#last 4 days i have walked 2 miled everyday

[goodmorningglory]

where's the "can someone please be proud ofe, like fuck i'm trying my best" post when you need it

[2demondogs]

Can you do Arthur and BioKid!reader (prob age around 5-7) where Arthur sent his kid to school (around 1870, school began to become free) because even if he knows he could teach his kid the basics, he wants better for them.

As we know, schools back then did physical punishments. If a kid lacked behind their fellow students, teachers often saw it as laziness and would punish the kid.

Arthurs kid, who was very excited to attend school, came back from it sobbing their eyes out because they were canned (hit) on their hands for not understanding math and begging that Arthur doesn't send them back.

Obv Arthur, being an amazing dad, doesn't send them back and taught them stuff himself.

Weirdly enough I had a very similar experience at that age but in ballet class. Are any of us okay?

Historical accuracy was attempted. Though the image of being dropped off at school on a horse is absolutely hilarious to me. "Okay little buddy here's a cigarette for lunch, I'll clip clop back at 4. Daddy's gonna go rob a bank now. Hyah!!"

Arthur's a cigarette mom tbh. Also this took literally like 2 months for me to get to I'm so sorry LOL I wanted some familial comfort so I was finally in the headspace for it.

Words: 3k Tags: AU - canon divergence, pre-canon (circa 1888), hurt/comfort, it takes a village so the gang's all here too, angst but also a lotta fluff Arthur is just being Arthur (aka a killjoy), gender-neutral reader

Few things in his life have brought Arthur as much pride — in someone else, in himself — as the grin plastered on your face the first day of school.

Boadicea disliked the amount of people, the small kids that tried to stroke her legs before being beckoned away by their parents. Most were used to animals like her, but he could tell the city-bred ones from his own kind: brighter faces, slower walks, cleaner nails. It's the same as their parents, dressed well and sometimes in automobiles.

What an odd gathering these schoolrooms make for. He's always thought it'd be funny to have punted John in the direction of one, but he finds he's had a wrong idea about the crowd. Wouldn't have been as satisfying as he imagined when the man was just a boy, wily and jaded and just like all the other farm kids that he saw trudge in and out yesterday. (Of course, when John showed curiosity about it and asked him what the crowd was like, he told him he was far too stupid to dream of going to school. He is a father, but he ain't John's.)

In another life, he might even stick around to converse with the other parents. He'd pondered it that first day, feeding Boadicea an apple for the trip from camp some miles off and to this building on the edge of town. Arthur wondered if he had had you ten years later, and if he were not so much younger than all these parents, and if you were not so—

Well, misplaced in the world. His own fault. He thinks of it everyday.

He studies the bricks while he smokes and waits at the side of the building, now, early as he was yesterday lest he miss something important. What it would be, he doesn't know. Perhaps he just hopes you'll be given back to him sooner today, because he's coming to realize he's grown fond of knowing exactly where you are. After your mother died, the clinginess is a little more souring than he'd like to feel, so he doesn't study it.

Instead, he flicks ash off his cigarette and considers that it's going to get chilly soon. You've grown since last winter, and he ought to make sure you still fit your coat when he brings you home.

He doubts Grimshaw will mind making you another; seems to like you. Pities you, anyways, because your father is the young, dumb oaf Arthur Morgan. That woman drives him insane, sometimes, but he has learned that she cares in her own way ever since you came along. A certain softness came out in her that, rarely but truly, extended to him, too.

The cigarette is replaced by another by the time the kids begin to pour out of the doors. Youngest first, so there's no wait to see you searching for him.

Already, Arthur knows something is wrong. There's no difference from your usual face, besides whatever calm comes over it when you lay eyes on him— but that calm looks more like an ache for comfort that concerns him, even though he can't tell what, precisely, tips him off. He supposes it's the same thing that changed him to the point of considering your winter clothes, whatever thing makes him a father instead of a simple man.

The ground is tough and sandy below his knee when he drops to one to meet your eyes, brows raised in expectance of some explanation. Even your gait is quicker, your hug tighter; you aren't talking like you were yesterday, let alone grinning, and Arthur pinches his cigarette in his teeth to smooth a hand over your head and back.

That smile had made you seem so grown-up, but now you look so young and small. He takes the smoke from his lips and holds the hand to the side to keep it from your face.

"How's your day, buddy?" He asks, anyways, and frowns when you shrink in his arms and press closer. Peeling away to take a look at you, Arthur runs a hand over the side of your head to brush away your hair. He doesn't see any bruises or scrapes, but still asks: "Y'get in a fight or somethin'?"

You shake your head. His hand is large where it lays on your shoulder, firm and comforting. It only takes a moment for you to give up the silence and struggle to explain.

"She called me lazy," you say.

Arthur's brows furrow. "Teacher, you mean?"

You nod, speaking as if it's difficult not to burst into a shout. Around you, the older kids begin to pour out, but he is only focused on your voice. "She smacked me with a ruler."

"What?" He interrupts.

It comes out harsher than he means it to, and he strokes a hand over your head when you flinch. Jesus, you're on edge if you're flinching at him. Anger broils hot and instant in his gut; he knows very well how most people raise their kids and he had talked long and hard with Grimshaw for yanking on your ear one too many times but regardless, it isn't anyone's place to lay a hand on you. It isn't even his — he isn't Lyle, and you're considerably more of an angel than he ever has been himself — but it certainly isn't anyone else's.

"Where?" His eyes pass over you, searching.

Looking over the handsewn clothes Grimshaw had done-up for you, adorned with those gaudy little buttons Dutch had popped off of some nice suit jackets during a gathering he'd infiltrated some months ago, Arthur feels even more anger. Six years of raising you and dressing you in love.

It certainly is not her right to smack his child. Our child, he thinks, and the fondness only feeds the disgust. Suddenly, he wonders what you didn't tell him the first day, and if some of those wailing kids were sad for more than simply missing mother dearest.

You hold out your hands, backs up. A few knuckles are swollen, and you wince when he traces a fingertip over them to test how badly.

He bites back a sigh. He feels like he should've known this would happen, although not a single one of them has been inside a schoolhouse. Maybe Grimshaw, seems the type, but she never spoke of it. Still, Arthur thinks he should've known it the same way he knows you'll grow out of your coat this winter.

Isn't it what fathers do? Know things? Lyle hadn't been much of a father, but he always knew things.

Is Arthur worse off than him?

"Why'd she do this?" He asks.

Your face is growing redder and redder, flushed with embarrassment and shame. He wishes he had the words to soothe that, but he knows a scolding like this always leaves a certain rawness in a child. He'd had plenty of them himself.

"I was bein'... in— inatten..." The frustration of not being able to remember and repeat the word wells tears in your eyes, but Arthur's heard enough.

"Hey, it's a'right," he hushes, shaking his head. Takes a quick drag and blows it to the side. "Let's get'chu home, okay?"

You ignore him, trying to explain: "I was bad at math."

"Shit, I ain't no good with numbers, neither," Arthur says, and then catches himself. "Don't say shit. Okay?" You nod. A small flicker of your lips into a smile makes him feel better, though you still look like a kicked puppy and it makes his heart ache. "Let's get'chu home," he repeats, and this time you listen.

He's never seen Hosea so displeased.

That's untrue; he has, over gunshots and blood-puddles. It feels like a gunshot to see you burst into tears, curled into the man's chest after Arthur tried to encourage you to talk to him about what happened. He had always been better with words, but he remembers while watching him handle your sobbing that Hosea has always been better with comfort, too.

Hardly had the man picked you off your spot hugged to Arthur's front atop Boadicea — did so yesterday too, and if today was just as happy then Arthur would've been glad to see it turn into a habit — before you broke into tears once more. He had quieted you eventually on the ride with the promise of not returning, although he intended to talk it over with the others before he decided once and for all.

Our kid, he thinks warmly, and then: I feel like a kid myself. Some things come naturally when you have a child, he's finding, but so much of it just doesn't.

"Teacher smacked 'em with a ruler. Poor thing's knuckles are all..." Arthur explains, sighing heavily, waving with a hand in the air as if to say: fucked up. Hosea will jump off that crate he's sat on and smack him if he talks that foul in front of you. At least I'm grown enough to take a flick to the nose, he thinks bitterly. "Doesn't wanna go back, now."

Hosea seems to struggle through the same thoughts as he did, prying your hand off his chest to take a look. It's normal for others, though not for them. Not with you, at least. He can almost see the memories of similar punishments in his eyes. Still, Hosea pats your back and picks you off himself to hold your face.

"You think your Daddy knows everything you need to know, anyways, do you?" He asks.

It's a tease, mostly, humor to get you to stop crying. You're too upset to realize, and only nod. Arthur could cry himself at that. I'm still a kid myself, he thinks, in the back of his mind; Hosea only smiles at him, before righting his expression to look at you.

"I figure we all do," he says. Looking to Arthur, he raises his brows. "You intendin' to try again?"

Arthur sighs, shrugs his shoulders. He doesn't feel so dissimilar to you: vaguely ashamed, upset, embarrassed. "I was gon' ask what'chu thought I oughtta do," he admits.

Almost imperceptibly, Hosea's face softens further. "Well," he says, looks back to you to dry your eyes and wipe your nose with the sleeve of his button-up. Natural-born for a man that's never raised kids this young. "I never was in school, 'n' I'd say I'm quite well-educated."

"Never had a class on humbleness, I see," Arthur says.

Hosea snorts. "Don't listen to him," he says without sparing a glance.

"What's humbleness?" You ask, oblivious.

"Oh," Arthur says, steps forward to ruffle the hair atop your head. "Y'see, Uncle Dutch is real humble."

The other man bites his cheek to stave off a smile. "Arthur," he warns, looking up at him.

But it's a good opportunity to send you off and allow the two of them to talk in private, so he leans over to catch your gaze. "If you go tell Dutch he's humble, I'll give you a dollar," he promises, patting your shoulder.

"Is humble mean?" You ask.

"Y'catch on quick," Arthur says, grinning. John has certainly given you coins to say worse to him, though he found it funny each time. Your face is puffy and red, and he finds it sweet that you paused every other thought going through your head to consider it. "No, it ain't mean, sweetheart. Very nice, in fact."

Very mean to lie about, he thinks, and when you turn on your heel to go and earn yourself a dollar, he knows you will be just fine. Hosea laughs only when you've pattered away.

"Odd critters, kids," Arthur says. He sounds far too fond.

It was an easy choice. It had been a stretch to even take you to school, and the adults had all agreed that you'd likely miss most of it, anyways. They could only change so much about their lives, even if it was no way to raise you.

Sometimes Arthur wonders what it'd be like to live a normal life with you. To find someone to help him raise you proper, like a civilized family. He doesn't speak of it, but he's sure they all know that he wonders. Maybe they do, too. He thinks on it less after testing those waters with school, but once in a blue moon, the dream comes back to him.

Arthur ran into a block, as far as teaching you how to read went. He'd sat you on his lap and tried his damnedest to answer the fifty questions that every sentence of Dutch's borrowed book provoked you to ask, but he had run out of answers very quickly despite it being one of the simplest ones he had to offer.

For the last two days, he has been laying awake at night trying to answer why, exactly, bear means both an animal and an action that seemingly makes no sense. Tried and failed to use Hosea's beat-up old Bible to teach you a few words, because by the second verse it was losing him a little, too. That one made him feel quite stupid.

Hosea is better suited for that, they'd decided. He seemed a little tired being asked to teach yet another person to read, but Arthur knows that irritation is only skin-deep and watches it disappear whenever you're around. When Arthur said he wasn't sure where to start with writing, either, Hosea put a hand on his shoulder and told him the alphabet in a tone that told him he was on his own, unless he really got too lost.

It is fair. Arthur wants to teach you as much as he can, too, finds a sort of warmth about it.

The pride he feels watching you copy the alphabet he'd printed out — as steady as he could, admittedly nervous he'd screw it up and somehow damage your intellect forever, is this what being a dad feels like? — was greater than any he'd felt before. Your handwriting is unsteady, and he has to readjust the pencil in your grip more than once, but by all accounts, it is much easier to answer what sound does this make? than what's a garden?

He lets you work. Arthur likes, too, that this way your first writings will be kept in his journal. He already protects it like a sacred thing; now, it'll probably be on his body or in his pocket until you're old enough to marry someone. Even then, if all goes well, he'll have it.

Oh, how the thought of you growing up distresses him. He can't imagine what you might look like older, even though it sneaks up on him every year come your birthday that your eyes and nose are looking more adjusted to your skull, that your face is sharpening out from baby-round. He could hardly picture John as anything but the scraggly little mutt Dutch dragged back into camp when he had. It's a familiar, more intense fear.

Shit, Arthur doesn't even know what he himself will look like come three year's time.

He's twenty-five and still changing. Will he see what your face settles on?

Is this what it is to be a father?

He thinks so. There can't be any other truth, because he's faced this feeling every time you've hit a milestone. He was glad you didn't need to be carried constantly anymore, but so very depressed that you could walk; he was overjoyed when you said his name clear as day for the first time, but he was terrified at the thought that he may one day be Arthur to you.

It's sad, but it makes him smile when you look up and proclaim that your wobbly rendition of the letter W — dubba-yuh, as you say, he won't ever get over how children always sound like they are drunk — looks almost exactly like his.

Grimshaw and Hosea make a fuss, playing cards at the poker table some yards away. You ignore them entirely, absorbed in your own little world, writing at your own pace. With ears that turn off so easily, he worries about how you'll do hunting. He could've heard Grimshaw asking Hosea in exasperation why he's not cheating, you old fool, from a mile away.

Then comes Dutch, after you've scrawled a few more letters. Walking quiet up to the pair of you sat in the grass outside Arthur's tent, observing from above you before he speaks.

"Arthur?" He asks, and he sounds odd, considering that they're doing nothing unusual.

He looks up. "Yeah?"

Dutch points to the open journal. You look between them, then, interested in whatever is going on now that your dad is involved. "Did you forget the letter Z?"

Arthur squints, looks back at the journal. Oh. His ears turn red, but he only clears his throat. "I mean, who uses Z anyways?" He dismisses.

The prospect of being able to show some kind of smartness beyond a full-grown adult's seems to excite you. "Where's Z go?" You ask Dutch.

He kneels, takes the pencil and book from you to write it in after Y. In cursive. Christ, Arthur thinks, but he doesn't say anything.

"Right here, my dear," he says. Handing you the pencil back, he smiles as you skip over the others to add your own interpretation early. "Now, will you cover your ears for me?" Perplexed, but you obey anyways. Arthur is already narrowing his eyes before Dutch turns to him. "You are a goddamn fool, you know that?"

There's no malice in it, only amusement. He looks positively chuffed, which almost irritates Arthur more than if he truly meant to call him an idiot. "Who even uses Z?" He repeats, waves a hand. "It ain't that big'a mistake."

"I don't know," Dutch scoffs. "A zebra?"

"A zebra?" Arthur says, in disbelief. "You ever seen one for y'self?"

Dutch's brows raise. "Are you—?" His face falls into mock graveness. "Arthur Morgan," he says, feigning disappointment. "You can't be serious."

"Well, have you?"

"I ain't gon' dignify that with a response," Dutch says, turns to smile at you. He always smiles at you, at least, Arthur likes that about the man. He plucks one of your hands off your head. "You're good, now, honey. Keep writin'."

[stainedglassandpigs]

Smallville

I don’t know if I’ll continue this story much bc I don’t have tons of confidence in it but it was fun to do something with Clark since I kept seeing a bunch of edits with him and I rmbered how much I liked the lil farm boy.

Also I don’t know how I feel about using emojis in writing lowkey don’t like it but yk gotta try it out at least once or twice to see fr ( jury is leaning toward don’t like)

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It appears to be somewhere in the country. Lush green trees and a sea of grassy plains for miles. I don’t remember when I began walking or why I was.

As I was now pushing through a corn maze it began to be clear I was looking for something. I became more and more frustrated that I wasn’t finding whatever it was I broke out in a run, I had to find it now time was running out. Hope was beginning to lose me when I stumbled outta the ocean of corn stalks. Getting up and dusting myself off I could see in the distance there was a house and barn. Just as I began to walk to the far off house something zoomed out of the corn and crashed into the barn.

BOOM

I bolted up, my alarm going off.

Turning it off I reach for my phone checking the time.

Shit shit shit.

It was 8:30, that was my alarm that told me I was supposed to be out the house by now.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Mom hated when I was late, the office lady was always so unusually mean for someone who worked with people all day.

Rushing outta bed I began a speed run of my usually morning activities.

A normal person might forgo finding a playlist to listen to when they were already in a rush, but I figured the morning was already fucked at least I could still listen to my favorite songs while I panicked.

By the 2 song I have changed and was beginning to brush my teeth. Song 3 began and so did my morning skin care.

Rush or not there were things I was not willing to compromise on when getting ready.

My grand final now is deciding what to do with my hair.

It was wash day yesterday so the hair was looking a bit wet. I didn’t prefer it this way but at least it was cute.

I opt for down since it would help the curls dry faster

Making sure all the hairs were in place and my part was clean I called it. And all it took was 4 songs to get ready, not too bad.

Before I headed for the kitchen to pack my lunch I made sure my back pack was ready for the day.

Well I made sure my headphones were in there and I barely spared a glance at what was actually in the bag.

The kitchen was a bit more tricky of a situation. If I were lucky no one would be in there to question why I hadn't left yet, especially not mom.

Being as quiet and quick as I could, packing my lunch and dashing off immediately, grabbing my keys from the bowel and sneaking off.

Gettign in the car I threw my stuff in the passenger seat and checked my phone for the time and any important notifications.

The time read as 9, first period began at 8:50. I was officially counted absent when I was deciding on water or tea as my drink of choice for the day I thought.

Being absent wasn’t good but math class was soooo boring, I was thankful it was my senior year because there was no way I could fight another year doing high school math.

I answered a few of my messages most of them being from my best friend Jade on different platforms.

She had sent me at least 30 tik toks, 5 instagram memes and 9 messages about random stuff.

Replying to the message and telling her about how I woke up late she laughed about it and pointed out how I hated math anyways and I should just pick up a nice sweet treat cause I was already late.

I would have picked up something for her too but she already graduated last year and was off to Metropolis University getting her degree in computer engineering.

Next you I would be doing the same for anthropology so I didn’t let the distance bother me bc soon we would be seeing each other everyday annoying the living shit out one another. I smile at that.

So instead I just sent her some money to get something nice for breakfast, picked a song from my ongoing playlist and began heading to my local smallville coffee shop.

Getting a large motcha and danish i sorrowfully started heading for school.

Pulling in the student parking lot I happened across another late student. When I saw them I honked my horn lightly and waved for them to come over.

“doesn’t your mom hate when you're late y/n (nick name)?”

“Doesn’t your coach hate when your late Jacob?” I copied the tone of the football player while I open the car door.

“Touché, why you late tho ?” Jacob said, grabbing my drink out of my hand, I made him hold the rest of my stuff as we walked in the building cause his greedy ass was gulping down my drink like I had gotten it specifically for him.

“slept in by accident, stayed up trying to read the last of Macbeth cause I kept putting it off, what had you late?” Gesturing for my drink back I open the doors for us but he just grabs the door and waits until I walk in.

“Went to the lake with a few of the boys”

“How late could it have been that it had you sleeping in '' we were halfway to the attendance desk now.

“3 in the morning 🤥”

“Yall have terrible time management skills, I just want you to know that”

“At least I finished the class reading on time” he said with a grin.

“Name one thing that happened in the second act, quickly” I said side eyeing him

“Macbeth , he, he ummm”

“times out” now I’m the one grinning

“If you know everything then name something miss know it all”

“Lady Macduff and her sons gets killed cause Macbeth went crazy, boom and under 10 seconds'' he rolled his eyes at me dramatically causing me to laugh.

There were a few ppl in front of us in the late line so we continued talking about random things until we both got our late notes.

“Your going to art now right, lemme walk you my next period we get a longer passing period then yall”

“You work in the library during this period right ? What do you even do in there? "The art class wasn’t that far off from the office so I wasn’t in a rush either.

“Mostly just put the books away n once we’re done with that it’s basically a free period”

The conversation continued on random classes and such till we came to my class and Jacob handed me back my stuff. We said our goodbyes and I entered the art room, it looked like I was one of the first ppl there other than Mrs.Ruth the teacher.

A lovely woman, very bright and passionate about her craft.

Taking my seat I chat with her and as more students fill and get situated.

Mrs.Ruth said we were waiting on something b4 we started our assignment today, I didn’t think much of it and continued yapping about with my classmates and friends.

Another one of my best friends came to class, taking her seat behind my table. We started talking about what could be holding up the class today.

“Wonder what the hold up is. Maybe we’re getting a Halloween party, what do you think Rose ?” I say trying to think of what it could be

“Mmm prolly not we’re so busy with our projects, maybe something about another art comp”

Our conversation naturally fizzes out as we both start getting our normal art stuff out for the class.

It was maybe the length of a weekend song (famously long asl) when the door opened.

We were in October now so never would I have thought she meant a new student.

Another thing that shocked me was who it was.

I immediately turn my head to look at Rose and she’s already looking at me, giving me a knowing smile.

You know how when a new person comes and you always hope they’re cute to give you something to look at, that was him but this was even more exciting because of who it was.

Because he wasn’t new new, I had just never had any classes with him up until now. But trust me and my girls were more than well acquainted with who he was.

Because my brother was a football player I got to know tons of the players and even became good friends with some of them.

So I would see him all the time, but we would only really talk in passing. The thing was though me and the girls had this one going minor local celebrity crush on him and we would talk about him all the time, not only was he such a gentleman (plus) he was also unearthly pretty (big plus)

Cause who doesn’t love a good pretty man. Like how could we not talk about him, with all due respect and regard for his personhood ofc…

And here he stood now in our class.

Just from Roses face alone I knew the girls were gonna love this, lunch was going to be so exciting today ‼️.

I didn’t want to keep staring the boy down so I tore my eyes off him for Miss Ruth who was explaining what was going on.

“Okay class as you can see we have a new class mate today, Clark Kent” she said motioning him over to her.

“Clark was in art four, but me and his old art teacher talked and thought it would be best for him to join us in ap art, please class if he needs any help adjusting give him a hand and be nice.” She says giving the class a once over, our class wasn’t bad but we could definitely be asswholes, and it was clear she was trying to get us to be nice on his first day.

She turned to him now and explained a few things before telling him to pick a seat anywhere.

As he looked around the class he spotted me and seen where I was sitting, heading over he waved. At first I rationalized it, ofc he would sit with me I was probably the only person he knew in the class fr. But I doubted he even remembered my name fr.

“Y/n!”

Well I was wrong, but I was happy about that.

“I didn’t know you were in this class! Is it okay if I sit with you ?” He said so politely,

lord this was going to be a long year if I had to sit next to someone so beautiful.

I know Rose was finding this all very entertaining right now for sure.

I had to remind myself he asked me a question cause I was staring yet again. Up close I could see that his blue eyes had specs of green but I digress.

“Ofc Clark” I smile trying not to look too much like I indeed did have a massive crush on him.

He settles in and all I can think bout is how close we are sitting to each other.

I mean he was a football player so ofc he was huge, but Clark was pretty big even for a football player. He was touching above 6 feet at this point. Even though he was huge he still remained a respectable distance and didn’t manspread trying not to take up any space.

How nice, then again that was the bare minimum and I reminded myself to pay attention, I probably wasn’t even his type anyways.

“Today we will be starting a new unit, so pair up because you’re gonna need a partner.” Miss Ruth said as she gathered the lesson plans and her notes on it.

I look over at Clark and he’s already looking at me with a small smile with his eyebrows raised a little. How he didn’t have a gf right now was a marvel I thought.

“Partners ?” He said, returning his small smile in tandem.

“Partners” I whispered back enthusiastically.

I take my phone out and send Rose a quick text saying we also are gonna be partners.

She just sends back a reaction meme of someone smiling.

Putting my phone away again I look at Clark again x

It was almost like the sun was in love with him I thought.

the way it shown on him, living art, I wasn’t much of a romantic but I wasn’t blind to the way he was making me feel.

But I ignored it, talking about attractive people and being delusional over them was one thing but actually putting myself out there was a whole other thing. Most days I was just content with being friends with people I had crushes on and that was exactly what I was gonna do with Clark.

Just friends.

To get myself to stop thinking about him I remember that I still had my cheese danish from the coffee shop. As I get it out I tear it in half and tap Clark. I don’t say anything, I just hand it to him with a napkin. When he realizes what I’m doing he mouths a thank you with a giant smile.

He must like sweet just as much as i did.

Miss Ruth finished explaining what the class would be doing for our next project.

We were tasked with creating a sort of art year book with our partners. We would be capturing moments and artwork and putting together two books. And the books had to be huge at least 2 feet in hight.

She handed out the rubric, and showed some videos and examples, but for the most part the rest of the class period was left to us to brainstorm and get a feel of the project and get the ball rolling.

Which meant I would be talking with Clark more.

I was being to hope that he was secretly a dick and he would kill my crush with his actions.

Turning my whole body to face Clark now, the art room was big so the tables were too, meaning there was a lotta space in between us technically,

but it felt like I was breathing down his neck.

He turned too, but once again I could tell he was making sure to give me my space

how kind,

a symphony of screaming began playing in my head as I thought about how stupid I must look to him.

Pushing it down instead I began thinking of our project, that I could do with ease. Art was my thing and not even an unearthly sweet and cute guy was going to change that.

“So far honestly it don’t look to daunting, which is nice, it’s more a time and dedication thing. Very tedious but I’m excited lowkey. I always loved the idea of making my own yearbook” digging through my backpack I bring out my class sketchbook and flip to a free page. Grabbing a random pen from onna the pockets on the side of my backpack I write “ Clark and y/ns year book project”

“So whatcha thinking ? Any ideas of things you really wanna have in here ?” I know sometimes I tend to talk a lot and I didn’t want him to feel like his thoughts weren’t important.

“I’m actually in photography and journalism class, so I think maybe we can use some of my skills from there too”

“Dude that’s so cool Clark !Do you write for the school paper ?!” Ofc he’s arty, the screaming in my head pitched up an octave.

“Sadly no, football takes up a lotta my time but they do let me help, I’m best friends with the editor, Chloe. And if I have the spare times sometimes every blue moon she’ll let me run a story. I do take some of the photos tho, cause “I’m in the field and get a closer perspective,” Chloe says.”

“We’ll definitely find a way to incorporate that, I don’t have any fancy cameras like the ones the school does but I am an instant and digital camera collector. So you can use mine if you’d want to as well” This was good, I always loved photography but a lot about it confused me and here Clark comes filling in that blank.

“May I?” Clark gestures to the pen, as I hand it to him for a moment his hands cover mine and I can feel my face going red so I get up abruptly which startled him a bit.

“I just remembered you don’t have any of the standard Ap supplies, lemme go ask Miss Ruth for you. You can just write your ideas and stuff down while I go get it. You can also look through my sketch book I don’t mind” I was ready to speed away from him when I heard Clark call my name. I turn n look and he has a very sincere look on his face.

“I just wanted to say thank you y/n, you’ve been really nice to me when you could have picked someone else to be your partner. Thank you”

He smiled but it looked a little sad, like he was thinking of something else.

“What are friends for” I say half smiling, I wondered what could have given him that far away look.

Going off I got all the stuff he needed for the class and came back to my set, it took only about 5 minutes, about as long as a rock song I thought.

Handing it to him I explain what everything is and get a permanent marker so he can label his name on everything .

For the next 40 minutes we sat there drafting up ideas and thoughts.

The conversation came easily and when Mrs Ruth reminded us as she always does that we were at the half way mark of the class, we began really planning out what we wanted to do.

First we looked at the due date which was in 3 months in January after Christmas break.

Each book needs to have at least 16 pages not counting back and front. With that we calculated how many pages a week needed to be done and began planning the little things.

By the time we got done most of the planning the period was soon to be over.

Getting up to stretch I started thinking bout lunch.

I wonder who Clark ate lunch with, the football boys? He’s own friends ? By himself?

“Clark which lunch do you have ?”

“B lunch why?” He says while he packs his things up.

“Just curious. Oh hey actually can I borrow your phone real quick” I say as I too begin putting my stuff away.

He hands my his phone unlocked, interesting that he didn’t ask why I needed it I thought.

“Since where most likely gonna have to work outside of school we should have each others phone numbers and stuff. And honestly all the years I’ve known you it’s crazy I don’t have it yet”

“Not really on my phone too much, being on the farm all day the WiFi’s awful so I’ve never really used it much. I always forget I have it” he was now standing in front of me and I had to look up a bit to see into his eyes.

If I was a little less stubborn one might call it butterflies but I just gonna chalk it up to me being hungry.

“Hey smile for me for a sec Clark” and ofc the sweet boy that he was he did.

I took a pic showing it to him then made it his icon on my phone and texted him a pic I took this morning of the clouds saying it’s y/n.

“Okay you have my number now, I’ll text you later bout some ideas I have for our year books”

“Wait you didn’t put an icon in my phone” he said pointing to the blank one on his phone.

“Didn’t think you would want one” I say with a small shrug.

“Well I do, smile y/n please” I put my stuff down and smile making a heart with my hands.

He begins smiling ever so slightly as he makes it the new icon. Now I think the photo must look crazy cause what was he smiling for

“I demand tew see the awful photo you just took” I say moving to be right next to him.

He tries to hide it from me but I just grab his hand and take the phone with my other, we’re both laughing now.

When I finally see the photo it just looks like a normal photo of me smiling and I wonder if he was just doing that to trick me.

Giving the phone back I noticed he had a red case.

I begin to think about the little details that he has all about him.

It was barely visible but I could see the glint of a small chain around his neck, it was silver but that's all I could tell about it.

That was the only other jewelry he had other than a Rolex that was also covered by the flannel he was wearing, the Rolex was silver too. It looked at least 20 years old.

A family heirloom I thought. He wore weathered jeans with well loved sports Nikes. His style, although simple, appeared very thought about.

Checking my phone I see we only have 5 minutes left of class, I kinda got sad because now I won’t be able to talk with Clark anymore.

But then again art ending means I can go eat lunch and talk to my friends about all these new developments

I looked over at Clark, he was right about not being on his phone, as the class waited for the bell to ring he was doodling in his sketchbook what looked like a man holding a camera.

Being the D1 yapper that I was, I think of a random question to ask him.

“What type of music do you listen to, Clark ?”

He looks up at me closing the sketchbook and thinks for a moment.

“A lot of people are kind of surprised to hear this but I do enjoy a lot of rnb actually”

“I can def see why” you laff a bit at the idea of him on Stan Twitter arguing about album sales and whose a better performer

“Who’s onna your fav artist?”

“Steve lacy is a favorite of mine I really like his song mercury”

“He’s a good artist, his song infrumai was good and ofc dark red”

“Dark red’s a classic. I also listen to a lot of rock, like Jimi Hendrix, radio head, and Rick James”

“Where do you listen to music on, I wanna follow you”

“Spotify mostly” Clark fidgets with his phone then hands me the device with his Spotify pulled up.

It was becoming very clear he wasn’t a phone guy at all, he even looked a bit confused when I said I would follow him on Spotify. I followed him on my phone then accepted his request on his phone.

He didn’t have any other followers than me, I noted.

Just when I was bout to say something else the bell rang so I handed his phone back.

Looking around for Rose I couldn’t find her, she must’ve darted off to hear her lunch. She always had something to warm up.

“What’s your next class? Maybe I can walk you?”

“Photography near the cafe, what’s yours?”

“This is my lunch period, so I can definitely walk you”

We began walking out of the class and I said my goodbye to Miss Ruth.

“Good thing where I eat lunch is on the way, so I can ask you more random ass questions. did your schedule change much for the switch to ap?” Walking and talking to him like we were good friends was nice.

I looked at him as we walked,

I wondered if he knew how polarizing he was. Could he feel it like I could ?

The conversation continued on his schedule change, until we reached the table where I sat.

Ofc the only person there at the moment was Rose trying to conceal a sly smile.

She immediately looks between me and Clark walking up to the table raising an eyebrow at how close we were.

Our eyes alone were having a very excited conversation about the presence of Clark Kent while he was none the wiser.

Where we had lunch was in a nook of the school with some tables and a decent window that looked out onto thin woods that basically surrounded the school.

The two tables that were in the corner had long since been riddled with stickers and ppls graffiti, the table had treated me well since my freshman year when our little group began sitting there.

There wasn’t much in the little area other than the two tables and its accompanying chairs.

The school had a lot of areas like that, little nooks for ppl to sit and get work done. But the main cafe wasn’t far from where we sat, maybe a classrooms distance separated my little area from the rest of the cafeteria and I could definitely still hear everything going on in the lunchroom.

The doors that connect the two areas always open and ppl constantly drifting in and out. By no means was it a still space.

Setting my backpack down, I introduce the two.

“Rose this is Clark, I'm sure you heard Miss Ruth introducing him to the class” Rose just silently smiled at me, going her best to act like she didn’t already know basically everything about him.

I could literally see all the questions she had formed ready to burst out.

“Clark, this is Rose onna my best friends. She sat behind use in art”

“Hi rose, nice to meet you” Clark gave her a little smile and wave. Rose returned it.

“Well this has been fun, Rose I’ll be right back I’m gonna walk Clark to class it’s only down the hall.”

“Kk I’m gonna go grab my pizza from the microwave” I was right about her needing to warm something up, and we all parted ways.

As we walked a few people said hi to Clark, dapping him up in passing and they exchanged friendly remarks. It was endearing to see him interacting with other people.

As we walked to his next period I kept asking questions about the class.

“What are y’all working on right now?”I said fidgeting about with my hands trying to make the normal amount of eye count without staring too much or looking away for too long.

“Right now we’re taking pictures of interesting things around the school and putting it in a newspaper model. It’s pretty fun, the teacher wants us to make our model first though. So he’s giving us all of today to get that done.”

“That’s perfect for you too cause your whole journaling thing, I def would like to see your assignment when you're done it sounds fun.”

“I can show it to you maybe this weekend? We gotta work on our assignment too…” he said slowing down

“This is my class right here.” He gestured to the sign about the classroom that said Journalism and photography class.

The door was open so I could see a glimpse inside. It looked like a standard computer room, there was a big cabinet at the back end of the classroom. I imagined that’s where they must keep all the cameras.

“Wait, I forgot we had to work during the weekends, lawd, would you prefer my house or yours ?”

“Mine is fine, the barn has a nice area to work and you can see the farm”

“Great, we can text more bout the details later” We were now both standing next to the door as students passed by

“ ight been fun but my stomach is beginning to kick” I say playfully, I was just about to walk off when Clark began speaking again.

“Thank you y/n” I was looking into his eyes now.

“For?” All I did was walk him to class, what could he be thanking me for.

“I know we didn’t know each other that well but even so you made sure to help me. You even walked me to my class. I just want you to know I appreciate it a lot. "It took everything in me to keep eye contact with him as he said nice things about me but I knew this was onna those moment where I had to.

In the back of my head I wondered if he was just being nice or someone had made him feel like he was a burden.

Being from the south I was very familiar with southern charm but the way Clark acted was so much more emotional, southerners were nice sure but it really felt like he truly cared .

Not that I didn’t like it but it took me by surprise a bit.

“You make me sound so nice, Clark. And besides I couldn’t just let you struggle by yourself.” A quick moment passes where it’s just him and I looking at each other.

Feeling awkward I quickly fill in the break in conversation.

“Ight, I’ve held you up enough. Get to class young man” I say lightly

Laffing a bit he says his goodbyes and headed into class.

I watched just for a moment until he fully entered the classroom before I made my way back to my lunch spot.

Lawdddd these girlies were gonna love hearing about this. I could already feel the fan girl giggling we all would let out about these little details.

Walking over to the table I began replaying everything in my head.

I was secure in who I was, but Clark seems on a whole other level. I also knew Pete so I heard bout Clark’s massive crush on Lana all the time. And she was everything.

Kind, smart, opinionated, beautiful, and hilarious. I even lowkey had a crush on Lana to hell. She was onna the first friends I made when I moved to Smallville. Whitney may have been her boyfriend but just by the way they looked at each other I could tell deep down Lana liked Clark too.

It’s crazy how a moment of overthinking and something that you were excited for turns sour.

I try to justify my bad thoughts, ofc Clark wouldn’t like me. I mean do I even like Clark ? He’s not even all that.

No

Clark didn’t do anything.

Lana didn’t do anything.

I didn’t do anything.

Being mean to myself and attacking them only made me feel awful.

A quick fix from being an asswhole to ppl who didn’t do anything wasn’t gonna get me far or make me feel better.

All these thoughts just cause I had a small,

Small

Small crush on someone lord save me.

No,

I can stop this, Clark is nice, and being his friend would make me happier than anything else.

Just friends, no crush.

That’s enough.

The walk back only took about 3 minutes I thought. Taking a deep inhale in and out,

Calm,

I am calm and I will not let a crush drive me crazy not again.

Turning the corner I could see Rose was seated talking with our friend Devan.

Walking up I didn’t even get a word in before Devan started asking questions, I respected her speed.

“Did he smell nice? How do you feel? Class together?!!! You walked him to class ???? Rose told me you got his freaking number ??? Like helloooo.!! Y/n cmon don’t hold out” devan said practically buzzing.

It was like talking to the girls no matter how unserious we were being always made me feel better.

“He smelt amazing, think woody with notes of vanilla, I feel pretty normal actually, he switched from his old class into mine. So we’ll be having class together for the rest of the year. He walked me to the lunch table, then I walked him to class. He was just being friendly guys trust” sitting down I let out a little sign at the last part, of course for no reason in particular.

“Friendly” Rose said looking at Devan

“Friendly” Devan said looking at Rose.

“Friendly” they now both said looking at me.

I was beginning to hate that word.

“We’re gonna work on the yearbook project together. Also have y’all finished applying to the colleges you want. I’m almost done, just gotta write my essay. I wanna have it all done as soon as possible, with all respect due I’m not tryna stay in Smallville any longer then I have too”

“Pause rewind, I wanted us to be partners for that. I know you said you’d still work with me but I don’t want you to be doing all the y/n (nick name). Immediately no longer team Clark, he needa back up a bit stealing my wife” Rose said while picking all the pepperonis off her pizza for Devan.

“We can still work together trust, it’s just I don’t wanna leave him out in the cold. He just got in there and doesn’t really know anyone in class. Besides, it's not like the project needs to be done in a day, I can multitask beloved.” To keep the narcissism at a low level, I try not to think about it all the time, but to say I was more than okay at art was putting it nicely.

Art was my shit, my sauce, my thing.

So it wasn’t like doing both projects would be the end of the world for me, and I was not bout to leave my friend hanging just cause Clark was there now.

Opening my lunch box I almost shed a tear at what was packed. My Ma had recently given me the recipe to her famous rice and beans, and I had finally braved up to trying it out myself. It was ofc not as good as hers, Gordon Ramsey couldn’t make better rice and beans than my ma. Nonetheless it was close, and compared to the mid oatmeal’s I had been packing for lunch this was Michelin Star in my eyes.

I went silent for a moment there just absolutely fucking it up. I was so entranced by my food that I started doing a little jig. Small things like this made thinking about your not-crush seem so stupid.

Like who cares about Clark Kent there’s Rice and Beans in this world ‼️

The girls and I continued on about the upcoming school project as I reserved myself to my food, giving small comments here and there. I was a quick eater so it wasn’t long before I rejoined the conversation as a full member.

“Hey did yall read the new article from the torch? Apparently there’s been a string of students falling into comas after they started seeing these weird creatures. Chloe’s writing is riveting per usual. This time though she mentioned it in connection with that particle explosion in Central City. She thinks there’s a connection between our so called “special space rocks'' and all those weird things happening in the city.” Devon was mid-bite of what looked to be a pretty good looking sandwich when she began talking bout our local school newspaper, The Torch.

“Oh I was reading bout that, well I was reading bout the streak and they mention the particle accelerator explosion, the writer thought there might be a connection between the two.” Rose said, checking her phone.

“We have 10 more minutes of lunch, I’m dreading math. I heard Miss Anhook was giving out quizzes today”

“Ohhhh don’t say that, I alr hate thinking about the class when I’m actually in there. I don't wanna ruin my lunch with such thoughts” I said rubbing the sides of my temples, math was truly made by some evil spirit.

Eating more of my rice and beans the conversation digressed back to The Torch.

“What do you think has all these students in a coma ?” I asked separating the rest of my food into 4 perfect bites.

“I heard that all the first few got sick after going to the last football game, and ppl think it spread from there” Devan remarked

“Y/n didn’t you go to the last game ? Did you see anything weird ?” Rose said curiously.

She was right but I couldn't recall anything being abnormal about that night. I was just about to tell her I didn’t see anything when I remembered leaving the game, usually I would park pretty close to the football field but Jade and I got there later cause we couldn’t find our Digital cameras and we really wanted to get cute pictures that night since we finally got to see each other in person after so long because she was now in Metropolis. By the time we got there the parking lot was beyond full so we opted for parking a little walk out.

When the game ended and we were walking back to the car Jade had pointed out a small group of ppl doing something strange, but it was so dark and neither of us could make out anything for real so we just continued on back to the car.

Jade swore she saw a green light coming from the group when we talked about the game over at the local burger place everyone went to after games.

But we both abandoned the conversation after more and more of our friends packed in and everyone began talking to each other about plans for after the food.

I recap the night to the girls “ definitely weird but I don’t know if I would say it’s connected to the sleeping students”

The conversation continues but with no real evidence or sources we naturally move onto something else and before long the lunch’s bells rang it was time for the next period.

The rest of the day goes by pretty uneventful until last period when a student was found near the football field passed out like the others. Keeping us in a hold so no one was in the halls while the student was driven to the hospital

This would be the 6th student affected and all of them somehow connected to the football team.

Maybe I could ask Clark about it… it would give me an excuse to text him…

Taking out my phone and going to messages and finding his contact. Ig in all the commotion of the day I didn’t notice that he had actually texted.

It was a photo of the assignment he was doing in photography. Under the photo Clark left a little message.

“The newspaper template I made, not as cool as I woulda hope but I figured you would like to see it 🙂”

Even his emojis were cute.

This was so frustrating.

Liking both messages I thought about what I should say.

After a few moments of coming up with nothing I take a screenshot of the message and send it to Jade.

“What should I say ?”

[teethpaste]

It’s so weird how the body will try and protect you like. I am incapable of feeling grief right now. I know it will hit me like a fucking Mac truck in about a month

When I was here in Ireland in July thinking my grandma had days to live, because the doctors told us so, and urged everyone stateside to drop what they were doing and come to Ireland for goodbyes, I was torn up. I was the first one here because I was already in Dublin on business and luckily my job just let me work from Ireland for about 2 months. So that happened. But then she got palliative chemo, and somehow here she is, 5 months later, against the odds in stage 4 lung cancer. I can tell she is so tired. I feel like she was holding on for this holiday and that as soon as I leave Ireland come December 29, it’s going to happen quickly. Which I hate to even write into existence, but sometimes, you just feel it.

And I hope it doesn’t. But I also don’t want her to be in pain. Chemo ravages the body. Her last treatment was over a month ago but the cancer has spread through her whole body and it is wearing her down. She went from still bartending at 77 and going out with her friends weekly + walking the 2 mile trek into town everyday, to finding out she a tumor overtaking her right lung (completely collapsed at this point) from years of smoking. I was sitting with her at the table the other night before I went to the pub, painting her nails, and she asked “can we talk about something morbid”

Things hardly feel morbid these days. So I tell her yes, of course. I feel like I have this desensitized view around death now. Or I’m numb to it. Like my body remembers watching my dad die and is like HEY ITS FINE, don’t be sad in the moment. Because you can’t be. You have things to do. Then you can cave in on yourself.

Anyways, when I told her sure we can, she then got embarasssd and I had to beg a little for her to tell me . She then says “right. Because I know you’ll have the energy to handle”. She just tells me how she wants to be presented for her wake. No makeup, but make sure her eyebrows are done. Hair with a bandana. Jean shirt. Nails painted. Cowboy boots on that she never got to wear in Vegas this year. She starts telling me about where jewelry is and what she wants in a service. I listen and file it away.

I still think I’m stuck on “because you’ll have the energy to handle”. I think about when my dad died, my mom and sister were inconsolable. About how it happened so quickly and we as humans make it very complicated. Do you know how hard it is to transfer a body across state lines? The hospital doesn’t tell you what to do. I had to google so many funeral homes that morning. I think about those people too. The sanitized nature of conversations. The first place I called didnt say any niceties. They immediately went to prices so I hung up. Second place was more of the same and the third place asked me how I was doing and if I wanted to share anything about him. So I went with them. My dad didn’t leave a will so I had to pull the trigger on weather to cremate or bury. I went with the former and was sick for months thinking I made the wrong choice but one day a few months ago my mom found a random letter he wrote, tossed behind his living room chair, where he noted cremation was a better option bc of the $ and finally that guilt left me.

Did you know that when you list you’re an organ donor on your license, they have to call the family? And when they call, there is light elevator music playing in the background, and mere hours after your person dies, a woman with a nasally voice will calmly ask, “May we take his skin and eyes?” I felt like I was in a cronenberg movie. I remember being so shocked at the matter of factness of the question. Being disturbed but thankful neither my mom or sister were doing this part. I remember saying “why would you want that, do you know how he died? How are those parts even usable” and she paused . And “hmm’d” and as she began to speak I said “no we won’t be donating”.

Anyways. I’m trying to be present while I’m here in Ireland for the holidays. I want to cry but I can’t. This is the last time Christmas will feel like Christmas. I’ve never much liked the holiday. But after my dad died I’ve hated thanksgiving and Christmas even more. Being with my grandma here in Ireland makes it feel like that “magic” is still there a little. But I know it will be completely gone by this time next year and I hate that.

I also worry bout my mom and how she’s taking it. She lost her dad in 2023, her husband in 2024 and now her mom’s dying. That’s how it goes I guess. I stayed in tonight but she went out to the pubs with her friends and came home absolutely trashed. She made it up the stairs before I heard her start violently vomiting. It’s always strange when you switch places with your folks. I took off her clothes and got her changed into Pjs. Brought her water and crackers. She laid with her head in my lap as I stared at the wall. Being around this kind of stuff always makes me wonder if I’ll regret not having kids. Like the fact that when I’m her age, and my grandmas age, I’ll effectively be alone. Like yes there are friends etc but I won’t have children or grand children. Just makes me feel weird.

Anyways now it’s 6 in the morning and I’m going on a run in the 22 degree morning air. Bye bye.

[riverheadrangers]

hello!! im planning on visiting with my family, anything you recommend we do while we are there??

I’m so glad you asked! We have loads of activities suitable for families! Here are my top 5:

1. Scavenger Hunt

On the vast majority of our family trails, we have free scavenger hunt kits. These come with a checklist, and a pencil. As you walk the trail there will be numerous wooden animal sculptures, (I won’t spoil it!) but if you write down the first letter of each one, it spells out a word! Bring this piece of paper back to the ranger who gave it to you (typically me) and you’ll be given a special prize :)! (The prizes are suitable for any little ones! A forest colouring book and crayons, some plastic binoculars, a plastic gold medal, cardboard crown OR fox ear headband! All in a lightweight box) This is available on Friday to Sunday from 2pm to 6pm.

2. Go horseback riding (including Shetland ponies for kids)

Riverhead has a cheap horse riding activity available with 3 different skill sets including a beginner set (most suitable for people with little to no riding experience and children.) This experience takes you down a beautiful, flat ground but natural trail, with incredible sight seeing opportunities along the way. This is available on weekends from 3pm to 5pm.

3. Camping

Our camping areas are booking only, but the site comes with three outdoor showers and three bathrooms, there should be a stall ran by one of my coworkers that sells cutlery and dishes, disposable safe bbq’s, hot chocolate, marshmallows and blunt wooden skewers. This shop is open every day of the week including weekends from 1-3:30pm.

4. Stargazing

During certain times of year, it gets dark quite quickly. Every Thursday we open up our Stargazing gazebo. This is a wooden, heated gazebo with a glass ceiling and can house up to 36 people, rangers included. This gazebo is in a clearing near the entrance and is the best place to see constellations :)! As you watch, the rangers will bring round snacks and tell the family friendly versions of the stories behind the constellations. This runs from 6-7pm and is completely free, but a first come first serve basis, including seat booking.

5. Last but not least we have our hiker challenges!

These run everyday, including weekends. Scan the QR code at the beginning of the trail and it’ll start counting the miles :) if you complete the full hike you’ll be given a screen to fill in with your postal information and we will send out a real, metal medal with loads of intricate designs on them based on which hike you completed, this is completely free!

[badgirlhungry]

December Diary ⛄️🧦🍁🎄🎅🏼🎁🎉🎂🎈🍾🎆❄️

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My goal is to add to this everyday of December to help keep me accountable to my goal.

My boyfriend’s family always does a huge New Year’s party and last year I didn’t go because I was embarrassed of how fäț I was.

This year I want to show tf up and amaze everyone w how good I look.

My birthday is this Saturday (24🥳) so I want to get to 155lb by then, and then I have the rest of the month to lock in and hopefully get to a MAINTAINABLE 150. I’ve never gone below 155 (yes I know that’s embarrassing).

I always make progress and then mess it all up when I get emotional because of my bipolar disorder. My sugar cravings get so so so bad and then I give in because I get depressed and miss my boyfriend.

But I want this month to be different. I’m holding myself accountable. I want to amaze everyone. If I look super good I might go get a piercing or tattoo or dye my hair so that I can post on IG and woo everyone lol. So self-centered!

So anyways, here we go,

Sunday 12/1/24: walked 4.5 miles today while on 24 hour fast! Lifted at the gym for an hour. Then came home to eat around 5pm.

Had an Oikos Triple Zero 15g protein greek yogurt (90kcal) mixed berry flavor. So delicious.

Added 2 tablespoons of flax/chia seeds (70kcal)

Then, I snacked on half of a 16oz bag of baby carrots (90kcal). Dipped some of them in dijon mustard before I read the label (so stupid—I threw the bottle away immediately after) (100kcal😞).

total intake: 350kcal || calories burned: 300

not bad. weight after my walk: 164.4

let’s hope tomorrow I go #2 lol. But I am planning to see a movie w my boyfriend… so hopefully we don’t get any food 😳😳

Monday 12/2/24: just woke up, went #2!!! lol weighed myself before drinking water and now I’m 162.8!! Yay not bad!!! 5 days to lose 7 lbs I think I can do it…? Will update later

update 12/2/24: well my bf got hïğh and slept all day, so we didn’t end up going to the movies. we did other stuff instead ;-) but then he order mcdonald’s and i was so uncomfortable bc he wanted me to eat some. i refused but he stuck one (1) french fry in my mouth and made me take 1 (one) tiny bite of his sandwich (so gross). but other than that i fasted. not mad.

when i got back, I went on the treadmill and did 4 miles in 68 mins (ik im slow). I also lifted earlier. so I just weighed myself rn and im 161.0!!!! almost back to my pre-thanksgiving weight!! very happy w this number but really hoping for more by the end of the week. kinda worried of how drastic im taking it (even tho ik to some this ain’t sħïť lol). butttt hopefully no bad consequences. now im gonan drink some tea and sleep 8 hours :-) excited for tmrw it’s a big day. im turning in my grad school app! yay <3 burned 400 cals and today i bought a vâpè (don’t tell me bf lol)

12/3/24: GRAD SCHOOL APP SUBMITTED!!!! HUGE DAY!!!! Berkeley Fall 2025 here I comeeee!!!!!! lol but because I was grinding out my application today I did not have time for any movement. Didn’t get any steps today :(

But, I’m not too mad. I didn’t eat today again so we’ll see if I lost any weight in the morning. I doubt it but it’s fine because today was a needed work day. All the stress lifted off my shoulders! Thankful to be alive and healthy rn. Let’s make tmrw a good day 💕

12/4/24: just woke up and weighed myself and omg! 158.8!! 3.8 more pounds to go in 3 days!! I think I can do it ! I haven’t ate since Sunday! Hopefully i’ll spend some serious time at the gym and doing cardio today. Gonna try to drink a lot of water today bc yesterday I didn’t. But, I have bad news. I have a doctor appt today for a check up and Im nervous. I don’t know if they’re gonna notice the disorder or if I’m gonna slip up and accidentally hint at it. We’ll see. I’ll update soon.

doctor appt was fine. scale at dr office said 159 (clothes on duh). blood pressure was good. came home and ate 6 egg whites: 6g protein each equals 36g. 30 kcal each equals 180 cal. omad done. 72 hour fast complete. honestly i got full off of the first one and it hurt my tummy, but it’s okay bc i feel like it was healthy. whatever. tmrw my prof said they are bringing snacks to class so im gonna try really hard to be mindful of what i eat. hoping to stay disciplined. happy w my progress so far. only walked 2 miles today tho that’s lame :/

12/5/24: holy crap I had such bad anxiety going to school today after 3 weeks off. But I went and for both my classes my professor brought cuties. So I had two in my first class, and then two in my second class. I wasn’t sure if I could eat them but I googled the nutrition facts and they’re mainly water and high in potassium and vitamin C of course so I decided it was okay. 40 kcals each so 160 kcal total. I think that’s okay. Now I just got home and I’m kinda hungry so I decided I’m going to boil two eggs. 70 kcal each with 6.5 grams protein so about 17ish grams protein today and 300kcal total. not bad. Later I went to the gym and lifted and walked 3.5 miles on treadmill. Probably burned 150kcal.

12/6/24: Well, my bday is tmrw and the goal was to be 155. I weighed myself this morning and I’m still 158.6. That’s okay though I knew 155 was a lofty goal. Hopefully my boyfriend thinks I’m attractive. At least I still have until Dec 31 to get skinnier.

Anyways, rn I just had a Oikos triple zero yogurt strawberry flavor which is 90kcal 15g protein. Now I need to go workout and get some steps in. Check in later. Update I did only 1.5 miles lol

12/7/24:!!!! it’s my birthday!!!!!! my boyfriend came over last night and we had so much fun 🥰🥰 now we’re going out today and I’m gonna have crumbl cookie and my favorite italian restaurant !! im not gonna worry about the calories but i am gonna watch my portion. im gonna eat super slow and chew my food intentionally. im gonan take home most of it so i don’t eat a lot. then my boyfriend can eat it all later. so excited for this challenge. i wanna show myself i can be strong around food. also!! just weighed myself and…. drumroll… im 156.6!!!! the goal was 155 but im still really happy with that!!! i lost nearly 10 lbs this week so i think i did a great job!! im almost to my lowest weight. it’s okay that im gonna eat a lot today bc what’s the worst i can do? gain 3 lbs? im not mad!!! yayyyyyyy birthday!!! cheers to good health and more blessings 🥰🥰🥰

okay update for 12/7: i ate hellllla. i had starbs and crumbl cookie and fettuccine alfredo. but im NOT UPSET about it. it was an amazing birthday w the loml. not weighing myself until after my next fast.

12/8/24: so I had to babysit all day today and I always eat hella when I do bc the ppl I babysit for have sm good fresh organic healthy food. So yes, I binged, but it was all healthy food like grapes, strawberries, low sodium sausage, etc etc. not mad about how much I ate because it made me happy.

12/9/24: so today I went way overboard. I had a hot chocolate that a friend got me. then my boyfriend got me pancakes from ihop. I know I didn’t have to eat them but I did. so now I feel like a huge fatty. three days in a row of eating is crazy. but I’m starting my fast now and im not eating for the rest of the week. I will weigh myself tmew after my fast.

12/10/24: haven’t ate since yesterday at about 4pm so im already at the 24 hour mark. I still don’t want to weigh myself bc I haven’t gotten in any cardio. i’ve been doing finals all day. I’ll weigh tmrw bc im scared.

12/11/24: finally went to the gym today. still haven’t eaten so i passed the 48 hour fast mark. still haven’t done any cardio but that’s bc i wanted to use the extra food i ate to build muscle so i trained legs and booty hard. I weighed this morning after going pee and im ashamed but im 162. so I gained 5 lbs. that’s not horrible tho. ik i can lose it if i keep fasting. im going to weigh myself again tmrw morning and see if it changes which i think it will. im seeing my boyfriend again this weekend so i need to get back to 160 at the very least. even tho he doesn’t care but whatever. i love him. at least i feel strong rn. tmrw im gonna try to wake up early to go work out before class. wish me luck.

update 12/11: fuck i broke my fast after 54 hours :/ i ate 3/4 can of tuna (140 kcal) (28g protein) with some lite mayo (40kcal) and half a bag of baby carrots (80kcal). so ima round up to like 280kcal. not bad but damn i was doing so good.

12/12/24: in-class final today and i ate a lot. had 3 slices of pizza, and like a handful of cookies man. but that’s okay it was well deserved. but then I smoked after and doordashed ben n jerrys. fumbled. ate the whole pint. so def over 2thousand kcal today. pain. painnnn.

12/13/24: first day of work today. fasted. boyfriend coming over so i has to buy some groceries for him and me. got us healthy foods. we got high and i ate the other ben n jerrys pint. fuck. fucked up. def over 2thousand kcal again. fuck. least i had a good ass workout before he came over.

12/14/24: boyfriend and i went to the movies and got popcorn but it tasted like shit. we also got sonic drive thru bc i had a gift card and i ate more ice cream. then bc i was uncontrollable binge, i doordashed more ice cream and cake and chocolate once he left. i didn’t eat it all but i did eat a shit tone. prolly over 5thousand kcal fr. kms whatever.

12/15/24: i hate my life but whatever. fasted all day. i miss my boyfriend so bad i keep crying. wanted to dǐě today. wish he loved me more. then i finally got dressed and did my makeup to go to the gym only to find out my university gym is closed for 5 weeks until next semester. devastated. kms. so now i need to figure out what ima do without it bro. ihml. i just wish he loved me. time to starve another week away. work tmrw. man :( i’ll weigh myself maybe tmrw. we’ll see

12/16/24: didn’t eat at work. came home ate salmon fillet cooked in olive oil but. ate it w nori and an avocado. not even gonna measure that shit but it can’t be more than 1thousand kcal. i’m tired asf.

12/17/24: ate 3 pears at work and other random shit. not more than 1thou kcal. too tired to gaf. idk why i’m depressed.

12/18/24: alright today was a good day. finally fucking weighed myself. walked 2 miles at work, then got home and went for a mf 5 mile walk biiiiiiiiiťch. 16k steps. at work i ate like 3 chicken nuggets, 2 handfuls of cranberries. a few spoonfuls of mashed potatoes. prolly like 600kcal tbh. then i went straight to the gym and lifted heavy. then my walk and i weighed myself and i was 162 again which is good considering i was 167 again after my weekend binge. so i’m not mad. i can get back under 160 by the weekend as long as i don’t fuck up. still so far from my december goal tho :(

but then i got amazing news. my bf told me his mom asked me to come over for their new year’s party (i already assumed i was invited, but it still feels nice to hear her say it). so that DEFFFFF motivated me to lock in more bc ik she’s gonna wanna see if i’ve lost/gained weight. so now i’m super locked in. for dinner i ate 2 of the oikos triple zero with some raspberries and blackberries. so 250kcal we’ll say. but i’m just excited for tmrw bc it’s gonna be a busy ass day and i’m hoping that i burn hella calories. might snack thooooo. we’ll see. it’s okay bc i’m locked in. and ima try so hard to go to the gym after work. ily guys. pray for me to get to 155 for new years please omg.

[shellylynn89]

Minnesota Yacht Club Festival - July 19 & 20

Buckle up, this is gonna get long.

This was an exciting one to go to; it was the inaugural year of the festival, and just cool to have a solid festival that didn't require out of state travel. I was ready for a good time after the past 24 hours - a full day of work, followed by an evening 5 mile run (yes, the same one I skipped last summer's Fall Out Boy concert for!), driving for 2+ hours, only to arrive at our hotel shortly after midnight - in the early hours of the Microsoft outage. Cory & Tom kept me awake and distracted as we waited in the hotel lobby with a half dozen strangers, all exhausted and desperate for our pre-booked rooms. Nearly an hour later, we got to our room and went to bed. I barely slept.

Fueled by a Red Bull and an almond croissant from the Italian bakery down the block, we walked the mile or so to Harriet Island in the sun. While descending the massive staircases, we wondered how climbing back up them would feel at the end of the day.

Gully Boys, a local Twin Cities band (and the first act of the day) were starting their set on the main stage as we walked in. I liked their sound and anecdotes. We walked around a bit while they played; since it was a smaller festival with only 2 stages, you could hear the music throughout most of the grounds. Another local band, Harbor & Home played next on the other stage. They sounded great and had a good rapport with the crowd. We went to get food after their set, and ate delicious, enormous slices of pizza in the grass while listening to Morgan Wade. We wandered around a bit more after eating, and I noticed a dragonfly sitting on the zipper of the crossbody bag I had on, just left of center over my stomach. I've seen people symbolize dragonflies as lost loved ones, and immediately wondered if this was my dad. The longer it stayed perched the more I felt certain, and nearly 5 minutes later when it flew away I felt a strange calm and comfort that stuck with me the rest of the day.

Shortly after 4pm, we refilled our water bottles and hit the porta potties for the last time until the end of the night and made our way back to the main stage, where Joan Jett and The Blackhearts would be playing at 4:40. Originally, we had planned to bounce back and forth between the two stages all day, but when the Black Crowes cancelled due to illness, we decided to just stay at the main stage through the evening; everyone else we were excited for on day 1 was playing there. I had seen Joan Jett and The Blackhearts once before, at Warped Tour in 2006. At that time, I was surprised to see such veterans on the lineup, but was thrilled to get the opportunity to see them. They played a great set, and Joan Jett sounded and looked fantastic. Eighteen summers later, it was a very similar experience. They sounded great (and Joan still looks fantastic), opening with Victim of Circumstance, then speeding into Cherry Bomb. Other than brief song introductions, they preferred rocketing from one song to the next with minimal bantering and interacting with the crowd. That made for a tight, energetic set with a lot of solid covers (Everyday People, Crimson & Clover, etc.). Of course, they closed with Bad Reputation, which feels even better to sing along to in a crowd full of people.

We stayed in the crowd after they left the stage, checking our phones and taking any opportunity to squeeze closer to the stage. We could hear the faint, vague sound of Durry playing at the opposite stage in the distance.

An hour later I felt a distinct energy shift, and Gwen Stefani pranced onstage singing The Sweet Escape, flanked by what felt like too many dancers for the stage. While I thought the last set was energetic, Gwen was radiating excitement. I grew up on No Doubt, learning all the words to Don't Speak and Just a Girl sometime in elementary school. I didn't love her solo work as much, but it's still plenty of fun. I went into the show expecting mostly solo songs, and was pleasantly surprised when she sang Sunday Morning second, followed by three more No Doubt songs in a row. Soon after, she surprised the crowd by bringing out Blake Shelton to sing their song Purple Irises together. It was sweet to see them together - him in an unassuming button down and jeans, her in a bizarre mess of blue plaid and fishnet - a seemingly random pairing that simultaneously looks completely right. The second half of her set was more dominated by her solo work (though by the end, it was a pretty even split between solo songs and No Doubt songs). She talked to the crowd about having family here - in Minneapolis, before correcting herself, "No, I know this is St. Paul! I know they're not the same!" The minor acknowledgement felt like she understood the area well enough to speak on it this way. She got offstage and reached over the barrier during Luxurious. It smelled like Victoria's Secret Love Spell and weed in the crowd. The vibes were immaculate. Gwen said, "This song was written back when I still lived in Anaheim, California, but I feel like this song is a little more relevant now" right before the band kicked in with the intro to Just a Girl. It felt cathartic to sing along in this specific moment in time and history. That was followed by Hollaback Girl, a perfect set closer, and a good shift from the anger that began bubbling up when I thought about how relevant Just a Girl really is.

At this point, I was grateful that The Black Crowes had to drop from the lineup. They were set to play on the opposite stage between Gwen Stefani and Alanis Morissette, and by this point we had worked our way up to having only a few people in front of us. While Alanis had not been as constant a music staple as No Doubt had been, Jagged Little Pill got me through some very difficult middle school years. This was easily the set I was most excited for out of the whole weekend.

To say the least, Alanis did not disappoint me. She opened with Hand In My Pocket, followed by Right Through You, two Jagged Little Pill classics. During the latter, the screen behind the stage showed statistics about abuse towards women. It was so fitting for the song, and while bleak, felt important and unsurprising to see in the context. A few songs later she sang Hands Clean, another dark song that I didn't fully understand when I was growing up, but obsessed over nonetheless. It always stuck with me in some way. It's one of those songs for me that will randomly pop in my head when I haven't heard it in a few years and I just feel like, I have to listen to this right now, and proceed to obsess over it again for three months before forgetting it again for three years. She continued through her set that was consistently peppered with songs from Jagged Little Pill (playing nearly the whole album by the end), and eventually hit Mary Jane. This was one that made me feel some way when I first heard it in the fifth grade. My excitement continued to get swallowed by emotion. She followed that with Perfect, a song I definitely listened to on repeat for probably hours on end in middle school, and I started crying like I did when I listened to it back then, screaming along to every word louder than I ever could in my childhood bedroom. Next, she brought her daughter & daughter's friend onstage to sing the first half of Ironic with her. It was very sweet. She made a perfect lyrical update I wasn't expecting - "it's like meeting the man of my dreams, then meeting his beautiful husband". My tears dried over the next few songs, and then I was screaming along in a whole different way to You Oughta Know. Alanis left the stage my mind blanked on anything she hadn't - but should've - done. How could she follow up You Oughta Know? But there's no way she's bailing with almost 10 minutes of set time left? A lone spotlight flicked on, shining on Alanis as a piano began playing the opening notes to Uninvited. Of course, how could I forget this song? Although I had been aware of her magnetic stage presence since Hand In My Pocket, the sparse lighting and accompaniment enhanced it to an overwhelming degree. The summer night bugs flocked under the light, buzzing around Alanis in a way that added to the already eerie atmosphere. Goosebumps covered my arms, I felt transfixed. As I wondered if we'd just get a one song encore, I heard the opening notes to Thank U, and immediately fell apart again. This is another song that pops in my head from time to time and results in a months-long obsession. How could I have forgotten it? I kept myself quiet long enough to record part of the song, and then let everything go. HOW 'BOUT UNABASHEDLY BAWLING YOUR EYES OUT? I had to catch my breath after the song was over. I'd never been so emotionally moved at a concert, which is saying a lot.

The crowd began to disperse and Cory, Tom and I started heading for the exit. They casually agreed that Alanis was "pretty awesome". I wiped my eyes and softly added, "I feel like I did some real inner child work in there." They nodded. We climbed the stairs to the bridge and headed back to the hotel, discussing the day we had and what we had to look forward to tomorrow. I honestly didn't even care, I got what I needed.

I didn't sleep, again, but was still riding high enough from the day before to handle it. We arrived a bit later than the day before, and didn't pay much attention to any act until Soul Asylum. I had been told they're terrible live, but we figured we might as well see them. As we listened to them, I didn't understand why I had been warned so heavily. Runaway Train was a great nostalgic moment. After their set, Tom and Cory agreed they sounded better than the last time they'd seen them. We made a game plan for the rest of the day as we ate sloppy (but delicious) tacos. The sun was hotter than the day before, and we breathed a sigh of relief everytime we felt it dip behind a cloud. We vaguely paid attention to Trombone Shorty & Orleans Avenue and Hippocampus before we worked our way into the crowd for The Offspring. They were the act I was most excited for that day, and Cory's pick for the whole weekend. Like Joan Jett and The Blackhearts, I saw them at Warped Tour long ago, and they're easily in my top 3 favorite Warped Tour sets. They've never been one of my favorite bands, but I've always liked them, and they left such a strong impression when I saw them before, I knew I was in for a good time. They opened strong with Come Out and Play, and I couldn't help but think of my dad. He would love this for me and would want to hear my stories after the fact. They continued into an energetic set full of hits (including my favorite, Want You Bad) and silly banter between Dexter and Noodles. "I've got a good feeling about this, I think this may just be one of the best shows we've ever had, I think that's gonna happen today...top 5, I don't know"

"This crowd has the potential to be the best thing that's happened to rock and roll ever!"

The crowd roared.

"That's quite a statement"

"I think it could happen with you guys!"

I enjoyed the hyperbole. A bunch of beach balls magically appeared bouncing over the crowd during Why Don't You Get A Job, and they ultimately ended their set with Self Esteem. It was just as much fun as I had hoped (thankfully Cory felt the same).

After much debate, we left the crowd and walked to the outskirts of the other stage's crowd to see Gary Clark Jr. Cory and I had seen him before, at Lollapalooza in 2019 and we both certainly wanted to see him again. Tom was supposed to be with us in 2019, but had to back out last minute thanks to a rough appendectomy. He was torn - he wanted to see Gary Clark Jr., but also wanted to be close to the stage for Red Hot Chili Peppers, who played immediately after at the opposite stage. We ultimately stayed somewhere in between the stages, close enough to hear Gary Clark Jr. through a few killer guitar solos and the majority of his set before weaving our way back into RHCP's crowd 10 or so minutes before they started.

Of course, I grew up listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers, and have casually liked them, less with time as I learn more about the band themselves, honestly. Regardless, I knew they'd put on a fun show. At 8:58, I heard the music start and saw the lights pick up. Simultaneously I could still hear Gary Clark Jr. in the background, closing his set out with This Land - a powerful song about racism. Something about RHCP starting 2 minutes early and disrupting him (during that song, especially) left a bad taste in my mouth. I tried to brush it off like I tried to brush off how much Anthony Kiedis creeps me out - then he sprang out on stage in a fishnet shirt. Nope, couldn't brush off the creepiness. I was able to at least focus on what was in front of me and be in the moment enough to enjoy a well done show. After a little intro jam they got everyone going with Can't Stop, followed by Scar Tissue. Two nostalgic (albeit, for different times) favorites of mine. There were a few newer songs I didn't really know, but the trippy lighting and visuals on the screens were enough to keep my attention. Singing Californication at the top of my lungs felt good. By The Way hit me just right and I felt so grateful to be there. They left the stage after, only to come back for an encore of I Could Have Lied, and of course, Give It Away. I was impressed at Anthony Kiedis' ability to still sing it just right. It was the perfect, fun closer for the weekend.

We talked about our overall experience on the walk back to the hotel, all agreeing that the food options left a bit to be desired, and we heard the bathrooms got a bit dicey towards the end, but in total, pretty solid - especially for the first year of the event. We had each been most excited for different acts, and each of them being our respective favorites (Alanis for me, The Offspring for Cory, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers for Tom) by the end of the weekend. It was a satisfying end to a weekend that started so chaotically. I hope next year's lineup is just as good.

[alia-the-wintergirl]

wednesday, july 10 2024

what i did + ate + feel sad/proud about

non-metabolism day. yippee!

BREAKFAST: 182

apple, large - 1 apple - 116 cals - for the fiber + sweetness. i love apples!

triscuits - 3 crackers - 60 cals - for the salt. i've been really craving salt recently for some reason, if anyone has any tips.

snyder's mini pretzels - 1 pretzel - 6 cals - same reason as the triscuits.

overview: good breakfast, but didn't keep me satisfied, so i had a snack not late after. not so great.

LUNCH: 420

trader joe's miso ramen soup - one carton - 180 cals - main part of the meal. yummy!

tofu, firm - 2oz - 48 cals - for the protein.

baby carrots - 4 pieces - 14 cals - for the fiber and the color in the soup.

peanuts - 1oz - 172 cals - for the fats and protein.

snyder's mini pretzels - 1 pretzel - 6 cals - for the salt.

overview: yummy, and i liked it, but i've read that having the same meal everyday slows your metabolism, so i'm nervous about that.

DINNER: 226

power crunch bar, triple chocolate - one bar - 226 cals - for the protein before fencing practice.

SNACKS: 235

gerber's lil crunchies - 20 pieces - 41 cals - for a little snack. the 20 pieces were spread out throughout the day, with 16 being eaten before my acting program, and 4 being eaten when i got home.

chocolate non pareils - 2 pieces - 36 cals - nobody's surprised to see this one. i ate it for the flavor. luckily those two pieces were my last, and i will not buy them again, not because i don't love them, but because it hurts my self-control.

triscuits - 3 crackers - 60 cals - for the salt. right before fencing i was craving it. i will probably replace all these crackers with seaweed, because the salt content is higher and the calories lower.

nature valley granola bar - 1 piece - 95 cals - eaten at fencing, again for the salt. wasn't even that salty.

overview: i ate most of these for the salt, which is an issue i'll have to correct in the future.

EXERCISE: burned 230 cals

walking for about 3 miles - not logged - part of daily activity

tricep workout - not logged - part of daily activity - i'm so happy i did this!!

jumping rope for 5 minutes - logged - 36 cals burned - happy i did this! oddly enough, jump roping makes my arms tired, not my legs or lungs.

1 hour of general exercise - logged as 30 mins of vigorous workout video exercise - fencing practice is two hours, and the first hour is just working out, so that you're athletic enough to fence competently. the whole hour was extremely vigorous, and i really felt the burn (positive!), but i'm unsure what the exact calories burned are, so i halved it and logged it as a workout video.

fencing - 20 minutes - logged as 12 minutes - i didn't fence so much at fencing this time, because i made a new friend! we gossiped more than we fenced, lol, but we still got in a somewhat decent amount.

SAD ABOUT:

the triscuits and pretzels, simply because they were unplanned and showed a lack of self-control.

PROUD ABOUT:

a lot today!

the tricep workout i did, trying to get rid of my armpit fat. i started it and finished it, which doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it was. my arms are super weak so i used 3-pound dumbbells, but it's a start!

my first hour of fencing! i worked very hard at it, and the teacher of that class (a former Olympian, which is still crazy to me) complimented me a few times! i was very happy.

i walked a lot, and i might be delusional, but i think it's helping a lot.

CONCLUSION:

good day for the most part. still wanna lower my net calories to maybe 650 a day, but this is progress!

i want to increase my salt intake so that i don't eat higher-cal crackers and pretzels and stuff like that. i will probably do it with seaweed.

ate 1063 cals today (a bit much), with -230 (logged as) burned.

NET CALORIES: 833

good day! i'm hungry right now, and about to go to bed, so i get the number one feeling in the world, which is going to bed hungry!

wish you all the best <3

[gggh0st]

Diary of an autistic bitch with OSDID. Entry 1, 05/17/2024.

I start my day with an idea of what my schedule will be like. As long as I follow that idea enough, and don’t do too much different, I’ll be fine. Stuff can change and as long as I’m given warning and time to sit with it I can take changes in my day to day fine. So I wake up yesterday, morning as usual, I have work at 3pm everyday and I leave around 2:25pm because I live sorta far from my job. I can’t drive, and our bus system sucks (America moment) so I rely on two people to get me to and from work. One of them is my friend, who was busy and couldn’t take me to work yesterday which I already knew. The other was my partner’s dad. At 2:20pm, I’m ready to go, grabbing the last of my stuff, when he knocks on our door. He says he can’t take me to work on time, and that I need to call in late because he has an appointment. It should only take an hour. Okay I’m peeved, but what fucking ever. He should’ve told me that sooner, but he didn’t, and now this is happening. I call in and tell them I’ll be one to two hours late. That’s fine, I’ll get over the interruption in my day as long as nothing more changes too much.

So I chill. Then, my mother starts blowing my phone up. She’s a deadbeat who doesn’t have a job and decided to pop out as many kids as she could as an ex-drug addict with her shit ass abusive husband who also doesn’t have a job. She wants money, that’s all she asks me for is money, all the fucking time. “I love you and miss you but also can I have $20?? Can you pay the energy bill?? Can you buy me cigs? The kids want snacks can you send me another $15??” It never ends. I’m already on the edge and she won’t stop. I’m ignoring her, best I can, but it still gets to me. Me and my mom have a complicated relationship, I owe her nothing as she abandoned me for drugs until I was 11 years old. Long story, not the purpose of this whole diary thing I’m starting. But it’s starting to yank on my last fucking nerve. Anyways I wait for my girlfriend’s dad to get home. 3 passes, 4 ticks by. At about 4:20pm I see him pull into the driveway. Okay cool, I finish grabbing all my stuff again and move to head downstairs and I hear the fucking car leave the driveway AGAIN. I look out the window to him pulling away again. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? At this point my girlfriend is off work and walks home since her job is only a mile and half away. I meet up with her because I need to do something besides sit in waiting mode. We get home, 5 comes along and nothing. I’m stressed, tired, overworked, angry, my day has been thrown off, nobody’s communicating with me what the fuck is going on, I try so hard to be on top of my responsibilities and it seems like nobody else cares about it. Finally at 6:15pm my girlfriend’s dad comes home, right as my boss calls and asks me where the fuck I am (rightfully so). I tell her I’m about to leave, I should be there soon, and that I’m sorry. Apologies don’t matter in the adult world, I know that, yet I do it anyway because I AM sorry. I finally get everything and get ready, and after all that, after my girlfriend chewing her dad out for me as I stand like a dumbass kid behind her, we leave.

The first thing her dad asks me? For gas money. This is a fair question, I made a promise to pay for gas money, but the timing? After he made me four hours late for work? After my mom spent the day blowing up my phone for money? I think that’s when I snapped. My body went into fight or flight mode and it chose deer in the headlights. We haven’t dissociated this fucking hard in so long. I gave him my card, I got to work, I did my job, I tried to play along with my favorite coworker but I was in autopilot the whole time. None of us knew what we were doing. We were just going with the motions, letting our bosses glare at us because we deserved it for being so late, often freezing up and just standing up front behind the counter because my schedule and day had been so thrown off that I just couldn’t think. We didn’t know that the fuck to do. Often we handle work stress with grace, we are good at our job! We have this position up front for that reason! Despite all we deal with we are good at this fucking job. And we just made ourself look like an idiot.

My friend and girlfriend routinely come to bother me at work for the last hour since they pick me up. I’m fine with it, it’s nice, makes the time pass. The problem arises when they start to dick off in the store in ways that could get me in trouble. I’m already on edge, I’m already spaced the fuck out, I’m already barely holding on. My girlfriend is in a bad mood, she’s dicking around, my back end manager is watching me and them, and unfortunately for the millionth fucking time I have to tell them to not fucking risk my job fucking off in the store. “There’s a limit and you are pushing it.” I said to her after the third warning. And you know what she says to me? “Womp womp, this job sucks anyways.”

I take a deep breath. And walk away. Sure, it’s a retail job, sure I deal with asshole customers all day, sure my bosses overwork me, sure all this is true. BUT THIS IS THE FIRST JOB IVE BEEN FUCKING CONFIDENT IN. This is the first job I’ve been able to sustain myself off of. I pay both of our rent right now, I pay my phone bill, I have a savings for our apartment we’re moving into in July. And I just. Can’t fucking understand what everyone’s fucking problem is. Am I seriously the only one who cares about my job? Everyone in my life treats my only form of income as a fucking joke. They constantly ask me for money for fucking everything, yet they don’t care about me trying to keep up with my responsibilities. I feel zero fucking support in anything I do. Be it job or hobbies.

I’m tired. Yesterday feels like a blur of nothing. Yesterday doesn’t feel like it existed. None of us know who was fronting for any of it and usually we can track that. None of us understand anything that happened yesterday. It been so long since something like this has just thrown me off so bad. I usually have control of this type of stuff, but yesterday all those months of control and practice and patients went out the fucking window. Today so far has been good, everything’s going to plan, day started early but I was given warning and I’m chilling. I’ll be at work on time, maybe even early! So, maybe we’ll be okay today. I need a calm day, so I’m really fucking hoping everything just stays on track. Really.

[jorge5000]

Luji - Ushguli - Mestia in 4 days (Georgia)

This is a short account of my trek in Svaneti region of Georgia in late August 2022 starting in Leusheri, going to Ushguli and finally ending in Mestia. Hope this will help you plan your own adventure.

Khaldechala river valley between Ushguli and Adishi

In short:

Start from or end in Luji to add an extra day to the classical Mestia - Ushguli trek. Do the trek in Ushguli - Mestia direction to make it easier to find transport after the trek . Mestia is well connected, or, at least way better than Ushguli/Luji.

The track gets less slightly less interesting if walked this way since you start from the part that is most interesting and most distant from everyday life and slowly return to more and more ordinary. Going over the Latpari pass, which is not a part of the standard Mestia - Ushguli trek, was probably the nicest part of the trek for me.

Nowhere in the world have I seen so friendly stray dogs, but if you show them love they might follow you wherever you go and a long way from their home. While this might be convenient for you as they will guard you from other dogs, you might have to leave them disappointed and alone in a surrounding that is unknown to them.

Shepherd dogs are not to be messed with, but should not worry you too much. They are there to guard the cattle so don't come to close to it and they won't come too close to you.

While the trek is not difficult, it often passes through private property. Sometimes the property is protected by a fence, sometimes they charge a passing fee, sometimes you just don't know. Try to find the most up-to-date (GPS) maps to avoid inconveniences for you and land owners.

To add more extra days, it is probably easiest to check out other paths around Mestia.

Beautiful nature, friendly people, good wine, affordable prices, and good flight connections are what made me visit Georgia again, year after year. Don't tell anyone.

Day by day

Day 0 - Arrive to Tbilisi and get to Luji. After arriving in Tbilisi, wait for public transport to Kutaisi or find a taxi and offer the driver a slightly lower price than Bolt price. In Kutaisi, there is a daily bus to Tsageri. It leaves between 10 and 12 o'clock - the exact schedule varies year to year. This bus left me in Tsageri gas station where I caught a local ride to Luji. The local minivan just happened to be there taking passengers in direction of Luji when I arrived and I have no idea what would I have done otherwise. There are a few guesthouses around Luji and you can book some of them online.

The descent towards Ushguli

Day 1 - Luiji to Ushguli. The path starts from the bridge near Luji, goes left from the bridge and then uphill. There is a small water spring right from the path before it starts ascending and that is the last water source for a while so stock up. Ah well, there is a small pond on the way, but you don't want to drink there. After a few hours you will pass by a river, so cold and refreshing, and soon after that you will reach the Latpari pass. A few flowery meadows and a small lake follow. I set up my tent about a mile later, not far from the start of the descend towards Ushguli, so I can enjoy the mountain some more.

Camping with a view on Ushguli

Day 2 - Ushguli to Iprari. Descend towards Ushguli. Just as you get down the mountain, the path goes over a private property where you can either pay the trespassing fee of 2 Lari or enjoy some food and coffee there to avoid the fee. I left my backpack there and went on to enjoy Ushguli old streets, a small museum, and its watch towers. There is a small cinema in Ushguli that shows the locally produced movie Dede. When you've had enough, follow the path down from Ushguli. Again, after you leave you will soon either trespass fenced property or discover new ways around it. After that, the path will go right of the road and diverge from it into a forest with nice views and two water sources along. Path marks say the walk from Ushguli to Iprari should take around 4 hours. After reaching the main road again in Davberi, you will have access to river water. Continue to Iprari. I've set the tent here, not far from Iprari.

Ushguli

Day 3 - Iprari to Adishchala river (before Adishi). Reach Iprari, refill your water bottles, and continue towards the historic village of Khalde where you can enjoy a coffee/snack break. Also, renew your water supplies since it is the last convenient water source for a while. Enjoy the Khaldechala river valley before you start the ascent to Chkunderi pass. Although there was a water source marked on some maps mid-ascent, it was dry. At the top, spend at least a few minutes enjoying the view and the sounds from the nearby glacier. When you descend, you will have to cross the river flowing from the glacier. Usually there are people with horses there and they will charge you 50 Lari to cross. If you arrive late in the afternoon, it is likely that they won't be there anymore and that the water level is dangerously high. I made camp next to the river and waited for the next morning to ford it. There were not many places to pitch a tent due to thick forest and the river was loud, but hey, it is what it is. There were plenty of camping spots on the other side of the river, though.

View of the glacier from Chkunderi pass

Day 3 - Adishchala river (before Adishi) to Chvabiani. Cross the river and follow the path towards Adishi. Enjoy a coffee break in the village. The path continues along a mountain slope with some great views, then reaches a dirtroad, and finally descends through a narrow path to villages around Chvabiani. I couldn't find any good camping spots near there as the terrain in that last part is pretty steep so I decided to stay in private accommodation.

Old guard tower in Adishi. Age of empires anyone?

Day 4 - Chvabiani to Mestia. Continue to Mestia. This last part of the hike has many paths going in between so it shouldn't be difficult to extend it if you would like. If not, just follow the regular route to Mestia. You will trespass some private properties again (or maybe it had gates just to prevent cattle from going there?). There is an international mountain-themed film festival in Mestia as well as some restaurants, shops, hotels. Nothing special, but just enough to relax after the trek. You can buy svanetian salt (svanska sol), a traditional mixture of spices, in a number of tourist shops in Mestia, but you can also get it in Kutaisi at the local marketplace for a fraction of the price.

[house-of-slayterr]

I forgot To Blink:

Part 2 of Blinky’s backstory for @myers-meadow-selfship

Cw: A tiny bit of ableism and verbal abuse, nothing too graphic. (Not me making this a vent fic 🤪)

Blinky’s POV:

We’d been sitting in this musty van all day, Jay insisted on smoking weed without opening a window. I could feel the slight buzz of a second hand high hitting me. But I stayed quiet, not like they would listen anyway. Darla was sat next to me and my brother by her side.

She finally womaned up and asked him out, and I have to say, I don’t know what she saw in him. But he was a little nicer when she was around, and I was grateful for that. Becky was fiddling with the radio, paying whatever popular garbage was current. And Jay drummed his hands against the wheel as he hummed along.

I could feel that familiar dooms day feeling crashing over me. It happened anytime a place got too loud or too stuffy. I thought I was doing a good job at hiding it, but I guess I screwed that up too. Darla turned to me and squeezed my hand lightly.

“You good?” She whispered.

I shook my head.

“Hey Jay, you think we can stop for some fresh air? I’m getting a little cramped back here.” She asked.

I was thankful she didn’t throw me under the bus. It confused me how someone so kind could be attracted to my brother. He barley even paid attention to her when they were together, unless they were making out or having sex. I doubt he even knew her favourite colour. It was obvious it was purple, she wore it almost everyday.

“We’re never gonna make it to the damn beach if we keep stopping.” My brother snapped.

“Relax dude, we need some gas anyways. We’ll just stop up ahead and you can get us more beer yeah?” Jay said.

It was typical the person driving got to make the decisions on a road trip. Or so I’d read. My brother just grumbled. We pulled into a desolate little stop. There were only 4 gas pumps, and the pavement was sun bleached. It’s the type of place you’d typically want to avoid. But right now I would walk face first into a sharks mouth if it meant getting out of this damn car.

I watched as Jay took the keys out of the ignition and stepped unbuckled. He was about to open the door when I spoke up.

“You can’t pump your own gas here, you’ll get a fine.” I warned.

“Oh, thanks.” He said simply, hopping out and heading toward the door to go get someone.

But before he made it across the parking lot, someone was already on their way over. They probably don’t get a lot of visitors. The man had an odd appearance, at least for a day job. He kinda looked like a clown, and I giggled slightly to myself.

“What a freak.” My brother commented.

Reminding me of my already sour mood. He grabbed Darla’s hand and dragged her inside. I followed behind and left Becky in the front seat. Last thing I needed was to be trapped alone in a conversation with her. Talking with her was made me want to smash my head into a brick wall. She only cared about material things, and skin care. One more comment about how I’d look nicer if I just put on some mascara and I was going to rip out all my eyelashes just to spite her. Being seen as “pretty” served me no interest, I didn’t want to attract boys, or any attention really.

I shuffled into the gas station, looking around. It seemed like some sort of gift store, one stop shop combo. Guess it made sense, there wasn’t much for miles. Best to be the store that has everything so you make all the profits. I could feel eyes on me when I entered. I could always tell when someone was watching, it gave that uncomfortable feeling that made your skin crawl. I believe that was what people were referring to when they talked about “goosebumps”. Emotions were hard for me to understand, no one could ever explain them to me.

I tried to ignore it, still calming down from the anxiety of travelling somewhere I didn’t know. I don’t even know why my brother brought me along. I hated the beach and everything it brought with it. The hot sand, the salty water, the slimy stones or seaweed or little fish that caught you off guard. Not to mention the shallow boys doing stupid things to impress girls, but really it’s just a show for their friends. And the half naked girls throwing themselves at any guy with a little muscle. It simply wasn’t my scene. But Mother always insisted I go along with him, hoping I’d make a friend and stop being her problem. That’s all I ever really was to them, a problem.

My eyes landed on some colourful packaging and I stalked over to it. They were sour gummy worms! I loved sour Candy! In my excitement I seemed to forget who I was in the company of a si approached the counter. My brother yelled at me in annoyance and stomped after of the store after paying for his beer. Darla followed after him like a puppy dog. I looked through my pockets to see if I had any money left. Jay left his wallet in the car at the last dinner so I paid for dinner. I had just wanted to leave. I sighed when I realised I didn’t have anything left. My money for the entire trip wasted. As I was about to put it back, the man from behind the counter held out his hand. I looked at him confused.

I attempted to explain to him I didn’t have enough money and was just going to put them back. But it seemed like he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Why was he being so nice? It wasn’t a very smart business move to sell a product for less than it was worth. By the looks of this place, they weren’t making enough money from stray tourists. I sighed handing him my necklace. He could think of it as a tip, he seemed like a hard worker. I gave a tight lipped smile before I walked back to the car.

My brother was behind the wheel now and it seemed he was eager to leave this place. I watched as we pulled into an old rundown motel. I stayed behind as they talked to the receptionist and got the keys. I leaned up against the side of the van.

“The fuck are you laying around for? Get the bags in the room!” My brother snapped, tossing me the key.

I didn’t waste any time, knowing I could rest soon if I got it done. I heard Becky’s ear piercing laughter as I struggled to drag the last bag inside. Despite the no smoking sign on the outside of the door, Jay had already lit another joint and was passing it around the room.

“Thanks for bringing in our bags.” Darla said.

At least someone appreciated my efforts. I slumped down against the wall in the back corner.

“Wanna hit?” Jay asked.

I opened my mouth to speak, but my brother beat me too it.

“Don’t waste your good weed on them man. They wouldn’t even know the difference.”

Jay just shrugged, taking another hit. I tuned out the noise as I slumped back against the wall. This corner wasn’t too bad, at least the carpet was kinda soft. There were two queen beds, and it made sense the couples would get them. I just prayed they had the decency to not get all handsy in their cross faded stupor. I could ignore casual conversation, but Becky was a loud moaner, well she was loud all around. But if I had to over hear her shagging Jay one more time, I was going to pull a Van Gogh and cut off my ear. Fuck it, might even become a hermit too, it beat this bullshit.

We were interrupted by a knock at the door.

“Fran-“ my brother began.

“Already on it!” I snapped.

I shouldn’t of felt bad, he deserved it. But I hated when my overstimulation ruined the mood.

“What the fuck did you just say to me?”

“Babe, just drop it.” Darla plead.

Had to say, this was the one time I was thankful she was pulling him in for a kiss. As long as it kept him quiet and attention off me. I opened the door to see a girl standing there. She was quiet pretty, and I liked her cowboy hat.

“Nice hat.” I said, before I could even stop myself.

She giggled.

“We’ll hey there cutie!” She smiled at me.

I couldn’t help but blush, no one had ever called me cute. Not even when I was a baby, my mother always said my brother was the cuter offspring. Something about me not looking right when I came out. She said my fucked up head showed on the outside. It seems I got distracted because she giggled again.

“You ok there sugar plum? You’re redder then a life guards nose.”

I was utterly embarrassed.

“People do often forget to put sunscreen on their noses.”

“You’re funny, I like you.” She said.

“Frances, who the fuck is at the door?”

I groaned. I saw a slight shift in her face, but I couldn’t discern it. I wasn’t all that good at reading people.

“Well I was just about to tell this sweet little thing here that all the restaurants in town are closed for the night. You met my brother down there at the station, and my Mama suggested I invite you folks over for some dinner. Ya must me starving after all the driving.”

She gave a dazzling smile.

“Oh, that’s kind of you.” Darla commented, trying to decline in a polite way. “But I think we’re alright.”

“Ya sure, Mama’s awful excited to have some guest. We don’t get many visitors round here. It be no trouble at all.”

But she wasn’t talking to Darla, she was looking right at Jay. I rolled my eyes slightly when I watched his fall down to her chest and move back up to her eyes.

“I could eat!” He said.

“Better than these chips.” Becky agreed. “Besides this idiot been drinking all afternoon, don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night to him puking cause he went to be on an empty stomach.”

Darla showed some apprehension, but agreed none the less. “I guess I am sort of hungry, babe?”

“Hope your brother has better table manners than he does customer service skills.”

“Then it’s settled, you folks follow me.” She said.

“I don’t believe we got your name, I’m Jason.” Jay shamelessly flirted.

I never understood how someone could do that right in front of the person they supposedly “loved.” But it seems that’s something I would never understand.

“You can call me Baby, Sugar, everyone in town does.”

The glare plastered on Becky’s face wasn’t surprising. I followed up the back, letting them handle the bulk of the small talk. Baby kept stealing glances at me and I couldn’t tell for the life of me why. I just kept my gaze on my shoes. The house was just as run down as the store, if not more. But it had good bones. Must have been made sometimes in the late 1800’s by the looks of it. A little paint and it would be good as new.

It smelled nice when we entered, whatever Baby’s mom was cooking smelt lovely. I relaxed a little, glad to be back out of the Texas heat. As I leaned against the door frame, I sent another smile smile to the man from the store. It was actually kind of nice to see him again. I sat down next to Baby as dinner was served.

A smile smile graced my face as I listened in to the dinner talk. Everyone was actually being pleasant for once. And our hosts accents were smooth and buttery. It felt homey, well, more like the opposite of home. And I guess that’s what I liked about it. I noticed they took a liking to pet names, throwing them out every other sentence. My head grew a little heavy, but I suppose it was getting kind of late. Suddenly Jay collapsed into his food. I starred at him bewildered.

I mean I head of people passing out after smoking too much weed, but that seemed dramatic. I once realised that wasn’t what was happening when the others looked as confused as I was. No, not confused, sacred. Becky looked horrified. But more importantly my brother looked livid. I couldn’t even comprehend half the things he shouted at me. I watched helplessly as one by one his friends fell, but he was too focused screaming at me to care. I was seconds away from having a meltdown but I tied my best to stifle it. I could feel my brain slipping away into dissociation.

As if to answer my silent prayers, the man from the gas station smashed a bottle over his head. I couldn’t stop the trembling before it started. I was so confused and upset and nothing made sense right now. And I could feel all eyes in the room on me. Baby said something to break the silence but I couldn’t really comprehend it fully.

My medicine? What did they give me? My brain felt sluggish and slow, but I couldn’t help by lean into her warm touch. It was so gentle, unlike anything I’d ever known. Despite my best efforts my eyes closed and all the sounds faded away.

I woke up in a bed. The events of last night came rushing back to me and I shot up. I was still wearing yesterdays clothes. I threw the blanket off to see my shoes were still on. I took stock of myself, I didn’t notice any new scrapes or busies. I wasn’t bleeding, I didn’t wake up in an ice bath with my kidney missing. So things could certainly be worse. I crept my way over to the door and tried the handle, but it was locked.

Of course it was locked, idiot. Everyone was just drugged by a bunch of strangers. But why? I wasn’t hurt, but perhaps it was foolish to assume the others were as fortunate. I heard footsteps from down the hall and ran back to the bed, throwing the blanket over my head and slowing my breathing. I’d done it thousands of times before, when I didn’t want my mother to know I’d stayed up passed my bed time. I heard the click of a door opening.

“Aww, they’re still sleeping Otis, look.” Baby whispered.

All I could hear was a grunt in response from the man who was supposedly Otis.

“It should have warn off by now.” He said.

“Maybe they’re just tired, poor thing looked like they hadn’t slept in days. Their eye bags made them look like a racoon.” She giggled.

“Baby, what are you doin?” He asked.

“I wanna play with my new friend Otis, stop being such a cocksucker.” She hissed.

I felt the bed dip and then a hand on my shoulder, shaking me ‘awake’. I decided it was best to play along and slowly opened my eyes, feigning a small young.

“Good morning sleepy head!” She greeted cheerfully.

“Cool it with the volume Baby, christ they just woke up. People don’t want to deal with you barbie personality first thing in the morning.” He jabbed at her.

“It’s ok.” I said softly.

She glared at him almost as if to say “you see, it’s fine.”

“How ya feelin? Sorry things got a little… intense, last night.” She said.

A little intense, what at odd way to recount last nights events. I decided I didn’t want to beat around the bush.

“Did you- did you kill them?” I asked.

Otis stiffened at this, uncrossing his arms from his chest and almost instinctively moving to block the door. Like he’d done it a thousand times before.

“Sure did Puppy! Your little friends weren’t so friendly.”

“They weren’t my friends.” I corrected.

She raised her eyebrow at me.

“You called them my friends, they were my brothers friends.”

“Oh, so then that piece of shit is your brother.” Otis said.

“Is? Not was…”

“You got a brain on you kid, yeah, fuckers still alive. Much to my distaste.”

“How come?” I asked curiously.

The two shared a look between them. What, did I say something wrong? I was always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and getting in trouble for it. I mentally prepared myself to be scolded.

“You know, I give Otis here shit all the time, but brothers ain’t supposed to be like that.” Baby said.

“They aren’t?”

I looked to Otis to see him frown and shake his head.

“He like that all the time?” He asked me.

I nodded. “He was actually on his best behaviour yesterday. He nice in front of people.”

“Nice?” He scoffed. “Your brother wouldn’t know nice if it bit him in the dick!”

I giggled a little at that. I liked Otis, he was funny.

“You think that’s funny?” He asked.

Baby was smiling at me and I couldn’t help but blush again. It was odd to have so much positive attention on me.

“It’s a little funny” I admitted shamefully.

Otis dropped his guard a little, moving closer to the bed.

“Are you going to kill me?” I asked sadly.

I mean I suppose if anyone was to do it, I’d want it to be them. They were so nice, maybe they would make it quick. Suddenly Baby’s hands were on my face, gripping my cheeks.

“Don’t you ever say something like that again! Of course not you sweet baby. Why would anybody ever what to hurt a cute little thing like you?” She said.

Her tone was sweet, but her hands were forceful. I could tell I upset her and I wanted to cry. I really didn’t mean to.

“I’m sorry, I always fuck these things up, my brother was right.” I said.

Otis sat on the other side of me on the bed.

“Nothing out of that gutter trashes mouth is right, ya hear? The fuck did he tell you?” He sounded angry too.

I held back my tears, starring forward at the wall, afraid if I blinked they’d finally fall.

“He and Mother always said no one would ever love me because I’m Autistic. I make everyone uncomfortable and I do things that aren’t right. I don’t understand a lot of things, and it’s really hard. But I promise I’m trying.” I said.

Their silence was the loudest thing I ever heard. It made my skin crawl and my ears hot. I just wanted them to say something, anything. Even if it was just them changing their minds. I get it, I’d just be a burden anyways. I jumped slightly when Baby touched me, expecting her to grab my arm harshly. But instead she just pulled back and sighed.

“I’m going to fucking kill that shit for brains.” She muttered.

“Look, kid-“ Otis started.

I turned to him, giving aggressive eye contact. I didn’t mean to, I just didn’t know where else to look right now. I watched him tense and internally cringed. Great job proving your point dumb ass.

“Your brothers an idiot. Shit, I’m pretty sure Baby here has what your fancy city doctors call ADHD-“

“Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder?” I asked, my interest piqued.

“Was that even English?” He asked.

“Yes.” I said, confused.

“That was a joke- I. Point is, seems to me like your plenty lovable. Shit, ya got me over here feeling bad and shit. And that ain’t easy. We’re not gonna let anyone hurt ya Kid. Fuck, we need a name for ya!” He groaned in frustration.

“How bout Blinky?” Baby pipped up, her chipper mood returning.

“The fuck did you just say?”

“Cause they don’t blink. Think I’ve only seen em blink twice since they opened those pretty little eyes.” She giggled.

“Oh, sorry.” I said.

A few tears finally fell when I closed my eyes and I groaned. I hated crying, my tears were always hot and they burned my skin. I frustratedly wiped them away with my sweater sleeve.

“Aww shit Sugar, don’t cry.” Baby said.

“I’m not, they just do that sometimes.” I said.

She giggled once more. Apparently a noise she made quite frequently. But her laugh wasn’t annoying like Becky’s, so I didn’t mind all that much.

“I- I like Blinky.” I said seriously, giving her a small smile.

“Then it’s settled! Spaulding already agreed you could stay. Course, he said I gotta take care of you. But I’m so excited to have a little sibling finally! We’re gonna have so much fun together Blinky Firefly!!” She squealed.

She pulled me into a tight hug, and I stiffened.

“Alright, release them you python.” Otis joked, “don’t think they can breath.”

“Oops.”

“Welcome to the family Blinky. Not sure I can say the same for your blood, he’ll be gone by morning you just say the word.” Otis offered.

“I think I’d like that, yes.” I answered honestly.

“You’ll fit in just fine here.” He said, ruffling my hair before leaving the room.

“Go easy on em Baby, don’t want to scare em away.”

He made his leave. She grabbed my hand and started dragging me to the door.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Can’t be a Firefly looking that that, let’s get you cleaned up.”

I certainly had a lot of change to get used to. But somehow it didn’t seem so scary. I think I’ll like it here.

An: Not sure if Texas specially fallows the gas rule, but for the purposes of the story we’re going to not fact check me on that, lol 😂 Also, I want to make it very clear that I don’t think any of these things about Autistic people. These are just things I’ve heard as an autistic person.

[afro-hispwriter]

ALICIA CLARK X FEM DIXON READER

After Ricks disappearance (twd) and Fixing the plane era(ftwd)

F/I- first initial

Warnings- language, implied smut

a/n- i wrote this a long time ago, its been posted on on wattpad for a while so i decided to post it on here… Enjoy!

Rick was gone, things were falling apart. Your dad, Daryl left the communities to join search parties all the way until he was the last one searching. Michonne and you wanted to keep looking but her pregnancy was to far along, and you basically took care of her and Judith. The atmosphere feels familiar just like when Carl died, you and him were best friends, you supported him in every one of this decisions even helped him get with Enid.

But this felt worse.

The person who has made sure everybody survives is dead. The man who was a mentor to you, the man who saved your father in countless occasions is dead. Morgan left almost 2 years ago and nobody heard from him. You knew Rick and him were close, he helped Rick when he came out of hospital. He deserves to know what happened and you will make sure of it.

-

"I want to go out and see the world for myself and I want to find Morgan." You said at dinner to Michonne and surprisingly who joined your dad.

"Excuse me what, you want to leave a whole state and travel to Texas just to see the world and find Morgan and for what?" Asked Michonne raising an eyebrow. Your dad sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"I agree kid. Why?" He asked looking at you.

"Ok first I'm pretty sure I'm 18, I'm supposed to be enrolling for college planning out my life, seeing what else is out there. I can take of myself of the time I have been surging in this world I can make it I'm sure if it. And second all of us know how much Rick meant to Morgan, I can go to Texas and tell him what happened maybe he will even come back even if it's for a little bit." You said enthusiastically. The adults shook their heads taking in the information.

"I'll think about it." Said your dad and Michonne nodded going back to eating.

"There's gotta be another reason you wanna leave." Said Daryl as you walked to your home.

"I already said why Dad." You said looking ahead

"No, you didn't I know ma own kid." He said stopping and he grabbed your arm so you would stop as well making you roll your eyes.

"I hate the atmosphere that is going on, it's like when Carl died but worse and I hate it. I just need to go, I need fresh air Dad, i need to see whats out there maybe even help people." You said throwing your arms in the air looking up at the sky. Daryl smiled, you would always talk about helping people when you were just 4 years old. But now that the apocalypse happened he never thought he'd actually have to let you be on your own anytime soon, maybe it was time.

"Alrigh I'll talk to Michonne tomorrow, I'll get ya that trip." He said and you smiled before pulling him into a big hug.

"Thank you father." You said and he chuckled.

-

"Ok y/n, ya have a high range walkie(i know those don't exist for very long distances)for when you get farther and farther away from ere and you have food to last a month or so and water for a week or two. And gas in the car to last Ya couple miles at least to get out of Virginia. A map, a gun with 2 rounds, and please try to put notes or something out there to tell me your alive, please I don't want to go out lookin for ya. Cant loose you kid." Said your dad who it was clear was very nervous on letting you leave.

"I'll be fine dad, I have been taught from the best of the best." You said and then you saw his eyes water.

"No, no dad don't cry because then I will. We have to be strong i promise I'll be fine. We agreed on 2 months if I'm gone more than that or if you don't hear from me when those months come to an end you come looking for me." You said holding back the tears.

"I know kid, I know it's just ya growin to fast." He said looking at you.

"Fuck it come ere kid." He said and pulled you in for a tight hug. You hugged him back hard, soaking up his affection, which definitely doesn't come everyday. You pulled away and looked up at him.

"I'll be fine dad ok, I'll be back." You said and backed up, everybody stood around and you waved before looking at Michonne and pointed at her belly.

"I better be godmother when I come back." You said smiling

"Yes ma'am." She said with a smile on her face. You got in the car and turned it on, you had some doubts on leaving but knew this has to happen. Your dad came to the window and leaned on it and you took in a breathe.

"Please don't loose yourself, if you have to stop stop. Don't leave the people who care about you." You told your dad and he sighed knowing exactly what you meant by that. He was looking for Rick so much it was taking him away from you. Daryl stepped back and you smiled at everybody and waved.

"I'll be back in 2 months I promise." You announced and they all smiled, you put the car in drive and drove off watching the gates close behind you.

"Y/n can you hear me." Your dad said over the walkie and you grabbed it.

"Yeah dad I can hear you."

-

You got to Tennessee right before the car stopped. You sighed and looked around to see if there was anything a car or a store. You grabbed the walkie and took in a breathe, please work, you thought.

"Dad can you hear me?" You asked and heard static then his voice.

"Ya I can, ya alright?" He asked

"Ya I'm fine, I'm in Tennessee but I think that soon probably a couple more miles you won't be able to hear me so im starting with the notes." You said and held back tears.

"Alright I love ya." You heard him sniffile before the walkie went out.

"I love you to dad." You said and out the walkie away and grabbed the pack. You opened the pack and grabbed the note book and pen. You wrote, STILL ALIVE- F/I, and looked for a place to put it. After an hour you found a gas station and put the note on the counter under a rock.

"Dad not sure if you can hear me but, if you do come for me I'm leaving notes in stores." You put the walkie back and grabbed your knife and stabbed a walker that came for you.

-

Almost 13 days (that's what google said). 13 days and nights of running and hiding from herds. Avoiding people, some you had to kill. Your feet hurt even after taking a days break in Arkansas but you finally have reached Texas. Not knowing where Morgan is you decided to use the walkie every few miles in. You looked at the map and Texas was huge, it could take a few weeks to find him, if he is even alive. But you needed a break so you needed to find somewhere safe. You found a house that looked safe enough so you cleared it, only 3 walkers where in it.

You set up a fire and out a can of beans over the fire. You grabbed the map and decided where you should head to next.

(A/n- I read that season 5 of fear is filmed in New Braunfels, Texas and its near Austin soon)

Austin, Texas, in school in Alexandria the teacher said Austin is pretty popular. Morgan could be there so that's where you would start. You took a 2 days rest and even found a lake to bathe in, after getting supplies you made your way to Austin. You left a note at the WELCOME TO TEXAS sign and left another at store the another. There was a hotel a little father form the house and out another there.

After a day or so you were closer to Austin and decided it's time to try with the Walkie.

"Morgan, it's Y/n I'm in Texas, I don't know if your alive but I'm here." You said and put the walkie away after no answer. You walked for what seemed hours when you saw the Austin sight and grabbed the walkie.

"Morgan I'm in Austin." You said into the walkie and decided to start trying different channels as you repeated the question though each. You tried the last channel and was about to put it away when you heard voices and your heart sped up.

"Morgan?" You asked and kept moving the circle to hear it more clearly.

"John, June you there." Someone said, it was a deep voice and noticed it was Morgan's voice.

"Morgan, Morgan, it Y/n Dixon from Alexandria, please hear me." You said pleading to yourself.

"Y/n wha-." He started. "What are you doing out here so far, where are you?" He asked.

"Umm I'm by the Welcome to Austin sign. Where are you maybe I can find you." You said and out down to the ground pulling the map out."

"I have two people close to you y/n, don't be alarmed their names are John and June." He said and you sighed.

"Ok." You said wearily.

"John, June did you hear that." Asked Morgan and a female bodice came through.

"We hear you Morgan, on our way Y/n." A man said.

"Hang tight y/n." Said Morgan and you sat back. You grabbed a paper and pen and wrote. FOUND MORGAN. You sat there for a while when a car approached and stopped next to you, you raised you knife reading to attack of nesassary. The window went down and the man and woman out there hands up.

"Hold on hold on young lady I'm John and this is June, we come to get you." John said and you hesitated.

"We won't hurt you i promise." June said. You nodded and grabbed your stuff and opened the car. You sat down and watched John and June's every move.

"So where did you come from?" Asked John and you sighed.

"Long story." You breathed out a laugh and they smiled.

"Guess we will know about it after you meet Al." Said June and you cocked your head to the side.

"Who's Al?" You asked wearily.

"She was journalist before and she interviews everybody on their stories." Said John and you nodded.

-

"Morgan, who is y/n?" Asked Alicia as she and Luciana approached him.

"She's comes from Virginia and Alexandria like me, she's around your age Alicia." Said Morgan smiling and Alicia rolled her eyes.

-

The car came to a stop out some gates and they opened. The car pulled in and people crowded around. John and June got out and your door opened revealing Morgan. You got out of the car and hugged him before pulling away to look over all the people. It was a whole bunch of little kids then a whole bunch of adults.

You looked around and your eyes fell on a very pretty girl with brown hair and hazel eyes. Her eyes where on you but they seemed defensive like yours at the moment. You felt uncomfortable and Morgan said to clear a path so you could sit down.

-

"I have been walking for almost 20 days, Car broke down when I reached Tennessee." You said to Al and she smiled. Everybody else was sitting around eating dinner as they heard your story how you arrived here.

"You have any family, back in Virginia?" She asked and you nodded.

"I have my dad, and more people who became my family, we have lost some but they will never be replaced." You said.

"Lover?" She asked and you shook your head no.

"Nope pretty much a virgin." You said and they all laughed.

Alicia started at you slowly relaxing that you were not a threat, all of them did.

"Why did you come here?" Asked Al and you sighed.

"I was 12 when the world started, I'm like 18 now. I'm supposed to be enrolling into college now, planning out my life going to go see what's out there. The apocalypse may have happened but I still want that chance. And Morgan I need to tell you something, privately." You said and he looked at you concerned. He gave Al a look and she shut the camera off then got the film. He stood up and you followed, he stopped just a few feet from everybody and waited for you to speak.

"Ricks gone." You said. "Gone not dead, just gone it's like he disappeared." You said looking down, thinking about that day.

"Wha- what how, what happened." He asked.

"Bridge explosion, he saved everybody." You said and Morgan nodded then you heard someone clear their throat.

"I'm sorry Morgan." Said June, you looked at him confused.

"I told them about Virginia, they how me and Rick go back." He said and you nodded.

"They haven't the body?" He asked and you shook your head.

"No, my dad, he has been looking out there by the bridge everyday, Michonne is pregnant with Ricks kid and she's about to give birth so she can't look anymore. And I was practically taking care of Judith so I couldn't either. And others have their own thing." You said and Morgan nodded again before walking off. You sighed and and smiled at the group.

"Anything else you guys want to know about me?" You asked and Al came forward.

"I want to know about the king and the tiger." Said Al and you nodded walking back to the fire.

-

You told everybody what you needed to know. Your guard was down long ago, you kept sneaking glances at the girl who's name is Alicia and she looked back at you as well. You got ready for bed when you were approached by Alicia.

"We never had a formal introduction, I'm Alicia Clark." She said holding her hand out and you shook it.

"Y/n Dixon."

You talked the night until you fell asleep from exhaustion. You learned about her family, all the things she has been through and you shared hers. She told you about her boyfriends and you felt a pang of jealousy, 'Gosh y/n you don't even know this girl,' you told your self. You fell asleep after an hour and Alicia put a blanket over you and whispered goodnight and left. You woke up the next morning feeling refreshed and got up. You looked in the mirror and braided your hair into two. You went outside and the people started building some type of plane. You approached Alicia as she was talking through a microphone looking at parts. She saw you approach and she smiled, you then looked up and saw a plane.

"Hey what's with the plane, didn't see that last night?" You asked Lucianna as you approached her, she smiled and sighed.

"A few weeks ago we were on a plane and we crashed landed a few miles from here, we actually came from here at first so we came back. Those kids they left biters out there tied up to keep us away, because it's not safe. We gained their trust and we are building this plane so we can get out of this place." She said sun you nodded you looked over the people and your eyes fell on him.

"Dwight?" You said sternly and he looked at you eyes widening.

"Mini Dixon, what are you doing out here?" He asked and you glared at him grabbing your knife when you felt a hang go to it, you saw Morgan shaking his head to stand down.

"What are you doing here, I thought you were dead?" You asked him.

"I'm lookin for Sherry, my wife, not trying to cause any trouble." He said and raised his good arm as a surrender. You nodded and stood down every body who watched went back to what they were doing. Alicia came in-front of you with a concerned look.

"So what's your story with him?" She asked

"He served the man who killed two people of my family and kept my father in a cage keeping him like an animal." You said looking at her with hard eyes.

You lended you knowledge on fixing things with the plane. It's clear they were grateful on your help, you fixed the engine to the best of your ability.

"Y/n want to come with me to a ware house, we need more parts." Said Alicia and you nodded. You made your way down and smiled at her.

-

Small Alicia POV

Gosh she is so beautiful. I met her yesterday and I feel like I have known her since forever. Call me crazy but I'm starting to get feelings for her already.

-

Regular POV

The butterflies in your stomach were almost painful when you were near Alicia. She was gorgeous, you felt like you could tell her everything and you almost have from Atlanta to now. You grabbed your backpack, emptying it out of anything that was worth leaving just encase. You took your knives and gun and left to find Alicia. She was waiting outside a car and got in when she saw you. You sat in the drivers seat and looked to see if anybody else was going, luckily no one was there.

"Anybody else going?" You asked and she shook her head.

"Do you have a problem with it, because I can get someone to come with us may-." She started but you shook your head no.

"I have no problem at all." You said and winked making her cheeks flush red. She drove to the warehouse and she told you the parts to look out for as well as food. You took out two walkers with your knives and looked back to see Alicia looking at you with awe.

"Never taken out biters with knives really." She said chuckling. You looked down and saw a metal pole that was sharpened at the edges.

"Well I mean that pole is badass, where did you get it, might need to get myself one." You asked.

"A water park." She said smiling and you nodded.

"Alright tell you what I teach you how to fight with knifes and we stay a little longer to find a pole similar to yours. Deal?" you asked holding your hand out. She thought for a second and took your hand and shook it.

"Ok come here stand in-front of me." You said as two walkers approached you both. She stood infront of you and you handed her your knives, you stood close to her.

"Now, you going to want to dodge them, go in between them. Remember you have to use strength to kill them just cant push it in. I'll be here just encase." You said. The walkers go closer and Alicia tightened her grip on the knives.

"Go you said." And she ducked as they swung at her, you backed up out of reach then one by one they were both put out.

"That was great, remember you gotta faster and if you have someone behind you, let's say as kid you have to push them back, maybe use you leg or arm. Even an adult if they don't notice you have to act quick." You said and she nodded cleaning the knives.

"Thanks I'll definitely use that, after I find knives." She said.

"If you can get a hunting knife there much stronger and lighter." You said and she nodded. You found a majority of the parts needed and headed back to the car.

"I found this." She said and handed you a metal pole with holes in it. You grabbed it and smiled at you, you got one of your knives and it's holster and handed it to her.

"Thank you Alicia, as a true thanks here's one of my knives, work with one just for now you will go better I just know of it." You said and she smiled brightly.

"Thank you, now let's get back and we can sharpen the edge." She said and started the car.

You kissed her cheek and pulled back getting a red face. You looked at her though the corner of your eye and saw her face was red.

-

When you arrived back to the truck stop, she helped sharpen the metal pole. You and her had a flirty thing going on for the rest of the month until you started feeling sexual tension start to arise. The stares would last long as well as lingering touches, she thought you how to use the pole and you taught her knives. Everybody shared their knowledge with you and you did with them.

The plane was just about finished when you realized if they finish the plane you may loose them, loose her.

"So, where do you guys plan on going after getting the rest of your group?" You asked Alicia as she ate dinner, sitting on the ground.

"Not sure, definitely leave this area." She said and you nodded seeing how bad the area is, you sat down next to her and she offered some of her dinner but you waved it off.

"Maybe fly to Virginia." She said lowly and you looked at her like she was crazy.

"I'm just playing can't risk another crash, especially where the girl I likes home is." She said and looked at you. Your face went red and the butterflies in your stomach, she grabbed your chin and pulled your face closer to hers.

"Y/n Dixon I like you a lot, it's ok if you don't but-." She said but you silenced her with a kiss. She pulled you in harder making you moan, she set her dinner down and you pushed her on the ground, straddling her. You looked up and saw there were people still around so you pulled away.

"Want to take me to your tent?" You asked and she nodded, you got off her and held your hand out which she gladly took. She led you to her tent opening it and pulled you inside. You slid your shirt off and she did the same.

She looked at yours left arm and stomach and noticed a beautiful tattoos.

(This but all around the forearm)

(Something like that)

"Didn't know you had tattoos." She said and scratched her head.

"Oh yeah... do they bother you?" You asked.

"No no they are actually really hot." She said making you blush. You walked over to her and pushed her onto the makeshift bed.

"Wait crap I've never had sex with-." She started and you kissed her.

"It's ok, I'll teach you." You said and she looked at you confused.

"After Carl died, his girlfriend, Enid, and me got close and we ended up in bed together. It was just one night didn't mean anything." You said and stroked her hair.

"Didn't say that in the interview." She said and leaned back letting you crawl on top of her.

"Some things are just not to be meant to be said." You said and winked at her. You went down and captured her lips, she raised her hands and caressed your sides. You laid down on her putting your weight on her body making her moan.

"Just relax let me do the work." You said and trailed down her stomach.

a/n- once ftwd season 6 comes to hulu I’ll be able to continue my part 2

[lubdubsworld]

Falling for you ( Falling from Grace) Jungkook x OC

Summary : Friends with benefits? Or maybe Enemies who just happen to be each other’s best fuck? Areum and Jungkook love driving each other crazy, but also can’t keep their hands off each other.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4  Chapter 5  Chapter 6

Chapter 7

“A two hour lunch break and a limp? You’ve been busy , I see.....” Hobi remarked mildly , when I slinked back to my desk, thighs still shaking . 

I winced when I sat down, glaring at him.

“I sprained my ankle....” I snapped, internally cringing at the ridiculous lie. 

“While riding his dick? How did that happen?? ” Hoseok rolled his eyes and before I could pretend to be properly outraged he continued, “ No matter.... i want you to compile those memos from last week and write up the report for last week’s meeting. The minutes are in the file.” 

I didn’t particularly enjoy my job or hate it. It was just something I did to make money and I was fine with that. As a kid I’d had some vague dreams of being a photographer and while I did occasionally take my camera out to click candids of my family or the occasional cherry blossom tree, it wasn’t a major component in my life. 

Or at least, it hadn’t been, for the two and half years I’d worked here. Right about the time I started sleeping with Jungkook. I stared at the screen, feeling myself drown in the redundant words. It wasn’t that I didn’t imagine a life with Jungkook.....but... I wasn’t sure if we would work well, as a couple. I had never been on a date with him , never met each other for anything that didn’t end in mutually ( enjoyable ) orgasms and just.... most of the time we did piss each other off incredibly. 

But I could feel the clock ticking....I wasn’t really a co ed anymore, was I? There was more to a relationship than just sex and ... I wanted it. Of course I did....

I couldn’t spend the rest of my life doing this with Jungkook. But I couldn’t for the life of me, imagine not  doing this with him. 

And in the wake of that thought came the thought I had always avoided.

 What if I could have both? What if I could have the dirty , raunchy , mindblowing sex , along with the Sunday brunches, picnics in the park and skinny dipping in the pool at midnight? 

What if, possibly, Jungkook could be the one I had dinner with on a Friday night? What if he was the one I woke up to everyday, made pancakes for and with, smearing flour on each other’s noses as we chased each other around the kitchen in our PJs?

 Fuck. 

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook was busy for a couple of days with his training and I couldn’t get a chance to meet him . On the day before his supposed match, he told me he wanted to ‘unwind’ . Would I be kind enough to join him for the night? 

I agreed, 

My phone buzzed, just as I stepped out of the shower. I rolled my eyes at the ridiculous contact name that Jungkook had probably put in himself. 

 From Hungkook 

You have an appointment tonight m’lady. 

An appointment to ride this dick.

On my terms.

You’re gonna stay over right?

 I scoffed at the last bit., When had it ever  not  been on his terms?? I ran the towel through my hair before carefully coating my fingers with lotion and threading them through the damp strands. 

~~~~

From me,

When did you change your fucking contact name , dickhead. Yes, I’ll stay over and we’re meeting at 7.00 PM right?? Will you pick me up?

~~~~

From Kook,

 Wasn’t me.... must’ve been you subconsciously. Don’t tell me you aren’t thinking about how big I am,  all the fucking time. 

I’m still  setting stuff up. Get a cab. Or I can send my chauffeur if you want? 

~~~~

From me,

 No. I’ll drive myself over. 

~~~~

From Kook,

Wear something easy to take off. c u. 

~~~~

Jerk, I thought fondly. Staring at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t help but feel incredibly vulnerable. I wanted to talk to Jungkook about us. And I would.... eventually. When I felt ready enough.... 

For tonight, I would indulge him. .  

I had gone the extra mile today, soaked in the tub for a whole hour so my skin was completely imbibed with the  scent of strawberries and cream, with little whiffs of lavender. The body scrub had done its job and my skin fairly glowed, plump and soft. 

I decided to forego makeup, only putting on the barest minimum : some gloss and a moisturizing spray. I grabbed the short kimono style dress from the closet, slipping it on without anything underneath. 

I stared at myself from all angles, just to make sure I was still decent. Not that it would matter. Jungkook’s condo had a private elevator that no one but he used . Perks of owning the entire apartment complex , I guessed. I hesitated before rummaging through the  small jewelry box I kept hidden in the back of the closet. 

It had a small necklace, the only gift I’d ever accepted from Jungkook. I stared at the small , pendant : a small heart with the words, JK’s engraved on it. It had been a gag gift, meant to aggrieve me during one of our ridiculous spats. But i traced the words and wondered why the prospect of belonging to him didn’t feel quite as infuriating as it used to . 

Slipping it on, I quickly grabbed my wallet and keys. 

Well, time to get this show on the road. ‘

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook opened the door, freshly showered, dressed in a white linen shirt, a few sizes too big and opened half way through. As always, a glimpse of his gorgeous face was all it took for arousal to pool in the pit of my stomach. I smiled at him.

“Hi.” I grinned.

He stared at me for a second taking a deep breath.

“Jesus, you smell fucking delicious....What  is that?” He groaned, grabbing my wrist and tugging me in. I followed him to the dining space, blinking when I saw the two small glasses of wine. 

“Ooh...fancy. Looks like you’re looking to spoil someone tonight. “ I teased. 

“Yeah, just had my girlfriend over. You must’ve run into her on the way up.” He winked and I shook my head, laughing as I grabbed one, taking a small sip. 

“So....? Should we get started....”

Jungkook hummed, grabbing the satin ribbon tie that held my dress together and tugging on it gently. I kept my eyes trained on his face , just so I wouldn’t miss the look on his face when the fabric fell apart. 

He didn’t disappoint. 

Doe eyes widened in shock, lips parting in a sharp little exhale as he stared at me, completely naked in the golden spool of light, cast by the small chandelier overhead. 

“Oh fuck.....is that...?” He lightly pulled the pendant at the base of my throat, staring at the inscription.

“Thought it may turn you on....” I shrugged. Jungkook’s eyes ran up and down my body and I felt an inordinate thrill at how open he was with how much he enjoyed looking at me, even though it was far from the first time. 

“That’s my biggest weakness, darling......I’m always turned on for you...” He grinned , winking. 

“So should we go open that toy box of yours?” I prompted when he stepped closer. 

“Hmm... Not like this. “ He grabbed the hem of his shirt, pulling it up and off his torso before carefully slipping it on me. “ I can’t concentrate if you’re standing here without clothes on.” 

 The linen shirt, big on Jungkook’s broad frame , practically swallowed me up, hanging somewhere near my knee. I watched the way his pupils dilated when he stared at me.

“Fuck... you in my clothes.... This may be worse than you being naked...” He said, sounding slightly strangled. 

I flicked his forehead playfully.

“I’m beginning to think you’re just stalling.... ” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Nope, just thinking of a couple of drawings I could make with this particular shirt on you.” 

I felt my insides quiver as I remembered the art and the very enjoyable time I’d had seeing all of it. 

“If you hurry up , I may model for you. “ I said casually and Jungkook froze.

“Better not joke about that, Areum...” He said harshly.

“Well, what if I’m not?” 

“Are you?”

“Only one way to find out.” I smiled, yelping when his arms shot out, wrapping around my thighs and throwing me over his shoulder as he stalked over to the bedroom.

I whined because his shoulder blades dug into my tummy , feeling slightly dizzy from all the blood rushing to my head.

I stumbled a bit when he set me down , blinking to orient myself. I stared around at the room, my throat going dry. 

The bed was covered in satin sheets in a rich shade of burgundy . The entire room was lit only from the backlight in the bedframe, low and demure as it lit parts of the bed while the rest of room stayed plunged in darkness. An ornate table stood right next to the bed with what looked like a hundred or so sex toys and I flushed red, my face heating up. 

I felt my heart begin to pound inside me. 

It was so foreign, this desperate sort of anticipation, something I didn’t usually feel because this was Jungkook and I knew him ....knew his body better than my own. 

“Well, since you wanted to pick the toys we’d use today....”

“No.” I whispered softly.

“What?”

I turned to him , smiling before carefully walking over to the bed and climbing on. I crawled to the center before carefully sitting down on my heels, kneeling. 

“You can pick.”  I shrugged. 

Jungkook stared at me thoughtfully.

“You’re joking.” He said softly.

“I trust you.” I replied. 

His eyes widened, lips parting. He licked his lips, before tugging his lower lip between his teeth. 

“Really? You trust me?” He asked, looking incredibly skeptical.

“I do. “

“Trust that I ....?” 

“That you won’t hurt me.”

“Hmm... I’ve gone soft on you haven’t I? Haven’t left bruises on that perfect body in a while... “ He said casually and I felt my heart jerk a little. 

Earlier in our relationship, Jungkook had always skirted the edge of too much, sometimes leaving marks and bruises  that lingered for weeks after our sexcapades. And he was right...we had toned it down the past few weeks,

“Even then...You never did anything I didn’t want.” I pointed out. 

He smiled.

“That’s true... my pretty little slut, you wanted every single one of those bruises, didn’t you?”

I nodded.

“I did...” 

“So , I can just go pick any toy I want and you’ll let me put it on you....?  In you?” He prompted. 

“I trust you.” I said again. 

He narrowed his eyes at me  before moving slowly to the table. I stared back, holding his gaze as I watched him carefully pick up something from the table.

My heart dropped when I saw the small flogger, his ivory fingers curling on the handle as he carefully, swatted the inside of his other palm with it.

“You sure you’re up for this?” He brought the flogger down on the bed with enough force to make the sheets crackle and the noise was so sharply frightening that I couldn’t help but jump a little.  I flinched so bad, my lips wobbled.

He watched the way I was shaking and scoffed.

“Thought so, fragile little thing like you could never--”

“Yes.” I snapped, willing myself to stay calm. “Yes.” 

Jungkook’s gaze snapped to mine. 

“Color?”

I swallowed, trying to get my senses together. I calmed myself down, trying to think rationally instead of impulsively. 

“Green.” I whispered. 

He hummed. 

I watched as he grabbed a small vibrator , holding it up for me to see., I shrugged, 

“I told you ...I trust you. Looks like you don’t trust yourself... What’s the matter, Jeon,  too chicken to be a real man?  “ I whispered.

His gaze narrowed dangerously. 

He moved briskly to the table and grabbed things quickly. I bit my lips as I saw the nipple clamps, the small whip, the handcuffs and the pinwheel among other things. 

I pulled my gaze away from the toys and stared at him. 

“If anyone can make me enjoy those things...its you.” I whispered and his eyes softened visibly.

“Fuck...don’t say shit like that....” He whispered.

I laughed a little, nodding. 

“Okay. “ I agreed. 

He grabbed a small strip of cloth from the table and held it up between his hands. 

“I’m going to put this on you first. “

I nodded, as familiar with the thick, satiny length of it as i was with my own skin. Jungkook sometimes liked using it to tie my wrists together , especially when he intended to take his time. 

i held my hands out but he shook his head, holding it up and then placing it over my eyes. 

I faltered a little when my vision went black, swallowing as the scent of his bodywash hit me, his body just a few inches away and the urge to touch was so strong , my mouth watering with the urge to run to my lips all over his delectable body. 

He finished tying the fabric at the base of my skull and pulled away. I felt the bed dip as he moved away. 

“ Take that shirt off.” 

I grabbed the hem and stripped quickly, tossing the shirt aside. 

“Lie down. On your back.” 

I nodded before doing just that, letting my arms rest on the side, palms facing up. 

The sound of the flogger cracking through the air made me wince. 

“You’ve ever been hit with one of these....” His voice came from somewhere to my right and I bit my lips, shaking my head.,

“Use your words doll....” 

The nick name made me squirm. 

“No.”

I jumped when I felt the soft strips of the blogger brush against my thigh, so gentle it felt like a kiss. 

“Hmm.... I want you to stay quiet from now unless i ask you something and you will only say, yes or no. Got that?”

“Yes.” 

“Good girl.” 

I felt like I was over heating, my body thrumming with anticipation.

“i don’t use it too often because I prefer my hands. Like bringing it down on the curve of your ass or maybe your thighs.....Nothing quite as satisfying as feeling that soft flesh give under your palm, hot and burning. And man the way the red just blooms on the surface when i pull away....addicting.”

His fingers closed over my thigh and squeezed. 

I jerked a bit. 

“It hurts at first....but it also feels good. A good , fiery burn that makes you feel alive .... that makes your skin thrum with life....and after the tenth hit, the pain is so numbed down that your mind only experiences the pleasure ..... “ 

I bit my lips to stop myself from saying anything. 

“The pinwheel is what really hurts.” I felt the sharp prick of it on my cheek, and i jerked back a bit., “  It’s very sharp and precise....like the stab of a hundred needles on your body...I like using it between the thighs....You know, right on that swollen little nub in the middle.... usually makes the girl lift right off the bed....”

He chuckled .

I was panting a bit, every word translating into a phantom touch on my body. Although he was only saying it, my body seemed to experience it physically. 

I felt the air shift around me, and then the familiar press of him body on mine, my arms instinctively shooting up to grip him as he straddled my waist, his hands grabbing my wrists and yanking them away. He pushed my hands up against the headboard, and I felt his breath right against my neck, feather light kisses that traced a path up to my ear and then he gently blew air against my earlobe. 

“And man, the vibrator is my favorite.” His voice was low and deep, whispering dirty, right into my ear and I clenched around nothing, feeling wet and empty as he went on, “  I’d leave it right up against your clit while I eat you out, two of my fingers fucking into your sweet little cunt, tongue lapping up that sweet , sweet slick of yours..... Fucking delicious , makes me want to bury my face into it.... fuck.....baby, i could eat you out for hours.... “

I choked out, struggling to get my hands free, desperate to feel him, desperate to feel him inside me .

“I would eat you out so good but I wouldn’t let you cum.” 

I felt my heart drop. 

“Please Jungkook-”

“Uh-uh-uh....Nope...” Jungkook muttered.” Don’t want you begging so soon baby.,... we haven’t even started yet...Didn’t I tell you not to say anything till I asked you to? What's the matter baby, you like hearing what I want to do to you? Doesn’t it make you wet...make you want to fuck yourself on my cock?”

I bit my lips, trying to regulate my breathing , bucking up into his hardness as he rolled his hips into mine. I kicked out , trying to dislodge him, just a little bit so I could feel him where i wanted and he grunted when my heel hit his shin. 

I whined when his fingers tightened on my wrists, hard enough to make the bones grind together. Pain shot up my forearm and I whimpered when a hand wrapped around my throat, gentle but with the threat of force behind it. 

“Stop fucking wiggling and listen to me. “ He snapped and I froze. 

“If I eat you out.... turn the vibrator up, and then tell you to not cum till i ask you to.....Can you do that?” 

“Yes.” I sobbed out, 

He grinned.

“Really baby? No protests? You’ve never let me edge you before....I wonder what’s changed?” He whispered.

“Trust you.” I whispered and his breath caught again. 

“You trust me that much?”

“Yes.” 

“Trust me when I say if you cant hold it off...if you cum without my permission, well....that’s when I’m gonna get the fucking whip.” 

My body screamed in protest at the very thought of it. 

“Well? “ He demanded, squeezing down on my throat just a bit. “ Still trust me?”

I felt the first gush of tears, feeling my heart thud against my ribs. All i could think about was Jungkook’s face when he’d held me that day, when Junho had hurt me. The way his eyes had flooded with tears at the sight of me hurt and it was absolutely laughable....the idea that Jeon Jungkook would somehow choose to hurt me voluntarily. 

“Trust you.” 

For a few seconds, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t move either. 

“Should we get started then?” 

“Okay.” I whispered.

I felt a pang of loss when he moved up and off my body, and I blinked against the blindfold, trying to ground myself. Fear and arousal made me disoriented , my mind struggling to decide whether I was enjoying this or not. 

I heard the crack of the flogger again and screwed my eyes shut. 

“You ready?” , the bristles traced up my leg, from my feet right up to the top of my thighs. 

I took a deep shuddering breath.

“Yes.”

I bit my lips, bracing myself for the hit. 

It never came. 

Instead, all i felt was the gentle brush of lips against my brow, and then against my cheek, soft, feather light kisses , peppered across my jaw and down my neck. I gasped as his lips parted slightly, opening and closing on the soft skin, suckling gently for just a second before his tongue followed, soothing the slight sting. 

I licked my lips , gasping when his fingers fluttered up and down my arm, so gentle that I wanted to cry. 

“I like the idea of taking you apart...., having you tremble with anticipation because you’re scared of what I’d do next , but you know what I like more, Areum?” 

Fingers lightly gripped my wrist, pulling them up till my hands rested on his shoulders. 

“Jungkook?”

“I like it when you touch me. I like it when you’re trembling, not because you’re scared or worried but because you’re feeling good....because I’m making you feel good.” 

I smiled despite myself. 

“Can i touch you?” I whispered.

“You don’t ever have to ask...” He breathed against my lips, and i surged up to kiss him. Letting my fingers drop down to tug at the hardened length of him. I ran a finger over the tip, mouth watering at the mound of precum leaking out of him, enough for me to get my palm wet , so I could stroke him without any abrasive friction. 

He growled , rolling over me and nipping sharply at my neck, before pressing a quick kiss to my lips.

“Gonna eat you out. “ He growled and i grinned.

“No vibrator?” I teased and he grunted, already crawling down my body.

“Don’t need it.... Gonna make you cum just with my tongue.” 

I let my head fall back against the pillows as he grabbed my hips, lifting my waist up before shoving a couple of pillow underneath.

“Bend your knees and spread your thighs for me angel.” He whispered, pressing a soft kiss to my ankle and I nodded quickly, doing just that. I dug my heels into the soft sheets. 

“You want to me to get the vibrator?” He bit my thighs lightly and I jumped. 

“Not really....” I breathed out .

Warm wetness closed over my center and I gasped, fingers reaching down to grip his hair . 

“Gonna ride my face , baby?” He laughed against my slit, tongue tracing the seam with soft little kitten licks and I groaned. 

He lost no time, slipping two fingers straight into me, parting them in a V and licking into the gap, tongue pushing into me with the kind of ease that came from doing something you loved, something you enjoyed doing. 

Pleasure shot straight up my spine rendering me boneless, my limbs turning to jelly as he used his thumb to gently run circles on my clit, all the while licking into me, tongue curling inside me, pushing against my walls and lapping up the wetness like it was the sweetest drink he’d ever had. 

And nothing was a bigger turn on than how much he seemed to be enjoying it and i found myself falling apart embarrassingly fast. I felt my thighs start to tremble and Jungkook hugged against me, slipping another finger in, the fit now tight and I whimpered when he curled his fingers inside me, fingers tips reaching back to nudge the spot the usually sent me spiraling off the edge. 

“Don’t want you to cum yet,....hold off for me.... “ He whispered suddenly, squeezing in a fourth finger and I blacked out when my orgasm hit before I could even try to stop it, clenching down on his fingers so tight that he couldn’t even move them , my muscles screaming as I gripped the duvet under my fingers.

“I ....” i  couldn’t form words. 

“Thought I told you not to cum.” He said softly, somewhere over me. 

I swallowed.

“You... You did it on purpose ...you... fuck...”

“Did what on purpose...” He was laughing a little, and I mewled a little when his fingers rubbed on my clit again, thumb dipping into me playfully.

“Told me to not cum just before you.... Oh fuck” I choked out when he slipped his fingers right back in, and my body screamed in protest , the overstimulation making my eyes water. 

“Sould i get the whip as promised?” He laughed and I froze.

“I would let you, you know. “ I said softly.

He didn’t respond but he did draw his fingers out of me. I let my legs drop down to the bed and waited for him to say something but he didn’t , so I continued, stammering a bit.

“It’s not the kind of thing i would want in general...” I admitted, “ But I didn’t like half the things we do now, once. You’re... you’re my kink.” I chuckled, feeling a bit like i was laying myself bare . 

“Areum...”

“Its you...anything that makes you feel good is what makes me feel good... I love the way your eyes darken when you tie me up...The way you always want to hold me down with a little more force than necessary and the way you sometimes , purposely leave me handcuffed in a way that makes it hurt..... and its not because I’m a masochist or because i love pain but i just... I like doing it for you. “ I admitted. 

I waited for him to say something, and the silence made me nervous. Had I said too much? Had I made him uncomfortable? Oh God, did he think it was too weird?

I opened my mouth, ready to apologize for making things weirds, but before I could , the blindfold came off and I blinked , confused to see him hovering over me. 

“I...” He looked like he was shaking. 

“Jungkook?” I asked, confused, hand reaching up to grip his cheek, concern blooming inside me because of how scared and terrified he looked. 

“You.... You...What you said...” He was definitely shaking, 

“I’m sorry.” I said softly. “ I didn’t mean to imply I didn’t like it..I just want you to know that I’m open to doing new things with you and you don’t have to hold yourself back......”

"Fuck .,.. Areum.. I...” He closed his eyes, laughing a little. 

Genuinely worried, I brushed my thumb across his cheek in worry.

“Hey...what’s wrong?” I asked gently. 

His eyes fluttered open and he stared right at me. 

“I think I’m in love with you.” He whispered. 

My breath got knocked right out of my lung and i gasped out loud, my mind turning to complete mush. 

“I-uh...whu-buh???” I said intelligently and he laughed.

“Fuck.. i didn’t... I didn’t mean to blurt that out.. I...”

I grabbed him before he could move away, tugging his gorgeous face closer to mine.

“Did you mean that?” I croaked out, my voice raw from shock.

He stared at me doe eyes wide and open and so damn vulnerable. 

“Uh...yeah.. I... “

“you stupid fucking bastard...” i choked out, raising myself up to capture his lips with mine. He groaned as he kissed back, lips opening beneath mine and tongue slipping into my mouth with the practiced familiarity of a thousand kisses behind us ad it was so amazing, how incredibly new and exciting this felt, when we had done it so many times. 

I found myself grinning into the kiss as I slipped my fingers into his hair, tugging on the thick dark locks , to pull him away for a second. 

“Can i take you out on a date?” I panted and he was grinning from ear to ear.

“Yeah.... Yeah... you can.” 

I smiled and bit my lips, tears spilling out before i could stop myself. 

“I love you so fucking much...” I whispered and he brushed his thumbs across my cheek, wiping away the dampness.

“So fucking sappy.....” He said fondly. “ Now , tell me....can I fuck you....?”

I shook my head. 

Jungkook’s face fell, lips jutting out in a pout and I pressed a finger against his lips when he began to protest.

“You can’t fuck me....but you can make love to me. If you even know how.” 

His gaze softened. 

“I’ve always made love to you Areum.... I may have been rough but I never had anything but affection for you when I touched you.”

I couldn’t help but trace my fingers over his features, taking in the handsome curves and ridges of his face. 

“ I know...but I’d still like to do it gently. Sometimes.” 

He nodded.

“Anything for my gorgeous girlfriend.” He pecked my nose. 

My heart leapt right up at that. 

I could get used to being called that. 

I wrapped both my legs around him, drawing him closer.

“How do you want it?” He whispered.

“Just you... inside. “ I rubbed my nose against his as he nodded.

He barely let me catch my breath before lining himself right up against me and sliding right in and this time, I got to hold his gaze as he slid home, saw exactly how it affected him, how pleasure hit him, hard and fast as he sank into my warmth. 

“Oh fuck...” He whispered . 

“Fuck me slow.... like you have all the time in the world.” I demanded, slipping my fingers in his hair and gripping hard and he grunted, gripping my waist and squeezing hard enough to bruise . 

“ As you wish.” He moved his hands up to shape my breasts, thumb brushing my nipples till the nubs perked right up and I groaned when he bent over and took one of them into his mouth, all the while sliding in and out of me at a tortuously slow pace.

"I'm glad we skipped over the part where we deny our feelings.." I whispered against his lips and he grinned.

"I've never denied shit. If you remember..... This whole sex only business was entirely your idea....I asked you on a date two years ago...."

I flushed.

" I thought you were mocking me."

He shook his head , gripping me close and rolling us over so I was on top. Taking the cue, I dug my knees into the duvet and gripped his shoulders, biting my lips at the new angle .

" No , You thought I was a fuckboy..... I wasn't and I knew that I would have to work hard to prove it to you. "

"Prove that you weren't a fuckboy?"

"Prove that just because I liked sex doesn't mean I don't care about anything else.....Prove that, yes, I wanted to fuck your brains out but i also wanted to hold your hands and lick ice cream off your nose...." He rolled his hips into me and I moaned. 

“Well, thank you for that. Point taken . “ I choked out. 

He hummed and jugged the chain on my neck, fingers lightly tracing the inscribed JK’S.

“ So this is official?” He grinned. 

I rolled my eyes.

“I belong to no one.” I said loftily and he responded my moving his hips just a little too harsh on the next thrust, making me yelp in surprise. 

“This feels good...” He kissed the tip of my nose. 

“Nothing like good old vanilla sex after a heartfelt confession. “ I hummed. 

“But just so you know, we are definitely. playing with my toys someday.” 

I gave his ear a sharp tug.

“Stop ruining the moment and fuck me.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AUTHOR’S NOTE :  See.... not a smidgen of angst to be seen anywhere :D :D :D Please leave feedback I’m thirsty for it :’( 

taglist :   

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@ggukkieland

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[writergirl2011]

I posted 392 times in 2022

That's 86 more posts than 2021!

76 posts created (19%)

316 posts reblogged (81%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@renee561

@it-may-be-dull-but-im-determined

@captainelliecomb

@waxedpaperdoor

@bonyassfish

I tagged 309 of my posts in 2022

Only 21% of my posts had no tags

#jaime lannister - 79 posts

#brienne of tarth - 77 posts

#jaime x brienne - 77 posts

#dee writes things - 57 posts

#fanfiction - 51 posts

#diamond in the rough - 48 posts

#the baseball story - 45 posts

#yo ho yo ho - 30 posts

#it's the writer's life for me - 17 posts

#it’s the writer’s life for me - 11 posts

Longest Tag: 118 characters

#i can’t help but wonder if what i’ve considered burnout after the last two big fic exchanges isn’t burnout but sadness

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

The latest chapter of the baseball story has posted!!  ⚾️⚾️⚾️

19 notes - Posted May 21, 2022

#4

HEY!! What did I do to get called out like this????

19 notes - Posted December 1, 2022

#3

My contributions for J/B Week 2022 will be little one-shots from the universe of my first fic exchange story, Average Ordinary Everyday Superhero

Day 1: Water.  Brienne comes home after a very difficult evening. Jaime provides her with comfort.

21 notes - Posted October 3, 2022

#2

"Diamond in the Rough" Contest!!!

Now that my baseball story is nearing the home stretch, I thought I'd give all the wonderful readers (and anyone else who might be interested) an opportunity to weigh in on what songs they think are playing when each player steps to the plate--or when the relievers enter the game!! Do you think Jaime goes with "Roar"? That Thoros Myr enters the game to "Fireball"? What song would Cleos choose, anyway? I'd love to know what you guys think, so please send me all your suggestions and some of them may be used in the story at some point!

But Dee, you say, didn't you mention a contest? Why, yes, yes I did. See, I've had Brienne's walk-up music picked out almost from the beginning, and it will make an appearance in the story. If you successfully guess what the song is before then, I will happily write a story for you based on whatever you choose!

In case you needed a quick refresher, here's the current Royals roster:

GOOD LUCK!!!

25 notes - Posted May 28, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

So. Book!Jaime and book!Brienne or show!Jaime and show!Brienne. Not as a couple or their relationship (per se) but as separate characters. :)

Book!Jaime and Book!Brienne, by a thousand miles. Warning: I'm in full on rant mode.

We may have gotten glimpses of book Jaime in the show, but as time has gone on, I've realized more and more that we never truly got book Jaime, and it's mostly because Dumb and Dumber hated Jaime as a character. Take, for example, Jaime's iconic line, "The things I do for love" just before he shoves Bran out the tower window. In the book, this scene is told through Bran's POV and he hears Jaime say it with loathing. On the show, Jaime tosses out the line as if to say, "oh well" and probably went back to screwing Cersei. It was just the first step of their assassination of Jaime.

Book!Jaime is a man who struggles to figure out what he's going to do with his life when the one thing that defined him was gone. He's smarter than many give him credit for--including his own siblings--and he shows this throughout his journey in the Riverlands in AFFC. He's figuring out what kind of man he wants to be, and we get a chance to see him in the company of people who like and appreciate him in spite of him being the reviled "Kingslayer." Most importantly, book!Jaime is a man of agency--he names Oathkeeper when he gives it to Brienne, he turns Cersei down when she comes to the White Sword Tower to seduce him into killing Tyrion, and he figures out the best way to bring peace to the Riverlands.

Show!Jaime has almost none, with Dumb and Dumber having decided to make him little more than Cersei's faithful lapdog who came running every time she wanted him. And during the brief times he was with Brienne after their trip through the Riverlands, it felt like the good things he did were at her suggestion--including his decision join the North in the fight against the Others after she told him to "fuck loyalty." It was, quite frankly, their worst interpretation of any character on the show. I don't see how someone can read Jaime's POV from his return to King's Landing in ASOS through his one chapter in ADWD and portray him the way they did. Only possible explanation? They hated Jaime as a character and decided to treat him as such. One of them even referred to Jaime as a "monster" in the season 2 episode where he kills his cousin. The only monstrous thing Jaime does in the entire series to this point is shoving Bran out that window, which don't get me wrong, IS A VERY BAD THING TO DO but...really? "Monster?" No.

The changes made to Brienne from book to show happened, in good part, because they aged her up and took away her AFFC storyline, replacing it instead with her staring at a window until the convenient moment when she decided to take vengeance on Stannis right as Sansa needed her to be there. Book!Brienne is an innocent, noble, idealistic girl who joined the war for love of Renly. She's never even killed anyone and cried when her master-at-arms, Goodwin, had her kill piglets to get a mere idea of what it would be like.

Show!Brienne is older, has seen more of the world, and killing clearly doesn't bother her (especially when you remember the scene where she kills the three Stark men, the last one slowly). She still retains some of Brienne's idealism and has a very strong sense of honor and is definitely stubborn, but book!Brienne wants to be both a lady and a knight. Show!Brienne is forever telling people she's not a lady. The softness that made me fall in love with book!Brienne is missing in her show counterpart. Yes, show!Brienne falls apart when Renly dies and when Jaime leaves her in the Winterfell courtyard, but we see her calm and composed soon after each event. Book!Brienne was near inconsolable after the loss of Renly and after learning of Catelyn's death.

Overall, however, I don't think they did near as much damage to Brienne as a character as they did to Jaime, which is why her show counterpart doesn't anger me as much as his. One of my favorite pieces of fanart has the book versions meeting their show versions. Book!Brienne is startled to meet show!Brienne, who stares up at her in awe. Meanwhile, book!Jaime gives show!Jaime a golden bitch slap. Kinda sums up my feelings.

83 notes - Posted April 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[reidgraygubler]

week from hell (spencer reid/reader)

Title: week from hell

Request: yes! (Can I get a oneshot based off of Something I Need by OneRepublic? I really really love your writing and I'd love to see your take on that idea.) (requested by @probablynotaninja​ ) 

Couple: spencer reid/gender-neutral!reader

Category: angst, w/ sweet fluff for dessert

Content Warning: spencer’s pov, mentions of dying, swearing (if any), insomnia, very protective spencer, very realistic dreams/nightmares (which consist of loved ones dying), anxieties, talks about dying/death, vague referance to suicide (?), vague mention of drugs (Dilaudid), drinking, turning to alcohol in a time of need, knife and murder (but it’s not real) Word Count: 3,835

Summary: Spencer has one hell of a week after he has nightmares about the ones he loves the most, and after a close call on a case.

A/N: okay, no joke, i hadn’t heard this song before this request. So i listened to it and the first like i was like “IDEA!”. It made me very soft. So thank you very much for sending it to me. I hope you enjoy what I came up with! thank you all so much for the support! i really do appreciate it. check out my masterlist!

{***}{***}{***}

It was amazing how breathtakingly fast I moved. I sat up, my body shaking like a leaf, yet was somehow sweating like I had run a mile. But all I did was sleep. And while I slept, I had a nightmare. A nightmare that consisted of all my loved ones being killed.

I looked down at the person sleeping beside me. They were curled up into my side, an arm thrown over my body like I was their comfort teddy bear. They slept like a rock like there was nothing wrong happening. When in reality, I was sitting beside them, having an anxiety attack because of a dream I had.

I glanced over my shoulder at the clock. Two in the morning. I hadn’t even been asleep for 2 full hours, and I have to wake up in 4 hours to get ready for the day. Who knows if I’ll go back to sleep? Probably not… It’d be one of those days where I needed a lot of coffee.

I carefully slipped out of the bed, pulling the blankets back over their body. They hardly stirred as they switched their positions. A small, yet sad, smile grew over my lips as I looked at them. I was envious of the way they were able to get comfortable and stay asleep. They slept through the whole night, and would probably sleep till their alarm went off at 9am.

I struggled as I quietly dragged my body from our room and across the apartment to the kitchen. My person’s cat was sitting on the window sill, his tail whipping back and forth as I walked past him.

“Morning, Snuffles,” I whispered once I was past them. Snuffles leapt off the window sill and followed me towards the kitchen. “You gotta be quiet… Our person is still sleeping.” I looked down at him once we were behind the closed door of the kitchen.

‘Mew,’ Snuffles meowed as he pawed at his food bowl. I looked at the silver bowl that still had food in it. The food was just pushed around the sides, leaving the middle of the bowl exposed. I blinked before grabbing a scoop of food for him.

“Now be quiet,” I chuckled lightly before scratching between his ears. Snuffles meowed again before walking past me and going to the food.

I quietly prepared things to make a pot of coffee. This would just be the pre-pot of coffee before I stopped at the cafe down the street for more coffee. Surely that won’t be dangerous in the end. It’s not like I’ve been doing this everyday for the last 15 years. My person would argue that this would probably be what brings me my demise.

Once the pot had finished brewing, and I prepared my mug with the coffee, I resigned to the living room. To keep myself busy for the next few hours, I read over case files that Emily needed help catching up on. It was no issue, I should be finished with it before it was time to get ready for the day.

I was surprised that the person in the next room stayed asleep. In my head, and ears, I thought I was being loud. But I suppose that was just me. Their health always worried me, even when they were perfectly healthy. Something was bothering me now though, and it was the stupid dream I had that woke me.

The five ‘o’ clock hour rolled around a lot quicker than I was expecting. Sure time always moves by slowly and properly and in the right order. But there was something about the last 3 hours that flew by fast. It was hard to say what it was though.

I finished reading over the last file before I got ready for the day. My person hardly stirred, again, as I pressed my lips to their forehead, wishing them a good morning and a day. They were lucid enough to return the sentiment, with the declaration of ‘I wish you didn’t have to go to work.’

Trust me… I know. I wish I didn’t have to go to work either

My venture to work was the same, as usual. I walked down the street to my favorite cafe, got my coffee- today, however, was different because I got more than my normal one coffee- and walked to the closest train station.

When I got to the office, I slowly walked towards my desk. Everyone was at their respective spots, easily telling me I was the last one to show up. Which was a rarity because I was usually one of the first to appear.

“Could you use a bit more coffee there, Reid?” Luke asked, watching as I set a carrier with 4 coffee cups on my desk. I looked over at him before picking one up.

“There is not enough coffee in the world that could help me with my problem.” I looked at my coffee with a deep sigh. Luke looked at me with a slightly worried crease in his brow.

“Is everything alright at home?” he asked as he looked down at the picture of me and my partner. My eyes followed his gaze and I smiled when I saw the photo.

That particular photo was taken at David’s house during a dinner party. I remember that day so clearly. Before the photo was taken, I was deep in conversation with Derek and Luke. My person was standing just behind me, their arms wrapped around my body as they listened into the conversation. It was Penelope who snapped the moment in time, calling our attention before briefly blinding us. It was one of my favorite photographs.

“Are you guys alright?” Luke quickly asked. I didn’t like how it felt like he was insinuating that something was happening between me and my person at home. Nothing was wrong between us. In fact, things couldn’t be more perfect. And they didn’t do anything wrong. It was all me. Actually, it wasn’t even me. It was my subconscious torturing me.

“Yeah, yeah…” I spoke before taking a long sip of one of my many coffees. My tone wasn’t very convincing, and I only knew that because of Luke. He looked up at me with a raised eyebrow. “What? Everything at home is fine. I haven’t been sleeping. That’s all.” I shrugged before putting the paper cup back on the desktop.

“Have you talked to-” he stopped for a moment before nodding at the picture of my person on my desk. I looked over at it and shook my head. I didn’t want to worry them at all. Not with the torturous things I’ve been forced to see. “Nightmares?”

“Yeah,” I mumbled as I sat down. I ran a hand through my messy hair and shook my head. “They’re hyper-realistic too. Sometimes I don’t know whether they’re a dream or… Or the real thing,” I sighed as I tapped my fingertips on the desktop.

“Have you talked to anyone about it? Emily, Rossi, Derek…” Luke’s voice trailed off as he said my partner’s name. I looked up at him and shook my head.

“No, no. They’ll go away. They always do.” I shook my head as I looked back up at him. I thought back to when I first started this job, the nightmares were horrific. Derek Morgan was the first person I talked to, which led to Aaron Hotchner talking to me. It was for the better, to be honest. But then it got better when I met my person.

The nightmares are only happening because of the most recent case. Maybe I should talk to Emily… Maybe it’s time I took a break. That’d probably be what’s best for my mental health. I was due for a break anyway.

“How often have you been getting them? And is this a new thing?” “Uh… That one case, from a few weeks back... That was when they started. But only recently have they gotten worse… Including…” My words trailed off as I grabbed the frame.

“Do your dreams follow the case? Or are they different every night?” Luke leaned against my desk and looked down at me. I took a deep breath as I looked at the person’s picture in my hands.

“It depends, I suppose. Some nights they’ll follow the case… Other nights it’s a different case… Sometimes it’s,” I lifted the picture, ''instead of Nadie that I killed.” I struggled to get that last one out.

Even though I know I didn’t kill Nadie Ramos. But I guess my mind likes to make me think otherwise. The images of my person’s body lying on the ground, blood (their blood) splashed across their face, and the life no longer in their eyes flashed in my mind, nearly causing me to drop the frame. I just nearly caught myself as the frame hit the side of my desk.

“You should talk to Emily about that. Even if you think they’ll go away. There might be an under-lying issue there,” Luke’s voice dropped to a whisper as he spoke. I swallowed roughly and looked up at him.

“Yeah, yeah… I’ll do that.”

I didn’t do that.

Little did I know that’d be the beginning of my week from hell.

{***}{***}{***}

My eyelids felt heavy. I struggled to keep them open while Emily delivered the briefing. So I pretended to be reading the file on the table in front of me, when in actuality I had fallen asleep.

Sleep and I had become strangers. I couldn't remember the last time I got a good night’s rest. That was because the dreams had moved on from the team, leaving them alone and allowing them all to live. My dreams graduated to my partner. Every night for the last 4 nights I’ve jerked awake, with the image of them dead ingrained in my head. And whenever I closed my eyes, their lifeless eyes looked back at me.

So instead of sleeping, I sat in bed, reading while also looking at the sleeping person beside me. I needed to make sure they were actually just asleep.

“Wheels up in 20… You’re all excused. Uh, but, Spencer, a word,” Emily spoke as she looked right at me. I jumped before looking back at her.

“Yeah, yeah,” I whispered before folding the file shut and sitting up in my chair. The other members of the team filed out of the room. JJ and Luke both looked at me with worry in their eyes before leaving. JJ figured out something was wrong 3 days after Luke and I talked. Her concern was genuine and to be expected.

“What’s going on? Is everything alright?” Emily asked as she sat beside me at the round table. I swallowed roughly as my eyes met her. It would be useless to try and lie to her about this. Emily and I have known each other long enough that even if she wasn’t one of the best profilers I know, she’d know when I’d be lying. But it couldn’t hurt to try, right?

“Yeah, yeah… We’re moving… So we’re staying up late pack-”

“Spencer, I know you’re not moving,” Emily cut me off. I stared at her as I brought my hand to rest on the table top. A certain anxiety grew in my chest and it felt difficult to breathe. I don’t know why I was having such bad anxiety about this. People have nightmares. It’s not unusual. “Is everything at home okay? You guys aren’t fighting, are you?”

I don’t know why everyone just assumed that there was something wrong at home, or why my person and I were fighting.

“No! No, we’re fine. We’re more than fine. In fact it’s not even us that’s the problem. It’s me,” I sighed before pushing a hand through my hair. Emily looked at me with a raised brow and worry on her face.

“Is everything okay?”

“We went on a case a few weeks back. And it’s triggered some bad memories for me,” I half lied. Although, there was a little bit of truth to my words. The dreams about Nadie Ramos bring up some bad thoughts.

“Such as?”

“Uh, well… It’s not just memories. The nightmares I’m having are what’s keeping me awake. Sometimes they’re about the team… But most of the time they’re about…” My words trailed off again.

“I see,” Emily whispered. Her eyes dropped down to my hand, causing me to look at it. My hand was trembling as if it were a small chihuahua, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“The ones that I get the most are from the day Nadie Ramos died… But it’s not Nadie…” I looked up at her face as I spoke. Emily looked at me and nodded. “I know I didn’t kill her. But it doesn’t help that I saw myself kill her.”

“Spencer,”

“Listen, everything you’re about to say, I’ve heard it from Hotch, Gideon, Derek, and even Luke. I know. They’re just nightmares. They’ll go away. I just need to… I don’t know.”

“Do you want to take some time off?” Emily had a certain steadiness to her words that frightened me a little bit. As if I had a choice. She was only asking to make me think I had a choice, but in the end I did not.

Maybe a break was what I needed. I could spend time with my person and not think about work. We could go on a small trip to New York, and get Penelope to watch Snuffles. My person would probably enjoy that.

“I think I’d quite like that,” I whispered with a nod. Emily swallowed roughly before resting a hand on my knee.

“We can work that out. That’s okay.” She nodded.

{***}{***}{***}

Everything was moving in slow motion. My vision was fuzzy as I hastily reached for a knife. The person below me wouldn’t stop fighting me, even though I was holding their body down.

“Spencer! Spencer, stop!” their shouts had no effect on me as I lifted the knife above my head. My eyes twisted shut as I slammed the knife down into their chest. It didn’t kill them instantly like I had hoped.

They lifted up their hand and grabbed my wrist, causing me to look down at their face with pure frustration. Blood was dripping from their lips, and I could see life slowly slipping from their eyes. Their grip on my wrist was slowly slipping.

“Stop this! Stop!” Their voice was weak. It was useless for them to fight, they should just give up.

When their hand fell from my wrist, allowing me to drop the knife back into their chest. This time their fight was gone, all they were doing was saying my name.

“Spencer?” A voice came from behind me. My body jerked awake, the book in my hand falling to the ground and the blanket around me slipping to the couch. Did I really fall asleep on the couch?

My question was quickly answered when my eyes caught a small glass half-filled with an amber liquid and the bottle to the amber liquid beside it. It was hard to say just how much I had... But I can easily say I think I drank too much. It was an unfortunate temporary crutch, and vice, I entrusted too much in a time like this. It was better than an older vice I could turn to. But I’m better than that now.

I swallowed roughly before looking over my shoulder, finding my person standing in the doorway of our room. A blanket was wrapped around their body. And they stared at me, the exhaustion in their eyes was mildly concerning. It was probably my fault too. In fact, it was my fault.

“What’s… Why are you out here?” They asked as they stepped closer to me. I looked up at them, watching as they moved closer to the couch.

“I, uh… I couldn’t sleep. So I came out here to read,” I replied as I looked down at the book on the ground. The cover of ‘The Narrative of John Smith’ mocked me from its place on the ground. It didn’t belong on the ground, it should be on the shelf or the coffee table.

“It looked like you were asleep to me,” my person laughed as they sat beside me. I looked away from the book and back towards them. “Did something at work?”

“You could say that,” I whispered with a shrug. My gaze dropped from their face and to their hands. The response I gave wasn’t a total lie. I mean, work does play a part in my nightmares. But there’s more to that.

“Do… Do you want to talk about it?” they asked, finally moving their hands from their blanket and out to hold mine. I sighed deeply as I kept my eyes on their hands. They anxiously pulled and twisted their fingers as they awaited my answer. It was my fault that they were anxious.

“I had this dream a couple of nights ago…” I stared, my voice was low. I wrecked my mind, trying to find the words that I wanted to say and the order I wanted to say them in. “A couple nights is an… understatement.”

“Little bit longer?”

“Yeah, they’ve been happening for the last few weeks. Just this week they started getting bad.” I pressed a hand to my face, rubbing my eyes. “It was so bad. I actually scared myself awake. I can’t remember the last time I had a dream that bad… And that’s really saying something.” I dropped my hand to my lap and looked back at my person.

“That’s okay, you don’t have to remember.” They shook their head. I smiled as my eyes landed back on their face. “What was it about?” they asked. My smile fell away as I remembered the dream.

“Well, it was… a lot of them are about the team… And they keep dying because of me. And then more of them are about you… And it was you instead of Nadie.” My voice shook as I spoke. Tears burned down my cheeks and it was so hard to stay grounded.

“Spence,” they spoke, reaching out a hand and resting it on my knee. That’s what helped keep me here...

“And the ones with you are always the worst. The first time it happened, I woke up at two in the morning and stayed awake, watching you sleep... Because I was scared… I swear to God I was going to lose my mind,” I whispered. My person looked at me with worry and fear in their eyes. I sighed again and shook my head. “Then I had the worst week of my life. At first, you didn’t notice. But you always know.”

“Well when you’re with someone for long enough, you begin to pick up on their sudden mood changes and when they’re not sleeping in the same bed as you,” they laughed at me. I smiled and shook my head. Even though it was a dark moment, they knew I needed the laugh.

“You know me so well it was my turn to laugh. I squeezed their hand before bringing it to my lips, carefully pressing my lips to their knuckles. They smiled back at me before holding both my hands with theirs.

“Well just call me your… Safety net…” They smiled before moving closer to me.

“Yeah… Safety net… Always there to catch me when I fall… Or always there to talk me off the ledge.” I whispered that last part. They looked up at me with concern in their eyes. I swallowed roughly, not ready to have the conversation about that last comment.

“We’re getting really off-topic,” they laughed after a moment of silence. I was glad they didn’t want to talk about that last part now. It was more a ‘for later’ conversation.

Their laughter made me safe. Safer in that moment than I have in the last week, month even. That’s funny, isn’t it? That a person’s laugh could make me feel safe? I wonder if they knew that too. It was something I needed too. Something to make me feel safe. And it was another person’s laugh.

“Well off-topic in a way that’s still on topic,” I began rambling. They smiled and shrugged, silently telling me I was right. “I’ve been…” My words trailed off as I looked back at the coffee table and the glass of whiskey. I could still taste the bitterness of it on my tongue as I stared at the glass. “I’ve been drinking… Just to clear my mind of the dreams,” I sighed again, “I’m just afraid, I guess.” I looked up at them.

“That’s okay. I trust you enough to know when to stop.” They blinked at me in such an innocent way. Trust. They trusted me. And I’m having dreams about killing them… But they still trust me. “Maybe there’s a meaning behind your dreams.”

“You know I’m not one for dream analysis,” I breathed out a laugh. They looked at me with a raised eyebrow and small smile before shaking their head.

“Maybe… If I keep dying in your dreams… it could be because you want to die with me. I know I want to die with you,” they nervously laughed as they looked down at our hands. “If I’m only going to die once, I want to die with you.” They smiled softly.

“It’s just… It’s killing me watching it happen over and over behind my eyelids, and it feels like there’s nothing I can do. What if I can’t keep you safe? I’m afraid of… What’s this all for? It’ll end up being nothing in the end.” Not keeping my person safe was one of my biggest fears. So watching them die over, and over, and over again is actually killing me.

“Oh, Honey,” they whispered, “you don’t have anything to be afraid of… I’ll be safe if I’ve got you. And you’ll be safe if you’ve got me. You got that, Chump?” they asked as they softly shoved my shoulder. I laughed lightly before nodding.

“Yeah, yeah I got that,” I whispered as I looked up at them with a small smile.

"You wanna go lay down?" They asked, looking at me with tired eyes. I smiled as I stared at their face. "I'll let you be the little spoon."

“You really know how to bargain,” I laughed, watching as they stood up. Their hand was stretched out to me, waiting for me to take it into mine. “Little spoon…” I smiled at them before resting my hand into theirs. They returned the smile as they pulled me to my feet. “I think you have me sold.”

“I better have you sold. You know I love being the little spoon,” they muttered as they dragged me back to our bedroom.

if you want to be a part of a taglist or have any comments about this one shot, let me know here

[acourtofsnakes]

Jetii'kad - Rogue, Chapter 22| The Mandalorian x Force Sensitive! Reader

GIF by @di-kut​​

Summary: Your training with Ahsoka moves on to new, exciting levels and a comms call with Din threatens to shatter the peace of the last few weeks. 

Warnings: Not too many in this actually. Swearing - I don’t think there is, but I’ll pop it on just in case, injury, falling, me making things up about Jedi training

Word Count: 5k+

A/N: Oh, dear. 

Rogue Msterlist: 1: Solus | 2: Arir | 3: Tor | 4: Gaa'tayl ^ | 5: Kyr’am | 6: Cabur ^ | 7: Ret'urcye Mhi | 8: Haran | 9. E’tad | 10: Tome * | 11: Aliit Ori'shya Tal'din * | 12: Mar’eyce**^ | 13: Kov’nyn | 14: Ne’tra ^ | 15: Or’dinii | 16: Dar | 17: Haalur | 18: Mesh’la** | 19: Talyc ^^ | 20: Jorhaa'ir ^^ | 21: Hibirar | 

Rogue| The Mandalorian x Force Sensitive! Reader (f) Taglist: @snipskixandbeskar @weirdowithnobeardo @the-bottom-of-the-abyss @jackgrzs @sarahjkl82-blog @boomtownboy @goldielocks2004 @seninjakitey @what-iwish-you-knew @queenofthefaceless @rosiefridayrogersunday @greeneyedblondie44 @itsnottilly @welcometothepedroverse @xgoldenjenny @mamacitapascal @heyitsjaybird @amyk-37 @greatcircle79

Permanent Taglist: @greeneyedblondie44 @mamacitapascal @mypedrom @undiscovered-misunderstood @kaylee-krystal

Mando’a Translation: Jetii’kad - Lightsaber; Literally: Sword of the Jedi

Another couple of weeks had passed, and things were still going incredibly well. 

You were flying through your training, and Ahsoka was continually impressed with you. There were still days where your past threatened to choke you, but Ahsoka was there to help you work it through. 

Din had taken to going on small hints that took him away for a few days at a time. He was comfortable and satisfied that the pair of you and the kids were safe here - and happy. 

Ahsoka had previously had some trouble with the town, but that had been resolved now and she still chose to reside here on Corvus peacefully whilst looking for things herself.

So, Din had gone off after getting a comms message from Greef about some small bounty missions. 

He’d been uncharacteristically like a mother hen the first time he left. You’d had to practically throw him in the Crest and send it into the sky yourself. He’d also checked in every night and morning, making sure everyone was okay and you weren’t pushing yourself too hard. 

It didn’t bother you, his worrying or checking in. If anything, it just filled you with a blissfully sweet warmth that wrapped around your heart and soul. 

You hadn’t had anyone do such things in… far longer than you could remember. 

And maybe because you were equally as worried about him. 

Oh, to be in love. 

You did miss him when he was gone, there was no denying that.

He had been by your side almost every single day since he picked you up on Sorgan, and to not have him there was a bit of a shock. You found yourself turning around to say something to him... only he wasn’t there. It wasn’t just the conversation either, it was the little things. 

Like the brush of his hand over your lower back or hand, his shoulder bumping against yours as you walked, him flanking you like a broad, metallic guard. 

Even just the sound of his laughter or the soft clink of beskar as he moved. 

It felt like he had taken a limb with him, leaving you unbalanced and off-centre. 

Although had you been truly on your own, it would have been a hell of a lot worse. But there were a few things in particular that made it easier. Training, the kids and Ahsoka of course, but mainly... the next thing you had moved onto. 

Lightsaber training. 

You hadn’t expected to even get near the training sabers - poles of the same size and near weight of lightsabers, used to get acquainted with the momentum and movements - for months. But Ahsoka had informed you a couple days ago that she truly believed you were ready so soon. Like you were born for this. 

You were ecstatic, beside yourself with glee when you told Din over your comms call that night that you’d be starting. The man had been so proud of you, complimenting you the whole call until the praise turned his voice to a lower pitch, that honey rasp that heated your blood and your call had turned into a very different kind of praise and reward until the early hours of the morning. 

All the stars above, this man would be the death of you one day. 

Ahsoka had pretended not to notice the lingering flush on your cheeks the next morning as she set you to work with the poles, explaining the basics of grip and balance.

At first, you were rather clumsy. Your weapons of choice were either a bow, daggers or long knives. At the most, you’d sometimes practised with Din’s beskar spear, but a saber would be a length between your longest knife and Din’s spear.

Hence why you spent the first day with the training pole slipping out of your hands, nearly taking off your foot at one point. 

However, you kept going, determined to prove that Ahsoka’s pride and instincts about you hadn’t been wrong. 

That your own steadily growing belief in yourself hadn’t been wrong either. 

After your nightly calls with Din, you took yourself off to the edge of the clearing, practicing your saber movements. 

You worked through the drills Ahsoka gave you in the day, spinning and whirling until you could move across the floor of the clearing silently, whipping the training pole through the air like an extension of your arm. 

You knew a real one would take more practice, more care and precision but this was a good start – you were proud of yourself, actually. 

There was only one thing bothering you and you hadn’t told Din or Ahsoka. 

See, there was this… feeling inside you. A small, swirling darkness that sat in your chest. 

It wasn’t the same as the heavy cloud that sometimes lowered over your mood and mind… No, this was a different kind of darkness. 

This darkness yearned for… destruction. Devastation. 

To bring down pain and fury on all of those that hurt you. To tear apart their lives the way yours had been torn. But not just your life, but the people that had hurt Din and Grogu. 

Those who had made Ahsoka choose to banish herself. 

And it scared you because, well… you had wanted those things for a long, long time. From back when your powers were once again dormant, and you often hesitated between knocking a hunter out – or killing them. And when that dark cloud had first emerged, it gave you the power to butcher those who dared come after you. 

That was the first time your bounty price has risen. Word got out that you were taking down elite members of the Guild, Stormtroopers, high ranking noble fighters from far off planets. 

The scared little girl with no family had given way to a deadly assassin who would strike with the speed of a serpent and had the venom of one too. 

That same version of yourself often walked in your dreams, and lately, you felt her lingering at the shadows around your peripheral. She had risen from her long slumber, triggered perhaps by the understanding of Haran’s words, back when he had kidnapped you. 

This assassin… she would recognise the horrors he had committed, the monster that prowled in his skin but… she would understand. Because the same monster prowled beneath her own skin. 

Two kindred spirits who’s lives had been torn apart by monsters who refused to understand. 

And last night… last night you’d awoken from a dream-like state, only to find yourself nearly a mile from the camp. 

As if you were going for that hunt right away. 

You’d been shaken, that lingering craving for destruction still sitting heavy in your chest as you hurried back to camp. 

No. 

You couldn’t tell the others at all. 

~~

“So, are you ready to move onto the next stage of your training today?” Ahsoka faced you across the clearing you often practiced in, the strange, murky haze shifting today to something closely resembling sunlight. 

You nodded, trying not to look too eager as you watched her, limbs already loosened up and warmed, ready to go. “Ready.” 

Ahsoka smiled a little at your eagerness, her hands clasped behind her back, “Now, this is usually something that Jedi get trained to do near the end of their learning. After they’ve mastered the essentials of the Force, honed them to use in everyday life and in battle, they have to learn the theory and history of this next part. Then extensive training and only after they’ve proved with the practice weapons that they won’t take off someone’s leg or their own arm, then they are simply just considered for this next phase.”

You began to read where she was going with this, and you had to bite your lip to contain the squeal of excitement that threatened to burst forth from your chest. 

She knew this, of course. 

“But, you’ve risen up through the training quicker than even I thought. And with the life you lead…  I don’t see why you aren’t ready.” She moved her arms from behind her, holding out her hand. 

She was holding out a tube. 

A sleek, silver tube that was ever so slightly curved… it was one of her own. 

She was going to let you train with one of her own lightsabers. 

Your head snapped up to look at her as your breathing caught in your throat, “Ashoka… This is… I can’t use this. What if I break it?” You gripped your own elbows, forcing your hands not to be all grabby and reach for it like they so desperately yearned to. 

Ahsoka chucked softly despite herself, “What did I teach you?” She still held out the saber, the hazy sun glinting off of the metal. 

You thought back to all your lessons, but already knew where she was going with this, “Never doubt my Master.” 

She raised an eyebrow, wiggling the tube almost teasingly, “And?” 

You puffed out a breath through your cheeks, rolling your eyes, “Never doubt myself.” You shot her a look, all playful, friendly bantering… because she was right. 

She grinned beautifully, a rare sight, “See. I wouldn’t let you touch this if I didn’t think you were ready. Or trust you.” Her expression softened, “You have nothing to fear from yourself, Padawan.” She used the name affectionately, remembering it from her own times of being young and unsure, eager to prove herself. 

You studied her face, reading the confidence there, the understanding, and you thought of the belief in yourself that had been regrowing for a while now. Almost immediately, your shoulders relaxed, and you let go of your arms, instead reaching out for the saber. You hesitated for a brief moment, but then took it, holding it carefully and bringing it back toward your body. 

As soon as you touched it, you could have sworn it thrummed with energy, a gentle pulse that sung through your blood and veins and spoke to you. It made you feel immediately… whole. Settled. 

This had been what you were missing. 

Ahsoka watched you, studying the was your face softened, the light growing in your eyes. Your stance had changed too, more balanced and self-assured. “Activate it.” 

You looked up at her, holding your breath for a moment and you lifted the saber, taking a second to think. 

All your life… had been leading to this moment, really. 

As soon as you activated this saber, you were stepping into the role that had been in your blood, always. Not a Jedi, but something different. 

Entirely unique.

Every trauma you had gone through, every wave of pain as you tried to restrain your true self. The stigma and fear, the admiration from those that believed and chose to help you… even if it had ended up in their own demise, despite your best efforts. 

This all flashed through your mind quickly, before it cleared. Emptying of everything but the cool, flowing feeling of the Force and so, you shifted your thumb and activated it. 

Glowing, white energy burst upward as the crystal was activated, pushing away the murky haze and filling the small area around you with that pure light. 

Beautiful, radiant… true. 

Ahsoka Tano smiled more, activating her remaining lightsaber with that pulsing hum, “And now we begin.” 

~~

The moon shone high in the murky sky, casting everything with a milky glow as you settled into your tree of choice. 

It was your nightly call to Din, and you often called him whilst perched in one of the more substantial trees, so as to not disturb Ahsoka with the noise. You knew she fell asleep late and rose early, but you still wanted to be polite. 

It was also more to make sure Grogu didn’t wake up – he was a little monster for not going back to sleep again. Din called in the day sometimes, to speak to Grogu but the nights… they were just for the two of you. 

You watched the hologram display, which told you the call was patching through. 

Your model of the comms watch didn’t allow for video calls, but its sound quality was crystal clear, almost as if you were standing right next to Din. 

You almost hadn’t been able to wait for your call tonight, to tell him all about your day learning. 

The training had gone… really, really well. 

Ahsoka had shown you the basics of handling the saber so you wouldn’t slice through your toes, how to move with the glowing beacon of energy and use it most effectively. 

It was different to the training spears, but it was a concept you grasped quickly. 

Your past training and skill in combat came in useful, for you were already light and nimble on your feet. 

The pair of you had trained over and over, until you were both dancing across the clearing, spinning and leaping around each other, aided by the Force and lighter than the air itself. 

It was a spectacular light show for the kids, who were cheering – or meowing – in delight throughout the whole thing. 

And, at the end, when you were both panting and a little flushed, Ahsoka had dropped to a knee in front of you, inclining her head in a soft bow, “It’s an honour to fight with you, and teach you.” 

Ahsoka Tano… praising you. Feeling honoured by you. 

By the Maker and all the stars above, you still couldn’t get over that. 

There was more to learn, much more, but Ahsoka had been so impressed, she promised a day off tomorrow where the four of you would explore some of the rare, beautiful spots on the planet. 

You had so much to tell Din. 

It took Din little longer than usual for him to answer, but you put that down simply to the distance between you, and the storm that Ahsoka said was going to roll in soon. 

A few minutes later, the ringing tone pinged, and Din’s voice filled the air, “Hey, sweetheart.” 

Those two simple words, the gentle rasp of them that was all honey and roughness just instantly soothed your very soul. It caressed over your body, much like Din’s hands, and you let out a soft sigh, your chest loosening, “Hey, Din… How are you?” 

There was a lot of wind his end, rushing through the mic but then it stopped, like he’d turned a different way, “I’m okay, tired. But better hearing your voice.” 

Sweet-talker.

You grinned to yourself, tilting back your head, “Oh, yeah? Why’s that?” Your leg swung lazily from the branch, a picture of relaxation now that you were talking to your love. 

Din grunted, the wind suddenly roaring through the line again, blocking out whatever he was saying to you. 

You frowned, wincing as the gust made the line all staticky, “Din, what are you doing? It sounds like you’re on the back of one of those reptavian from Nevarro.” However, the hairs on the back of your neck stood up, a sense telling you that you weren’t going to like whatever came next. 

There were a few moments hesitation, and you could almost hear Din wishing the ground – or maybe air – would swallow him whole, “Um…” 

Oh. 

You really weren’t going to like this. 

Dread coiled with apprehension in your belly, a tight feeling creeping along your skin, “Um? What do you mean, um? Tell me, Din.” There was a sharpness to your tone, one that he knew well. 

It was a ‘don’t you dare lie to me’ tone. 

A very soft noise over the wind and Din started to speak, but then was cut off by a burst of rapid, loud fire. 

Blaster fire. 

He was being shot at. 

Your heart nearly dropped through your stomach, and you had to grab hold of the tree branch so you didn’t fall out. A light trembling shook your hands, but your voice was still steady, “Din Djarin, was that blaster fire?!” 

It sounded like Din seemingly retaliated, because then his voice came back, “Okay… Okay, promise me you won’t get mad.” There was a pleading note to his words, but it seemed like he was cringing, waiting for the blow up.

“Too late.” You hissed those two words through gritted teeth, heart pounding with fear in your chest. “If you keep avoiding my questions, it’s going to get a whole lot worse.” 

Din sucked in a breath, and then let it out all in a rush, “I’m at an Imperial base.” 

Silence from you. 

So quiet, Din would have been able to hear the owls in the trees. Maybe even the fire crackling down below. 

The words echoed around in your mind slowly, unfolding and repeating. 

He had to be joking. Din wouldn’t be that reckless.

“Sweetheart…?” Din was hesitant, worried by your silence, when he’d been expected fire - and shouting. 

You closed your eyes, more to rein in your impending anger, to give you something to focus on, so that your voice remained quiet when you spoke, “And what, might I ask, are you doing at an Imperial base?”

He audibly swallowed, still grunting and seemingly dodging the shots being fired at him from Stormtroopers, “Well, I was on a hunt and I found talk of an Imp base nearby causing trouble in the town. I asked what it was and…” He hesitated for a second before realising that might simultaneously worry you and make you even more mad “And the townspeople told me they were looking for someone. Someone with a huge bounty… a girl.”

It was like someone poured ice water over your body. 

There was a whole Imp base… looking for you?

Sure, a few Stormtroopers had come after you before, and then those ones that had ambushed you before Haran showed up but... a whole base…

Don’t think about that though. That’s secondary.

“Okay… And what, they sold you out to the Imps? Told them you were hunting nearby?” Maybe you had jumped to conclusions a little quickly. 

Of course Din wouldn’t have gone to a base and ambushed it. If the townspeople wanted to stop the trouble, maybe they thought giving information to the Imps would be a good idea.  It would make sense. Plenty of people had sold you out the very same way to save themselves, and you hadn’t been able to blame them. 

More blaster fire, but it was a little further away this time. It still didn’t stop you flinching with each shot, waiting for the inevitable grunt of pain from Din.

“Uhm… not exactly. I… asked Cara and a few old friends to help me. We… infiltrated it and tried to find the information they had on you, but they realised who we were.” Din’s voice was halted, stumbling over the word ‘infiltrated’. It was choked somehow, as if was grappling with retelling you the story. 

Something had happened in there… And then it occurred to you. 

If they infiltrated the base… Din wouldn’t have bene able to waltz in there with his beskar armour on. 

He would have to have blended in. 

Which meant… he took off the armour. 

Before you could mention it, he was talking, his words quieter in that voice that meant trouble, “We managed to get out and…”

The trembling had taken over your entire body, a voice in your head chiming that Din was lying, that he was joking with you because he wouldn’t do this, he wouldn’t do what you knew he was going to say… “And?” A single word, weighted. 

You heard Din swallow, and then, “We kind of… blew it up…” 

Silence, again. 

Laughter then suddenly burst from your mouth, albeit slightly hysterical laughter, but still. One minute you were staring at the moon in utter horror, and the next you were doubled over in fits of giggles.

“Sweetheart…?” Now Din just sounded concerned. He had expected another blow up the moment you realised what was going on, and so far, none of it had happened the way he thought. And now here you were, laughing? 

You shook your head even though he couldn’t see you, “I’m sorry, it’s just – for a moment there, I really believed you!” You covered your mouth, trying to stifle the increasing hysteria, “I really believed you had infiltrated an Imperial base with a tiny crew, to find information out on me you could have got from capturing an Imp, and then you make it even better by trying to convince me you blew up a base!” You leant back against the tree, your heart rate picking up unsteadily, sweat pooling in your hands and you felt your power thrum through your blood. 

“Darling - ”

“Ooh, you really nearly had me there, Din. And I’m so glad you’re joking, because no way would you yell at me endlessly for getting kidnapped and then plunged into a frozen lake – none of which was my fault – telling me I’m reckless and stupid… and then go off on a little joyride to destroy Imperial strongholds.” The laughter was melting away, your voice getting more frantic and pleading, like you were begging him to tell you he was joking. 

The wind rushed through the comm’s call again, the sounds of Din twisting in the air, presumably with the Rising Phoenix to steer clear of the ground forces, “Sweetheart, listen to me.” His voice was steady, soothing, “I’m fine, okay? I’m completely fine. I’m not doing this to be reckless, or stupid, or hypocritical. They have information on you and there are hundreds of them. If they’re gone, they can’t hurt you. They won’t know where to find you.” 

His words were doing nothing to soothe you, “Don’t patronise me, Din. You can’t tell me you’re fine and then tell me there are hundreds of Troopers after you. There are only… what, four of you?” Your breathing was coming in sharp pants now, images of Din’s broken body, blood on white armour and dark dungeons flashing through your mind’s eye.

“Five.” Din spoke the word softly, and you nearly didn’t hear it over the rushing wind and sounds of fighting. 

Another laugh that sounded more like a sob, “Oh, five? Like that’s so much better!! I don’t doubt your abilities, Din. You know I believe in you more than anything in the world, but this is… I can’t believe you would do this.” The words were a trembled whisper at the end, fear clutching at your heart once more. It was starting to choke you, turn your blood to slush and your bones to ice. 

The thought of losing him was something that kept you awake frequently. Sometimes it would hit you out of nowhere in the day, the idea of living the rest of your life without them by your side. 

Gone, little more than a gravestone and memories. 

The thought made you physically sick, having you have to run to the nearest place to expel that terror in heaving gasps. 

You’d hidden that from Ahsoka and Din too. 

Distantly, it occurred to you that you should hang up, let him have his full concentration back but… you couldn’t help the horrid thought that if you hung up... you would never speak to him again.

Din knew this, heard it all in the tone of your voice, in the things you couldn’t and didn’t need to say. He knew you weren’t mad at him, not like that. It was the same anger he had felt when he thought he’d lost you. The gut-wrenching fear of not being able to do anything – the anger at the helplessness. “I promise you; everything is okay. I will be fine; my friends will be fine, and no one will get hurt. We’re nearly done already. Breathe, sweetheart. You’re not going to lose me. We promised each other, remember?”

That’s true… you had. You’d promised each other that you would never part this life alone. When one left, the other would follow. 

You swallowed, trying to take a deep breath in through your nose and out your mouth, “Okay…. Okay. Just… come home, okay?”

“Of course, darling. I’ll be home just as soon as-”

A piercing pulse shattered his voice, searing through the speaker on your watch with its resounding whistle. 

Your breathing exercises halted immediately, “Din? Din?!” 

No, no no no - 

It means nothing. Just a close call knocking out the signal, that’s all. That’s all it is. 

A burst of static shot into the night air, and then you heard broken up, jagged snippets of Din’s voice, undeterminable pieces of speech. 

“Din, Din I can’t hear you. You’re breaking up... Are you okay? Tell me you’re okay, please Din.” Your throat closed up again, the dark beast in your chest snarling as it tasted that terror, feeding on it and spreading through you with those horrific images. 

The part of you that craved destruction, that shadowy assassin woke up, bringing forth the vengeance, ready to tear them apart piece by piece if Din had been hurt.

More static and wind and then something that you would haunt your waking and sleeping dreams for a very, very long time.  

The signal unjammed, and clear as crystal, you heard Din’s broken cry of pain. Of agony. 

A harsh noise you had never heard before. 

It was stunned, dragged from within him by a wound that must have hit deep and sudden. 

The world seemed to go still on its axis, everything slowing down to a halt.

The entwined golden threads of your lives pulled taut, stretching apart from each other. 

Your heart tore to pieces. 

“DIN!!” His name broke on a sobbing cry, making the surrounding birds take flight from the bare branches, causing Grogu to wake up down below but you didn’t care. 

The line had just gone silent, just as one of those threads began to fray. 

~~

~

He was falling. 

Down, down, down toward the ground, smoke billowing from his back. 

He was an exploding star, a falling planet, hurtling toward the floor with a speed he couldn’t reduce. 

Thirty metres. 

The speed of his fall and the force of it caused darkness to pull over his vision momentarily, casting everything into shadow and silence before it all came flooding back. 

Everything was a blur of colour, whipping past the visor of his helmet in a smudge of brown, grey and green. The wind roared past him, battering the armour that used to be his savour, soon to be his tomb. 

Twenty metres.

The impact of the ground on his armour would shatter his bones and spine, cracking his head open and ending him instantly. 

Maybe he’d be lucky, and it wouldn’t be painful. 

Or he’d pass out before he crashed. 

Ten metres. 

His family was safe, at least. That eased his mind somewhat. It would be hard getting off the planet, but they’d find a way.

Eight metres.

There’d be nothing left of him to find. An anonymous man in a beskar tomb, body broken beyond recognition. The people who would soon find him may very well be the first to see his face in… years. 

Six metres. 

And they weren’t the right ones. 

They weren’t her.

No, he’d finally reached a place where he felt safe to reveal himself. Only his hands first, but that was enough. He wanted to give more, so very badly but… he just couldn’t, not yet. But that was okay. He knew she’d understand, be more than happy with that reveal of the very pieces of his anatomy that had started all of this. 

His hands, running over her skin, tracing the delicate work of her tattoo. 

Three metres. 

Two meters. 

“I love you.” His gasped words were snatched by the air before they even left his lips, and he hoped the wind would carry them to the person they had always belonged to.  

One metre. 

“Goodbye, cyar'ika.”

“Thank you for showing me a world worth living.” 

~~~

~~

“Sir?” 

The young woman’s voice was steady and strong, breaking him from his thoughts as she knocked on the door to the war room. She’d been working here for a year now and had swiftly risen up the ranks. 

She was essentially his right hand, and he knew she wore that token proudly. There were no official titles given, but she was his best officer. 

She had been the one to locate the Mandalorian the first time around – and had also been the one to find the girl. 

That was why he had felt confident when she suggested hiring the Shadow-Born hunter to track them both down. And she hadn’t been wrong yet. 

“What is it, officer?”

She saluted, then stood tall, shoulders back, chin raised enough to be respectful, but not so much it was defiant. She looked him in the eyes, “We’ve found him, sir. He was responsible for blowing up the Imperial base, along with a group of friends, including another Mandalorian, an ex-Shock Trooper, a wanted assassin and a prisoner from the Karthon Chop Fields. The Hunter shot him out of the sky and has already apprehended him. The accomplices are so far unaccounted for.”

A faint smile passed the man’s lips, hunger and victory setting a dark fire in his eyes. He nodded his head to the young officer, “Never-mind the rabble. Good work, officer. Tell them to bring him here. There will already be a cell prepared for him. You know which one.” 

The woman nodded, inclining her head and then she headed off, but not before he saw the small smile she allowed herself. 

Good work indeed. 

She had done more in the past twelve months than any of his senior officers had. Maybe he should see about naming her his official right hand. 

He turned back to the large open window of the cruiser, clasping his hands behind his back, breathing in a deep sigh. 

Finally. 

When the Hunter had let the girl slip through his fingers, he’d been worried that he was being played for a fool. The hunter was unreliable, working to his own twisted agenda. If the Hunter betrayed him, there was no chance for the success and power that he deserved. 

But he needn’t have worried at all. 

He now had the one thing that would guarantee the girls cooperation. He had hoped for the Child too, but he could wait for that. 

It may have been slow going, and people may have called him deluded for trying to bring back the old ways… but here was the proof that things were finally going the way Moff Gideon had planned it all along. 

~~~

~~

If only he knew that his plan had been set in motion by another. The successes were not his to claim. 

The King of Shadows and Destruction was sitting at his board of death, moving each piece as the endgame approached, the final checkmate that would put to rest years and years of waiting and scheming. 

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