#king of scars fanfic

[ao3feed-grishaverse]

by thestormwitch (quibbler)

A series of events occurs in Ravka's premier symphony orchestra: 1) Zoya Nazyalensky beats Aleksander Morozov for concertmaster. 2) Morozov quits. 3) A new addition to the orchestra becomes principal 2nd violin. 4) The newest version of the Ravkan quartet begins rehearsing for the upcoming competition season.

What lies ahead for the ensemble?

Words: 1049, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo, Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/M

Characters: Zoya Nazyalensky, Nikolai Lantsov, Alina Starkov, Genya Safin, Baghra (The Grisha Trilogy), Harshaw (The Grisha Trilogy), Tamar Kir-Bataar, Tolya Yul-Bataar, David Kostyk, Nina Zenik, Jesper Fahey, Wylan Van Eck, Matthias Helvar, Hanne Brum | Ilya Grimjer, Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, Mal Oretsev, Adrik Zhabin, Leoni Hilli, Nadia Zhabin

Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Orchestra

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/oPK0aEz

[starry-bi-sky]

"What about this one?" Bruce taps gently against the side of Danny's throat with his finger, a small, blacklight flashlight clutched in his other hand. Danny raises his hand and feels where he's tapping, and tries to remember which fight that's from.

After a few seconds, he finds the memory. "Some guy from revolutionary France," he says idly, quiet; somber, "had a very good aim, but not a very sharp axe."

The memory feels more vivid now than it did a few moments ago. He remembers digging the axe out himself, just in time to dodge the ghost lunging at him. His arms had trembled. He yanked it out like a splinter.

He sees Bruce's frown deepen from the corner of his eye, the space between his brows pinching together, and Danny purposely averts his gaze. He swallows dryly, it feels phantom sore. "Anymore questions?"

[justaz]

somehow for some reason the knights take on a spell that lights up the scars that litter their bodies. arthur has the most with leon as a close second. gwaine and percival and pretty much tied for third though gwaines are much smaller - from more brawls than battles. elyan and lancelot have their fair share but less that the others. that is until they turn to see merlin lit up like a goddamn glowstick. the others (bar lancelot) had been expecting maybe a few nicks from being on the outskirts of battles or mishaps from working on a farm back in ealdor, not……this. the light (which shines through their clothes as if the fabric isn’t even there) is practically blinding on merlin, covering every inch of skin. more so than even arthur. lancelot prompts them all to move on and everyone does, holding themselves back from asking the questions they desperately want answered

[bey0nd-1he-stars]

Wedding bands - Nikolai Lantsov

Masterlists

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x reader

Wordcount: 1268

Warnings: none

Summary: You finally tell your friends and crew what your ring is for.

The wind blew in the sails, carrying the Volkvolny across the open seas. Almost the whole crew were up on deck, a few squallers minding the sails but mostly letting the natural wind do the work. Tamar and Tolya had gathered a small group of people and settled down for a few rounds of cards. Nikolai had sat down on the floor up on quarterdeck, a map laid out in front of him. You were out on request of the king so Nikolai hadn’t bothered to tailor himself. You kept close to Ravkan shores anyway and it was his waters so neither of you were especially worried. You stood behind him, watching over his shoulder as he studied it. Usually he would keep all of his maps down in the captain’s cabin but the sun was out and the soft breeze was refreshing. And you were out here on deck. That was always a plus. 

After a while Nikolai rolled up the map and stood to leave it in his cabin. You just gave him a nod and a smile before Tamar shouted for you to join them. They had sat down on the main deck at a bench and used a crate as a table. You smiled in thanks when Tolya handed you a set of cards. Your ring flashed in the sun when you took them from him and you saw his gaze flickering down to it for just a second. When you’d played for a while, Tolya brought it up.

“What’s that ring for? You always wear it and you’ve been wearing it since I met you,” he placed down his card in the pile and looked up at you. You smirked and placed down your card as well, leaving you victorious, “you know I won't tell you.” He shrugged, “worth a shot.” Tamar looked at you with raised eyebrows, “your heart rate picked up,” she stated with a smirk and placed a card in the pile. A faint blush covered your cheeks and you looked away from her for a second, and that was your mistake.

“You’re in love with someone!” she exclaimed and turned to face you fully. You let out a surprised huff and laughed softly, “what?” 

“Who’s in love?” Nikolai’s deep voice cut you off and you all turned towards him. The sun made his hair look golden. His hazel eyes looked like they had pieces of gold flowing in them and the blue of his jacket complimented his looks very well. It blew softly in the wind and tugged at the ends. Your Y/H/C hair was up but a few strands got caught in the wind and Nikolai had to tear his gaze away from you, his breath caught in his throat for a second. Tamar smirked and turned to you again. 

“Dear Y/N here. Her ring is a ring from a lover.” 

“Well that’s no news,” Nikolai smiled and sat down beside Tolya and you all returned to the game but continued talking. Tolya seemed a bit upset at his statement, “what do you mean ‘no news?’ You knew?” He turned to Nikolai who just shrugged and smirked at him. Tamar let out a huff, “you bastard,” she mumbled and both you and Nikolai burst out laughing. 

“But I’m right, then? You are in love?” Tamar pressed. They’d finished playing and Tolya had lost. Now the cards just laid in a pile in the crate and all the attention was directed towards you. You searched for Nikolai’s gaze and he gave you a quick, almost unnoticeable nod.

“Yeah, you are. I'm in love.” Tamar smirked at that and gave you a nod to continue. 

“What? What do you want me to say?” you laughed and started gathering together the cards again in a proper pile. 

“Well, is it a promise ring? Or how far along are we talking?” Tolya said and encouraged you to tell them all of it. Nikolai just shook his head in amusement. That it could be so interesting to know about your love life, but he stayed anyway. He wanted to see their reactions if you decided to tell them the truth. 

“It’s… It’s a wedding ring, actually,” you confessed and twisted the ring on your finger. The gemstones glittered in the sun and the gold shined. You had decided to just wear the wedding ring on your finger and hung the promise ring and the engagement ring on a chain around your neck, hiding away the Lantsov emerald from plain sight. Tolya gaped at your statement and then he turned to Nikolai.

“You knew she's married?” he asked, stunned that you’d told Nikolai and not them. You were all very close friends and Tolya thought that you’d tell them all if you were to tell anyone. But so the case didn’t seem to be because Nikolai knew. Your husband chuckled, “fortunately enough, I do.” Tolya turned to Tamar, feeling a bit betrayed but in a joking manner, of course. Tamar, intrigued, turned to Nikolai too, deciding it probably would be easier to get him to spill what he knew than to try to ask you. 

“Do you know who he is?” She lifted an eyebrow at him and leaned forward and rested her head in her hand. Nikolai’s gaze flicked to yours, amusement swirling in his eyes and a smirk resting on his lips. 

“Would be weird if I didn’t.”

“Well, tell us,” The twins demanded. Nikolai just smirked and with a laugh he lifted his own left hand where a golden wedding band rested on his ring finger. 

“Him? You’re married to him?” Tamar turned back to you, surprised but when she thought about it, it made sense. You always hung around Nikolai, often touching him, whether it was a hand on his shoulder, a hand threading through his hair or your elbows or knees touching. And if you weren’t with him your gaze always traveled the area as if taking in the scenery, but in reality, you were just looking for him. She’d never thought about it before but those days when something went bad or when he was hurt, or maybe just having a tough day and he disappeared into his captain’s cabin, you disappeared too. You watched as the puzzle pieces started to fit together in her head and you just nodded.  

“How long?” Tolya wondered out loud. Nikolai smiled, “a few years.” You nodded along with a smile “how long have you seen me wear this ring?” 

Tamar smiled, she knew you were telling the truth, but still, it was fun to tease you both, “prove it,” she demanded with a laugh. 

“Prove it?” Nikolai wondered, “what do you mean prove it? Isn’t the rings pretty big proof, or how do they marry in Shu Han?” Tamar smirked, “I demand to see a kiss.” Nikolai turned to you and you just shrugged. They were your closest friends, it didn’t matter if they saw you kiss one time. You took the hand Nikolai reached out to you and he pulled you to your feet. With one arm around your waist and one cupping your face, he pressed his lips to yours. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him closer to you, burying your hands in his golden locks. You heard them cheer you on and Nikolai smiled into the kiss. When the two of you pulled away, Nikolai held you close to him anyway, looking into your eyes and smiling like an idiot, happy that you finally could show your relationship among your friends.

[scarredlove]

Just Resting

A little, soft drabble of my King of Fools AU You're taking resting, taking in the morning and afternoon breeze. And people around you take care to not disturb.

King Sun X You (non gender) X Fool Moon

You laid on the haystacks in the stables, horses whining and tapping the ground sporadically in the depths of the shack. You felt so at peace. You had no shows scheduled for the day, nor any meetings to attend. Crossing your arms over your belly, a sigh left your lips as you laid there, fully conscious, but your eyelids refused to open to the afternoon light.

After a few minutes, you could hear a low discussion happening somewhere in the distance, sounding quite formal. A voice cut off the other into silence and there was a small laugh before a dismissive mumble of words was given. One set of footsteps drew near and the light that warmed your eyes was disturbed, a small sigh leaving whoever was nearby. They stood right next to you. And yet you could not open your eyes. Nor could you find words.

In a state mimicking sleep, the figure leaned down and a gloved digit ran over your cheek softly, brushing loose hairs aside that threatened to disturb your peaceful state. Even with eyes closed, you could feel a smile radiating from whomever was looming above.

Humming, the footsteps wandered further into the barns, dry grass and gravel crunching beneath their weight. After a brief pause, the soft, rough noises grew louder once more, the presence coming back towards you, and with a flourish, a breeze wafted around you before cloth was draped over your figure.

A blanket? 

There was another chuckle and after their gloved fingers combed through your locks a few times, he cleared his throat and began walking away, back towards the castle, light returning to your eyelids, pink being all that you see.

—

You continued to lay there as the day passed on, the setting sun closing in on the mountains before it vanished for night. The faint sound of crickets could be heard from the tall grass surrounding the stables, various critters harmonising like a ceremony. But you still felt so less tired than you originally felt when laying down on the hay stacks, giving a long sigh into the nothingness.

The horses chirped merrily as a bundle of bells sang in the back of the shack, praise and care mumbling somewhere in the distance as the large creatures heaved happy snorts. The crescendo of bells drew closer before abruptly pausing in their approach, as if surprised to see you there in the stables. Silence followed for a minute or two, feet shuffling on the dirty stone ground as the figure debated to come closer or not. 

But you weren't bothered by whoever it was. You were at peace here. After a little while longer, soft jingles drew near to you hesitantly, slowly, as if trying to careful as to how the person's bells rang. There was a gravelly grunt before a huff followed. Before long, the bells resumed their song, coming closer and closer… before growing quite again, walking straight past you.

Moments passed listening to the soft breeze brushed against your cheeks, hair tickling your skin slightly but thankfully not in an uncomfortable way, nor was the air that cold for the growing evening. *Ring*. Jinging returned to your ears as it grew louder once more, snapping you out of your slight daze as you almost succumbed to sleep. The bells halted beside your bed of straw as you sighed, expression not shifting at the arrival of this somebody. 

A gentle touch stroked your ear slightly, tucking hair back into place. Sighing to themselves, breath brushing your face a little, fingers streaked a little into your locks before placing something soft behind your ear. The touch ran the rim of your earlobe before moving away, pausing for a moment at their handiwork before walking back away, suddenly bursting with jingles and grunts as the wood above creaked as if suddenly having additional weight upon it.

Without opening your eyes, your fingers reached up to your hair to inspect the strange weight nestled behind your ear. Something soft and small met your digits, before gently removing it. Opening your eyes for the first time in a while, it took a few moments for your eyes to adjust to the orange and purple skies in the corner of your vision. But within your hold, standing tall,  bright and vibrant, a flower met your vision.

A dandelion.

[bladeinthedark]

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x female!reader Request: hi! could i request a nikolai x heartrender reader where the reader helps comfort/take care of nikolai after he turns back to himself after turning into the monster one night? tysm! <3

Summary: When everything is falling apart around Nikolai, you’re there to support him and bring more peace into his life. Words: 4k Warnings: mentions of blood/injuries, lots of angst

You had been in the King’s service for quite a while. When you had first joined the Second Army as a child, you never imagined to one day find yourself in the King of Ravka’s inner circle, but now you were one of the first to be called to the King if he needed help. 

The help you could offer was mostly connected to the powers gifted to you. Being a heartrender secured lots of different tasks in the King’s service for you, but there was one task given you that was the most important.

Countless times you had sat on the King’s bedside, your fingers moving over his palm as you slowed down his heartbeat. Nikolai’s dishevelled blonde hair was spread over the pillow, his eyes losing focus again and again as he desperately tried to look at you. “It’s alright, moi tsar,” you whispered, your voice reflecting the desperation inside you. It hurt you to see him like this. Over and over again. 

When his eyes closed, his heartbeat slowing to a sleepy rate, you stayed for a bit longer than needed. How many times would you have to do this again?

Today had been a slow day at the palace. Genya had left this morning to head out to a First Army camp, Zoya leaving to take a ship to Kerch for some private business she had. That meant you and Nikolai were basically alone in the palace for a few days. At least when it came to your friends. 

David was still there, but he didn’t like to come out of his workshop anyway, unless Genya made him. 

However, just because your two closest friends were away didn’t mean you didn’t have any work to do. You had a heartrendering lesson to teach today, out on the grounds of the Little Palace, with the teens this time. You didn’t have a preference when it came to teaching different age groups, but all of them had a different way of listening to you and then learning from the moves you made. 

It was a stormy day today and the clouds were dark, heavy with the upcoming rain. You liked to train outside and teach with the fresh air around you. It was a calming atmosphere for a lot of students and for you as well.

Yet your time was cut short. It soon started pouring rain, thunder roaring in the sky and you quickly directed everyone to get back inside the palace. “We will continue the lesson tomorrow,” you assured them. You wanted to teach a new unit and it wasn’t worth it trying to gather everyone in a room again. Until silence would have settled, your time would already be over. 

So you spent the rest of your day going over letters that had been sent to you in your office. You cut them open neatly, read through them and then made two different piles. The one on your left would be for letters that didn’t require a response and the one on your right would be the ones that you had to get back to at some point. The right pile ended up being much higher than the first one.

You dipped your quill into a small bottle of ink, starting to write your letter to a Commander of the First Army. He had requested a few Second Army troops, but you couldn’t give him what he wanted at the moment. 

A knock on the door made you look up from the parchment. “Come in,” you said, but you already knew who it was. You would recognise that heartbeat anywhere. It was the one you so frequently looked for, calming it, gifting this heart a well needed rest. 

“Moi tsar,” you greeted the King when he closed the door behind him. He was wearing his uniform, blond hair slightly dishevelled, a few strands hanging down onto his forehead. He pushed the sleeves of his brown jacket up as he made his way over to you. Your desk was standing by the window, the lightning outside illuminating the scene every now and then. 

“You still call me that every time,” Nikolai chuckled, pulling the chair from your dressing table over to the desk. He sat down opposite of you, a grin on his face. “What is my favourite heartrender working on, huh?” He seemed to be in a good mood. Just a few nights ago you had visited his chambers to free him from his pain again. To free him from the hold the monster had on him even after it visibly disappeared.

Nikolai had become more than just your prince or your king over the years. He had become a good friend, a best friend. You trusted him with your life and he trusted you with his. 

After the monster had settled inside him after that fateful fight, he came to you for help. He knew you couldn’t make it go away, but you could grant him a little peace every time that dark storm raged inside him again. He trusted you, to make this your shared secret and to look after him in some way. This situation made your bond even stronger, unbreakable. Whenever his body ached, his heart dared to burst out of his chest and he was haunted by visions and nightmares, you were there to bring him calm, like the sound of soft ocean waves hitting the shore or the birds singing outside of his window. 

Nikolai wasn’t too sure if what he was feeling in his stomach sometimes, when he looked at you, was only the feeling of relief, someone coming to help him. It felt more like something that reached a lot deeper. 

He had so much admiration for you. Even when his limbs were filled with pain, when his hands felt like they were on fire, shivers sometimes ran through his body whenever you touched him. Your soft fingertips running over his skin left a mark on him no one else could. He wanted to carry that feeling around all day, at all times. 

“Just answering some letters. There have been quite a few letters from the First Army,” you explained to him, but placed the quill down to make sure Nikolai knew he had all your attention.

“And what is my favourite king doing on a stormy day like this?” You asked, a smile on your face. Talking to Nikolai always felt so easy, so natural. There were no secrets between you two.

Except for the yearning deep inside you. The urge to kiss his forehead whenever you helped him fall asleep. The desire to lace your fingers together whenever he put his hand out to you. His pink lips looking so inviting when you came to check up on him in the morning. 

Everything about Nikolai was admirable. His looks, his personality, even the way he carried himself. Yet you felt like giving in to these feelings, your deepest desires, would be a death sentence for your friendship. 

For you, Nikolai was a good friend. For others, he was their king, representing a country that had been divided for centuries. He had more important things to do than form a deeper relationship with a heartrender in his service. There was enough space for you in his life to be a friend, but your love might be too big to fit his chest in times like these.

You could still dream about it at night though. Every now and then.

“I’m your favourite king? I didn’t know there was another one,” he chuckled and then picked one of the grapes from your fruit bowl. You always kept something to eat around when you were working on your desk.

“I started to-” he said with a full mouth, but then paused to speak clearly again. “I started going over some documents as well. Was really boring though, so I’m here now to check up on you.”

Nikolai did complain about his work load sometimes, but you knew that he would do even more if he had to. He would do anything for this country and make it a peaceful, balanced place again after all the chaos it had to endure over the years. The Darkling’s terror was over, as was the horrible irresponsibly of his father. The young king was here to put things right again. 

“Well, I’m glad you’re keeping me company. The palace is a lot more quiet when Genya and Zoya are gone, don’t you think?” You leaned back in your chair, crossing your legs while Nikolai continued to eat some of the grapes. 

“Yeah, it is. I don’t see David getting dragged around as much as usual.”

You let out a chuckle at his answer, crossing your arms in front of your chest. “He needs to get out of the workshop sometimes, you know that.”

“I do, I do,” the blonde man insisted, eventually playing with the letters you had deemed as unimportant. “So, will you join me for dinner tonight?”

Dinner? You didn’t know when you had dinner alone, just the two of you, for the last time.

“Just us. Won’t even drag David out of the workshop.”

A tingling sensation spread in your stomach. A dinner for just the two of you sounded almost too good to be true. But it was surely a thing between friends. Catching up on recent work, enjoying a day inside since the weather was so horrible…

“I would love to,” you agreed eventually, nodding reassuringly.

A grin spread over Nikolai’s face and his eyes lit up. Not only due to the lightning that basked your room in light again. 

“Then I will see you at the usual time, my favourite heartrender.”

Then he was gone, leaving you with a fast beating heart and the urge to count down the seconds until dinner. 

Dinner with Nikolai never came.

You sat in the dining hall at the long table, in your usual spot, right next to the King’s seat at the head of the table. The rain was still splattering against the window rapidly, the candles on the table were reflecting their light onto the polished plates in front of you. 

Your hands fumbled with the sleeves of your red kefta, a sigh leaving your lips. 

The white and golden walls of the room were starting to make you feel trapped in this room. Guards were standing outside, but the room itself, it was empty, except for you. 

The eerie silence was only interrupted by the pitter-patter of the rain and the thunder roaring outside. Your gaze travelled over portraits and expensive furniture, over all the gold and glamour you were surrounded with.

Anything to distract you from the pressure in your chest.

Did Nikolai just forget about your meeting? No, he wasn’t someone to do that.

Did he deem something else as more important? Maybe, but he would have told you. He would have sent someone to inform you about any changes in his schedule, especially if there was something planned with you.

Did something happen to him? 

The thought alone sent a wave of nausea through you. Your fingers tapped against the polished table, feeling continuously nervous. You couldn’t just sit around here all night. 

You pushed back the chair and then stormed towards the large double doors that led back into the hallway of the palace. 

“Miss-”

It was probably one of the guards wanting to stop you from leaving. He probably had some kind of excuse on his lips why you should stay, but you knew that something must have happened if Nikolai didn’t appear at the promised time. 

Too much time had already passed. He could be dead by now. And you had been sitting around, waiting for the food to be served. 

When you turned the corner, wanting to head straight to Nikolai’s office to look if he was there, David came rushing towards you. His hair was even more dishevelled than usual, sweat was pooling on his forehead and he was out of breath by the time he reached you. 

“Where is Nikolai?” 

It was all you said. He must know. 

“He’s in his chambers. I was about to call you for-” 

You didn’t need another explanation. Without waiting a second longer, you left David standing in the hallway and your feet took you to Nikolai’s chambers as fast as you could. The walls around you seemed to be spinning by the time you arrived in the other wing of the palace, standing in front of the king’s chambers. 

“Saints,” you breathed out, already being able to hear Nikolai’s rapid heartbeat. 

You slipped into his room, locking the door behind you. 

Nikolai was sitting on the edge of the bed, blood running down his temple, claws still present on his hands. He was shirtless, his chest filled with bruises and scratches. 

Your heart almost stopped. You didn’t like to see him in pain. Then there was the overwhelming urge to take it from him, to tend to his wounds somehow, even if you weren’t a healer. 

“Nikolai,” you breathed out and he turned to look at you. He seemed to look right past you for a moment, until his eyes seemed to fill with tears. “My favourite heartrender,” he croaked, lifting his arm to reach out to you.

In a few big steps, you were by the bed, in front of him. 

You knew he had turned into the monster again. He had probably fought with an animal, maybe losing himself between tree branches again, their sharp ends poking through his skin. Your hands found his and he visibly tensed up again. 

“The claw-” he started, but you were quick to interrupt him. 

“I don’t care, Nikolai. I don’t care,” you whispered, voice breaking as tears welled up in your eyes as well. All this pain for a young man with already too much weight on his shoulders.

For a moment, you closed your eyes, focusing on his heart rate once more. As you had done so many times before. His heartbeat was a familiar sound in your ear, a sound following to your dreams as if it was pounding exactly like yours. 

Nikolai relaxed, his heart slowing down once more and his breathing regulating again as well. 

“It’s alright,” you whispered and kneeled down in front of him. His claws slowly disappeared and you watched him close his eyes for a moment. His jaw unclenched and a single tear ran down his cheek, but you were quick to wipe it away.

“Everything’s alright,” you reassured him, slowly getting back onto your feet and grabbing a towel from the nearby dressing table. With precision, you wiped the blood off his temple, before sitting down next to him on the bed. 

Nikolai didn’t look at you for what seemed like an eternity. His gaze was fixed on his hands as if they were displaying a horror he had never seen before. His breathing stayed the same but you could feel his heartbeat slowly rising once more. Your hand found its way onto his back, trying to keep him calm, using your powers to assist that goal. 

The lightning outside lit up the room again. You could see more blood stains on Nikolai’s arms and his chest. His blonde hair was darker from dirt gathered in it. A sign of his journey, of the fate he was haunted by. 

The monster would always be a part of him.

And comforting him would always be your priority.

“Want me to run you a bath?” You asked softly, fingers gliding over his bare back. Under different circumstances, you would have used the time to enjoy the view in front of you. Seeing his bare skin, his hard chest and wondering what it would feel like to let your lips meet his soft skin.

But this was far from any of the scenarios you wished for in your head.

A nod from your king. 

You left him in his bed for a moment as you prepared the bathtub in the adjacent bathroom. You also got some fresh towels ready as well as some thin pants for Nikolai to sleep in, together with his night robe. 

By the time everything was prepared, Nikolai was standing in the door already. He seemed a bit more collected now. “I need that bath,” he mumbled and started opening his pants. You turned around, staring at the wall in front of you with burning cheeks. 

When you heard Nikolai settle in the bathtub, you dared to turn around again. The bubbles and foam were covering enough so you could only make out parts of the man’s chest. It still didn’t stop your own heartbeat from rising. Tending to his wounds was usually less intimate than watching him lean back in the bathtub, arms resting on either side of it. 

“I will wait in the bedroom,” you assured him, but you were just by the door as his voice sounded through the room again. 

“Stay here.”

You turned around to face him and there was a desperation in his eyes you hadn’t seen before. They seemed to be pleading with you to stay, to not leave him alone. 

“I will.”

His expression relaxed once more and then he reached out for you. Your legs felt weak as you made your way closer to the tub, eventually letting your hands meet. His fingers intertwined with yours easily, as if they belonged into that position. Your eyes met again and the pain in them was gone. It had made space for something else – adoration. 

His hazel eyes closed for another moment and when he opened them again, tears were dwelling on the edges, but a smile was on visible on his lips. “Thank you for doing this. For… all of this,” he whispered, his voice almost being drowned out by the sound of the rain outside. 

You slowly knelt down to bring yourself to about the same height as Nikolai in the bathtub. Your other hand went to cover his as you kept it in a strong hold. You could feel the pulse in his arms, the loud beating of his heart and you knew that he was enjoying this moment just as much as you were. It just raised the question inside of you where all of this would go eventually. Would you be able to confess your feelings for the King? For someone you had sworn to protect and serve, but had found a good friend in instead? 

His hand let go of yours and for a moment, you felt disappointment sink into your stomach. But Nikolai’s hand soon found the back of your neck, warmth spreading there and goosebumps making their way to every part of your body. You held your breath for a second as you felt a slight pressure on your neck. Nikolai moved you just a bit closer as he leaned forward as well. You were able to feel his breath on your lips, a shiver running down your back. You were so close – close enough to kiss. 

“Can I?” His voice was barely more than a whisper. 

The words were stuck in your throat, so all you did was nod, too afraid to destroy the moment and the silence between you. 

Then his lips were on yours, light as a feather, but it seemed to shake you to your core. It felt wonderful, almost like flying, and as if a heavy weight was finally taken from your shoulder. The heat in your cheeks was rising, your hand finding its way into Nikolai’s blonde hair, slightly wet from the bath. 

The pressure on your neck increased, so you moved forward a bit, enough to make it easier for the kiss to become deeper, more passionate. Kissing someone had never felt this good and when your hands cupped Nikolai’s cheeks, you could practically hear his heartbeat jumping. His hand stayed in your neck, a sign that he didn’t want this to end. Maybe ever. 

Only when you had to breathe again, did you dare to pull away. His eyes were darker, filled with a tint of lust, but more importantly, his breathing had changed. It was faster, like his heartbeat. “You don’t know how many times I had wanted to do this.” 

His confession was unexpected, but very welcome. “Me too.” It was just fair that he knew your feelings as well. For a moment, you regretted not saying something, or doing something, sooner, so you could have enjoyed this a lot earlier. But everything was perfect the way it was. 

Slowly, with wobbly legs, you stood up again, but your eyes never left Nikolai’s as you walked over and grabbed a bathrobe and towels for him. “As much as I like kissing you, I think you need to wash all the blood off and get into your bed. Then maybe, you can get another kiss?”

A grin appeared on the King’s face at your words. It was filled with love, adoration and most importantly, he seemed happy. His shoulders didn’t look as tense anymore and the horror in his face had left, traces of the monster inside him fully retreated. 

“Then I must get to bed immediately,” he agreed and as he slowly lifted himself out of the tub, you turned around to give him his privacy. 

You watched the lightning outside, seeing the branches of the trees shaking in the wind. It was a beautiful sight, but you shivered at the thought of Nikolai being out there earlier, flying through the storm, coming back with wounds and blood all over him. 

Arms wrapped around your waist, Nikolai’s head resting on your shoulder as he pulled you closer against him from behind. The bathrobe felt soft against you, but his breath at your cheek was enough to make your legs feel weak as well. A kiss was planted onto your cheek and you could feel Nikolai’s heartbeat slowing down more and more. He was relaxing, finally getting some emotional rest. But you would have to get him to bed as well, so he can let his body regenerate. 

“Let’s go to bed,” you whispered, before turning around in his arms. Hands found their way to your hips as you looked at the man in front of you. The smile was still apparent on his lips, the same excitement and love in his eyes as before. “I can’t even say no to you when you say it like that,” he smiled, taking your hand again as he walked back into his bedroom, eventually getting into bed himself. 

You sat down on the edge again, taking his hand into your own and moving two fingers up and down on his arm. “Are you going to make me sleep again?” His voice was soft and you would have thought it might indicate that he did not want to sleep yet, but his tired eyes, now struggling to stay open, spoke another story. 

“If you want me to,” you answered, not forcing anything upon him. When the beast didn’t let go of his heart, making it race over and over, and he wasn’t able to calm down, then you did force him to sleep once or twice. But Nikolai seemed alright now, not in need of heartrending-induced sleeping. 

“I do. But only after you’ve given me a kiss,” he demanded, sitting up a bit in bed again as he leant forward to you. A smile on his lips, he pursed his lips, expecting a kiss from you. 

You were certainly not going to deny him that. 

Leaning forward, your lips met again, the same intoxicating feeling making its way through your body. Your hands cupped his warm cheeks, smiling into the kiss as you fully enjoyed the goosebumps, the shivers, all the sensations this was giving you. Nikolai’s lips felt like heaven, there was no doubt about it. 

When you pulled away again, his cheeks had turned a darker colour, but he let himself drop into the pillow with a satisfied smile. 

“Goodnight, my favourite heartrender,” he whispered, smile on his lips as he closed his eyes.

You couldn’t hold back your own smile and the content feeling in your stomach become even more apparent. 

“Goodnight, Nikolai.”

You sat there for another moment. You would always keep him safe.

[wh0refornikolailantsov]

Dreams Of You - Nikolai Lantsov

Summary: Sleepwalking was not something Nikolai was used to, but he thought maybe it was the stress, and at least being back at The Palace should put an end to the way he somehow kept walking to your room. Except it didn't.

Prompt: "I Wish I Could Control Myself Around You." (Also 5+1? Kinda)

Content Warning: No Beta/Proof Reading. Vasily. More Specifically Vasily Being Presumptuous, Rude And Demanding. Some Suggestive Content, But Not Explicit And Not Overly. Unwanted Advances From Vasily. Teeny Tiny Mistaken Identity Trope If You Squint. Explicit Language. Questionable Behaviour And Intent When Sleepwalking. Not Beta/Proof Read.

Word Count: 5k

Nikolai Taglist: @hauntedenthusiasttragedy , @writingmysanity

1

The night is long and the ocean is unhappy, swaying more violently than you'd like as you drift in and out of sleep. You find yourself wishing morning would hurry in through the port windows so at least your restlessness would be justified. You turn, burying your face into an arm and hoping the tide of sleep might find you sooner than the tide underneath you. The Volkvolny is usually much calmer on the waves, and your sleep is often more forgiving, but something wants you awake tonight, and the Saint's aren't letting your consciousness slip into sleep. You try recounting the stars that should be overhead by now, mapping out the small burning lights in the sky on the wood above your head, as if you could see through the deck and into the dark blue night. When even that fails you, you consider freeing whoever is on deck from their duty, and taking over. But you stay still, your bed may not be calling you, but the bed is a comfort all the same. Not long ago you kept yourself in a hammock like a lot of the crew, but recently the tides have been changing in more than one way, and you find yourself laid on flat supported comfort, that almost reminds you of a home you never really found on land but imagine nonetheless.

The door to your room opens with a fumbling of the handle, just as sleep begins to take you. You blink in the dark, trying to figure out what is happening in the darkness. Your eyes adjust enough to make out the captains silhouette before you find him laying down on the bed beside you.

"Sturmhond?" you ask into the silence. "What are you doing?"

After a few attempts to get his attention, you realise, what likely should have been obvious from the sluggish movements, and the uncharacteristic quiet of him, that he is in fact asleep. You smile to yourself, amused at how he has found himself lain next to you on your bed, in the depth of sleep. You start rolling the jokes you can make at his expense through your mind as he moves to get more comfortable. You chuckle gently as you feel an arm reach for you.

"Careful," you warn him, gathering the warning might seep into his mind even in his sleep. But it seems to have the opposite effect as he reaches for you more eagerly. And it's not until you feel his lips brush your neck that you move urgently up and away. "Okay, no, that's enough of that, Sturmhond, wake up." He does not, and you grip a hand over his shoulder, shaking him gently. "Wake up." You're about to give up trying when he starts to whisper in his sleep, and barely any of the words register in your mind between your own tiredness and the low tone of his speech but it's enough to send you spiralling, so you break protocol slightly. "Nikolai, wake up," you aren't sure if it's the roughness of your voice or the use of his real name but he blinks awake. His eyes stare up into yours for a few moments while he adjusts, and then widen at the realisation that he is looking at you and wide awake.

"I am not in my..." he starts, voice all sleep soaked and charming.

"No, you're not," you confirm. "You sleepwalked, right into mine."

He gathers himself together, starting to scramble up. His apologies are all fumbled, and he stands, and in your fully awake state you can't help but noticed just how un-creased that white bed shirt of his is, and how he sleeps with far too many buttons undone. "Stop," you tell him, pulling your blankets back and nodding to the excess of space in your bed, "you're not going back to your room," you tell him.

"Why?" he asks, eyeing you.

"Because you might sleep walk again and you might be unlucky enough to find yourself in someone else's quarters, someone less understanding," you tell him. He doesn't argue with that, but is still hesitant as he lays back down, still reeling in thoughts of all the ways to apologize to you. His subconscious has betrayed him on a whole new level and he cannot even find the words to explain or excuse it, not that he would try, he just says he is sorry again.

"I can go back," he says. You just shake your head and push his shoulder down gently, turning you back to him.

"Just go to sleep Sturmhond," you mumble, gently mocking but mostly sincere.

"You don't mind?" he checks. Truthfully you don't, you doubt you will sleep worse with him here, you'll probably even sleep better. And there are quieter reasons why you don't mind, reasons based in desire that you keep tucked away. But you don't let your mind linger on that, especially when Nikolai deep in his sleep had tried to press his lips to your neck and you'd had to stop him.

"No," you assure him, "not if you can shut up, I know that is hard for you."

"If this is your seduction plan it's very verbose," he mumbles. The fact that he is half asleep and using words like verbose, still, makes you both want to throw him overboard and kiss him, and you cannot tell which urge is more prominent.

"Besides I think Tamar would be much less understanding if she woke up to you attempting to seduce her," you retort. He opens one eye to look at you, your back still to him.

"I didn't..." he starts.

"Please, like I'd let you get more than hand on me before I would wake you with a knife to your throat," you joke, "now captain, please, I beg you. Go. To. Sleep."

2

Nikolai was sure now that you were off the Volkvolny and in the palace, that the night trips might stop. It had become slightly worrying that waking up in a room that was not his own had become somewhat a normal outcome of going to sleep. But it had always been your room, and you had for all your jokes and teasing, been very gracious about the whole thing, so understanding of a situation you needn't have been.

He tries not to think about the strange comfort there is about waking up next to you. Because then he might have to address the feelings laying just below the surface and he cannot do that.

But tonight, the third night in the palace you are woken by the sound of the door catching on the lock as it attempts to open. You move to your feet, bare skin against the cold stone of the floor making you jump slightly, feeling more awake. You unlock the door and it gently nudges open, and for all the surprise you thought you might feel, you feel none when you set eyes on Nikolai. You do not bother to wake him. You let him find his way under the soft covers and you let him sleep. When you attempt to move he reaches for you, and that tugs at the seams inside your chest and you're fit to burst.

The ceilings of the palace are intricate, painted into woven patterns that tell stories if you look at them long enough, and you often find yourself looking at them. Your sleeplessness has gotten worse. You don't like to admit it, but you quietly wait for Nikolai to turn up, knowing the only time you really get any true rest is when he is beside you, which is a transient situation that you know could never be anything but temporary.

The softness of the bedsheets, has you spiralling, so soft, so endlessly welcoming, it all feels false, until you hear his breathing beside you, the thump of his heartbeat, and then the doubt slips away, and sleep sets in.

In your dreams you're chased by memories from your time on deck, how you and Nikolai played a game of convincing some of the crew you could grant wishes if they could beat you at cards, Tamar was the only one to ever manage, and you know she cheated. Nikolai could beat you, you knew this, but he never did, in your dreams you remember the conversation when you asked him why, and in the favour of the game he answered, "when I have a wish worth making I will come to you." You had thought of plenty of wishes worth making in the time since, but he had asked for none.

His eyes are glazed with sleep as he blinks awake, the sunrise seeping in and setting the room into a gentle glow. You haven't moved, his arm stretched over you as a silent request for you to stay close, a request you are far too happy to oblige, even if you know better.

"How many rooms did you wake up in before this one?" you ask, bringing a glass of water to your lips.

"Only my own," he says, voice groggy as he stretches. "I thought maybe whatever it was had left itself on the ship."

"Yet you find yourself here again," you say. "You should probably get back to your room, your highness, before they bring you breakfast and set off some type of alarm when they see you missing."

"I doubt that is a likely outcome," Nikolai yawns.

It happens twice before you start to get into a pattern of waking him up shortly after the bells ring out for morning.

3

You open an eye to see Nikolai as he slips into the bed beside you. "For a Prince you have terrible manners," you tell him in his sleep, "could at least learn how to sleep-close-my-door, if you can sleep-open-my-door."

He moves and you see a dark patch against the white of his bed shirt and your sudden alarm peaks as he leans close to you. "Nikolai," you say a little too loud, a little too snappish and he wakes up.

"Sorry," he starts his apologies, "I don't-,"

"No," you warn him, "you didn't, just hush, are you bleeding?"

Nikolai sighs and sinks into the comfort of your bed, and you lean over him, examining the blood soaking his shirt. "You're injured," you state. You gently tug the soaked fabric away from his body, to try and prevent it sticking to the wound. "Can I?"

"I wake up in your bed most mornings, I think we can skip the fake modesty," he says, smirking at you. You give him a gentle glare but roll up his shirt. His wounds were bandaged but in his sleep he seems to have gently pulled some of the fixings away.

"Nikolai," your voice is more hagridden than he is used to hearing it, usually you are more inclined to mock him in situations like this.

“I am fine," he insists. "Needn't fuss, it is just a flesh wound... a few flesh wounds.”

You shake your head at him, and reach for clean bandages in your bedside table, he doesn't ask as to why you have them and you don't seem inclined to offer an answer as you fix him up. "Nikolai, you're a prince again, not a solider, not a privateer, a prince, you cannot be getting all cut up," you tell him, soothing a hand over his bandages. He frowns and looks at the sheet of your bed.

"I believe that is my blood," he says, "my apologies."

"Only apologise for not keeping it in your body where it is needed, I will hear no apologies for the mess."

Once you're done you start to get to your feet. "Where are you going?" he asks, cocking his eyebrow at you.

"To close my damn door, is that okay your highness?" you ask, hearing the door click close. You'd wanted to close it sooner, but had gotten distracted. You should have closed it sooner, but how were you to know that Vasily would be wandering the halls, looking for a drink and would stumble a glance through your open door to see you and Nikolai. How were you to know that, you leaned over the second prince of Ravka, in your bed, your back to the doorway, whispering in hushed tones would be caught by Vasily. Had you known, you would've easily guessed the conclusions he must have drawn from the sight, but you return to your bed none the wiser, at least now satisfied at the locked door.

"Nikolai what do you dream of?" You ask quietly, not sure if he is still awake. His breathing pattern shifts slightly.

"I don't know," he lies, you know he is lying, but you don't call him out on it, "I don't remember my dreams."

4

Something felt wrong before you even had reason to realise it. You could hear the footsteps down the hall, and you wondered how late it was, or how early. It felt... too soon somehow. The sun hadn't been long buried by the gulf of the horizon. Usually it took more time passing for Nikolai to fall asleep, and only in the depth of that sleep did he find his way to you. But the footsteps continued to get nearer, and you knew there was really no other reason for someone to be down this way at this time of night.

You rolled over, letting your eyes fall on the curtains, knowing he will let himself in. You feel tired, but not because sleep is calling you but rather the weight of the day is pressing you into your bed.

The door opens and you don't bother looking up, even when it shuts again, even when the pacing of the strides seems unfamiliar, part of you is screaming something is wrong, but you've been thinking about that for a while, but this is a different type of wrong. Not the, we shouldn't be getting so comfortable, not the, we really need to address this situation, not the, you're catching feelings for Nikolai Lantsov, type of wrong. Not the, you're realising you've had these feelings for a long time and they've only just been getting worse with every night he spends in your bed, kind of wrong.

No. This is the type of wrong you can recognise with your eyes closed because of all those things, because you know all the little mannerisms of Nikolai, awake or not, you know how he moves, how he walks, fuck you know how he breathes, you are sure you could pick it out in a crowded room. And this, this wasn't right.

It's when he goes to kiss your neck that you know, that you're sure, but the words come out of your mouth before you open your eyes, "none of that," you say too softly.

"Why don't you let him kiss you?" Vasily asks. You knock him so hard and fast away from you, shoving him with enough force that he falls back off your bed. "Strong one, huh?"

"What, the fuck, are you doing here," all rage, any trace of confusion gone with the sight of those sickly lion eyes. You're not sure what it is about the king and his first born, but they have this eagerness, this entitlement that Nikolai doesn't have in those eyes. They think everything is owed to them, that by breathing the air owes them a debt. You think they'd be this way royal or not. And the way Vasily eyes you now is no exception, he seems to think he is entitled, and he is so many shades of wrong.

It might be the collision of body with floor, and the resounding sound that seems to echo in these walls, or maybe it is the tone of your voice and the sharpness of your words, but whatever it is, it jolts Nikolai from his sleep just before his hand lands on the door of your room.

"Come on," Vasily looks you up and down as if to say 'don't play coy,' and you want nothing more than to cut those eyes out. "I know you like a prince."

Nikolai snaps at that, it sobering him into a sense of alertness he hasn't felt from rising in a while. He might have grown complacent in this calmness, waking most mornings to the gently sound of your voice bringing him back to the world.

Nikolai has his brother by the collar before you can get another word in, and Vasily just rolls his eyes. "Don't like the idea of waiting your turn?" he mocks. You would curse him out, but Nikolai is steps ahead of you, holding his brother tighter and pushing him with more force than he should into the wall. Those eyes of Nikolai's look fierce even in the dim light. "Not eager to share?" Vasily asks, trying to keep the mocking tone, trying to show no agitation, "you never have been, but being protective of a whore is a little much."

"If you so much as look at them again Vasily I will commit acts of treason," Nikolai warns, his voice so steady, so pledging that it doesn't suit the words of heralding threat he is speaking.

"Brother," Vasily tries. Nikolai slacks his grip only to shove Vasily once against, shoulders first, against the wall.

"Do not call me that right now," he warns. And all that usual hybris and bravado that Vasily holds onto, that self importance drains from him in this shadowy dark of your room. Nikolai giving him a look that dismisses any doubts Vasily might have that Nikolai could not do him harm. He could, and he will, and that's a promise as much as a threat. "Get out."

Vasily shakes himself off, and pauses, as if to have another word, some quip, but a look of withholding in Nikolai's eyes makes him think better of it, and he leaves promptly, which you're confident is the only thing keeping Nikolai from violence. One more word from Vasily's mouth, the snarky tongue of that future king, and Nikolai might not have been able to hold himself back any further.

"Nikolai," you say, as if you calling to him might bring him back. His gaze turns on you, and it's urgent and desperate, searching you without a second thought, all impulsive and concern.

"I am so sorry," he starts with the apologies, you've gotten oddly used to hearing him say these words, but they've never been less needed.

"Vasily is not your fault," you remind him. He moves closer, wrapping his hands around your forearms, fingers tracing delicate circles, to calm down.

"He would've have come here if it wasn't for me, he..."

"He must've seen," you finish, "he made assumptions, wrong ones, but understandable ones."

"Nothing about accusing you of being a whore is understandable or forgivable," the protectiveness of how he talks makes you want to kiss him on the forehead and pull him in tight. You settle for a soft chuckle. "Why don't you lock your room?" He asks. It isn't an accusation, not a way to shift blame, it is just a question that has played on his mind and now he has a reason to ask.

"Why do you find yourself in mine?" You ask in return.

"Because you let me in?" he jokes, and there it is, amongst that boiling rage, that keeps him clinging to your arms to not run after his brother and commit those acts of treasons he threatened to commit, is Nikolai.

"Prince Nikolai Lantsov, Major of the Twenty-Second Regiment, Soldier of the King's Army, Grand Duke of Udova, and second son to His Most Royal Majesty, King Alexander the Third, Ruler of the Double Eagle Throne," you mock, "how many rooms did you try to get in before you found mine?" You're smiling, because you're trying to focus on him, and now, and forget the lingering feeling of wanting to drive the letter opener in your bedside table into Vasily's eye and watch him bleed across the floor.

He gives you rueful smile, trying to be here with you, focus on you, not think about his brother and the ways he wants to tear him to shreds for daring to come near you. "Only ever yours."

5

"Wake up," you whisper gently. You don't want to, you want to let him sleep, you want to let him stay in your bed because these moments are the only time you feel real lately. Everything seems to be happening around you, and to you, to Nikolai, and you feel like you have lost whatever semblance of control, or illusion of such control, you ever had. But especially since Vasily and that incident, things have been even more complicated. Vasily is too much of a coward to call Nikolai out for threatening him, or for showing him up. Vasily is too much of a coward to confront Nikolai directly at all. But he has been making things difficult. So you're being extra careful. And the idea that this, whatever it is, might be coming to an end all too soon, is not passing you by.

"I'm back again," he says, blinking into the day. He hadn't woken when he let himself in and you hadn't wanted to disturb him, so you'd shut the door and tucked him in and fallen asleep, forgoing any of the chitter chatter you both would usually have in the early morning. But even though the sun was yet to rise, these thoughts were keeping you awake, and your need to talk to him was outweighing it all.

"I changed room," you remind him. This was something else you'd taken to doing after Vasily. "How is it you always find my room?"

"Because I must be looking for you," he says. Those tired eyes, look at you and if you would let yourself consider it, you'd call the look in them longing, you know it must be how you look at him. Your gazes overflowing with the need and yearning that aches, your craving for him being near you worsened by every small moment.

"Is it time?" he asks. You move a small part of his sleep tousled hair back into place and the sound of his voice, the cadence reminds you of a few nights prior.

"Tell me to leave," Nikolai said.

"I won't," you told him. "Just rest."

"Not yet," you murmur, "you can rest a little while longer, I just wanted to hear your voice." The confession is out of line and you know it, but the lines are so blurred between the two of you now that they feel more like suggestions than rules.

"I thought you said I talk too much," he says, face turned part into the pillow and part resting on your shoulder.

"You do," you tease, "but I kind of like that about you."

"I am growing on you," he says, so close to falling back to sleep, "or you're going soft."

"Never," you taunt, "I don't do soft."

+1

Things only got more complicated, like you knew they would, but you never could have predicted where you stand now. You're not far from Nikolai's coronation, and you're sat in the window of the latest room you've been housed in, wondering if tonight he will come to you, or if maybe, the last night was the last night. You knew there would be a last night, but this seems sooner than you ever thought it could come and yet each night always felt like you were overstaying a welcome, living a life that wasn't yours, taking something that wasn't yours to take. Even if it had always been and would only ever be, him finding him way to you.

But now more than ever, the finite nature of it all was staring you down and you couldn't look it in the eye. He was going to be king, he was engaged to the Sun Summoner, even if only in name and not in heart, it was still a fact as much as any other. You were never going to be the option he needed you to be, you aren't even sure if he wanted that from you. Since that very first time on the Volkvolny, he has not again asleep or awake tried to make a move to change the dynamic you two shared, this quiet longing, these warm arms that hold tight but are needed elsewhere by sunrise. You have no way of knowing what he wants, even if his sleep always brings him to you. And even then, wants are not always enough.

The door opens behind you and you turn around, it's early, the moon not quite where you'd expect it to be to be seeing him, but when you turn his eyes meet yours and you can see that he without a doubt, awake. "Moya tsaritsa," you say, "what do I owe the pleasure?"

"None of that," he says, he loves the attention, he loves the joke and the teasing of your tone, he even loves in his way that he will actual be king, but he is not yet king, and in this moment, with you, feeling anything but weary of the title feels inappropriate to him. "Not yet anyway."

"Fine, moi tsarevich, what do I owe the pleasure?" you correct. There is a distain in his glance that he keeps playful. "Now if you've come here under the impression I will be granting wishes, you are mistaken, I have long given up that business."

"I wish I could control myself around you," he replies, and that makes you still. "Is that a wish you can grant me?"

"Is that a wish worth making?" you ask, barely daring to move.

"I suppose not," he admits, "I don't think I would really want it." He moves the distance of the room to be beside you and you can feel his presence as it joins yours, as if it had been missing from you the whole time, like a part of you was simply returning home.

"You are awake," you say, no explanation is needed. He nods.

"I am," he admits. "As are you."

"I am often awake until you arrive," you tell him.

"And on the days I don't?" he asks. They are few in number, you'd both attest that since the first night his sleep based visits only became more and more frequent until they are almost all the nights, a night to every day bar one or two.

"I don't really sleep," you confess, after all, what is a tiny confession like that between the two of you now. You can feel his need to tell you something, the question that he isn't asking, and you want to make it easier for him.

"Ask me what I dream of," he says, "I know you asked me once, and I said I did not remember my dreams, but I lied," the content of the confession isn't surprising but the confession itself takes you off guard. "Ask me again, what it is I dream of."

You can't, you don't know how, the words escape you and the request that falls from your lips in their place might be equally as damning. "Tell me that I cannot have you," you say.

"What?" he asks, turning his head to look at you. You keep your eyes focused on the glass, and the view of the courtyard.

"Tell me that I cannot have you," you repeat, trying to keep the feelings bursting out of you from your words. "Is that a wish you can grant me?"

He says your name and you look at him, and that's it, the words come falling out of you before you can keep any of them down. "Tell me that you can never be mine. Tell me that you are going to marry Alina, or some Shu Princess because that is your duty. Tell me that you shall be King and I could never be more than your whore. Tell me I could never be your spouse. Tell me that you do not want me. Tell me I could never be more than a paramour. Tell me that too much is at stake for you to care about me. Tell me that all these nights you've found me in your sleep have meant nothing. Tell me you do not think of me. Tell me you do not dream of me. Tell me it's all some childish, fairytale fantasy. Ask me to ask you to leave again. Make me tell you that I could never be yours knowing you cannot be mine. Tell me you do not have feelings for me Nikolai. Tell me," your voice cracks, "please."

"I will not," he says. "I will not force myself to live with another lie on my conscience, not one this heavy. I cannot tell you any of those things because I have never wanted to make you anything other than mine. I will not tell you that lie even if it's supposed to be a comfort to us both, I cannot, I will not," he takes one steady breath, those eyes still on yours, and you see the puppy prince you once knew in the eyes of the King you've grown to love, "ask me to leave," he manages, "but not because it's right. Not because I am royal. Not because of duty or honour. Not because you think I should choose Ravka over you, as if those were my only choices. Do not ask me to leave because it's what you think you ought to do. Ask me to leave, if that is what you want me to do. I will never ask anything of you again. Do you want me to leave?"

"No," you say. You never have. You have never had it in you to want him to be anywhere but nearer than he is, closer, with you, always.

"All of my dreams," he says, moments before his lips meet yours, "they've always been of you."

[nichyevosobachka]

Zoya: If you do that again, I'll throw you out of that window, you- what are you doing?! Nikolai: Checking to see how high the drop is, see if it's worth it.

[spinnysocks]

the best edited compilation of scar?? sometimes i forget just how brilliant scar's animation is in portraying his personality until i watch vids like these or rewatch tlk 1 :]

[jahayla-parker]

King of My Heart : Nikolai Lantsov x Reader Series

Description: Princess Y/n and Nikolai have known each other since they were little as their families would visit each other every summer. However, Y/n and Nikolai seemingly always hated each other. To make matters more complicated, their parents arranged for them to marry. Will they be able to get along enough to maintain a political marriage, will they truly fall for each other, or will their hatred continue to tear each other apart until there’s nothing but destruction?

Warnings: angst, hurt-comfort, friends to enemies, enemies to lovers, pining, crush(es), flirting, dancing, arguments, fighting, insults/bullying, attitude, typical Grishaverse topics and themes, kissing and other romantic behaviors and content, misunderstandings, bantering, etc.

Notes: This is an ONGOING series. When a new part is scheduled for release/to be posted, I’ll update this masterlist with those details. I’m hoping to keep updating it frequently and routinely, but please bear with me if that’s not always 100% the case!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Thoughts on if I should continue?

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[kanejbr3kker]

I have no idea what I just read but it may or may not be the cure to chronic depression

[ao3feed-grishaverse]

by DarthLesbian

Zoya lives much longer than she would have liked.

Words: 881, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 2 of Shadow’n’Bone

Fandoms: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Major Character Death

Categories: Gen

Characters: Zoya Nazyalensky, Original Grisha Character(s)

Additional Tags: Immortality, Book 2: Rule of Wolves Spoilers, Post-Book 2: Rule of Wolves, Mentioned Nikolai, Mentioned Genya Safin, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, character study ish, Angst

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/jcRYZEo

[whatdoessunshinetastelike]

two brothers

god help me ive gone back to the movie franchise i was obsessed with when i was 11

also here is what i think their parents looked like (would probably be better in color but i dont feel like trying to do that)

[frost-queen]

For the picking (Reader x Nikolai Lantsov)

Requested by: @lareinaa007 Forever tag:@missmelodramatic, @merlin-dahlia, @alex--awesome--22 @elllie-does-the-posts, @floatlosers, @merlieve, @queen-of-books, @glimmering-darling-dolly@denkisclown, @wildieflower, @meyocoko, @bubblybrianna, @justanothercoco@subjecta13-thefangirl, @m-rae23, @harleyquinnswifeyfrfr, @swampthing07, @melsunshine, @panhoeofmanyfandoms, @venomsvl, @the-uncoordinated-house-cat, @rosecentury,  @imagines-by-her, @vviolynn, @evilcr0ne

Summary: I altered the storyline a bit I think cause I haven't read KOS yet sorry. Reader is one of the potential brides for the King. She doesn't like him, thinking he is stuck up for bringing all these princesses here to pick from. After he saves you from drowning, you have a heart to heart by the fireplace.

Wheels toggled over the gravely road. Picking up dust with it’s speed. Carriage wobbling around as those inside got shaken. You sighed annoyed spreading your arms to held yourself in place. – “Only a few more miles.” – One of your father’s loyal servants said. Practically his right hand, signed to accompany on this trip of potential marriage with the king. The wheel hit a rock, bouncing you up in the carriage. You landed back down, tiara moved forwards on your head.

It made you groan loud puffing some hair out of your face. – “You’ll have plenty of time to fix yourself once we arrive.” – he spoke adjusting his gloves. As if not effected by the rough terrain. You reached for your tiara, pulling it out of your hair. The second you raised it up, he clicked his tongue waving his finger in disagreement. – “It is already ruined.” – you puffed out. He gestured for you to set it back down.

“Do you truly wish for the king to see me like this?” – you mocked with a sarcastic smile. He cleared his throat making you roll your eyes. You set the tiara back down, handling it as best as you could around it. Tugging some loose strays aside as best as you could. Exhaling deep, you leaned back against the seat with your arms crossed. Osmo sighed briefly. – “Perhaps you could admire the view?” – he suggested with a gesture at the outdoors.

You brought your chest up a bit, taking a peek outside. Nothing but the same boring old road in sight. – “No thank you.” – you answered letting yourself fall back. Osmo sighed again pinching the bridge of his nose. – “Princess you have to work on your enthusiasm. How do you expect the king to pick you with this attitude.” – he said. You raised your eyebrow quick. – “Perhaps that is my goal.” – you answered with a sneer. Osmo straightened his posture, folding his hands together on his lap.

“Princess I hope I don’t have to remind you of your duties and the stakes?” – Osmo narrowed his eyes, mimicking a glance that reminded you of your father’s scowl. You sighed out obediently. – “No, I have not forgotten why I am here.” – you told him pulling your glove by your elbow a bit up. – “Meet the King, seduce him, become Queen and live an unhappy marital life with a king who chose me for simply how I look or how pretty I talk.” – you declared making Osmo clear his throat in disagreement.

“Princess!” – he slightly rose his voice making you raise an eyebrow. He apologized with a deep sigh only a father figure could. – “I am well aware of your disproval of this potential marriage but think of your duties. Think of our people, think of the alliances it could bring. Our lands are being threatened by Grisha. We cannot fight them.” – Osmo declared hitting you with regret and remorse.

“You are right.” – you answered folding to your duties. – “It doesn’t mean you should like it, but please try to see all the good from it.” – he reached his hand out to take yours. – “For our people.” – he gave your hand a good squeeze making you smile faintly at him. Having Osmo around was both a curse and a blessing. A curse for he would make sure you offer yourself to the king, not giving you any chance at escaping. A blessing for you had known him your entire life.

He had been there ever since you were born. Whenever father was busy with his duties Osmo would take the time and either entertain you or calmly tell you that now was not a good time to disturb your father and that he would make sure he’d come see you after. If there should by anyone by your side right now, it should be him. Your father’s most trusted friend and advisor. Osmo let go of your hand, turning his attention to a little notebook he pulled out of his pocket. You took a deep breath, looking outside. Your doom approaching closer as you saw the waters in the distance.

Once where the fold was far behind you. The carriage came to a stop by the castle. Osmo got out first, offering you his hand as you stepped out. The sight of many other eligible princesses, you swallowed nervously. – “There are so many.” – you whispered to Osmo who placed a hand on your lower back. Perhaps to keep you in touches range so you wouldn’t run. He guided you closer to the slowly growing larger crowd of princesses and their guardians. Some were personal maidens as others were captains of the guard. A few lords with a high status within the inner circle as you recognized the pin clipped on their uniform.

Each and all likeable in their own way. Osmo pushed you closer to a girl in a red dress. She glanced briefly to you with a whiff of attitude. It made you roll your eyes. – “Don’t pay attention to them.” – Osmo whispered to you. You coughed loud, waving your hand in front of you when a girl walked passed consumed by an overwhelming perfume. – “How can I not.” – you coughed out as the sensation tickled your nose. Osmo simply gave you a stare to not be so dramatic.

It made you shrug your shoulders as another carriage came to a stop at the castle. Osmo furrowed his brows, taking out his pocket watch. You peeked curiously at the time. He tugged it away once more, clearing his throat. – “What is it Osmo?” – you asked seeing him trying to overlook those standing before him. – “Why are we not greeted yet? Brought inside? Where are the king’s manners?” – he mumbled to himself. You didn’t agree mostly with Osmo, but now you were wondering it too.

“Perhaps he has already found a bride and we are simply gawking here catching flies.” – you said with a chuckle. Osmo sighed loud at your foolish attempt of a joke. – “I’m sure it won’t be long till the King comes and greet us.” – he answered. Looking around you noticed some others were getting suspicious of this unusual greeting. Perhaps he had forgotten he had invited so many eligible princesses from all around in the hopes to find a wife among them.

You were about to convince Osmo to leave as nothing was budging when the large doors opened slowly. In the midst of it appeared a figure in a blue uniform. You stared questionable at him as he stepped through the doors, clasping his hands together. A cocky smile on his lips. – “Princesses.” – he addressed rubbing his hands together. Some giggled at the attention of being addressed. – “It is an honor to all see you. I hope your travels have been well.” – he said as you immediately got from it that he was King Nikolai Lantsov. Some princesses answered.

“It has been well, your majesty.” – a girl in a green dressed dropped into a curtsy. Nikolai smiled pleasingly at all the attention. He clapped loud in his hands startling a few girls. – “Let us get to know each other. If you would all follow me.” – he gestured with his hand behind you. You and many others turned to see what there was. The king walked amongst the princesses as they made way for him to lead the way. – “Your majesty… are we not being welcomed inside?” – a bold one dared to ask him as she strutted beside him.

Nikolai smiled. – “You are all to be welcomed, just not inside.” – he gestured once more for everyone to follow him. Osmo nudged you to follow the king. A princess puffed loud beside you. – “He’s taking us outdoors. Doesn’t he know this weather is making my skin humid.” – she whined out pulling her gloves higher up than possible. The servant she was with started fanning her. The kings intention of meeting outside wasn’t much appreciated.

Many princesses were huffing and puffing at the hike they were forced on. You looked at Osmo with a glance how foolish this was. Osmo tried not to sigh loudly at that. – “He’s maybe an alternative type?” – he whispered to you not sure what to say to this idea. You hummed mockingly in agreement. You sighed loud at the sight of the sea. Nikolai smiled presenting everyone with his ship. – “Let’s all get on board.” – he said happily as some princesses groaned. – “Is this why we hiked almost through all of Ravka for a ship?” – you heard someone complain. – “My feet hurt.” – another one complained.

Osmo placed a hand on your shoulder. – “He’ll never pick them with their whining. The chances are growing in our odds.” – he told you making you roll your eyes. Even now he still only thought of your duty. All of you board his ship with the help of him. Nikolai was waiting at the top, offering his hand to every princess to help them on his ship. Osmo bowed to the king as he got on, helped out by one of the crew. You were just behind Osmo when a hand got practically shoved in your face.

“Princess.” – he said ever so sweetly it made you nauseous. You kept your hand by your side not needing his assistance. Certainly not from such a bloated king. Nikolai furrowed his brows when you ignored his hand attempting to get on it yourself. He saw you struggle a bit, placing his hand on your lower back. – “Allow me to help you.” – he spoke taking your elbow as well. With a shove, you pushed his hand off you. – “I can assist myself!” – you called out. Nikolai moved his hands back watching you try to get up.

“Are… are you sure you don’t need any assistance?” – he asked as you looked over your shoulder to him with a glare. The king swallowed laying off. Osmo came to the rescue pulling you on board. – “Don’t.” – you told him before he could give you a lecture. Osmo simply sighed deep as if once again unable to handle an untamed daughter. You joined the others gathering around on the ship. Once everyone was on board, got you lined up. Your guardians standing a few paces behind you. Nikolai went down the line, greeting each and every one in person. You puffed loud with a roll of your eyes.

How conceited you thought he was. This wasn’t a marital allegiance; this was a fair where the best looking animal got picked out to win a prize. You felt like a toy waiting to be possibly picked up by the king who wants to play with it. You heard Osmo clear his throat behind you, making you straighten your posture with a sigh. You couldn’t hide it away. You didn’t want to be here and it kind of showed. The king was nearing you as you tugged at your gloves. Nikolai said his goodbyes to the princess as his eyes met up with yours. He stepped to the one beside you, yet his eyes rested on you. You ignored his stare too stubborn to give him any attention.

Nikolai started speaking to the girl beside you but with haste. He didn’t take his time as he did with others. He took her hand, pressing his other hand on top of hers. He then moved on to you. – “Your majesty.” – you said dropping into a curtsy. – “I’m glad you have made it aboard my ship.” – he answered with a chuckle.

You found him anything but funny. Wanting to have this greeting over as fast as possible you introduced yourself. – “Princess Y/n.” – curtsying again. Nikolai whispered your name in repeat with a smile. – “Tell me Princess Y/n what are some of your likes.” – he asked making you snort loud. He raised an eyebrow with a funny smile. – “Am I that amusing?” – he replied chuckling. You favored him with a sarcastic smile. – “Is this the base you will find a wife upon?” – you asked him without any shame. Nikolai’s funny charade dropped. You clasped your hands together between the folds of your dress. – “Tell me my king am I pleasing your choice with my beauty or has this gathering given me the wrong impression?” – you leaned a bit closer to him with a big smile.

You could practically hear Osmo restrain himself from strangling you there and then. Nikolai chuckled nervously. You dropped into a curtsy letting him know to move on. He cleared his throat moving on, yet his eyes lingered on you. You caught him staring, trying not to give in to it. Once the King had spoken with every princess, the line scattered. Small groups of princesses got formed as the King mingled from group to group. You stood a bit aside with Osmo near the railing. Osmo sighed deep pinching his nose bridge.

“Y/n! Honestly did you truly have to make such a fool of the King?” – Osmo scolded with disappointment. You swallowed nervously, knowing he only used your name when he was truly cross or disappointed with you. – “There is too much at stake. Can’t you for once put your pride aside. These prejudices against the King have to stop.” – he told you.

You lowered your gaze, shoulders untensing. – “My apologies Osmo.” – you said softly. You never liked it when he was cross with you. The feeling burning hard through your veins. Osmo took a deep sigh grabbing onto the railing. – “This isn’t a game Y/n.” – he said looking up to the blue skies. Barely a cloud in sight. – “When will you grow up and take up your responsibilities?” – he breathed out as his words cut you deep. Blinking quickly you hoped to keep your tears at bay. – “I…I…” – you started wanting to apologize when Osmo tapped the railing hard. – “I’ll go fetch you a drink. Remain here.” – he spoke out taking his leave before you could finish your words. – “I’m sorry.” – you whispered out.

Grabbing onto the railing you exhaled loud. Out of the corner of your eye you saw a dazzling figure approach. The princess who had stood beside you in line was smiling rather wickedly at you. As if she had a devilish plan in her head, still debating to give in to it or not. You straightened your posture to her. – “Yes?” – you asked direct as she giggled amusingly with a hand on her chest. – “Why are you here?” – she asked bluntly. – “Same as you.” – you answered with a gesture. – “To woo the king in marrying one of us.” – you replied with little intention to mock her. She scoffed loud. – “Is this a joke to you?” – she called out crossing her arms.

“Why are you here when you are clearly not interested.” – she said loud untangling her arms again. – “Forced?” – you replied with a shrug of your shoulders. The princess turned her head seeing the King look your way with a certain glance in his eyes. It made her grit her teeth. You weren’t even trying yet it seemed the King was interested in you. – “Unfair!” – she suddenly called out giving you a little shove. – “Hey!” – you called back in shock. The moment she saw that Nikolai was occupied in a conversation she grabbed you by the arms. – “Let me go!” – you said trying to break free.

“You don’t deserve the King.” – she grunted out pushing you hard against the railing. With a bit more force was she able to toss you overboard. You lost your balance, toggling over the railing into the cold waters. A splash washed up when you hit the water. The splash caught everyone’s attention. Nikolai’s gaze flashed in your direction immediately spotting you were gone. He quickly pushed some people aside wanting to reach the railings fast.

Grabbing the railing hard, he stared over it down to the waters. The vibration of the water letting him know something had disturbed it. He didn’t hesitate to jump after you. There were loud gasps when Nikolai jumped over the railing into the water. Your head emerged above the water, sputtering out water. Waving your hands around, you felt yourself sink more at the weight of your dress. Your head went under again, water clouding your vision. – “Princess Y/n!” – Nikolai called out swimming over to you.

The moment you went back under, he took a deep breath, going under. The water was cold, colder than he expected, yet it didn’t stop him. Underwater he saw you sink deeper into the emptiness of the waters. Nikolai swam and dove down after you. He scooped his arm around you, kicking his feet to change his position under water. Head upwards, he started kicking his feet to reach the surface. He felt the weight of your dress in his arm, but despite it he didn’t let go. His breath was nearing as he needed to breath fast. His head emerged above water, gasping loud.

Your head came above water too as he wiped his hand over your cheeks in a useless attempt to dry you. – “Princess Y/n. Princess Y/n can you hear me?” – Nikolai spoke staring desperately at you to give him a sign of life. Your chest spasmed as you coughed up water. Nikolai straightened your posture a bit so you wouldn’t choke. – “Thank the Saints.” – he breathed out brushing his thumb against your cheek.

You slapped his hand away, teeth clattering. – “Get me out of the water!” – you called out, seeing the spectacle from above. Nikolai noticed them as well, nodding. He helped you swim closer to the ship where you both got helped back on the ship. Water drenched the deck where you stood, dripping from down your dress. Osmo dropped his drink at the sight of you drenched. – “Y/n!” – he shouted running up to you. Nikolai snapped his finger as two of his crew ran over with blankets. Nikolai took them from him, placing one over your shoulders. – “Saints Y/n, What happened?” – Osmo asked in a panic.

You were shivering to the bone as Nikolai draped his blanket over your shoulders as well. – “We need warmth.” – he said placing his hands on your shoulders. Another blanket got brought for the King as Nikolai accepted it. He guided you off the ship, Osmo close. Leaving his other guests unattended. They all whispered and blinked confused as they were requested to safely leave the ship and gather back on the mainland. You were rushed into a carriage with the King and Osmo.

You were still shivering as the King ordered the carriage to go faster. The moment you arrived at the castle; you got pushed around by Osmo who followed the King. – “In here.” – Nikolai said standing by the door. Osmo pushed you inside. – “She needs to get out of those wet clothes.” – Nikolai ordered with a point. Osmo nodding pushing you behind a screen. The King went across the room disappearing behind a screen as well. – “I can handle it.” – you told Osmo who wanted to help to a certain point.

You shoved him back as he bowed and left. You started undressing, pulling the weighed down dress of you. It dropped with a loud thud to the floor, leaving a small puddle of water. There was a knock on the door as it opened. – “New cloths your majesty.” – a girls voice came through. You saw a pair of hands appear behind the screen offering you clothing. Never once you saw a face. She then hurried over to the King to do the same. – “You better get dressed warmly.” – you heard Nikolai say from across the room.

The dress was rather simple compared to the one you had been wearing. No jewels embroidered on it or any sparkles in sight. Dressed, you came from behind the screen at the same time as King Nikolai. He gave you a smile gesturing at the fireplace. You sat down before it as Nikolai came sitting beside you. Holding his hands out to warm them. – “Are you warmer?” – he asked as you slightly shook your head. He looked around for something, spotting one of his jackets he wore on his travels. You watched him get up and return with the jacket. Laying it over your shoulders. He then came sitting back beside you.

You took a deep breath, wiping your cheek a bit dry. – “This is not how I imagined to stand out.” – you sighed out. – “Oh standing out you sure did.” – Nikolai answered with a chuckle. You shot him a glare making him smile even more. You sighed again, pulling his jacket closer by your chest. Nikolai swallowed softly. – “You know… I have a feeling you don’t want to be here.” – he asked cautiously making you snort loud. – “Understatement.” – you answered. Nikolai looked with pity at the flames. – “I never met anyone who could make finding a wife feel so unpersonal.” – you added sparking his curiosity.

“I do have to admit it is an easy way. Simply invite every eligible princess in all of Ravka and she’s ready for the picking.” – you chuckled softly staring at the fires. – “Tick off a few boxes, illiminating those you don’t find pretty or smart enough.” – you didn’t mean to laugh, but it was rather funny to you. Nikolai hummed deep. – “You are right.” – he said making you turn to look at him surprised. – “I was ticking off boxes… I guess I lost the care when the pressure of finding a wife increased.” – he continued.

“So this was not your idea? To pick and take the Princess of your liking?” – you asked. – “No.” – Nikolai laughed out. – “I was far from thinking about marriage… but duties…” – he sighed out. – “Tell me about it.” – you responded. Nikolai glanced at you, nudging your shoulder with his to cheer you up. It made you smile. – “I like your smile.” – he said catching you off guard. – “It’s real. Not formed, twisted, or turned but genuine.” – he added.

Slowly your heart started to warm up to him. Something you didn’t think possible in the beginning. – “I like yours too.” – you responded. – “It’s simple, playful and honest.” – you told him as a smile formed on his lips. – “Are you any warmer Y/n?” – he asked as you hummed staring lost in his eyes. Nikolai stared right back at you guiding his hand to yours as he took it.

-----------------------------------------------------

Read more of my fics on my Masterlists!

[bey0nd-1he-stars]

Anchor - Nikolai Lantsov

Masterlist

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x reader

Wordcount: 1247

Warnings: crying, mentions of wounds

Summary: You try to find Nikolai after the fight is over to make sure he is okay (based heavily on the Netflix show but I can't say that it's spoiling something)

The sun shined like never before. After being drowning in the darkness of the Fold, the sun seemed too bright. You’d made it through the battle with just a few scratches and some torn clothes, but overall you were alright. You’d been with Tamar at the start, but when the Fold had expanded and the volcra had made its way to the fort, you’d had no other choice than to split up if survival were to be left on the map. It'd been a game of hide and seek and fortunately, you’d won. The breath you’d let out when the sun broke through and the light came back, signaling that Alina had done it, it may be the most relief you’d felt in a long time. Until you saw what the volcra had left after their brief visit and you couldn’t find any of the others. 

Nikolai wasn’t bearing any of his own weight, leaning on Tamar and Tolya as they made it out of the room and out to the frontside of the fort. Barrels and crates still stood there, a bit messier than before but otherwise it was alright. A few soldiers from the first army had started to gather those who’d been lost in the battle, they were lined up on the grass just outside the gate. Tamar and Tolya carefully sat him down on top of a pair of crates of some sort and let out a huff. Nikolai ran a hand through his blond mop of hair and started to look around for familiar faces. That’s when it hit him. Where were you? Had you survived all this chaos? You had to. In his frantic state of mind he made an attempt to get up but lost his balance until Tolya caught him. He gave him a nod in thank you and started to limp away to try and find you. 

“Nikolai? what are you- where are you going?” Tamar asked and ran up to him. She placed an arm around his waist to help stabilize him. Nikolai came to a halt and threw an arm around her shoulders and propped himself up a bit. 

“I have to find Y/N.” Tamar nodded and pulled at him, leading him into the fort again, “come along then.” 

You were almost running through the corridors, throwing every door open, shouting names into the air. Your heels made clicking sounds against the stone floor that echoed in the hallways, your kefta was torn a few places and the buttons had come undone and it flew behind you like a cloak. The tears that had gathered in your eyes got closer and closer to falling with every door you threw open. Every door led to yet another empty room where chaos had passed and left everything in a mess. Here and there you were met by a few offers from the first army, a few grisha here and there, but no sign of Nikolai, Tolya, Tamar or any of the crows. When you’d almost given up, walking out of the latest room with tears running down your face and your breath caught in your throat, gasping for air, that’s when Nikolai rounded the corner in the far end of the corridor. At the shout of your name you whipped around and the sight of Nikolai and Tamar had you almost fainting with relief. 

“Y/N!” Nikolai shouted. It echoed in the corridor and bounced off of the stone walls around you. The sun lit up the corridor and you could see him clearly. Nikolai let go of Tamar and propped himself up against the wall instead. And you ran. You ran straight into his arms, throwing yourself in his embrace and wrapping your arms around his neck, burying your face against his neck. He caught you and pressed you into him, wanting all of you as close to him as possible. He wanted to feel your warmth, your breathing and the beating of your heart. His leg was throbbing and he sunk down on the floor with you still in his arms. 

“I thought I lost you, all of you. I couldn’t find any of you,” you whispered, breathing in the scent of him and fisting the fabric of his uniform in your hands. You looked up to see if Tamar was still there but she’d left, probably to tend to Nadia. Nikolai, equally relieved as you, pressed a hasty kiss to the side of your head and placed a hand in your hair, threading through it gently. 

“Are you alright?” He asked gently and pulled away slightly to let his eyes roam your body in search of any injuries, but let out a relieved sigh when you nodded and the only wounds he found on you were not very drastic. He made a move to stand up and you pulled away from the hug but grabbed ahold of his hand instead. Nikolai almost fell against the wall when he put pressure on his wounded leg. 

“Oh Saints, Nikolai!” You gasped and wrapped an arm around his waist and you let him throw an arm around your shoulders. He grimaced and dragged a sharp breath as you stared walking back outside to where Nikolai said the others would be. 

“I’m okay,” he insisted and looked down at you. 

“You don’t look very okay,” you said softly and stopped for a moment. You placed yourself in front of him instead and he rested his arms on your shoulders. His blond hair was messy and dirty, he had a bloody wound on the side of his head, a bleeding hole in his shoulder, the same place where he’d taken his first bullet, and his leg was bloodied and wrapped hastily in a white fabric. He definitely didn’t look okay. 

“It could be worse,” he tried and his famous smirk made its way to his lips. You chuckled, still the same old humour. He didn’t seem to have hit his head at least. You softly shook your head at him and cupped his cheek in your hand, careful to avoid the wound. 

“Just because it could be worse doesn’t mean that you’re okay.” Nikolai smiled at that, you were always so caring and comforting. Something he admired greatly with you. He settled for a simple nod and you placed yourself at his side again to help him walk. When the two of you came out into the sun in the courtyard Nikolai stopped again. You assumed he wanted to rest his leg but when you looked up at him he came crashing his lips down on yours. He held your face gently in his hands, yours came to rest on his chest. The kiss was soft and gentle and Nikolai savored every second like it was his last. You could feel the thumping of his heart through the uniform. The world had stopped and you let yourself enjoy the short moment. The two of you had survived the war, it was at least worth a kiss in celebration. 

When you broke apart Nikolai had tears running down his face. His eyes were glossed over and he slightly trembled under your hands. You didn’t say anything, you just wrapped your arms around him and held him, holding him up and pressing soft kisses to his blond mop of curls. You let each other just bask in the moment. You held each other, grounding each other like anchors to the world. 

[knoepfl]

Title: The Fascination of a Freak

Characters:

Pennywise (It)

Reader (Child version)

Trigger Warnings:

Themes of isolation and bullying

Child abuse (emotional neglect)

Death and fascination with harm

Masterlist

Words: 1038

In the small town of Derry, where laughter echoed through the streets like a sweet melody, a little girl walked alone. You were small for your age, with messy dark hair that fell over your forehead, hiding the large birthmark that marred your right cheek. It was shaped like a star—a bright, red reminder of your difference, the reason the other kids called you a freak. They giggled and whispered behind your back, their laughter cutting through the air like knives as they pointed at your face. You tried to ignore them, but every taunt felt like a rock thrown at your heart, and each day, the burden of their ridicule grew heavier.

At home, you were often alone. Your parents were too busy with their own lives to notice the little girl who wandered aimlessly through the halls. You would sit at the kitchen table, staring at your half-eaten lunch while they argued about bills or lost themselves in their phones, completely oblivious to the silence that enveloped you. Their absence carved a hollow space in your heart, a void where warmth and love should have been. You craved connection, but every attempt to reach out was met with dismissal, their eyes glazed over with disinterest.

To escape the pain, you sought solace in the world outside, a place where you could explore your darker curiosities. Nature became your refuge, a sanctuary where you could be free. You found comfort in the insects that inhabited your garden, tiny creatures that didn’t judge you or whisper behind your back. You’d spend hours capturing ants and beetles, fascinated by their little lives and the way they interacted with one another.

But with each tiny life you collected in jars, your fascination with death began to grow. You’d watch them scuttle around, feeling a spark of delight when they became frantic in captivity. You weren’t trying to be cruel; you were merely curious about the fragility of life, about how quickly it could slip away. And in those moments, you felt a strange sense of power—an emotion that was both exhilarating and terrifying.

One rainy evening, as dark clouds rolled in and thunder rumbled ominously in the distance, you found yourself outside again, your mind buzzing with thoughts. The rain soaked your clothes, but you didn’t care. You held a jar filled with ants, watching them crawl helplessly against the glass.

Suddenly, you felt a chill in the air, an unexplainable sensation that sent shivers down your spine. You looked up, startled, and there he was—Pennywise, the Dancing Clown. He emerged from the shadows, a bright splash of color against the muted backdrop of the stormy night. His hair was wild and red, his smile unnaturally wide, and his eyes sparkled with a mischievous glint that sent a thrill of both fear and excitement through you.

“Hello, little one,” he said, his voice smooth and playful, yet somehow comforting. “What are you doing out here all alone?”

You froze, heart racing, but instead of fear, you felt a curious pull toward him. “I’m… I’m just looking at my bugs,” you stammered, your shyness creeping into your voice. You had never met anyone like him before, someone who seemed to glow with a peculiar energy.

“Bugs, you say? How delightful!” Pennywise knelt beside you, his gaze fixed on the jar in your hands. “You have a fascination with them, don’t you?” His eyes gleamed with something—interest? Amusement? You couldn’t tell.

You nodded slowly, feeling your cheeks flush. “Yeah… I like to watch them. They move so fast, and it’s interesting.”

“Interesting indeed,” he replied, tilting his head. “And what do you do with them once you’ve captured them?”

You hesitated, knowing that your curiosity had dark undertones that others might not understand. “I… I like to see how they move, but sometimes I wonder what happens when they stop.”

Pennywise leaned closer, a grin spreading across his face. “Oh, my dear, death is a fascinating subject. It’s not something to fear; it’s something to understand. Would you like me to tell you about it?”

You felt a strange thrill at the invitation. You had never met anyone who spoke to you like this—someone who didn’t turn away in disgust or fear. “Yes, please,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper.

His smile widened, revealing teeth that were sharper than they should have been, but you found comfort in his presence. “Together, we can explore the mysteries of life and death. You are not a freak to me; you’re special, just like me.”

At that moment, you felt a connection—an understanding that ignited a warmth in your chest. He didn’t see your birthmark as a flaw; he saw it as part of who you were. “Really?” you asked, eyes wide with wonder.

“Absolutely!” he exclaimed, eyes sparkling with delight. “You and I are two sides of the same coin. We both see the beauty in darkness, and together, we can unlock the secrets of the universe.”

You didn’t fully understand what he meant, but the way he looked at you made your heart race. It was as if he saw the real you—the curious, lonely girl hidden beneath layers of hurt and isolation. “Can I… can I be your friend?” you asked shyly, feeling vulnerable but hopeful.

Pennywise laughed, a rich sound that echoed in the storm. “Of course! I would be honored to be your friend. We can have so much fun together.”

As the rain poured around you, you reached out and grasped his hand, your small fingers wrapping around his. It felt warm and inviting, and you knew in that moment that you had found something you had longed for—a companion who accepted you just as you were.

With him, the world felt different. No longer did you feel like the outcast, the freak. You were simply a girl with a unique curiosity, and Pennywise was the friend who understood.

The storm raged on, but together, you embraced the darkness. For the first time in your life, you didn’t feel alone. You felt powerful, and with Pennywise by your side, you knew that you could explore the shadows without fear, embracing the beauty of life and death together.

Author’s Note: Thank you for reading! This story delves into themes of isolation and friendship in a dark yet fascinating way. If you enjoyed it, feel free to share your thoughts or let me know what other themes you’d like me to explore!