#like - for me - probably like a 4/10 pain level

[softness-and-shattering]

Its normal to need rest after a big day ITS NORMAL TO NEED REST AFTER A BIG DAY

[ursanic]

.

[uwooyoungs]

got my conch pierced after like a year of procrastinating 💞🤩

[ladyloveroll]

(These are my ACTUAL notes from my friends birthday party full of people who absolutely did not know who the fuck Itachi and Kisame were or how pairing names work or what a ship is.)

Writing kisaita (on and off) for 15 years

Never get tired of the ship

Excellent, friendly people in the fandom to keep making content (Cynni)

Presentation is less about the specific ship and more about the general qualities that make their ship S-tier. You may find this echoed in your own OTP, IDK.

Powerful, badass characters who can kick anyones asses no problem, as depicted where they are casually taking a stroll after Kisame (who still has his little fo-hawk) casually takes down the four-tails

Kisame is noted as the ‘tail-less jinchuuriki’

Itachi is clearly a fucking powerhouse, we don’t need to debate that

Working with strong characters means you are more easily able to portray their weakness and explore that side of them since that rarely gets screentime

Auxiliary, not main characters

Main characters are harder to write because they spend a lot of screen time accomplishing their goal and doing Plot

Auxiliary characters are more malleable, and morally gray ones especially so

Depicted here are Itachi and Kisame, separately, being ordered by their villages to kill their own people. They carry this order out, but do not particularly like it. Nor are they particularly loyal to their own villages, despite carrying this order out. It’s hard to say where their loyalities lie.

The answer is WITH EACH OTHER OBVIOUSLY

Any ship that has a timeskip has LOADS of canon-verse material you can work with, especially if it feels like the characters have changed or their dynamic has changed.

For Naruto especially, WTF are Kisame and Itachi doing for three years? Clearly neither of them are out capturing jinchuriki. They aren’t seen lounging around Amegakure or Akatsuki headquarters. They are just traveling the world. Probably doing hits. Probably hitting on EACH OTHER WOOOOOO

Long time skips mean a few thing: 1) Canon divergence, 2) Canon compliant, 3) pre-time skip, 4) during time skip, 5) post time-skip; and that’s not even the AU’s

They clearly haven’t made any other friends during this time either so lots of relationship to explore

The Naruto franchise is notorious for retconning. Probably because Kishimoto (the writer) was pushed to create at a pace that was impossible for any sane or healthy man to keep up with.

Fanficition writers can take advantage of this poor writing by interpreting the character in a lot more ways than if the character was solidly written.

There are a lot of different ways Kisame is written, and accepted as so

Itachi less so but we don’t have time for that

Retconning allows you to take a writers mistake and turn it into utter brainrot that ten other people (me) will reblog every 3 years

This one is kind of specific, but if you like angst then OH BOY this ship has a lot of potential for it

Any OTP that involves an angsty edgelord and a sadistic tagalong can indulge in either EXTRA ANGST and be able to balance out the angst with humor

The KisaIta ship has 4 great themes about it:

Redemption

Acceptance

Forgiveness

And Existentialism of course

Dynamic:

Sharkboy / lava girl

Edgelord / goof

Leader / follower

Maybe old? / a touch too young

Respect for each other

S-tier OTP because of strong themes and repeatable dynamics

Kinkfest here we come

S-tier OTPs must be able to withstand an intense variety of smut writing

Powerful level = able to handle pain and dish out pain

Body things? = more positions

The Shape of Water was one of the single best thing to happen to the KisaIta 18+ fics because (even though it existed before the movie came out) a lot more readers were into it now

Also, Kisame makes this ship work more than Itachi. He is fucking DEVOTED

at this point I was running out of my 10-minutes (THEY HAD THE AUDACITY TO PUT ME ON A TIMER) so i just backfilled the rest of the presentation with fanart and memes i like

Why do I like KisaIta?

I mostly write smut

They’re great at smut

I also like angst

They’re always great for angst, either character

Also look at them they are hot AF

Beefcake service-top vs. ‘shaped like a katana’ masochist

Healthy dose of hurt-comfort

They’re extremely flexible to write and so there’s a lot of stories you can create

thank you for not reporting me to the powerpoint police

[oopsallfictives]

Having chronic pain can give you an extremely high pain tolerance while at the same time making it seem like you have a very low one, and while that might seem like a contradiction, it isn't

A person's window of tolerance has a lower limit know as the pain threshold, or the point at which they begin to feel pain. The upper limit is the point when that pain becomes unbearable. Someone with a high pain tolerance, then, is someone with a larger space between those limits

Many people with chronic pain can't accurately define our pain threshold because we're only not in pain when we're unconscious. So the best we can do is say that our window of tolerance starts at when we wake up. I haven't been below a 4/10 in years, whereas people without chronic pain enter their window of tolerance at a one. Mine also ends at around a 9/10, which is generally the level of pain I can get to before I can't hide that I'm in pain any more. Up until that point, you probably won't be able to tell that I'm in any pain at all unless I want you to

And like, this body is entirely capable of generating a nine on its own. I'd say its baseline is around a six (and that's with pain meds), so it's not uncommon for me to be going about my daily life at a seven or eight on a bad day. I can be just below the top of my window of tolerance without looking like I'm experiencing any pain at all

It's also takes almost nothing to add more pain. Having fibromyalgia means that this body often interprets sensory information as pain even when there's no reason for it to. Right now, my legs hurt where my laptop is sitting on them. My fingertips hurt every time they hit a key to type. My eyes hurt from the light, and it's not even very bright in here. So something like a lighthearted punch to the shoulder that would barely add any pain for someone else could be as painful to me as a real punch would be for them

And if someone gets lightheartedly punched on the shoulder and winces from the pain, that's gonna look like having a low pain tolerance. But if I'm already at an eight and you do that to me, I'm going to be in an amount of pain that would have the toughest of tough guys crying like a baby and all you're gonna get from me is a wince

So yeah, an absurdly high pain tolerance can look like a low one if you're not seeing 99% of the pain

[efangamez]

Hey y'all! Here is Efan's quick rundown and review of almost all the cool games I played this year, as well as my Steam in Review!

1. Darkest Dungeon

I've been playing this game for nearly ten years, and I finally beat it this year. Not a 2023 release, but a huge milestone for myself. After a terrible year before it, I made it a goal to face my fears and beat this game. Lo' and behold, I did, and it's one of my own personal gaming accomplishments. It's solidified as the best turn based game I've ever played, but it does have its late-game issues, specifically with the Crimson Court maps and the final dungeon maps. It's just absurd tbh. However, this is one of my favorite games of all time, if not my favorite, and it's a must have for horror fans, HP Lovecrft fans, and turn based game fans. 9.7/10

2. Sun Haven

A wonderful and cute farming sim that scratched an itch no other could scratch. Its characters are fun, the music is solid, the graphics are very bright and fantastical, and the combat was simple yet kinda fun. I really loved the progression in this game too. It still has its issues, such as the late game (it may have been fixed because this game was in early access) and some of the utility of the workbenches you can use. All in all, a very solid farming sim (and just life sim in general tbh) if you like a little bit of fantasy mixed in. 9/10

3. Halls of Torment

My favorite Survivor game. The music, aesthetics, progression, characters, and maps are all different enough to keep you coming back for more. As I am disabled, these games are actually super fun to play because I only have to play with one hand. It was in early access when I played it heavily, so it had some issues like the handling of inventory, some balance issues, and feature creep issues, but they may have been fixed now. 9.3/10

4. Cassette Beasts

A must-play monster battler with an amazing plot, an incredible soundtrack, interesting monsters, and great characters for the most part. If you've been really wanting a game that is reminiscent of Pokemon colleseum but also want that 2d love of the Black and White games, this is a must have. It does have some balance issues (again, early access game when I played), but other than that and maybe some performance issues that are probably fixed by now, it was an incredible game that made me want a 2d Pokemon game more than ever. 9/10

5. Roboquest

A fantastic FPS roguelike game with great gunplay, movement, art direction, and music too. Each weapon feels pretty unique, it has melee weapons (wish there were more though) and a progression system that's really cool. It plays like if Doom Eternal had a kid with Borderlands, and I think plays a bit better than any other RANGED FPS roguelike/lite that I've played. I will say the difficulty settings are really cool, but I think they are a little too enticing due to game balance as of 1.0 due to progression being a bit of a grind. I think that having different endings for each difficulty might be a cool idea, each as satisfying as the other, but I know that can be a pain to develop. 9/10

6. Mortal Sin

A beautifully dark and trippy mostly melee FPS roguelike that takes the intensity of DOOM and the melee weapons of Elderborn and drenches it in a slow-mo filled, heavy swinging fun time. It's definitely the most FUN game this year as I've been craving an FPS melee roguelike for a while. It accomplishes this and then some with pretty cool progression that adds some variety to each game. The art direction reminds me of a more purple and red MORK BORG (fellow TTRPGers rejoice) and I LOVE it. The only issues to me are that the story and lore are a bit boring and lacking, but again it's in early access, so it has time to cook. 9.5/10

7. And last, my game of the year, LUNACID by @stylishkira

What a gorgeous game all around. The music has probably the most atmosphere out of any indie game I've played outside of Darkest Dungeon. Its levelling system is accessible but fun, you can create your own character with their own name and profile picture which I think is SO cool (Mortal Sin should totally do this if it's not too much of a copy). The combat is really fun and the sound design is probably second, once again, to Darkest Dungeon. It was an absolutely magical experience playing this game, and an experience I don't think I'll ever forget. I do think, however, that the ending feels really really rushed, and that sullied my experience a little bit, and the bosses are pretty unbalanced because you can just spam all of your health potions and tank the bosses, but the experience leading up to the ending is amazing. Also, I know the true ending is purposely a little complex, but tbh, if the goal was to have the "true" endings similar to the Souls games, having the final climactic boss (which I won't spoil, but is really cool) be the core of the normal ending, paired with alternate endings WITH that really cool final boss I think, might make the experience a bit more satisfying. It's already kinda implemented, but I loved this game so much that the standard ending just kinda felt....empty. Don't let these critiques stop you from playing this game, however. It's one of my favorites of all time, and I only give these critiques because I love this game so much. This is a MUST PLAY, and for the price, it's an absolute steal and should be priced up, imo. I cannot wait to see where the direction of possible King's Field style games come, because I am THIRSTY for more! 9.6/10

Annnddddddd that's it! Some great other games I played this year were the Demon Souls remake (9.2/10) Shadow of the Colossus (9.3/10), and Bloodborne (for probably the 30th time, and that's no joke, 9.8/10), and Quake (9.8/10).

[isthe-protag-cluelesstho]

Okay, probably not a hot take, but imma scribble about it anyway,

I honestly think Cale Hetinuse/Kim Rok Soo has chronic pain/fatigue.

Like, everybody loves the whole coughing up blood/wet meow meow thing he's always doing, but personally? People who are that nonchalant about Shit Happening To Their Body, are typically people who are waaaaay too used to Fucked Up Shit Happening To Their Body,

It's just a head canon, but as someone who is chronically in pain, I absolutely do some of the stupid shit CH/KRS does, like carrying stuff I should NOT be carrying, or continuing to Do Things even when I should be sitting and resting. I also know several people who (like me) can be experiencing level 4-5 pain and not show a hint on their face/through their actions besides maaaaybe moving a bit slower/stretching more

And we know KRS has been on his own since he was itty bitty... And then he grew up in a world hell bent on killing everyone. I can't help but think that a tiny child with no one to help him with the general cuts/bruises/little hurts of childhood would 1) have zero frame of reference for what "okay" actually looks like 2) probably has never really received medical care beyond emergency assistance (which does jack for chronic conditions) and 3) has NEVER really had someone in his life long enough for them to catch his way of coping with pain (my very close friends can hear when I'm hurting/tired, everyone else only notices if I am visibly incapacitated)

So, Kim Rok Soo ends up in a world/body that "technically" hasn't experienced his life, HOWEVER fibromyalgia and PTSD are like goddamn pb&j. It's a condition that is deeply tied to a body's stress response. And what does Cale say once he has the Heart? "I feel BETTER"

And that just speaks to me of a person who is so used to pain, that it no longer really registers... I had daily headaches for 7 years, it wasn't until I moved and got a new primary that I found out that more than 4 headaches in a month was considered a concern... I got on some migraine meds and actually stopped having that daily headache, something id just accepted as "how my body works" gone,

I personally don't consider pain at a 1-2 as particularly bothersome, it's more like a general annoyance. Onces it's up to 6-7 it's hard for me to move, and yet I often will still do so, despite the pain. It's only at 9-10 so I stop moving entirely and focus on just weathering it. Usually when that happens, I sleep so much after as my body tries to recover.

And when I read Cale, so casually continuing forward, despite the work he takes on himself, after the constant planning and prepping and ass kicking, all I see is a person who has lived so long with his body's suffering that it's just background noise. Yeah, he coughed up some blood, but the pain is back to "normal" so how can he raise a fuss? He killed 3 monsters with a dislocated shoulder that one time, this? This is easy. And despite claiming his body is weak, he refuses to truly accept the help and rest he needs because (like I used to) Cale thinks "this is just how my body works"

Sometimes, I cannot remember how I lived prior to my pain. Sometimes, I cannot imagine a world where I do not spend half the night attempting to force my muscles to relax, so I can actually sleep. I cannot imagine a world where I am able to do everything I want in a day and not collapse at the end. And I see so much of myself in how Cale continues to move despite the weight of the ancient powers, the expectations of the gods and his own personal hopes. He seems like a character doomed to continue walking, his bones broken but refusing the care because whats the point if everything still hurts the same way in the end?

Anyway, Raon should invent a cure for chronic illness and force Cale into a year long sabbatical

[sistermclarens]

Did Oscar break his rib at Silverstone 2024?

Tldr: probably not but it's not impossible. The most likely place would be sliding off track in lap 19. Debatably his breathing sounds different specifically in his radios immediately after the checkered flag. If you've got more race and/or medical knowledge than me (a very low bar to clear), those are the places I'd suggest you check first to make your own judgement.

I rewatched all 3 free practices, qualifying, and the race as well as listen to his race radio to see if there were any obvious spots he might have broken a rib, but nothing really came up. Below the cut I've noted the few places where the commentators indicate that he's doing poorly and given my thoughts on what might have been causing him issues, but mostly I think these issues can be put down to the on-and-off rain across the race weekend.

To me, the 11 am time for his ultrasound (thanks to @velvetsainz for pointing out that it's an ultrasound, not an x-ray) doesn't really point to him having broken it during any time during Silverstone weekend. The race was at 3 pm BST and lasted ~2 hrs. Even with the additional time allotted for interviews and the fan stage events, the team could easily get him into an urgent care or ER that night if he needed to be checked immediately. Most of the comments on broken ribs (both here and via googling) seem to indicate that they're super painful, especially when breathing, so I'm not sure why he and the team would ignore it overnight if he was in that kind of pain. It seems more likely that he broke it sometime the morning of the ultrasound (possibly having strained/weakened it during Silverstone to make the break more likely). HOWEVER. I can't cleanly rule out that somehow he broke his rib during Silverstone weekend, was feeling only low-level pain, assumed it would go away with rest, and then Monday morning was still in enough pain (either pain not lessening or pain getting worse) to decide to get checked.

Qualifying round 2: the commentators mention that his car is "a bit twitchy" at the beginning of one of his last flying laps but there's no other indication that they see anything off. Given that it was raining at the end of Q1 (about 10 mins before the comment), it seems a lot more likely that this is because of slick tires on the wet track.

Lap 19: Oscar goes left off the track in the rain and rejoins. Lewis and George had this exact same run off ~2 secs beforehand, so it's unlikely (tho not impossible) that skidding off track here put enough force into his harness to break his rib. (Lando also has this same run off in the next lap.) Normally you're going to be pushed in the opposite direction of a turn by centrifugal force, so turning to the left should really put harness strain on the right side of his ribs. But if the car started hydroplaning at some point in the turn then in theory he could have been jolted to the left at this point. The camera shot is not really close enough for me to tell if I think he really would have been jolted left OR right tho since he kind of ends up cutting the turn into more of a diagonal by going off onto the runoff asphalt. His race engineer doesn't even mention the fact that he went off track in over the radio despite them having a long back and forth this lap about where the track is wettest so it doesn't seem like anyone on pit wall was particularly worried by his skid. File this under unlikely but not impossible I guess.

Lap 29: Oscar slip&slides all over the track and into the pit lane, but again I think this is down to driving on slick tires in the rain. His race engineer warns him over the radio that his front tires are overheating, which I think also helps account for why he loses so much time in this lap. Once he pits for inters he's fine again despite having lost 4 positions.

Lap 52: In his post-flag radio, Oscar does sound maybe out of breath compared to other radios of his I've listened to--he's kind of taking heavy deep breaths in between speaking. But it's such a minor noise that I can't even be sure I'm not imagining it or that it's not part of the car noises 😂 it's not something I heard at any earlier part of his radio so if it is his breathing I'd guess it's just part of the adrenaline comedown post-race.

[daidi-dragan-glas]

Just a quick update.... Oncologist has confirmed that I'm one of the most stubborn people she's ever run across.... Almost 2 weeks ago I had my 41st infusion of FOLFIRINOX (chemo cocktail for stage 4 colon cancer with Mets to liver, lungs and lymph nodes)... I'm told that most people have to stop taking it at infusion number 12 or 15, and the most she(my oncologist) has ever had a patient handle was 38.. until me. I've NOT allowed them to reduce my chemo for "their" fear of MY side effects ... Hell, half the questions from them are "is this side effects getting worse?" Whether it's nausea, neuropathy, energy, bloodwork levels, etc, and always seemingly with an eye towards "we should cut back on this drug so you FEEL better... FUUUUUUCK THAT! I want this fucking cancer GONE... Not just reduced and I feel great until it kills me... I'll HAPPILY go thru the neuropathy that makes it hard to think, hard to work, hard to even type on a keyboard or work with a mouse, yes, that's coming from an IT person, I'll HAPPILY feel unsteady, feel like shit all day, up 5 to 10 times a night to run to the bathroom, and half of those times to actually have to clean up grrrrrrrrrrrrr, I'll happily take the vitamins, the injections, the pain pills and patches, the sore burning ass, the weakness and the frustration of it all, AS LONG AS I'M DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT. And that means DO. NOT. DECREASE. MY. CHEMO. SO. THAT. I. FEEL. BETTER. TODAY. AND. TOMORROW..... YOU KILL THOSE GODDAMN CANCER CELLS, I got it, I can deal with the rest, I'm my own Huckleberry!!!

It's not as effective anymore though.. and the Mets in my liver are growing fairly quickly in some concerning spots...

I pushed my oncologist for alternatives.. even 2nd or 3rd opinions and experimental treatment... And she wrote a letter to the Mayo Clinic. I'm told the Mayo will not even consider giving an appointment unless they feel there is something they can do for you that is better than what you're getting. I had a phone interview, they got all my records, had a care team review my case in detail and a week and a half later, they called to set up an appointment.

I'll be doing some packing today (Sunday July 14) to leave Monday morning and be in Rochester MN at the Mayo Clinic facilities for appointments there on Monday, I'll stay overnight (quite probably in my car since things are fairly tight lately) and more appointments on Tuesday.

So, we will see what they say and what kind of treatment plan they come up with.

(yes, things are tight... Cancer treatment is NOT cheap y'all. Each and every one of my infusions gets billed to the tune of $42,000 per... Not including the testing, the Dr appointments, the hospital visits, the drugs to combat the side effects, the drugs given in combination with the chemo to combat the "essentially" allergic reactions to the chemo... {Yes, I had to ring the bell beside my chair once and had every nurse in the facility converge on me and work to reverse what was going on}... So, so far, me and my insurance company have been billed somewhere upwards of 2.2 million dollars since November of 2022. My insurance happens to be pretty good, so my portion is somewhere around half a million at this point, and as stubborn as I am, when they ask for payments, I stick to my guns and pay an affordable amount each month, to show that yes I'm making payments, and fuck you if you want more. I'm lucky!)

I would like to add... IF you are in a position to be charitable, please do one of the following:

go to one of your local oncology clinics, ASK them what their patients might need (I know there are many of you that found fulfillment in making masks during COVID, put that same effort into making hats for patients losing their hair, donate button down or zip down Henley style shirts (most of us have a port installed in the upper right side of our chest and easy access to that for blood draws, infusion and other treatments without having to fully remove your shirt is NICE), donate homemade afghans or blankets

And if you're really squirrelly, pick a local patient and befriend them, take them to appointments, make sure the snow is cleared from their driveway (chemo takes your strength and endurance away and it makes it HARD sometimes to do the simple things around the house). Rake the leaves, mow the grass, vacuum, Help them out with whatever they need (MORE THAN JUST ONCE). find out what they CAN eat and take it to them several times a week, you cannot imagine just how much that one small thing you do for them can make a HUGE difference in their actual survival!!!

Find an organization close to you that you can donate money towards local cancer patients medical bills.

Sorry, turned out to be not so short of an update and there's some rant in here too, sorry not sorry.. lmao!

but I'm sure hoping for the Mayo to pull something phenomenal out of their hat... I don't even care if it ruins my health or quality of life for awhile, I don't care about short term, I can deal with the shit of it, but I DO care about sticking around until people can honestly say... "Thank GOD that fucker is finally dead, let's PARTY!" Yes I still plan to live until I'm a total pain in the ass for even those few that love me, and then when I've died at 103 yrs old, they can spread my ashes on the Appalachian Trail across TN NC and VA and if they wish to visit they can go into the mountains and woods and I'll come to them as the breeze and whisper of the beauty of nature to them

[facewithoutheart]

Ten Questions for Writers

Thanks for the tags @shrekgogurt, @artsyunderstudy, @youarenevertooold, & @roomwithanopenfire I’m enjoying all this navel-gazing a whole bunch actually & I’ve done this before but it’s been awhile… sooo

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 169 (niiiice)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? ~950k (yikes) although some of that is Birthday Man and collabs with people from WIP fest. Don’t ask me to do the math tho; that’s mean.

3. What fandoms do you write for? I’ve written for HP, Check Please, and RWRB although right now I’m mostly a CO writer with a toe dipping into 9-1-1. I have one Captain America fic posted and some WIPs I don’t know if I’ll finish. Nobody look at that AFTG fic; it’s pure crack.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Whoo boy do I have thoughts here. I want to be the kind of writer who replies to comments and I harbor so much guilt that I’m not; I know I miss out on opportunities to connect with readers, and I genuinely appreciate comments so much; I hoard them in my inbox like a greedy lil affirmation dragon. I write to engage and connect. So, like, I know I should but at the same time I hate forcing interactions. I like them to spawn organically. I keep my circle small because I get really emotionally overwhelmed and then I feel guilty when I can’t give people what they deserve. And I’ve also never been comfortable with compliments or gratitude, I don’t trust them. So here’s a bulk of emotional trauma no one asked for to say: I don’t reply to comments as often as I feel I should and I’m trying to release the guilt I feel about this while also recognizing that not commenting probably has a direct negative affect on my ability to meet my goal of connecting through writing and at the same time my mental health probably couldn’t withstand the pressure I would need to place on it to get to where I’m replying to comments regularly. Hi I’m a mess who’s trying to love herself and often falls short of that goal; aren’t we all?

5. Have you ever had a fic stolen? No.

6. Have you ever co-written a fic before? So many actually! I didn’t think I’d ever get to a place where I trust someone else to the level this would take but I’ve been really lucky to work with some amazing writers even if not all of those works went anywhere. I actually don’t even think I could realistically tag all the people I’ve collabed with bc I’m afraid I’ll miss someone and isn’t that amazing? Personal growth; we love to see her.

7. What’s your all-time favorite ship? Oh man. I want to just be lame and say it’s me and Mr. Face 🤣 I shipped us when no one else did. Um! Snowbaz is always going to have a special place in my heart, but I’m really leaning into Buddie right now because of age and wanting to explore people in their 30’s still figuring out their lives while battling PTSD and late-in-life sexuality realizations. For, um. Reasons.

8. What are your writing strengths? I do like my dialogue a lot; dialogue is often where I start my scenes and I develop from there. I think I’ve done a good job of honing my ability to vary action/dialogue/internality a lot. I also think I keep people engaged or maybe I just keep myself engaged which is good enough for me. Sometimes I’m funny although sadly not as much recently.

9. What are your writing weaknesses? I struggle with remembering to add in physical descriptors. (Like oh shit have I ever mentioned this character has eyes?) Logistics are a frequent source of pain. (Wait, where were their hands?) I think my plots are kind of basic and boring; I don’t come up with really vivid and detailed concepts. I use the wrong words for things. I really hate detailing out backstory. I have to reread my fics a million times to maintain character consistency. Etc.

10. First fandom you wrote for? Hey Arnold. I wish I could find those fics; I bet they suck.

Tagging 10 peeps @sillyunicorn @mostlymaudlin @martsonmars @bookish-bogwitch @cutestkilla @ivelovedhimthroughworse @thewholelemon @palimpsessed @aristocratic-otter & @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

[szampers]

Today while walking in a group, someone approached and tried to make casual conversation with me, probably to have some company to beat the boredom of walking I suppose. Or it was just some small loneliness. Exchanged a few words, it pretty much ended as soon as it had started. There are reasons:

1. I physically could not bring myself to be interested in the subject, not even able to feign superficial interest

2. I am too often indulged in my own thoughts and I'm more than happy to remain there.

3. I struggle to verbalize my thoughts. Even if I happen to be interested, in that case I'd then feel the awful pain of being unable to express myself. That's the situational mutism (prefer this term over selective mutism)

4. I lack a will to talk. Having a spontaneous tendency to make conversation doesn't come to me. At all.

5. Tha hell do I have to say to you

5. The nerves act up a little

These are the main reasons behind my apparent eternal vow of silence! They likely take precedence over one another depending on the situation (and my mood). Moving on.

Even though the entire exhange only lasted 10 seconds or so, it derailed whatever thought proces I had and weighed on my mind for arguably far too long. I thought about how people could simply initiate conversations with each other and keep it afloat, as if it comes to them naturally. To them it probably does, much like how my natural state is to keep to myself unless I have No Other Options. While I struggle to imagine myself freely initiating, seeking and holding conversations, they might struggle to fathom why I've sworn my vow of silence.

An ability to express myself decently and a superficial interest would've helped out much back then. I feel if only I had these two skills, just these two, life would be so much easier. New set of skills do come with a new set of problems, but I imagine they're "lighter" to deal with. It's exhausting to ruminate on one thing constantly: Why. Can I not act like most people do, and how it is severely detrimental if I ever hope to integrate into society. At the very least I should be able to be sociable on a functional level. The bare minimum is good enough for me, as long as it's enough for me to get by without much grievances in life. Unfortunately I only barely reach even this level. Now this is another thing I think myself into oblivion about. Goes in line with the situational mutism.

I'm not obligated to owe anyone conversation, but it really does feel like I've failed a basic task. I doubt faking interest and indulging them would've made me feel much better than shutting it off quickly, but at least I wouldn't be ruminating the crap out of it. They say change comes depending on how much you want to change, and that's seemingly the only solid thing I'm holding onto which keeps me somewhat hopeful.

[stupidbookworm]

On coming to terms with my aromanticism

I remember the first time I saw the word asexual outside of science class. (Funnily enough, it was a Tumblr post screenshot reposted on insta) I didn't know much at the time about anything, but reading those few lines about what asexuality was felt like homecoming. It just clicked.

That's me, I'm not alone!

(Still took me a good 4-5 years before I completely, unashamedly accepted it. Thanks allonormativity --)

For some reason, aromanticism was much harder to come to terms with. I didn't want to think about it, didn't want to entertain the possibility—probably because I already knew on some level.

Asexuality was a warm embrace after a long night out.

Aromanticism was a plunge in freezing water. It was (is) terrifying.

My guess is this has to do with how society encourages and rewards innocent romantic relationships. Growing up, I never thought about sex being a defining part of a romantic relationship, and it's not like adults were going to spell it out to kid me either.

But romantic attraction has always been the main attraction. I was 4 in kindergarten and already the idea of finding a romantic partner was ingrained in my head. I was 10 in elementary seeing others fuss over their crush and how much they wanted a significant other. I was 14 in secondary school barely able to think of myself as asexual without feeling like I'd failed the human experience. I was 19 realizing a close friend wanted more yet I couldn't imagine myself reciprocating, no matter the person on the other side.

I am 20, scared senseless of my lack of romantic attraction.

I am 20, learning to live in a world molded into a heart shape.

Still, I catch myself thinking maybe I'll meet someone who'll change my mind. It's just too early, right?

What a painful thought, when I know it won't change anything. I'd take a best friend over a lover any day. Platonic over romantic love is an evidence, yet I can't help myself feeling like an incomplete puzzle.

It will take me some time still before I will wholly feel okay in my own skin. But the warmth and acceptance found in the aroace community will never fail to remind me I'm not alone.

Happy Aro week, hope everyone gets to enjoy their favourite chocolate.

[lqtraintracks]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you @maesterchill @danpuff-ao3 and @nv-md for the tag! <333

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

314

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,295,054

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Harry Potter is the big one. I've also written some Captive Prince, Locked Tomb, and one Call Me By Your Name fic

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Right Hand Red; Hung Like a Horntail; Slip Into My Lover's Hands; Weeds or Wildflowers (written with the very talented @unmistakablyoatmeal); and check this hand 'cause I'm marvelous

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try. I'm seriously behind. The truth is, I'll never get around to replying to them all. I will someday die with a thousand unanswered comments. But I do try. And I read each and every one and they touch my heart. I'm so very grateful for all the wonderful comments I've received and continue to receive!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oof. I hardly ever end things badly. But there was one wee ficlet; lemme go hunt it down. (*plays elevator music*) Ah, here it is: Not-Forever Is Still Forever. It's not MCD or anything. Draco just leaves for Argentina for two years. *shrug emoji* But I like to think I've gotten pretty good at baking some realistic angst into the middle of things, if not writing angty endings. I prefer it that way.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

All of them except for Burning the Ground, which is an open ending. I'll be honest, I don't like the word fluff. I'm never trying to write fluff, which, to me, denotes a level of uncomplicated sweetness. Maybe others define it differently. But I don't think happy endings are necessarily fluffy. I want my happy endings to put tears in your eyes, to move you. I want to evoke different things with different sorts of happiness for different phases of life. RHR's ending is about a feeling of freedom mostly, of getting to face the next part of their lives without dread. Take You Home has a similar vibe but with them a bit older; they've experienced the painful and mundane disappointments you have to weather in this life that have nothing to do with fighting a dark wizard and everything to do with existential questions about who we are, how we go on, what do you do when it doesn't work out, when you've changed and you don't know who you are anymore. I loved ending it with all their friends, at a march for trans rights. Heart Like Neon has an ending that makes *me* the most happy. I modeled it after an episode of Grey's Anatomy where you find out at the end of the ep that two important characters got married. The whole ep, none of their friends know, then at the end they play 'Bones' by Josh Record, and you go back in time by a few weeks and you see it. When I wrote the end of HLN, I had that song playing in my head from the end of the party at the Weasley's, to jumping three months earlier, to Harry and Draco in Paris. That's a pretty goddamned happy ending. It makes me cry. <3 (Also the art that @bluebutter-art made for it makes me bawl happy tears!!!)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I was going to say hardly ever but then I *just* got some last week! LOL. Still, I'm very lucky that it's not even once in a blue moon. That stuff is so arbitrary too. I'm going to quote my good friend @elrhiarhodan: People... they're fuckin nuts. :D

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

LOL yes. A lot of different kinds? I want to try a little of everything as a writer.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

No. I mean, I probably have a couple times over the course of my literal decades in some fandom or other, but they're not worth noting.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, several, and into multiple languages. I think that's so cool!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Definitely! In HP I've written with sdk, @the-starryknight and @nv-md, plus I once did a wild round robin with a big group of people. I'm not good at round robins, I've realized. Too much of a control freak.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Drarry, totally. But right up there is Harry/Teddy and Harry/Teddy/Draco. Then Ginny/Pansy, Charlie/Teddy, James Sirius/Albus Severus (with Teddy too sometimes). In CaPri, I love Damen/Laurent, but @linecrosser had totally made me ship when Damen lends Laurent out to Nikandros for a threesome and also Auguste/Laurent. I also hardcore ship my own original characters from my novel. <3

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't do WiPs really.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Oof, this is tough. Pacing? Interpersonal relationships? Smut, for sure. LOL. I think I do well writing things that are transgressive or maybe even filthy with a lot of tenderness and compassion and deep, deep love mixed in. And I think I'm getting really good at making people cry when I want them to. Readers, that is. :D

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Convoluted plots. Can't do them. I wish I could. I can't write a mystery to save my life. I'm also pretty bad at heavy angst. I also wish I could write something nonlinear, but my brain just doesn't work that way.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

It's interesting that this is a question because it's meaningful to me not because of fic but because of my novel. I have a Spanish-speaking character, fluent in English, but sometimes he says things in Spanish. I'm very VERY lucky that @capiturecs read my novel both as a sensitivity reader for Latinx/Latine/Latino aspects but also to correct my Spanish and make it realistic and conversational! I'll be forever grateful! I also now really REALLY want to learn Spanish! <3

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Sorry, I don't share this publicly.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Oh this is mean. This is cruel. I can't possibly answer this! RHR has got to be in there. Heart Like Neon. Blood and Fire. Phoenix in the Fire. Take You Home. Wonderful Electric (cover me in you). A Pain of Our Choosing. My Name in Your Mouth. Bloom. collarbones like a bow, skin an arrow to the heart. I'll stop there!

Okay, this was fun! I'll tag @corvuscrowned @ruinsplume @floydig @sweet-s0rr0w @lettersbyelise @magpiefngrl @skeptiquewrites and Elr! <3

[unladyboss]

JUST CARMY

I'm always so confused about Carmy's behavior. Like the more I try to figure it out, the more confused I get. It's like what Ebra said about Mikey, he got confused by his behaviors. So I thought about it and realized that maybe I was confused because I'm SUPPOSED TO BE CONFUSED.

Because you can't reason out the behavior of an addict. I really think now that Carmy is a high functioning alcoholic. When I figured that out, my heart dropped and I looked at all scenes with different eyes. Hear me out. High functioning alcoholics are difficult to spot. They can maintain near normal appearance for job, family, friends etc, but it eventually catches up

1. The alcohol in the office . It's there always. Check the green bottles

2. Alcohol just at different levels

3. Carmy's mom is an alcoholic. It's rare for none of the kids not to be alcoholic. Mikey was a drug addict.

4. Maybe the reason Syd's dad hasn't met him yet is because he'd get outed. Syd's dad doesn't drink, possibly because he used to drink too much.

5. If Syd's dad used to drink too much it would explain, some of her attraction to Carmy. That codependent thing that occurs in families of addicts

6. Claire. I'm sorry I was mean about Claire but she was a big big clue. That's why Claire was brought in.

When she said she remembers Carmy and he gave her the wrong number, its possible that the past him also drank too much. I'm not too sure

However, she manages sad drunk people. Even though he doesn't drink in front of her and drinks pop. The clues were in front of us. Red cup party.

The insistence of Claire to track him down. Possibly a tool to help him see that he needs help. She manages him the whole time.

7. The anxiety

8. The ibuprofen for headaches

9. The insomnia

10. Everything in his life is pointing toward him needing help

11. He's going to Al-Anon meetings. We think it's just about Mikey but then the look of the meeting changes and he says it's three times a week so Al Anon may have switched to real alcoholics anonymous meetings

12. Mikey not wanting him to work at the bear, might be him knowing that Carmy would probably fall into worse things... Maybe he saw Carmy's own addiction and kicked him out

13. The tattoo. He knows alcohol is bad and can kill, not just because of his mom, but because he's doing it.

14. The mood swings. Screaming at people, anger, one minute mad, the next minute calm

15. All the Al Anon pamphlets he was reading. That wasn't just about Mikey. It was for him

16. Brain issues - wet brain. 'is that sound in my head?' When the alarm goes off. Cicero asks if it's not driving him crazy. He said he's used to it.

Is my hair on fire? He asked Syd

17. The fidgeting fingers. Withdrawal. Need a drink to stabilize

18. The disappearing, like into the fridge. Remember one time the Pepto was in there? The drink could be too if it's not in the office any more

Pepto usually near to the alcohol . Disappearing from the Bear. Just bailing on things in general.

19. The delusions seeing his old boss at friends and family and being inconsolable.

29. Panic attack.

The whole sydcarmy thing could be and probably IS happening simultaneously along with the high functioning alcoholism.

But this is mad serious.

30.I think they put JOSH in that last episode to show just how high functioning an addict could be, but that eventually the addiction will ruin things

31. Big hints at Claire's party

32. The chest pain, heart beating fast

This is so serious.

I don't think I'm wrong

We said the show runners were playing in our faces. I thought they meant just about Syd. It was probably them trying to show us THIS, but we were too distracted by SYDCARMY.

When I figured this out, I couldn't watch the sydcarmy interaction the same way any more.

This whole time he's probably been going through bouts of withdrawal and symptoms of that, along with relapsing.

I feel sick.

I HOPE I'm wrong, but I don't think so at all.

You guys. Talk me out of this. I need reassuring words right now.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

I have also realized that last time I was having bone pain and seemed to be dealing with high blood calcium, taking magnesium really helped. It would also lower my blood pressure [one main risk for kidney damage when they slow down is your blood pressure getting too high]. So long as I don't over-do it, starting to take some magnesium again will help with both blood pressure and with getting extra calcium and phosphorus out of my blood so it stops fucking with my bones, and will help prevent me from developing cardiac spasms this time.

All of this really was way worse 5 years ago, and I recovered. I recovered while not even realizing I should be avoiding phosphorus or sugar... And eating mostly oreos and pork to avoid letting my blood calcium spike [because it was causing heart attacks, see I am not even having daily heart attacks! I wish that was a joke].

And I think the only reason why the problem came back is because I had coca cola every day for like 4 months [in pursuit of atp] and then started a daily multivitamin... And then had loratadine twice daily for 1-2 weeks because of that autoimmune attack -and- stacked aspirin and avdil and another antihistamine on top of it. I think if I just do not do that, I should be okay. The autoimmune attack has calmed the fuck down now anyway.

I think so long as I do a recovery plan and do not drink coca cola daily or have a daily multivitamin anymore, I'll be okay, it's just going to take time to recover and that's very annoying because my hands/arms really fucking hurt, and painkillers might make the problem worse and aren't helping very much anyway.

And to be clear the only reason I am not already at the hospital or clinic asking for tests now, is because I have been through this before and it has been -proven- they will go out of their way not to help me until my symptoms are so far past that all anyone can do is speculate on what the problem was and if I had "really stopped peeing for over a week" or was "really" having what perfectly describes cardiac spasms including my blood pressure suddenly tripling. All it'll do is run my body down and expose me to the sun and corona which is probably part of what triggered this to begin with. I -also- wish doctors would do their jobs and take me seriously so it was actually of use for me to go to a doctor about this... But also my doctor just gave me the worst kind of 'doctor breaking up with you' phone call and I haven't tracked down a local clinic yet that isn't part of their doctor clique.

I am asking you not to worry. And I am doing it in good faith that I really will be fine.

I was so so so so so much closer to dying of this 5 years ago and no one helped me then either, in fact my roommates were consistently bringing corona home, caused a black mold problem in my room and kept letting the c0 from the dryer exhaust flood the basement where I lived... And that's not happening this time either! So don't worry too much. My kidneys and liver seem to do the same thing as my thyroid gland [bounce back so they can threaten to fall under attack all over again sometime later].

They gave my thyroid 5 months to live 10-15 ish years ago, and it's like, fine actually, I just have to manually manage my iodine intake because it's my immune system's favourite chew toy. The problem with my thyroid is literally that it just keeps healing instead of dying so I am -stuck- in the hyperthyroid initial phase of thyroiditis... Indefinitely [hence having hashimoto's that somehow acts like graves disease and halfway tests that way because my thyroid levels are high as shit instead of low]. My immune system attacks my organs and tissues and then if I can give them what they need and calm down the attack, they heal. I have no choice in this and I have never had a doctor who actually knew the full scope of what they were looking at anyway. My body just chews on itself for fun and I can't stop any of it.

I am going to be whiny about it. This is me being whiny about it.

I am used to bounding back from everything withing like 3 days unless it's an ongoing autoimmune problem... The last time this took MONTHS to feel significantly better and like a year+ to fully stop having heart problems. Again, it was way worse last time and I had way less idea what was happening, but I don't want to deal with this for the next 3-6 months and that's making me feel more whiny about the whole thing. Like your hand hurting is one thing, but knowing it's going to keep hurting like that for half a year? Instantly exhausting. Migraines suck, but knowing you have had them last 1-3 months without stopping and that advil won't save you? ahahahahahahaha

But I'll find a way to cope. I'll probably just get slightly weird about something online. But in my defense when I was dying of organ failure last time, and was exposed to c0 and black mold at the same time, no one accused me of those things, so I have to imagine I somehow managed to not be *that* weird.

And if I don't get better and my kidneys keep getting worse I will go to a clinic and demand they test my kidney function like a broken record until someone does, and if I am far gone enough to actually need treatment, they will have a very hard time denying me treatment. I will involve lawyers if I have to. I will talk to whatever bodies of authority can do anything to a doctor at all and I will make myself the biggest pain in the ass. My doctor already "patient fired" me, so if I think my life is actually on the line they will find out how much MORE annoying I can chose to be. I prommy <3

The only reason I am not doing that now is that the problem isn't far gone enough that it'll help me more than hurt me.

The only downside is that one of the best ways to decrease blood calcium and phosphorus is to make your urine more acidic... But I already have gout, so there's some kind of balancing act I need to figure out here and a question of how many beets I should actually be eating and which pain/problem is worse or more pressing. There's a chance that if I ignore my liver entirely for now and strip all excess purines etc from my diet I can keep a few key things incorporated and not make either problem any worse. And at least all information I can find all confirms green tea will help every problem I have without hurting any of them, and I have this whole fucking collection I couldn't drink before because it make me pee 50 times a day.

Worse case scenario I deal with gout for way longer to get the extra phosphorus out of my blood so the calcium bone pain thing stops being a problem and then address the gout.

And complain about it T~T I want steak and cokey cola.

[coastxlwaters]

What happened to ur thumb?!

So, this happened yesterday

0. I had a low level of light headedness and a stomach ache but I needed to get out to the barn to exercise autumn

1. Autumn wasn’t ridden for 2 days and was energetic

2. My crop and saddle felt off, I later learn they were used and modified slightly without my permission (I’m not mad at whoever did, just confused on why they did it as well have that stuff at the barn)

3. My crop and set being off, shifted my normal no anxiety routine to a “oh god, do I need to check Autumn’s back and legs for injuries?” Routine.

4. My legs were awkward trying to reposition correctly, and since autumn is used to me being a quiet and relaxed rider and caretaker that probably ticked her off, her ears were pinned back but flopping, no fucking idea what that means but I have seem some horses do it when anxious or stressed, but idk

5. The crop kept hitting the wrong place on the shoulder, I hound be able to tap once and she goes, and since I’m a rated-shows rider I can’t look down as it’s frowned upon, and have to keep my head up until the lesson or atleast course is over. So I wasn’t able to see what the difference was other than the slightly off feeling.

6. Ticked her off more that I continued to try to use the crop. MY fault, I have no fucking idea what I was doing there other than me failing to follow proper barn rules.

7. We start the course and I she goes speed demon and I could tell she was abt to do SMTH, whether it was a buck or rear I honestly don’t know nor want to find out. I just cut off and out of the course halfway through

8. I got called a coward, (JOKINGLY) so I laugh and say “fuck you than, let’s see what shit I can do now that her energy is out” and get back on.

9. Same thing as 7 but this time I don’t cut off the course and the literal next jump she bucks

10. I land HARD on her neck, I really need to check it out but my friend said she looks fine for now.

11. My hand obviously hits her neck first, my thumb taking the most damage

12. I stayed on, THANKFULLY, cause if I fell off I have no fucking idea what would have happened

13. The rest is kinda like, foggy ig, I remeber making my usual “it can’t be to bad, I lived!” And then my thumb started hurting. At first thought it was SMTH I could ride off. I was wrong and for the next 15 mins I was a mess from it, both being my birthday and smth bad happening on my birthday for th 3rd time in a row. I get home, see my finger and go “damn I’m overdramatic as hell, it’s only a minor jam”

14. Just ice it and kept it elevated the entire night

(Today)

14. No sleep last night

15. It looks weird so I prob need to get it checked for possible infection

16. I get to the doctors and expect to be laughed at for coming in with a minor jam

17. I get X-rayed cause they wanted to see if it’s fractured, told I did amazing for being actively hurt and staying still and calm during it

18. I get to the actual office, Hear I shattered the tip of my thumb and it will forever be slightly bent, get banned from horse riding for a month, (sucks for them as I won’t listen to that)

19. I pull the cancer joke on @stormbreaker-290 again while walking to the room I’m supposed to go to, since I’m MEAN-

20. I get measured for a 1 finger cast as the injury is not severe in the sense I would need a full handed cast, but apparently shattering your tip of your thumb is relatively severe, since it doesn’t happen often and will leave me with my thumb being bent slightly forever unless I decide to do an overpriced surgery. Spoiler alert, I’m broke. Doenst hurt like what I expected tho, it’s only in that category I think for a longer healing process (I wasn’t listening but it was MENTIONED) and a permanent difference in my thumb even if it’s barely noticeable.

So, yeah it’s not severe in the sense of pain, it might take a bit to heal, I’m gonna take care of autumn still obvi and completely ignore the no-riding rule. I MEAN, ILL ONLY DO WORKOUTS AND NOTHING TO BIG OR SHOW PRACTICES OK?!

It’s also on my left hand, and I’m a boring right handed person so I’m fine lol. Gonna use it to hopefully get out of school obvi, but like yeah

Preppy cast✨