#like damn that is so beautiful ..... gay healing always hits so good

[snowshinobi]

💖❤️✨🔪🫀🌲🔥

@snowshinobi Hiiiii :3 I'm responding to your tags on a new post and not the original since the original was already somewhat lengthy, and I plan on being LONG and RAMBLY, but I have sooo many thoughts on what you said and I'm going to say them. Also my browser crashed TWICE (TWO TIMES. 2) when trying to write this post so I'm really fighting for my life out here to get my silly little OC posts done. Also it's under the cut because it's looooong as hell LMAO

Firstly, you're so nice to me forever <3 Secondly, I think you've basically hit the nail on the head. The majority of the issues Maggie has coming back from death and her 9 years gone are really tied almost exclusively to her close family, because she... never really had anyone else. While in-universe it's only 9 years, realistically the jump in technology and culture is around ~20-30 years (Maggie died in the 90s/early 2000s essentially, and wakes up in a just barely futuristic city), but... the most jarring thing to her in terms of what she missed out on is just. Flipphones are no longer popular. Other than her family, she's only close with one other person... who just so happens to be a ghost, and therefore both 1. Wouldn't change much over the timespan due to how long she's been a ghost and 2. Unlike her family, was aware that something happened, since she could see the ghost-of-a-ghost Maggie left behind (The ghosts name is Opal, she positions herself as a sort of "guardian angel" figure, though she's not actually, and serves as just another parental figure for Maggie while also getting after the ghosts that constantly harass her to pass on messages to the living). Maggie has no real relationships outside of her family, and while her relationships with her family are massively impacted by her unknowing death, other than that... the timeskip itself doesn't weigh on her because she had no one regardless. Her struggle to adjust to everything thats happened would've happened regardless of the timeskip for her, because she was such an isolated shut-in that it's the same whether it happened the next day, or nearly a full decade later

So another very interesting thing is that you've actually completely seen where I was going with everything, in spite of everything I said being very surface level and not actually delving into the plot at all. I completely skimmed over Jenna (She's very important to the plot, but she's by in large a regular person as opposed to Maggie's... everything), but for some additional context, Jenna has a horrendously shitty homelife, so her moving in with Maggie is both a gradual process (It goes from spending time there, to spending nights, to eventually just never going back home and moving in fully), and also serves as an escape for her. Part of that is also, so vitally, the food aspect. For some additional additional context, souls essentially serve as a persons lifeforce, practically every bodily function is improved by a soul that's stronger, though the "strength" of a soul is essentially entirely random, and not dependent on the individuals actions of any kind. Maggie had a generally weird soul before (Seeing ghosts inherently means she has to have something going on with her soul), but when she wakes up after her death, her soul is now even weirder, and part of that is that it essentially lets her get away with bad habits she absolutely should be seeing more consequences for. She barely eats, and when she does, it's basically exclusively crackers and whatever other safe foods she has around the house, because actually making food is a level of care and effort she just... doesn't give to herself in the slightest. Part of Jenna staying with her is that Jenna, without really discussing it, entirely takes up the mantle of caretaker of the apartment, with the biggest task being food prep, Jenna sees Maggie's unwillingness to take care of herself and silently steps up and starts making her actual meals so she's eating properly.

The problem is is that this also kinda... just straight up sucks? Jenna doesn't think much of it, it's something that needed to be done so she's doing it, she wants Maggie to be well fed even if she won't do it herself, and she's already been responsible for making all of her own meals for years prior anyways, so it's just another thing she does. Except that's shitty! Maggie's seen firsthand how terrible her homelife is, and it really weighs on her how even in her escape from that, Jenna's still being put in a position where she feels like she must care for her or else she just won't eat properly. So food is such a massively important thing to both of them, it's this symbol of love for both of them, it's love on the part of Jenna, for stepping in and taking care of Maggie when she can't do it herself, and it's love on the part of Maggie, for realizing how her own bad habits impact the people she cares about and wanting to lift that weight by taking care of herself better. It's also very vital for Maggie because she just... doesn't... have hobbies. Learning how to cook becomes really her only hobby and she puts all of her love and care into it, because for the first time in a long while she's actually passionate about something! ...Unfortunately she also is very very bad at it. She's inventing new dishes like "Burnt Salad" and "Please Help I Fucked Up Kraft Mac N Cheese" and still having to have Jenna come in and help her. But it's the thought that counts, and it'll only be a matter of time before she can make something vaguely edible.

And finally, the stuff about names! I didn't post it here, but while idly talking about her in a Discord server I'm in, I definitely think that had I made Maggie like even a few months later than I would've done she would've been nonbinary. As it stands right now though, I'm saying she's probably some form of genderweird but too busy trying not to die to think about it <3 Growing up knowing that ghosts are real and routinely being shut down by authority figures in her life about it has made her very aware of how bullshit a lot of things are and how the people who claim to be knowledgeable tend to not know what they're talking about (Beyond just the "people don't think ghosts are real", she's also got ghosts willing to tell her when people are lying because they've got nothing better to do than just gossip) , so if she spent even just a moment thinking about gender as a social construct she'd instantly recognize that and probably take up some form of genderweird label, but as it stands she's just too stressed with Being The Protagonist to think about that

Now, the thing with Margaret. I'm not even going to lie to you, I think you made a better connection to how a name connects with community in terms of the narrative themes than I did. The thing with Margaret denying the name "Maggie" existed for two reasons, the in-universe explanation is that, with the little scrap of soul Margaret has leftover from Maggie, it's essentially working overtime just to keep her vitals working, it can't dedicate time and energy to making her an individual with preferences and a personality, so part of that is that she doesn't respond to "Maggie" because ultimately, that is not her name. Her name is Margaret and she's not going to respond to "Maggie" because "Maggie" isn't her name. Of course, out of universe the reasoning is that I wanted an easy way to distinguish between Maggie as she is the protagonist, and the version of her that lived in the years she was gone, so different names makes the most sense.

I think your connection to how name relates to community genuinely works on a level I hadn't fully pieced together myself yet and I really love that because I think that absolutely works with everything. One of the main conflicts of the plot is how Maggie is entirely disconnected from her family thanks to the years she was gone, with Margaret having no priorities beyond "survive", she basically never spoke with her parents or brother for years. While her family tried to reach out to her repeatedly (Especially given that, while they're unaware the truth of what happened the night Maggie was murdered, they do know something happened, and they believe that whatever it was severely traumatized her, and that's where the sudden and drastic shift in personality came from), there's a point where they just... gave up. She wasn't trying to talk with them or contact them in the slightest, so around a year or two after Margaret moved out, her parents gave up on her. Her brother would still be there a bit, but he also didn't really... try... anymore.

When Maggie wakes up, she tries to call her parents... and they don't pick up. They'd grown resentful over the years, and now that Maggie wants to talk to them, they don't forgive her for the years of not speaking to them, and aren't interested in whatever she has to say after nearly a decade of trying to reconnect with her and being met with nothing. It's her insistence that she wants to be called Maggie that actually gets her brother to realize she's telling the truth and that something happened. She shows up at his door, already something that Margaret wouldn't have done, and that combined with her being visibly upset when he calls her Margaret and tells him that's not her and that she's Maggie, it signals to him that whatever's going on is real (...though he would've figured this out eventually, given that she also literally 17 again and not in her mid-20s, and has a giant glowing stab wound in her chest). I think it works absolutely perfectly as being a symbol of community, her disconnect from her community is what led to her being called Margaret, and her desperation to be returned to that community is when she's Maggie again. So uh. Congrats on getting the themes of my OCs better than I did <3

And uhhhh closing thoughts! I honestly did still skim over the majority of the plot (Literally never even mentioned Eli or what's going on with her stab wound </3), but I think you reeeeally hit the nail on the head with everything I'm kinda getting at with these OCs, which is... frankly wild given how little main plot I actually got at. Basically everything I mentioned in my original post was the setup, not the main plot. But waaaaugh thank you for being so niceys to me and also giving me another excuse to ramble endlessly <3

[twiggyart6]

collecting short funny things to write under fanart of characters you really love

please feel free to add more thank you :3

(this is long as shit be prepared)

ough

looking at them

my friend :)

mwehehe

augh

I can't believe this

brain blasted

what a little freak

do you even care

be so fucking for real

your kidding

what a weirdo

a wonderous creature

consider this

from my personal collection

what the

I'm so normal

I'm not normal

why are they like that

evil swag

TEEHEE

I'm gonna frow up

yeah this is pretty cool

pretty fucked up dog

have you seen this?

my beautiful princess

I'm ill

oh good heavens!

my son. he has every disease

this shit aint nothin to me man

I laurve them

yoink

just a little bit. as a treat

tell them to stop

me when I GET you

MY GUY

the psychic worm (wohwohwohwohw)

good lord

cuteness aggression towards them

what the fuck ever

im feeling something

sigh

me when the

GRRAAAHH

im fucking serious

love it when they appear

its becoming unhealthy

go white boy go!

your never gonna believe this

worst guy ive ever seen

their just so ... drawable

sorry guys

i saw it in a dream

she is very gorgeous to me!

i see them when i close my eyes

my little scrungle

be so fucking for real

i can do whatever i want

bitch

yeah

my baby girl

my little kitty meow meow

they've done something to me

i gotta get outa here

yep

my favorite white man

dude!?

full of joy a whimsy

going cray cray!

well....

erm

heyy gurl wasup

she is beuty she is grace

aaaaanything could happen

just like me fr

its time

yahoo!

divine retribution

yay!!

so was foretold in the prophecy

their so ... woah

yessir

god. fucking. damn.

they understand me

you are not immune to propaganda

Explodes character with mind

Forgive me

I would tell them my most depraved thoughts

for the win!

my treasure my beloved

awesome

oh yeah woo yeah

thats it thats the post

this above all else

-INHALE-

had to get it out of my system

you absolute baby buffoon

but make it epic

dont question it

gay baby jail

mwah <3

i want to make them into bread

no guys you don't get it

i got nervous

every fuckin time man

[puts face in hands and groans loudly]

no way

DONT DO THIS TO MEEEEE

take a deep breath

stupid little bow wow

cringeposting once again

abandon society, embrace insanity

god has let me draw another day

had to do it

changed my brain chemistry

so the thing is-

im going to make you so girlfail

pathetic wet cat

guys.

their neat idk

or something like that

ATTENTION!!

i have the disease and its terminal

shrimply amazing!

hits you with the beam

smile :)

send help

oh hi didn't see you there

no i will not elaborate

the creature is demonic in nature

i think there's something wrong with them

i think there's something wrong with me

its fine

woah woah woah

do you even realize what you've done

very cool

do you see my vision

whatever the fuck this is called

the strugler

interesting..

oh i got you dont worry

nobody move

character on the brain always and forever

#1 hater

funny you should say that

nature is healing

imagine a guy. now imagine them again

ooo mama

get drawn idiot

get obsessed over idiot

if only they were real

post this character instantly

your honor i need them

ive got some notes

A juicy morsel

I want to push them down the stairs

They wouldn’t dare

(Eyes wide and mouth frothing) yeah!

my beautiful wife <3

[talea456]

Thoughts on healing from trauma: Why OFMD (among others*) are so f-king beautiful

Our Flag Means Death is fucking beautiful. It's just beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL. It's a gorgeous, queer romantic comedy with HUGE found family vibes. Like, you've got an hilarious comedy with neurodivergents of different flavors, a person with articulation differences (cleft palate/cleft lip), gay, queer, nonbinary, pan, etc... all without a single one of these things being used as the butt of any jokes. That's just fucking beautiful.

You see, at its core, Our Flag Means Death is a story about healing from trauma. It's about people from all kinds of different backgrounds with differently working brains and different ways of presenting in the world creating a safe space for themselves. Trauma is a physiological response to one or more unsafe situations, so safety is required to heal from trauma.

Without emotional and physical safety, a person can never recover from the physiological shift that put their body into a hyper-vigilant state (i.e., a state of always being on the look-out for the next unsafe thing to show up). And, often, people find these safe spaces through relationships and developing a safe community (i.e., the found family). That's how people begin to heal from past trauma and build resiliency against potential future traumas.

Look, existing in this world is traumatic for most people. Humans have a long, long history of being absolutely horrible to each other. And in the wake of the initial COVID-19 wave, we're all left with wondering how to heal from: 1) The global trauma we went through; 2) Our individual traumas that cropped up during/since; and 3) The traumas we never healed from before COVID hit. We're faced with an increased awareness of systemic and sociological traumas from systems and society built to only welcome the majority--the elite--while the rest of us flounder. Begging for scraps at the table while the rich get fatter, etc. COVID just shinned a big ole spotlight on these gapping holes in the system that minorities disappear into.

This world is fucking TRAUMATIC, guys. And those in minority groups have already been dealing with chronic trauma from the systemic oppression they face. So, ya know, COVID just added another scoop on top of an already pretty tall pile of traumatic shit.

So, yeah. We're tired of the "dark" and "edgy" shit. We're tired of the "bury your gays" tropes and the "magical [insert minority here]" tropes and the baiting. We're tired of seeing ourselves never win in stories because we're fucking tired of never winning in real life--of trying to move those system-induced mountains that threaten to bury us.

We're also tired of never seeing examples of what healing actually looks like. We never get to see the recovery process represented! We almost never see what an emotionally safe romantic relationship looks like or what it looks like to really be part of a found family that is truly safe and supportive. I mean, what does it look like to have people "talk it through as a crew" right? We want to see it! Give society a goddamn model so we, as we're fighting for inclusion and rights, can point to it and say, "THIS! This is what we're talking about! Wouldn't a world like this be fucking beautiful for everyone?? Isn't that worth fighting for? Isn't that worth the societal changes and growing pains??"

So, yeah. OFMD is fucking beautiful. Any model of what healing, safety, and inclusion looks like for outcasts of society is fucking beautiful. Because THAT is a story that most people are so damn thirsty for they'd walk over miles of hot coals and lava to get it.

(*honorable mentions under the cut)

Are there other fucking beautiful shows? Of fucking course! And guess what? These shows might not be your cup of tea or your definition of representation, but these are fucking beautiful

Good Omens is fucking beautiful. Two supernatural beings who fight against their respective sides for their (and humanity's) right to create their own community--to be safe together. Out in the open. Retribution? Eh. It might happen. But guess what? They'll face it together cause they're on their own side. Fucking beautiful.

The Untamed is fucking beautiful. Being maligned and vilified by society but having ONE person who loves you unconditionally and sees you for the caring, good-hearted person you are? And then having that person stand by your side and yell at the majority "YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT THEM!" and then getting a happy ending where you can heal and recover?? Fucking beautiful.

Heaven Official's Blessing is fucking beautiful. Coming out of centuries (!!) of trauma feeling utterly worthless and powerless only to find out ONE person has loved you throughout all of it--even at the very rockiest of bottoms--because they saw your desire for justice and equity among all people. They love and care for you because of your ability to love and care for all people. And then getting to retire and be free and loved and heal after all your tribulations?? Fucking beautiful.

Word of Honor is so, so fucking beautiful too. Two people who have committed heinous acts: One for the sake of survival and revenge and one out of a misguided belief in the people he was following. These two people know each other (evil acts and all), choose to love each other, build a home and family together, and get to see that, despite their past actions, they, too, are worthy of love and forgiveness. Fucking beautiful.

And I'm sure there are other fucking beautiful shows and movies out there that I haven't seen yet, but, yeah, seeing the process of healing from trauma played out onscreen?? FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.

[depressedhatakekakashi]

An au where Sakura is the one who gets the crush on Lee (not that lee rejects it like sakura did in canon- hes so flustered he doesnt know what to think at first everyone thinks hes a loser but not sakura omg) and its just kakashi and sakura day dreaming about their men taking turns making compliments but it applies to gai and lee so they both sigh dreamily afterwards and keep goinnd everyone around them just... you weirdos...

Sakura genuinely doesn’t know about Lee until he approaches Sasuke for a match before the chunin exams. She doesn’t think much about him at first honestly, neither good nor bad, but seeing him in action? How smoothly he moves in battle and how swiftly he’s able to take down both of her teammates as if it’s no problem? She’s damn impressed.

And then over the course of the chunin exams, she gets to know him. He helps her protect her team against attack, watches him in the battle against Gaara. It’s a lot to take in and before she knows it there’s this warm feeling in her chest whenever she thinks about Lee. 

after the chunin exams, while Lee is healing in the hospital, Sakura goes to visit him with flowers. She’s hoping to find him healing, but not at all surprised to find him outside trying to work out instead. Even with a broken leg and nurses telling him he likely won’t be a shinobi anymore, he refuses to give up. And honestly, she really likes that about him.

well the two of them are hanging out enjoying some conversation, Sakura can’t help but blurt out her feelings. Tell Lee that she really admires and likes him. Lee is flustered. he has never had someone say that they thought he was admirable and cute. That had had a crush on him. He does not know how to process.

Nothing comes out of it of course. There’s a month of training, and then all shit hits the fan and everything feels terrible.

Sakura still goes to train under Tsunade, but she also continues to train under Kakashi whenever he’s not on missions. One thing Kakashi does for her when he does have to go on missions though is asking Gai to help her with her taijutsu training.

This means a lot more time spent with Lee, and oh boy is that crush just getting worse. 

By the time Naruto gets back from his training, Sakura’s crush has just gotten worse. She loves spending time with lee. Training with him, getting coffee with him, just relaxing together. No matter what it is they’re doing she gets that same warm feeling in her chest.

For a while, she thinks it’s just her. That everyone else might think she has lost her mind and just needs to ‘find someone better. But then she goes to meet Lee for training one day and finds Kakashi-sensei sitting nearby watching Lee and Gai. Eyes glued on Gai.

Not wanting to interrupt the spar already going on, she decides to take a seat beside her sensei and watch as well.

And then it happens.

She’s watching Lee as he dodges under Gai’s kick and before she can stop herself she sighs that dreamy sigh and says “He’s so handsome”. As soon as she realizes what she said, she feels her heart stop. Kakashi-sensei is a tease. he’s never going to let her live this down. He’s going to make fun of her until the day she dies about this.

But instead of hearing a laugh, or a jab at her expense, Sakura instead watches as Kakashi-sensei sighs and says “He really is” before really tuning into what just happened and looking at Sakura.

Now, Sakura knows he’s not talking about Lee. that would be gross and she would punch her Sensei, plus he wasn’t looking at Lee when he said it. His eyes were squarely on Gai-Sensei.

and Oh boy is she loving this. Not only can her sensei NOT tease her about her crush, but she’s not alone. There’s someone else who suffers from the love of a bowl-cut powerhouse. 

The next hour is spent with the two of them just sitting there talking about all of the things they love about their bowl-cut sporting beauties. 

Sakura: He’s just so dedicated and strong. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone work as hard as him to become a shinobi.

Kakashi: And sweet. Gai’s such a sweetheart. Always looking out for me.

Sakura: And the smile

Kakashi: oh the smile. So bright and warm.

Needless to say, the two of them just end up sitting there the entire time complimenting their respective crushes. by the time Gai and Lee even realize they’re there they’ve made an entire list of all the things they adore about them.

The two of them also have enough blackmail on each other that they will be acting super sweet to the other person for years to come. There’s no way they want anyone else to know that conversation they had. It needs to stay between them.

But it does help Sakura gain the confidence to finally ask Lee out on a date. If her weirdo of a Sensei can get a boyfriend, surely she can too. Right?

[noa-nightingale]

Queer Watcher 2020

I am looking back on this weird, not-so-wonderful year - and on the ways @wearewatcher made my 2020 so much more wonderful. Originally, I wanted to list all the highlights I could think of, but one of the things I am most grateful for is Watcher’s inclusion and support of LGBTQ+ folks. I am just one queer person but I know there are many more in this fandom.

So, this ended up being a list of things I, as a queer person, appreciate and enjoy, and I am so so happy that I can write this. Buckle up, I have Things to say, and it is going to be emotional.

Ryan’s Pride shoes. I sometimes wonder how many sales Converse owes him. I love my own pair btw.

“Look, all I’m sayin’ is, y’know, hey, uh, love everybody.” - Shane Madej, Gangly Puppet Freak. A PSA from the Weird/Wonderful Shakespeare Theatre vid, regarding bisexuality - he is so awkward with it lmao. Whole video has really great vibes too.

Steve/Stephanos.

Various tweets, including wishing us a happy Non-Binary People’s Day and a happy Trans Awareness week.

Ryan and Shane including their pronouns in their twitter bio. (Little things like this don’t go unnoticed, and they are very appreciated.)

Gay Oars! Ugh, my heart. Their first appearance totally caught me off guard, and I haven’t recovered since. (I also causes me no small amount of joy that the most romantic and tragic song of all time is called “Gore on the Shore”.) I could yell about my love for these guys all day. It is a beautiful thing that these characters exist.

Gay Oars, again - I knew they would show up and I still was not prepared. The song made me cry. I haven’t recovered from that one either. I love the progression from the first, tragic song to the second, joyful and loving song. I have so many emotions about these oars, I probably could make an entire list just for them. (Little fun fact: Even though the song made me cry, my first reaction to that episode was to go on tumblr and yell about it excitedly. Like, I was emotional but in an enthusiastic kind of way. The more difficult emotions hit me about four days later, for some reason. And then I sat in my room and cried my eyes out. Like, as much as I like being queer, sometimes it is just damn hard and the pain seems too much and you have been hurt over and over and don’t know if you can ever recover from it. And it is just really good to know that someone cares about your wellbeing as a queer person. Even if you have never spoken to that someone and he does not even know of your existence. And to be honest, I don’t always know how to deal with that. The kindness? The genuine allyship? I have no idea how to handle that, and it simultaneously heals and breaks my heart.)

Every time the words “his boyfriend” were uttered; I am especially thinking of Are You Scared here.

All the fan art Watcher inspired and continues to encourage and to support. There are many great artists in the fandom! And Watcher’s content inspires me to draw and create more myself! How wonderful!

Toxic masculinity who? It is nowhere to be found.

This... special kind of gentle and kind weirdness? It honestly had such a positive impact on me and the way I interact with other people and let them interact with me.

All of the wonderful people Watcher brought in. I am sure they will work with more amazing folks and I am really looking forward to that. Personally, I am hoping to see Eugene Lee Yang at some point. (Would be really happy to see Thomas Sanders too.)

Here’s What You Do. Just the whole podcast. It was such a delight.

I was hesitant to include this because I believe many of us have negative memories attached to it, and it was not a fun time for anyone (including the lovely people at Watcher themselves). But, yes, I am mentioning it: That one HWYD episode and the follow-up. I can only speak for myself, but the follow-up has an incredibly special place in my heart. To me, it is one of the most important videos Watcher has created. I watched it several times, I journaled about it extensively and it made me a better ally. Hell, I even showed it to my mother and one of my siblings (like, the entire video). I know it was a difficult thing to talk about but at this point: A HUGE thank you to Steven, Ryan, Katie and Shane for handling this in an absolutely fantastic way. I feel welcome and seen and appreciated, and in the end all I want is this: For people to genuinely give a shit about me as a queer person.

On a more lighthearted note, I enjoy it way too much that Ryan is able to say “LGBTQ” without stumbling over the letters. It seems like such a tiny thing but it brings me an unholy amount of joy.

The Professor. I don’t want to call him LGBTQ+ because that has not been confirmed as canon but he IS comfortable wearing clothes that are typically seen as “women’s clothing”, and as a trans/non-binary person I am kind of obligated to mention it.

I think I had an out of body experience when Ryan said “Oh thank you baby” to Steven in Too Many Spirits. Then I had to pause the episode to finish laughing. And then they brought it back in the next episode. Bless them.

Every time they/them pronouns were said.

The entire Hatshepsut PH episode. What can I say, I like it when gender norms/expectations/roles are broken. And even if we can’t call Hatshepsut trans by today’s standards, declaring yourself another gender has such power.

Without giving too many details: I had my struggles and problems in the past with Christianity and ~certain~ Christian people, and it is really good (and I mean REALLY good) to see someone whose faith and integrity are so interwoven and who is inspired by his faith to do good things and to do right by people. I obviously only know the things about his belief that Steven decides to put on the internet but what I’ve seen is almost healing to me, in a way. I am very grateful and happy that he is willing to educate others and to keep working on himself. Warms my heart.

The certainty with which these beautiful people call themselves allies.

Just... the general kindness and compassion, and the willingness to listen and to grow. I promise you, we notice and we love you for it.

I could have expanded on all of these points but I tried to keep this short.

And look. I don’t want to put anyone on a pedestal; that would not be fair. I am just immensely grateful for kind people who genuinely care and who genuinely try to do right by others and to bring joy to others.

And I know we like to have fun here but Watcher’s content is just a lot more than entertaining, meme-able fun (although it is that too, of course).

I had a blast with it this year and I am very much looking forward to the next year. I feel like I can’t adequately put into words the myriad of little (and not so little) ways these people have made my life better this year. Thank you from the bottom of my aroace, non-binary heart.

[jemmahazelnut]

I'm not a God

Summary: Laxus isn’t satisfied with anything. He isn’t satisfied with his sex life with women, nor with Fairy Tail's wizards. He wants to change the guild, and he wants to become the Master. Fortunately, in all of this he has his loyal right-hand man beside him. (Set before the Battle of Fairy Tail). [Freed/Laxus]

Link: AO3

This story was born because I imagined what a relationship between Laxus and Freed would be like before the battle of Fairy Tail. When Laxus is still an asshole and Freed… well, let's face it, he's not much better. I warn you right away that it will not be a good relationship. The rating is explicit for a reason, this is NSFW.

Enjoy the reading.

WARNING: homophobic language.

I’m not a God

He felt the alcohol go down his throat as chaos reigned around him. The inn bartender continued to brew beer after beer, the waitresses passed the tables taking away the empty glasses and putting down the full ones, the men began to sing and talk in louder tones, and the women began to wink and pay less attention to their necklines. A typical night in an inn.

He glanced around the room and saw Evergreen still alert flirting with a dark-skinned, muscular man. The girl had a mischievous smile on her lips and she had lowered her neckline, revealing more of what she normally did. But Laxus already knew how it would turn out for the poor man: Evergreen would leave him with blue balls and she would like to know she still had sex appeal.

Looking ahead he saw that instead Bickslow was laughing as he walked up the stairs with two girls. One was clinging to his arm, her short skirt raised too high showed part of her ass and the gait was crooked. The other was making out with the boy, a bit clumsy since they were both walking.

The only one who wasn't enjoying himself was him. Well, and Freed. The boy had disappeared a few minutes ago. He always disappeared on those evenings, Laxus had no idea what he was doing. Maybe he was having fun with some women as well as Bickslow did. Or maybe he just didn't like parties. After all, he had never seen Freed get drunk, or flirt with anyone. It was very likely that he had walked away because he didn't like chaos.

Laxus took another sip of beer, trying to focus on the girl who was smiling at him from a nearby table. She was a beautiful girl, without a shadow of a doubt. Her long dark hair framed her face and her red lips were curled in a winking smile. The dress she wore showed practically everything. Her big breasts, her tight waist and when she got up Laxus could see her long legs walking elegantly around the bar.

Despite this, his gaze was drawn more towards the man who drank alone at the bar. For some reason, Laxus found himself staring hard at his exposed chest from his open shirt, his muscular arms flexing each time he threw a dart at the target, and his hard jaw covered with a light beard.

He felt a chair shift and Laxus immediately looked away, seeing that he was Freed. He had come back from wherever he had been up until now. Laxus hoped he hadn't seen whohe was looking at, and picked up the beer again, only to realize it was empty.

“I ordered you another one, it will arrive shortly,” Freed said. Laxus nodded, glancing at him and wondering if he had seen. He couldn't understand it, his gaze was always an impenetrable expression. Either way, he wasn't going to ask, and if Freed ignored it, so much the better. Also, Freed had promised to follow him everywhere years ago, so he needn't have worried. No matter what he found out about him, Freed would stay by his side.

He had to do it. He had promised it.

“I didn't expect to find you here again. You're usually in a room with a girl right at this time,” Freed said. Laxus knew this. Usually he found one, trying hard not to think about the man who had really caught his attention - usually a stranger particularly undressed with a clear attraction to men - and took her to bed. But he couldn't really find the satisfaction he was looking for, and he found himself incredibly envious of Bickslow.

The Seith wizard always managed to have fun, Laxus always saw him attract the attention of more women easily. It wasn't strange, Bickslow was definitely a handsome boy, and he was no doubt more flirtatious than him. Laxus tried to put that thought in the back of his mind. Bickslow was a man, he couldn't think of him as handsome. Just as he couldn't think the same of Freed. Still, those thoughts were hitting him more than they should have in the last few months.

“There aren't any interesting ones,” Laxus replied. It was true, no woman could get his attention. Even though he knew that they were objectively beautiful and that they would have sex with him, he couldn't find one that satisfied him.

The waitress at that moment placed two beers on their table and Laxus immediately took a long sip. He looked up and saw that Bickslow was still at the top of the stairs. He still hadn't been able to reach his room because the two girls had clung to him and made it difficult for him to walk. Laxus gritted his teeth, finding himself envious of Bickslow. Why couldn't he be like that too? Finding a woman and having fun without too many problems?

“Looks like Bickslow will have a good time tonight,” Freed commented as he drank from the mug. Laxus looked away from the Seith wizard.

“Aren't you having fun?” he asked.

“I've already done that,” Freed replied.

Laxus was silent for long seconds. Great, even Freed was having fun. He was the only jerk who couldn't do it.

He dived again on alcohol to have an excuse not to answer. He had never thought about Freed's sex life, he tried not to do it with his guildmates, even if more than a few times he had thought about both members of Raijinshuu. Never on Evergreen, although the girl was very attractive. He found himself nervous again.

“Sex is overrated,” he said dryly. Maybe he should have stopped drinking for that night. He felt Freed's eyes on him and Laxus thanked the fact that it was him and not Bickslow, who would laugh out loud and tell him that he was missing the best thing in life. “A waste of time and in most cases you find women so drunk they don't even know how to give you a blow job,” he growled.

Freed was silent, and Laxus saw for a moment the man at the counter stand up and throw another dart. Laxus's eyes flew to his back tight in a pair of leather pants that left little to his imagination. Because of his alcohol, his defenses were lowering, but he forced himself to return his gaze to the red-lipped girl. Before Freed saw, if he hadn't already. Laxus sincerely hoped not.

“Maybe you shouldn’t go with women,” Freed said. The phrase came very quietly from his mouth and Laxus whirled towards him.

“What?” he asked. Had Freed seen? Oh god, Freed had seen.

“Try sleeping with men. Maybe they satisfy you more,” the rune wizard said clearly. Laxus tensed his jaw and squeezed his fingers on the glass.

“I'm not a fag,” he growled. Freed looked at him. The look betrayed no emotion and Laxus didn't know what to think. If he was disgusted, skeptical or something else. Surely though, he didn't believe his words and that pissed Laxus off. “Do I look like one of them to you?”

“Why you shouldn't be,” Freed retorted, his tone harder than normal. Or maybe it was Laxus who was imagining him, honestly, he didn't care.

“Because I'm not one of those weak queers. I'm a man, damn it,” he snapped. Freed arched an eyebrow and was silent for a moment. Laxus heard the strong beating of his heart in his ears.

“Do you think I'm weak?” Freed asked. Laxus frowned in confusion, wondering what this had to do with what they were talking about. They were talking about something else, not Freed. “When I said I had fun, I forgot to tell you that I did it with a man”.

Laxus felt his mouth dry, and his eyes widen slightly. If it wasn't Freed but anyone else, he would’ve told him that he didn't want to know anything about a gay's sex life. But he was Freed, the wizard who had promised to be with him. He couldn't say anything and it was Freed who kept talking.

“I don't know what your beliefs about us are,” he began. “But I ask you, do you think this makes me weaker and less of a man?” he asked him. Laxus didn't answer, he squeezed his glass even tighter and stared into Freed's blue eyes, which were waiting for an answer. But the answer didn't come and Freed got up from the table. “If you don't think so, then you shouldn't worry about who really attracts you,” he said and then walked away, up the stairs and into his room.

Laxus didn't know what to think.

***

Laxus was angry. No, Laxus was furious. He could have triggered a storm at any moment as he walked into the room where Freed was resting. A single glance at the guildmate was enough to piss him off even more. He had bandages that covered his entire abdomen, his arm was full of wounds and it was a miracle that his limb was still attached to his shoulder.

Freed sat down on the mattress and gave him an indecipherable look.

“What the hell went through your head, huh?” Laxus bellowed.

“That attack would’ve hit you,” Freed said simply. That answer infuriated Laxus even more.

“I would’ve handled it!” he yelled. “What do you think, that I’m not strong enough to be able to fight someone alone?” he growled out of his mind. The sparks flew from his arms and made the room full of static energy, which made the hair on Freed's head stand on end.

“I'm part of your guardhouse,” Freed reminded him harshly. That pissed Laxus even more, because he knew Freed was right.

“Well, I don't need a fucking bodyguard!” he screamed. “Nor do I need your help. I fight my battles alone, don't you dare get in the way anymore,” he growled.

“We were all fighting together,” Freed said as he got out of bed. Laxus let his eyes wander around his body for a moment. Although thanks to the magical healing of Oshibana's healer his friend was now much better, the fact remained that Freed had hurt himself for him. It wasn't the first time this had happened, but this time Freed had long lost consciousness and Laxus had honestly felt scared. Especially after seeing the exaggerated amount of blood that had gushed out of his wounds.

“I was fighting their leader, you had to manage his underlings,” Laxus growled.

“You needed help,” Freed said, raising his voice.

“I don't need your fucking help, I'm the God of Thunder!” Laxus yelled and a bolt of lightning shot from his arm, hitting the room lamp and letting the room darken slightly. The few rays of the sun that were covered by clouds that day illuminated the bedroom very little.

Laxus felt more electricity pass through his arms but struggled to calm him down, even though he still felt pissed. He was concerned. But above all, pissed off. Because Freed didn't have to protect him, he didn't have to come between him and that shot. Because he was Laxus Dreyar, the Thunder God, he could fight alone.

Freed was silent for long seconds, scanning his face and then he opened his mouth to speak. His voice came out lower than normal, but still firm.

“Is that really what pisses you off?” he asked him and without waiting for an answer he continued. “You know how much I admire you and how much I believe in you, you know I think you’re the most powerful wizard I know,” Freed said. For some reason knowing that Freed thought those things about him made him proud. Perhaps because he was the first along with Evergreen and Bickslow to think so, and that he didn't give credit to his father or grandfather. And he knew that Freed really meant it. He knew that Freed really compared him to a God.

“Well, it seems you didn't think that today,” Laxus growled between his teeth.

“Even a God needs help”.

“Not me,” Laxus said quickly.

“Maybe,” Freed said. “But I chose to defend you at the cost of my life,” he added. That phrase for some reason didn’t please Laxus, who felt a strange discomfort in his stomach. He didn't want it. He didn't want Freed to put his life back for him.

“I don't need you,” he repeated, albeit less angry than before.

“What's the real reason you're pissed off?” Freed asked.

Laxus didn't answer, refusing to say it. Refusing to say he was worried, that he didn't want his friends to die for him. Friends? Since when did he have friends? He studied Freed's face, whose features had softened. It was an expression that Laxus saw a few times, and only when they were alone. Something that addressed only him. Something that somehow made him feel warm inside.

Perhaps that was why Laxus gave in. Or maybe it was the terror that still coursed through his body, due to the memory of Freed passing out during the battle. The fact is that Laxus pushed Freed against the wall, knocking his back against the hard concrete. Then he closed the distance between them and brought their lips together, in a hungry kiss that he had wanted to give him for too long. Precisely, from the night he discovered that Freed was like him.

The kiss terrified him instantly and at the same time turned him on. The most exciting thing was that Freed was reciprocating. Indeed, he was doing it.

He had placed his hands on his shoulders and was moving his lips over him, with such force that Laxus felt weak. Because Laxus wanted to stay between those lips forever. He hated feeling like this, but at the same time he didn't want to stop. Without even realizing it, he was clutching his hands on Freed's bare hips, bringing their bodies together and enjoying the closeness he had long desired.

He didn't know if it was because it was Freed, or if it was because he was the first man he was kissing, but Laxus found himself addicted. He wanted more. And he wanted it right away.

He opened the palm of his hand and ran it all over his torso, enjoying those muscles that so far he had only been able to admire from a distance. God, he wanted it. He wanted it so badly that he already felt hard in his pants. He wanted him so badly that he wanted to drag him to bed and bang him without thinking.

Indeed, he did. He grabbed Freed by the hips and pushed him towards the bed. The rune wizard surprisingly didn’t object, he folded his hands around Laxus's neck and intensified the kiss, making their tongues collide in an explosion of emotions. Laxus lowered his hand until he reached Freed's crotch. At that moment the boy beneath him parted from his lips panting.

“What do you want?” he asked.

“Isn't it obvious?” Laxus asked hoarsely.

“No,” Freed gasped as the blonde tugged at his erection.

“Sex,” Laxus replied. “Just sex,” he specified.

“You know I'm a man, right?” Freed asked and Laxus stiffened. They hadn't spoken since that time, but Freed apparently hadn't forgotten. Obviously.

“Shut up,” he growled.

“I just want to warn you, since last time you didn't seem willing to have sex with a fag,” Freed said a bit poisonous. It was amazing how hard his tone came out despite how much he was panting under his touches.

“I said shut up,” Laxus repeated. Freed didn't listen to him.

“Are you really capable of having sex with a man? Are you really ready to open your legs for me? “. Laxus tensed instantly, but he didn't take his hand out of Freed's crotch.

“What makes you think I'll be bottom?” he answered him in a roaring growl.

“What makes you believe that I will adapt to whatever you want,” was Freed's immediate response. Laxus didn’t answer and stopped the movement of his hand. He knew that as loyal as Freed was to him, he wasn't going to have sex with him just because Laxus wanted. And Laxus didn't want to force him. Besides, he didn't even know if Freed would be interested. True, he liked men, but he didn't necessarily like him. He fucking made a fool of himself and what was worse was that Freed was his friend. Or a person Laxus cared about to some extent anyway. He didn't want to force him. But he wanted him. So much.

Freed's expression softened as he had done just before, and the boy placed a hand on his cheek. A somewhat sweet gesture that calmed the heartbeat in Laxus's chest.

“What do you want, Laxus?” he asked again, in a sweet tone that clashed with the usual Freed he was used to. It clashed with the Captain of the Raijinshuu who took the situation in hand without scruples. Laxus swallowed and looked at him uncertainly, feeling obnoxiously weak again.

“I just want to have sex with a man,” he said in a hoarse voice. Freed nodded.

“Okay,” he said and Laxus almost didn't believe it. But he didn't have time to think about his answer as Freed's mouth was on him and his hands pulling up his shirt and down his pants.

He found himself naked before he could even realize it, with Freed equally naked under him. It was going all too fast, a moment before he was talking to Freed and now he found himself rubbing against him. Against his muscular body that he had secretly admired, against his cock that was already losing a few drops.

He was fucking horny.

And Freed was perfect. And too damn fast. His hands before were all over him and then they had taken lube from the nightstand next to the bed. His legs before were tangled in his, and then spread apart as he prepared himself beneath him.

And Laxus was going crazy at the sight. He couldn't believe it. He was about to have sex with a man. He was about to have sex with Freed. He couldn't get it that he felt Freed's hands on his cock, massaging and sliding a condom over it. Laxus couldn't hold back a groan.

“We can stop whenever you want,” Freed said out of breath, red cheeks and dilated pupils. Laxus paused for a moment to look at him. He honestly had never seen Freed in those states. He had never seen the stiff Captain of the Raijinshuu out of a firm expression. And now his face was open beneath him, clearly aroused, his hair untangled and untidy on the pillow. Laxus thought he’d never forget Freed's messy sight.

“I don't want to stop,” he retorted and positioned himself between his legs. He pushed into him and felt a warm sensation radiate from his groin all over his body. The heat rise to his skin. He hadn't moved and was already ready to come.

He filled Freed completely, and opened his eyes that he didn't realize he had closed. Freed had an ecstatic expression under him. An expression that Laxus didn’t want to forget. They breathed into each other's mouth for a few seconds, remaining still so that Freed got used to it.

Then Laxus began to move. He started off slowly, enjoying the expressions and moans that left Freed's lips. It was fucking gorgeous. As the speed increased, the excitement rose more and more and the noises they both made increased in volume, filling the room around them. He saw Freed grab his cock and start masturbating, and Laxus felt even hotter.

He didn’t want it to end, but he felt that his orgasm was rising. He tried to restrain himself and leaned over Freed, madly kissing his neck and snatching another moan from his mouth. Immediately afterwards he felt something wet on his stomach, and everything tighten around him.

Laxus could no longer restrain himself and came breathing and groaning into Freed's neck, continuing to push until he felt completely emptied. At that point he collapsed on top of the boy, without immediately detaching himself and inhaling the intense perfume of Freed.

Honestly, he couldn't feel better.

He stood there for long seconds before moving away from Freed and lying down beside him. For the first time he felt fully satisfied. He now understood what Bickslow meant when he said that sex was great. He remained silent, catching his breath, until Freed sat up in bed and glanced at him.

Painfully Laxus noticed that he had returned to his usual impassive expression. Freed picked up the clothes from the floor, put on boxers and pants and stood up.

“I hope you’re satisfied. See you tomorrow, the train is at eight,” he said and then walked out of the room, leaving Laxus alone.

He didn’t know why but he felt his heart tighten and a sudden desire to cry. It was not sadness, nor happiness. It was something he couldn't understand.

***

The lips slid down his neck and Laxus found himself holding back a groan without success. Freed's hands were resting on his chest. His thighs were wrapped around his hips. Freed's rhythmic movement sinking against his cock was sending Laxus out of control. The pleasure kept increasing, like the heaviness of their breaths, and the speed of Freed's thrusts.

“Shit” Freed escaped when he let Laxus' cock go all the way in. Laxus shivered. He loved hearing those sounds. He loved hearing that Freed was having fun too. He loved knowing that this wouldn't be the last night, but that there would be another one.

And then another.

And yet another.

The first time he didn’t know that it would become a habit, and now instead at the end of each mission they always met in a room of the inn. And Laxus was waiting for nothing but that. He turns off the light, turns off his mind and lets himself be overwhelmed by instinct.

It was all he wanted. Everything he needed.

Freed increased the thrusts, becoming more and more frantic and wild. Laxus wrapped Freed's cock in his fingers and started pumping. He didn't know why, but he wanted Freed to enjoy as much as he did. Maybe it was just a matter of pride, but he always wanted to make sure his friend went back to his bed next time.

And then Freed's moans. He loved hearing them, he loved hearing Freed swear. It didn't always happen. To tell the truth it happened a few times, and those times Laxus always felt overwhelmed by excitement. There was nothing better than Freed letting himself go to the wilder side of him, abandoning his cold expression and letting the most perverse noises come out of his lips.

“God,” Freed gasped on his face. The broken voice, his face showed an expression of pleasure. Then he came, slowing his thrusts and splashing on Laxus's hand.

“Fuck,” Laxus moaned looking at Freed in the faint light from the window. As usual, that was enough to send him over, and Laxus found himself cumming in the condom, grabbing Freed's hips and slamming him into him.

When he felt the orgasm end, Freed collapsed on top of him, sinking his face into his neck and taking deep breaths. That tickled Laxus's neck, but the boy refused to move, enjoying the contact between their naked bodies. He just wanted to prolong that feeling as much as possible. Feeling Freed's bare skin, his sweat and his lips.

But as usual Freed moved quickly from him, sat down on the mattress and as if nothing had happened began to dress. Laxus let him do it, still lying there with shortness of breath. After all, they were just having sex.

What did it matter if Freed cared about him on missions? What did it matter if Freed said he was willing to do anything for him? What did it matter if Laxus felt shudder every time he saw his guilmate in danger? What did it matter if every time Freed left his room, Laxus felt his heart skip?

It remained only sex.

And it was fine like that.

Laxus needed nothing more.

Every now and then he imagined what it would be like to sleep with Freed, what it would be like to wake up with Freed in his arms. He imagined the sweetest expression Freed had given him only a few times, but which Laxus still had imprinted on his mind. He imagined a sweet kiss, maybe a smile. Their hands touch. Their breaths mingle with the morning light, and not with that of the night lamp.

And every time Laxus hated himself. Why did he have to think about those things? They were futile, useless, pathetic things. He didn't need sweet gestures, he just needed to come. Using Freed's body only to enjoy. In those moments it didn't matter that Freed was his friend, that he was the captain of the Raijinshuu.

In those moments there were only two men fucking.

Freed was now fully dressed, grabbed his sword and neatly tied his hair. Laxus knew they would say goodbye longer this time. The Raijinshuu would undertake a mission that would keep them busy for many months. Laxus didn't know why, but for the first time he felt a little empty at the idea of them leaving. For the first time he felt like joining their mission. But he wouldn't do it. It was the Raijinshuu who followed him, not he who followed them.

“We leave in the morning, I think we should be back in three months,” Freed said with his usual expressionless tone.

“Ok,” Laxus nodded, showing no interest. He almost gave in, asking him to stay, but his words got caught in his throat and Freed walked out of the room, saying goodnight.

Laxus didn’t answer, and as had already happened when his guildmate left his room, he felt a desperate urge to cry. If until then he had managed to hold back that stupid instinct, at that moment it all seemed too much.

He just wanted to get under the covers and sob. Instead, he got up, got dressed, and walked out of the inn, looking for a dark guild to take out all his anger on.

***

“Do you believe? That rookie took an S-class mission. You should’ve seen the old man's face, and he dared to ask me to go get him,” Laxus said with an arrogant grin at the Lacrima in front of him.

It was Freed who had called him to brief him on their mission. After talking about what the Raijinshuu was doing, Laxus told how Natsu, the winged cat and a blonde whose name he couldn’t remember, had taken an S-class mission.

“And let's not forget about Mirajane. I almost hoped to see her demon, but that girl has now lost all her strength,” he said, resting his chin on his hand. Freed raised an eyebrow.

“Did he take an S-class mission? This is enough to expel him from the guild,” said the rune wizard, evidently not very interested in Natsu's fate. It was actually difficult even for Laxus to see him interested in anything outside of him and Raijinshuu. Maybe that's why he was the ideal person to have by his side.

“Yeah, but I bet the old man won't,” Laxus commented. “In any case I don't think it will be necessary, I doubt they’ll come back alive to Magnolia,” he said nonchalantly.

“Didn't the Master send anyone to take them back?” Freed asked.

“Yes, Gray. But I bet it won't do any good,” the Dragon Slayer replied. “So much the better. Three less useless people in Fairy Tail,” he commented harshly. Plus the cat. Freed didn't answer right away, and Laxus scanned his face, feeling a strange sensation in his stomach.

He wanted to talk to the wizard as much as possible. He didn't matter what, just hearing him was enough to make Laxus feel better. Maybe because he knew Freed would back him up. Or maybe because, even though Laxus hated to admit it, he missed him. Well, he missed having sex with him, it was normal. Laxus had needs, and Freed knew how to satisfy them.

This was all he missed about the boy.

“I was thinking of a new rule to introduce to Fairy Tail when you will be the Master,” Freed said. Laxus became curious, Freed always had intelligent ideas. Unlike those idiots who frequented the guild, Freed didn't speak out of turn. “Downgrading a wizard from S-class. Mirajane hasn't been fighting for years now, I don't understand why she should still be considered an S-class wizard, when she clearly can't take on missions of that level.”

Laxus smiled and found himself in agreement.

“Well, when I will be the Master, I will also introduce this rule. Also, I'll hunt the weaker wizards who only make us look bad,” he said. Freed nodded.

“I think it's a good idea. Fairy Tail under you will thrive, I'm sure,” he said. Laxus grinned, taking pride in that sentence. How much he wanted Freed to be there, how much he wanted to flap their lips together and undress him.

Unfortunately, however, he couldn’t do it, and unfortunately Freed greeted him, telling him that he had homework to do, but not to hesitate to call him if he had to talk to him. They said goodbye and then closed the communication.

Laxus looked at the empty Lacrima for a while. The grin that he had printed on his face vanished, leaving room only for a bitter expression. He really wanted Freed to be there.

***

Laxus was getting pissed off more and more. The more the weeks passed, the more he realized that someone had to put an end to that farce. Fairy Tail had decided to defend a stupid blonde from Phantom Lord, and those two bitches had even asked him for help. As if Laxus would deign to help them.

Maybe they still didn't understand how things worked. Everyone was gossiping about Fairy Tail, because of the wizards who were part of it. That blonde was no exception. She was a stellar spirit sorceress who was unable to fight and who walked around with Natsu and the blue cat. To be sure, Laxus hoped they’d lose and that Phantom Lord would be able to kidnap the little girl and take her out of the guild.

Although on the one hand, he hated to think that Fairy Tail would be defeated by another guild. He wasn’t surprised, however, by now the guild's strength had diminished over the years, due to his grandfather and his pathetic character.

Laxus had called Freed after arguing with Cana and Mirajane. Freed had agreed with Laxus, a sorceress who caused so much trouble in the guild was better to lose her than to find her, he had said. But then he had added that it would be better to help them, and that if they were closer the Raijinshuu would intervene. Not so much for the interest of the blonde, but to establish which was the strongest guild between Fairy Tail and Phantom Lord.

That revelation had pissed Laxus even more. He hated when Freed contradicted him. It happened a few times, but it was still irritating. Laxus had closed the communication almost immediately after, and had felt almost guilty for not having helped his guildmates. That hadn't changed his actions. By now he had told the two bitches that he wouldn't help them, and so he would.

Nonetheless, that episode ended well for Fairy Tail. Apparently, they had managed to win, despite the pathetic members who were part of it.

Too bad that a few weeks later the old man had decided to bring two members of Phantom Lord into Fairy Tail. Laxus was furious. Not only did the pathetic blonde remain in the guild despite all the damage she had caused, but now the two assholes who had caused trouble for Fairy Tail were entering as well.

Laxus now thought the old man had gone mad. Completely. It didn't fucking make sense, all that bullshit about forgiving people was getting over the top. He couldn't wait to beat the two assholes.

He couldn't wait for the Raijinshuu to return, so he’d finally turn the guild around and work out the plan. He needed Freed to do it. His mind and his runes, his power and maybe even his ass. Yes, a fuck would definitely have done him good at that point.

***

The Raijinshuu had finally returned from their mission. They had worked out the plan, and even though Freed had argued about a few things - like advising him to increase the training of the wizards before kicking them out of the guild - Laxus felt satisfied.

As he had thought, Freed would be very useful to him. He had explained to them which Jutsu Shiki would draw, forcing all guildmates to fight. He had shown them from the Magnolia map where he’d place them and Bickslow and Evergreen had been thrilled with the idea. Also, he’d set a lot of traps around the city, and make sure the Master couldn't leave the guild. Laxus was already enjoying it as he imagined the old man's face when they started the Battle of Fairy Tail.

He was going to be a lot of fun, and he already knew what it was going to change for the guild. First, he already knew which wizards to hunt. Although Freed had told him that training them could increase their skills, Laxus remained convinced of his idea. Mirajane couldn’t train, she no longer used any kind of offensive magic, Nab was completely useless, and Visitor made him nervous every time Laxus looked at him.

In addition, the two members of Phantom Lord would be kicked in the ass. At least, Freed agreed on that. Those two didn't deserve a second chance. Not after how they destroyed their building, and not after how they ruined Fairy Tail's reputation.

It was all already decided, all prepared. Laxus could already see himself sitting above everyone as a Master, bringing Fairy Tail to splendor. With Freed, Evergreen and Bickslow alongside.

Especially Freed.

Speaking of the wizard, he was happy that he was back too so he could finally have some fun. He felt a bit pathetic to admit to himself that he had missed Freed. Ultimately, however, a man had needs. It was normal for Freed's body to be missing.

“Come with me,” Laxus ordered as soon as they finished discussing the plan and Freed didn't object, following him without question. That was another reason Laxus liked him. In fact, there were many reasons why he liked Freed. Because he was loyal, smart, powerful, handsome, damn good in bed and… Laxus banished those last thoughts. They were irrelevant.

They entered Laxus' room and Freed closed the door behind. Then, without saying a word, Laxus pushed Freed against the wall, pretending to kiss and touch him. Fortunately, Freed didn't object.

Like the first time they went to bed, it all happened very quickly. Laxus tore off Freed's clothes, Freed undressed Laxus without much preamble, their lips sought each other as if they had waited no more for those three months. And indeed, Laxus had.

He had almost feared that Freed had forgotten about him while fucking with other men, but the boy was there. He was kissing him with such force that he seemed almost desperate. But it was Laxus who felt desperate. It was he who had craved that touch. His hands everywhere. Their chests against each other. Their cocks rubbing.

Laxus dragged Freed onto the bed. He didn't stop to look at him, instead, he immediately flung himself on his neck. He bit hard and hearing the wizard's uncontrolled moan sent a jolt to his cock. Oh yeah, he wanted to hear all the noises from him. He wanted to hear that Freed liked it. He wanted to know that Freed wanted him as much as he did.

He wanted to know that maybe, maybe, Freed had missed him too. It was ridiculous. Freed wouldn't miss anyone. Freed was an emotionless man, he only thought about his duties and that was why Laxus wanted him as his right-hand man.

Freed's hand reached his cock and began to wank it, and Laxus moaned on the wizard's neck. He was already panting and they hadn't started yet. His head was already beginning to cloud with pleasure, and he reached out on the bedside table. In a frenzy he dropped everything, but he grabbed the lube and slipped his fingers between Freed's legs.

After getting them wet, he pushed a finger into Freed's ass, and was surprised to hear the wizard already cursing.

“Shit, Laxus”.

Oh God. How good his name sounded in his voice, in that tone. He wanted to hear more.

Laxus pushed his finger, then added the second and enjoyed the boy's moans. It had never happened that Freed was this loud from the start, but Laxus liked it. In fact, he wanted more. He damn wanted more. He didn't think he'd ever wanted anyone so much in his entire life.

Laxus tried to spread it out quickly, because he honestly couldn't help himself. He just wanted to get inside him and fuck him. He hit the right spot and a loud moan filled the room. Freed took his hand off his cock, then turned on his stomach.

“Fuck me,” he ordered in a hoarse voice. A shiver of excitement ran through Laxus, who didn’t have it repeated a second time. He slipped on the condom and pressed his member against Freed's hole, then entered.

“Oh God,” Laxus moaned as he grabbed Freed's hips. Fuck, he was finally there. He didn't wait to start moving, and slowly and deeply thrusted into Freed. He wanted to fill him, he wanted to have him, he wanted to hear everything Freed had to moan about. He wanted to do it until dawn, and then start over.

From slower and deeper thrusts, he passed to ever more rapid, inconstant and purely savage thrusts. Stronger and stronger he continued to push and it took very little for both of them to come. Freed stained the sheet under them, while Laxus continued to push himself against him still in the throes of orgasm.

Perhaps the most intense he'd had in his life. He wanted to cry, and hold Freed, and never break away from him.

“Freed” moaned “Oh fuck Freed, I missed you,” he moaned without even realizing it. The orgasm ended and he collapsed on top of him, letting go and panting in Freed's hair. Finally breathing in the smell of him, finally holding him in his arms.

He didn't want to break away. He didn't want that moment to end. He wanted to stretch it for eternity.

Then something woke him from his trance. Freed's voice. Soft, sweet and warm.

“I missed you too,” he said.

Laxus let out a sigh, feeling a mad desire to hold him close. Instead, he realized what they had said and panic enveloped him. What the fuck had he thought of? It didn't matter that Freed reciprocated, he didn't have to say it. He didn't have to make himself so weak, so pathetic, so fragile.

Laxus released his embrace, slipped off Freed and threw the condom aside. Then he sat on the bed, waiting for Freed to leave as usual. The rune mage turned to him, and when Laxus looked at him he saw that he had a strangely sweet and almost loving expression. An expression that Laxus found himself wanting to always see. While they were making love, before and after.

A shiver ran through him. Since when did he think of sex as making love? The one with Freed was just and purely sex. Nothing more.

Freed reached out and brushed his cheek in a caress and Laxus remained motionless, while his heart was beating madly and a frighteningly affectionate heat filled his stomach. What the hell was going on?

“You're going to be a fantastic Master,” Freed said softly. God, that tone Laxus had craved was making him feel weak. The Dragon Slayer turned away so as not to have to look him in the eye.

“I’ve to become Master first. Have you written all the Jutsu Shiki?” Laxus asked, forcing himself to have a controlled tone. Freed was silent for a moment, then withdrew his hand and assumed his usual impassive expression again.

“I'm going to finish the final details,” he said as he dressed. Laxus wanted to ask him to stay. He wanted to ask him to sleep with him, not to abandon him, to read into him as only he knew how to do. Instead, he remained silent as Freed left the room.

The only reason he was able to sleep was because he was sure Freed would stay close to him.

***

It was finished. Fairy Tail, the missions, the adventures with the Raijinshuu, the nights with Freed. It was all over. And all because he had acted like an idiot. All because he had been acting selfish, because he had gone beyond his initial idea. Because he hadn't been able to stop. Because he had decided that becoming a Master was his goal.

He didn't focus on the strength of the guild, not only that. He had felt defeated, and he had never been defeated. Never, before that time. And now that he was, it was all over.

Now he had to tell his companions, and Laxus's heart clenched. He had seen them before he went to talk to his grandfather. He had seen Bickslow's wounds after he had fought Loke. He had seen Evergreen's bad mood after she was defeated by Erza. And he had seen the wounds on Freed's body.

Most of all, though, he had seen the pain in his eyes. He had seen it at the cathedral, but he had ignored it. Then he had seen it when Freed had silently accompanied him home to take care of him. Freed hadn't said a word, he had disinfected and bandaged his wounds. He hadn't said anything, but his expression spoke for him.

Because, for once, his face wasn't stiff and expressionless. This time Freed had been completely open to his emotions. He was disappointed, discouraged, guilty. Laxus hadn't even thanked him after Freed finished blindfolding him.

On the other hand, he had forced Freed to sit on the bed and had treated his wounds. He had never done this before. He usually let Bickslow and Evergreen do it. This time, however, Laxus wanted to make him understand that he was sorry for having dragged him into something like this. That he was sorry he attacked him at the cathedral, that he was sorry he ordered him to kill.

So, for the first time, Laxus had run his hands over Freed’s body not to fuck him, or to enjoy his muscles. He had done it only and solely to take care of him, to show him something. Something he couldn't say or put into words. Freed had let him do it, he hadn't asked any questions. He hadn't said anything.

Which was odd, Freed always had something to tell him. He always had the ideal words in his mouth, whether it was cheering him up, or making him think. But this time he didn't have them.

Laxus finally spoke, telling him he was going to talk to his grandfather, and Freed didn't answer. He just nodded, then turned to the window and let his gaze no longer rest on him. Laxus had waited a couple of seconds before exiting the room, hoping to hear an answer. When he realized it wasn't coming, he went out.

He had faced his grandfather, and now the knowledge of having to get out of Fairy Tail was hitting him. He had to tell Freed, Bickslow and Evergreen. But first, he wanted to talk to Freed alone. He felt the need to do it, to tell him that the nights they had spent together weren't just a surge. He needed to do it before he left, and he didn't even know why. But the idea of not seeing him for the next few months was killing him.

He entered Freed's house and walked up the stairs to the boy's bedroom. He knocked and heard his friend's voice answer. Laxus entered and saw that the wizard hadn’t moved from the position he had left him. Freed was still sitting on the mattress, staring at the window. For a moment his eyes rested on Laxus, but he still said nothing.

“I talked to Grandpa,” Laxus said, closing the door behind him. Freed looked at him again in silence, perhaps waiting to hear the rest. At least, Laxus hoped so. Because he needed Freed to want him, that he didn't hate him. Even though he deserved Freed’s hatred, he didn't want it.

But Freed didn't say anything, he didn't ask for anything. Maybe he wasn't interested. Maybe he just wanted him to go away. Maybe he was only there because he was too dutiful. Because he didn't want to back down from the promise he had made years ago. Maybe he would be glad to know that Laxus was going to leave.

Those thoughts broke something inside him. Laxus began to sob, putting his hands to his face and letting his true emotions come to the surface for the first time in years. Not the anger with which he had persisted in covering everything up. Not the violence he had used as a shield. Only heavy sobbing and tears.

He could take it all, but not Freed's hatred. He realized, he couldn't do it. He realized that he loved him. That he really did. That he wasn't mad at him because Freed doubted his strength, but that he did it because Laxus was terrified of his death. That he wasn't pissed off at the dark guild because they made him nervous, but because Freed was gone. That the pain he felt every time Freed walked out of his room was nothing more than pain not to be reciprocated. That sex with Freed was not just sex, but a lifeline. That the way he'd slammed into his body the night before was desperation, for not having seen him after three full months.

Laxus advanced towards Freed and when he caught up with him, he fell to his knees, continuing to sob without being able to restrain himself. He rested his forehead on Freed's knee and shivered at the contact, terrified that Freed might kick him out.

“I'm sorry,” he said. His voice came out strangled and he feared Freed hadn't understood. “I'm sorry,” he repeated. “I'm so sorry, Freed, so much,” he cried.

He deserved his hatred, he deserved it all. Instead, he felt Freed's fingers in his hair, gently massaging his head. Laxus continued to cry, not having the courage to look up to meet Freed’s eyes, he didn’t know what they would show.

Maybe hate, contempt or disappointment. Because Laxus had let him down.

He continued to sob without caring that anyone could hear him, lulled only by the caresses of Freed, who despite everything, was not pushing him away. That despite everything, was still taking care of him.

Long minutes passed before Laxus recovered. His eyes still swollen he looked up and was surprised to see that Freed's face was streaked with silent tears. He widened his eyes slightly. He had never seen the boy cry. And it was his fault. A squeeze in his heart hit him and Laxus reached out and ran a thumb over his cheek to wipe it away.

Freed looked down at him and smiled sadly at him.

“I'm sorry too,” he said.

Laxus shook his head. “No, it's my fault.”

“Not only,” Freed said, then leaned over and ran his hands over Laxus’ face, carefully wiping his cheeks. Laxus let him do it, wondering how long he'd craved those sweet cures from him. Once Laxus felt his face dry, Freed didn’t part with him. He held his face in his hands, looking at him with a disarming sweetness that made Laxus feel fragile. He had long wanted Freed to look at him that way, but he didn't want it to happen that way.

“I’ve to get out of Fairy Tail,” he revealed. Freed frowned slightly, then seemed to understand and his eyes clouded with a sadness that Laxus didn’t understand. Which somehow made him feel good and bad at the same time. Freed still cared about him on some level, but Laxus remained his source of pain.

“I love you,” Laxus whispered, certain that if he didn't say it now, he wouldn't have the courage to do it. He saw Freed's eyes widen slightly and his mouth open, but no sound came out. Laxus needed to say it, even if it was perhaps the worst time.

“It was never just sex.” It was love. “I missed you terribly in the last three months” And I will miss you very much in the next months. “Freed... I love you, and I'm sorry to tell you now, and I'm sorry I made you...” his eyes filled with tears again. He felt pathetic, but he couldn't stop them. His cheeks got wet again and Laxus sobbed. “I made you fight against others, I'm sorry I dragged you into my plan, almost hit you. I... I don't know what was on my mind. I'm sorry Freed.” He cried and just wanted to lower his head and hide from Freed's eyes. But Freed wouldn't let him, held his face up and walked over to him.

“I love you too, Laxus.” The sentence came out sweet and with a surprisingly firm tone. Laxus blinked to shed more tears that prevented him from seeing clearly. But he had heard it. Freed had really said it.

The rune mage leaned over him, and Laxus lifted his chin and straightened his back. For the first time, they shared a sweet kiss that didn't taste like sex. That kiss smelled of tears, sadness and love. All those feelings were confusing Laxus, who could only reciprocate and hope it wasn't a dream.

But it wasn’t a dream, because there was nothing perfect. If it had been a dream, he and Freed would have gone to sleep together and started dating. Maybe they’d try to make a date. It would have been awkward, but sweet. Maybe they’d share a few kisses, they’d hug each other without necessarily having to have sex, and maybe Laxus would finally feel good.

But that was the reality, and nothing like that would have happened. Laxus would leave and leave Freed in Magnolia. They wouldn’t see each other for who knows how long, and then, if and when he returned, who knows if Freed would continue to love him.

They broke the kiss and for long seconds they looked into each other's eyes. Laxus felt his heart explode. Never before would he have wanted to stay in Fairy Tail as he did now. And right now he had to leave. He needed it, and he knew it. He had done enormous damage, he had fought against his guildmates, he had thought of killing them just to be able to reach his goal. He had never felt so disgusting.

“I have to go,” Laxus said hoarsely.

“I know,” Freed said. Laxus groaned faintly, almost fearing that Freed didn't really care. “I know,” Freed repeated. “I don't want to let you go, but I know it's for the best. For you, and for us”.

“For us?” Laxus asked faintly.

“We haven't had a really good relationship for two people who love each other, have we?” Freed asked. No, they hadn't had it at all. “I never should have left after those nights. I'm so sorry Laxus. Know that I didn't want to, that it has always been difficult for me to leave your bed”.

That revelation gave him warmth at the height of his heart. Laxus stared at Freed silently, realizing for the first time that that was all he'd wanted to hear from the first time they had sex. Maybe he wasn't in love with Freed at the time, but he certainly cared more about him than he wanted to admit.

“And know that I’ll wait for you. That my love for you will not diminish, even if I have never shown it to you”.

You did it instead, Laxus thought. Freed had taken care of him, had followed him, had been by his side in the worst moments. Laxus was the one who had done nothing for Freed.

“But we both need it. We have both misbehaved with our guildmates, we have had misconceptions and it’s time for us to take some time to improve. To think about our mistakes and become better people,” Freed said. Laxus nodded, knowing that his friend was right. That didn't make him feel any better.

“I don't want it to… end,” Laxus admitted. Their relationship, whatever relationship they had. Even if it wasn't the kind of relationship he wanted to have. Freed smiled lovingly.

“This isn't our end,” he replied. “It's just the end of a bad relationship. We weren't ready, neither you nor me. And we certainly aren't now. But I'm sure we will be in a couple of months,” he said with conviction. “And I'm willing to wait and start over, and do it right.” Laxus felt better about that promise. “Are you willing to ...?”.

“Yes,” he replied immediately. Freed smiled slightly, and Laxus felt his heart fill with joy at the knowledge that he had snatched a smile from his friend. He stood up smiling, even though the sense of sadness still lingered inside him.

“I don't know when I'll be back,” he admitted.

“It doesn't matter,” Freed said as he stood up in front of him. “Take the time you need”. Laxus nodded and ran his gaze to Freed's features, wanting to impress his friend's face on his head.

“When do you leave?” Freed asked.

“Tonight,” Laxus decided. The more he put off, the worse it would be. Freed's gaze wavered for a moment.

“Don't you watch the parade?” he asked him.

“Better not,” Laxus said. “I'm going to say bye to Evergreen and Bickslow too,” he said. Freed nodded and followed him. By the time they reached Magnolia Park with their friends, both of them had already run out of tears.

***

He wasn't gone yet. He had exited Magnolia after seeing the Fantasia parade, but he hadn't taken many more steps. Laxus kept thinking about everything that had happened. He had never had such an intense day of emotions, but somehow, he wasn't feeling bad now. He had cried with Freed, then had cried when he saw the parade, and now he felt almost better. Maybe crying didn't hurt that much, maybe it was necessary to get rid of the pain.

He looked up at the star-filled sky and thought back to the conversation he had had with his grandfather. How Natsu had spoken to him without rancor. How Freed told he loved him. How Evergreen and Bickslow had cried when he left.

He would miss Fairy Tail. All Fairy Tail. Not just Freed. And not just Evergreen and Bickslow. Fairy Tail had been his home anyway.

Laxus looked at the nearby city and then decided to return. Just a moment, just for a last goodbye to the person to whom he owed so much.

With the speed of lightning he reached Freed's house, landing on his terrace. He wasn't surprised to see that the boy was still awake and reading. He passed the half-open window and the wizard turned to him.

“Hey, I just wanted to… say goodbye,” Laxus said. Again. Freed motioned for him to join him on the bed. Laxus hesitated for a moment, but then he joined him and lay down under the sheets beside Freed.

“Are you staying here tonight?” Freed asked.

“No, I…”.

“Stay,” Freed said. Laxus softened his gaze and silently accepted.

They didn't have sex that night. They didn't even make love. They just slept, embraced and with their legs intertwined. Laxus was the first to fall asleep, his nose buried in Freed's hair, thinking that such a night wouldn’t repeat itself for the next few months. He too was the first to wake up the next day, with Freed in his arms, breathing deeply asleep.

Laxus slipped silently out of bed, without waking him. He left him a light kiss on the forehead and knowing that he wouldn’t be able to greet him a third time, he left the terrace and walked towards the Magnolia exit. He walked the streets in the first rays of the sun. He left the city and walked towards the path, leaving everything behind, but with a promise.

He would come back and become a better man.

[stay-mon-army]

The Soccer Incident

Warnings: A couple swears

Word Count: 2,534 words

Pairing: Junhoe x female!reader

Koo Junhoe was a contradiction. He was an anomaly in the usual order of things, and everyone seemed to love him for it. He was one of the most popular people in his university because he didn’t quite fit into any one category. He was a physical education major, he was the star player on the lacrosse team, the most sought after male player in the intramural soccer club on campus, he was arguably the most attractive jock in the whole school, and he was the reason there was a Jiu Jitsu club on campus. You would think hearing all of these accomplishments that he was a total meat head jock- there’s no way any man this invested in physical activity could ever be interested in more stationary, softer intellects.

However, Junhoe was also a creative writing minor. He was a part of a small writers group that he had compiled of poetry writers (like him) and fiction writers (a passion he deeply admires but didn’t have the same calling for). He had a few poems published in the school’s English journal, and was never caught without his leather bound notebook for his poetry.

Junhoe was one of the most versatile students in his university- but this never seemed to cross Junhoe’s mind. He didn’t see any reason why people would expect anything else from him. Why were people always surprised when they learned that the star lacrosse player was also a poet? Why were his friends in Jiu Jitsu club always laughing when they saw him scribbling away in his journal before meeting started instead of stretching like the rest of them?

Not everyone judged Junhoe so harshly, and there’s no way he could miss the way girls watched him when he walked around campus. Like he could ever be oblivious when the girls in his writing group created love interests that could almost be his doppelganger. Junhoe’s gay-dar was also almost flawless- it wasn’t just the girls that gave him heart eyes in passing.

However, there was one girl that totally ignored Junhoe— (Y/N) was the conundrum that Junhoe couldn’t figure out. He knew she liked boys- he’d seen her at parties with boyfriends, but she didn’t seem to notice him at all. He’d only tried to talk to her once, and she’d been kind, but she’d been late to class and had to rush off. Of course, it was just Junhoe’s luck that the only girl that Junhoe had eyes for was also the one who looked right through him.

He didn’t know much about her— it wasn’t like he was some stalker. He did know, however, that she was also a creative writing minor and was a junior- just like Junhoe. They had previously been in two classes together, which was how she had managed to catch his eye. She would come to class either dressed to the nines- perfectly designed outfits that matched all the way to the jewelry- or looking like she’d just rolled out of bed- her hair in a messy bun, a pair of sweats baggy and hanging from her waist haphazardly. To him, she always looked beautiful.

The thing that really won his heart, though, wasn’t her look or their similarities; it was the way that she always gave him blunt, brutally honest feedback on his pieces. Most of their others in his creative writing classes either don’t know enough to give good feedback, or were so infatuated with him that they gave nothing but blind praise for everything he wrote. (Y/N) was the only person except the Professor who could give advice that Junhoe could use— ideas that sparked Junhoe’s mind to make even better, deeper poems that expressed exactly what he meant.

Her straightforward nature had won him over, but was also the thing that stopped him from shooting his shot. Nothing scared him quite like the idea of being rejected by her— he could imagine it now and it gave him chills. His mind paints the picture without his consent; asking her out the next time they pass, her blank face staring before it morphs into one of pity, her soft voice explaining she’s not interested, her turning away— scurrying off before he can make it more awkward.

No, he’s perfectly fine admiring from afar. It hurt less; he’d rather her not know he exists than to be another weird boy hitting on a classmate he barely knows.

Fate seemed to have other plans for Junhoe, however. Or, more accurately, his best friend, who happens to run the intramural club. He had shown up slightly early for the club meeting that day and was surprised to see Donghyuk with (Y/N) and her best friend, (Y/BF/N), who was the best female player on the intramural team. He really was contemplating running in the opposite direction as quickly as he could, but he was a second too slow.

“Yo, Jun, come here!” Donghyuk waves him over, a wide grin on his face, knowing exactly what he was doing to the poor man.

With a deep breath and a lot of internal cursing of Donghyuk’s existence, he slowly jogged towards the trio.

“Dong, what’s up, man?” Junhoe had no idea what was coming out of his mouth, or why he suddenly sounded like some of the more asshole boys in his sports classes, but he was too focused on remembering to breathe and not trip to care much. Donghyuk’s eyebrows bounce at the greeting, obviously making the same judgement that Junhoe did, before nodding at him, playing it off.

“You know (Y/B/F/N),” Donghyuk gestures to the two women beside him. “This is her best friend, (Y/N). She’s going to take up Miyoung’s spot while her wrist heals.”

Junhoe nods at (Y/B/F/N), who smiles at him. He doesn’t know where he gains the confidence, but he looks directly at you and says, “Don’t we have a creative writing class together?” The automatic look of confusion makes Junhoe’s heart freeze, then instantly knock impossibly fast against his rib cage.

But then your eyes burst with realization, a huge grin splitting your face. “You mean Dr. Scott’s class? God, I’m barely alive for that class; how are you awake enough that early to know the other kids in that class?” You were laughing with him— though it took him a second to laugh along because wow you were having a conversation.

“I just really like the class— I zone out in most other classes.” It wasn’t a lie, he just didn’t point out you were his favorite part of the class. All his other writing classes over the semesters without you had been almost torture with all the fawning, ass-kissing girls.

“Yeah, Jun is actually a pretty shit student because he’d rather write poems and join every sports club on campus than do his damn homework.” Donghyuk nudges Junhoe, laughing as Junhoe balks at his words.

“Well his poems are good so it must pay off a little! I’ll be the judge today if the same can be said about his sport skills.” You chuckle, and try to ignore the look that (Y/B/F/N) is shooting you that Junhoe thankfully doesn’t catch.

Junhoe is too busy having to physically restrain himself from fawning over your praise. Luckily your friend jumped in just before he could combust with the effort.

“We should go get ready. Let’s go stretch under the shade over there, (Y/N)!” She loops her arm around your bicep, lightly tugging you away from the boys. You wave at them, looking simultaneously absolutely adorable and like you were afraid your friend would kill you when you reached the aforementioned shade.

When you finally turned to look at (Y/B/F/N), Donghyuk whacks Junhoe’s bicep hard, making him wince and rub the abused spot. “Make a move already, idiot. Are you blind, or just stupid? Did someone put you in a particularly tight chokehold recently?”

“Wh-what?” Well that told Donghyuk all he needed to know and he sighed as he rubbed his face.

“She likes you too, dipshit. Just ask her out already.” Junhoe stared at his best friend for a solid minute before he burst out laughing.

His eyes welled with tears as he gasped around peals of laughter, holding his ribs as his sides spasmed from the force of his laughter. He couldn’t believe Donghyuk had said that when he’d just done so much to try not to seem like a crazy person.

“You’re hopeless, I swear.” Donghyuk shakes his head, leaving Junhoe’s still cackling figure to go greet a couple other students in the club who had arrived.

Although Junhoe is able to physically calm himself down and begin to stretch for the game, his mind wouldn’t stop thinking of Donghyuk’s words, and he repeatedly had to stop himself from looking over his shoulder at you to see if you were looking at him too. Finally Donghyuk called everyone to the side of the field to split into teams.

Just Junhoe’s luck that he was on the opposite team as you. He had wanted to work with you to win— the idea of you two playing soccer together and beating the other team made his heart race in a way that confused him. It was just a little passing crush on you, why was he so invested in doing things with you?

Get yourself together, Junhoe, and get your ass out there.

He took a deep breath and huddled up with his team, splitting up positions and delegating who would play when, since there were so many members on both teams that they would change out players. Junhoe was to be the first member in the goal, which he wasn’t ecstatic about, but he accepted it with a grin. He could play any position just as well as the next person, so he knew he could keep the goal safe from the other team. He really would’ve preferred to be out on the field to show off his skills though—especially with you out there. You had pulled your hair from your face and you had shed the light jacket you had on previously to show off a band t-shirt, a group he absolutely adored to listen to while writing that he never would have expected you to like as well.

As he took his place in the goal at their end of the field, he watched you stand next to your friend, laughing at something she said, pushing her lightly. He couldn’t help but smile wide at how happy you looked—totally at ease despite the fact you were about to play soccer with a group that you barely knew.

Donghyuk shouted out a “start game” from his position on the sidelines (he was sitting out this first half, but he would later take Junhoe’s position, as he preferred to stay on the side, watching the action instead of running around). Junhoe’s team was a surprisingly good mixture of members; while not the best players, they seemed to work together beautifully today, and Junhoe’s job was mind-numbingly easy.

The ball almost never came to their side of the field, except for a handful of close calls that Junhoe quickly dispatched with calculated ease. His team was winning 3-0 with only about 10 minutes left for this half before they switched out the members. Hearing this minute warning seemed to light a newfound fire under your ass, however, and you suddenly seemed to learn exactly how to play soccer like a pro. Your goalkeeper had kicked the ball at you after saving it from another goal. Seemingly in a matter of seconds you were one with the soccer ball as you effortlessly handled it all the way across the field to his goal until you were only a few feet from him. You made eye contact and he could see the fire and drive in your eyes for a goal, and he made a conscious decision in that second to let you make the goal. He would let the ball through—what was one small goal anyway, and it was only an intramural game.

However, his plans changed quickly when you punted the ball—hard. Instead of going into the goal cleanly, like he was expecting, it went straight for his forehead, knocking his head back with a sharp thwack sound. He fell to the ground with a harsh groan, his hands coming up to rest on his face as the world spun and warped, pain spreading across his whole head. He lay on his back, cradling his head in his hands, as he grunted out swears that would make his mother smack him harder than the soccer ball had.

“Oh my god, are you alright? Jesus, I’m so so sorry.” Your voice was high and anxious, and racing closer to him. He moved his hands and opened his eyes, squinting against the harsh sunlight to see your face looking down at him. You were sweaty from all the running, and your hair was starting to fall back into your face, but he still couldn’t help smiling.

“God, you’re beautiful, (Y/N).” He didn’t know what that ball did to his head, but he didn’t really mind the sudden courage it gave him.

Your face dropped into shock before you burst out into glorious laughter, your face lighting up into the widest and most adorable smile Junhoe had ever seen.

“You’re crazy, Junhoe.” You brush a strand on his hair from his face before pressing a hand softly to his cheek. He closes his eyes and leans into the touch softly. “No, no, don’t close your eyes. We don’t know if you have a concussion yet.”

His eyes flutter open and look at you with soft eyes. He gathers the last bit of pain-drunk courage to blurt out, “Go on a date with me?”

You nod, looking down at his splayed figure. “It is the least I can do after almost taking your head off with a soccer ball.”

“Good kick, by the way.”

You both laugh at that as you stand, slowly taking his hands and helping him to his feet as well. He winces and places the heel of his hand between his eyebrows, where the most pain is currently radiating.

“Let’s get you an icepack.” You chuckle, putting his arm around your shoulder and walking him towards the nurse’s office. Donghyuk didn’t seem to even ask if Junhoe was alright, he was well aware that he would be fine with some rest and ice. Instead, he just jumped into his place with an accomplished grin on his face, starting the game right back up.

You didn’t need to help Junhoe all the way to the nurse, or stay with him for the 20 minutes he sat there with an icepack to his forehead, but the conversation you had was funny and sweet. And truth be told, you had noticed Junhoe many times in the past and had been drawn to him. You were more than happy for any excuse to interact with him outside of class. And thanks to this upcoming date, you would finally get the chance to get to know him that much better.

[soft-for-them]

Shrapnel ♡ Mission Impossible x reader

Anon 🐛: Hello! If possible, I’d like to request a platonic IMF team x fem reader, where reader gets injured somehow on a mission and the team tries to help patch her up but she’s extremely self-conscious and keeps refusing to let them remove an item of clothing for better access to the wound or something (eventually giving in, of course). Hope you have a great day! :)

I’m going for the ethan, benji, luther and ilsa team because they are my favourite IMF team so I guess this is set after fall out. Female reader. injury mentioned.

Proof read, edited and remastered on 20.10.2021

The mission was supposed to be a small one but all of the team had gotten injured somehow making the small job a lot harder. 

Sure, the gang you and the team were tasked to take down weren’t a threat to the whole wide world like the Syndicate and August Walker, which was your first ever field mission with the IMF, a mission that cemented you as a permanent member of the team. However, now you, Benji and Ilsa stand out of breath and waiting for either Luther to drive up in the get away car or for Ethan to somehow ‘save the day’ like he always seems to do.

The IMF team has successfully defeated the rouge gang but in the process the building behind you in burning up like fireplace from the explosion that was caused moments ago.

Benji and Ethan were closest to the impact of the bomb without being in direct contact with the flames but you had pulled Benji out the way of a window that had shattered from the fire causing a slight pain in your torso.

The both of you have assumed that Ethan had survived like he always does so all you need to do now is wait.

“Hurry up, hurry up.” Benji mutters to himself as Ilsa tries to treat a gash on his arm and the scratches adorned his face. The blonde man winces as she ties his arm up with the remnants of non burnt bits of his jacket.

“You’re lucky that (y/n) pulled you away when she did.” both Ilsa and Benji give you a thankful smile, “You could have been pierced in the gut by some shrapnel or be burnt alive but the fire.”

“I should have stayed at my desk job.” You chuckle at the two agents as Benji starts swatting Ilsa’s hands away from his arm.

“Same here!” Benji jokes for he knows what it’s like to be pulled from your desk job to an action packed agent life.

You laugh some more but not because you find it particularly funny, you do always joke with Benji about stuff like that but you’re not laughing because of that. No, you’re laughing for you feel a stinging pain in your side and you’re trying to hide your pain.

When you had pulled Benji from the explosion you had gotten hit too. Sure, you thought it was just some cuts and lots of inhaling of black smoke but as you hunch down further you realise that the shrapnel might of hit you instead of Benji.

All the adrenaline and the fact that you haven’t looked down at your now bleeding side means that the pain isn’t as bad as it will become.

“(Y/n) are you ok?” the concerned voice of Benji calls out to you, the sweet man’s concern for you making you look up with a small smile.

“I just-“ what do you say to him? Do you lie to them both? Can you even lie to them? “I’m still out of breath from all the running and smoke Benji.”

Your voice is hoarse from the smoke and you’re face looks fine but not convinced by your act Ilsa gets up to check over you.

 Thankfully for you she is interrupted by Luther pulling up in a four door green family car one a mother would driver her kid into school.

“Where’s Ethan!?!” he shouts concern in his voice.

A mixture of Benji, Ilsa and you answering is heard, all saying around about the same thing of ‘he got away!’ satisfies the hat wearing agent for now.

Ilsa tries to help you up to the car but you brush her off and make her go to Benji who is wobbling around like a newborn deer. With a prolonged inhale of now clean air you shuffled to the car, opening one of the side doors to clamber into.

Ilsa and Benji take the seats furthers to the back of the six seater car and you flop across the middle seats, leaving Luther on his own in the front of the car.

“Ahhhh!” you exhale with a small scream like sound which gets everyone’s attention on you.

“You’re not ok (L/n)!” Ilsa shouts about to climb over into the middle seats.

“I’m fine my lungs just hurt from the smoke!” technically that’s a half truth but really the pain is from wound trickling blood down your side.

Ilsa is interrupted once more by a small flash of Ethan Hunt running up near the family car windows.

Such a small man can run too fast.

With all your strength you lean up and open the sliding door for Ethan to jump in. The small man catapults himself next to you in the little space you’ve left. His hair is singed by the fire and his face is covered in sweat and ash but he climbs over into the passenger seat next to Luther just fine.

“Of course you survived!” Benji calls out half jokingly half in relief. 

The blur of Ethan and Luther talking lulls you into a sleepy state, the pain of your side almost disappearing. However, you’re snapped out of your sleepy trance but the ever so slightly frantic voice of Ilsa. 

“Luther drive quicker!” She frantically says as she finally scales over the seat to you.

You’re too out of it to move your legs so the woman basically lifts them up like you’re a child hogging the sofa. With worry she looks at your side which is less dark blur from you coat but more rich purple from the blood imbedding into the fabric.

“Damn, she was hit by the blast hard!” Ilsa sounds panicked as your try to keep your eyes open.

It’s all a blur but you see Benji pass the medical kit to her and you feel Luther picking up speed in the small minivan. 

”Why didn’t you tell me?” Ilsa says as she tries to lift up your coat and shirt.

“No.” you push her away, “It isn’t bad.”

“Have you looked at it (y/n)?” Benji asks which you reply with a shake of the head.

“I was- I was runnin-“ you start to disconnect with the world, slurring your words as your eyes begin to close.

“Stay with me (L/n).” Ilsa says as she tries to lift your shirt.

“Nooooo, you’ll see my body.” you whine in your out of it state self, the words turning into nothing as you drift away.

You look over to your dear friend Benji, who you always joke with your blurry eyes seeing a man near to crying.

“Benji. Imma ok, I don’t feel it that much.”

Ilsa tries again to lift your shirt which by any rate will be most blood if you don’t let her lift it soon.

“Ilsa no… I don’t want you to see my body, I hate it…” you gasp.

In any given time you wouldn’t of been so truthful but maybe the lack of blood or the humming feeling of tiredness has turned off you thinking.

“You are beautiful but you will be less beautiful if you bleed to death.” With her normally stoic facade down she starts to plea with you, “Please (y/n), let me help!”

“…Huh, uh, as long as the men in this vehicle look away.” you slur as the pain starts to get slightly worse.

All of the men look away from you; Benji sitting back down in his seat, Ethan fiddling with hidsen gun and Luther looking back to the road.

Ilsa takes your top layers off showing the bit of glass digging out of your side blood making you (colour) skin deep red. You look down to see just how bad the injury is only to feel a huge wave of pain drown you and the urge to pass out.

“Looking at it makes it worse.” Ilsa says as she applies pressure to wound without taking the large bit of glass out.

“We’re almost here!” Luther calls as he magically slides the car under a closing garage door, he carries on driving to a lower level where he stops the car and he immediately gets out to help you along with the rest of the IMF.

“No looking at my bra!” you whine as Luther slides open the door closets to your head, Ilsa making sure you don’t fall backwards.

“We’re looking at that thing in your side (y/n) not you boobs!” Benji jabbers is in a flurry as he tries and help with you.

Ilsa and Luther get you out and lead you to a door, which Benji opens, Ethan not far behind talking to someone on the phone.

“We have an agent who need urgent medical treatment!” he urges as you hobble with Luther and Ilsa inside.

.

.

It has now been a month since your injury and the ragged piece of glass than had scared your side in now displayed on your desk, a reminder that you’re lucky that you aren’t dead.

For the last most since then Benji has been acting like an overprotective best friend telling you that you shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are along with some dad jokes sprinkled in to make you smile.

Luther and Ethan have been more concerned about your health and healing but you still got a talking to from the men about how the IMF don’t judge anyone for what they look like. (That conversion was mostly from Ethan and Luther nodding his head in the background.)

You’re still in shock about how much Ilsa had cares for you. She had called you by your first name and she had also called you beautiful, a thing she had never done before that day.

Even now in-between missions as you sit behind a desk you’ll get a short and sweet text from her asking how your are.

You stretch out in you spinny chair with a relieved sigh. 

There’s still a long way to go with excepting your body but with all that had happened to you feel more comfortable with yourself and the IMF team.

.

.

.

Edit: Proof reading may still be off because I’m tired, still love Benji and Ilsa.

Old description:

Did i write this right after i got the request? yes, but i don’t know how good this is. it’s too late for all this writing but i did it!

also i want to write an ilsa x plus size reader and/or a benji x plus size reader because i love them both! (i get gay panic for ilsa and i just find benji adorable!)

[granvarones]

Sometimes we are late to the BBQ right? Well in the case of Ultra Naté (pronounced Na-Tay), I didn’t arrive at the BBQ til 1998. I was 15 years old and my teenage icon Filipinx Freestyle/Dance Diva Jocelyn Enriquez was sprinkled with Disco fairy dust along with dance divas Amber and Ultra Naté under the moniker Stars On 54. They revamped the 1971 folk classic “If You Could Read My Mind” by Gordon Lightfoot into one the most fascinating covers I’ve ever heard (just listen back to back and gag). This collaboration introduced me to Ms. Naté and piqued my curiosity.

Eight years into her career, Ultra Naté had landed five singles into Top 10 on the Billboard Dance Chart by the time I bought the single to her hit single “Free” at Tower Records (I miss you so much). As soon as I heard that guitar riff in the intro followed by those chords and 4/4 I was hooketh. I immediately grabbed a copy of the Situation: Critical album. I stared at the artwork fascinated by its silvery gloss and the acupuncture needles in her face. It was futuristic as fuck! The album’s photography was shot by the legendary Eric Johson who is known for iconic photos of Erykah Badu, Lauryn Hill, Aaliyah, and Biggie. I wasn’t totally sold on the album at first because as a teenager I was infatuated with Freestyle music and this was out of my teenage comfort. However, the album grew on me and eventually I connected to each song on a personal level. At the time I was struggling with my budding sexuality, lack of interest in education, and a toxic-ass family dynamic. This album would eventually become my personal teenage bible.

“Somehow things must change, and it’s got to be for the better” the lyrics from the albums intro track “Situation: Critical” pierced my young gay soul. When my being sexually molested was brought to the light my parents were so wounded by life; none of them had the capacity to support me. My father was strung out on drugs, my mother’s mental health was dwindling, and my step mother struggled to keep a roof over our heads. I felt so fucking hurt by their neglect that all I thought of was escaping at 18. My then therapist Judy had a huge black and white picture of New York City and one day I declared “I’m going to live there!” Until then I endlessly played this album on my discman throughout my teens to keep my ass sane.

There was a rage building inside me and “Found A Cure” was that song that embodied what I felt. Lines like “Feels like I’m going crazy, feels like I’m going insane” were my everyday life and I wanted out but I was still underaged. “How many times have you been left alone and you feel confused?” solidified my connection to Ultra. This was the second single from the album which hit #1 on Billboard Club Songs. The music video was directed by Charles Stone III who would years later direct the epic CrazySexyCool: The TLC Story. Larry Flick of Billboard wrote “Naté fearlessly faces the challenge with a jam that smartly doesn’t aim to duplicate the tone of her now-classic hit…The diva is in fine voice here and is matched by a muscular bassline and keyboard/guitar interplay that oozes with funk flavor…Miss Nate proves there’s more than Free in her locker with a pure floorfiller. A Gloria Gaynor for the Millennium.” Mic drop.

“A New Kind of Medicine,” the album’s second track, and third single, lightened the mood after the dark yet realist ‘Situation’. During this era in House music Disco samples were a huge commodity. While this was purely an original song the Disco influence is prevalent. The single had some heavy hitters on the remixes and the first two being producers in Freestyle: Albert Cabrera, David Morales, and Danny Tenaglia. The Morales mix is quite festive especially at the 5:20 mark when you get that tidbit of Inner City’s “Big Fun” followed by a lyric not in the original: “Stop taking me down.”

My favorite track on the album was the last single released from the album, the Al Mack produced “Release The Pressure.” How can you not feel like you’re transpired into a film where the woman is struggling, breaking shit, cursing bitches out, lights a joint, a sip of wine, puts on her favorite 12” and gets her damn life. The production on this track has so many beautiful layers from the piano, to the horns, and guitars. It always felt like time froze whenever this track came on. The song was also featured on the soundtrack The 24 Hour Woman starring Rosie Perez. This is one of my forever tracks because it always remains true to this day: “You get up, It knocks you back down, Release the pressure, Let it out.”

The album itself pays homage to the 70’s and 80’s influence of staples in Disco, Funk and House which are very evident in: “Any Ole Love” (Indeep’s “Last Night A DJ Saved My Life”) and “Love You Can’t Deny” (Royal House “Can You Party”). The mellower affairs “It’s Crying Time” and “Every Now and Then” were so damn pretty that they seduced my young self who was anti anything slow.  The last original track on the album “Divine Love,” produced by the duo Masters At Work, transports you to Sunday mass everytime. That 5 minute mark is pure gospel ear candy with those luscious rhodes and ab libs take you on a journey to the ether. This felt like the sequel to “Rejoicing (I’ll Never Forget)” from her first album Blue Notes In The Basement. At this point in time I was severely struggling with my belief in God however this song just anoints you, especially the 9 minute MAW Version.

This album took me on a musical journey. It became my bible, my salvation, my healing. In the spring of 2001 my life took a huge turn. I had fallen in the love with a man in NYC whom I thought I’d be with forever. After a huge argument with my parents I finally said “fuck this shit I’m out!” Ultra’s lyrics rang in my head “Now I know you’re no good for me, Now I got to find a remedy,” my remedy: move to NYC. After settling into my then boyfriend’s apartment I would blast this album on volume 5000 and the whole damn planet would shake. I didn’t give a fuck about the neighbor downstairs because I was ‘Free’ and living my damn best gay life. I didn’t leave my heart in San Francisco that’s for damn sure!

In 2012, I had a full circle moment when I was hired by Naté’s management, Peace Bisquit. It was completely surreal to be in direct communication with her, and an honor working under the brilliance of Bill Coleman (remember Deee-Lite? “Groove Is In The Heart”? Nuff said.). I was bestowed the task of managing the execution of the Hero Worship album to digital platforms. Miss Naté was the most humble artist I ever worked with. A memory I will always hold dear is a tender moment we shared at  the Paradise Garage Reunion Party in 2014. The DJ began to play “The Whistle Song” in honor of the iconic Frankie Knuckles who had passed just months earlier. As the song played, Ultra began to cry. I put my arm around her and consoled her. The same way her music had done for me in all the years before.

Thank you for never giving up on your music Ultra because this album saved me!

“You might save someone’s life.” – Ultra Naté “Situation: Critical”

If you are experiencing or have experienced sexual abuse please call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline 800.656.HOPE (4673)

Giorgio Alxndr (He/Him) is into music, modeling, activism, and plant fathering. He creates beats and playlists in his free time. Loves deep conversations and therapy sessions. Professionally he’s always in the mix between music and technology.

[gladiatortale]

My DEPRESSION BEATING, fandom obsessing, shit-tastic FANTASTIC year in review!

TL;DR: I’m fixing my mental health and figuring out WHO THE FUCK I AM one fandom filled day at a time! Thank you to everyone who’s been there for me along the way. xoxo

what’s up HEATHENS.

stating the goddamn obvious here, it’s been a HELLUVA YEAR. One emotional rollercoaster after another but we’re ALMOST DONE. I know things aren’t gonna magically get better the second it flips to 00:01 on January first, but I’m excited to put this year behind me, and (SHOCKINGLY) a bit sad to see it go.

It was a year where the whole world completely stopped, we realized what is really important, what is really worth fighting for, and took a GODDAMN SECOND to just breathe.

For me personally, the year (which I’m counting off from November 1st) started out UNBELIEVABLY SHIT. I had just been kicked out of the country I called home for the last four years (thank you Brexit), I had ZERO job prospects, my depression was the WORST it had ever been, and I just didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And in the beginning, the pandemic felt like salt in the wound, an extra kick in the teeth to my early twenties that had already “failed to launch.”

But I tried to embrace the madness, really take advantage of the world (that I always thought moved to fast) properly slowing down, and take time to try and become myself again. I wanted to figure out what I loved and try and become a bit more like the person I was before my depression got so bad.

I often say I became that Manic Trash Planet Lady™ you see in sci-fi adventure films; a bit zany to say the least, with a million ideas and a very eclectic fashion sense, but embracing the insanity as it comes...

*cough cough* audrey, get to the goddamn point!

Right. lol. THE POINT IS! 

I’m not 100% “healed”, I’m not sure if I think depression is a “oh look you’re officially cured! hooray!” type of disease, but this year I let myself ENJOY SHIT for the first time in god knows how long. I still don’t know “wHaT i WaNt To dO WiTh mY LiFe”, but I’ve got a better idea and I’m heading in (what feels like) the right direction. And most of all, I can look back and say I am better than where I was a year ago.

So I wanted to say T H A N K Y O U to the mad lads on this website that introduced me to the fandoms, shows, movies, fics... THE SHIT that made me happy this year and were there to be one (BIG) piece in my healing journey.

AND SO, with out further rambling ADO! Here are the highlights of the year marked by my ridiculous hyper-fixations and OBSESSIONS. Thanks for putting up with me ya fiends, xoxox

November 2019  The Arcana (Visual Novel)

I had just gotten home and I was in a LOOOOOOW place. Randomly decided to download this app when it came up and it proceeded to ruin my life (and my bank account...) for pretty much the rest of the year. It was exactly what I needed to get me through a tough time and I was thoroughly, horse-blinders-up-to-the-rest-of-the-world, OBSESSED. These gorgeous magical fiends ruined me and all I could say was thank you.

Joined the fandom: November 2019 Obsession peaked: Late November Obsession faded: December 2019; I started a new job AND my bank statement came in and I realized I had accidentally spent over SIXTY BUCKS on this stupid app. No ragrets, but I definitely started to phase out at that point. Fandom friends: Velma, (@lanavxds on insta) miss you girlie xx Fanfics you NEED to read: ‘Second Mistake’ by DeathBelle on AO3, because DAAAAAYUM SON. Favourite moments: Basically the whole of the Julian arc. That gangly himbo OWNED my ass for a month.

December 2019 Hazbin Hotel (TV Series)

Y’ALL okay here me out. Am I proud of this one? No. Is the show crass as hell? OOOOOOOOHHHH YEAH. Did my angsty ass love it at the end of last year? DAMN STRAIGHT IT DID. Goes without saying, but this is NOT FOR EVERYBODY, but it definitely helped me along the way to becoming more comfortable with myself and being open about being the massive geek that I always was, and watching things I enjoy regardless of what people say about it.

Joined the fandom: December 2019 Obsession peaked: Shortly there after. Fandom friends: None. Dipped one toe in fandom discourse and then promptly YEETED the fuck outta there. Obsession faded: January 2019. Still curious to see the full series if A24 actually ever does produce the whole thing, but I have def moved away from it. Fanfics you NEED to read: Haven’t read any. Maybe I’m a pussy baby piece-o-shit, but I DID NOT want to go down that rabbit hole, NO MA’AM. Favourite moments:

Discovering the Hunicast podcast. These guys are a riot and Ashley is a flustered GEM. Even if you don’t watch the show, go watch an episode of these fucking LADS just dicking about and your day will get better.

Watching the first episode with my partner and watching him realize his girlfriend is a total freak.

January 2020 Lore Olympus (Webtoon Comic)

*Officially* discovered this one thanksgiving weekend in 2019, but my Arcana phase was still raging pretty strong at that point so I didn’t really get in to it until later. EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER NEEDS TO READ IT. It has everything and handles the reality sexual assault and it’s aftermath EXTREMELY well.

Joined the fandom: Late November 2019 Obsession peaked: January 2020 Fandom friends: KELLEY. MA GIRL XOXOXO Obsession faded: June-ish 2020. I’m like 10 chapters behind now, but I still love this story so much. Fanfics you NEED to read: SO MANY ON MY ‘MARKED FOR LATER’ LIST AAAAAH. I have to get to that... NEW YEARS RESOLUTION lol Favourite moments: Having a drunk conversation on New Years Eve in 2019 with one of my oldest friends from high school about how much she loved it too. Helped me see how popular fandom and fandoms, are especially after feeling like I needed to hide my enthusiasm through high school and uni. (THAT WAS A MISTAKE BUT I’LL GET THERE IN A MINUTE).

February 2020 Versailles (TV Series)

SO FUCKING GAY Y’ALL. Oh my god everyone in this show is so gay. Even when they’re not they still are a little bit. AND BEST OF ALL!! it’s very historically accurate (except for the demon satanic nonsense in season 3, what was that???)

Joined the fandom: February 2020 Obsession peaked: Like??? The SECOND I finished episode one. Fandom friends: none... WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU??? Obsession faded: March 2020. It was a fast and passionate love affair, what can I say? Fanfics you NEED to read: IF YOU HAVE RECS, GIVE ‘EM TO MEEEEE. Favourite moments: 

Showing the first episode to a friend of mine and the *ungodly GASP* that came out of her throat was... PRICELESS.

The ENTIRE throuple(???) relationship between the Chevalier, Philipe, and Palatine. PLATONIC/ ROMANTIC LOVE G O A L S.

March 2020 Yuri!!! On Ice (TV Series)

*deep breath* ...y’all knew this one was coming.

Was I ready for this show to ruin my fucking life? No.  Am I so glad it happened??? FUCK YEAH.

NEVER IN MY LIFE have I fallen off the deep end so quickly with a fandom. HOLY SHIT. This blog didn’t have much of an “identity” before, but I you said that this is a Yuri On Ice blog now I wouldn’t even be mad (nor could I really defend myself to the contrary... bc??? like??? just go LOOK at my archive). Craziest thing is I watched the first two episodes like?? a solid TWO YEARS ago, but I didn’t continue watching because I was just not in the right head space for all the love and silliness and positivity.

I could do a whole separate post about how much this show and how this fandom has changed my life (DON’T TEMPT ME I JUST MIGHT). But I’ll stick with the highlights for now ;)

Joined the fandom: March 2020  Obsession peaked: Has it peaked?? Went straight up and it still going lol Fandom friends: Sandra, my mentor, my queen @aeriamamaduck, my fandom ride-or-die. Thank you for taking this internet bby under your wing. RACHEL @idancewiththefairies I TRAPPED YOU HERE. MUAHAHAHA xxx Obsession faded: ON GOING. CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP. Fanfics you NEED to read: jfc, SO MANY.

‘Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches’ and ‘Of Bright Stars and Burning Hearts’ by Reiya @kazliin​ -- Rivals AU companion pieces. Longest fics I’ve ever read and JESUS CHRIST these two fucking SENT ME. Most popular YOI fics on AO3 for a REASON.

‘Tell Me Where Your Love Lies’ by @aeriamamaduck -- Royalty AU, trope-breaking ABO. Ah sweet, TMWYLL, how you’ve killed me over and over again. This BEAUTIFUL wip has SUCH amazing world-building idk where to start (Congrats on passing 50,000 hits!) EVERYONE GO READ IT.

‘Blackbird’ by sixpences -- WWII/Coldwar Spy Fic. I don’t have enough words to describe how amazing this is. It’s elevated to a higher plane beyond fanfic. Just go read it. Thank me later.

‘Zanka’ by rinsled05 @dreaming-fireflies -- The geisha fic that ruined me. *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH *gasp* I’m fine. lol I sooooo not ready for this fic. Holy hell, Aoyagi had my heart in his hands from the first chapter. “’Please’ [...] ‘Don’t give me hope.’“ FUUUUCK.

‘Echoes’ by Reiya @kazliin -- Future fic. First fic I cried at... BOI. I was NOT ready for this. Shouldn’t be surprised given the author, but MAN. “‘A love like that, a love like what they had together, it never leaves completely.’ Yuri spoke again, eyes still staring out onto the ice, lost in memory. ‘There are always echoes.’” JUST FUCK ME UP.

Favourite moments: Oh good lord, where do I begin??

Having two (count ‘em TWO) main characters with mental health issues (Yuuri and his anxiety and Victor with burn out and depression) and NOT MAKING IT THE ONLY ASPECT OF THEIR PERSONALITY. CLAPS FOR KUBO AND YAMAMOTO!!

Everything about Yurio (ESPECIALLY HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YUUKO AND HIS GRANDPA), that tsundere motherfucker is too pure for this world.

THE KISS. THE PROPOSAL. MY HEART WASN’T READY. AAAAAH!!

This fandom *properly* introducing me to smut on AO3...

Thinking I was going to get Rachel to like the show... NOT being prepared for her to fall off the deep end and START LIKING REAL SKATING TOO!!

Staying up waaaaaay too late waaaaaay too often to plan out plot points for TMWYLL with Sandra. Love ya dearie.

The warm fuzzy feeling I get every time I think about Victor and Yuuri.

April 2020 Bungou Stray Dogs (TV Series)

I had a hunch I was gonna like this show considering ALL of the characters are based off of famous classic authors from around the world... what I was NOT prepared for was just HOW MUCH I was going to love it. HOLY SHIT. The art style? Love it. The plot?? Bonkers, but so fun. THE VOICE CAST??? AMAZING. Highly recommend to anyone who wants to get in to anime, great place to start.

Joined the fandom: April 2020 Obsession peaked: Probably this summer? But we have DEF plateaued in a VERY high place. Fandom friends: FIJI. MA BOIIIII @lil-1nsane  Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Hope it doesn’t Fanfics you NEED to read: So so so many. The smut in this fandom is *chef’s kiss*, but here are a few...

‘He Works Hard For the Money’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019​ -- Sugar Daddy AU. FUCK MAN. I was not expecting to like this one, but bloody hell. This fic grabbed me by the throat and WOULD NOT let me go. Praying for chapter 16! But the author is working on another STELLAR fic so I’m okay for now.

‘Everything or Nothing’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019​ -- University AU. FUCK THIS FIC. Started reading it as I was waiting for HWHFTM to update and BOI, this fic ROCKS. The alternating POV fits so well with the enemies/idiots-to-lovers vibe. Solid 10 outta 10.

‘The City Where Wind Blows’ by @raven-rein​ -- Cancer Death fic. *pained shriek* AAAAAAGUUUUUUUHHHH *gasp* aaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, FUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK MEEEEE. THIS FIC. Only the second fic I’ve ever cried to but I BAWLED MY GODDAMN EYES OUT. FUUUUUUUCK. I was not ready, never would have been ready. This is so tremendously well done, it killed me so beautifully, 

‘Haunted by Hatred’ by DeathBelle -- Canon compliant Soukoku. It is a CRIME that DeathBelle doesn’t have more BSD fics on her page, but this one is still brilliant.

Favourite moments:

THE CHUUYA-DAZAI MAFIA REUNION TEAM UP WHEN THEY FIGHT LOVECRAFT. Ooof. BOI. We love it.

The first three episodes. Soooo many break neck plot twists.

Every insane hypothetical conversation with Fiji.

Every time Atsushi or Tanizaki is on screen bc I LOVE THESE LIL BEANS.

June 2020 Trash Taste (Podcast)

Goddamn I love these chaotic lads so much.

As I became more and more comfortable with myself and my love for anime I stumbled upon these three goons, -- Joey, Connor, and Garnt, -- best known for there SUPER successful (mostly) anime YouTube channels. Even if you don’t watch anime, WATCH/LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST. The focus is mostly on their lives and the overall expat/immigrant experience, with a bit of anecdotal anime references sprinkled in. 

This show is both wholesome and heathenous in equal measure, and after having lived abroad for a significant portion of my (admittedly still quite short) life, it was such a breath of fresh air to hear people talk so openly about how living outside your home country is both wonderful and terrifying. They’re wonderfully candid about the fact that even if you love a place dearly, no where is perfect, and you WILL hate somethings about your new home even if the majority of the experience is fantastic. I cannot rate this show highly enough.

Joined the fandom: June 5th 2020, loved it from the first episode. Obsession peaked: July maybe? I was RELIGIOUS about watching the episodes as soon as they came out. Still watch every week, but less “on time.” Fandom friends: None :( but I have tricked my partner in to listening several times :) Obsession faded: It’s dimmed from where it was, but still going strong. Fanfics you NEED to read: NONE. NEVER PLAN TO. Hard and fast rule, I don’t read fics about real people. Characters played by real people, even that’s a maybe for me. But real-real people? FUCK NO. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Any time Garnt and Connor get into a big-brain-monkey-brain argument and Joey is just LOSING his GODDAMN MIND in the corner.

Bringing a retired Japanese porn star in the show for an honest conversation about consensual sex work and showing people can have more than one career in life.

Everything about the, ‘Are Online Friends Real Friends?’ episode. GO WATCH IT, it’s brilliant.

Garnt making “chotto-THE-FUCKING-matte” an expression

August 2020 Great Pretender (TV Series)

Spent most of the summer marinating in my BSD and YOI bubbles, until THIS BAD BOI came up on my Netflix recommendations. HOOOO BOI. This is some Anime Of The Year shit right here. Has a pretty original concept (Catch Me If You Can by way of Oceans 11-ish) but generally starts out like most other shounen (sans the super powers). AND THEN EPISODE FIVE HAPPENS. Not gonna spoil it but they TOOK THAT SHIT UP A NOTCH. Brilliant, even with a bit of an insane ending. GO WATCH THIS ONE.

Joined the fandom: August 2020 Obsession peaked: Pretty much as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: What’s up Fiji ;) @lil-1nsane Obsession faded: Naturally faded, but so glad I watched Fanfics you NEED to read: None so far! Little scared about this one, heard mixed reviews, but maybe someday. Favourite moments:

Edamame’s “madness arc” at the end of season 2. HOOOO BOY.

Laurent getting fucking WRECKED when Edamame punches him mid way through season 2, kills me every time.

Introducing my partner to anime with this show.

October 2020 Attack on Titan (TV Series)

RETURN OF THE KING. lol

In my quest to find an anime that I can watch with my partner, I turned on season 1 of this bad boi. Holy hell I forgot how much I loved this show, NO WONDER everyone lost their goddamn minds when this show first aired. I NEED to catch up before all the season four spoilers come to get me...

Joined the fandom: Winter 2016 Obsession peaked: Basically as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: None yet, but I know you’re out there... Obsession faded: 2017, JUST BEFORE SEASON TWO... I should have stuck around longer I know, but it’s slowly coming back. Reeeeeally need to catch up on seasons two, three, and four. Fanfics you NEED to read: GIVE ME YOUR RECS HEATHENS. Favourite moments:

Watching my partner FREAK OUT about Eren’s “death.”

EVERYTHING ABOUT POTATO GORL! lol

Getting in a conversation with a die hard fan after I hadn’t watched it in three years and saying... “Who’s that blond bitch that cries all the time?”/ “Armin?”/ “THAT’S THE ONE!”

November 2020... kind of. Figure Skating (Sport)

Okay this one is a bit hard to explain. 

I have been a DIE HARD figure skating for A LOOOOOONG time. My grandmother got me a hat from the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City and I remember watching even then. But I first became consciously aware of different skaters, my faves, etc. from about 2010. I vividly remember watching Plushenko skating in 2014 while on a school trip to Hawaii, and my friends laughing at me as I yelled at the TV.

But I didn’t TRULY get involved in the fandom side of it until this year. I had all this knowledge bottled up, but didn’t have any skating friends to talk to... UNTIL NOW. Super ironic that this happened in a year with almost NO skating, but I’ll take what I can get ;) Also did I stay up until FOUR-GODDAMN-THIRTY IN THE MORNING a few nights ago to stream Japanese Nationals on my phone??? YOU BET I DID.

Joined the fandom: Three times; 2002, 2010, and 2020. Obsession peaked: 2014? 2018? Idk it peaks any time someone does something amazing. Fandom friends: Rachel, my girl @idancewiththefairies​, WHY DIDN’T I INTRODUCE YOU TO THIS SOONER??? Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Won’t. lol Fanfics you NEED to read: NOPE. NONE. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. No fanfics about real people. Never gonna change that. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir doing THAT routine at the 2018 Olympics.

Rachel​ sheepishly admitting to me that Shoma may have replaced Yuzu as her favourite, and me being SO DAMN PROUD of her for growing and developing her own skating opinions apart from me.

Yuzu’s 2012 ‘Romeo and Juliet’ routine and Worlds. THE RAW FUCKING POWER OF THAT SKATE.

Plushenko, cheeky bastard, changing his 2014 Team Event routine AS IT WAS HAPPENING.

The worlds friendliest rivalry between Yuzu and Nathan.

Any thing the Shibutani’s do, and all they do to break up the stereotype that all of Ice Dancing has to be rOmAnTiC and SeNsUaL to be good.

Watching my early faves become coaches and the D R A M A.

Honorable Mentions:

Coco (Film): I watched this the weekend I came home and I owe this movie a lot. It is so sweet an heartwarming, and it a roundabout way it brought me back to Tumblr (needed somewhere to vent my feelings considering I watched the movie a solid THREE YEARS after it came out, Tumblr seemed like the place to go lol). Watched in again in 2020 and it’s just as amazing.

Jekyll and Hyde (All media): Loved this book from the first time I read it in my first year of uni. But in December 2019, my fandom understanding reached its PEAK. The musical?? The comic?? YOOOOOO.

Dear Evan Hansen (Musical): I have BARELY engaged in fandom discourse, but the MUSIC. She fucking SLAPS.

Sirius the Jaeger (TV Series): This show is such an underrated gem. It literally has so much; "dead” family drama? Eclectic international group of monster hunters? Cowboys and vampires?? Yes, yes, and YES. And the main character has the same Japanese voice actor as Atsushi from BSD!

Studio Ghilbi (Films): My love affair with Ghibli goes back to when I was about 5 and BEGGED my mom to take me to the library so we could rent Kiki’s Delivery Service on DVD. But that love has been FULLY rejuvenated this year when I went to the Ghibli Film Festival in New York City (ironically in the last week in February). If you haven’t seen them, go watch From Up On Poppy Hill, Whisper of the Heart, and The Wind Rises. Spoilers, you’re probably gonna cry.

If you’ve made it this far, THANK YOU FOR READING! 

And thank you to all the amazing people that made my 2020 not so horrible. Good riddance 2020, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

[oceangenasi]

D&P and Merther for the shipping ask game???

Yax I would die for you except you’d probably stop me from dying with your EMT wizardry and then where would we be

🖤 D/P 💙

1. What made you ship it? I have eyes? But seriously, I like to joke about how my ships are either softboys and their badass women or queerbait m/m angst.... and then there’s this shining exception. A canon m/m ship that gets a love story and a happy ending :’’’) I started watching the show very casually, knowing David was queer but not that D/P was endgame and then the next thing I knew I had ascended to another plane of existence

2. What are your favorite things about the ship? I am never not thinking about the Dynamic... it’s the complementary aspects of their personalities for me!

You’ve got David: flamboyantly queer and deeply dramatic, who’s had intense emotions his whole life that have scared people away but he’s also brave and unique and creative and wonderful. He’s everything that Patrick didn’t know he needed. He’s been hurt a lot of times and he almost doesn’t believe that he’s capable of being loved so wholly and completely. Enter Patrick.

Patrick is so straight-laced and repressed and invested in being well-liked that he had built up a whole seemingly perfect life that was making him deeply unhappy. I don’t think that even Patrick knew he was capable of loving David the way he does, because he hadn’t cast off his old life and gone on that emotional journey until he met David. His “you make me feel right” speech is my favorite bit of the entire show. Patrick found himself in finding David.

They balance each other: Patrick grounds David, providing him the unconditional love that David can flourish with, and David brings beauty and color into Patrick’s life.

I also adore how much casual intimacy they get on screen, all the kisses and shoulder touches. It’s incredibly healing to watch after so much queer angst and suffering, when we get representation at all.

3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship? Yeah, Patrick’s not perfect. I get very pissy when people trash David for his actions surrounding the barbecue and/or the wedding and imply he was being unfair/selfish -- because even if he was, Patrick has a responsibility to communicate his concerns if he wants David to respond to them. Patrick has a tendency to avoid/repress his feelings and that can be incredibly damaging in a relationship if not addressed. David can’t read Patrick’s mind, nor should he be expected to. He doesn’t need to magically intuit Patrick’s distress from Patrick’s micro-expressions or whatever the fuck -- Patrick needs to step up and tell David when he doesn’t like David’s behavior. Yes, I’m projecting like hell when it comes to this but it is something that made me furious during season 6 and the discourse surrounding it.

------------

💙 Merthur ❤

1. What made you ship it? I watched the first episode and was like “oh wow this show is even gayer than I’d heard it was.” No but seriously... fellas, is it gay to be literally and canonically someone’s other half? Fellas, is it gay to stare intensely into each other’s eyes at every given opportunity? Fellas, it is gay to dedicate your entire life to serving and protecting someone? Fellas, is it--

2. What are your favorite things about the ship? ah jeez where do I even start... Arthur is Merlin’s whole world. Merlin’s magic is “only for Arthur” and Merlin’s magic is... everything he is. I literally don’t know how you could read that as Merlin not being in love with Arthur. I genuinely and honestly think this interpretation is backed up by commentary by the actors and writers: Merlin loves Arthur, and that’s not even a point of debate. I adore Merlin as a character (son boy baby sweetheart sunshine child) and his unwavering faith in Arthur, his dedication, his tenderness, the years spent protecting someone who didn’t even know how much Merlin had done for him.... it gets me good.

And then there’s what Merlin is to Arthur! Setting aside the stuff Arthur doesn’t know about, which I will talk about in a moment, Merlin is possibly the only person in Arthur’s life who has always, always treated him as a person first and a prince second. Merlin’s unwavering faith and freely given friendship are because he sees the best in Arthur, not because of Arthur’s hereditary right to the throne. Merlin is Arthur’s first and truest friend -- I know the knights and Gwen care for him, but there is a component of social discrepancy to their relationship that Merlin simply has ignored. Merlin’s disrespect is because he fundamentally views Arthur as his equal, which is a gift Arthur didn’t even know he needed. Arthur was touch-starved, emotionally repressed, and incredibly lonely before Merlin came into his life. (Yes, the similarities between my two OTPs are well-known to me.) Just because Arthur struggles to express his emotions (thanks, Uther) and doesn’t have the same plot opportunities as Merlin to show how much he’d sacrifice for Merlin, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love Merlin as deeply as Merlin does him. This is why I like writing Arthur POV so much -- I like describing how fundamental and immutable a concept Merlin is to him. He takes Merlin for granted, yes, because there is literally nobody else that he is so vulnerable around or trusts so completely. This is why the magic reveal was so temporarily devastating to Arthur -- it broke something he’d built his entire life around. Or at least, that’s what he thought.

3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

Canon is a trash fire and I hate a lot of things about season 5, because it had some stellar opportunities that got rushed and squished by the way they timed the plot.... but I actually really, really like the finale. I think that considering what they’d done with the plot up to that point, it was brilliantly executed and gorgeously acted. There wasn’t enough time to do everything I would have liked with the magic reveal*, but in the last episode they hit every one of my buttons at least once. Arthur witnessing a competent Merlin, Arthur experiencing realistic grief and anger but being able to see how deeply Merlin loves him... Setting aside the plotholes and the timing, the people who made the show realized what was critically important in the finale, and it was digging deep into the relationship between Merlin and Arthur. This is why it completely and totally wrecks me, incidentally, and why I can’t watch the last part of the episode because it actually unhinges me too much. I’m not joking, I went into some kind of grief spiral the first time I saw it that took me a literal week to recover from. I care about things too much and feel my feelings too intensely, but we been knew.

Oh, and an even spicier opinion on later seasons/the finale: I don’t think that Morgana “isn’t really evil” or that her fall was “unnecessary.” I think that Morgana was indeed capable of being a fiercely good and loving person, but I also think that people with the kind of anger she carries can be dragged into some very dark places. I don’t think it was unrealistic, I think it was painful to watch, and there’s a difference. She didn’t get the support she needed -- she was gaslighted, manipulated, and tortured -- and I think that the same person who could be good in another situation is absolutely capable of becoming monstrous, considering the hand she was dealt. I have very similar opinions on her as I do on Anakin Skywalker, which is to say: her evil was both believable and tragic. She was a product of her circumstances, but her actions are not excusable, and she is responsible for how she responded to her trauma.

*I can and will read every damn magic reveal on ao3 because it’s really important to me that Arthur understand what Merlin has done for him. Truly, truly conceptualizes how crucial Merlin has been in helping him build his kingdom. That’s the one thing that I wanted to see so badly that never happened in canon.

[marmolady]

Pride

Book/Series: Endless Summer

Main Pairings: Diego x Varyyn, Estela x MC

Summary: (Endless Ending– set after my longer fic, ‘Broken Chains’, if you’ve not read it, assume a happy ending).  Surrounded by a barrier of friends, Varyyn joins Diego as they march in their very first Pride parade.

Word Count: 1588

Tagging:   @saivilo, @edgydepressedchoicesthot, @sceptilemasterr,  @greengroove

Reviews and reblogs are hugely appreciated!

Cloaked in a dark hood, at odds with the popping attire of near everyone around him, Varyyn was wide-eyed with fascination as he stepped out of the Northbridge train station, Diego at his side. The streets were awash with colour, hues that were draped over countless flags, banners, even the skin of revelers.

Diego grasped his husband’s hand tightly. He was awash with emotion; anxiety at having Varyyn surrounded by so many people, but more than that, a feeling of belonging that he’d craved for as long as he could remember.

“This is it, Varyyn,” he uttered hoarsely. “Happy Pride!”

“I am always proud to be with you, my love.”

Taylor was grinning like an idiot-- for her, too, this was a first, as it was for Estela with whom her fingers were entwined. “We’ve got this, Diego, the rest of us should be enough of a barrier to stop anyone from looking at you two too closely.”

Giving his best friend a warm smile, Diego nodded. That he’d been touched to have ten friends putting themselves out there to give him the kind of Pride experience he’d wistfully imagined was an understatement. They had his back. “Yeah, we got this.”

He looked around. Friends surrounded him on all sides, dressed in their colours or else proudly wearing ‘ally’ pins. To think he’d felt so alone before--

“Hey!” Craig exclaimed, “If anyone gets to close to our V-Dog, I can pull off a killer diversion. I’ve been practising my moves for weeks…”

“It’s been fucking torture to watch,” Zahra said. “But, yeah, your dancing will scare anyone off, I’ll give you that.”

As they marched on with the parade, the smile on Estela’s face just grew broader. She’d never had a chance to do anything like this in San Trobida, and probably she’d have steered clear of all the fuss anyway. Since returning from La Huerta, her sexuality, the identity that came with it, meant a whole lot more. On La Huerta, no one gave a damn, and she hadn’t bothered herself with labels. Today,though, her wrist was adorned with a pink, yellow and blue bracelet.

“I didn’t know you identified as pansexual?” Quinn queried warmly. When they’d discussed these things previously, Estela had always been vague-- which had always been accepted without hesitation; but it seemed something had changed.

Estela nodded. “I didn’t think I wanted a label, but then I thought… words have power. They can make you visible. I like who I am, how I love; a lot of people where I’m from struggle with that because for so long they had to hide. Visibility is important.”

“That’s my wife! Fighting the good fight and making the world less shit, one PDA at a time.” Taylor jumped to give Estela an enormous smooch, delighting in the happy squirm she caused.

“So, uh,” Estela tried to continue, whilst her love continued to pepper her face and neck with kisses, “basically, I just… find some people attractive. And I don’t think it would have mattered if Taylor was a guy or a girl or both or neither. She’s my person. It was a weird feeling, like something deep inside me knew.”

“Aw, ‘Stel!” Taylor gushed. “As for me? Basically, I’m gay as the day is long. Useless Lesbian: Alien Edition.”

“Yeah, no shit, Sherlock,” Zahra scoffed. “You’re a walking fucking stereotype. If there were U-Hauls on La Huerta, maybe you wouldn’t have even needed to get hitched after what… how many weeks? Three? Four?”

Diego was quick to swoop to his friend’s defence. “Hey! La Huerta rules apply! Way too much wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff to untangle.”

Quinn smiled warmly. It wasn’t the first time she’d been to one of these events, nor even the third or fourth, but to be surrounded by the friends who’d become her family made for a very different experience. She was not alone, dodging pitying whispers while she tried to embrace a side of herself that was so much more than ‘the dying girl’. And now, she had Michelle.

“Life can be over so fast; if you care for someone, there’s no shame in putting yourself out there and showing it.” She gave Michelle’s hand a squeeze, and they exchanged an affectionate glance. “Being trapped at the end of the world can do a lot to put things in perspective. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m living without regrets. Who I am is who I am; and that includes the pieces I wished I could hide from.”

Grace looked to her friend with admiration. “That’s very brave, Quinn. Sometimes accepting yourself can be the hardest thing.” Especially when the people you love can’t look at the true you and do the same. “Honestly, you’ve helped me a lot.”

Walking beside Diego, Varyyn was beginning to see why they called it ‘Pride’; he could feel it emanating from his husband, creating a warmth that had nothing to do with the sun beating down. And the smile on Diego’s face? Varyyn was sure he’d not ever seen anything quite so beautiful. Though careful not to peer to far out from his hood, he took the time to look over each of the different coloured flags and ask about each one. A young woman jogged past, wearing a cape of black, grey, white and purple-- the same design that was plastered across Raj’s shirt.

“Raj,” he queried, “ I believe Diego told me about your colours. It is for… ‘ace’? For no romantic partners?”

“You got it! Basically, I get all the love I need from my bros. I never really felt like anything was missing, you know?”

“I understand. It’s not something my people have a word for, though I know several friends who have always felt the way you do,” he said, thoughtfully. “So much of this we don’t have words for; we just… be. I appreciate your sharing with me. And I am very grateful to be one of your bros.”

The whole experience was vastly different to anything that could exist among the Vaanti. Sexuality and gender was of so little consequence; there had never been much weight put on words and labels, there were no expectations that it be necessary. By the generally agreed upon human terms, Varyyn supposed he might call himself ‘pansexual’ as Estela did. The rainbow flag, though, was his favourite. In it he saw the jubilation of making it through a storm to something beautiful. Appropriate it was, that it meant so much to Diego, as he stepped out unafraid and loved. Varyyn looked at Diego, his husband, the love of his life; surrounded by a wall of friends, laughing on Taylor’s shoulder. He was truly radiant.

Varyyn put a hand on Raj’s shoulder. “Could I ask a great favour of you?”

“A personal favour for the elyyshar of the Vaanti? I think I can swing that….”

Taylor was chuckling as she ruffled her best friend’s hair. “So, how is it? Everything you dreamed of-- if you’d even dreamed you’d have the Knights’ bi legend Sean Gayle as part of your pride posse?”

“Pretty sure Past Diego would think you’d hit your head too hard if you’d tried to tell him this was coming. I mean, the time travel, the monsters, my best friend being some sort of knockoff ET, are unbelievable enough, but these kind of squad goals…? I…” Suddenly, he found himself choking up. If it was a life-altering adventure, he’d got it. What was left at the end of it was something that could never be truly grasped by outsiders, some bond, sacred even, that had helped him find his own strength. As he struggled to come to grips with the tatters that remained of his family life, it was that strength that would keep him afloat, and that bond that would see his heart start to heal. “I… didn’t think this feeling was possible for me.”

And Taylor hugged him tight. “You’d better get used to it, because you’re stuck with us. You deserve this. Just for being you… and also for being the world’s best wingman. The best thing that ever happened to me happened because you helped me believe in taking a leap. Diego Soto, I will never not owe you one,” she laughed.”So, for my next trick, I will pass you off to someone who wants his arms around you even more than I do. You’re welcome.

With a wink, Taylor spun Diego into Varyyn’s waiting arms, which draped an enormous rainbow flag around the two of them.

“My love,” Varyyn crooned,  “you bring my world more beauty than I believed possible. You showed me hope and light in my darkest hour. Diego, you are my rainbow.”

Cloaked in a fluttering of multicoloured fabric, they kissed, long and tender; the pounding of music and marching, the chants of ‘Variego!’ fading far into the background, beyond their own private euphoric celebration.

Varyyn came away slowly, his expression warm as he stared into a look of fierce affection. How could he ever have dreamed what had been held in store for him, when this lion-hearted storyteller was beyond anything Vaanu had yet shown him. A whispered ‘I love you’ from his beloved Diego set his heart, once again, all aflutter, dancing like the rainbow flag around their heads. “And I love you.”He quirked an eyebrow. “Best Pride ever?”

Diego gave a short laugh and pecked a kiss to his love’s gentle lips. “Best Pride ever.”

[rome5683]

My Secret Mate - Chapter Three

My body was warm all over. I squeezed them tighter to me, savoring the feeling it gave me to feel them against me. It was peaceful, and exciting at the same time. I groggily opened my eyes as I smelled something too delectable that caused a stir in my loins. My breath hitched, seeing his neck right against my lips. His scent was so amazing to me. I could feel my inner wolf stir, Mate. Mark him. He's ready, he's here. Just for us.

Mate or not, he's not our property. He should choose when to be marked, and when to take the next step in being mated. Calm down, Sirius. I took a deep breath, trying to soothe myself back into sleep. But I was suddenly aware of everything about Seth's body pressed into mine, so I got up. I regretted it the minute I got up, because the cold replacing him was blunt.

I ran a hand through my hair, and suddenly winced at the small headache that I felt in the back of my head. It wasn't that bad. As a werewolf, I had supernatural healing and it would go away very soon, which was also why I wasn't that drunk last night. But when Seth woke up, it would probably hurt him a lot more. I could feel Sirius frown at the idea of him in pain.

Protect him, help him. Help mate. I agreed, and walked downstairs. I was surprised to see the house wasn't that much of a mess. I walked into the living room to see Monsè picking up some cups here and there, and I could hear Lance cleaning in the kitchen.

"Hey, what happened after I went to bed?"

She gave me a hesitant face, almost as if contemplating what to say. "Well, Trent got super drunk and came onto Lindsay, which got him a painful shove. Then Bella got super sad and tried to get me to help her look for you, but then I saw you with... that guy."

My eyes widened, "Oh. Yeah, um, he's... wait, what exactly did you see?"

Her face reddened, looking away. "Well, I saw you guys kissing, and I immediately closed the door."

I blushed, feeling embarrassed about her seeing me that way. "Um, well. Did Bella see-"

"Are you gay?" Her question knocked me off balance, and I considered it for a second. Was I? I certainly wasn't attracted to anyone else anymore, but I still could appreciate women's bodies, as well as appreciate men's.

I shrugged, looking forwards the floor, "I think I'm bisexual. I don't know, everyone always assumes straight is the default. I guess, I assumed that too. But when I think about it... men can be attractive to me too."

I looked up to her nodding and going back to cleaning, and raised an eyebrow. "You don't care?"

She rolled her eyes, "Why should I? I only asked because I was curious why you'd make out with some random guy instead of Bella. And even though we're supposed to be super social as werewolves or whatever, you're not always one to go out of your comfort zone-"

"He's my mate."

She looked at me like a deer caught in headlights, showing how the new information was shocking. But then her face went back to its neutral expression, "Oh. That makes sense." Then her eyes widened, "Wait. Your mate's human?"

I nodded, "Yeah."

She winced, "Oof. I wouldn't wanna be you."

I frowned, a growl building up in my throat. "My mate is perfect for me, human or not."

She shook her head, "That's not what I meant. You're gonna have to mark him, and then that'll turn him, and make him go into heat if he hasn’t already. That's a lot of pain to go through for the both of you, especially the turning part."

This piece of information hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered the first time I heard about it from the other wolves' gossip, about how one of the human mates had been going through the change and was in so much pain. I guess I was too confident about having a werewolf mate, that I forgot about what it meant to have a human mate.

I tried not to think about it as I went to the kitchen to get two cups of water. Lance raised an eyebrow at me as I entered, "So, your mate's a human guy?"

I hesitated, wondering where this was going. "Yeah, last time I checked."

"That's cool. So, he likes you back and everything. I mean, you guys kissed so that must mean he likes you."

I nodded, feeling a little sheepish. "Well, I hope so. We did talk a lot too so..."

He huffed, "Okay. Well, I have a friend..."

I tried to restrain my grin, and he rolled his eyes at me. "It's not me."

I withheld my laugh, feigning that I believed him as I nodded for him to continue.

"And this friend... he kissed his friend, a guy. But now his friend has been ignoring him... and my friend doesn't know why. I think it's cause my friend usually plays around a lot with girls, but maybe his friend doesn't like him the same way?"

I thought for a second, thinking how complicated it must be for him and Keith. "Sounds complicated. Maybe they should have a deep talk? Get everything off their chests."

Lance nodded, going back to washing the dishes while lost in thought. I filled two glasses with water before going back upstairs. I walked back into my room to see Seth on the phone, and I handed him his glass of water.

He looked up, his face still looking amazing with exhaustion tracing his features. His blush was entertaining to see, and I grinned.

"Mornin', beautiful."

He shook his head slightly as he drank his water, groaning. "That alcohol hit me hard."

I shrugged, "You weren't exactly super drunk, though."

"I don't get crazy, or anything. But the hangover is regrettable..."

"Oh." I went over to my bathroom, getting him some Tylenol from my mirror's cabinet. I walked over, feeling glad to be able to help his headache. "Here. It'll help."

Seth nodded, drinking the tablet down with water. I went over to my bedside table, grabbing my phone and checking the time. It was already ten in the morning, which was pretty late considering I woke up extra early everyday for school. "Any plans for today?"

He shook his head, "Not really, it is a Saturday. I was planning to stay at home and watch Netflix for the majority of it. Luckily, my mom's away on business, so she can't freak out about me being away last night."

"But your curfew-"

"I was just supposed to call her when I got home.”

"That's good, I guess. Wanna stay for breakfast?" I went to my closet, taking off my clothes from last night.

"Ye-Yeah. I don't really have much else to do..."

I pulled on some black joggers and a white tee. I pulled off my earrings, necklaces, and rings on my small jewelry stand. I glanced in the mirror, hoping my appearance was okay. I suddenly heard a loud heartbeat, and I looked over to see Seth's reddened face and wide eyes that were scanning me up and down.

I couldn't help the pride that came over myself when I saw the effect I had on him, "You okay?

He nodded, taking a deep breath. "Yeah. Um, I just couldn't help but notice you have a lot of defined... structure in your body."

I shrugged with a coy smile, sitting on the bed next to him, "I guess it's the genes."

"Mm." He bit his lip, and shook his head. "So, about last night-"

Monsè burst through the door, "MOM'S ALMOST HOME!" She ran over to me and Seth, dragging us by the hand to the living room. "YOU GUYS ARE HELPING!"

I nodded with a small gulp, suddenly remembering how much Monsè could be as scary as Mom sometimes. Seth got a broom out as I picked up the bigger pieces of trash on the floor, and when we were done with that, we cleaned the furniture for stains and crumbs of food. Monsè tidied up and re-arranged everything back to how it was, like the decor in the living room and the kitchen, as well as the photos in the hallway. Lance and I placed the audio and lights system in the garage, deciding it'd go there until Lindsay would come pick it up. I fell on the couch, sighing in exhaustion after an hour of cleaning. I could hear Seth and Monsè in the kitchen, making small talk as they both cooked breakfast. Lance sat beside me, "So does sex with a guy feel better than when it's with a girl?"

I sighed, feeling a sliver of offense and amusement at my brother's stupidity. "Have you even had sex with a girl?"

"Well-"

"Nope. You haven't. Because if you did, you wouldn't ask such a stupid question, Lance."

"Why is it stupid? It's a legitimate question-"

I felt exasperated, "Dude, I don't know. I haven't had sex with either gender, and I don't plan to have sex in general unless my mate says he'd like to."

"But, didn't he spend the night-"

"Which meant nothing. He stayed the night, and we slept. Literally. He's a human, remember? Most humans don't just sleep with someone right after meeting them, mates or not."

"Uh, I feel like that's not entirely true-"

"Lance." I gave him a deadpanned stare, "I really can't talk about this right now."

He gave me a knowing smile, "Sirius acting up?"

I cursed, hearing my wolf howl at the idea of mating Seth. "Like no tomorrow."

If you really cared about our mate, Sirius, you'd wait until he was ready.

I'm just excited. Leave me be.

You first.

"Yeah, I get you. Landon just loses his shit every birthday that gets closer to finding our mate."

I huffed, "You'll find them soon. Just, don't get too caught up in other people, it could just complicate stuff.

"Like you and Bella?"

I frowned, thinking how she might feel now. I did give her false hope, but hopefully she would take it well. "Yeah. I mean, I don't have feelings, but I know she does. I don't wanna hurt her."

"Seems a little late for that."

The smell of bacon drifted in the air, and my stomach growled. Lance sniffed the air with a groan, "Damn. That smells amazing."

I nodded in agreement as we both got up and walked towards the kitchen. I saw Seth slightly swaying back and forth on the stool as he ate a plate of egg, hash browns, pancakes, and bacon. There were two other plates awaiting on the island, Lance and I sat eagerly as Monsè served herself some milk in a cup.

Seth poured syrup on his pancakes, "Thanks for having me for breakfast, guys."

We all nodded, Monsè poured us cups of milk as she spoke. "What are mates for?"

I glared at her as Seth raised an eyebrow, "Mate?"

Monsè and Lance shared a smirk as she continued, "Yeah, you know. Friends, pals, buddies..."

I seethed, and interrupted quickly, "So what does your mom work in?"

He looked to me, "Oh. She's a social worker. Sometimes she goes to different counties which makes me have the house to myself."

Lance grinned, "Must be fun. You ever throw parties?"

He shook his head with an amused smile, "Not really, I just like to watch Netflix and read books.”

I took another bite of my bacon strip, "I don't usually throw parties but, I figured it'd be cool to have one big one for the special eighteen, you know?"

He nodded, I continued, "When's your birthday, Seth?"

He sipped at his milk, "May."

I was stumped for a second, "Wait. Doesn't that mean you should be-"

"I should've graduated, yeah. I was..." His cheeks reddened, "Held back. Unfairly, might I add."

I chuckled, "What happened?"

My siblings gave him an expectant look, and Seth sighed. "Okay, but you can't laugh."

"Alright."

"So, I was in fifth grade, and on the day of the state test, I got super sick and had an urge to vomit all the time. But it was, like, state tests so I had to go, and when I finished the test, I vomited all over the tests. It was the holes you fill in with bubbles so..."

Monsè gasped, "No."

Lance and I groaned in unison at the embarrassment of it.

"Then, the school and my mom decided I should redo the year over so I can take the test again- which sucked- but it's whatever."

"At least we got to meet."

He looked up, a blush rising to his cheeks. "Yeah, I guess. Listen, I need to talk to you-"

The lock clicked, and everyone but Seth turned to the front door from the kitchen. We could hear them muttering, and I laughed at one of their comments that I could make out.

"It smells like teen desperation in here."

Seth looked at me confused, and I shook my head.

Monsè whacked the back of my head and I winced, pointedly glaring at her. Her loud and scolding voice rang in my head, ‘Could you be any more obvious?’

"Ooh, it smells delicious-" My mom stared with wide eyes at Seth, she hadn't been able to smell him due to the other smells lingering in the house from the party no doubt, and was certainly surprised. She looked at me with a raised eyebrow, "It's okay I'm confused, right? Who is this? You didn't tell me someone was sleeping over."

My father followed in right after, looking at all of us with a confused gaze. "Um, what's going on?"

I scratched the back of my neck, "Mom. Dad, this is my ma-"

Seth interrupted, standing up and extending his hand. "Friend. Seth Truman." His nervous chuckle rang in my mind as I gave him a questioning glance, and even Monsè and Lance looked at me confused. What did he think I would say? Why did it matter? I wondered how much longer I would have to court him in a human way... "Sorry to barge in. I kind of crashed after the party last night."

My mom practically gushed, and looked at me while questioning me through the mind link. ‘Is this your mate?’

I nodded, scratching my neck in slight embarrassment. It wasn't that I was embarrassed of him, hell no. It's just that my mom was very sweet and open, that she was obviously adored with my mate as well, and that she might embarrass me. Who wouldn't be?

"Oh, it's no trouble at all. We're happy to accommodate you." My dad smirked at him from behind my mom as he spoke, and I shook my head in annoyance. My dad gave me a raised brow and I rolled my eyes at his smug expression.

"Ah." Seth chuckled nervously, "Thanks. Your daughter is really good at cooking."

Monsè smirked, and my mom smiled.

"Yeah, she's really big on cooking." I gave him my most charming grin, and he avoided my eyes with a small blush forming on his cheeks. "How about you?"

He looked at Monsè, "So do you always make pancakes from scratch?"

I scowled, and I could hear Sirius whimper in the back of my head. My jaw clenched, and I didn't know whether to be angry or sad. He was sending me mixed signals, and I didn't want that: just tell me everything clearly for fuck's sake. I didn't want to let my anger cloud my judgement, but I also wanted to give him the cold shoulder if he was going to do the same to me.

My mom's hands massaged my shoulders, and I couldn't help but feel calm and relaxed at the notion. I placed my hand over hers and squeezed it, thanking her for the help. My dad was next to us too, hugging her from behind and resting his head on her shoulder. I looked up and smiled softly, talking with them through the mind link, ‘Thanks.’

‘Of course, darling.’

Seth stood up from the barstool, "It was nice for you guys to have me, but I really should be heading home now."

"I'll drive you." I say as I stand up abruptly, and he was about to protest until my sister just patted his shoulder and shook her head. She knew damn well I was too stubborn. He nodded, understanding what she meant.

I took another bite of my plate and told Monsè to save it for me before going upstairs to get a hoodie and my shoes. I came back down in a hurry, and grabbed the keys beside the door, "Seth!"

He came from the hallway after I heard him say his goodbyes to my family, and I opened the door for him chivalrously.

We got in the truck, and I sighed as I sat down. I tried not to glance at him while I made sure the mirrors were okay, and I put on my seatbelt after starting the car. I was hoping to make conversation, so I left the radio off as I pulled out of the driveway. Seth looked out of the window and rested his chin on his hand, and I laughed mentally when I remembered that he'd have to give me his address. I could just drive around until he decided to speak up, and it'd be hilarious. I turned left, and went towards my favorite burger joint.

I glanced at him before speaking up, "So, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

I pulled into the burger joint's drive-thru line, awaiting for my turn, and he sighed. "Okay. So about last night, what we did-"

"Was amazing." I smirked at him as I remembered the feeling of his body against mine while we slept. His lips were really nice too.

"It was a mistake." Seth twiddled his thumbs, and I felt a breath escape me. What was he saying? "Look, you're really nice and everything. But I know you and a girl named Bella have something going on, and... I don't want to be caught in the middle."

I cursed inwardly. I couldn't believe I would mess something up like this, and I wondered why I messed with Bella in the first place. Oh, because I didn't want a mate. Well, I changed my mind. I liked him, the feeling of him with me was amazing. I was keeping him, end of story.

"Bella and I were never even together." I pulled up in line, almost close to the order section. "So we messed around a couple times, it meant nothing."

"Maybe to you, but it means a lot to her." He scoffed, and I suddenly realized something.

"Wait, how do you even know this?"

He looked away before cursing under his breath.

"Did my sister-"

"No. Last night, I could see the way she looked at you." I narrowed my eyes, knowing he was keeping something from me. "Fine. I overheard you and Lance talking."

"Oh." I tensed up, then relaxed when predicting it was probably the last part of the conversation since he wasn't concerned about the other parts. "What I said still stands."

"But it didn't mean anything! It was just a drunken kiss-" I interrupted his exasperated rant.

"Not for me." I gave him a hardened stare, clenching my jaw in determination. "I like you, okay? And I want to get to know you."

He looked shocked, and sat back in his seat as he thought to himself. I awkwardly pulled up to the order section of the drive-thru, and asked for two milkshakes.

"I'd like strawberry, please."

I nodded, changing Seth's to strawberry, and made mine Oreo. It was only seven bucks, and was well worth it. I parked in the lot outside and Seth raised a curious brow, "Why aren't you driving me home?"

"I don't really feel like it." I grinned, feeling amused now. Had he noticed yet?

"What are you talking about? You said you would." He furrowed his brows, starting to look angry. I shrugged, nonchalant.

"I changed my mind." He was about to protest when I chuckled, "I'm kidding. You never gave me your address."

"Ohhh." He blushed, embarrassed and I chuckled again.

"It's okay." I tossed him my phone, "Just type it in."

He sipped noisily while typing it in, blushing as I gazed at him while sipping my own drink. It was tasty, but all I could think of was how I woke up next to him in bliss. He handed the phone back to me, and I memorized the route there before placing it in the middle. It wasn't that far, and I parked in his driveway no later than ten minutes.

He ran his hand through his hair with a sigh as I shifted the gear into park. He silently got out of the car, and I wondered for a moment if I should let him go like this. I could hear Sirius whimpering, and I decided I couldn't just leave it like this.

I got out of the car in a hurry, and he looked at me in surprise in front of his door. I scratched the back of my neck in anxiousness, "So about earlier..."

"I can't." Seth held the bridge of his nose, seemingly frustrated. I looked at him, feeling confused.

"Well, why not?"

He groaned, "What part of it being meaningless don't you understand?"

"What part of this," I grabbed his hand and placed it on my chest, feeling the same sparks from last night, from every time I've ever touched him, all over again, "do you not understand? I know you feel it too."

He looked conflicted, his eyes shutting as if in concentration as his body reacted to my subtle touch. My thumb rubbed across the back of his palm, and he huffed at me with a glare. I knew I looked desperate, but I couldn't help it. At first, I thought having a mate would be disastrous and painful. Being forced to be with someone, like some Neanderthal from the 1800s, or something. But then I saw that it wasn't really forced, and that it was a real connection.

"We have something. Don't deny it." His hand slowly became a fist against my chest, but I still held it there as I gazed at him. I silently whispered, "Please."

Seth's eyes met mine, searching for what, I have no idea. He was about to speak when a voice interrupted, somewhat smooth and high-pitched.

"Babe!" His hand quickly retracted from mine, and we both looked towards the sidewalk in front of his house. "Hey, I left you tons of messages. We were supposed to hang out this morning, remember?"

My wolf growled as I observed her, suddenly seeing an obstacle to his mate. She was a little shorter than Seth, with long black and wavy hair. She was slim, with average sized assets. Her face was heart shaped, with pretty red lips that complimented her pale skin and her eyes were big with brown doe-like eyes. She was pretty.

As she embraced him, he gave me a guilty expression while he hugged her back from the waist. My eyes widened as I realized what must've been obvious by now. Seth had a girlfriend.

"Oh fuck."

She looked up at me in confusion, and Seth visibly paled. I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me, my emotions becoming numb as one ruled above the others; anger.

"I can't believe this..." I shook my head, murmuring to myself as I was almost seething at this point. "Motherfucker..."

"Can't believe what?" Her question had an edge, and I felt like a deer caught in headlights. I immediately turned on my charm, chuckling as I pretended to be bashful.

"How pretty you are. I mean, who thought Seth would have such a hot friend?"

Her eyes widened, and I laughed again before speaking up again.

"Oh, wow. How rude of me," I grinned mischievously as I extended my hand out to her, "My name's Xavier, with an X."

She smiled, her eyes still somewhat confused as she placed her hand in mine. I brought it up to my mouth, placing a ginger kiss on the back of her palm while she blushed. I could feel Seth's glare, but I kept my gaze trained on her as I let go of her hand. This is what I get for actually liking my mate. I should've rejected him from the start. God, I want to forget ever meeting this bastard. This hot bastard...

She chuckled, nervous, "My name is Cassie. It's nice to meet you."

"I assume you're single." I bit my lip with a smile, coyly crossing my arms to flex my muscles. Yes, I was being a douche on purpose.

"Oh." She laughed again at my flattery, "No. Seth here is actually my boyfriend."

I laughed back, still focused on her while I could see Seth's jaw clench from my peripheral view. "Oh. Yeah, I was hoping not."

I narrowed my eyes at Seth with a scowl. Cassie raised an eyebrow, and I shrugged as I grew a grin again.

"You know, because you're pretty."

"How do you know my boyfriend again?" She shook her head with a scoff, but still smirked.

"He went to my party last night. I had to let him crash at my place because he got a little rowdy, to say the least." I smirked back, and she looked at him with a questioning expression. He guiltily smiled, and she chuckled. "Then I drove him home after a nice breakfast. So, yeah."

She smiled again, "Well, thanks for that. I really appreciate you taking care of him."

"Yeah." I scoffed at the unknown innuendo she just made, and I laughed sarcastically. "Yeah, I took care of him. He was practically all over me too."

She gasped and Seth cursed under his breath.

"Seth, I didn't know you got that drunk." She pressed her hand up to his forehead, "Do you have a headache?"

He shook his head, smiling the fakest smile I've ever seen, and glanced at me nervously. I nodded while scolding myself, practically wanting to die right then and there.

"Well," I clapped my hands together, "I gotta get going. It was nice meeting you, Cassie," I extended my hand out and shook hers gently, then patted Seth on the shoulder roughly. "And it was good hanging out with you last night, Seth."

He nodded, his smile more like a grimace. I turned, feeling defeated before I came up with an idea suddenly.

"Hey, Seth!" Both he and his girlfriend turned around, Cassie curious and Seth panicking. I smirked, "Don't forget about our study session this Monday!"

She looked up at him, no doubt wondering what I meant, and he raised an eyebrow at me. I smiled, "You said you'd help me with History at my house after school this Monday, remember?"

I didn't have history.

Seth made a surprised expression before quickly giving me a thumbs-up. He then took his girlfriend by the waist, and turned her towards the front door while he discreetly gave me the finger. I laughed sarcastically to myself before opening my car door and sitting down in my seat. I turned the radio to my favorite station, and drove home.

The minute my bedroom door closed behind me, I exhaled heavily. The weight in my chest was so heavy. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I wondered if my family would ask me what was wrong if I cried. Luckily, I'd managed to avoid them as I stomped up to my room, but no doubt they already knew something was up.

I went into the bathroom, turning on the shower on it's heaviest. I took a deep breath as I looked myself in the mirror, trying to calm down, but I could feel the familiar sensation of my eyes tearing up. I clenched my fists as I choked up, and the sob broke out before I could stop it. I grit my teeth to try to stop it, sniffling while my hot tears were flowing now, but it didn't work.

This whole situation brought up things I'd rather forget. But I couldn't, no matter what I did, they stayed with me.

I had walked up to him during recess, smiling, 'Hey, why didn't you come over the other day?'

His eyes were hardened, and his mouth turned upwards in a scowl before he spat out the words I remembered all too well.

'Why do you care so much?'

I was about to respond, but he had already said the worst part.

'What are you? Gay?'

I shivered now as I did back then, exhaling deep as to not induce another sobbing fit. But right now, it was already too late, I was crying and I couldn't stop it.

I shivered now as I did back then, exhaling deep as to not induce another sobbing fit. But right now, it was already too late, I was crying and I couldn't stop it.

He was another closeted male, except this time it was worse. He was my mate, my soulmate, and he had a girlfriend. I cursed the moon goddess, hoping I'd get smite down to avoid the pain of this. Unfortunately, the pain never went away.

It had already been an hour, and I heard my cellphone ring in my back pocket. It was Bella. I debated what to do, and Sirius practically screamed at the notion. I shook my head as I answered it.

"Hey."

———

The full story below:

[ryttu3k]

Working out this little coterie! (Bloodlines and Night Road protags, plus a handful of others.) Present-day (we’ll call it 2021, for the sake of dates) San Francisco. Subject to change, probably!

Sierra Torres

Gangrel. Embraced 2004, apparent age 23, current age 40. Unknown sire.

Bloodlines protagonist. Had a rough upbringing, ended up in the foster system with her older brother. One of her longer-term foster homes got her interested in the environment, and as she grew older, she got heavily into environmental activism (and has definitely chained herself to at least one bulldozer). Went to college to study ecology, but found she wasn’t the most studious and ended up dropping out, drifting around LA and working odd jobs.

Was Embraced by a guy she met at a protest against logging (at night, obviously), and, well, plot happened. (Much to her irritation. She’s mostly gay, teeny bit bicurious, but damn the one time she hooks up with a guy...)

Definitely clicked more with Jack than LaCroix during the events at the theatre, and as soon as she could meet with the Anarchs, she jumped in with both feet. Would lowkey die for both Beckett and Nines and has decided they’re both her dads (Jack is Favourite Weird Uncle).

Post-game, she stayed in LA with the Anarchs until all that business with Tara Kearney and Vannevar Thomas made it a bit uncomfortable. Growing tired of the politics, she (and Wren, who she’s known since the Ankaran Sarcophagus event) left for San Francisco, although she’s still in contact with and on good terms with the LA Anarchs, still does the odd mission for them, and will meet with the SF Anarchs on their behalf.

Leader of the coterie. Dating Wren.

Elijah ‘Pyre’ Carter

Banu Haqim. Embraced 1999, apparent age 19, current age 41. Sire: Julian Sim.

Night Road protagonist. The Good End version of Night Road where Pyre realised that, hey, Julian’s plans are really fucked up and ended up bailing on Julian, running off to SF with his boyfriend Raúl (who also isn’t a ghoul), also known as the AU where Pyre isn’t a complete disaster.

Originally from Syracuse. Was in college, dropped out, worked three jobs to pay off his whopping amounts of debt, was deliberately targeted by Julian. Worked (and was romantically involved) with Julian for nearly a decade before Julian manipulated him into diablerising Aila; shortly after, Julian disappeared. Pyre spent ten years on the road working as a courier until the events of the game in November and December 2019, where he was instantly drawn back to Julian’s side, fighting between his loyalty to his sire and his own sense of ethics.

Raúl helps become his moral backbone, and they work together (without Raúl being ghouled). After absorbing - and making use of - the 2100 formula, he apologises to Lettow and tells Julian that he can’t work with him, and he and Raúl leave for San Francisco, meeting Sierra there.

While he’s the eldest of the coterie (both in actual chronological age and in how long he’s been a vampire), he has no desire to lead, and is happy to leave that to Sierra. Has depression.

Raúl Cañedo

Brujah. Embraced 2020, apparent age 26, current age, uh, 27. Sire: Nines Rodriguez.

Night Road supporting character. As per canon, he grew up in Mexico City. After his father’s death and the arrest of his mother’s companion Antonio, he, his mother, and several family members crossed the border. Raúl was the only one to survive. While trying to help other family members across, he ran across Pyre, later encountering him again at Camp Scheffler.

Unlike in-game, when Pyre said he wasn’t comfortable making him into a ghoul, he accepted it, and they continued to work together hunting the true monsters as-is, gradually falling for each other over the events of the game and leaving together for San Francisco.

After being badly injured in an attempt to save people from a remnant Sabbat group, he asked Pyre to Embrace him. Pyre was reluctant to do so himself, and eventually Sierra suggested that he would make a pretty ideal Brujah. With the coterie travelling down to LA together, they met with Nines, who agreed to Embrace him. Now, Raúl is still happily involved with Pyre, still trying to fight against the real monsters, working through his PTSD, and learning what it is to be Kindred.

Briar

Toreador. Embraced 2011, apparent age 22, current age 32. Sire: D'Espine.

Originally from Dallas, Briar was an autistic, nonbinary arts student on the verge of dropping out when they caught the eye of D’Espine, who offered them the position of model and dancer at her club. Bonus points - for the relatively low price of becoming one of her ghouls, they’d also be able to be shaped into the perfect picture of androgyny they always wanted to be (along with the help of the Tzimisce Ana). While the life was sometimes difficult, they enjoyed the opportunity to explore fashion, music, and beauty, and eventually agreed to be Embraced.

For a few years, it wasn’t a bad life. Plenty of creative stimulation, with Briar able to get involved in fashion design and having plenty of beautiful things to stimulate their mind. Those nights came to an end with the Second Inquisition attacked Dallas in 2019, which set Briar’s anxiety off in a bad way; D’Espine encouraged many of her childer and ghouls to relocate for safer environments, and Briar (along with Ana, who, by now, was a friend) fled to San Francisco. There, they met Sierra and eventually the others, and is now enjoying the quiet security of being part of a coterie.

Brianna 'Wren' Metcalfe

Nosferatu. Embraced 2002, apparent age... hard to tell but she was 18 when she was Embraced, current age 37. Sire: Mitnick.

Wren has a surprisingly common story amongst Nosferatu - a geek and hacker (and, let’s be real, a bit of a weeaboo), she had stumbled her way across SchreckNet, was amazed at the world she had discovered, and was promptly dealt with. Namely, they sent Mitnick (who had previously done exactly that) out to her, who explained what she had found, and her options were either becoming a hideous undead sewer-dwelling creature of the night, or death.

Wren was sufficiently geeky enough to go, “Well fuck, I’m not exactly pretty or popular as-is, I can stay online, and I get neat powers. Let’s go for it!” and happily agreed to the Embrace. It was pretty cool - for a couple of years, when, shortly after the Ankaran Sarcophagus incident, the NSA breached SchreckNet and really got the Second Inquisition ball rolling.

Diving right into playing information security games against the NSA and FIRSTLIGHT, Wren worked on keeping the few remaining Kindred information systems relatively secure, right up until the 2009 information blackout. Deeply put out by the sudden lack of freedom, Wren approached Sierra, the Anarch neonate who had helped her sire out five years earlier, joining their movement and working on encryption and message-passing right under the noses of the SI (and, cautiously, starting a relationship with the Gangrel). When Sierra relocated to San Francisco, Wren followed, and now works on keeping the coterie secure and protected from the SI.

Occasional singing partner of Mort Sheaffer and preeminent provider of pirated media amongst San Francisco’s Kindred. Dating Sierra. Autistic and ADHD.

Ana

Tzimisce. Embraced 2007 at 16 but uses vicissitude to look older, current age 30. Unknown sire.

Ana’s background is relatively typical, albeit unhappy. A closeted trans girl, she went to school, dated girls, played sports, and generally play-acted the part of a ‘typical’ teenage boy, longing for graduation (when she could move away and start over).

Things went rather badly wrong when she was sixteen. Caught in the wrong place at the wrong time during a Sabbat War Party, she was Embraced and promptly knocked unconscious and buried alive (or, well, unalive). When the terrified and traumatised Ana finally dug herself out along with the rest of her follow ‘shovelheads’, she was crudely inducted into the Sabbat and sent on a hunt to track down a target she had never heard of, one of the disposable shock troops made especially for her elders to use as they wished.

She was one of the lucky ones. While her humanity had taken a beating during her Embrace, she was more scared than bloodthirsty, fled, and hid herself amongst the alleys and sewers, and had the exceedingly good fortune to stumble into a group of high-humanity Kindred who immediately recognised what she had gone through. They helped her, slowly and painstakingly, regain her humanity, and when they recognised the clan she had been Embraced into, even found an independent Tzimisce mentor to help her begin to learn to combine Protean and Dominate into Vicissitude.

The first person she used vicissitude on was herself, and while her ‘base’ appearance is usually the same (of a pretty young woman in her early twenties), she does delight in odd modifications or changes. While the discipline has a bad reputation as being used for pain, she uses it to help people, and by the early 2010s she had a reputation for helping people transition or modify their appearances in general. Working with D’Espine and her ghouls, she met and befriended Briar, and when the SI attack hit Dallas, the two fled to San Francisco together. While Ana’s PTSD still rears its ugly head, the security of her new coterie and the sibling-like relationship she has with Briar is helping her heal.

[some-mad-lunge]

What Might Have Been - Malex Fic

Alex leaves Roswell the day after his and Michael’s almost kiss. He comes back for his high school reunion and realizes some things never change, like the way a certain curly haired boy makes him feel. (Malex AU)

This is for @fraudulentzodiacs​ to make her smile. You are loved darling.

***************************

You can’t go home again, isn’t that what they say? What they should say is don’t go home again. Alex Manes had made that vital mistake, gone home and he regretted it. Why? Because he was sitting in a rented luxury SUV, AC running as he tried to pump himself up enough to get out of the damn car.

He’d had his reasons for wanting to show up his 10 year high school reunion but he couldn’t remember them right now.

Well two reasons actually, only two and he did remember them.

First, to throw a John Hughes style middle finger to the four years of hell he’d had within those walls and the people who’d made it that way.

The second? To lay eyes one more time on the boy that was the only reason those same years were even slightly bearable.

Alex wasn’t usually nostalgic, which was ironic given that he was a songwriter. He was paid large amounts of money to make melodies and prose into art, to make people feel something. It didn’t mean he always saw the beauty in the sunset or in the healing of a broken heart. It didn’t mean he looked backwards at all. He normally avoided it at all costs.

It just happened that his invitation to the reunion had arrived less than 48 hours after his interview with Rolling Stone. He’d been picked, along with nine other songwriters, to be a part of their “Voices Of A Generation” issue. It was a tremendous honour and a validation he’d never known he’d needed until he had it.

It didn’t matter that he had two Grammy’s, countless other awards and chart topping hits. It didn’t matter that he had Beyoncé’s and Taylor Swift’s personal numbers saved in his cell phone. It didn’t matter that he had a house in Malibu and an apartment in Manhattan. It didn’t matter what anyone in Roswell thought about him then or what they thought now, especially not Alex’s father.

No, what mattered was that he'd been chosen by Rolling Stone to represent the voice of the very people who had shunned him back in the day. They had tried to make him hate who he was and had failed miserably in their attempts.

Now they listened to his message, they sang along to his lyrics and that was a fuck you very much he wasn’t going to turn down delivering.

But none of it, not one single bit of it, would have been possible without Michael Guerin.

Alex could still remember it like it was yesterday, Michael’s lips, Michael’s eyes. Warm breath on Alex’s face and the moment of finally before it was gone and the soul crushing love of his life had pulled away before it could even begin. Instead it ended and so did any reason to hang on.

If that hadn’t happened Alex wouldn’t have packed his bags that night. He wouldn't have taken out all his savings, bought a bus ticket and gotten out of New Mexico before anyone knew he was gone. He wouldn’t have sat staring out the window as the dessert went by, not bothering to hide his tears as he wrote “Cosmic Love” in his spiral notebook.

It was a song about a love that you can run from but never leave behind. The kind of love that is everywhere and in everything, that sustains you just as much as it makes you bleed. A love that only two people could understand. The love Alex had always felt for Michael.

The lyrics had flowed out of him in one go, the notes he played the first time at a rest stop under a flickering light at 2:00am.

A song that less than a year later made the gay teenage outcast of Roswell a force to be reckoned with.

If Michael hadn’t taken away Alex’s only reason to stay, he never would have left. Alex felt like he owed Michael somehow for crushing his heart.

It hadn’t been that easy of course, but for once luck had been on Alex’s side. Los Angeles had been the escape he’d always dreamed of. He met people like himself, the outcasts, the freaks and the artists. He’d met boys, and men, unashamed to look him up and down, desire him. He’d been allowed to kiss in coffee shops and hold someone’s hand at the beach. He’d sat in the sand and played his guitar in between shifts at the souvenir kiosk where he’d gotten a job.

He’d been in LA six months when he’d met Jason. Alex strummed his guitar, black polish chipping off his nails, hard cement of the boardwalk under him. Jason, who had a voice like honey, sat beside him out of the blue one day and started singing along. Jason, who instantly became his best friend, and then shortly after became Jason Rast.

Cosmic Love had been Jason’s first single off his debut album, and it changed both of their lives.

Alex Manes might write the voice of a generation but Jason Rast sang it, gave it life. He was the epitome of a rock star with a heart of gold. Fame hadn’t changed him, or their friendship. Or how much he liked to text.

Jason - Have you seen him yet? Did he get fat? I bet he got fat.

Alex - I’m hiding in the parking lot.

Jason - You know you have two Grammy’s right? Fuck those people.

Alex - Why did I want to do this again?

Jason- Do you want me to send a jet to come get you? We could go to Vegas. Adam Levine is there, he always throws a good bender.

Alex - You hate Levine.

Jason - Everyone hates him. It’s like a rule.

Alex - No. I’m going to do this. I can do this.

Jason - MY MAN!

Jason - Let me know if he got fat.

Alex pulled himself out of the car, smoothed the front of his button down shirt. He could have gone full celebrity and worn something designer. That was probably what everyone was expecting of him but it didn’t mean that’s who Alex was. Sure his jeans were probably too expensive by most people’s standards but they made his ass look amazing. He did have to face the unrequited love of his life after all.

He walked through the parking lot filled with cars but void of people. He could hear the music coming from the open gym doors, the muffled voices of his past. The sun was starting to set, casting everything in moody pinks and reds.

For some reason he headed towards the football field. Not that Alex had ever played the sport or even gone to a game unless dragged there. No, he’d spent his time under the bleachers playing his guitar or smoking a cigarette when he should have been in class pretending anyone at home gave a shit about him.

Alex had perfected being moody and pissed about the unfairness of life as a teenager. It had been warranted but it was still a damn cliche.

He finally stopped with his hands in his pockets, took in the spot he’d sat with Maria or Liz, sometimes even Michael, but mostly alone. Just him and his guitar. This place seemed bigger back then, the whole world had.

“Looks exactly the same doesn’t it?” The voice from behind Alex didn’t make him jump, it never had. Instead it slide over him like a caress, heat and smoke, easy to fall into if he wanted. He took a deep breath and looked over his shoulder.

Time had been good to Michael Guerin. Correction, time had been sucking Michael Guerin’s dick and thanking him for the pleasure. He looked like sex personified, low slung jeans and curls that Alex still wished he had felt against his fingers just one time.

Michael was a little older, a little rougher around the edges but he still made a shiver go up Alex’s spine. It was like being 18 all over again.

“Of all the things I expect to change in this world Roswell isn’t one of them.” Alex smiled through the words. It was Michael and even when breaking Alex’s heart he was still the best thing about this God awful town.

He got a grin back, Michael walking forward so Alex can meet him in the handshake/half hug that seems to be the straight man staple. He felt breath on his cheek for a second so it was worth it.

“I can’t believe you came.” Michael seemed genuinely happy to see Alex, which he had to admit surprised him.

“Me neither.” He’s a liar but no one needs to know that.

“FYI, Isobel has your Rolling Stones cover up on the “Alumni Wall Of Fame.” It’s right next to Marcus Boyle’s USDGC gold medal.”

“USDGC?”

“United States Disc Golf Championship.”

Alex can’t stop the punch of laughter that escapes. Michael always did that to him, made him feel without fear. Alex could laugh or he could cry but it was easy, and it was safe.

“Is the medal in the shape of a frisbee?” Alex can’t help but meet Michael’s eyes, fascinated that they are exactly the same as he remembers them. Exactly like he still dreamed about most nights.

“No, but now that I think about it that is clearly a gross oversight.”

They stand side by side, their snorts of laughter fading into comfortable silence. Their kind of comfortable, with a pop of electricity that snapped between them. Alex would never forget how devastated he’d been when he realized he was the only one that had ever felt it.

He kind of wants to go back in time and give 18 year old Alex a hug. At 28 he’s unsure how to handle this feeling, 10 years ago must have been terrifying. He doesn’t remember it that way. Michael had never scared him, Michael had fascinated him.

“Should we head in?” Alex turned to the gym, as ready as he’d ever be to face the masses, but a hand on his arm stopped him. The fingers are so hot Alex wasn’t sure how he didn’t catch on fire. He had to fight the part of him that just wanted to press those hands to his bare skin and burn alive.

“Or we could hide under the bleachers with the cooler of beer I put there just in case.” Michael’s smile is small, and if Alex has read it right, a little bit unsure. A peace offering? Which was ridiculous, it wasn’t Michael’s fault that he hadn’t felt the way Alex always did.

No, it wasn’t anyone’s fault that Alex had spent most of his life continuously falling for Michael Guerin.

Alex had been so heartbroken he hadn’t realized when he’d run away he wasn’t the only one who had lost something. Michael had been Alex’s ideal, but Alex had been Michael’s friend. One of the choice few. For a moment he was ashamed of himself. But Alex had done what he needed to do for his own survival back then. He shouldn’t regret it now, but seeing Michael’s face, a part of him did. Alex owed him, even if it would probably smash his heart all over again.

“Lead the way cowboy.”

They ducked under metal bars and squeezed through small openings to get to Alex’s favourite hideaway. It was perfectly hidden, right where two sets of bleachers met in a corner. There were two blankets and cooler with a black cowboy hat perched on top. As Michael sat Alex pulled out his phone, took a picture of the initials he’d scrawled in black sharpie back in the day.

AM WAS HERE/QUEER.

There’s other initials now, some with the same message as his. It makes him feel connected to the kids who came after. The ones who hid here just like he had. He wonders if he’d helped anyone feel less alone.

Alex suddenly feels suffocated by Michael’s gaze, like it’s running the length of him in a slow trail. He’s imagining it, he knows he is, but he lets himself.

Finally he sits across from Michael, his legs tucked as comfortably as he can on the blanket left for him. He gladly takes the beer bottle handed his way, sighs after a long sip.

“So Guerin, do anything interesting in the last 10 years?”

And yeah, Michael’s laugh still sends Alex’s stomach into somersaults. Some things just never changed.

*********

They’re three beers in, the initial awkwardness gone. Their legs are spread out in front of them, Alex is mesmerized by the warmth of Michael’s thigh against his calf. It makes him want what he can’t have, but it’s a feeling he’s used to.

Alex is surprised that Michael never left Roswell, never went to university like he planned. He’s cagey on the details so Alex doesn’t push. Guerin doesn’t seem unhappy but he’s also not content. There’s something missing in his life. Alex can tell. They were always the same, the two of them.

They keep it light and easy. Alex shares stories of LA and the lack of glamor. How he enjoys fame without actually being famous enough to be recognized on the street. He’ll be the first to admit his life isn’t as exciting as people think.

Michael catches him up on Roswell and how much everything is basically exactly the same.

“I was sad to find out the museum closed, I thought I would check and see if they had any new displays.” Alex meant it as a joke but he watches something akin to pain flash in Michael’s eyes. Maybe it’s the shadows from the flood lights, or maybe…

“Michael?!” Alex would know that voice anywhere, Isobel Evans on the warpath. The beer had made him loose, or maybe it’s the insanity of the situation but he can’t help himself. He starts to giggle.

Michael shushes him but it’s no use, Alex can hear the click of Isobel’s heels as they come closer. He can’t stop, he just keeps imaging the blonde princess’s face if she discovers them. That is until Michael reaches forward, one hand to the back of Alex neck and the other to cover his giggling mouth.

He freezes, because suddenly he’s overcome with the warmth surrounding him. The fizz in his stomach now a full blown tornado and the sensation of fingers softly digging into his skin. Michael’s eyes are locked with his, and the world just melts away. He doesn’t know if Isobel has left. He doesn’t know if he’s dreaming but he can’t help himself. That was always his problem. His heart has a mind of its own and it’s always said one thing over and over again.

Michael.

He does the most insane and yet natural thing before he can think better of it, and presses his lips to Michael’s palm in a soft kiss. He does it selfishly, for himself. So Alex can say once, just once, that he got to.

Michael’s eyes soften, his hand gone from Alex’s mouth. Instead it palms Alex’s cheek, a calloused thumb ghosting against his mouth. The moan it brings out of him, Alex would be ashamed of it wasn’t the most honest sound he’s ever made.

It’s there, that flash of heat in Michael’s eyes. The one Alex always thought he’d imagined. It’s real this time and it’s everything he remembers.

They meet in the middle, wet and open from the start. Michael’s tongue a direct shock to his dick, already hard and wanting. Alex wants to weep when he finally gets to slide his fingers into that hair, feel the curls catch and release. He tastes like beer and every good memory Alex ever had.

Michael’s hands are greedy and they’re everywhere. Alex feels the imprint of them long after they slide from his shoulders to his waist, a hard tug as they fist into his shirt. Somehow he’s dragged into Michael’s lap, the earth hard on his knees as he grinds down. It makes Alex whimper, he has to lose those lips to gasp for breath and hold on.

Michael’s arms are holding him so tight, a hand sliding up under his shirt, teeth scraping against his neck. It makes his hips move faster, chasing something he can’t even name. They’re rhythm and Michael’s quick movements are going to end him.

Warm lips drag a path to his ear, breath heavy and wanton. “Always knew it would be like this.”

It sends shockwaves through Alex, digs in deep, the reality that he hadn’t been the only one all those years ago. That he isn’t the only one currently drowning now.

“Michael…”

He’s grasped tighter, held fast and whatever he was about to say disappears. They’re lined up perfectly and Alex has never hated denim more in his life. He wants to slow this down, take his time. He wants to imprint everything to memory, horde it for the lonely nights that are sure to follow. Michael won’t let him, maybe he can’t. It doesn’t matter, not anymore.

Alex needs to kiss him again, so he does. They’re too out of breath, too keyed up. They’re just panting into each other’s mouths and lighting the world on fire. It’s all happening so fast, years of feeling focused into right here and right now.

He’s so close, he’s so fucking close to dying and he can’t get their soon enough. Michael bites Alex’s bottom lip, pain and pleasure and everything in between. He forces his gaze to stay on Michael’s face, that fierce look of possession mixed with awe. Every dream Alex ever had paled in comparison to the real thing.

“Come on baby. I’ve waited a decade for this, don’t deny me now.”

That’s all it takes, the demand in Michael’s words and what they really mean. It’s pulled out of Alex, like a gut punch of galaxies, the burn of the sun. He’s not alone, he feels all of it. Michael’s pleasure, his own eternity and bliss, quakes with it in every nerve ending.

Finally he floats back down, weightless and perfect. His arms still wrapped around Michael, his face pressed into soft flannel. He never wants to let go. Hands are still clutched into his skin. Unheard words are whispered into his shoulder. Alex just tries to relearn how to breathe.

It’s fingers on his face that finally has him moving again, their foreheads pressed together.

“What the fuck was that?” Alex kisses it into Michael’s mouth, in awe of how much he still wants him. How much he always has, how much he always will.

Michael pulls back, runs his thumbs over Alex’s cheeks. His eyes are bright and brilliant, his voice clearer than it has any right to be.

“Cosmic Love.”

Alex stills for a second, has to close his own eyes from what it makes him feel. He never thought Michael would know the song was about him. He should of, of course he should have, who else could it have ever been?

“I went looking for you the next day. Searched everywhere. If I could go back...” Michael’s looking at him like he used to, another thing Alex hadn’t imagined after all. “I knew you’d leave Alex, but you were always supposed to take me with you.”

Alex sees it all in Michael's eyes, all the loneliness and pain of the past reflected back at him. So much regret it breaks his heart all over again. Only this time, this time Alex gets to do it right.

“How quickly can you pack?” He means it, God does Alex mean it. Presses his lips all over Michael’s face, soft and sweet. Years of love he finally gets to show, to give to the boy who helped Alex survive. Now the man he still feels every bit of it for.

Michael stops his caresses, something shutters in his eyes and it hurts. Alex feels the world start to cave in. He tries to pull away, because he can’t lose this again. Not after what they just shared, he won’t survive it.

“No, don’t.” Michael holds fast, searches Alex’s face. “I just need to tell you something first. It might...it could change things.”

“It won’t.” Alex knows it couldn’t.

“Alex…”

He runs his fingers through curls, revels in finally being allowed to.

“I promise you, it won’t.”

They’re still pressed together under the bleachers when Alex learns the truth. It should shock him, it should scare him. It doesn’t, not even a little. He just listens and he believes and none of it matters.

It’s Michael and him, it’s them and what they’ve always been. It’s cosmic, and now Alex knows why.

[leihey]

Lovely Tears (One Shot)

Word count: 1569

Pairing: Hyunjin (Stray Kids) x Junhyung (OnlyOneOf), bxb

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Mentioning of suicide, mentioning of bullying, Insults, homophobia

Summary: Hyunjin lays on the floor of his room alone and cries and thinks about what happened in the last time.

Theme Song: Rise Against - Make It Stop (September's Children)

[A/N: Happy Pride Month!

It's a pretty short one shot this time and I'm not really satisfied with it, but I hope you like it anyways~

I'll start with saying thank you to my precious friends who helped me with this. This would be include Lou, who helped me with finding a good ship, Auli who helped me when I had problems with translating the unique person who made again a beautiful cover for me and of course Jojo who helped me a lot with the translations. Then, I'm still not that good at writing in English and if there are still some mistakes, please tell me! And again, I really wanna become better at writing and it would be so great if you could tell me what you think about my one shot and of you have any criticism or something hehe~

Last but not least I'd like to recommend the theme song to you. It's a great song with an important meaning.]

…………………………………..…..……🤍………..……………….…………….……

Shakily he raised his hand and looked at it in the dim moonlight that made it through the window into the room. His breath was heavy, but still not as heavy as his heart. It was only a matter of time until he’d cry again, writhing on the floor, sobbing and calling quietly for help.

“Princes don’t cry.”, he repeated now for the almost hundredth time.

“P-princes don’t cry.” He clung to these words as if they were the salvation he had longed for.

“Princes d-do…” A single, small tear rolled down his cheek. “…don’t cry.”, he let out weakly. Slowly he lowered his hand again, put it on the floor and braced himself against it. His legs laid cramped next to him, slightly suggesting the embryo position. A second tear left his eye. His arms began to shake even more violent and he wouldn’t be able to hold his own weight for long.

“Naww, is this little pussy crying again?”, he scoffed at himself. “You’re such a damn sissy, Hyunjin, honestly. Such a small, unworthy, shitty crybaby.” He spat out each word individually to express his contempt for himself more. The contempt of others, who repeated these sentences mantra-like in front of him day by day. “Why does something like you even exist?” Hyunjin could feel how they pushed him against the wall. “You know what?”, he hissed at himself, putting his hands on his neck, just as they had done so many times before, that the feeling of not having pressure on his lungs was almost foreign to him.

“You’re not worth the fucking air you breathe.” He closed his grip a little more with each word he spoke. The black-haired boy gasped for air, his arms began to shake even more again, but this didn’t make his grip come lose. On the contrary. He clung to his neck with all his might. Hyunjin started to kick his legs severely, trying to fight himself.

“W-where are you?”, he sobbed weakly as he closed his eyes and finally released his grip. He raised his hand again, opened it and looked at his empty palm. “I mi-miss you.”, he breathed faintly. “So, so badly.” Tears filled his eyes again, took his view. “Is the stupid baby screaming after him again?” This time the mockery didn’t come from his mouth, but only from his memory.

“It’s time for you to understand that this bitch was smart enough to make the right choice.” Hyunjin wanted to say something, wanted to scream and fight for him, wanted to make sure they left him alone. But all he could get out of his mouth was a meaningless whine.

They had hit his sore spot. The only place that couldn’t be healed with a bit of disinfectant spray and bandage. And in his memory, the moment was even more unbearable. Having to listen again to how much he had always failed robbed him of his last bit of strength. His tears came over him like a wave and took away his last amount of hope. He tensed, felt his toes shaking and getting numb, then his legs and after that the rest of his body. Hyunjin’s head began to throb in pain. He closed his eyes and saw the horrible memories spinning in front of his eyes, getting louder, then quieter again and disappearing completely after that, leaving nothing but black. His own soft sobs were the only remaining sound in the room as well as in his thoughts.

“Why does it have to hurt so much?”, he gasped, not knowing how far away he still was from the end of this torture. “I-is it me?”, he stuttered, barely understandable. “Am I really so wrong?” He felt empty, exhausted and above all, lost. The 20-year-old had already seen the cruelest abysses, but he had never been this deep. He had always been certain that this was his own fault. That he was never good enough and never would be. But he had never considered that they were right. Those who punish him every day for what and who he was. Hyunjin felt weak. Weaker than usual. Unimportant. Unnecessary. Felt like he was nothing but a mistake.

“Hyunjin!” The older ones’ voice was a little deeper, but also gentler than Hyunjin’s. He remembered his voice too well and the light childish touch that it would’ve never lost. Now he was fully done and broken. A knife could have been slowly and painfully put in his chest and the pain wouldn’t been nearly as intense as the pain the voice he had just heard has caused.

“Junhyung?”, Hyunjin replied incredulously. Junhyung gently put his arm around the smaller one. “Did they hurt you again, my prince?”, whispered the blonde guy. Hyunjin ignored his question and opened his eyes to look once more at his boyfriend’s perfect face. “Junhyung? J-junji? D-darling?” In vain.

“Jinnie, don’t cry!” The kindly voice of Junhyung was clearly heard, but the boy himself was nowhere to be seen. “Darling? Where are you my angel?” Hyunjin repeatedly searched every single inch of the room with his eyes, but unsuccessfully.

he heard a soft sigh, but couldn’t make out where it came from. “My prince, handsome, stop it.”, the older boy begged sadly. “This world has so much to offer. There’s so much for you to see. So much love for you.”

The black-haired guy swallowed hardly. “W-what’s about to happen, angel?” He could feel Junhyung laying his arms around him from behind and kissing his earlobe gently. “I don’t wanna hurt you, Hyunjin.” His voice was still warm and lovingly, but his words hit Hyunjin devastatingly. “But I don’t wanna lie to you either, handsome. And as painful as it is, I unfortunately have to remind you that I am dead.” The words came so easily over his lips that Hyunjin, who has never been able to speak about it properly, froze. “I killed myself. And this happened already a year ago. Hyunjin, my prince…” Junhyung put his hands affectionately around the younger ones. “…I love you.” He tenderly placed his lips on his princes’ cheek. Hyunjin ran his hands slightly over the place where he felt the elder’s lips.

“I love you too.”, he panted wearily.

“I know. And it means so much more to me than you can imagine. But it stings my heart to see you crying out of pain.” It got silent for a short time. “And it’s time for you to continue living your life.” Junhyung fondly put his hands on Hyunjin’s cheek, as he had done to him so often when he was still alive and exhausted from the cruelty of his fellow human beings.

“You are not my angel.”, the black-haired spat out numbly. Junji hesitated. “No.”, he finally admitted. “No, I’m not Junhyung. Your angel, as you use to say. You’re right, I’m not him.” ‘Junyhung’ took away his hand from Hyunjin’s cheek. “I am the memory of him. Your subconscious that advises you to get over him.” All the warmth in ‘Junhyung’s’ voice was gone and nothing but the bitter truth remained.

“It’s too early!”, protested the younger boy, indignant and hurt by himself. “Is it really ‘too early’, Hyunjin? It’s been a year. Even longer. And you haven’t gotten a step further and let them destroy yourself every day.” Hyunjin glared at the floor, well knowing that his inner voice was only telling the truth.

“You never were like that before. You didn’t let yourself be taken down. You were fighting.” The tears in Hyunjin’s eyes were fading.

“I fought for him. For my Junhyung. The real one.”, he mumbled.

“Yes. And now you don’t do it anymore.”, his subconscious stated. The black-haired boy nodded abashedly.

“Because he’s dead. Because I failed miserably. Lost him. It’s too late.” Hyunjin emphasized the words as sharply as if he wanted to lose the fight against himself.

“Hyunjin. Both of us know I’m right. Junhyung is dead. But he loved you. Always. Until his last breath. If he could see you like that, so weak and vulnerable, he would be disappointed. In himself. He would hate himself for putting you in such a state. It’s time to move on with life. Do it for him.”

Hyunjin had nothing to reply to that. The voice, which started with choosing her sentences with such a care, no longer seemed to be cautious. It spoke the words with an uncomfortable hardness and speed.

“I love him.”, whispered Hyunjin. He was no longer able to do more than that. For years he thought that the cruel lies his bullies told about him, hissing in his ear day by day, just because he was different from them, just because he was gay, were harsh. But not even one of these phrases hit him as hard as the truth he had to admit to himself.

Shivering, he got up, went to his closet and took out an oversized sweater.

“Junji’s favourite sweater.”, he mumbled into the warm fabric. He hesitantly went to his bed to drop on it.

The boy pressed his face into the garment that his late boyfriend had worn daily during his lifetime. Sweat, blood and dirt stains had immortalized in the sweater. But above all, memories were woven into the fabric.

Once again tears sprung into Hyunjin’s eyes, accompanied by a croaked “I’m not ready yet.”