#like be upset but also behave like a normal person please

[pseudophan]

Is it bad that I feel really, really upset seeing that someone has 6 m&g tickets for TIT meanwhile dnp aren't even coming anywhere near my continent, so I can't go to the tour no matter what and I have to save up for or a kidney transplant soon so I can't recklessly spend money on a booking a flight :((

I'm happy for them, and I'm happy dnp are getting the love they deserve, and I feel awful for feeling this way but I really feel bad :((

it's not bad, it's a very natural reaction and you have all the right to feel that way. i think that's the thing a lot of people are missing, your emotions about it are completely valid and understandable, it's just when people then start being really mean to those lucky people who are going to all the m&gs that it gets shitty. no one can expect you to just not be upset that someone is meeting them a bunch of times and you aren't, especially if you can't go to a show at all. it's all about how you navigate it, you know?

allow yourself to feel things, it's good for you

[starhoppin]

pick a picture; how would your future spouse act when they're jealous?

pile 1 -> pile 2 -> pile 3

disclaimer; this is a general reading! these messages may not fit everyone. please take what resonates and leave the rest.

「pile one 」

five of pentacles rv (cb: queen of wands, four of pentacles), king of swords rv (cb: ace of swords, seven of cups rv), nine of pentacles (cb: four of cups, nine of swords)

when your future spouse is jealous, they tend to keep their thoughts to themselves. they view you as the queen of wands - charismatic, bold, charming - overall, a catch. so when others flirt with you, your future spouse gets a bit possessive. still, they seem to recognize that the way others behave towards you is beyond your control, and you cannot be held responsible for whether people flirt with you or not. consequently, they feel like bringing it up would only create unnecessary conflict between you two. however, - in a moment of weakness - this person may act cold and a bit rude toward the person who is flirting with you. this person is normally level-headed, but the thought of you being with someone else really upsets them. i also see them reassuring themselves that you only have eyes for them. they trust you a lot and you actually may be the type to shut down any person who tries to flirt with you - particularly if they're doing so in front of your future spouse.

if this reading resonated with you, please consider leaving a tip!

「pile two 」

page of pentacles (cb: six of swords rv, three of cups), queen of pentacles rv (cb: ten of cups, four of cups rv), ace of cups rv (cb: four of pentacles rv, knight of pentacles)

i think your future spouse would struggle with acknowledging that they're jealous. they'll make an effort to act like everything is fine, yet it feels more like they're suppressing their genuine emotions. they may be the type to bottle up their true feelings in general. this person could struggle with issues of abandonment/neglect from past relationships, so when situations like this arise, they have to do their best to work through those emotions. instances that trigger their jealousy could be akin to reopening an old wound for them. despite knowing that you're happy together and you're not interested in anyone else, their instinctual response is colored by past feelings. your future spouse might place a high value on material possessions, and their love language may lean towards gift-giving. in light of this situation, they may become more extravagant in their gift-giving, almost as if they're in the courting stage in your relationship again. it's an energy of "no other person can provide for you like i can."

if this reading resonated with you, please consider leaving a tip!

「pile three 」

five of swords rv (cb: six of wands, king of swords rv), three of pentacles (cb: queen of pentacles, five of cups rv), five of pentacles rv (cb: six of cups, king of pentacles)

out of all the piles, your future spouse is most likely to speak up and tell someone off if they're flirting with you. they seem to perceive the conflict as a form of competition, but it's not true competition because you are already taken by them. it's like your future spouse has this perspective of "try all you want, you can never win them over." still, your person is likely to voice their displeasure and make it clear that they'll never have a chance with you. while you may prioritize harmony, your future spouse exudes an attitude of "i don't care if they like me or not." they are the kind of person who speaks their mind in any situation, even if they're aware you might disapprove. i distinctly heard the words "charity work," so they might use cutting words to convey that the person is not even close to being in your league. this person has a healthy sense of self-esteem and also believes that you share a strong relationship based on trust. although they may get a bit heated initially, i don't think that they'll dwell on the situation.

if this reading resonated with you, please consider leaving a tip!

tarot deck used in this reading: ostara tarot

[blueninjablade3]

Yandere Frollo Alphabet

Real quick for my regular readers who are waiting for the Hades Angst I’m working on it at a snails pace but it’s shaping up nicely. I’m publishing this solely because it’s been in my drafts taunting me.

TW: Yandere themes, Slurs/ talks about slurs, genocide, medieval torture, isolation, abuse, gaslight, lack of right, racism, and religious themes.

If you are uncomfortable with any of this scroll on. I won’t be offended. If you are in a bad mental state I don’t recommend reading this Yandere relationships are extremely toxic and dangerous. If you or someone you love are in an abusive relationship, please remember you have resources to help you. I believe I’ve covered most of my bases so without further ado Yandere Frollo alphabet. Ps, left a little music if anyone wants to listen to that while they read.

Affection: how do they show you love and affection? How intense can It get?

I view Frollo somewhat like “I never quite learned to verbalize my feelings so I’m going to do very small things to tell you I love you.” Also, he brings you grapes. It’s every day he brings you grapes. (Unless you’re getting punished.) He does do the traditional kiss-your-cheek and forehead tho.

Blood: How dirty is he willing to get when it comes to you?

He’s willing to burn down all of Paris to find you. You and Esmeralda are gonna be best friends and shit talk Frollo together.

Cruelty: how will they treat you once kidnapped will he mock you?

Yes. Wtf do you think I would say “No he’s an angel” Brother has no problem calling someone a slur. Hell, I’d put money on the fact that he’d call a black person the N word hard R to their face. (He’s seriously the worst tho. Get y’all a man like… uh Prince Naveen. He’ll treat you better)

Darling: besides kidnapping you would he do anything else against your will?

Being an active part of the Romani people’s slaughter, being horrible to Quasi, and whipping people are the ones that are off the top of my head. I’m probably missing others but the point is he absolutely would.

Exposed: How much of his heart do you bear?

I think you actually bear 40%. The other 60 goes to the Bible and Christ. Don’t worry that’s still more than his family ever got.

Fight: How would he feel if you fought back?

CHOOSE ME OR YOUR PYRE BE MINE OR YOU WILL BURN~! But in all seriousness, he’s going to be so upset and do the same thing that he does to Quasi.

Game: Is this a Game to them? Would he like watching his darling try to escape?

No! This isn’t a game! Those filthy gypsies can’t be trusted! (it feels wrong even typing that 😭) They’ll harm you! You need to stay safe. In the bell tower.

I also don’t think he’d enjoy you escaping. He wants you at arm’s length at all times.

Hell: Your worst experience with him.

After one of your little “stunts” he had you flogged for a few hours and then you didn’t get lunch for a few days. (like three)

Ideals: what he sees in the future with you.

He sees a traditional Christian marriage (pretend male x male relationships were most of the time accepted by the church), a couple of NORMAL kids (he is the worst), and all the Romani people dead. (ICK)

Jealousy: does he get jealous and if he does, does he find a way to cope or will he lash out?

He gets very jealous and never controls it. He always lashes out. At this point, don’t even look at a fly anymore. He’ll get jealous of it.

Kisses: How does he act around you?

He’s possessive, creepy, and lustful. Think about how he behaves with Esma and multiply by two.

Love letters: how would he go about courting/approaching you?

He’s very traditional. He’s the type who’d buy a goat to give to your dad and then just be like “Gimme.” But he would approach you beforehand and have some small talk in passing.

Mask: Are his truth colors different from what people think?

No. He’s very publicly creepy and weird it seems. People also fear him and view him as dangerous which you can say firsthand is true. Creepy bitch.

Naughty: how would he punish you?

He’s the type to flog you for a little, isolate you, and then limit food consumption. You’re extremely afraid of acting out or acting against him for fear of his reaction.

Oppression: what rights did he take away from you:

Freedom, religion (if you’re anything other than Roman Catholic you’ll have to practice and pray in secret.), privacy, and if you’re American the right to bear arms. Really any weapons he’ll take away. (Maybe see if you can hide a dagger?)

Regret: does he regret kidnapping you? Will he ever let you go?

Haha! You’re so funny if you think he’d let you go or think he’d regret kidnapping you! The Lord brought you two together! You two were meant to be! Now stop struggling unless you wanna go back to the palace of justice.

Sigma: what brought this side of him?

I think his lust, pride, and lack of getting any bitches over his years all contributed. He got lustful for you, and he didn’t know how to react, then instead of admitting that he was in the wrong his pride got the best of him, and blamed you. When his lust won caused his Yandere actions.

Tears: how would he feel if you cried screamed or Isolated yourself?

He doesn’t care! You’ll learn to love him eventually. If you don’t… you won’t like what’s gonna happen. But do go ahead.

Unique: is there anything different from a normal Yandere

He has a massive superiority complex? He also can have people flogged and not be questioned.

Vice: what can you use to escape him?

I’m not quite sure. I guess maybe you could hide in the court of miracles?

Witts end: would he ever hurt you

Without a second thought.

Xoanon: how much does he revere/worship you and to what extent is he willing to go to win you over

He’s willing to go to extreme lengths. I know I’ve talked a lot of shit about him in this but in all seriousness, he views you as a gift from the heavens. An angel sent to him. His angel.

Yearn: How long before he snapped and kidnapped you?

He’s a patient man. I’m going to say if you play your cards right and Quasi is still young about 1.5 years till he snaps.

Zenith: would he ever break you?

Oh definitely.

Thank you for reading! Please remember that rebloging, likes and comments are much appreciated! ❤️

[xclowniex]

EUROVISION DRAMA UPDATE

Baby Lasanga went on a podcast and talked about some drama which happened regarding Israel. It was in croation but the official translation is:

"This is the first time I’m actually talking about it. We were standing in line to join the flag parade, and everything was fine. The Irish representative and the Greek representative were standing there, and just then someone passed by and filmed a video; I guess it was someone from the Israeli delegation. Bambie started shouting at him, ‘Don’t film me!’ They yelled like an angry dog! And added that it’s a ‘celebration of love and peace’ while drooling… and everyone was really shocked. I bit my lips trying not to laugh. They talk about a celebration of love and peace while shouting and getting angry, just unnecessary drama. In the end, Bambie, Nemo, and I don’t know who else ran to the room and started crying. What’s going on with you guys? This is supposed to be Eurovision…”

“I don’t know why Bambie, Marina, and Nemo were so upset with the Israeli delegation. The Israeli delegation was not a nuisance at all, at least from what I saw. And regarding Bambie’s claim that they film her, there are cameras everywhere and everyone is taking pictures of everyone. It just amused me that she shouted about peace and love while behaving with anger and frustration.”

PLEASE DO NOTE WITH TRANSLATION: The Croatian phrase which has been translated as "angry dog" does not hold as strong of a connotation in Croatian as it does in English. It is used to emphasize severe anger, and does not mean rabid with anger, as a lot of english speakers have assumed it does.

So, what this means is:

A lot of allegations surronding the Israeli delegations actions were likely blown up, and made to seem worse than what they were

At least a portion of the claims of the Israeli delegation filming people is likely them filming Eden Golan or each other and contestants being in the background which was standard for other contestants to be in the background of any delegations videos, aka not out of normal behaviour for any delegation

Any complants brough to the EBU about the Israeli delegation had no rulings made on it, meaning that they were found unjust aka they didn't break any rules

Bambie Thug was so unprofessional that they were suspended from the flag parade in the finals due to their own behaviour, not the Israeli delegation's like they claimed

Bambi thug is a major sore loser considering their comments after the finals

What the implications of this is;

Bambi Thug is either antisemitic or xenophobic - depends on exact motives, which we do not know

Bambi Thug is also immature as they purposely lied and/or made things out to be way worse than they were to garner sympathy and/or to paint the Israeli delegation as these big bad evil people

Considering Marina was present during at least one of the situations, and still supported Bambi Thug, we also know that Marina either does similar behaviour to Bambi Thug, or thinks that behaviour is okay

The biggest thing out of all of this, is that the Israeli delegation was made out to be super evil and bad, and so much effort was put into protraying them this way, and all that effort has gone to waste because someone decided to speak out about what really happened.

Baby Lasanga also isn't even the only person who is proof of the delegation not being cunts the entire time. käärijä, in a now deleted video, was seen being nice to Eden Golan and even danced with her to his track from last years eurovision backstage. käärijä had the Israeli delegation take down the video after he recieved backlash for it and he also released an apology very similar to baby lasanga's statement.

Baby Lasanga's statement for the podcast was

"I won't beat aroud the bush and I feel like I have to respond because I owe that to the ESC community. I didn't feel like I had to express this online, but now I see that there's some confusion about it. So let me say it: U condem the actions of Israel's government. I bow my head to palestine and it's victims. I keep them in my prayers every night I go to sleep. Likewise, I will truly give my best to help those wounded by this horrigic tragedy. Love Marko"

My take aways from this are:

He can seperate citizens from their government like a normal fucking human being should

He also assumed that people would be able to do that too, but alas they weren't and he had to release a statement

He still stands behind his comments during the podcast

For anyone wanting to interact with this post, please note that this post is not about whether or not Israel should or shouldn't have attended. Whilst it is part of the overall wider conversation, I am not talking about that as eurovision already happened, Israel competed. This post is purely about how the Israeli delegation was treated and drama going on about that. Please do not start talking about whether or not Israel should have been allowed to compete.

[crimeronan]

I feel like Luz “Separation Anxiety” Noceda would be a bit dismayed upon learning that Vee and her friends are going to graduate and go to college at the end of the school year (presuming that Freshman Sophomore Junior Senior are Human Realm Exclusive Terms)

Like “oh my entire social life actually revolves around you and your friends because I’m too awkward and different to know how to approach people and am too nice and accommodating to any and everyone because of The Horrors to tell anybody to back off if they get too nosy so truly I cannot fathom how I’m going to function in a school setting without you but it’s Fine :) I’m really happy for you and not at all going to cry about this :)))”

Maybe she’ll join the school band to try and become socially independent and then just get really sad cause she misses Raine :(((

baby girl :(

i think she'd have a kind of tough time in a school environment to begin with, honestly. i made a post to that effect earlier but decided it was too depressing and deleted it.... but! since i ended up thinking a LOT about how her school experience would be handled. the gist was:

she'd have a really good 504 plan in place -- 504 plans are written plans that help students with disabilities stay in a normal classroom. it would have accommodations like her getting pre-written notes about what they'd discuss in class, a slightly separate desk to avoid being unexpectedly touched by other students, blanket permission to step out into the hallway if she gets nervous, extra time on tests, etc.

she'd purposefully be matched with the friendliest teachers and the easiest graders, people who are Very willing to talk with her about her needs. and also to say "i'm not upset with you." probably the really relaxed english teacher from TTT is one of them. this occasionally does remind her of raine and make her feel incredibly guilty/sad :(

and i think she'd have a one-on-one aide assigned to sit with her and show her what she's supposed to do in a classroom and help her navigate between classes. most likely this person is with her all day except for during lunch periods, when she takes her break....

this definitely marks luz Other by the student body (as having a paraprofessional does for every kid in a mainstream classroom) but she actually does not mind it! it feels like being guarded & she's grateful to have someone telling her what to do.

(in my head the aide's name is miss delilah and she's an OC who exists purely to be really kind and understanding. because please god give luz this.)

even with all of this, though....

classrooms are not Easy for luz. in the canon, she has CRIPPLINGLY hyperactive ADHD and can't focus on anything going on. she's weird and offputting and exuberant and causes ten million problems.

here, she has a LOT of baggage from belos. not just the physical trauma, but also everything she's internalized about How To Behave. she's learned a lot about how not to annoy him. and school is a public-facing event, which means she's in full Gracious Princess Mode. trying to make herself as small and unobtrusive as possible

so all of her concentration goes into Sitting Still and Being Quiet. she can't anxiously stim without disrupting the classroom, she can't chatter without annoying people, she can't chew through pencils or rip up paper without attracting Concern.

this is. incredibly stressful!! for her!!

stressful enough that she can't really retain anything the teacher says in classes. her homework is always done and her notes are always neat, but her quiz and test scores are Abysmal. because she either can't process the questions or can't remember the answers. because being in the classroom is Hard

which just adds another layer of stress. luz is like. PLEASE don't tell my mom. please please please please please don't tell my mom :(

vee doesn't really understand this -- she Loves the classroom. loves to sit at a desk and participate in discussion. loves to do worksheets. loves to get good grades and be a pleasure to have in class. Behaving Normally is a lot less stressful for vee than it is for luz.

which makes luz even clingier, when she can have lunch with vee or see her between classes. she's microdosing on being in the company of someone who feels Normal And Fine. and who has friends who clearly feel Normal And Fine. and who don't mind if luz is weird around them

luz being like oh!! you're going away. i see :) um. congratulations!! i'll be right back. i need to lock myself in the shower and cry so hard i throw up.

[donnabenevientosimpingzone]

Alright, your poll made me curious! What are your new headcanons about Donna dating each of the newly mutated Dimitrescu sisters? (And, if you’re comfortable with answering it ofc, do you have any spicy headcanons too?)

Ooooooh okay okay ok ok ok- firstly I would like to preface by saying the newly designed sisters behave differently. Before I idealized them a little more than usual and they basically don’t act much different then normal, but this is the Cadou we’re talking about. As the captions say- the Cadou during the mutation heightens each sister’s respective sense so they do act more beastly and ravenous than usual.

Bela

- Becomes the most uncontrollable when mutated, if she doesn’t get it her way then there is no way, her anxiety reigns supreme

- Constantly by Donna’s side and needs physical reassurance; wraps her tail around her, a wing, wing across the thigh, anything

- Seems to constantly be in a state of fight or flight, girl will roar at a bee that buzzes just slightly too loud for her comfort, which means Donna has to be mindful of what may/may not set her off

- Donna has to let her repetitively check things, kinda like how your dog may sniff you a few times when you come home to make sure it’s you

- Often times if Bela is mutated, so is Donna. Spider Donna does a lot to comfort Bela, and neither of them quite know why yet

- As much of an anxious lil punk Bela is mutated, Donna finds it adorable. They’ve found their own groove with things, and while Bela is the one comforting Donna’s anxieties unmutated- she can return the favour here

- The progress of unmutating is like waking up after a night of drinking for Bela- she remembers bits and pieces but not everything- and ends up feeling awful about how she acts when mutated

- Theyre working on it together

Cassandra

- Cassandra is already a pretty hypocritical person, she’s the middle child, of course she’s going to act all whiny when she gets attention she wants

- But in her mutated form her mixed signals get even worse

- She’ll rub up against Donna practically begging to be pet, and then the moment Donna lifts her hand to do so- Cass hisses and runs away

- It definitely was a huge hurdle for the two of them to work over, but they’ve found ways

- Their love language is subtle. They may make eye contact from across the room, Donna may put out an extra plate even if Cassandra doesn’t join for dinner, Cassandra may take a nap on Donna’s bed when she isn’t there and leave it a mess to show Donna she did.

- Her mutated form does make a good mount though. On the lucky days, Donna gets to join her for hunts.

- Can spiral into uncontrollable rage if not careful, but somehow Cassandra always recognizes Donna and refuses to hurt her

Daniela

- the most conscious of the sisters when mutated, and therefore doesn’t act too differently

- The only real difference is just how eager she is to please

- Donna has to be pretty mindful with what she asks of Daniela while she’s mutated, because Dani is going to take it all literally and bend her back to make her request a reality- even if Donna says it jokingly

- They’ve come up with “safe words” so Daniela knows when NOT to basically start world war just to get Donna a lollipop

- Cuddles. All the cuddles. If Donna is also mutated, Daniela will hold onto her like a baby bat.

- Kisses are harder with Daniela due to how contorted her mouth has become, which makes her upset, so they learned to compromise by bumping heads like cats

- Tail wagger

As for the spicy headcannons- I will admit that I have thought of a few. These will be written more generally.

- they have prehensile feet, since their arms became wings- they adapt the bird strategy of making their muscular legs makeshift arms and hands

- Although they don’t have as fine of control, they tend to wrap them around the hips and legs, and use them to pin

- The tail is a very useful tool ya know.

- They have some control over the tentacles but definitely not entire control

- I have NOT thought about them as receivers so all of these are them as tops

Bela

- her split face is optimal for oral, and it tends to be her preferred anyways

- Tries to hold her beloved with her wings but it depends if it’s successful

- She has the longest tongue of the mutated sisters. Do with that what you will.

Cassandra

- she’ll use her pharyngeal jaws to keep her lover in place, she’s surprisingly gentle with them if she wants to

- Her wings are more used as tools to give her power, especially when she’s dry humping

- Really good with her tail. Do with that what you will.

Daniela

- has the best control of her talons, the bat-like wing giving her a thumb gives her the ability to finger her lover

- she has the largest wingspan of the sisters so they tend to just shield her and her lover like an extra curtain- she wants the meal all to herself after all

- She does have a tongue but it’s mostly pulled away due to all her teeth, when it does come out though- it has a grasping end. Do with that what you will.

[ollieoooop]

On racism in the QSMP fandom

The QSMP was a large, year-long event intent on uniting the world's assorted Minecraft communities. The idea was that people would share languages and cultures, and intended on helping everyone gain cultural awareness and set aside their own biases.

Because of this, the QSMP largely centered on the most beautiful and fun parts of each culture. Carnaval, Dia de los Muertos, French Independence Day, and the Fourth of July come to mind first.

However, cultures are not simply the existence of fun holidays, outfits, and foods.

It is the way people speak, behave, and think.

It is the reason why, in private text messages, even in English, I will use "Spanish" punctuation rules. It is why I make certain jokes, even if I know they won't work the same in English. It is why I dress the way I do, why I express interest the way I do, and scream the way I do.

Language affects culture, and as such I have my first point: Spanish-speakers and gender. I should preface this by saying that the way Spanish affected my perception of gender is different than others like me - because everything has a gender, in my mind, gender is largely irrelevant. What should it matter if a table is a girl, or a pencil is a boy, or a teacher is any specific gender? However, in many others, this leads to a stronger adherence to gender, because EVERYTHING has a gender. See: Vegetta. He, personally, does not understand the idea of someone who is not a girl or boy, and therefore struggles with the idea of calling someone that. For him, gender is firmly entrenched.

Now, if this personally affects people, then I do apologize. However, there is a strange habit of people looking down on Spanish speakers for "struggling to catch up". This is, in the nicest way, a xenocentric attitude. The idea that your culture is automatically "better" and "more civilized" than another is the outright definition of xenocentrism.

In the English language, there IS a gender-neutral pronoun ("they"), but in Spanish there is no such thing. You would default to male if you do not know the gender of the person you are talking about. The idea that someone could simply change their language - ESPECIALLY when there isn't yet a consensus on how to accommodate enby people, because ending things with the letter 'e' has not officially been deemed 'correct' by all Spanish queer people (source: I AM ONE) - because you want them to is unrealistic. You may be upset, but you must also be understanding.

Another, similar, example is one of ForeverPlayer. Please know that I am not defending him, I believe that an adult kissing a minor is wrong, even when it is lawful. However, many Brazilians have already noted that this was seen as NORMAL at the time, and that many people had been much worse.

And we cannot forget the reason that these allegations were brought up in the first place: racism and xenocentrism. The person who had brought the allegations to the public eye was not the victim, but a random person who had already attempted to cancel several other Brazilian streamers. Yes, they did a good thing in making people more aware of the streamer's behaviors, and for that I commend them, but it was not done with good intentions. People can defend themselves with "oh, I watch XYZ Latino streamer, I'm not racist" all they want, but have any of you truly contemplated your biases? Do you not hear how close you are to saying "I'm not racist, I have a black friend"?

White people only care about "understanding" cultures when it is appealing to them. When it is "aesthetic" and "fun", when the people they know are "entertaining".

People of color should not need to be entertaining to be seen as valid. They do not even need to be seen as good people to be seen as valid human beings with their own thoughts and emotions and rights.

The problem is that you wish to coopt the "beautiful" parts of our cultures, but you do not care about the "ugly" parts. You praise us for being "interesting", but you condemn everything that is not.

Your understanding of us is nothing more than fetishization. And THAT is the true problem with the QSMP fandom.

[buckybarnesss]

Okay I was sitting at work very innocently when I had a thought: theoretically, after Peter resurrects himself, do you think Derek would have let him live if Derek didn't need him against the kanima?

I'm torn. Derek is a sentimental person, but he didn't really have any visible hesitation in cutting Peter's throat the first time. Do you think Derek would just keep him at arms length, or take him out again?

this is a fantastic thought.

peter's death at the end of the first season was a perfect storm. derek was put in a no-win scenario by peter. he had to kill him.

it was personal because peter had killed laura for power but derek was willing to work with peter even though he murdered his sister. not happy about it but willing. but peter had proven himself dangerous to more than just the people involved with kate's conspiracy. he bit scott. attacked lydia and was generally terrorizing the community. as if peter wouldn't have come back for adrian harris at some point.

his shift had taken on a monstrous form showing what he was on the inside like we are later told in abomination.

i know when we talk about the episode title code breaker we are generally talking about kate. she broke the hunting code by killing innocent people but it's also peter. peter broke the code of the hales. they are supposed to protect beacon hills.

peter and kate in season 1 are different sides of the same coin. just as kate couldn't stop neither could peter no matter what either of them said. it was only going to keep escalating. their madness had to be stopped.

there's also derek knowing if scott killed peter he'd become an alpha. in no way is scott prepared for that level of power at that time. he struggles even when he does become an alpha when he has more experience and support.

also derek just didn't want scott to have to kill someone. he wanted to shield scott from that reality.

it's also so, so complicated between derek and peter. i think peter was pleased and proud it was derek that killed him in a perverse way. derek finally being pushed into what peter always wanted from him and it also preserved the alpha spark staying in the hale line.

now after his resurrection? peter isn't so lost in madness. he's more even keel in temperament. he is still manipulative and scheming but he's something derek recognizes and knows how to deal with. from derek's perspective it's almost normal and so long as peter behaves and makes himself useful than derek doesn't feel it's necessary to kill him. besides if he's close than derek can keep an eye on him at least.

peter knows all that though. he counts on it even. he knows as long as he fulfills the role of beloathed uncle and is just helpful enough, gives enough of his knowledge than derek will keep him close and that's protection.

there is no one left in the world with any semblance of sentimentality towards peter hale and he needs that.

he just doesn't want to acknowledge his own sentimentality. before cora's return and malia's entrance they are all that's left of their family.

peter grieved his family. still grieves them. their loss drove him mad. he helps derek retrieve talia's claws, he is happy cora's alive and is distressed and upset when she's ill and near death and he's greatly affected by learning about malia's existence. he tries in his own weird way to be a part of malia's life. i stand by that he regrets killing laura but felt it was necessary.

he could simply walk away and abandon derek but he doesn't to go do whatever it is peter does when he's not on screen. i think everything peter feels about derek can be summed up in his reaction to derek dying in smoke and mirrors. he has places to be, people to kill, schemes to wrap up and a large part of it is his fault but he's not unaffected.

after smoke and mirrors peter gets put in eichen. they don't kill him. which is the more cruel fate?

i think derek has already mourned peter more times than he cares to think about. he's mourned so many versions of peter already. lost and found peter so many times. would peter dying permanently be more than a gentle letting go? or would it hurt knowing that peter wouldn't come back even to haunt him one last time? i think if derek felt peter needed to be put down again he'd do it otherwise he lets it be. his beloathed uncle, the devil he knows, and the ghost he thinks he deserves.

[consul-valerius]

Show Me What Normal is for You

Donna’s voice trailed off, their eyes widening as they spoke. They glanced up at Valerius, seeking some sort of validation, some sort of recognization. They silently hoped he would be normal; neither upset nor happy. Just… normal.

An evening of drinking and story-weaving leads Vesuvia's most dysfunctional polycule into a discussion of the divine (which leads to discussions of the past and perhaps the present too). However, not everyone involved is as intrigued when a certain Arcana is mentioned. It is up to Valerius to encourage his lover to open up to him in a way they haven't: to tell the full truth of their murky upbringing.

Rating: T for discussions of past abuse & darker themes

WC: 7,401 split between two chapters

Characters & Relationships: Valerius, Donna, Nadia (all in their own traid lol) & Sam and Lucio

Content warnings: discussions of past childhood abuse, discussions of attempted infanticide, childhood trauma, negative self talk/self thinking (most of this appears exclusively in the second chapter), casual discussions of death, mentioned parental death, and very casual daddy dom language because Sam and Lucio are there lmao

A/N: after years.... i have finally sat down and made Donna actually talk about their childhood/upbringing lmao this is a pretty personal fic for me for a variety of reasons, and it's one that I'm fairly proud of but also deeply insecure about all the same LOL again, very dialogue heavy and introspective; please heed all content warnings!

First chapter preview undercut, with links to both chapters there as well! if darker themes aren't your jam, you can just avoid the second chapter and know there's a lot of hurt but also a lot of gay comfort lmfao

Part One // Part Two

“What do you mean by that?” Nadia asked. Gods, it was becoming grating to Sam how endearing she was behaving. 

“Well, let’s use the cards as an example. Anyone can read the cards. I know their assigned meanings, and if you paid me, I would do a card reading for you and may actually sell you on my sincerity. But that’s all it is: storytelling. I can twist any general reading to be specific toward you if you told me enough about yourself—that is why there are so many con artists when it comes to this. If you can tell a tale, you can read the cards. 

Donna, however, actually can hear the Arcane and interpret their messages. That isn't exactly standard practice, and certainly not one I can do anymore.”

“Any more?” Lucio prodded, snuggling closer. 

“I used to have… some connection to my patron, yes.” Sam paused to glance down at the hand Lucio was playing with; he seemed to be reflecting on what to say next. His shoulders straightened out before he sighed. “But she severed that tie long ago. It was my own doing, of course. The Arcana do not take kindly to those who break from their paths, and they especially do not enjoy feeling replaced by some mortal being.”

“Huh—"

“They can do that?” Nadia cut in, a sudden and uncommon anxiety now in her tone. “Break off a connection, that is.”

A bitter smile graced Sam’s features; he regarded Nadia up and down for a moment before nodding. 

“In my case, yes. Though perhaps it was for the best; breaking that tie broke off all of my connection to the arcane realms. I am much better at judging and denying earthly temptations than I would be magical.”

“Magical temptations? Like what, fairy circles or what have you?” Valerius piped up again, his focus now squarely on Donna’s hair. He thankfully did not seem aware of Sam’s giggle at his question. 

“Well, no, silly boy,” Sam sighed as Lucio snickered. “I mean much more divine intervention.”

“Do the Arcana… meddle in earthly affairs?” Nadia reclined further into her seat, getting more comfortable. 

“Obviously they do,” Sam said, mirroring her posture. “The fact that they choose humans to take under their wing says enough. But most patrons know not to directly interfere with this world; many will only tend to their flock in dreams or drug-induced stupors; whenever the veil is at its most thin or what have you.”

“And you are implying there are those who do more, are you not?”

“Well, yes.”

“Do you know which ones specifically—“

“The Devil.”

All eyes quickly snapped down to Donna. Their head was down, their shoulders hunched, and their fingers dug into their knees. Nadia tilted her head as she pushed forward slightly in her seat, readying herself to dart to the floor if need be. It seemed as if Sam was going to do the same, but he was stopped by Lucio grabbing his hand with a bruising grip.

“The Devil…?” Valerius prodded, the only one not fully aware of the tone shift. 

“The Devil represents an excess of indulgences,” Sam cut in, trying to keep his tone neutral while trying to focus his attention between Lucio and Donna. “Out of all of the arcana, it makes the most sense that He would be most interested in earthly affairs and getting entangled in them; to want more than the vast expanses of magical realms he can control is in line with what he represents. He is the one patron to meddle in the affairs of others, regardless of who their patron is, to a normally… detrimental effect.”

“Detrimental?” Nadia pushed, her own curiosity outweighing her concern momentarily. 

Sam shot Donna a concerned look, his lips sealing into a thin line. They slowly lifted their head, the pink in their hair gone and back to its normal blue. 

They only shrugged up at him, a small smile on their face. 

“Well…” Sam finally continued, pulling Lucio closer to him by the waist. “In my life, and in the type of work I used to do, I’ve seen people get… desperate . Desperate for a variety of things: money, power, friends, family, the love those people can give to you—we traversed in dark places, and it can lead to ravenous desires. I was lucky to have not just been disconnected from the magical realms but to have a mentor who knew too well the horrors that lurk there. 

Others do not. Even the faintest whispers of the divine can twist the noblest of people. And this world is often cruel and unforgiving: to be offered a lifeline, to be offered some notion of control, is sometimes far too captivating to ignore.”

“You’re speaking in riddles,” Valerius interjected, now annoyed. “Speak plainly.”

“The drunkard says to the master,” Sam finally laughed, though there was little joy there. Lucio and Donna had both, shockingly, fallen silent, neither quite looking at anything or anyone. “What I mean is that it is easy for The Devil to tempt and offer solutions . I once knew a woman—a good, strong woman, I might add—who lost her entire family to a group of highwaymen. A senseless tragedy that falls on many—she is not unique, and neither are the effects of grief. She sought out my mentor for guidance, but your fellow human can only do so much for you. She was desperate for answers and for justice, and this world marches to the beat of its own drum. It was just taking too damn long. 

So who better to come in than The Devil himself? Or what she thought was him. In exchange for something trivial, he can give you a name, a place they live, and even their weaknesses. But even more than that—what of power, what of strength? If you are to face your family’s slayers, should you not be prepared to dish out justice? She made deal after deal behind our backs, each one more complicated, each price growing steeper and steeper. By the time I or anyone had noticed a change, it was far too late. The Devil’s chains are… unbreakable. And the damage they do is far more than anyone can help.” 

A long, heavy silence filled up the space like a thick smog. Nadia averted her eyes entirely, lost in her own thoughts, unsure what question to ask next. Valerius sat up straighter, his hands still petting through Donna’s hair. He could not see their expression from where he was sitting. He could only see how Lucio glanced back to the doorway as if he was worried someone was there. Valerius couldn’t help but think the same thing. 

“But why go through that only to be… well.. ruined?” He asked without thinking. Sam only smiled sadly at him. 

“You are so lucky, my dear boy, to have never been in want of anything.” Sam patted Lucio’s hip as he spoke, soothing him absently as he regarded Valerius. “And I hope you never experience it—truly, I do. Anyone may fall victim to this—it is our nature, after all, to seek out temptations with no regard for ourselves or others. That is the essence of the card; it is neither good nor evil: The Devil just exists as a paradigm of our makeup. He cannot help himself to crave more from this world, and we, in turn, cannot help but be tempted by him. It is up to the person on what they choose to do or not do, on the vile acts they may commit, and on giving up everything to gain their single want. Had I any line of communication left, I am not so sure I would be here—“

“ Gods , this is grim!”

[wellcheerz]

i saw your tag on the Dantes confession i submitted and YEP I WAS ABSOLUTELY THINKING ABOUT YOU! i'm saying this with the upmost respect, that truly was Iconic of you to do, i had been wanting to do something similar for the longest time but i just.. never did? seeing another person adore him to the point of buying themselves engagement rings was inspirational to me, and i mean that unironically.

so yeah, thanks for the motivation! this might be me overstepping, you have every right to tell me to fuck off, but if you don't mind could you post a pic of the ring you bought? i'm mainly asking out of pure curiosity, i have no intention to copy you or do anything disrespectful like that.

thank you so much for this. Ask on because as much as I am jealous person about him, I’ve literally could not be upset with you this is the cutest thing I’ve ever read.

I work with young people so a lot of the time I find myself preaching things like self-love and acceptance. when I started college, I kind of went through a phase where I took the ring off and decided that I was going to be “normal” until I realized that in my field, doing something as simple as shamelessly wearing a ring for your favourite fictional character can be super super powerful and show others that it’s OK to behave in ways that other don’t.

I went through two rings with Edo, but they share a few key components that I think are important in defining my relationship with him. They’re always silver in colour, but actually made of stainless steel. Stainless steel doesn’t tarnish and I think that’s sort of a symbol of even after the better part of a decade I still feel the same way about him. both of the rings are fidget rings, the type that spins when you flick them, mostly because I’m autistic but also because both he and the fidget or things that calm me down when I’m feeling upset. The current ring has arguably my favourite symbol of our relationship, the sun and moon. I’ve always thought that Edmond would call me something like “sunshine” despite the type of person that I am not being very sunshiny at all. (i am smiling to big and cheesy at you when i say this) It also reminds me that even if he’s in a different world than I am, I can look up and see the same sky that he would be seeing. (weird thought, but comfortable)

I’ll see if I can figure out how to attach a picture but honestly, I’m terrible at Tumblr. Please feel free to reach out off anon if you ever want to have a chat about him! thanks for the ask.

[mackmp3]

Dress could be interpreted to be about feeling the pressure to be a stereotypically girly girl and trying to navigate social situations where it's expected you have a boyfriend

sorry but this is not "Gender nonconforming behaviour" this is female behaviour. literally 100% of female children experience this, because this is a cornerstone of misogyny - enforcing male-invented social stereotypes of how a girl should behave (aka "femininity"). please read some feminist theory instead of saying basic female experiences are queer gender experiences! this is why we have a million white afab they/thems who think not liking pink and having a personality means they aren't really a girl and that the evil cis dykes are oppressing them by saying gender is a rightwing social construct that no one actually has.

warning for transphobia towards non binary people, please keep scrolling and don't read the ask if this will upset you

nice to know i found a terf! please kindly unfollow me now if you haven't already thanks :)

i'm pretty sure i say at least twice in that post that what PJ is singing about is totally normal experience for cishet girls, and that there are lots of cishet readings of her music that make sense, just that i personally find them interesting to view through a queer lens.

yes, i'm sure a lot of cishet girls also experience discomfort with having to wear a dress and find a boyfriend! i never said they didn't! but to an audience that is sapphic *and* is gender non conforming, the song is more likely to really resonate with them. which i say about two paragraphs down, if you'd have read the rest of the post -

'[...] but failing to do so because it's just not you. feeling uncomfortable in a dress, trying and failing to have normal interactions with guys - which of course cishet girls can feel as well, but hits particularly hard as a queer, gender non conforming, girl adjacent person'

i don't think i need to read feminist theory to post my *completely subjective media analysis* about pj harvey on the internet, these things are just theories after all! this is how *i personally* interpret some songs. in any case, whatever you have going on is clearly not as feminist as you might like to think, as feminism last time i checked was about trying to get equality and fairness for *all* genders, not annoying teenagers on tumblr for daring to think about gender on their own.

also 'the evil cis dykes are oppressing them by saying gender is a rightwing social construct that no one actually has.' i'm really sorry that you think that way but literally no one thinks this. i have never seen one single thing ever saying that someone thinks cis lesbians are oppressing them. they think terfs are harassing them. which now you are too! the world isn't seeing some major downfall in gender because there are now 'a million white afab they/thems', it's because on the last few years, some parts of the world at least have had a massive shift towards accepting non-binary people as a thing that exists, and more visibility, which had led to more people, especially young people, having more tools and language with which to understand their own gender. even just five years ago i probably wouldn't have been able to think of a non-binary character, now i could list you dozens. non-binary people were always there, there just weren't always conducive environments, or the words, for people to realise that that is what they were feeling. also by implication you're saying that liking pink and not having a personality are parts of being a girl? i don't think that what you meant to say but that *really* isn't feminist. in case it's not clear enough

NON BINARY PEOPLE ARE VALID YOUR GENDER OR LACK THEREOF IS REAL

TERFS GO AWAY

[toyherb]

long rambling stream of consiousnes post

remember when someone was called our for making porn of their oc but aged up and the anon was like "but you have portrayed them as a kid too" and everyone was like. people age dude. they don't exist as a child to (author) etc etc

anyway I think the way we think if this kind of discourse has messed with our minds and how we think of fictional characters. thankfully I am not engaged in any sort of shipping discourse in any fandom. and I always stay silent on my opinions on this but I just wanted to like... sort my thoughts ig

please read the footnotes this was so stream of consciousness djhavavkda

I hate proshippers and how they behave they are so annoying and act like people who disagree with them are all stupid dumb dumb babies. I have more thoughts but this isn't really about them.

having said that I'm not an anti by any means... anti culture does not attract me, and I would rather spend my time having fun with media I like and avoiding what I dislike.

there is no room for people with a moderate opinion in this discourse. people in the middle seem to pick a side and then try hard to fit in or explain weird logic to make what they feel okay to them (if they are an anti who wants to ship or make porn something tabboo, they by certain logic it is okay) or ignore things that make them upset (on the proshipper side). unless I'm just so far removed I don't even see these people (since potentially they also just don't engage with the discussion, or do so privately)

I think, on the topic of aging up characters it depends on SO many factors whether it feels "morally okay" or not. like in the first example, the character experiences time and is portrayed at different life stages and porn of them as an adult, made by the author, exists. all of that is extremely normal and healthy. my thoughts on this extend to characters who are not adults in popular media. I don't think people who do this are attracted to teenagers , but rather the idea of that character as an adult and their partner (if this is about sex or shipping or whatever) who is the same or similar age as them.*(1)

even if the characters do not "belong" to them, to me this is like playing with barbies and thinking of stories on your own. especially with anything illustrated or drawn which really lends itself to imagination and different interpretations of characters.

having said that. I do not really feel comfortable with the idea of actually elementary age children being aged up for porn if they have never been portrayed as an adult or older teen. it's weird? it doesn't make sense to me. like. with a teenage character you have a better idea of who that character will be as an adult (even if obviously we change a lot between being teens vs adults) but with a young kid? like, when you see them you are still picturing the child even if the art is them grown up. there is not context to imagine them as a whole adult if it's just porn. this was messy but idk how to phrase this properly.

(I am specifically thinking of Pearl from Ace Attorney when I write this. which differs in the next example in that Pearl is a kid surrounded by adults and engages with the world and the writing as a child and has little agency over herself. in a way i think people who have childhood trauma can see this and a portrayal of [adult] pearl having agency, even in a pornographic way, is safe and theraputic. i think thats kind of poetic tbh but it still makes me sad and upset to think of pearl sexually)*(2)

it's gets more confusing and hard to form feelings on this kind of thing because of how nuanced every situation can be. like when Rugrats All Grown Up was a thing, I'm sure people who grew up with the show thought the adult versions were attractive and proceeded how you can imagine. It.... doesn't feel THAT weird to me I guess? The characters were portrayed whith whole personalities, from their perspectives, and how they are treated by the original show (at least in my faint memory), it kind of makes sense. You don't think of them as just babies but as whole people.

(this is similar to how if you are a kid reading something like A Series of Unfortunate events, you might love reading about the kids facing adversity and escaping danger, but an adult reader would probably be distressed and worried for the them. I read the books as a kid and that's what my teacher said she felt. watching the TV show as an adult I understand her.)

Another example is Harry Potter. I have no real idea how people decided to write fic for it back in the early 00s, if they decided to age characters up, before the later books, but I know people were writing porn for it. (but also like. not sure why adults were such big hp fans. maybe they were just around the books for whatever reason like as a librarian or teacher or whatever). in a situation like that I think its easy to picture in your mind older characters but personally I'm still like. they were middle schoolers, bro... its very nearly absurd to me to imagine writing porn of Harry Potter characters before any depiction of them as adults existed. I GUESS you can age them up? it's still weird to me. which is weird bc the previous example we started with literal babies. hp just feels more specific with its characters and rugrats feels more loose, and I could say that's because rugrats is a kids show that primarily exists in our memory, but I also never even read harry potter

I think this ultimately has to do with how we think of characters in more personal ways. Like... in Fire Emblem Awakening, I married Chrom and Lucina was our daughter. But if you play as a boy you can marry Lucina because she comes from the future as an adult (or however old she is). I know people who think of Lucina as m!Robin's canon partner, are attracted to her, and that's fucked up to me. I just can't think of her as an adult woman, even if she is one. Like. I actually get mad thinking about it. but this is because of my personal feelings about Lucina.

(but like literally I think marrying any of 2nd gen in that game is weird so maybe i just know some weirdos)

so anyway my conclusion is that fandom is personal and what feels okay and what feels like pedophilia depends on how we engage with it and that nuance makes it difficult and even impossible to distinguish if someone is a freak or not without knowing and understanding their relationship with the media yaaaayyyyy

.

.

1*This only really feels normal if you are college age or you started liking the thing when you were younger and then got older. Unless you're galaxy brained and make those characters 30 and in an office setting I guess. How weird this whole idea is depends on on how the characters exist in their canon world, not just their age but like.... narratively(?). Like their agency, what they do, personality etc. I do not mean to imply that if you are a teenager those kinds of things make YOU more attractive to adults (on the contrary, abusers will prey on qualities that isolate you from any support), but, because fictional characters are fictional and like barbie dolls, we can change the context we want them to exist in. ie oh they're in college and not high school or whatever. Again, how you personally interact with the media also contributes, and how you initially get to know these characters also forms how you will ultimately conceive of them.

(that said the stronger it is established the characters are in high school the less I am able to reimagine them I college without having to completely imagine them changing into new people over time. the only other option really is to imagine a full on au... but even then i feel like you have to change them quite a bit.) (not to mention the more it's established they're high schoolers the less i am attracted to them... 🤢 i wouldnt change them just so i can like them. i would just not like them anymore...)

(even when i was just beginning college I was really into an Ouran high school host club character which I liked in high school, but now I'm not interested in him at all... aging out of that attraction is such a weird feeling.)

2*I want to add to this artistic, dark angle that I skim over here. As someone with fandoms which ARE dark, violent, and indeed contain abusive relationships, I think there is artistic value in certain things like this. It's not that I like to see pedophilia or incest portrayed, but that dark and fucked up stuff which is meant to wrench your gut has a right to exist. even when it's pornographic! pornographic art CAN have things to say! and even when it doesn't necessarily say much, I think that gut wrenching type stuff has value for being that way.

(although how I feel about that kind of thing is not the same as how I feel about like. porn depicting siblings that is just porn. I mean, I know that porn on its own has artistic value no matter how base we believe it to be. I'm just saying porn depicting abuse and playing into that feeling of disgust and shame is not the same as porn that's just "teehee my step sister is a whore." although I think the difference between these two is probably the perspective and position of control the reader and protagonist have. even comparing say lolita to stepsister or stepdaughter porn. the control the protagonist has over the situation, the way it makes us feel... it all contributes to that nuance I was talking about.)

(also I know I just said porn has artistic value no matter how base it is but I fucking hate that stepsibling shit. it's so popular bc its a fantasy to live with someone you like but it gets me so mad.)

[cometconmain]

Not addressing anyone here. Just adding my recent experiences and thoughts on this concept.

Way too many people genuinely act like you don't get to be upset with someone trying to treat your human rights like pineapple on pizza. I fully agree. It's shitty as fuck. Bigots get to say the most vile things and everyone they're targeting has to treat them with fucking kid gloves and it's fucking bullshit. You have no obligation to be kind.

However, it is an unfortunate fact that most people (who are still reachable) learn and change when they're faced with calm challenges to their position, vs getting their head bitten off which is more likely to drive them into the arms of extremist groups who take advantage of their stress and confusion to pull them in. I've been trying to develop the patience and strength lately to build tolerance of lighter bigotry so I can talk with the person long enough to plant some seeds. I see it as less 'be kind' and more "is this person an actual lost cause or are they just parroting whatever because they've never had to think in their life about any beliefs they hold and only ever get to interact with a select handful of flavours of humanity? Can I reach them, even a little, then let them go and see what happens?"

I had a 2 hour conversation with a guy the other day who "doesn't believe in" climate change, thinks Trump is morally 'neutral' and that maybe segregating Trans and POC people at the Olympics is the answer to whether or not Trans people should be allowed to compete.

Stupid and fucked up? 300%.

He also held a lot of normal progressive views and was queer. Cognitive dissonance galore in this man. (He also somehow genuinely believes it's the Democrats rolling back queer rights and was surprised when I explained to him how the Supreme Court works and that they're the ones attacking human rights because the Court is currently controlled by Republicans, not Democrats. He was actually surprised so I'm concerned where the fuck he's getting his information from, damn. It's always so much 'fun' trying to understand and then explain American politics as an Australian to other Australians. XD )

I actually ended up managing to challenge the majority of the fucked up bullshit he spouted in a way that seemed to actually make him think. I could see and hear the way he was talking was someone with a very limited pool of information not knowing any better and he even literally said "I've never gotten to talk to someone like you before" and had a generally positive demeanour toward me the entire time (while internally I was going yuck yuck yuck yuck hold on deep breaths remember you had really shitty beliefs ten years ago and even recently and probably still have some you have to work on that make other people go yuck yuck yuck yuck hold on just let him hear himself and hear you and let it germinate).

A year ago I would have walked away and also stopped engaging with him entirely.

But this time I experimented with a different angle and because I put the effort in to assume ignorance and offer him active listening I think I gave him a lot to chew on. I could literally see him thinking about things in a way you only get when someone is actively listening back (compared to how they behave and speak when their only goal is to clobber and belittle and bad faith 'debate' you into the ground about your own goddamn human rights).

People are scared, people are ignorant, people lack education and a wide enough pool of experience to engage with to develop their own critical thought and self-improvement, and bad faith actors are always taking full advantage of this, ESPECIALLY at the political and law making level.

Please don't get me wrong though. None of this is to say everyone has to suddenly stand there for 2 hours getting slammed with rancid takes about their own identity, culture, race, sexuality or whatever else the person is casually stomping all over with their 'opinions' because they've never experienced what it's like to be on the receiving end of their own bullcrap. And if you're personally part of whatever group is being stomped on then yeah, if you don't have the energy to educate every random bigot while being expected to have no negative responses to their behaviour, then absolutely walk away. And anyone insisting you have some kind of obligation to take that to the face just to teach some random who thinks so little of you can fuck off.

But if you do have the capability - be it because you don't personally experience the thing but know how to help educate about it, or have enough patience left to try with this person because you think they're worth your effort - and you won't be putting yourself in danger by standing up to them, then please do give it a try occasionally. Even if all it does is help to remind you that bigots aren't a monolith and can hold the most progressive views available then turn around and slap you with 'ok but maybe we should segregate sports again' while so damn sure that's somehow not racist as fuck because they genuinely believe racism is when you look at brown skin and deny service or something and that's the full extent of education they have on what it is. (And that type of limited education extends to their understanding of other marginalised demographics too of course). Re-humanising the enemy is always going to be helpful for combating them, so you can try thinking of it like that too if you do decide you want to try with someone like this and need something to help you get through the conversation long enough to plant some seeds and hope they grow. Better to add people to our ranks than to 4Chan's.

Many people have helped me break away from dangerous subtler shitty beliefs and mentalities throughout my life simply by taking me through my paces on it and patiently challenging and then letting me grow, and it's made me a much better person. I'm so grateful to all of them and I'm trying to learn the skills to pass that on. I hope other people out there who have the energy to try this see this and give it a go when they can. A multi-faceted approach is usually the best way to go, I think, and there are enough of us out here that not everyone has to do this, but there are some who can (especially if they have relevant societal privileges to help shield them) and will and that can have a huge impact on changing the tide. (Just pick your battles carefully and stay safe.)

“Be kind to each other even if you disagree about politics”

Actually no, I’ll tell you to fuck off if you tell me I shouldn’t have rights. Hope this helps!

[kart0]

Little update !

Heyyy everyone !!!! Just wanted to write lol

So last update I told you I was going to my psych appt but she fucking cancelled it ? And then I rescheduled and then she just fucking bailed on me and didn't even show up to her own clinic ? Anyways I got very very upset and angry bc apparently she was TRAVELLING TO FUCKIGN NEW YORK ????????????? y'all...istg I must be a fucking saint to tolerate shit like this. Maybe I'm too passive...I didn't even allow myself to get mad and tell her but anyways. I guess I just am too used to sucking things up.

Ok so she told me to lower my dosage, and now I'm like ? Hm, I don't think so. And I might have done something really stupid ?

And I do not recommend anyone to do this PLEASE DON'T, TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR ! Erhm.... I might have stopped taking my meds ? For like. A month now ?

It kinda just happened honestly... I didn't have money to buy them, and then I started to forget taking them everyday, and then I guess I just. Idk I just stopped taking them ? And I only did that because I felt ok ? Not too bad, not too good, normal actually. And I know this is such a stupid part of me but I don't really think the meds were working anyways ? And since I dont feel bad, I guess I just. Do not care ?

I don't know ? I haven't been very anxious, I haven't been depressed, my mania ended a few days ago, I feel, normal. And ok. Idk ? When I got depressed it felt really debilitating but then I suddenly became maniac and it was over very suddenly and now I feel better. The only thing tho is now my sleep schedule is FUCKED. But idk ? Nothing else tbh ?

And I do not advise anyone to do this, I am making sure to say it as many times as it takes !!!!! Please ! I am saying dumb things I am not a doctor I have not studied medicine I have no idea what's going on !!! But I do know my body, and I can tell how I feel. And for now, I feel ok.

I am currently tabling at this anime convention and it's been taking my time for many weeks now, preparing merch and stuff, and now it's finally happening and ? It's very.... Idk ? Idk ? Idk idk I forgot the word (I'm not a native English speaker btw) it's when something goes below your expectation ? The event pretty much flopped, the tables were expensive, and I didn't sell too much. Idk ? Today's the last day (thank GOD, I forgot how much of a hassle and a pain and how tiring it is) so let's see how this will go.

I am so excited for my winter break tho !!!!! Can't wait to just play games and draw fun stuff and rot. Yay ! Soon.....

Also ! Haikyuu movie is finally here in Brazil !!!!!!! YAS !!! I AM SO SO SO HYPED AND EXCITED ! I haven't gotten tickets yet ofc cuz I'm busy but soon...soon my dear...

And ? It think I might have a little infatuation with this guy on my class. He is very, and I mean, VERY, handsome, and pretty, he's so good looking, I'm embarrassed to interact with him, and I get all awkward and shy. I just forget how to behave normally ? And I try so FUCKING hard to act normal (more than usual since..I act like this all the time. It's the tism) anyways and I found out he's not actually dating anyone ? Last year I knew he had a gf (she's in my class too) and I swore they were still together, but just were very low profile. Turns out no they broke up. Ugh I just. And he makes silly jokes of me and just, acting like an annoying little shit (he's the youngest sibling) and keeps saying I'm bald and stuff like that (just cuz...I dyed my hair blond ? Idk what his thought process is) anyways so like. I can't even tell if he likes me as a person ? He also keeps saying fuck yourself constantly to me . Like. Uhm ? Idk ? I am very intimidated by him but I can't tell if it's because he's the most beautiful person I've ever seen or if it's cuz of these "jokes". At first I thought it was very mean, and I tend to take things vry literally so I tried my best to not interact with him because i didn't want him to keep saying mean things, and didn't want to ruin even more my reputation or what he thought about me, but then I realized he jokes like this with everyone ? Which, honestly, is very very stupid. Hes a little stupid. I think it's because he's a man.

Anyways, I'm just so confused. I'm trying not to think too much about it because I tend to over project and my mind spirals and I start imagining scenarios and I might get confused and convince myself I have feelings that I might not really have ? Idk... I know I'm a romantic for sure so like. I tend to imagine too much idk idk idk so I keep trying to rationalize and think straight. Like, we don't even get along that well ? I think ? I don't even know if we're even friends ? I know he knows prettier people than me. I'm not very good looking. I'm not very nice too. I'm not good at anything really, and I don't have a very good personality. I am just not good. I have a friend and she's so sweet, and her nickname is "jesus". Cuz she's just nice and hardworking, and she always tries her best. And... I won't lie. I really really like her, and I can tell you all these things are true about her. And...it makes a little. Envious. I wish people thought about me that way I wished I was naturally good, and not having to try my best and work to be normal every single day. I wished people would see how much I'm trying. I really really am trying. But it's just not a natural thing to me, I guess. I always, constantly have this feeling, that I'm always performing. Someone is always watching me. And I always have to be my best and try hard and I just. I force myself to be nicer, more considerate, more careful, more thoughtful. Because these things just don't come up to me naturally. I am not good. Sorry for the rant.

Ugh. I think I just am forcing myself to feel something, y'know ? I've always dreamed about falling in love. I don't think I've ever did. Nor will ever do. I am pretty sure I'm aroace anyways.

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. Why are boys so stupid.

I just hope things don't turn out the way it did before, with my ex best friend. To sum up, he had feelings, I THOUGHT I had feelings too, but I just really really liked him, as a friend. As a best friend, in fact. So I ended up things and we just. Don't talk or hang out anymore. Which made me pretty upset, and made me think I might had actual feelings. Turned out I was just fucking lonely and miserable, and he was my ONE ONLY friend. Now that I've been hanging around with my uni colleagues, I don't feel that alone anymore. I made more friends ! Yay !

Also ! Happy pride month ! Happy to say that it's been some months since I came out as gender fluid, and I am so proud and never been better and as confident ( with my physical appearance) as I was before !

Ugh anyways, thanks for listening to me. As always, I will try to work on myself and become a better person every day. Thank u all !

Oh ! Ps: I've been slowly eating more ! I might fail sometimes but I've been making sure to at least go to bed with a full stomach. So I won't wake up dying and feeling miserable and in pain. So this is an improvement I believe !

[vergilboyfriend]

That tweet always makes me deeply sad. I think it’s normal- in the same way that it’s normal to have thoughts that make us feel bad as soon as we thinking them commenting on someone’s appearance or character, things that were taught to us by example when we were young- to think things about others that paint them in a bad light. I don’t think it’s human nature to think badly about others but we are taught to do so whenever select humans behave badly. It’s a complicated issue, I don’t think anyone necessarily means to hurt others but we’re all caught up in this violent cycle of being hurt and hurting others in return and it’s something that’s terribly difficult to break out of. And in the same way i don’t think it’s mean to think like “this person probably hates me/thinks I’m annoying” because nobody would think that if someone at some point didn’t flat out tell them they were annoying like babies and toddlers do not think their crying is annoying until they’re old enough to be made to feel that way. At the same time i would never ever even if i was upset with someone or if they caught me at a bad time or if they were asking me a million weird questions while im trying to help them with their first request and for the love of god please give me a minute I am trying to finish doing the first thing you asked me to do. Um thinking about customers here even though situations like that are insanely common and just as annoying I wouldn’t want anyone on earth to think that I think badly about them because I don’t I just don’t and maybe I do briefly think so but I don’t truly mean it in the same way that I don’t mean any mean thing that comes to my mind at first. Anyway all that to say I love you all even if it doesn’t seem like it and also peace and love on planet earth and finally we need to be kinder to each other that’s the only way we are going to make it is if we are so kind to one another

[lifewithoutmeds]

june 29, 2023

thursday, 7:34 p.m.

as usual, upon writing, i’m feeling minimally better today than i have probably been for at least the past 10 days.

i’ve been stuck in a cycle of getting out of bed late, watching dumb youtube videos, reading dumb facebook posts, and eyes just pretty much glued to my phone every waking hour of everyday. i’m looking at weird stuff too, outside of my normal healthy stuff. i’m watching police body cam video of people behaving badly and the police actually having a lot more patience than the average person, and i’m reading a lot of AITA and “Entitled Karen” posts on facebook which are usually just a bad, ad-ridden collection of reddit posts with poorly written commentary and unnecessary summary surrounding it. typically halfway through or so, before i get to the clickbait story i had initially seen that had drawn me in, the whole website crashes and i have to go back to facebook and scroll through until the next thing catches my eye. i watch/listen to youtube until i fall asleep, then sleep for anywhere between 8 and 13 hours, depending on what i’m required to do the next day. last friday i slept for 13 hours. last “night” i fell asleep before 6:30 p.m. 

it’s a weird sensation. there’s nothing in the day really to look forward to or that gives me much joy or hope. sleeping seems like the best course of action. i struggle to do simple things like take out the trash/recycling, wash the dishes. i’ve been only showering maybe once a week and even getting the mail seems cumbersome.

work is rough. i have no problem sitting at the dining table, but tearing my eyes away from the phone even for a few minutes is difficult. i sit, uncomfortably for hours on end, but get very little done. i respond to most emails but have difficult doing the work or research that they entail.

i’m not eating well, i’m not exercising, i don’t have a lot of plans for the future or goals that i can think of. everything seems quite wearisome. there may have been one day in the past week where i went outside for a morning walk, but otherwise it’s felt too hard to do so.

however, it seems the days in which i have the strength/motivation/wherewithal to journal, those are relatively good days and not representative of all of the days in between.

the last couple weeks in review: monday, june 19: had dinner with my mom at a very expensive but extremely mediocre sushi restaurant off of foothill in la crescenta next to a car wash. i should have known. we then went to the burbank AMC to watch Past Lives, and got some Pinkberry frozen yogurt in between. the movie wasn’t great, but also learning that my mom had gotten dangerously close to hanging herself at the sylmar house closet while living with my dad was extremely upsetting and triggering. i spent days ruminating over that as well as my dad’s behavior the past 40 years and wondering whether i should just cut ties with him completely. tuesday, june 20: amy ended up canceling for lunch, as she had meetings come up. wednesday, june 21: grabbed a drink with gyoon after work downtown at the arts district brewery before meeting esther and her sister for dinner at the nearby Taberu. dinner was ok, then we got a few drinks afterward at Propoganda. i tried to be in good spirits but was really struggling mentally to keep it together. friday, RDO: slept an unhealthy amount. 13 hours, beating my old record of 12 hours. saturday, june 24: spent the entire day cleaning and preparing for at home kbbq dinner with tracy and her wife. also taught and played a few games of monopoly deal. also briefly saw amy and her daughter on their way home from their visit to see jenny. tuesday, june 27: in office. wednesday, june 28: WFH plus psychiatrist zoom appointment in which i updated her on my medication side effects, namely: a decrease in itching/rash and sobbing, and an increase in sleepiness, irritability, random irrational pain in my foot, and rumination. she seemed pleased that the itching/rash had gone away and starting today i increased my dosage from 25 mg to 50 mg. unfortunately, the effective dose is 200 mg and i can only ramp up 50 mg at a time and side effects can onset at every dose increase so i could anticipate two more months of despair and side effects before feeling any better. looking ahead: friday: will be hosting xio and matt for kbbq dinner. will need to clean and buy groceries. will be good to see them, but i know they’ve been struggling physically (xio) and mentally (matt) so i’m a little nervous that we’re all so sad but maybe it’ll be ok. saturday: celebrating zoe’s bday at lana’s place. taco guy will start at 12:30 p.m. but i’ve been asked to come earlier, around 9am to come help. also to bring my Yeti. looking forward to seeing people and getting out of the house. sunday: church with mom. tuesday, july 4: will go hang out with Rhiannon as we both have no other friends and no other plans. friday, july 7: will hang out with stephen, who i haven’t seen in years. saturday, july 8: quasi-monthly brunch with amy (lee)

my life feels stagnant and without hope or joy, but i suppose a tiny minuscule part of me wants to live as it keeps texting people stupidly and making plans that i have trouble keeping up with at times.

  random journal prompt: what is a unique talent that you have?

so i had to scroll through like 20 prompts before i could find something that i thought i could think of a response. i think i’m good at explaining things without making people feel bad. i think i’m a fairly good teacher and i think i do it in a way that feels genuine and well-intentioned and non judgmental. i’m thinking recently of how i taught tracy how to surf fish and tracy and her wife how to play Monopoly Deal. i don’t really get frustrated with explaining and re-explaining as necessary, and it’s so important to me that they don’t struggle and have a good time, that i think i check in a lot with them, for understanding, for their feeling. i think i’m good at not pushing things onto others if i sense they’re not feeling up to it. i think i create a non-threatening environment, and i think i’ve been able to teach and share my interests with a lot of people in that way, mainly with fishing and monopoly deal. i try to make sure people have a good time. i think that’s a good thing.