#kind of lmao but just to be safe
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some days im legitimately worried a patron is gonna ask me for something stupid and i'm just gonna respond "actually, i want to kill myself"
#im a little tipsy tonight i needed to unwind and i am incapable of relaxing sober so!#healthy coping strategy it is not but i also drink like 4 times a year these days so i think im ok tbh lol#um anyway yeah genuinely not doin so hot lately im depressed both in the sense of being unmotivated#and in the sense of just being really sad all the time#or angry! hate those days#but like the inside of my head is such a horrible place lately#i'm like john green on his podcast being like 'if i said the things i say to myself in my head to another person i'd be arrested'#truly alarming shit happening in there#i just need. to rest. even tho all i do most days is lie in bed. i just need like 3 months to sleep.#oh uh also#cw suicide#kind of lmao but just to be safe#bri babbles
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💖 Day 3.5 is now available! 💖
For the last couple of months, only Server Boosters had access to the 3.5 update... Buuuuut now it's available for everyone to play in the 14DWY Discord — and soon itch.io once I'm happy with the QA and state of the game — so please don't feel pressured to join unless you want to!!
The full devlog + even more screenshots are under the cut ^^
What's been added to the 3.5 version?
📺 Streamer Mode!
I've been told that it's difficult to stream and monetise age-restricted videos on YouTube and Twitch, so I added an option to remove the sexual content and strong language used in the demo.
Now y'all can invite Ren into your bed for cuddles without putting your streamer career on the line /silly /lh
This won't affect the 18+ rating or dark themes/elements of the game, however! Although Streamer Mode will prevent you from seeing any "gruesome" CGs in the future, most of the core elements of the game will still be tied to the choices and decisions you make. So you won't miss out on the overall experience by using streamer mode!!
⚙️ Custom Pronouns!
It only took me one entire year to get around to it, but you can finally choose your own preferred pronouns (or use a set of pronouns instead)... At the cost of being able to change them mid-game ^^;
Since the original pronoun screen wouldn't update until a new scene was displayed, I temporarily disabled the feature. But once I find a workaround, I'll bring it back!
💗 Choose how others perceive you!
You can now choose how the cast and narration perceive you! Originally, the narration was kept strictly gender-neutral (outside of pronouns and genitalia picked by the player), but this will soon change in future updates.
For more clarity: you don't get to choose the words specifically, but you can choose between masculine, feminine, and androgynous terms!
📋 Separate top and bottom genitalia!
You can now choose your tatas and pps separately! >:3
Alongside that, you can also choose your preferred body type!
I removed the "both" genitalia option because a few players still assumed it was an obscure version of "intersex". That wasn't my intention and I don't want to mislead anyone, so I took it out for now ^^;
I also didn't want to include a screenshot of the new genitalia choices in action (because it's NSFW), so y'all get the same character menu screen for the nth time instead lmao
📱 Relationship Screen Overhaul!
You can now change your own status for more immersion, and long-term Server Boosters will eventually be able to submit and use their own icon within the game as well!
Stalking finding your friends has now become easier by using "Buddy Maps"; a new app that allows you to see the location of all the cast members!
I want to offer players more incentive to check the relationship screen since they tend to miss the status updates, so hopefully this might help ;v;
It also says it "updates every few hours" so folks don't go overboard and check every 5 seconds to see where Ren is gdsghf (also keep in mind that he's a hacker lol)
🖤 Additional Scenes Update!
Day 2 received a brand new CG!!!!! Originally, I planned on only adding a few CGs sporadically throughout the game, but it didn't feel right to leave Day 2 so... empty... so I added a brand new CG to (hopefully) make things feel more balanced and natural!
If you decline Teo's offer on Day 3, Leon will now call and try to convince you to reconsider. However, players are still allowed to decline, and if they do, they'll reach a dead end.
After listening to feedback on itch, I changed some of the dialogue during Days 1-3 to make it seem more consistent! They're only small changes though, so it's honestly not worth looking for sdgjssga
🎶 Updated BGM and SFX!
I wanted to try out a different style of music to see if it fits the vibe of 14DWY more! The BGM features more acoustics to suit the "beachy" theme of Corland Bay, though I made a conscious effort to include piano elements as well to stay true to the original!!
I figured it'd be better to give players a live example before I make a poll (to see if they prefer the change or not) and publish it to Itch.
Some new SFX have also been added, though it's very minimal and honestly not that noticeable.
How to download and play the update?
(warning: clicking on the following links will open Discord!!) To download the Day 3.5 update, simply join the 14DWY Discord server, verify your age, and visit the "14dwy-updates" channel!
Alternatively, you can also wait until the update is publicly released on Itch to play it as well!! (It normally gets released shortly after a round of QA testing/getting feedback from the server, though I may release it earlier if I feel like it hehe ^^)
Enjoy!!
#14 days with you#14dwy#💖 — 14 days with queue.#🖤 — updates.#🖤 — spoilers.#I'm not gonna say much about my current doxxing situation because I've got it under control now + it's being handled privately#Plus I don't wanna give it/the people involved any unnecessary attention. I just wanna announce the update and Get Back To It™️#(''it'' bein the grind 💪 It never stops lmao /silly)#OG followers will also know that these topics aren't the vibe I normally have on this blog (or any of my accounts); so I don't think I'll—#—make ANOTHER public post about the situation and bring more attention to it (when I just want everything to be over and put to rest ^^;)#However I also don't want people to think that I'm... ignoring?? the situation entirely (because gettin doxxed is a very endangering thing)#So I DO want to quickly acknowledge it here and say that it's all currently handled + I'm safe and okay + this won't stop me from—#—continuing to work on 14DWY (and other future projects). I also don't want to give these awful people more power and incentive to continue#—this kind of pathetic behaviour; so the less attention and encouragement being shown will ultimately be better in the long run :3#Aaaaaanways!! 😮💨#My other accounts will be restored shortly and my askbox will be opened once I feel comfortable. I'll get around to following folks—#—again in my own time; so please don't feel offended if I unfollowed you during a moment of vulnerability and anxiety!!#This is all EXTREMELY overwhelming and scary for someone with SAD/AvPD; and I /gen can't handle seeing it all over my timeline ;v;#Sorry this got ranty and personal again hjdsgjsdh T_T I said I wouldn't say much; so I'll shut up now hehe#🖤 — shut up sai.
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The “sfw” version 🙃
#he’s not safe for any kind of work lmao#I just made this bc I forgot to sign the other one 🤦♀️#angel dust#hazbin hotel
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𝓕𝓵𝓸𝓻𝓪𝓵𝓼 & 𝓕𝓻𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓼 🌼🌺🏵️🪻 Plum Mariko (AJW Dream Slam 1993) Jamie Hayter (AEW Dynamite 2024)
#wrestling#joshi puroresu#ajw#aew#plum mariko#jamie hayter#wrestlingedit#joshiedit#aewedit#my gifs#not just this plum gear in particular but jamies new gear reminds me of the kind plum would wear in general and it makes me happy#i love how froofy marikos gear could be#ajw dream slam#aew dynamite#women's wrestling#not even fits are safe from 'everything your fave wrestler does a 80s/90s joshi did it first' i guess lmao
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so five and lila being a thing is going right next to allison literally sexually assaulting luther in the box of things we are absolutely under no circumstances accepting as part of canon right
#tw sa mention#cw sa mention#would love if when yall reblog this you could tag with tw or cw sa mention to keep things safe!!#i actually enjoyed s4 and thought the ending was perfect to be so real#s3 really lowered my expectations lmao#tua#tua season 4#tua spoilers#the umbrella academy#s4 was fun they flubbed so many storylines but it was fun and emotional and klaus got a ton of comic book moments and there was bonding#it was fun ok#honestly in my head s3 wasn’t even canon like the timeline split#sometimes s2 isn’t even canon to me but it’s so fucking fun#it’s all fun and fucking sad and goddammit i liked it more than s3 maybe because there was less incest the bar is really low huh#unless u subscribe to the technically all the kids r biologically related thing (i do) in which case lila/diego & lila/five are also incest#but for this show ‘we may kind of be biologically related bc of magic but we don’t have the same last name & dad & childhood home’ is a win#anyway i love klaus always everyday i love them they’re everything to me#i honestly just really let myself enjoy this season bc it’s the last one and i’ve been through hell#klaus hargreeves#five hargreeves#allison hargreeves#lila pitts#luther hargreeves#reginald hargreeves#diego hargreeves#yeet my deet
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Why is the anime so weird, it's not even the same series dude?? It's like,
Anime:
GOKU: I have a great idea to bring peace to the universe, and my leadership and compassion alone will unite us all. I have No Flaws and am A True Relatable Everyman :)
VEGETA: NO! I AM THE BEST AND I WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS UNTIL I AM RECOGNIZED AS SUCH!!!!
Manga:
GOKU: Vegeta what's cornmeal made of? I know it's what the corn eats, but what's it made of? VEGETA: Hey Kakarot let's play the quiet game until one of us dies.
#dbtag#I do not understand this writing it's so bad aklsdlkasjd#Toei wants Goku to be Clark Kent SO bad and he SO isn't lmao#they're so good and dumb and rounded and complex in the manga what is the anime so afraid of#Toriyama said 'no no this man is a detached faux-immortal who has a dear pure heart but he's childlike and selfish even though he's kind'#and toei went 'got it goku's never done anything wrong ever in his life'#toriyama said 'Vegeta's gone through a lot and he's finally settling into his more mature leadership role with the confidence he's earned'#and toei said 'got it vegeta has the confidence of a high school bully except now he can interact with his family as a comedy bit'#girl hWHAT#Toei trying to group Goku and Vegeta as two people who would rather train than be with their families and Toriyama said NO Vegeta wants#to be HOME this is the first time in years that he's HAD ONE and it makes him HAPPY to be with his wife and children!!#Vegeta trains so that he can protect the things he doesn't want to lose again and Goku trains because it's the thing that makes him happies#They are NOT the same lmao And yeah Vegeta still wants to beat Goku but he also knows that Gohan could dogwalk both of them if he wanted#He also knows Trunks and Goten are going to surpass them it's not about being the best anymore he's past that he just wants to Not Need Gok#He just doesn't want to have to rely on Goku to save the day he wants to be Enough on his own he just wants to know he can be#because every time it's mattered he WASN'T and people he loved were lost to his inability to protect them and he carries that#Like Whis diagnosed him with anxiety and cptsd out in the open and Beerus said he was self-centered for feeling guilt#+ he lowkey enjoys the rivalry it keeps him goal-oriented so he can't get complacent and lazy which is what triggered his Buu Saga breakdow#realized how Fucked Up it was that having a home and loving family made him feel like he was failing and went 'wait no I won actually??'#now he's chill as fuck in the manga. cool confident leader.#and sometimes he is childish and dumb with Goku as a treat#you know what rocks about his rivalry with Goku in Super though is that it's Playful. Vegeta is learning how to Play.#You ever seen a shelter dog get introduced to a really playful dog and it takes a minute for the shelter dog to understand it's safe here#And then they're both running around the backyard playing hot potato with one braincell?? That's Goku and Vegeta's relationship#and the way the anime sleeps on that dynamic is so fucking criminal especially when it's literally canon it's in print it's out there#you had the playbook how'd you fumble it this bad#anyway that's my 25+ year blorbo thoughts I love Geets a lot okay#And I love Goku in the manga a lot I'd forgotten that he's actually a great character when Toei's not fucking up his whole vibe
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hi, small announcement! there’s a really strong typhoon in my area + country so i might be around scarcely. literally as im typing this my street’s beginning to flood LMAO stay safe 🥰💕
#oomfs in the philippines stay safe 😔👏#me sitting on a box going hear ye hear ye LMAO#[ 𝐢. ] ooc › i love the kind of woman that will actually just kill me.
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AND THE WAY!!!!!! THE BOYS COVERS ALL HAD THEIR 2/3 GUMIS IN FRONT OF THEIR LEADERS BUT!!!!!!
ITS ICHIJIKU IN FRONT OF OTOME!!!!!! ITS OTOME IN FRONT OF NEMU!!!!!!! YOU COULD EVEN SAY OTOMES STOPPING OR SHIELDING NEMU WITH THAT POSE OTOME IS BACK FR I FEEL!!!!!!!!!!
#this is vee speaking#NEMU BEING STOPPED IS MY PREFERRED INTERPRETATION#NEMU DOESNT WANT TO BE PROTECTED ANYMORE LET HER BE THE SWORD SHE WANTS TO BE#AND SHE PUT IN OVERTIME MAKING SURE CHUUOKU STAYED SAFE WHILE OTOME AND ICHIJIKU WERE DEALING WITH IDENTITY CRISES ITS TIME FOR HER TO CHILL#AND PLS LET THAT BE WHAT OTOME IS LETTING HER DO#RELAX NEMU THE FOUNDATIONAL QUEENS ARE BACK AND READY TO OPPRESS AGAIN PLS I NEED THIS FOR THEM LMAO#AND I HOPE THATS ALSO ICHIJIKU WHO IS FAR TOO KIND FOR HER OWN GOOD#ALSO CHOOSING TO STAND FOR WHATS RIGHT AND WANTS TO STAND BY OTOME WITH THAT HEART INSTEAD OF THE ONE THAT JUST BLINDLY FOLLOWS HER#OTOME MAY NOT REGRET A THING (I HOPE WE HEAR WHY SHE THOUGHT RETIREMENT WAS THE ANSWER)#BUT ICHIJIKU IS IMPLIED TO SO I HOPE SHE CAN BE AT ODDS WITH OTOME#WHILE STILL BELIEVING IN THE VISION SHE AND OTOME HAD FOR THEIR NATION#LIKE DOES ICHIJIKU NEED TO LET GO OF SOME OF THAT ANGER THATS KEEP HER HEART COLD????? IS THAT WHAT GET FREEDOM IS ABOUT????????#WE FINDING OUT IN DECEMBER YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE#c: otome#c: ichijiku#c: nemu
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Ok idk how to start this but, DBH fandom- there should be more Connor and Simon friendship fics.
Like- don’t get me wrong I love all the fics where Connor joins the Jeri-crew but, for some reason, I feel like Post-Deviant Connor would really get along with Simon specifically . I tried to think of a reason why (other than bc they’re my two favorite characters) and I think it’s because they’re so similar- but also like… ever so slightly diffrent.
They both (again- thinking Deviant Connor) care about others and are nice, and have a placid, intentional innocent look about them (Simon cause he’s a caretaker android and Connor cause he said it was to appeal to others) and yet they’re both incredibly stubborn and very much capable of violence. However, I think Simon tends to see violence as a very, very last resort while I feel like Connor would be a little more quick to resorting to violence if the situation warrants it.
And Simon is capable of violence! He’s a stubborn piece of shit about his ideals! Side rant bout Simon’s fandom characterization; despite how he’s sometimes depicted- Simon is not some “soft UwU boy who stumbles over his words constantly (EspEciAlly if MARKUS is around hu hu hu *wink wink*) and likes to take care of everyone ✨ by being an overbearing, smothering mother ” (I hate when he’s reduced down to that) Just because he’s nice and empathetic doesn’t mean he’s a weak, push over. I mean, hell, dude kept Jericho standing for who knows how many years. He had to insist AND UPHOLD the rule that they don’t leave the ship. Dude straight up wields a gun and kills people if you go the violent route. He obviously doesn’t like it- and any times he promoted to hurt people it usually fails (Thinking of trying to attack the first 2 guards at Stanford or taking the L during the March) but he does it if he’s pushed into it! And he’s headstrong too! Not some weakling who can’t think for himself. Just because he follows Markus’ ruling- dosent mean he’s some pathetic simp who’s only doing it cause it Markus the one who saying it (ok maybe it’s a little bit that- but he’s their leader! He calls the big shots. No duh he’s going to do as he says because he’s the one who gets final say!) I’m pretty sure if you choice the violent route he’ll push back at every turn and he’s soooooooo snappy to the others if Markus is kicked off cause he really thought he would help them. And while I know there are some great , 3D interpretations of Simon- there are quite a bit that, while not to the extreme that I said, tend to flatten Simon to either being just “caring” or “anxious”. And while a lot of his character is caring and anxious, it’s not ALL of it, and there’s that whole other side to him that you’re missing!!! Give him a mf backbone!
Anyway rant over, why Simon specifically as a friend and not the others- well I feel like Simon’s the type of guy who is so easy to befriend and get along with. He’s also, as I mentioned before this long rant, very similar to Connor in personality. Being split between his Machine coding and new Deviancy- I feel like Simon’s also the perfect middle to comfort him and be the friend that man desperately needs.
I don’t know how to explain why I feel this, genuinely! In my opinion/hc, I feel like after the revelation and everything, if Connor were to go back up to the Jeri-crew and try to befriend them: North might try to make niceties since he helped them in the end, but it’ll take a whillllleeee and a lot of effort to break down her defenses. Josh and Markus will try harder to be friendly, but ultimately treat it very businesslike and orderly- cause to them, Connor was more like an ally they gained in the heat of battle then a friend they made. Contrary to belief I feel like Markus wouldn’t extent an offer for Connor to join their crew as one of the leaders. He’s literally an outsider who BROKE in. He had to talk him through breaking his deviancy so he wouldn’t shoot him. He joined the cause at the very, very end. If anything, he’d see Connor as one among the many of their people who helped fight for their freedom (similar to the guy you turn in the Cyberlife supply run)- not a personal, close friend. And Josh, though not thinking of Connor as “one of his people” cause he’s not the head leader, still wouldn’t exactly be eager to befriend Connor. I feel like Josh’s pacifism and Connor’s ruthlessness would clash too much? Sure they’d hang out- but it more of a surface level friendship where’d the offer to grab a metaphorical drink or something is made but never really followed up on. But Simon- if anything I feel like Simon would be the one to check up on Connor and see how he’s doing. Having being deviant the longest, and therefore the wisest and more in tune with his feelings, I think Simon would emphasize and understand the chaotic circumstances of his awakening and try to befriend him genuinely.
All this to say- I need more Connor and Simon being friends. I need Simon to be friends with Connor separately from the group (Cause let’s be honest- he’s so sick of North and Joshs content fighting on that ship bro needs a not of a break). I need them to be kind to each other but also have a snarky, sarcastic relationship, where they both can give as much as they can take. I needed this so bad, I’ve actually come up with a little fic idea for how this supposed friendship would start.
And because this post is already so long- I’m putting it under the cut- but here’s the tagline- Connor and Simon befriend each other but the whole world thinks they’re dating (and they’re really, really not)
So it’s set after the Pacifist and Deviant Connor ending. The Jericho 4 has spread out to tackle the post- revolution issues. Markus and North head to DC to tackle the law making side, Josh travels out around the state/ to nearby cities to set up and help other Deviants while Simon stays in Detroit to help those there.
Simon- being lowkey sad and lost that his teammates spread out, head out for a walk in the snowy dark at like 3am. He’s not exactly a leader in the way Markus is, so he’s struggling with all the attention and pressure it takes to essentially govern a whole city of people. Of course he’s also feeling a bit lonely since everyone there treats him like a god or celebrity. Sure the little gang that he “lead” before Markus is close with him but they’re all out exploring their new freedom. And of the few new androids friends that he’s made, there’s always that feeling of never being able to truly connect with him- some wall he can’t quite break.
While he’s walking he stumbles upon Connor- sitting in the park, Sumo in hand, very lost in thought. Having never interacted much during or even after the whole revolution (since there was so much to do immediately) Simon tentatively walks up and says hi, asks what he’s doing out here at 3am. Gets asked the same thing, and eventually said be needed to clear his head with Connor relating. Eventually it’s revealed that Connor’s also feeling lost and lonely, being the only deviant to stay with the police department. Took a lot of fighting in between Hank and Fowler but eventually he was able to join as a consultant? Some other volunteer position cause he can’t technically get paid (and if he did- what would he spend it on? The food he dosent need to eat? At the abandoned Cyberlife store whose supplied are already being ransacked and distributed?) for now. He generally just hangs around the department with Hank for lack of anything better to do (for those of y’all who watched it- think of Psych with Connor as Shawn Spencer [now isn’t THAT a fic idea]). Not everyone is exactly friendly to him there, and it’s awkward to him to try to be friends with those who saw him as his machine, deviant-hunting self. Also Deviant Connor is socially aware and thus socially awkward so he’s not great at making friends- deviant or human wise.
Bla bla bla- after passing back and forth woes- Simon’s like: “you know what- you’re cool, let’s be friends- it’ll solve both our loner problems.” Very straightforward. Connor’s agrees agreeing stating the mutual benefits (getting to rant about android related problems/ general frustrations and being able to go out somewhere with someone when bored.)
They exchange com-links or numbers or whatever and it’s the start of a great friendship as they get into situations. The media eventually think Simon and Connor are dating cause they hang out so much and it’s the talk of all the media sources. They aren’t and never will (in my head at least- Connor my aroace icon. But this could also be a perfect Connor/Simon fic if that’s your thing) but despite that they keep getting into situations that make it look like they are. It’s very funny. Like Hank will be like “CONNOR! Are you dating…. one of the brutal leaders… of Jericho???” And Connor will be like- “No, Hank wtf” but then immediately accidentally fall into Simon’s arms after stumbling and they’re both like “Fucking RA9, we’re never beating these dating allegations huh.”
This could be a Gen Connor and Simon character study that’s disguised as a fic- but as a Markus/Simon girlie- to make it Markus/Simon- throw in Markus being lowkey jealous as he gets word of this- eventually deciding to come back to Detroit while North stays in DC after the biggest laws are finished being drafted. Cue funny ha ha situations and such. Personally- I don’t see Markus as being an outwardly, possessive jealous-type (as in- he’s not a guy who likes to admit and show he’s jealous) so his reactions to every new SituationTM Connor and Simon end up in is him going “oh… 😀🧍🫠” which I personally find really funny
Anyways- ending this off by saying I expect nothing by shouting all these fic ideas (and there will probably be more for other fandoms lol) and thoughts into the void- I just like sharing these specific scenarios that I make up cause I think other would like them. So maybe you too can also rotate these situations in your brain before you go to bed 😀👍
#detroit become human#dbh#dbh connor#dbh simon#dbh markus#dbh north#dbh josh#dbh jericrew#i need a fic tag#fic ideas made specifically for me by me#yup that’s it#I really do want to write these some day#despite never writing before#simkus#kind of? Its at the end but its there#I won’t do all the tags of this ship ig just to be safe#lmk if people actually read and like these ideas- cause I have like two more for other fandoms lmao
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I just realized the two fandoms I left are all because of the fandom itself and how miserable it is there. ppl just can't respect other ppl's boundaries and would throw in words that they don't even know the meaning of. I mostly keep to myself but some of it was so loud I'd heard it from other ppl and would sometimes end up seeing it. like some artist would leave and sell all the merch they bought just because ppl bullied them so bad over being a fan of a character. or you just ship smth and ppl would bully you for it. like these are simple ships and some got driven out coz of how hostile ppl are. seeing all that shit really is just demoralizing and not make me want to put content for those fandoms anymore.
#the last one tho about ships...#cant even post shit coz of fear#even if your ship is the most wholesome you get shit on#no one is safe bruh#ryomina has been so freeing for me hfksjdksjd#coz I'm not alone#ppl are crazy for them and I'm crazy for them too#also I'm not taking my chances this time I'm mostly surrounding myself with my jp and cn moots#also they make awesome merch for me to buy ehehe gimme more ryoshu merch#but yeah like I'm not gonna dive deeper into the p3 fandom#I'm gonna stay in my own bubble#you guys are already enough and so kind so far#I'm not gonna waste my time and engage in infuriating ppl that are so terminally online#idk why this suddenly came up I just wanted to rant#ig you're safe in that fandom like if you ship one of the most popular#the most popular yeah but it's the blandest thing I have ever seen#but you do you I respect that#if you know what I was drawing before p3 then yeah it's from that fandom#but yeah anyway I do wanna talk more about ryomina but I'm bad at talking to ppl lmao
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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The fuck when it’s 2 am, and the electricity just came back and you swear you could see and hear movement outside your fucking window before said electricity came back for a solid half an hour:
#MdPoc.says#LMAOOO I’m kind of paranoid so as a bitch who lives alone I can never be too safe#took the knife in my kitchen outside my door so quickly lmao#i live in a compound with a few neighbors but you never know :))#yeah prolly just paranoia lmaoooo
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from a vibes perspective, i totally understand why so many people look at keefe and go ‘this guy would be the male equivalent of a wine aunt when he’s older’.
but. but.
taking lore into consideration, in my heart, he’s terrified of alcohol (even if he tries really hard to hide it). because. like. his first exposure is almost guaranteed to be through cassius, and cassius canonically threw a glass extremely close to him at least once when he was, like, 8. maybe cassius wasn’t always extra nasty when he was drunk, but there’s gotta be a correlation in keefe’s brain between risking getting seriously hurt (emotionally or physically) and alcohol consumption that’s really hard for him to shake.
#tw alcohol#tw child abuse mentions#lmk if there's more trigger warnings i should put#i have a thing for hurt/comfort lmao#kotlc#keeper of the lost cities#this is brought to you by:#that one fic my brain started writing internally where it's sophie's 21st bday and she's like man i#have saved the world so many times we've all lost count. i want a fucking drink#and keefe's internally like OH GOD OH FUCK in a bad way but externally he's like yeah babe whatever you want!!#and then she's like. i don't wanna do anything super stupid though. and drinking alone is super stupid when you've never drank before#will you stay w/ me? please?#and keefe's like. i cannot say no to that face#so he spends the night doing an increasingly bad job of hiding how bad he's freaking out#because sophie is a safe space and alcohol is not safe and he doesn't know how to deal w/ the two colliding#ESPECIALLY since sophie's just getting dorkier and sweeter as her filter goes down instead of throwing insults or objects at him#(i feel like sophie would be the kind of drunk that's very impulsive and says EVERYTHING that comes to the forefront of her mind#and stellarlune was more than enough to prove that she sees keefe and a lot of the time her brain just goes hnnngh soft little tortured#artist. MY soft little tortured artist.)#yeah but even intoxicated sophie can tell something's wrong even before he flinches super obviously at an empty glass falling over w/o#breaking. and so she's like nah man it's hurt/comfort time and he's like BUT YOUR BIRTHDAY and she's like do you really think i'm#gonna just let go of the fact that i know you're stressed? i'm not a dickhead keefe#so yeah it ends in cuddles. because of course it does#keefe sencen#annnnd out of the drafts this goes. post!
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this is smth thats not gonna make sense to most ppl who follow me but 'm Thinking again so tag rambly
#i really miss lightdogs! they were so fun and Yes okay the community. in hindsight. kind of sucked butt#but i had a lotta fun there and even though i DID need the money from selling my dogs i miss them#like i know the sad fam is SAFE and fine and i wouldn't wanna get them back from the person who has them bc i trust that person#and i dont .. know where the silly babies are but im sure theyre fine too#and the few others i had like redwood and whatnot i've made ocs to fit the story roles they had so i don't NEED them back#but idk there was smth about the simplicity of them that i really liked#and i haven't been able to confidently make a new oc who captures that level of simplicity without feeling Bad or making them complex#and idk. friend i like got me into them so theyre nostalgic n happy#its been like .#fiveee years... but i think about them a lot#i don't know if i'd want a Lightdog™ again or if id be happier to just find some sorta medium where i can make a character that gives me#the same emotions that the dogs did#but man if it was still a species you KNOW i'd be busting my ass right now to get sp-inspired customs from the mods LMAO#though by now i'm sure there'd be so many it'd be REALLY hard to pick a theme lolol#idk! rolls around. i'm not big on species anymore and find myself only creating one or two lately and then sorta drifting off bc i do#personal development outside of the species world#but i like the Feeling of being in a community- and when i didnt have Fandom™ to give me community i was like. unhealthy about species tbh#overworking myself and sometimes spending money i didnt really have; i like that now i'm Better about it#but man.......................... critters................................ sigh......#pine prattles#this one really is a fuckin prattle
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a lot of people seem to use Entry #61 as 'proof' for the crux of the "Brian didn't care about Tim, he was Taking Advantage of Tim's conditions and Forcing him to work as part of totheark" thing, but honestly when you think about it there's no possible way Brian could have possibly orchestrated that series of events, like you almost have to interpret that as a baffling group of coincidences
#N posts stuff#mh lb#it's not like Brian has loads of mutual friends that he could ask to call Tim out one night; Tim's departure right as Brian showed up#just has to be a coincidence ; second yes. Brian does steal Tim's meds & that's a dick move but it's almost safe to assume#that Tim and Brian had been sharing prescriptions back in S1 - that's why the pills were at Brian's house that time Jay broke in#even if Tim no longer remembers that agreement it's not like Brian is brimming with other options so i can see the throughline of it#but there's NO way that Brian knew that 1) Tim was going to immediately turn around and come back home OR#2) be in the throes of an attack when he did so ; there's no Possible way he planned for that -- even if you Could assume that like. what#Brian 'knows' the operator is following him & Somehow orchestrated an encounter 1) no that doesn't make any sense and#2) that Still doesn't make any sense bc Tim has been Plenty Close to the Operator before w/ almost no negative effects (like in#Entry 17 when it's Right behind him) so there's no possible way Brian could have predicted that would unfold this way#sure it's weird he sets up the camera in the closet before Tim comes back but that Could Have been something unrelated#after all sometimes Brian DOES deliberately put himself on camera so someone knows he's responsible for something#or maybe he even planned to leave the camera there for later but it doesn't make Sense to interpret that as him Knowing what would happen#like don't get me wrong i'm not trying to say Brian is a pinnacle of ethics and moral behavior lmfao but also it's like#a kind of incomprehensible argument to make that he was Responsible for Triggering Tim's seizure that night when for all the#information Brian had on hand when he broke in he'd think Tim probably wouldn't be back home until much later#(''but the Creators Clearly intended'' yeah sure but since the creators also failed to establish a coherent series of events that SHOW#it then like. the intent doesn't matter anymore; sure they scripted the events in close succession but that doesn't mean they#scripted Intent & if they meant to then they did a bad job portraying it to the point the supposed intent is meaningless sorry lmao)#and EVEN IF you get this far and you're Still like 'but tim went after Jay and Brian would've Known he'd do that' like. no he wouldn't#because in Entry 18 when we see Tim have a seizure the first thing he does when jay approaches him after it is Run Away#so Again there's no consistent throughline of behaviors that Brian could have Possibly known about to orchestrate jack shit
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that one post I rb'd earlier about France and laicité and Macron celebrating Chanukah is still making me made just thinking about it. That came in the same week as Masha Gessen being almost stripped of the Hannah Arendt prize because they wrote an essay about Gaza (incidentally, Gessen is Jewish). I'm just really, massively tired of the current climate in Western Europe where political and civil authorities pay lip service to diversity and pluralism but actually actively suppress diverse voices. Case in point, lots of framing Judaism = Israel while actively making life harder for their Jewish communities.
I'm not eloquent enough to word this properly, but it's infuriating to witness. It's not a new attitude by any means, but it's rooted in racism and xenophobia and I hate that it's getting so much fresh mileage lately. I wish more people (& local press) called it out for what it is.
#As an Italian: I can't even begin to explain how shitty our current right-wing government is#They love to push on the `cultural wars` and `great replacement` angle#they rely on catholicism for electoral purposes + give no shits about the rampant antisemitism + the blatant fascism within their ranks#& are openly racist and Islamophobic#But they looove Netanyahu — as a fellow right-winger#& as a fellow racist fearmonger about scary Arabs#and they're the kind of conservative western christians#who love the idea of a Jewish state just so they can send all Jews there and keep Italy catholic#also thinking about Biden who just last week said#`Without Israel there wouldn’t be a Jew in the world who is safe` like he isn't the leader of a country with a significant Jewish populatio#whose saftey should maye be HIS concern? also like. Dual loyalty? In 2023? More likely than you think#I don't really have A point here I'm just blathering but that post made my fucking blood boil#it just shows how much western european gvts like to weaponise 'religious freedom'#picking and choosing what is the unremarkable default#and they're nearly always fucking racist about it#sorry if im not making sense lmao. i'm tired#current events#european blogging
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