#lately I’ve been feeling very distant and it’s probably depression?

[jankwritten]

I’ve become so antisocial that my brother just suggested I go to a queer community youth group for support (despite not needing or wanting support right now) and it genuinely made me angry.

Probably a combination of 1) him assuming I need help despite already telling him I’m fine with everything 2) feeling like I HAVE to go out of some obligation because he asked 3) my anxiety about ever opening up at all near my family which is leftover paranoia from growing up with my mom hearing any and all gossip from my teachers and 4) my massive dislike of being around other people

Like sure, it would be cool to meet other queer people. But I’d have to hang around my brother, and put on the “mom and bro” mask after spending an entire day in the office. I wouldn’t feel like I could be myself because of the fear someone would say something to my brother that he’d then Know. Or worse, would tell to my mom.

(I have paranoia about social media because of him too. I ran a PJO Instagram account in middle school where I shared some Not Good things, that he found. I never felt safe online again after that, until coming on tumblr.)

They are far more emotion-y and empathetic than I am, and I fucking HATE when they hear something concerning and immediately go all oogy puppy lovey about it.

I don’t want community. I like having people around, but at my own distance. I feel like if I went to this group, which I don’t really want to in the first place, I’d just be stuck masking for another group of people.

My brother ages out of the group in January, but then if I go he’ll know I was avoiding going while he was there and he’ll get sad about it.

Ugh.

[spidernaisstuff]

Alex extended reading chart

Here’s the extended reading chart of Alexis, I’ve mixed with previous readings that have been made of him (here the person who made it: @/gogysastrologer) so that it can be even more accurate. A part from reading it I’ll blend it to his personality and life.

- Include NSFW

Disclaimer: Do not take astrology aspect seriously at all, since astrology can tell you some things but not all, let's remember that we do not know him so this reading can’t be 100% accurate. astrology can tell you a part of the person, but not all, since we are individuals with tastes, thoughts and emotions that astrology cannot read.

He's a capricorn to the 7th degree, which shows he has heavy libra influence on his life, must be his mom or sister. most prominently, that includes relationships and law - which explain the whole lawyer and politics in his life. He also have a notable figure in his life might've been a lawyer ( maybe his dad because capricorn suns are well known for having the father figure be very, very prominent, whether in a good or bad way ) His dad is a pisces (I just know his date birthday, not the year) so reading this above the relationship between Capricorn and pisces are not bad, they are compatible, but it’s not normal on a pisces work on law, so he’s dad might have in his chart most air and earth placements, but with the theory of Alex and his dad have not a good relation might be because he have fire placement which crashes with him.

Actually the theory of separation it’s not actually true, It can be seen that in his childhood he could see a bit of friction between his parents because his father was involved in some type of politics, something that his mother probably didnt see for sure, I also see that he could have gone through a bad economic moment in his childhood (possibly his father's fault) so this may explain why Alex hasn’t the same relationship with him and why he studies law which would be to protect himself at some point from his parents' actions in the past. His brothers also seem to be involved in economic and law, so it can be said that it is a family of law.

Also he has been raised with religion and politics so that’s why its environment raised him being reserved with his life and mostly with emotions. this placement also shows someone who grew up with lots of insecurities about their appearance.

The BEST part about his chart is that he's a super hopeless romantic. a lot of time spent fantasizing about relationships and finding his soulmate, a lot of time wasted chasing after relationships. He waits to the exact one, he may believe to “find his soulmate”. He’s the one when he finds the one, there will not be more.

This also tells he’s very independent, but not just because of astrology but how he grew up, independent on school even independent on emotions, he can live by himself with no problem, the thing is that will make him sad/depressed but in some way he will overcome it, so don’t be surprised if he finally finds someone late in life, it’s just his way. This also shows he prefers the things go slowly but with security, he really don’t like things to Fuck up.

his sun also falls into his 12th house, meaning he's a very secretive person ( as i said previously ). he struggles with showing his authentic self to others and can feel attacked and put off by others trying too pry onto him or to find out more about him. this house placement is also an indicator of his father did not have an emotional presence in his childhood-teenager, I don't think his father disapproved on him, maybe in his beginnings as a youtuber he did not have his consent so he may see him as a disappointment, creating a tense and distant bond between the two. But I can see it maybe got better with time, Alex grew and showed him.

it can also point to foreign success and eventually settling down somewhere other than mexico, specifically because at some point he may start to feel 'suffocated' there, or like he can't fully implement his creativity, that’s why he might move a lot in his life. (Idk why but I’ve seen his cartography chart, and maybe Europe wil be his next home, Spain/England is highly the ones, I think the time he move there he’s career will be in the top)

This is a conclusion I made, but it’s highly possible he will date/marry a girl who will follow him wherever. she most likely to be known as him, just because he tends to be more attracted to really pretty women(inside or outside) and who have more money/power than him. So his future girlfriend will be a Spanish/English/Mexican (actually Europeans girls and mexican/american) would be the best actually. it appears that europe will make him get a lot of creativity. (Pls if someone knows how to read astral cartography correct me if I’m wrong :) Spanish and English girls on top hehe🤘🏻

moving onto his moon sign, His Moon in Aquarius means that he's very imaginative, creative, intelligent, mature, independent (he can handle emotions and situations in his own way) he respect privacy space and boundaries and doesn't care to be the fist at doing something. They're freak, in a fun way. That explains a lot of alex 🌚 also he's very expressive, it's in ways that not everyone could recognize. he probably has little 'tics' that only those who are really close to him can recognize which show his mood changes. This one is the eye twitching little people realized. he's prone to intense mood swings, making him seem completely unreadable to anyone who isn't very close to him. Actually he doesn’t open up easily like he’s the type he first to date you he have to know you at least for some months ( you know: unknown-friends-couple)

his moon sign also tells us that he may have grown up viewing his mother as a friend rather than a parent, almost to the point where being yelled at or punished by her might have seemed like a ridiculous idea to him. they're very close and he feels like he can tell her anything. this placement may point towards tension between the parents - he probably grew up hearing lots of arguments, kind of just a chaotic home life - again, might be a child of divorce. (I put all this as is because I read the same thing, remember I mixed with the ones that are already done)

Mercury in Capricorn: this planet rules the communication so this says how he communicate, speak, think, express and what we choose to study. He's very direct, logical and straight to the point, but he's not impulsive, he thinks before talking. (This makes a lot of sense) so that's why he's a lawyer. He knows the value of the words and when he means something he truly does, he knows what he say have a lot of value so he's careful of what he says AND to WHO. He's quiet and reserved of his relationships and life. (We all know this) he doesn't says anything unless it relates to the situation. He's not reserved with the people he have a lot of relation and confidence. They are GOOD listeners and gives logical responses (danm I love this) a business mindset and good at having good grades. So the perfect match for him would be the opposite: someone whose free, imaginative, sentimental, etc... This would help alex a lot to advance and improve and open his outlook on life and not close himself off. 🥹 also we can see alex has no problem inserting his authority where needed. he has an almost scary way of detaching his emotions from his actions when a situation calls for it, but it might be dulled down by this falling into the 12th house, which makes him surprisingly enough very shy and good at putting up a wall or a persona. hugeee overthinker and has a very beautiful and poetic way of thinking but has trouble expressing these ideas in a way he'd like so he often just avoids it in the first place.

as for his venus sign, he's an aquarius venus in the 23rd degree - an aquarius degree, which intensifies the regular aqua traits. these placements aren't the type to take relationships lightly at all, if he ever gets into a relationship just KNOW he genuinely sees a future with that person. he wouldn't date anyone who he hadn't been friends with for a while already and that he didn't know inside and out.

being an air sign, aquarius venus deals with technology, meaning he might find his partners online, whether it be through dating apps or most likely through his career. This explains what I said, I’m 100% he will meet her trough Internet that’s why he’s likely to be with someone far away from him.

this placement, especially with it falling into the 2nd house, tells us he has a very strange and unusual, maybe slightly hypocritical set of values. he's also very prone to overspending and money tends to come and go for him, even if he has plenty to fall back on. He really have good luck with money (I wish me)

venus being the planet of love and relationships, it also tells us a lot about his future partner. there's a 99% chance they will either be much richer than him or, at the very least, a kris kardashian type - a person who can help him further his career. Maybe she will be a content creator, or business woman but known.

words of affection are very very important to him, and he craves his partner's comfort and validation almost to an unhealthy amount. very very possessive and loyal and definitely expects the same back !! the type of person to attach meaning and symbolism to everything and anything. He’s also very touchy, but he will demonstrate little by little.

One of his placement that is very it's his Mars in Scorpio, this placement is very lucky and not many ppl have it and in astrology having scorpio in mars are known for being the BEST in bed, bcs mars is ruled by Scorpio, so that accusation of "alex is bottom" in the astrology view it's completely wrong, he might be switch but def top, intensifies that kind of strong masculine energy, but scorpio being scorpio, it's not very noticeable at first. it's more of a down-low thing where you can just sense something about the person you know?

he's a very sexual person by nature, though that doesn't mean necessarily sexually active. he's not the one night stand type and wouldn't sleep with someone unless he formed a deep emotional connection with them. He’s the one who don’t have sex, he makes love (HAHAAH 🌚 just the typical joke, he does the two of them ladies)

He’s very, very fucking dominant lol. very, very intense and passionate, he'd definitely be into overstimulation and edging. he likes seeing his partner get desperate for him and loves to hear them beg. definitely a breeding kink and he loves loves loves to leave marks no matter how subtle. he likes seeing his influence on you and your body iykwim.

So Alex has a bunch of Aquarius placements, and his Eros is no different! He has His Eros in Aquarius. Now Eros in Aquarius are turned on by unusual people, different people that aren't like the rest. They are very open minded when it comes to stuff like kinks, and fetishes in the bedroom; and aren't afraid of things people would call "shocking" or "gross". He needs a lot of sexual freedom, and wants his mate to also feel sexually freeing. Like he wants to be shocked, or surprise by what his mate likes sexually. He'll find very traditional type of relationships quite boring and draining, and will want them to be unconventional to really make things exciting and keep him interested. Alex would probably be open to trying everything at least once! His Eros is in his whole sign 2nd house! The 2nd house is usually associated with the sign of Taurus. So he might really love touching during sex, he prefers hand job than blowjob 100%, the masturbation part in the sex might be his favorite. Possessiveness could possibly be a turn on as well, he might be a bit more possessive or like that in someone a bit more than a normal Aquarius placement would. Being sensual is big here as well! And self-pleasuring is found here, so masturbation is something he might really like doing, or maybe he'll like helping his mate masturbate. Also being comfortable and safe with his mate is important! His Venus placement backs this up as well, because also has his Venus in Aquarius in the 2nd house! So again, these themes of sensuality and being attracted to weirdness or unconventional people are amplified. His Mars is in Scorpio in the 11th house. He might be really passionate because Mars is very passionate in the sign of Scorpio; Mars is at home in Scorpio.

he has an ascendant stellium, meaning he has 3 or more planets in his first house, 3 + lilith specifically in this case. this in itself goes back to my point earlier about how important appearance and the way he comes across as is to him.

Lilith in Aquarius: he might really like being kissed and touch everywhere, that's explains why his love lenguaje is touch and words of affirmation. He might enjoy being dominated but his Mars in Scorpio says the opposite, so he's open minded to everything and open to try a lot of things (he's perfect wtf) he's freedom is very important, he likes touching himself and touching others (here says he can have multiple partners and he might cheat bcs he likes freedom) but adapting this to his personality and religion, he's waiting to the exact one, maybe his partner will be his age but not too far from his age. A challenge for him might be finding a group of friends where he can be comfortable, but he's a good adaptable person. Actually hes very independent and feel empowered by it, so if he find a partner so late o marry so late it's bcs he can and knows to live by himself, bcs he's waiting for what he truly deserve.

he might also deal with some body image issues and he has a natural 'seductive' feel to him, so it's not uncommon that people will misunderstand his intentions. intense with eye contact. neptune and uranus also fall into the 1st house, neptune making alex a naturally likable person to just about everyone he meets and uranus making it so he's very fidgety, full of energy and incredibly unpredictable.

I know there’s been some conflicts with his “ideal type” saying he likes girls who look different. Uhm… that have nothing to do actually, it has been said he likes blonde-blue eyes girls, but seeing the crushes he had and rumors of crushes they are all brunettes and the theory he attracts brunettes (u know luzu, Willbur, Rubius etc..) so “the girls who look diff” it will be to their personality not their looks, I can guarantee u all he have not an exact ideal type, and I can give my hand that he will end up with a brunette like-💀

In summary he have a toxic chart im not gonna lie. 😩 btw these are the most important aspects of his chart so I hope u all like it. Maybe if something doesn’t stick with me in a near future I’ll update it or smth idk.

He prefers bobs than ass, but a good ass never dissappoints🔥

[militibus-ex-umbra]

((Another Update cause I know I’ve been absent from here. It’s gonna be depressing though so feel free to read at your own discussion.))

So I’ve been going through a lot of personal drama behind the scenes, my job has been insanely busy until very recently. On top of that a lot of my own personal medical situation has seemed to change and get worse in some ways. And even more on top of that, my cat passed away this monday because she was suffering from a type of bone cancer. This has been affecting my entire family but both me and my younger sister especially. It hasn’t been very easy. 

I do plan on coming back here but I do think I’m gonna pull away from some of the social aspects of the fandom. I’m not completely disappearing mind you. But I’m gonna be much more selective here. And also be leaving some of the discords I’ve joined for RPing as well.

I’d like to stress and clarify that I have nothing against any of the servers I plan on leaving, or if you don’t here from me for a while in private. I just need to take more steps to keep my mental health secure. Because It’s been very unstable lately.

I’m hoping this will not only help me feel better mentally, but will give me the actual desire to write again. Honestly somedays I felt like deleting this whole blog and only rping one or two muses on a fresh start. But after several talks with a close mutual, I decided this would probably be the best way to help myself.

As I said, If I’m more distant or seem more distant to any of you. It’s nothing against you or me not liking you. I’m just trying to keep myself together through all of this. Also this has admittedly killed most of my drive to write nsfw. If I get that back I’ll let you know. But depression sucks doesn’t it?

Thank you if you read all of this. And If I can, I’ll be writing again here before long.

[nickfoo]

Part 2 of a brain dump on characters I’ve been writing out while waiting for the train this week. Trains have been delayed lately, so I get an extra 30 minutes. This one’s about Redestro and some relationships with him and such. Shortened for your dash convenience.

Shifting gears to a different manga/anime, on to Bnha and Redestro. Ohhh where do I start with this man? This basket case man? I ship him with Shigaraki because yes, it also fits in with my favorite ‘opposites attract’ deal. Goth other-worldly punk looks like he crawled out of the grave next to a repressed, depressed, older businessman. They’re both villains. Their dynamic is just really tasty - two obviously fucked up people in a unconventional give/take relationship. The total 180 Rikiya does after his defeat to Shigaraki — I’ve said it before but I have no other way to put it— Rikiya sped run enemies to lovers in record time. Literally had a ‘doki-doki’ freak out mid life or death battle. Rikiya is head over heels devoted to the guy who took his legs. Sees Shigaraki as the one who ‘liberated’ him from his burden of carrying the original Destros legacy. They’re both so sane. 

I adore the head-cannon that Rikiya was involved with Trumpet on a much more personal level in the past. Trumpet seems to be the closest to Rd of Rikiyas top brass. ( Geten I would argue next but that’s a different kind of close. Not close enough to be father-son but not so distant as teacher-pupil? Geten clearly only respects one man and one man only and its Rd. ) Trumpet is seen not far from Rikiyas side after their defeat at Deika city. When Rikiya displays submissive brown-nosing tendencies to Shigaraki, this appears to be a pattern Trumpet recognizes as he says internally he: ‘didn’t want to see him like this.’ I also adore the head-cannon that Trumpet has known Rikiya since they were young, they went to university together and is sort of a ‘look out’ or watchdog over Rikiya during RDs entire life. ( For the MLA Elders or not ) Not that Trumpet doesn’t care deeply about Rikiya, but as I also like to imagine he grew up on the Destro’s ideology diet as a loyal follower, he’s not immune to viewing Rikiya through that lense. The lense the MLA followers see Rikiya with as being the physical manifestation of og Destros will and the only living carrier of og Destros bloodline. So of course, I adore the head-cannon that Rikiya broke it off with Trumpet simply because he realized that yes, Trumpet was also a devout follower of Destros will. Leaving RD wondering due to his position and bloodline, would Trumpet ever refuse him or if Trumpets feelings for him were influenced by these factors. So going by these head cannons, I enjoy that it’s a sensitive issue that passes between the two of them- an elephant in the room they’ve learned to recognize and ignore. Maybe nudge it gently when it’s in the way, but nothing more. They care about and look out for one another, but a bridge has been burned. So they kinda watch one another, with their hands in their pockets, from opposite sides.

This is where Shigaraki comes in. Tomura is totally untouched by the cult code the MLA has fostered. He doesn’t care who Rd is. He doesn’t care about his bloodline tying him back to one of the most infamous villain figures in history. So one thing Rikiya can count on - is Tomura is unbiased and unprejudiced against him. It’s probably immensely refreshing to Rd to not be hailed as Destros blood. It’s alien - Shigaraki is alien to him, what with Rikiya living such a rigid, inexorable lifestyle. (Seems to counter with his whole message of liberation doesn't it? Rikiyas not very free himself.) The two are opposites: Rd speaks very politely and formally, using ‘Watashi’ to refer to himself. Shigaraki speaks rudely, using ‘Ore’ to refer to himself. Tomura is younger, ambitious and unpredictable. Rikiya is older, more experienced and self restrained. Tomura doesn’t have a record of being ‘nice.’ But I think ‘nice’ and ‘genuine’ don’t intersect. And I think Tomura is straightforward. Tomura has shown the ability to recognize and consider his comrades. I’d like to hope he can recognize Rd as a comrade now. Rikiya is certainly devoted enough to Tomura. Rd let’s those same bone thin fingers that took his legs touch him anyway they want because he’s quite willing to have choice taken away from him, the choice of his life or death, and put it into the hands of this young man now. For once, Rikiyas not carrying the overbearing responsibility of choice, even with his own life. His own life that has always been second and willingly able to be sacrificed to the cause. Remember, this is a man that made and designed his own high tech iron maiden mech suit that impales and constricts his body to provide physical stress stimulus when mental or emotional stress isn’t enough to wring every last bit of power out of himself for the cause. The guy who his clone in the manga when he narrated the scene,  seemed oddly ok, even relieved, with his very temporary existence and accepting of his own demise. 

And as much as I enjoy portraying Shigaraki as an entity of death, decay and rebirth, I find it so ironic that he didn’t kill Rikiya when he submitted his life to Tomura. That Shigaraki decided: nah, you’re going to live. You can’t rest yet. There’s too much that needs to be done and you’re going to help me now.

I could also talk about how I’m weak for other stuff in their dynamic - Shigaraki being able to push this guy around ( no matter his size or strength, and Rikiya can accumulate both to titan amounts. You should know what I am by now. ) with no effort at all. A guiding push is all Shigaraki would need to use. I’d like to think Rikiya is glad Tomura kept him, and Tomura doesn't regret doing so. (Giving credit where credit’s due, previously mentioned head-canon’s on Trumpet and Rd originated from Stillness-in-green. Good takes and good fic from Stillness, really good stuff. )

[thebrieflysuperbprince]

doing tag venting here tonight i guess. sorry in advance

[rk8connorzz]

"𝐌𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐞 𝐍𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭" 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐫 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Connor decided to come over to hang out a little bit, planning to confess something huge. Something he’s been meaning to do for a while. 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: Sorry for not posting much, I’ve been losing motivation and I’ve been very depressed lately. I had nothing to do so I just wrote something that felt right in the moment.

The glacial wind of Detroit's winter bit violently on my skin. The strong gusts of wind splashed my face, my nose and ears turning a rose color. My balcony was always a sort of safe space for me. I did so much up there. I'm able to see all of the city's glorious lights. I looked down, gazing upon the distant lights. Glowing like fireflies dancing harmoniously in the night sky. Earlier, a friend of mine asked to come over for a little. I had no reason to decline, and his company to me was ... pleasing.

He had texted me earlier he would be coming in around 5 minutes, he wasn't much farther out. “Probably was a shitty idea to drink when he's coming over” I grumbled. My head felt terrible. Like someone was drilling my skull open. I threw down my 2nd glass bottle of the day into the trash can sitting just below my feet. My phone lit up brightly. The white light emitting from the screen burned my eyes, which took a little bit to get used to. When I saw the notification, it was from Connor. 'I'm here!' The message read. 'Hey, Siri. Text Connor "Go ahead and come in."'

The AI on my phone beeped twice, signaling the text was sent. I waited for my door to slide open. I was bent over the stone separating me from falling. When I finally heard the door fly open, I was almost ecstatic to see his face. I waved him over and slid my fuzzy jacket over my arms. "Hello! I'm sorry it took so long, traffic wasn't all great today." We both reunited and embraced each other inside our arms. The heat emitting from his synthetic skin warmed me and held me with such great comfort. "No, it's fine. I was just looking at the lights. Do you ... uh. Wanna watch a movie or something?" I moved over to the kitchen to fix him a quick drink. I know he can't orally intake anything other than thirium since he's an android, and I've had to grow accustomed to that. It's always been a habit of mine to fix my guests a drink out of politeness. I opened up the bag of blue blood and poured it into a wine glass. It was the only glass I had inside of the cabinets.

I walked over to him with the drink in hand. Connor had already sat down in front of the TV. I set down the glass on the coffee table in front of him and slid my body into my brown leather sofa. My head filled with thoughts. I always became slightly nervous in his presence, not really intentionally. "Why did you want to come over?" I partially whispered. The glass was in between two of his fingers. With his other hand, he was circling the rim of the glass. Until he finally brought the glass up to his lips to take a drink. He stuttered his words a little bit and looked over at me. "I just wanted to see you. And ... I guess I have something I've been wanting to tell you." His LED circled yellow, then back to the white-blue shade it's normally at.

Connor seemed nervous. Timider. He's never like this. He's a calm and well-put-together man, and it slightly startled me. 'Did something bad happen?' 'Is he sick of you and he wants to abandon you?' Rushing thoughts filled my head. I hated feeling like this. But I just shrugged it off. I grabbed the remote next to me and flipped through a plethora of movies. "Is there anything you wanna watch?" He shook his head 'no' and waved his hand. "Just turn on whatever, it's all right with me." I sighed and clicked on Hulu to play a movie I've loved since I was a kid. Not a very child-friendly one but, my mother didn't seem to give a shit.

"I've never watched Zombieland. Is it good?" Connor asked. "I'd say so. People would disagree but it has some type of charm to it. And I've always loved zombie movies so, I guess I'm a little biased." He huffed out a laugh and set down his half-drunk glass of thirium. He shook his head and sighed, getting ready to tell me something.

"(Name). I've been deviant for almost a full year, and since Markus gave me that freedom, I've been experiencing all sorts of new emotions. Some of them scare me, some others comfort me. With that deviance, comes some new sides of me. I never thought I had. I never thought I would experience it. I was only built to be a machine, nothing more. Before, when I saw you, I didn't feel much. I couldn't feel even if I really tried. But you started to open my eyes. My world used to be black and white, do or don't. But now, everything seems so much more colorful. All thanks to you. All of these emotions I'm feeling for you. Hank says it's ... love. B-but ... I'm just so scared to say anything just in case I'm confusing feelings that are platonic and nothing more .. I-I this is all so new and frightening I-"

Before he could ramble on more, I cut him off by placing my hand on his leg. Clear tears filled the edges of my eyes, threatening to fall down. His face flipped to look at me in my glossy eyes. I weakly smiled before whispering "I love you too, Connor. I was so scared to admit it at first due to fear. I thought you would never be able to reciprocate those feelings but I-" His thirium flowed flawlessly into his cheeks, lighting them up to glow a beautiful blue shade. I quickly pulled Connor into a bear hug, almost squeezing him. He moved his head over to kiss my head. Then, began his own tears. I gave up on hiding my tears, them now falling down onto my cheeks.

Connor pulled away from the hug and before either of us said anything, he quickly took my lips into his. His hand tangled inside my hair. My hand flew to his cheek, my thumb rubbing it up and down. I slid my head to the side, deepening the kiss. Breathlessly, he pulled away to allow me to breathe. He looked down at the floor and took in a shaky breath. I pulled him into one more gentle hug before whispering,

"I love you."

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, reading your posts made me realize I’m likely an INFJ in a terrible loop. For the last 6 months i’ve been reading about mbti I thought I was INTJ, and every test i tried said it too, but i didnt and still don’t understand Fe vs Te, even after reading your posts. But INFJ in a loop sounds a lot like me. So let’s go with that.

My auxiliary function is suffering. When I’m outside I have this tendency to observe people, the room, their behavior and enjoy dwelling in it, as if I’m reading a novel. It bothers me when someone says or acts rude, when a man bothers a woman like a creep.

In my head i’m so criticizing of other people. And if i’m not criticizing, im acting as if i can read everything about another person. I know this sounds horrible and very narcissistic, but i want to be honest to fix myself. And I know i’m doing this overthinking in social situations to defend myself by acting as if im superior.

But i just observe, i never interact. I havent talked to a single person in my class in university, since im a few years older (24 in a room of 21yo people). Even though i know if i want to socialize thats the right place. I start thinking: if i talk to them, they will get to know me, they will find that i failed or that i dont have a lot of my shit together, and then i will be judged. So why bother. And i know that its so flimsy and stupid. I only made one friend in my old uni before changing courses.

This is not only at university btw. I dont go out in the evenings, or try to meet new people, because i literally have no fucking idea of how to do it without looking like a misfit. My old friends are all very distant now, and while I know many people everything I never really dated, and while i have this insane void of emotional intimacy, i keep rationalising every attempt of experiencing life. I live in a shell.

And the fact i haven’t dated and i’m 24, is so scary. I’m not even ugly or that uninteresting or without hobbies, because people told me the opposite many times, but i dont know why i cant come out of my shell. This is not only about dating, but in general. Im always distant emotionally and end up thinking about it instead of living it. Because im a grown man scared of being judged for my smiles,tears and my love.

I think i have some trauma issues from my teens, when i talked to a girl on facebook for 2 years listening to her problems because i liked her, without ever approaching her irl (because i was a scared teenager idk why). It was a one way thing. I was basically her diary in human form. When i told her my feelings it was too late. After that i ended in a 1 yr depression, and it definitely marked me as a person. I never really opened myself emotionally with anyone else after. Maybe this is not even trauma, it actually feels demeaning to call it as such when other people have suffered more.

This post is a mess. Maybe im just overthinking, and you’ll probably read this and think i need therapy and/or im mistyped . But I really want to break these chains, and hearing an insight from someone who understand people very well could help.

------------------------

If I understand correctly, the main problem is you are closed off and unable to open up. It sounds like you are very afraid of socializing, most likely because you are afraid of being hurt by other people's negative judgments of you (it is a common problem related to unhealthy Fe). There are several factors that may be contributing to this problem:

- Low Self-Worth: You exhibit oversensitivity that arises from using other people's judgments to define your identity and/or determine your personal worth. If you're always worried about how you're being perceived, then you will of course feel anxious about interacting with anyone you're unsure about. This makes it very difficult to meet new people and expand your social circle.

- "Mindreading": You presume to know what others think, without any evidence, easily jumping straight to the worst case scenario. This is a defense mechanism that gives you a false sense of control, as though you're preparing yourself for the worst to happen. As such, you manage to talk yourself out of socializing, losing every opportunity to learn and grow socially.

- Unresolved Past: You've had negative relationship experiences in the past. When you don't resolve negative feelings, learn the right lessons from them, and consciously put the past behind you, you will take the past and project it into the future, expecting it to happen again. This means you are out of touch with reality because you never treat people as NEW people and give them the benefit of the doubt. You assume that people are out to hurt you and you build walls of protection, which conveniently prevents anyone from knowing you and getting close enough to want a relationship with you.

- Lack of Social Skills: It's hard to feel confident when you're incompetent. Even if you were to work up the courage to meet new people, it sounds like you would still lack the skills required to develop the relationship. Immature INFJs often suffer in relationships because of unrealistic ideas and/or unreasonable expectations, which is often related to faulty reasoning patterns (Ti loop). Social skills are called "skills" because anyone can learn and improve them. If you care about being a better version of yourself, you have to be honest about your deficits and apply yourself to learn the knowledge and skills that you need to move forward in life. See the recommended books on the resources page.

While it's possible to work on these issues on your own, it's the more difficult path to take. When you have a serious problem like social anxiety that prevents you from living the life you hope to live, then, yes, it is best to reach out for professional expertise and assistance. People aren't born knowing everything, so everyone needs help at some point and there is no shame in getting it. As long as you keep trying to convince yourself that your needs don't matter or that your problems aren't as serious or serious enough to warrant attention, you will continue to dig your own grave of unhappiness. How long do you want to go through life with these problems weighing you down and holding you back?

[sugxrslushy]

Taking Care of An S/O In a Depressive Episode

➪ a/n: I’ve been slipping in and out of depressive episodes as of lately which is such a bitch to deal with. what’s better than writing very self indulgent hcs with my comfort characters

➪ includes: Law, Ace & Sanji (w/ gn! reader)

➪ warnings: none, just comfort! not proofread

Trafalgar D. Law

He knows what’s going on the minute you start to become distant and quieter. Even if you shoo him away, telling him you’re doing fine and don’t need him to worry about you he still is persistent in checking you over

You’re in good hands, he wants nothing more to make sure you’re safe and okay. Although he tends to slip into doctor mode instead of loving boyfriend mode when you open up to him, it’s just his way of making sure you’ll be okay

Patience is key, he doesn’t rush you to do things or complain when you don’t have the motivation to complete your tasks. Law just remind you there’s always tomorrow to try

Most of the time he takes up the job himself or makes one of the other members of the crew do it if he’s too busy. He doesn’t tell you to avoid making you feel guilty

The ambience of the polar tang probably doesn’t help, being stuck in the dark abyss of the ocean for weeks on end can be tedious so he makes sure to make stops on islands so you can get a breath of fresh air and appreciate life above the ocean

Although you can get away with not doing your tasks, there’s no way you can avoid self care. If he has to carry you off to take a bath he will

It’s an oddly tender moment, his sleeves rolled up his arms exposing his tattoos while he lathers soap into your hair. Then carefully washing it out, taking his time to avoid getting soapy water in your eyes

He’ll dry you off with the fluffiest towel and let you curl up in his lap while he works till you dry off or fall asleep, occasionally he’ll rub your back comfortingly

Portgas D. Ace

A lovable himbo, he doesn’t catch on that quickly but is still worried. He’ll pout and collapse beside you in your bed, trying to convince you into joining him on the island the ship had docked at

Soon enough his worry gets the best of him and he’ll ask Marco to check in on you to make sure you weren’t sick. He’s infinitely more worried when Marco tells him what’s going on

He can relate though, growing up he was filled with his own self hatred. But it hurts so much more to see the person he loves the most feeling that way

Ace tries his best to keep you involved and interact with you, whenever he can he’ll drop by to talk to you and tell you all the things the crew has been doing

Humor is his approach, blowing the crew's antics out of proportion to try and draw a smile out of you. It makes him happy to hear the sweet sound of your laugh finally

If you’re tired and unmotivated, he’ll coax you into taking a nap with him out on the deck to try and get you out of your cocoon of blankets

It’s a pleasant experience, cuddled up against his warm chest, his hat placed on your face to shade you from the bright rays of the sun that warms up your skin. The faint sound of seagulls squawking and waves crashing against the hull

A bird has shit on him once and he would’ve been a lot madder if it wasn’t for you bursting into uncontrollable laughter

Every small accomplishment you make towards getting better is met by excited praise from your boyfriend. His smile is blinding as he tells you how incredibly proud he is of you

Vinsmoke Sanji

He notices, but is unsure of how to approach. Of course, he’d be willing to drop to his knees at an instant and give you all his love in his heart, but he doesn’t want to approach it the wrong way.

Subtly he’ll bring it up with Chopper to look into it. The doctor would of course have a better understanding of how to go about things and make sure you’ll end up feeling better

It shatters his heart to hear Chopper inform him of what’s wrong. You’re the most perfect and amazing thing in his life and he can’t bear to see you feeling this way

“My love, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?” He gently holds your face in his hands and kisses along your cheeks, humming as he does

It’s even worse for him with how he understands how you feel. He’d never wish that pain on anyone he loves, especially you

Your every wish is his command. It doesn't matter how outlandish it could be, he’s 100% willing to do it if it’ll help you in any way. He treats you like royalty the whole time

He cooks you only the most lavish and intricate meals, he believes that eating right plays a major role in your mood. But he won’t shame or pressure you if you don’t eat what he prepares you

Anyways your bottomless pit of a captain helps prevent anything from going to waste

And he doesn’t mind making you a meal whenever you’d like. Even when the whole crew has retired to bed and it’s just the two of you in the kitchen, you wrapped up in a warm blanket while he cooks and talks to you kindly

He’ll brush out your hair to avoid it matting, being overly careful to avoid causing any pain when the brush catches on a knot.

[cryptoriawebb]

After spending like a week babbling to a friend about my OctoGoblin feels, I figure I may as well share them with everyone here. I’ve developed my own little headcanon backstory and I love it.

I was originally going to wait and maybe write some of these in fiction form but I’m recovering from an aggravated head injury and I have no idea when I’ll get back to writing properly. 

This is not spoiler-free, as I go through the first two Raimi films and No Way Home. This also touches a little on triggering content, so read at your own discretion.

As I said in a previous post, I’ve been fascinated by the news Otto and Norman were college rivals. Even without that bit of info, they did seem to have a history in No Way Home. Like beyond an “I knew about you through the news” situation. 

If they were college rivals, I like the idea that maybe their rivalry started as friendly, and overtime grew more serious and heated as sexual tension stirred between them. I think they acted on it once - probably late at night after some kind of celebration or maybe to relieve stress during finals. In my head, Norman is a closeted gay man due to a choatic/abusive upbringing (borrowing from his comic history for this.) He couldn’t handle the shame/anxiety and Noped the fuck off that train.

Otto is bi and more open to exploring so he was really hurt by this; as a result, their rivaly spiraled into something really nasty. Otto eventually had to cut Norman out of his life for his own peace of mind. Eventually, he fell in love with his future wife Rosie, whom he also met in college. I like the headcanons I’ve seen floating around where all three knew each other - kinda like a Peter, Harry and MJ situation in the first Spidey film.

So years go by and Norman, who is bad at being vulnerable and articulating his feelings, follows the traditional narrative of marrying a woman and having a kid because that’s what’s expected by a certain economic class (at least, that’s what he tells himself.) He’s unhappy and depressed but pushes it down by focusing on work. Obviously, this backfires as that approach leads to divorce and a distant relationship with his son. Otto, meanwhile, thinks Norman’s wealth and ego have gone to his head.

Fastforward to the first Raimi film - Norman takes the enhancement serum, develops the Goblin personality (who I think might’ve always been there in some form to help him survive his childhood) and people start dying. Towards the end of the movie, things are really getting out of hand - Norman, desperate and realizing he’s losing the fight for the driver’s seat if you will, calls the only other brilliant mind he thinks can help him: Otto Octavius. He doesn’t make it very far in his explanation - Goblin, feeling threatened, takes over and forces him to hang up.

Otto knows something is wrong though - Norman NEVER lets his walls down and that man sounded terrified over the phone. Otto reluctantly breaks his no contact and heads over there. 

Only it’s Goblin who answers, composed and cold as ever. He kinda forcefully insists nothing is wrong and spews a bunch of verbal barbs to ensure any door between them stay shut. 

So the movie ends, Norman dies and Otto hears about it on the news. It’s a shock that really hurts, but it also raises suspicions. He hasn’t forgotten about that night and I think he starts trying to unravel the mystery of what happened to Norman. Befriending his son is part of that.

I think it haunts him that maybe he missed something but also he’s angry and conflicted about being shut out and confronted with all those what-ifs and unresolved feelings. Not sure if he attends Norman’s funeral...

Then his own accident occurs in Spider-man 2: Rosie dies and he finds himself in a similar situation to Norman (alone, reputation damaged, miserable.) I’m sure Otto read about Oscorp’s goings-on in the first movie. 

Shortly after this, he’s pulled into the MCU.

I still don’t know how deep Otto was in solving this mystery so i’m not sure if seeing the Goblin on the bridge in full gear is what finally put the pieces together, or if he knew about it beforehand. Like I said in a previous post, I’m pretty darn sure Peter and Harry kept Norman’s double life to themselves.

Anyway, when Norman and Otto actually SEE each other again, Otto is in full defense mode because a) holy shit it cannot be Norman, he died and b) Norman looks, well, homeless and half out of his mind. Which, despite the voices in Otto’s own head, he notices.

Then you have poor Norman who is scared to trust anything around him, including himself, but Otto is a familiar face and I think he’s so worn down at this point he does tentatively (and a little desperately) try to reach out to him--like a lost puppy needing comfort. 

Maybe they try to talk a few times, and maybe even get somewhere in Happy’s apartment, but it’s awkward and they’re both so different and now Otto is the distant one because how can Norman act like everything is okay? Even so, he’s also concerned because wow this is not the same man who was once a CEO. Maybe Norman tries to confide in Otto about any worries he has about “his darker half” but Otto is so distracted and miserable, he doesn’t really listen. A lot has happened since that phone call in 2002.

I wonder if Norman talks to Peter as well...they were working on the inhibitor chip together, after all. Maybe he shares a little bit about the Otto he remembers </3

Then Peter installs the chip, Otto’s mind clears and the Goblin wakes up and then everything makes sense. And now Otto has this dilemma of doing the right thing while trying to save Norman’s soul at the same time. He knows what it’s like to be broken and haunted by demons.

Like, where did he go after the disaster at Happy’s Apartment? Did he try to feign his dark side a little longer to keep tabs on the others? Did he go after Norman specifically? There are so many possibilities.

Maybe when they get back to their own time, they can help heal each other, depending on where they end up...

I’m still working on that part. Is Norman sent back to 2002 and Otto to 2004? Are they sent back to the same year since they established a connection through the multiverse? So many different ways to explore this...

I’ve been snooping around the fandom and I kinda like the idea that the Goblin personality doesn’t actually go away. Kinda like, while Norman is no longer a super soldier, the damage to his mind is done. So now he’s gotta digest that and learn to live with it and hopefully rehabilitate his Goblin half. Maybe Otto can help with that - he’s seen more of Norman now than anyone else in the Raimiverse. 

Like I said, I’ll have to think about the aftermath a little more, but I thought I’d share what I have. I haven’t shipped anyone in the MCU (multiverse or otherwise) in years, so this caught me by surprise, but I love these two characters and I love all of these possibilities...

Feel free to tell me what you think! Just uh, please be nice ^^; we all have to coexist on this platform.

[stellocchia]

Got some sleep, so now I'm on the Manifold grind!

Stream starting with Jack spending his birthday alone, drinking in his empty hotel is... quite depressing man...

"I don't think I left this room in 80 days" damn, welcome to the world of depression man...

He's wearing the L'Manburg uniform as well. Haven't seen that since Tommy's death

He's gonna tour the smp

He also keeps having "momentary blindness" (the screen going black) and I'm pretty sure he decided it's canon

Jack and Shroud one interaction my beloved <3 ("We're the only one on the server, guess that means we gotta become friends" yes, yes you do)

"It's been quiet without him, you know, Tommy. It's been really quiet. I'll be honest I've actually- there's been very little to do with him gone" man... it really does makes you realize how much Jack was reliant on his semblance of a connection to Tommy (the whole "muse" thing Wilbur mentioned in his own stream seems to apply quite a bit for Jack)

Ooooh, he's talking about the heist that he, Quackity, Tommy, and Tubbo did! Man... remember the cartel? Good old days...

Jack just discovered the remanents of the beetroot cult

And now he's going to the museum. Glad that that museum is getting the attention it deserves

Mood immediately going down upon entering the final control room as it usually is. Though Jack wasn't actually there for that but, you know, he joined just one day after

"I miss that part, I miss L'Manburg. This was a lot easier when we all were friends. And, I mean Dream- I mean, there were enemies, sure, but, I don't know, we fought them together. Everyone feels so distant now" I wish c!Phil heard this when talking about his bs on how people are better off now that L'Manburg is gone...

"This [Manifoldland] was my cut of- cut of the woods. And it was untouched as well until I-" o7

And now he's going over where Tommy was exiled through the Nether, trying to find the point where he was killed

*staring into lava* "I don't think I wanna visit this place. I don't think I wanna look at this one. I think I wanna go back. This isn't really where I wanna be" Jack your trauma is showing

"Since when was Tubbo's house back? Didn't Tommy burn that down? I think? It's what Tubbo told me" One of the times for sure, but wasn't it destroyed the final time by Dream? Do I remember that wrong?

"Let's go to Fundy's place. I have not seen him in FOR-EVER. I don't even know what he did. I don't even remember what he did after L'Manburg" In all fairness, Fundy also probably doesn't remember...

Oh yeah, I forgot that Jack was the one who built Fundy's tower. And now it's blown up... man...

"I don't know if you could tell, but I've been pretty purposeless for the past 80 days"

"I just wish that someone would have logged on" See, that's why I say that it would honestly be beneficial for Jack more than anyone if he and Tommy mended their relationship. He just really desperately needs a friend...

"Everything I care about on this server gets blown up or destroyed or taken advantage of or... or they- it betrays me"

"I know Niki became an anarchist or whatever- at least she's happy. At least she's happy" My rocket duo crumbs for the month...

Also, Jack noticing that Quackity's business offer fell through, though, to be fair, Las Nevadas is also without customers and still unfinished

"I've never done anything for me. Anything at all" That's sort of a stretch of course. I mean, he wasn't trying to kill Tommy for someone else. He didn't take over the Hotel for someone else. But I get why it feels that way to him...

And his new objective is to create a place for himself, that caters solely to himself and where he's the only inhabitant, which will not end well for him because clearly isolation has not worked this far either

"No one came looking for me"

Final thoughts under the cut

I genuinely enjoyed the stream. It feels like he brought up quite a few of the stagnation problems there have been with the server lately and he integrated them well in his own storyline. I do hope that this is gonna go somewhere though. Maybe get integrated with the sort of bigger storyline we got going on? The one revolving around Las Nevadas and Quackity in particular at some point. Because it feels like season 3 so far has just been a bunch of loose threads that never gave us any kind of payoff.

[baku-bowl]

broke 1,000 followers (the fuck? I don't even make content people), so decided to write up a list of some (but not all, I'll make other lists later) of my favorite Bakugou-centric fic recs. my tastes run towards hurt/comfort, as you'll probably figure from the list. if there are some Baku-centric fics that you've enjoyed that aren't on here, please add them - this is definitely not a complete list of the ones I've read and love, but I'm always up for some recs. <3

fair warning, most of these are wips.

------------------------------------------------

Social Media 101 by WindsChild8178

Part 1: Survival Guide to Fucking Up

[Solely Bakugou’s point of view]

Katsuki Bakugou doesn’t have a gentle bone in his body. He’s aggressive in everything he does and does everything with 100% of his heart in it. After the Sport’s Festival, Katsuki starts to get harassed by strangers for his unheroic demeanor. It starts with letters but it doesn’t end there. The moment Katsuki realizes the harassment has entered dangerous territory and he needs to tell someone, it’s already too late.

Part 2: Post Traumatic Life Disorder

[Point of View opens up to Bakugou, teachers and classmates]

When the Dorms are finally built, everyone is settling in well, but things become tense as people begin to realize something isn’t right with the recently rescued Bakugou.

[Cannon compliant right up to after the License Exam]

hands down my favorite fic in the fandom right now. it’s the one that converted me into a Bakugou lover. if you have any fondness for Bakugou as a character then it’s likely you’ve read this one already, but if not, I can’t recommend it enough. incredibly depressing, but with the hope that comfort is coming soon in the next few chapters.

The Kids Will Be Alright, Eventually by NotWithThatAttitude

Bakugou is spiraling in the aftermath of Kamino and his friends are starting to notice. He's stubborn, aggressively independent, and less than willing to dig into his past, but after a breakdown that ends with a painful secret revealed, he starts to get help.

Whether he likes it or not.

Meanwhile, a new kind of villain threatens an uneasy peace following the loss of Allmight. Whispers build as a new narrative slowly takes shape:

Hero society needs to change.

Feat. Therapy, Dadzawa, best boy Kirishima, dysfunctional families, healing, growing up, and the mortifying ordeal of being known

guys.. the medical accuracy of this fic is just... *chef’s kiss*

I rarely see mental health genuinely handled well in fics, but this one goes above and beyond. kudos to the author for doing such excellent research into psychology, and making the application of it in here not-boring. also, while this one does have abusive!Mitsuki, it’s done in a way that feels realistic, and how I usually will see it occur in real life, rather than just for the hurt/comfort feels.

fair warning, the fic can be incredibly triggering (themes of severe depression, PTSD, panic attacks, rape survival, abuse survival, suicidal ideation/attempted suicide, among other things), so be safe and heed the tw’s if you decide to read. legitimately one of my Top Favorite fics in this fandom.

Lock and Key by autochorystalize

Bakugou made a choked, gravelly noise before croaking out a low, “You can’t be serious.” His fingers ached to blow up everything in the room.

“I’m sorry, young man, but you can’t change reality! This sometimes happens.” Recovery Girl clicked through his file, adding a new symbol in a previously empty slot.

- - -

A pair of eyes discreetly locked on to an explosive blond plowing his way forward, parting people in his path. He recognized the kid, of course. Anyone in the underbelly of society would recognize him, after the publicity of both UA’s Sports Festival and the events leading up to All Might’s fall. The uniform he was wearing cast away any doubts about the young man’s identity.

It was a bit of a surprise that the little firecracker presented as an omega.

- - - - - - - - -

Or: there are certain types of evil that seemed too distant, archaic violations and perversions that would never actually threaten bright-eyed heroes-in-training in the clean, modern world...but sometimes those evils aren't as distant as one might think.

remember when I said that I love a/b/o fics that are full of plot and world-building and gender-induced tension? that’s this one. the OC’s are fabulous and you love to hate ‘em. also, it’s the fic that made me fall head-over-heels for the TodoBaku dynamic, so it’s got a special place in my cold, dead heart. 

be warned, there are rather explicit non-con scenes between an adult (OC) and a minor (Bakugou) in this one, but the author warns for them in advance, and you could likely skip those parts without missing too much if you need to.

Never and Always, Eventually by Wawa_Boonliang

"Katsuki can remember the exact moment that he and Deku…that he and Midoriya Izuku became friends. He can also remember the moment he and Izuku became fierce rivals, a time when they were almost enemies.

However, what he remembers most clearly about their relationship is the moment that they moved passed rivals and became something more close than mere friends. Something more like brotherhood, something forged in fire and secured in the middle of a battlefield or in the midst of natural disaster where the number of the dead was climbing ever higher. And then it was torn from him."

Katsuki is given a second chance. A chance to save everyone. A chance to change everything.

But should he?

y’all. I’m a slutty, slutty whore for time travel fics. a time travel fic with autistic!coded Bakugou? it was love at first read.

Lessons Learned by Sif (Rosae)

Rather than the police station, Katsuki's friends bring him to a hospital after rescuing him from the villains. His wounds were minor, but it didn't make having them treated any less important. As it would so happen, Best Jeanist was also brought to this hospital after the attack.

Sometimes, small choices have a big impact on how a story plays out.

classic Bakugou hurt/comfort. this fic opened me up to the potential that could be a genuinely good Best Jeanist & Katsuki mentor-mentee relationship, and I kind of dig it and search ravenously for it in other fics now. I’m also a huge fan of the behind-the-scences Pro Hero Chat group.

Slope by sunfleurmoon

“I’m not a hero. Or a good person,” Katsuki says, giving Aizawa a pointed look, “So leave me alone. I don’t care about the League or UA, or you—” The two years he’s been away have been fine, more than fine, fucking fantastic actually if you ignore the bi-monthly near-death experiences. He doesn’t need this place. He doesn’t miss this place.

And yet, longing, a childish desire to tear up, or maybe blow something to bits, they all twist in his chest like a band of traitors regardless. “—I just want to go home.”

Or: the one where Katsuki and Izuku fail the first term exam, Aizawa discovers their pasts, and Katsuki is booted from UA. Featuring questionable descriptions of villain organizations, a slightly illegal moving shop, and your favorite emotionally constipated badass in distress with a newly discovered penchant for collecting strays.

paaaaaaiiiiiiiin. the hurt is ALIVE in this one. lots of tortured, angsty exploding child goodness. the OC’s are excellently crafted, and the Bakugou & Eri relationship? beautiful. definitely deserves a read.

Ground Zero by WindsChild8178

In the wake of Kamino, Katsuki is tested more than anyone could imagine. Bound by a villain’s quirk to keep his silence or die, he lives each day knowing it might very well be his last. He continues to work towards becoming a hero, keeping his secret from his classmates and teachers, focusing on making it through each day and trying not to allow the panic or depression to get the best of him. When the villain finally corners him with demands in exchange for his life, there is really only one answer Katsuki Bakugou can give.

honestly don't know which I want updated more - social media 101 or ground zero. this author's fics are amazing, and I really wasn't expecting the twist in this one. can't wait for windschild to come back to this fic some day.

The Defect by LadyGreenFrisbee

"Why do you want to win the Sports Festival so badly?" 

Because I want to see if the defect could usurp the masterpiece.

(In which Endeavor holds a terrible secret and Bakugo has to suffer since childhood for it.)

a great concept, and I adore the shouto and Katsuki sibling interaction here. hoping the author will come back to this one some day.

A Name That You'll Remember by Heronfem

Kirishima Eijirou is a Hero. Bakugou Katsuki... is not. Trapped in his toxic workplace and increasingly desperate to get out, Red Riot's days are only brightened by a new villain known as Caution, who's not exactly villainous and keeps accidentally doing good deeds. But when a real villain appears, a threat from the past that demands that Red Riot make the ultimate sacrifice to keep the public safe, Bakugou is forced into saving the day... and eventually, Red Riot himself.

sob story good guy villains are my weakness, this fic is a gem, and I'd kill for the sequel.

Our Hero by AnonymousTwit

He felt everything jerk to the side and throw his balance off before he saw anything, dust clouding his vision and irritating his lungs as the earth itself opened up to swallow them whole. For a single moment, in a millisecond's time, his wild eyes locked with Raccoon Eyes', hers alight with fear and adrenaline-fueled desperation. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realized that it was the first time she'd looked at him with something other than long-deserved hatred in days.

And then he was free falling.

Or

After a particularly nasty encounter between childhood friends, the class learns about Bakugou and Midoriya's dark history and practically ostracizes Bakugou while trying to defend Midoriya. An earthquake during an outing has all sides regretting their decisions.

just fucking tear apart my self-sacrificing faves in every way imaginable while their loved ones watch on in terror. 💖🥰💖 this one is heavy on the Bakusquad and Class-1A feels, and VERY heavy on the Mina & Bakugou relationship (platonic).

Running back the tape, watching it replay by Faralyne

For someone ripped from their time, ripped from the few but strong relationships built by time and personal development, by self-reflection and swallowed pride, ripped from the one thing that made him feel worthwhile and needed and put-together, and forced to forge everything over again—Katsuki thinks he is handling it pretty fucking well.

Or

A villain’s quirk sends a 29-year-old Bakugou back in time to his middle school days.

am I a sucker for time travel? yes. am I a sucker for vigilante!bakugou? also yes. am I a sucker for this fic? literally refreshing the page in wait for an update as we speak.

Liability by sandelf

After All-Might dies rescuing Bakugou from the League, Bakugou is determined to prove it wasn't for nothing.

But the world is against him, his grief is overwhelming, and his stability is splitting at the edges.

very self-indulgent bakugou angst. tw for harassment, severe depression, and suicidality.

Special Mentions:

How To Win The Sport Festival: A Step By Step Guide by mhwright

Short re-imagining of the Sports Festival Arc if Shinso had planned a little better and worked a little harder to win the Sports Festival and if the match-ups had been slightly different. Self-indulgent fic of watching him succeed.

this is completely Shinsou-centric, not Bakugou-centric, but I love and adore it and am dying for a sequel. Shinsou is Best Boy here and you'll be rooting for him the whole time.

[aminiatureworld]

Deserving

Characters: Childe, gn!reader

Word Count: 1,651

Warnings: None

Premise: Even those who don’t regret their choices can doubt their worth.

In which Childe feels undeserving.

Author’s Note: Since I’m no longer dying you get a proper length fic. I realized halfway through I didn’t write anything for Diluc’s birthday, but blatant Childe favoritism comes first!

He’d never expected to be in a relationship, expected to spend his entire life serving the Tsaritsa and her purposes, dying for the salvation of Snezhnaya. He had no need for romance, no need for any of those connections that humans did. He’d given that all up the day he’d stepped into the Abyss, and for a long time he’d managed to make it seem like it didn’t matter to him, even to himself. And then he’d met you.

You were the greatest source of Childe’s happiness, offering him a sort of sanctuary, without any attempt to do so. You didn’t treat him as a lesser being, as the automaton he’d turned into; nor would you accept his superiority, determined to be his equal in every way. It was refreshing, to have a relationship unfettered by bureaucracy or by prejudice. But it was also frightening, and the small voice inside Childe that whispered he was no more than a monster was quick to remind him how undeserving he was of your love.

Not that Childe didn’t think that already, that he didn’t feel that emptiness inside of him where had once stood his hope, his innocence, the piece of his humanity that could still believe in a good ending. Sometimes it seemed even his empathy had been sacrificed, and now he had little left of himself. All these feelings had only grown, given encouragement the more time he spent with you, the more time he realized how much was truly missing from himself. And though he tried to ignore these feelings, knowing they weren’t your burden to bear, knowing that he could never change what had happened, he still knew they were there.

 “Are you okay?”

You tugged at the end of Childe’s sleeve, eyes filled with concern. It was a lovely day, right between the beginning of spring and the end of winter. It was colder than it had been the past few days, and you’d taken the lowered temperature as an opportunity to steal Childe’s scarf. The tails flapped about around you, and for a moment Childe’s eyes followed the movement as he attempted to come up with something to say.

“I’m perfectly fine my dear. Simply a little tired.”

“A long day at work?”

“A long week. The servants of the Tsaritsa never sleep, as you know firsthand.” Childe smirked, ruffling your hair. The movement seemed to distract you, and as you batted at his hands, grumbling as usual about his work, the Harbinger wondered if it wasn’t dishonest of him to lie about such a thing.

 “I’m sorry I have to go again.” Childe smiled apologetically, checking his belt to make sure his wax and extra bow strings were there.

“It’s alright.” You smiled, leaning over to give Childe a quick peck on the cheek.

Childe smiled back, before leaning down to kiss you properly. He wondered if you could feel all the love he held towards you, if his lips could convey his regret not just in words. He wondered if one day these fleeting kisses would be enough to sate the distance between the two of you each time he left.

“I’ll write to you as soon as I find a mailbox.” He said, withdrawing slightly, hand still grazing your hip.

“I’ll try to reply.”

“Try?”

“No promises.” You teased.

“The audacity! Honestly, how do I ever put up with you?”

“Because you love me?”

“Yes.” Childe pressed one last kiss to your forehead. “Because I love you.”

If only my love were enough to keep us united, he added in his mind, too apprehensive to let those words be released into the air.

 My dear,

How very boring things are without you. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I’m not working in a glorified daycare, my subordinates more uncontrollable with every passing day. One must wonder if it’s even worth it to whip them into shape, for they make poor sparring partners. If you were here you’d knock every single one of them on the ground, before they could even wonder what an adventurer was doing in a Fatui camp. Maybe I’ll invite you next time, we’ll make it happen.

Childe couldn’t express truly the solace he found in writing to you. It was easier to write sometimes than talk, and it was easier to send his words out to you than rely on the memories of what had already happened. More than that it was the one thing that reminded him of his outside existence, of his world beyond the camp grounds and the men and women who dragged their feet around him, no wish to fight in them, only the wish to get a few hours more sleep. It was a depressing existence, if Childe were honest with himself. It’d become even more depressing, now that he missed you.

He set down his pen for a moment, sighing at the ink which was now frozen in its jar. Where were you now? Were you happy? Did you miss him? Did you resent the fact that he was gone? Three weeks was nothing to a member of the Fatui, how long had Childe been in Liyue before he met you, and yet now those weeks seemed interminable. And if it seemed so to him, he who was used to the isolation, then what would it be like for you?

The Harbinger sighed. Placing a blank sheet on top of his letter he stood up. He never got that much time to write letters. Maybe that was why they weren’t really any good. But you didn’t mind. Didn’t you?

 It was dark when he stepped off the ship and onto the docks of Liyue. Night had fallen, and the lanterns were lit, casting a familiar glow on the city which Childe had come to appreciate so much. Taking a pocket watch out of his pack he checked the time, cursing when he realized how truly late it was. Hurrying up the ramp he didn’t bother to look behind at the subordinates who were also plodding towards the city. If they got lost it was their fault.

The door opened silently, something that made the Harbinger breathe out a sigh of relief. Hopefully he wouldn’t wake you up. Setting down his things he smiled slightly to himself. It’d certainly be a surprise, you waking up to him next to you. Hopefully you’d forgive him for not waking you at 4 in the morning. Walking slowly down the hall, hoping that the occasional creaks weren’t audible, Childe slid open the door to the bedroom you shared.

The first thing he noticed was the chill of the room, something that surprised him. The next thing he noticed was the door to the balcony open. The third thing was you, leaning against the railing, gaze pointed towards the inky sky, expression somewhat distant. He didn’t move for a moment, taking in this small moment of intimacy. You looked beautiful, face glowing slightly from the distant lanternlight, expression serene, a soft smile playing at the edges of your mouth. And yet there was something opaque in your eyes, something that Childe couldn’t quite touch upon. It shook him out of his thoughts, and caused him to call out softly to you.

“I’m home.”

You started for a moment, spinning around to meet the Harbinger’s gaze. For a moment you were still, but then a sort of cry left your lips, as you barreled into Childe’s chest. He just as soon wrapped his arms around you, sighing softly, for the moment feeling nothing but pure bliss, pure love.

“You’re home.”

“I am.”

“I’ve missed you so much.” You drew back, expression ecstatic.

“I’ve missed you too.”

For a moment Childe hesitated, not wanting to break this moment, not wanting to go down that path of doubt, of fear and uncertainty. Yet he was tired, and slightly emotional. If he regretted it later so be it, he had to ask the question that burned in the back of his mind, the question that had once more reappeared upon seeing your expression.

“Am I worth waiting for?”

“Oh Ajax.” your reaction was immediate as you wrapped your arms once more around him, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. “Always, you’re always worth waiting for.”

“But I’m away for so long. And when I’m here I’m still bound to my duties as a Harbinger. Nor can I shed that part of me when I’m not doing my job. I cannot get back those pieces of me that would make me a better lover, a better person. What if I’m just not worth it?”

“Don’t talk like that!” You let out a small sigh, that opaque expression once more visible in your eyes. “I wish you wouldn’t talk like that. You aren’t missing anything, you aren’t worth any less than me or any other person. You’re loyalties might be… unconventional –”

“You mean wrong to most?”

“I mean unconventional. And yes even wrong. There may be parts of your work I hate, things I wish you wouldn’t do or have to do. But I don’t wish for you to change. You. Childe. Ajax. You are who you are, and that is the person I’ve fallen in love with. It’s a choice I made, and I don’t question it, don’t regret it. So neither should you.”

“Are you sure?” Childe knew he was probably being annoying, but he didn’t care. Neither did you, it seemed, for you simply shook you head, an exasperated expression on your face.

“Yes. I will always be sure.”

Childe nodded, feeling as if a weight had been lifted from off his back. Suddenly he was aware of how very tired he was. Stifling a yawn he smiled once more.

“It’s late. We should go to sleep.”

“Yes,” you smiled, closing the balcony door and sliding the curtains closed, “we should.”

[klvbxlove]

quietness (investigation team x gn! reader)

a/n: honestly, this drabble was not planned at all. but for the past days, i had been feeling really down, so i figured the best and easiest way to somehow vent (?) my feelings was making this drabble. also, i know it might not sound like this is actually an investigation team x reader, but i put that there just because. 

(damn, this is a really large GIF. but this is the only one i can find with all the investigation team members 😅)

reader type: gender neutral

reader specification(s): reader is an introvert

genre(s): angst

trigger warning(s): mentions of self-doubting thoughts, mentions of unworthiness

summary: a week ago, you left inaba for osaka without telling your friends, the investigation team. but before that you wrote them a letter talking about everything you’ve been feeling prior to moving.

word count: 1.3k words

♡ ♡ ♡ (ꈍᴗꈍ)ε｀*) ♡ ♡ ♡

key:

(f/n) = friend’s name (y/n) = your name

♡ ♡ ♡ (ꈍᴗꈍ)ε｀*) ♡ ♡ ♡

   To any one of you who reads this, 

   I will have to be completely honest. I didn’t want to tell you guys about what’s going on. But I felt like I just had to, but not over text. That’s why I will write this as a letter instead. 

   Just in case (F/N) hasn’t told you guys, I gave this letter to them the day I seemed to have vanished and asked them to keep it secret for a while. They would only be able to show it to one of you ONLY if you began wondering where I’ve gone. 

   So now that you’ve begun reading this, you’re probably curious. Where have I been? Why did I suddenly disappear without a trace?

   First and foremost, I’m not in danger. I’m perfectly safe, and so is my family. It’s just that I’m no longer living in Inaba anymore. A few weeks ago, one of my guardians got a new job near Osaka, and we had to move so they could be closer to the workplace. 

   But enough about that. I didn’t write this letter only to tell you where I’ve gone. I figured I could vent out my feelings to you guys and explain how I’ve been feeling lately for the past few months.

   See, when I had moved to Inaba a few months ago, I thought it would be a nice place to settle, especially since I’m an introvert. I mean, think about it. City life might sound a bit draining for someone like me, right? And I know many people here regard Inaba as a quiet place in the middle of nowhere, but I mean, I liked it! I did not hate living in the city or anything (It was nice at times, to be honest.), but I thought that living in a quieter area would also be good for me. 

   I had those thoughts just a few weeks after settling down here. And it took me less time to fully get comfortable. I mean, sure, it was a bit unusual to not hear many sounds in the town compared to the city, but I didn’t mind. It was nice! 

   But that’s where things took a not-so-great turn for me. For the next few months, I had been crying to sleep almost every night. Making sure to be as quiet as possible, I would sob non-stop in my pillow. And it would go up to the point where I just exhausted myself. At first, I thought that maybe it was just my emotions messing with me. It happens on a few occasions. I figured, if I just settle down with myself, I would feel better. That was just it, right? That I would be alright in a few days?

   Yeah, no. 

   My usual routine of crying every night became consistent. I’m not sure if anyone was able to tell, though. I mean, I did hide the fact that I was feeling down. Around people, I didn’t act overly happy, but I didn’t act depressed either. To put it simply, I was just fine. 

   Right then and there, that was when I realized that maybe Inaba is not the place for me. I appreciated the quiet this town has to offer (and of course, I would never hold a grudge against this rural area). However, I just hated the silence. I guess it was making me feel more alone than I used to be for some odd reason. And usually, I’m not that bothered about being alone. Yet lately, I just hated it. I hated being in my room in all this silence. 

   And I know I could have told you guys about my struggles. I am NOT trying to indicate that any of you would try to ignore me (or anyone else in our friend group, really) if I was crying out for help; I know you guys would never. There was just the fear of being a burden. I know you guys have days where you’re either busy or need to deal with other personal things. I would feel bad if I ever added more to your plate. And it was also why I was so quiet whenever we hung out. I had a gut feeling that whatever I said didn’t matter.

   Honestly, hearing about the fact that I was moving to Osaka, arguably one of the largest cities in Japan, did excite me a little bit. Maybe I was more accustomed to living in a city rather than a rural town. 

   Now that I got to say all of that, I wanted to say I’m sorry. 

   I know it seemed like I had no trust in you. 

   I know I wasn’t comfortable ranting or venting about anything to you. 

   I know I’ve been distant from you for the past weeks. 

   And I know I must have worried you when you thought I went missing.

   For everything I’ve mentioned here, I’m very, very sorry.   

   But then again, I feel like it wouldn’t make anything much better. I know you guys probably feel like I treated you as fake friends and that I was pushing myself away from you. Hell, I bet everyone is probably mad at me. You probably have no plans on forgiving me anytime soon. I understand.

   However, I also just wanted to thank you guys for being one of the best friend groups ever. I’m honestly a bit picky about the people I open up with, but you guys managed to break that wall. And for that, I am grateful. Maybe one day, I’ll talk to you guys again. And maybe, we can all hang out just like we used to. Only if you want me to, that is.

   But until then, goodbye.

   (Y/N). 

-

   It had officially been a week since you wrote that letter and gave it to (F/N). You had no idea if any of the Investigation Team members ever wondered where you went or if they cared at all. But chances are, they probably did not. After all, you were arguably one of the quietest members ever, so how were they supposed to know what you have been through before you moved?

   Sighing, you closed the book you were reading and walked over towards the window. While your new house was still a bit farther from the city, you could still see the tall buildings from afar. Night had settled down in Japan, and the sky was pitch black while illuminated by the stars. 

   If there was one thing you had missed about living in the city, it was the sounds that you heard during the night. Was it loud? No. But was it dead silent? Of course not! You could almost describe it as the Goldilocks zone. Osaka was not too loud nor too silent.

   After a small smile grew on your lips, you suddenly let out a yawn. It was time to sleep. You had a long day ahead of you tomorrow. So you closed the curtains of the window, walked over towards your bed, and crawled into it. From what you have noticed, you have not been crying every night as often as you used to back in Inaba. Sure, a few tears trickled here and there. But it was not up to the point where the only way you could fall asleep was by sobbing. 

   Osaka seemed to be the perfect place for you to live. You could only hope that your emotions will begin to improve now that you are in a city again. It was clear it was not going to happen overnight. That was for sure, but you would be patient. 

   Of course, you were sad that you were miles away from the Investigation Team. However, you hoped that they were doing well, wherever they were. 

   And you could not forget to mention that you stood by what you last said in your letter to them. Maybe one day you would have the courage to talk to them more often and hang out just like you used to.

[sorryimanon]

Pairings: Bakugou Katsuki x fem!Reader, Izuku Midoriya x NB!Reader

Warnings: some angst, FLUFF, and our boys being the best boys.

In which they comfort you after a rough day or week

A/N: im sorry if Izukus section is shorter than Bakugou’s. trying to practice writing other characters. enjoy!

Saturday's are reserved strictly by the majority of the girls from class 1-A, leaving the guys to hibernate inside their dorms as they allow the commencement of girls night. You've never rain checked nor rejected the idea of spending  quality time with your friends, considering all the tribe's and trepidation's everyone has endured together during their time at the academy. It's nice to just strip away the stress and dip your toes in pure relaxation.

Unfortunately, you woke up with a bad case of cloudy thoughts. For the past week you've been carrying the weight of dread, causing your mood to drastically change throughout the day. You'd be having a civil conversation with someone one minute and then the next minute you're completely irritated by their presence. You've tried to balance it out and fix it overnight with the regimes you researched on the internet. A new sleeping schedule, healthier diet, yoga, and even went to the extreme of writing in a journal. It was all so cut throat and prestigious, nothing close to your liking. Katsuki made fun of you for it one day when he snuck into your room and read the many inscriptions in your journal entries.

"This stuff reminds of Deku. Always shoving his nose in that stupid notebook of his," he didn't care much to hear your refutes about Izuku. "Anyways, what's with all this depressing shit you are writing? You don't really feel this way do you?"

You didn't give him a definite answer that day. Only a curt "no" and he resumed rambling about his day like nothing happened, having you listening with his voice like white noise going in one ear and out the other.

And that's how it went on throughout the duration of the prior week before Saturday.

Inside the confinement of your dorm, you made the rational decision to sleep in instead of attending classes. The chilling thoughts kept you up all night, never once allowing sleep to take full throttle. You tossed and turned around on your bed, unable to shut off your brain. So when you woke up in the peak of late afternoon, you weren't surprised to see the unread messages on your phone. All of them were from your explosive boyfriend.

King Explosion🤍: Oi you running late? Mr.Sleepy head is taking roll call

King Explosion🤍: y/n where tf r u?

King Explosion🤍: fine don't answer me ig

King Explosion🤍: are you at least coming down for lunch? i made curry last night and imma make you finish it

King Explosion🤍: fking hurry before dunce face eats it

King Explosion🤍: nvm he ate it 😐

Katsuki never intended for the message to be funny. He's probably blowing actual steams of smoke through his nostrils and ears while chasing kamanari amongst the halls. The comical imagery made you laugh harder. At least he made you crack a smile. You haven't shown any emotions let alone a hint of enthusiasm for tonight.

Maybe it'd be best to sit this one out.

"Hey, we're missing a person! Where's my y/n?" Mina asked after scanning the group of girls huddled around on the carpeted floor.

Momo shifted uncomfortably on the cushioned pillow she stole from the couch. "Y/N said she wasn't feeling too well to join us for tonight. Something about food poisoning and throwing up every hour."

In unison all the girls gasped, along with a concerned 'ribbit' from Tsuyu.

"Well I hope she gets to feeling better. I wouldn't want her to endure such sickness for much longer," Tsuyu croaked out.

Everyone in the circle agreed and promised to pay a visit later in the night to check on you.

On the fourth floor, Katsuki stared blankly at his phone, hands shaking due to the repressed anger he's been holding. Each of the messages he sent previously were all left on read, including the one he sent an hour ago asking if he could have a cuddle session with you before girls night. Yes, even an ill tempered guy such as him enjoys sappy shit like cuddling. After pacing back and forth in his room for a solid 5 minutes, he was now dead set on confronting you in front of your friends.

Katsuki made a beeline for the elevator and aggressively pressed the 1st floor button repeatedly in hopes it'll make the process go quicker. He reached the commons area in precision time, overhearing the girls giggle after someone suggested playing truth or dare. He towered over Uraraka's figure, casting a demonic shadow version of himself in the circle. Hagakure shrieked and clung onto Jirou.

"Where's y/n you extras?" He demanded, voice deafening the brunette under him.

"She didn't come tonight. She's in her dorm room sick," Jirou explained to him as she tried pry the invisible girl off her arm.

"Like hell she's sick!" Katsuki spun around quickly and retreated back to the elevator, mumbling obscenities under his breath. "She's going to pay for being so careless and irresponsible."

The commons room fell silent once the explosive blonde disappeared behind the doors of the elevator, all eyes searching each other in complete shock. Uraraka was the first to speak out of the small group.

“Should we warn y/n that Bakugou is coming for her?”

Jirou averted her gaze to the direction bakugou left off from, a ghost of a smirk spreading on her face.

“Nah. Knowing y/n, she can handle the asshole on her own.”

King Explosion🤍: can i come over? i wanna cuddle, i miss u

The text message kept flashing behind your eyes every-time you closed them - a sad image of Katsuki waiting impatiently for you to reply back with a heart or one of those unusual memes he unapologetically adores. You knew he’d be furious, no doubt about it, but you rationalized your decision and concluded it would be best to avoid your boyfriend like the plague till this undesired feeling dissipates. Katsuki doesn’t do well with people being emotional, let alone handle his own emotions for god’s sake.

Your own thoughts were interrupted by someone raping the outside of your door. The continuous knocks made your head spin, a painful sting ghosting back and forth between your eyes. Remembering back to an hour ago, you messaged one of the girls that you weren’t going to make it to tonight’s session. Surely they respected your wishes and continued on with their hangout? But you forgot about the one person who’s persistent and stubborn like a cat.

“I know you’re in there y/n! You may have fooled your idiotic friends with a lie, but you keep on forgetting you’re terrible at lying!” Katsuki hollers against the wood of the door, not once being considerate of those living above her.

He’s right. You’re absolutely horrible at making up excuses for yourself. Dating someone as intuitive as him will be the death of you.

“If there’s something going can you at least let me in? You can’t ignore me forever y/n.”

Again, he’s right.

You slipped out from the comfort of your bed and padded towards the door, mentally preparing for the blonde to scold you once he enters your room. What you weren’t prepared for was the tears swelling up in the ducts of his vermillion eyes - his hands clenched tightly into fists as he looked down at you. Your breathing hitched when his arm outstretched to rest on the door frame to keep his trembling body steady.

“What the hell y/n? Why the fuck have you been ignoring me?! Did I do something wrong?!” He asked, not caring about his current appearance.

You grab ahold of his other arm and absentmindedly started rubbing it affectionately, trying to coax him into calming down. “Katsuki no! You didn’t do anything wrong! Why would you think that?”

“Because dumbass, you’ve been distant this past week,” he paused, choking on his words. “Are...are you breaking up with me?”

Your eyes shot up instantly at his horrifying assumption. “Katsuki, if I tell you the truth, will you promise not to make things worse for me?”

He tilted his head in confusion, but nodded once you led him into your messy bedroom. Once inside, your boyfriend plopped down on your bed, watching intently as you anxiously bit down on your nails - a nervous habit you picked up at the beginning of the school year.

“I’ve been feeling weird lately. Ever since the beginning of last week. I don’t know how to describe it but, my brain is constantly feeding into my already negative state. Telling me things I know aren’t true but I’ve convinced myself they are. Almost as if a grey cloud is hovering above me,” tears were already starting to pour down your cheeks. “I just...I just feel so miserable and lonely and useless and irritated and- I’m so sorry for ignoring you. You probably want nothing to do with me after this!”

You manage to turn away from the sight of the blonde during your speech, ashamed of pouring out your emotions onto a person who disregards other peoples emotions and constitutes them as a quote on quote “pussy”.

From behind, you can hear faint shuffling nearing your already shaken up figure. A pair of muscular arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you into a wall that could only be described as his own chiseled chest, doing the same as you did moments ago with his arm - lulling you to calm down a notch before he stared speaking.

“If you been feeling this way, why lie when I asked you a few days ago after reading your journal?”

“I know how you are, Katsuki. You get very uncomfortable when people talk about their feelings. So, why should I be any different?”

Your boyfriend suddenly maneuvers you around in the circle of his arms, shifting to where you’re now making direct eye contact with him. His gaze intense and unwavering.

“Because you’re my girlfriend? I don’t give a rats ass about any of these extras. When it comes to you, I’d make an exception for. I made that promise to myself when we first started seeing each other. So don’t think for a second that I’ll disregard your true feelings, dumbass.” He stepped a couple of inches backwards, ankles eventually hitting the bottom of your bed - making him fall and dragging you along with him. You landed on top of him, head still buried in the depths of his hard chest. The vibrations of his chuckle shook your whole body. Katsuki gently titled your head to be leveled with his, a red tint of blush painting his pallid cheeks.

“I’m being serious though. Don’t be afraid to come to me when things get tough, okay? I love you too much to see you like this.”

Next thing you knew your boyfriend stole your breath away by meshing his plump lips onto yours, hands snaking their way into your hair and carefully massaging it. By all means, you let him have his way with you by kissing the sadness away, tears puddling together cheek on cheek.

He let go eventually, pecking a quick chaste kiss on the side of your mouth before hauling you further into the bed. You settled on letting him spoon you, knowing how much he likes the feeling of your backside pressed against him, and the fruity aroma of your hair infiltrating his senses.

“I promise Katsuki,” you said after some time during the cuddle session.

He shifted in his spot, head placed firmly in the crook of your neck. “Promise what?”

“That I’ll come to you when these thoughts return again. I should trust you by now, and I need to not let these emotions ruin everything in my life. I love you that much.

Your confession swelled the very last evidence of Katsuki being a human being, his heart.

He smiled weakly to himself and nuzzled more into your shoulder, brushing his warm lips against the tender skin. “You better, dumbass.”

-

Today was just so exhausting, and the big fat 'D-‘ written in red ink on your final report was the icing on the cake. To make things even worse, Aizawa reminded the whole class before the exam that this was to determine wether or not if you'll be joining the training camp that'll commence the following winter break.

Hopefully this was one of your teacher's terrible deception tactics into making everyone do their absolute best, go plus ultra even. But to your dismay, he was indeed very serious of the matter this time.

It wasn't your fault, not entirely. You stayed up all night listening to another one of your boyfriends rambles, the conversation lasting till 2 am. Izuku grew worrisome and anxious ever since his encounter with a gruesome villain, thus resulting in him to pour his emotions out onto you. Poor baby kept mentioning the safety of All Might and you.

Solemnly, you left class and trailed back to your dorm room, wanting to ignore the jovial atmosphere inside the cramped room as everyone traded and talked about their scores.

Izuku noticed you leaving abruptly and got up from his desk to follow you behind, bidding a quick goodbye to his friends.

Your room was dark and dramatically colder than usual, a trickle of light threatening to pour in from the cascading sunset. You laid down on your stomach with one of your pillows propped on your head, in hopes to shield away anyone from seeing your ugly-crying face.

Too late because Izuku was already standing outside your dorm room, swaying back and forth on his feet while biting down harshly on his lip. He can hear your soft cries seeping through the door. He doesn't know why he's hesitating, he's your boyfriend after all.

Moments later you hear the acute sounds of someone knocking on your door, followed by the soft spoken voice of your green haired boyfriend.

"Baby? Can I come in? I-If that's okay with you I m-mean! It's alright if you need some space but you left class so early I figured something happened to you and I got really worried because you always wait for Iida and uraraka to walk us back to the dorms as a group and maybe it had something to do with what I was telling you last night-."

You crack the door just a smidge before fully opening it, revealing your bloodshot eyes and tear stained shirt to him. His breathing hitched once his eyes fixated on your disheveled state. 

"Can you comfort me? I need you right now Izuku," your voice cracked a little, throat still tight after the crying session.

His strong, lean arms wrapped around your body momentarily, encasing you into a bear hug. Hugs from Izuku were amazing, no exceptions. He placed a quick peck on the crown of your forehead.

"C'mon, let's get inside and snuggle. How does that sound?" he asked as he unwrapped himself and took your trembling hand, leading you back inside the dimly lit room.

Izuku laid you gently down on your side once reaching the bed, crawling alongside with you before  draping the covers over the both of you. His familiar hands snake around your waist and nudges you to roll over. You obliged and shifted your body to face his, sparkly green eyes staring straight at you.

"Tell me, what's wrong baby? Does it have to do with the recent exam?" his thumb started tracing delicate lines on your hips, your uniform long gone and now replaced with comfortable clothes instead.

"I failed Izuku...I did so terrible on the written exam. I kept falling in and out of sleep during the test that I didn't have time to finish the middle portion of it," you exhaled a shaky breath. "Who knows what'll happen on the practical. I'll probably fail that too...I'm such a failure compared to everyone."

Izuku grabbed the tender flesh of your cheeks and directed your vision to level with his. He looked angry and concerned.

"Don't say that y/n! You're not a failure! That exam doesn't determine wether or not if you're good enough to be a hero. I've seen you in action hun, and I know for a fact that you're possibly the most strongest person I've met in my lifetime! You're ambitious, smart, determined, and so freaking beautiful." He then kissed you tenderly on the lips, his eyes closing slightly due to the contact.

"So...freaking...beautiful." He whispers against your mouth.

His sentimental words were enough for you to push back the negativity and simply enjoy the intimate moment.

Izuku lifted his head away from your face to rest it against your temple. "You're going to do great things, okay? One failing grade isn't going to be the end of the world. Trust me sweetheart, I've had my fair share in failures during our time here in Yuuei. But look at me now, still standing."

You nuzzled more into his chest, tickling his chin with your hair. Faintly, you can hear the pitter patter of his heart beat bursting through his rib cage.

"Would you love me even if I was a horrendous looking-failure?" you were clearly teasing him, but sometimes Izuku became dense when it came to that.

"Y/n! W-Why would you ask that! Of course I would you dummy! I'd love you no matter what."

This time you return the favor and kiss him, knowing how to easily fluster him in seconds. He whimpers into your mouth at the sudden contact and cups your jawline affectionately.

The two of you stayed like that till the moon shone through the balcony curtains, illuminating your skin in a dusty glow.

Lips bruised and swollen red, you laid lifelessly in his arms, letting him wove his scarred fingers through your hair. Izuku would occasionally stop to peck your lips, then resumes his attention back to your hair.

"I'm sorry by the way. I shouldn't have kept you up last night before the exam. I'm such a horrible boyfriend..." he admitted suddenly.

"Yes. Yes you are."

He gasped and stopped his movements altogether, obviously taken aback by your blunt words.

You giggled and said, "Kidding. You're the best boyfriend. Apology accepted.”

After hearing that, Izuku shoved himself onto your chest and let out muffled cry. "D-Don't scare me like that. Almost made me have a heart a-attack!"

[lilliagradiewrites]

evermore (jj maybank)

Summary: Y/N is in a depressive state, but refuses to tell her boyfriend. After she walks out on a party, JJ realizes that something is off, and rushes to comfort her.

*based off of the song “evermore” from Taylor Swift’s new album!!

WC: 2.2k

WARNINGS: Mentions of depression/ symptoms of depression, mentions of anxiety & panic attacks, mentions of suicide/ death. (The reader is at a very low point during this. Please proceed with caution of mentions of depression triggers you.)

A/N: Hey my lovelies! I have a new piece for you. This is a one- shot, and is on the shorter side. If you don’t know, Taylor Swift released a new album on the 11th. I have been so obsessed with it, and one of my favorites from the record is the title track “evermore.” I knew i had to write something based off of that song! This is inspired by that song, and I encourage you to listen to it while you read.

Much love to you all, and happy holidays! I hope you enjoy!!

LET’S DO IT!

~~~~~~

The night was cold as you walked quietly down the street, the old cardigan your best friend gave you wrapped tightly around your shoulders. You weren’t dressed for the mid-october weather, your shorts and tank tops providing little warmth on your shivering body. As much as you hated the cold, it felt good to feel something again.

November was approaching quickly, and as you walked down the street that cold october night, you realized that you hadn’t had a true spark of happiness since that July. Of course, there were moments of joy, but it was never consistent, and lasted a day at the most.

You couldn’t seem to pinpoint the exact moment where everything went wrong, no matter how many times you’d tried. Countless times, you’d retraced your footsteps to find the moment your despair began. Unfortunately, this only resulted in distant memories from better times becoming fresh in your mind, pushing you deeper into the dark hole you were trapped in.

For a while, no one noticed a difference. Your group of friends, whom you adored, didn’t bat an eye when you left a party early because you were ‘tired’ or ‘not in the mood’, despite the fact that you loved parties. It hurt a little that they didn’t see a problem, and that only made the problem worse.

The first person to notice was JJ, your loving boyfriend. The blonde boy was the light of your life, but as your own issues began to overtake you, you found yourself pushing him away unintentionally. He would send texts, asking you to come over and see him. He'd invite you to come out to dinner with the pogues at The Wreck. He’d beg for your permission to show up at your house because he missed you so damn much.

Time after time, you replied with perfectly crafted excuses that left him concerned, but with no questions. That’s all you needed to accomplish, really. If he didn’t ask any questions, then you’d be fine.

The routine was working out pretty well for you in the beginning. JJ and the rest of the group would accept your excuses and go along with what you told them, even if they found it slightly suspicious.

But, after a while, your constant absence finally hit them. It was concerning, especially when it came to someone like you. Your parents weren’t strict, so it wasn’t an obedience thing. You loved parties, and were quite social, so it wasn’t a social anxiety thing. They wondered at their hangouts what could be wrong, but none of them could come up with a viable explanation.

Texts from your friends were lighting up your phone at a constant rate, but you trained yourself to ignore them. Your mind had convinced you that all of them hated you, and were only messaging you as a joke, or because they felt bad.

Though your brain tried to tell itself that JJ didn’t love you either, you were fighting hard against that idea. Even the slightest notion of your boyfriend no longer being interested in you broke you down into tears, so you tried to allow the thought to cross your mind as little as possible.

He texted you every day, asking if you were okay and trying to make plans. He texted you good morning, and goodnight, as well as a few other times throughout the day. He was a wonderful boyfriend, and you appreciated him, but you didn’t have the energy to show him the attention he deserved. You texted back for a while, but eventually gave up, leaving him on read almost every single time.

For the last few weeks, JJ had been broken up with worry. He worried that you were mad at him, that you hated him. He worried that you were leaving him. So, he showed up at your house.

As soon as he walked in your room, he could tell that something was incredibly off. You were normally a somewhat neat person, but your room was in complete disarray. Clothes littered the floor, empty plates and half-eaten bags of chips tossed absentmindedly to various locations.

And you. You looked like you hadn’t changed or bathed in weeks. Your hair was messy, and your face looked as if you’d been crying for years.

When you saw his face, your mask slipped on without a second thought.

“JJ! Hi, babes!”

“Hi, angel.” He replied, concern evident in his voice as he spoke. “I haven’t really seen you in forever. Are you okay?”

You nodded immediately, concealing your true feelings. “I’m okay. I’ve been taking up extra shifts at work because I need money for college soon. I’m trying to save up early. I’ve been so busy and exhausted, I just haven’t had the time or energy to see anybody.”

Lie. You got fired from your job a month ago because you called out ‘sick’ too many times.

JJ was still suspicious, but went accepted your story just as he had many times before.

“Alright, babe. I just miss you a lot. Take a break soon. Are you working tonight?”

“No.” You couldn’t bring yourself to lie to him again.

“Well, then, you’re coming to hang out.”

You shook your head quickly, pulling your hands away from his. “No thanks, JJ. I had a late shift last night and I’m exhausted. Plus, I have an early shift tomorrow morning, and I refuse to go in hungover.”

JJ took your hands back into his, meeting your eyes. “You don’t have to stay late, and you don’t have to drink. Just come for a little bit. Like, literally for an hour. We all just miss you so much.”

When he was looking into your eyes like that, you couldn’t help but say yes. Though you knew you’d come to regret it, the smile on his face after you agreed made it all seem worth it at the time.

“Yes! Okay, my love, I have to go deliver some stuff for Pope’s dad. The party starts at ten, so I’ll pick you up at nine-thirty.”

You didn’t say anything, simply nodding to indicate that you’d heard him and understood what he said.

“Bye, baby. I’ll see you tonight. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” It was barely a whisper, but it seemed to be enough for JJ. He gave you one final wave before exiting your bedroom and closing the door in his wake.

When he had gone, your anxiety began to cover you. You had come to hate gatherings and parties, despite the fact that they used to be your main source of happiness and excitement. How were you going to make it through this party?

Sighing, you turned to your bedside table, moving around empty cups to peer at the time on your alarm clock. It was hard to read due to the tears in your eyes blurring your vision slightly. After a moment, you were able to decipher the numbers on the screen. 8:06 PM. You had approximately an hour and half to get ready before your boyfriend would be there to pick you up.

The first half hour, you decided, would be used for praying you were able to make it through this night.

---

About 70 minutes after your boyfriend’s visit, the clock on your bedside table read 9:12 PM. You sat at your vanity, brushing on small amounts of makeup. You didn’t want anything too crazy like you used to do; it just didn’t feel right anymore.

The same thing applied to your outfit. After almost an hour of trying things on, you went for something simple. A sage green tank top, your favorite blue jean shorts, and a basic oversized white cardigan kie had given you. The outfit was basic, but cute nonetheless. You completed the look with your pair of slip-on vans that were so beat up they could barely be classified as white anymore.

Your hair, which you normally would curl or style for parties, had been brushed through and left down. That was all you had the energy for. The party hadn’t even started yet, and you were already exhausted.

At least you had showered. It had been over a week since you last bathed, and this party gave you incentive to take care of yourself. That’s the only thing you were grateful for when it came to this party.

As you finished getting ready, you promised yourself that you would try your best to enjoy the night.

JJ had come to pick you up as he told you he would, at nine-thirty on the dot. He was always careful to be very punctual when it comes to you. He said you looked pretty when you got in his car, and the small compliment warmed your heart significantly.

The party was smaller than your normal ones. The pogues were all there, and they were all happy to finally see you again. You greeted them kindly and took your seat beside JJ, wanting to make the night go by as quickly as possible. You had hardly even arrived and you were already anxious.

As the night went by, your anxiety only got worse. You began to zone out, not paying attention to the conversation. You snapped back to reality when the whole group laughed at some joke someone told, and you just chuckled nervously along, hoping nobody noticed you weren’t being attentive.

A few hours went by, slowly but surely, and you decided that you had to be done for the night. You had been on the brink of a panic attack for the last hour, and it was getting harder to fight it off.

“Alright, guys, I’m tired. I’m probably gonna head home. I’ll see y’all later.” You announced, standing up from your seat. Immediately, JJ stood up with you, leaning into your ear.

“I’m too drunk to drive, babe. Do you think you can wait a little longer for me to sober up?”

You shook your head lightly, pushing him away. “No, it’s ok, babes. I’m just gonna walk. I don’t want to pull you away from the party anyways.”

A look of concern took over the blonde’s face. “I don’t like that. You can’t walk by yourself at night, it’s not safe.”

“I’ll be fine, J.” You assured him. “I live, like, a five minute walk away from here. We’re super close to my house. It’ll be okay.”

JJ continued to insist that you wait, but you insisted on leaving. You reassured him multiple times that you’d be alright, kissed him, grabbed your cardigan and left.

That’s how you ended up in your current position, sobbing into your cardigan sleeve as the night grew colder and colder. You were still walking along the road to your house.

You hadn’t realized how cold it was when you left. Maybe it’s because you;d been sitting up against JJ, his body heat mixing with yours to help keep the both of you warm. Now, you were all alone, with nothing but your thin cardigan to protect you from the chill of october night.

As you walked, and cried, you wondered what it would be like to just stop breathing.

Your thoughts were halted by the sound of footsteps pounding the pavement behind you. Immediately, you tensed up, suddenly scared. Who was running on the streets late at night, besides her? Who had a reason, other than kidnapping or killing someone?

You turned slowly around, and your body relaxed as you realized you recognized the person barreling towards you.

A familiar blonde boy was running in your direction, seemingly desperate to catch up with you. You stopped walking, giving him time to meet you.

“JJ?” You were talking as soon as he was close enough to hear. “What are you doing, babe? You’re supposed to be at the party.”

“I’m walking you home. I’ll go back once I know you’re safe.” He explained. He looked almost triumphant at the fact that he’d caught up with you, but his expression changed to one of concern after he got a good look at your face.

“Y/N… have you been crying?”

You shook your head, almost in instinct, but he saw right through you.

“Yes, you have. Baby, what’s wrong? Did one of us say something? What happened?”

As you looked in his eyes, those beautiful blue orbs as rocky and deep as the ocean, you felt your mask begin to slip.

“I’m not okay, J. I haven’t been for a long time.” Your voice cracked as you spoke, and the tears came almost immediately after you’d finished.

JJ took you into his arms and held you close, and for a moment, the two of you just stood there on the side of the road.

JJ let you sob for a little while, just holding you and murmuring sweet words to you. Eventually, he pulled away and looked directly into your eyes.

“I’m here for you, okay? We’ll get through this, my love. I don’t know exactly what’s going on yet, but we’ll figure it out. Together. I promise. I love you so much, Y/N. So fucking much.”

He pulled you back into his chest, and in that moment, it dawned on you.

This wasn’t the end. This pain wouldn’t last for evermore. It would pass, and JJ would be there with you when it did.

So, for the first time in a while, you finally felt okay.

~~~~

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Reblogs are super helpful and super appreciated. LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!

Happy holidays! - Lillia

[scary-monsters]

simply Do Not Look here if you don’t like vent-y posts!!! i need a moment

i feel like i can’t keep up with anything right now.. it’s like im in this slow motion bubble but everything around me is FAST and i HAVE to keep up and if i don’t then i WILL SUFFER and probably DIE or at least have my life RUINED (words emphasized to match the obnoxious tone my inner voice uses) i’ve been trying so hard to stay positive and maintain a pleasant demeanor but i feel it breaking and i know it’s because i’m just so exhausted and tired of pretending

i’ve snapped at several people at work recently, some of which have asked me if i’m okay and i fucking Hate that bc i don’t want anyone to be concerned with me, but also i do because i want people to care about me, i crave it so fucking badly bc most of the time i feel so lonely and insignificant, but at the same time the guilt that comes with people caring about me is unbearable. i cannot figure out what i want!!!

am i actually too tired and depressed to talk to anyone or am i this way BECAUSE i don’t talk to anyone???? am i doing too much? too little?? do i deserve to feel comfortable? have i really earned that? is that something i NEED to earn? am i letting people down? or am i smothering them? am i too much or not enough? am i even anything to anyone??? i don’t know i don’t know i don’t know

that’s all. i’m just feeling very very Lost lately and i can’t figure out where i want or need to be or if there’s even a place for me anywhere. that sounds so dramatic but it’s just how i feel, yknow.. just throwin it out there into the void. so if i’ve felt really off or rude or distant lately then.. trust me i notice it and i’m trying to figure out the best way to solve it