#like a life changing event

[lovealwayssay]

I just did some math and, if Cas is as old as the earth, his 12 years with Dean is equivalent to like 0.08 seconds in a human lifespan. That’s less than 1/10th of a second, shorter than the blink of an eye. He knew Dean for such a short amount of time compared to his entire existence and it was enough to fundamentally change everything about Cas and how he sees the world. That’s absolutely insane to me.

[inkskinned]

yesterday while feverish i wrote about how boats can moor next to each other like pigeons, cooing with the gentle rap of water against their hull. you once said that that the way i see things - birds in the water, feathers in marina paint - was "childish and naive." you said i'd been misdiagnosed - "it can't all be adhd. you might be just kind of stupid and lazy."

i still do certain things like how you taught me - turn the pillow case inside out before putting it on. drive defensively. hate myself entirely.

the prompt for this poem is "mahler's fifth." i wish it wasn't, but mahler's fifth was our song. it ended up in my book. every person that knows your name has promised me they'll give you one swift rabbit punch, right to the face. dean read the book and showed up on my front porch, drenched in sweat from running the 8 miles at 4 in the morning. he was shaking. pacifist and gentle - he works with children - i'd never seen him furious. a punch isn't going to do it, he said, and then said i'm sorry. i had to come to see if you were okay.

mahler's fifth was mine first, like my girlhood. i like the way each movement piles onto the next movement, each instrument bleeding into the next. i like the horn version the best. before i met you, i danced to it on grass still-wet from sprinklers.

later you would tell me that the way you heard it was somehow better. you understood something in it that i couldn't quite wrap my fingers into. once, on our anniversary, you asked the classical music radio station to play it for us. we missed hearing it because we were fighting. one of the things people get wrong about abuse is that sometimes victims are, like, brutally aware of the stupidity of our situation. what do you mean that you thought i wasn't good enough for you? you? you're just... nothing.

sometimes people can pull the poetry out of your life. i watched my words become clothesline, and then thin out into kite twine. i watched you chew through every good syllable of me. so many good songs and places and moments were ruined. i am glad you didn't like most of my music - less to tie back to you.

but still mahler's fifth. the music swells, and i am 21 and throwing up in a bathroom on my birthday. a woman i will later refer to as lesbian jesus runs a cool hand down my back, her perfect pantsuit starch-pressed. she told me to leave you. she said - and this is true, and not an invention of rhyme or fantasy - i'm you from the future.

i am 22, and i got home from an award ceremony, and i remember you telling me - you act so proud of yourself when you're actually so fucking embarrassing. i took you to disney world. you took my virginity. i gave up visiting spain for a week with my family - i instead choose you, to spend the time just-cuddling. you called it "our fuck week." the music swells. it probably should have been a red flag that for about 3 years - i just gave up on crying. my grandfather died and you said nothing. my uncle died and you ghosted me for 3 weeks. you said i need to protect myself from your ongoing tragedy.

every so often i come back to the memory of one of our last afternoons in person. i had just told you that i wasn't going to law school, despite the free ride - i was going to join a creative writing program. master's in fine arts. i was going to finally do it - i was going to follow my dreams. this blog was already internet-famous. however reluctantly, i would occasionally refer to myself as a poet. i got into umass amherst's writing program for fiction authors. it is one of the the top 5 programs in the country.

wait are you seriously considering actually attending that? dumbfounded, you turned completely towards me in your seat. for the 3rd time in our relationship, you almost crashed the car. you actually want to be a writer?

the first time i went viral, it was for a poem i wrote about you:

he wants to say i love you but keeps it to goodnight because love will take some falling and she's afraid of heights.

every time i see that, i want to throw up. you weren't in love with me, you were in love with the control you had over me. a little truth though: i am afraid of heights. you caught a rabbitgirl and skinned her alive.

mahler's fifth still makes me sick.

give me that back. give me back music. give me back everything i had before you. give me back fearlessness. give me back bravery. give me back a scarless body.

give me back what you took from me.

[seefasterdraws]

first meetings

[benevolenterrancy]

("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)

[ashipiko]

is it obvious that i’m a trappoler or

[hayden-christensen]

STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH NOVELISATION by Matthew Stover

@pscentral event 18: adaptations

[aardvaark]

im so glad that we never get a clear picture of sophie’s background in leverage & i hope we never do. however i also really like making up various, often conflicting backstories for her in my head. perhaps they’re all backstories for an alias of hers, ones she laid to rest back in season two.

[littlebloomclan]

Burnclan really saw a little dude that could be very much apprentice aged and said 'is anybody gonna kill that thang?' and not wait for an answer. like damn, what meaners.

[crabbunch]

for @mcyt-aro-week - day 5 - flowers/wedding

"Etho," Bdubs says. "Should- should we get married?"

Etho blinks and sits up, moving his head out of Bdubs's lap. "What?"

"Well- hey, you didn't have to move," Bdubs pouts. "I mean, should we get married?"

"Why?" Etho says. He's not wearing his mask right now, and even with it on, he manages to expressive. He's obviously confused, which is weird, because Bdubs sort of thought...

"Well, you know," Bdubs laughs a little awkwardly as he rubs the back of his head. "It's- I mean, we're- I don't know! It just seems like something we could do."

It's hard to explain. He loves Etho. It's a deep, deep love, too, because Bdubs loves often and easily, and that's fine, he loves loving people, but Etho- Etho and him have been entangled with each other for so long that it's different. Bdubs knows Etho, and Etho knows Bdubs. Bdubs would do anything for a lot of people. He loves it. He loves them. But Etho...

Well. He's special. And maybe that kind of connection requires some kind of... marking. Celebration.

"I just kind of thought," Etho says. "That- um- marriage was for people in love."

"Bwuh- huh?" Bdubs says. "But- isn't that us?"

"What?" says Etho. "Um, no, I didn't think so..."

"Well, I do love you, you know," Bdubs says. "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't."

Etho looks away, and a horrible dread rises up from Bdubs's stomach.

"But... um, you love me, right?" Bdubs says, voice wavering.

"Well, yeah!" Etho says. "Just- I mean, not in the get-married way."

"Oh," says Bdubs. "Oh! Well, that's fine. Okay!"

"Okay?" Etho chuckles, shoulders relaxing slightly with relief.

"Yeah, I was scared you were going to be like- oh, you've been hanging out with me for all this time, and you hated me for all of it, and were just too shy to say so. Wow!" Bdubs laughs. "So who would you want to get married to?"

"Um," says Etho. "I don't really know. No one, maybe."

"Oh!" Bdubs says. "So you- so if you're not saving your marriage for anyone, can we still do it?"

"Huh?" says Etho. "Oh, yeah, sure."

"Hey! You were so worked up about it earlier, and now you're just giving in!?" Bdubs says. "What's with that?"

"Huh? Well, if you're fine marrying someone who doesn't return your feelings, I'm fine with it," Etho says. "I like the idea of wedding presents."

"No, but-" Bdubs breaks off and grabs his face in his hands, frustrated. "It's not the hearts and kissing and stuff, because like, I wanna do that to you, but I don't care if you want to do it to me. It's just- you know me, yeah? And I know you. And that's the thing that I care about. That's the reciprocation."

"Oh," says Etho. He smiles. "Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love you. Like that."

"So we can get married?" Bdubs says hopefully.

"Of course," Etho says. "Make sure you require people to bring gifts on the invitation, though."

"You got it," Bdubs promises him.

- - -

Neither of them wear white. Etho, who has about 20 copies of the same outfit and wears nothing else, wears the same outfit he always wears. Bdubs isn't really surprised.

Bdubs borrows one of Cleo's dresses and looks absolutely fabulous in it, even if he does keep tripping over the hem. They pinned it up for him, but it's still far too long- NOT because he's short. Because Cleo's a giant.

It's totally worth it though.

Scar officiates, which means that there's a 75% chance they aren't actually legally married, but Bdubs isn't too bothered about it. This is more for sentiment than anything else. Actually, it's probably a good thing if his finances aren't tied to Etho's, since he commits tax fraud. Etho doesn't take off his mask when they kiss, which kind of sucks, but is also par for the course. Joel monologues loudly to anyone who will listen about the deep bond he and Etho share.

"Congrats," Grian says, grinning like a shark as he downs what has to be his 12th glass of punch, seemingly unaffected by it. "You've got a nice hustle going on here."

"You-! You and Scar and Mumbo did the same thing last season!" Bdubs protests.

"Yeah, but we ended up meaning it," Grian says dismissively. "This? Well, I mean, maybe you mean something by it. Etho doesn't."

Bdubs chokes on his own cup of punch.

Back in the games-

Well. Bdubs tries to keep his lives separate, but it's hard when some of his closest allies don't even bother pretending like it never happened. Etho and Cleo are always rubbing it in his face, the jerks!

The point being- he doesn't like thinking about it, but back in the games, when Bdubs had been red for the umpteenth time and not quite desperate, he had thought-

"He loves me."

And everyone had laughed.

Because the thing was- it had been a little bit of a lie. Playing up the role. Leaning into the blind faith that had carried him that far. But the faith had been there, and it had gotten him that far, so-

Etho doesn't love easily, and when he does, it's a choice, fragile and thin-spun from familiarity and the thrill of trying to stay. It's a little different from the love Bdubs feels- even the platonic kind.

And. The thing had been. That Etho hadn't chosen to love him then. Or he had, but it hadn't been enough, or maybe it was never love at all and it was just- the knowledge that Bdubs was Bdubs and Etho was Etho and that they'd always find each other.

Etho plays into the roles he's given, just like Bdubs. He's a little more subtle about it, sure, but Joel decides that they're soulmates and Etho plays along. Gem decides that he's washed up and he plays along. Cleo decides that they're divorced and he plays along.

Bdubs says, he loves me, and Etho lets him die.

That's how he knows there's something more than Etho just playing along there.

"Well, you think what you want," Bdubs says dismissively, and wanders off. It doesn't matter if Grian knows that he and Etho have stumbled into something a little different than love.

"Bdubs!" Etho shouts, waving him over to the gift table. "Look what Skizz got us!"

"A crockpot?" Bdubs squints.

"An essential for any newly-wed couple," Skizz says sagely.

"Well, if you say so," Bdubs says, and sits down next to Etho to help him unwrap presents.

[al-luviec]

I got so insanely mad while drawing this

+ closeup and normalness

[seance]

THE MUSKETEERS 10TH ANNIVERSARY REWATCH / fave episodes [4/?] ↳ SEASON 1, EPISODE 10 / musketeers don't die easily

[oceanwithouthermoon]

arghhagahahhsbs post-cattank torisai makes me SO INSANEEEE

this page alone makes me omfgggsnnskskxisjwn

[blackhholes]

teen wolf meme: [2/2] locations -> the hale house

I've been having dreams. Dreams, or nightmares? Nightmares... About a fire. It's this-this house, and I can hear screaming-

[ash-and-starlight]

things that have me fine and normal on this friday evening

[bluebobatea]

if sasuke was the main character then he probably would've been a LOT more sympathised with than he is now (which is to say rarely). like the narrative wouldn't even need to change to show his pains or 'his side of the story', bc it does that plenty. it's just that he is not the main character. and idk what it is about our human minds but we tend to sympathise with main characters automatically (unless ofc you go off the rockers insane and do something like obliterate almost everyone from the planet *cough* eren yeager *cough*)

an instance that comes to my mind where this does happen is with lelouch from code geass. while i don't agree with his character motivations, people generally do sympathise with him as he is the mc and as viewers we know he isn't inherently evil. sasuke's goal towards the end is slightly similar but ofc people love to hate him so they don't even try to understand where he is coming from.

my point is, most people while engaging with the naruto story don't read between the lines and so don't see how traumatised and in pain sasuke is and hence don't understand his character motivations. heck, they don't understand a single bit about him and so they automatically hate him, as he is supposedly going against the main character's goals.

which is really sad given all that he has been through.

[marimbles]

i miss carpisuns sometimes </3