#knowing myself i shouldve done this YEARS AGO

[kabukiaku]

Hex and Terzo outfit swap ✨🖤

[nerdie-faerie]

Why is it when I have a big task to complete that should take days to do, I procrastinate the hell out of it when I have plenty of time but when it comes down to the absolute last minute, I can do a couple of days work in a couple of hours? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why couldn't I do it casually over a couple of days but can do it in matter of hours?

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

would i be the asshole for contacting my ex to ask them if they could stop talking about me online to a community that knows who i am? (🥐)

tw: kinda emotionally abusive relationship

bg info

me (24f) and my ex (28) were in a three month relationship three years ago following a whole year of friendship. they were my first partner and i came out as a lesbian to everyone during our relationship. when we were together, they were 24 and i was 20. i was very emotionally dependent on them when i was 20 due to mental health issues and so were they which is probably one of the reasons why our relationship was as explosive as it was. i looked up to them, my whole emotional world revolved around them, and our friendship/relationship was the only thing i had in my life at the time. they constantly asked me "hey is it even ethical that im dating you, im 4 years older, you tell me please, oh i feel like such a bad person", yet, they still continued dating me every time they would ask.

our fights were horrible and truly explosive as they broke their stuff in front of me out of anger, threw things at me and insulted me as stupid, amongst many other things. our fights usually ensued because i would ask them for reassurance and they would start panicking and screaming at me to shut up. to be fair, i would cry every time i was asking for reassurance which probably made them feel scared about losing me, so i consider myself 50% at fault for everything that happened in our relationship, i shouldve been able to talk to them in a secure manner that wouldnt trigger their abandonment issues. our fights were quite jarring and made me walk out on them several times out of fear. yet i always came back and apologized and took the whole accountability, even though i dont consider myself the only one at fault. walking out several times during fights was probably one of the worst things i could have done but at the same time i was simply scared. even when i walked out after our last fight, they begged me to come back, which i did, i apologized under tears, and yet, told them that i cant promise them to stay no matter what.. and left.

we met through tumblr and were in a medium distance relationship. after our relationship, i went to a clinic and had to learn a lot about myself, what i experienced and what i want from life. im in a very happy and healthy place now and since the end of 2021 im with my current partner whom i want to be the love of my life and whom ive started to build a life with.

context

i have my ex blocked on all social media because they used to do hour long deep dives into my blog, even as of recently (i have statcounter installed for my safety bc im paranoid about them sending me anonymous asks). at first i also used to visit their blog after our break up but stopped doing so after moving on with my life. one year after breaking up i temporarily unblocked them and explicitly asked them not to look at my social media (or at least to do it in a way in which i dont notice aka asked them not to watch my instagram stories).

while i dont visit their blog/social media because i dont want to know whats going on in their life, tumblr mutuals frequently dm me stuff like "hey i think you should know that your ex posted about you/shit talks about something that you posted". i havent asked my mutuals to tell me whenever this happens but i imagine they do so because within the tumblr space we exist, everyone kind of knows everyone (so my ex doesnt have to mention my name for people to know who theyre talking about). sometimes mutuals send screenshots of the posts so that i dont have to visit my ex's blog. last ive heard my ex joked about throwing jewelry at me and posted extensively about a tattoo that i got. my ex's behavior makes me uncomfortable and feel just as helpless as i did back then.

why i might be the asshole

im scared that they might be venting because i was more at fault in the relationship than them and that i am unconsciously deflecting. however, i talked about every detail of the relationship and this fear extensively with my therapist, friends, and partner who are of the opinion that i was young, scared, and intertwined in a relationship that was incredibly toxic. im still unsure though because my emotions frequently triggered theirs.

why they might be the asshole

i asked them once to stop visiting my social media and i feel like venting about our relationship that broke off 3 years ago to a tumblr community of friends and acquaintances is kind of unfair. however, i might be the asshole and they might just need the space for venting. i could just ignore the vents and let them heal in their own way from what ensued.

WIBTA if i confronted them again and told them that i want them to stop talking about me online? or would i be a party pooper because every person needs a space for venting?

What are these acronyms?

[zundamind]

wow, would you look at that! it's been a full ass year since you fucked me over! september 29th.... yeahh..... XD our fuck-you-versary! hi clifford!

in case you dont remember, the name piko might jog your mind. yeah thats me!! hellwo!! honestly you shouldve known better than to stick with your old username but hey props on you for changing it last minute! almost didnt find you for a second lolll!!

i wanted to drop in and say HEY! HELLO! HI! and give you some status updates :3

update one: i'm getting better!! no thanks to you, of course. and actually i should say we're getting better. yep! thats what happens when you suffer so bad your brain cant take suffering solo! XD

update two: while my mental health has been at an all time low ever since you fucking dropped me like a fucking ROCK, ive been getting over things lately! my clean streaks are now longer than a week! i no longer want to kms! im even making friends again!

update three: while both of the above statements are true, you still live in my mind rent free. i remember when i first stumbled across your blog a few months ago, i had a full on spiral! not anymore, though. i am STEEL, BABY! also you spinning in the mental microwave rent free is why i'm sending you this heartfelt ask!

man.... even when i try, i still find you somehow and its never intentional. like imagine scrolling the tptm tag only to be straight up jumpscared by your ex best friend's username! how embarrassing!

also i'm sorry but i have to say the reason(s) you left are sooo fucking stupid..... what, cus i was weird? come on. everyones a little weird. even a little deviantart weird. oh and because of some stupid opinions that shouldntve even mattered if you were actually a friend? get real, trey. what if i left your ass because you had a fuckin biting kink? that wouldve been funny actually. like making a sad callout post on twitter thats just "my friend left me because i wasnt vanilla enough!" XDDD

oh, and if you ever see your "stalker" again, assuming you're not thinking its me and that its actually your previous qpr or whatever the fuck, say hi! i find it funny as FUCK, since, you know, you were considering cyberstalking me at one point. and tell chaos i said hi too. i'd also mention mayu, but do you two even keep in touch anymore? probably not, considering the weird things she's done.

anyways thats the end of my relay. if you dont want these kinds of asks again, i suggest either turning asks off or just straight up deleting your tumblr and/or making another one that is NOT connected to any username youve used in the past, because in that case i'll just find your ass again lmaooo. remember! every year on this day will be the day i remind you that you are NOT allowed to stay sane X3

sincerely, your most hated, piko. (i hardly use my old blog anymore, so have fun finding my current blog! and do what you want with this ask, make a callout post, scream into the ethers, reply to it, idc.)

this should stay private but idc

i know what i did was wrong piko! i was 12-13.

dont take this as me excusing myself. i had horrible emotional regulation back then, ive healed from everything back there. you dont deserve to be called out because ur like. 14-15.

do not bring mayu or chaos into this,weve all healed and forgot abt you.

i overreacted bc of very worthless things because i was basically obsessed witj you, you were my fp, if you didnt know.

completely forgot you even existed, i havent been checking your profiles at all in months. you shouldnt either, please forget about me. you'll drive yourself crazy.,

if you think im going to "cancel" you, no im not. for your sake, please dont interact with me anymore. i apologize for how i acted over stupid things, but we were both young and idiotic. im also a system, i dont even remember half of the things you did bc of that.

move on. ive moved on, weve all moved on.

dont bother yourself with me, you dont need to.

[cosmicdream222]

sorry to be morbid again but do you think we can manifest passing away early? im honestly past the point of wanting to exist and just want to get over this thing that im supposed to be a successful person but im not so idrc if i do or dont live

so many ppl on tarot related blogs ask about their fs but if we dont meet them does it matter and would they just move on with their life? like i think u have to have ur life put together but its genuinely so hard to do these days so i hope my fs wont be sad at all when i die cause i wouldnt be able to make tnem truly happy anyway cause im not happy myself with how things have been

ideally i wouldve done something in a sport or music but that ship sailed long ago and now im so stuck but id hate to be reliant on someone else and i shouldve moved out into my own place but housing is ridiculously expensive where im from and taxes dont help anyone. it takes years and years to pick up a talent so i have wasted those years and ik im just going to struggle to get past 50 if i were to have my own place bc minimum wage jobs suck arse and i dont want to be doinng something lame not that its lame for others to do it, its just not what i wanted to have done at all

you cant even get a degree without needing to fork out hundreds and thousands so yeah none of its easy and sure you can try subliminals but lets face it the systemn we are in is fucked up big time so rn i cant even bother with daydream about how it could have been or the what ifs i had done smth differently or if i had any talent but then theres still the, im too old and too foreign to do any sort of music as most successful groups nowadays are korean and even if i tried to do what they did it would probs end up killing me some way or other

its just either about having to be wealthy or having some type of talent both of which id fail at anyway as i shouldve done it years ago like a normal person who goes from being so so at something to being great at something.

i truly think i was born in wrong generation or i just shouldnt have been born at all then i wouldnt have to fret constantly abt these types of things. i think if the government genuinely sorted shit out for once and helped society ppl would be happier to work for less but im not happy at all with the current state of things. i feel guilty for existing and i hate it sm like god just let me end my life pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee there is nothing worthwhile in store, ik we could try shifting subliminals but have those genuinely worked? like u exit this reality and straight into the one you wanted originally? but then i might as well just pass away cause id have to know what i want in another reality

My dude, take a deep breath. You’ve ranted about all this same exact stuff a bunch of times now and I’m just gonna repeat the same thing I said to you last time:

All of that stuff you mentioned about your current reality is an illusion. Time is an illusion. It does not matter what you’ve done in the past. The economy does not matter. Your present circumstances do not matter.

I’ll add to that: Whatever some tarot reader or TikTok psychic says definitely does not matter. Idk what fs means but I’m guessing something like a twin flame and that is especially 1000% bullshit.

The spiritual community has created an incredible amount of false narratives to make excuses and blame outside forces for why things aren’t going their way. None of it is real. Seriously forget everything you learned about fate, karma, astrology, or anything else that’s saying something else is in control. Reality is an illusion. YOU are in control.

You don’t have to identify with any old bullshit anymore. Stop repeating the old story and think about what you do want. You can have literally ANYTHING! You say you don’t know what you want, ok, but you know what you don’t want, right?

I don’t want to work -> I want to live in a reality where I don’t have to work.

There, you just figured out something you want! It’s that simple.

I totally agree that this society is a horrific shitshow and I don’t want to be aware of it anymore either. But it’s just one version of reality available. It’s not the only reality and it’s not the original reality. You don’t have to be aware of it anymore if you don’t want to be.

You also don’t have to involve death at all. There’s a lot of misconception in the shifting world which has lead to concepts like “permashifting” and “respawning”, but those just all assume this current reality is the original one. It’s not.

Have you watched The Matrix? It’s really more like a documentary than science fiction lol. Just like in the movie, we are being tricked by a simulated virtual reality, controlled by a society that’s using us for our energy. Just think of reality as an escape room. We’re escaping the Matrix. Once you figure out how to leave, you don’t ever have to go back. There are infinite realities available to you, and none are more real or right or original than any others. Remember, death is not an ultimate, nor does it exist in all realities.

I am scripting a utopian reality with my best friend where there is no death, aging, or illness. Everyone is a master manifestor so they always get whatever they want. Nobody has to work and there isn’t even a need for money because we can manifest anything instantly. We can just relax and get massages all day. Everyone lives in peace and harmony and abundance. Animals are treated as equals to humans, we can all communicate with each other, and we can all fly and teleport. Because why the f not? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

And if you really don’t want to exist (I’m guessing that other ask from a couple weeks ago is you too lol) you don’t have to exist in this reality, or any other. Removing your awareness from all physical reality is known as entering the void. You exist there as pure consciousness, and you can stay there as long as you like. It is you as your highest self. There’s nothing negative about it.

As for the whole subliminal thing, shifting subliminals are just one method. Shifting = manifesting = deciding what you want and experiencing it. It’s something we are always doing and is available to all of us. You don’t need any methods to shift besides intention. We just use methods to convince/calm the annoying human brain that is programmed with society’s limits.

[loveableabomination]

Omg ok non-rottmnt storytime cuz I'm overwhelmed by happiness, I'm sorry.

So. About 5 years ago I was nonbinary for a while. Like an entire year. I was binding, i cut my hair to pass as more masculine, everything. It made me feel like the first time Stevonnie is made/brought out: totally giddy and frolicking, giggling to themselves and just finally enjoying life.

Well i went to work bound, acted like i wasn't femme anymore, and i could tell i was confusing tf outta people (which shouldve been enough, looking back on it)... until they heard my voice. Once I spoke I watched them visibly relax as they "realized" I was a "girl." My voice is naturally high but especially when I'm being nice or just generally when I'm happy.

After getting misgendered no matter what I did for a year, I gave up.

Well flash forward to this past week or so, I've been binding again and LOVING IT, but didn't change my pronouns. TONIGHT one of my friends actually asked what my pronouns were and I was honestly stumped. I went back and forth before answering "well idk because if I went by 'they/them' I know it'd be really confusing for everyone else, especially since I'm established here as a female already" to which she replied "f***everyone else, what would YOU want to be called, what would make YOU happy." I smiled and without hesitation said "well they/them then."

I had stunned myself with this answer and kinda looked away, trying to figure out what had just happened.

I'd known the answer the whole time, I was never meant to be female, I've been nonbinary/agender this whole time. Even my subconscious knew I'm not female. For a bit recently I was going by "azurgirl" but honestly agender fits better. Azurgirl has the implication that for the most part I'm still feminine, when the opposite is true.

Point is I cried at work because my friend is awesome and accepted me, which is my first form of acceptance outside familial connections. My younger sister has been there for me through this whole journey, too, and I want to thank her because seriously. Couldn't have done it without you 💗 I didn't even start exploring all this until we talked that one day (you know the one...if not I'll tell you). I literally would not have found myself if not for you. I'll always be grateful.

*I might take this down later but for now I'm loud and proud 😁*

[too-sxft-for-all-of-it]

the only person i have to talk about this to is my girlfriend, and i just need to get this written out and feel like im talking to people. please not that this is a vent and you are by all means not obligated to read it!!! this is a very triggering matter so read with caution!!!

trigger warnings: massive vent including sui-ideation, attempts, mental breakdown, pessimistic views, self deprecation, lots of cussing, mentions of my chronic illnesses, overall this is not good

i dont even know where to begin with this. ive had a lot of bad days in my life, but today i can say with full confidence was the absolute worst day of my life. i spent an entire day convinced i was dying being sick and this still tops it as the worst.

as ive said before, ive working hard on finishing high school. i did two years in person before i got POTS from long covid in 2022 and was forced to do online due to the school not cooperating. it sucked, im still not over it, but im working. ive gone through so much since then, lots of sickness and mental crisis where i struggled doing my schoolwork. i fell behind and i know i did, i will never forgive myself for that

i was originally supposed to graduate in may. then july. then october 20th. then october 27th. thats this sunday.

after working my ass off through the shit i went through this summer, the extreme trauma i got from losing all of my friends, i had done it. on the 14th, i got 100 on my last final and submitted my application for graduation. i finished my online courses with a 4.0 gpa. my girlfriend and family were all so proud of me. i was too.

then soon after i learned that my failed past would come back to haunt me. while i had long covid in 2022, my chemistry teacher refused to help me. she said, and i quote, "im not going to be your private tutor" (side note: i caught her privately tutoring one of her ap kids in the library while waiting for band practice, but thats beside the point)

because of her, i failed, and had to do credit recovery. i did it but my grade could only go up to a 70. once i learned that my new school combines my old grades on my final transcript and that would determine my gpa, i knew i was fucked. i cried and wanted to give up but i just knew i was graduating and it would be fine. turns out i didnt worry about the right thing

cut to this morning. we were supposed to leave tomorrow, i had been ready to start packing. i was coming upstairs to eat my breakfast when i checked my phone. i saw my account had been reinstated and my application for graduation was gone. now, i assumed my credits would be counted as my new school counted them. but apparently they didnt and they caught me where i missed in feburary of 2023 when i joined.

today, around 12:30, when i was about to eat and get ready to pack i let out the most heartwrenching scream. i sobbed and ran downstairs and told my parents. my dad started to look into it while i ran back upstairs and fell apart

apparently, the credits that shouldve been counted as a full were only counted as half. so now im missing 0.5 credits in two subjects, which is one overall- however those are both separate requirements, so if i cant get this fixed im going to have to do two entire full classes in order to finish on time to go to college in jan

maybe if this would've happened a few days ago it wouldve been better. but it was less than 12 hours before i would be asleep early to go on the trip in the morning. they waited until the last minute to tell me that "oh by the way you cant come this weekend lmao"

i fell apart. my dad looked into it while i sobbed and screamed and broke down. i was talking to my girlfriend texting her telling her i wanted to die and this was the final straw. i get suicidal episodes a lot, but this was the worst.

a lot of it blends together and i dont want to go through the texts to relive it. but it was hell. i was falling apart for hours while waiting for an answer. my dad called the school and we had to wait hours for a call back about what the fuck had happened

the credits, no matter how absolutely fucked up it is, was explained. but the worst part? my dad asked if i could at least walk this weekend. pretend to graduate so i can have my ceremony. you know what they said?

they said no. and that was it for me.

ive had EVERYTHING taken from me in my life. i lost my high school experience because of my body, ive lost every friend ive had and so fucking much, and now i lost this too. i dont get to graduate high school. the one singular fucking thing i had the chance to have is gone.

i broke down in the bathroom. i attempted to kill myself. i was googling and trying to find ways to make it not hurt while talking to my girlfriend. i found a belt and. almost did it but i was scared. and i hate myself for being scared because i truly believe(d) i deserve to die

i am worthless and stupid for thinking i could have one thing in my life. im an idiot for thinking this coudlve worked out and i couldve been happy. i have never felt such utter despair and humiliation as i felt today. i wanted to break my cap i worked so hard on, burn my gown and cords, destroy everything because nothing i do is ever good enough

i work my ass off and no one fucking cares. its never enough. all of the pain ive suffered and fought through was for nothing. i worked my fucking ass off to finish on time and for what? nothing. absolutely nothing. my girlfriend was so proud and now i know shes ashamed. so are my parents and everyone around me

this is going to be the hardest weekend of my life, and i can make no promises i will survive it. im trying to push through for my love, but its hard, its so fucking hard. we called after i was safely back in bed and talked for over and hour and a half. we cried and talked and just were together. it was hard. i dont know whats going to happen but im scared

this was last minute and everyone is upset. my little sister was so excited to go, and i heard her sobbing when she got home from school. my dad seems exhausted. my grandparents probably cant get the money back from their flight. we were supposed to be leaving tomorrow and now its all just gone. we were going to go to the zoo and now thats gone too. we had gotten everything for the trip and now its just. gone

im trying to gather my credits and figure it out. all i know is i will not be graduating class of 2024, if at all. i skipped sixth grade and now it doesnt even show. the next ceremony isnt until next may, so even if i did finish this year i wouldnt be where i should be. it truly is over

ive never felt more ashamed and humiliated than i do today. i dont think ill ever recover from this.

they say it gets better but when? how? when will it finally end and i will finally have something go my way for once. its all i want. all i want is a chance to be happy but i never have it.

please ive been on my knees change the prophecy

let it once be me who do i have to speak to about if they can redo the prophecy

but i looked to the sky and said please

[kpoptarotastrology009]

thank you so much its very kind for you to let me ramble but idfk it just feels like i wasted this life but it was never going to be truly great in any situation it seems ie: pandemic, wars and so on. somedays i just wish i hadnt existed at all wouldve made it easier then other days i think i shouldve just went for something but tnen im like there really wasnt the opportunity there no matter what i think of. idfk maybe the gov govs will finally actually fix shit from now on for the rest of the world cause its like trying to look in a pile of horseshit for what i would like to do rn it all seems bleak or pointless cause theres not much liveliness anymore maybe just sheer stupidity, its more so what i wouldve liked to have done back in the good ole times when things wouldve been a bit less harsh on its ppl. again a time machine would be much more useful or just a grave that i could bury myself in one and pretend i never existed. i feel like a boomer stuck in a millenial body out of place and wondering where the time has gone and why i have wasted so much of it. i do think i wouldve suited any other non internet era bc i keep comparing myself to others and what theyve all done with themselves. tbh im also constantly torn between hating capitalism and all that it stands for is a load of junk that i do not want to care for and just thinking i shouldve had a short but fancy life lol.

I may sound creepy or something but I was going through the exact same situation a month ago and I guess it's still within me but a month ago I couldn't hide it and ignore it but now I'm better with ignoring it you wanna know how ? I had a problem with my age too and I have a dream that I wanna achieve and it's hard to do it now but I didn't give up I really wished I could go back in time to do what I can do but I couldn't and this is the reality but you know what ? I didn't give up and literally working all over again even if it's impossible I stand up for myself and I said no matter what's going to happen I will do it , I will fight for the things that I want until the last moment , I know some people will say some bad things about me but i don't care I will do it no matter what , that's why I cleared my mind first , then I start thinking and searching in media and everywhere of things that can help me even a little bit , ( that was really hard as I'm a really lazy person but I should've do it or now that I consider too late will be the too late for the next years if I don't move asap) and then start doing everything step by step but with putting the work on it ...

And what I want you to see from my experience is that's what you should do , don't give up on yourself please and if you wanna talk about it in private or messages or sending asks I will answer everytime because I feel you , because I've been through that and I'm still dealing with it and I've been even through a hard depression for my reasons and that killed me but I stand up for myself because staying in the middle won't help me with anything and I will just stay my whole life regretting that , and you should do the same thing for your own rights and always remember that there's people that cares for you and loves you and that you're not alone ♥️♥️♥️♥️

[plchrtdx]

On reflection - but for once, not about about a boy. About love, yes still, but of a different kind

On Creature Comfort MV. On the fact that i have been lost; lost for a while and not even knowing it. It is like, when i first made the decision to start this journey, the hedge maze seemed like such a wonderful novelty, one that i had to advertise i was in, through pictures, posts, prints on my jumper. It was mostly fun and games and laughter for a conclusion i wasnt quite clear on.

The more time passed, the more i traversed on, the deeper i went and the more committed I had to be. To my credit, I was still bright eyed and bushy tailed. i loved it. but somewhere along the way, darkness crept closer to surround me, then to engulf me.

The sad reality is that I didnt see it coming. I dont know when this change happened and when cynicism set in. Perhaps i had my priorities all wrong from the start. Perhaps i shouldve done more research. Perhaps it was just the path i took that moulded me to who i was, somewhere midway through the maze. Maybe it was always destined to feel like this, maybe fate twisted something along the way.

I never knew any other path. I wish i knew what i do now, 13 years ago. I am not sure what i wouldve done, maybe exactly the same thing because i'll find it quite hard to believe that it'll be THAT bad. Maybe i shouldve done more research, had more experience... but at that stage, going through life really meant winging it and doing whatever i want without thinking heavily about the consequences.

And now: I am lost

I have been trying so desperately (probably for the past 3 years now) to really find myself and find satisfaction and find JOY in what im doing; how im living. I want this to be my big break.

My mind is zipping, fizzy, giddy, blurry. I want... i need this to work so that i can finally find a balance and work towards being happy. It seems that i cannot be happy with the things that i have, but rather, always unhappy with the things that i dont.. its a bad way to live.

___

life is not a board game where your character hops 1 space at a time towards the finish line - well, it shouldnt be anyways. Rather, I am standing still, enjoying the now, and abundance is heading towards me. I embrace everything that comes my way because it is so destined to. success, happiness, wealth, satisfaction, love, meaning, life.

its taken me 30 years but i know i deserve it all.

[m33pl0v3]

I know its suppose to be an annual thing to meet up

But god sake i did not anticipate yall to bring a plus one, isnt it suppose to be just the three of us? What happen?

You shouldve caught on by now i didnt really want to meet up if yall had a plus one its kinda unfair for well..me

Everything feels like what happen 5 years ago.. i clear didnt miss it at all

Im quite sick, i got a cold i keep coughing off a phlegm and my head hurts constantly the past few days, 2nd i havent done any productive work since i excuse myself from school, 3rd the uniforms..they havent even been wash yet

As much as i think i got my shit together i keep going back to the time 5 years ago my lowest point of my life

My simple advice really if you tell someone something about them and they get annoyed frustrated even when you told them that, probably because they already know, theyre PAINFULLY aware you dont have to keep reminding them..its an insecurity theyre already working on it so just...stfu please

Keep it to yourself.

My mind is all over the place right now..all ive been doing is avoiding the things i needed to do for a sense of pleasure even for a little

Frankly i dont feel good

Physically wise and mental wise

I dont wanna go tomorrow i dont wanna see your partners

I dont want any of you in the house..you should just leave

I frankly dont care if your frail body gives up and dies im just worried about the debt we will get into nce you actually die

Im overthinking about our friendship lately but its mainly me and my low self esteem talking

Youre nuisance to me

I feel like a slob

As much as the thought of death sounds inviting i would never forgive myself for dying over something like this, im just exhausted i wanted a rest

Its overwhelming and if one of the people above me cancels or something happen to them i might be a little less worried

Sounds selfish i know, im painfully aware of what i say and type, im completely sane and in control

Thats the tragedy of it

I just wanna draw this feeling away..but im afraid i dont have enough time

I just wish you dissappear, in that way my mind is little quieter than it was right now

I could write a poem an essay even how much i want you dead or out of my existenxe but id be wasting my time

Thats how much i hate you

[emberlynnrayne]

Fiendish Friendships

Tumblr. Tumblr, Im in a real spot. Not a big life changing thing, just one of those significant things that socially awkward and socially anxious people like me are not equiped to deal with. Let me start from the beginning. 3 years ago, Ive moved to a new area to live with my love. I know no one around and have no friends closer than an hours drive away. Alex has a friend at work in a long term relationship with a lady Alex thinks I’d get along with. We all hang out, and hit it off great. We’re all fast friends, hanging out all the time and everything is great. Till the honeymoon phase of friendship wears off. Alex doesnt like her anymore. Shes a pathological liar, drama queen, bandwagon girl, selfish, self centered, irresponsible and ‘a bad influence’. For a long, long time, I argued with him. “People arent perfect, she’s still a good person and friend, I dont want it to hurt your friendship with her husband,” and so on. I was trying to find that line of whats forgivable when youre friends with someone. For a long time, she was worth it. Then she started getting worse. Steadily increasing all the things I struggled to accept in her, and canceling our plans with lame excuses and lies. She became a bad friend. So finally one night, when one of her lies put me in a bad spot with our roommate, I had had enough.

I was not kind, Tumblr. I keep a fierce hold on my temper because I know how I can be when I don’t. I know the reprocussions of losing your temper, and I know I get extreme when I do. But even with that in mind, I meant everything I said. I called her out on her lies, her manipulations, her everything. I told her what I really thought and how I really felt. I know I didnt handle it like I should have. I was not adult or responsible about it, and I was far from kind.

By promising to do and be better, she convinced me to try to be friends, with the condition that I do call her out on her lies and misbehavior. Long story short, shes now a completely absent part of my life. I tried for a while to still talk and see her, but it was obvious that she had no intent on following through, so I quit. Fast forward again, and Alex and I never really talked about what happened, but he brings it up one night after seeing her husband. 'It has changed our friendship, and Im really upset. I think you were wrong and I wish you hadnt stopped seeing her.’ It broke my heart. I have a really hard tome communicating verbally at all, much less when I’m upset. Long story short again, he knows my side and how much it upsets me, but I feel like we’re still not on the same page about it. END DRAFT

My thoughts now, something like 9 years later- Alex had this habit of bait and switching me. I can see it now. He had been pushing me to stop being friends with her, and when I finally quit, he was mad because it affected his friendship with her husband. I know that the way I went about things couldve been done better, but now I know he just wanted me to play nice when he wanted nice. To pretend everything was fine, but just stop hanging out with her or having a real friendship without the reality of the breakdown of that friendship. Maybe he thought that disconnecting softly wouldve led to a different outcome, and maybe it wouldve, but I didnt know what he expected of me, and my relationship with this woman was my own.  I ended things with less decorum than I shouldve. I lost my temper because again, someone I loved was actively hurting me. 

How does that depth of love and hurt end calmly? Maybe when I have more peace within myself I’ll know the answer to that. 

[mgsdelta]

im really annoyed with people trying to tell me that im not leftist enough because im moving out of texas when i should be staying and fighting. i cant. i dont know what to tell you but like i literally cannot go outside without fearing for my life. im mentally ill with symptoms that have been WAAAY aggravated by this shit. im physically disabled. how the fuck am i supposed to fight

i have to be in a place where i can feel safe before i can put up a fight that would mean fucking anything. right now i hardly leave my apartment. im not doing anything of use i cant bring myself to go out and protest i cant even stand for that long. why would i be shamed for taking care of myself. you think i dont know that theres other people that cant leave? you think i dont want to help them? thats such bullshit. you should know that as soon as im in a place where i can get out of bed in the morning and go outside without fearing being attacked that i will be doing everything i can to assist those that are still trapped. fuck you for thinking less of me for doing something thatll prevent me from fucking killing myself. you dont know me you dont know what im thinking or feeling and you dont know my plans. me leaving the state that i was born in and grew up in for the entire 23 years of my life isnt some pleasant getaway i have to do this or i will fucking die. it fucking sucks. this is my HOME. i dont want to leave it any more than people dont want to stay.

so if you wanna tell me im a piece of shit for leaving then i really dont know what to tel you. im so fucking tired of hearing this shit. i have to be able to take care of myself before i can take care of other people. i have to keep telling myself that because i see videos and posts and shit saying otherwise. you think i wont fucking fight?? i WILL. but i have to not be on the verge of death first. you want the fight to go somewhere right? you want it to be productive? well thats how that happens. your fighters have to be able. and i am not. i understand that i’m lucky to be able to move (im not even able yet, we have to get more money together and like i said im disabled and cant work so its my gf and best friend scraping by while im the homemaker), and i dont disagree. i know there are people that dont have that option. and i want to be able to be there for them. but if i cant even take care of myself what am i supposed to do for others?

this is the first time ive made such a big decision to uproot my entire life leave my entire family and go to an entirely new locale. i only know one singular person there. i wouldnt do this if i didnt have to. but even before all of this legislation and shit i shouldve done this forever ago for my mental state. this has been a long time coming this is just the straw that broke the camels back. and im tired of being told that for once im taking action in bettering my life and im a piece of shit for it. its just ableism wrapped up in some shiny new ribbon. its not like im an ablebodied fuckin neurotypical queer person moving because the new laws are “icky.” this is some shit that has me thinking abt being checked in to a facility but i dont even feel safe doing that because theyll have records of me. there is so much more to consider on the individual basis that people dont consider when thwyre putting out posts saying like “no lol stay and fight!!!” like I CANT. if you can, then GOOD and we NEED MORE LIKE YOU. but i am not one of those, as badly as i fucking wish i could be. i wish i could be.

[absoluteconceptofbeauty]

(_ _ )💢

[bipeterparker]

I wanna know the illegal story!!!!

what if the p*lice are reading 😳

[crystalis]

its not like nearly as distant and unobtainable as i think it is it's just in my head and i could shake it off and be happy if i truly wanted to.. it's possible i just have to try.. and push more and work around my parents and stuff. like when i think about it, the only obstacle is myself & thats such an easy obstacle to overcome like why havent i done that.. i should be thankful that thats the only obstscle, and i shouldve gotten over it years ago. it's kinda funny tbh i need to just laugh it off and like pick myself up and get on it you know

[surveysonfleek]

1657.

Have you ever cheated at a card game? i definitely have, not in a bad way, i just concealed my cards Tell me what colors you’re wearing right now? im legit wearing all grey Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? of course haha Are you longing for the day that you’ll be an adult? (If you’re not already) im already an adult. im longing for the day that our home is built though Have you ever felt like your heart actually stopped? no

Are you a fast runner? hahaha not at all What’s something you’ve vowed to never eat? ive never vowed to not eat something but theres a lot of foods that i dont like haha Do you have a “poker face”? nope Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? if its during something serious, then yeah Do any of your friends shamelessly burp or fart in public? burpers lol When was the last time you had a good cry? its been a long time Has anyone ever told you they wanted to marry you? yes :) Have you ever had a “thumb war” with someone? yeah, i hate doing it, i always lose Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover? i honestly dont think i get hangovers, like ever. the most ill ever feel after a night of drinking is super tired the next day but no headache or anything like that If you need a job, will you take whatever you can get? ill obviously be picky about it and if the salary is right, ill go for it Time goes by faster as you get older, don’t you find? definitely! Have you ever had a panic attack? only once Are you deathly allergic to anything? no Have you ever had a mouse in your house? yes, years ago. terrified the shit out of me Do you know what you want for your dream house? yes, i hope i can achieve it one day! Have you ever seen the movie the Notebook? yes If you download torrents, what torrent program do you use? i dont download torrents anymore If you go to school, will this year be different? no school Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? yes Are you able to count to ten in another language? yup! Is there something you know you have to do, but haven’t done it yet? yes but ive been trying! Is anyone you know really religious? hmm yeah but mostly older people Can you sing? i wish, but no Have you ever read “Gone With the Wind”? no Are your eyebrows naturally thick? the eyebrow shape is fairly thick but i dont have a high volume of brow hairs if that makes sense Have you ever attempted to cut your own hair? yes haha, it was a fail, i tried to give myself bangs. it was horrible Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? not really, im fine as long as i know what im talking about Have you ever wanted to tell someone how you felt, but never did? yeah always

What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? hm i dont remember, i havent really been watching sad movies Do you check your email daily? yes Have you ever breathed in helium? yes Do you try to be confident and positive about your future? definitely When was the last time you felt disappointed in yourself? theres always a point of time everyday where i feel disappointed if im not using my time correctly etc, or if i shouldve worked out instead of doing nothing etc Have you ever owned a garden? kinda! Who was the last person to text you? my fiance Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? no Do you ever find yourself trying to be the referee amongst your friends? nah Has a laptop ever burned your legs? no Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow? not that i know of Who was the last person to flip you off? idk, probably a friend Are you doing anything the day after tomorrow? i have no plans at the moment Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? my friend, jess and my god daughter Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? yes, i have but i suck at applying them Do you make the effort to smile at people? not really, ill always return it if someone smiles at me though Are you good at following directions? ehm im not bad Have you ever just screamed really loud in an attempt to feel better? haha no Are you in any way, still a child at heart? haha yes, life was so much easier! Quality triumphs over quantity, correct? sure Have you ever danced when there was no music playing? look, i probably have, i just dont remember when the last time was Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? yep! From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? yes Have you received a text today that made you go “wtf”? no When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? only when they have the cloth napkins of course Are you even feeling the least bit tired? yes im tired -_- Is there currently any caffeine or alcohol in your system? nope Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? either or, i dont remember the last time i even used a pencil though Are your biceps at all noticeable? haha no! Have you ever seen a walrus? yes When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? nahhh If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? sure! Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer? they could, i guess we’ll find out in the future When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? always. im a sympathetic cryer Were you single last Valentine’s Day? nope Do you tend to jump to conclusions? nah Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? yes Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? yes lol