#let andrew and neil be soft and healing and happy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

achilios · 3 years

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fic recs!

quick little aftg fic rec list post while i procrastinate studying

PLEASE BE MINDFUL OF THE TAGS! aftg is a fandom that deals with very heavy topics, so this is especially important for these fics!!

odd eye - @tdashshirt

[ info ]

published 2021

andrew/neil

rated T (archive warnings: Rape/Non-Con - implied/referenced)

1/1 chapters, 16K words

tags: hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, canon-divergence (no drake incident), secret relationship, neurodivergent characters (neil, andrew and kevin are all nd iirc)

Andrew spends most of his childhood thinking he is a psychopath. He is not. Andrew is, and always will be, just Andrew.

amazing amazing amazing — my bookmark notes were "cries cries cries this is what healing feels like lol" which is still exactly how i feel, to be honest. it was so well written and soft, and had such good neurodivergent rep, i absolutely adored it.

we used to be friends - @gluupor

[ info ]

published 2020

andrew/neil

rated M (No Archive Warnings Apply)

20/20 chapters, 100K words

tags: au: highschool, veronica mars fusion, detective!neil, adoption, canon-typical violence, involuntary outing, implied/referenced rape/non-con, implied/referenced murder

Neil’s life is thrown into disarray when his best friend is murdered. As he starts his senior year of high school, he finds himself on the outside looking in, a social pariah whose former friends are only too willing to bully and ostracize him. Working for his father, a private investigator, leads him to evidence that his friend’s murder may not be as straightforward as it seems. Neil throws himself into the investigation, hoping that solving the case might help him regain some of what he lost.

when my phone crashed about a month ago, this is one of the few tabs i didn’t lose, and i am SO glad i didn’t lose it. this fic was so well written, i loved that it incorporated elements from the original series without straying away from the highschool au/canon divergent plot.

learn to let go - skvaader

[ info ]

published 2021

minor andrew/neil/kevin

rated G (creator chose not to use archive warnings)

1/1 chapters, 9K words

tags: grief/mourning, jewish neil josten, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, implied/referenced child abuse, friendship, minor injuries

There’s a question on Kevin’s tongue, one he won’t let escape because it will lead to nothing and there’s no one to answer him. It weighs heavier each day. How do you grieve for someone who’s still alive, who might not be buried? Kevin doesn’t know how to tell Neil he’s already built him a funeral bouquet, that it’s heavy enough that the drawer won’t pry open as easily anymore. That it’s made from steel grey and rosy pink. Their days are running out and yet here Neil is, buying fruit because Kevin doesn’t dare to ask for a midnight snack.

um THIS was devastating. it has a happy ending but you can still feel the heavy grief and guilt Kevin is feeling throughout the entire fic, an it’s honestly heartwrenching.

the bachelor of baltimore - likearecord

[ info ]

published 2020

neil/andrew

rated M (no archive warnings apply)

5/5 chapters, 32K words

tags: neil josten as nathaniel wesninski, references to abuse, marriage of alliances, mild violence, au - no exy

Nathaniel Wesninski, the only son of the Butcher of Baltimore, has two options: choose a mob boss to marry for the benefit of the Moriyamas, or meet with an unfortunate accident. He thought he had it worked out. And then Andrew Minyard walked into his life.

this was genuinely a fun read, it was a bit angsty but it had a happy ending, and left me trying to find more fics with mob boss!andrew and neil.

a different matter - @djhedy and @annawrites

[ info ]

published 2020

neil/andrew

rated E (no archive warnings apply)

15/15 chapters, 59K words

tags: au - housemates, found family, pining, friends with benefits, friendship, explicit sexual content, non-sexual intimacy

After college, Neil is drifting and a bit lost. When Matt makes him move in with him and his housemates, Neil isn’t sure what to expect. Finding a family, having casual sex, and then promptly ruining that by falling not-so-casually in love is not on his agenda though.

this was sooo good that when i reached the end i literally went "nooooo" because i need more of this specific brand of andreil.

[podfic] right side of rock bottom - @frecklebombfic

[ info ]

podfic / original

published 2016, 2016

neil/andrew

rated M (no archive warnings apply)

1/1 chapter, 2-2.5 hours, 20K words

tags: emotional hurt/comfort, sharing a bed, post-canon, emotional healing, mentions of past abuse, pov alternating

Neil thinks it might be the first time he’s taken a breath in days. He hadn’t realised it because he’d been so caught up in packing and saying goodbye to everyone but now that it’s over he remembers his self-imposed countdown was meant to be up by now. It’s the end of the school year and five months ago, he thought he’d be dead by now. Instead he has a team and a future and a home and Andrew. (The last two might be interchangeable.)

this was the first ever podfic i’ve listened to, i was cleaning my room and decided to turn on something to listen to, and was immediately hooked. frecklebombfic is such a wonderful podficcer, and i’m so glad i got to listen to their podfic as my intro to podfics

that’s it for today! sorry for my prolonged absence, life has been hectic lately :) i know this isn't my usual content, but i've been reading lots of aftg fics lately, so i thought i'd share some of my recent favorits. i’ll hopefully be back to consistently posting sooner rather than later!

#my recs #my lists #aftg fic recs #all for the game #fic recs #all for the game fic recs #the foxhole court #andreil fanfic #andreil fic #kevandreil fic #podfic #aftg fic rec #aftg podfic #rec list #aftg rec list #andreil rec list #aftg recs #andrew minyard #neil josten

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abraxos-is-toothless · 4 years

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I love how you write Andrew getting to heal! If you take requests, could you please do something like post-canon where Neil makes Andrew smile or chuckle for the first time? No pressure though :) have a good day!

Andrew deserves to heal and I just love to write him happy with Neil. I really hope this lives up to what you asked for, I’m very emotional🥺

—————

Neil has made Andrew laugh many times. Not like anyone else would laugh, no, just huffs of air through his nose, eyes crinkling slightly in the corners. Sometimes even his lips quirked up a little. He doesn’t need to do anything else, doesn’t need to laugh ‘normally’, because all of those tiny little things let Neil know that his partner was happy. That he felt good enough to show it to Neil outwardly. Andrew was a man who liked to keep to himself, like to show things in his own secretive way because that’s how he knew to do it best.

So, the first time it happened, Neil thought his heart had stopped beating in his chest.

They were spending a lazy weekend in their apartment, just the two of them and Sir and King. King was lounging on the back of the sofa behind Andrew’s head, and Sir was curled up in Andrew’s lap. Neil thought it was unfair for the cats to love the blonde so much, since Neil was the one who had found them abandoned in an alley. Neil was the one who brought them home and persuaded Andrew into keeping them and giving them a home, yet the cute little bastards didn’t like him. He thinks it’s just because Andrew gives them extra treats.

Kevin had called Neil almost an hour ago to complain about anything he could think of. The season had just ended and the prick decided Neil was not allowed to slack off, not even for a day.

Are you sticking to your meal plan?

Have you practiced yet today? And if so how long for?

Don’t let Andrew buy too much ice cream, it’s not good for him.

Neil has been nodding and mumbling short answers for what has felt like years and quite frankly, he’d had enough. “Kevin, I’ve told you all of this three time this week. I’m hanging up now.”

“No Neil! We still have things to discuss, this is the pros, you can’t just act all breezy about it.”

Neil smirked, knowing how to get Kevin distracted enough to hang up without the fear of him calling back. “We have nothing to discuss, so unless you’d like to listen to Andrew blow me, I’m hanging up.” He presses and call just as the sputtering started on the other end of the phone. When he turned to Andrew again, the blonde had a single brow raised, hand stroking along Sir’s back as she purred. The sight was so adorable Neil thought he might melt into a puddle.

“Care to tell me what the Queen himself wanted this time? And no, I’m not blowing you, you haven’t earned it yet.”

Neil ignored the shivers down his spine and began to tell Andrew all of the stupid shit Kevin had decided to bring up today, but not as he normally would. On any other day he’d just drawl about the idiot in his usual voice, completely bored and annoyed by the Son of Exy. Andrew had made Neil watch all of the Harry Potter movies recently, and they were quite enjoyable. He liked the idea of there being a completely different and wonderful world hidden amongst your own.

From all of his years on the run, Neil had perfected the art of becoming someone else, changing names, languages and even accents. Because of this, Neil found it quite easy to mimick the voice of Snape from the movies. When he told Andrew what Kevin had shouted about the ice cream, he did so in that drawling voice. “Do not let Andrew buy too much ice cream, he needs to have a proper diet.”

He had not expected the laugh he received in return. Andrew let out a low deep chuckle, almost a full belly laugh as he tipped his head back, and Neil couldn’t help the way his eyes widened, jaw dropping just slightly. When Andrew looked back at him again, he stopped almost instantly at whatever emotion he saw in Neil’s eyes, beginning to push his walls back up. “What, Abram?”

“Do that again.” Neil breathed, almost a whisper in the peaceful air between them. The blonde’s brow crinkled, lips parted at the soft demand. Neil knee he was going to try and change the subject, shift the attention away from himself so, he didn’t give Andrew the chance. “You’re beautiful when you laugh Drew, so beautiful.” Andrew’s cheeks and ears started to go pink, making his freckles stand out more and Neil wanted to trace them with fingers and lips. The cats were shifted and moved from the couch, all grumpy disgruntled and then Andrew was crawling over to Neil and settling in his lap, knees on either side of his hips as he carefully settled himself on Neil’s thighs.

There were fingers in his hair, pushing a few curls back from his forehead before scratching at his scalp, making Neil hum in contentment. “You say such silly things, junkie.” Andrew spoke softly, leaning in to press a kiss behind Neil’s ear and dragging his lips down his neck. “Can you say more of those silly things?” Hands moved down his chest, under his shirt to trace and rub his scars. And so, with every little thing Andrew did to him with gentle hands, soft touches and kisses that left him breathless, he told Andrew how beautiful he was, how much Neil loved him. He was and always would be:

Amazing, amazing, amazing.

Neil would never have it any other way, would never want anything else. Because this, this was perfect just as it was.

He was safe, in a place with man he loved and two pesky little furballs. He’d survived, he’d lived and he’d be damned if he wasted any of it.

—————

Only a short little thing I know, but this is just how my brain wanted this to go:))

Tags: @incorrect-the-foxhole-court @junkiejosten10 @oreosndscones @koholania @skunked-up-kicks @shutuptheooo oo @hannahoftheinternet @palmettofoxesthings @jostenlovesminyard @fangirl0503 @stop-breathing-its-annoying @ah-jeez @intoomanyfandomsstuff @imstupidrememberr @lila-baard @heccccccccc @prettyboysareindemand @acetheticbitchass @meatiors @princeofexy @emilyfairchild @kmskms123kms @yourtypicalbookworn @sadboyayeron @b00kworm @bazsnow @aftghasruinedme @nightphans @of-stars-and-moon @thegreenerartist @notarealb0y

#aftg #aftg fanfic #all for the game #all for the gay #andrew minyard #neil josten #andrew minyard deserves to heal #andreil #they are soft #soft boys #i am in love #they say i love you in my world #sir and king #my writing #my fic #haz writes #prompts #andrew is baby

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ghost-in-the-stalls · 3 years

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Neil Josten's Playlist Part 1: Andrew

Masterpost and link to the playlist in its entirety

These songs are going to be the biggest chunk of the playlist. Are we surprised?

Okay here we go:

1. Take Me To Church - Hozier

I was not joking about Neil being a Hozier fan. You cannot tell me this boy doesn’t hear this song on the radio and immediately think of Andrew. Every time it came on he’d make sure the radio stayed on the station so he could listen all the way through. It got overplayed but he’s probably the only person in the world who never got sick of it at the time. He got used to listening to the same songs over and over again with his mom, so he's even comforted by repeating songs now.

5. Stay - Rihanna & Mikky Ekko

So one night, after several nightmares within the span of a few hours, Neil wasn’t too proud to admit that he absolutely wasn’t going to get any decent sleep that night. Andrew took him on a long drive without even having to be asked. The silence was shoving Neil even further into his thoughts, so Andrew turned on the radio. He settled on a station that was playing softer music that Neil probably wouldn’t hate, and he just kept driving. Once this song came on, Neil became enamored with it. It’s another one of those songs that makes him think of Andrew, but it’s more because he listens to the lyrics and realizes Andrew has said half of these things to him. It’s now a song that, even years later when he and Andrew are living in separate states and desperately trying to land contracts with the same team, Neil listens to on bad nights.

6. River - Bishop Briggs

Listen... this is just another really solid Andreil song.......... and I’m absolutely positive this is a song that Neil would like. Let me have this.

For Neil everything with Andrew is simultaneously loud and quiet and intense and gentle and hard and soft. He’s never known someone to make him feel so much yet calm him down from panic to nothing so smoothly. Even their intimacy holds so much complexity and weight to it. This is a song I feel like Andrew introduced him to, because it absolutely makes him think of Neil too (not that he'd say that out loud).

8. Dreams - The Cranberries

Renee likes the Cranberries and she got Andrew into them too. Andrew pretends this song doesn’t make him think about Neil but no one is actually fooled by that when they catch him listening to it. Least of all Neil because he feels the same thing listening to the lyrics. Not much explanation past that. Neil vibes with this song right from the opening lyrics (”Oh, my life is changing every day in every possible way”), to the comparison of a lover to a dream (he still remembers when Andrew called him a pipedream, even if he didn’t understand at the time), to the vocal breaks in the middle and at the end where it just sounds like someone singing their soul right out of their body.

Neil is a private person and not someone to ever scream his love from rooftops. But that doesn’t mean the concept doesn’t hit him deep. He’s been through a lot and he’s come out the other end with a love of his own that’s deeper and more than anything he ever imagined. His lack of expressing passion about most things (Andrew) doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel incredibly passionate about certain things in a way that cuts deep. He found love and it’s incredible

12. Easily - Bruno Major

I've mentioned this previously, but I hc that Andrew and Neil almost broke up in Neil’s last year at Palmetto. Not going to get into it, but this song had a big part in pulling Neil through that whole year, ESPECIALLY the situation with Andrew. Maybe I’ll make a separate, more detailed post about that sometime. But basically I hc that neither of them were in good spots emotionally. And Andrew was very close to giving up on everything - including Neil.

They managed to pull through and stop one another from giving up on it all, even when things got really hard.

15. Sunlight - Hozier

No I’m not done with the Hozier songs. Did I say I was done with the Hozier songs? Not gonna happen.

Anyway so the story of this song is he was talking with Allison and Nicky once about music and their SOs (well he was listening more than talking but he wasn’t ignoring them), and Nicky outright asked him if there was a song that made him think of Andrew. He’d heard this one for the first time recently and it was just the most recent of many songs that make him think of Andrew, so he threw it out there to humor them. They hadn’t heard it but were very doubtful that any song titled “Sunlight” could have anything to do with Andrew at all, so he showed it to them. They didn’t really change their minds and instead Allison went on another tirade about how Neil is gone for Andrew in a way that Andrew couldn’t possibly be for him and how she was worried for him. Nicky stood up for his cousin a bit, but ultimately was still agreeing with Allison to a degree that Neil may be expecting more than what Andrew could give him blah, blah, blah.

Neil wasn’t happy. Instead he found himself latching onto this song even further and becoming even more assured that it was a song for Andrew. Just because the others refused to understand who Andrew really is and the ways he’s learning to grow and heal and the fact that he’s someone worth loving god dammit, doesn’t mean Andrew is the monster they make him out to be.

For a while afterwards, he’ll put this song on if he’s ever given the aux cord. Because he’s petty. If Andrew catches on to what he’s trying to do, he never says anything.

19. Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men

This is definitely a song that makes Neil think of Andrew, though he'd never tell him that. They have both played both parts in this song, and it makes Neil's heart ache to think of all the bad nights that they weren't there for one another - whether it was distance or stubbornness or just general shitty circumstance. They both can get so trapped in their own heads in different (and sometimes similar) ways, and they're relationship has really been built in a lot of ways on the depth of emotional support they've learned to give one another in rough times. That steadiness, that presence that stays by you and keeps you grounded even when you want to crawl out of your own skin and hide somewhere far away. That is what they give one another.

24. Day After Day - Badfinger

This is another one he used to listen to with his mother, but he didn't really latch onto it until his final year at Palmetto when he and Andrew were doing long-distance. He learned in that year just how sentimental he had become in some ways. He finds it in the bone-deep longing he gets on late nights when he just wishes he could lie in bed next to Andrew - because he knew that's when he sleeps best. He'd listen to this song and let himself wallow for a little while, and then eventually put it away and carry on because he didn't have the time to slow down and feel things too hard.

Things are much better now and he doesn't feel as bad when he listens to the song. It's just a pleasant sound he leans into sometimes.

26. Don't Dream It's Over - Crowded House

This is another one that he first heard from his mother, but kept for himself without allowing it to be stained with her memory. It is one of those ones he listened to a great deal during his last year when things with Andrew got hard. He committed himself to not letting him go or breaking off what they had unless Andrew ever directly asked him to. He couldn't find it in himself to ever do that.

This song reminds him of that commitment and helps him stay strong with it, for better or worse. Everyone was convinced from the beginning that either Neil was bad for Andrew (Aaron) or Andrew was bad for Neil (everyone else except Renee and Nicky basically). This reminds him that he knows Andrew better. He knows HIMSELF better. He knows they aren't perfect, but he refuses to let himself fall into their blocked mentality where they choose to be blind to the reality of Andrew's character (or his own for that matter). He knows they are good together. He knows they help one another, they don't hold each other back. And he refuses to give up on them unless Andrew asks him to.

28. How Deep Is Your Love - The Bird and The Bee

This is another final-year-at-Palmetto one. He stumbles across this song while listening to one of Robin's playlists while he was driving her to practice. Listen to the lyrics and hear just how Andreil this song is. It fits so well, and Neil has to pull over and collect himself for a moment when he first hears it. It had been an especially rough week and he'd been struggling trying to balance giving Andrew space and support with communicating his own needs. This gives him the push he needs. He calls him later that night to talk and their time apart starts getting a bit more bearable for it.

29. TALK ME DOWN - Troye Sivan

This was Andrew's song that made him think of Neil. In every way. He found it while they were doing long distance. Neil first heard it on a midnight drive they took while he was visiting Andrew. They didn't say anything, but they didn't need to. Neil eventually asked him why he listens to this one when his taste is usually much louder stuff. He was expecting a stoically-delivered joke denying any potential relation to Neil or a comment about how Nicky got it stuck in his head or something while they were video chatting one weekend. Instead, Andrew just responded "You know why."

Neil stored the song away to listen to later on when they were once again sleeping in separate beds in separate states, knowing Andrew was probably listening to it as well.

38. Talking Bird - Death Cab for Cutie

Neil doesn't know why this song makes him emotional (yes he does). He doesn't know what it is about it that feels like it cuts so deep (it's because Andrew sent it to him). He doesn't get why Andrew showed it to him (it's because Andrew asked him to stay, but would never force him to if he ever did decide to run). He just listens and feels comforted.

44. I'm so Tired - Lauv & Troye Sivan

This is another one Neil found when he and Andrew were doing long distance. It was a bit of a rocky time for them and there were several of those make-or-break moments. You know, the kind any relationship has where you either pull through it together and are stronger for it, or end things where they are and go your separate ways. I imagine - during a particularly rough patch - Neil heard this song from one of his underclassmen roommates. He was thinking about Andrew (when is he not) and part of him wondered if Andrew was better off finding guys in bars to take home and have no connection to. It was a spiteful moment of self-pity that he let himself indulge in before coming to his senses and giving Andrew a call to smooth things over a bit.

He still listens back to the song sometimes. It has a nice, soft, smooth feeling to it. Now when he listens to it, he finds himself focusing more on the singer asking their lover to take them home so they can move forward because they're too tired to fight. He remembers how, when he and Andrew have reached that point, they've continuously chosen to fall back to one another instead of pulling away. It's a very comforting thought for him.

45. NFWMB - Hozier

I don't even know if I have to explain this one.

There are a lot of things that Andrew and Neil see in one another, but I think one major thing is how strong they both are in their own ways. Neither of them are someone you want to fuck with. This song is perfect for that.

And, once again I will say, Neil is a Hozier fan and I'll die on this hill.

50. It Will Come Back - Hozier

Another Hozier song look at that

Anyway this is song encapsulates exactly how Andrew feels about Neil repeatedly choosing Andrew (at least, how he feels about it in the beginning of their relationship). And Neil isn't blind to this at all. What he also isn't blind to (but that he knows Andrew forgets sometimes) is how Neil is also the stray Andrew showed too much kindness. Andrew is as stuck with Neil as Neil is making himself stuck with Andrew.

51. Love Lies - Khalid & Normani

If asked why he likes this song, he'd say it's because Matt showed it to him and it reminds him of Matt and Dan's inspiring relationship. There are very few people he'd admit the truth to.

Something about the song feels too typical and approachable to admit applying to him and Andrew. They don't have a "normal" relationship and there are a lot of norms they don't stick to. Neither of them are ashamed of that in any capacity (as they absolutely shouldn't be), and ultimately it just feels very strange to them both to consider what's between them as being on the same level of what other's have. Not necessarily in a better-worse context, more just an acknowledgment of stark differences.

But I think Neil also experiences a certain level of comfort when he catches himself relating to other "normal" people. So when he finds himself thinking of Andrew when he hears this song, he's not going to ignore that or let it go. He may, however, keep it to himself for a while. It just feels nice to do that.

72. 99 Luftballons - Nena

As a general rule, Neil doesn't like loud music. This one is an exception (though "loud" may be a bit of a stretch here) because he once got to hear Andrew singing along to it in the car late at night.

Andrew does that sometimes, sings along to songs when it's just him and Neil. It's never with a great deal of gusto or volume, more so just a soft mumble on a late night drive to ground them both. This song came on on a particularly rough night, but by the end of it Andrew was singing along louder than he ever did. Still not saying much, but it was a noticeable change to Neil.

Neil knows he was allowed to see something special that night - Andrew allowing himself to let out something he was feeling. Neil got to see Andrew in what amounts to a moment of vulnerability for him. It means the world to him.

74. Gooey - Glass Animals

This song makes Neil feel the way Andrew makes him feel. There's no other way to describe it. When it's just the two of them and they have moments of quiet intimacy, there's a specific feeling Neil starts getting - float-y but secure. Like he'd drift away if it weren't for an invisible string Andrew was holding.

If Andrew caught Neil humming this song one night as he fell asleep, unaware, he kept quiet about it.

75. Turn - The Wombats

This song Neil keeps because it's one Andrew specifically sent him. He didn't give an explanation, just "for your playlist, rabbit".

#aftg #my writing #neil josten #andrew minyard #andreil

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lizandreil · 2 years

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with all due respect but fuck nora’s extra content. let my boys heal and become happy. let andrew smile and laugh even if it’s just for neil. let andrew comfort neil because oh man does he need to be comforted. let them be soft with each other because all they knew growing up was violence and pain so they are learning that touch can be gentle and pleasant together. let them say “i love you”. let them be happy even tho trauma never actually leaves you but it doesn’t mean it can’t hurt less. let andrew sleep with his back to the room while neil is hugging him from behind, let neil stop counting every exit in the building or come to the beach and instead of grieving be content and proud of how far he’s gone and what a good life he has with andrew, the foxes, playing exy.

they are my precious boys and they deserve to be happy

#all for the game #aftg series #andreil #andrew minyard #neil josten

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kanekicure · 4 years

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alright I’m going to get personal.

I hate the fact Nora wrote in her extra content for tons of other to see, that Andrew never heals and is never happy, never heals, never comforts Neil when he’s struggling, never smiles and he can never say I love you.

Because it’s a really fucking damaging and ignorant thing to say.

I’ve grown up in a fairly traumatic life, and situations. (I’m saying this as lightly as I can lol) that’s caused me to be... kind of off? I guess? That’s why when I read the foxhole court and finished the entire series Andrew was a character I could cling too. His own internal struggles I found mirrored in my own, as well as his relationship with Neil.

I fell in love with a girl, and by some miracle she loved me back. We got together and she worked around my quirks from my past that sometimes showed up and it was fine. Until something happened recently in my life that shattered everything I knew, I’ve developed serious PTSD and my ability to ‘love’ shattered, my emotions are still fucked beyond belief and it can take me hours to figure out how I’m really feeling instead of just shutting down or lashing out. Obviously Andrews character is really similar to that. So when I read the books, and saw his relationship with Neil and how he grew. It made me feel okay, like I wasn’t alone and it helped conquer my fears of never being able to love my girlfriend like I did before. Sure it might sound stupid to rely on ‘fictional characters’ but fuck, those things saved my life.

And then I read the extra content and I see that shit. And it fucking hurts to have something like that ripped away when it’s like the only thing you cling too. All my fears of what I might be, that Ill never heal after everything and I won’t feel happiness, I won’t be able to love. Like no, fuck that. Fuck being ‘edgy’ or whatever the fuck it is. Let people heal, let them grow. Let people become soft. Because sometimes you need to be reminded that things can change, that you can get better no matter how scarring the things of your past were.

#as a creator you should be aware of your audience #things can be damaging #personal #not sure about posting this was just ranting #andreil #aftg #andrew minyard #neil josten

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100storiesin2020 · 5 years

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Most of us learn how to love early in our lives. We learn from those around us, family and friends. We learn through kind words, gentle hands, thoughtful actions.

Dan learned love from her stage sisters. They faced the world and all the shit it threw at them, and they stood together. They leaned on each other, laughed at each other, comforted each other when it was all too much. They didn’t have much, and life was often difficult, but their friendship was enough for them. They stood together against the world. This was love.

Kevin learned love from Kayleigh. She gave him laughter and smiles and safety in her arms. She sang him Irish lullabies and danced with him in the living room. She cheered him on in little league and told him to always follow his heart. She was his rock and his sunshine and a warm fire on a cold night. This was love.

Andrew did not learn love.

Matt learned love from Randy. He learned from her fierce protectiveness. He learned through the way that she stood strong by him, no matter what he did. He watched her fight for him, for his health, for his safety, for his happiness. He felt her strong arms around him, holding him together. This was love.

Aaron learned love from Tilda. She took him to the beach when he was very small. They played in the waves and built sand castles together. They went to baseball games and ate cheesy nachos. She taught him to ride a bike and kissed his knees when he fell and scraped them. She was his protector in those early days. This was love.

Seth learned love from his mother. She baked cookies after school and hugged him when he cried. When he felt ignored as the middle child of seven, she let him stay up a little past bedtime and watch movies with her. She gave him devotion and gentle words. This was love.

Allison learned love from her nanny. It was a gentle hand when roughness would have sufficed. It was going above and beyond the call of duty. It was secret adventures and special treats and a warm hug. It was doing what was right for the one you loved, and damn the consequences. Looking back, Allison knew that a caretaker was paid for, but this could not have been bought. This was love.

Nicky learned love at home. It was in Maria's pies and soft Spanish. It was in Luther's silent strength and devotion to his family. It was singing on Sunday and quiet evenings reading together. It was soft and enveloping. This was love.

Renee learned love from Stephanie. It was an alien thing to her, this acceptance and gentleness. She tested its boundaries. She attacked it. She tried to destroy it. Every time, she failed. And when she realized that, she put down her knives and picked up kindness instead. It was strong. It was unshakeable. This was love.

Neil did not learn love.

The love that they learned made its way back into their lives. For Matt and Dan, it was in the way they stood together. It was their determination to be strong, to let each other fight their own battles while standing at the ready to help if needed. For Allison and Seth, it was in their passion and devotion. Seth's fear made it hard to hold onto, but they had each other because it was right for them and fuck what the world said it should be. For Nicky and Erik, it was in the way that they could drop their masks. It was in the happy silences and enveloping hugs. For Aaron and Katelyn, it was in the way they fought to have each other. It was in the way he protected her as best as he could, and how she tended his healing heart. For Renee, it was in the way she gave herself to her friends. It was in her thoughtfulness and quiet words and in her determination to save the world.

Andrew and Neil did not have that. They had been raised in the harshest of worlds, and the softness of their friends' love was not something that could fit them. But they had each other. They had a quiet respect, a determination to keep each other safe, and an absolute dedication to what they wanted. They exchanged truths. They built trust. They were each filled with a fire and a darkness that were sometimes the same thing. They never learned conventional love, but they learned this. Perhaps it was nothing. Perhaps it was something. It was theirs, and they invented it together.

Perhaps it was love.

#all for the game #dan wilds #kevin day #andrew minyard #matt boyd #aaron minyard #seth gordon #allison reynolds #nicky hemmick #renee walker #neil josten

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doodlingstuff · 4 years

Text

Heaven Doesn’t Want Me

What if Mary had escaped alone? What if Nathaniel had grown up in Baltimore but not to become Raven!Neil nor Butcher!Neil?

What if Neil Alex Stephan Chris had met Erik during his time on Germany?

What if there was no "this" between Andrew and Neil until Baltimore?

A slight bamf!Neil, sort of soft Andrew, Renee's POV, lots of angst, hurt, blood, pain, and feelings brought to life after diving into the unsolved asks from @aftgficrec.

Read the whole thing in AO3 or stay here for the first part of the series.

Hope you like it :)

Chapter 1: Year Zero

How can your absence leave no trace? As I let you sink in Baltimore bay.

“Move” The savage pull at his hair jolted Nathaniel awake.

Mary shoved him out of bed and hurried him to put his shoes on. Since Nathaniel could remember, they slept on their clothes, ready to race out from the house of Baltimore any moment, as it seemed they were doing then.

Every single muscle in Nathaniel’s body screamed in pain. He had spent the whole day traveling to the biggest and darkest Exy court he had ever seen. He had played a brutal never-ending match against two older kids –Kevin and Riko- and after a violent scolding from his father, they had come back to the house.

Nathaniel was definitely against waking up in the middle of the night to follow his mother. But he knew better than to protest, so he made his best to keep the fast pace Mary had while tiptoeing through the house.

At some point, Mary put Nathaniel before her and kept scurrying through dark aisles until they reached the door leading to the Butcher's torture room. Nathaniel flinched away and crashed with his mother’s body. There must be a mistake. Except Mary was turning the knob to open the door.

“Whatever happens. You never stop running and you never play Exy again. Do you understand?”

Of course, Nathaniel didn’t understand. He nodded anyway. Mary approved the nod and pushed Nathaniel into the room.

Fear crept from the tips of Nathaniel’s toes to the base of his neck like tiny spiders covering him completely. Of all the rooms in the house, that was the one he hated the most. Why would his mother take him there? Not even Mary punished him in that place. What has he done?

“Hurry.”

The windowless room was pitch dark. Nathaniel couldn’t even see the silver reflection from his father’s knives. The goosebumps along his arms only grew more. Nathaniel was afraid of tripping over, but at ten years old, he already knew that room like the back of his hand, just as Mary did. They advanced in total darkness.

Mother and son were only a few feet away from the exit.

Nathaniel felt the heat of a body even before he heard the voice.

“The kid stays.”

A single light was turned on from the back to let Nathaniel and Mary see the gleam of Patrick DiMaccio’s smile while he played casually with a big chef knife.

In a second, Nathaniel was behind Mary. That wasn’t any better though. Lola and Romero Malcolm were at the entrance he had crossed with his mother moments ago. Too many knives. Nathaniel felt her mother shiver beside him as she passed an arm around his tiny body and pointed with a gun at the guys surrounding them.

“You don’t want to shoot that, Mary. What will the neighbors say?”

At the sight of his father, Nathaniel was trembling too. Why were all of them there? Why his mother was running now that he was finally allowed by his father to play Exy?

He didn’t know what was his mistake now. He had played as best as he could against the other kids. He had stayed quiet during the trip. He had obeyed. He hadn’t done anything his father hadn’t allowed or ordered first. The memory of a hot iron on his arm was still too fresh to attempt any defiance against Nathan.

His arm started prickling for no reason. The burn had healed long ago.

But fear.

Fear was spreading desperately through his whole body like a fatal decease while Mary’s grip on the gun was starting to fail. Nathaniel was going to be sick soon. He knew what would happen if his stomach rebelled now, so he tried to breathe deeply enough to make the taste of bile go back down.

It was useless as Nathan approached them.

“I’m taking him away. You have no right to-” A fierce slap shut up Mary’s complaints.

“He is my son too, and I will do as I please.”

Mary spat blood directly to the Butcher’s shirt. “ You won’t.”

The next moments were a blur of movement, noise, and terror.

Gunshots resonated in the small room like cannonballs shot on the open sea. All of the Butcher’s men launched towards them. In a split second, Nathaniel ducked and ran in search of a hiding spot among Nathan’s multiple torture instruments. There wasn’t much place to hide. There was no way to become invisible.

“Nathaniel, RUN!” His mother’s voice commanded from somewhere inside the tangle of limbs and knives.

So, they were running away.

It was easy for Nathaniel to know inside a court which way the players and the ball were going, and beat them all to deflect the shoot before it reached the goal. Making the same in a small room full of grownups fighting with weapons that Nathaniel knew firsthand what could cause him, was an entirely different mission.

There was no time to think further about it. One of the Malcolm siblings had spotted Nathaniel and was going directly for him. The boy used his small size to his advantage and scurried away, attempting to reach the trap door leading outside. His mother was making her best to keep the way free for him.

With trembling hands, Nathaniel was picking the lock of the door. Romero was closer. Something hit the man in the head and made him lunge at Mary. The short breathing room was enough to allow Nathaniel to open the door.

In a blink, Mary was by his side, grabbed his hand, and got out.

Nathaniel fell on his face as his hand slipped from his mother’s. There was something hot hot hot burning his legs, his back. Someone was pinning his ankles against the floor, and the door to freedom was shut.

“ABRAM! ABRAM!”

There was only a door breaking Nathaniel apart from his mother, but he couldn’t reach it.

Chapter 2: Year One

What are the words that I'm supposed to say? [...] Through the silence of fireflies

A year had passed since Mary escaped from Baltimore.

A year full of pain, and blood, and screams for Nathaniel.

He was only eleven, but his voice was nearly gone and his eyes carried the infinite hollowness of twelve months being punished endlessly for his mother’s rebellion.

Now, Nathaniel was having the most wicked kind of déjà vu, traveling along with his father to the same dark stadium he had played last time he saw his mother.

A sudden sliver of something resembling joy attempted to surge inside of Nathaniel. Then, he remembered what Mary had told him before everything went sideways.

Never stop running, never play Exy again.

The second order had been easy to fulfill; Nathaniel had spent most of his time crying in the torture room he seemed to never get out from. It wasn’t like playing Exy at all. Perhaps for his father and Lola, it brought the same happiness Nathaniel had once felt while holding a racquet in his hands, but there had been definitely not Exy at all.

As for the first order, it had been impossible to deliver. With two bullets in each leg and another couple on his back, Nathaniel couldn’t have run, even if he tried. Also, he had always one of the Butcher’s men on his heels, whereas it was at the house, or following him at school, making sure he stayed put. As if Nathaniel could run with infected wounds piercing his body. It was hard enough to assure the teachers he was fine.

Today, Nathaniel was expected to play a rematch with Kevin and Riko. He still didn’t understand how. He had a full collection of fresh and old wounds covering him from head to toe. The Butcher’s rage hadn’t had a limit in that year, and their men’s savagery made sure nothing healed properly. But Nathan had been clear: play well or die.

Die would’ve been Nathaniel’s first option if he only didn’t know how slow and painful it would be. It was that or disobeying his mother’s last command. The last thing she told him before leaving .

Nathaniel had never felt so alone.

***

The match against Riko and Kevin was even harder than the last. They were bigger, stronger, faster, and they didn’t seem to have been used as punching bags and knife testers for the past months. It was awful.

The old man’s-they called him Master-cane on Nathaniel’s ribs wasn’t of any help either. Each and every time that Nathaniel fell, unable to keep going with his legs burning after so much time without exercise, the so-called Master would smash Nathaniel to the floor only to force him up and repeat the play again.

Kevin’s face was shadowed by something like understanding, or petty. Riko was delighted with the show. Nathaniel was only begging for it to end. Go back to Baltimore’s torture. Be finished right there. Whatever. He just wanted it to be over.

He only kept moving by the wonder of what his mother would be doing at that moment. If she was still alive. If she thought of him. If she would ever come back...

“Are you having fun making me look like a fool, Junior?”

Nathan’s venomous hiss brought Nathaniel back from his mind. They weren’t on the court anymore, but everything was still painted raven black. Nathaniel was pinned against a wall. Air escaping his lungs. He wanted so desperately to hung onto his father’s hands to release the pressure on his throat. He knew what would happen. Last time he almost lost a hand. He held on as best as he could.

“Look at me you useless scumbag. Are you having fun with it?”

“No.” The answer was more like the shape of his lips rather than a sound. He was choking. The little voice left was leaving him for good. Nathaniel already felt the blessing of passing out around the corner. However, he needed to stay awake. Losing consciousness only made it worse in the end. Instead, he focused on the exits around. A habit picked after twelve months wishing so hard he was somewhere else.

“I have failed them twice because of you. Tomorrow will be your last chance. Do you remember that man we taught a lesson to the last time we were here?” Nathaniel nodded as best as he could with the strong hand strangling him. “That will be you tomorrow if you don’t play like you mean it, hear me, Junior?”

Nathan didn’t wait for an answer. He only dropped Nathaniel to the floor and left after kicking him hard in the belly.

Nathaniel had run out of tears a long ago. He let darkness swallow him in that same spot.

***

Maybe it was late at night. Maybe it was dawn. No one had come to fetch Nathaniel for the next scrimmage on the court.

He had been thinking about his mother.

She never wanted him there. He still couldn’t understand why. No one spoke to him. But he was certain that his mother would have her reasons to be so afraid that an escape and a battle against the Butcher’s men had been worth it. Nathaniel was certain they had haunted and ended her that same night. Regardless, there was some stubborn hope that she would come back. But she wouldn’t find him while he was in that black palace.

Nathaniel had thought he couldn’t run anymore. Today had been proof he was only out of practice. He was tired of being afraid. He didn’t want to feel the old man’s cane on his ribs for the rest of his life, or the Burcher’s knives on his skin anymore for that matter.

He was leaving.

The Butcher had taken the few belongings they brought with him. Nathaniel only had what he was wearing, his bruises, and his willingness to be free. Almost like his mother had.

Despite the agony bolting through his battered body, Nathaniel managed to stand up from the corner where Nathan had threatened him and reached for the exit. Of course, the door was locked. He hoped the pieces of hard string he picked from his lent racquet would be as effective as the hairpins his mother taught him to use.

After minutes of struggle, they were.

The red lights of the hallway were disconcerting. Nathaniel was dizzy within only a few steps. The promise of a slow death made him advance. The fury of another hit from a cane fueled his steps. The fear of being used as an object when he could’ve been free beside his mother made his tired feet found the ground beneath to make him run until the exit.

The building was a complicated maze Nathaniel hadn’t understood, but he remembered the way he had come with his father. He retraced the path backward until he could reach the final door.

The door to freedom.

This time, no DiMaccio was covering it. There was no Lola or Romero on his heels.

He pushed the door open and ran for his life.

Chapter 3: Year Two

For all the things I try to hide? What is my fate, am I supposed to pray?

As if the handcuffs securing Nathaniel’s hands on the back of the seat and his ankles to the front weren’t enough, Nathan had taken along the Malcolm siblings to watch from behind.

The Butcher was not repeating last year’s mistakes.

Six months had passed since the last time they went to Evermore and the memory was burning fresh for both Wesninskis. Especially for Nathaniel.

It was either a miracle or a tragic disgrace that the boy was still alive and kicking. But there he was.

Never stop running, never play Exy again.

Although the pain had only increased as months went by, Nathaniel had tried his very best to outrun the Butcher and his men over and over. Consequences were always fatal, yet never mortal. Nathaniel discovered there was some kind of business going on between his father and the people behind the Exy team he wanted Nathaniel to get in.

That business going on was Nathan’s only reason for keeping Nathaniel alive, and denying his father the pleasure of an easy undertaking was the only reason keeping Nathaniel sane. Or as sane as anyone could be living under the conditions he had endured the past years. His body had become a patchwork of scars, but he was more convinced than ever that he wasn’t going to turn into his father. Not even with that terrible smirk mocking Lola through the rear-view mirror as she entertained herself making tiny cuts in Nathaniel’s hands.

By the time they arrived at the stadium, Nathaniel had already memorized the way in and was paying close attention to every single door in and out despite the stung in his arms and hands. He had gotten used to living with pain, so this wasn’t any harder than a normal day in Baltimore.

The court was exactly as Nathaniel remembered. There was only a new addition. A boy around Riko’s age with a 3 marked on the cheek, matching the numbers on the other kids’ faces. Nathaniel didn’t bother learning his name but was sure Riko and his uncle would be dying to put a number on him too.

That wasn’t going to happen.

Without any ceremonies, the match started. It was three against one. It was unfair.

It wasn’t going to happen either.

As much as Nathaniel's hands still itched for having a racquet and slam a ball across a court, he had more than enough time to know that his mother had some reason behind her words. And he intended to honor them today. The match started and he didn’t move.

The old man’s cane hit hard over and over his ribs, his legs, his arms, his face. Nothing he hadn’t endured before. He received hit after hit after hit without moving, without reaching for his racquet. Without a scream.

He felt every single attack while holding Kevin’s astonished gaze, Riko’s mocking laughter, and the other kid’s pure fear. Nathaniel didn’t move until his body went limp on the floor and everything turned black.

***

The year before, Nathaniel’s mistake had been running without a plan.

He had a purpose, he had a goal, but he had no way to accomplish it with only a few scraps of strings to open doors.

Nathaniel had been able to escape out of pure luck, but once outside, he didn’t know the surroundings. He didn’t know where to go. It had been only a matter of time for Nathan to find him and drag him back in the car, and then back to Baltimore in between cursings and hits that made Nathaniel think it was a good idea to jump out of the moving car in the middle of the highway. It was painful .

This time, Nathaniel had found enough time in between punishments and the butchering lessons he despised, to research the place.

He knew the campus of Edgar Allan University like he knew the feel of knives on his skin. So, when he woke up from the beating, he was ready for everything.

Nathaniel had been tucked in the same rooms as the boys. They seemed asleep. It was harder than he thought to get on his feet in silence. He crept to the door and took out a couple hairpins from his mother that he had found casually around the house months ago. He wasn’t using racquet strings unless it was necessary.

“Where do you think you are going?” Riko was standing behind Nathaniel. Hands clenched in fists ready for a fight.

“Far from your ugly face.” Kevin and the other boy flinched at Nathaniel’s bravado.

“You mustn't talk like that to your king.”

“Didn’t know shit was royalty now. I’ll bow next time I go to the loo.”

The knock against the wall was harder than Nathaniel expected. It still wasn’t enough to erase his father’s deathly smile from his face. Riko was boiling in anger. Nathaniel waited until the last second to avoid the fist coming his way and pushed Riko against the railing of a bed.

The other boys were frozen at Nathaniel’s display of disrespect.

He wasn’t a good fighter. He was used to be the victim among adults, but he had a rage building from the years since his mother left him and he was convinced of running away this time. Even so that he had a knife hidden on the back of his pants despite how much he hated them.

Riko recovered quickly from the impact, but Nathaniel didn’t hesitate to slash whatever he could reach of the older boy, and a breath after he heard a heavy string of cursing directed to him, Nathaniel sped through the hallway on his way out. He dodged people attempting to grab him. He had become fast during his last six months trying to escape. He used the stolen knife more than he would’ve wanted, but it was that or being back to Baltimore in pieces.

Once outside the Nest, Nathaniel didn’t reach for the highway. Instead, he kept racing through the Edgar Allan campus. It was gigantic. Filled with students coming and going from classes. They glanced strangely at him as he made his way through hallways and buildings he had only half-memorized through battered maps found at school and his father’s study.

It could’ve been a good fifteen minutes of running without a stop when Nathaniel finally found a public phone hidden enough from the stream of people. He took the few pennies he could get in those months and dialed the only phone number he knew by heart.

“Uncle Stuart? I need help.”

All comments, thoughts, hearts and shares are very much appreciated :D

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wulfrann · 4 years

Text

As you watch the snow fall, ch 3 (Andreil Jack Frost AU part 3)

All for the game

Rating: General Audiences

Relationship: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Andrew Minyard & Nicky Hemmick

Additional Tags: Jack Frost!Neil, Writer!Andrew, Succession of vignettes, Non-Chronological, Family, Established Relationship, Domestic Fluff

[Part 3 of the When the frost is in bloom series - Chapter 3/? - 7640 words - Updated 2020-06-05]

Summary:

Nicky (finally) gets to meet his cousin's mysterious boyfriend. It doesn't go exactly as he'd expect.

(Set after Frost Bite, somewhere in the same winter)

(TW: Self-harm scars)

[Read on Ao3]

Chapter 3: Ice Rabbit

Pale sunlight bounces off the snow piled up on the balcony and inundates the room. Neil has left the window clear of frost today, content to absorb the unfiltered morning rays with his eyes closed.

“If you were a cat, you would purr,” comes Andrew’s voice from just below his neck.

Neil trails lazy fingers through the layers of Andrew’s curls and smiles. “So would you.”

A noncommittal grunt answers him. Neil lowers his fingers to scratch at the back of Andrew’s neck, and turns it into a sigh. Andrew’s eyes flutter shut as he leans into Neil’s chest, and the hand that was holding up his book drops upon the couch.

He’s sitting curled up in Neil’s lap, with his feet up on the cushion and his back to the armrest, Neil’s right arm draped across his middle. They’ve been dozing in the living room since the scent of warm coffee coaxed Andrew out of bed. Finding a good position took a few minutes, but Neil would be lying if he said it wasn’t worth it.

He presses his fingertips to the sides of Andrew’s nape, and massages a low hum out of him. “You’re tense,” he notes. He lifts his free hand up to pick the glasses off Andrew’s nose as he keeps massaging the knots out of his neck, startling Andrew’s eyes open.

A sigh. “People have been asking about you.”

“Oh,” Neil says, and puts the glasses down by Andrew’s feet. There’s a smile dancing on his lips. “You told them about me?”

The idea sparks tiny fireworks in his chest. Somehow, it never occurred to him that he’d get to be a part of Andrew’s life even when he’s away.

“They think you work abroad,” Andrew says matter-of-factly, dismissing the implications of people knowing about Neil with a wave of his hand, like it’s nothing.

He knows better than that, though. The steady weight of his gaze holds Neil for long seconds, unwavering. And Neil watches back. He sees the carefully guarded hope cradled in the crook of a palm, and so he holds Andrew’s hand in his own and smiles.

I’m real, he thinks, meaning to speak.

Real, real, real, his magic sings beneath his skin.

“What did you tell them we were?” he asks, grinning wildly now.

“Involved,” Andrew answers.

Neil thinks his ribcage might explode. He kind of wants it to. Instead he hums, and squeezes Andrew’s hand in his. “Is that what we are?”

Andrew lifts an unimpressed eyebrow.

Neil doesn’t think he’s ever felt this stupidly happy in his life. He starts massaging the back of Andrew’s neck again, amazed as he always is to feel the dense mass of Andrew’s body slowly mellow under his touch. There is another hum, and then the sound of a book falling shut.

“When you say people…” Neil trails off.

Andrew opens his eyes with a sigh. “Mostly Nicky. He’s been - nagging.”

“I thought that was his default?” he asks, a little distracted as he works his way up the occipital bone, extending the massage to Andrew’s scalp.

He feels a slight dip in the couch cushions as Sir joins them, snuggling her round little body between them, half on Neil’s lap and half on Andrew’s stomach. She starts purring almost immediately. The rumble only intensifies as Andrew starts scratching slowly behind her ears.

“He wants to meet you,” he tells the cat.

Neil’s hand freezes in Andrew’s hair.

If he had a heartbeat, it would have stuttered in his chest. It’s the magic, instead, that trips - a wild, electrifying surge of ice. It courses quickly through his veins, seeking an outlet, so he directs it at the window by reflex. The whole pane frosts over, and then some.

Andrew raises both eyebrows at him.

Neil just smiles.

He huffs, a little aggravated laugh, and drops his gaze upon the cat. Neil goes back to rubbing tiny circles into his scalp, but his ribcage feels tight.

“How would I meet him?”

Andrew looks up, then down again as Sir headbutts his hand for more petting. “You don’t have to decide now.”

“I know,” Neil assures him. “But I’m curious.”

Another small huff. He leans back against the armrest, so Neil lets his hand drop. “People see you when they believe in you. We’d just have to give him proof.”

“You want me to magic him into believing in me,” Neil guesses.

“Something like that.” Andrew shrugs.

Neil blows a magic-infused breath at the window from just over Andrew’s head, and the frost withdraws its petals from the glass in one swift motion. He contemplates the snow-covered city beyond and says, “Okay.”

“Okay?”

Neil looks away from the window and nods. “Sure,” he says, smiling. “I’m not the one who’s going to look stupid if it doesn’t work.”

He earns a poke in the ribs for that. It only makes him grin wider.

Convincing Nicky to come over is the easiest part. He’s surprised, at first, that Andrew would be the one to invite him, instead of having to ask (and ask, and ask, until Andrew is finally in the adequate disposition to say yes), but elation quickly takes over.

“You didn’t tell him why he’s coming over,” Neil remarks when Andrew’s hung up.

“I’m not leaving him a whole week to come up with annoying questions,” he says.

Neil just laughs.

It happens a week later.

It’s a Sunday, which means Nicky’s not working. On the phone, Andrew agreed to lunch. Nicky would buy the groceries, and he’d cook.

They wake up late. They set up an alarm around 11am just in case, and barely emerge just in time to avoid the blaring ringtone. Last winter, they’d had no use for alarms. Neil was always awake bright and early with the first rays of sun. But this year, sleep has a better hold over him; not that he really has a need for it, but - he likes the warmth. He’s still always the first one to wake up, but it happens slowly now. The blanket draped over them is heavier, the pillows inviting, and Andrew’s presence a comfort he’s loath to leave. Getting out of bed before him is starting to feel more and more like stepping away from a fire, each step colder than the last.

Which is why on Sunday, when Neil wakes up, he isn’t really surprised to see that it’s already a few minutes past 10. Light slants through the shutters and pools at their feet. Andrew is turned towards him, face slack and soft in the dimness and crowned with his usual morning mess of curls. His left hand has disappeared under Neil’s pillow, but the other one lies slightly curled between them.

Something vast washes over Neil as he stares. It feels important, this moment. Everything about it.

The curve of Andrew’s fingers. The orientation of the hairs in his eyebrows. The slight bump of his collarbone peeking out of the oversized shirt.

It says something. Not in of itself, but in the resonance it finds in Neil’s chest.

It’s important. It might be the most important thing in the world.

Neil threads his fingers with the ones lying lax underneath his pillow. A sigh seeps out of somewhere deep within him, and the air brushes against a few stray strands of blond hair.

When Andrew opens his eyes, the movement of his eyelashes is slow. Neil follows every single one and he would count them, too, if his ribcage didn’t feel so tight. He could freeze over the whole wide world right now, if he wanted to.

He doesn’t. He drags their intertwined hands to his mouth instead, and brushes a kiss over the back of Andrew’s.

Andrew brings his other hand to the back of Neil’s neck and shifts closer, pulls Neil in with eyes like molten gold.

It’s a lazy kiss, sleep-soft and lingering, all sluggish lips and morning breaths.

When they emerge from it, Neil’s hair is well and truly mussed. In-between them lie their hands and Andrew’s bare forearm, the flesh grooved and carved by wounds deeper than their scars.

“Can I?”

Andrew nods. Neil carefully pulls his fingers free and drags them down the curve of Andrew’s palm. He brushes along the faint lines of the veins tucked on the inside of the wrist, follows a slight dip between two tendons, and reaches the first ridge. It feels different against his fingertips, the skin smooth and stretched out of its usual elasticity. Strange, that it should not feel jagged. Strange, that the edge of the blade should not leave sharper marks upon the flesh. The skin rises and drops like valleys, like a secret language born out of pain and healing, control and the will to go on, even then. It’s a testament to both Andrew’s weakness and his strength.

Neil goes on past the scars to the elbow, covering Andrew’s forearm with his own. The hand at the back of his neck clenches lightly. Neil leans forward and presses a kiss to the top of Andrew’s brow - the center of the cheek - the edge of the jaw. Andrew hums and steers him in the direction of his mouth, and they both sigh into the kiss.

By the time they get out of bed, they only have a couple minutes left before the alarm is set to ring. Andrew turns it off before it has a chance.

Nicky shows up right on time.

He’s holding two bags full of groceries, and he’s got snowflakes clinging to his knitted cap. His smile is blinding.

“Hello Andrew! How’s my favorite cousin in all the world?”

Andrew rolls his eyes and steps aside to let Nicky in, taking the bags from him to carry them into the kitchen. “Take off your shoes.”

“What do you think I am, an animal?” Nicky calls after him.

Andrew doesn’t answer. He puts the bags on the counter and starts unloading them. He’s pleased to see the two tubs of brownie ice cream, which he quickly puts into the freezer before they start melting. Not that the temperature outside would have endangered the goods, but one can never be too careful.

A gust of ice, and Neil’s voice comes tickling his ear.

“Isn’t it a little cold for ice cream?”

“Not in here,” Andrew says, and pushes the fridge’s door shut. Neil is sitting on top of the counter, mouth curved in an easy smile and white hair crowned with silver light.

Behind Neil, Andrew can hear Nicky making his way into the living room. He busies himself with serving the coffee he readied earlier, then brings a cup to his cousin. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Neil swivel in his seat to face them.

“Thank you!” Nicky beams, curling his hands around the cup. “It’s so fucking cold outside. I swear winter lasts longer every year. Anyway, how have you been?”

“Good,” Andrew answers, already bored of the small talk. “Do you know what my last two books have been about?”

“Sure. They’re your best ones,” Nicky says as he pretends not to snoop around the bookcases.

“You read them.”

“Well, of course. I’ve read all your books,” Nicky says offhandedly, then crouches to pet King.

Andrew very carefully does not react.

Nicky doesn’t read much. He’ll pick up a few queer romances, non-fictions about whatever subject has caught his fancy, psychology material for his work. But that’s it. He doesn’t like fantasy, and he’s far older than the target demographics of Andrew’s books.

Strange, how it’s the little things that still surprise him the most.

Strange, how Andrew knows that Nicky taught him everything he knows about love, and yet he can still be caught unaware when his cousin shows him exactly that. Perhaps it’s the noise and the stubbornness that makes him forget, sometimes, the image Nicky bent over parenting books at night, pushing all three of them through therapy with what money he could save, the hours upon hours spent helping them learn the specificities of a whole new language and a whole new country.

Without him, neither Andrew nor Aaron would have made it past 20 - let alone college.

He snaps out of his thoughts as Nicky brushes past him towards the couch. His eyes follow, and then automatically land on Neil, who’s still balanced on the counter. He’s looking at him with one of those aggravating smirks etched upon his face.

“Is that a new mug?” Nicky’s voice calls. He’s pointing at one of the two empty mugs that they forgot to put away yesterday. It has a bright orange fox on the front, and tiny pawprints curling all around it.

“No.” It isn’t. Andrew’s just never used it himself.

Nicky is looking at him like he expects an explanation, so Andrew just stares until he gets the message. Somewhere to his left, Neil snickers.

Andrew grabs both mugs off his desk and takes them to the sink, making sure to bump into Neil’s leg on his way to the kitchen. While he’s there, he fills the cats’ water bowls to the brim and puts a few stray items away where they belong. Neil’s gaze doesn’t leave him the entire time.

“Staring,” he mutters, and closes a cabinet.

“You’re stalling,” Neil retorts.

“Did you say something?” Nicky asks from where he’s sitting upon the couch.

“Just talking to the cats.”

He lets out a breath, and glares at Neil. He gets a grin in return, but there’s a tension in the way Neil holds himself that mirrors the one Andrew’s been feeling since Nicky rang, so Andrew flicks his forehead. Neil retaliates by pinching his arm, and Andrew’s about to poke him in the ribs when Nicky walks into the kitchen.

“Andrew? Everything alright?”

“Yes,” Andrew huffs. Neil’s grinning like he’s just won the fight, and Andrew wants nothing more than to eat the smugness directly off his face.

But Nicky’s looking at him quizzically, so he opts for going back into the living room instead. Nicky looks like he might want to ask if Andrew’s okay again but he follows, and when Andrew gestures at him to sit on the couch he complies without question.

“I called you for a reason.”

“Aw, and here I thought you just wanted some quality family time,” Nicky jokes.

“Isa Holle is real,” Andrew says.

As predicted, Nicky’s mouth falls shut. Then a grin takes over his face. “I knew it!” he crowds. Andrew very much doubts that he does. “He’s inspired by that mysterious boyfriend of yours, isn’t he?” he goes on, then gasps. “Is he here right now? Am I going to meet him?”

“Nicky.”

“You weren’t lying when you said he’d be excited,” Neil comments.

Andrew ignores him. “Yes,” he tells Nicky, and immediately raises a hand to shut him up. “He’s in the room right now.”

Nicky’s smile falters. “What?”

“He’s here,” Andrew repeats, and points at Neil. “Right by the desk. And he’s going to frost my window.”

Neil does. Nicky gasps.

Then Neil presses his hand flat against the glass, and the whole sheet of ice comes to life.

Flowers bloom. Cats run wild among them, morphing into mice mid-jump and then growing into trees, a whole forest of them, realistic at first then abstract, shapes and patterns without sense. They come together slowly, merging into a single round shape with two long ears.

The rabbit jumps out of the window. A spatter of snowflakes trail after it as it bounces in the air, then floats down to the floor and trots up to a gaping Nicky. The rabbit presses its head against Nicky’ shin and instantly dissolves out of existence, leaving only a breath of fluttering snow in its place.

Neil’s hand hasn’t left the window. He’s grinning.

“Show off,” Andrew says.

Neil flips him the bird.

Nicky looks at Andrew, and then back to the window where Neil’s hand is. He squeezes his eyes shut then opens them again, several times in a row.

And then his eyes snap right upon Neil’s face.

Neil flinches.

“Holy shit,” Nicky breathes. “Holy fucking shit.”

Neil turns towards Andrew with his grin back in place. “See? This is how normal people react.”

“You weren’t as flashy when we met. And I had time to wrap my head around it.”

“True,” Neil concedes. “But this is way more fun.”

“Not for him.”

Neil’s attention drifts back to Nicky, who’s still too shell-shocked to move. He’s gaping at Neil like - well, like Andrew just pulled him out of a book, which isn’t that far from the truth.

“Hi,” Neil says. He steps away from the window, and the frost melts away in the blink of an eye. “I’m Neil. Andrew’s boyfriend.” He extends his hand. Nicky stares at it like it might bite him. “Also a winter spirit.”

Nicky reaches forward slowly, eyes fixed where his and Neil’s hands meet. Neil’s smile is blinding at the contact.

“This is real,” Nicky mutters, looking up at Neil’s face. “You are really real.”

“I am.”

“Did you come out of Andrew’s book?” Nicky blurts out.

Neil’s eyes widen for a split second, and then he’s laughing, head back and free, loud gasps of cold air popping out of his throat. The day Andrew gets used to the sight, he’ll probably be dead. Neil’s laughter quietens down too quickly, but his face is still radiant when he exchanges a look with Andrew.

“Other way around. I came out of a lake, actually.”

Nicky gapes. “Wh - a lake?”

“Long story.” The tone is light, but subtly dismissive. Nicky’s mouth shuts close with an audible click, but it’s only a matter of time before the questions start pouring out. Andrew, reluctantly, steps in.

“Nicky.” His cousin’s attention fixes on him, more out of reflex than anything else. He looks stunned - understandably so. “Come help me make Spätzle,” Andrew orders.

Nicky steals a glance in Neil’s direction, then nods.

The key, Andrew assumes, is to keep his cousin too busy to talk. Let the questions simmer down. Let him process the crack in his reality. Nicky has always had a tendency to spill his thoughts before they’re fully formed, but he’s grown past the overly cheery teenager with too many shame-drenched blades in his own flanks to notice where others might hide theirs. A small nod in Neil’s direction is enough to keep him out of the kitchen - Nicky doesn’t need a physical reminder of what’s already wreaking havoc in his mind.

There is no thinking needed to make Spätzle dough. It’s an activity they have practiced many times before, just like this - a whisk, eggs, flour, milk and salt, and the automatisms of two people used to operate in the same space. Andrew had intended to take care of the meal all by himself, originally, but Nicky needs the familiar, mindless gestures more than he does right now. There’s the chicken to take care of, anyway - leftovers from a past meal to reheat while he sautés mushrooms with onions, some garlic and a generous splash of cream.

There’s no need for Nicky to keep whisking for as long as it takes Andrew to be done with the sauce, but he doesn’t comment on it. He pulls the Spätzle maker out of a drawer and slams it down on the counter once the pot of water is boiling. Nicky startles, and smiles, settling the tool over the pot and pouring in the dough slowly, with the kind of pointed focus he really doesn’t need for the task.

The cats choose this moment to rub against Andrew’s leg and whine for their reserved pieces of chicken. Andrew pushes them away with his foot and a grunt.

“Watch the sauce,” he tells Nicky, then grabs the tupperware where he left a couple pieces of meat and walks over to the cats’ bowls, over on the other side of the L-shaped counter that separates the living room from the kitchen.

Neil is sitting cross-legged on his desk, and he raises a tentative look when he notices Andrew stepping out. He’s smiling, but he looks unsure, one hand playing with the hem of his hoodie in that lost kid way of his.

“Come set the table.” Andrew gestures towards the kitchen with his chin. “It’s almost ready.”

Neil’s face lights up. He jumps off the table gracefully, propping his staff against a bookshelf on his way to the kitchen.

Andrew wants desperately to follow, to supervise - to make sure that Nicky won’t freak out, or that neither one of them will say something stupid - but he forces himself to remain in the living room instead. Pulls his desk away from the window and into the center of the room. Removes his laptop to make room for the plates and the cutlery. Brings over the two additional chairs he keeps folded by the balcony door.

By the time he’s done, Neil is emerging from the kitchen with plates, cutlery and glasses (magically) balanced in his arms, and Nicky follows carrying the pan, where the Spätzle joined the chicken in its sauce.

“It’s been a while since we’ve done this,” Nicky comments as he sets the pan down in the middle of the table. “Last time you invited me over, I think it was last Spring. I made asparagus.”

The last sentence is directed at Neil. Andrew grabs the big wooden spoon and helps himself to a portion of Spätzle, handing the spoon over to Neil when he’s done.

“I haven’t had asparagus in forever,” Neil tells Nicky, a flutter of hesitation in his eyes as he passes him the spoon. The next sentence he says too casually, carefully eyeing Nicky as he speaks. “They don’t grow well in the snow.”

The Spätzle are good. The chicken’s a little dry, but that’s what happens when you reheat leftovers.

Nicky swallows his first bite of food and sets his gaze upon Neil.

“About that,” he starts, quickly glancing at Andrew before going back to Neil, “I have a few questions.”

“I’d be surprised if you didn’t,” Neil shrugs. He doesn’t look uncomfortable - just slightly apprehensive.

“What else can you do? Besides ice rabbits?”

Neil grins, that little bit of tension simmering down as he lists the extent of his powers. Satisfied, Andrew shits his focus back to his meal.

As it turns out, Nicky has a fair bit more than ‘a few’ questions. Whether by intent or not, however, he leaves the more personal parts of Neil’s story untouched. Neil answers everything dutifully, most of the time amused, if not puzzled, by the things Nicky’s curious about.

(What does he do in the summer? Sleep. Like a reverse hibernation? Kind of. What does he think of Isa Holle? They’re good books. Not very truthful, though. Can other people see him? Yes, but only those who already believe that he exists. Does he pull tricks on people? Sometimes. Was he there when Nicky visited before? A few times. Does he need to eat? No, but he likes it. Are there others like him? Yes. Has he met them? No. When did he meet Andrew? Three years ago.)

And so on, until their plates are empty and one and a half tubs of brownie ice cream have been consumed. (Neil only had one spoonful. He’s not interested in sweet things, let alone cold ones. Blasphemous, but Andrew isn’t about to complain.)

In the end, Andrew doesn’t have to kick his own cousin out. Nicky gets a text from his husband and makes his excuses all on his own, leaving with sweetness on his breath and the promise of another time tucked close to his chest. The flat is eerily quiet in his wake.

Neil stares at the door for a while, lost in thoughts as Sir purrs from his lap. He looks frazzled, and tired, the movement of his hand in Sir’s fur slow and absentminded.

“That was a lot,” he says eventually. Andrew levels a careful gaze on him, but Neil just smiles. “I can see how he’d be the person who raised you.”

Andrew quirks an eyebrow. It is a well-known fact that he is nothing like his cousin, physically or otherwise. Neil leans back into the couch, dropping his head sideway so he’s looking at Andrew instead of the door. His hair falls like wild threads of silver around his face and his eyes are blue, blue, blue.

“He’s a good person.”

Andrew doesn’t dignify that with a response, lest he be tempted to say something stupid. He pushes Neil’s face away and stalks towards the balcony instead, snowflakes making knots of his guts as he inhales his first cloud of smoke today.

If only feelings were as easily burnt as lungs.

Andrew has a feeling there wouldn’t be much left of him if he tried.

#tfc #aftg #andreil #andrew minyard #neil josten #all for the game #the foxhole court #nicky hemmick #jack frost au #i'm big on domestic fluff lately can you tell?#as you watch the snow fall #when the frost is in bloom #ice rabbit #fanfiction #wulfrann writes

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side-effect-of-the-meds · 5 years

Note

Erin and Ania are like holy fuck I can’t even. But for real Neil sees Abby as a mother figure in the book so like is it the same for Ania? Andrew too? Idek I just need to know their relationships with everyone

It’s time I map out their relationships anyways lol so thanks, love!

Let’s start with the lovely Ania

Dan, Allison, and Ania are roommates. It’s tough after Seth’s death bc Ania has to face her all the time. Erin tells Allison her theory too so Allison is avoiding Ania so :////

Dan is essentially what Matt was to Neil. She sees Ania and her first thought is ‘baby’. She adopts her so fast. Every morning before class, she’ll pinch Ania’s cheeks and kiss her fingers, chef-style Idk man. It’s just something my mom does to me ok. Let me be soft.

Renee rooms with Erin so Ania isn’t comfortable with her. Anyone that can spend the night in a room with that girl has to be hardcore.

Allison also gives Ania a lot of shit about her wardrobe. At some point it starts to get to her so when the monsters head to the mall, Erin catches Ania drifting towards the girl’s section on her own. She’s high so she follows her around, prodding her about it. When Ania tells her, there’s this moment where Erin’s drug haze parts for a second. Ania could have sworn that she saw anger flashing in Erin’s eyes for half a second. She shrugs it off until Allison shows up at the dorms with a bruise on her jaw. Erin knows Ania hides her body bc scars and bc she doesn’t like men staring at her. She refuses to let Allison shame Ania into doing something she doesn’t want to. In general, Allison and Ania have a rocky relationship because Erin keeps interfering. After Christmas, the two of them end up getting along a lot better bc they bond while Allison covers Ania’s bruises with makeup. Also after Christmas, Ania and Renee trade dorms so she and Allison aren’t in constant contact. Part of their friction was due to the amount of time they spent together. A lot of things have happened to Allison this year and the fact that she constantly has to see the source of a lot of her problems makes it hard for her to heal.

I’ve considered Fem!Nicky but I personally prefer Gay/Lesbian solidarity between him and Erin a lot better so yeah (However if you want me to run a few Fem!Nicky hcs, hmu and I’ll do it. She won’t be a part of the fem!verse but it would be fun). He’s exactly the way he is in canon. However, he is constantly trying to set Ania and Erin up and Erin? Doesn’t? Stop? Him? She’s so desperately in love with Ania that if Nicky wingmanning for her is what it takes to win her over, then she’ll take it. She also has a really dirty sense of humor. The jokes he makes fuel her late-night fantasies.

Aaron is disgusted with Nicky and, more importantly, himself. Ania is incredibly beautiful and he’s incredibly straight. He doesn’t like her bc he’s so gone for Katelyn. That doesn’t make Ania any less pretty. He finds himself staring at her all the time but so does every other fox so he doesn’t feel bad.

Katelyn thinks Ania is hot. She’s bi but leans heavily towards guys. It takes Aaron a long time to unlearn his homophobia but he manages it because Katelyn is bi and he couldn’t possibly hate anything about her. Once Riko is gone and Ania is safe, she starts to develop feelings. I mean, she always had feelings but now she doesn’t try to suppress them. She lets herself want to be friends with people. Katelyn happens to be at the top of her list. While the twins are with Bee at their sessions, Katelyn and Ania hang out. Sessions are only an hour/hour and a half long so the girls just grab a soda together or go window shopping in Reddin. I hc Katelyn as a genuinely sweet VSCO girl. Let me have this! Ania has a grunge/goth aesthetic because Erin buys her clothes for her but she thinks Katelyn’s clothes are cute too. Erin wants to hate the thousands of scrunchies and anklets she finds strewn across the dorm but they make Ania so happy. Once on a double date, on Bee’s insistence, Katelyn catches sight of a bubblegum pink scrunchie in Erin’s hair. It’s a stark contrast to her all-black outfit but it’s really cute. When Aaron goes to grab their drinks from the barista, Katelyn tells her so making sure to stay well out of Erin’s reach. Erin just grunts and turns to look out the window. The twins don’t blush with their whole face. Instead, their ears turn red. With Erin’s hair pulled up and out of the way, Katelyn has no trouble seeing her burning red ears. It’s progress!

Ania spends a lot more time out at Evermore as a kid than Neil did. As a result, she was really close to Kevin and Riko. She only knew Jean for like a month before she dipped. I got a request for Fem!Jean so you’ll see Ania’s relationship with Jeanie soon. Kevin sees her as a baby sister. He and Kayleigh were actually at the hospital when Ania was born. There’s a baby photo back at Kayleigh’s old house of 3yr old Kevin carrying a newborn Ania. He’s crying rivers in it. There’s an actual video of it as well. In it, Kay asks him why he’s crying. “She’s sho shmall!” little Kevin sobs. “Can I keep her? Pleashe, mom. I’ll be nice to her and take care of her and I’ll tell her I love her all the time.” You can hear someone laughing in the background. The camera pans across the room to reveal Wymack sitting in a chair by the door, cackling

TANGENT BUT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT WYMACK FOR A MINUTE! So Wymack and Kay are friends with some obvious benefits. He flips his shit when Kevin is born because what if that’s his kid??? Kay is just like, I was with a lot of guys and brushes it off. She’s lying through her teeth. Wymack is the only man she’s ever loved. Tetsuji is salty and I will go into this in another post but I think that Tetsuji really hated Kevin because he was Kay’s son but not his. I absolutely believe that Tetsuji was in love with Kayleigh Day and was pissed when she had a kid. Anyway, Wymack flies out to Ireland a lot to check up on Kay and Kevin because Kay is crazy. How could the inventor of exy not be? It’s literally murder lacrosse. He goes out to make sure Kay isn’t overworking herself and bc Kev has no father figure. Kev grows up knowing Wymack and absolutely adores him. When Kay dies, Wymack wants custody of Kevin. Kay knows who the Moriyamas are and recently she and Tetsuji have been fighting a lot. She’s scared that something is going to happen to her so she writes her will and emphasizes that she wants her son sent to Wymack if she dies. Her fight with Tetsuji comes to a head and the car ‘accident’ happens. It’s not an accident. Tetsuji ordered her killed in a fit of rage. He’s devastated when it actually happens. He loved her and now she’s dead. Well, who’s fault is that, ya dumb bish? He flies out for the funeral and so does Wymack. Tetsu finds the will first and is anger. He has it burned and has Nathan forge a new one where he gets custody of Kev. It breaks Wymack’s heart bc now he thinks Kay didn’t want him around Kev. Kevin is five and he’s crying because his mom is dead and now he can’t live with Wymack. He calls Wymack Dad and Wymack can’t do anything about this. Instead, he just hugs little Kev close and tells him it’ll be okay. Wymack tells Kev that Tetsu has a niece his age. Maybe Kev and Riko can be friends. Maybe they’ll even get married. Kevin says that’s disgusting and Wymack laughs a hollow laugh. Anyway, that’s how Kev gets shipped to Evermore. Tetsu doesn’t allow Wymack near Kev bc he knows the truth. The reason why Wymack always has a sports channel on because he used to keep it on in case Kev ever showed up. He watched every one of Kev’s games and interviews and everything. Wymack doesn’t get to be there to watch Kev grown up so he just watched from a distance. I'm not crying you are.

Wymack is a father figure to Ania and Erin. He’s there when Ania is born bc he went to visit Kay and Kev who were in Baltimore to meet baby Nathania. Kay carts him out to the hospital to meet her too. Nathan Wesninski was not in the room when his daughter was born. He doesn’t even meet her until she’s six months old. Wymack is the first man Nathania meets and she doesn’t even know. Mary didn’t want to hand Nathania over to Wymack but she and Kay are friends and she knows that he’s her baby daddy. Wymack doesn’t recognize Ania because he only knew her for a month when she was a newborn. Of course he doesn’t recognize her. However, he thinks about her a lot. She’s actually the first baby he’s ever held. He didn’t get to hold Kevin until he was two. Wymack treats Ania the same way he treats Neil but he puts in a bit of extra care bc he knows about Millport incident.

Abby is definitely as much of a mom figure as she was to Neil. However, after she shows her her scars, Ania gets a lot closer to her. She refuses to tell her things but when Erin gets sent to Easthaven, Ania has a hard time staying at the dorms. She spends all her time at the court bc she has to. She hides in the library bc it’s the one place she wouldn’t see Erin anyways. She crashes at Abby’s a few times because there are times she can’t stand the thought of going back to the dorms without feeling the brush of Erin’s hand on the back of her neck.

Oh. That’s a thing. Every night after midnight practice n Kev has gone to his room, Ania says goodnight to Erin. Erin will trail her hand across the back of Ania’s neck as she passes in response. It makes Ania shiver because her neck is as much of an erogenous zone as Erin’s is. Erin always watches it out of the corner of her eye bc God it’s the most amazing thing she’s ever seen. It makes her feel. Ania doesn’t really realize???? She’s so dumb. She knows it makes her feel good but she just can’t for the life of her figure out why.

It’s time I addressed the real psycho lesbian… While Erin’s is a facade, Riko is genuinely psychotic. She’s seven types of crazy. Actually, it skews a little more yandere but I will go into depth about it in the Fem!Jean fic. Rn, I’ll try to keep it short. Riko has her first crush when she’s eight? Nine? She kisses her crush on the cheek when she’s ten and Tetsuji… doesn’t take it well to say the least. The bit about it’s easier to remain straight? It’s the thing Kevin hears Riko say to herself every morning in front of the mirror. Regardless, Riko never gets over that first crush. Riko will never not miss Nathania Wesninski. When she finds out who Ania really is? She loses it. It’s fate, she tells herself. She will have Ania or die trying. Christmas at Evermore is a thing so I mean, I guess she does have Ania :( But she wants Ania to love her. She tells Ania as much and Ania spits in her face. :)

Most of Erin’s relationships are the same except for the Matt and Renee thing I covered earlier. The only other one that changes is Kevin. I know I say this a lot, but she really thought Ania and Kev would be a thing. She says no to Kevin for everything bc she’s petty. Kevin has always gotten everything that he wanted handed to him on a silver plate. Now he’s taking the one thing she really wants. If he gets Ania, he can’t have anything else. Again, I’ll cover her relationship with Jean later.

Thanks again your ask <3

Edit: I'm really tired and have a quiz tomorrow but I forgot to talk about Cleo. I'll make a separate post about her so stay tuned for that!!!

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bookish-nerd9 · 5 years

Text

A New Beginning

Hey guys, so i know that Nora said Andriel don’t get married but I’ve had this idea for a while and i had to do it, so i hope you will like it and please feel free to leave comments and give me your feedback :)

——————————————————————————

It happened about a month ago but when it happened back then Andrew hadn’t really paid much attention to it.

They were curled up

on the couch with the cats watching crappy reality shows with Neil’s constant commentary on it when Neil absentmindedly grabbed Andrew’s hand and started rubbing a circle around his ring finger.

It happened again over the course of the month whenever Andrew’s hand was in Neil’s reach he would hold it and start rubbing circles on Andrew’s ring finger.

Today they were having dinner with the foxes for the first time in months since their schedules always clashed they didn’t get together as much as they wanted to, not that Andrew minded much.

Neil was soo caught up in conversation with Kevin about the latest exy match, he was getting all aggravated when suddenly he reached under the table and took Andrew’s hand in his doing that weird thing again.

Andrew’s whole body tensed not because he wasn’t comfortable with holding Neil’s hands in public in fact they were beyond the point of asking for permission to share small gentle touches, but because that touch in particular and the way Neil rubbed that stupid circle on his ring finger no less made something warm and heavy settle in his stomach, and his heart did that weird thing where he felt like it was going to break his ribs and break free from his chest for the whole world to see.

“Are you okay?” Neil whispered to Andrew off course haven’t missed how his body tensed, idiot.

“Yeah, fine. Just finish your food already its annoying just sitting there untouched” Andrew said annoyance obvious in his voice for Neil to pick up on, off course he’s annoyed with himself starting to have new feelings now and annoyed with his stupid junkie being the one causing these feelings with his stupid gestures.

“Do you want to have some?” Neil asked uncertain but sure not to push.

“No, I’m waiting for your dessert” , “and for this night to be over” Andrew whispered this last part to himself but sure enough Neil gave him a aside glance and tightened his grip on his hand.

Going back home was such a relief Andrew was considering just curling on the couch and call it a night, but he needed to shower, alone, so he can try and decipher these feelings and why he’s having them.

Neil walked over to him hesitant with a question in his eyes, his blue eyes that Andrew memorized every emotion in them but found himself constantly lost and found in them all at the same time, exasperated he huffed and nodded to Neil.

“Are you okay? you were acting weird earlier”

“I’m fine, it’s nothing just thinking some stuff over”

“Can I help?” Neil said while he reached for Andrew’s hand and did that stupid, annoying, infuriating, warm, sweet, motion with his hand.

“What are you doing?”

“What?! I’m not doing anything”

“Then what do you call this?” Andrew held their joined hands in Neil’s face.

“Shit, sorry you don’t want to be touched, I…I’m sorry I didn’t realize, it’s just been a while since…”

“Stop fucking rambling Josten, I mean what are you doing with your finger this circle thing you keep rubbing on my finger, what is this?”

Neil took a moment to catch on to what he was saying clearly clueless and Andrew honestly wanted to choke the life out of him because he was making this without intention and making Andrew feel weird things or even consider….., no no no no no, he wasn’t considering it definitely not.

“Well I don’t know nothing?” Neil answered looking uncertain with his cheeks turning slightly pink.

“Do better Josten and you’re a terrible liar so don’t even try it”

“Can we sit down at least or do you really wana talk standing in the hallway”

Now Neil was fidgety and uncomfortable, good let him be for making me feel all warm and happy inside.

After they settled down on the couch Andrew tried his best in playing indifferent, bored even from this conversation but Neil was having a hard time forming a word.

“Talk” Was all Andrew said.

“Well you see I’ve been thinking about this thing you know, it’s a stupid thing really which by the way doesn’t matter to me at all, but I don’t know why this idea is stuck in my head and I thought that I’m done thinking about it but clearly not cause I haven’t even realized I was doing this when I held your hands.”

“You do realize that I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about Josten right!” but who was he kidding off course he knew but he couldn’t say it because there is no need to be embarrassed if he was wrong.

“Marriage okay, that’s my stupid idea” Neil but all shouted this last part

“I was thinking about marriage, everything about it really whether it will work for us or not because it’s us you know and how would that even work, and then I came to my senses cause you don’t want to get married and neither do I really but I don’t know seeing our friends getting married made me think if we could have that together or not, but it’s a stupid idea that I definitely stopped thinking about except maybe for my subconscious, there that’s what was going on”

Neil practically spat the words but Andrew understood, he understood every single thing Neil said and he really just only realized that he was thinking everything Neil was thinking about except he wasn’t willing to admit it to himself because what if Neil said “no”, that would be the “no” that would break him and he couldn’t let himself think like that, not after he found his home in the one person that would truly break him.

“Are you made at me?” Neil asked, voice small and eyes cast to the ground.

“Never!” Andrew let out before he could stop himself; Neil turned his head soo fast he was sure it will hurt him in the morning.

But the look in Neil’s eyes told him everything he already knew but needed to see every now and then, he was safe, he was loved and adored, his “No” will be respected more than his “Yes”, and he found himself a home that will never be taken away from him.

“Yes or No”

“Yes, Andrew it’s always a ….”Andrew grabbed Neil and crashed his lips to Neil’s soft lips before he could finish. With Andrew’s shower all but forgotten and after much kissing Andrew slept safely tucked in Neil’s arm with a sense of contentment that he never felt that intensely before.

The next day passed peacefully they both had the day off so they stayed in watching crappy TV and playing with the cats.

Andrew made dinner and traded with Neil doing the dishes for bathing the cats as he hated it, they detested taking a bath which resulted in lots of scratching and Andrew wasn’t up for that today, he was nervous and jittery without having the cats add to his state.

As he cleared dinner he decided to get on with it and end this madness, Neil was on the floor trying to coax to cats to take a bath and was making ridicules bargains with them on getting more treats and that the cat which will take a bath first will sleep next to Andrew, stupid really and not at all cute.

Andrew watching the scene in front of him felt like his chest will explode from the happiness he was feeling at the moment.

“Aww shit Andrew what was that?, can’t you see I’m in the middle of some serious negotiations?” Neil asked after Andrew was long gone having thrown a small black velvet box at his head and hurrying off to the kitchen.

Neil huffed picked up the box and opened it, as he did he gasped soo loudly Andrew could hear him in the kitchen.

“Drew?!!!” Neil yelled but Andrew didn’t answer and sure enough a moment later Neil was standing behind him in the kitchen.

“Drew what is this??” Neil asked with a voice soo small Andrew wanted to hug him.

“What does it look like Josten”

“Why are you doing this? Is this because of our conversation?, because if so you really don’t have to worry about it I know you don’t want to get married and it really doesn’t matter to me as long as we’re together Andrew you really don’t have to do this”

“It’s not because of our conversation”

“Then what is it? Shit Andrew will you look at me?” slowly Andrew turned to look at him,

“It’s not because of our conversation, it’s because…… I want to”

“No you don’t I know don’t believe in marriage and you don’t have to do this for me or because of me”

“I don’t do things because or for anyone I do them because I want to and I do want to get married except I was such a coward to admit it myself but you weren’t, and yes I don’t believe in marriage but maybe I found myself an idiot who is stupid enough to want this with me “THE MONSTER”, so if you don’t want it give it back.”

“What!! no are you kidding me what do you mean I don’t want it now who’s being stupid” Neil clutched the ring to his chest protectively.

“I just didn’t know you see me like that, ME who is broken in all kinds of hideous and you want to build something more with that ohh soo broken person, you once told me “I’m not your answer” but what you don’t realize Andrew is that you are, you gave me a key when I had no home, you told me stay when my legs and my mind were screaming for me to run, hell you almost choked Kevin to death when I went missing, you see me Andrew all my broken scarred parts that will never be healed and you fit around them perfectly you’re not just my answer Andrew you’re my everything.”

“Don’t say stupid things like that” Andrew chocked out

“Then don’t ask for the truth if you don’t want it”

“Well if you’re looking for a proposal you’re dreaming Josten I’m not getting on my knees, so what is it a “Yes or No”

“It’s a hell yes” Neil said with a shit eating grin and kissed Andrew soo hard he actually bruised.

Holding the ring up to wear it Neil realized there was an engraving in it, looking closely it said “JUNKIE” and Neil cackled when, Andrew rolled his eyes and turned his back at him to get back to the dishes.

“Go bathe the cats Neil or I’m getting rid of them and taking the ring back”

Neil gasped dramatically but kissed Andrews neck and headed to get back to his ongoing negotiations, then and only then did Andrew release a sigh of relief and smiled to himself.

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abraxos-is-toothless · 4 years

Text

Tummy Worship

In the Fellow Junkies chat we’re always losing our minds over the fact that Andrew totally has little bit of tummy chub and Neil is head over heels in love. If you don’t love soft Andreil then don’t read this lols ((: Also I might do a linked fic about Neil and being Demi as it’s only briefly discussed here?

A/N: I tried to keep them in character but I don’t think it worked and they’re also written in the way I personally want them to heal.

——————

It had been two years since whatever it was that they were had started. Andrew would never admit it, not even to Neil, but he was probably the happiest he’d ever been in his life. He didn’t think he’d felt this happy with Cass either, just Neil. The blue eyed, too pretty for his own good, Exy junkie.

They were currently lying in their bed in Columbia, Neil in nothing but his underwear because the freak somehow always overheated at night, and Andrew was in a pair of soft sweats but his chest was left bare because most days he was comfortable with that now. Neil was lying on his side and had his head on his shoulder, an arm around his waist, while Andrew was sort of sat propped up against the head board. It had taken them a long time to get to the point where Andrew was okay with cuddling but after a few times, he realised he quite liked the feeling of closeness to his junkie, like wrapping himself around him at night to prove that he really wasn't a hallucination. That Neil had stayed. Neither of them had spoken in what felt like hours but when the silence was broken it was by Neil’s soft and hesitant voice.

“Drew? Yes or no?”

They didn’t need to use that as much as they did in the beginning but if Neil was using it now, Andrew assumed it was for something new.

“To what, Abram? I don’t mind when you ask, you know that.” The tip of Neil’s nose always went red first when he started to blush, something that was so incredibly adorable it made a warm feeling bubble inside of his chest. Bee would call it healing, but Andrew just thought it was a lack of self-preservation skills. Neil rarely got nervous and even rarer, he never got nervous to ask Andrew for something, he always just asked (Andrew hated him for that). So instead of just kissing him to stop the words like he wanted, he remained quiet and waited for his junkie to finish talking.

“I want to lay with my head on your stomach, yes or no?”

Now it was Andrew’s turn to blush. He tried his hardest to stop it, but he could feel his face heat up and he knew for a fact that the tips of his ears were turning pink. Goddamn it Josten. His percentage was going up and he was buying Andrew at least two pints of ice cream. To give himself a moment to think he simply asked “Why?” Because there’s simply no way he could want that right?

“Because I’ve always liked it, Drew. I just really want to know if it’s as soft as it looks.”

“You’re joking right? I’ve got a layer of chub whereas you’re all muscle and abs, how could you possibly like what I have?” Andrew was glaring at his belly by the time he had finished speaking. Yes, he may play a lot of Exy –unwillingly yes- but because of the amount of junk food he ate, it left him with a little layer of chub over the muscles underneath. Sometimes he couldn’t help comparing what he looked like to Neil and trying to figure out how Neil actually liked what he saw when Andrew would allow him to look. He looked back up after a few minutes, realising that his idiot had yet to speak which made him slightly self-conscious. However, when he did, said idiot was biting his lip the way that always made Andrew want to bite it himself and he was just staring at his belly like it was the greatest thing he had ever seen. He finally managed to tear his eyes away when he spoke again, a quiet whisper between them.

“How can you say that? You know that my attraction and feelings towards you isn’t about your looks, I mean yeah, you’re beautiful and you’ve always been beautiful to me but we’ve talked about this. It’s always just been you and the connection we have, emotionally. It’s never been like this for me before, people were just people, but then I met you and after a while everything that felt missing in me just felt whole, you know?”

Andrew couldn’t breathe, it was like he had forgotten how to. His idiot had called him beautiful; no one had ever talked about him that way, but of course Neil would be the first. Yes they had had this talk only a few months ago, Neil had found him up on the roof of the Tower and had spent the evening talking about things Nicky had shown him online and that they had finally figured out why he only felt that way about Andrew of all people. Demisexual, they had finally concluded felt right to Neil. Made him realise why he didn’t work the way everyone else did when it came to being attracted to someone. He had to have an emotional bond before he felt anything sexual towards a person. And somehow, for some unknown reason, the idiot picked him. Wanted him. God, he hated that the gorgeous junkie made him feel this way, but knowing what he did made Andrew brave enough to say “Yes.” And when Neil looked at him as if to ask if he was sure he said it again with more strengths behind it, “Yes, Abram. It’s a yes.”

Neil moved slowly over him, trying to find a position that would be comfortable for himself while also being cautious of the few boundaries Andrew was still working on being able to let go of. Once he was where he wanted to be, he laid his right hand on one thigh and held onto one of Andrew’s after placing his free one into his own mop of red curls for Andrew to tangle his fingers in. After receiving permission and waiting for the body under his to relax again, he started placing soft, barely there kisses across Andrew’s lower belly. His breaths were gradually becoming heavy pants, loud in the quiet room when he finally let those small pecks become open mouthed, causing shivers down his spine. He watched Neil throughout, noticing the heated glances he’d occasionally send his way and the not so secret looks of fascination as they roamed over the expanse of bare skin before him. Eventually, the onslaught of overwhelming feelings became too much for Andrew so his hand that was tangled with the other’s tightened a fraction in warning.

This time when Neil looked at up at him, chin resting on the squishiest part just blow his belly button, he spoke the words that Andrew realised he didn’t think he’d ever deserve but had always wanted to hear. The words that were his undoing, that made him want to hold onto the idiot between his legs and never let go.

“I love you for who you are, Andrew Joseph Minyard. I’ll only ever love you. Always.”

He had never believed in having an ‘always’ but staring into those bright blue eyes, Andrew thought he just might get to have it.

——————

If you hate it then I’m sorry but it’s done now:) I know it was short too I’m sorry:( I have more aftg stuff in the world so if you’re a fan and want to be tagged in the future just let me know!💓

Tags: @bryaxisthefaceofnightmares @junkiejosten10 @jostenlovesminyard @oreosndscones @koholania @dollymangwani @certified-bi-fangirl-disaster @hannahoftheinternet @imstupidremember @stop-breathing-its-annoying @fancyclodpaintercookie

#all for the game #all for the gay #neil josten #andrew minyard #andrew joseph minyard #neil abram josten #neil and andrew #neil x andrew #they say i love you in my world #soft boys #tummy love #andrew has a lil bit of chub #the foxhole court #the raven king #the kings men #aftg

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ghost-in-the-stalls · 4 years

Note

your hc about mary please🤲🏻🤲🏻

Aw thanks so much for asking!! Idk if you're the same anon that asked about Tilda or a different one, but I appreciate you just the same 😍 no one has interacted with the Tilda post yet from what I can see so idk if people care about this in general but im glad you do! And I'd love to share regardless.

Once again this'll probably be long so it's going under a cut. Cw for normal aftg stuff but then also a little human trafficking mention in the beginning and general abuse/neglect both physical and emotional.

And once again this is in no way to excuse Mary's shitty behavior. She and Tilda were both abusive and terrible mothers and this is more just an exploration of the character and her mentality than anything else. I just love character depth.

Finally, I apologize if this isn't very well worded. I'm pretty tired but I dont like editing myself lmao I'd rather just get this out now. I think I get my points across clearly enough so I don't care as much about how good or bad the writing is

So Mary's mother was a woman who I consider not only having married into the Hatfords but who was basically like... sold to them as a child. Like maybe she was the illegitimate child of some other wealthy family who happened to owe some kind of debt to the Hatfords. And the Hatfords had only one son and were struggling to have another, but were desperate to keep the family line going. So they took this baby in exchange for forgiving a debt, and raised her to one day marry their son.

So this girl (whose name I've decided is Marion for some reason) is raised as a member of the family but like... slightly less. Treated as more of an object than a person. They basically only gave her enough of an education for her to get by, and made sure she knew from a young age that her sole purpose in the family was to marry their son (let's call him Samuel).

So you can imagine she didn't grow into a very happy woman. But she filled her role. She married Samuel Hatford, gave him 3 kids, and then pretended to stay out of the way. Stuart was the oldest, Mary in the middle, and I hc they had a younger sister as well. Don't ask me why. That just popped into my head one day and now I can't imagine otherwise.

So this family dynamic was fucked from the beginning. See Marion filled her role, but she had plans. In raising her children, she gave a great deal of care and attention to Stuart as he was the eldest and the only son. He was to inherit the family business upon his father's death or retirement. And she wanted to make sure she was taken care of properly in her old age. So she made Stuart feel as loved and doted on as she could.

Her daughters served her no purpose, so they got very different treatment. Mary especially was affected by this. The youngest daughter was able to generally slip under the radar and find her own niche in the world (married into a powerful wealthy family through a man she genuinely loved and that was already more than anyone needed or expected from her).

But Mary. She felt her mother's cold shoulder on a very deep level. Their father wasn't exactly a family man- couldn't be bothered. And here was her mother, so plainly and openly playing favorites. Stuart would get hugs and soft words while Mary would- on a good day- get slapped for even opening her mouth. See Mary and her sister were never meant to have any real power in the family. So what did it matter to Marion what grudges they held against her?

So enough years go by and Marion decides its taking too long for her husband to retire. So she takes matters into her own hands. Starts slowly slipping poison into his meals in very small doses until he's too weak to fight back when she slits his throat. She doesn't hide what she did. She doesn't need to. When Stuart takes over at 22 years old, he can't find it in himself NOT to protect her.

But I'm getting carried away. So Mary was now in a pretty weird spot. Stuart being in charge gave her a bit stronger footing in the family (they'd always had a very close relationship despite their mother's attitude), but she was still lower rung. She still suffered at the hands of her mother's emotional neglect and manipulation. And she was getting tired of it.

In comes Nathan Wesninski. See the thing I imagine with Nathan is that he is actually incredible charming. His knives can only get him so much when there are people he can't reach to cut up. And when his rising empire starts doing business with the Hatfords, he and Mary latch onto one another very quickly.

They each have their own intentions in the relationship and neither of them are blind to that. But it wasn't an arranged marriage. See Mary saw Nathan as her ticket up and out. She knew he was vying for power and she knew he was fully capable of getting it. I wouldn't go as far to say they were ever in love- I don't think either of them were ever really capable of that- but Mary definitely had some strong faith in what their relationship could be.

Now, when she looked forward, she finally saw herself on top. She saw her and Nathan standing side by side. That power that had always been out of reach for her? It was now in sight, and she definitely was blinded by that. She didn't see what Nathan really was until she was in too deep.

Stuart and the younger sister had disapproved of Mary and Nathan being together from the beginning. Being in business with him, Stuart knew what Nathan really was and how much he could drag Mary down. Their younger sister had just learned to be much better at reading people. But it didn't matter what they said. Mary had her plan and nothing was going to take it from her.

Mary's commitment to marrying Nathan and Stuart's blatant disapproval of him created a deep rift between them. They had always been very close, but Mary saw his interference as an attempt to keep her in her place. She was stubborn and refused to back down. By the time she and Nathan got married, her and Stuart were barely on speaking terms.

Now the thing is, Nathan knew what he wanted out of Mary. And he also knew that once he had her, she wouldn't be able to go anywhere until he got what he wanted.

It didn't take too long for Mary to come to understand that what they had was never and would never be a partnership. She was a tool to him. And by the time she had Abram, he was already beating her into submission and openly fooling around with Lola on the side.

But now she was stuck. Their marriage may not have been arranged, but it was still a business deal. And even if it wasn't, Nathan wasn't going to let her go anywhere.

Once it became clear that Abram wasn't going to make an appropriate heir for the Wesninski business and Nathan tried to sell him to the Moriyamas, Mary decided she'd had enough. She was going to get out one way or another.

Now here's the thing. We know what Mary was like with Neil when they were on the run. We know how abusive and controlling she was. And she could say it was for his own good all she wanted. But ultimately, it was all about power. She had been beaten down from the very start of her life. She'd been left in the dust, bloody and bruised, while those around her rose to a power that was always just out of her reach.

But now it was just her and her son. And they may not even have the luxury of being real people anymore, but damn if she was going to lose the one thing she was able to call hers- the one thing in the world she actually had power over.

Because that's really all it's ever about isn't it? Mary Hatford wasn't capable of loving anything or anyone. The people who'd raised her and made her who she was had never taught her how to do that. And maybe the fierce protectiveness she had over Abram was the closest she could get to it. But really she just ultimately became the same thing she had always been fighting against. Now it was her own heavy and swift hands doling out punishment to a misbehaving child. Now she herself was the one getting the last word and making all the decisions. Now she had someone following her every command.

It eventually became clear to her that she very likely would die sooner or later at the hands of Nathan and his men. She could only run so far and for so long. But even in her death, she knew she would never let them take what was hers. She never took Abram to Stuart because the break in their relationship was beyond repair at this point. But she still would prefer Abram eventually ended up in his protection than at the end of Nathan's knife. But until these things came, she took Abram and kept running. The more days they ran, the more days she had of power over him and freedom from everything else. The more able she was to ensure that Abram would keep running after her death; that he'd never fall under anyone else's power and that her voice would be the only one left in his head at the end of each day.

If she could see where he'd ended up, she'd be furious (and she'd be surprised at her own fury, as introspection wasn't something she indulged in often). He was never meant to live. He was never meant to move on from her memory or to leave her dying request behind.

But, at the same time, good for him for finding his own strength and place in the world. Because of course it could only happen once she was gone.

---

So thats my take on Mary. Once again, she was a piece of shit just like Tilda. This is not to do anything other than explore the character and give her complexity. I do genuinely believed she "loved" Neil in the only way she could ever be capable of loving anyone. But it wasn't love. It was possession. And good on both him and Andrew (and Aaron and Nicky for that matter) for being able to slowly learn to heal from the abuse they suffered at the hands of their parents.

Thanks so much again for asking!! It means a lot and I love to share my headcanons 😊❤

#aftg #aftg meta #mary hatford #stuart hatford #neil josten #nathan wesninski #nathaniel wesninski #abram hatford #tfc #my writing

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