#justin: how often do you treat yourself to something like this? just get both

[blujayonthewing]

eeeeheheheheee

[lilacdorkie]

unnoticed | newt x reader

title:unnoticed

pairing: newt x reader

words:

type: fluff/kinda angst

warnings: mentions of blood, suicide, guns

prompt: everyone around you notice your affection and feelings towards newt, exept said boy.

songs recommendetions: miss americana & heartbreak prince by taylor swift, i wanna be yours by arctic monkeys, if i could fly by one direction, fine line by harry styles, i love you by billie eillish, mirrors by justin timberlake, sweater weather by james harris

a/n my first newt imagine, i tried my hardest! sleep well, have a good day and drink water!

***

NEWT didn’t notice. He never noticed the glances you’d give him, longing stares or how sparkles formed in your eyes, whenever you saw him. But Frypan did. He always watched your person in front of blonde boy, thinking how he could be so blind, when it was so obvious.

“He’s such a slinthead” said Fry one day at the bonfire. You furrowed your eyebrows looking at your friend. “ I mean, you give him those eyes and he still reminds blind”. You didn’t say anything. Just glanced at Newt, again.

HE didn’t notice. He never saw how you managed to fix your hair or shirt, when someone said he’s coming towards your way. But Winston did. And never lost a chance to laugh at you or tease, because he knew what was going on.

“You literally look the same everyday. He’s seen you like this million times. It’s like your hands have magic inside of them, that will make you look like a princess, suddenly.” said Winston as Newt went back to work.

“Slim it, Win” you said embarrased knowing, that it was riddiculous. But you couldn’t help it. Newt had that effect on you.

CHUCK got used to your talk, eventually. After two years, he got used to be greeted in the morning with little morning and question if he saw Newt. When it was dinner, he got used to your drooling over second-in-command. Or when you were pranking Gladers, he knew you will immadietly say to not doing anything to Newt. And, of course, he knew at the bed time, you would say how much you liked him.

“I’m telling you (Y/N), one day you will get married and have seven children” said chubby boy resting next to you.” Why so much? Having to take care of sixty boys it’s enough” you said and both of you laughed. He really did wish you a good life with blonde boy.

BOY found himself watching you, closely. He saw your panicked eyes, your shaking hands. Your faster breathe and how you were practically running from one place to another. Alby didn’t want you to see Newt, like that. He also knew the said boy didn’t want either.

“You’ll be okay Newt, everything will be alright. We will fix you. I will fix you. I promise, just don’t leave me, please. I can’t...I can’t loose you. Not you.” you keep saying as you and Minho tried to bear boy’s wounds. His leg was broken in three places and blood streamed down his face.

“It was an accident. Please, don’t worry” Alby said after you treated Newt. You shaked your head, tears kept coming down from your eyes.

“I perfectly know, Alby. I know, what would get him to be injured like that. It’s not nothing. We have to take care of him. Be there for him. I swear on my life, he will survive and he will live happy life” you said with determination. Alby knew since then, that you would give up your own life for blonde boy. You almost did.

BROWN-HAIRED BOY thought it must feel amazing. To love someone this much. To feel pure happiness and love to one person. Thomas was fascinated by your feelings. He always caught himself thinking, how is it, that his best friend doesn’t feel this energy coming from you.

“How does it feel like?” he asked one night, when it was your guys turn to watch the surrodings at the Scorch. You looked at him confused. “To feel so strong emotions and yet, never saying anything” he added. You were silent for a moment. You didn’t know either.”There wasn’t really time to acknowledge it. That’s all.”

YOU were terrified. First you were running from Grievers, then WICKED and now, the Cranks. You asked yourself, when will it stop? But whatever happened, you always were able to hold Newt’s hand. Or his arm. Or part of his shirt. Even when there was some peace, you still had the urge to touch him, somehow. You needed to feel him. To know, he is right beside you. He is safe. 

MINHO noticed it. Every time. At first, he thought it’s odd. But then, he realized how you felt. Wondered, what was on his best friend mind. 

“ It’s kinda cute, you know” he said, while you all were sitting at the Cliff watching Aris and the girls. ”You hold hands so often, I’d think you are dating”. Newt laughed it off and let go of your hand, just to elbow you with a smirk.

“We got these shunks to think we’re a think, (Y/N). The best irony in my life” blonde boy said shaking his head. You didn’t say anything, just smiled at all of them. They looked at you sympatrically. What could you say? 

THE GIRL was smirking, whenever she looked at you two. You were blindly in love with the boy, standing next to you. There wasn’t a moment where you weren’t next to him. Either it was your group discussing rescue plan for Minho or working or eating, your place was next to him.

“Sometimes, I think it’s creepy.” said your best friend sitting along with you at the sand. “What is?” you asked with a smile. She smirked.”How you always are by Newt’s side. It’s probably nothing weird to both of you, but from ours perspective, it really looks amusing, even” she answered, looking straight at you. Blood rushed to your cheeks as you laughed.

“Yeah well, I can’t help it. It’s something that feels right, you know? Like, it should be like that.” you said. Your gaze went to find blonde boy talking with Thomas. Brenda followed you, couldn’t help but smile. She really, really prayed you would confess your feelings finally. From what you and others have been saying, among Minho, Thomas and Fry, you’ve been in love with Newt what it seems, for three years. It pained her to know, how deep you had to hide it. She also felt furious. Not at you, of course. At the boy, who was painfully obvious to your feelings. He didn’t notice small details, that showed how much you loved him.

“I CAN’T SHUCKING BELIEVE IT” said Gally when you walked side by side through the tunnel. He wouldn’t admit it, but felt disappointed and kind of surprised. He knew you and Newt for so long, saw your eyes, your smile, your body language. The way you acted around blonde boy. You had to be goddamn stupid, to not know that you were in love. And yet, you didn’t say a single word. And Newt didn’t see any of that.

“You really want to tell me, that you and him are still friends?” boy looked at you with disbelief. You turned behind to see, if Thomas and Newt don’t hear you.

“I guess. I mean, we always were friends.” you said quietly. Gally rolled his eyes.

“ It doesn’t mean you have to remain like this forever.” he commented with cheesy smile. You laughed and shook your head. “I’m not sure if this is a moment and place to confessions.” you said after a while.

“You’ve been saying it for a years now. It’s been cute at the beginning, seriously. But now, it hurts doesn’t it? What I am saying is, you shouldn’t waste any time. You might not have it a lot.” said Gally with symphaty and worry in his eyes.

“What are you talking about?” you asked not knowing how to proces his words. He didn’t say anything. Part of you didn’t need him to.

SHE looked sadly at her old friend. They didn’t have to tell her. She knew. Newt was infected. She glanced at you. You were looking at him with teary, worried eyes, clinging onto his arm, like always.When she was in WICKED, she couldn’t help but wonder, if she didn’t betray Thomas like that, would two of them be like you and Newt?

“He’s the love of your life, isn’t he?” she asked, getting your chip out of your neck. You didn’t say anyting. There was nothing to say.

“The serum you have….It won’t save him. You know that” you remained silent. Tears came to your eyes but you didn’t say anything. Thomas noticed the change in your facial expression. “I think that’s enough.” he said getting you away from her. He knew exactly what was that about. Of course he noticed. But him? He was to busy with his thoughts. Thoughts that were killing him, slowly.

“PLEASE (Y/N) JUST LISTEN TO ME” raven-haired girl practically yelled at you. “You know he doesn’t have much time. But I can help him. We can save him. I just need to test Thomas’ blood.” said Teresa pleading with her eyes towards you. Normally, you would laughed at her face. But this time, it was different. It was about Newt. You looked at him, almost crying. He was already looking at you, shaking his head. Without breaking stare, you asked a question:

“Will you save him?” your voice was shaking, you saw how Newt looked at you not confused. You felt Thomas sharp voice; “You can’t be serious, (Y/N)”. You still were looking at Newt. You hoped your eyes would tell him something, your lips weren’t able to.

“I know together, we will”

***

AND that’s how you were running again. But this time, with needle in your hand and Teresa by your side. Corridors were almost empty, just doctors evacuating. Every guard was now just were The Ivy Trio was. That’s why you found them without any trouble. They noticed you straight away but obviously, guards did too. You reached the boys and started running together, as bullets were flying to your side. You were so determineted, so thankful for Teresa’s resarch that you didn’t feel bullet which was now lower your ribs.

“Newt I got it, I got the cure.” you half-shouted when you all were in the room. They all looked at you like you were crazy.”Me and Teresa got it, you just have…” then you felt pain all over your body. Your legs were wobbly, head dizzy and you dropped to the floor.

“Bloody hell, (Y/N)! You’re bleeding!” said Newt kneeling next to you. You looked at him confuesd. “So what? Newt, didn’t you hear what I said? We have te cure. You’ll be okay”

“You literally was shot and even then, you still worry abiut this shuckface.” said Minho with disbelief. You just looked at blonde boy with the biggest smile despite the pain, killing you inside.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” said Newt taking the needle from your hand and putting it to the pocket. You didn’t look happy like few seconds before.

“What the hell? You have to take it, now.” you said completely ignoring Thomas and Minho who were now, breaking the big glass in front of them.

“(Y/N), are you insane? Your life is on an edge and you are asking me, to take the needle? Shouldn’t you worry about yourself first?” he said trying to stop the bleeding. Teresa slowly put you on your legs, as you had to jump.

“When you love someone more than yourself, you care more about him than you.” you mumbled. He just looked at you. Still, you thought, he didn’t notice..”

“Are you sure about that?” asked Minho looking at Thomas worried.

“Not really.” said boy. Newt frowned.”Great. We’re all bloody inspired”

As he said that, door opened. The four of you looked behind, you too tired to well, actually care. Then you felt youself falling down and then, into the unconsciousness.

AS YOU OPENED YOUR EYES, you were convinced that you died and are in some kind of after life. You stand and went outside. The first thing you noticed, was ocean. You smiled and walked towards it. Your mind was so mesmerized, that you didn’t notice Newt’s big smile when he saw you are awake. This time you didn’t notice. As he walked as fast as he could, to be by your side. How he ignored Minho’s snarky comment “about time, shank”. How he shoved everyone from his path, just to get to you. How his eyes were ony on you. How he sat by your side, not saying anything. How the minute he looked at you, he remembered your words about love. How he mentally punched himself in the face for not noticing your signs. Finally realizing why Gally was so pissed at him. Why Thomas smiled at him like that. Why Minho gave him speech about being slinthead. Why Frypan laughed at him. Why Brenda was smirking when she saw him heading to you.

“I know it now, love. I noticed.” he said looking at you. You were already looking at him. With those eyes. This smile. You reached his hand and interwined your fingers together.

“Thank you for saving me. For all these years.” Newt said kissing your knuckles. You chuckled.”Of course, Newt. You know I will always do that.”

He was by your side. All was well.

[bisexualamy]

hi. hello. i've only been following you for a short while, so apologies if there's already a post about it somewhere on your blog, but would you be willing to expand on duck newton a little bit? the thing is that i'm terribly stupid and i feel like i see your point but don't know. why exactly...

Hi! There’s not one comprehensive post about it but I’m more than happy to make this one it. And don’t beat yourself up!! I think some of this does come from “I am a trans man and his experience resonates with me” and personally, I think that being an argument for identifying someone as gay/trans/queer coded is valid. But that’s not, imo, the only reason why many folks (including myself) really see Duck as a trans man. So here are a few more. Spoilers for the ending of TAZ: Amnesty ahead.

Goes by a nickname & treats revealing his “actual”/proper/non-nickname name as a sign of intimacy - I think this is the most obvious one but the way that Justin plays it gives it a genuine quality that really fits with Duck being trans. I love the exchange between Duck and Aubrey where she asks for his name, he replies “Duck” and when she presses him he says “we’re not there yet” and she says “we’re not at names?!”

Names being an intimate symbol is not exclusive to trans folks, but for many of us, choosing our names is often a literal and symbolic first step towards redefining the lens through which the world sees us. This time, in a way we want to. Duck’s earnest insistence that no, he is Duck, and that’s enough, comes off as very trans. So much so, that I wasn’t sure initially how I felt about his name reveal to Minerva in the finale. But the more I sat with it, and after my Amnesty re-listen, I think it actually puts a really fine point on this.

Choosing a name for yourself is really vulnerable. From what we know about Duck’s past, it really sounds like Duck has gone by Duck since he was a kid. Juno has known Duck since they were both teens, at least, and she’s always called him Duck, even in flashbacks. Duck remarks in another flashback that his mom doesn’t like the name Duck, yet he still insists on using that name. To me, it’s very easy to take a trans reading of Duck here. Duck has had clear discomfort with his birth name since he was a kid, whether or not he realized it was for a trans reason. He starts going by a nickname very early on, and later chooses a more traditionally male name (Wayne) as his legal name when he transitions. But in a sense, he was Duck before he was anything else. Revealing the secret name he chose for himself to Minerva, in this reading, just makes that an even more intimate moment.

Part of an alternative subculture as a kid - this is somewhat anecdotally based, but we know Duck was a skater and kind of a punk as a teenager when he was going through his own period of self-discovery. Alternative subcultures are often refuges for lgbt and gnc folks as teens, because they can be safe spaces for alternate gender expression. For me, being part of the pop punk/emo subculture as a kid gave me a lot more freedom to experiment with gender neutral and masculine gender presentation. I see Duck’s past as a skater and a punk a good parallel for this. We also know that Duck had kind of a fraught adolescence, and this was an outlet for him. I think this reading is even stronger when you consider him as a trans character, trying on the identities of different subcultures in parallel to understanding his own gender identity. His character arc redefining his identity as the chosen one is a genuinely great parallel for the trans gender euphoria, self acceptance, and taking an active role in reshaping one’s identity - this is absolutely my favorite one. Duck’s literal journey as the chosen one works really well as a metaphorical trans narrative, and I honestly think it strengthens his character arc to read him as a trans character redefining what it means to be the chosen one. Duck is caught between who he is as part of the Kepler community and who he is as the chosen one in an interstellar war. And his character arc is finding what it means to be all of these things and also Duck. From a young age, Duck is told he’s the chosen one, and his whole life is redefined in front of him. He’s very resistant to accepting this fact. What will this mean for his family? What will this mean for him and his future? What if he doesn’t want this? Why him? Who picked him? What if I don’t want all this baggage? Can I please give this to someone else? His first scene with Minerva is very reminiscent of the first moment of “wait, am I trans? What does that mean? Who am I, actually? I don’t want this.” Many trans folks, myself included, sort of know they’re trans before they know they’re trans. In our transphobic society, it’s a lot easier to just not be trans. It sort of sits there in the back of your mind, and sometimes you can ignore it, sometimes you even forget about it, but it inevitably always comes back. Because to ignore you’re trans is to ignore the truth of your life. The same thing happens to Duck and his identity as the chosen one. Minerva literally reappears to him throughout his life to remind him that he can’t run from his destiny, as much as he tries to shut her out. Duck even goes through periods of accepting “hey, maybe this chosen one thing isn’t so bad” only for something to go a bit wrong and him to completely reject it again. Minerva gives Duck Beacon, and for a moment he’s like “hey, this is kind of cool” before his destiny scares him and he falls back into what the hell am I doing and eventually gives Beacon to Ned. He shuts away a symbol of the identity he’s running from, much like a trans person might hide objects or experiences that give them gender euphoria, because to accept them is to start to accept the truth of who you are. I also like this reading because it makes Leo Tarkesian a great parallel for older trans mentors. Leo lived the life of the chosen before Duck. He’s gone through this all before and now his role is to keep Duck safe and make sure he safely comes into his own identity as the chosen one. The found family? The generational mentorship? The fact that Leo and Duck talk about the emotional weight of being chosen in a way Duck can’t really express with others? Even Minerva? Very trans. When Duck stops running from who he is he realizes he might actually like being the chosen one. When he loses his abilities, he realizes he misses them. But the solution isn’t to just become what Minerva tells him. The solution isn’t to just abandon all of his principles and values, abandon everything that makes Duck Duck and transform into the model of a chosen one. Duck won’t kill anybody. Duck chooses to make decisions with arguably worse outcomes for himself to avoid killing anybody (like saving Billy the Goatman). Duck gets to define what it means to be Duck The Chosen. He won’t settle for anything less. This, to me, is a really awesome parallel for not just accepting one’s gender but accepting oneself and your experiences of gender, and making it your own until it feels euphoric. Two other quick things that are more my opinion than textual analysis:

Duck’s brand of a softer masculinity made me feel euphoric as a trans man and it’s a kind of masculinity I see a lot of trans men aspire to have. Yes, not all trans men are masculine in this way. However, I think the gentle streak in his masculinity codes him as this type of trans man. This great thread goes into more depth on that.

Duck is characterized quite strongly as a staple of the Kepler community. He knows everybody and they all know him and they all call him Duck. It’s just, “that’s our Duck.” That’s a wonderful thing for me as a trans person, to see a community come together around accepting a trans person they’ve known all his life, and certainly known since before his transition. That just makes me happy.


This was long but I hope it helped better understand why Duck is so important to me as a trans character! Thank you for the ask. I had a lot of fun writing this up.

[anobscurename]

ocean eyes – chris evans

PART I

concept: this is a collection of happenings, the little moments with him, rather than a whole thought-out fic. the slowest of slow burns. this is the second part, the reunion. this is what happens when the night is over.

pairing: chris evans x reader

word count: 2,618

warnings: none, except a little profanity

author’s note: part two is here! i hope you like it :)

The second time you met Chris, was while you were at work. You were a cocktail waitress at a relatively posh, incredibly elite, uptown bar. The kind that charges you way too much for a drink so little, and probably sells diamond infused vodka. This was the night spot of everyone who was anyone – gods that sipped golden champagne from fine, polished Baccarat flutes that were probably worth your house.

You had no problem with rich people. You just had a problem with the way some treated you – and that was to say, not very well.

“Hey.” A male voice startled you out of your near robotic drink making. They were a bit understaffed that night, so you had taken the liberty of helping out behind the bar while the tables in your section remained vacant. You were somewhat of an expert cocktail maker – you could even safely say you could do it blindfolded (an exceptionally wild bachelor’s party provided proof enough). So it wasn’t uncommon for your mind to drift elsewhere while you mixed a drink. You tilted your head slightly in the direction of your co-worker, letting him know you were listening, while still pretending to be way more immersed in your task than you really were. It was that anti-social kind of night, where you’d rather be curled up at home with Netflix and a mug of tea rather than be there (despite being fully aware of how many girls would kill to have entry to the most exclusive club in Los Angeles). But the pay was good – excellent, actually – and you did get some really nice patrons at times. And your co-workers? They weren’t half bad, either. “There’s a table that just sat down in your station.”

You swore under your breath, finished mixing the drink with a sped efficiency, and handed it off to the patron. “Your station” was the VIP section, and was rarely very busy so early in the evening. You knew club routine well enough by now: pre-drinks before the party were often done at home, in the limos, or in a relatively tame bar somewhere nearby. This was for the pleasantries, the catching up, the conversations that would inevitably be drowned out by the pounding music if done anywhere else. That usually occurred around this time. This club – and many like it – the kind that was where everyone who was anyone had to be seen at – was the second phase. The party phase. The phase where most of the time, drama, and scandal, took place. This was often from 10pm till 4am, depending on the stamina of the party goers. And then the wind down: after parties, often held at someone’s house. This was the natural order of the night world, and you respected people who respected that. You modelled your entire schedule around that.

That’s why you had assumed that your station would’ve been empty until much later – until after pre-drinks and conversations. Whoever just sat down in VIP – they were disturbing the natural fucking order, and you were not having it. Well, you were silently not having it; you still needed, like, money.

Your job didn’t come without it’s perks, though. A murder of stunning people were sat on the plush leather couches surrounding black marble topped tables behind the velvet chain that separated them from the masses. Some you recognised instantly from the big screen, and others from the tabloids. And one from a personal encounter… Your breath caught and you damn near choked.

There he was, reclined on the couch, so at ease with his arms spread over the back, grinning and laughing at something someone had said. He wasn’t looking at you. Yet. That changed abruptly, as soon as you (after having gathered your confidence) introduced yourself to them.

He faltered slightly in his laugh, but his grin remained – growing even wider, as slowly, he tilted his head to look over at you.

Immediately his eyes brightened. If there was any doubt in your mind as to whether or not it was really him, it dissipated with that single nod of recognition he gave you.

You cleared your throat as a small diversion to clear your head. “Are you ready to order?”

They rattled off their orders, almost all of them barely paying any attention to your silent exchange with Chris. Almost.

A (begrudgingly) stunning female on Chris left, who was pressed eagerly into his side, gave you a dirty once over and sneered out her order to you. Oh. She was one of those. The ones who looked down at literally anyone not a billionaire.

He noticed her disdain, and his grin fell. A small victory, he revoked his arm from around her – bemused by her display of deluded superiority. You had to physically hide your smirk as you got the last order – his – and slipped behind the bar with the orders engraved in your mind.

——————

The group departed after about two hours. Two hours of eyeing the table (mainly to check if their glasses were still full, or if they needed anything else – or at least that’s what you kept telling yourself), two hours of stolen glances – ones that you were always the first to pull away from, usually after the inevitable smirk that touched his lips when you looked for a bit longer than you should.

When they left, you cleaned the table. Who was he? He seemed to have friends in high places, but there was something else… You knew, when you first met him, that you knew his face. Ugh, that itch was back – the one in the brain where you know you know something but it’s evading your every grasp – and it was refusing to go away. Like an earworm of a melody, lyrics forgotten.

It plagued you for the remainder of your shift – which wasn’t necessarily long, just an hour or so more – and even as you got ready to go home.

It was approaching peak hours now, and so you knew the front would be bustling with paps and desperate social climbers begging for entrance from the surly bouncers, who stood as monoliths in churning seas. Because with peak hours, came the rich and famous; socialites, actors, singers, designers, models. And with them, the gods of the nightlife, came the screaming hordes.

God, you were dramatic. You smirked to yourself, at the internal monologue you were maintaining, as you punched in the code to slip out the back. Anything to keep a scrap of sanity in these long nights. So wrapped up in your own thoughts, you didn’t notice him following you until he laid a scopic hand on your shoulder.

You whirled, shoving him against a wall, knee approaching dangerously close to his crotch before you mercifully faltered at the familiar face.

“Chris?!” You were breathless with exhilaration, adrenaline thick in your veins at having been caught off guard. You released him, stepping away to run your hand through your hair to brush it away from your face. “What are you doing, hiding in a back alley, trying to catch unsuspecting girls off guard?!”

He chuckled at your scolding tone, at the way you pressed a hand to your beating heart, over the top dramatism at play in your actions. “Trying to catch an unsuspecting girl off guard. Obviously.”

You realised then how strange it was for him to still be here; his party departed at least an hour and a half ago. “Did you wait out here for me?”

“Can you promise not to kick me in the balls if I said yes?”

You laughed as he cautiously eyed your legs at his sentiment. “So, what, you’re following me now?”

“I could ask you the same question.”

“I’m not the one who waited an hour for someone, out in a back alley, in the freezing cold.” To punctuate your point, a cold blast of wind ripped through the alleyway, worming its way under your coat to stroke at your skin with cold tendrils. You shivered, crossing your arms to preserve the warmth. “You’re not an axe murderer, are you?”

He patted down his pockets. “Ah, shit. Must’ve left my axe at home.” His tone was dead serious, but at your roll of the eyes, he grinned.

You buried your hands in your pocket to stave off the chill. Weirdly enough, after the initial shock, you were glad to have someone with you to walk with you to your car, parked three blocks away to make room for the patrons’ stretch limousines. You inclined your head in the direction of your vehicle, nodding for him to walk with you.

He smiled softly, following you out of the dim lighting of the alleyway, into the lights of the main road. The clamour outside of the club was a roar, the leering of the paps at the celebrities who entered becoming a jumble of white noise.

You noticed how, as soon as you both approached the light, he ducked his head and upturned the collar of his jacket, avoiding the peoples’ attentative eye. You both pushed by relatively unnoticed, and you only spoke again when the bellowing crowd was a distant memory.

“So, who are you?”

The question took him by surprise. The action of lighting the cigarette he had propped between his lips stuttered, and he gave you an apprehensive look. He struck the match he had poised in his hand, looking down to watch where the flame licked. “You know who I am.”

“You just sat where Justin Bieber sat. I served drinks to the Kardashians on that couch. Only the VIPs of VIPs sit there. So, are you famous or something?”

Shaking the match out, he took a drag – prolonging his answer as long as he possibly could. He deliberated you, wondering what your reaction would be. Would you treat him differently, now? “Or something.”

You eyed him up, skeptical, before breaking into a massive grin. “Cool,” you said non-chalantly. Or at least in your head. What you really said was: “I fucking knew I wasn’t losing my mind! I fucking knew it, Mr I-Just-Have-One-Of-Those-Faces. Oh my God, I’m not crazy, fuck yes!”

The look he gave you negated that entirely, because indeed, he was looking at you as if you were a mad woman, in spite of the amused twist of his lips. “Are you done?”

After a moment of appraising him, you nodded, calm again. “Yeah, I’m done.”

You were less excited that you were in the presence of celebrity royalty, more relieved that you weren’t insane for feeling he was so familiar. That was refreshing for Chris; usually after someone discovered his identity, they would treat him differently – sidling up to him, for a favour or money or status or cloning DNA. Or for workout tips, but he got that regularly. Barring the brief moment of unhinged happiness you displayed, you treated him as you did before. Like when he stole your cab.

“Andy Barber!” You had started walking again, him alongside you, in a pleasant silence. Your outburst caused both of you to pause again. “Ransom Drysdale? Steve Rogers…”

He arched a brow in question, taking a pensive drag from his cigarette. “Are you having a stroke?”

“That’s where I recognise you from.” Mumbling to yourself, you muttered “God, I knew I wasn’t crazy.”

He chuckled, flicking the ash off his cigarette, both of you continuing on in a comfortable silence.

“So, what did I do to deserve the chance at having you escort me to my car?”

He stomped out the cigarette, smoke curling from his lips as he tried to find the best way to word his question. “I have a proposition for you.”

“Oh, you can proposition my fist to your face,” you chuckled in disbelief. “Just because you’re all high and mighty and famous doesn’t mean that every girl you meet is going to throw themselves at your feet even if you did buy me pizza and you’re all smug and handsome and have impeccable dress sense like, seriously, what is that? Armani? What? Why are you laughing at me?”

He had started laughing sometime during your rant and the sound, contagious and warm, had caused you to falter. You fought a smile that was threatening to rise. You were trying to make a point, goddamnit, and you would be damned if he was going to ruin it with his smug, handsome face.

“A business proposition, {your name},” he managed to say among the peels of laughter. “But please, do go on my impeccable dress sense.”

You were mortified. You probably sounded proper arrogant, thinking that he wanted to get in your pants. You groaned, hiding your face in your hands for a moment to conceal the fast rising heated flush of embarrassment. Conceal, don’t feel. Don’t let him know. Thanks, Elsa.

“What, uh,” you cleared your throat, turning away to continue your stalling trek (and to avoid his gaze). “What business proposition?”

“Do you like dogs?”

You ignored how laugh-drunk his voice sounded – gravelly and lilted with amusement. It just served to feed your embarrassment further. “Love them. Why?”

Now it was his turn to clear his throat. “I recently, uh, split up with my girlfriend and I’m heading to Vancouver for a few months for a film. She was meant to help look after Dodger and the house while I was gone, but, given the recent change in plans, that would appear to no longer be an option.”

He avoided your gaze as you glanced over at him, but you could see the throb of the muscle in his jaw, indicating the grit of his teeth.

“And you have deemed me worthy?” You tried lightening the mood a little, and was satisfied by his small smile and accompanying chuckle.

“I know it’s too much to ask of a stranger–”

“Why don’t you get a friend to do it?”

“I would, if any were deemed worthy,” he teased. Warmth swelled in his eyes when he looked at you next, and paired with that smile and the words he spoke next, you knew you would do anything he asked. “And I am asking a friend.”

A beat passed. “Fine. I’ll live in your stupid mansion and look after your stupid dog. Okay, I didn’t mean that last bit, I’m sure Dodger is lovely, but I’ll have you know: I don’t come cheap.”

“What, living in my mansion isn’t good enough?”

“Fuck no! I still need to feed the dog, clean up after it, clean the house, have money on hand for damages in case I get too wild by myself… There’s a long, fucking list.”

“I’m sure we can make an arrangement,” he smirked.

You shivered slightly at the double entendres laced in his words; good thing it was cold, so you could easily excuse it.

“What makes you think I’ll say yes?” You tip your head in the direction of the club from which you were making your slow escape. “They pay well, a lot better than house sitting.”

“Are you happy there?”

You balked at his question. “The money is good–”

“I wasn’t asking about the money, I was asking if you were happy.” He arched a brow, something close to concern crossing his face.

“I–”

He cocked his head, waiting for an answer. You knew you couldn’t lie to him.

“No, not really. Some people are real assholes, especially when drunk.”

“Then it’s settled. You’ll come work for me.”

“Woah, hey now. I can’t just… Uproot my life and live with you. For starters, I have a lease and stuff. And I have a life, a job, a–”

“I have an adorable mixed boxer and a Jacuzzi.”

“When do I start?”

[asinnersalibi]

You know what my deepest fear is? The thought that my child won't hear "I'm proud of you" or "I love you" enough and subsequently feel like I don't love them. I recently learned that my love language is acts of service, so I will show you that I love you before I tell you, and I fear that, at some point, my child will feel like I don't love them, and you know what that's terrifying. A little backstory, I like writing, so my brain is constantly going, and I started thinking of a story idea in the dark of my room at the restless 5 am hour, and it went a little like this:

"What is your deepest fear?"

"Heights."

"Incorrect." and it just took me aback, like what the fuck do you mean incorrect? You're a figment of my imagination. Fuck off. But it made me think, what is my deepest fear? And it occurred to me that sometimes, I don't think my caregiver thinks I love them, and it reflected on current, then future relationships. Saying "I love you" on its own is a privilege because it's something people have to earn from me, but I can say I love you and it feel like a lie. I want to mean it, so I'll show it. Whether it is indulging in your favorite show because I know how much you love to talk about it and come up with your own headcanons but never having anyone to come up with headcanons with because talking to new people is hard and social anxiety is a bitch to making the ever-standing promise to buy you a car; I mean these things wholeheartedly. This probably developed from an environment of hypocrisy and emotional manipulation, and that's a post for another day. It took me this long to be able to trust people again and the last thing I ever want is for the few people I have let into my life and do hold very dear to my heart to think I don't love them.

Now that I've left my heart out in the godless lands of Tumblr, we're going over some ways to show you love someone.

Long-Distance Relationships

Indulge in their interests. Show them you're interested in what makes them happy, find your own joy in it. Don't force yourself to like something just because your partner does, find common interests, let them find you.

Respect boundaries, some people are camera shy, hate their voice, don't like talking. Telling them their beautiful, their voice is lovely, and soothing doesn't change the personal boundaries that have been set, it pushes them. You may not like texting 24/7, calling after 19:00 (7 pm), or turning your camera on, and it is the responsibility of your loved one to respect those boundaries as well.

Compromise. Instead of your 19:00, especially for different time zones, try their 19:00, which perhaps is an hour after yours. If you live 13 hours apart, set overlapping times where you can talk and you're both comfortable, even if it's not the times you specifically set for yourself.

Buy them food. Technology has advanced so far that you can order your loved one's favorite meal and have it delivered even if you're all the way across the world.

Make exceptions (that are to be reciprocated!!). Sometimes, your loved one is having a really shitty day and they just want to talk to you at midnight, it doesn't happen often and it's not an obligation but making exceptions is not the end of the world (when they are reciprocated!!) Reciprocated does not mean making your loved one uncomfortable by forcing them out of their comfort zone because you made an exception for them. You can say no, you can compromise. Love is a learning process and you must learn to love each other or learn to make peace on your own.

Family Dynamics

Paternal Figures

Now some of these may be some of your chores, but just for consideration.

Make dinner. As breadwinners, they work to (hopefully) put food on the table. Coming home stressed out and hungry because they got caught up in work because Justin decided to clock out at noon leaving them to cover and not having the time to properly eat lunch results in an often unhappy environment. You'd be surprised how relaxing it is to come home and dinner is already on the table. (Or ready to be consumed because if you're anything like my family, we don't eat at the table.)

Clean after yourself. Parents are a pain in the ass sometimes and they will bitch about anything dirty, misplaced, or miskept, so try to, at the very least keep yourself and your spaces clean. Then, if you can, fold the laundry, clean the fridge, make them lunch.

Compromise! Look, sometimes parents were raised in environments where the adults were adults and could do whatever they wanted while children had to just deal with it. Screaming at them for outdated parenting is unnecessary stress on the entirety of the situation. Talk to them. Tell them this is overwhelming, or you're having a hard time doing this and this, and maybe you could do this and that? Don't tell them they're wrong, you don't want to be told your wrong, don't yell at them. They're trying too. Compromise.

Remind them of things. Remind them of things they were supposed to remember, remember this sibling has orchersta practice on Thursday, buy lightbulbs, the check engine light came on a couple of days ago, don't forget to check that. You know your parents best and know what they have a hard time remembering, it is helpful.

Give them breaks, too. That doesn't always have to be doing anything but just leaving them alone. Keeping your siblings (if you have any) occupied while they take a nap, get some work done, or just relax. Parenting is hard and they might not be the best parents, but they are still your parents.

Siblings aren't much different, tell them you love them, do little things for them whether it be folding their laundry, completing a chore they forgot to do or helping them with homework. Most are appreciative, others will think you've mapped out their murder. Both are good.

Cordials (Neighbors, coworkers, workers)

Watching their house, child, or pet while they run to the store. This isn't for every neighbor but for the ones who you run into every day and you've built that trust.

"Can I borrow a cup of sugar", if you are in a well enough position to provide for yourself, try to provide for others.

Cover your coworkers, within reason. If that one coworker just always takes the busiest week off, don't feel obligated to torture yourself because someone asked. If a coworker's kid just threw up and they need to pick them up from school, that's different. It's all in perspective, to me, family takes priority, to you, it may be different. Know your boundaries, know when you push them, don't let people step all over them.

Let things slide. People make mistakes, waiters mess up orders, all yelling does is make people feel worthless. Reassure them that it's okay, mistakes happen, and they can be fixed.

Children are going to play in streets, oblivious to their surroundings, if you know they're there try to be cautious. That's love to a community.

Call your family members, tell them you love them. Remind them that you know they are there. Especially as you get older.

Tip your waiters, babysitters, and nurses.

Be honest.

Know how to love people. Learn.

Show kindness, don't wonder why your life is so shitty when you treat everyone like shit. Karma's a bitch.

Learn how to smile. You don't have to love yourself, but know when it's best to love yourself by loving others.

Love. Don't hate. There's enough hate.

Remember, people love in different ways, if you, like myself, love with acts of services and your partner is a verbal lover, coexist. Your words mean the world to them and acting upon them means the world for you. That's okay, love comes in many shapes, sizes, colors, and concepts, it's finding your love, and growing with it.

That is not to say love is one-sided, loving someone is a two-way street, and you, as a lover must understand when someone is figuring out how to love you, and when they don't love you at all. The rose-tinted glasses become so comfortable to wear you forget to see the red flags and that is a distinction that takes time, patience, and experience. Don't be taken advantage of, don't let people walk all over you or cross boundaries under the concept of love, that's not love, it's manipulation. Stay safe, people, stay humble and love each other.

[peanutpinet]

Nine Percent Scenarios for @ninepercent._.forever on IG

Cause she chose majority soft pics, so here is a soft group pic of the boys uwu <3

Cai Xukun

Can I just say one more time, silver hair Kunkun is *chefs kiss*

Alright, for this, I’d imagine that Kun was attending your graduation (high school or university, whichever you’d like) and when it was finally your turn to go up and take your paper/medal/diploma, etc; Kun would instantly smile, pointing at you/wave at you when you turn around to face the audience. I would also feel that Kun would brag about you to the people around him (if it’s your parents then he’ll be like ‘she’s so amazing’).

“That’s my girl!! Yeap!! That stunning, breath-taking, kind-hearted, smart girl is mine. You go sweetheart!!”

Chen Linong

OMO LOOK HOW SOFT NONGNONG IS WITH THAT CAT!! I DIE

Alright!! For this one, I feel that you guys are roommates and were heading back when you guys noticed this cat that doesn’t look alright. Nongnong (being the animal lover he is) would go over to the cat and pet it. When Nongnong said that the cat seems to be sick, he would suggest to bring it to the vet; which you agreed, without question.

After getting checked, the vet gave Nongnong a prescription and Nongnong just held the cat in his arms, soothing it and telling it that it’ll be alright. Upon the sight, you just can’t help but die of cuteness and just had to take a picture of him.

“Don’t worry lil guy, I got you. You’re going to be just fine!!” *insert is uwu smile*

Fan Chengcheng

Alright, alright, for this pic of Chengcheng, I feel that he was bored at home and was like “Hey!! (Y/N)!! Let’s go out!! I’m bored” and since you were also just being a couch potato (mind you, a hot couch potato), you were like “ehhh, I don’t see why not”. Especially when Chengcheng is the one picking you up and dropping you back.

So, the two of you went out the whole day. Had brunch together then went to the mall to do some window shopping/actual shopping, whichever one you are. Afterwards, you guys just decided to walk along the streets for a bit before going back home. Along the way, it started to snow and you were mesmerised by it and didn’t noticed that Chengcheng was staring until you turned around to see him (cue the pic).

“Isn’t it pretty Cheng?”

“Sure is” (looks at you)

Justin Huang Minghao

I SWEAR!! JUSTIN CAN LOOK 20+ IN ONE MINUTE AND 16 IN THE NEXT. LIKE HOW?!

Anyways, I imagine that you guys were just hanging out since it was finally winter break. So, Justin decided to celebrate your winter break by inviting you to join him for a little outing. Like, he’s so full of energy, he wants to go out and just move!! So, the two of you were now walking along the park when you started to feel tired from all the walking and decided to take a break by just sitting down on a bench, looking at the beautiful scenery in front of you. When Justin decided to sit next to you and look at you and you were a bit taken aback when he gave you that face (the picture).

“Wh-what are you looking at?”

“You. I never noticed how much your eyes are glowing. It’s pretty. And not to mention your smile. It’s just contagious. I hope that you would smile often from now on”

Lin Yanjun

Alright, I have no idea why she chose this pic of Yanjun. Clearly, you wanted to kill me huh, Aliya? Anyways, we’ll see what scenario I got

For this specific pic, since my dear friend wanted the boys to either be your guy friend/boyfriend, this is what I came up with. You and Yanjun were childhood friends; with Yanjun being like 4-5 years older and was the heir to a company which you decided to apply for. Of course, you still had to go through interviews and everything; Yanjun believes that you can never take the easy way out. 

However, the difference between you and your co-workers is that Yanjun would always asks you about your job at the end of the day which he knows that you worked hard since he heard it from your supervisor. Working under Yanjun was tough but he would never give you work that he knows you can’t handle and every now and then he would definitely treat you by taking you to your favourite restaurants/cafes at the weekend.

You have been working so hard and slowly climbed your way and was now Yanjun’s secretary. However, there were definitely some workers that were jealous of that. They’d be like “how can she become his secretary?” “just look at her! She doesn’t even look that good” and many more. But, it never really bothered you since you knew that dealing with those people are just a waste of your time and childish.

Unfortunately, it didn’t last long. Sure, you tried your best to not care. But when those people started being physical, it was just too hard to handle. You were constantly dozing away and easily distracted that Yanjun himself became worried. He would asked you every now and then but you didn’t tell him, you didn’t want to bother him since he was basically “shouldering” your expenses.

But fear not!! One day, he finally caught the workers red-handed. You were just about to get lunch for both you and Yanjun when the elevator didn’t work and so, you took the stairs. However, those jealous workers caught you, some of them purposely bumped into you, making the food you brought fall onto yourself. But little did they know that Yanjun was passing by since he forgot to handover a document to his management team. At first, Yanjun was already ready to come in and fight. But when he saw that it was you, he didn’t hesitate one bit. He shouted at the workers, scaring them and you.

To say that the workers were scared was an understatement. Nope, they were petrified at this point. Yanjun was walking down the stairs, hands in his pockets and his gaze, colder than ever. He went to your side, asking you if you were alright but all you could do was let out a little hiccup. Noticing your state, Yanjun pulled you into a hug, looking back at the workers and told them that he’ll deal with them later and he hope that they have cleaned their belongings from the office.

“OI!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”

“Sshhh, are you alright? Is this why you’ve been dozing off lately?”

“J-jun...”

“ *sigh* I’ll deal with all of you later. Oh, and I hope that by the time I call you to my office, all of your belongings are packed”

“Is alright, I got you (Y/N). Please tell me the next time this happens”

“B-but...you just fired them?” 

“(Y/N)...you’re too sweet sometimes, you know that? I hope you know that things like this shouldn’t be taken lightly. I care about you, you know. Now c’mon, let’s get you cleaned up and I’ll order some food for us, your favourites, kay?”

HOW DO I WRITE SO LONG FOR HIM?! AND WITH THIS KIND OF SCENARIO!! AGGHHH CURSE MY WRITING

Zhu Zhengting

Mama Ting holding a big fluffy panda?! Welp, time to fly over to visit him (JK)

So, I feel that the two of you were hanging out all day, just a normal day of at your place, cooking, baking and watching TV shows/films all day when suddenly, the sun finally sets and it was night time. Since the both of you were too tired to cook, Zhengting suggested you guys have dinner at a nearby restaurant which of course, in the end, mama Ting paid for everything.

Whilst walking you back home, you both saw this place with a claw machine and you just so happen to see a huge panda in there. Determined to get it, you spent quite a pretty penny on it but failed to grabbed it. However, mama Ting decided to step in and get the doll for you. Which he finally did, after 7 tries.

“Th-the panda...Let me have the panda...please!!”

“Step aside (Y/N), I’ll get it for you!!”

“OMO!! TING!! YOU GOT IT!!”

“I GOT IT!!! Uhh, can I cuddle with it until we reached your home?”

“Is alright, since you got it, it should be yours”

“Eh?! Really?! I’M GOING TO GET TWO NEXT TIME!!”

Wang Ziyi

Can I say, Ziyi, multitasking to a new level man!!

So, for this pic, I thought that it’s been a while since you and Ziyi went out to grab a bite or catch up because he was very busy. However, since it was your birthday, he really didn’t want to cancel anymore plans. So, instead! He just cancelled meetings and all but he still brought a few work with him; works that he can easily finish in a short amount of time. Though he would apologise first-hand that he still had some unfinished business to take care of before you even got a chance to ask him.

“I’m really sorry that I had to bring some work with me today, (Y/N)”

“It’s fine Ziyi. I’m just happy that you even had the time to take me out”

“It’s your birthday. I wouldn’t miss it for anything else. Even though I’m technically somewhat working right now”

“I said it’s fine Ziyi. I’m happy that you’re here to spend the day with me”

“Aishh, you’re too nice (Y/N). Eh, eat up, the food will get cold! I just need to sign a few of these then I’m all yours for the day :)”

Xiao Gui

It’s been a while since I saw a soft Gui but hey!! I aint complaining!!

For Xiaogui, I feel that you finally graduated from university and was on your way back home. Well to be exact you were already back, it’s just that Xiaogui hasn’t had the time to see you. But!! He made it his mission that when he does see you, he would give you a surprise that you would never thought of.

He texted you saying that he had some free time and would like to meet up at the park that you guys used to hang out back in school. But little did you know that when you walked by the park, you saw Xiaogui, sitting on the stairs with a bouquet in his hands, a smile slowly formed on his face the minute you came into his sight.

“Kai (Wang Linkai, yea), wh-what’s all this? Are we going somewhere? OOH!! Is it for a special someone?”

“They sure are. You!”

“That’s...wait?! Me?! Wh-what?!” *cue blushing mess*

“Of course!! Congratulations on finishing your degree!! I’m proud of you (Y/N). Sorry that I have been very busy but, I wanted to do something special since you always send me something special. So, dinner?”

“I’d love to!! Thank you Kai!!”

You Zhangjing

Zhangjing in a suit!! YIKES!!! I NEED TO BREATHE!! PHEW!! OKAY!! ONTO THE SCENARIO!!

So, this is another slightly hard scenario to think of. But, here goes nothing. So, I imagine that you guys decided to have a date night since it has been a while you guys had like an actual proper date night. HECK!! Zhangjing even went all out and booked your favourite restaurant and brought out his suit for crying out loud!! Anyways, the date night, as you’d expect, was lovely. Zhangjing made sure that you get whatever food/drink you’d like then of course, Zhangjing being the responsible gentleman he is, brought you home. However, on you way back, you guys saw this bush with roses on them. And you know what Zhangjing did?

“Hey (Y/N)!!”

“Hmm? What is it Zhangjing?”

“Roses are red, violets are blue. I may not be able to rhyme but there is nothing prettier than you”

“OMG ZHANGJING!! STAWWPP!! Or more like, stop asking Yanjun for pick up lines for crying out loud!!”

[letterboxd]

Best of SXSW 2021.

From properly good Covid comedies to an epic folk-horror doc and an Indigenous feminist Western, the Letterboxd Festiville team reveals their ten best of SXSW Online.

We dug out old lanyards to wear around the house, and imagined ourselves queuing up the block from The Ritz (RIP). We dialled into screenings and panels, and did our level best to channel that manic “South By” energy from our living rooms.

The SXSW festival atmosphere was muted, and that’s to be expected. But the films themselves? Gems, so many gems, whether shot in a fortnight on the smell of an oily stimulus check, or painstakingly rotoscoped over seven years.

When we asked SXSW Film director Janet Pierson what she and her team were looking for this year, she told us: “We’re always looking for films that do a lot with little, that are ingenious, and pure talent, and discovery, and being surprised. We’re just looking for really good stories with good emotional resonance.” If there was one common denominator we noticed across this year’s SXSW picks, it was a smart, tender injection of comedy into stories about trauma, grief, unwanted pregnancy, chronic health conditions, homelessness, homophobia and, yes, Covid.

It’s hard to pick favorites, but here are the ten SXSW features and two short films we haven’t stopped thinking about, in no particular order.

Recovery Directed by Mallory Everton and Stephen Meek, written by Everton and Whitney Call

“Covid 19 is in charge now” might be the most hauntingly funny line in a SXSW film. In Recovery, two sisters set out on a haywire road trip to rescue their grandmother from her nursing home in the wake of a severe Covid 19 outbreak. There’s no random villain or threat, because isn’t being forced to exist during a pandemic enough of a threat in itself? If ever we were worried about “Covid comedies”, SXSW managed to flush out the good ones. (Read about the Festiville team’s other favorite Covid-inflected comedies, including an interview with the directors of I’m Fine (Thanks for Asking).)

Alex Marzona praises the “off-the-charts chemistry” between leads Mallory Everton and Whitney Call. Best friends since they were nine, the pair also wrote the film, with Everton co-directing with Stephen Meek. Every laugh comes from your gut and feels like something only the cast and crew would usually be privy to. “You can tell a lot of the content is improvised, which just attests to their talent,” writes Emma. Recovery doesn’t make you laugh awkwardly about how awful the last year has been—rather, it reminds you that even in such times there are still laughs to be had, trips to be taken, family worth uprooting everything for. Just make sure you’ve packed enough wet wipes for the road, and think long and hard about who should babysit your mice. —EK

The Spine of Night Written and directed by Morgan Galen King and Philip Gelatt

Don’t get too attached to any characters from its star-studded cast—nobody is safe (or fully-clothed) in The Spine of Night’s raw, ultra-violent and cynical world. Conjured over the last seven years, directors Philip Gelatt and Morgan Galen King’s rotoscoped epic recaptures the dazzling imagination and scope of their influences Ralph Bakshi and Heavy Metal. Approaching an anthology-style structure to explore how ‘absolute power corrupts absolutely’—a proverb more potent now than when Gelatt and King began their project—the film packs a franchise’s worth of ideas in its 90-minute runtime. Though the storytelling justifiably proves itself overly dense for some, it will find the audience it’s after, as other Letterboxd members have declared it “a rare treat” and “a breath of fresh air in the feature-length animation scene”. For sure, The Spine of Night can join Sundance premieres Flee and Cryptozoo in what’s already a compelling year for unique two-dimensional animation. —JM

Kambole Campbell caught up with Gelatt and King (who are also Letterboxd members!) during SXSW to talk about animation inspirations and rotoscoping techniques.

The Drover’s Wife: The Legend of Molly Johnson Written and directed by Leah Purcell

Snakes, steers and scoundrels beware! Writer-director-star Leah Purcell ably repurposes the Western genre for Aboriginal and female voices in The Drover’s Wife. Molly Johnson is a crack-shot anti-heroine for the ages, in this decolonized reimagining of a classic 1892 short story by Henry Lawson. And by reimagining, we mean a seismic shift in the narrative: Purcell has fleshed out a full story of a mother-of-four, pregnant with her fifth, a missing husband, predatory neighbors, a mysterious runaway and a young English couple on different paths to progress in this remote Southern land. Purcell first adapted this story for the stage, then as published fiction; she rightly takes the leading role in the screen version, too.

As a debut feature director, Purcell (Goa-Gunggari-Wakka Wakka Murri) already has a firm grip on the macabre and the menacing, not shying away from violence, but making very careful decisions about what needs to be depicted, given all that Molly Johnson and her family are subjected to. She also sneaks in mystic touches, and a hint of romance (local heartthrob Rob Collins can take us on a walk to where the Snowy widens to see blooming wildflowers anytime). Judging by early Letterboxd reviews, it’s not for everyone, but this is Australian colonization through an Indigenous feminist’s eyes, with a fierce, intersectional pay-off. “Extremely similar to a vast majority of the issues and themes explored in The Nightingale,” writes Claira. “I’m slowly realizing that my favorite type of Westerns are Australian.” —LK, GG

Swan Song Written and directed by Todd Stephens

Udo Kier is often the bridesmaid, rarely the bride. Now, after a lifetime of supporting roles ranging from vampires and villains to art-house muse, he finally gets to shine center-stage in Swan Song. Kier dazzles as a coiffure soothsayer in this lyrical pageant to the passage of queer times in backwater Sandusky, Ohio. “He is absolutely wonderful here,” writes Adrianna, “digging deep and pulling out a mesmerizing, deeply affecting and emotionally textured performance, proving that he’s an actor with much more range than people give him credit for.”

A strong supporting cast all have melancholy moments to shine, with Linda Evans (Dynasty), Michael Urie (Ugly Betty) and Jennifer Coolidge (Legally Blonde) along for the stroll. Surreal camp touches add joy (that chandelier, the needle drop!) but by the end, the tears roll (both of joy and sadness). Writer-director Todd Stephens ties up his Sandusky trilogy in this hometown homage, a career peak for both him and Kier. Robert Daniels puts it well, writing that Swan Song is “campy as hell, but it’s also a heartfelt LGBTQ story about lost lovers and friends, vibrant memories and the final passage of a colorful life.” —LK

Leo Koziol spoke with Todd Stephens and Udo Kier during SXSW about Grace Jones, David Bowie and dancing with yourself.

Islands Written and directed by Martin Edralin

Islands is a Mike Leigh-esque story that presents a Canadian Filipino immigrant family full of quirk and character, centered around Joshua, a reticent 50-year-old homebody son. The story drifts in and out of a deep well of sadness. Moments of lightness and familial love make the journey worthwhile. “A film so Filipino a main plot device is line-dancing,” writes Karl. “Islands is an incredibly empathetic film about what it’s like to feel unmoored from comfort. It’s distinctly Filipino and deals with the psychology of Asian culture in a way that feels both profound and oddly comforting.” In a year in which we’ve all been forced to physically slow down, Islands “shows us how slow life can be,” writes Justin, “and how important it is to be okay with that.” Rogelio Balagtas’s performance as Joshua—a first-time leading role—won him the SXSW Grand Jury Award for Breakthrough Performance. —LK

Ninjababy Directed by Yngvild Sve Flikke, written by Flikke with Johan Fasting and Inga H. Sætre

Ninjababy is as ridiculous as its title. When 23-year-old Rakel finds herself accidentally pregnant, scheduling an abortion is a no-brainer. But she’s way too far along, she’s informed, so she’s going to have to have the baby. The ensuing meltdown might have been heartbreaking if the film wasn’t so damn funny. Ninjababy draws on the comforting and familiar (“Lizzie McGuire if she was a pregnant young adult,” writes Nick), while mixing shock with originality (Erica Richards notices “a few aggressive and vulgar moments [but] somehow none of it seemed misplaced”).

An animated fetus in the style of Rakel’s own drawings appears to beg and shame Rakel into motherhood while she fights to hold onto her confidence that not wanting to be a mother doesn’t make her a bad person. Ninjababy’s greatest feat is its willingness to delve into that complication: yes, it’s righteous and feminist and 21st-century to claim your own body and life, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to turn away from something growing inside of you. It’s a comedy about shame, art, finding care in unlikely places—and there’s something in it for the gents, too. The titular ninjababy wouldn’t leave Rakel alone, and it’s unlikely to leave you either. Winner of the SXSW Global Audience Award. —SH

The Fallout Written and directed by Megan Park

Canadian actress Megan Park brought the youthful wisdom of her days on the teen drama series The Secret Life of the American Teenager to her first project behind the camera, and it paid off. Following the scattered after-effects of a school shooting, The Fallout may be the most acute, empathetic depiction of childhood trauma on screen in recent memory. “It sneaks up on you with its honesty and how it spends time with its lead, carried so beautifully by Jenna Ortega. Even the more conventional moments are poignant because of context,” writes Kevin L. Lee. Much of that “sneaky” honesty emerges as humor—despite the heavy premise, moments of hilarity hang on the edges of almost every scene. And Ortega’s portrayal of sweet-but-angsty Vada brings self-awareness to that humor, like when Vada’s avoidant, inappropriate jokes with her therapist reveal her desperation, but they garner genuine laughs nonetheless.

In this debut, Park shows an unmatched understanding of non-linear ways that young people process their pain. Sometimes kids try drugs! Sometimes they scream at their parents! But more often than not, they really do know what they want, who loves them, and how much time they need to grieve (see also: Jessie Barr’s Sophie Jones, starring her cousin Jessica Barr, out now on VOD and in theaters). The Fallout forsakes melodrama to embrace confusion, ambiguity and joy. Winner of both the SXSW Grand Jury and Audience Narrative Feature Awards, and the Brightcove Illumination Award. —SH

Ludi Directed by Edson Jean, written by Jean and Joshua Jean-Baptiste

When Ludi begins, it’s quiet and dreamy. The film’s opening moments conjure the simple pleasures of the titular character’s Haitian heritage: the music, the colors, the people. Ludi (Shein Monpremier) smiles to herself as she starts her morning with a tape recording her cousin mailed from Haiti to Miami, and listens as her family members laugh through their troubles before recording an upbeat tape of her own. But that’s where the dreaminess ends—Ludi is an overworked, underpaid nurse picking up every shift she possibly can in order to send money home. Writer-director Edson Jean fixates on the pains and consequences of Ludi’s relentless determination, which comes to a head when she moonlights as a private nurse for an old man who doesn’t want her there.

Ashton Kinley notes how the film “doesn’t overly dramatize or pull at false emotional strings to make its weight felt. The second half of the feature really allows all of that to shine, as the film becomes a tender and empathetic two-hander.” George’s (Alan Myles Heyman) resentment of his own aging body steps in as Ludi’s antagonist. Jean throws together jarring contrasts: George throwing Ludi out of the bathroom, followed by Ludi’s memories of home, followed by another lashing out, followed by a shared prayer. The tension is unsustainable. By interspersing the back-breaking predicament of a working-class immigrant with the sights and sounds of the Caribbean, Ludi elegantly, painfully reveals what the cost of a dream can be. —SH

Woodlands Dark and Days Bewitched: A History of Folk Horror Written and directed by Kier-La Janisse

Building on the folk horror resurgence of films like The Witch and Midsommar, Kier-La Janisse’s 193-minute documentary Woodlands Dark and Days Bewitched is a colossal, staggering undertaking that should school even the most seasoned of horror buffs. “Thorough is an understatement,” says Claira.

Combining a historian’s studied, holistic patience with a cinephile’s rabid, insatiable thirst, the film, through the course of six chapters, broadens textbook British definitions, draws trenchant socio-political and thematic connections, debunks myths and transports viewers to far-flung parts of the globe in a way that almost feels anthropological. As Jordan writes, “Three hours later and my mind is racing between philosophical questions about the state of hauntology we generationally entrap ourselves in, wanting to buy every single one of the 100+ films referenced here, and being just a bit in awe of Janisse’s truly breathless work.” An encyclopedic forest worth losing yourself in—get ready for those watchlists to balloon. Winner of the SXSW Midnighters Audience Award. —AY

Introducing, Selma Blair Directed by Rachel Fleit

There’ll likely be some level of hype when this intimate collaboration between actress Selma Blair and filmmaker Rachel Fleit comes out later in the year on Discovery+, and that’s okay, because that is Blair’s intention in sharing the details of her stem-cell transplant for multiple sclerosis. There’d be little point in going there if you are not prepared to really go there, and Introducing, Selma Blair is a tics-and-all journey not just into what life is like with a chronic condition, a young son, and a career that relies on one’s ability to keep a straight face. It’s also an examination of the scar tissue of childhood, the things we are told by our parents, the ideas we come to believe about ourselves. “I almost felt like I shouldn’t have such intimate access to some of the footage in this documentary,” writes Andy Yen. “Bravo to Selma for allowing the filmmakers to show some truly raw and soul-bearing videos about her battle with multiple sclerosis that make us feel as if we are as close to her as family.” —GG

Femme Directed by Sam H. Freeman and Ng Choon Ping

I May Destroy You fans, rejoice: Paapa Essiedu, who played Arabella’s fascinating best friend Kwame, takes center stage in Sam H. Freeman and Ng Choon Ping’s intoxicating short film Femme. It’s a simple premise—Jordan, a femme gay man, follows his drug dealer (Harris Dickinson, mastering the sexually repressed brusque young man like no one else) home to pick up some goods on a night out. Except, of course, it’s not that simple. The co-directors build a world of danger, tension and electricity, with lusciously lensed scenes that lose focus as the threat rises. Frankie calls it “hypnotizing and brutal and gorgeous” and we couldn’t agree more. A crime thriller wrestling with hyper-masculinity seen through the eyes of an LGBTQ+ character, with a sucker-punch ending to boot, the world needs more than twenty minutes of this story. —EK

Play It Safe Directed by Mitch Kalisa

If you (unwisely) thought that the vulnerable, progressive environment of drama school would be a safe space for Black students, Play It Safe confirms that even a liberal bunch of actors (and their teacher) are capable of being blind to their own egregiously racist microagressions. Mitch Kalisa’s excellent short film explores structural prejudice head-on, in an electric acting exercise that rests on where the kinetic, gritty 16mm camera is pointing at every pivotal turn. At first, we’re with Black drama student Jonathan Ajayi as he receives the assignment; then we are with the rest of the class, exactly where we need to be. “Literally in your face and absolutely breathtaking,” writes Nia. A deserving winner of the SXSW Grand Jury and Audience narrative shorts prizes. —GG

Follow the Festiville team on Letterboxd

[pattswriting]

unnoticed | newt x reader

title:unnoticed

pairing: newt x reader

type: fluff/kinda angst

warnings: mentions of blood, suicide, guns

prompt: everyone around you notice your affection and feelings towards newt, exept said boy.

songs recommendetions: miss americana & heartbreak prince by taylor swift, i wanna be yours by arctic monkeys, if i could fly by one direction, fine line by harry styles, i love you by billie eillish, mirrors by justin timberlake, sweater weather by james harris

a/n my first newt imagine, i tried my hardest! sleep well, have a good day and drink water!

edit: i posted it on my main blog before, thought it might be better on here.

***

NEWT didn’t notice. He never noticed the glances you’d give him, longing stares or how sparkles formed in your eyes, whenever you saw him. But Frypan did. He always watched your person in front of blonde boy, thinking how he could be so blind, when it was so obvious.

“He’s such a slinthead” said Fry one day at the bonfire. You furrowed your eyebrows looking at your friend. “ I mean, you give him those eyes and he still reminds blind”. You didn’t say anything. Just glanced at Newt, again.

HE didn’t notice. He never saw how you managed to fix your hair or shirt, when someone said he’s coming towards your way. But Winston did. And never lost a chance to laugh at you or tease, because he knew what was going on.

“You literally look the same everyday. He’s seen you like this million times. It’s like your hands have magic inside of them, that will make you look like a princess, suddenly.” said Winston as Newt went back to work.

“Slim it, Win” you said embarrased knowing, that it was riddiculous. But you couldn’t help it. Newt had that effect on you.

CHUCK got used to your talk, eventually. After two years, he got used to be greeted in the morning with little morning and question if he saw Newt. When it was dinner, he got used to your drooling over second-in-command. Or when you were pranking Gladers, he knew you will immadietly say to not doing anything to Newt. And, of course, he knew at the bed time, you would say how much you liked him.

“I’m telling you (Y/N), one day you will get married and have seven children” said chubby boy resting next to you.” Why so much? Having to take care of sixty boys it’s enough” you said and both of you laughed. He really did wish you a good life with blonde boy.

BOY found himself watching you, closely. He saw your panicked eyes, your shaking hands. Your faster breathe and how you were practically running from one place to another. Alby didn’t want you to see Newt, like that. He also knew the said boy didn’t want either.

“You’ll be okay Newt, everything will be alright. We will fix you. I will fix you. I promise, just don’t leave me, please. I can’t...I can’t loose you. Not you.” you keep saying as you and Minho tried to bear boy’s wounds. His leg was broken in three places and blood streamed down his face.

“It was an accident. Please, don’t worry” Alby said after you treated Newt. You shaked your head, tears kept coming down from your eyes.

“I perfectly know, Alby. I know, what would get him to be injured like that. It’s not nothing. We have to take care of him. Be there for him. I swear on my life, he will survive and he will live happy life” you said with determination. Alby knew since then, that you would give up your own life for blonde boy. You almost did.

BROWN-HAIRED BOY thought it must feel amazing. To love someone this much. To feel pure happiness and love to one person. Thomas was fascinated by your feelings. He always caught himself thinking, how is it, that his best friend doesn’t feel this energy coming from you.

“How does it feel like?” he asked one night, when it was your guys turn to watch the surrodings at the Scorch. You looked at him confused. “To feel so strong emotions and yet, never saying anything” he added. You were silent for a moment. You didn’t know either.”There wasn’t really time to acknowledge it. That’s all.”

YOU were terrified. First you were running from Grievers, then WICKED and now, the Cranks. You asked yourself, when will it stop? But whatever happened, you always were able to hold Newt’s hand. Or his arm. Or part of his shirt. Even when there was some peace, you still had the urge to touch him, somehow. You needed to feel him. To know, he is right beside you. He is safe. 

MINHO noticed it. Every time. At first, he thought it’s odd. But then, he realized how you felt. Wondered, what was on his best friend mind. 

“ It’s kinda cute, you know” he said, while you all were sitting at the Cliff watching Aris and the girls. ”You hold hands so often, I’d think you are dating”. Newt laughed it off and let go of your hand, just to elbow you with a smirk.

“We got these shunks to think we’re a think, (Y/N). The best irony in my life” blonde boy said shaking his head. You didn’t say anything, just smiled at all of them. They looked at you sympatrically. What could you say? 

THE GIRL was smirking, whenever she looked at you two. You were blindly in love with the boy, standing next to you. There wasn’t a moment where you weren’t next to him. Either it was your group discussing rescue plan for Minho or working or eating, your place was next to him.

“Sometimes, I think it’s creepy.” said your best friend sitting along with you at the sand. “What is?” you asked with a smile. She smirked.”How you always are by Newt’s side. It’s probably nothing weird to both of you, but from ours perspective, it really looks amusing, even” she answered, looking straight at you. Blood rushed to your cheeks as you laughed.

“Yeah well, I can’t help it. It’s something that feels right, you know? Like, it should be like that.” you said. Your gaze went to find blonde boy talking with Thomas. Brenda followed you, couldn’t help but smile. She really, really prayed you would confess your feelings finally. From what you and others have been saying, among Minho, Thomas and Fry, you’ve been in love with Newt what it seems, for three years. It pained her to know, how deep you had to hide it. She also felt furious. Not at you, of course. At the boy, who was painfully obvious to your feelings. He didn’t notice small details, that showed how much you loved him.

“I CAN’T SHUCKING BELIEVE IT” said Gally when you walked side by side through the tunnel. He wouldn’t admit it, but felt disappointed and kind of surprised. He knew you and Newt for so long, saw your eyes, your smile, your body language. The way you acted around blonde boy. You had to be goddamn stupid, to not know that you were in love. And yet, you didn’t say a single word. And Newt didn’t see any of that.

“You really want to tell me, that you and him are still friends?” boy looked at you with disbelief. You turned behind to see, if Thomas and Newt don’t hear you.

“I guess. I mean, we always were friends.” you said quietly. Gally rolled his eyes.

“ It doesn’t mean you have to remain like this forever.” he commented with cheesy smile. You laughed and shook your head. “I’m not sure if this is a moment and place to confessions.” you said after a while.

“You’ve been saying it for a years now. It’s been cute at the beginning, seriously. But now, it hurts doesn’t it? What I am saying is, you shouldn’t waste any time. You might not have it a lot.” said Gally with symphaty and worry in his eyes.

“What are you talking about?” you asked not knowing how to proces his words. He didn’t say anything. Part of you didn’t need him to.

SHE looked sadly at her old friend. They didn’t have to tell her. She knew. Newt was infected. She glanced at you. You were looking at him with teary, worried eyes, clinging onto his arm, like always.When she was in WICKED, she couldn’t help but wonder, if she didn’t betray Thomas like that, would two of them be like you and Newt?

“He’s the love of your life, isn’t he?” she asked, getting your chip out of your neck. You didn’t say anyting. There was nothing to say.

“The serum you have….It won’t save him. You know that” you remained silent. Tears came to your eyes but you didn’t say anything. Thomas noticed the change in your facial expression. “I think that’s enough.” he said getting you away from her. He knew exactly what was that about. Of course he noticed. But him? He was to busy with his thoughts. Thoughts that were killing him, slowly.

“PLEASE (Y/N) JUST LISTEN TO ME” raven-haired girl practically yelled at you. “You know he doesn’t have much time. But I can help him. We can save him. I just need to test Thomas’ blood.” said Teresa pleading with her eyes towards you. Normally, you would laughed at her face. But this time, it was different. It was about Newt. You looked at him, almost crying. He was already looking at you, shaking his head. Without breaking the stare, you asked a question:

“Will you save him?” your voice was shaking, you saw how Newt looked at you  confused. You felt Thomas sharp voice; “You can’t be serious, (Y/N)”. You still were looking at Newt. You hoped your eyes would tell him something, your lips weren’t able to.

“I know together, we will”

***

AND that’s how you were running again. But this time, with needle in your hand and Teresa by your side. Corridors were almost empty, just doctors evacuating. Every guard was now just were The Ivy Trio was. That’s why you found them without any trouble. They noticed you straight away but obviously, guards did too. You reached the boys and started running together, as bullets were flying to your side. You were so determineted, so thankful for Teresa’s resarch that you didn’t feel bullet which was now lower your ribs.

“Newt I got it, I got the cure.” you half-shouted when you all were in the room. They all looked at you like you were crazy.”Me and Teresa got it, you just have…” then you felt pain all over your body. Your legs were wobbly, head dizzy and you dropped to the floor.

“Bloody hell, (Y/N)! You’re bleeding!” said Newt kneeling next to you. You looked at him confuesd. “So what? Newt, didn’t you hear what I said? We have te cure. You’ll be okay”

“You literally was shot and even then, you still worry about this shuckface.” said Minho with disbelief. You just looked at blonde boy with the biggest smile despite the pain, killing you inside.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” said Newt taking the needle from your hand and putting it to the pocket. You didn’t look happy like few seconds before.

“What the hell? You have to take it, now.” you said completely ignoring Thomas and Minho who were now, breaking the big glass in front of them.

“(Y/N), are you insane? Your life is on an edge and you are asking me, to take the needle? Shouldn’t you worry about yourself first?” he said trying to stop the bleeding. Teresa slowly put you on your legs, as you had to jump.

“When you love someone more than yourself, you care about them more.” you mumbled. He just looked at you. Still, you thought, he didn’t notice..”

“Are you sure about that?” asked Minho looking at Thomas worried.

“Not really.” said boy. Newt frowned.”Great. We’re all bloody inspired”

As he said that, door opened. The four of you looked behind, you too tired to well, actually care. Then you felt youself falling down and then, into the unconsciousness.

AS YOU OPENED YOUR EYES, you were convinced that you died and are in some kind of after life. You stand and went outside. The first thing you noticed, was ocean. You smiled and walked towards it. Your mind was so mesmerized, that you didn’t notice Newt’s big smile when he saw you are awake. This time you didn’t notice. As he walked as fast as he could, to be by your side. How he ignored Minho’s snarky comment “about time, shank”. How he shoved everyone from his path, just to get to you. How his eyes were ony on you. How he sat by your side, not saying anything. How the minute he looked at you, he remembered your words about love. How he mentally punched himself in the face for not noticing your signs. Finally realizing why Gally was so pissed at him. Why Thomas smiled at him like that. Why Minho gave him speech about being slinthead. Why Frypan laughed at him. Why Brenda was smirking when she saw him heading to you.

“I know it now, love. I noticed.” he said looking at you. You were already looking at him. With those eyes. This smile. You reached his hand and interwined your fingers together.

“Thank you for saving me. For all these years.” Newt said kissing your knuckles. You chuckled.”Of course, Newt. You know I will always do that.”

He was by your side. All was well.

[leznup]

Lesbian [Talk Show] - LeZ'N Up - Dating Stories

Stories from Conservative Closets

The hunger and thirst for LGBTQ content was strong with me and if you understand or grew up hiding in your gay closet, you know the temptation will always be a risk. What if someone sees you looking at books in that section? That's the sad truth of being a questioning youth. In order to discover who you are you have to risk being exposed and for some it's too much. We discuss how the fear of others reaction to PDA has an effect on Lesbian relationships. Even being out of the closet has it's restrictions when it comes to being okay with how the public treats lesbians and PDA. The gaze of men, haters, being outed in your community, etc. can all be obstacles for LGBTQ+ relationships.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEI5PkC6eCQ

Published on March 22, 2019

Dating and Going to Pride in the USA

Stephanie highlights some of the great Pride events she's attended on the West and East Coast. Nicole discusses some of the amazing Pride events of the Southeast side of the USA. Pride is an LGBTQIA+ festival. Events during the festival are all over the globe. Communities celebrate diversity through parades, exhibits, films, and of course parties! Join us as we talk about some of our memories from Pride. Share some of your exciting pride stories in the comments below. Have you ever been to a Pride event in your city? We speak briefly on dating as a Lesbian. Stephanie talks about the difficult task and knowing who is or isn't Lesbian. Nicole reminisces about her dating years before she was married.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAPzShnmpEA

Published on April 5, 2019

Dating Stories

Finally telling real lesbian dating stories! Stephanie is sharing some dating stories this episode. We hear about her Tinder date and her amazing luck at the gay bars in Portland. I also throw out some terrible date ideas. We discuss some interesting dating spots in big cities like Atlanta and Portland. How do we feel about Zodiac signs and dating? Do you search for certain signs while dating? Stephanie talks about the Virgo life and if her first date was interested in moving forward with her. What is your favorite LGBTQ bar in Portland? Share some of your wild stories in the comments!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xb1v3q_0FXo

Published on April 17, 2019

Bedroom Stories

We are talking about what goes down in the bedroom. Stephanie continues sharing the details of her date with a woman she met at the gay bar. We discuss Lesbian top and bottom dynamics in sex and celebrate switch hitters. We talk about dating apps and how polygamous relationships compare to open relationships and monogamous ones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tjh9yoOL9Xk

Published on April 18, 2019

Finding Your Soulmate

Stephanie asks how Nicole knew she wanted to start a monogamous relationship with her wife instead of another open relationship with a new woman. Nicole tells Stephanie about meeting her wife and falling in love. How do you know you've found the one? Nicole discusses the difference between her relationship with her wife and past women she's dated.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_V4xtharZI

Published on April 19, 2019

Finding Lovers & Friends

Nicole gives her strategy for finding lesbians in the wild. Stephanie shares how fun it is to hang out with gay males as an alternative to hanging out with lesbians. We tell stories about going to lesbian events and bars alone vs going with a crew of lesbian friends. Tune in for a glimpse into the struggle to find lovers and friends in the lesbian community.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRcJcljmY2g

Published on May 1, 2019

Virgin Sex and Dating

Everyone has to start somewhere! Join Stephanie and Nicole discussing the first time they had sex as lesbians. Stephanie also gives us an update on her lesbian dating life as it heats up and continues in Portland. Will she ever find a woman that doesn't sneak out before the sun comes up? Does the media portray losing your virginity and first times wrong? Join in the comments and share how you feel about orchestrated sex scenes and what it's actually like to have sex for the first time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJ4HZLWCN2M

Published on May 3, 2019

Useless Lesbians

The phrase "useless lesbian" has become a funny meme but is it harmful? Stephanie and Nicole talk about what it's like to feel like a useless lesbian. Useless lesbian is often defined as a lesbian who wouldn't recognize if a woman is into her even if its obvious. We talk about rejection, flirting with women, and giving compliments that don't feel creepy to both parties. Have you ever felt like a useless lesbian? Join us in the comments and tell your story.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHu7S_8W4GM

Published on May 8, 2019

Queer Sexuality Part 1

Our first guest joins us to talk about Queer sexuality. Kyrstin (Portland) is joining us and sharing her journey to identifying as Queer. We ask her all the questions we have about what Queer means to her and how living and identifying as Queer has impacted her life. She gives us an amazing introduction into Queer topics. We discuss bisexuality, pansexuality, and how she feels about the term homoflexible. What does being Queer mean to you? What does the term mean to you and your community? Make sure to subscribe so you don't miss Part 2 of this discussion and all our other entertaining episodes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YF7YjZLSqt4

Published on May 13, 2019

Queer Sexuality Part 2

Part 2 of our discussion into Queer sexuality. Kyrstin (Portland) is joining us and sharing her journey to identifying as Queer. We talk about the different situations where identifying as Queer would include a variety of different presenting humans. We discuss bisexuality, pansexuality, and how she feels about the term homoflexible. What does being Queer mean to you? What does the term mean to you and your community? Check out Part 1 as well to continue the topic of Queer sexuality.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6YUxidEe0E

Published on May 14, 2019

My Ex Changed Her Name

Nicole's first girlfriend joins the show to talk about how she changed her name. This is great if you're thinking about changing your name or want to hear a story about something you've never done before. We discuss how she came up with her new name (Justin), her fears, and the different situations that developed. Have you ever introduced yourself and used a different name? Are you thinking of or have you changed your name?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1sEp_h5t8k

Published on May 20, 2019

My Ex is Bisexual

Part 2 of The Talking to My Ex GF series is here and it's Bisexual. Stephanie, Justin, and I talk about how bisexuals are viewed in the LGBT+ community. Justin discusses what it means to be bisexual now while she is in a heterosexual relationship and what it was like coming to terms with bisexuality. Are you struggling with identifying as bi or any other sexuality? Are you interested in how someone decides or arrives at the decision to be another sexuality?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5QrQF2RLkM

Published on June 8, 2019

Operation Gemini

Stephanie shares the legend of Operation Gemini. Lesbian Zodiac Killer, Sex, Love, Instagram PI Work, Murder Mysteries, and the one Nicole calls Carmen San Diego. We get into a play by play about the ups and downs of what we thought was Tinder magic but turned into a dumpster fire. Of course we briefly talk about horoscopes and how we always surround ourselves with the same signs. Nicole asks Stephanie to describe her perfect girl and talk about how important it is to find someone who is honest. Is Carmen San Diego playing games? Is it hard to be honest during the dating process? How does everyone feel about Murder?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQOAvNz5Mpc

Published on June 14, 2019

Operation Gemini Part 2

The legend of Operation Gemini continues. As if she couldn't do any worst she tops the charts with the worst texts of all time combined with late-night self-centered dates. Stephanie replays the last mission with Gemini and the disappointment that is dating in 2019. Lesbian Zodiac Killer, Sex, Love, Instagram PI Work, Murder Mysteries, and the one Nicole calls Carmen San Diego. We get into a play by play about the ups and downs of what we thought was Tinder magic but turned into a dumpster fire. Is Carmen San Diego looking for casual or disposable sex? Is it hard to be honest during the dating process? Is this op finally done?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFrLfG8WBD0

Published on June 26, 2019

Lesbian Squad Goals

We can't be the only ones dreaming of that perfect lesbian friend group. Tune in to hear Stephanie's idea of the most diverse lesbian squad and Nicole's lesbian run utopian town. We are talking lesbian energy, friend groups, and as always how hard it is to find lesbian friends and lovers. Are you friends with people of one sexuality over another? Would you live in a town populated with only one kind of sexuality? What does your perfect squad look like?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3g3bMqvMTk

Published on August 2, 2019

Femme Lesbian Struggles

The #femmelesbian struggle is real and we speak about it in this episode of the podcast. Femme Lesbians often talk about how they are erased in the world and community. Could it be the link between heterosexuality and femme women’s style? What are femme lesbians able to do to get others to know they are a part of the QBLTIA+ community? Check out the video and let’s get a conversation going about our femme sisters.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvUBacKuO_0

Published on August 9, 2019

Dating Turn Offs

Can one be satisfied with getting laid even if their partners do not excite them? Is the myth women only like bad choices true? A short pow wow between Stephanie and Nicole reveals Stephanie is aware she goes for the worst women but just finds so much pleasure in the chase. Can she change her choosey ways and find a good stable woman to tame her wild way?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYiCJEWApYg

Published on August 31, 2019

Bisexual Celibacy

Can a person be naked in the heat of passion and identify with the lifestyle choice of Celibacy? Stephanie shares an interesting story about a night with a Bisexual friend. She met this friend from the totally reliable dating app Bubble. Celibacy is defined by the iPhone 11 as the state of abstaining from marriage and sexual relations. Is that what had happened lol? Have you or have you ever met someone who has been successful with Celibacy? How does everyone feel about Bisexuals being top tier on the show?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPA_PFb_k7g

Published on September 20, 2019

WTF 2020

Stephanie in Portland and Nicole in Atlanta sit down and talk about where the world is with the Covid-19 virus. Part I in the series we talk about how we are handling the virus right now. How is everyone handling the virus and being in quarantine? Have you shared the show with anyone?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2isgCr1woU

Published on April 10, 2020

GROSS STORIES

Part II in the series we talk about what isolation has done to the whole 2020 vibe and how gross people are acting. Stephanie in Portland and Nicole in Atlanta sit down and talk about where the world is with the Covid-19 virus. How is everyone handling the virus and being in quarantine? Have you shared the show with anyone?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_qExFAcwfI

Published on April 11, 2020

REAL HEROES

Thanks to Stripers, delivery persons, healthcare pros, and teachers to name a few. Part III in the series we talk about the real heroes of the Coronavirus. Stephanie in Portland and Nicole in Atlanta sit down and talk about where the world is with the Covid-19 virus. We talk about creative ways to reach out to people and connect in a time of social distancing. How is everyone handling the virus and being in quarantine? Have you shared the show with anyone?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ5N75kaUV4

Published on April 12, 2020

SELF LOVE

It's important to keep your mental health strong and your spirits up in these hard times. Part IV in the series we talk about things to pass the time and keep people out of depression. Stephanie in Portland and Nicole in Atlanta sit down and talk about where the world is with the Covid-19 virus. We talk about creative ways to reach out to people and connect in a time of social distancing. How is everyone handling the virus and being in quarantine? Have you shared the show with anyone?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLudk3swzoc

Published on April 13, 2020

GOOD VIBES

There's always some good in bad situations. Part V in the series we talk about things that are good about the quarantine and our hopes for hot girl summer. Stephanie in Portland and Nicole in Atlanta sit down and talk about where the world is with the Covid-19 virus. We talk about creative ways to reach out to people and connect in a time of social distancing. How is everyone handling the virus and being in quarantine? Have you shared the show with anyone?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnOxnUmJL7k

Published on April 16, 2020

2020 Woke

What does it mean to be a "woke" person in the year 2020? We spend most of our lives working our jobs and trying to get by that we miss so much. We are sleep to the issues of the world and how trapped we are in a loop so we can ignore them. Stephanie and Nicole discuss the awakening of the masses because of the lack of 40 hour work week. Now that everyone can pay attention to what's going on in the world what will they do with this new knowledge? Do you stay asleep afraid of the change that could set you and others free?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19IcQHyZaoc

Published on June 15, 2020

Protest Gemini

Long time fans of the show should know if you see the word Gemini in the title it's going to be a crazy one. The Gemini Magnet Stephanie of course has another encounter with a Gemini. Who would have guessed it's the original murder she wrote Gemini herself?!? Stephanie recounts seeing Gemini Carmen again while out of quarantine and also seeing all her past hott girl summer flings. Can she be proud of how she handled running into an old hookup? Is running into Gemini Carmen a sign of the times?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smh6x5jq-PE

Published on June 16, 2020

Racist Parents

Growing up a minority in America is hard. A lot of children grow up being prepared for a racist world by racist parents. Racism is such a parasite it is in everyone. Racism isn't just a black and white issue, it’s an issue within each race. Racism is taught and it can be so hidden a person can't recognize it until they have the knowledge of something different. Stephanie and Nicole discuss cultural differences with our parents and the difficulties with mixed-matched morals. Shouldn't you trust the people who you love and you think care about you? Is their judgement always right and best for you? How do you tell them they are wrong and have a conversation?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQttekUA24g

Published on June 17, 2020

All Protest Matter

How are some people allowed to protest with guns and other protests are controlled by Police violence and Police using guns? This episode Stephanie and Nicole talk about the protests going in Atlanta Georgia and Portland Oregon for the Black Lives Matter Movement. We share stories about the protests, police force on people of color, and how racism needs to talked about and people need to wake up and educate themselves. Is it enough to just not be racist? Should you know the history of racism so that you can educate others and know how to combat it when the time comes?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ny_wS-Nw-UA

Published on June 18, 2020

BLM Protest Matter

Racism, protests, looting, brutality, and who knows what's next. Stephanie and Nicole discuss the horror that is 2020 and the treatment of people during peaceful protests. Hear stories from the protests in Atlanta and Portland. Stephanie and Nicole discuss the heated topic of racism is America right now. Views about the Black Lives Matter Movement being the most important news, racism within the community, stories from protests, personal racist encounters, and more come up in this series. As people of color, Stephanie and Nicole offer their unique perceptive on what it means to be experiencing this important moment in our history. How does everyone feel about the protests? What about the police state we call America? Any police sad about the way your profession is treating Black people and everyone in general? Let's peacefully discuss what's going on right now in the comments below?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxsfq-Z3lOE

Published on June 19, 2020

Wuz Up 2020

2020 the Coronavirus, Covid - 19, call it what you want, it's still around and dangerous in the USA. This isn't a normal catching up show. Stephanie and Nicole discuss masks, protests, and what's going on in Atlanta Georgia and in Portland Oregon. Is it easy to get a test in your community? Has the Pandemic changed your job for the worst? Are people being too cautious and this is all a hoax? Let's talk about the worst time in history in the comments below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asW_WWhcEXA

Published on September 26, 2020

2020 Dating Rules

2020 the Coronavirus, Covid - 19, call it what you want, it's still around and dangerous in the USA. This isn't a normal dating story show. Stephanie and Nicole discuss masks during dates, dating ideas, and the important questions to consider before entering the dating field in 2020. Stephanie shares her concerns with dating during the pandemic and the more serious terms. Do you think it's risky to date while Covid-19 so easy to catch? Can we trust strangers to be honest about how they are preventing coronavirus transmission? Let have a weird sterile discussion about the virus and dating during this Pandemic in the comments below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clvB1-gIkqo

Published on September 30, 2020

Dating Bipolar

My wife and I worked at the same restaurant for two years before we started dating. Discovering the love of your life right under your nose is one thing but finding out she is bipolar is another. Stephanie and Nicole talk about what it's like to date someone with Bipolar Disorder. I talk about if given the chance again would I continue to date and fall in love with my wife. Would a serious physical or mental disorder change how you feel and your relationship with someone you're dating? Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who had major health obstacle in their life?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wd6U_DJaBgs

Published on October 4, 2020

Fire 2020

2020 is still hitting hard. Stephanie and Nicole talk about the new way society is in 2020. We are catching up on what it's like in the job market in 2020 and the bizarre ways you can get the fire stamp from a job in 2020. Nicole talks about her family in Georgia and what they are going through at work in 2020. We want everyone to remember how important mental help is in 2020. Everyone is struggling 2020 so we need ways to figure how to deal with an increase in major situations.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1dzHdV2rHc

Published on October 11, 2020

Leave 2020

Is the USA a huge conspiracy or is our news media feeding us hoax after hoax? Stephanie and Nicole talk about why California is just a fire zone for the new 5G tower state and other crazy conspiracies that make us want to leave the USA. We discuss the land down under and Canada as the new options to start our all Queer utopia. What kind of crazy conspiracies have you heard? Is it safe to stay in the USA or should all Queer folk leave? If we do leave where would we migrate and start a new society?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvKKfdiaPJM

Published on October 17, 2020

Help 2020

So many people need help in 2020. The year is still hitting hard. Stephanie and Nicole talk about how things are still changing in 2020. We are shouting out to the people and jobs that have be giving us life and help in 2020. We talk about the future and how covid-19 is going to shape what 2020 and beyond is going to be like for society. We talk about the vaccine and the fight for a breaking point in covid-19 and the struggle in 2020. We talk about the future of 2020 in this show, what are your predictions for the rest of 2020? Will you be getting the vaccine in 2020?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLzCMXaaeJM

Published on October 24, 2020

[jadedlavendergemini]

As Promised

Summary: If you were to ask Emma Moore how out of control her life became just before the apocalypse, she would have told you how she had never seen it coming. How she fell for someone that she should have avoided at all cost and how she had no control of any of it in anyway possible. Of course she had no clue of her own ‘destiny’. Michael Langdon x OC

A/N: Sorry for the wait! I just started back at my second job and things have been crazy. I want to thank everyone for the positive feedback. I’m so happy so many of you enjoy my writing. If anyone would liked to be tagged in the next update, just let me know! Also I am STILL posting from my phone’

Tag list: @7-wonders @fallenangeldreamer @plymptxn @fckinsupreme

Part one here!!

——————————————————————————

Emma wasn’t always stuck in her dorm. Occasionally she did attend lessons in the classroom with the other students. She did get along fairly well with most of the students. Sometimes she was annoyed at how she was treated by other students but there were a few she liked to call friends.

Most of the time the other students were afraid of her father. John Henry tried not to show favoritism, but not that he needed to. Emma was treated as fair as his other students. He was thankful Behold felt the same way. He felt proud of her progress since her powers first showed. The two agreed that she would better off residing in Hawthorne than Robichauxs. To them, Cordelia was just dangerous. She attracted danger like a magnet.

Three times Cordelia tried to reach out to him in regards to his daughter. She insisted that Emma would excel and grow with her fellow witches. And every time he would tell her no. He wanted her close by at all times. The fear of losing her to some freak accident caused by Cordelia or any of her girls haunted his thoughts often.

She never put up an argument about Robichauxs, she was comfortable where she was. She was a good kid, Behold always told him. She had her fair share of anxiety so naturally giving her her own space was good.

Ariel and Baldwin detested the idea of her attending the school. They argued with John Henry for at least three hours before giving in and laying down the rules. At this time Behold had his back and agreed to help teach the young witch. And she proved herself almost immediately to the instructors. In no time she was already considered at level three.

She was currently sitting in the class room with a few students listening to one of Behold’s lectures. She had paid attention for the first half but towards the end, she felt a strange, low vibration in her skull. Her head aches as she presses her finger tips to her temples.

“You good?” She looked to her left. Edward, another one of the nicer students asks.

Emma nodded. “Yeah, just a headache.”

He just nods and returns his attention back to their instructor, but she cannot focus. All she can do is close her eyes and wait for it to stop.

By the time the lesson was over, Emma noticed that the constant buzzing in the back of her head had stopped. She followed the rest of the class out of the room and into the halls toward the private wing of the school.

She was caught off guard when a strong force knocked the two books out of her arms. When she stopped and looked up, she was met with the faces of three male students who stood to the side of the hallway.

“Sorry ‘bout that, Emma.” Thomas Albershaugh said. Thomas Albershaugh was one of the few students that gave the young witch a hard time. His friends Erik and Justin did just about the same.

Erik used his foot to push off the wall where he had been leaning and approached her. “Let me get that for you.”

Emma glared as he reaches down, picked up both books and place them back in her waiting hands. Before she could turn to walk away and not bother to make a smart comment, once again the books went flying out of her hands by an unseen force. Most likely made by Justin or Thomas.

“Oops.” Justin laughed as Erik stepped around Emma. By this point many of the other students had stopped to watch.

Emma rolled her eyes. “Very mature, assholes.”

“Why don’t you bend over and pick them up for us?” Thomas laughed. “Give us a show.”

The witch now self consciously gripped the ends of her black dress Skirt to make sure it was pulled down. Hesitate steps were taken to where the books had landed right in front of the morons themselves. She slowly bent her knees and with her right arm, she extends it to grab them, while the other hand is holding onto the skirt to prevent any kind of ‘show’ she was teased about.

Just as her hand gripped one of the books, another unseen force knocked her down completely. Luckily for Emma, her skirt kept down, but The boys laughed and she swore she heard other student whistle.

And in that moment, she felt pure rage. Nothing like what she had felt before. Before, she would just walk back to dorm and cry with frustration, but today that was not the case. She remained sitting on the floor and glared at the three boys. Her heart raced and hands formed into fists. Before she could intentionally hex them, Thomas went flying back into the wall, his head made contact with the wall with a loud thud. Erik’s head flew back as if he had been punched directly in the nose and Jared was thrown face down onto the cement floor.

Just like that, all the laughter and whistling stopped. The students became silent, some whispering as they stared at the three boys and the witch. It took Emma a good minute to realize what had just happened. Her eyes stayed glued to Thomas in shock as he lay there, not moving. She was in such shock, she didn’t even hear Behold’s voice

Behold had just entered the hall from the class room to see what noises he was hearing from the students. He slowly pushed his way through the students to see Three students, the troublemakers he knew they were, laying on the ground. He followed the other student’s stares to Emma who was currently sitting opposite of the boys, avoiding eye contact with the instructor.

“Alright, what’s going on?” John Henry made his way out next. He immediately stopped when he saw everyone, including Emma.

As he made his way quickly to his daughter, one of the students answered. “Emma kicked their asses!” More students chimed in. “She didn’t even touch them!”

“Out of the hallway now! Get back to your dorms, shows over.” Behold directed the students out and began checking on the three boys who were luckily still alive. His eyes moved to Emma who finally looked away from them but remained seated. “What in the hell happened?”

Erik sat up, blood coating his hands as he held his nose. “She’s a fucking Psycho that’s what happened!”

“You started it, asshole!” She shot back, her fathers hand grasped her shoulder.

John Henry rolled his eyes. “Alright, well we’re ending it right now.” He helped pull her to her feet. “You, young lady are to go and clean yourself up and go back to your room. We’ll discuss this later.”

Emma followed her fathers words and left as Behold and her father tried to get the other three students taken care of. She replayed the event in her head over and over trying to understand how she did it. She didn’t even recall uttering a word to pull that off.

As she finally made it to her dorm, she tried to find a simple explanation to what it could have been. And what was she going to tell her father? She had no idea.

Closing the door behind her, she made her way to her bathroom. She needed to shower, might help her relax after her embarrassing throw down. She let the water warm up in the shower as she stripped off her uniform. Only looking up at the mirror once does she realize what she looks like right now.

Dried blood that stuck to her right nostril, perhaps from all that energy she released on those boys? Great, now she does look like a psycho that Erik had claimed her to be.

‘What the actual fuck?’ She thought to herself, taking a cloth nearby, wetting it with the tap and using it to clean the blood.

——————————————————————————

Not too long after her shower, Emma was changed into her night clothes. She had already dried her dirty blonde waves and was currently resting on her bed with her spell book in hand. She was trying to distract herself from the fact her father was going to demand what or how she pulled off what had happened earlier.

The sound of her door opening held her attention, closing her book and placing it gently on the night stand. Her father made his way into the room and took a seat opposite from her at the desk. Facing him, she noticed how stressed he seemed to look. She must have pissed off Ariel.

Looking at his daughter, John was the first to speak.“I just finished speaking with Ariel and Baldwin. Ariel is beyond furious to know that a witch, whom he allows to study here, attacked three of his level 2 warlocks.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “It’s not like they’re dead-“

“That’s not the point, Emma. Two boys have broken noses and Thomas has a concussion and a possible skull fracture. I don’t know which spell you used, but you have caused them some serious harm. Ariel and Behold are going to have to deal with the parents.” He sounded almost frightened himself. “I need to know, from you, what happened?

The girl nodded, looking down to her feet dangling off the bed. “I was leaving class and they were picking on me. Well, it was more like sexual harassment and usually I can ignore them but they knocked the books out of my hands and then me.” Her voice started to crack. “I was just so angry, I guess. I was trying to think of something to do and then it just happened. I don’t know what I did.”

John nodded. “Well, like I said Ariel wasn’t very happy but I was able to talk him down. He wanted to have you expelled but I opted something else. Probation.” Emma looked confused. “Dorm lessons only. No classes, no library. You’ll either eat your meals in my office or in here.”

“But, for how long?” She asked.

He stood from the chair, arms crossed over his chest. “Until Ariel says it’s over. Emma, I am sticking up for you as best as I can. But you have got to meet me half way here, okay? This attacking other students stuff? Never again.”

“It won’t.” She promised.

John nodded. “Alright we’ll, get some rest. Behold will be in first thing for your lessons tomorrow.”

And with that he was gone. Emma Laos back onto the bed and sighed. It was going to be a long probation.

——————————————————————————

For the rest of the week Emma was adjusting to her new schedule. Wake up and change, classes held in her dorm with either Behold or her father, eat lunch in her dorm, study in her dorm, and eat dinner... in her dorm. She was beginning to feel lonely. She wanted just to visit the library, but received the same answer every time. She was sick of the same books she was given by her father.

It was around 10 O’clock on a Friday when Emma had given up on following those rules. All instructors had turned in for the night and students as well so there was no way she’d be caught. She wrapped herself in a thick cardigan and made her way quietly out of her dorm. She was sure to keep an eye out as she tip toed her way through the secluded hallways of Hawthorne.

Once she made it to the poorly lit room, she made herself at home. Grabbing the first book she found on hexes. She wanted to know exactly what had happened to those boys and what she did exactly to cause it. She sat curled up on the plush cushions of the couch and read through multiple chapters. She was so focused, she let her guard down and didn’t even notice the other presence enter the room.

“Do you always hang out in the library this late?” She jumped and turned around in shock, but relaxed once she saw that it was Michael.

She carefully raised a finger to her lips with a smile. “Not really, but I didn’t really have a choice.”

Michael made his way into the library, he still wore his uniform but without the jacket, tie abandoned and sleeves rolled up. He took a seat next to her on the couch. “Haven’t seen you in a while. The word in class is that you got expelled.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “Almost. I’m on ‘probation’. Which means that I’m basically stuck in my room.”

“So you snuck out,” he smiled, adding on. “Look at you.”

She looked away, trying to hide her blush. But Michael has already seen it. “So, how bad is the gossip?”

Michael shrugged, leaning back more into the cushions. “That you kicked that kid’s ass. Sorry I missed it, heard it was ‘messy’.”

“I didn’t do ‘anything’.” She confessed. “At least I don’t think I did. I honestly can’t figure it out.”

“Well did they upset you, right? Maybe it was just your emotions lashing out? That’s what I did when I-“ he stopped.

“When you what?” She asked, closing her book softly.

“When Ariel found me, I was in jail. I was protecting someone I care about and well, I accidentally killed him. They arrested me and the cop wanted me to confess so he started to beat me and again, I lashed out. I didn’t even know I could do that. The point is I think our emotions play a big role in what we can do. That and that Thomas kid seemed like an ass.”

Emma nodded. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

It grew quiet between the two. While Emma thought more about what he had told her, Michael took this time to observe her. She looked different in her comfortable pajamas than in her Hawthorne uniform, not that he mind. The fire from the fireplace illuminated the skin of her bare legs and her cardigan slightly open, showing a her thin camisole top. Her long hair curled and shaped her face and laid past her shoulders.

He flicked his eyes back to her face only to find hers on him. She slowly wrapped the cardigan around her a little tighter and sighed. It only just occurred to her that not only had she broke one of the rules for her probation, she broke her father’s rule about Michael. Not wanting to get caught with both, she began to sit up and pick up her book.

“It’s getting late and I don’t want to get caught. I better head back,” she said standing up, book held tightly to her chest.

Michael stood immediately. “Can I walk you to your dorm?”

While Emma should have felt uncomfortable, she didn’t. Instead she felt almost flattered. She nodded and led the way. Michael smiled and followed, hands clasped behind his back.

“So, how do you like the school?” She asked, wanting to end the silence.

“It’s good, everyone is very nice. Although, I swear your father hates me.”

She smiled and shook her head. “He’s just hard on everyone and very protective of the school.”

“And you,” he added.

She nodded. “Of course.”

“What about your mother?”

Emma didn’t speak and her small smile was gone. “Uh, she died when I was two. So I don’t really remember her. So it’s just my dad and me.”

Michael could feel her emotions remain the same. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” He added quickly. “My mom tried to kill me when I was younger.”

The witch’s brow furrowed and stopped to look at him. “Oh god, I’m sorry.”

Michael only offered a small smile and shook his head. “It’s alright, she just didn’t understand who I was. But I have a foster mom, of sorts. She’s great and takes good care of me that I don’t even think about my mom.”

“Oh, well that’s good, I suppose.” She replied, beginning to walk again. Emma’s thoughts raced as she thought about what he had said. A mother attempting to kill her own child, the poor boy probably went through a lot.

They finally came to the private wing of Hawthorne and stopped. “There’s a spell on this wing so other students can’t enter so,” Emma balances on her toes. “Thanks for walking with me.”

“I really enjoy your company,” he said. “Do you think you can sneak out again sometime soon?”

“Michael I-“ she sighs. “I probably shouldn’t. I don’t want to get in trouble. Ariel already hates me and I don’t want to get expelled.” She watched his lips fall from that beautiful smile of his. And suddenly she didn’t care. It seems that she had finally made a friend, a friend she wanted to get to know more. “You know what, sure. Can we meet in the library again tomorrow night?”

“Sounds good. 10 o’clock?”

She smiles. “10 o’clock. Good Night, Michael.”

He watches as she makes her way to her door at the end of the hall and disappear. He quietly observed the corridor itself. A spell to keep students out, really? He cautiously stepped over the threshold of the hallway, waiting for something to shove him away, but nothing happens. Placing his hands behind his back once more, he quietly makes his way to her door. He can practically feel her emotions blossom into happiness. And it’s something he wants to her to feel all the time, he wants to be the one to bring out that smile of hers.

He felt pride for what she did to Thomas and his friends. Well, what he did. The second he heard those words from the boy’s mouth he wanted to snap their necks right there. But he knew he needed to keep low. So he did what anyone would do for their soulmate, he gave her energy. The warlocks believed Emma’s actions to be from her emotions, not Michael’s magic. She didn’t know it, but there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for her.

As for her father, he may need to be a little careful around. He knew John Henry was already suspicious. Nothing he or Miss Meade couldn’t handle.

[jalapeno-princess]

I Don’t Want Nobody But You

Mark Tuan X Reader

Genre: Lots of fluff

Word Count: 3.6K

Summary: Your boyfriend Mark isn’t exactly the boy your parents would’ve wanted you to date. When you bring him to your cousin’s wedding, it seems as if everyone else in your family feels the same way. But neither you or Mark care about what anyone thinks of him. The love you have for each other is the only thing that matters and as long as Mark has you, he doesn’t need anything else.

“Babe are you sure I look alright?” You snickered as you helped him fix his tie. If it were up to you, your boyfriend would be wearing his usual flannel and ripped skinny jeans. Not the uncomfortable dress shirt and very loose pair of slacks he was currently wearing. But the two of you were attending your cousin’s wedding and Mark insisted he would dress nicely in order to impress your family. Although the two of you have been together for over a year, your parents were still hesitant when it came to accepting your relationship. But you never understood why. He was always so nice to them when he came over to your house and they knew how much he loved you and took such great care of you.

 However, you were aware it had to do with appearance and class. They didn’t seem to care if Mark treated you like a princess. The only thing they cared about was how you looked to others and this upset you. Your boyfriend wasn’t the typical guy your parents probably would’ve wanted you to date. The two of you were an unlikely pair. You were the teacher’s pet and he was the school’s bad boy. However, when your teacher assigned you to tutor him, you noticed that he wasn’t all that bad.

Over the course of a few months, you found yourself falling for the handsome boy with the multiple piercings, tattoos and the death mobile people refer to as a motorcycle. After admitting his feelings to you during one of your study sessions, you were glad that you weren’t the only one who was whipped. You knocked down his walls that he took so long to build up. He was very intimidating and never batted an eye to anyone other than his friends. However, once you walked in to his life, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. Mark thought you were extremely beautiful and had the most breathtaking smile in which he found himself wanting to be the cause of it. He was so soft around you. 

Whenever the two of you would meet up for your studying sessions, he would always listen to everything you had to say and his eyes never left yours. He would always bring you something to eat to show his appreciation, open doors and pull out your chair for you, compliment you on what you were wearing and sometimes you even found him walking you to class. Even if he looked rough and scary on the outside, he was just a soft ball of fluff on the inside and you hated that people thought so negatively of him. He was your safe haven and he made you the happiest girl in the world. So you didn’t care what anyone else thought about him.

A part of you wanted to ditch the wedding and just sit at home cuddling with Mark because you knew even if Mark dressed the part, he would never reach the high standards of your family. Even before the two of you started dating, Mark didn’t think he deserved you. But that didn’t stop him from pursuing you. The love he had for you was stronger than any negative feeling someone had for him. 

“I think you look very handsome. And your lip piercing totally completes the look.” You placed a soft kiss on his lips and brought his bottom lip in between your teeth causing him to growl. Before things could escalate, you pulled away and reached up to fix his hair. “I’m sorry if anyone acts a certain way towards you tonight. If one of my family members say anything mean to you, we’re leaving. You know what babe? We don’t actually have to go to that stupid wedding we could just stay here and-“ he chuckled while placing a wet kiss on your cheek.

You felt bad that everyone looked at Mark as some kind of delinquent which he wasn’t. His physical appearance made people assume he was the typical bad boy parents warn their daughters about. When your parents found out the two of you were dating, they tried their best in convincing you to break up with him and warned you that he’d only break your heart. But you were never afraid of getting hurt. You knew Mark loved you with his entire being and that he treated you as if you were the most fragile piece of glass. Nobody needed to know how your relationship was other than the two of you. 

At school, you would hear people talking about the two of you from time and how you weren’t right for each other. Mark was a player before meeting you and you heard most of the rumors about your boyfriend. But you didn’t care. That was in the past and you wished people would mind their business. However, every time your boyfriend heard someone talking negative about either of you, he was quick to shut things down before they could continue. You found yourself in both the nurse’s office and the principal’s office on multiple occasions because of how short his temper could be but once you came in to view, he would relax immediately.

Mark did his best to change himself in order to impress you and to be a better man for you, even if you’ve told him countless times that you love him just the way he is. When you told him your cousin was getting married, he was excited to meet your family. However, deep down you knew that he wasn’t going to be a crowd favorite. 

You came from a high class family. Everyone was either a lawyer, doctor, senator or the president of a company. But you didn’t care what they would think about Mark. All you cared about was what you thought of him and you thought he was amazing. The kiss on your lips brought you out of your thoughts.

“It’ll be fine babe. Don’t worry about me. I’m a big boy. I’ll be okay no matter what they say or think of me. As long as I have you by my side I’m good. I can’t promise you that they’ll like me. I wouldn’t blame them. I mean, your parents are already iffy about me. But you’re all that matters to me. All I want is for you to be happy. I know how much you love your family so I’ll try my best to impress them with my charming good looks like I did with you.” He winked at you causing you to snicker.

“You look really beautiful by the way. Not that I’m surprised. You’re always so beautiful. You’ll probably give your cousin a run for her money. Shall we?” He reached for your hand and intertwined your fingers. 

As you walked outside, you were shocked to see his brother’s car in your garage. Time and time again, you would nag him to trade in his motorcycle for a car after he almost crashed it twice, but he would always tell you how much it was the only thing he loved other than you. You gave him a knowing look and he simply shrugged.

“I know how much you hate my motorcycle and I don’t want you having a heart attack before meeting with your family. I don’t want my in-laws having a bad impression of me before I can introduce myself.” Your heart fluttered at the sound of that. Mark always tells you how he plans on marrying you, but you were never prepared when he would mention it out of no where. You carefully ran your fingers through his hair, not wanting to mess it up.

“I love you. So much.” He grinned at you while opening your door and helping you buckle your seatbelt.

“I love you more baby. Let’s do this.” 

The ride to the hotel was nerve wrecking. You found yourself absentmindedly biting your nails and sighing every so often so your boyfriend brought the hand he wasn’t using to drive and placed it on your lap. He slowly grazed his thumb against your thigh and motioned for you to look at him.

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” You let out a long sigh.

“I don’t want them thinking negatively of you. You’re such a wonderful person. They’re not going to want to get to know you once they see your appearance and I want to apologize for them beforehand. My family..they’re nice people. Well..to the people they like. And they’re very judgmental. But it’s not you. You’re perfect and I love you for you. Okay?”

He stayed silent for a while but once he reached a stoplight, his lips were on yours. “The only person whose opinion matters to me is yours. No matter what happens tonight, I’ll be fine. I want to do this because I know it’ll make you happy. If they end up not liking me, this will be the first and last gathering I’ll go to and the only time they’ll see or hear from me is when we send out our Christmas cards. Don’t overthink too much baby. Everything will be okay.” 

Unfortunately, nothing was okay. As soon as you walked in to the ballroom, all eyes were on you and your boyfriend. And not in a good way. It seemed as if everyone stopped what they were doing to look at you and Mark. You could even hear a few gasps and you swore you saw your aunty shake her head. You felt bad for Mark. They were only judging him based on what he looked like. If only they knew how sweet, kind, loving and patient he was. Just because he had a couple tattoos and some piercings didn’t mean he was a bad person. So why were they looking at him as if he killed somebody?

Your heart hurt for him but you plastered on a fake smile and led him to your seats. Everything seemed to return back to normal and your family members continued their conversations from where they left off. You tried your best introducing Mark to your family and even if they were being polite and smiling at him, you knew they were all being fake. As much as you loved your family, you wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. How could they do this to the person you loved more than life itself? There were a few family members who’s significant others you didn’t particularly care for. But that didn’t make you judge them or have negative feelings for them. 

You decided to head to the restroom really quickly and placed a soft kiss on Mark’s lips. Once you were done, you were about to get out of the stall and wash your hands when you heard a few people come in. The conversation between your aunt and your grandmother shattered your heart.

“Did you see that boy y/n brought? That isn’t her boyfriend is he? She can do so much better than him. Did you see his lip ring? And I can see those tattoos through his shirt. Apparently he even owns a motorcycle. I refuse to let my granddaughter lose everything she’s worked so hard for because of that boy. There are plenty of guys out there. What’s so good about him? He’s probably only using her. She’s smart, rich and extremely beautiful. I don’t blame him for wanting someone who is of higher standards than himself. But y/n deserves better. I have a lot of friends whose grandsons would kill to have a girlfriend like y/n. Hopefully she’ll come to her senses soon and leave him for someone she deserves.” 

You had to prevent yourself from storming out of the stall and fighting with her. She may be your grandmother and want what’s best for you, but she had no right to talk so negatively of your boyfriend when she didn’t know him personally. You could feel tears forming but you were quick to wipe them away. As soon as you heard the two of them leave, you washed your hands and rushed outside in fear you would find someone talking to your boyfriend. When you walked back to the table, you were surprised to see one of your nieces sitting on Mark’s lap while tracing his features with her tiny fingers. The sight made your heart melt.

“Hi aunty y/n!” You smiled widely at the adorable little 6-year-old.

“Hi sweetie. I see you’ve met uncle Mark.” She nodded while looking up at your devastatingly handsome boyfriend.

“The rest of the kids weren’t letting me play with them so he offered me some cake. He’s very nice and handsome. I also like his earrings. Is he your husband aunty?” Before you could open your mouth, Mark nodded.

“Yes I am. I love your aunty very much. She means the entire world to me. One day we’ll have a baby and you’ll be able to play with them okay?” 

You looked down at Mark and your heartbeat increased when you saw the way he was looking at you. You couldn’t believe how your family was so quick to decide that they didn’t like him without getting to know him. He was a sucker for kids. With that being said, you weren’t surprised when you saw your niece sitting on his lap. Mark had a few nieces of his own and they loved you to death. What sucked was that Mark’s family was madly in love with you. His mom would constantly remind him of how lucky he was to have you. His nieces adored you and his sister told you that their family couldn’t wait until the two of you would finally get married. So it was embarrassing that your family were acting this way towards him.

You loved seeing Mark interact with the kids and before they could pull him out on dance floor, you pulled him in for a hug. “Thank you.” He looked down at you and smirked.

“For what?” You playfully chuckled in to his chest and placed a quick kiss on his jaw.

“For doing this. For coming tonight even if you didn’t have to and probably didn’t want to. For doing things in order to try and impress my family even if their shitty asses don’t deserve you. I know you do things in order to make me happy because you love me. If anything, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. But thank you for all that you do for me Mark. I love you so much.” He was about to give you a kiss when he felt a tug on his slacks.

“Come on uncle Mark! Let’s dance.” You motioned for him to go as you stood off to the side and watched him play with all your nieces and nephews. Growing up, you were told that children were the most honest people and they knew how to tell between a good person and a bad person. With the way the kids were laughing with your boyfriend and chasing him around, you knew they really liked him. 

Soon you felt a presence behind you and you turned around to see who it was. “The kids seem to really like him.” You hummed in agreement and turned to face your mom.

“They seem to be the only ones who like him. But it doesn’t matter. I don’t care about what any one of you think. At the end of the day, he makes me the happiest person on this earth. He’s the only thing that keeps me sane. Despite what any of you think of him, I think he is a wonderful person who does nothing but love and support me in each and everything that I do. I don’t care that he has all these tattoos and piercings, or that he doesn’t know what he wants to do once we graduate. But it doesn’t matter what you guys think of him, his clothes, the tattoos, his grades or his motorcycle. He loves me and that’s all I need. He went through great lengths in to dressing up for the occasion although he didn’t have to. I would prefer him in his normal choice of clothing. But no. He wanted to impress you guys. I know you don’t care for him and from what I heard in the bathroom, everyone seems to think Mark doesn’t deserve me. But you all are so wrong. It’s me who doesn’t deserve him. Hell, none of you here deserve him. He’s been nothing but kind and friendly to everyone tonight and to you since the beginning of our relationship, yet you treat him like shit. I love him and I’m sorry if you can’t accept that. But he means the world to me. Stop thinking you know what’s best for me. That man is whats best for me. I’ll give up everything and anything for him. Now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna go dance with my boyfriend.” 

To say your mom was shocked with your entire speech was an understatement. She didn’t know what to say. You weren’t one to talk back to your parents nor did you go against anything your family had told you to do. She knew in that moment that you were serious about Mark and that you would choose him over any one of your family members in a heartbeat. As you walked over to your boyfriend, he had a worried look on his face. He saw you arguing with your mother and even if he knew she had negative feelings towards him, he didn’t want you fighting with her over him. That’s another reason why you were so in love with him. No matter how many people bad mouthed him or made it known that they didn’t like him, he still saw the good in people. He stood up and apologized to the kids for leaving as he walked towards you.

“Everything okay babe?” You nodded and wrapped your arms around him.

“It’s my turn to dance with you don’t you think?” He smiled widely at you and pulled you closer to him while placing his hands on your waist. 

At first, the music was very fast paced and upbeat, so you and Mark were moving around all over the place. Seeing him laugh and smile made your heart so happy. No matter what your family or anyone for that matter thought about him, he was the most amazing person you knew and you didn’t want anyone else but him. After a while, the music slowed down and soon your head found its place in the crook of his neck.

“Care to tell me about what happened with your mom? I mean you don’t have to if you’re not comfortable-“ you shook your head while placing a quick kiss on his lips.

“I told her how I felt about you. I never really tell anyone about our relationship because it’s nobodies business but ours. I told her how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I also told her that I’m willing to drop everyone here if it meant spending the rest of my life with you. They’re not truly family if they don’t accept the person I’m madly in love with. You’re my person Mark Tuan. I don’t care if they completely disown me. All I need is you.” 

A tear slipped down his handsome face causing you to snicker. “All these assholes here think you’re some kind of rough and scary guy but here you are crying over me you big softy.” He rolled his eyes while placing both of his hands on your cheeks and roughly brought his lips to yours. He didn’t care what your family thought if they were to see the two of you making out in the middle of the dance floor. He wanted to show you how much he loved you through that kiss.

Even if Mark wanted to keep this rough and intimidating exterior, you made him very shy and soft. He knew in that moment that he could do anything as long as he had you by his side to keep him at ease. “I love you so much. You know that right? I mean, I know I say it a lot, but can you feel it through my actions too? If not, I need to start doing more for you because fuck y/n..I want nothing more than for you to be happy. You deserve the entire world and more my love. I don’t care if no one here but you and the kids like me. Hell, they’re the only ones I like here too. And you..I can’t even put in to words how much I love you. One day, this’ll be our wedding. I’m going to marry you y/n. And we don’t even need a big ceremony like this. It can just be the two of us if you’d like. Because I know you’re the only person I need at our wedding. I don’t care about anyone here but you.” 

You stared at him adoringly and caressed his cheek. “Shall we get out of here?” He gave you a knowing look and wiggled his brows.

“Why, so you can take this stupid tie off of me?” You snickered while whispering seductively in his ear.

“I’ll be taking every single item of clothing off of you tonight. The only thing you’ll be wearing is me. Now let’s get going.” He bit his lip and playfully squeezed your ass. “Mark!” He laughed in to your neck.

“I can’t wait to see this dress on the floor. As much as it looks good on you, I always love how it looks off of you. Let’s go babe, I can’t wait to show you just how much I love you.”

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Guard Dog

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: Sometimes Steve has to protect his girl from the least expected attacks. 

Word Count: 1,750 - One Shot

A/N: I’ll just be upfront and say this exact thing basically happened to me and this one-shot was my way of just getting it out of my head. 

Special thanks to @kquel12 and @alexabarnes for letting me pick their brain. 

Y/N once told Steve that she missed her family constantly. 

But when she finally came home, a part of her no longer felt like she belonged. The older she got, the stronger that feeling became. She’d taken quite a different path in life than her siblings and childhood friends.

 Yet they still saw her as that little girl they grew up and raised. They either teased her about how much she’d changed or they treated her like nothing had changed and she was still a little girl.

When Steve saw how anxious Y/N got before trips home, he decided he couldn’t keep letting her go alone. So no matter what was going on with the Avengers, he started going with her.

She was instantly grateful for his accompaniment. Having him at her side calmed her and made her feel less alone. 

Afterward, she could vent to him about everything that happened: the good, the bad, the ridiculous, the cringeworthy. He could reassure her that she wasn’t crazy or oversensitive when her family made her feel not so great about herself.

Now Y/N was sitting around a table with some of her childhood family friends and cousins.

It was her mother’s 60th birthday and she decided to make the trip out. Steve, of course, refused to be left behind.

Steve was currently talking with the neighborhood dads. It was easy to fake his way through the conversations: just talks sports and complain about how bad their team was.

Y/N would glance over every once in awhile to make sure he was okay. They didn’t have a signal, but there was a look one of them could give and the other would immediately know it was a call for help.

“Y/N, where’s that friend of yours? What’s her name…the one that came to the Christmas party last year?” Her cousin, Justin, asked loudly.

Justin was the ham of Y/N’s family. He was loud and desperate for attention. She had to give it to him, he did have some funny jokes. But he often didn’t know where to draw the line and he got too bold. He was only a few years older than Y/N and took it upon himself to tease her to annoying degree. 

But what they both knew was that Y/N was smarter, so she could give it right back and make it hurt.  

The more Y/N thought about it, the more she realized Justin was quite the opposite of Steve. Instead of being loud, cocky, and an aggressive jokester, Steve had a quiet confidence to him, he demonstrated non-toxic masculinity, and he had a polite approach to socializing with those around him.

“Marie? She’s not in town, only really is when it’s the holidays,” Y/N answered. It wasn’t unusual for the men in her life to ask about her best friend. She got all the boys.

“Yeah, that one. She’s pretty hot,” Justin answered crudely.

Y/N rolled her eyes playfully and laughed. “Trust me. I know. When we go out together, I’m pretty much invisible to men. Meanwhile, she’s absolutely beautiful and got a rockin’ bod, so I can’t even complain.”

Justin laughed her a joke. “Don’t worry, Y/N. Maybe there’s still time for your boobs to come in.”

Y/N ground her teeth. Her self-deprecating humor was not an invitation for him to make a rude comment.

This wasn’t the first time Justin made an inappropriate joke about her body. There was a part of her that got it. He’d known her since she was a baby. She would always be a little girl to him. But that still didn’t make it okay.

Her eyes flickered over to Steve, hoping he didn’t hear the comment. But his back was to her and he wasn’t glancing over to her little circle.

She heard one or two of her other cousins scolding Justin for the comment.

Y/N narrowed her eyes at him. (The first indicator that she was about to eviscerate him.) “Well, lucky for you, Justin, you’re jeans are covering your dick… Otherwise we could both point out blatantly small things.”

Everyone in their conversation ‘oohed’ and laughed, knowing that Justin fully deserved the burn.

Y/N cocked an eyebrow and threw back the rest of her drink before excusing herself.

She didn’t notice Steve watching her closely as she walked by him. And she definitely didn’t notice Steve’s entire body going rigid when he’d heard the rude comment directed at his girlfriend. He had to concentrate just to stop himself from cracking the glass in his hand.

Y/N kissed her mom on the cheek as she caught her in the kitchen. “Mom, it’s your birthday party. Stop cleaning everything. I’ll do it.”

“Oh, thank you, hun. Can you just bring these leftovers down to the basement fridge?”

Y/N nodded and picked up the food.

She allowed herself to take in a deep breath, now that she had a moment to herself, some quiet away from the party.

Y/N was rearranging things in the fridge when she felt strong arms wrap around her waist.

She smiled, instantly recognizing the feel of him and his scent.

“Hey, you.”

Steve didn’t say anything, but turned her around.

Instead of replying, his lips crashed onto her lips in a very passionate kiss. Hot even. 

This was unlike him. Steve was not one for PDA. And he was always on his very best behavior while in the presence of Y/N’s family or his teammates.

Steve didn’t stop until he’d made himself clear.

When he finally pulled away from Y/N, she was struggling to catch her breath and her lips were already a little swollen from the intense kiss.

“What was that for?” She asked with a cheeky smile. While she recognize that his actions were unusual for his character, she wasn’t about to complain about it.

Steve tightened his grip on her hips and pressed his forehead adorably against hers, like a love sick puppy.

“Just so we’re clear,” he cleared his throat. “I happen to love your boobs. And while I love your best friend… Marie was the invisible one the night we met, not you.” Steve voice was firm, yet loving.

Y/N blinked and then sighed, “I was hoping you didn’t hear that comment.”

“Your cousin is a dick,” Steve muttered under his breath.

Y/N gasped melodramatically. “Did Captain America just say ‘dick’? You should really watch your language,” she scolded.

Steve playfully glared at her as he pinched her hips.

“If a random guy at a bar or party said something like that, I’d…” His words died out. “But I guess your family wouldn’t be too happy with me if knocked out your cousin.”

“Probably not,” she laughed.

Then Steve eyed her attentively, trying to gage if her cousin’s words really didn’t bother her as much as she was acting like they didn’t.

He was fully aware of her insecurities, that she didn’t feel as womanly or desirable as the curvy women who often surrounded her.

So when he heard her cousin make an inappropriate comment right where all her self-doubt lingered, it took the majority of Steve’s mental strength not to instantly come to her defense.

“You okay?” He finally asked her softly. It was his final test.

She nodded, “I’m fine. You don’t always have to be my protector.” She added that last part teasingly.

Steve smirked and pulled her closer to him again by her hips. “I know you’re more than capable of defending yourself. But that’s not gonna stop me from still looking after you.”

She dipped her head in understanding. “Come on. They’re going to notice we’re missing soon.”

Y/N started pulling away but Steve quickly grabbed her wrist. “Wait, wait, wait.”

Then he pulled her back in for another heated kiss.

“Do you know how hard it is not to do that whenever I want while we’re with your family?” He whispered huskily when he finally let her lips go.

“Mr. Rogers, you’re feeling rather frisky tonight. You sure you’re feeling okay?” Y/N mocked before pulling away from him.

Steve swatted her butt playfully as she giggled and skipped up the stairs with him close at her heels.

Despite Y/N proving that she could defend herself, Steve stayed at her side the rest of the night. He barely allowed an inch between their bodies. She noticed him touching her lower back more often than usual. Or staring at her longingly as he pretended to listen to the conversations around them. 

He turned on his Steve Rogers charm, which only came out when he was really comfortable. He had Y/N to thank for that. It seemed no matter where he was, if Y/N was by his side, she brought it out of him.

It wasn’t possessive by any means. If Y/N were being honest, she found it rather adorable. When he behaved this way, she saw Steve as more of a loyal guard dog that was telling those around him, “This is my person. You mess with her and I won’t be so cute anymore.”

The rest of the night went off without a hitch.

It wasn’t until they had to leave and say their goodbyes that Y/N noticed her big puppy making any moves.

They got to her cousin, Justin, and Y/N gave him a small hug, adding the lie that it was good to see him.

When she pulled away, she saw the icy – yet subtle – glare in Steve’s blue eyes.

Her boyfriend didn’t say anything as he held out his hand for Justin to shake.

“Nice seeing you, Steve,” Justin smiled obliviously.

Then Y/N caught the hidden wince from her cousin. She could only assume Steve gripped just a tad bit too hard. 

When she glanced at Steve’s face, he was giving her cousin a look that very clearly said, “You tease my girlfriend about her body again and I’ll end you.”

When they were finally alone, walking to their car, Y/N let out the most hilarious giggle as she gripped her boyfriend’s bicep. “I know you think that was subtle, but it soooooo wasn’t.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

When the got home later that night, Steve proved how much he loved Y/N’s body without using his words.

--------------------------

So I’m honestly not sure how this one’s gonna land. I feel like reader inserts have to be generic enough for anyone to feel like they can relate. And this might be the most specific and personal one-shot I’ve ever written. 

Anyways, I want to start writing more Steve Rogers fics, so let me know if you think you have an amazing idea. I always love hearing suggestions. 

[afriendtokilltime]

Okay, fine. Let’s talk about parasocial relationships.

The term “parasocial” has been making the rounds as a very very smart sounding thing to say. It not only establishes that you know an unusual and complex word, but also that you are too smart to fall for marketing tactics, and that you are much too cool to show enthusiasm for anything!

So, what’s a parasocial relationship? It’s a one-sided relationship with a celebrity or fictional character--the entire relationship takes place in your head. You’re reading this on tumblr, which means you have lots of parasocial relationships. You’re very parasocially popular! Maybe you even have one with me. (Probably not, I stopped posting for a long time, so we probably don’t parasocially know one another at all.)

I first encountered this term being used as an inherently bad thing, something to avoid, as though the term referred to the negative version of itself. What I saw was not people explaining why it can be harmful, but speaking as if we all know it is (the way you’d use “alcoholism”).

I see people carefully watching themselves to make sure they aren’t engaging in a “parasocial relationship,” or referring to a behavior they don’t like as “borderline parasocial relationship behavior.” But, there is no such thing as “relationship behavior” other than closing the psychological distance between yourself and another person. “Parasocial relationship behavior” is doing this, but it’s one-sided. You get closer, and they do not. That’s it. That’s the only thing. Does that mean building a shrine to Kristen Stewart? Does it mean crying with joy at Hbomberguy’s Mermaids/Donkey Kong stream? Does it mean writing a 100k fanfiction about Hermione Granger, Vampire Slayer? Does it mean buying a David Bowie CD? Does it mean begging the show writers to finally make that queerbaity relationship canon? Does it mean killing the president? You decide! 

Becoming psychologically closer to people and characters is not inherently unhealthy, whether they know who you are or not. How you treat them and respond to that closeness, and how they choose to cultivate closeness, can of course be unhealthy...but so can reciprocal relationships.

What’s weird to me is that we generally seem to be aware that there are bad and good (healthy and unhealthy) relationships. I have a good relationship with @randomshoes because we support each other, are interested in each others’ success, spend quality time together, and communicate well. If I was to stalk her or kill a president for her, or if she was to abuse my trust and take all my money while falsely assuring me she loved me, our relationship would be somewhat less healthy. 

So, what’s so bad about parasocial relationships?

They don’t actually care about you and they are taking your money.

If a marketing team/a celebrity uses these relationships to prey on vulnerable people, that might be an abusive relationship...in the other direction. If I manipulate a friend I know out of her money, I’m the bad guy, right? But if I’m famous, and she’s 16, and I knowingly manipulate her out of her money, then she’s the bad guy, because teenage girls are dumb and they should feel bad for ever liking anything, forming identities, feeling attraction, or basically being uncool and childish in any way.

It is definitely a good idea to remember that transactions are a part of how art is usually consumed, and not to express your affection or deep identification with an art/artist by spending lots of money on tee shirts that depict them. However, even this type of interaction can be encouraged in a healthy, positive way.  Patreon seems to really make people mad, but it’s not the worst system for artists who Live in A Society and don’t happen to have any lembas laying around. “I’ll pretend to love you so you can make me a millionaire” seems kinda gross but “I appreciate that your support helps me continue making the art you love” kinda sorta does not.

Some people go too far and commit heinous crimes because they expect their parasocial affections to be reciprocated.

Those crimes would be heinous even in an already reciprocal relationship. (I  already mentioned this, but if I committed terrorism for my very real girlfriend who knows exactly who I am, that would probably make me no better or worse than Hinkley.)

You’re an isolated loser and need real friends.

Okay. Anybody pouring all their energy into one relationship is probably not doing life correctly, regardless of how parasocial that relationship is. But this is a point on which I simply do not agree. People engage in these behaviors regardless of how wide their friend circle is. If not with celebrities, then with fictional characters, or even historical or political figures (think more “little father” than “senator” though what you do with that Bernie Sanders picture in your room is between you and God). Oh speaking of God, relationships with religious figures might arguably have some similarities and speak to the same human tendency, but there is of course the difference that Justin Bieber doesn’t know who TF you are, but God does.

Uh, sorry, you didn’t address my point. Forming parasocial relationships stops you developing real relationships.

I actually think it encourages reciprocal socialization. I didn’t have many friends growing up. When I met two other kids who were obsessed with Harry Potter, we bonded over that, making up our own characters (next generation type of BS...still better than the book 7 epilogue), and this formed the basis of a friendship that lasted basically my entire pubescence. These parasocial relationships are generally part of a broader interest, and interests and hobbies help you meet people, break the ice, and uhm...form real relationships.

It’s not just interests, though. I was hardcore into dinosaurs as a kid. Literally every child likes dinosaurs, but that didn’t help me form any new friendships. The other reason I think parasocial relationships lead to better real relationships is...practice. You are engaging in social behaviors, whether or not you’re any good at them, whether or not you succeed. This is what’s required to learn any new skill, but it’s generally discouraged.

You don’t just learn about how to socialize, you also learn about yourself. You develop a sense of identity and learn what you like and dislike by associating yourself with favorite characters.

Children and teens often imitate their behaviors, and though that can be a bit annoying (why yes I do have the Spanish Inquisition sketch memorized but thanks for repeating it to make sure I got it), it also helps them figure out what kind of people they want to be (maybe you want to be funny, so you over time learn that what made Monty Python so funny was surprise, surprise and fear, and you develop comedic timing). Knowing what kind of person you want to be is important.

Right, but it’s selfish. You keep calling it “one sided” which it literally is. There’s no checks on your behavior.

Right. I think that’s good, though? I think it’s good for people to sometimes do selfish things. I think it’s good to cultivate parasocial relationships because they are a way to self-soothe, and get your own needs met, without burdening others. We are social creatures, and we absolutely need relationships, but nobody owes you a relationship. Nobody owes you affection or love. Having a way to cultivate that for yourself is actually incredibly valuable.

It’s worth commenting here that I think my strongest parasocial relationships are probably with characters I’ve made up myself. They are “a part of me” in that they are always there in my life, but unlike some writers, I do not base characters on myself or see them as reflecting specific parts of me. I relate to them in the same way I relate to Harry Potter, except that I was the one who made them up initially, and books I write about them can be published and I can make money off them. (On some theoretical plane of existence.) It’s pretty clear that I am the one doing all the work on both sides of this particular parasocial relationship, but it doesn’t feel super different to me than the fact I very intensely relate to certain characters not made up by me. I don’t conceive myself dating one of them, like I don’t have a Dorothy L. Sayers thing going on, but I don’t really think it would be wrong if I did.

What do you mean not being a burden on others? What about toxic fans putting pressure on creators?

Yeah...that’ll be in the “unhealthy relationship” category. But, okay, I guess where I am ending up here is I do think it’s good to recognize parasocial relationships exist and talk about them, because it reminds you that even if a relationship is not reciprocal, you do have responsibilities. If the other person is real, that means they are only human, and even if you have no choice but to stan, you should give them some breathing space. The Shinji Ikari ContraPoints in my head can be my super close friend, but if I expect the real Natalie Wynn to give me any more energy than she already does to her entire audience by making the awesome videos I enjoy so much, I’d be really rude, demanding, and honestly not worthy of her friendship if it was “real.”

Parasocial relationships are relationships which means, just like with reciprocal ones, you have to not be a dick. You have to respect the other person and recognize they are a human being separate from you. Even with characters, Harry Potter can’t be hurt by anything weird and demanding you do, but Rowling could, and so could other HP fans, so respect is still important. If it’s not already clear, I strongly disagree with people who suggest fanfiction is disrespectful, so.

If you understand that your relationship is abstracted, and that you do not deserve any kind of reward for all the energy and love that you pour into it...then enjoy your parasocial relationship, because it is absolutely normative, human, and can bring great joy and meaning into your life. In fact, almost all of what I just said applies to reciprocal relationships, too.

[toomanysurveys9]

Ready to answer 151 Questions? 1. When was the last time you swam in a pool? January 2020. 2. Do you like to party? I really enjoy it a lot less than I used to. I would rather be at home with my babies. 3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? He’s in prison and I’m married and uninterested... SOOOO I would probably slap him. 4. Are you a virgin? I have two kids. So obviously not.

5. What are your parents views on your relationships? I don’t really know what my dad thinks. My mom goes back and forth. She loves Jacob and knows I love him, but hates the way he treats me a majority of the time.

6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years, would you marry them? I’m married. So... there’s that. 7. Is your best friend dating anyone? My mom is married to my dad. Jacob is married to me. And Kayla is back with her youngest’s dad, which is cool. 8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing? Big and dark gray. 9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrerbrombie every day bother you? I don’t care what other people wear. 10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up? I do that every single day. It’s very rare for me to wear makeup. 11. What is one feature that you don’t like? On myself... I hate my teeth and gums. 12. Would people describe you as happy? They might. 13. Are you single? I’m very not single. 14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single? Not really. I mean. It gets a bit annoying because it’s a boring question but it’s also whatever. 15. Do you have Tumblr? Obviously.

16. What about Xanga? Nope. 17. Have you ever babysat before? Many, many times. 18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate? There were some teachers I haven’t enjoyed having in the past.  19. Ever shopped at Sephora? I bought a gift card for Kay once. 20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away, what would you do? I’m assuming I’d move with him since we’re married..

21. Do you have any university plans?

I am currently getting my master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. Have no plans to go beyond that.

22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do?

It would completely shock me if my mom did, although our relationship wouldn’t change. If Jacob did, I would probably be devastated since we’ve been together so long and have two kids... I wouldn’t care much if Kay did.

23. What are your views on sex?

It’s fine if you’re both of age and it’s consensual. I don’t have much of a sex drive these days, which upsets Jacob sometimes. But I’m just so tired. All the time.

24. Do sexual questions bother you?

Nope.

25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up?

He’s my husband, and I don’t want a divorce.

26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding?

I did when I was younger and again when we got engaged.

27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’?

I don’t enjoy it, but you can do what you want, as long as you’re not hurting other people.

28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook?

I have never had to deal with that, so I’m not sure what I would do.

29. Would you ever date a friends Ex?

I feel like there would be a lot of things that would factor into that decision, but currently, nope.

30. What’s the last book you read?

I don’t remember. It was a children’s book at work.

31. Ready for 10 simple questions?

Sure thing.

32. What is your last name?

Shh.

33. What grade are you in?

I just started my first year of graduate school about 3 weeks ago.

34. What school do you go to?

Northcentral University.

35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring?

Spring and Fall are my favorites.

36. Favorite Color?

Black and blue.

37. Are your parents together?

They are.

38. Any siblings?

Four sisters and one brother. All younger.

39. Favorite subject? 

I’ve always loved all things psychology related, except research methods, and english.

40. Least favorite subject? All things math. 41. Favorite song? Slow Down by Nichole. 42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy? I don’t care. 43. How many friends do you have on Facebook? No clue. 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country? Yeah. 45. Have you ever googled yourself? Yup. 46. Have a Formspring? Nope. 47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? Sell them if they don’t want to. 48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park? Either!!! 49. Been to Disney world? No but I will someday! 50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean? Nope. 51. Ever had a boyfriend? Yes.

52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? Yeah. 53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret? Yeah. Yelled at my kids... 54. Ever drank alcohol? Yup. 55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs? Weed at least. 56. Ever watched The Hills? Nope. 57. What about Jersey Shore? Nope. 58. Ever called someone a slut? Not seriously that I recall. 59. What do you think of short shorts? Not for me.  60. Does it bother you if people swear around you? Nope. 61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject? Many times. 62. What about a B? ^^^ 63. And a C? A few. 64. How about a D? No. 65. Ever skived? Huh? 66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle? Outcast for sure. 67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? My age. Or older. 68. Ever been stabbed in the back by a close friend? Yup. 69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69? Kind of.  70. Ever watched porn? Yeah. Wasn’t into it. 71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month? Speeding. 72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock? Yup. 73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? Wednesdays. Jacob has them off from Papa John’s. 74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join? Not likely. 75. Ever performed in a talent show? No. 76. Have you ever cried in public? Yeah. I hate it too. 77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad? No, although I’m closer to my mom. 78. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? I did and didn’t get past the producers. 79. How many celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive. Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Misha Collins, Chris Pratt, and Johnny Depp. 82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive. Kirsten Vangsness, Monica Raymund, Hilary Duff, I can’t think of more. 83. Ever been compared to a celebrity? Nooo. 84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? I don’t think so. 85. Do you think spending £20 on Lip Gloss is a waste of money? I wouldn’t do it. 86. Are you opinionated? On some things. 87. Do you have a favorite store? Children clothing stores, like Carter’s or the Children’s Place. Barnes and Noble. 88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans? Not likely. 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny? I have a couple boot cut pairs. 90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week? I pretty much wear the same few outfits all week. I only have so many work appropriate shirts. 91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school? I graduated college in 2016 and just went back to get my master’s about three weeks ago. 92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand? Yeah. 93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture? Nope. Why would it? 94. Own a pair of converse? I do. They’re my favorite. 95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites? What I am doing now is online and not like a typically school.

96. If yes, are you one of them? ^^^

97. Do you text in class? I did. And I do text while doing school stuff now, although not often. 98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most? I don’t know. I don’t pay attention to brands. 99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?” I don’t know. 100. Do you want to lose weight? Yeah, I do. A lot of it. Like. 100 pounds. Ha. 101. Ever seen a therapist? I have. 102. Ever watched porn? I have, but not really for myself. I didn’t really enjoy it. 103. Ever purposely ignored a text? I have. 104. A facebook message? I have. 105. A poke? Yup. 106. A friend request? Many times. 107. Would you say you read into things too much? Oh, I’m sure. 108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid? Suggesting. 109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?) I don’t think so. 110. Ever been called a bully? Not that I can recall. Because I never bullied people. 111. Ever purposely hurt yourself? Many times. 112. Ever gone to church? I used to. Years ago. 113. Would you call either of your parents screw ups? NO. 114. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? I would not want to be exactly like her. But there are a lot of good things I would be happy to inherit.  115. What do you want to do with your life? I’m going to become a marriage and family therapist.

116. Let me guess… You have brown hair? I do. 117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween? I don’t dress up. My kids do though. I don’t know what they’re going to be. Wyatt might be spiderman again. 118. Do you still go Trick or Treating? I take my babies. 119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you? Celebrities. 120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus? I don’t really care. 121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people? I do not. 122. Ever had a credit card denied? Probably. 123. What’s the last movie you watched? I don’t remember. 124. Last TV Show? Uhhh. Maybe Criminal Minds? 125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do? I wouldn’t likely care. 126. Ever been called a whore? I don’t think so. But it’s possible. 127. Are you american? I am. 128. Ever made yourself throw up? Yeah.  129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend? On a dare - Kayla and/or Brittany. 130. Are you Cute or Gross? Gross. 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!”? It’s been years since anyone said that, but no, it didn’t bother me. 132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like? We’re married and have been together many years. I would hope I could have intelligent conversations with him at this point. 133. Ever had the lead in a play? No. 134. What about a solo in a concert? I did once in high school. 135. What kind of a student are you? I’m a good student. I’ve always done very well. 136. Worst subject? I have always hated math. 137. Best subject? English or history. 138. Ever had a crush on a teacher? No. 139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? It’s super impossible so I would be pretty confused. 140. How late do you sleep in? I have to be up by 7:20ish. 141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them? Sometimes I use filters. 142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you? I am the ugly friend, 100%. 143. Do you believe in love? Obviously. 144. Would you consider yourself a good student? Yeah.. 145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?” I don’t care. 146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy? Depends on my mood but usually salty or sweet. 147. Are you going into High School this year? Nope. Graduated 2012. 148. What about Junior High? Heck no. Ha. 149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry? That someone I love was seriously hurt or died. 150. Where did you find this note? @lovemesomesurveys :) 151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone? I have no idea since Wyatt is using it.

[howtolistentomusic]

Dear people that think the Goodwill wants to sell your Ziploc baggie of used crayons: it doesn’t. That shit goes directly into the trash, right on top of your broken furniture. Surely you mean well when you donate, say, an old dresser with a busted leg. But good intentions can’t magically transform a ragtag crew of temp agency employees into proper handymen. 

If, however, you need an informed opinion on one of those homemade mixtapes that sometimes find their way into the warehouse, I might be your man. 

Once upon a time I managed to con my way into the world of online music writing. As one might expect from a blogger haughty & naive enough to write under the banner How to Listen to Music, many of my insights have aged terribly. But I was constantly learning from the best critics, journalists and bloggers in the field and HtLtM was gaining steam before my fragile discipline collapsed under the weight of increasing visibility. I still believe deeply in the merits of the template I created to analyze songs on Youtube, which was unlike anything on the internet before or since. Maura Johnston seemed to like it, at least. 

And yet I failed miserably at turning these creative endeavors into a sustainable career. So here I am, handling donations at my local Goodwill warehouse for minimum wage. Today old man Kenneth and I are inside the container, which is the detachable part of a freight truck the drivers dump on the dock for the roll-off team to unload. We’re placing the donations on the open edge for the guys outside to grab and toss into gaylords. Yes, the thick cardboard boxes with an open top we place on pallets to store donations in are called gaylords. And yes, my coworkers think this is hilarious. Death, taxes, and “they’re calling you!” from one roll-off laborer to another every time the term is overheard. 

***

“You dropped this,” Kenneth says as he hands me a crate of CDs. 

“If there’s no Justin Bieber, it’s not mine.” I say.

“You better cut that shit out!” David says. 

“He’s joking,” Donald tells David. 

I laugh.

“I know you!” Donald says.

“Dude, I’m a poptimist.”

“A what?“ 

Let’s start by pointing out that it’s a hell of a lot easier to be an "authentic” artist, as a certain orthodoxy of criticism dictates one should be, when your very existence isn’t under constant attack. You’re in luck, straight white dudes! Again. What a coincidence. 

Poptimism basically says nay! to all the noise. The Beatles go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Gaga goes to Mars to get more candy bars. Or college, I suppose, if your childhood sucked.

“It means I listen to pop.” Among many other genres, to be very clear. “Top 40. All the stuff you guys probably hate.”

“Bullshit!” Donald says.

I don’t know who he thinks I am but it’s clearly someone much, much cooler. 

“I thought you were smart!” David says.

“Am I no longer smart if I listen to Justin Bieber?”

“Nope!” says Kenneth.

“Oh shut up!” I say to the grizzled geezer. “Go jack off to Creedence.” 

“I’d rather get gang banged by CCR than listen to that little homo.”

You heard it here first. Listening to Justin Bieber: gayer than being gay!

“Really? Justin Bieber?” David says. “Wow. You think you know a guy.”

“Any recommendations?”

“Marvin Gaye! Stevie Wonder! James Brown!”

What’s Going On. Songs in the Key of Life. Think. These are all stone cold classics. I have a healthy respect for these artists but they aren’t in my regular rotation.

“Those guys are before my time. If we move up a few decades, I’m totally there. New Edition, Boyz II Men, Soul 4 Real …”

“Now we’re talking!”

“Bieber’s better though.”

David throws up his arms in wild exasperation, as if his favorite sports team just botched an important play. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m trolling him.

To be clear, I do indeed listen to Justin Bieber’s music. “Baby” is catchy as hell, and the song’s DNA can be heard in other notable pop releases from the era such as Katy Perry’s blockbuster Teenage Dream and internet darling Carly Rae Jepsen’s Kiss. I also like “Never Say Never” if only for hearing Jaden Smith say “No pun intended / was raised by the power of WIll.” And for an album created by a former child star falling apart at the seams, Purpose has no business being as good as it is. Stand-out track “Love Yourself” contains the immortal roast “My momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.” And with its heavy utilization of short, staccato notes and sudden, dramatic rests, the song is my favorite example of a distinct style of guitar playing favored by many male musicians. Such “cool pauses” give these songs a slightly broken, incomplete feel that mirrors the artist’s self-assured “deal with it” tone and I love it.

Even Carlos, my arch enemy, likes “Love Yourself”. A while back we were inside the warehouse creating pallets of our best furniture to be sent to proper Goodwill retail locations. Supervisor Anna miraculously felt like hearing some contemporary hits that day and had the building’s three radios tuned to Live 105.5, our local top 40 station. “Love Yourself” played. 

“This is Bieber’s only good song,” Carlos told me. He tried to sing along but quickly lost the words. “Sing it!” he said. “I know you know it!” 

I wasn’t sure if I should be offended by being stereotyped or impressed by his accuracy. Nonetheless, it was true! I did know the words! I picked up where he left off.

”‘Cause if you like the way you look that much / Oh baby you should go and love yourself / And if you think that I’m still holdin’ on to somethin’ / You should go and love yourself.“ 

It wasn’t a particularly strong vocal performance but Carlos, somehow, was awed. 

“Daaaaaaamn!” he cooed. It was perhaps the only time I ever impressed him.

Carlos, in case it wasn’t clear, is an asshole. He’s the type of open misogynist that progressives, in our insulated internet bubbles, are shocked to realize still exist. My masculinity isn’t up to par with his standards and he likes to torture me because of it.

Carlos is off today but there’s a small part of me that wishes he was here. He’d have no trouble buying the fact that I listen to Justin Bieber. At the same time, I know I need to be careful. After all, Bieber is far from my favorite musician. But I can’t help it. Playing Bieleber is such a fun and easy way to rile up my coworkers.

“You need a lesson in quality, my boy!” David says.

“I’m all ears!” I say, but he just shrugs.

If I wanted to be really mean, I could point out that David just might be the true Bieleber in roll-off. See, David the Bieber-hating quality expert is the same David that sometimes drops me off at the bus station after our shift ends. More than once on these trips, a Justin Bieber song played on the radio. Did he change the station? Nope! 

David seems to be harboring a lot of hate for a musician whose songs he doesn’t even recognize. This doesn’t surprise me, of course, because Bieber hate is barely about Justin Bieber.

Leonardo DiCaprio. Robert Pattinson. Zac Efron. Boy bands. The Biebs. Celebrities like these are cut from the same cloth in that they’re overwhelmingly attractive in a way that draws ravenous, predominantly female fanbases. In turn, this provokes intense contempt and ridicule from traditional dudes everywhere. This is bullshit. It’s retaliation against open female desire that, in an affront to their entitlement, isn’t directed towards Man McAverage.

Evoking “quality” is no exemption from these kinds of considerations. Many people treat the word as if it’s an objective and universal set of standards everyone intuitively understands but this is nonsense. Quality is more like a self-shaped hole we attempt to carve into the world, both encompassing and reproducing our ideals, desires, prejudices, etc. It sure as hell doesn’t explain itself.

I’ve been immersed in the world of music writing for a long time. My favorite publications tend to be ones that upend the very idea of quality. The Singles Jukebox gathers a variety of writers to weigh in and score the same song, and reading wildly different takes on what makes art good or bad is enlightening. One Week // One Band achieves something similar by inviting a different writer (sometimes a professional, sometimes not so much) to take over the blog for a seven-day deep dive into a musician they love, with “no rules and no canon” dictating who that musician can be. And then there was Hipster Runoff, the defunct but brilliant meta exploration of taste and identity that often delved into the ingredients of quality that we don’t like to talk about. 

I think I ‘like’ them because they are differentiated from 'traditional music’ and 'modern indie music.’ When I listen to them, I exist on a higher plane of musical appreciation and consume products for 'all the right reasons.��

- Carles, the voice of Hipster Runoff, on Animal Collective

Quality shouldn’t be a Get Out of Bullying Your Co-Worker Free card. But after a lifetime of living with what is often considered bad taste, I’ve learned to be on the offensive just in case.

Try harder, fuckers.

[torn-and-frayed]

Unwanted - Send the Pain Below Timestamp

Word Count: 2812

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Warnings: Drug use, addiction, violence, stalking, PTSD, panic attacks, emotional abuse, gaslighting

A/N: This takes place within 1 week of the initial drug overdose. Beta’d by @deanssweetheart23 and @spnskinnyballs

Send the Pain Below Masterlist

Request a Timestamp

Patreon

Anon Requested: For stpb timestamps could you maybe dive more into the readers family? Like her parents and siblings and stuff? It always kinda stuck out to me that when all of this was going on her family never really got involved. 

“Y/N, I heard you had a bit of a rough night.” You sat tucked into the corner of the couch in Dr. Katz’s office, staring at your shoes, picking your cuticles. Your knuckles still wore the bruises and blood stains from the night before. All you could do was nod, not making eye contact. “Jensen emailed me early this morning. He said you were quite intoxicated last night.”

“Yeah.”

“So you remember, then?”

“I do,” you sniffled and found another interesting spot in the carpeting to look at, not wanting to make any kind of eye contact at all.

“What happened to your knuckles? Did you fight with him?” Dr. Katz was so patient and kind with you, the sort of patience and kindness you absolutely didn’t deserve with all your relapses and fuckups. “I can’t imagine you’d get violent with him even in an altered state, and he didn’t mention -”

“No! No.” You shook your head, finally making eye contact. “The wall bore the brunt of it. Then Jensen’s boxing pads. I was already high and super drunk by the time he got home.” You hesitated, not sure if you wanted to relive yesterday or not, but you knew you had to. “Something happened and I handled it badly. Again.”

Dr. Katz furrowed his brows with concern. “With Eli and the case or -”

“No, I wish,” you laughed humorlessly.

Your scenes had finished early in the day, you’d been filming from 4am to 4pm. Jensen on the other hand had night scenes to shoot. You wanted to stay, to drive home together when he was done, but he wouldn’t hear of it. “Go back to the apartment, get some food, try to get some sleep,” he murmured from behind you, his arms wrapped around your middle, kissing right under your ear.

“Jay, I can’t sleep withou -”

“Try. For me? You didn’t sleep well last night either and I know you’re exhausted. Just...take a shower or a bath. Crawl in bed. Read. Watch TV. Listen to music. I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

You reluctantly agreed, allowing Clif to drop you off at home. You decided on a shower, some food, then you made yourself comfortable on the couch with a pile of unopened fan mail to read. It was something you always liked to do, even before all the drama in your life unfolded. But now it was even more cathartic. So many people sent well wishes, cards, gifts, or just offered up stories of their own. Taking the time to sit down and read through them all did genuinely seem to help, at least a little.

By the time you made it to the middle of the stack, you’d worked up a good rhythm. You weren’t really looking at the envelopes as you tore into them, if you had, you never would’ve opened this one.

You knew the perfectly crafted cursive as soon as you unfolded the paper, but it was too late to stop yourself from reading. “Dad…” you murmured, scanning the page.

Y/N,

A few reporters have stopped by recently wanting to know how I feel about you being attacked and your problems with drugs. I tell them they’re mistaken. I don’t have a daughter. I never did.

I can’t help but say I’m not surprised. You’ve always flaunted yourself like a slut. What happened, Y/N? A man finally took interest and you turned him down? Played hard to get and he didn’t like your games so he beat you half to death? So now you’re a drug addict to make yourself look like a victim? But that’s you isn’t it? Always a victim.

That Justin or Jason guy is only with you for a good lay and to make himself look good for his career. You know it, too. What could possibly look better than taking such good care of the fragile, broken little girl in times like these? He’ll be a hero.

I hope the next I hear about you is that you OD’d again and they’re planning your funeral. I’ll show up to that. Just to make sure.

Y/D/N

You watched as Dr. Katz read the crumpled up letter from your father. His face contorted in ways that often looked as though he may cry. “This is horrific, Y/N, there’s no denying that. I understand how it would’ve triggered you.”

You swallowed hard and nodded. “After that...it was like...I wasn’t in the driver’s seat of my own body, ya know?” Dr. Katz nodded, gesturing for you to continue. “I could see what I was doing but it was like...I wasn’t the one doing it. I lost control completely. I lost chunks of time. I don’t remember taking any kind of control back until Jensen got home and by then...I was too far gone.”

Jensen walked in quietly, not wanting to disturb you if by some miracle you had been sleeping peacefully. As soon as he walked in he knew everything was terribly wrong. From the drug residue and empty whiskey bottle next to a letter on the table, to the banging and shrieking coming from the bedroom. He ran to the note first, assuming it was from Eli, but once he read it his heart clenched in his chest.

“Jesus Christ,” he murmured to himself, running to the bedroom to find you with glassy, bloodshot eyes, completely drunk and high, a total wreck, punching the wall as hard as you could over and over with both fists. Your knuckles had already split, blood starting to trickle down your hands.

He ran to you, pulling you away from the wall to stop you from rebreaking your arm. “Stop. Y/N, look at me! Focus on me.” He spun you around in his arms and you squirmed, breaking free and slammed your fist back into the wall.

You heard him rustling around while you continued to pour out every bit of frustration onto the wall, until finally he started yelling to get your attention. “You wanna hit something, huh?” Jensen yelled. “Come on, hit me!”

You turned in shock, only to find him standing there holding up his boxing pads. “Come on, baby. Get it out!” You took a messy swing, in your state you had zero aim. He compensated for you, moving the pads up to meet your fists. You kept swinging, faster and faster, harder and harder, until you couldn’t anymore. You sank to your hands and knees, covered in sweat and tears, completely spent.

Jensen tossed the pads across the room, kneeling down on the ground in front of you, taking you in his arms and pulling you into his lap, your face resting in the crook of his neck while he held you. “You know none of what he said is true, right? I’m not here for publicity or any of that shit. I’m here because I fucking love you.”

Every fiber of your being wanted to believe him, but your father had planted seeds of doubt. Just like he’d done your entire life. All you did was let out a pathetic whimper into Jensen’s neck, letting more tears stream from your eyes, soaking his skin.  

“You wanna talk about it? I know you don’t talk about your family at all and I’m not forcing you to. Just...if you want to…” A violent head shake from you was all the answer Jensen needed to scoop you up and slide up into the bed, resting his back against the headboard and just holding you there while you cried yourself to sleep. Your warm breaths tickling his neck giving him reassurance you hadn’t overdosed, that he’d made it home in time to stop this crisis. He still couldn’t help but wonder what could’ve gone so terribly wrong in your life to make your own father treat you so badly, and if you’d ever have enough trust in him to tell him.

“Y/N, I know you don’t want to, but I think we need to discuss your family if you want to truly start healing.” Dr. Katz said and you swallowed hard, balling your hands into fists. “Now, before we do that, I want to tell you one thing. Jensen is here. He wants to be a part of this if you want him to be. If you don’t then he’ll stay in the waiting room or leave, whatever you want. It’s about you.”

“Jensen’s here?”

“He is.” Dr. Katz nodded. “He wants you to feel safe but he wants to know what happened in your life. He wants to know you better and he says you always run from the subject so if you’d rather tell him here with me then he’ll do that.”

You sat in silence for several minutes, chewing your lip and staring at the floor, picking at your cuticles. You finally got up and walked to the door. Dr. Katz didn’t make a move, waiting to see what you were about to do. “Jensen.” You said it so quietly Jensen barely heard you but turned his head in surprise. “Come on.” You invited him in, holding the door open while he walked in and took a seat. You took your usual seat and Jensen scooted closer, gauging your reaction. He moved even closer when you reached a hand out, lacing it with his and squeezing.

“My parents were...by my dad’s account...super in love,” you started, looking at the hole in your jeans, moving your free hand to play with the threads. “My mom wanted kids so badly. My dad didn’t. He said kids are burdens, leeches, all kinds of things. But for her, he’d have a kid. Me.” Jensen squeezed your hand a little tighter as you spoke, your voice breaking as you continued. “She died 3 days after I was born. Pulmonary embolism. They said it was caused from labor and delivery so...my fault. I killed her. At least that’s what I’ve been told my whole life.” A tear rolled down your cheek and Jensen wiped it away.

“You didn’t kill her, Y/N,” Dr. Katz interjected, “you do realize that, don’t you? There was nothing you could have done. Sometimes these things just happen.”

“Logically, yes. Emotionally, not always,” you sighed, letting all that weight off your chest. “My mom didn’t really have family so I got bounced around from place to place. Sometimes my dad kept me, sometimes he sent me to live in group homes or wherever. He used to throw me into homes for violent and emotionally unstable youth when I wasn’t really either one, so I used to get beat up a lot…”

“Y/N…” Jensen started and froze, swallowing thickly. “Did he ever...I don’t know how to ask you this…”

“Sell me?” You questioned and Jensen nodded. “No, shockingly he didn’t.” You heard the sigh of relief from Jensen immediately after you answered. “He said I wasn’t good enough to sell. Wouldn’t go for high enough.” Jensen tensed at that, if you’d been looking at him you could imagine his jaw clenching at your words. If he ever saw your father you were certain he’d try to kill him.

“You managed to leave.” Dr. Katz cut in. “Tell me about that.”

“I filed for emancipation at 16 and I won. I graduated early, got my passport and I came to Vancouver. Never looked back.” You finally looked up, still not making eye contact with Jensen but looking at Dr. Katz instead.

“That took strength.” Dr. Katz smiled softly. “I know you don’t think or realize that but not a lot of young people in that position could have taken those steps on their own. To get to where you are, become who you’ve become despite your circumstances, that’s no small accomplishment.”

“I - I understand,” you stuttered. You wanted nothing more than to make it through this session. You couldn’t break down in front of Jensen. Not again. You had to get through this so you could make it home to let all the tears flow like you wanted. “I normally have no contact. He doesn’t have any of my contact information. The only one he has is my fan mail address because it’s public and of course my social media accounts if he chose to use the internet. He was never too tech savvy so I doubt he does. I normally recognize his writing and throw out the letters he sends but I was in a zone and I ripped it open and I never should’ve read it and I fucked everything up -” You started to talk faster and faster, your breathing picked up speed, you were spiraling, blaming yourself. Not here, Y/N. Not now.

“Y/N. Focus.” Dr. Katz was calm, reassuring. Jensen squeezed your hand tight, an attempt to ground you to something solid and real, but he stayed silent, not wanting to interrupt your therapist. Dr. Katz watched as Jensen calmed you without a single word. A squeeze of his hand, a lingering kiss to your temple and the panic started to subside. “You handled a bad situation in an unhealthy way. That doesn’t make you a bad person. That makes you human. What I think we should do is focus on things you can do if and when situations like this arise that will help you cope.”

“Like what?” You raised an eyebrow, not able to think of anything else. Every time you got like this everything was a blank and you lost control. Turning to drugs just seemed so easy.

“Journaling, meditation, listening to music, going for a run…” Dr. Katz started listing suggestions and you let out a deep sigh.

“I do...all that. None of it works.”

“What about kickboxing?” Jensen interjected. “Bri takes a class she’d probably love to have the company.”

“Kickboxing?” You scoffed. “I mean...I’m not a boxer, J, I have fight training for the show but that’s - “

“That’s the point.” Jensen chuckled. “You get so mad you wanna hit something, like last night. Kickboxing gives you something to beat up. Plus, you’ll learn self defense so you won’t be so scared when you’re alone. You’ll be able to protect yourself.”

“I think he may be onto something.” Dr. Katz smiled. “What do you think, Y/N?”

“I think I’m gonna call Bri as soon as I get home and ask her if I can tag along one day. See if I like it.” Jensen and Dr. Katz both smiled at you, clearly happy with your decision.

“Well, I think that’s enough for today. I appreciate your honesty today, Y/N. I know how hard this was for you.” Dr. Katz stood up, embracing you in a small side hug. “I’ll see you in a few days.”

The walk to the parking lot with Jensen was silent until you got in his truck. Jensen put the key in the ignition and paused, looking at you. “You don’t need to do that with me, you know.”

“What?” You still could barely make eye contact, staring at his lips instead of his eyes.

“Hold back.” Jensen answered softly. “You’ve been about to burst since you started talking about your dad and you keep pushing it back for my sake. You don’t need to do that. Please just trust me enough to let me catch you when you fall.”

“I do trust you,” you whispered, voice breaking. “I don’t want to burden you with every problem, Jensen. It’s not fair. If I need to cry over the fact that daddy never loved me I can do it alone. I always have.”

“Not anymore. Not ever again.” The dam broke then and the tears started flowing in waves down your face.

“Why didn’t he want me?” You sobbed, your entire body convulsing. “Why didn’t anyone want me?” Jensen hurried to pull you into his chest, rubbing up and down your back, resting his chin on top of your head. “The only person who ever wanted me left me!”

“They’re all idiots.” Jensen spoke softly, rocking you back and forth. “You’re beautiful, funny, intelligent, caring, so loving. Everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m not leaving. I’m never leaving. I promise.”

It was in that moment that you finally believed him. That moment when the mess from your crying had soaked his neck and his shirt and he didn’t bat an eye. That moment when he was crying with you, letting his tears fall freely on you. That moment tangled together in the front of a truck when you realized you could put all of your trust into Jensen. That he was the one person in your life who would never ever hurt you, and you were completely and utterly devoted to spending the rest of your life with him.

Jensen Tags:

@a-girl-who-loves-disney @adaliamalfoy @adoptdontshoppets @aiaranradnay @akshi8278 @alex-zeppelin @amotleyworld @apeshit7x @ariannnawinchester @arryn-nyxx @ashhhh26 @aubreystilinski @autopistaaningunaparte @babydanixox @bakabozza @beacon-hills-chance-harbor @beckie1996 @blackcherrywhiskey @blacktithe7 @boredoutofmymindstuff @born-to-be-his-baby88 @bringmesomepie56 @calaofnoldor @capsofwinchesters @captainradicalpassion @charliebradbury1104 @chickenmcsade @cigsandpie @clarewinchester @comicnerdmia @cosicas-cuquis @deansgirl215 @deanssweetheart23 @deanswhiskeyveins @deanwinchesterisamazing @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester @docharleythegeekqueen @dorned @dragontearsandunicornfears @duckieburns @duherica @ellen-reincarnated1967 @emoryhemsworth @ericaprice2008 @escabell @evansrogerskitten @evilskank-inthemegacoven @feelmyroarrrr @flannelsandpie @flash2412 @gabavaldman @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish @growningupgeek @holyfuckloueh @horsegirly99 @impalaimagining @itseverythingilike @iwriteshortstuff @jalove-wecallhimdean @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes @jasvisha @jasvisha @jayankles @jensen-gal @jensen-jarpad @jjsoccer11 @jojo-nz @jotink78 @just-a-supernatural-sister @kalliravenne @kayteonline @keeryackles @kgbrenner @kittenofdoomage @kittycat-cas @lenaabs @like-a-bag-of-potatoes @lilydarcy @luciathewinchestergirl @manahil123universe @mayasmedberg @meeshw777 @midnightsunflower @mirandaaustin93 @mogaruke @mrspadalackles @my-supernatural-dreams @nichelle-my-belle @not-moose-one-shots @nothingeverdies @notmoose45 @outerxorbit @percussiongirl2017 @percywinchester27 @primenumberscanbeintimidating @relatableantisocialchick @rhiannonj79 @riakie @rileyloves5 @riversong-sam @rlawson418 @roseblue373 @ruined-by-destiel @ruprecht0420 @sabsi2222 @sammysflannels @sandlee44 @serienjunkiegirl @silver-and-green @sis-tafics @skybinx-blog @sleepretreat @smoothdogsgirl @soobi89 @soobi89 @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @spn-fan-girl-173 @spontaneousam @starswirlblitz @stilinski15 @stubby-the-dean @summoningsupernatural @supernatural-girl97 @supernatural-girl97 @supernatural-jackles @supernaturaldean67 @tarashari-tfp @teepartyy @the-angels-stole-the-tardis @thelastxgoodthing @thereisnolumos @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @thisismexxo @wayward-marvel-sommer1196 @waywardjoy @whit85-blog @wholelottajackles @winchestdiaries @winchester-writes @winchesterprincessbride @winchesters-favorite-girl @winchesters-italian-princess @yaya-snowflakes @yellowtheremarvelfan @yoursmilemakesmeloveyou