#lashing out at others
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bananonbinary · 11 months ago
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also worth noting that "abusive" doesn't actually mean "irredeemable" either.
there's a lot of people that have done things in the past that were bad, because they weren't taught any better, or they were in an overall toxic situation where EVERYONE was shitty (like a cult), or they were just at an especially low point and hurt others for it.
you don't have to forgive them. you don't have to ever speak to them again. you can be angry with them until you die if you want.
but society cannot function if we don't allow them to move on. to change their behavior and fuck off somewhere else and build meaningful relationships without bothering you again. we need a path for people to change, or nothing ever will.
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giantkillerjack · 1 year ago
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
Plain-text version:
Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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cubbihue · 2 months ago
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Although Fairies appear humanoid in nature, they actually have a more pure form unseen by the naked eye. This is because Humans lack the ability to perceive anything beyond the fourth dimension. Given enough magic, a Fairy can manifest their true form onto all planes of existence.
This is usually not recommended, as seeing a Fairy's purest form can cause madness. A Fairy should only use their pure form when necessary, such as containing uncontrollable wishes, or high quantities of magic. Especially since there's heavy drawbacks and sacrifices to manifesting one's pure form.
Bitties Series: [Start] > [Previous] > [Next]
Instability: [Start] > [Previous] > [Next]
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felsicveins · 9 months ago
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Shot through the heart, and you're to blame, darling you give love a bad name
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homehauntsyou · 2 months ago
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the way that right before dean punches sam in bloodlust he kind of makes himself look less threatening, smiles a little bit, shakes his head, and then turns around and absolutely swings at him. he wants sam to be surprised by it !! he does want it to hurt !! he does get some level from satisfaction in the act & what it means and that’s really really crucial to just how dean is.
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homoquartz · 3 months ago
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i think it's worthwhile to think about how crystal put the pause on her and charles's fling.
because i'm sure there were a lot of reasons (including getting her life in order), but her breaking things off is immediately preceded by her having a nightmare where charles's rage and violence towards the night nurse was framed in direct parallel to david's abuse of crystal.
i think charles is a source of great comfort for her, but he also triggers her. his anger SCARES her, which is part of why she yells at him in the next episode about his rage issues.
it's something i think would be good for them to work out a bit in a second season.
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autisticandroids · 5 months ago
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CASTIEL: Stop. What's the point if you don't mean it? You fear me - not love, not respect, just fear.
[youtube with closed captions]
a godstiel pity party. i'd like to thank an anon i got way back in february of 2021.
#spn#vid#spnamvarchive#so fun fact i started making this more than a year ago. got it 90% done. and then was like no this isn't working#i will come back to this later.#it turns out that i needed to make some videos about cas and angels (the love club + help i'm alive amvs)#in order to make this one. anyway this video is about french mistake robert singer voice season six#i really struggled with it because i could NOT find the thread until i realized that it needed to be literally godstiel pov#it's about love and desire and jealousy and hurt and omnidirectional rage <3#it's about the fact that cas is so utterly dependent on dean for his self-image - however dean sees him that's it#it's about having a moment of reflection about lashing out before you do it but doing it anyway#it's about taking cruelty and dishing it out#and crucially. it's about being pregnant#mpregpocalypse#fun fact: i made a post about working on three season six amvs all the way back in nov. 2022#and only now have they come to fruition (this one + love club + metric)#anyway. have you heard that cas is obsessed#the thing is i do kinda want to add some specific director's commentary here. like the first verse is about cas being like.#incredibly deeply emotionally vulnerable to dean. as in: his emotional state and self-image is totally dominated by what dean thinks of him#and if dean is mad at him. and then the second verse is about... dean upsetting him and him responding to that by Killing Everybody lol#like he has a moment of reflection ['certain regrettable things are now required of me' + killing rachel] where he's like i've 1) also done#bad things and 2) i feel bad about it so maybe i will regret Killing Everyone. but then he does it anyway due to everybody keeps turning#on him. i feel like the rest of the amv is self evident. i guess i should note that 'share a paradise' is about how both of them have#a nostalgic view of the early days of their relationship when it wasn't Like This lol. but everything else i think is self evident.#oh and the reason the other angels flash onscreen with their burned wings at the end is i'm EVOKING the image of cas' wings burning. even#though it doesn't happen. i'm evoking it
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uncanny-tranny · 8 months ago
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I've talked before about how the way people treat suicide can be unintentionally devastating to the suicidal person, but I don't think I really ever said how to avoid that.
Speaking about suicide in how selfish it "is" ("think about how you'll transfer your pain to your loved ones!") might seem like a way to put logical sense into the suicidal person, but, honestly? It runs the risk of massively increasing their shame and guilt about being suicidal. Suicide is not inherently a revenge fantasy or a way to "get back" at someone's loved ones, so when the suicidal person is treated like a criminal of a "crime" they haven't even committed yet, you can imagine how unhelpful that can become.
Instead, if you want to point out how cherished your person is, frame their relationships as something they can keep fostering.
"Your cat will miss you :(!!!!" becomes "you and your cat seem close, right? I'm sure it's beautiful having a close friend like that!" and maybe include ways that they and their cat are close and meaningful to each other, tailored to that relationship.
That's only one example, but when you shift the focus away from why that person should repent and feel guilty for being suicidal, you can instead focus on why they would live for that reason. See how you can frame that as a positive? Whatever is keeping that person tethered should never be used as a bludgeon, I think, because then you're taking away why they're living, the positivity of why they are here. Whatever they are here for should be remembered often and honoured.
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wendybergmann · 2 years ago
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the shot of nate being stopped in his tracks seeing ted and trent talk is making me mental because we as an audience know that nate leaked ted's mental health to trent. nate wanted to be an anonymous source so he probably didn't piece together that ted knows what he did because ted hasn't really confronted nate about it and not many people know the full story of what went down so it hasn't spread around (the team just now know about the sign being torn in half). nate couldn't make amends for his accidental slight in not shaking ted's hand because he couldn't face the deeper hurt he has caused to the man he looked up to, who was one of the first to see his potential
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to-be-a-dreamer · 1 month ago
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Not to get too involved in discourse but “Agatha is a deeply traumatized person who is acting out of a place of hurt and deserves sympathy for the pain she's had to endure and understanding that the majority of her wrongdoings were committed out of desperation for survival” and “Intention doesn’t erase outcome and her pain doesn't undo the trauma and horror she's committed against others; her victims don't owe her forgiveness before redemption and it is reasonable for people who know nothing about her past to distrust her based on her reputation and the persona she displays” are both true statements that can coexist.
Please remember that "morally gray" means a person is neither good nor bad. Please do not reduce this incredibly complex character to entirely evil or entirely innocent because she is neither. She has done truly terrible, unforgivable things and is also a victim of cruelty and injustice. Let her be both.
#people decided she was evil and it's not her responsibility to hurt herself further just to prove them wrong#she allowed an entire town to continue suffering under the spell of an untrained witch when she had the ability to help them#she was forced to kill her own family just to survive after they tried to execute her as a child#she intentionally tried to goad the other witches into blasting her with magic so she could steal their power and kill all three of them#all she's ever wanted is to be loved and she lost the few people in the world who ever gave her that of course she lashes out#wanda 100% would have tried to help agatha bring nicholas back if she'd reached out and helped her#instead of intentionally trying to steal power from a grief-stricken woman who didn't even understand her power yet#why would she try to reach out to a stranger when even her own family betrayed her?#if she wants people to give her a chance surely that starts with giving others a chance to be loyal as well?#there are so many layers to this character please see them all#i'm begging y'all do not try to reduce agatha to just another 'i'm innocent because i have a tragic backstory' villain i'm so over those#do not steal the impact of her character arc by pretending she has nothing to repent for because she does#also agatha harkness is not your poor little meow meow she is a centuries-old witch who wielded the darkhold how are people infanilizing he#agatha all along#agatha harkness#agatha all along spoilers
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worstloki · 1 year ago
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AU where Loki doesn’t interfere with Thor’s banishment at all and it takes Thor years to prove himself worthy and when he returns to Asgard everything is just. The same. Nothing seems to have changed at all and everyone greets him like his absence was a minor obstacle that didn’t fundamentally change Thor and the worst part is Loki stepped down from the place as regent without any delay and Thor can’t help but feel there’s something underlaying the way his brother looks at him now and won’t let him touch him and Thor doesn’t know what he could have missed because he doesn’t think he would have found anything wrong with the things around him and how everyone behaves if he hadn’t spent time on Earth reflecting.
#the warriors 4 not being interested in anything Thor ‘learnt’ at all#and making it clear that Thor was punished unfairly and the AllFather’s decision had been harsh#Loki saying he’s happy for Thor and Thor sees the way the smiles are forced and he sees the way Loki avoids any touch#Thor hating the way Frigga talks about Loki’s short regency and Thor’s absence like it wasn’t two whole decades or something#like she’s so grateful to have her other son back without ever addressing why he was gone#Thor just. growing during his time on earth and being much more aware of the behaviour around him#he learns to be critical and assess why people around him may act a certain way#once he realises that it’s possible for him or anyone else to be fallible and make mistakes it’s over for Asgard for him I think#Thor returns and Loki gives him the throne and everyone expects him to obviously have the throne#and Odin is sleeping and Thor isn’t comfortable with the way everyone accepts him as king regent after the banishment#Loki who either never lashed out against Jotunheim or did and it was brushed away and no one thinks about it as anything#but Loki is still deeply affected and acts the way he always would have but Thor can feel it’s not the same#he knows something is wrong and Loki won’t say anything about it and Thor doesn’t know how to bring it up#Thor sees Loki metaphorically receding into the shadows to become a nonpresence so loud Thor hears it even after returning from decades away#Thor goes to Earth and gets his priorities in order gets a new worldview learns not to take what he has for granted#and finds out he actually despised Asgard#he’s been back a week and he can’t stand it
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statementlou · 1 month ago
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Tbh i am not surprised that a person who openly talked about having drinking problems since 1d days, because of how crazy 1d worked has been agressive. What surprises me is people being surprised (they never seriously saw drunk person?). But i am also confused about this whole book. Apparently Maya said that that book is not fully bout Liam but compilation about her exes and some of the worst parts are not about him. But recently she said that the book is “ofc about him” so what is true then? Or did she meant it that ofc some parts are about him or that whole book is about him?
Sorry, just confused
I also am not surprised- we've learned so much more about the real stories of things and about the guys' actual lives over the last years, and the story that has unfolded around Liam has been totally consistent throughout if you've been following it, and so the information Maya is telling us is shocking and upsetting but not difficult to believe. I got an anon yesterday saying they were worried about getting similar revelations about the other boys, like "if Liam could be doing this we just don't know, any of them could", and while in a way that's always true I guess, anyone could be doing anything in private like... that doesn't really concern me. Because none of these Liam revelations are coming out of nowhere, there have been many MANY steps along the way leading us here if you've been watching, and he has talked openly about both his mental health struggles and his addiction issues. So to answer that anon... to find out something similar about Louis would in contrast contradict everything we know about him and no I'm not worried about it. Is he probably very irritating, absolutely, but an abuser or a loose cannon, well that news would shock me. But anyway as for the book I don't find it strange that she was nervous when it came out and treading lightly and later decided, fuck it. In the absolutely on point tiktok she dropped today (YES👏GIRL👏FUCKING TELL THEM👏) she even mentions attempts to keep her from publishing the book, presumably by Liam's team, that I am riveted by and cannot WAIT to hear more details about actually- like I said I don't find it at all strange that she was nervous and downplayed it a bit then. But if she says now that it's just about Liam, well, I would say it's been clear from the beginning that the book is their story. Maya herself brought up the parallel of songs being written about stuff and I think it's the same thing; it's true (she was in an abusive relationship that involved certain kinds of events) but maybe not 100% literal (I'm sure details were changed to make the story work, it's not like a word for word timeline of their interactions or whatever).
#maya henry#blah blah blah#re the tiktok also lmaoooo are people really saying she wants money her family IS RICH like RICH RICH#but hot damn the part about enabling UH HUH !!!!!#yep yep yep#in terms of the other guys and what would shock me... well obviously we know Zayn has also had a history of agression#and we know WAY too much about him being pushy about sex lol#I would not be shocked to hear he crossed a line... but think he's probably just a bit of a fuckboy#I absolutely do not trust Niall behind closed doors but the songs we have about him seem to tell a pretty consistent story;#self absorbed but basically harmless#harry... who tf knows what he is like outside of being with Louis but I would be shocked to hear of him being aggressive yeah#I have a lot of issues with him but taking advantage of people or being pushy are not even on the radar#and as for Louis... like I said yeah it WOULD shock me. I don't just love him because he has a nice face!#it's BECAUSE of the ways we do know him and know what he's like. because of his tenderness and care#and his consistent kindness and love#and his openness about his private side#so yeah- it would shock the hell out of me it really would#but then I think that anon also was worried about eleanor spiling smth about their relationship so we are not coming from the same place#my kneejerk response was I'm sure he paid her on time what else are you worried about lol#although out of everyone if someone was going to say he lashed out at them I suppose it would be her#it was probably one of the most difficult and frought relationships in his life#and one that he did not want#so! but still no it doesn't worry me#tbh there was one thing in mayas video today that did surprise me which was the premeditation#Liam actually planning using the fans against people and sneaking around doing stuff#I guess even believing everythign I had chosen to paint a picture in my mind of someone who was still#basically unaware of the wrong they were doing and more flailing than plotting#and that shakes me a little. and makes me very unhappy to hear#liam discourse
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luck-of-the-drawings · 10 months ago
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EVERYONE SEEMS TO HAVE MOVED ON SO WELL, ITS LIKE NO ONE EVEN CARES THAT SHES GONE. ISNT ANYONE ELSE FUCKING MAD? OR CONFUSED? I WILL TEAR THIS WHOLE WORLD APART FOR AN ANSWER, SINCE NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO WANT TO.
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lambmotifz · 3 months ago
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sam and dean are not equally abusive. sam doesn’t feel the need to have physical power or control over dean and he’s not possessive to the same extent (he is possessive but it’s not the same as dean’s desperate need to own his brother like he’s his property)
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mint-stone · 3 months ago
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Aite, this is the ep that finally got me thinking that yeah Peri is a bit in over his head w/ his kid.
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fiendishartist2 · 1 year ago
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smth i think ppl get wrong when writing jon is that he has to be a bitch but he cant be cruel. if you take away his bitchyness its not jon anymore, he just becomes a fanon husk of himself. but if you make him too mean, then you're forgetting the awkward politeness and humanity of jonathan sims. remember: he may be a stubborn dickhead, but he let martin stay in the archives without having to be asked, even back in season 1
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