'm kinda starting to feel she might be right. I've been honselty feeling very good in the last time without taking my pills, it's just the situation is so difficult. I don't ever want to take those pills again, they make my brain shut off all day and I can't enjoy anything. they weren't even making me feel good emotionally as they should, they just cancel every emotion.

also, my mother has a history of believing the really bad doctors over me just because they did and said what she wanted, and the only psychologists that were truly helping me and making me feel heard and making me see a lot of things were suddenly terrible and bad for me, so she forced me to change therapists again (one of the therapists I had that she never really let me stop seeing was on her phone during sessions, told me all the time I was exaggerating, and even told me when I was abused by my ex partner that boys are all like that and that I shouldn't leave him just for that. she was part of the reason I stayed with him for so long).

I don't really know what to do. I don't wanna go back to that job but the economy is just so complicated. should I let some time pass and see if I get better (emotionally and physically)? I'm so lost and so sad.

if you read all of this, thank you so much. my current psychologist isn't responding to my texts, she only tells me she'll see if she can give me a time for a session but never does. it might have to do with the fact that I couldn't pay for the last two (and very expensive) sessions because I have no money and no help from the mother who told me would pay for all of this. the therapist know all of this. so, I haven't had any psychological help either. please, if you could give me any constructive advice I would be so thankful. and also, if you're gonna comment, please be considerate, I'm in such a bad place right now I couldn't handle any more bad words.

again, thank u if u read all of this. take care of yourself, drink water and eat something and if u can, move a little. hope u are feeling well <3

#please help #advice #mental issues #tw sensitive content #desperately need some advice

0 notes

whumpfish · 1 year

Text

Let's talk scars!

I see so many posts about unprompted scar kissing/touching by caretakers and like. Not to be contrary but pretty much all of my whumpees would anything between sidle away and not be comfortable around that person for a While to straight up deck a person for that.

Avedis is the latter. She'll lightly swat someone touching her battle scars deliberately without her permission, but touch her Seward scars and you're getting a right hook to the face. The only person she lets have contact with those is Sasha, in a medical setting, and even he got hit the first time. And he's avoided them when at all possible ever since, because they're friends and that means respecting boundaries, not softly and gently stepping over them because you just care so much.

Molly honestly would be freaked out and wonder why such a "caretaker" would be so attracted to something she didn't want to be given and had to suffer to end up with. Why is this person attracted to my pain? she would wonder. Why do they find the artefacts of my torture so specifically adorable? And she would never trust or feel comfortable around that person again. She has a lot of scars, and a lot of friends and the occasional partner. She's fairly physically affectionate and doesn't have her sister's Fight response to her scars from that particular whumper being touched because touch is bound to happen at some point with how she shows affection, but she would not think highly of anyone who singled them out for attention.

Sasha is probably the softest whumpee (though he hates being called that, thanks Dmitry) I have, and that would freak him the fuck out. Unprompted pairing of affection with marks of pain is a Dmitry thing. He thought it was sweet when they were dating as teenagers, now he recognizes it as a display of ownership and a tool of manipulation. Maybe, maybe from a partner, with permission, but out of the blue? Especially in response to him being in distress? Nope. Nope, taking the nope train to Fuckthatville. Uh-uh.

Pityr has let little kids touch his scars because they are tiny and curious, and if they want to touch, then they're not afraid of him, and it's rare for people to not be afraid of him. He will draw a knife on anyone over the age of 10 touching them. He will kick away anyone trying to kiss them, then draw a knife and maybe use it. Moira never even thought of attempting that kind of thing with him (or any of her rescuees,) and she was basically his mom for decades.

Leigh would be offended at the "I love you in spite of this" of it all. As far as s/he's concerned, if you have to qualify it, it isn't love or care in the first place. Leigh values respect above everything when it comes to meaningful relationships, I mean hell, s/he knows Pityr's basically a serial killer and they're not friends anyway, they're friends because Leigh respects that part of him. If anything s/he has stuck by him because of it, not in spite of it. S/he also respects his trauma. Leigh often ends up caretaker to Pityr and the only time s/he touches him without permission is when he's unconscious and can't give it and needs to be moved.

Valor, bless his heart, is a card carrying member of the Straight Up Deck People Club. He whumpees like an injured predator. Probably due to the whole being a dragon thing. Neither of the girls would girls would take kindly to it, either. Not react quite that severely, but definitely be a bit dubious. Lily would mostly just demand an explanation, and Donna... honestly make fun of the person bc she has that dry sense of humor, too, but it would still be strange.

Even the canon characters from my fandoms with major scarring would not respond well to that.

I am begging y'all to think critically about how you write your aftercare. This is another one of those things where all the focus is on how much the caretaker adores and cares for the whumpee in spite of the ugly evidence of their trauma, and no thought is given to how somebody--especially somebody who is recently traumatized resulting in those scars--would realistically respond to being on the receiving end of such I'm sorry but frankly bizarre attentions. When you put all that emphasis on someone being loved anyway, it just underscores and reinforces the notion that this behavior is exceptional and special, and anyone else would recoil in horror. And again, the whumpee has no agency in this scenario. They are just a vessel for the caretaker's love and acceptance. 99.9% of the time, we don't see the whumpee's reaction at all. They just don't enter into it.

This is not a critique of "light whump," so please do not take it that way. I love light whump, I've written and read my fair share of it. It's great. It's also not what I'm talking about here. Light whump is what it says on the tin - whump lite. And just like more intense whump, it's principally about the subject and the object of the whump, not an optional side character trope. Even environmental whump is subject/object focused, because it requires you to at minimum identify and give some detail of the cause of whumpee's pain/injury.

This is the whump genre. If the object of the whump gets zero creative consideration relative to the person ostensibly assisting in their recovery, that is an issue, and not a minor one. Now, if you understand all this but that is your Thing and you wish to write it, have at... but I would respectfully suggest you reevaluate what genre you're writing for, and whether you might need to instead be in the hurt/comfort tag, where the caretaker can be the sole character of substance and still fall within the parameters of the genre. Just naming a character Whumpee doesn't make something whump if "Whumpee" is just a set piece.

#sorry not sorry #you do you #but do y'all have ANY IDEA how many words and phrases I have content blocked #and i am STILL inundated with this #i literally content blocked 'caretaker's heart breaks'#i content blocked 'whumpee cowers'#i content blocked 'caretaker raises their voice'#i tag blocked angst #i have done EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to get away from this ableist weirdness #and my dash is still full of it #this speaks to an increasingly pervasive attitude among the community #and that is why i speak out #this involves content #but it is not about content #it is about community standards #and genre parameters #somewhere along the way we confused genre with fandom #and it's done us no favors #i tell you what #whump meta #i am fixing to lose followers pretty sure #but i can't take it anymore #i had to say something #this saintly caretaker/stuffed animal whumpee thing is so infantilizing #if you can sub in 'cute little kitten' for your 'whumpee'#what you have is not whump #imo h/c is generous #because what it screams to me is sadporn

1 note · View note

wildshadowtamer · 2 years

Note

CONSIDERING IM THE CO-CREATOR OF AN AU BASED AROUND THE PNF CAST BEING GODS, ID LOVE LOVE LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR HIDDEN GODS AU!!!!! UNLESS I MISINTERPRETED SOMETHIN LOL

OH MY GOD HI

ok so i made the au before i found yours but i changed a few aspects afterwards, but basically: (sorry if this is everywhere, i wrote half of it at 7am, slept, and wrote the rest of it at like 6pm in a heatwave)

Hidden Gods is an au where most of the cast are incarnations of deities, and hide it from Danville, they know eachother are gods, but nobody else does. Their powers range from subtle to extreme, and plants are a reoccuring power bc im weak for flower symbolism. Here’s like, big info of characters, but if you want specifics feel free to ask!

taken directly from my notes, the city history of Danville and Gods: “After being created at the beginning of time by gods, Danville has remained the central hub for gods and demigods alike. Though the people of Danville are unaware the city rumour is true, there’s so many strange things in the city that nobody would be particularly surprised. Though, some supervillains are awfully keen to find the gods amongst mortals, to use for their own sick experiments. These supervillains, however, are excommunicated from the Danville Villainous Community, as many high-ranking villains are gods or have godly children. So, thanks to the security the walled-in city offers, when people discover they or their family members are gods, they move to Danville for safety and community.“

SO: Phineas is the god of luck, he's incapable of being hurt and every situation turns out good, even if parts of it were bad. He loves wearing lucky charms (like horseshoe pins and clover bracelets) and he always makes sure his shirt has 7 stripes (a lucky number). His existence powers all luck in Danville, and honestly his luck aura is probably why villains never manage to take over Danville. He can focus the luck into bubbles of them to put people in, but it takes a lot of power and he can overload easily from it

Ferb is the god of summer, and his powers cover the entirety of Danville- but only danville. he can make summer go on for as long as he wants, even if its winter outside of the city walls. He was the first in the summer gang to realise he was a god, at a fairly young age, as his is far more direct than phineas'. He can grow summer plants, manipulate tempreatures, he's constantly running hot, and if he gets mad enough he can pull the summer/heat out of a room to make it winter. he also doesnt need to eat bc he photosynthesises, so he has a love/hate deal with storms (love for water, hate for clouds). Summer is naturally his favourite season bc hes the god of it and phineas is always happiest in summer, so he usually needs to be talked into letting summer go until next year

Candace is the god(dess) of fire, and partially made of fire. her hair (which is waist-length) is made of fire and curls into dark smoke at the bottom, and if angry enough she can literally light herself on fire (or more specifically turn her human body into a fire body, though not on command). Naturally, she sets things on fire by mistake a lot, just from her frustration, but water and cold can help, though if left in it for too long it will hurt her. she doesnt know how to swim due to this. like ferb, she has temp manipulation and gets her energy from the sun, so she especially hates storms

Linda is a mortal, a mortal who somehow managed to marry two gods in a row and raise three demigods without a single scar, Lawrence likes joking that she's the god of patience. She rolls with just about anything said to her bc her daughter bursting into flames has been a regular occurance since she was 3, so not much can phase her anymore. She's unaware of anyone outside of her family being gods, despite their complete lack of subtly

Lawrence is the god of History and Time, and his 'spirit' (godhood) was the first one to exist. He remembers every historical event, and has lived through all of them as well, though he has no memories of his past personal lives nor the lives of other gods. So naturally he's a history nerd, even though watching history content gives him migraines. Due to how old his spirit is, his body is perpetually in pain, but he manages it with painkillers. His late wife was a mortal, but was a "god's assistant", though he never asked which one. He may have some secrets about his own history.

Isabella is the god(dess) of Spring, though she doesn't need to photosyntheses like Ferb. instead, she can't be in too much heat, and can only grow spring flowers. Animals, particularly young ones, love to follow her around, and she can call them if needed. she particularly likes growing clovers, for no particularly reason of course. she just likes the uh, green of them. sure.

Buford is the god of space, his eyes are pitch black and his freckles are constellations. in low light, his eyes become galaxies, and he can project those same galaxies onto surfaces, or even nighttime bubbles around areas. He doesnt need to breathe, and knows alien languages without trying, but he can also turn his gravity off. sometimes, if he's not focusing, he'll float without meaning too. He's the reason phineas and ferb learnt how to lasso, so he wouldn't float away.

Baljeet is the god of premonition and visions, he can see the future and sometimes gets omens for events that happen weeks or months away, years even. but he can't change it, usually. He's the first one of the group who'll know if their cover is blown, because he once got an omen of that happening. though, when it happened, it was actually just him meeting phineas and ferb as little kids. due to the omens, though, sometimes his anxiety gets pretty bad, so he likes to look at stars to calm down. and he totally didnt call buford Stargaze once.

Irving does not exist in this au, the fireside girls are mortals but assistants to isabella, and django + jenny are also mortals, though they dont actually know about the godhood. I’ve yet to decide on jeremy and stacy.

(HUMAN) Perry has two titles, The God of Flora, and The God of Disguise. like his life and work, throughout history the god of flora and the god of disguise have been considered two different gods, when every time it was the same person. At home, his powers are plants, any kind of plant, he's not bound by seasons, though for some reason he always runs cold. When hes mad, vines will sprout up and hold him back, even if they leave thorns behind once hes calmed. When hes sick or upset, he'll cough up petals. At work, he's a shapeshifter, usually a platypus, though occasionally an ocelot, which his teammates take to mean Calvin the Cat- one of his friends- but we know the truth. He stays primarily human, atleast at the beginning of missions, but he does usually stay partially shifted to have webbed hands, venom, and bioluminescence (the latter is purely for his own entertainment). If hes shifted and too distressed/stressed, he can rapid fire switch, resulting in him "glitching" (losing control of his shapeshifting ability until hes calmed)

Heinz is the god of Memories, though he's also invincible. Nobody ever questions that part. Anyway, his powers are more lowkey, being able to project his memories into other people's heads like a movie, and having a picture perfect memory. However, this often backfires due to his traumatic past. Who knew being unable to forget things was bad for you. Despite being able to literally project his thoughts, he still keeps a scrapbook of his positive memories. Despite being invincible, he still managed to lose his arms, though when asked he just goes on a long rant about "some redhead in evil college" and "his weird assistant friend"

Vanessa is the god(dess) of Night and Dark, and essentially functions like a vampire. light hurts her, so she covers up and wears shades. she can control the light of a room, and can make darkness bubbles, and also travel through shadows. The true definition of Born To Be Goth, and definitely caused her father several heart attacks over the years, both from the light = burning, and from the shadow walking.

Monogram is the god of Deceit. Verbally, he's incapable of telling the truth, so he signs. but in Sign, he's incapable of lying. He likes messing with people sometimes, as everything he says outloud is either a contradiction or an outright lie, but usually he signs for the sake of everyone's sanity. He can also go invisible, and his mirror reflection is always in the opposite colors to him. Not skin wise, but everything else is the opposite color. It took him the first 14 years of his life to realise he had blue eyes, not red. He can also go invisible, but that takes more power the longer hes using it, so he doesnt like to. He's been out of field since Monty was a baby, anyway, but that's a different headcanon.

speaking of Monty, he is the god of Autumn, he can create fungus instead of plants, fog and rain too, he's immune to the cold, and he can induce sleep or nostalgia onto anyone. However, he's constantly tired, is impossible to wake up once hes asleep, and is immune to plant poison. he didnt find the latter part out until he was about 10, so his parents had several years worth of frantically dragging their child away from eating deadly things like mushrooms and yewberries. He adores the aesthetic that mortals have made for his season, so he's always seen in a scarf, hoodie, and beanie, even in a heatwave. Even though he's absolutely not heat immune, i never said he was smart

(HUMAN) Pinky is the god of electricity, which is why he's constantly shaking, its static buildup he tends to accidentally let loose on other agents, and occassionally his baby cousin Isabella. He has a special way of fighting thanks to his powers; either focus the electricity and make his fingerguns into fingertazers, or use the electricity to essentially be a makeshift Flash and nyoom after villains. His hair is incapable of taming, as it's always frazzled and static-shocked. The garcia-shapiros do not own carpet. a power overload can cause anxiety attacks, sensory overloads, or just knock him out entirely.

(HUMAN) Peter is the god of Winter and Weather, his winter powers are more passive, while his weather powers are more tied to his emotions. winter-wise he can make ice, manipulate snow, change a room’s tempreature (particularly if he’s mad, it’ll go ice cold), he can make blizzards and eternal winters under stress, his hands get icy when hes mad, he has no heartbeat, and his hands + mouth are always cold (the kind of cold like when you just had a popsicle). Weather-wise, based on emotion, clouds can appear over his head and rain/thunder/snow/etc (like pepa from encanto), which also means he can make storms and fog. At the cost of much of his energy, he can even emotionally influence people, though he doesnt like to. Like his powers, he’s cold, and is often in a bad mood on hot days. Unlike the other seasonal gods, his appearance is affected by his powers, with his white hair streaks having a snow-like effect when caught in light, and his blue eyes (even when covered with his shades) are the color of ice, and have little snowflakes in them.

Mystery is the god of, well, Mystery, and Mimicry. Real name Miguel “Miggs” Ortega, he has fairly straight forward powers. He can shapeshift into other people- not animals, teleport, go invisible, and mimic voices. Without the mask, he has an uncanny valley effect, with something always looking off, though nobody can ever pinpoint what. It actually hurts to look at him without the mask due to the fact hes just hard to process. Alongside that, his shadow is like peter pan’s (or that guy from princess and the frog), even though he’s quite sick of his shadow by now. He once tried to shapeshift into Peter’s civilian form to find out his identity, but is possibly more faceblind than Heinz and had no clue who he was, so he gave up with that plan. Outside of work, he’s a teacher, and a dumbass, with his closest work friend being a weirdly cold-skinned guy who reminds him of someone. (a god of mimicry with face blindness, how ironic). When visting family, he loves to prank his baby cousins with his powers, and help them prank the neighbours kids (and weirdly familiar uncle) in return.

Other, less important gods are Carl (Knowledge), Carla (Sight), Rodney (Animals), his son Orville (shapeshifting), some weird redhead (creativity), his equally weird son (light, an oc), Bannister (Music), his nonhuman daughter (Hypnotism, an oc), and some other villain kid ocs of mine.

this is a long post already but things i want to mention: -the day Linda found out she married a god. twice. (two wildly different powers) -the day Linda found out her child was a god. four times. (yes, four, so much destruction) -the day Lawrence found out his child was a god. twice. (yes, two, so many flowers) -Heinz finding out his infant daughter was essentially allergic to light and going mildly overboard with precautions. Perry had to talk him down from painting the walls black, he ended up compromising to just paint Vanessa’s room black. -Perry finding out infant ferb also had plant powers and being really proud about it -the amount of times Candace has probably set Perry on fire bc he was covered in flowers and she didnt realise -Perry unwillingly sprouting flowers around Heinz and Vanessa absolutely knowing the flower meanings. She has been bribed into silence by promises of receveing albums and hot topic merch. -Perry attaching a big umbrellary leaf to kid Vanessa’s backpack so she can go outside with shade (big sun hats work fine but heinz was almost overloading from worry so Perry stepped in to help)

67 notes · View notes

meduseld · 2 years

Note

your last au has me going through it 😭💔 does nick tell isaiah anything about ziggy? also is isaiah more like his mom or his dad? or both maybe? im sure its heartbreaking either way! ❤️

It has me going through it too (and work has been bonkers so yay, finally able to answer ur ask!)

I think Nick does, in vague terms, but always complimentary. Never a bad word. "I loved your mother and she loved you" "She was brave and bold and smart" and "Your mother would be proud". Isaiah catches on fairly early on that his mom is a) not dead b) his father is still in love with her and b) she wasn't married to his dad and that all that is ~hot gossip~ but he doesn't push it bc he loves his dad and thinks this would be hurtful, but also would be a bit afraid of the answers too. [Town ladies talk, and plenty tired to leverage "the boy needs a mother" into being a stepmom married to the most important man in town but Nick rebuffed them all bc he's still evidently in Love with Ziggy. So they talk shit about her too and Isaiah is a good listener, good at being unnoticed when it suits him].

Nick probably scrounged up photos of Ziggy too, to give to Isaiah, which he keeps on his nightstand. Nick was *truly* bowled over by the love he feels for his child, he's the first Goode man to actually love and care for his son as a person and son and not a Pact necessary inheritance/failsafe. Which while great and motivating and fulfilling, also hammered home how little his dad cared for him as a person and how morally bankrupt he really was. Nick is sweating the Pact because he loves his son and wants to save Isaiah's soul and future and doesn't want him tainted by this. See Satan thought that accepting Isaiah as Ziggy's "sacrifice" to be allowed to leave Sunnyvale meant that it would effectively baby trap Nick into the Pact because the Heir is Right There and he can't leave because of the Pact, it really brought home to Nick that he would do anything to save Isaiah from that fate *and* allowed Ziggy to gear up a return that ends the Pact and does save Isaiah.

I think that Isaiah, like a lot of kids, has both the best and the worst of his parents in him. He's strong and smart and brave. And like them, laser focused and committed. Which is great when it comes to goals, less so when he decides you've wronged him and are getting Revenged. On the surface he does seem a lot like Nick, since that's who raised him, Sunnyvale polite, but he's never been Will or Sheila style. He's quiet and studious and very very observant. That comes from some of Nick's not great traits: despite trying to be better, a lifetime of isolationist secrecy rubs off and Isaiah gets fast that there's a lot Not Being Talked about and all about Nick's extreme idea of discretion and the particular Goode family Omerta. So he's likeable, and has friends, but they are shallow bonds. No sleepovers, he would never dream of it and Nick wouldn't let it happen either. But he's very very good and getting and gathering information, listening at keyholes, going unnoticed to spy and because of that slyly manipulative to get the info and results he wants. People don't notice, except maybe Nick. He's the nice popular guy, the one you wish you hated but ugh no he's sweet, but again he doesn't do deep bonds and if he feels you deserve comeuppance he makes sure you get it....... and that no one ever knows Isaiah is behind it. That laser focused dedication again. He seems like the typical carefree handsome straight A class president who is friends with everybody, but underneath he is tightly controlled and calculated, aware of everything and keenly insightful, and faaaaaaaar more anxious than he seems. It's a very Batman and Bruce Wayne situation, in fact probably what Bruce would have been if his parents lived, by putting on the expected persona of the wealthy scion of the elite that totally isn't weird or into Stephen King or constantly freaking out. Just like Bruce Wayne is himself neuroatypical and probably mentally ill, which is hard to tell with the personas and drives he has built, Isaiah has a LOT of generational/genetic curses (not just the Satan bit that still has some influence but addiction issues on the Berman side and the health consequences of longterm stress marginalization and poverty that we know are passed down from mother to child. Trauma lasts ages and both his parents have that and generations of terrible parenting to get them there).

He's also got that Berman passion and tension, so on the outside he and his dad seem ultra tight and agreeing, and while they are super close, they clash a lot behind closed doors (very, YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, GAWD DAD YOU ARE SO ANNOYING style, not like actual fights. Bratty teen stuff). And while he does follow Nick's lead on propriety and such, he has Ziggy's laugh and smile, and sometimes he'll make a gesture that's so Ziggy that Nick needs to catch his breath from the way it hits him so hard. The first time he laughed, not a baby laugh but when it was his distinct laugh, Nick heard Ziggy and almost cried.

#nick x ziggy #more pain baby #fear street #goode family #isaiah has a better chance but #i think even after his dad's death and the curse ending #ziggy would see a lot of nick in him to her delight and also terror #he's never gonna be quite a hero but i think he'd be on the side of the angels

15 notes · View notes

tarrevizsla · 3 years

Note

idk if you've talked abt this before but what do you think tarre's feelings/reactions are regarding revan and their actions?

YES oh my god that

im gonna put this under a cut bc. yeah

i set up tarre as being about 500 years before revan in the timeline but their lineage is linked to revan's lineage so they almost blame themself for revan's actions especially when revan takes mandalore's mask, this all comes to a head about 2500 years later when the darksaber and revan's holocron are in the same part of the temple vault

see tarre, like most mando'ade, respects revan - their skill in battle, their strategy and strength, their willingness to sacrifice - but more than that she understands revan, one ex-jedi to another. tarre, more than anyone i think, understands why revan felt the need to go to war against the mandalorians - why they chose to leave the jedi and protect those they considered their people.

but seeing the destruction they brought to mandalore and mandalorians, seeing what revan and the exile did at malachor (mandalore the ultimate wielded the darksaber at malachor), the use of the mass shadow generator... like i said tarre understands revan. she knows the lengths people go to to protect that that they love - she has sacrificed much for justice herself. even so, tarre has never flirted with the dark side in the way that revan does, she's somewhere in the grey area of the force but not on the edge of falling like they were, she wouldn't have made that choice (even at war against the republic or the sith).

and the insult of taking mandalore's mask on top of the use of the msg - she can respect it as a political move, but as a mandalorian (a mandalore) she finds it incredibly rude. just as she understands revan, she knows they understand mandalorians, knows that they know what they've done by taking the mask. this is mitigated slightly when they return the mask to canderous ordo - she always had a soft spot for clan ordo - but it isn't the place of an aruetii to determine who gets mandalore's mask, even one with so much mandokar (because revan is one of the most mandokarla jedi, and most mandalorians would be honored to fight by their side as canderous did).

tarre has her own reasons to dislike mental manipulations, on top of generally regarding it as a bad move, so what the jedi council did to revan adds to her distaste for the jedi order even centuries after she left. despite what they did, she still wants to see revan come back to themself - they deserve to be their own person, at the least. everyone deserves that, even darth revan. she holds justice above all things, even vengeance (some would say that they’re the same thing, but tarre knows better) and revan must achieve their justice. (yes, tarre has absolutely been force-ghosting behind revan throughout their adventures, it’s the most entertaining thing since real housewives of mandalore was canceled).

now, here’s the other question - how does revan feel about tarre? and that is also a question with no easy answer - they can respect a mand’alor who was known as a powerful jedi and a fair and good ruler during their time, but they must also scorn someone who left the order, who led an army against the republic (even though they would as well), because the key difference between revan and tarre is that revan was always doing what they thought was best for the republic while tarre did everything she did for justice - mandalore second, but justice first and foremost. and you can get into the deeper implications of that line - i will not remove your mask until there is justice [...] so swears revan - but their justice was still through a republic view, not their own view.

tarre understands revan but revan cannot understand tarre, not for a long time - cannot understand turning their back on the republic and the jedi in the way she did (and this is deeply hypocritical, of course, coming from darth revan - but they still thought they were acting in the republic’s best interests when they were a sith, even as they led armies against the republic and killed jedi).

tarre was never spiteful the way revan could be, never angry - they were not calm but they were controlled, cold instead of fiery the way revan could be. their leadership styles were similar, but at the same time they couldn’t have been more different - tarre had friends where revan had followers and followers where revan had friends (tarre walked among their people when revan walked before them, revan was friends with their generals where tarre demanded (and had) their respect).

so many jedi followed revan over the edge to the dark side, and yet tarre had more friends on the other side, away from the jedi. again, revan had followers where tarre had friends - they didn’t get to know the revanchists or the sith, not truly. they were thrust into the role of leader (they chose it, and yet it was no choice - if they were not revan, then the galaxy would have fallen. this is known). they had no opportunity to rise, they simply were and were not at the same time - they were revan, they were the republic, they were nobody and everybody at once. they spent so much time defending the republic that they didn’t even defend themself, it was inevitable that they fell just as it was inevitable that the republic fell.

revan and tarre both had the habit of forming attachments, and those attachments led them both away from the jedi order (not from jedi teachings, however, which is an entirely different essay). revan’s attachment to the republic, tarre’s attachment to mandalore, and the way the jedi are both separate from the republic and part of its military force at once - both of them had to sacrifice some connection to the jedi to serve their people.

so when they meet, some 2500 years after revan lived, they meet as force ghosts - which is the only reason they don’t immediately throw hands; revan would love to fight another mand’alor and tarre isn’t about to go all ‘there is no emotion, there is peace’ with darth revan right there. instead they spend 50 years stuck in the same room sniping at each other, arguing with each other over tiny contradictions in jedi teachings and tactics in war and leadership. but even with the history between them and their respective peoples, there’s only so much arguing you can do before you start to understand each other, and so 50 years after they meet the arguing has become affable rather than angry.

there’s still a distance between them, that won’t go away - having worn out their arguments, their mutual respect for each other wins out, and they get to reasonable, rational discussions and even some agreements about the finer points of jedi morality (horse shit, your people and justice come first), the sith (make too much of a fuss about being opposite jedi), and even petty things like lightsaber forms (makashi is overwrought and ataru is the way to go to win). and if they ever met without the context of everything that happened between the jedi/republic and mandalore - everything that happened between tarre and the republic and revan and mandalore - they would hit it off fairly well, because their personalities are complementary.

in the end, tarre respects revan a great deal and vice versa. they are far more similar than they really want to think about, and both will always carry a resentment for each other but at the same time they understand each other’s decisions, the choices they made and everything that led them to these choices. if they had lived in the same era - tarre would have been a revanchist, that’s for sure, if she didn’t have ties on mandalore. even while she considered herself part of the jedi order, she thought they needed to be more powerful, more willing to do what had to be done - just like what revan did. revan achieved some things that tarre had dreamed of, and she recognizes and appreciates that.

so does tarre like revan? not really. but she does understand them, and in a way, that’s more important.

#this got. long #1365 words #tarre vizsla #revan #darth revan #sw meta #this is probably very confusing but in my defense it is one in the am

31 notes · View notes

vanhelsingenthusiast · 3 years

Note

.... Omg! Can you please give us analysis of each character and how they are portrayed in the book and then the movies?

Oohh ok! (I’m just gonna go thru the characters and how they are in the book vs how they are usually portrayed in adaptations. These things do not apply to every single adaptation, or even necessarily one specific adaptation, full disclosure, lol) (also this will be very long, so, it’s under the cut.)

Mina:

~ In the book: kind, sweet, caring, motivated, intelligent, interesting, funny. I could go on and on. The protagonist. She IS the moment. She could defeat Dracula without the men but the men could not defeat Dracula without her. I said what I said.

~ In adaptations: typically kind, but may or may not be any more intelligent than the men. Typically portrayed as a damsel in distress, though in the book she isn’t. Almost always Dracula’s love interest. Sometimes she even low-key betrays the Crew to help him. Her personality is very often reduced to one or two traits/archetypes so she can better fit the role of Dracula’s love interest.

Jonathan:

~ In the book: Damsel in distress. He can sometimes come across as boring, because he’s the only very average person in the book, but that’s because he’s supposed to be. It’s a compare and contrast type of thing. Even then, he’s incredibly brave, and incredibly determined. He represents the average person, rising up to the challenge.

~ In adaptations: oh, Jonathan?? You mean the only reason why Mina and Dracula can’t bone??? Yeah but it’s fine if Mina cheats a little bc also he’s an asshole for no reason :////

Lucy:

~ In the book: A delight. Absolute angel. Everyone loves her and she loves everyone but not always in the way they want. If she could she would move all of her friends into a little cottage and bake bread and make tea for them for the rest of forever. Part of the reason why her transformation into the Bloofer Lady is so scarring is because she was genuinely so good-hearted before that.

~ In adaptations: lol she has three suitors so she must be suuuuper promiscuous (side note: not a bad thing but most adaptations portray it as such), and also because of that she definitely wanted Dracula to turn her into a vampire.

Arthur:

~ In the book: Lucy’s fiancée. Also he’s fuckin loaded so he helps fund the whole expedition. Interpretations of him change kinda drastically because he’s not given much canon personality or back story, but he’s overall a pretty decent guy. He can be mean but, like, in a loving way.

~ In adaptations: if he’s there at all he’s usually Just Some Guy. Which, like. fair.

Jack:

~ In the book: a psychiatrist who desperately needs to see a psychiatrist but he is not self aware enough to know this. Used to be Van Helsing’s student. He definitely can be an ass (especially to Renfield), but it’s usually more that he just doesn’t think how his actions affect other people all the way through than him actively being a terrible person on purpose, if that makes sense. Him and his interest in science and technology symbolize the heralding of the new age, which is in contrast with Dracula, who is only ever “living” in the past (bedum tsss).

~ In adaptations: sometimes he’s Van Helsing’s peer rather than ex-student. Usually he doesn’t still keep a phonograph, or even an active interest in technology, which is...a disservice. He can either be nice, or mean, usually not very nuanced or interesting. Honestly I feel like usually in adaptations he’s kinda just used as the gap to get Van Helsing there and then he does nothing after that.

Quincey:

~ In the book: literally the guy who kills Dracula. A Texan, as well, which seems funny now but at the time it was a fairly common trope to add in a foreigner. He’s pretty calm always, especially in a crisis, and also willing to step up and do whatever’s needed of him. And, again, he literally kills Dracula. Easily one of the more important characters in the book, except he doesn’t keep a diary so most people don’t acknowledge this. Also at one point it’s stated he’s rich af iirc so that’s funny.

~ In adaptations: what do you mean we should add the guy who killed Dracula??? Nah it’ll be fine without him

Van Helsing:

~ In the book: he’s the hero of the story (not the protagonist, that’s separate). Him and Dracula are character foils. He’s the guy who knows everything about vampires, and also the guy who specifically knows how to stop Dracula. Even then, he isn’t a professional vampire hunter, or even, like, an expert. He just happens to know a shit ton about this. His name means “father of multitudes” and he is the Designated Dad of the group. He probably makes everyone hot cocoa and tells them weird stories about spiders drinking oil from lamps after a long day.

~ In adaptations: murder grandpa is an asshole who also has no idea what he’s talking about because it makes Dracula look better

Count Dracula:

~ In the book: the villain. He could represent a lot of things — anything from a plague, to the past creeping up and not staying buried where it should, to Stoker’s internalized homophobia, to Stoker’s own xenophobia or antisemitism, or all of the above, or none. He has a lot of layers and each layer is a new level of villainy. We don’t know a lot about him, admittedly — who he was in life, why he became a vampire, what all of his powers are, or even his motivations for coming to London. He can represent any evil we want at all, which makes him a very affective villain. Also he’s supposedly related to Atilla the Hun which is funny af to me for no reason

~ In adaptations: incel!Vlad III

Renfield:

~ In the book: admittedly, he does not have much baring on the plot. He tends to act as a meter for how close Dracula is at any given moment, until his death when Mina takes over that role. However, he introduces many themes and topics into the story: insanity, corruption, idealization of evil, etc., and he and Lucy work together to showcase how vampirism corrupts and how it can destroy even relatively innocent people. Even though Renfield has a bit of a reputation of being violent and volatile, he only ever really does something violent once, which wasn’t even entirely of his own volition and he sacrifices himself for the greater good.

~ In adaptations: oh no scary evil insane man1!!11! he’s obviously just horrible it’s not like Dracula is manipulating him!11!! if Dracula were to manipulate him then Dracula wouldn’t be a sympathetic antihero :(((

The Three Weird Sisters:

~ In the book: the antithesis to Lucy’s suitors. They are supposed to be seductive, and dangerous, above all. They might be Dracula’s victims, or they could be some other vampires unrelated, we don’t really know. Not much is said about them and that’s likely very much on purpose. They have the same air of mystery about them as Dracula does, if not more. A lot of the horror in this book is based in the fear of the unknown.

~ In adaptations: walking boobs with fangs. Usually so much is changed about the story that none of the above is even relevant or can be applied to them.

Anyways thanks for the ask and I hope this answers your question :)

#ask #lol i’m sorry this is so long #but this was a lot of fun to write omg

34 notes · View notes