#knowing you're better but feeling worse
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damn
#tlou 2#i know people be dying left and right but manny followed by yara was just brutal to me idk. both of them were just so quick#and jesse earlier. similar vibe. just like. one second that's a person and then the next they're not#yara going through that whole surgery and losing her arm and reuniting with her brother only to just get shot in an instant hit me#especially hard ripp siblings also fuck me up and i Love lev So Much#maybe it's cause i didn't play the first one but abby's side of the story compells me so much more than ellie's revengequest#(though i do love dina)#abby's arc is also incredible. just. oh my god.#the thing with owen and mel i could take or leave but the realization of her priorities. seeing where chasing guilt leads you.#knowing you're better but feeling worse#also she's beefy and i like
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hehe ghost-turbo haunting felix au
turbo is connected to the last piece of his code in the whole arcade - a trophy he gifted to felix in mid 80s as a symbol of him genuinely caring about their relationships on par with being the best racer. felix also gave him one of his medals and both kept their gifts next to other rewards, but when roadblasters and turbotime were unplugged, the medal was gone with everything else
now, after burning in cola-lava turbo is basically dead, but scraps of his code still were intertwined with the trophy (after all, it was his first winner's cup, but felix never knew about it), giving turbo an opportunity to exist as a shadow incapable of interacting with anything and anyone besides felix, who kept the trophy even after the roadblasters incident
also I went crazy in tags, feel free to check them out
#turbo#turbotastic#fix it felix jr#80s boyfriends#hammertastic#headcanon about them exchanging their trophies isn't mine but i loved it A LOT#and “darling” is turbo making fun of how felix was calling him in 80s#this hc about “doll” and “darling” pet names also is not mine but i adore it#turbo here is a complete freak who just stays around felix most of the time even when felix has moments with calhoun#and felix is an ass who keeps secrets from everyone bc he doesn't want his dirt to come out#he's ashamed of his previous relationship with turbo and doesn't want anyone to know any details#and calhoun to just know about it#this just gets worse and worse#they also didn't actually break up and were still technically dating when turbo went gamejumping#and he's mad af at felix because he's the reason ppl in the acrade made a boogeyman out of turbo and he couldn't come back#like imagine your bf says to you what you are better than others think of you#and then behind your (presumably dead) back tells everyone that you're just an egocentric maniac#i believe turbo has other reasons why he gamejumped (besides jealousy which took place but wasn't the most important reason)#and felix is an unreliable narrator#so yeah turbo HATES his ass#(but still would-) no im not making it suggestive#anyway i hc that turbo had put A LOT of emotions in this relationship even tho he's bad at this#he tried his best with felix but they were just making each other worse#and turbo while feeling betrayed never really moved on (yes even after 25 years he's PATHETIC)#and felix is just full of regret about everything but he won't admit his mistakes in his relationship with turbo#bc “well he turned out to be a bad person so that automatically makes me in the right about everything”#but felix had made a lot of bad decisions while dating turbo and was just classically ignorant about a ton of things#sorry about this random ass essay in tags i'm done for now#wreck it ralph#wir
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i don't think wonderland is ready for those alices
#i have so so many things i could say about this cielois madness returns au (yeah that's what i call it. it's not even meant to be cielois)#(but like. ship names are convenient aren't they)#anyway so many things. but that would be a lot so i'll talk about it if someone asks or if i feel like it later#this post's rambles will be about the outfits!!#so. i gave ciel the dollhouse dress and alois the queensland dress#i know they could have been swapped. and it might have made more sense#HOWEVER#i do not care#i can and will put alois in red just because i want to. and of course i would give him a red fit in an amr fusion au#the vibes are rancid. it's perfect. that's what him being in this au is about!!#terrible things happen to children in kuro and in alice ok#anyway. i know queensland would be good for ciel because r!ciel BUT please envision queen luka i BEG#it's heartwrenching to see lizzie look so small in the game already so luka???? soul crushing. i want it.#now. the dollhouse dress for ciel#because of funtom mostly... and the vibes... and he's more of a doll than alois is ngl...#like. i know that it fits alois more because it's heavy on the trafficking and poverty parts but. see if i care#plus the minor theme of exorcising the evil of the city through the pain of children is more ciel-coded. so yeah#and he looks so bad in red oh my god i could not give him another dress... unless it was the mad hatter one and it would have been boring#also very much not fitting#you might notice that i changed the symbols on both of their aprons#in both cases i replaced female with male obviously but#in ciel's case the dollhouse dress has so many disgusting implications and i made them worse you're welcome <3#(replaced female with male and male with one of the symbols you can see on the contract seal. yeah yeah that's fucked i know)#(it's alice madness returns. and fucking black butler. bad things be happening to children!!)#anyway#that's it for my rambles#i got too lazy to do the vorpal blade and hobby horse light trails#so we'll live with the fact that my sketch has better vibes than the final piece#kuroshitsuji#kuroshitsuji fanart
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Me: Everything i make is garbage i shouldn't even bother
The eiden in my head:
Me: Sorry eiden you're right my efforts have value
#any time i feel down about the act of creation#actually. any time i feel this way about... saying words in public too#when i'm typing up a comment anywhere on this site and the internal narration is constantly trying to stop me#with LOUD whispers of No one cares!! or even worse... people actively do not want to know ur thoughts!!! zip them fingerlips!!!!!!#during moments of struggle like this#i summon eiden like the powerful support assist he is#into my battle against myself#hey if he can fix kuya he can definitely fix me 😂#he is a stellar therapist for the clan. so strong. how does he do it#a new coping mechanism!! next time you feel down about your work#imagine you're one of eiden's clan members#exhibiting Mental Illness#and he just gives u that empathetic loving look. with some weird combo of words that makes u feel infinitely better#love u eiden u damaged sweetheart ty for the cbt#nu carnival eiden
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Smallville | 4.11 | "Unsafe"
#his little tear flowing down his face 🥺#I absolutely hate this moment#this is one of the very few moments where I actually find myself not on Martha's side#his parents are just being so ridiculous when everyone knows that Red K makes Clark lose all of his inhibitions#like y'all weren't mad that Clark robbed banks but you're mad that he got married#make it make sense#your child is crying in front of you and utterly breaking down and you decide to make him feel even worse? wow just wow#anyway Clark deserves so much better in this story arc#clark kent#smallville#gifs are mine#my post
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@ women who identified as trans/nb as teens but later came to realize that they were women: do you believe that there's anything that the adults in your life could have said to you to help you come to this realization earlier and make the process less stressful? or would your sensitivity to invalidation and rejection have made this an impossible task?
#basically i wanna know if there's any way that adults can help these kids. since intervention from adults almost always makes things worse#“making things worse” = encouraging rebellion by making trans kids feel like you're opposed to them#im asking bc im wondering if there's anything my mom could have done better when i was a trans teen#tags for reach ->#detrans#detransitioners#gender critical#radblr#terfblr#terfsafe#gender cult#actually detrans#desisted#desister#detransition#gc#gender criticism#gender dysphoria#trans cult#i'd never say things like “trans cult” or “gender cult” but i feel like these will reach my target audience...
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I just wanna say that if you're one of those Earthbound fans who think it's okay to hate people who like Undertale or Omori, I think you're genuinely one of the worst people to exist in fandom
#like I hope you know you're making the EB fandom a much worse place to be#you make fandom a shit experience#people shouldn't have to feel like garbage cyz you don't like the games they're a fan of#and you think the og is better#earthbound#mother 2#omori#omori game#undertale
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I know this is 100% my personal problem and idk if anyone can relate but as an afab person with some weird gender shit going on I kinda hate it whenever dnp make jokes like "you know us we don't like pussy/tits" etc like 😭 I love that they have fully healed from the comphet "fyi I like vagina" era but I hate being made to feel like a Woman™ because of my anatomy if that makes sense. Like my brain interprets it as "we don't like those traits because they make you a woman and we're gay" idk it gives me like a weird wave of dysphoria every time they say it 😭😭 the first time I watched BIG I interpreted Dan's monologue about "I don't care what kind of anatomy you've got going on, I don't feel attracted to the signs on bathroom doors" as being like trans inclusive but I fear he's walked it back with these constant jokes dsdfghjkl and to be clear I'm not saying anyone is obligated to find me or my body type attractive like that's not what this is about. It's just the equation of genitals/anatomy with gender idk. And this is not even really something that's specific to dnp and I know there's a lot of discourse about genital preferences or whatever idk idk maybe I should've just sent this to phannieconfessions and allowed everyone to take it in the worst possible faith over there. I just need to get it off my chest
#im still trying to figure out if i should book an appointment with a gender specialist#i do have a gender dysphoria diagnosis on my file#but one of the things that's held me back from wanting to try T or whatever for such a long time is this fear of not passing#or of like not fitting into anyone's ideal of gender#like if i were to go on T and start presenting more masc. would that even make me feel better#if i still had to constantly listen to people saying “yeah but you're still a woman tho bc you don't have a dick sorry :)”#i know they're just joking but people on here certainly seem to take those jokes very seriously idk and I'm starting to take it to heart#as well i guess#i need to get back in the fucking gym im so skinny rn and it's making me feel even worse#I've been having trouble eating lately and I've lost a few kg. my arms are so skinny i fucking hate it here#sorry I'm relistening to the stereos and dan made a “we don't like slits” joke + i got like 3 hours of sleep bc i woke up with a migraine#and I'm losing it a bit idk#turning reblogs off because i know this is the piss on the poor website and ppl will decide to interpret this as#“im gonna kms unless dan and phil tell me they wanna fuck me” dssdghhfdjkljhjll 😭😭😭
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I know this is a little asshole-ish, but I think insystem relationships are inherently more intimate than real life ones as a sysian system ourself.
The thing I'm feeling is that with sysmates, you KNOW the exact boundaries, expectations, and fulfillment needs your partner(s) need. I feel comfortable talking about practically anything with my spouse because we share a head, and because we create and talk about the same things; hours of THE MOST private things as a shared experience, it feels so much more intimate than any real life relationship has or could ever be.
I mean, ffs sake, we live each other's realities so often and simultaneously adore each other. It's so... so pleasant.
!
#confessions#anonymous#positive#actually plural#plural system#plurality#pluralgang#plurillean#sysian#endo safe#pro endo#mod lepton#we feel like this too a lot of the time!!#especially when you end up experiencing and going through many of the same things and/or supporting each other through it#and knowing that you're stuck with this person (for better or worse)
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my hot take as a person with an english degree and a library degree is that some of the dorkiest fiction and poetry ever committed to paper in the english language came out of the iowa writer's workshop so it is at best goofy and at worst completely futile to argue that your average amazon unlimited writer is having a more deleterious effect on literacy and literature.
#like i know these guys and they are NOT better than booktokers bc they have an mfa in fiction or poetry#in fact. (further hot take) i'd argue many of them are orders of magnitude worse bc they take themselves and their ✨ craft ✨ so seriously#that their work is completely devoid of any authentic human emotion and is merely detached irony trying to mask as social commentary#but the booktok girlies know what they're doing. they're aware! and they're having a great time doing it! they're having fun!#and i have read unfortunately MANY works by mfas that are just like. where is the joy in this? the fear? the sorrow? the honesty???#like yeah booktok is not my thing and it can be pretty silly but most of them aware of the genre they're in and they're having a blast#i've read poetry and fiction by mfas that are grasping so hard to make a Point that they just completely lack genuine and honest emotion#and you can tell the writer just like. did not feel anything urgent or vital about the work they were creating#anyway. follow for more hot takes on the literary establishment#books books books#saying all that i know there is a whole ecosystem of amazon unlimited and booktok writers who are in it strictly for the money#and maybe feel nothing about what they're writing. but they ARE aware of the genre they're in#and to really make it work in amazon unlimited you DO have to have your finger on the pulse of craft wrt genre fiction#whereas i one time in college hateread all of a quote unquote literary writer's works and it was just like#oh you have NO idea that you're just writing complete nonsense#you think you're making a point and have social commentary and every single book is just. incredibly silly#and you would have had a much better and more interesting time if you allowed yourself to write romance novels instead!!
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I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn
#I think I'm getting about the same amount of spoilers as a few weeks ago except now I understand them#But like. I expected so much of him#Seeing gifs of that one scene in which Gojo gets distracted because of Geto almost made me watch this a year ago#Geto was actually my favourite character in that one JJK fanfic I read that I mention so often even if he had literally one scene#I know so much of the emotional turmoil and conflict in JJK and Gojo in particular depends on him#And you're telling me he's Thanos?#I learnt a few days ago that everything pretty much happens in one year. That there's one year between Geto's death and Gojo's#I thought it would be like ten years. Ten years of the act haunting him#But no? So it's not a broken teenager who has these ideas and is killed by another teenager to stop him?#It's a what? ~30yo man saying Light levels of stupidity? Even worse perhaps?#Goodness I hope this is not so. I hope this is better written than what I am seeing#Because goddammit I can't do it. It would kinda ruin every emotional scene from then on?#That one scene I was so looking forwards about patting Gojo's back or whatever. The one in which Gojo gets distracted. It just. I don't know#I won't be able to be moved if Geto doesn't work xD#I was fearing I wasn't going to like him a lot because my expectations were big but oh my god please not like this#This is way worse than I expected. Someone tell me he actually makes sense. What's the point of this whole political play#in which no one is fully wrong and no one is totally right otherwise? What is the point of the haunting. This feels just idiotic xD#And I don't care about the traumas and all that. That works for the teen not the ~30yo man#It would have worked if Gojo would have killed him like 1-2 years after everything not like a few months ago. Last winter#After like ten years a 30yo man should have realised this plan sucks.#Even if it's utilitarian. Who is going to make clothes? Buildings? Streets and railways? Bread??? Go have a talk with Nanami please#We have been told there are not a lot of jujutsu sorcerers. How are you going to fulfill all those needs out of nothing?#And even if it were little by little so the needs could be getting fulfilled little by little too#If you decimate humans won't that cause more curses? I guess he's thinking on the long run but still this plan seems like a mess#I hope it makes more sense than it's looking it will make because of my god this would truly be the last nail on the coffin xD#I am being more and more tempted to get to Utahime and then just drop this. This is breaking my heart xD#It could be soooo good and it always almost is#And then. AND THEN. Abfksbfndbfkan#Jen pick me up. Come solve this. I am scared xD#I talk too much
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yelling a little
#this is my first time dealing with grief as an adult and not a very young child and. to me it feels worse a few months after the fact#than it did on the day or the same week. because after the practical matters have been attended to + after a complete stranger moves in to#the house that was once your home + after most people stop asking how you are + after you start trying to get on with things#you're just. left with it. left with the numbness and the rawness and the apathy and the loneliness and the longing you can't put anywhere#and you want to remember the good days. not the last days. but you can't think of the good days without knowing they lead to the last#does EVERYONE feel like it's never going to get better? does EVERYONE feel like it'd be downright wrong for it to get better?#i'll delete this later i just wanted to get it out!!!
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Part of me, deep deep down, wonders if we still may have a scene of MK on his knees versus his friends a la 4x07
#like maybe we WON'T. and that's totally fine#I did get ''You were locked in a corner- told to get on your knees and accept your fate! And you didn't!#You came back and chose to stand to meet your end! Together.'' Like at the very least *kisses kneeling/standing motif*#And it's like ''your friends will turn on you- seeing you for the monster you will become!'' like where did that fear come from. Wukong#Wukong & Macaque#And what are we MAYBE getting answers to next season. Wukong V Macaque#I just. *gestures* the chaos shit is so weird. the staff corruption is so weird#''When the chaos makes them who they are'' SO WEIRD#So like. Rn I feel like MK finally gets hey. You really don't have to do it alone! And it's okay it all leads to pain! Good job bestie#Like the option is it all leads to pain or there's nothing. Cool cool#But I do feel like. He needs to be okay with his role specifically? You know? Like the ''it's always my fault!'' aspect of it#''It definitely shouldn't be left up to me'' like. Well. It kinda was#This was YOUR choice#Idk man like. This is just gonna have consequences#like ''I saw my children couldn't survive the chaos'' We have lost the safety net of the cycle#We have lost the 10 kings. We've lost heaven (ish).#MK you quite literally chose your sentimentality for mortal pleasures over a lot. Over guaranteed survival#God part of me is like. U were so willing to kill yourself so you could finally make up for being you I know it#I fucking know it MK#Ur so rayla core#my god#U were like "I can finally make the world better than I found it by fucking killing myself'' like dude. dude no#this is such a weird amalgamation of getting better/worse MK like I love you#character of all time#And earlier in the season being like ''You're a beast. A monster'' and then calling nine a monster like. MK. whatever#was part of LBD's plan literally destroying chaos with the fire (''And everything beyond even that!'') like idk I'm losing it#lmk#lego monkie kid#lmk rant#lmk spoilers
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omgg lol [guy who won't stop going "more like scapeGOATED" voice] now hold! on!! lmao [same guy just saw encanto voice] Hold on!!!
#& [it might be 5am but i'll still see if i can draw some] trackpad homemade reacts. inhales & hands to head/face x9 then walking off#site giving pretty random Suggested assortment there where i was like oh right sure. prob not tumblr keywords captures lmaooo#(plus happened to have it open in firefox) but my god Not the scapegoated literal seers lmfao. whoooo. my god#also it was just really good anyways like right nice. damn#the (queerrr) seerrr the perceiverrr the truth tellerrr the ruinerrr the scapegoat be-errr the internalizerrr the neurodivergerrr#& now i Know there is 0% chance ppl weren't putting ''always a gay cousin or it's you (avuncular edition)'' in that thing#family tree design not even leaving space for the hypothetical kids of this relative we mostly pretend is nonexistent hmm#also that necessarily. it's giving all intents & purposes Disability abt a dozen ways & it's saying [accept that] vs [we'd better fix him]#you don't cite said [it's giving disability] as part of the We All Hate The Horrible Little Freak scapegoating justification & then be like#''actually we don't have to do that anymore b/c he's sooo normal :)'' or not if you're serious about [don't scapegoat your family] anyways#which like oh ok they Are serious so The Weirdo's scapegoating / casting out / lack of support Isn't justified#so he's still weird & you just gotta get over that b/c otherwise. bye. having a natural rat affinity is such a slay btw#& we've all been there like ''you NEVER want two scapegoats talking it's Over if they do'' + littlest kid is like um. they're the best#plankton voice Correct! inhale i'm so impressed like. getting to go ''finally someone Normal'' (serious abt letting someone Be Weird(tm))#which also always counts as like mm hard time suggesting someone's Not queer & also autistic for a start lmao. an award#adding in suggested layers like talking to oneself; talking Oddly / w difficulty; physical uncoordination; rituals ; acting; animal friend#the layer of ''& all that's fine? like?'' again rather than him ever suppressing or even changing it so far as it's suggested#besides that it's observed as Weird like but so? or else what? nonrhetorical: hostility / rescinded support & driving someone off is what?#& that Truth like the [worse treatment / exclusion / scapegoat] oft recipe for someone giving the support they're not getting themself#again Never let the [ppl both experiencing this] talk oh it's So over. or the child who's all i like family support & kindness actuallyy...#obviously also like the complete opposite of billions. knowing what they're about & letting this Just As Beloved crucial guy be So Weird#but billions Also [hmm feels right for our scapegoated guy to Perceive / Tell Truths / openly want/need & then be hurt] now get his ass#anyway [guy who could always go way on could go way on but only has thirty tags & it's 6am & i still mean to try some drawing] voice#remarkable amt of So True & ''it feels like ppl on the same page w/exactly what they're doing are all behind this''#remarkable amount of concentrated My God That Is So A Slay located in bruno all at once. what a gift#sticking to ''sometimes someone In Your Group is Weird. Disabled. deal'' firmly enough there's no ;) oh u can bet we'll Fix Him in the end#everyone always assumes the worst so....me when i'm [always as a kid yearning for Living In Secret Passages]. emile gtmpota?#oh congrats to whatever rando who will be having his dramatic gay reunion w/bruno just out of frame obviously. i perceive#now imagine if That rando was....emile gtmpota! what a crossover event. haunting4haunting. do i have enough tags for this lmao. yea#& having 1 more tag to say: as though the [endless serving] isn't enough bruno's also as close to gender envy as it gets. incl rats; sure
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.
#incredibly difficult to express and also like. next to impossible to find the sort of support i think i actually need#which is for people to just *accept* me when im struggling instead of trying to help or pushing me to behave differently#i need somebody who can challenge me and encourage me and push me sometimes#but at the same time aomebody who i could count on to just love and accept me even if i never get better#i feel like it's such a weird and impossible ask#like please don't let me slide but also i need to know that if i am worst self that i would still be unconditionally loved and supported#i am not convinced this is a thing that's even possible#like i don't want an enabler but i also have demand avoidance like crazy and anything other than acceptance feels like a demand#and an implicit ''you're not enough''#and how i feel about it is all so dependent on mood which is changeable as hell#i read somewhere that this is kind of what heing a Freeze response person does to you. you just shut down and lock up#when people are trying to bring you out of it. like it just makes it worse. the only thing that thaws you out is unconditional acceptance#and fucking. that's the most counterintuitive ''you shouldn't do that bc it's enabling'' things ever
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computer search how to make being disappointed in yourself productive
#bluebird.txt#sigh#i should've i should've i should've#and should i (ha) blame myself? is it my fault? at least a few things are definitely my fault.#it wasn't out of laziness or malice i simply didn't think about some things#or i wasn't strong or confident enough to push for things#and i also simply didn't know. i didn't know how could i have known?#will i kill myself (metaphorically and mentally) over this?#well i shouldn't !#but what do i do?#go forward right? but i have regrets#they could be worse#in the long term this is something i can 'fix' or get better at and thankfully its not an interpersonal problem#or not really#in the future i will be more assertive and confident even if i feel less knowledgeable#and every time i have a question i can't find the answer to on my own (or am not satisfied with my own or the internet's answer) i will Ask#i won't be scared to ask anymore#it's scarier to be unprepared bc i didn't ask than to be scared someone will think you're dumb#not knowing something is not a lack of intelligence it's a lack of knowledge#and whatever it is. JUST FUCKING ASK!#and when you're in a group is your fault ever solely your own?#surely if you're an asshole yes but#how much should i blame just myself? how much is it offensive to others to blame myself alone?
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