#kirsty talks about stuff

[raynertodd]

I’m getting a dog tomorrow and I’m so excited and I know I’m going to be absolutely insufferable in telling everyone about my dog

[kizzington]

🚨 ATTENTION ALL CATB FANS 🚨

Just when we thought they were dust forevermore, they have risen from the dead (or at least Van & probably Benji have) !!!

I’m so excited, I’m presuming this means new music 🤞🏻

[bradsbabe]

For You | Brad Simpson pt 2.

Summary | You and Brad have been together for almost a year, you both are happy together. You are even going on tour with Brad and the other boys and you couldn't be more happy, but ever since you got those hate messages from some "fans" you try your hardest to stay happy and not ruin the tour for Brad and the boys.

Words | 1.52k

pairings | brad simpson x fem reader

warning | kissing, mature themes, arguing

***

“Why do you want to leave?” He asked.

“I feel like I made you mad and yeah I know I should have told you about the messages, but I thought if I ignored them and blocked them then they would leave me alone. So I think the best thing to do is go back home.” I said.

Brad sits on the bed quietly, his hands run through his curly hair and I can tell he is still irritated. 

“I'm not mad at you, just upset that you didn't come to me when all of this was happening, I told you I can put a stop to it, but you don't want me to. Why's that?

“Because I don't need you to fight my battles for me.” I blurted out. 

Brad gets up and walks to the door.

“B, I didn't mean it that way.” I said.

“Maybe, we should take a break from each other.” He said walking out of the hotel room.

Tears started to fall down my cheeks and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there, at this point I missed my flight, and I don't know what to do now.

***

“Hey, is everything okay?” Kirstie asked Brad.

“We kind of had a disagreement, and we are on a break.” Brad said in front of everyone.

Kirstie went to see if y/n was okay, but once she went into the hotel room she noticed that y/n was gone, but her suitcases and everything was still in the room, even her phone. James came into the room to check on y/n as well.

“Where is she?” James asked.

“I don't know, all of her stuff is still here, maybe she went to get fresh air.” Kirstie said.

***

I needed fresh air, away from everyone, to think things through. I didn't want it to end up like this Brad breaking up with me, all because I didn't tell him about his fans hating me, for what, I don't know exactly what for. Maybe dating a celebrity was a wrong thing, but I don't see Brad as a celebrity, I see him as a normal, fun, outgoing, down to earth guy, who loves to spend time with family and friends and do normal things. I saw a couple of fans still waiting at the place where the boys are performing at, I guess they have another meet and greet. A few of them noticed me and came walking up to me.

“Aren't you dating Brad?” One of the girls said. I just nod my head.

“We noticed there are a couple of fan pages that have been hating on you, but we just want you to know we love you, and we are sorry people are mean and cruel, and if it's okay can we take a picture with you?” Another girl said.

“Thank you, and of course.” I said.

I talked to them for a few more minutes. I wasn't going in the building, I decided to explore France, which I was supposed to be doing with Brad, but things changed. I saw a cute little café, I went in and ordered a coffee and just sat there enjoying the view.

***

Brad's trying to enjoy the meet and greet, but with everything going on he seems more irritated and even some of the fans have noticed. The same group of girls that met with y/n was next in line and they started to talk about y/n, and Brad overheard them talking about the drama between y/n and those fan pages. Brad decided to walk out of the meet and greet, he tried calling y/n, but it went straight to voice-mail. Brad walks back to the hotel hoping that you're still there so he can apologize for what happened. Once he gets in he sees you watching tv.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said, I was mad at myself for not noticing what was happening, I don't want a break at all, I tried calling you, but I guess you don't want to talk to me. I wouldn't blame you. Brad said.

“I just came back in and my phone is dead, don't be mad at yourself, you didn't know, and I'm sorry for not telling you I just wanted you to have a fun tour, not have to worry about anything. I got you something. I saw this and thought of you.” I said grabbing a small box and handing it to Brad.

He opens it and inside is a small red heart necklace that I thought was cute for Brad. He immediately puts it on and hugs me.

“Thank you, I love it and I love you so fucking much.” Brad said.

He grabs my face gently and kisses me. He pushes me on the bed and gets on top of me. 

“I want you so bad, I need you now.” Brad said in between kisses.

“What are you waiting for then?” I said tugging on his shirt hinting him to take it off.

Before we got any further, there was a knock at the door.

“Just ignore it.” I said as I  unbuttoned his pants.

“Brad, open up.” James yelled.

Brad groans and gets up and button his pants. I fix myself and sit up from the bed. Brad opens the door and James and Kirstie come walking in.

“We were worried about you both, is everything okay.” James asked.

“Yes, we were actually in the middle of a TV show.” Brad lied. 

James looked at the tv and laughed, but before he got to say something Kirstie grabbed him and walked out of the room.

“We'll see you both in the morning.” She said pushing James out and closing the door. 

“Now where were we?” He asked, pushing me against the wall.

I started to unbutton his pants again, he was only in his boxers this time.

“It's your turn.” He said, pulling my shirt off of me.

"Make me yours.", I breathe out and his hands caress the length of my legs, pulling my pants down. He looks me in the eyes as his hands go back to my thighs. He grabs my thong, taking it off.

"You'll be mine after tonight". Brad says as he caresses my legs, pulling them apart gently, he drops to his knees, positioning his head between my legs. My cheeks burn and I gulp when his mouth starts kissing on my inner thighs, All of a sudden he stands up.

“Come on no teasing.” I whined. He picks me up and lightly throws me on the bed.

“There won't be any teasing.” He whispers.

“Wait, do you have a condom?” 

“No, but we should be fine without.” He said.

 He guides himself inside me, little by little like it was our first time. We both moan when it slides all the way in. He slowly slides in and out of me. He moves, as he's hovering over me, his arms on both sides of my head, and he buries his face into my neck, kissing and biting at my sweet spots. 

We end the night together in a relaxing warm bath.

“How about you and I go explore France together tomorrow.” 

“I'd love that.” I said snuggling into him.

Brad's phone rings and he gets up from the tub and wraps a towel around his waist and grabs his phone and answers it. The look on his face tells me it's bad news, I get out and wrap a towel around me and wait until he's done talking to whoever it is.

“What's wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing, just Joe telling me to be on my best behavior tomorrow night.” He said.

“That reminds me, I have to go tell the boys about one of the songs I added in.” He said.

***

Brad is walking to Joe's room, and knocks on the door waiting for him to let him in. Once he get in he pace back and forth.

“Could we possibly take it down?” Brad asked.

“Yeah, but it'll take some time to, don't worry we'll take it down, hopefully tomorrow y/n will not see it.” Joe said.

Brad's walking back to the room, once he walks in he sees y/n sound asleep. He covers her and kisses her forehead. Brad walks to Jame's room.

“Is everything okay?” James asked.

“Do you remember that night in Italy at the club?” Brad asked.

“Yeah, why.”

“Well someone sent out the video of me and tris and a group of girls, I don't remember it at all and well to me it looks bad like I cheated on y/n, and if she sees it, she'll break up with me. Joe's trying to take it down before y/n sees it.” Brad said.

“You did nothing wrong, I know it may look like that but y/n will not believe any of it. Trust me she loves you man, and we all know nothing happened during that time.” James said.

“I just hope y/n doesn't see it.” Brad said.

Author: Thank you for all the love on the first part! And I hope you all like this one as well!

[just-my-type-x]

Tell Me How You Really Feel

Based on Would You by The Vamps

@bronwiebear-brad got u ♥️

"Can you, please, tell me what's wrong with you?", Brad asks me and i take a gulp of my cocktail, trying to ignore his question. "We can't spend the rest of our holiday like this", he sighs and picks up his towel, heading back to the hotel, leaving me on the beach. I sigh and try to take in the beauty of my view, but it angers me more than it relaxes me. I finish my drink, pick up the rest of the stuff and get inside too.

"Bradley", i close the door behind me and he turns around when he hears me, coming back from the balcony. "Why are we on holiday?", i walk past him towards the balcony to put my towel up to dry in the wind. I know he's standing behind me with his arms crossed at his chest, frowned, almost tapping his foot nervously on the floor.

"Trying to save what's left of us?", he answers with an angry tone, which i do not blame him for. "Tell me how you really feel about us, y/n. Because I'm really curious how much you actually want us together anymore.", he sits on the end of the bed, watching me carefully, his teary eyes analysing my face features. I stand in front of him, looking down in his direction, but ditching eye contact.

"How can you be curious of something like that, Bradley?", i scoff and turn my back to him, only to face him again when he starts to speak.

"You don't even call me love, babe, at least tell me to fuck off and i would!", he gets up and comes closer to me, but not as close as a boyfriend. We feel like strangers, act like them and soon, we will be strangers. "If i walked out that fucking door right now, would you even follow me? Would you even miss me or realise that we're done, we're over?", a tear almost falls off his cheek, but he's quick to run his hands over his face. I stay silent for a few seconds, too many, in fact. Brad scoffs and walks to the closet to take his clothes out.

"What are you doing?", i ask, uneasy

"I'm leaving. The trip is paid, you can take the rest of the days to make up your mind. I'll br in Birmingham waiting for your decision", he angrily tosses the clothes on the bed and i catch his arm, turning him to face me.

"Hey, stop. This is not who we are", i raise my voice and he raises his eyebrows.

"You decided this is us, y/n! I seem to not interest you anymore and let's be honest here, you haven't showed one gram of affection towards me ever since i came back from tour. I thought this vacation will be good for us, to get romantic again, but you're colder and colder by the day. Don't go wasting my time when you don't want yours to be wasted either", he takes off his beach shorts and gets dressed quickly in denim shorts and a loose shirt, closing up his suitcase. We fight, i pull him by the arm to stay with me, but i let him go soon after ny first try.

"Have a nice flight, Brad"

"Oh, so it's Brad now. I'll have the best one away from you.", he pushes the suitcase out of the room. "Take care", his voice breaks when closing the door behind him.

🥀🥀🥀

A month later I'm invited to James' birthday party, which i go to feeling like an imposter. I greet everyone and hug my closest friends, making small talk and earning a few apologetical statements from some of them about Brad and i's break up. I look down, trying to dodge eye contact, because lately i realised that the break up was not needed and i was just in a bad place, not being able to provide the relationship what was needed.

I see James and walk over to him, handing him his gift and tightly hugging him, ending up in a long conversation, that felt like hours, not briefly 10 minutes. Kirstie joins us soon after we finish talking about their wedding anniversary vacation.

"I think someone here wants to have some alone time with you", James takes a sip of scotch and points somewhere behind me and i see Brad ignoring a conversation, while he's looking straight in my eyes when i turn around. I excuse myself from James and Kirstie and walk towards him.

He takes me by my hand and walks me out of the big living room and we go right outside the house, in the small garden. I feel my whole body tense, wishing his hand was still in mine.

"I'm sorry", i burst out and Brad laughs

"I've played gamed enough to see through a lie", he takes a sip of gin and looks away from me

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Are you really sorry? You didn't bother to let me know you're still alive when you got home. I had to call your parents"

"I know", i whisper and look away from him

"You kno-, you know. Wow", he scoffs again and empties his glass, throwing it away from us, breaking somewhere on the pavement. "Did you talk to them about us?"

"i did, yeah. And i really meant it that I'm sorry", i lean on the wall on my back, looking straight ahead

"And what did you tell them? That we're holiday-ing in different parts of the world?", Brad lets out a small laugh and i know the joke was meant to break the tension. "Did your face light up the way it used to?", i look at him and a sad smile is on his face, watching me closely. He comes next to me and lays on the wall like me.

"No, i told them I fucked up. I couldn't lie to them, i was a wreck. I'm an asshole for not talking to you anymore, but i didn't deserve you or your answers. I'm sorry i wasn't able to bring what you needed into our relationship, the last months have been so hard for me. I guess i let distance break us apart and i didn’t even try to get you back ", my voice breaks and Brad is quick to hug me tight at his chest, the way he always used to when i was sad.

"We don't deserve each other from many points of view, but I'm down to try and change that. If you want that too", he kisses the top of my head and the last part is whispered, like he was too scared to find out my choice.

"I want that. I'm not ready to give you up, i swear", we hug one more time and we get inside the house, hand in hand, offering each other quick, cheeky smiles every now and then.

[talesfromasnarkylisa]

Stranded In Arendelle: Chapter 5

July 24th, 1843

Rapunzel and Nuru had tried to look for Eugene. Apparently, he was in the castle dungeon. Unfortunately, when they visited the palace the guards refused to let them know exactly where he was.

“Geez,” sighed Rapunzel, “why are they making us out to be the bad guys?”

“Welcome to my world,” snarked Nuru. 

Kirsti was walking by the two women. She had visited the castle dungeons.

“Hey Kirsti,” asked Rapunzel, “any updates on Eugene?”

“I saw him in a cell somewhere,” Kirsti answered. “He was being questioned by two guards.”

Rapunzel was pissed.

“What? Why?” groaned the princess of Corona.

“Don’t know,” responded Kirsti. 

Kirsti thought of a plan to find Eugene.

“Guys, I have an idea,” she told the two princesses.

“Elaborate,” stated Nuru.

“So I’ve been to the Arendlle castle dungeons quite a few times now. As a visitor, of course. I go to visit my mom. Sometimes, I either forget stuff in the jail area or forget to give something to my mom. Whenever either happens, I talk to the guards to see if they’ll let me back in. It takes some time to make negotiations, but usually they do. What I’m thinking right now is this: I’ll ask the guards to take me to my mom because I forgot something. I’ll also ask them if you two could come in as well to help me look for what I forgot.”

Rapunzel thought over the plan for a bit. It didn’t sound like a bad idea.

“Sounds great and all,” Rapunzel said, “but how close is your mom’s cell to where you last saw Eugene?”

“Close enough for me to properly see what happened to him,” Kirsti answered.

“Alright then,” Rapunzel tightened her corset. “Nuru, let’s go find Eugene.”

As soon as the Arendellian guards approved Kirsti’s request to see her mom, the three women went down to the dungeons.

…

The dungeons were surprisingly large for a castle. They consisted of multiple large rooms, each with several sets of smaller cells. Fortunately, for Rapunzel and Kirsti, there were no guards guarding the rooms they had to go through to find Eugene. 

Nuru was a little disappointed she didn’t have an opportunity to negotiate with any officials to get resources for her kingdom. But considering it would make it harder to find Eugene she otherwise didn’t mind.

The 3 reached the final room they had to go through before entering where Kirsti’s mom was locked up. At this point, Kirsti eyed a wall with a cutout.

“Well,” Kirsti said, “this is unusual.”

“What is?” asked Nuru.

“There should be a door to get to the other room,” stated Kirsti. “It’s normally open. The guards are pretty confident that no one will use the connecting door to escape, as these are very hidden rooms. Opening the door allows air to flow more easily.”

Rapunzel tried to open the door. It was locked.

“They locked this thing?” she was upset.

“I guess they forgot to unlock it,” responded Kirsti.

Nuru attempted yanking the door. After about 7 minutes of exhaustion, the door finally came open. The other room also lacked guards due to it being very empty.

“Well, that’s a relief,” smiled Rapunzel.

Kirsti entered the area first to double check for guards. Her mother was a little confused as to why she was back, so she explained that she just wanted to spend a little extra time with her. 

In the meantime, Rapunzel looked all over the room for Eugene. She looked to the left. No one. She looked to the right. Also no one. She went down each cell individually to check if anyone was inside. Still no one.

Eventually, Nuru found two cells with open sets of bars. The only open bar sets in the whole room. 

“Rapunzel!” Nuru whispered. “People broke out!”

Rapunzel analyzed the two cells. When she looked closer at one of them, she noticed a small handkerchief. Eugene’s handkerchief. It didn’t take long for the princess to realize what had happened.

“Seems like Eugene got tired of this place real fast,” snarked Rapunzel. 

(Wattpad version: https://www.wattpad.com/1465575837-stranded-in-arendelle-chapter-5)

[satans-helper]

Reaching for Stardust - Part XI

Read Looking For Space here / Playlists / Read RFS on wattpad

Word Count: ~6500

Warnings: drinking, drugs, sexy time

A/N: I had a blast writing this part. Hope you enjoy <3

---

The bit of spring that had been left to us was gone in an instant. Our world got hotter, the sun got brighter, and then we were in the thick of summer and I kept having to pointedly remind myself of what day it was nearly every single day, because each one of them went by so quickly that I couldn’t keep up. Josh had had two summer courses to teach, thankfully, since we needed the money even if it wasn’t a lot. Whenever that doubt about his “real” desire crept up on me, I had to also remind myself that he was very obviously happy. Not just happy with the fact that we were getting married, but happy that there weren’t any secrets or side-plots left untouched. We were back to talking about every little thing all the time. Lots of wedding talk of course, but also the same rich, esoteric conversations Josh so easily opened up and the same humorous tirades full of our shared and separate experiences and inside jokes that left us in stitches, cackling and falling into one another wherever we were. Those times ended up being the most fulfilling parts of the summer for me since we’d ended up too busy to immerse ourselves in our usual things as deeply as we were used to. We’d become busy and mostly homebodies, fretting over things that seemed so inconsequential at first but, the more I thought about our wedding, the more I recognized that I really did want everything to be as perfect as possible no matter what.

Summer was then also coming to a rapid close and Josh had been questioning me about what I wanted to do for my birthday for weeks. It was hard for me to think about with my mind so fixated on nothing but the wedding, but when I learned that the boys were going to be home that weekend, a little lightbulb went off.

“I want to have a party,” I told Jake over the phone while I was giving myself a break from scouring the internet for potential honeymoon destinations–that was the biggest thing that was still up in the air. “Like, an old-school Kiszka-Wagner shindig.”

Jake chuckled. “Okay. Where?”

“Well, considering Josh and I are working with like 700 square feet and a limited budget, I was hoping you guys would host it.” I was pacing around the small kitchen of mine and Josh’s apartment, unnecessarily antsy. I knew Jake, Sam and Danny would be interested, especially after their longest string of shows ever. “Consider that your birthday present to me. Just letting me use your house.”

“Okay, that’s fair.” Jake’s words were so simple, almost stoic, but I could hear him smiling through them. “Do the hosts also provide refreshments?”

“You guys get whatever you want. I’m gonna bring booze, too. Lots of it.” I paused, reflecting on what Josh had asked me earlier in the day. “Josh actually really wants to do shrooms.” 

I purposefully left that hanging in the air and there was a lingering pause until Jake hummed and said, “Really?”

“Yeah, really. I figured one of you still had a connection for that.”

“What about you? That could be another birthday present.”

“I’m not sure. Right now I know I just wanna get really, really drunk and forget about all this wedding stuff for a night.”

“That can absolutely be done. But I can’t imagine Josh not trying to get you to trip too, and I already know Sam is going to be on your case about it.”

Yes, of course–Sam being the king of trying anything once. Or over and over. “Oh, I’m sure he will be. I’ll consider it.”

“Okay, so, drinks, drugs–I’m assuming everyone wants weed, too.” Jake spoke as if he was writing it down. “Who’s gonna be there?”

“I don’t want like, a full-blown rager,” I told him. “But I want you guys to invite whoever you want. Same for Josh. I’ll just be bringing my girls.”

“Bev? Kirsti?”

“I’m sparing my sister,” I said with a laugh. “But Bev and Jane for sure.”

Jake’s voice got higher as he went, “Oh, Jane?” 

I leaned back against the counter with an amused smile on my face. “Jake and Jane. Wouldn’t that be sweet?”

“Oh come on, don’t start.”

It was like I could see the blush on Jake’s cheeks even though I couldn’t actually see him at all. “She thinks you’re really cute. I get the sense you feel the same about her.”

“She is. Why have you been gatekeeping your friends?”

I laughed. “Listen, I tried with Sam and Bev. Maybe I was worried that would happen all over again.”

Jake scoffed. “Please. I’m not Sam.”

“I know, Jake. You’re much more of a gentleman.”

“I am.”

“So does this mean Josh and I can crash at your place?” I asked. I wanted to pry into Jake further about this faraway crush he had on my friend, but I could feel my mind going a mile a minute with more party planning. “Or I can try and rope Kirsti into coming and she can be our long-distance DD.”

“No way, it’s totally cool for you guys to sleep over. You can take Danny’s room and he can bunk with Sam.” 

I sighed, still smiling. “God, thanks for doing this, dude. Time’s been flying and I think Josh and I just need a break. How are you guys holding up?”

“We’re doing good, yeah. It’s definitely been a busy summer. You guys should come down here more often.”

“That’d be really nice. I miss you guys all the time.”

“I miss you guys, too. We all miss you. I trust that you’re taking good care of my twin?”

“Always.” I smirked to myself. “I trust you’ll take good care of my friend Jane when you see her?”

“God, I shouldn’t have given myself away,” Jake mumbled.

I laughed again, truly getting the biggest kick out of teasing him. “No, no! It’s so adorable. I even showed her videos of you guys playing–she’s very into it.” 

“Alright, I’m hanging up now–”

“No, wait!” I protested, laughing some more. “I’m only trying to help you. Wouldn’t it be sweet if you and Jane got married? Come on, both Kiszka twins married?”

Jake laughed too. “One wedding at a time.”

“Yeah, for real.” I turned around to look out the window–the leaves were changing already in the beginning of September, turning from bright, vivid green to subdued red and orange. “I’m nervous about it, Jake.” 

“The wedding? Why?” Jake gave a little snort. “I mean, I can imagine why but–really, why?”

“I don’t know. I think I’m worried I’ll be so stuck on the actual ‘wedding’ part of it and will miss what it’s meant to really be.” I rested my upper body on the counter, propping my chin up in my hand. “God, or even the opposite? I’m nervous about being the center of attention for that long. I love the idea of everyone seeing us together, and everyone seeing Josh especially, but like–I’ve been working on my vows, right? I would have no problem saying any of those words to Josh if it was just the two of us but the thought of saying all of it in front of a bunch of people makes me wanna throw up.”

“Maybe you won’t even notice all the other people around when it’s happening.” Jake said, then I could hear the smirk on his face. “You’ve told me before how ‘dreamy’ his eyes are. How you just get lost in them.”

I rolled mine, but it was true. I had definitely said that and then some. “His eyes are beautiful and sure, maybe you’re right. Maybe I’ll just disappear into them. But I’m still nervous.”

“If it helps, I can guarantee you that he’s nervous, too.”

“But he’s so good at seeming like he’s not.” 

“No one’s gonna judge you, if that’s partly why you’re nervous. Josh would never allow it.”

“No, I know. I only invited people we all like anyway.”

“Wait, Sam’s not invited?”

I laughed again, loudly, creating an echo in the empty kitchen. “Stop. I love Sam so much. I’m so excited to see all of you guys in your suits. Do you like ‘em?”

“Yes, we do. You’re gonna lose it when you see Josh.”

My face flushed and I covered my face, giggling like a schoolgirl. “I know I am. Oh my god, Jake, I know I am. He’s gonna look so stunning.” 

“See? There’s way more to be excited about than nervous.”

I straightened up, looking out the window again. “You’re right. As always.”

–

“You look foxy,” Josh purred, running his hands down my sides once he was done helping zip me up. I was in my birthday party dress–emerald green and sparkly, mini and slightly flared, something Josh had helped me pick out specifically for this event. “A vision,” he added, taking my hand and lifting my arm up to inspect further. “Give daddy a spin.”

I laughed, shaking my head. “No spin, Josh. Not on my birthday. You’ve seen enough.” I moved behind him to get to the closet again, retrieving a cardigan. “You give me a spin when you’re done.” We were matching again, kind of–Josh had opted for an all-white ensemble minus a forest green jacket he’d found just in time to coincide with me, but he was still stuck in his underwear, looking at me.

“I feel comfortable just like this, actually,” Josh proclaimed, positioning himself in front of the full-length mirror, hands on his hips. “Would you be opposed if I declined to wear clothes tonight?”

“I wouldn’t, but I’m not so sure about everyone else.” I moved behind him, pulling him into a hug; my hands crossed over his chest and my ring twinkled in the light. Josh noticed too–his eyes traveled down to the diamond and a small smile curved his lips. 

“I was thinking, darling,” he began, holding my hands over his body, swaying slightly. “Would you also be opposed if I had a gold wedding band? Not white gold?”

My hands found his, my fingers trailing over his wrists down to his knuckles. “Hell no. Love that idea, Josh. You look perfect in gold.” 

“And in tighty-whities, apparently,” Josh said with a cackle. He whipped around, planted a quick kiss to my lips, then shuffled back to the bed to actually put on real clothes. I sat on the edge to watch and he asked, “So now the real question–are you tripping with me tonight?”

“Honestly, I’m way more invested in watching you trip, babe,” I told him as he pulled his pants on, hopping on one foot momentarily. “The last time was–when? The cabin trip we all went on?”

“Yeah, and Jake pissed his pants because he couldn’t find the bathroom!” Josh relayed with a wild cackle, throwing his head back like it was the absolute funniest thing in the world. He pulled his shirt over his head, curls poking out briefly before his sunny face came through; familiar mischief was in his eyes, directed right at me. “You really won’t? It’d be so much fun.”

“Josh, I am fully prepared to get obliterated by alcohol,” I assured him, to which he did seem to look a bit appeased. “Let’s wait and see how much ‘fun’ we’re all having then.”

-

“Well, well, well.” Sam was the first to greet Josh and I, walking down the driveway in bare feet and holding a hard seltzer in one hand while his other was hidden behind his back. “Who let you two on the premises?”

“I believe I have birthday privileges, as does my plus-one,” I told him, then waved at his tucked back arm. “And I hope you have another drink back there for me.”

With a wide, toothy and self-satisfied grin, Sam indeed handed me a surprise seltzer. “Boom! Happy birthday,” he said, to which I popped the tab and we cheered one another as Josh grabbed both of our overnight bags and the bags of alcohol we’d packed.

“No, no, nobody help me!” he called out dramatically, one bag over each shoulder, the bags of alcohol dangling from his forearms. When I stepped over to him, he flapped his hands at me. “No, not you! Make Sam do it!”

Sam lounged against the hood of Josh’s Jeep. “Make Jake do it. Or better yet, Danny–what else are those arms of his good for?”

I grabbed Sam’s skinny arm and hauled him off the car. “Come on, we better help if you want your shrooms.”

Sam scoffed. “Hey, I got us the shrooms!”

“And Josh will chow down on your share if you don’t buck up,” I told him, and Sam seemed to take that seriously–he freed Josh of one of the bags of booze and I took the other.

I’d only seen their house a few times before but it was obvious that the boys had done some considerable cleaning up around it. Even just in the small foyer, their shoes were actually arranged on the rack instead of kicked away haphazardly, and the living room smelled like Febreeze. But all of their unique identities persisted in their various pieces of art, literature and music that were showcased on walls, tables and shelves. It felt like a real home. Certainly a real home to a troupe of musicians.

Jake emerged from the kitchen wearing an apron, hair tied back, to which Josh and I both paused and must have shared pointed looks.

“I’m making things,” Jake defended, widening his stance in the doorway. 

“Where’s Danny?” I asked. “And can you let me in there so I can put the alcohol down?”

Sam just breezed right past, willowy enough even with the bag on his arm to sidle right past his brother. “Danny’s in here. He’s helping with the cupcakes–isn’t that right?”

When I got inside the kitchen next, Danny was indeed bent over the counter, piping light pink icing from a bag on top of chocolate and vanilla cupcakes. I set my bag down and went to his side to watch. “Wow, Danny–you’re good at this,” I noted. He really was–the little stars were pretty much perfect. 

“I wasn’t sure what color you’d want,” he said, pausing,the little plastic bag hovering. “Sam said hot pink but that didn’t sound accurate.”

I patted his shoulder. “I love pink. Any shade will do.” I looked at Jake next. “But seriously, you guys didn’t have to do this. We could have totally made do with some Doritos and Kroger baked goods or something.”

“Nonsense.” Josh was suddenly in there with us, the kitchen officially cramped. “Birthdays are for special things and when’s the last time we were honored with Jake’s chef skills anyway?”

“It’s good to be cooking again,” Jake said, returning to his side of the counter where he was slicing crunchy French bread. “Even though all this stuff is easy. I’m just tired of gas station snacks and fast food.”

“You wanna cater our wedding?” I teased.

Jake chuckled. “You already got a caterer. Josh told me.”

“Damn.” I watched him lay the slices onto a baking tray before drizzling them with olive oil. “You’re both going all out for this. I feel very honored.”

Josh began licking the extra frosting from the spatula Danny had left behind. “It’s going to be a magical night.”

“Did you invite anyone else?” I asked the boys while I pulled out my phone, checking for my girls’ ETA. 

“Nope,” Danny said, still bent over to create his sugared masterpieces. “We figured if some of us are tripping, we don’t want a bigger group.”

“Jake also doesn’t want anyone else getting in the way of him and Jane,” Sam remarked, and I caught him smirking at his brother.

I sidled up to Sam and tapped my seltzer against his. “Cheers to that,” I added, to which Jake sighed and shook his head.

-

By the time we were all multiple drinks, joints and cigarettes into the night, I figured everyone might just end up crashing together. We were all outside on the deck–Bev and Sam seemed to have rekindled something, with them sticking close to one another, their chairs nearly overlapping, deep in some conversation I couldn’t hear over the music from Danny’s speaker. Jake and Jane had successfully started something–they kept making each other laugh, which was adorable. Jake’s relentless charm was working. I just felt bad that I hadn’t brought anyone for Danny, or he hadn’t brought anyone for himself, but then we all started playing drinking games and my anxiety about it began to flow out. Everyone was having a good time and it felt incredible–something so simple, just an easy, unregimented gathering of good friends made the world of difference in my heart. 

Maybe there were some things that would never change. Sam was still the worst person to follow during a waterfall move in King’s Cup–he could chug like no one’s business–while Jake was still the most clever during the rhyming card. Danny was always surprising during “never have I ever,” able to zero in on whoever he wanted to take out–usually Sam–and easily get them to drink. And Josh could keep categories going forever, able to name seemingly infinite things from all facets of life. 

One thing that I hoped would never change was Josh’s raging passion for excitement, for whimsy, for being silly and wild. Even just observing him throughout the night piqued that admiration I had for him–he knew exactly who he was. I knew that even if we’d been with a group of strangers, he’d be no different. I could have done without him insisting everyone sing “happy birthday” to me, though.

“No, please,” I said, though I was laughing. By this point I was deep into seltzers and tequila, mistakenly matching Sam’s pace. “It’s too cringy.”

“It is not cringy!” Josh protested, bouncing on the picnic table seat, his thigh vibrating against mine. “It’s a tradition and we HAVE to do it.”

“Oh, we have to?” I countered, but it was futile. Danny was standing up, determination strong on his face.

“I’m getting the cupcakes,” he announced, already heading toward the sliding glass doors. “I got candles specifically for this, you know.”

I sighed. “Alright. I won’t argue.”

Somewhat against my will, they all carried out the song. It was funny how the boys could all sing but the girls couldn’t, though I couldn’t either, and I giggled to myself at everyone’s efforts. But I, of course, had a favorite performance–Josh went all in, dramatically bellowing out each word from his chest, his eyes fixed on me with a huge, cheeky smile on his face. I knew he wanted to get me more used to being the center of attention, but he had a way of taking so much for himself which I almost always preferred. In my eyes, he would always be a star. 

Danny held the tray of cupcakes topped with lit candles in front of me. “Make a wish!”

The pressure of birthday wishes. What did I want that I didn’t already have and that wasn’t already coming? As hokey as it was, and as much as I knew it was already a given, I thought of it: for Josh and I to live happily ever after. 

Cheers and whoops commenced once the candles were blown out and my wish was solidified further. We all dug into the cupcakes with a rabid energy, alcohol and weed fueling a sudden hunger since Jakes’ hor d'oeuvres had been decimated; I looked at him and Danny after the first bite, perplexed by how good they were.

“Holy fuck,” I said. “You guys should make our wedding cake.”

“These really are amazing,” Jane added, clearly impressed by Jake’s skills in the kitchen–she was looking at him like he was made of gold. 

“What IS your wedding cake going to be anyway?” Bev asked, licking a stripe of frosting off her cupcake.

“We just decided that last week, actually,” I told her, and everyone really, since the entire group appeared to be invested in the cake. “Chocolate cake with white frosting. A pear compote or something in the middle? And we wanna have like, stars piped on it or something. Something with stars.”

“Sounds pretty,” Jane said.

“Very you,” Bev concurred. 

“I hope so. We gotta find a baker.” I took another bite, already knowing I was going to have to take a second one. If our wedding cake was as good as Jake and Danny’s cupcakes, it was going to be just fine. 

“Edible glitter, maybe?” Josh proposed.

“Oh, hell yes,” I confirmed. 

“Speaking of edibles,” Sam began, leaning forward across the picnic table, inching closer to Josh and I. “When are these shrooms going down?”

“Count me out,” I said, keeping my cupcake safe in one hand and lifting my drink in the other. “I’m sticking with sugar and alcohol tonight.”

“Ugh, boring,” Sam said with a wave of his hand, then looked pointedly at Josh. “You still in?”

“Absolutely,” Josh said. “Do we have enough for the other ladies though?”

“Oh no, I’m good,” Jane said with a little laugh, looking at Jake. 

Jake shifted in his chair. “Me too. Bev can have my share if she wants.”

Sam narrowed his eyes at him; I caught his gaze and raised my eyebrows, tilting my head, silently urging him to leave his brother alone. “Fine, be boring, Jacob,” Sam said with an exaggerated sigh. “Josh, Danny, Bev and I are going to go on a fantastical journey without all you sad saps.”

I thought it was a bit risky for Sam to begin his trip with so many drinks under his belt. Josh and Danny, on the other hand, hadn’t actually had that much to drink–Josh had been preparing for this all day and alcohol just didn’t hit Danny the same way it hit Sam. He could handle a bit more. Bev was even more of a worry for me–while always more of a risk-taker, I knew she hadn’t done anything beyond booze and weed in a few years and she’d also gone pretty hard with the tequila throughout the night. Nevertheless, the fantastical journey began after Jake added more wood to the fire pit and while I watched them chow down, blissfully drunk and enjoying the chilly night air around me, the darkness, the black shadows of the trees, I thought they were all very brave after all.

A little while later, Sam was the first one to make a move–he stood and looked up at the porch light. “Wanna go for a walk?” 

I wasn’t entirely sure who he was asking, but Bev–again, bravely, I felt–replied, “Who? Me?”

Sam laughed and grabbed her hand. “Yes, you.”

“I don’t think we agreed that anyone would be leaving the party,” Josh teased. He was sticking close to me, which was a little surprising once I figured his own trip was probably beginning. He didn’t like to stay still once things got going in his mind no matter what substance he was using, but I appreciated him being there–his body was warm next to mine, his hand resting on my thigh. 

“We’re not leaving,” Sam assured him. “We’re going for a walk.” He went over to Danny, who was sitting next to the fire, across from Jake and Jane, and put his hands on his best friend’s shoulders while he hovered over him. “Danny needs to come with us. He can protect us.”

Danny sighed and rolled his eyes, but I could see him smirking past the slight obstruction of Sam’s hips in his face. “Always the responsible one.”

Sam guffawed. “As if, Daniel!” He patted his shoulders. “Come on. Up and at ‘em, big boy.”

“Be safe!” I called after them as the trio meandered off the porch and into the darkness of the yard, then completely out of sight, just leaving us with their momentary and fading chatter. 

“Josh,” Jake said once us three were alone. He hunched forward, forearms resting

on his thighs. “How’re you feeling?”

“Good, very good,” Josh said, sounding as perky as ever. “I feel electric.” He appeared to be buzzing with electricity even more so–his knee was bouncing harder, a bristling energy radiating from his entire body.

I thought Josh evidently needing to move around was also a good reason to give Jake and Jane some alone time. “Should we go for a walk or something, too?” I asked him.

“No, no, this is good,” Josh said, taking me by surprise again, as he looked up into the night sky. We were too close to the city to see any real amount of stars, but the moon was still a good companion. Then I followed his gaze to the fire crackling away. “The fire is nice. All of you are so nice.”

Jake and Jane smiled in sync with one another and my own smile followed. I agreed completely and we all stayed, chatting and watching the fire blaze onward, though Josh spent far more time fire-gazing than talking. Also unusual, even for a trip. I was enjoying not talking about the wedding nearly as much as usual. Instead, I was trying to facilitate–which I realized was probably coming across even more intensely thanks to me being drunk–Jake and Jane getting to know each other even more. The game of King’s Cup had certainly helped, but I was feeling completely invested in them actually getting together now, the thought so endearing and adorable in my mind. They also looked so invested in each other, hardly taking their eyes off one another, and Jake was becoming bolder as the alcohol kept flowing into our cups and the night grew deeper, gracing Jane with small, slight touches that she leaned into every time. It made me start to think about what Josh and I might have looked like on the outside to others when we were first getting to know one another. It probably wasn’t that cute, I figured, not right away. Not when I’d been so apprehensive and on the defense all the time, struggling to reconcile with all the ridiculous feelings. But Jake had played witness to one of the most pivotal points in our relationship–when we’d slept together for the first time. When I’d gone over to their shared apartment for the first time and after all was said and done, Josh curled up into me and we really slept together for the first time. The first time I thought of his nickname, Starshine. That nickname had echoed in my mind for years like a prayer.

The memory stretched onward–me waking before him, having coffee with Jake in the kitchen where he told me how often Josh talked about me, then the hike where I’d finally been real and true with Josh for the first time. If I’d been thinking about all that while tripping on mushrooms, I had no idea where the universe would have taken me; I looked at Josh, wondering what was actually going on in his mind, and he took his eyes away from the fire to meet mine. 

“What’s up?” I asked quietly.

“Are you having a good birthday?” Josh asked in return, face so serious yet so soft.

“The best birthday,” I affirmed. “I’m drunk and have eaten like four cupcakes and I’m pretty sure like, way more than my fair share of Jake’s appetizers.”

“They really are amazing,” Josh concurred with a few slight nods, glancing over at his twin. “Can we steal some more cupcakes and go to Danny’s room?”

I checked the time on my phone. “Where are Danny and Sam and Bev anyway?” I questioned before giving Josh an answer–my worry had piqued again. “Should we go look for them or something?”

“I’ll text them,” Jake offered, pulling his phone out, to which Jane did the same thing, saying she would text Bev.

“I doubt they’re all in a ditch somewhere,” Josh went on. “They’re all on their journey together, keeping each other safe.”

I laughed a little, thinking of Sam’s natural ability to bring chaos wherever he went. “I sure hope so.”

“Danny just replied,” Jake said. “They walked all the way over to some gas station to get more snacks.”

Josh and I both laughed. “Oh my god,” I said. “They’re all too perfect.”

With our friends’ safety assured, Josh and I did end up snagging a couple more cupcakes before heading up to Danny’s room. I’d never actually been in his room in this house before and in my drunken state, I found it endlessly fascinating, but even more fascinating was how it appeared that Danny had cleaned it all in preparation for Josh and I crashing.

“These sheets smell clean,” I noted, bending down to sniff one of the pillows as Josh flopped right back onto the bed, totally unencumbered by anything and everything. I looked back up and around at the walls, zeroing in on the portion of the wall that was filled with pictures of friends and family. Lots of Sam and Danny together, of course. 

“Daniel’s a good boy,” Josh said, stretching out luxuriously in his green and white outfit. Against the brown and green knit throw blanket beneath him, he sort of looked like a flower sprouting from the ground. “He wouldn’t want us sleeping on his dirty sheets.” He rolled onto his side and patted the bed. “Come here, angel.”

“Let me finish this first,” I said, unwrapping my last cupcake. I stood in front of the photo wall, looking over each one as I ate. I was feeling more tired than drunk at that point and my next glance at Danny’s bed made sleep even more tempting. But the look on Josh’s face told me sleep wasn’t coming so soon.

I switched the light off and sat down to get my heels off. “We really shouldn’t fool around on his bed, Josh,” I told my fiance, who merely crawled to me and draped himself over my back.

“Why not? He wouldn’t mind.”

I laughed loudly. “Josh! I bet he would if he knew. Would you want any of them fucking in our bed?”

“Who cares? Sex is sex.”

“So that’s what you’ve been thinking about on your trip.” 

“A little. More as the night has gone on,” Josh told me, shifting back so I could meet him in the middle of the bed. “We’ll throw the bedding in the wash before he even wakes up.” 

No doubt Josh knew I wasn’t going to argue. I didn’t really want to. I just didn’t want to scar poor Danny. “What else have you been thinking about? It’s kind of weird when you get so quiet.”

“This has been an introspective experience.” Josh laid down and brought me with him; I rested my head on his chest and wrapped my arm around him. “I know we couldn’t really see the stars out there but whenever I looked up, I could see them.” He sighed happily and began to stroke my shoulder. “Darling, I swear I could see Andromeda and Perseus. It was amazing.” He laughed softly then. “And I could see Hercules in the fire, believe it or not, wielding his golden mace through hell.”

“Wow.” I unbuttoned his shirt enough to slide my hand in, wanting to feel the warmth of his skin. “That sounds incredible.”

“I was thinking a lot, of course. About all of us. About the wedding. But mostly about all of us.” 

“I love that. Everyone’s having such a good time tonight.” I tilted my head up to kiss his chin. “Thanks for helping put this all together. I love you.”

Josh smiled and held me closer. “I love you too.” Suddenly quick as lightning, he pushed me onto my back and climbed on top, hitching my dress up to my hips. “Now–about all that sex I was thinking of.”

Although Josh was always all-consuming, my mind couldn’t help but wander a bit. “Do you think Bev and Sam are gonna hook up again tonight?” 

“Maybe,” Josh said, hands wandering down to my thighs. “Danny might cockblock them. Unintentionally.”

“Or intentionally.” I rested my hands on Josh’s waist. “What about Jake and Jane?”

“I know you’re wishing for that to happen,” Josh said. His fingers were tugging gently at my tights. “And I think it might, but perhaps not tonight. Not with everyone else around.”

I couldn’t see how it wouldn’t happen regardless of the house being full, but I gave up on voicing anything else when Josh started to actually paw at my tights in an effort to get them off. Before he could rip them, I pulled them down and he finished the job, tearing away the ridiculous obstacle with a bubbly laugh. I got his shirt unbuttoned and off, then I was pawing at his bare skin, beckoning him back down. I couldn’t see a whole lot in the dark but I could feel him, all smooth and warm, his body growing even hotter with each second we went on touching one another. 

“You can’t sleep in that thing,” Josh said and I saw his silhouette gesturing at my dress. “Let me get it off you.” I shrugged out of my cardigan as I sat up, then let him unzip the dress enough for me to slide it down and off. I thought of Danny again–the poor guy could probably assume this is what Josh and I were doing, but still. 

“Get these pants off,” I instructed, grabbing Josh’s bulge.

He huffed, then giggled, and unbuttoned and unzipped. I sat up against the headboard when he hopped off me to get fully undressed, watching his shadowed figure move so swiftly. “Done,” he announced with a flourish of his arms outstretched just for a moment, then he was crawling back over me, capturing my face in his hands. Our sequence of increasingly heated kisses and needy touches led to Josh maneuvering to his feet, taking me with him by my hips and bending me over the edge of the bed. 

“Really?” I asked with a rough laugh of surprise. “This seems especially raunchy for Danny’s bed.”

Josh chuckled as he pulled my underwear down and pressed himself against me. “It’ll save his bedding from getting too sweaty, I think.” I felt his lips touch my shoulder while he rubbed his erection between my thighs. “Besides, I think this position feels the best for both of us.”

“Oh?” I quipped, my voice suddenly rising with Josh sliding into me. It did feel exceptionally good with him plastered to my backside and the extra-tight squeeze of my heat around him. 

“Talk about seeing stars,” Josh muttered.

I tried to be as quiet as I could; meanwhile, Josh couldn’t have cared less. He was as vocal as ever, or perhaps even more thanks to the last threads of his trip buzzing through him, moaning against the back of my neck, softly uttering praise and pleas in my ear. By the time we’d both finished, with me biting my lip to keep myself silent and my legs shaking, my body begging to be laid back down, I was sure the entire house had heard him.

I collapsed onto the bed, getting onto my side and pulling the blanket up over both of us as Josh joined me. “My god, Joshua,” I scolded, still panting. “They’re all fucking mortified I bet.”

“We’re all adults,” Josh replied with a contented sigh, cuddling up against me. “They can handle some love-making noises for one night.”

“Poor Danny,” I lamented futilely, hoping he wasn’t scarred for life after that.

-

In the morning, no one gave me any grief, but Sam immediately went in on Josh about his vocal performance. 

“You should join our band,” he chided, slapping his hands onto Josh’s shoulders while my fiance tried to eat his eggs. Sam was standing behind him, looking way too pleased with himself for hearing us. “Those pipes, Josh!”

I had to walk away from it. I went to the kitchen where Danny was waiting for his toast and felt more embarrassment creep up, which apparently was written all over my face because he laughed and shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it,” he told me, opening a drawer and pulling out a butter knife. “It’s–um. It’s not something I didn’t expect.”

“It’s gross,” I replied sharply, but he just laughed again. “Are you sure you don’t care?”

“Josh put the sheets in the washing machine already. What are you gonna do?”

“Not screw around in my friend’s beds.” I sighed but gave up on shaming myself any further. If Danny didn’t care, that was that. As I watched him butter the toast, I had to ask, “So how did it go with Sam and Bev? I feel bad you all ended up in one bed.” At Danny’s slight and sudden rise of eyebrows, I added, “Unless it was a good thing?”

“Um–” Danny began and then, as if on cue, Bev paraded into the kitchen.

“Are you kidding? Those two spooned all night,” she declared and Danny’s face instantly turned bright pink.

“Who?” I asked, morning and hangover brain still keeping me slow. “Sam and Danny?”

“Oh my god, leave me alone,” Danny mumbled, scurrying out of the kitchen with his plate in hand.

“Yeah. They are total lovebirds,” Bev remarked, excitedly unlocking her phone and poking at the screen. “I took a picture.”

“Bev!” Apparently my birthday involved lots of scolding. “You can’t do that.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I already sent it to both of them and I’m not sending it to anyone else.” She chuckled, grinning as she showed me the snapshot of Sam and Danny indeed spooning, the blanket half off their bodies, with Danny shockingly being the little spoon. “Well, besides you.”

“God. They look so serene,” I observed, genuinely finding it adorable that Sam had his arm wrapping around Danny’s middle, keeping him close. “I mean, I could have guessed but I still figured you and Sam–”

Bev was still chuckling, giving the picture one last look before she locked her phone. “I think it’s cute. But man, Danny is a fucking furnace. I should have moved to the couch.”

That didn’t surprise me. “What about Jake and Jane?” I asked, then looked around as if they would also suddenly materialize. “Where even are they?”

“They’re out on the deck canoodling,” Bev told me. “She told me they didn’t fuck, but they did make out and get handsy. I think they were both way more drunk than they were letting on and, you know, whiskey dick and all.”

I groaned. “Alright, cool. Well, I love that.” I went to the stove to get some of the leftover scrambled eggs for myself. “I think they make a cute couple. Maybe even cuter than Sam and Danny.”

Bev laughed. “Never.” 

---

Tagging: @jjwasneverhere @bizzielisteningtogreta @clairesjointshurt @sparrowofrhiannon @starbuggie @lightsofthe-living-gvf

If you'd like to be tagged in any of my fics you can DM me or go here :)

[kierancampire]

I just wanna preemptively say, I feel like my messages seem a lil manipulative and shitty, but they weren't intended that way and I was going through a lot at the time

It's been 4 years now since Nathan left. 4 years of being trapped with demons and going through a repeated suffering. It was just shit after shit, my family kicked me out May 2018, Kirsty put me through hell and kicked me out March 2019, I got with Nathan in late 2019, he left me in February 2020, Covid happened, found out nan had cancer early 2020, Anthony late 2020, nan died February 2021, I moved here late 2021 and started a process of hell. Then throughout all of this a lot of shit was going on with neighbours, systems, policies, people, catfishing, stalking, fights, financial issues, so much more

I think a part of a reason I have gained weight, let my teeth rot and decay, and have otherwise neglected myself is because I want to seem undesirable, it's also easier to blame it all on those excuses of why I can't get with anyone. It's been 4 years since he left, yet I have felt no desire to date again, I haven't wanted to let anyone in or close to me again, I still can't touch my own body, and I avoid and dread so many things still, I still haven't been able to touch The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Valentine's, especially Build-A-Bear Valentine's stuff just hurts to see still

For quite a while now I've really just stopped talking to people again, I had one friend I always spoke to even if I spoke to no one else, yet even him I have not been speaking to, and thinking on it, I blamed it all on housing stress when I moved here, but really it started with Nathan. I don't want to let him rule or dictate my life forever, but I don't exactly have a good track record of ex's, and I just don't want another Nathan, I mean, no one could do what Nathan did considering he took what I can never get back, but someone else could do similar and that's what I'm scared of

Something I haven't ever really spoken about, but during our relationship Nathan started choking me during sexual activity, either with his hand or he'd tie things around my throat. He never asked if I liked it, I didn't, he just did it one day and never stopped. I think that's why I remember that one time more vividly than the rest, because he started with him slamming me against the door by my throat, and then when he chucked me onto the bed and jumped on top of me so I couldn't escape, it was like he was suffocating my whole body instead of just my throat

My first sexual assault was by Dave, and initially it hurt and upset me, but it wasn't overtly traumatising or felt like it took a lot from me, it was just a shitty thing that sucked. But since Nathan and his repeated SA, and this big consent issue with full penetration, Dave's has always suddenly felt much worse. Another thing I have spoken little of, if at all, when Nathan suddenly sprung this break up on me, knowing how violated he made me feel, he asked if we could have sex one final time before he left, then asked again when I said no the first time. Even after leaving me and hurting me so extensively, he wanted to use my body one final time for his own pleasure

It's been 4 years to the day, yet it doesn't feel like it, it all feels so much more recent than 4 years. I do hope one day I don't keep suffering under this all, reliving it, feeling their parts in my hands, the anger, the shame, the disgust, the betrayal. But at the moment, it's all just still what I feel. I have seen he's got with someone new and all I want to do is scream at that person to run and tell them to leave him, but I know that even if I contacted this new boyfriend, he wouldn't listen. I just hope Nathan doesn't do to him what he did to me. He's clearly moved on, I have no idea if he even thinks of me still, if he gets off on the memories of violating me, or if he just forgot me and has moved on to his next target. But it's been 4 years since he left and I can still not let go or move on from what he did, and I think at least a part of me never will, he took a part of me that's frozen in time. I've been struggling with a depression phase again recently, and I think it's just cause around this time I was violated one final time, in a way that I can't even say was rape cause technically I consented to it, then he left, and it's still hard for me. Then in roughly 3 weeks it will be 3 years since nan died, my first real major death

[loveonlyoncesims]

LOO Replies

Anonymous said: What book is this comic from? You said its a book?

Yes, it is a book: “Love Only Once” is a regency novel by Johanna Lindsey. It’s the first book in the Malory Saga. I mention this in my side-bar info as well.

Anonymous said: Your pictures are dark. I can’t see what’s going on. Sometimes the man is light and sometimes dark.

1. Sorry about that, yes, some older pictures turned out darker than I intended. I’m trying out different options constantly to see what works better in my current chapter. 2. Are you reading this from your tumblr feed, or from the actually loveonlyonce tumblr page? Because from the tumblr feed, your tumblr color scheme/ custom settings will affect the readability. For example: seeing the page on a white background will make it darker than it is, because the white around it kinda blinds you, whether you realize it or not. The actual LOO tumblr has a dark color scheme, which is easier on the eyes. 3. If you’re talking about the current chapter (4)... they’re outdoor night-shots, which are always harder to do. Add the Regency period with candle-light and it’s even worse. The horse race was hard, because parks didn’t have lights. In the street shots the two men are walking past streetlamps, so they will be in-shadow and in-light constantly. That is intentional.

Anonymous said: Hi, I love love love your posing and the use of the horses. They are in different poses in every shot, like they’re really moving. Are you wcif friendly? Where did you get the poses on the horses? Love Kirstie.

Hiya Kirstie, thank you for your kind words. I am wcif friendly, yes. I make the poses for this comic myself. These are a part of my unreleased “Horse Gentleman” Posebox. I will eventually set up a downloads page for the stuff I make for the comic.

[the--highlanders]

I'm gonna go ahead and assume that your wip tag game post (from *checks notes* November 27th? god help me) isn't necessarily current any more, but take this ask as an invitation to talk about/post a little snip of anything that still is a wip if you happen to feel like it!

gfkjlds I wasn't expecting things to have changed that much bc I have a terrible habit of going 'omg I want to write that' [dumping a few notes in a draft] 'wait I want to write something else'. I'm not a wip abandoner in the sense of never finishing anything, bc I'm still putting out the same amount of fic, & once I've actually started writing I tend not to abandon stuff, but I do leave a trail of ignored ideas in my wake ajhfklsdg.

but!! I have actually posted three things from that list since I posted it (tell me you love me, come back and haunt me (which became litany for a reunion), the one about jamie patching ben up, and the one which was a first sentence of zoe being woken up) & am working on a fourth for next fortnight (the post-phantom piper one). so!! call that progress ig

you know what I'm going to talk about the one I had down as [two in 6b on a mission in 1745 where he bumps into jamie;. apparently I am so so so addicted to rotating post-war games fics. they're spilling out of my pockets. & honestly we might have talked about this one??

the idea was two being sent on some sort of mission in 6b that takes him to the highlands, and quite coincidentally bumping into jamie. and jamie recognises him, and figures out that something must be up, but he's not had enough of his memories bleed through to trust two, so he starts following him around more out of suspicion than anything. two's trying to complete his mission and get out of there as soon as possible because he REALLY doesn't want the pain and guilt of hanging around with jamie when he doesn't remember him at all. but obviously they end up having to work together, neither of them can really help it :'))

the way I've planned it out doesn't. exactly have a happy ending, to say the least. and I don't really want to spoil it here bc if I ever do write it, I think it'd be a gut punch. so just know that it may or may not be coming :^)

ALSO speaking of post-war games fics I do want to share this little plotting snippet from a different document (the one for the sequel to old ghost's waltz), bc I am so insane about it but haven't actually plucked up the courage to start writing this fic yet. so hey, here's a glimpse of the way I plan my fics ig!!

[mairead] sits down and says she might feel better if she knew more about what had happened; she asks kirsty to tell her about the doctor, and then asks if jamie is in love with him, with the air of already knowing the answer is yes; kirsty is hesitant to throw jamie under the bus by saying yes outright, so she asks 'how did ye know?'; mairead says that soon after jamie came back from the war, she had given him her wedding ring, saying he would have more use for it than her, and that jamie had seemed very emotional about it and had said he would give it to the person he loved; she looks kirsty dead in the eye and says 'and I've never seen you wear it'; kirsty just nods, and then says mairead seems very calm about it; mairead scoffs and says it wasn't entirely unexpected; she pauses, then lets out a shaky laugh and says 'the fact that he's a faery man was a surprise, though'

like god I NEED to write mairead and kirsty having a very emotionally charged and stilted conversation about jamie having left them behind. I've been chewing over this one for ages now

actually this made me realise that I only have one more section left to plot out for this fic and then I'll be out of excuses for not writing it aghfsdld.

[raynertodd]

Life update: I bought a house!

[survey--s]

539.

What was the last liquid that you choked on? Probably coffee.

Did you or have you had sex with the last person you slept with in bed? We’ve had sex, but we didn’t the last time we shared a bed.

When you sign your name do you use your middle name? No, just my first initial and surname.

Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? Outside on the bath mat as I can’t reach the towels from the shower lol.

Was your last kiss initiated by you or the other person? I honestly don’t remember.

Whan getting dressed do you put your pants or shirt on first? Normally pants but generally whatever is closest.

Who was the last person you saw totally naked? Mike.

Is your toilet paper on the right or left side of the toilet? On the left as you sit down.

Name all the cards that you carry in your wallet. Zero. I just carry my bank card in the car and that’s about it. I don’t really need ID for anything else.

Do you use a handrail on stairs if there is one? Sure.

What is your favorite drinking game? I’m not really into drinking games.

Do you have any tattoos that you don't like anymore? No.

Who was the last person to sleep in your bed? Mike.

Do you have a shower curtain or door? We have a screen - our shower is over the bath so it’s just like a glass screen that goes alongside the bath if that makes sense.

Who was the last person from your high school graduating class you saw? I couldn’t even tell you. I have no desire to ever see any of them lol.

Favorite farm animal? Pygmy goats, for sure. I look after some occasionally for a client and they are SO cute and love a cuddle lol.

Have you ever been sedated or put under anesthesia? No.

Have any of your friends ever cheated on somebody? Sure.

How many instruments do you own/have you owned? Uh, various keyboards, a recorder, a cornet and a guitar. I think that’s it.

Do you own or rent your home? We have a mortgage.

If you have a significant other, how old were you when you first met them? Twenty six.

Have you ever felt like you were someone’s rebound? Yeah.

Who is the first person who broke your heart? HIs name was Joshua.

Who would you want to be the flower girl at your wedding? I didn’t have or want a flower girl.

Do you know anyone with a service dog? No.

Who is the most important person in your life (besides yourself)? My husband and my parents.

If you have pets, are any of them rescues from shelters? Purrlock is a rescue but not from a shelter. Toby was a farm kitten and Archie was from a breeder.

When was the last time you talked to your most recent ex? About two years ago.

When was the last time you kissed someone who was younger than you? A long time ago.

Would you have sex with someone of the same gender as you? Yeah.

Were you born with hair on your head? Yeah, I was quite a hairy baby lol.

Would you rather have a home birth or hospital birth? I don’t want ANY kind of birth thank you. Pregnancy and babies really freak me out lol.

Who were your best friends in high school? Becca, Kirsty, Linnet, Agnes, Jimmi.

Have you ever dated a twin? Nope.

What was the last food or drink you made for someone else? I have no idea. I don’t really ever make food for other people.

Have you ever auditioned for something? What was it, and how did it go? Yeah, school plays and stuff. I always got in.

Have you ever seen your ex’s new partner? If so, what do you think of them? Yeah, we were friends so I mean, she’s nice enough but I feel horrendously sorry for her being saddled with him lol.

What was the last piece of candy you ate? A Tunnocks teacake if that counts.

When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? I sleep with a stuffed animal everynight and no, people should just do what they want IMO. It’s nobody else’s business.

Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. It’s a neat idea though.

Who was the last friend you saw, and what did you do together? Susie - we went for coffee with the dogs.

Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else’s dreams? Random dogs I walk, clients and friends/family. I don’t really think about other people’s dreams, to be honest.

What is something you do to feel better when you’re scared? Comfort watch my favourite TV shows.

Do you have someone who is protective of you (father, brother, etc.)? Nope, thankfully not. That would really bug me tbh.

Where was the last place you went, that you hadn’t been to before? Err I really couldn’t tell you.

When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? Again, I couldn’t tell you.

Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? No. Thankfully I’ve never needed to.

Describe the last thing you reblogged? How many posts do you tend to reblog during a day? I don’t reblog stuff on here.

Whose house did you visit last? Ollie’s. Ollie is a dog lol.

Have you ever played Geoguessr? Yeah. I was absolutely rubbish at it lol.

What is your favorite way to eat chicken?  I love chicken goujons.

What style of pizza do you prefer (thin crust, stuffed crust, deep dish, Detroit style, etc)? Stuffed crust or Italian.

Can you see your favorite animal from where you are sitting? (on an article of clothing, a figurine, a stuffed animal, etc...maybe even alive?) I can see a beagle painting.

What was the last celebrity gossip you got sucked into? I have no idea, I don’t really follow that kinda thing.

Do you own any merch from concerts/comedy shows/broadway shows, etc? No.

What was the last bug you killed? I don’t remember, a spider.

Who is your favorite Star Wars character? I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie in my life.

What kind of cheese do you put on your sandwiches? It depends on the sandwich.

Who was the last person to give you a gift? Errr, I don’t remember.

If there was a real Jurassic Park, would you visit it? YES. Absolutely. Not gonna lie, it really sucks that that isn’t a thing lol.

[dillydedalus]

for the book asks: 3, 4, 11, 12, 16!

3. what were your top 5 books of the year? i feel like i had a kinda solid-to-good reading year where everything is p good but few things really stand out so this list is cheating a lil

1. JJEU (james joyce extended universe): rereads so they shouldn't count BUT by far my favourite reading experience of the whole year was reading ulysses (novel of all time) along with burgess's book on joyce & frank delaney's lovely lovely lovely podcast re:joyce (& a bunch of other stuff). also i'm pivoting from portrait to ulysses but stephen is still my babygirl. i haven't finished finnegans wake yet but we don't talk about that. 2. palliser/parliamentary series, anthony trollope. technically read half of these last year. i don't think this series is as consistent as barsetshire but it's also in some ways more interesting (especially re: women). but like i'm mainly here for silly soapy victorian comfort reading about thee #1 iconic girlboss/malewife couple of all time, lady glencora & planty 'most principled & delicate of men' pal (blorbo from my books) 3. solitud, víctor català. no freedom as wide-reaching & no captivity as total as the catalonian mountains (& being a woman, but that's mainly column b). don't remember this in great detail but remember loving the landscape writing & interiority of main character mila. 4. games without rules: the often interrupted history of afghanistan, tamim ansary. just a really good, compelling history of afghanistan that i enjoyed & learned a lot from. 5. broken earth trilogy, n.k. jemisin. everyone in the SFFsphere already knows this series rocks but yeah it really really does. also it allowed me to be a [redacted] truther & be right which is always fun.

4. did you discover any new authors that you love this year? i've had jo walton on my radar for a while but she literally wrote a book (tooth&claw) that can only be described as 'trollope but everyone's a dragon' bc trollope pissed her off so much. i love trollope obviously but that's valid & it was fun, so i shall read more from her. i also had a lot of fun with t. kingfisher's nettle & bone so i will be reading more from her as well.

11. what was your favourite book that has been out for a while, that you just now read? 'out for a while' is so broad how do i even answer this. the posthumous memoirs of brás cubas by machado de assis has been out long enough to become a newly rediscovered gem several times over and it is genuinely a lot of fun (& much shorter than tristram shandy) so that's one

12. any books that disappointed you? the undercurrents by kirsty bell combines memoir and the history of berlin through one specific building next to landwehrkanal (where the author lived for a while) & there's some interesting stuff in it but also the memoir parts feature a lot of complaining about how her altbau apartment (which she owns) is too big & has bad vibes and leaking pipes bc of historical trauma or whatever & sorry but in this economy???

16. what is the most over-hyped book you read this year? cursed bunny by bora chang (tr. anton hur) is a fine if not especially memorable collection of short stories. it's fine - *single pistol shot*

[whatilistenedtoatwork]

From October 2nd to October 5th, 2023

02-10-23

THE FALL “The Wonderful And Frightening World Of The Fall”; WILLIE NELSON “Red Headed Stranger”; ROY ELDRIDGE & DIZZY GILLESPIE “Roy & Diz #2”; BUTTHOLE SURFERS “Locust Abortion Technician”; JASON FORREST “The Unrelenting Songs Of The 1979 Post Disco Crash”; PLANXTY “After The Break”; CURTIS MAYFIELD “Curtis”; SCOTT BRADLEE’S POSTMODERN JUKEBOX “BACK When They Called It Music: The 90’s, Vol. 1”; RAY CHARLES “The Genius Of Ray Charles”; SUM 41 “All Killer No Filler”; BAD RELIGION “No Control”; LOU REED “Transformer”; JOHN LENON “Imagine”; DIZZY GILLESPIE “Dizzy Gillespie At Newport”; QUINCY JONES “Big Band Bossa Nova”; R.E.M. “Reckoning”;  EDGUY “Mandrake”

03-10-23

SINEAD O’CONNOR “Universal Mother”; DRAKE “Nothing Was The Same”; SHACKLETON “Three EPs”; DIZZY GILLESPIE “World Statesman”; ANTHONY MANNING “Islets In Pink Polypropylene”; THE FALL “Perverted By Language”; GOODIE MOB “Soul Food”; SEPULTURA “Beneath The Remains”; BO DIDDLEY “Have Guitar Will Travel”; SKYCLAD “Irrational Anthems”; REUBEN WILSON “On Broadway”; THE DESCENDENTS “Everything Sucks”; DAVE “PSYCHODRAMA”;

04-10-23

LUOMO “Vocalcity”; OLIVIA RODRIGO “SOUR”; OUTKAST “Speakerboxxx”; SONIC YOUTH “Dirty”; ELLA FITZGERALD “Ella Fitzgerald Sings The Rodgers & Hart Songbook”; CHUCK BERRY “Rockin’ At The Hops”; MODEST MOUSE “This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About”; AROVANE “Tides”; PET SHOP BOYS “Behaviour”; KIRSTY MacCOLL “Galore”

05-10-23

BOLA “Soup”; LUTHER VANDROSS “Give Me The Reason”; BO DIDDLEY “Bo Diddley Is A Lover”; MERCURY REV “Boces”; SCOTT BRADLEE’S POTMODERN JUKEBOX “The Essentials”; THE NATONAL “Boxer”; BUTTHOLE SURFERS “Psychic… Powerless… Another Man’s Sac”; BON IVER “For Emma, Forever Ago”; CHUCK BERRY “Fresh Berry’s”; RAY CHARES “Modern Sounds In Country & Western”; THE PASTELS “Illumination”; EXODUS “Fabulous Disaster”; FOUR TET “Pause”; THE WONDER STUFF “Construction For The Modern Idiot”; TALKING HEADS “More Songs About Buildings And Food”; JANELE MONAE “Metropolis: The Chase Suite”; PIXIES “Doolittle”

[just-my-type-x]

I hope that one day Brads girlfriend/wife can have the same relationship with us fans like Kirstie does, it was brilliant yesterday when she did a live on Instagram from the Singapore , relaying live footage to us watching of the gig and talking to us about just general girly stuff like lip balm etc, we were all giving her encouragement, no hostility .

I really hope for that too. It's gonna be something amazing seeing fans not go at her throat

And Kirstie is an angel 🥺

[with-love-from-love]

the desire jellyfish

“Current-borne, wave-flung, tugged hugely by the whole might of ocean, the jellyfish drifts in the tidal abyss. The light shines through it, and the dark enters it. Borne, flung, tugged from anywhere to anywhere, for in the deep sea there is no compass but nearer and farther, higher and lower, the jellyfish hangs and sways; pulses move slight and quick within it, as the vast diurnal pulses beat in the moondriven sea. Hanging, swaying, pulsing, the most vulnerable and insubstantial creature, it has for its defense the violence and power of the whole ocean, to which it has entrusted its being, its going, and its will.

But here rise the stubborn continents. The shelves of gravel and the cliffs of rock break from water baldly into air, that dry, terrible outerspace of radiance and instability, where there is no support for life. And now, now the currents mislead and the waves betray, breaking their endless circle, to leap up in loud foam against rock and air, breaking....

What will the creature made all of seadrift do on the dry sand of daylight; what will the mind do, each morning, waking?”

(Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven)

Here I am once more, flooding your inbox with my deranged ramblings. Sometimes I feel so ashamed of myself, and I know that is an exercise in self obsession. I need to learn how to simultaneously listen to myself more, and learn how to disregard my internal darkness, my selfish desires of flesh. What would it even mean to be perfect, to be flawless, would anyone even want that. I think in our constant unchanging effort to achieve “good” and “happy” lives, we miss the fact that pain is not our enemy, in fact, she is our dear friend. Time makes absolutely no sense to me, how could I possibly forget all the lessons that I taught myself already? That instead of looking for answers, I should look for more questions. The question, the answer, you who are reading this, and me, writing this, we are all dreams, dreamt by something old, something long ago, yet also sometime in the future, sometime outside this place we inhabit. I constantly feel just like that jellyfish, encapsulating the dark and the light, moved by the whim of the ocean, our mother. I went to the beach this month, I teared up, tears for that reclamation of lost girlhood. I let the ocean pull me, breathe me in, and I felt so safe, knowing that she could take me back, without cause, without effort. 

“The flawlessly beautiful were flawlessly happy, weren’t they? To Kirsty this had always seemed self-evident. Tonight, however, the alcohol made her wonder if envy hadn’t blinded her. Perhaps to be flawless was another kind of sadness.”

(Clive Barker, The Hellbound Heart)

Desire is inherently brimming with shame. Desire should not be shameful, so much of it comes from our humanity, our joy of connection, our dark love of pain and degradation. Shame is a prison, a terrible box we are placed in by people who are supposed to love us. I think that shame is inflicted on us, often by people in our own communities. In my experience, we, the dolls, love to cringe at each other, we revel in it. I think, like all things, this originates because of many nuanced factors, but at the end of the day, we all have that darkness, that desire to be accepted, to be a part of the in-group, pointing and laughing at those whose behavior we deem unacceptable. I am, without a doubt, very guilty of this. God this “newsletter” is just turning into a way for me to process my various sins. I'm trying not to engage in too much self hatred or self love, both are tipping the scales of narcissism, and I need to focus more on where these things meet. 

Why is it considered “cringe” for a trans woman to just talk about her experiences, her life. I think often we intentionally avoid being the trans girl who talks about trans girl stuff, so as not to make the cis world uncomfortable or alienated. In my mind, this is pointless. You could really get down and dirty, and just say everything we do is cringe, because everything we do is fueled by desire, and I would argue that desire is inherently cringe. We’re so unbelievably cucked by cynicism. The act of showing genuine care, genuine excitement, genuine curiosity, has somehow been twisted by anti-intellectualism. And yeah, taste is pretty inextricably linked to class, but it’s the ruling class that has decided art should be literal and uncomplicated, that complex ideas, emotions, themes, are merely an inconvenience to you, and you should focus on serious things. The life of a doll, how I see my life, the life of anyone really, should be like a poem, an abstract painting, a song that makes you joyful, just as easily as it makes you cry. After all, it is cold in the water, there is no sense in abandoning that reality. 

I’m reminded of the second truth of Buddhism. In college I took a bunch of classes on Buddhism, (cringe) and I’m reminiscing on the various ways in which those philosophies affected my life. The second truth seeks to determine the route of human suffering, Buddhists believe it lies in desire and ignorance. Desire, meaning the craving of pleasure, material goods, and immortality, and ignorance being the dissonance of seeing the world not as it truly is, thus breeding envy, greed, hatred, and anger. Now, obviously I am not a scholar of any kind, I am a trashy, transsexual weirdo with a neck tattoo, but I do have an issue with this philosophy. On the part of ignorance, I agree, but I think the denial of desire is rooted in a denial of the self, and of course, the self is a selfish attachment in the tenants of Buddhism. So yes, desire does bring about suffering, but I would argue that suffering, pain, sadness, are not necessarily bad. In fact I would argue that the pursuit of a life with no suffering is pointless and foolish. 

And did you know desire's a terrible thing

The worst that I could find

And did you know desire's a terrible thing

But I rely on mine

Did you know desire's a terrible thing

It makes the world go blind

But if desire, desire's a terrible thing

You know that I really don't mind

And it's my life

And though I can't be sure what I want any more

It will come to me later

Well it's my life, and it's my life

And though I can't be sure if I want any more

It will come to me later, ah, yeah

(The Sundays, Can’t Be Sure)

Having sexual proclivities, unconventional interests, or really any deviation from what the straight cis world defines as “normal” is central to our experiences. I don’t want to feel shame, I don’t want to cringe at myself, but my mind has been irrevocably scarred by friends, family, media, art, and fucking Maury Povich. So much of my early understanding of trans identity centered around pity, disgust, humiliation, and fear. I heard this term recently, “humilitainment,” and I can’t lie and say I don’t have this innate fear, that the only reason anyone engages with my work is because, secretly, they are laughing at me. I must conquer this fear however, because it is founded in self obsession. After all, making art is a journey of self reflection, of self refraction. I am not the same person I was yesterday, I am not the same person I was when I started writing this journal, we must all be in a constant state of metamorphosis. 

“Sometimes a person starts out resistant but then opens up, or realizes that they are confusing their past with their present, or that they are simply afraid of change. Sometimes one party can see clearly into the future while the other’s vision is obscured by unresolved but ancient experiences. Sometimes someone needs to be courted. Sometimes one party has the wrong impression of the other person, cannot see their gifts”

“While unrecovered trauma is so often a prison of inflexibility, some people do have choices about how to respond. And someone else might make that shift possible by daring to imagine what to us may feel unimaginable. Which can be love.”

(Sarah Schulman, Conflict Is Not Abuse)

I rewatched a couple of movies that have always been very impactful to me this month, and I noticed that these two movies are somewhat a reflection of each other. Andrei Tarkovsky’s 1979 film Stalker, and Alex Garland’s 2018 film Annihilation. Both movies are so steeped in metaphor, and I think they both reflect our desire to understand what is ultimately incomprehensible. How can we ever hope to really grasp our trauma? Why do we spend so much time running from our pain, being  suffocated by our mistakes? What do we lose when we refuse to submit to nature, the natural process of all things? Immortality is plastic, it is hard and unchanging, it is the companion of death, her strange relative. 

“I didn’t know what going back meant, why would it be safer than going forward?”

(Annihilation)

(Stalker)

“I knew there’d be a lot of sorrow, but I’d rather know bittersweet happiness…than a gray uneventful life. Perhaps I invented all this later, but when he came up to me and said ‘come with me’ I went. And I’ve never regretted it. Never. There was a lot of grief, and fear and pain, but I’ve never regretted it, nor envied anyone. It’s just fate. It’s life. It’s us. And if there were no sorrow in our lives, it wouldn’t be better. It would be worse. Because then there would be no happiness either. And there’d be no hope. So…”

(Stalker)

“The mutations were subtle at first. More extreme as we grew closer to the lighthouse. Corruptions of form. Duplicates of form. Echoes.” 

“Is it possible these were hallucinations?”

“I wondered that myself. But they were shared among all of us. It was dreamlike.”

“Nightmarish?”

“Not always. Sometimes it was beautiful.”

(Annihilation)

Our refusal to submit, to be pliable and ever changing, will be our death. We can never return to the people we once were, in fact, it is vital that we don’t. We must be ourselves refracted, light through a prism, that becomes something new, something equally as terrifying as it is beautiful. 

I really want to share a poem I wrote this month, but I want to make it clear that it features some very triggering imagery. I normally wouldn’t include a warning like this, but my intention is not to shock or cause pain to anyone.

Let me be insect

Am I human? Am I insect? Am I fragile bone and delicious flesh? Am I chrysalis? Crystal, glistening exoskeleton. I am woman, by ancient, eldritch design. I am desiccated, disintegrating. I am wrapped in every golden web. I am dinner for every spider, I am fodder for every knife held by my sisters. I am debris, seaweed, broken sand dollar. I am penance. I am forgiveness. I am self flagellation, I am selfish. I am hungry, attention seeking whore! A ripe candidate for the devil. A fruit tree in her garden. Pluck me! Pluck me! I will scream, pluck me, devour me, it’s what I’m here for isn’t it, I say through my tears. I look up at goddess. Did you put me here simply to rot on this branch, to fall, to bruise, to be deemed a sunken cost. To melt into the earth, to give in to her strong hands, to give in to strangulation. Please, please, tell me I’m worthless, tell me I’m nothing. Tell me I am just yours to play with. Yours to use how you see fit. Make me fucking beg. I can be chameleon, I can be change. I can be what you want, your desire, your darkness. Your cutting board. I can be your mother, your teacher, the attention you believe the world owes you, your outlet for misery and dissatisfaction. I promise I love it. I promise I love it. We can let the stagnation of summer give way to the yearning of fall, the ache of winter, the titillation of springtime. You could kiss me in the rain, then tell me you never want to kiss me again. I could fall on your sword, tip piercing my breast, and I could pull myself closer. It’s what you want, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Oh please tell me, don’t leave me in stasis. Don’t freeze my cocoon, forced to stew forever in my plasma. Let me refract, let me be prism, shifting light to color, to energy. I can be butterfly, wings with painted skulls. Let me be ugly, I know it’s truth. Let me be perfect, I know it’s fallacy, it’s supremacy is shattered, like glass rubbed against my softening skin. Let me fucking bleed out on the dirty carpet, don’t help me, the only way you could help me, is if you watched, and enjoyed it. Am I human? Am I insect? Am I to be used, or to use. Am I to kill? Am I to take away? Am I to give? To grow seeds in my belly. To succumb to plastic. To be nothing but mirror. A mirror I am trapped behind, my lungs hoarse from unheard screams.  

For those of you that didn’t feel the desire to read this poem, I weirdly found a meme after I wrote it that pretty much sums it up perfectly, a moment of digital synchronicity, a strange message from the algorithms that control my life. 

I have been writing so much more, more than I have since I was small. A month or so ago, I found some old notebooks of mine from elementary and middle school. I was so surprised to see all the ways I expressed myself creatively when I was young and how, the older I got, the stories and the drawings, the beauty, gave way to a terrible darkness, a refusal of myself. Page after page of uncertainty. I want to understand the benefits of pain, of desire, but I have to recognize my own failings to understand joy. 

“The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain. If you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em. If it hurts, repeat it. But to praise despair is to condemn delight, to embrace violence is to lose hold of everything else. We have almost lost hold; we can no longer describe a happy man, nor make any celebration of joy. How can I tell you about the people of Omelas?”

(Ursula K. Le Guin, The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas)

So, I don’t want to lose hold, I want to hold on, and I think the best way for me to hold on is to continue creating, to not fall into the trap of blindly embracing the company of despair. I started writing a story, I’m so fucking excited about it, I don’t have much yet, and I’m still very much learning who the characters are, and how the narrative will progress, but it has filled me with so much joy. The story has a lot of darkness, a reflection of my own feelings, but creating a world, a place, that is only accessible through a little doorway in my mind is honestly a fucking trip. I started taking a writing course this month. I got to hear from an author whose work I really admire. I am filled with so many ideas, thoughts of talking bugs and cats that know your future. 

Exploring mediums has always been my favorite way of engaging with my heart, and creating art has always represented my future, a way for me to make sense of the bizarre places I find myself in. Not only that, but a way for me to connect, to share myself with other people, I got to do a bunch of tattoos this month and I’m so happy with all of them. The best part was that they were all trades I did with my friends, except for one, but that one was still done on an old friend, so I’d consider it to be just as sentimental. It just makes me so happy, to stimulate creativity in a way that joins people, that brings me closer to people I care for. Obviously you could argue this will lead to a hedgehog's dilemma, the closer we get, the more capable we are of hurting each other, but I think that intimacy is worth more than that, it’s worth more than the fear of potential heartache. After all, heartache lets us know we are alive, that we are capable of opening our hearts to someone, even with the potential of breaking it. Human intimacy is like the Milky Way colliding with the Andromeda galaxy, it’s inevitable, and once it happens, neither will exist as they once were, they will both be scattered echoes of the other. 

And of course, there are all different kinds of desires. I spend my life talking to a lot of people, and yet I am always looking for those very few with whom I really want to be in conversation. Such occasions are rare, but when it happens, it is a special kind of love.”

(Sarah Schulman, Conflict Is Not Abuse)

To end things this month, I’m thinking of a piece of advice a friend once gave me. We were standing in my living room and I was pouring myself a cup of coffee, probably my 5th or 6th cup of the day. She looked at me and, authoritatively said, “Sasha, coffee is not food.” Not with anger, not patronizing, but out of care. And obviously she meant it in the literal sense, but now I’m seeing its deeper meaning. It can’t be all pleasure, it can’t be all stimulation, we must allow ourselves moments of quiet, moments of reflection, moments of just being with our thoughts and feelings. We must be kind to ourselves, but honest. We can engage in contempt, but we must recognize when the scale has tipped to hatred. Coffee is not and can never fucking be food. Desire is wonderful, but it is just as intoxicating, and we cannot live on intoxication alone. 

With love from love

Sasha Love

Please donate to FOR THE GWORLS, a collective providing mutual aid and support to black trans people. https://www.forthegworls.party/home <3

[alissaming]

Paper Mario Sticker Star Review

Alright, I guess it's time to talk about this one. I don't like this Paper Mario game much. It has some decent ideas, and play mechanics, but it's just not a good game. Let's get into why.

Let's start with what I like to call your Navi character. I call them this because they are the navigational or clue character. In this case, a talking crown named Kristi. The game starts with a festival celebrating the return of the Sticker Star that comes every few years or so (if I remember the time gap correctly) and Bowser, wanting to participate, accidentally touches the Sticker Star, causing it to break into pieces and scatter, with one of the crowns in the star sticking to Bowser. This causes him to basically go insane (beyond the normal Bowser insanity) And Kristi, the caretaker of the Sticker Star enlists Mario's help to stop him. So here's the major problem with Kristi. She's a massive jerk and super mean. When you first meet her, you just saved her, and she shouts at you, accuses you of touching the Sticker Star, and when you insist you're innocent and tell her who actually touched it, she refuses to believe you, telling you to take responsibility for your actions and asks you what Mario (who you're playing as) would do. And while that in and of itself could be stress, it never really gets better. She never really apologizes for how she treats you throughout the game. Even getting mad for not saving her sooner when she gets taken by spiders, about half way through and kinda sorta apoligizes by saying "maybe I was a little lonely" or something like that. A non-apology.

Another problem with this game is the sticker system. Now don't get me wrong, in and of itself, I actually like the idea of having to carry your attacks around you in some form or another and having to get new ones to use them. Especially the more powerful ones. But the sticker system just...doesn't work. You have the problem of starting with one page and can get a total of five (that I can personally find). Add into that stickers that are various sizes depending on what they are and their power level, as well as some seemingly bizarre shapes sometimes, and you have a mess. There's just no way you can carry a decent selection of attacks and Things. There are places you need specific stickers, but because those stickers are of no real use to you in the game itself, it makes little sense to carry those around until you find a place to put them.

So it sounds like I really hate this game. And I don't. It's decent, for the most part. There's even something I really like. And that's the Sticker Museum. Not only is being able to put up the various attack and item stickers up and see what they have to say about them a fun idea, but you also get to put up Thing stickers. What are Things? Well, they're items from our world. In this game, it's things like scissers, a fan, a flip cell phone, things like that. And they have the most amusing descriptions too. For example, the fan is called a Voice Modulator and the description basically describes how it makes your voice sound weird. The flip phone is described as a poolside bed that your boss can use to call you when you're on vacation. Fun stuff like that. Seriously, if you play this game for no other reason, you should try the sticker museum out.

The game, as I stated, is decent. Nothing special, but nothing terrible. My main issues, as stated are Kirsti and the actual sticker system. All in all, I'd say a 3/5. It's mediocre, with some fun ideas, but honestly, Kirsti just kinda ruined this Paper Mario game for me. If you're interested, I guess give it a try, but I have trouble getting through it. I did finish it once, and that's all I need.