#like I am unbelievably happy for them but I feel horrible that I’m not there with them especially after they invited me

[stabthecode]

.

[m9rtality]

I don't smoke

SYNOPSIS ; You think you're inlove with a man that's inlove with another, until you meet him.

CONTENT WARNING — Angst, symbiotic relationship (not being inlove, depending on eachother for emotional stability), major character death.

GENRE — Angst

“If you need to be mean”

I smiled painfully as I watched my boyfriend with his best friend, Gojo Satoru. I knew they were in love, it was so unbelievably obvious by the way they looked at each other. I knew it’d never be the one that own his heart but I was okay with being his second place. There’s a lot of things about Gojo Satoru that I could never compare with, he’s strong and smart but also has playful aspects and his personality is one of a kind. I’ll never be Gojo so I’ll be the next best thing, or at least I’ll try to be.

I sat at the bar while Shoko flirted with the bar tender while Gojo and Suguru danced together with drinks in their hands, Suguru was smiling bright than he ever did with me, when he looked at Satoru, his Satoru I could see the overwhelming look of love in his eyes. I wish he looked at me that way, yeah he loved me but never like how he loved his soulmate, his other half. The one person he wanted the most, he couldn't have so I was what he settled for.

“Be mean to me.”

I comforted Suguru in his depressive state, when he was at his weakest I was always there for him. I promised Gojo and Shoko that I’d always be there for him, no matter what type of mental state I’m in he will always come first. I didn’t mind because I loved him, Suguru was my soulmate but I was not his, and I was okay with that. At least I think I am.

I wish I could have Suguru all to myself, but he brought home two sweet girls named Nanako and Mimiko. I loved them dearly and I thought of them as my own daughters and it was obvious that Suguru felt the same way but never actually showed it. The girls worshiped him and it was sweet of how they looked up to him.

“I can take it and put it inside of me”

I stood by my fiancee’s side, I didn't agree with his beliefs but I stood by him anyways because that’s my job as his spouse. I stood by him as he wanted to get rid of all non-sorcerers, I stood by him during that entire time because I told him no matter how evil he became I’d always be on his side. I promised the girls that no matter what their father did he was a good man and he loved them more than life itself even if he never told him that because I knew he felt that way.

I was a sorcerer so Suguru kept me alive, but I missed the man I met before we got married. I missed how happy he was even if it wasn’t because of me. I missed when he cuddled me and kissed me, even if he belonged with another he still loved me and I missed when he showed me that. He now barely even touched me, kisses were more rare than seeing him because he was always saving non-sorcerers from curses then speaking horribly about them to Nanako and Mimiko.

“If your hands need to break”

I felt my heart shatter when I heard my husband had died. I couldn’t believe what I was being told by the man my husband loved, the man my husband loved more than me telling me that my husband, my lover is dead. The man my husband would always choose over me had killed my husband for ‘the greater good’ and now here I was holding him in my arms as we cried together over the man we had an shared love for, a man we both wanted but was fated to never belong to us.

I never expected that Satoru and I would bond over the man we loved, that we’d bond over the shared pain we had after loosing him. I never expected that I’d be continuing becoming a sorcerer just because Satoru had convinced me it’d be fun and I could teach the students with him.

“More than trinkets in your room”

I never thought that I’d be okay after Suguru died, I never thought I’d be happy without him but I feel horrible to say that I’m glad I’m away from him because I’ve never felt happier. I don’t have to deal with the pressure of walking on eggshells around him because I don’t know which version of my husband I’d get, I love Suguru and he’d never hurt me but he’d yell so much and I finally feel free.

I loved my husband but I’ve never felt happier without him and that makes me hate myself, but I shouldn’t. Satoru helped me accept myself, he helped me learn how to accept Suguru’s death and not let that make me end up like him. I never thought I’d fall in love with anyone that wasn’t Suguru, but here I was catching feelings for Nanami, I went to school with him at Jujutsu high but I never spoke with him much and now here I was, giggling and laughing while Nanami and I did cleaned the messy classroom after the 1st years chaos.

“You can lean on my arm”

I leaned on Nanami’s arm after a long day of teaching. I never felt happier than I did with Nanami, I thought I was in love with Suguru but I don’t think I ever was. I think it was just a Symbiotic relationship because we may have kissed, touched each other but that was only when we were in a bad state of mind or needed emotional support.

All the times we exchanged I love yous were simply a lie because I never loved Suguru and he never loved me, but I’m happy that I got time with him. I’m happy I was in his life an he was in mine. But I’m happy I lost him because now I know what it means to be in love and be happy, I’m finally happy.

“As you break my heart”

Everything went so fast. I was on a mission with Yuuji and Nobara and now I’m laying in my sweet student’s arms while they cried for me to keep fighting, for just a little bit longer. Yuuji said he’d get help and I’d be okay, Nobara repeated that Nanami will be happy to see me again. I could tell Nobara was trying her very best to get Yuuji to accept the fact that I was dying.

“I’m so proud of you two.. You both are so strong.” I said softly as I felt my vision slowly getting blurry and fading to black.

I never would’ve thought this would be how my life turned out, but I’m glad it did. I’m glad I was the way I am and I have no regrets in my life, I just wish I could’ve seen my sweet girls one more time. I haven't seen them since Suguru’s death and I wish I could see my girls one last time.

“Mommy?..” “Mama!..”

“Nanako?.. Mimiko.. You two shouldn’t be here."

[saltydkdan]

Thoughts on Strohiem? (From Jojo)

It’s… rough. I have OPINIONS ABOUT HIM.

For those unaware, or have forgotten. This particular ask is about the character of Rudol von Stroheim from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. A Nazi Major that is introduced in Part 2 of the series. I have always wanted a proper moment to spotlight how much I dislike this character. And not just how I dislike him as a character, but how I dislike his general inclusion in the story as well.

Listen, I LOVE this series. But even I have my limits. It’s because I love it so much that I critique aspects like this in the first place.

Warning, I’m about to word vomit about this because I’ve been DYING to talk about this somewhere.

BIG DISCLAIMER: These are my thoughts and mine alone. I know there’s a lot of… interesting anime fans out there that might disagree. I’m not here to debate on stuff like this, I don’t want to hear your contradictory thoughts on the subject. If I see a single person say I’m “virtue signaling” by saying I don’t like the Jojo Nazi character, I am going to mail you a pipe bomb (in the hit game Minecraft for Windows PCs)

Stroheim’s existence (or at least, how he currently exists in the story) is not handled all that well in my opinion. Like… not at all. I like to poke fun at it, but I genuinely think Araki fumbled the bag so hard with Stroheim and it's more and more unbelievable the more I think about it over time.

No matter how you shake it, Araki fully wrote a historically accurate Nazi character into Battle Tendency and proceeded to give him a redemption arc and make him a member of the supporting cast. Now of course, I know that Japan has a fascination with a lot of German stuff, so within that context I can kind of get why he exists in the way that he does, but it just feels weird and in bad taste.

Contextually, it makes sense. Do I like it? No. No I do not.

To address the elephant in the room, I get it. Araki really loves to write evil villain characters, and then having them be redeemed, or switch over to the hero's side after a certain point. I actually really enjoy this trope especially in Jojo! It’s one of my favorites. Especially how it’s handled in Part 4: Diamond is Unbreakable.

However, writing a redemption storyline for characters like Okuyasu and Rohan is fundamentally different from writing one for Stroheim.

First and most obviously, unlike other characters, Stroheim’s whole character is based on an actual real life totalitarian extremist hate group who committed horrible atrocities across history (and still does to this day).

As if that wasn’t enough, he quite LITERALLY commits horrible atrocities ON SCREEN. Sacrificing an entire room of innocent people to Santana (the first of the Pillar Men) so that the German’s can awaken and study him in their secret lab.

Everything about Stroheim feels like it’s very intentional at the start. He is clearly set as a villain from the beginning, and it works fine. However once he self-immolates and blows himself up to destroy Santana, the story seems to continuously frame him more and more as an ally/hero from that point onward.

After he returns with his cyborg body, the fact that he’s a Nazi suddenly takes a back seat and now he’s continuously just framed as a “patriotic” soldier. Legit, the moment after he shows back up, Joseph internally comments on how he’s “not exactly a bad guy”.

Some people will argue on how it’s a bit more complicated than that, since Joseph also thinks about how he dislikes that he’s a German Soldier. But directly after this, he also states how he’s still happy Stroheim isn’t dead. If anything, from this point onward Joseph acts towards Storheim in a similar way to how he acts towards Caeser. Even if they aren’t best friends, Joseph still has positive feelings towards Stroheim, and I hateeeee that.

In the anime, they even make sure to call him a “German Soldier” and not a Nazi. The avoidance of that word really struck me as them trying to avoid that subject because they knew the way the character was treated was strange.

So anyway, as I was trying to say. Redeeming villain characters is one thing, but redeeming a villain character that is straight up a literal Nazi is something else entirely. Especially when like, not to nitpick, but Stroheim never walks back the more extremist beliefs that he for sure subscribes to.

-And if you’re one of those weirdos who tries to make a point by saying “well, he never outright says what he actually believes in! Maybe he is just fighting for Germany for his own reasons.”

My dude, he’s literally described as a “Patrotic Nazi”. What the fuck do yoU THINK HE BELIEVES IN?

Also as a final addition to this rant, I also don’t quite like how weirdly normalized that Araki makes the existence of “german soldiers” in his story even outside of Stroheim. Nazi’s are weirdly commonplace throughout the plot, and while it contextually makes sense since they kicked off the main conflict, they are almost always weirdly painted as neutral or even straight up good guys (after the Santana fight). Which is just really strange to me.

Like bruh, you mean to tell me that Caeser fucking Zeppeli is casually frieNDS WITH ONE OF THEM? BE FUCKIN FR ARAKI LOL

It also sucks how Stroheim is so increasingly present leading up to the final act. Like MAN, GET THIS MOTHERFUCKER OFF THE SCREEN.

The only good thing about the inclusion of Nazi’s after Stroheim’s initial sacrifice, is that we get to see the Pillar Man murk a shit ton of them on screen. Like, fuck yeah dude. A great way to power scale and show how powerful the Pillar Men are as antagonists, without me feeling bad that they killed a bunch of people to do so.

Anyway, that’s my 2 cents that nobody asked for. I still LOVE Jojo, I think it’s a masterpiece of its genre, but it’s because of my intense love for it that I criticize it’s missteps so heavily. I hope that my wording on this post is done well, I had to re-draft it a second time after accidentally deleting it once, so I have a feeling it’ll come off a bit scrambled.

That being said, thanks for the Ask!

[mint-yooxgi]

The Line Between “Inspiration” and Plagiarism.

I have been through a plethora of emotions recently, and this is not the first time I have felt this way about this specific situation with this specific author. As I sit here writing this, my heart is racing and my hands continue to shake. I am devastated. My heart is filled with anxiety. I have been made to feel guilty for being plagiarized.

But I think it’s fair to be honest with myself, and with all of you.

There have been many fics that have been written somewhat recently “inspired by” Hotel California. Normally, I don’t take issue with these types of things. It makes me happy to know my writing could inspire others. However, that being said, I take issue when my fic is stolen, and plagiarized in multiple ways.

There is only one fic in particular that stands out in my mind based on all of the similarities between my own and this supposed “inspiration” based fic. That fic is Inherited Demons by /senpai-of-doom.

I have been told that their other works are also quite similar to other authors, such as @hongism​ ‘s “Mist of Celeste” , @shadowynn​ ‘s “In love and lore”, and @chasingatinydream ‘s “Pirate King” fics. I am tagging the author’s here to let them know of the situation. They do not have to read this full post, but I feel they should be made aware that they could also be getting plagiarized by this account under the guise of simply being “inspired”.

Now, let me preface this by saying that, after the first ten chapter of their fic, they reached out to me multiple times about reading their little “inspiration” and I agreed. Somewhat reluctantly, I'll be honest, but I still agreed. The first maybe, two chapters or so, I didn’t notice anything too bad, but the more I read, the more horrible it made me feel.

There is nothing more devastating as an author than seeing someone plagiarize your work, or using your ideas and claiming them as their own. As the author of HC I spent over 6 months writing, planning, and pouring my soul into this fic, so of course I will be the most familiar with my story, it’s characters, and the scenarios within.

And here were the same characters, setting, and situations as in my fic, but taken by someone else as their own.

There were so many similarities, it was unbelievable to me; to me, there is a heavy difference between being “inspired” by something, and straight up taking someone else’s ideas and claiming they are your original work.

For example, an instance of inspiration would be my own scene in Hotel California where Yunho pulls OC out of the darkness of her own mind. If you’ve read that scene, you’ll be familiar with how a little orb of the OC’s soul appears to lead Yunho to where the OC is trapped and vulnerable in her broken state. 

I took inspiration from this scene from Demon Slayer, and the specific incident from Mugen Train Arc where a boy is within Tanjiro’s subconscious and is searching for his spirit core. Little glowing figures appear to lead this boy to the orb, so you can deduce here what specifics I took as inspiration.

Now, if you are unfamiliar with Demon Slayer, you may not have recognized that. Heck, if I hadn’t of mentioned this, would it have been obvious where I got the inspiration from?

To me, that is what inspiration means.

In terms of this specific fic, however, there were just too many similarities to be a coincidence of “inspiration”. Here are all of the similarities I discovered within the first ten (10) chapters alone. Please keep in mind these might not be in order of appearance within the fic, but they are there:

The very biggest one that stands out right away is the setting. It is clear from this authors note (see below) where the “inspiration” came from. Yes, I was credited, but when you work hard on creating something, and someone takes your cake and runs with it, it hurts. Even the descriptions of the rooms were similar to mine (also pictured below). I would like to add that i’m not even tagged in this particular chapter or note, just a link to my story. Also note the change in username in the screenshots. This has been bothering me since back when i first read it and came to all of these realizations, which i will also touch upon later.

Another glaringly obvious similarity were all of the things the demons were able to do, and all things related to them being demons. 

Their telepathy and certain powers were scarily similar.

The fact that they want the OC to become their “Queen”

The majority of their hobbies, which I will talk about in a separate point.

Having the eight of them be referred to specifically as “Demon Kings” of their realm

Being able to read OC’s mind, and subsequently attaching themselves to it and her to them.

How they all have a mental connection with the OC where they can converse with her in her mind

Now, onto the hobbies:

Yunho is a artist, just as HC!Yunho is, who has a sketchbook filled with drawings of the oc. Where have I seen that one before? (granted, this came up more in later chapters, but I thought it appropriate to put here)

Jongho likes to read and spend his time in the library. Hmm, kind of similar to a particular HC boy with the same name. Especially when the OC spends so much time with him reading... in the library...

Yeosang plays a specific melody for the OC that is “her melody”. Wow, I wonder if that’s similar?

Hongjoong is essentially a tailor, and creates outfits for the OC, and implies the OC will be receiving a crown/wearing one at some point. Switch him to Seonghwa and omg, Hello there Mars from HC!!!

Another similarity I noticed was how Yeosang was OC’s first. Her first love, the first one she has sex with, the first one she became closest to. I wonder who that could be in HC? Oh wait... it’s also Yeosang...

Oc gets trapped inside the mansion and specifically cannot leave, so she sort of barricades herself in her room while the boys take care of her. Hmmm, where have I seen that one before?

Not to mention how they seem to not be able to control their eyes shifting around the OC to start, leading to the oc to question their sanity, just like in HC

Don’t even get me started on Jongho and the library... but also, how Jongho is one of the first ones to become close to the oc over time

Now, the next few were some things I noticed in later chapter, but here’s why they’re so important. After reading the first ten chapters at the time, I reached out to the author and expressed my concerns over the many similarities there were that I noticed. I wanted to avoid conflict, and they were super understanding at the time, even going so far as to offer to change a few things around. I told them that as long as they properly credited me, it should be okay. 

I realize now I should have been honest.

It was, and never has been, okay with me that these similarities were there. I take full responsibility for my decision at the time, and I stand by it, as I never believed the situation would come to this. I was told the story was going to divulge from my own at that point and become something completely different, which to an extent, yeah, okay, it did in certain aspects. However, there were still similarities that came through. Even ones in more recent chapters drawing from my newer series, Morning Mist.

I also want to preface this by saying I don’t own certain nicknames/tropes, but when they are that specific to a character that is my own, and my own story, it feels personal when they are used. Especially when it is literally stated that their fic is “inspired” by my own.

Hwa’s very personal nickname he uses for the OC in my fic is “My Divine”. Not a very common nickname, as I've not seen it used often, and it’s special to him because it calls back to what he says to my OC in his tailor shop the very first chapter when OC tries on the dress. (Also, the heartfelt comfort scene in chapter 4). Well, Hwa might not be the one to use it in this fic, but it’s certainly used. By Yeosang. The full “My Divine”.

Similarity, “Wolfgang” was used to describe the SKZ gang in a very recent chapter of this fic. A term that is specifically dedicated to my dragon fic, Morning Mist, which also feels very pointed when used considering where the “inspiration” is coming from.

Additionally, the order that the OC “falls in love” with the demons follows the exact same order as HC. Yeosang, and then Mingi as the first two. Very similar not to notice as the author of my fic.

Also, the fact that their demon realm is undergoing a coup, which is, similarly, a huge plot of my own story.

I’ve had multiple people reach out to me in my discord about similarities they’ve noticed between this fic and my own. So, clearly, I'm not the only one noticing and thinking these things. If a reader is able to identify similarities, there has to be too many to be coincidence.

Edit 2: I have been informed that the original picture I had here depicting someone informing me of a scene they got confused with was not from this fic. I have subsequently removed it and would like to apologize for this specific case of miscommunication and misuse of information. 

Tonight, it was the last straw.

So, doing the responsible thing, I reached out to the author and expressed my honest feelings. I politely asked them to change the similarities, and to take down their work until the changes had been implemented. I even wrote out every single similarity for them because they asked.

I was met with hostility, and messages were made to guilt trip me for asking that my own work not be plagiarized. I am not going to bombard with screenshots of the conversation, but if anyone would like to see more than the one posted below, I will happily share the conversation with you. Just send me a message privately, and I'll show more. Please note, this is just one example from the conversation which appeared later in said talks.

Side note: the “I set the... original settings” comment completely contradicts what I have stated, and subsequently, what they had explained in their authors note, about the setting of the house being completely the same as in HC.

The only reason I had started getting tagged in this fic in the first place was because I told the author to credit me properly. Otherwise, I don’t know it I would have been.

As I'm typing this out, I have been informed that this author has made some posts regarding this situation. I would kindly ask you all not to stir the pot, or send any negative, or other, asks regarding this to them. The situation is handled in a way, and I'm hoping it does not escalate further from here.

I don’t necessarily appreciate the plagiarist playing the victim and acting like they did no wrong, so I'll end of with this specific picture of their most recent post, and a comment below:

Yes, fans should share ideas. However, when those ideas are stolen and plagiarized, the original author has every right to ask the plagiarist to change and/or take that story down. 

Being plagiarized like this does not make me want to share my ideas. It makes me never want to post on this account again.

From one author to another, I had hoped you’d understand.

[sophieswundergarten]

Chapter 20 of S.O.S.

I don't even know anymore

@nobodysdaydreams Here ya go

ALRIGHT LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I AM BOTH EXCITED AND TERRIFIED

WHOOOO!!!!!!!!!

First off, love the title, and it’s making me a little nervous because now I’m thinking about Chapter 1 being titled “The Price of Admission”

Oh dear. The way you describe the feeling and emotions and just overall sensations of what Constance is experiencing is already punching me in the heart

(Though the intro bit with Jeffer was quite funny)

THEY BOTH THINK IT’S LIKE WHEN THEY WERE KIDS. BUT THE ONLY THING STOPPING THAT FROM BEING REAL IS THAT NEITHER OF THEM LIKE THEMSELVES ENOUGH TO BE HONEST AND VULNERABLE. UNBELIEVABLE. I AM ALREADY CHEWING DRYWALL. MASTICATING.

Oooooooohhhhhhhhhh

You added to it. He hasn’t forgotten that Nathaniel is hurting people, he just thinks that he finally got through to him. Oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :( 

“The whole world felt so sunny. So vibrant. So full of humor and amusement. Had it always been this whimsically delightful? It must have been, but Nicholas felt as if he was seeing it for the first time. There was beauty everywhere. There was happiness everywhere. Nothing was too loud, nothing was too overwhelming, nothing was too anxiety provoking. For the first time in Nicholas’ life, everything in the world felt “just right”, and it was completely effortless.”

THIS IS A REALLY WELL-WRITTEN PARAGRAPH. BUT IT’S HORRIBLY JARRING BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I ALSO FEEL AS “JUST RIGHT”, AND I ALREADY KNOW IT’S BAD. I WOULD FALL FOR THIS SO EASILY OH MY WORD ASFJDSJKFDKJ

“His friends might have left him, but he finally had his brother back. Perhaps they really could work together like they used to. It had been so long.”

BODS CAN YOU HOLD BACK FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS???? I AM WRITING OMINOUS STICKY NOTES AND PLACING THEM ON EVERY MIRROR YOU HAVE

OH. THAT’S WHY THERE’S A HYPHEN IN THE TITLE. ADSKJFDSHKJDSKJF

CONSIDER ANY STRING YOU OWN CONFISCATED

And you’re still calling him “Curtain”. He’s still calling himself “Curtain”. He doesn’t think he (deserves) is that name anymore. And yet he calls himself “Nathaniel” in Chapter 1. Hmmmmm

Also. Calling the fact that he “allows” Nicholas to call him his given name as a “luxury” is hysterical and very on-point. You are so, so good at writing Curtain :) 

AHHHHHHH. THE CONFLICT IN POOR NICHOLAS’ BRAIN ABOUT HIS VARIOUS FAMILY MEMBERS

And then also Curtain continuing to not get it. Good gravy, man. PLEASE remember how to be a human being soon. You are hurting yourself so much :( 

(And. Also. Like. Several thousand people, not least your own brother. But, still.)

NUMBER TWO!!!!!

Oh heavens. I feel very bad for her. But she did escape! (Kinda)

And then Milligan. I want to give him a hug.

YEAH

I LOVE THIS PART. BECAUSE JUST WHEN YOU THINK CHAOS AND STRIFE HAS BEFALLEN THE TEAM THEY GET IT BACK TOGETHER AND IT’S GREAT

“for some reason Milligan took personal offense at the implication that educators were incapable, though he could not explain why”

I LOVE HOW INSTEAD OF DENYING THAT SHE STOLE IT SHE’S JUST LIKE “I paid for it. And I left a beautifully hand-crafted thank you note.” IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT IT WASN’T FOR SALE IN THE FIRST PLACE JASHJJDKJHFD

She really is ready to be part of the team

(Why is one of the bars you have to pass, like, Neutral Good committing of crimes??? Ajsdkjds)

Marlon /derogatory

OH NO

OH NOW IT’S THAT BIT

“I don’t see the problem” And Marlon just decides that it’s fine. I Do Not Like Him

AND HE’S SO MEAN TO JACKSON AND JILLSON

OH BOY. AND YOU’VE BROUGHT BACK THE MARTINA BETRAYAL. I’M SO WORRIED ABOUT THAT. GIVE THESE KIDS A HUG

“Someone’s finally at the wheel and all you can do is naysay,” the officer observed, “You sound like a person who, frankly, would benefit from time in Dr. Curtain’s program. Compulsory or not.”

Oh yikes. There’s the wheel motif again, and also that sounds incredibly threatening. YOU WOULD THINK THIS WOULD TIP HER OFF TO GET OUT OF THERE

There’s something so sad about Rhonda being terrified when Number Two missed the check in and now she’s trying to call Rhonda and no one’s there :( 

Adjfsdjfjdsjk

Miss Perumal trying to corral the children on the farm is a really entertaining mental image

OH. SHE’S TRYING TO CALL HER SISTER.

“You have reached the Two residence. We’re busy and aren’t available now or ever. Don’t expect an answer to your messages and don’t come to our house. We don’t want to buy anything, and we don’t want to meet any new people. Heaven knows you’d only abandon us just like everybody else and would probably try to steal from us too no doubt.” 

“This answering machine is full. Please call back later.”

Yikes. Ajkdfjdsfjkdsf The Two family has some issues

(But very nice job on writing that. It’s incredible)

“Milligan heroically threw his helmet and jacket into the motorbike.”

…“heroically”?

Akjfhjkdfkjds Very good choice of word! It just makes me think of how overdramatic the cinematography got whenever it was focussed on Milligan

FOUND CRIME FAMILY. IT’S OKAY AS LONG AS YOU PAY PEOPLE BACK AND LEAVE THEM NICE NOTES. AKJLFDSJKD

Milligan is amazing

JEFFERS

HE COLLECTS RECEIPTS

I love our sad little guy

Oh no. Oh no. Nicholas’ thoughts are fascinating and you write them really really well but also it always makes me legitimately want to cry

OH YEAH. THEY HAVE THE SAME VOICE. THAT’S PROBABLY SUPER CREEPY

Oh. And Number Two’s all alone now. I know she isn’t really his daughter in the Show, but, still. To be abandoned in such a scary situation…

“He was using addict speech. Saying “I need to stay in my brother’s evil cult, not because of the addictive happiness he gave me, but because it’s crucial to our mission” was just another form of “I need to drink, not because I’m addicted, but because it helps my anxiety and is really better for me if you think about it.” There’s always a justification for anything, so long as your brain is smart enough to think of it and clever enough to trick yourself into believing it. And unfortunately, Number Two knew from experience that Mr. Benedict was very smart and very clever indeed.”

Yeah!! And we get to see another bit of Bods’ psychology brain! I’ve been waiting to see what you had to say about this. So, so many thoughts

And the little snips of what’s going on with Jackson and Jillson. It keeps building in increments, and I really have no idea what it’s going to build to with your writing but I have no doubt it’ll be spectacular

Poor Jeffers adsfjsdjk

He’s trying his best

AND THE WAY THAT THEY ALL CROSS PATHS IN SUCH A WAY THAT THEY JUST MISS ONE ANOTHER

MARTINAMARTINAMARTINAMARTINAMARTINAMARTINAMARTINAMARTINAMARTINAMARTINAMARTINAMARTINAMARTINAMARTINAMARTINA

I’m glad that the coaches appreciate her, but also understand that she’s working through a whole lot

(If only they knew how much…)

Ah, yes. Stealing, bribery, breaking and entering, fraud, all of those things are totally fine. Underage driving, however? Unacceptable

Garrison is trying her very best. (Unfortunately for her, that’s not good enough for Constance adjsd)

IS SHE REALLY FEELING BAD ABOUT THIS?????

Somehow that’s really sweet because she does care enough to notice things, but also SHE’S A TINY CHILD. IT’S NOT HER FAULT

Oh. Even without her snark, she wouldn’t be comforted by a lot of toys because of the bad memories she has attached to them. She doesn’t trust them :( 

(I bet her family gives her a lot of unusual toys and puzzles, so she can view it as a challenge instead of being uncomfortable)

YOU DID THE THING AGAIN!!!!! YOU DID THE THING AND BROUGHT BACK THE SCENE WHERE THEY WERE ALL TALKING AND PLANNING!!!! I LOVE IT AND IT’S ALSO HEARTBREAKING. OH MY WORD THIS IS AWFUL AND I LOVE YOU

Oh good gravy. MILLIGAN.

The lot of them need to stop taking all the guilt in the world onto themselves. They are all so ridiculous

GARRISON NEEDS SOME HELP. IT’S NOT HER FAULT SHE’S VIOLENTLY UNCOMFORTABLY WITH CHILDREN

(Although I’d hazard a guess that her discomfort was seriously exacerbated after SQ’s parents died…)

“You need to choose better friends,” Constance suggested.”

YOU HAVE FORFEITED ALL RIGHTS TO YOUR CURTAIN RODS. I AM TAKING A SEAM RIPPER TO ALL OF YOUR PANT HEMS. YOUR WINDOWS HAVE BEEN HAPHAZARDLY COVERED IN BUTCHER’S PAPER AND SLOPPILY APPLIED DUCT TAPE

“Garrison frowned again. Kidnapping aside, there was no need for this child to be so rude.”

Garrison. You really would benefit from talking to another human being now and again (Or not have wiped your best years of social interactions from your brain)

““The ghost in the windmill. The dancer in the dark. You found a flaw,” said Garrison, spitting out the word “flaw” like it was filled with poison. “One that has kept me up every single night since and one that I can’t seem to replicate.””

HOW DO YOU WRITE SO PRETTY

AND ON TOP OF BEING REALLY FUNNY TOO

UM. DID GARRISON ACCIDENTALLY FORGET HER MORALS WHEN SHE STARTED LIVING IN A ROOT CELLAR? IS THIS BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T HAVE CURTAIN ANYMORE? KIND OF LIKE A “He’s so obviously insane that I must be the sane one to keep us on track” ONLY NOW SHE’S ON HER OWN????

Someone give her a hug

Oh, oh PLEASE let Number Two get in a fight with Marlon. She’d beat him so hard. And he’d deserve it

“Everyone barged into his office sooner or later to demand an explanation for things, and even if Curtain had not gotten better and better at correctly estimating one’s breaking point, the security cameras he installed around the compound certainly helped.”

SDFKJDjkdsfkjdj BODS

Also, Curtain, buddy, if you’re the common denominator in all these instances of people bursting into your office then maybe you might be the problem

“By “thing” you mean relieving him of the constant grip of existential angst?” Oh yeah, I would fall for this whole cult thing so very fast. I’m already a goner

YEAH. YEAH, CURTAIN, IT’S KIND OF WEIRD THAT YOU GUYS SEEK OUT SIMILAR FRIENDS. IT’S ALMOST LIKE YOU’RE SIBLINGS. AND YOU MISS EACH OTHER.

She’s so incredibly angry and scared and hurting and just  a tornado of emotions

And then Curtain’s just kinda. Sitting there. Placidly. (I would have snapped and punched him by now)

YOU BROUGHT BACK HER BOOK NAME!!!!!! I love you

SCREAMING SCREAMING CRYING

CAN YOU STOP TREATING HER LIKE A SUB-PAR GARRISON???? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD REMEMBER THAT’S SHE’S A REAL HUMAN, YOU BUFFOON!!!!!!

Good job. Steal his plates. He deserves it. (Maybe go after his floorboards next…)

Is… Is Auguste okay? He didn’t ever freeze on-screen, but I am quite concerned about him…

OH MY WORD CURTAIN CAN YOU STOP USING CHILDREN AS CONDUITS I AM GOING TO SCREAM

Oh no….

The panic and turmoil and poor Nicholas is caught in the middle. He’d feel bad even normally, but now everything’s all confused too

“Here, Nicholas wasn’t a burden to his friends”

SCREAMING

I AM TEARING INTO YOUR PILLOWS WITH MY BARE TEETH

LOSING MY MIND

(I’ll sanitise the remains after, I promise)

MARLON IS SO TERRIBLE

And poor Jackson and Jillson are getting a lot more scared…

“He was also very agitated at the idea that Dr. Curtain’s happiness was the cause of this, not only because it put his position in jeopardy, but also because Marlon himself had taken the happiness. Obviously, he wasn’t in danger of succumbing to anything like this (he wasn’t nearly as mentally weak as Sebastian or Paula), but the implication that something like this even could happen to him was a prospect that Marlon found insulting.”

He just keeps getting worse and worse. I am so upset with him. I can’t even like that he’s an intriguing antagonist, he’s just awful. (Although I will concede that you write him incredibly well and I am quite appreciative of how much you make me hate him)

AND GARRISON

I KNOW SHE’S TECHNICALLY A VILLAIN/ANTAGONIST BUT SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE HER

“I hope y'all are ready”???

“I hope y'all are ready”????????

YOU HOPE WE’RE READY?????????

READY FOR WHAT??????? Oh my goodness. I— I just— I have no words. I am screeching. Bods, there are so, so many things that happened in this chapter. I am so shaken up. I feel like my insides were in a blender. It’s so exciting to see all of these plot points and hints and through lines and motifs that you’ve been laying out and I am just over the moon about everything. You have created  a  n o v e l, and it’s gorgeous. I am disintegrating. I can feel my molecules breaking up. I read a book once where a lady cried acidic material and when she started sobbing she just sunk into a hole in the floor and that’s what I’m feeling right now.

I think I need a nap. I don’t have any idea how to articulate this. Just know that you’ve done amazingly. Just. You are absolutely incredible, my friend. I can feel these characters living and breathing in the letterings and you somehow make it new and fresh material every time, no matter the fact that I’ve seen the show or how often I’ve reread your work. Each of the characters takes on such a vibrancy of life and independence under your guidance, and I adore getting to “meet” them and learn how they work in your narrative. Just stupendous

[velvetcrowbar444]

@motherofvinegar tagged me to talk about 5 things i’m obsessed with at the moment :)))

1. playing my guitar

i’m pretty on and off with my love of playing, mostly just because my nails get too long :( but i’ve been picking it up more so recently as i realise it’s something that gives me a lot of happiness. there’s maybe three songs i actually know how to play from memory lol but i tend to just play what i’m interested in at the time. i’ve been playing lots of elliott smith and morrissey at the moment and death by a thousand cuts by taylor is super fun, also the acoustic version of lavender haze is soooo enjoyable and satisfying:)))

2. collecting more religious paraphernalia

over the past few years or so i’ve become more increasingly interested in catholicism and my love for jesus just grows every day. i’ve found that i tend to turn to religion without even trying and i know that i am so blessed and god truly does have a plan for me :’) i would love a collection of rosaries, i think they are so beautiful and i’ve been practicing praying them for a while now. i just acquired a lovely white and gold bible from my grandmother and it’s gorgeously illustrated. i would like to study it more, but i think that’s a plan for the future

3. fall out boy

god my fob obsession with never die. just seeing them playing together again and being so happy doing it makes me so so happy and i am unbelievably excited to see them in october. it really will be a dream come true :)) i’m praying for them to play xo, but i’m not sure if i could deal with hearing that song ( i would pass away instantly). i will never get tired of their music and it will always be my favourite thing in the world. i love them all so dearly and they mean so so much to me :’)

4. sharp objects

again, my love this show/book will never wane. i’m rewatching it at the moment… when really i should be writing my essay about it. oops. camille really is me fr. i can’t even put into words my thoughts and feelings about it because my love is so intense. just everything from gillian flynn’s word choice, the way she creates her narratives and the relationship between camille, amma and adora is just !!!!!!!! amma just fascinates me and i can’t help but just love her!!! evil bitches keep winning

5. learning forgiveness, acceptance and being able to move on

forgiveness is such a powerful and complicated thing, and of course there will be things that you cannot forgive. for me, it’s been going back on forgiveness that i have extended to people… when i really shouldn’t have. but i know better know!! and i’m growing as a person and i couldn’t be happier about it. learning that i’m not a bad person, my mental illnesses don’t make me a bad person. i have experienced horrible horrible things, and i deserve forgiveness, love and acceptance!!! something that had been so hard for me is being able to move away from things that do not serve me because of a fear of being abandoned. but i’m getting there and i’m trying, and that’s what matters.

@sxphiamustdie @sigmabateman no pressure!!! do it if you like :))

[askthepsychic]

A moment later, Rey becomes aware of another mental pattern joining theirs, coming into being behind her. She quiets her thoughts to listen to the new arrival more closely.

“What? What is this? This… this isn’t just a dream anymore, is it? I feel something. Something… familiar. Like a half forgotten friend from a long time ago. Wait… is this��.MAGIC?!”

Rey can’t help but smile. “That’s right. Your world doesn’t have true magic, does it?”

“No. Um, who are you. The memories are all becoming as clear as day again, but your voice isn’t in any of them.”

Rey sighs. “My name is Rey. This is the first time we have met, Megan Williams.”

Megan sighs “I see. But it’s actually Megan Richards now. Rey, can I ask… is everything okay there? I mean, it’s been a long time, but normally a surprise visit like this meant trouble. I’m perfectly ready to rush to the defense of you all again like I always did back then if I need to.”

Rey sighs. “I see. You really are that sort of person. I’m really happy to know that wasn’t exaggerated. You truly were what they needed back then.”

Megan is silent a moment. “Back then? Heh. Suddenly I get the feeling that you aren’t here to invite me for a visit or to ask me to rescue you. Rey. I… I want to know. How long ago was… back then on your end?”

Rey sighs. “I knew from the moment I was enlisted to participate in this that you would ask. Just as those who enlisted me knew I would answer. Megan. Steel yourself. Grasp my left hand if you’re ready.” When Rey feels Megan’s hand grasping hers, she says “for us, it has been… more than six… millennia since you were last here.”

Megan sighs. “I… I’m not going back again, am I?”

Rey sighs “the world you knew. The world I know. Though they are the same in terms of planet, they are still very different places. I’m sorry, Megan, but… I must be blunt and inform you that the world I know has no place for you.”

Rey can feel Megan nodding in understanding. “I get it. Some things have just changed too drastically to allow for me anymore. Then there’s just one more thing I want to ask before you tell me why you’ve contacted me. My ponies. The ones I knew back then. What happened to them after the link was destroyed?”

Rey smiles. “You would’ve been proud of them Megan. Losing you, instead of breaking them, galvanized them to find their own strength. They took that moment to heart and used it to motivate themselves so they could become stronger than they had ever been before, building the basis of a kingdom on the broken pieces of that link. They rose up and never looked down. Rushed forward and never looked back. If ever they spared a moment to think of what had been, it was only to motivate themselves to do better again.”

Megan says “enough. You’re absolutely right, Rey. I’m… unbelievably proud of them. I spent so many nights haunted by nightmares of so many different worst case scenarios. I still have nightmares now. Horrible visions of ways they could have suffered without me or… the Rainbow. Of course. That’s why this is happening tonight isn’t it? You or your recruiters have somehow crafted a method to bring the Rainbow of Light back to your world, haven’t you?”

Rey nods “that’s right Megan. But to forestall any sort of anger you might feel from that, I want to point out that along with restoring an ancient defense to ourselves, there is a consideration for you as well. Your world has no true magic of its own. The Rainbow of Light is an incarnation of pure magic. There could be… issues born of these two facts.”

Megan nods, “right. A world without true magic would have no ability to defend itself from any effects the presence of a powerful magical force could cause. But really, that’s not even a shadow of a consideration for me. You see, when the Rainbow Bridge shattered, and I was left holding the Rainbow of Light with no way to get it back to you, I made an oath to myself. Even if I could never go back, I would still, with no hesitation, return the Rainbow to you the first chance I got. And this is starting to seem like a really good chance to do just that. Tell me what to do.”

Rey smiles. “You may have noticed I specified that you grasp my left hand to let me know you’d braced yourself. I specified the left because the right is enchanted with a powerful transportation spell, capable of carrying one thing from one world to another. If you place the Rainbow of Light in my right hand, that’ll be it. It will leave your world and return to this one. However, you do realize that doing this will mean surrendering the last link to this world that you have, correct?”

Megan is once again silent for a moment, then says “it doesn’t belong to me. I may have wielded it the most often, but it belongs to you. It always has. I’ve come to terms with what fulfilling my oath would mean. Rey, hold your right hand out to me.”

Rey does, then feels something get placed into her hand. When she looks, she can’t help but marvel at how some of the greatest powers in existence can manifest in such simple items.

As Rey looks at the locket holding the Rainbow of Light, a small burst of light emits from her hand. Nyx says “with that, the Rainbow should now reappear in your hand back in our world, Rey.”

Megan, hearing the other voice, chances a look around and smiles, seeing the two ponies. “You never really know how much you really care about someone or something until you realize just the sight of them is enough to make you happy. I don’t recognize either of you, but just seeing ponies again even if it’s the last time still makes me smile.”

Luna bows to Megan “Megan. We have much we owe you for. This act of prevention against eventual calamity isn’t nearly enough to repay you, but I fear it will be all we will ever be able to do. Please, forgive this poor show of gratitude.”

Megan smirks, tilting her head and crossing her arms. “Okay, you have got to be some sort of princess or something. The way you talk, dead giveaway. Although, I’m not quite sure what kind of pony you are. I remember ponies with wings and ponies with horns, but not ponies with both.”

Nyx smiles “we are alicorns. Speaking in terms of attributes, we are a unified form of the other three pony tribes. Pegasi, unicorns and earth ponies all in one.”

Megan tilts her head. “What about sea ponies? Flutter ponies? Has something happened to them?”

Luna sighs. “I believe it may now be time to reveal to you that at some point in the past, earth ponies, unicorns and pegasi began feuding with each other. This was eventually resolved… but the cost of the feuding eventually consumed Dream Valley. The kingdom we live in now, Equestria, is in an entirely different region. Much was lost when Dream Valley was consumed by the Wendigo’s curse, the flutter ponies included. As for the sea ponies, it had been some centuries since our last open communication with them. They have become a secretive tribe, allowing only occasional visits to their undersea domain at the best of times. As we must wait for them to contact us in order for communication to begin, diplomacy proceeds at a slow crawl at best. I don’t begrudge them their secrecy, but I would hope we could be more united in the future,”

Megan nods. “I’m with you on that. But I can’t help but notice this group dream deal seems to be getting less defined. I think I better let you go before you hurt yourselves.”

Luna nods. “Once more, I want to apologize that we can’t do more to thank you, Megan. That being said…”

“WAAAAAAIIIIIITTTTTT.”

(Picture found on deviantart. Artist https://www.deviantart.com/starbat )

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30, 2003 Although only a third of the year has passed, I’m sure April 30th will always be the best day of 2003. Yes, I have some absolutely shocking, mind-boggling, unbelievably fantastic news – I’m off probation!!!!! This is it, it’s over! After 6 months in jail, 100 hours of community service, a slew of therapy appointments, God knows how much money, 47 reports and 11 home visits, my life now belongs to me! Me! As in never with them, never with me! Never ever again will anything we do have any connection to them! They don’t own me anymore! They really don’t! I wasn’t dreaming. That call I thought would never come really did come! It came just shy of 12 hours ago. I was too excited to write, although I was up several hours afterward, unable to sleep due to the excitement and shock. When I finally did fall asleep, I thought I’d sleep forever, but woke up just under 6 hours later. It’s all the excitement for sure.

It wasn’t even quite 6:30 this morning when I heard the phone ring from my office. Tom had gone to bed two hours earlier and I wanted to grab the phone before it woke him. At that hour I figured it had to be Paula calling to tell me the reason I hadn’t heard from her was that I was right about her ending up in jail. Instead, I walked up to the phone and saw Pinal County on the ID box. With my now quickened heartbeat, I picked up the phone.

It was Scot. “Have you heard the news?” he asked me.

Although I said, “No, what’s wrong?” my mind said, “What bullshit are they accusing me of now?” I mean, at that hour he could’ve been calling to tell me to expect to be arrested for all I knew, or even that threats were made against me. I just didn’t know. There wasn’t enough time between when I picked up the phone and when we started talking for all the possible horrible scenarios to play through my mind. Nonetheless, that was when he told me I was off probation as of the 23rd and that the judge designated it a misdemeanor. He said the state objected, but oh well, the judge signed me off anyway and I don’t have to come and see him. So I’ve been off probation for a week and didn’t even know it. Hell, the welfare bums probably knew it before I did!

All I could do was say, “Oh my God, oh my God!” Then I thanked him for the great news and told him to have a good life.

“Okay,” he said, and we hung up at which time Tom stumbled out of the bedroom. He was just as shocked and as happy as I was, but we both wondered why I didn’t get any kind of a letter about it. He thinks it may be because they have to update our new PO Box address. I guess the news was just faxed into Scot’s office, too.

This is what I mean when I say I couldn’t tell you if you were going to win the lottery, but I could probably tell you if you were going to be hurt or something. I can sense and do negative, but not positive. I can’t heal you if you’re sick, but could probably make you sick if you pissed me off enough. I had no idea that this was coming! I was totally caught off guard. Totally! I really expected no breaks or shortcuts with the sentence length whatsoever with this shit after seeing them play the jail part up to the max like they did and so much more. So now I’ll have all these meaningless numbers on my calendar for the next 6 months!

I had to laugh at how I wrote on the 16th that I woke up thinking I had 13 more reports when I really had 6. Well, I had even less than that now, didn’t I?!

Before he called I was sitting there thinking that it was 4 years ago since we lived with the welfare bums and how appalled and shocked I was to know that fate could be so determined to have it be that they were still with me in such a huge way. I swear, though, nobody will ever tell me what to do again! Nobody! I will be no one’s puppet, slave, scapegoat, opportunity, punching bag or source of money. I will be the adult that I am and never again be reduced to being made to feel like a child all over again. No one will ever have such a fierce hold on me again. I will not be used or abused by anyone like that again, and believe me, these people are runners-up to my parents who fucked me over the most in life, along with the Amy Ks, Donna As, Margaret Ms, and Barbara Ds of Valleyhead and Brattleboro.

I laughed upon remembering Scot telling me around last August or so that I’d be celebrating come Halloween of next year. Wrong, honey, I’m celebrating now! Right now. Oh yes, we’ll go to Red Lobster or do something real soon, but the main celebration is in my heart and mind. The relief and happiness of knowing I’m now, finally, after 7 long years, free of these sick fucks forever, is indescribable. I am a little worried about God sending me a new long-term problem and their reaction to the early release, though. I mean, they must know, right? And if they do, they gotta be fuming. Utterly furious out of their minds! The control they had for so long is now gone, and with people like that, there’s no saying what they may do. However, being the wonderful doom psychic that I am, I’m happy to report no bad vibes. Who knows, with all the spells I’ve been casting upon them they just may be too ill to be mad in the first place. We’ll still at least get the fences up ASAP, though I certainly don’t have to worry that Scot may wake me up tomorrow! There is no such thing as “prime time” anymore. No, 10 AM is just that – 10 AM. And so is 11 AM, noon, 1 PM, 2 PM, etc. The hours of 10 AM - 2:30 PM no longer have any special meaning of any kind and the only thing leftover from this horrid nightmare is a good thing and that’s Mary G. Mary G, who’s now going to send Teddy Bear her “piece of mind” letter which I’ve sent to her along with the wonderful news.

There I was telling Mary not to count on any breaks from judges, but who knows now? Maybe a miracle will come her way, too. She can use this to hopefully encourage her.

The thing I’m dying to know is which judge signed me off. Could it be the same hateful, monstrous, ruthless Judge H? That’d be hard to believe. I mean, it’d take a major personality change on his part to have an ounce of compassion for me, a Jew. I wasn’t only a Jew, I was a Jew with a black against her in a state where they’re as adored as they are loathed in a place like Texas. If I don’t receive anything in the mail, we’ll get a copy of the fax from Scot. In fact, I’ll leave a message on his answering machine because I’m really curious to see who was present when this went before the judge. I’d pretty much bet that everyone who was at the sentencing was there except for the public defender. If it was Judge H that set me free, I still resent him greatly. I mean, yes it’s great that he finally did the right thing, but he’s two years too late. He could’ve stopped it right there on October 30th of ‘00 and he had every right to do so, but he didn’t, so he hasn’t won any gratitude or admiration from me, that’s for sure. Nothing can change what’s been done to me. Things have been done to help along the way and now I’ve been given a break, but it can’t undo the past 2½ years. I will never forget. I will never forgive. Forgiving has been my downfall in the past. Something I’ll never again be suckered into doing so as not to be fucked with all over again, but they can’t fuck with me all over again. Not legally anyway. There’s no way they could appeal and reinstate the probation as far as I know. The judge is God from start to finish. What he says goes, like it or not, and once again, I know those assholes do not like it. Not one bit. Tough shit, though. Yeah, you lose, you mother-fucking, scum-sucking welfare bums, you lose! Your days of victimizing me are forever over!

Speaking of God, do I have any gratitude for him now? Nope. Once again, he never should’ve let this happen in the first place. He could’ve protected me and spared me the hell I’ve been through, but he didn’t.

Tom thinks that Scot might’ve known something was going to happen and that that’s why he cut my reports. Well, he didn’t act like he knew anything was up, though I was shocked as hell that he cut my reports. I wonder, though, would this have happened anyway? Or was it because of Scot’s recommendation?

It wouldn’t surprise me if I made the papers again with the media crying out about how the poor, poor welfare bums got such a raw deal in life, screwed over once again by the “white man.” Wouldn’t that be funny? Yeah, Channel 3, wanna come ask me if I’m a racist now? Hey, I don’t discriminate, I hate everyone equally!

After Tom went back to bed, I paced throughout the house grinning like a mad idiot. I laughed and cried tears of joy and relief for hours.

The welfare bums’ money that wasn’t supposed to go to us till November will go to us in May and instead of $40 a month for each of us, we’ll have $60, plus grocery savings. Now’s when they might try to sucker a few extra bucks out of us, but we’ve got receipts to protect ourselves from this greedy, fraudulent state.

I hope I don’t get a letter saying I can do jury duty now that I’m not a little “felon” anymore, but that’s the least of my worries. I’ll still get out of it if I do. I just want to go one full year without hearing from these welfare bums and from Teddy Bear (I never thought I’d say that!), but I’ll settle for not hearing from them for just the rest of the year. I think that may be enough to reassure and console me.

We’re down to watering the plants every other day now to let their roots get established. Tom says that about 4 of the elms are finally starting to sprout leaves. I just hope the sister olies don’t take forever to grow so we can back up anything that dies with those. Once there’s a house to the north of us, it shouldn’t cost any more privacy than next door does, but we’ll lose a hell of a lot of it once there’s a house in front, so we’ll know just what to plant then. I doubt the Sharons will get high enough to give us whatever privacy they do steal.

TUESDAY, APRIL 29, 2003 I didn’t fall asleep till I’d been up for 18 hours which came to 7 AM. It was that old stress and anticipation thing of the possibility of the welfare bums waking me up. I don’t know where or when we’ll move next, but next time they ain’t coming with us! With tomorrow being Wednesday, I get a day off from them. Things are still going well with the truck, so I’m still hopeful that we can have them fenced out real soon.

Tom ran into the guy who sold us the trucks at the post office. Now the cock’s claiming he’s now got the title for the green truck. What lovely timing, huh? Tom’s going to pick it up sometime soon, but I think he’s just playing games. Why didn’t he call if he really got the title? If he does have it, we could then sell the green truck if we wanted to.

Tom showed me a picture of Meagan and Stacie. Yup, they definitely look the part. Totally not my type. Too young and with hair way too short. The kind that to me, belongs on a man only.

I guess a part of me does wish I could live a double life with the man I love that I live with and that’s my friend whom I share my life with, then with a woman on the side that I have wild, passionate sex with, but I know this is purely a fantasy that could never come true. Besides, I just may end up feeling all bad and guilty and like a little cheat, even though Tom and I are platonic.

Tom found me the best program yet for making stills. I’ve been Kate capturing away like crazy. Little by little, we’ll be burning the best episodes on CDs.

Got a letter from Mary who says she’s still taking classes, and yes, it’s their policy that they leave their envelopes open, though she’s not worried about it and neither am I. What I am worried about is the fact that she says she hasn’t gotten the rest of her story I sent, along with her poems and affirmations. She should’ve gotten them by now. We’ll give it another couple of weeks or so, then I’ll send it again if I have to. She hasn’t said she’s missing any letters, though.

She enclosed a note to send to Chuck, which I did, along with a copy of a computer joke I recently sent her.

She also enclosed quite an extensive commissary list. They sell Tampax and even clothes! Despite all they sell, though, they do not sell radios which really sucks. Especially when you have a loud, rude roommate like she says she’s got. At least they remodeled and put in a library.

I was surprised to hear that although there’s a tower in the center like M Dorm and A Tower had, they only walk through a few times a day when they do headcounts.

But what if someone needs something or gets sick? Especially those in PC?

SUNDAY, APRIL 27, 2003 The first CA episode has been successfully burned but I haven’t tried it out yet on my computer.

Tom, who once again spent the day working on the truck, said all is going well. In a couple of hours, he’ll know if we’re gonna need Dave or not to haul the fences. I hope not as I don’t want to have to see Mary, who can’t seem to let Dave go anywhere alone. Especially here. If he comes out, she comes out.

The doll was ordered, but there was no express delivery available on that particular item. They told us 6-8 weeks, but in the past, most of their dolls took about 3 weeks to get to me via regular delivery so maybe this one will, too.

SATURDAY, APRIL 26, 2003 Fortunately, Tom woke up just fine. It’s a damn good thing too, since I can’t seem to influence us physically.

Tom worked on the truck all day which he says is going well. He went to bed a few hours after I got up, leaving his computer to convert one of my CA episodes to fit onto a CD. They’re 4 times too big for a CD in the format they’re currently in.

This weekend we’ll be ordering the Spirit of the Snowy Owl Indian doll.

FRIDAY, APRIL 25, 2003 Looks like the welfare bums are going to get us both sick this time around. Yes, unfortunately, Tom has the same sore throat I had which really sucks. See, I knew for two reasons that I didn’t get what I had from him. First, it was too many days after he got sick that I got sick, and coincidentally, I got sick right after seeing Scot, so that’s the second time those welfare bums have gotten me sick and now he’s sick, too. The cold he had was fairly easy on him, but this won’t be. If it is the same thing, he’s really in for a hell of a long, sore throat, the poor guy! Like I said, I really thought I was infected.

Anyway, even though I’d had just 6 hours of sleep and woke up tired, I couldn’t go back to sleep. It didn’t take me long to perk up, though. I watered the plants and did some cleaning. Soon, I’ll exercise.

As I figured would be the case, Scot didn’t show up. No, he’s going to wait till I’m asleep or at least till we’re both home. I wasn’t kidding when I said God really wanted to use these welfare bums to whip my ass good with. So much so that I still don’t know to this day how I managed to get out of the work and class issue, much less get the privilege of now only having to report just once a month.

Tom didn’t get to the racetrack today. Instead, he went shopping. He hit the mall and checked out a used car sale, as well as bought some things we needed around the house. He even got a cheap cell phone for us to try out. If we like the service, we’ll get an additional phone and shut down the regular one.

THURSDAY, APRIL 24, 2003 I feel much more alive today even though I only slept for about 6 hours. Perhaps that’s because I spent a lot of time resting when I wasn’t sleeping. That sure was one weird cold, if that’s what it was, to be concentrated on my throat like that. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a fierce and long sore throat like that before.

Tom bought and planted the 8 olies, but for some reason (I’ll have to ask him when he gets up), he planted them a little differently than I asked him to. They still look really good. He still thinks the bougies will flourish within a year, but that’s hard to believe.

Later…

Tom said that the reason he planted the olies like he did was that they’re different than the other ones we’ve got. They’re called something like Sister Agnes and are supposed to grow 20’ tall. If only we’d planted just those and not bothered with the regular olies and the elms which don’t seem to be doing well. Neither do the tulip trees and lavender bush I thought I brought to life. It sure seemed like I had anyway. This was why we did this experiment, though; to see who does well and who doesn’t so we know what to get next spring.

How I wish Scot would show up tomorrow (preferably after I’ve gotten up) so I can get my chance to say no, since I know he’s coming back at least once more! This is because Tom will be out all day so at least the car won’t be here. I know he won’t stop by tomorrow, though. God would never be that nice to me.

I decided to concentrate on the list of dolls I want to get that I have made up rather than go to that doll store. At least for now I’m going to. However, I am going to go to the store Tom got these olies from because he says they have a good selection of indoor plants.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2003 The good news is that my sore throat is gone so I was able to cancel my appointment, but the bad is that I just can’t seem to perk up and get my energy back. I’m so run down and groggy. Although I slept many hours, I kept waking up constantly, even though I knew there could be no sleep interference from the welfare bums since it was Wednesday. The welfare bum stress is on for tomorrow and the next day, though. This is fucking insane, too! I mean, it’s just like in Phoenix where I’d go to bed all stressed out in anticipation of them possibly waking me up. I swear they moved right along with us and I feel like I am never ever going to wiggle free of the hold they’ve had on me for what seems like centuries! Is there really such a thing as a life without the welfare bums waiting for me in 187 days? I tell myself to relax and that it’s only a little sleep I might lose, but it’s the whole point. You know, who it stems back to – them. Always “because of them.” I still don’t have any bad vibes, but once we get to around August, on out through the rest of the year, is when we’ll want to be cautious and observant.

These drafts of Mary’s are the best written yet. I got quotes on spoken things, periods where they’re supposed to be, etc. It sure does make it easier on my part.

Tom’s going to take one of the 3 days off he has coming up to go to the track. It’s been years since he’s been to that horseracing track. He was once an excellent handicapper. I have a vibe he may win about $40, but it’s shaky since it’s a positive vibe.

TUESDAY, APRIL 22, 2003 No Scot this week so far. I still have a feeling God’s going to make sure I’m woken up at least once more before this shit is finally over. I just hope the fence is up soon enough and that we’re not open house to these welfare bums for too many more weeks!

My throat has been horrible. I know something up there wants me to be a major appointment junkie. All my life I’ve had a slew of appointments for various things. I’ve had more appointments than most people twice my age will ever have. Again, I got what I asked for. I really meant it when I said I’d rather be sick or injured than abused by others where there’s no fighting back and since it seems to be one or the other, that’s where I’m at right now; looking at the end of my healthy days. So, although I was determined to fight it at first and not give it what it wants, I had to break down and have Tom make an appointment for me because I think I need antibiotics. When I got up today I thought I might be on the mend, but then my throat started getting bad again. If come late tonight I think I am going to get better on my own, I’ll cancel the appointment.

I’ve been sleeping in spurts because of the pain. I fell back asleep this morning for a few hours without shutting the bedroom door or turning the fan on and never heard Tom come in, make something to eat, then the doctor’s appointment! Guess I must’ve been that out of it.

The mannequin company I called and left a message about as far as a price goes finally called back. The mannequin of theirs I liked is $1,080. No thanks! I also got an email from the one regarding another one I asked about and they’d be willing to ship to me, too. At least this one would be just $335. It’s nice to know where I can shop online for one, but I still hope to check them out in person eventually. There’s a doll store I stumbled upon online in Phoenix that we may check out sometime soon, too.

I got 5 envelopes from Mary today with letters and 22 pages of drafts. She’s lonely and tired and it’s very noisy where she is. Her dorm is overcrowded with 3 to a cell. It’s like A Tower and then some! I’d PC myself for damn sure and not give a damn what others thought of it. Her celly stole her brush and I’m sure they’re all begging up a storm.

Anyway, I’ll get working on her book stuff soon. As for my book, I don’t know where I’m heading with that. I’ve been too sick and too lazy to work on it lately. I might have myself get framed when I get released and have Kate help me get out of it, or maybe I’ll turn her into an obsessive psycho that I end up on the run from. I asked Mary for her opinion.

SUNDAY, APRIL 20, 2003 I’ve continued to have a sore throat off and on since Friday when I first got sick. I don’t know if this is from Tom or compliments of the welfare bums, meaning something I caught when I went to see Scot.

Speaking of those welfare bums, I’m so sick of being stressed out on account of them! Always with them, always with me. It never fucking ends! I’m back to stressing out all over again about the prospect of being woken up ever since I last saw Scot and he mentioned stopping by. Not knowing if he’s going to get carried away with that or not doesn’t help either, though I’d still rather he come here than me go there since I can ignore him here. The question is how long will he stand out there knocking? He’s never struck me as a very smart guy, so the thought of the possibility of us being picked up isn’t going to cross his mind for a second. He’s going to know damn well we’re in here, but hey, it’s our house so we’ll decide when and who visits. I’m not going to sit and worry about how he’s going to take being ignored. He’ll just have to live with it and learn how to handle it if he does get ignored and not make trouble for me if he doesn’t want us making trouble for him.

This is what I mean when I say that every time I think the welfare bums are done with me in some particular way, I come to find that they’re not. Instead, God wants me woken up at least one more time for old times’ sake, and I know those fences aren’t going to be up by mid-May. Almost all our plans either fall through or are delayed. Days turn into weeks which turn into months, sometimes even years. The fences won’t be up before June. Of that I’m sure. That’s okay, though, because another thing I’m sure of is that those welfare bums can’t own me and my life forever. Someday I’ll break free of them. Someday. There’ll really truly come a day when nothing that happens to me could possibly be because of them. Right now, though, and ever since God damned us with these people in ’96, almost everything is “because of them,” as my poem says. How I wish I could kidnap and torture the welfare bums and everyone else involved in ruining my life since we moved for every year they tortured me! But I could never do any such thing and God will continue to protect them all, blessing them with good health, happiness, love, money, success and everything they don’t deserve.

This sore throat is unbelievable. It’s so bad and I wonder when it’ll end. I usually only get a sore throat for a day, if even that, when I get colds. The rest of the cold’s been easy. No congestion, coughing or sneezing, just head pressure and fatigue. I’m still a bit weak to work out, too.

I’m now 90% sure I won’t be getting a kiln. Yes, I’d like to make dolls and maybe sell them too, but if I were meant to generate money, I’d be doing it by now. I was meant to cater to others for free, sometimes at my own expense. Also, I still fear the breakage curse and then there’s his lack of time to deal with, too. He’s not going to be leaving that bank before the year’s out and whenever he does, I’m sure the new job will be just as demanding. If I’m right about him being cursed with jobs and meant to have little free time, as is obviously the case, then while the new job might be closer, it’ll still demand a lot of his time. Maybe when he’s retired and the bulk of the home improvement jobs are done wherever we are at that time, we can get the kiln. For now, I don’t want one because I can save up for dolls a lot easier these days. My only concern will be what to do with my life when not working for Mary, but hey, it’s better than having no life at all or being miserable.

My current plan is to get that Indian doll I want. I’m only $40 away now. Then I’ll get a few mugs, the ballerina ornaments and Dalene. This shouldn’t take till November to get, so I’ll probably get something after Dalene, but come November is when I’m going to start saving for the mannequin which I should have by January. After that is when I’ll start saving for the dolls which are around $250.

Damn, my throat hurts! I hope to hell something up there isn’t trying to get me sick enough to have to make an appointment for this shit to make up for the lack of cheek trips. Just why are appointments so important to whatever’s up there anyway? If I do have to go to a doctor, though, I’ll be getting just what I asked for, in a sense. I did, after all, beg God to curse me with illness/injury versus other people for a change if he has to see me suffer.

FRIDAY, APRIL 18, 2003 Last night I awoke with a terribly sore throat. I haven’t had a throat this sore in well over a decade. I don’t think I have a cold, though. I feel like all I have is a bad sore throat and I’m tired, too. That’s because I only slept from midnight to 3:00, then from 5:00 to 7:00. I doubt I’d have slept much past 9:00 as a big boom shook the closet door in its frame right about then.

Again, we didn’t get any plants because Walmart didn’t have a good selection. Tom said that on Monday he’ll get them from Home Depot. They didn’t have any fake or real indoor plants I liked, and they also had a shitty shoe and Barbie selection.

I did get a packet of 3 pink water lilies for our future pond if we ever really do get around to making one, colored paper, pet food, and a few other household things.

They didn’t have any adult clothes that interested me, so I hit the girl’s section. I got a tie-dye shirt that fits perfectly, and a pair of lavender shorts with embroidered flowers and butterflies that’s too small. I’m pissed, too! I should’ve tried the damn things on. Perhaps my future mannequin can wear them. I hate it, though, when people don’t answer my phone calls or email. All I want is a fucking price and nobody will give me one! I think it’s mostly because most of these places don’t want to sell to individuals. They want to sell to companies.

Tom says he thinks the fences will be all done by the second week in May. Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it. He said that by next weekend he’ll know if there are to be any serious delays with the truck switchover and will ask Dave to haul in the wire and gate for us.

Tom saw a snake yesterday, so winter is officially over.

We talked about the different mannequin sites I’ve checked out and decided that we just may very well go to California. No one sells mannequins in Arizona that we could find, so we might go to this place in San Francisco that sells used ones way cheap. That way I can see exactly what I’m getting and can get out of shipping/handling costs. When we’re there we may stop in to see Steven and Carol. They’re cool, though I’ve only seen them a few times. I didn’t realize it was only 10-12 hours from here to there if you stick to the freeway! This won’t be till the end of the year or the beginning of next, though. Around November is when I’ll start saving a few hundred for it. However, I know how our plans tend to fall through, so if January becomes March which becomes May, etc., I’ll just order online.

THURSDAY, APRIL 17, 2003 I really don’t like having the anticipation of Scot stopping by slapped back on me. I don’t know what’s worse – actually being woken up by him or going to bed when I’m on nights with the stress of the fact that the possibility is there. Nonetheless, I’m still so psyched that I only have to go to him 6 more times! This is the first time in two years with just one appointment a month! I’m afraid God will compensate Miss Queen of Appointments here and give me others. As it is, we really do need to find me a decent specialist to clean this ear out. They can do it in one swipe, but we can’t. We don’t have the proper tools and knowledge.

I knew ever since I got out of jail that the fences wouldn’t be allowed by fate to be up till we got down to within the last 6 months. The more I came to believe that last August was his last visit, the more I began to wonder why, but now I know. It’s because God’s not done bringing the black’s shit to the home front. Even so, I’ve resigned myself to 3 things. One is that I will not open the door if he comes knocking when I’m asleep. Two is that I’m going to make the next home visit where I’m awake the last one. After that, I will no longer answer the door to Scot B awake or not simply because it’s not necessary. I am not a criminal! Third is that I’m considering myself to have just 5½ months to go of this shit. In my mind, I’m done doing business with Scot on October 2nd, my final report date. I take that back, we’re not finished with each other that day in my mind, but in reality! That means I will not be accepting any house calls, phone calls, etc., pertaining to these welfare bums once we reach that date.

Never again will I allow myself to be taken for the ride of my life like I was. I won’t even allow myself to be screwed over even just a fraction of the degree that I was.

Yesterday was the first time the cat let me pat him. It is a male, though he’s not as fat as he looks. I still think he’s a stray like 90% of the animals are in this town. Tom said he’s seen dog catchers out and about. I’m sure they’ve got their work cut out for them big time! In Phoenix, however, they have super strict laws about loose dogs. They have super strict laws about everything!

I siphoned the fish tank yesterday and it’s almost as filthy as the big tank was when I cleaned it out and moved everybody. I’m thinking that most of the fine brown particles aren’t all shit and food, but rather coming from the clumps of dirt the live plants live in. I put them in with the bettas since I change every drop of their water. With the tank, I just go down to about 3”.

I watered the plants then got my shower out of the way before I knew I’d be on the welfare bums’ clock, though I shouldn’t have. I should just live my life as if they truly are done with me on the home front, and who knows? Maybe Scot will never put his actions where his mouth is, though I wouldn’t count on it.

I just hope it won’t be long before the fences are up!

Later…

Since I really do want a mannequin quite bad and have found one I really like, I think I’ll get her after I get just a few more things. I’ll squeeze her in the middle of my list. I’ve decided to drop Sydney, too. I’ll get the Indian doll I’m currently saving for, my mugs, the ballerina ornaments, and Dalene, then I’ll save for the mannequin.

One of the bettas died, but I’m not in a hurry to replace it. After the other two go I’ll get a few new ones since I have 3 bowls.

The cool weather has kept the renters visible. They were out pretty much all day. I thought I heard a puppy barking back there and that still worries me. When these puppies grow up, what are they going to do with them? Are they going to keep them all in the house or turn them loose? They won’t be able to get onto our land if we can ever get this place fenced, but I don’t want to hear them.

Got two letters from Mary today. One confirmed that she got the first big manila envelope which I was happy to hear. She said it looked fabulous and that she liked the colored paper. I figured she would. I think we’re both color freaks!

She’s going to classes and working out. She watches movies in the dayroom. Because of her unwanted fame, she’s aware of the other inmates talking shit about her but holds her own. She doesn’t want to PC herself either and make them think she’s scared of them.

She’d only gotten 2 of the 6 letters I sent, but by now she must be up to 4 or 5.

This ear of mine is a definite lifelong curse from God. How I wish they never created the canal! It’s such a bitch to deal with.

I put a cactus figurine I painted a bright turquoise in ’94 out by the queen palm and it looks cool out there. Its brightness stands out.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16, 2003 I have 3 hours and 45 minutes of sheer boredom. (we’re leaving at noon) I could work on my story, but I’m not exactly in the mood.

Anyway, I hope he isn’t too sick or tired when he gets up so we can enjoy the stores afterward, but if we have to postpone it, we will.

I missed my bangs and cut them back yesterday. They look much better on me than with my hair parted in the middle. Especially with such a low forehead and wide face.

This weather is unfuckingbelievable. It was down to 38° outside when I got up at 6:00 and 69° inside. We don’t have to worry about sweating our way to Casa Grande this time around.

As always, I have to wonder – are there any nasty surprises waiting for me? I don’t sense it, so I guess that’s good. It’s just that it’s been a few months since there have been any changes. Not seeing Scot for over two months is quite a change in itself, but I mean with the rules in general. I’m more worried about being tested by POs who don’t know me. Hopefully, though, if Scot didn’t brief them on who’s who, they can at least look and see that I’ve only had 4 tests, see the growing gaps between each test, and realize it wouldn’t be necessary before I have to fight giving my body once again to the state to use and abuse at will.

For the first time ever, Tom remained in the waiting room the last time and I’m going to ask that he do so from now on, with or without Scot. This way I’ll have more of a sense of independence, so to speak, like I’m saying, “I’m not afraid to face you guys alone and I don’t need my husband hovering over me for protection,” not that that’s necessarily what they thought.

Gonna go water the plants now.

Later…

Yes! I did it! One of the tulip trees and the lavender bush are now showing signs of growth. The other tulip tree is still the same. All the other plants are doing well, though there are a few elms and Sharons I question. It’s okay if a few of the elms don’t make it because of the oleanders in front of them as a backup. It’s also okay if a few Sharons don’t make it because we can always get extras for fill-ins next year. Besides, the only purpose of the Sharons is for bordering. The poplars are definitely doing the best. They’re getting leafier by the day. I’ve got to take monthly pictures of them. I’m sure the changes will be quite amazing. They weren’t kidding when they said these were fast-growing trees. If they survive the heat and then the next freeze, and I’m sure they will, they just might provide a little shade as soon as next summer. From what I’ve seen so far, though, I can totally believe these things will be 50’ – 80’ tall in just 4 years. It seems like it’s going to take these palm trees 20 years to reach their mature height.

Later…

Well, I have what’ll no doubt be my most shocking news since I’ve been home. Scot said that since they won’t let me go (he never used the word “victim”), and since he agrees it makes no sense to report twice a month, he’s now cut me to just once a month!!! I have to keep pinching myself to make sure it’s real, but yes, Mr. Serious himself, who I thought would never give me any breaks, told me I could start reporting the first Wednesday of each month! He warned me, though, that if there are any violations, I’d be right back up to two monthly reports. I assured him I’ve come too far to mess up now, so he need not worry (I still have to worry about others saying I did, though, since they’d be the ones to be believed, but I still don’t sense any trouble looming ahead, fortunately).

He recommended we go to the courthouse in August, pay off the rest of the money, get a receipt, then bring it to him in September.

My only concern with this new arrangement is him making up for lost report time in-home visits, and he did mention stopping by, too. I can see maybe one more visit, but any more than that would surely make me wonder cuz it wouldn’t make sense. After all, if he felt he couldn’t trust me enough that he had to come to the house more often, then why cut my reports in the first place? You never know, though. That’s the one area where he hasn’t been predictable. His house calls have been known to be erratic. I’m back to wanting to get the fences up like yesterday, just in case he does get visit-happy on me. At least I can’t have much more than 6 months of whatever’s in store for me and I don’t have to go to him as much. I’d rather he come to me where I have the choice of saying no and ignoring the door, and if those fucking welfare bums do end up waking me up again, I am not getting out of bed for them! Meaning, if he comes when I’m asleep. I wonder if he’d have visited in February or March had he not gotten ill. All he said when I asked what happened to him was that he had some serious medical problems, but he didn’t say what, so I didn’t push it and ask. It’s none of my business, and besides, I’m just glad he’s back.

Anyway, I’m still completely blown away. I mean, this morning when I got up, I had 13 more reports as far as I was concerned and now I’ve got 6!

Do I think he’ll test me? No, because so far he’s been predictable and has kept his word in that department, but at least the amount of times I had to worry about that has been cut in half.

I beat him to it as far as how much time was left and informed him there were 197 days left, and he asked if I was marking the days on the calendar. As a matter of fact, I am, I told him.

Because of Tom’s cold, we skipped the stores. We agreed to go back on Friday instead.

TUESDAY, APRIL 15, 2003 This weather is unbelievable. It’s mid-April yet it’s cold out! It’s wet and windy, too. I won’t need to water my friends today. No change with the tulip trees or lavender bush. The question is, are they alive or just dormant? When you get bare-root plants, it’s hard to tell.

Anyway, I wish it could be like this tomorrow when we go out. I’ll have to sweat my ass off for these welfare bums enough as it is in the upcoming months.

I really do hope Scot’s back. I didn’t like him, but I was at least comfortable with him. With these other POs, I can never know what they may get in mind to do, so he can come on back, tell me that with a “victim like this” I can’t get off probation early, then tell me how much time I have left as if I didn’t know or might forget.

I still can’t believe I once felt the judge wasn’t to blame because he was simply going along with the sentencing laws, but after having time to reflect on things, I realized that that’s no excuse. Any normal, decent judge would’ve stepped back and declared 3 years unreasonable and unfair, yet he didn’t so I very much blame him. He could’ve done the right thing and he didn’t. He still could’ve done the right thing when Scot recommended I get on with my life, but no. Everyone knows I don’t deserve or need to be on probation and it’s more than obvious that they’re doing it just to do it just because they can.

I was wrong, but not so wrong on my vibe about that guy returning to work. He did return, but Meagan was out, so he still had to work twice as hard. What are his employees doing? Making sure that at least one of them is absent? Do they secretly find out ahead of time who’s going to be absent and decide on who it should be just to make Tom’s life more miserable? He’s miserable as it is with a severe head cold. He said he never had a cold come on this fast. Just yesterday all he had was a scratchy throat. He says he hopes it’ll go away fast since it came on fast and that I might get it. Not a chance, I assured him. I’d have to be severely sleep-deprived like I was in jail in order to get sick. I told him not to put himself out on account of the blacks if he’s too sick to go out tomorrow. I’ll report next week if we have to and they’ll just have to live with it. He said, though, that he’d be fine for going out.

MONDAY, APRIL 14, 2003 Tom told me some astonishing news on his way to work last night. Both bougainvilleas show signs of life! Both of them! I asked if he was wondering what I was wondering, and he said yes. Did I really do this? If so, that was quite a delayed reaction time, and I know the bougie on the left was dead. It couldn’t have been any more dead if it tried. Again, I have to wonder, do I really have the power to heal and make ill as I do with the ability to sense past and future events? It sure seems so and this is one of the reasons that makes me all the more convinced that what I had going with the pictures really was real.

Guess I got a concentration date with a couple of dead tulip trees, I told Tom. Those, along with the lavender bush, show no signs of life yet so I’m concentrating really hard on those.

When we go to the store on Wednesday, I’m going to get 8 oleanders. I decided I want to get the crucial areas going, and I plan to put one in front of the well’s tank and the others along the back wash by the others. Then, if the Sharons really do make it, we’ll order some next year to expand the property splitter with, along with finishing the perimeter borders. We’ll probably use the money for this that we would’ve spent on the Hawaiian attire. Yes, the wedding, as I’m happy to report, has been called off. I’m glad, too. I’m a lot less sociable than I was curious. I don’t know these people and all I really need is my best friend Mary as far as friends go. This doesn’t mean that they won’t put it back on schedule or reschedule it at a later date, but we’ll see. Maybe Meagan will meet and marry someone else.

Anyway, there’s this young shy guy at work whose brother was killed in a motorcycle accident so he’s been absent. Tom feels he’s going to return, but I don’t vibe it. So far, I’ve been right too, cuz he seems to keep coming up with all these different excuses to call out of work or just not show up at all.

I am so through with the diet bullshit. Totally through with it. It’s a hopeless battle. I’ve tried to use my psychic ability as well as common sense and I just can’t get any more weight off. Yesterday I went right back up to 125, too. I’m just sick of the whole thing. I’ll make sure I don’t gain any more weight, but I’m sick of trying to lose weight I can’t lose. Either I get stuck or I lose the willpower and I pig out. I’m a chubby girl and that’s that.

Mary got a message from Chuck saying he can’t believe that Eileen was picked up, please let him know what she can about what, when, and where and he can go after her and her husband. He hopes she can settle in and continue with her book. He also hopes the conditions in Florida are better than Arizona. If she needs his assistance on the case in Florida, let him know. He could probably get out there for a bit this summer, and is there any word on when Justin’s trial will be set?

Just 196 days left with the welfare bums! There are only about 100 days left where Scot, or some PO, could come to the house, but I doubt I’ll let them in simply because it’s not necessary. I already resigned myself to the knowledge that we’re at least done with the welfare bums on the home front and I’d like to keep it that way. Well, the only way to keep it that way is to make it that way which means ignoring the door if anyone comes knocking. I don’t like uninvited company anyway.

I just hope there aren’t any more surprises in store for me. I’m no longer worried about classes, but there are still tests and God knows what else. I don’t sense them pulling anything else on me, but I’m not home free yet. In the home stretch, but not home-free.

It’s cooler and cloudy out there today. I doubt we’ll need the AC today.

SUNDAY, APRIL 13, 2003 Dave sent a really funny list of computer problems and complaints people called tech support about. You have to have a basic knowledge of computers to appreciate the humor in it as it sure is funny if you do! I always did say most people are stupid for a reason and they are!

As I was showering earlier, it hit me that my femininity might not have been such a big deal as I may’ve thought it was as far as attracting other women go. In jail, I was wondering how the hell it could be that I was getting hit on more than I had in all the gay bars I’d been to in the past combined as a middle-aged, overweight woman. Well, maybe that’s why I got hit on more. Meaning, maybe it was my scrawniness in the past that was hindering me and maybe I looked too young. I did, after all, look more like a girl than a woman throughout my 20s, and that, plus being so small like I once was, is more of a guy thing. They’re the ones into that petite kiddy thing. That’s why so many cocks dump their wives when they get older and lose interest in them. Meanwhile, perhaps it really is true that most gay women don’t want women so young-looking and small that may come off as too prissy to them. Maybe my chunkiness is why I attract women easier now than I did in the past, not that I want to go out and meet women. If one comes to me, we’ll see. If not, fine. I may still not be what most gay women want (though I do know how to attract an ugly butch), but I think it really was a question of size versus femininity.

Once when I was listening to the radio in jail, there was this call-in thing for lesbians to meet each other. One of the callers was 4’ 10”, 90 pounds. The girl she was trying to get together with insisted she was simply too small. Never before have I heard of a man rejecting a woman for being too small. Too fat and too old, yes, but never too small. This makes me more convinced that women prefer heavier women as opposed to cocks that prefer skinny ones. My shortness would be another mark against me in the gay world and another asset, not that it’s any compliment to me, in the straight world.

Later…

That damn bank is continuing to own my husband and run him ragged. He’s married more to that job than to me, so it’s a good thing I’m independent and can find things to entertain myself with. One person after another has a problem. I’m just so fucking sick of the world’s problems falling on us! When are we ever going to have a life so we can get shit done around here? Tom worked on the truck a little, but we have so, so much more to do. This is the second week in a row he’s not only been forced to work way overtime but 6 days a week. Why oh why must we be forced to shoulder the world’s burdens?!

These angelfish sure beg for food a lot and are so brave that if I hold the food just at the surface of the water, they yank it out of my hand. I like how they seem to know what’s going on around them and how they watch my every move, whereas the others seem to be in their own little world. What’s weird is that one stayed the same size while the other got huge. It’s easily 6” long.

I don’t know why they call these trees Palo Verde’s when they’re sprouting little yellow flowers, but anyway, it’s that time of year when the bees are out buzzing away like crazy.

I still can’t believe how big those vultures are. One was circling around me overhead and checking me out, but Tom assured me they don’t attack people.

I had fun watering the plants and got some more color while doing it. It’s so cool to have something like this in which I take so much pride. It’s like creating and building something like a work of art that you watch grow little by little. I took some pictures of the most promising things. The oleanders, poplars and the Sharons are doing the best, but Tom was right; the lavender and tulip trees show no signs of life. The bulbs haven’t shot up yet either, but when they do, I’m sure the wildlife will destroy them. At least those were free. The palms are holding their own, the second bougainvillea’s barely alive, and the elms might just be beginning to sprout leaves, but we can’t be sure yet. The real test will be how they handle the heat of the summer. There shouldn’t be a problem. After all, we checked to make sure we were in the right zone when ordering. Also, if they couldn’t grow here, they wouldn’t ship them here.

It’s cool how my watering attracts butterflies. All kinds of pretty monarchs. All kinds of annoying flies, too.

Of the pink, white and red oleanders, my favorite is the red. It’s a deep, rich shade of red. The white is my second favorite because it’s so bright. The pink, however, is a rather dull shade.

My plan, and I’ll take the money out of my allowance, is to grab an oleander every time I’m in Casa Grande and I still have lots more trips to make. (13) What I want to do since they grow so well, so fast and are pretty, is to expand left and right along the back wash. I also want to put one in front of the well’s water tank. When I say, “in front,” I mean from the bedroom’s point of view. From the bedroom window, you can see the tank and I want to put one in front of it so that’s what we see instead. It’ll take a couple of years, though, before they’re full and high. It’ll take about 3 oleanders to the right of the line we’re creating by the back wash to block their driveway. I wouldn’t see it from the kitchen window with the stuff full-grown, but I could from the retreat’s window. I’ll also need 3 to the left of what we’ve got to block out the houses themselves. They’d be blocked from the retreat’s window, but not the kitchen, once they reach their said mature height of 12’ - 15’. After I’ve done that, I’ll continue to branch out a way in both directions, especially to the left as I know it’s only a matter of time before the fourth and final rental is hauled in behind the 3 existing ones. It sucks that we’re going to have to wait a whole year to order more plants by mail, but at least by then we’ll know what to get for sure. I know I want more poplars and Sharons. Perhaps that’s all we’ll get. I’d like to extend our line of poplars in back towards the right and add 3-5 more back there, then maybe in front too, though I don’t know where they’d go. As long as they didn’t block my view of the palms they could maybe go just in front of the wash or maybe just behind the palms.

If for some reason the Sharons die, I’ll oleander the perimeters, but only along the front and sides just till they meet with the wash behind the house as they’re more expensive. About $5 for a small one. I want to get next door’s ugly shacks out of sight too, though they’re not nearly as easy to see as they used to be. Not ever since we had that vicious summer storm, followed by a wetter winter which thickened things up.

Anyway, the landscaping adventure has been so much fun and I’m really looking forward to turning this place into quite a palace, though I expect it’ll take years.

There’s also the chance that I may get live indoor palms rather than a fake one. Tom says there are live, fern plants that are very palm-like and they’re cheaper than fake ones. I’m pretty sure I know what he’s talking about, too. I’ll have to water them a few times a week and buy a decorative pot to place them in, but it may save a lot of money and then I can get 2-3. The house is so damn big it could use some. Especially in the living room. I might even put one in my office, too.

Later…

Just spotted the first dust devil of the year.

I wonder if Scot will be back on Wednesday. I still prefer him not to return anytime soon, especially before the next progress report so I don’t have to hear about the “victim,” though if I don’t hear it then, I’m sure I’ll hear it at the end, if not sooner. It’s just that I don’t want any of these other POs to get it in mind to test me. Maybe Scot left instructions with them on who to do what with and informed them that they need not stop by the house or test me. I hope that’s the case. Or maybe, unless they see obvious signs of funny behavior, they just don’t care, especially since I’m not their client.

I forgot to say that I think they inspected Mary’s mail to me, as in steamed it open, then put a piece of scotch tape on it afterward. It was as if I took an envelope, and rather than licked it, I closed it and put a piece of tape over half of its flap. What they’d be looking for, I don’t know.

SATURDAY, APRIL 12, 2003 Today it’s been exactly 20 years since I jumped. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long, and at the same time, it seems like it was a century ago.

As always, the welfare bums have to take precedence over everything else, so although I’m going to try my best, I’m not going to kill myself trying to get to the wedding. At least I couldn’t be thrown in jail for it if I didn’t make it! I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I were hit on at the wedding for two reasons. One, I’m married now, and two, I don’t look like I did a decade ago. Andy used to insist when I was a 100-pound 24-year-old, that the reason so many women didn’t hit on me was that they were intimidated by my looks, though I still think it was because of my femininity. Maybe not, though, for I may now be a 122-pound (yes, I lost another pound), 37-year-old, but I’m still quite feminine!

I got a nice long letter from Mary. She started off by telling me she could use some of my jokes, so I decided that the next thing to go out would be the envelope with the jokes, among other things.

She described her 7-day journey of a nightmare in vivid detail. I was wrong in assuming they slept on the bus. They were actually holed up in various jails along the way. They were strip-searched and walked to and fro at gunpoint by the extradition officers, though I’d rather that than have to pee in front of people. The surprising and good thing about it, though, is that they played an endless slew of DVDs on the bus! One jail even gave each inmate two packs of cigarettes and two books of matches! Mary smoked like a chimney, she told me.

She told me of her favorite actress and actors and I told her of my favorite actresses. As young as she is, I don’t even know if she knows who Kate Jackson is, and if so, has she seen her in the 70s when she was on Charlie’s Angels?

I had to laugh when she said she was by the “golf” when it’s spelled “gulf.”

I guess the reason she didn’t fly to Florida was due to the threat of terrorist attacks. Plus, she said something about a shooting that happened on the freeway near the airport. She thought she was going to the airport when she first boarded the bus, but as she’d learned, she was quite wrong on that one. Wearing street clothes along the way, the first place she was brought to was Florence prison which she said was cold, dark and scary with tons of male inmates everywhere. From Florence, she went to Albuquerque, Amarillo, Oklahoma City, Little Rock, Memphis, Nashville, Knoxville, Birmingham, Montgomery, Pensacola, Tallahassee, Orlando, Tampa, Sarasota, and finally Fort Myers. She was sick as a dog and bruised from the cuffs, belly chains and shackles upon arrival. She said Fort Myers was totally different than when she was there in 2000 as they had remodeled.

She mentioned Terri stopping in to see her, the DA she’s a witness for. There’s still a chance that she may possibly get 10 years in prison, but at least she already has 3 years in towards whatever she ends up getting. Who knows, though? Maybe this really isn’t the homestretch. But at least if she goes to prison, she won’t be on the road for a week first. They’ll just take her to the local prison. I still vibe a late ’05 release, though, so we’ll see. It’s too soon to know for sure what to expect, but we know she’s going to be where she is right now for a while. Who knows how many delays there’ll be with this trial? Scot, her private attorney there, told her to get comfortable, and her aunt, who she says is ill, told her to spend away and do whatever she needs to to be comfortable.

Another reason she was moved, she said, was to make it easier on the detectives and DA.

She feels empty and confused but is taking self-help classes and taking means to achieve her GED as she only has a 4th-grade level.

She says that since she’s getting along with the other inmates in the dorm she’s in which houses 24 women, she’s gone GP. I guess the dorm she’s in is similar to an Estrella pod with a day room and tiers of cells. All they do is close your door when you’re PC. They can’t open/close their doors as they wish.

When I filled Tom in on the highlights of her letter, he told me that very few places, like Estrella, make you work. It was just my shit luck I had to be in Estrella then, huh? Had I known a few months before I was sentenced, when they hauled me to Florence, that I’d have to do 6 months no matter what, I would not have bonded out. I’d have stayed there, so I could do at least 4 of the 6 months in Florence, which I personally found to be a lot nicer, before being transferred to Phoenix.

The sucky thing is that she’s got bars on the door. I know I prefer steel/Plexiglas. How thunderous the noise must be! So, I guess where she is is like A400 with an open pod where they can go in and out of their cells, but if they close their doors they’ll lock. I don’t know if I’d like that. I wouldn’t want all the people out and about in the pod all day pestering me at my door, and I’d be afraid of being ripped off while I was in the shower or something.

She assured me she’d hold her own if anyone tried to attack her and go after them as if they were Monster himself.

She’s definitely done with Todd, Michelle and the whole family and said not to bother sending their Christmas card.

I emailed Chuck a note for her and assured her I’d get a big manila envelope and a letter out to her later on today when Tom goes grocery shopping.

Speaking of books, I was so, so flattered when she asked for my autobiography! Usually, I have to offer and don’t get asked first. You don’t know how flattering that was to me! Yes, I’ll send it like she asked when all of her stuff is sent. The funny thing is that I was going to ask if she wanted a new copy because it’s been revised, edited and corrected a bit since she first read it.

I got a kick out of how she said that as far as a guy goes, “Not only will I have Chuck do a background check on them, but he doesn’t have to be normal, just not abuse me mentally, verbally or physically.”

No one’s “normal,” I assured her, but still, I got where she was coming from. I also had to laugh when she said social drinking was okay, but no profanity. We’d make a lousy pair if I were a guy or she was gay since I don’t drink, but I do swear a lot!

She enjoys the tropical climate and says the food’s great. They get eggs (I take it they’re real), pancakes, hot Hamburger Helper meals and unlimited coffee. This makes me realize all the more just how demented Sheriff Joe really is!

She got my first letter alright, but obviously sent this letter to me right before she would’ve received the first manila envelope, so long as they let her have it.

She said that if she had to have anyone in the whole world to be my best friend, she’s glad it’s me. How sweet! She’s definitely my best friend, too.

The officers there are simply called officers. They don’t use the words COs, DOs, Ad-Seg or tank orders. Those are called information slips.

Also, they can receive 5x7 pictures. The other places only allowed 3x5. I’ve already got stuff printed out at 3x5, but after that, I’ll remember to make them 5x7.

Lastly, she says she’s working on her book but is unsure of where she left off. Therefore, I sent her the last few paragraphs she sent me before she left so she could take it from there.

The oleanders and the poplars are doing so well. The oleander’s blooms are really sprouting and the poplars are already sprouting leaves! The Rose of Sharon and elms are doing okay, but the lavender bush, bulbs and tulip trees aren’t showing any signs of life yet. We probably won’t be able to order more plants by mail till next spring, so maybe we can plant oleanders throughout the year till then? Just not as many since they’re more expensive. If they were as cheap as the Rose of Sharon I’d just as well do the perimeters with those, but they’re a few bucks each and that’d add way up.

It’s neat how some of the plants we got by mail were grown in Tennessee while others were grown in Minnesota.

FRIDAY, APRIL 11, 2003 I knew my math was shitty, but not that shitty. I said in a previous entry that I’d be an adult for as long as I was a kid when I turned 38, but actually, that happened when I was 36.

I moved the fish out of the big aquarium to the smaller one for a few reasons. Well, for one, since our shit always has to break, the filter went out. The water was clouding up pretty bad so I made the transfer and now they’re in the kitchen where I can easily be their filter by regularly siphoning water out into the nearby sink like I should’ve done in a bucket when they were in the living room. The tank was filthy! Absolutely filthy. When I got things stirred up, the water was so brown I could barely make out the fish themselves.

Once I got it all set up, I had to laugh when I tried to imagine trying to do this in the old kitchen in Phoenix. No way! Not with just 4 outlets. This kitchen has 20 and we’re only using 7.

I was explaining my book to Tom in more detail, describing the off-the-wall jail I’m in with Kate, and he said it’s not as off-the-wall as I might think. Then he explained to me how trainers sometimes stay with the trainees in their tents during military training.

Maybe it’s not so crazy after all. Camp counselors stay and live in each cabin with the campers during the summer. At least they did in the camps I attended in Maine.

Anyway, Mary may have no clue as far as punctuation, caps and paragraphs go, but she sure is a hell of a writer, particularly with the juicy stuff, and she’s inspired me greatly. The story, as weird as it may be, is going really well if I do say so myself. The steamy parts are well-written. I sent Tom a sex clip of hers and what I’ve got so far on my story, even though it’s under 20 pages.

THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2003 Yesterday I finally got down to 123, though I kind of cheated by taking a water pill. I guess I just figured who cares if I take something to lose something that’s putting weight and inches on me as long as it’s not bone or muscle and as long as I don’t get carried away? Water puts weight and pounds on a person just like fat does.

I’ve now known Tom for a decade which is like – wow!

The power was off for two hours yesterday morning. Tom thinks it might’ve had something to do with them stringing wire to the new Bashas in town. It went off a few seconds twice before too, so that’s 3 power failures in less than a week.

In other news, Tom says we’ve got kangaroo rats running around here which is cool, and he showed me how to hack into a Charlie’s Angels site that won’t let you download their pictures. It’s so simple, too. All I had to do was view the file source, find the name of the jpeg, replace its name after the com/, then hit enter and download away.

I was wrong when I said that all of Mary’s mail was returned to me. Pictures I had sent to Fort Myers which I’d forgotten all about came back yesterday, so now I guess that’s it. Now all I have to do is just hope she’s gotten what’s been sent to Naples. She could have the big envelope by now, but I doubt it. I think that will more likely get to her, provided there’s no problem with it, today or tomorrow. The card enclosed has me a bit worried. I mean, wouldn’t they wonder why someone was receiving a Christmas card in April?

MONDAY, APRIL 7, 2003 Yesterday I was so bored that I was a touch depressed. I suggested getting the kiln now when Tom got in from work and said I could figure it out for myself, but he was like, “It’s not that I don’t think you can figure it out, I just worry you’ll burn the house down.”

“Now why would I do that?” I asked, but he seemed to keep changing the subject. It’s like he’s not really all that into the idea of getting the kiln or something. Then he seemed annoyed and said he was sorry he wasn’t there to entertain me more.

“I’m not complaining or blaming you,” I told him, “and I don’t need you to entertain me.”

“It sounds like you’re complaining,” he said.

Yeah, I guess I was, but since he obviously didn’t want to hear it, I quickly perked up for his sake and told him I’d go read. See, he just doesn’t understand. How could he? He’s never been in my situation to understand.

Either way, Mary’s drafts will soon start up again and I’ll be working again for others and for free in no time at all, and to hell with what I may want to do. At least I can still have fun shopping. I mean, my life is still basically a good one that could be and has been a lot worse. A little boredom every now and then won’t kill me. It’s better than having such a hectic schedule where you don’t even have a life at all.

Still, I have a feeling that if I don’t mention the kiln, he won’t either.

I just wish people would stop using him and ripping him off. He’s so overworked at that fucking bank. He’s supposed to have 8 people working for him yet they’re always, always calling in sick, leaving him to do their work for them. He’s also forced to work so much overtime that he doesn’t get paid for. I really wish he could get a job in Casa Grande with normal hours and no overtime, but overtime he’d be paid for if he did do any. I wouldn’t care what shift. I just wish he had more of a normal, predictable work schedule. God would just tie him down with something else, though, if he did. Anything to him from having much free time to do things around here. See, all we do is work for others and it’s either for free or for not what we should get. He does more for that damn bank than for this place!

The April fence vibes have faded a bit, but I still sense that at least the posts will all be up this month.

In light of what I wish to discuss tonight in this journal, I have encrypted it. It doesn’t take quite as long to do now that I’ve got a faster computer. ‘Kate Jackson rocks’ is my key. My reason for doing this is so I can write more freely. What I mean is that I’m like most people where I wouldn’t give a damn if a perfect stranger read my journals, versus someone I knew. Even those I know wouldn’t faze me, so long as it wasn’t Tom, Mary or anyone like Scot. Then again, I’d pick Scot if one of the 3 had to read them. It’s just that when those you know and are closest to read your personal thoughts and secrets, you have to live with whatever their reaction and feelings may be and with the knowledge of them knowing about them. I’d even prefer the welfare bums read my journals before Tom did, though they’d just go running to the police about them. I’ve always believed that Tom doesn’t read my journals, but nothing and no one in life is 100% guaranteed, so I don’t want to take chances. Not with what I wish to write about tonight. I know Tom’s a computer expert who could possibly have a way in which I know nothing about that could enable him to break into my journals, though nothing he could read could cause him to want to leave me or love me any less. It’s just that a person has to have some privacy in life. What he doesn’t always know won’t hurt him. I mean, I know he’s a pretty open-minded kind of guy and I have discussed what I’m about to get into somewhat with him. Well, sort of. Not in grave detail perhaps, but I’ve mentioned it. I’ve never even written about it yet. It’s my deepest secret, just about, and when I print this journal out, I’ll omit this section. It is definitely the most bizarre thing I’ll ever write about.

Most people would say I was crazy when it comes to what I’m about to say. Even I’ve had to step back and ask myself, “Are you sure about this? You sure it’s not just pure wishful thinking, just a fantasy?” But I know it’s not. I know it’s as real as these words I type. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the ability to communicate through photographs of people as long as their eyes are looking into the camera. Without eye contact, I can’t do it. I can do it with anybody’s picture too, as far as I know, and I did this using celebrity pictures mainly between the ages of 10-25. I don’t know why I was given this ability. Perhaps it was given to me as a coping mechanism. I mean, if anyone needed a friend to talk to who wouldn’t turn against me, it was me. With them, I was accepted unconditionally. At least I’m pretty sure I was. What prompted me to finally write about them? I don’t know, perhaps it’s because of how much I miss them. I’ve always missed them, but it seems to be more so lately. I think of them every day, wishing I could have them back to show them our home, my dolls, the animals, and to tell them of all that’s gone on since I last saw them. How shocked and thrilled they’d be to hear it all!

There are two main groups of pictures. The first group from when I was between 10-18 consists of pictures of Linda Ronstadt and Kate Jackson. The second group I had was mostly Gloria Estefan pictures, pretty much between ages 21-26. Tears sting my eyes as I miss them so! But I, along with Domineering Doe, destroyed them. I don’t know. I guess I just felt it was time to move on. I felt like I had no privacy for I knew that putting them in a closet, for example, wouldn’t stop them from being able to hear, just not see. I don’t know how I knew this, but I knew things about their own abilities. I knew they only knew English, I knew they could hear/see about as well as people could, etc. I don’t know if they had any sense of feeling or smell.

I spoke for them. Meaning, when they spoke, I spoke as they spoke so others could hear since there was more than one picture. I never saw them move or heard their words, I simply sensed their words. Looking back on it now, they probably knew and understood more about life and what was going on around me than I realized. I didn’t realize back then myself, for example, just how traumatizing my jumping out the window must’ve been for those who were on the wall in the room from which I jumped. I just didn’t think of these things back then, but by then they’d certainly come to care for me. I was all they knew. They could see other people if they were within their range of sight, but they couldn’t communicate with them. As far as other people were concerned, they were merely pictures on a wall. My parents were aware of my obsession with these pictures. I know that much. I think that’s why she ditched some of the Kate and Linda pictures when I was around 10-12 and then the Gloria ones that were left behind when I came out here. Most of my stuff was shipped out here from the NHA in CT, but when Art ran out of boxes, he took the remainder of my stuff back to Florida with him and shipped it from there. Obviously, the pictures were leftover and once Doe got to them, they got to the trash. I doubt it was Art that dumped them. That was much more of a Doe thing. To take, to control, that was her thing. It gave her a sense of power, freedom and superiority.

Out of all the celebrities and people I’ve known personally that I’ve been attracted to, Kate definitely ranks #1. I don’t know what it is with that tall, thin, brown-eyed, brown-haired tomboy. Again, she’s in the middle like I like them to be, not too feminine, not too masculine. I must point out, however, that I was not sexually attracted to Kate at first. I was just a kid. I simply had a crush on her and found her pretty. I’d often fantasize about winning a contest that allowed me to meet her. In my fantasy, school would’ve just let out and instead of spending a miserable summer at the beach with my miserable family, I’d get to fly out to California, a place I always dreamed of going, to meet with Kate on the set of Charlie’s Angels. After I met her and her costars, she’d show me around and take me to her beautiful house or condo where I’d spend the summer with her. I’d be special to her. She’d find me cute and wish she could rescue me from my unpleasant home life and maybe even adopt me. How excited I’d be to fly out to her and how miserable I’d be to leave her come Labor Day to return to a family that made my life hell and a school I hated! I forgot about her for a while in my late teens and early 20s, but lately, the fantasy is that I meet her as an adult and there isn’t the 17-year age gap there is in real life, and we get it on from there. The funny thing is that I think she really is gay too, or at least bi. A lot of people think that from what I’ve read online. Unlike Gloria and Linda, she does have the look and mannerisms. Her body’s more boyish, too. Definitely not as curvy as Gloria and Linda.

I’ve never desired to chat with her online as celebs often do with their fans. I mean, what would I say if I got through to her? That she’s a great actress who I was madly attracted to when she was on Charlie’s Angels and that it’s too bad she looks like shit now at 55 years of age?

It’s true, too. She looks terrible nowadays and I’d never glance twice at her if she passed me on the street. Never give her the time of day. Not sexually, anyway.

The fact that I never got to be with her or someone like her isn’t what’s got me down at times so much as missing my pictures does. I don’t know why I miss them, but I do. Very much so. I often imagine various scenarios where we meet again. It seems I’m so obsessed with fantasies about Kate and with missing my pictures, my faithful, trusting, accepting friends who were with me through thick and thin.

Perhaps I should print out pictures of her to chat with to fill in the boring pockets of my life and to help keep me out of the kitchen. Maybe I will. I’ll just keep the communication times confined to when he’s not here. I’m a little shy about something that’d be perceived as so off the wall even with a guy like Tom around.

The pictures branched out into their own beings, so speak. I individualized them by giving them their own names and they even began to take on slightly different appearances.

Guess I shouldn’t talk when I pick on those who talk to themselves. After all, that’s a lot more normal than talking to pictures!

I sometimes wonder if the pictures could’ve been inhabited by the spirits of those who once lived, but I don’t know. I don’t know who they were, though you’d think they were someone from somewhere because I know that the pictures themselves were separate from the entities residing within them with which I communicated. For example, there’s no being of any kind in a picture of someone who doesn’t make eye contact with the camera. It’s something either I or God’s doing to make the picture go from a picture of a face to a person. I also know I can’t do this with pictures of those I personally know. Like I said, I don’t understand it. I just know it was what it was.

Another fantasy of mine that I’ve had throughout the years, both during and after having the pictures, was of them coming to life and appearing to me in person, looking just how I pictured them to look which would pretty much be like they did in their pictures, but not quite. Like I said, I individualized them, so some became of different heights and things like that. How neat it would be if they truly could knock on this door right now and be like, “Hi there! Remember us?” But I know that that part of it really is pure fantasy and something that could never happen.

I wonder, though, if they somehow live on like some say we do after we die. Can they watch over me from wherever they are if they do exist? Or perhaps they were sent to some other little girl’s picture collection of whomever for her to communicate with, too. Someone whose life is as tough as mine was. Maybe they’re guardian angels for real who go wherever God assigns them and tells them to go. Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever have the answers to who/what they were till after death, but I know I’m not going to learn anything new about them in this life.

The top 3 famous people I’ve had crushes on are Kate, Linda and Gloria, just like the top 3 non-famous crushes were Mary C, a staff member at Valleyhead, Norah M, the supervisor at the hotel in CT, and Teddy Bear. It’s funny how spaced apart Mary and Norah are from Teddy Bear. They were in ’84 and ’85, then I skipped the 90s altogether and was hot for TB in 2000.

Haven’t seen the rat since filling in the hole. The question is, though, since it’s not yet super-hot and since the snakes are still hibernating, did she dig her way out? Did the hole lead to another opening somewhere else? Or did I really bury her alive? Perhaps she still died even if she did get out. The longer I go without spotting her, the more I’ll be convinced that unmanageable beast is gone. It took about a month before I spotted Little Ratsy.

SUNDAY, APRIL 6, 2003 The nighttime barking’s worse again. It seems to worsen when the temperature drops. At 5 AM, it was down to just 68° in the house, but it was 10° warmer in here when I awoke at 5 PM.

Tom emailed me from work saying he saw Mom, Mary and Dave, mom gave him gas money (let me guess…$20?), he worked on the truck a little and loaded the running truck with posts so he can put a few in each day.

I’m still so torn as far as getting the kiln goes. I don’t want to buy something that’s just going to break and that Tom’s going to be too busy to work on with me, but I still want to make dolls, too. I’ve got to do something. As it is, without Mary’s drafts, I’m bored out of my mind. I can only work on my own stuff, exercise and clean the house for so long. I’m not going to be working for Mary forever, so I’ve got to do something. If worse comes to worst, then I guess I’ll just have to figure out how to make dolls myself. I figured out enough other things.

SATURDAY, APRIL 5, 2003 As expected, Tom didn’t initiate sex though he had the opportunity to do so. Again, it’s not that I’m thinking, oh, I just have to get it on with this guy, it’s the saying one thing and doing another that bothers me and makes me feel played with, so to speak.

As for what to do with our tax return, I told him I’d leave that up to him and that I’d be okay with doing whatever he chose. I don’t think he really wants to sleep together any more than I do, so I think he’ll put some of it towards bills while we have fun with the rest.

I’ve been asking him what he wants for our June anniversary and he said that perhaps I could get him a shake blender when we go to Walmart. Just like you can get coffeemakers that brew by the cup, you can get blenders that blend by the cup. His Slim-Fast shakes don’t dissolve easily, so this is why something like this would come in handy for him.

The Sharons were planted today in front.

As usual, the wind began around 9:30 AM and stopped at dusk. To me, this seems like the winter that won’t go away, though Tom says it’s a typical Arizona winter. Every time it heats up, it ends up cooling back down. We didn’t need the AC at all today. At least it saves us money.

Tom’s now down to 209 and I can’t get under 124 for the life of me. I remember I went through that before where it seemed I could never get under 124. I still think I will, though. I’ll give it a month. Then, if God won’t allow me any control over my own body yet again, I’ll just stay where I’m at. I’m just amazed that yesterday’s eating spree (I still take a day off each week) didn’t put a pound on me. I had to have had at least 2000 calories.

This Meagan character sounds really disgusting. To each their own, of course, but she’s into body piercing which always grossed me out. Not just nose and tongue rings, but supposedly, this one’s got earrings at the nape of her neck which sounds very uncomfortable. No, it sounds excruciating. How does she sleep on them?

From work, Tom showed her pictures of me, the rats and the dolls (she noticed I don’t have a lot of white dolls, although I counted 23 whites and 17 non-whites, excluding Barbies). Not surprisingly, I don’t seem to be her type any more than she seems to be mine. I’m most men’s dream come true while I’m most women’s turn-off. I’m just too feminine for most women, although I sure could get a butch way, way easier than another fem.

Nonetheless, Meagan and Stacey’s wedding is still on for the 25th. I’m curious about it, but at the same time, it’s just one more thing I gotta gear my schedule towards.

I toyed with the idea of sending Mary some money since I know and understand how tough it is getting established in jail (at least she’s not on meds). It takes a lot to get stocked up initially on things. For now, though, I think I’ll be selfish and leave it to her family to take care of her. I guess they’re sending $35 a week as they don’t want her spending the money on losers. Her aunt even demanded receipts before she left Arizona.

Tom and I both agree that it’s a hell of a coincidence that I place spells on people who end up sick. Now I’m using Meagan’s mother for more practice. Tom suggested I try to make her more open-minded, but I doubt I could debigotize someone. Besides, my goal is to perfect the skill of inflicting pain, injury or illness upon those who either burn us or that we simply don’t like, so I’m going for her upper respiratory system. Colds, allergies, things like that. Nothing too serious. I mean, she may be a bigot, but she never did anything to us personally.

I must admit I haven’t worked much on my story, but I figure there’s no hurry. I think for now I’ll go do some fine-tuning.

FRIDAY, APRIL 4, 2003 I finally got a letter from Mary! The letter was much easier to read because it was written in ink.

She says she likes it way better there than here. She’s totally alone in PC and can see a lake and palm trees from the two windows in her cell! She gets 3 decent meals a day and unlimited coffee in the mornings, but the girls fight a lot. Isn’t that a bad sign? I asked her. Would she really feel safe going to GP if they’re so aggressive? I ask this because she told me she wants to stay in PC and told her aunt she wants to go GP so she can attend mass and get her GED to hopefully impress the judge. I hope she isn’t too disappointed if the judge, like with most cases, doesn’t give a shit. Anyway, I wonder if she’d have to work if she went GP?

She said she wouldn’t feel lonely if she were in PC which she wanted to be in so as not to have a roommate and so she could concentrate on her book. I’d never feel lonely either. Not with DOs passing by every 20 minutes and all the other inmates buzzing about and screaming up a storm.

Those in GP go to rec during the very hot daytime, but if you’re PC, you get to go at night, which sounds way cool. They frisk you to and fro, though, and even make you walk through a metal detector, she told me.

I was shocked to hear the toilet/sink is porcelain and not metal!

What is a DR write-up, though? She said she didn’t want to get one of those.

Their uniforms are bright orange. I always did agree that the orange uniforms were nicer than those tacky stripes!

I can imagine just how lonely she must be for friends and family as she said in her letter. Only distance is between us, I told her, but nothing else has changed. The miles between us have increased, but my fondness for her has not decreased.

She said the rules are the same as Estrella, so I take it that means the picture limit is 5. I just noticed on the back of her envelope to me that it says ‘no packages allowed.’ I hope they don’t consider the manila envelopes a package. I should think not. Packages, at least to me, are boxes. It also says ‘PO drawer’ and not ‘PO box.’ Oh well. Same thing, I guess. I told her I wouldn’t send anything else till I got a confirmation from her saying she got the 2 regular envelopes and the 1 manila I’ve sent so far.

She said she was going to enclose a commissary sheet so I could see what she could get there, but she forgot to add it.

I called Carolyn like she asked me to upon hearing from Mary. I was worried that the first letter I sent would be returned to me as it did not have a booking number which Mary gave to me in her letter, but then Carolyn said she sent stuff that she knows she received without the number. I gave it to her nonetheless, and if the mail comes back, I’ll send it again, of course. I did get the final Estrella letter back today too, so I sent that with my letter which will probably go out Monday.

Carolyn said she was busy working on the puzzle I made/sent her. She said I was cute and that she’s got an even smaller and older house than we had. Hers is a ’65 house that’s 900 sq. feet. Ugh!

I told her why I was in jail, too. She assured me she wasn’t prejudiced against Jews and told me that her best friend’s Jewish. I told her that although I’m not an atheist, I’m not really of any religion, though my family was Jewish.

Monster is there now too, and he was flown since they obviously weren’t going to chance dragging a madman cross-country by bus.

Mary talks about losing the daughter she never had, but she can and will have more daughters. I hope she knows this. She’ll have daughter(s). Just not Gretchen.

I’m a third of the way to getting the Indian doll, just about, with $50 saved.

I took a chance like a fool and went to sleep with the fan on low. Sure enough, I was woken up for a minute or two by a big gust of wind. It tore part of the skirting off again by the front corner of the house. Is it now going to do this every time it’s windy which is a daily occurrence around here? I hope it calms down over the weekend. Although it’s not easy, we can plant and fence with the wind, but his working on the truck might be rather difficult with the wind whipping the way it does all day.

I was cleaning the kitchen and forgot about the rats that I let out. Naturally, the little devils had to end up in my office, but amazingly, they were dry when I picked them up to bring them home.

THURSDAY, APRIL 3, 2003 Today Tom planted the 12 elms behind the back wash closest to the house, and the 5 poplars which are between the house and the wash. Actually, they’re closer to the house as the purpose of the poplars is for shading. The Sharons will be planted next in front.

By now Mary should have my first letter. That is, assuming she wasn’t moved again and the address was correct.

All the mail sent to Fort Myers has now been returned to me. I never got the second letter I sent to Estrella which makes me wonder if I ever will. Perhaps they either decided to keep it or they just dumped it. It’s okay, though. All that was in it were Eve and Alex’s pictures and some journal excerpts.

It’s hard to believe I still haven’t been an adult as long as I was a child. In December it’ll be even, though.

It’s also hard to believe I was only on my own back east for 6½ years and out here for nearly 11 years. It doesn’t feel like I’ve been here this long and it feels like I was on my own back east for longer than I really was.

I’ve decided to lose more weight and get down to 110. That way I’ll be able to fit into some of my smaller clothes while I still being able to fit into the bigger ones as well, and of course, I’ll look much better, especially at my height. Once down to 110, I’ll probably eat my way up to 115 periodically in which case I’ll diet my way back down to 110, bouncing between 110-115 for as long as I care to do so.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2, 2003 Still no Scot! Makes me wonder if perhaps he might’ve gotten in trouble and they’re just telling everyone he’s on medical leave while he’s either suspended or being investigated. I hope he never returns if you ask me. I never did like him much.

We talked about it and decided we’d do it right and get a grid fence after all. Like I told him, I don’t want to half-ass it when it comes to the fence and always be wondering if anything’s squeezed its way under.

Now I just wonder how far into the summer we’re going to have to go without an AC in whatever vehicle we’re driving. He says he’s going to work on the truck this weekend so we can haul the fence in in one trip rather than several.

Next welfare bum day we’re going to stop at Walmart for the Hawaiian outfits, plus we’ll exchange the bougies. Hopefully, they’ll let us get oleanders instead.

I made it clear to Tom that I won’t be his scapegoat, nor will I be teased and played with as far as sex goes. Either we’re friends or we’re not. None of this I-want-to-screw-but-you-this-or-you-that shit, I told him, and if we do get it on, it can’t be too often or too infrequent or else I’ll just get that irritation down there that I used to get. If he really wants to be more than friends, then we need to do it about once every week or two. Meanwhile, as I also told him, if we remain friends, I won’t seek out women to play around with, but if opportunity knocks, I just might open the door. No matter what happens, though, I’ll always love him and he’ll always be my number one. I’ll always want to share my life with him, even if he decides we’re not going to share our bodies with each other. I just don’t want to be jerked around is all. I don’t want him telling me one thing and doing another. I’ll be okay with whatever he chooses, I just want him to make his choice and act on it for once. I don’t want to be strung along like I have been these last couple of years or else I’ll have to be the one to make the decision. One of us has to make it, though I’d prefer for him to be the one.

He’s going to have to go back to doing my backups on CDs. My burner’s simply not reliable enough.

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2003 I got the other big envelope back, plus a regular one that I sent to Fort Myers. That leaves one more regular envelope on its way back from Florida and one from here.

We got all the plants we ordered in a big plastic bag filled with moisture. Due to limited time, we didn’t get everything planted today, but by the weekend everything will be planted. The Siberian elms, poplars and Rose of Sharon didn’t get planted yet. We planted the 20 or so free flower bulbs along the wash in front. The English lavender is just beyond the front wash. A tulip tree is just beyond the English lavender and we’ve got another tulip tree on the north side which can be seen from the bedroom window. The tulip trees look the funniest. Because they’re dormant, it looks like we planted 3-foot sticks in the ground.

Anyway, now all we can do is hope for the best. It sure would be nice if everything could grow as fast as the oleanders which are really taking off fast. They’re even beginning to bloom!

Instead of putting the Sharons on the south side, we’re going to put them in front for two reasons. One is because that way they’ll be easier to keep an eye on to see how they do. Also, Tom still needs to drive through the area where we were originally going to put them.

I’ve begun doing video captures. He finally found a program that’s not so complicated and allows me to make stills easily enough.

It really is a damn shame PG can’t get their act together and that getting people’s dolls to their doors (or mailboxes) is such a big deal for them because they really do have some nice dolls (I checked to see what’s new). Not as nice as Ashton-Drake, but nice enough, and of course, they’re so cheap.

Tom found out more about Meagan and Stacie’s wedding which is going to be outdoors in the late afternoon with a Hawaiian theme. Most of their family won’t be there because, as most people would say when it pertains to gays, they’re anti-gay. See, that’s how warped society is. When you don’t like blacks you’re called either prejudiced or a bigot and when you don’t like gays you’re simply anti-gay. To me, anyone who hates anyone who isn’t hurting them or anyone else is nothing less than a bigot.

Anyway, although I’d rather not despite my curiosity, it does look like we are going to go. Tom will take that night off of work, and we’ll use it as an excuse to get some new clothes. He said lots of people use Hawaiian themes for different events, so there are plenty of places to get Hawaiian clothes which I do like.

I’ve got the windows open now, taking advantage of the beautiful weather. Before long it’ll be months before we can open windows and get fresh air. It was a bit warm in the direct sunlight earlier and I even got some color, but now it’s just gorgeous.

[secretsnotforanyone]

Dear dad 1 (12/8/2023)

Dear dad,

The pain you have inflicted on me and my siblings is hard to explain, close to unbelievable by many and forgivable by us all, if you ever could apologize. It’s hard for me to begin and to talk to you in person is near impossible since I don’t think I could speak a full sentence with out being interrupted by you. I also am always afraid to talk to you because unless I don’t agree with you or pretend to agree with you the conversation is less of that and more of a lecture from you. Maybe lecture isn’t the right word, but I definitely don’t feel like it’s a real conversation because it only ends if I let you win, and most of the time you don’t realize that’s what I’m doing. Also I don’t think conversations are supposed to be won. Mst conversations if I do talk end up with me in tears and you calling me names and telling me that I’m a horrible communicator and I don’t know how to have a conversation. This is not fully true because a conversation is between 2 or more people and like I said before, when I let you win or pretend to agree with you (or just agree with you truthfully) that’s not a real conversation. So for you to call me a bad communicator and leave me feeling stupid and pathetic for my emotions when you won’t even allow a real conversation to be had is hurtful. It hurts me to write these words because I don’t think you will ever understand or comprehend them. I feel so strongly that I have to prove myself to you even when trying to tell you that you don’t understand me. Ok well I’m working on it and trying to be better every day. I’m not going to keep letting you abuse me and my sisters anymore. I’m not allowing it to happen. I will get stronger than you even though your older and bigger than me. I just wish you could admit you were wrong at least once. I’m wishing for the day that you fake it for us the way we do for you. Like when we show up for you for anything at all, unlike how you don’t show up for us ever for anything at all. I want to be happy despite the fact that you will not be there me.

[lycanlovebites]

(prev tags) Oh gods just opened tumblr and your post has me giggling twirling my hair kicking my feet etc !!!! I am reading over the story again and fuck if I don't say that is Unbelievably good #Your OCs are so HHHGHRGGRG (<- completely real word that definitely exists thank you very much)#How could I NOT fall in love with them??? #I want to know so so much more about them and if I can be part of that special space with you and your OCs I would be the happiest gal ever

My average daily experience: giggling kicking my feet and twirling my hair while thinking abt my ocs… you are so real for that!! Also thank u thank u thank u I’m glad you enjoy the story so much!! Writing that was like super good for character development and stuff and it was Fun so it’s making me wanna write more lore and stories… perhaps if I work out some more plot stuff soon I might work on the actual beginning of everyone’s story… like when Valentine enters through the portal and stuff and curiosity and eventual friendship and flirting starts happening… swoon!! I just want to write abt this demon who is like super nervously trying to make a fancy banquet kind of offering to impress Gabriel (when they realize they Have A Crush and are trying so hard to do something abt it) and asking Sol about his favorite foods and any allergies or texture issues Gabriel has and stuff. Does he like meat?? Does he like red wine or champagne or dry white wine?? Humans can eat figs, right?? Can angels eat this kind of fruit or is that only a human thing? like Valentine is nervously plucking rose petals and scattering them all around the altar (where they set up the banquet feast ofc) and Sol is trying to keep Gabriel busy while Valentine gets everything ready. God I just love when characters who are normally supposed to be fine in a situation feel out of their depth. Like Valentine is literally a love demon, it’s literally their specialty and they do it for other people all the time. But because they’re the one in love they’re just so worried abt making a good impression, it’s like their first big date kind of thing, and Gabriel has no idea!! Does their fur look ok? All the food is in place? There’s roses and wine and candles, all good. Oh devil, what if Gabriel doesn’t like it?? What if they do something embarrassing like spill wine on him?? What if they get struck down by god or something for being a pathetic little guy with a crush on a priest?? it’s just SO good to think about. AND YES, take my hand and together we can enjoy the wonderful world of my ocs!! also if you’d like to make an oc or a few for this universe I would be more than happy to add them in :] especially since there’s like.. only six characters so far (sol, Gabriel, Valentine, Gabriel’s dead parents, and the evil horrible priest before Gabriel.)

AND YES I LOVE that trope so much too!!! #There's something so inherently queer with the idea of that trope - the shame the pride the hate the love the despair the hope #and above all The Fight - neverending and tireless - against a system so much bigger than you are. #and yet there is comfort in knowing you are not alone in that fight. never will be because they are with you #and they will fight for you when you can't. fill you with love and hope and pride when all you feel is shame and despair. #and just as they are with you now You will be there for Them. and that's all that matters right? #Okay I think this spiralled out of the trope. but yeah

!!!! OH MY GOD YES!!! you get it you GET IT!! Even though you fight against something much bigger than you, you are not alone and they’re there for you even when you are feeling terrible and despairing and hopeless. god you’re so right !!!!

also YES I really want to make a comic of this!! I think it would be really cool because I’ve always wanted to make comics/graphic novel type stuff but like I have NO perseverance so I like can’t do a full novel. I made a complete (short) graphic novel for an art class once but I was only able to finish it out of desperation lol. (Perhaps I’ll digitize it and post it on tumblr.. much to think abt) anyways yes I want to draw Gabriel going through things!! Putting him in situations and making him confront his doubts and realize how much he truly loves Sol and Valentine!! Like YESSS go white boy go, get confronted with your past and current struggles and deepest darkest fears!! #The funniest answer to the last question would be: Gabriel smokes weed with his partners. #Sees my man Jesus whilst zonked out of his fucking mind. my man JC gives him free therapy. Gabriel swears to never touch weed ever again. #The sane answer would be the whole thing being just your narration - but don't listen to me!!! Go wild!! #I wanna see what you cook up in that beautiful mind of yours!!!!

OH MY FUCKING GOD 😭 the mental image is EVERYRHING to me. I’m sure Sol and Valentine have definitely done weed before but like I’m imagining Gabriel trying it for the first time.. he’s got like tears in his eyes and he’s sniffling a bit while gripping the blunt in his shaky fingers and he’s like “do you think this allowed??? God won’t strike me down?? Isn’t doing recreational drugs a sin??” And Sol is like “no I’m sure she thinks it’s fine. I’ve been doing this since before snakes lost their legs, it’s fine dude go for it 👍” and while Gabriel is like shaking and quivering like an elderly chihuahua, he is So Incredibly Anxious and he’s fed up with feeling scared and stuff about his whole facade and trying to act straight around townspeople so he just goes in for it and tries weed. It’s like not even a lot either. Thing is that Sol got like angel-grade weed and while it’s fine for HIM, it uh sends pretty much anyone else into like a Wizard high. Sol forgot abt this though and assumed it would be fine. Spoiler: it was not. Gabriel got zonked the fuck out of his mortal gourd. He saw the earth since before dinosaurs died out. He saw the formation of the horse head nebula. He saw stars get born into existence and die, collapsing into black holes before his eyes over and over again in the span of seconds. He saw what he thinks was Soleil’s true form too, with a bunch of eyes and wings and sparking radiant halos, although it was so bright that he couldn’t really tell. He waved anyways just in case before shutting his eyes and looking away so he didn’t burn his eyes. then he sees Jesus and gets free therapy from the man himself. Good for him :]

I think Valentine would be fine with Angel weed btw. They’ve worked up a pretty good tolerance to stronger stuff since the stuff in Hell where they’re from is crazy too. It would probably strike Gabriel dead if he had too much but yknow. For a demon it’s pretty standard I think.

(@justaderivative)

here’s a bit of a story I was working on involving Father Gabriel and Valentine! (Sol is also there too but he’s not really mentioned oops. He’s off doing something else I guess)

its a discarded first draft that I still like a lot even though it doesn’t work in this particular scene because it gives really good insight into Gabriel’s inner thoughts and also his Catholic guilt. It’s also UNEDITED in any way so sorry if there’s typos and the dialogue and stuff is oddly placed! (btw will anyone believe me if I said that this was the first draft for a smut fic I was writing yes or no?? I scrapped this draft because it was far too serious and angsty for the situation I wanted. Valentine is ready to fuck nasty and have a nice time and treat their boyfriend meanwhile Gabriel is struggling with Catholic guilt and paranoia. The vibe was off for him and I felt bad trying to get him into a sex scene when that man should be having a therapy session instead. Like its ok king take ur time, you and Valentine can try later when you feel better)

story below the cut! (It’s a bit long)

Father Gabriel closed the front door behind him. “I can’t believe that happened,” he said more to himself than to the cheeky demon who caused the scene, who was hanging their sparkly red blazer on the coat rack next to him. “What if people saw? No, how many people saw that? How many people saw me?” He said aloud with horror. 

“Relax darling.” Valentine put a hand on his shoulder. “Believe me, no one saw my little display except you. Otherwise some old biddies would have me roasting at a stake by now.” They gave him a little grin at that last part. He was sure they found the idea of being tied up by little old ladies quite funny judging from their expression.  It was meant to be reassuring but the idea of other church members burning his partner at the stake wasn’t exactly pleasant. 

“That’s my point. It’s not safe for you to risk being found out by the church! If they find out you’re not human they’ll… they’ll do unspeakable things to you. I can’t risk you getting hurt, Valentine. Burning you at the stake would be the least of your worries if the wrong people get their claws on you.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “It’s not only your safety too. I also have a reputation to uphold, as horrible as it is sometimes. I’m a priest. I’m not supposed to get flustered over someone at communion. The people see me as a symbol of devotion and modesty, and I fear what might happen if they see me as anything other than that. I’m supposed to be committed to God alone, not blushing over my handsome friend from out of town.” He was so worried. Valentine seemed so confident to show off but he feared what would happen if they reveal too much. Gabriel knew what happened to demons in churches they weren’t welcomed in. He’d seen it happen with his own eyes, was forced to read the books on how to do it himself, and he knew that powerful people with hatred in their hearts for even an inkling of difference would never stop until they get what they want. 

“Darling, look at me.” Valentine stood in front of him and gently took his hand in theirs. “It’s going to be alright. I promise you that no one saw my little display to you, and as far as I saw no one seemed to say anything about your blush today. I mean, if you ask me, it was quite warm in church today, and you were quite lively in today’s sermon.  I wouldn’t see anything unusual about how the priest was a bit more red than usual after that rousing sermon he gave. And I feel most people know how warm it can be in your cassock with all those layers.” They assured him. Gabriel wasn’t fully convinced, but their words did help. He stared down at his hand and watched Valentine gently stroke the back of his hand with a thumb. Such a small gesture, yet it still sent a shiver through his body at the touch. They didn’t want him to worry, he knew that. It was just hard sometimes to let these things go. He was always under scrutiny, always being perceived and his actions always judged by someone. If not by  God then by the townspeople who looked up to him. At least that’s what he felt. Maybe it wasn’t true. Maybe there wasn’t actually anyone who cared about these things besides him. He was just so worried all of the time lately. Maybe since he was a child. First about being good, following all the rules and being a faithful servant to the church. Then he worried about being sinful. Always ashamed of the way his heart beat against his chest when he saw Brother Marcus in the vestry, of the way he laid awake so many nights consumed with thoughts of him and Marcus doing terrible, lustful things. Now he was worried for Valentine and their safety. Of them being found out and torn away from the safety of his protection and killed. Soleil had to disguise themself as well, but for Valentine their disguise was a matter of life or death. Sol would be worshiped and adored if the townspeople knew what they were. But Valentine would be hunted down and killed before Gabriel’s feet if they were ever found out. 

Gabriel  was also worried about his reputation as a perfect chaste little servant of god. Someone pure, someone who was completely devoted to their god and had no room in their heart for any sinful thoughts of other people. The people saw him as one of them. No, better than them. They put him on a pedestal. They listened to his words and came to him for guidance, and he overheard how they spoke of him. With reverence, a deep respect. As if he was truly holy. But Gabriel knew he wasn’t. He was impure, tainted, guilty. His god did not answer his prayers and he knew he was dishonest to the townspeople when he pretended to be that man everyone saw him as.

He yearned for respite from the terror and guilt that plagued him for most of his life. He just wanted to let them all go. 

He let out a sigh, trying to let go of his worries with it. “You’re probably right. No one came up to me about anything today after the service so I suppose no one saw anything unusual.” He focused his attention on his hand being gently held in Valentine’s. He took another deep breath and forced the worries out of him along with it. In.  It will be okay. Out. No one saw what happened today. In. We’re safe. 

[@justaderivative hope you don’t mind me tagging you in this! This has a good bit of lore/info abt Gabriel in it so instead of making an info post about him (I mean I still probably will but yknow) this is some good info for him and his less fun and whimsical stuff ]

[lovelybarnes]

stood up- b. barnes

pairings: bucky barnes x reader, anderson x reader (?) warnings: angst, getting stood up, language, unrequited feelings about: prompts (DA29) “i got stood up.” + (DF30) “i think you’re my soulmate.” +(DF41) “are you going to cry? please don’t cry. a/n: i love to hurt but dw it’s a happy ending, i actually like this fjsk, a the time i finished this, i just posted another imagine, so i can’t wait for you guys to read this one in a couple days

every passing second makes you hyperaware of all the sympathetic stares that are currently directed at you. the feeling of pity is enveloping you whole, wrapping you in a thin layer of shame that you think must be related to the careful makeup you caked on your face for this date. your recently manicured nails scratch at the tablecloth, trying to avoid your new expensive dress, deep midnight color clinging to your nervous self. teeth stress your dark wine bottom lip, anxious eyes darting across the restaurant.

with each face that enters the place, none of them being his, the presumption that he isn’t coming solidifies. with it, comes the embarrassment. you can feel the warnings of tears, already threatening to ruin the mascara you had applied so carefully, not bothering to choose the waterproof one because why would you be crying on your date?

you suppose it’s your own fault- how dare you attempt to get over bucky? how dare you trust the words of a shield agent? you pick at your nails, gathering up the courage to stand up and leave. your waitress, however, beats you to it, a faux apologetic look on her face. “oh, so you’ve been here for, like, half an hour and it seems no one is coming, and we kind of need the table, so…”

you hold back an uncomfortable cringe, nodding stiffly as you stand. “right. i’m sorry. i don’t need to… pay for the water, right?” you ask dumbly, ducking your head when she shakes her head condescendingly.

pushing the door open, you step into the brisk air of the night, clouded over with an uneasy disappointment that you’re sure is because of you. you stand for a second to look at the stars, realizing how pretty of a night this would be if you weren’t so damn frustrated. the upset hasn’t passed yet, although the beginnings of anger are peeking up in your stomach.

while you stare up at the moon, the universe decides your getting stood up wasn’t enough, choosing to gift you with cold droplets of water that make your mascara run. it’s unbelievable, you nearly scoff tearily.

you walk to your car then, the moonlight that should have been romantic when you walked out of the restaurant now only making you feel lonely. you don’t let the tears come yet, having enough pride to not let the smitten couples appreciating the romance of the rain see you cry, deciding to put that off until you’re in the quietness of your room.

you drive in the sound of the pattering rain, concentrated on keeping your breathing even so as to push back the tears, not wanting to have an accident on the way back home because your vision was clouded over with sadness.

-

the relief you feel when you arrive at the compound is immeasurable; the knowledge that all you have to do is walk quietly to your room, and you can release the pent up emotions that eat you whole is unbelievably satisfying. the horrible itching feeling that comes with the tears arrives again when you notice your reflection in the impressively clean windows of the stark compound. through the stains of your ruined makeup, you can see the remnants of how dolled up you were, how much time was spent with the intricate details that made you smile when you looked at yourself in the mirror.

you swallow back the painful lump in your throat, opening the doors and sniffling at the dimly-lit room. your heels click tiredly on the floor, precious bracelet lightly jangling when you move. you can’t find it in yourself to care when you realize you’re dragging water inside, resigning to letting stark lecture you in the morning.

as you stand in the elevator, waiting for it to reach your floor, the emotions you’ve pushed so far down decide to spring back up in the form of an overwhelming dejected exhaustion that makes you physically slump. you lean against the cool of the metal railing, shutting your eyes hard to avoid looking at yourself. you only pry your eyes open when you hear the soft ding of the elevator, surprised and once again embarrassed to see bucky standing between the open doors.

“y/n?” he asks quietly. his demeanor immediately changes when he takes you in, body softer in the way it always is when you’re with him. his reaction makes you fall deeper, which reminds you exactly why you were going on your failed date. you straighten, clearing your throat, “um- i have to get to my room.”

your voice is thin, heightening his worries and stopping you with a gentle hand to your arm before you step off the elevator, “what’s wrong? what happened? are you okay?” he asks, and you nod blindly at all of his questions, realizing that the longer you stay with him- with his warm hand that you can’t help but lean into pressed against your cold arm- the more you really want to cry and scream because it’s not fair that he’s been given to you, yet you can’t have him, even if he has you.

“i’m fine,” you lie obviously, forcing your eyes again from his. “y/n, what happened? you’re clearly not fine,” bucky pushes, the hand on your arm beginning to rub stressed circles into your skin. you give up then, looking back at him. “i got stood up,” you say finally, words cracked. you shake your head, “and i just spent so much time on everything and-”

“that’s stupid. who would stand you up?” bucky interrupts, eyes genuinely confused while you scoff. “apparently anderson from security,” you respond bitterly, looking away. “he’s stupid, y/n. he has to be to not go to a date with you.”

you exhale frustratedly, “maybe not. maybe there’s something wrong with me and i’m the stupid one for even thinking someone would want to go out with me,” you countered. “hey, no, you are- you are amazing, y/n. amazing and stunning and intelligent and he missed his chance to be the luckiest guy in the world,” he insisted, gently pulling your attention back to him with a gentle hand on your cheek. you give him a watery laugh through the loud, unfair questions in your head: why don’t you love me like i love you, then?

you don’t realize the tears that run down the streaks of already ruined mascara until bucky points them out, wiping them away with his fingers, “no, no, don’t cry, please don’t cry,” he begs. you can’t help it, though, biting your lip to hold back your unrequited confessions of love.

“nobody wants me. i don’t even think i want me anymore,” you weep, oblivious to the breaking of bucky’s heart when he hears your words, pulling you flush against his chest. “don’t say that, doll. that’s not true-”

“it is. what other reasons can you think of that explain why i’m the only one that’s shown up to the rare dates i’ve been on? why have i had to go on those stupid dates just to forget how pathetic i am that i can’t get over you?”

you’re too deep in the ocean of your thoughts to realize what you’ve said, too little light available in the dark to let you realize the hints you have and will undoubtedly let out if you continue blubbering into bucky’s shoulder like the mess you are. your feelings are scattered, words so disorganized that any way you piece them together will be a mistake. “why else does the one person who i actually want to love me back not want me?”

bucky can make sense of the words you’re saying, the heavy weight they carry when he realizes exactly what they mean, and what you imply. he’s frozen, heart simultaneously fluttering at the mere thought of his feelings being returned and breaking at the cries you’re letting out because of him.

he’s refused to ever be the source of your pain, restricting his own poems of confessions because he didn’t want to hurt you, never wanting to be the reason you cried. he supposes now it was the wrong choice, one he needs to fix.

the bead of insecurity buried stubbornly in his mind shrieks, however, because he’s as clueless as you are and can’t possibly imagine someone like you- so kind and pure and good- loving him back. so he needs to make sure, needs to hear you say it in your voice.

“what?” you let out a watery scoff, full of embarrassment rather than annoyance at him, “don’t make me say it, bucky, please-”

“please say it- i- i need you to say it.”

a beat of silence passes before you sniffle, pulling away from the man you’ve called your best friend and wanted nothing but to be able to call him more. “i love you, bucky. in a way that makes me pretty sure you’re my soulmate because i don’t even believe in that but you make me feel like i should.”

bucky’s storm clouds lighten, doubts dissolving when he listens to what you said, tasting your words and examining each one just to remember it. he pulls your lips to his when they’ve barely processed. “you should,” he says when he pulls away for a second, only to make you lose your breath again when he aches for you immediately, kissing you again, “believe in soulmates.”

“why is that?” you ask breathlessly, letting him pull you back in because you both have been waiting- dreaming about this for so damn long, and he isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to keep away from you now that he has you. he presses a sloppy kiss to your lips, so perfectly imperfect when your teeth clash and you both laugh gently, noses nudging each other when he leans his forehead on yours, “because we’re meant to be, y/n. in that way that soulmates are.”

[arcadejohn127-9]

Hello!1st I wanted to say i love your blog its *chefs kiss*,and 2nd could I request (i dont know if this is in someway triggering or not so i apologize) a MC who doesnt believe the brothers can love them 'cause they despise themself and they are so set on (?) with that mindset that the brothers cant convince them otherwise,but MC themself wants to feel loved they...just cant...and they just breakdown saying they arent special and when the brothers meet other humans they will realise that MC is nothing,that they are a horrible being and they will leave them for somebody better,does that make sense I dont wanna go too deep into it(totaaaaally not self projecting)I am so sorry if this is a sensitive topic,feel free to ignore this ask,this has been eating me out for weeks so I just wanted to seek some comfort.Once again your blog is great and dont overwork yourself, take care! :D 🤍

I've definitely been there and even now, I still have these fears. Growing out of these Insecurities and feelings are hard even if you work hard to be as confident as you can. One day it'll happen but until then you just gotta keep reminding yourself that you're worth the world

Also tip, please don't rely on others for self worth - people can be cruel or simply just unpredictable. Not all but until you see every colour of a person you don't know. If you depend on someone else to give you worth and make you feel good then that'll start a very unhealthy cycle for yourself

I hate this phase "love yourself before you love others" because you don't need to, you can find healthy and happy relationships whilst insecure. But I think what it really means is; get self worth before you love another. Make sure you don't do yourself damage by giving you Someone who does the bare minimum or will sometimes make you feel good but is usually a dick.

You can find love but that love can be wrong if you don't pay attention to the red flags. Don't let your insecurities drag you into unhealthy relationships.

Because you are stunning, worth it and loveable. You're Someone people can look up to or admire even if it's for something simple like your humour.

Also thank you, I'll be sure to not overwork myself, make sure you don't pressure yourself too hard about work or your hobbies. Hobbies are all about fun!

Warning: self loathing, depressive themes, angst

You could stand it.

Your eyes traveled along the gifts and trinkets that were in your room. Each one gifted to you by a powerful demon; a demon you live with.

You couldn't stand it.

You could get it; why would someone like that every like you? You weren't special and yet Everyone insisted that you were. You're not the key. Not anything Diavolo wants or expects. Definitely not what the brothers want.

You had to scoff. The brothers only like you because of Lilith, if you were related then they'd never see you as anything but some human. Lilith dragged you here, she made sure you came here and for what? To be always told you're going to be some big thing; someone to destroy hatred and help bring together three realms.

Do they not realize how much pressure that is??!!!! And the how are you even going to do that?! You're magic is unpredictable and useless - it perfectly reflects you.

You whimpered at your own thoughts. The word useless stinging at your heart; it was almost if a knife lodged itself into your chest. Constantly stabbing the word useless into it.

You were useless. They need to find someone who can actually live up to their expectations. Just a good for nothing human....why do they even like you?

You looked back at the gifts, your watery stare turning into a hateful glare.

The question was burning inside your head. You couldn't understand; what did he see in you? You're not special! You're not anything anyone wants you to be and you're just being forced on a pedestal you didn't make!

Why did he always look at you the way he does? Like you actually mean something. Why does he smile so softly when you enter the room?

Why would he be like that when you KNOW that as soon as he meets another human, he'll be running after them without hesitation. Everyone was so much more attractive than you and better than you - you couldn't get why he loved you. Why- no how?! You weren't good enough for him!

No matter how many times he says I love you or compliments you it leaves such a bitter disgusting taste in your mouth. You're so horrible you can't even let people be nice to you - it's all a lie anyway. No one could love you. Never. No one!

You were useless! Disgusting! You weren't even attractive! You weren't loveable! You're a horrible person who looks just as horrible as they are. How can they look at you like that?! How can they stand you?! You're nothing!

You don't get it!

Why?! Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why-!

A scream ripped itself out of your throat. Tears streaming down your face as you clutched your head. Your body curled into itself, shaking and trembling as you choked on your sobs. You coughed through it as you tried to breath but the tears kept coming. Drowning you as you desperately tried to breath under their weight.

The pain was unbelievable. You felt like your head was on fire. You could barely even make out the figure standing at your door. Whoever they were, they scooped you up from the floor and rubbed circles into your arms. You clutched to them for dear life as you cried.

Somewhere in your brain you could tell who it was and it only made you cry harder. Shame filling your lungs as you tried to escape their caring embrace.

"No-! Stop it! I'm nothing! I'm useless-! Let me go-!! Why- why won't you leave me alone?! I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! LET ME DIE-!"

were you dying? You felt like it. The ache was painful; your chest growing tighter and tighter. You pounded on their chest, demanding they let you be the useless thing that you are alone.

Lucifer:

He forced back his tears

Just rubbing circles into your skin as he held you

To think you were this Insecure despite being the nicest person who knew

You were Better than him and don't let pride stop you - you were amazing

"not good enough for me? What made you believe that...? You're perfect for me, you complete me."

You denied his claims, sobbing as you listed your insecurities

"Your insecurities don't define you, you're so much more than that - I wouldn't of picked you to be my love if I didn't think you'd be adequate."

He wasn't sure if you were still listening but he pushed past his doubts

Adjusting you in his embrace

"I- I'm not sure if I'm comforting you....I'm not good at being the gentle hand, I want you to see how I see you - you're kind, charming and always keeping me in awe, you mean so much to me, I'll trade anything I could just to see you smile - I love you."

Mammon:

There can only be one self loathing idioit in this relationship

He refuses to let you feel like how he has

His forced confidence - you could easily see through it - anyone could

But you were the only one who then actually helped him feel better when you did see through it

He let a few tears stray, holding you close

"did someone say something to you? I don't forgive 'em for ever making ya this upset, I'm not letting you feel like this."

You shook your head, muttering that he should let you

"why should I? You're my favourite person and you've only made me happy - so let me make you happy! You're the only person who's ever treated me the way ya treat me and I won't let you hate yourself!"

He hugged you even tighter, squeezing you as he hid his face in your shoulder

"you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, okay? You always know how to make me feel better and it's my turn to make you feel better but you gotta listen to me! I lo-love you! The great Mammon loves you so badly that he just wants to kiss you every day! You're amazing and I won't forgive ya if you let yourself keep going on like this, let me support you.... please...I don't want you to go."

Levithan:

He couldn't get it

He's always been jealous of your personality and ability to make others feel good

His envy makes him despise himself - so seeing you be the same, he couldn't take it

He gave you one big squeeze

"d-don't be stupid! You're the best thing that's come into my life - even better than ruri-chan!"

You didn't believe him, he was obessed with that character

"but it's true-! If I could I'd get loads of merchandise of you too because you're my favourite person! You're just like the protagonists I read about."

His face was beat red but he was determined to make you feel better

"You're Henry, you are brave and kind, always trying your best even if that best isn't up to your own or others standards, you Inspire me! I've thought about of making a series about you...so others can feel just as happy as I do when I see you, you make me feel less insecure and like I actually mean something - why can I do to make you feel the same? You mean everything to me! I really like you....I like-like you-! I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY! Let me make you feel how you make me feel because then you'll see just how amazing you are!"

Satan:

Did someone makes you feel like this or was it just your own thoughts?

If it isn't the latter he'll need to find out who's hurt you

But right now, he hugged you tighter and cradled your head

He couldn't stand to see and hear you so destressed

"did I do something to make you feel like this? I'm so sorry if I did, I don't always realize when I come off rude or hateful- I could never hate you."

You held him tight, telling him to stop

"but I need to fix it if I've hurt you and if it wasn't me then whoever did needs to keep quiet, you don't deserve these feelings."

You huffed, trying to not cry more

He gave your Shoulder a small squeeze

"you're more than enough for me, you're so good to me - sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough for you, you're always so patient with me and don't make me feel like I'm some unthinking beast, you don't think I'm lying when I be genuine and that makes me love you - I do love you - you make me feel good and I want to do the same for you, you're beyond good and I'll always be happy with the person you are and can become because I know you can do so much and always bring positivity even in the darkest times."

Asmodeus:

He's crying too

He hated of being seen as insecure

He only wanted confidence

Seeing you sob and beat on yourself like this only reminded him of his most private moments

He held you even closer, rocking you gently

"No, dear, I love you too much to let you feel like this, you're amazing to me and I think you're better than even myself, you're my number 1."

You shook your head, telling him he's lying

"I'm not, why would I lie? You're the sweetest person I know, you don't see me as some sex object - you make me feel real and happy - so so happy."

He kissed the top of your head, hiding his tear streaked face

"I want you to be happy....you deserve it, you've got only so long to live and I'm so scared that you're going to hate yourself even until you die, I don't want that! You're beautiful amazing and I could never ask for anyone better! Please- just let's work on our confidence together...okay? You're so wonderful, don't let yourself become so hateful."

Beezlebub:

He's absolutely broken

How didn't he realize you felt this bad about yourself??

He didn't even realize he was crying aswell, just holding you close as his mind screamed at him

"did something make you feel like this? It hurts to hear you say these things."

You shook your head before nodding, muttering you just won't talk anymore

"I didn't mean that, I always want you to be open with me and if not me, atleast one of my brother's."

He picked you up, placing you in a more comfortable position and held you close to his chest

"I love you, it took me awhile to realize that but I do, you make me feel full and happy - like I just ate a big buffet of warm cakes and dishes, I'm always warm when I'm with you, I don't believe you're not good enough - you're kind to me and never judge me for eating, you help me with working out but most importantly, you fixed my family and brought my twin back, I don't know how to make you see how much that means to me and I don't want you to feel bad about yourself when you're always the best person in the room - you're really great."

Belphegor:

"just let me die"

Those words hurt him so bad

He was like that, he demanded to be left to Rot with his own self loathing when Lilith died

He pulled you close to his chest as he grabbed your shoulder

"You're not allowed to feel like this, you've done nothing to feel this much hatred towards yourself."

You told him he was wrong, crying harder

"when am I wrong? I- okay, I can be wrong but I'm not wrong about you, you're my favourite person which means I love you and I don't let my favourite people sit and cry."

He cuddled you, nuzzling his cheek against yours

"You saved me and I will never able to make it up to you, I've hurt you and I hate it- I hate that I'm a reason you get scared, don't ever let yourself rot away, when my brother's just leave me to sleep I always feel so much dread - that I'm being left to die in my bed and will never get to see their faces again - I'll never be able to see your face again....I wouldn't be able to take it.....seeing you everyday makes me want to leave my bed and always make sure you smile, let me make you smile again."

[seraphinitegames]

Seraphinite Games Update 2021

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I hope it's already starting off to be a great one for you all!

This is going to be quite a long update this time :D

So, basically, I need to change up the way I'm doing things. I was freaking out before Christmas because I didn't have enough time to do everything.

Thankfully, I have Nai on my team now, and wow, I am in serious awe of her organisation skills!

She sat me down calmly at our meeting and figured out everything that needs to be done as well as how to plan it in! She took everything I was anxious about and made it work!!

Things were fine for Book One and even most of Book Two, but I've got so much more social media, and other things, as well as Book Three being SO big. Like, the sheer amount of variations, branches and content going into it. You may not get to see it all in a playthrough, but I'm hoping replays will show just how much is going into it!

Now I'm not complaining about this in the slightest! I am so excited about what's going in this book and that I can put it in there. It's everything I've ever wanted to create in a story! Like, I can't spoil anything, but there's so many chapters in this that I am dying to write the variations for!!

But that doesn't stop the fact that it takes time. More time than I needed for Book One or Two, and I just couldn't find the time on top of social media and everything else that goes along with this last year.

Yet obviously, I still really wanna talk to you guys :D Getting to interact with you and get excited about what's coming and share in your enthusiasm keeps me unbelievably motivated!

It's just now I have a better way of doing it instead of getting so completely overwhelmed.

Nai reminded me that I brought her on board to help ease my tasks, so I need to actually use her for that, hehe :D

So Nai is going to take over the reblogs on Tumblr for me, as well as running my Instagram account. Tuesday and Thursday will still be the days for my pictures, it's just I will send them to her to post for me, then she's got so amazing plans on stuff she wants to do with Instagram too!

She already handles Facebook and Twitter for me, so that's all the same.

I will be cutting down on the amount of asks I do everyday on Tumblr, there will be about 2-3 asks and 2 matchups. But, Nai made yet another fantastic suggestion, so we're going to get a video up together once a month on Youtube where I answer Tumblr asks or asks from other platforms.

Hopefully that means I have more time to properly answer asks. Last year, I was trying to answer as many asks I could fit into my day, but I wasn't getting the time to really answer them as I wanted! I’m also just not willing to go through the amount of horrible messages I get anymore, so I need less of that everyday.

That video will probably be released on the last Wednesday of every month. Things might change as we bed in this new schedule.

Patreon will be exactly the same. I'll still be the main on that one for messages, comments, etc. Though I will be adding a monthly poll to the $5+ tiers...partly because I'm nosey and want to see how you guys play Wayhaven, hehe ;D

Nai also helped me come up with a whole year's worth of content ideas, and guys...there's some really good stuff coming, including the long awaited Book One first meeting scene from the LI's pov, and another Character Q+A!

The weekly updates and update+ will be the same.

Also in even more incredible news, SpunkyCatNinja has officially joined the Seraphinite Games team as editor!! Yay!

I mean, she was already a major part of it, but now it's proper official!

All of this should hopefully mean that I get to have more time for the thing we're all really here for...the actual game :D Somewhere we can go away from the world/internet/social media/real life to romance 4 hot vampires and feel like we're really part of a story and world.

I'm feeling super optimistic about this new plan of action, especially after how much I was freaking out before Christmas! 

So here's to an amazing and productive 2021! <3

[startanewdream]

Oh my God, Mah! Happy Birthday to you in advance! ❤❤ Never missing an opportunity to read more of your writing. Here's a prompt:

“Is it really that hard for you to admit that I’m clever?” “Yes.”

Thank you so much, Claudia! ❤ You are too lovely!

Hope you enjoy Lily pushing James against the wall (metaphorically, of course) 😁:

‘I thought you didn’t fancy me anymore,’ Lily declares, her voice too casual for the way these words make James’ heart start a fast race towards his early death.

‘W-what?’

‘Fancy me,’ she repeats, unfazed, not seeming to notice the way his mouth is dry and he is sweating suddenly. She places a lock of her hair behind her ear, face as serene as if she was talking about the cool weather. ‘You nearly got me convinced we could be friends.’

‘We are friends,’ he insists. ‘I mean—we are, right?’

‘Yeah,’ agrees Lily, warmer now. ‘But I mean just friends. That kind of friendship where there is nothing between them, like… me and Sirius, I guess.’

‘Sirius? Really? Everyone is attracted to Sirius. I have a crush on Sirius.’

‘Nah, he’s not really my type. My type is strangely oblivious.’ Lily watches him quiet for a moment, but James cannot understand what she’s talking about. There is only panic inside him as he considers where he has slipped, where he couldn’t keep his feelings for her at bay. ‘Well, in any case, you like me.’

‘As friends,’ he declares at once, urging her to believe in him.

‘Friends don’t get jealous because I was talking to another boy.’

There is a conceited gleam on her eyes as she says it that’s strangely familiar to James; he has already seen it in his reflection on the mirror and he’s under the impression she learned that with him.

‘You mean Smith? He’s the captain of the Hufflepuff team and we’re gonna play them this weekend. That wasn’t jealousy, just… Gryffindor pride.’

‘Oh, right, and last week when Corner was trying to ask me out and you kept mentioning all the reasons he was a git?’

‘Overly excessive Gryffindor chivalry. You deserve someone far better.’

‘Like you?’

James sighs. ‘No,’ he admits, and that’s the problem, isn’t it? Lily deserves someone much better than him, which is why he should be glad to just be her friend.

And now he screwed up even that.

‘Oh, James,’ she takes a step closer to him, but he shakes his head. He can’t deal with pity, not from her.

‘We are friends. Just that. I… I won’t bother you.’

Lily blinks. ‘You save me a toast every Tuesday morning for breakfast because I always wake up late after Astronomy class the night before. You distract me every time I get an owl from home because you know the letter will make me upset. You go to the kitchen with me anytime I’m craving for a dessert even before I say anything.’

‘I know you… as I know my friends.’

‘Yeah, but it’s not the same, is it?’ Her voice becomes softer. ‘I’ve been watching you and wondering if it was one-sided, but things just keep adding and... Is it really that hard for you to admit that I’m clever here?’

‘Yes.’ She raises one eyebrow and James suddenly realizes what he just said. ‘No! I mean, I know you are clever, but…’

Lily sighs, watching him as if he is unbelievable, and takes another step closer to him, her face dangerously closer.

‘So if we are just friends, one kiss wouldn’t make any difference, would it?’

She is right, but James can only think of the differences that this would mean for his friendship with Lily. Could he survive after one kiss? One friendly kiss that would make him long for more?

He hesitates.

‘James,’ she sighs again, watching him with a mix of exasperation and tenderness. ‘You are so oblivious. How do I think I noticed all those things about you?’

‘I am horrible at pretending I don’t fancy you?’

‘No, silly. It’s because I was watching you too. Have been for a while now.’

‘Watching me? As in—’

‘As in wanting to punch something when you were talking to Dearborn, or when you got too close to teach Flint that charm movement. And enough to save you a piece of orange cake after every full moon because you always come late for breakfast and I know you love it.’

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Well, you are clearly the most clever here, Evans,’ James declares, beaming.

‘Now, how about I exercise some Gryffindor bravery and kiss you?’

‘That’d be very daring,’ he agrees, pulling her into his arms. Their kiss is fire, red and gold fireworks and very Gryffindor as far as James is concerned.

[spencersawkward]

omg omg i know matthews birthday isnt for a couple weeks but i would die for a bday sex one shot omg

i made you wait so long for this i'm so sorry omg. one-shots usually take me longer bc i want them to be detailed!

summary: reader has plans for Matthew’s 41st birthday, but things take their own turn. 

content warnings: unprotected penetrative sex, oral (male receiving), degradation, Soft!Dom Matthew with some fluff, too; fingering, creampie, implied age gap. 

pairing: Fem!Reader/Matthew

word count: 4.3k

masterlist

I haul the enormous bag of flour onto the counter, grunting. it's early afternoon, and my day has been spent wrapping all of Matthew's gifts and trying to plan out the perfect birthday celebration. he's turning 41, and all I want is for him to feel as special as he feels to me. the cake is the last piece of the puzzle, and I'm hoping that my less-than-excellent culinary skills improve over the course of the next few hours.

I set out all the ingredients first, swaying to my music while I go through the recipe and decide how much I need. it shouldn't be too complicated, right? just chocolate cake with buttercream frosting. I thought I'd try to recreate the Rumple Buttercup cartoon with it, but now I'm not so sure. that might be flirting with disaster.

instead of deciding right there, I just get started on the batter. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

the air is thick with sweetness and warmth as the oven slowly pre-heats and I stir together the silky smooth chocolate batter. I pour the mix into a round baking pan, tapping it a bit to make sure it's even, before pushing it into the oven. naturally, I lick the whisk clean.

my phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull it out to see that Matthew's texted me.

on my way home now!

my heart stutters in my chest as I check the time. he's definitely early; he told me this morning that he wouldn't be at home until at least seven. my eyes flicker to the cake, over the messy kitchen, and back to my screen.

early?

yep. can't wait to see you. followed by a series of heart emojis. I start to panic a little. this throws my whole schedule off; I was going to do my hair, pick up food from his favorite restaurant, set the table, litter the bed with rose petals. I wanted everything to be just right for him; it's the first time he's had a birthday with me.

and now he's going to come home to me with flour-dusted cheeks and a half-baked cake. I quickly clean the kitchen and wipe my face before running off to the bedroom, rifling through my closet for something nice. thank god I already showered this morning because there's no way I'd have time now. I find the dress I'd planned to wear, red and slinky and pretty, before dropping my clothes and changing right away.

truly, I move at the speed of light when I do my hair, scatter the rose petals, and call the restaurant to get our order started. we'll need to run out and get it, but Matthew likes going for walks, so that shouldn't be a problem.

the smell of chocolate wafts through the house while I tie an apron around my waist and get a bowl out of the cabinets. the cake needs to cool for a while, but I might as well get started on the frosting. who knows how long that'll take?

too damn long, apparently.

Matthew opens the front door while I'm halfway through my crumb coat, the soft green shade of the Rumple Buttercup colors coming along nicely. I start to panic a little when I hear his footsteps on the stairs.

"Y/N!" he calls out.

"kitchen!" I respond without moving. he probably shouldn't see the cake, but at this point it's too late. there's fluffy buttercream frosting and food coloring all over my apron. all I can do is wait patiently as he strolls into the room.

"what are you up to?" he sets his hand on my back, smiling.

"making your cake, birthday boy."

"mmm." he wraps a hand around my arm, drags it down while leaning his chin on my shoulder. "looks really nice so far."

"you like the color?" I ask.

"I do." he mumbles, starting to touch my waist. "what material is this?"

"silk."

"you know I love that." he squeezes my waist and I have to resist the blush spreading up my cheeks. he's affectionate right now, and I want to resist, but it's hard.

"what're you doing?" I question playfully in response to the drifting of his fingers down my thighs.

"I'm excited to see you."

"I'm excited to see you, too, but we have a strict schedule tonight."

Matthew groans and drops his head into the space between my neck and shoulder. his hands don't leave my hips.

"why?" he whines.

"because I want you to have the best birthday ever." I smooth off the top of the cake, sighing when he digs his fingernails into me. it feels heavenly, and the featherlight kisses he's leveling on my jaw are making me woozy.

"making me wait?" he brushes over my ass, squeezing the flesh lightly. "that's cruel."

I laugh a little and swipe my finger through the frosting.

"try this and tell me if I'm still cruel."

he grabs my hand in both of his, sliding my index into his mouth and licking it off of me. my jaw drops in surprise before he pulls away and drops it. it's unbelievably sexy.

"that is really good." he smiles, then kisses my cheek in an alarmingly innocent manner. he knows what he's doing. "don't be a tease, darling."

"you--" I stutter, trying to regain my concentration. it's futile at this point; it isn't until he moves away from my body that I'm able to keep working on the cake. he only glances with a knowing smirk, walking around the counter to sit across from me.

"how was your day?"

"my day was jam-packed with planning for a little ingrate's birthday." I joke.

"I'm not an ingrate." he protests. one look at his pout and I feel guilty for teasing. standing on tiptoes, I lean over the counter and plant a kiss on his mouth.

"you're right, I'm sorry," I sigh. "I just had a whole plan and when you came home early, I didn't have time for all of it."

"what can I do?" he offers immediately. I scowl.

"you're not gonna help me prepare your birthday celebration, silly."

"but I wanna make it easier."

"you wanna make it easier?" I ask, the corners of my lips quirking up. he nods enthusiastically and I hold his gaze. "I need to go pick up our dinner, so you can walk with me."

"ooh, yes!" he leaps up in an almost child-like manner, coming around to my side again. I nuzzle into his shoulder as I finish piping the face onto the cake. he snorts when he sees the completed project. "is that Rumple?"

"shut up, it looks so bad." I complain. my body leans into his in defeat. even though I tried, Rumple looks like he's been possessed and exorcised in one sitting: he's got crazy eyes and a lopsided face.

"no, it's beautiful," he pecks the top of my head. "he's supposed to look funny."

all I can do is turn around and hug him, giggling at the absolute monstrosity that I've created. he wraps his arms around me tightly and we start to sway a little.

"I feel like Victor Frankenstein." I laugh. he untangles our bodies to tilt my chin up and look at him.

"you're way cuter." he rubs my nose with his own. I'm smiling so big, it hurts. he makes me so unbelievably happy, I can't imagine not being by his side. Matthew is the best boyfriend in the world, and I really want everything to live up to his expectations.

our fingers thread together briefly before we get ready to go pick up our food.

...

"I am literally going to combust." I giggle, throwing my napkin onto the table. red wax drips down the sides of the candle between us, and Matthew's eyes are starry as he watches me talk.

"good?" he asks.

"amazing. how was yours?"

"could barely get it down." he gestures to the empty plate. I throw my head back and laugh more than I should. Matthew frowns. "what?"

"that's such a dad joke."

"really?" he laughs along with me until we're both just smiling brightly at each other. I don't want to step too far; we've been dating under a year, still. but I see myself with Matthew forever. we've already moved in together; I've never felt so strongly as I feel for him, and I think that he feels it, too. in our bones.

"yes, but I like dad jokes."

"come here." he holds his arms out and I get up from the table, walking over to sit on his lap. he shifts so I can be more comfortable, and I place both hands on my stomach.

"I have such a food baby right now."

"do you?" he sets one hand over the bump. I lean my head into his shoulder, curling up a little. he starts to rub my tummy gently, holding me close while we sit in a relative quiet. "I like it."

"mmm." I hum, wrapping my arms around his neck. although he could easily turn this sexual, he doesn't. we just linger, breathing and letting our food settle. I really am full; the chances of me falling asleep are higher than not.

I ask Matthew to tell me more about his day as I sit there, and the rumble of his voice in his chest is soothing. as the candle wax drips further and further down, I watch it with lethargic eyes. I've had a hard year-- Matthew's made it better. he can read me like a book, and he listens like I've got all the answers in the world. I love him. and when I head to the kitchen to slice the cake, he follows me with his arms around my waist. we move like two people who have been together a long time, like we can anticipate the next person's movement down to the flicker of their eye contact, down to their step.

"I can't believe you have room for dessert." I grab a knife from the drawer, along with some plates. Matthew kisses my head.

"I've got room for multiple desserts."

"was that a sexual allusion or are you actually hungry?" I turn briefly to gauge his behavior. if he hasn't had enough to eat, I'll feel horrible. but he leans down to my ear. it still sends a shiver down my spine.

"definitely sexual," he smirks, then retreats. "let's do this, though, first. I want a piece of Rumple's eyeball."

"just get out the candles so I can do this for you." I push him away. he heads to the cupboard and returns with the pack of candles that I begin to spear into the cake. I only put in ten because there's not room for forty-one, but he doesn't seem to mind as I light them up individually.

"go sit down! you weren't even supposed to come in here." I laugh as I lift the dish into my arms and shoo him into the other room. Matthew gives me a sidelong look, smiling for an unknown reason, before following my orders.

he pretends to look surprised when I bring the thing out to him, mouth making a pleased O shape.

"wow!" he cheers.

"make a wish, then, my love." I tell him. he inhales deeply, then blows out the candles. one or two stragglers remain, their flames flickering before he tries again and snuffs them out. I clap my hands.

"happy birthday, baby!"

he grins at me and starts to pluck the candles out of the cake. "you didn't sing to me." he says.

"trust me, that was a gift in itself." I laugh before picking up the knife. "how big a slice do you want?"

Matthew seems to think for a second on this, squinting as he examines the thing.

"big."

"alright then." I cut an enormous hunk out, making sure to get one of the maddened eyeballs on it before sliding it onto the plate and giving it to him. "enjoy."

"oh, I will." before I can move to sit across from him, he reaches out and pulls me into his lap. I let out a surprised noise, but settle in anyway on his thigh while I cut my own slice of cake. we eat together.

"it's actually pretty good." I'm impressed with myself. sure, it's not a super complicated recipe. but I still did well. Matthew wraps his arm around my waist, one hand holding his plate while the other digs the fork in.

"it's amazing." he nods through a mouthful of food.

"how's the eye?"

"how you'd expect a vitreous humor to taste." he jokes, laughing as I elbow him in the ribs. "ow!" he complains. I swipe some of the frosting off the top of his slice and tap it over his nose. he wrinkles it at the sensation.

"maybe I'll just leave." I move to get up, but he keeps me in place. his little smile, so determined in its happiness, makes my heart soften. for all of his teasing, he's weak for me, and I love it. when I lean down a little to lick the icing off, he blushes.

"when can I have you?" he asks quietly, one hand resting on the top of my bare thigh. it tightens around my skin, growing more aware of my presence in his lap. I bite my lip and mull this over, subtly draw the hem of my dress up a bit just to tease him.

"I'm thinking..." this time, he lets me get up. my fingers slide through his, dragging him with me. "now."

Matthew gets an excited grin on his face before I spin around and lead him to the bedroom. a couple candles are burning, filling the room with a deep, sensual smell that he inhales as he stops in his tracks.

"did you put rose petals on our bed?" he chuckles, staring at me with his eyebrows raised in an adoring expression. I run my palms up his chest, stopping below his shoulders. I poke my tongue between my teeth as I smile.

"yes, I did."

"very romantic."

"is it?" I lift an eyebrow. it takes everything in me not to pounce on him right then.

"consider me seduced."

"if you ever use that word again, I'm calling this off." I laugh. he silences it in a kiss, eagerly gathering my body up in his arms as he tilts his head to deepen it. a slight moan slips through me, pleased with the gentle, innocent pleasure he elicits. he's softer than velvet. when he crushes the silk of my dress in his fist, lifting it over my ass so he can touch me without barriers, he groans.

"did I pay for this?" he rolls the fabric between his fingers.

"mhmm." I hum.

"good." his breath hitches when the zipper comes down easily, the garment falling to the floor and leaving me in brand new black lingerie. his eyes move hungrily over my body, pupils dilating further as he takes in the curves of my figure.

"this is new."

I twist around a bit, showing him the back as well, his grip on my waist loosening only to allow me this movement. "you like it?"

he groans. "I love it."

I want to start undressing him, greedy for the sight of his naked body, but he reaches down and lifts me into his arms, my legs wrapping around him while he carries me to the floral-covered mattress. I sink into a rosy paradise, almost give into the alluring sensations he causes with his fingertips over my skin.

he's between my legs, teeth seeking out collarbone and the swell of my chest. it would be so, so easy to remain here, pinned down and allowing him to let loose on me. every deliberate shadow on my body is like a sunburst. but I can't.

I grab his shoulders and yank him down next to me. he peers at me with a smile, wondering what I've got in store. the answer is too loaded to fit into one sentence, so I watch him move up the bed until he's resting his head on the pillow, my legs moving to straddle him.

"taking control?" he questions. he knows I don't usually like to be on top. instead of replying, I reach behind me and undo the clasps of my bra, sliding it from my arms before tossing it somewhere else. his eyes widen and he goes to grab at my tits, but I'm too quick. I lean down, unbuttoning his shirt and drawing my nails over his chest as I lower myself to his pants.

Matthew is silent, open-mouthed at the red marks I leave behind on his smooth skin. it's intoxicating for me, too, and I work quickly to tug his bottoms down his legs, the boxers with them. when his dick is released, I let him struggle through a moment of no contact.

"let me touch you." he goes to stroke himself. my gaze flickers between the length he's now gripping in his hand and the needy look on his face. I want to fuck him right now. every cell in my body aches for him, for the pleasure that so violently rips through my veins when he's inside.

"not yet." I betray myself, and his hips buck into empty air when he sees my torso so close to his erection. when I drop my head and lick up the underside, he lets go of himself and allows me to tease him. I pause at the tip, then hold the base while I spit on it.

"shit!" he grunts as I start to swirl my tongue around him. his fingers run through my hair. "suck on it, baby."

all I do is moan, the vibration torturing him. I peek up through my lashes and see the veins in his neck throbbing while he resists the urge to fuck my mouth. I soften and lower my head slowly, inch by inch swallowing his cock. he hits the back of my throat. the slight gag that runs through me makes him sigh. it's then that I tap his hand as our signal to push my head down.

Matthew loses it. he starts to shove my mouth onto him, fucking it, one hand reaching behind him to grab the top of the headboard while he groans.

"choke on it... fuck." he moans. there are tears in my eyes from the pressure, but I keep looking at him the whole time. he's gorgeous, mouth dropped open in ecstasy while he goes between rolling his eyes into the back of his head and staring with an intense desire.

every time I gag, he lets out an unholy noise and gets excited all over again, his hips moving to meet my lips until he's on the edge of falling apart. his cock twitches and I moan, but he's not willing to finish.

"get over here so I can fuck you." his voice is borderline raspy as he forces himself to release my head. I sit up and wipe the spit from my mouth, crawling on top of him again to leave some of my favorite marks on his neck. he's mine. every bite stands to prove it, and his quick breaths let me know that he's not going to wait much longer.

his fingertips hook in the waistband of my panties and he pushes them down my thighs, purses his lips while he watches me shimmy out of them. it's wonderful, seeing the disarray in his face whenever he catches sight of my naked form. he never knows where to touch first, moving over my breasts to my waist and hips down to my legs. like he's trying to blend our bodies together by simply drinking me in.

I tense when he reaches out and sinks two fingers into me. I'm so wet, it takes almost no pressure.

"fucking soaked, huh?" he smirks. my hands steady themselves on his shoulders as he starts to pump in and out of me. I groan.

"get inside, please." I murmur nearly incoherently. he starts to go faster, his cock throbbing against his stomach. but he wants me to squirm and beg.

"oh, so you've got demands?" he teases. his fingers curl in my pussy, brushing over my special spot, and I almost gasp at the pleasure. "after making me wait?"

"I just--" I start to defend myself, but it's fruitless. he guides my face down to his, whispering in my ear.

"let me guess: you just wanted me to have a good birthday?"

"yes." a choked, desperate reply.

"let me show you what kind of present I want, then." he removes his fingers and lines himself up at my entrance, pushing me all the way down before sliding the pads of his digits into my mouth. I lick them clean while I moan. his cock is so deep inside me, I can barely breathe.

the combined pressures between my hips and on my tongue, make me give up on drawing this out. it feels so good, I couldn't stop myself if I wanted to. I rise up a bit and sink onto him again, his jaw clenched at the sensation. he lets me do this a couple times and then pauses my actions.

"get on your hands and knees." he orders. I lift myself obediently, whining slightly at the loss of contact, before he sits up and switches positions so that he's kneeling behind. I wait patiently for him to do what he wants with me. he doesn't disappoint.

softly, he pushes my head down so that my cheek rests against the pillow while he slides in from the back. it's a completely different angle and I can barely handle the way he works through the tightness, his moans louder this time.

"thought you could sit on it and I would just let you?" he chuckles darkly, pulling out and moving in. my breath rattles in my chest at the repeated, delicious intrusions. my eyelids flutter shut while he keeps talking to me in that commanding, low tone. "you're my little slut."

the moan that comes from my lips is pathetic, like a mewl. he plows into me and my face presses into the mattress.

"such a perfect little pussy," his hands lure my hips to him while he groans at the new depths he keeps finding. "so responsive for me."

"faster, Matthew." I whine. although he's not going slow, I need more. the slam of his body against mine, from this angle, creates just short of enough friction for my clit. he follows my request, however, and fucks me at an insatiable pace.

"you like that?" he grunts. I literally don't have the mobility to nod, so I shove my ass back instead to take more. he bucks. "you feel so fucking good."

I whimper and he starts to stimulate my clit by reaching around, lowering himself a bit to do so. he keeps his arm pressed to my stomach so he can feel the bulge of his cock sliding in and out of me. "good girl. take it."

my fingertips fist the sheets and I whine as my orgasm approaches. he switches the pattern of pressure, finding what makes me fall apart fastest. I'm on the edge, my mouth dropping open in a silent cry. my hips start to move on their own, working against his cock as I moan his name and tumble into the abyss.

"Matthew, right there-- fuck me, fuck me--" I moan. he rams his hips so hard, the headboard slams the wall and he groans.

"you're gonna make me break you, baby." he warns. I bite my lip so hard that I almost puncture the skin, feeling like a planetary collision is occurring within my lower stomach. I'm coming up on a second climax.

"break me, then." I dare.

Matthew wraps his arm around my chest and brings me up so that I'm leaning against his chest while he whispers in my ear. "defiant little whores don't get my cum."

"but--" I complain, hips wriggling for more while he thrusts into me.

"apologize or I'll stop fucking you right now." he slows just to demonstrate the torture of not being inside me. I grasp at his hips to coax him, but he's determined. I take a shaky breath at the smooth, slow movements.

"I'm sorry." I beg. he reaches down and starts to play with my bundle of nerves again. as much as he wants to make me crash, he loves the way this feels, too.

"mmm," he hums while laying sloppy kisses along my neck. "good thing I wanna fill you up for being so sweet today."

his thrusts are uncontrolled and needy, rapid pushes between my legs that cause me to start shaking all over again. he rubs my clit and moans in my ear, spilling.

"I love you so much." he mumbles. the hand holding me to him squeezes one of my tits while I arch my spine and enjoy the slowing pace of our bodies. I moan his name.

"I love you, too." I'm in awe of how he changes for me, his attitude shifts whenever we're in bed. it's cosmic, how we fit together. and his withdrawal from my body causes both of us to collapse onto the bed with exhaustion.

I can only suck in air for a while. my limbs are like lead, in the best way.

"that was hot." he mutters. I turn to him, admiring his beautiful features, and nod lazily.

"a successful birthday, then?"

"after that cake? yeah." he scoffs jokingly and I giggle before curling into him. he traces his fingertips down my skin. "do you wanna take a shower?"

"I'm so tired." I groan. Matthew glances at me.

"I'm the one who just turned forty-one."

"shut up."

"come on, then. let's get you cleaned up."

he rises from the mattress, bringing me with him. a few stray rose petals flutter onto the ground.

[obey-only-me]

Kitten Lessons (Lucifer x F!Mc x Satan) By: Akuzondelivery

No one was going near the library. The volume of their conversation alone let everyone know that this was going to be a long argument. Satan and Lucifer were fighting. Again.

“What are they fighting about?” You had to yell over the rumble of curse words and energy as you stood in front of the door.

“I don’t remember but it’s never anything important!” Mammon yelled with his fingers in his ears.

The other brothers may be used to this but there was no way you could live like this.

When they still hadn’t left the library after dinner had been cleaned up, you stood in front of the door again. It felt dark...very dark. And the noises were so loud it was impossible to tell what language was being spoken. But you built up your courage! These brothers need a mediator!

Making a fist you banged on the large walnut doors as hard as you could. The sound was muffled by the loud screeches yet everything came to a halt at your soft by comparison knocks. Taking a deep breath you opened the door to the library and bravely stepped in.

“Uh-um, hey you two.” Your voice was quiet as you entered the room, closing the door behind you.

Scanning the room you spotted Lucifer sitting behind a desk reading and Satan at a table in front of a couch...also reading. The two were acting nonchalantly as possible but you could see the anger vibrating off of them. What could have possibly sparked such tense energy?

You weren’t sure what to say so you sat on a couch between the two, sharing the table with Satan. On it were several books on cats, familiars, and how to raise kittens.

Oh geez...Satan wants a cat. Again. And Lucifer definitely already said no. Again.

You couldn’t help but pick up one of the books that was left open to a page of kittens. Satan watched you carefully as you thumbed through the pages.

“MC what are you doing,” Satan asked with a slightly annoyed sigh.

“Well I’m in the library...just thought I’d do some reading. In the LIBRARY!” You made sure it echoed, hoping they’d take the hint you were annoyed by their fighting.

Another silence fell over the room. You peaked over Satan’s shoulder to see Lucifer fidgeting in his seat. He met your gaze but turned away a little embarrassed. If you’re annoyed then it certainly must have been some display. Even Satan had a regretful look. But you ignored them, hoping the pretend cold shoulder would be enough to break them.

Staying in character you flipped a page roughly to see how they would react. Satan sighed again but kept himself from caving. The rough treatment of the pages was really getting to him. Those were some of his favorite cat books. After the third or fourth flip he broke.

“You can’t do that MC, the pages will rip.” Satan sighed as he took the book from you. But you smiled now that he was sitting next to you. Holding the book and flipping the pages gently for you. His eyes lit up as he spoke about the cats and feline habits. This boy just wants a pet.

“Awwwwe they’re so cute Satan.” You giggled as you listen to him read. “Cats are such good pets.”

“Would you like a pet?” Satan asked with a smirk, feeling much more relaxed now.

“Nah...we have Mammon.” You joked.

“You know...you could be my pet instead. I wouldn’t mind taking care of you.” Satan flirted. This definitely made the eldest stir, Satan of course noticed. Maybe to make Lucifer mad again, Satan put an arm around you and brought you close on the couch.

“Geez.” You grumbled as you blushed, heat rising to your cheeks.

“I even have a collar, here. I brought this earlier.” Satan pulled out a thin black nylon collar with a small plastic clasp. There was a silver bell the size of your pinky attached. His large hands loosened the collar all the way and firmly snapped it around your neck.

“Hey!” You protested as your fingers traced the uncomfortable fabric.

“Too cute.” Satan’s face was slightly red as he admired you, laughing a little at your distress.

“Unbelievable. MC don’t feed into his strange hang ups.” Lucifer grumbled as he sat on the couch across from both of you.

“Good timing. MC has offered to be my pet. So I’ll just be taking her and going to my room-“

“Not so fast. Sit down Satan.” Lucifer spoke firmly, however Satan didn’t address him with any more concern than before. Though he did sit back down.

“I had an idea. If you can show me you can be a good pet owner, I’ll consider your request more seriously.” Lucifer had gotten his attention now.

“How so?”

“Well...since MC offered to be your pet...”

Without much protest, the two dressed you as the pet they would play with. A set of cat ears firmly set in place, the collar Satan had gifted you earlier, and a small but comfortable plug decorate with a long cat tail. You sat on your knees obediently and in defeat.

“I’m enjoying this test so far.” Satan cooed.

“I have to say I am too.” Lucifer chuckled.

You pouted, knowing they were enjoying this way too much.

“Awww, I know what will make kitten happy.” Satan placed you on his lap and gently played with your hair, making sure it stayed off your neck. “Feel free to purr a little if you like MC.”

You only squirmed, embarrassed by the attention and the game they were both playing.

“I think our little kitten wants some attention...” Satan teased as he kissed at your neck. Part of your task was to keep from verbally communicating, letting your owners learn their new kitten’s wants and needs by learning your language. This was going to be impossible: sighs already slipping through your lips as Satan’s tongue traced every sensitive spot across your neck and toward your ear. “I’m happy to give it, you can watch if you want...” Satan smirked over at Lucifer who had been sitting and watching everything so far.

“Hmph. When a learning moment arises, Ill be ready to join you.” The eldest held a devious smirk as he watched you squirm in Satan’s grasp.

Two slender fingers slipped between your lips and gently rolled against your tongue. His kisses and love bites were traveling lower now, the trail of kisses making your skin hot. The muffled noises coming from you were loud and clear though, you were enjoying the attention. As his two fingers twirled your tongue, the other caressed the underside of your breasts. Skilled fingers easily found your sensitive peaks under your clothing and twisted them just the right way. Your moans were breathy and sultry.

Lucifer sat with his legs crossed on the couch in front of the one you were on. His smug expression stayed as his eyes took in the sight of you being ravished. Your face was hot as you noticed him watching you indulge in Satan’s touch.

Satan’s cock was grinding against your lower back as he fondled your breast, using his saliva covered fingers to give more attention to your nipples. You hissed at the cool, wet feeling. Your squirming had your hips grinding and moving against his hardening cock making him catch his breath. Satan caught your lips in his to quiet the moans he wants to hear only for himself. He doesn’t want to share them with Lucifer. His hands adjust again leaving one hand on your breast as the other traveled between your legs to feel how excited you were growing.

Lucifer was slowly removing his gloves as he watched Satan’s fingers slip beneath the thin strip of clothing covering your arousal. Satan dipped his fingers inside you, cooing as he felt how wet you were. You gave a low moan as he covered his fingers in your slick.

Meanwhile, Lucifer had made his way over, sitting next you both on the couch and moving your hips towards him. Both you and Satan looked at him quizzically, a smirk growing as he caught your attention.

“I found my first teachable moment, keep going.” Lucifer spoke as he easily removed your soaking underwear. You continued to moan and squirm as Satan once against spread your walls. You saw Lucifer watching you, eyes glued to yours as his fingers began to gently roll and tease your clit. Your heavy breathing and rolling hips made Satan even harder, you could feel his cock pressed against your lower back.

“Hmmm, so kitten likes that too?” Satan hummed in your ear. “Why don’t you meow for us if you’re enjoying our fingers?”

Your face felt hot, Satan was so horrible.

“It would help us understand our pet more, why don’t you meow when you feel good MC?” Lucifer echoed Satan’s proposed rule. Lucifer was horrible too.

But you complied; you were getting needier and needier from their teasing.

“M-mew?...meow?” You tested the waters.

You received an eager reward; both of them moved faster, harder. Lucifer gently teased at the tail like plug they so delicately picked out for you. Satan’s fingers were roughly playing at your nipples, sending waves of pleasure through you. You let little meows and moans slip as you got closer and closer the the edge of orgasm.

“Are we spoiling our pet?” Lucifer asked Satan as you grew louder.

“It’s so hard not to. She’s just so cute.” He chuckled lowly.

“C-cumming...” you moaned as your head languidly rested against Satan’s chest.

“Hm? What’s that kitten?” Satan hummed back, moving his fingers faster and curving into just the right spot. Lucifer made sure your clit was being treated just as pleasurably. They both sent you into bliss, moaning and spasming throughout your high. Your heavy panting slowed as you relaxed on the couch.

Both demons chuckled lowly, you could hear them both remove more of their clothing; jackets and sweaters and ties were set to the side. You were malleable after such a strong orgasm, so it was easy for them to put you on your knees on the floor between both of them.

“Feeding time MC? Are you...hungry?” Satan teased by running a finger against your jaw and pulling your gaze to him. He had already freed his erect member from his pants, pulling your chin closer and closer. As he held your attention, Lucifer placed one of your hands over his own cock, also freed from his slacks.

“You must be. Good thing we have extra for you. Hm hm. Now I’m spoiling her too.”

Your lips wrapped around Satan’s tip, giving teasing licks at his slit as you held the base of his cock; while your fingers on the other hand did the same to Lucifer’s. You could hear them both sigh and lowly moan as you gave them both attention.

They were both suddenly impatient and began moving their own hips. Satan held a hand on the back of your head as he pushed himself into the back of your throat. Lucifer also bucked into your grip around his thick length. Soon the hand on the back of your head was Lucifer’s; and it was now his cock going down your throat.

Your muffled mews and moans made both demons quicken their pace, passing your mouth between them to abuse your tongue and throat. All the while the faint sound of the bell on your collar rang out. You could hear Satan quietly mumble under his breath as he got closer; “So good. So good.” Lucifer was more conservative, not wanting to unravel too much, but his low throaty moans made it clear he was growing closer to cumming too.

As if they had the same idea, both stood from the couch, pulling your hair slightly to tilt your face back.

“Open up MC, this is for you.” Lucifer huffed.

“Stick out your tongue.” Satan commanded.

The good pet you are, you followed suit and opened wide as they both attempted to cum in your mouth. They covered your tongue, some dripping down your chin. With a heavy sigh Satan sat back to admire your condition. Cum and arousal painted your face.

“You look so amazing right now Kitten...” he mused as he watched you swallow everything.

“I don’t think we’re done yet.” Lucifer hissed as he reached beneath you to slip his fingers against your folds. Covering his fingers in your dripping slick before inserting two digits. “You’re still so wet MC. You still need to be taken care of little kitten.”

Lucifer swept you off the floor and into his lap, you could feel he was still hard as he let his cock grind against your heat. Satan watched you carefully as he positioned you over his thick cock and entered you slowly. Your whole body shifted to make room for Lucifer’s thick cock. Once seated fully in his lap, his shaft stretching and filling you, he had a devious idea. Keeping his hips still, he grabbed the back of your hand to wipe your still dirty chin, smearing cum over the back of your hand and fingers.

“Why don’t you lick your paw clean for Satan while I treat you a little more?” He smirked as his hips bucked gently.You began bouncing in his lap as you put on  a show.

Satan was mesmerized. You were bouncing on a cock all while moaning and mewling, desperately trying to lick your hand free of cum. With the ears. And the tail. And your little meow he could never forget. Satan was finally overcome with lust, quickly becoming hard again and stroking his cock at the sight of you.

“Fuck...” he cursed under his breath.

You watched him as he moved to stand behind you. You felt his palm against your back push you toward Lucifer, causing your hips to rise and chest to press into Lucifer’s face. The tail plug you had grown accustomed to was slowly pulled from you, a moan slipping from you as Satan replaced it with his hard cock.

It was so intense being filled by both impressive members, both reaching deep and making you grip the back of the couch tightly. Hearing you moan so loudly made Satan quickly ease his thrusts into you while Lucifer picked up his own pace. Lucifer’s soft lips wrapped around your nipple, gently tugging and biting. Your breasts bouncing against his face drove him crazy.

Satan buried his cock deeper and deeper into you as your walls began sucking him in. Leaning into you more he kissed up your back, to your shoulder, and to the crevice of your neck.

“Keep meowing kitten. Tell us how much you love being our pet.” His whisper was laced with lust and desperation.

At this point you could only focus on the stars clouding your vision, the mewls and whines slipped on their own. Those little meows drive him insane however.

“That’s right. Good MC. You’re taking this cock so well.” Lucifer hissed against your skin as his release grew closer.

“Good kitten. Just a little more.” Satan followed.

You felt like you were going to pass out, the rush building in your core was about to burst. They could feel your body quivering around them. It wasn’t much longer and your whole body turned heated as you came with them both thrusting inside you. Your moan was loud and so, so enticing. The grip around Lucifer’s cock wasn’t letting him go as he spilled inside you, filling you with his seed.Satan followed soon after, stilling inside you to empty himself. A gaspy, restrained moan hissing pass his lips.

No one moved a moment as you each caught your breath, relaxing and separating from each other’s bodies. You remained in Lucifer’s lap as you rested your head against his chest; breathless and lost in post coital bliss. Satan sat beside the eldest and gently pushed a few strands of hair out of your face. Lucifer’s strong arms held you close and he gently stroked your back soothingly.

“You know...I guess we do have a pretty good pet already.” Satan chuckled at your pout.

“She is pretty great. Though I think we could use more...training sessions like these.” Lucifer smirked as he lifted your chin. “How about it MC? Think you’d like to take more ‘lessons’ from Satan and I...?”