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giantkillerjack · 2 years ago

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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possumsarenice · 2 years ago

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Hey op I know this is a oneshot but just know that from what I got from here I’d pay actual real life money to see a full fanfiction of this /srs

I am being someone PLEASE get inspired by this

2012 Donatello adopts Rottmnt boys

So, during the space arc Donnie randomly gets thrown threw a portal into the 2018 AU.

So now Donatello is in a weird AF New York and oh lot at the year it’s 1999. Despite him being in another universe Donnie is pretty sure his brothers will be able to save him soon. So, he moves into the sewers and sets up a very temporary home base.

A week later and you know Donnie is getting a little home sick, but he is sure his brothers will be here soon. Anyway, the dumping/trash laws in the universe are a lot worse so he can get a much of better/new materials so while he waits, he can work on a lot a cool projects in his down time.

1 month he really hopes his brother will get here soon because he is starting to go crazy. He managed to re-build Metalhead but you know not talking to anyone other than yourself for a month is kind of a lot for a turtle.

5 months, he isn’t growing. Like he has been studying his physiology and in 5 months he should have grown at least a little bit. This brings some worrying prospects, like time not passing the same between multiverses. He decides to make his base slightly more permanent, just in case.

1 year, Donnie is pretty sure he’ll be stuck here a lot longer then expected. He hasn’t even fully aged a day since he got here. Luckily this doesn’t affect his healing or else a paper cut could easily kill him.

2 years, he has been growing his lair since it’s something to do and he doesn't want to focus on his predicament. He kind of hopes someone will fall down here soon so he won’t be alone but he doesn’t think he’ll meet April or even Casey for like ten years at the soonest. Of course, he could just go find them but that might mess up the universe and he isn't sure what the consequences would be.

3 years, he meet his father and his brothers. Well this universe’s version. He found them in the sewers very lost, and yeah he couldn’t just leave them. So now they live with him, they are some very notable differences like A. Red/Rapheal is the oldest!! It kind of seems like Raph and Leo swapped but who knows at this point. B. All the turtles are different species, most importantly he is a soft shell. C. Splinter has much worse mental health. He regularly sees the man crying and has to comfort him. This universe is very strange. Red/Raph 2, Donnie/Purple and Leo/Blue are 1 while Mikey/Orange is few months old.

4 years, life is stressful but getting better. It’s nice having people around again, even though it sometimes hurts to see them. The little turtles have dubbed him mom which he doesn’t mind. He now has people to make inventions for again. Metalhead is the Defacto baby siter/protecter whenever Splinter and Donnie are busy. The issues of naming the turtles is brought up and Donatello becomes Tello and gives his name to his counterpart.

5 years, Splinter finally feels ready to move out. But they aren’t going far it’s only a three minutes' walk to their lair. It a gamble which lair anyone is sleeping at each night. Tello has been encouraging Splinter to improve his mental health, it’s an uphill battle given that the Hamato clan in his universe made horrible decisions, but they’ve made progress. He knows this Splinter sees him as a friend, but Donnie can’t help but look up at the man (Despite this Splinter being so short).

Year 6, Tello will never admit it to Leo but he’s been slacking on his training, so he decides to start practicing again. Of course, he trains where the boys can see and as expected they start to copy him and with Splinter’s permission, he starts to train them. Acording to the boys he is like 'Lou Jitsu' who is a action star in this universe, his skills seem to have some actual basis, so he doesn't stop them.

Year 7, it seems the turtles of this world were created very differently, he doesn't recognize this Draxum but from what Splinter says he's bad news. Mikey is 4, The twins are 5 and Raph is 6. Donnie has started to take an interest in tech as expected and Tello allows him to act as his Lab Assistant until Donnie can build own lab.

Year 8, April'o'Neil falls into their life and sticks to the turtles like glue. She is similar to his worlds April in her fire but that around where the similarits end. She's more of a sister then a friend and he is happy about that since he makes that hellish love tringle less likely to happen. When he gets back, he really needs to apologize to her for being so obsessive.

Year 9, Raph has started sneaking out, Tello sends metalhead to follow and protect him but doesn't stop him. The boys have been coming along well in there training but he can't teach them everything they need to know about there weapons. Luckily Splinter can fill in the gaps.

Year 10, he hasn't seen his family in a decade it hasn't really suck in how long he's been stuck here. He is still 16, at least physically, his meatal Deveopment is still 16 but he has 26 years' worth of life. He has grown a lot personally, helping to raise the turtles has let him see more of his own flaws and he lost that crush on April, but he still feels 16. Splinter never once asked how old he was, Tello isn't even sure how he would answer.

Year 11, Mikey is 8, the twins are 9 and Raph is 10. Tello feels more comfortable leaving the lair territory given that the boys are old enough to mostly understand the rules. Now he has started setting up safe houses around the city, just in case. He has been looking into their regular villains but the only one he can find is Stockman who apparently runs a supermarket and has a son???? He's keeping an eyes on them.

Year 12, Tello has been trying to learn new weapons, just to add more verity to his skill set. So as a training exercise he has each of the boys try to each him their weapons. Raph is the best, follows by Leo and the Mikey. Donnie gets out of this lesson by virtue of them both using the Bo. He ends up learning the Sai first.

Year 13, Tello makes himself to tech limb enhancements, they are made from high grade titiume. The act as amour and give his limbs more strength. For Christmas Donnie gifted him tech bo and Tello cried. These boys are more his sons then his brothers, he doesn't hate it.

Year 14, Mikey is 10, The twins are 11 and Raph 12. He knows that the boys have limited time before there lives hit the fan, he worries. He and Donnie make protective gear for them but he is always scared it won't be enough. A least he finally (relatively) mastered the Sai, next on his list were Leo's Katanas.

Year 15, he is pretty sure the Kraang don't exist in this world, he can't find any evidence of their existence. The Foot Clan is also elusive, but he has found evidence of their existence.

Year 16, Tello has officially been in this world an equal amount of time he had been in his world. The idea of going home is a lot less appealing now that he built his new family, of course he misses is brothers and father and always will but he has kids to protect.

Year 17, Donnie made S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. as a counterpart to Metalhead. Where Metalhead was more or less a tank that packed on hell of a punch S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. was fast and much more tactial. Tello finished his garage with an array of motorized wounders inside. The Shell Rassier 2.0, The Stealth Bikes 2.0, and his new favorites the Hover Boards (Think the skateboards form Shredder's Revenge).

Year 18, he knows it's started. He can see it in Raph's heightened focus on training, in Leo increase in terrible jokes, Mikey's new hidden sketch books and Donnie's increase in secret projects. He never pushes them though.

Until one night he comes home to a trashed Shell Raiser and a frantic Donnie. The turtles tells him about what happened to the Shell Raiser, something about Meat Sweats? Tello carefully gets the whole story. Apparently, they were already fighting the foot clan, but no sigh of Shredder. Tello calls the other boys in and tells them he isn't angry but says they now haft to tell him who they fight and call him for backup.

He meets Draxum during the Big Mama Fascio and the Yokai is hella confused but the mutant turtle who he 100% didn't make. Like he clearly isn't a Yokai but form the dialogue it sounds like he's been a turtle for years.

[Insert most of the series]

He is shocked to find out Oroku Saki is actually good and not a complete bastard so yeah. ALSO KARAI IS HIS GRANDMA AND SHE JUST ACCPECTS HIM. HE EVEN GETS MAGIC POWERS!! They free the soul of Oroku Saki. The fuck do you mean Casey was raised by the Foot! Well he has another child to care for now. That brings him to seven children

Year 19, he's been making progress with Casey and everything has been relatively chill but he knows this isn't the end. Like the Rat King or Kraang are bound to show up soon. He enjoys the down time though. Draxum dose ask about how he came to exist and Tello eventually tells him about is alternate timeline predicament. (Drax is the first one to find out). He agrees to keep it a secret for now.

Then Casy Jones Junior shows up he says Master Tello was dragged through an unknown portal two years after the Kraang invasion. He assumes it's his brothers finally coming to get him and after the events of the Kraang invasion comes clean to everyone about his true origins. They are all in a mix of awe and horror.

Year 20, everyone has been trying to make Tello's last years with them count. Mikey makes a bunch of art with him, Donnie learns how to run Tello's network of labs, robots and cameras, Raph watches all of Tello's favorite movies with him, Leo glues himself to Tello's side and dose everything with him. Draxum gives him a cloaking brooch so he can experience so bits of human life, Oroku Saki teaches him how to fight in/against Shredder amour, Karai gives him therapy, Casey Jones Junior lets Tello teach about everything he can think of and Cassandra trains with him daily.

It's the best and worse year of Tello's life, he is sure he could come back to this universe but doesn't his world need it's Donatello? But these kids still need him. His brothers need him they'll be so worried but his sons will lose him. He's going to miss everyone here, even Grandpa Saki!

He hasn't seen his family for 20 years, he has been in this world for 20 years.

It's a normal Sunday when he is suddenly ripped away form his lab, Donnie screaming next to him as he is ripped back to his original? home? Universe.

His brothers and family stand above him looking worridly down at him.

"Woah Donnie, nice gear!" Says Mikey noticing all his new tech

"We gotta get out of here, the Kraang will becoming soon"

He is hoisted up.

Day 1, all he can feel know that he is home, is numb. His name no longer belongs to him and the whole world seems so bland. It's only been 2 days here, he hasn't been able to speak a word. Fugitoid says it's muitverse travel sickness and he just needs time. They both know the robot is lying.

At least on his family members is in his room at any given time

Leo who is way too serious to be his baby blue

Raph who is too angry to be his sunshine

Mikey the most similar but just off enough that it makes him sick, he isn't his little artist.

He feels so old compared to them but they can't see the diffence.

"20 years" are his first words to his brothers after two decades.

Day 2, he can't say here. He's dying, the , mystics that are apart of his soul are searching for others but there nothing here. Tello hears them yelling

"20 YEARS!"

"2 DAYS!"

There in the room next to him.

April to his suprise is the first to say it

"We should send him back"

Everyone else is outraged but now the idea of him going back is out there.

He opens up to Leo first

"I didn't think you were coming, I-I I have a family there Leo"

After that the flood gates open and he breaks, his brothers as he sobs and tells them about his world.

Day 3, he wakes up with his brothers in a turtle pile and he can finally breath.

Later Leo tells him with a warm smile

"We'll work something out, we'll get you back to your boys!"

Fugitoid says they build a permeant gateway on earth. The robot also notes that the timelines have likely sunken up due to Tello's roundtrip. Which is a relief, he didn't want to go back, and it be 30 years there.

Now he has a goal, something to shed blood for and invent for.

It takes 3 months for Tello to stabilize his universe. Tello has had 20 years to train and improve his craft, he learned how to fight Shredder form Oroku Saki himself. The villains of his world didn't stand a chance. His brothers seemed mildly terrified, but Splinter got it. raising 4 turtle gremlins changes you.

3 months after he arrived a door had been opened back into his boys universe.

Raph nearly crushed him with the strength of his hug, Donnie cried, Leo went full medic mode and Mikey stuck to him like glue. After the enisle excitement of his return all the counterparts introduced themselves and in a very turtle fashion, ordered pizza.

#OP #OP listen to me right now #I adore everything about this concept #I love the idea of someone suddenly being ripped away from their life completely and thrown somewhere else with nothing/no one coming with #and living a whole ass life in that somewhere else #missing what they’ve lost but still content with their new life #while at first they would’ve given anything to go back #now they genuinely wouldn’t be able to pick between their old life and new life #but it’s not like the old life can come back so what the point in even asking #except it can and it did #whether they like it or not #either some of their old loved ones re-enter their life (slightly changed but nowhere near as drastically)#who expect their old friend #but are greeted with a different soul entirely #or in this more dramatic case #thrown back into their old life just as cruelly as before #like all the time they spent #all their accomplishments #all the connections they made #were nothing #they seemingly had as much of an impact as a dream #but it was very real #and to go through all that heartbreak again #and what it does to someone #mmm delicious #tmnt 2012 #rottmnt #tmnt crossover

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