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Full Audio Transcript (6.17.24)

The following episode contains potentially disturbing content and we want to alert trauma survivors. It contains material that for some may be difficult to discuss or listen to.

This is He Said, Ella Dijo with Eric Winter (EW) and Rosalind Sanchez (RS).

RS: Como estas, Eric?

EW: Oh, bien bien, and you?

RS: Hoy tenemos una persona muy especial, mi gente. Guys, we are, I know you don't, but you're learning. We are excited about our guest today. He's an actor currently on ABC's 911, which is a huge show.

EW: In the ABC family.

RS: Yes, you may know him from Step Up dance films or from playing the sexy boy next door opposite Jennifer Lopez.

EW: That's right, we have Ryan Guzman. He's here with us today to talk about his new film, The Present, out tomorrow. We're excited not only to dive into his career, but so many other personal things he's opened up about—mental health, his career, so many other things he's been talking about. So let's bring him in.

RS: Yeah, looking forward to Ryan Guzman.

Ryan Guzman (RG): How you guys doing? You guys sweating in that room?

EW: Yeah, man, it's been hot in here. We don't want that air running because you're gonna hear it in the background. So we're just like, this is all for you, Ryan. We're just gonna be sweating the whole podcast.

RS: My armpits almost stink, I hate it!

EW: Yeah, that's great. Great way to open up the podcast.

RS: It’s terrible. Anyways, we're so happy that you are joining us. Thank you so much for doing this.

EW: Yeah, fellow ABC star now. I know you guys jumped over from Fox. You're now on the network where I'm at.

RG: Yeah.

EW: How's that transition been? Has it been weird? I've never been a part of a show that jumped networks. Did it feel totally seamless to you?

RG: Honestly, I've never been a part of something like this either. I mean, I've been on four other TV shows and this one—it felt like a revamp for our show. So it's just like, as soon as we went from Fox to ABC, all of this promotional that we've never even seen in six seasons happened.

EW: Yeah, like a relaunch almost.

RG: Yeah, it was a relaunch. So it was, you know, a blessing. We're all grateful for it.

EW: Which is great. You guys came out with a bang. The ratings were great. You guys were sitting pretty in a good position.

RS: How many seasons now?

RG: Now we're gonna be going on our eighth.

RS: And you've been part of it since the very beginning?

RG: Since the second season.

RS: Since the second, wow, long gig. That's awesome. Good for you!

RG: It happened perfect timing right before I was about to have my first born.

EW: Really?

RS: Oh my God, perfect.

EW: Congrats. So your first born is how old then right now?

RG: Five.

EW: Five. And you have just one right now? You have a second?

RG: No, two. Yeah, I have two. I have a three year old. Little boy, Mateo and my baby girl, Genevieve.

RS: Oh, that's beautiful.

EW: Changes your perspective on everything, right?

RG: Amplified everything. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm also losing hair quicker than I'd like, but.

RS: Yeah. We just did a podcast and we were talking about parenthood, you know, and generational trauma and how I understand my mom now that I'm fifty-one more than ever. You know? My whole life, it was all about, I don't get her. I don't get it. I don't get her. Why, why, why? And now as a mom of a twelve-year-old girl, I just go, okay, now I get my mom.

EW: Yeah, you're not there yet. You're getting some challenges, I'm sure. You know that they say with the terrible twos, the terrible threes, the fucking fours, the fucking fives. That's it! It'll beep those curse words out. But I mean, there's challenges at every level, but there's also so many blessings and so much fun.

RG: Yeah, I'm sure right now as a twelve-year-old girl in this day and age—I'm sure it's insane.

RS: It is work. It's a little work. It's beautiful, listen, it's delicious, it's amazing. She's awesome. We have a little star. She's a tennis player. She's a good girl. But she is so fierce. She's fiercely independent, and she's at the age that I know everything and you don't know anything and just leave me alone because I am finding who I am. And sometimes you want to slap her and be like, you don't know, you don't know shit. So it's interesting.

EW: Let me ask you this, Ryan, because we were just having a conversation about our son is very, very passive. And I mean, he's coming out of his shell more and more, but we have some good friends that started their kids at a very young age in jujitsu and all these things that are just great training grounds to learn for self-esteem, for self-defense, for all these things, right? You grew up doing taekwondo, correct? Got your black belt in taekwondo. Started where you were like around eight, am I right? In that range?

RG: Yeah, it was my seventh year old birthday I started, yeah.

EW: What was the reason that, was that just, why not, I'm gonna try something new? Or was there something that prompted you to go, ah, taekwondo, I wanna jump in?

RG: Way too many Bruce Lee films.

EW: Yeah, I was gonna say, because I used to love watching movies like that too and get excited. So that—it just became a cool thing. You're like, I wanna do it.

RG: It was, honestly, it was everything. Bruce Lee was my idol, he still is my idol. From the philosophical to the physical, it was just a key component in my own evolution. So as I got to read more books, I mean, I was a young kid reading Bruce Lee books and Richard Marchenko books, which are Navy Seal books. I don't know why my interest led me there, but I feel like I needed that kind of structure. And that structure has been such an incredible foundation for, I mean, all of the success that I've been able to be grateful to get. So I highly advise every parent to put their kids into Jiu-Jitsu, wrestling at least, if not some Taekwondo or karate or some kind of martial arts, especially if you're a boy.

RS: I told you.

EW: I'm open to it. I have no problem with it.

RS: We just talked about this.

EW: I have no problem with that. I just know my kid's not gonna do it yet. He's six. I just know like his personality. He did a version of like a Taekwondo for a bit. He lasted, it was like, you know, little kids running around.”

RS: No he never—he did karate.

EW: Well karate. I think it was Taekwondo.

RS: No, it was karate.

EW: It was for sure a blend.

RS: Really?

EW: For sure a blend, it wasn't just straight cut. But he did it for a few years and then kind of got bored, right? And like with any discipline, it takes a lot of work, a lot of patience. I think the age you started feels like a pretty solid age to dive into something that takes that much focus and patience as well to learn.

RS: Did they get hurt though? At six and at seven, when you see them fighting and doing Jiu Jitsu, that is such a physical and a contact sport, do they get hurt?

RG: Yeah, I mean, they can get hurt, but they can also heal really quick. They're young. So I mean, when I was doing Taekwondo, I ended up sparring guys that were like actually twenty-years old to even my master and actually got taken out of—what was it?—a tournament because I broke my hand trying to break, I'm trying to block one of his kicks.

EW: Oh wow.

RS: Oh no.

RG: Yeah. I would say there's different, you know, personality types. I think from one to six, it's less about the structure and less about the discipline. It's more about play.

EW: Yeah.

RG: How can you allow them to feel comfortable in their own bodies and know their movement and then play with this now new martial art? And then after that, then yeah, you start to develop more structure and discipline and say, this is, you know, we got to tame the mind before we tame the body. And you start to understand a little bit more of why it's called an art, martial art.

EW: And when you first started competing, what age were you when you jumped in and then you started fighting, taking shots?

RG: I think it was right away. I was like, I'm around maybe eight, nine. Yeah, around that time.

EW: You learn life lessons quick, right? Like Mike Tyson says, everybody's got a plan till you get punched in the face. Then you have to figure it out.

RG: Yeah, yeah, I wanted to be quick. I wanted to be powerful. And I think another reason why I liked Bruce Lee so much is he was a tiny man. He wasn't a massive, like Michael Jai White kind of guy. So he was able to demand respect just off of his own technique. And I thought, you know, okay, I need to copy that. Technique can beat power and strength or technique can beat strength. So I ended up doing that and proving to myself like, oh, even at eight years old, I can be a force. And as soon as I started doing actual sparring, I just kind of fell in love with it, with the competition of it.”

RS: So Taekwondo and then MMA, right? Because you did a little bit of MMA. So all this is just fighting. When did acting came to the table? Like, and how?

RG: The acting was something I never even thought of coming from Sacramento, I mean, that's not even something that we talk about out there. And it's either martial arts or working for the state or an automotive job. But none of that called me. I was doing modeling in San Francisco. I got offered to do a photo shoot in LA, and I just asked my modeling agency from San Fran to hook me up with an agency in LA, not knowing the racket that modeling is. And I stayed in a one bedroom with five guys creating a massive amount of debt before I learned there was commercials and there was acting available. And I think the competitive streak just kind of clicked. And I was like, well, I want to get out of this situation. That seems to be making a lot more money. And this is the time and day where commercials—the nationals were actually bringing in some money. I don't know if the landscape's the same anymore.”

EW: It's very different for sure.

RG: Yeah, so I was very fortunate at the time to catch the tail end of that. And then I remember being a new twenty-three year old in LA. I'm going to clubs, I'm enjoying, I'm having a great time. And I'm seeing some of the guys that are being successful as actors. And they're kind of like, they were idiots, to be honest. So I was like, how are these guys, you know, so successful? Like I got to try this acting thing out. And I remember I didn't have enough money to download scripts. So I would just take the same page or pages that I had in my place and I'd write my own scripts off of the internet. And I would invite two or three, maybe even five guys over to the house, and I'd just start doing those scenes in front of them. And that was kind of my acting class. And then I went and auditioned for a manager, didn't get that manager, got another one who is my manager today. Three months after that, I booked the lead in Step Up and my life forever changed.

RS: Oh my God. So it was fast.

RG: Within nine months. So yeah.

RS: That's incredible. Good for you. That's incredible.”

EW: I can relate to your journey in a lot of ways. I had a similar—I went from sports to modeling to the same thing, curiosity with acting, reading different books about acting, seeing people do commercials. And like you said, back in the day, you could do one national commercial and if it was a good one, you could actually make your living for the year off of just one commercial. And little by little, just very, very similar path. I didn't get one big movie out the gate that changed my career. It took a lot of grinding. That's an amazing blessing to have something like that happen. And then you have to balance the ebbs and flows of this business at that point, right?

RS: The dancing was just organic to you? Or you were a dancer? A lot of people have that question. Does he really dance?

RG: It was something, I think it's—culturally, I don't know, just being Mexican-American, I was literally raised with my family going to do, like Quinces' [Quinceañeras], or like just parties in general, we'd always dance. And it was less about the one, two, three, ba, one, two, like doing any kind of structured kind of stuff, more of the feel. And I've always loved dancing, but never on that level.

RS: How was it having to follow choreography?

RG: It was kind of like fighting. I put it next to it because the amount of hours we did—we did eight hours every single day for about two, three months. I remember seeing the guy that, and I feel bad because I gave him such a hard time. He was supposed to be my dance double, but my competitive streak was just like, no, no, no. I gotta be that guy. So I would do the eight hours with everybody and then I'd videotape our session and I'd go home and I'd do another two, three hours by myself. And just go over and over, and then I ended up being in every scene.

RS: That's awesome.

EW: Good for you.

RS: Have you done a movie playing a fighter, like an MMA, a boxer or something like that? Have you done that already?

RG: I've not. I've wanted to for the longest time. And I don't know if—I think it'll come. Everything's happening for a reason. I believe in... to, actually what you were saying earlier, getting that job right out the gate, it was overwhelming. It was too much for me at the time. I wasn't ready to be catapulted in the way I was. And I wasn't an actor really. I wasn't really a dancer. I had kind of just been fooling everybody.

RS: How old were you?

RG: I was twenty-three.

RS: Oh baby, okay.

RG: Yeah, so I'm brand new with all this.

EW: Months in, like you said, months in.

RG: Yeah, and everybody's thinking that I'm this thing and I'm kind of taking it. My ego was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe I am. And then reality kind of checked me and the next movie I did and two movies after that were bombs and I realized I don't know anything about this business. So I would say up until maybe three years ago, I didn't really call myself an actor and I was just lucky to count my stars that I was amongst other actors that were like a Jennifer Lopez or working with the Richard Linklater and now Glenn Powell being who he is now. So just super grateful that I got the time and maybe the hustle that I had, those combined allowed me to stay and have some longevity in this career.

RS: Did you get caught up in the whole business—the ugly dark side of Hollywood because you were so young and it came so fast?

RG: I didn't get caught up, but I definitely got put onto it, and it quickly showed me I want no part of it. That's why I kind of say to myself, I stay with my kids. I rarely do any press, but that was just like, the fame game was never something... I don't want to be seen too much and then have to speak in front of thousands of people as if I'm speaking for them. I can only speak for myself and my experience and hopefully people connect to it. But I saw a lot of people that were not necessarily skilled in any asset becoming really famous and rich. And it kind of just wasn't feeding anything other than a hole in the soul. So it kind of made me go a different direction.

RS: That's amazing.

EW: Do you remember on your climb at any point—maybe an older actor you came across that maybe, maybe not a full mentor—but somebody who guided you or gave you some words of wisdom early on that might have helped you navigate this business or any of that even failed you and just set you back going, oh, that was a horrible example of somebody on set? You don't have to name names if you don't want, but I'm just curious if you had people that hit those marks.

RG: I've definitely been blessed to be, I mean, I've worked with some of the greats, Edward James Olmos, Jennifer Lopez, I mean, Juliette Lewis. I've worked [with] some amazing actors and actresses. I could, yeah, I would never name names, but I have gotten some really good advice and some really like [makes a noise] advice. And... so grateful for the good advice. Eddie Olmos has given me some incredible advice. He's just a sound individual.

EW: He's a great human.

RG: Yeah, and his son, Michael Olmos, another sound individual. But I think it was just on all aspects—just stay true to you. I think that's the general narrative that I've gotten from plenty of other individuals. It's just, no one can do you. And your uniqueness is meant to kind of shine in its own unique way. So if you're trying to be—I can't be Antonio Banderas I can't be, even though I'm a Latin actor, I can't be somebody else that's already had that role. I need to just kind of explore myself and allow that to shine, and that's what I feel like I'm just starting to tap into these past couple of years. So I'm really excited to see where it goes.”

RS: Before we talk about your movie coming out tomorrow—and listen, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, because we want to be very respectful—but we read that and you came out openly saying that you had to deal with some mental situations, and you battle a little bit of depression at some point in your life. Only if you want to talk about it, otherwise we don't have to. I was just very curious, where did depression come from? If you even know.

RG: Yeah, I've spent many, many years dissecting where the depression has come from, and it's essentially from people pleasing. It's a trauma coping mechanism that I started a long time ago when I was a child, and I didn't even realize it. And it's kind of these things that I'm aware of now raising my own children to give them less to work on later on in life and give them a better foundation. But yeah, as I got older, I started to realize that I was people pleasing so much to a detriment that I had nothing left for myself. And I've even watched old interviews and where I'm smiling the whole time and trying to say the right thing and do the right thing and be the perfect individual, be the all-American boy, and that's not who I really am. I'm flawed and I have my own issues, and I think being raised a Mexican-American man who's not supposed to tap into his feelings or understand them, let alone, that set me back a lot. So I came to a point about seven years ago where I reached my limit, and I had just seen my parents' divorce. I had just gone through a horrible relationship, and I was looking around for some kind of aid, somebody to be there, and no one was there.

And I realized that I had been leaning on the wrong people. So feeling that lonely, feeling like you wake up and you just know what's gonna happen every single day is just kind of a time suck and it's quicksand, and that's how the depression kind of starts. And luckily, I got a second chance, and from that moment forward, it kind of just awoken—I awoke into something new, something better and a path towards a purpose. So. Yeah.

RS: The second chance came from within, from a person, from a book?

RG: The second chance came from my attempt at not working. So I'm a very extremist person type, and right after my attempt did not work, I just started crying like crazy. And I was in a horrible environment. Somebody was yelling at the other side of the door. You know, just horrible things were happening at the time. And then after I stopped crying, I remember sitting on my bed and just having this moment of like this epiphany. You can't ever be the same. You got to be something different because you've already reached the absolute limit with this type of person you are. You got to deconstruct, break everything down because the foundation you've been building on is so fractured and cracked. And for the last six, seven years now, I've broken myself down and try to stay as humble as I possibly can and look at all the horrible things about me and then kind of start from there and rebuild and heal and allow myself to be a different individual and actually show and implore people to change via changing myself.

RS: That's amazing.

EW: Yeah, thank you for sharing that. I think a lot of our listeners will gain a lot just hearing. Maybe they don't go through something to the extent you went through, but everybody deals with some sort of down moment, whether it gets as far as a deep depression or not, and a lot of people don't know how to even pull out of the simplest thing. And you, like you said, hit a level of rock bottom and had that epiphany. Thank God. Now, I mean, you're a dad and you have so much to offer your children and let alone your own— yourself and your life. You have so much more to do—so thank you for sharing that. That's powerful.

RS: I'm assuming spirituality is very important in your life at the moment.

RG: Yes. Yes. Yeah. That's part of my purpose as well. I was raised a Catholic. I was an altar boy at one point in time. I went into the seminary for a little bit. And then I kind of disassociated with the church and religion in general. I saw the underbelly of it. But yeah, my spirituality is—I started to reread the Bible and tap back into my spirituality and just be open to Eastern and Western, allowing all forms to kind of really like be permeable. So I think there's so much to this life that to say that you know it all is kind of cutting yourself off of so much opportunity and abundance. Yeah, so that's kind of where I'm at right now. Just—I'm exploring that with like-minded individuals, and propelling love rather than fear, so.

EW: It's great that you're putting all this into perspective in your life now because especially—I know every business has challenges, but I think in a business like ours, where so many people—their happiness hinges on the ups and the false belief that people around you have all the time—and the moment you don't deliver, the moment people's attitudes or perceptions of you change, or the moments—it's such a roller coaster emotionally, the business that we're in, that a lot of people, I think, aspire or want—they want it so bad because they see fame, they see that meaning, the all-encompassing success. You must be happy because people know who you are. It's like nobody has to know who you are to be happy.

I like what you said—just staying out of press unless you want to do something or maybe you have a social media presence when you want. But it's not because you feel the need to feed the ego to be seen by everybody else. It's something that speaks to you, so I'll do it. But it's not to please people. And that's what this business has become for so many others. I need to constantly please. And when I'm not pleasing, I failed. And when you fail, you feel like, what have you accomplished? You could have accomplished—you could be an Oscar winner and it still wouldn't be enough. Because you're gonna fail at some point again. Like it's very rare that someone just rides high all the way through in this business. And so I think our business is such a tough one to navigate the waters you've been through. But thankfully you're putting those pieces in perspective now, which I think is perfect timing because your career is just gonna continue to go and go and go and go and go like that, because that's just what the business does. But you've got the tools now.

RS: It's brutal, to be honest. So it's good when we find spirituality and when we have all the things going for us that are so much more important, like parenthood. Because for me, I decided to be a mom late in life because it was all about career, career, I need to make it. And I wasn't searching fame. My problem with the business—and the lows were low. Not because, oh, I'm not where I wanna be because I wanna be famous. It was more about why do I have to constantly prove myself? I've done big movies, I've done huge TV shows and then why is there, what I call in the meantime, this moment of nothing that all the stuff that you have accomplished basically becomes nothing and you have to do it all over again. And it's the constant, I'm swimming against the current. It's not about being famous. It's about why, like it's been almost 30 years. Why do I still have to prove to you that I can do this when just look at my body of work? I've done it many times before. And it is very frustrating.

RG: Both of you guys have great points. I mean, and both of you guys' careers speak for themselves. I would say that I've been blessed now again with this new chance at life that I've come to understand it's more about connectivity. Connectivity to like minded individuals and loved ones and connectivity to a purpose, which for me is creativity. So to your point, I always felt that same way where I was like trying to outdo my last thing and that was so fleeting—or get some type of money, some type of recognition, and it was all fleeting because at the end of the day, after you pass away, that's all gone.

But if you create something, you connect with somebody, that remains even after you pass. So that's what truly matters. So I find myself having deep conversations with individuals. I find myself getting lost in my art or my poetry or writing screenplays and just kind of just creating, allowing my own storytelling to come in and flourish. But it can be very defeating in the time and age that we're in right now. So many people are trying to be social media stars and do the next TikTok dance and say the next absurd thing to get all the views.

And I think they're gonna find what I ended up finding a long time ago, which—one example sticks out in my mind. I'd always wanted to throw a first pitch in a baseball game or at least be a part of a baseball game, and I luckily got invited to the LA Dodgers game. And I remember getting that experience and the people that I wanted there weren't there. So it felt meaningless. And it felt like I had no true connection. I'm like, my mom, my dad, my brother, somebody should be here. Why are they not here? I've lost all contact because I've been so busy working. I've been so focused on creating this brand of Guzman. And now I understand. It's like, none of this means anything without the people that you care about right next to you.

EW: 100%. Talk to us about your movie. This is exciting. The Present.

RG: Yeah, The Present is an awesome film. It's a good wholesome family film. Nice little comedy in there. Cause you know, Isla Fisher, Greg Kinnear, they're incredible individuals. The kids kill it in this. I mean, they're the star pupils in this film. And then it was new for me. It was a little fun role to play. You know, comedic timing, trying to master that still. But I had fun with it playing opposite of Isla. And essentially the movie is about a family who's on their way to separation going on divorce and their kids get gifted this grandfather clock and this grandfather clock can turn back time. So the kids try and use this to try and save their family's relationship. And everything that ensues is really nice.

EW: You know, when I saw the premise, I was thinking to myself, cause I come from divorced parents and I remember as a kid always going like, how can I just change this? How can I take that back? And so to put that into a movie, I think is a fun concept that anybody coming from a divorced family could probably relate to in that sense. Cause you always want to turn back time and go, is there something I could have done? And even though, you know, kids take that blame, but it's a great premise. That sounds like a lot of fun.

And comedic timing, like doing comedy and stretching, even though you've done it before and you continue to do it, it's like, it's always its own art form. It is so tricky. People don't understand how difficult great comedy is. Like, I always think some of the best actors in our business, period, are comedians, because to make someone genuinely laugh, like crying laughter, to me is way harder than making someone feel like cry with tears of sadness. I think people can tap into that as a viewer much easier than like someone genuinely making you die laughing. So just doing comedy as an actor is such a fun art form to continue to explore, I'm sure.

RG: 100%. I mean, Robin Williams is the, I would say my go for that. He shows—”

EW: Do it all.

RG: The comedy that he does is so based in truth.

EW: Yeah.

RG: It's so grounded. That's why it works. And obviously it helps that he can play like 12 million personalities, but—

EW: Totally, but then he'll crush the drama at the same time. Like he'll do drama, no problem. Then to do comedy, you don't see a lot of dramatic actors come over and knock out comedy like you see comedians go over and knock out drama.

RG: Yeah.

EW: So I think like it's awesome that you got to explore that as well.

RS: Is there one thing that you see yourself in five years doing? You have a successful show, and now you're a dad, you know, you're pretty accomplished. But if you can look at your future and be like, there's this thing that is my north is the next, is what is gonna make everything make sense and be full circle.

RG: Yeah, being my own director. Right now I'm working on a film that I've written. I'm working with an incredible director, Mo McCray, mentoring under him and taking ownership of my own career and allowing myself to kind of open the space and open the door for not even just more Latinos, but just in general for newer voices and more creative voices and human experiences. But I mean, there's always that one big thing to be like a Marvel superhero at some point in time.

RS: You will.

EW: You can have more than one North for sure, but that's a great one. That's a great one.

RS: You know, it's interesting. I'm going through the process. I'm leaving to go to Puerto Rico to do this thing that I wrote that I'm gonna direct. It's my first feature that I'm directing, and it's like, I want it to be like the second stage of my career. And it's so hard, Ryan, to—it's an independent film and to be able to raise finance, you know, it's years, you know, like we had Ricky Martin a couple of podcasts back and he was saying that he learned that in this business, everything takes five years from beginning to end is five years. And now that I think about it, I'm like, you know what? Absolutely right. It's gonna be five years, you know, once I'm done, I edit, you know, locked picture, boom, it's gonna be five years.

And it's been brutal. The process, it's been brutal because it's a lot of letdowns and people offering you all kinds of things and at the end of the day, it's all BS, you know, it's all smoke and mirrors. And the only thing that keeps me going is the love of the art and the love of what we do because I wrote it and it's so special to me. It's like my third baby. And even though I'm going through logistical nightmares and finance, is it gonna fall apart? Is it here? Is it not? When I sit down to do my shot list and when I'm actually doing the creative work of it all, I can do that all day long. All day long, because it's amazing if you love it.

RG: Yeah. Yeah, the business part of it is just—it's defeating. The creativity part of it is incredible. And I'm sure this is just gonna be, you know, an abundance of opportunity and knowledge, you know, for the next thing. And like anything you do in life, as soon as you begin something new, you probably suck at it, unless you're one of those rare few individuals that can do everything. But there is a learning process, a learning curve. And this was gonna probably be one film that spurs on so many other films now.”

RS: Amen.

RG: Watch and enjoy.

RS: Yeah, amen. Anyways, thank you.

EW: Well, Ryan, thanks for hanging with us today. This was awesome, man. Thanks for sharing everything. Wish you the very best. Obviously you're crushing it and you have a lot of great aspirations still to come. So we truly wish you the best.

RS: Thank you.

RG: Alright, guys, you guys have a great day.

RS: You too, bye bye.

EW: That was great.

RS: Oh my God, he's so wonderful.

EW: Yeah, such an awesome guy. And truly wish him the best with the trajectory and everything he has planned for his career beyond 911. I love that he's writing and wants to direct. Check out The Present movie coming out tomorrow.

RS: Tomorrow. On demand.

EW: On demand. Till next time.

RS: Bye, love you.

#6.17.24 #june 2024 #ryan guzman #transcribed #he said ella dijo #okay i'm going back to sleep now -j

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theetherealbloom · 2 years ago

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UNEVEN ODDS - CH. 6

Chapter Six: I Swear A Million Times To Hold You Just The Way You Like

Summary: The Reader is dragged into the Last of Us universe and has no choice but to watch the events unfold or will she be able to change what was already written?

Paring: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Warnings: SMUT SMUT SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER AHH, (besties wrap it up!) Lowkey this chapter was poorly edited so sorry! Age-gap Romance, Violence, ANGST, Swearing, Suicide, FLUFF, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Crying, Suggestive content, the pandemic, character death, INFECTED, MY SCIENCE IS WONKY, probable plot holes, rusty writing, TLOU is dark please read at your own risk! (MINORS, please run away :,)

Word Count: 17.3k (I hope this makes up for the delay my bad)

A/N: HELLAUR HOOMANS! Thank you again for all the love and support you have given me for this series! I truly appreciate you all for being here <3 This chapter and episode feels a little bit personal to write since I am someone who also has PTSD, so when I watched Pedro’s performance during those difficult panic attack scenes, I truly felt represented and seen. For me, my PTSD is subtle and not overly loud or noticeable at first glance, so when I saw it being portrayed that way I started ugly crying pls--

Song: Sweet Disaster by Oh Wonder

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TLOU WORLD – 2023

THREE MONTHS LATER…

WYOMING WILDERNESS, HEADING WEST – DAY

It’s been three months since the incident, and neither of you spoke about what happened that morning in Kansas City. The past few months of walking West have proven a challenge as the seasons begin to change. As you suspected, you noticed Joel slowly let Ellie in; he taught her how to look for tracks and how to properly keep watch the first time he fell asleep. Her questioning, her loving attitude, her nasty language, everything entered his heart gradually. He hadn't planned on it, but he now cares for her. You, on the other hand, were already fond of her, you taught her the more “fun” activities. Like looking for more constellations as time passes by, continuing educating her ASL, and teaching a few of your favorite songs from your original reality.

You occasionally hummed as the seasons changed, trying to fill the silence and somber with music. Joel and Ellie didn’t seem to mind, you asked if they were bothered or annoyed but Joel grunted, “Better than Ellie asking a million more questions.” You simply chuckled while Ellie protested and began to defend herself. And then there were the moments you couldn’t quite label. Small touches between you and Joel, providing each other comfort now and then, knowing how bad the loneliness can get to anyone. A squeeze on your shoulder, the brushing of fingers, and if you were lucky, you’d get to hold his hand for a period of time as you trekked through the terrain. You swore there were times you felt his gaze roaming every mile of skin you had, but every time you turned to look he was already busy doing something else.

The branches have exchanged their leaves for white sleeves and all warm-blooded creatures make ghosts as they breathe. As gentle as feathers, the snow piles high, this world gets rewritten and retraced every time. After seeing Cody crawling with infected, you three headed out to the large forest to find out if Tommy is still alive and in hiding. Even Ellie tried to point out that there was a possibility he didn’t make it, but as Joel had said before, he was persistent.

You came across a cozy cabin hidden in the forest. Realizing you had no other options, you had to ask for directions to where you were at the moment. A quiet and nice old lady, named Florence had resided and mentioned she was with her husband, Marlon. After making the soup she told three of you that her husband wouldn’t be happy they were in their home. You peeked past the curtains and out the window you saw he husband returning from hunting in the forest, hanging out two white rabbits by the door. Marlon walked inside his home to find her wife sitting upon the rocking chair, her gaze slowly moving towards Joel, him with his revolver out while you and Ellie are upstairs, quietly watching from the mezzanine.

Marlon reluctantly places his bow and arrows on the side entry table, removes his gloves, and unzips his outer jacket, while Joel grumbles out, “And the gun.” Marlon grunts, “Who the hell are you?” Joel walks a bit closer while demanding for him to cooperate, he says, “Just someone passing through. Take the gun out, two fingers only, put it out of reach.” The senior does as he’s told and places it on the other table and asks his wife who was quietly watching the interaction, “Why didn’t you shoot him?” She continues rocking back and forth, “The gun’s all the way over there. He didn’t hurt me by the way.”

“Yeah, I got eyes.” He nonchalantly replies and spots the empty soup bowl on the wooden living room table, “You made him soup?” Florence gives his husband an obvious answer, "Yeah, I did. It’s cold out.” He simply shakes his head and sits down on his own chair. “I’m looking for my brother.” Joel states and the other man replies and removes his cap, “Well, I ain’t seen him.” Your cowboy shakes his head, “I haven’t told you what he looks like.”

“He look anything like you?” He asks and Joel tilts his head, “A bit.”

Ellie taps your arm and whispers to you, “It’s you and Joel from the future.” You frown and shake your head as you whisper back to her, “No.” The young girl rolls her eyes, “Whatever, you should see the way he looks at you when you’re not paying attention.” You blink at her, and you’re seemingly left speechless.

“Then I ain’t seen him,” He says, “He’s got a girl and his wife with him.” You hear Florence say and you nearly choke on air in surprise. Joel turns to look at her, pissed, and confused, and didn’t even bother to correct her. Ellie yells next to you, “Can I come down?” Joel raises his voice at her, “No! Ellie!” You couldn’t stop her as she excitedly runs downstairs, and you have no choice but to follow her.

The elderly couple laughs knowingly, Joel looks at you and Ellie, “What did I just say?” And you give him an apologetic look and Ellie replies, “Joel, come on. They’re like a thousand.” Marlon questions aloud, “Who’s this little psycho and her mother?” Your mouth slightly parted open, about to inform him that you weren’t married to Joel and you weren’t her mother but Joel dismissed it, “Never mind them. I need you to tell us where we are.” He went to the middle of the living room, shoving the map in his direction, cheekily the man throws back, “If you got a map, why you lost?” Ellie’s lips turn downwards as she replies sarcastically, “Must’ve missed all the street signs in the enormous fucking forest.”

Marlon whistles out, “Holy.” And Florence chuckles, still enjoying the excitement that they haven’t had in years. Joel sighs and points out on the map, “We’re somewhere here. Exactly where? And your answer better be the same as your wife’s.” Marlon glances back at his wife, “Did you tell him the truth?” She nods, “Yeah.” He raises an eyebrow at her, “Are you telling me the truth?” She doesn’t hesitate, “Yeah.” He lets out a deep exhale as he leans over, pointing where you all were currently.

Joel places his revolver back in his holster, his eyebrows are furrowed and he sighs in frustration, “Well, you found a great place to hide, I guess.” He sits down and you sit right next to him and Ellie mimics you both. “Hide? Came here before you were born, sonny. Get the hell away from everybody.” Marlon replied as his wife gives her input, “I didn’t want to.” He grumpily waves her off and you lean next to Ellie, “Okay, there’s some truth in what you said.” She gives you a smirk in response.

“Listen, I didn’t mean to upset you about your brother but if you’ve come this far, then you know what’s out there. You seen Cody?” Marlon asked while Joel clenches his jaw, and Ellie replies, “Yeah, got close enough. It’s crawling with Infected.” He hums in agreement, “Yeah, Laramie and Wind River Reservation. Anywhere people used to be, you can’t go there no more.” Joel doesn’t give up and asks, “So you haven’t heard the name, ‘Tommy’?”

“Nope.” He simply says and Ellie questions, “What about the Fireflies?” Florence replies this time, “We get those in the summer.” The young girl frowns, “Not the bugs, the people.” Cluelessly the woman asks, “There are firefly people?” Her husband chuckles and Joel's frown grows deeper, creating harsh lines on his forehead, “You got any advice on the best way west?” The senior man doesn’t miss a beat, “Yeah. Go east. But you never go past the river here.” He then points to a specific location on the map, the blue stream that flows across the paper, “Ever.”

“What’s past the river?” Ellie asked, brave and a little naive, the kind wise Florence replies, “Death. We never see who’s out there but we see the bodies they leave behind. Some infected, some not.” She turns to look at Joel, “If your brother is west of the river, he’s gone.” You lift your eyes to the man next to you, Joel has his eyebrows pinched, his gaze distant, and the lines by the side of his mouth are evident. Your heart sinks at the chance that the elderly couple might be right. “You’re not gonna scare us,” Ellie softly says and the woman answers, “Scared him.” Her husband chuckles and Joel scrambles to get out of there, not saying a single word, he’s grabbing the map and packs up the rest of his things.

You and Ellie are quick to follow after him as she comments, “You don’t seriously believe them.” Joel’s footsteps are loud with every crunch of snow, “They’ve lived here a long time.” He turns and you do too to see Ellie grab a rabbit, “Put that back.” Ellie doesn’t listen and swings the dead rabbit behind her back, “They don’t know anything. Never heard of the fireflies.” Joel unexpectedly stops walking, and you can hear his breathing become labored as he places his hand on the wooden fence, you angle your head to the right in confusion and concern.

Joel only hears muffled echoes as the ringing in his ears overpowers his senses, “Joel? Are you okay?” You softly ask and there is no response, you hear Ellie begin to worry as well and lines begin to form across your forehead. “Shut up.” His voice was barely audible as he places his hand on his chest. You jerk back, but you try to decode what was happening. Ellie then asks him, “Holy shit. Are you dying?” He shakes his head in response, “I’m okay.” But the world seems to spin around him, his vision feels blurry and the weightlessness he feels is unsettling, unable to process the news he had just heard and the possible chance his brother is no longer alive. The further he goes West, the more his paternal empathy is starting to merge Ellie and Sarah into one.

Yours and Ellie’s voices merge into one large echo as you both try and make sure he’s alright. “I’m fine.” You both don’t buy it, “No, no, but are you? Because just a reminder that if you’re dead, we’re fucked.” Ellie said, referring to both of you, which seemingly brings Joel grounded remembering he is now a caretaker and guardian to the both of you, he turns to you as he assures, “I said I’m fine. It’s just the… cold air all of a sudden.”

You don’t buy it one bit but you don’t want to diagnose him immediately so you keep silent and listen to Ellie speak as she marches on forward while ducking under the wooden fence, “All right, uh… let’s go and find Tommy and, and the Fireflies.” Joel grunts and looks at you and you avert your eyes from him, quickly following Ellie.

“It’s gonna be easy,” Ellie said, stumbling a little but marching on, “All we have to do is cross the River of Death.”

All the bruises seem to surface like mud beneath the snow, your feet dug into the snow, a small thin path of footprints lay behind me, telling me where you have come from, but not where you are going. The winds were cold, almost freezing your skin with a simple touch. The icy winds blew against your jacket, the fabric keeping you warm, enough to feel comfortable but not to keep your cold thoughts away. You knew about Jackson, but you weren’t entirely sure where exactly the town was. You silently hope Tommy was fine and nothing had changed.

You gazed around the land, nothing but unending snow and ice, almost a hint that this land had gotten incredibly secluded through the years. After the trees reached the sky, children laughed and played, and the sounds of birds chirping in the woods woke me up from my long rest. It was almost as if the world itself was a part of you, but now that everything has turned frigid and awful, you hardly recognize it.

You see a river stream to your left, Ellie stops to look at it and rolls her eyes as she sarcastically says, “The River of Death. Scary.” Joel sighs, “Don’t start. It’s too close to dark. There’s some caves along the river. We’ll set up camp there, cross in the mornin’.” Ellie smiles, “Good. I’m starving. Should’ve stolen two rabbits.” You ruffle her hair a little bit and Joel replies, “We can get our own rabbits.”

Ellie excitedly asks as she looks up at Joel, “You gonna teach me how? You taught Birdie.” You bite back a smile from the memory, his entire firm body was behind you, hands on either side of you, the ghost of his breath as he whispered instructions creating a trail of goosebumps. If you were being honest, you were very close to kissing him, but you were too afraid to mess it all up, to ask if he felt it too, and continued to wait for him to be ready. “Just keep movin’.” Joel dismisses her and the girl sighs in frustration and exhaustion. You look to Joel, your eyes gazing into his brown ones, hoping that if you stare long enough you could magically read his mind, then turned to trail after Ellie.

WYOMING WILDERNESS, CAVE – NIGHT

Your campfire appeared to echo the starlight and bounced off the walls of the small cave as if the flames so close and so distant had so very much to say to one another. It crackled and spat before hissing into life. Its lambent light stole away the velvet-black shadows dancing on the wall. As that dry, withered stump slowly releases years and years of energy soaked up from the sun, the air, and the ground around it, outcome bright lights, whispering hisses, sizzling pops, and a thick, intoxicating smell of musky smoke and pine needles.

You sit atop a large rock by the edge with Ellie, both of your heads are tilted up, black heavens are the perfect stage upon which the brightest of hues dance. You could watch the aurora lights for infinity and always see that it is new, a unique moment and beauty in all of existence. Rays of light fall from the sky, making drapes that stretch across the sky. And they are reminiscent of fluttering drapes or curtains in the wind. There is also a violet and a crimson trim at the bottom and top ends. Sometimes the hues are blended together and braided into one another. New beams of light streaming down from space cause the curtains to vanish and reappear.

Joel looks up to find you both whispering and giggling, you are pointing up at the sky and moving excitedly as you explained the glow from the stars and the infinite rays of light creating waves in the cold midnight sky. He watches Ellie lean her head on your shoulder and you gently rub her back, eventually giving her a light squeeze as a form of a side hug. He brings his fingers to his lips, and a shrill attention-grabbing pierces through the air, both of you swiftly turn your attention to Joel who says, “Come down from there. You’re both gonna break your necks.”

You and Ellie make your way down the high rock, and both of you walk to Joel who was sipping from his flask. Ellie curiously asks Joel, “Ahh… Can I have some?” He shakes his head at her, “No.” The fourteen-year-old whines, “What? Just to warm up. C’mon.” Joel looks at you, and you were surprised he wanted your input or permission. You simply nodded, letting him give the metal flask to Ellie which she receives with a bright smile, she raises it in thanks and takes a large sip. Her face twists into a sour expression, her eyes shut for a brief moment while her eyebrows meet in the middle, “Yep… still gross.” Ellie hands it back to Joel and he asks if you want some to which you respond with a shake of your head. She lets out a little cough and Joel quietly sips from his flask.

“So, I’ve been thinking. Let’s say we find the Fireflies, it all works, they draw my blood and put it through some of their fancy machines and make a cure.” Ellie says and you watch Joel shift his eyes a bit, trying to figure out where this is heading, “Okay?” Ellie raises her eyebrows as she asks aloud, “Then what? Like, what do we do?” Joel raises his defenses, trying to keep the invisible bricks intact steady, “Oh, it’s ‘we’?” Unintentionally you sigh loudly in exasperation, looking at Joel with your eyelids heavy, you nervously lick the bottom of your lip and cling to your patience as it slowly slips through your fingers like sand. Ellie also sighs and reforms her question, “Okay, fine. Whatever. You. Her. You both can do anything you want. Where are you going? What are you doing?”

Joel clears his throat, “It’s never been an option. Maybe… an old farmhouse, some land… a ranch.” Ellie encourages him to continue, “Cool. What kind?” He replies while he smugly looks at Ellie “Sheep. I would raise sheep. They’re quiet… do what they’re told.” Ellie rolls her eyes and nods, “Yeah, yeah. Okay. So, just you and a buncha sheep. Romantic.” You smile at the thought of him living a domesticated life, no more danger or violence, just simple and safe. Joel hesitates a little before asking Ellie, “And what about you? Where are you gonna go?”

She raises her head high, looking up at the full midnight moon glimmering bright along with the twinkling stars, “It’s probably cause I grew up in the QZ. Behind you, there’s ocean, and ahead of you, there’s a wall. Nowhere else to look but up. I read everything I could in the school library. Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, Jim Lovell. But you know who my favorite is?” You create creases beneath your eyes as you smile widely, having a pretty good guess as to who. You and Joel say the same thing at the same time, “Sally Ride.” Ellie grins, “Sally fuckin’ Ride! Best astronaut name ever. How about you Birdie?” You blink twice, “What?” She raises an eyebrow, “What are you gonna do when after I save the world? Are you gonna try to go back to your world or whatever?”

You've trusted and refused every compass you've followed, and the same is true of an ever-changing concept of right. You wrap your arms around your middle, and your shoulders rise and fall as you breathe, “Um… I actually haven’t thought about that. I don’t know.” She looks at you with confusion and questions “Don’t you want to go back home?” Her inquiry causes you to shrink into yourself a little more, not wanting to answer, craving to distance yourself from Joel and Ellie’s gaze. You swallow nervously and look down at your worn-out boots, “I… Maybe. It might take a long time before I could figure out something. But to be honest Ellie, I never felt… at home there. So many things that I had before, but they don't matter to me now.”

Then it becomes quiet for a bit, you watch Ellie blink a couple of times, the crackling bright glow of the orange fire illuminating on side of her face, as she begins to question the future before her, she couldn’t help but wonder, “It’ll work, right? The vaccine?” Joel looks down unsure, “It’s a little late to start wonderin’.”

“I tried, with Sam,” Ellie says as she doesn’t bring her eyes to either of you, your eyes soften at her admittance, none of you have talked about what had happened, not wanting to dwell on the past too much, but to hear her finally bring it up giving you a sense of pride, for her to have the courage to speak about something so traumatic. Joel continued the conversation by asking her what she meant, “Tried what?” She still couldn’t bring herself to look at either of you, choosing to gaze into the campfire, “I knew he was infected. I rubbed some of my blood into his bite. I know, I know, it was stupid. But I… I wanted to save him.” Joel softly says, the wind carrying his words into the night, “Well, I reckon it’s a lot more complicated than that. Marlene, she’s a lotta things, but… she’s no fool. If she says they can do it, they can do it.” Ellie doesn’t say anything as she nods and he takes a large gulp from his flask, throwing his head back as he does.

The fire crackles loudly, but Ellie’s voice could be heard as she asked, “You wanna take first watch or second?” Joel grunts out, “I’ll do both. Get some sleep.” You opened your mouth to dispute him, saying that you could do the first watch but he doesn’t let you get a single syllable in as he narrows his eyes at you, “No.” You huff in annoyance and say nothing. You and Ellie get up to go deeper into the cave as Joel says to the both of you while grabbing his rifle, “Dream of… going home to sheep ranches on the moon.” Ellie gives him another nod, “I will.”

WYOMING WILDERNESS, CAVE – EARLY MORNING

The snow forest feels to the rest of the world like a gift waiting to be opened. Upon the ascent of the daylight, the wilderness is so bitter cold. It exudes a clean aura that invites the soul to pause for a minute and allow the sight to permeate the soul. You live in the moment, the past is always gone, and each day is something new, a stepping stone into a future you dream of even in the cold. The last of the morning stars were blinking out tragically above you. They glowed like bling-silver grains of sand in the early sky. It was a sight to see as their bejeweled splendor faded into nothingness. A ghostly, orb-white winter moon lingered there, eerily similar to a faint strobe light. A halo of brilliant golden encircled its waning brilliance. The sky around it was a vast sheet of grate-grey, with a plum-purple hue near the horizon.

You woke up a bit earlier than usual, and you found Joel passed out, laying on his side and using his jacket as a pillow. You could hear the birds squawking from above the trees, and see the campfire had dimmed. Quietly, you pushed yourself up and grabbed the rifle he had left beside him. You did the usual checks to ensure the safety of everyone, and to see if there were any tracks or unwanted animals lurking around. So far, luckily, you three were safe for the time being.

You made your way back to the cave, finding Ellie alert and awake. She looks at Joel and then back at you, and you raise your finger to your lips, indicating that she should let Joel rest and be quiet. The young girl nods in understanding, silently walking towards you, the both of you taking watch. You let Ellie practice what Joel had taught her and let her hold the rifle in the meantime. And she did everything perfectly.

As time passed and the sun began to rise from the east, you hear Joel mumble in his sleep. You tuned your ears to his whimpers and mumbling, catching the words, “Supposed to be me… Supposed to…” You frown in understanding and worry, you had your fair share of nightmares fueled by guilt. Joel startles awake, gasping for air as he pushes himself up frantically searching for his rifle, only to find you and Ellie standing guard. Ellie couldn’t help herself as she quips, “Still mumbling in your sleep. Birdie and I woke up early. You were passed out, so we both took second watch.”

Joel’s fury sprang to life as he stood up, “You gotta wake me up if that happens. Both of you can’t do things like this.” You felt a flash of irritation as you say to him, “But we can… ‘cause we just did.” He’s quiet for a moment, caught off guard by your reaction, then he speaks, “I’m responsible for both of you, okay?” Ellie is quick to throw back, “Then don’t fall asleep.” She began to recount detail and instruction Joel had given her before when he taught her while you proudly smirk at him, “What can I say, man? I’m a natural.” Joel grouchily nods, “Uh-huh.” And gestures to her to give him back the rifle, he nods at her in approval this time, “You wake me up next time.” Ellie rolls her eyes and smiles sarcastically, “Yes, sir. But you should know that Birdie woke up before me.”

Your eyes widen at her, “Ellie, don’t throw me under the bus!” She chuckles at you as Joel gives you a pointed look and you raise your eyebrows at him, daring him to try and argue, instead he just shakes his head, “Let’s get goin’.”

The cold air stung your cheeks and you pulled your scarf up closer to your face. As you looked around you took notice of the white blanket of snow covering the trees, ground, and mountains. The smell of damp pine trees made the air feel fresh and clean. The world around you was frozen in a glaring white quiet. Nothing made a sound, nothing moved, nothing sang. Winter's slavering teeth have vanished. Its piercing winds had stripped the trees of their final leaves, leaving them naked and brooding in a harsh world. They were groaning beneath the weight of the snow, encased in their medical coats. A great limb would occasionally groan, shatter, and collapse. It sounded like an explosion went off in the jungle. Apart from that, the woodland was engulfed in an eerie stillness. There was no morning chorus, sound symphony, or avian orchestra. The entire globe was encased in a dome of quiet. Winter's lethal grasp has strangled and suffocated all life on the planet. Snowflakes fluttered down on the three of you, sylph-like in their airy quiet. They glinted like crushed diamond dust as they landed. A shimmering winter scape of white and silver.

The sudden gunshot disrupted the peace of the forest, and the startled geese began to honk and fly off into the distance, Joel waits for a bit to ensure it was safe to cross the bridge, Ellie observes, waiting for something to happen, but nothing does, “The River of Death. Still no people.” Joel grumbles out, “Fine.” Then proceeds to stand up, and walk to the entrance of the bridge as you and Ellie closely follow him from behind.

As you continue to make your way across the bridge, Ellie tries to whistle like Joel, however, no high pitch sound comes out, just puffs of air. Joel turns around in confusion, and Ellie’s reply is muffled by her fingers, “I’m learning how to whistle.” And Joel looks at her incredulously, “You don’t know how to whistle?” She retorts, “Does it sound like I know how to whistle?” He says the obvious, “No.” You laugh, letting yourself enjoy the little moments of peace with the two. “Seriously, though, how the fuck do you do that?” Ellie asks walking a little bit ahead and you walking side-by-side with Joel, he harrumphs, “Talent.” And you lightly smack his arm at his response, and you swore you saw him give you a small smile, Ellie mutters, “Whatever. You should teach me how to hunt.”

“Huh.” Joel states, and Ellie mocks him, “‘Huh’. Like. ‘She’s a girl. She can’t handle it.’” Joel speaks as he trudges through the snow, “You can handle the shootin’. Not so sure about the dressin’.” Ellie sighs, “What’s the dressin’?” You and Joel walk a little bit past her and he replies, “The part where you take the guts out.” And your nose scrunches up at the thought while Ellie says, “Oh, yeah. Why do they call it dressing? It’s like you should call it undressing ‘cause it is. It’s like… undressing from the inside.” She paused for a bit to catch her breath before saying, “Still interested, though.”

The sound of water rushing fills your ears as you waddled through the snow, stumbling upon a large structure. Dams were mechanical temples that harnessed the victorious powers of water, power, and terrestrial fertility for human advantage. “Dam.” Ellie said, and you rolled your eyes in amusement while Joel tells her, “You’re no Will Livingston.” She quickly throws back at him, “Yeah, yeah, but who is? So that made electricity?” Referencing the Dam in front of them, Joel mutters, “Yeah. Don’t ask me. I don’t have a clue.” Ellie laughs, “You know, you could’ve just made something up. I would’ve believed you.” Joel answers, “Ask Birdie, she’s practically a walking encyclopedia.”

“I don’t know whether to be offended or amazed at the fact you know what an encyclopedia is.” You quip at him with a smirk and his lip quirks up in a small smirk at you, and his eyes twinkle with mischief and desire as his pupils slightly darken, “Smartass.” You winked at him, “You like it.”

“Damn right.” He said with his eyes unwavering from yours, and you felt every atom in your body spark to life. Joel’s heavy breathing stirred the tiny hairs on your neck, sending a shiver into every cell of your body. Ellie disrupted you both as she makes a disgusted groan, “If the two of you are done flirting can we please keep moving?” The heat of embarrassment rushed into your face, leaving you speechless as you decide to break away from his stare and keep marching forward.

“Look at that river. It’s crazy blue.” Ellie said then was immediately quiet after, somewhere between then and now irony slipped its way into her vocabulary, laughter became an anecdote for guilt, sacrifice grew to be a band name for shame and unnecessary death became a nightmare that rode her piggyback. At this point, the thought suddenly struck her, “Hey, Joel, Birdie… what if this is the River of Death?”

Joel grabs the map from his jacket pocket and unfolds it, checking to see if Ellie was right. The cold wind harshly bit into your skin as you three stared at the crystal blue river. At first, you couldn’t see them, but you could hear them—the snapping of twigs, the crunch of snow, and the clopping sound of horse hoofs. There were more than one, more than three, and they were closing in. Joel tried to grab you and Ellie to run, but they were too quick, and organized, and had you surrounded in seconds with their guns and rifles pointed at you. “Get behind me,” Joel said, slightly pushing both of you behind his tall frame. You all raised your hands up, and showed no sign of aggression, Joel shouts, “We ain’t lookin’ for any trouble. We’re just passin’ through.”

“Drop the gun,” the harsh voice ordered in front of you, Joel does as he’s told and so do you. “Both of you… take five steps back.” the man says, and Joel tries to reason with him, “How ‘bout we just talk this through?” And the unknown man unrelentingly replies, “How ‘bout you shut the fuck up?” Joel's shoulders tense, “Okay, easy.” He turns to both of you, Ellie has her eyes wide open and mouth slightly parted, her hands slightly quivering and you trying to steady your breathing, “You’ll both be okay.”

You follow the orders given to you and take five steps back and you hear the man ask, “You been near Infected?” And Joel replies, “There’s no Infected out here.” He doesn’t buy it one bit and retorts, “The hell there ain’t.” He whistles and you hear a short, abrupt vocalization, relatively loud and high-pitched, changes in frequency, the bark of an excited dog, “Last chance for a bullet. If you’ve been infected, he will smell it, and he will rip you up.”

The black large dog continues to bark and its handler removes his leash, he prances over to Joel, sniffing him up and down, jumps up to place his paws on his stomach, looks at him then whines, not finding any indication of the virus. The dog walks back over to his handler for a treat while Joel’s Texan accent becomes heavy, “Like I said… we’ll just move on.” The man still has his rifle pointed at you as he sits atop his horse, he nods over in your and Ellie’s direction, “Now both of them.”

Your heart drops, and you hear Ellie’s breathing become shaky. The flip in your stomach takes over all of your senses, you are frozen and unmoving as you watch the dog crouch lowly and growl at you and Ellie. Joel turns back to glance at you both and you’re worriedly looking at him. He turns around, not bringing himself to watch, the world becomes quiet, the silent ringing returns, and his lungs are clawing for air. It brings him back to that moment when the world took her away, his Sarah, the powerlessness and helplessness feeling that had followed him over the past twenty years. The weight of the world was placed on his shoulders that faithful day.

The sound of a high-pitched bark brings him back to the present, he hears you and Ellie giggle and turns to find you and her completely fine, happily rubbing and petting the dog as the creature licks and wags its tail. The man whistles and the dog is called away, you and Ellie stand up from the snow and hear the leader say, “You just bought yourself ten more seconds. What are you doin’ out here?” Joel quickly replies, “I’m just lookin’ for my brother. That’s all, nothin’ more.” A beautiful woman, whose skin was as rich and deep as any stately home mahogany, exclaims, “Ho!” And walks her horse forward, “What’s your name?” He answers breathlessly, “Joel.” And his name became the key, the password, and the answer, for them to escort you into their town.

You three were given and allowed to ride your own horses, the cold wind rushing past me. The sun’s rays of light are covered by the darkness of the clouds. Hooves, galloping along the plush white snow, the loud clopping and crunch fill your ears as you hold onto the reins. In the distance, you see a large wooden wall with a giant gate, men and women stationed on top, ready to shoot any intruders. One of the men raises a red bandana, a signal to one of the guards on watch.

The large gate opens for all of you, the horses begin to trot at a normal pace as you take in the sight of Jackson. Underneath you are fluffy, cold snow. The sounds of slush fill your ears. You watch as the misty fog escapes your mouth anytime you take a breath. Every time you inhale a frigid prickle enters your lungs and every time you exhale the heat from your breath warms your lips. Around you are naked trees covered in powder-white snow, glistening in the daylight. The town is neatly arranged, and it felt comfortable and safe. You spot the Tipsy Bison on the right, a location you recognized, then bring your eyes to observe the people around you. A thriving and collaborative community, stable enough to provide and care for the elderly and children.

You continue on forward, spotting Tommy on top of the scaffolding, helping with construction work. You angle your head to look at Joel as he shouts at the top of his lungs, “Tommy!” His brother stops what he’s doing to look at Joel, then he proceeds to run down the steps leading up to the scaffolding, Joel urgently dismounts from his horse, and the people around town watch as the two brothers reunite, a large impactful hug from the both of them, secure and firm. Their shoulders move up and down as the two laugh loudly, finally, all of the pieces align and the balance is clearly defined, he sighs and settles down for the first time.

Tommy smiles as he asks his older brother, “What the fuck are you doin’ here?” Joel looks at you and Ellie for a second before back to Tommy, replying, “I came here to save you.” Joel begins to laugh again, his chuckle a melody you’ve rarely heard before, a sound you keep in your back pocket just in case.

You bring your gaze to Ellie, whose expression is mixed and jealous, sensing that she’s now a bit less important in Joel’s life. You look back at the two brothers, turning down the volume of your heart, the massive table of countless dominos, all lined up and weaving in and out of each other, every relationship and decision in every piece of domino, subconsciously shrinking the row of dominos the best you can. Eliminating your opinions or wants and desires, convincing yourself that this will be simple by just focusing on the needs of everyone else but yourself. The only form of control you’ve had looks like empathy to understand all sides.

MESS HALL, JACKSON COUNTY, WYOMING – AFTERNOON

The mess hall was large, warm, and inviting. The indistinct chatter fills the giant wooden cabin, lightbulbs twinkling from above, and dining tables lined up neatly. Ellie was sat in between you and Joel, she is scarfing down her food, eagerly eating everything that was on her plate and so was Joel. You were meekly eating, trying to not draw attention to yourself, as you quietly chewed on your potatoes. “There’s more if you need it.” And you soon come to realize that this must be Maria, the way Tommy’s body language is drawn and pulled close to her, you smile when you hear Joel reply politely, “Thank you, ma’am.” And you also offer your thanks to her and she nods in your direction in acknowledgment. Joel cuts into his food as he says, “It’s been a while since we’ve had a proper meal.” Ellie pipes in, “Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever had a proper meal. This is fuckin’ amazing.” You wince in second-hand embarrassment and so does Joel, he turns to Maria, “Sorry. Ellie… let’s mind our manners.” Tommy smirks knowingly. At one moment, another girl furtively looks at Ellie, until Ellie loudly says “What?!” and scares her off. Joel’s lips turn down and his eyebrows furrow in confusion, “What’s wrong with you?” Ellie doesn’t relent, “What about her manners?”

“She was just curious. Kids around here don’t usually look or talk like you.” Maria points out and Ellie nods, “Right… well, maybe I’ll teach them. And I want my gun back.” Maria shakes her head, “They also aren’t armed.” The young brave girl glares at her in response, Tommy decides to step in, “You know what? Uh… I think maybe ya’ll got a little off on the wrong foot.” Ellie raises her tone and points out, “She was gonna have our guys kill us.” Joel gives her a pointed look, an indication for her to stop being disrespectful but Tommy calmly responds, “Well, we gotta be real careful about who we let in this place. But it’s all bark. We’re just trying to scare off those who might wanna try us is all.” Ellie nonchalantly says, “Well you got a couple of ninety-year-olds who shitting themselves out there.” You and Joel chastise her quickly, “Ellie.” But she doesn’t care, “They say that you leave dead bodies around?” Maria doesn’t deny the ugly truth, “Those are the people who tried us.” Tommy adds, “A bad reputation doesn’t mean you’re bad.” Maria narrows her eyes at Joel as she comments, “Not always, at least.” You feel your anger flare up from your chest as you grip your knife tighter, glaring at Maria for suggesting such a thing.

Joel swallows down his food and his shame, “Ma’am… we’re grateful for your hospitality and all. But it’d be nice to have a moment here, maybe just for family.” You place an elbow on the table, using your hand to hide your face in embarrassment as you squirm in your chair, you hear Tommy clear his throat, “Well um…” You peek past your hand and watch him grab Maria’s hand, spotting the wedding band on his left ring finger, “Maria is family, actually.” Ellie blinks in surprise as she says, “Oh, shit! Congrats.” You bring your eyes to Joel’s unmoving figure, frozen in shock from the sudden news as his breathing becomes unsteady, Ellie softly whispers to him, “Joel, say congrats.” The all-too-familiar cold tone is unmistakable as he grits his teeth to say, “Congrats.” There’s an awkward silence between the two parties, and you take a large gulp of your water and Tommy offers, “How ‘bout a tour.” You nod as you’re the first one to get up from your chair, not liking the possibility of conflict between the two brothers, “Yes, please.”

JACKSON, WYOMING – AFTERNOON

The town had a large plaza, and a giant vibrant Christmas tree in the center, Maria spoke as she walked, and the rest of you followed, “We settled here about seven years ago. Just a handful of us back then.” She points out a section of the town, “That section was already a gated community, so we built the rest of the wall out from there. Stopped most of the raiding parties, but we still find pockets of them.” Joel warily looks around, “And you said Infected?” Tommy nods, “Yeah, but usually in smaller colonies, wandered off from the cities. All this open country out there… it’s a turkey shoot. I still got my 700, but I found a variable power scope. Sub MOA. Can headshot those fuckers from half a mile out.”

“Can you teach me how?” Ellie asks and Joel is quick to respond for him, “No, he can’t. How do you keep this place quiet?” Maria replies, “Carefully. Being in the middle of nowhere helps. Not advertising what we have, staying off the radio.” Joel stares at his brother and Tommy shrinks away from his pointed look, you listen to Maria as she explains the purpose of each building, “House of worship, multifaith. School. Laundry. Old bank works as a jail, not that we’ve needed it.” Joel looks to one of the electric poles, “And you draw power from the dam?” Maria confirms his suspicion, nodding, “Got that workin’ a couple years ago. After that, sewage, plumbing, water heaters… lights.” Ellie shakes her head, seemingly impressed, “This place actually fuckin’ works.”

The group makes their way to the farm, and a herd of sheep passes by, and Ellie points it out as she smiles at him, “Hey, Joel, check it. Baa.” Ellie playfully swings her arms back and forth as she asks Maria, “Are you, like, in charge?” She looks at Tommy for a bit before replying, “No one person’s in charge. I’m on the council. Democratically elected, serving three hundred people, including children. Everyone pitches in. We rotate patrols, food prep, repairs, hunting, harvesting.” Tommy picks off where she left off, “Everything you see in our town… greenhouses, livestock, all shared. Collective ownership,” to which Joel replies, "So, uh, communism." Tommy's knee-jerk reaction is, "Nah. Nah, it ain't like that." His discomfort with the term pulls from over a century of distortion of the fundamental principles of communism. “It is that, literally. This is a commune. We're communists," Maria states modestly, to which Tommy’s discomfort at the thought causes him to stagger a bit, to which you offer, “I can try and explain it later.” Tommy nods in thanks and you give him a reassuring smile.

“No way!” Ellie exclaims as she makes her way to the stables, Maria trails behind her and you follow the two ladies, “That’s our newest one. Couple months old. You wanna pet her?” Ellie’s smile is as bright as the sun and her teeth as white as the snow beneath you, wide and happy, “Yeah, what’s her name?” Ellie asks to which Maria replies, “Shimmer.” Your smile falters a bit, recognizing the name from the second game, but you shake it off, not wanting to keep looking into the future. “Shimmer you’re so beautiful,” Ellie says as she pets the pony gently, completely enamored by her beauty and gentle grace. Maria turns to Tommy and discusses the possible sleeping arrangement, “Well, I’m sure they’d like a shower, some new clothes. We can put them in the empty house across the street from us.” Her husband nods in agreement, “Yeah. It’s a decent place. Pretty much untouched since the ‘03, but it’s got the heat goin’ in it. Could do worse.” Ellie carelessly remarks, “Oh, trust me, we have been.”

Joel has his eyes narrowed and annoyed, “We’ve been doin’ fine.” You get the slight feeling he’s being defensive, and Maria looks at you and Ellie, and tells her husband, “Well I’ll take her and Ellie over there if you two wanna catch up.” Tommy then looks to his older brother for approval and Joel nods, “Yeah. Okay.” You and Ellie whip your head to face Joel, slightly unnerved and fearful of the unknown, and potentially Joel pushing you both away. “Joel.” Ellie says and he brushes her off as he walks away, “You’ll be fine.” Maria asks the both of you, “Shall we?” And having no choice but to follow her you both nod, “Uh, yeah.”

THE RANCH, MASTER BEDROOM

JACKSON, WYOMING – AFTERNOON

The warm hot shower soothes your skin as you wash off the grime and dirt of the last few months. At some point, you had decided to sit down in the bathtub of the shower, letting the water hit your skin freely, your eyes distant and gaze unsteady as you watch the steam of the shower move to the light. You hug your knees close to your chest, rest your chin on your knees, and finally let yourself go.

The haze takes over your vision, a sculpture of water and unsettled dust, and your exhausted mind only wants to be carried home. So you fight with the concept of grace while attempting to hold everything in place. You were so full of life that you could barely hold it in. You were amateurs at war, strangers to suffering. Your questions ricochet like broken satellites. How did your bodies, born to heal, become so prone to die? Your nights have grown so long and now you beg for sound advice, time has been ruthless and unkind, every turn in the corner of the maze only to be faced with a dead end, the trapdoors you couldn’t see, and the lives that were lost to your journey to Jackson. You felt so vulnerable and fragile, the fact that the foundation of society was shaken to its core due to the pandemic, governments, families, and lives as you know them, will never be the same again. As life replayed, you hear the voice in the back of your mind proclaim, to let the brokenness be felt until you reach the other side.

The sting in your eyes as the tears escape from your eyes, allows for the cold embrace of the depression you’ve kept hidden and at bay for so long. Sometimes you pretend you are evergreen and keep your cards close to your chest. But this time you allow yourself the reprieve, as you quietly sob into your hands and gasp for air now and then, letting every little fracture of you shatter out loud. Wondering if your messes mattered and if all the chaos counted as you felt empty-handed. You had set sail along the universe's ocean of the unknown with cheap wood and tried to patch up every leak that you could until the blame grew too heavy.

You reflected on the world that you were unintentionally placed in, presenting the world through a different lens, a world that turned hostile and dangerous. But a story that explored how nevertheless you can still find love and meaning, the longing for human connections, and how willing you are to sacrifice everything to safeguard the people you love.

You hadn’t planned on it, the greater weight of the truth settling inside of you. Fundamental resilience and a built-in resistance, and against your judgment, prevent you from completely surrendering yourself from truly giving up on being human. You open your eyes and slowly rise to your feet, placing your palm on the wall, you blink and try to look past the undefined and fragile promise at the light at the end of the tunnel. You nod, shakily you breathe, and whisper to no one in particular, “I guess that’s how it goes.”

After the mental breakdown in the shower, you stepped out of the bathroom fresh and felt a little bit lighter. You lift your chin a little higher and open your eyes a little wider despite the puffiness in your eyes. You are wrapped in a towel, and as you make your way to the foot of the bed, you find fresh clean clothes to wear and a menstrual cup. You smile at the thoughtful gift and find a note, that reads ‘I’m just across the street. Come by when you’re done.’

You get dressed and make your way down the hall to Ellie’s room, you knock on her door and call for her, “Ellie? You there?” When no reply came, you slowly opened the door to find her gone and after investigating a little bit, you see a similar note from Maria. You figured she had already gone over. You leave her room and walk across the street to Maria’s house, knocking on the door and Ellie opening the door for you. You smile at her as you walk inside, appreciating the warmth already provided by the fireplace.

You take a good look at the living room, yellow curtains by the window, a messy coffee table with an unsolved crossword, and a large cozy couch facing the fireplace as it crackles and roars. Your eyes catch the small blackboard sitting on top of the fireplace with two candles on each side. Ellie walks over to it and you follow closely behind her as she stares up at the two names. Kevin and Sarah, with the dates, that they were born and taken away too soon from this world.

You let out an uneven exhale and feel your frown deepen, as the flashbacks of Joel’s life come back to you in a blur. The scream for mercy, watching him tear apart with each cry and wail from his hoarse voice. The day the world ended was the same day his world ended. Something broken that cannot be fixed. You both turn your heads to the sound of the back door opening, Maria enters bringing the cold wind with her until she closes the door behind her, “Oh, good. Just traded for these two. Go ahead, try it on.” She hands Ellie a deep purple long coat while yours is A sophisticated medium gray with the barest hint of violet. The young girl comments as she wears her purple puffer coat, “It’s, uh, super fuckin’ purple.” You bend down a little to help Ellie with her coat, fixing the collar and the lining, Maria nods, “Eggplant. It fits?” Ellie replies, “Yeah.” Maria continues to fuss over her as you put on your coat, “Shoes aren’t too big?” She answers, “Uh, no. Where’s our other stuff?” Maria lifts her shoulders, “Rag pile. Did you both get the thing I left you?” You merely nod while Ellie bluntly replies, “Yeah. Weirdest gift ever.” Maria nods in agreement but says, “But useful. Who’s been cutting your hair?”

“Uh, world-class salons,” Ellie says plainly and it earns a laugh from you and Maria, “Let me get my scissors.” Ellie’s mouth opens to protest but Maria doesn’t let her argue, “Trim. That’s all. Just the ends, I promise. And her too, she’ll go first so you can see that you have nothing to worry about.” Referring to you as she walks to the kitchen. You ruffle Ellie’s hair and whisper to her, “Just let her,” to which she sighs and takes a seat on one of the dining table chairs.

The trim was much needed. Maria had cut your hair in the style you wanted with such precision and skill. You happily thanked her with a polite smile, sat down on one of the other chairs, and let Ellie go next, of course, Ellie being the curious kid she is, begins to interrogate Maria, “So, this was, like, your job back then or something?” The sharp snips of scissors fill the silence for a bit before she answers, “No, I was an Assitant District Attorney out of Omaha, Nebraska. I put the bad guys in jail. I always liked doing hair though. Maybe it was a mom thing.”

“Damn, that’s pretty impressive.” You said and she gives you her thanks and asks, “What did you do for work?” Your smile falters, “Um, I used to be a researcher, a Quantum physicist.” The quiet was nice for a moment before she comments, “You both were looking at the little memorial Tommy made?” Ellie answers for the both of you, “Uh, yeah.” She stumbles on her words, “I’m- I’m sorry about your kids.” Your nails dig into your palm and listen to Maria reply, “It’s okay. And kid. Just Kevin. Sarah was Joel’s daughter.”The heavy silence that follows tells Maria that Ellie didn’t know that before, and you find it harder to breathe, “Oh, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, it’s okay. I guess that explains him a little,” Ellie says and she brings her eyes to you, “Did you know?” You squirm, the feeling of deja vu from when you first heard those words from Joel, the accusatory glance, and the betrayal in her eyes. “Yes,” You said and she scoffs at you, “Why? Why didn’t you say anything?” You pull back and raise your eyebrows at her, “You and I both know that was never my story to tell or share. No amount of knowledge will ever excuse the fact that I can never talk about what happened without Joel’s explicit consent.” Ellie resigns from her lashing out and nods at you with understanding, and you simply sighed. Maria chimes in, “Look, I’m not gonna ask you what you both are doing with him.”

“Good.” You and Ellie say at the same time, quickly protective of Joel but Maria continues with her statement, ��But there are clearly things you both don’t know about Joel.” You glare at Maria while the teen remains typically testy, “Oh, like how he used to kill people? We know about that.” Ellie rebukes with vigor and impresses Maria with it somewhat, “So then you understand my concern.” Ellie’s anger flares, “He doesn’t do that anymore.” And Maria is quick to question, “He stopped killing people?”

“Innocent ones. And Tommy did it, too. Are you worried about him?” she asks to which Maria’s lips form a thin line, “Tommy was following Joel. The way you both are.” Seemingly sees Joel as a bad influence, someone who pulls people into his orbit and leaves harm in his wake. “Well, maybe, we’re smarter than Tommy. No offense.” Ellie states and you sense distrust in Maria, “You are definitely smart. Both of you. You would have made a hell of a lawyer, Ellie.” The woman says as she puts away her scissors and stands in front of you and Ellie, “There’s a whole lot you’re not telling me.” None of you answer, to which Maria nods, “Good. Therein lies the point. Be careful who you put your faith in,” she warns you and Ellie. “The only people who can betray us… are the ones we trust.” Ellie clearly resents the advice and Maria’s distrust of Joel, perhaps because she senses there’s a good reason for it and none of you want to admit it.

“You understand?” Maria asks and you both hum in acknowledgment. “Now come on.” She says as she walks to remove the towel around Ellie’s shoulders, “Grab your super fuckin’ eggplant coat.” You allow yourself to laugh at the callback and get up from your own seat, shuffling to put on your gray coat to which you hear Ellie ask, “Where are we going?” Maria smiles, “The movies.” Ellie sighs and ties her hair back, while you say, “I’m actually gonna go for a walk. Get familiar with the surroundings. You okay to go by yourself, Ellie?” The brave teen nods, “Mhm. I’ll see you back at the house.”

“Tell me what you think of the movies later, okay?” You say and she smiles and agrees, “Okay.” You tuck your hands in the pockets of your coat, yelling a thank you and goodbye to Maria as you headed outside to the cold winter of Jackson.

MAIN STREET

JACKSON, WYOMING – SUNSET

You tried your best to help around as much as you could with the stables and the children, doing some work to pass the time. The clouds collected again around sunset, bringing an earlier night, and the snow began to fall straight and slowly from a sky devoid of wind, in a gentle universal dispersion more perplexing than the morning's blasts. It appeared to be a part of the growing darkness, the cold night itself falling on you layer by layer.

The amber glow of the string lights, the burn barrels doing their best to keep parts of the area warm, the steam following the wind but the bright glow of the fire emitting from inside shine through. Most people at this hour have already decided to go to the dining hall to watch the rest of the movie, but you continued to wander around the empty main street of Jackson.

The world is an outline of shapes you used to know, hidden in plain sight. The drapes suddenly pulled back slowly, as though pulling a ribbon. You've been distracted, but you're no longer trapped in the static. Despite the fact that your hands are prone to trial and error, you cross your fingers for anything to hold. Here in the shadows of letting go, you can't help but wish for a brighter future. You spot Ellie from a distance, her figure crouched down as she eavesdrops through the door of a nearby workshop. You tilt your head and quietly walk towards her, to which she still turns her head to you, lifting her finger on her lips indicating to be quiet. You decide to follow her request and crouch next to her, hearing Tommy and Joel quietly conversing with each other.

Joel started, “It was Marlene. She hired us to smuggle her to some Fireflies. It went bad. Tess got bit. She made me swear to take the kid. It was her dyin’ wish. What the hell was I supposed to do? We made it as far as K.C., and then… You know she saved my life there… from another kid. Birdie got hurt too… Five years ago, I would’ve destroyed him. But she had to shoot him to save me. Fourteen years old. Because I was too slow and too fuckin’ deaf to hear him comin’.” You shudder at the reminder and the two of you listened as Joel broke, bit by bit, his voice started to quiver, “And Birdie had to protect Ellie 'cause I asked her to… and she didn’t even have the experience or skill that I had… I saw… I saw a man kill his own brother… to save her, while I just watched. And today I thought that dog was gonna tear both of ‘em apart because it smelled somethin’ on them.”

“And all I did was stand there. I couldn’t… move. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I just… I was so afraid.” Joel’s breathing was ragged as he spoke, his mind racing with worst-case scenarios, “You think I can handle things, but… I’m not who I was. I’m weak.” He believes he bears little resemblance to the man he once was or could become. No action hero, he admits to being far less capable of recognizing and reacting to threats than he used to be, and to sometimes being paralyzed by fear. You slowly start to feel your eyes sting again as you hear the tremble in his voice, the brokenness you’re all too familiar with, “Lately, there are these moments where the fear comes up outta nowhere, and… my heart… feels like it’s stopped. And I have dreams. Every night.”

“What kinda dreams?” Tommy asks, and you listen to the triggered tripwire every time he breathes, the tremble in his voice gives you that he was beginning to cry, “I don’t know. I can’t remember. I just know that when I wake up… I’ve lost somethin’.” You allow your own tears to fall, covering your mouth to cover your whimpers as you listen to him admit, “I’m failin’ in my sleep. That’s all I do. It’s all I’ve ever done is fail them again and again.” Tommy states, “You want me to take them.” And Joel continues to cry as he says, “I’m just gonna get them killed. I know it. I have to leave them.” Tommy tries to call his name to calm him, “Joel.”

“I mean, it’s why you took off on me, right? To make up for the things we did?” Joel asks with a clear glaze in his eyes, he begs his younger brother, “Well, here’s your chance to bring your kid into a better world. You’re younger than me. You’re still strong. You said it yourself, you’ll come back. You have to take her. You have to give Birdie… that sweet, smark, and kind girl, a chance to live a life here. A normal life here. Please.”

You take Tommy’s silence as agreement and the tears fall from your cheeks as you try to muffle your cries. Joel breathes, “And you can’t tell anyone, not even Maria. Tommy, you’re the only one I trust. If anyone else sees those bites on her, on them both, what’s under their skin… they’ll shoot them. It’s the last thing I’ll ever ask of you. I swear.”

“I’ll take her out at dawn.” You hear Tommy say and Joel sigh of relief. You feel Ellie tug your coat sleeve, indicating you need to leave before they realized you had heard the entire conversation.

THE RANCH, MASTER BEDROOM

JACKSON, WYOMING – NIGHT

None of you spoke as the two of you walk into the night, heading back to the temporary house that they had provided. You opened the door for Ellie and she ran straight up to her room, while you walked up the steps to the master bedroom. You quietly shut your door sitting on the edge of the king-sized bed, you sniffed and try to will yourself to stop crying. You stared blankly at the floor as you swung your feet, patiently waiting and deciding what to do next.

The options you had were limited to figuring out how to get back to your previous observable universe or facing the truth about how you felt for Joel and your fondness for Ellie as if she were your own daughter. This meant admitting that you also needed to discuss what you wanted with Joel. To wake up and wage war with this gravity that has been holding you back for almost all of your life, the epiphany of finding so much worth fighting for, and either way all the lines of dominos will fall and cascade.

You were too in your head to hear the shouting from across the hall, the argument between Joel and Ellie, a crucial turning point in the central relationship. You hear the bits and pieces of their yelling and arguing, “You have no idea what loss is,” is a pretty awful thing for him to say. And in both, she tells him that everyone she’s ever cared about has either died or left her, “Everyone—fucking except for you. So don’t tell me that I would be safer with someone else because the truth is that I would just be more scared.” Joel’s painful response, “You’re right, you’re not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your dad.” You flinch at that, “Now, come dawn… we’re goin’ our separate ways.” Then you hear the loud slamming of the door of Ellie’s room, and your own frown deepens, you feel your heart race, as if you feel the climb of the track of the rollercoaster, building you up and then taking you back. It’s a while before Joel decides to go to the bedroom, he had decided to sit in the living room to remember Sarah one last time before letting her go.

You anticipate Joel’s footsteps, the thud of each step, and hear your door open. Joel finds you sitting at the edge of the bed, hunched over, your hands shaking in your lap as you try and hold yourself together. The quiet dim glow of the yellow lamp by the bedside table illuminates your features. You don’t look at him as he calls your name, you choose to look at the floor, he tries again, softer, “Birdie…” You only blink in response, the only indication that you heard him at all, you hear him step a little closer to you, “How much did you hear?” In a barely audible response, you shakily whisper, “All of it.”

Joel began, “Birdie… it’s for the best if we–” You cut him off before he could even finish, sharply turning your head at him as you stood up, “Joel I can’t… I can’t keep doing this.” He feels breathless as he registers what you said, “What?” You blink back the tears and try to look him in the eye, a little more alive as you let the scale tip and feel all of it rushing through you like a restless river stream, you feel your chest expand as you breathe and say, “If you don’t want me… if you don’t feel anything for me. Just say it and tell me now and I’ll figure out how to get back home on my own. ‘Cause I can’t keep going like this… dancing around you and pretending I don’t have feelings for you.”

You shake your head, “I’ve spent my whole life asking and searching for the impossible and none of it made any sense to me… And then I… I found you and Ellie. For the first time, I felt whole.” Your hand clenches near your chest as you utter, “Was I just delusional or imagining things? ‘Cause all of this… push and pull is hurting me. Do you even want me?” Joel steps a little closer as he says, “Yes.” And you look up at him and take one step back, “Then… why? And don’t you fucking dare make it an age-gap excuse or I will kick you in the balls Miller.”

He stumbles over his words, “I’m afraid. I’m so, so, afraid Birdie. That I could fail to protect you, Sweet Girl. The light that you give, the kindness you’ve shown, I’m scared I might taint it. Take away something so good in this world. You deserve so much more than what I could give.” Your face pinches in frustration and tears fall down your face, your cheeks warm and eyes puffy from all the sobbing, “Don’t I get a say?” And he’s quick to tell you, “Of course you do.” You scoff and angrily wipe your eyes. You pause and take a good look at the man in front of you, it's a fire and a goddamn blaze in the dark and he started it, you say from across the room, “Then let me choose you, Joel. Please, please, don’t leave me here.” He’s quiet as he takes in your words, and you continue, it’s uncomfortable but right, you say, “I don’t care about what was written about in your history. In the end, I want more than the life that I choose, and I want it to be with you.”

The silence that fills the room is one of heaviness and anticipation. The churning fear that pours out of you, and the inheritance you did not seek or ask for. You watch as Joel breathes heavily at your confession, taking his time to process what you said and felt for him. Someone who he deemed no longer worthy of receiving love. Slowly, you show him who he is and who he could be, and try to initiate the heart, bringing himself to let it open up properly. All of a sudden, you changed his mind and pulled back the curtains a little at a time.

You were on a frequency, the perfect opposite of him. Though he never needed any proof to trust the heart that beats inside of you. He can't keep his head from spinning out of control, but he will try to breathe ‘til it becomes muscle memory. He’s only steady on his knees, but maybe with you, he’ll one day stand on his own two feet. To struggle gracefully and let the scaffolding inside of him be strong enough to hold his tired body up once more.

He licks his bottom lip out of nervousness, and directly looks you in the eye, “I want you, Birdie.” You feel the rush of heat through your body, and stutter, “W-What?” His gaze darkens as he looks at you with need and desire, seemingly made up his mind to just give in, to let himself want and need you. “I said, I want you Birdie. Will you be mine?” He takes a step closer to you and you stay frozen, eventually, he’s towering over your frame, his eyes so dark you can no longer see the honey-brown eyes you were familiar with. You can’t help it. You’re drawn in by the force and pressure of the tempest building in those damnable eyes. Your heart is loud as a drumline, the thumping noise and heat in your ears as you feel the magnetic pull into his warmth, you feel his breath against your lips as you whisper, “Yes.”

That’s all it took, and with slow deliberation looks at you up and down. His inspection seems to last for hours, though it must take only seconds. The air between you crackles, and you want to move toward him, to close the gap between you. But you stay rooted to the spot, waiting for him. He lingers for a moment on your lips before finally lifting his head to meet your eyes, and his lips meet yours. You didn’t grow up, we grew in, like ivy wrapping, molding each other into perfect yins and yangs. You kissed with mouths open, breathing his exhale into your inhale. You could have survived underwater or outer space, breathing only the breath you traded.

You felt his warm rough large hands bring one hand to your waist and the other to cup the side of your cheek as he kissed you. You felt the tickle of his facial hair on your cheek, and each breath and groan vibrated throughout your body. You wrapped your arms around his neck, running your fingers rhythmically through his salt-and-pepper hair. Happily sighing breathlessly as he continues to kiss you dizzy. Like a whiskey, you can feel it he hits so strong but tastes so sweet.

The rush and thrill consumed you, the slick wetness between your thighs and his hands moving to cup and grab at your ass causing you to gasp in pleasure, to which Joel decides to pull your bodies closer ‘til no space lies in between. His presence was too powerful, his scent too all-consuming. It crowded your lungs, filling them with clean earthiness and rich spices. When you were around him, it was easy to lose myself, no matter how upset you were.

When he carefully dropped himself to the ground, the movement was both proud and obedient. His breath brushed over your skin. “Do you want this?” His fingers ran down the back of your leg, leaving a path of heat in their wake. Your thoughts were jumbled, but you had enough sense to realize this wasn't about sex. It was all about being vulnerable. It was a landmark event disguised as insignificant and distilled into one phrase. “Yes.” That was both demand and submission, a groan and a gasp. Joel exhaled. He carried you to the plush bed in the center of the room, appreciating everything you could give him. Clothes were quickly removed, and he stripped you down to your barest form while he kept his boxers on, an evident hard-on showing but choosing to take care of you first.

His palms burned as they parted your thighs. He’d barely touched you, and you were already on fire. You tipped your head back, drowning in arousal, heat, and lust and the reverence of his touch as he kissed his way up your thigh. His stubble rasped against your skin and sent tiny shocks of pleasure down your spine. As he separated your thighs, his palms seared. He hadn't even touched you yet, but you were still immediately burning. As he nibbled his way up your thigh, you threw your head back, reveling in pleasure, heat, lust, and the devotion of his touch.

“I'm sorry I offended you…” A gentle kiss at the fine line where your thigh meets your leg and persistent heat. “For attempting to drive you away…” Your underwear was removed and tossed to the side as he softly stroked your clit with his tongue. When he dragged your clit into his lips and sucked, his abrasive words mingled with your scream. Your body arched away from the bed. He began to worship you with his lips, hands, and tongue as your hands dug into his hair and you could barely hang on. Joel was rigid but beckoning. Delicate but sinful. You felt a new rush of pure sensation with every movement. Your chest and the base of your spine are both under pressure at the same time. You were soaring high solely on passion and desire, out of breath. He backed away and lightly touched your delicate clit with his teeth. He inserted two fingers into you and plunged and curled them as you wilted carelessly.

Your body was familiar to him. Knew precisely what you wanted, how to operate it like a well-tuned guitar, and even what buttons to press and where to press them. He stroked your G-spot while simultaneously pressing his thumb into your clit. When Joel stood up, his chest heaving, the strain was dizzying as your orgasms ripped through you and your moans were still echoing in the air. He gently kissed your lips as he leaned forward on top of you, bracing his hands on each side of your head.

When you kissed him and cherished the flavor of the kiss, leisurely threads of need twisted inside you. Like desperation flavored with desire and soothed with compassion, robust and rich. You explored and licked the inside of his mouth as you panted. He moaned in hunger and want, “Birdie…” Your hands roamed, your hearts pounding in sync and your kisses growing in intensity until the heat became too much to bear.

He took off his boxers and you flipped both of you over with the help of gravity, and you gradually sank into him, taking him in, inch by inch until he was buried deep inside of you. Hitting deeper, and tasting sweeter. You rocked against Joel as his hands held onto your hips. A delightful pressure swelled inside of you, rising higher and higher until your head was distorted with lust. Sweat misted your skin. Moans filled the air. He was certainly straining to hold back, but he made no move to take control as you both experienced toe-curling orgasms at the same time. When Joel brought you down for a kiss, the second, smaller climax that the overpowering intimacy of the moment had triggered was still reverberating through you.

Your eyes are half-lidded as you pull away from the kiss and look at Joel, who’s heavily panting, breathless, and in awe of you. Joel flips you both over, and your back hits the mattress. He kisses you again, still, inside of you, you are still sensitive from your previous orgasm and cry out, “I can’t…” He pants and groans, “Yes you can sweet girl. You can do it. One more for me Birdie.” He’s hitting deeper and quicker as you try to squirm away from him but all he does is pin you down, grabbing your hands to lock them above your head, causing you to scream and cry out in pleasure. “You’re doing so well. You’re such a good girl.” He praises, and everything feels and sounds amplified, every thrust his hips make, the sounds of slick wet skin slapping together, each grunt and moan mixing and blending between you both finally brings you and him over the edge. He pulls out and paints your stomach while you clench and moan throughout your release.

He folds over atop you, his weight is a welcoming feeling, like a large protective blanket. You’re running your fingers through his hair as he continues to catch his breath and you hum happily, “You good cowboy or do you need a wheelchair?” He grunts, “Haven’t done that in a while. Cut the man some slack.” You laugh loudly and kiss the side of his forehead and he sighs with contentment. After a while, he rolls off of you, pulling you closer to his side, peppering your neck and cheek with kisses, “I’m goin’ to get a clean towel to clean us up.” You nod as he gets up, walks over to the bathroom, comes back with a clean rag, and wipes off the slick between your thighs and stomach.

He sets the cloth aside and climbs back in bed with you, tossing the blanket over both of your bodies, gripping your hips, and pulling you close. You kiss him again, just because you can and both of you are smiling widely at each other. You take a deep breath and close your eyes as you place your forehead on top of his, and Joel grumbles, “I should have pulled out earlier.” To which you yawn, “I have an IUD, it’ll expire in ten years.” Joel’s mouth opens, “You have a… oh right.” You laugh, “Yep. So I can keep riding you, my cowboy.” He smacks your ass and kisses you again as you yelp in surprise, “Keep talkin’ like that and we’re not gonna get any sleep tonight.” You roll your eyes in response but smile up at him.

The quiet between you two is comforting and allows you to rest your eyes, no awkwardness, just a blistering moment of peace. The night sky once ruled your imagination and you used to turn the dials with careful calculation. After a while, you thought you'd never find him and convinced yourself that you would never find him.

Then suddenly, he saw you through telescopes and calculations, the far was pulled so near. You opened your eyes to find yourself under his warm gaze, trying to memorize every feature as if you were constellations in the night sky. But the looming threat that hangs over you makes an appearance in the dark corner of the back of your mind, you whisper, “Joel.” He hums in acknowledgment and you continue, “You should give Ellie a choice. She also has every right to choose too.” He’s quiet for a moment before he sighs agreeing, “Yeah… Been thinking about it a while ago before you jumped my bones.” You smack his shoulder, “I did not!” To which he kisses you breathlessly, “I’ll give her the choice tomorrow.” You nod and cup the side of his face and he says to you so quietly, “We have a long way to go.” To which your eyes softened and kissed the tip of his nose, “Yes, but look how far we’ve come.”

THE RANCH, MASTER BEDROOM

JACKSON, WYOMING – EARLY MORNING

In the morning you don’t say it as both of you wake up to your bodies closely tangled with each other. His heavy arms are wrapped around your waist and his legs are inserted with yours as he kisses the back of your neck. Continuing to worship your entire being. You both had woken up early, sharing the water in the shower, to which you had both agreed you needed to save water, but it was just an excuse to keep touching each other.

By the time you both got out of the hot shower, you both got dressed and made your way to the stables. The chirping of birds brings you to smile at yourself as you brush your horse, preparing to leave. “You came here to say goodbye or something?” Ellie asks the both of you, causing you to look away from the task and tilt your head and smirk as Joel replies, “No. We came here to steal the horses and go.” To which Tommy says, “I woulda given you them.” And Joel replies with, “I know,” He sniffs and walks to Ellie before continuing, “Anyway… that was thirty minutes ago, and I guess… you deserve a choice. I still think you’d be better off with Tommy…” It’s no surprise that Ellie shoves her bag at Joel, “Let’s go.” He blinks and you laugh as he answers, “Okay.”

Both of you exit the stables with your horses, Joel helps Ellie mount his horse and you mount your own horse. “General direction?” Joel asks his brother, “Head southeast til you hit I-25. It’s right off the interstate. Shouldn’t be hard to miss.” He nods at Tommy before they both pull each other into a hug. They pull away and Tommy says, “There’s a place for you here… All three of you.” Joel gruffly says, “Countin’ on it.” And he spots Tommy’s rifle swung across his shoulder, “Can I borrow that?” Tommy nods, “Yeah.” But Joel continues to talk, “‘Cause Maria took mine.” Tommy throws him a look, “I already said yes, Joel. Adios, big brother.”

The large wooden gate’s latch is lifted open as your two horses trot through the snow. Exiting the safe, gated, community of Jackson. Your journey continues through the wilderness of Wyoming. The cold chilly air creates goosebumps at the back of your neck as you ride your horse past the tall emerald-green trees.

After a couple of hours of riding, Joel decides to teach Ellie how to shoot with the rifle. The sound of loud gunshots rings out as Ellie misses the main target. She sighs and Joel comments, “Wide right. You’re flinchin’.” You stand behind the two, enjoying the view of Joel and Ellie having some time together. Ellie shakes her head at him, denying, “The target’s too small.” Joel harrumphs at her, “I made it bigger than I should’ve. Eject the cartridge.” She does as she is told, and said, “I am not flinching.” Joel hums, “Mm-mhm.” Ellie doesn’t let up, “The rifle just sucks.”

“Okay, give it,” Joel said and Ellie gives it to him and whines, “It doesn’t aim right.” Joel only hums again, “Mm-hmm.” And Ellie frowns as she lifts her binoculars, “You’ll see.” They swap places and Joel grunts as he adjusts the rifle, “A deep breath in, slow breath out.” The girl sighs and Joel glances behind him to look at you, “You squeeze the trigger like you love it.” Your face warms at the memory of what happened last night and what he could be insinuating. You try to hide your smile, he winks at you and then looks to the scope, his voice getting deeper, “Gentle… steady… nice and slow.” Ellie drops her binoculars and groans, “You gonna shoot this thing or get Birdie pregnant? ‘Cause holy shit you guys were loud.” You choke on air at the same time Joel looks at Ellie shamelessly before looking back at the scope with his finger on the trigger. Ellie shakes her head, continuing to be in denial, “It isn’t gonna work. It doesn’t aim right.” A gunshot rings out, and it's a perfect headshot. “You dick.” Ellie says while Joel just smirks smugly and turns to look at you, “Birdie would know.” You throw your head and hands up in exasperation, “I fuckin’ can’t with you two.”

Wind bustled through the branches of the trees, making the leaves howl in their symphony. The horses trot through the snow, as the three of you make your way to the University of Eastern Colorado. The silence is no longer present, only filled by Ellie’s questions and Joel's answers. You occasionally input your own thoughts and ideas, correcting Joel when needed, but otherwise, you let yourself watch them form a connection that Joel was so afraid of.

“So the way they ran stuff in Jackson, was how things used to be?” Ellie asked, and Joel replies, “No. The country was too big for that. Back then, there were basically two main ways of lookin’ at things. Some people wanted to own everything. And some people didn’t want anyone to own anything at all.” Ellie hums, “Which one were you?” And you hear Joel reply, “Neither. I just did my job.” To which you chuckled, knowing that Joel has always tried to stay neutral in anything, it’s more efficient that way.

“Which was… building?” Ellie asks, and Joel confirms her guess, “That’s right. Houses, stores, that kinda thing. We were called ‘contractors’.” The teen mocks his voice, trying to deepen it, “The contractor. That’s pretty cool.” Joel smiles, his lips quirking a bit to the right, “Yeah. We were cool. Everybody loved contractors.” You rolled your eyes at Joel, letting him off the hook and not wanting to correct him at all.

The days go by and you three have been closer than ever. Joel and Ellie discuss the basics and rules of football while you hum to yourself the new song stuck in your head. Enjoying the sight of Joel and Ellie laughing and smiling over mundane topics, feeling your heart more full than ever before. A part of you that had been missing so long, a family you didn’t even know existed, a family you now found.

Further down the road, you pass by the sign indicating to take the I-25. “Well, how ‘bout that? Made it in five days.” Ellie adds, “Easy days. I don’t know what Tommy was so afraid of.” Joel’s mouth curls downwards, “Still time to find out.” To which Ellie mimics his baritone voice, “Still time to find out,” she then creepily whispers, “The Contractorrrr.”

The horses snort and huff as its hooves clop and trot on the pavement of the road. You make your way to the entrance of the deserted university, Ellie says aloud, “Home of the Big Horns. What does that mean?” And you answer, “It was their team mascot. It’s a kind of sheep.” Ellie smiles up at Joel, “Oh, see? One step closer to your dream. Don’t see any Fireflies, though.” He forms a hypothesis, “They’re probably in the middle. Safer.” He nods and leads, “This way.”

Joel has his rifle ready with one hand on the reins. The campus is eerily empty and quiet as your horses trot on the grounds. “So these places… people would live here and, like, what? Got to classes and stuff?” And you nod, “Yup. Sometimes even do research, like me.” She points out, “Even though they were adults.” Yours and Joel’s voices blended together as he answered, “Sort of adults.” While you said, “They were fake adulting.”

“I think it was just as much about partying and findin’ themselves as anythin’ else. Figuring what they wanted to do with their lives.” Joel plainly puts, and Ellie chuckles, “What they wanted to do with their lives.” To your happy surprise, your ears perk up when Joel says, “So I’ve been thinkin’.” You and Ellie urge him to continue, “I don’t want a sheep ranch, actually. I mean, if the deal is I can do anything?” And Ellie nods, “That’s the deal.” He faces the road ahead with a gaze so soft you barely recognized him, “Well… when I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer.” Ellie laughs while you smile widely at him, teeth showing and cheeks pinched upwards, the kid says, “Shut up.” While you say, “Come on Cowboy, let’s hear it. Serenade me.”

“No, you’re both already laughin’.” He grumpily replies, his eyebrows knitted together, and both you and Ellie protest, “Well, you’re singing for me later. I’m gonna save the fuckin’ world, man. It’s the least you could do for me.” Joel relents, “Fair enough. Birdie, what about you? Have you changed your dream yet?”

You smiled at the two people you’d gotten close with over the past few months, the unlikely bond you now were a part of, “I have everything I need right here, what else would I need to dream about?” you said. The two of them looked at you, wide-eyed and breathless at your statement. How funny it is to think, we only notice light when darkness crashes against it. The melody you carry is the strength while they come undone and the aftermath that makes them new.

Content with your answer, you trot forward with your horse and you three stumble upon a troop of monkeys that presumably escaped from a lab, Ellie exclaims excitedly, “Are those monkeys?” The troop proceeds to run away as Joel says, “Must be from the old labs.” The young girl laughs, “Look at them go.” Joel glances at her and asks, “First time seein’ a monkey?” Ellie parrots as a reply, “First time seein’ a monkey.”

“Lookit.” Joel points out to spot a Firefly symbol, “Here we go.” Ellie says, and your head in the direction of the research lab. As you arrive at what looks to be the entrance to the lab, “Guard stations.” Ellie states and Joel hums, “Mhm. No guards.” Ellie is unnerved and wary, she asks to take out her gun, and Joel allows it.

You dismount your horse and tie it to the tree, Joel and Ellie do the same. You arm yourselves as you walk inside the lab. The sound of your footsteps echoes in the deserted building, you look to the ground to see documents and masks littering the concrete floor. “There were definitely doctors here,” Ellie says looking at the test tubes and you spot a brown file on top of the metal trolly. You lift the cover of the folder, peeking at the papers, your eyes skimming over the words while lifting up the yellow sheet of paper, “This is a packing list. They moved out of here.” Ellie’s eyebrows furrow, “They just left?”

And on cue you hear the sound of metal clanging from upstairs, your heads whip up in the direction of the noise, and Ellie remarks, “Maybe not all of them.” Joel takes the lead as you make your way up the stairs, hearing the clanging sound getting louder. Joel finds the specific door to where the noises were coming from, and he readies his pistol, slowly pushing the door open, slightly creaking as it does, to be followed by a high-pitched screech.

Two monkeys hop out of the room through the window, screeching at you for disturbing them. You all lower your weapons and survey the area. You snort at the fact it was so anti-climactic for nothing, Joel utters, “Well… at least it ain’t Clickers.” And Ellie mumbles, “Yeah, no Fireflies either. Maybe in all that research, they turned into fuckin’ monkeys.” You and Joel sense her disappointment, her need for reformation, and ways she could be better in her mind.

You look through the medical equipment and research notes, trying to look for clues to where the group of researchers transferred. Joel approaches the large wooden corkboard, a map of the United States is on display along with notes pasted on the side. You and Ellie walk up next to Joel to analyze the pins pushed in the lines that trace along the roads leading to the center. “That’s where they went?” Ellie said, pointing out St. Mary's Hospital, located in Salt Lake City, Utah. Joel nods, “All the pins lead there. Maybe gettin’ ahead of the weather… better facilities? I don’t know.” The joy in you vanishes against your will. The light goes out and your heart goes still, and just like that, you believe in ghosts.

But then, the trio hears voices. Looking out the window, Joel sees four men armed with weapons, they were raiders. You were weighed down by dread, the flutter of fear in your stomach causes your palms to sweat and tremble. You needed to get out of here and fast. Joel quietly tells you both, “Out the back.” You run down the steps and find the back door, your guns are drawn as you stealthily make it back to your horses, staying ever vigilant. You’re a few steps away from your horses, Joel turns to you both asking in a hushed tone, “Ready?” And you both nod, “Yeah.”

You run to your own horse while Ellie and Joel untie theirs. Something caught your eye in your peripheral vision, a blur of a shadow, and you turn to see a man carrying a baseball bat, lifting it while running at Joel. Ellie screams his name out while you ran towards the attacker, the baseball bat breaks as he tries to hit you but instead strikes a tree. You didn’t think, you just acted, protecting the two people who kept you safe for the majority of your journey. Shoving him with as much force as you could, the raider hits the tree, and Joel comes to your aid, grabbing the raider to break the man’s neck.

You didn’t even realize it until Joel had turned around, in the struggle, the sharp wooden hilt of the bat is stuck inside his abdomen, blood seeping out through the jacket. Ellie’s eyes grow wide in horror and Joel looks down, and grunts as he pulls out the sharp hilt of the bat, you scream, “No, don’t!” But you were too late, and Ellie yells your name, “Birdie you’re also bleeding!” You look down at your own abdomen to find a large slash across it, the maroon blood dripping on the freshly fallen snow, you direct Ellie, “Get Joel on the horse now. We need to leave before…” You hear yelling from a distance and you aim and shoot at the raiders with one hand as the other clutches your stomach while Ellie helps Joel up and back onto the horse.

You use all the strength that you have and pull yourself up to your horse, following Ellie as she shoots them back with you, she yells, “Get back!” And you three were in time to get away from all the other raiders coming. After a few minutes, you three have managed to make it to a safe distance from the attackers, “They’re not following us, I think we’re safe.” Joel doesn’t reply, and Ellie voices her concern as her voice rises as she says yours and Joel’s name.

He’s the first one to collapse from his horse, and you go toppling down as well. You feel the plush landing of the pile of snow, Ellie immediately comes both to your sides, and she says in distress, “Fuck! Shit, no, no no.” The cold weather mixed with the blood loss you were both dealing with were not the best conditions for either of you. “Joel, Birdie, open your eyes come on.” You bring your tired eyes to the girls and cough out to Ellie, “Place pressure on his abdomen and drag him using his sleeping bag, the rope, and the horse Leave me here and find someplace warm.” Ellie can feel her eyes sting and her vision goes blurry, it feels like bittersweet poetry. You softly grab your hand, “Listen to me. Ellie.” She tries to shake her head but you gritted your teeth, the adrenaline had begun to fade and you were beginning to feel the sharp pain across your stomach, you grunt and squeeze her soft small hands, “Ellie, remember what I asked you to promise? Go. Please, save him.”

It had been a campfire night out in the woods at the university and Joel had fallen asleep again during watch. You had both been talking about mundane things, to your hobbies and what you missed about home, to ask about what her life was like in FEDRA school, at one point you realized that there would be a difficult decision to make and that you needed to prepare her just in case it might occur. You didn’t memorize everything from the game, but you knew damn well there would be a possibility that you and Joel might get injured and Ellie would have to choose.

You grab her hand, abruptly stopping her from her previous sentence, and look her in the eye, “Ellie. There will be a time when you have to choose between me and Joel. In the event we both get badly injured, you need to save Joel, no questions asked.” The teen tries to protest but you silence her, leaving no room for argument, “Joel will protect you better than I ever could, we both know that. You need him more than me, I’ve been alone for almost all of my life… this is nothing new, but you… you are something so special. You must choose Joel for your sake, do you understand?” Ellie’s lips form a thin line, and stubbornly she shakes her head, “No. I’ll save you both. Just you watch.” Your eyes soften at her naiveness and hope, “You can’t save everyone, Ellie. So, I know it’s unfair to ask you this, but I need you to promise me to save him when it comes down to it.” Her eyes begin to water as she reluctantly tells you, “Okay.”

In a voice so broken and vulnerable, you hear Ellie whisper into the cold air as she puts pressure on Joel’s wound and looks at both of you, “I can’t fuckin’ do this without you. I don’t know where the fuck I’m going, what the fuck I’m gonna do. Joel, Birdie.” You give her a small smile, “Ellie, sometimes, just getting up and carrying on is brave and magnificent. Keep going, Ellie.” She sniffs and she lets tears slip down her cheeks, you keep smiling as you use the rest of your strength to lift your hand to cup her cheek, wiping away the tears, “It’s okay. It’s okay, Ellie. This was where I was meant to be. Thank you, Ellie, remember that you are loved.”

You feel your vision begins to fade and drop your hand from Ellie’s cheek, letting your head rest on the plush snow, no longer looking at the teen, you tearily look up to feel the snowflakes gently fall on your face. You distantly hear Ellie drag Joel and tie him up on the sleeping bag as a makeshift sled. Your eyelids begin to feel heavy and start to droop, you turn your head to see Joel struggling to open his eyes, seeing your freezing, bleeding-out body staining the white cold snow. Joel cries out your name, pleading, “Birdie. Wait. No. Please…”

You look up at the bright gray sky, blinking and slowly beginning to only hear muffled sounds. Your horse decides to rest next to you, knowing what was about to happen, cuddling your bleeding-out body, and staying with you til the end. You decide that this was the best way to go, protecting and shielding the people you loved as much as you could. So you hum carols softly, as sweet as you know, a prayer that our burdens will lift as you go.

Previous Chapter -> Next Chapter

END NOTES:

AGAIN MY BAD FOR THE HUGGGEEE DELAY – I 1000% blame the jet lag since I just flew out to somewhere on the East Coast! Sorry, ya’ll! T^T (Also the fuckin 5 hours of sleep, I am running on fumes rn)

YAY YOU KISSED AND SLEPT TOGETHER WOW GOOD JOB

UR OFFICIALLY HIS GIRL *confetti*

Holy fucking shit that was sO HARD TO WRITE

OKAY NOT BECAUSE I WAS UNCOMFY WRITING IT CHILL– its um, cuz, miss gorl here has never been properly kissed or um had a boyfriend lol so take a freaking guess to why

So writing a romance scene reALLY REALLY TESTED MY KNOWLEDGE, PATIENCE, AND HECKING ALL THE ROMANCE BOOKS I’VE READ PLEASE I WAS CLAWING MY WAY THROUGH THE ENTIRE TIME

I hope it wasn’t too awful or unrealistic :,))

HORRAY FOR FINALLY FACING YOUR FEAR AND VOICING OUT UR NEEDS AND WANTS GOOD JOB HERE HAVE A COOKIE

FUCK JOEL GOT STABBED MF

YOU ALSO GOT INJURED?? AGAIN?? WTF IS WRONG WITH U *bonk* ARE U DEAD OH NO? WTH!?!?1

ALSO MF PEDRO PASCAL IF I EVER MEET YOU I MIGHT HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN IN FRONT OF YOU AFTER YOU DESCRIBED PTSD SO WELL WTF– ahem, I have PTSD and I’ve never seen me represented properly in any television series or movies. It’s always (usually) war veterans yk (CALM DOWN— CHILL PRETTY VALID AND PRETTY DAMN FUCKIN TRAUMATIC) But as someone who has PTSD and yk hasn’t been to a literal war it’s a bit harder to connect or relate to it (im not fucking whining, I’m just telling you my experience with PTSD) But the way Pedro showed it— fuck man. It was like staring at a mirror. My own brokeness represented in one episode. I felt so seen for the first time.

BUT THIS ONE, MF PEDRO U DESERVE ALL THE AWARDS

yay for Maria and Tommy! Such cuties congrats on the baby!!

someone should probably help me find a boyfriend— idk i Need research for smut :DD (this is a joke please don’t)

This chapter was wAYYYU more personal and intimate to write about. I just needed to do this right for my sake and others.

Sorry for the delay! The smut part was a little bit intimidating to write since yk I have zero experience with it LMAO

Thank you for sticking with me and I look forward to all of your comments and feedback! It gives me an idea if im doing this right and opportunity to connect with all of you! I LOVE YOU GUYS SOSOS MUCH AND OFF TO EP 7 I GO AHHHHH

Grace

#uneven odds joel miller #unevenodds #uneven odds #unevenoddstaglist #alternate universe #joel miller masterlist #joel miller x poc!reader #joel miller series #joel miller x reader #joelmiller #joel miller x reader au #joel miller x y/n #joel miller x reader tlou #joel miller x modern reader #tlouhbo #tlou series #tlou #tlou hbo #tlou au

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thebestofoneshots · 1 year ago

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Gilded Constellations | wolfstar x reader

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Pairing: Wolfstar x Reader Word Count: 10.3 K Warnings: none Prompt: You finally throw the magical party that you'd been planning for Marlene. The night gets even more bewitching as you engage in a series of party games, including a daring game of Potion Pong and a spirited game of truth or dare. As secrets are unveiled and dares become more challenging, the first sparks of romantic tension begin to ignite. This IS a wolfstar x reader fic, but it's incredibly slow burn. They won't start all dating each other until we're very deep into the story, but I promise the long wait will be worth it. THIS EPISODE CAN ALSO BE READ AS A ONESHOT

Fooled Around and Fell in Love

Thanks to Peter’s retellings of the Gryffindor try-outs, you’d gone from the new girl in sixth year, to a little bit of a quidditch celebrity. Some smaller kids would go see the Quidditch Practice, and according to James, he’d even seen some of the players from other groups trying to get a glimpse at you when you were in the Great Hall. Trying to measure if the stories had actually been real or if it was all just school gossip.

A smaller Gryffindor girl even approached you once, to ask if it was possible that you taught her how to do the triple backflip you’d done last Friday. You had to awkwardly explain to her that you hadn’t done a triple backflip, but that you would be happy to help her get more confident on her flight technique someday. She’d gone back to her friends with a huge smile, her friends squealing when she told them the news.

“Peter made me into some kind of celebrity,” you complained to Mary as the two of you walked to the courtyard together. You had teamed up with her for your Herbology project, and you were on your way to the garden to find some dried leaves to turn into fertiliser.

“No-uh,” she said, shaking her head “You did it yourself, love.”

“I didn’t go around telling everyone about the tryouts,” you responded as a pair of young boys passed the two of you, looking at you with wonder.

“But you slayed those tryouts by yourself! You did that backflip trick, not Peter. And he’s not the only one who’s been retelling the story all over the school. I heard Teddy tell his friends about you a couple of days ago in the common room.”

“Well, either way, it’s hard to get used to all of this attention. In my older school, I wasn’t so popular.”

“And you thought coming here and making friends with James Potter and Sirius Black of all people would let you blend into the background?!”

“I kinda brought it onto myself, didn’t I?”

“You’re gonna have to take that new-fund popularity and embrace it.” She said “Or you can just do whatever Remus does, he can somehow be a hot shot and still blend in the back when he wants to.”

You raised your eyebrows, it was true, even when he was with the boys all the time, he tended to stay in his own little friend group rather than talking to everyone the same way Sirius and James did.

“I’ll ask him sometime…” you said as you crossed the gates with Mary. Then leaned onto her, “Isn’t that Holden Crawford? Next to Alexander Wood?”

She nodded, “you should invite them now that they’re together.”

“Yup,” you said, giving her a small pat on the back and walking towards the Hufflepuff head boy.

“Hey Alex,” you said with a smile.

He turned to you, and smiled when he identified you “Gryffindor, aye?” He pointed at your tie.

You nodded “I guess so,” you replied “I wanted to thank you for being so nice to me on my first day.”

Holden, who stood next to him, raised one of his eyebrows “Ahh.. so you must be the infamous (Y/N) everyone’s been talking about.”

“Infamous? Hope not!” You teased with a smile and handed him your hand to shake “(Y/N)(Y/LN), nice to meet you.”

“Holden Crawford,” he replied, shaking your hand.

“The Ravenclaw… seeker?” You asked with a bit of a smile. He raised his eyebrows in response “James told me all about the other teams. Gotta know who you’re going up against.”

“And… you’ve done your homework.” You nodded.

“Anyway, I gotta go…” you said pointing at Mary, and after a couple of steps, you turned back to them “Actually boys–“ you said walking back towards them “–this Friday the Gryffindor Tower is having a party. I’m helping plan it. It’s for Marlene’s birthday.”

“Your beater…” acknowledged Holden.

You nodded eagerly, Holden knew Marlene, that was perfect. “Yeah exactly! Anyway, I’m in the planning committee along with Mary over there,” you pointed at your friend “and I think it would be great to have you guys there. You know the more the merrier,” you said that last bit with a smile.

“I’ll come if you come,” Holden said to Alex. Who seemed to be thinking about it.

“Come on,” you animated him. “It’ll be super fun, I promise! I’ll help pick the music out.”

Alex finally nodded “Ok, we’ll see you there.”

“Brilliant! 8 PM, Gryffindor Tower. Don’t miss it!” You chimed “Anyway, I am in the middle of picking up some dried leaves for herbology so I’ll leave you boys to your things,” You said before walking back to Mary.

“So...?”

“They’re coming,” you said with a proud smile. “And Holden knows Marlene. As in, he instantly identified her as Gryffindor’s beater.”

“Oh, she’s so gonna shit herself when she sees him at her party.”

You nodded and the two of you walked inside the small green area to pick out some dried leaves, levitating them from their place on the floor and placing them on the satchel Mary had brought. You then walked together to the greenhouses and started the spell that would turn the leaves into a very potent fertiliser, even if it took some time. Professor Folly would evaluate you based on how efficient the fertiliser was in the end. And you’d found the recipe on an old book in the library, that promised to both potentiate the growth of plants and maintain them.

September 10th, 1976

When the day of the party arrived, the air buzzed with anticipation. You were in the Gryffindor tower, along with Remus and Beth, attempting to decorate the area. Beth had asked her mom to send some streamers and she was magically sticking them all over the ceiling. You sat on one of the coaches and used your wand to blow some balloons that she’d also gotten from her mom. You had the idea to fill some of the balloons with glitter, and you’d blow them up when she arrived, leaving a trail of sparkly glitter all over her, and everyone else.

“We’ll be finding glitter in our dreams after today,” said Remus as he sat down next to you with a box of tapes. You finished timing one of the balloons and leaned over the box to take a look at the stuff he had. Led Zeppelin, Bowie, The Clash, Queen, Abba, they had it all.

“What will you choose?” You asked him, he pulled out a cassette with Sirius’s elegant handwriting and handed it over to you. “Marauder’s mix tape?” You asked.

“It’s what we call ourselves,” he said “Sirius invented it back in the third year, it’s still a thing now.”

“Fitting,” you said with a smile. And turned the tape to take a look at the songs. Smiling when you saw Rebel Rebel in the list. “

“He made this one over the summer,” he said pointing at the cassette, “and he brought a music player too,” he stood up “I’m going to go get it now, wanna help?”

You nodded and stood up, walking behind him towards the boys’ dorm. “Excuse the mess,” said Remus as he let you into their room. He was being silly, there wasn’t much of a mess. Maybe some candy packaging on the floor and one of the beds wasn’t done. You saw a Queen poster on top of said bed.

“Lemme guess,” you said pointing at the bed “That’s Sirius’.”

Remus nodded “It was an easy guess.”

You took that as a challenge and started scanning the rest of the beds, the one to the left of Sirius’ was well done, and it had a hard case for glasses on the nightstand, you pointed at it “James’” Remus nodded, with his eyebrows raised. You kept looking. Now there was a bed lousily made and one that was neatly done. The lousy bed had some parchments on top, along with a bag of chips. The other bed had a nightstand with some books, and a sweater folded over near the pillow, very neatly placed as well. You pointed at the one with chips “Peter’s, and the neatest one is yours, obviously.”

“Almost perfect, I’m next to Pads.”

“But the glasses case?” You asked confused.

“They’re for reading, my eyes get tired at night.” He then walked towards a dresser “Mind giving me a hand?” He asked, you nodded and walked toward it. It looked slightly heavy, but you placed your hands on the other side, ready to help him pull “Just make sure nothing from the top falls, m’kay?” He then pushed the dresser, with an ease that had you stunned. Maybe it just looked heavy. Behind the dresser, there was a small hole in the wall, filled with all sorts of things. From hand-rolled cigarettes, to prank supplies, and scary-looking vials with labels on them.

“You’ve got a secret stash?!” You said surprised, kneeling down to look at it better “How? Does my room have one too?”

“James blew up the wall while practising bombarda in 4th,” Remus explained “We didn’t want anyone to find out so we rearranged the furniture to hide it. Sirius figured it’d be a good place to hide stuff.”

“Do you mind?” You asked, nodding towards the little hole, he shook his head and you grabbed one of the bottles “Shrinking solution?”

“We brewed it last year, Prongs and I stole it from Slughorn’s office.”

You grabbed another one “And…” you looked at the label “Vanishing Solution.”

“Sometimes you gotta get rid of the evidence.” You laughed, Moving some things around, you found some dungbombs, neatly stacked. And behind them found a box of Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder. “Oh, and you’ve got some good stuff in there too,” you said as you grabbed a Magazine with a very dotted young woman –with nothing to cover her chest–, she had a seductive stare and blew kisses at you.

Remus snatched it from your hands “Sirius must’ve put it there,” He said all too quickly, throwing the magazine under a bed.

“Hey! I don’t judge,” you said, raising your eyebrows “It’s a boys’ secret stash after all.”

“But I don’t–“

“–you don’t need to excuse yourself, Remus.” You said and pointed at the back “That’s it, isn’t it? the cassette player?”

Remus nodded and pulled it out, dusting it off “We left it here all summer.” You helped him put all the things back in their place. Except for the dirty magazine that was still under the bed somewhere, and stood up, going back to the side of the dresser to push it back to its place.

You tried to push it before he grabbed onto the side. But it was impossible, the dresser was heavy. At least for you, for Remus, who pulled it with ease back onto its place, it seemed like lifting a feather. You stared at him as he turned to grab the cassette player, he was tall, the tallest of the group, and he did have nice broad shoulders. Again, the sexy pirate analogy came to mind, but he didn’t seem particularly strong. He didn’t have thick muscles like James or Teddy. Which completely clashed with what you’d just seen him do. You shoved all those inconsistencies to the back of your mind and followed him towards the door.

The two of you walked downstairs again, finding Beth still working on the streamers, as Remus went to set the cassette player on the farthest section of the recorder you went back to your balloons, levitating those that were ready all over the common room. As you were doing, you saw Lily and Mary arrive, they both carried snacks and other food things in their hands. Mary had a huge bowl and she placed it on the table Lily was arranging it, and she set herself to prepare a punch. “It’s Mary’s signature punch,” explained Lily “She makes it for every party, everyone loves it.”

“I’m looking forward to trying it,” you said with a smile. When you were done with the balloons you rushed towards Lily and helped her finish the refreshments area.

Sirius and James arrived later. Carrying several bottles in their hands. “Are you sure those are safe?” Lily asked, frowning at the bottles.

“Yes Lils,” said Sirius rather exasperated and turned one of the bottles around for her to see the label was still on “They were purchased in Hogsmeade.”

“By who did you say?”

Sirius smiled, “Nice try Evans, it’s still top secret.”

“When is Marlene getting here?” You asked as you helped James with some of the bottles.

“Tom is distracting her,” said Beth from somewhere. “She’ll be here at around 8:30.”

“Well then, everything looks ready,” Sirius said with a clap of his hands “Imma go put on some nicer garments.”

James, who was still wearing some Quidditch gear from practice, also left the room. You’d been allowed to skip after saying you felt bad, that way James entertained Marlene and you could focus on decorating the common room.

Remus was already wearing casual clothes, while Lily, Mary and yourself went up to change.

Once in party clothes, with glitter all over your eyes –that Mary had insisted you had to put on–, you went back down, finding some people were already making it to the party. You identified a couple of kids from your classes that were from other houses. Holden and Alexander were both already in the party too, which made you smile, nudging Beth so she was aware too. Then she smiled wickedly and leaned into you “I’ll go make some arrangements for later,” she said before disappearing in the swarm of people.

“What’s she up to?” Asked Sirius, who somehow had ended up beside you.

You shrugged in response “I wish I knew,” you said and saw him drinking from a black mug. “What you drinkin’?”

He licked his lips “Mhm.. this?” He asked, raising his cup “Wanna try?”

You raised an eyebrow and grabbed for the mug, feeling his cold rings as your fingers brushed over him to take a hold of the mug, and pulled the mug up to your lips. You winced once you’d taken a sip, you were not expecting for the liquid to be straight-up iced vodka.

“You didn’t even try to water it down,” you complained, handing the mug back to him.

He just shrugged “I like it, cools your throat down.”

You rolled your eyes and pushed him gently “At least put some juice on it or something.”

“It’s the expensive stuff, you’re not meant to water it down.”

You rolled your eyes at his remark when Mary came out of nowhere and pulled your arm "Sorry Sirius, I’m taking her with me,"

You raised your eyebrows at that but followed alongside Mary, "What’s wrong?" You asked her preoccupied. She looked like she’d been running and had a blush on her cheeks, well perhaps running wasn’t it, you thought as you noticed her slightly dishevelled stance.

"Nothin’," she responded casually, "I brought you here because I wanted to introduce you to someone," she pulled you into a corner "he was at the bleachers when you were on tryouts. I got good word he’s been wanting to meet you ever since."

Your eyebrow rose, yes the try-outs had been the talk of the castle for the past week, but someone wanting to befriend you after it… perhaps it wasn’t so incredible "Who is it?" you asked.

You felt a looming presence from behind and the two of you turned around, a very tall boy, probably as tall as Remus, was there, with a huge smile on his lips "(Y/N), this is Minho Yun, Minho this is (Y/N)."

You smiled and held your hand out to shake his, "Nice to meet you.”

He shook your hand “Nice to meet you too.”

He started to talk again but Tom came rushing through the door like a madman “Everyone HIDE!” He roared as he jumped behind one of the coaches. No one moved, he stood up again “Marlene’s coming you whackheads, find a freaking hiding spot!”

“Shit,” you said before running towards a small closet-like spot hidden behind one of the wall rugs you’d found a couple of nights before after your quill sharpener fell out of your hands. But once inside you found yourself sharing the spot with someone else. “Puppy?” You asked when you smelt the same cologne you’d felt before.

“(Y/N)?” He asked “What are you doing here? This is my spot!” He whispered-yelled.

“Well then, move over so the two of us can fit comfortably,” you retorted, he adjusted himself a little, and you managed to fully enter the small space “Shouldn’t be long.”

You could feel his hot minty breath near your forehead “So… how’s your potions essay going? Remus a good partner?”

You nodded, realising later he probably couldn’t see you. “Great, he’s brilliant, I don’t regret switching with James.”

“You switched with James?” He asked shrugging “But Slughorn said–”

“–We switched before,” you explained. “didn’t make a fuss about it like you. Sorry, you got paired with Slime-head tho. How’s it going?”

“We split the tasks,” he sighed. “That way we don’t have to see each other more than necessary.”

“And quidditch practice today?” You asked.

“Oh good, we missed you though.”

You nodded again, perking your ears to see if Marlene had already arrived. Nothing. “Do you mind if I ask you why they call you Pads?”

“Short for Padfoot.”

You raised your eyebrows, looking up at him with “Yeah, I remember that was your nickname, but why?”

“Sort of an inside joke, can’t really tell you without the boys all agreeing on it.”

“Oh,” you said with a nod, turning your head back to the door, “must have to do with everyone’s nicknames then.” He nodded. You took a deep breath. You did not expect Marlene to take so long to arrive. “Do you still have the–?”

“–here,” he said, handing over his mug, "you took a sip, and then another.

You gave him back his mug and exhaled “Sorry to take your spot.”

He shrugged, you did not see it, but you felt him, that’s how close you were standing “No problem,” he said honestly “I don’t mind you being all over me,” he teased.

“Sirius!” You reprimanded, he chuckled.

“But, in all honesty, love, I’m really happy that you came to Hogwarts.”

You looked up at him again “I’m really happy I came too. You weren’t joking when you told me how amazing your friends were.”

He bit his lips as he smiled, god he was stunning, even in the dark “They are, aren’t they?”

And then you heard the portrait door open, giving Sirius a complicit look as the two of you jumped out of the hideout, alongside everyone else, Marlene was taken aback by seeing so many people “One… Two… Three!” You counted.

“Happy Birthday Marlene,” everyone screamed, you waved your wand and half of the balloons blew up, sprinkling glitter over every single person in the room. You smiled when you realised the stunning shower of glitter. Some of it fell over Sirius's hair, he shook it off, like a dog would, causing more to drop over you. You closed your eyes tightly and nudged him “Sirius! It’s gonna get on someone’s eyes.”

He gave you a look “Remind me, love. Whose brilliant idea was to have glitter shower over every single one of us?”

You averted your gaze, annoyed, and nodded “Just be careful!” You said before running towards Marlene, holding her gift in your hands. You’d gotten her a Holyhead Harpies jersey, you remembered she’d mentioned it being her favourite before.

When she looked at you, all filled with glitter she pointed an accusing finger “You weren’t sick!” You shook your head with a smile.

Remus, who had walked closer to the two of you, smiled and placed a hand over your shoulder “She helped with the decorations.”

“And Potter just… let it happen?” She asked.

“He didn’t have much of a choice,” you said with a half smile “Happy Birthday Mars! I hope you have lots of fun!”

Both you and Remus hugged Marlene and then retired to allow the people who were crowding her to give her their own hugs and gifts. You walked towards a less crowded area alongside the boy, and when you turned to him, you realised he had a piece of glitter over his lash, so you placed a hand over his shoulder, “something wrong love?”

You shook your head, “Lean down a little, yeah? You’ve got some glitter over your lash…” he complied and bend his knees until he was about your height, you carefully grabbed his head with one hand, to steady him, and used your other hand to take a piece of glitter away from it, looking at Remus so close, you realised how pretty he really was, he had beautiful chocolate eyes, with golden sparkles, that looked absolutely surreal, inhuman almost. He wasn’t pretty like Sirius who had a very ethereal, fae-like look to him, he had a more haunting and enigmatic look. But after a second, he gave you a questioning look, as if to ask if you were done, you nodded and pried your hands off him with an awkward smile “It’s done!”

“Thanks.”

After that some girl took Remus away from you and you went to sit alongside Lily, who was talking to Peter.

“I think we succeeded,” you said sitting next to Lily, who scooted over to give you some space.

“Totally!” She smiled, “Peter said he’ll bring the cake at 10:00 pm,”

You leaned over to look at your friend “Need any help with that Pete?”

He shook his head, “This… This 5th-year girl will help me, actually.” Both you and Lily rose your eyebrows.

“Oh… Our Pete’s got a date…” you teased.

He instantly went red “It’s not a date…”

Now you shared a look with the redhead “Want some advice?” She asked, placing a hand over his forearm.

“No… don’t worry about it,” he said, almost thinking if he should ask “We’ve been talking a bit, that’s all.”

“That’s how it starts,” you said.

Lily leaned back on the couch “Ah… young love, how beautiful it is.”

You laughed “What are you, 80?” You teased, “What about your young love?”

“I don’t have any young love,” she said, standing up straight and turning towards you.

“Yeah sure,” you scoffed. “There isn’t a messy hair, hazel-eyed boy pining for you at all.”

Lily went red now “(Y/N),” she said, dragging out your name “We don’t talk about that!”

“But we should,” you told her, “don’t you like him back? He’s handsome! Not my type of handsome but handsome nonetheless.”

“Oh yeah,” she teased “I know your type of handsome all right,” she said, eyeing Sirius, who was talking to Remus.

“Evans! Don’t you dare change the subject!”

She laughed at that “He’s just so… sometimes he can be exasperating!”

You laughed, in the short time you’d known James Potter, sometimes might have been an understatement. He had his mind pretty much set most of the time, he was thick-headed and maybe a little unhinged, but he was kind, and so full of love for his friends it was hard not to imagine him making a lovely couple with Lily.

“Hm… maybe he can make up for his bad traits in another way,” you suggested, the other way implicit in the tone you used, and she right up hit you with one of the pillows.

“All right guys!” You heard Beth shout as she came down with a box in her hands “It’s playtime!”

“Oh no,” you heard Lily whisper.

Beth finally reached the bottom of the stairs and placed the heavy box on a long table that you set out with some drinks “It’s time to play potion pong.”

“Potion Pong?” You asked Lily, who looked distressed.

“All right, gather up, we’re making two teams of four people “Marlene Love, you’re the birthday girl, so you’re playing yes or yes.” She then turned to you “(Y/N), this is your first time in a Gryffindor Party, so you’re also in. I’m playing duh, and Evans,” she said to Lily “You playing today, yeah?”

“Last time I got a vomiting potion!” She complained.

“No vomiting potions this time, don’t worry about it.” Beth said dismissively “Potter, you’re in, cause you let lovely (Y/N) out of practice to help with decorations, you, Ravenclaw boy,” she said as if she wasn’t well aware that Ravenclaw boy was Holden Crawford, Marlene’s crush “You’re playing too!” She looked around then, “Minho? Where you at? You said you wanted to play last time in the first round, yeah?” She asked out to everyone “He actually holds the resistance of potion pong title,” she explained, “and… Sirius? Wanna play?” She asked last. Sirius nodded, and you all gathered around the table. Beth divided everyone into two teams, She, Marlene, Holden and James, against Minho, Sirius, Lily and you.

“All right, the rules!” She said as she started setting the table, bringing lots of vials with different colour liquids out of the box, opening and placing them in a triangle position in front of each side of the table “Simple game, each turn a player gets a ping pong ball, and you have to try and make it enter one of the vials with potions by bouncing it on the table at least once. If it goes in, someone from the other team has to drink the potion it fell on.”

“What kind of potions–˝ you started to ask.

“–Well if I tell you then where’s the fun?” She said placing her hands over her hips in a reproaching manner “The team that drinks all the potions first loses. If a player is disabled, for whatever reason it might be, he still has to take a shoot in his or her turn. There’s no skipping players, and no cheating, so hand over your wands.” Everyone complied with her demand and she placed them all in a jar on the mantel. “Excellent, if we don’t have any questions, let’s get started.” She pulled out something from her pocket and opened her hand in front of everyone “These are magic beans, each of you gets one of them, you can take it if you can’t stand the effects of the potion, but only after you’ve spent three turns with the effect on you. And… you only get one,” she said with a wicked smile “so if you use it up with a potion that’s not that bad, then you’re gonna have to suck it up and deal with the next potions by yourself, sorry.”

“And how did she come up with the game?” You whisper-asked to Lily.

“Beth is pretty well known for her party games,” she responded, leaning into you “and she has the resources to make them all happen too.”

Everyone walked closer to the table and picked a bean from her hand. Since you didn’t have where to put it, you handed it over to Sirius “Mind keeping this for me?”

He nodded and placed it in his pocket. Beth spoke then “All right! Witches, wizards, It’s time to start. Mars, it’s your birthday, which means you shoot first.”

Marlene nodded and grabbed the pig pong ball, shooting it towards the table and having it bounce very close to one of the vials, but failing her shot in the end.

“It’s ok Mars, not everyone gets it in the first round,” Beth reassured her.

Minho took the ball next, bouncing it and shooting straight into a cup with light blue liquid. He smiled cockily while everyone who was watching cheered. “It’s gonna be you, love,” he said pointing at Beth “It’s only fair since you brought the game.”

Beth shook her head with a bit of a smile and gulped the mixture down in one go. “Hic–“ she started, “I think it’s –Hic.”

“Hiccup haze,” you concluded.

James raised an eyebrow at you and mouthed “How do you know that?”

“I used it on a teacher I disliked once,” you said with a shrug.

Lily looked at you with her eyes open wide and her hands covering her mouth “Please remind me not to make you my enemy!” She said and you laughed.

It was now James’ turn. He grabbed the ball and had it bounce against the table twice before it landed right on a cup, he made a small victory dance and looked straight at you, “Bottoms up, darling.”

You rolled your eyes but picked up the pink-coloured cup from the table and took the potion in one go. Soon enough all the content in your mouth was turned into jelly, along with the liquid of the potion, “Uggh, I hathe thees slimy feelin’. ”

Everyone laughed, it was your turn now, so you bounced the ball on the table and somehow scored. “It's payback mopherfugher!” You said pointing at James, who took in the yellow potion in one gulp.

Out of literally nowhere, James Potter turned into a cow. You laughed historically as you heard him Mo, almost choking with your jelly mouth. “Thers a coow pothion?” You asked in between laughter.

Everyone in the room was laughing along, except for Lily next to you who looked mortified and James –the cow– who just mooed pathetically. And he would have to stay like that for a while.

Beth was next, she didn’t score. Sirius followed, and he didn’t score either. Marlene’s turn came again and he finally scored, having Minho take the potion this time. He got a potion that made his voice come out in a series of high-pitched squeaks and chirps, like a bird. You giggled along with everyone.

Sirius shot next and scored, having Holden take the potion, he drank the greenish liquid and shrugged, shaing his head as if nothing had happened. But when he opened his mouth a bubble floated from it, popping after it was just above everyone's head “I don’t think It had any effect,” the bubble said, finally letting Holden’s voice out. Everyone laughed. Then it was James’ turn. Beth moved a little to let the cow close to the table and placed the ball in its mouth. He let it go and it rolled pathetically on the table.

You pulled a face to him and grabbed the ball “Zorthy djaaames!” You said with a shrug and shot. You didn’t score. Beth took the ball and shot herself this time, scoring.

“You’ve-hic– been safe so far Lils –hic,” he said “Go –hic– ahead love!”

Lily looked at the yellow potion with a frown and reluctantly drank it. Then she started staggering, as if drunk “Everything’s spinning,” she complained, so you walked towards her to hold her. Maintaining her steady. She grabbed the ping pong ball and somehow scored, this time Marlene drank the potion and she started glowing, literally glowing, shining like a lightbulb.

A bubble came out of Holden’s mouth and popped “Wow Marlene! You really are the star of the party!” You laughed, your mouth was finally getting back to normal, and James turned human again, ending up sitting on the floor and mooing as he turned human.

He quickly stood up, stretching slightly before he grabbed the ball and shot, having it go straight into one of the cups, he then looked at Sirius “You haven’t taken anything, have you Pads?” You exhaled, thinking he would target you after you made him turn into a cow.

Sirius looked to the side but grabbed the vial with the black draught, drinking It in one sip. His hair suddenly turned red. He looked at James with an extremely distressed face “What have you done to me Prongs? You ruined my hair!”

Everyone stared quietly and you handed the ping pong ball to Minho, who probably tried to say thanks but chirped instead. He shot and missed. Beth took the ball next, and shot, right into a purple draught. He gave you a look. “How’s the jelly mouth love?”

“Almoth gone.”

“All right, go ahead then.”

You grabbed the mysterious looking potion and downed it in one go. Your face instantly lit up. giggle brew, you thought as a giggle escaped your mouth, you’d felt this before. A ticklish sensation spread all over your body, which caused another giggle to come out. Lily, who was still dizzy, turned to you with concern.

But her concerned face looked so hilariously amusing, that it caused you to burst into fits of giggles, too difficult to contain. Then, then you saw Sirius, the beautiful Sirius Black with his hair bright red, oh he’d hate it if someone took a picture. Someone should take a picture, you thought and looked around trying to find someone who would. And there you saw it, Alex, your Hufflepuff friend, had a Polaroid in his hands. So you turned to him with a smile and shouted “A picture–“ you said, bursting into a breathy laugh in the end “Take a picture Alex,” you said, turning to him, holding Lily and having Sirius and Minho turn to the camera. By the time Alex clicked on the camera button to snap the shot, you had managed to place Sirius’ arms over yours and Minho’s shoulders, your cheeks flushed with joy, and eyes sparkling with mirth.

When Alex handed you the picture you laughed again, you felt so much joy. The picture was absolutely hilarious and you laughed again as you looked at it. “Who’s turn is it now?” Asked James. Sirius grabbed the ball from your cup and took a shot, it landed right on a cup, splashing the two other cups left on his table, and you giggled again, finding it amusing.

“Who’s drinking it?” Asked Minho, he’d finally gotten his voice back, you giggled remembering the squeaks and chirps.

Beth did, and suddenly she was in slow motion, every movement seemed like it’d been slowed down, which only made you laugh even further. She took a shot and failed. Minho took the next shot and it landed on one of their cups. Marlene drank it and her tongue suddenly transformed into that of a snake. Hissing as she tried to speak. You tried not to laugh, you really did, it was her birthday after all, but you couldn’t suppress the wave of amusement that’d hit you and bursted into laughter again.

Lily shot and missed. Beth shot, in slow motion, and it hit right on the cup. You laughed again. Minho downed it since he was the only one not affected by a potion at the moment. Well, Sirius only had colourful hair, but he was making a drama about it. Minho started tap dancing the moment he took the drink and you giggled yet again.

Eventually, it was your turn again, and you landed the shot, effectively finishing the game. Beth walked towards you and placed a potion-shaped pin on your shirt. It said “Potion Master,” you giggled as you imagined yourself in Slughorn’s clothes, you couldn’t help it, all you felt was a state of sheer merriment and delight.

Everyone started to take the beans Beth had given them at the beginning. Lily went straight to sit down to try and get a sense of stability and Sirius’ hair turned back to normal. You got close to him and grabbed a strand. “It was cute in red too.”

He rose an eyebrow cockily, of course he would “Was it?”

“Yeah,” you said in between breathy laughs.

He grabbed your jaw in between his hands, you giggled when you felt his cold rings against your skin. “Open your mouth,” he ordered.

“Kinky!” you responded with a smile, but complied “AAAhhh.”

He instantly put the bean inside. You munched on it. Finally coming down from the high the potion had you in.

Then Sirius leaned closer, still with his hand on your cheeks “Now love, do you still want me to be kinky?”

You playfully pushed him back and used your finger to warn him “Don’t play games with me Black,” you said before walking towards Lily on the couch.

When you were finally sitting down you saw Peter coming in through the portrait with a huge cake in his hands. A girl making sure he didn’t trip accompanied him.

You smiled and started singing loudly “Happy birthday to you…”

Everyone started to sing along “Happy Birthday to you… Happy Birthday dear Marlene, Happy birthday to you…” Marlene hadn’t taken her bean, so she was still glowing like a fairy as she blew on the candles with everyone around her, you noticed a flash from the camera and once everyone was back in their seats as Peter and Remus helped cut the cake, you took the photo they’d taken during potion pong again.

You stared at it for a while, you looked so bloody happy it was insane “Did you like it?” Alex asked, approaching you.

“I absolutely love it!” You told him with a smile “ You can really tell I’m drinking giggle brew tho.”

He frowned, “I don’t think so,” he said, pulling out another picture from his pocket and handing it over. In this picture, you weren’t holding Lily yet, James was a cow and Sirius’ hair was black. Definitely, before you took the potion, but your smile, it was just as bright as in the other picture. You blinked a couple of times, looking at the picture and back at Alex “I regretted not being chosen to play,” he told you “You guys were having so much fun.”

“I’ll make sure Beth picks you next time. Can I keep this one too?”

“Hold up,” he said, grabbing it from your hands “Gemino,” he whispered, the picture split in two, creating identical copies. “I need to keep them for the yearbook.” He explained.

But you looked at him surprised. “You just… you just used a Gemino Curse.”

He smiled proudly, “You’ll see it in charms on 7th, It’s sooo useful.”

“I bet! Is it too hard? Could you teach me now?”

He seemed to think about it for a minute and nodded. Eventually, Mary came looking for you and dragged you to the table to get some more pictures taken along with the rest of the Gryffindor gang.

Once the party was over, most people were gone except a few of the older kids. That’s when Beth came down with another small box in her hands. “It’s time for the last game of the night,” she said with a smirk and pulled out a potion from the box.

“Is that… Veritaserum?” Asked Lily.

Beth nodded “Welcome to truth or dare, where absolutely no one can lie.”

Your draw dropped in shock “For real?” You asked, and Beth nodded.

“Come on, we’ll sit in a circle.” she said with a smile “Those brave enough, of course.”

“HOLD UP! What kind of dares?” You asked.

Lily turned to you. “Any kind of dare. Last time I had to levitate every single one of the objects in the room.”

“Yeah, this time might be a bit different. See everyone will write 3 dares and 3 questions on a piece of paper. And we’ll place them in these bowls,” she lifted a blue and a red bowl. “Then each turn you’ll choose truth or dare and pick one.”

“Aha,” you said and walked towards her “What’s your plan?” You mouthed.

“I’m playing matchmaker today,” she replied mischievously and nodded towards Marlene and Holden who were talking in the corner.

“I see,” you said with a smile, you decided you’d become her accomplice, making sure all the dares and questions you wrote were relatively romantic. Little did you know your matchmaking would bite you in the back. “Who else is playing?” You asked.

“I’m in,” said Lily walking to fill up some papers “Mary, Marlene?”

“We’re coming,” said Mary. Holden stayed by Marlene’s side and took some paper to fill out as well.

“I wouldn’t miss a good truth or dare,” said Sirius, pulling Remus along with him.

James and Peter joined you next, and eventually around 12 people had gathered along, all sitting in a circle. You sat right in between Lily and Sirius. Beth grabbed a glass and poured all the veritaserum inside, taking a sip and handing it over to the person next to her so they could do the same. Once everyone had taken a sip, the game started.

“Marlene, you’re the birthday girl, which means you go first,” she said looking straight at your friend, “truth or dare?”

Marlene, who was sitting in between James and Holden responded “Truth,” and then went to grab a paper from the red bowl “It says, Which Deathly Hallow would you choose if given the chance: the Elder Wand, the Resurrection Stone, or the Invisibility Cloak?” She seemed to think about it for a minute. “Easy, all the other brothers died, I’ll take the invisibility cloak.” She turned to her right “Holden, truth or dare?”

“Dare,” he said and grabbed a paper “Take a sip from the mystery potion left over from Potion Pong… How do I find that?”

“Oh,” said Beth pulling something out of her pockets “Here it is,” she handed it over with a smile.

Holden grabbed it and did what the potion told him “I think it did nothing,” he said, but then Marlene accidentally brushed her arm on his and he started laughing “Oh, stop, please! No tickles!”

Everyone looked at him confused and once he finally stopped laughing Beth spoke “Oh, Maybe it was Ticklemania.” She then turned to Tom, who sat next to Holden “Truth or dare?”

“Dare,” he responded and grabbed a piece of paper “Make a floating sculpture with items around the room, All right then, not that hard,” he said and started lifting random objects until he made a floating dolphin. “Your turn Beth.”

She went ahead and grabbed a dare “Take off a piece of clothing and switch it with the player next to you.” She nodded and took off her scarf, switching it with Lily’s headband.

Lily grabbed a dare “Kiss the player to your right –on the mouth– for 3 seconds.” She then turned to you “To kiss… to kiss her?” She asked, shocked.

Karma, you thought, you’d written that one. But if you called this one kiss off then all dares could be called off and your matchmaking would fail. So in order to succeed in this ordeal, you would have to kiss Lily. Not that you minded too much, Lily was very pretty, and she always smelled really nice too.

“It’s what the dare says.”

She exhaled but nodded “Ok,” she turned to you “Are you sure you’re ok with it?”

You nodded and you both leaned in, locking lips together. It was over quite fast and all you could think of after, to lighten the mood, was to joke about it “Great kisser Evans.”

She scoffed and lightly hit you in the arm “And you expected me to be bad? I’m offended!” You both laughed along after that. But it was your turn now.

Everyone seemed to be avoiding truth so far, and to be honest you also wanted to avoid it, especially since you’d written some of these questions and you definitely did not want to respond them. So you went for a dare. “Perform a spell or charm that can entertain the other players in the room.” You nodded and used a spell to puncture the balloons, causing them all to make a funny sound as they blew all over the room, you leaned down when one of them passed over your head. You smiled when it was done and made a bit of a bow before sitting back down.

“Sirius, Truth or dare?”

“Truth?” He said before grabbing one of the papers “Have you ever used magic for personal gain or to break the rules at Hogwarts? If so, explain the situation.” He laughed right after reading “Which one do I even say?”

“Oh, tell them about the clock,” said Peter.

“No, tell them about the time you got Peeves to help on a prank.”

“Yeah guys, go ahead please, continue telling everyone about ALL the pranks we DIDN’T get caught doing. What could go wrong?” Remus said exasperated.

“I know,” said Sirius “One time, we created a rainy cloud and enchanted it to follow around some disagreeable Slytherin students.”

Minho, the only Slytherin in the room, laughed first “Oh! That explains so much. Severus was so pissed that day, but he had no way of proving it was you.”

Sirius nodded, surprisingly, even if Minho was a Slytherin they seemed to be pretty good friends. Maybe it was because they were both beaters. What you didn’t know is that Minho had been the one to help them get the alcoholic beverages, since he was in 7th and had already turned of legal age, all the Marauders had become his friends like that.

“All right, Moons, your turn,” Said Sirius.

“Dare,” he responded without beating an eyelash and grabbed a piece of paper “Give a 10-minute foot massage to the person on your left?”

You laughed when Sirius threw him a teasing look.

“A FOOT MASSAGE FOR PADFOOT?! WHO EVEN WROTE THIS DARES?”

“Who cares? I get a free massage,” said Sirius as he was unlacing his boots. Remus sighed. Finally, Sirius took his boot off, showing a pair of colourful Gryffindor-themed socks. That’s what you call commitment to a brand, you thought. Sirius then turned his feet towards Remus and let his head fall on your leg “Do you mind?” He asked looking up at you, you could see his dark lashes framing his stunning icy blue eyes, but also noticed how he asked after he had already gotten himself all comfortable.

“No really,” you replied, and he nodded in response, closing his eyes as Remus started rubbing his feet. And damn were you a little jealous as you saw Remus pressing his strong hands on Sirius’s feet, he was clearly, really good at massaging. Sirius’ face told you everything.

Then it was Imogen’s turn, a Hufflepuff girl you’d shared classes with before. She was very smart, you remembered. She picked truth and grabbed a paper “Fuck, Mary, Kill: Slughorn, Kettleburn and Nightshade.” She said, “Ummm… I’d murder Slugorn, fuck Kettleburn and Mary Nightshade.”

“You’d fuck Kettlebrun?!” Asked Beth shocked.

“Between him and Slughorn? Every single time!” Imogen responded.

“And you’d marry Nightshade?” Asked Peter.

“Who wouldn’t marry Nightshade?”

You nodded to what Imogen was saying “No, no, Imogen has a point,” you said pointing a finger at her “Seraphina is stunning.” Sirius looked at you with a raised eyebrow, he still lied his head on your right leg “She has this grace to her, she’s like a ballerina.”

“She was a ballerina,” Said James as he munched on something.

“Really? How do you know?”

“She’s friends with our parents,” explained Peter, and grabbed a paper himself. He also chose truth “Do you like anyone? If so, say who it is.” Peter was instantly red and looked around as if checking if a particular person was still in the room, he took a deep breath once he was sure, and let himself speak “Yes there is, it’s this very pretty Ravenclaw girl from Fifth called Annabeth.”

“Annie Doxon?” Beth jumped from her seat “You have a crush on my cousin?!” Peter nodded, still shy. “Ok then, you break her heart, I break your nose.” Peter nodded, he knew Beth wouldn’t be too excited about it anyway “But I’m happy, at least you’re a good guy, I’m sure you’ll treat her well,” she cheered “Potter, you’re up.”

James grabbed a dare and after reading it out loud he tied his shirt over his belly and started belly dancing as best of his ability allowed him. And surprisingly, he was actually pretty good at it, which had everyone laughing. You leaned over to Lily, careful not to disturb Sirius, whose hair you’d started playing with at some point and whispered “Bet he’s got some sick moves in the bedroom too,” she gasped and hit you lightly, turning red as a tomato. Which just caused you to laugh even more, Lily was definitely going to end up with James Potter. And they’d probably have the cutest children.

Eventually, it was Marlene’s turn again, she chose dare and ended up giving Holden a massage, and Holden had to hold hands with her for the rest of the game when he got his dare. By the time Mary was taking her paper, the sand clock you’d set to measure the 10 minutes Remus would rub Sirius’ feet was over and he shoved Sirius’ feet off his lap.

“Oi, a bit more careful there Moony!” He complained as he finally sat up straight again.

“Yeah?, well I’ve had enough of your stinky feet,” Remus retorted.

“Take that back, My feet are NOT stinky!” He then turned to you “Are they Love?”

“Sirius, no matter how much I appreciate you, I will not be smelling your feet.”

He pouted and was about to speak again but got interrupted by Mary “Fuck James, marry Remus, Kill Sirius,” she said carelessly.

“Who put our names in the–“ Remus started.

“–You’d kill me? But I’m beautiful!” Sirius gasped.

“I wouldn’t wanna deal with the drama,” she responded simply.

“And I’m certain I’d be a better lay than Prongs too.”

“You wish,” James snapped and threw a pillow he had at Sirius’ face.

“LOOKS LIKE IT’S MY TURN!” Said Tom with his hands extended to the sides to get everyone's attention. He took a truth as well. “Name a teacher you’d hate to see naked and a teacher you’d like to see naked. WHO WROTE THIS?! You guys are sick. I’d hate to see Slughorn naked. I’d like to…” he shuddered “I don’t want to see any teacher naked.”

“You have to name someone,” argued Imogen.

“But–“

“Name it, Name it, Name it,” everyone started to choir.

“Professor Spellman?”

“Profesor Spellman!?” Asked Peter confused.

Tom shrugged, “I bet he’s ripped under those robes.”

Everyone laughed. On Beth’s turn, she had to do a cartwheel and then it was Lily’s turn, she went straight for a dare “Kiss for 30 seconds, whoever is in front of you,” she said looking up from her seat and discovering it was none-other than James Potter.

You tried to hold a laugh. And patted her on the back, she turned to Beth distressed “Can’t I just Kiss (Y/N) again?”

“Can’t stop thinking of me, huh?” You teased with your eyebrows raised, Sirius’ personality was rubbing on you. She gave you a reproachful look, as if asking for help.

“Rules are rules love,” said Beth and motioned for Lily and James to get closer together. She awkwardly did, James just stood in his place, frozen in shock.

“I– I’m gonna start, m’kay?” She asked James.

He nodded awkwardly, and in an instant, they were locking lips. Their kiss was nothing like yours and Lily’s, just a peck and then done, no, they were kissing. James had even grabbed Lily by the waist and pulled her closer at some point. Those thirty seconds were up, and you were sure they were still kissing. But eventually, Lilly broke this kiss off, clearing her throat and crawled back to her seat next to you.

You turned to her “You good?” You asked with concern. She nodded a slight blush creeping onto her cheeks. You smiled and grabbed your paper.

“Sit on the lap of the player to your right for the rest of the game.” You read, with a bit of a frown “Seat on the lap of–?”

“–Sirius Black.” Finished Lily.

“Don’t you…?” You were about to ask, but Sirius had already accommodated himself and waited for you with open arms and a welcoming smile. Of course Sirius wouldn’t mind, he was Mr. Flirt after all. “Kay then,” you said and moved to his lap. He held you by the waist and set his head on your neck.

“Mind passing over a dare paper?” He asked.

You leaned in and grabbed one and opened it for him “Let a player draw something on your arm,” you read.

He shrugged and handed you his arm. “There you go love, draw me a Picasso.”

“I could just draw a dick,” you teased.

He nudged you with his head “Draw something nice, would ya? I’ll leave it on all week if you do.”

You raised an eyebrow and nodded as you used your wand to bring your quill and ink closer, dipping your quill in the dark ink and drawing on Sirius’ arm.

“We’re almost out of papers,” said Beth as she leaned over the two bowls.

“We should probably end soon anyway,” Lily said, stretching her arms, “It’s getting kinda late.”

“What’s it gonna be Rem? Truth or dare?” Asked Beth.

“Dare,” he chose again, not even thinking about it, he leaned over and grabbed a paper, looking visibly pale as he read. Not that you noticed, you were very focused on Sirius’ arm.

“Well then? What does it say?” Asked Beth.

Remus didn’t say a word. Imogen grabbed the paper from his hand and read it “Kiss the person to your left for one minute straight.” The second those words left her mouth your pen went completely sideways, leaving a straight line in the middle of your drawing, you looked up, alarmed.

“But… there’s two people on Remus’ left,” Imogen continued.

“Three people kiss?” said Beth as an option.

“Three people kiss? What on earth is that?!” Asked Remus alarmed.

“It’d be too awkward for a minute straight,” said Imogen as she shook her head with a soft tsk, she wasn’t convinced.

“Pick one then,” Beth said with a shrug.

“Well, it’s obvious, (Y/N), she’s the girl.” Said Peter.

“But I had to kiss her too, that doesn’t matter in this game,” argued Lily.

“And Sirius was to his left originally,” chimed Holden.

Remus’ eyes darted from one person to the other, looking further mortified at the second. “Let’s just wand, potion, spell it,” you intervened “Destiny chooses instead, how does that sound?” Remus looked at you and nodded.

“Well then,” you shifted on Sirius’ lap so you could see him directly, “Ready?”

“Do we do it in the first result or two out of three?” He asked.

“I– I don’t know… Rem?”

“Two out of three.”

“Well then, it’s settled.”

The two of you positioned your right hand on top of your left “Wand, Potion, Spell.” You said together. Sirius’ hand turned into a fist with his thumbs up, Potion, beating your extended palm, spell.

“Ok, again,” he said.

“Wand, Potion, Spell.” You repeated this time you chose spell, beating his wand.

You gave him a look, Remus was still holding his breath right next to the two of you.

“Again.”

“Wand, Potion, Spell.” You both choose spell. “Wand, Potion, Spell.” You both picked wand.

“Sirius!” You complained.

“Not doing it on purpose luv!” He argued back.

“Ok, this is the one, ready?” He nodded.

“Wand, Potion, Spell.” Sirius chose spell, you chose potion.

“(Y/N) Won,” said Beth, “It’s settled then, go ahead.”

You threw her a look “I’m gonna end up kissing the entire circle with this game,” you complained as you tried to move off Sirius, but he tightened his hold on your waist.

“Gotta stay here till the end of the game, remember?” He asked, not allowing you to budge. You turned to him with a frown.

“He’s right, if you get off you’ll get a penalty,” agreed Imogen.

You gave him a confused look and he just shrugged, “Rules are rules.”

Remus moved closer instead “You sure you’re ok with it?” He asked, sincerity in his voice as he stared at you, faces inches away from each other. You nodded and closed the gap between the two of you.

As your lips met Remus', you instinctively placed your right hand on his shoulder to steady yourself, Sirius' hands remained securely wrapped around your waist, you could feel his subtle shifts beneath you as you continued to kiss his friend. The nature of the situation made you wonder if you had ever found yourself in such an uncomfortable scenario before. No, not that –it was weird– but it wasn’t particularly uncomfortable, in fact, Remus’ kiss was quite nice.

It was delicate and it was sweet. Remus tasted of chocolate and rum, and you let yourself enjoy the moment, you were sure Sirius was intently staring at the both of you, you wondered what he was thinking as you felt the muscles of his tights tense, and relax. As you explored the gentle rhythm of Remus’ kiss, any apprehension dissipated, replaced by a growing sense of ease, even with Sirius staring at the two, it was strangely enjoyable. The gentleness of Remus' lips against yours seemed to resonate both affection and curiosity, you wondered if he was being gentle because that was in his nature, if he was being gentle because it was you he was kissing, or perhaps because you were in the middle of a dare, and that’s what would be expected of him.

Eventually, the last drop of sand from the hourglass reached the bottom, and it emitted a soft sound. You and Remus finally separated, looking at each other with breaths slightly heavy, both attempting to regain your composure. Once you caught your breath you decided you had to do something to ease the situation, or something. So you channelled your inner Sirius Black and reacted as he would, you smirked; “Well then Remus, thank you for that delightful kiss, love that you put in an effort even if it was just a dare, anyway, who’s next? I really can’t be the only one who keeps kissing everyone around me, can I?” People laughed at your reaction, Remus was shaking his head with a small smile slipping from his lips, maybe he had kissed Sirius in the end.

Sirius leaned into your ear, whispering “Smooth way to divert the tension luv,” he whispered as Imogen grabbed a paper, and you gulped as Sirius' breath brushed your neck.

“It’s me,” said Imogen, still processing how you’d been so brave to kiss a boy while sitting on another’s lap. She wanted to be like you when she grew older “It says: If you could be anyone in this room, who would it be?” She seemed to think about it for a second “I mean… right at this moment? (Y/N), she’s gotten the most action tonight.”

You laughed, reclining against Sirius unconsciously, “Well, then, switch with me,” you told her as a joke, but you felt Sirius’ hold tighten, as if reproachful.

Peter leaned in for a paper “Give your best friend a lap dance.” He read. “What?! Who wrote this?” You laughed, at least you hadn’t gotten that one.

“Get up Jaaaames,” you heard Sirius say in a sing-song voice from behind. He pulled a chair with magic to the centre of the circle and set the record player to “Love to Love You Baby” by Donna Summer.

James sat on the chair with a smile as Peter stood up, walking in front of James and started to dance. Peter was not vibing with the song or the dare for that matter. But he pulled through, even with Sirius’ constant teasing “Come on Pete, you’re not getting tips tonight if you don’t put in an effort!”

You eventually joined the teasing too, whistling as Sirius continued talking. Once the song was over Peter went instantly back to his place, hiding his entire face between his hands and questioning all the life decisions that had led him to that moment.

There was only one paper left, and it was James' turn. He leaned in and grabbed the truth paper “Have you ever had a crush on anyone in this circle?” He read, and then he nodded “Of course I have. But you all know who it is already.”

Lily coughed several times “Well, game’s over,” she said as she stood up and pulled Marlene towards the fire with her “We should sleep soon, so go ahead, time to open the gifts.”

Marlene raised an eyebrow at her, she just shrugged. You, like the good friend you were, decided to tease her further, finally leaving Sirius’ lap and walking behind her “Wow, Lils, never seen you run from a situation faster than that.”

“Shut it, luv.” She Told you and pulled you to sit on the sofa, the rest followed you seconds after, all walking towards the comfortable living room-like setup in front of the sofa. Once everyone was comfortable, Beth urged Marlene to sit on the rug in front of everyone to open her gifts. She’d gotten a quill set from her parents, a magical chess set, an enchanted journal, some fun jewellery, the Jersey you’d gotten her and many other things.

You all sat comfortably in front of the fire as she continued opening her gifts.

You leaned down next to her when she opened a box with bright red wrapping “Is that quidditch polish set?” You asked with a smile “That’s brilliant!”

“Thanks,” said James, of course, he would have been the one to give her that “now you can be the fastest beater.”

Sirius looked at him with a shrug and hit him on the arm with the back of his hand in a reproachful manner “Way to drag your friend down, mate!”

“Hmmm… there’s only one way to find out,” Marlene said with a shrug “A race…” she smirked at the last bit.

You looked at her and then back at Sirius, eyebrows raised slightly and nodding along with Marlene “AND you know, Sirius Black does owe me race…”

He looked at you with an amused look on his face, his eyes shining at the dare “You’re on.”

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A/N: I swear this has been one of my favourite chapters to write so far. What was our dear Sirius thinking when he stared at you? What was Remus thinking? So much drama I love this sm. Some interesting things are coming soon, stay tuned lovelies <3

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bloodyshadow1 · 9 months ago

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the bad kids ranked by how much I think Arthur Aguefort likes them for fun. mostly written before Junior year but I wanted to post before the penultimate episode tonight

6th Riz- I dont think Arthur dislikes Riz, I just think they don't exactly get on. Arthur is the ultimate authority at the school but also a rule breaker, while Riz is kind of a stickler for the rules which I think would cause some friction or at the very least I think the two of them are more neutral than anything towards each other. Riz has his feral and chaotic moments, but I don't think Arthur really sees them compared to the rest of the bad kids who are more chaotic instead of feral

5th Fabian- I also don't think Arthur dislikes Fabian, I think they don't really have much to talk about. I think one of the few conversations they had, Arthur basically gave him the okay to bring the hangman along on their spring break trip so I don't think there's bad blood between them, just again kind of neutral. I think Fabian is less cringey than Riz and Arthur is more likely to laugh at his jokes so he's higher on this list

4th Gorgug- Things with gorgug are weird, because he could go up or down on this list depending on the conversation. They have a weird relationship since there are times that just by questioning him Gorgug pisses Arthur off and he isn't afraid to say so. Other times he seems to respect Gorgug like when he says he did the right thing with Zelda in Sophomore years, which while creepy is respectful. He also seems to take Gorgug's advice to heart with Ayda and trusts Gorgug with his magic pocket watch. I think he respects Gorgug but would also hunt him for sport if the opportunity arose. I think if Gorgug had nemesis alert Arthur would be listed, I don't think he hates Gorgug by any means, but feels like it's the right thing to do in his own twisted mind.

3rd Kristen- She's another one who could go up or down on the list depending on when, seeing as she did bring Arthur back to life and snuck him in and out of heaven. She also pissed him off and made him go into a rant when she tried to say love was the most powerful magic of all. Still, he seems to at least like her a little bit so it's kind of a toss up. But Kristen is a crazy entity even within the bad kids which earns her extra points.

2nd Fig- I think Arthur really likes Fig, she's wild and crazy, which fits him just fine. I think the challenge to create a brand new creature out of nothing that could transport them around before they left solace/elmville at the start of sophomore year endeared her specifically to him. I think he is very happy that she is the one dating his daughter, however I think he takes his job as Fig's girlfriend's father very seriously and is ready to destroy Fig at any moment.

1st Adaine. I think Arthur Aguefort likes Adaine the most out of the bad kids. partially because she's a fellow wizard and his daughter's best/first friend, but there are other reasons. I think he enjoys Adaine's attitude most out of the bad kids, she isn't afraid to be savage and let out dark jokes when the mood suits her that even the other bad kids find appalling but suits Arthur just fine. While the bad kids are full of chaos gremlins, I think adaine is more feral than chaotic which is why I think Arthur would prefer her the most. Adaine also has the most the Seven energy of the bad kids and since sophomore year her bloodthirsty nature and lack of respect for authority and refusal to back down when she thinks she's right makes her the perfect student to him. I feel like if he was in his right mind and not dead the first day of school he would have seen this tiny shaking high elf in a hudol uniform covered in blood because she just killed the lunch lady with her own ladle, he would have been like, when she graduates, I'm going to be her best friend when she graduates and she would have no say. So to be clear, I don't think this is good for Adaine in anyway to be his favorite, I just think she is his favorite Bad Kid

And for the most part, I think Arthur genuinely likes the bad kids as students and as an adventuring party, but in a way that's not good for them. He respects their violent nature and drive to make a nuisance out of themselves to any villains that might be hatching or in the middle of an evil plan. Not to mention their refusal to obey rules and laws that they feel are unjust or annoying. It's why they're his favorite, it's why he knew it would be them who would understand his point behind the last stand-ard exam, he just loves them because they are everything he's looking for in adventuring students.

#fantasy high #fantasy high junior year #arthur aguefort #the bad kids #fhjy #riz gukgak #fabian seacaster #gorgug thistlespring #kristen applebees #fig faeth #adaine abernant

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felicitysmoaksx · 2 months ago

Note

For the sarah x connor advent calendar challenge, can you do something inspired by the fight sarah and dr charles had in the last episode?

WELCOME! IT'S THE FIRST OF DECEMBER! WHICH MEANS IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF MY ADVENT RHEESE WRITING CHALLENGE! Side Note: These won't be as long as this one or have a moodboard, but even though this was requested to be a part of this challenge, I was going to post this much earlier. However, Thanksgiving Week hasn't given me a lot of time to finish/write. And I still need 11 more prompts! Info can be found on the original post! Happy Reading! (Putting it under a read more bc it's more than 1k!)

Maybe it’s the Past That’s Talking (And I’m Nervous What You’ll Think of Me Now)

“Oh, so you found someone special?” Maggie asked and Sarah shrugged as she admitted softly, “Sort’ve.”

“Sort of?” The charge nurse raised her eyebrows.

“It’s complicated. We haven’t lived in the same state since we both left here. Not really. We’ve mostly met at conferences and such. Or if one of us is in the other’s city for the weekend, we meet and are together. Like a couple. But when we’re apart, we’re apart. We don’t call each other; we’re allowed to date other people. But it’s…” Sarah knew she probably wasn’t making any sense. Because why would anyone choose to have half a relationship with someone?

“Butterflies and fireworks?” Maggie asked with a grin.

Sarah exhaled with a soft smile of her own, “Every single time. And he makes me feel more in our limited time together than when I’m actively in the dating scene.”

“So if it works and you know it works, why not try for more?” The brunette considered the question. It was one she had asked herself more than once before. And just like every time before, her answer was the same.

“Because the time isn’t right and I don’t want to ruin what we have. So what we are is good enough for me right now. Butterflies and fireworks are worth waiting for. And I gotta be honest, so are you.”

“‘I gotta be honest?’ Do you know who you sound like?” Maggie smirked at her, completely distracted from the question she was about to ask; if she knew the doctor Sarah was seeing especially if they had both been at Med.

“How dare you,” the brunette accused without any real heat and the charge nurse huffed a laugh, “Speaking of which, can we see if he’s finally discharged, Ariel Sparkman?”

Maggie glanced over at the screen. “Nope. Ariel Sparkman hasn’t been discharged yet.”

[LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK]

Old habits die hard. Sarah thought ruefully she paced the length of the old bathroom she used to cry in as a med student. Or muscle memory…Then as soon as she realized what she was doing, she found herself in her old favorite hiding spot on Med’s roof. The one she used to occupy when her bathroom wasn’t available. A bittersweet laugh bubbled out of her mouth.

She had only been back at Med a day and she already felt like that medical student eight years ago. Dr. Charles had called her care of Ariel disturbing…

Pulling out her phone, she searched for a phone number and then stared at it. They didn’t usually call each other when they were apart. It wasn’t part of their unspoken rules of whatever they were… But being back at Med. He might be the only one who would understand. After all, he had left Gaffney too.

Sarah bit her lip as hit the phone icon and put it up to her ear. The line trilled four times before he picked up.

“Reese?” Connor Rhodes questioned in lieu of a greeting. Sarah squeezed her eyes shut and sucked in a breath, before releasing it slowly.

“Yeah. Hi, I know we don’t usually call each other. But I just…” she shook her head. It wasn’t going to sound right. Because it didn’t sound right to her. She felt about two inches tall because of what? Dr. Charles raised his voice at her? Like that hadn’t happened before…“Sorry, it’s stupid. I’m going to just let you go.”

“Hang on,” Connor’s voice made her pause before she ended the call, “Have you been crying?”

Was she? Sarah reached up to feel tears streaming down her cheeks. “I guess so.”

“What happened?” Connor prodded gently and Sarah felt her lip start to wobble. So she sucked in a breath and counted to ten before she could answer.

“Sarah,” her non-boyfriend prompted again when she took too long to answer. Before it had been Reese, now he had switched himself into boyfriend mode and it was Sarah. The brunette chastised herself for breaking the rules and calling him in the first place.

“It’s not important.”

“You crying says otherwise,” Connor retorted. Then when she stayed silent, “Tell me or I’m booking a flight to Chicago.”

“You can’t just-”

“I can,” he interrupted in a dry voice, “I have so many vacation days it’s laughable.”

“What if I’m not in Chicago?” Sarah asked petulantly, scrubbing at her face as if that helped anything.

“You are. But even if you aren't, you have to come back sometime and I can hang out with my sister until you do.”

She exhaled shakily. “It’s not that big of a deal. I’m probably overreacting.”

“Tell me, anyways.”

When she remained quiet, he sighed. “Okay then, I guess I’ll see you soon then.”

“I’m back at Med,” Sarah admitted, slumping back against the wall. Then there was a pause then Connor said, “I thought you were still at that center.”

“I am, but a patient of mine was taken to Med. So I’m here and I have temporary privileges until Dr. Charles decides to discharge them.”

“And?”

“Besides seeing Maggie, which is the only bright spot here, I feel like I did six years ago. A fumbling resident who’s just trying to keep her head above water.”

“Sarah,” but the brunette didn’t want his reassurances right now so it was her turn to interrupt him, “Everyone else is gone. April, Ethan, Dr. Manning and even Will.”

“Yeah, Will is in Seattle with Natalie and Owen now. I ran into him about four months back when I had a layover.” Her non-boyfriend told her.

“Maggie said April and Ethan got married. They run a mobile clinic now.” She continued.

“That’s nice for them…” Connor said sincerely. Then he offered again in a soft tone, “You know my offer still stands. I could be in Chicago in an hour and a half even.”

(That wasn’t what they did though. Sarah was already breaking the rules and it seemed silly for him to fly out here just because she was having a rough day)

“Hawaii is much farther away than that,” Sarah pointed out instead... At least that’s where Connor was at the last time they had met up six months ago. He had taken a job there after a three year stint with the Mayo Clinic.

“I’m not actually in Hawaii right now. I’m in Minneapolis for a hybrid O.R. I’m helping oversee the setup. But we finished last night. So I’m okay to leave early.” He told her.

“No, stay in Minneapolis. I’m fine. Really,” Sarah found herself saying as she shook her head even though he couldn’t see her. Because this is why they had the don’t call policy if they weren’t together. Because even though it had been years…(seven years to be exact) as soon as he said Minneapolis, her mind went to Robin Charles. Which brought her back to her argument with Dr. Charles and she had other things she needed to worry about with a different Dr. Charles and-

“It’s just weird being back at Med. I’m sorry I called and bothered you.” Sarah told him softly, willing her brain to stop her racing thoughts to a screeching halt.

“You didn’t bother me, Sarah.” He sounded like he meant it. But the brunette merely sighed. Connor Rhodes still didn’t need her to interrupt his life.

“I've got to go.” She said the excuse instead, “I’ll see you when I see you I guess.”

“Wait, Sarah-” But Sarah had already ended the call. She tilted her up and looked as directly into the sun as she could without damaging her eyes. Now she felt the tears stinging her eyes.

[LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK]

Unknowing to Sarah, Connor sat in a diner booth looking at flights to Chicago. Because even though he reassured Sarah that she could call him whenever, she didn’t. And the first time she does, she’s crying? It didn’t sit well with him.

“Are you leaving already? I thought you said you’d have the weekend, at least.” Robin said as she came back from the bathroom and slid into the booth across from him.

“Change of plans,” Connor shrugged still looking at flights, “I was going to stay but my girlfriend is having a bad day so since I’m so close to her city, I thought I’d surprise her.”

“You have a girlfriend,” Connor looked up at the surprised tone of his ex-girlfriend’s voice. Robin Charles was grinning though. The dark-haired man still felt heat flush up his neck.

“Of course, you have a girlfriend.” But she didn’t say it like it was a bad thing. More wistful, “And of course you’re going to go surprise her because she’s having a bad day.”

“Yeah, for the last five years? It’s a weird complicated thing. But it’s good.” He told his ex-girlfriend with a slightly guilty grin. There was a pause then and Robin shook her head.

“Do you think we would’ve worked out?”

“I don’t know. Maybe in another lifetime where everything didn’t end the way it did. But I understand why you had to leave.”

#chicago med #one chicago #sarah reese #connor rhodes #my writing #rheese #felicitysmoaksx 2024 advent writing challenge

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hourglassfish · 1 year ago

Text

On Season 1, Episode 7 Part Three : Risottogate

OK look,

Go and get yourself an ecto cooler or something, cus this is long, OK? This is long.

You comfortable?

Alright, let’s go.

don't forget the Xanax!

Elevated Beef (stock)

There’s a connection drawn between Sydney and veal stock in the Bear. She spills it all over herself during Brigade. Claire interrupts Carmy purchasing veal stock for menu testing her bone broth idea at the end of 2:2. It’s an interesting ingredient to align her with: a staple of French cuisine, something you’ll find in a professional high end kitchen but not necessarily at home, a distinctive, practical component which provides a subtle, solid umami base for a range of dishes.

The first time this connection is drawn is during one of my favourite interactions: the ‘plum haribo’ story in Brigade. Marcus has decorated his work station (I love him), and despite the fact that Carmy says he’s having flashbacks (eeeeeeek), I think he is happy to see this coming together of his two worlds.

They start talking about this fancy plum dish, and a gelee component (which will reappear in Honeydew!) that had to have a very specific texture. Carmy has been talking about the dedication needed to make this dish work with pride, presenting the texture of the gelee as a huge challenge, something it took someone a year to figure out. Sydney cracks it in less than a minute. Veal fat. She knows what’s needed, and she knows why: it congeals when it’s cold. Boom!

Carmy’s response to this always amuses me. He is not…dismayed exactly. Not quite. After all, it’s a reminder of her brilliance, and also that that world is not so far away. That being said, she cuts across a punchline here; and what was a mystery to the best chefs in the world for a year is immediately obvious to her, to the extent that it’s not even really a flex on her part: she states it quite diffidently. Marcus’s gleeful ‘Mission Accomplished’ is very different from Carmy’s, which is a bit more ‘…oh.’.

On rewatches where I feel charitable, Carmy then implements the brigade cus he's been reminded that he has someone close by from that world, he has an ally that speaks his language, who is talented. On days when I feel less charitable, I combine this with him later talking her through the differences between stock/jus/demi-glace in front of Tina like an asshole, and see him handing the brigade over at that specific moment, in the specific way that he does as passive aggressive. Most days I’m with the former! Still…we’re back in the grey areas of Syd and Carmy’s dynamic. Where all the good shit is!

He's so glad she figured that out so quickly, absolutely not feeling a type of way about it, nope, not at all

I wanted to start with this story cus it opens up three things for me:

a) just a frisson, a hint, a delicious drop (!) of competition between Syd and Carmy

b) the question, beloved by fanfic writers everywhere, of what the dynamic between these two might have been if they had met in a different context.

c) a third, messier thing, about Carmy going away, tooling up, coming back and it needing to be worth something, that going way. As far as he knows at this point, It didn’t achieve what it was meant to achieve, it didn’t get Mikey’s attention. Maybe he didn’t need to leave Chicago to do it. Sydney's talent tickles that tension, as does Marcus's (trios, trios!). So what was it for? What were the past few years of his life for, if a bunch of this stuff was in Chicago all along?

Who was Carmy away from Chicago? Who is he without his family? We’ve only seen one flashback so far, very much from inside Carmy’s head. The way he tells it is very different from what we see. At Al Anon, he describes himself like this:

‘when somebody new came into the restaurant to stage, I’d look at them like they were competition, like I’m gonna smoke this motherfucker’.

But you're tall and sexy, so don't worry about it babes

Gosh. Yes Chef!

I don’t think Carmy holds anything like this level of aggression towards any of the original staff of the Beef: it would be absurd: they don’t have his training or experience. For the most part we see doing the work of pulling a team together, which explicitly involves putting that kind of competitiveness to the side.

I don’t think he has this energy for Sydney.

Not quite.

I do think it’s an important thing for us to learn about his character. I do think that we are told it at the beginning of Episode 8, after Sydney has quit, because there are ugly feelings around the risotto dish. I do think that those feelings drive a lot of how Review goes down, and that Carmy knows this.

This ferocious comparison and competition, used as a driving force, is a part of who Carmy is, and a part of the kitchens that he has come from. In another context, Sydney would have just been competition. And he’d have been trying to smoke her.

Let’s follow a humble bowl of risotto through THREE EPISODES, and about 5000 words, good GOD.

Tracing the Journey of the Risotto: Unanticipated

I tried to find appetising pics of her cooking the risotto but mostly it doesn't look very aesthetic, so here is Syd in my fave of her scarves.

A Risotto, playing on ‘tongue in cheek’ is first tentatively pitched in Sheridan, as an idea for a new menu that they have ‘spoken about’. Carmy is… noncommittal. He’s not into it, but he doesn’t say that, he just doesn’t really engage. I think there are a bunch of valid reasons to not be into it, tbh. I’ve ordered risotto to go. It’s always kind of gluey and disappointing. Sydney isn’t given a clear no, so she decides to cook it: it becomes something she has to convince him on.

He doesn’t get to try it in this episode as there are drugs to sell and about a million different fires to fight. We know that she dreams about this dish though. In this episode she talks about how thinking about her mistakes with Sheridan Road keep her up at night, but the last images of the episode are of her dreaming: beef… raspberries… cola… fire: there it is. Cola braised short rib. We’re back in the realm of deeply personal creative expression that I spoke about in part two. That anxious energy around failing with Sheridan Road? Is going somewhere else, is being transformed. This is important, and has the potential to be profoundly healing. This dish has meaning for her.

The dish returns in Ceres. Syd is an unstoppable force with the dish, and having said she wants to be listened to, is not listening to several requests from Carmy for more time. Stressful! He deals with it well, at first. He is calm, and polite and asks her to hold on. Which is not a no. But then -

‘I know everybody you used to work for, I called them before hiring you’

oooooh weeee.

There is nothing wrong with him seeking out references. His reasons are logical, and he’s transparent about them. Personally? I think it’s sensible to let employees know you’re seeking out references to avoid paranoia, but it’s not a legal requirement. People do it informally via whisper networks all the time, both purposefully and by accident. Gotta say though, the phrasing and the timing of this ‘reveal’ made me wince.

There are a million different theories of feedback, of how to give and receive it well. One argues that feedback must be asked for, accurate and measurable. If it’s not measurable, then you are nitpicking. If it’s not accurate, you’re hating. If it’s not asked for, or at least delivered in an environment where it’s anticipated, it is unlikely to be received well. Carmy, unfortunately, delivers a whopper of unanticipated feedback here: ‘me and all your old bosses (I know EVERYONE YOU USED TO WORK WITH)have been talking about you and they all agree on this flaw’.

YIKES

Would I let Syd stab me for a bowl of this? Maaaaybe. Maybe.

My reading is that he wanted to ask for her patience, and to say that his decision to pace out the changes is coming from experience, but he’s being backed into a corner, so he summons up the spectre of her old bosses for back up. Syd had opened up last episode, and is still very vulnerable about Sheridan, so he unintentionally wounds her here. We can read this in her response. He says her employers said she was smart, talented, green and impatient, she hears ‘me and everyone you’ve worked for think your business failed because you were green and impatient, that’s why you’re here, and why this dish can’t go on the menu’. This dish is getting entangled in so many other things about where they’ve come from.

He does take the time to reframe it: outlines his practical concerns, and starts to articulate that he wants to maintain calm before they make more changes -

And then Sugar is banging on the door, demonstrating his point.

At this point, Carmy is trying to build a parachute. They don’t have one when Jimmy comes to visit in Hands, but they do have one that becomes Richie’s bail by Braciole. Reserve building takes steady, dull consistency, but this isn’t communicated, and they don’t agree on a timeframe for the menu development, or even to come back to this conversation. This is small stuff, I know I sound nitpicky! But in my experience managing people, tension builds in the unknowns, in the places where there aren’t specifics, especially when you have a team member like Sydney who is ambitious and dynamic.

Sydney is firmly in the realm of the job that Carmy specified here. He is dialling business, she is doing everything else. If you’re a nerd and you zoom in on her CV, she has done menu development before. She is green, but not that green. She is impatient, but she also doesn’t have the same complicated relationship with change at the Beef that pretty much everyone else but Marcus does. The risotto is the first unofficial test of the impact of strain on their (messy ass) working dynamic, to Review’s much more official gauntlet.

Why would they write a proper CV and film it if they didn't want me to spend 5 minutes hitting pause repeatedly until I'd read it?

*squints* designed daily specials with complete creative control! At Alinea! A THREE STAR MICHELIN RESTAURANT! At the time they wrote this, it had held and retained those stars for twelve years! She is not new to this!

Tracing the Journey of the Risotto Two: Unmeasurable

They try again with the risotto later. She is a little more patient, initially. She makes the effort and he thanks her for it. He tries it, which she really wanted (surely that will convince him!), and she has modified her request, from to-gos, to trying it as a special. Her equivalent of baby steps. She listened. She’s trying. Lovely Angel and my main man Ebra come by, taste and support Carmy’s ‘tremendous’.

But here Carmy gives feedback that isn’t measurable. It’s not perfect, but he doesn’t say why, even though he knows, and it’s an easy fix! He’s nitpicking, because he doesn’t, for a bunch of practical reasons, want to put risotto on the menu, but doesn’t want to shoot her down. He asks her if she understands after she has explicitly said that she doesn’t (cus he’s not being up front), and then doesn‘t explain himself. He’s not really asking if she understands, he’s telling her to stop. It’s not really the dish that’s not ready, not really, it’s him, he’s not ready to make a new raft of changes, to think through the gap between the Michelin star excellence he has come from, and the budgetary, practical restrains of where he’s at.

I think this is really fair. Or at least understandable. Carmy just wants to catch a breath, and he has to have oversight on so many different things at once, adding something else to that must feel terrifying. But the way he communicates this shuts down and restricts: he switches the dynamic from one where they listen to each other (which requires that they both explain themselves) to one where he tells and she does. It doesn’t really give her anywhere to go, so her frustration is inevitable and also understandable. Measurable feedback! Clarity. If you don’t want risotto on the menu Carmy, rip the band-aid, and say it, and say why. Get her to work on something that is going to fit with the menu in a different way, in the way that you want, and be clear about the way in which you want to shape it!

He knows he’s not been great here. Carmy apologises for ‘being shitty’ later in the episode (as others have noted, it’s a shit apology) and he also starts his apology with ‘needs acid’ in 1:8. He knows that a lot of Review is to do with this dish.

When Carmy apologises about being shitty later in Ceres, she doesn’t mention that she put the dish out earlier. It’s framed as a little moment of.. if not revenge, then a little something for herself. I think she knows it’s not OK, not really, or she’d have mentioned it, and her face says a lot when she says it’s cool. I’m not a chef, I only ever worked FOH, but my instinct is that its dodgy and it fills me with unease. A grey area. A pop of tension.

Tracing the Journey of the Risotto Three: Hating

Whenever I think about the strikes, I think about the broader ensemble in this show.

The next time the risotto turns up, it’s being mentioned in a review. A lot happens here, so I’m gonna bullet point out all the references, then analyse some of them afterwards. I’m also gonna jump a whole bunch, cus I want to stay tightly focused on the risotto itself, and the dynamic between Syd and Carmy as relates to it:

Ebra reads the review out!

Syd has a lovely, gentle smile for Ebra as he reads it, her whole body relaxes as she taps at the tablet. This validation clearly means a lot to her. Ebra’s dynamic with both Sydney and Marcus is consistently a joy to behold. When he tells her in Dogs that she’s given Marcus a lot of confidence, she glows, and I think it’s something she really needed to hear. He’s subtle about it, but he never makes her life difficult when she implements the brigade. There’s something about the oldest member of the team, reading the review out, a little haltingly cus English isn’t his first language, that doubles down on the love that can be present in the Beef, making it all the more jarring when –

Carmy cuts across this and starts talking about the day’s opening with a ‘stop reading that shit’

Fam ‘that shit’ just described your food as elevated and elegant! In the foodie heaven that is Chicago! In your restaurant which is kind of failing! It’s your team’s first review since you’ve been there! So straight away you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, because what has got his knickers in a twist?

Carmy is justified in being pissed off about Syd’s actions here. What he is not justified in, is not finding a way to celebrate the review itself with his team, who deserve to have this moment. It’s a milestone for them to get some external validation, and the restaurant, quite frankly, needs it. A five star review! Tina squeals with delight when she hears it. Before a new program and a busy shift is the perfect moment to read this out, and go into the work feeling good. A united, gassed up team? Would have killed those to gos.

Sydney is also responsible for this messiness though. In going rogue the episode before, something which could have been about the team becomes about her in a way that is sticky, and it becomes harder to celebrate. It was not her intention, but this is the outcome.

Ebra ignores Carmy

(cus he’s redundant and white JK JK don’t cancel me)

There is a double edged shout out to the team

‘the staff moves are next level’: this is such brilliant, important feedback from a team that has had to weather so much change! Also calls back to Richie: ‘Uh oh, Sydney making moves!’ in the car in Hands.

‘The sandwiches are so delicious as ever, but the standout dish that... that, that encapsulates all, this was the risotto with braised beef. The rice was luscious with a surprising ribbon of brine running through the sauce. The chef obviously knew what she was doing’

THAT REVIEWER IS A SNITCH

Did Syd know that reviewer was a reviewer? I dunno man. Maybe! She’s Chicago born and bred, knows the food scene well. It’s not outside of the realm of possibility that she’d recognise him. Maybe she just wanted some good immediate feedback, while she was feeling shitty! Maybe all she wanted was him to send a message back to the kitchen that’s like tell Syd the risotto was great: the impact of his Review but on a much smaller, less disruptive scale.

I think it’s genuine coincidence, which unfortunately looks… not like that. The thing is: the reviewer being a reviewer isn’t what the issue is. The issue is giving food not signed off by her boss to a customer. She'd have never gotten away with that at the places where she was before. Putting the dish out is going rogue, regardless of who she gives it to. It’s not a team move. If Carmy called in her old bosses for back up, she calls in his potential new customers. Eek. EEK.

Sydney desperately tries to get Ebra to shush, to no avail

(extremely funny work from Ayo, but also he’s pissed, and she either already knows it, or already antipates it – it’s hard to get a read on how long they’ve been in and when they learnt about the review)

‘river of brine, huh?’

Carmy, you little snark!!! This is very much his wheelhouse of expressing displeasure, he loves a little jab to the emotional solar plexus. My reading of his line is that what the reviewer tried and what Carmy tried are different, because if it had a ribbon of brine in it, I think that means that there was enough acid. Syd has two dishes, and she’s specific about Carmy trying one and not the other, so my reading here is that Carmy’s POV is not only did a dish go out of my kitchen without my sign off, but it was different from the dish I was given to try. Wince. Wince, wince, wince.

Sydney and Carmy have a fucking excruciating conversation.

Just the worst.

Carmy is not happy, but feels unable to voice this in a way that seems reasonable: he’s busy and stressed about to-gos, he hasn’t moved past the unreasonable feelings of resentment and annoyance to the clarity which enables you to articulate how you feel and why, and because Syd’s gamble paid off! It’s a net positive for the restaurant so it feels counterintuitive to reprimand her, but there is a conversation they need to have. He really does not want to have this conflict, because it’s complicated, and is, like most big blow outs over something small, about so much more than a plate of risotto. He breezes over the conversation, but you can’t start with that ribbon of brine opener and then tell me shit’s not weird.

Compare this to Brigade, when Sydney is asked what’s up, and she is brave enough and vulnerable enough to be like – here are the things that weren’t OK, here are my expectations, here are my boundaries.

On the other side of the conversation, Sydney knows that she has slipped across a slightly odd boundary, but doesn’t acknowledge this. It’s good he liked it! All’s well that ends well. Right? RIGHT? But if he hadn’t? Very different conversation. It doesn’t matter who he is! He could have been anyone - someone that left a weird Instagram comment later, or someone who didn’t finish the meal and complained. Whatever the case may be, giving it to him unofficially was not an act of partnership, or listening, even if the initial communication was shitty.

She knows she’s overstepped, but she doesn’t apologise and doesn’t acknowledge the specifics of what she’s done wrong, because she does not want to have the conflict that could come out of this either. She seeks affirmations that they are OK rather than trying to actually find out how Carmy feels and why, because at this point she doesn’t really want to hear it. She is seeking this conversation out 20 minutes before open! It’s not the time for a thorny, complex discussion.

Compare this to Brigade. Carmy knows Sydney is pissed, and makes the effort to speak to her, in private, armed with the peace offering of Ebra’s Suqaar. He is very careful in that conversation to ask open questions (‘what’s going on with you? Say more?’) that enable her to respond honestly. He persists despite her having her walls up around the fact that she’s pissed. Sydney does not do this. The power dynamic makes it hard, but still. If she wants the connection needed to power reconciliation, that bravery needs to be in play.

are you sure we can't just power through this with sexual tension?

Sweeps congratulates her and tells her she’ll have to tell her dad

Hope Mr Adamu got a newspaper clipping!

Carmy says the sandwiches are totally different and the reviewer is a fucking hack. Syd looks sad.

This moment is why I opened this essay talking about veal stock. We are back in a moment with a gap between what has been said, and what has been heard. The reviewer said the sandwiches were delicious as ever. That’s not a criticism at all! These are not words that justify being called a hack! Carmy is pissed because the reviewer says they are delicious and they always have been, that Carmy has not improved on the staple that was there before him.

And that shit hurts his ego!

His whole thing was going off to learn ‘how to be better than mom and dad’s piece of shit’. We know he’s changed a bunch of things about the sandwiches. In Hands, Sydney mentions that they’ve switched to market produce, which I’m sure is not unrelated to Richie’s ‘You’ve been here for two weeks and we’ve had money problems for two weeks’ in System. In Carmy’s time there, the bread’s changed, the method for cooking the beef has changed, the way they braise onions has changed.

To that customer? Delicious as ever.It’s not a dismissal, or an insult. It is a reminder that Carmy didn’t have to leave, and go through all he went through, that there was delicious food and skills to be learned and refined without it. We know Michael was a talented chef. Even now, with all of where he’s been, Carmy cannot surpass him or his memory.

The person that does surpass that? Is Sydney. With food his palate did not deem good enough! Sydney who has not had to leave Chicago and her family. Sydney who has found a way to be creatively free, even at The Beef, in ways that Carmy has not really been able to, because his primary concern has to be money. There is understandable resentment here. But there is competition to the way Carmy cooks, something to prove, someone to smoke. There are reasonable feelings here, but some of them are really ugly, too.

Tina describes Syd as Jeff’s friend

This is a strange little line – because we know that Tina respects Syd as a chef at this point, and she doubles down on it later when she asks Syd to teach Louis skills, like she herself has been taught. So why’s it there? My feeling is that it’s there to remind the audience of what Syd and Carmy’s relationship is usually like. I wouldn’t call it friendship, I think they operate in a weird place that defies labels, but they have this synergy which drives the business. Tina evoking that in this moment draws attention to the fact that they are not in that space right now.

He's just got a very sweet face, it's hard for me to believe he's in trouble at school

Richie has a loud, performative conversation with Carmy about many things, but for the purpose of this section, he states that they don’t do risotto, asks if they’re going to, and Carmy definitively states that ‘no, they’re not going to do that’ he also repeats Syd’s phrasing that it was ‘an accident’

She stabbed the wrong ass if you ask me!

Nah, but for real, this is nasty work. I’m gonna come back to it in the next (penultimate!) bit of writing about the Beef, the Bear, Richie & Michael, Syd & Carmy. For now, I will simply say that Carmy is doing up major pass agg here, and it’s nasty to watch. He’s really, really unhappy with her, and he’s struggling to hold it in, so it’s coming out in unhelpful and unpleasant ways that feel like humiliations in front of the whole team, and punishment.

There are really valid reasons for Carmy to be annoyed and to not want to talk about it right now. The problem is that If you don’t create a pressure valve you take responsibility for, you will end up a) exploding instead (lol) and/or b) releasing that frustration in unhelpful and harmful ways.

They move towards this with their ASL sorry in Season Two. But here, Carmy says and implies a bunch of things to Richie that he needed to say explicitly to Syd two episodes ago, and two minutes ago: that he has no intention of putting risotto on the menu, and that he thinks her saying it was an accident was bullshit. He wants Syd to know it’s not OK without the hard, painful work of having to engage in conflict with her. It’s shitty.

Sweet Louis asks what a ribbon of brine is

He seems like a good boy, bring him back!

A BUNCH OF STUFF THAT I WILL WRITE ABOUT NEXT TIME HAPPENS

Richie, Syd and Carmy, it’s delicious (a nightmare).

Syd attempts a second conversation with Carmy – having vented some frustration at Richie, and seeing how her workload is piling up and becoming untenable, she is much more open here. Carmy is not.

She’s blunt – we’re not on the same page. Carmy lies and deflects – we’re good, let’s get through the shift. He has his hands on his hips, with as much of his body turned away from her as possible, during this conversation, and walks off half way through it. Even if everything had gone right, this shift would have been a nightmare for Syd.

Everything is awesome!

The penultimate mention of the risotto is here. There is very little I can say that has not been brilliantly said by eatandsleepwell here - https://www.tumblr.com/hourglassfish/726487509540962304/eatandsleepwell-melonatures-this-one-second?source=share so I’m gonna link it.

That’s the last we hear of risotto for now, other than a quick reference to Syd as an arrogant and condescending ribbon of brine from Richie later. It doesn’t turn up on the tasting menu at the Bear, where it defo feels like a riff on risotto could have replaced one of their pasta dishes. That switch from rice to pasta feels pointed.

Spaghetti

Let’s treat The Beef as a character. If Sydney’s ingredient motif is veal stock, then The Beef’s is that family spaghetti.

Cheap and simple. Fucking delicious. Makes no sense and shouldn’t work, but was somehow the best seller on the menu. Distinctively Italian. Stuffed full of drug money(!). Always, always presented at the table with love, like a gift. You can elevate it if you want, but the fact of the matter is that even at its very best, it’s only gonna hit so hard cus it reminds you of simpler times, like the ratatouille (that is not a ratatouille!) from the movie Ratatouille.

Carmy rejects that meal at the top of the series. It ‘doesn’t make sense on the menu’, so he doesn’t care that people loved it. So far, so EMP. When he starts to cook it in episode one, it feels like a relenting to Richie’s bullying, and him throwing WHAT WE NOW KNOW WAS PROBABLY A FEW THOUSAND DOLLARS in the bin at the end of the episode feels like this exhilarating rejection of mediocrity. They change the lines for System, but in the pilot, Carmy literally cannot make the spaghetti, that last lesson from Michael is a real missing puzzle piece.

In Braciole, when he gets the recipe, he goes to cook it, for family. It’s really nice, that scene, feels comparable to Sydney making omelette. It’s quiet, and Carmy seems content, if wistful. The pork instead of beef panic of earlier is put to the side for now. The previous day, Carmy has gone to Al-Anon and confessed, unburdened himself. Then followed two quiet days and a blue hued night of atonement: he reaffirmed his commitment to Richie, paying his bail and keeping watch all night, gave Tina the night off, apologised to Marcus and acknowledged that his behaviour towards Sydney wasn’t acceptable, as well as speaking to her about her dish, like an adult. Carmy has to do all of this before he finds the money, before he gets the validation that he’s really longing for from his brother.

JAW getting his Emmy, his Golden Globe, his SAG Award, his Bafta, his future Oscar Winning role.

If The Bear at its core is about grief, and the void that Michael’s death leaves, then one of the big journeys of Season One is the subsequent death of the Beef, ready for its rebirth as The Bear in the following season. Review is the short sharp stab to the gut, of Sydney leaving, and taking any hope that it can be reformed as is, with her work. I don’t think the nature of a puncture wound, and the shortness of that episode are unrelated.

Braciole is more of a death rattle: Jimmy’s debt keeping them trapped in shitty work they don’t want to do, situations that spiral out of control and descend into violence, their parachute turned to bail money. But Michael wanted more for his brother than that, and he has left him a foundation. He does not have to burn the place down, there need not be smoke and hellfire. There’s another avenue for rebirth, one where ‘set this place on fire’ does not have to mean an insurance scam, but instead can mean an ignition of all their ambition and dreams.

To get there there has to be an ego death first, a moment of hubris that gets our protagonists fresh, and clean, so they can move to the new. Sydney sees and experiences the worst of herself (more on this in the final part!). Richie gets stabbed (more on this in the next part).

Carmy? Carmy has to encountera crisis where not only could his training not save him but many of the lessons he learnt while he was away and his reasons for going in the first place actively made the situation worse, and those that had faith in him and his preferred system turned away from him, deeply hurt. His ego gets in the way of connection, and it shatters the partnership that he needs to make it all work. He is clinging to old ways of being that has not served him, but he needs to move forward into what is new. And he does.

Well.

He tries.

SMDH

WHEW

Another long one, sorry fam. I’m almost there though. Am I sorry? No, I’m grateful if you read it, and I hope you enjoyed it.

I hope I’m pulling this together coherently, that I’m showing a sort of throughline to the way I view Episode 7. I don’t think Sydney is perfect! I do think her walking out is narratively and politically (the show wants better for the workplaces its drawn from) necessary, and I hate, hate, hate the simplification of that decision to ‘he shouted at her so she bailed’. Please, you can’t think this show is well written and think her decision is as simple as that, it doesn’t make sense. That exit is crafted so that it is inevitable, there is a movie’s worth of build up to it.

We’re looking at Richie, Syd and Carmy next time, fam. I am trying so hard to cut it down cus it’s currently sat at 15,000 words, but I’m gonna try really hard to edit down, OK? I’m gonna try really hard.

I can’t respond but I value reblogs and comments so much!

This is part of a five part series! You can find the rest here:

Expect More: Syd and Carmy's relationship,

I know you'll be listening: Marcus, McDonald's and Freedom

Risottogate

Hiring New Fucking Broads: Syd, Richie and conflict;

"That's Not You" The Moment Syd Walks Out

#the bear #carmy berzatto #sydney adamu #the bear meta

130 notes · View notes

missadangel · 5 months ago

Text

Little Bird in a Cage (Javier Peña x Reader)

Part 14: The Past

Gifs by jcylenz - nicholetread

----------- All episodes here --------------

“And put your right foot over there, hips, hips, yeah.”

“So it’s very important to maintain a certain distance something like this.”

“For instance we can do a one two three four five six step-“

Chucho looked very tired but he was happy, laughing.

After Javi finished his phone call, came into the living room, he got surprised to see you and Chucho dancing.

He leaned against the door with his arms crossed as watching you with a wide smile on his face.

‘I think that's enough,’ Chucho said panting. ‘I'm too old for this stuff, and I take it all back, Colombian salsa is fucking hard.’

‘Cali-style salsa aka Salsa Caleña,’ you corrected him. Then you put your hands on your waist, ‘and yes, it's hard unlike your weird cumbia dance.’

‘Pops, the last time I saw you dancing, I was six,’ Javi said with a laugh.

Chucho didn't look at him, still breathing hard. ‘And it better stay that way, I’ll beat you up if you mention about this to your tia.’

‘By the way, what's wrong with our cumbia? Salsa can’t be that hard.’

You rolled your eyes as Javi coming towards you.

‘Chucho said the same thing before he was sweating buckets,’ you raised your eyebrows, challenging him.

‘You should learn from your dad’s mistakes, son.’ Chucho grinned.

‘I got this dad,’ he put his hand on your waist and pulled you closer to him but you quickly wriggled out of his grip and pulled yourself back, putting some distance between you, he frowned.

Chucho laughed hard. ‘Be my guest, I have to get ready for damn wedding anyway,’ he snickered, walking towards his room.

You both ignored him and seriously put everything you have into it, as if you were in a dance competition. Javi tried to grab your waist but you pulled yourself away again.

‘Not so fast,’ you said with a laugh, throwing one foot back and taking two quick steps towards Javi with the other, never letting go of his arm, but he was getting impatience, he pulled you by the arm again, lifting up and spinning you around, you got surprised.

‘You should do this last-,’

Suddenly he lifted your body up and you found yourself on the couch with him bending over you.

‘You cheated,’ you chuckled, jokingly punched him on the shoulder.

‘I couldn't resist,’ he smiled and kissed you.

Chucho cleared his throat, you startled, breaking the kiss with a gasp, trying to get up quickly but your head hit against Javi's muscular chest, he wouldn't let you.

‘You guys should get ready too, if we don't go to this wedding, God forbid, your aunt won't shut up until doomsday.’

Without looking at you, he wore his hat, stepped out to go to the car. Your cheeks flushed, you bit your lip, Javi giggled and kissed you again.

‘I'm really scared of her more than the doomsday, lets get up baby,’ he grabbed your arm and helped you to stand.

‘Me too,’ you giggled.

He put his arm around your neck and kissing your cheek as you walking towards the room together to get ready.

----

The wedding was crowded, whole town must be here, you thought.

‘Oh no, everyone is staring at me,’ you whined.

‘It's because, you're the most beautiful woman here,' Javi whispered in your ear, kissing your cheek and grinning at the look on your face, made you flushed.

‘You're not helping,' pursing your lips, you could have sworn you were as red as a tomato.

‘Relax baby, breathe,’ he held your hand tightly.

People were drinking, having fun, laughing, talking and smoking. As soon as you walked through the door, they all looked at you and started talking again, this time with more enthusiasm.

Javi popped a nicotine gum into his mouth and started chewing, he has been having a hard time fighting the urge to smoke lately.

He pulled a chair from the table where Chucho was sitting and waiting for you to sit down, then sat down next to you.

People were coming to your table, shaking hands with Chucho and Javi and making small talk. Of course they were looking at you curiously, you were smiling at them in return. Javi's eyes never leaving you meanwhile, holding your hand, brings food and drink for you.

After a while a man was passing by with a boy of about 7 or 8 years old as Chucho stopped him, the boy had bruises on his face, you frowned.

“Andre, what happened to your face?”

“They fight all the time with other boys, he's very naughty, you know the kids,” he said laughing, but the boy bowed his head, for some reason you felt something strange about them.

Chuho laughed, patted his head and they headed further down the hall. You followed them out of the corner of your eye until they sat down at their table, something inside you kept telling you that something wasn't right about him.

“Are you okay?” Javi pushed your hair off your shoulder, gently brushes with his long fingers.

“Nothing, just the kid,” you mumbled.

“He's just a kid cariño, come, I should congratulate Enrique,” he said grabbing your hand, got up from the table, you followed him.

They announced the bride and groom for the dance a while ago but didn't even hear them because you were busy think about that kid, you decided to put your thoughts aside.

Javi hugged the groom and patted him on the shoulder.

“Congratulations, man.”

“Javi, thanks for coming,” he said smiling and then looked at you shaking your hand, you hugged him and the bride.

"So, are you two getting married soon too?"

You looked at Javi, he blinked at you then turned to him.

"Not yet, I guess," he said smiling, you were a little offended, but you kept your smile.

Not yet? Really?

"You found such a beautiful woman man, what do you waiting for, just marry her," he chuckled. "Right, love?" he wrapped his hands around his bride.

"Absolutely, you look so good together, just like us," bride giggled.

You looked at Javi with raised eyebrows as they kissing each other.

“They’re damn right.”

He just smiled at you, pulling you away from them.

"Come on, let's dance," he put a hand on your waist and lifted your arm with the other.

"So 'not yet', huh?"

Javi rolled his eyes, "What else could I say?"

"Maybe something better than that."

"Why are you so upset about this all of a sudden?" he frowned.

"Do you have a problem with getting married?"

"Of course not, I just..."

Just then, a few women approached the two of you, drinks in their hands, all eyes on you and him.

"Javi, can we borrow your girlfriend for a moment?" one of them asked, looking you up and down, you smiled shyly.

"For a girl to girl chat, we mean," said another.

Javi stopped dancing and looked at you, obviously he wasn't sure, but one of the women already pulled his hand away from yours and grabbed you by arm.

"Don't worry, we won't bite your girlfriend, come on honey, we just want to get to know you better."

“Sure,” Javi murmured.

They laughed as they pulled you away from him to another table.

When you turned your head back saw him putting his hands on his waist, watching you walking away, frowned.

Then he got a beer and sat down next to his father.

Javi's aunt came running as soon as she saw you with them.

“Oh honey, you're here,” she kissed you on the cheek.

You wondered if she liked kissing everyone like that.

“Sophia, you were right, she is really beautiful,” one of them said.

“Yes, she really is, she doesn't look like any girl I've ever seen,” someone stroked your chin.

“Are all Colombian girls this beautiful?” asked another woman, giggling.

You forced a smile, feeling shy gives its place to being uncomfortable.

“Let her breathe, ladies,” Sophia said as she sat down next to you on the couch and put her arm around you.

Look who's saying it.

“I think Javi really found the love of his life, this time,” elderly woman said.

“But she’s so young, how old are you?”

“How rude, Carol,” Sophia scolded her.

“I'll be 23 in two months,” you suddenly said.

The woman named Carol raised her eyebrows.

“How many years are there between you and him, 15?”

“My husband and I are ten years apart, so what?” Sophia scolded her again.

“Yes, but you're the older one,” someone said and they laughed loudly.

“Don't worry about them, honey, it's all about how you feel, love is love, and love is never wrong.” Sophia said, patting your shoulder.

You nodded, wondering when they would leave you alone, but unfortunately their endless questions continued.

‘How did you two meet?’

‘They met at the bar, fell in love instantly,’ Sophia answered before you and giggled at you.

Her behavior reminded you of your father, you smiled, you realised you missed him a lot, but now was not the time for that.

‘How long have you been together?’

‘Well almost a year,’ you even surprised yourself.

Has it really been that long?

‘Quite long, you should get married already,’ other woman snickered.

‘Javi better hurry up,’ the other one chuckled.

‘Hasn’t he proposed yet?’

They all fell silent and waited for your answer curiously.

Damn.

You swallowed. ‘Not yet, but I'm sure he's thinking about it, soon,’ you said, unfortunately your tone not as convincing as you wanted it to be.

They all looked at each other and mumbled something, which surprised you because you were expecting a laughter after that.

‘Of course he will, honey,’ Sophia patted your back like she was consoling you.

‘Marriage must be his weakness,’ Carol muttered.

‘It must be hard for him,” other women murmured.

You frowned.

What the hell was that mean?

‘I mean, yes, even after all this time,’ someone else said.

‘What do you mean?’ you suddenly asked got upset as hell.

‘I mean that he and Lorraine-’

‘Speaking of,’ someone pointed a blonde woman.

‘Lorraine, come here.’

A blonde blue-eyed woman – looks different from the other women here - came over.

‘Meet Javi's girlfriend,’ someone said, giggling strangely.

She looked at you with her blue eyes and smiled warmly.

‘So you are that beautiful girl the whole town has been talking about, welcome,’ she said, you shook hands. ‘They were right, you really are beautiful.’

‘Thank you, it's nice to meet you.’

Actually you weren't pleased, you were starting to feel sick, something had definitely happened between Javi and this beautiful woman. You had to ask.

‘I take it you know Javi?’

‘Yeah, well it was years ago-’

‘Mum, help me please,’ she apologized and left quickly when her son called out, but she was looking at you with concern as she getting away.

‘Didn't Javi tell you honey?’ Sophia asked.

‘Tell me what?’ your heart was starting to race.

‘Oh how stupid we are,’ the other woman said, ’Forgive us, sweetheart.’

‘We thought you knew.’

‘What? Please tell me,’ you insisted.

‘Javi and Lorraine, I mean it was years ago,’ Sophia said. ’They were going to get married but Javi... well he just disappeared on the day of the wedding.’

Suddenly you felt nauseous. Jealousy took over your whole body like a poison, blood rushing through your veins.

You stood up, couldn't hear a sound. The only words you heard were

Javi and Lorraine and the wedding

‘Excuse me,’ you said and walked away.

How could he not have told you something like that? Is that why he hasn't proposed yet? Could it be that he couldn't get over her?

After a long time you felt like crying again. You wanted to get out of here immediately, when you went to the door, you noticed a teenager serving drinks on a tray in his hand. You asked for permission and drank them all in one gulp, the teenager was surprised and blushed. But the drinks were only cocktails.

‘No hard liquor?’ you asked, hands were shaking.

‘Well, there are tequilas that we will serve tonight, but,’ he was ready to do anything to make you happy.

‘Please, I just want to drink some.’

‘Okay, come with me to the kitchen then señorita,’ he said happily, you nodded and followed him.

You were careful not to drink hard liquor since the last time, but that was all you wanted right now.

You didn't care about anything.

He took advantage of the bustle in the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of tequila and a glass, brought them to you, opened the door behind the stove and led you to the outside, the fire escape.

'You can drink in comfort here, señorita,' he was smiling.

‘Thank you, that's very kind of you,' you said, taking the bottle and glass from his hand. 'You go back to work.’

'No problem, I can keep you company...'

'Please, let me be alone for a while, will you?' you looked at him smiling and he nodded immediately.

'Of course, señorita, as you wish,' he said, closing the door and going inside.

-----

Chucho finished his beer and looked at Javi.

‘Son, poor girl must have a headache, go get her before she passes out,’ warned him.

Javi nodded, when he realised you were no longer with those women, he stood up, his eyes searching for you.

As he approached them, Lorraine came up to him.

‘Javi, you need to find your girlfriend, I guess you didn't tell her but she found out thanks to others, she seemed upset.’

“Fuck,” he got pissed, ‘Which way did she go?’

‘I, um, outside I think.’

Javi immediately ran in the direction she said to get out. But he couldn't see you there. Just people smoking cigarettes and service staff serving drinks.

He stopped one of them.

‘Have you seen the lady with me? The one in the red dress?’

Teenager boy smiled.

‘Oh, that beautiful lady? Long, chocolate hair, looking like a model,’ Javi frowned when he grinned sheepishly. ‘She was talking to Anton earlier,’ he swallowed, probably not liking the way Javi was looking at him.

‘Yeah that must be her, who the fuck is Anton?’

‘Look, there he is,’ he pointed to the teenager who has just helped you while ago.

Javi walked towards him.

‘Are you Anton?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Where's my girlfriend? You were just talking to her.’

He squinted at Javi.

‘So you're the reason she wanted to drink so badly?’

‘What? Look, why don't you just tell me where she is?’

‘She said she wanted to be alone,’ he said angrily.

Javi took a deep breath and grabbed his shoulders.

‘Look Anton, my patience is running out, how about you tell me where she is right now before I get real angry and kick your ass?’

He got nervous, ‘On the fire escape outside the kitchen.’

‘Good boy,’ he patted on his shoulders then let him go, hurrying into the kitchen.

By the time he opened the door to the fire escape, you'd drunk almost all the tequila bottle.

You were leaning your arms on knees, having massive headache.

Javi picked up the bottle, “Shit, did you drink all of this?”

When you couldn’t answer, he crouched down next to you, took your head in his hands to look at your face, but eyes were closed, you were already high.

“Baby? Cariño? are you okay?” he asked with concern.

You were just moaning, mumbling.

Sighing, he picked you up and carried you out. You were unconscious but you heard him saying “I'm sorry” over and over.

----

When you opened your eyes, you felt like your head was about to explode from the pain. So you closed your eyes again and waited for the pain to subside. You couldn't move your body for a while, you felt like trapped under rubble.

Soon you started to regain consciousness, the last thing you remembered was the tequila bottle, and then it started to come in pieces.

You remembered Javi, how he came to you worried and tried to revive you, and then he took you in his arms and sat you in the car.

Also remembered how you were running to the bathroom and throwing up over and over again.

You closed your eyes tightly, embarrassed.

He must be disgusted by me damn it, you thought.

You pulled the sheet over your face, you wanted to disappear.

“Are you awake?”

You were surprised to hear Javi's voice, oh right, after the vomiting session he has taken you to the shower, dried you off, helped you to get dressed and put you to bed.

You moaned in shame.

“Baby, are you okay?”

You clung to the sheet with all your strength when he tried to pull it off your face, but in the end he was stronger than you. When he pulled the sheet away, you immediately covered your eyes with your hands, feeling so ashamed.

Javi laughed, “So you remember last night?”

You shook your head slowly as yes.

“Everything?”

What did he mean?

You tried to remember quickly, has something else happened?

Then suddenly you remembered everything piece by piece.

Remembered everything you said to Javi when he put you in the bath tube.

“I hate you, why don't you want to marry me?”

“Because I don't have blond hair? Would you marry me if I dyed my hair?”

And the worst...

“Will you marry me if I propose you? Please don't leave me.”

Actually, the worst thing was that you kept punching his shoulders, crying and begging like a toddler.

Fuck me.

“You remember, don't you?” he was waiting for an answer, he took your hands off your face but you refused to look at his face.

“No, I just drank too much and then I passed out.”

As if it wasn't enough that he was leaning over you on the bed, he grabbed your chin with one hand and turned your face to his.

“You don't remember anything you said to me last night?”

You shook your head, looking away, knowing that if you looked into his brown eyes he would see through your lie.

“What about the hot rough angry sex we had last night?” he whispered into your mouth. His sweet breath made you dizzy.

You looked at him confused. Surely you would remember that if you had sex like that.

“What? But after the bath you put me to bed so then we did it?”

He snickered. “So apparently you remember everything.”

Oh, shit.

“Did you set me up?”

“Why are you lying?”

“Because I'm so ashamed, last night that, wasn’t me. Please forget it.”

“How can I forget that you asked me to marry you three times?” He was still laughing. “And you were so cute, I loved drunk you.”

You frowned. “So you liked it a lot huh, did you forget why I wanted to be drunk?”

You wanted to get up but he grabbed you by the arms, pressing them back down to the mattress.

“You're right, about that, forgive me for not telling you before, I was wrong.”

He kissed your forehead then let your arms go.

He sat up in bed and then lifted you to sit up too. He was looking into your eyes with his brown eyes.

‘I made a mistake years ago, I regretted it very much, I even wanted to turn back time and go back to her, but I loved my job more. I didn't care, I saw her last year, married you know, she has children and all, I let her slip away and she was belonged to someone else. At that moment I thought that it was impossible for me to find true love, I didn't deserve it anyway, so I didn't pursue love, I let it go. But then you came along and you became my everything all of sudden, you were born like the sun in my life,’ he caressed your cheek with the back of his hand.

You didn't even realise how tears were running down your cheeks.

‘Do you really think so?’ your voice trembled.

‘Yes baby, that's the real reason I couldn't think to prevent you from getting married earlier.’

‘You thought that you were being punished?’ you were surprised, how could he think that?

‘It was nonsense, never mind that, actually I feel I got rewarded, now,’ he said and kissed you on the lips.

‘Thank you for saying that,’ you felt so relieved, breaking the kiss. ‘I apologize for last night.’

‘No need to, cariño.’

‘But there's something else you didn't tell me, isn't there?’ you leaned your head on his shoulder.

‘Hm?’ he was playing with your hair.

‘You miss your job,’ you said, you’ve noticed that days ago.

‘No matter how happy we are here together, you miss your job, you want to be there.’

He looked at you with raised eyebrows. ‘You're right, I'm not going to lie to you, I want to go back to work, I've been meaning to tell you,’ he smiled. ‘you know me well now don't you?’

‘I guess I do,’ looking at him and grinning.

‘I’m gonna visit Steve tomorrow since he’s in headquarters. I don't know where they'll assign me though, but San Antonio most probably. So are you ready to come there with me? I thought you liked it here?’

‘Yeah, but Javi, I'm happy as long as I'm with you, no matter where we are.’

‘I love you so fucking much.’ he kissed you and wrapped his arms around your waist and slid you into his lap.

‘So hot rough angry sex, huh?'

He chuckled. ‘Since we're not angry, how about a hot rough morning sex?’ his lips running through your neck.

You giggled, ‘I thought you'd never ask-“

He interrupted you by kissing and pushed you backward onto bed.

So were too close to end guys :) hope you all enjoyed so far :)

for any requests hit the comments xoxo