#just writers in therapy remembering to drink water and sleep

[somer-writes]

Hi there! I didn't know you had a tumblr. I've been reading most of your lu fics for the last couple of months. Love how you write Twilight and Warriors. They're such brothers the way you write them. I genuinely don't know how you write so much in such a short amount of time, but I've been enjoying it!

Thank you for reading!! it brings me so much joy to share my work <3 i love writing them so so much XD i really thought when i first started writing lu fic that i would focus on twi & wild or twi & time a lot more but twi & warriors have stolen my heart

the tumblr is new as i am a Dedicated Lurker so bare with me as i figure out this god forsaken website beyond likes/reblogs.

i have a bad habit of hobby fixating XD so this has been nearly all my free time outside of Responsibilities bc im having so much fun with it! seeing lovely people like you in the fandom and having people interact with my work is just *chefs kiss*. i am a glutton for praise <3

ive been writing creatively since i was 8 or so and over time have gotten into the habit of editing myself in real time. i call it the Fucking Send It philosophy (usually) bc I know if it hesitate that i'll never be content with my work

i also save time by refusing to plot/outline anything :D i do not recommend this as i am usually along for the ride as much as the reader or working off a vague mental sketch

ty so much for the ask bestie!! made my day <3

[cosmiclatte28]

Amnesia (Jaehyun x reader)

tw : amnesia, crazy parents, drunk driver accident, failed attempt to write an angst

a/n : hello, so I read this work I left since December 2020 but yeah I read this and turns out I want to know if this is interesting enough to have another chapter to finish the story or not. If not then it's okay I'll just leave it here, but if you're curious I can try work it out.

tagging @charmingyong @neopalette .. @yutahoes and @swagmonsterofficial who can probably help me with the writer's block . you too readers. help me finish this story :))) thxxx

The thing you fear the most in this life is the day where you lost your memories. Memories of everything important in your life. You've been so afraid of not remembering things, mostly because the doctrine of your parents planted inside your brain.

"Look at your brother, Doyoung, he aces all of his tests, have time to do sports, sings well, proper manners, and always practicing doing his best. You too should think of being like him."

For sixteen years you're always compared to him. For sixteen years you worked your brain off to memorize extended classes you were forced to take. For sixteen years you faked your identity in order to look smart. For sixteen years you pray with all your might nothing bad will happen to you that involves a reset button to your brain.

That day happened, on your last year of high school where you've prepared yourself for the national entrance test. You've forced your brain to memorize everything, maximizes all you know since young age, and even pushed your other desires aside (not that it is new, you never put your desire first)

You start preparing it one year prior

"Don't go too hard (y/n)... I know you can do this," your boyfriend (secret boyfriend) calls you when he checks on you.

"Oh Jaehyun-ah, as much as I want to slack off there is no way I'll live in peace if I score lower than Doyoung's." You reply him as you flip through some sets of questions.

Jaehyun sighs from the other end of the call "And your brother scored perfect?"

You hum "Actually yes he did."

"Did your parents really love you? Why are they torturing you this way... I remember playing when I was younger and yet I made it to this stage." The young future psychologist boasted.

Jaehyun is actually the same age as your brother, he is Doyoung's friend and he knew you from visiting Doyoung back then in high school. He secretly learns about your name and even your number, since then he's been calling you and giving you all the love, you could never get from your family.

"I study psychology and what they're doing is not good." Jaehyun lays down on his bed. As much as he questions himself why he wanted to date you he can't answer it.

His friends had been telling him to break up with you because you're just going to make his life hard since your parents went too hard on you. But his heart screams that he needs to help this little girl he secretly feels bad. Jaehyun saw you sitting on your room sticking your nose to a book he thought was a middle school's book... when you were just graduating elementary. He was pretty sure you're not happy and even Doyoung secretly spills the hidden feeling that he doesn't like seeing his sister treated that way.

He remembers the conversation he had with his bestfriend on that summer vacation

"Make it stop then Doyoung..." jaehyun said as he played with a soccer ball inside the big room.

Doyoung sighed "I tried Jae, but mom and dad didn't seem to listen. They just told me they wanted the best for (y/n) and that by pushing her she'll find her way to be successful."

Jaehyun snorted "Gosh I'm glad my parents are not like yours."

Doyoung massaged his nose bridge "I even tried messing up my scores, but I earned myself detention and she was told to never be like me. Look I tried rebelling, but they're not fazed."

Jaehyun rolled his eyes "Want to escape to my house? Take (y/n) too maybe..."

Doyoung buried his face on his hands "Oh I wish Jae! I am also hating this, but I'll be dead and if this involves (y/n) I'm double dead because," Doyoung fixed his posture and mimicked his parents "Doyoung you're the brother here, a gentleman will always protect a lady and (y/n) is your sister and she's a girl."

"Damn it. Jae, I need that scholarship!" Doyoung groaned.

Jaehyun nodded "The one offering a seat in USA? Go for it. I didn't see why you hesitated... with that brain you didn't need to study and still get perfect."

Doyoung went silent for a minute "But won't I just make her life harder? Who will help her if I am not here?"

Jaehyun snickered "As if you have been helping her at all... take that chance. I'll look after (y/n) she's already like my little sister."

Doyoung couldn't thank Jaehyun enough when he hugged his friend before leaving to the states.

Doyoung hugged you too and secretly whispered "Jae is my substitute, please please promise me you will be honest with him and tell him whatever you're feeling. I'll see you in the states! Girl this is your chance to leave the dark alley." Doyoung wiped your tear that left your eyes. Well Your brother has been secretly sneaking from his room to teach you things you still cannot understand when you're younger. He kept on apologizing for the situation you both live in... but you can't totally blame him too. In this life if someone asked you who were the most important person, you'll say it's Doyoung then Jaehyun.

In the meantime

"Look Jae, I need that scholarship... Doyoung is waiting for me. He's been telling me life is not that gloomy." You sound so hopeful and Jaehyun doesn't want to spoil your small happiness.

He sighs "Fine, you've learned enough! Please a good rest is also important."

"Yeah yeah say that to my parents and see if you got slapped." You giggled and Jaehyun noted that. Well he had been noting your behaviour too and planned to make you his first journal subject.

"Look I love you okay, don't tire yourself too much. Drink water, stay healthy and sleep." He bids you goodbye and little did you know that was probably the last night you could sit in your room and absorbed new materials inside your brain.

For the next day when you got home from school, you never made it back home. You did not remember anything, only a loud horn and your body hitting the asphalt. Your ear rang and your eyes went dark.

Your parents were crying when they heard the news of you getting hit by a car and it was a drunk driving accident. Jaehyun left his class when Doyoung texted him about you. Well Doyoung was called in the middle of the night and he was more than broken hearted to hear this.

Jaehyun was shocked when he heard the news, but he was more shocked when he sees your parents are there weeping like how parents love their children so much and super afraid of losing them.

He wonders why they would treat you so strict if they love you this much. Well some people say that is their way of showing love, but for rational people Jaehyun disagree how hard your parents were on you and your brother.

Your mother recognized Jaehyun and explained everything that happened.

Jaehyun's heart broke when the paramedics informed them on the next day that you got the amnesia.

Your parents cried maybe because it is the natural way to act, but Jaehyun's world collapsed when he remembered you telling him the worst thing you fear is waking up with a blank brain.

It took you some days to wake up from your coma, considering that you also had some broken bones and some operations are done on your body, Jaehyun's glad you woke up four days after the accident.

He saw it the first time you open your eyes and you squinted all around he saw the slight tremble you had in your eyes.

Though he's not sure if you have amnesia you could remember fearing this to happen, but he believed your heart remembered this fear and showed how scared you are.

The doctor ran the first test and you happened to know basic things like your name and at least your parents. You know their faces but not their names and Jaehyun, it took you some time but the glint of hope in your eyes was enough to let Jaehyun feels not left out.

"Jae" you whisper, and the doctors were delighted when you could mention his name.

Your parents were crying, feeling super sad that their daughter had to go through this but once you got a time alone with Jaehyun you couldn't cry nor can you laugh.

"Jae," that is all you can think of.

You move your hands and find them fascinating. Jaehyun wanted to cry, it's as if you're a baby discovering new things you can do again. This is the same girl who understand chemistry even when she's just eleven! The girl who speaks five languages fluently, the same girl who can play the hardest piano piece, the same girl who was forced to be perfect and she did it she was perfect but she lost everything she worked super hard for.... within one blink of an eye. For the first time after several years, Jaehyun cried his heart out in silence alone in his bedroom.

For two months you were on a therapy session to regain your memories and some of them are coming back. Jaehyun took a break on his school, saying he is doing a research (well he didn't lie) but mostly because he needs to and wants to take care of you. He didn't want your parents to ruin this golden chance of him fixing you (he wishes)

"Name?" Jaehyun asks every time he visited you. You could answer that easily "(y/n)"

"Siblings?" You could also answer that "Doyoung."

It took you sessions to find a trigger word that could bring more memories back.

"Books?" The doctor once asked and you blanked out. Your body shakes and the traumatic experience of being forced to read from a young age came into you.

"Books?" The therapist asks again when you kept quiet. Jaehyun sits next to you, holding your hand and he frowns when your grip tightens.

"Hell." Was all you say before clenching your fist and holding your head from throbbing so much.

You woke up on your private room already Jaehyun happens to be writing down the notes from today's session.

"I saw some memories Jae. What month is this?" You asked out of the blue

"No don't ask me questions. Rest (y/n)" Jaehyun tried to divert your attention.

"Month Jae!" You scream and right on time a nurse came in she heard your question and easily answered “November?"

You count and stared in horror "The test... 8 months left Jae! How can I memorize what I've learnt since baby to now?!"

The nurse was surprised maybe by your burst of words or just surprised by your sentence and Jaehyun shot her a dead glare.

She quickly changed your IV and left after seeing your panic stage.

You were shaking, nerves suddenly transmitting traumatic memories and you cried when you tried to remember everything you've worked super hard on... gone with one accident.

"(Y/n) calm down. Forget that! forget that test! You need to heal yourself first." Jaehyun holds you back from your panic attack.

Your parents saw you frantically shake on your bed with Jaehyun trying his best to calm you down. They ran to your side and when they heard what you said, their heart broke and for the first time your parents realized they've been doing the wrong thing to you.

"Mother is sorry, please (y/n).. honey" she cried... if your mind is right, you'll choke up for she never calls you sweet names, but you have no recollection of that, "honey please forget that test. Forgive me and dad for being too hard on you. Please my one and only precious daughter... just heal yourself first. You don't have to take the test now. Calm down."

Actually, Jaehyun finally talked to your parents, he talked politely about the way your parents raised both you and Doyoung in a wrong way. No, he didn't blame your parents for wanting the best, he just told them they shouldn't be comparing child and shouldn't put too much force on something one doesn't like. He explained the effect you had growing up like that and your mom was crying when she heard Jaehyun's easy explanation.

"We're sorry... now how do we fix this?" Your mother asked to the young man across him.

"If you let me, this is a new blank page. Like a reset button, though (y/n) might get fragments of the dark memories, but we can at least rewrite the pages and put in more love and joy into her life."

Your parents both agreed and let Jaehyun does his best to fix their mistakes.

So here you are, sitting on your bed for the third month already, mind still somehow fuzzy and you always stare at your room with blank face. You noticed the plain walls and when you arrived at your home, the grand piano greeted you, but you were confused of the big thing.

"Hey (y/n)," Jaehyun greets you when he comes into your room, "Hungry?" He asks first thing first after you wake up.

You nod your head and notice the lack of food on his hand.

"No breakfast?" Your face shows confusion.

Yes you were eating breakfast on bed for one month, mostly because your doctor also told you to not use your legs too much, but Jae saw it is quite the time you learn to walk and eat properly.

"There is, but not here. Come, we will eat properly." Jaehyun helps you stand, and he walks you to the dining table.

There you sit down, eyes empty as you scan the room, still unable to remember where and what is this place.

Your maid comes with a plate of your favorite breakfast. You look at Jaehyun with expecting eyes, he usually sits on the side of your table and feeds you. All you have to do is wait for the food to come into your mouth!

"Jae?" You question him when he picks up his own knife and fork then he digs into his own plate.

You watch him and he speaks up "Copy me."

You pick up the fork and knife, take the detail and switch the position when Jaehyun shows the right way.

He sees you struggle with your knife still and chooses to cut it for you. He returns the plate with small chunks of eggs and sausages then pushes it back to you.

"Now, eat." He continues doing his activity and with trembling hand (because everything is like you learning from basic) and slow but steady you can eat by yourself.

Jaehyun smiles with adoration, he couldn't deny you're actually smart like gifted smart... he thought there was no way someone could live like you and Doyoung if they do not have a bright basic.

"Delicious?" Jaehyun asks after you finish your plate.

You nod "Thank you" and both your eyes and his open wide.

"Did I just say thank you?" You also sound surprised.

Jaehyun nods "I mean i haven't remind you about table manners, but as expected that big brain is not completely blank, I guess."

The day continues with Jaehyun teaching you some more basic knowledge, you sit down on the sofa and your eyes bore into the big grand piano. Jaehyun noticed ever since you came home you seemed super curious about it. He is not the best pianist, but he can play some songs.

"Come, I think you're interested in this." Jaehyun sits you on a chair beside the piano and he takes his seat.

"Okay I am not as good as you, but let's try this. maybe music can bring back my (y/n)." Jaehyun plays some keys to warm up his fingers and he didn't see the sudden surprise you have in your eyes.

Jaehyun plays a simple piece of your favorite sad song, Clair de Lune. He said he wasn't a great player, but here he is confidently playing one song from the master part.

You clap your hands astonished when he finishes half of the song and surprise him with what you say next.

"That is beautiful. Why did you stop?"

Jaehyun wants to scream, music brings you back? Did your brain forget everything else that is painful to you, but not music because it's the only thing you do with love?

"Want to try?" Jaehyun stands up and helps you get comfortable.

Your eyebrow knits together when you first eye the black and white keys and then after placing two hands over them and closing your eyes, as if it's muscle memories your finger expertly play the same piece Jaehyun showed you, but this time you finished the whole song.

Jaehyun has this recorded and if he knew this earlier, he would've made you sit here and play more music. He notes how your eyes glimmer when your fingers still remember the song and for once Jaehyun saw a willing to live in your eyes.

to be continued... (or not if this is not interesting to read :D)

tell me should I continue or not? and make this happy end or sad end?

[catdadacd]

Hi, can I ask for: routine kisses where the other person presents their cheek/forehead for the hello/goodbye kiss without even looking up from what they’re doing

Thank you!

Apologies for being the slowest writer to grace this earth, and for this being super short to boot, but I hope you enjoy it.

Autopilot

It was safe to say that no one at the 118 had been particularly shocked at how quickly their relationship had moved once they had actually got it moving. They still had things to figure out, and weekly therapy sessions and conversations to have, but they’re firefighters, and so the likelihood is, that was never going to change. If they were going to do it together, they may as well do it together. That was the easy part really. The transition between best friends to lovers – partners. Not all of it, but given how domestic their friendship had already been, considering how Christopher already saw Buck as part of the family and a parental figure – it wasn’t a tectonic shift. It wasn’t exactly groundbreaking.

The fact that Buck had pretty much moved in with Eddie three months in? Not a shock. There were no accusations of them taking things too quickly because, well, they weren’t. Nothing had changed, except maybe the intimacy aspect, and that wasn’t talking about sex, that was something that they still working through, not all the way there yet, but new gazes that passed between them, touches that felt like more, kisses, both private and heated, and general displays of affection that don’t really offend anyone (except Christopher, who found the whole ordeal of a kiss on the cheek positively, over-dramatically, traumatizing.)

Like the ones that tended to happen between them if one was leaving the house without the other. When Buck decides to go for a run before breakfast; he fills his water bottle and heads out, meeting a sleep-ruffled Eddie in the hall, threads his fingers through the stuck-up mass of hair and smacks a loud, wet kiss on his cheek before he slips his running shoes on and leaves. Or when Eddie picks up an extra shift and leaves Buck at home with Christopher, his hand will slide over the back of Bucks head to tilt him down and plant a kiss on his forehead.

Of course, it wasn’t something they took to work, difficult though it may be. The eye rolls and coos from Hen would be easy to deal with, even the teasing and threats of non-grievous harm from Chimney. It just wasn’t professional. 118 get togethers were fair game, but not in the loft and not on calls. Simple.

Or so it seems.

Because sometimes, routine overrides the brain. Buck can’t count the number of times people talk about driving to work and they’re still half asleep. It’s just routine. They wake up, drink coffee, have a shower, brush their teeth, get dressed and then get in a car. Start the engine, put it in drive, take the same route they’ve taken everyday for however many years, sit in the same traffic with some of the same faces every morning. By the middle of the day, they don’t remember having done it. Autopilot.

He and Eddie have their own little autopilot now. One leaves, the other gets a kiss. It’s easy as that. So, on the day that Eddie can’t get a session with Frank on a day he’s not working, or over the weekend, he takes a half day from work. They get back from a fairly routine call, and have time to loiter, some doing odd jobs, Bobby cooking. Eddie changes out of his uniform and gets ready to leave. Runs up the stairs to say his farewells since they won’t be in the next day, and on his way behind the chair where Buck is sitting reading, Buck tilts his head back on to the back rest, far enough that he can still see Eddie. Eddie bends, places a hand under his chin and kisses his forehead before running off down the stairs.

Buck smiles and goes back to his book, not thinking anything of it until he notices the eerie silence around him and the telling feeling that he’s being watched. He knows the minute he lifts his head, he’s gonna get it.

[stripesthesupervillain]

More Scenarios of Jonathan Crane Being Casually Creepy

Related to this post I made about Jon and humor.

If Crane is in some sort of cartoon or the writers are trying to add comedy to his character, as I said before, fear puns won’t do. You gotta play up his gimmick a bit— he’s the Master of Fear! I think the perfect type of comedy for Crane is him being both unintentionally and casually creepy.

Whenever someone conviniently need Crane and call him, he either walks out of a random closet, crawls out from under their bed, or was already staring at them from outside their window.

Every so often Edward and Jervis will go looking for Crane and they’ll find him silently staring through the window of a suburban home. They ask what he’s doing and he’s like “field research. Anyhow, I’m free. What did you need?”

Jonathan mentions in the asylum that he likes to take notes of people and Edward’s like “Oh you mean like habits and fears.” And Jon goes “Not exactly; did you know that you breathe approximately twenty times per minute while you sleep? You took in a breath 9,828 times last night.” There was a moment of silence and then Crane goes “So yeah, I can get you info on Joker. What did you want to know?”

At random times he’ll just start giggling creepily for minutes on end. When he gets stares he’s like “sorry. I just remembered a funny joke Harley told me.”

If a rogue has ever done anything in secret, there will be times where that rogue will be chatting with a friend get a sudden phone call. When they answer it, heavy breathing is heard on the other end and they hear someone whisper “I know what you did. Check under your bed the next time you think you’re alone.” And then the phone just hangs up and it’s never brough up again for the rest of the episode.

Whenever he needs to talk to someone, that person will enter a room casually, not noticing him standing in a dark corner breathing heavily.

Harley finds several bottles of water labeled “Victim tears” in Jon’s fridge. She rolls her eyes playfully and takes a swig, only to be horrified by how salty it is. Then Jonathan comes in, takes a bottle, and walks out drinking it.

Jervis opens Jonathan’s closet to see a real skeleton in there. Jervis demands answers and Jonathan just shrugs and says “It was there when I moved in.” Jervis asks, “Why did you leave it in here instead of cleaning it out?” And Jonathan just stared Jervis in the eyes like “In case the owner comes to take it back.”

Joker has a cell to himself, and yet every so often Crane will randomly walk up to him and say shit like “What shampoo do you use? I couldn’t help but notice how soft your hair was while I was watching you sleep.”

You hear him hum slow and creepy melodies in the dead of night, and when you walk in on him he actually has his headphones in, humming along with the music as he works.

During art therapy he’s be casually chatting with Harley and laughing as he crochets a noose.

Every picture taken of Jonathan always has him staring and grinning eerily at the camera. No mater when and were— he can be fifty feet away, but if you snap a photo, sure enough he’s be staring at the camera, grinning from ear to ear.

At one point Harley is determined and gives Crane a glass of water. As he has the glass to his lips with his head tilted back, she snaps a photo. “Ha! Gotchya looking normal!” She shouts triumphantly. Crane rolls his eyes and says “look again”. She looks back at the photo in confusion only to see Crane grinning eerily at the camera with a glass full of spiders and she’s like “Okay what the fuck.”

[ynsimagines]

Supergirl “Die From A Broken Heart”

This is another oneshot about singer/songwriter B!D. This oneshot is based of a song from artists Maddie and Tae called “Die from a Broken Heart.” I dont any of these lyrics. 

Easter was supposed to be a happy time. A time to celebrate with friends and family, eat a lot of good food and of course chocolate. It was also a time to spend with your s/o. Unless of course you both got into a massive argument a couple days before resulting in him spilling red wine all over your favorite dress and storming out of your Nashville apartment. Apparently you didn’t spend enough time with him you were always too focused on your music or your friends and sisters. 

As if it couldn’t get any worse this morning you woke up to a text that said “we’re done.” You laid back down on your bed and immediately started to cry. Kara must’ve heard you because after a few minutes she was knocking on your door.

“Little one, whats wrong? Can I come in?” Asked your older sister.

“Yes,” you chocked. Forget trying to be tough or putting up a front you just wanted your big sister.

The superhero walked in looking extremely concerned. She knew about the fight you had a couple days ago, and probably was able to guess what happened. She sat down on your bed and took you in her arms as you continued to sob.

“Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry.” She said rubbing your back. Kara wished she could take all your pain away, but unfortunately that was something Supergirl couldn’t do.

“He broke up with me with a text. How does he sleep at night?” You asked.

Kara looked at you sadly, “I dont know babe, but he’s got some nerve breaking up with you that way especially since your big sister is Supergirl.”

This actually caused you to laugh, but then pretty soon you started crying again. Kara looked at you sympathetically moving some hair out of your face.

“How do you get red wine out of a dress?” you asked causing Kara to have a confused look on her face. 

“I dont know baby girl, Eliza will probably,” with that you nodded.

“I’ll call Alex, and we’ll have a sisters day at home.”

You shook your head, “it’s Easter we’re all going to brunch with everyone, you cant just cancel.”

“Our friends will understand, sweetheart.”

“They shouldn’t have to it’s okay, I’ll be fine” you insisted. 

Kara seemed to think about this for a second before letting out a breath she was holding. “Alright little one.”

You both got up and as you went to the bathroom to wash your face Kara went to text Alex and let her know the current situation. When you walked out into the kitchen you saw her making both of you Coffee.

“I have a headache,” you said sitting down at the counter. 

Kara walked over with a glass of water and some aspirin almost as if she predicted what you just said. 

“That’ll be the dehydration,” she responded kissing the top of your head. 

After drinking your coffee you went back to your room and tried making yourself look presentable you looked over at your bed, and noticed your pillow had mascara stains on it. You’d have to ask your mom how to get those out. 

As you got ready for the day you started thinking about your relationship. Sure you’d been pretty busy, but you made an effort to spend time with him, but you also had to make sure you spent time with your friends and sisters. It was difficult to balance work with your personal life especially since you were in Nashville anywhere from once to three times a month, but you always made time for him.

Once you finished getting ready you and Kara headed over to the restaurant where you met Alex, Lena, and Your mom. You would have to wait up for your other friends to arrive.

You hugged all three of them they’d probably heard through the grape vine what happened. “Hey mom, how do you get a red wine stain out of a dress?” The other four women looked at you sympathetically and Eliza seems to think it over for a minute. 

“Boiling water, if that doesn’t work try vinegar,” answered Lena surprising you all. 

“How’d you know that, Lena” asked Kara surprised she was pretty sure Lena had never done laundry before. 

“I’ve had to get out a few red wine stains before” Lena said looking at you sadly.

“What about black mascara off a pillowcase?” Alex reached her hand out and began to rub your shoulder comfortingly.

“The same thing Lena said, Boiling water of vinegar,” answered your mom at this you nodded. 

“Mom, can I come and maybe stay a few days? This weekend or next?” you asked something about being home always comforted you. Your mom grabbed your hand, “you can come anytime sweetheart, I’m always here for you.”

At that the rest of the super friends begun arriving. 

You had managed to mostly put up a front that day. many of your friends knew what happened but you didn't want to be a bummer so you decided not to talk about it. You did however ask J’onn if he could come look at the front door of your apartment in Nashville since it got slammed and doesn’t close right to which he readily agreed, and also subtly let you know you could talk to him about anything. “What are space dads for?”

He also asked if you wanted him to take care of anything and you immediately knew what he was hinting at. You told him no and to keep his pistol in the drawer as mad as you were at your ex you didn't want anything bad to happen to him. You’d have to remember to tell Alex the same thing...

That night you were completely exhausted emotionally and physically. You laid on yours and Kara’s couch with your head on Alex’s lap who decided to spend the night in order to make sure you were ok and your feet on Kara’s.

“Alex?” you asked trying not to cry for the umpteenth time today. 

“Yeah, baby girl?” 

“Can your knees give out from praying so hard?”

Alex sighed sadly seeming to think about it for a minute while she gently rubbed your shoulder. “I dont think so sweetheart.”

“Can you go blind from crying in the dark?” at this your voice cracked. “Was it ever real if he doesn't feel the way I feel?” you sat up now and were full on sobbing Alex sat next to you and wrapped her arms around you from behind. And Kara got in front of you looking into your eyes.

“It was real,” she tells you firmly. “The way you felt was real and that’s all that matters.” 

“I wanna kick myself for falling so hard, can you die from a Broken Heart?”

Kara shook her head and kissed her forehead, “you’re not gonna die sweetheart, you’re gonna be alright.” 

“And were gonna help you get through this,” Alex said also kissing the top of your head. And you continued like that crying in your sisters arms until you fell asleep.

The next morning you woke up from text messages from many of your friends. Nia and Lena both told you they were always there to talk with Nia offering to take you for some retail therapy. Lena offered to take you to lunch to get your mind off things, and Winn said you should get together and have a video game marathon. It made you feel a little better knowing you had so many people there to help you. But you felt like your heart was broken all over again when you checked your FB and saw that your ex had changed his relationship status to single. How could he leave you and move on so easily. 

You went out to the living room where your sisters were making breakfast and handed them the phone not wanting to verbally communicate what happened. 

“Oh sweetheart,” said Alex coming to give you a hug along with Kara. “I promise one day you’ll be able to look back on this,” you cut her off.

“Alex, please dont say I’m gonna laugh about this someday you didn’t see the way he drove away,” Alex looked at you sadly and nodded.

“Okay, baby girl why dont you eat something Kara and I made breakfast you’ll feel better.”

Later that day you went back into your room after rejecting Alex and Kara’s offer to go out on a walk and thought about everything you’d been through this past week. Every conversation and bit of advice you’d gotten and all of your feelings and despite what Kara said all you could keep thinking was “Can you Die From a Broken Heart?” You thought to yourself that it was a great idea for a song, and it made you laugh. You always used music throughout your life as a way of dealing with situations. You grabbed your songbook, a pen, your guitar and got to work

.

It was months later your new single “Die from a Broken Heart” had been released by your label not before playing it for your sisters who loved it. The other super friends had now heard it as well and thought it was brilliant. The song was now climbing the charts. You were currently back in Nashville getting ready to film the music video for your song when your manager called.

“Hey Liz, whats up?” You said from the hair and makeup chair.

“Have you looked at the charts recently” said the older women. 

“Not in the last week, why?” You asked curiously.

“I think you should see for yourself” she said excitedly. So you did just that to see your song was now number one on the Billboard country charts, “Oh my god, we did it.”

“No you did it,” said Liz. You’d had songs go number one before, but honestly it never got old. “Liz I gotta go I need to tell my sisters and friends, we’ll celebrate tonight.” 

You facetimed your sisters and they were of course ecstatic and so proud of promising to also celebrate with you when you got back home and you soon got a bunch more congratulations texts from the rest of your friends. 

.

It had been a few more months the music video came out and was amazing as well. Everyone loved it and you even made Kara and your mom cry. 

You had just received your platinum record in the mail and your older sisters couldn’t be more proud of you as you were currently getting ready to go out and celebrate at karaoke night with the Super friends.

.

And one year later you won a Song writers award for the lyrics which was a first for your career, and so amazing to be noticed in that way.

“I really have you guys to thank you guys” you said to your sisters and friends before you were going to perform at the award ceremony they had come too. “With all the conversations we had and the advice you gave me you practically co wrote it,” you said making everyone laugh. You cheersed with them before getting ready to go on stage.

“I never did actually get the red wine out of my dress” you said to your sisters afterwards. “But maybe having my heart broken wasn’t such a bad thing.”

[a-mended-pact]

Chapter : Seven

This chapter is Reader and Spencer finally discussing what's going on. It's a little angst but a semi happy ending.

Taglist is open. 🥰

Part 6

This one is definitely one of my favorite chapters I've written so far.

Word count: 3,121

I am currently experiencing heavy writers block so I would love to know your thoughts or theories!

If you have questions for the series please message or send an ask.

Requests are open

I ended up walking out of the room and I could feel myself shaking. I was infuriated. I had been so upset with everything that happened between Spencer and Cat that I couldn’t see straight. Maybe I was being overly emotional but to be fair I still haven’t slept yet. Spencer had followed me out but neither of us made it far before I saw Ethan sitting in the break room talking to Jj. I glanced at Spencer then back at him. ‘He deserves to be in a cell, not in our break room. You and I both know that.’ He sighed and nodded knowing damn well now was not the time to fully argue with me. My hands were sore. I needed a release from the stress of the past couple of days. I would much rather the endorphins get released by Spencer and I tangled within the sheets.

It had been sometime since Spencer and I had been intimate due to work and me just not being in the mood because of the recent changes in my medication. We hadn’t openly discussed what had been going on with us to anyone on the team. At least I didn't. I wanted to keep things to myself. I had always suffered with dark thoughts and bad coping mechanisms. It wasn’t until Spencer pointed it out when we started living together. That it wasn't pointed out to me. He had spoken to me about it as gently as possible because he understood it was a sensitive topic that could either make me sob or be deeply upset with him and push him away. 

It luckily ended in me trusting his judgement and he set me up with a psychologist. Within a month of therapy they decided I needed meds for my issues. Mood stabilizers, Antidepressants and anxiety medication. It took a lot of trial and error for us to find the right ones that worked for me. I was lucky enough to have a person in my life to love me through the changes I had to experience during that time. I unfortunately suffered from a hazy mind. If I get too focused on something I tend to forget to take all of the above. Spencer always kept a track of when I took them. He’d message me when I needed to when we weren’t together no matter what. 

Of course he couldn’t when he was kidnapped. So here I was having a hard time processing everything I needed to. ‘You need to go home and sleep, eat and take your medication my love.’ As he spoke he cupped my face and rubbed his thumb over my cheek. I couldn’t help but notice the way Ethan looked at me with envy from the other room when I wasn’t staring into Spencer’s golden irises. A part of me felt like Spencer was just trying to get rid of me but I also knew he needed to come home and rest too. I can’t imagine he actually got any while he was kidnapped even if he was presumably only with Ethan. 

I grabbed his hand and held it to my face as I leaned into it. I didn’t care that I had to stretch out my freshly made wounds. If anything the pain was a nice distraction from the whirlwind my mind had become from the ticking of the hours that had gone by. ‘Please come home with me. Ethan will be taken care of and it’s not like the Kitten can get out of her cell. Please.’ His eyes softened as he heard me speak and he went to shake his head no until Emily spoke up from behind us. 

‘Both of you are going home. Neither of you have a choice in the matter. Everyone here has gotten rest but you two. The rest of the team and I can handle this by ourselves for a little while. Go home you two.’ She spoke loud enough to cause a scene and I couldn’t help but wince as everyone stared. ‘She’s right you haven’t eaten a proper meal Y/L/N in days’ Rossi commented from the peanut gallery. I pulled Spencer’s hand away from my face and squeezed it tightly. I hated being called out by anyone that wasn’t him. He has learned how to do it without making me feel guilty over the past couple of years. Right now all I felt was guilt. Guilty over the fact that on top of worrying about Spencer they were worried about me as well. I was such a screw up I swear. ‘ I agree I think I saw you resting your eyes maybe 10 minutes before you headed to the vending machine for an energy drink because the coffee wasn’t working for you anymore.’ Luke commented as he brought me my cardigan that I had draped over my chair at my desk. I sighed as I looked at him. 

‘Guys we are going. I promise.’ Spencer spoke as he began to pull my hand lightly to lead me away from everyone. ‘Don’t forget to put him in a holding cell.’ I said as I pointed at Ethan as his eyes never seemed to leave Spencer and I. I locked on to his gaze and followed his line of sight. Correction: it wasn’t on both of us. It was only on Spencer. 

I squeezed his hand harder than I probably should have. I didn't care. Ethan was truly creeping me out at that moment. Why was he staring at my husband like a child that had their favorite comfort item taken from them as a punishment.  Perhaps in a way that's what I was doing. I knew the moment he and I left they would treat him like an unsub as they should. He'd get no special treatment because Spencer wouldn't be around. I was giddy at the thought and let out a small laugh as I walked out of the building with him in tow.

-----------------

I felt a weight leave my chest when Y/n asked me to shower with her. I logically knew it was probably because she couldn't bring herself to actually wash her hair or even herself.  I was just thrilled over the fact that once our front door was locked into place she didn't turn around and snap at me about what happened between Cat and I.  I knew what I let happen bothered her greatly. We've spoken about it before many times.  I knew this time though I had almost opened Pandora's box. Perhaps I had only placed the key into it instead. 

Still pulling her into my arms as the hot water washed over us was enough to make me sob into her freshly washed hair. I never wanted her to doubt my love for her. Yet here I was showing attraction to two different people and that wasn't fair to her. Sure it hadn't been spoken about nor did she know about the relationship Ethan and I shared when we were much younger. She had a right to know. I knew that. I also knew now wasn't the time to mention it.

I felt her put her full weight into me as the water droplets rolled down her soft skin. She seemed so fragile.  We seemed so fragile.  Maybe I was overthinking. Maybe I was making up scenarios that would never come. Her hand inched up tracing the wound on my chest underneath it's bandage. I tried not to wince but no matter how gently she caressed it with her fingertips it still stung like it did when it was given to me mere days ago.

'I can't believe he did this to you.' Her voice was barely a whisper as if she too were afraid it would shatter the solace we found behind a mere shower curtain.  I caught her hand in mine and placed it over my heart. I leaned in and kissed her as gently as I could muster. She returned it in kind but I could tell she had more to say. So of course I let her. 

'He hurt you Spence and all you've done is protect him. I want to understand but I can't seem to wrap my head around why you'd protect a man that did such awful things to you.' As she spoke I remembered why I let him get away with it. It was simple. I couldn't remember who had actually hurt me. If it were him or Lindsey.  I never coherently saw her. I only saw him and I felt like that was deliberately done. 

'Sweetheart, do you trust me and my judgment on the matter?' As I spoke I pulled away from her to turn the water off and grab a towel wrapping her up in one first before I grabbed my own to dry myself off too. I watched in awe as she dried off and her breast jiggled as she did so. I had to turn my gaze away. Now was certainly not the time to be trying to bed my wife. I would be lying though if I said I didn't want to distract myself from everything that had happened these past few days.

Her and I both needed rest. She needed to eat first to take her medicine.  That was top priority not my raging lust for her. 'I do. I just. I don't know there's things I don't know that I need to know before I make my final judgement on the situation. All I know is that my husband has been sexually touched, kidnapped and tortured in a matter of days and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome besides not walking out of the bureau when Cat touched you through your slacks!'  

I could hear the frustration in her voice as she pulled on her panties and one of my t-shirts from college.  I watched her as she quickly left the bathroom to head into the kitchen. I quickly slid on my gray sweats and rushed after her. I didn't like the idea of her being alone when she was angry and not in a great state of mind. 

'I'm sorry.' I pulled her into me as she began to make herself toast. I placed a kiss on the junction between her neck and shoulder. 'I should have stopped the whole thing sooner. I just kept trying because I was certain if I did she'd slip up but she never did.' 

By now I knew how Y/N's mind worked. 'Spencer you didn't stop her because you didn't want to. Whether you understand your attraction to her or not. You've always wanted to sleep with her. You yourself told me so when we were just friends. Don't start lying to me now about things' She pulled away from me and took the toast and her glass of water to the couch.

I realized then that she had actually made me some toast as well. I turned around to grab my own glass of water and her medicine. I sat beside her and sighed. 'Eat first then take your medicine. If you are feeling up to it I'll tell you before we go to bed tonight. Everything you need to know and probably things you'd rather not hear but as my wife and my best friend you have the right to know everything.' 

She nodded as she bit into her food. Tears were silently streaming down her face already. I knew right now that it wasn't because of me. Not fully anyway she was just overwhelmed.  

We ate in silence. I handed her; her pills and she took them without complaint. If anything she seemed rather numb to everything around her.

'Maybe telling you should wait.' I said as I pulled her to me. 'Thank you for not fighting with me about taking your medicine.' I kissed her cheek. 'I'm proud of you and how well you've held yourself together while I was gone.' She wasn't codependent on me per say but praise was always something I gave her. Especially after mom started to pick fights with me about her medication.  Y/n was a walk in the park for me compared to her. She always felt bad that I needed to take care of her when she wasn't in her right state of mind. 

To be honest though I love taking care of her. She was perfectly capable of doing anything and everything on her own but she trusted me enough to shut her brain off for a bit and let me take the reins for a few hours or even days. Right at this moment was one of those times. It's not like I didn't have days and times like her where I shut my mind off as well because I did and she would baby me and look after me like I am her at this very moment. 

'I'd rather you tell me right now. I don't have the urge to fight or to do much of anything.' I nodded as I pulled her up with me and led her to the bed laying down with her and holding her from behind.

'First and foremost. I am in love with you with every fiber of my being. I don't ever want you to doubt that but I'll understand after I tell you everything if you do but I need you to always remember I will choose you without hesitation, without question.' She nodded after I was done. My fingers traced up and down her hand as I held her as close as possible. 

'I'll always be your best friend first. Then your wife. That was something I told you on our wedding day and I plan to stick by that choice. I only ask that you stay remaining honest with me. I can't stand not knowing what's going on in your mind. As long as we stay honest with one another I know that we can make it through anything.' She pulled my hand up to her lips and kissed it and I couldn't help but sigh in relief. She was more than I deserved and I don't think anyone would ever understand how much I didn't deserve her.

'I'm not sure if it was Ethan that hurt me. I know he was the one to kidnap me but other than that I don't believe it was him. He would never hurt someon-' I stopped myself as I was searching for the right words. I could tell she was waiting with baited breath. 'Ethan would never hurt me like that would most likely be the proper word to say.'

She nodded 'You're holding back love. Just say what needs to be said.  I can take it.'

I bit my lip and exhaled. 'Ethan wouldn't hurt me like that because he has been in love with me since college. We um.. he was- i-' I was struggling trying to form words. The past Ethan and I had together was a good one but he was also my first heartbreak. 

'He was your first love huh? It's okay Spence we all have a past. Some of us just don't stay close to those from it.' As she spoke she rolled over to face me with a soft smile on her lips. 'Keep going. It's okay.' I know all of her wanted to cup my face but she restrained herself and just made due fiddling with my wedding band on my finger. Which is something she always did when we were having a deep conversation. I knew as long as she was playing with mine and not her own that we were okay.

`We were friends for a long time before him and I became intimate with one another.  We always sorta stepped around the subject but one day after class he asked me out on a movie date. One thing led to another and I was in his room and we- we slept together.' She nodded again telling me to continue as her eyes stayed on her moving fingers. 

I made a face. It's not the fact that I didn't want to tell her it was just the fact that I didn't know how. 

'We dated all of college and then we separated when I joined the academy. I made it and he didn't.  We grew apart. One thing led to another and I caught him in a very intimate position with someone. He claimed that the other person involved was the one that started it. He didn't have time to react before I walked out.' 

I didn't dare look at her. I knew it was dumb of me to still be so hurt by what happened between him and I but I was. I trusted him deeply even to this day but I just couldn't let go of the way it looked like that wasn't their first kiss. No matter how many times he proved to me that it was.

Her hand moved to cup my face as she kissed away the small tears that I was shedding.

'I'm sorry he broke your heart Spencer.  You didn't deserve that.'

'After I left we never fully spoke again. I never gave him the time of day. Not fully.  We'd talk as friends and we'd talk for cases such as where Jj met Will but other than that I just shut anything to do with him out.'

I looked at her finally, my vision blurry with unshed tears and she looked at me and smiled softly at me. 'The truth is I was in love with him.  After him I fell in love with Maeve. Then I met you and it's like everything started making sense again.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't drawn to you originally because in some aspects you reminded me of him.  I think that was one of the reasons I first realized I was attracted to you.'

She pulled me in suddenly and kissed me sweetly on the lips.  'I love you Spencer. You and the things that make you, you now. We need to talk about Catherine but I'm getting very very sleepy and all I want from you right now is for you to let me drown in you and pretend for a small amount of time that these past few days haven't happened.' 

I pulled her into me and held her as she buried her face into my hair.  'I love you Mrs Reid more than you will ever be able to comprehend.'

With that we both fell asleep for the first time in 4 days. 

Taglist:

@sassymoon @rainsong01 @onlyhereforthefanfics @itsdars

[butitseverythingtiny]

About Blogger, tiny intro

Small tiny things can be so enormous. I know from my extreme weird obsession with tiny things.

Although I don't own much of the small stuff.

I don't know if this started when i was young, growing up with a total of eight siblings we didn't have much. 

Yes we were poor. Growing up in southern California wasn't easy. 

Didn't have much stuff, or friends. I was a little introvert.

When I was in my tween years a school project that we had to do every week was we had to get a newspaper and write a summary of a story that we read. 

I guess that's where I became interested in articles. 

So in my teen years i wanted to become a writer or a journalist where i could write stories and articles, but hanging out with the wrong crowd stopped me from following my dreams. 

I knew I was a little special, what I mean by that is I had some mental issues when I battled it at a young age, but wasn't able to get help because of my religious beliefs. 

I started therapy a little bit after I became an adult, my father died of a sudden heart attack. Shortly when I noticed it was time to end my life.

I didn't know what was going on. I just came out of a rocky relationship, I felt like everything was over. 

I started working after everything that happened. My first two jobs didn't go well. I was seeing shadows, hallucinating and my depression was at an all time high. I started drinking and what you may call partying.

Shortly my mother started to get sick so i was given the option of quitting or being let go. Due to my performance at work not being so good. I was sleeping on the hospital floor in the room while watching over my mother.

It turns out seeking help at the age of 25, changed my life. I was diagnosed with major depression, schizophrenia and other mental brain disorders. 

Yes i was put on medication and after seven years off and on all kinds of different medications I found the right ones. Just in case you're wondering, I'm going strong and currently on my medication.

During that time I stayed home and took care of my mother. We were living together and now that i think about it, i think the way we both dealt with our depression was by buying stuff. 

We would buy random stuff at thrift stores, sometimes it was broken stuff even. 

My fascination at that time was VHS movies. I had that I remember counting a collection total of 2083 tapes. A few of them were the same tape, but know more than 3 copies for some. 

There was something about the quality of the film that I loved. I still do tell this day. 

When we moved from the house I grew up in to a city thirty minutes away, we still would go buy random stuff. 

I remember watching a show on the travel channel one night when i had to stay up to watch my mother as she wasn't doing so good that night. I believe I thought she was going to pass. I woke up to check on her, she was there unconscious. I don't remember exactly what had made her that way. 

The show was about an older couple who built a tiny home and they lived in it when the 2008 housing market went down hill, and the economy was at an all time low. 

The show talked about how they had to build a new home on an old trailer bed because when they were relocating to another state. They had hit a storm in the southern part of America and the mile high winds knocked over their building and shortly was struck by a tornado.

I remember being shocked and wanting to build one for myself, I thought to myself that it would be nice to own and take your own home with you wherever you go. 

So from that day on I became a tiny house dreamer. I know that one day I will have my tiny home. 

I knew that was the start of my obsession. 

Growing in the late 90’s early 2000’s, I appreciated all the small things that life gave me. 

Being a Christian in a church that didn't allow lots of stuff. My parents became stricter than what they already were. The things I had were not big, but I loved them.

In the late 2000’s and early 2010’s, which in my opinion had the best music, movies, technology and was the best era ever. 

That being said, as the tech got stronger you were more hip with the smaller devices. For example nowadays if you have the biggest cellphone, computer or tablet, you get some kind of cred.

I guess that's another reason why I like tiny stuff.

In early 2017 my mother was in hospice at my sisters house weeks before I was told by the hospital and the dialysis company to think about putting her there, she wasn't doing so well. 

I called my sisters and brothers to have a family meeting, where we came to an agreement where she would be placed in a home. Shortly we realized her roommate wasn't in the right place of mind so my sister took her home to rest at her place.

During the day i would sleep while my family would take care of her, during this time I would stay up all night watching her as they rested. 

I remember the night she passed like if it was yesterday. Everyone was home and my sister was in bed, around 5:13 am she started making noises. I thought she was thirsty so I got a straw and gave her literally a drop of water. She moved her head back and side to side. 

I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her as I combed her hair with my palm.

I sat down and got my phone and less than five minutes from when I checked on her, my sister walked in and said good morning. She noticed that my mother had no reaction. 

That's when we noticed that she passed.

A year later after seeking therapy again, I was recommended to a behavioral health outpatient program where I made friends and found the help I needed.

I didn't graduate High school til the Age of 32. 

I read a lot of articles in my time and I honestly still do. Whether its a long one like this one i'm writing, or if it's a short one ( that I’m hoping to write for this blog ) my goal is to be successful and follow my dream. 

I have been thinking of writing a blog for years now, but the one thing that reall pushed me was last week I heard from my friend after two months. 

We use to video chat every other day and text everyday. 

I thought she got back with her ex which i think is stupid because we known each other for eight years and he forbid us from talking knowing that we both don’t have feeling for each other. We are like brother and sister.

When i talked to her on Sunday she made me realize that life is short and it's never too late to follow your dreams. 

She was out in a ICU in Minnesota, she was in a coma for three days and had to learn how to keep her body balanced and kinda learn how to take steps again. She's able to walk, but slowly and with a walker. 

She almost died because of Covid-19.

When we talked she asked me what am doing with my life. I didn't know what to say at that point. She told me you should start following your dreams, if you don't chase them then you might never catch them. 

When she told me this, it reminded me of two things I read. Quotes.

“Only put off tomorrow, what you are willing to die is left undone.” -Pablo Picasso

“Never be afraid to follow your dreams at any age, life is too short to wait.” -Unknown

Since 2020 was a bad year, I figured this was going to be my year. I figured like the quote above says, follow your dreams at any age. 

So that being said, let me tell you what this page is going to be about…

So my plan for this blog is to write small articles about everything tiny. Hopefully under 500 words. If i go over i apologize now. There will be content about everything. (tech, fitness, love, houses, budgeting, whatever I can research on really.) 

I will try to post every other week or maybe once a week, but for now every other week. It sound good and more realistic. I’ll post on Mondays or Saturdays, but looking at Mondays.

When I asked what encouraged them to write a blog. They told me that i should write what interests me, write what I feel and to stay true to my opinions. That's why I wrote this long introduction.

I know i could have made it a lot shorter but I wanted you to get to know a little bit about the writer. 

Now if you like what you read, follow me (i’ll follow back) 

If you have a story you would like me to write about DM me or leave a comment.

If you would want me to write a story about you. Email me at: submittoeverythingtiny@gmail.com

Thank you so much for your time.

-Juan.

[let-it-raines]

Catch Me If You Can (8/?)

298 days. That’s how long Killian Jones was away from a baseball field. It’s less than a year, only part of a season for him, but it might as well have lasted a decade as he alternated between physical therapy and spending an excessive amount of time sitting on his couch.

But then he came back and won the World Series. 

It’s something no one saw coming, and it’s certainly not something anyone who knows about his arm would predict. Now it’s a new season with new possibilities, and anything could happen. On-field reporter Emma Swan will be there to cover it all even if she is not his biggest fan right now. 

Asking her out live on-air will do that.

Rating: Mature

A/n: Have I ever mentioned how undeniably awesome that you guys are? Like, I absolutely cannot believe that there are people out there who keep reading these words that I’m slamming out. This story, I think, is probably my most planned out MC, and I’m too excited for you guys to get to see what’s going to happen! 

Thank you to @resident-of-storybrooke for being my beta, even if she did tell me that she was only doing it so that she didn’t have to wait for updates 💞

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |

Tag list: @royalswan @shey-starsfury @sals86 @iam2307 @ashley-knightingale @snowbellewells @karenfrommisthaven @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91 @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @emmas-storybook @ultimiflos @jamif @idristardis @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @tiganasummertree @wellhellotragic @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @ultraluckycatnd @cs-forlife @andiirivera@jonirobinson64 @mariakov81 @galaxyzxstark @qualitycoffeethings @thejollyroger-writer

-/-

“How’s Roland?” Killian asks Robin as he tosses a ball in his direction, the two of them beginning their early morning workouts to loosen up their arms. It’s chilly this morning, the sea breeze wafting over to the field, but he’s not going to complain when this is his kind of weather.

Perfect.

Everyone should always have a bit of sea in the air they’re breathing even if the salt water gives him flashbacks to the accident if he closes his eyes for too long. Luckily, it’s usually not like that whenever they’re in San Francisco, the city too different than the beach town in Florida where the accident happened. And he’s got baseball to focus on, not memories of the past that he can already see in scars on his arm and feel in the pain in his shoulder.  

“He’s currently mad at me for not letting him miss school to come out here with us.”

“Just get him a bobblehead. Kids love that. Addy and Lucy collect them now.”

Robin throws a ball at Killian, and it thwacks into his glove a little harder than he was expecting. Damn Locksley. “Roland only likes the Yankees. He gets pissed if anyone even mentions another team. I had to have a conference with his teacher about it because there were issues with other kids.”

Killian shouldn’t laugh, but he does, his shaking shoulders affecting his throw as he backs up to put some more space between he and Robin. “I mean, the kid is right. How could anyone ever love another team?”

“If you ever have kids, I’m going to make them Sox fans simply to torture you,” Robin teases. “Maybe even Dodgers fans.”

“That’ll never happen. Addy and Lucy wouldn’t let you.”

“I think I can overpower the two of them.”

Another toss, this one not as powerful as he was intending. “You’d be surprised. Roland could have flown out for the weekend, you know. I’m always happy to watch him on the days I’m not playing.”

“Carol hates flights. She wouldn’t fly out here with him, and we’re not about to let my six-year-old fly across the country unaccompanied.”

Killian nods his head as Robin throws the ball back, a soft thud landing in his glove. He and Robin have known each other for a decade now, and while Rob is probably his closest friend outside of Liam, he doesn’t share too much about his personal life since Marian died. He gets it. It was a tragedy, and Robin feels guilt over it since Marian’s car accident happened when she was on the way to pick him up from the airport when they’d been on the road for two weeks. Killian will never forget walking through JFK, simply happy to be home, and watching his best friend’s entire life crumple before him.

It was devastating, and Robin simply doesn’t talk about it. The only real reference to any of it is when Robin complains about Carol, Marian’s mom. They’ve got an unofficial custody agreement going on for when Robin has to travel for work, and Carol is always attempting to make Robin feel guilty for leaving Roland. It’s a shitty thing for her to do when there’s nothing Robin cares about more than his son, and Killian’s blood boils at the thought of it.

Parents are allowed to have lives and identities outside of their children. That doesn’t mean they don’t love their kids.

He’s not a parent, not even close, but maybe he’s a little sensitive to the thought because of Milah.

Milah.

It’s been…he doesn’t actually know when it is that he last thought of Milah. Wait, no, scratch that. It was after he kissed Emma. He’d been reeling after that, his body and his mind, and after Emma had walked away and told him that couldn’t happen again, his mind ran a marathon trying to piece together just how exhilarating it felt to actually feel something for someone for the first time in nearly four years.

He’d met Milah in a bar. He hadn’t wanted to go out that night, but Will had insisted. The season was over, they were pretty much free of all of the grueling work for at least a month, and they were going to celebrate. She’d been sitting at the bar, long, beautiful brunette curls falling down her back and a bright smile on her face, and he’d been intimately smitten. They’d talked all night, really hit it off, and it all felt natural from there. She was someone who he could tell, for probably the first time, that had no interest in the fact that he was a professional athlete. It was refreshing.

And he fell in love.

But she was married. By the time he found out, by the time that she told him, he was so deeply in love that he didn’t care. He was twenty-three, and he’d found the woman he was going to be with for the rest of his days, consequences be damned.

A year later, though, when he thought that things between them were good, when he’d grown used to the thought, she ended things between them and told him that she had a son. She wanted to go back to her husband, wanted them to be a complete family, and her time being free from her marriage and motherhood was over. It’s all a bit of a blur, that conversation, but he remembers begging her to stay, promising that he would help her take care of her son, that he would be there for the two of them always.

It’s not what she wanted.

He can’t blame her. She had a life outside of him, a life before him, and if she didn’t want to stay, he wouldn’t keep asking her to. So he didn’t.

Killian was too devastated to say anything, to try to fight for his love. She’d lied to him about so much, and he guesses a part of him knew that and knew that he couldn’t fight for someone who was never fully in the relationship the way that he was.

What he did do was start going back out to bars and clubs, drinking too much to numb the feeling and sleeping with too many women to try to get that feeling back. He was lost, desperate, and utterly heartbroken. No part of him cared about the reputation he was making for himself until Liam dragged him off of his bedroom floor and told him that he had to get his shit together before he lost the game too.

That scared him shitless.

There was no way that he could lose everything. Not like that. He needed his job. He needed the game. It was everything to him, and Killian knows that his desperation to cling to baseball after Milah is what made nearly losing it all after the accident so damn heartbreaking.

He’s been such a fuck up.

So why the hell would he ever have a shot with Emma now when she is leagues above him?

“Where’d your head go, Jones?” Robin yells across the field, and Killian realizes they’ve both backed up several feet without him knowing it. He knows that sometimes he can zone out on the field, but damn. This is something else. “You got all glassy-eyed for a minute.”

“Was my arm at least doing the right thing?”

“Eh, it could have been better.”

Killian rolls his eyes as he adjusts his grip on the ball before throwing it, letting it curve right into Robin’s glove. “You know, if you want to bring Roland out on one of our away series, there are plenty of people who would be willing to watch him. He wouldn’t be alone for a second. I can’t reiterate that enough.”

“I’ll think about it, but he’ll be with us for most of the summer anyways. So I think he’ll be alright. You about done for the day?”

“Two more.”

“Got it.”

They end up staying out there for at least ten more pitches between the two of them, each of them wanting a little more work, before walking back across the field to head inside and shower. Neither of them are playing today, but they still got here early enough for practice so that they’d have a bit of the afternoon free before they took stats for this afternoon’s game.

There’s something infinitely peaceful about an empty stadium, no crowds in their seats and only the sound of a bat cracking against a baseball or a ball thwacking into a glove. It’s what helps him get lost in his thoughts, and as he walks past the mound, he starts looking around into the seats and sees one lone person sitting several rows up.

Emma.

He’d recognize her anywhere in her jeans and red leather jacket, blonde waves falling over her shoulders as she looks to be writing in a notebook. He hasn’t seen her since they were in LA three days ago. He thought they were having a good conversation, a good night, up on the rooftop of the hotel, but then something flashed in her eyes, some kind of realization that made her need to leave.

Or want to leave.

No part of him understands her and yet he feels like he does. It’s comfortable talking to her, even outside of work. Maybe especially outside of work. And he finds that his stomach swoops and something unfamiliar gets caught in his throat whenever he’s around her. She makes him feel all of the things he hasn’t felt since Milah, and he doesn’t have a lot of clues as to what’s going on inside of her head. This could all be some kind of pipe dream, a relationship that’s not going to happen, but he has to be fine with that.

Whatever they become, if anything, is as much up to her as it is to him.

“You coming?” Robin asks him, and his head snaps toward his friend before looking back up at Emma.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes, okay?”

Rob clicks his tongue. “Just…don’t get in over your head, okay?”

It’s far too late for that kind of advice, but he nods his head anyways before walking over to the small barrier that keeps fans from getting onto the field, hoisting himself up over it, and then climbing over a few seats to try to get to where Emma is sitting. Al, Smee, and Archie would absolutely kill him if they knew he was unnecessarily climbing over things, but what they don’t know won’t hurt them.

Just him.

He’s two rows in front of Emma when he finally speaks. “You know, Swan, for someone who keeps running away from me, we sure do end up in all of the same places.”

She jumps, her ass literally moving away from the seat, and he chuckles a bit to himself as she pops her headphones out of her ears and looks down at him, green eyes flickering over him. She’s most likely thinking about how much of an asshole he is, but he does have a bit of unfinished business with her, the sweatshirt thief.

“It’s my job, twenty-nine.”

God, he loves when she calls him by his number. It’s got to be some kind of weird primal thing, but he’s going to try not to second guess it.

“Your job requires you to be at the stadium six hours early?”

She shrugs and writes something else down in her notebook. “I like the view.”

“Aw, love, you could have simply asked to see my ass in baseball pants if you wanted.” Emma rolls her eyes, but he can see the slightest smile forming on her lips that has him nodding his head to the seat next to her. “May I?”

“Yeah.”

Quickly, he climbs over two sets of seats until he’s sliding into the seat next to her, propping his feet up on the back of the chair in front of him so that his slightly muddy cleats are propped up next to Emma’s heeled boots, the water at the other side of the stadium in the background. It’d make a nice picture, something he’s sure is floating around out there, but he thinks he’d rather take in the view of it for now.

“I like the view too,” he admits, twisting his head to the side to look at Emma and the way that freckles scatter over her nose and how she bites on her bottom lip while she’s writing what seems to be some kind of notes for work. He’d rather like to bite that bottom lip as well. Nope. He cannot be thinking that. “It’s peaceful out here when no one else is around, when there’s no music playing or fans screaming. It really…it makes you realize how amazing having a job like this is.”

“It’s the dream, right?”

“Absolutely.” He nudges her shoulder into hers, the warmth of her skin somehow making it through her jacket. She kicks his foot in response. “So, I know you’re usually around most of the day, but when we travel, do you ever get to go around and explore the city? I always wish I had some more time to do that.”

Emma closes her notebook then, sticking her pen in the spiral and placing it on the ground beneath them before adjusting herself in her seat enough that her hand brushes against his, chill bumps rising on his skin. “I’m usually my own producer when on the road. Sometimes Ruby comes with me, but that’s rarer now. So I feel like I’m always doing something, especially because my stat keepers never get me reports in a timely manner. But yeah, sometimes I’ll get up early and wander around the city near the hotel. I very rarely get to do all of the tourist stuff, though. I don’t have the time.”

“It’s the first thing I did when I got called up out of the minors,” he admits, messing with his chain and pulling it to rest over his t-shirt. “I had never been on a plane before college. Hell, I’d never been out of Ohio and Kentucky, and in college we didn’t get a lot of freedom to explore. My coach was a hard ass.”

“Al’s not?”

“Only when we’re losing,” he chuckles, glancing over to see Emma smile. “But I pretty much hit every single cliché site that I could as soon as I had the money. I have far too many cheap keychains.”

“You did not.”

“I did.”

“Do you also own an ‘I heart New York’ t-shirt?”

“Well, no, but I had to go buy a new jacket in LAX because someone stole my favorite sweatshirt.”

Blush rises on her cheeks, coloring her pale skin, and she reaches up to tuck her hair behind her ear. Maybe he’s warming up to her today. She didn’t seem too happy to see him at first, and he obviously doesn’t know what boundaries are when it comes to her. “It’s a really comfortable sweatshirt. I think I’m going to keep it forever.”

He snorts at that and reaches up to stretch his arms behind his head, resting his neck in the cradle of his palms. “You know, love, I am a very charming man.”

“So you think.”

“So I know,” he corrects, kicking at her foot. “And as a charming man, I tend to make friends very easily, friends who can help me get into your hotel room so that I can get my sweatshirt back.”

“I think that’s called stealing. And possibly stalking.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s what you did with my sweatshirt.”

“That was offered.”

“I don’t think so,” he chuckles.

“Semantics.”

“That is not semantics, love.”

“It totally is,” she laughs, the sound echoing over the empty stadium as Eric and August start running laps around the field. “What time is your flight tonight?”

“Now look who’s stalking.”

“Shut up, Jones.” Infinitely charmed by her. Seriously. “I have the eleven o’clock to JFK as long as the game isn’t monstrously long. If you’re in the airport at the same time, I can give it back to you tonight. If not, I’ll see you back at home.”

“Funnily enough,” he sighs, letting his arm fall over the back of her chair so that his fingers brush over her shoulder and her hair, “I have the same flight with those same conditions since we apparently couldn’t get our charter plane for tonight. Thank goodness or I don’t know what I’d do without my sweatshirt. I obviously can’t travel without it.”

“You’re weird,” she huffs, twisting in her seat so that they’re facing each other, noses less than half a foot apart so that he can smell the mint on her breath. “Everyone thinks that the great Killian Jones is all suave and smooth, but you’re a little dorky.”

He winks. “It’s all part of the charm.”

Emma’s lips press into a soft pink smile, and his mind flashes back to the kiss and how it felt to have those lips moving over his, how it felt to have her body pressed into his. It was exhilarating, made him literally lose his breath, and he aches to do it again. He could do it again if he leaned forward right now.

But he won’t.

“Emma.”

She blinks several times, her eyelashes brushing against her cheeks. “What?”

“Are we going to talk about the fact that we kissed?”

And there it is. There’s the elephant in the room. There’s the elephant in the whole damn stadium.

“I can’t.”

“You can’t talk about it?”

“I can’t do it again.”

“I didn’t – ”

She backs up from him without moving from her seat, and he feels his rapidly beating heart drop to his stomach.

Oh.

“I know that there’s a…thing between us,” she continues, her eyes looking everywhere but at him. “I’m not dumb. I’ve dated before. I know how it all starts, and I know that I do have…something for you, but I can’t date you, Killian. I just can’t.”

What a way to get his hopes up and crush them all in one sentence.

He reaches up to scratch behind his ear. “Because of your job, right?” he prods, the answer seemingly falling into his lap. “God, Swan, I’m sorry. I’m – I’m a fucking idiot, okay? It doesn’t matter how much I know that I’m screwing up with you, I just keep doing it. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not…” Emma sighs, something loud and unfortunate and that’s really more of a groan before she leans forward and buries her face in her hands. “I’m really shitty at talking to people, so I’m just going to pretend that you’re not here, okay? Like the grown adult woman that I am.”

“Whatever works, love.”

“I really love my job,” she mumbles into her hands. “Like, I love it. I may not be like you getting to live some childhood fantasy come to life, but I love what I do. I’ve lucked into a lot of things, but I’ve also worked hard for it. People have shit on me about it for so long. People I know. People I don’t. And it’s just – I mean, you know about so much stuff that’s happened after you asked me out. You know how much harassment I’ve gotten, so if I’m seen spending time with you or kissing you, I’m going to get so much shit. I’m going to have every single person question my integrity, my ethics, my ability to do my job. And then what? If we break up, I just know that’s all anyone is going to care about as I work with the team and try to do my job. I want to, Killian. I do. I just don’t think that I can. Dating people I work with is a not so great idea.”

That is the most he’s ever heard Emma Swan talk at one time, and he’s still catching up trying to take in everything that she just said and figure out how exactly it is he wants to respond to it.

Mostly, he wants to punch every single person who has ever made her feel shame about what she does for a living, but he imagines that’s the wrong answer.

“I’m sorry,” he finally replies, knowing that it’s not enough. “I’m…I still hate myself for putting you in the position that I did. I respect the hell out of you, Swan, and anyone who doesn’t is a fucking asshole who doesn’t deserve your time. I would never ask you to do something you didn’t want to or something that makes you uncomfortable. I should have…I’ll keep my distance.”

He gulps down the emotion in his throat, taking a deep breath to try to regulate his heartbeat, and stands from his seat, climbing down to the row in front of Emma so that he can get up and walk away. He still needs to take a shower, and this is obviously not a conversation that either one of them want to be having.

“You don’t,” she starts, leaning back in her chair and moving her hands away so that she can her face and the lightness of her eyes. “You don’t have to do that. I like you, Killian. I am obviously a crazy person for admitting that out loud, but I do. I mean, hell, I kissed you. I just…I don’t know what to do about any of it because I can’t take the chance that I’m wrong about you and mess my career up for someone I don’t know super well.”

The most idiotic idea he’s ever starts to form in his mind, and he’s sure Emma is going to laugh him out of the stadium if he says it. She has to. There’s no other possible reaction to it.

“I know how to keep my life private now, love,” he starts, his fingers working furiously at a spot on his chin. “It’s something I learned after I – well, after I was a little more publicized. And if you’re willing, maybe we could test the waters between us but not tell anyone? I don’t have to tell my family or my mates. You don’t have to tell your friends. The public doesn’t have to know. It’ll just be until we know if we’re working out.”

Emma throws her head back and laughs, something light and joyful and maybe a little deranged, and it’s the exact reaction he was expecting.

The exact.

“Are we a romantic comedy now? Secret dating?”

“I like to think I’m both romantic and comedic, so possibly.”

She wipes her fingers underneath her eyes, a bright smile on her face. Okay, so that wasn’t really what he was expecting. Maybe a little more anger. “You’re serious?” she questions.

“I mean, I know it sounds kind of ridiculous, but if we both want this, why not at least give it a shot?”

“You’re crazy.”

“That’s not the first time that I’ve heard that.”

“So what? Do we go on a date? In one of our apartments? I have roommates.”

“I don’t. And technically I told you I wouldn’t ask you out again, and I don’t want to break that promise.”

Emma rolls her eyes, happiness still painted across her face, and he swears that his heart may as well be glowing like he really is in some kind of romantic comedy. How did he ever forget the feeling of having someone return his affections? It’s been too damn long.

“Are you serious? You’ll propose dating without anyone knowing, but you won’t ask me out on a date?”

“It’d be bad form to go back on my promise.”

“Sometimes I think you’re meant to be a British man from several centuries ago with the way you talk”

“That’s…interesting. Not going to question it, though. So, Swan,” he encourages, placing his hands on the back of the seat in front of him and leaning into her space, “do you want to ask me something?”

Emma chews on her bottom lip, her eyes glancing around him before finally looking at him so that all he can see is green, green, green.

“Fine,” she huffs, crossing her arms like he’s putting her out like this. “Do you want to go on a date with me?”

“Eh. A man likes to be courted, and I’m just not sure how good you’ll be at that.”

“I will hurt you.”

“I’m kidding,” he laughs, stepping up onto the chair in front of him until he’s back on level with Emma, reaching forward to grab her hand and pull her up out of her seat so that they’re nearly eye level. “Of course I will go on a date with you. Just, come here.”

“Come where?”

He tilts his head to the side before threading his fingers through hers and walking to his right, stepping over discarded beer bottles and hot dog wrappers that haven’t been cleaned up yet, until he’s got he and Emma hidden behind a support pole, none of the players on the field able to see the two of them.

Emma’s chest is visibly heaving, her lips parted and cheeks flushed, and he reaches up with his free hand to tuck her loose hair behind her ear, fingertips brushing skin in a way that lights him up and causes a shiver to run down the length of his spine.

This isn’t real. There’s no way it can be.

“Killian,” she whispers as he leans in a little closer, his forehead resting against hers and their noses brushing together. He’s still holding her hand. Why is that what he’s focusing on? “Why did you just tug me away from my seat and make me hide behind this gigantic pole?”

“Because I’m going to kiss you.”

“Are you?”

“I was planning on it.”

“I kind of like this plan. I mean, I – ”

He doesn’t let her finish talking, dipping his head down and surging forward to press his mouth into hers and finally  feel the softness of her lips against him. Emma gasps, and he can tell that she wants to keep talking, but then she’s parting her lips a little so that he can swipe his tongue against the seam. Killian can feel her pressed into every part of him, can feel those hard lines and soft curves, and his hand snakes into her hair to help guide the kiss all the while her free hand holds onto his t-shirt. It’s slower, softer than their first kiss. A need to keep going, to keep deepening, is there, but he takes it slow as he never wants this to end.

This is damn well near perfect.

Most definitely the best end to a practice that he’s ever had. Honestly, he’d be more likely to show up on time if this was guaranteed.

Emma nips at his bottom lip before soothing it with her tongue, and a growl comes from the back of his throat before he’s pulling back and opening his eyes as his nose brushes against Emma’s. He’d like to keep doing that.

“I feel kind of crazy right now.”

“I feel kind of crazy at all times.”

“Well, that dos fit your personality type.”

He leans in to quickly brush his mouth over Emma’s simply because he can. “That’s the kind of swoon worthy thing I’m looking for as you court me.”

“Again, you’re a man from another century.”

“But I’ve obviously retained my youthful glow.” There’s a crack of a ball against a bat behind them, and he turns to see that the Eric is now practicing with Roseman. It brings reality back to him for a minute, and he sighs, pulling back from Emma a little more as his thumb runs over her knuckles. “We should probably both get back to work.”

“Probably.”

“Are you freaking out right now?”

“No,” she says, the lie obvious on her lips. All he has to do is raise his brow for her to crack. “Okay, yeah, a lot. I feel like this is going to blow up in our faces.”

“Aye, I know.” He brings their hands up to his lips and presses a kiss on the back of her hand. “Just…Emma, can you trust me?”

“I want to.”

“Give me a shot, and if you decide against it, that’s it. We don’t have to try this anymore, and I give you full permission to slander my name in the public eye.”

“That’s a lot of power you’re giving me there.”

“I’m a dumb man.”

Her eyes scrunch up with her smile, her nose too, and it feels damn good to get that out of her. “I’ll see you at the airport tonight, right?”

“Absolutely.”

-/-

The lights are already dimmed in the plane cabin when he slides into the seat next to Emma, jostling her as she looks away from the movie, she’s watching to look at him, surprise evident in her features.

“What the hell, twenty-nine?” she whispers, trying not to wake anyone up. “You are most definitely not the little old woman who was my seatmate.”

“Louise is now happily sitting in first class.”

“Are you serious? How did you do that?”

“Darling, I don’t know about you, but most people don’t turn down free seat upgrades when they get the chance. Besides, I told you I’m charming and make friends all over.”

“You’re weird is what you are,” she laughs, adjusting her blanket over her lap and offering him some of it so that he covers his legs as well. Emma Swan brings her own blankets with her when she travels. Noted. “You wouldn’t happen to be able to talk yourself into getting another one of those cookies from a flight attendant, would you?”

His lips curl up on the side. “I could, but that would require me flirting with another woman.”

“I mean, you already undoubtedly flirted with Louise.”

He snickers, having to turn to the side to bury his mouth in his shoulder to quiet it so no one around them notices. Everyone is asleep or tuned into their movie, and he takes comfort in that.

“Tell you what, Swan. I’ll get you a cookie if you finally give me my sweatshirt back.”

“Oh, so you noticed that, did you?”

“You’re literally wearing it right now.”

“It’s comfortable.”

“We’ve had this conversation before.”

“I know.” Emma shuffles again, seemingly uncomfortable in her seat, but then he feels the warmth of her hand wrapping around his, and she’s twining together their fingers before placing them in her lap under the blanket. “I really was going to give it back when we were waiting by our gate, but I figured it was too obvious in front of the whole damn team.”

“This is true. We’ve got to work on this discreet thing.”

“Trading seats with little old ladies to sit next to me probably doesn’t help.”

“I think it’s worth it.”

“You’re cheesy.”

“I’m a man of many facets.”

“So I’m learning,” she yawns, closing her eyes for a minute. “I’ll give you the sweatshirt back before we land. I promise. You want to watch this movie with me?”

“I think that sounds like a good plan.”

[aliceellablog]

Acceptance is key when you have a chronic illness, but that doesn’t mean you should ever give up.

When you want something so freakin’ much and it’s not in your control, what do you do?

Do you accept it? Or do you keep fighting?

But what if fighting it made it worse? The harder you push the worse you get and the further away you become from your goals, your dreams and your life.

That’s what M.E. does to us and for now there’s not much we can do.

When the illness you’ve been diagnosed with has no test for it you’re left constantly wondering if you even have it. You feel so damn ill that you keep wondering if you have an illness that the doctors have never found. If you have been misdiagnosed all these years.

M.E. is a diagnosis of elimination which means that they basically test you for EVERYTHING - from blood tests to cameras up your ass, from eating sherbet and being scanned upside down, to cameras down your throat into your stomach. Name a test, I’ve had it. 

Then when all the tests come back negative, and you’re left distraught, you feel desperate to be diagnosed with just about ANYTHING!

Following that you then ended up seeing a bunch of psychiatrists who also find nothing wrong with you and say stupid shit like ‘ have you tried taking a dog for a walk?’ - no, no i have not because I’m in a fucking wheelchair you dick. (Yes that really was said to me by a doctor) - It just doesn’t make sense to me that all us healthy happy people suddenly find themselves bed-bound and people think we fake it?!? WHYYYY!!?? And hey, if M.E. is all in our heads then why cant we donate blood?! 

But I was diagnosed with M.E. at 14, and 15 years later there is STILL no test, no cure, and sure as hell no help.

A friend of mine recently received some comments on her blog saying that she was being too negative, and that really made me think.

How dare they add more to what she is already struggling so hard to cope with- how dare they comment on something they so obviously have no experience of and no knowledge about.

It made me realise that we have every right to feel how we feel and to speak out about it.

In my case it makes me want to ask the question ‘could you live with a chronic illness for over 15 years and not mention it? Not feel the need to vent? Could you be positive all the time?’ I don’t think you’d really manage to just ’try yoga babe’ or ‘drink more water’ - I’m not strong enough to do bloody yoga and I drink plenty…

I mean, imagine being healthy, and then your life suddenly being taken away from you at the age of 14, and now all these years later you are still fighting a constant battle. Every single day. And the fact I’m not exaggerating kinda sucks right!!?

Yes I used to be in a wheelchair and unable to speak / move / watch tv for several years, but that doesn’t make it any easier to cope now. In fact I personally find it even harder now, because when I do get moments of relief it makes me want to be able to live a full life even more.

There are days when I can actually feel a little bit of energy in my body and because of the nature of M.E. I have to hold back or I’ll get worse- and let’s be honest if I do have enough energy to do a little something I’m gonna end up doing it and then suffer the consequences. OOPS!!!!

Fuck sake it’s bloody ridiculous. So no, I won’t be positive every day, but I will try my best to be as often as I feel strong enough to. That’s all we can do.

I’ve even noticed that some of my friends have have stopped asking me how I am - I think that they don’t want to broach that subject with me any more and that hurts a bit. But one thing this illness definitely does is show you who your true friends are- if they ain’t there when you truly need that support then they ain’t gonna be there for the good times I can tell ya!! And the friends that do care, they are beyond amazing , so thank fuck for that, thank fuck for them.

I know I haven’t written my blog in a little while and to be honest over all I have been coping a little better recently! (Not that you’d think it reading all that! But I have been working SO DAMN HARD on acceptance and have found that to be the key to keeping my sanity.

I find that the more I fight and the more I want for my life, the worse I get.

I have to keep learning to accept that I have an illness that not many people understand, and that some people don’t even believe exists - fuck them though. 

I know what I live with and I know how I feel on a daily basis- I know that when I am smiling in a photo I was probably crying myself to sleep the night before. I know that when I film a video for youtube I have to rest for days before and afterwards and each cover takes me at least a month or two to actually record and edit.

For that reason I know I won’t make it in this industry. How frustrating is that.

I can’t do what the other singers and writers can do.

I can’t go to the networking events and for over a year- since my last relapse- I haven’t been able to do any writing sessions or be in a studio. The things I have absolutely pushed myself to be able to do (for example my new music video) have always set me back for weeks or months after…sometimes worth it, sometimes not!

Over the past 6 years since I really started writing, recording and putting out music I’ve only been able to release 3 singles. - Yes I am proud of that and only I know what a struggle it’s been but it also makes me realise just how unrealistic it is to want to be a singer… I can’t even gig!! LOL #awkward

BUT I have been managing little things recently however small, but it does seem like every time I get above water and start to book things in and feel like I CAN DO THIS, something drags me back down again.

Frustration frustration frustration. That’s what I feel 24/7.

I am trapped, trapped inside a body that won’t let me live.

I want to socialise! I want to see friends, I want to go on dates and have some sort of love life, and above all else I want to sing. I want to work my fucking ass off and release my music. I want to write songs and push myself hard.

But I can’t. So I have to deal with that- and no-one else can help me deal with that. It’s down to me.

Recently I have been trying (again!!!!!) with the lightning process - a neurolinguistic approach and have genuinely found it very helpful, but it hasn’t ‘cured’ me by any means.

I did 7 months solid of graded exercise therapy and by keeping a chart every day MAN I’M COOL I soon realised that I didn’t actually make any solid progress. Since then I have been keeping a chart with the lightning process and have seen some improvement. 

I did the LP course around 10 years ago now so I have made the decision to retake it, but was scheduled to go on it lat week and wasn’t well enough!! OH THE IRONY!!!

BUT - There IS hope, and maybe it’ll be just what I need to conquer this mother fucker. But then again maybe it won’t! Who knows!! But I won’t give up and I’ll keep trying whatever I can!

Time will tell and I am going  to go there with no expectations other than to give it my all.

I will blog again maybe a few weeks after and let y’all know whats a gwarning!! But for now, love and strength to my fellow spoonies xx remember,  acceptance is key when you have a chronic illness, but that doesn’t mean you should ever give up.

Alice xXx

[roscgcld]

Oh I just late late read about your disorder I felt that too yet your works didn't miss the point y'know like it makes me smile throughout and everything was super effort even tho ya feel sad or insecure no dear it's okay to feel both but at the end ya know your works got the most relief and super adorable to read (like I read it 24/7 before bed lmao 🤣🤣🤣)

So dont feel bad about yourself it is part of developing and boosting up yourself! Just always remember to rest, drink water, and sleep least long enough so love your works so muchuuuuu 😘😘😘😘💗💖💓❣💗

pls this made me smile so much T^T I still haven't been feeling myself as of late, and had turned to retail therapy to help boost my mood AHAHAHAHA - but it makes me happy that you still read my writings before going to bed c: it's every writer's dream to be able to bring smiles to people's faces. I'll try to care for myself, since every day feels like it's mushed together. But thank you for this kind message, am gonna go and cry about it now

[firesofdainix]

I Learn to Live Half-Alive

the former ultimate tennis pro grieves his existence.

He has little knowledge over his past. He simply forgot about it. But what he never forgets was Danganronpa.

PREVIOUS

He can feel the water seeping at his nose, slowly drowning him. With his natural instinct to fight, he tries, and fails, to get out of the sink. He can hear his handcuffs scratching the sink. Why is he fighting? Didn't he just say he had no more reason to live anymore? Is it his natural instincts? Is it because the water is killing him, suffocating him, drowning him? He can feels someone's hands on him, drowning him. Killing him. Just like he once did to the mafia employee he had killed years ago. Was this karma, because of what he did? Why did the killer target them? Because they're weak, small, and already dead inside? Is that why he was here, sulking about why he didn't have someone in his cubs pad? Why no one was in his supposed motive video. He really doesn't belong here.

He starts to fade from this world he says he hates so much. Is he going to heaven? Or to hell? Maybe the latter. He doesn't belong in heaven. He's just a murderer, that's all. He finally closes his eyes, and his struggling for freedom finally dies. He wonders how hell will punish him for his sins. No, this hell is going to make him suffer for his misdeeds in the real life he has.

He wakes up in a dark, empty, tight space, where he can only move in limited moves. His eyes widen to the venue he's in right now. He hates dark spaces. He hates being locked in a small space. But he keeps calm, even though he's noisy, pounding heartbeat says otherwise. This is... the real world, right? His memories are a bit fuzzy, like, he can't remember what happened the past few days. Though he can remember some details, like him never being in prison, for one. Huh. Never being in prison. That's new. He waits for a few minutes, until the hatch to his so called pod opens. A man with a shirt labelled 'Team Danganronpa Staff' reads.

Danganronpa. Ryoma tries to remember the memory to where he had heard such a name before. Then it clicks. Oh yeah. Yeah. Huh. Danganronpa's the world he had emerged in? The one where they kill teenagers, right? It's a show, right? A high rated show, right? Who would want to watch teenagers murder each other? Then he remembers the many times he has watched the show with his friends. Oh yeah. He's a psychopath too, huh? Watching the people try killing their comrades, then get executed themselves? How inappropriate for younger audiences. And... that's all Ryoma remembers, in actuality.

"Hey, what's the deal with me not remembering anything?", Ryoma asks the staff who helps him up.

"Oh, it's probably because of our new policy", the staff replies.

"What's the policy?" Ryoma could barely talk more than a low whisper, and now they're asking him to stand?

"No breaks while filming. The fans want none stop Danganronpa this year."

"I...see?" Fucking morons. He tries to stand, but then remembers his death. His short legs quiver, and he falls back into the pod. The staff notices this.

"Do you want me to carry you, Mr. Hoshi?", he asks in a polite manner, bowing to him.

Ryoma absolutely hates being carried by others. He hates his short stature, he hates how everyone looks down at him. Maybe that's why he had joined Danganronpa? To tell everyone that he's not a harmless fucking midget, but can be called a murderer as well? He shrugs that thought away. He doesn't remember anything, and he doesn't bother. Maybe not remembering might give him a new life and new identity. And, since he can't walk that well, he just nods to the staff to carry him.

"Dinner will be served shortly", the staff announces as he puts him down on a chair. Ryoma looks around. Looks like a dining hall.

"Sure", Ryoma says. To be honest, he's not that hungry after his death, but he feels so skinny.

"That is a good sign that you want to eat", the staff sighs. "Because you have been stuck there for a week and a half."

Ryoma feels himself sicken after what he said. He was in that... whatever you call it for a week and a half? Why? How long is each episode? Why are they making them do this? Why did they not let them eat, sleep, nor drink in real life? The fans? The ratings? Money? It angers him that he's only been eating virtual food. Ryoma sighs, then looks around. This dining hall seems decent enough. Some people start to enter, and catches him by the eye, then talks to each other.

"The writers are truly pulling it off", one says, sitting on a chair.

"I agree", another says.

Ryoma listens in to their conversation.

"I want to see how they solve the mystery", the first says.

"Adachi, it was horrible, how he had died", the second says, looking at Ryoma with malice hidden in his eyes.

"Eaten by piranhas, what a bad way to go...", the guy, Adachi, says.

Eaten, huh? How long was Ryoma stuck in that pod before he pulls to consciousness. He knows he had been drowned in a sink, in his fictional research lab, but when were piranhas ever involved in his murder case. Unless... He smirks. Oh, Tojo, you've done it again. Talking to Tojo, then letting her kill him... she must already have a plan, since she can't have prepared the murder at nighttime. Punishable.

"I can't wait until tomorrow", Adachi says. "Too bad they only do reruns at nighttime. You know, after nine?"

"But the poor teenagers have to way until their demise", the other says. "But anyway, I can't wait 'til tomorrow for the trial!"

Ryoma stays silent during the whole encounter, and more and more people start to flood in the dining hall, all talking about the death. They do acknowledge Ryoma's presence, but being the insensitive piece of shits that they are, they sit near him, letting him hear what they were saying about his death. Then he feels someone tap his shoulder. He looks up and sees a familiar face, someone he has known in the killing game and his faded memories.

"Amami", Ryoma says. "Weren't you supposed to be dead like, last week?"

Amami chuckles. "Oh, yeah, yeah, but my fucking parents haven't arrived yet."

Ryoma shrugs. "Shame."

"Shame indeed."

From what he can gather from his old memories, Rantaro Amami, the Ultimate Adventurer, one of the survivors of 52, is a legend. He became quite famous when he was just a young child. He doesn't know the details though, but still, he's a legend in Danganronpa. But in Danganronpa 53, he doesn't seem to have that paranoia or fear in 52. All he has was a laidback, mature attitude. Oh, and add being mysterious there.

"Long time no see", Ryoma says.

"I left after a week", Amami replies. He was so careful at not using die in his sentence. "So, how's it holdin'?"

"I don't remember anything, outside from Danganronpa", Ryoma says. "All I fucking remember is my fabricated memories, some shit about Danganronpa, and that's it."

"Lucky you", Amami says, sugarcoating the words.

The cooks are now filing out of the kitchen, giving them all sorts of food. Amami seems to be the first one to dig in, since the others were just talking, not noticing that there was food on the table. Ryoma takes some sushi and rice balls, and starts to eat. He didn't know he was this hungry as he bites to one of the sushi rolls. He looks at Amami's plate. His plate looks like French cuisine, but he doesn't know what kinds of food it is. He notices that Amami takes small bites of his food.

"How's your week in here?", Ryoma asks as he dines.

"Shit", Amami replies casually. "I've been forced to watch the show."

"They're fucking cruel." But, how cruel was he in this life? He was a murderer in Danganronpa, was he cruel in this one too?

"So, how's your first bite of real food?"

Ryoma savors his food's taste, so he doesn't respond until he swallows a portion of his food.

"Delicious."

"Yes, so delicious."

"So, Amami, how did you feel about my death?" Ryoma is curious about how everyone would react to his death.

"Sad", Amami says with a decisive look. "Wasted potential. Infuriating. You know, the works."

"Why do I feel like you're just making an opinion up?"

"I actually don't have an opinion on who dies, to be honest."

"What? Why?"

Amami smiles yet again, but somehow, this was unnerving. "Because, you are all good people, and I shouldn't be biased."

"How... unique." Ryoma finishes his food and sits there, just doing casual talk with Amami.

"I'm making you uncomfortable, aren't I?", Amami sighs, looking and sounding exhausted.

"Huh. Maybe."

"Oh, it's probably because of my mood swings. Whenever I'm not in the mood I go around making people uncomfortable." Amami scratches his head. Ryoma sees scars on his arm, all new. He's cutting himself now? Is that why he wears long sleeved clothes?

"Oh? Have Borderline Personality Disorder?"

Amami shakes her head. "No. The only stuff I think I might have are Depression and PTSD. That's... probably it?"

"You should go talk to a real therapist", Ryoma suggests.

"I have a therapist", Amami says. "and that's me."

"Self therapy?"

"Yeah."

"Isn't that... illegal?"

"If you don't know what mental illnesses are."

"...Fair point."

Ryoma was sent to a bedroom, since his parents are not here yet. Letting him sleep in the place where he kinda died, are they... giving him more trauma or something? Though his past self did get asked for this, got asked to be in the killing game. But why bother changing him? Did they change who he is so he can be accepted by the viewers? To be sympathized with? Because he honestly can't remember who he was before. Was he an asshole? An obsessive fan of Danganronpa? A delinquent? Or was he always like this? Mature, untrusting, suicidal, depressive? Did he go to prison? Or did he live a normal life. The staff says that his memories about his life will return to him in a week or so. So he's stuck with non-existent memories and a bunch of fuzzy ones. Whenever he tries to remember something breaking his memory barrier, his head aches. So he avoids thinking about memories at all.

There was a knock on the door. Ryoma looks at the conveniently placed clock right above his bed. It was a little after ten. So, who could it be? He opens the door to see Amami in front of the door, with a small smile and his hands behind the back.

"...What are you doing here?"

"I just want to give you a little something", Amami says. Then Amami gives him a small pocketknife he was hiding behind his back.

"What do I need this for?", Ryoma asks.

"Oh, nothing", Amami says, still smiling. "But hey, if you're down and sad, why don't you cut yourself to make you feel better?"

Ryoma looks at him with a blank expression, and takes the pocketknife from him. "Thanks... but are you feeling alright?"

Amami seems to go back to normal after that. "Oh... gave you the goosebumps again, huh? Sorry."

"S'all right. Now I'm starting to think you have BPD or something."

"I don't." Amami scowls, then sighs. "I don't know who I am anymore."

"Me too. Looks like we still got long ways to go."

"Will you ever use that?", Amami asks.

Ryoma shrugs. "It depends if I'm not that depressed or a sad sack of shit."

"You were always sad in the game, though."

"Well, I'm going to turn my life around."

Amami scoffs. "Well, good luck with that."

And he walks away, and Ryoma closes the door, looking at the pocketknife he was given. Was he really going to use this? To inflict pain on himself, to see himself flinch in pain, then finally becoming numb to it all. He shrugs. Maybe he's going to use it in the near future.

Just... not today.

NEXT

[shu-sai-blog]

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[meggiebrick]

I was tagged by @swishandflickwit, yay! But this is hard to read because the questions won't bold. And now I have to go make lunch for my gremlins, so I can't tag anyone. So if you're reading this, consider yourself tagged, cause I want to know ALL OF YOU

1. Have you ever been in love? Yes :) I've been letting this one guy hang around for the past 15 years and we're married and stuff, and I still like him almost all of the time, so I THINK I'll keep letting him hang around. :)

2. Who is your favorite artist? My uncle Mike. He truly is a wonderful artist, but I think I like his work the most because he paints things and people and places I know and love.

3. What is your favorite music genre? That's impossible to choose! I truly like everything depending on my mood. Except for screaming death metal.

4. Have you ever had a penpal? You know, I think I did! In like 2nd grade or something.

5. Are you single or in a relationship? I'm extremely married.

6. What is your favorite word? Serendipity

7. What color are your eyes? Blue

8. Do you play any instruments? No but I SO wish I did. But I have spatial issues due to dyscalculia and I have pretty much zero rhythm.

9. What is your favorite color? Purple.

10. Do you have any nicknames? Nothing exciting. Megs, Meggie, etc.

11. what is your favorite flower? Lilacs

12. what qualities do you find attractive in a person? Ugh, I hate it sometimes but I'm a sucker for the quiet brooding type. It honestly makes my life difficult but it is what it is. I blame early exposure to Mr. Darcy.

13. Do you have any pets? A dog, a bearded dragon, and 4 guinea pigs.

14. Have you ever traveled outside of your home country? Just to Canada

15. What language(s) do you speak? Just English. American and British ;)

16. Who was your first crush? I think a boy named John in kindergarten

17. What is your favorite pastry? Anything gluten free :(

18. Do you wear glasses? Contacts

19. Do you prefer swimming in a pool or in the ocean? Lakes, but of those two I guess I'd pick the ocean. I hate pools.

20. What is your favorite social media app? Ooooh probably Twitter? But maybe that's because I don't have one right now and I miss it. I had to delete it because of a creeper and it was this whole THING and now I'm locked out for a week or so. Dumb.

21. What is your sexuality? Jason Beghe's voice

22. Bright, dark, or pastel colors? It really depends! I guess, gun to my head, I would pick bright?

23. Do you have any siblings? One older brother

24. What is your favorite scent? Lilac. But I love mint too, especially mixed with rosemary. Or, ooh, the smell of my husband in a white t-shirt just out of the laundry.

25. Where do you want to travel to? Everywhere. Anywhere!

26. What is your favorite film? So, so many. But if I have to pick, Manchester by the Sea. I don't know why.

27. Who do people say you look like? Most often Pauley Perrette.

28. Who is your best friend? She doesn't have Tumblr, but we've been BFF since we were eight. She lives a thousand miles away now and sometimes we still cry because we miss each other, even though it's been over five years since she moved.

29. What is your dream job? To be an author. That's always been the dream. Maybe someday! For the first time in about a decade, I feel like I can do it again.

30. Do you know how to drive? I honestly don't! So embarrassing, since where I live most people my age have been driving for twenty years. It's those pesky spatial issues again :/ I'm hoping with visual therapy to strengthen those skills I'll be able to someday.

31. Who is/was your favorite teacher? Two of my English teachers in high school. Oddly, they were both named James. One liked me a lot, and I liked him a lot. One really didn't like me at all, and it was mutual. However I respected them both a great deal, and the one who didn't like me once told me I was the most talented writer he'd ever had. It meant so, so much to me because I could tell he didn't even want to say it.

32. Are you a feminist? Who isn't?!

32. What is your zodiac sign? Taurus. And I'm SUCH a Taurus tbh.

33. Do you enjoy reading? I am so in love with it.

34. Do you have any hidden talents? I am strangely good at trivia. In person I come off as very flakey and bubbly and ditzy, so it's funny when random knowledge comes into play. It really surprises people. One of my friends calls it my "sneak attack, motherfuckers, I'm a genius" move. LOL! I'm not, though, I just remember large amounts of BS. It's not useful in any way.

35. Have you ever dyed your hair? Too many times to count.

36. what is your favorite thing in your bedroom? The silence! And all my pillows.

37. Can you whistle? Not like, a tune. But I can get someone's attention or call a dog.

38. What is your biggest fear? Burning to death. Or, of course, bad things happening to the people I love.

39. Do you make your bed every day? No. It's about 50/50.

40. Do you have any tattoos and/or piercings? Ears, but I haven't worn earrings in years. I want so many tattoos but I'm a big baby.

41. Have you ever been on a roller coaster? Yes, a surprising amount considering I don't like them much!

42. surfing or skateboarding? I can't do either but I'd love to be able to surf.

43. Are you a dog or a cat person? Dogs! Love em. Cats are okay too, but I don't like them as much.

44. what is your favorite animal? Giraffes, seahorses, dogs, guinea pigs...

45. Do you have a skincare routine? No but I should

46. What time do you typically go to bed at and what time do you wake up at? Ugh, I am TERRIBLE. I'm naturally a night owl, like it is TORTUROUS to me to be woken early. Ideally I'd go to sleep around 6 in the morning and wake up at 2 p.m. As is I usually go to sleep anywhere from 1 to 4 a.m. and wake up anywhere from 7 a.m. to 1 p.m. depending on everyone's schedule for the day. It's SO bad and I really need to get better, but it's so unnatural for me to sleep at night. My body actively fights it and always has. I'm trying to retrain myself to just go to sleep when it's still p.m. at night, but it's not going well.

47. what is your favorite memory? I have so many. Of course the important ones involving my husband and kids, but I love when my best friends and I are just sitting around and we'll say "remember that time..." and then a few minutes later we're laughing hysterically.

48. What is the best gift you’ve ever received? When my family and I were really struggling, I didn't want to talk about it much. But somehow a group of women I've never met (but have talked to for years on Facebook) realized what was going on and sent us $300. It paid some bills and the rest went on groceries but knowing that they cared... I'll never, ever forget that.

49. How tall are you? 5'7"

50. Do you have a garden? In the American sense, like a bed of flowers or vegetables, no. In the English sense, like a yard, yes. A big one.

51. Do you like bugs? Some! I HATE mosquitoes and wasps though.

52. What is your natural hair color? Dark (ish) brown.

53. What is your favorite food and drink? Any form of potatoes and... Hmm... Diet Coke or cranberry juice. Or really really cold water with crushed ice.

54. Do you want kids? no, how do you think I should tell the three I already have?! LOL. Yes. I've always wanted them, impossible though they are. I think I'd like two more, but we'll see.

55. What is/was your favorite class? English. I loved Native American studies in college, too.

56. what color shirt are you wearing? Green.

57. If you could time travel, what year would you go to and why? I don't know. I used to always want to go back to James Herriot era England but the war would have been so sad and hard. I think we romanticize it now, but it wouldn't have been good. Still, though, I think I'd like it. Or I'd relive the 90s again. We didn't know how good we had it.

58. What is your skin color? Peach, I guess. I'm pretty pale in the winter and tan up in the summer even though I try to remember sun block.

59. Hugs or kisses? Both

60. Have you ever drank alcohol? AbsoLUTELY

61. netflix or youtube? Ooh that's tough! Um....i can't choose!

62. Have you ever done drugs? Just pot

63. Ice cream or frozen yogurt? Ice cream. I wish I had some now.

64. Succulents or flowers? Flowers!

[alxspeaks]

As some of you may have noticed, I have been pretty quiet on social media recently. In fact, I went roughly 2 months without as much as opening up a social media app. In total, it was 3 months until I officially made a post from any of my social media accounts. Now this may not seem like such a big deal, but like most of the world’s population I was addicted to social media.

In 2019, it is estimated that there will be around 2.77 billion social media users around the globe and that figure continues to increase (The Statistics Portal).Social media is everything right now: people turn to Twitter before they turn on the news, every business has a social media platform, and it is now the easiest way to contact anyone from your Mom to Cardi B. Everyone is involved in some aspect of social media and it is so easy to get caught up without even realising it. I would often find myself constantly hopping between Facebook, Instagram ,Snapchat and Twitter, scrolling, uploading and posting. It was the first thing I did when I woke up and the last thing before I went to bed. I would stay up late with nothing but the glare from my phone screen glowing on my face as I would constantly follow updates and news feeds. It had gotten to the point where I began to feel uncomfortable without my phone in my hand and whenever I felt a bit socially awkward it was the first thing I would look for. I began to depend on it and this twisted relationship started to trigger a lot of problems for me.

It all began in March 2018 just after my 24th birthday when I started to really notice a big change in my overall mood: 50% of the time I was unhappy and the other 50% I spent worrying and feeling anxious. Throughout my time at University I had been noticing increased anxiety and changes in my mood but after graduation it just seemed to be getting progressively worse. It came to a point where my overall outlook on life was consistently negative and I was miserable, unable to eat, sleep or think clearly. I had this feeling that I was just a total failure at everything and I was finding it extremely difficult to cope with life. I was really scared of the thoughts going through my head and I felt as though I had no control over my emotions. Although I had felt overwhelmed and stressed before, I knew that this was different but I had no idea what was happening to me. I sought advice from a friend who I knew was open about her mental health journey and after speaking to her I took a huge leap and decided to refer myself to my local mental health team.

This was just the worst thing for me as I hate drawing any attention to myself, yet, here I was,  preparing to talk to total strangers about my life. I started doing my own research into the way that I was feeling and I began to discover that I had symptoms similar to that of Anxiety.These were symptoms that I had been suffering with with for over 5 years and I had just put it down to stress or to me simply overreacting and being silly. I was later diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) Social Phobia and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. MAD! One day i’m just me trying to live my best life, and the next I suddenly have three Anxiety Disorders that I now have to manage and understand. The change was huge and I felt as though I had to learn who I was all over again as all of this time I had been living with a mental health condition that I knew nothing about. It’s crazy to think that if I hadn't taken my health into my own hands I would have never had any answers for the way that I had been feeling all of these years.

There were various different factors that had led up to this point in my life, University being the main one as that was when I had my first signs of anxiety: my self-confidence had really plummeted and I found myself feeling completely lost. After graduation, everything just seemed to be going wrong like my entire future was slipping away from me and I was helpless to stop it (Post-Graduate Depression see article links below). I was under way too much pressure from myself, my family (being the sole carer for two parents with long term illnesses), and from life in general with no help and no one who could truly understand. I was really unsettled and didn’t have anywhere to truly call my home. Job rejections had just become so commonplace that I didn’t even realise how much it was affecting my self confidence. Family and friends that I thought I could count on had all left and in the space of about 3 weeks my friendship circle had more than halved, at a time when I needed the most support I felt truly alone. During this time, I was still active on social media scrolling away, but the more I scrolled the worse it made me feel about my own life and each time I put down my phone after being on social media I felt upset. At times, I was even drawn to tears. Not only was it lowering my self-esteem and fueling the ideas in my head that ‘I am a failure’, it was also a huge trigger for my Anxiety. Once I realised this, I knew I had to take action, but I honestly didn’t know how. Then, one day, I went to spend some time with one of my closest friends and she said four life changing words to me. ‘You have a choice’. As obvious as this may seem I had genuinely forgotten that I actually have the option to choose whether or not to participate in social media. She explained that she had been through a similar experience and that she had to set herself some very strict rules. One of them was that she only logged in when she was making a social media post and logged out straight after; she never scrolled! That was all the advice I needed and I immediately logged out of all my social media accounts and guess what? The world didn’t end and I finally felt as though I had control over one aspect of my life. I now controlled social media; it did not control me. The moment I logged out, I didn’t feel the urge to log back in for months. However, I still found myself reaching for my phone out of habit. So, to shift my focus, I downloaded apps that are constructive uses of my time such as wordscapes, Duolingo (started learning new languages) and Headspace (mindfulness meditation).

Throughout all of this I was still struggling whilst awaiting my first counselling appointment on a 3 month waiting list, but I put on a brave face, carrying on with business as usual. Then, one day, I snapped. I had a huge panic attack and during this whole episode I accidently smashed my phone. I had completely given up on life and I felt as though no one understood what I was going through.

So, there I was, completely broken and no phone, no contacts, no apps, nothing! Ordinarily I would have been even more of a mess after breaking my phone, but I later found that this gave me the push I needed to understand that I don’t need to be contacting people all the time and people don’t always need to be updated on my every move. In fact, it’s when I am most quiet on social media that I am working my hardest, and at this particular time it was vital that I put all of my efforts into working on me and my well being.

In addition to this, (I have a confession to make, here it goes…) I haven't picked up a pencil in over a year! Unfortunately I have not been able to design as much as a vest since last year summer. When my mental health deteriorated, so did my creative flow. However, I did not see it at the time so I just put more pressure on myself to create a new collection until it made me sick and my body started to shut down. I went without sleep, food, water, social life, pretty much everything a human needs to function. I was forcing myself to produce work in ridiculous time frames, frantically trying to prove to myself and the world that I am good enough. The fact that I couldn’t think clearly just caused me more frustration but mostly I didn't want to let everyone down: all of you who believe in me and my creative talent. I already felt like a failure in my own eyes and I didn’t want anyone else to think the same. My desire was to be constantly seen on social media doing amazing things in fashion but that just wasn’t my reality.

The truth is, I had built up so much pressure around myself and my fashion career that it became a huge anxiety trigger for me. As a result, I haven't been able to return to my beautiful design studio in nearly a year. Me, Alex, who lives and breathes fashion. I wrestled with the idea for a long time but I was forced to take an extended break from fashion design and my other projects until I saw some improvement in my mental health. I once said that if I was to suddenly die I wouldn’t be upset because I was no longer alive, I would be upset because I didn’t get the chance to live a life that I enjoyed living. I had to take a break and readjust my whole life, it was seriously a matter of life and death; I had to put my fashion career on hold.

I’ve heard of so many artists, musicians and writers taking creative breaks and now I completely understand why. My creativity is such a huge part of me but it only works when i’m in good health. Anything that I create outside of that is just not a clear representation of me as an artist. I was so focused on trying to live my best life through the eyes of others that I forgot to look after myself. Right now, living my best life currently looks like attending my therapy sessions, remembering to breathe, drinking plenty of water and practicing mindfulness. I plan to take as much time as I need to focus on me and my health so that I can come back stronger and produce something that’s true to who I am as a designer when I am at my best. So next time you see me, don’t ask how my collection is going, ask me how I am doing!

We often look at people who do great things and admire them from afar. In our eyes they might seem like the best and the brightest and it’s easy to assume that all is well with them. But, my experience has shown me that this is one of the most dangerous assumptions a person could make. I was still going through all of this trauma when I was raising the money for my collection, when my shirt design was sold in Hawes and Curtis and when I became one of Birmingham’s 30under30 finalists. I realised that I had been wearing a happy mask and suffering in silence for years until it eventually fell down and I was left to deal with everything that I have been hiding from. It came to the point where I was just waiting for someone, anyone, to ask me if I was ok. Then, finally, I took my health into my own hands and bravely asked for help.

I am currently undergoing therapy sessions with the best therapist ever and we are working through small steps to help me get better. I finally have somewhere safe that I can call my home and i’ve started spending more time doing things that I enjoy like being outdoors and writing poetry. I also started doing yoga and practicing mindfulness meditation so I can learn how to switch off when my head is just doing the most (the Headspace app has literally saved my life, check it out). My relationship with social media is now so much better and I have set rules for myself #noscrolling and I logout after every session. I have seen huge improvements in my mental health, self-esteem and body confidence since doing this and I just feel generally more positive about life. I still have a very long way to go and I am nowhere near better yet but each day I learn something new and I make progress.

I logged out of social media and it was one the best decisions I have ever made for myself. On my 24th birthday I told myself that this was going to be the year of me and so far it has been. Although it has been my most difficult year to date I have been forced to focus on me and put my health first because, at the end of the day, that is what is most important.

For more information about Anxiety Disorders and mental health advice check out these links below.

For Useful Contacts

https://birminghammind.org/contact-page/emergency-contacts/

For Information

YouTube- The 5 Major Anxiety Disorders

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzaNQAh3NiY&t=7s

Mind

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/anxiety-disorders/#.W6GCdy2ZNsM

Beyond Blue

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety

Post-Graduate Depression

https://metro.co.uk/2017/07/17/why-is-no-one-talking-about-post-graduate-depression-6760769/

https://www.topuniversities.com/blog/we-need-talk-about-post-graduation-depression

References

The Statistics Portal https://www.statista.com/statistics/278414/number-of-worldwide-social-network-users/

[laketaj24]

Game on Part Nine

Ivar/Hvitserk Paired With Woc

Hvitserk’s apartment is empty and you silently celebrate as you scoop up the last of your items from there. There’s your hair supplies, all of your books and shoes. You start throwing your things in a box and dancing to your music. Everything felt right finally. Ivar wasn’t fully healed and it was a bitch getting him to go through therapy. Every time the doctor or nurse pushed him harder he griped always cursing them to hell. But you said nothing. You simply watched as his walking skills tried to come back but it was certain they’d be worse than before. It didn’t bother you for the most part.

Aslaug spent her every waking moment beside Ragnar. He lie in a state of sleep so deep the doctors had started to prepare them for the worst. He was unresponsive, even to Lagertha who Aslaug called to talk to him. You often wondered about the strange triangle they had going but you kept it to yourself. You’d had your own triangles in the late.

After an hour almost everything you’d come for is packed and quickly you start towards the door only for it to swing open. Hvitserk closes the door behind him and stands in front of you. It’d been easy to avoid him when he was in Africa but he’d came back, and you wanted to curse yourself it’d been the off week.

“Why are you leaving?” Hvitserk grabbed the box from you placing it on the small stand next to the door. Hvitserk looked well, he’d shaved his beard but those side burns were still there and his body seemed more toned than the last time you seen him.

“Well, I figured I can’t stay here.” It was common sense. There was no way in hell you could stay with him. You’d literally chose his baby brother over him with no hesitation or thought.

“Well before you go could we at least talk?”

Talk. “Talk about…”

“Um the obvious.” Hvitserk places his keys on the table and made his way into the kitchen. “You want a drink?”

“Hvitserk.” You say wit a smirk. “I can’t, Ivar has a session and I promised I would help. Aslaug can’t be there.”

“I deserve a conversation.”

You exhale placing your hands on your hips. “Okay Hvit. Let’s talk.”

“Thank you.” He says pouring a glass of orange juice for me. He splashed two shots of Jose and slides it over to me. “Everything happened so fast a few weeks ago. I didn’t get the chance to talk things out with you. You just chose Ivar.”

“I didn’t just chose Ivar, I made the best decision for me.”

“Giving up an apartment and man that wants to marry you and have a family for a psychopath who lives with his parents?” He scoffs and takes a shot of vodka. “I’m not trying to be a dick Y/N. I’m trying to fucking figure why the good guys finish last?”

“You weren’t innocent in this. You weren’t a good guy.”

“I was better than him!” He yells. “I love you Y/N. What does he do for you?”

“Don’t.”

“You don’t have a fucking answer.” He laughed. “I love my brother, I swear I do. But what does he have on you that just makes him the most adored man in Kattegat?”

“Hvitserk I don’t want to do this.”

“He fucked Margarethe too…” he watches as your mouth drops open. “Ooo.” He grins. “I’m guessing he left that good part out. Yeah she went up to his room and she fucked him.”

“I’m leaving.”

“Was It Because is the way he fucked you?” He bit his bottom lip and stepped towards you.

“You’re being such a dick.” You say hesitant to step back.

Hvitserk steps closer to you looking you up and down. “You like it though.”

You hated yourself for the thoughts that ran through your mind. “No.”

“Lies. When did you become so good at lying? Before or after you chose him huh?” His voice lowered and though he stood over you it didn’t feel dominating. He touched your shoulders. “I can make you regret your choice.”

“Hvitserk.” You close your eyes for a moment and inhale him. He smells tantalizing. “Don’t.”

He pushes you against the kitchen wall with a little more force than you expect and your on your guard. You ball your small fist up and land one after the other on his chest. He laughs at your effort and it only infuriates you more. He moves closer to you gripping your wrist between his fingers and pushing you flat against the cold wall. “You want me to be rough with you? Is that what I done wrong?” He breathed into your neck. “I can do that for you Y/N.” His hands travel underneath your dress and you here the tearing of your underwear as he snatched them from off of you. And your hot for it. Panting beneath him all but begging him to go further. Hvitserk spreads your legs and flips you around snatching the dress above your hips and angling your body out from the wall. “Do you want me?” He whispers in your ear. You feel him prodding at your lips with his dick. And you try to push yourself into him. Irritated he grips your neck binging your back to his chest. “I said do you want me?” He growls.

“Yes.” You whimper.

Hvitserk grips your curly hair slams into you and you clench around him. His dick stretches your walls with each and every thrust. Your mouth waters with desire as you try to catch a breath but his speed is relentless. It’s as if he’s punishing you and your grateful for the punishment. He doesn’t stop once you’ve cum under him. He wraps his arm around you placing fingers on your clit running in fierce circles. Your body stiffens as continues to massage and fuck you senseless and you see white. Everything surrounded you fades to white as he takes what he thinks is his. Hvitserk’s pumps into you until cums with three finally strokes. He steps back and zips his pants. “Go home to him now.”

He smiled.

“Is this a fucking game to you?” You say in between breaths.

“Has it not always been?” Hvitserk hands you your keys and helps you into your jacket. “And rather Ivar knows it or not… he’s not winning.” He kisses you for the first time in a month and you remember for a second everything you two shared. “Go, I don’t want to hear his mouth.”

Tag list: @titty-teetee @kimistry27 @whenimaunicorn @imgoldielikehawn @sparklemichele @fuckyeahalexhoghandersen @readsalot73 @oddsnendsfanfics @kawennote09 @vaisabu @vbiggs03 @genxmama @tinymoonshine @oneday-i-will-fight-luke17 @kenzieam @forbidddden-snowflake @sincerelysinister @suz-123 @sunnyfortomorrow @2loveeverything2 @wilddrabble @clumsywonderland @roromunroe @letsshamelessqueen-m @kc-7 @alyse45 @romanchronicles @getinmelanin011 @doloreschanal @captstefanbrandt @valynsia @harleycativy @pebblesz892 @earthsmightiestasses

A/N: I thought I was done but my short spell of writer’s block is done now lol. I had to show Hvitserk some love. I hope you all enjoy! I got some more parts coming your way! Let me know what you think and if you want to be added to the taglist!! You’re all awesome ☺️💓

[skittidyne]

I need to vent and I don't know to who and I feel through your writing that you're a person that can actually understand me so I'm venting here I hope it's alright I think I'm going insane but im also not and I don't know how to explain but one day I'm on top of the world, I feel like all of my dreams can come true if I just invest enough in them, that everything in life will be better eventually,but as soon as a tiny little bad thing happens I get completely engulfed in anxiety, (1/?)

Start considering suicide without any reason, while knowing it’s illogical and that I won’t do it, but the thought is there I do know I have social anxiety and it’s pretty bad and I don’t even know what this mess of an ask is, I just need to vent. I’m in a period of time where the tiniest thing can tick me of, or make me have an anxiety attack/panic attack or cry and I just need advice, y'know skitti? I have people to talk to, I have two close friends, but I just need an adult’s advice (2/3)

I am going into a psychological treatment soon, so that’s good. I don’t know what I was trying to get through this ask. I guess I just had to tell to someone who I think might understand me, or get some advice, or just a cheer. I dunno. Anyway, thank you for writing things that I feel can understand me. Especially bbac kenma, I don’t think you realize how much the way you built him helped me think better about my own problems- I mean, a badass witch with social anxiety? I love you skitti (3/3)

alright, anon. this is going to be quite the response in reply to quite an ask, i suppose. i’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time, and i’m very glad you’ll be talking to professionals soon. it can be a really big and scary first step, and all sorts of hurdles both personal and outside your control can happen. i’m happy you’re doing that. 

i also do totally understand the need to vent. i vent - my discord writer group has an entire vent channel - and i vent in private to friends, too. when i was younger, i’d use social media to vent, both publicly and privately, all the way back to lj and dA days. it can be incredibly cathartic! i also think it’s a good way for you to kind of line up your thoughts. 

and i’ve vented to people who weren’t equipped to handle it at the time, either. i’ve also been on the other side of that. it’s one thing to vent off anonymously, whether with someone else or into the void, but in the individual case, you are still directing this at a person. in this case, i am that person. i don’t know think we know each other anon. while i understand the need and desire for venting, this is still involving a completely other person. 

while i have a degree in psychology, i am not a professional therapist. my askbox is always and will always be open, to speak with people and to help them if i am able, but i am not a therapist and i am not providing that service for people. i will help out people, strangers or friends, if i am able. i will try my best. i will especially help my friends to the best of my abilities at the time. but this still places an emotional burden on me, and the only reason i bring up the whole “we don’t know each other” thing anon is that you possibly don’t know what’s going on in my life or whether or not this would cause undue stress. 

it sounds like you do have quite a lot of emotional fluctuation, which can be really rough to deal with. you are seeking help, which is great, and hopefully they can work with you to find something that works. that can be a long and frustrating journey itself, but every little bit can help, and it’s important to keep trying and keep hoping. there is rarely a magical cure to any problem in life, but time and therapy can help with so many of them. 

i don’t know how old you are, anon, but i am glad you realize that advice from your elders can be helpful. i wish lots of people had that mentality. but don’t discount the support your friends can give you, even if it’s just listening to your venting or helping you find a fun distraction for awhile. if they’re really your friends, you won’t be a burden to them, no matter what your dark thoughts might whisper to you.

writing & reading have done tremendous things to help me, personally, and i know that that extends to many others. i’m very glad you could find a little bit of solace and support in my writing! there are a lot of personal issues i have with bbac, but i will never stop being proud of how it has helped people in cases like this. i know that writing about mental illness can be messy, but i tried my best to both make it a consistently present part, but also not the only facet of anyone’s character. bbac kenma is and always will be near and dear to my heart. 

my advice to you is try to be patient. make sure you’re getting enough sleep and water!! and food. it can be really hard to eat during down times, especially healthy things, but please remember to eat even if it’s just a little or a bit of chocolate. and drink water! sleep is your friend, too. 

distract yourself as needed. fic is one of my favorite ways to do that, but it can be time consuming and energy-draining to trawl through tags, so ask for recs. or sit down and binge watch something. brooklyn 99 and fresh off the boat are two really fun ongoing comedies that i like to binge! golden girls is also really fun, though they do touch on some heavier things at times. round planet is hilarious and fun, plus documentaries in general can be pretty nice. i also enjoy watching let’s plays on youtube - i recommend cryaotic or markiplier for sure. 

even if it’s a grind, i hope you keep going. suicidal thoughts aren’t fun, to say the least, but i’m glad you recognize that they’re illogical. take each day as it comes. enjoy what you can, and keep moving through the things that you can’t. reach out to people you trust. pet a cat. think fondly of your otp. play persona 4. 

i hope you feel better soon, and i hope things look up for you, even if it’s incrementally.