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wh0refornikolailantsov · 1 year ago

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Prompt: "Choose something, babe. I got nothing to believe, unless you're choosin' me."

Song: You're Losing Me - Taylor Swift

For Jesper x Reader??

Making Choices - Jesper Fahey

Content Warnings: Angst. Heartbreak. Betrayal. No Beta/Proof Reading.

Summary: When you ask Jesper to choose, and he chose you, when Jesper asked you to choose, and you couldn't do the same.

When He Chose You

Jesper's to eager grin makes you feel sick to your stomach, he is taking too big of a risk here and you know it, you are almost certain that he has to know it too. He is putting you all in danger with this move. This isn't just a bad bet. Not one bad night at the tables that he has to figure out how to ask Kaz to front him for. This is dangerously close to the cut.

He is smiling like he has nothing to prove, like nothing can touch him, like no single bet he ever placed turned sour. You love Jesper. You love his whimsy and his charm, you love the optimism and the belief he has that back to back you will make it out of everything. But when he gets like this, his heart hammering from the thrill of the gamble.

The gamble he shouldn't be taking. The gamble he should have walked away from. But he is chasing that feeling, that one he gets when people are shooting at him, that one he gets when he is rolling the dice with the odds so very against him. Like now.

But now isn't the time to be chasing that high.

"Walk," you lean down against his shoulder, playing all sultry as you whisper in his ear.

"Not a chance, I have this," Jesper says.

"Jesper," you say, a little more urgent now.

"Trust me," he says, trying to wave your doubt away with a hand.

"Jesper," you make him look at you now, make him hear you. "Cash out and walk."

He wants to argue, you can see it. The itch to keep playing is so strong that you aren't sure if he is going to walk away. You feel the fear rising in your throat. Jesper cannot make this bet. They needed to get out and be far from here, far too many deals ago and yet Jesper is getting spun into the web and you're not sure if you can reach him.

But he pulls his hat out of the ring and you feel like you can breathe again. It's not until you're out into the night air and Jesper has gone all rigid, and that cheery demeanour has not returned.

"Jes-,"

"I had it," he says, he isn't angry, he does not raise his voice, but the way he speaks make you wish he would just yell at you. It makes you wish he was angry, because this strange guilt and blame that is wavering between the two of you hurts more than any fight could.

"Jesper... you didn't have it," you say, and it hurts you to say but you know it'll hurt him more to hear. "You were going to drown us in there and I needed to get us out. Kaz would-,"

"Kaz wasn't there," Jesper says, "I thought I could prove-,"

"You cannot prove anything at the tables Jesper," you say. "Nothing you can prove sat at those tables is going to put you back in Kaz's good books, none of that will make him trust you, the only thing that will prove anything is your ability to walk away from them."

Jesper stares at you. "You don't trust me either," he says finally.

"Jesper, it's not that I don't trust you," you say, "but I know how big that pull is, I know what it's like to feel like you need something, to feel like it's a part of you, like it makes you feel alive and you come back to it no matter how much it hurts you. I know what that is like and-,"

"You don't trust me to walk away?"

"Would you trust you?" You ask. He stills, and you feel the cool breeze threaten to knock you over as not a single muscle in his body moves.

"I don't know what you want me to say here," he says.

"I want you to say you're making a choice, I don't want promises that you're not sure you can keep Jesper, I just need to know that you're trying to make the right choice."

"I am."

"At that table Jesper, I wasn't sure you would."

Jesper isn't sure what promises he can make. He knows all too well just how easy it is to find himself back in situations, against better judgment, against any promises he might have made to others or to himself. But you're looking at him now and he wants to tell you what you want to hear, but he doesn't want to fill you with fake promises.

"I am not asking for you to tell me you'll never play another round of cards, I am not asking for a miracle Jesper," you say, and you bite your tongue because of how hard this is to say, how much it makes your chest tighten. You don't want to be the person having this conversation with him, but you know your the only person who can really have this conversation with him. All the harsh words Kaz would say spiral in your mind enough to keep you going. "Choose something, babe. I got nothing to believe, unless you're choosin' me."

He runs his fingers over the pearl-handled revolvers at his side, grounding himself in the moment, here with you. He tucks a hand into the pocket of his barrel flash trousers, normally you'd try to crack a joke in the silence, match the Zemeni with his own humour and tone, but you cannot find it in you.

His eyes meet yours and you can feel the depth of what you're asking him reflected back at you. "Jesper, I am sorry," you say, "forget I said anything."

"I'm choosing you," he says, "I cannot promise that I can walk away from myself, but I can promise you I am trying, that I'll keep trying, to choose you every time."

"I am find of..." you let the smile ghost your lips, "I am kind of in love with you Jesper Fahey, for better or worse."

He smiles. "Of course you are, I am so damn lovable."

When You Didn't Choose Him

"You're not coming back to Ketterdam, are you?" Jesper asks. You are keeping your back close to the wall, trying to give Inej the space to say goodbye to Jesper, to say all the things she needs to say and that he desperately needs to hear. Inej is like a sister to him, family, and you know how hard Jesper takes loss. You feel his pain more than your own and you know that for all the jokes he will make and the smile he will put on, the role of strength he will play for Inej, this will tear him apart.

And you're not going to make it easier.

You watch Jesper plant a kiss atop Inej's head as she pulls him in for a goodbye and you're not sure you can do this. You're not sure how you can look into those eyes of his and tell him you're leaving.

Inej passes you, and her hand catches yours, a quick squeeze, a quiet show of love and appreciation. Inej is Jesper's family, but she is yours too. "You can change your mind," she says, watching you look over at him, bracing yourself.

"No," you say, "I can't."

You try to keep your approach slow, to give Jesper time to pull himself back, you expect him to pull up that mask so quickly it would be like it never fell, but when he looks at you, his tears and his pain remains. He pulls you into a tight hug without warning. He is looking for comfort in you, for solace. For steady ground when his world is shaking.

"Inej is leaving," he says, cracks in his voice threatening to tear apart all of your composure.

"I know," you say, letting your own voice fall to your emotion.

"I couldn't," he sucks in a breath, moving from the hug to press his forehead to yours. "I couldn't make it harder on her, but Saints I wish she didn't have to go."

"I know," you say again, the prickling of tears unavoidable now.

"I am going to miss her so much."

"I know."

"And she's doing it alone, we are always best as a family," he says. Family. Not a crew, or a team, a family, because that's what the crows truly are. You try not to wonder how Kaz manages to keep himself together at a moment like this, how Kaz can act as if his world isn't getting on a boat unlikely to ever return. You wish you could take comfort in knowing Kaz will remain with Jesper, but you know there is little comfort to be taken in that.

You are so happy to be in his arms right now, but you know it cannot last. "About that," you say, darting your eyes away from his. He looks at you, waiting, but the longer you stand in silence the looser his grip on you becomes. "Jesper... Inej isn't doing this alone."

You didn't know you could feel pain like this. Of all the mistakes in your life, all the regrets, the worst thing you have ever done, is right here and right now as you break his heart.

"You are leaving me too?" he asks.

"Jesper," you say, "I am not leaving you, but I am going with her."

"I am losing you both?" he asks and he cannot put up that mask again, he barely held it together for Inej and this, this he cannot hide away from. He presses his palms to his eyes, trying to stop the crying, but his breathing becomes erratic and you reach out for him. You're scared he is going to pull back, pull away, but he pulls you in closer, holding you like he is scared you'll vanish the moment he lets you go. "Stay," he whispers into your hair, "please."

"Jesper, I can't," you tell him. You know what it must have taken for him to ask that of you, but you can't. You've got to do this, for Inej and for you.

"This is selfish, I know, it's the most selfish thing I've ever done, but I got to try," he says, pulling away, placing a hand on either shoulder and looking into you like the world might just fall apart. "Please, I am asking you to stay." You turn your head and he holds you chin between a finger and a thumb, guiding you back to look at him. "Choose something, babe. I got nothing to believe, unless you're choosin' me."

"Jesper," you say, choking up, your words like acid in your mouth. "It's not about that, I would choose you, in every life time, but this isn't about that, it's not about choosing, it's not... I have to do this."

"I don't know how to do this without you," he says. "I am find of... in love with you," he clasps a hand over his mouth before finishing, "for better or worse."

"And you know in all the time I have known you Jesper Fahey, you're the only choice I ever wanted to make," you tell him, "I love you, but I am leaving, and all I can promise is that I mean to return to you."

"But you can't promise you will."

"I can promise I will try."

#shadow and bone #grishaverse #six of crows #jesper x reader #jesper fahey fanfiction #jesper fahey x reader #jesper fahey #inej ghafa

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usmsgutterson · 2 years ago

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Tear The World Apart- Jesper Fahey x tidemaker! reader

Okay!! This was requested by an anon, and anon, if you’re seeing this, I hope you like it!! I really liked the request and I was super excited to have the opportunity to write it out, and I am so sorry that this took two weeks! I promise, I meant to get it out before finals weeks started, but it started and my ability to be a productive writer went out the window because of studying. Also, if I got any of the specifics wrong, I am an idiot who has a shit memory and I couldn’t find the request that I responded to because of tumblrs shitty search system, so I apologize!

Anon asked for a slowburn, so I went ahead and had the candle burning for a decent five years, and I did two scenes per year! I meant to keep this from getting too long but I think it may have anyway, and regardless, anon, I hope you enjoy!

fic type- theres fluff, there’s angst, there’s a bit of hurt/comfort and some yearning tossed in there for the sake of it.

warnings- a LOT of death here (the reader almost dies twice--oops?) the reader sometimes wants Kaz dead and that’s discussed, poisons, stabbings, explosions and the shrapnel from those explosions leaving cuts are discussed, fire and water are both discussed a fair bit, guns and gunsmoke, and stitching up wounds are mentioned.

SEVENTEEN

You’d gone to Ketterdam with the start of the Ravkan Civil War, when you were fifteen years old. You had no plans, just the money given to you by Genya as she ushered you onto a boat that would take you to Fifth Harbor, the kefta that’d been on your back and the clothes that you’d stashed into the crossbody bag you carried.

You ended up at the Slat in search of a spot to live. Kaz had given you a decently sized room and called it a day. You ended up joining the Dregs twelve hours later, after summoning the moisture from the air and using it to shield Kaz from a stray dagger that’d been heading for his neck.

Two weeks later, Jesper joined the Dregs. Your rooms were across the hall from one another, and a friendship formed fast. You were at each others sides nearly all the time, and by the time that Inej and Nina joined up, they’d thought you to be a couple.

As much as you wished for that, such wasn’t the truth. By seventeen, you’d well and truly fallen in love with Jesper. You never said anything for fear of the love being unrequited, and most days, you just relished the casual way in which one of Jespers arms would wrap around your shoulders, the use of the silly nicknames that he used with mostly everyone else.

And still, even despite the fact that some days, the fact that you hadn’t confessed to him made your throat close up and your heart break bit by bit, you carried on.

You let yourself into Jespers room at the Slat. You refilled his kettle, found something to make a quip about, teased him over the new addition of the coffee press he’d bought the week before.

“At least my room is not barren of any sign of life,” Jesper said with a grin as you took mugs from the drawer of his dresser that he’d devoted to them. A total of six mugs were stashed there, the rest of the space being occupied with tea, various different kinds of coffee, a few sugar packets, some powdered sweetened milk, and a couple of wooden stirring sticks.

You scoffed. “My room is not barren,” you said, placing the mugs on the dresser. You touched a hand to the kettle, filling it with water without thinking. “I have my books. I have a chest with my clothes, a few mementos from home.”

“How many books is it, exactly?” Jesper asked. You turned to glance at him as he sat up, smirk playing at his lips. “Ten, perhaps?”

“Fifteen.”

“Nerd.”

“Coffee addict.”

“Tea addict,” Jesper said as he stood. “Really, Y/N. When you think about it, you’re no better than I am.”

You flipped the switch on the bottom of the kettles handle, grabbing sugar packets, stirring sticks, and coffee grounds as you waited for it to ring out a seven-toned song indicating that the water had finished boiling.

“Well, the fact that I’ve saved you from drowning twice might just beg to differ a little bit,” you said. Jesper shook his head as he grabbed the coffee press, taking the top off and pouring a roughly estimated three tablespoons of coffee grounds into the bottom.

“I’ve saved you from three stray bullets and a shiv made of fabrikator altered Grisha steel,” Jesper said pointedly. You laughed, tilting your head back and looking away for a moment.

Neither of you ever really kept score of how many times you’d saved one anothers lives through those years. You only brought it up in times like those, ones wherein jokes and quips were at the forefront of your minds. Never had you, never would you, use the times you’d saved his life against him, and in turn, neither would he.

Jesper grinned, grabbing one of the mugs you’d put out as the kettle sang it’s seven toned song. He poured some of the water into his coffee press, stirring it before putting the lid back on and letting it sit.

You took the kettle shortly after he’d placed it next to your mug, the both of you succumbing to silence as you made your drinks of choice.

“Come down to the shops with me today?” Jesper asked. “Need to get a bit more tea, as it seems, and I have to get a bit of dry cleaning. These chores are a lot less tedious with company.”

You scoffed. “I’ll buy the tea, podge.”

“I buy the tea, you buy the coffee?”

“Fine, coffee addict.”

Jesper laughed as he pulled the lever down, pouring the scalding coffee into his mug thereafter.

“Nerd,” he said.

“The nerd whom you consider a best friend.”

Jesper shrugged. “Luck of the unlucky draw.”

“Dickhead.”

Jesper laughed again, and you bumped your elbow against his arm. He repeated the gesture as you finally took a sip of your tea, trying to allow it some time to steep in the water and the packet of powdered milk you’d stirred in.

You drank your coffee and tea as you made idle conversation. Jesper mentioned the heist that Kaz had planned. You talked about how the payout was to be good--fifteen thousand kruge for a relatively large mansion in the western area of the financial district. For an easy job and a credible employer, the money was amazing--and joked about making a few jabs at Kaz’s expense.

When you left the Slat, you left it with Jespers arm around your shoulders, grin on your face, yearning consuming every part of your being as you moved. It was heartbreaking, really, and you knew that, but for the sake of yours and Jespers friendship, you would remain quiet in your yearning, object simply to suffer in silence.

Jesper laughed as he watched you pull your winter kefta off your shoulders later that night.

You’d gone with each other to run your errands. A trip for tea, coffee, and dry cleaning quickly turned from that into a trip for tea, coffee, dry cleaning, a place that sold daggers and a good cleaner for Jespers revolvers, pastries, a new book that you’d wanted that’d released the weeks before, and a stop at the Ravkan Embassy to get a letter that Genya had sent along, one with updates on things in Ravka, one in search of updates on things in Ketterdam.

“Tired?” Jesper asked.

“Don’t even,” you said, laughing to yourself as you joined him, sitting on your bed to take off the boots you’d worn. You rested your cheek against Jespers shoulder absentmindedly, not even realizing you’d done it until Jesper rested his cheek against the side of your head. “The amount of walking that was done today was entirely my fault, so I brought this on myself, but still.”

Jesper laughed again. “Yeah, fair enough,” he said. “We’ll take tomorrow off. I’ll bring the kettle, the mugs, the tea. We’ll relax in here.”

You grinned as you reached down, untying the laces that’d held your boots together to that point. You pulled the first one off and left it where it was, adjusting your foot so that the tips of your toes were against the floor, the heel of your foot just millimeters away from your bed frame. You stretched your toes, feeling yourself relax as the tenseness and the sore feeling gave way to relief.

You repeated the process with your other foot as Jesper left, returning with a basket. In the basket? Mugs, tea, and a kettle.

You reached out, touching your finger to the kettle and watching with a slight smirk as it filled with water. Jesper grinned at you as you forced yourself to stand on your feet, putting your kefta on a coat rack as Jesper plugged the kettle in and pressed the small button at the bottom of the handle.

“You all right, love?”

Your heart stuttered at the nickname.

“Well and good,” you said. “Feet hurt, is all. Nothing of real concern.”

“We’ll drink tea and hope we’re asleep before sunset but awake after sunrise, then,” Jesper said. “I’ll make sure that Kaz knows we can’t handle much of anything.”

You hummed as you fell onto your bed, head falling against the pillow. “Thank you, Jes.”

“Anything for you, Y/N.”

You hummed again. “Ditto.”

You let your eyes close, listening to Jesper as he talked about the Ice Court. Nothing had been so grandeur, so extravagant, in the days since then. You all took home your cuts of the money. Nina and Matthias had left. Inej took to the seas, Jan Van Eck was arrested and Wylan moved into the old mansion with his mother.

You and Jesper had remained in the Slat, for better or for worse. Jesper paid off his debts and you helped him put some stakes in the markets. He still gambled, by doing that, but it was less gambling, more the act of making investing smartly and cautiously. You had helped him get comfortable in his abilities as a Fabrikator, and as a result, stopped shielding your abilities as a Tidemaker, though it was such a big part of your identity in the beginning.

Jesper passed you a cup of tea after a few minutes, once you’d sat up and positioned your back so it was against the wall, pillow moved to the side so that you avoided sitting on it.

He sat next to you, shoulders touching yours.

“We deserve a few days off, right?” He asked as he cheers’d his mug against yours. “I mean, we haven’t taken a day off since the Ice Court. It’s been months.”

“Kaz will probably allow it,” you said. “After the Ice Court, I made it very clear that if he ever denied me an off day, I would start taking his fingers. I worked off almost dying on the behalf of that bastard. The money made it worth it at the time, yeah, but if he doesn’t want us taking an off day, I’ll rip his bloody head off.”

Jesper sighed, grinning slightly, and a silence draped over the two of you.

It was a silence that acknowledged everything that’d happened the day of the Ice Court. It was a silence that acknowledged the fact that you had come very close to dying, the fact that it’d been Jesper who found you.

It’d been Jesper who found you, Jesper who carried you when the last of the adrenaline left your body and your legs gave out. Jesper had gotten you onto the boat, had been the one to grip your hand like a lifeline while Nina did her best to keep you alive enough to get to Ketterdam in one piece.

It’d been Jesper, the guy who you loved so much that it hurt to think about some nights. Jesper had saved your life that day, had gone through his own grief whilst your survival was still relatively uncertain.

You’d saved one anothers lives constantly in the two years since you’d joined the Dregs. It practically came with the job, and you’d never kept score because of how frequently you saved each others asses.

But, the big times were the ones you remembered. The times where the incident resulted in more than a few cuts in need of stitching, the times where bullets between the Dregs and another rival gang were exchanged, the times where it’d been you to remove the bullet and stitch Jespers wounds, were the ones that you kept in mind always.

The times where Jesper hadn’t shot fast enough and had gotten shot himself, the times where you found yourself faced by two Druskelle and didn’t escape without a few severe bruises and poisoned cuts and stab wounds because the Druskelle had begun poisoning their knives. Those times were the ones you remembered solemnly, the ones where you took a moment to feel grateful that the other was still alive.

“I don’t know what I would’ve done if you’d died,” Jesper whispered. “I really don’t. I--”

“You would’ve moved on,” you whispered, taking a sip of your tea. “You would’ve grieved, yeah, but you would’ve moved on eventually. I would’ve been nothing more than a series of fond memories, and as it stands now, I think I’m okay with that.”

“I have to think I may have gone insane,” Jesper whispered. “In theory, I could’ve survived without you, but in actuality? I really don’t think I would’ve made it a week.”

You let yourself grin, meeting his gaze as you rested your cheek on the edge of his shoulder.

“You flatter me, Mr. Fahey.”

Jesper grinned back at you. “Do I?” he asked. “Well, that’s always my goal.”

You laughed, lightly hitting his forearm. “Idiot.”

Jesper scoffed, resting his cheek against your head, free arm coming up to drape itself around your shoulders.

He took a deep breath in, a pause settling over the room for a moment.

“Nerd,” he finally said.

You laughed, rolled your eyes, and took a sip of your tea.

Even if Jesper never knew that you loved him, you could be enormously content in your friendship as it was.

You really could, even if it was just for moments as good as that one.

EIGHTEEN

Jesper was sixteen when he realized that he was in love with you, a year into your being part of the Dregs, a little less than a year into his career of criminality.

He often found himself trying to pinpoint the moment it’d happened, why he’d fallen in love with you at all, but after two years of trying, he found that there were simply too many times where he’d fallen in love without realizing it, too many reasons as to why.

Even still, part of him wondered, trying to find the exact moment, wanting to put the exact day, the exact time, in his mind so that he could commit it to his memory.

Was it the fact that you continued to make jabs at Kaz with only a grin to accompany them? Was it the fact that your bantering came so easily? Could it have been your admirable talents as a Tidemaker, your cadence when you used your small science, the fact that you had accepted it as an extension of yourself where Jesper had never quite found the strength to do so?

Those had all been reasons when he was sixteen, and they were reasons even still. After a while, it felt like a dozen more had been added to that list, though. It’d gone from having three things to at least thirty in the span of two years.

He’d fallen in love with you in what sometimes felt like a blink of time, and he’d been irrevocably, irreparably, in love with you ever since. In spite of it all, he never told you. Some part of him had long accepted that he never would.

So, when you were in Ravka in the last few days before a heist, walking through a town square in Os Alta when violin music pricked Jespers ears, he just grinned. He could handle the life he’d lived as it were. He could handle just being your friend. Really, he could.

The music picked up, and you shot Jesper a grin as people began to dance, some forming small circles throughout the square.

“Look for Nina,” you said. “She, Matthias, and Inej are west of us right now. Wylan is east. She’ll no doubt be pulling them into the crowds the second the music hits her ears. They’ll find us, and we’ll be stuck dancing, hand in hand.”

Kaz had given you the last days before the heist off.

That day, you got the day in full so that you could enjoy some time in your hometown. It’d been a kindness on Kaz’s part, and a demand on yours, and Kaz had known you long enough to know your threats to be the truth if you were provoked.

You’d get the morning of the next day off, too, and Jesper had already found himself excited at the prospect of going to the cafe you always went to whenever you found yourself back in Ravka, claiming that they made the best biscuits and served the best coffee you’d ever tasted.

“You don’t sound like you hate that idea,” Jesper said pointedly as the violin music continued on.

“I don’t. You don’t hear much Ravkan dancing music on violins in Ketterdam. They’re operated by greed, by money and all of the different ways to get rich, even more so the ways to stay rich. If you find yourself in the right Ravkan town, people only care about money when they don’t have enough to make ends meet,” you said. Jesper watched you fill an empty water barrel in passing, watched you liven up a roaring water fountain with only the act of you extending your arm.

“Everyone in my hometown loved it,” you continued, grinning reminiscently. “Oh, before the days of Grisha training, I used to go out with my parents every Saturday. We would walk to the town square, one that, from my memory, didn’t look much different than this one, and we would shop until the violins started. Once they did, we would put our bags with a shopkeeper we trusted and dance until our feet started hurting. I used to love getting to leave the Little Palace on trips, absentmindedly bopping my head to the sound with Nina as we weaved from one shop to the next.”

Jesper found himself grinning. “My mum used to love dancing, too,” he said. “She and my dad used to dance in the kitchen all the bloody time. He had cassettes of dancing music from the Wandering Isle, and they used to dance until they couldn’t because they were laughing. Simpler times, then.”

You shot him a grin, nodding. “Simpler times indeed.”

It wasn’t long before Inej was grabbing your hands whilst Nina grabbed Jespers, pulling the two of you into a circle that was almost the size of the square itself as the music continued.

Jesper, even despite all of his attempts not to, kept finding his eyes trailing to you. He watched you dance, weaving under other people and jumping, taking the hands of those with whom you encountered, allowing yourself to be spun by those when it came time for such a move in the dance itself, and felt his heart lighten.

Eventually, you spun where Jesper walked back six steps, as the dance steps dictated, and he found himself in your company once more.

“Nice moves,” he said, smirk playing at the corners of his lips. You scoffed.

“Better moves from you,” you said. “I’m rusty. Haven’t danced like this in a bit.”

Jesper shrugged, stepping back twice and stepping to the left, stepping forward once. “Couldn’t tell,” he said. “Seriously. You’re a natural at this.”

“Reflex, then,” you said. “I’m using the money we get from the heist to come back around here for a bit.”

“Mind if you have company?”

“I was about to ask if you would enjoy a few weeks in a small Ravkan town, actually,” you laughed, and Jesper registered finally, that he would give up a thousand of all of the sunsets that he would see if it meant he got to hear the sound of your laugh even just one more time before he was never allowed to hear it again. “Would you join me, Jesper?”

“Of course I would,” Jesper said. “Only a fool would pass that up, and I am not a fool.”

A laugh bubbled up from your throat as Jesper spun you, and Jesper allowed himself one as you wrapped your arms around him suddenly, pulling him into a hug for a moment.

Just as quickly as the hug had begun, it ended. Jesper turned to find that you had once again joined the group that laughed and danced in a large circle. He shot you a smirk before joining, interlacing your fingers and registering it. His heart was full. He was content. It was a feeling that Jesper Fahey never wanted to go away.

“You’re a fool, you know that?” Inej asked a few days later. The heist had been successful, and they were on the boat back. “You’re a bloody fool, Jesper.”

Jesper shrugged, leaning against the railing of the boat as he took a sip of his whiskey. “I am not a fool, thank you.”

Inej scoffed. “You’re in love with Y/N L/N, and you’re being a fool about it.”

“I am not, and because I am not, there is nothing about which I can be a fool at the current,” Jesper denied, though he knew that the effort was slightly futile. “I am not in love with them. How dare you.”

“You’re not offended by it because it’s the bloody truth,” Inej rebutted. “Stop being a fool about it. You’re allowed to fall in love with them, Jesper. I honestly thought it would’ve been Nina if it hadn’t been you.”

“I resent you.”

“No you don’t.”

“And if I do?”

“Then stop resenting me long enough to confess your bloody feelings, Jesper,” Inej said. “We can all see it. Stop pretending.”

“And if I say no?”

Inej sighed, clearly exasperated. “Fine, then. Be an idiot. When you lose your chance, though, it’ll be entirely your fault.”

Jesper sighed. “I promise, I’ll tell them, I’m just waiting for the right time. I wanted to tell them in Ravka, but--”

“Don’t you dare call yourself a coward,” Inej said, cutting Jesper off before he had the chance. “Tell them by the time you’re twenty five, if you still love them by then, or you will be stuck paying for the repairs on my boat for all the years you wasted in your silly little mindset of constant yearning.”

Jesper allowed himself a grin. “The deal is the deal.”

“Bloody well it is,” Inej agreed. “Enjoy your whiskey.”

Jesper shrugged, eyes going to the skyline to watch the sun as it disappeared behind the horizon. “I’ll do my best, Captain Ghafa.”

Inej scoffed as she walked away, and Jesper rolled his eyes, grin settling onto his face as he rested his forearms against the railing, content to watch the ocean and the skyline until he grew sick of it.

NINETEEN

You sighed, pulling one of Jespers jumpers onto your torso as you grabbed a book from your night stand, having lit a candle to act as lighting in the moments before.

Jesper had been on a mission you’d been unable to go on because of how injured the last one had left you--a few broken rips, a dislocated wrist that you’d popped back into place and wrapped with the proper bandaging, and a scar across your face that was only healing because of an ointment given to you by a healer, one that they’d made in partnership with a medik to alleviate the pain and heal the scar after three weeks--and the fact that you couldn’t go wasn’t one that you minded at all.

The rest was good, necessary. You’d taken to reading, enjoying Jespers visits when he was around and wearing his sweaters when he wasn’t, but that night was different.

Yearning was something that you rarely experienced. It was that innate, painful desire that you felt pulling down on your heartstrings, something that you were never upset to see go but never quite so shocked when you felt it again, wrapping itself around your shoulders and seeping into your skin, finding its way to your blood before it made itself a home in your heart.

You didn’t know what, exactly, you’d been yearning for, but the book, the candle, Jespers sweater, hadn’t been enough, as it seemed. Nor had the warm bath you’d taken, the bourbon that you’d poured yourself earlier. Even the tea you’d made couldn’t distract you from it.

So, you settled down with your book. You forced yourself to focus on the pages, read until a gust of late summer wind blew past your window and took out the flame in your candle.

You refilled your kettle. You made tea, you drank it as you lit the candle again and closed the window to avoid the breeze, picked up your book and read from where you’d left off, mug of tea in your hand and a change in the time having been the only real changes.

Around four bells that morning, when you’d long blown out the candle, finished your tea, and tried to get to sleep, you gave up. You left your room, headed down to the first floor, and found the bar.

You found Jesper sitting at one of the tables in the din. You ducked underneath the bar whilst trying to make as little sound as possible. You grabbed a glass, grabbed some brandy. When Jesper looked up at the sound and you met his gaze, the yearning you’d been dealing with only intensified, and you realized that the one thing that your heart craved was the one thing that Jesper would never give you.

You wanted him to know how much he’d come to mean to you, wanted him to understand that you’d loved him since you were sixteen and there were no signs that you would ever stop loving him.

“You’re still awake?” Jesper asked.

You hummed. “Couldn’t sleep,” you said. “When I get hurt, I find it impossible. Everything always hurts for the first few weeks. Then the pain dulls out a bit and I return to my normal sleeping habits. How was the heist?”

“Without you, it just wasn’t the same, really,” Jesper said. You watched him get up, watched him move so that he was sitting at the bar counter. “Missed you a lot, if I’m honest.”

“I missed you too.” You poured yourself a glass of brandy, grabbed another and poured Jesper a whiskey. “Tonight kind of sucked, honestly.”

Jesper laughed. “Oh, don’t even get me started.”

You scoffed, took a sip of your brandy where Jesper drank half the whiskey in his glass. “Easy day tomorrow, then?”

“We’re going to brunch. It’s been decided by yours truly, and any attempts to get out of it will be met with bribery to trick you into coming,” Jesper said. “When do we leave for Ravka?”

“Two days.”

“I am so excited,” Jesper said. “A vacation. Haven’t gotten one since we started.”

“We’ve gotten vacation days.”

“A vacation day once in a bloody blue moon is not the same thing as a vacation,” Jesper said. “Three weeks. We’ll be in Ravka for three weeks. No orders from Kaz, no Crow Club patrons who get so drunk that they make fools of themselves by spilling their beer down their shirts, no rival gangs or shitty coffee, nothing but bliss.”

You laughed. “You’ve thought this through.”

“Down to the last minute detail,” Jesper agreed. “Dancing in square is definitely in our cards again, though. That was fun.”

You grinned, remembering that day the year before. “Yeah. It really was.”

“That’s my sweater, isn’t it?” Jesper asked, hands beginning to drum rapidly against the table top. “I’ve been looking for that for an age! I must’ve forgotten having lent it to you.”

“I can give it back, Fahey.”

“Don’t worry too much about it, love,” there it was, the same heart-flutter you always experienced whenever Jesper called you that. “It looks a lot better on you, anyway.”

You snorted, taking another sip of your brandy. “Well, I really should be going.”

“Goodnight, Y/N,” Jesper said. “See you tomorrow. We’re getting breakfast.”

You laughed. “Bribe me with tea, or I’m not going anywhere!” You called as you walked up the stairs. You heard Jespers laughter in response, finished the brandy and let yourself grin. You walked back to your room, fell into bed and fell asleep soon after.

Over the following weeks, you gave Jesper a tour of your favorite spots in Os Alta. The cafe that you and Nina used to go to whenever you were allowed to go on trips out, the cliffside alcove you’d found, where you loved to watch the sunrise and sunset as it was accompanied by the waves that you held so dearly. You showed him your favorite shops, your favorite places to eat.

You laughed and danced when the violin music inevitably started up from somewhere, and you felt the closest to alive as you had felt since you’d left Ravka, since you’d joined the Dregs, met Jesper, and ended up where you’d been.

The mornings, you found, were becoming one of your favorite parts of your day. You and Jesper would wake and meet one another in the kitchenette in your hotel. You would make tea and Jesper would make coffee.

“What’s on the itinerary for today?” Jesper asked, adjusting the collar of the sweater he’d worn. “I think we relax for a bit. Visit the square for breakfast, find a spot and just exist for a while. I really loved the alcove you showed me last week. Grab a few blankets, a book and some good food, and we’re set to stay there until sunset.”

“That’s perfect. We’ve got some of the food we picked up from the markets yesterday, and I brought along a book as it was. A few, actually. Figured I would need a couple to occupy my time on the boat ride back,” you said. “Any ideas in mind for breakfast?”

“The spot near the eastern side? The one with the forest green overhang with the ketterdam style waffles?”

“Again, Fahey, that’s perfect. You’re perfect.” The words befell your lips before you could think about it, but Jesper only grinned, brushing them with a sarcastic quip.

“I know I am, love. You really don’t need to tell me, though the flattery is welcome.”

“Fool.”

“Best friend of a fool, then,” Jesper rebutted. You laughed, rolled your eyes, grin remaining on your face as you took a sip of your tea.

Thereafter, the both of you got dressed and went out, talking and laughing over breakfast before you grabbed a few blankets and some food to take with you to the alcove.

You spent the day reading and talking, making jokes at one anothers expenses as you always did. You laughed, joked and listened to Jespers voice when, after a while, he began to sing.

When sunset came, he sat next to you, the both of you watching the skyline.

“I love this view,” you said. “I used to love it before the war took over. The Darkling took so much from the citizens of Ravka with the creation of the Fold. Selfishly, I’m really glad that the Shadow Fold didn’t swallow this.”

“As am I,” Jesper said. “It’s beautiful out here. Spending the day here was well worth it. This entire vacation has been, I think.”

You hummed. “I’ve missed it here so much. I left when the war started, and I’ve spent my days yearning to be back here ever since. Ketterdam is incredible, and it is home, certainly, but it is just not this one.”

“I would come here every year, if it was an option,” Jesper said.

You laughed. “With the money we get from heists every year, it may just be. I’m still using the money from the Ice Court.”

There it was again, that catalyst. The one thing that could bring you both to silence, remembering that series of events and feeling intense gratefulness as you remembered that both of you had made it out, even if you had done so critically injured.

“I really would’ve lost it had you died,” Jesper whispered. “I would’ve been worse than Kaz’s nightmares. I would’ve ripped every single Druskelle in the Ice Court to shreds.”

“You wouldn’t’ve,” you said. “You just fancy the idea.”

“I would’ve,” Jesper said. “I don’t think I could manage a life without you in it, seriously.

“Do you aim to flatter me?”

“Always,” Jesper said. “You look cute when you’re flustered.”

You snorted, eyes going to the sunset. “Thank you, Jesper.”

“For what?”

“For saving my life that day. For saving my life so many times in the days since.”

“Always,” Jesper said.

You grinned.

“Always,” you echoed.

TWENTY

“Stop calling me an idiot,” you laughed, arm in arm with Nina as the two of you walked down Fifth Harbor. “Seriously. I’m not an idiot.”

“Only an idiot would fall in love with their best friend and still, even after five years, persist in their efforts to avoid telling him anything.”

“I’m only slightly idiotic,” you gave. Nina laughed.

“At least you see it, then.”

You shrugged as Nina opened the door belonging to the Kooperom. “I like to think I’m at least slightly self aware.”

She laughed again, unlinking your arms as the two of you approached the table, where Jesper, Wylan, Inej and Matthias already sat. Kaz sat down a solid second and a half before you did, almost making you jump in fear when you noticed his presence.

“What are you two discussing?” Wylan asked.

You shrugged, thanking Jesper as he mentioned that he’d ordered you a tea. “Nothing of real importance.”

“Nothing of real importance sure does create a fair bit of laughter,” Wylan said pointedly.

“Well, Nina has always been quite humorous,” Inej offered. You shot her a grateful look, which she only returned with a knowing smile.

From there, someone picked up the conversation, and your little exchange was forgotten. You and Jesper laughed, joked and drank more tea and coffee than what could possibly be considered the healthy amount.

“And then, there is the matter of Nina and Matthias’ wedding,” Wylan said. The matter brought you back into the conversation, ripped you from your reverie as you grinned. Nina and Matthias had been engaged for two months. Their wedding was to be ten months from then, a small ceremony that they were planning to have in Ravka. “Ten months out, Ravka, open bar, are you excited?”

Wylans words got Nina into a ramble, but you listened happily. Nina had been your best friend whilst you both lived in the Little Palace. Even despite the general clique-ness of the different orders, you always found yourselves together when your instructors granted you permission to go into the cities. She was one of the last people you’d seen before Genya had bought the boat ticket, had shipped you off to Ketterdam in the hope that you would’ve found a better life whilst things looked bleak rather than hopeful.

Eventually, the conversation shifted.

“Anything from Genya in recent?” Jesper asked, knowing that the two of you still sent letters through the Ravkan embassy.

“Nothing of importance,” you said. Nothing pertaining to anything that could’ve mattered to anyone aside from Nina. Information about Grisha that you’d helped free and get back to Ravka, back to the Little Palace, where they were safe and harm wasn’t a thing that was coming to them. “Minor stuff, about which I’ll update Nina on in a while, but no. Nothing that matters, if I can be honest.”

“If it matters to you, it matters to me.”

“And you say you aren’t in love with them,” Wylan said, shooting Jesper a teasing grin. He laughed, and you laughed, neither of you acknowledging the desire to verify the claim or deny it. “That might just be the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard you say, and I’ve seen you flirt your way into several drinks.”

You shook your head, grin on your face. “You’ll have to teach me, then.”

“This from the person who’s an expert at it? I watched you flirt a shopkeeper into a free bag of toffees for Nina whilst we were in Ravka last year, and just last week, you charmed your way into a free stack of waffles.”

“Which we split!”

“Yeah, and thank you for the mostly free breakfast, but you’re not the student, Y/N. You’re the bloody teacher.”

“I learned it from the best.”

“There it is again! The charms! I will not be beguiled by you over waffles.”

You shrugged. “Much too late now, isn’t it?”

Jesper laughed, bringing his coffee cup to his lips. “May as well be, I suppose.”

Inej shot you a knowing look once more. “We’ve somehow just discovered there are three flirts in this group rather than two! Wonderful, I might say.”

“I’m not a flirt, I’m just very convincing.”

Jesper snorted. “Yeah, like the time you convinced the shopkeeper to give you chocolates on a bet?”

“Kaz paid me a thousand kruge. I would do it again in a heartbeat.”

“Those chocolates weren’t worth the thousand kruge they cost me,” Kaz rumbled. “Never again. I would offer 250 kruge, at best.”

“250 kruge is still 250 kruge,” you said, shrugging.

The food was brought out, all of you ate, and breakfast was done. You walked back to the Slat with Jesper on your right, neither of you saying much of anything as you moved.

You got back to the Slat, retiring to your rooms with Jesper discussing the next heist. You grinned as you grabbed a book off of your nightstand. Even if he wasn’t your boyfriend, he really did make you feel like you were incredibly lucky to be able to call him a friend nonetheless.

You sighed as you woke, registering the sound of the waves through the open window, the scent that Jesper carried with him, the smell of cedarwood and gun smoke.

You knew it because you knew him, and you were almost entirely sure that you would know him in death. You would know him until you physically could not know him anymore, until the sound of his voice was forgotten by your ears and the distinctiveness of his scent was forgotten by your nose.

“Is everyone--” You found yourself trying to speak, though those were the only words you could manage before Jesper butted in. You couldn’t remember much, though you knew that there had been an explosion, and that, when you were to return to Ketterdam, you would likely never be allowed to set foot in the Wandering Isle ever again. Even despite Kaz’s best efforts, the heist had still gone sideways.

“They’re fine. Everyone is fine,” Jesper whispered. “Most of us had made it out before the explosion hit. The only other injuries we have on board are Nina and her sprained finger, Inejs dislocated shoulder, and a couple of painful bruises. Matthias popped Inejs shoulder back into place, the medik helped Ninas hand well enough. We’re all fine, Y/N. Everything is okay.”

You blinked slowly, found yourself wanting to close your eyes and rest them even still. You were awake, and though you knew that you should’ve been aiming to stay that way, you still wanted sleep. You practically yearned for it.

Jesper grabbed your hand delicately.

“Stop treating me like I’m an eggshell. I won’t break if you don’t be gentle enough, Jesper.”

“You almost lost your left lung. The bruises you sustained are some of the worst bruises the medik had ever seen, and even Nina, the optimist, was unsure if you’d make it. You’re not fine, and I will hold your hand as gently as I please to do so.”

“I resent you.”

“No, you don’t,” Jesper rebutted. “You love me.”

You hummed. He was right. You loved him, but he would never know the fullest extent to which you did.

“Thank you for saving my life,” you said.

“If you’d died, I would’ve ripped everyone to shreds. Kaz included.”

You grinned, let your eyes close. “Are you okay if I rest? Just for a bit, of course.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to be one focused on conversation. Sleep as much as you need.”

“Stay, Jesper. Please.”

“Always.”

TWENTY-ONE

In the year after the heist that had resulted in an explosion, things had gone well. You recovered well, visited a healer to see to the worst of your bruises but kept the scars you got from the shrapnel that scraped past your body on it’s way to the ground, the pieces of glass that embedded themselves in your skin from the windowpanes.

Trips to Ravka became semi-annual. You and Jesper had begun going every other year, and on the final day of August, you returned to Ketterdam after a month spent in Ravka and another spent in Novyi Zem, visiting Jespers father for the month because it’d been a while since they’d seen one another.

“You look happy,” Nina noted with a grin as the two of you arrived in the Kooperom. “Well rested, overjoyed, even happy, dare I say, to be back in Ketterdam after so long without being here.”

“I’ve missed it, I will say,” Jesper said as the two of you sat down. “Ketterdam is a second home. I’ll miss it when I go, I think.”

“You intend to leave permanently?” Wylan asked.

“Not at all, for the moment,” Jesper said, but you found yourself recalling the many conversations you’d had about such an idea.

Both of you knew that Ketterdam had morphed itself into a home in the six years since you’d begun living there, but you also knew that Ketterdam may not have always felt like that. You discussed leaving, going either as an individual or leaving Ketterdam as a pair, and in the end, both of you realized that you probably wouldn’t be. Ketterdam was a home, and until you began to grow sick of it, leaving would only ever be a consideration, perhaps never more than an idea.

“Good,” Wylan hummed. “I would grow to miss watching you pine after someone you could have if you only asked.”

“I would do the same,” Nina said, elbowing your arm lightly. You and Jesper both laughed. When a waiter came around, you ordered yourself a tea, and you and Jesper got a stack of waffles to split. Conversation began, and through the breakfast, it continued easily.

You and Jesper fell back into your same rhythm, talking and finding the conversation jumbled with jabs and banter, sarcasm dotted amongst it like almost all of your conversations were. The conversations with Jesper came easily, just as they had for as long as you’d known him.

“I do think it would be good idea to go back to Novyi Zem,” you said. “I loved it there. It was a wonderful time.”

“My father certainly wouldn’t mind your company again,” Jesper agreed.

“You’ve gotten yourself the Colm Fahey stamp of approval?” Nina asked, shooting you a devious grin with a look in her eye to match it. “Ah, I hear that such thing is rather difficult to come by.”

Jesper shrugged his shoulders. “He likes the lot of you well enough, apparently, and Y/N is a wonderful person, so it wasn’t really shocking, if I’m honest. I figured he would’ve liked them.”

Nina shot you a look, and you rolled your eyes. You already knew what she was doing. She’d been trying to do it for four years.

“Well, I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

“You wouldn’t be,” Jesper said. “Seriously. Last words before we left? He told me to come again in winter. Almost tempted to take him up on that offer, thought about it a lot on the boat. Christmas in Novyi Zem is glorious, albeit not nearly as snowy as Ketterdam.”

You gave Jesper a grin. “I would love that, as long as we’re not intruding.”

Jesper shook his head. “He told me that he wouldn’t’ve minded if you came around again, too. Said that he thought you were good for me.”

“He told me the same. Said we seemed to be good for each other, if the amount of laughing we accomplished in contrast to the work on the farm was of any real indication,” you said, laughing slightly. “Oh, those days were fun. The jurda was good, too.”

“Eh, well, you can count on my father to get the first of his seed batches from good sellers,” Jesper agreed. “Made me bring some of it back, in case we were ever on night scouts for Kaz and need a kick to keep us up.”

“I’ll thank him when we go next, then.”

“November,” Jesper said. “Come back around early January. I’ll write to let him know we’ve taken him up on his offer.”

You grinned. “I can’t wait, then.”

Nina and Wylan both shot you looks that time, and you noticed the look that Inej shot Jesper, but such glances were ones that you both seemed keen on ignoring.

The breakfast finished up, and you and Jesper went in your separate ways. You went to the Crow Club to pick up a shift behind the bar, and Jesper went back to the Slat to enjoy his final day before he was back to bartending, per Kaz’s request.

Jesper found you nine hours later, mug of tea in hand as you sat on your windowsill, watching the sunset as it dawned across Ketterdam.

“Hey,” he said. You turned to look at him, gaze meeting his easily. “Figured you would be watching the sunset, though I will say, I did figure you’d be watching from Inej’s port at Fifth Harbor.”

“I wanted to have a night in, Jesper. Is that so criminal?”

“Not so criminal as our past actions, such as the many heists that we’ve helped Kaz pull off, the many heists that’ve resulted in you almost dying. It’s the two year anniversary of the explosion. I figured you would be thinking about that day, the days of the other heists in which you almost died, at some point. When we got back, I was almost anticipating it,” Jesper said. “You’re allowed to be upset with him, Y/N. Even as much as you’ve repressed that in the past few years. You’re allowed to be upset with the misgivings of those days.”

“I really don’t like that you can read me so well.”

“You love it, Y/N,” Jesper said. You scoffed.

“Fine, yes. I am thinking about it. And yes, Jesper. I thought about the Ice Court while I was working. I almost cut off three of Brekkers fingers for the miscalculations from that day. Thinking of it now, there is a part of me that wants to kill him even still,” you said. “But I will not, because he is my best friend, one of the only people in this city that I have found myself ready and willing to care about apart from you, and I understand that people can make mistakes sometimes and that the worst of those mistakes can be fatal.”

“I screamed at him on the boat,” Jesper said. “On the way back to Ketterdam from the Ice Court. I screamed at him because I thought it was reckless. I thought he was reckless, I told him that your life was worth more than all the money in the world and I berated him for not recognizing that.”

Jesper had known what would’ve happened if you’d died at the Ice Court. He knew it well enough because of how frequently the thought had come up. He would’ve become twice the ruthless man that Kaz was. He would’ve been broken, irrevocably and irreparably broken, and he would’ve killed every Druskelle that ever stepped foot in Ketterdam for any reason, regardless of what it happened to be.

“You matter more to me than anyone else, Y/N, and it’s quite so simple as that. I would tear the world apart just to find you in it’s depths. You should never expect less than that from me.”

Jesper watched you move, sitting on your bed with your mug of tea still in hand. He turned to go, stopped when he heard your voice.

“Stay,” you whispered. “I can’t be alone right now. Please, just stay.”

“Yeah,” Jesper agreed.

TWENTY-TWO

Since the anniversary of the heist in the Wandering Isle, you and Jesper seemed closer, an unspoken understanding having draped across the two of you at a point which neither of you could pin.

“You’re a lovesick idiot, is what you are,” Kaz said as he, Kaz, Inej, and Wylan approached a new, Dregs owned cafe that you’d purchased and helped run on Fifth Harbor. The waffles that were made by the cooks had been hand-picked recipes from a combination of different people in the Dregs, the coffee strong and the tea always made with two bags instead of one. “It’s about time you told them, don’t you think? Have you not found the right time after five bloody years?”

“No,” Jesper said. “That’s normal, though.”

“It’s not,” Wylan piped up. “It’s the opposite. Most people can only stand to pine for a year or two.”

“I’m different than most, I suppose.”

“In that you’re a lovesick idiot,” Kaz continued. “The Jesper I knew five years ago would’ve flirted his way into confessing the way he felt about Y/N by accident at seventeen years old and be engaged by now, in the least. You’re lovesick, idiotic, and you yearn like nobody I have ever seen.”

“What if they don’t--”

“They do,” Inej spoke. “You’re just oblivious, Jes. It comes with the whole lovesick thing.”

“It does not,” Jesper said.

“So then you admit to being lovesick?” Inej asked.

“I do not,” Jesper responded.

“He did,” Wylan said. “He just admitted it by accident. Congrats, Fahey. You’ve been in love with the same person for five years and haven’t done anything. Would you like an award?”

“I’ll take a free coffee,” Jesper rebutted.

“If you confess by the end of this week, Kaz will pay for the coffee you put in your coffee press for the next six months, and I’ll bring bourbon back from my voyages for you for the next year.”

“What if I don’t find the right time?”

“You will,” Kaz said. “Five years, and the right time is just waiting to be found, Jesper. I guarantee it.”

Jesper found himself at your side when the sun went down, the two of you drinking brandy as you talked. The conversation bounced from one thing to the next, and suddenly, you and Jesper found yourselves draped in silence.

It dawned on Jesper quickly. He’d waited five years to have the right time to confess. The right time was then. It had to have been, or Jesper felt entirely sure that he was going to explode, scream it from a rooftop so as to finally be able to say the words.

So, Jesper took a deep breath in. He took a sip of his coffee to psych himself out of nervousness, and when he met your gaze, he found that you were smiling.

“Can I tell you something?” Jesper asked.

You shrugged, taking a sip of your brandy. “Shoot, Jes.”

“I’m in love with you,” Jesper whispered. “I’ve been in love with you since we were sixteen years old, and I just never--I could never figure out how to say it. I wanted to find the right time but then I never did.”

Your gaze moved to your glass of brandy, grin beginning to pull at the right corner of your lip. Jesper watched a grin overtake your face, though you said nothing even still.

“I love you too, Jesper,” you whispered after a few minutes had passed. “I love so much that it used to hurt to think about. I have loved you almost as long as I have known you, and hearing you say that to me was a shock because I never thought you could’ve felt the same.”

Jesper grinned, laugh falling from his lips as you finished the brandy. “We’re both idiots,” he said. You nodded.

“We are, aren’t we?”

Jesper finished his brandy, set the glass on the floor to his right. “Can I kiss you?”

“Please do.”

In the next second, Jespers lips are on yours, and you notice that he tastes like gum, brandy and cigarettes.

When your lips meet Jespers, he tastes brandy, waffles, and a hint of the mint gum you chewed while you were working.

The thing that the both of you had in common in that moment was the relief that flooded your every sense, overtaken only by the joy that befell you both mere moments later.

Jesper pulled away, pressed his forehead against yours, grinning as he fought the urge to lean back in.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you,” you responded.

And, in that moment, Jesper was sure that his life was entirely too perfect, but he let himself enjoy it. He deserved a little perfection from time to time, and he let himself take it when you pressed your lips against his and his heart became so light that it could’ve floated out of his body and Jesper wouldn’t’ve cared because of how happy he’d been.

#jesper fahey #jesper fahey x reader #six of crows #shadow and bone

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suuho · 11 days ago

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Hi Kaz hope you are having a pleasant weekend. Would you tell me number 25 for the kpop asks? I am really curious which videos you like and if its not too much to ask a short reason for each one? Like wether you like the concept a specific moment or just the song in general keeps pulling you back to a video. I just really like to read your analysis on things and this is one I am curious about I hope thats okay

25. favorite kpop mvs?

okay, this is gonna take a little! and it will be long.

highlight - not the end

first of all, this song makes me cry every single time, point blank. it is so beautiful, and i love how the music video encapsulates the soundscape of the song perfectly, and visualizes it accordingly. this is one of my favorite kpop songs of all time, and i think the message of it goes hand in hand with the visual of the video, but it is just so well executed. the colors, the scenery, the sets. this sort of liminal feeling it has that signifies being stuck somewhere, waiting for someone; the resilience of loving and of not giving up, and the patience of devotion. something that seems hopeless evoking the opposite, evoking hope. the imagery of blooming flowers, of traces of scent lingering in the air, the first breeze bringing you back to me.

this was a spring release and their comeback after their enlistment and losing another member, and it is so beautifully done and evocative of everything they needed to telegraph back then: the promise that this is not over, the group is not over, and the promise they made over and over again, resurfacing. i'm still here, it's not the end.

the still really just... breaks my fucking back, man. this entire music video feels like that singular word in the titular phrase. still. like the light, like the spring breeze that warmly wraps around me. awaken your cold heart and come back to me, i'm still here.

and, of course, thank you lee gikwang for the perhaps most beautiful bridge in any kpop song ever:

to me / and to this place / you are blowing over / you’re blowing over right now to me / when the warm breeze passes through me / you are walking over to me / you’re blowing over to me again.

2. beast - 12:30

time to take off the training wheels, we are moving into undisputable masterpiece territory. first of all, this is maybe the greatest kpop song ever, and absolutely the best idol ballad, and i will not hear a word otherwise. this song is just marvelously written, 3:53 minutes of perfection, vocally, melodically, production wise. and that music video, oh my god. i actually wrote up something about it before, but i think i deleted it? anyways, i love this music video so much.

starring? well, none other than beast's very own yoon doojoon, of course! the leader of the group, no less! many idol actors have come, many idol actors have gone, but few of them are as good as doojoon. he is such a great romantic lead and you can sense those sensibilities in his performance in this mv.

if you watch the video, you will notice that the clock at the beginning (actually, all the clocks) stop just shy of 12:30, implying that the titular 12:30 - the moment when they are so far apart in their relationship, literally diametrically opposed, they cannot get back together - has not yet arrived. instead, you find a couple half frozen, the woman on the bed, and the man still moving around freely but sitting on the floor. the clock rewinds thirty minutes and we see a happy relationship, steadily moving forward. until the clock strikes 12:15 and everything goes downhill; they fight, they hurt each other, and just as doojoon pushes her onto the bed, time stops.

this is greatly intersected by shots of various members of the group singing. doojoon himself has like minus three lines in this song (i have truly endless beef with cube entertainment because of this, lol) but it makes his appearances in the video, outside of the part he is playing, soooooo impactful. notice how they all only come together after doojoon sings in the second verse. a masterclass in blocking, etc. and, once more, his bridge lines are too good to not share them here: i'm letting you go right now, i'm letting you go and everything has stopped.

we are back at where the music video started. he takes her hand, and stops moving altogether with her, and behind the two, the clock hand moves to 12:30. time has stopped, and they are unmoving.

absolute insane. so fucking good. i love everything that is implied here, too much to get into, but the fact that they are in this space between 12:27-12:30 where time doesn't seem to move, where it freezes and he is grappling with the loss, the guilt, the hurt, and the impossible. godddd, just so good.

3. shinee - good evening

good evening, as i have said many times before, is a study in grief. that, of course, does not only mean the song but also the video. a technicolor display of loss that is so haunting every frame, the feeling that there is something lingering just outside of your periphery that you cannot see, cannot touch, and still reach for, and the inexplicable link between people who are grieving and are loving each other in the midst of that cataclysmic loss.

so many intentional choices in this music video. the television screens and cameras recording them in a greenhouse, a building made completely out of glass walls, in a room with a broken piano (that kibum destroys), a bed that minho lies in, a fridge that has been taped shut. the room with the circular table and the ring of light suspended from above, in blue and dark green. the fox, of course.

the rain. the water. all of them beneath the plastic. the fifth shadow in the well. kibum turning around to look over his shoulder as if there is someone else behind them when they are in the forest, finally out of the green house, finally free. watching this music video is a transcendental experience. i remember that, when i watched it for the first time, everything was still so raw, and the tears were coming before i could even comprehend a single thing.

4. growing pains - d&e

it’s giving eternal sunshine of the spotless mind ten years before miss ariana grande ever got her hands on it, and it’s gay as all hell despite the fact that there’s a girl and a ring. donghae is too pretty to look at directly, as has always been his wont, so thank god he's in this. on top of it all, it is a ballad with choreography and coats, which is my favorite kpop genre ever (see 12:30). some tasteful black and white, and just one of the finest kpop tracks ever written. i don’t care much for suju, but donghae & eunhyuk are the one thing they got right, and thank god these two decided to shack up with each other forever (it doesn’t hurt that donghae is a very good songwriter).

they both end up at the same memory erasure office, and i'd like to think they meet each other after and get their happy ending. eat your heart out, ariana grande!

i might add more! but this is just four, and already so much. honorable mention: exo - monster (the ogs omg...), seventeen - home;run (seventeen, i think, are best when they operate like their own musical cast), tvxq - the chance of love (sexy, sleek, impeccably danced, and a little gay. what is not to love!), got7 - never ever (flight log trilogy finale!!! youngjae and jinyoung's cosmic connection!)

#ask #anon #thank you!!!

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sissytobitch10seconds · 1 year ago

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The Worth of a Man

Fandom: Grishaverse: Six of Crows Summary: Wylan has been told that he has a calculable worth for as long as he can remember. That kind of thing is hard to shake off. Warnings: Sickness, vomiting, thoughts of self harm, insecurities, and mentions of canon-typical child abuse Word Count: 4,804 Ship(s): Wylan Van Eck/Jesper Fahey/Nina Zenik/Matthias Helvar/Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa

Archive link!

A/N: It's finally Wylan's turn! I went back and forth on what I wanted to happen during this fic but I finally settled on this plot specifically because I wanted it to be well connected to the other fics in this series. Serious trigger warning for my other emetephobics: I get pretty explicit with the vomiting scene in this so maybe proceed with caution if that could trigger you. Thank you all so much for reading and I hope that you enjoy! Stay sissy and bitchy everyone <3

They didn’t do big jobs anymore.

It wasn’t that they didn’t have the resources and the capability to do whatever they wanted, serious jobs included. They had more money and resources at their disposal than they ever had before. Inej was given quite a few gifts and sponsorships from both Wylan and other members of the Merchant Council that gave her the ability to continue to sail while also handsomely paying the crew that traveled with her. Kaz had bought up more farms and more buildings around and inside of Ketterdam to make himself his own little empire. Jesper had gotten in good with some of the other Grisha and some of the people that had traveled from Novyi Zem, which meant that they also had some ways to contact people in the world’s most peaceful country if they had to get out. Matthias and Nina both had pretty strong ties with the Ravkan government because of the work that they had done for them over the years.

They had plenty of resources and people at their fingertips, not just because of Wylan’s position but because of everyone’s. They had stopped doing jobs because they had so many resources that they could use. It meant that they didn’t have to put their necks on the line outside of what they thought was necessary. They had still done a few things when they were younger and their old wounds didn’t hurt them as much as they did now, but they were few and far between.

That was why it felt like such a big deal when Kaz came into Wylan’s music studio with that scheming look on his face. It was the same one that he had when he had come to Wylan the first time, after they had met up in the back parlor of the Crow Club. He was able to recognize it on his husband immediately because it was the first time that he had ever felt fear and arousal mixed together in a way that most likely wouldn’t kill him.

“What’s going on, handsome?” Wylan asked as he set down his flute and looked up from the song that he had been writing.

Just as he had been expecting it would, the pet name got a wonderful flush to spread over his husband’s face. It had been long enough since they had gotten married that he knew why it made him so flustered as well. Wylan loved being able to get his husband the gender euphoria that he so desperately deserved and the nickname was the best way for him to do that. He also loved taking Kaz apart with masculine words and praise, both of which got him so flushed and made him so happy even if he wouldn’t admit it.

“Love?” Wylan asked again when it became apparent that he had broken his husband’s brain. He reached out so that the tips of his fingers were grazing just barely against Kaz’s bare hands, which made his eyes flick up from the floor where he had been staring.

“Right,” Kaz nodded. He stepped forward and their palms were touching, which let Wylan know that it was a good day.

“What did you need?” Wylan asked as he stood up so that they were facing each other properly. Kaz had the nicer cane that Jesper had made for him as a wedding gift, which usually meant that he was doing business of some kind.

“I need you to make me some packages,” he replied.

It was both exhilarating and disheartening to hear those words. Despite his marriage and the work that he had done with the Crows and the Dregs since he had taken over the Van Eck estate, he had tried to keep his fingers and head out of the criminal circles so that he could keep the place that he had on the Merchant Council. It had been at least a year since he had made any kind of explosives for Kaz since they had gone with a more subtle take on their work so that they could evade stadwatch more easily.

He thought that he had disliked chemistry and the only reason that he had gotten into it was to please his father, back when he had first been making bombs for the Dregs. The longer that he went without doing it, the more that he realized he desperately wanted to. Some sick part of his brain, the part that he had tried to shove down when he was still thinking that he could be a good son, liked the thought of holding that much power in his hands and watching everything all burn down.

He had missed making bombs for his husband, he missed the rush that it gave him, the power that he could hold in his hands when lighting a fuse or mixing a new solution. He was worried that something was going wrong if Kaz was asking for explosives, but he was so excited to be able to make them again.

“What kind of thing do you need?” Wylan asked. He wove their fingers together as he shifted so that he was leaning against the piano that he had been sitting at before. He didn’t need to take his weight off of a bad leg in the same way that Kaz did, but he liked the way that his husband would look at him when he put himself on display like that.

“I need something subtle. Do you remember the fire that you made to take down the Shu after the Ice Court heist?” Kaz immediately replied. His eyes had taken on that dark tint that they always did when he was beginning to plan. It made Wylan want to kiss him.

“Of course I do,” Wylan replied with a little laugh and a nod. It was something that he had been immensely proud of, especially since he was struggling with his feelings for his father and the change in his features at the time. It was also something that had saved one of his partners, which made him feel all the more powerful.

Kaz kept their fingers threaded together and their palms pressed flush as he walked the other man to the piano bench that Wylan had been occupying before their conversation. He sat them down so that their legs were brushing against each other and they were sharing body heat. It had been such a long time since they had both shied away from the thought of touching each other, Kaz because of his haphephobia and Wylan because of his apprehension around casual intimacy. He was happy that they could have that with each other, years into their marriage and after so much healing and time.

Once they were sitting down, the Barrel Boss continued, “I need something like that. The job isn’t something that you have to come along with unless you want to watch your handiwork. I need to take care of a slaver house that I found.”

“You’re going to get the people out first, right?” Wylan asked.

The other man laughed, which made his heart flutter in his gut. “Of course I am. We’re going to be doing the job while Inej is here. She and Roeder are going to work together to get all of the people out and keep the slavers in there before we light the place on fire. Jesper is also going to make a couple of keys and hide them in the cell so they have a chance to get out. We’re hoping that if any of the younger people doing this have been pressured into it then they’ll realize that this won’t fly and change their ways.”

It was like his wife was speaking directly through his husband, Wylan realized with a stifled grin. He leaned his head onto Kaz’s shoulder and stared at the notes on the sheet he had been writing on. His mind was already whirring with the formulas and compounds that he was going to have to secure and make so that he could complete the task. This was something that he had missed, the exhilaration of testing the explosion and experimenting with ways to improve it. He was also desperately looking forward to the adrenaline-shaky Kaz that he would get after the job was finished.

---

Wylan had been holed up in his office for what felt like days. He was working on the job that Kaz had requested of him so that he could have it done by the time that Inej got back. They were on a bit of a time crunch, though not nearly as bad as they had been when they were trying to take down Jan and Pekka Rollins. He just had to make sure that he had the allotted number of bombs ready by the time that the Wraith docked back in Fifth Harbor.

That was beginning to prove to be more of a challenge than he was expecting.

He was able to remember exactly what he had done the last time that he had made the long-burning fire and they had even more money and resources that they had before to get the things he needed. The only problem was that he seemed to have picked up the bug that was traversing its way through Ketterdam. He knew that some of the younger members of the Merchant Council, the ones that interacted with their children and had ones that were in school, had been feeling poorly recently. He had been so sickly as a child that he had half assumed that he had already had whatever it was and wouldn’t fall sick.

He had apparently been very wrong about that. It had started out as a sore throat, like he had been talking in his sleep or swallowing too much during breakfast that morning. He was able to pass those symptoms off as allergies from the large apple trees that were blooming outside of his workshop window. Then it had increased so that even when he wasn’t doing anything his throat still ached. He drank more water in those two days than he had in a whole week to try and soothe the feeling so he could better focus on his work.

He had been sleeping in his workshop to try and get the work done faster so he could give it to Kaz on time. It was something that he had a bad habit of doing, something that his spouses had been trying to break him out of for a very long time. It was the reason that he didn’t have a desk in his private room the same way that Kaz did, because he would inevitably spend the entire night bent over ledgers while doing calculations. When he was working on something for the Dregs they were more lenient about it since they knew that he would sleep to avoid blowing off his own fingers, but he was still quite bad about it.

He woke up on the third day with his body feeling like he had just gone ten rounds with Kaz’s cane. His very skin ached in a way that it hadn’t since he had gotten the flu at ten. His joints felt stiff and uncomfortable from sleeping tensed up and he had a headache brewing in his left temple. Despite the way that he felt, Wylan passed it off as something that he had gotten from not sleeping enough and continued with his work. He had to get it all done or he was going to disappoint his partners, and he couldn’t bear that thought.

It only got worse as the day wore on. He began to feel a little bit sick to his stomach and when he stood up too quickly his vision would swim. He could feel the headache in his temple growing so that it almost felt like a vice around the entire top of his head. The sinuses behind his eyes and above his cheekbones were so painfully packed with mucus that he actually had to compress them during his morning break so that it didn’t feel like they were going to burst anymore.

By the time that the noon sun was streaming through the windows in his workshop, he knew that he was sick. It was impossible to deny it when he felt as crappy as he did. He was tired and his skin hurt, his joints were stiff and his headache felt like a throbbing knife scraping on the insides of his skull. He had no appetite and desperately wanted to be in the arms of one of his partners.

He didn’t give himself any respite, he knew that he couldn’t. What he was doing was too important to his partners for him to take a break from it, even for a minute. He had to complete the task that Kaz had assigned to him. He couldn’t take a break, even for a day, even though he felt like waking death.

Memories were beginning to plague him as he fell deeply into the autopilot function that he found took the place of his bones when he was working. He had made enough packages that once he had gotten through the main mathematical part of the process, he was able to let his mind wander.

He remembered when he had felt like that back when he was a child. His mother was always so kind to him when he was sick. She would take him away from his tutors and tuck him down in his bed with the heavy winter quilts that would make his fever-shakes stop. She would brush her hand over his forehead and take his temperature every half hour. She would feed him spoonfuls of honey in the middle of the night and then help him chase away the texture with cookies she had snuck into his room. She wouldn’t even complain when he got vomit on her black Mercher’s dress, she would just pet his hair and soothe him through the gags.

All of that had changed after her supposed death. Wylan still got sick relatively often, the constant catching of bugs had only stopped when he turned fourteen and had allegedly caught everything that someone wouldn’t die from. He had tutors and nannies that would tend to him since his mother was no longer able to. When he was sick enough that he wasn’t actively vomiting, he was dragged from his bed by his tutors and forced to go through with whatever treatment his father had picked for his affliction that month. He was given concoctions that tasted horrible and did nothing for him. He was told that he was worthless and playing it up so that he could get out of doing his classwork.

Eventually, Wylan stopped telling people when he got sick. It was made better when he really did stop getting sick and didn’t have to pretend that he was well. From the time that he was ten to when he turned fourteen, however, he had learned all of the tricks to stop people from being able to tell that he was unwell. His hands on the back of his neck and removing his socks would soothe mild fevers and pretending to embarrass would hide the higher ones. A spoonful of honey would stop the coughs that wracked his chest well enough that he wouldn’t disrupt lessons as long as he could reapply the home-remedy every half hour. No one ever touched him unless they were beating him, so he never had to worry about them feeling the clamminess of his skin or the over-sensitivity making him cry. Vomiting noises could be masked either by doing it into his mouth and spitting it out in the trash or turning on the tap in the bathroom.

Without even realizing it, Wylan had begun to do what he had done when he was sick as a child. He had laid down on his bed during his lunch break and removed his socks. He had also taken off his undershirt so that he was only wearing the sheer button-down. He tucked both clothing items away so that they wouldn’t be found if someone came to join him in his lab. He took his afternoon tea with an ungodly amount of honey so that he could eat a spoonful of the stuff that hadn’t been able to be mixed into the murky liquid. When his stomach actually began to protest from the mucus that he had swallowed, he simply moved the trashcan closer to his workstation.

He had to keep working, he had to finish what he was doing so that he didn’t disappoint his husband and wife. Inej had done so much good work with her crew and her ship. Wylan wasn’t going to throw that away because his body was too weak.

He had known that he was the weakest link in the Dregs since he had been hired before the Ice Court job. There were other people out there that did demolitions better than him, that knew more than him and had practiced for longer. There were other people out there that had stronger connections even in Kerch. He had only been taken on the journey in the first place because he was the son of the man that had hired his husband. He knew that he was basically useless when it came to jobs and Kaz had only come to him because of the discretion that he offered as the other man’s husband.

He could hear the words of his father in the back of his mind as he struggled to complete the last four bombs that he had been asked to make. It was something that should have been easy, something that countless other people would be able to do. If Wylan wasn’t able to complete the job then there was a very high chance that the others would finally realize that he was useless, too unlike them, and then they would leave.

He wasn’t sure if he would be able to handle that. He had his mother back, but it was different with her than it had been when he was a child. She had changed during her time at the institution and a child had a different relationship with their parent than an adult did. He loved her dearly but it wouldn’t be the same as being held in the arms of his spouses. The idea of them finally realizing that he was useless, fragile, broken, and whatever other words that they would find to describe his ineptitude, only made him feel worse.

The nausea struck towards the late evening when the sun was beginning to set. He had to light the lamps so that he could see what he was doing, but found that he was barely able to look at the chemicals for more than a few minutes before his throat seized with gags.

It overwhelmed him like the current in the canal had after he had jumped to evade his captors all those years ago. He grasped the trashcan just as the heave forced its way out of his mouth. He didn’t bother to try and cloak the noise like he had back when he had guards paying attention to him at all times to make sure nothing was happening that wasn’t supposed to be.

Matthias and Kaz were supposed to be out on their monthly date. Jesper and Nina were likely sequestered off somewhere in the house, doing whatever it was that they did when they were alone. Axel was a very hyper dog, even though he was wearing down now that he was getting older, so no one would believe him if he was pawing at a closed door he wanted in. Marya would have already retired to bed, so even though Wylan wanted his mother she also wouldn’t be around. No one was going to hear him and come to bother with him, so he was able to get through the gruesome process of vomiting.

His head was almost inside of the trash can as he finished spewing the meager amount of his lunch that he had managed to chew down a few hours ago. The bile and honey mixed together into the most disgusting yellow concoction that he had ever seen in his life, worse than the sticky-bomb that he had made a few years ago when they were taking down another of the gangs.

A knock rang on the door a second later, when he was dry heaving what little was left in his stomach up into his throat. He breathed for a few minutes, ignoring the way that his eyes were watering and how badly his ribs hurt from being sick. “Yes?” he called.

“Wy? Is that you?” Inej asked, the one spouse that he had forgotten. She was going to be the most disappointed out of everyone if he couldn’t get this finished for her. She had done so much work, Wylan had been there to see a good amount of it, and he was going to be ruining it with his feeble immune system.

“Yeah, it is my lab,” he replied. He gagged again, but nothing came up. He was mostly just revolted by the smell and the leftover taste that was clinging to his teeth.

“I’m coming in,” she stated. He wanted to protest against that but he felt too poorly to do anything of the sort. The door opened as she was speaking and she stood with with her hands on her hips and a tight line in her face. “Are you sick or did you ingest something that you weren’t supposed to on accident?”

That had happened with Jesper right after Wylan had started working with them on smaller jobs. It was the reason that he had a curtain between the bed and table he used for napping and taking his meals and his workbench with all of his chemicals.

The lie was resting on the tip of his tongue, pushing its way out of his mouth like the bile had been moments prior. He wanted to tell her that he was fine, that he just needed to finish up some work, but she had already heard him. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to lie to Inej, Nina, or Kaz if any of them asked him. He had to tell them the truth, they just had something about them that dragged it out of him. Shakily, he set the trash can down in front of him and ran a hand through his sweaty curls. He took another deep breath before he said, “I’m sick.”

“Come on, love,” Inej sighed as she crossed the space so that she was standing in front of him.

He shook his head, “I have to finish my work.”

“It’ll be there when you’re better,” Inej stated. She obviously wasn’t going to take no for an answer and Wylan felt too weak to try and bat her away, so he stood when she placed her hands on his elbow and wrist to guide him from the chair in front of his workbench.

“I have to get this done for the job that you and Kaz are doing against that slaving house,” he objected. It was futile and a little bit silly, given the state that he was in. His skin felt so hot from the fever that he had barely acknowledged before. He was shaking like a leaf and his body was caked with sweat, he was obviously not in the right place to be doing chemistry.

“Love, we would much rather you be in good health than to have the plan go off without a hitch or having to change the plan,” Inej replied gently. She led him all the way out of the room and towards the staircase that would put them right into the middle of their personal living quarters.

“But-” Wylan tried.

Inej cut him off before he had even got the sentence all the way out of his mouth. “The person who’s making this plan is none other than Dirtyhands, the Bastard of the Barrel. He pulled off the Ice Court heist with nothing but the anger towards Pekka Rollins and greed towards thirty million kruge, he can figure out a way to teach those slavers a lesson without having you wear yourself down to the bone.”

He felt the exhaustion seep even heavier into him when he heard that. His eyes were sagging slightly and he was slowly becoming aware of just how awful he felt. “You’re right,” he finally conceded.

“Inej is right about a lot of things, what’s she right about this time?” Nina asked as she wrapped her arms around the other woman’s hips and tucked her head against Inej’s shoulder.

Wylan should have noticed that they were approaching before they were there, but he was so sick that he hadn’t. That mean that he startled when he realized that Jesper and Nina had joined them in the hallway. Jesper took his hand from Inej and then brushed his other against Wylan’s cheek, “You look awful, sweetheart. Do you not feel well?”

“I feel like shit,” he mumbled, finally letting himself admit what was happening. He leaned forward so that his heated forehead was pressed against Jesper’s cool overcoat.

“Yeah, we’re getting you in a cold bath. You feel like you’re burning up,” he mumbled. He kept their hands linked together as they walked down the rest of the hall towards their large master bathroom.

Wylan was so tired that he dozed through his partners taking care of him, to the point that he barely even registered anything other than the change in temperature and texture on his skin. He felt blissfully, finally peaceful when the cool water and ceramic of the tub washed over him. He was dressed in a pair of his loosest smalls and a linen shirt usually reserved for those miserable days in summer when it was too hot to live. He was then moved onto the big bed in their master bedroom despite the fact that he was likely to get them all sick if they slept with him.

---

When he woke up next, he felt a lot better than he had before. His stomach still felt a bit sour and his throat was killing him, but he was no longer as hot and sensitive as he had been before. He turned his head to look out towards the rest of the bed since he was on the edge with a bowl just in case he vomited again. Inej was nestled between Jesper’s legs with a book in her hand. Nina was sitting with her legs thrown across their laps while poking away at her new embroidery project.

“Look who’s finally awake. How do you feel?” Nina asked when she noticed that he was watching them.

“Okay,” he rasped.

“I don’t think you’re going to be well for a while, you sound like me,” Kaz said as he and Matthias appeared in the doorway. Axel boofed and then jumped up onto the bed so that he could lay down at Wylan’s feet. He had obviously been taken on a walk recently to get out some of his near endless energy.

Matthias walked over to the bed and checked Wylan’s temperature by pressing their foreheads together. “You’re going to be alright, this sickness if very similar to one I got as a child in Fjerda. Rest and soup is what you need,” he instructed softly. He then leaned down and whispered into Wylan’s ear, “Kaz has been pacing around the house and threatening to call Healers since we got home. He is very worried about you.”

Wylan looked out towards his husband and noticed that Kaz was still dressed like he had been when he went out on a date despite it ending hours ago. “Come cuddle?” he asked them both, which got an immediate response from them both. Soon he found his head pillowed by Kaz’s good leg with Matthias stroking his hair, his hand extended out over the aforementioned Fjerdan’s lap so that he could hold Jesper’s hand. Nina’s feet were on top of his shins and every so often he felt Inej reach over to briefly touch his arm.

He still felt awful, but there was a different kind of warmth blooming over his skin. He hadn’t felt that well taken care of when he was sick since his mother had been his primary caretaker. He should have known that his partners would have wanted to protect and keep him healthy because they loved him for more than just what he could offer them.

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svnflower-writes · 1 year ago

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info about my main WIPS rn:

i have too many WIPS shut up i know

original stories:

next christmas:

short story (kind of, if I say it's a short story it'll still be lots of words lmao) about two girls and a small look into their life each christmas and they're best friends who think their pining is unrequited and every time they're like "it's ok it'll happen next christmas!" and it just doesn't and they have to deal with lots of mental health stuff

main characters:

August: lesbian, she/her, i love her so much she's the loml, people pleaser, slowly realises that she doesn't have to be the second choice and she should be a priority, is a bit of an asshole to Lottie in like chapters 5-9 but Lottie deserves it tbh

Charlotte/Lottie: bisexual, she/they, kind of a bitch a lot of the time, gets into relationships for like a week and then gets into another one a month later, commitment issues, eventually has a redemption arc thing and she actually does deserve August

Ayanda/Aya: asexual, panromantic, they/she, they are my spirit animal i love her so much, August's new bestie, absolute sweetheart who values friendship over anything else, also basically the reason EVERYTHING happens in the story

everyone else is kinda irrelevant ngl

love is not enough:

name will definitely change I hate it.

plot is very complicated idk if I even understand it and I'm the one writing it 😭💀 basically gay royalty but it's confusing and the economy is dying and the main love interest is kinda a fugitive??? i guess???? lots of secrets yay

main characters:

kit chevalier-fernsby: gay (very much closeted), he/him, prince, science, slightly pretentious but that's his parents fault, he loves dates where they stay in with blankets and candles and hot chocolate and read books together. he's such a cutie patootie i wanna give him a hug <3

lucas akehurst: unlabelled, he/they, gaurd, hopeless romantic, artist, midnight walks in the rain + art galleries + coffee, mysterious. he is my baby i will protect him at all costs.

no side character information bc i can't be bothered <3

fanfics

hell is a teenage girl:

hunger games fic! finnick's younger (15 years old) sister going through her hunger games and gaining a lot of trauma. very emotion and relationship (familial, platonic, and romantic but the friends she makes are arguably more valuable to her than her relationship). basically she goes through what finnick goes through and she learns to be a manipulative little shit bc what else is she meant to do

main characters:

serena odair: loml. bisexual icon (with a preference for woman) who is a little bit manipulative but let's be real when you're in the arena you do whatever the fuck you can to stay alive. district four, she wins (duh she's the main character) and her brother means absolutely everything to her. spoiler: trauma yay

cassie farwater: serena's best friend! district 11 and a mean lesbian. 16 years old and her friends mean the world to her. her loyalty is what gets her killed.

eloise astor: serena's gf!! district one – been training for the games her whole life so it comes as a big surprise when she sacrifices herself for marina!!

kaz claremont: the district partner/close friend – he's quite and determined and he listens. he knows all the gossip. very impulsive and bold. panromantic + asexual

ash terra: the only person who gives serena a run for her money in the manipulative category. he's an absolute bitch and will stab anyone in the back without hesitation. makes it clear to everyone that this isn't a game of trust. district 3

sadie nightgrove: district 5, cassie's gf. bisexual. very charming and puts on a clueless facade before turning on people. despite being absolutely able to win the games she would never hurt the people she's allied with - and that is her downfall

mad woman

sequel to hell is a teenage girl and yes it's named after the taylor swift song. quarter quell and lots of serena and finnick sibling bonding. very protective finnick and very manipulative (not to finnick) serena, they're a power duo.

serena is like the only original character in this so she's basically the same just more traumatized and hotter.

#luc writes #luc posts #writeblr #writing

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ephemeralgalaxies · 2 years ago

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Shadow and Bone s2 spoilers

also some Six of Crows spoilers, so if you've watched s2 but still don't wanna know anything more yet about the crows than what the show has already given us, beware cause this will involve (probable) future spoilers

(once again, Wylan edition (and a lil jesper. but mostly wylan). but this time it's about the soundtrack that plays during a certain scene in episode 4 iykyk) (most of my meta posts will probably be about him. he's a cool character. and he's me but that's beside the point) (me as in ND with tics, sass, and way to much random fact info than is for his own good but sometimes actually proves very useful but not in the way you'd expect. usually in a quite disturbing and confuzzling way)

last warning for spoilers under the cut bc I am absolutely picking apart as many frames as I can

OK OK YES THIS IS ABOUT THE KISS SCENE BUT SPECIFICALLY THE MUSIC THAT PLAYS BEFORE/DURING. Bear with me here, this is gonna be quite the trainwreck as I am running on adrenaline from sleep deprivation and also like two oreos.

To start off, the song for this scene is The Night We Met composed by Joseph Trapanese (spotify link).

Alright, first, the way this song just blends so nicely from the scene with Pekka Rollins in the cemetery to this one just *chef's kiss* (ofc we get quite the gap in soundtrack between the end of that scene and once this song starts playing, but they still arch together pretty well) In fact, I almost thought they were the same, or at least same motif (it tries to be a major key song with lots of accidentals/minor-falls/glissandos to make it more angsty dramatic). Which, shouldn't mean that much from a distance... but oh boi does it make my mind stir.

That song (labeled by Netflix CC as "dramatic music" lmao) surfaces when Pekka Rollins and his crew are scouring the Black Veil Cemetery in search of his son, Alby Rollins. Ofc, he finds him safe and well just as the police(?) take Rollins under arrest for the murders he's just admitted to (holy shit, Kaz works fast). Like, with the beginning of The Night We Met, these are the same songs in different fonts. Which,,, may not be on purpose but is absolutely brilliant anyways bc of how much Alby and his father mirror Wylan and his father (if that mirror had shattered into a web design and had been left to collect dust and mold for decades).

(summary context just in case we do have some ppl reading this that don't know about Wylan's family and want to: his father is Jan Van Eck, a very wealthy merchant from Ketterdam. Like, Pekka Rollins "rules" the Barrel, but Van Eck (and capitalist co) run the country. But he's a shit person and an even more shit father, disowning Wylan on the basis of him not being able to read and therefore "useless as an heir" so,,, Wylan ran away ofc)

So right before this very emotional scene for Wylan, we get Pekka Rollins, absolute dumpster fire trash of a man, be a good father. aND EVEN HAVING THE MUSIC DO A HARSH FADE FROM WHEN ROLLINS NON LONGER CAN SEE HIS SON TO WYLAN ASKING JESPER WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE FREE?

im screaming so much it was perfect

So with that in context, we lead into the scene in Wylan's workshop. It's quiet now, hopeful even. You're already forgetting about abandoned sons and desperate fathers. The world is "full of possibilities." There's no music anymore, just the fizzling and clanging (Wylan, wtf do u have clanging in your workshop???). And the silence stays as Jesper talks about what he'd like to do now that he can roam the Barrel free again. How he'd like to do that... with Wylan.

But Wylan's acting weird. He should be in his element here; laid out, an open book. But he's hiding. No literally, he ducks under the table. And even after he's explained that he's feeling strange bc he was so sure Jesper wouldn't want anything more with him, there's silence. It's only when Jesper starts to back away, when he seems hurt by the idea that Wylan doesn't think Jesper would like him, that the music picks up. And I love this so much because throughout this entire scene, Wylan is interacting with the music. As if he can hear it. Jesper floats along it, fitting everything so perfect within pauses, but Wylan actually feels it. Like each little violin arco pull or harp chord is another thought in his head.

So here: the music starts. Just gentle harp for now (I think that's a harp. Or something of the variety. I'm gonna be so embarrased if it's just like an acoustic guitar or smth). And Jesper backs up, hurt, and Wylan realizes oh shit wait this actually means something to him, I've just hurt him, I have to fix this. I need to clarify. Let him know it's not like I wanted to leave, but "better to cut my losses." (and my god I love Jack Wolfe's little "I... huuuuuh" that he gives like I love it so much it's so awkward and accurate like Wylan has so much he wants to say but can't figure out how to actually get it out right).

And we keep with this pattern, just gentle (almost melancholic) harp chords of one two three four pause... one two three four pause... BUT IT'S A SORT OF ARPEGIO. BC once Jesper says "my reputation isn't entirely unfounded," the camera pans back to Wylan for the next set of notes that reach a little higher, a little different, little more noticeable. And with this frame, we get a nod and a small smile (not reaching his eyes, ofc, Wylan seems to smile as a signal a lot more than in genuine) -- this feels like confirmation to him. He's correct, his assumptions from that night are valid. Someone like Jesper wouldn't want anything more (from someone like him).

Then we stay on Jesper again, how he likes "the gamble of Barrel life" (sobbing for Wylan thinking that Jesper won't like him anymore when he finds out that Wylan isn't "Barrel life" (not really, he thinks. Not like the rest of them). We even get the more overt and dramatic lil "yeah there you go, ofc, I get that" hand motion with another nod and smile before he avoids Jesper's gaze (and the camera) again by walking off to the end of the table. He's put more distance despite being more accessible now; they're not looking across from each other anymore. Jesper has to move to keep engaging.

And he doesn't at first. He lets his eyes follow Wylan, but then drops them again shortly as he thinks on it all. He's losing Wylan here, he knows it. He needs to change this pattern up before Wylan disappears into that quite chord progression entirely. "I may very well have left you first..." Wylan looks up again, smiles and nods, still tinkering away. He's trying to engage the conversation but only as little as possible. He wants this over with, he's got his confirmation. It's all up to Jesper now.

AND OH BOI DOES JESPER TAKE THAT CHANCE.

He starts walking towards him. "But that..."

Wylan stills, looks back at him, shakes his head and looks back down. Like for a moment it was maybe maybe maybe then pushing that hope back down bc that can't be what this is.

"...was before I got to know you." THE "what wtf hold on" ON WYLAN'S FACE IM SCREAMING. THE HARP IS STILL ALONE, HE'S STILL NOT TRUSTING IT. HE'S LISTENING BUT WON'T DARE ENGAGE YET. HE NEEDS MORE.

"I can't make you any promises." VIOLIN!!!!

"Or predict what might happen between us" VIOLINNNN!!!

"But I can tell you that..." quieter violin as Jesper hesitates

Wylan realizing oh shit oh shit oh shit right along with that muddled lower violin arco note mixed with the harp chord. It's not clean like the others. The harp is catching up to the violin.

"I'd like to find out." Another weird chord (forgive me im tired and can't tell if it's an accidental or just a deviation entirely into another key but it sounds like a different key for a sec) with the harp and a beat of silence. Then the violin follows it...

AND WYLAN SMIRKS. LIKE I SWEAR TO GOD THIS WHOLE POST STARTED BC WHEN I FIRST WATCHED THIS SCENE ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS HOW IT LOOKED LIKE WYLAN REACTS TO THAT VIOLIN NOTE AFTER JESPER SAYS HE WANTS TO TRY SOMETHING MORE WITH HIM. He hides his face from Jesper, and it hits him with the arco note. The guy he likes actually likes him back. This incredible, cool, gunslinger that has his back and doesn't care or judge him for his quirks also actually likes him. more than friendship, more than sex, there's another shared thing here. Wylan can be more. But the harp here slows down, a ritardando only it actually feels the effects of bc the violin has already done its job. Jesper is worried now, he's said what he said and all he can do is hand control over to Wylan.

and then ofc my favorite "hey bro pls respond" like after that arco note that seems to be just for Wylan, like it's his own lil secret realization music, Jesper sits in silence (literally, there's only ambient background, no more actual notes) and when Wylan realizes he hasn't actually responded, that Jesper also needs confirmation, dear god he's gonna give it to him.

But the music doesn't start up again once Wylan begins to walk (run. Like he's sprinting into this kiss) to Jesper, it starts again when Jesper realizes what Wylan's doing. That he's responding. And he's responding very positively.

Now the violin is confident, steady, forceful. There's no more of that careful sliding on the bow, this is borderline staccato. And it's joining the harp. THEY'RE PLAYING TOGETHER NOW!!! THEY'VE CAUGHT UP!!!!!!! Like they've literally caught up, the two characters and instruments melting together in a new melody of the same key but with energy and passion and giddy joy. IT'S LIKE FIREWORKS, LIKE A GUNSHOT.

Then the roaring ocean, violin switching from a long-short combo to straight 16th notes fast and ready and dear god I love it. There's still that whisper of the more hesitant violin in the background, but the faster one is taking control of the piece now. It knows what it wants, has a clear direction. And saints, if that doesn't perfectly mirror Wylan in this scene. This music piece is a beautiful conversation not just between the two characters (and respective separate instruments) but also with that haunting past Wylan carries with his confidence. He knows his worth, knows he's useful. He just can't think that others would recognize this as well. A violin is not a gentle instrument (I'm sorry, but there's a reason I chose the cello). It's higher pitches are harsher, sharper. It can be beautiful, yes, but it can never have that subtlety of a cello or viola (at least lower strings of a viola). The violin is the 1st chair, the main melody carrier, the gem of the orchestra. Sure you need the others, but everyone knows the violin. Wylan knows his worth to a sharp, unsubtle point. But he hangs back like a 2nd violin position -- letting someone else take the reigns until he finally has the space (the safety) of exploding (hehe) into sound. He trusts Jesper now. Wylan's gonna play with the force of his bombs now.

At least until Jesper learns about his history. Which, I think might be another reason why we still have that 2nd violin position sound even at the end. He's encouraged, but he knows there's something he's still gotta hide. And it won't be pretty when it all spills out.

TLDR: the music nerd obsesses over the fictional music nerd way more than anyone asked for (which is at all. no one asked for this. why do I keep doing music-based metas. because I love them and can't sleep until I do them that's why). Wylan is a violin apparently but he can't decide whether he's playing along with the cellos/violas or if he's taking the reigns and filling that conductor's right-hand man spot (is it the right side? hold on. wait shit no it's the conductor's left side. whatever. that 1st chair violin thing that's really special but idc bc Im a cellist and my director switches our section arrangements all the time to play with sound). Also apparently Jesper is a harp which does kinda make sense considering it's a pizzicato sound and Jesper is very ticky ticky like most of the soundtrack songs he's in the scenes of have some kind of ticking. so,,,,,,,

#shadow and bone netflix #shadow and bone s2 spoilers #sab s2 spoilers #s&b s2 spoilers #wylan hendriks #wylan van eck #wylan van sunshine #jesper fahey #wesper #wylan x jesper #jesper x wylan #six of crows #soc #music meta #soundtrack #ost #I will never stop obsessing over soundtracks in media and how they and the film crew understand so much more about the show than producers #sometimes #most of the time #look they don't have much to work with. their whole job is to take abstract and make ppl feel smth specific with it #I am sad about the lack of crow songs actually listed on the spotify album for s1 and s2 #like i know there are some really cool dRaMatiC MuSic moments with the crows #but give those moments credit aaaaaaah #I would listen to that music when pekka searches for alby so many times. it's so good and such a perfect example of character foils #like with what pekka means to kaz and what alby means to wylan and those foils on their ends and THEN the foils of kaz and wylan just #my god im gonna write another post #not now though. it's 3am #mutuals i am so sorry

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pugs-cats-bb-8 · 7 months ago

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P3 Reload Part. 1

The new opening song gets better as it goes on. It doesn't match the vibe of the game.

The opening reminds me of Dancing.

I guess peaceful is the new safe?

You can't change off Merciless? I think Q2 does that. I know Strikers does.

They tell you right up front. You will die. Imagine living with that weight for an entire year.

Cut scenes don't look like shit. 🤣🤣

Who makes someone take a train at midnight? Doesn't Japan have curfews?

Did you always have control from the beginning?

They went overboard with the 5 graphics.

Makoto isn't fazed by the coffins or blood. 🤣🤣

Wasn't the walk to the dorm longer?

Creep who escaped from prison.

If I didn't know they replaced the whole English cast. Mitsuru sounds like she hasn't changed.

Yukari can't lie🤣🤣

Looks like 4's calendar.

I like how Yukari's hair is more like Ultimax.

Yuko and Kaz🤣🤣

The teacher sounds older.

I think they redesigned the principal. He looks like his bangs are going to become wings. 🤣🤣 🥔

Ren😍😍

Their faces are very smooth. Like too smooth.

I swear to god I thought those sinks were unrinals. 🤣🤣 Who puts sinks in the hallway? They are asking for someone to piss in it.

Big ass school.

Why does everyone have their first and last name pop up every time they talk? Is this left over from the original? Or did they think people would forget someone's first or last name unless they saw it every time somebody talked? Like I'm bad with names but I'm not that bad. And if I am then I most certainly hate you.

That old man looks like King Bumi.

The old lady looks like an alien 🤣🤣

I think he has dementia.

The shoes lockers look like filing cabinet drawers.

The carpets? look like putting greens.

I like the clock time of day screen.

I still don't trust Ikutsuki. But now he reminds me of Maruki. And Maruki is trustable in the beginning.

I'm not the authority on Japanese culture but Akihiko Sanada-kun is a bit of a mouthful in English.

Still breaking so many laws.

I don't like the new dark hour animation.

I don't like the new Velvet Room animation.

Igor and Elizabeth look like they came from MMD.

Igor looks creepy and he's giving me evil Igor vibes. Did they change Igor's VA again?

'Da bomb' 🤣🤣 I haven't heard that in Years.

Goh.

Karaoke box?

Poor Junpei. 🤣🤣

I love how everybody is immediately suspicious. They telling you to go to sleep. Like I know the plot. But if you don't it's very suspicious.

"A loud noise woke me up". I sleep through anything. I would not be getting up. "I should check what's happening". Where I come from you don't check what's happening. That how you get hurt or killed.

I like the chase music.

I like the original one 'here's a shadow' scene better.

How many knives does it need?

Nice scream.

Coffin boy.

I like how the Shadow turns his mask to look at you. 🤣🤣 Is that how he sees?

I don't think I ever used Thantos in Royal.

I still don't like Mass Distruction.

I love how it sounds like Orpheus was the only Persona who wasn't lazy. Like you could get anyone.

I wonder how many times Igor has to explain this to people.

You sleep for 8 days. Woo! Coma!

I like the new dorm theme.

I think them being in a club makes them more suspicious.

Aren't you supposed recruit new members?

Akihiko looks like a fashionable grandpa. 🤣🤣

The back of the chair looks like a lyre.

I like the fool's little winer dog.

Poor Akihiko's fan girls. He just brushed them off. 🤣🤣

Did Junpei always have his sentaces trail off?

I was not sold on Akihiko's new voice at first. But I like him.

There's so much equipment! So, either the equipment is dirt cheap or it rains money.

The fusion menu looks like doormats.

The cards attack you? I like animation for failing the fusion. 🤣🤣 They smack you in the head.

Kenji's like Mishima. He justs worms his way in and I don't like him. I think I know who voices him but I can't think of his name.

"It might look weird". How about it's totally illegal and hella creepy.

Disco teacher with a tooth sticking out.

Always nice when the class doesn't turn against you for getting a question wrong.

Everybody seems to be enamored with you to a creepy degree. I'm used to 5, where they largely ignore you. (Which, for me, is the way to go).

"That takes care of everything that was damaged. Except, of course, Akihiko's rib cage". 🤣🤣 Poor Akihiko.

Ren🥰🥰

That dude is going to break his knee.

There's nothing to do at night.

So, baton pass.

That looks like Heracross.

I misread Bufu as beef.

Jack Frost goes up to the shadow and starts a fight. 🤣🤣

They sometimes come with an item? Is this Pokemon?

I like the yeah, yeah song. Although, it sounds like it should be in Kotone's path.

Tartarus is big, empty and boring. Making it bigger just empathizes how empty it is.

I like driving down every single floor in Mementos. Also, how the fuck many floors do you have to do at a time before Mitsuru tells you that you're done for now?

She types like a 12 year old. 💀 Like when I was 12 I didn't type like that. Rule of thumb for bad typing. Would you English teacher kill over? If so, you might want to fix it. Like I'm not saying you have to type in full on proper grammar. But if you type like a 12 year old swearing in Minecraft then. It just makes you look immature and might cause people not to talk to you.

Those fuckers are frozen. I thought they were air people like in 5.

We just bought a URL from a shady man in a club we're not ever supposed to be and we're going to go look it up? Does nobody have common sense?

Your wage can increase?

Pretty teacher 😍 She reminds me of K-pop idols I've seen.

Lots of stuff takes up a time slot that shouldn't take up one.

No octopus and low chance of status ailment? Then how is it takoyaki? Also why would I want that? It sounds like mystery food. 🤢

The kid extorts you.

You just poisoned the child. Now she wants a red bull? What kind of child is this?

Also a "nice cold one" that's usually how beer is described.

#persona 3 reload #long post #tag game #1/12

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doyouknowwhoyouare13 · 2 years ago

Text

Nyx reads Six of Crows (pt.1)

I didn't want to annoy anyone with too much spamming so this is just my general thoughts while reading! (PLEASE DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO READ THIS HALF OF IT IS GOING TO BE ME BEING DUMB AS HELL SO)

(updating every day, so you guys can keep up with my thoughts in real-time without TOO much spam :))

LIKE I SAID THERE'S NO PRESSURE TO READ IT AND HONESTLY IF IT GETS ANNOYING JUST BLOCK THE TAG #★nyx reads soc! AND YOU WON'T SEE IT ANYMORE I GET IT'LL PROBABLY BE TOO MUCH CONSIDERING THERE ARE 40 SOME CHAPTERS NO HARD FEELINGS 😭

part 2

SPOILERS BELOW!!!!

Started reading: 1/18/23

Finished reading: 2/4/23

Alright, since I didn't start this at the beginning of the book, I'm gonna summarize my thoughts from Chapters 1-4 in a few sentences:

AWWW JOOST AND ANYA SO CUTE, omgggg I'm in love with Inej AND Kaz, is this new? Nope. Uh oh, the girlfriend is gonna get killed. DAMN KAZ THE THREATS 💀 Jesper is so me. NOOOO JOOST. AND ANYA??? Who the hell is that. WHO TF IS JORDIE???? SLAY INEJ!!! Aww, new ship you guys!!!

Ok, that's all hope people understand it and if you don't, too bad. JOKING LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

Starting at chapter 5 guys

Kaz is actually so smart

Oh Jordie is older-

I mean I assumed he was his brother but I thought he was younger

MEETING NINA!!!! (Ives said I'd like her)

omg. I'm in love with her. She has said one thing.

HIM BUYING STOCKS FROM THAT OLD MAN BECAUSE OF NINA💀

I can't believe they're only 17

I'm trying to be like Kaz

interested in Matthias like a lot

chapter 6 now

I wonder what Matthias did

omg another new ship

I'm still confused about the costumes

this prison feels like hell

so many gangs

WTF IS THAT THING

ROARS LIKE A LION

LOOKS LIKE A SNAKE THING

WHAT

AHH WTF I'M GONNA CRY

NOT PEKKA AGAIN

who would actually think of something like this 😦

It's sick

not sick in a cool way

sick in a WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL way

YOU'RE RIGHT NINA IT IS DISGUSTING

HOW ARE PEOPLE WATCHING THIS IN GOOD CONSCIENCE

ok maybe for the sick fucks

THEY CHOOSE TO DO IT

FUCK THE BENEFITS NO WAY I'M DOING THAT

omg they bet on it.

crying, screaming

"I'm mad at you, too" "I don't know yet. I just am." -me coded

oh Nina...this won't end well

ENEMIES TO LOVERS!!!

my two sides fighting ^^

NOT HIS HAIR

oh she down bad

Don't tell me killing wolves is against his morals- or his country's morals-

Omg. IT'S AGAINST HIS FUCKING MORALS- SOBBING SCREAMING PULLING MY HAIR OUT WTF

WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH

HE'S WISHING THEM FAREWELL 😭

IT'S TRYING TO KILL HIM AND HE'S PRAYING FOR THEM

AHHHHHH-

HE'S CRYING.

HE. IS. CRYING.

😭😭😭😭

I'm hurt, you guys. Very hurt. Might cry. Probably will.

Do you guys see how sensitive I am yet?

WHAT DID YOU DO NINA???

HIS MOTHER 😭 KAZ I CANNOT RN

Kaz is a slay per usual

I love the word barbaric

such a funny word

Kaz is literally a genius

No I won't stop saying that because he is

I just rolled my eyes so much I could see my fucking brain

Am I the only one who hates when guys act tough?

"I can take it" STFU AND LET HER DO HER WORK 😡

WHY TF IS HE CALLED GOOD BOY I WANNA BE CALLED GOOD GIRL BY KAZ WTF 😡

y'all I don't know who said that cause it wasn't me.

anyways

...oh such a lovely reunion!!! how romantic!!!!!

Chapter 7 ALONG WITH Part 2!!!!

first pov from Matthias!

we left off where he was choking her and now he's dreaming of her???

trying to be like them fr JOKING JOKING

Matthias would like Taylor Swift

I mean he used one of her song titles in one of his first sentences!!!

He's so me

just realized that said hunted instead of haunted

crying actually

I thought we had something Matthias.

now with me those instances would be switched, kissing Nina sounds very pleasant actually

oh Matthias is down bad too

SLAYYYY

MATTHIAS YOU HORNY BASTARD

Sorry that's rude BUT TRUE APPARENTLY???

OMG MATTHIAS GET OVER YOURSELF AND JUST KISS HER HOLY SHIT

Me thinks this is a enemies to lovers to enemies to lovers again arc

JESPER'S HERE TOO? WOOHOO, THAT'S MY FAV FR!!!

I say that about everyone idek which one is actually my fav

"Boys like you weren't meant to get ideas, Helver," YOU TELL HIM KAZ!!!

"that Jesper character" HE IS CERTAINLY A CHARACTER INDEED BUT I LOVE HIM FOR IT

My girl killed something that no one had survived before her

Love her sm ❤

Kaz is a lot of things but at least he's honest about it 💀

LEARN HER NAME MATTHIAS 😭

I LOVE JESPER SM

my lord I think he wants to kill Nina, just a thought though

bro Nina fucked him up

GRISHA CORRUPTION??? HOLY SHIT THEY DO HATE THE GRISHA NINA WASN'T EVEN EXAGGERATING

Matthias drop the witch thing, it's getting annoying

A STORK- HE JUST CALLED JESPER A STORK 💀

THE DEMON. MY GOD HE LOVES NAME CALLING

SO SET ON THE KILLING THING MY GOD

oh he's so salty I love it

me thinks she will think about you, often (it's disgusting and I can't stop)

my lord Matthias, never getting on your bad side

does he genuinely think Kaz is a demon? like a demon demon?

New character y'all

OMG ANOTHER REMINDER THEY'RE ALL HELLA YOUNG

THEY SEEM SO MUCH OLDER

VAN ECK???

Chapter 8 IN JESPER'S POV!!!

I love Jesper he's so me

WTF HIS CHAPTER IS SO SHORT (I say as I've been complaining to myself about how long the chapters are)

Jealous? I know what you are Jesper.

It's ok me too

JOKING JOKING

or am I?

Y'ALL LEAVE THIS POOR KID ALONE

THEY'RE ALL GOING IN ON HIM

don't have a repeat of Joost. Istfg I will sob. don't try me.

hey, hey. flute is cool too. (ok not as cool as piano but don't tell him I said that)

JESPER 😭

Wylan give me all your belongings rn.

Ofc Kaz is unfazed, it's Kaz tf do you expect?

JESPER I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH

Nina provoking him won't do any good 😭

God the dynamic between Jesper and Wylan

I want what they have

"You're all horrible" YOU WOKE UP AND IMMEDIATELY STARTED TRYING TO STRANGLE SOMEONE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT. 💀

KAZ IS SO. SMART.

OMGGGG WYLAN 😭

"No" "it looks like a target" NOW THAT'S A SLAY

Chapter 9 ANOTHER SHORT ONE!!!

HA KAZ PAIRED JESPER WITH HIM

I feel a new ship brewing

Kaz ships Jesper and Wylan confirmed

KAZ IS SO FUNNY

Can you guys tell I like Kaz yet?

MATTHIAS IS ADORABLE

He'd probably try to kill me if I said that to him

But I only speak the truth!!!

I take that back

how stupid do you have to be to attack Kaz?

Kaz being the best per usual

Chapter 10, INEJ!!!

MY GIRL HAS RETURNED!!!

Can't believe I've already read like 5 chapters today

But some of these have been short, this chapter is too

And it has still taken me like 4 hours I think, I'm a really slow reader 😭

anyways

Inej and Kaz's dynamic never fails to make me laugh 💀

oh...guys now why would you say that

oh no the silent treatment 💀

KAZ WHY WOULD YOU SAY THATTTT

Inej's parents were the blueprint

THE FLOWERSSSSS

omg that place sounds horrible.

AHHH NO INEJ

oml my heart is racing

LYNX IS NOT HER NAME 😡

omg she names her knives I love her

I want to know more about her Saints

her knives mean as much to her as Jesper's guns mean to him

WTF DO YOU MEAN IT EXPLODED

NO. NO WAY.

Chapter 11, JESPER AGAIN ❤❤❤

y'all gonna explain the explosion???

WHO ARE YOU SHOOTING AT JESPER

OMG.

"Not a kid" me too Wylan but I also call everyone kid so 🤷

omg Kaz you're a lifesaver, literally

ok it's official, yeah there's def 3 ships here

I know what you guys are.

Matt DIDN'T use his first opportunity to kill Nina? DEVELOPMENT!!!

I am calling him Matt from now on

IT'S TOO FUNNY

AHHH JESPER-

IS HE INSANE?

BETTER THAN WINNING AT GAMBLING?

I'LL TAKE THE CARDS PLEASE WHAT-

"you can't kiss me from down there" SO YOU WANT HIM TO KISS YOU?????? CAUGHT YOU BITCH/j

OH YEAH WYLAN!!! PROVE THOSE BITCHES WRONG!!! YOU ARE USEFUL!!! SLAYYYY

Lawd this chapter brought my heart rate up

Chapter 12, MY BELOVED AGAIN!!!

WHY ARE THESE CHAPTERS SO SHORT

the ones in the beginning were so long

wtf happened

Who cares PARTAY

I hate long chapters

aw not the fucking black tips again

MULTIPLE GANGS?

WITH HIS BARE HANDS 😦

AHHH SO MUCH STRESS- INEJ ISTFG

OMG INEJ SLAY I LOVE THAT FOR YOU I CANNOT

INEJJJ

Omg you worried me.

Kaz to the rescue again

omg.

crying.

she's not gonna die but lord-

ISTFG.

AHHHHHHHHH

this book has a habit of ending the chapters on very worrying notes.

anyways.

Chapter 13, Kaz

scared fr ngl

another short chapter as well

omg he loves her so much

but I love her more so he can fuck off.

JOKING LOVE YA KAZ

trying to steal my girl though 🙄

HIS WRAITH

SOBBING, SCREAMING, PASSING OUT, RIPPING MY HAIR OUT.

STOMPED 💀 HE'S SUCH A CHILD I LOVE HIM

Awww they're so cute together... (Wylan and Jesper)

oh...now Kaz....his eye socket?

OH HIS EYE.

KAZ.

OH HE JUST- THREW IT OVERBOARD- NO CARE IN THE WORLD-

OH AND THE HANDKERCHIEF.

OK I LIKE IT PICASSO.

KAZ. ISTG. I CANNOT.

FUCKING ROLLINS? I SWEAR THIS MF JUST NEEDS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OMG-

well bye ig

Don't mess with Inej guys you get your eye taken out and get thrown overboard

deserved

KAZ IS SCARY THOUGH HOLY SHIT

AND THE MY WRAITH THING AGAIN

I CAN'T.

JESPERRRR

I need to know what tf happened with Jordie.

Chapter 14!!! Nina is backkkk

This one is VERY long and by long I mean 15 pages so honestly I'm being dramatic.

Honestly the gang tattoo sounds like it'd look really good

YES NINA SEES IT TOO

Inej and Nina together>>>>

Best friends I say

I wonder if people ship them

I mean I guess I can see it idk yet though

Jesper and Inej 🤝 finding comfort in deathly weapons

Oh Jesper please don't start crying cause I will too

they're all so smart

how tf she know all those languages

y'all I don't think I like Zoya all that much

ONCE AGAIN SHE'S SO SMART

MATTTTT

omg she said he looks like a painting

crying, screaming

oh Nina..

um...everyone makes mistakes! you'll be ok!

ew. um. I would rather die, actually.

Me thinks Jarl Brum is a little bitch

I wish I understood all the words they're saying

NO. FUCKING. WAY. I'M GONNA LOSE MY MIND IF THEY DO WHAT I THINK THEY'RE IMPLYING.

oh some boy to the rescue

oh nvm.

NINA YESSSS SLAY

WHAT DID SHE JUST SAYYYY UGHHHHH

omg she's going to kill him!!!

I support women's rights but I also support their wrongs

joking I know she won't kill him

ooh she called out the name calling too

glad I'm not the only one

OMG NINA YOU DID WHAT

YOU'RE RIGHT HE DOES HAVE A RIGHT TO DISLIKE YOU 😦

I don't though, still love you SUPPORT WOMEN'S WRONGS!!! (/j)

OMG THIS HURTS.

I'M GONNA CRY-

Last chapter of this part, Chapter 15, Matty boy's perspective

Back to the short chapters

oh...violent per usual

WYLAN BITING THE DISK 💀

oooh Brum died? YIPEE!!!

omg Kaz 😭

HE'S SO IN LOVE

Kaz scary sometimes

AWWW HE'S WARMING UP TO WYLAN

"my ghost won't associate with your ghost)" MATTYYY 💀

CHAPTER 16, along with part 3, AND AN INEJ POV!!!

oh she's crying-

BEST FRIENDS!!!!!

3 DAYS?????

HELPPP THIS FRIENDSHIP IS EVERYTHING

I feel like Kaz has a death wish

OMG I NEED THEM TOGETHER. SHE CARES SO MUCH FOR HIM.

I LOVE INEJ AND NINAAAAA

not her bullying her singing 💀

THEY LITERALLY KIDNAPPED HER

THESE POOR CHILDREN

Chapter 17, AND JESPERRRRRRRR

I'd probably jump too, seems boring

HELP BOTHER WYLAN

they love each other

ok Wylan, come on now

JESPER IS JUST LIKE ME BRO

oh the lovers are quarreling

HELP "You're not dead!" JESPER 💀

Y'all...it's a good thing I'm a multi-shipper.../hj

"YOU'RE NOT INVITED" 💀

am I though?? I love waffles

Jesper is a people watcher

LIKE I SAID JUST LIKE ME FR

"Would it kill him to smile every once in a while" "very possibly" YALL 😭

Inej and Jesper friendship supremacy

omg Jesper loves Kaz

me too

AND HE ASKS ABOUT WYLAN

THEY'RE IN LOVE

WHAT

WITH HIS TUTOR???

SLAY WYLAN

SHE READ THE LETTERS I CAN'T

HE DOESN'T LIKE THE OCEAN EITHER????

JESPER WE'RE JUST SO CONNECTED

I told you Jesper has a crush on Kaz. "feeling his cheeks heat" I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE

idek if I'm joking at this point not

THEY'RE THE BEST CHARACTERS OUT OF THE WHOLE BOOK

I LOVE THEM YOU GUYS I LOVE THEM

alright day 2 (or 3, can't remember) of you guys putting up with my total BULLSHIT

Chapter 18, KAZZZZ

my husband fr

and Inej's

TRYING TO FIND AN EXCUSE TO TALK TO HER 😭

Kaz always has something over someone 💀

"tell me you know that. He needed her to say it." "He needed to know she believed him." HE WANTS HER TO TRUST HIMMMM

NO.

JORDIE.

OH THAT BITCH

BRO ISTFG

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

CRYING SCREAMING PASSING OUT OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I WANNA-

BE RID OF THIS DISTRACTION? KAZ BREKKER. ISTFG IF YOU LOSE HER BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID TRAIN OF THOUGHT I'LL CRY.

KAZ BREKKER. 😡😡😡

BRO "He didn't want Inej." YOU JUST FUCKING SAID-

OH. THAT'S A HORRIBLE WAY TO DIE- POOR KAZ'S DAD-

HE GREW UP ON A FARM.

KAZ IS A FARMER BOY.

THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY.

this is gonna be sad.

oh he liked the omelets :(

OMG HES SO INNOCENT

FUCK NOT WCS

OMG I CAN'T DO THIS RN

HE BLAMES HIMSELFFFFF

I'M GONNA SOB

JORDIEEEE

NOOO YOU JINXED IT

actually about to start crying

knowing Jordie dies hurt

WHERE IS SASKIA NOW

"That seems like cheating" and he does it now :(

omg Filip not a good idea

AHHH

he didn't.

he didn't just trick some helpless CHILDREN right?

OMFG HE DID.

OH THE RIBBON

OH THE METAPHOR

OMG OUCH HOLY SHIT

Chapter 19, Matty boy is back

Feel like it hasn't been his pov in forever

It's only been 4 chapters.

Embarrassing on my part 💀

anyways this chapter is so long

20 pages this time

still not that long but longer than the last time I complained about it

anyways

I love Nina

HE CAN SMILE???

He's such a child

it's so funny

Finally they're having contact without them trying to kill each other

OMG HE'S SO IN LOVE

AHHHH in a good way this time

uh oh running out of romance tabs

you ruined it Matty boy

I love that they say that

"Strange people" PLEASE

So real Jesper

Kaz has his priorities straight

money>>>>everyhing/hj

HE LEFT HIS CANE????

omg they just keep going 😭

sometimes I forget they're technically speaking another language

do none of them have mothers

If Matty betrays them istg

Don't pull a Peter Matty boy

Ah fuck I'm out of post-its for my in-book annotations

ugh I should've been better prepared 😭

omg I'm ALSO always in charge of making sure people don't start fighting

ONCE AGAIN, KAZ IS A FUCKING GENIUS.

omg Matty, I love you, but you're getting on my fucking nerves

KAZ PAIRING WYLAN AND JESPER TOGETHER AGAIN

PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO SHIPS HIM

THERE'S NO WAY I'M THE ONLY ONE

AT LEAST YOU FOUND SOMETHING TO AGREE ON 💀

Matty, they ARE crows

HIM IMITATING THE BELLS

Because you're in love Matty boy, that's why

HOW LONG WAS NINA PULLING HIS HEAVY ASS BODY WITH HER? AND USING POWERS?? DAMN

awww they're so cute

if we look past the fact they are very close to death

um...

HE TURNED AROUND FOR HER

Nah I don't think it's intentional I think you just have a dirty mind Matty boy

"Then you're as stupid as you look" SLAY NINA!!!!

OMG MATT GET OVER YOURSELF AND TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES.

IT'S NOT NATURAL FOR SOMEONE TO BE AS STUPID AS HE IS TALL 💀💀💀

A BURLY SQUID????? NINAAA

AHHHH

"He lied. He did like the way she talked."

MATTY

oh god

GO OFF NINA!!!!

HOW IS ONE OF THEM ALIVE?

oh poor Nina

YES NINA STAND YOUR GROUND

Matthias. Yes I just said your real name. That is such a fucked up thing to say.

SLAY NINA

Chapter 20, NINAAA

the ending of the last chapter made me really angry at Matty boy so

also I'm officially halfway through the book!!!

oh Nina loves him so much :/

so down bad

I LOVE THEM

well I get why he hates Grisha if his family was killed by them

WE DON'T EAT BABIES 💀

Matt you do not have fun you seem like the most boring person ever

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD LAUGH I'M CRYING

Nina is so relatable

"Do you ever doubt yourself?"

"All the time." "I just don't show it."

OMG NINA JUST CALLED HIM OUT

fuck out of romance tabs

so cute though

OMG THEY NAME SHARED

AHHHHH

oh he angry

honestly has the right to

Nina now wtf come on

INEJ TO THE RESCUE!!!!

I might actually cry I found more tabs and I don't wanna go back

At least I have them for the future?

I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF CHECKING MY BAG OMFG

IT'S A NEW FUCKING PACK TOO I'M GONNA START SOBBING

Switching general note post-its too BECAUSE THERE WAS A WHOLE FUCKING THING OF THOSE TOO

MY GOD 😭

how do you view Grisha as less than you WHEN THEY ARE LITERALLY BETTER THAN YOU IN SO MANY WAYS

ARE YOU CONTROLLING THE ELEMENTS? I DIDN'T THINK SO

CAN YOU KILL SOMEONE WITHOUT TOUCHING THEM? NOPE.

STAY IN YOUR FUCKING LANE

oh that's fucked up Kaz

ok well Nina is justified in all that

HE DOESN'T WANT IT???

WOOHOO

YIPPEE

HOPEFULLY THEY WON'T TRY TO KILL EACH OTHER NOW

Summing up what I read in school! (so ten pages)

That food was probably disgusting, CANNONS? "WHO KNEW I HAD A TASTE FOR LITERATURE" JESPER 💀. Good plan, but also so incredibly stupid wtf. NINA. Inej's discussion with Matty is so true.

alright continuing chapter 21, INEJ!!!

my wife fr

Bro Jesper is just so me

Bro, I'd give this man the most amazing, mind-blowing, leg-shaking, eye-rolling, breath-taking, sheet-grabbing, sloppiest head he's ever gotten in his entire life

Who said that cause it wasn't me

Def not

anyways

OH NO HE FLINCHED

oh shit they're pressed together

his touch thing

oh fuck

don't cry, don't cry, don't cry

Matty boy scary

"IT LOOKS LIKE LEAVING THEM IN A DITCH" 💀

Nina and Matty boy are so cute 😍

IDEAL FOR FAKING SUICIDES????

This book gives me stress

OMG KAZ I'M GONNA CRY

FAINTED??? SOBBING SCREAMING RIPPING MY HAIR OUT

Chapter 22, KAZZLE DAZZLE

SCARED FR

oh their story is so sad :/

NOOOOOO JORDIE

OH MY GOD.

HE'S SO YOUNG

THIS ISN'T FAIR

I'M ACTUALLY CRYING

HE HAD TO USE HIS BODY

OH HONEY YOU'RE NO MONSTER DON'T SAY THAT

OMG HIM AND INEJ I'M GONNA SOB

OH NO HE'S PANICKING CAUSE INEJ ISN'T THERE

TANKS?

Kaz slays with the quotes per usual

JESPER 💀

OH LORD KAZ I'M GONNA CRY AGAIN

THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR JOKES JESPER

oh Kaz :/ I FEEL SO BAD

"Kaz knew the word for cripple in plenty of languages" KAZZZZZZ 😭

SLAY KAZ YOU DO THAT!!!

Chapter 23, JESPER!!!!!

He just like me but my father doesn't understand so 🤷🏻‍♀

THE LEG WAS ASKING FOR IT????? WHAT????

I WANT MORE WYLAN 😡

Love Jesper and Wylan so much

SINCE WHEN IS HE A FABRIKATOR

I LOVE THEM

THEY'RE BOTH FARM BOYS

Y'ALL THAT'S TOO FUNNY TO ME

THE FLIRTINGGGG

Chapter 24, NINA!!!

my other wife

so pretty much all of the Fjerdan are hella tall? scary

THOSE CELLS ARE HORRIBLE

poor Nina

UH OH UH OH UH OH

NOT AN ALARM OMG

Chapter 25, Inej!!!

even his gloves are genius

AH ISTG IF SHE FALLS

THE SHOES???

omg Kaz and Inej 😍

I hate this place.

EW HELEEN IS DISGUSTING

Flexing like a goddamn acrobat

"Better terrible truths than kind lies"

so real for that one

please Inej, keep going 😭

THANK YOU RAIN OMG

THE STRESS

YES INEJ, YES IT IS!!!

Chapter 26, my husband

the only thing keeping him alive rn is revenge

KAZ YOU BIT HIM??? 😭

Genius at 9

A ROCK??? BRO KAZ WAS AS RUTHLESS AT 9 AS HE IS NOW

Rietveld

Kaz Rietveld

Idk doesn't have the same ring to it but that might just be because I'm used to Brekker

Kaz should teach me cards imagine how much money I'd get

OMG HE'S HERE?

KAZ

ok y'all I'm gonna start struggling I've used too many images so I have like 3 more chapters I can go between and then I'm gonna have to start a new post

I'm gonna cry

anyways

chapter 27 JESPER!!!

OH I FORGOT ABOUT THE ALARM

ok they're all good

for now

HELP JESPER IS TOO FUNNY THIS IS A SERIOUS SITUATION

NOT THE MENAGERIE 😡

chapter 28, INEJ!!!!

my wife fr

DEMON AGAIN 💀

bro how are they all geniuses

so we have a new plan!!!!!

WDYM MISS THAT LOOK YOU'LL BE SEEING IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

RIGHT? RIGHT??????

I like shiny things

omg I hate this

DON'T SAY THAT

omg Matty said it

JESPER 💀

Omg she's gonna leave.

OMG HE TOUCHED HER.

AHHHH

HE DIDN'T PULL AWAYYYY

omg she'd be such a good captain

they all have horrific backgrounds

I love Nina sm

HELP

"all I can see is your ass" 💀

THEY CALLED HIM A TULIP

BRO THAT'S BETTER THAN THE STORK THING

I CAN'T RN

DON'T FLIRT WITH HIM FLIRT WITH ME

OMG INEJ ISTG IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU

this is the last chapter I'm doing on this post

BUT CHAPTER 29!! MATTY BOY

I love Jesper

Bro loves her so much

we just moving past that??

HE DIDN'T SHOOT!!! WOOHOO!!!

#★nyx reads soc!

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rakesh-ghai · 2 years ago

Text

BIRTH NAME: Rakesh Syed Ghai NICKNAME: Rara AGE+DOB: 37 years old, November 5th, 1984 GENDER: bi-gender YEARS ON MERIDIUM: >1 year (just arrived) GROUP: Meridiumer ATTUNEMENT: earth PRONOUNS: they/he NATIONALITY: American ETHNICITY: Gujarati EDUCATION: Law school in Seattle PlACE OF BIRTH: Seattle, USA CURRENT LOCATION: unknown OCCUPATION: Criminal Lawyer RELIGION: Hindu ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Neutral FAMILY: a mother & a father FACECLAIM: Sidharth Malhotra

“I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.” ― John Barrowman

You grow up with a large weight on your shoulder: you’re meant for something more. All you want is to be an actor, to shine on the stage like so many of your great heroes: Irrfan Khan, Shah Rukh Khan, and Aamir Khan. Your mother loves it when you sing and dance around the room; but it’s not a career. You try to do both the thing that brings you joy, and the thing that keeps your parents happy. But as the years pass, you find it almost impossible to continue your acting jobs and become a lawyer.

In order to deal with your own disappointment, you put your job in jeopardy: trading secrets for sex and company. You don’t mind, you want to feel alive, and he makes you feel that… and more. Then he runs off with someone else, and you know what you have is just something, a simple thing, why make it more complicated. But you care, perhaps you care too much, perhaps that has always been your problem, your downfall. When he disappears you go to look for him, you never stop looking for him.

But you continue to live, you throw yourself in your work, and you drink to make yourself feel less sad. Because you deal with the hurt and sadness of others on a daily basis. You are in criminal law because you believe you can save people, you couldn’t save him, but you can save others.

Saving yourself is last on your list however. The day you realise how uncareful you’ve been, is the day it’s too late for you to turn back. You end up gagged and bound in the back of an RV, and when you wake up again after they knock you out, you are drowning. You gasp for breath, you try to make it to the surface, but you can’t swim. You think this is the end, until you feel hands grabbing you, pulling you to shore. And you realise you’re no longer in Seattle.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

those who pulled Rakesh from the water

those who took care of them after they got out

perhaps some people who recognise them from when they were in shows and movies (they were a paid actor - part time - for 8 years).

people who can deal with them pining over Kaz

#intro

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bleakbluejay · 11 months ago

Text

To add onto this, here's some characters I really really love and feel represented by, even if it's not on purpose. It's good to spread some positivity. Even if a lot of that is stored in the headcanon.

Ellie Williams from The Last of Us... realistic interpretation of PTSD, and she's a gender non-conforming lesbian. I love her.

2. Stevie Kenarban from Malcom in the Middle... pretty realistic depiction of a disabled kid, I think. He's mischievous and clever, adaptable to circumstances, a little behind socially, and super hard-headed.

3. Bran Stark from A Song of Ice and Fire... it's hard to pick any one character from asoiaf, it has so so many queer-coded and disabled characters, but I really like Bran as someone who has been disabled since I was young. He deals with a lot of internalized ableism, and the natural why-mes of being a kid who can no longer kid. But through him we also see how he adapts -- the adapted saddle so he can still ride a horse, the bars installed around his bedroom so he can maneuver while preserving independence, the manufacturing of the basket on Hodor's back because it's more dignified than being carried. Through him we also see a tendency towards unhealthy escapism that disabled kids can often have. These books also have little people, more amputees than I can count, a wheelchair user, a blind character, characters with severe burn scars, traumatized characters, gnc characters that could be trans under some lenses, gay characters, fat characters, and so much more. Most of them as major POV characters, or close friends to POV characters.

4. Kaz Brekker from the Six of Crows Duology... severe PTSD and a leg injury that requires him use a cane (which is unrelated to the PTSD). His leg hurts him, and his PTSD makes it hard for him to make physical contact with others, and hard to form relationships. He wears gloves because it acts as armor against other people's skin. Six of Crows also has an ADHD character, a dyslexic character, and at least four queer characters as main characters. Which rules. (took a picture from the show even though I only watched the first season sorry)

5. Harrier Du Bois from Disco Elysium... I don't think the universe of Disco has words for what's wrong with Harry, and it would be wrong of me to diagnose him as I'm not a psychiatrist, but Jesus H. Christ. Whatever is wrong with him is wrong with me, too. Other than the amnesia. I can say that his symptoms and tendencies remind me of my PTSD, BPD, ADHD, and autism. He is extremely implied to be bisexual, too. Also? This part is headcanon, but this guy is so genderqueer it makes me want to throw up. I genuinely thought there was going to be a trans storyline while playing DE for the first time and it just didn't come up.

6&7. Patty and Simon from Dinner in America... okay I know this is two, but there was a little too much masculinity on this one. I relate more to Simon, but Patty's worth mentioning too. No diagnosis is explicitly stated for either, but it's implied that Patty is autistic, and I think that Simon is, too (just a very different part of the spectrum). Also, if you ask me, they're both bisexual and nonbinary, but that's just headcanon. They beat up ableists together.

8. Lane Meyer from Better Off Dead... this one is so fascinating to me. This is my favorite movie and has been since I was a kid. So Lane is just psychotic and suicidal, and nobody in the movie makes a big deal out of it. Nobody cares. He frequently tries to kill himself. He hallucinates drawings and Barney Rubble talking to him. And people just look at him funny and go "ok. anyway." I relate to him so so much. I just think it's neat. This movie is like Donnie Darko for silly people.

9. Al from Little Evil... We don't know Al's gender. We know Al identifies as a dad, and that Al has a wife, and that Al loves monster trucks. I love this character. They're everything to me. They're fat, they're silly, they dress like me, they're a loyal friend. I want more of these characters. There should be one of these in every piece of media ever. Also, to me, the kid in this movie reads as autistic and lashing out due to being misunderstood, and I didn't see that until I showed this film to one of my best friends.

10. Guts from Berserk... ok. hear me out. I know that Berserk isn't for everyone. It's hella fucked up, especially to women. But. The main character is a CSA survivor afraid of being touched, afraid of closeness in general. He later on becomes an amputee and loses an eye. His whole story is about survival and hope and perseverance despite The Worst Horrors Ever. Guts kinda fucking rules. His amputation isn't particularly disabling because he gets a repeating crossbow prosthetic but I'll give it a pass because of the whole CSA and PTSD thing he has going on being as authentic as it is.

And OH yeah I'm aware there aren't many women on this list. We need more disabled and queer women in media. I feel like it's really common for disabled women to be damsels in distress that need to be saved, and queer women feel often written for straight men or at the very least sapphics that are NOT me. There's some that I like in media, like Eda Clawthorne from Owl House, but I don't really relate to her, and this whole post is about relatability. Write more queer and disabled women. Write more queer and disabled nonbinary characters. Write more queer and disabled men, for that fucking matter. Anyone. Is this thing on? Can anyone hear me?

i would really love to see more people like me in the media i consume, and i really would've loved to see people like me in the media that i consumed as a kid.

like. i'm lifelong disabled, i've always been disabled, i've only gotten worse. but when i see disabled kid characters, they have helicopter parents (like Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle). i didn't. i was largely neglected beyond my basic needs because i was a "good kid, just lazy". so i wasn't taught how to do basic things, and i was very socially stunted. i got my socialization through video games, books, and cartoons. and i'm forever weird because of it (not that it's the worst, i like having a unique personality for sure. but i'd like to see more weird poorly socialized kids, too, that aren't like... bullies or something -- and the fact poorly socialized or socially disabled characters are often coded as bullies or creeps of some kind could be a rant in itself).

when i see disabled characters in general, especially ones in wheelchairs like me, they're all skinny. i'm not. i'm fat. like very fat. muscular, sure, i could punch like a kangaroo i bet, but i'm 300+ lbs. because it's hard to exercise when your walking/standing are so limited. and it's hard to cook healthy food, too, leading to eating shit microwavable junk. but all the wheelchair-using characters i know, minus Franklin from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, are skinny. in general, there's too many skinny people in media, and we need more variation in body types and builds, but focusing on disabled characters for this one.

when i see amputee characters get a prosthetic, they have no issues. they don't ever deal with poorly fit prosthetics, or blisters, or pain. if they deal with anything at all, it's usually a sight gag (which could be done well, it IS funny when i get my fake foot caught under stuff sometimes, but it often isn't done well at all). they don't deal with any internalized ableism, and i think the only times i saw a disabled character deal with outright malicious ableism was Walt Jr. in Breaking Bad season 1 (who was genuinely an amazing disabled character imo, one of the best I've ever seen) and Patty in Dinner in America. I understand the argument that nobody wants to witness ableism... and self-hating disabled characters also suck... but I feel like we're being so dishonest when we write things to be perfect and always work out and there's never any problems, and it leads to non-disabled people not being aware of the problematic things they do or say or think. i remember as a disabled kid being really frustrated when shown disabled characters that were so well-off in terms of how other people treated them and how easy it was to "fix" their disabilities... it made me feel broken or wrong that I WAS so frustrated and confused and in pain and mistreated. It's why characters like Lt. Dan from Forrest Gump, and John Locke from LOST, and Bran Stark + Tyrion Lannister + Jaime Lannister from A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones meant so much to me and were so magnetic. (I could write a whole different rant about disabled rep in ASOIAF/GOT btw... I love you Davos Seaworth) ... Being disabled can suck. People can mistreat you. You sometimes have to be forced to adapt when you shouldn't have to. You have to, at times, confront that some of your dreams are impossible to achieve, or that you can no longer do something that you love, and learn to accept it (but there's often a lot of bitterness and rage before you get to the point of that acceptance).

What about how PTSD and depression are shown? See, I don't relate to the wilting flower brooding archetype that feels so common. If I spend all day in bed, it's usually more for pain than it is because of mental health. What about psychotics shown in a positive light? I'm not a threat to you because of my paranoia or hallucinations, and neither are my psychotic friends. What about OCD, shown in ways other than counting and germaphobia? What about autism, shown in ways other than robotic apaths? What about BPD, shown in a way other than abuse?

Let's move away from disabled characters into queer ones. Because I don't see a lot of queer characters like me, either. I am transmasc nonbinary, and I identify as a lesbian, and also on the ace spectrum (demi or grey, idk, shit's hard). Where are my fat dykes? Transmascs in general, but also transmascs that still enjoy makeup? I love makeup... I love the pageantry of it -- esp tradgoth or punk makeup or corpse paint. It's amazing how many transmasc nonbinary people I know in real life that engage with femininity compared to how nonexistent they are in any media. God forbid you have a character that takes testosterone but still calls themself a lesbian. God forbid you have a lesbian that leans more butch that ISN'T a sex-hound or a villain or a joke character. God forbid you have an ace character that isn't treated like a robot. Authentic queerness feels incredibly rare. I know it's because they're going for either sanitized queerness that is accessible for straight people, or for softcore porn also for straight people, but fuck, man. It sucks. The closest thing to representation I've ever seen in regards to my queerness was Al from Little Evil -- a masc person of indeterminate gender identity with a wife. And Al rocked. Even if that character was largely a comedic relief, their identity itself didn't feel like the joke, just a point of mild confusion for the main character. The next best representation I've seen was Aziraphale and Crowley from the Good Omens show, which are good and feel very authentic and real. Next best after that is probably the entire cast of the What We Do in the Shadows show... I know so many Laszlos and Nandors and Guillermos and Nadjas in real life, they feel like pretty authentic queer characters actually. None that I, in particular, relate to, other than maybe Guillermo at best, but it's nice to see my friends on TV, too.

I know that a character exactly like me is a bit too much to wish for. But I just want something. I like to feel seen. I like to feel present. I like to feel like people like me are worth having on TV and in movies and in video games. I would've really liked to see any of that as a really confused, lonely kid that was trapped inside because of my health and sentenced to read/watch/play hours and hours and hours and hours of media that did not contain any piece of me within them. It worsened my loneliness more than ever needed.

#eli talks

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mindofasupernova · 3 years ago

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The Inventor Part 2

Kaz Brekker x reader

Description: A killer is on the loose, eliminating Kaz's informants. In a desperate attempt, Kaz meets a certain inventor that has his mind racing, trying to figure out the complex puzzle she is.

Hope you like it, let me know what you think.

Kaz

A corpse? That's what she wanted? Did she think that he just kept all the bodies of his deceased workers in his room? How the hell was he supposed to get his hands on the corpse of one of his poisoned informants?

One day after meeting the young inventor, Kaz had sent Inej to gather answers to the Y/LN Manor. And just as promised, the girl had already identified most of the compounds, but due to "careless and messy manipulation", clearly referring to Kaz's pouch, she had been unable to determine a specific substance that acted as a catalyst. Inej returned to the Slat with Y/N's message asking for a meeting and a request Kaz wasn't exactly expecting.

According to Y/N, it was of the utmost importance for her to examine the body if she hoped to pinpoint the missing compound not to mention it provided a perfect opportunity for Kaz to tell her about how the poison had captured his attention.

Inej had returned later than usual, smiling and carrying a small brown bag that wafted a sweet and delicious scent. When Kaz had raised his eyebrows in question, Inej had told him Y/N had given her some recently baked cookies. He grunted in response and kept working, but his mind kept drifting back to the cookie bag and what that small act meant.

Inej was cautious but he also knew that she always searched for kindness in people. That snack could have been simply just a gift but Kaz wouldn't have made it this far if he considered all people as kind-hearted. Y/N was a stranger, a rich stranger from the highest of ranks of society who probably didn't care if Barrel rats like him lived or not. Y/N hadn't asked for a favor nor did she need money, she just wanted to know, that unsettled Kaz more than he liked to admit.

He had spent the day gathering information about her, her personal life, hobbies, and all the rumors he could find. He had found absolutely nothing that could give him an insight into the girl's intentions, he had finished empty-handed with the information he already knew: she was the only daughter of one of the richest men in Ketterdam, the perfect personification of a wealthy royal daughter, an innocent and pious little thing that went to Church with her family. Kaz scoffed at that, the defying look she gave her at their secret rendezvous accompanied with her enthusiasm for carving a corpse open proved she was far from innocent.

No, until he had more facts he wouldn't let his guard down. And yet, a small part of him yearned for her actions to be good-intentioned. Stop, hope is a dangerous thing. He had already made the mistake of hoping when he was nine and look where it got him.

Kaz returned his gaze to the papers in front of him, huffing in annoyance, he started writing down orders to get a corpse for Y/N.

_______________

Y/N : One day after the meeting

Y/N was quietly sitting at her vanity, a soft smile adorned her face, gaze completely lost on her new device when Inej, soundlessly crept inside her bedroom.

After Kaz Brekker had left the shop near the Church of Barter, she no longer felt the giddy spark she had when she left her manor. She couldn't blame Mr. Zhang for telling Mr. Brekker about their association, he was an old jumpy man who wished no trouble upon no one. She had left all the concoctions that Mr. Zhang had order, but she didn't show him her latest joy, she no longer felt as excited.

This new invention she had come up with consisted of a music box. But it was no ordinary music box, far from it. Y/N had noticed how most of the music boxes got damaged with time when the metal rusted and the music no longer sounded like a melody but more like a haunted house. So, instead of depending on metal to play music, why not use water vapor. Yes, she had spent four days perfecting the pressure at which each piston released the water so it was a perfect copy of one of the melodies in the Komedie Brute. Four days making sure that the amount of heat the flame distributed was enough to transform the water into vapor but not so fast it was gone before the song ended. And now, here it was, a vapor-based music box with a decorative firebird in the center that literally caught fire, warming the water below.

Mind too caught up on the mechanics of her own work, that, when the Wraith materialized from the shadows behind her, Y/N sent a rain of screws and nuts toppling down the floor when Inej's hand landed on her shoulder.

Wide-eyed, Y/N turned around to face the apparition in her room. The Suli girl raised her hands, to show she intended no harm and in a kind voice spoke:

"I'm not here to hurt you. Kaz Brekker sent me to check up on your progress."

With a sigh of relief, Y/N straightened relaxed her posture. "Why, of course, should have assumed Mr. Brekker would send someone. Please, take a seat. " with a small smile, she gestured to a plush burgundy armchair.

"As promised, I have successfully identified most of the compounds. However, I fear identifying the catalyst agent won't be possible unless I conduct a thorough autopsy on the unfortunate victim. The needle I was given was in an atrocious condition, too many foreign compounds had already interacted with it." Y/N answered, finishing with a hopeful tone.

Inej nodded her head and responded, "I'll let Kaz know, thank you Marchioness Y/LN." Inej turned around, making a bee-line for the window.

"You must not be thinking of going out in this beastly weather. Please, stay until this horrendous downpour ceases." Y/N quickly called back, wrapping her silk shawl around her petite frame, as if the thought of stepping outside was enough to send a chill running down her spine.

Inej hesitated, directing a fleeting glance at the crying sky outside, she resumed to her previous seat.

"Would you like a piece of Cinamon-coated Pavlova? I guarantee you won't regret it, the caramelized peaches are sinfully appetizing!" and before the Suli girl could respond, Y/N was rushing out of her room, the dainty patter of her heels clicking down the stairs.

Her room was exactly what Inej had expected: luxurious and overly grand. But there was something about it that Inej couldn't quite place, her room was tidy to the extreme, all the expensive perfume bottles lined up, gaps between that appeared as if they had been measured with a ruler. Nothing in her room showed a preference or indication of what she truly liked, at first sight, the room would have seemed like the perfect fairytale but now, upon close observation, the room looked generic, hollow, and cold. The spy wondered if all the riches were worth living into a life as impersonal as hers.

Y/N returned, carrying a tray full of fancy desserts Inej couldn't even pronounce.

"The baker proclaims himself a master of crème brûlées. I prefer his fruit-stuffed truffles, though. Mouthwatering" Y/N commented, gingerly placing the tray on her small mahogany table.

Y/N waited for Inej to take a bite out of the coffee tiramisu, after the Suli girl let a soft hum of appreciation, Y/N smiled and questioned: "I hope I'm not being too invasive, but how did you manage to climb all the way to my window? There are no nooks where you could have possibly held onto, you must have an incredible balance to perform such a feat."

And that's how Inej told her about her life as an acrobat, proudly sharing brief glimpses to her past, seeing no harm in the girl next to her. Y/N was more than happy when Inej started talking, she was glad the bronzed-skinned girl didn't treat her with timid whispers afraid of offending her royal title. It felt nice to have a normal conversation, being able to share honest opinions instead fake smiles and condescending words at galas, afraid that if the wrong statement slipped they'll become the next party gossip.

____________________

The morning after, Inej returned bearing Mr. Brekker's message agreeing to a nightly meeting where she'll be able to examine the corpse.

Saying that Y/N was thrilled, was an understatement, apart from a chance to put her brain to good use, it gave her the perfect opportunity to try a device she had specifically designed for creating an alibi while she was sneaking outside at unlikely hours.

Y/N hated piano. Don't get her wrong, it wasn't the instrument, it was the music, her music. Because for an unknown reason, her fingers seemed to have a mind of their own whenever she tried to. She admired the focus and dedication of musicians, she really did, but her mind easily got distracted thinking about her latest reading material instead of focusing on the notes. So, she had created a system capable of pushing the tiles as if her own fingers played the music. She knew it was wrong to fool her parents in such a way but it gave her a perfect cover to go in secret missions her parents would never approve of.

Proper ladies don't get excited over knowledge, much less probe in repulsive matters such as corpses. Look at you, Y/N, what would future suitors think if they discover you all cheerful over someone´s murder? The scandal! Zia Francesca's reprimanding voice resonated inside Y/N´s head. But she could care less about what the whole Ketterdam thought about her, science was her passion, and she would abandon it until the day she died.

Already outside, a navy blue scarf wrapped around her head to shield her delicate features against unwanted attention, Y/N waited for Inej at their chosen meeting point.

The sly girl slipped into view, with a grace greater than the one of a feline, leaving the shadows as if she and the night were one. With a brief nod, Y/N followed the girl into the awaiting hands of darkness. Leading her towards the Barrel, a place where monsters lurked behind every corner impatiently waiting to pounce any minute. Nonetheless, Y/N felt ecstatic, warm excitement pulsing through her veins, a river waiting in anticipation to break the thin modest facade she kept up to let her curiosity resurface in search of enigmas to solve.

When they arrived at a place named "The Crow Club", Inej went to get Kaz and some "others" and told her to wait. Y/N observed the lively atmosphere, seeing customers from different countries around the world when her eyes landed on a familiar head with wild red curls.

"Mr. Van Eck?" Y/N questioned in disbelief, the boy perked up at the sound of his last name, locking eyes with the hooded girl.

Never would she have imagined finding Wylan Van Eck down in the Barrel. She was shocked, Wylan supposedly should be in a music school outside of Ketterdam. Both belonging to affluent families, Y/N had met Wylan Van Eck at several parties. She hadn't gotten to know him very well, but she liked the quiet boy who shared the same look of misfortune Y/N had every time they were thrown into a classy social event. When his father had announced he was leaving to study abroad, Y/N was happy for him although she would miss being silently miserable together. But it appeared Wylan had been doing something far from studying, now sitting next to a tall Zemeni boy with his arm slung around his shoulder.

"Marchioness Y/N, I never imagined...W-What brings you here?" replied round-eyed Wylan, confusion, and astonishment written all over his features.

But before Y/N could respond, steps and the tapping of a cane interrupted their little meeting, Inej small silhouette trailing behind Mr. Brekker.

"So, you know Wylan?" he interrogated in that characteristic rasp, coffee eyes scrutinizing Y/N's form.

"Yes, Mr. Van Eck used to come to our social gatherings."

Wylan just nodded shyly while his long-limbed companion kept drowning shot like they were water.

Dirtyhands humphed in acknowledgment "Nice, know that we are all together let's go to...Jesper, I don't pay you to drink the bar dry. Get your ass down here and let's get moving so our dear inventor can examine the body, shall we?

"Wait, she is the contact you talked about?" the Zemeni, Jesper, questioned. Eyes going from Kaz Brekker to Y/N, as if this was some kind of joke.

"Wylan called her Marchioness? You asked for a royal's help?" Jesper asked, an incredulous mocking smile on his face. "Who are you and what have you done with Kaz?"

Mr. Brekker scowled at him and without another word turned around not even waiting for them to follow.

"Well, nice to meet you, my lady. The name's Jesper Fahey," he said, bowing down and kissing her hand, sending her a mischievous wink.

"Very nice to make your acquaintance, Mr. Fahey. And please, there's no need for formalities, just call me Y/N." she comforted, as they finally reached the others. Glancing at the rest while finishing her last statement, prompting the rest to call her by her first name.

________

Kaz

Y/N radiated waves of elation, her whole face lighting up at the thought of an adventure, a star amid the tumultuous dark waters of Ketterdam helping him find his way to the shore.

Kaz wore an amused expression at Y/N's amused gaze roaming the dirty streets of the Barrel, a new unknown world full of carnage and sins. She isn't fit for the Barrel thought Kaz, her eyes dancing in amusement at every little detail that caught her interest despite her efforts to put on a serious face and regal posture. She probably saw wonderous adventures while Kaz saw the Barrel for what it really was: a ravenous, savage beast waiting to swallow the weakest whole and drain the lives of the ones who survived its ghastly bites. And somehow the concept that she didn't belong in this world, his world, made Kaz's heart wrenched a little.

During their walk, Kaz shared the details about the latest killer on the loose and his dead informants, all the while, Y/N remained quiet, evaluating every one of his words.

When they arrived at an abandoned building, a single man was stationed outside, leaning on the tainted wall with a tired look in his eyes. Kaz nodded at the guard who gave him a set of keys and trotted out of sight. Kaz guided them inside, careful no prying eyes had followed them. Kaz turned on the lights, briefly disconcerting his companions, and pointed to a table with a big bulk covered by a dirty cloth.

"As you requested, the unfortunate victim" announced Kaz as Y/N placed a small suitcase she'd brought with her forensic equipment and tenderly pried the cloth covering the thing that once had been alive.

Y/N didn't bat an eyelash when she saw the corpse's face, not even when Jesper started gagging or when Inej turned around and started quietly mumbling prayers to her saints. Kaz focused on her face, the calm inquisitive look of a scientist, he had expected a gasp at least. Kaz was impressed by her cool analytical demeanor when a simple glimpse of the man was enough to send Kaz back to the ocean, rotting flesh beneath his fingertips. Kaz shuddered at the thought, forcing down the vomit rising in his throat.

"If you need an assistant, Jesper is willing to help" Kaz stated, stabilizing his voice so it wouldn't show his true feelings.

"What?! Me? Umm..no...I...Helping isn't a Jesper talent." Mr. Fahey said, a fearful look in his eyes, face white as a sheet. Kaz hoped he didn't look as terrified as him.

Y/N stopped her scan, looked up at the two boys, and with a small smile spoke: "I appreciate it, but there's no need. I'm certain I can handle it on my own."

Quickly discarding her coat and scarf, pushing back the sleeves of her rouge-colored blouse, and pulling long laboratory gloves over her hands along with a white apron over her head, she set up to work.

Kaz stared at her features, as she transformed into an eager forensic, light illuminating her face, falling in the right places giving her an otherwordly glow. Rebellious strands of hair framing her forehead, a pink hue staining her cheeks indicating her joyous state. The sight before him would have put any masterpiece to shame, Kaz wondered how she could stare at a corpse and find glee in such a morbid image. But Kaz liked it, the brilliant gleam her eyes portrayed, her childish joy at the promise of adventure.

The spell was broken when she started pulling out scalpels, syringes, and other items Dirtyhands couldn't bother to learn the name of. Pulling the flesh taught beneath her fingers, Y/N made a Y incision, skin splaying open.

Cold lifeless hands gripped Kaz's throat. his brother's icy whispers brushing his skin. He turned his head away and as if perceiving his discomfort, Y/N's bewitching doe eyes stared back at him.

"You can wait outside if you prefer to, I'll notify you when I'm done." her gentle voice reached and Kaz couldn't have been more grateful.

With a sharp shake of his head, Kaz limped towards the exit, Jesper, and Inej quickly following his movements.

--------

After Y/N finished, she eagerly started explaining her findings, a prideful gleam emanating from her.

"Well, Mr. Brekker I must admit this case is a peculiar one. The simplest ones always prove to be the most challenging."

"Here I thought that after years of fancy tea reunions you'd know the meaning of a vast number of words. I'll be sure to buy you a thesaurus." mocked Kaz, a wolfish smirk creeping onto his face.

The inventor frowned at his comment, racing her chin higher, and started her rant, thoughts racing to prove her point.

"Oh no, Mr. Brekker do not confuse simple and easy. Simple is straightforward, plain facts to the observer. Ordinary details are hard to pinpoint, effortlessly found everywhere, which makes it harder to find unique characteristics that could serve as means of identification since their nature is so elementary." Y/N spoke swiftly, pacing around the room, eyes never faltering from Kaz's.

"And that's exactly what happened in this case. As I had mentioned, my extraction wasn't entirely successful, for an essential reactant was missing. However, it wasn't the only reason why I insisted on examining the body, no, a very simple and ordinary substance appeared when I separated the poison: Helianthus annuus or more commonly known as sunflowers." Y/N paused glancing at their surprised faces, clearly pleased with their reactions, she continued, the corners of her lips tugging upwards.

"You can imagine my surprise when I found sunflower pollen as the main component of the poisonous agent. I ran several more tests and the result remains the same, our killer is using these lovely flowers as a weapon. Now, back to the catalyst, the easy part of the equation. This component isn't as fastidious as the previous one, why, you may ask. Well, its vast majority consists of average materials but a small percentage of it contains alloys that are only produced in Ketterdam, that combined with the peculiar way they were fused, suggests a Grisha alkemi made this solution." Y/N concluded, grabbing a piece of paper and hastily writing before she handed it to Kaz.

"There are no signs of struggle, meaning either they knew the attacker or they were taken by surprise. A swift prick to the femoral artery, a clear pathway for the poison to reach the bloodstream, infecting the body within seconds."

"It shouldn't be very hard to find the alkemi. They aren't very popular and most of them are indentured. Here is the list of all the reactants, the specifics, and where I believe you might find them. " finished the girl, looking at the trio expectantly.

"If you don't mind, I have taken a sample to examine more carefully at my house. I'll try to find any details I might have overlooked."

Briskly reading the list, Kaz frowned and then pocketed the small scrap of paper. "First thing tomorrow morning, ask around for an alkemi who might have bought these materials. "

Kaz turned to look at his fellow crows, content with their nods of approval, grabbed his cane, and sauntered towards the door. Her chemistry knowledge was astounding, a marvelous domain of anatomy, and an even more gifted engineer from what he had heard. Hers was an indeed beautiful mind, not that he would ever tell her.

"Mr. Brekker?" her light voice shattered through the gloomy night. Kaz craned his neck, gaping back at her in question.

"Is there perhaps a place where I might be able to tidy myself up?" Y/N questioned, Kaz finally looking at her messy red-stained apron and her exposed arms displaying strokes of red all over them.

Kaz hesitated for a moment, unsure if he should bring the girl back to their home. "You can use the restroom back at the Slat." The girl had risked her reputation sneaking out on ill-advised affairs to help them, it was the least he could do.

"Thank you" Y/N replied as she carefully peeled her apron, attentive at not brushing her arms against her blouse.

___________

Once she had freshened up, Y/N stumbled upon the young Van Eck talking with a couple. The green-eyed girl was about Y/N's age, a generously carved complexion, holding the hand of a tall Fjerdan.

Y/N inclined her head as a form of salute, "I never pegged you for the rebellious type, Mr. Van Eck. I never thought you hated music lessons that much to run away." she told him in a joking tone.

"And I never thought you were the type to sneak out at ungodly hours just to play detective. " Wylan replied, a grin beginning to form on his face.

"Well, I suppose everyone has secrets."

"You must be Y/N, Inej told me you were the help Kaz so desperetly needed. I'm Nina, he's Matthias and well you already know Wylan."

"It's a pleasure to meet you." Inej had briefly mentioned them, she knew now that Nina loved food, maybe next time she'll bring those exquisite truffles she had so eagerly talked about. If there is a next time Y/N reminded herself, she desperately hoped so, but now that her work was done she wasn't so sure Kaz Brekker would ever seek her again.

"Well, you have saved me the introductions." Kaz sarcastically glowered at the green-eyed girl, Nina kept talking as if she hadn't heard him.

It was one thing for Kaz to admire her intelligence, it did not mean he trusted her, though. Pieces were still missing to the intricate puzzle she was and until that changed Kaz did not like the way she rapidly befriended his crows, her intentions were still blurry to Kaz, and even though he would never admit it he cared deeply about their well-being.

"You should stay a little longer, we could go for waffles as a way of thank you." prompted Nina.

"Your offer is very tempting, but I'm afraid I'll have to pass. I should be returning home." Y/N declined, grinning at Nina, blissful someone had invited her for waffles.

Kaz stared at her and wondered how many times someone had done something similar, not to thank her but rather to use her, so that such a simple gesture put her in a joyful state.

"Scared of what your parents may do if they found out the truth?" Kaz quipped once his crows had left the two of them alone. A teasing tone masking true concern.

"Terrified. Someone may notice I've been playing the same four songs for the last couple of hours, always missing the same notes every time and they might get ideas of checking up on me," she confessed, mischief coating her features.

"Good night, Mr. Brekker. I'm happy I could be of assistance. Please, let me know if you find your killer or if my experience is needed again."

Kaz just bowed, signaling for his Wraith to get Y/N back to her manor in one piece.

Both girls disappeared into the night, leaving Kaz pondering what the hell she had meant with playing the piano.

___________

Y/N

Almost two weeks had passed, no signs of Kaz and no visits from the Wraith, well not that she was aware of. Y/N caught herself glaring at no point in particular, she readjusted her expression and plastered a well-practiced look of keen interest, trying to focus on Lady Stathos' rant about the attractiveness of the Viscount of Chagny.

Y/N politely excused herself, with no intention of making a fool of herself if Lady Stathos posed a question related to her gossip.

Too busy drowning in her own sorrow, knowing that Kaz had probably captured the culprit and was happily celebrating his success and no longer needing Y/N's help, that she stumbled forward, barely catching herself when someone bumped her from behind.

When Y/N turned back around, searching for that someone, she was met with a sight she had only seen once in an abandoned warehouse late at night. One that made her mind scream: Helianthus annuus.

Mercher Dupont's eyes were deranged, veins gruesomely popping and blood spilling from his lips, before toppling in the middle of the dance floor, taking his final breath.

#kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker fic #kaz brekker imagine #shadow and bone #imagine #six of crows

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heaven-in-a-wild-flower · 3 years ago

Text

Crows Headcanon: In Lockdown

Read this and more Crows headcanons on ao3 using this link

Chapter 1 (the chapters aren't related and do not continue the story, each can be read separately)

Kaz

Kaz yearns to vanquish the last of his enemies, to admire the bright red of their blood. He feels an ache in him that can only be sated by the sight of beautiful stolen kruge. He fantasises of the glorious feeling of having bested another. He shivers with desire when he thinks of all the fear he could be eliciting in people.

In other words, he's bored. What is a crime lord to do if no crimes can be done? (There is the option of ignoring lockdown and venturing out, but he's not stupid enough to risk getting a virus). He wakes up each morning and trudges to the rooftop because he wants to get some fresh air and some quiet (not because that seems to be Inej's favourite spot). He stays there for an hour or so, memorising various details of the city below (not Inej's smile. She loves sunsets and smiles softly at them). He's always incredibly calm after this exercise. It must be because of all the fresh air.

Then he has to go down and deal with the rest of his Crows, some of whom cannot stop talking at him (Jesper, of course). They all eat breakfast together at the table and chatter all through it. He misses being able to scare people away with just a glance and regale them with their secrets, just to watch them quake. The Crows giggle, how dare they, when he tries it on them. They aren't scared of him anymore and he hates it (loves it).

He then locks himself in his room and spends many hours plotting all the schemes he'll enact after the lockdown is lifted. Oh, the people of Ketterdam won't know what hit them. Someone keeps knocking and leaving food outside so eats that for lunch. He hasn't yet figured out who it might be. They're always gone no matter how fast he goes for the door. But no matter, he'll figure it out, he is Kaz Brekker after all, secrets bow to him.

In the evening they all sit down for a round of cards (sometimes even he falls prey to Jesper's charm). Kaz simultaneously trains them.

"What's the easiest way to temporarily blind someone?" he asks (This is more for personal entertainment than true training because he loves to rile Matthias up).

"Dirt in their face?" Inej asks.

"Bright light to the eye?" Jesper says.

"Tighten a blood vessel?" Nina suggests.

"Spit in their eyes?" Wylan adds. (Kaz will never say it, but he is so proud)

"You're all horrible," Matthias responds predictably, yet everyone hears him mutter, "Smoke bomb is best."

He goes to bed somewhat relaxed, an effect of not having to worry about being attacked in your sleep (or robbed, for that matter).

He'll never admit it to anyone, not even if you threaten to rob all his kruge but, maybe this lockdown situation with all his Crows is tolerable.

Inej

Inej misses the freedom. The freedom of being able to climb and slide and jump her way through any part of the city. Being trapped inside due to the lockdown causes a bit of anxiety in her. It does help to at least be able to see the entire city spread out before her like her very own feast and so she'll spend most of her morning on the roof, bottling up the feeling to last her through the day. She loves the sunset, but every time Kaz joins her at the roof, sneaking what he thinks are subtle glances at her, she can't stop smiling (a small gentle smile, but a smile nonetheless).

In the afternoon she, Nina and Jesper will try to cook. She laughs the most with them, her stomach aching in the best way afterwards. She loves them and endures their high energy goofy selves with equal parts fondness and amusement. The food isn't always the best, but the company is so good that she forgets the taste of it (most of the time, sometimes she has to yell at Jesper not to keep burning the food just to finish a good joke).

In the evenings, she'll sometimes practice some of her acrobatics wherever she can. She secretly gets thrilled by slightly scaring Jesper whenever he walks into a room and suddenly finds her dangling from somewhere. Sometimes when she feels anxious and desperately needs to be calmed, she'll ask Wylan to play his flute and fall asleep curled up wherever she is (Jesper loves taking pictures of her asleep in weird places and Kaz makes sure she always has a blanket on her but only when no one is looking).

Some nights she'll make some of her comfort food and Kaz will lean against the counter, claiming that he's helping (his presence helps her, always, even though he does not do any of the cooking). His absolute silence calms her, it feels both comforting and understanding and she loves the weight of his gaze on her, anchoring her. And every time she asks him to hand her something, their fingers brush and warmth bursts through her body. She loves these quiet nights they have, the way they are both magnetic to the other. She'll smile at him and he'll freeze and he'll move a bit closer to her and she'll tingle with awareness.

Jesper

Jesper, as we know, is a raging extrovert. He’s almost dying staying inside all day. He wakes up in the morning and gets dragged back in by Wylan who won't let him leave before he gives him a good cuddle in the morning. He indulges him, of course. He loves it. He didn't know that being wanted, being loved could feel like this. When he's eventually awake, he'll go chat up Matthias who also gets up pretty early to do his workout (although chat at is more accurate, considering that Matthias barely responds). He has taken to calling Matthias 'Matty' and Matthias loathes it (which means that Jesper does it all the time, of course).

Later, after Nina, Jesper and Inej manage to make lunch, he takes some up to Kaz. He leaves it outside his room and once he's in another room, he pushes any small metal object towards the door to make the knocks (because what use is it being Grisha if you don't use it for friendly pranks?). He hangs out with Nina in the afternoons sometimes and they discuss their favourite shows and characters. Those two will go on for hours without realising it and sometimes they won't even realise that they're being very loud (because that's what passionate fangirling/fanboying is like). As the fashion icons of the group, they also often do online shopping together. Sometimes he'll go from room to room (excluding Kaz's, not because it's locked but because it's, well, Kaz's) talking to everyone and trying to join whatever they're doing and he'll end up annoying everyone in one fell swoop, earning many comments along the lines of, "Wylan, what do you see in him?" Wylan would stroke his chin in thought and respond, "Hmm, you know what, now that you bring it up..." After this, Jesper will attack him with kisses all over his face and giggling, Wylan will forget whatever he was about to say.

Evenings are his favourite though, card time! The Crows refuse to bet kruge because they don't want to fuel his gambling addiction so they'll bet on random things. Losing one of the bets, Jesper had to take shots of Tabasco sauce alternating with shots of milk while singing Hot N Cold by Katy Perry (this was a Wylan dare, he is terrifyingly good at setting dares). The best one was when Kaz lost and had to dance to Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae) by Silentó while following the exact dance steps (this was a Nina dare. She was laughing so hard tears were rolling down her cheeks. Jesper tried to record it, but Kaz knocked the phone out of his hands using his cane.)

In the nights, Jesper watches Wylan write some of his own songs (a hobby he has picked up recently). He simply can't look away, Wylan's face scrunched up in concentration is too captivating.

"Stop staring," Wylan will complain sometimes, blushing and blushing, "I can't focus!"

Jesper will brush his hand through his curls, kiss his head and respond, "I can't help it, maybe I just like your stupid face."

"I'll dare you to do something truly horrifying tomorrow," Wylan threatens with the sweetest smile on his face and Jesper immediately backs off. He loves this side of Wylan, the side only the Crows get to see. The side who isn't quiet and innocent, who isn't afraid to speak his mind, to assert his place. He gives him one long kiss on the lips, leaving both of them just a little bit dazed and goes to sleep. He falls asleep immediately, all his energy drained and the pillow smelling wonderfully like Wylan.

Wylan

Wylan loves waking up with his boyfriend right next to him, even if he grumbles and refuses to get off the bed as early as Jesper does. His laziness certainly pays off, he gets breakfast in bed so many times! When he does wake up, he'll be groggy for the entirety of the morning (Jesper calls him 'Zombie Boy' in the mornings and if he were more awake, Wylan would probably object to this, but since he isn't, he just grumbles and focuses on not falling face first into his food). He only truly wakes up at lunchtime. He loves making little desserts to surprise the Crows. All their pleased reactions make him blush and grin at once.

He sometimes pulls Jesper onto the couch with him to watch a movie (because he loves spending time with him, not because the rest of the Crows have been begging him to distract Jesper, okay, maybe both are true). Shockingly, Jesper does not like action movies, Wylan found this out the hard way when he put on an action movie the first time and Jesper fell asleep not even halfway through it. Jesper actually likes... romcoms. Wylan loves how Jesper cries and laughs simultaneously, clutching Wylan's shirt and burying his face in it during the sad parts and jerking back up to laugh at the jokes or repeat the dialogues with the characters. Wylan loves being needed like this. He never knew he'd enjoy giving comfort as much as he loves receiving it.

Sometimes it scares him how much he loves the Crows. He hasn't ever known family that didn't hurt him, that liked him as is, no modifications needed. To help deal with this deluge of feelings without getting overwhelmed, he writes music. He pours all of his feelings into his flute and when they come out of it, they are sweet and painful, loud and whispery, sharp and smooth. He doesn't think all the Crows understand this but, it is enough to see a passing smile when they hear it and it is enough for him to get those feelings out there. And the peace he gives Inej when she falls asleep to his music makes him think she understands (she does).

He enjoys torturing the others during card time in the evenings (he absolutely preens when he sees Kaz's approving nod). He'll never tell anyone, but he finds some of his most outrageous dares on Reddit (Kaz knows this, and is even prouder of him at the deception).

He also sometimes lets Nina style his hair. She enjoys it and he does too. He loves the feeling of her hands moving gently through his curls. Closing his eyes, he allows himself to imagine that it's his mother. If he shudders or lets loose a few tears, he pretends it was the cold or the pain from having his hair tugged at. Nina lets him pretend, she understands wanting maternal affection, she's an orphan herself. She thinks having it and then having it taken away due to situations like these is harder than never having had it at all.

He goes to sleep slowly, curling up like a cat and watching Jesper's face in the restfulness of sleep. Oh, how lucky he is.

Nina

Nina has mixed feelings about the lockdown because she's an ambivert. She misses meeting people, but is also really happy and comfortable just staying in and hanging out with the other Crows.

She wakes up in the morning, not too early and not too late, but obviously later than Matthias because who even wakes up that early? Anyway, she stretches and lounges in bed for a while, enjoying the warmth. When she wakes up, Matthias is usually about to go for a shower (so he's sweaty, very very sweaty). He tries to hug her, but she dodges. "No, no! Take a shower first!" He grins and grabs her again (Is this really what all his Fierdan training is meant for? He thinks so, yes). Even though she doesn't quite enjoy the feeling of sweat-slicked arms around her, she loves this side of Matthias. This playful, childish side that only she gets to see. Every time it pops up, she feels proud, honoured even that he trusts her enough to be himself with her. It makes her heart warm.

After all the breakfast shenanigans, she goes into a room and picks up her knitting supplies. She's picked up this hobby in the lockdown to kill time, but now she's actually quite enjoying it. She makes socks and scarfs and sweaters and beanies, all with bright colours and cosily mismatched. She then gifts it to the others. She knows that they don't like it and that is why she pretends that they are genuine gifts. They wear it and she loves how they look it in. It makes her crack up so many times (she also loves them for it).

Wylan lands up with a pink and yellow coloured beanie that is about two times too big for his head. It keeps falling into his eyes and making him look like a little poisonous mushroom. Jesper gets a giant rainbow scarf that he loves. He wears it all the time and makes sure to hit as many people with the ends of it as he rewraps it around his neck over and over again. Inej gets a bright blue sweater with green and orange polka dots that she drowns in. Nina knows that Inej likes the way it covers her hands and keeps them warm. Kaz gets purple and black striped socks that he claims he never wears, yet she sometimes sees them in the wash. Matthias is so aggressively supportive of her that he wears all her creations at once, a beanie, a sweater, two scarves and a pair of socks. He's like a human furnace and she loves to cuddle him in them (she also suspects that he loves this too and this is the real reason he does it, but she, of course, doesn't mind).

She loves using her dares in the evening to embarrass Kaz because that is her true purpose in life, she is simply superb at it. And the glares she gets in return fuel her very soul (and if it makes Inej smile, then that's just an extra benefit).

She sometimes has girl-time with Inej, where they paint each other's nails and talk about Kaz or sometimes they talk about nothing at all. They play music and simply enjoy each other's company.

She and Matthias go to bed cuddling, his warmth wrapped all around her, or her warmth enveloping him. She didn't know a pair of arms could feel this wonderful, but she knows that it wouldn't work with just any pair of arms. Only his, always his.

Matthias

Matthias enjoys the lockdown time. He likes all the extra time, which he fills up with all sorts of activities he's always wanted to try. He also feels anxious if he's being unproductive so it's a win-win. He wakes up early. The waking up part is easier than leaving the circle of Nina's arms, but he manages somehow. He works out, ignoring Jesper and that accursed name (Matty).

Later, he moves on to his current hobby, woodworking. He's working on an extra cupboard so that Nina has space for all her clothes (she keeps buying more because she's bored and online shopping kills time, but Matthias blames it entirely on Jesper). Everybody is a bit jealous of how productive he is during the lockdown, but they also love it because of the gifts they get from it.

Matthias made Kaz a new cane with more modifications and a better grip and took Nina's help to make sure that it matched his "aesthetic" (he's still a bit unsure what that means, but by the way Kaz's eyes widened, he knows Kaz liked it, so that's enough for him). He made Inej some new scabbards and the way she held his gaze and thanked him for it sincerely touched him (this is why Inej gets the most gifts, comparable only to how many Nina gets). Wylan got a dartboard with Jan Van Eck's face on it that he loves (It was supposed to be a bit of a joke gift, but Wylan is now a master of darts and enjoys it quite a bit, so there's that). Jesper got a holster that Nina insisted on bedazzling and when they gave it to him, his whole body stilled and tears filled his eyes. He leapt at them which Matthias nearly took for an attack before he hugged them (Matthias still thinks of this as a different type of attack, but he supposes that it is tolerable) (Jesper now tries to hug him all the time).

The part he enjoys most is relaxing with Nina. When they're cuddling he feels the warmth seep through his skin all the way to his heart. When he asked Nina if she was doing something to his heart with her Heartrender powers, she laughed and laughed and laughed. That made his heart thud louder and louder, making him believe that she really was doing something to it. All the cuddling reminds him of the first time they did it, huddling together in Fierda to conserve warmth. He doesn't know how it happened, but somehow he has her now and it is everything.

(Comment what you think about this, it would mean the world to me! <3)

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#six of crows #soc #grishaverse #soc hc #crows headcanon #crows hc #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #kanej #kanej headcanon #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #wesper #wesper headcanon #nina zenik #matthias helvar #helnik headcanon #helnik #shadow and bone

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