#like at what point does someone realize theyre a miserable person

[nanitecitys]

imo it will always be a million times more cringe and insufferable to be an adult who actively makes fun of people who have harmless interests than it is to be an adult who is just really into cartoons or something idk

[inamagicalhallucination]

so it happens on a mission that aku gets hit with an ability

he didn't meant to be hit

he honestly wasn't in the range to be hit, it was just... well he saw it go towards the jinko and his body just reacted. it was just practical that someone without anxiety got hit, yeah. that's what he was sticking with.

-

he wakes up in a room not his own, wearing kitty pajamas he does not own

he reaches for rashomon, she does not reach back

he grabs something as a makeshift weapon and walks out, ready to claw his way away and-

"ryuunosuke you... you wear the pajamas i got you?" atsushi

he whirls, atsushi is standing there with coffee cups in his hand, one he's sipping from and one he's holding out to aku

he makes no comment on akutagawa's makeshift weapon

akutagawa, from pure confusion ends up spilling, in his "what the fuck is going on jinko"

he's a college student here, roommates with atsushi -- they've been friends for two years now... atsushi, though confused at first and offering to call his doctor friend who's "only scary when she wants to dissect you!!" but eventually he decides that it must be true becuz this aku is very different from his own aku though his personality is still pretty cute -- like when they got in a fight and aku slapped his hand away and atsushi said "ow" cuz it hurt and he just stopped and apologized for the whole day -- seemingly surprised that it would hurt him at all

a few days in this dimension though,

-

akutagawa wakes up in another bed

he's not traveling to another dimension -- he's travelling through multiple dimensions

this one he wakes up in a small apartment, he looks around for atsushi but he isn't there -- he's confused and disoriented and he gets dressed, is extremely lucky that this aku's phone has the same password as his own, and tries to follow this aku's steps int he hopes of gaining some balance

this aku always visits a coffee shop -- it's written into his calendar and schedule

aku considers ignoring it -- but a flash of white catches his eyes and he walks in, and there behind the counter with a pleasant smile

he doesn't know why atsushi turns red when his face unwillingly melts into something at someone familiar or why he stumbles and trips when aku calls out to him (careful not to use jinko when last atsushi didn't have powers and just Stared at him)

he stays at the cafe wondering if its a coincidence that both universes had atsushi this close

probably

he watches atsushi anyway

a day into this universe and then

-

he wakes up in a warm bed, comfortable, the sun on his skin from the window, a warm body behind him, an arm over his body-

he jolts up

atsushi jinko

blinks awake, sitting up and with him asking whats wrong and aku's eyes land on a ring

a ring on atsushi's finger "YOU'RE MARRIED???"

"uhh yes dear, we're married um are you sick?"

akutagawa does not faint

a week of domestic bliss

-

and he wakes up to a pleasantly aching body and atsushi sitting on the bed reaching for his shirt

he hides himself under his blanket, face red as the dots connect

and muffled under his blanket he asks if theyre dating

theres a heavy pause

then

"ask me when u havent just had an orgasm... when ur serious"

and a few minutes later the door clicks shut

akutagawa pulls himself out of his blanket

lays there

and in a moment of something strange, writes down a note for this dimension's him to ask again

and then over and over again from one reality to another

for weeks or for a few hours

one atsushi to another atsushi to another-

every universe that he goes in, in some he's happy, in some he's about to reach happiness, and in some he has nothing -- and its all because of atsushi

and at some point he gives that universe's akutagawa's number to atsushi becuz he knows it'll bring light into this miserable reflection for him

or he leaves a note to try try try

but over and over

until he wakes up with a teary eyed atsushi

how has he never realized...

all the atsushi's were lovely and pretty and perfect but his... this atsushi

he sits up to reach over the bed and melt into a confused atsushi's arms

just for a moment

/

now did various aku's pop up in canon verse aku's body leaving a confused atsushi wondering if this is another aku and aku has to like convince him that he's actually his aku lmao

/

also it was

college/roommates au

cafe au

married au

fwb au

and a bunch more but i got tired of thinking

[dullgecko]

i think fig is the absolute last person to realize theyre not a girl. its not that the closet is glass its that they think they are frolicking in a field, closet? yeah im gay what about it? everyone knows?, everyone sees that they are trans in some way and just. assumes they know. and will talk about it when they want to. or that they know but are just keeping it to themselves yk. that they dont really mind the she/her pronouns enough to come out.

i think gilear is the first to notice, not in a ‘i think my child is trans way’ he just slowly (accidentally) starts calling them child instead of daughter and stops using figueroth and instead uses just fig. fig themself doesnt notice one bit and neither does gilear tbh, but at some point he is exclusively using gender nuetral terms for them and it feels a lot more normal than using feminine terms so he sticks with that

the bad kids all notice. gorgug considers reaching out when he first starts thinking about gender stuff, to ask for advice about how theyre so unbothered by it, but maybe hes misreading them and its not being unbothered but actually just not being ready to talk about it so he goes to kristen instead

sometimes kristen and gorgug will both talk to jawbone about gender things, and he doesnt really have personal experience but he has enough second-hand experience to help, at one point he asks them why fig doesnt talk to him about it — “does fig talk to you guys?” “no? i think they talk to gilear about gender stuff, he always seems up to date on it. they havent come out ?? so weve just been quiet about it” jawbone tries to drop hints and fig is completely oblivious (“so, fig, i heard theres this educational event for parents of gender-questioning and trans kids. im planning on going. do you think i should invite gilear?” “oh yeah that would probably be great for working with kids! for his job! as the assistant principal! oh or do you mean for fabian? theres definitely something goin on with fabian. i dont think fabian knows he has gender baggage yet?” she has NO idea save her)

adaine, riz and fabian have no clue what to do so they just dont really mention it. adaine has seen a prophetic vision that just happened to have fig with an ‘all pronouns’ pin, but like, you dont just mention that to someone ?? fabian fully doesnt say anything about it, riz forced himself to not investigate anything because its none of his business but ooooo he wanted to. he really wanted to. then again he would fail miserably at clocking non-goblinoids on trans stuff anyways because there is simply no way that goblins have anywhere close to similar gender structures to humanoid races

ayda is chilling with it, she may be a lesbian but she really couldnt care less what gender fig turned out as. i think eventually adaine confides with ayda about her vision and ayda just asks fig what pronouns theyd like to go by, fig is absolutely flabbergasted when they realize they have to think about it for multiple seconds before realizing that they really dont mind any of them. they decide this is most definitely not a trans thing, just a ‘i dont really mind 🤷 ill just use she/her since its what everyone sees me as anyways! surely everyone feels this same way!’

ayda prompty forces her to talk to kristen and gorgug about it and after doing so lots and lots they realize, finally, that theyre genderfluid. this takes time to sink in tbh, i dont think fig would just be okay im trans time to move on, and i think they would take every step in their transition really slowly actually. they find it lots of fun though!

everyone is pretty surprised to know fig didnt know they were trans, but coming out is so easy when 1 your friends are awesome and 2 you say “im genderfluid” and everyone says “oh you finally figured it out!” so everything falls in place very seamlessly

Gotta love a good trans bad kid headcannon. A+

[golbrocklovely]

i saw someone on twitter seriously have a go bc snc were focusing more on their social life than their professional life. like what? thats insane. they’ve worked 24/7 for the last 10 years. they deserve to enjoy themselves for a while.

and i have to laugh. people saying theyre going to stop watching snc and laugh as their careers fumble? babes, if they depended solely on yt views for income they’d be uploading far more frequently. besides, they have 12 million followers and easily bag a million views on a video in the first 24 hours. a few dozen fans boycotting them is not going to make even an ounce of difference. but hey, if it makes you feel better, all power to you. (“you” being those fans ofc). not to mention they have investments and other business endeavours outside of youtube. your online hissy fit will do jack shit. (again, “you/your” being those fans)

:)

i think that's the thing i find so funny about this fandom. first off almost 99% of the drama is started by twitter. or at the very least they're the loudest at all times. they also think a lot of us feel the same way as them just bc it's an echo chamber over there. so when they all start calling snc out on something or think that that everyone feels the same way, they feel like they are making an impact by saying they'll leave or stop supporting if snc don't meet their demands.

and babes, if you really aren't enjoying your time here, you can go. it's fine. no one is holding a gun to your head and telling you to stay. but don't expect snc to do everything you want them to do. it's just not gonna happen.

sometimes i don't get this fandom. bc look, when i was here back in 2020/21, i got some of the backlash that the boys were facing. i understood parts of it, for sure. but there was a lot, and i do mean a lot, of extra shit that went on that made it much worse. and that side of the fandom… they cried wolf too many times. you don't get to do that repeatedly and then think that snc are gonna stick around to actually hear what you gotta say.

and especially rn, what exactly are ppl pissed off about?? bc look, you wanna say you miss when they were posting a lot more, sure. i get that. i miss them posting more often too. but you gotta also realize maybe WHY they aren't posting so much. and blaming their new gfs isn't one of those reasons.

they have explained that they basically had little to no personal life at one point, that all they were doing is working. that they didn't get to spend time with their friends or gfs bc they were working so much. sam, the man that never addresses drama, is asking fans to cool it. he full on said that he was miserable a year or so ago bc of all the stress he was under. and then colby, the man that doesn't cry ever, had a full on break down in 2022. and didn't even admit it until midway thru 2023. he doesn't read comments anymore bc they get so bad sometimes. or how about that colby even stated that he didn't even want to tell this fandom that he had cancer bc he knew how everyone would react if he went bald………. what does that tell you???? that we aren't trustworthy. that snc feel the need to pull back bc we are all toxic.

at what point do we turn the mirror on ourselves and realize hey, maybe i've taken things too far??

and reality is, a LOT of this only popped up once they both got gfs. a lot of fans say those two aren't to blame or they're not upset or they don't actually want to date snc, but at the end of the day them finding someone to love was the straw that broke the camels back. and you gotta sit back and wonder why does seeing snc happy make me upset and want to leave?? (if someone reading this is one of those fans)

bc rn, i'm more into snc than i have been in a while. i want to see them happy and healthy and enjoying life. sure, colby being in his feels (or sam even) was a fun time, sure. i love me some balcony tweets. but at the end of the day, i don't want him jaded and unable to find love again. why the fuck would i wish that on someone i love dearly??? same with sam. sure. i can joke about kat and how i want her new song to tear him a new one, but i still want him to be happy. i want him to be able to move on from his relationship with her. and that's not a cut at her. no one should be stuck feeling like shit. take it from the person that has been like that for years and still really is in one way or another: i wouldn't wish heartache on my worst enemy. so why would i do that to someone i say i care about??

but back to your ask lol

yeah, the twitter fandom thinks it's all high and mighty but it lost that spark by 2022. their words mean nothing, snc have pulled back bc that side of the fandom sucks (but also bc they want a break), and now they are facing the consequences of their actions and don't like it. womp womp. there's still almost 12 million of us babes. a couple 100 of you leaving ain't gonna do shit.

[cowedeakamatsu]

Ahem Ahem. Welcome everyone to yet another cowede peptalk about themselves cos... lets face it i have an issue. (part final)

Now another (shorter digression) ? I have an alter ego for when im in cowede is the fucking best mood. an alter ego that ironically was inspired (and adapted to my vision) of some stuff X did. that alter ego is catichi. catichi is factually a brat, they are so adorable the universe will bend to his will and nobody could ever told him no, so pervy that he will fuck at lightspeed while making the lewdest sounds and faces ever known to man said universe while they bent. he knows it, and he LOVES it. and through him i'm loving it too. basically if i play catichi ? i'm having a total blast, buuuut i'm also probably going to stress overthinking and worry i make it a bad experience for my partner because of what X had on me. so i decide "fuck it, you know what ? this statue quo sucks, ima let out the catichi" coincidently at that time pen decided after realizing that yes, novelai cost money, thers other solution but they even require a veeeery good pc and time to learn how to do it, or have veeeery... subpar quality (or that one thing that @makoto-naegi-stud-and-friends found that i cant quite remember, i'll let you tell them you stud) so they decided to create @filthypen ! and their blog ? pretty damn great! super lewd, stll have stuff to learn but its a fun read and cool funny kinks, we also started rping and while we dont get eye to eye on writing style yet because of a core difference in our writing style, the rp is fun! + it feels like i can teach someone some stuff i learned in my relatively long career of shit smutt writing. so i decided to adopt the catichi persona with them, cos it makes me feel good. aaaand thinking that this status quo suck, i decided to also take that persona with X. trying to share positivity. result ? constant super cold response from X i try to engage in some stuff, give them stuff to say but they dont, which being in my boots is reading like "i dont care that youre having fun, stop doing that, and get back to being the one who does tremendous effort". Since they are overobssesed with cucking, probably because theyre either secretely a boy with a micro penis who needs to be validated as an alpha, or because they suck at anything socialy and wants to be glorified (which i both get and dont judge, to be clear) I decide "hey, lets do a funny thing where i act even more like a brat because catichi mode, and I say that i'm so much better (in a lewd catichi way (if u know u know)) that i'll probably make X get cucked when their thing is cucking people". and they took it bad, like emotionally bad. and at this point ? i was fucking done, I finnaly let out my frustrations in a huge message (not as huge as all those, like... 2000 characters ? around that, it all fit into 1 discord message) and i tell them i wont block them (because they already used 4 times before the "please dont leave me i have fear of abandonement" WHICH SPOILER BITCH, EVERYONE HAS) but that i'll come back when theyre an actual good person that does effort and STFU. it was followed by them writing a total of 48 messages of pure insults (some in russian) and denial that any of this was their fault because "they have dimentia" and how im a stuck up bitch that does no effort because I DARE ask them to do long response, they also go in a sideline about paranoid unrelated stuff like being watched constantly as an excuse for leaving half ass answer all the time and to be fair i just quick read through and didnt care. they also came to my dms and had a mental breakdown before finnally blocking me. And man it feels GOOD. i have just One message to say : if you have really dimentia X ? I am sorry... except i am not, wanna know why ? because youre nothing but a BITCH. a whinny, INCAPABLE, STUCK UP BITCH, that Cant do shit on their own, Will die alone, miserable in paranoia, and will have deserve every single fucking moment. You are not a good person. You are nothing, unimportant, and if what you show is what you are ? nobody will miss you. ever.

[miscellaneous-ruminations]

it feels so bad to talk to him. i feel so miserably ashamed of feeling bad talking to my own partner. the times we talk to each other and it goes well are diminishing in frequency, and i feel like he’s turning into another person before my eyes. i don’t know what to do with this person who dislikes me, dislikes spending time with me, or likes me but hates me? he treats me like a hated little sibling, always getting in his way. i’m not even treated like his friend. why does this happen to be how he does it. we need couples therapy. i need therapy. ive had the tome of my life without him. i dont know whats happening.

and yet he claims he needs me and clings to me whenever my negative reaction gets too obvious to ignore. he takes on this expecting to be punished attitude and im like am i even here to you? are you even experiencing my presence? it feels like he’s living in a monologue and is just talking with a version of me that he controls, and punishing me when i don’t adhere to it.

IVE FELT LIKE MYSELF WHILE HES BEEN GONE!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COPE WHEN HE COMES BACK WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

and yet i love him and i miss him and i dont

i have been making excuses for him for three years. no if ands or buts. i have been making excuses to people whose opinions i care about more than his. i have lost my own good opinion.

why do i have to worry about the giant fight itll be when i get upset that all he can talk about is his fomo when i bring up my fun things.

i realized that i dont even really talk anymore. he dominates every conversation, and aside from literally just jokes and the occasional deep conversation that he treats like derailing his day, the expectation is that i will be there to be his everything and not have my own life. not have my own friends. not have my own interests. i cant go to anything without him. and he has the excuse of being my ride.

and oh, when hes at his best and functioning normally he can act rationally and be “generous” and “let” me go without him, but the second hes even a littleee insecure about ANYTHING and i can pry him off me wothout a fight where he paints me as a bigass overreactor while being the one who cant let the fucking thing go!!! what am i supposed to do!!!!!

we let outselves get really entangled really codependent at the beginning. i wont pretend it wasnt mutual. but in spite of that i feel like im the ONLY ONE TRYING TO GET US OUT OF THE DEATH SPIRAL

why am i the only one trying

why am i the only one trying

and he says im reading too much into this that im being unfair but you cant “its not that deep” your way out of this you bastard. because there is a point where it is that deep. where i leave the confines of this relationship and cant contribute to someone who wants to hear from me because im used to being the silent spaghetti wall. when im not contributing ideas because im worried about that GODDAMN CONDESCENDING “WELL YOU DONT GRASP THE SOCIAL ELEMENTS OF THIS” SMUG ASS FUCKING…… AOUGH

YOU WOULD NOT HAVE DATED ME IF I WAS NOT SOCIALLY ADEPT. I AM BEING HELD TO NEUROTYPICAL STANDARDS NOT ETHICAL AUTISTIC ONES AND I AM TIRED OF SUFFOCATING UNDER THE STANDARDS YOU HOLD YOURSELF TO BECAUSE THEYRE COMFORTABLE. THEYRE NOT FOR ME. IM NOT ENTERTAINING IT ANY LONGER

HE HAS GIVEN ME A SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER. I CANT STEP AWAY FROM IT!!! I HAVE NO FRIENDS THAT I CAN BE MYSELF WITH WITHOUT HIM INTERFERING AND INSERTING HIMSELF. AND HE SAYS HES FINE WITH IT HE SAYS HE IS AND THEN ILL NEED TO DO NOTHING BUT BE IN THE ROOM WOTH HIM WHILE HE SEWS AND WASTE MY EVENING BEING A SEXY LAMP!!!!! AND IF IM ANGRY OR FEEL USED OR ANYTHING ELSE IT TURNS INTO A FIGHT WHERE IM IGNORED IN FAVOR OF TALKING ABOUT HOW SAD IT IS THAT HE HAS THIS INFURIATING DEFENSIVENESS AND HOW HARD IT IS FOR HIM AND HOW MUCH HES TRYING. BULL SHIT! NOT FUCKING BUYING IT!!!! ARE YOU CHANGING? ARE YOU TRYING??? BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE SOENDING ZERO TIME AND ZERO CONSISTENT EFFORT ON CONSISTENTLY NOT BEING AN ASSHOLE TO ME

AND ANOTHER THING!!! HIS OCD RULES THIS FUCKING HOUSE!!!! THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO AVOID THE FACT THAT NO JOB I EVER DO IS ENOUGH HE WANTS TO BE MATRON WITH ME AS THE DELEGATE BUT I CANT FUCKING GET IN THERE BECAUSE WHAT HE ACTUALLY WANTS IS TO DO IT HIMSELF

I NEED HIM TO GET MEDICATED FOR HIS OCD AND PTSD IT IS FUCKING RUINING *MY* LIFE. AND I DONT THINK HE CARES. I DONT THINK HE CARES ENOUGH ABOUT HIS IMPACT ON ME TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. BECAUSE I THINK ON SOME LEVEL HES LIKE WHERE WOULD HE GO.

and thats so fucking dangerous. he can justify fucking anything with that. and i will not be a part of it. im building my own fucking life back and if i encounter resistance i dont like the shape of he can start taking a fucking backseat. if he wants to be my friend he can start acting like my fucking friend again. but until that time hes my mentally ill shithead boyfriend. who i love. god help me i love him. g-d, help me if i need to learn to leave him.

[beaniebabs]

Heyy here to tell yous abt my sunflora gijinka:3

To start off with. Sanii as a young kid was incredibly weak and because of that he learned at an early age, that if you weren't strong enough to fend off for yourself you would be killed. But all he could rly do in those moments was run away or hide, getting to a point where he couldn't FIND the will or reason to keep going. He was just tired and knowing day after day he'd just have to exhaust himself trying to avoid danger, he didn't want to keep living like that so death sounded like a much easier option.

It got worse when he stumbled upon the activities of team plasma, and not wanting their secrets to get out, they started tracking the kid down. If it weren't for someone stepping in and saving him he would have just given up and let himself be killed in hopes maybe the next life things would turn out better for him.

After he was saved there was a period in his life where he was able to relax a bit, he hadn't healed quite yet but he was finally able to live a life that wasn't just running until you got exhausted. Unfortunately it wouldn't last forever because realizing this person who saved him was actually becoming important to him, his fears once again returned- that something would come for him and this time he would be putting someone else in danger. So without a word he left that night in hopes this would at least keep that person safe.

From them on he had a new goal, not motivated by any real desire to live, but out of pure spite towards the world and how it betrayed him, seemingly going out of it's way to make him miserable at every turn. Throughout his life he'd dedicate his being to enacting his revenge on this cruel world, hurting others as if it could ever take away even a fraction of the pain he felt. He never got stronger bc he wanted to, but bc he grew up in a world that seemed to despise him and forced him to adapt to it's cruelties, becoming just as cold and uncaring </33

When he traveled with his team at first he still held a strong distrust,, he'd only ever used other ppl for his own needs and goals and never putting any real faith in them, then leaving after he'd got what he wanted. Initially he thought this time would be no different, but eventually he does grow to trust and care for the rest of the team- learning that maybe there is more to life than hatred and chasing after revenge.

It seems he learned this too late though, as his years of betrayal finally caught up to him and an old enemy comes back to haunt him. Knowing once again that this time, he'll be putting those he cares about in danger- he runs away so the others won't suffer the consequences of his mistakes. Luckily it doesn't work this time when the people he's running away from in order to protect drags him back. One lady in particular being VERY very insistent that he should stay and that it would be worth fighting off anyone if it meant they could be together and that he'd be happy. Really normal bestie things (Theyr in love) anyways that's all for now I'll explain more some other time.....so be prepared 😈

YIPPEE SANII LORE JOIN THE SANII GANG OR ELSE ‼️‼️‼️‼️ He Is Not A Villain He Is Just So Scared And Hurt And Angry And Confused . Little Meow Meow Prrr Mrrp . the 🥺💖

[coughloop]

(screenshotting all of this to condense it a little)

I really appreciate the time and effort you put into writing all this and it feels like you sent this in actual good faith unlike a lot of the messages ive gotten the last couple days so I'm going to try to respond and talk through my feelings about it in as well thought out a response as I can (although i am not always the most succinct with my conclusions). My apologies if i contradict anything I've said in the last couple of days but im going to try to express where i am, at this moment in my understanding of cnc and everything else thats been talked about.

putting this under a read more cause it got really long

First off, I want to clarify that the stuff I have REALLY been disgusted with that has come out in the last few days has been 4 main groups:

1. the people that have made public their pedophilic fantasies, and the fact that you can point to people in these circles that have groomed minors in the past or are actively doing it right now.

2. the people posting about their fantasies of sexually abusing family members and strangers alike (which i realize now is seperate from cnc fantasies).

3. the people fantasizing about raceplay (which is just straight up getting off to racism).

4. the people who have defended any of these things either by doing so directly or by going out of their way to spread misinformation about what the original callouts were about to downplay what was originally said and what people were so disgusted by and to make it sound like people were just freaking out because some trans women on this site are "having sex that puritans dont like" (seriously if you're in this group and were part of shifting the narrative, fuck you)

Second, I agree with the disclaimed you sent afterwards. After having a talk with my partner and reading a couple blog posts about what cnc is, I think I had a different understanding of what it can be, and I think i had a very specific, negative image in my mind of what the average CNC scenario actually is. I realize it is probably more of a spectrum with space to play in (like consensual use of rope play or pushing someone against a wall because you both like the feeling, both things i have tried and enjoyed to some degree) could arguably be considered CNC while both parties can be made to feel completely safe through the entire experience.

I do not personally think going as far as actually roleplaying a rape scenario sounds healthy at all. I feel like that is the time in a consensual sexual encounter most likely to be misused by someone with an imbalance of power and safety to pressure someone into a situation they can very quickly dislike and feel unsafe in (like the anonymous message I got earlier about someone else with experience in CNC).

I also know that I am not the sex police and while certain things happen behind closed doors I myself am not comfortable with, if two consenting adults can be comfortable with the scenario that's really no skin off my back, and genuinely I really dont care if I dont have to hear about it (disclaimer this does not apply to raceplay behind closed doors because while two adults may consent to it or whatever, they are actively engaging in racism and rationalizing it into a fetish that further hurts and demeans people of colour in the consenting adults eyes and its just really fucking racist listen to black people and dont fucking do that shit GOD).

To sum up, i dont actually think cnc has to be inherently abusive though i do believe more than all other kinds of consensual sex, it has the easiest leap to get there if partner's dont listen to eachother or try to push boundaries the other is not comfortable with. I think actual full on rape play sounds horrendous and bad and i dont think people should do it but i literally have no way of stopping them if theyre doing it behind closed doors. I think pedophiles and abusers should rot because i know how miserable they make the lives of their victims and fostering it in your community even if you claim you would never act on it or its all just edgy jokes or whatever is a horrible way to live and you need to get better and im going to block you and maybe warn people about you if i see you doing those things.

I hope this all made sense and I didnt ramble too much, i genuinely appreciate you sending your message because it helped me take a step back and think more about what exactly i am upset about and I hope this response is helpful for you too.

[planet4546b]

hello pls tell me about sam and emily and their relationship to each other <3

oh boy. oh boy alright then.

the thing that sucks is that, at the end of the day, samira and emily do not actually end up in a relationship at any point in the story. theyre this post

[id in alt]

its miserable. lets get into it.

a ton of sam's character in s/n is being completely, completely resistent to being a Part of this world - it's exemplified in her role as narrator, literally removing herself from the story in some way, but it persists to some of the smallest details of the way she interacts with the world around her. with the exception of the other three main characters, she doesn't attempt to get to know or make friends with anyone else in verge, she doesn't want to learn the history of stitch and staple no matter how much time she spends there, she treats the new things she interacts with with a sort of distant + scientific interest at best, if she doesn't completely dismiss them. it's this horrid sorta paradox where this is (according to her) the world she's doing everything to try to save, but she doesn't seem to care about it.

emily is the EXACT INVERSE OF THIS. of the rest of the cast, she is the MOST a PART of this world - even mel is so much more interested in her own weird set of motivations and her own personal flaws in a way that means she's a bit removed from the world, but emily? emily is a Person In This World. she loves her hometown and talks about it constantly, she cares deeply about her family, she's invested in the way that the city she lives in is constantly changing, she has a wide next of friends, she'll tell you myths and fairytales from her childhood, she's religious and involved in her religious community (it's a new religion thats still in the works, more details to come lol) (also not that these things are NOT true about mel, mel is just. uh. complicated. you get it). em is, in some ways, the only member of the cast that is more a real person than a character.

(maybe this is what happens when the narrator falls in love with you hmmmm maybe you get to be a fully realized person in their story hmmm)

because of this dynamic, samira is just kind of instantly enamored with em. emily is the single person that has the power to compel sam to care about this world and the things in it, and sam will just sort of watch starry eyed while em goes on and on about the history of st. elmos or loom or stitch and staple. em, meanwhile, sees just how much sam cares (albeit about her own world and history) underneath whatever weird heroic veneer she's projecting and is compelled by that, and by sort of the mystery around sam. emily does a lot of like asking questions to subtly try to find out more about sam's past. in a lot of ways, they're the trope of the endless optimist and the resolute cynic.

but also. sam is in NO WAY ready for a relationship at this point in her life, and she's also still incredibly focused on...whatever the fuck her end goal is (and also sam has Problems and and believes she doesnt deserves love or kindness, lol), so she plays this constant game of getting closer to em and then putting more distance between them. em is smart enough to see what's going on and also is trying to manage enough of her own shit that she's not going to push to be in a relationship with someone that, as far as emily can tell, is only going to be a part of this world until she's done saving it, after which she clearly has places to be (she doesn't, but this is the vibe she gives off). so they just kinda orbit each other and both are like a lot in love with the other and no one will act on it really.

sometime between act 2 and act 3, after the group splits up and has been apart for around a year, sam, who previously had literally dissapeared into the fog after The Jackie Incident, shows up completely at random at em's doorstep. she has CLEARLYYYY been up to something bonkers and done Some Shit but shes just like uhhm hi :) for no reason can i stay with you for a bit :) and em says yes. this is when they have an incredibly sweet and surprisingly domestic interlude - sam is still obviously keeping some big secrets, and emily has been up to her own stuff in the interim, but it's the absolute closest they get, despite the fact that staple, the city they're living in, is literally on the eve of war with it's neighbor (a war that mel is surprisngly involved in, btw). (this interlude is where this takes place btw. gotta plug my own art.)

i only mention this because it preludes the biggest betrayl between them, as we enter act 3. sam, after living with em for i thiiiiink close to a year, reveals that she is, again, going on a journey to try, again, to stop the end of the world, and needs em and mel to come with her. again. itll totally work this time! em is, understandably, mad, and also, as the journey goes on, can SEE that sam very very clearly believes herself doomed, and believes she's not making it out of this mission. emily refuses to get any closer to sam because she can see that heartbreak coming a mile off and is protecting herself in advance. she won't be in love with someone who's dooming herself. she won't do it.

so we end on this note, with all of this leftover love between them and with each of them knowing that they probably could have had something really good if not for each of their deep flaws and the specific ways they got in the way, with both of them knowing that the other is doomed, with the distance between them completely impossible to cross and yet. and yet.

its absolutely miserable!!! and the love was there and it didn't change anything!!! and sam is the narrator and tries and fails to give em a happy ending!!!! and em moves on but is also forever haunted!!!! UGH!!!!

anyways thank you as always these two are so fun to think about and are a relatively new addition to the story so its great to get to actually write out their dynamic!!!! here is a gift just for you and anyone else who made it this far: the official emira playlist. enjoy.

[liquidstar]

something the latest chapter of kaguya-sama made me realize is just how much better all of the characters are doing in their lives now because of their friendships with each other, and i just think thats so sweet.

kaguya herself used to be absolutely miserable and never smile, but then chika made her be her friend and miyuki made her join the student council and over time she became so much more open and happy, you really see just how important all her friends are to her when she’s afraid that she might lose all the pictures of them she’s taken, they absolutely melted this former ice queen’s heart. through the series she gets more and more warm and acts more like a typical happy girl. the ending song for the second season also makes it really obvious that she sees her friends as her happy place, an escape from her terrible home life, she really does love them so much. in the latest chapter she makes it so clear that her friendship with chika is just as important to her as her relationship with miyuki, and that the only reason she didn’t tell her was that she was afraid chika would be mad that she has a new special person in her life, but because chika loves her friend so much she’s nothing but happy to see her finally have more special people in her life too.

and miyuki of course has gotten a lot better when it comes to accepting his flaws and not seeing himself as a failure, he only ever initially drops this facade around chika who becomes sort of like, a mom friend to him, and since a lot of his issues stem from his mom abandoning him its really important for him to see that not everyone will. and later on its much more directly addressed between him and kaguya he becomes much more able to be happy with who he is and not push himself so much or be afraid that people will leave him for not being perfect. not to mention his friendship with ishigami who he actually confides a lot of his issues in, despite the fact that he gets his relationship advice from manga, but the scene of them laying down under the tree and just talking, while very funny, is still a really sweet moment. his relationship with kei is also very big, because thats his sister, but he also sort of fills the role their mother usually would have for her. and though she’s annoyed by it, its really important for her because its implied that when she was with her mom she wasnt exactly treated well, she ran away to be with her father and brother for a reason, and kaguya was the one that actually gave her the strength to do so so it all comes back full circle. 

but chika has her own issues too, she seems like a very simple character, a typical genki girl. but she was a musical prodigy as a child, winning award after award. and yet she was so unhappy with that very ridged life, she had no freedom and all she did was practice. you can see it in her eyes in the flashbacks, despite the praise and trophies her eyes were were so dead and she was so different from the happy carefree chika we know. but then kaguya sort of became the straw that broke the camel’s back that forced her to quit, and it wasnt really out of kindness at first, but their friendship ultimately is what made her become the chika we know, the one who loves to laugh and play, its like she’s making up for lost time and finally getting to be a kid with all her friends. she is very much the gifted child who lost her childhood because of it, but she’s so much happier now. not to mention her friendship with the table-top board game club! its not given as much focus but you can really see her thrive in something she’s truly passionate in now, she loves making games and playing them with her friends!

ishigami’s whole thing can be pretty heavy, its played off as a joke at first but he legitimately is explicitly suicidal, but hes able to get better with the power of friendship. miyuki was very literally portrayed as a light coming into his life when he first enters his room to save him from his isolation. even before that though, miko also helped him, even if he didnt realize it, she was the one that advocated for him not to be held back a year which prompted the student council to look into his case and help him too. he has to get over a lot of his anxieties, at first he’s even afraid of kaguya, but he warms up to her over time too and they develop a pretty sweet relationship with her as his sort of tutor. and very critically, he joins the cheer squad. he actually put himself out there and made “normie” friends and it turns out it wasnt so scary after all. and his crush on tsubame is so important, because she rejects him, but they stay friends. he never once feels like she owes him anything or “friendzoned” him, even if it hurt to be rejected he wanted to be friends. she was really afraid of losing her friend that she loves so much, those feelings of platonic love arent in any way seen as lesser. and she helps him in the end by making sure the school knows that hes actually a nice guy and that means the world to him. theyre still friends and that relationship is important to both of them.

similarly though, ishigami also helped miko before they were even friends without her realizing it. he saw how much she was struggling with the constant bullying and decided to leave her a note to tell her that it gets better, and it was an incredibly important thing that stuck with her for a long time. their entire relationship is defined as “two people who secretly help each other” because theyre both hold such high personal morals that they dont expect good deeds to have to be pointed out or repaid. and then when she ran in the election, miyuki helped her get over her stage fright so people wouldn’t make fun of her anymore, and because he’s such a nice guy he even offered her a seat in the student council where she’d make a bunch of new friends, and despite going through sort of a rough patch she’s still ultimately far more confident than she’s ever been and she’s absolutely ready to become the president next year now, finally achieving her goal. and her relationship with miyuki becomes very sweet as they develop their relationship in the “senpai-kun and kohai-chan” chapters where they just bond as friends, often through her weird emo poetry but he supports her despite being terrified of it. 

hayasaka is one of the most loaded characters in the series despite not being in the student council. the arc that focuses around her is even titled “ai hayasaka’s friends” because they’re what help her out of her situation. since she was a child she was used as a pawn by the shinomiya family, not unlike kaguya herself, and she considers kaguya to be like her precious little sister. but she’s also been manipulated into betraying kaguya by becoming a spy for her abusive family. and the amount of guilt she feels over it is so painful to watch, but she’s too afraid to do anything about it. when kaguya finally finds out, she’s not instantly forgiven, but for the first time in kaguya’s life she wants to forgive someone who betrayed her, and they talk it out, and they can finally become proper friends just like they always both dreamed of. her friendship with miyuki is interesting too, because they have a clash of ideals about not letting your “true self” be seen by people, because they wont love you anymore, and despite miyuki arguing against it, it very much is an idelogy he shared at the time. but when she finally does show her true self she’s loved, and in the valentines chapter she confesses to him, not out of love, but out of friendship. she asks him to be her friend, and her circle of friends just grows from there with all her facaudes dropped.

all of their arcs just play into the greater overall theme of the series, which just comes down to honesty and vulnerability with the people youre close to, the series may be a romance but it places such important emphasis on all its characters relationships and how they can make each other better, its so nice. theyre just friends and they care each other. 

[catravandece]

Oh my god ok wangning au based on this incredible art by @alfheimr​ (cql canon cuz im most familiar w/ it)

Knowing that lwj would probably rather spontaneously combust than willingly return to koi tower it’s sizhui who comes back from a guest lecture at 11 years old and says “hanguang jun, jin ling’s family has a corpse chained up in the basement?”

A few days later said chained corpse shows up on his dads bed looking extra morose and tortured while lwj heals various cuts and pops his leg back into place

they try to keep sizhui away at first, stop his memories from triggering to protect him from the realization that the world he loves made him an orphan twice over. but the kid is doggedly persistent and after a few visits it seems like nothing will happen. lwj introduces wen ning as “someone who needs us”

(sizhui is newly seventeen when he makes the connection- this is wen ning. hanguang-jun was friends with the yiling laozu who controlled the ghost general. both hanguang-jun and wen ning act like they’ve lost someone they loved. sizhui dreams that night of a blurry, charcoal covered face feeding him soup but the hands are so familiar. he spends the next day in the cold pond and vows never to bring it up to either of them)

Wen Ning lives in a long forgotten shrine just inside the border of cloud recesses closest to the jingshi. it’s only big enough for a few mats and most of the roof tiles are broken but it’s safer than bringing wn to the jingshi. When they find out who the martial god is that the shrine was built for they take care to always make sure his idol statue has a white flower to hold.

in beginning visiting is mostly just sitting in companionable silence. its easier when hanguang-jun brings sizhui, who asks some hard to dodge questions but is content knowing his dad has a friend. wen ning helps him with talismans (all of wwx’s work that the cultivation world still dares to use). 

wen ning makes a fire pit so at least lwj can have tea. maybe it’ll entice him to stay longer...

jin guangyao comes by soon after the stealing. he makes noises about visiting xichen but wangji sees his eyes darting around corners and past the treeline. A paper man trips the outer wards of the jingshi

lwj goes to the temple after escorting jgy out to find holes punched in every wall, broken tiles scattered over the floor and wen ning crouched terribly still amid the wreckage (a normal man would be heaving with sobs but wen ning is dead and can only smash out his feelings)

wangji sweeps everything into a pile and then starts playing his qin. he only plays wei ying’s songs. wen ning doesnt move for hours until he suddenly just falls over on his side. 

wangji hadn’t known until then whether or not wen ning actually needed sleep. turns out he doesnt need it but can be persuaded into it

lwj lays out two mats and they sleep through the night (fitfully, wen ning reaches out in his dreams and grabs the front of lwj’s robes. lwj holds on to his wrist the rest of the night)

Lwj was never resentful toward wen ning. Wen Ning kept wwx safe when wangji could not. Wen Ning is obviously in love with wei ying but at this point it’s a blessing to be around someone who doesn’t hate the love of lwj’s life. It takes a few days to get the words out (which wen ning spends constantly fearful lwj is gonna kill him for real for failing to keep wwx from dying, which would be just what he deserves) but lwj knows now to tell the people he loves what is important. So he doesn’t let this misunderstanding lie for very long

lwj feels guilty. even though he was enthralled, if lwj hadn’t intervened then wen ning could have spent this time in blissful ignorance, unaware of the miserable fact of wei wuxian’s death. but at the same time lwj is comforted by having someone to weather the grief with. someone else who loved wei ying (he doesn’t know it for a long time, but wen ning thinks the same)

one night wen ning follows lwj out on a night hunt. he makes sure to follow unseen- but ends up intervening when lwj takes on many more ghouls than he can handle. 

wen ning understands that this is lwj’s coping mechanism, throwing himself into the chaos, but he’s already watched one person he loved drive himself to ruin so he does everything possible to keep hanguang-jun in one piece, physically and mentally

so they night hunt together. wen ning gets to help a-yuan grow up (although he’s walking on eggshells the whole time). every year he helps lan wangji make a fire outside the temple and they burn joss paper. the rabbits love wen ning possibly even more than they love lan wangji and like to chew on his robes (wen ning lets them bc he is a noodle)

the art happens here bc only healing around the bunnies

grief and moving on family ;~;

Bonus wangningxian 

lan wangji would never let wn accompany him on night hunts when other sects are involved, but something about both jiang cheng and jin rulan and sizhui being at dafan mountain makes wen ning follow. he felt a major disturbance in the world just a few days prior. worrying never did wen ning wrong yet

he pretends to still be enthralled so the others don’t suspect wwx summoned him intentionally (of course he knows it’s wwx under the mask bc power of love and also nobody else is strong enough in demonic cultivation to control him)

when wwx asks next time they meet in yueyang, wen ning pretends to not know who broke him out of koi tower. he can save face for lan wangji that way. and besides, anyone can see that lwj and wwx are the kind of soulmates wen ning will never be to someone. 

lwj lets it slip anyway while he’s wasted. wwx accurately guesses at wen ning covering for lwj but is still an oblivious idiot

after the golden core reveal wangji and wen ning both carry wwx away

wei wuxian wakes up in a boat with his head in lan zhan’s lap and his feet tangled with wen ning’s boots. theyre nice boots- like something lan zhan would buy in white

they go to the guanyin temple. wwx is thankful that wen ning and lan zhan have had each other all the years he’s been dead. he wonders aloud if sizhui would be friends with wen ning now that they’ve all met, because obviously wen ning didn’t know any of the juniors until yi city

this is getting long so everything else happens as usual, wwx still goes on his lonely mental healing vacation, he runs into sizhui and lan zhan and wen ning on a night hunt on his way back and realizes watching the three of them interact that they’ve already been 3/4 of a family just waiting for him to come back

and it was all Gay and Good the end

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

He makes me livid! I get so mad!!! I don't understand him at all. He makes me go UGH but in bad ways.

I went off on him first before I realised what his problem was... Like total accusations and misfit drama. All paranoid loca. I don't give a shit.

I draw conclusions and those were the most obvious.

But when you know someone... You have to remember their stupidity. One time he confessed... And I already had decided to break up with him... I was all I'm waiting till his dad dies then I'm done. He's a good friend when he tries but he doesn't make me,a priority. And so I hadn't told him. I just tired of him,upsetting me so I had to remove me.

So he said he wouldn't do anything for his pain,then, he would take 2x his Percocet with 5 shots of tequila then treat me like shit.

I really hadnt noticed. I was all "oh he's just in his mood where he's decided I'm not important to him"

And true enough when he told me his dad died I walked away from our relationship.

But honestly ... Years later... I missed him.. Because he treated me best. Because I say I walked

I mean I left, completely.

But despite his faults he's always treated me best. I mean person to person. He didn't give me what I wanted from,the relationship. But as a low key friend, he understood me the most

He understood i was scared to go to sleep and he would stay on the phone and help,me,sleep so I could. No one else can do that. My daughter, if she was sleeping with me. I could listen to her breathe and I could fall asleep that way. Because it would calm my r breathing if she was sleeping that calm sleep,breath

But he knew all what to say. And I never had to tell him or even tell him I was afraid to sleep or even admit it to myself.

I hope this helps some of y'all that are anti medicine as well.

I don't like hospitals or doctors (I like my personal doctors But aside from them) in general. I'm afraid of them. They make me hostile. I feel like theyre some dangerous S&M dungeon

Go and wait for hours to get bad news then they don't give you what you need because you're so fucking exhausted they don't understand. Or don't care or are the ones that like to kill patients.

So I like my doctors although I have to wait for hours to see them past my appointment time, they take extra time to see me and cover what I think I need. Their quality is worth the wait. I have 3. Primary, Pain and Urgent Care. And I use the computer urgent care where I leave an online message after finishing a long ass quizz through the insurance website.

And whatever pills they give me, I Google to make sure they were right. They always are. Im also interested in what else the pills cover. Like i take 2 different anti seizure pills for pain and one also for insulin sensitivity increase and metabolic increase. And i take an antidepressant that also covers fibromyalgia.

I have 13 prescriptions. Monthly. Some I have to take more than once per day. Plus i take vitamins.

Then I Google the pharmacy pills to make sure the pharmacy was right.

So.

I get it. Sometimes I don't want to take 13 prescriptions more than once per day or even at all.

But we need to know what we are taking and why.

And why it is important.

And we need to take our medicine. So we can survive

I think this information is especially important during this epidemic.

Now realize that antibiotics are not useful on viruses unless the virus causes a bacterial infection. Like.

A cold is a virus but in some people like myself and used to in my daughter, causes a severe sinus infection which requires antibiotics.

I know the point at which we need antibiotics and so i go to my urgent care lady because she understands and we just do a walk in. And i don't overwhelm my doctor who is taking time to give quality care and has long waiting patients.

But otherwise a virus does not respond to antibiotics. And anti-virus medications are quite rare.

Flu shot... But not a cold shot..

So we take over the counter medicine for our symptoms. Like coughing and runny nose

Sinus pressure in the eyes, nose, teeth. Jaw.

If you have a tooth ache you can take sinus medicine. Because the worst tooth pain is actually in your sinus cavity! That's a secret trick. Works every time.

So basically anytime you have facial pain that doesn't respond to Tylenol or ibuprofen or alieve, you can take sinus medicine. Also ear pain.

Google sinus cavities in the face and you'll see why.

Now an ear and sinus infection is a bacteria, usually but usually our bodies can fight it Well without an anti biotic. As long as it is treated with over the counter medicine. But sometimes, like with myself and my daughter, sometimes an antibiotic is needed..but that is after at least a week to 10 days of serious green overflow that doesn't respond to over the counter medicine.

Sometimes the bacteria is lab revealed by terrorists during the "flu and cold season" to create an income for pharmaceutical companies. For my daughter and i, they're usually too strong for our immune system.

Although since my ex husband left town, my daughter's immune system has significantly became stronger. While mine has not. So she needs less antibiotics, than I do.

Otherwise, my body can fight it on its own with a few doses of otc.

I had a tooth pulled a few years ago.. It created a pathway to my sinuses. I could rinse water in my mouth and it would come out my nose. I saw an ear, nose and throat specialist whom said i needed surgery immediately to repair my nose.

I said no thank you mother fucker

I had to have clearance from my cardiologist. So i took a stress test and failed. So i had to have an ultra sound. It wasn't good. But they said I could have the surgery since it was simple.

I said that's cool, but I don't want to.

I haven't done it. So I get sinus infection and pain quite often. My bone structure in my nose is center in my right nostril. Meaning it's really fucking bad

From being punched in the face a lot. The surgery sounds fucking horrible. And it's a cosmetic change.

I'm all nope. I'm a single mom. She don't take good care of me. I'll drown in the blood sliding down the back of my throat.

The tooth removal was so bad... It was horrible. There was blood every where for days... I can only imagine the nose surgery would be the same

I also hate the smell of blood. So I'm like no. It sounds like the most miserable thing.

If I had someone to take care of me and baby me like a little blood soaked lamb in need of care... That's s different story.. But I don't have anyone that would take care of me

After my tooth... I was throwing up the blood and my kid just stood there and stared,. Which I wanted to hide it from her I was sick... But I was in the kitchen and began violently puking in the trash can... Scared her to death

"Mom I'm scared"

"I am, too. This has never happened before"

So yeah fuck that nose. I got one crooked fucking nose. And it makes me sick.

She wants me to have surgery so I'll quit snoring.

Well.

Ear plugs are at the Dollar Tree, babe.

So y'all take your pills that you need

Some one cares about you

And they don't want to slap your face off. But you'll drive them to it. And a crooked nose isnt all its cracked up to Be. It pretty much sucks.

I can't even blow it Like a normal person....

[kyanmaaaa]

i told my bro abt this dream and hes just like why are your dreams so dark (so like, tw for this one)

but honestly i didnt really consider this dark it was oddly beautiful if scary. im going to fill in parts with what i think could have happened there but im also not going to include the details for what the room looked like in every scene besides whats neccassary, cause this was so vivid i could try to describe to you what each PERSON looked like and people usually dont even have faces in my dreams!

its still long so heres a read more

beginning of the dream im walking home at dusk and im coming from a direction i almost nvr walk, except for when its halloween. so it may have been halloween in my dream, the sunset is a beautiful BRIGHT orange and its on the side of my house rather than behind like it usually is but thats a minor detail.

cause around the house behind mine theres a very strange cloud formation, much lower than i usually see clouds and its not foggy but its just, theres clouds wrapped around the house except for the front and the wall just goes up and up and up to the top and slightly past the house. paired with the sunset i think thats really beautiful so i take some pics with my phone and go closer just to see how close i can get before the clouds disappear and then i’ll go home

i didnt get to go home, the clouds wrapped fully around the house and a strong, something, stopped me from leaving. also there was like an evil to/riel so she mighta been the one doing that

next part of the dream kinda jumps around so ill have to infer some parts but essentially the house changes from the building ive seen there for you know, my entire life, to a small dark wooden mansion. also muffet is there and guess what she ALSO sucks. and then theres this bitch blond haired human pony tail man and hes dumb and i dont like him. im not allowed to leave and im kinda enslaved i guess (my bro called me a prisoner with a job when i told him and it was stupid funny). muffets off on a job after i get settled in there and i dont know what happens to make me so submissive considering the next part of the dream focuses on another servant but whatever they did was REALLY REALLY BAD cause at every point after this im terrified of fucking up and ive pretty much given up on getting out.

this next part was more of a flashback sequance that happened later but for ease of reading im going to add it here instead. first other servant i meet is a beautiful large green shiny beetle man, seriously hes gorgeous and so well spoken and kind. when he was brought into the house he was introduced as just a regular human man, still as beautiful as ever tho, was hired to play piano for a party. as hes fiddling away with the keys though if you looked around you could see bright shiny green and gold strings just, laying flat against the wall, piano, his suit, etc. turns out those were his beetle wings but stretched out and distorted and at this point hes discovered cause to the untrained eye those look like decorations, but its how his kind disguises themselves. cause he can change his entire appearance except for his wings, so they have to try and hide their wings in the environment around them.

they didnt like him lying but it was calm at first. muffet invites him to a small welcoming dinner, just for a chat. they share a platter of food on one plate, partly meat, but most of whats facing him is just a lot of rice packed into a line. he slowly pecks away at that as he carries a polite conversation with muffet, but nvr touches the other side of the food. after hes abt halfway through it she asks “Why aren’t you trying the other food deary?” and he responds “I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to Miss.” and has a bite.

after whatevers in that food kicks in he keels over in pain and she makes it very clear how things go in this house. he listens, he does not act without being told to, and if he ever tries to pull a stunt like that again he’ll be dead. “Am I clear deary?”

since he was there before i was some times passed since that happened. hes currently being punished by mr asshole blond ponytail man and his punishment is all of his meals are very plain. just rice and unseasoned meat. the chef clearly put effort into each platter tho as theyve been shaped into increasingly elaborate shapes the longer the punishment lasts. im not quite sure why this is a punishment? maybe beetle man isnt getting all the nutrients he needs and thats harder for his kind, perhaps he has a taste for good food and this is just the most the ponytail dude can get away with as a punishment since muffets in charge of the house, or maybe its meant to bring up bad memories of when he first came here.

this next parts, really foggy

back to me and muffets talking to someone through a large portal in the room? plans are made abt making humans lose hope and wiping out humanity. the vegan next to me is very excited abt this and comments on it and im just like, bro, that would be super bad for the earth and also immoral? and shes like oh right. at some point i befriend a guy even tho we hated each other at first but he’s moved elsewhere after some time

time skip to muffet informing me that due to my most recent mistake my family is going to be killed. at this point im just sick of it i’ve been here for months im miserable im lonely, i miss my family im just kinda, unstable

really unstable

im shouting at her if shes going to off my family she has to kill me too cause i cant live knowing theyre dead because of me or live without them, just sobbing, kill me, please just kill me i cant stay here anymore she sends me to my room and i pass by my beetle friend but neither of us says anything, also passed by some buff monster but its irrelevant. i dont go to my room instead im just looking through hallway after hallway, opening a storage closet and just trying to find SOMETHING to work with because yeah im miserable, yeah this is probably going to backfire but you do NOT. FUCK. WITH MY FAMILY! so i have to leave. i dont care if this might kill me i have to get out of there with whatever the hell i can find. what i find is two deflated balloons with little plastic bits inside that when u press a button they light up and im like OKAY maybe i, maybe me and beetle man can use this to signal to each other! thats great i can do this i can. i think i may have been crying and laughing here after my exploring Im hiding behind a sofa in a room in the furthest corner of the house cradling my little weird balloon bundle, just trying to find space to think. im safe because u cant see me from the door and the blinds on the window are drawn already. it feels like i havent seen the outside in a while remember how i said i was really unstable? this felt completely real in the dream so maybe it was real due to dream logic, but it feels like desperation in hindsight. i clicked both of the balloon lights on and realized i could use it as a phone! i need to call mom i miss her so much. so i do and she goes honey where are you? and im just crying and saying i love you, i love you so much im okay mom, its okay, and shes like are you at school??? and i just turn into a mess. at this point i look through the sheer curtains on the window and notice my brother driving a really tall truck moving some construction supplies. it sucks that hes here too but im just so happy to see him even if i know i cant talk to him. maybe if they dont find out we’re related he’ll be okay and then i leave the mansion, and i run. nothing here is familiar. im somewhere in the woods. i try to run to the front and see all of the construction workers there making something, but besides all the people somehow the dirt is just, this sheer cliff up up and up in front of the place. so i run to the back and try to get through the barrier around the place. i think i do but its not exactly easy. i fought off a possessed wild boar, but it was the size you think a pig would be, so like a medium sized dog, it just tried to bite me and while it hurt i just hit it til it stayed down long enough for me to bolt after im some distance away, further into the forest on a wide path i meet a human whos instantly on guard to fight me. i spray paint in his eyes and then run on i meet a strange human on the same path and he smirks at me and puts paper in front of his eyes to stop my tactic. i go hey fuck it maybe the fumes will disorient him and spray and his magic stops the paint in mid air and im like dude that is SICK, before he flings it back at me

i dont know how but i beat him too but the next part of the dream im finally somewhere residential, houses along the water, its a warm but not too warm day, light breeze, so all in and beautiful. i feel like im seeing and breathing freely and clearly for the first time in, i dont even know how long. its bright and while i know i have to run im just going to keep running, im free for now.

i use my little balloon contraption and call up my mom again now that im somewhere im positive no one will hear me. i tell her im sorry but i cant go home, that this is likely goodbye, and i cant guarantee ill get out of this alive but it’s okay. i love you so much. and she has to leave too. i stress this. she has to leave, cut all ties, cut all things that could trace you and get out of there. 

and then my alarm woke me up

its hard to explain why some sections of this dream were so scary, just the feeling of wrongness, isolation, powerlessness, and just some distant pain that i dont know what it was. it felt like the longer i was there the more my world was ending

[kenmaiii]

stop being jealous and bitter!

Now i know you cant outright just throw away your jealousy in the art community. You see a really cool popular artist or just someone with absolutely amzing art and you think “wow holy shit their art is so good i wish that was me and that i could do that....” I understand that spite can be a good thing sometimes; it can be what motivates you to improve and do well, especially if the artist is well... not the best person in terms of personality. Great, that’s even more motivation to do well right!? 

But when does all the comparing go too far?

----------------------------------------long post incoming------------------------------------------

Now i’ve had people very close to me do this. I’ve been told that im ‘popular’ which im honestly not seriously. They could probably be reading this right now, but this has been bothering me for awhile so i must get this out there. Let’s step into a certain mindset for a moment:-

You hate your artwork. You hate your current skills. Sure there are artists you like. But then there are ‘THOSE’ ones. You have very specific artists you follow just because theyre so good and popular they make you feel bitter and you still check up on them regularly to fuel that bitterness. You know good and well that they make you bitter and angry and peeved but you just keep going back.

Step back for a moment and think.... why on earth am i fucking doing this???? Comparing and feeling bitter about another persons skill or popularity and letting yourself stay sad and bitter isn’t good for ANYTHING, art aside. It’s good to want to feel validated at the work you spent time on but it WILL get tiring if you keep complaining that ‘your art is bad’, ‘your art isnt good’, ‘its shit’ or ‘garbage’. Your brain is just internalizing that and hindering your work and future improvement. It’s most importantly WASTING YOUR own time, YOU the creator. And not to sound snobby here, i really truly dont intend for that, but some of you know good and well that you keep belitting you work because you only just want people to compliment your art when youre only doing the bare minimum to improve! I can only tell you as a friend or an on-looker that i love your art so many times (as much i really do love it and hope for your improvement) if you continuously decide to still turn around and say you hate your work and tell me im wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why reach for compliments then! Why continuously turn them down?

And i’m not saying you cant ever not like your art (cause it happens) or decline a compliment, but to do it every single time....it leaves a bad image for your work. You either start to believe it, or the person complimenting you will get put off from your negativity!  

It makes people feel bad, especially if theyre also artist AND also your friends. You can’t keep saying you prefer their work and still put down your own. It makes your artist friend uncomfortable. They might not know how to respond when you keep doing it. And im sure they wouldnt want you to keep making yourself feel bad. Personally, i wish all my art friends success and improvement, and i want them to love and feel proud of their work more than the times they hate it. We really need to uplift each other as artists.

Thanks.

What you think and say is what you become and if youre always negative and comparing youre gonna tear down both the person you admire and yourself. Ie, if youre constantly thinking ‘ill never be as good as this person’,’no ones ever gonna like my work’, ‘i cant color as well as they do’ or saying that your work is only ever garbage... newsflash asshole! your mind absorbs that negativity and makes you believe it! u fool!!!!! Because brains are stupid and can be your worst enemy at times! 

Sometimes you just need to stOP looking at certain peoples work completely if it gets you that bitter or angry or sad. Unfollow them! Block them! Delete their name from your search history if you have to! Stop hurting yourself and forget about them, it’s like trying to think about an ex thats moved on. Pointless.

Negative emotions such as sadness and anger are our brains direct ways at trying to reach out to ourselves.

You: seeing cool art Your mind: remembering you dont have some of those skills or popularity + comparing = sadness/ anger/ bitterness at not being able to be at that lvl withtin the same timeframe or less

Your brain is trying to tell you to fix this! But you know you might not have the tools to gain that much popularity or become so good at anatomy, coloring , compositions or backgrounds overnight, so the only solution for your brain is to self-sabotage.

It’s just the same as suddenly feeling sad for no reason. It’s your mind trying to work out a problem you never resolved. Maybe your friends haven’t replied in awhile and you feel ignored. Or you subconsciously remembered a bad experience without really realizing. You’ll get sad. Your mind is is saying ‘Hey asshole im sad. I know it might be out of your control but I’ll stay sad about this one thing until you resolve it somehow. ’ (whether it be blindly distracting yourself on purpose or fully wallowing in the feelings)

So we realized youre feeling intensely about this persons work vs your own...then what exactly happened there? The answer is pretty simple. Some kind of information processing happened in your brain. The result of this processing made the your mind conclude that one of your existing problems (art in this case) can never be solved; whether conscious or unconscious, and this explains why your mood might change all of a sudden without any kind of warning signs (in relation to what you saw). 

Inspired VS Jealousy When youre inspired youre working against yourself in a GOOD way. You’re feeling motivated to make something great! Youre feeling motivated to make something better than the last piece!! And honestly thats wonderful!!!  That is a lot nicer than being in art-block, comparison negativity hell.

YOU are the only one responsible for where you are as an artist. That goes towards every artist of every skill level! There’s always someone better than you and there’s always someone worse than you. People get better at art in different intervals depending on how much they take in or put into practicing. Some people just get some concepts and fundamentals a lot easier and quicker than others but that doesn’t mean they naturally had that ability from birth. They put in the work just as you should be doing instead of feeling so intensely negative! But when you’re jealous and negative all the time, that’s when it starts to go downhill. :/

Jealously is a very human emotion at its core. And im not saying its super easy to deal with and just suddenly get over, but there are things you can do to slowly help yourself do it at least a little less.

Here’s the best things you CAN do instead:- - Write down some of the things you find yourself feeling bitter over about, especially when you look at another artists work? Ask yourself why these specific things? If it’s something you yourself can work on in your own pieces then maybe uh do that?  - Find the time to practice your work. - Practice even more. - If it’s your style that you arent happy with think of the artstyles you like and set aside time to mimic the way that artist might draw something (hence adding that to YOUR style). Take a sketchbook page or two and just draw entirely in those styles. - Practice. I can’t stress this enough. I know artists say this a lot and it can kind of just be thrown around carelessly, but if you keep putting this off and saying you don’t want to practice or talking about how time is going by when you should be practicing things.... and STILL refuse to practice then???? I cant help you sorry. Time waits for no one, so sometimes you need to grab time by the horns and kick its ass for awhile. Put in that effort! - Please use references. Even better if you use it nearly EVERYTIME you draw something, especially yknow...if its a pose, body part or background that you know you have no idea how to properly express! Find a stock image or a variety of websites to use! Save poses that you like from online magazines, other artists and photographs you see anywhere online. I like to look at online magazines from other countries or photographers, and there are tons of places like pinterest or instagram and whatnot. - Stop comparing and being bitter. Ii cant say this enough it gets me so ticked off, but my stubborn taurus self refuses to fully go off until it all piles up and this post is the result lol. If you know you can’t let go hating on a certain artist (for no good reason) then dont hate-follow them! Don’t check up on their work constantly! Don’t even talk about them!!!!!!! Try to get them out of your head for goodness sakes. Majority of the time they dont even know who YOU are so why are you worried about what they’re up to. - STOP SHITTING ON YOUR OWN WORK. - STOP IT RIGHT NOW. - AS THE ARTIST SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO FORCE YOURSELF TO SAY ‘’hey, my work isn’t exactly where i want it to be at this point in time and it may never be but i can appreciate that i’ve gotten better at a lot of things and im better than where i was a few years/ a year/ a month ago/ even weeks ago.” - ”I’m proud of this piece and can’t wait to get even better.” - Art is a struggle that takes time, effort and a lot of work. There’s always going to be someone better than you and there’s always going to be someone worse than you. You can only strive to get to the level that would make you happiest, otherwise you will get irritated with it and feel absolutely miserable about everything you produce. - PUT IN THE WORK TO GET YOUR ART OUT THERE. Social media has been both a curse and a blessing to artists all around. It’s made it easier for us to share our work around and opened paths for making money online and at home and connecting with other artists, but competition grows everyday as more people post their work in the same market. (ie another reason why it can be hard to get your commissions out there) Also as artists we want that dopamine rush you get from people liking your stuff, i get that its gucci. -But if you aren’t tagging your works well, posting somewhat consistently, not really bothering to talk to people in certain art communities (even people in your fandom because hey potential friends and even partners on future projects), not adding your works to groups (a big problem i see with people on places like deviantart mostly), joining and sharing them in art group chats/aminos/discords, joining events to get yourself out there (such as zines/big bangs/gift exchanges etc), giving tips and advice or even little helpful tutorials to people then how do you expect to be noticed? How.  If youre not doing at least TWO of these things then hoW can you complain about not getting attention. :(

 Of course you dont have to do ALL of this. Im just saying ...if you arent out there advertising how will more people know about you? This leads to you thinking no one likes your art (skill level excluded because even my cringiest old art would have a few comments or encouragements to see my future improvement, and i still want to hide when people like/comment/reblog said old art to this very day). 

I understand mainly OC artists feel this way that no ones gonna like their characters, or it just doesnt get reblogged enough in general but thats understandable too. No one is ‘selling out’ if they only do fanart. No one is ‘snobby or scared to get themselves out there’ if theyre really enthusiastic about their stories and worlds. Otherwise we wouldnt have fandoms int he first place, theyre all someones work. And hell, good for you if you draw both. It really is just a matter of how you put yourself out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’ll take some time but there IS always someone out there that likes your stuff. And sometimes you just have to be content with making work for yourself, work that makes you happy. The online art world is tough especially when youre small but once you fall into the depths of bitterness its hard to rewire your mind...

This is how yall should be looking at your/others work majority of the time: You: seeing cool art  Your mind: omg thats beautiful! i wish i could draw and paint like that. i should practice more , try out some poses and anatomy or implement what they do into my work. i wanna make a cool ass piece like this too i feel so pumped to draw and work!! 

And that’s that! Do yourself a favor and be happier you bastards! Its tiring being negative and sad all the time and i want tf out of it. Its so very tiring and annoying to be sad and bitter as shit!!!!! My goD

I can’t really think of anything else to add to this and the text may appear angry sometimes as i was very heated when i wrote this but tried to tone it down a lot hfkds. Im not some ‘art guru goddess with supreme skill uwuw’ but advice is advice! It’s always up to the person listening to take it or not.

I’m gonna end this with one of my favorite art quotes of all time from t h e Arin Hanson himself. Because it really is true. 

Get yourself out there, practice towards a level that makes you content and try to have more fun with loving your work.

It’s taken me a long while to post this, as i’ve been feeling this way for...at least a couple months??? but i finally put it all out there i just needed to do this lol.  Sorry if i mightve repeated info sometimes here and there?

This post is just as much of a call out to my own actions but more so @ those of you that specifically do this! 

[hideandseaking]

last time on Nikky’s world of regret game show session: where all of the activities so far can be read here

We had to start without Michael bc he was at work RIP and no jutopa bc he lives in spain and cant play when we play at night :(

In b4 ally tried to roast me and admitted that roasting me would result in her being roasted as well

We started off with Brandon, bc SUCC was unconscious on the floor of city hall

He wakes up and is not a skunk anymore #disappointment

So he waddles outside and sees the hawk he was fighting is laying on the ground in front of town hall

“I kick him to see if he’s alive” “He dead dude” “Okay. I’m going to eat him.” [GROUP SCREAMS]

SUCC now is a hawk boy and it’s beautiful

He goes to the outskirts of town to find LM and HD and starts squawking

“Okay you both heard him with your perception checks.” “But do we recognize it’s him?” “Nope! It’s a hawk!” “FUCK FUCK RUN”

LM failed her stealth roll and hid behind a tree with her wings sticking out on the sides of it

SUCC hears this and goes over to her

They realize they may have screwed up and decide to go back to their former campsite

“We’re going to go to sleep.” “Is someone going to take watch?” “Oh right. I turn to Hana Doku and tell her ‘You. First. Watch.’“

HD on first watch about about an hour in she sees Romeo flying in the air

She calls out to him and when he lands he tries to talk to her and help her out

HD wakes up the others and Romeo tells them he was going to check out the hawk village bc he heard squawking

Lady MacBeth starts acting rude and Romeo calls her out on it

“You know, I liked you better when we first met.” “Yea, because my personality wasn’t brainwashed!” “Sure, but you didn’t even say thank you after I let you in my cave, eat my food, and use my waterfall.” [Group: OooooooooH!] “Yea, well, it’s part of who I am! I’m not social! I haven’t been around anyone in awhile!” “That doesn’t mean you don’t say please or thank you when someone helps you.” [Group goes wild]

SUCC and HD decide to go with Romeo while LM sleeps

“So it’ll take only about 10 minutes to get there because Romeo is a little faster than LM” “Omg?? He’s stronger, faster, nicer, and pastel pink? Why can’t we keep this dragon???”

They find nothing on their search bc it’s 2 in the morning so they decide to head back

While flying, Romeo tells HD about Raaw and how he became the head of the town a few years ago and that Romeo would trade the moose and bear he would catch for some vegetables and now he can’t because of the magic-ban

“Make some good moose and veggie stew. Good for a romantic date.” “That does sound nice”

They return and LM starts ragging on them because they found nothing and the reconnaissance was useless while theyre all like “it’s 2 in the morning??”

Romeo goes to go back to his cave and SUCC stops him to ask him some questions if he hates magic but Romeo admits that he can’t do magic and it doesn’t really bug him because that’s just how is species is

SUCC gives up and lets Romeo go while everyone asks what that was about and SUCC admits that he was trying to see if it was Romeo who put in the magic ban instead

Everyone immediately doubted that theory

They decide to go back to sleep and HD takes watch again

About another hour in, Pap shows up out of the bushes (Michael SCREAMED when he entered the house)

Pap sees HD and immediately tells her that he’s going to be calling her “Little Shit” and that he is hell bent on making her life miserable

And then he fell straight to sleep

HD finishes the watch wondering wtf and then wakes up LM who takes second watch

“So...around two hours in... you hear the bushes rustling” “I go over to see what it is. So I push the bushes aside.” “Nice. You get sprayed in the face by a skunk. And there are 3 of his friends with him. Take 4 bashing damage. (:” “NICOLE I’M GOING TO DIE.”

Cue the group almost getting completely killed by a group of 4 skunks ._.

They all survived tho lmao Pap patched everyone up that he could

And everyone ripped into HD for climbing up a tree to run away and then snipe the skunks with arrows

They all go back to sleep and the rest of the watch goes off well until everyone starts to wake up

Pap, LM, and HD decide to send HD into the village and SUCC takes the cape off of HD

Now SUCC has no memories and HD gets all hers back. She then finger-guns at them and goes to the village (which is a 4 hour walk for her)

SUCC rolls around in the dirt while LM and Pap try to fully explain what’s going on to him but he doesn’t listen

After a little bit, Romeo shows up with a moose in tow for them

LM attempts an apology and starts bickering with Romeo while SUCC eats half of the moose

“So, what? You gonna eat the moose? I brought it here for you.” “...Aw, really?”

Romeo sees everyone is beat up and offers to patch them up because he’s a doctor with an MD

“MD for Medical Dragon.” “Not really- Okay. Sure.”

He helps them out the best he can and LM says thank you to him, which he appreciates, and says he’ll be around later to check up on them

Pap decides to make some healing potions for everyone while SUCC climbs a tree, falls down the tree and takes more damage almost dying, and Pap and LM have to heal him

Meanwhile, HD finally goes into the village and hears that the hawk that SUCC killed was named Rango, and was the son of Raaw

She decides she’s going to try to get on Raaw’s good side since his son is presumed dead, and checks out the crime scene with little luck

She visits the bar she had been to previous and got some info about Rango before leaving

He visits Julia at her flower shop, who is excited to see that one of Pap’s friends has returned with information and tries to help out HD all that she can

HD visits a weapons shop and a general store to gather more information about Rango before deciding to nap under a tree

Rango info: He was helpful to the community, wasn’t romantically involved with anyone, worked a lot and even slept in town hall because he was dedicated to his work, p much everyone loved him....

Back at the campsite....

“Can I have perception checks?” “Uh oh.”

“And a bear just falls from the sky.” “WHAT?” “He’s dead. And you see Romeo circling above before starting to go.” “Lady MacBeth shouts: THANK YOOOOOU” “Okay now he’s coming back while you’re eating the bear.”

“Romeo lands and asks, ‘So... like that bear, huh?” “Lady MacBeth says: Romeo, what’s crack-a-lacking my dude!?” “.....WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT?” “Okay, wait. I think I was channeling Virginia. Let me try again.”

“Romeooooo. What’s upppppp?” “Oh my god.....” “Wait. I need another chance.” “I’m giving you ONE MORE and whatever comes out of your mouth on this try will be what he hears.”

“Oh! I’ll do a quote.” “Okay, I’ll let you look one up-” “Romeo! Oh, Romeo! Where art thou, dear Romeo?” “I’m right here, bitch.”

SUCC inhales half of the bear by accident while LM talks to Romeo about how HD hasn’t returned

Romeo offers to see if he can spot her and they ask him to do that for them

Romeo goes over town and doesn’t see HD but she sure sees him after being woken up by the townsfolk getting antsy seeing him circle above

HD  waits for Romeo to leave and goes back to town hall where she bumps into Raaw

She offers to help Raaw, from one soldier to another, and gives him flowers that she got from Juliet 

He says he appreciates it but it seems weird to him that an outsider offers to help the day something so weird happens

He says that if Hana wants to prove that she’s really interested in helping, she should show up to the funeral in two days and he’ll consider her help

“Well, what are you going to do now? Go back to camp?” “Fuck that! And fuck those guys! I’m getting a job!”

HD gets a job as a bartender at the bar she has been visiting

When Romeo returns to the campsite, he tells everyone that he didn’t see Hana and suddenly everyone felt betrayed

LM calls out Pap for not coming up with a plan while Pap sarcastically remarks that burning down the entire village will certainly complete the round

SUCC: “Mommy, Daddy, don’t fight. ):”

LM gets so angry that she flies off in a random direction

Romeo offers Pap and SUCC to stay at his cave because he doesn’t want them to get attacked by skunks again and they agreed to go

And that’s where the session ended for the night

Low note for the group to end on :// But they got a good amount of experience points each! Join us next time where maybe we’ll finish round 4? Who knows (’:

[b00bstone]

"Talk to me" all the odd #'s pls!

are you the same person that asked about the evens on that other ask? this is long so im putting in a read more 

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

i dont have one? 

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

oh. well. um. i still know them. altho those feelings have subsided quite a lot. theyre confusing af… like when my feelings were the worst they kept giving all these mixed signals. and uuuggghhh. but yeah other than being confusing and dumb at times (all people are) theyre nice. and theyve been there for me through a lot of shit. even tho they didnt have to be. theyre taller than me. theyre chill. and a good friend. 

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

i think it was my 5th birthday. all my other birthdays that i can remember have been a bit dissapointing. my family and my then bestie smelly bellys family went to a park near our houses. and had food. and the thing i remember most was smelly and i were throwing around this weird rubber band thing? and the weather was really great. i mean its california and july… 

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

im insecure about my intelligence and worth. like im dumb af. i always have been. and being smart is kinda held in high esteem…. and im also really insecure about the fact ive never kissed anyone. or dated anyone. or ever gotten asked out on a date. 

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

i like the color my eyes are in the sunlight. sometimes my eyebrows look AMAZING (not today tho :/) and i love it when that happens. my hair sometimes gets a lil curly. i have a nice butt. imo anyway. and i rather like my boobs.

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

i dunno? i had a dream once where the person i was crushing on at the time told me they missed me over and over. and that was nice. 

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time

i imagine it will be very awkward. but hopefully fun. mostly awkward tho. i hope it feels good. for both of us (whoever the other person is). ive always imagined it would be with someone i really really trust or a one night stand. altho with the way my life is going ill probably never have sex. 

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

i dunno. i havent felt content in quite a while so… 

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

i dunno. i dont really know any one irl that i wanna be friends with that im not. i mean i wanna be friends with thomas sanders but i dont know him at all 

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

i was an annoying bitch. also me and my friend smelly had a bit of a falling out. that happens in middle school tho lmao. 

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

for like a date? thats never happened. 

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

okay. so i hope they never read this because i hope theyve forgotten about it. but the first time i ever asked someone out was last fall. i know i know im nearly 18 and it wasnt till last year that i asked someone out? so anyway. our mutual friend monkey was like trying to convince me to ask them out for like 6 months before i did. the person in question had gone through a breakup and monkey wanted them to move on already i guess i dunno. and so like i knew they didnt like me. but then there was this thing and so i was like wiat do they? so i asked them about it. and they were like “no i dont like you” and i was like okay then wtf was all that?!?! and they were like well i guess i didnt realize i liked u and i was like okay???? so would u be willing to date and they were like no not really but they seemed really vagu about it so i was like so wait is that a yes willing to date or no???? it was a no. but anyway monkey continued to bug me to ask them out. so i, being the bumbling baffoon that i am asked them hypothetically if they would date me. they said yes. even tho i expected them to say no. then while i was freaking out about that and trying to think of what to do next they said no. which made me a little upset because if ur gonna say no u should just say it in the first place (dont mess with peoples feelings kids its rude). and so then i got upset and said some mean things and yeah. we went back to being friends.and if they do read this. im sorry dude. really really really sorry. 

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

well smelly is an ex bestie. smelly and i are still friends but not like best friends. shes chill. when we were super close it wasnt exactly a healthy relationship. she was a bit of a bully. i was selfish and went back on my word all the time. but like shes super chill now. she gets in trouble with her mom a lot tho which sucks. 

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

ummmmm im afraid that this is gonna come out sounding like i have a crush on them but i dont. no realy feelings for anyone at the mo. i like pretty all my friends’ hair and eyes. i especially like heathers hair and adis eyes. 

29: Talk about what turns you on.

confidence. like in the new thor movie trailers theres that woman who breaks his hammer like that kinda confidence where u and everyone in the rooom knows ur the biggest baddest thing around like damn son. 

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

it depends on how u die? i mean besides the whole pain thing i think its kinda peaceful. u know u get that feeling of complete and utter contentment and just kinda fade away. i dont know what happens next. but i think thats what the end of dying and beginning of being dead is like. 

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

cry. watch funny things. get on tumblr. try and make myself more miserable. and if it gets to a really bad point ill try and talk to someone about stuff. but i mainly just try and cheer myself up or emotionally wound myself. 

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

i wish i could stop being so afraid if everything. i wish i could stop falling for people that dont and never will fall for me. i wish i could stop being depressed. and easily stressed. 

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

ive already mentioned them twice. i think thats enough times for one post. but they like superheros. a lot. like the amount of enthusiasm you would expect from a 5 year old. it can be adorable. except when ur tired and just want everyone to leave u alone and never speak to u again.they dont like rhe beach. which is something i just cant understand at all. how do u not like the beach! they have kind eyes. and i honestly have no idea how i had such strong feelings for them. theres nothing wrong with them and theyre a really cool person that almost anyone would be lucky to have but like i just like u look at someone through a different lense and its just different. itd be like me trying to imagine having feelings for adi or heather. its just weird. theyre going away to college next fall. which im kinda bummed about but thats mostly because im not going to college this fall except community college. they wanna do something with art orfilms i think. he pronounces my name wrong. sometimes. but sometimes he prnounces it right. we are friends on fb. it says right there on my proflie how to pronounce it. we have talked and i have told him my name. like its not that hard! its like the thing that pisses me off the second most of things he does/has done. 

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

to do well in higher grades u need to understand stuff u learn n elementary and middle school really well. thats all that i can think of thats not really sad and depressing at the mo. 

thanks for asking me all these questions anon! ily