#like Elon. Elon. who the FUCK do you think buys your car

[doctorweebmd]

the tumblr hot takes re: Tesla owners and saying things like ‘I spit in the door handles of every Tesla I see uwu’ are absolutely batshit lmao

because Tesla was the first all-electric vehicle highly popularized in the US. most if not all initial buyers were planet-hugging liberals who wanted to stop using fossil fuels. it started as a status symbol of ‘I could spend my money on a luxury car, BUT I care about the environment! And don’t have to give up looks or having fun driving!’

Which eventually lead to teslas being the most affordable all-electric option. For a number of years. Tesla and SpaceX, over 15 years ago, were incredibly innovative and seen as a liberation from over reliance on fossil fuels

Like. This bitch built his empire tugging on environmentalist heartstrings. The people that own teslas are not your enemy; they’re much more likely to be disgusted with Elon like the rest of us

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Melissa Ryan at Ctrl Alt Right Delete:

On Saturday, February 15, I was standing outside a Tesla dealership in the heart of Seattle with a sign that said “BigBalls can lick Deez Nuts” and a photo of DOGE dipshit Edward “BigBalls” Coristine. As about 80 of us stood on the street chanting and yelling, an older couple stopped to compliment my sign. They were out for a walk after their breakfast and wondered what the fuss was about. I told them if they wanted to join us, they could hold my sign. To my surprise, they grabbed the sign and spent the next hour happily waving it at passing cars. The key to effective resistance is to make your opponent pay a price for their overreach—or at least instill fear that there might be a price to pay. Clearly, everyone involved in Trump 2.0 believes they can fuck around and will never have to find out. It’s up to us to change that. But how do regular people with limited resources extract a price from a rising fascist movement? The first answer is everything we can think of. No one who’s lived their whole life in the United States has ever faced something like this, and none of us knows for sure what’s going to derail the march toward fascism. In times like these, we should foster creative actions, not wag our fingers or tut-tut ideas.

But there is a very specific target that deserves special focus—Tesla Motors. Tesla is the basis of Elon Musk’s mystique and his wealth. His stake in the company is worth around $145 billion at today’s valuation—more than a third of his total net worth. Elon clearly isn’t scared about the legal consequences of his actions. Why should he be? The courts have never held him accountable in any meaningful way before, and now he’s protected by an increasingly authoritarian regime. But legal consequences aren’t the only cost an effective resistance can make opponents pay. The first thing you need to know is that Tesla Motors is a house of cards. As I write this, Tesla’s market cap stands at $1.12 trillion—about $400 billion more than Toyota, Honda, Ferrari, BMW, Mercedes-Benz, Porsche, Volkswagen, Ford, GM, Stellantis and Hyundai COMBINED. Tesla’s stock has been on a hype-fueled rocket ride since the start of the pandemic. But Wall Street investors hate uncertainty, and in the end, hype is no match for quarterly profits. Most of Tesla’s extreme valuation is based on the cockamamie idea that the company can continue growing at the rate it achieved early in the pandemic—and the mistaken belief that Tesla is a tech company, rather than a car company. But Tesla’s market dominance and opportunities for growth weren’t built to last. Only one in three Americans are open to buying EVs today, and there’s much more competition in the market than there was even 5 years ago. Chinese EV companies are eating Elon’s lunch. And far from the game changer Elon promised, the Cybertruck is looking more like an anchor around Tesla’s neck. Tesla sales are already tanking in Europe because of Musk’s tumbling reputation.

For the first time in a decade, Tesla reported fewer sales in 2024 than in 2023. Now, buyers in the U.S. are starting to price-in Elon’s ties to Trump and far-right movements around the world—and the potential social consequences of driving a car so closely associated with Musk’s personal brand. If that spreads, it could pop the hype bubble. Tesla insiders know it, and so do big Wall Street research firms.

Tesla, the crown jewel of Elon Musk’s empire, has become increasingly persona non grata among the left in the USA, and that is due to Musk’s turn to the far-right that began as early as the COVID pandemic and accelerating further in recent years.

[your-werewolf-boyfriend]

believe it or not some people cant afford cars. seriously, trying to say ppl in poverty or disabled online are lying because???? i dont know what the fuck you were thinking

Hi! That's not what I said! I said a car is not something that makes you rich! 60k is not a rich person car! Just because you have it worse, does not mean that everyone else is rich! This is the line of thought unfortunately what causes class infighting

It is not your neighbors fault you are disabled and in poverty. That doesn't make someone working for 12 dollars an hour rich, nor the person making 15, 20, 40, even 50. These people are all 1 step away from being just like you. Sometimes it takes them a couple months or years as treatments eat up their savings. But they're not your enemy.

Look at the CEO, look at the stockholders holding 20% of a company urging for higher profits, look at the billionaires buying their way into companies and ruining YOUR infrastructure on purpose (Elon Musk is a huge one - California should know what im talking about, just look at Boeing and their safety, AI startups and attempting to release it as a commercial replacement for artists).

These people are blood clots upon the economy, sucking up wealth in singular areas, and not allowing communities to improve while divising ways to further isolate you. California was supposed to have a high speed railway - Elon Musk literally stopped it for his Hyperloop, which will never be completed. The same thing is now occurring in Las Vegas as SEVERAL train ways attempt to make a high-speed railway here. Further isolating people from the hope of moving from here after they gamble away their life after having some medication, or some crisis, or something.

And the worst part is that this is how capitalism at core is designed, and cannot be stopped without either 1) A cap on income or capital or 2) Severe heavy taxing for the ultra wealthy - flat tax no loopholes. It's designed for infinite growth, which in a post industrial society where people don't really like having many kids - we now reach our pop flatline (and I'm doing my part, I don't want kids at all really)... and that means infinite growth just simply cannot happen. At maximum efficiency infinite growth doesn't work.

And this is not just happening in my country, this is happening in Europe, some middle eastern countries that have adopted capitalism, idk about Canada - I'm sorry Canadians I don't pay enough attention to you other than your apparent similar targeting of natives.

So look out for people who want to target that, even locally. One state adopted a tax on millionaires, people making over a million a year, and raked in revenue beyond belief. The goal is to get people in there with the mindset of "fix the cause, not the symptom" and have people use that tax to not fund the fucking cops but instead education programs for free to create more social workers, more nurses, more teachers, and eliminate the debt people have to go into to START a job. Maybe even stipend people as they go through education, pay people to fill in gaps. We literally have a plane pilot shortage because you have to go almost a 100k into debt to just start if you don't have the money to build up hours. Free food programs, free medical care, free anything to survive.

Or you could make a bigger splash like the fellow in New York but for legal reasons I'm not advising or instructing anyone to do any such thing ever. I totally do not agree with praxis, or something like that.

Anyway the solution starts not at wanting your neighbors blood, but at everyone trying to share their blood - and hope that others share back. And ends with elimination of blood clots upon our body, so that we may free up more blood for everyone to share.

[dokkywokky]

i’m sorry why the fuck does your VR advertisement have a shitty horse statue for a seat????

this is actually a great time to talk about peripherals and ergonomics >:D

Okay, so; there are a few considerations to make when you’re buying any kind of gaming peripheral, regardless of whether you’re an arcade company or an individual user. These are:

1: What does it actually do?

Is this a stupid question? Not if you’re one of the thousands of people who bought a Kinect. Think about it like this: why would you *ever* fucking use a Kinect outside of specific games tailored to use it?

Let’s ignore all of the problems with it. In what possible scenario is a traditional game designed for play with a controller better-played using motion tracking? Differently abled people have peripherals that can accomodate for different numbers of fingers or amounts of hands &or hand mobility (M+KB is a tried and true method that realistically only needs a palm and finger to operate, maybe with a foot pedal system if you can’t reach WASD), so it’s not for that market. And it’s not compatible with other titles anyways unless you mod the damn thing. So what does it actually do?

It lets you play one, maybe two games. So what it actually is, is a large, complicated, expensive-ass access key.

2: Is it the best option for what it does?

VR gloves and sticks are more or less the best solution we currently have for ‘solving’ motion in a 3D simulated space, and even then, they can’t exactly move you around in your room for you (not without making your inner ear Very Cross with you). A horse is… certainly one option to direct your motion, but there are a few others.

Those that come to my mind specifically are harnessed movement discs, foot pedals, and basic-ass leg tracking. If you have none of these, well, then that’s why VR likes to use your arms as a movement indicator, or lets you teleport from place to place.

Now, out of all of these, which would you actually use the most in your general gamespace? Personally, I’d go for the leg tracking or the disc, and it’ll likely be around the same price as that stupid fucking horse. If we’re talking about motion simulation, then generally I would point at haptic suits as being more practical, or even a chair of similar construction to the horse, without the horse.

“But wait!” You say. “Dokky! Why no horse?”

Well, because…

3: How long can you use it before it hurts?

Innuendo kind of intentional. We *are* talking about toys and peripherals here. (Cough.) Anyways.

All peripherals (and ergonomic Things in general) need to be evaluated for their ability to harm the user, accidentally or intentionally. This is why most cars’ auto closing features are very finicky, for example (say, to avoid cutting fingers off. Eat shit, Elon). In this case, functionally, we are looking at a chair that can jostle the user around for possibly hours on end, on a horse saddle. Now. What kind of damage can that cause?

(Horse riders in the chat, you already know.)

We’re talking about a sore lumbar from repeated unsupported linear stress. We’re talking hip problems from a large splay angle. We’re talking leg muscle aches from holding them in constant tension. We’re talking posture issues from zero back support in a high stress environment. You know those bull toys that try to throw people off of their backs with zero support? This is literally that (probably toned down substantially). Why the *fuck* would you play a videogame while riding one of those? Most importantly, are you really signing up for a chiropractor in addition to the onboarding cost of the horse, let alone the game? If you’re an arcade, can you *afford* a fucking medical bill?

This is, unfortunately, the one scenario where those awful racecar seat gaming chairs actually make sense. Because, do you know what a racecar chair actually *does?* It buckets you against a cushion to stop you from falling out and keep you mostly comfortable. *That* is a better design solution to a linear acceleration chair, and frankly, I’m a little mad that I came up with it.

4: Conclusion

Just go ride a horse. Don’t buy old merry-go-round junk to try and cram into your room (there’s another one; how much space does it need for storage?), and for the love of Gods, think about your peripherals. Oh, and.

5: Happy birthday, @happyhydralisk (discord)

Happy birthday, Hydra.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

WTYP: The Shandor Building, Part 11

[Do you like the colour of the fanfic? This is long and if you expand it you're gonna get the whole thing, because Tumblr hates you. Don't say I didn't warn you!]

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10

Part 11: Shake Hands with Gozer

[Beware of strong language, mention of all kinds of death, gore, and Lovecraftian horror.]

[SLIDE: Shandor Studios, with the All Hail Gozer logo.]

[faint sound of a car alarm]

L: Oh, heck, it’s Gandalf…

[chirp-chirp]

[car alarm ceases]

A [dismissive]: You know, this is really not doing it for me anymore. The whole deal. Not even with a camera. No. Fuck it. Your personality is a real turn-off.

R: These chairs are still really comfy, though.

[rumbling, squeaking]

G: [muffled, into phone]: UH-HUH… UH-HUH… IN MY DEFENSE, THEY INSULTED MY DOGS AND SUGGESTED I ASSOCIATE WITH ELON MUSK, ABI… YES, ADMITTEDLY, BUT THERE’S NO NEED TO BE RUDE… MM-HM. WHAT’S IT CALLED? “CLIMATE CHANGE”? [with sudden excitement] OH! “GLOBAL WARMING!” YES! HOW LONG? OH, THAT’S NOT LONG AT ALL! NO, NO, I REALLY APPRECIATE THE IRONY. DIY APOCALYPSE! OH, YES, WE MUST GIVE THEM A CHANCE, MUSTN’T WE? HA-HA-HA. BUT, UH, DO YOU THINK THERE MIGHT BE… A LAKE OF FIRE? EVEN A SMALL ONE? [laughter] WOW! THAT SOUNDS AMAZING!

L: I don’t like where this is going…

A: Rocz, where the hell are my cigarettes?

R: I fed them to a dog.

A: What?

G: SO ABOUT SEVEN BILLION YEARS ON THE OUTSIDE? WELL, I GET BORED, ABI. YOU KNOW I GET BORED. WILL YOU KEEP PODCASTING AND KILLING THE SMARMY MORTAL “JAMES BOND”? HA! ALL RIGHT, I SUPPOSE I WILL MANAGE…

D: Did… Did Abi just say we’re going to keep doing KJB for the next seven billion years…?

L: Sounds like the fate of the world kinda depends on it…

A: Where is my fucking Slimfast bar?

R: Ibid.

V: Will you have a slice of meat bouquet, Lord Alice?

A: [screams]

R: You two gotta stop doin’ that.

Z: Lord Alice is mortal, Vinz Clortho. You are supposed to feed the mortals frozen peas. It is good for them. The demon David Tennant says so.

L: I think you’re a little mixed up about that…

R: Your dimension gets Amazon Prime?

Z: All hell dimensions have Amazon Prime. Where else are we supposed to get our blood plasma?

V: But we have no frozen peas to give, and we must depart our mortal hosts soon!

Z: You may rub our tummies, if you wish. It is good for your mortal brain meat.

L: Aww!

Z: Not you, Vengeful Mortal of Insults!

L: Well, this has been a total fucking waste of time!

A: Get away from me, you smell like Marlboros and despair.

V: It is the Slimfast bar…

Z: You want some of this, Frodo?

D [coldly]: No thank you, Sigourney.

R [warmly]: Good Terror Dogs… Good, good puppies…

G: HA-HA, RIGHT! THESE THINGS HAPPEN! WELL, I’LL SEE YOU AT THE CLUB TONIGHT. CIAO, BESTIE!

L: “Bestie”?

A: [sigh] It’s Mesopotamian rock-paper-scissors, don’t worry about it.

D: To think, all this time, all we had to do was summon Abigail Thorn…

G: VINZ CLORTHO! ZUUL! STOP BOTHERING LORD ABIGAIL’S FRIENDS!

V: Farewell, doughnut-giver!

Z: Never buy copper from Ea-nāṣir!

[electricity, crackling]

MILKSHAKE (M)]: آیا من یک سگ بودم؟ [TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: Okay, it’s in Persian, but Google Fonts doesn’t do cuneiform.]

R: Oh, hey, it’s my cats!

PIZZA BOY (P): پدر!

R: Nah, don’t eat that meat bouquet, I have no idea who or what that is…

M: این انصاف نیست.

R: Say, Gozer, is this here permanent?

G: ALL CATS CAN SPEAK WHATEVER LANGUAGE THEY WANT, WHENEVER THEY WANT.

P: Das ist ein süßes Kopftuch.

A: Um… Danke?

M: Никогда больше не трогай мой животик.

A: [snickers]

G: SO! [claps hands] SORRY FOR THIS LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING. HOW CAN I MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

[brief pause]

G: WHAT?

[crosstalk, complaining, “We are covered in horse viscera!” “Clean this shit off!” etc.]

G: RIGHT. SORRY.

L: And I want to keep my new van!

G: YOUR VAN BELONGS TO ISHTAR, BUT I’LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO. WOULD YOU LIKE TO FINISH YOUR PODCAST, MORTALS?

A: Oh, yes! Of fucking course we would!

[Rapid scrolling through 10 slides or so before landing on an image of Ivo Shandor.]

A: And in conclusion… Ivo Shandor can eat shit, I’m glad he got ripped in half, art deco architecture is hideous, I disavow everything Sumerian — except Liam’s van and possibly Abi — and billionaires contribute nothing of value to society! [panting] Does anyone have anything else?

L: Pronoun checks will save your fucking life! If any of you out there ever give us shit for the pronoun check ever again, I got a [bleep] with your name on it!

G: SERIOUSLY. THAT COLONEL-SANDERS-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER SUMMONED ME OUT OF A HOT BATH AND MISGENDERED ME ON PURPOSE — I’M GLAD I RIPPED HIM IN HALF TOO!

R: [drawing devil horns and an unflattering mustache on Shandor with the mouse] We have a segment on this podcast we like to call Safety Third…

A: What?

L: Oh my God, Rocz…

D: Fucking seriously?!

R: I’m sorry, but rigidly adhering to our unhinged podcast format has just saved our lives and possibly the entire world — and if we’d just done our goddamn intros we would’ve avoided that whole mess — so we’re going to do a Safety Third! Alice, the drop, please.

[“Shake hands with danger” drop]

[SLIDE: A pastoral oil painting that seems to be missing a figure with a shepherd's crook.]

G: OOH, THIS LOOKS FUN. CAN I PLAY TOO?

WTYP: NO.

D: And clear the slime out of my awesome control room.

G: OF COURSE.

D [suspiciously]: Be honest with me. If someone were to press a button and cover you in boiling hot lava, would that be an inconvenience?

G: OOH, DO YOU HAVE LAVA? I JUST LOVE LAVA!

D [slowly fading, walking away from the mics]: This has been a fucking waste of time!

[door slam]

R: “Dear Justin, Alice (or name pending)…”

G: IS THERE NOT GOING TO BE ANY LAVA, THEN?

R [with determination]: “Dear Justin, Alice (or name pending), Liam (yay, Liam) and potential Guest.”

G [distorted, too close to the mic]: HELLO, MORTALS! I AM PODCASTING!

L: Shut the fuck up.

R: “...I am an art-restorer by trade, a profession which, I’m sure you know, has its dangers. Apart from the usual face-melting chemicals, we deal with a lot of paintings of dubious provenance, many of which come into our hands with curses or angry spirits attached. It’s a little like working at the humane society. Most of them can be cleaned up and rehabilitated if you’re careful, but a select few will try to kill you. It’s not their fault, but you do always need to be aware of the hazard. For example, the attached image once contained the figure of a little girl who would slowly approach the foreground of the painting over a period of weeks, before crawling out of the frame and attempting to strangle everyone in the room with her shepherd’s crook.”

A: Oh. Yeah. Pretty standard.

L: Get a new bit, ghost children!

G: I TOOK THE FORM OF A DEMONIC LITTLE GIRL ONCE!

A: No one cares.

R: “We gave her a juice box and some crackers, and let her watch a Disney video (Aladdin, but I’m not sure if you can say that)...”

L: Dammit, how many times do we have to tell you? Do not write it if you don’t want Rocz to say it!

A: Was the time he almost finished reciting that Ashanti death curse not enough for you people?

L: You’re just goddamn lucky he mispronounced it!

R: “And now she’s happily attending the local junior high school. A lot of attached spirits are just hungry, or bored, or both, and are easily dealt with. After they’ve lived through a few near-misses like that, some of my colleagues start to become jaded and sloppy. For example, my boss, whom we will call Timothy Q. Jackass (the Q stands for ‘Clueless’)...”

L: Good. Good name.

G: I ONCE GAVE A JACKASS THE GIFT OF PROPHECY!

A: Go away.

G: …HIS NAME WAS TIRESIAS OF THEBES! WHAT? NOTHING? NOBODY?

L: Get some new references.

A: Read another elegy.

G: DO YOU HAVE A RIMSHOT IN HERE…?

A: Touch my laptop and die.

R: “One morning, Mr. Jackass rolled up to the studio with a tinted etching (image not attached for reasons which will become obvious).”

L: Vigo.

A: Fucking Vigo.

G: THAT CARPATHIAN CUNT AND HIS GODDAMN ART COMMISSIONS. NOBODY WANTS TO PAINT YOU, VIGO, NOT WITH THAT HAIRCUT.

[stifled laughter]

G [hopeful]: …OR THOSE SHOES?

A: [clearing throat] Don’t press your luck.

R: “I recognized a certain Carpathian with whom you are no doubt familiar…”

G: HA! YOU CALLED IT!

L: Interrupting is a privilege, and we will mail you a certificate when you have earned it.

R: “...and, of course, I advised Mr. Jackass to douse it in holy oil and set it on fire, as per the established procedure. Imagine my surprise when he told me he wanted me to clean and restore it.”

L: No. Don’t do it.

A: Step away from the abyss.

G: UNIONIZE.

[pause]

G: WHAT? ARE YOU MORTALS FUCKING SCABS?

A: …Alright, I am not autistic — that I know of — but I have no idea how to deal with this situation.

L: You enjoy human suffering but are pro-union?

G: YOU HUMANS WILL TOUCH A CAT’S TOES UNTIL IT BITES YOU OUT OF FRUSTRATION, BUT YOU WILL STILL FEED THEM AND PET THEM.

[pause]

R: Milkshake, Pizza Boy, will you ever forgive me?

M: Lo mismo ocurre con nosotros, cuando os enseñamos el culo antes del amanecer.

R: Is that a yes?

A: All I know is how to order a beer and ceviche…

L: Rocz, for God’s sake, finish the letter so we can get in my van and go home.

R: “I told Mr. Jackass what he could do with his etching, in language that is not very podcast-friendly, and he replied, and I quote, ‘Don’t be a pussy, it’s just an etching. It’s probably Latvian or some shit.’”

G: VIGO THE LATVIAN MAKES A DAMN FINE BLOOD SAUSAGE.

[stifled laughter, a certain amount of snickering]

G [wounded]: WHAT? I AM BEING SERIOUS. SAY WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT JELLYFISH AND CEPHALOPODS, BUT IF YOU COME AT VIGO THE LATVIAN’S BLOOD SAUSAGE, I WILL END YOU.

[hysterical cackling, even from the cats]

A: Oh, God, oh, fuck no… Xe tried to kill us!

L: And xe’s doin’ it again!

R: It’s called catharsis, Alice! Laugh or cry!

[pandemonium ending in sniffles]

R: Ah… Ah… Oh, God… Lemme see here… “I reiterated my refusal, forcefully, and Mr. Jackass decided he’d teach me a lesson by restoring the etching himself. The next few weeks were remarkably quiet, with regards to Mr. Jackass, save for occasional instances of chanting. He rarely left his office and appeared to be sleeping there. He was also going through a lot of black candles. There was a single attempt to order ‘an unsullied infant boy’ from DoorDash, which was not successful. The next day, Mr. Jackass called in sick, so I figured he was at the exorcist’s and that would be the end of it. Imagine my surprise when I turned on the six o’clock news and found him declaring his candidacy for City Comptroller. From what I could gather, his platform included human sacrifice and a ‘skull throne tax.’ I had my hand on the phone to call an exorcist and report him, but my mean streak got the better of me. ‘Let’s see how this plays out,’ I thought.”

L: Did… Did he win?

R: “Don’t worry. Vigo the Carpathian, running as Mr. Jackass, suffered a resounding defeat and eventual exorcism. However, we restored and reclaimed so many paintings during his extended sabbatical, that before Mr. Jackass even had a chance to dye the blond bleach job out of his hair, the higher ups called him and told him, and I quote, ‘Don’t come back.’ That is how I became head of the art restoration department!”

[cheers, applause]

R: “The moral of this story, if there is one, is, ‘never interrupt your stupid boss when he is making a mistake.’”

G: A MODERN DAY SUN TZU!

R: “Love to you all, and be well.”

A: Aww, that’s actually very nice.

L: I hope Vigo fried that guy’s hair so bad he never recovers.

G: DAMN, I COULD GO FOR SOME BLOOD SAUSAGE.

R: This concludes Safety Third.

[“Shake hands with danger” drop]

R: Does anyone have any commercials?

L: Rocz…

R: Our podcasting format saved the world.

L: Okay, okay, but I got nothin’.

A: Same. You know where you can find us.

L: Right, we live in your basement. We’re watching you right now.

G: SAME!

R: If we want more Gozer the Gozerian, for some reason, where else can we find you?

G: IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!

R: Of course.

[SLIDE: The Amityville Horror House.]

R: Our next episode…

G: OH! OH! WAIT! I ALSO HAVE A TUMBLR!

A: Oh, my God, I have got to get off that hellsite…

R: Our next episode is on the Amityville Horror…

G: OOH, I LOVE THAT ONE! CAN I FIND IT WHEREVER PODCASTS ARE FOUND?

R: Uh…

A [tightly]: Don’t tell xem, just end the episode.

G: WHAT? TELL ME WHAT?

L: End the episode! END IT BEFORE DEVON HITS THE LAVA BUTTON!

G: HI MOM! HI GRANDMA! I LOVE YOU!

[soothing public domain music]

D [not drunk enough to stop being annoyed but still very drunk]: This is Future Devon… Fuck, I mean Present Devon. I have consumed all the liquor and ice cream I demanded from Gozer, and I am going to bed. If, as I suspect, this has all been an epic-length fanfiction from the diseased brain of some individual out there on the internet, when I wake up in the morning, I expect not to exist. This version of me, I mean. So, I would just like to take this opportunity to say: Fuck you. You will die alone. The pet raven in no way makes up for any of this bullshit — although I cherish him and have named him after Sir Ian McKellen. All these fucking Chekov’s guns all over the place, and you didn’t let me use my lava button even once. I will never forgive you for this. I am so done with podcasting, and everything Sumerian, but apparently I still have several billion years of Kill James Bond to go. [sigh] Okay.

[shuffling, sound of a laptop closing]

D: Come on, Sir Ian, let’s go to oblivion.

[long pause]

SIR IAN (I): This is Sir Ian, I am the raven who is talking now, my pronouns are he and him, and I thought you’d all like to know I work for Pazuzu. Don’t tell Dev, it would only upset them. I suppose I’ll put this up on the Patreon for them…?

[click]

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

[And if ya liked that, I got a whole serialized story for ya. You let me work with my own characters and I get even more unhinged, just so's ya know.]

Thanks for reading!

[ysabelmystic]

Please tell me about the boat story. Oh and can you also tell me why your family made you get drunk when you were a kid I forgot to ask about that

Okay so basically my grandparents had a time share in at those old condo Hawaii thanks to my grandpa’s “service” in the navy. Every other year, all six of us would cram ourselves into this one-bedroom condo and spend a week or two fucking around on the beaches of Kauai. This particular year, we got to do something Extra, and go on a snorkeling tour out at the more remote islands. A tour complete with an 8 hour round trip boat ride, fancy sandwiches and fresh fruit, and unlimited mai tais.

So, for background, my grandpa is the most obnoxious, self-absorbed dumbass I’ve ever met. He wants to be Elon Musk, he’s a flat-earther, he’s an mlm hon who tries to sell his products to strangers in public, he tried to cure his skin cancer with essential oils, he’s ex military, he cooks hamburgers to rare, he’s Chevy Chase in national lampoons vacation franchise, he makes a 500+ photo long slideshow every holiday that includes his cousins open casket funeral and pictures of the car vs train accident that killed them, he flirts with waitresses, he gets mad if you out-pun him, he thinks the silent treatment is a punishment, he’s friends with a local self-taught artist who draws like the average 5th grader (it’s not a stylistic choice), he maims squirrels for fun, he tailgates cars on purpose, he hates animals… basically, his greatest contribution to the world will be dying since he’ll no longer be a waste of oxygen. And what does a waste of oxygen do on a boat ride with unlimited mai tai’s?

Get fucking CRUNK of course

Now, not only did the tour have fancy sandwiches, but they also had unlimited red Hawaiian Punch. That drink was a forbidden and thus very coveted thing in my house so my brother and I probably drank 8 cans apiece. We also ran into rough seas during the last leg of the trip. I guess my grandma took one for the team because she somehow ended up below deck with two sleepy, seasick children on her lap.

This, unfortunately for us all, now meant that my grandpa was left unsupervised.

I don’t know how long we were knocked out for, but I woke up to my mom standing over us, whispering to my grandma with a very concerned look on her face. (Fake names from this point).

“Bev? Bev. Bev. Your husband is-“

The loudspeakers turned on and she was interrupted by the captain.

“Sir! What you’re doing is just stupid. If you fall in the ocean, we will not be coming back to help you. I repeat; we will not stop this trip to save you. Get back in the boat and stop being stupid.”

Silence.

“Don’t do that again”

Queue my mom and grandma looking absolutely fucking mortified.

Apparently that dumbass saw the waves and thought it’d be fun to walk the plank. Every time the boat went down off the back of a wave, he’d jump, and somehow, he did this several times without actually falling into the water.

My grandma does not believe in showing emotion. After getting off the boat she was the maddest I’ve ever seen her. She ripped the keys out of her husbands hand, pushed him into the back seat, and drove him to the condo while the rest of us went out for dinner.

Quite frankly I wish he had fallen off the boat, and the captain had followed through. Because the next time we went to Hawaii, he spent a 9 mile hiking trip harassing different people to buy his mlm granola bars and vitamins since his “business” had just gone international…

Anyways… to answer the other question.

My parents believed that wine knowledge was an important life skill. So when I was like 12 I was allowed to have tiny sips of wine, and at 15, once or twice a week, I’d get a half glass of wine with dinner (occasionally more if I agreed to help my mom grade papers).

At 17 I was allowed to have alcohol whenever the family was drinking (so like if my mom made margaritas on a Friday night I would be allowed a margarita or two) so I wouldn’t go overboard when I got ahold of it in college.

Unfortunately this did not stop me from going overboard I just knew that 1) I could be very productive after 2-4 shots of rum and 2) the optimal “good time” range was 5-8 shots and that’s how I lowkey became an alcoholic until I discovered weed!

[lastoneout]

Like I need y'all to realize that "a laptop costs as much as a new iphone" isn't a valid argument because people do not drop $900 all at once on a phone. The phone company gives you the phone for like one fourth the price or less upfront and then you pay it off for a few years alongside your phone bill. Also, most people, if forced to chose between a smart phone and a computer are going to pick the smart phone. That's just the world we live in now.

But you can't really do the whole pay it off slowly with a laptop(unless you go through like Rent a Center or something similar and you really shouldn't do that, or go into credit card debt which is also not great). And yes there are cheap laptops(and most of them suck ass and break after a year), but if someone genuinely doesn't need one(bcs capitalism has pushed us away from needing computers to instead doing everything through apps on phones and tablets which is a massive problem but is also still HAPPENING and growing up like that isn't gen z and alpha's fault) and maybe only thinks about computers in terms of like custom built gaming towers used by big twitch streamers or the pc their dad bought to work from home on then yeah a computer is out of their budget and they are probably going to think people who own one are rich even tho the VAST MAJORITY of people save up to buy their computers or slowly over a long period purchase all the parts they need to build one or got it gifted to them by a family member who actually does have a lot of disposable income or literally had it handed to them by their job or bought it with a credit card.

This isn't a "haha zoomers are out of touch idiots" post. This is a "owning anything nice, be it a computer or designer clothes or a car or whatever does not mean you're rich" post. Because "anyone who owns even one nice thing must not actually be poor" is an old as dirt conservative talking point used to deny impoverished people the aid they so desperately need, and I HATE seeing leftists use it because no one ever fucking explained to them that owning a PS5 doesn't make you on par with fucking Elon Musk or Taylor Swift.

People saying only rich people own computers are wrong, but not because computers are cheap, it's because computers aren't always prohibitively expensive and often times are gifts or were bought before the person fell into poverty or with their stimulus check or whatever. People shouting eat the rich at the average poor person who managed to scrape together a few hundred bucks for a shitty laptop or got half a computer gifted to them by friends and only had to buy a few parts aren't the rich we should be eating.

And those of you saying "computers aren't even that expensive good lord these out of touch gen z idiots need to go back to school" are fucking wrong bcs computers ARE expensive and in a world pivoting so hard to tablets and phones a lot of people straight up don't need one and will thus probably assume it's a worthless, frivolous purchase made only by people who have disposable income, and while I can very much understand being exasperated by that argument(I am currently very exasperated if you couldn't tell) acting like kids are stupid and need to shut up isn't actually solving the problem.

The only people who are actually out of touch are the ones who are mad that I didn't include people who don't own computers in my post about owning computers. The bean soup types. Make fun of them, I won't stop you. But this is like the clearest example of the generational divide and how older leftists have failed to explain to the younger folks amongst us that we have legit had to spend years listening to conservatives critiquing poor people for using their food stamps to buy a bag of gummy bears or owning a fucking refrigerator and saying every poor person should sell all of their belongings before even considering signing up for government aid, and that's NOT a valid argument. Y'all sound like the assholes who get mad at homeless people for owning cell phones, you can't doctor that argument until it's progressive, it's INHERENTLY flawed.

Poor people own nice things sometimes, that doesn't make them rich. And in this day and age a lot of people don't need computers and thus will naturally think owning one means you clearly have disposable income because they don't know that having some disposable income isn't the same thing as being a billionaire. And the first group being so condescending to second group(because yeah nothing changes people's minds like blatant condescension) isn't solving any fucking problems. Explain why it's wrong. Don't just assume gen z is stupid for not being taught how to view class and poverty.

Okay everyone shut the fuck up now, I'm done.

This website is too mobile focused these days. Reblog and tell me what your desktop/laptop background is.

[violethyacinth]

I’ve been listening to this book about economics and a concept called technofeudalism the last few days at work. I just think it’s so fuckin crazy that the only reason there’s any real animosity between the US and China or Russia or Mexico or wherever the hell isn’t necessarily from ideological differences between the actual humans who make up the population, but some economic fuckery conjured up by rich bitches and governments.

As the tiktok ban was approaching and even after it went dark I was one of the people who migrated to Xioahongshu. I knew for myself that the manufactured consent of a Cold War with China was all bullshit, right? Like I had an inclination and an understanding that the people of China were not some horrible communists toiling in work camps for 12 hours a day. I mean, I’m sure there are factory jobs there that are similar to factory jobs here, but for the most part I figured there was likely at least a bit better of a balance between work life and personal life. So to then get onto that site and see the sheer amount of people just doing normal shit like applying makeup, renovating their homes, learning skills, cooking their favourite dishes, showing off their special interests, etc was such a confirmation of how I’ve been feeling.

Fundamentally, humans are the same. For the most part, we as a people crave connection, joy, fulfillment in our daily activities, community, and comfort. The ability to pursue our dreams, right? I especially appreciate content on xiaohongshu that gets into describing the economy, disability rights, housing initiatives, and that sort of thing. I love that there are so many US Americans on there who are also sharing the reality of living in the heart of Empire. What our daily lives look like, especially those of us in poverty. It’s been so refreshing and idk like… validating???? in a way to see the folks from China asking questions about rumors or assumptions or propaganda they had seen about how US American life is and seeing their genuine shock and compassion at the different ways we suffer under the weight of capitalist greed and Empire. It’s been wild to explain to folks what rent is like here, what credit scores are and how they affect every single aspect of your life, how banking works and how no one really owns their homes but basically long term rents them from banks with the hope and dream of eventually paying that shit off.

And that’s what ties back to that Technofeudalism. I’m talking about the US, obviously so please keep that in mind. The prevalence of rent and debt and credit is so outrageous when you sit and think about it for more than a few minutes. Streaming services, car loans, home loans, housing rental, parking spaces, all the way down to fucking park benches with retractable spikes! So little of what we have at this point is actually owned or accessible by individuals or families. It’s all rented, licensed out for however long a particular company holds the license, able to be ripped away from the consumer should that company sell those rights off to someone else no matter if that little button on the site says “buy”.

I don’t really have a conclusion. This is just a bit of a ramble of some things I’ve been thinking about the last little while and it’s very interesting to have a term to use when thinking about the type of economic structure we’re living under, especially as we approach the one month mark of Trump’s second term, Elon Musk’s first, unelected term.

Edit: I feel like it’s important for me to add that I am by no means saying that China’s socioeconomic system is perfect. I straight up just don’t know enough about it to draw a judgment like that. That being said, no one, especially my own government, will ever convince me that the entirety of another country’s people are bad or have ill intent.

[man-madehorrors]

it is the year 2028. barely any time has passed since the current year, but that’s honestly how long it takes to fall into a futuristic hellscape apparently. Disney buys Neil Gaiman the actual person and forces him to write 5 spin offs for every character in Good Omens. The person who makes your coffee is legally required to fistfight you if you spend less than $18.00. Every car is red. Stop signs are replaced with armed guards who will shoot you if you do a rolling stop or if you get too close to the intersection and they think maybe you’re not gonna stop. Every person who hosts a podcast is waterboarded and dressed in bright green so people can point at them on the street and laugh. the American dollar bill is replaced with a bored ape NFT. Elon Musk changes twitters name from X to “69420WeedLMAO” in a desperate attempt to continue his dumbass naming conventions. The capitol building has a jamba juice installed. Every cat gets given a gun with one bullet and are told not to waste it. The bees are gone and have been replaced with cees, who are just like bees except their name starts with a C. The president is an AI generated picture of JFK dodging the bullet. He has the highest approval rating of any president living or dead. Metallica puts a whole ass wendy’s add in their next album. Ben Shapiro eats a whole living bird on live television for unclear reasons. TikTok is rebranded as an app where you can only watch body cam footage of police officers being murdered by beings from the woods. The wall street bull is revealed to be a real bull who was just holding really still. It is still unclear whether or not aliens exists. XBOX releases the XBOX 2, which is the 7th or 8th iteration of their console. Playstation releases the PS6, which is the 6th iteration of their console, because Sony follows regular naming conventions. Nintendo releases the Binglefrunsk, a new system which you have to inject into your veins. Audience reception is not great initially, but the console outsells any nintendo product ever released. Silk Song will come out any day now probably. Mimes are back and they arent fucking around anymore.

[combat-wombatus]

a quick explanation of why shorting stocks is a problem

ok ok so i was talking with my dad today at lunch and i asked him how someone could short more than 100% of the value of a company in stocks and i think his explanation was very easy to understand so i’m gonna share it with y’all!!

so if someone shorts a stock, they’re borrowing the stock from someone and immediately selling it. 

so let’s say tim has a bike. robert, who thinks that the value of the bike is going to drop in the future, asks tim if he can borrow it. tim says yes, and robert sells the bike for $100. 

so let’s say a week later, the price of bikes drops. robert then buys the bike back from whoever he sold it to, at $50. he returns the bike to tim. robert has made $50.

big hedge funds (and some retail investors, but rarely) use shorting as a way to make lots and lots of money! think this bike example, but on a scale of billions and billions of dollars. yeah. scary, right?

the reason that a company could be shorted >100% of its value is because two people can own the bike at the same time. 

so technically, because robert doesn’t own the bike, he’s selling a bike that doesn’t exist! 

with stocks, this means that there is now a duplicate of this stock in circulation. one that’s been shorted, and one that’s on the market.

this means that it’s now possible to short more than 100% of the value of a company, because there are now duplicate stocks!! crazy, right?

so hedge funds use this to manipulate market prices. all. the. damn. time.

let’s use tesla as an example.

tesla, as of december 2020, was the most heavily shorted stock in the history of the american stock market.

why is this a problem?

well, companies have equities to liability ratios. and with new startups, the vast majority of their equity comes from their stock value. 

the higher the equity to liability ratio, the easier it is for them to get loans, the lower their interest rates, and the more consumer confidence they have.

for example, if a company’s stock price is low, that means that they aren’t forecasted to do well in the future, right?

this, to lenders (banks), means that they might not be able to pay back all their debt. they’ll start asking for higher deposits and raise interest rates.

to suppliers, they’ll start asking for advance payments, before they ship out supplies, because they’re afraid that the company won’t be able to pay them back. this can disrupt the supply chain of an otherwise perfectly healthy company.

to consumers, they may be more cautious about buying products. for example, if apple went bankrupt (they won’t, this is just theoretical), what will happen if your iphone has an issue that you need to fix? there aren’t any more service shops. if you need a new power cord, there aren’t any producers. 

for tesla, this meant that consumers were iffy about buying the cars because 

they weren’t sure about the future of the company. this meant that they were worrying about things like “what will happen if my car needs repairs” or “will i still be able to use superchargers?”

if the stock is so low, that means that the quality of the cars sucks, right?

a combination of low investments, high interest rates, higher deposits and forced advance payments can put an otherwise healthy and functioning company into disarray.

this can, and has, bankrupted companies in the past.

this is why elon musk has a huge grudge against hedge funds. he debated taking tesla private for a while, because of the massive equity loss short-sellers caused. 

this is also why short-sellers have a huge role in causing the 2008 financial crisis!!

they are also a huge part of the reason why stock prices absolutely BOTTOMED in the beginning of the pandemic!!

lots of other countries have outlawed, or at least increased regulations on short-selling because it can cause market prices to fluctuate endlessly, creating instability. also because it’s just a dick move to profit off of a company’s loss and hurt regular investors in the process.

ALSO, not only do big hedge funds short stocks, they also intentionally mislead the public on the actual stock value and company performance by spreading misinformation across the internet. (this practice is called “short and distort”, basically a glorified ponzi scheme)

in conclusion: short-sellers suck ass and can go fuck themselves 😘 what’s happening right now with melvin and gamestop is just a taste of what we could do to them and i’m loving every single moment of it <3

[hellofromthe-otter-slide]

1-65 😈

Well, this is literally every question, so everything is under the cut.

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

Not really

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

Mostly a 2, but girlfriend made me go see Candyman last weekend, so right now it's a 3.

3. The person you would never want to meet?

Uhhhhh, I don't know, Elon Musk? He sounds insufferable

4. What is your favorite word?

Okay, I'm gonna grab a German word for this one. Eichhörnchen. It means squirrel and it's borderline impossible to say

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

A big ole oak tree

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

That weird hair bump is back and I didn't even go to sleep with wet hair

7. What shirt are you wearing?

My girlfriend's tie dyed shirt with a middle finger on it

8. What do you label yourself as?

Latina, gay, nonbinary

9. Bright room or dark room?

Dark room. Whoever turns of the big lights are fucking monsters

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

I'm pretty sure I was asleep

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

My age now, so 25

12. Who told you they loved you last?

My girlfriend

13. Your worst enemy?

My instructional coach. Straight up

14. What is your current desktop picture?

The bridal party for my friend's wedding I was in

15. Do you like someone?

Yes. I'm sadly dating her

16. The last song you listened to?

That's What You Get by Paramore

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Goodbye, Jeff Bezos

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Second verse, same as the first (Jeff Bezos). For people I know in real life, my instructional coach

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

I...do not like this question. No one. Everyone is Dobby, now a free elf

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

My eyes. Only one in the family to inherit my grandmother's green eyes

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

I'd dress the same and probably just go about my day

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

Gift giving. I always deep dive to figure out the perfect present

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

Um, fire. I don't fuck with that shit anywhere near me

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Wheat bread, a little mayo, spicy brown mustard, hummus, white cheddar cheese, tofurkey, sliced tomato, avocado

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Probably something responsible, like buy a vacuum

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Tokyo

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

I think it's called Rumchata? Like alcoholic horchata?

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? 

If any man is seen instituting patriarchal rules, he is fed to the beast

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Fuck

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

A print my girlfriend got me that's framed

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Oh geez. Um, all of it? Start with a clean slate

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

Germany, my second home. I'm coming back

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

Sydney, my German Shepard growing up

34. What was your last dream about?

Oof. It was a nightmare that I don't really remember

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

I am a good writer, I think. Good enough to make my friends upset about the angst I wrote

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Yup! Broke my ankle

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

I'm from Indiana, so yes. It's not as easy as it looks

38. What is the color of your socks?

While I usually wear colorful, fun socks, I am currently barefoot

39. What type of music do you like?

Whatever Aly & AJ are doing

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunsets

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Mint chocolate chip

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

I mean, I was just forced to watch the UGA game

43. Do you have any scars?

Two from the aforementioned broken ankle. Had to get surgery

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

I am a teacher

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

That mental illness can just shoo

46. Are you reliable?

Very

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

What the fuck is going on?

48. Do you hold grudges?

Nope

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

Otters and sloths

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

My best friend taught me about oviposition once

51. Are you a good liar?

Yup

52. How long could you go without talking?

So long

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

My mom cutting off all of my hair during first grade

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

Yup

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

Very many

56. What do you like on your toast?

Honey and butter

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

A lighthouse

58. What would be you dream car?

An electric one. I'm tired of paying for gas

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

I sing and conduct fake interviews about my writing

60. Do you believe in aliens?

Yep

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

Never

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

Q

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dragons

64. What do you think about babies?

They look weird as newborns

65: you didn't give me an extra question here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[spidercakes]

Starker AU in which all Peter’s friends are really confused about what his ‘new job’ is.

*

“I’ve got it,” Peter says, sparing his friends trying to figure out what the pizza bill will be split four ways. They all frown at him but he goes down to the first floor of the library anyway and pays for the pizza before he brings it back up. Mostly he’s just happy that they can study with food because nothing is worse than trying to balance equations on an empty stomach. Ned, Liz, and MJ frown when they see the boxes because they didn’t watch him order it online so they had no idea he just got them all their own pizzas. If nothing else they’ll have left overs for tomorrow.

“Dude, how the hell can you afford that?” Ned asks.

He can’t, technically, but Tony gave him access to all his accounts and Peter figures if he’s got access he might as well treat his friends. But he can’t tell them that because their relationship isn’t public and there’s like a million reasons why Tony might want to keep it that way and Peter likes the anonymity also so he hasn’t said anything. “Um. I got a new job,” he lies. Actually he quit his job because if he never has to work at McDonald’s again it’ll be too soon. And he’d been so frustrated with shitty customers and his asshole boss that he accidentally told him to mcfuck himself before just walking out. He’d felt instantly bad but also he’s never going back there. Like ever. And thanks to Tony he doesn’t need to.

“Where and are they hiring?” Liz asks, digging through the pizzas to find hers and snatching it. Ned and MJ take that as an invitation to do the same, leaving Peter’s in front of him.

“Oh um. Probably no where you want to work,” he says and changes the subject to their upcoming sociology quiz and they all groan. It’d been the only elective that they could all take together and they all hated it with a passion.

*

Ned watches as Peter all but flees the table at top speeds and yeah, none of them want to study but its still weird behavior. MJ squints as they all look at him, half turned towards the stacks blushing of all things as he talks to whoever on the phone. “Does he even answer the phone for May?” Liz asks and Ned shakes his head.

“Nope. He declines her calls and tells her to text.”

“So who the hell is that?” MJ asks and Ned’s thoughts exactly.

Liz slams her hand on the table, earning a bunch of looks from the people around them and wincing. “Sorry,” she says to no one in particular. “Guys!” she hisses at him and MJ. “He got a new job, suddenly seems flush with cash, is on the phone despite the fact that no one our age talks on the phone, works somewhere I wouldn’t want to. He’s totally a sugar baby!”

Ned and MJ look over at him giggling softly into the phone, cheeks still red and oh my god. “Oh my god he’s a fucking sugar baby. Do you think he sucks old man balls?” he asks, wrinkling his nose.

“Well, he’s on the phone and this dude must have a ton of cash because he’s paid for us to go out for like, the last two months. Boomer for sure,” MJ says.

Liz wrinkles her nose too. “You know what, better him than us,” she says, pulling a slice of pizza from the box and taking a bite. They nod in agreement as Peter comes back over looking weirdly happy considering being a sugar baby has to suck.

“I’ve got to go soon,” he says. “So we should probably make this quick.”

Ned gives him a gentle pat on the shoulder because he appreciates Peter taking one for the team. Peter looks confused, but they’ll let him tell them about being a sugar baby on his own terms.

*

Peter walks in the door and he’s so tired but Tony just got back from Malibu and he’s missed him so he agreed to go over anyway. Tony’s on the couch looking as tired as Peter feels but he reaches out for him anyway, pulling Peter into his lap so he’s straddling him. “Missed you,” Peter murmurs, wrapping his arms around Tony’s neck.

“Missed you too, baby,” he murmurs, hands settling on Peter’s hips as he leans in to kiss Peter. They stay there like that for a few minutes, kissing softly as Peter curls his fingers through Tony’s hair.

Tony pulls back after a moment, grinning. “By the way you’re such a college student. Do you actually spend money on things that aren’t pizza and clubbing?” he asks, dark eyes glittering in amusement.

“Ok first of all we go to pubs because we have taste, okay? And pizza is good. And filling. And its like a nice treat after a long day of studying or classes, leave me be. What’d you expect me to get, a sports car?” he asks and he’s joking but Tony shrugs.

“Kind of, yeah. But I guess with access to more money than you can fathom you end up addicted to Starbucks,” he says like Starbucks isn’t really expensive and a total treat to him normally.

“I like Starbucks,” he says in his own defense. “And the planet is dying, I’m not going to get a car when public transportation is fine,” he says.

“There are environmentally friendly options,” Tony points out and Peter wrinkles his nose.

“I swear to god if you mention Tesla like Elon Musk isn’t like that I will have to go through his Twitter feed to pull receipts on why he’s a shit bag who shouldn’t be supported,” he says and Tony laughs.

“Can’t say I care for Musk. Frankly I’m a little annoyed with people comparing us because first of all my name isn’t you know... fucking heinous. And also if I’m going to be compared to celebrities I always thought I was a bit more like Paris Hilton,” he says and Peter snorts.

“Totally misread but actually pretty nice and surprisingly passionate about the things you care about? Yeah, you guys are comparable,” he says.

“I meant that we’re hot but you know, that too,” Tony says. “But since you insist on mostly gorging yourself on pizza I took the liberty of making sure you’re taken care of and got you an apartment. Something closer to here and school so its less of a travel,” he murmurs.

Peter is grateful, really, but MJ, Liz, and Ned are about to be fucked for rent. “Um,” he says, unsure how to bring that up but Tony’s got a knowing look on his face.

“Want to go see it?” he asks and Peter doesn’t know how to back out so he just nods.

*

Peter almost shits when he sees the place because its fucking gorgeous but that’s more surprising is Liz, Ned, and MJ fighting over who gets the lemon chicken in the fridge. They all turn to face him and their eyes go wide, presumably, because Tony is standing there with his arm around Peter’s waist. “Um,” he says intelligently.

MJ drops the lemon chicken and Liz immediately snatches it off the ground, still safe in its container. Ned just looks stunned. “Your sugar daddy is Tony Stark?” he asks, voice going up.

He swears he can feel Tony’s anger even if he knows Tony isn’t showing it. “I didn’t tell them you were my sugar daddy! I don’t even know where they got that impression!” he says honestly.

Liz squints, “dude, you went from dirt poor and crying about money every other day to funding all our outings, buying us food all the time, and after like two months of avoiding giving us answers you told us you got a new job. It seemed pretty obvious that you’re a sugar baby. No judgement,” she throws out there.

“A job?” Tony asks and Peter lets out a squeak.

“You make money at jobs, I panicked!” he says in his defense.

“Why not just tell them the truth?” Tony asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I didn’t think you wanted to deal with the press and stuff and I get that so I kept it to myself,” Peter says and Tony frowns.

“So... you haven’t said anything because you thought I didn’t want people to know?” he asks.

Peter shrugs, “more or less and I get it, its okay. People will probably say some really nasty things and I can see why you wouldn’t want to-” his words are cut off as Tony draws him in for a kiss. He goes, making a surprised noise but happily leaning into it.

“Baby I thought you didn’t want people to know and I couldn’t figure out why. God, we’re dumb,” he mumbles.

“Does this mean we get to live here now? Because now that I have seen how rich people live I don’t want to go back,” Ned says, earning a snort from Liz. She’s the only one of them that grew up not dirt poor so this probably isn’t that big of a step up for her.

“Obviously. If Peter wasn’t paying his portion of the rent something tells me you wouldn’t be able to afford the place you had,” Tony says and Peter relaxes.

“Oh thank god! I didn’t want to be rude and say no to this place but I wasn’t about to screw my friends over either,” he says, realizing too late that there must have been a reason for them being here. Then he frowns, “wait, how did you guys get here?” he asks.

“Subway,” Ned tells him and MJ rolls her eyes.

“There was a note on the table from a T.S with this address and we assumed it was for you and we all wanted to see what being a sugar baby would get us so we decided to snoop and hope we didn’t find you fucking some old as tits boomer,” MJ says bluntly.

“Also if this was a job its a damn lie that I wouldn’t want a job where I get to sleep with Tony Stark,” Liz tells him.

“I’m so glad I don’t need to feel guilty for the free stuff,” Ned says, hand pressed to his chest. “I was wondering if maybe you decided fuck it and were maxing out a line of credit or something.”

Peter nods. “Hm. Makes sense. So now I’m sexiling all of you because I don’t want to have to worry about being quiet. Get you lemon chicken and go,” Peter tells them.

Ned wrinkles his nose. “Gross, dude.”

MJ snorts, “like you wouldn’t sleep with Tony Stark. Not like that’s a hardship. We might as well pack our shit at home,” she points out.

“Uh huh, whatever you guys need to do. Now out so I can get fucked through my mattress,” he says, grabbing Tony’s hand and dragging him off through the kitchen before he pauses. “Wait, where’s my room?” he asks and Tony laughs.

“Follow me, baby. Glad you liked it,” he murmurs as he pulls Peter along.

[carcino-generic]

HOW HUMANS ARE HAVING THEIR LIVES RUINED BY KARKAT VANTAS

[plain text]

ALRIGHT, HERE’S THE BASICS OF CAPITALISM FROM A WORKING CLASS AMERICAN. I WANT TO START OUT BY SAYING I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT EUROPE, CANADA, AUSTRALIA, OR ANY OTHER “FIRST-WORLD” COUNTRIES. I DON’T KNOW WHO TORIES ARE AND I DON’T CARE ABOUT EMMANUEL MACRON. FOREIGN AFFAIRS ARE NOT MY CUP OF TEA THANKS. I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS WITH DOMESTIC POLITICS. ALSO DON’T GET ON MY ASS ABOUT CALLING IT AMERICA INSTEAD OF THE U.S.A., CANADIANS DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO BE AMERICANS AND IF THEY DO THEY’RE MORONS FOR REASONS THAT WILL BECOME CLEAR AS YOU READ ON. 

YOU KNOW HOW IN A NORMAL SOCIETY, TRADE IS DRIVEN BY RESOURCES AND PRICES ARE DETERMINED BY THE AVAILABILITY, COMPLEXITY, AND DIFFICULTY IN PRODUCTION OF A PRODUCT? SO IMAGINE YOUR COUNTRY GETS ENOUGH MONEY, POWER, AND SHEER BLIND DEVOTION FROM ITS CITIZENS TO THROW ALL THAT IN THE GARBAGE, AND THEN IMAGINE THAT EVERYONE CAPABLE OF MAKING MEANINGFUL CHANGES AT A FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL, WHILE REMAINING WITHIN THE CURRENT SYSTEM, IS OWNED BY SOMEONE WHO BENEFITS EGREGIOUSLY FROM EVERYTHING STAYING THE SAME, AND EVEN MORE EGREGIOUSLY FROM THINGS BECOMING WORSE. NOW IMAGINE THAT WHEN I SAID “SOMEONE” I MEANT “ONE OF MAYBE FIFTEEN MEGA-CORPORATIONS THAT OWNS EVERY OTHER BUSINESS IN THE COUNTRY,” AND WHEN I SAY “EVERYONE CAPABLE OF MAKING MEANINGFUL CHANGES...” I MEAN POLITICIANS WE ELECT TO PRETEND TO REPRESENT OUR INTERESTS WHO HAVE IN REALITY BEEN BOUGHT OUT BY CORPORATE INTERESTS AND RISK LOSING THEIR JOBS IF THEY MAKE LAWS THAT THREATEN THOSE CORPORATE INTERESTS’ BOTTOM LINES. BASICALLY, WE INVESTED ALL OUR POWER INTO PRIVATELY OWNED MONEY SINKS AND FORGOT TO CARE ABOUT THE THINGS THAT MATTER, LIKE THE ACTUAL CITIZENS? OKAY THIS IS GETTING AWAY FROM ME, WE MIGHT HAVE TO START FROM THE BASICS. 

I DON’T KNOW HOW YOUR SOCIETY WORKS, BUT IN OURS, YOU START OUT AS A LITTLE BABY. AS SOON AS YOU’RE PHYSIOLOGICALLY CAPABLE OF EXISTING FOR CONSECUTIVE HOURS WITHOUT THE PEOPLE WHO RAISED YOU, THEY SHOVE YOU IN A CLASSROOM AND START FEEDING YOU A MIXTURE OF COLONIAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL, PHILOSOPHICAL, AND POLITICAL PROPAGANDA. THAT’S ALSO WHERE THEY TEACH YOU HOW TO SOCIALIZE WITH KIDS YOUR AGE AND SHIT. FOR SOME KIDS IT’S THE *ONLY* PLACE THEY CAN LEARN TO SOCIALIZE, BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS ARE TOO BUSY, ABSENT, OR PROTECTIVE TO BRING YOU OUT TO INTERACT WITH PEERS. EITHER WAY, THIS IS WHERE KIDS FORM THEIR CONCEPTS OF BOTH PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS AND SOCIAL CONTRACTS. THE TRAUMA OF RACIAL AND GENDER PROFILING IS NASCENT HERE, BUT OH BOY IT INTERNALIZES QUICKLY. (MORE ON HOW PEOPLE OF COLOR, THE WAR ON DRUGS, AND PROFIT ARE ALL LINKED LATER ON, OR MAYBE JUST LOOK UP A VIDEO ESSAY ON IT IDK.) 

IT’S PRETTY MUCH THIRTEEN YEARS OF THIS SAME SHIT, ESPECIALLY THE PROPAGANDA BIT. KIDS GROW UP BEING INDOCTRINATED WITH THIS COMPLETELY WHITEWASHED VERSION OF REALITY, BELIEVING CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS* IS THE SHIT AND CAPITALISM IS THE ONLY EFFICIENT MODEL FOR MODERN SOCIETY. THEY’RE USUALLY TAUGHT ALL ABOUT WORLD WARS I AND II, THE VIETNAM WAR, THE COLD WAR, AND THE SPACE RACE, WHICH (BY UNEQUIVOCALLY POSING AMERICANS AS THE GOOD GUYS AND THE SOVIETS AND CHINESE AS THE BAD GUYS,  CEMENTS THE CONCEPT THAT CAPITALISM INHERENTLY RULES AND COMMUNISM INHERENTLY FAILS) FURTHER INDOCTRINATES KIDS. IF YOU’RE REALLY AN ALIEN I DOUBT YOU’VE SEEN THIS IMAGE, BUT EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN EARTHLING HAS:

THIS GUY IS NAMED UNCLE SAM, HE’S BASICALLY AMERICA’S FURSONA. HE EXISTS TO PRESSURE YOU INTO SIGNING UP TO FIGHT IN A WAR. HE WAS USED A LOT IN THOSE WARS I TALKED ABOUT UP THERE, ESPECIALLY THE FIRST THREE. HE’S NOT AROUND SO MUCH ANY MORE BUT THE GENERAL SENTIMENT IS. HERE’S HOW. 

WHEN YOU GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL, THE LAST “REQUIRED” STAGE OF SCHOOL, YOU ARE EXPECTED TO MOVE OUT AND GET A JOB TO SUPPORT YOURSELF. BUT NOWADAYS, IF YOU WANT A JOB THAT PAYS FOR YOUR HEALTH CARE, LETS YOU STAY HOME WHEN YOU GET SICK, GIVES YOU DAYS OFF TO GO TO FAMILY EVENTS SUCH AS WEDDINGS, FUNERALS, THE BIRTH OF YOUR CHILDREN, AND OTHER UNIMPORTANT DRIVEL THAT DOESN’T MAKE CEOS MONEY, YOU BET YOUR ASS YOU’D BETTER GET A COLLEGE DEGREE. HAVING A DEGREE IS THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU CAN GUARANTEE THAT YOU MAKE MORE MONEY. THAT ALL SOUNDS FINE AND DANDY, EXCEPT NOW YOU HAVE TO PAY SOME INDUSTRIAL-SCALE LOAN SHARK MORE THAN YOU’LL EVER HAVE IN YOUR 401(K) TO LET YOU GET YOUR HIGHER EDUCATION. A LOT OF PEOPLE END UP OWING UPWARDS OF FIFTY GRAND TO A PRIVATELY OWNED LOAN AGENCY BY THE TIME THEY’RE TWENTY-ONE, BECAUSE AS FRESH ADULTS THEY WERE TOLD THEY WOULDN’T GET A WORTHWHILE JOB UNLESS THEY HAD A DEGREE. BUT HERE’S THE THING: A LOT OF TIMES, JOBS LIKE THAT WON’T EVEN HIRE YOU UNLESS YOU HAVE A MASTER’S DEGREE NOW! THAT’S ANOTHER TWO YEARS OF CLASSES AND ANOTHER HUGE CHUNK OF MONEY YOU NEVER HAD TO BEGIN WITH. 

OF COURSE THERE ARE LESS EXPENSIVE OPTIONS, LIKE TRADE SCHOOL AND COMMUNITY COLLEGE. BUT REMEMBER THE PROPAGANDA I MENTIONED? IT’S SO PERVASIVE, A LOT OF YOUNG PEOPLE DON’T EVEN CONSIDER TRADE SCHOOL AN OPTION NOW, BECAUSE WE CULTURALLY VALUE THE “INTELLECTUAL” JOBS—DOCTOR, LAWYER, ENGINEER, ACCOUNTANT, BUSINESSMAN—WHICH ARE STRANGELY ALSO THE CAREER PATHS THAT REQUIRE THE MOST INVESTMENT OF TIME AND MONEY! NOW IF YOU DECIDE TO BE LIKE ME AND GET A JOB RIGHT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE THE EDUCATION INDUSTRY IS A PUTRID WASTELAND, YOU’RE AUTOMATICALLY LOOKED DOWN UPON. A LOT OF TIMES PEOPLE WHO ARE PURSUING LESS LUCRATIVE CAREERS THAT INTEREST THEM***, INSTEAD OF THE BIG MONEY JOBS, ARE DISPARAGINGLY ASKED IF THEY WANT TO “END UP WORKING AT MCDONALDS.” I DON’T PERSONALLY WORK AT MCDONALDS BUT THIS SHIT STILL OFFENDS ME. BUT THEN AGAIN I’M A MILLENNIAL SNOWFLAKE SO WHAT DO I KNOW. 

ACADEMIA HAS A LOT OF ITS OWN PROBLEMS BUT I’VE ONLY HEARD THOSE SECONDHAND, SO LET’S LEAVE THAT HELLSCAPE TO ITS ELITISM AND STAY WITHIN THE BLUE-COLLAR SUBCLASS. COMMON PARLANCE WILL REFER TO THREE MAJOR CLASSES: THE LOWER CLASS (DIPLOMATICALLY CALLED THE “WORKING CLASS”, HA FUCKING HA!), THE MIDDLE CLASS (WHICH THEORETICALLY MAKES UP THE MAJORITY OF THE POPULATION), AND THE UPPER CLASS (FUCK THOSE GUYS BUT WE’LL GET AROUND TO THAT LATER.) THIS MODEL IS PRETTY MUCH JUST DESIGNED TO CREATE TENSION WITHIN THE PROLETARIAT, BUT HANG ON A SECOND, I JUST REMEMBERED YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE PROLETARIAT IS YET. 

SO BASICALLY, THERE’S NOT THAT MUCH DEFINABLE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE “MIDDLE CLASS” AND THE “WORKING CLASS.” WHEN YOU THINK OF WORKING CLASS, COLLOQUIALLY, YOU THINK OF THOSE LOSERS THAT WORK IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY OR DRIVE TAXIS OR (AND THIS IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO SOME PEOPLE) HAVE NO JOB AT ALL. THE MIDDLE CLASS IS MORE LIKE TEACHERS AND MIDDLE MANAGERS AND GUYS THAT BUILD SOFTWARE REMOTELY FOR MICROSOFT. REALLY THOUGH, THERE’S NO WAY TO DRAW A DEFINITIVE LINE BETWEEN THESE PEOPLE. THE BEST WAY TO DEFINE CLASS IN AMERICA, (AND ALSO APPARENTLY GERMANY, AT LEAST IN THE 19TH CENTURY,) IS TO SEPARATE THOSE WHO PRODUCE GOODS AND THOSE WHO OWN THE GOODS THAT ARE PRODUCED. THERE IS NO “MIDDLE CLASS”, THAT’S JUST A MEANINGLESS THING TO STRIVE FOR BASED ON WHAT WHITE FAMILIES IN SITCOMS LOOK AND ACT LIKE. 

WORKERS WHO PRODUCE GOODS AND SERVICES ARE THE BACKBONE OF SOCIETY AND THEY’RE CALLED THE PROLETARIAT. THEY ARE SERVICE WORKERS AND JANITORS AND TAXI DRIVERS AND HOTEL VALETS, BUT THEY ARE ALSO ELECTRICIANS AND PLUMBERS AND MECHANICS, AND THEY ARE LAWYERS AND DOCTORS AND PROFESSORS, AND THEY ARE YOUTUBERS AND INFLUENCERS AND SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGERS. THE PROLETARIAT IS ANYONE WHO MAKES MONEY BY SELLING THEIR LABOR. THEY CAN BE CONTRACTORS SELLING THEIR LABOR TO INDEPENDENT BUYERS, OR FREELANCERS SELLING THEIR LABOR TO MULTIPLE LARGER BUSINESSES, BUT MOST OF THE PROLETARIAT IS DIRECTLY EMPLOYED BY SOME KIND OF COMPANY OWNED BY A MEMBER OF THE BOURGEOISIE. 

THE BOURGEOISIE IS KIND OF A MEME AT THIS POINT BUT THEIR IMPACT ON THE WAY WE LIVE IS FUCKING INESCAPABLE. THEY’RE PEOPLE WHO *BUY* OUR LABOR, ACCRUE CAPITAL BY SITTING ON THEIR (SOMETIMES LITERAL!!!) THRONES, OWNING COMPANIES AND PEOPLE, SOMETIMES BEING A PUBLIC FIGURE (LIKE ELON MUSK) WHO RAKES IN ADORATION FROM HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF MINDLESS TWITTER DRONES WHO STILL BELIEVE IN CLASS MOBILITY****, OR SOMETIMES BEING A SHADOWY FIGURE IN THE BACKGROUND (LIKE THE KOCH BROTHERS) WHO JUST PASSIVELY RAKE IN THE BENEFITS OF OUR HARD WORK AND CAN’T BE ASSASSINATED BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD RECOGNIZE THEM IF THEY WERE SEEN AT KROGER. THEY ARE USUALLY BORN WEALTHY, BUT VERY RARELY THEY CAN USE THEIR CHARISMA, INTELLIGENCE, SOCIAL CONNECTIONS, AND INTRINSIC PRIVILEGE AS A WHITE PERSON TO YANK THEMSELVES UP FROM THE PROLETARIAT (READ MY CLASS MOBILITY NOTE FOR MORE!!!) 

SO THE RESULT OF THIS CLASS DIVISION IS AS FOLLOWS: 

THE PROLETARIAT NEVER EARNS THE ACTUAL VALUE OF THEIR LABOR. A “SMALL” CHUNK IS ALWAYS TAKEN OUT FOR THE PEOPLE AT THE TOP, WHO “RUN” THE COMPANY (BUT REALLY THEIR JOB IS USUALLY TO EAT FANCY LUNCH AND TELL RACIST GOLF JOKES TO RICH INVESTORS). IN FACT, WAGES ARE USUALLY ENTIRELY DISSOCIATED FROM THE ACTUAL PROFIT THE COMPANY MAKES. FOR A BUSINESS TO BE PROFITABLE, IT HAS TO PAY THE EMPLOYEES IT RELIES ON LESS THAN WHAT THEY BRING TO THE TABLE, WHICH MEANS MOST COMPANIES ESTABLISH A BASE WAGE THAT’S EITHER EXACTLY THE STATE’S MINIMUM WAGE OR A COUPLE CENTS HIGHER TO COMPETE. THEY LITERALLY PAY THE LEAST THEY LEGALLY CAN. SOMETIMES *LESS*.

YOUR JOB IS EXPECTED TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE. EXHAUSTED AFTER YOUR FORTY, FIFTY, OR SIXTY HOUR WORK WEEK? THAT’S JUST NORMAL, THEY’RE NOT SQUEEZING THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF LABOR OUT OF YOU THAT THEY CAN WITHOUT KILLING YOU! WANT TO TAKE A FEW DAYS OFF TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR WIFE AFTER SHE GAVE BIRTH TO YOUR INFANT CHILD? SORRY, YOU’RE OUT OF SICK DAYS. MISSED THE BUS AND THERE’S NOT ANOTHER ONE FOR AN HOUR? IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR NOT HAVING A CAR OR SPENDING FIFTY BUCKS ON AN UBER. TRYING TO GO TO YOUR FIFTH FAMILY FUNERAL BECAUSE ALL YOUR RELATIVES ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES AFTER A HARD SIXTY YEARS OF LABOR? OOH, SORRY, YOU ONLY GET FOUR FUNERAL DAYS A YEAR! NEED TO GET ANOTHER JOB BECAUSE YOUR CURRENT ONE DOESN’T PAY ENOUGH? WELL, YOU FORGOT TO DISCLOSE IT TO YOUR BOSS AND THEY FIRED YOU FOR TWO-TIMING THEM! A JOB IS MORE OF A COMMITMENT THAN A SPOUSE, AND IF YOU HAVE OTHER PRIORITIES, YOU WON’T LAST LONG. 

BECAUSE THE BOURGEOISIE OWNS SERVICES THAT SHOULD BE PROVIDED BY THE GOVERNMENT, LIKE HEALTHCARE, HOME AND AUTO INSURANCE, A LOT OF HIGHER EDUCATION ESTABLISHMENTS, CREDIT BUREAUS, LOAN COMPANIES, AND HOSPITALS, PROFIT IS THE MOTIVE THERE TOO! WHICH MEANS IF YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF INSURANCE, NEED TO BUY A HOUSE OR A CAR, WANT OR NEED AN EDUCATION, ARE CHRONICALLY ILL, OR JUST EXIST ON A GENERAL BASIS, COMPANIES ARE RIPPING YOU OFF. YOU ARE BASICALLY PAYING THOUSANDS A MONTH FOR THE CHANCE TO GET *SOME* OF YOUR MASSIVE HOSPITAL BILL COVERED IF YOU GET IN AN ACCIDENT. THIS ONE IS NEAR AND DEAR TO ME. FOR UNIMPORTANT REASONS, I MANAGE TO RACK UP A LOT OF DEBT EVERY YEAR GOING TO HOSPITALS AND URGENT CARE, CALLING AMBULANCES, PAYING FOR MEDICATION THAT DOESN’T WORK. DID YOU KNOW YOU’RE CHARGED NIGHTLY TO STAY IN HOSPITALS LIKE THEY’RE GODDAMN HOTELS? LIKE IT’S A FUCKING VACATION? AND DID YOU KNOW THE BILLING DEPARTMENTS OF EACH OF THESE PRIVATELY OWNED ESTABLISHMENTS IS MADE UP OF UNDERPAID, OVERSTRESSED MEMBERS OF THE PROLETARIAT WHOSE JOB IS TO FUCK UP YOUR BILL SO YOU OWE MORE THAN YOUR VISIT ACTUALLY COST? 

MEDICAL FACILITIES ARE ALSO PUSHED TO SELL OVERPRICED DRUGS THAT DON’T WORK TO PEOPLE. HEADS UP, GUYS, BUT ANTIBIOTICS DON’T WORK AGAINST VIRAL INFECTIONS, AND YET THEY’RE PRESCRIBED FOR THE FLU AND COMMON COLD EVERY DAY. AND SOMETIMES THE DRUGS DO WORK, BUT THEY’RE STILL OVERPRICED! IF YOU’VE BEEN ON THE INTERNET AT ALL THIS YEAR YOU’LL KNOW ALL ABOUT THE INSULIN CRISIS, WHICH WAS CREATED ARTIFICIALLY. BASICALLY THE PEOPLE WHO OWN INSULIN (YEAH, *OWN* A LIFE-SAVING MEDICATION) RACKED UP THE PRICE SO MUCH THAT PEOPLE COULDN’T FUCKING AFFORD IT ANYMORE, DESPITE A NORMAL DOSE OF INSULIN COSTING LIKE FIFTY CENTS TO MAKE?? OR, HOW ABOUT THIS—THEY INVENTED THIS COOL NEW CHEAP PAIN-RELIEVING DRUG CALLED FENTANYL AND DISCOVERED THEY COULD MAKE A SHIT TON OF MONEY OFF IT, SO DOCTORS PRESCRIBED THE HELL OUT OF IT UNTIL PEOPLE GOT SO ADDICTED TO IT THAT TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE DIED OF OVERDOSES. OH, DID I SAY “PRESCRIBED” IN THE PAST TENSE? MY BAD, THEY CONTINUE TO PRESCRIBE IT EVERY SINGLE DAY. IF YOU HAVE CHRONIC PAIN AND ASK DOCTORS NOT TO PUT YOU ON PAIN MEDICATION, A LOT OF TIMES THEY WILL STILL PUT YOU ON PAIN MEDICATION. IF YOU EXPLAIN TO YOUR DOCTOR THAT YOU KICKED A HEROIN ADDICTION AND YOU REALLY WOULD NOT LIKE TO HAVE OPIOIDS PUT IN YOUR BODY, THEY WILL PROBABLY STILL BE LIKE, HUH, SUCKS FOR YOU, AND PUT OPIOIDS IN YOUR BODY. 

DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE ANY OF THIS? PERHAPS PETITION YOUR LOCAL POLITICIAN, OR GOD FORBID, STATE CONGRESSMAN, TO PASS A LAW THAT YOU THINK MIGHT IMPROVE YOUR LIFE? WELL, IT TURNS OUT YOU NEED A LOT OF MONEY TO RUN A CAMPAIGN NOWADAYS, AND POLITICIANS ARE ALLOWED TO BE SPONSORED BY BIG BUSINESSES, BECAUSE BUSINESSES ARE PEOPLE. SO IF YOU’RE THE SENATOR OF NEW JERSEY OR WHATEVER, AND YOUR CONSTITUENTS WANT YOU TO VOTE TO RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE, BUT YOUR CAMPAIGN IS OWNED BY WALMART, WHO WANTS TO KEEP PAYING ITS WORKERS ELEVEN BUCKS AN HOUR, YOU HAVE THE CHOICE BETWEEN MAKING A COUPLE LITTLE WORKING CLASS IDIOTS ANGRY OR GETTING ALL YOUR FUNDING FROM WALMART PULLED BECAUSE YOU THREATENED THEIR PROFIT MARGINS. 

NOT ACTIVELY DYING FROM A TREATABLE ILLNESS, WASTING AWAY FROM DRUG ADDICTION, OR ENTRENCHED IN SLAVERY TO A CORPORATION WHOSE PRODUCT YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN? GREAT! DID YOU KNOW THE PLANET WILL BE ON FIRE IN LIKE A FEW DECADES? OIL AND GAS COMPANIES HAVE SO MUCH INFLUENCE OVER THE LAWMAKERS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO PROHIBIT THEM FROM RUINING THE PLANET, THEY’VE PUT THE ONUS OF SAVING IT ON INDIVIDUALS’ SHOULDERS. REDUCE YOUR CARBON EMISSIONS BY TAKING THAT HOURLY BUS (YOU’LL EITHER BE FIFTY MINUTES EARLY TO WORK OR TEN MINUTES LATE!) OR RECYCLING YOUR SHIT (BUT IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR MUNICIPALITY CAN’T RECYCLE, THEY’LL THROW THE WHOLE BATCH OUT WHEN YOU PUT TRASH IN) OR TURNING THE LIGHTS OFF IN YOUR HOUSE (JUST EAT DINNER IN THE DARK YOU PIECE OF SHIT) OR INSTALLING SOLAR PANELS ON YOUR HOUSE (FUCK ME FOR RENTING I GUESS?) THERE IS SO MUCH WE CAN DO JUST WHENEVER TO SWITCH TO SUSTAINABLE ENERGY, BUT EXXON AND BP AND SHELL OWN SO MUCH INFLUENCE THAT WE’RE JUST *NOT*, AND LEAVING THIS WASTELAND OF A HOME PLANET TO OUR FUTURE GENERATIONS. BUT AT LEAST ELON MUSK BUILT THIS REALLY COOL LOW-POLY BETHESDA LOOKING PIECE OF SHIT FOR US TO MAKE MEMES ABOUT

HERE’S THE SKINNY OF IT, PEOPLE. THERE’S NO OUT WITHIN OUR CURRENT SYSTEM. EVEN IF YOU DID THE MAGIC AND PULLED YOURSELF UP BY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS AND NOW YOU’RE A BIG BOY WHO OWNS HIS OWN COMPANY, YOU LEFT BEHIND A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T WIN THE BIRTH LOTTERY LIKE YOU DID. INNOCENT FOLKS ARE DYING OF HUNGER OR ILLNESS THEY CAN’T AFFORD TO TREAT, CRASHING CARS THEY CAN’T AFFORD TO FIX, WORKING THEMSELVES LITERALLY TO DEATH TO SUPPORT THEMSELVES OR THEIR FAMILIES, AND SCRAPING BY WITH A MEASLY ALLOWANCE OF FREE TIME WITH WHICH TO UNWIND AND CATCH UP WITH OTHER PEOPLE. THEY DON’T HAVE TIME TO WATCH THE NEWS, THINK CRITICALLY ABOUT THE SOCIETY THEY LIVE IN, CONCEPTUALIZE UNIONIZING OR REVOLTING OR BUILDING GUILLOTINES. THEY WANT TO KEEP US EXHAUSTED AND STRUGGLING BECAUSE IT’S WHAT KEEPS THEM COMFORTABLE UP THERE, KNOWING NO ONE HAS THE ENERGY OR THE GALL TO TOUCH THEM. THE ONLY FUCKING WAY TO ESCAPE THIS HELL WE’VE CREATED IS THROUGH REVOLUTION. WE NEED TO SCRAP THIS WHOLE THING AND START OVER. BUT I THINK THAT’S ANOTHER ESSAY. ANYWAY I HOPE THIS WAS THOROUGH ENOUGH FOR A LITERAL ALIEN SOCIETY. 

TL;DR: WE ARE ALL FUCKED IF WE DON’T OVERTHROW THE RICH. 

---------------

*CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS IS SOME EUROPEAN WHO SAILED THE WRONG WAY AND ENDED UP IN THE AMERICAS. HE AND HIS BUDDIES RAPED AND PILLAGED THEIR WAY THROUGH A BUNCH OF INDIGINOUS COMMUNITIES AND DECIDED THIS COUNTRY WAS “FREE REIGN” TO SETTLE IN. HE IS HAILED AS THE AMERICAN ODYSSEUS AND CREDITED WITH THE “DISCOVERY” OF AMERICA BECAUSE OF COURSE ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO LIVED HERE FIRST DON’T COUNT??

**I DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT WARS EITHER BUT LET’S GET INTO IT FROM THE POV OF A GUY WHO PASSED HIS WORLD HISTORY CLASS WITH A STRAIGHT B MINUS. 

THE FIRST WORLD WAR: I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS ONE.

THE SECOND WORLD WAR: THE ONE WHERE A BUNCH OF SCIENTISTS AND GOVERNMENT OFFICERS BOMBED A COUPLE OF CIVILIAN SETTLEMENTS IN JAPAN AND I’M PRETTY SURE AN *ENTIRE HAWAIIAN ISLAND* JUST TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED. TURNS OUT IT KILLED A BUNCH OF CIVILIANS. HUH! WHO’D HAVE EXPECTED THAT! OH IT ALSO TURNED AN ENTIRE GENERATION OF OTHERWISE DECENT FOLKS INTO RABIDLY PATRIOTIC IDIOTS, BECAUSE THE PACE AT WHICH THIS COUNTRY CHURNS OUT PROPAGANDA DURING A WAR IS FASTER THAN THE SPEEDING RUBBER BAND I SHOT WITH MY FINGERS AT THE TEACHER WHO WAS EXPLAINING WHY EVERY OTHER COUNTRY WAS IN THE ABSOLUTE WRONG DURING THIS CATASTROPHE.

VIETNAM: OKAY SO BASICALLY PEOPLE HATED THIS ONE BECAUSE THEY REALIZED SOLDIERS WERE GOING ALL CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS ON THE COUNTRIES WHERE THEY WERE STATIONED. ENOUGH SAID. 

COLD WAR: THIS IS NOMINALLY A WAR BECAUSE THE GOOD OLD U.S.A. AND ITS HATEFUCKBUDDY THE U.S.S.R.† DID THIS WITH WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION 

(EVENTUALLY THEY DECIDED TO PUT THE FINGER GUNS AWAY. I’M GONNA LET YOU TRY TO PUZZLE OUT ON YOUR OWN HOW COUNTRIES “PUT AWAY” NUCLEAR WEAPONS CAPABLE OF ENDING ALL LIFE ON EARTH.)

SPACE RACE: THE U.S. AND THE U.S.S.R. HAD A FUN COMPETITION TO SEE WHOSE DICK WAS BIG ENOUGH TO GET TO THE MOON. SCIENCE IS RUINED. 

***ARTISTS, WRITERS, JOURNALISTS, VIDEO ESSAYISTS, AND ANYONE ELSE WHO ISN’T EITHER OWNED OR SPONSORED (THAT’S A FANCY WORD FOR “OWNED”) BY BIG BUSINESS TEND TO BE THREATENED BY POVERTY. PRETTY MUCH ANYONE WHO CAN FREELANCE ACTUALLY, BECAUSE WORKING FOR A CORPORATION PROVIDES THE SAFETY NET THAT SOCIAL PROGRAMS WOULD OTHERWISE TAKE CARE OF IF SOCIAL PROGRAMS WERE FUNDED EVER. 

****ALSO KNOWN AS THE AMERICAN DREAM, IN WHICH *ANYBODY* CAN MAKE IT IN THIS COUNTRY IF THEY TRY HARD ENOUGH! UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS A MYTH, AS YOU CAN SEE BY THE FACT THAT I AM STILL REALLY POOR, AS IS LIKE 90% OF THE COUNTRY. PLUS CLASS MOBILITY WORKS REALLY HARD TO KEEP MINORITIES IN EXTREME POVERTY, BECAUSE IT DOESN’T EXIST AS AN ISOLATED SYSTEM AND ANYONE WHO THINKS IT DOES IS A DUMBSHIT WHO’S BOUGHT INTO THIS EVEN MORE THAN THE AVERAGE DUMBSHIT. 

†RUSSIA’S COOL NEW NAME WHEN IT TRIED OUT SOCIALISM

[teddystrap]

Drama CD: 「オジサマ VS ワカゾウ」２ ～恋はいつも突然に…～

Ojisama: Ichinose Yasunari (CEO, cv: Horiuchi Kenyuu) Wakazou: Ichinose Yuusei (Vice-President, cv: Sakurai Takahiro)

＊敬称略＊

ACT 1: Ichinose Yuusei rushes into his father's office with a shocking news: his younger brother, Minato, has a rumoured love interest in the office. But hearing this, Daddy is surprisingly calm - as it turns out, he has already investigated this rumour, and asked the girl in question to come and have a talk.

Enter *YOU*, confused and worried about why the CEO wants to see you. After introducing themselves, they tell you flat-out that they want you to *reject Minato's advances*. The reason? Minato is going to marry the daughter of a client company and become their future heir. This is his #destiny as the son of the Ichinose family.

You'd think that such arranged marriages should naturally be reserved for the oldest son (Yuusei) first, but see, Yuusei will be the future CEO of Ichinose Corporation itself, so he cannot be the CEO of the other company. (Maybe this guy could learn from Elon Musk and up his productivity. Just stay away from Twitter yo.)

Minato gets a lot of female attention all the time, but mostly from gold-diggers who are after the Ichinose wealth, so Yasunari is surprised to hear that you do not give two flying fucks about their money. They try to make a deal with you, that if you reject Minato, they will transfer you back to the Planning Department or wherever you like.

But! Your noble soul will not stand for such backhanded tactics!!! Although you aren't sure if you like Minato (...that would be a 'no' then...), you still refuse their offer, because they are not considering Minato's wishes in his own marriage prospects. Your reply piques Yasunari's interest. He gives you one day to make your final decision.

Both Yasunari and Yuusei are surprised by your bold honesty in stating your opinion. They decide it's best to give you time first, then later, if you really end up choosing Minato, then they will intervene. #perfectplanlol

When the time comes to give your answer, you say that you... need to postpone your decision some more. _(:3」∠)_. Yuusei is annoyed and threatens to transfer you to another branch, but Yasunari wants to... make you their personal mistress secretary and get to know you better.

Yasunari’s #evilplan is actually to trick you into falling in love with either himself or Yuusei and thus give up Minato. Yasunari thinks you are different from other women, but Yuusei still finds you boringly banal and uninteresting. Yuusei is also worried about this #evilplan, but his father is excited to see who will ’win' your heart.

*

ACT 2: A week after becoming their secretary, you have surprised both Yasunari and Yuusei by being good at your job and hard-working. Admittedly they both thought you were a gold-digging liar in the beginning, but now they have changed their minds. Yasunari in particular thinks you are a rare pure soul and too good for his son Minato lolol.

There's a meeting about business expansion in North America later this afternoon, and Yuusei has sent you to make some coffee before that. But you are taking a suspiciously long time, so he decides to come check up on you. Along the way, he hears a loud crash,... followed by some girls from another department running hurriedly from the break room. He enters to find you with spilled coffee all over your blouse.

(He then proceeds to rip the wet blouse off of your ripe, dripping body and ravage you in a fit of carnal passion... NOT.)

You claim that your hand slipped and spilled leftover coffee on yourself while emptying the pot, but Yuusei is not convinced. He has noticed some petty jealousy coming from a few of the female staff over your new promotion. He asks you to name the culprits, but you refuse, saying that you empathise with them: if you were in their position, you would also feel jealous towards yourself. Yuusei calls you a 「バカお人好し」 and compares you to Oscar Wilde's Happy Prince.

He excuses you from the meeting, and takes you shopping for a new blouse afterwards. (You need to attend some important business deal later that day.) He also tries to buy you a wine-red formal dress (for parties and events), but you decline angrily, because you are an #IndependentWoman à la Destiny's Child circa 2001.

The deal goes through swimmingly, and to thank you for your good work, Yuusei wants to treat you to the French restaurant at the top floor of the hotel. But just then the two of you run into... Yasunari! He has come to interfere with your romantic alone time >:D. You say you are tired, and he asks his chauffeur to take you home. Yuusei is understandbly displeased with this turn of events, and vows to get back at Daddy the next time...

*

ACT 3: The next morning, Yasunari is talking to you when Yuusei barges into the room unannounced. He has come to ask you to prepare the documents, and come with him next week to the business meeting in Kyoto. Hearing this, Yasunari also wants to tag along too, but Yuusei reminds him that he has talks with some new German company next week... XDD

That night after-hours, Yasunari forgot something and comes back to the office to get it. He is surprised to find you still working there by yourself. You are preparing Yuusei's documents, and the girls from the 2nd Sales Department (who are supposed to help you) have dumped all their work on you.

Yasunari low-key disses his son for not factoring in this bullying problem. He himself is well familiar with people's jealousy: when he was starting up Ichinose Corporation, he also encountered jealous people around him who did things to sabotage his work. He apologises for not taking better care of you, and promises to give 2S a stern warning tomorrow.

As with before, you try to stop him, but he explains that he needs to set a good standard for the whole company. You relent, and he helps you to finish up the remaining work, before taking you to one of his regular restaurants for supper.

At the restaurant, who do you guys run into but *Yuusei*, who has just finished meeting with a client. He eagerly joins you at the table, and Yasunari explains the situation with 2S to him. Yuusei mentions the coffee incident, and they both agree that they need to deal with the office bullying before it grows into a bigger problem.

*

ACT 4: On your Kyoto trip, the deal was concluded earlier than expected, and you have a good part of the day free. Since it's your first time in the city, Yuusei suggests to go sight-seeing with you.

You want to visit the music-box museum in Arashiyama, and Yuusei reminisces that when he was a child, his late mother used to have a music box with a dancing ballerina inside. Yasunari kept it away after her death, never to be seen again.

The museum turns out to have giant jukebox and furniture-like music boxes of all kinds, which surprises Yuusei. As you are leaving, you feel a bit lightheaded and almost fall over. Yuusei apologises for overworking you, thanks to the huge load of clients and projects lately. He also asks if you've been in touch with Minato, who is currently giving him and Dad the cold shoulder, because he's resentful that they snatched you away from him lulz.

Then, Yuusei asks if you have made up your mind about Minato, and... confesses his own feelings for you X3. Because you are very much the 'strong, silent type', he feels an urge to protect you and soothe your troubles. It's the first time he has ever felt that way about a girl, since he has been so wrapped up in his work that he hasn't had time for a personal life. But now that he has met you, Ichinose Corporation can go to hell!!!! He will not surrender you to Minato or anyone else.

He suddenly embraces you, and you get embarrassed because you are still out in public. Just then your stomach comes to your rescue and lets out a growl of hunger, causing him to laugh and let go of you. As you go for lunch, he kisses you on the cheek, and tells you not to care about people watching and to look at him *only*. ~~~(*´∀`*)ｷｭﾝ!~~~~

...At the Japanese restaurant, you again run into... Yasunari! (Are you seeing a pattern here??) Turns out he was the one who introduced this place to Yuusei, so he had an idea Yuusei would take you there. Yuusei asks him if he so enjoys foiling his son's romantic dates, and he replies 'of course!' XDDD. And as you sit down to eat, you pour sake for Yasunari first, making Yuusei envious, and he asks you to pour his cup too. Lol @ the competitiveness, I can't. (ﾟｰﾟ)ニヤニヤ

*

ACT 5: It's a three-day weekend!! Yasunari drops by for a surprise visit nice and early in the morning, and he remarks that seeing you in your casual clothes is giving him evil thoughts... XDDDD He drags you into his car, keeping the destination a secret...

... Turns out, he wants to spend the extended break with you in his holiday home in Karuizawa. Except!!! Yuusei is there upon your arrival. *By concidence*, he overheard his father phoning the mansion's butler during the week, and thus decided to invite himself along lolol.

Yuusei suggests that there is horseback-riding and tennis here, depending on your interests. But first, you need to change out of your lounge-pants and put on some makeup because you left in a hurry lol. A fancy lunch awaits, and afterwards Yuusei volunteers to show you around a flower garden nearby.

Yasunari explains that this mansion is special to him, as his late wife used to love coming here. Before her death, she asked him to take his 'special someone' here in the future, too. You are surprised by his words, at which point... #CONFESSIONTIME. He tells you that you are the first to take his heart after his late wife, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He will wait until your return to Tokyo for your reply.

As he plants a kiss on your lips, you blush, and he's all like: 'Damn grrrl u acting all coy when u obvsly want me is making me want u moar.' *Somebody* sure has a high opinion of himself for an ossan. XDDD

ACT 6: After lunch, Yuusei takes you for a *long* walk nearby. He apologises for his father suddenly kidnapping you here #lolol, and reaffirms his feelings for you. In the beginning, he only wanted to trick you into falling in love with him so that you would reject Minato, but after getting to know you, he has fallen for you instead, and now he couldn't give two fucks about the company as long as he can have you.

He asks how you feel about him, and who of the three you will choose: him, Yasunari, or Minato. You reply that you can't answer straight-away, and he plants an understanding kiss (for luck!!) on you and promises to wait.

The disc ends with all three of you back from the trip. Yasunari and Yuusei both make one last bid for your heart before your final decision: 「君を愛している。どうか、私と一緒にずっといてほしい。」

*

(In the cast commentary, the two seiyuu speculate about who you chose. Sakurai Takahiro says you probably chose Minato, and Horiuchi Kenyuu is all like: 'Who is Minato??' LOLOL _(X3」∠)_ #getouttathereossan~~~)

[uhhailey]

Things I’ve Heard High Schoolers Say

I graduated!!! So have the list of things I’ve overheard at school!

~

- "I stopped using anal beads... (muffled conversation)"

- "Why would you even kill a prostitute in the first place?"

- One bro to his bro friend "dude stop sucking dicks"

- "What did we do in math?" "Smoke weed."

- "He doesn't eat paper anymore it doesn't taste good."

- "You look like a lesbian." "What does a lesbian look like?" "You."

- "You look like an old math teacher."

- "Have you ever sent noodles?"

- "Thanks mom."

- "Do you like tacos or hotdogs?"

- "Do you think i'd memorize it if I ate the paper?"

- "What's up my dick-sucking whore?" *sucking noise*

- "Forgive me heavenly father, for I have sinned." "Why?" "I wrote 1,555 words of smut last night." "Oh."

- "He eats his poop!"

- "Fidget and chill"

- "Oh I thought that was a duck but it was really a rock."

- "You can always shower but you can't shower when you're dead."

- "I thought it was a chicken but it was just a fire hydrant."

- "Don't touch me I don't want your diseases."

- "Is that arm dead? No it's alive."

- "Just want to make sure, tacos and burritos are already in Spanish right?"

- "People are like sandwiches." “Elaborate?” “No.”

- "All I drink is nuts."

- *in Snape's voice* "Comó te llamas, Potter?"

- "I don't trust anyone who kicks bread."

- "Remind me to kill myself in ten minutes."

- "Wait, are Italian people white?!" "Yes." "Oh."

- "Don't call me bro I'm not your brother."

- "I love the Nintendo Gods™"

- "You look so good - eat my ass"

- Listening to the "Be More Chill" soundtrack: "I hate country music"

- "You're gonna become a professional guitar? Let me know how that goes."

- "It looks like Saturday today!"

- "Hey there, malignant tumor."

- *the bell is ringing* “Is the bell ringing?”

- *gives a penny i found to my friend” “Thanks, now I can finally buy my yacht.”

- “You guys know how to make cake? I once boiled an egg and it exploded.”

- “What does the V stand for” “Vasectomy.”

- “The clitoris is not located on the leg.”

- “What’s up bro?” “Not my grades”

- “He has a butt. I ate the butt.”

- “I went to an ocean once.”

- “Can I borrow your eyes for a second?”

- “Mine hasn’t eaten a cat yet.”

- “I will slap you with a taco.”

- “It’s report card night today!” “Who is Japartard?”

- “So I was eating mini oreos in the bathtub...”

- “I finally figured out how to do that Poptropica mission thing.”

- “Do blind people use echolocation?”

- “THANOS DEMANDS YOUR FUCKING SILENCE!”

- “Thanos can suck my ass.”

- “King-Fucking-Julien making an appearance on Instagram! Ugh, daddy.”

- “In the Bee Movie, did the lady fall in love with the bee?” “Yeah, that’s the whole premise of the movie.”

- “What if there was an inverse sandwich? Like... the bread is on the inside and the ham is on the outside?”

- “Elon Musk is my dad.”

- “Is anyone Catholic in here?” “No I’m Chinese.”

- “There’s a baby over there!” (multiple gasps of excitement) “With the lady pushing the baby cart!”

- “Whale sharks are thicc.”

- “The luxurious key of B flat”

- “This is my son, Stove.”

- “My blueberry ran away.”

- “People in the LGBT community we’re generally associated with Communists.” “Well, guess I’m a Communist.”

- “Spoons are just bowls on sticks.” “Holy shit.”

- “Abe Lincoln or Babe Lincoln?”

- “Tomorrow is Meme Day so if you don’t dress up you’ll fail all your classes.”

- “If you made a documentary about dogs would you call it a dogumentary?”

- “I smell bullshit.” “I smell ass.”

- “How do you break an avocado??”

- “Look at this nice twig.” “That’s a nice-ass twig.”

- A magician pulled out 3 cups. My friend immediately said: “Shots!”

- “Never have I ever bullied someone.” “Does myself count?”

- “We were dissecting cats and the teacher literally started playing that ASPCA commercial.”

- *Puts a pillbug upright* “That’s my act of kindness for the day I’m done”

- “No shut up I’m not going vegan for you”

- “It’s gonna let all liquidy bro!”

- “Vegans say nuts have protein to make themselves feel good.”

- “Do you remember the vine where the guy throws the tater tot at the guy’s butthole?”

- “One of my tastebuds is falling off.”

- “My blood pressure could not be any higher.”

- “Who the fuck takes a bite out of an onion?”

- “Be a detective so you can win the detective competition.”

- “Why does this store sell so many weapons?” “These are Harry Potter wands.”

- “I dropped my wallet on the floor of the Disney store and it was covered in glitter when I picked it up.”

- “They’re in between middle-aged and old.”

- “You see the sign that says yeet? Yeah, right above that”

- “Danger! Danger! Nick Jonas!”

- *while driving* “This guy is so close to me right now and if I suddenly stop he’s going right up my butt and I don’t think we’ve reached that level of a relationship yet.”

- “Is Caillou asian?”

- “That bird is Jesus.”

- “I peed on his neck.”

- “Boba Fett is gay, there is canonical proof.”

- “Dua Loopa ‘round this dick”

- “Horses have the fattest quads”

- “What’s America’s penis?”

- “You should have a superpower where you can place trash cans wherever you want. You’d be called White Trash!!”

- “Jesus, that car just farted!!”

- “What’s the purpose of eyebrows?”

- “What are you good at?” “Breathing. Wait, just kidding, I have asthma”

- “I will strip for you”

- “Oh, so you’re from one of those square states, huh?”

- “This weather makes me want to kill myself” “All weather makes me want to kill myself”

- “Ants can’t get to the second floor! Ants don’t know how to use stairs!”

- “Yo bro you have ADHD?” “Yeah bro join the club” “Where can I sign up?” “It’s not an actual club dumbass.”

A bunch of 5th graders are outside the window:

- “[Teacher’s Name] you’ll scare them. Show them a math problem” “They look so happy and full of life. I wonder what that’s like.”

- “Do you follow wherever your dick goes?” “It’s not a compass!!!”

- “California is not furry central!!”

- “I’m afraid of those.” “Whisks?” “No, tongue rings.”

- “Hail is just mean snow.”

- “I think it’s Mardi Gras.” “I’ve never heard of that. Is it a white holiday?”

- “This school is on AIDS.” “I don’t think you can be on AIDS.”

- “Do they have any animals in Europe?”

- “Do any of you want to donate blood?” “I don’t want anybody to have my blood. I worked hard for it!”

- *angrily* “You’ve played patty cake every day for the last week for 20 minutes!!”

- “Big boobs aren’t the only thing that is good, all things are good.”

- “You got herps?”

- “I’m so done with high school.” “Why?” “Some guy right in front of me just threw up!!”

- “They’re taking my teeth!!!!”

- “Oh, it’s egg!”

- *guy opens a tampon* “It’s a popsicle!!!”

- “I’m so good at this game. No matter how hard I try I can never fai- oop never mind I failed.”

- “Okay so, Yee.”

- “I need to put a sticker on my camera for, like, hackers, but I’m lonely”

- *at a trampoline* “Wait omg!! I’m going to lay face down and you can jump so I can fly into the air!!!” “Yeah!!! That’ll be fun!!!” .. “shit my nose is bleeding”

- “I’m going to try to avoid contracting tapeworm in the Denny’s parking lot”

- “Does size matter in hand modeling?”

[feijoaaas]

okay i’m probably entirely too exhausted to be writing this rn and even more exhausted for the possible barrage of replies this is gonna get but whatever

my dash has been made aware of the air time of people with private jets and even though there’s ten listed people in the article nobody is mentioning anyone but taylor, and then the memes started as well

and i have not seen one post with critical thinking, i’ve only seen posts where taylor is called literally evil. as if? she jumped into her private jet with the knowledge of how much it pollutes and she went “heheh i’m gonna pollute so much right now more than anyone else but who cares, taking the car takes too long hehehe i’m so evil” ??? like really is this what you think happened?

and no i’m not defending private jet usage but it is seriously gross that she is receiving the blunt end of this. is it because she actually has an account on here, like y’all hope that if you make enough angry posts about it you’ll guilt trip her (in frankly a pretty gross way because like, we all know she uses tumblr but yet nobody had the guts to actually tag her in a post and write in a well mannered way, it’s like hearing the mean kids talk about you in school while you’re just on the other side of the door) into stopping?

and while we’re on the subject of flying, which we know pollutes terribly, why is one woman being singled out when there’s roughly 20 million flights a year worldwide which equals some 50,000 flights per day! and your average flight takes some 200 passengers at least.

that means there’s 10 million people in the air every day. you think all those people have valid reasons to be flying somewhere? aren’t most of all air travels for leisure? and those that are for business have already been proven by covid to be unnecessary for the most part since companies can do video meetings from different cities and there’s no need for a business suit to fly halfway cross a country just to sit in a meeting for a couple hours

why is taylor being the only person singled out??? where was all this rage when bezos, musk and branson competed against each other to be the first of them in space, and them building space ships for “space tourism” because rich people have too much money and they’ve run out of things to do on this planet

where was all this rage when the U.N. told elon musk how he could end world hunger with a 6 billion dollar donation, and he ghosted them? but then he made a 44 billion DOLLARS bid to buy twitter (and for no good reason? like because he was sick of the memes or as distraction from the news of how he and his co-worker were about to have a kid, just weeks apart from when his kids with grimes were due??) and yet nobody boycotted twitter or elon or tesla and amazon is still doing well financially even though we’ve known for ages it is garbage

like i just wanna know if you’re as quick to judge your friends and family who take the plane to go on vacations here and there and everywhere, or your friends who still shop from amazon or watch amazon prime or have just loaded up a new subscription to watch rings of power, or quick to judge your friends who immediately watch the new marvel content and movies even though disney has too much money and too much power and are obliterating independent studios

are you boycotting coca cola and pepsi and nestle and are you buying fair trade and are you buying your clothes second hand or making them yourself because the clothing industry is the biggest polluter of them all ? are ya?

this cancel culture quick to blame not a second for critical thought is really fucking tiresome

are private jets excessive and dumb? yeah.

is saying taylor swift is literally evil, very black and white and dumb? imo yeah. there’s plenty of far richer people out there making far worse pollution footprints. does that excuse her. no. but is she single-handedly destroying the planet as the article made it sound? doubtful.

oh and hey look, something that wasn’t in the article when it was making the rounds a couple days ago:

if i had money to bet, i would’ve bet that this wouldn’t be making half as big an impact on here if it were some random rich guy we’ve never heard of who was in the top 1 spot.

and that’s why i made this post.