#less for myself but for my parents
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im sliding right into that kind of art slump where you cant get past drawing a few blocks of color without getting bored and frustrated already, your head is empty, theres nothing that makes your brain go OOOH! DRAW!
like everything is uninteresting and nothing matters- i know very well this feeling passes but i hate that it is now, again, when i have a little more time than usual AND want to do nothing but draw
i also feel like i have asked too many times too frequently for encouragement, i dont really want to do that again
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i know take a break and do soemthing else#but theres nothing of interest to do#i got no games that interest me as i played through the pokemon dlc recently#no new movies i am interested in#idk#all the while time ticks by#my birthday was pretty good even if i got next to nothing#the fun i had that day spending time with my dad was worth much more#maybe it is too bc i am older now ... i truly feel like im running out of time#less for myself but for my parents#i want to spend time with them but also want to get more work done so they will get to see it#and of course the world is at war too- which isnt helping lol
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#heavier than my usual venting#im living in a lot of fear right now#my entire family is undocumented-- if not in the process of becoming citizens#i'm afraid of my parents leaving the house and never coming back#i'm afraid i'll hear that a brother or a sister have been taken#i don't even know if i'll be able to keep my birthright citizenship#we are not white passing-- most of my family can barely speak english#we live in one of the biggest sanctuary cities in the fucking country and now that's not a source of security anymore#i am in so much fear#it borders on paralyzing and i know that does nothing to help#i'm already quiet when it comes to chatting and while i am trying to push through it#doom scrolling and just allowing myself to spiral into despair isn't going to help anyone#but im working with possibly even less spoons than i already do#i want to keep creating and working on stuff since its the few things that give me joy#but its been hard to get out of this headspace#i don't plan on self-isolating or anything like that but i can already feel myself shifting into a strange sense of apathy#for a lot of things#i don't like that#it's awful#i don't want to drown in this#please be patient with me
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Something about AU Vander telling AU Powder she's "too smart to spend her life in a bar" vs telling AU Ekko (as far as he knows, anyway) that he thinks he'd be "running this place soon" makes the latter almost seem like an insult.
#everyone insisting Powder should be changing the world kind of fits with what the maintimeline has going on#only kinda bc if anything Jinx needs some peace and less responsibility and fewer revolutions and struggle and all that#but also if i were AU powder#who grew up dirt poor and lost both her parents and then her sister#and after a long period of grieve and strive#things look up#everyone is recovering (from poverty) and better physically and mentally#and i decided to chill out and remain close to my family in my chosen profession#and everyone kept telling me i should be more ambitious and change the world#i'd be biting people#or maybe vander meant ekko'd be running the undercity but doubt that's the intention of the line#anyway the entire episode's focus on powder kind of annoyed me#not in the sense that she's present but in the sense that every little detail is more about her than ekko#vander says ekko should be proud of himself bc powder's been raving about his z-drive and she hasn't looked so alive in a long time#as if the merit of the zdrive is that it made powder feel better and not that it's an amazing invention ekko plans to enter a competition w#and it would be fine if almost every conversation wasn't like that#but ekko never wonders about the firelights or asks claggor about his plant invention (which would be revolutionary for his undercity)#or even wonders about AU ekko's /his own AU's self apparently rather unhealthy mental state#the only conversations ekko has in this episode that aren't through the lense of powder are exposition with heimer and his hug with benzo#if anything powder's nonreaction to ekko's mood swings#worries and altered personality kind of implies that it doesn't matter to her#or the writers who exactly ekko is in this relationship or what her feelings are about him#but i'm getting ahead of myself#arcane#arcane season 2#arcane spoilers#ekko#arcane meta
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Read one of your asks which is how I found out that Cherik have a COMIC CANON LOVECHILD WHAAAAAAAAAT
you will address onslaught correctly alright that is their canonical love/hate mpreg brain baby child
#snap chats#sometimes they co-parent outside of onslaught tho ... xavier co-parents pietro and wanda a bit in the ultimate universe i think#i know we dont talk about The Ultimate Universe but we can take the good from it sometimes ....#also david- in krakoa- really looked up to erik and was. Really Moved by the fact erik trusted him#and THAT always makes me scream and cry and throw up remembering oouuugh david ... my son .. vegeta domed son of mine...#this is the daily reminder i have to get legion of x I SHOULD JUST GO GET IT. IVE BEEN SAYING ILL GET IT FOREVER#I DONT KNOW IF BOTH PARTS ARE IN THE COMIC SHOP ONLY THE SECOND PART WAS THERE I THINK LAST I CHECKED#guys should i go to the shop and pick it up today todays one of my less-busy days <- its still pretty busy#i thought of getting lunch too.... i have money to spend for once but also i dont really like eating#like i like eating but. idk . no i lied i dont like eating HLEKVEAKLJ BUT I DONT HATE IT#its just not somethign i think about its just a think i have to do yk. moving on from my Questionable dietary habits#NOOOOOO WAIT there was this one matcha place i really like... is it because of the matcha or the gal that works there dont ask me#the matcha is really good tho .... do i treat myself for. my insane morning... many questions i ask myself...#anyway yeah they got a baby or whatever //party popper noise// congratulations its an abomination. and davids half brother
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if everyone i know keeps insisting I'm autistic I'm gonna snap and transautistic myself. just you fucking wait.
#/silly#(several people are convinced I'm autistic)#(AND LIKE I DID MY RESEARCH I DON'T THINK I AM)#(like i have some traits bc adhd and being raised in a certain environment* BUT I DON'T THINK I PASS THE CLINICAL THRESHOLD)#(however now i am doubting myself pwp)#* very neurodivergent family + less socialising as a child due to 2nd generation immigrant shit like not knowing english for a while#and parents not having friends with kids in the area to socialise me with + idk just being a weirdo#transautistic#transid#transx#pro transid#radqueer#rq 🌈🍓#rqc🌈🍓#radqueer 🌈🍓#🌈🍓
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This is for anyone and everyone who sews, but most especially quilters.
PLEASE REBLOG!!!
#quiltblr#sewblr#textile art#fiber art#my answer is yes and the print is USA patriotic prints. They trigger anxiety that borders on panic. making anything with those prints#makes sewing difficult. What about them triggers anxiety? Look at who typically wears that kind of print/pattern. They're MAGAts/#conservatives/hate groups. It used to mean something positive but now when I see these prints I want to run far away.#it's hard enough using red/white/blue color combination because of the association. I made placemats for my parents using those#prints because my mom sent them to me. All US flags and bald eagles. She called me when they arrived with all the scraps.#asked me why I didn't want to keep the scraps. When I told her simply hate looking at those prints she was baffled. I grew up in the#military and apparently should be comforted by the prints. NOPE!#the last time someone tried commissioning me for a quilt using those kinds of prints I offered them a refund because I straight up#will not do it. they were perfectly happy with the color combination instead after I explained why. I used floral and water prints#which made it less difficult but I had to constantly remind myself it's all pretty things.
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Finished the whole broken little family! I hadn't finalized their designs up until now, but heres Sly's parents Dodger and Jade, eventually I should draw his two other older siblings!
#cautiously optimistic as my hands are slowly getting better from rest!#so testing it out a bit#putting this on queue#Ascended#Sly Bastion#Dodger Bastion#Jade Bastion#its just boring 3/4 because i was really trying to focus on the reference aspect of it for myself#so I dont have to guess when i draw them again#wanted to focus on how sly inherited both parts of his parents facial features like jade's high cheekbones and dodgers eyes etc#if they look young for having a 30+ year old thats because they are despite being in their late 50s close to 60s their race lives up to be#around 120 average#a lil more a lil less depending#so yeah Sly's great grandparents are still alive as well
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they should've made my brother the older of the two of us. i mean he's smarter, he's cooler, he's bigger, he looks better than me, he's more determined than me, more analytical, more disciplined. of course, that'd mean I'd shrink into the background of my life like a rather pitiful peanut but hey, at least I'd have an excuse for it this time around
#i was... not okay. for a lot of my teen years. my parents had to keep so much attention on me#which. frankly didn't even work either. i don't think they were the right parents to grow a trans kid. for all they clearly love me & i too#they just didn't have the resources. but just bc their efforts didn't work that didn't mean my bro got any less the short end of the stick#and that's not fair. he deserved all the time and attention i got. hell he deserved twice as much. the kid's a legend. it wasn't fair#he's younger than me and probably already twice the person I'll ever be#it's incredible what a good man he turned out despite it all. i wish#. I don't know. I don't know what i wish. I don't feel very good about myself today#i wish i got to know him more. back then. instead of being all fucked up in the head. i look at other siblings we know and i just#i feel like that door closed up on us. and i hate it. i hate it so much
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Interesting. Don’t necessarily think I’m autistic but I have more going on than just ADHD and I’m not sure what that is.
#I’m not even sure if the ADHD is actually ADHD either or if it’s just technology addiction#Gonna get a REAL neuropsych evaluation at some point out of sheer curiosity as to what the fuck is wrong with me#I relate to a lot of autistic things and I relate to a lot of ADHD things; but I don’t entirely relate to the majority of either population#and I don’t relate to people with both enough to think I have both#I’ve begun treating myself as if I am autistic just for Kicks and using things that help them and it’s helping in some ways#but I know it’s probably not autism because even though I struggle socially; it’s not because of the same reasons#I understand social cues; I was only accidentally perceived as rude as a kid (and most kids are kind of blunt)#(Mostly a moderate amount of “Stop correcting me! It’s disrespectful!” from my parents)#And nowadays because of how much psychology and acting I study; I can perceive shrimp social cues#And I’m purposefully doing all the right things but it still feels like I fail social interactions because of my lack of assertiveness#which I KNOW come from being raised in a cult#so perhaps my odd social behavior is from CPTSD from being raised in a puritan doomsday cult as an only child#Because I was NOT introverted or sensitive to others as a child#I did not have routines as a child and the ones I did have were for fun and did not distress me if I strayed from them#But now I need structure as an adult because I don’t know what else to do with myself if I have nowhere to be#But at the same time everyone feels worse when they have no routine or expectations#And is it actually inattentive ADHD or severe derealization and an itch to do as many things as possible#because I spent my childhood being raised in a boring doomsday cult by disabled older parents who couldn’t physically do much?#(And I don’t fault my parents for being disabled but I do fault them for the whole doomsday cult thing)#So I spent my whole childhood doing mentally tedious things when really I’m more wired for physically spontaneous things#Because I was not allowed to walk around the neighborhood alone until I was sixteen#And I couldn’t hang out with friends I wanted to hang out with because they were bad association#So of course I got really good at drawing even though I don’t even like drawing that much#Of course I got really good at writing even though I don’t like writing that much#Now that I don’t need to escape from anything I find I actually hate drawing and writing because it’s such a chore#they make my heart rate accelerate in a way I don’t like to feel#(I hate writing less than drawing)
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School is starting soon!! I can't believe I'm excited for the stressors of classes OURGH...
#ill be moving out of my parents house on the 13th. and be starting on the 19th! oh god. that's 9 days#i think im excited because it means i can finally LEAVE THE HOUSE#i hate being stuck in the house with very little to do and simply doom scroll. caged bird energy fr#(family restrictions. i loooovee those)#pros: freedom. cons: a lot less free time + stress + no birds#however. the pros genuinely outweigh the cons...i treasure my independence wayy too much! (except i will miss the feathered balls...)#but on another note. im excited for so many things! See my roommate. cook meals for myself. have actual privacy...yknow basic autonomy :D!#oh i can finally wear the clothes i like judgement free! and i can go places without curfews! and i can play my music outloud!#OH i can finally kick up my social activities again!!#this bird speaks#GAH!! so excited!!#this summer “vacation” was genuinely the worst overall#saving grace was Art Fight and the DD friends i've made ngl. so thanks yall huge hugs to yall!
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the amount of effort that goes into figuring out what to cook and eat every day is RIDICULOUS. i used to think people were so weird and boring for eating the same thing every single day but it truly does make life so much easier
#and also it's nice to know exactly what your food is going to taste like before you eat it#like when i get unfamiliar takeout. half the time i'm like. oh.#i'm going to have to eat all of this. or be judged.#so i just do my best to suppress my gag reflex and Get Through It and then it makes me sick so what was even the point#i think my parents spoiled me. and the most annoying thing is they're significantly better at cooking now than when i was a child#so when i go over i eat three delicious home cooked meals + snacks and they're all different and amazingggg#and then i come back to texas and i am like. googling 'how to feed myself healthy vegetarian'#because I do NOT have the time or money or energy to cook three beautiful delicious meals Just For Me#i think this would be easier with a partner#this whole week i bought a fuckton of mediterranean groceries and i have been making and eating food!!#mediterranean is close enough to indian that i like it well enough#unfortunately for me. i am def going to have to learn how to cook indian food to get through life. because i cannot fucking eat american#i don't know HOW you guys do it i'm so spoiled#i'm assuming meat is this really amazing wonderful thing that just adds flavor to everything#(it is physically repulsive to me and the couple times ive accidentally tasted it it's bleh so i refuse to partake)#i think it's an acquired taste but it magically makes ur food better. that is my understanding of how meat works#cause american vegetarian food is the saddest fucking thing i've ever tasted#i still think about my coworker i was talking to about my food issues and he was like. 'do u understand that you have been given a gift#by having constant access to tasty food your entire life. i ate unseasoned green beans every day of my childhood. learn how to fucking cook#indian food already.' truly a horrific thing to hear. but i'm calling my parents more and going HOW TO COOK VEGETABLE? BEAN? PLEASE HELP??#and by god i am not going to turn into my coworker.#anyways we start with baby steps. lentils and rice it is next week .-. going to the indian store to buy pickles to make it more tolerable#and i have my cabinet full of spices already at least#i wish i was less pickyyy#sometimes lalita cooks indian food for me and i'm like wow. i love and appreciate u for feeding me. but this sure is south indian food#i don't understand How they use spices. it feels like they toss as much of as many bottles as they can into every dish#and it's. the taste is just OW OW OW and nothing else. where's the nuance. the flavor.#and i like it when things are spicy!! i can even eat things where the flavor is just Hot. but not when she cooks it.#she will like watch my face when i take a bite and then go 'if you don't like it i'm throwing away all my pots and running away'#which. honestly a fair reaction. the problem is that i am incapable of lying
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Catholic names that are making a comeback in my area:
Cecilia
Thaddeus
Benedict
Augustine
Jerome
Tried and true Catholic staples that exist in overabundance, helped along by being very popular amongst secular families as well:
Mary/Maria/Marie .... l mean, duh
Joseph .... obviously
Michael
David
Anthony
Cla(i)r(e) .... spellings may vary but the frequency of this name doesn't
Matthew
John
Catherine .... too many spellings to list
Catholic names that aren't as common as the staples but no one is surprised when they see it:
Luke
Faith/Hope/Grace
Dominic
Thomas
Margaret
James
Monica
An(n)(e/a)
Joshua
Elizabeth
Peter
Paul
John Paul
Theresa
Catholic names that *should* make a comeback:
Cosmas .... listen, you'll name your kid Damien but not Cosmas? Cowards.
Angelo .... the combined patrons of Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael plus it sounds nice
Miriam/Moira/Moriah .... still Mary, but with linguistic variety
Felicity .... it's such a pretty name, plus she's in the canon of saints
Josiah .... very underutilized, currently
Honorable mention:
Noah .... everyone has a friend whose brother is named Noah
Bonus: really obscure Catholic names for people I've met that were given to them by their very brave and devout parents:
Anselm
Ignatius
Perpetua
Fulton
Magdalene
Cyprian
#op#Catholic#This is just what I've noticed in my area#Obviously the frequency of names will depend on where you live#And there are loads of common names that l didn't list#This is more of a 'wow there are THREE Elizabeths here l hope you're ready for some nicknames!' kind of commonality#But even so too many to list#I have a less common name myself but it's not a 'wow your parents must be very devout' kind of obscure it's just not common anymore#Linguistics#Kind of
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lowkey was kinda scared 2 post this 😁
also woah two posts in a row??
#lemme explain myself 4 some of these#ok first off the reason I hate any ship with the new order x ivor is cuz I headcanon him as being WAYY older than them#like he could be a parental figure#or a weird uncle idk that's just the way I see him#i think axel and olivia r ok in a ROMANTIC sense#i see them as just rlly close besties#i hate the warden x xara cuz like#she killed him?? 😟#i dislike male jesse x petra cuz I hc petra as a lesbian 😗#also I feel like they would work better as a qpr#i don't like female jesse x lukas cuz I see them as purely platonic#same thing with harper x otto#idk abt a LOT of these since they r less popular ships 😞#jurm and harpvor r my otps 4 life 😍😍#mcsm fandom#mcsm#minecraft story mode fandom#minecraft story mode
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HAPPY JULANCE EVERYBODY
#i’m so fucking excited i have plans#there is one plan.#in particular.#and i make no promises bc i’m not excellent at forcing myself to finish things but there is one fic in rly rly hoping to finish this weekend#bc my parents aren’t home so i’m less stressed by default and hopefully i can just write and write and write!!!!#lance#julance#also i will make a special birthday post for the blorbo obviously
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the imposter syndrome i feel every time i even slightly think i might be autistic is insane, specially for a person who highly relates to the lived experiences of people who are professionally diagnosed.
Like I was just watching this one youtuber, and she was talking about very specific examples in her life and childhood where she saw autistic traits that made her realize she was autistic and then seek a diagnosis and then get one, and everything she was saying was like she was describing my life! But yeah no, I can't be autistic tho
#and one thing that has been filling me with dread (as if it was relevant lol) is the idea of seeking a diagnosis and#either not geting it because it's already so hard to find a diagnosis for '''''''women''''''' (afabs)#and that will make me doubt myself even more! but most importantly those around me who already don't believe me#but also i'm very scared about this one thing in particular which is the talking to your parents portion of the diagnosis#where the therapist will want to talk to people who knew me as a child... and that person will have to be my mom#and i'm pretty sure she will dismiss most signs. like she would either not bring them up because ''they're normal''#or play them as less important than they were#or maybe she didn't even notice them! because most of my struggles are internal!#things like being bullied or having no friends or liking a routine#idk if she'll be able to talk about all those#because my bullying wasn't violent it was mostly dismissive#my ''friends'' weren't really friends like i didn't CARE for them as maybe someone would have#and also they would leave me for no reason at all out of the blue... so i don't think even THEY considered ME a friend#and liking routine i guess she could say i prefered it but she doesn't know to the extent i hated going off it#i'm sure she forgot about the time i cried (as a 10 year old so not THAT young) because they made us change classroom#and i didn't know that was gonna happen... it was added to the anxiety that i thought my mother wouldn't be able to find me#but like the unknown classroom traumatized me (to this day i get anxious just thinking about that)#like... all those things i don't think she would bring up (if she could even) and i fear that will make me not get a diagnosis#not that this is a thing that's gonna happen cause as i established i cannot afford a therapist nor i'll ever get a diagnosis i don't think#so like it's not relevant#but i am anxious about it nonetheless#angel talks#personal#idk what's my point with this post btw i'm just venting and creaming to the void#dkfjhgdfg
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