#like earnestly i think its kind of super important to talk about

[piglii]

btw I have not finished Umineko (I’m literally on the last leg of Episode 8, shortly after an important jump happens) but I’m so gushing with things to say about that I feel like I need to type this all out now (will start with impressions that are non-spoilery and go into impressions that are big spoilers. there will be a dividing line which I earnestly recommend you do not cross if you have any interest reading it yourself.)

anyways

Non-Spoiler Section

Absolutely 10/10 for me. Can feel like a climb at times but that feeling increasingly goes away as you get used to the pacing. Any fumbles Umineko has for me personally are so small in the grander scope of what it’s doing that it doesn’t even feel worth acknowledging them. Literally a story that is going to affect my view on life. I really fell for the charm of Ryukishi’s goofy ass old sprites too after a while, it’s really compelling to me that Ryukishi was able to make such a good, earnest story while having kind of limited drawing ability. I’m dead ass serious, it’s really inspirational. The quality of the writing and voice acting especially is so good that after a short while you kind of don’t even process that the sprites look kind of silly-goofy at all. I highly recommend playing with the original sprites and voice acting if you can.

And the music! holy shit I can’t imagine getting through this story without the music! The fucking 1800′s pipe organ songs one minute, intense trance the next, distorted choir singing, a mellow beat that’s sampling that fucking ambulance siren! Probably my top faves are Infant Queen Bee, Golden Nocturne, far, Rain, Daydream’s End, Fall, Miragecoordinator, Melting Away, Dead Angle, Hope and probably like 15 more I’m forgetting. Absolute banger of a soundtrack. Virtually no misses and the ones that hit, HIT. I think I have spent nearly as much time listening to the soundtrack in between sessions as I have just playing the game itself.

I won’t go into detail about what the central messages of Umineko are because they could ostensibly be spoilers but they are pretty fucking hard to miss. If you have two eyeballs and a brain you will probably figure them out as you go because Ryukishi is NOT subtle about what he wants to say. He will smash you with a hammer making sure you get it. But it’s less of a giant metal warhammer and more of a little wooden mallet that he’s just hitting on your knee every 20 minutes to make sure you’re awake and following along.

The writing honestly can be very... it straddles the line between very straightforward descriptions and waxing very poetic about a particular topic. I won’t even say it’s particularly the best prose ever or anything - I think Ryukishi’s biggest talent is simply in how he’s able to convey the characters by always having a really solid understanding of how they react to things. Maybe his worst flaw is that sometimes he includes a scene or concept where I’m like  “oh Ryukishi just thought this would be super fucking cool” but I can’t even hate because most of the time it is super fucking cool actually. Umineko is so dripping with earnest cheesiness in a lot of its delivery and character interactions that I can’t help but like it most of the time. Granted I am biased because I do enjoy stuff that is earnestly cheesy like 90% of the time. The goofy ass anime interactions characters sometimes have are used just sparingly enough and contrasted with the serious scenes that I found pretty much all of it enjoyable for what it was. 

Be warned it is 150+ hours (faster if you are just reading but seriously those voice actors are top tier, big recommend) but it really needs... at least most of that time. I struggle to find a single exact point that I would shorten any part of Umineko because so much of it really is required to understand what the story’s going for but at the same time sometimes Ryukishi does love to sit you down and talk about the process of liquidating gold into cash money for 30 minutes. A lot of the worst of that is in the first episode to be honest so if you can get past that you’re probably golden. It’s got a hell of a hook by the end of episode 1. Go in as blind as possible and enjoy yourself.

 And now, for the spoilers.

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Spoiler Section

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Don’t Go Beyond This Point If You Haven’t Read It, Seriously Holy Fuck!!!

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Seriously, The Author Wants You To Go In Blind!

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Alright.

All the losers are gone let’s partay.

Heads up I’m a little blasted so this might be a bit scrambled and all around the place so sorry, just writing stuff as I think about it.

I really adore the way that Beatrice is in literally every layer of this story. Like the concept of the masses being in such a rush to figure out what the truth of the Rokkenjima Massacre is that they end up literally trampling over the deeply embedded and sad story of Beatrice really gets to me. Like, the people who are looking at the Massacre from the angle that she even “exists” at all literally only see Beatrice as a piece in their own constructed games, an explanation that’s just one step to figuring out what was really important. But of course, Beatrice IS the heart of the story. The whole family is arranged around her like a web and she’s right at the center. She’s in every possible layer of this story that she can be, she’s the connecting fabric of everything important.

Also I really adored Battler and Ange as characters. It’s rare that a main character feels so relatable but I ended up really enjoying his personality by around episode 2 or 3. He’s just so stupid but also earnest and flustered. Try to give him a slight pass on episode 1 because he is supposed to be kind of dumb and immature on purpose... even if it probably could’ve been toned down maybe just a bit. He gets better, I promise.

(btw literally been here. so relatable.)

anyways moving on. Ange. absolutely enjoyed the hell out of her story in episode 4 and was so glad to see that she’s basically the conclusion to the whole Ushiromiya family story in the final episode as well. also, her being the focus of this really inspirational message of what it means to move forward with your life was really well done. it’s insane to me that people are still out there trying to “figure out” the mystery when Umineko tells you as bluntly as it possibly can that it doesn’t really matter - finding out what “really” happened can’t bring closure no matter what and holding and walking this tenuous tightrope between belief and non-belief is a better way to live. her goodbye with the family and battler was about where it got me pretty good I could not fucking hold back crying at that.

and speaking of the family at large, I really like pretty much all of them! even the stinkers are fun to make fun of. also, Eva in particular is the milf of all time for me, personally. in fact thinking on it the only character I can really think that still rubs me badly (even though it is of course entirely intentional that the reader feels this way) is Rosa. good fucking lord the moments of episode 4 with Maria and Rosa’s relationship being explored (or rather, the complete lack of it except for the spouts of child abuse) really hit me. that... is probably the most I’ve ever been emotionally effected by a piece of media in a long ass time, it was a rough chapter to get through. that said ryukishi’s understanding of domestic abuse is fucking incredible, does not surprise me that he was a social worker before working on VNs. beyond even just that dynamic he clearly has an understanding of the kind of broken adults that come out of highly abusive households. the final game of episode 8 with ange getting to see this world that could theoretically have been real had kinzo chosen love in the future versus love in the past was so sincerely sweet to me. sorry I am a sucker for sappy shit, it got me.

anyways let’s talk about the illusions. loved them all too. feels obvious to say but Beatrice is one of the characters of all time. also really liked Ronove, his and battler’s occasional moments of being bros out of nowhere were really enjoyable to me. also sorry gamers Virgilia is another milf of all time. loved her tender and sweet personality. but as for beatrice and co as a whole - I do enjoy what Ryukishi has to say about fiction. Indulging too much of your life in fiction is ultimately harmful but it can be a valuable crutch to people who are dealing with life or even just people who could stand to learn and grow more. it’s also such a loving letter to mystery as a genre, you can really tell Ryukishi was going hog for mystery at the time. and it does work as a completely conventional mystery too - figuring out stuff as you go and putting the pieces slowly together is a huge blast! I loved the scenes where he’s clearly celebrating that with the readers who tried their best to understand the story.

I managed to avoid most spoilers - the ones I saw beforehand were really minor and didn’t really help me in putting the mystery together - that said, I really only figured out that Shannon and Kanon were being performed by the same person not terribly long before the game revealed it pretty directly - I think only a few hours ahead of time. that said, I really did give it my all, I’m just not super good at mysteries. I did pick up on some hints early on, like being able to figure out some of the early closed rooms but I didn’t have enough context to join them all together and realize the Truth before the game spelled it out for me. and tbh, that’s fine! I loved how the game congratulated people who simply try to figure it out for themselves, regardless of if they’re successful.

btw it also took me so fucking long to read because I was reading it side by side with a friend (who had read the manga but not the VN) and we basically set it up to auto play (with japanese voice acting + the original sprites of course.) we’d play intermittently roughly every few months in leaps and progress little by little. I can’t fucking believe I wasn’t spoiled on any of the major elements playing like that, it’s a fucking miracle. we started reading it on and off like that nearly two years ago now but honestly it was worth.

god I have so many thing I could spend rambling on about this manga but it genuinely is up there with, like, War and Peace and Crime and Punishment and I’m not even joking. there’s some of what I would call “Goofy Anime Bullshit” that happens (and it’s especially coated in that layer of stuff you only really got in the late aughts anime communities) but even that I found pretty enjoyably silly after a short period of time and just ended up rolling with it. if you know someone who can see past that layer of Goofy Anime Bullshit and enjoys reading 150+ hour long visual novels, this is the thing for them.

and speaking of the length boy fucking howdy. it’s worth it. the amount of time dedicated to fleshing out every character and making me understand what kind of person they are underneath everything else really makes me appreciate everybody in this fucked up family unit. it’s not something you could replicate in a movie or any reasonably lengthy manga. the magic of getting to know the whole family, flaws and all, really sells you on what a tragedy it is regardless of what happened. there are so many early scenes where I was like, “okay what’s the point of this” that I look back in hindsight and I’m either like "oh that was actually super fucking important and I just didn’t realize it” or “oh this was giving me time to become familiar with this character.” fuck man, I even liked Hideyoshi and he almost didn’t do shit!

btw I got the culprits in bernkastel’s game figured out in one try (with the help of my friend bouncing ideas off of eachother)

feels good, feels organic, thank you, etc

anyways... I think that about wraps it up for me... honestly just a stellar game. It feels like one of those things where I’m going to catch myself thinking about the themes and what it was trying to say, just like Disco Elysium or a lot of Wildbow’s works or EEAAO. It almost makes me wish this story was in a more conventional book form because I think you could tell the core of what’s there but at the same time I don’t think it’d be worth losing all the other aspects that make it so memorable. It’s going to have probably 1/100th the readers it could have just for being a long VN rather than a long book series but I’d honestly rather have it this way. It’s such a weirdly specific gem of that era of internet-anime culture that I think the time has already passed that anything quite like it could come out. What a special little piece of media.  If I have more to say after finishing out the ending proper I‘ll probably just edit my impressions on to this post and reblog again at a later date.

EDIT: It is now two days later and I have finished everything, including the last “????” segment. My thoughts on the ending - I liked it. It’s very sweet and depending on how you want to interpret certain facets of what you see, it can be read several different ways. Of course the way the narrative is set up, it very much wants you to pick the most optimistic interpretation but I like that there’s always room to explore just a bit. The point of whether Beatrice as a witch is real or not is entirely beside the point almost - there was a woman named Beatrice who brought happiness to her family (at least, in one world) as well as she could given her fucked up circumstances. That’s honestly all there really is to say on it. I can very much vibe with that message.

I was also earnestly expecting the last scene of Umineko to be even more bittersweet than it ended up being - I was really waiting for the very last scene to be Ange literally throwing away the key to Eva’s diary into the ocean. That is kind of what happens in a way, and the scenes in which they do explore Ange opening the diary and reading it are left deliberately obscure (as they should be) but I was really expecting it to be even more poignant than that. I was thinking Ange would literally never see the diary in any part of the story the reader saw at any point. It would’ve been very Titanic-esque in a way - Ange throwing away the only way for her to even possibly know what happened on Rokkenjima. The story does effectively do this, kind of, anyways, it’s just a lot more roundabout.

But yeah. Supremely sweet story. I will probably be thinking about it for much of my life.

[maid-of-the-golden-deer]

to actually gather my thoughts about the triangle strategy demo: 

gameplaywise, its fun, i very obviously like tactical rpgs lol.

in many ways it feels like a HARD course correction from octopath (in terms of story + character, the gameplay genres are obv different). like theres 9 main characters, but unlike octopath where you could only find out their story connection in the post game, you get them all really early and have some connection to the plot at hand. i especially enjoy the voting mechanic- it has a chance of becoming annoying (like if EVERY major choice is made like that it will get old), but compared to many other rpgs where characters will follow the protagonist to places they absolutely would never go to just bc game mechanics, its neat.

it also is clearly trying to go for “big ensemble cast, but one narrative”, and in some ways it seems geared up to succeed at this. everyone feels like they belong there. but, unless the writing gets much, much cleverer or there are some fun twists down the line. my god it is dumbed down. like the first or second narration tells you the peace negotiations are going to go tits up, right? then why does every. character. you. talk. to. go. like. “hmmmm these make me nervous u know ppl in power are sneaky i dont think this will go good haha lol dont mind me actually”. like just have some people acting suspicious or saying things seemingly counter to everyones “shared” goal. it just beats you over the head with the rlly fucking obvious fact its gonna go wrong bc this is an tactical rpg so u need a war in order to have battles to fight. its a given. its not like its a game intended for young kids. even if u had to spell it out there are much smoother ways to do it. everything in the game is honestly repeated at you endlessly in really blunt ways, its tiresome.

 and the big elephant in the room is. well. under the cut for discussions of racism and specifically Islamaphobia:

for firstly, im a little sick and tired of the rpg (and specifically jrpg) thing where its like “fantasy racism except its mostly against conventionally attractive anime women who have like, a different hair color” (the rosalle or whatever theyre called). like yes it is a real world thing for non traditional features to be demonized but like actually DO that instead of just giving them pink hair and calling it a night. like a LOT of the oomph in frederica scenes are undercut due to that. shes a hot, skinny as a toothpick-with-still-prominent-breasts white lady, and her hair is just pink. thats fucking it. if ur gonna make this point, fucking commit. but its not even about the message, its just about giving a main character a tragic backstory, bc thats all racism is to a lot of game writers especially

the even BIGGER issue tho, is hyzante. thats the path i chose to take for my first playthrough of the demo, and i noticed some. Issues. like its clearly an Islamic inspired region, like i recognized those geometric tiles immediately (and thats just bc i know art history, the orientalist way the characters are drawn, the stock standard music, everything, reeks of the inspiration in a way that isnt flattering, but what do u expect from these people [looks at primose and where u meet her with a glare]). theyre considered the most “advanced” nation of the three in the game, which SHOULD be a good thing, but the plot if thats where you choose to go? the (all lily white, european inspired) protagonists discover that their peaceful way of life and religion are actually oppressive and only function by tight control of the people. the native religion of the Arabic inspired region is oppressive to free thought and self expression, and it based on strict rules one cannot stray from.

you’re picking up what im putting down, yeah?

to add the cherry on top, the ones responsible for + the most active participant in the aforementioned fantasy racism against pretty white ladies with pink hair? the Arabic inspired people, who are like the ONLY group in the game to have characters who arent freshly fallen snow white, are the main racists in the game. cool cool awessssome.

like honestly, id be willing to believe its just extremely harmful ignorance and the writers + artists werent making this connection but the “ignorance” part of “harmful ignorance” doesnt reduce the “harm” part, especially from a company and genre that seems personally hellbent on ensuring orientalism never dies

[dennou-translations]

Tokushima Shinbun Interview with Yano Shougo

Interviewing Yano Shougo-san, who has starred for the first time in the topical anime “Given” and is originally from Tokushima. “I wanted to be an actor that would make people go, ‘I’m glad I entrusted the role to him’.”

Yano Shougo-san (30), who is from Tokushima and belongs to the troupe Super Eccentric Theater (SET), played a starring role for the first time as a voice actor in the anime “Given”, which aired from July to September on Fuji TV. “Given” is a heartrending story that centers itself around a romance between men from the same rock band. Having received high evaluations for his acting and singing voice, which portrayed with excellence the delicate emotions of the protagonist, Satou Mafuyu, Yano-san has told us about the feelings he put into the role and about his future goals.

Raw || Index || Ko-fi/PayPal ( ╹◡╹)っ’･*

——Good job on your first starring. Please tell us again about your impressions from when you were entrusted with the leading role.

Thank you very much. Playing a leading role in an anime series was my goal for 2019, so when my manager contacted me saying that I had passed the audition, I was happy to the point of shedding tears, but at the same time, I was also relieved. I could not sleep a wink the day before the recording of episode one, and at any rate, I was nervous. On the recording day, I was thinking as I headed to the studio, “It’d be great if the recording were tomorrow”, but I got over it a little by the moment that I thought, “If this anxiety would continue until tomorrow, then it’s actually better for it to be today!” and I remember relaxing straight away at it

——Yano-san, your fragile voice was a perfect fit for Mafuyu. What did you keep in mind when performing him? Were there any points that differed greatly in comparison to the roles you have been playing until now?

Mafuyu has an extremely painful past, unable to move a single step from where he was, as he bore a huge wound. Still, he has proper thoughts and feelings of his own, as well as a stubborn side, and though he has a mild and introverted personality, I figured that he was someone who had a strong core.

Other than that, when I saw him playing basketball with his friends, smiling and earnestly absorbing himself completely in music, I had the impression that he was a “high school boy that you can find anywhere”. This was something I always cherished when performing.

I have played uke roles before, but this was the first one where so many of my lines were “...” (laughs).

——What parts of Mafuyu do you think you have in common, Yano-san, and what parts are the total opposite of you?

I think we are just a little bit alike in that we are greedy about the things we like, and we are unable to concentrate on anything else when there is something that we need to do our best in order to achieve. What I feel to be the opposite is that Mafuyu gives off the impression that he is a big shot in some way, even without speaking much, while I am talkative and shy (laughs).

——You were also in charge of singing the insert song and ending theme song.

I knew ever since the audition phase just how essential Mafuyu’s song was for the series, so rather than my being happy about singing, the pressure was much more prominent. As a matter of course, the frequency of my voice training soon increased, and learned the basics and techniques of singing as much as time allowed me to. When I was first told about the composition, I thought, “This song was made for Mafuyu’s sake”. That is exactly why, rather than the technique, I reflected about why and how Mafuyu would be singing those lyrics, as well as the emotions that would be overflowing from him, and I thought I should sing it with care, without sugarcoating it.

——What did you keep in mind when singing as Mafuyu?

The song that Mafuyu sings bears his definite resolve to face his past and live in the present, thus I believed that I had to make it into something like a love confession, so to say - a song that could be sung because Mafuyu was the one doing it. For this, of course, technique was important, but I kept in mind that it would be okay even if it was rough-hewn or even if my voice faltered, as long as I sang in a way that would spit out everything Mafuyu had been shouldering.

——Although Noitamina has produced countless master piece animes, this has been their first Boys Love (BL), a series that depicts romance between males, so was there anything you were particularly conscious of when performing?

There was not. Just as I do when performing roles from other series, I performed while keeping in mind that I was going to live in the world of “Given” as Mafuyu with all my might.

——I believe there was such a huge response to “Given” due to its painful content, but did it get to your ears?

There are many fans of the original work not only in Japan but also overseas, so I became aware once again of the popularity of “Given”. That is just how high the expectations were for the anime adaptation, and I wanted people to like it even more when watching the anime, so I was truly happy when I actually did get evaluations like that on Twitter, etc.

——The airing of the anime “Given” is over, but a movie adaptation was green-lit. Please leave a message for the fans.

The story of “Given” will continue from now on too. I hope everyone can watch over what kind of sounds will come from Mafuyu’s song, Given’s (as in the band that Mafuyu and the others formed in the show) music and their romance from now onward.

——From here on out, Yano-san, I want to ask you about yourself. It seems you wanted to be an announcer at first.

I had the vague desire to move into the television business, and from yet another vague motive of wanting to become an announcer and engage with my favorite variety show, I started thinking in my third year of high school that I wanted to be an announcer.

——Why did you aim for voice actor from there?

After graduating from high school, I took a gap year in order to attend university, and during that time, I watched “Neon Genesis Evangelion” as per a friend’s recommendation, so with this as the trigger, I became interested in anime. I had almost never watched anime until then and was unfamiliar with voice actors, so I was shocked when I read in the end roll that Ogata Megumi-san was the one who played the role of Ikari Shinji, a boy, thus I became interested in them.

——Was there anything you put effort into in order to become a voice actor?

During my gap year, I watched many animes, looked up the voice actors that piqued my curiosity and imitated their acting, and performed lines from anime and manga with as much emotion as I could. I also bought a training book for becoming a voice actor and practiced enunciation while keeping it a secret from my family.

——What are the details of your joining SET?

I was was part of a the theater research association in university, but when I was in my fourth year, I once gave up the way of an actor and went job hunting. Even so, I wanted to have a job that was related to acting, so I took the recruitment test of a major production company hoping to become a manager, but during the individual interview, the person in charge told me, “Are you really all right with giving up on becoming an actor? If you want to be a voice actor, then go study theatre”.

And so, I began wanting to challenge myself one more time, so I stopped job hunting and after looking into audition magazines, I took an audition to become a research student of SET, where I could learn the essentials for musical, action and comedic theatre. I became a research student at 23, and after about a year of lessons and a graduation performance, I became an official member at the age of 24.

——Please tell us about the works and roles you did before your voice actor debut.

During my first year in becoming a troupe member, I played the role of Saburou, the protagonist of the TV anime “Nobunaga Kyousoukyoku”, as a motion actor - the kind of actor who does the gestures that are used as base for the characters’ movements.

I also participated in the troupe’s own public performance. It was a role where I had to drink coffee and say only one phrase, “It’s sweet”. It was a sentence that connected with a funny punchline, so I had been thinking all along about how I should act it out in order to induce laughter, and even during the performance, I did many attempts.

——After that, you debuted as a voice actor in the anime “Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V”.

When I was selected, I was really happy to be able to take the voice acting job that I had once given up on. I was brimming with confidence for some reason, even though I had no experience points. But when I went to the studio, I was no good at all; I would get nervous every week and had to stay overtime a lot, so I honestly hated going to the studio (laughs). Even so, thanks to the director and all the co-stars not throwing away someone like me, who did not know left and right, and instead nurturing me during the three years of “Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V”, I changed my thinking and posture in regards of acting.

——Afterward, you became capable of being entrusted with important roles, such as in “iDOLM@STER SideM” and “Tsurune —Kazemai Koukou Kyuudoubu—“, but were there any parts of them where you could feel your own growth?

In that I started thinking it was fun to perform. Even now, I still get nervous when going on-site, but as I would read the script, think about the role and create a foundation for my acting, I feel like I have become able to perform in front of the mic by responding to the acting of the person playing the other role, without thinking about unnecessary things, little by little. The moment I feel that the air has set to motion and it has turned into a drama is, if nothing else, enjoyable. I started having challenges, aspirations and goals for myself, such as, “I want to perform like this more” or, “I could bring this role into life more if I performed like that”.

——What are the fun and difficult parts of voice acting? Please tell us about your future goals too.

I believe the fun in being a voice actor is that we can perform roles that would be difficult in filming or on a stage.

There are many things that you can only learn in a recording site. When I go to them, I find a whole lot of people who are better at acting than I am, so I have to earn a role for myself. I fail most of my auditions and get depressed each time. Even so, I want to keep showing up in those series and play a role that moves the story. I always strongly think that I want to become an actor who can make people go, “I want to use Yano for this” and, “I’m glad I entrusted this role to Yano”.

——From now on, between actor and voice actor, which one to you plan to put more strength into?

Voice actor. That being said, in order to broaden my ranges as an actor too, I think I have to take on all kinds of jobs that require technique for different facial expressions on-stage. For us voice actors, charming people are mostly those who are also charismatic on the stage, so I think I also want to become a charming actor.

——Are you able to return to Tokushima regularly even now?

I make sure to go back as often as I can during summer vacation and New Years.

——Are there any parts of your life in Tokushima that have been put to good use in your acting jobs?

I seldom have any chance to come in contact with anything related to acting in Tokushima. Even if I had interest in voice actors and acting, wanted to attend a training school or thought about going to watch a play, they were all things that could not come true if I stayed in Tokushima. That is why I created many opportunities to come in contact with acting after moving to Tokyo, such as joining my university’s theatre research association and attending a school where I could study voice acting. I think I could cultivate something like a hungry spirit exactly because I used to live in Tokushima.

——If there is anything or any place in Tokushima that you like, please tell us.

Awa Dance, I guess. I did not like it that much when I was little, but after I became an adult, the group dance I watched from a box seat was stunning, and it made me so emotional that I started crying.

Also, the park that my grandfather often took me to when I was a child, though I don’t know if it still exists. I would put rice balls and pickled horseradish in a big plastic container and go there. I have memories of eating them with cold tea from a polyethylene teapot with my grandfather, after playing badminton. I want to do the same with my children and grandchildren when I become a parent and a grandpa.

——Yano-san, since you have made your dream come true, please leave a message to the young people who are chasing their dreams in Tokushima.

Time passes in a flash. For now, please do what you can with all your might. It can be anything, like classes, club activities, cultural festivals, sports festivals or romance.

If there is anything you can work your hardest in over there, please try facing it with all you have. It will certainly become a sustenance for your life from this point onward. I believe that it is better to do something and regret it than to regret not having done it.

Should there be anyone aiming to become an actor, please take action while constantly thinking about how you can get closer to the future that you have as your goal. I think there are surely many things you can do even if you are in Tokushima.

If you do not know what you should do after doing a research and reflecting on it, have courage and go consult someone who can give advice. Nothing is in vain, but rather than spending time not thinking about anything, I believe that spending time thinking about whatever is more worthwhile.

Please do your best. I will do my best too.

——Please leave a message for the fans who are cheering for you from Tokushima.

Thank you so very much for supporting me. The other day, when I took part in a recital play being held in Tokushima, I was able to show my acting to my family for the first time. They were very pleased.

Most events are held in the Tokyo Metropolitan Area, so I believe that people cannot go watch them even if they want to. My wish for more and more people to experience an event in Tokushima and see me working has become even stronger.

I will be doing my best from now on too in order to be able to take part in more series, play all kinds of roles, get to do an event in Tokushima again someday and have people come talk to me. I will be counting with your continued support from this point onward too.

[lanshappycorner]

Capturing The Merman

Pairing: Deuce/Ace ♠️❤ || Word count: ~2.2K || Synopsis: Ace went out to the ocean super early in the morning, went whoosh and fell in, suddenly hamsome merman Deuce saves him and hes oolala in love ✨

Ace wasn't sure what had prompted him to wander out into the docks so early in the morning. Dawn had just broken, and the sky was an ethereal orange pink hue, fading into the vast cloudy, blue sky. He stood in his spot, unsure of what to do. To sit, to stand, to swim? He wasn't sure.

He settled for sitting at the edge of the dock, setting his slippers aside as he dipped his feet in the water, shivering as his feet was submerged in the cold icy waters, cooled through the night's chilling temperatures. There was a comfortable silence as he kicked at the water lightly, enjoying the crisp sea air. Wind raked through his orange locks gently, and he couldn't help but stare off into the sea.

He wondered what secrets it held, what lurked beneath those dark stormy waters. He recalled his brother telling him tales of beautiful creatures dwelling underneath the sea, half human, half fish. Such creatures lured innocent humans to their deaths with their alluring voices, although there were various other versions of the story, where they lived in hiding, more peaceful than not.

Letting out a sigh, Ace spoke to himself, unsure of why exactly he was even bothering to voice his thoughts, "I wish I could see a mermaid...just once in my life would be enough."

SPLASH!

Ace felt his body jolt at the sudden noise, and he retracted his feet back onto the dock. What the hell was that? It was probably some type of fish right? Or a bird had swooped into the sea. Or perhaps it was a....

...No. He was growing paranoid. He was never the type to believe in the supernatural anyways, how could anyone live in the sea? Ace laughed, standing up as he shook his head, letting his thoughts dissolve to the sound of crashing waves.

"Who am I kidding? There's no way mermaids exist—whoa!" Ace's eyes widened for a fraction of a centimeter as he felt himself slipping on the puddle that had begun to form around his feet. He fell back, plunging into the ocean with a deafening splash.

He felt as if time had momentarily paused, suspending him in the sea, his world turning dark with the murkiness of the ocean, which abruptly had taken his breath away. It was not because of the water that had begun to fill up his lungs, no, it wasn't quite that simple.

As he felt himself sinking into the depths of the ocean, his limbs failing him from swimming to safety, a soft humming, a gentle lullaby reached his ears, the most enchanting voice he had ever heard. What soon greeted him after was the feel of slender, yet strong arms wrapping around his body, and a luminesce pair of teal eyes.

"Mer...maid...?"

—✨✨ line break ✨✨—

Ace had woken up in a fit of coughs, forcing water out of his system. He laid on his back on the dock, his sight still blurry, and he felt himself growing teary as he attempted to adjust his vision. There was someone beside him, a blurry blue figure. Once they had noticed him looking to them, they quickly dove back into the ocean, and it didn't take Ace very long to figure out what exactly had saved him.

However, by the time he'd regained his bearings entirely, the figure was long gone, and he fixed his eyes onto the sea, a certain feeling welling up in his chest. Excitement? Thrill? He couldn't be sure. Grabbing his bag, he ran home, sopping wet, yet a wide grin was plastered all over his face. He'd come back tomorrow, and this time for sure he'd catch the mermaid.

The next day, he came back again, however this time, with full intentions of finding the mermaid that had saved him. He couldn't be sure that it would appear again—perhaps that was only a one time thing, who knows, but he wanted at least one good glimpse of it. It was truly a shame his sight had been messed up the other day.

He recalled yesterday's incident, and how shortly before he'd fallen, he had mentioned wanting to see a mermaid. If the splash really had been it, then it probably understood human language. If anything, maybe if he called out for it again, it would respond.

It was a long shot, but worth a try.

"Hey! I don't know if you're out there...or if you can hear me, but...it's me! The person who fell in yesterday," His cheeks burned in embarrassment as he realized what he was doing. It was quite early in the morning, so no one was around, but he feared that if someone saw him talking to himself, they'd think he was out of his mind. "I-I wanted to thank you. So if you're out there...please show yourself, I'd like to properly talk to you."

An uncomfortable silence lingered in the air as he stared off into the unmoving waters, and sighed once more, sitting back on the docks, dipping his feet in the water. Yeah, he expected just as much. It wasn't like the creature would just show itself if he politely asked—

"For someone who fell in yesterday, it's quite bold of you to come back. Aren't you scared?"

Ace gasped as he straightened up in his seat, looking around. There was no one there, and the sea...it was still, yet he had a feeling there was something lurking underneath. The voice was somewhat muffled by water, but it was clear to tell that it was not the voice of a woman. So...perhaps...a merman? Ace supposed that made sense.

He tried to keep the excitement out of his voice, and attempted to reply calmly, "I'm not scared. I can swim, that was just...a one time thing."

There was an amused tone in the merman's voice as he replied, yet Ace found himself glued to every single one of the male's words. "What if I drag you in?"

"You saved me yesterday, it would make no sense to kill me now." Ace swiftly responded, "Anyway, I'm here to offer my thanks, but I don't appreciate talking to the air, so if you could come out, that would be great."

The water shifted, and Ace found his breath hitching as a figure rose from the water. Its body leaned against the front of his legs, propping its arms on his knees. There was absolutely no distance between him and the creature, and at that moment, Ace realized.

Oh my god, I like men.

Before him was what he deemed to be the most beautiful being he had ever seen in his life. The merman was fair skinned, with delicate yet sharp features. He had small, dainty lips, and a pair of gorgeous teal eyes, and dark blue hair, dripping with water, a couple of strands sticking to his face. The merman was quite lean, but it was clear that he did have some muscle, at least that was what Ace could discern from the feel against his legs. If Ace hadn't known any better, he'd have described the merman to be a fanfiction love interest come to life.

Nooo haha don't look at me like that or I'll have to kiss you <33

Jokes aside, the merman's eyes truly were striking in every single way. Ace found that his cheeks had grown red as the creature stared at him, waiting for him to say something, "I uh...I'm Ace. Ace Trappola."

The merman smiled at him (and Ace's heart soared), "Ace Trappola...I've never heard anyone named that before. It's a good name. I'm Deuce Spade."

"Then...thanks for saving me Deuce." Ace said, carefully reaching out as if he were about to pat Deuce's head. He flushed, would that be appropriate? Did Deuce mind being touched? No, if anything, the merman was the one close to him right now, so it was fine right? Or was Ace overthinking?

Deuce noticed Ace's distress, and tilted his head, "It's okay, you can touch me." Normally, Deuce wasn't a very touchy person, however, he found he quite liked this human, he was interesting. Then again, Deuce had never actually met a human, so he supposed he was just fascinated with Ace.

Ace nodded, resuming what he had intended to do originally. He paused, "I've never met a merman before." His fingers trailed down to the light scales on Deuce's cheeks, and brushed against them briefly, "I didn't think..."

"—We existed?" Deuce hummed, leaning into Ace's touch. It was warm, unlike how cold everything felt in the ocean, Deuce found he liked that too. "Most merfolk live very deep down, where it's impossible to see them, even if you attempt to send some kind of bot to illuminate the way and take pictures. It's rare that we'd ever come up to high waters, and even rarer that we'd come up to above waters."

"Then I must be lucky you were around to save me back then." Ace laughed, "But...why are you here then, if it's not something common?"

Honestly? Deuce was just young, dumb, and curious, but he wasn't about to admit that.

"Hmm...I just want to know more about the human world." Deuce shrugged, "It was only going to be a one time thing, but after what happened yesterday, I wondered if you'd come back, so I went to look. We're often told to not trust humans but...you're different." There was a twinkle in his eye as he smiled, "I trust you."

Ace found himself once again flustered as he thought about Deuce's words. So Deuce had come back again for him...and he trusted him? That made Ace a little happy, he admitted. Something about Deuce made Ace feel...secure, safe. "I trust you too." His expression dimmed as he came to another realization, "Are you...after this, are you not coming back again?"

Deuce had swam up on a whim, and came back just to check a second day. Ace had thanked him, and there was nothing more to discuss. But still, Ace was a selfish person. He had said that one glimpse was enough, but he had lied. He was a greedy human, always wanting more. He had only met Deuce for a short while, yet the merman had already enchanted him so. He wanted to become someone more important to Deuce, he wanted to hide Deuce away, to keep the knowledge of Deuce's existence to himself.

Deuce remained oblivious to Ace's thoughts, and merely rested his head on his arms, his voice nonchalant, "Well...do you want me to come back?"

"I do." Ace nodded firmly. He moved to lace his fingers with Deuce's, looking at the merman earnestly, "I want to get to know you."

The merman blinked. Was it normal for humans to be so straightforward? There was something about the way Ace had said it that made him feel like they were a little more than friends. Or maybe he was imagining it? This was the first time he'd actually talked to Ace, so he wasn't sure why it felt so weird.

"Then I'll come back again for you." Deuce reached up, prompting Ace to bend down closer to him. He brushed his fingers against Ace's cheek, leaving tiny droplets of water to run down his skin before he pulled back, "I'll come back again at the same time as often as I can, but for now, I'm afraid I must leave." The sky was growing blue, drowning out the soft pastel hues of dawn. It wouldn't be long before the dock grew busy, and people would come out, Deuce couldn't risk being seen.

Ace frowned, "...Alright. I'll see you tomorrow then. But before you go..." Oh god, was he really about to do this? "Do you know about the human customs of greetings and partings?"

Deuce shook his head, "No...what is it?" He looked to Ace with round eyes, curious as to what human customs Ace spoke of.

"To say hello and goodbye...we do this." Ace tucked a strand of hair behind Deuce's ear as he leaned down, brushing his lips against the merman's. He knew that perhaps he was moving too fast, perhaps it was terrible of him to trick Deuce like this, but...

Ace was a selfish person to the core. He swore that he'd capture this mermaid, and that was what he'd do.

Meanwhile, Deuce had to take a moment to realize that he was just kissed. Honestly, he had heard about the action of kissing from his studies, but it wasn't like merpeople were touchy, so he'd never felt one before...until now that is. Actually, it felt quite nice. He supposed that a new thing was learned everyday.

Deuce pulled Ace by the collar, bringing him into a deeper kiss, although it was quite clumsy. He moved back, smiling happily, "I'm the one leaving, so I should be giving you the kiss right?" Well, he had no clue, but it felt nice and Ace didn't seem to mind, so whatever.

He slipped back into the ocean, somewhat missing Ace's warmth already. Giving Ace one last glance, Deuce waved, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Ace waved back, hardly able to reply through his onslaught of embarrassed thoughts. He watched as Deuce disappeared into the dark waters of the sea, and waited til he could no longer feel the merman's presence. Standing up, Ace picked up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder as he spared the sea one last glance.

He wondered what tomorrow would bring him.

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Let’s Play ~ K.O. (part 1)

A/n: So @httpnxtt mentioned Kyle and a gun kink and I kind of made it my own because she’s nice and let me lol. Big thanks to @sunlight-moonrise and @gretaamyk​ for beta reading!. Also huge thanks to @april-14-blog for the encouragement to actually write this! Without all of these people, this fic wouldn’t have happened, and even if no one else reads it but them and myself, I’m glad I got it written and published :)

Warnings: violence, death (not any major characters), smut (male on male): fingering, oral, hand jobs, gun play kink, penetration.

Word Count: 5700+

MASTERLIST

Hands were a hard thing to fight off a super strong creature of death with, but it was either that or Y/n was eaten alive, so there wasn't much of an option.

He'd been doing great with his gun until he'd been tackled from behind. His gun had flown off somewhere- he was just lucky that he'd been able to squirm around so he could fight back at all. He thought if he killed enough time then he might be able to get to his gun, but he couldn't even look away without risking those dirty, rotting teeth sinking into his throat and ripping his vocal chords out. Not a great ending to this story if he was being honest. Not the road he wanted to go down.

A gun show went off and Y/n flinched, eyes wide. But he felt no pain and after only a second's pause, the thing above him that used to be the mailman went limp. He shoved it off of him, rolling to his feet. He stared at the creature, waiting for it to move. But then he saw the bullet wound and the blood coming from the side of its head and he relaxed, standing to his feet fully and searching out his rescuer.

There, only a few feet away actually, was a tall man with brown hair and matching eyes. Y/n's gun was in his hands. Hands that were shaking now. His dark eyes had widened in a look of panic Y/n was getting used to. The two men looked at each other for a long moment. "I killed him," the brunette finally whispered.

"Yes," Y/n confirmed. He put his hands up to show he meant no harm and began to come closer and closer. His goal was half to calm the man down and half to get his gun back. The worst thing that could happen is the man would panic and shoot him, and Y/n couldn't take chances with a bullet wound.

The man took a deep breath and finally lowered the gun from where he'd had it pointed to shoot the now-dead thing that had been trying to kill Y/n. "I did a good thing." It was a struggle for him it seemed. He was trying to convince himself.

Well, that one was easy for Y/n. He was a man of truth, but he didn't even have to tiptoe around this one. "A very good thing," he agreed earnestly. "You saved my life." He began to extend his hands toward the other man's, reaching for his gun just as slowly as he'd approached. "Can I have my gun back please?"

A small nod signaled the man's release of the object, and he even dropped the hand that was attached to the arm furthest from Y/n so he could stretch it out to him. "Here, sorry."

Taking it, Y/n relaxed. He felt safer with a way to defend himself if the need arose. "No need to be sorry. Like I said, you saved my life." It was then the man looked at Y/n, tearing his eyes away from the body he was still staring at. When they looked at each other now, Y/n swore that his heart died in his chest.

Perhaps this was the single worst time to notice this, but Y/n couldn't help it as his gaze took in every inch of the man. He was incredibly attractive, simply put. Even with death all around them, who could simply not see such a pretty face? Y/n was a simple man, and the person that had just saved his life was hot.

He looked away, putting his gun at the back of his belt and clearing his throat. As much as admiring was no sin, getting distracted was. He had to think with the right head- there were more important things. But holy shit if there hadn't been... Y/n might have had to ask this guy on a date.

"Well, thanks." Y/n spoke the words to get out of his head. "Officially." He hesitated as the man nodded. "What's your name?"

"Kyle." His voice was suddenly hoarse and it made him even sexier. Goddamnit!

"Nice to meet you, Kyle." Y/n noticed the look the man was giving him and realized he was waiting for a return in names. "I'm Y/n."

Kyle nodded again. Then he pulled a shiny silver gun out of the holster at his side Y/n was just noticing. His lips must have been really distracting for him to just not pick up on the fact that Kyle was armed... They actually had been that distracting. They made Y/n wonder if Kyle was a good kisser.

FOCUS!

"I'm part of the resistance." His grin made him look like a total dork. It was adorable, and Y/n fought not to smile at it. "We have serious firepower, and we're clearing blocks to make sure everyone at the base is safe. Want to join us?"

It was Y/n's turn to nod. "I'd definitely like some purpose in this mass chaos. Where are you headed to next?"

Kyle grinned. "Think you can keep up?"

Y/n cocked an eyebrow. "Do you think YOU can keep up? You look a little too pretty to actually know how to wield that thing."

Y/n's complement seemed to boost Kyle's confidence. "I knew it well enough to shoot that zombie without hitting you."

A soft chuckle resounded through Y/n's chest. "You have me there. Lead the way, Hot Shot."

The pun made Kyle snort. Shaking his head, he turned to look out instead of at Y/n. "Keep up." As he moved forward, Y/n couldn't help but check out the view from the back. "And Keep your eyes on the zombies," Kyle added sharply, though he didn't seem to be shutting Y/n down as much as he was making sure his back was being watched.

"Yes sir," Y/n joked. Kyle didn't respond to that.

Probably because he was distracted by another zombie ducking into sight and turned its hungry eyes on the pair of men. Thankfully, he really was a great shot and he totally nailed the thing. He lowered his gun, smirking as he looked back at Y/n. "I'm already two ahead of you. You sure you can keep up?"

Y/n raised his eyebrows. "Oh, that's how you want to play huh?" Kyle shrugged and Y/n rolled his eyes, searching for his next target. As Kyle went to say something snarky, Y/n found the next dead body. He took aim and shot it stiff before Kyle could even voice his snarky shot. "Careful Kyle. You've unleashed the beast."

Kyle scoffed. "Okay, Mr. Sexy and Smooth. If we're making this competition, what does the winner get?" He shot another zombie, making Y/n jump. "Other than staying alive, I suppose?"

A soft sigh through pursed lips, as Y/n tried to decide. "What do you want?"

Kyle's eyes suddenly ran down Y/n's body and the man shivered under such a look. Before he could respond though there was a scream and both men were rushing to see what had caused it.

There was a small girl pinning a slightly older boy. The boy had a bar in her mouth and that was why he was faring better than Y/n had been earlier. Her nails were digging into his arms though as if she was about to tear his flesh off by hand if she had to. Y/n had to remind himself of two things. First of all, that wasn't a girl anymore. Second, it absolutely would rip his flesh off his bones with its hands if it felt it had to. He went to aim when Kyle helped next to him.

It seemed that between the gunshots and the boy screaming, the noise had drawn a crowd. There were four zombies heading for Y/n and another rolling around with Kyle who was trying to both keep hold of his gun and also get it to the thing's head so he could shoot it. Y/n forced himself to not panic and instead prioritize. He had to keep himself safe first. The boy and Kyle would be much worse off without Y/n there to offer an extra pair of hands wielding a gun.

He took out two before he heard the crunching of the pipe and the gargling of the thing ripping whatever must remain from the boy, going for him again. He'd run out of time, but thankfully before he could switch his attention there was a shot that he found out meant Kyle had taken down his attacker when Y/n looked over to check in on the other man. Kyle got to his knees and turned the barrel of his weapon to the girl, pulling the trigger without hesitation. She fell and the boy collapsed in relief, her fingers falling out of his mouth just as she was attempting to rip his jaw open.

Y/n turned back his attention to the two zombies headed to him to see there were now six.

"Get up!" Kyle yelled at the boy. The kid responded thank god, scrambling between the two armed men who moved to surround Gina s best they could with just two of them. With him between them, they both looked around at the sudden crowd that had come to play. "I have four in front of me and three more to the left." Y/n looked and realized they had less a crowd and more a mob. This wasn't going to go well if they didn't hurry.

"Perfect opportunity to raise those numbers," Y/n mumbled with ease, like he was talking about the cloudy sky or what was on TV. As if this was normal. Kyle chuckled and they both aimed, counting out loud as they took out one zombie after another.

When the street was finally cleared, the silence was deafening. Kyle moves closer to Y/n, the boy having even less room to move around now. "We need to get out of here, in case more show up. At least from the middle of the road. If we just stand here they might overwhelm us, but if we hide and wait for them to come along then-"

"Sounds great and all," Y/n interrupted. Kyle jerked as he was cut off. "But I doubt either of us have many more bullets, and we have a child to get back to safety if you recall."

Kyle hesitated, jaw working as he looked between the kid and the street. Finally, he sighed, shoulders dropping. "Fine. Lead the way."

Y/n felt himself smile at how cute Kyle looked when he was all down trodden like that. It didn't distract him from keeping them all safe and well guided as they made their way back to 'base' as Kyle called it, it did keep him motivated. They returned with only one more dropped body. "What's your name?" Y/n asked as the trio got settled so the two men could stock up on supplies.

"Tyler," the kid responded.

"Tyler," Y/n greeted. "This is Kyle and I'm Y/n. It's safe here. We're part of a group of people who are going to keep clearing the streets so nothing will get to you guys okay?" Tyler nodded.

Just then, one of the much older adults came into the room. "I think we're actually going to call it a night fellas. The sun is going down and that messes with vision. Makes it much easier for them to take us over. They don't have to worry about getting hurt."

"Yes sir," Y/n said in more of a joking way. His words seemed to excite Kyle though, who was getting way too into the spy day dream he was working with. It made Y/n chortle a bit.

When the older man and the boy left the pair of young adults alone, Kyle sidled up to Y/n. "How many did you get? I got fifteen." He said the number with pride and confidence. Y/n already knew this. He had stopped counting out loud, but Kyle hadn't. Too bad his surety that Y/n couldn't beat him was about to be torn down.

"Eighteen." 

Kyle deflated even more and, as if stealing that air, Y/n puffed up in pride. Kyle hesitated though before slowly realizing, "What's... your prize?" He seemed half eager and half trepid. It fueled Y/n for some reason, having enough power to make a man like Kyle some levels of both nervous and excited.

Y/n hummed, moving closer very slowly. He moved behind Kyle, Y/n's breath falling on the other man's neck. Kyle shivered. Now on the other side of Kyle, Y/n leaned over and pressed his lips quickly to Kyle's cheek. "I think that's all I'll claim for now." Then he turned away and began to leave. He heard the shuddering breath of a frustrated man behind him but he didn't give Kyle the satisfaction of him looking back to see exactly what state he was in. Even though he was rather curious... for now, he was having too much fun messing with the poor man.

Kyle, on the other hand, was NOT having fun. Not at all.

-

Y/n and Kyle went on six runs together over the next three days. They slept at night and then sometimes had to get people back to safety, or stock back up on ammo or food, which brought them back temporarily. Every time they headed back to base, they told the other their tallies and every single time Y/n had won. Kyle has even made them begin to count out loud to prove that Y/n wasn't making a number up. He'd had Y/n say his number before him so Y/n couldn't just say some number above what Kyle said. No matter what he did or how hard he tried, Y/n was better at this than him.

It seemed a bit of a reprieve for him when Y/n tripped one day, twisting his ankle. Unfortunately, it had almost gotten him killed. Focused on the zombies approaching him, Y/n hadn’t watched where he was going and had tripped over a stone that had looked smaller in his peripheral vision. When he’d fallen, he’d dropped his gun and the scramble that he’d gone through to get it back had almost cost too much time. He’d had two zombies on top of him and had by luck alone managed to wiggle into a position to shoot both of them as their faces eagerly lowered to begin to take him chunks at a time. He’d stopped one of them with its teeth in his shoulder. THAT was how close it had been.

Now it was over though, and they were headed back. Kyle seemed irritated though.

"At least now you'll get a few days of practice," Y/n attempted to joke as they traveled as quickly as possible before they'd find themselves in a situation that required them to stop and face down any zombies that might head their way. Thus far a few had been pulled down just by Y/n nabbing them as they passed, but if they got any closer than the two men couldn't chance Y/n missing one, and Kyle helping meant he had to have his hands free, which meant he couldn't help Y/n walk which means they'd basically he stuck in place unless Y/n started crawling. And that would be an even worse plan, because Kyle might trip over Y/n if he couldn't see him. He had to keep his eyes on the zombies, he needed to know where Y/n was so his worry didn't distract him from taking threats out.

Thankfully they hadn't gotten to that point yet.

When the house came into sight, both men relaxed. Kyle helped Y/n inside and to a couch where they both collapsed, tired from the journey. "Nice job out there," Y/n gasped around his heavy breathing.

Kyle chuckled. "Don't patronize me. I know you got way more than me today because I dragged you here."

Y/n rolled his eyes. “You know Kyle, I’m not ALWAYS an ass. You probably saved my life today, and even if not you definitely put yours at risk to make mine easier.” He reached out, placing his hand on top of Kyle’s. “Thank you.”

That only seemed to irritate Kyle more, though that was apparent more from the man’s facial expression, as he didn’t move his hand from Y/n’s. “Can’t you just be a little less-” He cut off, shaking his head and standing to storm away, leaving Y/n wondering what he’d done wrong.

The next week passed a lot like that as Y/n stayed home and healed and helped take care of other people as well. He probably could have gone out sooner if he was pushing it, but he didn’t want to take any chances in case his ankle went weak as he put it through too much and Kyle had to drag him back to the house. That was the reason Y/n had decided Kyle was pissed at him for. The day had been cut short when Y/n had been careless and gotten hurt. It was then that he suddenly got so irritable, and he hadn’t been the same since. It made sense that he would be irritated at getting distracted from the work he was so dedicated to, and then that Y/n didn’t seem to care as much as he did about getting back to it once Y/n was well enough to go back.

The day Y/n did go out, Kyle seemed to be really tense. “You okay?” Y/n asked quietly.

“Shut up,” Kyle snapped. Y/n shrunk in on himself, not sure why Kyle was so pissed. The man seemed to notice and sighed, pausing in their stroll forward. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped. I just need to stay focused and you’re very distracting.” He began walking again, Y/n scrambling to keep up around his confusion.

Wait what? “Distracting?” Y/n asked gently, unsure. They’d been flirty since the first second they’d met. Sure the sexual tension was obvious but that had never seemed to bother Kyle before. Or did he mean that he was bothered by Y/n’s presence? Or that he was worried Y/n would drag him back again? Y/n wasn’t sure if him being a distraction was a good thing or not, and his brain was beginning to spiral with worry.

Kyle huffed.”I swear to god Y/n if you don’t stop, I’ll make you regret it.”

At that Y/n stopped dead. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Orfman?”

For whatever reason, that was what made Kyle break. The taller man spun around, eyes blazing. He looked at Y/n first then around them. There wasn’t even a sign of a zombie in sight. He gripped Y/n’s arm, pulling him roughly toward one of the houses. Y/n wasn’t afraid of Kyle per say, but he was curious enough to go along. His curiosity also held him from saying anything else, in case any questions made him stop.

Kyle led Y/n to the main bedroom and let him go, racing out of the room. Y/n guessed that it was to check to see if the place was empty, because when Kyle returned he didn’t have anything new. He did, however, have his gun drawn. “Kneel down.”

“Wha-?” Y/n began, stepping forward.

“Do it.” Kyle’s voice was hard. It was a command that demanded not to be questioned. Y/n gulped silently, finding himself very eager to obey. It was something he’d never experienced and it took him so off guard that he just did it. “Shirt off,” Kyle ordered next. Y/n’s eyes widened, finally realizing what was about to happen. As he did so, Kyle paused, allowing room for Y/n to stop this. As frustrated as he was, he wasn’t about to do anything Y/n didn’t want him to.

Far too eagerly, Y/n ripped his shirt off. He tossed it to the floor, still on his knees. His eyes followed Kyle dutifully. For all his flirting and big talk, it seemed that in this moment Kyle had unearthed a desperation that Y/n couldn’t contain anymore. He didn’t just want this, he NEEDED it, and if he had to do whatever he was told to get it then that’s what he was going to do.

Kyle smiled to himself, appreciating it. He just stood there and took Y/n in, making the man on the floor feel self conscious. “Do you want me to do anything else?” He asked softly.

A smirk rose to Kyle’s face. “So eager to be bossed around, huh?” Y/n nodded and Kyle seemed to relax, falling into this role like it was made for him. He came closer to Y/n, his hands winding in Y/n’s hair and tugging to Y/n looked up at him. The gun in his other hand moved underneath Y/n’s chin, the end of the barrel grazing his throat. Y/n jerked in surprise. Kyle smirked wider. “Y/n, do you trust me?”

He didn’t even have to think about it. “Yes.”

That was exactly what Kyle needed to hear. “Have you ever been with a man before?”

“Yes,” Y/n answered quickly, wanting to please. “Have you?”

Kyle shook his head. “I haven’t, actually. Is it that different?” When he paused, Y/n shrugged. “Use your words,” Kyle cooed.

“Yeah, for the most part. And more than just the obvious as well. Men go harder, but women go louder which makes a difference for some reason. Men tend to be quiet during sex.”

Nodding, Kyle stayed quiet a few seconds, as if considering the information. “Do you think either one is better?” Y/n shook his head no. “Just different then, huh?” Y/n nodded. “Well,” Kyle purred, nudging the gun to keep Y/n’s chin up as he let go of Y/n’s hair. “Show me the difference, Y/n.” He pointed to his pants and the man on his knees was fast to change his focus from Kyle’s face. His hands worked to undo the pants and pull them down, revealing the bulge underneath the black boxers. Y/n made a soft sound that made Kyle jerk forward. “Don’t waste time,” Kyle barked. “We don’t have all day.” With that, Y/n pulled Kyle’s boxers down as well, allowing his member to spring free. The sight made Y/n lick his lips, looking up at the other man with a question he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to ask. “What?” Kyle prompted, obviously irritated again.

“Do you want me to get it all in? Or can I use my hands too?”

Kyle blushed and Y/n felt his fingers begin to fidget. “Do what you think is necessary.” His voice had dropped and the sound went through Y/n in waves. It was the last thing either of them said before Y/n wrapped his fingers around the base of Kyle’s cock to stabilize it before he wrapped his lips around the tip. He hollowed his cheeks to create better suction as he bobbed his head, making Kyle groan, his head falling back and eyes closing. After a second, Y/n removed his mouth to pump the length with his hands. His fingers slid along the dent just under the head where he knew would be most sensitive. Kyle grabbed his hands to stop him. “I- I need to sit down-” He moved out of Y/n’s reach, sitting on the bed. “Come here.” His eyes were lust blown and Y/n swallowed, crawling over quickly. He didn’t need Kyle to tell him to start again, he just took action. After a few more pumps, Y/n placed his lips on Kyle once more, listening and stealing glances as well as he could without losing focus on what he was doing. He wanted to make sure what he was doing worked, and if it worked he didn’t want to stop doing it. Just when the brunette man seemed to begin to come unwound, he reached forward and grabbed hold of Y/n’s hair again. “Stop,” he growled. Y/n did, pulling his mouth off with a satisfying popping sound that made Kyle shiver. He lifted the hand that still held the gun. “Do you still trust me?”

“I trust you,” Y/n confirmed earnestly, eyes wide and sincere.

Kyle stroked Y/n’s jaw. “Such a good boy.” He leaned forward, pointing the barrel at Y/n’s lips. “Open.” Y/n did, and Kyle fit the thing inside his mouth. Y/n felt his pulse spike. He meant what he said when he’d said he trusted Kyle, but his fight or flight instincts were still responding and it was a little nerve wracking, making it hard to stay still. “Show me,” Kyle demanded softly, his face inches from the side of Y/n’s face. “Show me what you do to make me feel that good. I want to learn so I can duplicate it, but if you do it on me I’m gonna be distracted.”

Y/n steeled himself before beginning to work his mouth around the gun barrel as he did with Kyle. The brunette man suddenly shoved it deeper into Y/n’s mouth, making him gag. Kyle smiled and Y/n blinked the beginning of tears out of his eyes as they threatened to block him from the view. Kyle was obviously getting off on this. The thought was confirmed when Kyle began to stroke himself with his free hand. He watched Y/n, first licking then biting his lip as he touched himself. “God where did you learn to do this?” Y/n paused and he sneered, “Don’t stop. Just because I ask a question doesn’t mean I want you to answer it.” It was a dangerous order. What happened when Kyle DID want him to answer it and he didn’t? Y/n was kind of excited to learn.

Finally Kyle pulled the gun out of Y/n’s mouth. He hummed as Y/n whimpered. “Please,” Y/n begged. “Touch me. Something. Please.”

“So desperate,” Kyle whispered, his breath falling on Y/n’s face. Y/n nodded, scooting closer. His knees were beginning to hurt but he didn’t dare complain. Kyle stood, pointing the gun at Y/n’s forehead. “Stand the fuck up.” Y/n scrambled to his feet. Only now did he realize that Kyle was taller than him. Before it hadn’t been super obvious but now it was clear as day, with how close they were. His thoughts were ripped away from that as Kyle shoved him against the wall aggressively, nestling the gun under his chin. “What do you want?”

“Anything,” Y/n begged, closing his eyes as his head fell against the wood behind him.

Kyle hummed, considering. “Seem to be wearing a lot of clothes for someone who wants me to touch him.” He was grinning when Y/n shot him a complainant look. “Ah yes, what a good boy. Take them off then.” Immediately Y/n was naked, just in time for Kyle to follow as he slid his own shirt off. Kyle returned the gun to Y/n’s throat, but this time moved it to the right. On the left side of Y/n’s neck, Kyle pressed his lips to the Y/n’s skin. First it was soft kisses until he began to sink his teeth into the flesh just enough to make Y/n suck in a breath, but not enough to leave a mark. He did begin to suck though, running his teeth along the skin to ensure there would be a huge, dark purple mark left behind. Y/n released a breath, but his body remained coiled with tension. “Beg me to fuck you,” Kyle mumbled.

“Please,” Y/n immediately hissed, his body shaking with need. His own member brushed against Kyle’s hand and Y/n flinched. “GOD please, Kyle. Please. Tell what I have to do, I swear I’ll do it.”

“I know baby,” Kyle responded evenly, a satisfied smirk on his face. He reached his hand to Y/n’s shoulder, yanking the man around so he was facing the wall. He then moved very close. Close enough that Y/n could feel Kyle’s breath on his neck and his cock against his hip. “Is this what you want?” He let that same free hand up and down Y/n’s length, relishing the way Y/n wobbled between leaning against the wall and Kyle to keep him standing. “Is it? If not, I can stop.”

“God no,” Y/n groaned, his lips parting in an ‘o’ shape. Finally he let his head drop onto Kyle’s shoulder, used to the feeling of the gun barrel making a path from his neck to his stomach. All his focus was on what Kyle’s other hand was doing. “It feels so good, please don’t stop.”

Kyle sighed, long and breathy. “Turn around.” He leaned just far enough away to allow Y/n to obey and Y/n did obey, just as he had all night. Eagerly and without hesitation. When they were face to face, Kyle tossed the gun behind him on the bed, hooking both hands around Y/n’s waist to make sure the man followed him as he began to move to the bed. “Lay down.” When Y/n did, Kyle crawled over him. “Are you going to keep being a good boy?” Y/n nodded. “Good.” His hands were both now free, but the gun was within grabbing distance so Y/n didn’t write it off yet. It’s just that Kyle needed to keep himself propped up as he touched Y/n, and he only had two hands. The first thing Kyle did was stick two fingers in Y/n’s mouth. Y/n sucked on them, making Kyle smile. But he seemed to have a goal in mind as just when Y/n was getting into it, Kyle slid his fingers out, trailing them down his neck to his chest and beyond. His hands drew shapes lower and lower until he dropped past Y/n’s still eager length to push a finger slowly into the man. “How’s this?”

“Not bad,” Y/n responded through heavy breaths, his body tense.

That continued until Y/n relaxed, Kyle giving the man plenty of time to adjust as he slowly stretched out. Then he slipped another finger in, repeating the process and being just as patient every time to make sure Y/n was ready. “God you’re so pretty.” Y/n hadn’t expected that, his body rolling further into Kyle’s hand. He’d been called a lot of things, but never pretty. There was something sweet about the compliment that made it almost intimate. This wasn’t about sex, him saying that. Kyle was just attracted to Y/n on a base level, and that was all. The way it sent shivers all over Y/n’s body made Kyle’s eyes widen in appreciation. “Okay,” he said finally. “I’m going to fuck you now, okay?”

“Please hurry,” Y/n grunted. He wanted his own release so badly at this point he didn’t give a fuck how he got it.

Kyle chuckled, but responded kindly, rather than being as cruel as someone else might have been about how Y/n technically ordered him even though Kyle was in charge right now. Moving his body to line himself with Y/n’s waiting body, Kyle hesitated only a second before pushing in. Y/n hissed a breath in and Kyle moved slowly. Very slowly, allowing Y/n once again all the time he needed. The pain turned to pleasure as it always di, and soon Y/n’s squeaks turned to soft breathing. With him comfortable with Kyle moving, the brunette focused on pleasuring himself. Or, that’s what Y/n thought at first.

As Kyle continued to fuck Y/n, he wrapped a hand around Y/n’s waiting cock, stroking him in time with the thrusts.

Neither man were going to last long.

When they finally did release, Y/n was both filled with Kyle’s cum as well as covered in his own. It made Kyle smile. When they were both done, Kyle pulled out and got to his feet shakily, leaving the room for a few moments only to return with a towel. “I didn’t want to leave you like…” He motioned to Y/n’s wet stomach. Y/n noticed the sudden shyness of the man; the softness to his words, and the way he wouldn’t look at Y/n. The gentleness with which he cleaned the mess, as if he wished Y/n to be unaware of his touch at all.

And also the speed at which he redressed once the job was done, towel discarded in the corner. Kyle retrieved his gun then cleaned it off as well from the spit that was beginning to dry on it and smudge the clean silver shine. Y/n sat up as Kyle began to move to the door. The man winced and Kyle’s expression tightened. “Are you leaving?” His voice was hoarse, making Kyle’s knuckles turn white as he gripped his gun again, as if it was a safety blanket.

Kyle hesitated. “I don’t think we should work together anymore.”

“Was I bad? Did I do something wrong?” Y/n asked as he moved to his feet, nearly tripping over himself as he pulled his own boxers and pants back on. His knees wobbled but he managed to pull it off.

Obviously trying not to smile as he watched only when he thought Y/n didn’t notice him doing so, Kyle cleared his throat. “No.” It was quiet, strained. “But this can’t happen again.”

Y/n stood, still shirtless. “Kyle-”

“I’ll see you back at the base, Y/n.” And with that he was gone, leaving Y/n confused and alone in the room that still smelled like sex.

What had gone wrong?

-

Male Reader Tag: @sheepfather

[obsessedwithbbandsuju]

I’d Rather Be Insane

You’ve been in love with Jungsoo for so long, but he has a new girlfriend. It’s clearly that he’s completely in love with her, and you’re even ready to hear the news about the wedding. And then, she breaks up with him. 

A/N: This is my first try at a reader-insert SuJu fic. I really satisfied with how this one turned out. I hope you enjoy.

Warning: Smut

It was clear that Jungsoo had fallen in love.

Those beautiful eyes shone brighter and that blinding smile grew even more dazzling. That kind gaze that was once so fixed, so intent, when you spoke to him was now clouded over slightly with the drug that love was. It was easy to see that even when Jungsoo listened to you, grinned and responded and nodded as you talked, his mind wasn’t fully there. He was thinking of her. His girlfriend, Lee Nayeon.

And it was easy. So easy to see why he was so desperately in love with her. Nayeon was a model; not extremely mainstream or a household name, but successful enough to be more than comfortable in the world. She was full of life, vigorous, with a smile that could draw your eyes away from the sun, sincere and honest eyes that let you know how genuine she was. She was kind, forever taking care of others without sparing a thought for herself. She was confident, walked everywhere with an easy smile and a sure gait. She was honest, never minced words or sugarcoated but was never unnecessarily harsh or belittling. Goodness, even you had to admit, if you weren’t so deeply in love with Jungsoo, you might have been in danger of falling head over heels for her.

There wasn’t a single moment that she’d been unkind to you. When Jungsoo introduced you to her – her as an acquaintance whom he’d met in a photoshoot, although the starry-eyed way that he looked at her prevented you from believing for a second that he thought of her as just that, and you as one of his oldest friends – she had greeted you so warmly and so earnestly commented that she could see the closeness between you and Jungsoo that, even when jealousy burned in your veins at the look in Jungsoo’s eyes as he stared at her, you couldn’t hate her. There was nothing about Lee Nayeon to hate, and you refused to let your envy potentially hurt someone like her.

Even after she became Jungsoo’s girlfriend, she never showed you a hint of animosity despite your friendship with Jungsoo. It was a relief, she told you, that he had someone like you by his side for so long. She would even ask you for small bits of advice here and there: What kind of gifts did Jungsoo like? It was their six-month anniversary and she wanted to give him something meaningful. What were his favorite foods? It was his birthday and she wanted to cook them for him. How could she help Jungsoo de-stress? He’d been packed with work lately and she wanted him to rest a little bit. Small things like that, that you answered honestly, smiling at her sincere thank-you’s and staring at the wall after she was gone, trying not to let your tears flood over.

And sometimes, in the privacy of your own apartment, the bitterness did get the better of you. You would bury your head in your hands, cursing at the world for being unfair. How, how, was it that Jungsoo never returned the feelings you’d confessed to him three years ago, but fell so hard and so fast for Nayeon after barely a month of knowing her? How did it make sense? How was it right? That she had Jungsoo, and you, who had known him since both of you were teenagers, didn’t?

It hurt. It hurt so goddamn much, seeing the man you had loved for so many years, the man who’d apologetically said three years ago that you were a friend who was so, so dear to him, fallen completely and perfectly in love with another woman.

But that much – that much, you could have stomached. Maybe. You weren’t one for self-pity, and as painful, as unfair, as heartbreaking as it was, you accepted it. What else were you going to do? Jungsoo was too important to you to cut off because you were jealous, and besides, he had done nothing to deserve any coldness from you. All he had done was fallen in love. How could he help that, and how could you condemn him for it?

What chafed at you more than that was that he began neglecting your friendship. You two had developed little unspoken agreements over the years of being so close. A meet-up at least twice a month. A phone call at least once a week. Texting at least every other day. More importantly, being there for each other, listening to each other’s problems, offering comfort and help where you could. It was what you valued most about your friendship with him, what touched you and maintained the close connection between you two for so many years.

And at some point, Jungsoo began to slip up. He’d say he was unable to go to your meetings, that he had to do this and that with or for Nayeon. He didn’t answer your calls, and the only acknowledgement he’d give you was a short text, apologizing, saying he was busy doing this and that with or for Nayeon. Your texts were left unread, and if he bothered explaining, usually at least several days later, it was that he was, yes, doing this and that with or for Nayeon. When you needed a listening year, a shoulder to lean on, he wasn’t it. He cut you short, always because of this and that with Nayeon. He had to go, because of this and that with Nayeon.

It wasn’t like it was Nayeon who was making him do so, either. On the contrary, Nayeon would scold him. Send him off with you deliberately, saying that he should be spending more time with you. She’d pull you aside and talk to you, apologizing for using up so much of Jungsoo’s time. You could tell she was genuinely, sincerely sorry.

And you smiled and told her it was alright. What else were you supposed to do? You couldn’t fault her. And Jungsoo – Jungsoo had never done this to you before in his other relationships, but it just meant that he was that much in love with Nayeon. It just meant that she was someone different from the rest, someone that he was even more deeply in love with. Someone that he might marry, have the sweet family he wanted so much with, with a nice home by the Han River and a beautiful view of the sky and the city. You couldn’t begrudge him. He was in love, and you couldn’t, wouldn’t, ask him to put you before that. You considered yourself a rather selfish person, but even you weren’t going to be that selfish.

And so it went that you sometimes went months with minimal contact with Jungsoo, where before you two would barely go days without calling. The entire time, he was fell deeper and deeper for Nayeon. The other Super Junior members complained that all he would talk about was her, that he acted like a starstruck idiot when she was near, or even when she was mentioned. You laughed at their overblown descriptions and accounts of Jungsoo’s utter devotion to Nayeon, telling yourself that the pain in your chest was going to go away someday. Honestly, you were expecting the marriage news any day now; the moment your fractured heart would finally shatter altogether.

And then, Nayeon broke up with Jungsoo. They were together for three years.

You met her one last time after that, and still, you couldn’t hate her. She looked wilted and tired and so, so sorry that the disbelieving fury in your chest shriveled to nothing. You didn’t ask why she broke up with him, and she didn’t say why, but the two of you parted on decent terms. The last thing she told you was to take care of Jungsoo – and to take care of yourself.

Jungsoo was sitting on his bed. You had never seen him look so devastated in your life. His eyes were dull and flat, his movements were languid and exhausted, and his speech was morose and uninterested. You sat next to him, talked to him reassuringly, rubbed his back and held him as he finally broke down, making himself vulnerable in front of you as he had so many times before. 

“It’ll be alright, Jungsoo.”

“It won’t.” His reply was choked. “It’ll never be alright again. She – she l-left––” The phrase was broken up in between sobs, as if it in its entirety was too much for him to comprehend. “––me.” His grip on you tightened until it was almost painful, but you said nothing. “She’s gone.”

You had nothing to say. You were shocked, too. You thought Jungsoo and Nayeon would last forever, you were sure. Everyone who knew Jungsoo was sure. What happened was none of your business, but whatever it was, how massive, how shattering, could it have been?

“One day,” you whispered, your heart aching. “One day, you’ll feel better.”

“No.” The word was shot out like a bullet – instantaneous, unhesitant, doubtless. “Never. I’ll never––” The sob that cut into his words rocked his entire body, shaking you too with the force of it.

“I loved her,” Jungsoo whispered. “What am I… oh God, what am I going to do? Help me.” He broke away and looked at you, face tear-streaked, eyes desperate and raw. “Y/N, please, please – help me. I don’t know what to do. I – I can’t… I can’t just––��� The attempt at a sentence crumbled as another cry gripped him.

You had tears in your eyes, too. “Jungsoo,” you said, “Jungsoo, look at me.” When he didn’t, you threw your inhibitions to the wind and, cupping his face in your hands, raised his chin to force him to look you in the eyes. “It’ll get better,” you said, firmly despite the tears falling down your cheeks now. “It will. You’re a good person – the kindest, most caring, most genuine person I know. I know it hurts so much right now, and it’ll hurt so much for a long time afterwards, but you’ll get through it. You will.” His eyes were searching you, wild and visceral, begging you to be speaking the truth.

“You will get through it,” you said again. “I promi––”

He kissed you, molding his mouth aggressively with yours, hands coming up to cup your face. Your body went slack with shock, but his was vigorous – his thumbs tracing your cheeks feverishly, his legs pulling him closer to you so your curves fit perfectly with him. One hand left your cheek to clasp the nape of your neck, closing the space between your bodies even more.

Your body responded on instinct. The man you had loved for so long, the man whom you’d thought would never even glance in your direction, was kissing you. You returned the kiss, clashing with Jungsoo for dominance, and your hands came up to wrap around his forearms, squeezing tightly.

Sensing your reciprocation, Jungsoo wrapped his arms around your waist, sending a delicious thrill up your spine, and yanked you towards him. Your bodies were pressed tightly together, so tightly that you could feel his heart thumping in his chest. Your mind was completely blank except for the thrumming of pleasure running rampant throughout your entire body, spiking your temperature and making your head spin. Jungsoo was kissing you. You were kissing him.

You felt his hands gripping your shirt aggressively before fingers began to fumble with the first button of your shirt. It popped open, exposing an inch more of your skin to the heated air of the apartment. Jungsoo’s hands went lower, and a second button was undone, followed by a third. His hands, you thought hazily, his hands were so warm against your bare skin. His fingers brushed against the top of your breast, and you nearly gasped. It felt surreal. It felt like it was your imagination, that you could feel Jungsoo’s hands on your body, after telling yourself over and over and over that he would never see you like that.

Your lungs screaming for air, you broke away reluctantly, pulling back just a centimeter, but no sooner had you taken your first choppy inhale before Jungsoo yanked you back to him, connecting your lips again. “Y/N,” he gasped against your mouth, his voice raw and hoarse. His hands continued to work your shirt, unbuttoning it, lower and lower. You couldn’t think. Your mind was clouded over, drunk on him and what he was doing to you.

Jungsoo hooked your legs around his waist, and you gasped as your clothed core pressed against his covered erection. Then, moving frantically, he lowered you onto the bed so your unbuttoned shirt spilled open, exposing your abdomen to the air. But Jungsoo didn’t even stop to look. He yanked his shirt off and began to work on your pants, unbuttoning them in a matter of seconds and sliding them down your legs. You couldn’t tell him to stop. You knew, in the back of your mind, that you’d regret this later, that you’d hate the sight of him afterwards, but you didn’t want to think about that right now. Your rationality was completely overwhelmed by this once-in-a-lifetime high, your body desperate for Jungsoo’s touch, and in your haze, it wouldn’t fully sink in, why this was such a bad idea. You needed this – this was the only time you’d get it, and you needed it.

Completely ridding both you and himself of your clothes, Jungsoo wasted no time. He rubbed your core once and, sensing that you were already wet, spread your legs with his hands and pressed into you. You moaned, gripping his shoulders as he buried his face in the crook of your neck with a strangled groan. His hips rocked as he fucked you, moving frantically against your body, but he never looked at you. His face stayed pressed against your neck and shoulder the entire time, even as he moaned and gasped and you whimpered, digging your nails into the skin of his back.

Jungsoo’s thrusts became sloppy and unfocused as he reached his end, and you squeezed your eyes shut, blocking out the warnings that were slamming against your brain. I love you, Jungsoo, you thought, saying the words that you’d wanted to tell him for so long. I love you so, so much. I’m yours.

He stilled, buried deep inside you, and came, his searing warmth filling you. Gasping, you let go of him, and the moment your arms fell to your sides, he was pulling out and away, sinking down on the mattress next to you. You could feel his release dripping out of you, and it was with that small sensation that it all sunk in.

You didn’t try to stop the tears. You only covered your face with your hands, your body shuddering as you sobbed quietly. Jungsoo made no attempt to comfort you. He just pulled up the covers and rolled over, turning his back to your trembling form. Soon, you realized that it wasn’t just your crying you were hearing anymore – it was his, too.

At least one of you had sleep that night. Jungsoo eventually dozed off at what must have been damn near five a.m., but you couldn’t sleep. You just lay there for hours, even after the tears had stopped, staring numbly at the ceiling. Eventually, sometime after Jungsoo had fallen asleep, you got up, bringing your clothes with you, and shut yourself into the bathroom. Your reflection seemed to stare at you with disappointed, reproaching eyes.

Dully, you washed yourself off, put on your clothes, and drifted out to the living room, taking a heavy seat on the sofa. You couldn’t believe what the two of you had just done. The two of you had fucked, you looking for any way to have him, someone who would never see you that way, like that, him seeking comfort from his devastation in the wake of Nayeon’s leaving and taking it from the easiest person he could get it from. He used you, he used your feelings for him – you knew that. And you were angry. So fucking angry at him for using the love you had for him for so long to try to lessen his pain, even just a little – and so fucking angry at yourself for letting him do it. Jungsoo had taken advantage of you, and you had just let him.

With a sigh that didn’t even come close to expressing how you felt, but was simultaneously the only way you could possibly even try to explain it, you shuffled through your purse, took one of the contraceptives that you brought with you inside, and checked the time. It was almost seven a.m. You wanted to leave the house, run from it and never come back, because the thought of Jungsoo now burned, but you weren’t going to be that irresponsible. You two were grown adults, and as disgusting as the notion sounded, you knew you had to talk about what you had done that night.

As the morning brightened, you made Jungsoo breakfast, trying to stifle the growing urge to start throwing plates around the kitchen and scream in frustration and anger. You had just finished setting the table when Jungsoo came out from his bedroom. You met his eyes steadily, and he stared back, expression unwelcoming.

“Why are you still here?” The question was stiff, cold. You briefly pictured picking up the cup of water and hurtling it at his insufferable face, but that wouldn’t solve your problems.

“Eat first.” Your voice was curt. After a tense hesitation, he did as you said, sitting down at the table and staring at the food like he couldn’t quite decide if he wanted to eat what you made or not. For your part, you sat on the sofa and waited, stone-faced, as he ate. You didn’t need to watch him to know that he barely ate five bites before putting his utensils down.

He walked over to you purposefully and sat down across from you, the defensiveness in his body language and demeanor making you wonder if this was going to be a difficult conversation.

“About last night,” you began, knowing that you didn’t need to elaborate. Jungsoo tensed, sitting up straight and squaring his shoulders like he was about to fight you.

“That was a mistake.” His tone was brusque, clearly determined not to be made into the one at fault. It made you want to stand up and start shouting at him. “We shouldn’t have. It was all… we weren’t thinking straight.”

You stared.

“It’s best if we just forget about it.”

You looked away, feeling like the world had fallen out from under your feet. Sure. Sure, you knew all that. It wasn’t like you had expected, or even hoped for, some drama’s plot twist, some movie confession of love from him. You knew what last night was. You knew what you two had done was a line that you never should have crossed – a line that you never even should have come near. But hearing him dismiss it as just a mistake with his own mouth, after he had purposefully kissed you and initiated everything…

“That’s it?” you said, disbelieving. “That’s what you have to say? That it was all just wrong? That you weren’t thinking about what you were doing? After you kissed me out of the blue while I was trying to comfort you?”

“I wasn’t in my right mind!” Jungsoo snapped. You shook your head.

“No! No, you don’t get to just say that and then expect me to be fine with it!” You glared at him, trying to prevent the tears from filling your eyes. You’d already wasted too many tears on this man – first because he said you were just an important friend, then because it hurt seeing him so in love with another woman, and then because he had the nerve to kiss you and fuck you while not even thinking of you at all.

“You know I love you! And yet you said fuck-all to me when Nayeon was around, you stopped talking to me or calling me or texting me or listening to me because you were too goggly-eyed for her! And I tried! I tried to understand, Jungsoo.” He was looking at you with a defiant expression on his face, clearly not wanting to acknowledge the truth in what you were saying. “I told myself that you were in love, that it was only natural for you to put that and her over me. But you––” Your voice broke under the force of your anger, and you had to stop for a second before you could continue.

“––you think you can just call me over to comfort you, kiss me knowing full well how I feel about you, fuck me to lick your wounds after Nayeon left you because you know you can get me to comply easily, and then say it was all just a mistake and that you weren’t thinking straight?” You clenched your fists to stop yourself from standing up and shrieking at him. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Why is it all me?” Jungsoo shot back, his voice rising. “I seem to remember that you weren’t exactly trying to stop me, were you? You were just as much a part of it as I was, Y/N! And you don’t get to say it now like I’m the one with all the fault here! Not when you kissed me back and let me lay you on the bed and let me f––” He stopped himself, but you had already heard enough.

“I did those things because I love you!” you spat. “Because I’ve been wanting you to touch me like that for so long! Even when I know you were thinking of Nayeon the entire time, I let you fuck me because it was the only way I’d ever come anywhere remotely close to you returning my feelings!” You clenched your jaw, seething at him. “And you knew that, you piece of shit! You knew I’d think like that and let you kiss me, and touch me, because you know full well how I feel about you! That’s why you kissed me. Because you needed easy, cheap comfort and I was the perfect thing you could use to get it!” You stared at him. “Is that all I am to you? Your plaything to ignore when it suits you and toy around with when your poor feelings need––”

“It was a fucking hook-up, okay?” Jungsoo shouted. “That’s all it was, so just – just stop making it into something you can use to cause a fuss, okay? Just forget it!” He snapped his mouth shut. Something like regret at his harsh outburst seemed to flash in his eyes, but you didn’t see it, didn’t want to see it. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing – Park Jungsoo, your best friend since adolescence, was really going to sweep last night under the rug. He was really willing to pretend that you two hadn’t crossed an impossible line, that he had kissed you and fucked you and used your feelings for him to make himself feel better. He wasn’t going to apologize, he wasn’t going to talk about it, he wasn’t going to make any effort to take responsibility.

And you – you were done. You were done being considerate of him, you were done putting a damper on your feelings for his sake, you were done being hurt by him over and over and over again and still crawling back with the flimsy, all-too-pathetic excuse that you loved him. You were done with him, and whatever was left between the two of you.

“Fine,” you said, standing up. “Fine, I’ll forget it. I’ll forget it for you, so you do something for me too, Jungsoo. You go back to the past three years when you skirted around me and ignored me and treated me like a nobody. You go back to not bothering with me, not contacting me, not listening to or giving a damn about a word that I say. Live your life without me like you did with Nayeon. Don’t you dare think of me, and don’t you dare step foot anywhere near me.”

You picked up your purse and stormed from the apartment, slamming the door. As you stomped down the hallway, you heard the door open again, and Jungsoo call out your name. You sped up your gait and didn’t look back.

You never went back to Jungsoo’s apartment. He tried calling, texting, even meeting you, but you avoided all his attempts. You didn’t want to see his face, and you weren’t sure you’d ever want to again, even until you died.

That day in his home was the end of a long chapter of your life. Your friendship with Jungsoo was no more, and when anyone asked about it you simply said that things had changed. The text message he sent you a month and a half after the incident was the last exchange the two of you shared.

[Jungsoo 😇 – 3:46 A.M.] I’m sorry.

[Jungsoo 😇 – 3:47 A.M.] I was wrong.

[Jungsoo 😇 – 3:47 A.M.] I miss you.

[Jungsoo 😇 – 3:47 A.M.] …don’t you miss me?

[You – 7:59 A.M.] I’d rather be insane.

[harrynightingales]

Straight male writer: 6 years is nothing to an immortal! Their relationship needs ANGST to be interesting!! Me: am I supposed to believe that these two men, who have been together for almost a millennium, who KNOW that any death could be their last because their immortality isn’t guaranteed, wouldn’t speak for SIX YEARS??? (If the unspeakable happened during that time period the survivor would never forgive himself!)

i'm with you anon!!! i actually have a lot of rambly thoughts on this and now feel enabled to share them because hey, you started it! under the cut because this is long as hell

edit: just as a heads up i read this as anon referring to the writer of the ttt3 moon landing story who to be fair i don't know if he is straight, or just as a general ~straight man writer~ perspective

first of all hard agree that the idea of angst = complex and interesting is really frustrating. i say that as someone who definitely can and does enjoy angsty miscommunication based fic but it definitely strikes me as something a) quite rare for them and b) not at all required for an interesting story. there are so many potential experiences for the anthology writers to explore that focusing on conflict all the time seems. uncreative.

anyways the 6 years comment has been fully disregarded by me. in general i have the approach of picking the canon/word of god comments that i like and ignoring the rest. specifically, it strikes me as the type of thought a writer would have when first writing about immortals, the whole idea that years pass like its nothing because they live so long. i imagine the writer was guilty of the same thing that grucka himself admitted to, of picking something that sounded cool because it was ~possible with immortal characters (in grucka's case, randomly picking 6000 as an age for andy) without actually thinking through the implications and whether it makes sense.

because as i mentioned in my reply (which i assume you saw?), the human experience of fighting with someone you love and not speaking to them fucking sucks. it feels good and satisfying for all of what? a day? and beyond that you just miss that person, especially when they are so intertwined with your every day life the way joe and nicky are. and exactly like you said, why on earth would they willingly put themselves through that when we canonically know how much they value and love each other?? because the way i see it you can fully disagree with someone and be angry with them but still make it clear that you love them by communicating. and the silent treatment is truly just the absence of any sort of communication and i can't imagine a scenario where an argument would be so very important to justify that level of anger to avoid any communication for more than a few days.

to be clear the actual events of the comic are not the main concern for me. i do think the philosophical differences between joe and nicky that are highlighted are interesting and would naturally bring some tension. i even can kind of understand the choice to go silent on each other - joe really eloquently explains his point to andy, but maybe he hadn't quite figured out his own thought process enough to explain it at the time of the original argument with nicky. and the hill i will die on re: joe/nicky's relationship is that it is built on respect, i imagine they would be emotionally mature enough to not lash out in anger and potentially say something hurtful that they can't take back. so choosing to remove themselves from the situation and not speak so as to not make things worse makes sense, as an initial reaction. where it loses me personally is that you can see that both ~activities if you can call them that are really important to joe and nicky. for joe, seeing the moon landing and appreciating beauty and progress in the world, and for nicky, serving justice to more people that caused innocent people harm (the "more" very consciously there because joe obviously also believes in their work and stopping injustice, but in this case they have different priorities past a certain baseline). and going back to my idea as respect as foundational for them, part of that in a relationship is recognizing that what is important and of value to your partner becomes important to you, even if you don't fully understand it. the way that joe so earnestly talked about wanting to experience the beauty of the moon landing and wanting to experience it with nicky makes me believe that nicky would reconsider his priorities, especially taking into account the "once in a lifetime" nature of watching the first the moon landing vs simply the convenience of having the hitlist targets all at home. and similarly, even if joe isn't fully convinced that everyone on nicky's hitlist needs to get taken out, he would recognize how and why that is important to nicky and not allow it to be something that comes between them, because like i said earlier fighting for justice is something they have in common. so in my mind the most in-character ideal response would be "argument of what to do next after taking out the serial killer -> both explain their positions and why that is their priority -> COMPROMISE". 

but ANYWAYS that huge ramble aside, the main plot "fight" of their's is not such a big deal to me, especially since its clear that joe knows nicky will call and its implied that he does shortly after the event of the comics. if anything, as others have said, it just seems FAR better suited for early days in their relationship rather than multiple centuries into it when they would have PLENTY of opportunity to iron out their moral approaches to killing plus gone through Communication In Relationships 101.

it really is just the 6 years comment that grinds my gears. again, a 6 year silent treatment argument could maybeee make sense in like, the first century of their relationship, as they were figuring stuff out and also before they discovered the fact that they can lose their immortality. like you said anon, once they have that information, i truly cannot believe they would willingly waste that much time over something that can't have been all that consequential. and i really don’t understand the argument that “because they’re immortal time doesn’t mean the same thing to them and 6 years is nothing!!” because imo that’s just.. not how the brain works. like they are fully human and process emotions as humans, and the human way is that conflict/anger/stress feel BAD, especially when you’re in the middle of it. your emotions are heightened which would put you on edge and feeling irritable and the brain is absolutely NOT meant to be in that state for an extended period of time. and again, why would they put themselves through that when they could just?? do the grown up thing and have a conversation. what would be the motivation to experience those shitty feelings for 6 years when an alternative exists?? not to mention greg's comment that the two of them had never willingly spent time apart, and even if they were still (indirectly) interacting while not speaking, the emotional distance it would require to be physically next to someone and disregard them like that for MULTIPLE YEARS runs really contrary to the way the relationship is presented. 

that being said i do find this post super funny and i definitely can imagine them going through the motions of "negative" relationship experiences (can you say jealousy and lorenzo???) entirely for the sexual payoff. but again, to take it kinda seriously, even that in my mind would be based on a foundation of understanding that they do love each other and they're not really REALLY mad at each other, just

p.s. i wrote almost this whole thing in a daze about 24 hours ago and then i saw this post which makes a lot of the same points as me so hopefully this isn’t repetitive and i’m sorry op i promise i wasn’t stealing your ideas. nice to be on the same page as others though!

[imagining-supernatural]

Confessionals Between Sheets Are So Much Scarier Than Confessionals In A Church (by P!ATD)

Chapter 9 of Life Changes (Hopefully For The Better)

Summary: After the back-alley romp with Bucky, we go at it again at his house, and he doesn’t dare me to share my feelings... but I do anyway

Warnings: Bro, we got some post-coital Emotions goin on in here

Word Count: 1706

Later that night, safe between Bucky’s sheets, I couldn’t help but laugh in disbelief, forehead pressed to Bucky’s chest.

“What?”

“Nothing it’s just…” I laughed again at the strangeness of it all. “We fucked in an alley. Anyone could have walked in and saw us. But we—I don’t know, it was fun.” Lifting my head, I fixed my laughter-filled eyes onto his. “I promised Nat you weren’t corrupting me, but maybe you are.”

“Hey, now. I’m not corrupting you, doll. It’s the other way around. You’re the one who dragged me into the alley—”

“I didn’t hear you complain.”

“—and it was the first time I had sex in public too. So this was all on you.”

“I would have never dragged anyone else into that alley, Barnes. There’s just something about you. Therefore, it’s your fault.” I meant the words to be light-hearted, but I got the strangest feeling that I’d just confessed something I probably didn’t want to.

Luckily for me, Bucky didn’t seem to have picked up on that. “If you think I would have followed just anyone into that alley, you’re wrong. It’s your fault.”

“Fine,” I sighed dramatically. “I’ll take the blame for the super fun, back alley, public sex we had. If you absolutely insist.”

His lowlit grin made my damn heart stutter. Like, literally stutter. I should see a doctor about that. “Glad that’s settled.”

And speaking of settled, there was this new feeling flying around my head and chest, trying to get me to acknowledge it and find a place to settle in. It grew louder the longer I stayed wrapped up in his arms. It became more insistent as I kept my eyes on Bucky’s face, watching his micro expressions as he checked his phone for a second. And it near about jumped up my throat and out of my mouth when he put his arm back around me and tucked me in closer to him.

His eyes landed back on my face and froze for a second before I felt his hand trail up my back and his thumb rub at my forehead, which I’m sure was scrunched up in confusion. “You’re thinking hard.”

“I’m—” I couldn’t figure out how the hell to say anything. I hadn’t found the words yet. But…but I wanted him to know. It felt important for him to know.

But I was too scared. This could change everything. It could ruin everything. But I couldn’t not tell him. I needed to vocalize this feeling.

“Buck, you’re gonna have to dare me to tell you because I—I—I can’t. I can’t do it on my own.”

A sheet of silence covered the room while he studied my face, eyes jumping between mine. “I’m not going to dare you, Y/N. I want you to tell me because you want to—”

“I do. Buck, I do want to. But…”

“But you’re scared to,” he finished in a whisper barely loud enough to be heard. At my nod, he pushed his fingers from my forehead back into my hair. With his hand tangled in my hair, he pulled my forehead down to his. “You don’t have to be scared with me. About anything.”

That’s the thing. That’s what was so scary. But I couldn’t exactly tell him that. How could I let him in on that secret? Let him into my life like that?

But if I didn’t tell him right now, the moment would pass and who knew when I’d get another chance? That feeling fluttering around my body wasn’t letting up, and it certainly wasn’t making anything any easier.

“Bucky, I need you to prove me wrong,” I whispered. It was easier with my eyes closed. “I need you to prove me wrong because this isn’t just sex to me anymore and I trust you and that means something. And I’m so fucking scared to even admit that. So I need you to prove me wrong and not abuse that power I just gave you because I feel like running. I hate this. I hate feeling vulnerable and you make me feel vulnerable, and I want to get as far from that feeling as I can.”

“But…” he prompted, as if he knew I wasn’t done. As if he knew that I needed that push to finish my confession.

“But I don’t want to leave. You make me feel vulnerable, but you also make me feel confident and strong and beautiful and you make me laugh and something is telling me that sticking around is worth it, even with how scary it is, which makes it even scarier. So, I need you to prove me wrong, Buck.”

The only movement in the room was Bucky’s fingers massaging the back of my head and neck while he let my words settle into the air. I buried my face in his neck, heart hammering in my chest. I’d never said anything like that to anyone before. Never confessed something that could change the fabric of our relationship. When I’d confessed my crush to Nat, it had been after the fact. I’d been over her. Nothing had to change.

But this confession? Something had to give. It couldn’t stay the same.

I was terrified.

Then Bucky’s arm came up around my back and he sat up, keeping me tight to his chest until I fell into his lap and he arranged my legs to be wrapped around his waist. The hand on my neck slowly urged me face from his neck. “Hey, Y/N? Look at me, please.”

It was really the last thing I wanted to do, but confessing everything to him had also been the last thing I’d wanted to do, so I took a deep breath and faced him. The moment my eyes met his bright blue eyes, I froze.

He smiled softly, tilting his head. “Hi.”

“Hi.” It was a fucking miracle I managed to say that word.

And he just looked at me for a few seconds before leaning forward to capture my lips in a kiss that ended far too quickly. “I trust you too, you know? Every time I have a bad day or I just need someone, it’s you that I go to. I lean on you too much because if you’re gone one day, I won’t know what to do. See, you’re scared of people choosing to leave. People choosing to hurt you. I’ve seen too many people leave because they don’t have a choice. I lost so many friends in Sokovia, in the war. When I came back, I didn’t think I’d ever trust anyone that much. I didn’t want to. I—I…”

His Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed hard and looked away. The pain in his eyes broke my heart. He never spoke of his time in the military. Never talked about what it was like over there. Who could blame him, really?

“I didn’t think I deserved to feel that kind of trust again.”

Oh, Bucky… My hand found its way to the stubble on his cheek, and he leaned into my touch.

“That’s why, when I moved in with Steve, I kept thinking about Natasha. She’s unavailable. But I needed some sort of… of… of connection to stay sane. So, I made one up with someone who would never feel the same. Someone I would never try anything with.”

“Someone you could never have, so they could never leave you or get hurt.”

He nodded, eyes flickering up to mine. “Then you drunkenly suggested we sleep together to get her out of our minds and, I don’t know. I couldn’t get that offer out of my head. I kept seeing you around and I tried so hard to stay away. But whenever I was around you, it was like all of those voices in my head were quiet. I tried to stay away,” he repeated quietly.

“Why?”

“Because no one deserves to have to deal with my shit.”

He kept a distance from people to save them from himself. I kept my distance to save me from everyone else.

“Then why did you call me that first night?” I asked in a whisper, pulling myself closer to let him know I meant no offense by the question.

“The voices were too loud and I got scared.” His eyes drilled earnestly into mine before he tore them away and looked over my shoulder as if the eye contact was too much for him. “That was the first night since I came home that I actually slept through the night. I knew there was something about you.”

“You didn’t call for another two weeks,” I mumbled.

Bucky nodded slowly, deep in thought, deep in memories. “I…I needed to work some shit out. I thought that if I slept with you again, I’d grow too attached and end up fucking up your life. That one day, everything was going to come back to haunt me and you’d get stuck in the middle of it. I never intended on calling you again.”

This time it was my turn to prompt him to continue. “But…”

“But… I went to the VA and talked to some of the guys there. There was this one guy, Sam. He gave me that push to call you again. Told me that sometimes you have to be selfish enough to take what you need, as long as it’s not hurting someone else. There was just the possibility that this would end up hurting you in the future. But at the moment, you seemed to be enjoying yourself and I definitely was.”

“And you deserve something good.”

Bucky’s eyes shot up to mine in surprise. “That’s exactly what Sam said.”

“I’m glad you called again. And again… and again.”

“And I’m going to keep calling, Y/N. Because I trust you. And I want you to trust that I’m not going to hurt you—”

“Not on purpose.”

“Never on purpose. And I know you won’t either. So, whatever this is between us, we’re on equal footing.”

A small laugh huffed from my mouth and I shook my head. “Never thought it’d be so reassuring to know that equal footing means we’re both scared out of our wits.”

NEXT CHAPTER

[dragonologist-phd]

OC-Tober: Mentor

OC-Tober Day 1! Gonna kick off the month with a snippet for Mercury based on the prompt #9 from @oc-growth-and-development‘s list: Mentor. This is also part of @cobaltash‘s OC event!

Mercury (aka Myrcelle to her family) is my tiefling alchemist from Pathfinder: Kingmaker and one of my few OC’s who doesn’t have a super angsty family backstory, so I figured I’d give her family (or at least her dad) a little bit of a spotlight! (visual reference here)

“You set your school on fire?”

Myrcelle looked up at her father with wide eyes, her hands clasped behind her back, desperately trying to portray as much innocence and regret and I-didn’t-mean-to as her seven-year-old body could muster. “It wasn’t the whole school. Just my desk. And just a little one.”

Arthur Primm sighed heavily, leaning against his worktable as he did so. Myrcelle watched nervously, knowing that whatever happened next would be an indicator of just how much trouble she was in. So far it wasn’t looking good- her father had removed the thick glasses from his eyes and was rubing his temples, which he only did when he was very tired or when he was about to ‘have a talk’ with one of his children. He was quiet for a while, his eyes still closed, and Myrcelle quietly considered simply tiptoeing out of the workshop before he could remember to lecture her.

But then she’d have to go through the front of the shop where her mother was, and her mother’s talks were way scarier than her father’s. That was why she’d come straight through the backroom of the apothecary after school. She’d have to face her mother eventually- Callum would surely tattle on her before the day was out- but hopefully her father would see her side by then. After all, he was the one who had experience with things like experimenting and inventing and accidently setting things on fire, so maybe he’d be a little more understanding.

At last, Arthur took a deep breath in, put his glasses back on, and gave Myrcelle a patient look. “Why did you set your desk on fire?”

Myrcelle huffed and cross her arms, forgetting for a moment to look pitiful. “Well, it wasn’t on purpose.” Her tail flicked behind her in irritation as she remembered trying to explain that to her teacher, with very little success. “I was trying to make alchemist’s fire, like you do! And I thought I did it right and I was just gonna show it to my friends. Except…I guess I did it wrong because it didn’t stay in the bottle like it’s supposed to. But I didn’t know it was gonna explode right in the middle of Miss Harp’s lesson!”

Arthur blinked, surprise taking over the stern disappointment as he listened to Myrcelle’s story. “Alchemist’s fire? Myrcelle, you know you’re not supposed to touch the dangerous things in here.”

That much was true, Myrcelle had to admit. She’d been helping her father in the apothecary since she could walk, and she was allowed to help mix healing potions and simple tonics. And that could be fun- the apothecary was her favorite place in the world, with its endless rows of neatly organized elements, the comforting heat of the fires, the smell of dozens of simmering mixtures.

But Myrcelle quickly realized that the stuff she was actually allowed to touch was so boring compared to what her father made for the adventurers who came to the store- things like explosives and acid bombs and liquid fire! She was supposed to learn how to do that kind of stuff when she was older, but it was really, really hard to wait that long when all the ingredients were sitting right there on the shelf, just begging to turned into something magical.

“I just wanted to see if I could do it,” she said earnestly, hoping beyond hope that her father would know what she meant. Butterflied danced nervously in her stomach as she waited for his reaction.

Arthur tilted his head and studied her through those thick glasses, not saying a word- until, to Myrcelle’s surprise and relief, he shook his head and chuckled. “Well, you are certainly your father’s daughter.”

Myrcelle grinned, her remorse quickly evaporating as it seemed she would not be getting yelled at- not right now, anyway. “Try telling Miss Harp that. She says I get into trouble all the time ‘cause I have devil’s blood.”

For a fraction of a second, Arthur’s brow furrowed, and he suddenly looked very angry after all. But the look was gone too quickly for Myrcelle to be sure, replaced with her father’s usual patient expression as she said firmly, “You get into trouble because you don’t follow the rules. Blood’s got nothing to do with it, and if your teacher is still saying that then maybe your mother should go have a talk with her.”

The image of Liana Primm delivering one of the lectures she usually reserved for her children to one of their teachers made Myrcelle giggle. She bounced on her toes, all traces of sorrow completely forgotten now that her father seemed to surely be on her side.

“So why didn’t my fire work?” she asked, her focus shifting to what she felt was truly important about the day’s catastrophe. “How do you get yours to stay in the bottle?”

Arthur raised an eyebrow. “When you were pilfering my stores for flammables, did you think to grab a stabilizing solution?”

“A what?”

In lieu of answer, Arthur turned to a shelf of bottles and took down one of the bright orange vials of Alchemist’s Fire. Myrcelle couldn’t keep the smile from her face as he held it up, the bright orange liquid shimmering like a jewel in the firelight. And most noticeably, not bubbling and broiling like hers had ended up doing.

“If you really want to learn, I can teach you,” Arthur said. “But you have to follow the instructions. No doing it by yourself, no taking bottles to school. Can you handle that?”

“Yes! Yes I can, I promise!” Myrcelle said eagerly, hardly able to keep still as she processed this exciting new development. “Can I start learning now?”

“Myrcelle!”

The sound of Liana Primm’s voice caused both Myrcelle and her father to jump. Her father shot her a guilty look as he gently put the bottle away. “Later, I think. As happy as I am that you’re excited to learn, I think you’re also grounded.”

Dang it, Callum, Myrcelle thought grumpily. Her brother was such a tattletale.

“Myrcelle, get in here now!”

Myrcelle sighed and headed to the storefront. She knew she was in for a long lecture, and probably a whole month of extra chores. But at least she would have the image of the bright orange fire and the anticipation of her father’s recipes to keep her spirits up.

[mothmvn]

i’ve talked my anglo friends’ ears off about this already but it basically never ceases to strike me, just how kind and thoughtful songs/media directed at children made in the 70s-80s USSR were

like songs like “голубой вагон” or “цветные сны” or “крылатые качели” or even sth silly-sounding at first glance like “пусть всегда будет солнце” - all aimed at kids, and all have struck me unexpectedly hard at different points long after i was the target audience... the examples are basically endless, and even tho they’re prime material for the actual 70s-80s-90s kids to grow up and become super jaded about (case in point: “прекрасное далеко”), if you take them at face value they sure strike Something

maybe its the ridiculously persistent MINOR KEY in them - do they want children constantly Wisftul? it’s working... but also lyrics in said minor key like “детство кончится когда-то, ведь оно не навсегда; станут взрослыми ребята, разлетятся кто куда / но пока мы только дети, нам расти ещё, расти - только небо, только ветер, только радость впереди”, or “слышу голос, голос спрашивает строго: а сегодня что для завтра сделал я?” am i just nostalgic? perhaps

or maybe its how seriously they take kids and their emotions, whether addressing them from a “fellow child” POV (the little mammoth song breaks my entire heart still) or an “adult speaking to children” POV (any of the songs from the russian Mary Poppins, or the verses in “пусть всегда будет солнце”), and how earnestly they state pretty damn basic kindness! like, show me an english song for kids that says “in school they teach you [i.e., basically, an important thing in life is] to forge super-super strong friendships and treasure them from early on”! or one that enumerates the positive qualities a little person should be raised to have, which are genuinely pretty basic (earnest, noble, fair, clever, honest, strong, kind - прекрасное далеко also has “клянусь, что стану чеще и добрее, и в беде не брошу друга никогда”)! or a song from a mary poppins movie, sung by a hippie living in a front yard, talking about how no matter how shitty you feel, just trust that there’s someone out there looking for you in the gloom and rain of life! fuck!!!! and like, even when they’re silly, theyre not unkind! they’re hopeful, or funny, or something positive.

i don’t know, theres something about the whole “casually a musical” thing that a lot of russian films do that i’m very fond of (the three musketeers are in my head Largely through song)

and soviet cartoons have so much heart, originality, style - there’s basically no two that look alike, tons of them are stop-motion clay animated and look absolutely beautiful for it... and sure, when i rewatch some of them now, i see the clear uhhhh propaganda-ish elements (how much more blatantly anti-imperialist could the bremen musicians or the flying sailboat(?) be lol), but as a kid they were just... fun! stories! pretty animations! fun songs!

OR they could also be wistful, somewhat adult-aimed maybe but still perfectly palatable to kids - жил был пес, ежик в тумане, падал прошлогодний снег... and then you rewatch them later and youre like Oh this hits different despite it still being a man who grows a tiger tail... don’t even get me fuckin started on garry bardin, that man’s simplistic medium of like, bits of rope, hit at parental issues i didn’t know i had as a child

not to be “that guy” but i’m genuinely grateful i grew up on this stuff instead of the western tom-and-jerry/looney tunes, or stuff like маша и медведи, (and i cant even think of song equivalents, maybe less of a tradition of child songs in english/french aside from nursery rhymes? maybe i just didnt grow up with them bc i am not a Real Canadian?). it breaks my damn heart that it’s so hard to share them with my anglo friends cos they’re excellent, and i feel like... i don’t want to say “all kids should hear this/watch this” bc that feels arrogant and obnoxious, but i’m really glad that children can/do/did hear/watch these messages of kindness and understanding, if they speak russian

[funkymbtifiction]

How to differenciate enneagram 5 vs 6?

I don’t have as good of a grasp of 5s as I do 6s (not being one, and all the 5s I know being Super Private), so I’m going to paraphrase from Richard Rohr’s book on the Enneagram (which is terrific, btw).

“Many Fives go through life and gather what they can get – in the hope of filling up their inner vacuum. In this way Fives become receptive and responsive. If Twos are under a certain compulsion to give, Fives are equally obsessed with taking. Five’s passion for collecting is often directed to thoughts, ideas, knowledge, silence, and space. There are also Fives whose greediness has hardened and who can hoard the most remarkable things: books, stamps, beer mats, old newspapers, fabric remnants, toothpaste tube tops, used milk cartons. […]The root sin of the Five is avarice. Fives aren’t givers. They tend to hoard both their intellectual as well as their material possessions. They are stingy about themselves. Avaricious Fives don’t enjoy life, but are stingy with their possessions so that their repose and leisure will be guaranteed in the future.”

“Sixes easily succumb to self-doubt. That makes them look ahead, fearful and mistrustful. They continually sense danger. In their most immature form they are victims of paranoia. Sixes long for certainty. […] Many Sixes report breaks in their life history; they couldn’t complete their studies or training. They are often overcome by a paralyzing fear of failure shortly before the examination; or they don’t make progress in learning because they have to scrutinize every detail and eliminate all contradictions. They are more likely to question their own position than to defend it with certitude. The Sisyphean task of making their own opinion watertight can ultimately lead to actual failure. […] Sixes fight for their survival but never for success, which only conceals new dangers. If they do succeed at some point, they usually forget it immediately.”

Temptations:  

“The temptation of Fives is knowledge. For Fives, knowledge is power. Immature Fives think they can secure their lives by being informed about everything in as much detail as possible. But the information they pick up is never sufficient. Fives need yet another course, another seminar, another semester, another book, another silent retreat. They are fascinated by intellectual systems that explain the universe or the human soul; psychoanalytical models, theories of types, Einstein’s theory of relativity, quantum leaps, the Big Bang, evolution, laws of heredity.”

“The temptation of the Six is their exaggerated striving for security. Sixes are “devil’s advocates.” They have a sixth sense for absurdities and suspicious elements. The primary defense mechanism for Sixes is projection. They often have a rich imagination for scenarios of apocalyptic terror and often anticipate the worst.”

Defense Mechanisms:

“One of the defense mechanisms Fives like to use is withdrawal. Fives are afraid of nothing so much as emotional engagement. The more immature they are, the more they shy away from feelings, sex, relationships that create dependency.”

“The defense mechanism of the Six is to project hostility, hatred, and negative thoughts onto other people, even when there is scanty evidence of it. The mistrust they harbor against themselves leads to imagination their own negative motives present in others as well.”

To conclude, a 6 is a more linear thinker than the 5. 6’s care about results, 5’s care about tearing things apart and finding out where established theories break down.” As the Enneagram Institute says, “Fives are bolder than Sixes in their positions and creativity, but also far less practical. Fives feel they can only trust their own minds to come to conclusions—they believe everyone else is likely to be less well-informed. Sixes get frantic trying to find something to trust precisely because they do not trust their own minds to come to meaningful conclusions.”

The 6 will move into action as long as they feel secure in their support system (beliefs, friends, family); the 5 is more prone to endless researching without moving forward (they never feel “ready”). 6’s actively engage others, while 5’s stand on the sidelines and observe.

He has many positive things to say about both 5s and 6s (5’s emotional detachment enables them to be completely objective ‘judges’ of situations; 6’s are warmhearted, deeply emotional, highly original, and witty) but since 5’s are often ‘glorified’ and made into the SPESHUL and most desirable Enneagram type online, I wanted to focus on their negative traits and pitfalls, since the point of Enneagram is not to pat yourself on the back, but earnestly evaluate your motives and behavior.

It bears reminding the readers the most likely Five core is an INTP, with IXTJ next. Most feelers who type as Fives are 4w5 or 6w5, since the desire to be unique and the ‘rare’ special and ‘deep’ Enneagram 5 is a 4 motive; and the more self-trust based 6w5 identifies with their wing.

Remembering the fears is important. The 5 fears they cannot cope with the outside world, so they dive into book learning as a way to keep the world and its threats at a distance and put a barrier between them and the frightening outside world. They think if they read enough books, or amass enough knowledge, they won’t fail at life. The 6 fears they lack the sufficient inner ballast to go at life alone, so they seek for an external source in which to place their faith and give them a sense of security – faith, an expert, the facts, a political party, a relationship, a family dynamic, a belief system. They engage with the outside world, but hesitantly.

- ENFP Mod

PS: If you have several hours and cannot afford his book, you can YouTube-watch Rohr giving one of his lectures on the Enneagram types. Here is Part 1 (1-4) and Here is Part 2 (5-9). Here he talks about the wings (he believes you favor one, but when developing both, become a healthier self). I warn you, he does not pull punches. He is both kind and brutal in talking about the desperate antics of each type. If it makes you cringe, you have found your core. ;)

[baalzebufo]

Can I ask what you love about Ronaldo? :o sorry if I'm bothering you, I just haven't seen any love for him in the fandom, I'd love to hear you ramble about it!!

do NOT worry i will take any opportunity to ramble about him!! this got really long and is basically a small essay sorry about this, ill put it behind a readmore but. i have a lot of feelings to unleash

so like, ive always loved the human characters in SU, just tossing that out there to start. they have some of the most relatable aspects of the show for me and i think work really well to ground the show and have that human aspect and provide the Other Half of stevens life. and i relate really strongly to all of them- lars is a huge example, bc of the way his anxiety and depression is portrayed and how it Can cause you to lash out sometimes when you hate yourself- like, ive been there during my less healthy periods and tbh. i had the same feelings with ronaldo

heres this late-teen-early-twenties dude who hasnt done much with his life and hasnt got a lot of friends and is widely considered to be the weird outcast. he doesnt have the best grasp of social cues, he is kind of inappropriate sometimes without meaning to be and occasionally insensitive, and more than anything hes searching for purpose and importance in life. one thing i feel people tend to overlook about him is that inferiority complex- its made very clear in keep beach city weird (the ep) that he basically has a full depressive breakdown when he learns he isnt actually at the center of any big conspiracy. and like, as someone who has struggled with the feeling of being tiny and unimportant in the universe, lemme tell you i FELT that. especially when other people seem to be so much better than you? people need to feel at least some kind of validation and self-importance to feel alive tbh

i think it gets overlooked bc it isnt focused on nearly as much as it is w some other characters and i could be overanalyzing i know, but i feel like its pretty much subtext he has some form of depression- his mood swings pretty strongly and hes clearly very emotional and has outbursts. in my neurodivergent eyes he is absolutely coded with Some kind of mental health issue or neurodivergency, with his hyper-obsessing over his interests and ignoring everything else for the sake of them, and ofc his tendency to have a full on meltdown when hes Wrong and Not Special. i just feel like theres so much more THERE that people could explore but goes unappreciated? like- during future boy zoltron, he asks a question to steven (offscreen) but considering stevens response is ‘deep down, your father really loves you’ its pretty strongly implied there ronaldo is... perhaps more aware of his impact on his family and loved ones than he shows outwardly. its never hugely focused on but theres snippets that just make me super fascinated to know about him

and ofc i have to bring up my favourite piece of Ronaldo Lore, the comic Anti-Gravity. please PLEASE read it if you are interested in him because imo it does the best job of showing what hes like- hes eccentric and weird and lets his imagination run wild sometimes but deep down he wants to help people and be appreciated. sometimes those desires lead to him being selfish or hurtful, and i dont think he even realizes hes doing it sometimes, because whenever hes called out about it he tends to rethink his actions. but in that comic he helps steven save the day and has. this rly good quote: 

‘for once, i know i can help! you were right- i didn’t understand how dangerous these anomalies could be, but the whole reason im even talking to you now is because i care.’

hes a dreamer and he lives in his own little world a lot of the time and likes to reject the reality he considers Boring where he is just another normal person among billions but he does earnestly want to help people. he just enjoys the weird and unusual and wants to be proud of that, which sometimes leads to him ignoring social norms because he doesnt care what people think.

this post got into the like ‘deeper’ stuff, but dont get me wrong i also just think he is VERY funny and cute. hes extremely silly and whenever i see him being a Huge Fucking Dork it warms my heart bc. idk, im also a dork. im a twenty-something dude who tries to be proud of being weird and loving my strange interests and seeing another character like that in a show i love just... we Connectin. but in general i feel like he could have so much more!! and is widely ignored by the fanbase bc they find him annoying (or creepy). which is fair, aint nobody have to like a character if they dont want, but i certainly will love him and put together The Pieces. is it probably just headcanon and speculation?? yeah, maybe. but rly, would ronaldo have it any other way

[toonstarterz]

BECAUSE I’M NOT POPULAR, I’LL READ WATAMOTE: CHAPTER #162

Tanabata has come around once again to offer a generation of high schoolers some false hope in order to distract them from the cruel reality that is life. At least, that’s what the old Tomoko might’ve thought. While the world ultimately didn’t hand everything to her on a silver platter, Tomoko’s half-hearted hope did actually manifest into something she holds dear. The question now remains...

What does she strive for now?          

Chapter 162: Because I’m Not Popular, I’ll Make A Wish

“I wish that Watamote would get a 2nd season!”

Ahem...moving on.

Nothing like a little friendly brooding to start the day.

In a weird, ironic way, Yuri seems to empathize with Tomoko over mutual apathy. The one constant they share is that they both like to take the path of least resistance in life. While Yuri may be a little off the mark at times, having that unspoken bond is a great point to start from.

So we knew Nemo recognized that Tomoko was a former loner, but Yuri, too? Then again, it’s been hinted at before that Tomoko is kind of an open book and that the people around Tomoko are more perceptive of her than she’d like to believe. So yeah, Yuri knew Tomoko barely had friends before she met her (a fact that likely fuels her codependency tendencies). But like any good friend, Yuri stuck around despite that history.

Still can’t get over her casually calling her Yuri-chan.

For a hardcore introvert like Yuri, doing something for the sake of being social with no practical purpose seems illogical. It makes total sense that traditions like Tanabata aren’t really her cup of tea. Just how much Yuri is aware of that is still kind of fuzzy, but no less endearing, 

Reiterating a joke I made in the previous chapter, but Tomoko really ought to take a crash course in psychological projection.

Taking a stab at Yuri’s desires, now...I’d say it would be to have someone who really understands her. Or for Minami to lose her fang. Either or.

Wow, I wouldn’t have figured that Ucchi was the type to write in all caps.

I always wondered if the sugar-sweet and dragged-out way that moe anime girls yell “Senpaaai!” was actually grating by real-life Japanese standards. Looks like I was right.

Now those school fan clubs for the ridiculously attractive girl/guy that you sometimes see in manga are starting to feel pretty legit right now. 

“Pfft, basic bitches,” thought Tomoko. 

Smooth like butter.

You know, I think that Tomoko being unable to come up with something is a solid indication that she’s relatively satisfied with her life right now. Sure, she has career goals and whatnot, but she no longer feels troubled by material desires or short-term gratification. Like Yuri, it may be that Tomoko has more intangible, emotional desires that aren’t easy to put into words. But also like Yuri, Tomoko may have recently already gained that.

Occasionally–just occasionally–a few earnestly pure-of-heart moments from a cute manga girl is all you really need.

...Especially when it’s immediately offset by Tomoko being Tomoko.

Ohhhh, boy. That last comment by Tomoko is opening up all sorts of questions regarding her sexuality. I’ve mentioned before that Tomoko may be dealing with some sort of gender dysphoria and I think that’s becoming more apparent than ever. For one, her totally normal-not-at-all-creepy desire to NTR her kouhai assumes that only a guy could do that to Hirasawa. It also implies that Tomoko would only acknowledge liking girls if she identified as male. Not once did Tomoko consider that she, as a female, could NTR another female. All in all, there’s a bit of internalized homophobia, repressed sexuality, etc. at play here, and it’s going to take a bit of soul-searching for Tomoko to sort it all out.

Once every thousand years, we get some actual chibi art out of this series.

Bless you, Nico Tanigawa.

The best part of this Hirasawa-vision is that Tomoko is drawn exactly the same, just with lighter tones. Hirasawa’s not blind, just optimistic, which makes her heroine-worship so much more earnest.

Normally, super innocent girls like Hirasawa who get overly excited on trivial things tend to rub me the wrong way, mostly because I have a hard time thinking young girls are that simple-minded. But there’s something about Hirasawa that feels genuine. It may be because her excitement feels like its deriving from a sense of loneliness. Like an overreaction from latching onto any lure of female friendship. 

It’s also just cute.

Tomoko...I’m pretty sure that’s your confirmation bias talking right there.

We don’t even need to see anything above the waist, but you can tell exactly who this is based on context alone...

I was wondering how Ucchi actually manages to do that Darth Vader thing with her mouth...

...then I remembered how her face looks and it makes perfectly no sense.

Guys, I...I think Ucchi finally broke.

Actually, Miyazaki, it may not be phrased as a wish, but it definitely is a wish...

I really enjoy the little bits of characterization in everyone’s wishes. For Yuri and Tomoko, like the BFFs they are, they have the same, most basic wish since they don’t really have any other burning desires. It’s also short and sweet, and without any fluff, as they would normally be if speaking out loud. And lastly, Yuri doesn’t leave her last name, as if she doesn’t want to attach herself onto her wish that far. 

Katou, on the other hand, is all giddy and sweet, using words like “hope” and “together” when effectively making the same wish. She uses “we” without naming anyone, making it an all-inclusive wish. Just what you’d expect from the class mom.

Tomoko’s habit of “lying on reflex” actually makes a great deal of sense. She’s the type who has trouble expressing her vulnerabilities, and lying is a standard defense mechanism, just like Yuri’s noncommital attitude, Nemo’s passive aggression, and whatever Katou most certainly has.  

Oh, Yuri, you precious bean. I know jokes aren’t your forte, but your emotional responses–or lack thereof–makes for a great punchline.

Did ya’ll notice how Tomoko’s second wish is exactly what Imae wished for last year? Tomoko may not always make the best decisions when comes to carrying the torch of The Great Megumi Imae, but you can’t deny that she’s making a concerted effort.

Guess Tomoko isn’t the only one with enough nerve to turn a Tanabata wish into a dirty joke...

Damn, we all knew that Fuuka was getting an unhealthy fixation over Katou and Tomoko’s “secret” relationship, but never to the point where it was affecting her studies, and by extension, her after-high school prospects. It hints that the series may be taking this misunderstanding into a direction that’s not entirely played for gags. It’s a risky move because such a development could easily come across as contrived if taken seriously, but if they keep it character-driven a la Ucchi, it could make for some really engaging moments. 

C’mon, Fuuka. How did you think people were going to take that?

Of all of the people who’ve been “corrupted” by Tomoko, Fuuka may be taking the most damage out of all of them. Poor thing.   

Let’s see here...

Sometimes I worry about Itou’s sense of self when she always identifies herself by her relationships with others.

Yo, Komiyama doesn’t even bother mentioning the Lottes by name because “Who else of any importance could it possibly be?”. Never lose faith, Komi.

Sweet, naïve Mike. She (and her boyfriend who’s somehow still kicking) is set up to be this series’ greatest tragedy.

This is Tomoko Kuroki, everyone. The girl who can’t see the raging emoji-faced horndog right in front of her, but will misconstrue a single misunderstanding as a pervert. Selective perception, ain’t it?

Well, it is a great opportunity to anonymously judge people’s inner desires, so Tomoko’s probably right.

Here we go again...

Nice to see that Nemo has practical, but optimistic expectations for her goal. She knows that she’s in her prime and is ready to hit the ground running. 

The thing about Yoshida’s wish is that it implies that she knows she’ll be faced with resistance. Still, I gotta respect her individuality.

Okada’s wish feels like a cry for help if you look at it another way. That’s probably not the case, though. Probably.

That’s the beauty of it all, Tomoko. In the end, you really didn’t do anything. At least, not directly. What you did was make yourself into an example for Nemo to follow. One of Tomoko’s greatest attributes is that she’s unapologetically herself, which is how she eventually got noticed–and in Nemo’s case, admired–in the first place.   

Quakey legs + short people problems = cute Tomoko. 

Aw man, what I wouldn’t give for this to be a running gag. That in all those chapters where Tomoko was all alone, there was actually somebody she knows now that was in the scene, too. It (sort of) first happened with the dick-pics-in-class chapter and the three-legged race guy, after all. Poor Tomoko has all this baggage that can be used against her now.

For those with shitty memory like me...

“I want to lose my virginity in a year so I don’t lose track of my bigger goals.”

Of course, she’d forget about the part that actually mattered.

Well, you know, Tomoko, they do say that every joke/lie has a kernel of truth.

I noticed that a lot of (comedy) manga seems to like elevating the value of losing(or saving) one’s virginity to absurd levels, at least in the inexperienced minds of its teenaged male characters. Tomoko herself has perpetuated this notion in the past. But even so, the “in-universe” outside of Tomoko’s mind never really aggrandizes sex, and I find that it to be a very refreshing change that shows how, in reality, as Nemo suggests, losing your virginity isn’t really that big of a damn deal.  

Good ol’ Tomoko logic at its finest.

Nemo looks...surprisingly serious about that. Normally that kind of talk would catch her off guard a little, but she had no hesitation with that retort. I think that’s solid evidence that Nemo has done more research into the nature of the voice acting industry, especially after Tomoko unintentionally trolled her with that eroge. 

This could lead to even more intellectual (if not openly sexual) conversations between Tomoko and Nemo that go beyond their usual bantering. That’d be pretty lit. 

Well, if Tomoko is a direct reflection of the author, then she probably thinks light novels are mostly for loser otaku trying to live their perverted fantasies through self-insert literature (at least, what I gathered from Write Sisters).

Well, I’m be damned if that isn’t blatant foreshadowing for where Tomoko’s future is headed.

Even though I saw it coming a mile away, it still gives me the warm fuzzies.

As fantastic as it would be for Tomoko to be an accomplished light novelist with Nemo voicing a character in her anime adaptation, I feel like that level of success would be a little out of reach for this series’ approach to realism. 

If I were to look into the future, I’d say that Tomoko would write a light novel that’d be successful just enough to be greenlit for an ultimately mediocre anime adaptation. And Nemo, being a rookie, would either be not cast at all, or be given a bit part for a background character.

Of course, that’s all speculation. As Nemo says, the freedom to dream is the one thing we can count on. And if there’s one thing the mangaka has learned from doing this series, it’s that being realistic doesn’t mean you can’t have a happy ending. 

I guess being considerate/decent to complete strangers is still locked out of Tomoko’s comfort zone. 

I think we found a member of Rena’s family.

Man, the more we get these tidbits of Imae’s legacy affecting the school (and Tomoko), the more nostalgic I get for her. I sincerely hope we get to see her at least one last time before the series is over.

And in tried-and-true Watamote fashion, we get a little bit of Tomoko’s wisdom to end off another thought-provoking chapter.

In retrospect, there wasn’t a whole lot of “action” in this chapter that could be built upon later. It was mostly a series of gags sprinkled with some nice conversation (at least until Nemo’s part). One of the core themes that Nico Tanigawa seems to be playing with is, “Now that Tomoko has come this far, where does she go from here?” And the answer is...

They don’t know. 

Legitimately, I don’t think the mangakas know exactly what Tomoko’s endgame will be. Sure, they have some strong ideas in terms of school and career, but nothing definitive. As s result, I think playing with the gags and jokes a bit more is their way of “stirring the pot” and seeing what comes out. All of Watamote’s greatest developments did originate from comedy, after all. The first Tanabata chapter is a prime example of this, and I have no reason to think that the stars of the second Tanabata chapter won’t shine over Tomoko once again.

[machihunnicutt]

What the Downton Movie Owes Me (but will probably not give me): Some Thoughts on Thomas Barrow

yes...I wrote 1k+ words on this. I’m so sorry.

I’m watching Downton Abbey for the 3rd (4th?) time with my sister who hasn’t seen it. I love this glorified soap opera to death, y’all, with the full acknowledgment that this show does a horrible job with a lot of its plot lines designed to tackle complicated issues: disability (the ableism against Bates via the house that he never gets apologies for, Matthew and his spinal injury/wheelchair that is always framed as life-ending and making him nothing but a “burden”), class (the Branson/Sybil marriage is alright, but there are countless missed opportunities to interrogate the relationship between upstairs and downstairs, particularly Carson’s attachment to a family that monopolizes his life and the lives of all its employees), (I’m going to leave race and gender alone because I think it does a pretty decent job when these issues come into play but feel free to lmk if there’s something I missed!), and sexuality, which is what I want to get into.

So granted, I understand that I’m not the target audience for this show. I understand that Downton’s gay characters were not written primarily to be relatable, multifaceted representations of gay people in a period drama. I get that Downton’s target audience is older, straight people for which representation isn’t super important. But, I have watched this show at least 3 times now and I’m still angry about its treatment of Thomas Barrow, so I’m going to break down why:

1) Things We Know About Thomas Barrow

I really like early seasons of Downton because, for all its drawn out drama and plot twists, it cares a lot about character development and consistency. Many characters (dare I say the majority) do mean and bad things and yet, we are still empathetic because we’ve spent time with them, understand why they make the choices they do, and see them learn from their mistakes (early seasons Mary is an excellent example.)

Thomas Barrow is my favorite Downton character because of the great narrative work they do in this regard. In the first episode we learn several character traits of his that continue to be important throughout his arcs:

- He doesn’t trust easily and has few friends in the house. (AKA, boy’s got a bad attitude. It’s better to act like you hate everyone than give them the chance to reject you.) I found this immediately endearing (because of who I am I guess lol), and though I understand why people don’t like his character because of this, I think it’s a good move for a character you intend to have grow over a long period of time. Opening up, accepting help from others, and showing kindness are all parts of Thomas’ future storylines, actions that show his slow growth from this facet of his character. I also think it’s important to note that when Thomas does make friends he is loyal to them (I’m excepting O’Brien from this category given there’s so much backstabbing between them that it’s a stretch to call them friends) and will take risks to protect them (Examples: befriending Lt. Courtenay and later fighting Dr. Clarkson to keep him at the hospital; befriending Lady Sybil and speaking kindly about her when he doesn’t have nice things to say about anyone else upstairs, later earnestly mourning her death in a show of vulnerability he generally masks; befriending Jimmy and looking out for him when he gets drunk at the fair, going as far to get beaten up to save Jimmy; befriending Andy and helping him learn to read; befriending the kids of the house and saving them from that one nasty nanny who was mistreating them.)

- He’s a romantic. The man wants to be loved and jfc I wish the show gave him a good love interest.

- He’s easily manipulated. (More on this later, but for now...) The Duke plays him, and it’s cruel, but it shows how easily Thomas can be tricked when he’s offered affection and the chance to leave Downton for something better. (Also note: from day one, he’s wanted to leave Downton!)

- He’s the evil gay trope. The gay villain trope has a long and complicated history and sure, you can say Thomas’s sexuality and role as an antagonist aren’t connected, but the show doesn’t exist in a vacuum and it feeds into a long history of villainizing LGBT and LGBT coded characters. The thing I hate most is that they get really close to subverting it in Thomas’ best moments (his work in the hospital during the war, his relationship with the kids, his gradual opening up to people in the house) but alas...

2) Why I Hate The Jimmy Kent Arc More Than Anything

Okay, so it makes sense for Thomas to be manipulated by O’Brien. That’s consistent with his character and I don’t fault the show for melodrama because that’s what it does. What I hate, is that the show depicts Thomas’ attraction to Jimmy as predatory and when he is punished for trying to kiss Jimmy while he’s asleep (which is assault) the house (and I’d argue, the show) frames this as bad only because Thomas is gay and Jimmy is not. In the show’s narrative Jimmy is mad because he’s homophobic, not because he’s been violated. And his and Jimmy’s ensuing friendship would be genuinely sweet if it really was just an issue of homophobia and not one of ASSAULT!

I’d argue, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t portray Thomas as predatory and then brush it aside to make a statement about tolerance, because assaulting people is bad regardless of the sexuality of the perpetrator. You either need to punish his actions for what they are or get better at story telling and not rely on the predatory gay stereotype.

But, secondarily, I’m bothered by this arc because it doesn’t seem in character, to me. I know Thomas does a lot of bad, stupid things, but I don’t think it makes sense for him to be predatory. In his best moments he is protective, romantic, and loyal. Yes, we see him as rash and naive, but his actions never felt right for the character, to me. I just think it’s lazy writing to handle his attraction to Jimmy this way, especially given the development of their friendship afterward. It would’ve been so much more satisfying and narratively interesting for Thomas to express his feelings for Jimmy in a respectful way. Jimmy is the only character we see Thomas have genuine feelings for (not motivated by upward mobility as in the case of the Duke or I guess(?) racial stereotyping in the case of Kemal Pamuk...but lbr his pass at him was mostly a plot device) and I think the arc would’ve been so much more fulfilling if we saw it as Thomas’ attempt to love someone fully and honestly, even if it ultimately doesn’t work out the way he wants it to. And I don’t get why they didn’t do this! Because the Jimmy/Thomas friendship ends up being sweet, and useful for each character’s development. They just had to make it gross by beginning with an assault. Just a huge, lazy, waste of a potentially good idea.

3) The Last Season Was Bad For A Lot Of Characters But They Did Thomas Extremely Dirty

I don’t know where to start with the last season because I think they ran into so many problems because they forgot how to use great characters effectively (Mary is a prime example!!) and started just throwing them into dramatic situations for the sake of plot and not keeping actions consistent with established character.

For example, life at Downton is the roughest it has ever been for Thomas in season 6, to the point where he is alienated by most in the house (I’m not going to talk about how badly Carson treats him and how much of a tyrant Carson is in the last season because again, I think it comes down to the writers forgetting how to use their characters effectively) and attempts suicide. All in all, I just don’t like this because it’s predictable and overdone. Gay people in period pieces almost always have overwhelmingly tragic stories and it’s not fun for me to watch anymore. What most disappoints me though, is that when everyone else is getting paired off in the fan-servicey ending, Thomas’ consolation prize is being the butler??? To a house full of people who’ve hated him??? He’s wanted from the beginning to leave Downton and in the end he doesn’t.

Don’t get me wrong, if the show had shown me his change in attitude and relationship to the house, given me this character development in meaningful ways, and not used a suicide attempt as a half-assed catalyst for change, I would be all for Thomas as Downton’s butler. I think that if they’d done the work of making it a believable and constructive next step for his character, that I’d really like it. I think Thomas’ relationship with the kids (particularly George! I’d watch a whole movie about that!) is well done and I think it echos Carson’s relationship with Mary, but better. But you! have! to! do! the! work! to! get! the! audience! there! You can’t give me a whole season of Downton nastiness and Thomas suffering and then expect me to buy that this is his happy ending.

4) What I Want From This Movie

I don’t think I’ll get it (though a love interest for Thomas via the trailer is encouraging), but here’s what I want:

- Show me why Thomas Barrow as Downton butler makes sense. And if you can’t, let him leave and be happy somewhere else because he deserves it.

- Show me how he’s grown. Show me his relationship with the kids and how he’s better than Carson because I need it!!

- Let Thomas be in a relationship that is healthy and not manipulative or coercive or a plot device for drama.

- Let him be in love and don’t make it a sad story. Please.

I find Thomas Barrow such a compelling character because he isn’t perfect. He makes mistakes. He does bad things. He grows. He changes over the course of six seasons. He’s a gay character in a period drama whose story isn’t about being ashamed of who he is. It isn’t about denial or apologies or pretending he’s someone he isn’t. And I think that’s significant. I just wish they’d done a slightly better job. :)

(Thanks for reading. I’m gonna keep being a Thomas Barrow stan even when no one watching with me thinks I’m valid lol.)

[owenepierce]

One, Two, Three || BlamOw

Who: Sam Evans, Blaine Evans and Owen Pierce

When: May 9th, 2020

Where: Sam Evans’ suite.

Notes: Owen and Blaine give Sam a birthday present. (Wanky) @submissivexblaine @sammythedominant

The party had been an overall success. They'd had a few close friends and family over for lunch, cake, and some heated Mario Kart tournaments. It was still only about 4pm when the last of the guests decided to head out, but everyone wants lots of time to prepare for Prom that night so it was understandable. The only one to stay behind was Owen, who had volunteered to help Blaine tidy up after. With two sets of hands, clean up when super quick. Blaine closed the dishwasher and pressed start while Owen finished wiping off the counter. "Thanks for all your help!" Blaine said to the other sub, smiling brightly.

It had been a fun night to say the very least. Not only was Owen happy to have gotten to spend time with Sam and Blaine, both of whom he was beginning to like a lot - but he got to meet other people in the process. He had only arrived a little over a month ago, but already he felt as though he was making a solid group of friends and that had always been a very important aspect of his life. Things had been pretty great for the blonde submissive for past week or so; between prom and all the new friends he was making, Owen was in a great mood which left him more than happy to stick around and help tidy up after the party. He felt it was the least he could do in return for being included in the festivities. Wiping the last bit of crumbs from the counter and into his open palm, he smiled back at Blaine. "Oh, don't sweat it! I'm happy to help. I mean - it's the least I can do since I didn't bring a present or anything..." He discarded the crumbs into the waste bin and turned around to wash his hands. "By the way? Me losing at Mario Kart tonight? Total fluke. I demand a rematch. Y'all didn't have Toadette unlocked and she's my lucky character. I totally would've won otherwise."

"I'm about to sound real corny here but I have to quote my amazing mother-in-law; Your presence is a present on its own."" Blaine smiled, "But still, thank you for the help. This went so much faster with you around." He turned his head and squinted at Owen, "You know your character choice has very little to do with it, right?" He teased, "But Daisy and I absolutely kicked your butt." He winked, "If you want to lose again though... be my guest."

Drying his hands, Owen nodded in mock agreement at the notion that he'd simply lose to the other submissive again. "Oh, I so look forward to proving you wrong, Blaine Evans." Moving to stand next to Blaine, he gave him a playful nudge with his shoulder. "You should know that I can be super, super competitive - so if you're really gonna  challenge me you better be ready to bring it." Owen grinned at Blaine and looked around the kitchen, a part of him wanting to find something else to clean so that he wouldn't have to leave. He had been having way too much fun and the last thing he wanted to do was head back to his suite and the pile of homework that was waiting for him there

Sam walked into the kitchen, with a big smile on his face. He'd been able to overhear the submissives playfully arguing over their performances on Mario Kart, and he found that he really liked the sound of two subs in the suite, doing their chores. "First of all, you're both wrong. Me and Luigi would kick both your asses," he grinned as he stepped over to Blaine, and kissed his boy's lips softly. "Secondly, thank you for an awesome party. And you, Owen, I know you helped out, and I'm really grateful," he smiled, before reaching out and patting Owen on the arm.

Blaine turned when Sam entered the room. "You and Luigi only won as much as you did because somebody kept throwing blue shells all the way from ninth place." Blaine said with a pointed look at Owen. "I'm glad you had a good time at the party, Master." He said. "Owen was a big help." He added, smiling again at the blonde sub.

Owen smiled sweetly when Sam came in and kissed his submissive. It was uncharacteristic of him to not be immediately jealous seeing hot people in love if they weren't in love with him; but there was something positively adorable about this couple in particular. Their chemistry was natural and in many ways it resembled the love he grew up seeing between his own parents. Owen open his mouth and brought a hand to his chest in mock-offense when Blaine teased him about over-using blue shells. "I don't know what you're talking about..." he teased. The blonde quirked a brow at the use of the title 'Master' - that was a new one. He briefly wondered if it carried a different connotation for how they carried out the Dominant-submissive aspect of their relationship; but he left that thought to the wayside for now, smiling and shaking his head modestly at their gratitude. "It's no trouble at all, guys. Honestly. I'm just happy to have been invited. I had so much fun."

Sam chuckled at Blaine and Owen's playful bickering, and lightly goosed Blaine's ass. "Me and Luigi won because me and Luigi have years of experience playing together," Sam grinned, and then caught how Owen's brow quirked at Blaine's use of his new-ish title. He knew it could sometimes catch people off-guard, especially since Blaine had spent so long calling him Sir, but it felt so right to them both. He smiled over at Owen, and how sweetly he shook his head. "You really had fun?" Sam asked innocently, before he glanced over at Blaine with a little grin. They'd both talked about how they both found Owen ridiculously attractive, of course. Teasingly, Sam pulled off his t-shirt in front of them both, and laid down on the counter. "You said something a few days ago about liking me shirtless, right?" he teased.

Blaine couldn't help but facepalm a little when Sam's shirt came off. He knew it would cause an adorable reaction in Owen, and Sam was definitely having too much fun with that kind of power. "Careful, Master, I'm sure Owen doesn't want his eyeballs to fall out of his head before he gets crowned Prom King tonight." He teased.

Owen’s bright blue eyes followed Sam’s movements innocently; from his hands reaching for the bottom hem of his shirt, raking upwards as the Dominant pulled the fabric up and over his head. His jaw dropped ridiculously and his head went blank as he struggled to comprehend how one person could be so ridiculously attractive. Before he could regain what little composure he had left, Sam had laid himself on the counter, stretching out his adonis-like frame beautifully in front of him. It was almost too much for poor little Owen to handle. Almost. After a beat and all-too telling gulp, he regained his usual air of flirtatious confidence and smirked. "I sure did, sir. But it's not my birthday...so I don't really know why I'm the one getting a treat right now." He reluctantly tore his eyes away from Sam's ridiculously toned abdomen and gave Blaine a wink. "That's exactly what's keeping me together right now - the possibility of winning that title. I don't know how you function around this on a daily basis." He gestured teasingly to Sam with a light chuckle. "I'd be a mess and a half." He said earnestly, shaking his head as he turned to meet Sam's expression that demonstrated just how pleased he was with himself. It would be infuriating if it wasn't so damn adorable.(edited)

Sam couldn't help but grin as he saw Blaine's reaction. He knew Blaine still had moments where he reacted a little like Owen was reacting, to seeing Sam without a shirt on, or totally naked. It always did gave Sam a little boost in his ego. He laughed a little as Owen managed to get his confidence back and tease him right back, and grinned as Owen teased Blaine too. "Well, if you don't think you should be getting a treat right now," Sam said playfully, as he looked down at himself, "maybe the birthday boy should be getting a treat from both of you," Sam's smile took on a dirty quality as he looked between both submissives. He reached out with both hands, one hand resting on the collar around Blaine's neck, and one resting on Owen's shoulder. "I mean, you both want to make this a good day for me, right?" he asked, giving them a teasing pout.

Blaine blinked, looking at Sam's expression carefully to be sure he was understand his Dominant correctly. They hadn't really delved into play with other people much before, but they had talked about it. And Blaine liked Owen, so if ever there was a time and a person, it was now and with Owen. Blaine glanced over to the other submissive to try and see what his approximate feelings were, before looking back to Sam. "Really, Master?" He asked, also wanting to make sure Sam wasn't just teasing.

Biting down softly on his bottom lip in apprehension, Owen's gaze followed Sam's hand to his own shoulder, taking in a breath at the obvious implication of what the Dominant wanted before looked back at Sam, a teasing smile playing at the corners of his lips as his eyes darkened a bit with lust. It would come as no surprise that Owen would kill to make Sam's birthday one that he'd be replaying in his head for weeks on end - but the circumstances called for him to be a little more considerate than usual. As attracted as he was to Sam, Blaine was a new friend; one that he had every intention of keeping, so he wouldn't do anything without knowing for sure that Blaine was one hundred percent comfortable as well. He turned to Blaine, and spoke aloud to Sam but kept his eyes trained on the other submissive, looking to gauge a reaction. "Honestly? I'd like nothing more and I think that's pretty high-key obvious, sir... But, Blaine? I'm not gonna do anything if you're not cool with it..." His eyes darted downwards and back up to Blaine's face, wetting his lips as he worked to reign in his impulsive urges. There was a literal god, shirtless and asking for a blow-job in front of him and for Owen to be holding back at this point was an incredible feat. "It would be super hot..." He teased persuasively in a softer tone, smiling excitedly at the other submissive as he reached out and idly massaged Sam's shoulder as he awaited the verdict.

Sam could tell that both boys would were looking for reassurance here, and he knew that was the Dom in the mix, it was down to him to make sure everyone was happy and safe right now. He leaned in again, and kissed Blaine's lips softly. "I'm really good with this, but only if you are, sweetheart," Sam murmured. "You know I don't ever push for this kind of thing, so if you're both comfortable, I want you both to say so right now," he said, directing his last sentence to both of them in a slightly louder voice. He kept his hands where  they were, but gently stroked Owen's shoulder and Blaine's neck.

Blaine offered a soft smile in Owen's direction, grateful that the other sub wasn't pushy about it, and was willing to respect his space if he needed it. Looking back to Sam he could tell that this was something the Dom wanted, and Blaine wanted it too, despite a small amount of nerves about it, but Sam would be there for him and would take care of him, he knew that. "I'm good with this, Master." He said, and turned to Owen. "I am, I promise." He assured the other sub.

It took everything Owen had to keep from squealing in excitement when Blaine assured him that he was alright with it. "Awesome. I'm totally fine with it too - like, one thousand percent okay with it." He said a little too eagerly. Gushing, he held out his hand for Blaine and pulled himself in a little closer. Closing his eyes, he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to the other submissive's cheek, his other hand trailing idly along Sam's taut, muscled forearm. "If you're not okay with this even for a second...just say so, 'kay?" He said comfortingly to Blaine. "I mean...I know I don't have to say that, but I don't want you to feel like you'd bum me out if it gets to be too much. I'm cool either way." With that, he turned his gaze towards Sam, met his eyes and smiled mischievously as he took in Sam's bare torso once more. The blonde submissive sighed adoringly. "Fuck..." It wasn't like Owen to curse unless the situation really called for it - and this instance certainly did.

Sam smiled at Blaine and gently squeezed his boy's neck reassuringly. He watched as Owen and Blaine held hands, and grinned to himself. He really liked the idea of anyone they both played with being comfortable enough to do something like that, on a different level of intimacy and sweetness. "You're really kind, Owen. I like that," he said softly, patting Owen's cheek gently, before the blonde submissive started checking out his torso once again. Smiling, Sam took their hands and led them out of the kitchen, feeling fairly confident that Blaine wouldn't want to make a mess in the kitchen. Once he got them into the main room, Sam let go of their hands and moved ahead of them. Playfully, he began to pull his pants down and hopped out of them, leaving him in just his tight black briefs. "You boys can get as naked or stay as clothed as you want, whatever you both like," Sam smiled.

Blaine took Owen's hand and smiled. He kept holding it even as Sam led them out of the kitchen and to the main room, and as the Dom removed his pants Blaine licked his lips. He blinked at Sam when he gave the instruction about clothing though, and wasn't totally sure what to do. Normally, Sam was very clear about when he wanted Blaine to stay clothed and when he wanted him naked. Blaine wasn't sure what would be more comfortable for Owen either... He didn't want to make the other sub uncomfortable with his choice, not to mention, he himself was a little shy about showing his body to someone who had never seen it in full before.

Owen brought a hand to his mouth and giggled watching Sam adorably hop out of his pants and onto the couch. It was entirely unfair on literally all levels that someone could be so devastatingly sexy and ridiculously cute at the same time. Heaving an amused sigh, the blonde beamed at Sam's offer and gave Blaine's hand a little squeeze before dropping it. "I mean - normally I like to be a little tease, but it's your birthday sir - so I'll play nice this time." He winked cheekily and fluidly took his t-shirt off, revealing the relatively muscular frame underneath. He wasn't on Sam's level by any means - but his arms were swollen still from his workout earlier and his chest had been looking especially good. After his recent run-in with Karen, or whatever his name was, Owen was more than eager to show off the fact that he was not, in fact, a twink by any means. Without an ounce of hesitation the boy stripped off his pants to reveal the adorable pair of tight baby-blue briefs (a departure from his signature color - but a welcome one as it made his eyes pop...not that Owen's eyes are where he wanted Sam's attention to be directed, of course) Smiling cutely at the Dom, he toyed with the waistband and cast his lust-ridden gaze towards Blaine - hoping his own comfort with nudity would prove to be infectious.

Sam sat down on the sofa, and watched Owen strip. It felt a little strange to have someone who wasn’t Blaine strip in their suite. While Sam had a boyfriend in Nate, and still played with others subs like Silas every so often, it was usually somewhere else. This, somehow, felt more intimate, and Sam really liked it. But of course, Sam knew to keep an eye on Blaine. It didn’t pass him by that Blaine hadn’t moved to take his clothes off, and he knew that Blaine had body image issues that crept up every so often. He smiled at Owen, but he reached out to Blaine and ran his hand down his submissive’s clothed chest. “You’re beautiful,” he murmured, looking straight up at Blaine, “and I get to say that because I get to be the lucky guy who sees you naked every day. If you want to keep your clothes on, that’s okay, but I don’t want you thinking it’s because you don’t compare. You definitely do,” Sam said quietly, though he knew that Owen was close enough to overhear.

Owen definitely didn't have the same hang-ups about his body that Blaine did, that much was obvious immediately. And damn, the other sub had a nice body... very nice. Blaine's expression was rather similar to Owen's own expression the first time he'd seen Sam. Speaking of which, there Sam was, bringing him close and whispering words of encouragement. Blaine knew he was easily the least attractive person in the room, but he didn't want to be the only one wearing clothes either, so after Sam's gentle words he pulled the polo shirt off his body and then undid the belt of his bright red skinny jeans. He wiggled out of them, leaving him in just his tight navy underwear, biting his lip as he automatically knelt by Sam's feet.

Owen felt a pang of guilt in his gut when he realized Blaine hadn't shed a single article of clothing by the time he was down to his underwear. The blonde submissive wasn't exactly known for being very modest so it never occurred to him that Blaine might not be so quick to drop his pants - especially considering the fact that Owen found Blaine remarkably attractive. Smiling softly at Sam's words of encouragement, he felt for a moment like a bit of an outsider...which was, all things considered, accurate. Owen was used to being the star of the show, so to speak - and as a naturally jealous person his normal reaction to something like this was to get huffy and turned off. Oddly enough, that wasn't happening in this case. He was simply witnessing a caring Dominant, smartly noting his submissives hesitation and doing what he could to make him feel better. It was sweet to behold and Owen wanted to do his part to make Blaine comfortable too. Following the other's lead, Owen knelt next to Blaine and propped his head on Blaine's shoulder. "He's right, you know." He said with a grin. "You're ridiculously attractive... I'm like so down to make sure you know that when it's not a certain someone's birthday." He winked cutely and pressed another smooch to Blaine's cheek before clearing his throat and turning his attention back to Sam, looking up as prettily as he could from his position at his feet. Boldly, Owen scooted forward bit, intentionally resting against the inner side of Sam's leg, pushing his legs apart to make room for Blaine to join him.(edited)

It was times like this that Blaine was super grateful for the Fillipino half of his heritage because the white half of him was blushing like a schoolgirl. He was just dark enough though that aside from a slight tint of color to his cheeks no one would be the wiser. Except maybe Sam, who knew him inside and out. "Thanks, Owen." He said softly. He then scooted forward to join the other Sub between his Dominants legs and oh how weird it was to be sharing this space. But surprisingly... not a bad weird. He too, looked up at Sam, his eyes searching for guidance as he was definitely put of his element right now

Sam watched both submissives carefully, and felt a lot of gratitude towards Owen as he followed Sam's lead and reassured Blaine about how attractive he clearly was.  He spread his legs a little more, giving both boys room to kneel as close to him as possible and then, smiling, he raised up off the sofa a little, and pulled his briefs down his legs. Still smiling, he began to stroke himself in front of both boys, his gaze moving from one, to another. "Both of you can touch yourselves, but Blaine, tell Owen whose pleasure comes first in this suite," Sam grinned, reaching out to stroke Blaine's cheek lightly. He knew not to push anything that might be humiliating, but he was hoping he could guide Blaine into speaking a little more openly, when it came to dirty talk.

Blaine leaned into Sam's hand against his cheek, the silent reassurance immensely helpful in this unfamiliar territory. He turned to Owen and with a smile, he stated the obvious. "Master's pleasure always comes first." He told the other sub, and even though Sam had given permission for him to touch himself, he made absolutely no motion to at all because he hadn't yet been given the go ahead to touch Sam.

Owen stayed where he was and made no movements to remove his underwear. He was sensitive to Blaine's feelings at the moment but that didn't take away from his own confidence. He squatted three times a week and had the bubble butt to end all bubble butts to show for it. Removing his underwear now would only make him want to prop that booty out - an action that would surely wrap up the festivities quicker than he'd like. So - he kept his garment on and simply leaned in, letting a breath of hot air fall from his slightly parted lips against Sam's semi-hard cock. He moved in just close enough so that if Sam decided to, he could take his mouth in a split second - but he kept his distance just enough so that the element of anticipation remained and with it, so did the tension in the room. Owen felt his own cock throb with desire. He licked his lips and cast his gaze up at Sam with an air of faux-innocent. "Don't you worry, sir - my priorities have been in order from the get-go."

Sam grinned as he saw Blaine's smile to Owen, and rewarded Blaine with a little ruffle of his hair. He turned his attention to Owen, and licked his lips as the submissive made sure Sam could feel his warm breath on his cock. He smirked a little. "You know I don't put that innocent look for a second, right?" Sam teased, as he gripped the base of his cock. He tapped his cock head against Owen's lips, before he turned back to Blaine. "You're going to show Owen how your Master likes to have his dick sucked, sweetheart," Sam told Blaine firmly, before winking at his submissive. "Show him everything you've learnt since we got together."

Blaine didn't need to be told twice. He didn't hesitate at all to take Sam's cock in his mouth. He started slow, aware that Owen was watching, but after a moment he began to forget about that and instead focused on the task at hand. The nice thing about this being a daily task, and one of Blaine's primary ways of submitting to Sam, is that it always put him into the first phase of subspace rather easily. Which was enough for Blaine to forget about being self conscious, so that he could do his best at showing Owen exactly how to move and suck and lick in all the ways Sam loved.

Owen graciously retracted a bit to grant Blaine the space he'd need to 'show' him how to suck Sam's cock. Internally he scoffed at the notion. It wasn't that he believed himself to be better than Blaine at oral sex, but he certainly wasn't worse. Owen didn't pride himself on a lot - but there were two things he knew he had on lock: 1. a great ass and 2. he was incredible with his mouth. Boys didn't cum in mere minutes with someone who wasn't. Still, Owen gave Blaine the floor, idly bringing a hand to Sam's muscular thigh, rubbing it gently as he watched Blaine work the dominant over.(edited)

Sam let out a long, content groan as Blaine started to suck him. He had Blaine do this at least once a day, and couldn't remember the last time his morning hadn't included a blowjob from his boy. He smiled as he watched Owen move back a little, and reached out to cup the submissive's cheek, as Blaine blew him. After a few long moments, Sam smiled fondly. "Blaine, we share our favourite toys in this house," he teased gently. "I want you both to work together, boys. Work it out," he ordered in a firmer voice, curious to see what the two subs would do.

Blaine reluctantly pulled off. Right, sharing. That would take a lot of getting used to. He looked at Owen, and shifted a little to let the other sub come closer. He ducked back in to lick at Sam's cock again, positioned as such that Owen had room to do the same. He'd never given a blowjob with someone else before... so he had no idea what the best way to wrok together on this was.

Up until this point Sam had been super casual and playful and Owen adored it - it kept things light and fun, but through it all he never let them forget that he was the one in charge. The renewed firmness in his order sent an immediate shiver of pleasure through the blonde submissive and sent him a little closer to getting into that state of mind in which he was less about the teasing and one hundred percent about the pleasing. Glancing at Blaine, Owen noted the others uncertainty and decided it was up to him to take the reins on this one. He took Blaine's hand and scooted in once more, keeping Blaine in tow. Grasping Sam's hard cock in one hand he pressed a gentle, yet searingly passionate kiss to the head, fluttering his blue eyes shut as he withdrew, a trail of pre-cum remaining to connect his lips to the other's member. Owen knew from experience that the visual was half the fun and made a good blowjob into an excellent one. Opening his yes once more he salivated the inside of his mouth and took Sam's head in through a suctioned parting of his lips, only holding it between them for a brief second. "I think Blaine and I'll make an awesome team, sir." The blonde said with a wink. Turning to Blaine, he gently urged the other in towards Sam's cock so that their lips were practically meeting at the head. Meeting Blaine's gaze he smirked. "Let's work together, B." With that, he boldly leaned forward and captured Blaine's lips in a heated, open-mouthed kiss, making sure to stroke Sam's hard cock with his free hand, keeping it hovered over them as they made out - giving the Dominant a view that he'd surely appreciate.

Sam watched both submissives closely. He was pretty sure the best part of blowjobs was watching how eager people could be, and Owen was proving to be very eager. Blaine had brought that same eagerness a lot in the past, and he couldn't wait to see his boy taking that eagerness, and sharing it with Owen.  "I think you guys are definitely gonna make a fucking awesome team," Sam grinned, as he watched the beautiful mess Owen was making with his lips. He watched as Blaine moved forward, and as he watched Blaine getting kissed, with his cock head touching their lips, Sam groaned loudly and precum dripped from his cock, and against their lips. "Fuck," he whispered, his eyes wide as he watched Blaine and Owen together.

Blaine couldn't help but stare as Owen just straight up upstaged him in the blowjob department. Blaine had some more research to do, apparently. But his thoughts were instantly distracted by Owen's lips crashing against his and oh! Okay. That was happening. It helped that Owen already tasted a little bit like Sam's cock, but it was still a very different experience than kissing Sam was. It took him a moment, but once he had processed what was happening and the imaginary 'buffering' wheel disappeared from his mind he made sure to pay some attention to Sam's cock again with his mouth while Owen worked with his hand.

Pulling away teasing from the kiss with a little love-bite to Blaine's bottom lip, Owen gave him a quick wink and leaned back so that Blaine could suck at Sam's cock while he jerked it fluidly with his hand - the combination of both their saliva and the dominant's pre-ejaculatory fluid making for perfectly lubricated surface for Owen to pump his hand down while Blaine sucked at the head. Leaning forward, Owen kept his eyes locked on Sam and pressed a searing kiss to the inner side of his thigh. He smirked at the sight, proud of the mess both he and Blaine were successfully turning Sam into. Gracefully, he moved out from between Sam's legs, leaving the space for Blaine to occupy. He dropped his hand to fond the dominant's balls as Blaine sucked him before he leaned in and pressed another kiss against Sam's hipbone and then, raising himself up on his knees, he kissed his side, trailing kisses from point A to point B as he continued to massage Sam's balls, humming against the flushed, taut skin of his obliques all the while.(edited)May 9, 2020

Sam knew this was easily going to be one of the best blowjobs of his life, just seconds into it.  He reached out and stroked his fingers through Owen's hair as the submissive played with Sam's balls, and dropped kisses along Sam's body. He loved that, it wasn't a regular thing that somebody would worship other parts of his body during a blowjob. "Fuck," he moaned softly, his free hand moving to Blaine, and stroking his submissive's cheek. He arched forward a little so he could lean further back on the sofa, inadvertently pushing his dick a little deeper into Blaine's mouth. "God, I definitely made a mistake here. You boys are gonna kill me," he said with a dopey grin on his face.

This teamwork thing was actually not a bad idea. By himself, Blaine could blow Sam, or tease other parts of his body, but not usually both at the same time. He only had one mouth after all... but with Owen, judging by the reactions coming from the Dominant, well... they were doing something right. Spurred on by Sam's noises he took his cock right down to the base as the Dom thrust upwards a little, swallowing around it and holding himself there for as long as he could before he needed to pull back to breathe.

Smirking knowingly against Sam's skin, Owen noted how Sam reacted to the attention he was paying to his body - body worship was probably one of his favorite kinks, so he'd have to keep that in mind for next time...and with the way this was turning out, the blonde was fairly certain there would absolutely be a 'next time'. Chuckling as he made his way up Sam's body, Owen stopped at the dominant's nipple and flicked it teasingly before he pressed a kiss against the side of his left pec, fluidly continuing his way upwards, kissing at his collar bone until he reached the crook of Sam's neck where he swiped his tongue against the searing, flushed skin he found there. "Mmm... Well I don't want you dying on us, sir... I guess now wouldn't be a great time to ask you to rip these briefs off me, huh?" Owen figured no birthday was complete without a healthy serving of cake - and he was more than happy to serve his up for Sam to enjoy.(edited)

"Fuck, Blaine!" Sam gasped out as Blaine took him right to the base, still grinning so sweetly. He ruffled Blaine's hair gently, and smirked down at his boy. "You always know how to make me feel amazing, sweetheart," Sam groaned, knowing that Blaine must be tasting his pre-cum now. He bit his lip as Owen flicked his nipple before kissing at his pec. His hand came up to entangle itself in Owen's hair as the boy moved further up his body. "Feeling like you need some attention on that ass of yours, Owen?" Sam asked teasingly, as his hand moved from the back of Owen's head, to trail down the submissive's chest.

Blaine pulled off Sam's cock for a moment to focus some attention on his balls with his mouth. After a moment he looked up, his big brown eyes taking in the sight of the two gorgeous men above him. He could get used to that, he decided. Blaine took Sam's cock back into his mouth again, slowly sucking it down deep into his throat.

Owen shrugged nonchalantly, a boyish, playful grin gracing his features until that smile was cut off by a groan at the sensation of Sam's fingers tangling themselves in his own blonde hair - a particular weakness of his that Sam would no doubt notice - "Mmf." He groaned out delightedly, his own cock throbbing underneath the fabric of his briefs. Moving to sit on the couch next  to the Dominant he stretched out so that he was on his knees, propping his still-clothed booty in the air well within reach while his arms were brace on either side of Sam's lap, his head hovering just above the other blonde's cock that was still getting expertly worked over by Blaine. "Well - this def isn't about my needs, sir. Birthday or not - your pleasure comes first, remember." He said, his smile present enough to be heard through his playful tone. "But...if you wanted something to play with while Blaine's down here taking care of your cock so well, you can totally have at it. " Punctuated his offer with a little shake of his butt, a giggle escaping through his lips as he did so.(edited)

Sam grinned to himself, as he watched both boys. It wasn't hard at all to see the differences between them, but that just made it all the better. He smiled at Owen, his hand reaching down to grip at the waistband of Owen's briefs. "Oh, this is all for me? It's not something you're really eager for?" Sam smirked as Owen giggled, giving Owen's ass a little playful slap. "Aren't you so considerate?" he teased, before tugging hard and snapping the waistband and pulled the briefs away, letting them drop to the floor. "Cuddle up against me properly, with your head on my stomach so you're close to my cock. That way I can get to your ass, too," Sam grinned. "Blaine, give Owen a kiss. Let him taste your mouth right now."

Blaine looked up when he heard his name, he'd been really in the zone and honestly, had missed most of their conversation. But it wasn't hard to figure out what it was, based on what was happening in front of him. "Yes, Master." He replied automatically to the order, and when Owen was into position he pressed his lips against the other sub's. He liked kissing Owen, he decided.

Owen was thoroughly enjoying the dynamic he had going with Sam - it was easy to be playful with him. As hot as 'serious, strict' Dom attitudes could be, it was nice to be playing with one that seemed to have struck a good balance between having a good time and still maintaining control over the scenario. Humming happily at the slap to his ass, Owen arched his back, wordlessly pleading for more. "I aim to please, sir." He stated cheekily, biting down on his lip through a delighted moan when the waistband of his tight little briefs came smacking back against his taut skin. At Sam's direction, he kicked his briefs off and readjusted himself, leaning his cheek against the Dominants chiseled abdomen as he took in the sight of Blaine sucking Sam off from his new vantage point. When Sam addressed Blaine the blonde submissive found himself curious. Blaine was so focused - so intent sucking Sam off that he hadn't said a word; granted, talking with a mouth full of cock was no easy feat, nor was it suggested - but in Owen's experience, sex tended to be more playful and fun. From his perspective Blaine was really putting the 'job' in blowjob. When Blaine ceased sucking Sam's cock at his orders, Owen leaned in and pressed his lips to Blaine's parting his lips and slipping in a little tongue in an effort to elicit some playfulness from the other submissive as well.

Sam smiled at Owen's cheeky response, and watched as Blaine pulled away from his cock, so he and Owen could kiss. As their lips met, Sam reached down and ran a finger between Owen's cheeks, until he found Owen's hole. He teased his finger over it, intent on watching Owen's reaction. He gripped his own dick, and playfully rested it against Blaine's face, as the submissives kissed. "I could definitely jerk off to you guys just kissing, not gonna lie. I'm easy like that," Sam teased playfully.

Blaine's eyes looked up to meet Sam's when he spoke, and blushed at the comment. He was glad Sam was enjoying this so much. Blaine was too, but it was Sam's birthday after all, and that's why he was trying hard not to be jealous that Owen was getting played with when he was achingly hard in his underwear and a certain Iron Man plug was making its presence known once again. He hummed and kissed Owen again, this time making sure to catch Sam's cock in the middle.

Gasping out an elated sigh in reaction to Sam's finger toying teasingly at his tight, puckered hole - Owen put everything he had into kissing Blaine, flicking his tongue against the other's, even reaching out, entangling his fingers at the back of Blaine's head and pulling him desperately into the kiss as he pressed for more intensity. He pulled away only slightly to allow enough room for Sam's member to slip between their lips as the kissed around the head, their tongues touching lapping against each other as they greedily lavished the dominant's cock. Relishing the telling taste of pre-cum on his tongue, Owen dropped his hand from the base of Blaine's neck and repositioned it firmly around Sam's cock, pumping it expertly as they continued to kiss.

Sam wasn't sure how he'd gone so long without experiencing something like this already. Having two boys blowing him, kissing around his cock, was one of the hottest things ever, and Sam knew it was something he definitely wanted to make happen again. Grinning he reached forward with his foot, pressing gently against Blaine's erection. "Want to show us how hard you are, sweetheart?" Sam smiled, as he eased the tip of his finger into Owen. "You're both really familiar with how really hard I am," he grinned. His jokes always got a little more silly when he was horny.

Blaine moaned into Owen's mouth as Sam's foot made contact with his cock. He nodded in response to the question, sitting up a little so he could use one of his hands to pull his underwear down a bit. His cock sprung free, clearly quite desperate for attention.

Furrowing his brows as he focused on relaxing his muscles to allow Sam's finger proper entrance into his hole before he tightened around the calloused digit, Owen gritted his teeth and happily let out a sigh, pressing his ass eagerly higher into the air in a wordless plea for the Dominant to enter him further. At Sam's direction Owen trained his eyes on Blaine's newly freed cock and reached out without hesitation to start stroking it. While doing so, he returned to his previous station - making out heatedly with Blaine as he stroked both cocks and propped his ass out for Sam to play with. If nothing else, Owen was certainly proficient at multi-tasking, that was for sure.

Sam gave Owen's ass a little more attention, as he began to move his finger deeper into the submissive before beginning to fuck with him it. He grinned as he realised Blaine's cock had come free from his underwear, and then patted the sofa on his other side. "Come sit here, just like Owen is. I want access to both your asses, while you both do this," Sam smirked, punctuating his last word by pushing his finger deep into Owen. "Once I'm fingering both of you, I want you both working to make me cum, boys. No more teasing," he chuckled.

Blaine moved up onto the couch, copying Owen's position. The plug peeked out from between his buttcheeks as he settled into position. He looked over at Owen, flashing him a smile. Making Sam cum was something Blaine was very good at, and he knew it. But he was curious to see what Owen would bring to the table. He started by kissing Owen first, and then moving down to bring Sam's cock between their mouths.

Owen let out a little yelp that receded into an elongated moan when Sam pushed his finger into his ass even further. There was nothing he wouldn't give to have something else filling him up right now; but he knew well enough not to push his luck. It was incredible that he was even getting what he was getting. Asking for more could be saved for another time. Smiling at Blaine when the other submissive assumed the requested position, Owen happily kissed him again before he ducked down to take Sam's cock into his mouth, wetting the head expertly before he began to bob up and down, a crude slurping sound echoing off the walls as he breathed through his nose and worked happily to bring Sam closer to cumming.

Sam didn't hesitate for a moment to ease the Iron Man plug out of Blaine gently. He plugged Blaine most days, and most of their toys were Marvel themed, of course. Once he reached out to put the toy down on the sidetable, he replaced the plug with his finger, easing one into Blaine's ready hole at the same time that he pushed two fingers into Owen, halfway. "Fuck, I can't get enough of you boys kissing," Sam grinned, as he sat back and fingered the submissives.

Blaine let out a soft moan as the plug was removed and replaced by his Dominant's finger. "Mmf, Master..." He breathed, and after letting Owen have his fun for a moment Blaine dove right back in to make sure he got a chance at working Sam's cock to orgasm also. He wasn't about to let Owen take all the credit.

Releasing Sam's cock with a resounding 'pop' Owen pulled back and gave Blaine space to reclaim his position, feeling confident with the work he contributed. He glanced up at Sam with a confident smirk and gave his booty a playful little bounce against Sam's intruding fingers, groaning out happily as he did so. "Oof, fucking make that hole yours, sir..." Owen begged, pushing himself up on his arms so that he could plant a kiss on Sam's cheek, pulling back slightly to lock eyes with the Dominant. His gaze darted down momentarily to Sam's ridiculously kissable lips. His own set quirked upwards into a small smile before he leaned in and sealed the distance between them, moaning into the kiss with abandon.

Sam didn't hesitate to finger both boys hard and fast, wanting them both to feel just a little of the pleasure they were working hard to give him. Owen's begging turned him on even more, and as Blaine moved back to his cock, Sam knew his orgasm wasn't going to be far off now. "Fuck, you boys," Sam grunted, both Owen kissed him. It took him by surprise for a moment, but just for a moment, as Sam was kissing him back urgently. He let the kiss for a few seconds, before pulling back. "I want you both down at my cock," he ordered, grinning as he spoke. "Whoever gets my load, you're going to be a good boy and share it."

Blaine moaned around Sam's cock as the Dom's fingers worked at his hole. He looked up just in time to see Owen kissing Sam, and while the sight might have made him super jealous at one point in his life, right now it just really turned him on even more than he already was. And then Sam sent Owen back down, and Blaine graciously made room so that they could both work at the Dom's cock.

Letting out a harsh moan against Sam's lips as the dominant began to pummel his hole with his fingers, he reached up and braced himself on his shoulder to keep from falling over at the added stimulation. Making sure to nip at Sam's bottom lip as he pulled away, grinning back at Sam and doing as he was told immediately. The blonde ducked down, kissed Blaine first before taking it upon himself to lap desperately along the shaft of Sam's throbbing cock. "I want your cum so badly, sir..." Owen whispered against his member, surely adding a heated, vibrating sensation against his cock on top of all the other sensations he was surely coping with already.

Sam grinned as he watched Owen kiss Blaine, before watching both boys worship his cock. "God," he hissed out as he felt the extra sensations against his cock from Owen whispering against it, and knew he was done for now. "Fuck," he moaned, as he forced his fingers deep into both boys quickly one last time, before he shot his load into Blaine's mouth, pulse after pulse shooting up his shaft. "Oh, god, god, fuck," he babbled, as his balls emptied themselves.

Blaine knew all the signs of his Master on the brink, and made sure he was in position to catch his load. He had to fight every instinct he had to swallow it all, like he normally would have, but Sam had said to share. So with Sam's cum dribbling down his chin he pulled Owen in for a kiss, the taste of Sam heavy in their mouths.

Owen was a show-stealer, for sure - but he knew his place at least well enough. Blaine was Sam's submissive. At the moment, he was just the guest star. So, feeling Sam's abs clench against the side of his face as the dominant's climax grew nearer, Owen politely withdrew and gave Blaine the rightful opportunity to take Sam's load - and he did it with only the slightest twinge of jealousy. That twinge was practically eradicated completely though when Blaine almost instantly crashed his lips against his own. Moaning into the kiss, Owen's tongue swiped through their parted lips and greedily took what he could of Sam's load; tasting what he and Blaine had both worked for. Pulling away after a moment, Owen worried his swollen lips together - a dopey grin pulling at the corners of his lips. "Well. That was...like...awesome." He said breathlessly, glancing from Sam to Blaine and then back to Sam.

Sam panted as he watched the subs kiss and share his cum, and if it had been physically possible, he would've cum again just from the sight of it. He smiled at Owen, as he gently pulled his fingers from both boys, and chuckled at Owen's breathless words. "I'm the one who got to cum, I'm pretty sure that's my line," he teased. He gave Owen's ass a slap, and rubbed Blaine's ass with his other hand. "That might've been my favourite present, boys. You both did amazing." Blaine blinked as Owen pulled away, and after a moment he moved to snuggle up against Sam's chest. He was normally extremely cuddly after anything sexy. "Happy birthday, Master." He said softly, even though Sam's actual birthday had been days before. He smiled over at Owen and reached out to take the other sub's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Owen followed suit without hesitation and cuddled into Sam on his other side. The three of them must made a pretty picture situated the way they were. Owen let out a yawn. It was typical for him to get drowzy after things like this. Just as his eyes were fluttering to a close, he took note of the time on a clock in the corner of the living room. "Crap." He said exasperatedly. "I can't stay too much longer. Prom starts in a few hours and I've gotta head to Alexis' to get ready for the dance." He sighed and nuzzled sweetly against Sam, squeezing Blaine's hand right back as he did so. "A few more minutes couldn't hurt, though..."

Sam smiled down at Blaine, and leaned down to kiss his boy's cheek. "Thank you, sweetheart," he murmured back. He grinned as he heard Owen yawn, and sat back a little. "Isn't it supposed to be me that's yawning?" he teased. He shrugged his shoulders, though he was smiling as Owen nuzzled against him and squeezed Blaine's hand. "A few minutes is good," he nodded, as he held both boys against him.

[welllpthisishappening]

So I think that I sent you a babbling, semi-incoherent ask a couple of weeks ago that tumblr may have eaten. It was (sort of) a prompt about CS, snark and banter, and Santa!Con. But then I started to think - did you already write that fic? Did it sound to me like something right up your alley because you'd done it? If so, forgive me for not remembering! Also, I'm looking everywhere for a fic of yours I know I read about CS and a proposal attempt at Rockefeller Center, but I can't find it. Halp!!

Oh nooooo I never got that!! Well, this must be remedied at once, don’t you think? So, first off, I did write about a proposal at Rockefeller Center last year. It’s Heart to Heart and Hand in Hand and is basically my thoughts about public proposals and people taking pictures of a moment that isn’t theirs. As far as Santa Con goes, he’s some slightly proposal-type words with an incredibly drunk Killian Jones and vaguely stunned Emma Swan. 

“Is everything spinning?”

Emma chuckles, wrapping her fingers around Killian’s arm in a rather pitiful attempt to keep him balanced. He’s sitting down. That does not appear to be making much of a difference.

“Your hat is going to fall off if you can’t sit up straight,” she says, and he makes a noise she’s never heard before. But, to be fair, she’s never actually seen him this drunk before and that includes David’s last birthday when the Knicks lost their first-round playoff series and the whole night ended with several oversized vessels for alcohol and the promise that it’s really a matter of dignity, Swan when it came to finishing every single drop.

“Sod the hat,” Killian grumbles. He slumps forward, the top flipping over, which only ends with the little pom pom thing bumping against his nose and Emma really has had far too much alcohol to deal with any of this.

She’s still not entirely sure why they agreed to this – but Ruby can be incredibly persuasive, demanding, when she wants to and Mary Margaret had done that doe-eyed thing and even Elsa said it sounded like fun. That had only gotten David to make some kind of noise of victory and Emma had sighed dramatically no less than half a dozen times before Killian agreed he’d wear a hat if they’d all shut up about it.

And so the Santa Con plan was born.

Ruby bought them matching hats.

“That’s a very old fashioned sounding sentence you know,” Emma points out, Killian making some kind of noise that she hopes is an agreement.

“I’m an old fashioned kind of gentleman.”

The laugh that bubbles out of her is decidedly alcohol-fueled and a little more like a giggle than Emma really wants, but the whole thing is also pretty goddamn endearing and those cookie shots at the last bar had been especially potent.

The room is definitely spinning.

There are so many people dressed like Santa Claus.

“Yeah, that’s definitely true,” Emma mumbles. It’s much harder than it probably should be to pull her arm up, resting her palm on the side of Killian’s cheek. He leans into it, eyes fluttering shut in a way that makes it almost too obvious how long his lashes are.

Emma bites her lip.

“But that’s a good thing,” she adds. His lips quirk up.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. How many cookie shots did you have?”

“Way too many,” Killian admits, eyes still closed. He moves his head slightly, a low groan in the back of his throat when the room very likely starts spinning again, but Emma forgets to be worried about that as soon as his lips brush over the back of her wrist. “I really like you, you know.”

She blinks. And waits for the rest of that sentence. It never comes.

And it’s not really surprising. She’s somewhere in the realm of one-hundred percent positive he likes her. Loves her, in fact. A lot. Like. Well, a lot. More than she thought possible and Emma hopes her heart can handle the rather sudden wave of alcohol-based emotions its being force to contend with.

It’s not surprising. 

It’s normal and she’s not used to it, probably won’t ever be used to it, because it still makes it feel as if she’s glowing from the inside out when he says things like that, but it’s also kind of par for the course or tradition or something. Or, at least getting there.

She hopes so.

She’s been kind of thinking about it.

And Ruby claimed that Santa Con could count as some kind of quasi bachelorette party for both her and Belle. That made Emma’s heart thud too.

“Good to know,” Emma says, hating how breathless her voice has turned.

“I’m serious.”

“Oh, I know you are.”

Killian opens his eyes, far too blue to be anything except distracting even with all the alcohol metaphors. He kisses her skin again, nipping softly until Emma makes a noise that’s closer to a yelp than she’d like. It makes him smile. “Just,” he continues, and it’s almost impressive how he manages to elongate four letters into what sounds like several thousand, “God, you’re so pretty.”

Emma has no idea what noise she makes. It’s not a laugh. Or a scoff. It’s not even disbelief. It might actually be joy.

Her heart feels like it’s expanding.

“What?”

Killian nods earnestly, and Emma hopes this isn’t actually a dream. That’d be kind of disappointing. “That was the first thing I noticed, you know.”

“That I was pretty?”

“It’s not that super—superfi—“

“Superficial?”

“That,” he mutters, humming softly when Emma’s fingers move into his hair. The hat is a lost cause. She’s fairly sure someone has already stepped on it. And Mary Margaret may be singing carols on the other side of the bar. “Smart.”

“Smart and pretty, huh? God, I sound unstoppable.”

“Stopped me. Right in my tracks.”

Emma’s smile threatens to strain the muscles in her face. “That so?”

“Yuh huh. Belle said she wanted me to meet her girlfriend’s friend and you were there and your hair.”

“My hair?”

“It’s so…yellow.”

“Seriously how many cookie shots did you have?”

Killian scowls, a twist of lips that probably shouldn’t be attractive. Emma’s breath catches when he wraps his fingers around her wrist. “That’snotimportant,” he mumbles. They should probably find a seat with a back. This stool suddenly seems incredibly dangerous.

He shifts again, letting go of her arm and that’s only slightly disappointing. That, of course, is until his fingers card through the ends of Emma’s hair, letting the strands fall across his palm and over her shoulder and she’s not entirely sure what to do with the look on his face.

Like he’s a little stunned to still see her there.

“I like you so much,” he says again, half to himself. Emma’s heart does not care.

“So you’ve mentioned.”

“I want you to know.”

“Babe, trust me, I know,” Emma promises, ducking into his slightly blurry eye line. He smirks – or at least tries, one side of his mouth tugging up and free hand falling to her hip with an almost audible thump. “I really like you too. Maybe we should get you some water. And some food. Something greasy.”

“You want onion rings.”

“This is not about what I want.”

“Do you mean that?” Killian asks. Emma narrows her eyes.

“Mean what?”

“The—liking, I—“ He takes a deep breath, a hint of nerves that do not make sense with the man at all and Emma’s heart thuds for a totally different reason. Mary Margaret is definitely still singing.

“Were you doubting that? Because we could definitely make out some if you want, although we may get arrested for public indecency.”

He laughs, short and quick and still a hint nervous. Emma only just realizes she’s never actually moved her hand – her arm is starting to ache from holding it up for so long, but Killian definitely leans into the touch again and she really likes being able too feel him smile.

What a weirdo. It’s probably the alcohol.

It’s not.

“No,” Killian whispers. “But I want—“

“What?”

“Everything.”

Emma is very impressed her knees don’t give out. They wobble slightly. “I don’t—“

“It’s got to be perfect,” he says, barely giving her a chance to finish her half-finished thought. “That’s what you deserve and what we should—better than Mary Margaret and David. Way better than Ruby and Belle.”

Emma shakes her head slowly, trying to push past the admittedly rather large amount she’s had to drink to figure out what the hell he’s talking about. Her right knee gives out when she realizes.

“Oh my God,” she breathes, and Killian’s gaze gets hazier. He hooks his foot around her leg. That doesn’t make standing any easier.

“Perfect,” he repeats. “I’ve got—it’s going to be perfect.”

“What?”

“There’ll be kissing. We won’t be wearing Santa hats. Probably.”

“Probably?”

He hums, another far too serious nod and maybe the problem isn’t her heart at all. It might be her lungs. They appear to be shrinking. “Definitely,” Killian amends. “I want to do it at home.”

“We have one of those.”

She says it like it’s not the single most important sentence in the world, but Killian can’t seem to stop nodding and the footsteps coming towards them sound impossibly loud. “Yeah,” he mutters. “Together. Then we can make out.”

“Is that the goal?”

“With no clothes.”

“I think that may qualify as more than making out, babe,” Emma says, a forced lightness to her voice.

“Just the ring.”

She’s going to die. Right there – surrounded by several thousand drunk Santas and her equally drunk friends and her whole body shakes when David claps her on the shoulder.

“Hey,” David says brightly, Mary Margaret tucked against his side. They’re both still wearing their hats. Emma’s might be somewhere on Ninth Avenue. “You guys want to get some food?”

Emma doesn’t answer. She may nod. It feels like she nods, but she’s also trying to fight off death, so…

Killian, for his part, doesn’t appear to realize what he’s said or done, just tugs Emma closer to him and lets his lips drag across the side of her jaw and, really, dying in a Midtown bar a few weeks before Christmas would be so goddamn disappointing.

It would definitely make her a meme.

“You ok, Em?” Mary Margaret asks. Emma hopes she nods again. “Fries? Mozzarella sticks?”

“Onion rings,” Killian answers.

“Ah, good call. Where’s your hat?”

“Don’t know.”

He kisses behind Emma’s ear before Mary Margaret can say anything else.

And, honestly, if asked Emma would say she doesn’t consider the potential for a proposal the rest of the night. She’s far too busy telling Ruby the hats don’t matter and eating what must be some kind of record for onion ring consumption and navigating Midtown is a challenge she almost fails completely.

They opt not to take the Subway – far too many bridge and tunnelers in Port Authority – meandering up Tenth Ave instead on the assumption that it will be easier to hail a cab. It’s not. They’re too clearly drunk. And dressed like Santa.

“This is Santa prejudice,” Emma mumbles, nearly twenty blocks away from the last bar and Killian makes the world’s most ridiculous noise against the back of her neck.

“We’re not that far.”

“From home?” He makes the noise again. “You want to walk home?”

“I know you don’t want to pay for a cab anymore.”

That’s true. Emma doesn’t say that. She doesn’t have to – particularly when he tilts her head up to kiss her scrunched nose, fingers lacing through hers as they trek further uptown. Slowly, but surely.

It takes her several tries to open the door and a few more tries to get out of her boots and she’s not exactly expecting anything, but she kind of thought about the potential for a proposal and lying to herself is not an attractive quality. They don’t make out. They barely even make it to the bed, falling onto the mattress without moving the blankets or the pillows and Killian doesn’t take his belt off before he tugs Emma against his chest and they fall asleep with the lights on.

She may still be drunk when she wakes up the next morning – bits of sunlight poking through the curtains and a distinct lack of perspective fiancé next to her. Emma groans when she sits up, running a hand across her face. There’s noise coming from the kitchen.

She definitely uses the wall as support when she walks.

And Killian smiles when he turns towards her. He took his belt off at some point.

“How you feeling?”

Emma shrugs. “You were way more drunk than me. You take anything?”

“Probably more Ibuprofen than I’m supposed to, honestly.”

She laughs softly, leaning back against the counter and ignoring everything that appears to be fluttering in the pit of her stomach. “That help at all?”

“A little,” Killian says, handing her glass of water and several large pills. “Something about modern medicine, love.”

“You’re not a doctor.”

“But I was way more drunk than you and still alive, so—“

“—Well, who am I to argue with that?”

“Exactly.”

He doesn’t stop looking at her while she downs the pills, which is only a little unnerving, but that may be the fluttering and—“How much do you remember from yesterday?” Killian asks, the same hint of nerves in every single letter.

Emma nearly chokes on tap water.

Killian winces. “Was that all real, then? Not a dream?”

“Depends on what kind of dreams you’re having, I guess.”

“Ones that include all of that going much better than they actually did.”

He hisses in a breath of air, only to huff it out just as quickly, the tips of his ears going red when he takes a step back. And Emma doesn’t really think before she follows him, just moves into his space and rests her hand on his cheek again and—“I was so jealous of Ruby and Belle claiming Santa Con as some kind of bachelorette party, I could hardly see straight.”

Killian’s eyes widen.

“I really like you too,” Emma adds. “Like. An absurd amount, honestly. And, I um—“ She takes a deep breath. Her body doesn’t entirely appreciate it. “It’s always going to be you and I, well, it’d be yes. No matter when it happens.”

She barely gets the words out before he’s kissing her. It’s nice. It’s a hell of a lot better than nice, but they’re both very clearly hungover and Emma is still holding water and none of this went according to the very real plan Killian had.

He had a plan.

With her.

Emma can feel his smile against her mouth.

“I love you so much,” he whispers.

“I think that’s kind of a prerequisite of this, honestly.”

“Emma.”

“I love you too,” she says, and it feels like a guarantee and a promise and they barely get off the couch all day.

And he does, eventually, ask – telling Ruby we’re not going out on New Year’s, tugging a box out of his pocket at 9:47 p.m. because that’s the same time Emma showed up at the bar that very first time and it makes her heart thud and expand and a slew of other verbs it probably shouldn’t, but she kisses him before she answers.

“Swan,” Killian mutters, already doing his best to get her shirt off. The ring looks particularly good on her left hand.

“Yes.”