#kaz gardens

[captain-habit]

There's a strange DOUBLE LILY growing in the garden.

Is it some kind of omen?? Maybe.

[masked-disciple]

The gang, as they say, is all here.

Left to right it goes Albafica (red hair), Southern Star (orange hair), Pale (green, yours truly), Lugonis (also red), Dohko (the dragon), Sailor Kazuma (kneeling), Nyazu (on Kaz's tail), Mask (loafing), and Edgeworth (curly brown-silver hair).

Now... shading.

[petratherrock]

Ronan and Kaz would be on the same 'Greg isn't dead, that's all just silly theories' team

Lockwood would look at you straight and say 'yh ofc he's dead, what else is all that for then'

Scarlett wouldn't even watch it. She saw how innocent Greg is from episode 1 and her instinct said nope

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Here for your daily dose of heartbreaking: some Grishaverse folks as sad song lyrics

Kanej: “The past is a presence, The future is pretend. And the present is a pastor, trying to make it all make sense. Will I ever leave this place? This world that I am trying to break? The mind is such a funny space, with all these spectres centre stage” - Three Spectres by J. Maya (aka the most Kanej coded song I have heard in my entire life, it’s absolutely beautiful)

Helnik: “Because brick by brick you built us, and I filled in the cracks, nothing quite prepared you for when they don’t come back. I wish I’d done things different, I wish that I’d been brave, I wish I’d known these stones were something I could save” - Ruin by The Amazing Devil

Inej: “When I decided to wage holy war, it looked very much like staring at my bedroom floor but oh god you’re going to get it, you’ll be sorry that you messed with me. And I know I may not look like much, just another screaming speck of dust, but oh god you’re going to get it, you’ll be sorry that you messed with us” - Girls Against God by Florence + the Machine

Zoya: “And I stare, at the soldiers before me. All my blossoms, waiting to fall. And I walk, and I walk, and I walk, and I walk - Knowing every last one of them is painted in light as I make myself aquatinted with the Saint of never getting it right” - Blossoms by The Amazing Devil (aka the most Zoya of the Garden song you have ever heard, tears-worthy)

Nina: “I saw a piece of heaven waiting for me, And I was running far away would I run off the world some day? Nobody knows, nobody knows, and I was dancing in the rain and I felt alive and I can’t complain - But, no take me home. Take me home where I belong, I can’t take it anymore” - Runaway, AURORA

Kaz: “‘Cause I’ve been here, so many times before, don’t you think I look pretty curled up on this bathroom floor? Where you see weakness, I see wit, sometimes I fall to piece just to see what bits of me don’t fit. And when I stand, oh those folks will run, and tell the tales of what I’ve become. And they’ll speak of me, oh I’m whispered tones, and say my name like it shakes their bones” - The Old Witch Sleep and the Good Man Grace by The Amazing Devil

[steponmeinejghafa]

First Bench Pt. 3

Summary: You and Zoya meet for tutoring, and another teacher throws you both together again.

First Part

Second Part

———————————————————————

Six p.m. You dreaded the hour as it crept closer. Naturally not wanting Zoya to one-up you, you had arrived ten minutes early. The only table which wasn’t occupied was in a dusty corner at the back of the library, and you’d taken out your heavily annotated textbook to read before she arrived.

Someone whacked you on the back of your head, and you instantly snapped back to elbow them in the ribs.

“Ow!” Zoya exclaimed with a scowl as she sat beside you. “You’re a little savage, aren’t you?”

You rolled your eyes, “Never do that again or I’ll personally make sure you can never walk again, Nazyalensky,”

“Whatever, Brekker,” she scoffed. “So, we’ll be covering math today thanks to your abysmal performance in the last few tests,”

“Don’t have to rub it in,” you grumbled.

She raised a brow and said cockily, “What, that I’m smarter than you?”

You clenched your fist underneath the table. She was getting on your nerves now.

“Did you come here to tutor me or to gloat?” You snarled, a frown scrunching your brows together.

You were adorable when you got riled up…

Zoya laughed cockily and shook her head, opening out her equally heavily annotated math book.

“Alright, Brekker, let me dumb it down for you…”

—Time Skip—

Kaz wasn’t getting any better, and the doctor was talking about another week of bed rest, since the fever your brother had gotten had made his leg worse.

“He says I have to use the cane more,” your brother confided that evening as you sat with him playing cards to keep him entertained.

You sighed softly and patted his hand lovingly. “It’s for your own good.”

“I know,” he scowled. “But come on. I’m in high school and I’m using a cane. Think of how I’ll be bullied.”

You shrugged, “I know a guy who can make it badass for you.”

His eyes lit up. “Really?”

You nodded and smiled. “Really.”

He gently punched your shoulder good-naturedly. “You’re a good sister, Y/n.”

“Okay, no need to bust out the compliments yet, little brother,” you scoffed with a laugh. “You’re not dying.”

“First of all, we’re twins and you’re like, twelve minutes older than me,” he rolled his eyes. “And way to ruin an emotional moment, dumbass.”

“I have the emotional capacity of a toothpick,” you admitted. “So expect nothing from me.”

As much as you hated to admit it, tutoring with Zoya was helping. You were slowly regaining your position at the top of the class, and, suspecting that Zoya might sabotage you in some way, you made sure to study extra after she’d leave the library for the evening so that you could get a head start.

Obviously you’d never tell her that it was helping. She’d never let you hear the end of it.

“Had fun struggling in the test?” She asked snidely, referring to the stack of test papers on the teacher’s desk.

“Had fun getting lesser marks than me?” You asked, picking up your own paper from the pile.

“Pardon me, but who’s the one getting tutored?” She smirked, holding up her history paper which bore the score 49/50 in bold red letters.

You laughed, mimicking her cocky tone as you showed your own paper, which had 50/50 written with red and a good remark from the teacher beside it. “Pardon me, but who’s the one getting a full score?”

“Fuck you, Brekker,” she grumbled, her ears burning with irritation as you went to sit with Jesper and Nina.

“In your dreams, Nazyalensky,” you cackled, fist-bumping your two best friends.

“You know, I’m sensing some sexual tension,” admitted Jesper, nodding at Zoya.

Nina chuckled and nodded in agreement. “Yeah. The flirting is a bit much, don’t you think?”

Your ears burned with a blush as you shook your head. “Absolutely not! She is a cocky, arrogant annoying, and irritatingly attractive girl.”

“Attractive, hm?” Nina raised a brow, resting her cheek on her fist as she looks at you with a knowing smirk on her face.

You flicked her forehead and clarified, “Irritatingly attractive. Like, have you seen her? All sharp jawline, full lips and dark eyes. No one so annoying should have such attractive features!”

Inej and Wylan came up to you thee as they overheard the conversation,

“Do you like her?” Wylan hinted with a smirk.

You grimaced and fake-gagged, shaking your head. “Ew, I would rather die!”

“Sometimes, I wish you would stop being so delusional,” Inej sighed. “It is painstakingly obvious.”

You grumbled and buried your blushing face in your hands. “I hate you all.”

Meanwhile, Zoya was chatting with her own friends, Alina and Genya.

“Who does she think she is?” She glared at you as you talked to your own friends.

Alina shrugged, “Personally, I think you’ve got a thing for her.”

“Agreed,” Genya giggled, sitting on the edge of the desk. “Like, all you ever talk about is ‘Oh, Brekker is this, Brekker is that,’ or ‘You won’t not believe what Brekker did!’

Zoya let out an incredulous snort. “Me! Like her? Brekker? Absolutely not. I would rather fail all subjects and die!”

“Why is that?” Alina smirked, having spotted the lie.

“Well, she’s annoying, ridiculously cocky, and infuriatingly cute!” Zoya scoffed. “Like, no one should have the right to have such a smile when they’re the literal embodiment of irritation!”

“I’m sensing sexual tension…” Genya said in a sing-song voice.

Zoya shoved the redhead gently off her desk and mumbled, “You’re both idiots.”

The teacher came in and called for decorum, so the class settled down at last.

“Alright,” she said with a sigh. “Exams are nearly over, so I should brief you on your latest project. This one is worth 20% of your annual grade, so make sure your report is well done. I will be assigning pairs.”

A collective groan went through the class, and Jesper whispered to Nina, “Thirty vlachki says Y/n’s gonna be with Zoya.”

“I say she’s with Alina,” Nina replied.

“You’re both idiots,” you scoffed.

“Alright, you will all have to make a comprehensive report on any one nation in particular, mapping out every last aspect of its history. Simple enough?” The teacher asked, and the class mumbled in agreement. “Good because either ways I do not give a single damn. This is due in the next one week.

“Now for the pairs, Nazyalensky and—er—girl Brekker,” Jesper nudged Nina with a grin as she said it. “Starkov and Oretsev, Zenik and Helvar, Fahey and Van Eck, Ghafa and—well—boy Brekker?”

“I suggest you go with first names, Miss,” you chuckled, making the class hum with agreement.

“Fine,” she agreed, starting over. “Zoya and Y/n, Alina and Malyen, Nina and Matthias, Jesper and Wylan, Inej and Kaz…”

“I have a feeling she ships everyone with each other,” Nina chuckled.

You sighed in irritation. Zoya Nazyalensky of all people was your partner. It was like the Saints were condemning you.

First you have to be tutored by her and now you have to work with her?

After class, Zoya caught you near the lockers and said, “So, we have to work together now.”

You grimaced, “Yes.”

She chuckled softly and poked you with her pencil. “I guess I’ll have to make sure it’s good work, since I’m better.”

“Says the one who got a 49.” You scoffed, catching her wrist sharply when she made a move to poke you again.

She wrestled her hand from your grip and caught your chin in her hand, pulling you close.

“Gloat about that again, I dare you,” she hissed in a tone so menacing, you actually figured the consequences would be bad.

You giggled, however. “Getting riled up because you know I’m better than you, Nazyalensky?”

Her grip loosened around your chin as she caught your collar in her fists, her dark eyes glaring fiercely into your e/c ones.

Saints, she had pretty eyes…

“Shut up, Brekker, or so help me, I will make you fail,” she seethed.

“And risk getting in the bad books of Reznik?” you laughed evilly. “We both know you could never.”

She let go of you and scowled. “Tonight, six p.m. Keep your material ready and do not be late.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure my work isn’t as mediocre as yours,” you shot back with a sweet smile.

She rolled her eyes. “Fuck you, Brekker.”

“In your dreams, Nazyalensky,” you chuckled and turned away, walking towards your friends who had somehow miraculously appeared there.

Jesper clapped you on the back and sing-songed, “Sexual tension…”

You gently elbowed him in the rubs and mumbled, “Shut up and go moon over Wylan, you dumbass.”

—Time Skip—

“Decided a country?” Zoya asked as she arrived at the library that evening.

You showed her your binder of resources as you said plainly, “We will do our project on Kerch.”

“Why Kerch, when Ravka has such a rich history?” She asked with a raised brow.

You grumbled and said, “Because Kerch is where we get everything from. We get our oil, our resources, our ships, our manual labour from there. Everything essential to run a country, Kerch provides.”

“I have to admit, Brekker,” she curled her bottom lip in approval, “I’m impressed.”

“As if your opinion means anything to me,” you kicked her under the table. However, some part inside you warmed up at her words.

Maybe it means something a little bit…

While you both discussed the topic, adding each other’s views and opinions while drafting, Zoya had to notice little things when you both would take long silences as a break.

She noticed the way you tugged at a stray lock of your hair, or how you began turning your wrists after a long round of writing.

Her favourite thing was when you’d spin your pen deftly between your fingers.

It had her mind going places it shouldn’t…

‘Stop it, Zoya,’ she thought to herself sternly. ‘You have to beat her, not stare at her fingers!’

Meanwhile, you noticed how she always furrowed her brows in concentration while she explained a topic to add in, or how she bit her lip if she was writing something down.

But, your personal favourite was when she’d make eye contact when you’d explain something, her head tilted slightly as she listened intently.

Insufferable as she was, she knew how to listen.

You leaned back in your chair and sighed loudly, rubbing your eyes tiredly. The clock had chimed ten p.m. it had been four hours of work, and both of you looked worse for wear. The table was piled with books, and you both had to scoot closer in order to work on the massive stack of pages which had the first draft of your report. Thirty two pages in four hours.

You wanted to collapse and fall asleep, but only after making fun of your partner.

However, you had to admit that Zoya with her wavy hair tied up in a messy knot atop her head, with a slightly sluggish smile of satisfaction on her face was…maybe a little bit cute.

“Take a break,” you said. “I need my opponent to be forever ready for battle, Nazyalensky,”

“You are insufferable, Brekker,” she rolled her eyes as she closed her eyes tiredly.

You chuckled and decided to draft a conclusion to the pair of yours’ messy notes.

Suddenly, you felt a bit of weight against your shoulder. You froze instantly, unsure of what to do.

It was Zoya, sleeping soundly, snoring a little with her arms crossed and her head against your shoulder.

The enmity against her within you made your skin bristle, and the urge to push her off you rise on your fingertips.

But something else, something a little stronger, pushed the feeling away and replaced it with the need to keep her peacefully asleep while you finished the work up for her.

You’d bully her about that later, obviously.

Zoya started awake twenty minutes later and immediately moved away from you, her cheeks burning red.

Did she really just fall asleep against your shoulder?

“Did I fall asleep?” She said, fixing her hair hastily, trying to regain composure.

You chuckled, “Looks like Sleeping Beauty’s finally awake.”

She kicked you under the table and replied sneakily, “Working with you is more tiring than working on a farm during harvest season.”

“Oh yes, because I’m such a slow worker that I made a draft conclusion for the report in twenty minutes?” You raised a brow, holding the paper out to her.

She snatched it from you with a side eye and pulled the pencil out from her hair, making her chocolate brown locks fall down her back in slightly tangled but otherwise captivating waves.

She checked over the page, making a few changes here and there before she placed the page down with the others, sighing deeply.

“Well,” she said, as if the words were a massive effort. “It’s not bad.”

“It’s our first draft, idiot,” you scoffed. “We have to work on it more, so don’t get too excited. I’m still waiting for a better response to my hard work.”

“You did a page in twenty minutes, that’s hardly anything,” she rolled her eyes.

You leaned closer and cupped a hand behind your ear, saying in a tone as though you were prompting her, “Oh, thank you so, so much, especially for letting me nap like the little baby I am while you did the work…”

“Thanks, Brekker,” she sighed. “You are insufferable.”

“I’m not usually insufferable, but you get so easily riled up it is hard not to be,” you giggled, packing up.

You both reached the steps outside the library. “Want me to walk you home so you don’t get lost, little baby Nazyalensky?” You jeered at her, leaning against the railing.

She rolled her eyes and placed her hand against where you were leaning, pinning you, somehow, against the railing, saying, “Don’t get too confident, Brekker. Take me on a date first.”

Butterflies erupted in your stomach, as your slightly shyer side threatened to come out.

What was it with her and pinning you against things this way? Did she know how it made you feel?

You made a face, praying the dim light masked your blush. “As if I would ever! No amount of money in the world could make me do that!”

You consciously avoided her gaze, afraid of the feeling in your stomach. It was a knot of heat which pulsed when she tried making eye contact with you.

Oh, but how enticing that offer was…

“It’s Saturday tomorrow,” she said, grasping your chin between her thumb and forefinger to keep you from looking away. Her dark eyes locked on yours magnetically, as you felt that foreign heat travel steadily lower. “So I expect you to be here at four p.m, got it?”

Saints, she looked good up close, too.

You laughed nervously, and moved such that you got slightly closer to her. Your gaze skirted to her lips unintentionally, and your body was practically immobilised in a gay panic.

But, when her breath hitched and her dominant demeanour faltered, you laughed and moved away, bowing mockingly.

“And that’s how you flirt, Nazyalensky,” you smirked, thankful to your ability to get easily flustered for once. “Getting a little too obsessed with me, I see.”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “That’s called wishful thinking, Brekker. As as if I would ever be.”

You hummed. “Well, you’re too annoying to be my type. So, wishful thinking on your part, really.”

“I’m too annoying? Brekker, you make a bratty toddler look like an angel,” she laughed humourlessly.

“Whatever, good night, little baby Nazyalensky,” you sniggered, gently punching her shoulder.

She rolled her eyes. “Fuck you, Brekker.”

Obviously, you gave her your standard reply.

“In your dreams, Nazyalensky!”

Zoya, as she walked away, mumbled to herself, “For now, dreams will have to suffice…”

———

WOW SO MANY UPDATES-

I hope you enjoyed this one <3 feel free to ask or request!

[sophierequests]

the garden // sophie's 500 followers celebration

500 followers?? are y'all insane?? i literally don't know what else to say to that. thank you all so much for following me and reading what i write! i love reading your reblogs, comment and interacting with you, it genuinely means so much to me <3

i have another event in the works, but i'll put in on hold for this lovely little celebration!

rules: literally anyone can participate, it doesn't matter whether you are one of my long-time moots, a follower or whether you just found my fics in the tags and enjoy reading them! feel free to spam me with as many requests as you'd like, i promise you i don't care, but please make sure that every request is sent via a different message. please don't send me two or more requests in the same ask! also, drabbles will take me a little bit of time, so maybe consider sending in some of the other asks too <3

this celebration starts on the 6th of march and ends on the 14th of march!

🦊 nothing at all - send me your favourite song and a grishaverse character of your choice and i'll write a short drabble about it (can be x reader but it doesn't have to be)!

🍃 pretty little things - ask games! i have never done them before but i want to try it so bad (e.g. cym, fuck, marry, kill, whatever you can come up with really) → these asks aren't only limited for the grishaverse, but every fandom i'm in!

🦔 can't go back - send me a character and a scenario or your headcanons about that character and i'll make a moodboard out of it!

🌿 i talk in my sleep - send me your ideal idea of a first date and some facts about yourself (name/nickname, favourite pastry, favourite song, random fun facts etc.) and i'll ship you with a character and write a short drabble about them → please specify your sexuality, pronouns and whether the ship is supposed to be romantic or platonic!

🦌 down the river - send me your favourite aesthetic (e.g. cottagecore, dark academia etc.) and i'll assign you a song out of my favourite song playlist!

🌷 not the ghost - send me a link to one of your fics and let me gush over it and point out my favourite lines (fandom doesn't matter, neither does the word count)!

🦋 turn out the lights - send me a number and i'll post a little snippet from one of my wips

my lovely moots:

@brekkers-desigirl @writingmysanity @b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r @ell0ra-br3kk3r @juneberrie @velvetarcane @maximoffgxrl @factionlessrebel @dellabearry @yesshewrites1 @freddycarterswife @maliciousbrekker @futurecorps3 @rowritesstuff @hufflesight @spaceagebachelormann @zaypay @jahayla-parker @pregnant-piggy @nyxxxxxxxx @vamp-rom-stuff @grimbanes @the-lonewriter

[taciturnpoet]

hi hello i’m back with a new layout, a dnd obsession, and pictures i took from the art institute last week lol

i was gonna come back earlier but then my tumblr broke??? idk it was weird but oh well i’m fighting off writer’s block again like the plague with my impending semester, but i am feeling better and have a job interview soon, so small victories :)

(also tagging @73647e since you wanted to see some of the photos i took, though i have many more lol)

[thatfangirlofsb]

Fake dialogues

Voiceover: What is karma?

Kaz and Zoya: Me!

Kaz: Have you ever focused your entire life on getting back at someone, forgetting yourself along the way?

Zoya: Have you ever switched sides really quickly just to get back at that person?

Kaz: Have you ever...?

*continue fighting*

Nikolai: Don't you think we should stop them?

Inej: I don't know... better wait to see if they get bored.

[scriptedencryptid]

Poetry man, it does stuff to you

When I said Kaz was like wirt this is what I meant, I didn’t think I explained myself well enough before. These scenes carry similar vibes to me.

[pengow]

13-16

[captain-habit]

My sole surviving lopsided son...

Featuring A Molly in the background.

It started growing too late to be ripe in time, but here it is, NONETHELESS!!

[inkymaws]

[rietveild]

❝ we have a party to go to. ❞ ➝ @wraythic

in the days he'd spent near inej, he'd grown to wonder when the act ended and reality began. there were so many eyes, always watching, waiting to see if the boy with the cane and the girl who moved without sound would slip up and reveal to the world that they didn't belong in the rolling hills of the wealthy.

so, kaz had stolen time. conversations through a closed bathroom door as both got ready. both of them sitting in silence, him studying her silhouette. watching her fingers weave braids through her hair as she sat perched atop the bed and he sat, worlds away, at a desk on the other side of the room, relishing in the distance they hadn't been afforded for the past week. they were all flashes, memories of the routine they'd shared before the job.

but now isn't the time for memories, nor does it do him any good to linger on the memories of stolen flashes. ❝ we do. ❞ he puts an arm through his jacket and looks over to her. she's on her toes and leaning forward, her lips parting as she applies mascara. he wishes desperately they didn't have to leave the house.

what if we just stayed here? he wishes he could say it.

ask her. why would she refuse you? ask her.

❝ inej ... ❞ no. he would not throw away all of the progress they had made on this job for something so pointless. he didn't feel anything, he was just ... confused. and tired. yes, that was it. kaz clears his throat and his hopes die with it, ❝ have you looked at the itinerary of events, yet ? these idiots throw their money at such useless pastimes. michelle hired a party planner. ❞

[lesbiansanemi]

I LOVE BEING CRINGEYYYYYYYY

[steponmeinejghafa]

First Bench Pt.5 (TW)

Summary: With exams coming up, you withdraw from everyone, including your family, and it takes a toll on you. Zoya tries comforting you to the best of her capabilities, but after you keep pushing her away, she gets fed up and confronts you.

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: Breakdown, stress, crying, self-deprecating thoughts, mentions of an attempt at self harm.

First Part

Second Part

Third Part

Fourth Part

———————————————————————

Exam season. You dreaded it. Were you smart? Of course you were. Were you human? Unfortunately, yes. Naturally the stress of having to get good marks was pressurising you, and honestly, with the whole issue with Zoya, it was getting worse.

It had been two weeks since the party now. Since then, you had been cold and curt with Zoya, ignoring her unless she made one of her usual comments, or just to gloat about your marks at her.

“Hey,” Nina said softly that morning as she entered class. You had a huge headache and you were stupid enough to make the decision to ignore it and came to school. “How’re you feeling?”

“My head is killing me,” you groaned. “I feel like I have a hangover.”

“Morning, Brekker,” Zoya said, smacking your head gently with her book as usual. “Had too much to drink last night? You look awful.”

“I know I still look better than you, Nazyalensky,” you snapped. “Keep to yourself if you know what’s good for you.”

Zoya rolled her eyes, hurt pinging in her heart. Two weeks. It had been two weeks since you both had last spoken decently to each other. She kept trying to make it like before, but she couldn’t. All you did was snap at her rudely and then ignore her.

“Still crushing your heart?” Nina raised a brow. “And clearly crushing hers in the process?”

You scoffed, “She has no heart. Let it go.”

“Alright,” shrugged the girl. She handed you some headache pills and said, “Have these when you feel the headache coming in stronger, okay?”

You nodded, distracted. You were already calculating what all you were supposed to do that day after your tutoring session with Zoya. Cover the last history chapter, do a bit of math, redraw your maps for practice and so much more.

“Everyone,” the teacher called for your attention, “I hope you have been working hard on your project work, because it’s due in two days, so just a heads-up.”

“Is your mediocre work ready, Nazyalensky?” You asked, looking at her. “I need to add it to my far better work and edit it more, obviously.”

“Oh please,” Zoya scoffed. “Calling my work mediocre would make your work trash, Brekker.”

You shrugged, “My grades display otherwise.”

“Saints, something went seriously wrong between them,” Nikolai mumbled to Mal, who was sitting on the seat beside him. “I miss the playful banter.”

“Me too,” admitted the other boy. “I wish they’d just admit their feelings to each other, honestly.”

“Never gonna happen,” Alina turned around and said to them. “They’re both stubborn donkeys.”

—Time Skip—

“Y/n, come on, it’s time for dinner,” Nina said that evening as you sat at your tiny desk, studying hard. You had only just come home from your tutoring session with Zoya, tension-filled as usual.

“I’ll eat later,” you dismissed her with a wave of your hand.

She sighed. You had been doing this for days now. They all would eat together, while you slaved away at your desk without a break. At times one of them would go to the living room at two a.m to see you with a lamp on the dining table, your books strewn about there while you memorised something quietly. You hadn’t spent more than twenty minutes that week with them, and it was beginning to worry them all.

You got up and moved your things out of the room when Nina and Inej went to bed after having studied for a little while, and sat down at the dining table with a cup of coffee Mrs Romanov handed to you.

You were stressed. Far too stressed. In the night time you were holed up at your desk, in the day you were tired and irritable, your body taut with effort and exertion.

Sometimes when you couldn’t remember something, you would nearly break down into tears. You had to make sure you got top marks. Your reputation was at stake. You thought that if you didn’t, the others would think you were a failure and that your scholarship was a waste.

Zoya noticed everything. She noticed how you didn’t come to lunch in the cafeteria, how you were always taking a nap in you spare time between lessons, how your beautiful eyes now had bags under them, and how you were getting progressively more irritable in your tutoring sessions.

One day, everyone had a free period because the teachers were all called to the principal’s office for an urgent staff meeting. While everyone milled about and chatted with their friends, played small games with each other, and just had fun, you were quietly reading your textbook, politely turning down any invitations given to you to join them all.

You were covering geography, and there was a part you were quizzing yourself with. Suddenly, your mind went blank and you couldn’t remember a single thing of what you had memorised.

Impossible. You had memorised nearly the whole book!

You started mumbling the start of the answer again and again, but the rest was just not coming to you. Panic seized your whole body. The exams were in five days, you could not blank out now!

You slipped out of the classroom, hopefully unnoticed and went to the bathroom to try to compose yourself. However, you weren’t as discreet as you thought you had been, because just as you left the classroom, Zoya noticed and followed soundlessly behind.

You reached the bathroom and splashed water on your face, but the voices which were already whispering in your head were louder now.

It was such an easy chapter, you don’t deserve to get the marks you have.

So pathetic, you will never be as good as Zoya or Inej, or anyone for that matter.

So far it’s been easy. You’re too dumb to do this.

You should’ve stayed in Kerch and let Pekka gut you clean like a fish.

You’re such a failure. Always have been.

“I can’t do this,” you whispered, your hand going into your pocket as the other gripped the basin tightly, while your breathing picked up. You felt for the small pocket knife you always carried, and finally extracted it from the fabric of your jacket.

“God, I’m a failure,” you sobbed softly, your legs feeling weak. You backed up against a wall and slid to the floor, your knees up against your chest as you dissolved into a panic attack slowly and painfully.

“Brekker, what in the name of the Saints are you-“ Zoya froze upon seeing your sobbing figure, and felt her heart stop in her chest as her eyes landed on the open pocketknife in your hand as well as your rolled up sleeve.

“Hey,” she said in a far gentler tone, trying to catch your attention as your chest heaved and your pale hands quaked. “Brekker, come on, look at me.”

“Z-Zoya?” Your eyes finally focused on her. “I can’t breathe, Saints I can’t breathe…”

“I know, I know,” she grabbed your hands in hers and gently rubbed her thumbs over the backs of them hesitantly. “Try breathing with me, come on.”

You nodded, the voices a little less loud in your ears now. She guided you through your panic attack, her voice slowly overpowering the ones in your head till they were once more just whispers.

Zoya’s heart was pounding in her chest. Sure, you were having a panic attack, but you said her name. You called her by her name for the first time. Not Nazyalensky. You called her Zoya.

“Feeling better?” She asked, her hands still in yours as she knelt in front of you. You didn’t reply and she frowned in concern, “Y-Y/n?”

You snapped out of your thoughts immediately, your heart fluttering again. No, you can’t. You crushed the feeling again, just how you had been doing these last few weeks.

“Did-did you just call me Y/n?” You whispered nonetheless, shocked.

“Um,” she panicked and shook her head, “I figured I’d grace you with that gift now that you addressed me by my first name.”

“We’re on a first name basis now?” You sniffled with a raised brow. Your walls went up around your heart again. You would not fall for her. You refused to.

“Seems like it?” She smiled, hoping things were back to normal.

“You wish, Nazyalensky,” you spat, standing up. “Leave me alone, thanks. And don’t breathe a word about this to anyone.”

She scowled, “You’re such an ungrateful asshole, Brekker. I helped you with that panic attack, and you have the gall to talk to me like I’ve violated you or something!”

“I didn’t need your help!” You exclaimed, fear gripping your heart in a chokehold.

I can’t let this happen. No, no, no.

“Really?” She scoffed. “You didn’t need my help? You were about to fucking cut yourself, and you’re telling me you didn’t need help?”

“Not from you,” you seethed.

“Fuck you, Brekker,” she scowled and opened the door to the bathroom.

“Get out of my face, Nazyalensky,” you replied.

That hurt. That one hurt her so badly, Zoya wanted to cry. She genuinely wanted to make sure you were okay, but all you did was push her away. All you did was act nasty towards her, and it was pissing her off.

“Watch me, Brekker,” she mumbled to herself. “I will find out what the hell is going on in that dumbass head of yours.”

She called Nina to her desk as she reached class and said softly, “Nina, could you please make sure Brekker’s okay? She’s been acting up lately.”

Nina sighed, “She’s not an easy person when she gets stressed. She’s been acting up with us as well. I think it’s the exams.”

“Maybe. Just…just take care of her, okay? I’m worried,” Zoya admitted. Seeing Nina’s knowing gaze she hastily added, “Because I need my opponent to be healthy for competition, obviously.”

“Whatever, Zoya,” laughed the girl as she walked away.

—Time Skip—

You sat silently with Zoya that evening in the library. It was completely deserted today, everyone went home early to study, clearly.

“Brekker,” she said, hitting you over the head with her pencil as you nearly dozed off again. “Focus.”

“I am focusing, Nazyalensky,” you snapped. “Saints, maybe if you didn’t drone on like a boring priest, I’m sure I could focus properly.”

“Well maybe if you stopped stressing out so much, maybe you might find my boring, priestlike droning useful,” she replied, her brow raised.

Honestly, you were really so trying sometimes. Her patience was wearing thin.

“Saints, why did Reznik have to shove us together?” You grumbled under your breath, but she heard it in the silence of the library.

She’d had enough now.

“Alright, that’s it,” she threw down her pencil onto her book and glared at you. “It has been two weeks since the…incident, and all you have been towards me is vile, hateful, and angry. What the hell is going on with you? I have tried to be nice, hell I tried to help you through your panic attack, but what the fuck did I do to earn this much hate?”

You shook your head and stood up with a stack of reference books in hand to put them back. “Don’t read into it, Nazyalensky.”

She stood up and followed you, saying, “You have been distant from me, from your friends, everyone! Why?”

You continued putting books in their places, moving around to find the empty spot where the right ones were. “None of your business,” you said curtly.

She breathed in deeply, tamping her frustration down. “Brekker, as much as I hate to say it, I’m worried about you. That panic attack in the bathroom today was no little thing.”

You felt your hand clench into a fist and tried not to cry. “Please don’t mention my episodes of anxiety. Besides, it wasn’t that bad. I could’ve managed.”

Zoya resisted the urge to slap you silly. “Wasn’t that bad? Brekker, I walked in to see you almost put a knife to your arm. That, in case you didn’t know, is called self-harm. People get professional help for that sort of thing,” she put a hand on your wrist, making you unclench your fist. Her voice was soft, concerned as she continued, “Please, Brekker, talk to someone, if not me. I get why you won’t talk to me. But for Saint’s sake, get some help.”

You hated it when people talked to you that way. With that false concern in their voices. Saying ‘talk to someone’. You were fine. At least, you thought you were. Wasn’t stress normal?

“No,” you said forcefully, shaking her hand off your wrist. “Keep your false concern to yourself, Nazyalensky.”

Saints, you craved her skin on yours again, but you couldn’t. You shouldn’t.

Zoya caught your arm and pulled you to face her, risking a punch to the face. You looked angry. Genuinely angry at her. But she didn’t care.

“Who hurt you?” She asked, her dark eyes gleaming with something you didn’t know. “Who the hell hurt you so badly, that you decided to hurt yourself? That you ended up hurting others around you? Those who love you? Nina, Inej, Kaz, the whole lot of them are worried sick, Brekker! I have been worried sick!”

Your angry expression melted away, and your blazing eyes filled with tears which you tried to keep at bay. Your breath rattled in your chest as you turned away from her, saying softly, “It doesn’t matter.”

Exasperated, Zoya exploded at you, “It does matter, Y/n! You matter! People care about you so much, and—“ she tried making sure her voice didn’t crack with desperation, but failed. “I care about you!”

“Y-you-you called me ‘Y/n’ again,” you whispered, tears sill brimming in your eyes, threatening to spill. The same shock which held your heart in a fist in the bathroom earlier came back.

Your name sounded beautiful coming from her lips…

“Saints damn it all,” Zoya whispered under her breath. She looked back at you and hesitantly took the books from your hand and placed them on a pile nearby.

She held your hands in hers slightly, just curling her palms around your fingers, as she said, “I care about you so much, Y/n. I-I love you, and-and seeing you so hurt makes my heart ache terribly for some reason. I-I just want you to be okay. Since the day you walked into that damned classroom, I have been madly in love with you, and I don’t know what to do because you clearly hate me.”

Your voice was barely a whisper as you looked down, heart racing as the tears welled up more in your eyes, blurring your vision. “I don’t hate you…”

“Then why have you been acting like it?” She sounded hurt, and it made your heart break.

Down came the walls, crumbling to rubble as you let the tears fall. You shook your head, saying, “I got scared, Zoya. I got so fucking scared. I was scared you were going to use me to get ahead, I was scared that if we even did happen, I’d lose you too quickly,” the tears weren’t stopping, and your hands grew shaky as the emotions overwhelmed you. “I was scared that-that I love you so much, I would scale a mountain, cross an ocean, and kill a thousand men just to hold your hand and kiss your lips.”

She dropped your hands and held your face in her hands, wiping your tears away with her thumbs.

Saints, those dark, dark eyes…you loved her eyes so much. Her touch was so gentle, you wanted more.

“I would never use you, Y/n,” she said, pulling you closer to her, holding your head in her palms so carefully that you felt it was a dream. “I would cut my hands off before before I’d even think of using you to get ahead. Honestly, you matter more than just some number on a sheet. And I mean that both in my context and in yours. You always matter more.”

She was so close, just a little further and you could kiss her.

“I’m sorry,” you said. “I’m so, so sorry, Zoya, for pushing you away. I was foolish to think that by withdrawing from you, my feelings would go away. It only made them stronger.”

Zoya felt a nervous knot in her stomach as she spoke the next words. “Y/n Brekker, top scorer of the Little Palace High School, may I have the privilege of being yours?”

Your heart leapt and raced so fast in your chest, yo we’re positive it was echoing in the library like a drumbeat. “Zoya Nazyalensky, second best scorer of the Little Palace High School, yes you may.”

“Really?” She smiled, her face glowing with happiness.

Your gaze skirted down to her lips and back to her eyes. “Saints, you have the most gorgeous eyes,” you admitted with a blush.

She laughed softly, a sound which filled you up with warmth so much that you wanted to just put it in a jar and keep it with you forever. “Do I, now?”

Your shy side came through, as you nodded, blushing redder. “Yeah.”

“Honestly, for someone so intimidating, you are so cute,” she chuckled.

“Saints, Zoya,” you said, flustered.

Zoya loved how you said her name. She loved how you said it so gently, as if it were a porcelain doll which could break at even the slightest bit of force.

She moved back and picked up the pile of books on the floor, putting them away as your brain processed what all just transpired.

Your feet moved without you controlling them, and Zoya turned around to see you standing behind her. “Saints, Brekker,” she chuckled. “You move like a cat. Soundless and-mph!” Her statement was muffled as you caught her by the waist and pressed your lips to hers, desire having taken over you.

Your mind went back to two weeks ago, in Nikolai’s library, where the kisses had been heated, lustful, and slightly sloppy. This time her lips were soft on yours, like a feather’s touch on your skin. Her hands cupped your face and she kissed back with a gentle force, smiling a little against your lips.

Your heart raced and your mind went blank again, and your thoughts only echoed one word.

Zoya, Zoya, Zoya.

When she pulled away panic seized you as you blushed and apologised profusely.

“I am so sorry, I should’ve asked first, I really don’t know what I’m doi-“ she caught you by the face again and pulled you in, kissing you softly to shut you up. Slowly, she backed you up against the bookshelf, your arms around her waist again, pulling her impossibly closer. Her body was flush against yours, and the only sound was that of the steady ticking of the library clock.

She pulled away, and your chests heaved with the desire for air.

“You’re not bad at kissing, I admit,” you giggled, your cheeks red.

Zoya’s cheeks were daintily dusted with pink, and she moved back to go towards the table.

“Come on now,” she said with a small smile, “Back to work.”

—Time Skip—

You came back home beaming, looking so happy that Kaz and the others paused eating to stare at you.

“You look stupidly happy,” said your brother. “Who’s got you grinning like an idiot?”

Jesper nudged him, “Zoya, obviously,”

You blushed and giggled at the sound of her name, making Nina slam her palms on the table, grinning madly, “You kissed her, didn’t you?!”

You giggled again and went to the kitchen, grabbing a plate for yourself, “Maybe….” You replied in a dreamy tone.

They all gasped collectively, and Nina and Jesper both squealed in excitement. “YOU KISSED HER!!”

You sat next to Inej, still blushing profusely as the thought of her lips on yours returned to you. “I’m sorry if I pushed you guys away…”

“No matter about that,” said Matthias, “We all know your academics matter a lot to you.”

“Exactly! You do this every time you get stressed, it’s not new,” said Wylan.

“I’m proud of you, Y/n,” said Kaz with a small smile.

“We need the gory details,” giggled Inej, resting her head atop yours.

You grinned and nodded, “Anything for my sisters.”

In the room, Inej and Nina sat on your bed while you narrated the entire incident in detail, squealing constantly till Mrs Romanov scolded you all to go to sleep.

—Time Skip—

The next day dawned appropriately bright, and you entered class with a spring in your step which everyone noticed.

“Y/n Brekker is back, everyone!” Announced Nikolai with an impish grin. “Good to see you smiling again, love.”

They were all around his desk, Alina sitting in Mal’s lap while the rest sat atop other desks in a loose circle.

“Never call me that again, Niko,” you grinned, ruffling his hair as you pulled up a chair to sit in, after putting your bag on your desk. “But yes, I’m back.”

You were laughing at something when you felt someone kiss the top of your head and whisper, “Good morning, darling,” in your ear.

Everyone went silent as Zoya sat in your lap, making herself comfortable.

“What?” She asked, brow raised at everyone.

“You and her…” Genya grinned. “Did you guys-“

“Yeah,” you nodded with a smile, wrapping your arms protectively around her waist.

“I NEED A BOOK ON THIS,” Nikolai loudly said, making everyone laugh as they congratulated you.

“It’s about time,” Alina chuckled. “We were getting tired of the constant banter.”

You chuckled and rested your head against Zoya’s back, smiling softly as she leaned into your touch

She was competition, yes.

But you loved her for it.

———————————————————————

Correction: this wasn’t the end. SiKe <3

Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it <3 special shout-out to @hungergames-who for being my biggest supporter in this <3 Please feel free to ask for imagines <3

[yuribalisms]

About to make a bad decision