#just yapping in my notes app

[orpheused]

i thought it would hurt my bubble, long and blue, sitting heavy and idle like an anchor on a sand prayer dragging the hopes and dreams and wishes i had locked away for us damning them to the bottom of the sea as they slowly run out of air 

i thought it would hurt the way my bones bent trying to reach my back marred, twisting and twisting as i paw at the raw flesh breaking as i aim for the callous behind my heart

i thought it would hurt  wrapping trembling, destructive fingers around a delicate silver grip the scream of all my muscles as i pulled and pulled and pulled a blade’s supposed to do more damage on its way out than when it exits

i thought it would hurt when you decided to leave the way you’re supposed to fall asleep slipping away unnoticed until it’s too too late  barring my presence from the world from which i am exiled shedding me inch by inch like the skin upon a snake

i expected it to be white hot i pictured the crack of the dam’s seal  |i anticipated the carnage i braced for the blood, the guts, the tears

but when the time came  and the doors all locked without goodbye i realized it didn’t hurt at all  and when the dust settled, gray and dry,  i realized none had gotten into my lungs

and i was breathing just fine

i thought it would hurt long,  i thought the pain would never slack but lighter is all that i feel in my lungs, in my heart, and even in my bloodied back

[vyeoh]

One of my new co workers wants to come to the science muesums with me and I will be so normal and neurotypical about it

[surlynotaperson]

W-Would anyone like to hear my yap session about my version of swap AM/my IHNMAIMS oc

[hercarisntyours]

Nobody on this piece of public transport knows I'm odette from hercarisntyours on tumblr

but she does

[yetanothersillyboii]

if cooking was a crime, I’d be a law abiding citizen

[nyxypoo]

the urge to write but the inability to form sentences when presented with the time to write

[mystyrust]

.

[melloneah]

RAHHHHH FOUND AN OLD DRAFT FOR A FIC I STARTED N IT BANGS WHY DID I ABANDON IT

[nobodysystem]

i have wished for three desperate years that someone would find my writing-- my posts, my stories, my shitty little poems-- and tell me i obviously understand, even enough to (so technically) count. this will, of course, never happen. and so i spend my time looking in on real people, reading their stories and watching them without ever starting a conversation and then, later, involuntarily performing an awful dreamlike parody of the things they say their lives are like alone in private. Look at me. I completely get it.

part of the reason this is such a bitter pill to swallow is because feeling like a fetishistic creep is a visceral and common part of closeted transness. i read about people who felt the exact same ways i did, except they had the capacity for redemption-- they were what they were so afraid of infringing on the whole time; i, of course, do not have this possibility. i will be a creep forever, reading story after story about people who feel just like me-- but who, crucially, could change.

i think it is better for everyone for me to stay like this in my pretty headspace bedroom and in our blog nobody reads. "cis people who want to be their own gender but trans" are not looked upon kindly anyway, and i specifically have tangled the idea of transness into my heart so deeply that i relate to things in a way that could only be horrifically inappropriate for anyone who wasn't trans in that specific direction. i am so easy to hurt and such a liability socially that there's no way i SHOULD be barging into (invading, haha) trans spaces of my gender when that could only ever end in tears. but i want to. achingly, shamefully, condemningly i want to

[jameslongforjimshortforgabriel]

the violin teacher just got extra mad for the first time in like a year and the girl sitting next to me is reading wattpad

[f1nneas]

I wish I had a babygirlicious man next to me to keep me company right now 😼😉

[woodchuckjr]

My Pinterest is therapeutic, as it reminds me that I need therapy besides my notes app at 2am in the morning

[flimsyichigo]

it sucks wanting to be in a relationship when the guys in my school are fucking trash. like most of them are either too old (even worse to think abt since we’re all seniors) and/or fucking weird + racist.

and the girls… i don’t think i even wanna try honestly. none of them are really my type either.

there is like one dude left in my mental roster that i’m willing to take a chance with but like it’s mainly based on pure physical attraction. though he does share a lot of my interests based on what i overheard him talk abt with his friends (not overheard in a creepy ass way. they just sit behind me in one of my classes and they talk so damn much.) the thing is he seems pretty closed off and only seems to stick with his friend group and i’m awful at approaching ppl and making the first move so im not sure if anything’s gonna happen there💀

if it ends up going wrong with the last dude (aka find out he’s a piece of shit in someway or find out he’s a super senior) then i’ll just give on my entire school and pray i meet someone cool at a concert or barnes and noble or some shit

[twotonedsuicide]

Another personal life yap ses

I found out earlier that I am heading to Nevada via car trip

I tried to hide my excitement when I was told that bc I want to keep my blades and lighters secret

My mom knows about my cutting issues and whateva so she wouldn't be happy to hear or see me with "dangerous weapons" on me

It's not like I'm planning on using them on myself though

Cutting takes too much time and gets all messy while i can't handle burns like I used to

The only purpose of my knives and flames is self defense

I'm not my own enemy anymore so I don't need to attack myself over every small thing

[what-if-doctor-who-was-yuri-yaoi]

btw i have a couple rss feeds on my neocities ^^ u can check em out if u want :3

[sturnsreckless]

𝐈𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐋𝐃 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐃 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐀 𝐁𝐄 𝐍𝐄𝐗𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐘𝐎𝐔,, m.sturniolo

summary: cute things matt does in a relationship

warnings: mentions of slight insecurity

a/n. . . i was on the plane and thought of this so wrote it down in my notes app and im now writing it while waiting on my second plane and this song has been stuck in my head for weeks now. also i didn’t proof read this because i was rushing to get on my flight but i wanted to post it now

𝜗𝜚 ALWAYS HAS TO BE CUDDLING YOU NO MATTER WHAT

you finish your small skincare routine and put on your pyjamas before climbing into matt’s cozy bed, snuggling into the covers as you get tucked up under them.

matt follows right behind you, climbing into the warm bed. he immediately pulls you flush against him, wrapping his strong arms around your waist with his chest to your back.

you let out a content sigh as you feel his body relax into yours, you place your hands over his hand that is draped over your exposed stomach.

he nuzzles his head into your neck and lets out an equally content sound, his breath warm against your skin. his arms wrap even tighter around you, pulling you impossibly closer to him.

“you just gotta be cuddling me, don’t ya?” you giggle out as you close your eyes, trying to fall into a deep sleep.

matt chuckles lightly against your shoulder, his breath sending a shiver down your spine. he pulls you even closer to him, his warm chest pressing firmly against your back.

“mhm you know it” he whispers out, leaving a kiss on your neck.

𝜗𝜚 HE ALWAYS WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOU, EVEN WHEN YOU THINK YOURE TALKING TOO MUCH

you had been talking matt’s ear off for the past hour about someone in your college — you didn’t even think about how bored matt must be, listening to you talking about the same topic for over an hour.

“then she said to me-“ you stop yourself as you check the time and realise how much you had spoke, you looked up at matt and saw he still had the same smile of adoration sitting on his face as he did an hour ago, “did i ramble on again…sorry” you awkwardly say, scratching the back of your neck.

matt chuckled softly at your comment, his eyes sparkling with love as he looked at you. he took your hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze, his thumb rubbing circles against the back of your hand.

“don’t be sorry” he said with a warm smile, “i could listen to you talk for hours.”

a huge smile came onto your face at matt’s sweet compliment but insecurity quickly taking over you, “you sure… you sure i’m not talking your ears off? i know i yap on and on all the time… but you’re sure?” you ask with a hint of insecurity in your voice.

matt’s heart softened at the hint of insecurity in your voice. he gently pulled you closer, wrapping his arm around your waist as you laid on his shoulder in a comforting embrace.

“i’m absolutely sure.” he reassured you, his voice firm yet tender. “i love hearing about your day, about things you love, about anything and everything. it’s a part of who you are, and i love every bit of it.” he gave you a gentle squeeze before leaning forward to look into your eyes with complete sincerity.

𝜗𝜚 ALWAYS SURPRISES YOU WITH FLOWERS

he knows they’re your favourite and always makes sure to pick out the prettiest bunch. he gives you them before dates too, just so he can admire the way your face lights up when he gives you them.

at the moment, matt was out with nick and chris at a meeting. you were bored so you texted him just to see what he was up too.

| hey baby! where are youuuu? also see if you pass gas station on your way home could you pleaseee get me a blue slurpee????

you pressed send and waited for a reply. you weren’t expecting a reply straight away since he was at a meeting.

matt sees his phone light up with a text notification — once he saw it was from you, a smile lit up his face. the meeting he was just in was boring, your simple check-up made him feel better.

| heyyy we’re just leaving, don’t worry i’ll get you aslurpee. see you soon, i love you

matt sets his phone down in the cup holder after hitting send on his text. his attention goes back to the road as he turns in at 7-eleven to get you a slurpee and flowers.

he walks into the gas station and picks up a bunch of baby breaths and tulips for you, he then gets your blue slurpee, before he leaves he grabs a few bags of your favourite candies and paying, walking out the store and back to his car.

he hands the flowers over to chris and the bags of candies, sitting the slushie in the cup holder before driving off back home. he’s excited to get home and see the look on your face when he gives you the flowers.

he walks inside his bedroom, shutting the door with his foot as he has flowers and candy in one hand and the slurpee in the other, “hey baby, i’m back” he says walking to the desk and putting all the things he bought at the store down.

“oh my god… hey, you’re back” you say, putting down your phone and getting off his bed as you walk into his open arms.

he wraps his arms around you, pulling you close. he can’t help but bury his face against your neck, leaving light kisses there.

you felt shivers down your spine as he left kisses on your skin, “how was your meeting?” you asked.

“boring” he mumbled against your neck, still peppering light kisses there, “i missed you” he added quietly, nuzzling closer.

you let out a small giggle but your heart swelled at his comment, “matt, baby, you saw me before you left this morning” you said pulling back from him.

“i know… also i got you a present.” he said walking back over to the desk and picking up the flowers and your slurpee.

your eyes light up as you see the bunch of flowers in his hand and the blue slushy, “matt..they’re beautiful. thank you so much, i love you” you say as he holds the flowers out for you with a smile.

you take hold of the flowers, you admire them with the cheesiest smile on your face.

matt loved buying you flowers, it was his favourite thing to do.

𝜗𝜚 ALWAYS TAKING PHOTOS OF YOU WHEN YOURE NOT LOOKING BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU LOOK SO CUTE

you and matt are sat on the sofa, a little space between you two. you were sitting with your knees up as your phone leaned against your thighs, your hoodie pulled up to your chin. you were scrolling on pinterest and adding photos to your boards, you were in your own little world until you heard matt let out a giggle.

you looked over at him as he looked over at you before talking, “look at this cute picture i took of you when you weren’t looking! it’s so cute, you’re adorable” matt gushed with a smile over his face as he turns his phone towards you to show you the photo.

you squint your eyes slightly to get a better look at the photo but when you get a full view of it, your face turns to a deadpan expression. you don’t see the cuteness matt was talking about, all you saw were flaws.

your messy hair, the unflattering angle, your glasses sitting lob sided on your nose, your bare face with no makeup, and the big pimple on your forehead.

“dude. be so for real, that photo is fucking horrible” you say leaning back to your original position but still looking at matt as he turns his phone back round and admiring the photo.

he playfully kicks your leg with his foot as he giggles, “hey! i thought you looked really cute in this picture, why’re you so negative?” he tilted his head, a curious look in his eyes.

you squinted your eyes and quirked an eyebrow at his reply but you felt butterflies in your stomach as he still complimented you, “no matt! look at my hair, it’s a mess, you can see my double chin, my glasses are lop sided, and look at that fat pimple on my forehead! and i have no makeup on. i actually feel disgusted looking at that right now”

he rolls his eyes, “okay fine, your hair isn’t perfect. your glasses are slightly lop sided, i didn’t even notice the pimple and you look amazing without makeup! why would you be so disgusted at the picture you? you look so cute in it.” he glances between the picture and your face, genuinely not understanding what’s so bad about it.

you jokingly roll your eyes at his obliviousness, “it’s ugly as shit, i just look bad. that’s why im disgusted.” you giggled out.

matt sighs. he doesn’t believe you for a second, “i’ve seriously never thought you looked bad! you’re so pretty, and this picture does not change it one bit” he grins and pokes your cheek and moves your glasses up your nose slightly, “it’s a cute picture and you’re a cute person. get over it”

you lean your head back on the back of the sofa with a smile on your face, “fine, i give up. you win.” you say leaning your head on his shoulder, he leans his head to the side and kiss your forehead.

@sturnsreckless