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trashlie · 1 year ago

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Love and Deepspace Thoughts

I promised some thoughts about Love and Deepspace and we're a week into the game and I think I can finally ramble about it for a while. I've been immensely enjoying myself and screaming daily with my friends lol and I think I've been able to formulate my thoughts pretty well! Idk how many people actually wanna read this, but I always love to have a record of my thoughts - especially something this early in game, because knowing papergames, there's going to be so much angst, so many twists and turns, and I'm already seeing a lot of threads of how things could play out and I like to be able to look back and see how wrong I was lol.

I play on the North American server and have completed chapter 7, so this will be full of spoilers for story content, as well as a lot of spoilers for anecdotes, tender moments, and some of the myth stuff - I'll try to denote where I'll mention certain spoilers in case you're trying avoid certain things, but it'd be impossible to write all of my sincere thoughts and capture all of what I really love and am looking forward to without spoilers, unfortunately.

Below will have a lot of thoughts on the current LIs as well as speculation about the 2 coming LIs, as well as their dynamics, and further speculation on where I think - or maybe just would like to see - the story could be going. To be clear, I have not cleared all anecdotes or myths, as I'm trying to savor things and good lord I cannot pull all those cards; a lot of this is compilation between my experiences as well as @poisonheart and further things I've read and discussed in the server. I will also be approaching this as a longtime player of MLQC, papergames' other otome game, because I cannot help but see the comparisons between the game and sing the praises of where I feel like they've grown and refined, but I don't think you'll need to have played MLQC to read this - you can honestly just ignore those bits lol >A<

What I can outright, sans spoilers, say is that I'm really enjoying Love and Deepspace so much and I think that it's come at a really good time for me, personally, as a MLQC player, because there's so much in game that's been completed and we're basically going through the motions doing our dailies, waiting for our new chapter events or participating in the occasional events (if you aren't hoarding resources for SP wish tree events) so it feels SO refreshing to dive into a new game that takes place in the same universe/world but have so much new stuff to uncover, so much new lore, new characters to meet and get to know. In MLQC I have a very clear favorite, but so far in LADS, I find that while I think I might have a favorite, I really enjoy all three LIs so much and I don't feel bad when I pull someone else's card, because it means I get to gobble all the lore! I don't feel like "UUUGGHH THIS GUY" when we get to X's chapter route. Perhaps it's just that LADS really caters to specific tropes and cliches in a way that I enjoy, but I feel so much like they've done these characters great justice! This goes for the MC, too, who doesn't feel at all like a cookie cutter MC meant to be a stand in for our own self-insert, but rather has a lot of personality of her own, is feisty and discerning.

Also, I gotta give a lot of props to the character customization features. I understand why people are upset that you can only change your hair and hair color in the photobooth function, but we rarely see MC out of that feature - so much of the game is in first person POV - and the times that we do see her, she's seen from the back, so maintaining the same hair for all characters allows them to keep something they can use for her stand in in such scenarios. But the customization is legit nuts! You can do so much with it, I spent so long tweaking mine the day before the game launched! I want to make side accounts I will never play just to play with that function lol

But let's get into the good stuff!

I really cannot sing the praises for the LIs enough, and that's going to be the bulk of what I'll talk about, because even this early in game, there's so much nuance to the LIs in both their characters as well as their dynamics with MC. Everyone brings a little something different to the table, and with what little we know of the upcoming LIs, I think even if for some reason the current LIs don't work for people, maybe the new ones might? But personally, I am so invested in all three of them! While I think I have a definite ranking in favor forming, it's not like it means I dislike any of them at all, and I'm always so eager to learn more!

One thing I'd like to mention before getting into it is that I love the inclusion of the myth cards, and though they are treated as alternate universes, I think it's more like they are previous or parallel timelines, but I'll try to get into that a little more as I talk about the characters!

From what I can see so far, I think Rafayel is one of the more popular fans with the North American/English-speaking fanbase - and it's not hard to see why! He's sassy, provides good comedy, he's fun to bully, and he's really pouty. I had a feeling he would be my favorite from the get go, just because I tend to have a thing for really pathetic men lmao and I have SUCH a fondness for him. I said I think I have a ranking forming, but it feels WRONG to rank them because that's how much I really like them, but if I had to, Rafayel's #2 position is really, REALLY close to #1! But the thing is, it's not just because of all of those traits above. I'd argue that he's one of the characters who has a lot of iceberg depth, as in there's a lot of depth to him that may get ignored or glossed over because of the sass and brattiness that accompanies, or even masks, it. As poisonheart puts it, the comedy hides the pain - and Rafayel comes with a LOT of pain! There's a delicious complexity to him where he is one part needy and clingy, but also one part resentful and hurt. MC made a promise that she doesn't recall - whether it was in this life or another - and you really get the sense that Rafayel wants to settle the score, but at the same time his feelings get in the way of those bitter, hurt feelings, and I really enjoy this complexity a lot! I think it elevates all of the sassiness, gives it a purpose and meaning.

Take his Nightly Stroll Bond: on the one hand it comes across as comedic and even manipulative -and it is! But when you get into it, you understand why. That's not to say if I think there's justification for manipulation because that's not what I'm here for; I'm just here for a good time and a good time I'm having. But when Rafayel says "It's been 800 years!" I don't think that's an exaggeration - he just isn't talking about just the day that he waited. Is faking an injury/illness and checking himself into a hospital overkill? Sure lol but that's what makes him so delightful to me. There's all of this hurt and unaddressed resentment, but as much as that, there's all of these feelings! Because even though he's hurt, he CARES about MC, SO MUCH. That's the problem! It would be easier if he didn't care, but he does. He's so needy, so clingy, he wants her attention because he's waited for so long while she was off, having forgotten him, living a life that abandoned and left him behind while he waited and waited and listen ;~; my stinky fish man I'm so sorry I cannot wait for her to learn the truth. I want to know SO BADLY what happened! When did they meet, anyway? He makes a comment on the homescreen when he's sulking lol about "See you in three months... three minutes, landlubber"

HOW LONG DID HE WAIT FOR HER IF ONE MINUTE IS ONE MONTH TO HIM?!

And listen, idk what anyone else thinks, but the end of chapter 7 had me in my FEELINGS, with the way he tried to leave her at the bottom of the ocean - but he couldn't, because of their promise, because he's unable to go back on it, because even though she forgot all about him and their promise and went about her life without a memory of him, he can't do that. It's the hurt! It's the resentment! It's the confliction between his feelings, because it seems like they take up equal space - his hunger for her attention, for what feels like she was so fickle to give and take away, the way she meant so much to him and he feels like it wasn't the same ;A;

(I've contemplated how possible it is that they met when she was younger, before she was attacked in the Wanderer incident 14 years ago, and if that could somehow have affected her memory, but I feel like it must be something greater, because seeing the fish glow in his heart means the vow they made was binding, so something strong must've caused her to forget. But that's also why I've contemplated if this was in another life? I'm less sure about this, because in Rafayel's second anecdote, he crosses paths with MC at university, though of course she doesn't recognize or recall him, and he specifically recognizes her voice. "Though her voice has matured, her pronunciation, enunciation, the rhythm of her speech, and even the emphasis in her sentences... Every word strikes like a drumbeat, awakening long-buried memories in his mind" It feels more likely that it happened while they were younger. Also I feel like this passage really encompasses her significance, that he can recall these details, to recognize them after so much time ;~; stinky fish you make my heart ache ;~;)

I appreciate so much that they've given Rafayel so much depth, that under the comedy of his pathetic, sulky exterior is so much reason for it, that there's an undercurrent of resentment and something dark - after all, we haven't actually uncovered what happened with the painting and Raymond. We saw the mermaid skeleton in his house - was Rafayel seeking revenge for his people?

But Rafayel also shows tremendous emotional sensitivity, in ways that sometimes catch me off guard. I distinctly remember lol sitting in shock after 4-3, and the text from Rafayel that pops up asking MC if she got the thing, telling her about how he asked a seagull to send a white seallshell why hasn't it arrived yet lol and I remember going "NOT NOW RAFAYEL READ THE ROOM ;~;" and then he goes on, telling her "if you draw on it and put it into the ocean the sea will carry the feelings you poured into the drawing to the soul you yearn for" and I just started SOBBING lol ;~; It was just so.... poignant but so simple. He didn't say I'm sorry for your loss or my condolences or anything like that - it was his own chaotic, weird method, but it was sincere. Likewise, he shows that similar sincerity in Ocean At Night, despite initially dismissing paper lanterns as silly human traditions - a lantern will be blown out why would you put all your hope in something so fleeting - coming around to using his own flame, that will never go out, to light a lantern for MC with the prayer that her hopes will never go out. ;~; Listen, I cried. I was TENDER my heart was soggy ;~;

And while I know people love a good pathetic man and enjoy chaotic sass and the fact that we really, truly NEVER know where his plots are going to go lmao - always an adventure with him - I hope they appreciate that depth and don't disavow the darker elements of him that give reason to those core elements of him. Rafayel is a character that carries his hurt and bitterness on his sleeve, rather than hiding it or shoving it away, and I really look forward to exploring it and all the messiness it has to offer, and how it will play out for MC.

On the very far end of the spectrum is Zayne. He's the character I expected to not be too fond of, so I was so pleasantly surprised as we got to know him to find myself proven wrong! I expected him to be... hm... I guess colder? More prickly? Than he turns out to be? And, admittedly, he is still rather aloof and cold on the surface, but I think it helps that he and MC have that history and that we are introduced very early to them through the A Frozen Promise Bond. It made it readily apparent that Zayne was not a cold and aloof person because he was too lofty or something but rather... it just seemed like maybe he'd been someone more awkward when he was younger, someone who didn't know how to connect very well with the daughter of this family friend, but he still tried. The snow seal took me out, you guys ;~; I never moved on from that!!!!!!

Despite seeming so cold, there's a certain kind of warmth to Zayne, just under the surface. He shows his care and concern in the ways he knows best, as MC's PCP, caring about her well being and health, but their Tender Moments are a collection of wonderful moments showing them growing closer, getting to know each other better as people, as friends and equals. For the record, Starry Nocturne hurt me so much, but it did two things I thought were so important. a. It showed that he was not infallible, which I think is very important, because often characters are written in their roles as geniuses who never fail, or else accomplish the impossible, and to see him lose a patient, while painful to read, made him so human but also b. It gave him that moment of vulnerability with MC where he could lean on her. It's so, SO important! for a MI to be able to lean on the MC, I feel, for them to be those equals, for him to be able to be vulnerable with her, but especially so for a character like Zayne who feels very reserved and closed off.

MC makes statements about feeling like there's distance between her and Zayne, especially when they first come back into each others' lives for the first time, so getting to indulge in these little Tender Moments of them taking little steps towards each other, closing that gap between them, is so satisfying! Having that history gives them a dynamic unlike Rafayel or Xavier's with her, because she has her memories of their childhood, of who he was when they were younger, and who they are now, and can compare the warmth of him opening up, of the chuckles and laughter she elicits from him. They also have this kind of flirtship I really enjoy - something very coy, not in an uwu so shy way just.... very coy, both dancing around the bush, before one of them calls it what it is - I thought the A Heartfelt Paradise Tender Moment a really good example of this!

It's so easy to read Zayne as being cold and aloof, but he really does have so much warmth, he just isn't good at showing it. He doesn't wear things on his sleeves like Rafayel or MC. But good LORD when he's in private....!!!!!!! The Business Trip Memoria TOOK. ME. OUT!!!!!! This is the game launch and they're already throwing this at us?! It was, to me, such a mature kind of date to give us? Two people who have had to grow used to each other's absence in their lives, and continue having to make space for those absences, as both are busy people - Zayne, a dedicated cardiac surgeon and MC a hunter - and what it means to grow used to the absence and to miss each other. But listen - when MC got in his lap?! She was touching his mouth? His face?! "What did you want me to do, in front of all those people?" he asked her? SIR?!

HELLO?! Girl. Listen.

I had to fan myself alfjkkfkjafjkafkjaf lmao

I looooooove them for that element of normalcy - for the people who have important careers and lives that they have to attend to, but still find the room for each other in their lives. The implication that Zayne rushed his way through school, took on grueling workloads and lacked a social life amongst classmates much older than him, not because he loved learning or even because he was so dedicated to his career - but because it was his way back to MC, so that he could return to stand in front of her? GOD. HOW DO YOU MOVE ON FROM THAT? HOW DO YOU HANDLE THAT? Knowing that he did it all so that he could stand in front of you again? HOWLING pls LISTEN.

Zayne may feel cold on the surface, but he is SO warm, he cares so much. And not just about MC, either. Thank God, too, because I'm not huge on the "Cold man only cares about the woman he loves" type, but Zayne cares so much about his patients, and making sure they feel seen, cared about? His first anecdote had me crying about seniors in hospitals with no relatives to accompany them to their examinations ;~; What a man.

I haven't had a chance to dig into his myth yet, which is a shame, but his third anecdote DID destroy me. I'm not even exaggerating, I was sobbing in my bedroom - and the worst part is I knew it would be painful going in and I still wasn't braced for impact enough! I mean, frankly, both his second and third hurt but nothing like the third! Parallel universe Zayne in a grim reaper role where he must kill humans turning into Wanderers - so very opposite the surgeon version of him who does everything he can to save people, both of them living parallel lives to each other, experiencing each others' lives through their dreams/nightmares. THIS HAS ME SCREAMING!!!!!

So much of MLQC has a lot to do with timelines - parallel worlds, some alternate universes, a whole timeline that's technically the same timeline reset but also still moving forward...... lol I can't help but think about where all of this fits in to LADS. Even though the Myth storylines are taken as alternate universes.... I think they're part of everyone's stories. We see echos of them. I haven't finished Rafayel's but even little moments, like making a break for it and having to run to escape attention echos a scene of Rafayel and the Princess MC making a mad dash in the market alley to escape the palace guards. It feels especially true for Xavier and MC, which I'll get to. But especially with Zayne - whose myth, again, I haven't been able to dig into, but seems to pose him as a sort of god, a forseer - we have two very different timelines/events now: his myth/Philos story and his parallel Grim Reaper self. How many timelines/parallel universes are we playing with, I wonder....?

I really want to revisit this in the future when I do get to dig into his myth, because I can see how Rafayel and Xavier's myths tie into their identities and their dynamics with MC, but I don't know yet how any of that works for Zayne and MC! I'm so intrigued, I can't wait!!!!

And finally, Xavier. God, I should have known lol in retrospect I should have realized Xavier would be my weak spot but listen..... sometimes I gotta lie to myself lol I love everything about him, the seemingly gentle eepy man who is also simultaneously a walking weapon of mass destruction but also so easily stumped by a UFO machine lol. Much like Rafayel, I'm especially fond of him because of the depth and dynamics, but also, honestly, much like Rafayel, he just checks all the boxes. Poisonheart puts it best when she says Xavier is the perfect middle-ground of the two - he's not as sassy as Rafayel is, but he'll still roast MC, he's very grounded and comes off a little aloof sometimes, but he doesn't seem nearly as aloof as Zayne, and he's also really unintentionally funny! He plays the middle-ground of them SO well. And where Zayne was working hard in order to show up in front of MC again and Rafayel has a score to settle but also so much neediness, it feels like Xavier has a LOT of karma to make up for.

Now, I personally don't have his myth cards, but poisonheart does, so everything I know I've experienced via her and all of our hours of screaming lol and the thing that really gets me the most about Xavier and MC is like..... okay it's the way he's clearly this really incredibly strong guy, but he plays the submissive prey role so well? lol He begs if she tells her to, he doesn't resist, he indulges her, he plays along - but when the mood strikes, he'll pull the dominant switch and flip the table and alkfjlFKJKAFJ ALKJFAF LAKJFAKFKJFAJ AFLKJD GODDDDDDDD IT GETS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Xavier has that sense of like.... everything for MC, right? Like he's making up for a lifetime. There's implications that maybe he's been searching through space and time for her, trying to find her, that they've lost and each other countless times before - or rather, she's lost him - and his Shooting Stars myth supports this. Sometimes it's really subtle, sometimes it stands out so much I'm in agony. She remarks so often how he feels so distant, like he's as out of reach and mysterious as a star. She has nightmares about him disappearing and he is incredibly reassuring about staying, about not leaving. And maybe I'm reading into it, but he even talks about her hanging on tight, like maybe if she's strong enough, she can keep him from ever being taken away, keep them from being separated this time.

He's also the one who feels like he's actually endured all the years. Rather than separate timelines or parallel worlds it feels like Xavier has actually traveled through space and time, like he's the same Xavier from the myth himself, which makes him talking about the loneliness of stars so much worse. How long has he been alone, searching for her? ;~;

But their dynamic just really gets to me - it's those echos, the way MC subconsciously acts on them, and how indulgent Xavier is towards her. It's the playful teasing and the gentleness and how he plays so submissive and docile but when the mood strikes he can switch it up and catch her (and me!!!) off guard. It's the way he texts LMAO never writing out you or one lmao (which is marginally better than Rafayel's COMPLETE LACK OF PUNCTUATION LMAO ALFKAJFKJAFKJAFKJAFJK) It's the way he has that innocent baby face and could absolutely get away with murder.

Initially I had contemplated if it was possible he is actually a star and while maybe that isn't true I am still not certain he's human - at least he's not from our world (especially if he really is the very Xavier from the myth) but I still like to think of him as one, because he wears the star motif so well and likens himself to one so often. Also, look, I am a SUCKER for a star motif. I was doomed from the start lol.

There's just something about the agony and TRAGEDY in their past, in the echos, the subconscious fears, and the sheer indulgence!!!!! It's MC telling Xavier he might be her enemy later and the distress it caused him, prompting him to share his access privileges with her to earn her trust ;A; It's the way he's apparently spent DECADES, at the VERY LEAST, on our earth AND HE'S A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE COOK lmaoooooooo it's the stupid little lines he says because he's not as overtly clingy and pouty as Rafayel but an armful of plushies is a dreadful thing because then he doesn't have a free hand to hold MC's hand !!!!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS?! WHINES

I could write a whole essay about Xavier and I'm restraining myself and attempting to be really, really normal about him okay?

But yeah for him it's that depth of like... the guilt and agony he carries - because not only does leaving her hurt him, but it hurts himself, too. That unbearable loneliness, the endless wait, hoping, wondering, unsure of when, or if, he'll find her again, but refusing to give up - and when he does, endeavoring to make up for it. Like, as it is, there's something about strong men being submissive that is so lakkjfkafkjfkjaf alfjakfaf but it's the way Xavier does it with MC that is soooooo INDULGENT, so VERY "for you, because it's you" that makes me want to chew my keyboard and howl at the moon and every time he reassures her he won't leave I feel dread but also I want it to be true.

I know how papergames operates. I know Xavier may mean it, but I also know.... ;A;

And to think, this is all JUST THE LAUNCH STUFF! We haven't even passed chapter 8 yet lmao We don't even have all our LIs! We've (maybe?) yet to meet our antagonist? WHICH I'M EXCITED ABOUT BTW

Listen.

I have some thoughts and I'll try to keep them short (yknow, for me) because this is already long and rambly and maybe I can just expand on this later but: Sylus and Caleb are confirmed as LIs right? But are they the same person or not??????

If Sylus = Caleb it gives us a LOT of potential for exploring some really complex, grey morality. I mean, no matter what, Sylus is going to bring grey morality lol but especially if it turns out Caleb is actually secretly the leader of Onychinus, because it brings that whole "Who is this person I thought I knew?" and more so because Onychinus is poised as an enemy to the Hunter's Association.

But something Papergames has done in MLQC and I fully expect them to do here is explore grey morality, not only in Onychinus, but the Hunter's Association. Xavier's Tender Moments Garden of Secrets brings up the implication that some Wanderers are, in fact, intelligent, and while it's rare, it can occur. And with parallel world Grim Reaper Zayne having to kill people before they turn into Wanderers it begs the question of this world: can that happen here, too? And it gets into the moral conundrums. That's not to say the Hunter's Association are bad for killing Wanderers and protecting people but it starts to bring up questions, because in Grim Reaper Zayne's world, this is being covered up. What about this world? There's also the question of what is Onychinus even doing? I fully expect to find that whatever their objective is, it will be a question of the greater good and if the ends justify the means and the such.

Ultimately, an antagonist LI has to be sympathetic in some fashion, because how else are they going to write the story for them lol. Like they can certainly have Bond/Memoria/Tender Moments that are more about the combative element of their relationship meeting the chemistry that draws them to each other, but at any rate, there has to be something that draws them to each other and makes them care, right? So therefore, he can't be entirely bad, or at least MC has to be able to empathize with him and his objective, or the cause of it or something like that.

If Caleb = Sylus, that might be more achievable because of their history, but obviously that isn't a requirement, and that can also make it more complex, because again, that whole "this person I thought I knew".

I think there's a possibility for that overlap partly because we already have a LI with a history with MC - but to be fair, Zayne's history with MC is very different than Caleb's and has a different dynamic, so even if they didn't give him the villain route, it would still play out very differently and give them a significantly different enough dynamic that I don't think it would be a big issue.

If he's not Sylus, then there's still a lot of avenues to explore with Caleb. They've already implied that Caleb wants to take care of MC, wants her to lean on him and let him play that role for him, to stop being so strong in front of him, and I think that could very well affect his story and what has lead to his "death". Being in the airforce makes me wonder if it's possible that the military is associated in any way with Onychinus - after all, didn't he say that he does top secret work involving the deepspace tunnel, and isn't Onychinus interested in that? It wouldn't be the first time a government agency was written as being corrupt lol (and again there could be a lot gray morality here where Onychinus isn't necessarily inherently bad). Caleb could have gotten involved simply by his job.

There's the revenge angle, if he, too, was an experiment subject (which would make sense because why did Granny take him in as well?) and wanting to get back at? the people who experimented on them. Or wanting to be more involved? A spy case? SO many possibilities and I'm really excited to see where it all goes!

I think regardless of how Caleb is reintroduced to the story, I imagine there's going to be some kind of conflict - his "death" and then reappearance.... did he know that was going to happen? was it planned? was he involved? I don't think they'll bring him back and yay! now she has a family member back but I think there will be some kind of strife to work through, some good ol angst that really plays with the dynamic of feeling hurt and betrayed but wanting to return to the old times that can never be returned to, wanting to seek refuge in someone who maybe doesn't exist anymore, being drawn to someone you cared so much about and feeling so conflicted about it alfkjkfjkjafjkaf kj

I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!

This is such a rambling mess so kudos to anyone who made it this far. Maybe I'll manage to write some more bitesized thoughts later @___@

#Love and Deepspace #LADS Brainrot #LADS Rafayel #LADS Zayne #LADS Xavier #LADS Caleb #LADS Sylus

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obislittleone · 2 years ago

Text

What One Was Mine

Chapter 10

Summary: Locked away in a house her entire life, she always dreamed of exploring the nearby kingdom for just a day, believing it could make the rest of her days in solitude bearable. What she was unaware of, was the real reason she’d been hidden away for so long. Changes comes swift like a flying dagger when a thieving bounty hunter seeks solace in the old home.

Din Djarin Royalty!AU / Tangled!AU

Pairing: Din Djarin x Princess Kryze!Reader

A/n: it’s been a hot minute but guys pedro is trending again and I’m legit so happy over it (i had one or two bad experiences with new fans trying to gatekeep or whatever) i’m just so happy he’s getting more recognition tho bc THATS OUR PRECIOUS DAD

Warnings: oh boy kinda a lot… mentions of death, having beatings take place, several scenes with blood… there’s a flogging in the courtyard?? References to sexual themes. Uncomfortable situations fr… imprisonment and degradation. I think that’s it but remind me if i’m wrong.

The way you parted from your new fiancé was bittersweet. Bitter, because it was all too early, but sweet, knowing you would see him again every day after for as long as you should live. You snuck back to your room together, but went separate ways after you entered your doorframe. It hadn’t been for your lack of trying, though.

“Stay with me tonight,” you pleaded with those glazed brown eyes, his stare was always intense, but there was a softness to it when directed upon you. “I know the time when my handmaiden comes, I can wake you before then.”

He pondered it, of course he did. Grogu was in the royal nursery for the time being, and you were standing with your hands against his chest in a dim hallway while asking him to remain by your side through the night. The look in your eyes told him you wanted something more from him, something not so innocent as you were. He couldn’t in good consciousness give you what you desired until you were married. Though he’d never cared before, or even heeded the tradition of waiting for intimacy till marriage, he knew that the terms had now changed. You were a princess, and he was undeserving of you anyways. To steal away your virtue and risk a scandal that could ruin your name in the large and well known kingdom was not likely on his to-do list. He was going to do everything he possibly could to make sure that this was done right, starting now.

“Not tonight, Mesh’la,” he pulled you closer to his chest, kissing the top of your head as a sweet ending to the night. He knew his refusal might make you sad, but his use of an endearment spared your heart and only made it flutter in response. “I will see you tomorrow, as long a you save me a dance.”

“I can’t even think of dancing with someone else.”

He gently brought you away from his chest, using his finger and thumb to raise your chin, eyes meeting once more. You were tired, but your sleepy gaze fell on his and did not want to leave. He understood the feeling, but decided on being the one to bring it to an end. He thought it responsible, though it felt wrong to leave you this way.

“Until then,” he gathered your hand in his, noting the comparable size difference before kissing your knuckles. He never looked away from you, and that was your detriment. His magic would not soon wear off, for even in many years to come, as long as he looked at you like that, like you hung stars, moon, and sun in the sky, you’d always be putty in his hands.

“Goodnight, Din.”

He backed away, fading into the hallway, as you went into your room and shut the door behind you. You slid down the wooden blockade, arms wrapped around yourself and a lovestruck smile adorning your face. You were to be married to the love of your life, and spend an eternity together, going on adventures, doing good in the kingdom, and raising baby Grogu. Already you had a family that you cherished above anything in the worlds, surely nothing could ever go wrong.

Din was elated as well, but keeping light of foot to avoid any attention as he snuck through the halls and back to his assigned suite. It was best to keep all of this quiet until after your coronation ball, because hopefully things would be settled more firmly into stone then, and a consort marriage could be announced.

He was turning the corner to his door when all of a sudden he was ripped away by several pairs of arms. He struggled in their grasp, trying to break free, unsure of why this was happening, but the men who were clearly meant to detain him came prepared, giving a sharp hit to the side of his head, knocking him completely unconscious for them to drag down the hall and out of the palace, heading straight for the dungeons.

The morning awoke you with a shivering chill, but you relaxed into it, pulling the comforter closer to you as you waited for the hand maiden to come and bring you out of the big and luxurious bed. You’d never tire of the sleeping accommodations, although you you would admit, if you could give it up to spend another night on the forest floor wrapped in your hunter’s arms, you most definitely would.

You waited several more minutes, unsure of why the girl named Elise did not come on time like she normally did. You were beginning to be concerned, had something happened to her? Was she alright?

You threw off the sheets, throwing your feet over the side of the bed and standing, trying to find the dressing gown you usually wore in the morning while your hair and face were being attended to. It was a long and dull process and often you hated sitting through it, but you would have rather endured it this morning than be running around the room frantically, nerves on high end that someone you know may be hurt or something.

You had just found your dressing gown when suddenly the doors opened and in came the girl that usually helped attend to you. You heaved a deep sigh, greeting her with a smile.

“Elise, you hadn’t come at the normal time, I was worried something happened to you,” you chuckled over your words, shaking your head and realizing you had been ridiculous to jump to such conclusions so quickly.

“My apologies, your highness… the entire staff has been distracted this morning,” she paused, immediately resuming her work of helping you pull on the dressing gown. “There was a flogging in the castle courtyard, a new prisoner.”

You hated hearing about the mistreatment of the men and women in this kingdom. You’d heard much about the so called ‘prisoners’ they kept. Poor and hungry people who may only had stolen a roll of bread to survive, now to be tortured and held against their will for it. This was what you had wanted to change, and so far you were disappointed, because right now you were powerless to do anything. The king was harsh and unforgiving, and you wanted to stay on his good side in order to achieve your goals, but it was taking so long.

“Poor soul,” you mumbled softly, but she heard it, and as she ushered you to the vanity chair that you were used to by now, she explained further.

“Poor indeed. The staff say he was a guest in the castle, you may even know him,” she rambled on, and you shot up to a straight stance only just as you were taking a seat. You turned to her and gave wide eyes. “I didn’t mean to upset you, your highness. I speak too plainly.”

You were upset, but her speaking plainly was not the reason. You began breathing quickly, and tried to have a single coherent thought.

“What did this man look like?” Your expression made her believe you were angry, and partly you were, but also completely mortified and worried for another.

“He was quite tall, had darkish features. I didn’t get a good look at him,” she tried her best to respond to your question, but in all honestly she couldn’t understand why you were so concerned. Even if you knew this man, shouldn’t you know that the castle laws come first? That if a rule is broken against the king that it is punishable?

“No,” you shook your head, racing for the doors. Elise cried out for you to come back, to calm yourself and not get worked into a frenzy because it was bad for your complexion.

You were half dressed, not even, and considered wildly inappropriate to be walking the halls of the castle, much less leaving it and rushing out to the courtyard, where the king and a few advisors stood, accompanied by some guards who had just carried out a horrible act.

It seems they were all ready to leave, and the prisoner had already been taken away. It was very clear, however, there was still his blood that dripped down and covered the cobblestones of the area, leading up to the whipping post. The sight made you sick, but you persisted, lacking all sense of decorum as you stood straight behind the king, tugging on his cape and making him face you.

“What did you do?” Your question was nothing short of venomous as it dripped from your mouth, and king Gideon was genuinely terrified, if only for a moment. He knew that he had the numbers, and the manly bravado to overpower you if needed, but it didn’t stop him from having a second of fear.

“I have found an enemy of the kingdom and brought him to justice. I’m afraid your… companion is a very notorious thief, my dear. Not to worry, I will dispose of him for you. He shall hang at first light tomorrow.”

His smug smile, and the play of his words. You knew he was taunting you. He must have known about yours and Din’s secret relationship, otherwise this behavior was completely out of the blue and unlikely to occur. It was him, after all, who agreed to the presence of said thief in the castle along with Grogu. The child was well liked by everyone, and Gideon could not deny he found the little green fellow charming… but the hunter. The one who’d stolen your heart and bent down on one knee to enact what the king could only view as a proposal. He was no longer welcome in the home of royalty.

“Let him go,” your eyes were turning dark, and your fists were clenched so tight they almost shook from the pressure. What would you do if he should not concede? Your power had nearly fully restored itself to you, though not as strong as before, it certainly still had enough power to drop him where he stood. You hated the thought of killing someone, of taking a life and becoming something you always swore you were not, but if it meant your hunter’s life was spared, then so be it.

“I’m afraid I can’t. Though I only wish to make you happy, my princess, the law still stands, and he has broken it one too many times to be left alive.”

It was hypocrisy, all of it. He made it sound like a righteous deed, to lock away someone who has done many wrongs, but he was the one who pushed so many to commit acts of crime every day, just by keeping them starving in the streets. He bred crime then persecuted it to become a hero. He was a wolf stalking his prey, the innocent people of Mandalore, who never did anything to deserve his reign of tyranny.

“If you don’t do as I ask, I will-“

“You’ll what?” He stopped you mid sentence, only making your anger to grow. He kept that horrid and demeaning smile on his face at all times, never letting it dwindle, for his pride held strong. “You forget who’s kingdom this is, you forget your place.”

What could you even do to respond to that? How could you keep your dignity in challenging him without it ending so poorly that his blood may be spilt onto the courtyard stones? You would never use your powers to hurt anyone, you swore from your childhood that you may never allow yourself to fall that low, and yet, you were so angry, fuming and red in the face as you glared to the man in front of you. He was no king, he did not govern his people his respect and care, he ruled over them as if they were mud under his boots. He made them to fear him, his only attribute as a king was intimidation. He wasn’t a king, he was a prison keeper.

Your silence had dragged on far too long, and for that he assumed he had put you in your place, made you see things from the right perspective.

“That’s what I thought,” he spoke, beginning to walk past you, curving around your body and smirking as you stood firm on your feet, bare to the ground like they had almost always been before. “Mayfeld, see to it that she is readied for tonight, the ball is in her honor, after all.”

You winced at the mere mention of the occasion. Sickness spread through your stomach at only the thought that you could be made to attend such an event, and with a smile on your face, while the love of your life is in pain, and rotting away his last night on this forsaken earth in a prison cell. Your anger was still red hot, and flaming to the touch. Anyone who neared you need beware, but also, they may need to prepare for the oncoming stream of tears that was fast approaching. You forced yourself to hold them in until the king had re-entered the castle. There was no point in giving him the satisfaction.

The king’s advisor, Miggs Mayfeld, had spoken to you on a few occasions. He was a yes-man in anyone’s book, but you saw people differently than they were, and you could tell that there was a certain kindness in his eyes, hidden beneath hardened layers that no one could see straight away unless they were willing to take the time to peel said layers away. Even now, as he came to your side, he seemed conflicted. He stood a few feet away, not wanting to upset you further than you had been already. He seemed, for lack of a better word, afraid. But you had no intention of hurting him, nay anyone else.

“You should come with me,” he said it with his eyes to the ground, his head parallel to his feet. He sounded very empathetic, as if he’d grown used to the way the king had treated people, and was now just a bystander to anyone he dealt to, feeling their pain the same way he had all those year ago.

“No,” you stood firm, and though you understood he was just doing his job, he now seemed like the enemy. Doing the king’s bidding made him an extension of your foe, in spite of the fact that he seemed to dislike the king as much as you do, now. “Take me to the hunter.”

Your demand was left into the air, and Mayfeld nearly choked on his saliva at how boldly you delivered it. You clearly weren’t playing games, but he couldn’t afford to surpass his own orders for ones given by you. Even if you did outrank him, you had not been crowned a member of the royal family as of yet, making your commands null and void.

“I can’t, and I think you know that,” he didn’t beat around this bush anymore. He wasn’t going to waste his pleasantries on you, knowing you understood the maniacal situation at hand. “But I can take you to someone who can help. By no means are you to mention this to anyone. If you do, my head is on the line.”

He was speaking quite literally. A traitor to the king would be instantly dealt with, and would probably not make it till sunrise to see the thief and hunter hung at the gallows. You couldn’t tell why he was doing this, if maybe he’d just had enough of the mistreatment, or maybe he simply wanted someone to stand up to the king, either way, you knew his help would be vital.

You followed him in the direction of the far off east wing of the castle, which had been completely separated by a wall of pillars and turrets. If you remember correctly, this wing was home to a few lords and ladies of the kingdom, and sat right between the gates and the castle gardens. As you walked passed, you remembered the hour of the night before, the moonlit white roses, and sparkling daisies that sprung up from the earth. Beauty turned to anger and suffering since then, and you shook off the nasty feeling you had as you finally entered a doorway of the luxurious homestead.

The walls were ornate like the interior of the castle, though the ceilings were lower, and the decor was not as precise and detailed. It looked like some of the things you saw in the village, the building structures that have probably been standing for ages. This looked like true mandalorian culture, and you wondered if the king had changed the castle to look a certain way from perhaps being like this before he began his rule.

Mayfeld whispered to the guard in the hallway, whom looked at you suspiciously before returning his eyes to the man before him. He seemed like he was trying to make a decision, and waited a second or two before letting out a sigh and a nod. He rounded the corner to another room, and returned with a woman you were quite familiar with. She had been at every afternoon tea you were made to attend. She was the one with fiery red hair, and eyes that almost reminded you of your own, though hers were worn with years of sights she did not wish to see.

“Lady Bo Katan,” Mayfeld bowed shortly before closely approaching her and speaking lowly at a volume you could not hear. You waited patiently, and eventually, they both came forward. “She knows the hunter.”

Bo Katan, as formal as she may be, only took a once over of your attire, deeming it unnecessary to call any attention to the fact that you were only covered by a silk nightgown and a sheer dressing robe. You must have been in a hurry.

“If you wish to see him, you will have to wait till nightfall, after the celebration os over,” she told you, and you were about to protest, opening your mouth to argue before she held her hand up. “I’m not finished. You must also attend the party to seem as though you have forgotten the matter.”

“I can’t put on that dress and walk those floors knowing how he’s being kept. I don’t just want to see him, I want him to be free. I refuse to watch him die tomorrow.”

“I understand your haste, but may I offer you some wisdom?” The tilt of her head and slight narrowing of her eyes gave you a view into her mind for only a second, and you could tell she knew what she was saying. You nodded for her to continue. “The king has eyes and ears everywhere. If you ever want to see the hunter again, it will need to be done with discretion and planning. I have been in this court since King Gideon took over, and I plan to see him taken from his throne, but I cannot do so by rushing through and wreaking havoc. You understand?”

Something didn’t add up, something about her seemed off… in a familiar way.

“Why would you be willing to wait so long for something that may never happen?” Your question gave her a look of sheer confusion. Were you missing something? Had you somehow dozed off in one of the days before when they were explaining anything about everything to you?

“You really don’t know��” her voice seemed to pity you, but only for your lack of information. She turned to Mayfeld, who was partially listening by now, then back to you, still stunned. “I am Bo Katan Kryze. I’m your sister.”

No…

You weren’t eager to quickly accept this fact, as you had certainly forgotten you even had a remaining sister left alive. Satine Kryze, and the younger, Bo Katan Kryze. Your flesh and blood, never known to you until this very moment.

“You…” the words were short from your mouth, as you failed to gather them as you started to speak. You couldn’t gather a single coherent thought, and though it made sense as to why, you tried to reason with your own mind and say something. “You’re the rightful heir.”

“I was once, but I squandered my chances. I was too young to understand the consequences of my actions, and I lost the throne in a foolish match with a stranger to Mandalore. My decisions were my own, and it is because of them that Gideon is King,” she explained it to you, and you began to understand the weight and severity of this rule’s history. It was… won? How can you win the throne? “I cannot challenge him again on terms of a deal I made in my surrender.”

The air in the room was thick as her words came to an end, and she turned to the King’s advisor to make sure he knew his place, and would not spill any of this to the King to earn favor. Of course, the history of the battle was to remain a hushed topic, and everyone new this, but the one person who could oversee any punishment in the rules being broken was not present, so speak of it they would, right in front of you no doubt. You thought about it for a minute. Surely you were powerful enough to defeat Gideon in a battle. Your powers could possibly end him on sight if it was necessary. The only obstacle would be the challenge itself.

“I could challenge the King,” you spoke assuredly of yourself, earning two heads snapped with immediate haste upon hearing something they deemed so halfwitted.

“You are no warrior, believe me, the King is more spry and capable than he looks.”

You should not blame either of them for seeing you as a stupid girl, only an innocent child of which knew nothing she spoke of, and shook off their complete and utter disapproval of your idea at first.

“I am capable as well,” you told them, and with the audacity and nerve that he had, Advisor Mayfeld scoffed at you, shaking his head and placing his hands on his hips. He was not having any of your foolish notions. “I can prove it.”

You rose your hand from your side, eyes finding the perfect subject for your demonstration. There was quite an ugly looking vase that caught your vision when you were walking in. It did not match the rest of the authentic Mandalorian decor surrounding, it looked like something that would probably be kept in the main castle, along with all the other gaudy and dramatic looking objects. You lifted it high into the air, bringing it towards you while their backs were still turned, but they spun around quickly when sensing some sort of energy passing between them from you and something behind.

You didn’t get to see their looks of astonishment when they realized just exactly what you were doing, but the gasps followed by long silence was enough for you to know that they had been captivated by your show of power. You flung your wrist, sending the vase into the opposite wall across the room, the shattering sound of the glass echoed, and Mayfeld jumped slightly on impact.

“I know it’s not going to be a conventional fight, but I believe that-“ the wind was swiftly knocked out of you as you were pushed harshly against the wall by Mayfeld, a dagger to your throat as your stared at him with wide eyes.

“She’s a witch!” Mayfeld was not letting up, and though the powers bestowed upon her little sister were momentarily frightening, Bo Katan saw this act as madness, pulling him from you as fast as she could.

“You will do well to keep your hands off of her,” she demanded, and you realized now that this had been yet your second encounter with someone claiming you were a witch.

“Her powers are like that of the shadow keepers, she doesn’t belong here, in a castle,” he glared back at you, but the effect didn’t travel as far as it should have since you were still gasping for your breath. “She must be from the dark forrest.”

“That’s enough,” Bo was sick of hearing the miscreant speak any further. “You are still under my authority, or do you forget?”

His stern eyeline had finally shifted away from you and onto her, but you still felt the adrenaline of his stare weighing from when it had been firmly on your being.

“You will not speak a word of any of this to the King, or anyone else for that matter. What you have seen stays inside these walls, do you understand?”

He didn’t like the king, hated him even. He never had a problem with going behind his back before, but now? Well, this had gone farther than what he had known. The girl who claimed to be the rightful heir, but does not overtake the king for his throne, shown up after being missing and assumed dead for eighteen years, now suddenly reveals the power she has been hiding all along. It was something out of a fairytale and he could hardly believe it. Surely, the king would praise him, reward him even, for letting him in on the little secret that could pose a threat to him remaining the ruler of this kingdom…. But he didn’t care about the rewards, and he didn’t care about being praised, not by Gideon at least. You were the first real contender to dethrone him in years, and he would not pass up the opportunity to see that two-faced dictator get what he deserved, not even if it meant siding with a witch.

“I do.”

His nod and heave of a long, deep sigh meant he was not only in agreement with her commands, but he was approving of the plan to let you challenge the king.

“It’s settled, then,” Bo turned back to you, looking you up and down once again, now seeing something far different from that of when you entered her home. “Gideon will be challenged at the ball tonight, but we have to make sure nothing is out of place or suspected until then.”

You looked at your apparel, and knew instantly that it was not in your best interest to remain in this dressing gown until tonight’s event.

“I suppose I should start getting ready.”

You put on a brave face, though it was hard, and your mind kept traveling back to the plan. The very reason it was being enacted still held against his will in a prison cell amongst the other poor thieves and said ‘criminals’ in the dungeon. He was not innocent, perse, but he was not a bad man, and did not deserve to be killed at morning light like everyone was planning. You wanted so badly to sit with him, to hold him close to you and let him know that you weren’t going to stand for this, that you would save him at any cost. You wanted to take his hands in your own and convey to him all the love you held that would not so easily be diminished by simple threats.

The ball had already begun, and your ladies in waiting were surrounding you, putting the final touches onto your dress and hair, lacing your feet with the most glorious shoes that you’d rather do without. You watched out of the window, looking down at all the people arriving to the grand hall of the castle, seeming like Lords and Ladies and Dukes and Duchesses. Only those of high importance and stature, you could imagine.

“It will be time, soon,” Bo Katan was dressed very elegantly, in the classic Kryze family colors of blue and white. She came around your seat to stand in front of you, hoping to see a face of determination, but instead she found one of worry and nerve. “You won’t back out?”

You couldn’t lie, it scared you to think that in front of all these people, pouring into the ballroom right this minute, you would humiliate the King by offering a duel that could dethrone him. It was a bad move, but he was a coward, and if done in secrecy, he would decline, and have you and your hunter killed. If done in front of a multitude, with many eyes to not only hear of the duel, but to possibly see it with their own eyes? He may have been a coward, but he was far more prideful than he was filled with fear. It was risky, it was practically insane, but you would go through with it.

“I won’t, I swear it. I can’t leave him there,” you had revealed your motivation to her quite early, of course you had… and she understood. She once had a love that she would do anything for, but unfortunately death was an untimely thing, and it happened to like picking and choosing it’s victims. You though? You had the ability to play a hand against death, and you would take the opportunity every single time.

“This hunter of yours, what has he done to be imprisoned?”

“Other than being caught with me?” You spewed that part with annoyance, sure that she understood the weight of responsibility you felt for part of this. “He was the thief who stole the darksaber. I’ve heard some strange stories circulate around since I’ve lived here, but the truth of the matter is that it was in his possession for the entire duration of it being missing, or rather… mine. I would know, that’s how I met him.”

“You were his accomplice?” Her eyebrows furrowed, and she tried to stop from cracking a smile, because the sound of it was utter nonsense. You were a little ray of sunshine, a rainbow in the dark, and a silver moon amongst dark skies. You who giggled like a sweet child in the halls after tea with the king and advisors, and read fantasy books with happy endings that were unreal to life… There was no way you were in on a job with a notorious thief and hunter.

“Not precisely, no. He stumbled into my home after stealing it, and I hid it from him to make a trade. I didn’t know what it was, though it felt oddly familiar.”

“It’s apart of your bloodline, it belongs to you.” She placed a hand on your shoulder, turning you away from the window to look into the mirror. You wouldn’t deny you looked rather beautiful. You fit the role of a princess, and now you could play the part with confidence. The emerald green was adorning you so well, and you doubted there was a spot on you that was out of place. It came together so well, but there was only one person you wished to see you looking like this. Perhaps he would, by the end of the night when this all was over.

“It will be mine again, whatever the cost.”

The ball was so elegant, the decorations were stunning and the aura around the halls was nearly perfect, with lit candles near every sconce and nook there was. The beautiful dark green drapes and vines around the scene matched your dress perfectly, and though you hadn’t yet made your first appearance, everyone was having a wonderful time. All except you it would seem.

Your small band of secret alliances was hidden in the upstairs sitting room nearest to the grand staircase, which would have to be ascended any moment.

“Can you see him?” You were sat on a chair, looking to Mayfeld who had been overseeing the actions of the King as he strutted around, greeting his guests and the nobility as they entered the elaborate ballroom.

“He’s still moving, he hasn’t stopped.”

Lady Bo Katan was already in the shuffle, as she was trying to make sure there were no other intercepting forces on the ground that could possibly interfere with the plan. It would be madly simple as long as everything went correctly, and it had thus far.

You were to enter the ball, being welcomed as the Lost Princess of Mandalore. After any greetings with surrounding comers you would be expected to dance with the King as per his request. Once the King felt secure in your actions, then the switch would flip, and you would command the attention of everyone in the hall to your announcement. The challenge to the throne would be set in stone, and there would be too many witnesses for him to deny it. If all went well, the duel would take place at first light, and the hanging of your hunter would be postponed until the battle was over. You would win against the King, of that you were sure. He may have known about your powers, but not to the extent of what they are really capable of. The people who’d hidden you away as a baby were right to fear your power, but not because of the harm it may bring. Instead they should have ben more aware of your will to save whom you love through that power.

“When is he going to call me down?” You wondered, muttering it halfway under your breath as a thought spoken aloud.

“Now,” he said, taking two steps towards you to give you a hand up from your seat. What a contrast to his earlier behavior of slamming you against a wall in accusation. “He’s just signaled for you.”

“Now?”

Though you’d waited almost an hour, it felt too fast all of a sudden. If only you’d been focussing on calming your nerves rather than thinking about the plan, for it had been completely engraved into your mind by now, and there was no chance you would forget it.

“C’mon, your highness,” he guided you to the top of the stairs, and immediately every head was turned and gasps could be heard from below. The whispers were rowdy, yet still discrete, and the soft string music playing gave a small sense of safety when you looked out over the crowd. “Knock em’ dead.”

You pulled your shoulders back, pasting a fake smile to your face that spread across your cheeks and made you look happy to anyone who couldn’t see the pain in your eyes, for having to act this way under the circumstances being what they were. Ascending the steps was the least of your worries, and yet your heart raced over the possibility of falling. R

“The Princess Kryze has returned!” And the moment it was announced, you reached the bottom, bowing nearly to the floor in order to impress the many guests. Given the eruption of applause when you stood, you deemed your performance rather well done.

King Gideon met you in the center of the room, where a circle had formed to surround you both. His smug smile made you want to hurl out whatever contents were left in your stomach. It wouldn’t be much, considering you nearly refused to eat while thinking about the conditions Din was probably having to survive under.

“You are absolutely ravishing, my dear princess.”

“It took a while to achieve, but I’m glad my appearance is to your liking,” though it was said with as much enthusiasm as you could muster, the words held much disdain in your mind. You were truly only a trophy to him, a prize to look upon and enjoy when he means to. Had anything else never occurred, you’d still hate his being more than anything. He held nothing but darkness in his heart, and would never have been a partner worth even settling for. You’d rather spend the rest of your days as a poor town’s maiden with Din, as opposed to living a life full of luxury and riches with Gideon.

“Since you look so angelic in this splendid work of a dress, it would be a shame if the guests were unable to see it move how it was designed to,” a horrid way of asking you to dance, but you supposed you weren’t expecting anything from him at this point. You only smiled wide when he stuck his hand out to you. “Shall we?”

“Of course,” you responded, taking the outstretched appendage and allowing him to pull you closer. The discomfort ran through your veins, it was so thick and made your heart race and stomach turn. The second his hand fell to your mid back, you nearly felt ill, but kept on in knowing who all of this was for.

The music got louder, and other instruments joined in to form the smooth melody of a waltz. A dance you were expected to fail at by many of the King’s friends. He was the one who had told them so, but he knew better, now. He’d seen you dance with your thief, and you were quite the artist of movement. You flowed like a river through a forrest in the spring. Every movement was well done and meticulously thought out. You’d been practicing with Mayfeld earlier under the scrutiny of Bo Katan, and though it was helpful to rehearse some actual steps, it was much more premeditated than your midnight waltz with Din. With him it was so natural, it was so easy.

Your form was impeccable, even the onlookers thought so. You looked heavenly, quite like a dream. All an act, and it was moving along perfectly.

You had expected to finish the dance without another interaction, however, the King Gideon had other plans.

“You seem to be in a far better mood than this morning,” he said in a mocking tone. He must have felt you tense up for a moment, as his grip on you tightened.

“I suppose I was delirious from the early hours,” your lie was told poorly, and though he might have been swayed by your earlier attempts to make him believe you were in fact happy, your tone drove him to think you were only acting a part. “But you mustn’t mind my behavior.”

He chuckled, looking back at you and spinning you around once before continuing his antics.

“If we’re done playing pretend, I have a deal to offer you.”

Your eyes widened momentarily, and you had to compose yourself as to not give anything else away. This wasn’t part of the plan. He wasn’t supposed to offer you anything… but what if this deal is the difference between winning and losing a battle?

“I’m listening,” you encouraged, keeping up with the rhythm of the steady music that droned on still. You looked out to the crowd and caught Bo Katan’s face, staring on in hope that whatever you spoke of would not hinder anything.

“I believe it comes as no surprise to you that I wish to seek your hand in marriage, for both the good of the Kingdom and myself,” he spoke so assuredly. Whatever he had in mind for this so called deal wasn’t looking to be the better option so far. “But knowing what I do about yourself and the thief, I understand you would always resent me and perhaps look for ways to sabotage my rule if I simply took you as my bride.”

“Get to the point,” you spoke with no aggression, nor any emotion, as you couldn’t let it show on your face what you were feeling.

“If you shall agree to be my Queen, and unite all of Mandalore… I shall set free the prisoner Din Djarin and allow him an exile from the kingdom.”

You froze, your entire body refusing to finish the dance as it backed away from him. He in turn did the same, making it look as though the dance was over, and bowing to you. You thought quickly on your feet and did the same. The crowd again erupted into a fit of clapping and cheering, not rambunctiously, but just as the sort who have been entertained well. Unneeded to say they were well on their way to adoring the Princess Kryze, just as they always have while you were missing.

“Think about it. You have until midnight to decide,” he finished, grabbing your hand once more and placing a kiss to your knuckles before disappearing back into the crowd among his invited guests. They had all taken the dance floor by now, and you had to take several deep breaths before emerging from the scene to find your accomplices.

You spotted the lovely mane of firey hair, going straight to her and getting her attention. She turned around and saw your fearsome expression and spoke no words before pulling you by the hand to a crevice that no one could find you.

“What happened?” She rushed out. Looking over you, every limb shaking like a leaf yet nearly sweating profusely, it wasn’t hard to tell something went wrong.

“He offered me a deal.”

“No, whatever it is, you cannot accept,” she cut off any other words you may have about the matter, as apparently the contents of said deal were of no priority. “Anything he has to offer you will soon be yours anyway.”

“He offered Din’s freedom in exchange for my hand,” you told her, and she felt she needed to slow down and assess more of this interaction before making anymore rash decisions on your behalf. “If I challenge him tonight, he still has the authority to kill Din by sunrise. If I take the deal, I can challenge him once I know my hunter is safe.”

It was risky. The plan as it were had no flaws in Bo Katan’s eyes. All she wanted to see was the King Gideon slain and his rule to end… but she knew how love could complicate things. To you, the life of a thief was more important than the details of overthrowing the King. She once knew love like that, and it had been lost. Though bitter in her feelings over the subject, she couldn’t stop you from saving the one you love, because she wishes she could have done the same if she had been given that chance.

“You’re sure you want to do this? You know what it will cost you if anything goes wrong?”

“I want him safe, I don’t care what it costs me,” you assured her. With a heavy sigh, she nodded, understanding your fervor for protecting that which is close to you.

“Alright,” she agreed, but stopped you from turning and leaving just yet. “Do not let the King know of your decision until we’ve made new plans. Find a way to meet me out in the gardens, make sure no one sees you leave.”

“Are you going to tell Mayfeld?”

“I will, but for now, just do as I’ve said.”

And with that she was off, vanishing into the pool of bodies that was the dance floor. She was not one or dancing, or anything romantic like that, but she would admit it often gave a good distraction to those she did not want aware of her schemes.

You had found a way to sneak through a hall, and around to a hidden staircase that was usually only used for staff. There, you made your way to your room, and once you felt you could let your guard down, you finally let go of the deep breath you’d been holding. You wrapped a thick black cloak oar your shoulders, making sure the hood was flipped up before you left the room. There was no one in the upper rooms right now as it were, for the entirety of the castle’s population could be found in the ballroom.

It was much easier to get to the courtyard in the disguise you donned, as the black fabric made you near invisible to the guards watching from the towers. You crossed the rough gravel into the gardens, hidden now by the large trees and voluminous plant life around you. You only waited for about two minutes before Bo Katan and Mayfeld snuck into the shadows along with you. All the under cover activity should have felt exciting to you, as it was new and daring… but there was too much on the line. A life you could not afford to lose hung in the balance.

“What’s the plan?” You whispered to Bo, but she held her hand out. Your eagerness was sometimes your downfall, but it was a lucky thing you didn’t have to depend on yourself in this mess.

“Come with us,” she said in a hushed tone, but still commanding enough for you not to question where you were about to follow them to.

Mayfeld held a set of keys upon his belt that you didn’t recognize from earlier, and since you were still on the subject of accepting Gideon’s proposal, your mind did not put the pieces together as to what your mystery destination might be.

When you entered the cavernous looking establishment, the smell of old moss and water build up were rather strong, and you wondered what kind of place this might be that it could be infested with the things it was scented with.

Mayfeld lit a lantern on the wall once you were far enough inside not to be seen. It was only now that you saw your surroundings. You were in the castle dungeon. The other inmates looked to be fast asleep by now, some lounging on top of one another is a haze of exhaustion. You passed by a cell that held two familiar faces, though they were also unconscious in the corner of the area. Ran and Xi’an, Din’s old partners, the ones who tried to betray him and take you. Serves them right for ending up where they were.

You followed Mayfeld to the end of the row, where a rough wooden blockading door stood closed. Mayfeld took the keys from his belt and unlocked the door, entering first and holding his hand out for you both to wait. You understood who was inside, and you wanted nothing more than to go in, but for the sake of any plans that would be hatched, you remained standing as you were.

Mayfeld emerged from the room with a solemn look on his face, but he nodded to you anyways, and stepped aside.

You wasted no time in trampling over your skirt layers to get through the doorway. You could barely see by the lantern light from the hallway, but you felt around until you collided with a familiar body.

“Din?” You reached out and placed a hand on his chest, feeling the tattered shirt beneath your fingertips. He took you in his arms in a moment, hugging you close to his body and tucking himself around your form like a sheet to a mattress.

“It’s me, mesh’la.”

You nearly cried, just feeling him around you gave you an overwhelming sense of peace that you hadn’t possessed for the entirety of the day until now.

You tried snaking your arms around to his back, but his harsh wince along with a jolt of his body away made you uneasy again. You barely found his face in the dark, seeing those dark brown irises staring you down under the soft orange glow.

“What have they done to you?” Your tear filled eyes were about to overflow. What horrible treatment had he endured while you were embraced with luxuries the whole day through?

“Nothing I can’t handle,” he tried to calm your worries over him, for they were trivial in comparison to his worries over you. The king could break every bone in his body, make him writhe in pain and peel the skin from his bones and he would endure it all with a sly look upon his face… but if anyone dared touch you or the child, he became a danger to all forces opposed.

“I can help,” you pleaded with furrowed brows and teary eyes. You hand’t yet tested this aspect of your powers since the incident, but you’d like to bet the need for his healing would be enough motivation to instantly muster your strength again.

You reached for the bottom of his shirt and pulled it off with his help, feeling the torn edges from when he’d been tossed around and likely beaten senseless. It was the first time you’d seen his bare skin like this before, and given that the light continued to get brighter the longer your eyes adjusted, you could see the expanse of his broad chest and torso in it’s entirety. You blinked twice to refocus and snap back to reality, seeing over his shoulder the red lines of broken skin.

Coming closer to him again, you wrapped your arms around his body gently, placing your palms on his back. His wince was the last bit of incentive you needed to concentrate your energy on healing him. He sunk into your hold, reciprocating it while he felt the warm spread of your powers beginning to take his pain away. This was perhaps the worst wound you had ever healed, and it was going to take a toll on you physically, but you pushed that thought to the back of your mind. You would do whatever it took to bear his pain for him, especially since he carried it because of you in the first place. Your knees grew weak, and he had to catch you before you fell to the ground. He held you steady, whispering his thanks in your ear until you were able to stand on your own.

“I hate to interrupt, but we’re running out of time,” Mayfeld came through the doorway again, a full lit torch in his hand to shine more light on the scene. Once Bo entered the cell, all were now congregated, and the planning could commence. “I suspect the King has already noticed your absence, it won’t be long before he’s unable to find us as well.”

“She’s come to tell you something, hunter,” Bo gestured to you and him, barely broken apart since they both came into the room. She wanted the plan to resume as they originally hoped it would, and she had a feeling it might, if the man they came to see had anything to say about it.

“Come to tell me what?” He looked to you with confusion, surely you hadn’t found him a way out so fast. Tonight was the night of the grand ball, and if your appearance was any indication, you’d been attending until now.

You didn’t want to tell him, because it would be too hard to actually say goodbye. You’d much rather had just accepted the deal and let him go knowing you saved him. Now, he stood before you, looking so deeply into your eyes you could cry. How were you supposed to send him away knowing you’d never get to see those eyes again.

“The king has offered me a deal,” you tried to avoid his stare as you prepared to let him in on the contents. “The terms being that, if I marry him, you go free.”

His expression dropped, and he shook his head rapidly a took another step closer to you.

“No, you can’t do this,” he protested, and you wanted to interject, but he was far from done speaking. He took your face in his hands, ensuring that you were truly listening to every word. “I would rather die tomorrow knowing you had the freedom to leave than live, and always know you’d have signed yourself away for my sake.”

Bo Katan wanted you to listen to him, to understand that he hated the terms and wouldn’t want you to go through with it. She needed you to know there were no other options.

“Din, you’d be safe. I can’t let you die.”

His heart broke when your voice did, the last of your words falling off into a sad whisper that matched the tears in your eyes.

“I love you,” he said, touching his forehead to yours for a moment and then looking to Bo Katan, whom stood behind you in waiting for the interaction to close. “And I can’t let you do this.”

“What do you suggest she does?” Bo hoped that his answer could coincide with the plan, but even if it didn’t, she was happy to know that his reaction to the news had been what she was anticipating.

He took a deep breath in and focused again on your features, the way they were softly lit by the fire light. They had painted your face like they’d been doing for weeks, but with the softer elements and colors to match your aura for the evening, he couldn’t help but admit you were enchanting. His beautiful girl, the one he’d done all of this for in the first place. No doubt about it, you were the cause for the mess… but he’d do it over and again, one hundred times.

“Run.” It was said with a lonesome sadness, but he meant it. “Take the kid, and get far away from here.”

You shook your head, but he wasn’t going to stop. He only wanted you to be free, after all your years of being kept prisoner, you deserved to be uncaged. Marrying the King would only make you his slave.

“We’re out of time,” Mayfeld said, he and Bo Katan trying to usher you away from the cell. You let yourself be pulled away, seeing Din stand still in the middle of the stone floor. He didn’t want you to go, but if the King found out you were gone with his biggest conspirators, you would be in more trouble than he currently was.

Once the door was closed and locked, the three of you began to book it through the long cell block. You dropped your head to hide from them your tears, knowing that they were probably far stronger with hiding their emotions, and might think you to be weak should you expose them.

Din wouldn’t leave you even if they forced him to. There was only one other option that prevented him from being hanged. You froze in your tracks and closed your eyes, feeling the energy around you, making you gain a courage that you wouldn’t have had before. Seeing Din, in the position he was in, under the roof of the castle dungeon and skin split by violence… it angered you, it lit a flame in your spirit, a passion to do right by him whatever means necessary. More than anything, you wanted him to be free, and free by your side. He’d asked you to marry him, and you intended to keep to your word of doing so.

“Are you alright?” Bo asked, upon noticing you fell behind a few steps.

“I’m fine,” you spoke with a newfound tone, one that was straight forward and firm. It was so different from the unsure voice you’d held only moments ago.

You marched on past them and into the staff entrance of the castle. You used a window reflection to remake your appearance, to hide the fact you’d been crying and to fix the disheveled hair that had sat under your cloak, which was the next thing you ride yourself of.

You gathered your skirt, running through the marble halls and finding the ballroom to be completely full of people dancing, laughing, and having a ball. You spotted him in the crowd, King Gideon. He was talking amongst some allies until he caught your gaze from across the floor. He quickly excused himself and made a beeline to where you stood, straight and tall like a firmly planted tree.

“I had wondered where you disappeared to,” he spoke everything with a smile, whether it was genuine or fake, you didn’t care enough to know, but it was spread across his smug face nonetheless.

“I took some time to think about your offer… and I know what I have to do,” you said sincerely. He smirked, feeling as though he had won. His nod of approval meant you had him where you wanted him. “If you’d allow me to, I’d like to make the announcement myself.”

The dark chuckle he responded with sent chills down your spine, and the shiver that glided over your skin was another unwelcome reaction to the man’s devilish grin. He held his hand to the small of your back, seemingly guiding you towards the elevated platform by the stairs.

“I would love nothing more, my queen,” he raised your hand to his lips and did as he had done earlier, pressing a sloppy kiss to your knuckles. It felt dirty, to let him keep doing that.

Now standing where everyone could see, Gideon commanded the attention of the room, allowing them to face you for your announcement of what he presumed to be your engagement to him. The man was too prideful for his own good, which is why this plan would work so perfectly.

“As the princess of Mandalore, I’d like to thank you all for celebrating with me this evening,” a few glasses were raised as if this were to be a toast in someone’s honor. You heaved a breath before continuing. “This Kingdom has known division for too long, and I believe it is up to me to change the way things have been.” Even King Gideon was pleased with your choice of words. He was almost happy to be standing beside you while making this announcement, but he was about to turn a one eighty in only a moment. “The time has come for Mandalore to begin a new chapter, under a new rule.”

The applause was loud, and the King was impressed, but the final words had not yet been spoken…

“I hereby challenge the faux King Gideon to a duel,” and right then, the gasps of the crowd were all around. The audience had been involved. There were too many witnesses for him to refuse, too many to simply kill you behind closed doors. He froze in place beside you, unsure what to do or where to go. “As per tradition of this nation, the battle will be to the death, and the victor will claim the throne of Mandalore once and for all.”

Your speech was spoken at a volume you’d never dared to speak before. This confidence running through your veins was not yet done, and with it you turned to face Gideon, a smirk on your face now, and a fearsome look on his. Oh, how the tables have turned.

“I shall see you at dawn, my king.”

The mockery was lear in your voice, but he had nothing to say in response. As a last stitch effort to make a fool out of him, you bowed low to the ground in his honor. You turned and left up the stairway, and that was the last he’d seen of you for the night.

Tags: @i-ameri-cant @littlemisspascal @fanfics-toread @icanbeyourjedi@castleallherown @mysticalgalaxysalad @princess-prettyy @67impalagirl13 @agingerindenial @childrenofthewatch@insomniac-nerd-posts-things @marjoherbo @juletheghoul-main@tiredbuthappy @themand0lorian @janebby @goldielocks2004@yuiopiklmn @oh-no-who-am-i @appleejuice @luxmundee @belovedadam @seninjakitey @harriedandharassed

#din djarin #din djarin x princess!reader #din djarin x jedi!reader #din djarin x reader #din djarin smut #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian au #din djarin royalty!au #the mandalorian

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arthuluart · 5 months ago

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Hiii - wanted to say first thing first I love your art style, it's so dynamic and fun and those color palettes? Stunning ^^

And second thing second, just some food for thought if you ever want to get angsty about Jerry and Dean, coffee by Chappell Roan sounds like it was written about their break up specifically and I can't stop thinking abt it dndnden

*Cue me losing my mind*

Hiii- they say flattery gets you everywhere and turns out with me, it gets you animatics- jkjk but I do appreciate the kind comments ^^

I’ll put up the animatic separately and take the opportunity to leave the preamble here to keep the video post neat bc until someone tells me to shut up and just post art- I’m gonna ramble… So here’s the commentary you didn’t ask for along with my favourite panels:

First off- You turned me into a big time Chappell Roan listener which is great bc I need music recs to fix my listening habits before Spotify wrapped drops. My roundup last year was shameful… Red Wine Supernova is my new dish washing song.

Even tho it’s not the song’s vibe I kept the content as silly as I could for my own sanity. I don’t love getting too deep into the serious/sad side of M+L for a few reasons but I do find it all very interesting. Point being this song was too good to pass up doing something a bit bigger for.

Ngl tho- this did have me pulling out hair at multiple points. I never colour animatics, rarely even tone them- but you mentioned colour palettes and I was determined to deliver so pardon the messy colouring but (that was the tradeoff) I did not have it in me to stay in the lines. I’m choosing to be kind to myself and opt to call it an artistic choice and not midway burnout. And nothing was gonna get me to open after effects/premiere not even the janky ass golf ball OML this only makes sense if u watch the video.

There are parts of this I’m SO happy with and others I hate. I think it’s really obvious which sections I started losing steam on but overall I lowkey like the end product. Nothing I make will ever be good/perfect- this was one hell of a practice in accepting that lmao- but I can still be ok with the work problems and all yknow? I very nearly shelved this completely bc I got so worked up about the maybe 5 panels I dislike out of 106 total. Counting them was eye opening to ask myself: you’re gonna let that small a ratio stop you from sharing this after putting in days and days of effort? The insecurity goes deep and TBH getting asks has been a nice way of working through it since I post the art I make for answers no matter what only bc I KNOW someone out there wants to see it. It might not sound it but it’s actually quite positive.

Also, although I feel I’ve done my fair share of reading, I’m no expert. So if anything is really off point- sorry my bad (I won’t fix it tho bc I cannot physically stand to look at this another second lol)

I tried to stick to real things found in articles/books/photos/interviews etc bc outside of obviously fictional AUs I’m not super into making stuff up about them (and who needs to I mean the legit stuff is already insane enough) Sure I framed the events in specific ways to suit the song and some aspects are fictionalized (mainly bc the referenced written accounts lacked detail to draw 100% faithfully from anyhow) but otherwise I got my sources cited.

ANYWAYS… sorry for hijacking this answer I need to learn to chill out. Irl I’m a pretty reserved talker so you can tell I’m in a comfy place when I let loose and blather on endlessly lmao brevity is not a skill I possess.

You were probably expecting illustrations or smth but I hope what I came up with is still somewhat alright AND please don’t let my complaining fool you, I genuinely loved making this.

One FINAL Relevant Note: the line “nowhere else is safe every place leads back to your place” is gut wrenching. You’re so right about this song perfectly describing the break up. They always came back to each other and there’s something so devastating about that kind of haunting human connection.

OkAY I’m done promise- I thought I’d implode if I didn’t get all that out

#martin and lewis #ask

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lover-of-mine · 10 months ago

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Is it weird that when I read The coming out storyline was suppose to be for Eddie, I just got extremely pissed. Like... we finally could have had a good storyline for eddie after seasons of basically nothing and half-assed stuff. Only for it to go to Buck, a character that always has a front-centered storyline. It just bothers me. It wouldnt have killed the show to have just kept Buck on the downlow for a season. But no he gets the storyline, that even tim agrees made more sense for Eddie and Eddie gets whatever the f*ck is happening with Marisol that is just the a non-storyline really. I don't know. It just pissed me off. Maybe Eddie will finally get his due in Season 8, but with the history of this show, I'm questioning and doubting everything when it comes to Eddie. The character deserves better. Ryan deserves better. I'm happy for Buck fans and for Oliver who clear thought Buck was Bi too, but this is just shitty for Eddie fans, cause we're stuck with another bland girlfriend (A homophobic actress at that) and no guarantee that Eddie will every get a storyline like this, if ABC says no. Not to mention a lack of prospect for an actual good season long arc for Eddie if this is already Tim's idea of good writing for him. I just need to vent somewhere, and maybe you understand some of what I am feeling. Bottom line I guess, I'm just tired as Eddie fan of getting the short end of the stick on this show. But maybe I need to have more faith in everything.

Baby really, I think you're super valid for feeling like this, really, I love Buck, I do, but it does get annoying to watch him get yet another huge arc, even more with the amount of focus there was on him last season too. And to hear this storyline was studied to be about Eddie did make me feel some time of way. Especially considering Eddie has yet another girlfriend he didn't want to get he's moving too fast with that adds nothing to the plot because I still don't know anything about Marisol besides the fact that she has a brother, she owns a house, she was a nun (?????) and the actress playing her is a homophobe. I am choosing to believe they decided being grabbed and kissed wasn't the best way to spark the revelation for Eddie and that there is some plan because I don't see how they would greenlight Buck being bi and not buddie going canon and that we are going to see Eddie get his own queer arc. Maybe it will annoy you a bit too because so far I keep seeing this being sparked by Buck and Tommy, so his arc would be attached to Buck in some way, but I think we are getting there with the both of them. The fact that there was conversation about how to make Eddie queer, means they are thinking about how to make Eddie queer, so the idea is there, they could turn into it at any time. I do so so so feel you on the Eddie not getting a season arc, I think I could've enjoyed the catholic guilt angle, because honestly, that's a huge opening to see what else that guilt might be making Eddie do, if it wasn't for the Edy of it all. The focus on saying Eddie is still chasing Shannon, and a mother for Chris, and thinking about who it would be expected for him to date aka a nice latina woman, not someone he actually wants to be with also gives me some hope they realized they have my boy trapped in a closet made of glass. Again, they didn't have to take the "I'm having erectile dysfunction at the thought of having sex with my girlfriend" route, like, that's straight up the gayest thing they could've done to that man and they legit had him have panic attacks about dating a woman, like, who even thought of that? And he could be on his way to learn more about himself considering the "learning his place in the world" comment, he could be about to do some exploring and we could get some satisfying payoff here. I'm hoping for it. Praying and manifesting for it. But Ryan has been too giddy about this season for me to believe nothing is gonna happen for Eddie, yk? So, maybe, we should just keep the faith I guess. But, you're not alone in your feelings, and they're super valid, it is upsetting.

#im choosing to believe they have a better plan on how to make him queer #for my own piece of mind mostly #911 #911 spoilers #i really need a tag for asks #anon 😌

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lipglossanon · 1 year ago

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that reader getting kicked out and Leon picks her up ask gave me an idea (oh boy 🫣 i am a slut for plot though 🤭),,,,,, Leon goes back to the house he shared with your mom and ignores her, deadpan- cold stare just walks straight into his office and makes a few calls. you’re kept in the hotel for a few days until your mom calls, you can come back home? yep, your dad got into a Mysterious™️ accident and mom is going to visit him if you wanted to go too. your relationship with your dad wasn’t the best and you weren’t sure you could suffer through the mini trip with your mom after everything so you say no but if he gets worse you’ll visit him so you and Leon stay back. while on the trip you heard a heated phone call between your mom and Leon where she confesses she still has feelings for readers dad brought back up by the accident so Leon hangs up and spends the night digging up ~so much~ dirt on your parents. he files divorce papers while your mothers away and gets a good word in with a few people to convince 😉 your mother to give him legal guardianship over you because “your parents wouldn’t be a good fit to raise you” you heard him say while on the phone with someone else and with your dad partially out of the picture or at least being dependent on your mother here on out means Leon doesn’t have anyone else to worry about because your moms done in his mind. so like no dead parents no looming possibility of the police showing up or a guilty conscience (Leon has one? 🤔🤭) just everyone completely out of the picture ~legally~ and of course he talked to you about it as well and the last thing you wanted was to go back to living with both of your parents i mean, they got divorced for a reason and then it’d be like sweet stepdad Leon situation

- 💀

(i didn’t forget the note <3 imagine stepdaddy leon shirtless with his dog tags on in short shorts, like 80s slasher movie shorts and we all know this man uses thoughts and prayers to keep his dick in one pant leg on a good day and i feel like we all know it’s longer than the hem of the shorts he’s wearing especially if he’s hard 🤭)

💀 anon that’s like a legit means to keep everything together and you with him! 🫣 I might have to rethink on my murderdeathkill of the mom 🤔 but we’ll see. I like dark stepdad to be crazy enough to murder for us😌 🤭

AGSJSL that note’s such a wonderful addition 🥵 and like the shorts are those windbreaker type material (I can’t remember the name lmao) so they’re super flexible. You see him wearing them and can see his dickprint cause I mean he’s packing 🤭 and you just get on your knees for him and he’s already getting hard so the head peeks out from the short leg and you’re already kissing and licking the tip by the time he’s hard enough to shift the fabric up so you can suck more 😵‍💫

#ask box #💀 anon #lipglossanon #lipglossanswers #dark stepdad!leon s kennedy

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redsrandomrants · 2 years ago

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Let Me Tell You Why Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog Has Aged Badly

With the current writing strike going on I remembered how good this was and hoped this strike will produce a sequel but… man, this aged badly. When I was a teenager and I first saw it I loved it, I loved that dichotomy and harmony of My Eyes and I thought Billy was sympathetic and his fall tragic. Um yeah, that’s not the case anymore.

Billy gives off major incel vibes. He stalks this girl, doesn’t know a thing about her, and the things he finds out he doesn’t like but lies to her and pretends he does literally to get in her pants. He scoffs at the things she's passionate about, creeps on her dates with Hammer, says the actual line “Penny doesn’t seem to care that soon the dark in me is all that will remain” as if it’s Penny’s concern what he does with his life. She doesn’t even know him; she bumped on him on the street once, he was a dismissive ass about her petition, and that’s it. They’ve had ONE conversation that lasted two minutes, and she’s supposed to care about this rude stranger? What I thought as a teen was really cool about their duet I now see as a woman living her best life and some creep trying to claim ownership of her.

The emotional core of the story is the connection between Penny and Billy, and it’s just done very poorly. Why does he care about her? He doesn’t know her. She looks pretty and that’s it. Penny is the epitome of woman in the fridge trope, just someone who’s there for the men to fight over and dies to further a man’s development. What pushed Billy to murder is not that Hammer was treating Penny badly (he wasn’t) but that he’s gonna have sex with her and “take” what Billy wants. Forget the fact that Penny might want to sleep with the guy, what do the thoughts and feelings of the object matter, am I right. It’s not that Billy is sad Penny has feelings for Hammer and not him, no, no. It’s that she will be claimed by someone else, how dare we think it might be about Penny and what she feels. In addition to that, the framing of Hammer is that he’s only doing the hero thing about the attention and he doesn’t really care, but does he? Sure he taunts Billy in the laundromat, but he didn’t date Penny just to spite him -- he started dating her before he knew that that they knew each other. Penny is “not his usual, but nice”, he discards the cue cards he could have easily just read from and talks about how Penny is helping him flex “the deltoids of compassion and the abs of being kind”. If we must have a story about a woman being emotional support and making a man better, why can’t it be about a guy who is already doing good for the wrong reasons and she helps him be a more fundamentally compassionate person? Why must it be about the incel who wants anarchy without even knowing what that is? “Anarchy! That I run! It's Dr. Horrible's turn!” — that’s not how that works, Billy.

The music is great, and all the actors are so charming, and I really think the third act works in isolation, but the relationships in the first and second are too toxic to build a good foundation to that. Maybe instead of Billy having a song about how he’s obsessing over a girl he’s never met, it could have been about this girl he does know and what he actually likes about her? Maybe instead of getting mad that Hammer is taking something that “he wants” he gets mad that Hammer is abusing her? Or like just any legit reason to get mad that’s about her and not his own feelings of inadequacy? Maybe instead of him lamenting that “Penny doesn’t seem to care” about a guy she doesn’t know, he laments how she seems to be falling for Hammer’s lies while he, let’s say, checks out other women on their dates?

I know this was made in 2008 but man. It could really use a rewrite to make the core relationships a little stronger.

#Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog #captain hammer #dr horrible #aged badly #let me tell you why #Women in Refrigerators

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microwaving-tesilid-argente · 8 months ago

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Was wondering if you had anything new to share about the genderbend AU? Also I love how you play around with Ailette and Tesilid’s respective roles as protector and damsel sorta and give them a twist/more intensity in this AU.

UEUEUEUEUE thank you for asking about it!!! ive been busy the past 2 weeks so i haven't had time to have any new brainrot about it and what new thoughts i have are very much in their early stages and might get scraped completely.

so i’ll maybe just talk about my conceptualisation of tesilette under cut! and some about reed/ailett too

---

One of my favourite parts of s class heroine is how tesilid clearly plays the narrative role of damsel in distress (what with him being constantly saved and dependent on ailette for his safety and social status) but he still nonetheless has a lot of agency in the narrative because of all his secrets. I think I subconsciously tried to include more of this element of Tesilid having his own mind by making Tesilina have a more utilitarian view about her relationship with Ailett. As with canon, she has to work within the constraints of what the world forces her into, but she's still thinking a lot about what she should do and about how much she hates it.

LIKE. I’m a little insecure about how i made tesilett's r/s because it's a LOT less sweet than canon and that was one of the best parts of canon. But I do really like it??

The way I came up with it was:

okay if we're going to do a genderbend and not have it be a boring rehash of canon, then gender MUST have an important role to play

> this means that gender roles and the patriarchy would be terrible, moreso than I assume it is in canon (where gender is never an issue for Ailette and Bianca becoming knights or heiresses)

> sorry Tesilina…. this means worse sexual harrassment and gender roles…

> this means that the way other people view Tesilette would definitely change

and so that's how I arrived at Tesilina leaning way harder into making their relationship seem legit in the eyes of others. In a world where people policed women's behaviour more, people would already make assumptions about her that she can never truly debunk. I think that after so many lifetimes of working within her Restrictions, it's very natural for her to also make the best of this constraint. In canon Tesilid sometimes talks about trying to escort Ailette or living up to the role a knight, because gender roles. Here Tesilina instead goes *swoon* sir knight, sir saint, are you not going to catch me… (pleading eyes).

Tesilina's the girl who pretends to fall wrong and twist her ankle so a certain someone has to carry her. (Except with her luck she actually does twist it. Or maybe she actually twists it on purpose bc what the hell, Ailett can heal her anyway. It's morbidly fascinating to finally have someone who rushes to heal her. Seeing the almost frenzied concern spring on Ailett's face is heady. It's foreign. It's almost like Tesilina is doing this just to check that Ailett is still here by her side and will still heal her.)

((It's not something Tesilina has ever really done with anyone else. Few others have ever prioritised Tesilina's well-being to this extent. And it’s been a few thousand years since she felt the need check if Hestio and Ephael cared for her – she has the opposite problem for them, really, because she's forced to see how much they are willing to go through for/because of her CONSTANTLY throughout her regressions. Ailett had disappeared for all of that long, long time. She has to check if this is still real.))

I'm just like. HGNFHGNGHGNGHNG.

I don't have solid plans for where I'm going with this. I think it's something that would probably write itself out depending on how I actually write their dynamic… in the very unlikely event that I actually try to write fic for this.

But my very vague roadmap after this stage is that Tesilina eventually starts to become more secure in her relationship with Ailett (think the parts in canon where Tesilid starts to refer to her by nickname, and the fountain of life moment). And when she finally leaves crisis mode, she starts being able to realise that hey uhhh maybe that was a little manipulative. haha. nervous gulp. and a lot of guilt.

I think I can't really plan the fallout much because I don't have the blueprint from canon where Ailette finds out about his secrets too. But tbvh I think Ailette would forgive Tesilid for anything. In all worlds. Look at her trying to redeem Reed even after the Magic Republic burst, even though she herself counted the fatalities in i think the thousands and thought to herself that he was now past the point of no return.

But I think I might need to reread canon and try to do an Ailette character analysis 😔 I don't have a grasp on her character voice at all… It's really hard for me to write her.

I think Hestio and Ephael would definitely play important roles, because in this AU their busybodies whose lives are very enmeshed with Tesilina's. It's probably very disorienting for them because it's clear to them that Tesilina is falling for/has already fallen for Ailette, but she's still being very calculative and utilitarian about things and setting their relationship up for failure with all her lies, and they don't even understand why she's lying so much in the first place because (to them) it's so very out of character.

Anyway, in terms of actually new things I cooked up: Reed is now legitimately trying to kill Ailett. Haha. None of the “it’s enchanting how your eyes turn gold” and “i want you to fall to where i am” shit, Ailett and does not get out of this without major injuries. The instant he brought up Hestio and Ephael the kid gloves were off, and the instant he brought them to his frontline division he got on Reed’s hitlist.

Reed is truly going through it though. Unlike canon, Reed is a bundle of raw nerves and is incredibly sensitive because she just wants herself and her friends to stay dead already. Canon Reed turns Ailett down because he wants to burn the world down. Reed here turns Ailett down because he clearly doesn’t understand or align with her priorities, and she does not believe a happy ending is possible.

Please someone give her a hug she is so lonely.

Like she is doing all this for her friends but she can't even talk to them about it. The only person who knows the most about her regressions is now her biggest enemy.

Anyway the huge difference in 117 and 100th’s attitudes towards Ailett just makes me gnhghgnghgnghng because it’s just because Reed is in absolutely crisis mode rn and is unable to let her guard down. The right person at the wrong time. Slides down the wall. Tesilina is trying to put a ring on Ailett's finger and Reed is trying to kill him.

I might change this dynamic development later on bc this is literally at the earliest draft stage. But I like the idea of Reed/Ailett dynamic being like "who the fuck cares about some man I have my friends to worry about" and Tesilette being like "yeah we're going to lean into gender roles to get that bread"

#asks #soulstar177 #genderbend au

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croissantbae · 2 years ago

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2/6/23

1. Dani is adjusting to school quite well! Today the director said she was asleep at school and tbh I forgot about nap time because I was actually in the office today but seeing that text I felt immediately relieved. When we went to go pick her up I ran in so i could rush the kids with hugs but i saw jaemin talking to the director with his son and his son thought j was his mom. Which is insane to me. How do you mistake someone else for your MOM??? He legit kept thinking I was his mom so he wanted to walk out w me holding my hand and jaemin said when he got in the car he started crying bc he thought I was leaving without him…….. this kid has some serious facial recognition issues. I’m also like wayyyyy taller than his mom.

I went in to get the girls and Dani just starts rushing to finish her oranges, stuffing them in her face, not getting up until she’s done, lol! And the teacher was like she really loves food. And then Jason was like oh man you guys must have your hands full with her and they were like we love her. It warms my heart. I really appreciate the teachers at Edenhurst.

Also this morning a dad was like are you Nayas mom? My wife wanted to set up a playdate sk she wrote you a note and he passed me a note inside a little package with a packet of gummies. Naya got super excited to eat her gummy and now she’s also excited for her play date with Evan.

I think we really just need to move to Glendale already. We’re there basically every weekend. We’re there every week day for pick up and drop offs. We know we’re going to keep the girls in the Glendale system. Just makes sense. Now if only we could find the right house…

2. We went to dayaes moms for dinner. She’s back from Korea and it was so lovely. We had shabu which was delicious. We got to talk to the original kim sisters lol (dayae and Dasol—> naya and dani). And they had so many snacks on the kitchen island from Korea it felt like I was at a little market stand. I’m so relieved dayaes mom is back and healthy. She def lost weight but she looks good. Also it was so sweet but dayae and dasol play so well w the girls which is kind of surprising haha

3. Hera told me she’s not dilated at all (hope you don’t mind me writing this on here). When will the babt come?? Will the baby be a boy or a girl? How will hera feel about all the guests?? In due time we shall seeeeeeee.

4. The girls seem to be peaking latelt. Reaching new heights of cuteness. The things Dani says. The way she pronounces things. Kills me. So cute. I also feel like maybe this year we can get naya and Dani to sleep together. I can’t believe I can see the light… I know I shouldn’t say it bc I might jinx it but also maybe I won’t. Maybe it reallt is nearing the right time. Also I’m glad we waited to go to Korea. I feel like by then the girls will be better travelers, able to pay attention, listen, and will care about the sights and sounds around them.

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katherine-mcnamara · 2 years ago

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hey dev, i just wanna say you don't have to post this but i thought u should know a couple of things i think are pretty important.

firstly, i love seeing your work in the tags! the psds? fucking gorge. the style itself? chef kisses!!!!!! as someone who gifs, although not that often, i know the struggle of gifmaking but cannot, CANNOT 👏👏👏👏 attest to how much time goes into getting things right just because i have no patience or attention span for those things yet to the point of feeling solid with my work.

secondly, i love that you gif so many different people (even if they've already been done before?) because isn't that what art is? (take an artist who draws or paints. they might draw something with a different stroke or palette, etc) and besides, you might hit that gif angle or set of frames in a way someone else hasn't and vice versa which idk if u remember but i was around for the phase of having reaction folders under /smiling, crying, frowning, etc, and even though i don't gif often, i still value different reactions just the same. it just makes things E A S I E R to line up replies with./

thirdly, please, please don't let gremlins destroy ur love for a fc ESPEC. pedro. he's our internet daddy and he knows it. thirdly, i've lurked on ur stuff foreVER and i'm so happy to see how far you've come as a gif maker.

lastly, don't mind me. just another raccoon to add to ur trench coat bc i love u and ur work.

Okay so I got this last night and ngl I cried for like an hour over how sweet this was and because i knew that I could not even word how sweet and lovely and meaningful this was to me and how much it meant!!! And please make no mistake this is honestly one of the nicest and most wholesome messages I've ever recieved and thank you so much for that? Like I am speechless and just so appreciative of you in general!! That you took time and wanted to send this.

That you've been following me for so long and seen my first attempts at giffing I am so sorry for the horrors that you have seen ALDFLSDLF but also honoured you wanted to stick around and have liked seeing me learn more and grow and find different people to fall in love with and gif outside of Kat and Dom.

Also I'm so jsdfkjadfakj that you like my colouring because I spend so much time cursing photpshop in both Arabic and English like 😂 Its worth it though when I see people like yourself and others enjoying them and getting use out of them.

I also just love having every second of screen time for fcs. And like outside of commissions..... a lot of who I gif are either presents to friends, which Pedro is gonna be but he's also a comfort fc to gof, or comfort fcs that make my day better because I'm sad. So people loving those especially is just so warm and fuzzy.

SDFASDLFLFD Pedro knows exactly what he's doing and it makes it even more wild smh ajsdfkdfjdf but please i legit am just jaskfjadfk no words just all my love and I will gladly add you to my trenchcoat of raccoons and I am so thankful for this message.

#you deserve a veterans medal and discount #you've been around so long omg #i adore you and just #tysm for this im speechless #save tag #sweet messages

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24todaynews-press · 4 years ago

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Justin Woll Review: Legit Internet Marketing Guru

This Justin Woll review has been throughly researched with information and testimonials that are available online to anyone in the public. Any conclusions drawn by myself are opinions.

I bet you’ve already heard of Justin Woll’s Beyond Six Figures course. This self-proclaimed guru targets aspiring marketers to start and scale their money-spinning eCommerce store.

Honestly, almost all internet marketing experts and influencers sell their experience as fish bait to a 6-figure income stream!

Their convincing words would surely intrigue your financial desires. As a result, you fall on it without a shadow of a doubt.

So better yet, ask yourself…

Is this money-making scheme legit? Could he really transform my business to generate sales, or was everything just a sort of scam?

I’m here to help! I’m about to unlock the truths about Justin Woll.

Justin Woll’s Beyond Six Figures is pretty much your standard dropshipping course.

If you’ve followed my blog for long, you know that I don’t like dropshipping as a business model for a few different reasons.

That being said, it IS possible to make money with it, so I want to give you an honest review of this particular program.

But first, let me clear the air on one important thing:

Dropshipping has never been – and will never be – a passive, recurring business. No matter what the guru might tell you, it requires constant work.

I’m telling you this from my own personal experience running several dropshipping stores on both Shopify AND Clickfunnels.

If you’re looking for a business that you’ll need to be super active in, dropshipping might be for you.

If you want to make money while you sleep and travel the world, dropshipping just isn’t it.

The main reason?

To have real success with dropshipping, you need a bulletproof system for finding the hottest new products before anyone else.

In the very best case scenario, you have a relationship with your supplier, where they give you a heads up on products that are about to pop. These relationships don’t typically come around until you’ve done 6-figures in business with the supplier.

In the worst case scenario, you’re testing a bunch of products with ads, losing money until you find that one winner.

I’m not saying dropshipping is a bad idea based on that alone… most businesses require you to lose money before you actually make money, so it’s somewhat normal.

But let’s assume you DO in fact have the next fidget-spinner craze product, months before anyone else knows about it…

That’s great! But now you’re gonna need to get people to buy it.

Again, some people thrive on that and love it. So if you’re looking for that level of constant testing and gambling, it might be a good fit.

It’s also worth calling out that Facebook has a track record of banning you FOR LIFE from advertising on their platform for dropshipping.

Think about it: it ruins a user’s experience with Facebook when a product shows up 45 days after they’ve ordered it, and is nothing like the product they thought they were buying.

So Facebook would rather ban you from their platform than risk a bad user experience.

Suffice to say, it’s a lot of stress for not-a lot of payback.

As someone that actually ran a dropshipping business, I can tell you from personal experience that your time can be better spent with other business models.

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dzpenumbra · 1 year ago

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8/9/23

Another depressed day. Maybe the rain is playing a part in it, I don't know. It's just been non-stop lately.

I placed my grocery order last night and was prepared to go get the delivery around 3. I was going to bring my signed lease renewal to the office then, since it's right by the front door to the building. I woke up after 5 hours of sleep. Dehydrated, hungry, sweating. Just... not a fun way to wake up. I ended up just... staying up. And honestly, the day has just been a bit of a blur since then.

I barely had any food, I was waiting for my groceries. I ended up getting my food picked up by this guy who I thought at first was pretty nice and friendly... and he was, don't get me wrong... but he kept trying to get me to settle for substitutes and shit, and was clearly rushing the order and clearly picking up multiple orders at once. I let him substitute some frozen vegetables, he kept saying they were "hard to find" and he "wasn't used to this grocery store" or whatever. And complaining about having a bad back and asthma? For some reason... And I was just like... yo... if you can't do the job, don't fucking sign up for it. Sorry, man. Like... I get that you might have struggles, and we're all hurting out here... but no one held a gun to your head and said you need to take multiple orders at once. Fucking no one did that. And if you can't handle one order... with your bad back and asthma... then what makes you think you can do three?

It really set the day off on a bad note, because the dude was legit trying to refund my tofu, and that's my only fucking source of protein right now. And they have plenty of tofu brands, this guy has just never shopped for tofu before. And he tried to ask me if I fucking knew where it was in the store... And then... refunded it! Before I even answered! And I was just like... "you can substitute with a different brand as long as it's extra firm." And when he asked me if I knew where it was, I told him to ask someone who works at the store. Like seriously, I am paying you to drive to this store, get things off a list, and drive them to my apartment. Is it really that far out of reach to just... go to literally any person in the store wearing a store uniform and ask them where they keep the tofu? And the frozen vegetables I ordered that you substituted? What the fuck, man. If you can't do that, you really shouldn't be doing a job like this.

I mean, I have pretty severe anxiety problems and I struggle to ask staff for things sometimes because of anxiety limitations. Trust me, I get it, if that's even the reason. But like... if I was picking up someone else's groceries? And claiming it was out of stock, but really I just stopped looking and didn't ask anyone? Bro, you're getting paid. You're on the clock.

So yeah, that upset me quite a bit. Then, my groceries got here. And when I unpacked them, there were two kinds of tomatoes bagged together and neither of them were Roma tomatoes... And my block of pepper jack was fucking ripped open. I'm still pissed off. Like... I haven't even gone on the app to file a complaint because of how pissed I am. I just don't want to deal with it. And I know the cheese bag rip was from him because that cheese hardens pretty quickly and it was still soft.

So... that guy might not have a job pretty soon... or at least his rating is going to go down. Not for lack of communicating, but for lack of putting in the effort to get the job done accurately and thoroughly... because he decided to spread himself too thin. That's not me asking too much or setting too high of a standard. I click pictures of things I want that are supposedly in stock, I pick out substitutions for them. He is supposed to check with me before substituting (which he didn't on 3 items), and make an honest effort to make sure the items I ordered are actually out of stock. But he was fielding multiple orders simultaneously and was already running an hour late.

He then dropped off my groceries and didn't notify me that they were dropped off when there was frozen food in the bags... What a way to start my day.

And here I was, happy that I started my day with a shower, when I normally wait on a shower until after yoga. Yep, that means that I still haven't done yoga. But I showered because I knew I was going to be around people and I didn't wanna be stinky.

When I picked up my groceries, a young woman was walking in with a dog. They were both very nice and polite, I appreciated it, she offered to hold the door open for me. I tried to thank her and wish her a good day, but again... I felt like someone took my volume remote and turned me down to 3/100. Like I was trying to speak and it just came out as a whisper. Maybe because it was the first time I had spoken out loud... man, I was gonna say today but... maybe in a few days... Then I went and handed the lease over to the Assistant who was really nice to me at the parking lot party almost a month ago. And I was wearing the blue bead necklace that I made and the pants with the deer on them. As conversation pieces, in case I felt brave enough to like... say "hey, wanna see what I've been working on?" Or, if anyone else felt generous enough to point them out themselves... (I guess I kinda lean on the latter one...)

The Assistant wasn't looking in my direction, so I waited for a minute until she turned around, and I got her attention. She apologized as though she did something really wrong, like "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, I didn't see you there." Like I was... 7 years old again... waiting quietly and politely like I was trained to... for an ice cream or something, and the person at the stand goes to close up the shop and suddenly notices this saintly patient silent boy with hopeful eyes and an innocent smile. And she feels so bad, like she almost broke his heart. When really, I had only been standing there for like... 30 seconds... and it wasn't a big deal at all. And I held out the folder and she just automatically asked if it was my lease, and then offered to get a signed version back to me and... I mean... I barely got 3 syllables out of my mouth and the conversation was fucking over and she was walking away. It was like a tornado whipped through the room. But I fucking guarantee other people would not have experienced it that way. I just live at such a slower pace and quieter volume. Good lord, do I. I literally stop to smell the roses.

Those two interactions back to back just... made me feel so out of place. So socially incompetent... meh... more socially incongruent. I felt so timid and frail and... out of my element? I guess? It's so hard to describe.

Now... for juxtaposition... look at how much I have to say about it. XD How fucked is that. In person - 3 syllables. In writing - 3 paragraphs. When most people are pressed to find 144 characters of coherent shit to say. I have so much I want to contribute. Again, it was a reminder of how I deeply struggle to... initiate. To break the ice. But once the ice is broken and I'm comfortable? I will literally talk to you for 12 hours straight and not repeat a topic.

This was what drew my ex to me. She would ask me about things I was passionate about - the one that stands out the most vividly was when she asked me about some Star Wars lore, some fan theory I was digging deep into and my own thoughts on it. She had never even seen the movies. But she loved my passion, how deeply into this I was. How much I cared. And how I presented it. Because it was real. It was real passion. And this, of course, is all because I experience extremely deep genuine emotions - my gift and my curse.

I'm making lemonade in the other room and I have to go and add more water to the Brita thing periodically, this is one of those breaks. I also made more granola, the same kind - white chocolate with freeze-dried strawberries. I need to figure something else out with the strawberries, the freeze-dried ones are just really weird. The taste and the texture just gets odd.

Anyway yeah, I just keep getting reminded of this big curse of my life that I just absolutely suck at going up and introducing myself to people. The only time I've ever been able to really do that comfortably was when I was doing a bit or something. I really don't even know why, to be honest. I guess I'm just afraid of being too forward? I don't know. So I've always just sorta... waited for people to approach me. And I just took whatever I could get.

This applies universally. Going to a bar, seeking out and flirting with a random girl? Not a chance. Cold-calling someone and trying to sell them something? No way. It's just... it just doesn't feel right. Any variation.

What I have found that works for me is using contextual environmental actions to justify interactions. Like... we all see a rabbit run across the street and I point it out and go "wasn't that cool" or something. I don't fucking know, it's a weird example but go with it. Like... I can...

Dude, I just got a really sad memory. I remember when I was skating at the skatepark back at my old hometown... and it was just me and this kid there until after sundown. And the kid was just sitting on the bench the whole time, barely even skating at all. Alone. With me, a 36 year old man. And he couldn't have been over the age of 12. I really don't think he was even a teenager yet. And he was just silent, just watching me skate, but not letting me see him watch, and sitting on the bench. Which was weird in itself for me, but I got over it quickly. And after a while... it was getting dangerous for me to skate, because the skatepark just straight up did not have lights, despite plenty of other shit at the park having lights. Talk about fucking discrimination. By the time I packed up, it was legit getting so dark I couldn't even see the ramps anymore. And he was still sitting there. And I actually approached him. I was so freaked out by it for so long because... anxiety, man. I don't want some fucking paranoid parent looking over and seeing me, a grown man, talking alone with a kid at a park. There are enough fucked up people blasted all over the news to justify that paranoia in peoples' heads to the point where I don't feel comfortable with it at all. Which sucks. Because I'd probably make a great mentor for a kid like that. But I braved the "risk" and asked him if he had a ride coming, and he said yes but he didn't know where they were. He asked to borrow my cellphone, which I gladly obliged. He called and got one of his parents, who said the other was on their way after work. And it was like... 7PM and already dark.

So... my paranoid ass just told him it would probably be safer to hang out on one of the benches in the light over by the buildings in the park. And wished him luck. And I fucking left. I fucking left this kid alone at the skatepark in the dark with no cell phone in like October.

Why? Because of my anxiety. Because I didn't want some parent or cop or something coming by and seeing me sitting on a bench with a kid and throwing me in fucking prison. Because I'm paranoid, just like them. And because of that, that poor kid had to go through that scary moment alone. I obviously feel very guilty because of that. Now, I wonder... how many people my age, in my demographic... would have stayed? I genuinely don't know if I could come up with a percentage. I really don't know.

But if I was skating with one other person? We would've stayed. 100%. I don't know if I would've offered him a ride home... but we would've stayed with him.

The last time I remember being as confident as I would need to be right now... it was summer 2019. And the trauma I suffered then has really deeply infected my associations with... extroverted actions. I would go on Overwatch quick plays and just talk on team chat the whole time, build the team up a lot (usually while playing support), get them real excited, then collect people after the match if they wanted to join up and bring them with me into new random matches. I sent long heartfelt emails to my college ex and my older brother, probably a few other people I don't remember. I tried to join an interfaith spiritual group, which really led to sparking the flame in my family problems. I don't know, I guess I wasn't like... going around town going up to strangers and introducing myself... but I was definitely much more confident in the extroverted actions that I did there. And now... those are much harder.

Like now... I really need to email the head of this art collective a block away from my building. I really need to. And... I'm scared. Honestly. I don't know what to say that isn't awkward, and I have no one to proofread. That's the real kicker for me. I have no one to proofread.

Why is that a problem? Hmm... Well... I used to do a video blog where I would get high and just talk about life, raw and unedited. The whole concept behind it was like a micro bite-sized podcast that simulated the social act of going out for a smoke break with friends. To capture that moment where you're sitting on the porch in the dark with friends and the only light is ambient light from inside and the red-orange glow of your embers, and you just talk about life and whatever cool shit you discovered... anything really. Just real, honest human connection. Because those moment were really where a lot of social gems in my life were found. And this was 2 years before I quit cigarettes. My plan was to use this series to quit smoking cigarettes and replace it with both weed and a healthier habit - creating and socializing.

The entire series was, from its inception, designed to be a social act. And it was designed to cater to even being done through phone calls, and within restrictive timetables. See... when I asked people if they wanted to do a podcast or some kind of freestyle off-the-cuff radio-style media... they would all say bullshit excuses like "I'm too busy" or "I can't be there in person". So... my naïve ass decided to accommodate my inspiration to the people who were too cowardly to tell me "no, I'm not interested". And the idea was somehow even better! And then they just came up with more bullshit to say "no" to that. So... I just said... "fuck it, I'll just do it solo and show them that it works, then they can join later. Proof of concept." Right? Ugh, I'm so innocently optimistic it makes me cringe. They were never going to show up, in fact, they didn't even want to listen to the ones I did. How fucked is that? They literally wouldn't make 5-10 minutes at any point in their day to either talk to me about literally anything for this series, or listen to me in the episodes I did without them. Great friends...

So... that series just turned into me getting high and talking to myself in a phone. Every day. For 100 days straight. And that was quite an accomplishment. But keep in mind. I was smoking weed for the first time in 15 years, I was in real isolation for the first time ever, and at one point was detoxing off of meds and dealing with sleep deprivation, and enduring a lot of trauma and grief completely unsupported... at the same time. And I was recording stream-of-consciousness videos of that. In a way, I wish I had kept the recordings... because it would've made Bo Burnham's Inside look like a Broadway play. This was 100% raw shit. Raw as it gets. Honest as it gets. True art. And honestly, it was probably way more coherent than my paranoia right now is trying to convince me, whispering over and over in my ears. But man, the second I got off of meds... and was around a whole bunch of people who just... did not understand art or artists at all... They really let that shame dig deep into me. And didn't seem to bat an eye at my desire to clean house and wipe that chapter from my life out of shame. I still look back at that like... "what were you guys thinking? You just let me quit? And supported it, as though it was 'recovery'?!"

I think at some point I watched one of the videos from that period that was on my phone, and it felt like incoherent babble. And it scared me. Because it like... validated all of the literal gaslighting that my family and friends were doing. And I still don't know to this day if it was actually "crazy"... like an actual psychotic break captured on film... or I just lacked the context to understand the eureka moment I was experiencing while high. And honestly, I really think it was the latter. I really do.

So... yeah... no shit I struggle to put my stuff out there. I'm shocked I've even been able to do this journal. Need I even mention that my mom desperately tried to talk me out of doing this project, and several other precursor projects as well.

If your way of "protecting" someone is to convince them not to take a single risk in pursuit of their dreams, their passion, their craft... I just don't even know what to say. You're lost as fuck. You need to find a fucking lighthouse or something, I don't know.

I still struggle to read notebooks from that time - and mind you, I was very artistically prolific during that period. I wrote a ton, I recorded music, I made visual art, I made crafts, I did several video projects, I streamed, I did it fuckin all. I still have several journals kicking around that have notes from that time period and... it's hard for me to read because I'm expecting to find a smoking gun. I'm expecting to find something "crazy". But I never do. I just find weird experiments with stream-of-consciousness poetry and mind-mapping and like... experimenting with spirit writing, and trying to induce trances and then draw whatever popped into my head immediately after. Shit that I had wanted to do for years. Shit that I still want to do, honestly.

To me, there's something so exciting and beautiful about the time-honored tradition of getting really fucking high and putting yourself in a shamanic trance and letting an idea come to you and channeling it into a medium. And I really don't think that act has ever hurt anyone... or even poses a real, logical threat... But, to be fair... the people who were trying to convince me these things were "crazy" were shadow-led by a man who sent me an email article claiming that street weed was laced with fentanyl now, trying to scare me out of smoking weed. And... one of my friends died a fentanyl related death a few months prior to that... So... Yeah... That shit will kinda dig some roots in your head, especially when you already have a preexisting anxiety disorder.

Good lord, how did I even get here. Confidence? I guess? How that was the last time I was really confident. And my confidence led me to losing fucking everything. At least... that's what I was led to believe, to cover their asses and blame me for their actions. And now... I struggle with trauma responses when I... start being my confident self. When I start feeling like "that confident guy" again, I get a reflex like I'm expecting to get stabbed or something; or like I'm going to anger someone or suffer a great loss.

I guess let me connect some dots here. I treated deleting my YouTube with the 100+ micro podcasts, the associated twitter, all the social media, patreon, everything. I treated that as the death of that persona. I got rid of the name, I changed all my usernames from that to what I am using currently. And the persona that I killed off? It was the evolution of my writing/music persona. The one I had in college and beyond, the name everyone called me more often than my own name. The one that... is here.

I'm editing a bit because I want to connect the dots but I'm trying to prevent myself from doxing the old username because I'm still very anxious and paranoid and don't know if it's still on the internet. But... I evolved my old writing/music name into the one I used for art and the YouTube series and shit. I added a suffix from an ancient culture's word for the spiritual essence of a person that survives after death. Like... finding my purpose, my identity, and integrating it into the framework of what I had already been building. Finding my soul, and merging it with the life I had. And it also doubled as the name of a character from Belorussian folklore, and I have some Belorussian blood and I really identified with the character, so it was a really cool double entendre there. And this, I guess this is another evolution extension off of that. I guess this has been my way of bringing that part of me back. This is where my confidence has been hiding. In the penumbra.

Man, this is like trauma central tonight. I just searched for penumbra to give a definition and the first thing that popped up was a device used to clear blood clots in extremities. And... I almost got my leg amputated for a blood clot in my shin... What are the chances? Ugh, didn't need to relive that too tonight...

I was going to do something witty about like... how my past persona wasn't killed off... I just banished it. I deleted the videos, I wince when I read the writing, I cringe when I think about how confidently wrong I often was... how embarrassing that was. How "foolishly" I dove headfirst into things and improvised my way out of them. How I said yes to life as much as I possibly could, and all the danger and harm that put me through.

Imagine how different my life would be if I remembered the good times? I don't think of how movie-like and wonderful it was to have my dog tied to my waist and walking me around a ski resort all day, and then, that night, us sitting at a pizza place with a complete stranger, a nice young woman we met that day, and all of us eating dinner together and then dropping her off at her tent like a gentleman and going back home. I don't think of when I was sitting on the porch listening to music and trying to learn how to cut and polish stones... and then looking out over the pond and seeing billowing clouds of milkweed seeds floating on the surface of the water and flying in the air, and seeing the Strawberry Moon around sunset that evening. I don't think of long days out in the stream on my property adjusting the flow of the water and building waterfalls and pools and borders, while my dog went in the overgrowth and hunted moles and chipmunks. It's a shame. It was really the turning point in my relationship with my dog, honestly, both of my pets. When I found myself, and found my heart again, and started treating them like my children. Like I always should have been. And we had so many wonderful times.

I guess that's the transition there. I started the memorial piece for my pets today. Doing the text at least. I don't have a printer anymore, and I threw away all my fucking carbon paper. I had so much. I had like... probably over 200 sheets of carbon paper that I had bought for tattoo stencils. It was a staple in tattooing, it's what you do your stencils with, it's a must. I held on to that shit for 10 years. And I had to throw it all out. Because I just didn't have room for my tattooing stuff and... it was time, I guess. I threw out all my tattooing stuff. It still hurts.

But that carbon paper would be super fucking useful right now. And... I don't have it. So... I don't really know how I'm going to do this design. I found the text, it works, I've got it all typed out and spaced and formatted, it should wrap well. I just... don't really know what's next. I guess... I just trace it off my tablet onto paper... then rub graphite on the back? Then transfer that way? Either that or cut the letters out and do it like a graffiti stencil. Idk. A printer would make this so much easier. But that shit the bed on the move as well.

So... I kinda hit a wall with that. It's all good to go, I just... don't know how to get it off my computer and onto the staff. So... I guess I'll get to it when I get to it.

Then I ate a ridiculous amount of food, because I barely ate all day prior. I listened to Tony Hawk/Jason Ellis's podcast with Lil Wayne, which was cool. It's really crazy to hear Lil Wayne talking about how funny people who I went to high school with are. Fucking surreal. And really cool that with all his fame and fortune, the thing that brings him the most childlike joy (you can actually see him wiggling in his chair like a child, it's so wonderful!) is skating.

After food, I started polishing the small beads. The yellow-green and natural wood colored ones; there are 88 of them. My plan is to do the Brillo/brown paper treatment on them... then do another coat of tung oil... then wait 3 days... then repeat and see how it comes out. With this many beads to do, I'm really reaching with my creativity to try to find some way to make a hand-powered tool where I can just pop the bead on and use a handcrank or something. Just using a dowel is going to give me blisters soon, I can feel it. I have no problem using tools, I'm just avoiding powertools.

And yeah, that's about it for the day. Making my own lemonade rather than buying it. Making my own granola again. And that's about that.

Last thing - I have two of my first chili peppers that are ready to be picked, bright red and everything. No clue what to do with them... XD I might freeze them for now and thaw them when I can figure out what to do, I might try to make a hot sauce, that could be cool. Cherry tomatoes are still growing, the first should be ripening soon. Yay! :)

This was a heavy journal entry. It's... ... I carry a lot of shit. And when that trauma and... influence gets so deep into your insecurities and your anxieties... it can start influencing your everyday behaviors. It's surreal how deeply it can transform your life, and how quickly. And maybe laymen can relate a bit now with the whole pandemic and all... how those fears really stick with you, even though you "don't have to worry about it anymore". After a few years, it can get trained as a deep reflex, an instinct... and those can be hard to shake, and hard to reason with. If you too are struggling with those reflexes? You're not alone, you just do the best you can with what you've got to work with today, take notes and try again tomorrow.

So... tomorrow? I'd like to set the goal of trying to email the guy at the art collective. I'm not quite ready to email my old drawing teacher, or my old painting teacher, or my old graphic design teacher (ironyyyy). But this small step of just saying "hey, I'm an artist new to the area, I live a block away from the collective. I'd love to meet some creative people and sorta get integrated into the local art community, could you help?"... It could make a world of difference, and lead me to seeing that sending a message like that? That's not rude, it's not scary, it's not forward, it's just people being people. It's using an email for what an email is for. And the worst that could happen is him saying "no". I think that's worth taking a leap for.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness #ptsd

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