#lashing out at others

[bananonbinary]

also worth noting that "abusive" doesn't actually mean "irredeemable" either.

there's a lot of people that have done things in the past that were bad, because they weren't taught any better, or they were in an overall toxic situation where EVERYONE was shitty (like a cult), or they were just at an especially low point and hurt others for it.

you don't have to forgive them. you don't have to ever speak to them again. you can be angry with them until you die if you want.

but society cannot function if we don't allow them to move on. to change their behavior and fuck off somewhere else and build meaningful relationships without bothering you again. we need a path for people to change, or nothing ever will.

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[felsicveins]

Shot through the heart, and you're to blame, darling you give love a bad name

[ftmtftm]

Thinking about the intersection of personal and the political and slow progress today.

I was recently followed and harassed by a man while walking home from the grocery store. He started walking slightly behind me, asked if my clothes (an ankle length skirt and a purse) were "supposed to be a gay thing" and called me a faggot multiple times with increasing, malicious intensity as I tried to walk faster to get away from him.

The only thing that made him stop and leave me alone was the fact that a group of people gardening outside and a woman walking past at the same time explicitly made themselves known. He gave up because there were witnesses and I thankfully made it safely to my apartment building.

I was open about the experience on Facebook and the response really reminded me of why I put in the work to carry myself kindly when I can, to be an active part of my communities, and to be as open about my identity and experience as I am in spite of harassment like that.

Among the general support and compassion I've received from people, I've also had family friends that I know have been homophobic in the past reach out to make sure I'm recovering well. I've had old school friends who I know are deeply Mormon or Evangelical now and have been transphobic in the past reach out to make sure I am safe, tell me that they're glad I am alright, and that they hope this doesn't stop me from living authentically. The list goes on.

And that all means so much to me - because it means that our passing relationship has positively impacted the way they view queer people. Even if it's just because it's me, it's still an impact that can grow and go somewhere even more positive.

It was absolutely terrifying to be harassed so close to home and I do not want to downplay how shaken I have been by it - but in the same vein the recovery has been so easy because of how comforting it has been to know that the very thing that man was harassing me for has changed the minds of other people for the better.

[homoquartz]

i think it's worthwhile to think about how crystal put the pause on her and charles's fling.

because i'm sure there were a lot of reasons (including getting her life in order), but her breaking things off is immediately preceded by her having a nightmare where charles's rage and violence towards the night nurse was framed in direct parallel to david's abuse of crystal.

i think charles is a source of great comfort for her, but he also triggers her. his anger SCARES her, which is part of why she yells at him in the next episode about his rage issues.

it's something i think would be good for them to work out a bit in a second season.

[serendipity0930]

the way that right before dean punches sam in bloodlust he kind of makes himself look less threatening, smiles a little bit, shakes his head, and then turns around and absolutely swings at him. he wants sam to be surprised by it !! he does want it to hurt !! he does get some level from satisfaction in the act & what it means and that’s really really crucial to just how dean is.

[caitas-cooing]

Reblog this post if you are professionally diagnosed and you support informed self diagnosis and you hate people accusing others of faking disorders when they have no evidence to support that

[autisticandroids]

CASTIEL: Stop. What's the point if you don't mean it? You fear me - not love, not respect, just fear.

[youtube with closed captions]

a godstiel pity party. i'd like to thank an anon i got way back in february of 2021.

[wendybergmann]

the shot of nate being stopped in his tracks seeing ted and trent talk is making me mental because we as an audience know that nate leaked ted's mental health to trent. nate wanted to be an anonymous source so he probably didn't piece together that ted knows what he did because ted hasn't really confronted nate about it and not many people know the full story of what went down so it hasn't spread around (the team just now know about the sign being torn in half). nate couldn't make amends for his accidental slight in not shaking ted's hand because he couldn't face the deeper hurt he has caused to the man he looked up to, who was one of the first to see his potential

[worstloki]

AU where Loki doesn’t interfere with Thor’s banishment at all and it takes Thor years to prove himself worthy and when he returns to Asgard everything is just. The same. Nothing seems to have changed at all and everyone greets him like his absence was a minor obstacle that didn’t fundamentally change Thor and the worst part is Loki stepped down from the place as regent without any delay and Thor can’t help but feel there’s something underlaying the way his brother looks at him now and won’t let him touch him and Thor doesn’t know what he could have missed because he doesn’t think he would have found anything wrong with the things around him and how everyone behaves if he hadn’t spent time on Earth reflecting.

[luck-of-the-drawings]

EVERYONE SEEMS TO HAVE MOVED ON SO WELL, ITS LIKE NO ONE EVEN CARES THAT SHES GONE. ISNT ANYONE ELSE FUCKING MAD? OR CONFUSED? I WILL TEAR THIS WHOLE WORLD APART FOR AN ANSWER, SINCE NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO WANT TO.

[lambmotifz]

sam and dean are not equally abusive. sam doesn’t feel the need to have physical power or control over dean and he’s not possessive to the same extent (he is possessive but it’s not the same as dean’s desperate need to own his brother like he’s his property)

[uncanny-tranny]

I've talked before about how the way people treat suicide can be unintentionally devastating to the suicidal person, but I don't think I really ever said how to avoid that.

Speaking about suicide in how selfish it "is" ("think about how you'll transfer your pain to your loved ones!") might seem like a way to put logical sense into the suicidal person, but, honestly? It runs the risk of massively increasing their shame and guilt about being suicidal. Suicide is not inherently a revenge fantasy or a way to "get back" at someone's loved ones, so when the suicidal person is treated like a criminal of a "crime" they haven't even committed yet, you can imagine how unhelpful that can become.

Instead, if you want to point out how cherished your person is, frame their relationships as something they can keep fostering.

"Your cat will miss you :(!!!!" becomes "you and your cat seem close, right? I'm sure it's beautiful having a close friend like that!" and maybe include ways that they and their cat are close and meaningful to each other, tailored to that relationship.

That's only one example, but when you shift the focus away from why that person should repent and feel guilty for being suicidal, you can instead focus on why they would live for that reason. See how you can frame that as a positive? Whatever is keeping that person tethered should never be used as a bludgeon, I think, because then you're taking away why they're living, the positivity of why they are here. Whatever they are here for should be remembered often and honoured.

[mint-stone]

Aite, this is the ep that finally got me thinking that yeah Peri is a bit in over his head w/ his kid.

[fiendishartist2]

smth i think ppl get wrong when writing jon is that he has to be a bitch but he cant be cruel. if you take away his bitchyness its not jon anymore, he just becomes a fanon husk of himself. but if you make him too mean, then you're forgetting the awkward politeness and humanity of jonathan sims. remember: he may be a stubborn dickhead, but he let martin stay in the archives without having to be asked, even back in season 1

[millidew]

slay the princess + togachako. anything is possible <3

(hey. click for princess shigaraki)