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itsalwaysthelatter · 2 years ago

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Singapore

This is it. It feels like this is the right time to write why I did what I did. 4 yrs ago, I boarded a flight to Singapore for the second time and it was also then that I broke someone’s trust once more and I have never been better.

Before anything else, let me tell you a bit of what happened earlier than 4 years back. I fell in love with my greatest love, then fast forward I cheated on her and somehow managed to ask for another chance but I blew it. So I met some new people, went through multiple relationships but none was enough to convince me to be faithful. I was not emotionally there to appreciate the time, effort and love that has been provided to me. Having said that, I tried so hard to look for that familiar feeling I’ve only felt from her, my greatest love. She fell in love but I fell harder. Took so long for me to admit it. Explains why even though we didn’t end up together and I didn’t get to have the courage to make up for the mistakes of my past and woo her back, I kept her as a “friend”. Everyday I convince myself that it was all platonic just so that I can trick my brain and make each second of my life less painful. Looking back, I realized that my deep loneliness might not have shown on how I react to her messages every time we talk about her new romances but it definitely shows on the way I started to look and act around people near me. I developed stress eating, became disorganized, messy and vulgar.

So Singapore. I was dating someone, at least from my perspective. She obviously had an immense crush with my ex-girlfriend, the “greatest love”. Let’s call them DA(dating) and GL(great love) so we don’t get confused. Also, I’m not a writer. I am writing this as how I imagine myself talking to someone next to me. This is the only way I know how to connect with you. The “you” that I don’t know and perhaps will never meet but has so much time in their hands reading this. I sincerely thank you though for taking time. Anyway, back to the topic. DA started to plant this idea in my head that since we are going to Singapore, isn’t it a good idea for a graduation gift for GL to make her a plus one in our SG trip. Might I add it was supposed to be an intimate trip or vacation. She haven’t even met her yet. She only saw her pictures and heard stories about her from me. This is when you know someone is shitting you but some of you might think I deserve it after reading the first paragraph. Look hey, I don’t blame you, I really don’t. But if I knew what I know now back then, nobody deserves to be treated like shit, not even people like me. You’re probably thinking I said no, right? Because it was a huge red flag. But I was a walking red flag myself and so I said, “Yes, that’s a good idea”. Funny how I was even excited, lol. I know it was going to be chaotic but for some fucked up reason or feeling, I badly want to be a part of it. I was clearly not okay. A little bit after letting GL know about our plan to make her plus one as a gift, they both added each other on Facebook. On a side note, I’m a plane away from them and they are less than an hour away by car from each other.

At the airport where we all met, it was self-evident how chummy their connection was already and like they are on their honey moon stage as a couple. They were bantering, throwing some inside jokes, complimenting and catching a glimpse of each other. With these things going on, one would think not to board on the flight with them. I was looking like an unproductive supporting cast straight out of a very cliché lesbian move. Let’s take this positively though, If I hadn’t boarded that flight, I would have never woken up and I wouldn’t have this story to share to a complete stranger. I asked GL if they are dating or if she has feelings for DA. I’ve asked her this not because I was jealous. At first I thought I was. But as I’ve tried to understand myself and my feelings more in which I failed to do tons of times in the past, I figured jealousy wasn’t the case. I was just really looking for a reason not to lose her in the process. I wanted to keep GL, even if it meant keeping her only as a friend or an acquaintance. It sounded perplexed but to elaborate further, in my mind, I have lived in this bubble wherein I painted her as someone who has always been honest with me, will never break my heart nor would break a friend’s trust. At that time, for me she was the only one worth keeping like she was my Jesus. I’ve insulated myself in that limited reality for so long, I’ve been so unsuccessful in noticing her character development or what might have been affected after her experiences with me and her next relationships. I never thought she’s capable of betraying. So when she looked me in the eye and told me there was nothing going on between them and that DA looked old for her and she wasn’t her type, I heard it. I heard the bubble popped inside my head. I became fully aware that this is the result of the damages that I’ve done. I’ve done this to her, to DA and to me. However, it was just the start. I didn’t get to comprehend much yet, well at least not as much during the 4 days I’ve spent with them in Singapore. In at least one of those days I decided to roam alone in the city to give them both some private time and I was of course, pissed. I hear them mumble about me at night when they thought I was asleep. I hear noises, it wasn’t clear but it was noises and so I’ll leave that to your imagination as I can't for the life of me accurately describe it or if I was hearing things right. We were sharing the same room but I was not sleeping on the same bed with them. But before anyone badly react about the sleeping arrangements, there were two beds and I voluntarily ask that I sleep alone on the other one as I’ve known beforehand on what’s the real deal with them. They didn’t decline so it became more apparent. I don’t want to show them in a bad light so as to give you a bit more info, I’ve lied and cheated my way through my connection with DA. That’s why I confessed earlier that I did this to us. So I understand and accept if my trust towards them was never their priority. Plus if you talk to them, they might have a lot of things to say about me, perhaps majority of it aren’t good ones. Or if I’m wrong, they probably don’t care enough to say anything at all.

If I knew all along about their relationship before the trip, why did I do this? was it worth it? will I do it again? While there are two entirely different explanations to each of those questions, the answer to the second and third one are YES and YES. And so to continue with the topic, let me acknowledge the earliest question. First, at that time, I wanted to prove they were just trying to get back at me and I don’t want to believe that I was rejected, so I decided to go on that flight. Years later, I realized that at that very moment, I still have a lot of “what ifs” with GL. I was always in a constant battle with my brain and feelings to brush off that truth. I hate to accept that I became more into her than she was into me. Second, it’s a “YES” because my bubble burst. And for the first time, I finally had a strong reason to not reach out to GL. I have also learned to open my eyes in new possibilities and myself up to new people. Something I wasn’t able to do before then even after the constant complaints of my exes after her so they could get a peace of mind. In the past, I would rather have those constant long arguments with my current partner about GL than to cut ties with her. Of course years later, still a YES. It was worth it for the very reason I was able to forgive myself for what I’ve done to her and to my exes following her. I have always longed for her forgiveness that I forgot to forgive myself and I didn’t dare to for ages because it felt like I don’t deserve it. I had this chain of piled up guilt towards numerous people like it became a pattern or a sickness. That experience was really worth going through and I’ll do it again as I have learned to pardon myself for becoming what I was and for what I’m negatively turning out to be then afterwards. Now, I get that I was not ready when she met me but she came at the right time because she made everything better in view of the fact that she arrived during my darkest days and saved me in some parts of my previous years. Moreover, I acknowledged that even though she made that great impact in my life, it wasn’t hard for me to destroy it since I wasn’t mature enough to handle the relationship and that I was too comfortable to be in the dark. That having her was too good to be true it felt so much that she doesn’t deserve me and at the back of my head I consistently persuade myself it wouldn’t last and that’s why it didn’t. And that she met me when I was a kid, mentally. A kid who was never the parent’s favorite, always being compared to. The kid who has physical and emotional traumas that she’s been trying to hide growing up. The one who couldn’t come out as gay and when she tried to in order to fight for GL’s love, was then told that it’ll be the reason why her mom wouldn’t survive. Who has also been told that the father she knew growing up, wasn’t really her biological dad. That she has to bottle up that feeling of not knowing because she was so scared of losing her mom in her battle with Cancer. So she has to put a stop on expressing how bad it felt that they kept that secret from her for so long. The same time that kid learnt that she was never the wanted child by her real dad, that he wants her to be aborted. The kid, with no choice but to eventually change her entire full name that it made her feel like her past life was just an illusion. Who was then asked to leave home and was only given 500 to live by and look for her own job in a new city as she made a mistake of flunking one subject after she has gone through the former ordeal. These bad experiences are by no means will ever be an excuse for cheating or lying to someone. But at times, you must recognize what you’ve gone through and cut yourself some slack and rethink of the bad decisions you’ve made and make sure not to do it again as to not sink yourself any lower than you already are. One morning, thankfully, I became capable of stopping myself from thinking that if only she had met me at a later time, she wouldn’t have to go through what she has gone through with me. That was the part I was so guilty about. That I end up setting myself aside. I forgot that in order to love her right or to love someone right in general, I have to learn to love myself right first. And for the second explanation of why I will do it again, simply because it made me a better version of who I was back then. I woke up from the nightmares of my sins. I might not get the forgiveness I’ve always wished for, but at the very least I try so hard every day to stop piling guilt and break the chain. That for me, is the best repentance.

We people, are capable of doing very bad things. But every day we have a chance to make our lives and someone else’s life better. I’m very thankful for what I’ve gone through with them in Singapore and that they are the people who did it to me. They don’t owe me anything or any explanation but I feel like I owe them a chunk of my peace of mind. And for you stranger, I’m not really expecting people to read what I wrote since this is really like a journal but just in case, if you are like who I was and you are feeling a lot of guilt, let me tell you this, darkness can easily sucks you in every time you are able to get a glimpse of the light. But when there is light, there’s warmth. Surround yourself with people who genuinely appreciates what you do or who you are. If you feel like you are not ready to open yourself up to the world, you have yourself to appreciate you. Thank yourself even for the little things you do for you. Imagine talking to your envisioned future self. Tell her/him to see you soon and that you’re working on being her or him. Because no matter how shitty life is, you have a power of choice. You don’t have to dwell in life’s inconsistencies. Just be consistent to yourself. Consistently make sure you get proper sleep, you buy yourself those gadgets you always wanted, invest in yourself or your career, eat the food you were craving last week etc.. Live now, not in the past nor the future. Just now. Nothing beats that warm feeling every day. If you’re back in the dark again, it’s not wrong having another conversation with your envisioned future happy self and apologize that there will be a bit of a delay. This is it for now. Until then. Note: I consider this page as my journal but I’m open to connect with people and share thoughts with them about my story and theirs too.

#singapore #darkest #repentance #cheating #chain

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organizedcharm · 6 years ago

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Everything in my house is organized. Totally and completely organized. The bookcase in the office? Organized. The shelves in the laundry room? Organized. The kitchen cabinets? Yep, you can look there. They're organized (for now). But then there are *dun dun dun* the closets. Closets are a blessing and a curse at the same time. On one hand, they give us a place to store our stuff. On the other hand, they give us a place to store tons of stuff that we don't need and a place to hide it away so we never have to deal with it. My house is about a century old, and it only has four closets. One in each bedroom, and one in the laundry room. Out of those four, I only feel like one of them is functional. The other three? Traps for junk, like things I'm planning to donate or things that just don't have another home. Is this a problem for you, too? This post can show you how to organize your closets and keep them organized over time! Say hello to the CHARM system! The CHARM System: C- Start with a Clear GoalH- Adjust your Habits to align with your goalA- Take ActionR- String your habits together into RoutinesM- Have a Positive Mindset Step #1: Envision a Clear Goal for Each Closet On a piece of paper, write a heading for each closet in your house, even if you feel like it's already being used efficiently. Next, set a timer for a minute and write down how you envision each closet being used. If you need some help, just close your eyes and visualize your perfect life, where everything is clean and everyone is happy. You are totally efficient, look completely fabulous, and everyone in your life is happy. In that scenario, how do you envision yourself coming into your home? Where do you put your things? What do you see when you open each of those closets? Include any containers, shelving systems, etc. that you envision. Remember to include how often you see yourself cleaning out each closet in your perfect world :) Here are my goals for each closet: Master Closet: Categorized by clothing type and category. Organized with a chronologically rotating system. Aligns with Stylebook App. Laundry Closet: Holds all cleaning supplies. Also holds unusual items- Halloween costumes, etc. in neat containers. Bin for items to be donated quarterly. Office Closet: Holds outdoorsy stuff, like the stroller, workout equipment. Everything is organized and in its place. Cleaned out every 6 months. My Son's Closet: Out of season clothes kept on the top rack. Shoes on the top rack. Blankets and toys stored on side shelves. Large toys at the bottom. (Want to create a minimalist wardrobe that reflects your personal style? This post will help you!) Step #2: Form Good Habits Now that you have that down on paper, think about what daily habits you would need to create to keep your goal a reality. I'm not talking about "Go to Home Depot and buy a shelving system." I'm talking about consistent things like putting your clothes away at the same time of day. Here are the habits I'll need to get into to keep my closets looking the way I want them. Set your timer for one minute and write down how you see yourself "interacting" with each closet (it sounds crazy, but I promise it works!). Here are the habits I need to form to achieve the goal: Master Closet: -Document everything in Stylebook every day. -When I come home each day, put clothes away immediately- behind other clothes in that category. -Every 3 months, re-evaluate items not worn. Laundry Closet: -Put items to donate in "Donate" Bin as notice them. -Donate to Junior League every three months. Office Closet: -Keep free of office clutter. This is not a home for old notebooks. -Identify the things you want to keep and create a new home for them. Cash's Closet: -Put big toys (activity table/balance bike) in here nightly. -Organize his smaller toys by type and in bins on shelves. -Switch out bins weekly. Step #3: Take Action Now that you've identified your Clear Goal and Target Habits, it's time to take action. This is where you get to run to Home Depot and buy that shelving system! Think about what kinds of containers you want. Don't settle for the first containers you find either, look around and find EXACTLY what you want! The size, the color. What you want exists somewhere, and you won't feel happy with your closet if you use ill-fitting containers. Once you have everything you need, it's time to actually organize the closet! I am a big fan of this and I kind of look forward to doing it. Turn on all the lights in the room where you are working, get some water, play some music, and take every. single. thing. out of your closet. Everything. Also Read: 5 Rules for Simplified Style: Get Your Closet Under Control! We dread cleaning out closets because it's work. However, once we've taken everything out, putting things back into the closet becomes the work. You are far less likely to expend energy putting things you don't love back into the closet. You may even find that you only loved about 20% of the things in your closet, and you were just keeping the rest because you didn't want to go through the work of cleaning it out! So start with the things you love the most. If you were packing to leave town for a hurricane, and you knew there was a chance you might never see some of these things again, what would you choose to take with you? Think with that mentality. No excess. (Related: Creative Storage Solutions for Closets) Once you've gotten those things hung back up in your closet, set a limit of some sort. It could be 20 hangers or everything you can fit in one bin. Be ruthless as you slowly decide which things to add back in. And once you've hit your limit, donate the excess that was hiding in your closet! This works for clothes, toys, books, blankets, whatever you're storing in your closets. Most closet organization posts would stop there. You've done the hard work. You've got a nice, clean closet. You're done, right? Well... organizing your closet and keeping your closet organized is kind of like losing weight and keeping it off. It's great if you do it all at once and it looks great afterward. But if you don't change your daily routines, it won't last. This is where Step # 4 comes in... Step #4 comes in: Develop Consistent Routines Look back at your habits. This is the time that you need to use a little discipline and set those habit into motion. One of my habits was to hang up my clothes as soon as I get home. When I get home from work, it's so easy to leave clothes on the floor for "just a few minutes" while I get water, or pick up my son. But when I do that, I'm not respecting the goal that I set for myself. If you tell yourself that you're going to do something, do it. If you let yourself slack off a little here and there, eventually, you'll find yourself right back where you started, being stressed about all the excess junk lurking in your closets. Focus on creating one habit for a month, then another one. Eventually, you'll be able to string your habits together into routines. The routines will keep you from having to have a "closet cleaning" day every year. It may seem silly to consciously think about closets, and create habits and routines for them. BUT every little thing we do throughout the day is made up of habits and routines. When we don't put a lot of thought into them, we fall into bad habits or unproductive routines. However, if you DO put thought and purpose into them, you are one step closer to living the dream life that you envisioned! Related: Closet Cleanout Checklist Step #5: Keep a Positive Mindset Get into the mindset that you are an organized person, your closets are organized, and you don't bring in clutter. One of the biggest ways we sabotage ourselves is by saying "I'm the most disorganized person ever," or "my house is always a mess." DON'T SAY THAT! When you get down on yourself and your messy house, guess how your house will stay? Messy! Find a relevant quote or two that you really like and think it to yourself when you're looking through your closets. Here are a few of my favorites: "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful." -William Morris "The space in which we live should be for the person we are becoming now, not for the person we were in the past." -Marie Kondo "Life is too complicated not to be orderly." -Martha Stewart Take the time to put everything back where it's supposed to go. Do it for your future self. Think about how much easier it will be to get ready for work in the morning if you don't have to dig through a dresser drawer for something that wasn't hung up correctly! According to Gresham's Law of Planning, every minute spent planning saves you about 10 minutes in the future. So, even though it may be difficult for me to let my son cry for a minute while I hang up my clothes correctly, that helps me have a more efficient morning (which will lead to me having about 10 minutes to play with him before work)! Keep things like this in mind throughout your day! It may be a tiny decision now, but it will help you have a smooth getting ready time in the morning. And isn't that totally worth it?! What systems have you tried to keep your closets clean and organized? How did they work? Share your experiences below! PS- This post was requested by a reader! You can request your own post here! :)

http://organizedcharm.blogspot.com/2018/11/5-steps-to-keep-your-closets-organized.html

#SEO #Local SEO training

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empmoniitor · 4 years ago

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WHY TO MONITOR EMPLOYEE BEHAVIOR & WHAT ARE ITS BENEFITS?

When working with a team, it becomes important to consider employee behavior as a category of monitoring their performance. We often see that people get hired because of their professional skills and get fired because of their unprofessional behavior. That’s why nowadays, many organizations implement monitoring software to inspect the behavioral characteristics of their employees.

Here in this article, we are going to further discuss why employee behavior monitoring is essential in business and what are its various benefits.

4 REASONS TO MONITOR EMPLOYEE BEHAVIOR

HELPS YOU TO ORGANIZE STAFF-

As we all know, that webspace is full of distractions. Nowadays, many organizations around the world are implementing remote working options. But the problem arises due to disorganization at the personal level. It’s not possible to keep an eye on all the things when you are working with a virtual team. Here monitoring employees’ behavior can help you to know whether they are really committed to their work or they are just spending time on unproductive websites.

LEARN ABOUT TOOLS & SOFTWARE-

While working in the corporate industry, employees come to know about various tools and software that can be useful in their work. And they might even have their own preference, and sometimes they may even resist any new approaches. In such a case, it’s better for them with the tools in which they are most comfortable. Accordingly, you can invest in the best tools and software so that you can be assured of getting better productivity in your business.

FIND FAKE PERFORMER EMPLOYEES-

One of the reasons why you should be considering employees’ behavior monitoring is because of fake performers. Such employees only give their best when they are being watched by their managers. Otherwise, they are not quite productive in their work. By monitoring the work behavior of employees, you can find those fake performers who are not really active in their work but fake to be more productive in their work.

TRACK PASSIVE EMPLOYEES-

Passive employees are those who don’t have any self-drive to be motivated enough for their work. They often are late to their work and give early log out. And even if they do their work, they take more time to finish a work, which can be completed without wasting much time and effort. Using behavior monitoring, you can track the work activities of such idlers and also encourage them to be motivated in their work. So they can also nurture their professional skills to be more productive for the business.

HOW TO MONITOR EMPLOYEE BEHAVIOR?

Here we have the technology that can help you to monitor employee behavior. Using the new feature of EmpMonitor, you can keep track of employee behavior. And accordingly, give them suggestions or warnings to improve their work efficiency.

It has a rule-based alert system, which triggers when any of your employees breaks any rule that you have created. By implementing them you can check whether your employees are –

Punctual/ Habitually late

Active/Idler

Regular/Irregular with attendance

Productive with Internet usage (Software & Applications)

EMPMONITOR- BEHAVIOR MONITORING:

After opening the EmpMonitor dashboard, you can see this new feature- Behaviour. With this new feature added into EmpMonitor, now the admin user has the ability to create certain rules for employees. There you can set rules for your workforce when they break those rules under certain conditions.

For example, suppose you have created a rule to alert those employees who leave their work early for a day. Under that, you have created certain conditions for which employees will receive alerts/warnings whenever any breaches happen to trigger the rule.

Also, there you can create multiple rules to keep track of your employees’ work behavior which triggers only when someone breaches the rules by breaking the pre-set conditions.

MONITOR EMPLOYEE BEHAVIOR USING EMPMONITOR:

Now, if you are ready to implement employee behavior monitoring using EmpMonitor, here are the steps you need to follow.

When you open the dashboard, you will find the new feature- Behavior, which allows you to monitor the behavioral characteristics of your employees’ computer activities.

Go to the Behavior section.

Under the Behavior, you have three options- Alerts, Alerts Policies, Alert Notifications.

If you click on the Alerts section, there you will get the option to set rules and alerts for your organization.

Give a name to the rule you would like to create.

If you had your organization network across the different locations in the country, there you have the option to select locations and departments for which you have created those rules.

Next, you’ll have to set the condition under which the rules can be triggered.

After you are done with setting the condition, you can even add a note to it as a reminder(optional).

Now after setting the rules and conditions to trigger it, you also have the option to assign different risk levels for any breaches.

There you have the option to notify those who are involved in such activities that breaches the rules of your organization.

If the risk is lower, they will only receive a notification. But if there is any activity which involves higher risk for the business, then it can be notified into the form of warning to the respective employees.

ALERT POLICIES-

Now, if you want to check the rules already implemented in your organization, then go to the Behavior option again and click on the Alert policies option. Under this section, you can check various sets of rules already implemented in your organization. Also, there you have the option to alter changes in the rules according to the different situations and the need of your company.

ALERT NOTIFICATIONS-

Next on the behavior section, you have the option to check the alert notification preferences set for your organization. It will show the time, data and employee’s name when any alert is triggered. And according to the risk of the alerts, actions can be in the form of warnings/notification alerts.

With this kind of system implemented in your organization, you could ensure that your employees are not wasting time on unproductive activities and giving their best efforts for the growth of your business. Let’s consider an example, suppose an employee in your organization is having the habit of coming late to the office. Even if he has been quite active in his job. But sometimes he also uses office internet for personal usage. Or there can be conditions where you have purchased expensive software to ease up the work for your employees. But someone in your organization is not using it and taking more time to complete a task, which can be completed in a few minutes only.

In all those cases, you can implement this new employee behavior monitoring feature of EmpMonitor software so that you can be assured of getting more productivity in your business.

BENEFITS OF EMPLOYEE BEHAVIOR MONITORING

IMPROVE DISCIPLINE-

Using such rules in your company can help you to better organize and discipline your workforce. So, they can be more responsible for the tasks given to them without wasting time on any unproductive activities.

REDUCE RISK–

When working in a corporate, even the smallest of mistakes can lead to huge losses for the business. So, it’s better to ensure that even the slightest of mistakes may not happen. With the EmpMonitor alert based mechanism, the manager would be able to receive alerts when any rule of the company is broken. And they can take preventive actions to control the loss for the organization.

COST CUTTINGS-

Every year companies spend a lot on various sets of tools and software to ease up the work process in their organization. But some employees have their own preference for using such tools. In that case, it’s better to not invest in those expensive software.

OVERTIME PAYMENT-

Employee behavioral monitoring helps you to learn about the daily work activities of each and every employee. You will know- how well they are performing and how much time and effort they are giving for the progress of your business. When anyone claims for overtime, you have the record of their efforts and idleness. So you can judge and pay them accordingly.

ATTENDANCE & TIMESHEET-

Employees who are not regular with their attendance causes more work burdens for their colleagues. And it also put a negative impact on the work efficiency of other employees. With this alert based system, you can warn such employees to be more regular and organized in their work.

ERADICATE UNPRODUCTIVE BEHAVIOR-

If there are any employees with toxic behavior in your organization, it can be tracked using this alert based system of EmpMonitor. For those who fake their work progress or give false reports to their manager, this feature of EmpMonitor will automatically send them warnings to not repeat any of such activities in the future.

WRAPPING WORDS:

So after going through this article, have you decided to monitor employee behavior in your organization? If yes, then you must check the new feature of our EmpMonitor software. It will help you to keep a close eye on the behavioral characteristics of your workforce. So that you can take your actions accordingly to improve the production efficiency of your organization.

07 Most Important Management Skills No One Talks About

15+ BEST Valentine’s Day Activities That Your Employees Will Always Remember

In case you have any queries, or you are interested in knowing more about EmpMonitor features, feel free to drop us a line and connect with us!

We would love to hear your experience. And please don’t forget to share this article with others as well.

Originally Published On: EmpMonitor

#Employee Monitoring #Employee Management #Employee Productivity #Employee Monitoring Software #Monitor Employee Behavior

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juniper-tree · 7 years ago

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Nurturing a productive lifestyle

Here’s a quick summary of notes I took at a productivity panel, in case anyone finds this stuff useful. Personally, I feel like a confused, disorganized, unproductive mess a lot of the time, and I’d rather not. I’m hoping to put at least some of this into practice not just for work, but to be a more consistently productive, faster writer.

The Ivy Lee method for productivity:

Make a list of six things you want to get done the next day.

Prioritize each task.

The next day, concentrate on one at a time until it’s finished.

Bump any unfinished tasks to the following day. Leave them on the list.

Repeat this process every day.

Why does this work? It’s very simple. It forces you to think critically about each task in advance. Thinking critically about what needs to be done removes the friction that can prevent you from beginning.

Be mindful of any deadlines, and break down large tasks into small ones.

Take your list seriously. It’s easy to fall out of the practice of doing this daily.

Separate work tasks from hobby tasks from personal tasks. Make multiple lists.

Review your list at the end of the day. Did you complete your six tasks? What are the six most important things to do tomorrow? Did you add these to your list?

Ask yourself if you’ve completed any other tasks you want to achieve.

Are you at inbox zero? Have you shared a helpful resource or given someone encouragement today? Have you reviewed your schedule for tomorrow? Have you read today (or other thing that’s important to you)? Have you been physical today? Have you written today?

Tracking your progress:

The Seinfeld method (apocryphally attributed to Jerry Seinfeld, but… he didn’t actually say this)

Do you want to get better at something? Do it every day.

Commit to do something daily.

Get a calendar and put it where you will see it.

Get a marker, and write a big X on every day that you do the thing.

Once you have a chain of Xs, try not to break the chain.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

What is a habit that would encourage us to do reach the goal of excellence in what is important to us?

What is important to you? Why is ___ important to you? What will ___ change things for the positive/negative? How will ___ affect other people? What will you do when you meet your goal? What will it look like?

Tips for keeping it up:

Daily affirmations can encourage you.

Keeping accountability for when you break a habit or don’t complete a task.

Journaling the reasons why. This could be as short as one word (‘sick’). It doesn’t have to be an elaborate defense.

For people with anxiety, the goal in improving productivity might be to reduce and simplify your life, in order to reduce stress.

#writing #productivity

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sterling-starlight · 7 years ago

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#25:My nightmares are usually about losing you.

Written before bed for once, wow.

There were some people who called Ingo “over-protective,” “suffocating,” or “possessive.” Ugly words throw at him for no other reson other than to cast a negative shadow on his and White’s relationship. One tabloid had gone out of its way to describe it as negatively as humanly possible. It made White cry, so Ingo did what any good boyfriend would do and demand the reporter’s article be changed. His Chandelure has gone with him for... moral support.

The fact of the matter was that Ingo wasn’t possessive; he simply knew better. Humans who got themselves tangled up in the affairs of legendary Pokémon became a beacon for misfortune and tragedy. His parents had tried to help their leader re-create the fabric of reality in Sinnoh; leaving Emmet with constant nightmares about Giratina coming through his mirror to kill everyone he loved, and horrorfying glimpses of what might be.

White, his White, had gotten herself trapped in a web of Truth and Ideals. She had been beaten within an inch of her life by the man who was really pulling Team Plasma’s strings. Broken, bloodied, and left to die alone, had it not been for the kindness of a few members of Team Plasma who had been having second thoughts.

It had happened because he let her go. Because Ingo hadn’t done more to convince White to stay away from the lunatics who had frozen Opelucid City. Could anyone blame him for not wanting her to leave his side? And yet...

“Ingo, check this out!” White slapped a pamphlet for Kalos in front of him, beaming and practically bouncing on her toes. Ingo flipped through the pamphlet, looking up at her with a questioning glance. Kalos was one of the biggest tourist destinations in the world, home to the city of lights and love. A region oozing with foreign flair. He flipped to a page where a picture of Professor Sycamore -absurdly young to be a recognized professional- teaching a class was shown. The page detailed an opportunity for RUU students to spend a semester in Kalos to learn under him. Something unpleasant twisted in Ingo’s stomach. “I’m gonna try and earn one of those spots,” White proclaimed, oblivious to Ingo’s discomfort.

Kalos was miles and miles away. Across the ocean. He wouldn’t be able to protect her-

She’s suffered from internal bleeding from her broken ribs. The muscles around the fractures have become infected. ....blunt force trauma to the head. ...She may never be herself again.

“...go? Ingo!” Reality came back to him in a heartbeat. White, brows creased in concern, had his face cupped in her hands. “Breathe. Follow me, okay? One-two-three, hold-two-three, three-two-one. One-two-three, hold-two-three, three-two-one...”

Ingo eventually relented. Despite the knot of unease that threatened to consume him, he could not force White to stay in Unova. Passionate, vivacious, brilliant White who could never be swayed by others once her heart was set on something. It didn’t surprise him when she had tackled him into a hug, screaming for all the world to hear that she would be going to Kalos to study under Professor Sycamore. One semester. Three months. He...he could do this. It would be fine. She would be fine. He held onto her until the very last minute, commuting everything about her to memory. The smell of her hair product. The warmth of her skin. How perfectly their bodies fit together. Ingo watched her plane fly away until it had vanished completely from sight.

——

Citizens of Kalos. I come to you via the Holo Caster to make an important announcement. Listen well.

The news report had been broadcasted from the television in the break room. Ingo hadn’t been paying attention -wouldn’t have paid attention- if Cameron, White’s father hadn’t turned the volume up.

Team Flare will revive the ultimate weapon, eliminate everyone who isn’t in our group, and return the region to its beautiful, natural state.

A chair crashed to the floor. Cameron had stood, gaping at the television. Pale and trembling and horrorfied beyond words.

Unproductive fools are consuming our future... if nothing changes, Kalos’s poison will spread and raze our world from end to end. I repeat: we will revive the ultimate weapon and wipe the slate clean.

Cameron and Ingo exchanged glances. The terrorfied look of a man powerless to help his daughter. The horrorfied realization that a loved one was going to die.

I’m sorry, to those of you not a member of Team Flare, this is adieu to you all.

The rest of the news report faded away into the ringing in Ingo’s ears. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe.

Cameron made a mad dash out of the room, somehow able to function in light of the news. White was going to die. Ingo ahouldn’t have let her go. This was his fault, just like I what had happened to Emmet was his fault.

HisfaulthisfaulthisfaultyourfaultyourfaultYOURFAULT

He barely registered Emmet finding him. Didn’t respond when his brother tried to rouse him, and was barely aware when Emmet cancled their battles and led them home. Emmet tried calling White. She didn’t answer.

——

Ingo’s knee bounced impatiently as he sat in the too-crowded sitting area of Lumiose City’s train station. So cluttered and disorganized; he had half a mind to find whoever was in charge and tell him how it was done. But he wasn’t here to criticize Kalosians and their lack of proper station management. He had come for one specific purpose. His x-transceiver buzzed on his wrist.

“Okay, so...where are you?” Even through aging speakers, White’s voice was like a beacon of hope and warmth. She was alive. She had claimed to shove her boot into the faces of several Team Flare members after the announcement of their attempted genocide, but Ingo didn’t care about that. She was still alive. She was in the same building. “You’re going to have to help me out. There’s like, a bajillion people here.” Eventually White squeezed her way through the crowd and into Ingo’s line of sight. “Found you.”

Ingo’s distaste for public displays of affection be damned. He ran over and swept White up into his arms like they had been separated for years.

#fanfiction number prompt #I’m kiiiiinda cheating #maybe?#whatever #also #SubMas headcanons!#Ingo and Emmet were in Sinnoh during Platinum/Pearl/Diamond #their parents worked for Cyrus #Emmet saw Giratina in his bathroom mirror and it kind of scarred him for life #Ingo has abandonment issues and a crippling fear of people he cares for leaving him #also Ghetsis is a psycho who would beat a the PC nearly to death if he saw them in BlackWhite 2 #don’t say he wouldn’t #Expressshipping

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aspire-to-the-light · 7 years ago

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Executive momentum 1: Feedback loops and reset points

(Previous)

I tend to fail with abandon. I wake up in the morning feeling unfocused, so I read the news for hours before remembering that I forgot to take my meds. The news links to other news and before I know it I’m reading about politics/war/disasters and feeling distressed about it. When I try to go back and focus on my essay, I’m distracted by curiosity and wanting to google some details of the stuff I read on the news. I feel guilty, and that makes it yet harder to focus, which makes me feel more and more frustrated.

Eventually I realise that in the war between “I want to do distracting time-wasting shit” and “I really ought to do work”, self care got completely forgotten, so I take a shower and eat something and feel somewhat more grounded. This makes my system one certain that the problem is insufficient self-care, and therefore I should play video games for hours to make myself feel better. Even if I do succeed at stopping playing video games after the time I decided to play them for, the video games are now way more salient to my brain, so I’m more tempted to go back to playing them.

After a while I start panicking about how I’m throwing the entire day away, and decide that I really ought to do something, so I stare at my to-do list having decision paralysis about which aversive task to do first. I realise I’m really behind and I haven’t done the tasks I was supposed to do yesterday, so I spend a few hours rescheduling everything so I’ll get things done by their deadlines. While rescheduling, I miss the social event that I was supposed to be going to, so I don’t get the extravert points I need.

People ask if they can help. I ignore them because admitting to being this unproductive would be shameful.

It gets really late, but I’m not tired enough to sleep because I’ve done nothing but lie in bed all day, and besides I feel like I really ought to get at least one task done before I sleep so that I can say I didn’t throw the entire day away. I stay up til 3am reading articles about how to defeat akrasia, too tired to get productive work done, but not tired enough to force me to sleep, and too feeling-like-I-should-be-working to voluntarily go to sleep.

I sleep in the next day and miss a morning appointment...

> “OK, so just don’t fail with abandon. Tell your system one that even if you were supposed to go to sleep at 12:00, and it’s 12:05, that doesn’t mean you need to stay up til 3am. It means you get to sleep at 12:05. Reframe it so that everything’s a scalar of doing more/less well, rather than a binary of everything being good or everything being bad.”

This works a bit, but not completely. This solution fixes the aspect of it which is just in my models - the bit where I’ve failed once, so I believe I’ll fail again, so I’m not motivated to try to succeed. But the problem is not just in the map, it’s also in the territory. Failing once does make it more likely that I’ll fail again.

Spending time on a distracting thing makes it more salient, so I’m more tempted to spend time on it again. If my lack of focus means I forget to take my meds, or my disorganization means I miss an appointment, or my lack of preparation means I don’t make it to an event, that has real consequences. If I don’t get a task done when I was supposed to get it done, I have to reschedule the task for the next day, and sometimes I then have to stare at my schedule for a bit figuring out when I’m going to fit all the tasks in and whether I should cancel some commitments.

If I need to leave at 12:00 to get to an event on time, and it’s 12:05, sometimes that means I should give up on going to the event because being late is worse than skipping (eg. if I’m late to a sports class, I’ll miss the warm-up, and be more likely to be injured).

If your brain works like mine, it’s really important to figure out how resets work.

A reset breaks you out of the feedback loop you’re in. So, you’re in a feedback loop where you don’t do any work, so you feel unproductive and guilty and unfocused and demotivated, so you don’t do any work. Then you go to sleep and wake up again. Much of the time, this resets the feedback loop. Your emotions from yesterday are less salient, you alieve that it’s a new day and a fresh chance, and you start the day with some easy tasks (showering, dressing, breakfast) which lead into some less-easy tasks (checking email, prioritising your to-do list) which lead into harder tasks (writing an essay) and behold, a positive feedback loop!

Very specific resets are easy to figure out. You’re in a negative loop where you don’t keep up with emails, so they build up in your inbox, so there’s an overwhelming amount of emails, so you get avoidant about the emails. So you do a quick sweep through the inbox to check for anything really vital, and then hit “delete all” and start afresh.

More general resets can be harder. You’re in a negative loop where you're having a bad day so you keep having a bad day, and it affects everything - you haven’t kept up with emails, you’ve not done work, you’ve missed appointments, you’ve forgotten your self care, you’ve let distracting-things become salient and available to you - and it’s much harder to figure out how to stop having a bad day.

There are smaller scale resets; sometimes you’re having a bad few hours, so you go to the gym and work off your emotions, and come back feeling refreshed and like you’ve done a worthwhile thing, and get on with work. Showers, gym, naps, coffee breaks, all kinds of thing work on this scale. At small enough scales sometimes it’s just a matter of snapping your fingers in front of your face, saying “snap out of it” in a firm voice, and clearing your mind for a bit.

But sometimes there are much larger scale feedback loops where you’re not having a bad day, you’re having a bad year, and it’s starting to look less like “you got distracted by video games so missed a deadline and now you have even less time because your teachers are insisting on scheduling remedial sessions”, and more like “you didn’t do anything all month so you slipped into depression and didn’t do anything next month so you lost your job so you couldn’t pay for therapy so you had a freakout on all your friends and now you have no social life".

(For clarity, that’s not a feedback loop happening to me. I’m being deliberately exaggerated/extreme to gesture at the worst end of things.)

I don’t know how to make good resets at the larger-scale end of things. In fact, I keep watching people (self very much included) repeatedly fail hard at larger-scale resets, even resets they seem sure will work. “Things will get better after X!” and then things don’t get better but “Things will get better after Y!” but then things don’t get better but “Things will get better after Z!” but then things don’t get better.

Sometimes this is because the reset is mis-targeted. Taking some time off to meditate will fix your “feel guilty so don’t work so feel guilty” problem, but will not fix your “behind on fixing-problems work, so no time for preventing-problems work, so even more fixing-problems work is needed” problem. Planning to catch up on your uni work over the summer break might fix your “I never go to lectures, so it takes ages to find information on my own and write essays, so I don’t have time to go to lectures” problem but will not fix your “I’m not motivated by school, so I underperform, so I feel bad about school” problem. Moving to the Bay might fix your “I don’t feel like I fit in with people here, so I don’t socialise ever, so I don’t know how to fit in” problem but will not fix your “I have social anxiety, so I never go to social things unless I’m specifically invited and encouraged to attend, so nobody knows me well enough to specifically invite me to things” problem.

Sometimes there’s a durable underlying problem that will just start the feedback loop going again after your reset, unless you head it off. Maybe you quit Facebook to kill the “I post on Facebook a lot, so I get notifications about responses a lot, so then I’m always on Facebook and end up posting a lot” loop. But you don’t fix the underlying problem with your executive function and your unmet social needs, so you just end up addicted to Tumblr instead.

Sometimes people just seem to have more of a tendency for negative feedback than positive feedback. When they fail at things they fail hard, but when they succeed they can’t build on it, so negative feedback loops last and become stronger whereas positive feedback loops falter quickly. (Many different small things probably contribute. Feeling more guilty about failures than happy about successes. Or letting tasks overrun and delaying new tasks when you’re slow, but not using the extra-time-created to start new tasks earlier when you finish faster. Or having resets like distractions kill your positive loops, but not interrupt your negative loops.)

The most important thing I’ve found is to have a clear idea of what sustains your negative feedback loops. It’ll be lots of things, but there’s usually a major one - for me I think it’s that the more I procrastinate the more I want to procrastinate. (I game for a while, so I end up caring about my ranking in the game, so I want to game more. I spend time on tumblr, so the Discourse becomes salient, and my brain comes up with more Discoursey thoughts it wants to talk about. I get into stupid arguments, so I’m emotional about stupid arguments and want to spend all my time shouting at people. I do some conlanging, so conlanging is super available and I end up thinking about it rather than thinking about my work.)

The other important thing I’ve found is to have regular, automatic resets that you really alieve will work. So, you don’t fall deep into a negative feedback loop, realise everything’s going wrong, and struggle to figure out a good reset from within your not-particularly-great-mind-state; resets happen regularly anyway. Sleep is like this; every morning gets you a new day, which most people alieve at least slightly is a little bit of a fresh start. Though sleep has the drawback that it breaks positive loops just as easily as it breaks negative ones. I find regular exercise sessions are great, because they feel productive enough and leave me alive-feeling enough that they don’t break positive loops, but they absolutely smash negative loops.

Bigger resets are somewhat harder to find. New Year works like this for me, and I have a bunch of rituals that help make sure it’s a really good reset (resolutions I alieve I’ll keep! a blank new calendar! letter to myself in a year!), and whether my New Year is good and my rituals go well actually ends up being a fairly good predictor of how much stuff I’ll get done in January and February. Getting more things that work like New Year works seems like a fairly important project that I don’t quite know how to start on.

(Next)

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builder051 · 7 years ago

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Look at this photograph (Criminal Minds sickfic)

This is a repost from A03. I also write Criminal Minds. Here! Look!

I’m not exactly 100% happy with how this came out, but people seem to really like it. I know the title kind of sucks.

Contains migraines and vomiting, as well as mentions of violence (what do you expect? it’s criminal minds.)

When Spencer arrives at the BAU, he has the vague feeling that something’s off. It has nothing to do with the packet of disturbing photos waiting on his desk. Unfortunately, teenaged girls with bashed in faces aren’t too unusual in his line of work. Spencer fills his coffee mug, adds sugar, and sits to peruse the file. Hotch and Garcia will certainly fill in the details when the team moves to the conference room in a few minutes, but Spencer likes to try to deduce as much as he can first.

The pictures show three girls, all with long, stringy light brown hair, crumpled on the floor in various untidy rooms. The background of the images looks like the low-pile carpet and dark paneled walls common in mobile homes. These girls were probably the sweethearts of their trailer trash community. Why would someone kill them?

Spencer takes another swig of coffee. He can practically feel the warm liquid running into his stomach, and it’s less comforting than usual. It feels sloshy, almost sickening. The sensation of not-quite-rightness is back, and now it’s amplified. Spencer wonders vaguely if he’s coming down with something, but he doesn’t feel ill. He has a mild headache, but that’s normal considering the cloudy weather and his usual insomnia. Conditions are rife for a migraine, but the usual vision-stealing aura doesn’t seem to be approaching. Spencer’s stomach feels fine, but he has no appetite, apparently not even for coffee. He doesn’t feel feverish, but he has a desire to curl in on himself and pull his wool sweater tightly around his body. He doesn’t feel good. Not in the sense that he necessarily feels sick. Just that the needle on the meter of his physical well-being is stuck in neutral; it hasn’t ticked up into the green zone of good.

Spencer opens his top desk drawer and gazes down at the contents. It’s a disorganized mass of small office supplies and random items. A spare roll of tape sits partially on top of several large rubber bands and beside a miniature figurine of the Incredible Hulk. Two bottles of Excedrin and a bottle of ibuprofen float in the mess, and Spencer briefly considers which he wants. He’s not really in pain, but craves something to take away his discomfort. Better over-the-counter than something else.

He chooses the Excedrin since it contains caffeine and he seems to be having trouble getting his fix in liquid form today. Spencer dry swallows two pills, remembering and subsequently ignoring that he should probably take them with food. He leaves the bottle out on the desk, upside-down, and looks back at the photos in the file.

Spencer’s suddenly filled with apathy. He’s looked, made some deductions. He’ll learn more in the briefing. Given their track record, the team will probably catch the perp. And none of it will bring back three dead girls. Spencer folds his arms on top of the desk and lowers his head to rest on his hands.

He closes his eyes and flips through a series of mental photographs. One of the younger murdered girls laying on a pink bedspread on the floor, a stack of toppled Nancy Drew hardcovers beside her. Morgan leaning confidently against the driver side door of his new black BMW, arms crossed and mirrored sunglasses covering his smiling eyes. The evergreen-colored pill bottle sitting cap down on Spencer’s dark wood desk, the expiration date showing that he had approximately three months to generate enough headaches to finish the bottle before it becomes ineffective.

“You ok, Spence?” a soft, slightly concerned voice says from over his right shoulder. Spencer slowly sits upright to avoid dizziness. Nonetheless, vertigo catches up by the time he swivels his chair to see the speaker. It’s JJ, her eyebrows furrowed.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Spencer says, rubbing the back of his hand across his forehead, which feels like it might bear an imprint of his sweater’s cable-knit cuff. He pulls his eyes down from her face to the pale tan folders she holds against her chest. Spencer closes the file on his desk and snatches it up, sending the Excedrin bottle tumbling in the process.

JJ tracks the green plastic as it rolls across the desk and bounces onto the floor. Spencer quickly bends to retrieve it, and his sinuses throb as he tosses it back onto the desk surface. “Headache?” JJ asks.

It’s hard to lie to JJ, even when she hasn’t seen the evidence. Spencer mentally smooths out a half-truth before saying, “Yeah, just didn’t sleep that well.” He did have a fractured night—real sleep from 11:30 to 3, then a series of nightmare-punctuated drowses until he finally just got up at 4:45 and flopped on the couch with the War and Peace audiobook. He neglects to mention that he’s been through the same routine every night for the past 27 days.

“It’s tough when we can barely count on 12 hours at home before it’s time for another case,” JJ says as the two of them start across the bullpen to the conference room. “Hopefully we’re going somewhere far away so you can nap on the jet…”

They’re not. The murders occurred relatively nearby in Appalachian coal country, where the local population’s collectively ill with poverty, black lung disease, and water contamination. It’s under an hour to fly to West Virginia, complete with takeoff and landing procedures. The flight’s uncomfortable, but Spencer white-knuckles his way through it, hoping no one makes assumptions based on his pale face and aversion to the coffee machine. Approaching weather creates turbulence and adds to the uneasiness in Spencer’s stomach.

Once they’ve landed and exited out to the cloudy runway strip, he sticks with JJ and slides into the backseat of one of the local police cruisers that’s waiting to drive the team into town. He puts up barriers with his demeanor to ensure no one tries asking if he’s ok. Not just because he’s annoyed and embarrassed, but because he still doesn’t really know. He feels slightly better after leaving the jet, but the weather system is adding pressure to the headache and his stomach is stuck in the not-quite-nauseous state that follows eating too much birthday cake or chugging some revolting vegetable juice. Like the body is saying I don’t need to actively reject it, but I just want to reinforce that I don’t like this. So here, feel sick for a while and think about your actions.

***

He makes it through the day on a stream of I’m busy and have we looked into this angle yet? Spencer hasn’t taken a second to think about himself, though he’s still sitting on the verge of unwell. When it’s time for dinner, he’s out of excuses.

The whole team knows he’s barely eaten all day, and there’s only one restaurant in town that’s not a fast-food joint. Emily rounds up some borrowed umbrellas from the local PD, and the team proceeds to walk across the street for a shared meal. Spencer’s so tired he’d rather go back to the hotel and try to sleep, but there’s no way he’ll get out of dinner without serious inquiries about his health.

Once in the diner, the six profilers are herded into an enormous round booth, which is touted as the best seat in the house. Spencer tries to position himself on the end, but Morgan slides in beside him at the last minute. Their server passes around menus and promises to return with water that no one plans on drinking.

Spencer scans the menu, not really taking in the list of homestyle, greasy fare. The whole place has a slightly stale, oily scent. He sets the laminated pamphlet on the sticky table surface. His hands are trembling, so he can’t hold it steady.

It’s hot, especially with the booth’s close quarters. Spencer feels his forehead, hands, and feet growing clammy, and suddenly he’s overwhelmingly nauseated. He leans back in the booth and takes a deep breath, willing the feeling to pass.

Morgan looks up from his menu and glances at Spencer, who imagines all color has drained from his face. “You ok?” Morgan asks.

Spencer fully intends to respond that he’s fine, but when he opens his mouth, he feels like vomit might come with the words. He stands and gestures for Morgan to get up and let him out of the booth. “Just—sorry,” he chokes.

Spencer walks quickly but smoothly to the bathroom, trying not to jostle his stomach. He pushes into the stall without bothering to lock the door and immediately retches over the toilet. There’s nothing to bring up, but his body still contracts, intent on expelling something even if it’s just air and saliva.

The second heave is just as unproductive, but it leaves Spencer dizzy and off-balance. His knees give out, and he grips the wobbly toilet seat and sinks down onto the unclean floor. Spencer feels like his eyes are rolling up in his head as he retches a third time and finally vomits. It’s barely a tablespoon of bile, so sour it makes his eyes water and leaves him coughing.

“Reid?” A voice says his name, and the sound is muddled with footsteps, the creak of the stall door, and Spencer’s own ragged breathing. There’s a hand on his shoulder, light and comforting. Feels like Morgan.

“Alright, it’s ok,” Morgan soothes as Spencer hacks. Strings of mucous hang into the toilet. A final dry heave works its way up from Spencer’s contracting abdomen, and he grunts from the pain and bitter saliva.

“It’s alright,” Morgan intones again, sweeping his hand between Spencer’s shoulder blades. Spencer shudders and coughs, then tries to spit out as much of the bitter taste as he can. His eyes and nose are dripping, and his entire body feels damp and dirty. Contaminated. Like he’s sweating out toxins that are collecting on his skin.

“Ok,” Morgan says calmly, still gently rubbing Spencer’s back. They sit there, Spencer still hanging over the toilet, for a silent moment. Then Morgan asks. “Think you’re done?”

Spencer hopes he is. The imminent nausea has passed, but he still has an aching stomach, raw throat, and dizzy head. “Yeah,” he croaks, pushing up on his arms and lifting his head and chest from the toilet seat. Spencer turns his body and leans against the stall wall, slouching so his head doesn’t come into contact with the toilet paper dispenser.

“Ok, good,” Morgan says. He reaches up and flushes the toilet, though it still looks clean. He leans against the stall wall opposite Spencer, their legs awkwardly crunched and touching knee-to-knee in the small space.

Another minute of quiet passes, then Morgan invites conversation. “Talk to me, pretty boy,” he says. “What’s going on with you?”

Spencer takes a deep breath. “I, uh,” he starts, throat still raw and sore. “I don’t know. I was fine. Then just got really nauseated…”

“Yeah, got that part,” Morgan says, still calm, but with a hint of impatient sarcasm. “But you’ve been off your game since this morning. Tell me, for real, what’s up with you today? You think you’re sick?”

Spencer shakes his head and looks down at his knees, avoiding Morgan’s gaze.

“Do you have a migraine?” Morgan asks, offering another explanation for Spencer to grasp.

It would be easy to just nod an affirmative, but Spencer lacks the motivation even to do that. He shrugs

“Kid,” Morgan warns. It’s clear his subtext says don’t lie to me.

“I have a—a headache,” he says, pausing to swallow. “Not that bad. Not light-sensitive. At least not yet.” Spencer tries to explain, closing his eyes and massaging his forehead.

“Is it making your stomach sick?” Morgan presses.

“No,” Spencer sighs. Then, “I don’t know.” He can’t even begin to explain what he’s feeling. He can’t even begin to understand it.

“Ok,” Morgan says. “Have you eaten today?”

Spencer swallows hard again and still doesn’t make eye contact when he slowly shakes his head. “Not hungry.”

“Yeah, I know.” Morgan places a hand on Spencer’s knee. “But you’re probably nauseous because you’re empty. You’re just completely out of energy, and your body’s freaking out.”

Spencer vaguely nods. He knows this. The unsettledness is returning, but not in an urgent way. It’s just annoying. And exacerbated by the growing feeling of stupidity Morgan’s questions are bringing on.

“You’re probably dehydrated,” Morgan continues. “D’you want—”

Spencer interrupts him with a hoarsely muttered, “Can you stop?” Spencer’s on the verge of tears, and he isn’t completely sure why.

“What? Yeah, kid. Sorry,” Morgan backtracks, getting his voice back to pure comforting calm. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just worried about you. We all are.”

Spencer exhales and presses fingers to the corners of his eyes. “I know,” he whispers. “I just…I feel all…” He tries to find a word for the turbulence of physical and mental sensations swirling inside him, but all he can come up with is profanity. “…fucked up,” Spencer says. “And I don’t know why.”

“It’s alright,” Morgan reassures.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You don’t have to now,” Morgan says. “You don’t have to talk to me. But eventually Hotch has to know.”

All Spencer can do is sigh. “Yeah.”

Morgan gives him another minute, then asks, “You ready to get up?”

“I don’t want to go back out.”

“You have to, eventually,” Morgan says. “You’ll probably feel a lot better once you drink some water, have something to eat…”

“But I don’t—” Spencer has a hard time getting the words out. “I don’t want to talk to anyone.” He feels like shit, and he’s mortified about it. The other profilers are probably just worried and eager to help, but to Spencer, it’s overwhelming.

Morgan pats Spencer’s knee again. “How about I go back out first. I can tell them you’re not feeling so good, and you want to be left alone,” he offers.

Spencer thinks for a moment, and silently nods.

“Ok, good,” Morgan affirms, starting to his feet. He holds out a hand to Spencer, who accepts it and shakily finds his way upright. He’s trembling all over, and he pauses to make sure the vertigo at the edges of his vision will stay at bay.

Spencer exits the stall and shuffles to the sink, where he turns on the water but doesn’t make a move to wash. Instead he braces both arms on the porcelain and glances at his reflection in the spotted mirror. He’s pale to the point of ghostliness, and his hair clings to his forehead with clammy sweat. The armpits of his oxford are also soaked through. He thinks about buttoning his cardigan to cover the damp stains, but it seems like far too much effort.

Morgan offers a paper towel, which Spencer takes, partially wadding it up so he can hold it and brace on the sink at the same time. “You alright?” Morgan checks in.

“Yeah…” Spencer says spacily, looking down at the running water between his hands. He knows he probably looks ready to pass out.

“You’ll be ok by yourself?”

“Yeah.” Spencer forces his voice to come out more confidently.

“Ok. If you’re not out in 5 minutes, I’m coming back for you,” Morgan says as he opens the bathroom door and steps outside.

Spencer slowly releases the sink with one hand and dips it in the stream of icy tap water. He knows he shouldn’t drink it, what with all the mining contamination, but he should be safe to wash up. Cool down.

He actually can’t really tell if he’s hot or cold. The sensation playing over his skin isn’t the heat that comes with nausea or the chill that comes with fever. It’s more like the prickling of a thousand tiny cockroach feet.

Spencer splashes his face, catching his hair as he bends over the sink. Then he pats his skin with the rough paper towel. Vertigo almost overwhelms him when he takes his second hand away from the porcelain handhold, but he inhales the slightly woody scent of the paper towel and forces himself to remain upright.

Besides removing some residual bile from around his mouth, the hasty wash job does nothing to make Spencer feel better. He still feels filthy, like a greasy, germy teenager. He takes a deep breath, swallows foul-tasting mucousy saliva, and slips out of the bathroom.

***

Once the dinner bill is paid, the team exits the restaurant and opens umbrellas against the drizzle. The general intent is to walk back to the Police Station and get in a few more hours work, but Spencer knows he can’t join in. He wants nothing more than to sleep (or at least try to sleep) so he won’t have to feel so awkwardly unwell for a while.

He doesn’t get a chance to speak up, though. Hotch claps a hand on his shoulder and says, “You need to go to the hotel and rest.”

Spencer doesn’t reply. Hotch continues, “I’ll walk with you.” Then, to the rest of the team, “Don’t wait for me. Get as much done as you can.”

They split up, Hotch and Spencer heading down the block to the Holiday Inn while everyone else crosses the street. Spencer feels the toast Morgan forced him to eat sitting heavily in his stomach. There’s no way he’ll get out of talking. He tries to remind himself that it’s not that bad. Telling the truth is not hard. It’s just the lingering feeling of stupidity that bothers him as he struggles to explain what and why he’s feeling.

Once in the hotel, they ride the elevator up to Spencer’s room. Spencer fumbles the key card into the door slot, then steps over the threshold and sinks down on the end of the bed. Hotch pulls the chair over from the desk in the corner and sits opposite.

“Reid,” Hotch says.

Spencer doesn’t make eye contact.

“I know you’re not feeling well. And you don’t like getting attention like this,” Hotch continues. “But I need to know what’s going on with you. Not because I don’t think you can take care of yourself, but we have three dead girls and a killer on the loose. The team can’t work at its best if you’re not honest with me. And we need the team working at its best right now.”

Spencer sighs and finally raises his head. He feels like crying. His sinuses are heavy and there’s immense pressure behind his eyes and in his forehead.

“I just…” Spencer starts, “I just feel bad. My head hurts and I keep getting nauseous. My whole body is just…uncomfortable,” he tries to explain. “It’s not—I don’t think I have a fever or anything.”

“I know you haven’t been eating,” Hotch says. “Sleeping?”

Spencer shrugs. “Sometimes. Have a hard time most nights.”

“You’ve been having migraines.” It’s not a question.

Spencer tightly closes his eyes and presses the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “Yeah, but…” he whispers. “I mean, I’m not…I don’t really know. If this is aura, it’s different from how it’s been before.” He takes a deep breath and grasps for any semblance of composure.

Hotch’s hand comes down on Spencer’s knee. “I have to ask. Have you taken anything?”

He knows his supervisor means hard drugs, but Spencer can still barely whisper, “Excedrin.”

“Did it help?”

“No.” The word hardly escapes Spencer’s lips when the dam breaks. His eyes are wet behind his fingers and his breath is caught up in a painful sob.

“It’s alright,” Hotch soothes. He increases the pressure on Spencer’s knee.

Spencer sobs again. He feels his heart beating fast and hard, and his head throbs in time with it. Vertigo assaults him, and Spencer leans forward to rest elbows on knees and head in hands. Hotch’s comforting touch jumps up to Spencer’s shoulder.

Spencer takes a deep inhale and wills the dizziness down, but it turns to nausea anyway. He focuses on his feet, not quite toe-to-toe with Hotch and tries to tell himself he’s fine. The next sob brings on an excess of bitter saliva, and Spencer swallows thickly.

“Reid?” Hotch questions, fatherly instincts kicking in.

“I—” he swallows again. “’M sorry, I think I’m gonna throw up.” Spencer struggles upright, almost tripping over Hotch and unsure of what to do with his arms.

“Ok, yep,” Hotch intones as he stands and hovers at Spencer’s shoulder as the younger man moves to the bathroom.

Spencer bends over the toilet and sobs until a gag cuts him off. Half a slice of undigested toast and a few sips of water don’t take long to expel, but time feels suspended, and both retches and sobs taste bad and make his stomach muscles hurt. He’s so dizzy he’s half afraid he’ll fall forward and drown in the toilet water.

Spencer isn’t sure how much time has elapsed when his stomach finally stops spasaming and he feels comfortable moving away from the toilet. He uses the edge of the counter to pull himself upright and drag himself over to the sink. Spencer rinses his mouth with the probably-not-safe-to-drink water and buries his face in a hand towel.

He’s shaking horribly. Everything, from his fingers to his lips feel clumsy and freezing. The only thing he wants is to lie down so maybe his surroundings will move from painful back into ordinary. Spencer drops the towel onto the counter and slowly steps back toward the bedroom.

He gets as far as the door when his legs give out. So does his vision, and he has no idea where he is for a moment. Then an arm catches him around the chest and the world does a dizzying swoop as everything rights itself.

And finally, finally the skull-splitting pain hits. It’s almost a relief.

“Hey, ok, take it easy,” Hotch says. “Reid, you with me?” He gets his arm solidly around Spencer’s shoulders.

Spencer swallows and tries to respond. His throat is raw and full of snot, his very brain is being sawed in half, and his “yeah,” comes out as a hoarse croak. He coughs and shifts his feet so he’s steadier. “oh, god.”

“Alright, the bed’s right here.” Hotch supports Spencer the five or so feet, and Spencer immediately sits and curls onto his side on top of the quilt. Tears are leaking from his eyes again, and every part of him is trembling.

Hotch’s phone rings. The ringtone indicates it’s one of the BAU team members. Hotch answers, and Spencer covers his face with his hand and feels guilty all over again. Someone’s probably found something, actions probably need to be taken. The team leader should be there at the police station, not here putting Spencer to bed.

“Hi, JJ,” Hotch says. Spencer can hear JJ’s voice on the other end of the line, but it’s too soft to understand the words.

“He’s uh…” Hotch sighs. “He’s not good right now.” She must have asked how Spencer is doing. Another wave of guilt slams into him, worsening his headache. Now he’s distracting JJ too.

“He’s upset. He got sick and almost passed out,” Hotch says. Spencer doesn’t want to hear it, and he wonders why Hotch doesn’t leave the room. Either he’s afraid to take his eyes of Spencer, or he wants him to hear what he’s saying.

“Yeah, I think maybe the pain finally hit. He’s very dehydrated, and that’s what’s worrying me. And we don’t have any drinkable water here.”

There’s a long pause as JJ’s voice sounds again. Then Hotch says, “Ok, let me see if he’s up to it.” He holds the phone to his chest and crouches beside Spencer. “JJ wants to talk to you. Is that ok? Do you want to talk to her?”

Spencer’s first thought is no, he does not want to talk to JJ. She’s probably his closest friend, and she’ll do everything in her power to make him feel better. But Spencer’s not weak, he does not need help. Especially for something ridiculous like anxiety and a headache. But in his state of severe discomfort, all Spencer can do is nod and reach up for the phone as tears flood his eyes.

Spencer takes a shaky breath.

“Spence?” JJ asks gently. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Spencer whispers.

“You really don’t feel good, huh?”

It’s one of those questions where yes and no mean the same thing. “Eh,” Spencer replies, trying not to sob into the phone.

“Is it your head?”

“Yeah.” He’d gladly go to a guillotine for relief.

“And your stomach?”

“Yeah, I don’t know. ‘s just everything. Hurts. Doesn’t feel right.”

“Oh, Spence. Can I come see you? Maybe get you something to drink so we can get you feeling better?”

“But…the case?” Spencer asks.

“The internet is so slow it’ll probably take another hour or two for anything to turn up. We’ve got Garcia on it back in Quantico. It’s a miracle this call hasn’t broken up yet.” She pauses for a second. “Is it ok if I come see you? We’re probably gonna call it a night here.”

Emotion crashes through him again as Spencer tightens his grip on the phone. “Yes. Please, JJ. Yeah.”

“Ok. I’ll be there soon. I’ll be right there.” She hangs up, and Spencer slowly moves the device away from his ear and returns it to Hotch.

Spencer stays curled on his side on the bed. Hotch removes Spencer’s shoes for him and offers to help him into a more comfortable position, but Spencer declines. He must have drifted into a light sleep, because all of a sudden someone’s saying his name and pushing his hair off his forehead.

“Spence.” It’s JJ.

Spencer doesn’t open his eyes, but he doesn’t think he’ll be able to see even if he does. Bright silver-white shimmers poke at his left eye, making it water with more than just impending tears. Aura’s supposed to come first. He’s so off track he can’t even have a migraine properly.

Before he can form another coherent thought, he’s sitting up, his head swimming, and pressing his face into her stomach.

“Hey, Spence,” JJ whispers. “Alright.” She wraps her arms around his head and shoulders, pressing him to her.

Every single thing that’s ever been right or wrong or harrowing or painful seems to flash behind Spencer’s eyelids as he leans into the embrace. His confused non-childhood, his mother’s illness, leftover PTSD and quirks from months on dilaudid, the inability to relate to other people, the debilitating headaches with no apparent cause…all of it falls in big, salty tears.

***

When Spencer wakes next, it’s still dark. No light filters through the hotel room’s cheap curtains. Spencer’s grateful; he’s positive any errant sunshine would send him heaving over the edge of the bed. The pain’s settled in his right temple, and if it weren’t so damn incapacitating, he’d be relieved.

Spencer struggles to remember exactly what happened after JJ came into the room. Everything in the past 24 hours seems like a painful blur, but that length of time’s especially blank. There were comforts and kind words, Spencer thinks, then water and Gatorade and vomit. Or maybe he’d been sick before she arrived. It hardly matters now.

The mattress dips a millimeter, and Spencer rides the resulting wave of queasy agony. JJ’s still here, he realizes, lying behind him, fully clothed, on top of the slick hotel comforter.

“You ok?” she asks sleepily.

“Hm,” Spencer affirms. “Ok.”

“Feel better?”

Spencer’s torn. Physically, it’s about the same as it was last night when the puzzle pieces realigned themselves into garden-variety migraine territory. Which is to say his head feels like it’s going to fall off, his stomach’s in knots, and his eyesight’s completely shot. But in terms of knowing what he’s up against, the reprieve is almost magical. A day or two of hellacious headaches is manageable, it’s the devil he knows rather than the void of anxiety and depression and drug cravings that he wishes he doesn’t.

“I’ll be ok,” he whispers.

“How about right now?” JJ doesn’t miss a beat, even when she’s half asleep.

Spencer doesn’t answer. JJ fills in the blank. “Still not so good?”

She’s up on her feet before Spencer can protest, bringing Excedrin and Gatorade.

“You don’t have to stay. You should rest,” Spencer whispers after he’s painfully hauled himself upright so he can swallow the pills.

“I have Henry. I’m used to being up at all hours,” JJ replies with a wan smile. “Besides, someone’s gotta look out for you when you’ve got a headache. Remind you to take fluids. Otherwise you’re no use to the team.”

The eye contact she initiates says so much more than the sentence. When you’ve got a headache may as well have been when you cry about your mom or crave long-gone drugs or claw through depression or need to mourn three dead girls. Someone’s gotta remind you to take care of yourself.

“I don’t mean that you can’t do it on your own.” JJ echoes Hotch’s words from earlier in the evening.

“Yeah,” Spencer sighs. He realizes with a sudden onset of exhaustion that it’s not bothering him much anymore. He has done a shit job of getting himself through any of it. Maybe it is that dose of human contact he struggles so much with that actually makes all the difference. “I, uh, I really appreciate it.”

“I’d do it for anyone I care about,” JJ murmurs. She rescues the Gatorade from Spencer’s softening grip. “I don’t know what I did before you joined up,” she continues in a whisper. “You’re like my brother now.”

As Spencer drifts asleep again, he turns through pages of mental photographs again. Bumper-to-bumper Los Vegas traffic. Lonely country roads. Three dead girls who deserve justice. Hotchbending to unlace Spencer’s shoes. JJ lining up bottles of water along the edge of the bedside table.

He knows what’s important.

And he thinks he might just feel a little better.

#fanfic #sickfic #criminal minds #migraines #emeto #spencer reid #emetophilia #cm #tv #tv show #fanfiction #reid whump

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phynxrizng · 7 years ago

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DAILY ASTROLOGY REPORTS AND HOROSCOPES FOR, 10 -6-17

Astrology Cafe

Daily Astrology ABOUT TODAY DAILY MONTHLY CHART You are here: Home / Daily Astrology / Astrology of Today – Friday, October 6, 2017 Astrology of Today – Friday, October 6, 2017

Oct 5, 2017 by Annie Leave a Comment

The Moon is in Aries until 7:55 PM, after which the Moon is in Taurus. The Moon is void from 6:37 PM to 7:55 PM. The Moon is waning and in its Full Moon phase. The Full Moon occurred yesterday in the sign of Aries, and the Last Quarter Moon will occur on October 12th. **Times are EDT. Horoscopes

Aries

Aries Unfinished business can weigh heavily on you today, dear Aries. You continue to enjoy creative and romantic opportunities today, but there can be some inner unrest or vague tensions related to matters that you’ve been avoiding. For some of you, conflicting options are on the table, and you can feel uncharacteristically indecisive. Conversations and interactions can be pleasant but also convoluted or amounting to nothing solid or substantial, just for now. You might decide to take a time-out from heavy thinking and to consider ways to handle the matters that have you feeling uncertain at some point when you feel more confident.

Taurus

Taurus There can be a small (and temporary) dip in confidence about recent decisions and choices, dear Taurus, but this is only part of the natural ebb and flow of things. In fact, it’s a signal to slow down and make adjustments or take a well-earned break from overthinking things. You have Mercury in your solar sixth house these days, encouraging you to notice the details and handle the problems, but today, it’s too easy to become distracted to really sink your teeth into something. Distractions are likely to take the form of friends or ambiguities in your social life, but can take many different shapes now! In fact, if your heart’s not entirely in it, procrastination becomes more attractive. Keep in mind that negotiations can be tough today, as there is information that is not yet known or that’s easy to overlook. The Moon enters your sign tonight, and the urge to start over takes hold.

Gemini

Gemini Neptune in your career, life path, and performance sector is forming mildly challenging aspects today, dear Gemini, and ambiguities related to your general life direction or responsibilities and duties can interfere with your good mood at times! It can be challenging to make satisfying decisions as a result or to get entirely comfortable with unfinished or uncertain business at the back of your mind. You’d do best to avoid revealing something private or speaking too soon today. Swinging from overly logical to overly fantastical ideas of a person or situation is likely and wildly unproductive. If you’re paying too much attention to details and neglecting to let your intuition guide you, you won’t arrive at useful conclusions. Aim to make some peace with uncertainty and have faith that things will fill in when you need answers.

Cancer

Cancer Feelings of restlessness may be stirred today, dear Cancer, but it can be difficult to know what’s wrong at first. You are seeking a little more meaning from life than usual, but there is a general feeling of being in limbo today with Neptune prominent and in irritating aspect. Part of you wants to find reliable answers and to apply logic to emotional matters, but ignoring your imagination or intuition will get you further from the truth. A lack of confidence in your perceptions makes matters worse, and the trick is to let go of the craving for facts and to let things be just for now. Inspiration can’t be forced, so let it come to you naturally. The same goes for intuition. Stepping back from a problem can help. Plans may not pan out to the letter today, but sidetracking may very well lead to new ideas.

Leo

Leo You could be swinging from fact-finding and daydreaming today, dear Leo, having difficulty getting the full picture of a situation. This can mean you miss the mark now so wait for the big decisions, if possible. Consider your ideals and how to incorporate them in satisfying ways into your current projects and pursuits. Ignoring them won’t sit right with you. While you could find others aren’t quite getting what you mean today, you’re still in fair shape for independent work. The Moon’s move to the top of your solar chart tonight launches a cycle, lasting a couple of days, which puts added emphasis on work and performance.

Virgo

Virgo As much as you’d like to be mentally present and sharp today, Virgo, distractions are plenty. You have a strong desire to sort out your practical affairs and reason things out, but ambiguities in a relationship could make it difficult to concentrate fully on the task at hand for some of you. Confusion or feeling a little on your own now can play with your head, and factual thinking can suffer a bit just for now. Avoid excesses, which may be a symptom of mental unrest. If you can’t seem to get a conversation in sync, try not to take it personally, as it’s likely just a hiccup. Uncertainty can sometimes help give you a rest, but you have to allow this to happen instead of trying to force a solid answer. Your desire to investigate or uncover something hidden is big, but it can stir up some problems if you take it too far. Let inspiration come to you rather than try to force it.

Libra

Libra There can be something missing from your observations that can lead to poor decisions, dear Libra, unless you wait things out. It can be difficult for you to see the whole picture as you either approach a situation too rationally or with too much imagination. This is temporary, of course, so don’t worry too much about it. However, it would be a good idea to take your time with choices and decisions and avoid hard and fast commitments just for now. Vague physical and emotional complaints or disorganization can be the culprit. If you let your mind run idle, you might find yourself worrying needlessly over the tiniest of things, making you feel very irritable and restless. However, there is also good energy for creating something beautiful or good memories! Working independently may be the trick now.

Scorpio

Scorpio This is not an ideal day for making commitments or final decisions, dear Scorpio, as you have a hard time seeing the whole picture. You could be swinging from overly factual thinking to imaginative thinking, but if you can’t combine the two, you’re missing something. Or, your thought processes are going in circles because you need a break from overthinking. An event may force you to pay attention to something you typically would avoid, and you can have strong feelings about it. There can be a triggering of buried feelings today. Treat any of these as chances to rid yourself of old resentments. If you’ve been denying yourself moments to unwind completely, you could feel as if you’re coming apart at the seams, and it’s time to seek out some healthy escapes!

Sagittarius

Sagittarius You may have some difficulty enjoying yourself entirely today, Sagittarius, as unfinished business may be hanging around at the back of your mind. Concentration suffers today. Doubts in recent choices and decisions could crop up, and you’re just not seeing others very clearly, either. You might notice an inconsistency in an idea, plan, or conversation, and this can nag at you. These are simply signs to take a bit more time to understand a situation before pressing forward. Uncertainties may be insecurities in disguise. The Moon’s move into your work and health sector tonight, where it will stay for a couple of days, is another signal that it’s time to make adjustments rather than big moves.

Capricorn

Capricorn It may be better not to communicate too quickly today, as what you say now may not go over as you intend, dear Capricorn. Mercury and Neptune are in disagreement today, and it can be difficult seeing the whole picture as a result. If we want to understand all of the layers of a situation, it’s far better to have these two planets in agreement. Your intuition and mind are not necessarily in tune right now, so misrepresentation is entirely possible now, and because Mercury is at the top of your chart, people are listening to you more than usual. What you say can attract attention! Take a healthy break if you can, as you may be overthinking things. If you’re not in the position to do so, try to tackle one thing at a time as it can be chaotic otherwise.

Aquarius

Aquarius With Neptune in your resources sector challenged today, dear Aquarius, uncertainties about money, income, or your own worth can be at the root of restlessness or distractions. It’s not an ideal time to make a big decision or to draw an important conclusion, as perceptions are skewed by insecurities. Generally speaking these days, you’re intrigued by new experiences and ideas, but today, the lack of clear plan or worry over unfinished business can put a bit of a damper on things. This can simply mean making some adjustments or slowing down to catch your breath and gain perspective. Make peace with the idea that you may not have all the answers right now, but they’ll fill in as you go along. Hanging in limbo is the alternative, but it’s uncomfortable and won’t get you anywhere except frustrated. The Moon’s move into your home and family sector tonight also points to the need for more rest.

Pisces

Pisces Neptune in your sign (and your ruling planet) meets with some minor challenges today, dear Pisces, and as a result, you can feel slightly off your game or out of synch with others temporarily. Personal interests and distractions can take you away from your work or duties, but it may also be that you need a break from overthinking. This can very well be a signal to take a break or healthy escape. As much as you’d like to see a matter clearly, particularly related to joint ventures, money, or resources, you’re unlikely to have the full picture now. There is a scattered feel to the day, but tonight, when the Moon enters your communications sector, you find it easy to discover interesting things to think and talk about. It can be a more pleasant busy. Take the time to think about how insecurities or lack of organization may be interfering with your pursuit of business or practical affairs and independence.

* Remember to read horoscopes for your Ascendant sign and Sun sign. If you don’t know your Ascendant sign (and you know your birth time), you can look it up here.

If Your Birthday is October 6th, If Today is Your Birthday full horoscope here.

Astrology of Today – The Details:

If you’re astrologically inclined and interested in the details of the Astrology of today, here are some of the factors considered in the forecasts (for the astrology of the week, see This Week in Astrology):

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 7:55 pm Event: Moon enters Taurus Description: The Moon in Taurus This is a time for settling in, establishing and maintaining routines, and consolidating existing projects. We are building and developing. We crave predictability, stability, and security. This time favors ongoing projects and activities more than new ones.

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 6:37 pm Event: Moon goes void of course

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 2:20 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon Qnx Mar Description: Transiting Moon Quincunx Transiting Mars There can be tension and feelings of restlessness or impatience, as what we want to do may not feel perfectly right, or we may be lacking the courage. Avoid taking it out on the wrong things or people.

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 2:58 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon Qnx Ven Description: Transiting Moon Quincunx Transiting Venus Love relationships or feelings can be unsettled. There can be a conflict experienced between family and friends/lovers, or between comfort and the pursuit of pleasure. Try to relax and not obsess, and show restraint.

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 7:26 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon Tri Sat Description: Transiting Moon Trine Transiting Saturn An auspicious time for any project demanding endurance or tolerance. Also good for establishing new habits and rituals.

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 8:20 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon Tri Nod Description: Transiting Moon Trine Transiting North Node A good time for dealing with the public, for making connections, and for taking positive steps towards a personal or professional goal. You are able to make changes. This is a feel-good time for embracing new opportunities.

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 9:42 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon Pll Ven Description: Transiting Moon Parallel Transiting Venus

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 9:43 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon Pll Mar Description: Transiting Moon Parallel Transiting Mars

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 10:49 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon Cpl Sun Description: Transiting Moon ContraParallel Transiting Sun

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 2:57 pm Event: Tr-Tr Mon SSq Nep Description: Transiting Moon SemiSquare Transiting Neptune If we are not in touch with our need for inspiration, beauty, compassion, connection to something otherworldly, or our spirituality, we could feel out of sorts right now. Relaxing, listening to music, getting close to nature, or taking a break may resolve this.

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 2:58 pm Event: Tr-Tr Mon Cnj Ura Description: Transiting Moon Conjunction Transiting Uranus Be open to new ideas. Spontaneity is the order of the day. You are free to explore new unexpected possibilities.

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 6:37 pm Event: Tr-Tr Mon Opp Jup Description: Transiting Moon Opposition Transiting Jupiter We could be suffering the consequences of recent excesses. We might be stirred to make a promise or a statement, but it could be over the top or unrealistic. Differences of opinion could be an issue now. It can be difficult to be objective.

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 7:55 pm Event: Tr-Tr Mon Cnj Tau Description: Transiting Moon Entering Taurus This is a time for settling in, establishing and maintaining routines, and consolidating existing projects. We are building and developing. We crave predictability, stability, and security. This time favors ongoing projects and activities more than new ones.

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 2:19 am Event: Tr-Tr Sun Cpl Mar Description: Transiting Sun ContraParallel Transiting Mars

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 4:13 am Event: Tr-Tr Sun Cpl Ven Description: Transiting Sun ContraParallel Transiting Venus

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 10:55 am Event: Tr-Tr Mer Qnx Pal Description: Transiting Mercury Quincunx Transiting Pallas There can be mental tension and disorganization, making this a difficult time to get a clear message across.

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 1:44 pm Event: Tr-Tr Mer Qnx Nep Description: Transiting Mercury Quincunx Transiting Neptune We may not be seeing things clearly, or we are second-guessing our perceptions. There can be difficulties concentrating and focusing, and it can be challenging to discern between reality and fantasy.

Date & Time: Oct 6 2017 9:41 am Event: Tr-Tr Ven Pll Mar Description: Transiting Venus Parallel Transiting Mars

Strong Signs, Elements, Modes

BALANCE OF SIGNS

ARIES STRONG Initiating, pioneering energy. Independent, bold, courageous, assertive, fiery, inspirational, direct, decisive. Can be egotistical, impulsive, impatient, aggressive, lacking subtlety. VIRGO STRONG Meticulous, discriminating, pure, practical, health conscious, hard working. Can be hyper-critical, petty and perfectionistic. LIBRA STRONG Even-handed, harmonious, artistic, diplomatic, balancing, strong sense of fairness. Can be over- compromising, appeasing, judgmental.

BALANCE OF ELEMENTS

WATER WEAK There may be some insensitivity or lack of empathy now. We may be out of touch with what we’re feeling or with our emotional needs. We may be tougher than usual now, and more inclined to follow mental or practical considerations than we are to listen to our intuition.

BALANCE OF MODES

CARDINAL STRONG We are ready to take action and to take on challenges, and can become frustrated with stagnant conditions. FIXED WEAK We may be open to change but may not have much follow-through.

LUNAR PHASE: FULL MOON Moon 180 to 135 degrees behind the Sun. We are concerned mainly with the nature of relationships and are made aware of recent imbalances. Something can come to fruition. Our concern is not limited to personal relationships, but relationships of all kinds. Our cards are on the table.

The following aspects (major only) and positions are at noon (EDT) on October 6th:

Note that when an aspect is applying, it has not yet happened but is within orb – it’s pending. When an aspect is separating, it has already happened/perfected and is moving away from the aspect. Depending on the speed of the planet/body involved, the aspect will have perfected–or will perfect–in a matter of hours (often the case with the Moon), days, months, and possibly years in the case of the very slow-moving outer planets and bodies.

Note that the Moon moves at a rate of approximately one degree every 2 hours so that if an aspect involving the Moon is applying and has an orb of 5 degrees, the aspect will perfect (be exact) in about 10 hours. If the Moon is separating from an aspect with an orb of 2 degrees, it has already formed said aspect approximately 4 hours ago (since the following are positions at noon today, then it would have occurred at about 8 AM today).

**I suggest paying close attention to applying aspects. The energy of the aspect builds as it gets closer to exact. Once an aspect involving inner planets has happened, it’s over. Separating aspects are good to know for context, but in terms of energy that is with us today, applying aspects are most important. (This is the case for daily astrology influences involving inner planets, which pass quickly, and not natal astrology aspects, which are with us for a lifetime).

THE MOON

THE MOON IN ARIES We are itching to take action and to pioneer something. All things equal, this is a time to begin new projects. Exercise patience and selflessness where possible, but embrace Aries’ courage and directness. Look for new opportunities.

26TH DEGREE OF ARIES Part of Body: Skull Sabian Symbol: A man possessed of more gifts than he can hold.

ASPECTS OF THE MOON OPPOSITION JUPITER Orb 3°53′ Applying We may be going overboard or to excess now. Emotional restlessness, high expectations. Difficulties focusing on responsibilities; difficulties prioritzing. We are looking for fun or for something to celebrate, and turn to others to share our good feelings.

TRINE SATURN Orb 2°41′ Separating We are more able to find a balance between our own emotional needs and our responsibilities. This is a strong time for establishing good habits. We are more tolerant, deliberate, and resolute.

CONJUNCTION URANUS Orb 1°46′ Applying This can be a time when we feel a need to make a change, however big or small, and we may feel compelled to experiment or improvise. We don’t want to feel restricted by routine or convention now.

THE SUN

THE SUN IN LIBRA You are diplomatic, and have a strong need for peace and harmony. Beauty is important to you, and you could be vain.

14TH DEGREE OF LIBRA Part of Body: Left inguinal lymph nodes Sabian Symbol: A noon siesta.

ASPECTS OF THE SUN CONJUNCTION MERCURY Orb 1°40′ Applying Thoughts and communications about ourselves and our goals. We are expressing ourselves confidently, directly, and clearly.

QUINCUNX NEPTUNE Orb 1°32′ Separating Dreaming, creating, and imagining have better results than hard decision making right now. There can be a temporary loss/lack of clarity. We can be questoning whether what we are doing or pursuing feeds our spiritual needs. Make adjustments if there is a discrepancy.

SQUARE PLUTO Orb 3°16′ Applying We may be tempted to control or manipulate events and people, and can have difficulty reaching a compromise. We might need to reevaluate expectations, face our fears, manage power struggles, and deal with urges to control others and situations.

MERCURY

MERCURY IN LIBRA You are a diplomat and peacemaker, often acting as a go-between in relationships. You a good communicator, putting others at their ease. Arguments may upset you, as you prefer harmony in communications.

12TH DEGREE OF LIBRA Part of Body: Left renal system Sabian Symbol: Miners emerging from a mine.

ASPECTS OF MERCURY QUINCUNX NEPTUNE Orb 0°07′ Applying We may not be seeing things clearly, or we are second-guessing our perceptions. There can be difficulties concentrating and focusing.

SQUARE PLUTO Orb 4°57′ Applying We can be worried or troubled, a little paranoid, and possibly suspicious with this combination. We are defensive about our ideas, intelligence, or perceptions, and might take it personally if others are not agreeing with or adopting our opinions.

VENUS

VENUS IN VIRGO This is a time when we express our love through practical means and gestures – running errands, doing detail work, or just being there. What we love, what we decide to buy and the types of entertainment we enjoy during this cycle are ruled by whether or not things make sense.

21ST DEGREE OF VIRGO Part of Body: Cystic duct Sabian Symbol: A girl’s basketball team.

ASPECTS OF VENUS CONJUNCTION MARS Orb 0°34′ Separating This is a passionate, lively, expressive influence. Social relations are impassioned, and perhaps demanding or combative. We may also feel compelled to do something creative or artistic. We have a chance to express our needs, passions, and desires now in effective ways. Venus can act to soften Mars’ aggressiveness, or Mars can make Venus’ romantic impulses more forceful and pressing. Some level of competition is present in our interactions. Impulsive purchases are possible.

SQUARE SATURN Orb 2°11′ Applying Lack of spontaneity when it comes to expressions of affection and the pursuit of pleasure, likely due to insecurities or fear. We may be reserved, withdrawn, cautious, and tight with money and/or feelings. Feelings of being alone and not getting what we want/need can be experienced now.

TRINE PLUTO Orb 3°31′ Separating We’re a better judge of value right now — who and what are important to us. We might see one another, and our relationships, in a different light. We could reconnect with someone or improve an existing bond. We could be up for a challenge now. Increased insight in relationships, with money, and in business.

OPPOSITION CHIRON Orb 5°22′ Applying You tend to suffer emotional pain in your personal relationships. You are so busy caring for your loved ones that you neglect your own needs. This imbalance can lead to you resenting your partners . You also tend to become the peacemaker as you are so sensitive to disharmony. You need to learn to nurture yourself and trust your own wisdom.

MARS

MARS IN VIRGO You will pursue your personal desires in a practical and methodical manner. You may be critical if opposed.

20TH DEGREE OF VIRGO Part of Body: Bile duct Sabian Symbol: An automobile caravan.

ASPECTS OF MARS SQUARE SATURN Orb 2°46′ Applying We can feel thwarted, blocked, or slowed down. Enthusiasm wanes. Delays are possible, but might lead to important edits and adjustments.

TRINE PLUTO Orb 2°56′ Separating Ambitions and determination increase to pursue our goals. It’s easier to see what we want and to devise a plan to pursue it. We may be focusing on redoing or reworking something from the ground up.

OPPOSITION CHIRON Orb 5°57′ Applying We can be quite touchy and easily aggravated at this time if we are not dealing with the source of our anger issues and frustrations. With these emerging, we can more easily see what’s tripping us up. Physical activity might also help release stress now.

JUPITER

JUPITER IN LIBRA You have a strong concern for justice. You are a diplomatic teacher, and express your spiritual values in your relationships.

30TH DEGREE OF LIBRA Part of Body: Left ureter Sabian Symbol: Three mounds of knowledge on a philosopher’s head.

ASPECTS OF JUPITER OPPOSITION URANUS Orb 2°06′ Separating You are keen to change things in this world as you see no reason to continue with the old traditions. You speak out against injustice, but may lack the patience and persistence to see through the changes.

SATURN

SATURN IN SAGITTARIUS Saturn in Sagittarius asks us to take on the responsibility of living according to our personal truths and principles — and to be loyal to these. This is a time for turning a critical eye to those beliefs and principles that don’t accurately reflect our authentic selves. (December 23, 2014, to June 14, 2015, then September 17, 2015, to December 20, 2017)

23RD DEGREE OF SAGITTARIUS Part of Body: Left trochanter Sabian Symbol: Immigrants entering a new country.

ASPECTS OF SATURN TRINE URANUS Orb 4°27′ Applying You have a talent for investigation. You look at new ideas and are able then to put them into action. In business you achieve much in your own independent way.

SQUARE CHIRON Orb 3°11′ Applying There can be fears now of not being competent or effective enough to meet our responsibilities, or we could find it hard to strike out on a unique path, again due to fears or insecurities. The desire to break from the status quo is strong, but we may not have the necessary confidence to do so. We may have difficulties empathizing with others and understanding ourselves.

URANUS

URANUS IN ARIES The urge to start fresh, to break free from restrictive attitudes or circumstances, to totally redesign an area of our lives (or even our personalities), and to gain freedom through independence is strong during this cycle. (May 27, 2010, to August 13, 2010, then March 11th, 2011, to May 15, 2018, then November 6, 2018, to March 6, 2019).

28TH DEGREE OF ARIES Part of Body: Fornix/parietal and occipital bones Sabian Symbol: A large disappointed audience.

NEPTUNE

NEPTUNE IN PISCES A long-term influence in which fantasy, imagination, compassion, and spirituality are in stronger focus. (April 4, 2011, to August 4, 2011, then February 3, 2012, to March 30, 2025, then October 22, 2025, to January 26, 2026)

13TH DEGREE OF PISCES Part of Body: Plantar artery of left foot Sabian Symbol: A sword in a museum.

PLUTO

PLUTO IN CAPRICORN Tests of our boundaries; breaking down and rebuilding structures and rules. (From January 25, 2008, to June 14, 2008, then November 26, 2008, to March 23, 2023, then June 11, 2023, to January 20, 2024, then September 1, 2024, to November 19, 2024).

17TH DEGREE OF CAPRICORN Part of Body: Condyle of left tibia Sabian Symbol: A person surreptitiously bathing in the nude.

Chiron, Major Asteroids, and Moon’s Nodes: in Sign and in Aspect

CHIRON

CHIRON IN PISCES

Strong awareness of our own vulnerabilities and humanity stimulates compassion for others. (April 20 to July 20, 2010, then February 8, 2011, to April 17, 2018, then September 25, 2018, to February 18, 2019).

26TH DEGREE OF PISCES Part of Body: Plantar nerves Sabian Symbol: A new moon that divides its influences.

VESTA IN LIBRA You prefer to work with other people, rather than on your own. You like to share work resources and yet need to watch that you don’t become too competitive. You want to be recognized as an equal.

10TH DEGREE OF LIBRA Part of Body: Nerve supply to kidney and renal pelvis Sabian Symbol: A canoe approaching safety through dangerous waters.

PALLAS

PALLAS IN TAURUS You have the ability to see the beauty in nature and the arts. You have much common sense and wisdom. You may become involved in either healing with your hands or healing the earth through environmental movements.

12TH DEGREE OF TAURUS Part of Body: Cervical and brachial plexi Sabian Symbol: A young couple walk down main-street, window-shopping.

JUNO

JUNO IN CAPRICORN You want a partner who you can respect, and who respects you. You seek long-term commitment and may marry later in life.

8TH DEGREE OF CAPRICORN Part of Body: Lymph vessels of knee Sabian Symbol: Birds in the house singing happily.

CERES

CERES IN LEO You feel cared for when other people play with you and praise you. You like to show others you care for them by encouraging their creative talents and sense of fun.

5TH DEGREE OF LEO Part of Body: Right carotid artery Sabian Symbol: Rock formations at the edge of a precipice.

THE NORTH NODE

THE NORTH NODE IN LEO This a quest to develop your inner strength. You may find that you experience times of loneliness. These times are part of your lesson to forge your own creative life in order to give generously to the world.

24TH DEGREE OF LEO Part of Body: Papillary muscles Sabian Symbol: A yogi with transcendent powers yet untidy & unkempt.

THE SOUTH NODE

THE SOUTH NODE IN AQUARIUS This a quest to develop your inner strength. You may find that you experience times of loneliness. These times are part of your lesson to forge your own creative life in order to give generously to the world.

24TH DEGREE OF AQUARIUS Part of Body: Right tibialis anterior muscle Sabian Symbol: A man turning his back on his passions and teaching from his Experience.

*** CONJUNCTIONS TO SELECT FIXED STARS ***

Transits 6 October 2017

Aspects to Sat 22°Sg35 -22°10′ Cnj 22°Sg41 RAS ALHAGUE The desire to heal a wound.

Aspects to Plu 16°Cp52 -21°46′ Cnj 16°Cp52 RUKBAT Steadiness and strength.

Aspects to Ves 09°Li15 +00°51′ Cnj 09°Li11 DIADEM To sacrifice oneself.

Aspects to BMo 26°Sg15 -19°09′ Cnj 25°Sg58 ACULEUS Enduring attacks but success

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