#like as far as women who tend to take on the 'caretaker' role

[fatelcved]

joking around has me thinking about how ciaran likely has a deep respect for women in that he finds them incredibly strong and resilient in a way that others tend to overlook. after his parents' deaths, he was mostly supported and raised by a woman -- kaiya -- and even with all that he was going through, he saw how hard she worked and how hard she tried for his sake. kaiya still took care of her duties at cyrillo's manor, still hosted social events, still cared for those who needed extra help during their stay at the manor, all while making sure ciaran was not only clothed and fed but cared for.

she had no reason to so willingly act as his guardian, but she did so anyway. she treated him with great kindness even when she had to be tired and stressed. she's just?? the best person in his mind, and that carries over onto other women a little bit. he understands the work it takes to be someone who cares for others, and he appreciates it. he admires it. he hopes to be someone like that one day.

[zealoussy]

THE DOOR - MAGDA SZABÓ REVIEW

General Book Information

Title : The Door

Author : Magda Szabó

Genre : Classics, Historical, Literary

Released : 1987

Book Summary

Narrator is a writer who had just got back her and her husband's (also a writer) writing life after a revolution. As the two are busy with their writing, the household needs to be tended. Emerence is a caretaker that everyone in the neighborhood regards highly. She helps everyone in need, wealthy or poor, men or women, moral or immoral, she is always taking care of people. Narrator hired her. But Emerence is not a caretaker like any other. Narrator can't help but be obsessed pursuing her curiosity in understanding Emerence's character. So the story of secrets, obsession, vulnerability, and love and murder, unfolds.

Likes/Dislikes

The spectrum in which female friendship can fall into –either at the edge of the spectrum where the characters bravely embrace tenderness or at the opposite edge where you can only find vulnerability using obsessive means– always fascinated me. Unique female character like Emerence in this book is perfect for playing a role of friend-interest. The main narrator is undoubtedly showing a great interest in Emerence who is for her, a puzzle that she wanted to solve. I immediately hooked to reading this.

I have a special spot for characters with hard shells to crack. It's an intriguing experience, as a person with the same trait, to follow the author's plan to unravel the fragile core that hides behind the tough fort. As I was learning to begin to understand Emerence, suffice to say I was unconsciously allowing myself into the narrator's indulgence in Emerence's life and person. Any snippets into Emerence's past life, I take a mental note in a form of newspaper clippings pinned on to a big board that contains anything about her.

It is not so far-fetched to connect her backstory to her present attitude to the world. Yet, I feel that the unfolding of her motif is sometimes irresolute. The narrator had to dig her past life stories by putting herself in more often than not, inconvenient circumstances. Yet as she learns what kind of lives Emerence had lived in the past, the narrator only observes, as if those snippets are only film trailers she doesn't bother to give attention to make an understanding. I think the author is lacking in building a strong perception about the connection between Emerence's past and her present attitude by the narrative from Lady Writer.

While I understand that the format of the story is a recounting of events leading to Emerence's death by the narrator, the time jump does not bode well for the development of the plot. I'm just not a fan of the narrator interrupting flashbacks without hinting that this will be a common occurrence in the story. I won't comment much on the historical context of the plot because I barely have knowledge in that, but I would say that the historical plot is just in the background, the focus is on the happenings in the characters' present time, kind of a slice of life in the Hungarian neighborhood during that time.

Even then, I appreciate Szabó's skillful writing that can induce frustration, confusion and exasperation throughout the whole book. By God, this is one of the most frustrating books I've ever read in my life. But I am as curious as a cat, so I keep going till the end. And yes, I did get killed at the last page. I don't even remember how many WTFs I have mentally uttered when reading this. In a good way or bad way, I can't even decide. I thought at first that this is going to be darker than I expected, because it has the gothic suspense feel at the beginning, but I guess it wasn't written in that direction. A little disappointed in that aspect, but I get that the turn of events is more focused on working the emotional sense of it.

All in all, I did not regret reading this book, albeit not overtly awed, but I'm not that disappointed either. This is a book written not like any others you may have read. That being said, I'm interested in reading other Szabó's works.

Would you recommend this book?

Yes, for people who like character study or enjoy My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante. Not only is the writing style accessible, it is not boring either. The pacing is good. Lastly, it's got your feelings in a roller coaster.

Favorite Quotes

"It's just that, as well as love, you also have to know how to kill."

"... And you haven't been able to find anyone you can bear to have near you, because you aren't looking for just anyone, you're looking for the one person you will never be with you again."

"What does a dead person know, or see, or feel?"

"Who isn't lonely, I'd like to know? And that includes people who do have someone but just haven't noticed."

[jimothy-g-brooks]

My D&Derivative [Elves]

Elves, The People Of The Forest

The knife ears, for when anyone thinks of that slur, they think of elves. Like goblins, they are very good climbers, the whole lot of them, and no sense of vertigo. They have a racial preference for plant-life or at least plant-like and arboreal environments, trees that they can climb. These are fairly minor traits compared to the most famous, the agelessness of the elves.

Elves age at the same rate as humans, up to a point. Then, usually between fifteen and twenty-five, their aging comes to a screeching halt. Intuitively, each elf understands when this has happened to themselves and may somehow pick out small details on other elves that mark the difference between those have and have not had that happen to them.

Once this process begins, every elf operates under a clock. They will live for a century, exactly one hundred years, to the minute, from the moment they stop aging. Once the time runs out, the beautiful young looking adult will keel over dead. Elves nearing the scheduled end of their lives are well-known to become erratic.

Each of the elven breeds are largely matriarchal in their societies, though the exact form this female dominance takes varies from kind to kind.

Eladrin, the People Of The Tall Trees

The most well-known of the elves, the high elves seek out high up places to roost. They prefer to live in forests with big ass trees, like giant redwoods, roosting near the top. They also find living at the top of towers or on jutting mountain peaks to be acceptable, anything with a sharp drop to the bottom. They tend to be pale skinned, from peach to an unearthly snowy white, with hair that is either blonde to silver to stark black. Eye color can range all over the rainbow but almost never brown, gray or black.

Eladrin matriarchy is the most subtle, many of their culturally assigned gender roles fit the standard norm: men are warriors and manual laborers, women are homemakers and caretakers of children. However, high elves associate political and social power with the latter; they believe that the wisdom to keep ones own house is the same wisdom to maintain society, the skills to rear ones own children to translate to the skills of running a government. The idealized eladrin queen is a motherly figure, surrounded by doting courtiers and children alike.

The high elves believe themselves to be the chosen of Heaven, the goodly gods personal representatives on the mortal plane. In practice, this means they are constantly trying to impart wisdom onto others, perform acts of charity and contort themselves as if they were nobility, whether or not an individual has the power and prestige to actually back it up.

What this never has lead to is any attempts at outright imperialism, one fueled by self-righteous certainty of their holy crusade. Instead, eladrin communities tends to be rather insular, adopting isolationist policies whenever and wherever they can build little ghettos of their own. It's individuals who go out into the world, proselytizing the superior way to live and patronizingly chiding others with elven aesops or little tests.

They haven't done anything wrong, they're just annoying.

They aren't without flaw, some operate under the credo that only another elf or eladrin is worth dealing with fairly, or so insular and xenophobic they refuse to deal with anybody, though that may well be reticence and defensive posturing. But many rumors abound about them, that their knowledge and wisdom stretch back far deeper than anyone else, that they have a hand in many if not all the ancient forces of the world, that their hubris lost them the favor of the goodly and was responsible for unleashing the evil.

No proof of any of this, of course, just like the eladrin have no proof for their purported loftiness, but it's always a good excuse to burn down their homes.

Sylvani, the People Of The Misty Woods

The least-known of elves, spiritual cousins to tunnel goblins. Mist elves live wherever it is foggy and obscure, inside of dense, humid jungles or in sparse but equally humid swamps. They like it moist and they cannot stand dry climes, suffering from chapping rather quickly. They tend to have darker skin colors, ranging from tan to dark brown and the very occasional green, with hair and eyes the color of leaves, green, red, brown or yellow.

The form of matriarchy that the sylvani practice is one they barely deign to acknowledge. Gender roles appear non-existant among the mist elves, men and women perform the same tasks short of childbirth, but it's the women who seem to rise to positions of power. No comment is given on this.

They exaggerate the insularity of their eladrin cousins, living in the definition of Hidden Elf Villages tucked away in between trees and fog. They protect their little ethnostates fiercely, either through misdirection or violence at the end of a well-hidden marksbow. There are some tribes of mist elves that sell their services to the highest bidder as assassin, thieves and saboteurs.

Some sylvani kingdoms have even carried out expansionist policies, magically extending out the fog of their homes to cover their non-sylvani neighbors. They seed rumors of elven figures ghosting into towns to slaughter its inhabitants, encouraging the next folk who get magically swathed to simply clear out and let the sylvani take the land for themselves.

This fearsome reputation isn't true for all or even most sylvani communities, which are just as happy to be left alone to their own internal devices. However, this cloak of formidable mystery benefits them all, unlike the eladrin, as people inundated in the stories will give them a wide berth of respectful distance. Drow, the People Of The Mushroom Forests

The most gregarious of all the elves, and they live in the Underdark. Dark elves can see into the pitchest black but have sensitivity to bright light, preferring to walk under the starry-night sky or among their bioluminescent mushroom forests. Their skin colors can range from dark brown, coal black, shades of gray, blue and purple, with contrasting light colored hair of snow white, silvery gray, platinum blonde and the occasional shade of red, which can be a dark scarlet or the very odd pink. Most of them have red eyes, with purple or yellow showing up, sometimes other colors.

The particular form of elvish matriarchy the drow take is the simplest, an outright inversion of all expected gender roles, save the most biologically necessary.

Centuries ago, long enough ago to be out of living memory but not so long as to be a mere archaeological curiosity, a primarily drowish culture got really into imperialism and really into diablery and demonology. They thought themselves the masters of fiends and through that sought to become the masters of the world. Pouring out from the depths besides all the forces of Hell was a bad look, right up until their empire dramatically and spectacularly collapsed. That was when they learned they were not the masters after all. Nowadays, the drow live far more peaceful lives, tending to their mushroom crops and their herds of giant moles, acting as the primary merchants of the Underdark atop their giant spider mounts, between the other subterranean civilizations and between the surface. They are one of the primary sources of firedust and firedust weapons, and one of the most avid users, a holdover from their imperial days. Infamous drowish desperados skulk the shadowy tunnels with a dustwand at their hips.

Another imperial holdover are the fates of the surface-bound governor houses that once occupied the surface. Stripped of their legitimate power, they have since shifted over to something less legitimate, forming the various families of the Drowish Mafia. They have a strong association with another holdover of the Drowish Empire, the flesh-crafted warrior-race of the drider, now acting as enforcers for the various godmothers, if not running the show themselves.

The last imperial holdover is the sense of wary respect that drow are afforded. People mutter darkly about the Hellriding spider-jockeys but they also remember how those coal-skinned bastards almost ruled the world once. Some of them still dream of past glories, all of them operate under its shadow, almost a protective cloak more than a burden.

[writingwithcolor]

Desexualized Mammy & Strong Black Woman, too busy for “frivolous love”

“Alyse” (Anon Submission) asked:

My science fiction story includes a black woman (Talia) who raises two children that aren’t her own and takes on two young adults as apprentices. One of the children she is raises has Arabic background and was taken into her home upon his father’s death (his mother’s whereabouts are unknown). She was a close friend of his father and the closest thing he had to a relative. The second child has mixed French-Latinx background and was taken in after becoming shipwrecked with no means by which to contact her people. Talia was the first non-hostile individual she encountered and one of the few who would so openly embrace a stranger. Since Talia is Master Medic (the highest medical authority in her community) she is training two apprentices (think residency) and eventually mentors the second child as well. She was once married and passionately in love but lost her husband to illness. In this setting, some technology we take for granted is inaccessible and violence against their people is commonplace. Most have experienced sudden loss. This particular loss was the catalyst that drove Talia into medicine- a desire to protect her loved ones and prevent others from experiencing similar tragedy. She is usually kind (though businesslike) but sometimes succumbs to a frigid, furious depression when, despite all her knowledge and determination, she can’t save someone. 

I worry that her maternal association with the two children (one of whom is an outsider) mires her in the mammy trope. On top of that, she hasn’t pursued romance since the death of her husband. I’ve considered giving her a romantic subplot but there are already so many characters to keep track of. Furthermore, I just can’t see her engaging in the frivolous pursuits of new love when she’s dealing with kids, students, and an extremely taxing career. 

In terms of race and culture in this story, practically every character can trace their ancestry back to populations displaced through war. Even Talia’s second child was shipwrecked during a botched evacuation from a military science lab. The people who live here have been isolated for generations and no longer have a real concept of their ancestry. Cultures have blended, new religions have formed, and many of our familiar racial/ethnic issues are forgotten. However, new and different but equally toxic ones have replaced them. In this way, Talia’s blackness doesn’t carry the same associations in her world as it would in ours. However, readers may still make these associations. Do you see any issues with her character that I could amend? 

So! You have:

A highly educated Black-coded woman (the highest medical authority in the community)

She raises two kids alone 

She also looks after two apprentices

She is widowed (not sure the race of the husband, was he Black?)

Having experienced heartbreaking love, Talia's drive to look after, protect and save people through medicine is a great motivation for the way she is. Her experiencing depression and taking losses seriously is also very human and is dynamic characterization. 

However, such characterization with Black women is prone to brush across several tropes. You have a Black woman who gives and protects, but what does she get in return? Who cares for her? 

Prioritize your Black character’s happiness

"I’ve considered giving her a romantic subplot but there are already so many characters to keep track of. Furthermore, I just can’t see her engaging in the frivolous pursuits of new love when she’s dealing with kids, students, and an extremely taxing career." 

Priorities, priorities. Is love a frivolous pursuit in her eyes, or yours? Because I strongly disagree. You probably don't mean to but you, as the author, having an excuse to NOT give the Black woman romance is showing that you do not think she's worth being loved. TV viewers and stans who are uncomfortable when Black women characters have relationships find similar excuses to explain away not wanting BW in relationships.

"She's too strong and independent for a man/relationship" 

"I liked her better alone." 

"It'll take away from her character."

“A romance doesn’t feel right for her”

These sorts of statements above are grounded in racialized misogyny. 

Relationships do not lessen the woman.

Relationships does not lessen Black women. 

Love

Whether that love is romantic, familial, or friendship, it can come in many forms. Give Talia love. Because Black women characters deserve it! Either one or all! 

Let her have a loyal best friend, a cat, and a girlfriend. Because why not? And not to downplay the love of children to parents, but please provide her love beyond what she gets on a maternal level from the children she looks after. 

The stories that Black women are in today severely lack love for us, so why add to the narrative of Black women being all work and no play, and too [insert excuse here] to be loved? 

Of course, you didn't provide all the details from your story, but I'm not seeing much of a balance from the struggle. She is a caretaker, teacher, doctor (or doctor-like figure). 

Her position and background in itself is okay. It's the Strong Black Woman being presented with seemingly no commentary that strikes me. 

Where is her team to help balance the weight of the world? 

Who takes care of her when she's depressed from another loss? 

What does she get in return from taking an emotional and physical toll to heal her community? 

Do those around her recognize all she does for them and offer their friendship? 

When does she get to relax and turn off the need to be everything for everybody?

Fitting love into a book with many characters

There are many books with several characters to keep track of. People tend to manage. Also, I'm sure some of those characters are in and/or out of relationships. Even stories that couldn’t be classified as romances have relationships of some sort. It’s unrealistic to have a ton of characters and none of them be in relationship(s) of some sort. Not when there’s so many forms of it and many sexualities. 

Friends, frenemies, enemies, romance, affairs.. Relationships make stories (and life) interesting. By no means do I think adding these dynamics harm your tale. And what’s one more for a hard-working Black woman who sacrifices a lot and clearly deserves a shoulder to lean on? And, if you use an existing character to be that friend, family, or lover, then you won’t need to pencil in another character.

For romance specifically - I think a misconception when it comes to including romance in stories is that they have to somehow take over the story. Romance does not have to bombard the plot nor be described in lavish detail. Not every story is a romance and those sort of details aren’t everyone’s style or things they’re comfortable with. A sentence or two establishing relationships does not take away from the story.And how those relationships look and affections expressed will vary based on the characters, sexuality, etc.

Not every character needs to have a deep level of detail. 

“Katie and Lisa, a newly engaged couple, walked into the meeting.”

“Jack and Jamie are a married couple in their 40s.” 

“The two met in college. After two months of blissful courtship, they eloped, eager to start their happily ever afters. Twenty years together, they were still blissfully in love and never too far from one another.”

Sentences like the above are enough for some characters. You don’t always need to put in paragraphs worth of relationship-establishing details or plot. 

When it comes to the characters whose love you would like to highlight, at least a bit, you still don’t have to go over the top.

Use subtle details. 

“As soon as Talia’s back was turned, he gave her a longing look before shaking his head and getting back to the patient.”

“He squeezed her hand before taking hold of the stethoscope.”

“She kissed her wife goodbye before racing out the door.”

“You mean the world to me.” he had said, holding her face. Those words stayed with her all day, making her heavy load light as a sack of feathers.

“She soaked his shirt with her tears and he just held her tight, saying nothing, silently holding her together.”

As for Talia specifically…

Talia having the mindset you described, as love being frivolous and not a priority, is understandable knowing her background (I just don't agree with you as the creator using this as a means to keep her alone. Whether she’s romantically alone or without close friendships). She has lost so much, and continues to experience loss with patients. This can be extremely traumatizing. I gave some examples of being subtle, so perhaps that will help with the burden of feeling a thick subplot of romance doesn’t fit in your story. 

And as Talia doesn’t strike me as someone who would go looking for companionship, what if she stumbles upon it without trying? Is there someone on the medical team that can offer her friendship? Someone who admires her and feels the urge to care for her that she feels the same for, or has pushed feelings down for? What happens when she can’t hold those feelings down anymore?

Takeaway

Talia deserves healthy love, even if she doesn’t believe it or feel she has time for it. That love can come in any and many forms, not necessarily romantically required, although it is a plus. A struggle-ridden novel is balanced by love, support and rest for characters that hold the weight of the world. If you do not, evaluate why you want to write Black characters in these struggle roles without at least a social commentary. 

~Mod Colette

[jalapeno-princess]

Got7 Most to Least Likely to Get Married and Start a Family

This was requested by one of my favorite followers (and just human beings in general) on here, the amazing @safetypineapples​ thank you for the request love I hope you enjoy it ☺️

Disclaimer: This is strictly my personal opinion based on what I’ve observed in the last three years I’m sure they would all be such amazing husbands and fathers if they decide to get married and start having families I’m sorry if you disagree but I did have fun doing this so please don’t hesitate to send it more requests!!!

MOST

Mark: This one is a no brainer. After watching the Ask In A Box video when he was asked where he sees himself in ten years, he didn’t hesitate to say “married”. From what I’ve seen with how he is with the guys and towards the staff I can tell he’s such a kind-hearted, generous and well-mannered person. He always puts others before himself and makes sure everyone is taken cared of before tending to his own needs. Mark also gives off such boyfriend vibes and I know in my gut that there is 100% chance he is a very loving and doting boyfriend; the type to memorize his significant other’s coffee order, to buy them things that reminds him of them, to check up on them every now and then to make sure they’re eating their meals on time and getting well deserved rest I mean—just look at how he treats Milo that man is so in love with that cute little dog I’m not being biased because I love that man with my entire fucking soul but it’s the truth. I know the guys playfully bully him about being the most sensitive member, but unlike other guys who consider having feelings and being sensitive a feminine trait, Mark embraces that shit (big dick energy) like, he’s not afraid to cry it just shows that he cares a lot. I hope whoever he ends up marrying one day knows just how lucky she is to have him. Honestly, he’s such a family man—he spends every free moment with his family and you can tell that he really misses them. I’m sure he probably feels bad that he had to leave his family at such a young age, especially Joey because it must’ve been hard having to grow up without your main role model so now he gives to Joey whatever he possibly can to help him out he donated money to Joey’s charity, supports his gaming streams and buys him gifts almost every single time I’m not crying you are. Also, he never fails to go and support the other members in their solo activities (wearing their merch, attending their solo fan meets, promoting their music). He just seems like such a supportive and loyal person. The way he interacts with his nieces is extremely adorable, what more when he has his own kids? And when there are kids around, he always is so good with interacting with them and making them feel comfortable. I’m sure if he wasn’t an idol, he would’ve started a family a long time ago and I have a feeling that might be one of the things he dislikes about being an idol. The idea of father Mark is making me scream ugh I just know he’s going to be the best dad.

Jinyoung: Just like Mark, Jinyoung gives me family man vibes. He is quite the gentleman towards every single woman he comes in contact with; his co-stars, female idols, makeup artists and staff members. I know he is such an amazing actor, but sometimes acting can only go so far—the way he kisses, touches and talks with his co-stars makes me feel like he is like that in person also; very romantic, gentle and sensual. He is also very good with kids (he couldn’t stop hugging that little boy who interviewed him one time it still makes me cry to this day) and back in that one real got7 episode, he was doing THE MOST to make sure one of the little girls chose him. But even if it was a competition, he seemed to have fun entertaining the two girls and it’s not easy taking care of children. On the set of He Is Psychometric, he was so sweet towards all the children; holding them, making them laugh, playing around with them. Also, being the youngest, it seems as though his sisters are very protective over him and it’s obvious that they have a very tight bond. I mean, he used to refer to himself as the mother of Got7, so I feel like he has caretaking traits and knows how to provide for the ones that he loves. The way he interacts with the other guys also gives it away; he might be playful and mischievous when it comes to Yugyeom, BamBam and sometimes even Jaebeom, but he can also be very defensive when it comes to them. All in all, I feel that Jinyoung is focused on being an actor and an idol, but once he’s done with his military enlistment and when Got7 decide to start slowing down in order to live domestic lives (which won’t be for a while please don’t come for me I’m begging) then he will start focusing on his personal life.

Jackson: I had a hard time choosing between Jinyoung and Jackson on who should be in second place just because Jackson seems like he really wants to start a family as soon as he can like he talks about it all the time. When he attended his best friend’s wedding, he just seemed so happy and he made it known that he couldn’t wait until it was his turn to be at the altar. I just know this man is so amazing when it comes to women like he is a FEMINIST and he’s one of the only idols I know who isn’t afraid to talk highly about female idols or just women in general like in my opinion, he doesn’t seem like the type who would be upset if it came out that he was in a relationship. Just look at how he treats his mom—the way a man is with his mother just shows the kind of man he’ll be in a relationship. He is always so quick to give a girl his jacket, cover them up if they are uncomfortable with what they are wearing or to feed them (he fed a fan once I don’t know what war she fought in her past life for that to happen but shit why wasn’t it me). On Let Go Of My Baby, he did not let any child cry for less than a couple of seconds before running to their rescue like that show was honestly so cute it just gave us a glimpse of what an amazing father he will be one day. He also held them whenever they felt homesick and even when he scolded one of them for playing around, he picked her up and apologized. Even when it comes to his niece; especially since he only sees her a few times every year, he puts that little girl on a pedestal. I just feel like right now, his main priority is his career and he wants to wait for it to simmer down before he starts settling down.

Youngjae: I still have yet to witness Youngjae even talking to a woman (other than staff members and fans) and it’s probably just me, but he doesn’t seem like the type to really put himself out there as much as the other members do when it comes to talking with other girls but from what I’ve read, he is a really good friend (and was one of the only people who helped Mina from AOA with the whole Jimin situation) so it’s obvious he genuinely cares for those he is close to. And if it’s any consolation; just look at the way he loves Coco like I’ve never seen someone love anyone as much as Youngjae loves Coco. But he’s such a sweet and kindhearted person (his laugh could honestly cure cancer don’t @ me) and from the videos I’ve watched, he is also very sensitive and that just proves he has a heart of gold. He said that he wants a daughter like the little girl in miracle because she was so cute so it’s obvious he does want a family some day. He might not be the type to go all out when it comes to showing affection or interest in communicating with women (maybe he just doesn’t want unnecessary controversy) (poor idols have to worry about what people would say if they were to even just wave to someone of the other sex) but he might be the type to do it in private. I’m sure he’s a gentleman, but more of the kind of person to do it secretly in order to prevent wandering eyes or irrelevant rumors. I don’t see posts of his nieces and nephews on social media as much as I do with Jackson and Mark, but then again maybe his sister isn’t the type to show off her kids. However, he seems like such a doting uncle in that one video at their concert in Korea when his nephew yelled his name (it was so fucking cute).

Jaebeom: This man’s mind never fails to intrigue me. With a lot of his songs, he is either really romantic, angsty or really horny there is no in between. The guys say that he is the type to get really shy and act like a dork in front of the girl he likes and honestly, even if he tries his best to come off as “chic and sexy” this man is a literal ball of fluff. He seems like the biggest momma’s boy and I feel it’s because growing up, it was just him and his mom until she met his stepdad. If you watch the way he acts towards his mom, his personality is that of a little kid. From my personal experience of having a single mother, I’m sure it was hard for him watching his mom struggle as a single mother raising him all on her own, so he just wants to give back to her what she deserves and I know he is probably like that in relationships also. He claims that he writes songs based on what he reads in books and watches in movies, but with how the boys tease him about how romantic he can be, I know he writes songs based on personal experience. He has five cats and he literally talks to them like they’re children (and the fact that he doesn’t want to post about them because he wants to give them their privacy) makes my heart so warm I can’t even explain it like I know he says his fans are his friends, but there are some things he wants to keep to himself and I respect that. There was one Vlive where he did say he doesn’t plan on having kids but he does want to get married some day. As much as I think he would be a great dad, if he doesn’t see himself having kids then that’s totally up to him. Even if he is so soft whenever he is around children, it’s another thing when having your own kids. Who knows though, maybe one day he’ll come to the realization that he does want a big family. As a leader, he does such an amazing job with making sure all members are happy and healthy (he might present himself as this big, scary dude but he has the biggest weakness for his members you can tell he loves those 6 boys with his entire being)(Im Jaebeom is the best leader in Kpop I don’t make the rules). Also, when he talks, he comes off to be very insecure and he’s the type who isn’t afraid to speak his mind even if he knows it might be controversial so I get the vibe that he is very vulnerable. He might seem like a dominant person, but I think that he’s willing to be such a submissive ball of cheese to the lucky girl who owns his heart. Idk man, but he also seems like the type to get really hurt over a break up (I will fight anyone who breaks this man’s heart deadass).

Yugyeom: As the youngest of the group and just like BamBam, I don’t think he’s really think about getting married or settling down any time soon. Honestly, Yugyeom seems like the type who would start having a family in his late 30s/early 40s just because he wants to give his full attention to his career. When Got7 first started out, he always seemed so shy when it came to talking with other girls, and I feel as if at one point, he was insecure about approaching girls, but now he just oozes confidence and sex appeal. I’m not saying he hasn’t dated anyone before (I’m sure he’s had a couple of relationships or at least a few flings) but he doesn’t strike me as someone whose main priority is a relationship as of right now. He’s always making music, preparing choreographies and producing songs, so as much as he wants to date, his girlfriend might not be the top of his list. A lot of his songs are sexual, so maybe a lot of the relationships he’s pursued were sexual rather than romantic and domestic (but what do I know). I haven’t really heard him talk about what he plans on doing once Got7 no longer are performing and making music as much; but sometimes it’s the ones we’d least expect who have dreams of getting married and starting big families. In the few reactions I’ve watched with him and kids, he seems to have a lot of fun teasing them and playing games with him and I think it’s because he’s still somewhat of a kid himself. I think he’s willing to change his outlook on relationships when it comes to the right person and he’ll be willing to fit them in to his busy schedule if he really loves them. Maybe after he finishes his military enlistment and decides that it’s time to start setting his focus on something other than his career, he will take the leap and get in to a full-blown relationship.

BamBam: Okay, just because I put him as the last one doesn’t mean I don’t think he wouldn’t want to settle down or have a family. But I feel like both BamBam and Yugyeom are still so young that getting married and having kids is way in the back of their minds as of right now. When the time comes, I just know BamBam is going to be such an amazing father. Just watching The Return of Superman and the way he took such amazing care of that little girl proves that he has a weak spot for kids. He’s even an uncle now and I really want him to go back to Thailand so he can finally meet his nephew. Unlike the older members, I haven’t really seen BamBam interact with women other than the few clips of when they were younger (and he was always such a flirt). In the episode of Hello Counselor he told one of the other celebrities on the show that he didn’t have time to date and his job kind of prevents him from experiencing what it’s really like to be in a relationship (but I’m pretty sure he and all of the members have been in relationships) however, they’re always so busy and probably don’t have the time nor the privacy to really go outside and walk around freely with their significant others. The guys also make jokes about how he’s narcissistic and pretty in to himself (Jackson made the joke that if he were to date someone, he would focus more on himself than his partner) but I don’t think he would be the type to do so. Like I said, he’s still young to be thinking about what his future with a family looks like but who knows? He might just surprise us all and be the first one to get married then you can all disregard this post HAHAHAHA. Deep down, I know BamBam is a genuine person and he will be such a wonderful husband and father one day.

LEAST

[personalcoachingcenter]

Flexibility: One Self, Multiple Roles

New Post has been published on https://personalcoachingcenter.com/flexibility-one-self-multiple-roles/

Flexibility: One Self, Multiple Roles

A Coaching Model By Milagros Echecopar, Evolution Coach, PERU

There is no reality except the one contained within us. That is why so many people live such unreal life. They take the images outside of them for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself. Hermann Hesse,Steppenwolf

I have been what people call a devoted and surrogate caregiving daughter. I have also been a loving mother, a successful international executive, a supporting wife, and some more, all at the same time. And I can tell, it’s demanding, very demanding, to a point where I lost sight of who I was. To deal with all that was required of me, to be the best I could in each role, I unconsciously started to tamper down certain aspects of my personality, and disregard feelings I thought were not serving me.

Thinking I was being clever, doing the right thing, excelling in all my roles, I was so wrong. I might have looked smart, I might have looked like I was doing a great job, but I could have done much better because I was failing in being ME (funny how those are my initials, although MEK is what many people call me).

We tend to live putting labels on ourselves and to others: I’m a daughter, I’m a mother, I’m an executive, I’m a coach, you are a teacher, you are a grandfather, you are an artist, etc. It’s fine to have those labels, they help us identify the roles we are performing and provide information about ourselves, but they do not define us.

The titles we accumulate during our lives can be enriching, bring us joy and fulfillment, but they can also become planks that, one after the other, build a wall, a box, that hides our true selves from us, from others. And they can become heavy, hiding our inner self, and constricting, limiting the space for personal traits that we think, feel do not serve us to be at our bests while performing the roles those titles entail.

And therein lies my problem with those labels, when they start to define who we are, when we, or others, use them to put us in a particular box. Those labels define the role we are performing but do not constitute a definition of our core, our inner self.  When the way we live our lives is determined by those labels, by the boxes in which we or others have put ourselves, we live in stress. In stress between what is required from us to fulfill those roles and who we are, what drives us, what we need to feel whole, at peace with the way we live our lives, and at peace with the roles we are performing at that moment.

I started this journey with my mother in mind, but along the way, I’ve found it has been for me too, and for all who face the challenge of performing at their best different roles, especially working caregivers. So many of us are daughters, mothers, wives, workers, and caregivers, all at the same time.

The paradox is that even though we are the same person in each of those roles, we are not. While performing those roles, we tend to show only the sides of ourselves that we consider serve us better for said roles; and we, and the people around us, get used to that representation of ourselves.

  We and they are oblivious of the different traits of our personalities that can be of so much value, but that we only bring in when performing other roles, if they have not been wholly disregarded. What is worst is that we and they are not conscious of the demands that the accumulation of titles puts on us. People forget a human being is performing that role and see only the executive, the father, the son, but not the whole person.

Initially, I had thought about focusing primarily on informal caregivers because I have seen and experienced the challenges one faces when performing that role. Of course, I still would like to work with them. But now, looking back at my own experience and my coaching journey so far, I realize that the challenges caregivers face can be similar to those faced by people who find themselves defined by their titles and do not integrate their whole selves in the different roles they are performing.

Life sometimes throughs at us roles we did not ask for, we did not foresee, we do not want, as in the case of caregivers, but we feel we must take them on. Life also sometimes takes away from the roles we were attached to, we liked, we felt proud of, as when we are laid off. When either of those happens, many different feelings can arise within us: frustration, anger, despair, fear, insecurity. We might feel that something is not entirely right within ourselves but can’t put the finger on it. And since we must keep performing our other roles, we disregard those feelings and focus on what “serves” us to keep going.

That’s what happens when a loved one suddenly is diagnosed with an impairing illness, and we are put in the role of caregivers. It’s so unexpected that some of us do not even recognize ourselves as caregivers, despite its impact on our lives, and we just go on doing what is expected of us as good daughters, mothers, wives, husbands. Roberts&Donahue (1994) indicate that caretaking has adverse effects on the well-being of the caretaker and that it can be impacting the satisfaction they feel about the role they associate with caregiving.

They found that was the case of middle-aged women who associated their role as daughters with caregiving. It’s also what happens when someone is promoted and is now the manager of her/his previous partners. The new title comes with an array of expectations from us and from others, not only about our performance but also about the way we conduct ourselves. Or when we are laid off and find ourselves without the title that we and others identified as what defines us.

As contradictory as it might sound to all I’ve exposed so far about titles, not recognizing that being a caregiver is a different role from being a daughter, a husband, a mother adds an unnecessary layer of difficulty to our role. Not being conscious of what might change in the way people interact with us after a promotion makes the transition harder. Not being truly aware that we are much more than the roles we play can leave us mourning for a phase that is no longer going to come back and missing all the opportunities to create new paths for ourselves.

Because it is not about disregarding the roles we are performing, it’s about embracing them and making them our own without losing sight that they do not define us. If we are not conscious of the differences between our various roles and the diverse traits of our personalities that go beyond those roles, we cannot determine what within our vast array of personal resources we can use and where we will need help.

Fleeson and colleagues’ research, as cited in Wundrack et al. (2018), suggests that everyone will eventually express the entire range of possible personality state levels but that there are individual differences in the frequency with which the different state levels occur in everyday life. Furthermore, Hung Kit Fok et al.(2007) suggest that personality serves as a vital factor in orchestrating the organization of the ”if-then” associations between situational factors and endorsement of different display rules.

If we are conditioned by the titles we carry, the way we display our different personality state levels is also conditioned. Thus, the more conscious we are of what influences that display, the more in command we will be, and the better equipped we will be to dig into the richness of our personalities to perform our roles.

What if we were to acknowledge the new roles, the demands they entail, and embrace them? What if we were to acknowledge that that phase of our life is gone? What if we were to acknowledge that, despite those changes, we are still the US with all the good and “bad”? What if we were to acknowledge our whole selves and bring it in our different roles and stages in our lives?

That’s what drives me as a coach, partnering with people who want to embrace who they are at that moment in their lives, uncover the richness of their inner selves, bring their whole being in their different roles, and realize how much fulfilling their lives can be when they do so.

It’s like composing a piece of music; sometimes, one instrument, or a group of instruments, will take center stage while others play at different levels. Still, they are all integrated to produce that unique and beautiful piece of music. If one instrument is missing, the music might still sound good, but it can be more beautiful if all of them are playing at their proper time. And it doesn’t have to be a rigid composition; it can be like jazz, flexible, adapting to the context, the mood, and the musicians’ abilities.

How is this connected to coaching? I propose that by partnering with a coach, clients can move from a place where they are disregarding different aspects of their personalities and disregarding their need to tend to themselves to a place where they acknowledge and integrate those aspects in the way they live, they perform their different roles and interact with their loved ones, families, friends, colleagues, etc. Clients can become more flexible, be able to find better ways to integrate their different personality traits while transitioning through diverse roles and evolve.

Flexibility: One Self, Multiple Roles Coaching Model

Coaching provides a safe space for clients to stand on their vulnerability and tackle the complex task of understanding their mental state in real life, which requires considerations of their circumstances, beliefs, knowledge, feelings, intentions, and personality (Wundrack et al., 2018). Coaching is also about partnering with clients and supporting them in finding ways to move forward. But, if their process is conditioned by their titles and clients are unaware of it, how can they genuinely understand themselves? How can they be conscious of what is holding them back and of all the resources they could use to move in the direction they desire?

Thus, some of the questions I would endeavor to help clients find their answers to would be: what are the belief, value that anchors their current perspective, and the role they are performing? How can they take perspective and let go of that anchor and/or their unconscious bias? What would it take for them to move into action to shorten the distance between who they are, who they can be, and how they are perceived by themselves and others? How can they find a more satisfactory way to perform their roles? Because, as Roberts&Donahue (1994) note, the similarity between descriptions of any given social role and who we are (our general self) could be related to the degree to which we feel committed to and satisfied with that role.

We would work with clients to help them let go of anchors that keep them stuck and inflexible; accept and acknowledge the multiple options and perspectives available to them and integrate their whole selves and roles, building a different relationship with them and making transition processes smoother and more fulfilling.

For that to happen, we consider that a Sense of Coherence (SOC), as defined by Antonovsky (1979)as cited in Eyzaguirre (2018), is needed. SOC is the global orientation one has towards life and the ability to perceive it in a dynamic, lasting, and confident way. According to Eyzaguirre (2018), the three dimensions of SOC are:

Comprehensibility: ability to understand and explain the situation faced, becoming predictable by the person;

Manageability: having the own internal resources that are available in the person to be able to face the situation and be able to control it; and

Emotional sense: the situation has a meaning for the person and is therefore considered as a commitment capable of challenging and facing.

Antonovsky (1993), as cited in Eyzaguirre (2018), sustains that the more developed and strengthened the SOC is, the greater the willingness to perceive life events as less stressful and with greater control and meaning over them. For example, in the case of caregivers, they found that the greater their SOC, the more balanced and positive care they would provide. They sustain that this is because SOC as a resource allows them to see the patient’s disease as less threatening and, instead, perceive reality from the healthiest.

Moreover, according to Eyzaguirre (2018), Antonovsky (1994) indicated that successful coping with stressful events brings positive health consequences and is therefore expected to influence satisfaction, happiness, and positive affect. Thus, “the development of a strong SOC in the face of the burden and the stressful stimulus, allows to reinforce and improve the health of the person, by the cognitive and emotional capacity to identify the dimensions of the problem as probabilities and as challenges that can be explained and overcome by the internal resources themselves” (Antonovsky, 1979as cited in Eyzaguirre, 2018).

Based on the benefits that a highly developed SOC can bring to our clients, we propose working with them on growing and strengthen their SOC.  To create a process that can contribute to a fruitful journey, we have considered models like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Relational Frame Theory (RFT), and Hulbert-Williams et al.’s (2016)Contextual Behavioral Coaching (CBC).

As per the description provided by Han et al. (2021), citing Hayes et al.(2012), ACT is based on a psychological flexibility model, and some of the aspects covered when applying this model are:

cognitive defusion (i.e., stepping back or detaching from unhelpful thoughts and emotions to reduce their dominance over behaviors);

self-as-context (i.e., observing thoughts and emotions without judgment);

values (identifying and connecting values to behaviors for a meaningful life); and

committed action (making efforts to establish patterns of actions/behaviors to live a meaningful life aligned with values).

Grounded in contextual behavioral science, relational frame theory (RFT) explores language and thoughts’ origins and philosophical connotations (PsycInfo Database Record, 2020). Building on that, Hulbert-Williams et al. (2016) take both ACT and RFT and incorporate Contextual Behavioural Science concepts to propose a third approach which they call Contextual Behavioural Coaching (CBC).

Integrating the concepts and tools provided by ACT, RFT, and CBC, we would partner with our clients to develop and strengthen their SOC to find inner balance and satisfaction in the different roles they perform.

The stages we would cover throughout our work with our clients would be exploration, identify anchors, take perspective, flexibility, and action.

Exploration

This aspect of the coaching process will aim to deepen client’s self-understanding and increase their acceptance of challenges.

In a study conducted by Hulbert-Williams et al. (2016), they worked with a patient to help her contact her feelings of stuckness and the accompanying thoughts of failure. Then, they traced how she would numb these feelings with busyness (and occasionally, wine); and identified that such behaviors seemed to be serving the function of experiential avoidance. By exploring her feelings, she deepened the understanding of herself and what was driving her behavior.

In the case of caregivers, Han et al. (2021) cite Brodaty&Donki (2009), found that accepting the losses of relatives’ abilities and care demands assists family caregivers to better adapt.

Identify Anchors

When we look at identifying anchors, we will partner with clients to find what they are fused to; what stories they are telling themselves that bring rigidity to the way they undertake their different roles in life.

AsHulbert-Williams et al. (2016) indicate, being fused to specific stories we tell ourselves leads to fixed patterns of behavior which can be unworkable in the context of client values and desired goals. In a state of fusion, it can be hard to separate ourselves from our thoughts.

Looking back at what we initially described as how we can be conditioned by specific roles, Hayes et al. (1986), as cited in Hulbert-Williams et al. (2016), found that rule-governed behavior is inflexible. That is, in the presence of unwritten rules, human behavior can often fail to respond to other contingencies of reinforcement.

Working with our clients on identifying and acknowledging those anchors and rule-governed behaviors will contribute to channel their energy in more positive, productive, and flexible ways.

Take Perspective

We propose taking perspective as providing psychological space between self and thoughts for clients to challenge their current view and raise awareness that their perspective is transient.

Hulbert-Williams et al. (2016) propose that techniques which encourage defusion can be helpful, especially when clients describe feeling stuck in a given pattern of behavior. Such techniques help clients move from a place where they try to battle with those behaviors, and the associated thoughts, to a place where they notice them and are curious about them – ‘defusing’ from them to provide a bit of psychological breathing space between themselves and their thoughts.

To take perspective, the previous step, identifying anchors, is required, as perspective-taking involves two processes: anchoring and adjustment (Wundrack et al., 2018). We need to establish the initial anchoring perspective, the person’s perspective, from which clients start, so clients find ways to challenge it and raise awareness that said perspective is temporal, transient. Being aware that their current perspective is transient and only one of many possible perspectives undermines the significance of their point of view as an anchor when considering other perspectives. Therefore, clients may be more able or willing to deviate from their perspectives and may be open to making more adjustments (Wundrack et al., 2018).

Broadening the number of possible perspectives, incorporating how thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and circumstances fit together in their lives, can help clients build a richer repertoire of plausible, self-experienced perspectives that facilitates adjustment (Wundrack et al., 2018). This process, called perspective-pooling, builds on the increased growth in diverse experiences over time. In other words, perspective-pooling builds on the increased growth in diverse self-knowledge for people high in state variability (Wundrack et al., 2018).

Flexibility

This diverse self-knowledge will be a stepping stone for clients to view themselves as containers of different selves and develop a more flexible sense of self with realism. That means incorporating their context and what they want and can do about it, how they want to conduct themselves given the reality of their current circumstances.

In Hulbert-Williams et al.’s (2016)study, their client had lots of ‘I am’ stories that helped her make sense of the world but were not always helpful in terms of functioning effectively. Thus, we will work with clients on considering their many different selves, so they can see that they are the container for all of these ‘selves and, thus, behave more flexibly.

Flexibility is fundamental to our client’s success in dealing with the challenges they are facing. Greater psychological flexibility has been associated with a higher quality of life, emotional well-being, community participation, and resilience (Butler & Ciarrochi, 2007, as cited in Han et al.,2021). In the case of family caregivers, studies found psychological flexibility as a significant buffer against psychological distress (i.e., depressive symptoms, anxiety, and stress) (Jansen et al., 2017, as cited in Han et al., 2021)

It’s interesting to note that, according to Hulbert-Williams et al. (2016, P. 12):

 “In the work setting, psychological flexibility is predictive of job performance (Bond & Flaxman, 2006), attitudes toward learning new skills (ibid.), job satisfaction (Donaldso-Feilder & Bond, 2004), and lower absenteeism (Bond, Flaxman, & Bunce, 2008). In intervention studies, ACT has successfully improved acceptance and engagement with a work redesign intervention (Bond et al., 2008), and has reduced both workplace stress (Flaxman & Bond, 2010b; 2010a) and burnout (Vilardaga et al., 2011).”

Action

For this process to work and impact our clients’ lives, they will need to act, take small steps to build a different relationship with their ‘self’, and build muscle to adjust and incorporate diverse perspectives. As Hulbert-Williams et al. (2016) share, by broadening their client’s horizons, by contacting the parts of her ‘self’ that had been neglected, and by taking small steps of committed action, a new person emerged.

The goal is to partner with clients, so they take action and build a different relationship with themselves by acknowledging distressing thoughts and feelings, by acknowledging their anchors and looking at them from different perspectives, by acknowledging and embracing the diversity of their inner selves. And thus, incorporating them in the roles they perform in a more balanced and satisfactory way, therefore living a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

It will be such an enriching experience to share with my clients their journeys of self-discovery and witness how they find within themselves what they need to transition through their different roles and evolve and grow.

Learn How to Create Your Own Coaching Model

Your Coaching Model reflects your values, philosophies and beliefs and must communicate who you will coach and the problems you will solve.

Read more about creating your own coaching model

References

Eyzaguirre, Valeria Mariel. Sobrecarga del cuidador y sentido de coherencia en padres de adolescentes con cáncer (Caregiveroverload and sense of coherence inparentsofadolescentswithcancer).http://hdl.handle.net/20.500.12404/12871.

Han, Areum & Yuen, Hon & Jenkins, Jeremy Acceptance and commitment therapy for family caregivers: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Health Psychology. 26. 82-102. 10.1177/1359105320941217.

Hulbert-Williams, Lee & Hochard, Kevin & Hulbert-Williams, Nick & Archer, Rob & Nicholls, Wendy & Wilson, Kelly Contextual behavioral coaching: An evidence-based model for supporting behavior change. International Coaching Psychology Review. 11. 30-42.

Hung Kit Fok, Chin Ming Hui, Michael Harris Bond, David Matsumoto, Seung Hee Yoo. Integrating personality, context, relationship, and emotion type into a model of display rules. 

PsycInfo Database Record (2020). Abstract of Dymond, S., & Roche, B. (Eds.). Advances in relational frame theory: Research and application. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2013-07435-000

Roberts, B. W.& Donahue, E. M. One personality, multiple selves: Integrating personality and social roles. Journal of Personality, 62(2), 199–218. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.1994.tb00291.x

Skews, Rachael & Palmer, Stephen. Acceptance and commitment coaching: making the case for an ACT-based approach to coaching, published in https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Stephen-Palmer-6/publication/316455754_Acceptance_and_commitment_coaching_Making_the_case_for_an_ACT-based_approach_to_coaching

Wundrack, Richard & Prager, Julia & Asselmann, Eva & O’Connell, Garret & Specht, Jule. Does Intraindividual Variability of Personality States Improve Perspective-Taking? An Ecological Approach Integrating Personality and Social Cognition. Journal of Intelligence. 6. 50. 10.3390/jintelligence6040050.

Original source: https://coachcampus.com/coach-portfolios/coaching-models/flexibility/

[bcnhqs]

( HARRY STYLES + CISMALE ) —  Have you seen BENJAMIN JONES ? This TWENTY-EIGHT year old is a/an PHOTOGRAPHER, BOUNCER, AND PERSONAL TRAINER who resides in MANHATTAN. HE has/have been living in NYC for EIGHT MONTHS, and is/are known to be ENERGETIC and ADVENTUROUS, but can also be SELF-ABSORBED and ARROGANT, if you cross them.  People tend to associate them with POLAROIDS and EMPTY BEER BOTTLES

tw: mental health, drugs

ugh my pride and joy !! i love ben with all my heart and i hope you love him too. let’s plot! 

@codstarters​

Ben was raised in a family of four; his mother, father, and his younger brother. Ben is the older out of the two boys. He always had to be a role model for his brother, setting the best examples, being responsible, and anything else of the typical older brother. When Ben was only sixteen years old, he got emancipated from his parents. He experienced a great level of trauma throughout his life, some of which included abuse from her mother, loss of one of his best friends, experienced a natural disaster, and shame associated with past relationships.

After he got emancipated, he began to travel around the world; Germany, Europe, England, Thailand, Ireland, Japan – you name it. During his time traveling, Ben started to gain interest in photography; taking photos of the people and places that he has seen. By this, he was able to gain a large following of social media and even began posting pictures of himself which seemed to gain if not more interest to followers. He makes decent money from being a social media personality.

He likes impressing people, making sure that he has the approval of others. However, at the same time, Ben grew tired of being the best role model or trying to make sure that he had the approval of everyone else. With that being said, he tends to impress others by the materialistic items that he has such as fancy cars or the hottest fashion trends. Ben has little to no filter, saying anything that is on his mind. It certainly has gotten himself into a bit of trouble, especially mixed with drugs and alcohol. Ben has been to jail for drug possession charges – which one of the charges led him to spend some time in rehab. During his time in rehab, Ben realized that traveling, doing drugs, and the other reckless behavior he participated in was his ways of forgetting the trauma that he has faced throughout his lifetime.

After his time in rehab, Ben really tries to remain clean of hard drugs and did complete probation. But with the amount of traveling that he has done in his life, nothing has ever stuck afterward.He loves music, photography, and geography. He might not have graduated high school, but he is far more intelligent than anyone would think that he was due to the amount of traveling that he has done during his lifetime.

A great deal of Ben’s time was spent in a flight or flight mode, causing him to be this wild card or overly cocky individual. Ben has been on his own since he was fifteen, the sole caretaker for himself. He has had to constantly adapt to life’s situations. However, if someone can be the person to break down his walls, he is more than just a fuckboy. Only specific people get to see the real side of him. Of course, it’s a cliche that everyone has walls and isn’t a nice person until you get to know them, but Ben has had to learn to look out for himself and no one else; self-preservation.

This world traveler had  turned into a settler, the past few months in New York. It suits his speed.  Although he makes decent money from being a social media personality, he does work as a bouncer to make extra cash. He enjoys the speed of the venue, as it matches his personality and his character. Ben stayed in New York or a few months and realized that he was still afraid of settling down and he ended up leaving for a little while. His excuse was that he went to get certified as a personal trainer. Which, he did, so his ‘excuse’ matched his actions. 

Last tidbit, Ben is bisexual. He has a tendency towards choosing women. He has only had two serious relationships that have lasted longer than a few months and that the two of them went out on more than just a few dates. Ben is not a dater, more like ‘hanging out’, if you catch his drift. His serious relationships have left him a bit immature and fearful of committing to someone.

[halycondaze]

death, mourning, and femininity in adrestia

trigger warnings: death, superstitions, sexism, victorian germans i mean, adrestians being wild

to start: i have modeled (and borrowed heavily) on the victorian idea of death and the public nature of mourning on the victorian idea of these things. victorian culture has been described as death obsessed, which is where we get the macabre works of artists contemporary to the time.  the fall of house usher, the bronte sister’s haunting works, these were influenced and indeed, perhaps spawned by this cultural obsession with death. 

the ideal death in victorian culture, as described by mortician c*aitlin d*oughty, was to “[meet] eternity with eyes open, bravely facing god and judgement, thought provoking last words of wisdom poised on their lips,” and “was the hope and goal of every person.” 1 she then later goes on to explain that the process associated with “victorian mourning” would have really only been practiced in higher class / upper levels of society. 

therefor, the same will be true throughout this headcanon. these are the truths for upper society, the nobles and, given fódlan’s strict social hierarchy, mainly available to those born into crest bearing families. however, much like fashion trends, what is considered standard by the upper echelon is often seen as aspirational by those below them. after all, appearance is the way the world perceives you, and if you can make the world perceive you as higher than your actual standing, you have the chance (the smallest, slightest chance) of achieving said place. respect can get you into a lot of places. 

especially in death. death is that last chance to be seen as respected, especially as unclaimed bodies in victorian times were often used for medical study.... and, given the canonical banning of autopsies 2 done by rhea, this probably, paradoxically, becomes more of a worry. the lack of official ways to study a body and doctors desperately needing to understand why people are dying might turn to stealing unclaimed corpses. and even if there aren’t surreptitious autopsies, unclaimed bodies would have had their teeth pulled to make dentures, were the teeth in good shape. 

if you’ve got even one family member, or a close friend, or simply a presence in a community, in adrestia, you’re buried and publicly mourned. it’s respect, it’s dignity, it’s about eternity. it is also, yes, a safety net, and, if someone is an unburied, unclaimed person, it’s a condemnation. and yes, this does happen more to immigrants, women, and the poor than it would to men, those born in fódlan, or the rich. unless you were truly despised by your own family, a rich man was getting buried.

unlike the victorians, however, embalming doesn’t really catch on in adrestia. the use of harsh, poisonous chemicals is seen as desecrating the body, which should be treated as gently as you would treat a living person. there are three expected processes for death in adrestia, and they depend on where the person dies: at home, out of the home in a civilian setting, or at war. 

when someone dies at home, it is expected that their family members / those they live with will record the time of death, either generally using the position of the sun/moon, or if they own / are near a sundial, will use that instead. then, all mirrors are covered with sheets or turned down, to prevent the soul from getting lost on their way to the afterlife. a black wreath will be hung on the door so anyone coming to visit will know to knock softly. 1

afterwards, it is expected to keep the body in the home, as preparations for the wake and funeral begin. the woman of the house, or a close female friend, is expected to prepare the body. they will wrap a gentle cloth around the mouth and close the deceased’s eyes with cotton pads, so they have a reserved countenance at the wake. then they will be washed, again gently, from underneath a sheet, to preserve dignity. the cloths used are burned. 1 3

from there, the deceased will be dressed, usually in their burial shroud, which the deceased would have already had, or if they did not have one, then they would simply be buried in their sunday best. while the ladies of the house prepare the body, the man (or, a male family friend) would go and fetch a casket for the burial and wake. upon return, the body would be moved into the casket. from then on, no more preparations or changes are made to the body, except for the use of ice magic to slow decay. this is the only form of preservation allowed in adrestia. 

after, letters are sent out, sealed with black wax and if the person is rich enough, on papers prepared for their death with small copies of a portrait of them. the wake lasts about five days, no longer than seven. one cannot show up at a funeral uninvited. that is considered beyond preposterous, and if you did not get an invitation, you could politely send a letter to the deceased’s family / caretakers to request to show up. 

the funeral itself is very familiar to one who grew up in the american tradition - people in black (or muted colors, see below) with their heads held down, crying and talking about their virtues. they will have a procession to the graveyard, taking as convoluted a route as possible, to prevent the spirit from simply following the family home. afterwards, they return for refreshments, usually sweets, and people will talk for a few hours and return home. 

for someone who died outside the household, the police must examine the body visually to make sure they did not die due to murder, but the rest plays out namely the same once they’re brought home. they’re washed and treated with care, and eventually brought to a graveyard. 

someone who died in battle is buried differently. they rarely have a body, and if they do, then it will proceed as above. however, if they do not, it expected for their chosen burial shroud or sunday best to be buried in their place, and the expected mourning period is elongated by a month, due to the lack of the body to bury. 

mourning (+femininity) 

now, as with actual victorian mourning, there are a lot of rules. particularly for women. so let’s roll back and place the role of women in fódlan over all:

the expectation of noble women in fódlan, is to get married and produce children who bear crests. however, this also places them as the center of the household no matter where you go. rarely is one married for love, particularly in this higher society. however, adrestia has a very large performance aspect. and of course, this expected more of women than it is of men.

for instance, an adrestian widow is expected to be in full mourning for a year, but a widower is only expected to mourn six months. after all, a widower must find another wife to continue to produce heirs, and hasn’t the time to be in full mourning. after the full mourning period, it is expected for the widow/er to be in half mourning for a few months after, but again, men are given far less scrutiny. 1 3

full mourning entails: all black dress, thick black veils, and for men, a specific kind of mourning coat. as said, these are in all black, and sometimes it is expected to have a piece of cameo jewelry, (made with the deceased’s hair) or a handkerchief on the person at all time. it is considered uncouth to go out into society during full mourning. 3

half mourning entails: muted colors (grey, lilac, navy) but in the typical, day to day style. the silhouette tends to change once a decade. one may socialize as expected of your station, but you are expected to never show intense happiness or joy if you are in half mourning. 3

servants of the household where a death occurred are expected to wear a black band around their arm until the grieving family is out of mourning. 3

there are, of course, other rituals and superstitions. copied verbatim from the source below / taken from the first source, they are: 1 3

one must cover all mirrors in the house when someone has died, because the spirit will get lost. it is bad luck to meet a funeral procession head on. If you see one approaching, turn around. If this is unavoidable, hold on to a button until the funeral cortege passes. if you hear a clap of thunder following a burial it indicates that the soul of the departed has reached heaven. if you don’t hold your breath while going by a graveyard, you will not be buried after your death. if the deceased has lived a good life, flowers would bloom on his grave; but if he has been evil, only weeds would grow.

femininity, part two

as i alluded to above, the care taking of a corpse is coded feminine, in both victorian life, and adrestian culture.  in fact, young girls are given “death kits” and expected to train to understand how to properly prepare a body, and understand why such things are done. 4 while no one seems to consider the effects of this kind of culture on the girls, it is a standard way of raising them that prepares them to be the face of a noble household. 

this leads to a very interesting form of femininity. as women in fódlan are allowed to be warriors as well (though really, only in adrestia and the alliance) there is very little expectation for a woman to be squeamish about... anything. women caretake bodies and they are trained to kill, if they’re lucky enough to go to school. however, there is also always the expectation that a noble daughter - and a poor daughter - will marry a man, hopefully above her station, to elevate the family’s status and produce heirs with a crest. and many women - namely in the holy kingdom - will actually turn to becoming nuns to avoid this fate. and if they don’t, then they run away from home, or hole themselves up to be considered unmarriageable or tear at yellow wallpapers as they slowly grab for freedom. 

to be raised in this culture is to become aware of mortality so early on, particularly for young girls, and to become either hardened to it, or more sensitive to death. the four girls we see from adrestia (edelgard, dorothea, bernadetta, and mercedes) reflect this well. they were all raised with this pressure of being the face of a future household, and have become almost perfectly poised to never be that face - the newest generation of adrestian girls is like this. they are girls ready to overthrow the system, from one point of view or another - girls who know how to kill and are ready to stop the system’s breath. 

and even if they’re not, they still grew up finding tiny porcelain corpses in cakes, the unavoidable hand of death. 5

SOURCES:

1. we recreated a victorian funeral  2. screenshots from the fe/3h dlc 3. the rules and regulations of mourning in the victorian era 4. victorian death dolls 5. happy birthday, there’s a corpse in your cake!

[grindskull]

Shit that fucks me up #1 - Toxic Masculinity and being a “man”

Gotta have some way to organize my random thoughts here. I’m going with the obvious thing - Shit that fucks me up (STFMU). This is about me and my experiences. It is not my intention to discredit or question other human experiences. Sharing in the hopes of connecting with others who may have feel similar in their own skin. There are things here that others may define as triggers so read at your own risk (rape, abuse, and this fucking world). ---

Here is me being vulnerable.  I am putting myself out there by discussing masculinity and how I often do not identify with the larger concept of “being a man” in any positive way. You can call it toxic masculinity if you prefer. It’s acceptable shorthand for something that is just as nuanced and difficult to wade through as anything gender related.  I read this article on The Atlantic yesterday and there were some things that really resonated with me and my experience as a man/male (he/his/him). You can read it here (sorry there is a pay wall if you read more than 4 articles a month) but I will also be quoting some of the article below.  If you have time to read the article I’ll wait. It’s a bit long (many articles on The Atlantic are) and kind of academic at times. It’s okay if you don’t agree with everything in the article. Just read it.  Done? Okay let me set the stage a bit for how this shit fucks me up. ---

I’m male. I have always identified as a male/boy/man in my life. Unfortunately my experience with other males/boys/men has been mostly negative. It started at an early age when I had a hard time connecting with other boys my age. I was not interested in typical “male” interests like sports, violence, competition, and achievement. I had few (usually 1 or 2) friends at any one time and they typically had some kind of unhealthy power dynamic over me where I was subservient to my “friend” in some way.  I have some thoughts on reasons why this happened. The short version is I lived in poverty (often extreme) and I was searching for help and support in order to survive. At home I had abuse (mental, physical, verbal), drugs, addiction, and neglect. It was not a safe place to be so I did whatever I could to not be there. It was not unusual for me to eat maybe one meal during the day (typically what I could get from others at school or their home). Winter was the worst as we often did not have heat. Some of my “friends” used this as a way to hold power over me and make demands of my personality, time, and attention. Imagine finding yourself in this situation - you have to actively work to not be yourself in order to appease others for your very survival. Of course as a youth I didn’t identify it this way - my “friends” were just bossy or demanding. All of my male role models were basically assholes who did not give a fuck about anyone except themselves. This was a huge part of the 80′s zeitgeist in popular culture at the time as well. In some ways nothing has really changed. “... when asked to describe the attributes of “the ideal guy,” those same boys appeared to be harking back to 1955. Dominance. Aggression. Rugged good looks (with an emphasis on height). Sexual prowess. Stoicism. Athleticism. Wealth (at least some day).“ Under this common definition of “masculinity” I do not see myself. I am loyal, honest, caring, and sweet (to those I love). I love my body though I am non-athletic and have been most of my life. I am an attentive and talented lover but I have had very few sexual partners in my life and never saw them as moments of “conquest”. I was dirt poor most of my life but now live comfortably in my own home with my long term partner. So while not “wealthy” it is far beyond anything I could have imagined I would have in my life as a boy. Stoicism I have down. That one was easy. For me it’s just a nice way of saying “I have completely disconnected from my emotions and not having feelings or emotions is the best way to be a man”. I believed that for a very long time - it’s only in the past 2-3 years I have begun the work of breaking that down and reconnecting with my own emotions. It’s all tied up in trauma, depression, and anxiety so it takes a bit of fucking work but it’s very much worth it. If you are a man/male who thinks it is normal to not have emotions (or that emotions make you feminine/weak) please listen to me - THAT IS BULLSHIT. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO HAVE EMOTIONS.

“... young men described just one narrow route to successful masculinity. One-third said they felt compelled to suppress their feelings, to “suck it up” or “be a man” when they were sad or scared, and more than 40 percent said that when they were angry, society expected them to be combative.“

Emotions are not weakness. You are not weak for having them, feeling them, or connecting with them. There is great strength in connecting with yourself and understanding your emotions. Don’t let anyone tell you different. They are delusional at best and actively trying to harm you at worst.

“While following the conventional script may still bring social and professional rewards to boys and men, research shows that those who rigidly adhere to certain masculine norms are not only more likely to harass and bully others but to themselves be victims of verbal or physical violence. They’re more prone to binge-drinking, risky sexual behavior, and getting in car accidents. They are also less happy than other guys, with higher depression rates and fewer friends in whom they can confide.”

---

How did we get here!? Have men always been this way? What about the good ole masculinity of ye olden times? It was a simple time where men were men right? A man’s man? “According to Andrew Smiler, a psychologist who has studied the history of Western masculinity, the ideal late-19th-century man was compassionate, a caretaker, but such qualities lost favor as paid labor moved from homes to factories during industrialization. In fact, the Boy Scouts, whose creed urges its members to be loyal, friendly, courteous, and kind, was founded in 1910 in part to counter that dehumanizing trend. Smiler attributes further distortions in masculinity to a century-long backlash against women’s rights. During World War I, women proved that they could keep the economy humming on their own, and soon afterward they secured the vote. Instead of embracing gender equality, he says, the country’s leaders “doubled down” on the inalienable male right to power, emphasizing men’s supposedly more logical and less emotional nature as a prerequisite for leadership.”

Take a minute to read that and really take it in. Like many things in the US (and the world) the effects of industrialization and war shaped our current version of accepted masculinity. More specifically the leaders of this country (and leaders in other countries) used their positions of power to strengthen men and this new masculinity in our institutions. Then we were taught that this was the “right way” to “be a man”. FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

“Today many parents are unsure of how to raise a boy, what sort of masculinity to encourage in their sons. But as I learned from talking with boys themselves, the culture of adolescence, which fuses hyper-rationality with domination, sexual conquest, and a glorification of male violence, fills the void.“

Here we have the core of what I experience as a man when it comes to the current socially accepted version of masculinity and why it fucks me up. I don’t identify with any of this shit! It does not feed me. It does not make me feel fulfilled and happy. It doesn’t make the world better for anyone it simply dehumanizes us all. 

“In a classic study, adults shown a video of an infant startled by a jack-in-the-box were more likely to presume the baby was “angry” if they were first told the child was male. Mothers of young children have repeatedly been found to talk more to their girls and to employ a broader, richer emotional vocabulary with them; with their sons, again, they tend to linger on anger. As for fathers, they speak with less emotional nuance than mothers regardless of their child’s sex. Despite that, according to Judy Y. Chu, a human-biology lecturer at Stanford who conducted a study of boys from pre-K through first grade, little boys have a keen understanding of emotions and a desire for close relationships. But by age 5 or 6, they’ve learned to knock that stuff off, at least in public: to disconnect from feelings of weakness, reject friendships with girls (or take them underground, outside of school), and become more hierarchical in their behavior.“

I’m not going to get into the topic of my own father (that’s another post in this series for sure) too deeply but I will say I completely identify with these ideas. Emotional distance, only expressing anger, telling me having emotions was weak. This was reinforced societal norms throughout my youth through today. Don’t talk about your problems or feelings. Ball them up inside. Wall yourself off from the world. Connections = weakness that others will exploit. You must control every situation and hold power over others. FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

---

So when did I wake up? When did I start to see through this shit in some way? When my younger sister was born. It was really obvious to me that she was treated in a different way and expectations of her as a girl/woman were not the same as the expectations others had for me. Mostly I just saw the negatives in this. It took me time (and lots of communication and experiences with my partner and others) to recognize the root of this was more fucked up socialization. 

“Girlfriends, mothers, and in some cases sisters were the most common confidants of the boys I met. While it’s wonderful to know they have someone to talk to—and I’m sure mothers, in particular, savor the role—teaching boys that women are responsible for emotional labor, for processing men’s emotional lives in ways that would be emasculating for them to do themselves, comes at a price for both sexes. Among other things, that dependence can leave men unable to identify or express their own emotions, and ill-equipped to form caring, lasting adult relationships.”

Read this carefully. Nobody is responsible for your emotional well being but you. If you are a male/man this is especially true - females/women are not responsible for managing your emotions and your reliance on them to take care of this is a form of abuse. They are not responsible for your emotions. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN EMOTIONS.

It can be really hard to see this. It was a blind spot for me for way too long. Don’t let it be one for you. Connecting with and taking responsibility for your emotions is one of the biggest things you can do to improve yourself as a human being. If you are sad you can cry. If you are happy you can laugh. You have a wide range of emotions and they don’t all lead to frustration or anger.

“As someone who, by virtue of my sex, has always had permission to weep, I didn’t initially understand this. Only after multiple interviews did I realize that when boys confided in me about crying—or, even more so, when they teared up right in front of me—they were taking a risk, trusting me with something private and precious: evidence of vulnerability, or a desire for it.“

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Okay so putting aside all of the reinforcement we get from our parents and institutions and our lack of emotional vulnerability why do we all buy into this dumb shit? Who convinced us all this is what masculinity is? And why do we listen?

“What the longtime sportswriter Robert Lipsyte calls “jock culture” (or what the boys I talked with more often referred to as “bro culture”) is the dark underbelly of male-dominated enclaves, whether or not they formally involve athletics: all-boys’ schools, fraternity houses, Wall Street, Silicon Valley, Hollywood, the military. Even as such groups promote bonding, even as they preach honor, pride, and integrity, they tend to condition young men to treat anyone who is not “on the team” as the enemy (the only women who ordinarily make the cut are blood relatives— bros before hos!), justifying any hostility toward them. Loyalty is paramount, and masculinity is habitually established through misogynist language and homophobia.”

Sounds familiar right guys? Don’t kid yourself. This is what being a man looks like in almost all situations in which we feel “safe” to express our self right? You are either with us or against us. Anything different or anyone questioning this behavior must be “othered” as they are clearly not “on the team”. FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

This was my entire experience as a youth. As someone who did not fit into this group (nor wanted to) I was immediately “othered” and deemed a “pussy” or “fag” or “homo” or “weirdo”. My friend group reflected this - mostly others who also were “not on the team” like women, gays and lesbians, and men who also did not identify with this version of masculinity. Which just made it easier to group us all together and identify us as the enemy. 

“Just because some young men now draw the line at referring to someone who is openly gay as a fag doesn’t mean, by the way, that gay men (or men with traits that read as gay) are suddenly safe. If anything, the gay guys I met were more conscious of the rules of manhood than their straight peers were. They had to be—and because of that, they were like spies in the house of hypermasculinity.” Without the ability to connect with and express my emotions I often reacted in anger. I started fights. I got violent (with words and writing mostly). I returned this “othering” and treated them all as the enemy. I had other reasons for this (being abused by men as a boy) but at the crux of the issue I had no trust for men. This helped me connect with women and my gay friends as they also experienced this distrust in similar (and different) ways. 

Years later I found myself in a job where I managed a group of men (100 or more at any time) working as a team (video game industry) and totally unable to connect with any of them as a human let alone a man. It was at this time that I realized this was a problem beyond my own experiences and when I started to understand my own participation in this system. 

I tried to question things as they came up. I tried to hear my teammates and help them navigate this murky sea of masculinity to find their own place in it. Most people didn’t want to participate. They learned to keep their mouth shut if I was within earshot of their typical “bro talk”. They learned to act differently around me so as not to incur my wrath (using my anger and position of power to punish them for being sexist, racist, or intolerant). I felt powerful and I tricked myself into thinking I was making a difference. I was wrong. 

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“Recently, Pascoe turned her attention to no homo, a phrase that gained traction in the 1990s. She sifted through more than 1,000 tweets, primarily by young men, that included the phrase. Most were expressing a positive emotion, sometimes as innocuous as “I love chocolate ice cream, #nohomo” or “I loved the movie The Day After Tomorrow, #nohomo.” “A lot of times they were saying things like ‘I miss you’ to a friend or ‘We should hang out soon,’ ” she said. “Just normal expressions of joy or connection.” No homo is a form of inoculation against insults from other guys, Pascoe concluded, a “shield that allows boys to be fully human.”

It wasn’t long before my “making a difference” spread into our hiring, training, and management of the team. I brought in women who wanted to work in the game industry. I tried to shut down any of the bro culture bullshit that came up and used it as an opportunity to teach other men why it was fucked up. It worked for some (maybe 5-6 people out of hundreds) but the majority either quit or tried to get me fired. Most did not change their behavior in any way. 

The women said they knew what they were getting into. I don’t believe they knew what it was like to actually be in the middle of the situation. I assume women in the military probably have a lot of experience like this. In short - it’s fucking toxic and disgusting. Like other males/men they too have to fall in line and “become one of the boys” or risk being antagonized and ostracized for being “different”. It’s Lord of the Flies. It’s fucking mob mentality. It’s masculinity at it’s absolute worst. And this was in a “progressive” creative city working for a small company with a woman CEO. Men simply don’t give a fuck and it’s almost always easier to go with the flow. FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

My first experience with a trans individual in a work setting occurred was while I was managing this team. One of our long term employees made the transition and I had to watch how they were treated by the “bros’. Jokes were made, memes were shared, snickering and fucked up behavior was rampant. I had to talk to, discipline, and fire many individuals. These were men I thought were “on the team” and working to be good examples of masculinity. I should have known that was just part of the act - their way of surviving and showing subservience to me as a man in a position of power over them. My trust was further eroded in masculinity. 

Putting yourself over others is not power. It is dehumanization and it stems from hate. We can be different without being better or worse than someone else regardless of who they are. Not everything has to be a competition. It took me way too long to undo the damage done to me by these ideal of toxic masculinity. You can do it too - you just have to start today. 

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Beyond the negative effects this version of masculinity has on us as males/men it also fucks up our interaction with women and sexual partners and it’s certainly done so to me. I’m actively working on unfucking my fucking and aware that many of my heterosexual ideals of sex stem from the same shit I have been actively fighting against most of my life. Connecting emotionally with your sexual partner takes things to a completely different level.

“It’s not like I imagined boys would gush about making sweet, sweet love to the ladies, but why was their language so weaponized ? The answer, I came to believe, was that locker-room talk isn’t about sex at all, which is why guys were ashamed to discuss it openly with me. The (often clearly exaggerated) stories boys tell are really about power: using aggression toward women to connect and to validate one another as heterosexual, or to claim top spots in the adolescent sexual hierarchy. Dismissing that as “banter” denies the ways that language can desensitize—abrade boys’ ability to see girls as people deserving of respect and dignity in sexual encounters.”  

This is the first thing that comes to my mind when I hear the term “rape culture”. As men we are taught that to be masculine is to claim “wins” in sexual conquest. Sex is property and we can collect it. Even if it’s with our long term partners or spouses. Ever tried talking to men about this? Ever questioned others on how it’s fucked up? You probably heard about how it’s all in jest. Just a joke! I’m just joking!  “When called out, boys typically claim that they thought they were just being “funny.” And in a way that makes sense—when left unexamined, such “humor” may seem like an extension of the gross-out comedy of childhood. Little boys are famous for their fart jokes, booger jokes, poop jokes. It’s how they test boundaries, understand the human body, gain a little cred among their peers. But, as can happen with sports, their glee in that can both enable and camouflage sexism. The boy who, at age 10, asks his friends the difference between a dead baby and a bowling ball may or may not find it equally uproarious, at 16, to share what a woman and a bowling ball have in common (you can Google it). He may or may not post ever-escalating “jokes” about women, or African Americans, or homosexuals, or disabled people on a group Snapchat. He may or may not send “funny” texts to friends about “girls who need to be raped,” or think it’s hysterical to surprise a buddy with a meme in which a woman is being gagged by a penis, her mascara mixed with her tears. He may or may not, at 18, scrawl the names of his hookups on a wall in his all-male dorm, as part of a year-long competition to see who can “pull” the most. Perfectly nice, bright, polite boys I interviewed had done one or another of these things.”

Let me be clear in case you are confused. This shit isn’t funny. Laughing at other people’s misfortune is a long standing human tradition yes - and it still dehumanizes everyone involved. That doesn’t make me laugh but maybe you are still amused? Why?

“At the most disturbing end of the continuum, “funny” and “hilarious” become a defense against charges of sexual harassment or assault. To cite just one example, a boy from Steubenville, Ohio, was captured on video joking about the repeated violation of an unconscious girl at a party by a couple of high-school football players. “She is so raped,” he said, laughing. “They raped her quicker than Mike Tyson.” When someone off camera suggested that rape wasn’t funny, he retorted, “It isn’t funny—it’s hilarious!”

The classic toxic masculinity force field present in my life has been the “just joking” phrase with the ultimate no consequence phrase “it’s hilarious!”. Say something you don’t want to manage the consequences for? Just a joke! People still question you or your morals after saying some heinous shit? No.. it’s cool... it’s hilarious! You just gotta laugh! FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

“Hilarious” is another way, under the pretext of horseplay or group bonding, that boys learn to disregard others’ feelings as well as their own. “Hilarious” is a haven, offering distance when something is inappropriate, confusing, depressing, unnerving, or horrifying; when something defies boys’ ethics. It allows them to subvert a more compassionate response that could be read as unmasculine—and makes sexism and misogyny feel transgressive rather than supportive of an age-old status quo. Boys may know when something is wrong; they may even know that true manhood—or maybe just common decency—compels them to speak up. Yet, too often, they fear that if they do, they’ll be marginalized or, worse, themselves become the target of derision from other boys. Masculinity, then, becomes not only about what boys do say, but about what they don’t—or won’t, or can’t—say, even when they wish they could. The psychologists Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, the authors of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, have pointed out that silence in the face of cruelty or sexism is how too many boys become men. 

I feel like I may have already gone too far into this dark hole of shit that fucks me up around toxic masculinity. I hope I didn’t lose you. I hope you have questions and thoughts about how this impacts your life. Perhaps ways that you make a change today to fight against this bullshit. You may be asking yourself “what can we do!?” At the end of the day its up to males/men to change this culture. It’s not about self-hate or self-abuse. We gotta name this and own it. We need more men to step up and say ‘It doesn’t have to be like this”. Our collective mental health requires us to be more flexible and connected to ourselves and emotions. We need to find ways to deal with our anger, frustration, and desires in ways that don’t hurt ourselves and others. We need to teach ourselves (especially youth) that it isn’t enough to only talk about things we shouldn’t (and hopefully won’t) do. 

If this shit fucks you too you can do something about it. Start with yourself. Question these things when they come up. And not only when you feel “safe” to do so. Do it consistently in ways that are non-confrontational (they will probably lead to confrontations with most men anyway - sorry). Be okay with not always “winning’ in these situations. You’ll be surprised who you might connect with in the process. Hopefully one of those people will be yourself. 

[streetsofsecrets-a]

                                                LOVE TKO

      Leone Impellizzeri was both the shortest man Delores knew as well as the most vulgar. In another world, Delores would have avoided him at all costs, for his hair-trigger temper and quick hands made her catch her breath and caused her shoulders to hitch. But, in this world Mr. Impellizzeri was unfortunately her Boss.

Delores was navigated to him by Giovanni, as she needed to not only take care of her grandfather (gently threading on the line between granddaughter and nurse) but also provide for him - consequently, provide for herself. It was not in Delores’ desire to work at a small den where Italian men congregated. It was also not in Mr. Impellizzeri's desire to have her black face greeting those who entered his establishment. 

His clear hesitance made Delores think just how ridiculous prejudice was. This was not a five star restaurant, not even a Disco, just a “club” that looked no different than any other corner shop in Brooklyn. Why, to strictly judge the exterior even brought the local deli to mind. Potentially being declined by Mr. Impellizzerri would have left Delores with no wounded pride. In fact, she would have selfishly felt gratitude. 

Alas, Giovanni continued promising Leone she was a, “good kid.” In all the years he had known her, Amos never lifted a hand to keep her in her place. Granddaddy’s dearest companion had nothing but the kindest things to say about her, and due to this, she was welcomed. But not with open arms. 

It took time to trust her, Delores knew it. White skepticism was the same wherever she went. From the time her Grandfather shakily walked up and down the concrete steps of their stoop to the time he was developing bedsores from the confinement to his mattress, Mr. Impellizzeri gradually changed.

The bonuses he began giving were not out of fondness, but rather the fact she, “didn’t tell her friends about the hip, hot spot.” There were many ways to interpret this, and although mildly offended, Delores asked no questions. By the time Granddaddy passed on, she was kept at the New Prize Social Club as someone cherished. 

Men took in her petite height and slender legs with zeal and benevolence. Dino Vaccaro was even taken to calling her baby. Sometimes babydoll. Delores supposed it was fine so long as his hands never ‘accidentally’ grazed her back for too long. His gaze never made her feel nauseous - she even believed although he was older than her (and young enough to be Leo's son - eldest son) Dino was quite handsome. 

In the grace of time, Delores reached the point where she also knew more about what went on in the Impellizzeri family home than she cared to. Like how Leone's daughter Angela was ‘in need’ of a friend like her. Eventually, it became clear to Delores that Angela was an aimless young woman. ‘Spoiled’ Grandaddy would surely say..

In spite of Leone’s warmth, the bonuses, and even the familiarity of the locals, there was little Delores enjoyed about New Prize. 

“Sally!” Leone’s hands clapped in rapid succession, “s’time for you’se to hit the road!”

 Winston’s dear friend made the place even more of an area where she, arguably, felt comfortable. The others did not treat him with the same serene indifference as she did, though. Often, Salvatore was treated to sneers and jeers from the scowling mouths elders, but Delores came to the conclusion he was tolerated because Giovanni shaped him into the finest Boxer in Bensonhurst. These days, she was often hearing how he pummeled another man from Queens (Italian, of course). A prized boxer of Astoria, she believes.

There was no doubt in her mind the sport was tied to a mafia related matter. The longer she stayed, the more she could see the subtleties, codes, gestures. However, all the boxers of Brooklyn’s Italian community were honored and celebrated here, and Delores came to the conclusion that across New York, Dons from different families bet on these young men.  

Either way, Salvatore's prowess meant he got a pass wherever he went. No longer did Giovanni have to have him on a leash, playing the role of caretaker. Delores saw some had difficulty with this. Mr. Impellizzeri had difficulty with this.  

“Y’know, you’re missin’ out on good customer service by closin’ this early!” as Salvatore made his reply, Delores scoffed below her breath. 10 PM was not early by any means. “It’s around this time when the real introspective hours kick in! Where’s a guy supposed t’think at?” he went on to ask. 

“I don’t care! You can get lost in your thoughts in a car, in a taxi! Y’just gotta get the hell outta here! Shop’s closed, Sal!” 

Salvatore rose both his body and hands, showing he desired no fight the older man. Even if he was 5’4. Even if he would have easily won. Watching him shove his hands into his pockets, Delores could only think of how she hated this hour. Particularly on nights like this when she was in charge of closing. Each time she would go into the night, praying she would make it back to Bed-Stuy alive. At this point, she prayed so much she should have actively attended Sunday Services.

“Angie’s datin’ a guy like that.”

“Is she?”

From the bar’s warmth to the cold air of the November night, Mr. Impellizzeri’s conversation traveled with them. To a degree, Delores felt resentment. How could he speak with her so attentively and then not even have enough kindness in him to wait with her for the bus?

“Can’t stand him,” he shakes his head, “I warned her about that guy, but she wouldn’t listen, and now what's happened? She has a baby. I don't fault the kid for resenting or nothin' but...oh madonna - this coulda all been avoided. You’d listen to your grandfather if he said the man you brought him was no good, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes.” She means, she supposes so. 

All the men in her life (or boys, if she counts the childhood infatuation held for Thomas Reed and Derrick Callaghan) were temporary. At the same time, she is aware none of them would have earned Granddaddy’s approval. They would have labels like buffoons or, had all of these attributes reduced to 'trifling.' To just briefly think of all that could have been if she were more open with her feelings, Delores understood her past distance. She was the sort of young girl who would think of how she and her lover’s bed sheets would look in their future home, but never ever would a name be mentioned in Granddaddy’s midst. 

“You’re such a good kid, Dolly.” 

She is twenty-one. 

“Stay safe.” Leone’s hand lingered over her own. There was affection in the gesture. Almost felt paternal. But that was not why Delores smiled, no. Thinking of how he signed her paycheck was the only reason she wore a tight smile, from the time his fingers grazed over her own to the time she walked onward the beam was no more. 

There was nothing to smile about as she walked through the cold. The dark cold. Where any man could be watching her. Where any man could emerge from the shadows and do more than steal her new purse. Instinctively, her grip on the dark leather strap tightened. She would not make the same mistake twice.

 Stay safe, the bitterness that bubbled in her stomach rose to her chest, leaving her lips as a spiteful whisper: “keep me safe….” 

It baffled Salvatore how frequently their paths crossed. Sure, the two of them were acquainted as - practical children, but even at the age of twelve Delores seemed to have the makings of one of those women. One of those women who would one day live far, far from Brooklyn. She would be married to a smart man who made his living through keeping people out of jail, if not pulling bullets out of bodies. They made good money; he could see her marrying into money. It was believed that either her grandfather would have financed her departure from the restless city or, his death was going to get her into motion. In the end she remained in the ‘ancient’ brownstone. Not only getting money from Brooklyn’s wise guys, but also working a double shift as Winston’s maid. If Salvatore did not see Delores at New Prize, cleaning and taking orders, then it was in her cousin’s apartment: fixing dinner and running a bath for little Naomi. 

Winston saw the way he would look at her as she tended to his daughter. Eyelids heavy, a ghost of a smile on his lips. It was as though he could just read Salvatore’s filthy mind. Seeing the multiple ideas of how he considered approaching her, touching her. It took no time for Winston to voice how he did not want him talking to her. 

It was an unusual demand. The two of them shared things since they were boys. Candy, money, even women once they came of age. But his cousin? She was off limits. 

It somewhat brought to mind how their grandfather would always keep her out of sight. Then, Sal guesses, the old man basically trained her on what to do when men were around. Because one sight of him? She would make herself scarce and swiftly, at that. Obviously not running, but obviously not wanting to be in his sights. Salvatore could not deny to himself that this is what steadily drew out his interest.

What made her so different to hide away? He asked himself this question progressively more these days. What made her more pure than other women? Supposedly pure - definitely pure. The concept of a single that woman so off-limits, like a princess, would bring an unbearable friction in his jeans on some days. He was capable of playing with a few fantasizes, stroking himself as if the woman he desired was filling him with divine satisfaction, coming and then moving on with life. But Delores just had to be in his spaces, and that made things different.

So tonight, he was throwing all loyalty to Winston out the window. Those pact-sealing handshakes they did at sixteen were but a thing of the past as Salvatore told himself, with certainty and more than that, determination, he was going to talk to Delores Littlejohn tonight. Ideally, it was going to be as old man Leo bid her goodbye, but he had to stand around outside just talking about whatever. Salvatore would not put it past him to have the desire in taking her on his arm. He would be quoting Frank Sinatra, telling Dolly how she made him feel so young.

That is, if another man didn’t get at her first. Dino most definitely had a sweet spot for her. Nevermind the fact he had a wife at home and a mistress five blocks down down the road: Dino had nothing but sweet words for the most unique looking woman in the bar. Whether Delores knew it or not, she was his sweetie, his honey, his babydoll. All of these names were uttered to Salvatore and other men, his fondness for her clear as day. When she approached, he hid his feelings. Mostly. The way ‘doll’ rolled off his tongue with such simplicity, one would think it was just a quirk of his speech. 

Dino and Leo could fawn over her all they wanted, but Salvatore was determined to speak first. Really speak beyond a ‘hi, how ya doin’ and other questions that did not travel far.

He pressed his foot on the pedal, moving down the dark street slow and smooth. Maybe old man Leo didn’t have a thing for her, Sal considered it. What sort of man would leave a woman out here like this? In November, 6 PM seemed like 10 PM and 10 PM seemed like 1 AM. 

“Hey,” how she jumped at his voice, the lights of his car, him. It did not matter he leaned out the window with friendliness in his smile. “Did I scare you Dolly?” He couldn’t help but laugh at her newfound stiffness.

Her brow arches, she sneers as if he committed a grave offense: “yes!”

“Hey, what’re y’so mad about? I wasn’t tryin’ to!” 

Silence emerged as Delores took the moment to breathe, considering what sort of answer to give. “I’m sorry for yelling at you...but you still snuck up on me.” 

Sal swore she rolled her eyes while turning her head. Rather than being embittered, he cannot recall ever seeing a woman do that so damn near graceful.

“How?” persistent, he asks this. Ready to point out he was not on foot, he did not tap her shoulder, grinning over her shoulder like some nightstalking creep. Delores did not answer. Hand tighter on her purse, she took mighty strides. 

Salvatore had to admit, the years shifted the way Delores’ demeanor was conveyed. No longer did she seem like a sixty-seven year old woman trapped in a youthful body, her ways somehow became not ‘old’ but ‘elegant.’ As though she were a woman of class, pride, all that other good stuff. The maturity of her face also brought fascination. Fascination she and Winston just about shared the same, thin almond-shaped eyes that she somehow made gorgeous. He also felt there was there was something “royal” within her smooth jawline, giving her chin extra leverage to jut and show disdain for her surroundings. Sometimes, like tonight, she let strands of her ebony hair dangle from her updo with red lipstick and small diamonds that dangled from her earlobes. She looked good. Too good for New Prize. She needed to be a hostess in - Sal supposed, Manhattan. A nice place in Manhattan where all the rich people went to eat. Even though there was an ‘old’ element to her - it was not like a decrepit old hag. He would compare her to a glamorous woman from the 50s, with traditional values and all of that.

It hit Sal like lightning - this is why Dino’s old ass was enchanted with her.

“Are you mad at me?” He grins, hand on the wheel. 

“Please leave me alone.”

“Look, I’m not talkin’ to you because I’m tryna be a creep. I wanted to know if y’wanted a ride home!” 

Delores shot him a look, but the price of that was having to unforunately bask in his stupid smile. “You were going to drive to Bed-Stuy?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“It’s a thirty-minute drive.” She snaps without raising her voice.

“Eh, old man Leo was right, car rides are best to think in.”

She shakes her head, “oh, please.” 

“Y’know…” Sal removed his foot from the pedal, “It’s supposed t’snow tonight. How long does the bus take t’come?” “...it varies.” 

“Why do you wanna take a chance freezing out there when it’s warm in here?” Now she was looking at him as if trying to solve a puzzle - one she was on the verge of understanding. It did not bother him. He remained chipper, in high-spirits: “c’mon!”

With a huff, Delores begrudgingly accepted he had a point. Her body may have been warm as she donned her coat, but that article was not enough to prevent the sting of her fingers or how cold her nose and cheeks were becoming. Salvatore was not bothered by this silence, she could tell from the way he continued smiling. Her eyes flickered, observing how his eyebrows were so thick and dark, just perfectly hanging over his equally dark squinted eyes. Some time ago, Delores came to the conclusion that brown eyes possessed a warmth that could not be found in icy blues. 

She felt a flutter in her abdomen. It was not anxiety - just a light, thrilled flutter. It was as if her body was telling her, take this adventure. You know Salvatore.  He was capable of violence and mischief, yes. But weren’t all men capable of heinous acts? 

She opened the door.  “Thank you…” she muttered while asking herself, why did she listen to her body? What could she and Winston’s friend possibly talk about during a thirty minute drive? 

“Why didja act like I was going to kidnap you?”

“Because you can’t trust men.”

“How long have you known me, Dolly? I forgot.”

“I don’t know you.” She could not control her tongue the moment she heard his question, “I could recognize your face in a crowd, but your face is the only way I know you. You’re my cousin’s friend, not mine.”

She watched Salvatore make a series of expressions. Surprised, bewildered - the nothing. Though she huffed, embarrassment washed over her. A nagging thought entered her head of how Salvatore would take his foot off the pedal, halting the car once more and tell her to wait for the bus. Not all men are lecherous, she tells herself. Her personal bad experiences did not have a chance of being repeated time after time. Again, she told herself she knew this man she was now sitting beside. It was why she was in here.

“I wouldn’t do anything to you.” Finally, he speaks. Gentle, not offended. For that Delores feels relief.

“I know.” She wants to possess the same tone, “I was just saying that as a woman I have to be careful.” 

“Wanna know somebody you shouldn’t ever accept a ride home from?”

“Who?”

“Mikey Amuso!”

“What’s so bad about him?”

“Well, not only did he kill his brother - I mean, supposedly firin’ a gun at his head - but he’s been using the same tactics to pick up girls since 8th grade!”

“What are those tactics?” Fingers gently rub against the smooth leather of her purse. 

“I can’t say, Dolly!”

She squints, concerned. “...they’re that bad?”

“I want you to think of a guy who’s only consumed with gaining one thing no matter what. No matter how dumb or crazy it sounds. That’s Mikey.”

“Oh.”

“You think I’m that bad, Dolly?”

“No -” did she make him sound that bad? “I’ve seen the way you treat Naomi. Some men can’t be trusted with children - but you’re sweet to her. She thinks you’re her uncle...”

“I’m her white uncle!” When Sal beams with pride, Delores holds back her smile. “But no, really, I love that kid. I hope things get straightened out with her ma and Winston soon. I don’t think kids need t’grow up without their mothers in the picture.”

Suddenly, it was as if Salvatore had the key and unlocked something in her: she wants to talk about her past. She wants to talk about women who had to be her maternal figures, but in reality were incapable of having the same warmth and love as a mother. What she says? “...I don’t think so, too.” Her stomach growled, she shifted in shame.

“You hungry?” How she hoped Salvatore didn’t hear her body confess its desire for a warm meal. 

“No.” How she could not believe her body betrayed her twice in one night.

“C’mon Dolly, what’re you bein’ shy for?”

“I'm not shy.” There she goes, Sal thinks, with that mighty tilt of her chin. “I can wait until I get home. That’s all.”

“Okay, so I’m supposed to drive a starving woman directly from Bensonhurst to Bed-Stuy?”

The thought of eating was appealing. However, caught in a mentality that belonged to her sixteen year old self: Delores labeled such an outing as forbidden. There was no one to scold her for arriving home perhaps twenty minutes late - additionally, there was no chance her grandfather’s ghost would appear to chastise her, calling her all sorts of vile, wretched names. But, Delores abruptly considered that maybe it was not a fear of doing the unusual that kept her in a rejective state. 

Perhaps it was that crush on Salvatore she had as a mere girl, resurfacing once more. Yes, with more thought she could not deny it felt like the old crush that manifested itself as fear and intimidation was reintroducing itself tonight. As a result, Delores was caught between the frightening idea of being alone with him and caught in the throes of excitement at the very matter he was willing to do something so kind.

“I’m fine,” still ever the lady, she says this. 

“Dolly, it’ll be my treat. If you wanna pay me back you can um...tell Leo to be nicer to me! Remind him that I’m the best Boxer in that place and he should give respect to my local contributions to the community!”

Delores wants to smile. She wants to smile and giggle at how seriously Sal took this idea. Not only that, but the idea of  Mr. Impellizzeri being genuinely mindful and kind was laughable on its own. Trying to have control of whether the corners of her lips upturned or not, Delores presses her thighs close together. What she does allow is for her voice to hold clear charm: “I can do that for you, Sal.”

“You can!?”

A laugh nearly tumbles out of her lips. Sheepish, she gazes out the window. Observing all the bypassing buildings, counting each streetlight that guides them, “I can!” 

Delores wasn’t sure if it was because Salvatore was Italian, or if she (despite her life and its teachings) was a child at heart. But, rolling through her mind was the thought of two dogs sharing a spaghetti kiss. Salvatore was rough, yet good-natured like Tramp. Delores - focused on the cold wind hitting at her neck and the stinging her ears instead of directly associating herself with a prim and proper cocker spaniel. 

It was no restaurant Sal parked at, or a building that looked particularly Italian with neither name nor color scheme. It was what Delores deemed ‘American.’ An all-American diner. 

“Ever been here before?”

“I’ve seen it,” when going to work, she does not add. For some reason this made Sal cackle.

“You’ve seen it?” 

She brings her lips out into a pout. One small and subtle, undermined with her investigative gaze, but it was a pout all the same.  “Yes…” What had been so funny to reduce Salvatore to fits of laughter?

“Hey Sal,” when a unibrowed man greets him with the casual lift of his hand, Delores wondered how often Sal came here. It must have been frequently. 

“Hey, got a free table?”

“What? You’re too good to sit at the bar tonight? What’s goin’ on with you?”

“Nothin’s goin’ on with me! What’s goin’ on with you?”

As the two men bantered on, Delores found herself thoughtlessly holding her hands together. Never had she sat in an all-night diner before. She thinks of a painting - Nighthawks, where three customers sat at the desolate bar in the night. Granted, there was a surprising amount of people here, but the structure of the building was still the same in her eyes.  

Delores snapped out of her thoughts, managing to catch how Sal wagged his finger for her to come and follow him.

“Hold it.” The same man who spoke to Sal outstretched his hand. For Salvatore, it was a greeting, for Delores it was break to stop. “I gotta seat you first.”

“No Adriano, she’s with me.” Sal swiftly says. 

Delores caught how the realization settled on the busboy’s face before his apology came. She only brought herself to nod, following behind Salvatore feeling more glum than she cared to admit. It was not as though they were actually on a date, she thought. Sobered from her fleeting infatuation, Delores even became keenly aware the two of them hardly looked like they came from the same area. Salvatore had the privilege of being unphased, she assumed. Watching as he slid into the booth as if he had done so a million times. Delores, meanwhile moved almost refined. Poised.

“Get whatever you want,” he says, “as much as you want.”

“What are you getting?”

“What am I getting?” He repeats, with soft (mocking) surprise. “I’m getting a hamburger.”

“Oh…”

Was she disappointed? “We can go somewhere else if y’don’t like what you see,” unmoved, he briskly rose and lowered his shoulders.

“Salvatore.” Then, she looked at him. Not in a serious way, instead it was almost as if she was pleading in desperation. Saying with her eyes, ‘please, stop being so kind to me, you’ve done enough tonight.’ And if he continued on, she would what? Burst from his gestures?“We don’t have to do that...”

“Well,” he spins the ketchup bottle, “whaddya want to eat?” 

Did she ever make her own decisions? Salvatore wondered as she grew even more flushed, clearly overwhelmed. Ironically, it made Salvatore want to rattle off with listing some of the best meals this place had to offer. The idea maybe she had never eaten in front of a man - or, that there could have existed invisible rules of what one could and could not eat when among a man, never crossed his mind.

“I would like steak…”

“I think I want steak too!”

With a nod, she let her teeth rest against her bottom lip. As if there were nothing better to do, she looked to the window. Promised snow had yet to come. If one did not look outside - their eyes truly trained on the atmosphere, then they would have missed the how specks of white fell from the dark sky. 

Delores had a ribeye steak, well done. She also took a salad. Salvatore wanted what she was having, minus the salad. Instead, he treated himself to golden fries that had both plenty of crunch and salt. As time passed, Delores would find herself relieved at how Sal knew how to keep the conversation going. Between telling the waiter - Adriano, their desired meals, and awaiting them, he talked and talked and talked. His demeanor remained comfortable enough to bring herself to speak and contribute to the conversation.

“--I think you know more Italian than me, Dolly.”

“No I don’t,” toying with her tomato, she had far too much humility to even playfully accept her grasp on the language may have been superior. “It’s only a handful of phrases.”

“Look, y’just told me you was roommates with some Italian girl at your High School, and that y’even spent a weekend with her family! Then, you grew up around Giovanni - and y’even work Leo now! You know more than you think y’do!” 

Bashful, honest, she shakes her head. “I don’t even get the chance to speak it,” she insists, “I just listen, and I make connections.” 

“Well, y’know more than me-” when she shoots a stern gaze, he takes back his words: “-the same as I do.” He took back his words, somewhat. “Let me list off some words and you can tell me if you know ‘em or not - and don’t lie Dolly, be honest.”

“I will!”

“Okay…” he thinks, “Orrioppo!”

“Move faster?”

Hurry up was correct, but. He would not hold it against her. “Yeah, that’s right. Uh, Goombah!”

“Man.” Leone had used it when approaching other males, Granddaddy also used it - though with sneers. Due to this, Delores could not help but believe it was derogatory as a little girl. For all she knows, it still may be.

“Wazza mara you?”

“Hm?”

“I said, Wazza mara you?”

“I-I don’t understand.”

“Dolly! What’s the matter with you?”

“Oh…” she got it, finally. “Oh!” 

He thought that what Delores would do upon realizing was smile, all hesitant and mousy. Or she would shake her head at him, he noticed enjoyed doing that. What happened was unexpected: Delores was laughing. But it was not free, no, within the seconds she realized it would not stop, she brought up her hand to stifle herself. 

“Hey! What’re you doin’ that for?”

She looked unable to understand, “what am I doing?” 

“Coverin’ your face! You have a pretty smile. What do you wanna hide it for?”

“I…” surely, if she had anything in her mouth she would have choked. “...I just don’t want to disrupt anyone…” “Who cares about them?” His apathetic shrug left her breathless. “Huh? Who cares!” She felt the need to avert her eyes as his smile grew.  He lifted his hand, having not one, but two fingers pointed at her, “that’s the first time I’ve ever seen you smile. Ever. In my life.”

 She could not think of any appropriate way to reply. ‘I’ll smile more?,’ ‘I’m happy you think my smile is nice?’ there was just no way to do it without making some sort of mistake. Thus, as her last resort, Delores looked to the window only to grow surprised. Snow, plenty of snow was falling across Bensonhurst, “Oh look, Salvatore!” 

Sal vah tore! His name sounded different when she was surprised, “it’s snowing!” 

Though he lifted his heavy eyebrows, it did not interest him. He was grateful for the amount of faces he got her to make tonight, even if they were not from toe curling pleasure. The taboo nature of her remained lost on him, however he was willing to create more moments like this. All to get inside her, figure out what she was about when domineering men were not around. 

Winston was going to be pissed. But he could not have thrown their whole friendship away. Salvatore figures it could have been worse for Winston: his cousin could be getting courted by a stranger. A greedy guy like Dino.

“Yeah!” He says for her, “it’s a November miracle!” 

[squidproquoclarice]

I don't suppose you'd be willing to write that meta about Arthur growing into his role as Hosea's son through the game, would you?

Round 2, FIGHT (dings bell).   Here’s Part II of the Hosea+Arthur meta. 

NB:  Arthur for me will always be written and meta’d as High Honor/Help John Escape pathway unless I’m noting a specific difference between pathways (like with discussing Sadie’s High vs Low Honor dialogue at Hanging Dog), which I suspect is the interpretation most of us take anyway.  It’s probably the “canon” Arthur given that most post-game sequel media or novelizations for these kind of games with moral choice tend to establish the most honorable/optimal position as canon (i.e., Dishonored, Dishonored 2, Assassins Creed Odyssey, etc.) and honestly, it’s usually the one that makes the most sense with the hero’s journey anyway.  So actions, opinions, etc. that I discuss have and will tend towards that version.  Anyway, on with the show. All right, so we’re focusing mostly after Hosea’s unfortunate demise now.  But let’s briefly rewind to some camp dynamics from earlier.  Hosea is physically limited by his long-term pulmonary illness–not TB, that’s a little too on the nose.  Possibly lung cancer, but I suspect it’s some kind of chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder (COPD) from any number of factors, and maybe flared up into bronchitis to boot due to the stress and physical strain of the flight from Blackwater, especially up into the snows.  He’s struggling to breathe somewhat, but it’s not quite in dire straits.  He’s physically limited by this, and by his age (mid-50s), so he’s doing a few jobs, some fishing for the camp larder, but he can’t do out on rough and rugged jobs.  So Hosea’s become more of a camp caretaker, and Arthur’s extremely defensive of Hosea on that score of “he’s earned it” (whereas if you do Antagonize on Dutch, one of them is that he’ll point out that “we all see you and Hosea reading”, and that while Hosea has some reason, Dutch sitting on his ass reading books while telling everyone else to get out there and work looks bad.)  Look, you want Dutch for the rousing speeches, no question.  His Colter speech is pretty damn impressive.  But in between those occasional dramatic inspiratory moments, and very loud public validations from Dutch that are almost creepy in how over the top and cult-affirming they are, you notice it’s Hosea going around the camp doing the day-to-day small jobs, helping Susan keep things in line, helping teach people things, helping try to keep morale up, helping the effort of getting people to see what’s in store “ain’t nothing nice”.

You know who else is doing regular upkeep on camp morale?  Arthur.  He’s the workhorse out hunting, donating, doing chores, going around doing the Greet thing and checking in on people, playing games with them, fulfilling small item requests to make their lives a little easier and happier.  He’s definitely leaning far more toward Hosea’s path of quieter small regular acts and check-ins of showing love and concern rather than Dutch’s big flamboyant moments.You also notice Hosea and Dutch starting to argue repeatedly in Chapters 2-4, with Hosea urging caution, asking Dutch what the actual plan is here, and essentially trying his best to pull this wagon out of the cesspit, or at least let it sink more slowly.

Skip to Lakay at the end of Chapter 5, and Chapter 6.  Hosea’s dead, and with him, the last significant check on Dutch’s increasing paranoia and violence.  Arthur’s found out his TB diagnosis, and he’s profoundly disturbed by the things he saw Dutch do in Guarma, and things it’s making him look back on now.  He’s questioning a lot about what’s important, what kind of man he wants to be, and what he wants to do with the presumably limited time he has.  And he does his damndest to step into Hosea’s shoes.  This is a man who’s obeyed Dutch for his entire adolescence and adulthood, who holds him in a sort of fearful and reverential awe–Hosea might have been his father, but no question Dutch was his god.  Arthur in Chapter 1 would only tentatively question the plan to go hit the O’Driscolls with a quiet “You sure about this?  Folk been through a lot recently, we’re hardly back on our feet yet,” and then when Dutch challenges him with “I know you doubt me”, he anxiously has to reaffirm “I would never doubt you”.  In Lakay he really starts standing his ground.  Hard.  And you can tell this shocks Dutch, because he’s come to expect Arthur’s almost immediate deference, not snarky callouts about how he’s not concerned with figurative games of chess when actual lives are on the line.  It’s interesting and very telling to note that at that first firm challenge, Dutch’s instinctive response is to say, “You sound like Hosea.” And he does.   He’s increasingly choosing non-violence, to talk his way out of things rather than fight.  He’s become a skilled survivalist over the past months, much like Hosea was.  He’s slowly dying–much like Hosea was.  He’s making his peace with that. But he’s going to give the best of himself, and what strength he has, towards trying to keep people’s spirits up where he can, safeguarding their interests against Dutch’s high-flown pipe dreams by countering with a hard dose of reality, and getting who he can off this slow-moving trainwreck.

He keeps trying, over and over, to pull the reins on Dutch and talk some sense.  And the pity is that Dutch is too far gone, and the father/son dynamic, and Arthur’s belief in the best in the people he loves, is too ingrained for Arthur to just aggressively say “screw it” and overthrow Dutch, or for Dutch to be able to accept Arthur as a new Hosea, offering the pragmatic realism that made Dutch’s lofty ideals and ambitions work for two decades.  It’s never going to happen.  It deteriorates to the point of Dutch sneering at him with “Oh, Arthur needs to rest” and getting furious at “He insists” that the women and Jack be let go before this all goes completely to hell.  It’s telling at that point too that Arthur specifically cites “letting them go”, as if he’s finally realized that they are effectively captives in this cult.  Arthur’s there to stand up to Dutch, try to save lives, and avoid pointless bloodshed.  You sound like Hosea.  Damn right he does.  And I suspect in any situation where he survived, Arthur at 55 would likely resemble Hosea in demeanor even more, having made those choices.

[killian-whump]

10, 19 and 34 for the asks :)

Sorry for the slight delay, Nonny… but I’m remarkably lazy and I had to scroll back, like, two whole pages on my blog to see what the questions were for those numbers and the fact that I literally put it off multiple times because that seemed like soooo much work should probably answer a lot of questions people have about me, like why I don’t post more stories or do more liveblog responses to things or even finish any of the projects I start or some days make it out of bed at all. At any rate…

10. Name one character you would love to see/read whump of but can’t find any.Oh, daaaaaaaaaaaaayum, that’s a good question. Generally speaking, if I really wanna whump somebody and there isn’t any whump of ‘em… I just write some for myself. So I’m gonna take that out of the equation for my answer to this, because otherwise there wouldn’t be anybody XD

That said, I was dismayed at the veritable lack of whump for Sesshoumaru in Inuyasha. He gets super hardcore blasted by Inuyasha at one point (it’s when he meets Rin) and he sort of lays in the grass and recuperates, but… eh. It did nothing for me, really. He also lost an arm early on in the series, but it was really more like a “Yo, your arm’s gone.” “Meh. They’re like kidneys. You only need one.” “That’s… not true at all, but okay?” and that was about it.

But usually, for me… It goes the opposite way around when it comes to me picking favorite characters. Like, if they have a good enough whump scene somewhere… LOOK AT MY NEW FAVORITE, EVERYBODY! And absolutely no one is even polite enough to act surprised. It’s terrible.

I will say that I spent a LOT of my teens and twenties lusting after musicians and rock stars, and that was kinda a weird time for me. Sometimes, I’d be lucky and they’d have done a video or photo shoot that involved some peril or bondage… but usually not. I did write a lot of RPF then, but I never shared it with anybody XD Hey, a girl can have terribly inappropriate dreams, can’t she?! (The correct answer there is YES, of course she can, with the strikeout or without it ;))

The worst for me was my obsession with Oasis. I loved them SOOOO hardcore and there was just… nothing. I mean, the ugly band member who got kicked out before I even got interested in them got buried in one of their early videos, but that was no good. Noel and Liam did ONE photo shoot sometime early on where their wrists were tied with some comically large blue rope and I literally bought a $10 magazine imported from Japan just to get my own copy of the pictures (this was before every picture ever made of every celebrity was just a click away online). That’s probably the most desperate I’ve ever been XD

Oh, another not-quite-the-answer-but-sort-of-the-answer would be Lorenzo Lamas in the 90s TV show Renegade. Check out that HIGH GRADE 90s era schlock right there. Action! Drama! Random Hot Chick! Fighting! Explosions! Hot Man Pouring Water Over Himself in Scorching Desert Heat! Wait, what? I loved this show, because it was basically just eye candy for women and that’s always nice. And it seemed like Reno Raines ended up tied up or injured in almost every show, to the point that young KW was pretty sure someone working on that program knew exactly what they were doing. At any rate, it seems like there’s about 10 copies of this show on DVD in existence and the rest are all figments of our imaginations, so there’s only some clips in the same potato quality as that opening sequence I linked to, so while I know the whump exists and I’ve seen it and it’s great and I wanna relive it… I can’t T_T

But seriously… TELL me you don’t wanna see this get whumped:

19. If you were a character in a whump scene, would you be the caretaker, the whumper, or the whumpee?Well, if I could only be ONE, I’d be the caretaker. *smooshes all the whumpees to her bosom* MY BABIES and the caretaker. I have role-played some scenes as a whumpee, but it’s not really something I’m comfortable with in a general sense. That said, I tend to write a lot of whump scenes from the POV of the whumpee, but that’s mostly because it makes more sense that way, seeing as how the whumpee is usually the main character and the villain is someone I made up five minutes ago and named Bob, because it was the first thing that came to my mind. Also, exploring the scene through the whumpee’s point of view allows me to enjoy all their pain and peril even more voraciously. From the whumpee’s POV, you can share details about how hopeless they feel and how their heart is aching to see their beloved one more time before they die in this hell and how every breath is agony… Whereas the POV of the whumper generally amounts to, “He looks so pretty covered in blood. Wait a minute. What if… there was even more of it?! I’M SUCH A GENIUS. Come here, cutie-pa-tootie…. Why is he running away?!” and you can just as easily have them SAY that TO the whumpee whilst simultaneously detailing the shudders running down the whumpee’s spine at hearing those words and knowing the hell they’re in for… *content sigh*

34. Screaming in pain or crying and whimpering?I answered this one already, actually… but I’ll do it again :) I almost always prefer crying and whimpering! Screams are such short-lived little things, aren’t they? But crying and whimpering… Well, that’s a lifestyle choice ;)

You Guys Can Ask Me Whump Questions If You Want

I won’t have to scroll back as far if you do, because the link is here now :D

[everydayanth]

Disaster-Movie Children -_-

Let’s talk about them! And why do they suck?

I was watching the new Netflix movie Extinction because the basic plot that I got from the trailer seemed interesting - in an attempt to balance strained family relationships, a hard-working man ignores his PTSD-nightmares about a trauma that hasn’t happened yet, but then it does. 

Kind of like Arrival, these alien-invasion/mixed-timeline disaster movies often utilize extremely controversial anthropological theories to base the “problem” part of the story on, so I tend to hate them, but find myself watching them to reanalyze my understanding of the debates being tossed around in academia.

Like Arrival’s use of linguistic determinism and application to the classic sci-fi invasion plot. (Currently available on Amazon Prime if you wanna talk about it with me ;P)

Anyway, no spoilers, but I got real fed up with the children in Extinction right quick. I’m at 40:02 and I hate them. They are just so conventionally unrealistic. And this frustration got me thinking about a bunch of things - does how we portray our children in disaster movies reflect what we think about them? Are there common themes that can be gathered from the child-representation from many movies? I don’t watch enough to feel confident in this, but, from the few I have seen: obnoxiously unable to cope, devoid of instinct or rationale, and unadaptably stupid all come to mind, along with lacking a personality beyond being the “innocence” the protagonist attempts to save or protect - the children are almost always McGuffins, ugh. 

These questions reminded me of a post-grad dissertation I edited for an archaeology friend of mine way back in 2012, which was about progressivist psychology and expectations of modern archaeologist that has created an astonishingly false narrative of the human past by ignoring or, more commonly, accidentally overlooking the archaeological contributions of women and children. That is to say that artifacts were regularly attributed to adult males without any evidence for or against such an assumption (buttons, teeth, socks, calendars, etc.) and she was using some applications of modern psychology in an attempt to address why that is (progressivism and lack of diversity/culture-training of archaeologists), as well as how to implement teaching tools and techniques to minimize these false assumptions. 

But here we are in 2018, still portraying children as lacking anything resembling a personhood, existing for the sole purpose of parental struggle. Is this a reflection of society or just a bad film? 

I love the Norwegian disaster film The Wave, it’s one of my favourites. The characters are generally all somewhat rounded with at least more than one dimension, the mother is struggling to survive as much as the father - he is no saviour here, he is more of the helper, an equal partner in the survival of the family unit, and so are the children! We see peripheral characters come together to help one another, and death to some of the side characters that do or don’t matter (and also I’m learning Norwegian and the dialogue was simple enough to follow, if it was in my native language, I doubt I’d find it as stimulating lol). 

Extinction, so far (still at the 40:00), has shown a few of these somewhat balancing traits - the father fights off the alien, but the mother saves him by killing it (not important, really), the mom protects one child while the fathers go off to find another - and we don’t see competition between them, but cooperation, which is a nice switch-up, but the kids are so freakin’ dumb that their mother is relegated to herding them constantly. The mothers in disaster movies have been taking more of a part in the survival of the family unit, but are quickly distracted by unreasonable children while the father saves the day, we also see this in the recent film No Escape, which has a whole slew of other problems I don’t have time to get into (side note: why is the dumb kid always a Lucy? Is this some inverted Narnia shit or what?).

The problem with the portrayal of dumb children in disaster movies (beyond the unfair reduction of a person to a plot device), is that it reduces the caretaker’s role to mitigating impending disaster. That caretaker, who is almost always the female or the mother in American films (yeah, they’re different, sometimes the mother is a horrible person who dies and our like, totally awesome white female protagonist adopts the neglected child, but there was diversity, so... that one’s Ocean’s Rising if you wanna have a look, also, I’m starting to think I have much more experience with disaster movies that I realized, I’d like to thank the rise of teen-dystopians in the early 00′s) is put in constant position of guarding the briefcase, just in this case, it’s a child. Perhaps I’m only watching the bad movies because I’m a chicken and the good ones freak me out, but South Korea has given us Train to Busan and The Flu with male caretakers, and they were both incredible!

In our American films, however, it seems the mom/female caretaker is rarely contributing to the overall survival of the group, she’s the emotional support to the male, sure, but she’s not coming up with solutions and working out the best plan, nah, that’s a man’s job, because she has to make up for her stupid kids’ mistakes or lack of cooperation. Whoever made this movie has never seen a child in crisis, they are so resilient and capable of adaption. Journey to the Center of the Earth may be an off-genre comparison, but one of my favourite things is that the kid, Sean, gets separated and totally gets himself closer to where he needs to be, the female lead, Hannah, has a moment with Brendan Fraser, but he needs to go after the kid, and she’s not going to die waiting for them, so they go opposite ways, and if they hadn’t, we are lead to assume they’d be dead, this is further emphasized in the film by their initial counting of who saved whom and end decision on it not mattering, which may be an allusion to relationships, or else to the male-saviour trope. In the end, it’s Sean who ultimately “saves” them after they’re out of mortal peril, with his wisely-collected bag of gemstones. He had agency in the film, and while it’s not the most correlated example and probably a bit of a fallacy, I just want to know why disaster-movie kids are so... bad. 

There are hundreds of theories that could be applied to Extinction’s portrayal of children in a pop-culture-disaster film (though it only has a 5.8/10 on IMDB and a 4/10 on Rotten Tomatoes, so can it even be considered as a representation?), from portrayal of gender roles (especially given the 50s/60s influence on fashion and society portrayed cinematically, like it was trying to be an updated 1984), to the insinuation of childhood, to the paternalism of the adults, or even the lack of identity/agency of the children. Were all the girls meant to be interchangeable? Why is it never a little boy? Are they not innocent enough to protect? *sigh*

But ultimately, my purpose in writing this post, beyond the fun of applying anthropology theories to films and finding that they often cherry-pick on the bad ones (lookin’ at you Mermaids by Animal Planet and your Water-Ape nonsense), was really to point out that when I got frustrated enough to google “why are movie kids so dumb,” Extinction was the first result, and I had a good laugh and then checked my anthropology at the door, because clearly not enough people thought this film a good enough representation of culture to interpret any further meaning from it. 

And that was my lesson for today - not everything is bad anthropology, sometimes it’s just bad art. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ 

Or is there no such thing as bad art...? 😱😲😧😬🙄

[jessicalynnhepner]

Chapter 5—Breaking the Cycle: The Substance-Dependent Client as Parent/Caregiver

Many adults with substance abuse disorders were abused or neglected during childhood. Although most do not abuse their own children, they are at increased risk of doing so (Kaufman and Zigler, 1987). When children who are victims of maltreatment become adults, they tend to repeat a dysfunctional cycle and often lack mature characteristics: the ability to trust, to make healthy partner choices, to manage stress constructively, and to nurture themselves and others (Magura and Laudet, 1996). In addition, substance-abusing women report higher rates of childhood sexual abuse than non-substance-abusing women, and these women report increased episodes of abuse from their adult partners as well. Domestic violence is a reality in many of these families (Browne and Finkelhor, 1986; CSAT, 1997b; Ryan and Popour, 1983). Research shows that childhood maltreatment has developmental, behavioral, and emotional consequences that continue into adolescence and adulthood. Researchers are now examining childhood abuse and neglect as an indicator of the potential for substance abuse (Feig, 1998; Felitti et al., 1998; Whitfield, 1998). For example, one study (Felitti et al., 1998) found that medical patients with adverse childhood experiences (i.e., traumas) had a higher incidence of health disorders, including problems with alcohol (7.4 times that of control patients) and problems with illicit substance use (from 4.7 to 10.3 times that of the controls).

Sheridan proposes a model of intergenerational substance abuse, family functioning, and abuse and neglect that reflects both the direct and indirect relationship between parental substance abuse and family dynamics, child and adult maltreatment, and second-generation substance abuse. She indicates that unless effective intervention occurs, there is an increased likelihood that these patterns will be repeated in the next generation ( Sheridan, 1995). Parental substance abuse presents not only a risk for intergenerational transmission of substance abuse disorders but also substantial risk for repetition of problematic parent-child interactions, including abuse and neglect (McMahon and Luthar, 1998). These studies indicate increased risk factors, and counselors should not assume that their clients with histories of child abuse are mistreating their own children. The family system may function well enough when stress is low. Substance-abusing parents are already severely hindered in their ability to provide a safe and nurturing home to their children (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services [DHHS], 1999); increased stressors such as loss of jobs, poverty, and illness will only exacerbate the situation.

Go to: Who Abuses and Why Nearly one fourth of physical abuse and more than half of sexual abuse of children occur at the hands of adults who are not the victims' birth parents. They may be other relatives, caregivers, or partners. The likelihood of this kind of abuse is far greater when parents are using substances and, consequently, cannot provide adequate care for and supervision of their children (Reid et al., 1999). However, because most child abuse occurs within families, the discussion here will focus on parents. Providers should also note that most child sexual abuse is committed by males (Finkelhor, 1994).Research on parenting styles and attitudes of abusing parents indicates several distinct characteristics shared by parents who abuse their children. These include seeing child rearing as difficult and not enjoyable, using more controlling disciplinary techniques, not encouraging the development of autonomy in children while maintaining high standards of achievement, and promoting an isolated lifestyle for themselves and their children (Briere and Elliott, 1994). Observational studies indicate that abusing parents are less supportive, affectionate, playful, and responsive to their children and are more controlling, interfering, and hostile; they have fewer pleasant interactions with their children (Magura and Laudet, 1996). Abusive parents tend to "parentify" their children, expecting them to take on the role of caretaker. Because they do not have sufficient knowledge of child development, their expectations of their children's behavior are often too high, leading them to adopt inappropriate disciplinary practices (Wegsheider, 1981). In fact, most abusing parents do not help their children adapt to the major developmental tasks, such as regulating their sleep habits, preparing them to separate from their parents, enabling them to explore their environment safely and with appropriate limits, and making choices and becoming more independent (Levy and Rutter, 1992; Mayes et al., 1997; Rodning et al., 1989). Nor do these families successfully resolve issues of attachment, emotional regulation, autonomy, peer competence, or school and work competence (Cicchetti and Lynch, 1993).Damaged Parents: An Anatomy of Child Neglect (Polansky et al., 1981) summarizes the characteristics of abusing parents identified by researchers in several different studies: The prevalence of poverty, substance dependence, mental illness, and large numbers of children per family Feelings of inadequacy and self-reproach, often related to early negative experiences Depression, difficulty putting sadness and needs into words, and anxiety discharged into activity Serious arrest in development, a sense of incompleteness resulting from a failure to internalize a separate identity (manifested by clinging to children), the presence of other abusive and unfulfilling relationships, and an inability to tolerate being alone A fear of taking responsibility and making decisions Severe difficulties in verbal communication Difficulty in seeking or obtaining pleasure Extreme narcissism, gross immaturity, dependency, and an impaired ability to empathize with a child's needs The Polansky study cautions against overgeneralizing neglectful or abusive parents. Also, it is important to remember that poverty may be a common characteristic because poorer parents are more likely than affluent parents to be involved in public systems, which are mandated to report abuse cases. (Affluent parents tend to access private systems in which reporting is not required.) Nonetheless, the development failures above can signal to a counselor both a potential risk for child abuse and the possible effects of maltreatment in a parent's past.At the same time, certain resiliency factors have helped many children avoid the cycle of abuse. These include being able to fantasize about another

time or place, being able to read and learn about a better time and place, realizing that they are not responsible for the abuse directed at them, and having an adult in their life for a considerable period of time who sees them in a positive way. Resiliencies can be grouped in the following seven categories (Wolin and Wolin, 1995): Insight begins with a sense that life in the troubled family is strange. Such insight can eventually protect the child from a tendency to internalize family troubles and feel guilty. Independence is the child separating herself from the troubled family. Relationships fulfill needs that troubled families cannot meet. Initiative is the desire to overcome feelings of helplessness that a child can succumb to in the troubled family. Creativity is the ability to take pain and transform it into something artistic and worthwhile. Humor allows the child to make the tragic into something comic and laugh at his emotional suffering. Morality is developing a set of principles that differentiates bad from good both inside and outside the family. Traditional models of parenting may serve as a useful context for understanding how a client views his own parents and the implications for repeating their behavior. The three major types of parenting styles have been described as authoritative, permissive, and authoritarian (Baumrind, 1971). The authoritative parent maintains reasonably close supervision, sets consistent standards, and keeps track of children without being overly directive. A permissive parent allows children to do as they please and sets few limits or guidelines, which may result in safety problems; this is often a neglectful parent. The authoritarian parent is directive and rigid and relies on punishment as a major disciplinary method; within this model, this is often an abusive parent. However, parents typically combine these styles when interacting with their children, and the effectiveness of the approach used depends largely on the family's culture, community, and environment.Paradigms from developmental literature can also be useful in understanding the effects of environmental disturbances on the maltreated child. Belsky's ecological model, for example, contains four levels of analysis: (1) individual development, (2) family systems, (3) community, and (4) culture, all of which interact with each other and influence whether or not maltreatment will take place (Belsky, 1993). As this model shows, alcohol and drug counselors must understand the broader context of the forces that influence clients and their families. In turn, the counselor can help clients sort through those forces--family, neighborhood, community, or culture--to gain a better understanding about what is and is not good within their environment. Causes and Context of Parental AbuseWhile most research has focused on repeat offenders, there is some knowledge and speculation about how certain dynamics and behaviors are integrated to shape an abusive personality. A common pattern of parent-child relationships is characterized by a high demand for the child to perform in order to gratify the parents and by the use of severe physical punishment to ensure the child's proper behavior (Pollock and Steele, 1972). Abusive parents also may be highly vulnerable to criticism, disinterest, or abandonment by their spouses or significant others, or to anything else that might reduce their already low self-esteem. These types of events produce a crisis of unmet needs in the parents who then expect the child to provide gratification. Unable to meet these parental expectations, the child is punished excessively (Pollock and Steele, 1972).This pattern of overly aggressive and demanding behavior is often rooted in the parent's own childhood. Many abusive parents report that they were raised in a similar way, and these

types of childhood experiences provide "lasting imprints" that are reflected in the way the adults feel about themselves and their children. More recently Dutton, in The Psychological Profile of the Batterer, has identified characteristics such as the presence of a "shaming father" and the need for children to be excessively mature as factors that contribute to the personality of the batterer (Dutton, 1995).

Go to: Role of the Counselor Alcohol and drug counselors can play an important role in helping to break the cycle of child abuse and neglect that often plagues their clients. Many times, parents who were victims of abuse or neglect as children express strong concern and anxiety about the possibility that their children may be abused. By working closely and empathically with a substance abuser, the counselor has the opportunity to break the cycle.To help determine whether a substance-dependent client is at risk for child abuse, the treatment providers should become familiar with the client's childhood--her parents' style of child rearing, family dynamics, possible traumas, and other events that may serve as a predictor for child abuse or neglect. At the same time, the counselor also needs to learn about the client's current family life, particularly parenting behaviors that provide some clues as to whether the client's children are at risk.This information--along with the counselor's awareness of a broad range of parenting situations, cultural backgrounds, systems, social supports, and treatment options--will enable the counselor to better assist clients and their children. Although counselors can play an important role in breaking the cycle of child abuse and neglect, they cannot do this alone. They are only one part of the continuum of care that is needed to break this cycle. For this reason, treatment providers will need to reach out and work with child welfare systems, school systems, child guidance clinics, health care providers, and others so that parents who abuse substances get the help they need and do not abuse or neglect their own children.While women with substance abuse disorders have often been the focus of interventions, breaking the cycle of child abuse and neglect also means including fathers who are at risk for neglecting or abusing their children, as well as significant others and family members who may share caretaking responsibilities. The recommendations offered in this section apply to all clients responsible for the welfare of children. Learning About the Client's ChildhoodA client's childhood can offer information that can be useful in understanding the nature of current family relationships. There are important issues that can be explored tactfully, without necessarily using specific psychology or health care vocabulary. Asking questions about these concerns in a respectful manner helps develop a good relationship between the client and counselor. Although a counselor cannot change the past, she can help the client find the strategies to improve her current situation and the strength to recover. Many of the questions that follow may be asked during assessment, but they can also be rephrased and asked again in treatment. These questions are merely guidelines that should be modified to fit the needs of each particular client. What do you know about the circumstances around your birth? What was your infancy or early childhood like? How did your parents describe you and those times? What was your relationship with your mother or father like? Tell me about any special times with them. Did anyone in your family (including aunts, uncles, cousins) use alcohol or drugs? Do you personally feel that they had an alcohol or drug problem? Did any family member ever undergo treatment for alcohol or drug use? Who raised you as a young child? Who was important to you when you were growing up? Did you have any serious medical problems when you were growing up? Were you ever in the hospital? How were you disciplined when you did something wrong? How did your mother, father, grandparent, or other caregivers reward you? Were your parents involved and interested in your life and activities? Did it feel like they knew what you needed and what was important to you? How did your parents show you their

attention, affection, and appreciation? (These questions will help to identify patterns of neglect.) As a child, did you like school? Were there any specific school issues regarding attendance, grades, or behavior? Did you graduate from high school? Did your family move a lot as a child? Did you go to several schools because of frequent moving? How well did you get along with your peers and teachers? What was the relationship between your parents like? Were they divorced or separated while you were growing up? Was there ever violence involved when they were upset with each other? How old were you when you started having sex? How many times have you become pregnant or impregnated someone else? How did you handle each pregnancy? Did you keep the child? Was a child protective services (CPS) agency ever involved in your life? Were you ever taken out of the home? Did you ever have a caseworker? Did anyone in your family ever have trouble with the police? Do you remember any particularly frightening experiences as a child? Did anyone in your family ever have an emotional problem, like depression? As a child, what did you do for fun? What do you do for fun now? Did you attend church regularly as a child? Did spirituality or faith play a significant role in some other way as you were growing up? How do you get along with your own children now? Could you describe any special times with them? These interviews should not be hurried. The counselor should make sure that the client is comfortable and that the meeting area is quiet and peaceful. Some questions or topics may need to be reserved for a later time when the counselor has developed a more trusting relationship with the client. (Besharov, in Recognizing Child Abuse: A Guide for the Concerned, provides guidelines for interviewing parents who are at risk or are suspected of maltreating their children that can be adapted by treatment providers [Besharov, 1990].) (See also DePanfilis and Salus, 1992.) Learning About the Client's Current Home LifeIn treating a client with children, the counselor will naturally learn how much of an impact parenting is having on the client's substance abuse. In the best of situations, parenting is stressful. For those whose own parents were not good models, it can be particularly difficult.Parents who abuse substances are not a homogeneous group. They have a range of experiences and a range of parenting skills (Howard, 1995; Tyler et al., 1997). Some of these parents have been abused and neglected during childhood. Others may not have been abused or neglected but have been raised by parents who did not have adequate parenting skills. Both groups have been exposed to poor models of parenting.Counselors are treating individuals with serious addictions that interfere with their normal daily activities and mental states. Taking illicit drugs requires parents to focus their energies on procurement. Parental priorities are not their focus; rather, the parents are focused on a need to care for themselves. Although the majority of these parents express feelings of caring and concern for their children, the addiction supersedes all other concerns. When under the influence of mind-altering drugs, such as cocaine and methamphetamine, parents are unable to foster whatever nurturing and sensitive parenting behaviors they may have.By having clients describe their current home life, the counselor can gain additional insights into their degree of risk for child abuse or neglect. Treatment providers should learn about clients' current supports (i.e., family, teachers, counselors), as well as whether they are having financial problems, living in substandard housing, or unable to pay rent or provide medical care for their children. Some specific questions that can be asked include the following: Who are the people or groups that give you

support? Do you have any special friends? Do you belong to a church, temple, or other religious or community organization? What type of social activities do you enjoy? How often? Have you been involved in the legal system? When? Have you ever been on probation? Who else lives with you at your home? Who else spends time there? Describe a typical week. What is your routine each day? On weekends? Describe your children's schedules. What do you do with them each day? On holidays? Are your children receiving ongoing medical care? Are their immunizations current? Through these and other questions, the counselor should get a sense of whether clients are at risk of neglecting or abusing their children. Socioeconomic and Cultural DifferencesIt is important that counselors not mistake class and cultural differences for child abuse or neglect. Many practitioners may not appreciate the limitations imposed by poverty and cannot distinguish between neglectful practices and those that are caused by lack of money and education. (Family problems of poverty may require referrals for cash assistance or concrete services for heat, clothing, or food.) For example, in some communities it is not uncommon for preteens to babysit infants. A seemingly disorganized house does not necessarily reflect uncaring parents. It is also important for counselors not to overreact to cases of social deprivation in poor families. While poverty may expose the parents to more risks for child abuse, most poor families do not abuse or neglect their children (

Go to: Clues That the Client May Be Endangering Children In certain treatment settings, such as day treatment centers with child-care services, the counselor may have the opportunity to meet the client's children. Such direct observation can be beneficial in several ways. First, the counselor can see firsthand how the client relates to his children: How does the client react to his children's behavior? How does he respond to his children's emotional needs? Do his children make eye contact with him? How does he respond to the children's crying? How does he praise and discipline his children? Are his expectations age-appropriate? With this information, the counselor can assess the client's parenting style. Some warning signs that these children are in danger of abuse may be obvious, such as a parent hitting a child. Other behavioral signs may include a child's yelling, screaming, not being able to sit still, flinching easily, or attaching indiscriminately to others. Regression to an earlier developmental stage is not uncommon. For example, a child who had been toilet trained or able to separate well from the parent may suddenly be wetting her pants or clinging to her parent. The counselor should be mindful, however, that these behaviors might indicate developmental problems, such as attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Whatever the case, the child should be referred to a health professional.The counselor will also have an opportunity to check for any signs that could result from physical abuse or neglect. The counselor can see if the children are underweight for their age or if they are unkempt. The counselor can observe whether the child has any exposed bruises, cuts, or obvious fractures. The counselor can then ask the client to explain why the child is underweight or injured. If the client's explanation is suspicious and the story does not fit the child's physical status or injury, then the counselor would have cause to report this to a CPS agency (see Chapter 6).In most treatment settings the counselor does not have the opportunity to meet the client's children. Over time, however, the counselor will learn more and more about the client. In an unguarded moment, the client may begin describing parenting behavior that is not appropriate. The client may also share something in group or via writing exercises. Figure 5-1 lists some examples of poor parenting behavior that could lead to child abuse or neglect. 📷 BoxFigure 5-1: Behavioral Clues That Suggest Possible Child Abuse or Neglect. Name calling, verbal abuse, negative or belittling labeling of the child Stories that suggest children are living in unsafe conditions (e.g., spoiled food, (more...)In situations where poor parenting is indicated but the client does not appear to be abusing or consciously neglecting the child, the treatment provider will need to direct the client toward those agencies and services that can help her become a better parent. At the same time, the counselor can talk about and reinforce good parenting practices.

Go to: Incorporating Treatment Strategies for Child Abusers Breaking the cycle of abusive parenting means understanding the background of the parent within the context of the family, neighborhood, and culture. When parents who abuse substances recall their own childhood, they often report deprivation in many areas--emotional, social, physical, and economic. If these parents recall histories of severe neglect or abuse during childhood and adolescence, the counselor can assume that most have missed out on opportunities to form healthy, trusting relationships with their caregivers and have not experienced a model of parenting that included a consistent, nurturing environment with appropriate roles and boundaries. The first thing substance-abusing parents typically need to focus on is how to build positive relationships with their children. Because many clients' parenting skills and styles reflect what they have experienced, they will be at an increased risk of parenting inappropriately, and some within this group will abuse or neglect their children. Most of these parents want to do the best for their kids--they just don't know how. Therapists should support their clients' desire to become better parents and assist them in identifying parenting support programs.Just as counselors can expect that substance-abusing parents often will deny their substance abuse, they can also expect parents to deny neglecting or abusing their children. The challenge for the counselor is to help parents understand that their parenting behaviors may not be appropriate and that these behaviors can negatively influence their children's future development, especially their ability to trust others and to develop self-esteem and pride about their lives. When parents lack a reference point--that is, good parenting models--they will need help in Recognizing the importance of appropriate parenting behaviors Seeking help to become better parents Identifying others who can support them over time as they parent their growing children Understanding how current abuse of substances affects responsible parenting At the same time, the counselor must not forget to articulate the positive aspects of the clients' experiences. Focusing on the negative or risk factors only results in shame and futility and is counterproductive. Increasing clients' self-esteem and self-efficacy (their effectiveness and ability to take responsibility) is a primary step to their understanding of the child-rearing role. Thus, it is important for the counselor to praise clients when they act according to appropriate parenting behavior--and point out that this shows they do have the qualities of a good parent within them. This will develop a trusting and helpful relationship with these clients. It will also help them break the cycle of shame by offering some strategies of hope.Indeed, there is evidence suggesting that substance-abusing parents are aware that their parenting strategies may be counterproductive and worthy of change (Hawley and Disney, 1992; Levy and Rutter, 1992) and that they are highly concerned about the well-being of their children ( Grossman and Schottenfeld, 1992; Tunving and Nilsson, 1985). The counselor's relationship with clients also provides a positive model for the client of what constitutes a helping relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, clients may adopt techniques they experienced as significant in their own therapy when interacting with their own children--reflective listening, setting appropriate boundaries, treating others with respect, and providing encouragement and positive reinforcements, among others. What Abusing Parents Should LearnTo raise a child in a nonabusive and nonneglectful manner, it is important that parents have the basic knowledge and skills needed, including the following: Realistic knowledge about child development Parenting

skills An understanding of the impact of child abuse on a person Good relationships with spouse and other adults Other personal development and social skills development Treatment programs should establish guidelines on how to deal with these issues if they arise during counseling and know when to refer clients for appropriate types of intervention and support, such as child development and parenting specialists. Additionally, there are many types of support groups available for parents and children involved in abusive relationships. Parents Anonymous, for example, is intended to help adults who abuse children. Parents Anonymous also targets families who have been involved in incest and attempts to keep these families intact or reintegrate families that have been divided because of incest. Alateen, another 12-Step group, is designed for older children whose parents are alcohol dependent and who may be at risk for abuse. Realistic knowledge about child developmentParents should understand the stages of child development and the expectations reasonable for children at specific ages. (An organization in Washington, D.C., called "Zero to Three" [see Appendix E] develops materials, including posters and wall charts, for parents and child care practitioners that define and explain key stages in the development of children from birth to age 3.) Abusive parents often believe that very young children (i.e., 2- or 3-year-olds), can stop crying on command, take care of themselves, and respond maturely to the caregiver's needs (Peterson et al., 1996). Parenting skillsAt-risk or abusive parents probably need help in basic child-rearing skills, such as how to use effective disciplinary behavior, how to reward, and how to effect desired responses. An understanding of the impact of child abuse on a personA number of resources are available that can help clients learn about the consequences of child abuse. "Choices" is avideotape produced by the Center for Substance Abuse Prevention that features interviews with parents who were victims of child abuse. The Public Broadcasting Service has produced several special programs on child development that are available on video. A book of therapeutic stories, such as Once Upon a Time: Therapeutic Stories To Heal Abused Children (Davis et al., 1990), which can help heal the damage of abuse, can be read to children or given to parents to read. If adults at risk for abusing children were also victims, they should understand why they were abused (e.g., their own parents did not know about child development stages) if they are not to become abusers themselves. Good relationships with spouse and other adultsA mother's satisfaction with her spouse and her sense of support from friends and from the community contribute greatly toward a positive attitude about parenting. Strengthening these relationships helps to increase the possibility of improved maternal caregiver behavior (Belsky, 1984) and may prove helpful for fathers as well. Developing interpersonal skills is an issue that can be addressed in therapy and also in marriage counseling. Other personal development and social skills developmentThese include stress management, assertiveness training, and the development of self-confidence. Learning such skills as managing stress and knowing how to deal with anger may lower the risks of abusing a child. Selecting the Most Effective Treatment ProgramData suggest that interventions aimed at breaking the cycle of substance abuse, child neglect, and maltreatment are more successful when they are family centered (Magura and Laudet, 1996). Critical services that may need to be provided for parents who abuse substances include Access to physical necessities, such as food, housing, and transportation Medical care Counseling on substance abuse prevention Training on parenting and

child development Training in child care techniques (bathing, holding, packing a diaper bag, giving medication, etc.) Social services, social support, psychological assessment, and mental health care Family planning services Child care Family therapy and health education Life skills training in such areas as financial management, assertiveness training, stress management, coping skills, home management, anger management, conflict resolution, and communication skills Educational and vocational assessment and counseling Training in language and literacy Planned, continuing care after program completion If clients are to receive appropriate help, it is essential that the treatment match their current abilities to function rationally and to be good parents. Other factors, such as clients' social class, culture, and resources, must also be considered. By addressing these issues, counselors can place clients in community-based treatment programs that address their clients' particular needs. For example, it is important in family therapy to plan what will be discussed when children are involved. The family therapist will understand the developmental needs of the children and, when appropriate, will provide information to the children about the nature of substance abuse, dependency, and treatment. The recovery process of clients can also be addressed.Parenting classes and support around parenting, recovery, and parent-child relationships can be explored. This can be based on the licensing and credentials of the counselor. Usually in early recovery, family education and counseling around recovery is helpful. Later in recovery, more in-depth family therapy may be called for, and a systems approach can be taken. However, when domestic violence is occurring, a systems approach is counterindicated. When a CPS agency is involved, a team approach that coordinates treatment plans is essential. See TIP 25, Substance Abuse Treatment and Domestic Violence (CSAT, 1997b) for more on this issue.Clients with children will fall into two general categories: those with custody and those without. At intake, the treatment provider should find out which situation pertains to a client. To give appropriate guidance for both groups, the counselor should learn the following about the client: Current substance abuse (and means of procurement) Substance abuse by a significant other who may be involved in child abuse or neglect allegations Treatment plan to reduce substance abuse History of deprived childhood History of child abuse and neglect History of involvement with CPS agencies or court system History of out-of-home placement Attitudes about parenting, knowledge about child development, and awareness that parenting tasks change depending on the age of the child Standardized screening measures are available to provide a second source of information on clients' attitudes toward parenting and potentially problematic areas: The Parental Acceptance and Rejection Questionnaire (PARQ) discussed in Chapter 2 has an adult version completed by the parent about her relationship with her child as well as a child version completed by the child about his parent. The Parent-Child Relationship Inventory (PCRI), also discussed in Chapter 2, is another instrument that can help clinicians explore their clients' potential problem areas in parenting. Treating parents with custodyStudies show that the overwhelming majority of minor children affected by parental substance abuse remain in the custody of their parents (Feig, 1998). When dealing with parents who have custody of their children and who have reported a past history of deprivation, neglect, or abuse, the counselor will need to determine the safety of the children and the support available to the client. Some clients may not have custody of their biological children but are living

with or dating someone who does and therefore has a caregiver role. At intake, the counselor should make clear to a client that she is concerned about the client both as a person with a substance abuse disorder and as a parent with certain responsibilities. The counselor needs to state from the beginning that both the client's and the children's safety are of utmost importance. To understand the situation better, the counselor will need the following information: The children's daily schedule and the adults involved in their care or supervision The children's current health status The client's involvement with other agencies, such as family preservation, back-to-work, and job training programs The role of a significant other in the care of the children, his attitude toward the children, and any previous history of abusive or neglectful behavior toward children Previous or ongoing involvement with CPS agencies, the reasons for involvement, current child protective system plan, and outcomes from previous involvement with CPS agencies Once this information is obtained, the counselor should determine the client's daily and weekly activities. This is important in understanding the stresses and tasks required of the parent. For example, a client is likely to relapse or escalate drug use if she senses failure or experiences frustration. Therefore, the counselor must help the client to prioritize her responsibilities and tasks, and recognize the need to identify supportive help when possible.One approach that the counselor may want to consider is to place emphasis on safety. The two words "safety first" can be used to guide all discussions about a client's approach to her daily tasks. By prioritizing tasks based on the parent's and children's safety, the counselor can focus clients on immediate action in a way that is positive and nonaccusatory. By framing the discussion this way, the counselor can help parents understand that it is a safe strategy to stay away from drugs; it is a safe strategy to make sure their children are in the care of a clean and sober adult; it is a safe strategy to make sure that their children attend Head Start or school; it is a safe strategy to keep children's immunizations up to date (Rubin, 1998).Over time, the counselor will become familiar with a parent's treatment attendance record, the results of random urine toxicology drug screens, and the children's activities and can thus get a sense of the stress and risk factors in the client's life that might lead to abusive or neglectful behavior. The counselor also will learn about the parent's ability to organize a daily schedule for his family and himself, follow through on responsibilities, and acknowledge when these responsibilities may be too daunting. When a crisis in a client's life seems imminent, the counselor will be better prepared to help the client reexamine his priorities and consider, once again, a plan that will provide safety for the children and for him. Treating parents without custodyCounselors will often treat clients who do not have custody of their children. This group of parents presents some issues that are different from those parents who do have custody. The counselor's initial major concern is not about the safety of the children. Instead, it is about the safety of her clients, addicted parents who need to focus on being sober and on reuniting with their children in a timely manner. The counselor should learn about The CPS agency's plan for family reunification and the schedule to complete this effort The specific requirements for family reunification, such as the time allowed clients to begin abstinence from or reduction of substance abuse, the visitation schedule with court-appointed caregivers, and completion of parenting classes Age, health, and general

developmental needs of each child Client's history of loss of custody of children and outcomes Client's history of drug or alcohol treatment and outcomes Client's current drug use, health status, income, and housing situation Client's history of childhood deprivation, neglect, or abuse With the recently legislated fast-track adoption laws and the requirement that courts establish more rigid time lines for family reunification, treatment providers must help the parent to prioritize the tasks that should be done for a successful outcome. For example, the client who acknowledges he must change his substance-abusing behavior to become reunited with his children is setting a priority toward successful family reunification. The counselor must then help the client proceed with this goal, recognizing that as time goes by other issues will need to be addressed and be included in the tasks that are required for family reunification, such as improving his parenting skills, finding appropriate housing, learning about financial planning assistance, and searching for work.For family reunification to occur, it is critical that the alcohol and drug counselor collaborate with the CPS agency professional to develop a realistic plan for family reunification. Together, they must ensure that the parent is not overwhelmed with too many tasks at one time. Moreover, the counselor must carefully consider the timing of referrals to the appropriate professionals or community-based programs so that the court timeline for family reunification is taken into account. Treatment SettingsMost substance abuse treatment settings do not have the resources to handle both substance abuse and ongoing child abuse concerns. Interagency networks and agreements can be most effective in these cases. Such cooperative arrangements should include a unified system of case management and clinical review. Following are a few selected programs in the United States that have incorporated both issues under one roof, which can serve as models for creative program development in other communities. The recent study, No Safe Haven: Children of Substance-Abusing Parents, (Reid et al., 1999) also reviews some examples of innovative combined services. Residential programs for womenResidential treatment programs can be exceptionally productive because of the way many women deal with the world. Research suggests that a woman develops in the context of relationships, rather than as an isolated individual (Surrey, 1985). In this model, where relationship and identity develop in synchrony, a woman's role as mother is intrinsic to her personal growth and serves as a motivation to facilitate treatment. Depriving her of children and other personal relationships can be detrimental to recovery. Parental Awareness and Responsibility (PAR) VillageLocated in Largo, Florida, this program admits cocaine-dependent women into a therapeutic community with children younger than 10 years of age. As many as 14 women live in separate residences with their children.Begun in 1990, PAR Village was originally a research project funded by the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) to answer the basic question, "Will women stay in treatment longer as a result of keeping their children with them while in treatment for their substance abuse problem?" Women were randomly assigned to one of two treatment programs: one with their children and one without. Results showed that women who entered treatment with their children stayed longer, completed treatment more often, and had more positive outcomes (especially in retaining or regaining custody of their children) than their control group counterparts. As a result, PAR applied for continued funding through CSAT to allow the program to continue its successful treatment models (Coletti et al., 1997).While

in treatment, both control and experimental groups were provided with group and individual counseling, educational and vocational training, parenting and life skills training, medical services, substance abuse education, and relapse prevention. In the original NIDA study, results indicated that positive outcomes increased when women came to treatment with their children. The experimental group had significantly longer lengths of stay. In fact, at 6 months, 65 percent of women with their children were still in treatment, compared to 18 percent of the control group. Posttreatment custody also improved. Half of the women who came to treatment with their children retained or regained custody of their children at the 6-month posttreatment followup, compared to none of the control group. The SpringThis long-term residential program in Carlsbad, New Mexico, is designed for female substance abusers who have children. This intensive and structured treatment program incorporates psychological, social, educational, vocational, and spiritual aspects of treatment and provides support services for the residents' children and adjunctive family treatment. Each resident shares a private room with her children. The children attend school or day care, and mothers go to classes. Children receive testing and counseling, and mothers care for their children. The comprehensive residential program consists of a broad range of activities, including 12-Step meetings, classes, and therapy groups. Village South Families in Transition (FIT)This residential program for women in Miami, Florida, is funded by CSAT and the Ounce of Prevention Fund of Florida. The program allows residents to bring up to five children, from newborns to age 12, to live onsite for 18 months. The FIT program also provides services to adult significant others and nonresidential children. The program includes an onsite child care center, primary health care and support services, drug intervention and prevention services for mothers and children, and counseling on job and life skills, parenting, and mother-child relations. There are family visits and weekend visits, and partners and other family members are involved. If a mother relapses and has to leave, the village can maintain joint custody of the children, and the mother can regain custody later. Day treatmentAlthough residential treatment centers have many advantages, parents may find this type of facility disruptive for family members, especially for older children who would have to change schools, lose contact with friends, and have less access to extended family. For many parents, intensive, family-oriented outpatient and day treatment programs are a more feasible alternative. Family Rehabilitation Program (FRP)Launched in 1990 by the New York City Human Resources Administration-Child Welfare Administration, this program targets mothers with newborns exposed to drugs (often cocaine) identified by the child protective system. It attempts to prevent the need for foster care of newborns and enable the families to provide for the long-term development of infants and other children. The primary client is the substance-abusing mother, who is offered both substance abuse treatment and intensive social services aimed at preserving the family unit. Services are provided through contracts with community-based volunteer groups selected to provide culturally sensitive services, including home-based visits. Unlike many family preservation programs, which are limited to 60-day interventions, FRP clients participate in services for about 1 year (Magura and Laudet, 1996). Project ConnectThis project is an effort to respond to the needs of both parents and children. It is a collaborative effort between a State department of child welfare, a

private nonprofit agency, a school of social work, and a number of substance abuse treatment and health care agencies. Its goals are threefold: to reduce the risk of child maltreatment, to keep families affected by substance abuse together, and to increase the capacity of the local service system to respond effectively to the needs of these families. Funded by a grant from the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect, Project Connect is administered by the Rhode Island Center for Children-at-Risk in Providence and operates under contract from the Rhode Island Department of Children, Youth, and Families (Olsen, 1995). Families receive services for about 10 months in this program. Project SAFE (Substance and Alcohol Free Environment)Begun in the mid-1980s by the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services and the Department of Alcoholism and Substance Abuse, this program focuses on poor urban minority women with children. In this program, caseworkers identify women who have been accused of child neglect or abuse and have screened as high risk for substance abuse. Project SAFE takes a proactive approach by intensively recruiting women into the program. Once clients are in the program, the outreach caseworker calls clients daily, offers transportation, and helps to arrange child care throughout intensive outpatient treatment (Boundy, 1998). (For additional information on Project SAFE, see Chapter 7.) Relational Psychotherapy Mother's Group (RPMG)RPMG is a weekly parenting group offered along with substance abuse treatment. RPMG concurrently addresses mothers' unmet psychosocial needs and parenting deficits using a nonjudgmental and supportive therapeutic stance, emphasizing interpersonal relationships with adults and children, and employing a guided-discovery approach to exploring parenting and interpersonal deficits. During a 3-year pilot study, RPMG was tested as an adjunct to standard treatment offered in methadone clinics in New Haven, Connecticut. Compared to mothers receiving standard treatment alone, mothers receiving the supplemental RPMG were at lower risk for maltreating their children, reported higher levels of involvement with their children, and greater parental satisfaction overall. At 6-month followup, in addition to sustaining their gains, the RPMG mothers were less likely to use opiates than comparison mothers. Children of RPMG mothers also showed healthier levels of psychosocial adjustment than children of comparison mothers (see Luthar and Suchman, 1999 and in press). Incarcerated parents and parents in transition from incarcerationTypically, substance abuse treatment programs in jail or prison settings will limit the presence of children. However, some criminal justice and social service professionals believe that children should have the opportunity to visit their parents in jail. Children typically want to see and talk to their fathers and mothers. Two programs in New Mexico provide such family services. Project IMPACT, at both the Central New Mexico Correctional Facility in Los Lunas and the New Mexico Women's Correctional Facility in Grants, reviews parenting skills of inmate fathers and mothers and provides education programs, counseling, and family visits. The program eases transition back into daily family life and provides community services to inmates' children and spouses during their incarceration. A second program in New Mexico, Comienzos, which means "beginnings," is an education program at the Bernalillo County Detention Center that provides education on parenting, family violence, and related topics. In these cases, professionals found they could motivate parents to become involved in the substance abuse treatment programs while in jail if they had contact with their children. The

California Department of Corrections and the Department of Alcohol and Drug Programs support a prison-based program called Forever Free from Drugs and Crime. Forever Free participants live in a separate 240-bed facility and receive treatment 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. Counseling, relapse prevention, and problemsolving and parenting classes are part of the curriculum. For more information, call the California Department of Corrections Office of Substance Abuse Programs at 916-327-3707. For more information on substance abuse disorders and criminal offenders, see TIP 30, Continuity of Offender Treatment for Substance Use Disorders From Institution to Community (CSAT, 1998b).

Go to: Organizational Roles and The Need for Collaboration In treating adults with substance abuse disorders who are suspected of abusing or neglecting their children or who are already involved in the CPS system, counselors must communicate and collaborate with representatives from CPS agencies, all while keeping the best interests and confidentiality of clients and their families in mind. Counselors also must understand the role of juvenile, family, and criminal courts in prosecuting cases of child abuse and neglect. Every system attempts to accomplish a specific set of goals to help further the well-being of clients and family members. However, the philosophies and processes used may be very different, and the potential for conflict (expressed or unexpressed) among agency representatives is great. It is important to find ways to collaborate with other agencies in a manner that builds and maintains trust--while continuing to adhere to Federal confidentiality laws. Figure 5-2 presents some suggestions for ways in which professionals from the child welfare and treatment fields can collaborate more closely. 📷 BoxFigure 5-2: Strategies for Collaboration. Program planning and administration Provide joint training for substance abuse treatment staff and CPS agency workers Develop team staffing approaches Provide joint funding (more...) Core Functions of a Child Protection System: The Center for the Future of Children (Schene, 1998, p. 36). Respond to reports of child abuse and neglect, identify children who are experiencing or at risk of maltreatment. Assess what is happening with those children and their families--the safety of the children, the risk of continued maltreatment, the resources and needs of the parents and extended families, and their willingness and motivation to receive help. Assemble the resources and services needed to support the family and protect the children. Provide settings for alternative or substitute care for children who cannot safely remain at home. Evaluate progress of the case during service provision and assess the need for continuing child protective services. Role of Treatment ProvidersThe main focus of the treatment provider is to provide interventions and support to help clients with their substance abuse and dependence issues and recover from the physical, psychological, emotional, social, and spiritual harm that their substance abuse has caused themselves and others. However, once child abuse or neglect is known or suspected, legal constraints take precedence because counselors are mandated to report cases to CPS agencies. It is not the role of the treatment provider to investigate child abuse; once the report is made, the provider's clinical attention should shift back to and remain with the client.It is important for counselors to let clients know from the beginning that counselors must report suspected abuse and neglect because the law requires them to do so. However, the accompanying message to the client should be that even if a report is made, the counselor will continue to work with the client, providing treatment and support. (Counselors should emphasize that it is in a client's best interest to address abuse issues before a child is harmed and before a client has jeopardized her parental rights.) For clients who have been reported, an extra measure of support may be necessary. For example, although counselors' large caseloads would preclude them from routinely accompanying clients to court, exceptions could be made for some clients.Even when accompanying clients to court is not possible, the counselor can create strategies to address the upcoming court date and related issues in treatment. For example, clients who abuse their children often have their own abuse histories and may have painful memories

of having to appear in court as children to be placed in foster care. Discussing such memories with clients may prove valuable to the treatment process. Helping clients understand the court system and procedures may also strengthen the therapeutic bond. The role of the alcohol and drug counselor often involves teaching clients self-advocacy and communications skills--that is, helping them learn to approach various systems in ways that will produce fruitful results that meet their individual needs. Role of CPS AgenciesEvery State has a CPS system to investigate reports of child abuse and neglect to determine whether the child in question is in danger and to intervene if necessary. The CPS agency initiates a comprehensive assessment of a child's safety and well-being in the family. The assessment can involve interviews with the child, the parents, and other family members; visits to the home to evaluate the environment and family dynamics; contacts with schools and other service providers who are or have been involved with the family; and testing to assess the child's health and development (see Kropenske and Howard, 1994). CPS investigations, foster care placement, and adoption services are different aspects of child welfare services, but these functions are organized and titled differently in various States and municipalities; in smaller (i.e., local) jurisdictions, roles and responsibilities may often overlap.If the CPS agency determines that a child is (or is at risk of being) neglected or abused, it can initiate family preservation services to remedy the problems (see Figure 5-3). The CPS worker is responsible for developing a service plan to help the family improve in those areas the assessment found lacking. The service plan can cover housing, day care, transportation, clothing, food stamps, parenting training, individual or group counseling (including substance abuse treatment), and teaching the parent basic household skills. These services may be provided while the child remains in the home if the child's safety can be assured, or the child may be removed to foster care while services are provided. 📷 FigureFigure 5-3: Overview of Steps Through the Child Protective Services and Child Welfare Systems.When it is determined that a child is not safe in the home, the CPS agency has the authority to remove a child temporarily and place the child in another living situation, such as foster care or with relatives (i.e., kinship care). Relatively few children are actually removed from their homes (in 1996, children placed in foster care represented 16 percent of CPS cases), and most of those removed are returned to the parents' custody fairly quickly once their safety has been assured (DHHS, 1999; Goerge et al., 1996).Children who are placed in out-of-home arrangements must wait for the legal system's procedures to take place before a final plan of family reunification or other permanent placement is completed. This plan generally focuses on reuniting the family while ensuring the child's safety and may include substance abuse treatment for parents, as well as other services. The plan and progress toward it are reviewed periodically by the court, and it must be demonstrated to the judge that efforts are being made toward the achievement of the planned goals. Recent Federal legislation mandates that permanency plans be determined quickly and that a permanency hearing be held within 12 months of adjudication of the abuse or neglect. If the child remains in foster care for 15 of the most recent 22 months, the jurisdiction must start the process of terminating parental rights and developing a plan for adoption or kinship care for the child.CPS agencies are required to investigate all reports of child abuse or neglect within a short time--generally a week. Unlike other public

service agencies, they cannot generate a waiting list when service needs outstrip resources. With increasing reports of maltreatment in recent years, backlogs of uninvestigated cases have grown, and CPS agency caseloads have soared. Many workers are assigned more than 50 families even though standards developed by the Child Welfare League of America (CWLA) call for caseloads of no more than 12 to 17 families (CWLA, 1989; Daro and McCurdy, 1991; Reid et al., 1999). Role of the CourtsThe juvenile or family court judge has several placement options, which vary slightly by State. These are reunification with parents, adoption, or guardianship (often with a relative). Children aged 16 and above might enter an independent living program. After reasonable efforts are made at reunifying the child with the family within the timeframe stipulated by law, the court can terminate parental rights and free the child for adoption. Juvenile and family courts have heavy caseloads, and judges sometimes hear a new case every 15 minutes (General Accounting Office, 1999).Some child abuse perpetrators are charged in the criminal court, which is generally more crowded and slower than the family court system. In some cases, families may be involved with both courts. In those cases, the juvenile or family court judge may decide to delay a decision about a child placement case until the criminal court acts.To make the courts more responsive to families' needs, the Center for Innovative Courtrooms has begun to establish juvenile and family courts that offer a whole range of services. The Center's court in Brooklyn, for example, offers drug treatment as an alternative to incarceration, as well as welfare, domestic violence services, general equivalency diploma programs, and other services to prepare offenders to become productive citizens.In Hawaii, the West Hawaii Counseling and Supportive Living Project has been designed to assist individuals and families in providing safe and nurturing homes for children. A core team of professionals consists of a clinical social worker, a substance abuse treatment professional, a clinical nurse specialist, a service coordinator, and an agency director. They are the primary service providers who conduct a service needs assessment, provide service coordination, and make referrals to other programs and providers in the community. The goal is to provide families and children with individualized treatment planning and services that are flexible and are delivered in a manner that respects the family and their cultural heritage. The target clientele includes Families threatened by their own inability to cope with the current stress in their lives Pregnant women and mothers with children at risk of child abuse or neglect due to mental health or substance abuse factors Families who require service assessment or counseling to provide a safe, drug-free environment for their children Pregnant women and mothers with children seeking a recovery program that may include a supportive living environment Pregnant women, mothers, parents, or adults with caretaking responsibilities for children Parents whose children may be temporarily living outside the home Parents whose parental rights have been terminated and who no longer have custody of their children Role of the CommunityThe effects of substance abuse and child abuse are felt by the entire community. Thus planners, policymakers, and administrators are developing collaborative community responses that involve community education and prevention efforts, as well as pooling community resources that support clients' treatment. For example, over the past decade, community leaders in Albuquerque, New Mexico, focused on the growing problem of homeless and "throwaway" youths. Local schools, churches, and neighborhood associations joined

together to provide physical space and staff for emerging service programs. Outreach teams were created to work on the streets with youths, and clean and sober drop-in centers and shelters were established. In Connecticut, the Department of Children and Families is facilitating connection among social workers, schools, and hospitals. San Antonio, Texas, has created the Alamo Area Prevention and Treatment Providers (AAPTP) Association. This is a consortium of prevention and treatment providers whose mission is to (1) promote accessible and comprehensive prevention, intervention, and treatment services to individuals and families in the surrounding counties; (2) implement a seamless continuum of care that includes prevention, intervention, and treatment services; and (3) facilitate access to care through advocacy, positive community relations, and ongoing systems development. Importance of CollaborationBecause of the chronic and relapsing nature of substance abuse disorders, ensuring a child's ongoing safety in a home with a substance abuser, or working toward reunification of a family in that home, can be extremely difficult. Even when the parent seeks help or is ordered by the court to seek help, the parent's treatment needs and the family functioning issues related to child safety are rarely addressed simultaneously (CWLA, 1992; Young et al., 1998). The intertwined problems of substance abuse disorder and child abuse require that systems collaborate if they are to break the intergenerational cycle that has resulted in so much damage to society. However, historically, there have been barriers to such collaboration. Different perspectives on dependencyAlcohol and drug counselors and CPS workers are both involved with clients with substance abuse disorders, but generally their perspectives on addiction are quite different (see DHHS, 1999). This difference is at the heart of the conflicts that historically have characterized relationships between these two groups of professionals and prevented closer cooperation. Much of the substance abuse treatment community views the alcohol- or drug-using parent who neglects or abuses a child as having a chronic and often progressive disease that cannot be cured but can be treated. However, much of the rest of society, including some CPS workers and judges, view this parent as having made an irresponsible choice that has endangered a child. In addition, the CPS worker may perceive the counselor as willing to overlook unsafe situations for children to avoid alienating the parent and disrupting treatment. The treatment provider, however, may see the CPS agency worker as unwilling to give the parent's treatment a chance to work. Different clients, different goalsAnother barrier to collaboration between the two fields is that the organizations have different clients and different goals. Although the CPS agency worker will seek to ensure the child's safety, the alcohol and drug counselor is focused on treating the parent. Different timeframesFor the treatment provider, relapse is an expected part of recovery from a condition that has taken years to develop and will take years to resolve. CPS agency workers and the courts are accustomed to working within shorter and more well-defined time frames (usually 18 months) because of their desire to prevent children from remaining for long periods in out-of-home placements and to ensure that permanency plans are made for the child.A related factor is the overburdened public system and the frustration that professionals in both fields often experience, not only within their own agencies but also in dealing with other systems. For example, CPS agency workers who refer parents to a substance abuse treatment program often find that the program has a long waiting list and that no help is immediately

available. Similarly, alcohol and drug counselors who report suspected child maltreatment often complain that their reports go unheeded or are dismissed for lack of evidence in a system where workers have time to focus attention on only the most egregious cases (Reid et al., 1999). https://whateveryparentshouldknowaboutcps.blogspot.com/2020/07/chapter-5breaking-cycle-substance.html

[logh-icebergs]

Episode 33: Fortress vs. Fortress

Love Triangles

“Yang told me not to write the real names even in my diary, so I’ll use pseudonyms, but non-commissioned officer A and non-commissioned officer B had been fighting forever over the civilian Miss C, and that fight was revived on Iserlohn, but Miss C, who hated Officer B, impulsively shot him to death.” —Julian’s Iserlohn Diary, p. 61-62 (From episode 30.)

Honestly, the love triangle between Officer A, Officer B, and Miss C that Julian describes in his diary sounds like one of the more straightforward and classic love triangles in the LoGH world. LoGH love triangles, as we’ve discussed, tend to be rather twisted, tragic, or otherwise subversive. These triangles don’t present an either/or choice between two romantic rivals standing on equal ground, where the choice hinges on the interior romantic feelings of the character at the vertex; rather, most love triangles in LoGH are narrative tools to highlight the ways social structures shape our choices for us, or to add depth to characterizations by showing the ways that people approach these choices differently.

On the Alliance side, the love triangle of season one was between Yang, Lapp, and Jessica, with Jessica at the vertex. And the way it played out set up open questions about Yang’s wistful passivity and reluctance to pursue a romantic relationship with Jessica both back in college and now, despite her professed interest. Many factors were at play in that dynamic: Yang may have believed that Jessica was more interested in Lapp, or been reluctant to compete with his friend; and in the present day, tensions over their past, Lapp’s death, and the war complicated any possible relationship between them. But as Jessica tells it in episode 10, she was disappointed that he didn’t continue to express interest after that first awkward dance; and despite that confession and an almost-kiss, Yang’s reluctance remained a constant, as he made no further move to pursue her.

In season two, Yang is involved in another love triangle of sorts, and this time he is at the vertex. 

The line in Japanese is Teitoku wa itsu ni nattara hakkiri saserun darou? which translates literally as “when will the admiral make it clear?” The official subs translate it as “when will the admiral just tell her?” which is misleading: It implies Julian has a belief that Yang reciprocates Frederica’s feelings, but both before and after this Julian professes not to know Yang’s feelings.

This triangle between Yang, Frederica, and Julian currently exists only inside Julian’s head. But for Julian at this point in his life it is very real and looms very large—dominating his thoughts, as we see in the moment above, even as he rushes into battle against a giant fortress that just warped into the corridor and attacked them. And since it’s foundational to the emotional arc of the whole rest of the show, it’s worth taking time to examine in painstaking detail exactly how it’s set up early in this season. 

The Julian/Yang/Frederica Triangle

(From episode 24.)

The last time I talked about Julian’s feelings for Yang I speculated that, despite seeming to have all the major symptoms of a crush, he probably didn’t frame it to himself that way (although we had no way to know for sure). But that was almost a year ago—in story time, that is—and a year is a long time when you’re fifteen-going-on-sixteen. And uh, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that he’s figured some stuff out.

Have I fangirled about Nozomu Sasaki’s voice acting yet? Well it’s about time I did—the subtitles can’t do this exchange justice, so please go watch it (12:17) right now to appreciate the soft edge behind his “saa” here. Damn. (From episode 30.)

This is one of those times when I’m not sure what my job here is supposed to be: Schenkopp asks whether Yang is interested in Frederica and Julian’s reaction is to say “how should I know” then lower his eyebrows angrily and shoot the target directly in the heart. Tell us how you really feel, Julian. 

Ding ding ding, yes, how he really feels is jealous. Well done Schenkopp. This is the line right before we jump to Schenkopp interrogating Julian on the shooting range, and already here a triangle of some sort is suggested, with Julian and Frederica paralleled to each other as rivals for Yang’s attention. So how is Yang processing this line? How is Cazellnu? We’ll come back to both of those questions in the future! (From episode 30.)

In episode 33 we get another peek inside Julian’s mind, as checking in on the Cazellnu ladies prompts him to recall a recent conversation with Yang. 

Have I mentioned Cazellnu has issues? Seriously dude, pressuring your 30-year-old friend about his love life is one thing; telling a teenager you intend for him to marry your eight-year-old daughter someday is a whole ’nother level. Leave Charlotte and Julian alone dammit.

Yang is totally oblivious here to how his “eh she might seem like a little kid to you now but things change” take might interact with Julian’s own complicated emotions...

...and it makes sense to me that Julian immediately fires back by probing Yang’s feelings for the only obvious potential romantic partner currently in his life.

Julian’s emotional life revolves entirely around Yang. That’s been true since we first met him, and when he was fourteen or fifteen it manifested as relatively uncomplicated hero worship/puppy love, a desire both to be as much like Yang as possible and to do as much as possible to look after him and be useful to him. But that dynamic isn’t sustainable as Julian grows up. And what these two scenes tell us is that a thread of tension now runs through Julian’s emotions, specifically about the development of Yang’s love life. Everything about the narrative framing in these scenes sets up a classic love triangle: Schenkopp’s insinuations about Julian being jealous of Frederica segueing directly into Julian acting angsty about not knowing whether Yang reciprocates Frederica’s feelings; Julian’s thoughts jumping from remembering Cazellnu’s matchmaking schemes between him and Charlotte to solemnly wondering when Yang will make his feelings about Frederica more clear.

...But this is LoGH. And zooming out from the narrative framing to the broader context, to say this particular triangle is “not that simple” would be a drastic understatement. Julian and Frederica are not on equal ground here; while Frederica seems perfectly constructed as a potential romantic partner for Yang, every possible situational variable is aligned against Julian. When Julian thinks about Yang “making things clear” or “making up his mind,” the two options on the table are “yes Frederica” or “no Frederica.” Julian simply isn’t an option. Heteronormativity is one factor in that, sure, but not the most important one—the age difference and power dynamic mean not only that Julian is a socially unacceptable love interest for Yang, but that in fact any expression of romantic interest from Yang’s end would be deeply, deeply inappropriate. And Julian must know that. However… 

Is it too disturbing to say that what this line reminds me most of is a dog marking its territory? Anyway, it’s the addition of “favorite” that really gives it that possessive feel; he could have just said he has to go make Yang dinner, but instead he feels the need to emphasize that he is the one who knows how to cook food just the way Yang likes it. (From episode 30.)

Frederica isn’t a threat to Julian’s role as Yang’s intellectual disciple, or to his role as Yang’s physical protector. But she is a threat to his role as Yang’s caretaker and domestic partner, and it’s no coincidence that he ends the conversation with Schenkopp by emphasizing that position. Sure there’s nothing romantic about their relationship right now, but the status quo is still that Julian is the person closest to Yang, the person who lives with him and looks after him and cooks for him and spends cozy evenings beating him at 3D chess. The two sides of the triangle may be “Frederica” and “not Frederica,” but the closest Julian can hope to come to actually being chosen is for Yang to never choose anybody, for the status quo to just quietly continue.

On Surface Readings

A lot of the storytelling in LoGH has the feeling of a magic trick: It tells one story if you look at it through glasses that assume romantic attraction can only occur between men and women, and completely different stories if you remove that lens. The key to this trickery is that it’s simultaneously true that there exist non-queer interpretations of the things we see, and that if you tally the details of how the stories are actually told, those interpretations don’t quite add up. In the case of the Julian/Yang/Frederica dynamic, there are two different possible non-queer readings, and it’s worth taking the time up front to examine each of them and how they interact with what we’ve seen so far.

Reading #1: Frederica is the vertex. This is the magic trick illusion: If we attempt to interpret the situation starting from the assumption that between Yang and Frederica, Frederica is the only possible object of romantic interest for Julian, then the two scenes I analyzed above suddenly constitute evidence that Julian has a crush on Frederica. More specifically, they constitute the only evidence that Julian has a crush on Frederica.

Yes this gif is super cute; no it’s not sufficient evidence of a crush. (From episode 17.)

Julian is friends with Frederica and likes her. But never (until these two scenes) have we seen his emotions around her seem fraught; we’ve never seen him think about her when she’s not around, or stand in the background of scenes smiling at her. We’ve never even seen them have a conversation in which Julian didn’t bring up Yang.

As I pointed out above, several details about how the dynamic is framed in episodes 30 and 33 reinforce the fact that Yang is in the role of vertex: a) It takes serious mental gymnastics to see Schenkopp’s “Julian will be jealous if you take Frederica to Heinessen and not him” line as trying to imply that Julian has a thing for Frederica. b) In both scenes, Yang is the one whose feelings are unknown, the one who has a potential choice to make. And c) Julian’s none-too-subtle emphasis of the fact that it’s his job right now to cook for Yang makes it even clearer that it’s his role in Yang’s life that’s at issue.

The only reason to think that Frederica rather than Yang is the vertex is an assumption that Julian must be straight. And the only evidence that Julian has a crush on Frederica is the assumption that she must be the vertex of this triangle. This reading falls to pieces as soon as you remove those glasses.

Reading #2: It’s not romantic. This is much more interesting, because unlike Reading #1, it’s not just an illusion created by heteronormative assumptions. It’s a complexity inherent to the actual situation, and incredibly difficult to actually parse out the nuances of, both for us and for Julian.

The show doesn’t bother to give us a lot of details about Julian’s background in season one—we don’t even know at what age Julian went to live with Yang until the beginning of season two—and it’s easy as a viewer to classify Julian early on as “basically Yang’s kid” and therefore assume Julian sees it the same way. But that view bulldozes over a ton of complexity. Julian was raised by his father until he was eight, and went to live with Yang when he was twelve; Yang is his hero, teacher, mentor, role model, idol—all sorts of things, in addition to legal guardian, that create a major power differential between them. But never once does Julian refer to Yang as being like a parent to him as such—if we look at the source material, he’s consistent in referring to himself as Yang’s disciple (弟子) or orderly (従卒), and as I’ve pointed out before, this is reflected in the anime by the fact that his language and bearing around Yang, while affectionate, are more like a subordinate than like close family.

“So far I’ve only lived just shy of fifteen years. Exactly half of Yang’s age. In the next fifteen years, can I catch up to Yang’s pace? [...] ‘Don’t hold back and merely catch up, fly past him,’ Cazellnu said, and Schenkopp teased, ‘You’re running while he’s taking afternoon naps. Surely you’re gaining ground.’ Poplan laughed. [...] All three of them are watching me with interest and possibly some sympathy as I chase after my shifu (a good word, I learned it from Yang) from far behind.” —Julian’s Iserlohn Diary, p. 136-137 (From episode 29.)

Yang, for his part, has never wanted to be a parent or felt comfortable in that role; and the only way he knows how to treat Julian is as some combination of student and housekeeper.

Okay I’m not actually trying to over-analyze Yang’s syntax here; honestly I’m just taking the opportunity to use this gif because it cracks me up. (From episode 6.)

All of which is to say that in Julian’s eyes, Yang is an idol rather than a parent; and developing crushes on idols or mentors is so common as to be cliché. There’s nothing inorganic or unrealistic about the idea that Julian’s puppy love could develop into romantic attraction as he grows up. It would be complicated, awkward, painful, confusing, stressful, all sorts of difficult things for him—but none of that makes it unlikely to happen.

Good stories raise more questions than they answer; and the ambiguity and complexity of Julian’s feelings is one of the beautiful things about this story. Is it precisely accurate to call Julian’s feelings romantic? That’s not meant to have an easy answer—especially once you acknowledge that not all romance fits into neat normative boxes, especially once you recognize that romance isn’t synonymous with sex or lust, the lines become fuzzy and difficult to pin down.

But what’s unambiguous is that the question of whether Julian’s feelings are romantic is salient, both to the audience and to Julian himself.

I mean...come on.

The direct segue from Schenkopp commenting on Julian’s jealousy to asking about Yang’s romantic feelings; the paralleling of Yang and Frederica’s potential romance with Julian’s potential future romances; the visual of the target being shot directly in the heart. All of these details suggest that Julian is struggling with the question of how his place in Yang’s life relates to Yang’s love life and to his own. There’s no simple answer, and we’ll be continuing to look for details that give insight into how Julian himself perceives his emotions. 

<3

Cazellnu

Meanwhile…

“If you think about it, Cazellnu has no deeds of arms at the front lines or anything. Just through desk work he became a rear admiral at 34, so he’s a real bureaucratic prodigy. [...] When he took university entrance exams, he also passed the exam for the business management program at Ale Heinessen University, but he got the date for the enrollment papers wrong and was left with no choice but the military academy; he says this was one of the major blunders of his lifetime. The other one, he says, is ‘something my wife can never know.’” —Julian’s Iserlohn Diary, p. 110-111

Okay, so we’re focused on the anime here and technically Tanaka’s writing is not our Official Canon, but this backstory for Cazellnu somehow explains so much. When Yang left for Heinessen he failed to anticipate that Iserlohn would be attacked by an entire fortress (some “Magician” he is...), and left Cazellnu, Bureaucratic Prodigy in temporary command while he was away. Logical enough if the problems that are likely to arise are that somehow not enough toilet paper rations were delivered to block 74 that week; but it’s safe to say that Cazellnu finds himself a bit out of his depth when Geiersberg shows up. 

Schenkopp just straight-up disobeys Cazellnu’s order here, chain of command be damned—I like this little reminder that Schenkopp (and by extension the Rosen Ritter) has chosen to be loyal to Yang, but that doesn’t mean that he meekly accepts the authority of the Alliance forces in general.

The other admirals aren’t so brazen, but are also deeply frustrated with Cazellnu’s passive, let’s-just-try-to-stall-until-Yang-saves-us approach to the battle.

Mercifully, for Cazellnu and for the whole fortress, Merkatz has finally had enough of this. This is his extremely dignified and polite way of saying “listen kid, how about you step aside and let someone competent handle this.” Have I mentioned Merkatz is the best?

Poor Cazellnu didn’t ask for this and is really doing his best, and I almost feel bad for him…… but then I remember that he believes the ultimate purpose of human life is to pass on your genes to the next generation and that he ships his eight-year-old daughter with Julian, and I feel less bad. 

Yeah that’s right Alex, you brought this on yourself. Shoulda gotten those business school papers in on time, eh?

Stray Tidbits

The liquid hydro-metal coatings of Iserlohn and Geiersberg are one of my two favorite inventions of the anime (the other, of course, being Julian’s cat). This battle is absolutely gorgeous, and I love the Empire’s tactic of using the gravitational pull between the fortresses to submerge the Thor Hammer and expose the back of Iserlohn to attack. Well done anime team, well done.

“In terms of sci-fi concepts, I like the anime-original fluid metal of Iserlohn fortress. Kato Naoyuki (mechanic concept design) didn’t want to just have ships entering and exiting the fortress through an opening, and we started talking about what if they sunk softly into a mercury-like substance, and so it was created. That creation led to the idea of, during the battle with Geiersberg, using the gravitational pull to attack the back side.” —Producer Masatoshi Tahara, interiew in “LoGH: Complete Guide”

Aha, our first mention of Julian’s height, everyone take a shot! Okay, so tracking Julian’s height down to the half-centimeter (really) is more of a thing in the novels than the anime—in fact I think this is the only time we’re given a specific number in the show, although not the last time the topic arises. Anyway, I share Julian’s “where the fuck did that come from?” reaction here. Is this conversation a product of Yang musing about what Schenkopp said about Julian being jealous? A reasonable interpretation of Schenkopp’s line is that Julian is frustrated at being treated like a kid and left out of the fun grownup adventures. Yang may be obliquely trying to reassure him that he’ll get there soon.

Or maybe that book he’s reading just mentioned something about height and the question was totally random? I honestly don’t know.

In any case, after his initial surprise Julian seems quite pleased that his progress toward adulthood is not going unnoticed. And hi Gensui, yes I see you with that adorable yawn in the background; don't worry, Iserlohn’s design is badass but you are for sure the cutest addition to the anime. (Both from episode 30.)

I want to read the rest of this story dammit. Does Rose manage to drive the squirrel away?? This is the LoGH fanfiction the public demands.

Schenkopp, I used to respect you, but weak coffee? Have you no dignity at all?

I don’t blame this random kid for seeming so horrified by the request.

Is it possible that all Alliance coffee is just too weak and that’s why Yang hates it so much? (From episode 17.)

Julian, we can see you. Didn’t anyone teach you it’s rude to stare?

“Haha, my bad.”

Have I mentioned that I love Iserlohn? Damn it’s gorgeous.

[easyhairstylesbest]

Scorpio Monthly Horoscope

MONTH OF January

Monthly Snapshot 

Ready to slow down a little? At last, you can pace yourself and get back to bonding, nesting and tending to your ties. For many Scorpios, 2020 was a hectic time of multitasking. And while it was good to be busy and distracted from the harsh realities of the world whenever possible, Scorpios NEED restorative times of quiet and “doing nothing.”

In actuality, you’re not doing “nothing”—whether you realize it or not, you’re processing emotions and all the psychic information your famous radar picks up on. Being constantly busy makes it hard to stay balanced. So you’ll be happy to know that January’s stars emphasize home, family and plenty of time for self-care.

There will still be plenty of buzz until January 19, though, as the Sun rounds out a visit to Capricorn and your social, interactive third house. After that, you’ll probably want to power down, spend less time on your devices (whenever possible) and indulge in luxurious self-care.

With Mars and Uranus heating up your relationship sector, you’ll get by with a little help from your inner circle, and maybe add some solid new members to your crew. Just make sure you get everyone on the same page before Mercury turns retrograde on January 30, which could cause scrambled signals and unnecessary breakdowns. Back up your data and devices early in the month to avoid any of the usual Mercury mischief!

Week 1: January 1-10

Help is on the way

Have mundane matters taken over your life? Get ready to banish boredom and banality this week as intensifier Mars wraps up its extra-long trip through Aries and your administrative, wellness-focused sixth house.

Since June 27, you may have been dealing with lots of little details and possibly some health-related matters. Taming stress hasn’t been easy, and while you’ve been outright heroic with the way you’ve handled 2020’s many curveballs, it’s taken a toll.

Great news: You’re about to get some help around here! On Wednesday, January 6, Mars enters Taurus and your partnership house, intensifying your need for support. A key relationship could heat up, perhaps speeding toward “official” status, whether that’s in love or business. Other bonds could get testy, making it impossible to ignore where there’s an imbalanced give-and-take.

Overall, the energy around dynamic duos is earthy, sensual and deliberate—meaning Valentine’s Day this year could be especially fulfilling. On the business front, you may feel some pressure to make things rock-solid by signing on the dotted line. There’s no need to rush into something you’re unsure about, but by the same token, don’t overthink this and miss an opportunity. Balance is key.

Week 2: January 11-17

Pieces of you

So many people, so little time! This week, it feels like everyone and their mama wants a piece of you. Relationships and family are so powered up that finding time for yourself and your goals could seem impossible. Or you could be tending to issues on the home front, such as a move or renovation. Whatever the case, your personal life is extremely front and center.

Jupiter and Saturn are now in Aquarius for much of the year, putting emphasis on your domestic fourth house. If you haven’t taken your emotions seriously enough, that could suddenly feel mission critical. Establishing a base of security, both within yourself and with a solid financial nest egg, are top priorities for 2021.

Family members, particularly female ones, could play central roles in the coming weeks. Cultivate relationships with inspiring and confident women—and nurture someone who’s not as far along on their path as you are!

At the same time, partnerships take center stage as go-getter Mars and disruptor Uranus, both in Taurus, energize your seventh house of relationships. Family obligations could compete with an exciting business or romantic relationship, perhaps one that’s zooming quickly toward a more locked-in status.

It all begins on Wednesday, January 13, when Mclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” ars and Saturn get embroiled in a tense square, making you feel like you have one foot on the gas, the other on the brake. Under this tough aspect, a family member or close person could voice disapproval about an important decision you’re ready to make, especially if it involves a relationship.

Is their resistance rooted in fear—or is this a helpful reality check? Even if you don’t like the bluntness with which it’s delivered, it might make sense to slow down and consider their objections, if only to let YOU feel stronger in your choice. At the same time, Saturn rules boundaries, and it might be time to put up a few with any meddling relatives.

Hold off on making any binding decisions, though, because on Thursday, January 14, radical changemaker Uranus wakes up from a five-month nap in Taurus and your committed seventh house. A relationship could suddenly zoom toward official status…or you might take a complete detour and call an almost-finished agreement off. Any duo that feels less than dynamic won’t cut it, especially if you feel the other person is limiting you in any way. Uranus wants freedom of expression and room to roam—and that’s one item you can’t compromise on now!

Speak your truth, Scorpio, because today is also the annual conjunction (meetup) of the bold Sun and your ruler, transformational Pluto. As this pair unites in your third house of communication and ideas, you could confidently express an idea that you’ve been keeping inside or just haven’t found the words to articulate. It’s a powerful day for pitching, so if you’re at that stage, whittle down your most important talking points and take the mic. Less is more—you don’t have to overexplain. Just let your power resonate with each simple statement and watch as people take notice.

On Sunday, January 17, all relationships could feel confining and claustrophobic, tempting you to make an abrupt jailbreak. Blame it on a once-every-seven-years square between independent Jupiter and liberated Uranus. As these freedom-seeking planets face off in your family and relationship houses, you could feel overwhelmed by all the people who want your time, care and attention. As much as you love them, you need some breathing room! Take an emergency time-out and devote the day to your own pursuits.

Once you’ve gotten that space, think about ways that you can empower your loved ones to fend for themselves. If you’ve gotten caught up in caretaking, it’s time to pass that baton to someone else—or, if the person you’re tending to is a full-grown adult, to break the codependent chain. Are you the one relying too heavily on others before making important decisions—or even basic ones? Let this Jupiter-Uranus square be your wakeup call, however jarring, that it’s time to become a bit more self-sufficient.

Week 3: January 18-24

Focus on home and firming your foundation

Nesting season is officially here! This Tuesday, January 19, the Sun shifts gears into Aquarius, heating up your domestic fourth house until February 18. With Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn all gathered here, your household will be a hub of activity—yes, more than it already is.

Even if you didn’t do much for the holidays, an internal reset is always a good idea for Scorpios. During this reflective month, get back in tune with your body and soul through self-care, and work on fortifying your emotional foundation through meditation and more quiet moments. If you’re looking to redecorate or changeclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” the energy under your roof (check out our Home Reset course for Feng Shui ideas at https://astrostyle.com/homereset), break out the paint swatches and Pinterest boards. Your mother or a female relative could play a key role over the next few weeks.

Relationships also heat up midweek, and they could move faster than you expect. This Wednesday, January 20, intense Mars conjuncts changemaker Uranus in Taurus and your partnership zone. Whoosh! Someone close to you could deliver curveball news. You might get an unexpected proposal to move toward official status.

But since Mars and Uranus HATE being caged in, this midweek meetup could also bring a sudden split. The urge to free yourself might strike out of nowhere, and anyone smothering you could get the sudden heave-ho. Be careful not to act on raw emotion or anger, though. Under this rash conjunction, any hard-to-reverse moves are not advised. Instead of breaking up, you could also just take a time-out and go take a much-needed solo adventure for a few days. If you still feel the same after a cooldown, you can proceed accordingly.

On Saturday, January 23, you may feel pulled in two different directions—strongly—as Mars squares off against expansive Jupiter in your fourth house of home, family and feelings. The intense demands of a fast-moving relationship could be at odds with some of your personal needs. Maybe you’re thinking about moving or changing your lifestyle, and that makes it hard to commit to any offers, both in love and business.

With sobering Saturn making its annual conjunction to the Sun that same day, you’d be wise to slow down and do some serious reflection first. A Sun-Saturn alliance can bring out our skeptical and pessimistic sides (so beware), but at best they operate as checkpoints, forcing us to look at the potential downside of a situation. Maybe you raced too quickly into something or opened up before trust was fully established.

If you’re pondering a relocation, you might need to pause and really consider the options. For example, do you want to move, and if so, should you buy or rent? Take the time to do thorough research (and soul-searching), and you’ll feel so much more confident in your decisions. If you DO need a day off from a certain someone, this would be the weekend to take it!

Week 4: January 25-31

Home wasn’t built in a day 

Home-based action peaks this week as four planets root into Aquarius and your domestic, emotional fourth house. The Sun, Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn are all in this sociable sign, making your personal life a hive of activity—which is both exciting and stressful. Suddenly it might seem like you have a million household projects or that every relative is coming out of the woodwork needing your advice and support. Give them all a moment of your famous laser focus, letting them know their needs and issues have been heard, but make it clear that you have a lot going on yourself!

On Tuesday, January 26, the Aquarius Sun will square off against disruptor Uranus in Taurus, echoing the tension of the January 17 Jupiter-Uranus square. With the Sun in your family zone and Uranus in your relationship house, there may be stress between your loved ones and your love life. You might be feeling indecisive about a relationship or uncertain where you stand, and that could leave you feeling ungrounded. Maybe a relative voices disapproval of your personal choices. Remember, Scorpio: You don’t HAVE to take it personally.

Perhaps the people you count on as your go-to supporters are acting flaky and unreliable. Do you confront them? Under a thin-skinned and reactive Sun-Uranus square, egos and tempers run high. You may need to push back on someone’s unreasonable demands. Tap into your Scorpio gifts of insight and direct communication—and make any unpleasant moments as brief, compassionate and undramatic as possible.

The best day to clarify boundaries and realign with your biggest goals arrives this Thursday, January 28, when the first full moon of 2021 lands in bold Leo and your tenth house of leadership, career and success. Step into your authority, Scorpio! You’ll be able to clearly see and delineate some of your longer-term goals now—and it will feel so good to prioritize.

A venture or milestone you’ve been working toward since the August 18 Leo new moon could come together now with a flourish. If you’ve been waiting for the perfect time to ask for a raise, pitch a client or influencer or even apply for a new position, this full moon opens the windows of opportunity.

Even better? Today, the Sun will conjunct expansive Jupiter in their once-a-year meetup, known as the Day of Miracles and considered by astrologers to be one of the luckiest days of the year. As these two luminaries connect in Aquarius and your fourth house of foundations, you could manifest the emotional support you need to really go after your massive mission.

A family member could act as a guardian angel (maybe even an angel investor). If you’re looking to buy or sell a home or to relocate, watch for signs today…and follow this divine guidance.

It’s important to get things in place quickly, though, because on Saturday, January 30, communication planet Mercury will go retrograde through Aquarius in your home zone until February 20. Even if the Day of Miracles delivers the dream, you still need to read the fine print. Don’t immediately open the doors to needy family members or friends because under Mercury’s crossed wires, you’ll likely resent them later. It’s okay to keep a few things for yourself first, Scorpio—especially when it comes to your castle and keep.

With Mercury spinning backward, watch for moodiness and sudden bouts of insecurity. Can you avoid taking things personally? Since retrograde Mercury is famous for throwing curveballs, you may need to replace a home appliance or two. Mercury and Aquarius are both gadget-oriented, and you’ll want to make sure your electronics are surge-protected. Repair any leaks right away (such as a running toilet tank or dripping faucet) that could turn into bigger plumbing problems down the class=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” road.

While you’re in fix-it mode, you may feel the need to change the energy in your home. Check out our Home Reset course that combines Feng Shui and astrology: https://astrostyle.com/homereset. A few simple changes to your layout could get the flow back into your space.

LOVE & ROMANCE:

At last, a little pleasure! If love has felt like an effort—or the chores of day-to-day life have left you too tired or distracted for romance—that’s all about to change. Since June 27, 2020, passionate Mars has been in a decidedly NOT sexy part of your chart as he took an extended trip through Aries and your sixth house of labor, wellness and service. Responsibilities, pandemic, scrambling for work: not exactly come-hither words, least of all in the sultry Scorpio lexicon.

But that all changes this month. From January 6 to March 3, Mars will march through Taurus and your seventh house of committed relationships, turning up the temps in your closest ties. A new connection can quickly move toward official status. Single Scorpios could meet someone with long-term potential when you least expect it.

Attached? This is a time for solidifying any areas that are even slightly wobbly, especially around home and family. At times, you might fight a little more, but with sexy Scorpio mediating, you’ll likely settle your differences in the bedroom. That said, try to keep your temper in check to avoid fanning the flames of any conflict.

Love has felt more serious ever since Venus went into Sagittarius on December 15, but on January 8, she relocates to Capricorn and your breezy, flirtatious third house. With this lighthearted new energy, you’ll be even more magnetic. Enjoy it for the rest of the month, especially on January 9, when a Venus-Mars trine could turn friends into lovers and remind lovers to be best friends again.

Key Dates:

January 9: Venus-Mars trine

Bring on the lasting love! As affectionate Venus and passionate Mars harmonize in stable earth signs, you could have true romance with all the trimmings—sensuality and stability. Skip the “come here now go away” players and their mixed messages. A partner who makes you feel secure is suddenly the most attractive catch in town. Coupled? Mark a long-term relationship with a thoughtful gift to let your mate know how much you cherish them.

MONEY & CAREER:

  Dear Reader: To bring you cutting-edge financiclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” al and career astrology, we’ve replaced our monthly Money & Career horoscope with an expanded new offering. And we’re bursting with excitement to announce it!

We invite you to join the waitlist for our Astropreneurs community, where we’ll be sharing tools, trainings and cosmic career coaching in 2021 and beyond! Whether you’re an entrepreneur, a dreamer with a side hustle or just looking for deeper satisfaction from your work, we’ll guide you to your path and purpose by the stars.

2021 Vision Board Experience: January 28 with The AstroTwins Ready to design a path that truly fulfills you in 2021? Join us for a star-powered live online event to create success, leadership and impact on January 28, 2021. Tickets available at https://astrostyle.com/visionboard21 =”body-el-link>

Love Days: 16, 21

Money Days: 28, 10

Luck Days: 26, 8

Off Days: 19, 24, 6

See All Signs

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Scorpio Monthly Horoscope