#kirk fu

[trekbait]

Why you should take up "Kirk Fu"

Here at TrekBait we may not be experts in martial arts, we all only passed basic self-defence training by a whisker and one of us misread the brief as marital arts and spent 3 weeks studying up on different marriage vows. But one thing we admire is how much Captain James T. Kirk contributed to Starfleet’s training on the matter. Here we’ll run through some of his classic moves that are used throughout the fleet.

Double-fist Punch!

A classic move and guaranteed to fell any (non-Gorn) enemy!

Karate Chop!

Down your enemy in a single chop! Or in the case of these examples, several! This is best performed to the neck.

Body Drop!

Watch how he expertly throws his attacker to disarm him.

Head Bash!

Locked in a tight grip? Disorientate your enemy by bashing their temples in!

Body Throw!

This may look like a chaotic move that disables yourself as much as your enemy, but you can see how shocked and disorientated those officers are! It’s like they’re thinking “where did this madman learn to fight?” (thinking admirably of course, they want to learn too)

Frame Jump!

Watch how Kirk uses his surroundings to disorientate and evade his enemy. So elegant!

Drop Kick!

Take down your enemy with one kick, guaranteed to win your fight!

Thigh Wrestle!

This may look faintly erotic, but I can assure you the attacker is the one feeling faint in the grip of Kirk’s thighs!

Honorary Mention: Palm Strike

This may not be a Kirk move, but it is an evolution of his advanced martial arts expertise that has become a mainstay in Starfleet security.

[epically-epic-epicosity]

[frozen-banana-guacamole]

[departmentq]

Kirk Fu

Starting a collection called the incredible fighting moves of starship captain James Tiberius Kirk

[robertsonskywa1]

Starshadow Skystalker learns "Kung Fu" to "Kirk Fu" to D'vana

Long story, basically I learned Kung Fu at the Kung Fu Awesomeness Academy, the place where Po... I mean... I met Mantis and those Seth Rogens for the first time:

I owe DreamWorks I mean... I met Skipper and Penguins including Jimbo. And then I learned Kung Fu, then I met T'Lyn for having the second Phase: Kirk Fu. And this is how D'Vana demonstrates:

And I did! I learned Kung Fu! But the others: They reacted me

[megakennethb]

i love them posts with the polls where they pit two characters with absolutely nothing in common

[ladyacadementia]

I have the manual

i love that stupid double fisted overhead punch they always do on star trek

[chernobog13]

My money's already in the mail!

[tigresslanzhu]

Replicating the very first illustration of Zhen I did for a parody.

Bonus:

[flashfuckingflesh]

Three Men, a Boat, and One Giant, EVIL "Crocodile" reviewed! (Synapse Films / Blu-ray)

“Crocodile” on Blu-ray and Lurking Behind the Wates of Thailand’s Film Industry! Along the serene Thailand shores, a doctor and his young colleague take their family and fiancé to a beach resort for some much-needed time away after a massive casualty natural catastrophe on a nearby island swallows the entire village with seismic volcano bedlam.  Little do they know that a component of the…

[scrmnviking]

Can't leave this in the tags

[ID: text "Important Starfleet Maneuvers" Attached image is four panels as quadrants showing the Stargazer at warp, Riker sitting down, Voyager crashing into the time travel villain's space lab, and Pike hugging Una. Text on each "Picard maneuver: warp trickery" "Riker maneuver: Chair" "Janeway maneuver: hit it with the ship lol" and "Pike maneuver: Unabashedly care for the people in your life"]

[foone]

BTW as a trekkie the funniest thing you can do is find someone who isn't and try to explain Spock's Brain to them.

"so trek got canceled after two seasons, but fans launched a massive letter-writing campaign and got it renewed. First time that'd happened in the history of TV, I believe. They came back with an episode called Spock's Brain."

"interesting. So what's the plot?"

"aliens steal Spock's Brain"

"what. And what else?"

"no that's pretty much it. His brain gets stoled. They have to go find it."

"huh. Why do the aliens steal it?"

"they need a computer to run their society."

"and they decide to use Spock's Brain?"

"yep! So the Enterprise crew rigs up a remote control device for Spock's body so they can drive it around like a toy car, and go looking for his brain."

"wait. They don't leave it behind in, like, medical stasis?"

"nah they're worried they won't be able to get the brain back to his body in time. So they bring it along. As a remote controlled body. They've got a little remote with like 5 buttons. Walk forward, turn left, turn right, Kung-fu attack, and so on"

"attack?"

"yeah they have to fight off the aliens at one point. With Spock's body."

"huh."

"the best part? The ultimate moral of the episode seems to be against gender segregation"

"WHAT"

"yeah see the aliens who stole Spock's Brain are a bunch of cavemen living on the nuclear-winter surface and a bunch of women living below ground, with PAIN RAYS. the women steal Spock's Brain to run their society, because they're not smart enough to run their machines."

"that seems... Sexist?"

"yeah a bit. So at the end when they get Spock's Brain back, they solve the society's problems by convincing them to reintegrate the sexes and work together on solving their problems. Also Kirk says something like 'in time you'll learn that women can provide not only pain, but pleasure!' to the cave men"

"... Do the women have pleasure rays too?"

"no. He's not talking about that. Anyway this is all skipping over the fact that when they meet up with the alien woman they saw steal Spock's Brain, she doesn't know how to put it back in. Or take it out. She doesn't know what a brain is."

"what"

"yeah she was sent on this mission by the old computer that was failing, and it used a Teacher Machine to temporarily give her SUPER SURGERY skills to get the brain out."

"so she went from not knowing what a brain is to being able to do neurosurgery?"

"yeah. And here's the thing: McCoy can't put the brain back in either. It's too compilated for him."

"so they went searching for Spock's Brain, knowing that they had no way to put it back in?!"

"exactly! So McCoy gets taught how to do Super Brain Surgery by the Teacher Machine, and he starts putting Spock's Brain back in his body, but the skills wear off before he can finish"

"they wear off?"

"yeah you only get them for a few hours. So he has the brilliant idea of hooking up Spock's vocal cords so that Spock can walk him through hooking up the rest of his brain."

"there are so many reasons why that doesn't make sense"

"YEP! THAT'S SPOCK'S BRAIN!"

"so this was a guest writer who never worked before or again, right?"

"no, it was Gene Coon. He wrote like 15 episodes, most of them pretty good, and went on to do some other scifi films. He's the guy who created Khan."

"why do you like Star Trek again?"

[iwritefandomimagines]

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT — JESS MARIANO

masterlist

pairing: jess mariano x reader

description: decorating luke’s for christmas reminds you how far from festive jess is. but it might also lead to confessions that put him much more in the christmas spirit.

warnings: little swearing. fluff !!!

author’s note: shoutout to i’ll be home for christmas in this imagine is because it’s my all time fave xmas film and i had a HUGE crush on jonathan taylor thomas as a child because of it. it’s also not super long but i made sure it’s not too short… anyway ENJOY! <3

“Y’know, I don’t see why you have to be such a Grinch,” you pulled the candy cane from between your lips as Jess scoffed, “All Luke asked was for us to put up a few decorations. Even he has more fucking Christmas spirit than you!”

Jess rolled his eyes, “Oh sure, because I’m usually so enthusiastic about stuff like this. How out of character of me,” he paused to touch his forehead with the back of his hand, “I must be getting ill.”

You tutted, placing the last of your candy cane back into your mouth with a crunch! and folding your arms across your chest.

He quirked his brow, waiting for a snarky response that never came.

Instead, you turned on your heels and headed over to the stereo, flicking the switch and resuming the Christmas CD you’d been listening to before he’d grumpily trundled down the stairs into the diner.

“Oh God,” Jess groaned, “Do you seriously enjoy torturing me?”

You scoffed, “Do you want the honest answer?”

It was at that moment Luke briefly poked his head round the corner, “What are you two bickering about now?”

You crossed your arms over your chest as Jess did the exact same thing, except with a huge wad of tinsel now attached to his sweater.

He waved his arm around frantically as you burst out laughing at his desperate attempt to rid himself of the sparkly red decoration, “For fu—,”

“Ask Ebenezer Scrooge over here,” you teased, freeing Jess of the tinsel by yanking it away as Luke rolled his eyes, “Just help her out, Jess.”

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

“Being a moron.”

“Fork found in kitchen,” you mumbled, earning a glare from Jess, “We’re nearly done, c’mon.”

Jess fought back a smirk, folding his arms again and shaking his head, “You’re a pain in the ass, Y/N.”

“At least I’m a festive pain in the ass,” you sing-songed, twirling tinsel around the cash register as he laughed at you, “Hey, I can see a smile there! He can smile! What a heartthrob. I could almost mistake you for Jonathan Taylor Thomas in I’ll Be Home for Christmas.”

“I look like who from what?” Jess contorted his face in confusion, unsure whether what you were saying was a compliment.

Kirk appeared out of nowhere beside you both, an inquisitive expression on his face, “Jonathan Taylor Thomas from the 1998 Christmas movie I’ll Be Home for Christmas. I have to say I think you’re wrong though, Y/N. He doesn’t have nearly as much of his boyish charm.”

You burst out laughing again, clasping your hand to your mouth as you watched Jess blush just a little as he stood slack-jawed.

“Boyish charm? I’ve got plenty of boyish charm,” Jess scoffed, puffing out his chest, “Why do I look like him anyway?”

“Oh, you don’t,” Kirk shrugged, “Y/N just has a crush on him and a crush on you.”

“Ok that’s quite enough from you Kirk,” It was your turn to blush crimson now as you gestured towards the tables, “We’re not even open yet. You—uh— just go sit down.”

“A crush on me, huh?” Jess was smirking now, and you couldn’t tell if the bubbling in your stomach was sheer embarrassment or excitement at the way he was looking at you.

Obviously, it was both.

You shook your head, “Oh, ‘cause you should totally trust Kirk.”

Jess quirked his eyebrow, “When it comes to town gossip, I’d say I do.”

You looked down at your feet, cheeks still incredibly warm and your heart palpitating so hard you were sure it’d burst out of your chest at any moment.

“You know, you’ve gone bright red. So red in fact that I think it’s put me in a festive mood,” Jess quipped smugly, elbow on the counter as he leaned a little closer to you.

You scoffed, “It took me being embarrassed to feel festive?”

Jess shook his head, and said nothing for a moment.

You wondered whether he was about to embarrass you even further, but his expression softened so much that it confused you.

“No, it took being told that you do like me,” he shrugged, but he was clearly not as nonchalant about it as he was trying to appear, “To save me the embarrassment of a not so festive rejection under the many, many Christmas lights— seriously why do we need so fuckin’ many?”

Your heart swelled at his initial words, but you rolled your eyes yet again at his grumbling about the Christmas lights, “It’s Christmas, Jess. And so pretty.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Jess was quieter as he spoke now, his eyes twinkling as he moved even closer to you, “So pretty.”

Now you were certain that every drop of blood had rushed to your cheeks, the intensity of his stare making you bite your lip and look away again.

His hand lifted up to touch your cheek, drawing your eyes back to meet his.

Your mouth had gone dry, and you couldn’t help but notice how carefully he watched your lips as your tongue swiped over them.

“You—I—We need to finish decorating and open up, Jess,” you stammered, but Jess wasn’t letting you get out of this conversation now.

“If it wasn’t for Kirk, I’d really like to kiss you right now,” he looked briefly away and saw that Kirk had seemingly entirely disappeared, “Oh, it might be my lucky day. Now I’m really feeling festive.”

You giggled, “Then what—what’re you waiting for?”

He didn’t waste a moment after that, immediately capturing your lips with his as you leaned into his chest.

The kiss was short lived, but you almost didn’t mind because your mind was racing at the fact that it was actually even happening at all.

Jess beamed across at you as you pulled back, your eyes locked on each other for a fair few moments of silence.

“I’m finally in the Christmas spirit, Y/N,” he sing-songed as he finally broke the silence, still staring intently at you as you shivered under his gaze, “So much so that I think I’d like to go watch the town Christmas lights being switched on tonight. If you’re up for it. If not, like, whatever. Just a suggestion. Since you love Christmas and—,”

You laughed, placing a hand on his bicep to interrupt his rambling, “I’d really like that, Jess. Even if you are going to drive me nuts complaining about the lights, it’d be nice to go. Like, together.”

Jess seemed pleased with that answer, a broad smile overtaking his face as he leaned in even closer, “It’s a date, then. And now we can get back to decorating.”

You bit your lip, “A date. Woah, Jess Mariano is taking me on a date to see the Christmas lights getting switched on. If I didn’t know any better I’d think I was still tucked up in bed dreaming.”

“I’m in your dreams a lot then, huh?” he teased, the smirk back gracing his features as you gently nudged his arm, “My nightmares, maybe.”

“Hm, guess you dream about that John Tyler guy more then,” he feigned offence, and despite mistaking the name you found his pout incredibly adorable.

You laughed, “Jonathan Taylor Thomas?”

“Mhm.”

“Don’t be jealous, Mariano,” you hummed, leaning into his side as you teased him.

“I’m not jealous,” he grunted, “What does he even look like anyway?”

You giggled, and he didn’t seem impressed by the way you went straight into your head thinking about the actor, “You’ll find out later when I force you to come back to mine and watch it with me after the lights are on.”

“No fuckin’ way!” he shook his head, and you forced a pout until he sighed, “Fine. Only because I like you. And I’m choosing our takeout if I’m going to be third-wheeling you and the TV on our first date.”

You grinned, “Fine by me. It’s a date!”

“A date? Finally, kid,” Luke reemerged for a moment again, poking his head around the corner of the kitchen.

“He’s taking me to see the Christmas lights being switched on,” you grinned, watching Luke’s brief shocked expression being quickly replaced by a small smile.

“The lights?” he repeated, and you nodded.

“I knew he liked you, I mean the whole town did. But it looks like he must really like you, huh?”

“Yeah,” you basically whispered, looking over at Jess for a moment and seeing him smiling softly at you despite his irritation at his uncle poking his nose in, “I guess he does.”

———

happy festive season guys!

this has been in the drafts for a couple weeks near finished but i’ve finally got it done now <3 might write some more festive imagines so if there are any characters you’d like to see that for then please let me know.

as usual — thanks for reading, here’s my masterlist if you’d like to read more of my stuff!

[spaced0lphin]

The term is "Kirk-fu"

[robertsonskywa1]

D'Vana pulled me that she learned Kirk Fu:

Starshadow Skystalker: Is she fighting it? (Opens the GIF)

Starshadow Skystalker: (VISIBLE CONFUSION) What should I do?

Jurassic World Dinos:

Starshadow Skystalker: Okay... Fine, I'm gonna kick those Klingon ass myself! (Beast Mode!)

[frogayyyy]

Kirk-Fu Functions