#again this is literally just more yapping as if someone will bestow on me a Good Grade in Being Trans In My Heart

[nobodysystem]

i have wished for three desperate years that someone would find my writing-- my posts, my stories, my shitty little poems-- and tell me i obviously understand, even enough to (so technically) count. this will, of course, never happen. and so i spend my time looking in on real people, reading their stories and watching them without ever starting a conversation and then, later, involuntarily performing an awful dreamlike parody of the things they say their lives are like alone in private. Look at me. I completely get it.

part of the reason this is such a bitter pill to swallow is because feeling like a fetishistic creep is a visceral and common part of closeted transness. i read about people who felt the exact same ways i did, except they had the capacity for redemption-- they were what they were so afraid of infringing on the whole time; i, of course, do not have this possibility. i will be a creep forever, reading story after story about people who feel just like me-- but who, crucially, could change.

i think it is better for everyone for me to stay like this in my pretty headspace bedroom and in our blog nobody reads. "cis people who want to be their own gender but trans" are not looked upon kindly anyway, and i specifically have tangled the idea of transness into my heart so deeply that i relate to things in a way that could only be horrifically inappropriate for anyone who wasn't trans in that specific direction. i am so easy to hurt and such a liability socially that there's no way i SHOULD be barging into (invading, haha) trans spaces of my gender when that could only ever end in tears. but i want to. achingly, shamefully, condemningly i want to

[5hfanfiction]

The Kissing Game (Epilogue)

A/N: Never say I didn’t do anything for y'all. Enjoy :)

-

In. Out. In. Out.

Lauren chanted repetitively in her head, consistently reminding herself to take deep breaths so she wouldn’t pass out.

She stood in front of a mirror, people running to and fro around her, and she stared at her complexion anxiously. She couldn’t help herself as she began meticulously picking at everything she thought was wrong with her. It wasn’t that she hated her body or anything, her mind just went into anxious overdrive and she couldn’t help it.

“She told me to tell you to stop worrying,” Lauren heard from behind her. Turning around, she saw Dinah leaning against the corner of the wall, looking at her with a humorous smile on her face.

“I can’t stop worrying, it’s who I am as a person. Plus, what if everything goes wrong?” Lauren replied, her words rushing out of her mouth like a waterfall. Dinah approached her calmly, placing her hands on the green eyed girls shoulder and giving them a gentle squeeze.

“Even if everything went wrong, do you think she’d love you any less?” Dinah asked seriously.

“No,” Lauren mumbled, and she was right. Through everything they’ve been through, she never loved Lauren any less. In fact, everything they’ve ever been through seemed to make her love Lauren more, and the green eyed girl’s heart fluttered wildly at the thought.

“Exactly. Now let’s take some deep breaths, okay Lauser?” Dinah spoke reassuringly, making sure Lauren was listening and not panicking.

“You would think you’d stop calling me that after all these years,” Lauren chuckled.

“Well you’re still a loser in my book so no can do,” Dinah joked, the green eyed girl throwing her head back in laughter. “There she is. Okay now deep breaths.”

Dinah breathed with Lauren until her heart rate returned to a steady pace. Once she was effectively calmed down, Lauren wrapped her arms around Dinah’s waist and laid her head on her chest, hugging her tightly. “Thank you so much, Dinah. For everything.”

“Don’t sweat it, Lauser. Now come on, I’ll do your makeup.”

-

If Lauren thought she was nervous beforehand, she was absolutely terrified now.

There she stood, front and center, a mass of people lost in the idle chatter sprinkled amongst them. Lauren took a moment to look around and acknowledge those who were here. To the left she saw her parents, yapping away with a relative of hers. Towards the middle were Ally and Sydney, leaning towards each other for a loving kiss that made Lauren’s heart swell with joy. They had been together for quite some time and Lauren always mentally high fives herself when she sees the together. To the right was Luis, sitting beside his long term girlfriend and old friend of Lauren’s, Alexa. Lauren was thankful he gave up his fuckboy lifestyle to settle down and love someone properly. She always knew he would be a perfect boyfriend to someone.

Lauren adjusted her dress awkwardly, shifting where she stood to bring temporary relaxation to her heel bound feet. Every second that ticked by made her feel more and more anxious again, and this time she didn’t have Dinah to comfort her. A wave in her peripheral vision caught her attention and she turned to see her father, tears welling in his eyes, as he mouthed ‘I love you’ to her. Lauren couldn’t help but smile gratefully at her father, returning the gesture happily.

Suddenly, a gentle note rang through the room as everyone averted their attention to the back of the room, where a young girl, Lauren’s cousin, skipped happily down the center of the crowd, dispersing happiness and flower petals all across the floor. Directly behind her was Dinah and Normani. Lauren couldn’t help but get a little choked up at how beautiful her best friends were together. They complimented each other inside and out and God damn were they dressed to the nines. Behind them were a small abundance of other people including her brother, sister, and Shawn Mendes. Lauren actually despised that boy when she first met him, assuming he was a threat the moment she laid eyes on him, until she met his boyfriend Troye Sivan and actually talked to him. They’ve been incredible friends ever since.

A chorus of notes sprung through the air as the crowd stood, their bodies turned towards the back as they watched. Lauren swallowed thickly as she waited impatiently, praying to God everything went as planned.

As the duo turned the corner, everything went into slow motion for Lauren. There in front of her was the one and only Camila Cabello, dork extraordinaire and the love of her life, walking through the center of the crowd in the most elegant white gown Lauren has ever seen. She looked positively radiant, almost unreal, as she made her way towards Lauren with her father beside her, tears welling in his eyes. Lauren didn’t even notice she was crying until Normani handed her a tissue, which she gratefully accepted.

As Camila and Alejandro reached the altar, Alejandro lifted the veil over Camila’s face and Lauren couldn’t help but gasp. The brunette was absolutely stunning. Like, magnificent goddess type stunning. Her makeup was done perfectly (probably compliments to Normani) and her hair was done to absolute perfection, small ringlets cascading down the side of her face while the rest was in a beautiful up-do. Alejandro wiped his tears as best as he could as he embraced Camila, murmuring something in her ear before handing her off to Lauren with a gentle smile directed towards the Cuban.

Green eyes met brown ones in a moment of what seemed like destiny for the two girls. They smiled warmly at each other as the crowd directed their attention to the priest.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to gay,” Big Rob, Camila’s boss and long time friend of the couple spoke, the room bursting into giggles at his little joke. He smiled like a kid in a candy store before continuing with the ceremony. Lauren, for her part, heard none of the things he was saying, as she stared at Camila in awe of her beauty.

“Lauren, Camila, I would now invite you to speak publicly your commitment to your partner. Camila, would you like to start?”

Camila nodded slightly before clearing her throat. “Lauren Michelle Jauregui Morgado, you are the love of my life, and I could promise you a great many things in life, but these I will never break. I promise to love you and care for you, I promise to be honest and patient with you, and I promise I’ll leave you at least one banana.” The crowd erupted in giggles, Lauren included, as Camila continued. “I promise to not only continue to be your best friend, but to be the most bomb wife you’ve ever seen. I love you.”

Lauren giggled and wiped the tears from her eyes, her dork of a fiancé managing to make her laugh and cry at the same time. She rejoined their hands as Big Rob asked her to speak her vows.

“Karla Camila Cabello Estrabao, I promise to love you until I run out of love, then love you some more. I promise to cherish every moment I have with you because lord knows I can only make it two weeks without you before going insane,” Lauren joked, making Ally, Normani, Dinah, Camila, and Luis laugh particularly loud. “I promise to pick you up when you fall, metaphorically and literally since you’re clumsy as hell.” Camila ducked her head as she giggled, tears steadily streaming down her face. “I promise to never take you for granted ever again, and I will always be by your side. I love you.”

Camila and Lauren took a moment to just look at each other, beaming as they cried happy tears together. The rings were given to them as they bestowed them upon each other, speaking more about their eternal love for one another.

“Do you, Karla Camila Cabello Estrabao take Lauren to be your lawfully wedded wife?” Big Rob spoke, addressing Camila.

“I do,” she responded with such assurance that Lauren felt her heart swell.

“And do you, Lauren Michelle Jauregui Morgado, take Camila to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

“I do.”

“Then by the power vested in me by the state of Florida, I am honored to pronounce Lauren and Camila as wife and wife, sealed together today by law and love. Lauren, you may now kiss the bride.”

Lauren uses the hand that was holding Camila’s to pull her towards her, her other hand coming to rest at her waist as she dipped the brunette and kissed her with all of the love and passion she could muster. Camila kissed back just as intensely, the sounds of cheers and screams surrounding them. Lauren lifted Camila up gently as she ended the kiss, unfortunately having to keep it PG in front of their family.

“Ladies and gentlemen for the first time, Mrs. And Mrs. Cabello-Jauregui!” Big Rob yelled excitedly, causing another uproar of cheers and whistles throughout the crowd.

Lauren smiled happily at her wife, and apparently couldn’t help herself as she leaned in and captured Camila’s lips I another loving kiss. She vaguely heard Dinah in the background as she yelled “it’s Camren yo!” and she smiled happily into the kiss.

As they pulled back, Lauren couldn’t help but giggle mischievously, and Camila just looked at her wife with a playful smile. “What are you laughing about, Mrs. Cabello-Jauregui?” She asked, ecstatic to finally be able to use that name. To use their name.

Lauren looked her wife in the eyes, thanking every deity that she knew that they made it here, to this moment. Thanks to Dinah and that stupid game, their many years of friendship turned into the best relationship Lauren could have ever asked for. She graduated high school with the woman she loved, she went to college with the woman she loved, and now, after six years, she married the woman she loved.

Remembering what Camila said, she smiled and giggled again. Camila turned her head to the side like a confused puppy as she looked at Lauren.

“What’s so funny, honey?” She asked again, making Lauren smile happily.

“It’s your turn.”

-

A/N: And that is the REAL ending to The Kissing Game! I’ve had this written since I posted the “final” chapter and I was gonna wait a week but I’m impatient and wanted to give this to you. I really hope you guys liked this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. All of your comments give me so much life and they make me laugh and smile and I always look forward to them. I do what I do for you guys, because I without you I wouldn’t be here. I love you all so so much and I hope you always remember that.

With love,

Katie

(As always, you can find my stories on wattpad here)